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rattusrexx · 2 years

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~ What you are on the inside vs how you appear on the outside ~

#∘⡊;; aesthetics #〠;; picrew #Okay so Kiore isn't a total monster but they're a little... unhinged #Which is coming off lightly since they're a feral rat hobo #Mmm feeling good today #First time I've gotten onto a bike in about 2 years or more #Got the strength back for that at least and even a little writing!#Still got a long way to go and some other health issues but hopefully it's not going to be too bad #Good to focus on writing again

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babyloniastreasure · 6 months

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something that kind of bothers me about modern feelings toward the epic of gilgamesh is how it's been COMPLETELY watered down to being "gay". Bear with me as I explain.

this is more of an extreme example, but I see this take all the time (not the yaoi part. the gay lover part). it's boiled down to the fact that it's gay over literally anything else in the epic. Gilgamesh's lament to Urshanabi about Enkidu's loss is overshadowed by the fact that Gilgamesh is mourning his gay lover. Gilgamesh is on a journey because he lost his gay lover. Gilgamesh and Enkidu were gay.

Now I understand that with a modern lens, people tend to lock on to how unabashedly Gilgamesh mourns Enkidu, because it's gay and because it's the oldest written epic in human history. People feel deeply connected to the idea that people like them have been around since the dawn of literature. But placing exclusive focus on the nature of the relationship as gay, rather than why the relationship or its loss was important, erases the story the epic is trying to tell.

The Epic of Gilgamesh is a story about love, yes, but it is not a love story. It's about the fear of death, coping with loss, and desperation to stave off the inevitable. It's about the bonds of friendship, about hardship, coming to terms personal change and losing pieces of yourself as you learn and grow. It is about consequences, arrogance, death, second chances, mourning, yearning, loving and LIVING. The Epic of Gilgamesh is about the entire human experience and one man's struggle to accept it. What does it mean to have lived? What does it mean to have loved, and lost? What does it mean to die, and to be remembered? What does it mean to be human?

It is perfectly okay to find appreciation for the Epic because of Gilgamesh and Enkidu's relationship. But also understand that the world's oldest story is not about two gay men who loved each other. It is a story about being alive.

TLDR;

#the epic of gilgamesh #mesopotamia #sumerian #once again recommending that everyone read the epic of gilgamesh at least once because it really is a great story #gilgamesh and enkidu's relationship is first of all--a minor detail at best. homosexuality was normal in sumerian society #so it wouldn't have been unusual. in fact placing such intense focus on it is what's unusual #also they weren't even homosexual. they both also sleep with women. but the erasure of bisexuality is a completely different hornet's nest #i could also probably write a post about how watered down the whole ea-nasir thing is too #but hes so much of a meme i might as well try to convince a brick wall to get up and walk for all the good it'd do #anyway. im pretentious about this topic because i love it so fucking dearly. please recognize what it is youre appreciating

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ganondoodle · 4 months

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im quite tired of talking about totk, like im sure you all know by know just how frustrated i am, but something i still strongly believe was the logical, and best thing to do in a sequel.. -

while botw was about you feeling lost in a strange world with neither you nor link knowing anything and both discovering it as you go, the theme of lonelyness and isolation, freeing the spirits of dead friends you need toremember again, in the end finally reuniting with one of the only friends still alive, after a 100 years

totk should have been about community, about working together with zelda at your side, as a companion, after having been seperated for so long, and seeing nothing of the time between titles, this should have been her travelling alongside you, after botw you'd WANT to spend time with her and get to know her more, her being the diplomat, the archtitect, the scientist, the translator of old texts, a historian trying to find out the truth about what her fathers kingdom was built on, to right old wrongs perhaps, for a better future- theres so much that she should have been, so much of her character was primed to go into this direction- and instead she is a pretty prize with no personality you get at the end like this is an 80s cartoon still

(this is disregarding the whole fact that ganondorf, AS WELL, should have been a giant factor in all this, in the history of it all, to explore his character and his actions, to have zelda research and find out about histroy clearly written by the victors- theres so much potential depth here that it dirves me crazy, botw was such a set up for more that was wasted, utterly wasted, for something i wouldnt even want to call paper thin bc even paper has more depth than anything in totk)

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #totk #ganondoodles rants #do not come to argue with me #im done trying to sound all nice about it #im angry and frustrated about this #tin foil hat me is convinced they shipped the “writing” for totk off to some mobile games company bc they wanted to focus on that movie #since the success of the mario movie made them prob more money thant botws sales did #i know it might no line up #which is why i said tin foil hat me thinks that #with the situation of the games industry as a whole and zelda being my thing of interest #its soemthing i wont let go ever #and i have zero faith there will be any good stories to come out of the franchise again #dare i say satoru iwatas presence is dearly missed #espeically knowing how the other main guys think about what games should be #i know miyamoto always had a questionable approach to games #pretty sure it was aounoma who said the “why would you wanna go back to linearity lolol nostalgia blindet idiots lololol”#not a direct quote but you know what i mean #anyway #wont be taking about totk in length anymore #im just tired at this point #getting better at ignoring its existence but it still hurts like a sore spot you forgot you had whenever i hear anythign about it

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lightningidle · 2 months

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Fig's line "I don't think I'm an artist, I think I'm just a good friend" has not left my head at all. Just...

You're Fig Faeth and your horns came in over the summer and you pick up the bard class as a form of adolescent rock 'n' roll rebellion, and it works! It's exactly the outlet you need! You give a guy you just met drumsticks and you start a band and it's good enough that within a year and a half you're touring. You are, in every sense, good at being a bard.

And then, finally, your junior year, you start to take it seriously. Your art goes from an outlet and a form of rebellion to a practice. A discipline. (Can rebellion exist within a discipline?) Your classmates know what they want to do with their work. They all have a thesis statement. And yeah, there's cohesion in the music you make, but you've never had to think about why you make it. You've never sat down and dissected what it is about bass that speaks to you. You've never poured over your lyrics to pick at any deeper meaning. Why should you? You don't play music for a grand design, you do it to... huh, why do you do it?

(Your art is the one form of self-expression that feels as safe as Disguise Self does, because even if you're pouring your heart onto the page and then screaming it in front of thousands of people, it's not like you're really making yourself known. You can sing I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm furious, and your fans will sing it right back, and there will still be the distance between performer and audience to keep your heart safe.)

Now you're being asked to look inward to explain the artistic choices you're making, and you can't help but recoil at that, because you'd rather do anything than look inward. Meanwhile, your classmates have no problem with it, so you start to wonder if you're a real artist at all. Can your art be authentic if it only exists to bolster a thesis statement? Has your art been unauthentic this whole time because you've never really thought about a thesis statement before? Is that what makes it art, and not just the next track on somebody's teen angst playlist?

You can't think about yourself— acknowledging your own existence makes you want to puke. So if your music is an extension of yourself, (and it is, even if it's just because the spotlight reveals only what you want it to,) you can't think about your music. You can't. You have to. Your grade depends on it.

You're Fig Faeth, and you keep multiclassing because you'd rather be a good friend than a great artist. If introspection is what great art demands, then fuck it. You must not be a bard at all.

#Dimension 20 #fig faeth #fhjy #Idle Chatter #my last two years of college were when I started to get more and more nauseous about my own art #because I wasn't being taught how to make the art I wanted to make #the whole curriculum's focus was on gallery art #which infuriated me! I wanted to make art that didn't have to involve twelve layers of meaning and metaphor to be considered good!!#so I drove myself into the ground time and again trying to make (miserable) work that I thought would fit the criteria of a Real Artist #anyway it's been 4 years and I'm just now picking at why I don't enjoy creating anymore so Fig's whole arc has hit home in a major way #ALSO. AAAAALSO. THE ADHD STRUGGLE WE SEE WITH BOTH FIG AND KRISTEN. LOVING SOMETHING BUT STILL STRUGGLING WITH FOLLOW THROUGH #BEING TOLD YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH WHEN IT'S SO FUCKING HARD JUST TO GET WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS AND NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY IT'S HARD FOR YOU #it was easy and now that the rubber's hit the road it's hard for you but not for others so it must be YOU that's the problem #you must be lazy or stupid or just not suited to this after all even though it's part of a pattern that has been happening all your life #if you were good enough or cared enough then surely the discipline would come easily to you! the way it comes easily to all your classmates #SCREAMS I gotta stop before I write a second essay in the tags. I'm so normal you can trust me to be normal about D&D characters

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ramayantika · 1 year

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Old desiblr as a locality post

A day in Desiblr gully

It's 5am and some of them are going to sleep now after having a good screentime duration while posting, "I need to stop being chronically online." Some of the artists are busy decorating their walls with their dream vacation and outfits photos and calling it a moodboard. Their houses look the prettiest because everything is set according to an aesthetic.

It's 7am now. The early risers are posting good morning messages and other teens are getting ready for catching their school vehicles while liveblogging their activities before eating one last morsel of their breakfast. A random 18 year old is getting scolded by his friend to not skip meals again or she will come with a knife. College going peeps are watching all of this silently. Some are glad that they are done with school. No more waking up at 6 and getting ready while some feel nostalgic looking at these kids doing the things they once did.

"Guys aaj meine aloo paratha banayi hai!" A girl posts a photo of makhan maar ke aloo paratha and few others immediately rush inside her house to have her delicious parathe. Someone then says, "yaar mujhe bhi aisi parathe bannani hai."

It's 12pm. The gully is a little silent now. Students preparing for competitive exams are studying. School going kids are busy with school while desperately wanting to rush home to their Desiblr gully and narrate what Mrs A said to their friend or the latest drama in their lives. Some people have saved paintings and poetry quotes to tag their friends who always stand with them and appreciate their work. They never tell them this, but they know that if they make it big in publishing something, a major credit will go to their friends for reading or appreciating their work.

And finally it's 3pm. The sun is high up in the sky. The lanes are filled with chitter chatter of school kids coming back. Some are announcing that they finally proposed their crush while some are busy debating if the said person likes them or not. Their faces are a little tired but their hearts are brimming with enthusiasm. It's good to be home. They eagerly head home and freshen themselves.

'I need to thank didi for sharing those maths tips. Only due to her, I got 97% in maths."

Here everybody eats lunch together. There are tables and mats laid in the common garden. So many dishes belonging to different cuisines prepared by everyone from different states of India is served here. There are sweets and very spicy foods. Some got local desi refreshing drinks to beat the summer while some got their delicious homemade achaar.

Do you hear someone singing? Yeah they are the singers of our neighbourhood. It's a desi mehfil. Some of them have been training in music while some join in to vibe. It's a fun activity nevertheless. The mic is open, you can join in anytime.

It's 5pm. Some of them took an afternoon nap and woke up dazed. A tent is set up. It's a cultural evening today, I think. Wait for it, we may not have the best costumes and stage arrangements but we have got some talented performers. Love lorn poets have got their poems out, the dancers are dancing on movie songs while some choose devotional pieces. Look at her, she sings so well! The crowd is singing with her too. Wait for another hour and you will see some of our amazing photographers and painters with their brilliant artistry.

Now everybody is heading to study and take cars of their other jobs. Some are cleaning their homes (blogs) and painting the walls after they saw a movie and want their house (blog theme) to match the colour scheme. Is there a warm happy feeling in your heart? There is always this feeling in the air here.

Well this small neighbourhood is pretty and chaotic. Sometimes you might feel as if you do not fit in. Everyone looks intimidating. Their are scuffles and fights too at times. But just wait for a while and give time, you will find your own circle too. Be prepared to take care of some absolute unhinged friends too for they be taking some really impulsive decisions.

I think it's 10pm now. Some are having dinner right now with their friends. There is a boy busy completing his assignments after procrastinating the whole day (he made his friends bully him to make him complete it)

Do you know we maybe young, very young but we got hearts and somewhere a little wisdom too. This is the place to be yourself the way you are. You don't need to pretend here. We cry loudly and laugh loudly too. Our friends have seen the best and worst of us yet they choose to stay with us through thick and thin.

It's midnight. Someone announced that they are leaving this place saying, "it's time to move on friends. You all made my life brighter and I am so grateful for each on you." See how every person goes and hugs them. Some have started crying but they all choose to let them go. It's only for the best, they say. 'Just remember us in your memories. We wish you all the best, friend! Goodbye! Our doors will always be open for you if you ever decide to come back.'

It's dawn once again. Someone will come up with a new poem as an aubade to wake up sleepy heads for school. O look, a group of girls are singing devotional songs. It's a beautiful start, isn't it.

This is our colourful little community. Humari Desiblr gully...

#samridhi writes #desiblr #once again I know I have missed so many things too. these were my observations and I just want everyone to have a good feeling #once again we have terrible fights too but I am someone who likes to focus on the good so here we are #I love you all though

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quinn-pop · 7 months

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to be apart

#ghghh i guess i write fanfic now??? i'm not really proud of anything so far so i wasn't gonna post abt it but i really wanted to draw this #kirbyposting #my art or something #magolor #kirby #to be apart #i dont really know how to tag this it may as well be a shitpost #kris where the fuck are we #oh yeah i haven’t drawn much in the past month because well. my number one priority is sewing #but i finally realized what i wanted this fic to be like and then the hyper focus kicked in #we’ll see how it goes i guess #i can’t say it’s particularly good but it’s a lot of fun to do and it feels really really good to be writing again so that’s enough for me

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almea · 2 years

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#RWBY #Blake Belladonna #Yang Xiao Long #Bumbleby #ice queendom spoilers #🥺 Seeing this scene again just made me so happy #Especially with this different spin of Yang being more interested in what Blake was writing and wanting to read it #There's also something kind of fun about how Best Day Ever was used as a beginning in volume 2 #But they used it as an ending in Ice Queendom #Low-key kind of want them to do another season of anime RWBY just because I think volume 2 era is a good time to focus on Blake #I will never forget the jokes about volume 2 Blake stealing Ruby's main protagonist role #Especially in the first half #There's another gif I made of this scene where Weiss is looking at them like 'What are you two even doing'#But it's visually less impressive than these shots so I left it out lmao #otp: bumblebee #For my own tagging purposes

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spop-romanticizes-abuse · 8 months

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Wanna know something super interesting? In the OG show, Shadow Weaver was not the parental type. There was like, only one or two passing references of SW saying to Adora “You’ve always thought of me as a mother figure.” Which may not be true, since Adora doesn’t confirm this. Actually HORDAK was Adora’s family in the Horde, serving as her father figure, and not a (completely) bad one at that. He did lie to her and mind control her to rejoin the horde once or twice, but relative to the new series and Adora’s relationship with SW, he wasn’t that bad. Adora even went on record to say he was a good father when she was in the Horde. She even became Force Captain with hard training and work, because Adora is no nepo baby. Granted, Hordak never finds out she’s really She-Ra. But even as She-Ra, Hordak and her have a sense of honor between the two. When she saved his life by crying for him (long story), Hordak pulled his forces in return.

I really wish they explored that more in the new show. I like SW as a villain. But when compared to Hordak’s old relationship with Adora, it feels boring. ‘Abusive and evil mom’ just doesn’t interest me much as ‘A good and loving father turns out to be an evil warlord’. One has more nuance and conflict in my opinion.

i'd heard a little bit of this and yes, it's infinitely more interesting! in the reboot, adora and hordak barely even interacted. it felt less like she-ra vs the horde and more like adora vs catra. which, while i like personal feuds in media, defeats the purpose of the narrative.

adora is supposed to be fighting the leader of the horde, since she's trying to abolish that system altogether. i get that hordak didn't fight in the war like catra did, partially because of his disability and partially because he's the big bad boss guy who just gives directions. but adora and hordak never comes face to face with each other during the show, which is really weird. again, this is where i feel like the writers were being too childish.

when you're fighting against an evil system, you go for its leader, not the second-in-command. but then again, hordak barely did anything in the reboot, other than yelling at people and breaking down. not a very strong villain.

imagine if in avatar, aang was supposed to fight azula instead of ozai. azula was certainly a terrifying villain but she still was only the sidekick. it would have made more sense if glimmer and bow were left to deal with catra (the same way zuko and katara were left to handle azula in the finale) while adora faces hordak.

and while i'm not upset with the adora and shadow weaver plotline, i absolutely agree that following the og thread would have been better. that way, you could see adora's dilemma with having to fight her father figure whom she actually cared about, and it would have made for a more intriguing narrative.

#and overall even the adora vs catra fights were so?? meaningless?#like catra just abuses adora a bunch and leaves her there to die #she doesn't die and they do it all over again #from a personal standpoint it was good #but during a war?? it was just nad writing because they didn't want to focus on the actual effects of the war #spop critical #spop #spop salt #spop discourse #spop criticism #she ra

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ninawolv3rina · 6 days

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Pretty/Dangerous

OC: Faedril “Fae” Silvarin

#my art #my characters #i think I’m finally done i think my brain rot can rest now #I’m tired wehehehe #i have to focus on writing again #and other things #but I’ve been very productive recently so i feel p good about that #Faedril #fae #Faedril silvarin

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kurokoros · 9 months

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I've been seeing the "endeavor is the best written character in BNHA" take for a while and regardless of if that's true or not (because that's an opinion, not a fact) do the people saying this not think it's questionable or off-putting that the "best" written character is a middle aged man discovering after over two decades that neglecting, abusing, and overall traumatizing his wife and children is BAD and he wants to be a better person now???

#i know i have mutuals that like endeavor. or at least want to fuck him. but come on guys pick a better dilf. have better taste #for the record I don't have an issue with the narrative putting a focus on endeavor #i just think the framing of that focus was garbage #using him as a narrative point to critique hero society and the HPSC was RIGHT THERE. IT WAS RIGHT THERE #ALSO. A L SO. i'm so tired of people being like 'hey this man makes me uncomfortable and I don't like him in the story'#and absolute clowns responding that ' yeah. but he's the best written character in the series!!!'#once again WHY has the abusive father been given the best writing in the series as opposed to literally any of the main characters?#horikoshi chose to minimize the ripple effect endeavor's behavior should have had on society in BNHA and shockingly that's not good writin #also because i know people like to whine about 'p u r i t a n i c a l' views. that is literally not the problem here #i'm not mad that endeavor exists as a character. I like the wrench he throws into the idealistic version of heroism presented early on #i'm mad that the societal issue of men using their wealth fame and power to abuse others is glossed over #in favor of a narrative arc about this dickhead feeling bad and wanting to do better #anti bnha #sort of #anti endeavor #absolutely #fandom.bnha

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thedevotionaltour · 3 months

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even for period typical ableism it still drives me nuts for karen to go oh poor matt how can he deal and get around as if he hasn't been blind most of his life at this point and living on his own by himself as an adult for his entire adult life after college and has also lived in the city his whole life like girl use your damn brain he can get around by himself just fine. good god. like take five seconds to use your brain. literally adult man who lives by himself if nothing else that should tell you he is fine and when he needs assistance has the knowledge and ability to go get it you act as if he can't even walk on the sidewalk by himself. he literally shows up to work by himself. it drives me up the wall sometimes how she sees proof of him functioning fine independently literally witnesses it on the daily and still thinks these things. like again foggy isn't great either bc again the period typical ableism (and just general ableism in the world outside of this period as this is a common attitude of viewing disabled people as helpless and unable to function even if they are people who do live independently (and im not touching on people who do need extra support and caretaking in this context. as this post is about these characters in the context of a story. so im talking about what we see there instead of any truly meaningful nuanced way) but the writing here is like. Particularly this way due to the time) he has a modicum more of understanding that matt is literally a capable grown adult man. literally told karen matt is a big boy who can handle himself and then karen went b-b-but you forget he's blind as if foggy hasn't known him for years of his life and is his best friend like PLEASE SEE HIM AS AN ADULT. I AM GOING TO GO INSANE. PLEASE RESPECT HIM IF YOU LOVE HIM SO DEARLY. AND EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T. JUST RESPECT HIM AS A PERSON!!!!!!

#i think it's particularly maddening bc we have seen characters be able to understand civillian matt is like. more than just Blind Man.#i am always highly aware of period typical writing and can remember the context etc etc but sometimes.#sometimes it truly. truly does drive me up the wall. especially when other characters have been capable of not being That Level #of infantalizing. again foggy still isn't much better in a lot of respects he is just as capable of and has been as infantilizing #and insulting as karen has been. for sure. on multiple occassions. no questions asked. but i dont think he does it to the extent karen does #as in we dont see it on page just as much. it's just a bit less. so we see karen focus on it far more. to an almost exaggerated extent #part of that is the romance plot of ohhh i cannot possibly love a blind man while foggy is matt;s best friend of many years #so of course it will be in the way of the stan lee and old romance comics schools of writing that this goes down and is written like this.#of course we see her focus on it a touch more in a different way bc she's still getting to know matt and hasnt witnessed him #for about like a decade(? they met in undergrad right?) function on his own the way foggy has. but jesus christ man. good god.#at a certain point even with the period time context it does just still leave a bad taste. at certain points it becomes less eye roll #and far more maddening and hard to push down. bc it is gross. no matter what time period it is.#again. both of them are pretty disrespectful towards matt about it at this point even if mostly in their inner monologues or dialogues #with each other and not super to matt's face about it every time. but still. sometimes karen drives me far more crazy about it than foggy.#becase at least foggy can in fact recognize every now and then. matt is a perfectly capable grown man who can function and thrive.#and is someone who lives independently but also can know how to get assistance when needed.#while karen at this point has never really once given matt the benefit of that assumption despite witnessing his capabilities.#because even with his act of trying to fit the image ppl have of him. he still functions within that! and shows he can do things!#and ask for help when he needs it! even within his act of making himself smaller and quieter for others.#he's still like. adult man who lives his life. and does stuff on his own time.#i cant really speak about matt on any more deeper level than that in regards to his disabilities. i am not disabled.#i only speak as a reader and someone watching what these characters do and have proven to be able to do and how they act.#so i can only talk about karen and foggy's behaviors and attitudes in that regard.#and also as a person with like. basic understanding of other ppl living their lives. that all ppl live their own damn lives however it is #like most ppl on planet earth.#i apologize if any of my wording here is bad or if i dont talk on it well as none of this in the real world stuff is my lived experience #and you are free to go hey. incorrect. think about that or word that differently.#ok i promise im done now it's just. EUGH. UGH!!!!!#static.soundz

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tomwaterbabies · 2 months

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kind of blessed to have gotten into tts/vat7k After The Show Ended. the discourse would have driven me insane im sure. cassunzel is so real btw

#posting #ive glimpsed into people being absolutely fucking crazy about varian LOL #saying he should have been the main antagonist- that cass was irredeemable- etc etc #like yeah hes my favorite and i have issues with how they wrote the show #not exactly feeling like cass needs to be pushed aside for that tho. lol #kind of ties into how i dont like the whole... opposites attract thing with him and hugo #that was kind of cass and rapunzel's Whole Thing #theres nothing wrong with doing it again ig but. idk. it feels like focus is being taken away from the ladies #and their dynamic was SOOOO good. so good (even if the writing uh. faltered. at points)#and i say this as someone who Obviously has varigo as its favorite thing in the world forever

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goldkirk · 4 months

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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and (tw for murder/crime/killings) the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd

#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd #also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th #breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to #so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart #and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves #i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this #i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things #so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday #i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers #but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better #if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war #anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal #add to journal #words n rhythm #WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS #cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao #i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i #and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would #objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do #trauma evolution #mosswrites

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calamitys-child · 2 months

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How to take a rest day bc of brain fog and physical exhaustion without feeling the most emotionally wretched it's possible to ever be

#if im sitting around but i can write or draw or craft? good fine yes!#if im doing lots of low brain focus but physical tasks like laundry or going for a walk? excellent good okay #but im completely wiped out and i just feel like absolute fucking shit about it #i need to be doing things to stay sane and im completely incapable of fucking doing anything today #and taking a rest day is my only hope for getting to a point where im physically and mentally able again #but god its agony its horrible id rather pull out my beard one hair at a time

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atombonniebaby · 9 months

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Okay, but apparently, yesterday marked my 2yr autism diagnosis anniversary!

Needless to say...

I have embraced the fuck out of it!

Tumblr lets me share my favoritest little guy with other humans! I love you all!

There is a reason I like to take screenshots. (Note the mug warmer for all that coffee/tea I used to let go cold.)

All my Oversized 🙌🏻 COMFY🙌🏻 Tees ❤️

I'm also hanging with the cat (literally...I'm in a hammock chair!) - her name is Mia as she is a dick. (in an adoring way)

(Oh and it'll be 3yrs in October for the ADHD diagnosis...but I'll probably forget about that...so have an 'I didn't know I was ADHD' memory)

As you were...

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gentil-minou · 8 months

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Xiantober Day 12 - Falling

CQL | Modern | Reincarnation AU

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Yanli-jie recommended bungee jumping as a romantic and exciting date. It was supposed to be thrilling, give them an adrenaline rush they'd carry all the way home.

It wasn't supposed to go like this…

The bungee cord that was meant to be pulled taut by the force of gravity from his descent is loose and dangling in a U shape as their guides whisper among themselves

"Did you see him run? Wasn't his boyfriend all the way on the other side?"

"How did he even grab hold of him?"

"You talked to them earlier right? Weren't they both excited and ready? They seemed so into it…"

"Yeah…they definitely weren't crying like this…"

Their voices sound far, far away. A part of Wei Ying registers them, knows where he is. Knows who he is. But the other part…

He's a million miles away…no that's not quite right.

He's hundreds of years away, the empty and safe ravine he and Lan Zhan had driven to is gone, though he can't tell because he can't look down. But he can feel the burning heat as it sears through his clothes, turns his bones to ashes and rips him apart.

The standard issue helmet they gave him earlier might as well not be there at all. In fact, impossibly, he swears he can feel a scorching wind whipping his long hair around him, despite the fact he'd had a haircut just last month.

But he can't look away to check or take note of anything, because his eyes are glued to Lan Zhan's above him, where he's hanging over the edge of the cliff, is hand gripping Wei Ying's wrist tight enough it's like its like they're welded to each other.

And Lan Zhan is crying.

The tears pour uninhibited from his eyes, normally a honey brown but somehow tuned pure gold in the sunlight. His tears fall and fall, though he doesn't say anything. Jaw clenched tight and his arms trembling, he's like a man possessed. Or Wei Ying would think that way if it wasn't for the look of deep anguish that spills from him, shaking Wei Ying to his very core.

Even as Wei Ying is dangling above an abyss, all he can think about is his worry for Lan Zhan, for his zhiji.

The word pops into his head from no where, feeling right. Describes them perfectly.

A cloud passes overhead, revealing a dazzling sub that blinds him, making him squint, and suddenly his boyfriend's short hair is ten times longer, falling over his shoulder as he purses his lips. He's bleeding from his arm, wearing white instead of the jumpsuit their guide gave them.

But that's not right… something isn't right. Wei Ying feels like he's in two places at once. They both feel real, but how can that be possible?

Is he the grad student on a once in a life time trip with the love of his life, crossing off a bucket list item?

Or is he a pariah, letting go of the hatred and pain in his heart to find salvation, being held back by someone who knows him as well as he does, inside and out.

Why can't he figure out where he is? Who he is?

The words spill unbidden past his lips.

"Lan Zhan, let me go."

Lan Zhan's squeezes his grip, digging into his skin even as blood drips from his injured arm down into Wei Ying's palm. The sound of swords clashing mixes with concerned whispers of their workers trying to get near, except Lan Zhan won't let them, afraid to let anyone near.

"Lan Zhan…"

Lan Zhan purses his lips, the furrow between his brows deeper than any canyon. He shakes his head, once slowly, before more vigorously. Water leaks from his eyes to drop on Wei Ying’s cheek as he hangs there.

"Wei Ying, no…"

"Lan Zhan, you can't save me."

His mouth keeps opening of its own accord, as if the words Wei Ying says aren't even really his to begin with. Like they're following a script that's been written long ago.

But Lan Zhan doesn't listen. Even as the voice above keep shifting from battle cries to frenzied workers trying to keep everyone safe, Lan Zhan hold on his wrist remains firm

"Wei Ying will not fall again."

Something bursts inside Wei Ying's chest. He'd think it was his heart, except he can still hear it, drumming against his skull as tears fall from his eyes to drop into the endless chasm below.

He feels like he's been waiting a long time to hear those words.

His voice chokes between sobs, and he has to take a moment to speak with a clear voice. "Will Lan Zhan save me, this time?"

Lan Zhan must have gained purchase on the ledge somewhere else, anchoring himself to it, because his other arms comes around to grab Wei Ying near his elbow in a secure grip. He's gritting his teeth and trying to heft him up, a vein in his forehead giving away his exertion.

"I will save Wei Ying, every time." he says, a fire burning his eyes scorching anyone or anything that dares to disagree.

He drags him up, and Wei Ying just barely gets a glimpse of a pair of guides holding Lan Zhan's legs to keep him stable, muttering about needing new rules.

When his feet land on the ground, it feels solid beneath him in a way it never has before. Like he's finally reached clarity and peace for something that's been gnawing at him for generations.

The long hair is gone, and Lan Zhan's arm isn't bloody or injured. They're both wearing their jumpsuits as the breathe heavily, just sitting on that ledge watch each other.

Wei Ying remembers where he is again, the fog gone from his mind. But something feels...different. Something has been changed irreversibly, though he can't quite put his finger on what.

Their guides are trying to give them a lecture, but all of Wei Ying's attention is on Lan Zhan. Where the tears no longer fall but glisten in his eyes and his mouth curves up in the sweetest, happiest smile.

"Wei Ying. I saved you."

Wei Ying huffs a laugh. The joy in his heart doesn't feel like his…but at the same it feels like all ever had. Like it flows through his veins and lights up his center.

"Yeah, Lan Zhan. You did. You caught me."

He leans forward, presses a steady hand on Lan Zhan’s tear-stained cheek, and kisses him, letting the light and love he feels pour into him, their souls entwined and at peace.

(threadfic here)

#disclaimer please dont do anything like this if you are bungee jumping thanks #also i mentioned on twitter im probably gonna do less of these - only the ones i really like or have good ideas for #im starting to feel a bit burnt out and a tiny bit discouraged and i want to focus on my fics again #i miss them #i think 12 days is a pretty good streak though!!!#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #the untamed #cql #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #mdzs fanfiction #the untamed fanfiction #xiantober #mdzs musings #bushy writing

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