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mylostloversbookmarks · 1 year

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Waiting for a Miracle

Characters - Joel Miller x Reader, Ellie Williams

Summary - After being attacked by raiders, you sustain a serious injury - Joel and Ellie do everything they can to save you but will it be enough?

Word Count - 2.5K

Warnings/Tags - 18+ only Minors dni. Typical canon language, Angst, mentions of blood and wounds, swearing, hurt, anxiety, pain, guilt, insecure!Joel, upset!Ellie. Suicide attempt mentioned but not heavily discussed. Im not a medical professional so forgive me if anything is medically inaccurate!

A/N - I hurt myself with this one! Set Post-Outbreak! This is heavily inspired by EP.6 ~ Kin and the beginning of Ep 7 ~ Left Behind, and I thought it would be fun to reverse the rolls on this.

Reblogs, comments and feedback are so welcome and so so appreciated!

If you enjoyed this check out my other works here ~ Masterlist

Divider credit to @saradika

As he walked through the barren wasteland, he could feel the all-too-familiar sense of desolation wash over him. The air is thin and icy, hurting his lungs as he inhales. The only sound that can be heard is the howl of the wind and the crunch of fresh snow under his tired, heavy footsteps.

Moving further down the dirt road, he can see the outline of the dilapidated farm house where he left Ellie watching over you. Its walls crumbled, the roof caved in, the windows shattered, and the once-blue front door hung loosely on its rusted hinges.

Inside, the scene was just as bleak. The remaining furniture was overturned and broken, thanks to raiders tearing their way through any property they came across.

The walls were peeling and covered from floor to ceiling in a thick coat of dirt and grime. A heavy layer of dust had settled over everything in sight.

Moving further into the house, he makes his way to the barricade he had put in place before he left you and Ellie this morning to look for more supplies and any medication he could get his hands on.

"Ellie?" He huffs out to let her know it is him moving the barricade as he leans his weight on one side of the heavy mahogany book shelf, sliding it along the dingy wooden floor to reveal the doorway.

"Joel? Did you find anything?" Ellie's pleading voice is muffled from behind the closed door.

Opening the door, he finds Ellie in the exact spot he had left her several hours before, sitting on her knees beside the filthy matteress he had laid you on what felt like a lifetime ago.

She was hunched over you with an old rag in her hand, mopping up the sweat that was beading on your forehead. He could see the worry etched onto her face as she did everything she could to keep you comfortable. She looks up at him as he enters, her face grim.

"How is she?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. It wasn't that he didn't want to disturb you; he just wasn't sure he could stop his voice from breaking if he spoke any louder.

Ellie shook her head. "She's still unconscious, but I think her fever has gone down a bit and the wound isn't bleeding anymore."

Joel just nods, his eyes fixed on you. Seeing you lying there so helpless and vulnerable, like a ghost of your usual bubbly, sarcastic self, the ever-present crease between your brows was gone; your teeth were no longer fussing at your bottom lip; your smart mouth was no longer calling him out on his bullshit; and your face was pallid and covered in a sheen of sweat.

The sight stirred up a storm of emotions within him that he couldn't quite put a name to. Joel knew that he had always been drawn to you, even before the attack.

Though he would never admit it and always did his best to hide it. He couldn't place what it was about you that brought him out of himself, despite his best efforts to keep you at arm's length.

He had vowed to himself that he would never get attached to anyone again. Not after what happened to Sarah.

It wasn't that he didn't want to care about people, but he has learned that in this world, caring for people only brings pain, and he just didn't know if he could survive another loss.

He almost didn't survive it the first time. The faint scar on his temple is a constant reminder of the events he has drank himself into oblivion over on many occasions in the hopes of scarring them from his memory, but it never works.

Though Ellie had always ribbed him when she caught him watching you from a distance, usually when youd set up camp for the night and you were rolling out your sleeping bag or flipping through one of the books you had picked up on the road.

She would jab him in the ribs with her elblow, uttering "Eh? Eh?" with a wiggle of her fair eyebrows. He normally silences her quickly with a stern warning glance, worried you might overhear her.

Now, though, his feelings were more intense, and he didn't know if it was because he was too tired to keep up the effort to hide them or that the fear of losing you was overpowering every other thought that raced through his head.

His mind was consumed by guilt; he had failed. Again. He had failed Sarah. He had failed Ellie over and over, and now he has failed you. Failed to protect you from the man coming at you from behind because he was too fucking old and deaf to hear him coming.

He couldn't fathom why you both had insisted on staying with him when you had both overheard him speaking to Tommy. It was the first time Joel had opened up in what felt like two decades.

He openly admitted to his brother that he knew he was going to get you both killed. He begged Tommy to take Ellie the rest of the way, and he knew that you wouldn't leave her side.

He remembers standing in the stables thirty minutes after he had intended on leaving, pretending to check over the horses saddle and reins, when Ellie walked in, closely followed by you and Tommy.

He offered you both a choice, insisting you would be better off with Tommy. He didn't even make it through his sentence before Ellie was thrusting her pack into his chest, effectively silencing him.

You had given him a reassuring smile and a small nod as you moved to help Ellie onto the horse. And now here you are in front of him, lying lifeless on a soiled mattress in the dead of winter in the middle of nowhere because of him.

He knelt down beside the mattress and took your hand in his, his thumb rubbing small circles into the clammy back of your hand. Motioning to Ellie to pass him his pack, Joel opens it and takes out the supplies he found on his run.

"I found a drug store; it was mostly picked over, but I found this under one of the cabinates." He explains, lifting out a vile of pennicilin and a syringe that is still safely housed in its unopened sterile packaging. He says a silent prayer of thanks to whatever higher power allowed him to find this.

Ellie just nods, her eyes glued to Joel's hands, watching as he takes hold of your hand, turning it so it is palm-up as he rolls your sleeve up past the crease of your elbow, removing his belt and tightening it around your arm.

Tapping at the viens in the crease of your arm but getting no response, you had lost so much blood from the wound that your viens were refusing to stand to attention.

Joel doesn't want to risk injuring a vein, so he decides to inject you directly into your wound. He removes the belt, throwing it to the side, rolls your sleeve back down, and sets your hand back by your side.

"Ellie, Im going to need your help." He murmurs to her, his voice thick with emotion.

"What do you need me to do?" she implores him.

"I can't find a vein; she's lost too much blood, so I'm going to have to put it into the wound. It's going to be painful, but we don't have another option. I need you to hold her still no matter what, okay?" Joel demanded it as calmly as he could.

"Okay, I can do that," Ellie confided, her voice wobbling with the unshed tears that were threatening to spill over at any moment.

"Hey, she's going to make it; she's going to be okay," Joel promises her, his hand coming up to rest on her cheek, wiping away a tear that was making its way down her cheek.

Ellie just nods in response, her tears flowing freely now. Joel pulls the blanket down and gently rolls your t-shirt up your torso, stopping at your ribcage. Removing the bloodied gauze that was covering the wound just above your left hip.

The wound was deep and had left a jagged, misshaped circle of angry crimson on your otherwise smooth, perfect skin.

He tore open the plastic wrapping and removed the syringe from its packaging, taking a deep breath before inserting the needle into the vein and withdrawing the medication.

"Okay, hold her still," Joel says, his voice unsteady as he positions the needle over your wound, placing his other hand on your cheek and rubbing his thumb back and forth, willing you to hear him before he continues.

"Darlin, I'm sorry. This is going to hurt, okay? But it's going to help, I promise."

Ellie nods towards him, signaling she was ready; she has repositioned herself at your head, her hands resting on your shoulders, and tightens her hold on you as Joel inserts the needle and slowly pushes his thumb down on the plunger.

You flinch and groan in pain, but Ellie holds you steady, tears flowing down her face and leaving little dark spots where they land on the mattress.

Finally, Joel withdraws the needle and sets it back inside the packaging in an attempt to keep it as sterile as possible given the current surroundings.

He grabs another patch of gauze from his pack and presses it against the wound. He pulls your shirt down and lays the blanket back over you, tucking you in as best he can, being careful not to jostle you too much.

"That's it, sweetheart," he whispers, his voice gentle as he strokes your hair. "Now we wait," he sighs, more to himself than anyone else.

Joel and Ellie sit in silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts, exchanging worried glances, unsure of what the future holds.

Despite the uncertainty, Joel is determined to do everything he can to keep you safe and help you recover. He holds your hand tightly, and his thumb continues to rub small, reassuring circles into the back of your hand as he silently vows to protect you at all costs.

As the moments tick by, Ellie's anxiety grows with each shallow breath you take. She feels helpless and scared, unsure if you will make it through the night.

The weight of potentially losing another person she cares about is too much, and she breaks. Loud, ragged sobs break through her clenched teeth, shaking her small frame.

Joel's eyes snap up at the sudden sound, and he can feel his heart constricting at the sight of her tears. He releases your hand, pulling her into a tight embrace. He strokes her hair, whispering words of comfort in her ear as she cries into his chest.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, baby girl," Joel murmurs softly. "We're here for her. We're not going to leave her. We're going to get through this together."

Ellie clings to Joel tightly, her body wracked with sobs as she tries to process her emotions. She's scared of losing you and of what will happen if you don't make it. Joel's presence and his words provide some solace, giving her a glimmer of hope that things might be okay.

The three of you stay like that for what feels like hours, huddled together in the dimming light, listening to the sounds of your breathing.

It's a comfort to hear the sound even out ever so slightly and to know that you're fighting to stay alive as hard as they are to keep you with them.

Eventually, Ellie pulls away from him, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her coat. She looks over at you, still sleeping on the matteress, and takes a deep breath.

"We're going to make it through this, right?" She asks, her voice wavering slightly.

"We are," Joel replies firmly, his gaze locked on you. "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you both safe."

Ellie nods, a look of determination taking over her face. She moves back to your side, taking your hand in hers and squeezing firmly.

"We're here; we're not going anywhere."

The hours passed by slowly; it was well past dark now and getting colder. Looking over at Ellie, Joel can see she is fighting to keep her eyes open.

"You need to get some rest; I'll stay up with her." He murmurs; his tone is serious, and she doesn't bother to argue with him.

"Okay, but you'll wake me if anything changes." Ellie pushed, not moving a muscle until she had his word.

"I will," he whispered solemnly.

Ellie stood and stretched for the first time in hours, grabbing her pack and unrolling her sleeping bag a few feet away from where Joel sat by your mattress.

She was so exhausted from the stress of the current situation that sleep found her quickly. In a matter of minutes, Joel could hear her soft snores.

Joel shifted into a more comfortable position beside you, stretching himself out on the floor so he was lying on his side, his head level with your own.

He reclaimed your hand in his. It was cold and limp, and he couldn't help but think about how much he had taken you for granted.

He has known that you were strong enough to handle anything that came your way and that you didn't need anyone's help. But now, as he looked at your pale face, he realised that it was ridiculous to think that anyone could have made it out of that situation in any other way.

He leans in close, his forehead resting against your hand, his eyes closed. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry. I should have heard him. I should have protected you." His voice broke, and he struggled to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over.

There was a long moment of silence, broken only by your steady breathing, Ellie's snores, and the occasional creak of the old farmhouse. Joel stayed there, still holding your hand, lost in his thoughts. He thought about all the things he wanted to say to you and all the things he wished he had done differently.

He wished he had been more open with you and told you how much you meant to him. He wished he had hugged you and spent more time just being with you.

It was too late for those regrets now. All he could do was sit there, holding your hand or stroking your hair. Willing you to wake up and hoping that somehow, someway, you would pull through. That you would come back to him, and he could make things right.

As he sat watching the steady rise and fall of your chest. Joel knew that nothing would ever be the same again. That he would never be able to erase these memories and that he would always carry this pain with him.

But he also knew that he couldn't give up, that he had to keep fighting and keep pushing forward. For you. For Ellie. For himself.

And so he sat there, stroking your hair and whispering all the things he should have told you before, waiting for a miracle.

#joel miller x female reader #joel miller x you #joel miller angst #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller one shot #ellie williams hbo #joel miller hbo #pedro pascal characters #Heavy on the angst #the last of us #tlou fanfiction #the last of us fic #mylostloversbookmarks

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mikachacha · 7 months

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𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕 (𝙱𝚊𝚍𝚊 𝙻𝚎𝚎 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛) 𝙿𝚝. 4

Synopsis: Bada has been treating you bad but she doesn't wanna lose you so she does everything she could possibly pull off to get you back.

Warnings: angst, manipulation, gas lighting, love bombing, toxic behaviours and relationships, cursing. this is just one heavy thing so please be advised

(A/N: im still in awe that i was able to reach four damn chapters of this considering how lazy I am 🤧)

Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁

Bada came home, a bit tired and she noticed something was off. The apartment was quiet and there wasn't any sign of you. Her heart began to pound when she called your name but there was no response. She ran to your shared bedroom and all of your belongings are no longer there. She frantically looked around but you were long gone. She tried texting you, calling you but you weren't answering. Her calls would just go straight to your voicemail. At that point, Bada felt lost. She's lost since you weren't there with her. She doesn't know what to do.

"No.. No.. I can't.. I can't lose you.." Bada could only pace around the apartment, trying to get a hold of you, your friends or anyone who might be in contact with you but to no avail. So Bada did what Bada does best, play the sad girlfriend who's desperate to find you and tell people that you left after a huge misunderstanding. She was desperate and she knows you too well that you really don't like way too much attention from other people and you really dislike having people meddling with your relationship and personal life.

Bada posted on her social media about being so sad that you left her without even saying goodbye. How she came home and you were no longer there along with your things. How you didn't give her a chance to even make up for everything and you just suddenly disappeared. Of course, people believed her. Even your family and friends did. Bada really knows how to get you back and she's not gonna stop until you come running back to her.

You tried to live your life the way you used to without Bada but it seems like you really can't escape her. It's like everyone and everything you do is pointing you back to her. You felt trapped. You didn't know what to do. So after almost a week of hiding from her, you finally messaged her to meet you at the park where she took you on a date once. You tried to brace yourself but when Bada came and she hugged you, you felt your walls crumbling down. You were crying. You were in despair, you were broken, you were scared. So many emotions hitting you all at once and Bada took advantage of your vulnerability.

"Baby.. I know things didn't go well between us but please.. Please give me this one last chance to make things better. You still love me, right? You still want to be with me, right? Want me to make things better for us? Want me to make this all stop?" Bada coos and stroked your hair while you sobbed in her arms. You wanted to say no, you wanted to get away from her, you wanted to tell her to go fuck herself because you're through but it seems like you couldn't find it in yourself to do it. You just nodded and Bada couldn't help but smile. She knew how to get you back, she knows you too well and she's gonna make sure that you won't be leaving her again any time soon.

That night, you came back home again. You were too tired to refuse, too tired to argue, too tired with everything. Bada began to treat you real well again. Spoiling you, making sure to make you feel special again and making sure that you're seen with her everywhere she goes. You should be happy but it made you feel so much worse. When will this go back to being bad? When will she stop caring again? When will she stop 'loving' you again?

Bada would cook you meals, take you out on dates and buying you things. She's also bringing you to all of her works just so she could keep an eye on you. You hated it but what else can you really do at this point? You just pretended that nothing's wrong, that everything's perfect between you and Bada. Maybe if you pretend enough, you can fool yourself as well into believing that everything's fine. That Bada truly loves you and that your relationship will be fixed. Though what she's showing you now scares you. When will it end? When will she stop showing that she cares? When will she make you feel that you're an idiot believing that she actually loves you? Those thoughts kept plaguing your mind and won't let you sleep at night.

"I'm glad you and Bada are back together now.. You guys look so perfect!" one of Bada's friends said as you sat at the back, watching Bada teach her class and you wanted to snap, you wanted to scream, you wanted everyone to realize that no, you're not glad that you got back together. You wanted to run away, you wanted to escape this nightmare that you're going through. But you can't. Because Bada has painted herself as the good person. The amazing partner who is madly in love with you, who's willing to take you back even if you left her, the person who's willing to give you the whole world just to have you back. And then you'll be this ungrateful bitch who took such amazing person for granted and everyone will hate you.

"Yeah.. I'm glad as well.." you said, looking away as you felt yourself tearing up from your own words. You felt crushed by your own lie that you oh so desperately wanted to believe.

It went on like that for months. You being the never needy, ever lovely jewel that shine reflects on Bada. You're like the perfect girlfriend for Bada that's always there supporting her and being loved by Bada but only if they knew what happens inside the apartment you shared with her. There were times she's sweet and there are times that she made you feel like you're the most useless human being in the world and that you're only there because of Bada.

"Y/N go make me something to eat. I'm starving." Bada ordered as you were cleaning around the living room. You hated it when she's not working. She's just horrible towards you and you're sick of it.

"Why don't you make your own damn food? I'm not your fucking slave and I'm tired of you treating me like crap whenever no one's around!" you yelled and slammed the mop on the ground and Bada chuckled coldly, standing up and stood in front of you. You were supposed to cower before when she did that but not today. All the anger and emotions that you've bottled for months is finally about to burst.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you still here? You could've left me, Y/N. You could've went back to the states the first time you left but you didn't because deep down, you still need me. You can't live without me. Let's face it, you're bound to be just a pretty little thing to keep me company until I finally get tired of you and discard you. But even after that, you'll still chase me around because you're just like that, Y/N. And will always be like that." Bada's words felt like being stabbed, shot, zapped and ran over all at once. Even if you deny it, her words still held some truth to it.

"Yeah, I still love you, Bada! Still so damn in love with you even if you hurt me, even if you keep breaking me like those damned promises you told me. But I'm done. I'm so done with you, so done with this relationship, so done with all your bullshits!" tears were streaming down your face but there's this burning determination inside you that Bada can't put out even with those words. You're determined to leave, you're determined to put yourself first. You want to help yourself out and away from this relationship to which you did exactly.

You pushed past her and went to grab and pack all the belongings that are important and you can carry. You pushed past her when she tried to stop you from leaving. You are so done and you didn't want to be her pretty little toy anymore. It all ends today. It all ends now. You didn't care if you were wearing your pajamas to the airport. You didn't care if you had to spend a lot of money just to get a ticket to go back to the states. You didn't care about the cameras being pointed your way, taking pictures and videos of you looking so disheveled for them to post and share on social media. All you cared about is you, and the feeling of being free from Bada's clutches.

————;

@lil-elliesgf @efyyylee @hwm1hyun @mikaleialt @bunnywonyo @badaswifey @mrs-grim-reaper @b1ackbunny @wifey-badalee

#bada x reader #bada lee #swf2 #swf2 x reader #bada lee x reader #lee bada #bada lee imagine #bada fanfic #bada imagine

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doumadono · 7 months

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Emergency Request.

Hi author, i finally have the courage to share this. These past few years, I've been dealing with academic pressure, means im expected to be in the Honor's list. Every single morning i get yelled at especially when i didn't wake up early (my class starts at 12 noon till 6:30 in the evening) im really tired and yesterday morning, my mom threw a chair at my room because i wake up late. My heart was really really heavy that time and so i decided that i had enough. So while my mom was taking a bath, i stole money from her wallet, just wiped my body with wipes and got dressed. She thought that I'll be heading to school early so she didn't mind. When i left my home i got to my phone and searched 'psychologists near me'. It took me 3 hours to find a clinic that was open for people who didn't have appointments. Fast forward, hours later i arrived at the clinic and got consulted by a psychologist. Before the psychologist ask me what's wrong, believe me or not i already cried hard, cried and cried and told him all the unspoken pain i kept for years. To sum it up, they called my parents and consulted them too. I was a minor that time and it was already late so they really had to call my parents.

I only went to this route since i had no one to talk and cry on. With that being said, can i request todoroki comforting someone? Maybe the reader had the same situation as me but had no one to turn to except todoroki?

(This happened last year when i was at the 11th Grade. I finished my medications months ago and feeling more happy :))))

Embrace of warmth and chill - Shoto x Reader

A/N: it takes incredible strength to open up about such struggles, and I commend you for taking that courageous step. Remember that seeking help is a sign of resilience, not weakness. I'm glad you reached out to a psychologist, and I hope the support you receive brings you the understanding and guidance you deserve

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

In the quiet sanctuary of his room, Todoroki Shoto sat on the bed, contemplating the gentle dance of shadows on the walls. The soft glow of his desk lamp provided a muted atmosphere, and his mind lingered on the words he had just heard. The door creaked open, and there you stood, a silhouette worn down by the weight of unspoken pain.

His heterochromatic eyes caught the glimpse of your eyes, mirroring a storm of emotions. Without a word, he gestured for you to sit beside him. The silence lingered for a moment, heavy with the unspoken burden you carried. Finally, you broke the quietude, your voice barely above a whisper as you began to share the weight you had been carrying.

Todoroki listened intently, his expression a canvas of empathy and understanding. The warmth of his presence enveloped you, providing a sanctuary in the storm that raged within. As you recounted the struggles, the academic pressures, and the desperation that led you to this very room, he remained a steadfast anchor.

"I… I just needed someone to hear me out," you admitted, your voice cracking with vulnerability. "It's so, oh so hard, Shoto…"

He nodded, a silent acknowledgment of the pain you had endured alone. "I understand," Todoroki responded, his words carrying a genuine sincerity that reached the depths of your weary soul.

A subtle touch of his hand on your shoulder offered comfort, a silent reassurance that you were not alone in this moment. "Sometimes, it's okay to let others share the burden," he said, his voice a soothing balm to your wounded spirit.

In the quiet of that room, Todoroki found the right words, a delicate balance of empathy and strength. "I may not fully understand what you've been through, but I'm here for you, always," he affirmed, his stoic demeanor softened by the genuine concern etched across his features.

As the weight of your confessions lifted, tears streamed down your face, an emotional release long overdue. Todoroki handed you a tissue. "It's alright to cry. It doesn't make you weak," he reassured, his eyes reflecting a depth of understanding that transcended mere sympathy as he rubbed your shoulders.

Through the tears and the shared vulnerabilities, a connection blossomed. Todoroki, often reserved, found himself opening up in return. He spoke of his own struggles, the internal battles that defined his journey. The vulnerability he shared created a bridge, a connection that went beyond words.

"You don't have to steal moments of solace. There are people who care about you, who want to help you carry the load. And I'm among them."

The air in Todoroki's room seemed to shimmer with a subtle blend of warmth and chill as you found yourself wrapped in his embrace. As his arms enveloped you, you couldn't help but marvel at the duality of his touch. One side of him radiated a soothing coolness, while the other emanated a gentle warmth. It was a sensation that defied logic, a tangible representation of the conflicting elements within him.

You nestled into the crook of his embrace, your head finding a comfortable spot against his chest. The coolness seeped through your clothes, sending a refreshing wave across your body. Simultaneously, the warmth from his other side cocooned you in a comforting embrace, creating a delicate equilibrium.

His breath, a gentle rhythm, whispered against your hair, and you closed your eyes, savoring the unique symphony of sensations.

Todoroki's grip tightened ever so slightly, as if he sought solace in the physical connection just as much as you did. His usually reserved demeanor melted away in this shared moment, replaced by a silent understanding that transcended words. "It's okay. I promise that brighter days lay ahead."

#emergency request #bnha x reader #mha hcs #shoto fluff #shoto todoroki x reader #shoto todoroki x you #mha x reader #mha fluff #todoroki shoto x reader #shoto todoroki #shoto fic #shoto x reader #todoroki shoto #shoto x you #shoto x y/n #mha fic #bnha fluff

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haruniki · 9 months

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Surpise kisses! - CSM characters (Makima, Kobeni, Power, Asa)

summary: giving your girlfriend some surprise kisses for whatever reason. Could be because they were being cute or maybe you just wanted to surprise the ones who normally aren't surprised by any of your antics!

a/n: haven't done one of these in a while, i miss doing these longer post. I just feel kinda burned out writing them lol gonna try to make more of these might use this same idea for a HSR version , also i hc Makima to be a little over 6 ft tall bc i love tall women and have a v serious problem called im short and tall women make me feel things

Makima

Makima is usually very aware of her surroundings. She's even more aware of you.

Maybe it's due to her being the control devil and her need to know she has control over things, but she doesn't tend to get surprised very easily. Catching someone like her off guard is tough, maybe even impossible.

But really late nights home from the office can leave her feeling fatigue, maybe even a bit vulnerable. But she's fine feeling vulnerable with it, makes her feel human.

Taking her coat off as a few of the dogs jump to get an ounce of attention from the woman, she doesn't notice that you had gotten so close to her.

Only noticing after she stands up from kneeling on the ground petting one of the smaller dogs, she meets your lips. It seems you had planned this out a bit, waiting until she stood up just often to meet you.

Her reaction wasn't quite as excepted, sure her eyes got a bit wider, but she didn't seem any more surprised than that.

Mostly flustered individuals on this list

She gives a smile before standing up all the way, she seems a little less tired than she looked when she first entered the apartment.

"That was a very pleasant surprise. I think more of those would be nice, you'd spare me a few more, right?"

Kobeni

She might actually pass out.

Kobeni enjoys kissing as much as any other flustered person, but surprise ones are definitely a one way ticket to be having a red face for the next couple of hours.

And surprise her with a good luck kisses on her way out to work was definitely not very helpful, now all she can think about it how soft your lips were. Now she has to deal with teasing from her coworkers.

Tries not to think about it, but she really wishes that she could get another one. Maybe you'll surprise her with one when she gets home or maybe she could surprise you with one of her own. Thinking about it just makes her face even redder.

"S..So not fair! I bet they're not even h.. half as red as i am! Just wait until I get home"

I don't think she even really notices? Power just thinks it's a regular kiss, maybe she jsut thinks all kisses are surprised kisses? Or maybe the surprise kisses were the friends we made along the way

Kobeni gets to shy to try to surprise you with a kiss so she just asks if she could get another kiss.

Power

In any case, Power loves getting kissed so she doesn't really mind. She's more likely to surprise you with kisses.

Her favorite way to surpise you with a kiss or two is to lay ontop of you until you wake up to which she'll start kissing anywhere and everywhere she can.

Sharing a juice box together didn't seem like too big of a deal. You had said you left your own drink at home and didn't want to buy one from the vending machine. It was sold out of your favorite drink, so as the kind girlfriend Asa was, she offered that you both share a drink.

A bit scary and a little bit painful as she has bitten you once or twice on accident. Possibly even scrapped you with her horns once or twice.

"HUH!? What do ya mean i can't wake you up like that anymore? You should be lucky that the almighty Power wakes you up like that... Biting you is just another form of a kisses, those bloodsucker bugs do it all the time!"

Asa Miktaka

Still sipping the juice box, Asa's faces turns a bit red. Asa takes the straw out of her mouth and puts her hand to her lips. She's a little embarrassed that she didn't think of it like that.

As you were both talking and taking sips from the juice box, you let out a small laugh as Asa took another. She shoots a questioning look to you and you share what you were giggling about.

"This kinda counts as our first kiss, y'know? Indirectly but still technically a kiss."

A bit more embarrassed that her first kiss wasn't even an actual kiss. She was even more flustered when you pulled her hand away and gave her the actual kiss she wanted.

"There, fixed it. I thought a real kiss would be better than having an indirect one.. Your face is a little too red, you okay Asa?"

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ecoamerica · 2 months

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youtube

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

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gamblersdoll · 2 months

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PUT MY NAME ON IT, NOW IT DESIGNER 6

angst, hurt to slight fluff, violence and graphic imagery.

“i didnt do shit.” hakari seethed, his hands scrambling for a good reason he was on the spot. he couldnt understand how it had happened, how possibly he had the money but had no transfers from your account to his or vice versa.

“well, how is it in your account!?” you seethed back. sinji had been long gone, which did make you question him, but you were more focused on hakari.

“i told you, i dont know girl!” he shouted, pacing back and forth and in circles.

you were growing tired. so torn in between believing him or giving him the benefit of doubt. a part of you chanted the fact that he had taken money or manipulated you into giving him some money when you were vulnerable, making it hard for his truth. and another part whispered about the past few months he had spent with you, the dates he took you on, the happiness you hadnt felt with sinji, everything. how could you believe him when your money was infact in his bank account ? how could you not believe him and it was a mistake on the transfers end?

you had been in your head for too long, and that worried hakari too much.

“hello?!” he shouted, snapping his fingers in your face. yes you hated when he did that outside of sex, but you needed that snap back to reality. “i didnt touch your money, babydoll. im way past that, dont you realize that?” he asked, tilting his head and looking at you to hope that you came to your senses.

you looked away from him, holding your arms and sighing deeply. you couldnt decide whether or not to believe him. you should believe him! but what if he actually did take the money? what if he didnt? if he didnt, then who did? would you have to start over? what about hakari?

“for now, just leave kinji.” you said, keeping your voice low and gaze away from him. you were definitely shaking, shaking with anxiety and fear, and deep regret. you dont know what exactly you regretted, but that emotion was just present.

hakari sucked his teeth, grabbing his jacket and then you in a fit. he grabbed you ahold by your arm, pulling to his stature and looked down at you. you felt scared for only a glimpse, knowing he isnt the type to beat on women, yet you got startled.

“when i prove this shit false, its gon be me and you.” he said, with somewhat malice and he gritted his eyebrows together. you and him? you wouldnt understand what his version of that was.

and he left without a second glance, slamming the door behind him. he was pissed, most definitely. pissed wasnt the word to use, seething, he was practically melting with rage and revenge. because he wasnt that kind of boy no more that would do that shit. he was grown, grown and well financially capable of taking care of himself, you, and certainly much more. so the fact he was even accused of theft from you drove him absolutely mad.

and the weeks of not talking to kinji were pure fucking hell. you wanted to reach out, you had to. you could actually say that you missed him, contrary to what you would verbalize. you couldnt land a finger on what had happened. and the truth could be right in front of you. hell, you know its some shit when even maki or panda were shocked– especially panda, since hakari was supposedly to exploit him.

and the house was no better. you were alone, but by choice. sinji of course would reach out to you and talk as if nothing had happened, as if he didnt just cause discord between you, him, and kin. you didnt want sinji, you wanted hakari, more than anything. you made the bed, you need to lie in it.

New notification!

you sprung out of your chair, hoping and praying to the gods it was hakari, your hakari, hoping he had texted you about seeing him, anything to show he was innocent like you wanted him to be.

“Sinji: what you wearin? 👀”

you groaned, throwing your head back and choosing to not reply. maybe you wouldnt talk to hakari ever. maybe that was the end of your chapter.

or so you thought.

it was maybe around one in the morning, you slowly drifting to sleep and having just binged watched some show that was trendy.. what was it? love is blind? you got ran the fuck over with that statement. but you felt your phone go off, groaning in annoyance and opening your phone. your heart shot up.

New notification!

“hakari: link @ that coffee shop you like first thing, dont keep me waiting.”

and you didnt keep him waiting, tapping your thumbs together and tapping your foot. he was sitting across from you, not even looking but you can tell he had maybe finally calmed down, he was unreadable at this time.

“hakari i-“ you started, but he interrupted you by putting his hand up, pausing you before you even started. you almost swatted his hand away, just from natural reaction, but you caught it before he caught you. he whipped his phone out, opening his transaction history and having you read it. “read that shit back to me.”

you read it slow, analyzing and gazing at everything. and you had never felt more confused or just slow.

“… what does any of this mean, kin?” you asked, failing to see the bigger picture or maybe you were just slow with a capital “s”.

“hard transaction deposit.” he repeated back, folding his arms together and looking at you. “that means that a third party went into your account, took your money, transferred it to my account, and was using a burner.” he said, he always did his best to not mansplain things but it was needed.

“okay, so.. was it any of your boys?” you asked, “because didnt you transfer money to me when we started talking again?”

“did i send it, or did i take money?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “i have the option to send and transfer money to you, not take it out. and using last time isnt a good excuse ‘cause you sent it to me. neva had the option to take yo money straight from the accounts.”

“okay, thats true, ill give you that..” you said, chewing on your thumb nail, and causing hakari to move your hand away from your mouth. and receiving a ‘stop biting your nail, mama,’ “then who did?”

��the burner traces back to sinji, obviously.” he said, rolling his eyes and sucking his teeth. “the dumbass forgot about IP addresses and shit. i didn’t expect you to know cause numbers dont go good with you.” he jabbed, but thats just how he was. he wasn’t being a dick, though. he just knew the truth.

“im sorry-“

“oh, you will be.” he paused you again, giving a small smile. that scared the shit out of you, the whole saying of ‘fuck around find out’ shit from him.

“hakari chill out!” you said, but one of his clients holding their hand out in front of you to stop you in your tracks, shaking his head at you.

your current position? watching your.. ex? sneaky link? side man? hakari pounding his fist into sinji’s jaw and focusing only on that. sinji wasnt looking too hot.. shit , when did he ever? he was all bruised and purple, also soaked in blood from his broken nose and limp jaw that was clearly dislocated. this had gone on for at least ten minutes. and everyone knew that it was done now, you question how he was able to take a beating like that from hakari.

but for hakari, for one good last blow, stomped his shoulder blade in, hearing a crunch and sinji writhing in pain.

“ill but you a new carpet tomorrow, yall–“ he pointed at the clientele he had hired for his fight club, and shooing them out. “yall leave but be round at arms reach.” he said. “you.” he pointed at you, beckoning his finger at you, “cmere.” and you had no choice to.

“hak-“

“unt unt, no talking, you gon listen to this shit.” he said, putting a hand on your back and one around your throat softly. “you my girl now, no more sinji, in fact he gon watch me while i fuck you.” he said, gritting his eyebrows together and nibbling at your throat. “you and me.” he growled softly. “i fucken love you.”

you cant get a chance to respond, but you were already on your back while he was gripping at your clothes. it made you aroused, not lying to yourself. you needed this, because sinji hadnt dicked you down, and can never now.

“and bitchboy over here is going to hear, and watch me fuck my girl, whether he likes it or not.”

#jjk x reader #jjk spoilers #jjk #jjk x you #jjk smut #jjk leaks #jujustsu kaisen x reader #hakari kinji #kinji hakari #hakari x reader #jjk hakari #jjk fluff #jujutsu sorcerer

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pink-strawberry-kissess · 11 months

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I dont even like the re4re ending with the separate ways line and now Adas not in DI, where is my ship? Is aeon even alive anymore im tired. I hope she will show up at some point. They cannot put her aside, nor can they eliminate her from Leon's life. They have to give him some closure.

okay so let's kinda break this down

since re2r, it's been clear that they've been taking care with how to write aeon. a lot of it (og timeline) seems rushed and so campy. leon loves ada after knowing her for a few hours?

realistically he's known her for a few hours, and then didn't see her again for 6 years; so his interactions with her in re4r make sense. but we have ada's perspective as well to work with. we know that she's known where leon has been for these 6 years as well. even if she didn't keep close track of him- we can kind of assume that she at least knew that leon was on the mission

we see how vulnerable ada is, and i LOVE THAT, that she really is more than just "sexy asian spy lady."

another thing is that ada is one of the most interesting characters of re. sure she's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotten to the point now where fans really want to know more about her. give us her backstory, her motivations, her personal desires (outside of just leon), why she does the things she does.

it's fun to speculate; mine being that she screws over people for her own personal gain or her own sense of morals. she chooses the lesser evil because she knows she can. she's not evil and has never been evil- and people have a hard time understanding that morality isn't just good = good, bad = bad. (the biggest glaring hint to this is that it was always clear that ada betrays wesker at the end of re4, but in re4r they had to JUST SAY IT OUT LOUD AND SHOW HER. Cause if we DON'T SHOW IT, then american audiences DO NOT UNDERSTAND)

it's easy to write good characters and villians. it's a million times harder to write morally gray characters. and ada has always been under utilized in the games and movies. we see an amazing arc with her in 2,4,6. And 6 being her most fleshed out story and in really showcasing what she's like.

i don't think it's a coincidence that lily gao had talked about characterizing ada as more than just a sex symbol. and that's also a huge issue that needs to be tackled separately. that ada has ALWAYS been a sex symbol, but she's MORE than that. and to simply reduce her down to "sexy asian lady, with sexy voice," is such a disservice to her character growth and arc.

i think that it's also a bit on the misogynistic side to always be on leon's side. where's ada's closure? where's the exploration of her trauma? if we really broke down re6, we see ada struggling with her identity being stolen, blackmailed, and it can not be easy handling it all. she's so strong and has been seen to be strong- she puts on a smile for leon, but drops it the second she thinks he can't see her anymore

give them both the closure they need. ada is the third most popular character after leon and jill, sometimes even surpassing chris. she needs to be written well and have exploration of the aeon ship shown and fleshed out. capcom has been pairing leon and ada together for 25+ years. give the older fans the closure they need as well.

now until more people have seen DI, i don't want to speak on it much, so i won't be feel free to ask me again in a few weeks after the movie is more widely available for people.

tl;dr i think they just want to have aeon be more grounded and this makes the most sense- and they don't see each other for another 2-6 years after 2004, so that would be their 3rd ish meeting. there's still plenty of time to work to "that night" and then damnation and then re6.

#ask heart #heart answers #anon #aeon #leon x ada #ada x leon #re4r

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mokutone · 2 years

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I'm drawing Kakashi for the first time (as much as I love them, I rarely ever draw naruto characters so this is a little fun and new for me) and I'm struggling a little bc I'm trying to draw him relaxed, reclining with pakkun (in the way I recline with my cat) and I'm realizing there's something so personal abt drawing him in such a vulnerable pose ig. Like? I'm very tired too rn so maybe I'm being extra emotional and rambly but there are so few scenes of kakashi in canon where he's not wearing the jounin vest, where he's alone and relaxed and out of uniform. And I didn't realize it until I was trying to think back to other similar scenes and there really weren't any. and I'm kind of mesmerized by how you draw him because you capture that so so well, your art is gorgeous but it's also so real and expressive in a way that shows a lot of practice and a lot of love. Idk i think I've said this before and I'm sorry if it's annoying that I'm saying it again (I'll just shut up after this lol) but I went to an art school and I had massive burnout and only really started drawing again in the past 6 months and you were one of my inspirations 2 start drawing again and I'm still not as good as I'd like to be but I draw so much more now and having an actual passion for art has led to a huge improvement, so thank you and thank u for bearing with me and my sleep-deprived rambles. I think my original point got sidetracked. I forgot why i started writing this ask.

dkgjhsdgkjdshg no i think you're 100% right abt the kakashi relaxed thing, even when we see him "relaxed" he doesn't ever really Look relaxed. like

here he is chilling out in the hot springs. this man does not look relaxed but he DOES look exhausted and maybe a little like he's gotten lost. somebody help this confused man find the exit.

anyway art + motivation talk beneath the cut

djhsdkjghsdkjhg thank u for all the compliments abt my art, i do work really hard in order to draw expressive characters, and spend a lot of time paying attention to how the small details in posture and expression change how the character comes across, and im glad it pays off!

also yeah no, similarly, once i left art school (when the pandemic hit) i did have a good 6 months where i did not pick up the pencil even once, and like, usually i feel rlly bad or guilty when i'm not drawing, but my burnout was real bad and i was straight up angry abt everything dgkjhsdgkjh so i just...didn't draw for like 6 months. i didn't even feel bad about it bc i was too busy being angry

and i had a bad relationship with art at the time and eventually realized i kind of had to like? make a different relationship with art—like, try to stop seeing art as something which gave me fundamental worth as a human being, or part of who i am? you know? that's a LOT of pressure to put on just...something that i do. if i took that kind of approach to literally any other task in my life, i'd never do it. imagine thinking that the way and style with which you descend the stairs gives you your worth as a person and if you don't do it exactly right then it means you're worthless as a person? buddy i'd just find a way to go down and out through the window LMAO

i think this is the thing which gives a lot of people burnout, it's exhausting to be constantly working on something and ALSO believe that if you fuck it up even a little, it's because you are the fuckup, and a fundamental failure of a person. god thats so much pressure.

anyway so i decided to make a naruto art blog because i don't even like naruto That Much but my best friend had been trying to get me into it for years (ty kate ilu kate), and so any art that i made would be purely for fun, wouldn't have anything to do with my self worth, and might make kate laugh too, and that's why this blog exists! and taking the pressure off of creating art like that has been enormously helpful to my mental health and my ability to create, also i take breaks alllllll the time, i'm like...way healthier about my art thanks to that, and also just...a nicer person, i think? anyway i'm very glad that i inspired you to get back into art but i'm far more glad that you've found a passion for it, cultivating that passion and joy is so important

#a lot of the way i approach art is bc i worked with kids for a while and like. u can kinda tell when a kid is at the breaking point w/ art #where they're like ''if one more thing goes wrong i am going to Lose It''#+ at that point as a ''teacher'' u have to pick between giving them critique on their artwork to improve OR letting it go + saying their #art is good and they're doing really well #and i always pick the second one—LIKE. once the kid is no longer feeling soooo frustrated abt their art that they're at a breakin point?#THEN we can talk critique. and even then i will still tell them what they're doing well #until theyre at that point tho its all ''yeah!!! you're killing it! look at these new skills you're learning! look how you're improving!''#''look how funny/beautiful/exciting/cool your piece is!!!!''#because first and foremost. i think that art should be enjoyed #having creation as a friend and ally vs A Duty is sooo important #TO BE CLEAR LIKE. this is also still technically a form of critique #i dont just say ''good job champ! great work doing art!'' if u wanna compliment art and have it mean something you do have to be #specific about what is good...not ''that looks great!'' but ''wow you draw really fabulously detailed noses!#or ''wow the fashion you're drawing is really cool—i wish i had that jacket!'' like.#as in all things. compliments and praise are only meaningful if they are /meant/ and you cant fake that #MY POINT IS. if we want to take the pressure off ourselves with art. i think we also gotta treat ourslves like this #look at what we're doing and compliment things we genuinely think weve improved upon. love our successes #nothing better for the ego than to compare new art to old art and look at what weve changed #i should do some redraws at some point #my jutsu

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the-one-blog-to-rule-them-all · 5 months

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it’s been three months since I got my lobes pierced and I still haven’t taken them out or switched them bc the people online say I should wait like 6 months or else I’m a dumb piece of shit, but the other people online say I should do it after 6 weeks or else I’m being paranoid.

I love my health anxiety bc it makes this a real Sophie’s choice. Do I give in to my HA and keep these fuckers in for another three months and THEN maybe change them?? Or do I change them now and expose myself to the possibility of things going wrong because it’s ultimately not that big of a deal?? My incessant need for control makes that last one difficult because if I wait longer that means nothing will go wrong while I’m waiting so I’m in control. If I change them then it allows my body and healing and new earrings in the hole control.

Anyways I should probably tell my therapist that but honestly we’ve been treading water trying to get to “how do you want to show up for your sister” for the last month and a half cause I keep finding new things to talk about 😭😭 she’s so great though. I keep thinking not much has changed but when I look at all of the vulnerable conversations I’ve had with people over the last 6 months or so it’s really a huge difference. I’m still WAYYYYY needing work done and will continue to need therapy for quite some time but I’m happy to see results. And I feel like I can be so honest with Rebecca even when I don’t want to be.

Anyways#2 I feel soooooooo tired and crummy cause I ate like SHITE today (half a box of really mediocre cookies smh) but don’t wanna sleep cause I get a little shpooked sleeping by myself since my FIANCEEEEE is gone. Im considering getting a Swedish massage tomorrow afternoon if they have any walk ins available and then like idk just loafing around again. Me and the cats be vibing today. I wanna draw but idk what I wanna draw. Preferably something that will kinda boost my numbers. My nick drawing actually pulled some good numbers which was surprising so I’m trying to keep that momentum.

#today in kristory

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nightmare-dreamt · 11 months

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hihi! if possible, could i request a matchup for demon slayer & danganronpa? if ur busy then you can ignore this- there might be a few errors, so also ignore those- but i'll start now! my names valerie and my sign is capricorn (december)- abrosexual, INFJ i'm anemic but i lovelovelove drawing, watching/reading anime or manga, sometimes i paint or make little trinkets/origami but its not that often i do that, i also enjoy roleplaying and writing stories. Its not necessary to add- but i absolutely adore weather report & diego (jjba, part 6 and 7). I'm multilingual (russian, japanese, english) and im learning chinese at the moment, i dont really give hugs or like.. holding hands stuff since im not into physical contact or stuff like that, so i'll usually use words or gifts instead- ex; giving flowers/trinkets or just saying ily or sweet stuff.

usually around people i dont know so well im more on the quiet and more tired side then usual, and when im around my close friends i can get a bit loud and energetic- although sometimes i might be a little mean. Whenevr im out with friends i'll usually avoid talking to people, or like.. plan ahead before i say/do something since i overthink a bit too often.

Matchup for Valerie!

Demon Slayer: Obani Iguro

On quiet days that neither of you are busy, the two of you will sit together and listen to the sounds of nature softly enjoying the silent peace. When you draw during these times, Obani will sit beside you and watch listening to the gentle brushes of your material dancing along the paper. You drew him once and he almost cried never have had someone do something so beautiful for him. He somtimes thinks of how he was able to find someone as exquisit as you.

Your guys relationship relies on words and trust with each other. Multiple times you'll have to tell him that you love him and that he's perfect and beautiful in his own ways. It'll take a long time for him to remove his mask and show you his scars, but when you do see them make sure to tell them that they're beautiful and that he's beautiful.

Danganronpa: Aoi Asahina

Her favorite thing about you is your wide span of knowledge within languages. Everytime the two of you are together she ask for you to talk to her in another language just for the fun of it. She'll try to learn the language herself so the two of you can talk to each other in a different language.

When you first met her she was her typical energetical happy self, but you were the opposite being quiet and put off. But, within time the two of you grew with each other and your true colors shown. You should your energetic and chaotic side more to her and she should her vulnerable and insecure side of her.

#x reader #anime #anime x reader #request #matchups #demon slayer x reader #obani iguro #demon slayer #danganronpa #aoi asahina

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pangeasoftware · 6 months

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every thought I can put together about my life right now

im pilled out right now over a back injury. i'm 26 years old. i've seen myself become a progressively worse and more wanton person over the last year and it's definitely kicked into high gear the last 6 months. any semblance of routine has left my life, i'm off my meds because they were making me have psychotic delusions about how the west is trying to trigger the biblical apocalypse eventually culminating in israel invading gaza & the west bank & building the third temple in 2025, 77 years after the founding of the israeli state etc. etc. (this was 2-3 years ago, funny enough these thoughts have completely taken a backseat as things intensify.) and i was very principled and altruistic. I was working out 3+ times a week i was cooking. I was at peace with all of my interpersonal relationships and making friends at a steady pace. I finished a song. All of my friends left town when I hit 26. I visited some of them after the fact but got drunk and tried to break into their place because my gf left her purse there before they ditched us and they got mad at me and we haven't talked since. last two months i've been going to parties but only really hitting it off with like, young girls which is not who i want to be surrounding myself with because there is no common ground outside of a party setting and it is just kind of sus behavior, also probably an indicator of where i'm at in terms of maturity, most people my age or older are like well known in the community or already have friends or talk about stuff at their college-educated jobs that I don't know about or look at me weird for how im acting or what I choose to talk about because i'm not very bright or plugged in. I started really phoning it in at my job where i'm supposed to be taking care of vulnerable people. at this point i spend probably most of my workday on my phone. i used to be really on top of things. I don't do it out of a sense of entitlement or anti-employer principle or anything it's entirely a lack of self control and nobody's there to stop me. I'm going to community college classes where i'm always the oldest person there who isn't retired. i've been going to these entry-level classes for almost a decade and it makes me feel really stupid. My relationship with my partner who i love and have been with for also almost a decade has been better lately, but over these last six months at times it has been worse than it has ever been, solely because I can't figure out what I want and can't appreciate what I have. I have sunk into a deep pit of lonely indulgence in response to feelings of anxiety about the passage of time (meaning: taking stimulants to feel better, drinking all the time, jacking off, eating eating eating eating eating). I think what happened is that the

passage of time finally became impossible to ignore. from 2020-2023 my life was frozen in a bucolic crystalline lattice of domesticity that i had a sense of gratitude for that felt limitless, unending in the same way that I had an endless stretch of time on the clock. I felt ahead of the game in a lot of respects. I had found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, every day I was making meaningful connections with new people, I had done my time at a job I found tolerable and sufficiently compensatory and was making the transition to an even better one. I finished a song or two. I started getting tired of the patterns of discontent, then pleasure, then fear, then gratitude that tessellated to form my interface to the things in front of me and asked to be put on a mood stabilizer. After weeks of steady unease i forgot two doses two days in a row and plunged into a deep and unfamiliar well of fear and resentment. Every thought I have had about the passage of time over the last three to six to eight to eleven years aligned to a point- I missed the boat/I am not where I should be at this point in time/I have wasted the entirety of my youth, the wick has submerged/the time has passed for every fantasy I had about what I could be or do or create or who I could surround myself with when i was "older," "grown up," or "had the time to develop myself."/there is no longer a single thing to look forward to, because you have missed all of the inflection points to pivot your life toward where you wanted it it to be. Thoughts I had when I was 22 and wasn't watching the clock as i should have been - "if i am still in school by the time i am 26 [something will have gone terribly wrong - this is a state of failure]." I think that maybe what was sustaining me through the years of wandering inaction/fulfilled contentment was the thought

that I would always have time to do the other things, these other lives aren't mutually exclusive to experiencing this life. this is maybe one of the biggest copes I have ever engaged with, it is a thought I have

maybe hundreds of times a day. I can still do the other thing later, I want to do this right now, this is easy. I can do both things. I can indulge myself and I can be the person I want to be. I can waste as much time as I like and still look back at the end of the day and be happy with how I spent it.

Every day is a clean slate for me, there is no time like the morning because it represents a perfect, unblemished chunk of time ready for me to: 1) ideally set my affairs right and fulfill my ambitions 2) actually thoughtlessly devour, only to wonder what happened when faced with the empty plate in front of me. i think this pattern follows to every other ephemeral thing in my life. the realization of potential is a little death every time/a completely lossy process. it doesn't matter that something real became of it, it was better before it condensed because it represented so many different possibilities that could not coincide.

I don't have anybody to "look up to" anymore. Nearly anyone who as accomplished the things that I want to do, especially creatively, got it done when they were my age or younger. The time has passed and there is now a concrete veil between my path and theirs, because I spent my time differently. it's a really bad feeling. I put a lot of effort and thought into the idea of making music. It's all i want to do when I don't have the time, and the last thing that I want to do when I do have the time. I was okay with resigning it to a hobby for a number of reasons. I was at peace with the fact that I will not be able to make the things I want to make, I felt like I fully understood that there were other, much, much more important things to do with my life. I understood that the casual relationship I had with it was what kept it fulfilling and healthy. but these I think were also held in place by the understanding that "there will always be time later." My father is a failed musician, a chronic abuser, a man who suffers regular bouts of religious psychosis, and is shitting in diapers because of his drinking habit because of a lot of this. that's another thing that kept me at a safe distance from these ambitions. I didn't want to grow bitter and resentful of the actual people and places and things that made up my life because they stand in opposition to a [idealized, meaning holding infinite internal complexity and potential as discussed earlier] configuration where I got what I wanted out of myself creatively.

I'm at a point where I don't really know what comes next. I got about as far as I had mapped out, and what happened in that time didn't span the entirety of the self-conflicting imaginary that mapping consisted of, and i feel cheated because of it. because of this feeling, I'm getting mixed up and trying to push buttons because I want to feel some kind of agency in my life and i think i'm going to get taken out if i succumb to that impulse.

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one-abuse-survivor · 8 months

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im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

#Ask #Abuse tw #abusive parents #abuse recovery #Death tw #Grief tw #family death tw #Child abuse tw #Vent #Trauma tw #Trauma recovery #Self harm mention #Sh mention

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sunmoonjune · 1 year

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keyboard warrior returns bc im currently rereading ltm for some healing and overall good vibes and over the days my notes just grew into this mammoth essay so what can we do 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

my shower thought when bug signs soojin is 'dead' is under what context did bug create that sign? ? like why did she need a sign for that 😔 and just in general how does she come up with signs that aren't used often like 'home' bc what i like to imagine is little yun, bug and soojin hidden away in some safe place when they have free time and just holding each others' hands so they can have little language lessons and make up signs and practice them until they remember them pls im going to combust into a billion little hearts

ch 5-6 are some of my fave chapters bc it's such a pivotal point in her relationship w some of hte members in ateez where they see for themselves the amount of trauma that bug has been through but then we also know in reality it's just the tip of the iceberg :((

bug diving to save hwa from the arrow and then hwa doing the same by covering her body with his. YES. SHOW BUG SHE'S WORTH PROTECTING. as much as i hate bug and ateez putting their bodies and lives on the line for each other daMn nothing beats this sort of angsty protectiveness. more pls 🤩🤩

literally got goosebumps when san just so naturally signed promise without realising before letting go of yun's hand. like the fact that it was just instinct for him is so so so cute

i think one of my favourite moments is when bug breaks out of her episode and signs to yun that she's tired, and he reassures her “Sleep, Tiny. I’ve got you now.” not just bc of my brainrot going 💓💓 @ yun calling me bug tiny but the amount of trust she puts into yun to take care of her whilst shes both emotionally and physically at her most vulnerable. and then we get yun carrying bug back to camp like a little baby i SWEAR SIZE DIFFERENCES MOONIE YOU'RE GONNA GIMME WHIPLASH SO BAD ONE DAY I'LL NEVER RECOVER

i love the amount of growth you can see already during bug's first episode with ateez and how GOOD they are for her bc 1) yun was able to break bug out of her episode w/o her needing to experience pain first 2) she's normally non-verbal for days after but she asked joong that very same day if she did good (OFC BUG YOU WERE THE BEST 🫶) 3) literally fell asleep to san's hushed comforts

pls when san was explaining the reason why he calls bug bug and she has the most adorable confused face that san wants to capture - i'm just imagining if ateez had access to a polaroid or some sort of camera with prints bc they would take such the CUTEST photos of each other and i can see them taking so so so many photos of bug (ofc only when she's comfortable with it bc ik she'd initially be so shy and insecure) and there would also be all these candid photos of bug looking at the other members with stars eyes and photos of the members looking at bug with heart eyes. and the reason i say polaroid or prints is bc bug will be all ?? what is this sorcery 🧐?? at first but then she'll come to have this one photo of ot9 that gets all creased and faded bc of how closely she keeps it with her all the time bc it's the most precious thing she owns and she'll literally throw hands before she lets anyone take it away from her 🥺 im so delulu rn im in love with bug

also on the note of bug's name, when san creates a symbol for her i just realised he uses a circle as part of it which i now know is 'home' and if that ain't the cutest thing 😭 idk if that was deliberate on your part but san unknowingly referring to bug as home has got me gOOD

let me send you the rest of my brainrot in a separate ask after i read through the remaining chapters bc wow this got long real fast and i was already trying to keep it short oop hope you're doing well moonie <33

AHHHHH DO YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING!! I'M IN LOVE WITH ALL YOUR ASKS OMG KISS KISS YOU'RE SO SWEET <333

no but the way I saw this long ask and your second one in my inbox and literally had to stop what I was doing and take a few minutes to read because I was SO happy omg :}} these kind of asks make my entire WEEK I swear

please continue to send your mammoth essays I reread them ALL the time cause I love them so much <33

bug already having a sign for the word 'dead' implies something that will be hinted on in the next chapter so I'm glad you've brought it up ;) also yes I think she does come up with signs for things she doesn't use very often because there might have been a time she thought there was a chance she would use them :'(

and YES that is almost exactly how I imagined them making their little language,, sometimes soojin wasn't there (you'll partially see why in the next chapter ;) ) but they kind of had to seclude themselves away from prying eyes in the darkness of night when no one would look for them,, then they kind of just held hands and came up with their little symbols and repeated them until they stuck :") it took over a year or two before they had the widespread vocabulary they have now but they got there <3

chapter five and six were definitely the climb to the tip of the iceberg for sure,, ateez got to see some of her deepest traumas -- but I don't even think we've hit the tip of the iceberg yet ;) bug's past has only been hinted at so far and soon we will see the depth of it

the protectiveness ALWAYS hits for me xD I love it when characters act purely on instinct and that instinct says to PROTECT,, it makes me weak in the knees <3

also san picking up bug's language so naturally and instinctually signing it to his partners is the CUTEST thing <3

yun bringing bug out of the dark even though it's been like a decade since they were together was a HUGE moment for them :"D he was so unsure he'd still have that effect on her but she recognized him instantly <33 also I love the size difference too <3 makes me AASDIOHAF#%#!

I think honestly part of the reason bug opened up so well after her attack was BECAUSE there was no pain to bring her out of it,, she recognized that ateez had no intentions to harm her and it helped her recover just that much more :')

OH MY GOD THE BIT ABOUT THE CAMERA -- I'M IN LITERAL TEARS :"D

they so would take so many pictures of bug if she were comfortable with it and bug ABSOLUTELY would take on of the photos of all of them and carefully keep it folded in one of her pockets or buried in one of her scabbards so it was always with her,, it would get so folded and aged and one day ateez would find it and MELT with joy that she kept it so close to her for so long,, and they would definitely manage to recreate the picture or something so she could have another copy that wasn't so worn down :")

AND she so would NEVER let anyone take that picture from her omg,, feral bug would come out fr xD

hehe bug's name absolutely was deliberate to have the word 'home' in it,, just like joong's <3 san might not have known that yet but it still makes me happy that it's part of her name even if he hadn't known <3

I hope you're doing well too my love <33 thank you so so much for such a beautiful ask omg I love you so much <3

#moonie speaks #like the moon #moonie's favs <3 #moonie's mutuals <3 #like the moon spoilers #like the moon hints hehehehe

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somethingboutlife · 2 years

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Day in life of the barely functioning #1

Scrolling through social media, mainly Facebook, TikTok, instagram, we have all these glamorous "day in the life of..", and even though not being perfect has become very modern, I still feel like im barely functioning in comparison. Im very aware that social media life is not real life, of course, but where's the norm? And where am I? Since I'm barely function in comparison to the "normal" individual, I cannot mirror myself, and it leaves me feeling anxious and vulnerable. Therefore, im gonna make some updates of a day in the life of a barely functioning individual. And im gonna pray to god that nobody IRL finds this and realise that I don't function. And maybe, someday, I'll make a post where I am indeed functioning in comparison to now.

9 am: I woke up, after sleeping for about 11-12 hours. I went to a party and got drunk friday, the hungover seemed endless, but it was mostly gone today. I stayed in bed for about an hour and got up, made some coffee and ate some fruit.

12 am: I started doing my assignment for school, its almost 7 pm now and I'm still not done. I really like my study, but its also very difficult and time consuming.

4 pm: I took a shower, and made a snack pot, had my last cup of coffee since im caffeine sensitive and cannot fall asleep if I've had too much coffee

6 pm: I boiled some eggs and ate them with rye bred, had a pepsi max.

I've been spending all day in bed, but I'm a good place mentally today. I'm anxious about tomorrow because I have to go to class, but hopefully I'll be too tired in the morning to realise that, and just get it done.

#a day in the life #mental health

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booplol · 2 years

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Bad day?

Hello! This is a fic of 3 of my ocs!

THIS IS AN SFW TICKLE FIC! Warnings: gay

this is my first ff that i am posting so im sorry if it sucks 👍

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Rye opened the door to the small apartment and saw Ethan making food for them. "Hey love, how was your-"

Rye was already gone and shut the door of the bedroom behind him. He took off his bag and coat and flopped on the bed for a sec. He was so tired, his boss was up his ass, his friend's dog got sick, he was in pain, everything that could have gone wrong today went wrong. He just could not think about talking to people right now.

Knock knock.

"...Rye? You okay love?"

Ethan was definitely a bit annoyed she was ignored, but decided to put that aside and help their boyfriend.

"...I'm fine, sorry babe, can I have like 5 minutes to change?" "Of course, come out when you're done." Rye slightly smiled, he loved his partner so much. They made him feel so welcomed, Rye felt bad about what he did, so about five minutes later after changing into some pajamas, he went to the kitchen to check on Ethan.

"Hey babe, sorry about ignoring you, it's been a long day..." "Wanna talk about it?"

Rye sighed and laid his head on Ethan's shoulder. He explained all the bs he was put through that day, his boss, the customers, the dog, and whatever else. Ethan listened and finished making dinner for the three.

Ding dong!

"Hiiii did you miss me?"

Leaf shining like a bright star wheeled into the kitchen and gave Ethan a kiss before turning to Rye and smiling. Rye gave a half smile back and Leaf knew something was up. Rye is scared of telling Leaf some things because when xe know Rye is sad, they make is a war in order to make sure he is happy. Leaf immediately asked.

"Rye? What happened?" "W-what? Nothing! Just tired..." "No, that's a face of sadness, if you don't tell me right now mister, you know what I will do?" "WAIT! W-wait I know! I'll tell you..." "Wait, what will Leaf do?"

Ethan now clearly interested and mad he was not apart of this little secret he needed to know what it was now.

"N-NOTHING!! DON'T WORRY!" "Let's just say I have a way of getting him happy!"

Ethan was intrigued,

"Well, what is it?" "...Grab Rye and give him a bear hug."

Rye immediately bolted to his room, with Ethan chasing right behind him. Ethan's fighting experience mixed with his 6 day a week gym routine, he was much faster and stronger than Rye and gave him a bear hug. Leaf came in not long after and smiled deviously.

"Alright, you can't tell ANYONE. Got it?" "Uh... yeah got it."

Leaf grabbed Rye's hips and squeezed, with that squeeze was a following squeal. Following that was Rye's face turning bright red. Ethan know immediately what was going on.

"Ryeeee, how could you leave this from meeee?!" "Shuhuhuhut uhuhp!" "Hey! Don't talk to Ethan like that!"

Ethan lightly pressed Rye against the wall and started spidering his sides, causing him to slide down the wall. Leaf got out of the wheelchair cautiously, and sat on Rye's legs and poked at his knees. This sent him an octave higher than what he was before.

"Wowww, I have never seen him laugh like this before! It's so cute!" "It's more than cute! He loves it no matter what he tells you."

Rye could not handle the teasing and the tickling, it was unbearable!

"EheEHhheheEHehehHEHEHEHHEhehehe! NAHHahaHAHtTTt ThEERERHRHEREE!"

Ethan had made it right next to his belly button, he started lightly scratching at the hole and, when I tell you he screamed, yes, he screamed.

Ethan was shocked, she has never seen their boyfriend so vulnerable before, it shocked him. He began scratching the bully button lighter, which reacted in squeaky giggles and hiccups.

"ehEEHEHEHEheehe. IhihIhih HahAHAataTehHEHE yohohoho GuYsS!" "Really? You think it's funny! Why can't we?"

Rye tried to kick, but that didn't work. Leaf eventually work xeir way to his feet. He shrieked and threw his head back, nearly smacking the wall and trying to escape this tickle torture! When Leaf scratched up and down his soles so lightly, he lost his composure and dignity. He thrashed and tried to escape, the ONE thing he could not take was this! Ethan let go of Rye's hands and joined Leaf who still had Rye's legs trapped. They both grabbed each foot and lightly tickled each foot.

"AHAHHAHAHAH! NOHOHOHO! I'M- I'M NOHOHOHOT SAHAHAHAHD ANAHAHANAHNYMOHOHOHOHOREEEEE! PLEAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEAHAHSEEEE!"

Leaf heard these pleads and decided to slow down and go back to his knees, lightly tracing circles and squares and squiggles into the sensitive skin. Ethan went back to his boyfriend's torso and lightly scratched his sides. Rye's laughter died down into squeaky, quiet laughter.

"Do you feel better?" "Y-yehahaheahhaha."

As they stopped and Rye caught his breath entirely, Leaf turned to him,

"Rye, please don't be afraid to tell me things. I love you and respect you, okay?" "...yeah. I will. Thank you."

Beep! Beep! Beep!

"wtf... OH SHIT THE FOOD."

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Hiii! Sorry this was shit, this is my first fic! I am very tired and maybe a bit high but y'know, slay.

So yea hope u likeditokbye.

-Z

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