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pinky-the-elephant-room · 4 years

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A girl with a crush

AN: I wrote this prompt for @liliesoftherain to show my love since she recently got into Haikyuu and she has a thing for blond tsunderes. Phfft. It’s sort of a fast moving one shot (6k) but since I dont love lilie enough to write her an ongoing slow burn story this will have to do. Credits to lilie for making this banner she has become competent at making them. Just a heads up for those who don’t know I’m a BNHA blog that does regular prompts for that anime, this is the few exceptions I do every now and then. Also sorry if Tsukki might be occ? I haven’t watched all of Haikyuu! yet so *bows apologetically* Though my friend said he wasn’t so you guys let me know if he was.

Warning: Explicit smut with a bit of degradation and sort of dub con?

Pairing: Tsukishima Kei x Fem reader

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It started off so simple. Every person who’s ever had a crush would tell you that having your crush talk to you makes you feel like you’re on top of the world. What they don’t tell you is that adrenaline and happiness can become addictive. I had started my first year of high school in class 1-4 when I noticed him, he was exactly my type. Tall with blond hair and glasses to match, I’ve always been attracted to the smart guys. And he was one of the top students in that class. When sensei took roll, I learned his name, Tsukishima Kei. I didn’t have a crush on him right away. He was just a good-looking guy I noticed in my class and that’s it. I had more important things to worry about like class 1-4 and how hard it was due to it being a college preparatory class.

A few weeks in we were assigned a project for English, we had to present a project on how Japan could improve their English comprehension. Lo and behold my partner was Tsukishima.

“If you’re not going to do your part tell me now so I don’t waste my time,” he had said to me as soon as class ended.

I immediately bristled because I was a relatively hard-working person.

“Don’t worry I’ll do my part.” I replied. He seemed skeptical but nodded.

“Meet me at the public library near our school,” he told me before dismissing me.

Afterschool he arrived a few mins after I did with a plain black-haired guy that was in our class. I recognized Yamaguchi from the fact that they were always together. Apparently, they even joined the volleyball club at the same time.

I just raised my eyebrow at Yamaguchi as he joined their table before getting homework out and started working on it. I ignored him, and I pulled out paper so we could get the basics jotted down.

You’d think I would be happy getting to work with a handsome guy, right? Nope! Immediately the condescending comments started right away. None of my notes and the research I had started on was good enough. None of my ideas reached his standards.

“Did you even fact check this?” Tsukishima asked as he slid my paper back to me.

I glared at him. “Of course, I did!”

He didn’t even look at me as he started to write on his own paper.

“Second sentence paragraph 3. You didn’t even cite plus the statistic is wrong.”

I was about to explode when I glanced at the paper. I grumbled realizing the arrogant boy was right.

Yamaguchi snickered under his breath. I swiveled my head towards him as he continued to diligently work on his homework like he wasn’t just laughing at me.

I gripped my pencil tightly. ‘Calm down. It’s just a few more hours. You need a good grade in English to start off the year strong.’

By the end of their study session I couldn’t believe I actually thought the boy was cute. He might be handsome, but his personality was utter crap. His snide comments had continued throughout the session and drove me nuts. I had never wanted to physically hurt someone as bad as him. God help whoever the guy dated.

I just tossed my papers and stationery in my bookbag in a hurry to get out of here.

Just as I was about to leave, I heard Yamaguchi and Tsukishima approaching and talking.

“Tsukki, let’s go grab a snack before going home,” Yamaguchi said to the blonde.

I couldn’t help but snort and snicker at the nickname.

Both boys turned to me in surprise. Tsukishima narrowed his eyes at me and asked, “what’s so funny?”

I shrugged. “Nothing, I just think it’s weird that a boy like you has such a cute nickname.”

Tsukishima frowned severely at me. Before he could say anything more, I cheerfully skipped off, glad to have finally gotten under his skin.

A week later, the presentation for English went well. We both earned a good grade. It was time for gym as all the girls changed into their gym uniforms in the classroom. We then went outside in the hot sun to start exercising.

I leisurely started running, doing it at my own pace rather than running all at once and depleting my stamina. I noticed someone running beside me and it was Tsukishima. It wasn’t fair how athletic he was, he wasn’t even sweating or huffing like I was.

“You know,” I began, “I never would have pegged you for a guy who plays volleyball.”

He looked surprised at me like he just noticed I was there.

I scowled.

“For a guy like you I would have suspected something like basketball.”

He glared at me. “Well, you aren’t exactly very perspective, are you? After all you were no help on our project. So, idiot’s opinions don’t count.”

My mouth dropped at his audacity. He smirked at me, liking my outraged reaction.

“Excuse me? I earned that grade just like you! If anyone’s opinion doesn’t matter it’s yours because you’re just an arrogant, hateful asshole!” I spat at him before increasing my speed and running off.

From there we would continue to have petty disagreements within the classrooms and sometimes outside of it. All the while Yamaguchi would stand there like a spectator watching us go back and forth. Until one afternoon I stayed behind to talk to a teacher and asked them about my grades. The sky had darkened by the time I was ready to go home. Most of the school emptied and even worse heavy rain clouds moved in and it started raining heavily. I sighed as I checked my backpack for the third time looking for that umbrella, I swore I packed. The classroom door suddenly slid open startling the hell out of me. Tsukishima walked in and stopped dead at the sight of me.

“What are you still doing here?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes in annoyance and huffed. I so didn’t need this right now.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I misplaced my umbrella so I’m waiting for the rain to slow down.”

Tsukishima grabbed his glasses’ case from his desk and started to leave.

“You’re right it’s not my business.” Just as he was about to close the door. “You might want to leave the classroom they’re going to lock the doors.”

I cursed under my breath and started heading for the front of the school. I can just wait there for the rain to stop. Changing out of school slippers into my outdoor shoes, I made my way to the front door.

I noticed Tsukishima still waiting outside.

“Do you not have an umbrella either?” I asked. Even if it was him it would be nice to have some company while I waited. It was getting really dark outside and it kind of scared me to be here alone.

He shook his head and pulled out a dark umbrella from his own bag. I swallowed back a gulp, knowing that I would be here all alone.

Tsukishima unfurled the umbrella and snapped it open. He turned back to me and offered me the umbrella.

I just stared in astonishment.

“Here! Don’t just stand there like an idiot!” He snapped at me.

I took it hesitantly.

“But what about you? Aren’t you going to get wet?”

“I have another one in the gym locker room.”

I looked at my phone and noticed it was getting really late.

“I’m sorry I really have to catch the bus now. I’m going to be late! I’ll return this to you tomorrow.” I said with a huge smile.

He nodded at me and pushed his glasses back up.

I started leaving, feeling my cheeks heat up and heart beat faster as I gripped Tsukishima’s umbrella tighter.

And that was how my crush had started. With that one small act of kindness.

After that umbrella incident, I wanted to talk to him more and more. The intense meanspirited conversations had instead turned into lighthearted teasing. Well, more playful teasing on my part, he still called me an idiot. It was such a rush to have all of his attention on me. Even if it was for a few minutes, even if it meant that he was insulting me. It was official I had a crush on Tsukishima.

I sat during lunch with a faraway look on my face. All the girls in the class had bunched up their desks and we ate together.

“Y/N, what’s wrong with you today? Aren’t you hungry?” A girl named Momo asked.

I looked down at my bento and it was untouched, still full to the brim.

“You guys know Tsukishima in our class right..?” I began hesitantly.

A girl across from me who went by the name of Sana smiled. “You like him, don’t you?”

I blushed and nodded. “Am I that obvious?”

She shrugged. “Not really, but every girl who meets him has a crush until he opens his mouth. Then they get over it. I went to the same middle school as him and even shared classes together. A lot of girls liked him, but he’s how do you say this delicately?”

“An asshole?” Momo said wryly.

“No, he’s a classic anime example of a tsundere.”

I giggled, that was spot on.

“But the thing about tsunderes is that they’re great in anime. But not in real life. Dealing with them can be exhausting.” Sana warned.

My smile dropped and I quietly replied, “I know I’m not looking to confess or anything. I just like talking to him.”

Momo shot a look of warning to Sana who just stuck her tongue back at her.

“Well, if you need advice you know that we are here for you.”

I nodded, feeling a pit of sadness within myself. Thinking I might just be hungry, I picked up my chopsticks and dug into my lunch.

And I kept my word months after that conversation. I never confessed to him. I did continue to talk to him more like tease, but it was the only way I knew how to get his attention. The exhilarating feeling, I got every time I was near him made me feel like an addict and I loved it. But then something weird started happening that ruined everything.

I knew that Tsukishima was part of the volleyball team, but I had never seen them in action. So, I had dragged a few of the other girls to see them practice. We came into the gym to see the practice already in full swing. The two girls who stood in the gym seemed like managers and looked at us curiously when we entered. I bowed to them in greeting before taking a seat on the bleachers.

Though, I had never seen a volleyball game and I didn’t even know the rules. It was easy to see the boys were really talented and the way they jumped up to serve the ball was really cool. A whistle sounded and all the boys relaxed. Tsukishima turned around and I saw his eyes widened when he saw me on the bleachers.

“Tsukishima! I came to see you play!” I hollered as I cupped my hands.

Several of his teammates turned around to see who was yelling and shot me weird looks.

“Tsukishima, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”

Tsukishima coughed into his hands a few times. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know who she is. I have never met her in my life. Let’s restart practice,” he said in what he hoped was a calm voice, but his red ears gave him away.

Several of the girls hearing that started grumbling at his rudeness. Yamaguchi was at least nice enough to wave at them and they all waved back in return.

I grinned knowing that I had made a dent in his composure. I did my best to cheer for him each time he did anything even as mundane to stop and tie his shoes. I could tell by the tenseness of his shoulders how close he was to exploding.

Eventually the whistle sounded, and practice was over. Tsukishima rushed off to the locker room and returned in record time, changed and with his gym bag.

“What do you think you're doing here,” he hissed.

I smiled mischievously. “I’m here to see you play, silly. I want to support my classmate.”

“I don’t want or need your support. Your annoying voice made me lose concentration and I have never played so bad in my life. Go study instead and maybe put that brain to use for once.”

He glared at me furiously and walked away in a way that almost looked like stomping. But it wasn’t because Tsukishima doesn’t stomp right?

I grinned manically at his reaction. Oh, how I wished I could do this every day, but that would be tempting fate too much.

“Y/N, I swear you’re a masochist even though he’s so mean you still like him. It’s like you egg him on purpose,” Momo interjected from behind me.

She stopped, seeing my creepy smile.

“You like him insulting you. Don’t you?”

I protested vehemently and shook my head.

“It turns on you doesn’t it?” she asked again with a devious grin.

I spluttered as my face turned red and I almost felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Sana patted my back a few times as I calmed down and glared at Momo who put up her hands and shrugged.

Eventually we all left the gym and went out for some ice cream before heading home.

But what Momo said that day wouldn’t leave my head because I was messing with him for his attention right? It’s not like I wanted to be called names. There’s just no way. If you think about it logically every time someone else called me rude names, I responded back just as rudely. It doesn’t excite me. I shook my head and laughed. Yup, there was just no way.

However, the possibility just wouldn’t leave me as the more I teased and the more he responded back rudely, the redder I would become. It even got to the point where Tsukishima himself could tell there was something going on with me.

“What’s going on with you? Not that I care but you’re acting weirder than you usually do,” he asked bluntly when I bumped into him in the hallway.

I laughed nervously. “I’m not sure what you mean. I’m acting like I usually do.”

He stared at me for a moment. “You mean like the moron you are?”

Immediately, my heart started racing and my face started turning red.

Tsukishima just watched me incredulously as my body reacted to his words which caused me to blush even harder.

“I have to go.” I yelped as I basically ran away.

It was after this incidence I realized Tsukishima knew I liked him. Or I suspected he did because after that every time I tried to tease him like I usually do, he just wouldn’t respond with anger like he usually would. In fact, he kept giving me weird looks. There was even one time where I passed both Yamaguchi and him on the way home. I greeted them both, but only Yamaguchi would respond, and Tsukishima pretended like I wasn’t even there. Hell, he probably even knew about my weird penchant for liking his insults. So, eventually with a heavy heart I left him alone. Afterall, if someone doesn’t like you then you can’t force them to like you back.

Still, when I think about this incidence years later it makes me mad. Because its not like I confessed to him or pursued him. In fact, most people would say I wasn’t even that obvious. Yet, he couldn’t be mature enough to handle a girl who liked him.

-Time Skip-

It was years later that I realized that what my friend Momo had said then was true. It took some experimenting and soul searching to discern that yes, I had particular tastes, but it didn’t make me weird or a disgusting person. In fact, it was healthy and natural, something that I took great pleasure in exploring after I graduated high school.

I waited in line at Starbucks for my latte, I was usually here early in the morning. My name was called up before I grabbed my drink and settled in a booth. Like I said I’m here most mornings, reviewing for my classes before they started. Nursing classes in college were no joke if you miss even one day you’re likely to get behind and fail.

Just as I was about to open my textbook and get started, someone dumped their bookbag in the seat in front of me.

I looked up. “Excuse me, this booth is-“

I choked on my own words when I realized I was looking at Tsukishima. Even years later he was still handsome as ever, he even looked taller. He was still wearing glasses and was dressed casually.

“This booth is what? It looks empty unless you’re waiting for someone?”

I shook my head. He slid in the booth in front of me.

“H-how you been? Long time no s-see,” I said.

God, this was awkward how the hell do you talk to someone who purposely ignored you in high school after they found about your crush?

He shrugged. “Can’t complain. College and volleyball keeps me busy.”

I looked at him in surprise. “You still play?”

He took a sip of his coffee and nodded in affirmation. “I’ve seen you in this coffee shop a few times. So, I guess you go to that college nearby.”

The two of us got into a discussion of how I was going into a master’s nursing program after graduation and how he was going to work in a museum afterwards. It was hard to believe this was the same guy who would regularly argue with me in high school. The same guy who would respond to my jokes with insults. He seemed so relaxed and he had even smirked at some of the nonsense I had rambled on about. It seemed like the baggage that weighed on him back then was something that he resolved. He looked like he was in a better place than the boy I knew in high school.

Soon, I had to leave for my class and I almost gave him my number. I shook my head; this wasn’t the time to relive childhood crushes. I had moved on and I was better for it. So, with that in mind I made my way to my morning class. However, imagine my surprise when he continued to show up in that coffee shop every morning and chat with me. He had his bookbag with him, but he never attempted to do work like I would. And neither would I get any work done with him there. But I never had the heart to tell him to go away or even find somewhere else to study. I was there every morning diligently.

Weeks turned into months and we continued to still meet. Not everything about him changed though. He still sometimes responded with annoyance, however this time the insults were tinged with a bit of affection that I couldn’t help but notice. It made my heart pound and made me feel like a schoolgirl once more. I tried not to get my hopes up high, you’d think I would have learned from last time. But there was just something about him that made me helpless. Plus, the fact after a couple of months he had taken me out to restaurants and the movies a couple times, gave me hope that maybe this time it was different. It all became clear when he invited me out for karaoke with his other friends.

I had dressed up in a pretty, floral summer dress with natural makeup and some flats. I tried to look good but casual, I didn’t want him to get any ideas. I walked up to the karaoke bar that we were supposed to meet up at and was surprised to see him standing there with Yamaguchi.

I hadn’t seen Yamaguchi in a while, and he looked great as well. He seemed shocked to see me and, in my excitement, I gave him a tight hug. He blushed and returned it a bit awkwardly.

I turned to Tsukishima and greeted him. He seemed annoyed for some reason. Tsukishima quickly started introducing the whole group. There were a few other girls and guys I didn’t recognize and apparently, they were all from his college. I greeted them and bowed my head a little.

They all started to go in the bar, and I was too when Tsukishima grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.

“I forgot to tell you. You look nice,” he murmured as he looked at me from top to bottom.

I felt my cheeks heat up and mumbled “thanks.” I felt him squeeze my hand before letting go.

“You coming?” He kept the door opened for me and let me in. We walked together to the reserved karaoke room side by side; my shoulders kept brushing up against his. I felt the heat from his body and his hands secure me around my waist before we arrived at the room. The small karaoke room seemed cramped from all the people, but he pulled me next to him in a seat in the corner.

Before long everyone was singing, eating snacks, and drinking beer. I was about to ask him to sing with me for the next round when a red-haired girl came to sit on the other side of Tsukishima. She hogged his attention for the next hour. She kept touching his hands and leaning over to talk to him. Tsukishima for his part seemed ok with the attention and indulged her, leaving me in the corner just sipping beer. I felt like crying just when everything seemed ok and he appeared to be interested, reality came and slapped me in the face. I wanted to leave right away, but I couldn’t without being rude. So, I sat there in the corner watching everyone sing and have a good time, while the girl and him sat so close together she was basically on his lap.

When she let out a loud laugh and planted a kiss on his cheek, I finally lost it. My eyes clouded with tears and I stood up abruptly. Tsukishima seemed startled and pushed her off him.

“Thanks for inviting me, but I have to go. I don’t feel so good. Excuse me,” I said while gathering my phone and purse.

I left quickly and wiped the tears from my eyes on the way out. I sniffled a few times on the street as I figured out if I wanted to grab a taxi or walk to the nearest train station.

“Y/N!” I heard someone called out my name.

I looked back to see Tsukishima making his way to me. Not wanting him to convince me to come back and watch as he flirted with another woman, I hiked up my dress and speed walked away from the bar. Unfortunately for me his longer legs meant he caught up to me in no time and grabbed my hand.

“Why are you leaving?” he asked.

I shifted my eyes nervously, not looking him in the eye.

“I felt nauseous and kind of dizzy, so I thought I should go home to rest,” I lied as I felt my hands get sweaty.

“Ok, let’s go.” Tsukishima grabbed my hands and started pulling me towards the street.

“What’re you doing?” I tried to pull my hands back from his tight grip.

“Making sure you get home safely. I can’t let you go like this by yourself.”

He hailed a taxi and made sure I was settled in the backseat before he let himself in from the other door. Apparently, he was serious about this enough to accompany me home.

“Tell the driver your address,” he said as he nudged me from my shock. I mumbled the address of my apartment and rested my head against the car’s cool glass window. I really didn’t want to be near Tsukishima right now, a man that’s rejected me twice. So, I ignored him and pretended to rest the entire way there.

Tsukishima paid the driver as I frankly refused to pay as it was his idea to get a taxi and I let myself out. I heard another door slam and watched as the taxi drove away without Tsukishima in it.

“What do you think you’re doing? I’m home now so you can go back to karaoke.”

He smirked. “Well, see you rushed off in such a hurry that I didn’t even get to eat properly. So, I think you should invite me in and repay me with coffee.”

I gritted my teeth. “I have no coffee in my apartment right now so please go away.”

“You drink coffee multiple times per day. I’m pretty sure a coffee maniac like you has some in your apartment,” he said as he walked off towards my apartment.

“Now where are you going! You don’t even know which apartment it is!” I huffed as I rushed to catch up with him.

“You told the driver 206, right?”

I cursed my idiotic self; I should have just taken the train. I caught up to him a few minutes later and found him waiting at my door. He looked at me like I was the stupid one for walking so slow.

I glared at him and opened the door. Tsukishima invited himself in and was at least polite enough to remove his shoes before making himself at home.

I sighed knowing that he wasn’t going to go away anytime soon so I might as well just give him his coffee and send him on his way.

Just as I was about to go into the kitchen, he grabbed me again and held me against his chest. His hand let go of mine and traveled down to my waist. He held it tightly enough so even when I was trying to push him away, he wouldn’t budge.

“You want to tell me why you left in such a hurry? The truth this time.”

I huffed angrily.

“Can you let go? I need to make coffee so you can leave my apartment!”

Tsukishima tilted my face up so he can look me in the eyes. “The truth, Y/N.”

I grinded my teeth together and pushed against him. “I told you the truth already. Can you give me some space?”

I smacked his hand from my face away. “In fact, you can stop touching me so familiarly we are not together!” I yelled and gained more confidence. “You can go back to karaoke and talk to that lovely girl. It’s obvious that’s what you wanna do. I’m not sure what you’re doing here.”

That last part was said with more bitterness than I intended. I looked up at him to see him watching me carefully like he was trying to figure something out. Tsukishima smiled slowly and it made me wary. He’s never smiled at me like that before. In fact, he’s only ever smirked or scowled in my presence before.

“I never thought I would see the day that moron’s advice on women actually work out.”

I scowled at him. Now what was he talking about? I was this close to biting his hand so he would let go.

“That’s it! I’ve had enough of you for one day. You need to leave right now.” I pointed at the door.

Of course, being Tsukishima, he completely ignored me and touched my cheek. I was dumbstruck and could only watch as his face got nearer, and our lips connected.

My eyes fluttered close as I desperately responded and rested my hands on his shoulder. I had to be on my toes to reach his height still it wasn’t enough as he had to bend the rest of the way to connect.

Panting harshly, I could barely get out “bedroom” before he kissed me again.

Tsukishima picked me up bridal style like I weighed nothing as I pointed out where my bedroom actually was.

I found a particularly sensitive spot right below his ear when I started kissing his neck as he held me. The hitch of his breath made me grin. I bit down gently and sucked harshly before letting go, leaving behind a large bruise. I smirked triumphantly, hoping that the red-haired girl who flirted with him earlier saw it sooner or later.

Tsukishima put me down and touched the dampened area where I had left my mark. He raised his eyebrow as if to say ‘really?’

“Take your clothes off, Y/N” he said as he leisurely took a seat on my bed.

I blushed and shakily started to pull my dress over my head. I threw the dress over to the side and awkwardly wrapped my hands around my midsection. I watched his eyes turn dark as he greedily looked at my exposed curves.

He held out his hand to me and I took it and was pulled into his lap. He kissed me and I opened my mouth to deepen the kiss. I felt his hand messing with the back of my bra and I felt it loosen and tugged off my arms. His warm hands squeezed my breasts and I groaned into the kiss.

He abruptly ended the kiss and started kissing the tops of my breasts with reverence.

“I didn’t know that girl. She’s Yamaguchi’s friend. I used her to make you jealous.” Tsukishima lightly pinched one breast before taking the other in his mouth.

I tugged his hair, pushing him into my cleavage further. If I wasn’t so numb with pleasure, I would have smacked him a few times.

“A-ahhh ah, you made me cry, asshole,” I whimpered out. He let the right one go before moving onto the left one. He swirled and sucked it thoroughly like a newborn.

“I’m not sorry. It got me into your bed didn’t it? I’ve tried for months and I got nowhere. Had to give you a push,” he mumbled into my chest as he left a trail of hickies in his wake before kissing me again.

Grabbing a fistful of his hair, I pulled as hard as I could to punish him. He only groaned in return and grinded into my center. That quickly backfired as I was left wanting and desperate for friction. I rutted back against him, trying to feel his harden member in his jeans against my damp center.

Tsukishima settled me on top of the bed as he quickly removed his own clothes and removed his glasses. He trapped my hands above my head and settled in nicely between my thighs.

“You think I don’t know how much you want me? I bet you stayed up late at night, fantasying about how much you wanted me to use you like the dirty whore you are,” he whispered huskily in my ear.

My eyes widened and my face became covered in red splotches.

“H-how did you know that I like-“

Tsukishima scoffed. “It was obvious with how you tried to rile me up each time. You still haven’t changed from high school, have you?”

He took his member and lined up against my center.

“I don’t usually like to cuss; I can easily tear someone apart without being uncouth. But if you’re a good girl while I get mine. I’ll reconsider it.” He pecked my lips before withdrawing.

Tsukishima grabbed my hips and held me, while he drove his cock inside, not waiting for me to get accustomed to his size.

I tried to twist my hands out of his hold, instead he tightened it and drove his thrusts even harder as punishment.

He was tearing me apart, clearly, he was chasing his own pleasure as he disregarded everything even my own feelings as he wouldn’t even kiss me.

Feeling my juices gush out he couldn’t help but remark. “Heh, look at you. You’re loving this right now.”

My body shuddered as the harsh treatment excited me further and further, but I just needed something else to cross that threshold.

Tsukishima’s thrusts started losing their rhythm and became sloppier and sloppier.

He let go of my hands and pulled me closer. “Y/N, say my name,” he panted out desperately.

“T-tsukishima..” I choked out.

“No, call me Kei. I’m so close.”

He rested his head on top of my shoulder as he got closer and closer. I threaded my fingers through his sweaty, blond hair.

“Let go, Kei. I got you,” I whispered as he groaned from the pleasure. His warm cum painted my insides and his member twitched several times inside before Tsukishima finally collapsed on top of me.

He laid there on top for several minutes, but I couldn’t help but think was that it? Because I was still drenched and needy.

When he finally got off and noticed my stricken face, Tsukishima got incredibly smug.

“Should I give you what you need? Were you a good girl?”

I took his hand and put it where I needed it. “God damn it! Either get to work or I’ll finish on my own.”

Immediately his face grew fierce and scowled. I gulped. He kissed me harshly and dominated the kiss. I could only helplessly hang on as he once again took what he wanted and punished me.

“If only I could have done that when we were younger to shut you up. It would have made my life easier,” he growled.

My eyes widened when he spread my legs out and settled in between. I jumped up when I felt his warm breath on my wet entrance.

It felt like hours, but he spent a long time licking and teasing me as my walls clenched around his fingers. Each time I was close to finally reaching my climax, he would pull away and stop completely. I was beyond frustrated with him. With the shitty day I had because of him I deserved better, but apparently he didn’t agree with that sentiment. I eventually started begging him, sobbing to let me cum only for him to pull his hand away from my clit.

He sat up and I looked at him through my tear-filled eyes.

“You look pretty like this. Crying and helpless underneath me. It suits you,” he said as he wiped my tears away.

He palmed his once again hard member and I watched with abated breath. Finally.

Tsukishima grabbed my leg and threw it over his shoulder before driving his cock into me. I keened with pleasure as he set a harsh pace that was better than the first. With the angle he was able to hit all the spots I desperately needed him to. He whispered filthy sentiments as he owned and possessed me physically from below.

It was all too much; I was too wound up and soon enough I was cumming all over his penetrating member.

Tsukishima didn’t slow down and kept his fast thrusts as he helped me ride out the orgasm.

“Think you got another one in you?” he rasped out. I let out a low moan when I registered what he was asking of me. I wasn’t sure I never came twice with anyone else.

His hand traveled down to my clit and started timing his thrusts to his finger’s movement on my clit. Once again, my body started thrumming with anticipation as pleasure started building up.

He started chanting under his breath “come on baby let go.”

A pinch to my clit and a thrust that rocked my cervix and I came all over again.

He groaned when he felt my constricting walls asking for his white cum to swallow. He started doing short, shallow fast thrusts that made his balls tighten and overload with sensations before he exploded. He started moaning my name over and over again, his eyes clenched shut as colors exploded behind his lids.

I felt Tsukishima collapse besides me and I immediately sought his embrace. I cuddled into his stomach, feeling myself exhausted beyond belief.

A few hours later, both of us woke up from our short-lived nap and cuddled each other. The warmth of his body reassuring and comforting me that hopefully we hadn’t moved too fast and this wasn’t a mistake.

“Whatever you’re thinking about. Drop it.” I sat up and looked down at his face.

Even with his hair disheveled, he was still so breathtakingly handsome.

“I’m just thinking if we went too fast. We haven’t even been on one date yet.”

He sighed and opened his eyes. His pretty eyes connected with mine.

"We've been dancing around each other for months. Besides this was a long time coming since high school.”

High school. My breath hitched, so I was right he did know that I liked him then.

“But you ignored me. I know after you found out I liked you, you started pushing me away. That’s why we stopped talking after the first year,” I said with confusion.

He rubbed his eyes with his hands and pulled me into his chest. I felt his hands pat my hair and burrow me further into his firm chest.

“I know. I was an insecure idiot. I was weirded out by you.”

I opened my mouth to refute.

“Shhhh, let me finish. I was weirded out by the fact that anyone would like me. I had really low self esteem and because I couldn’t figure out why anyone would like me, I decided that you were just a really big weirdo. Of course, after we stopped talking, I immediately regretted it and I didn’t know how to approach you again. So, I thought it would be easier to let it go. And I did until I saw you again in the coffee shop. There was just this big what if I always felt whenever I thought about you. So, I took a chance and I guess I was right to.”

I kissed the part where his heart thumped strongly.

“You were wrong I wasn’t a weirdo. I was just a girl with a crush.”

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu prompts #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu smut #tsukishima fluff #tsukishima kei #tsukki x reader #tsukishima scenarios #tsukishima x you #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukki smut #kei x reader

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chaotic-bells · 3 years

Note

☕ stationery 📓🖋

An addiction lol

Seriously, I don't even use pen and paper anymore, for anything, but do I want to buy the entire store when I see stationery? Have I spent hours browsing Etsy for cool paper? Do I have antique looking envelopes on my wish list? Do I have my own wax and seal set? The answer to all of it is yes. The wax beads are black, because of course they are. Looks so cool when I dust metallic eyeshadow over it.

I might need a pen pal to use them. That would be really cool. 😄

send me a ☕️ and a topic and i’ll talk about how i feel about it

#ask games

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akvtsuki-ari · 4 years

Text

A Study In Body Language| iii. angel wings

Warnings: talks of trauma, drug use and addiciton, broken childhood, general talk of loss and sadness, general sad tw

Length: 4.5k

Authors Note: this fic is really my pride and joy. this chapter is heavy and honest and i hope you all like it. thanks for sticking with me as always and i hope everyone ejoys. much love <33

Plot Summary: You’ve been taking care of Spencer and living with him on and off for a few months, and tonight was supposed to be any other night but it wasn’t. You and Spencer speak honestly for the first time, and Spencer thinks he sees wings on your back. No more walls, no more secrets.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

You were getting a little too accustomed to the company of Spencer Reid. After that first night, you’d stop by every day and depending on the situation, some nights - no, many nights, you’d sleepover. The morning sun would shed your worries away as you hear Spencer asleep in the other room. You slept less than Spencer at this point, but he was constantly exhausted, so who could blame him. The mental toll of addiction was blooming, and more often than not you worried about his relapse. Some days were better than others, but the night was always difficult. Full of darkness, and silence, and overthinking.

It had been two months, on and off of living in Spencer's apartment for temporary amounts of time. Everywhere he went there were traces of you, the smell of your shampoo and soap, or your laundry folded up neatly, or grocery lists you wrote in cutesy stationery. Your house was in a similar condition - with traces of Spencer's existence there though he’d never actually set foot in your apartment. His clothes, mostly. Old books he gave you to read, as a small and unspoken repayment. Little reminders of the other person just seemed to pop up everywhere and neither of you really spoke about it. Not if you didn’t have too.

It was two months like that before tonight happened - what would have normally been another normal night. You made dinner or ordered takeout if you were too tired. The two of you would make small talk, small bits and pieces of intimacy in many ways unknowing, falling onto the floor in front of you, for the other person to pick up. Then the sun would rise, and you’d take care of your personal life while Spencer tried slowly but surely to reintegrate. This was normal for both of you.

Two months of living on and off with another person accustom you a lot to their inconsistencies. Sometimes it was glaringly obvious when something was wrong, like now. When the knock on Spencer's door lingers for a few seconds too long and you can feel the tidal waves crash and go to shit. When your heart pounds in fear as you use the key to unlock the door and see a needle missing on the desk and know. It was the small pains, the growing pains that hurt the most when you and another person share the same quiet space.

It hurt most to see Spencer so exhausted. It was killing him and he was letting it, but he was trying. Something happened, surely it did but what? He was getting better even if it was slow but something made him look to the needle before he looked to you and maybe that was the hardest part. That all the walls both of you forcibly kept up may be a reason he got here in the first place. You didn’t have time for heartache, because for now you just didn’t know. You didn’t know of the circumstances, or evidence, or even if he didn’t overdose and those things are the darkest.

When you see Spencer Reid, staring into the ceiling high out of his mind, you don’t really know how to feel other than sad. You’re not crying, you’re not in pain, you’re just sad. You wish you were angry because anger is such a simple and uncomplicated emotion but you could never be. It was just sad. For a lot of reasons, but just that at the end of the day.

You sat next to Spencer, placing your bags on the floor. You leaned on the coffee table, taking his temperature. He looked over at you, wincing but smiling. You can’t blame him for chasing his happiness, you suppose. Your hand rests on his forehead for a few seconds as you watch him in silence. He just looks up at the ceiling, eyes flitting with nothingness as he lays there, unmoving.

“What happened, Spencer?,” your voice isn’t solemn. He appreciates that you’re genuinely just asking him a question. His eyes fall onto your expression, and he looks carefully at all your features. A feeling of adoration stir in his chest, his hands reaching out to touch your face and you let him. He figures its the high talking, so he doesn’t say anything. He just looks at you - and touches you, afraid that if he doesn’t you’d disappear and he wasn’t ready for that yet. His fingers shake when he moves them. But they still as soon as he touches your skin.

“JJ called, and asked me how I was,” he laughs. It’s not a genuine laugh, because you’ve heard Spencers genuine laugh and it sounds different. Less throaty, and more like an uproar.

“I hate lying to them, hah. I do it all the time, but every time it comes with this regret. This time the lie is so bad, I might never tell them,” he muses. You hold his wrist and pull off from it. He looks at you curiously but you lock fingers with him instead and that seems to ease him.

You just look at him for a few seconds. You don’t have much to say that he doesn’t already know because well, that's just the thing. The two of you still don’t know much at all. You wish it were as simple or well-thought-out as destiny but it wasn’t. It was careful considerations to make sure that things never got too close. That ultimately, both of you could leave this situation behind someday with nothing more than solidarity. Neither of you tried, to tear down any walls or breakthrough any barriers. You sat stagnant, on opposite sides of the same concrete wall and just spoke, or knocked, or otherwise. Each of you just trying to make sure the other survived the darkness. You can’t help but feel it was your fault, that maybe if you were JJ for him, he wouldn’t feel so compelled to break but the notion is flawed.

It sounds complicated because it is. It takes a level of stubbornness from every party to spend two months with someone and scrape by without at least being friends. You were close, but not friends. If there was a word for that, then this was it.

“Don’t leave tonight, please,” his voice is dry when he says it. It sounds like he can’t bear too but he does anyway and the request is a surprise. You just nod, staring at him. Trying to figure out how to just exist in something so complicated.

“Tell me, something, Y/N,” he poses the questions, turning his whole body to face you. You read his expression and he laughs at your confusion.

“Nothing, in particular, we don’t really do very good at honest conversations, do we?,” he smiles when he says it. You can’t help but smile back, recognition of his words to be true. You just look to him, his body language is so relaxed and quiet. It’s a little unnerving how much you don’t recognize him but whose fault was that? It’s hard to say his or yours. No sway in either direction.

You don’t really know why or how it happens. You don’t know if it’s the way he looks at you so warmly, or the way his hands hold yours so tight like your the last thing he has to hold onto. It was like the two of you had forgotten the whole world, genuinely forgotten it and this was all that was left. Both of you just holding onto the other person, the person who’d walk with you through the darkness without intention and now you were both here. It wasn’t time because it never would be. It would never be the right time to stop being so stubborn, but sometimes the universe aligns in a way where it makes the most sense to not be. None of it ever made any sense but how could it?

“I’m sick of playing this game, Y/N, and you are too. It’s stupid, and it doesn’t have to mean anything but we keep letting it. It keeps meaning something and that’s why you’re still here. So what does this mean to you?,” Spencer's question isn’t aggressive, or unwarranted. He’s right, thats the part that's most difficult.

He was right. Two months of being together, living together, talking together and still the both of you were here. At some point, the moral obligation stopped, at some point, the emotions didn’t make sense - at some point, there was no need for either party to keep going. But you did, and neither of you knew when the end was. At some point, this was something more than a moral obligation. It had personal stakes, rooted in fear, love, and acceptance. Stakes from personal places that neither of you ever talked of. Always just managed to avoid it.

“I asked you two months ago, so know I’m asking again. Why’re you here?,” Spencer asks, looking at your expression. You look to him for reassurance and he gives it to you before you settle and go to tell him why - or really who.

“His name was Michael. He was a brother to me, and when I was little - he always got me out of trouble. He showed me what it meant to live, and to be alive. He taught me how to fight, he taught me how to love, and he showed me how to be kind. Every lesson I learned, he taught me. When the addiction finally caught up with him, he gave me a note. Told me thank you for everything, and that he was sorry. Sorry he couldn’t fight away the demons anymore and told me to remember to be kind. That, that would change the world someday. That’s the short version anyway,” you spoke solemnly. You weren't sure when you started crying, but Spencer started wiping tears off your face.

It was the first time anyone on the team had ever heard of the story. They knew things about you, of course they did but you always kept that part of you. It made you, all of you but you didn’t want so many people to know all of you. Just not yet anyways. It was such a dark part of you, and maybe part of you believes that if you keep it away - they wouldn’t have to carry the burden of sympathy with them. You didn’t want sympathy; you didn’t want anyone to know just how fucked up your life used to be because it took you so long to grow from that. You’re afraid of unpacking something that you spent so many years compartmentalizing.

“Shit, sorry,” you say softly. Spencer just looks at you.

“I didn’t really have much family, my mom passed away when I was young and my dad isn’t really around - he took me in, but he’s a piece of shit. It was the neighborhood that raised me, I made trouble but who didn’t? I have plenty of people back home who are family but there’s no blood relation,” You explain. Spencer nods, a little tired.

“I was pretty isolated as a kid, so I kinda get it,” he explains. You give him a smile.

“It’s different, and I know how hard it was for you. You shouldn’t diminish that,” you explain warmly. Spencer cries this time, which is certainly unexpected. You wipe his tears.

“Michael took me under his wing when he was volunteering at the community center. He said I reminded him of someone, never told me who. Every time I go home that center is the first place I go,” you say softly, recalling home fondly. Spencer listens to you intently.

“It housed a lot of addicts and homeless folks. So now, I just know when something is wrong. I know what to do, and what to look for. Every person has a different reason and story, so sometimes there's no time to do everything you can. Sometimes a hot meal and a shower, and that one night of comfort is the most you can do for someone. Because ultimately, you can’t force them to recover. You can only give them the tools to try,” you explain, recalling your life back home. A part of yourself that only Hotch really knew, because it was always so hard to talk about.

“I’ve seen it all, you know? The whole world is sick so what do you do? For me, I just try my best to do what I can. The BAU, and life back home, all of it. I just try my best because it’s all I can do,” your voice is gentle when you say the last part. Spencer's throat is closing up as he stops himself from crying. He sees what everyone else must’ve seen before. It’s hard to not be moved by you.

“What do you do when it’s not enough?,” he asks quietly. You’re startled by the question but you pet his hair for a second.

“Your best is always enough. It’s foolproof because there isn’t anything you can do after your best. So when it feels like my best isn’t enough, I try to remember that there wasn’t anything more to do. It’s hard but it’s how you stay afloat. When it becomes personal, it’ll gnaw on your soul till there's nothing left, so I try so hard to make sure it doesn’t get that way,” you explain soothingly. The last part sticks on Spencer's conscious mind but he doesn’t say anything about it.

“You know, we never talked about the first night you were,” Spencer croaks. You look at him for a second, pausing and taking in his words. You didn’t, and it never occurred to you that maybe you should.

“Would you like to?,”

Spencer just smiles. You take that as a yes.

“You’re different when you’re like that, and like this,” you’re the first to talk about it. Spencer just looks at you knowingly.

You put on Harry Potter and waited for Spencer to come out of the shower. Everything was going surprisingly well and when Spencer popped his head out of the bathroom to ask for a towel - you had earned yourself a little faith that maybe this would turn out okay.

It was short-lived, really. Spencer comes, and sits, and eats. But he isn’t hungry, and he slept for a while but he doesn’t think he will ever again and his breathing becomes unhinged. The folly into what should’ve felt inevitable. It was the first time you’d ever seen Spencer in such a state, unready and willing but destined to fall apart.

You got him to eat, and to sleep - but the night was going to fall any time soon and he was losing his mind. Moving constantly, walking and pacing, and sighing. He couldn’t hold himself any longer, couldn’t fathom the idea of being alive. Of course, it hurts too. It hurts when you don’t take it and it hurts when you do, so for a while, you and Spencer are just stuck. You’re watching him fold into himself and you’re just a little unsure.

Spencer sits to read and his hands are shaking. Harry Potter long forgotten, the lasagna foiled wrapped, and the city dark. The world had stopped it felt like but Spencer couldn’t stop shaking. His finger trembles every time he turned the page and an exasperated sigh fell from his lips. He just wanted to focus on anything but the feeling that made his skin feel so hot and prickly.

You sit next to Spencer and silently take the book from his hands. You hold his hands together and put the book away and you walk to lock his doors and turn of his lights. He looks at you curiously as you pack things away and tidy up. You grab a pillow and some blankets and sit on the couch next to him before you lay down, pulling his shoulder down towards you. He’s little spoon, eyes terribly confused and face flustered. You just braid his hair and lay with him for a while. Eventually, it’s so quiet, he stops shaking. He’s too confused to be upset so he relaxes instead. You’re silent the whole time and he falls asleep in your arms, unsure but happy to be anywhere but in his own head

“Why did you do that?,” Spencer asks first. You look to his eyes as he asks for your recognition and answers.

“The easy answer was that you needed it. We’re human, we all need to be held sometimes,” you explain.

“What's the hard answer?.” Spencer always managed to notice those things. The small things that most people wouldn’t catch.

“That I wanted too,” you look over to him as you answer his question and he gives you a small smile. He nods a bit - eyes hazy and just nods. Spencer looks distantly for a while, comfortable silence falling into the air as the both of you sit and think.

“I stopped having nightmares after that night,” Spencer confesses. You must look very surprised, Spencers chuckle soothing to your ears as he glances at your face.

“You were having nightmares?,” you query carefully. He gestures a yes as he stares up at the ceiling, hands, moving to lay on his back, finding your hands as he looks up. You accept it and Spencer gives it a squeeze.

“They stopped after, and I haven’t had one since you started living here part time,” Spencer admits to you in good faith. You laugh at the part-time comment and Spencer does too.

Silence again. The longest pause between the two of you as you look at everything in the room but each other. Spencer's expressions fall between being completely relaxed to tense, mind running a million miles at an hour though physically he was relaxed. The drugs never fixed anything, it becomes clearer as he comes down from a high but he feels better. He guesses your the reason and he can’t help but smile to himself. How ridiculous.

You were in an odd place now it seemed. It was dark outside, though, not your average darkness. It wasn’t the kind that was eldritch - full of shadowy beings and abyss. It was the kind that just seemed to be. It was comforting in it’s own right but maybe that’s just because you were sharing that darkness with someone, someone who you didn’t hate. Someone who understood you, in all the complicated and broken pieces that you came with. Someone who wasn’t trying to fix you, but reframe you in his own mind so that things made sense. Spencer just wanted to make sense of you.

“This is so complicated, you know that?,” You announce. Spencer hums in agreement.

“We’re complicated people,”

“What else do you wanna talk about?,” you ask Spencer, figuring that there was only one way this could really go. The night was the only place confessions could be heard, and you figure tonights the night. It’s really like you read Spencer's mind because he wants to ask you so many questions. Maybe it's a little by default that you know so much about him but he didn’t know anything about you it seemed. You were shrouded in too much mystery and maybe that’s what made him so suspicious of you back then - like he couldn’t accept your outright kindness because he always figured you had some bigger play. It was gut-wrenching to learn you were simply kind. Unabashedly kind, and you had your own reasons but most of them were simply because you were you. He was starting to see light in you, and every time he uncovered a piece there's more of that blinding light - falling onto his face and filling it with warmth. The kinda that pricks his skin after being surrounded by the cold for so long. Maybe it was selfish to find it like this, unfair to uncover you after all this time. He couldn’t help himself, the warmth was a feeling too addicting to stop searching for.

He feels this pang of guilt, but he knows he needs to say it before he asks anymore question.

“I’m sorry,”

You don’t need to ask. You know what he’s apologizing for because in the last few months you’ve learned a lot about how Spencer thinks and what he does. It’s everything that the two of you shared that he’s saying sorry for. You don’t need him to apologize but you accept it.

“Me too,”

Silence is the loudest voice in the room.

“Why’d Hotch let you off work?,” the question is sudden but doesn’t feel that way.

“My dad is sick and I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve been calling home and the neighbors a lot to make sure he’s okay cause I’m not all that sure I wanna see him. I don’t feel anything for him, but it’s sad to see him crumble,”

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Spencers voice shakes. That’s troubling but here you still were, watching over him almost needlessly. He knows it was your choice to do it but the way he’s been acting towards you just seemed so unwarranted now. It was okay, really it was but he couldn’t help the guilt that ate at him. You just shake your head, stopping him in his train of thought.

“It’s okay, Spencer. Really it is, shit happens,” you seem tired, likely because you are. It’s 4am and though you don’t have anywhere to be the conversation of such an emotional scale was getting to you. It was exahusting but you tried your best to keep up with the sleep that was threatening to swallow you.

More quietness. This time it feels affectionate. Spencer turns his body to face you, his eyes hanging over the way your lids flutter shut with sleep. He’d yell at you to go to bed normally, sometimes he’d catch you awake when you’d sleepover and do just that. But he knew that the conversation wasn’t over - the elephant in the room was still hanging over the both of you and it was just a matter of who would decide to answer the question because the two of you just can’t keep moving like this.

At some point, you would have to both fall away from this reality that you share. Neither of you wanted to, it was unspoken but, this was nice. It was comfortable, though difficult and at times clinical. It was an escape from everything because every night the both of you ended up next to each other speaking in whispers and watching tv together. Nothing but that. Nothing more or less. You wished it could go on forever, and you hoped he did too but it couldn’t. Two months just wasn’t enough time to escape. But time was up, and if this didn’t prove that then what would? It wasn’t Spencer's relapse as much as it was why he relapsed in the first place. JJ was a reminder, and even though he’d gotten calls before, it broke him this time. It was one time too many, and it meant that time for this had run out. Before this break was gone forever, you two were just trying to find some closure.

You straighten your back out, as look at Spencer. He looks at you, as the two of you make comfortable eye contact. It’s not unnatural, or weird, or tense. You give him a genuine smile and he returns it. Nothing is left to hide so for a second the two of you just enjoy each other's company. For maybe the first time, it’s not so secretive. It just is.

“What do we do?,” Spencer chuckles. You shrug, sitting up straight.

“Well, you should go to rehab, and I should probably go back home,” You say sleepily. Spencer doesn’t disagree with you but it’s difficult for him to admit it.

“It helps if we’re both brave. So, after this, we can hold each other accountable, and be friends” You clarify. Spencer smiles brightly, his high finally having left him. He’s exhausted now, but he sits up. You stand up too, going to the kitchen. Spencer's eyes follow you as he looks at you curiously.

“I’m gonna make some coffee, we can sleep in the morning but we should probably start looking at centers. And I need to book a flight back home,” You state. Spencer relaxes and fights the urge he has to hold you. Look into your eyes and say thank you for everything. He figures he has all the time in the world for that now and hopes recovering will be the best thank you of all. He hopes it will be enough.

He hopes he’s enough for you.

___

The sun was blinding, even past the curtains it was warm and inviting. The shadow of your laptop danced along Spencers coffee table - as two mugs sat next to it for company. It was a little cliche, the way the birds chirped and the sound of the city just seemed to be so still in the morning. Well, not morning - 3pm. You and Spencer didn’t sleep all night, so really you went to bed around when it was morning.

Spencer's chest rose and fell, as your sleeping figure was draped on top of him. It’s unclear how the two of you fell asleep like that, but at least this time it felt final. He was warm, and the way his hands rested on your back made you sleep easier. The weight of you on top of him made him relax - as if he knew he could always keep you safe from now on. Who knows if you’d ever talk about it, because when you wake up this will all be over. But the memories will always be there - and if you don’t talk about it, you’ll always have an excuse to come by, even if you didn’t need it anymore.

You booked Spencer sometime in a rehab facility and scheduled an appointment with a therapist for him. It took all night because Spencer was rather picky about scheduling, but you didn’t mind. You booked a flight back home, and Spencer offered to go with you. You declined but you said maybe when you visit home for a happy reason he can come.

Now you’d both have reasons, just in case those stubborn feelings returned.

The universe knew better, always did. It was too late for needing reasons by now, but it’d be a long time before either of you figured that out. That maybe friendly affections weren’t so friendly, and that at the end of the day both of you ignored the simple things.

After all, this is a case study in body language. How it changes and grows when your heart opens to someone.

It’s said when you’re in love with someone, their eyes dilate because of chemicals in the brain.

Spencer's eyes were always blown out when he wakes up, but you figure he must be tired.

Right?

_____

taglist: @cynbx @zephyr-studiesjp @skrrrrrrrrrrt @louistwinslover @pastanest @nomajdetective @iamburdened @secretlyablueunicorn

#spencer reid #spencer reid angst #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #Criminal Minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds self insert #crimnal minds angst #mannnn #i love this fic sm its my whole heart #would mean the world to me if yall read it #sighs contently

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sonorous-cicada · 4 years

Text

Shisui’s Journal #11

Itachi pulled his Akatsuki cloak closer to his body as he entered a small stationery store. It looked similar to the one where he bought Shisui his journal all those years ago. There were mild pastel colors on the walls. Pens and pencils were neatly stacked in bins on one side. All manner of papers in different styles, colors and textures lay opposite. He breathed in deeply before locating his target - A4 paper to fill the journal. Before he left, he saw metallic origami paper and added it to his stack.

Feeling alone, and lost in the world he had made up his mind to start journaling as well. He added the new paper to the leather bindings and began to write. He left the first two pages after Shisui’s final letter to him blank so that it went undisturbed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

October 19th

Dear Shisui,

It has been four years since your death; you would have been twenty-four today. I am now twenty-two years old. When I feel the wind on my face, I would like to imagine it was your caress. I hear you in a bird’s song. I see you in the darkest night, haunting my dreams. What is it like where you are now? Are you as lonely as I am?

I write to you under duress. The criminal organization I have joined suspects me of being a double agent. Even so, they have paired me with their second in command for this small trip; as well as their treasurer.

Her name is Konan. She is fearsome. I suspect, based on her physical appearance, that she is one of the three orphans that the Sannin, Jiraiya, raised and trained. She wields a unique jutsu that relies on origami paper, or at least the appearance of it. It is quite brilliant. She infuses every piece of washi with her own chakra and then wraps it in layers of genjutsu to deceive the enemy.

Today, we were sent on a mission to eliminate a threat. Konan decided to recruit him instead. He is… unkillable in the traditional ways. I am becoming close with the other Akatsuki members. I am worried that I will completely lose who I am. But then I remember that I am already lost. A clan killer, murderer, recruiter of terrorists. Would you rebuke me? I pray that you would.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Entry 138

July 24th

Itachi and I made love for the first time last night. It was wonderful. We’ve been dating for almost a year, you see. Last night was the first night we were able to spend together for the longest time. Well, we were on my couch, enjoying the silence and the sound of crickets in the air. I started to rub his hand, then he kissed me. Normally, he only becomes sexually aggressive after difficult missions. But this was different, he was very gentle, hesitant almost. In the last year, since we’ve decided to become boyfriends officially, we’ve always stopped before taking it past second base.

It was nice. The way that his hands slid up my shirt. He got off the couch and began to pull me towards my bedroom (our bedroom, really). After that, everything he did was frenzied. I tried to slow him down and ask him if something was wrong. He just shook his head and continued to undress me. I began pushing back, taking his clothes as well. I didn’t stop until we were naked in front of each other, panting with our combined lust.

I don’t really know what else to say. There was just this look in his eye when he saw me. An approval. And well, we just didn’t rest after that until we were both lying replete and breathless on my our bed.

It’s one of those precious memories that will etch itself into my heart. It was so tender. Every movement, touch. The sounds that we made together. It was only one night, dear journal, but I think I could easily become addicted to him. He could commit atrocities unlike any known to man and I would still want to be in his bed every night. Maybe that’s what love is?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

‘In another life… I would be in your bed tonight…’ Itachi thought as he blankly stared at Shisui’s messy scrawl.

“Itachi-san, we’re heading out in thirty minutes,” Konan said calmly from across the glade.

“Of course, Konan-san.” He packed the sealed journal and the origami paper in his pocket before readying himself to leave. Tomorrow, he would give Konan his small gift. She had been kind to him, after all, in a world where kindness was rare.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

AN: Pass a note on a paper plane and leave a comment or review. What did you like about this? What do you want to see happen? Let’s talk. ;) thank you for reading!

Cross-posted to AO3 and fanfiction.net

#shisui uchiha #shisui #itachi uchiha #itachi #konan #itachi x shisui #shisui x itachi #uchiha clan #Shisui's Journal #journal

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ghostlyscene · 4 years

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17 things I learned before turning 17

According to my birth certificate, I turn 17 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 4 and part of me feels 113, but the actual age I currently am is 16. I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned. I honestly don’t know what I’m writing and looking back, this post is literally just me rambling and talking about my life and ideas that maybe are cliche. But I wanted to make this post about things I’ve learned so far in life and who knows, maybe these thoughts will evolve as I grow.

1. Crying is not a weakness - I used to always think crying was a sign of weakness or losing to someone or giving in. But as I’ve grown and experienced more things that make me want to cry, I’ve come to understand that crying is therapeutic and it helps me move on. I have to move past hardships somehow and crying is my form of coping and healing.

2. I love traveling - my family has always loved traveling ever since I was really little. I used to always be the one in daycare and elementary going to Mexico or China during breaks and later on, London, Paris, Vienna, Singapore. All these wonderful places, some I can’t even remember. Now that I’m older, I’ve fallen in love with traveling and I enjoy seeing the culture, architecture, art, way of life, and everything a country has to offer. I’ve been to 45 countries and I’m almost 17. That’s crazy and I’m so grateful for every experience and I can’t wait for more.

3. sweatshirts, sweaters, and tights are the best thing to wear - I’ve basically given up on looking nice most of the time. Comfort is always first and soft sweatshirts and hoodies and sweaters are the best for napping in and watching shows and cramming studying sessions and homework. also tights are the best thing ever cause they basically look nice with everything I wear.

4. stationery is obsessive - I love love love stationery and it’s honestly not a healthy obsession but I just can’t help myself. Every colored pen, marker, highlighter, little stickers and everything you can think of, I will probably have or want to buy when I’m in stores. I’ve recently been obsessed with zebra sarasa pens and mild liners (the pastel colors!!!)

5. Taylor Swift concerts are the happiest place to be - I’ve always imagined what Taylor concerts would be like and it was at the top of my bucket list forever because I had never been able to convince my mom to take me. My mom was always worried about safety which is understandable, but I convinced her to take me to the reputation tour. It was such a worthwhile experience and my mom and I enjoyed every moment. Taylor has such a way of making you feel at home and connected with her. I was so genuinely happy that night, singing my heart out and forgetting all my worries and insecurities for a night. I can’t wait to go to another show (hopefully soon) and I hope all of y’all will get to go to one eventually.

6. Italian food is the best food around.- pasta, gelato, pizza and omg Italian food is just amazing. That’s it. There’s nothing else to say really.

7. I’m addicted to coffee, fairy lights, and aesthetics. - Coffee is something i always need and it just tastes so good. I usually get a iced caramel macchiato but I’ve also been loving stronger coffee tastes recently. Also I don’t get any sleep during school so basically I live off caffeine. The fairy lights in my room make me so happy and warm and are a great stress reliever. Definitely recommend. Aesthetics!!! Literally love scrolling through tumblr and Pinterest for hours to look at aesthetic photos and edits and I love seeing my friend’s edits and discovering new editors and ahh!!!! definitely check them out and give them the love they deserve. Editors work so hard.

8. Art is a form of therapy - I love doing art whenever I’m stressed because it helps me forget everything. And I don’t think you have to be really talented or draw anything complex because whenever I draw stuff for competition, I always feel stressed. It’s the small doodles and careless sketches that make me feel the happiest.

9. true friends are it replaceable - I’ve realized how important a good friend is and having a person that is always there to talk to and share your worst and best moments with is something that will make your life infinitely better. You don’t need a bunch to feel happy. One true, honest one is all that one ever needs but that doesn’t mean that you should stop meeting new people cause you never know who will become your best friend or who needs you. Never stop making friends but eliminate the toxic ones.

10. having scars is not a bad thing - I’ve learned that having a history and a part of your life that is bad doesn’t make you a bad person or shameful. It is what makes you the person you are today and you should embrace it and use it to better yourself or help other.

11. Music has always been there for me - listening to music and making playlists and discovering songs is such a huge part of my life. There’s a song for every emotion and music can be so healing. So go listen to some nice songs and discover just how nice music can make one feel.

12. Put yourself first- it’s not selfish - I used to always think that thinking of myself and my feelings first was selfish. So I put others first and forgot to take care of myself. But I’ve realized that you can’t love others and help others to the full potential until you are happy with yourself and you feel content with your life and are at a good place yourself. So if you need to take care of your mental health or whatever is important to you, do it. The people who truly love you will understand and be there the whole time.

13. Don’t let your anxiety take over - anxiety can be difficult and uncontrollable and sometimes it is necessary to take care of yourself. But learning how to cope is part of the healing process and you should not let your anxiety ruin your day and should push to experience new things and go out of your comfort zone.

14. Society has unnecessary standards for woman - ok tell me why we are obligated to shave, to have nice hair, to have perfect makeup and perfect skin, and to fit a mold. I’ve found that women’s dress code can be so strict and unnecessary compared to men’s. Women are expected to do more and to fight more for what they want and to be caring, model-like, and many other “traditionally woman” things but that isn’t every women and I don’t think everyone has to adhere to those standards.

15. It is vital to become educated and know your values - this world is so complex and there’s so much out there to learn and become educated on. I think it is important to know about history and current events and become educated enough to have your own values and know why you stand by them. To me, this is part of growing up and becoming your own person and I’m always working on that. I’ve yet to achieve it but I’ve made progress.

16. “may your heart remain breakable but never by the same hands twice”.-I want to be able to put down the thick wall around my heart and to let myself love and feel again. I want to let people into my life more that make me smile and feel safe, even if it means getting hurt again. I want to allow myself to trust others and to build more relationships with people. I think it’s hard because I’ve felt abandoned and hurt so much but some tiny part of me hoped that one day, I’ll be ready to accept someone. And I think this is important for everyone to do or work towards.

17. Step into the daylight and let it go. - something I have definitely learned and am still working on doing daily is learning to let go. I’ve realized that it’s not easy, and some part of me always wants to nitpick on every tiny mistake in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be fully satisfied with myself and I will always value improvement. But I’ve realized that the amount of stress I have over uncontrollable aspects of life is too much. So I think that sometimes it’s best to just take a deep breath and move on. you only have so long to live so instead of dwelling on the past, you have to move on and work on improving the future.

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liunaticfringe · 4 years

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NOTE: Google translation (LiunaticFringe highlighting)

Lucy Liu: Root Freedom | Jia Ren Cover

2020 opened a new decade.

Idols of the eighties,

Some are still active on the screen and the Internet.

Some have disappeared,

Some are also attracting much attention,

Some have fallen asleep.

We finally arrived at the "future" in science fiction,

Discover with Liu Yuling the familiar sense of time in this "future."

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At 11:30 am, in the city of Brooklyn, New York, a 19th-century warehouse remodeled art community and creative studio, Liu Yuling, full of silver hair, wore large retro glasses and her body turned sideways. She was holding an eleven-inch old-fashioned black-and-white TV in her right hand, and the antenna stood like unruly hair, and the screen was flashing monotonous white noise lines, just in the same direction as her black-and-white striped tie. The prototype of this shape is Andy Warhol.

After the April issue of "Jia Ren" covers the retro theme of the 1980s, Liu Yuling proposed that it should be more interesting to play. She worked with the creative team to select several fashion icons that have a profound impact on her personally and the world-David Bowie, Prince, BoyGeorge, Debbie Harry , Madonna and Andy Warhol, re-enact their classic looks with seasonal fashion. The last idol is Liu Yuling herself. Two sets of fashions are the retro punk style of the 1980s and the modern minimalist department. The New Wave movement of the 1980s has become an old dream, and Liu Yuling is pushing the new wave of this era.

This original look from Andy Warhol comes from the cable television show Andy Warhol Online that he launched in the 1980s. He was addicted to TV and said, "I love TV, and I'm super jealous of people who can have their own programs on TV. I also want to have my own program."

In 1979, he spent $ 40,000 on a premium broadcast-quality camera, and hired professional television producers to start broadcasting his own programs on Manhattan Cable at his own expense. The television dream continued throughout his eighties, until 1987, when he suddenly died of a myocardial infarction.

Artists who do not want to be on TV are not good actors. Like Andy, Liu Yuling has a strong curiosity in all aspects of the world and has made breakthroughs in different fields. At the age of fifteen, she wants to be an artist. She creates collages, walks through the streets of New York with a big camera, and transfers from the Department of Communication at New York University to study Asian language and culture at the University of Michigan. During college, she was spotted by scouts in the New York subway, she took commercial shots of stationery stores, and began to take on guest roles in some episodes. Until the last year of college, she was selected by the student troupe to star in "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland", after which she began to fully realize her actor dream.

She said to herself that she had never thought of giving up since the moment she made her decision. On the Hollywood screen, there are few faces of Chinese-American actors. It is even more difficult for her petite and ordinary person to want to break out of her own world. On her first debut, she lived in two small jobs and lived in a small apartment rented by her brother, rushing to deliver resumes, auditions, and appointments. Looking back, Liu Yuling said: "I am brave and simple. I think pure is a good thing because it means freedom. I just want to learn and do what I like to do."

At the age of 29, Liu Yuling had debuted for eight years. She first appeared on the screen as a hostess in "Flying Over Beverly Hills" (1991), and later as a female student in the CBS drama "Pearl", her popularity has gradually increased. And what really made her fame was that she played the Chinese lawyer Wu Ling in the American drama `` Sweet Girl '', a clever, cool, decisive and slightly weird character that won the hearts of the audience with a strong aura. It also subverts the stereotype of Chinese Americans in American film and television works.

It was originally a temporary arrangement with only eight episodes, but screenwriter David Kelly changed her role to a resident character at the request of the audience. The incident sparked widespread debate in the American community about the Asian impression, and she was nominated for the Primetime Emmy Award.

Every character since then, whether it is the fiercely popular special agent in "Pili Jiaowa", the elegant and cold killer in "Kill Bill", or the female version of "Watson" in "Holmes: Basic Deduction", or In the exaggerated socialite of the woman, Liu Yuling is always climbing over various invisible glass ceilings, transcending the gulf of identity, gender, and age, and challenging seemingly impossible roles.

To this day, Liu Yuling still devotes herself to life and work with the courage and simplicity of her debut. For her, every day is a new beginning, and it is worth investing all your energy in learning, reading, and experience. Create new selves in the process of meeting different people.

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According to current buzzwords, Liu Yuling is an out-of-the-box slash youth, acting, hosting, director, producer, game dubbing, artistic creation, United Nations Children's Fund ambassador, she is fully committed to every job. At the age of forty-six, she made the bravest decision in her life and helped her become a self-selected single mother through third-party transplantation for in vitro fertilization. For Liu Yuling, there is no difference in work. As long as you start, you must take it seriously.

The itinerary of the day of shooting was dense from morning to night. At eight in the morning, she personally sent her four-year-old son to school, and then rushed to the shooting scene in Brooklyn. The filming continued from 9:30 a.m. to the evening. Seven sets of looks were made, and the staff took turns to change the work. And Liu Yuling maintains a high degree of concentration throughout the process, injecting soul into each character, sometimes it is David Bowie, who is male and female, sometimes sexy Madonna, sometimes a neutral and feminine George boy, sometimes an eclectic security. Di Warhol.

Instead of playing them, she gave them part of herself. She used her body and soul to travel through time and space and talk to them. In the end, she returned to herself. She didn't want to conceal the wrinkles in the corner of her eyes, all the wind and frost was smoothed by the eyes of understanding the world.

At 11.40 in the evening, half of the staff had already left the field, and Liu Yuling was finally able to change into her original clothes and sit at the dressing table to remove makeup. Suddenly remembered something, she turned back and said aloud to the rest of the staff: "Thank you."

There were many people at the beginning, and she always stayed to the last.

She has been an actor since she was nineteen years old, and still loves acting, and her role has become increasingly full. In the long course of her life, she kept adding new roles for herself.

She appeared in the "Kung Fu Panda" series as a beautiful woman snake, and then accepted a series of game voice acting work, including "High Speed Skiing", "Thunderbolt: Thrilling Game" and "Rogue Blood". Liu Yuling said that in real life, she doesn't play games often, but she also devotes herself when playing. She is always trying new things, and sound performances allow her to delve into different ways of acting. She is also passionate about the director. In 2010, she started crying and started shooting a short film "Mena" in Mumbai, based on the Indian girl Mena who was trafficked as a sex slave at the age of eleven, and then directed the sixth season of "Holmes: Basic Deduction", and The eighth episode of Deadly Woman.

In the play, she likes the replacement of different identities. The same is true in real life. As an actor, she is located at one end of the lens to pass the role to the world. The director's work allowed her to stand on the other side of the camera, and through communication and collaboration, the entire team understood the picture she wanted to convey and made it a reality.

She said: "If I don’t have enthusiasm, I won't do it. And if I love it, I will go all out every day with my eyes open. My personality is so strong that I can't spend my life in peace, Everything is necessary to go all out, whether it is to be a chef, an actor, or even in a garment factory, I must inject all the energy and do my best. "She did the work of the garment factory. Yuling Liu, who grew up in Queens, New York, is a second-generation immigrant. Originally a senior intellectual's parents immigrated to the United States in the 1960s and found it difficult to enter the mainstream American society. In order to subsidize households, she was doing two jobs at the same time: serving plates and working in a garment factory. Since then, she has been working in the performing arts circle to support the actor's dream.

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Liu Yuling grew up in a harsh family with almost militarized management. Parents are struggling for a living, and they don't have much time for spiritual communication except eating and sleeping. It wasn't until her father had cancer that she had the opportunity to talk to him more about how Chinese culture and immigration experience shaped him and connected his family. Now, she takes the sick mother back to live with her and her son, and examines everything that went through her childhood, as if she knew each other again.

Son Rockwell grew up in New York and has lived in the spotlight since he was a child. However, Liu Yuling still hoped that he would grow up in a low-key environment and teach him the meaning of work and his mission as a person: "I want him to realize that material is not the most important thing. I grew up in a material-deficient environment. I don’t think life is lacking. Understanding the value of hard work, being a humble person, and loving what you do is an unparalleled gift. I think the most exciting thing is to do what you do with love. He may want to be a doctor, an artist, it doesn't matter what he wants to do. I just hope that he can pursue his dreams bravely and fearlessly. "

As the second generation of immigrants, Liu Yuling felt the empathy of the late actress Huang Liushuang in the difficult immigration life and the pressure of ethnic minorities. On February 8, 1960, the name of Huang Liushuang, (Anna May Wong) who had died, appeared on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, becoming the first Chinese-American actress to stay here. Sixty years later, Liu Yuling left the second star next to her name, becoming the second Chinese actress to leave her name here.

At the beginning of the 20th century, Huang Liushuang was born in Chinatown, Los Angeles, and his father made a living from the laundry. With a Chinese face, she was racially discriminated from an early age.After entering Hollywood, she could only play the Asians under the stereotype-prostitutes, Mongolian slaves, often dying by death, gorgeous but weak, usually attached to high-ranking White male. In the end of his life, Huang Liushuang couldn't get rid of the Chinese face of Hollywood, nor could he get the approval of the Chinese. The number of films gradually decreased, and eventually he died of heart disease due to excessive drinking.

During the star awarding ceremony, Liu Yuling said: "How lucky I am to have seniors like Huang Liushuang and Bruce Lee to lay the ground for Chinese actors. If my life's work can bridge the gap, the role of stereotypes played in Huang Liushuang is now mainstream in Asian I will be very happy to build a bridge in the role of the movie industry. I am also part of this change. "

Speaking of Huang Liushuang, Liu Yuling was quite moved: "Huang Liushuang has never realized the dream of a real actor. I think she died because of a broken heart. She has enthusiasm but cannot share. She plays various stereotyped roles, but cannot find To the true self. That must be very unbearable. "

Where is her true self? Liu Yuling recalled her childhood. The family did not bring her nourishment of art and culture. The Chinese family struggling with the food and clothing line did not have time to take the children to appreciate and feel the beauty. And she was looking for beauty on the cement street, between the dirt. In the cracks in the street, there are ants, and under the soil, there are snail shells. There is not much space in reinforced concrete New York, but she will spend hours squatting on the ground, staring at the cracks in the ground, trying to find the mysteries of the universe from them.

The mystery of the universe was opened to her further after she transferred from New York University to Michigan.

At the University of Michigan, Liu Yuling chose to major in Asian language and culture. She hopes to leave New York and study her subjects in a quieter city and learn about her native culture: "I want to go deeper into Chinese and study Asian philosophy, which will help me better understand myself and my parents At that time, I just connected the dots, stepped back, and saw the complete picture for the first time in my life.

I feel like I've been holding my breath for a long time, and finally I can breathe out. And when you exhale, you finally see your place in the world, their place in the world, and the relationship between the world and you. It's as if the lens is zoomed out and you start to see everything as it was. With this perspective, you can finally accept yourself and others emotionally, really enjoy getting along with others, and know what you really want. "

Participating in the summer project of Beijing Normal University gave her the opportunity to come to China for the first time. Liu Yuling recalled that it was an incredible journey of self-exploration: "For the first time in my life, I looked at the people around me, all of whom had the same skin color and the same eyes. I finally knew where I came from. Mountains and rivers I feel like part of them. I finally found a sense of cultural belonging. Everything has a new meaning. "

If the streets and lanes brought Liu Yuling's first contact with contemporary China, then the trip to the Temple of Heaven made it possible for her to visually connect with this ancient civilization. Numbers, colors, shapes, and every detail are closely linked to the cosmic view of heaven and man.

The prayer hall has four large columns, which symbolize the four seasons of the year; the twelve gold pillars in the middle layer, which symbolize the twelve months of the year; the twelve pillars in the outer layer, which means twelve hours a day; Implied twenty-four solar terms. Long history contains wisdom connected with nature. Liu Yuling closed her eyes and clearly described what she saw and said at the time: "We cannot change the flow of the four seasons, the ebb and flow. We are part of nature and the universe. All the content learned in these books is presented in front of me in an intuitive image. It's like reading a classic for the first time, and you can't believe that you met it for the first time in your life. And for centuries, it has been waiting for you in this world. "

Rumi's poems give her the same feeling: "They are so simple, yet so timeless. About friendship, about love, about death. People have not yet invented language, but only communicated through stones and symbols. When you were young, you thought that the world started with you and finally you, and gradually grew, and you realized that you are only a small component. The more you see, the more you can break through your small cage and become Humility and harmony. "

"At this moment, I was tied to the cane of love; at this moment, I gave up thinking about the consequences ... I destroyed my thoughts and eliminated my anxiety. What else do I need? Blood flows in my veins. I am life itself. "— Rumi

"I didn't start to be a mother at that time. I would work all night in the studio. Art immerses me and forgets the passage of time. I thought it was only an hour, but it was dawn. I remember I had a chocolate Colored Labrador, it will sit in the studio with me, and then go back to sleep in the bedroom. Sometimes it will come back, sigh in front of me, and then get down. Then I will You know, I've forgotten time again. It's as if the whole night suddenly disappeared. "

She closed her eyes and seemed to catch the most accurate sentence from the air: "Time is condensed."

Liu Yuling's career as an artist began almost simultaneously with her career as an actor. Since 1993, she has begun her creative work. She has been involved in various art media, photography, abstract expression style oil painting, ink painting, sketching, screen printing, and collages and installations.

Her love for art made her choose Andy Warhol as one of the tribute idols for this shoot. Liu Yuling appreciates Andy's talent in bringing commercial art to the extreme, and also appreciates his solitary appreciation. She also likes Willem de Kooning, Georgia O 'Keeffe, whose influence can be seen in her Chunga oil painting series. The images of these works are from the Spring Palace in the Ukiyo-e paintings of the 17th century. They use bold and vivid colors to show the wanton display of love.

Liu Yuling's Totem series explores the human spine, and she embroiders human bones with threads on bare linen. Liu Yuling said that if she returns to college, she may choose to continue to explore medicine, understand the structure of the body and organs, and how they operate precisely. For her, the spine represents the basic characteristics of human nature, and the different textures in each work symbolize the deep interpretation of different emotions. The spine is also like a node in life. In the perception of pain, emotions are always closely connected with the body.

In 2019, he presented the double exhibition "Unhomed Belonging" with artist Rao Shubi at the National Gallery of Singapore, covering works from various media. The highlight of this artist's career made her realize the inherent connection in her creative medium. As early as 2008, she has started using ready-made objects for her creations, and the newly presented Lost and Found series further extends the method of misappropriating ready-made objects. Liu Yuling collected overprinted and discarded book covers at a printing factory in Italy, rebind them into books, cut the inside pages, and embedded them in everyday life, such as shells, rocks, and soft drinks Tins, paper coffee cups, metal accessories.

Liu Yuling said: "These lost things once belonged to them and were abandoned after they were used. In these pages, they found a new home." The 195 bound books presented at the exhibition contain the items The stories of different places, different cities, and different people, and at this time they are converged by the cause of fate, Liu Yuling found a new home for some of them. At the time of sale, ten books will be recommended to the collector as a whole group. Liu Yuling will choose the content of the book based on the people in the collection, so the final "library" will have an internal connection with the new home.

If different works reflect different aspects of Liu Yuling's character, then the identity of the artist and the actor are also her different aspects. She cannot make a choice: "I am an actor and an artist." The two often meet, but they have some differences. Different: "Creation requires privacy and absolute focus, while actors need to work with the lens and collaboration."

What is the purpose of this kind of identity? Liu Yuling explores exactly on each road. Over the age of fifty, Liu Yuling has gone through a lot of life and death. The Seventy Two series is inspired by the Hebrew alphabetic sequence of 72 God's names. The Velocity series focuses on individual choices in collective events. After the 9/11 terrorist attack, she took a picture of the New York City skyline at Battery Park, the site of the attack, and became the background for this group of works. "People who jump off the ninety-ninth floor know that they are not alive. But they still hold their hands and jump out of the window. Maybe they believe that as long as they hold their hands firmly, they can find another one after death. road."

On top of the collage photos are found items found on the ruins, as well as poems she wrote: "I will search all corners, as if rain covered every street in the world. I will find you."

At twelve in the evening, Liu Yuling finally stepped out of the shooting scene. There is no rain tonight in New York, but there is a salty tide brought by the East River. In endless time, among countless stars, what is she looking for? Thought that what is lost will always find belonging at the other end.

#Lucy Liu #marie claire china #April 2020 #Author / He Yu #interview #in depth #China

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felixmyers · 4 years

Text

new vices ft. ethan myers

trigger warnings: physical and mental abuse, alcoholism, self harm

“Look at me when I’m talking to you, boy.”

Felix’s eyes look back up at his father, body tension switching from anger to defeat. No words hitting his ears are processed, they sound so faint. He felt dizzy, he wanted to sit down. But his dad kept looking at him, grabbing his arms and lecturing him about how he was wrong. He was stupid.

He called him worthless and the word rang through his mind like a bell in a village.

The year is 2016. Felix is fourteen years old. He’s a freshman in high school and everything feels weird to him. He can’t explain the feelings he has in his head, but they’re deafening. He seemed to fight at home constantly, Liv and his dad and him always going at each others throats. New strain was forming with him and his sister since he was growing up and into himself. He couldn’t express his thoughts the same and he dealt with his problems on his own. Or, he tried to, Mostly he kept them to himself out of fear of judgement and ignored them until it bubbled up. And it was all bubbling up. He was scared and angry and confused and still wanted to enjoy the stuff he did when he was a kid but knew he had to grow up. It was a confusing time for him, and his life being in black and white made it harder. He couldn’t find any happiness anymore. Except, maybe with his friend Jude, but that was it. She was the only light in his life.

“You listening to a word I’m saying, boy?” Ethan asks, giving him a light tap on the face. He could tell he was zoning out. “Snap the fuck back to it.” He pushes him back, releasing his grip from Felix’s arms. Felix stumbled, but stayed standing in his place, eyes on his dad. But he couldn’t come back. His mind was trapped in the spiral of what his dad just said. Ethan looks at him for a moment before shaking his head, turning around and grabbing his flask. “I never should’ve had you kids. You’re taking years off my life. I’ve got a bad heart, you know that?” He opens it, downs whatever putrid concoction is left in there. Felix hadn’t seen him wash that a day in his life, just empty it and pour in more of whatever shit he could get. Claimed the alcohol got rid of the germs. Nasty ass. “It’s a miracle you haven’t landed me in the hospital with these punches you’ve been throwing.” Silence followed, Ethan staring at Felix as Felix stared back. “You acting all big and bad and now the cat’s got your tongue? Fucking say something.”

Felix’s jaw clenches, weight shifting from foot to foot. He can’t look at his dad the same, he hasn’t been able to for years. “If you shouldn’t have had us then why the fuck did you.” It wasn’t a question. It was a demand.

It earned him a book thrown at his head. Felix flinches and ducks, and it misses by only a few inches. Ethan was exhausted; too exhausted to get up and smack him, but the thought was there. “Don’t fucking swear in my house. You think you’re on the same level as me and you’re not. Don’t get that shit twisted.” He takes another swig from his flask and relaxes into his chair. Felix doesn’t move, doesn’t talk. Just chews on his lip as he waits for Ethan to answer him. “You fucked me up good, kid, you know that?” He was referencing the stinging pain he probably felt in his split lip from Felix butting his forehead into his dad’s face. Previously, he was holding him against the wall and Felix needed to get out of his grip.

Once upon a time they really were close, that’s what hurt the most about all of this. Ethan was practically his hero. They were close before his mother left, then he looked to his dad for comfort afterwards. For a few months, he provided that comfort. But it became apparent to everyone, including Felix — as young as he was — that Ethan wasn’t cut out to be a parent. Georgia carried the house on her back until she realized how much she hated them. That’s at least what Felix took it as. He had a hard time accepting his mom leaving them, and internalized it as resentment. His mother was on her way to be a very bright anesthesiologist until Ethan skipped out on condoms one time too many. And then she was ripped from her dream job right before she actually got to it. Felix assumed she loathed his dad and the kids for crushing her dream. And Ethan did nothing but enforce that idea. Now he faced the man that crushed his own.

He didn’t know what to say. Any option made the situation worse on his end. His adrenaline was slowing down and his body and face started to hurt. A headache he got from being slammed into the wall was beginning to set in. Even if he were to ask if he could go, it’d result in another fist thrown. He stayed quiet, clenching and unclenching his jaw, leg slightly shaking to control his anger. “Get out of here, you worthless pig. Go think about what you did before I stop you from thinking at all.” Was that really another threat to his life? He lost count on how many times there were tonight, this month, this year. It was white noise to him by this point, a deafening blow to the heart.

With the dismissal, Felix crosses to the stairs. Not too fast, not too aggressive, as to not stir the pot. He was going to get to his room safely, since he knew it wasn’t over yet. It wasn’t settled until the door shut behind him. His face twisted into pain, anger, and sadness as it all sinks in. It happens every night, he should be used to it by now. It still hurt so badly. He sits at his desk, chest tight as tears pour over onto his cheeks. He didn’t want to be crying, it hurt the already-forming bruises on his face and neck. He wasn’t making a single noise, just bouncing his leg as he stared hard into the ground. His thoughts were racing and couldn’t make any sense at the same time. It was all a blur. He couldn’t focus on one thing at a time.

Felix tries to look at anything in the room to find relief, something to take his mind off of what had occurred. Brown eyes land on his stationery, specifically his pencil case. There was a sharpener on the top, light graphite dust lay on it. All the flying thoughts come to a halt at the sight. A physical pain would occupy any energy his brain had, and he wouldn’t be miserable anymore. A distraction, if you will. He grabs it in his hand and stares at it. A tiny black sharpener with a smaller dirty blade. It could help. He’s seen a girl do it at school before, but she didn’t know he saw it. His mind was beginning to obsess on this, and before he could notice, his hands were already fiddling with the sharpener.

He finds a screwdriver in his desk, and it went to work on the screw holding the blade out of his grasp. It didn’t take long for the small blade to fall out and into his lap. Felix slowly picks it up and stares at it, fingertips gentle brushing away the debris. He didn’t know where to do it. Anyone would notice his wrists, he figured, and he didn’t feel comfortable looking at his thighs; it’d only upset him more. His dad had long since ruined his self esteem. His neighbor’s cat had scratched his arm by accident... Maybe that’d be a good spot to start. The cut looked like a cat scratch and people had seen it there before. He rolled up his sleeve and peered at it for a while. It could work.

It took some working up, but that night he started his addiction to hurting himself. It was such a strong coping mechanism, and he didn’t intend on stopping. Every single day he needed to do it, all in the crook of his forearm. He wore sweaters or light flannels or jackets, anything that would conceal his secret. If it was an especially hot day, he’d wrap his arm in an ace bandage and say he scraped his arm skateboarding. No one seemed to notice and Felix started to fall deeply in love with his depression. All because of his father.

#if self harm is triggering i'd advise caution #it's his first time deciding to start i don't want to upset anyone #tw:self harm #tw:abuse #tw:alcoholism

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coffee-for-himchan · 5 years

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scary love | jongup

Word count: 3.4 k+

Genre/warnings: fluff, university AU, post-university AU, shy!reader

Summary: Developing a crush and falling in love for the first time was scary af, but he knew you weren’t scared of him. More of the possibility of screwing your chanced with him up

(A/N) This is not entirely, but somewhat partially inspired by The Neighbourhood's song "Scary Love", as I'm slowly starting to psych myself up for attending their concert this week and this is one of my favorites off of their most recent album.

Everything seemed so, so scary in the beginning.

First, it was the sudden realization that your eyes trailed over to where he sat at in the very back of the room way too often. Way too often for it to be considered an accident or an unintentional amount of looks, at least. Each time, he wouldn't notice anything to be off, would just occasionally turn his head when talking to a coursemate or when in need for peaking at somebody else's notes. Completely unaware of somebody watching him subtly.

At those rare moments when his head somehow shot into your direction, your eyes would go wide and you'd look elsewhere. Sometimes it resulted in brief eye contact before you'd frantically turn your head, but you assured yourself that it was fine, he wouldn't think anything of it. He didn't know you. He probably wouldn't think that anybody he didn't properly know would notice him in first place.

And that would scare you. The fact that he might notice that you'd noticed him in this absurd mass of people.

Then there was the fact that everything about him seemed to spark some sort of interest in you recently. There wasn't anything particularly noteworthy about him, or at least it seemed like there shouldn't be, since he was rather quiet, not too quiet but not a loud conversationalist either, often passive when it came to social interactions or activities, without any noteworthy study achievements under his belt, without much intention to shine among his fellow coursemates. His face, though not lacking defined lines and magnificently sharp bone structure, according to beauty standard, wasn't the one of a model's, and his slightly shortish frame seemed to always disappear in the masses.

Still, he was noticeable. He may not be everyone's cup of tea, but he certainly had a charm to him that others did not possess, even when he was showing up to lectures in stretched out sweatpants, oversized tent-like shirts and a bedhead. He was your cup of tea. It was hard to tear your eyes away from the sight.

And that's what truly scared you. The fact that one second you were trying to get by with your life, trying not to drown, trying to make yourself believe that everything was alright even though you knew it certainly wasn't, and the next thing you know you're daydreaming about him. About him coming up to you, smiling a little. Sheepishly sliding his fingers in between yours as the fingertips of his other hand tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear before caressing your cheek. Him, after seeing you curled pouty lip and tired eyes, just cradling the back of your head with a large, warm hand, and pulling you into his chest, or, well, shoulder - you always tended to imagine him a little taller than he actually was, but only by accident, and re-imagined everything the second you spotted your mistake. And from then on the daydream sort of evaporated. One moment he was there, holding you tightly and calmly like an island in the middle of an upcoming storm, and the next moment you were back in class, alone.

You never dared to imagine more than that. For various reasons.

Thing is, you felt like you were obligated to not need anybody's comfort. You'd lived for so long without it that you felt it was only logical to go on that way. It was stupid, really, the way most humans were made to long for attention even when they could live without it just fine. You fell into that little tiny part of society that longed for something they had restrained themselves away from. That was your everyday.

But the warm feeling that spreads across your cheeks when you're walking through the hallway right behind him or the thumping of your heart when he was near, your mind telling you not to look despite knowing you wouldn't listen anyways - it was all there. The only signs that were required for you to realize.

It was scary, developing feelings for somebody. Especially when it was your first time doing so, and when that somebody was as far away from you as Pluto was from the Sun. Light years away, light years ahead. Ethereal and unreachable and just an object to admire.

Sadly, admiring him from afar was a bit more challenging than first anticipated. What did you expect from somebody with zero high school sweetheart experience, not even a clue how it was to a find interest in somebody? A few unaware stares and shy remarks later, word started to spread around campus that (Y/N) had a crush on Jongup.

But it wasn't supposed to be this way. No one should've known about it. It was your secret. You weren't right for him anyways, what was there so special about you that he could possibly take interest in? Deep down in your heart, you wanted to believe it was nonsense. Partially at least. You didn't want anything to do with him. He stressed you out more than anything, and you were alright with just admiring him from afar. You didn't even want to imagine him hearing about the rumors in first place.

He did. And he shrugged them off. And it broke your heart.

One would think he'd have to react somehow, but he didn't. The naive little part of you was devastated not to see him glancing, not to see him approaching, but what did you expect? There was no obligation for him to do so if he wasn’t interested. He still acted like you didn't exist. He only knew your name. He didn't seem like he needed to know more than that. Although maybe he just didn't believe everything he heard.

Days went on. So did weeks, which turned into months, which ended up being another whole semester. Admiring from afar had become your specialty. Even far away at home and parted from everything and everyone while on break, he remained in your head for the whole time, somewhere at the back of your mind, the image of his strong arms wrapped around your waist being too addictive to be left alone and forgotten on nights when you couldn’t fall asleep. The longing you felt the second you saw him on the first day of the new hellish semester almost seemed desperate. It was desperate. You wanted him to notice you so bad.

And it was silly, how easily things sometimes came to be, but he did. Unpurposefully.

"Can I sit here?"

His voice, coming from nowhere, startled you enough to jump at it a little. Your eyes eventually found his, and with a pause that had started heading into the awkward direction, you finally nodded, realizing what he wanted.

(Y/N), talk, goddamnit.

"Yeah, s-sure."

Nice one. Two words, one stutter. Why can't you ever keep it together?

The little tingle in your voice came by him unnoticed, or at least he didn't throw you a glance or rethink his decisions of his today's location. With less grace than imagined, he plopped down into the chair next to yours, rummaging through his bag. In the corners of your eyes, you scanned the area where his usual seat was at. Some other bloke had comfortably nested in there, and by the arms carelessly thrown behind his head and the loud conversations he lead with nearby sitting people, it didn't look like he'd leave anytime soon.

"Crap..."

Before more curses could fall from Jongup's lips, the professor asked for everybody's attention, and he stopped fiddling around. With a tossed open notebook lying in front of him, he narrowed his eyes into the distance, his head resting on his arm. His lip having curled into a little unintentional pout and his cheek a little puffy.

Ten minutes in you realized he didn't bring anything to write with. Was it so hard to ask?

You slid a pen over to him without saying anything. Sort of hoping he wouldn't notice first, and eventually would just look down to the object neatly sitting in front of him, pretend that it had been there all along. Would take it and not say a word.

His eyes did register the movement across the table though. The look he gave you was grateful. A bit of that.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Well done. No stutter this time around.

Fifteen minutes more into the lecture you felt like he was watching you. And not just at moments, but all the time. It made you uneasy and before you knew it, you’d visibly stiffened up. Jongup raised a brow.

"I'm blind like a bat," he explained without much more to it, sheepishly poking at your fingers that were laid across some more words he wanted to copy into his notebook, "And forgetful of my glasses. I hope you don't mind."

He’s just copying your notes, take it easy. Just the notes.

Forgetful of his glasses.. Amongst other things. He was such a mess, but still caused all these feelings inside your chest, so you simply nodded and shoved your notebook a little closer to his side. Another quiet thank you escaped his lips, but you didn't want to respond.

It was scary. How nervous he got you by just sitting next to you. How nervous you felt to even open your mouth around him.

This became a daily thing. He would come, say a quiet hello. Sometimes he'd forget stationery and you'd pass it to him silently and generously. His glasses were more of a myth than an everyday occurrence, but the few times you'd actually seen them on his nose, they'd looked gloriously comfortable, suiting him well. The nervousness you felt around him didn't substitute or cease.

He'd stated your handwriting was better than the one of his previous desk buddy. once he'd even said he felt like he could concentrate here better than there, since you were completely silent and didn't constantly bug him. That’s why he’d apparently come to sit here. Fair point. Conversation really was kept at a minimum for various reasons, and for the better, you thought.

He seemed to hold similar beliefs. Until one day.

The note had appeared on your notebook randomly. As you glanced down at it in question, you were certain it hadn't been there just a moment ago, and threw the girl to your right a questioning look. A forced caught from the left made you jump a little. It seemed as if he wanted to tell you something with it. Cautiously, your fingers trailed over the folded piece of paper and opened it up, not looking over to him.

Jongup's scribbly handwriting was messily covering the page.

"Is that assignment due to next Tuesday? Did I hear correctly?"

Wasn't it easier to just ask you, not scribble a note? Raising your brow at him, you didn’t get a reply. He was looking right ahead, pretending to pay attention... Pretending, because the corners of his mouth were lifted in a little cheeky smirk, and you knew he was silently waiting for your reaction.

You inked your reply right underneath his question before passing it back to him. The next string of text was passed to you less than two minutes later.

And that's how it started.

Scribbly back-and-forth talk was comfortable for both of you. It didn’t really bother you to study, kept you entertained every free minute, but more than that, you could finally talk to him without constantly feeling too nervous to tie two words together.

Pages and notes started becoming too complicated. One day he showed up with an extra notebook, just for the talks. That notebook seemed to be the only thing consistent with him - he could forget everything, just not this. Because, for an odd reason, that would mean that your conversation would be cut short. And it had become a comfortable part of everyday life neither of you wanted to miss out on.

And it was scary, to start talking to him. But his method of doing it eased the situation.

It was a regular Friday afternoon. Last lecture before another weekend would roll around the corner. Your eyes registered Jongup’s movements, his pen once again inking words on a page of your conversation notebook. You let him finish his business, waited for him to sit back against the chair. As the professor’s monologue ceased and he started rummaging for some papers he was in need of in order to explain the final part of the topic, you let your eyes wander across the page.

“Why don’t you ever talk to me?”

It was so straightforward it made your heart race again. Jongup rarely asked anything. You looked over to him, wanting to open your mouth, wanting to get out some sort of sound. It didn’t happen. You lowered your eyes again, gulping down a knot that hat built in your throat. It felt different when you were talking to him through the notebook. The lined pages provided some sort of comfort and safety than an actual conversation didn’t. It was less open, less vulnerable.

You simply tapped at the page, to which he briefly looked into your eyes before leaning back up front. It was so quick, you didn’t anticipate the motion in the least. The moment you realized how close he was now, you instinctively pulled away a little.

“No, I mean as in actually talking. Why don’t you?”

He looked up to you again, seeming closer than before. Had he moved? Had he leaned in more? You felt too afraid to look away, too nervous to keep staring. He felt the anxiety coursing through your veins from a mile away. Practically heard your heart thumping against your chest. Yet he didn’t let up.

“Is it because you’re too shy?”

He didn’t look up, just paused after every written line. You remained quiet.

“Is it because you stutter every time you say something to me?”

You closed your eyes briefly, wanting to curse. He did notice. All this time, he had noticed and knew it. Why did he pretend he didn’t?

“Is it because you think I’m not alright with it?”

Would he be alright though? Wouldn’t it be annoying?

“Are you nervous around me?”

Nearby students started chatting quietly. Briefly glancing at the clock, you figured it was near end of the lecture. He was right. He always got you feeling nervous.

“Scared of me?”

Conversation from all around became louder. The professor was saying his final words for the day, about to dismiss everybody and wish them a hardworking and productive weekend. But you couldn’t possibly listen. Not now, in this situation.

“Do you like me?”

It honestly felt like your heart was about to stop. It was too much.

Before you noticed it, you were shoving your things away into your messenger bag. It was too much. He wasn’t supposed to know, but he knew. He wasn’t supposed to bring it up, because you’d grown used to just admiring him from afar. This Jongup that had cornered you today demanding for answers and the one you usually talked to through the notebook were two different people.

“Wait.”

His hand landed on your upper arm the very moment you rose from your chair and were literally about to run, his voice lingering in the little space above your heads for longer. Most people had left the room by now. You felt the palms of your hands covering in a thin layer of sweat as you slowly sat back in your chair, folded your arms over your lap and watched him grabbing his pen again.

He was writing for quite a while, during which you simply anxiously sat and waited with your eyes glued to your lap. And then, he closed the notebook. Looked back at you. Shoved it in front of you and stood up, leaving you with it. His fingers brushing down your arm gently before pulling away as he left you sitting there completely alone.

For the whole day you tried to forget about the notebook, but couldn’t. Curiosity was gnawing at you, and you finally caved in the moment you walked through your dormitory’s door, propping down on the couch and anxiously flipping through the pages.

There was so much conversation. With your heart beating immensely fast, you found the page he’d scribbled on today.

“Are you nervous around me?”

“Scared of me?”

“Do you like me?”

You stared at the bottom of the page, afraid to flip it over. It was scary, how much you feared he might write you off. How much you feared he might not sit next to you next Monday. How much you wanted him to.

Take a deep breath. Flip it over.

“Because I like you. A lot. I could write about it but I’d most definitely run out of pages, and we’d have to sit here for long. Until sunrise. And then some more, because I have a lot to say.”

It was so scary, to meet him the very next evening after you’d read this over and over again for several times, trying to reassure yourself that it wasn’t a bad joke or a blunt lie. But with a deep breath, you showed up at his dorm room’s door. In two hours time you were walking down nameless nightly streets hand in hand. In another hour conversation was a fluent thing that seemed to never have been missing in first place. In two more hours you were kissing right under the stars.

And it was scary too, but his soft lips moved against yours with such ease and grace that it felt like gravity had given up on the two of you, and you were floating somewhere mid-air in time and space, not belonging to a certain time frame or surroundings. Just his arms. The same arms you’d been wrapped up in all of your daydreams. Same arms that had locked you up safely in them because he knew. He knew you were afraid, but not of him. Just genuinely afraid of doing something wrong, because you wanted this so much, but just didn’t know how to do it.

He never took it for granted and always made it his priority to make you feel safe in your actions. And that’s how the fears started to cease.

Now, more than just a few years down the line, you looked back at that time with the fond smile of all playing across your lips. The photographs you’d finally finished sorting were now sitting in a fresh, new photo book, and you rose from your comfortable position on the bed, heading towards the commode to store it away in a safe place.

The front door creaked open and closed with a loud thud. Your smile didn’t fade as you instinctively headed for the bedroom door, and then to the hallway, running a hand through your messy hair.

Memories kept flooding you. Of all those times when he said it was alright, of all those times when he mended your worries and calmed your nerves. All those times he took your shaky fingers in between his and told you that you couldn’t do wrong, all those times you were uncertain he said that he’d lead, and all you had to do was follow. All your past and your present, everything that would follow.

“Hey,” he instinctively smiled a little as he saw you appearing in the hallway, kicking off his shoes and hanging up his jacked before he turned back to you, his eyes softly gazing you up and down. Your fingertips ghosted over his cheek before wrapping around the nape of his neck, almost getting tangled up in the collar of his shirt. It was the ring’s fault, you thought.

You’d told him that the engagement ring was way too big already dozens of times, but he said that no other ring he’d ever seen was worthy of being put on your finger. You remember the way you cried when he put in on that same finger for the first time, remembered how your hands kept trembling until he took them in his own warm ones and held them tightly. How you choked up and he hugged you, chuckling at your outburst of emotions. There was nothing to cry about, he reassured. You could continue being happy from then on.

That was two years ago.

Your lips locked with his gently, like they did back then. Like they always did. His hand trailed down your arm, down your shoulder before finally hooking around your waist. You still felt the cold trail his wedding ring left across your skin, and smiled at that as well.

The wedding was teary too, and despite all that, you remember how you couldn’t stop smiling. It was the happiest day of your life. With all your friends, all your relatives, a beautiful beach, a blown-off into the water veil, a cake-faced Jongup sharing his toothy and slightly crooked smiles with you, a night of laughing and opening presents and cuddling into the sunrise. Breakfast in bed. You calling him hubby for the first time and him making a grimace. Those things started back then and haven’t ceased yet.

That was a year ago.

“How are you feeling?”

You chucked a little over his never-fading worry. But he wasn’t the only one who was worried, through for the first time in your life, you felt like you were less worried about something than him. Even if it probably should be the other way around.

“You keep asking the same question all over again.. I’m fine, Uppie, not any different from normal and usual. You worry too much.”

His large, warm hand gently rested against your middle, his eyes immediately obtaining a certain spark as his forehead pressed against yours and he looked down. You hadn’t announced it to anyone yet, not your friends or relatives or anyone, because you were still in the stage of trying to believe it yourselves. The gentle, still barely-there curve that was slowly forming where his palm laid now was real, and it was of most importance. It was so small still, so unnoticeable, sometimes he asked himself if it was maybe just a figment of his imagination. But there was proof, and more important than that, he could feel it. A new life starting to blossom right there, one he was responsible for. One he wanted to take care of.

“I have all the rights to worry,” he answered quietly, smiling as he looked back up to meet your eyes, “It’s a new experience for me too, I have all the rights to be worried about you and our little bean.”

Memories. Memories of the ever-so-brave Jongup and the always slightly scared you arose and didn’t leave. You felt a certain warmth spreading across your chest as you looked back at him, back at the man who had given his all to you. His youth and his time, his efforts and his resources, his love, for god’s sake. His back to hide behind, his chest to bury your nose in, his hand in marriage, and so much more than that.

“Does it scare you? The uncertainty of the future? The changes we’re about to experience?”

You’d expected him to catch onto the reference, to laugh at it a little perhaps. But instead, he simply bit his lips and nodded, staying untypically serious.

Yes, he was somewhat scared of the future. But more than that, he was absolutely thrilled for it.

“But I don’t mind being scared, because I’m with you. And you constantly give me all the courage I’ll ever need.”

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feed-my-reads · 2 years

Text

Jessica Redland Author interview

A little introduction:

I’m Jessica Redland and I live in Scarborough, North Yorkshire, with my husband, our almost 15-year-old daughter and a 5.5-year-old sprocker spaniel called Ella who still thinks she’s a puppy. I’ve nearly always worked in HR, specialising in recruitment and training, but fulfilled my dream of becoming a full-time author in summer 2020 thanks to my amazing publishers, Boldwood Books, who have completely changed my life.

I’m a stationery addict with a notepad obsession who loves chocolate (although it doesn’t love me), hedgehogs, 80s music, collectible teddy bears and lighthouses. Many of these feature in my stories!

When did your love of books begin?

I’ve been a keen reader for as long as I can remember. As a child, I devoured Enid Blyton books, particularly the Faraway Tree, Famous Five and Malory Towers series, reading them all over and over again. I used to love trips to the library to borrow more books although I kept coming back to my favourites

When did you start to have the wish to become an author?

So many authors talk about it being something they’d always wanted to do but it never entered my head until quite late on. I loved reading and I loved writing stories in English but I never put the two together. Being an author never entered my head as an option; it was something other people did for me to read!

When I was 30, I was a Graduate Recruitment and Development Manager and had to write reports quite often. My manager once joked that they read more like stories and I should write a book. It was a lightbulb moment. I knew at that moment that I absolutely wanted to write a book and couldn’t believe I hadn’t considered it before. Big problem, though – I had no ideas for a story! Something then happened in my personal life that made a great premise for a book and I spent the next decade, on and off, learning my craft while writing my debut book.

What would you say to those wanting to become an author?

Ooh, so many things! The biggest is that, if you want to write a book, write it! It’s so easy to make excuses, particularly around lack of time, but you have to make time. I had a demanding full-time day job, a family and other responsibilities when I started writing but I stopped watching TV and wrote on my train commute to gain back as much time as I could.

I’d say read avidly within your chosen genre but with a critical head on. Think about which books you’ve absolutely loved, which you’ve found average, and which you’ve struggled to gel with. Why was this? What worked/didn’t work?

Being a good writer in everyday life and being a good fiction writer isn’t the same thing so you do need to study your craft. There are so many ways of doing this from how to blogs/books/videos to night classes to degrees so find what works for you. You don’t need a degree in English or creative writing to be an author but you do need to understand how to write.

And the final thing I’ll say for now is to build your resilience because you will need it. I secured a publishing deal after going through the rounds of rejections but they sadly ceased trading. With my rights back, I became an indie author but failed to make much impact. It was draining holding down a full-time job, writing around that, and hoping the next book would be the one which would finally make the difference. Two years ago, I was fortunate enough to find my home with the fabulous Boldwood Books and everything completely changed. Phew!

The ‘j’ word and ‘r’ word have become a bit of a cliché but they’re perfect for describing becoming an author – it really is a journey and a rollercoaster ride full of highs and lows – so strap yourself in because it’s going to be bumpy! But it is so worth it!

Tell us about your books:

I write uplifting stories of love, friendship, family and community set in Yorkshire. So far, I’ve had two key settings – the North Yorkshire seaside town of Whitsborough Bay and Hedgehog Hollow, a hedgehog rescue centre in the Yorkshire Wolds.

There’s always a romance in my books but it isn’t always central to the story. Readers will meet new friends who’ll raise a smile and perhaps draw a few tears. I adore my characters so, if they do find themselves reaching for the tissues, never fear as I promise they’ll always be left with a heart warming happy ending.

I have 13 books out so far, 10 of which are set in Whitsborough Bay. Some of these are in a series and some aren’t a series but are connected. Prolific readers who love to devour a backlist are best to read them in a particular order to avoid spoilers. Those who just want to dip in will find that they all work as standalone stories with no cliff hangers although it’s a much richer experience reading the ‘Welcome to Whitsborough Bay’ series of four books in order as they feature the same characters and the story builds across the series.

For Hedgehog Hollow, there have been three books released so far in a six-book series. Each book is a complete story but they do have cliff hangers as a tease for what’s coming in the next book. I would very much encourage readers to approach them in order as they are a proper series where some themes will build across the six books and won’t be fully resolved until the end.

What do you love about the writing/reading community?

It’s such a supportive community. Bloggers and reviewers are so passionate about what they do and can be instrumental in helping an author’s visibility. I get so many gorgeous messages from readers which make my day and I particularly love it when a reader tells me how a book has resonated with something in their own life.

I’ve come across so many amazing authors and I love how eager the writing community is to support and promote each other’s work and congratulate each other on success.

If you could say anything to your readers what would it be?

Thank you so much for reading or listening to my stories. I am so incredibly grateful to anyone who has taken a chance on them and has embraced the world of Whitsborough Bay and/or Hedgehog Hollow. Thank you for kind reviews, lovely messages, and recommendations to friends and family. Recommendations are the most powerful gift a reader can give an author and I appreciate every single one. You’re all superstars xx

Where can people connect with you?

I’m most active on Facebook but even that fades when I have a deadline, but here’s all the socials:

Website:

https://jessicaredlandauthor.com

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/JessicaRedlandAuthor

Redland’s Readers (Facebook group exclusive for fans of Whitsborough Bay and Hedgehog Hollow):

https://www.facebook.com/groups/409519133635791

Twitter: @JessicaRedland

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/jessicaredlandauthor/

Pinterest:

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/jessicaredlandauthor/boards/

#author #authors #writer #writers #writing community #book #books #book blog #book blogger #book community #feedmyreadscommunity #reading #author interview

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burorahoshikein · 6 years

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Cookies - Part 2

Characters: Fem!Reader, Joshua

Word Count: 1158

Genre: Romantic

Warning: No warnings

Summary: Finally a sweet company of his.

Main post

“Is there a time you don’t have even a cookie on the plate?”

That’s a one undeniable question, every time you run out of the cookie, you would either go to the booth and ask Aleena to make another 2 or 3 cookies, or the workers — not just Aleena – would notice the absence of the cookies on your plate and would get another for you. Oddly, questions started forming inside your head; questions like how does he know? Was he secretly observing you? No, that sounds kind of silly and impossible, maybe when Aleena or the other workers made your cookie, he asked them who are those for aka he knows it from the staff, let’s not ignore the fact he’s a part-timer here.

You let out a sheepish chuckle, “You made your point but, I left my stuff there and it is pretty messy…” His eyebrows slowly furrowing, soft pout forms on his small lips, and the worse part, his eyes freaking twinkling. It doesn’t take long time for him to maintain such expression in his eyes, he looks down and letting out a sigh, guess he won’t fight for you to sit with him.

“Okay then, I don’t want your books and stationeries to be stolen.” He looks up and playfully gives you a wink, how his beautiful cat eye curve and the other one looking at you so bright it makes you want to stay, but your ego and pride holds you back from saying out loud that you actually changed your mind. As you take a step further and towards your spot, the regret inside you grow bigger and bigger, how you should just say yes and expect he won’t beg for you to stay — not beg exactly, pretty much just taking the second shot.

As you sit on the chair, you think yourself as a fool thanks to the regret. You clean your desk and what? Scrolling aimlessly on your Twitter or Instagram? Silently fangirling and liking every picture of your bias? Drawing; while you know you’re not that good at drawing? Continue reading the book you’re no longer have any interests in? Sure, it would be entertaining for the first 5 minutes but what you’re going to do than finishing your cookies and watching on how Aleena works at the booth? A sweet company of Joshua and having some little chit chat while you finish your cookies is indeed a great idea, but what can you do? You turned his offer to sit with him down. You wish you could just shrug off the ego out of you and walk shamelessly to his spot. But you know you can’t. All you could do is just hoping he would magically sit with you on your spot.

And there he is, the slim figure of his is visible from your spot, standing on the booth ordering something — or discussing about something with another staff. With his black jeans tight to his slim legs and his grey jacket sleeves rolled up, that man could kill anyone; he could kill you. He took a scan to the surroundings, but quite more like adoring his paintings. His sight stops at you while you unconsciously staring at him softly, pulling both of his lip corners up to his eyes, forming a gorgeous curve both on his eyes and his lips. If you aren’t caught in a daydream yet, you are now. Even you drown in it.

“What were you staring at?” His soft voice drags you out from your daydream. Your eyes don’t meet with his as the first time you regain your consciousness back, but to his hands; his left hand is holding a cup of red velvet latte, and the other hands you a small tin foil of crème brûlée.

“Thank you… How do you know-“ For the past days you only had the dessert in your mind, you thought of nothing else but crème brûlées.

“I can read your mind,” your eyes widen slightly, as if you really believe he could. “No, I’m just joking. Lucky guess I think?” This brat. He chuckles softly after you hit his cap playfully. Is that what heaven sounds like? You both then engaged in a light conversation, but frankly you can tell it’s going to be a deep one. He throws you some questions that’s not that common to be asked to someone you just met, such as what is your sleeping habit, do you have any bad habits and have you quitted doing them, or what’s your biggest regret in your life. Those may be burdening questions but they actually don’t sound that burdensome when you both talk about it, instead it is a fun conversation, and it doesn’t end there. The game ‘Never Have I Ever’ is fun, but it is a ‘burdensome’ to play with him.

“Never have I ever shat on my underwear.”

“What kind of question- okay I have,” Forced honesty due to the rules. “Why are you blocking your nose I’m not shitting in my underwear now! Josh stop it!” What a goofball. “My turn, never have I ever… slept on someone’s bed.” That one sounds ambiguous.

“Is it okay if I-“

“Not in that way, but like you visited your friend’s or perhaps your family’s and you accidentally fell asleep on it.”

“Oh,” his expression looked a bit panicked. “I have never; wait what’s with the look? Believe me I have never accidentally fallen asleep on someone else’s bed.”

You cleared your throat. “Unintentionally?” Your voice sounds a little bit luring, as you bring your body slightly forward towards him.

“I have ever, but that’s not the question, right? My turn now, never have I ever… been in love?”

“Josh you’re lame.”

“What? You could be never fallen in love before, I don’t know.”

“Yes, I have, a thousand times.” Such questions bring back the bittersweet memories you have with your exes. It was a bit embarrassing, but worth to reminisce for.

“Whoa, and did it all goes well?” Everybody, welcome to the love talk session. You explain him how your ex broke you up one-sidedly, how he ignored you for months and you were stupid enough to kept being devoted to him while he was probably out there, secretly having a new you to admire and addicted of, how he blocked your number and stayed away for years from your sight, and the list of your love life tragedies goes on. Joshua’s expression stayed the same throughout your story; focused and pitied. It was indeed bad enough for you to go through it all — but hey, you survived — but you don’t need someone to pity you now as it happened years ago. You’ve gotten through it already. To show his concerns, he, unexpectedly, takes one of your hands, caressing it real gentle, as if he’s handling a baby, and gives you some encouragement.

“Can I be your company?” Says he.

#seventeen #seventeen fluff #seventeen angst #seventeen scenario #seventeen chapter #joshua hong #hong jisoo #hong jisoo fluff #hong jisoo angst #hong jisoo scenario #hong joshua fluff #hong joshua angst #hong joshua scenario #joshua scenarios

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jooliargh · 4 years

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How I made a habit stick and lost 3kg

Content warning: weight loss; calorie counting.

If you find this article interesting and decide to use a similar method to lose weight, please get proper advice from a doctor or dietitian. I can talk about habit forming, but I'm not qualified to say what is safe or healthy for you to eat.

This isn’t really a weight loss blog, because what could be more boring or unnecessary than a weight loss blog from someone only a few kilos overweight? It’s a blog about how I built some better habits, and found a system for sticking to them that worked for me. But in the first couple of months of lockdown I was moving about less than usual and probably eating a bit more, and the effect of those things was gaining weight (specifically, my jeans were getting tight). So the habits I needed to build were to move about more and eat less.

(For what it’s worth, I find it helpful to think about weight gain and loss as effects of different eating habits rather than problems or goals in themselves since I read Gillian Riley’s excellent book about food addiction Eating Less.)

The Problem

In my job, sometimes when we start a piece of work we use a set of questions something like this:

What problem are we solving, for whom?

How do we know it’s a problem?

How will we know if we’ve solved it?

My answers were:

I’m eating too much and moving about too little, which is bad for my health, which is a problem for me. Also, I want my clothes to still fit.

My jeans are getting tight (even my ‘comfy’ jeans which I wear on days when the others are too tight)

When I’ve adopted better habits that lead to me comfortably being able to fit into my favourite jeans

At this point I needed some science, which meant thinking about calories and weight for a while. I reckoned my jeans used to fit pretty well when I was about 3kg lighter so to achieve that, the energy I used (from moving about) needed to exceed the energy I consumed (from food) by about 22,500 calories in total. Whether it took me a few weeks or a year to create that difference didn’t matter.

The Science Bit

Caveat: I got a D at GCSE Science.

When I talk about calorie deficit, I’m not talking about someone else’s idea of what I should or shouldn’t be eating or how much I should be moving. I’m talking about physics: what goes in needs to be less than what comes out.

Side note: Did you know that when we lose weight, it leaves our body via our lungs? Yes, there’s wee and poo and sweat and stuff, but fundamentally when we ‘burn’ energy we turn oxygen into carbon dioxide. The air we breathe out is very slightly heavier than the air we breathe in, and that’s where the weight goes. I only found that out a few years ago and it’s still one of my favourite facts.

So for me, a 47-year-old woman, 5′3″ tall, weighing 69kg and working at a desk all day, on average*, I’d be burning about 1600 calories a day. (That number is different for everyone. And it makes me wonder where the 2000 calorie target for women on food packaging comes from, because I’m fairly average size for a woman.)

If I go for a 2 mile leisurely stroll, I’ll burn about 150 calories. (Click the link to work out your numbers because they’re probably different to mine.) So if that same day I get 1400 calories from food and drink, I’ll create about a 350 calorie deficit.

The System

I made up a card with 75 empty circles on it. Each circle represented a 300 calorie deficit. (75 x 300 = 22,500, my target from earlier.) When I’d filled in all the circles, I should be 3kg lighter.

To add some accountability, I decided to use different colours for different days of the week. That way I’d want to fill in circles most days, and it might help me spot patterns. You can see from the key at the top of the card, Monday is red, Tuesday is orange, and so on. So if on Monday I ate 1600 calories and used 1900, I could colour in one red circle. If on Tuesday I ate 1200 calories and used 1800, I’d colour in two orange circles. As you can see here, I started with a 600 calorie deficit on a Thursday. (I actually started this experiment on a Wednesday, but ended up eating about the same amount of energy as I used, so didn’t get to colour in any circles that day.)

If I ate 300 calories more than I used on any given day, I’d have to add an empty circle to the bottom of the card. (If you zoom in you might be able to see some very feint circles I printed out for this purpose.)

I've tried numerous ways to be better in control of my eating or exercise over the years and I’ve learnt a few things about what works for me and what doesn’t. This felt like it had a good chance of succeeding because:

I like having data, and I like data to be visible. Graphs, charts, etc. are all good.

I like to see progress. The bathroom scales are a bad measure day-to-day for me because on a traditional diet, what I gain or lose in hormonal and other random fluctuations can be more than I’d target to lose in a week. Colouring in circles should be a good measure because, even though my goal is better habits and not weight loss per se, as long as I don’t cheat, regardless of what the scales say on any specific day, every 300 calories of energy I use that I don’t replace with food will result in me being one step closer to my jeans fitting.

Things which rely on all-or-nothing thinking don’t motivate me very much. e.g. the Seinfeld Method where you have to avoid ‘breaking the chain’. I need to be able to have off-days and to be able to get back on track the next day. If I feel like I’ve failed at the whole task because of one slip-up, I’ll inevitably slip up and won’t continue.

I like stationery and have a lot of Sharpies.

If I had to draw in extra circles because I’d eaten more than I’d used in a given day, it would be a rough, hand-drawn circle and would stick out like a sore thumb from the neat printed circles. I like neatness, so I probably wouldn’t want to do that. (Please don’t look too closely at my colouring in.)

Measuring

Most fitness trackers will try give you some sort of estimate of how many calories you’re burning each day. I have a Garmin Vivosmart 4 which measures heart rate, so it should be fairly accurate. But most Fitbits and similar devices will do it, and if you don’t have one of those, MyFitnessPal and various other apps will give you an estimate which should be close enough to get you started. I’ve also included links to my own estimates from Wolfram Alpha in The Science Bit above, which are very close to what I get from my tracker.

Without a tracker, background activity level (walking around, physical effort involved in housework or childcare or whatever) you’d have to estimate based on whether you’ve had a ‘sedentary’ day, light activity, etc. Being anything other than as honest as you can gains you nothing. As for specific activities (going for a walk), there are tons of places online you can get estimates for walking, running, swimming etc. Any estimate which doesn’t take account of your approximate weight is close to useless, so bear that in mind. There’s no real need to weigh yourself frequently or accurately, but you do need a rough idea of what you weigh to know how many calories you’d burn by, say, walking two miles.

As for energy coming in, I kept a food diary using MyFitnessPal. The free plan does everything I needed for this exercise. Pre-packaged food comes with a calorie count, but especially in lockdown, where I was making more stuff from cupboard ingredients, I was using the meal and recipe functions and having to weigh things. It’s a hassle, but only a minor one.

What Happened? Did It Work?

Yes! Here I am, eight weeks later, sitting comfortably in jeans that haven’t fit me for a few years. I realise 3kg in eight weeks is hardly headline-grabbing stuff, but the point is it worked for me, where all the headline-grabbing weight loss plans just don’t.

Confession: for all I try not to think in terms of weight loss, I do weigh myself most days and I do collect data. Above is the chart from my Wifi bathroom scales, because of course I have Wifi bathroom scales.)

But more importantly, I’ve changed my habits:

I’m being more mindful in my food choices. Do I want a snack after lunch, or do I want to colour in another circle? If I’m genuinely hungry I haven’t been depriving myself, but a couple of times I’ve planned to eat something and then... just decided I wasn’t bothered.

In the first weeks of lockdown I’d developed a bit of a biscuit habit. But within the first few days of this experiment, I’d find myself in the kitchen, thinking about taking a chocolate chip cookie, and deciding not to because I didn’t want to sacrifice a circle for the day.

I’ve been walking absolutely loads. A long walk on a Sunday means I can have croissants and jam and an oat mocha for breakfast and still eat a decent sized dinner. And now a walk has become part of my weekend routine, I miss it if it doesn’t happen.

I’ve been getting up at 7am to walk 4km before I start work each day. I listen to podcasts when I walk so if I skip days then I feel like I’m missing out on my podcast time.

Chocolate raisins are my weakness. There have been a couple of times I’ve gone for a 40 minute walk just so I could ‘earn’ some chocolate raisins. This probably isn’t entirely healthy in terms of my eating addiction, but still healthier than just eating the raisins and not going for the walk.

I think what I’m saying is it’s taught me to make better choices. This is also a big theme in Eating Less - that putting all our focus on weight is unhelpful because anything I do today takes a long time to pay back in terms of a noticeable improvement in my weight. But hour by hour I can make better choices about what food I eat and how much I move about. This system lets me see the effects of those choices the same day. The circles don’t lie - if I create a 300 calorie deficit 75 times I will be about 3kg lighter, however long that takes. I’m holding myself much more accountable for those choices than I would be if I didn’t see the outcome for a few weeks.

Not Just For Calorie Counting

I’m telling you about my calorie deficit journey because that’s the change I needed to make and that’s why I built the system. But you could easily use the same system for any consistent change you want to create. These are the things that I think would apply to building any new habit:

It gave me near-instant feedback on the results of my choices.

It provided visible evidence of progress toward a goal, where progress might not otherwise be discernible immediately.

It doesn’t fix a timescale. It didn’t matter to me how many weeks I took to fill in the circles. Of course I wanted to get there sooner rather than later, but if I had a bad day or a bad week, there was no reason for it to derail me.

I wasn’t showing the card to anyone else, so I was accountable only to myself. There was no point in cheating or lying to myself because it wouldn’t gain me anything.

I found colouring in the circles surprisingly motivating. I’ve always been sceptical of ‘star chart’ type trackers because of the public element. But even though nobody else saw it, I was still disappointed on the days I couldn’t colour in a circle.

Other uses I can think of, off the top of my head:

Being more active: one circle for every two miles walked - if you change nothing else in your life this will make a difference

Decluttering: one circle for every shelf, cupboard or drawer cleared out

Study schedule: one circle for every half hour of study

Guitar practice: one circle for 20 minutes practice

You get the idea. If you try this, let me know how it works out for you.

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my-job-is-to-fangirl · 4 years

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This is such a random post, but I watch a lot of youtube and it’s the best distraction/ way to pass time. I watch a variety of channels, and I’m subscribed to over 80 channels, and have about 1900 videos in my watch later list soooo :))) enjoy. No particular order but I’m doing 20 channels because 2020 (which needs to end right now). I’m going to link my favourite video of theirs as well, so you’ll have something to start with if you’re interested.

fashion and lifestyle

1. bestdressed

I already talked about her in my light content to consume while in quarantine post, but I’ll do it again. She is hands down my favourite youtuber. I had this phase where I was watching clothing hauls nonstop for some reason, and then I found Ashley’s channel. I couldn’t stop watching her videos. They’re fun, they have actual content, and she talks about stuff like how youtubers make money, and she gives the whole truth. Her fashion videos are so inspiring, I love her style, I love how she pairs things that you normally wouldn’t and her favourite word (say it with me, kids) juxtaposition of pieces that would ‘normally’ not be paired together.

She puts in so much effort into filming her videos, and even more into editing them. She doesn’t just do fashion videos, she does apartment makeovers, real talks, everything, but overall a fashion channel. I’ve seen her channel suddenly blow up and I think she had 500k or 600k subscribers when I started, and now she has 3.1 million :’) I want to raid her wardrobe for her thrifted pieces. Anyway, here’s my video pick(s) for her channel-

how to look cute when you’re out of f*cks

the ultimate guide to closet essentials

2. Yoora Jung

I wait for her videos more than any other channel, she just has the most relatable content because her days comprise of (other than her work, which is a lot) scrolling through instagram, watching youtube, snacking, rolling around in bed and procrastinating- I love her. Also her editing is on another level, all her intros are unique and fun. She can literally sit in a chair and talk about grapes for 40 minutes and I’d still watch. Also when she speaks in Korean, its the cutest thing ever.

I followed Jungkook’s workout routine for a week // getting fit with yoora season 1 ep 1

Waking up at 5 AM for a week in college (she works really hard as you can see. I’d never have the motivation to get up at 5)

3. ohnonina

neeeeeeen < 3 Watching her videos makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Not to mention she gives a virtual hug at the end of every video :’) She does GRWM’s, k-pop, fashion, art, day in the life, studying and bullet journal videos. Everytime she hits a new 100k+ number of subscribers, she does a cooking with nina, those might be my favourite ones because she always does a korean dish. Also not really studying with nina I LOVE THOSE.

study korean with me but i actually study intensely | not really studying with nina 14

i made tteokbokki 떡볶이 (korean spicy rice cakes) | cooking with nina

4. ur mom ashley

She does fashion videos, but other content as well. She does thrift hauls, dressing out of her comfort zone type videos, and a lot of content with her siblings and boyfriend. Honestly, it’s a crackhead time when they’re around, especially her younger brother. She also makes what I eat in a day videos and I genuinely haven’t seen any other vegan person at least try to eat foods other than avocado and kale. She makes some nice recipes and eats good portions like a normal person, I really appreciate that.

what i eat in a week as a college student (vegan!!)

REVAMPING MY WARDROBE for 2020 (Princess Polly Haul)

5. Nava Rose

Firstly, I’d like to point out how much I love listening to her talk, I don’t know what it is but I love it. She has some great DIY videos, it is a DIY/ fashion haul/ hacks channel so ya. She does a lot of revamping/upcycling videos where she transforms men’s oversized clothes and makes them cute. I was very inspired by her and I did some myself! She has an amazing sense of style I wish I had some of her clothes.

50 WAYS TO STYLE DENIM | easy everyday outfit ideas!

6. Nuria Ma

She’s eighteen, lives alone some of the time and is possibly one of the hardest working people I’ve seen, juggling school and youtube. When I started watching her I think she just turned 17 and I was going mad wondering how someone could be so organized and put together at 17. She makes her own food- three meals every day, works out, studies for hours, does youtube, and what not. She’s genuinely amazing, also look how pretty she is.

KOREAN FASHION HAUL | Yesstyle

7. Erna Limdaugh

I found her channel only a few months ago, her videos are so calming and soothing to watch. She does a lot of day in the life type vlogs with her friends, morning/night routines and unboxings. She lives in Seoul that’s how I found her when I was looking for Korea content. Her fashion sense is amazing, and her cat, Yuri, is adorable *_*

A DAY IN MY LIFE – WHAT I EAT IN A DAY Life in Seoul | Erna Limdaugh

8. Jenn Im

I don’t watch her makeup and beauty videos because I don’t know much about makeup, but her vlogs, fashion, and book videos are great. I feel like she’s a wise older sister that I don’t have =p I especially love her cooking videos where she makes Korean dishes that her mom used to make. She has her own clothing line too, she does some promo videos and stuff, they’re cool.

What I Eat in a Day Easy Korean Recipes

9. Michelle Choi 최 혜림 (the seoul search)

She deserves so many more followers. Productive q u e e n. My friend and I are always discussing how the hell she can be so productive. She studies, does freelance design work, does assignments, cooks, does youtube, cleans, what is she?? Her videos make me want to be productive but instead I sit and watch more of them =)

(daily vlog) Finals Season: lots of coffee, cooking, + workspace tour!

food

10. Nino’s Home

Really yummy looking food, the babiest cat in a myriad of sweaters, and the funniest captions ever. No jokes, he’s truly hilarious. He has some really interesting recipes too, I think he takes from all over Asia, there’s a great variety of sweet and savoury.

Fried Milk Melt in Your Mouth

11. Maangchi

I legitimately call her maangchi aunty that’s how much I love her. Look how cute she is!!!!!! She has the happiest videos, they can brighten your mood in no time. Although many of her videos include meat, I still watch them so I can perhaps sub the meat for something else. She has a different headband/ head gear in every video, watch for that! I have tried three of four of her vegetarian recipes and I love them. I’ll link my favourite one, it’s become a staple at my house.

Vegetable Pancake (Yachaejeon: 야채전)

12. Pick Up Limes

Her videos are aesthetic, her recipes are easy, her voice can calm everything. It’s a vegan channel. I’m not vegan, I’m vegetarian so I can use her recipes by substituting whatever I want.

Cozy drinks to warm you up

13. Wil Yeung – Cook with Confidence

Also a vegan channel. I love his simple cooking and his style of narration. He doesn’t overdo it with the voiceover, he just says ‘medium sized pan’, ‘2 cups water’, ‘stir’. I’ve tried his gochujang and chili oil videos, they’re so good. I had to make do with what I had but still really good.

HOW TO MAKE CHILI OIL ***EASY 5 MIN RECIPE*** CHINESE HOT SAUCE

14. Zoe 조에

Her videos are so pretty to watch!! She works at her mom’s cafe so the videos are vlogs of that. They have beautiful desserts and drinks too. There’s always a montage where she shows their canning machine it’s mesmerizing xD

prettiest dessert cafe vlog on earth | Cinematography, Zoe, Blessroll (this was the first video that I watched)

Art

15. AmandaRachLee

Bullet journal videos, daily vlogs, productive days, organizing, doodling videos. I started bullet journaling in July 2018 and I follow her themes even now. I think I might have skipped two or three themes because I didn’t like them but bullet journaling is a huge part of my routine and I don’t know what I did before that. Also it makes me feel better about my stationery addiction when I watch her videos. She’s worse than me so I feel good. I love her stationery hauls.

Korea Stationery Haul! (HUGE Giveaway!)

16. cup of jasmien

The one and only art student I am subscribed to. She is SO talented, her paintings are great, but I appreciate her pen and ink pieces the most. Her videos are usually paint with me’s, a week/day of art school or travel vlogs.

before art school went online haha…

17. milkcloud

milk and cloud are two sisters xD They have painting videos, vlogs, lots of unboxings. Very nice to play in the background while doing something. Also they play k-pop piano covers for their videos.

finding joy in little things / a vlog

Books

18. BookswithEmilyFox

I watched a lot of book youtubers and she is the most honest one out there. If she hates a book she will say h a t e not put it lightly by saying it was okay. I read some of the books she recommended and I actually loved them, so I put her here because I can trust her reviews.

JANUARY BOOK HAUL 2020 + HUGE BOOKOUTLET UNBOXING! || Books with Emily Fox

Random

19. Banana Milk

This is so random but has provided me with several hours (minutes) of entertainment. She makes NCT crack videos they’re brilliant I swear. Please wait for the end of the video for the outro it’s the best part. Linked my favourite video.

Literally just NCT ruining twilight for two minutes

20. Buzzfeed Unsolved Network

Do I even have to talk about them?? I can binge their videos for hours, especially the supernatural ones. They’re freaking scary but I will watch them all. They go to real haunted places with their cool equipment (and holy water). I’ll link two of the ones that creeped me out the most.

Return To The Horrifying Winchester Mansion

3 Horrifying Cases Of Ghosts And Demons

my favourite youtube channels (20) This is such a random post, but I watch a lot of youtube and it's the best distraction/ way to pass time.

#blog #blogger #blogging #love #writing #youtube

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