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He Calls Me Beautiful One
Angelea Marie. 21. ACE personal trainer. Global Studies & Poli Sci Major. Jesus follower.
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Distorted Thinking Series
Hey y’all...
Been a while since I’ve posted but I’m working my way back into blogging. For now as I get back into the swing of things, I wanted to remain personal and empathetic. I want to be authentic in my writing, regardless of if it seems a bit all-over-the-place. Over the course of the next month I wanted to discuss distorted thinking. I saw a post about the different kinds of distorted thinking and wanted to write about each one, give examples, help reach solutions, and once again be able to relate to my readers...all two of you out there :D
I hope you guys enjoy my little ramblings and the first style of distorted thinking will be in my next post! Hang tight!
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T.hat K.illed E.verything
Better Men for a Better World is so ironic I can’t help but laugh as I read it. Brotherhood. A type of kinship, one that shares common interests, a community. I guess their common interest is to violate girls at events and then collectively come together as a unit to cover up their wrongs. Sweep it under the rug because God forbid a girl does the right thing to report it and now she’s ostracized.
~To Believe in the worthiness and dignity of my fellow man, and judge him solely upon his personal worth and character;
…but not consider a woman’s worth and character. Your temporary lapse in judgement caused a lifetime of pain for me. My dignity is lost and I have to rebuild my worth and not let my character be bound by bitterness and hate.
~To Believe with fidelity in the traditions and ideals of my Fraternity, and upon my sacred honor, to uphold them
…I guess the reputation of traditions is true. I should’ve listened and not have been naïve…
~To Believe in the constant search for truth, and through it, to seek the goal of wisdom;
…you exposed my truth. Took away my vulnerability to have two seconds of fun, so you can brag to your brothers that you got some. If you even remember what you did the next morning. And what wisdom? You’re filled with ignorance, thoughtlessness. How do I know this? As you read this, your initial reaction is not empathy nor sympathy but anger because I’m shit-talking your brotherhood. You’re thinking, “How dare she talk that way about us? She doesn’t even know about our brotherhood.” Each one of your brothers represents your house as whole and so, because of his lack of self-control and human decency, y’all are the same to me.
~To Believe in the life based upon integrity, justice, sincerity, patience, moderation, culture, and challenge in order to serve as a responsible, mature member of society;
…hiding and not coming forward is not only cowardly, it shows lack of justice, sincerity. Covering your brother’s ass to save your brotherhood does not only make me feel sick to my stomach, but furthers my distrust in the male population. You were not responsible that night. You are not mature. You are gutless, faint-hearted.
~To Believe in the cardinal principles of Love, Charity, and Esteem and to use them to guide my life;
…HA. I was not a charity case that night. I had a blast with my sisters, celebrating becoming a new sister to an awesome group of girls. I decided last minute to attend your event and in return got my self-esteem shit on.
~To Believe in my Fraternity as a brotherhood of gentlemen in perpetual quest of excellence as a way of life.
…you are anything but a gentleman. You will not achieve excellence. You are the vermin that ransacked my womanhood. Unfortunately, you weren’t the first…and it’s scary not knowing that you may not be the last.
I’m standing up for my own sanity. For the girls who think they can’t. For those whom are bound by this toxicity. For those who have their bodies traded off because of scumbags that merely look at woman as sexual objects. For those girls who hate on themselves because they feel inadequate when it comes to intimacy since it was violated. For the ones who are mistaken as flight risks because they don’t know what to do or how to act in relationships anymore. You’re not alone. You’re not a statistic. But most importantly, you are not a victim. Even if you have an entire brotherhood against you. I will not be moved.
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Mercy Triumphs Judgement
“I remember you were such a Bible Thumper”
“Yeah, you couldn’t go because you had Bible study”
“Isn’t that faith like super hypocritical?”
It is finally happening. Now, you may have thought my faith has been tested before, given some unruly circumstances that has taken place in the past (story for another post). However, I have entered into a different kind of community. I finally understand what it means to be called out when you’re a Christian. It’s odd being in a place where there aren’t that many believers. For me, it’s extremely out-of-the-ordinary since I grew up in church, went to private school for 9 years, and stayed in bible study groups from high school throughout college.
Funny how people think you don’t do certain things just because you have a relationship with Christ. Granted, I am not proud of all the things that I’ve done, but I’m a firm believer in learning through experiences, trial/error, making mistakes and owning up to them. I am 21 and I have consumed alcohol before. I have consumed too much alcohol before. I fell in love with someone and broke my promise to God that I would save myself for marriage. I curse a little too much sometimes. I disagree and argue with my parents a lot (I love them and have the upmost respect, but let’s be honest, I’m nowhere near the perfect daughter). I don’t show up to church nearly as much as I should.
Now that I’ve pretty much fessed up a pretty broad spectrum of my wrongs, I wanted to share something. I used to give into the lie about how just because I am a Christian, I didn’t have fun. I am Christian so it means that somehow, I had to be perfect and when I wasn’t, I was hypocritical and damned to hell. I’m Christian so I am a prude and don’t appreciate certain comedians or movies.
I can’t help but wonder what God thinks of me sometimes. Probably things like “Angelea, really girl. Why are you watching the Kardashians? I know I made them beautiful and all but c’mon…” or maybe that’s just my common-sense chiming in…who knows. I know this for sure: God loves all of me. He made me special. Max Lucado wrote a book that I was read when I was a little tyke called “You Are Special.” It was about these little puppets that competed for stickers. They either got a star if they were liked by the social norms and expectations or they got a black dot because they messed something up or were not accepted by social norms and expectations. This puppet notices another whom did not have a single sticker stuck onto her. She focused on what her creator had taught her. That she was special and the words of others did not matter. The stickers could only stick if she let them.
I think our faith is similar. Often times, I focus so much on what others have to say about me. I give their words heed and let those black dots stick all over me. Occasionally I get a star and feel a temporary fix but that fades as soon as I receive another black dot. It’s easy to focus on other making fun of you for going to Bible study. It’s easy to believe that you are a hypocrite, so why even try to follow a religion? It’s easy to believe that knowing the word of God makes you some prude, cheesy, aloof human. But none of that is true. You are a light of this world. God’s mercy triumphs over judgement. Don’t be so concerned with what others think and what they have to say about you. Focus on what God has called you to be and continuously strive to give glory to His kingdom. Set your priorities on things above and God will hear and fulfill.
#faith#God#christian#christianity#devotion#you are special#max lucado#books#blog#lifestyle#text#typography#blogger#stickers#wednesday#rise and shine
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Never thought(s)
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. -Romans 12:2
I knew people in college could get kind of crazy and drink. I never thought some would be as heavy drinkers as they are…I never thought someone could do that many lines of coke…I didn’t think it was possible to be sexually assaulted more than once..well twice..okay now three times. It won’t exceed three. It’s very tempting to want to self-medicate with parties and alcohol and maybe just a bit of promiscuity. I mean, that’s what students do to help ease the stress of the week, right?
For those of you that aren’t too familiar with the Bible, 1 Corinthians has some killer verses. Sometimes I feel very alone with my struggle with temptation. I drink on occasion now that I am over the age of 21 and can do so legally and responsibly. I don’t type this out saying, “Oh my goodness, never drink alcohol sinner or you’re going to hell.” But I do believe in better ways of spending time with important people, people that will want to help you better yourself. It is fun to go out with the boys and crack a cold one. It’s fun to go dance with the girls after a few drinks. I think it’s important to keep it classy, if you respect other as well as yourself when you are partaking in such activities, and most importantly be safe. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says:
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
How crazy is that. Whatever you’re struggling with…so is the common population. You feel so alone as you resist certain things that you’re working towards turning away from, but there are several people attempting to do the same thing. God gives us challenges…sometimes more than we think we can handle. But we need to give it up to God and go to bed. It is not worth your sanity to feel like you’re left out because you don’t go out and party all the time or drink or whatever it may be. Keep following God, making sure that who you are aligns with what He wants, and I believe, He will sustain you. He will provide you with comfort, stronger faith, perseverance, and who knows. If God’s feeling extra kind, maybe He can provide you with some good company along the way. I got your back forever and always. Spread some love today, be kind, and be a positive influence on others time. Don’t waste what you have.
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Just Tell Me It’s Easy
I’ve grown up to know that the world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. I’ve seen how it can be a mean and nasty place, and I’ve let it beat me to my knees. But I haven’t let it keep me there. I’m not saying that I am some badass who has risen from ashes. Honestly, I’m very average, I’ve been through some things that I know the majority would never want to deal with, but I also know that it could have been worse.
I’m in a bit of an odd place of finding my place. I am working to become my own individual. I know, I am 21 years old, with absolutely no answers, no idea who she is, and no idea where I am going. I feel like every time I get the slightest sense of what I want to do or who I want to be, something or someone holds me back from doing so. Not entirely their fault…I’ve let them. I psych myself out of things and come up with excuses for why I can’t commit: to a major, to a job, or even where to eat for date night. I have a fear of not meeting expectations, a fear of disappointing others, which ultimately makes me feel worthless. I’ve had a lot of negativity that I spin into motivation (negative reinforcement?) and recently have found that I don’t like that too much. I want someone to just tell me it’s easy. I recently made the commitment to double major. Before that commitment, I decided to join a sorority (I have my test on Monday, wish me luck). Moving on towards my next commitment is terrifying but I know the outcome is worth it.
I am not just going to make this decision because it is going to make me look like some bada** chick (although, it isn’t such a bad thing). I am not making this decision because my parents want me to (believe me, they know how often I change my mind and how sensitive of a soul I am). I am not doing this to impress anyone. I want to do this because I admire the other men and women that make the sacrifice. I admire people that go and do things, rather than sit around, argue, and stay complacent. Being complacent is one of the worst things any human can be. I am not about that complacency life. I want to join the Air Force because I’m ready to serve. I’m ready to fight a good fight and do something. I have a lot of faith in God right now…and for some odd reason I truly believe He is calling me to this field. I would not have thought that I would actually be acting upon my feelings to talk to a recruiter…and then one day I found myself sitting in an office discussing the ASVAB.
I am just trying to clear my head of how hard life is. Life is about to get harder. But for once, rather than psyching myself out of a career path and this huge commitment, I want to tell myself that this will be easy. I have a really odd sense of peace knowing what I am about to get myself into. I’m not one that usually says God speaks to her, but today, in the middle of my workout at 24 Hour Fitness, I felt God telling me that this was going to be easy. Not physically and definitely not mentally. It was going to be easy because He is watching over me. He has gone before me and promises that He will be with me. I know many people don’t think I will follow through, I know many people think I’m not capable. God has provided me with so much motivation by whispering “It’ll be easy.”
#christian#air force#US air force#military#military branch#asvab#god#christianity#devotional#easy#gym#fitness#fitness girl#rocky
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The Earth May be Shaken, But I am Not
#sonoma#sonoma strong#fire#vegetation fire#bible#bible verse#devotion#faith#love#forest fire#natural disaster#sonoma county#ssu#sonoma state university
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If we could live happy and healthy lives without harming others… why wouldn’t we? ❤️
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Repurposed.
God works in mysterious ways. I am sure many of you have heard that before. Earlier this summer I went through a break up and was devastated. Slowly but surely, God had lifted me back up and assured me that I was going to be okay. It took a lot of time, a lot of long car rides down back roads blaring country heartbreak songs, and several boxes of tissues. It took my family to help comfort me, support me, hold me when I cried, and be patient. God’s been extremely patient.
My summer kept getting better as I strengthened the bonds within my family and my friendships that I had strayed from. I got back into eating healthy and being conscious about exercising but not overdoing it. Suddenly, what seemed like was going to be the worst summer, easily turned into one of the best seasons I’ve had. One that produced growth, maturity, and a new set of goals and morals that I wanted to live by. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end and it was time to begin school.
I wouldn’t say I was homesick. I just went from having a few super close friends to none. My ex was my neighbor now, making me feel all new sorts of awkward emotions. A few weeks went by and I wanted to jump back into dating someone. It’s difficult to write about it-but the dating scenario did not go in the direction I hoped it would. I had only been in one relationship before-my first date, first kiss were all with one person. So dating was starting over, entering into a realm of unknown. I really am trying to navigate what it means to date again and how to set up boundaries and be respected. My boundaries were not taken into account. My self-worth was not thought about. My trust was broken. After a sober dinner (sad I have to specify but I know people will wonder), I took a man back into my apartment, one that I had been seeing for a few months, and he proceeded to date rape me. My trust in men was completely shattered. It brought feelings of guilt: why couldn’t I stop him? Why didn’t I fight? I told him ‘no’ several times and it was not until I physically had to shove him off to get him to stop. We sat for a long time trying to comprehend what just had happened. My boundary was violated. I would soon cut off all ties with this person and explain to my parents what had occurred and get help. All my cynical feelings toward love came rushing back.
“All men are the same. They only want you Ang because of the sexual desires you can fulfill,” my inner demons were whispering. “Nobody really cares about what you do. No man is every going to appreciate your resilience. No man is going to look at you like a precious gem. No one will stand by you in your bouts of self-doubt, anxiety, and PTSD. You’re never going to be able to amount to anything or have another intimate relationship. Ang, you are damaged goods. You don’t respect yourself. You don’t deserve respect. You are forever broken, forever tainted, and ultimately, you will be alone.”
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take these thoughts very personally. I pay too much attention to these lies. Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of love. And I can envision God looking down on me and rolling his eyes. I can hear Him saying, “Angelea Marie…I created you. These hands…the same one’s responsible for painting the sea, sparkling the night sky with stars…created you. And from that moment I loved you and will continue to love you.” I am worthy of the strongest love there is. I am worthy of God’s love. You are worthy of the strongest love that exists. God takes my broken pieces and finds a way to repurpose them. I am not weak because I’ve been broken. I am not tainted because of being taken advantage of. I am not damaged goods. God calls me beautiful one. I think it’s pretty incredible that God can take all this messed up crap that has happened and repurposes it for something greater.
I watched an old video from Sadie Robertson and it was all about not being bound by bitterness. I am constantly fearful that I will not be a good leader, a good Christian, a good girlfriend and eventual wife and mother because of some of the hardships I’ve endured. But God is so incredibly patient and loving. He sees all of my mistakes, all of my tears, my occasional loud mouth…and He still wants to be mine and still wants to use me. Regardless of the pain you feel, regardless of how it seems like you are constantly facing trials, regardless of how bad you may want to give up-God is still waiting for you. He is available. He is ready to use that pain and turn it into something beautiful and helpful. He is ready to repurpose.
#repurposed#God#christian#blog#lifestyle#rape#date rape#topics#feminism#feminist#strong#resilience#strength#love#testimony#story time#ramble#rant#Christianity#faith
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I would just like to say fuck you to everyone who made me feel inadequate growing up and ruining my self esteem for years. You all suck and I’m glad I don’t talk to any of you any more.
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