#I hate how they start talking like me

[princecoolkid]

I feel bad saying this, but sometimes I really miss when the fandom was smaller and I knew no one. I know without all the bullshit I wouldn't know the people I currently do and that's somewhat terrifying but at the same time I'm so fucking tired of feeling like a complete nothing yet like some people put me on this pedestal and some even resenting me for it.

#Like I actually hate how much people are quote unquote inspired by me #I hate how they start talking like me #Using the same mannerisms as me #Lowkey think I'm overhyped #I hate it #And it's hypocritical #I'm tired of feeling alone. #Thank you to the few people who make me feels less alone #But god it's just so fucking tiring having almost no one understand #Shoutout to my bestie not even in the fandom who sees this bs I go through and confirms its unfair #I always feel bad when I get upset or put off but I think at this point you really can't expect me to feel any other way when it is Constan #t #And there's like #so much other shit #I don't think people actually like Me #At all #There's shit that smaller creators get that I don't and I'm jealous of Them #But if I ever said that I know they'll throw my numbers at my face #And I almost don't blame them #I think I'm just craving genuine companionship and god #A community #I want a community I actually feel like I belong in #Sometimes I miss high school bc at the time it felt like I had that #but looking back on it honestly it was all fake and terrible and I was such an annoying piece of shit #At this point I'm just rambling sorry

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big. #the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort. #but it still feels like... #when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing. #they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly? #and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go) #and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW." #''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.'' #and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

[tshortik]

I love you messy artstyle i love you visible brush strokes I love you textures and rough edges I love you imperfections I love you roughness and colour blobs I love you scratchy sketches and bold stylisation and dirt and imperfections I love you ugly and raw emotion!!!!! ❤️

#i talk sometimes #art talk #i made a tweet like this on twatter ages ago but i've been feeling this a lot lately #also this is the start of me writing more on this blog and not only using it as art because who cares!! i don't!! #I wanna translate raw emotion into colors and shapes. I wanna know where to ignore all details and where to go ham you feel me? #i used to dream about developing a style like for MtG where it looked like a masterful oil painting that oozes realism and details #and i've realised the last two years or so that I would actually hate that for me. I know I wouldn't enjoy doing it. For myself. #it's that pipeline from wanting to be the perfect realistic wotc artist to accepting that I will never be that #instead i wanna learn how to stylise better and get a good brush economy going yknow. I wanna be bolder. #i doubt i'll ever be as incredible as all these MtG artists no matter what anyone says. but it's ok!! i don't have to be!!! #i just luv art man!!

[feluka]

"don't pretend you actually care about this you only heard about this cOnFlicT on october" have some respect do you have any idea how long we've been blocking this oxford comma guy

#in honor of him wojacking me just now. too tempted to respond to him but no. i have more self respect #also i fucking hate the 'you only heard about this recently' silencing tactic because #1- completely overlooks the populations that GREW UP with this cause #2- yeah i would very much rather it didn't take 30k deaths for people to start making noise but #if an average young person heard something on the news recently and thought to themselves #'oh dear this is such a travesty i need to learn more about this and how to help!' then good for them?? why is this a bad thing?? #again i'm talking about the average kid not. people like b*rnie s*nders who have been #supporting the occupation since forever and only decided 'oh no this is too much' after 30k deaths

[junotter]

Legitimately can't explain what caused me to get just get really into this hetaliaAU that exists solely in my brain but I couldn't stop

At first it was just imagining like a Japanese woman in kimono in like 19th century New York and then I started thinking about how amazing fem japan is and like then ameripan came in and now I'm like losing it

#amepan #ameripan #nyo japan #hws japan #hws america #hetalia #hetalia fanart #historical hetalia #my art #no one gets nyo japan like me (i hate “canon” nyo japan and will rebuild her to be a complex character) #i did start thinking about how epic nyo japan would be when learning that like super pre history japan #like women were religious and social leaders #theres also that one chinese record of the kingdom of wei #which to be clear historical accuracy of thst is unclear but it does seem to link to modern day japan #and in the record its like “the people here saw male rulers were causing problems so now only women rule” and theres princess himiko #ANYWAY i could talk about my decisions on why i think japan depicted as a woman is best but i wont here #also its embarrassing posting hetalia on my main #it ferls like i need a secret account #suggestive cw

[shima-draws]

Me: Hehe Sanlu!!!!

Fandom: Oh but Zoro? Where's Zoro? What about Zoro? Including Zoro in this. Adding Zoro here because. Zoro tho

Me: KICKING YOU IN THE SHINS STOP THAT

#NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ZOSAN!!! I'M BITING YOU!!!! #Some Zosan shippers out here are REALLY making me start to hate the ship #Bc they're everywhere. Like a fungus. I can't get rid of them #Remember that comic I drew where Luffy was flirting with Sanji and Nami was like :000000 #ALL of the IG comments were like '🤓 Ackshually he was talking about Zoro' SHUT UP. SHUT UP I'M GONNA GET YOU #Me: How could you all have misinterpreted it THIS badly. Luffy LITERALLY says how cute he thinks Sanji is #Me: AND Y'ALL THINK THIS IS A ZOSAN POST?? OUT. #Can't I just ship Sanlu in peace without Zosan shippers busting down my door #If you want Zosan there are THOUSANDS of artists out there drawing them RIGHT NOW. JUST FOR YOU!! #If you want me to draw Zosan you can pay me. :) #Shima speaks #One Piece #Hahhhh man. Curate your own fandom experience Shima...don't get drawn into the toxic circles Shima... #Sanlu #Lusan

[owari-no-suffering]

shoutout to lan wangji and luo binghe for being endlessly tormented by their love interests' mixed signals, reaching their breaking point, and then proceeding to never be normal about their (always reciprocated) crushes (turned husbands) ever again.

#like obviously binghe and wangji are not on the same level. but they're certainly not opposites! #just got to wangxian's first kiss and like. #if my silly gay crush showered me in flowers and pointed out how pretty i was and always hung around me. #but then was like ''wow i love talking to boys don't you love talking to boys S?" #i would also be driven so insane as to just start punching trees #lan wangji epitome of control being pushed past his breaking point and hating himself for it . . . you are so dear to me #luo binghe driven absolutely batshit bonkers by his shizun who cares deeply for him and fears (or used to fear) the idea of him . . . #mm yes i'm connecting the dots. mxtx has a flavour she likes. i see i see #TBD on whether hualian fits into this nonsense at all but from what i've heard: not really #mdzs #rzfzx #svsss #scum villian self saving system #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #wangxian #bingqiu

[cuoredimuschio]

okay, but where's my steddie AU where steve wants to learn to play guitar to impress a girl he's infatuated with and he remembers that munson kid was always hanging up posters for his weird band at school, so he hikes out to eddie's usual dealing spot behind the track and asks (with far less groveling than he really should have) if eddie will teach him how to play, and obviously eddie says no because why would he want to help king steve, but of course, steve offers to pay him, $20 a week, and well, that's the kind of get-the-hell-out-of-this-shithole-town cash eddie really can't afford to refuse, so fine, he'll teach steve to play and they'll spend inordinate amounts of time together tucked away in eddie's room and they'll start to see that they have more in common than they thought and that they kind of had each other all wrong, and eddie will put his hand over steve's to help him get the placement for a tricky chord and it totally won't awaken anything in either of them?? where is it??

edit: i started writing it

#steve x eddie #steddie #stranger things #someone tell me this has already been written because i need it. please. #bonus points if steve shows up to the first practice session empty-handed #and eddie nearly calls the whole thing off when he has the Audacity to grab at eddie's sweetheart as if eddie'd ever let him play her #and he doesn't even teach steve anything that day because rule number one get your own fucking guitar and keep your mitts off mine #but by the end when eddie is deep deep deep in love and it's time to send steve off to woo this lucky girl of his #he offers to let steve take his sweetheart because she's guaranteed to make him look ten times hotter and cooler #and he'll have no trouble sweeping his girl off her feet and maybe eddie's breaking his own heart but it's fine—as long as steve's happy #except steve doesn't seem nearly as happy as eddie thought he would be #he seems sad actually and eddie kind of hates that so he starts to make some lame joke about how steve should be honored #because eddie wouldn't lend his baby out to just anyone and that gets steve to crack half a smile #but then he puts the guitar down on eddie's bed (with all due gentle reverence) walks over takes eddie's face in his hands and kisses him #kisses him like he's been dying to do it for weeks. because he has #because somewhere along the line it stopped being about wanting to impress a girl and started being about wanting to be with eddie #it started being screwing up on purpose so that eddie would grab his hands and show him how it's supposed to be done #and forgetting about lessons entirely and just sitting around and listening to eddie talk or just watching him play #because somewhere along the line steve fell out of infatuation and into love with the last person he ever expected.... #anyway idk where i'm going with this

[kazumahashimoto]

you're colder than i remember

#that's right everybody xander's drawing zack angeal hug again #this time with lazard!!!!! #like man. Man. you've already been seeing your mentor's cold dead face on all these monsters and then his corpse starts walking around #talking about how he's been trying to find you and how he used to crave revenge but now he just wants to protect you #because literally to the core of who angeal is he loves zack. to the point that it bleeds into his clones. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! #AND ZACK HAS TO WATCH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM DIE. EVERY ANGEAL IS DESTINED TO ROT AT HIS FEET. #BECAUSE ANGEAL LOVES HIM. I FEEL SICK #did you let me die in your arms in the timeloop esque #GRRRAAAYUYUYHGHYUHHYYHH I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T STAND THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they mean everything to me. #ff #ff7 #ffvii #zack fair #angeal hewley #zack #angeal #hh art #lazard deusericus #ALSO APPARENTLY LAZARD'S NAME MEANS GOD HELP HIM? DEAR CHRIST? HELLO?

[crime-wives]

i don’t understand how people don’t ship swan queen. like… enemies to reluctant friends, to co-parents, to lovers. it could have been everything. all of that gay yearning. how do people not see it??? also blonde x brunette lesbian romances >>>>>

#don’t even get me started on the tension in s1 #‘how to get the savior to taste my forbidden fruit’ i mean come on #no hate to other ships but like… #also that slow-zoom in s3 #you know the one i’m talking about #they could’ve been everything #regina mills #emma swan #swan queen #ouat

[lobotomyladylives]

was watching some plastic surgery critical stuff and now every ad I get on youtube is for fucking juvaderm or botox...how is this algorithm so incompetent that it thinks me watching a video about celebrities awful fillers & buccal fat removal is a sign that I'm interested in paying to have these butchers ruin MY face too

#i hate how normalized all this has become. my friend started botox this year at 26 & i just ...hate it #her face is fucking frozen she cant make expressions its total uncanny valley shit #she was so pretty before and now she freaks me out #i wish shed at least done minimal botox just on her (barely existent) frown lines like she initially planned but the #demon injector talked her doing like a gazillion units

[avocadoraisin]

Hoff....

#war flashbacks to me talking about how much i hated him to my friend only to start wailing in fear as i felt the love brewing deep inside me #also yea i know i drew him w blood on his face like three days ago but im not sorry and it Will happen again #mark hoffman #saw #sawposting #saw art #saw franchise #drawing

[ganondoodle]

not meant as a direct call out to anyone but sicne it happened a few times in a row now

i dont ... like ... my work being tagged as 'zelink', i do not draw this ship, i have no problem with others shipping it but i personally cannot stand it (i love them as a brotp) and just because i put them both in a drawing when im doing some totk rewritten concepts it doesnt mean its meant as the ship :/

#ganondoodles talks #again im not trying to start discourse or whatever #i just dont like some of my work being tagged with a ship that isnt intented nor liked by me #i know some people use the ship name to also mean it as brotp kinda thing but usually it isnt #im one of those rare (?) people that desperately craves them as a brotp #but you can guess how many people see it as that lol #AGAIN im not trying to hate on anyone who likes it #i just dont #and it feels weird seeing that label on my art

[quatregats]

They love each other so much <3

#they're literally married they're so codependent and i'm so happy for them #yes i did start reading commodore don't talk to me i'm in my being unwell about hornblower era #hated the start of that book <3 he's back up to his usual antics (putting up façades and being ungenuine) #wish that forester could understand that whatever he's doing with bush and hornblower is how you write a meaningful relationship #and not just being like 'wow they love each other wow look at that they're married' #barbara and hornblower were kind of fun in beat to quarters but he quickly killed in the first chapter of this book #this passage on the other hand? this is hornblower actually expressing that he loves a person (in whatever sense you want) #anyways i hate him but this was very sweet <3 #perce rambles #hornblower #also hornblower being mean as love language. love it when authors just drop tidbits like that

[solarpunkani]

I think one thing I struggle with when it comes to wanting to write Solarpunk stories is like

I like writing conflicts. But I don’t know how to write large conflicts—so something like ‘dismantling the government to install a solarpunk society in its place’ is way too big of a fish for me to fry

But also small conflicts just don’t do it for me. I just can’t stay entertained with them long enough. So something like ‘little Maisy lost her favorite doll and its up to her older brother to find it. Oh btw they live in a solarpunk society’ wouldn’t get past like one page if I tried it

But how fantastical can one get before a society is no longer solarpunk but just… fantasy? How far out of the realm of reality can you get before it just seems hollow? But how close can you stay? How much conflict can you have before your hopeful vision of a solarpunk future is no longer hopeful and no longer solarpunk? How big of an issue can you create in a solarpunk society, what kind, while still keeping it solarpunk? While still having a problem that can’t just be handwaved with ‘that wouldn’t happen in solarpunk’?

And of course logically I know the answer is different for everyone. But like. Still. How derivative can you get, how much conflict can you add, before a story intended to be solarpunk just becomes ‘random urban fantasy but with round roofs stained glass and a lot more greenhouses?’

#out of queue #ani rambles #anyways if anyones wondering why I haven’t talked about my solarpunk zombie fic in awhile its because of this #this is also related to previous rants I had about struggling to draw solarpunk art #like yes I could make an AU of my ocs but also their whole thing is being superheroes in a city that hates their civillian personas #how derivative can I get before those are just. not the OCs I love anymore #how much can that stick before me trying to make a solarpunk au is just drawing round windows and pretty flowers while major bullying occurs #dont even get me started on how impossible itd be to solarpunkify my fantasy medieval catpeople ensemble #may delete later

[christiangeistdorfer]

GILLES VILLENEUVE & DIDIER PIRONI during practice for the 1981 AUSTRIAN GRAND PRIX

#i was going to talk abt their relationship and how didier looks at gilles with so much awe. like he is his hero. #like seeing them together always makes me sad #and how their story has become almost like a novel from how dumb people are trying to portray it #and i just hate how didier is always made out to be the bad guys when really it ferrari who are evil and probably pushed gilles over the ed #but also gilles' hairline. i love how he's starting to bald. #gilles villeneuve #didier pironi #f1 #classic f1 #1980s