#I'm not trying to get attention and I'm fine I just need to vent bc I can't sleep | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

idyllic-affections · 1 year

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i just read both of your muichiro works and I’m really impressed 😭😭💓, so I would like to request some thing. What would the reader (gender neutral pls) have to do to cheer giyuu,obanai and muichiro when they are is sad

what might one need to do to raise the hashiras' spirits?

summary. how do you comfort the hashiras?

trigger & content warnings. no applicable warnings.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. reverse comfort. muichiro tokito & reader, kyojuro rengoku & reader, tengen uzui & reader. 0.7k words. no pronouns for reader.

author's thoughts. hello lovely!! thank you so much. muichiro is like... my favorite ever, so recieving praise for the content i write of him is so heart-warming <33 on a more serious note, please please remember to read my rules before requesting. like any writer, i have boundaries. it states who i do and don't write for, and as of right now, i'm just not comfortable writing for giyuu or obanai. i replaced them w/ kyojuro and tengen. muichiro's is the longest though bc i love my son <3333 also this is kind of a different writing style than my usual content? if you guys like it enough i might try to use it more often.

T. MUICHIRO—

oh this boy. this poor boy.

i like to think that he goes through random bouts of sadness and frustration, especially before he regains his memory; he doesn't even know where his deep-seated rage towards demons come from! that fact just perpetuates his frustration. he can't understand why he's so angry and that only serves to anger him more.

also, let's not forget that he's a child. he is a fourteen-year-old child. he has a hard time processing his feelings and working through his trauma alone. children need love and support, love and support that he does not get enough of.

(the other hashira try their best, but let's be honest—they're all always so busy. they wouldn't realistically have time to attend to the emotional needs of a child.)

i don't care how independent canon muichiro seems to be.

he is a child. he grew up too fast.

to ease his soul, i think the best course of action would simply be to dote on him.

he needs the attention. he really does.

dote on him.

brush and braid his hair (braiding it would have practical value, after all!) with his permission, cook for him... just small, familial gestures.

he may or may not cry.

if he does, squeeze his hand and run your thumb over his knuckles. he's like a cat; do not make any further contact unless he initiates it first.

he probably won't vent because he doesn't know what's upsetting him. just let him cry it out. don't expect an explanation (and don't be surprised if he forgets about his breakdown soon after it happens).

give him a lil forehead kiss. he deserves it.

R. KYOJURO—

kyojuro is an interesting one!

i personally think that doing little domestic things with him would be a good way to cheer him up.

or even just doing things with him, spending time with him.

take a walk! go out to eat! make friendship bracelets! any activities done together are always a good bet with kyojuro.

simple little gestures are definitely the way to go, too. he's got a big heart. it's really not too hard to cheer him up, as long as your efforts are genuine.

also, definitely give him a big hug. he'd love that. squeeze him like your life depends on it. it won't hurt him; he's a hashira. he'll be fine.

i headcanon that he's a very good cook!

he is, however, a disaster with baking.

doing things like cooking and baking with him would raise his spirits so so effectively. trying to teach him how to bake would be really good for making him laugh, because i guaruntee that you & him would end up covered in flour and shit like that LMAO

be sure to listen to him talk if he decides on opening up. he'll appreciate having someone that listens.

U. TENGEN—

we all know this man is flashy and loud!

because of this, i think the best way to cheer him up would actually just be sitting in the silence with him.

no words, nothing. just calm silence between two friends.

observe the stars at night with him. listen to the wind rustle leaves and blades of grass.

anything that's simply low effort and relaxing would be good for him, i think. he's got so much energy all the time. tengen spends so much time being... loud and—obviously—flashy.

because of that, every now and then, he needs quiet time to recover.

he needs to decompress sometimes.

like kyojuro, i think he'd appreciate a good hug too. in his case though, it would be best and most effective to hug him once he's feeling better, not while he's feeling bad.

with his permission, massage the tension out of his shoulders. that would help too.

really, he just needs a judgement-free safe space in which he can wind down. i don't imagine him as the type to vent, so that's not something he'd be doing. he just needs someone who understands his need for the quiet, someone who won't pressure him to open up when he just isn't ready to.

he just needs a friend to be there for him.

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

#aphelion's headcanons 🌸#platonic demon slayer x reader #platonic kny x reader #demon slayer x reader #kny x reader #muichiro tokito x reader #tokito muichiro x reader #rengoku kyojuro x reader #kyojuro rengoku x reader #uzui tengen x reader #tengen uzui x reader

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0kayblue · 1 year

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Hiiiii! I'm typically a v happy n upbeat person but lately I've just been not feeling like myself. I'm always trying to make people laugh and it's always made me so happy when ppl even express that I light up a room :')) But I guess I feel like I haven't been that light for a bit, and I've just been in my head and I just feel like I've been burdening people or maybe I talk too much and it's just been making me really sad. And I feel bad for venting to people so I've just been handling everything on my own aaaaa. I was wondering if you could create an angst to fluff scenario with leon given the information I gave if possible :')? Happy ending ofcofc!! And if you are to write this ask, if you could include some kind of climax where the reader is breaking down (bc I'm a very emotional person n I'm v sensitive n cry super easily) Pls don't be shy to make it as long as you'd like! I love your work sm 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 and I hope you're doing well!

Light

You are working on getting everything settled to move in with Leon when your parents pop by short notice things start to head south. They always had a knack for making things go from bad to worse.

Main Character Relations: Leon Kennedy x reader (romantic)

Word Count: 3k (a little over)

Angst with comfort, borderline abusive behavior, complicated family relations, panic attack, happy ending

A/N: Hey, anon! I hope you are doing better these days. Just know that you are loved and cared for. I appreciate you and I hope that whatever you are going through leaves you stronger than you were before. If you ever want to just vent, do not hesitate to message me. I may not be able to respond right away (or if you even want me too) or at all, but if you need to get it out. Get it out. Please be easy on yourself and reach out to those you trust or authorities if it gets too bad.

With that being said I thank you for your request and I hope that this suffices. I don’t think this is the best thing I've ever written, but it has its moments. Enjoy!

You sat in the bathroom on the verge of tears with your face in your hands. Your tailbone starts to ache from sitting on the side of the tub, the harsh unforgiving acrylic leaving you with no support. You sniffed before finally standing up and moving in front of the mirror. Staring blankly at your reflection.

Don’t. Cry.

You scolded yourself as you looked in the mirror, your eyes slightly red and puffy.

Stay. Strong.

Taking a deep shaky breath you flushed the toilet before turning on the sink. Trying your best to pull it together as you splash some cool water on your face.

You’re fine. You’re always fine. Now go back out there and be what you need to be.

Your thoughts are harsh and cruel towards yourself as you turn off the faucet and dry your hands before you press on your cheeks, trying to wipe off the excess drops of water. This little worm of self doubt wiggling its way in your ear before you take a deep shaky breath. Plastering on a smile you leave the bathroom.

You stop for a short moment before entering the living room, biting your inner lip, fixing your smile to something that felt more natural, and walking back to your former spot. Your ears perk as you pay attention, trying to place the room's conversation before sitting back down on your spot on the couch.

“So, what do you do for work, Leon?” Your mom asks your boyfriend, a coldness to her words.

“Sorry.” You murmur under your breath, “I told you, he’s head of security.”

“I know what you’ve said,” your mother glared at you and you try not to wince under her gaze like you did as a child, “I just want him to explain it to me is all.”

“What is there to explain exactly?” You're defensive, you're on edge, and Leon can more than just see it. His hand finds your thigh and his thumb ghosts over the denim fabric of your jeans.

“There really isn’t much to explain.” He laughed trying to break the tension up, “I handle security for a warehouse up state. Make sure guards are properly trained, know how to deescalate a situation, stuff like that.”

“Interesting. How’d you fall into a job like that?” Your dad asks and Leon directs his attention back to your father.

Leon meeting your parents wasn’t your brilliant idea. You actually didn’t want him anywhere near them for a multitude of reasons, but your sibling let it slip to your mother that you were moving and it just snowballed from there. Your mother immediately jumped on your case and your father refused to look you in the eyes once he found out a romantic interest was involved.

Of course none of this helped your current anxious state. The last few days have been more than just rough on you mentally and physically. With Leon being gone, packing, work, and your antidepressants losing their sparkle, you were in bad shape.

“It just happened, I guess. The police academy didn’t want me and I had to go somewhere.” Leon laughed as he lied. He barely got through the front door before you were shoving a false backstory down his throat. It confused him and this wasn’t how he wanted to do this. He wanted to be honest and direct with your family about his life because someday he wanted to make your family his family. Things were more than just off to a bumpy start as your dad forced out a laugh.

“What made you guys want to drop by?” You ask, trying to relieve Leon of the hot seat. You felt bad for the current situation you put him in, if only he had run a little late.

“We were out and about and wanted to see if you still were in the place, although I must say it looks better a little bare.” Your mom says as she flips open one of the boxes you had sitting on the coffee table, “You would think to tell your parents you were moving up state with a man you barely know.” Three months, you had told them that you had been dating Leon for only three months.

“I was going to tell you.” You got up, shutting the box and moving it away from her prying eyes. Leon’s concern for you doesn’t go unnoticed as his eyes remain glued to you; watching you bite your tongue in discomfort under the unrelenting gaze of your mother.

“When?” Your dad asks. He didn’t seem mad, just heart broken. At a loss for words trying to figure out what moment you stopped confiding in him about your life.

It was about middle school when it happened, when he told you that it was all in your head. That there wasn’t a thing wrong with you because you knew how to light up a room. You knew how to make people feel comfortable, you knew how to make them laugh; and no one who knew how to shine could suffer like the rest.

“When I got settled. When I figured it out.”

“When would that have been? When this fantasy of yours doesn’t work out and he leaves you?” Your mom spits before looking at Leon with little remorse, “I’m sorry son, no offense, but I don’t know you.”

“Mom!” You yelled at her with your patience wearing incredibly thin, “You are not going to come here and start insulting my boyfriend.”

“She’s just saying what we are all thinking,” your father defends her and it takes everything in you to not roll your eyes. “You’ve said you’ve only known him for three months, Christ, you’re probably lying. You’ve always kept secrets from us.” He was right, but you had your reasons. That didn’t make you feel any less bad about it, but still. You didn’t trust them for a reason and maintained a relationship with them out of guilt.

“We just think it’s ridiculous that we are the last to know. We are your parents. We raised you. We took care of you; fed you, clothed you, kept a roof over your head. We deserve to know about your whereabouts with some man!” His voice rising and beginning to boom with anger; an anger you thought you had escaped. Your legs shake slightly as Leon stands up, shielding you from your fathers betrayed eyes. Seeing you in a flight or fight response triggering something in him.

“We just want what’s best for you and I don’t think this is what’s best for you.” Your mom follows up causing your eyes to shift from your dad to your mom, tears welling in your eyes.

“How do you know, huh? Not like you ever truly cared about anything I wanted.”

“That is not true.”

“Not once have you called and asked me a damn thing with any true merit.”

“How could we? You are always hiding! Responding to everything with ‘fine’ or locking the damn door before we even knocked.” Your dad scolded you, wondering what happened to all those years he told you to stand your ground. Did those lessons fall on deaf ears or were you just up against something you couldn’t bring yourself to fight anymore?

“Because you don’t give a damn about anything serious in my life! God forbid you focus on how I feel instead of how you feel.”

“That is not-!” Leon raises a firm hand unable to stop himself. Unable to watch this unfold for much longer. He silenced the argument while your father was ready to push. It was an odd sight to see your father cower in his old age, knowing he didn’t stand a chance against Leon. Your heart pounds in your chest, afraid for Leon regardless of watching your dad back down.

“I’m going to have to stop you, Sir. I think it’s best if you listen to your daughter and leave.” It wasn’t exactly a threat, more of a warning.

“We need to have this conversation.”

“I agree, but not today. Not now.” It took a lot for Leon to not call this the ambush that it was. He was still talking to your father, someone he still felt like he had to impress regardless of the current circumstances.

“If we don’t talk about it today we aren’t bailing you out when this doesn’t work.” Leon’s hands ball into fist and you almost break but Leon beats you to the punch, “Sir, I am certain that if you utter another word like that I will see to it that she will never have to say another word to you again.”

Your parents look at you and you try to hold eye contact with them, but fail as you focus on the wood grain of the floor.

Your father scoffs in disbelief, “That’s how it is? You’re letting someone else speak for you?” Your father asks in disbelief. He just shakes his head at your lack of a response and walks to and out the front door.

“I hope you’re happy, you’ve broken his heart, (Y/N).” Your mother said, looking at you one last time with a familiar glare that made you feel guilty for just existing.

You hear the door slam as you let out a heavy sigh, wiping the few tears that managed to escape away from your face. No one knew how to get to you like your parents did. Leon turns to you softening as he goes to reach for you, but you step back.

“It’s okay. I’m fine. Let’s just get these boxes sorted.” Your voice flat as you turned back to the box your mother was once prying in. “Th-This one looks like a mix of t-shirts and coffee mugs.” You try not to stutter as you feel his hand on the small of your back.

“Hey.” He soothes and where you find comfort in his touch you reject him as you pick up the box. You move quickly and set the box on the ground near the boxes you planned on taking to his place, soon to be your shared place, if you didn’t fuck it up. You took a deep breath as you tried to talk down that voice in your head that said your parents were right.

“I’m- uh- going to check the bedroom for anything else. I’ll be right back.” You moved quickly, nearly sprinting down the hall.

You felt terrible. You felt like a villain.

Leon didn’t deserve a villian, he deserved rest. He had just gotten back from a mission to be greeted with this. A complete and utter wreck. He left one fight to come back to another and you felt absolutely responsible.

Finally finding solace in your now empty room as you carefully shut the door behind you. You manage to walk to the center of the room on wobbly legs. Your chest aching as your fingers tangled themselves in your hair. Every single negative thought you had and every single self destructive feeling bubbles to the surface. Unable to contain it any longer. The air becomes thin as your pulse starts to race and a sharp gasp escapes through your dry lips.

“(Y/N)?” Leon calls for you desperately, forgoing knocking on the door and just entering. Your eyes lock with his and you try to breathe; try to bring yourself to say something to keep him from overthinking the sight of you absolutely breaking in front of him. The words are lodged in your throat though as he looks at you with complete compassion. Your tears finally spill over as your knees give out and you start to fall to them. Taking in an ugly breath as your lungs tighten and Leon’s hands find your arms, guiding you carefully to the floor.

You had failed. You had broken. You weren’t strong enough.

You sobbed as you tried to hide behind your hands as the room felt like it was closing in. Leon was a mess as he scrambled for your attention, “Hey, (Y/N), look at me. I need you to look at me.” His hands firmly run up and down your arms as he tries to find your eyes. Trying to make you look at him, trying to tell you that you aren’t alone.

You felt his warmth leave you and you squeezed your eyes shut as you brought your knees to your chest unable to place yourself in reality. All you knew was that his warmth was gone and you had convinced yourself he was gone. He wasn’t, he just moved his hands from your arms to your face; forcing you to look at him as you opened your eyes. “Breathe. I need you to breathe.” His words barely reach you, but they do as you nod. “With me, okay? In.”

You take a deep breath in, following his instruction.

“Out.” You let out and he repeats, “In.” You continue to follow as he coaches you through the process three more times. Your body is not shaking with as much intensity as your chest starts to relax. Your ribs are no longer burning as the air in the room is no longer thick, making it easy to swallow. Your chest rises and falls with your lungs as the tears slow, but continue to flow.

“I-I’m sorry.” You get out as your hand finds his chest for support as you begin to unfold yourself.

“Don’t. You have nothing to apologize for. Not a damn thing.” Leon says, fighting every urge in his body to pull you into his embrace. You sniff as he wipes tears from your red hot cheeks. “Where are you?” He asks, trying to distract you and get you grounded.

“My place.” You answer.

“What do you taste?”

“Salt.”

“What do you see?”

“You.” He can’t help but smile at your answer. One hand lets go of your face to tuck your hair behind your ear. “Can I hold you?”

‘You still want to? I’m snotty.’ Was what entered your head and it was supposed to leave your lips with a smirk and you were supposed to let out a light laugh, but it’s not what came out.

“Please.” A simple ‘please’ was all you could muster as your arms wrapped around his neck while he pulled you to his chest. Laying your head against his chest you could hear the beating of his heart. Gentle thumps that help you keep track of time as you start to register that you’re in control of your breathing. Leon takes a deep breath, his own worries settling as you relax against his chest.

“My love.” He mutters into your hair while he rubs your back. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He’s been worried about you since he got back, the subtle things you did telling him you weren’t alright. How you distanced yourself in conversation and weren’t as quick witted as usual. He knew that this episode wasn’t all because of your parents, he knew you typically knew how to handle your own against them.

Letting them roll off your back because it wasn’t worth fighting with them when they’d just make it all your fault anyway.

“N-no.” Your breath hitching in your throat, unsure, “Give me a minute. Please.” Finally feeling your limbs ache from the stress as the stiffness in your form starts to ease.

“Take your time, just stay with me. Breathe.” You closed your eyes and despite all of this, you smiled. His warmth enveloping you in comfort as you felt whole. You nodded, continuing to breathe.

“I’m afraid I’ve lost it.” You joked and he just shook his head before placing a firm kiss on your temple. Sniffing you rubbed your nose on your sleeve as you settled into the calmness of your thoughts quieting.

“No, you’re alright. I’ve got you.” He assures you as your heart breaks slightly. “You’ve just had a rough couple of days. You’ll be back on your feet in no time, you’re too stubborn to stay down.” You laughed slightly and his grip on you tightened. His heart burns at the sound of your laughter and his shoulders relax. He was scared there for a minute that he’d never hear your laughter again.

“I love you.” It falls from your lips softly as you look at him. In times like these he was the light in the dark and he shined ten times brighter than you ever could. He’d argue with you a thousand times over about it though and tell you that you were crazy for even thinking he could outshine you.

You found Leon in one of the darkest times of his life, he was an absolute wreck. He felt so much that he felt nothing at all. All his positive attributes drained from him slowly, as he started giving up on the world completely. He could’ve sworn he was a goner until one day in the darkness of a crummy bar he saw this light. He saw you mingling amongst strangers, making them laugh, making them comfortable. A lantern burning with a light that he would happily stay blinded by just as long as he could feel the warmth that radiated off of you.

“I love you more.” His palm found the smoothness of your cheek as his thumb ghosted over your cheek bone. Examining your tired glassy eyes and the way your brows furrowed in exhaustion as he saw you try to place where he was. He sends you a warm smile before his lips find yours in a chaste safe kiss. Regretfully parting from you he speaks again, “What do you say we call it a day and head home? I’ll run you a bath and you can say as little or as much as you want. Deal?” You nod and as you go to push him away from you so you could stand he only holds you tighter. An arm resting under the bend of your knees while his other arm firmly holds you against him. You nearly squeal as he stands with no trouble as he savors the feeling of you clinging to his t-shirt.

“I can walk, y’know.”

“I know, but you don’t need to. I’d carry you everywhere if you let me.” You rolled your eyes while you laughed at this dork. A triumphant smile on his face, “Let’s get you home, light of mine.”

“I know, but you don’t need to. I’d carry you everywhere if you let me.” You rolled your eyes while you laughed at this dork. A triumphant smile on his face, “Let’s get you home, little light.”

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golbrocklovely · 1 year

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I don’t have a tik tok. What are they saying about our boys 🙄

omg thank you so much for sending in an ask about my post bc… i need to VENT lol

first and foremost, what aren't they saying about the boys on tiktok??? that's the real question.

imma just list the shit i've been either told or saw myself said about snc (but mostly colby).

sam should sue colby for the killing best friend prank (this one was brought to my attention by @xplrvibes like yesterday lol)

colby was molested

colby was sexually assaulted

elton made colby show his self harm scars on camera

colby has a bad relationship with his brother

sam cried being sexualized too much

the fans broke shea and colby up

colby has hated elton from the beginning

snc were talking about elton on the that one video years back (the one where they did the lie detector test on awesomenesstv)

not a SINGLE one of these are true, btw. that's the insane part to me. like…. every single one of these is a lie that i have no clue how they got started or who said them first.

and here, for anyone's benefit (in case you're curious) i will disprove all of these in one go.

sam was IN on the prank and has openly said that himself in the past

didn't happen/colby has never said that this has happened

same thing (granted if you want to make an argument that some fans have almost done this, that's a different story. but that's not what the fans on tiktok are talking about when they mention this)

colby has never self harmed. colby has never had depression, anxiety/has never been diagnosis with any mental illness. he even outright said in a video, EXPOSING THE TRUTH ABOUT COLBY BROCK, when asked if he was emo "depending on your definition of emo, if you say emo is somebody that hurts themselves - no. i'm not emo in that way." not to mention that if this is something that did happen, how come there was not a WORD about it until 2022??? the last time snc collabed with elton was in 2019. there is no WAY this shit could have happened, only to be talked about now with no proof. ALSO colby literally stated multiple times, back on metalife and even in a livestream in 2020/21, that he has never suffered from a mental illness, which is why he doesn't feel comfortable giving advice on it.

literally…. how would anyone know this in the first place? colby doesn't really talk about his family. but if you want to get technical, for a while in the back of his videos in 2020/21, you could see on his record player his brother's bands record. plus he literally went and saw him run a marathon in 2022 so… his relationship with him is fine.

that's literally not a thing at all lmao

shea and colby never dated, as much as shea would like you to believe otherwise. and if the fans are talking about their friendship… they are two grown adults. no one can make them do anything they don't want to do.

snc lived with elton for a full year, and continued to collab with him until 2019. elton didn't even become a hater until late 2020/early 21. so… no. colby didn't hate elton from the beginning just bc he has resting bitch face in some of the videos. if you want to make an argument that elton took some of his pranks too far, sure. but that's not what this is about.

this one is just ppl taking an old clip and trying to make it make sense to nowadays, so i'll give some slack. but again, this wasn't about elton. it was about aaron when they had beef with him for like a week and a half in 2019 lol

there is probably TONS of other shit said on there that i don't remember off the top of my head. but the fact that i've seen tons of these comments and tiktoks saying this shit is true is bonkers to me. idk who is starting these rumors, but like… dear lord above stop.

like i'm literally gonna have to make a snc tiktok account just to dispel rumors bc it annoys me to no end how these fans believe this stuff with literally NO PROOF.

#ask #personal #sam and colby #sam golbach #colby brock #elton castee

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oliveranimated · 9 months

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A vent bc I'm resenting my brothers, feel bad and need to get this out.

Posting this here bc reddit's being a bitch.

I (F16) have 4 siblings, 3 of them being younger brothers and an older sister. It crosses my mind on a daily what life would be like without the youngest two (6 and 3). I don't hold much ill will towards the older younger brother, R (12), just the occasional squabble n stuff as siblings do. But the youngest two I've grown a resentment towards. I was fine as a middle child for the most part and content with my older sister and R, but once the other two came into the picture I've felt burnt out constantly. The 6 year old was born in 2017 when I was in 5th grade by my dad and step mom, who I didn't and still don't live with. This stressed me out a little and I was failing some of my classes, but I brought it up only for it to decline again a little when my great grandma died in 2018. When my brother was born (I'll call him B.), I was happy for my dad and stepmom and had no ill will towards him. I didn't see him often though, as in, the 6 years he was alive, I've seen him for less than a full year's worth of visits. My mom didn't like my stepmom so we couldn't visit much since my dad was working a lot out of state, so we only visited when he was home. After a while, we found out B. was autistic. Now don't get me wrong, I hold no resentment towards autistic people whatsoever, but between me not forming a proper relationship with him from the jump, me not being good with kids, and him being autistic and not developing as we'd expected clashed with me. I've gone sleepless nights at their house when I was supposed to be relaxing and getting away from home life, just because he comes in and turns on the lights constantly, is loud, and constantly takes off his diaper. This agitates me because I'm a light sleeper and it takes me forever to go back to sleep once I'm awake. On car rides I try to stay away from him but on days where it's inevitable, he touches my hair and face and just me in general constantly, and his hands are always covered in chip crumbs as he makes a mess in the car, and I only like touch from a select few people. The amount of times I've had to give up certain things because of his sensory issues drive me up a wall. I can't choose where I want to go for my birthday because it has to be friendly to B's sensory issues, and if I wasn't constantly giving up my childhood for my siblings I'd be fine. But on my birthday where I finally get to have attention on me, I can't even choose where I get to go, and there's already not a lot to do around here where we live.

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somescenecatholic · 2 years

Text

vent post

tw: queerphobia, religion, depression, offing

pls help me and dw im not depressed or officidal anymore

////

grace culture is being tired of constantly having to hide lgbt stuff (especially this tumblr) from your parents bc theu will lecture you abt how I should hide this stuff

their only reasoning is bc you dont see straight ppl do it

UGH I wish they would actually listen to why! I told my dad and he dismissed it and my mom, i dont remember. I love them sm and im sick of this strain. im done with constantly having to hide in fear of them

like they literally cried when i tried getting a chest binder after they said no (this was literally the most dysphoric point of my life ever and I told them tht and they were just like "well u need to love urself more").

I love being a teen but I srsly cant wait till I get out so I can actually do these things and live how I want to. I have good morals and a good heart so ill be fine.

Mom thinks I'm getting too lost in society, yet thtis same society wants me dead and in hell. Like what???? I told her abt the antimtrans kaws being all over the us and stuff and she said "well what does tht have to do with you?"

IM TRANS, SOME MY FRIENDS ARE TRANS.

Not only tht but human rights should NEVER be repealed! And then she went on and on abt how she helped this person and how she sees herself in me.

Since this is how you are treating an extremely marginalized community, I dont want you in me. I love you and dad so much but I just cant do this anymore. I'm tired of lying and hsving to sit through your speeches abt how I should keep lgbt stuff private bc they would like me to do tht and society may hate it in the future (it already does). I'm tired of lying abt how I agree with you when I completely dont. I'm tired of you saying tht "well God loves everyone" when you really arent acting like tht, actually live your life and truly show His love to everyone you meet.

My dad is the same way execept he's not Christisn (he's Muslim but he doesnt go to mosque) and he looks down on gay/trans ppl bc so much of us have bad mental health. hmm I wonder why?? Its the same thing with Black ppl and other POCs so what are you talking abt?? We're Black so we should know how the other feels! And you're a doctor so you should stop this prejudiced nonsense, please.

I want to actually be able to talk to my parents abt anything and everything and be able to be me. I wish tht I didnt just have God and my friends, but my parents too! I wish tht they actually supported me with this stuff bc all theyre doing is hurting me! They say they love me but when I asked my mom to please use she/they (this was when i was thinking tht i was a demigirl and used she/they), she said "uhh no" and ignored it. only my friends helped. When I told my mom tht I wanted a chest binder, she said "what if its too dangerous and hurts your boobs?". I did research and proved her wrong but she still said no!

srry for the long vent but im just so tired of this. Last night, my mom looked at an image I sent to my brother and friends

this one ^ and she lectured me abt the gay emo pride thing. WHY DOES SHE CARE SM?

For someone who's like "well nobody cares tht youre gay", you care quite a bit. Stop trying to convince me into liking or dating guys and stop trying to force me to not speak abt smth im passionate abt.

"well you havent rlly developed an attraction to guys"

duh obviously, bc I DONT WANNA DATE THEM! Guys are cool as heck and I'd be their best friend but not their gf!

You and dad think im doing this for attention but my entire life, I didnt care abt tht. Even when I was a toddler, I didnt care and made sure you knew! Dont you know me better? You pride me in being your first and being your daughter and you love me alot but if you truly love me, please stop doing this. I wanted to off myself and I was depressed bc of this. You're lucky tht I have a strong relationship with God bc He was the reason I didnt. He gave me wonderful friends and He comforted me through His word.

At the same time, Im afraid to even tell mom and dad this bc I know they'll be absolutely heartbroken and will cry a LOT bc of this. I dont wanna see them cry again bc when I did, I felt like it was all my fault and yeah. I have no clue what to do other than keep this a secret from them until the day I die. And after tht I dont want them to go to hell bc queerphobia goes against all God stands for.

pls help

srry for the long post but ive been holding this back forever. This has gone on for 2 years

#vent post #tw queerphobia #tw queerphobes #lgbt discrimination #queer kids #help please #this is a cry for help #mogai #queer #queer issues #black lgbt #black nonbinary #black xenogender #poc mogai #liom #mogai safe #tumblr

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hatersideblog · 1 year

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I truly wish there were as many canon trans and neurodivergent characters as you guys want there to be so y'all could find the representation you crave instead of making a headcanon about every single character designating them as an autistic king when they're just like, shy. Imo being OOC in fanworks is a cardinal sin. What you're doing has to fit within the parameters of the original work, otherwise it feels like cheating at the game. It's more fun when you can keep a recognizable whole even with this new element. Most creators do not intend to code their characters as trans or ADHD or whatever. That is a reading you are bringing to the text, which is fine, except for when the character's psychology and story arc doesn't fit, especially if they have another identity that is explicitly explored and given nuance in the text. Some things are actually about what they say they're about. Don't take the Yentl out of Yentl, you know? It's stretching credibility and misreading the text. It takes me back to sitting through literature classes and having to listen to people who didn't read or understand the assignment talking loudly and being wrong about it. We need more trans and ND characters out there so I can stop having to wade through OOC fic that's really just about the author. If you want to write about your OC, just write about your OC, don't pretend that's Crowley Good Omens. Engage with what's there. Add a little spice, sure, bring an overlooked aspect to the forefront with some tweaking, supplement with a fun thought experiment (what if the cast of Friends were fighter pilots?), even draw attention to a complete absence, but don't just bulldoze over the actual content to flatten the story into what you want it to be.

Like, for example, there was a romance novel retelling of Pride and Prejudice where Eliza moonlights as a stripper. Patently ridiculous. Elizabeth Bennet's whole thing is that she is authentic and doesn't perform for people bc she finds artificiality ridiculous. She's a very cut-the-bullshit character in a world where people have to pretend to be respectable or in love (looking at you, Charlotte "she should have flirted more and fallen in love after landing him" Lucas, how'd that work out for you) or rich so they can get what they want, and that's where the tension lies between her and the stuffy aristocrats and their hangers-on like Caroline and Mr. Collins. She doesn't try to impress anyone and that makes her different. So for her to do burlesque, which is all about manipulating others' perception of her, is at odds with her defining trait. You're writing someone else.

What if the priest in Fleabag wasn't a priest, what if he was a neurosurgeon? That's a new story, my man.

I don't really have a point, I'm just venting about how annoying it is to have to scroll past uninteresting and repetitive and OOC content. At the end of the day it's harmless and you can do what you want.

I want everyone to be able to find what they're looking for in a story without having to paint over half of it. We're getting more and more beautifully written gay and racially diverse content and I just wish the rest of this site's overlooked identities would be up there too. Autistic, ADHD, occasionally bpd or bipolar, ace, disabled, chronic pain, and trans are the big ones I see recur a lot in headcanons and it just sucks that fans have to shoehorn them in.

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crackinwise · 2 years

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I need to vent because I'm afraid I just ruined multiple lives. If anyone reads thru this, please give reassurance or advice.

Backstory: My mom has had in her head that she wants another dog. I'm busy taking care of all the pets, but my eldest dog needs a lot of attention. Whatever, I humored her. Said if the right dog came about then fate would decide. While looking one night, she found a Chihuahua that was cute so she inquired and quickly found out the dog already had a potential new owner. Oh well, right?

Well, a week later I'm bored and going thru the petfinder site and I see the dog is listed again. I knew my mom wanted to try, so I applied for her. Again thinking if it's meant to be, it'll happen, and if not, oh well. I got approved and they set up an appointment for us to meet the dog that's been staying with a foster family. I think it's fine: we're just going to look and see. If the dog doesn't click with us or there's a sign against it, we'll just apologize and wish the dog the best.

More recent backstory: I did not sleep all night out of anxiety and coughing fits, and my period is due tomorrow. My mind wasn't functioning the best and still isn't.

My assumption was the foster family would drop the dog off at the shelter and an employee would put us in a room alone to decide. That's not what happened today. The family was there when we arrived, waiting. The dog immediately wouldn't stop barking at us. I felt resigned this was a bad sign. Unbothered, the foster dad led us to a room set up for pet meetings. Cool, okay.

Barking continued. The foster family sat there with us, not leaving. The dog, used to them and their safety, naturally kept to them. Finally, they said they'd leave us alone. After a few minutes and a butt scratch, the dog warmed up to us. Licked us, jumped on us, etc. My ESA dog, Reeses, was neutral towards the new dog, which was better than fighting but also not the instant playful bond I hoped for as a sign.

Too soon, the foster family came back in. I didn't get to tell my mom in private about my doubts. But my mom was falling in love with the dog anyway, so any negativity from me would make me feel like I was denying her happiness. The fosters asked the big "What do you think," question. I nervously said "I don't know..." and looked at my mom. My mom was confident she liked the dog, but then placed the Entire. Decision. On. Me. It was suddenly my sole call, in front of the foster family.

I wanted to ask if my mom and we could talk it over alone, but right then an employee walks in to inform us they'll be closing for the day in 20min. Dafuq?! Yeah, it's a Saturday, but it's only noon! I felt trapped. Cornered. I faked being happy and confident the entire time we paid and exchanged numbers. The shelter took our picture as an adoption well done, and thank God my mask was on bc I'm not sure how steady my smile was. The only good thing is the foster family didn't look reluctant or tearful to leave the dog, so I'm now only 5% worried I took the dog from a home that wanted her to be family. It still bothers me, but there's bigger fears right now.

Anyway, we got in the car and I kept internally freaking out. My bro seemed excited for us. My mom felt more sure the longer the car ride home went. My ESA dog, Reeses, ...sulked. She was fine with visiting a strange dog but it had kicked in that dog was coming home with us. There was a tad bit jealous growling when the dog wanted my lap, but she's my ESA for a reason and in Job Mode as long as her harness is on. As soon as we got home, my cat ran in fear, clearly unhappy. She later hissed.

So now I'm terrified my actions have ruined things for everybody. Reeses isn't happy, the cat isn't happy. I now have extra work along with my elderly dementia dog. But if I decide to take the new dog back to fix things for my other pets, am I ruining her happiness? Does she believe she found a new home and would be heartbroken if we rejected her? Would she always wonder what happened or what she did wrong? Would my mom ever forgive me for getting her hopes up?

So, uh, I broke down crying and got these thoughts down. Took a xanax too. Maybe I should just sleep. Reset myself. I have a thing about projecting sadness/abandonment onto animals that makes me spiral into some trauma response I never nailed down. I'm a mess.

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frostbite-the-bat · 1 year

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vent post where i overshare and complain about my life below because i wanna distract myself from studying because i'm having a hard time mentally motivating myself to do it !! yippie.

fucking hell only 2 days before my last part of finals and i REALLY dont feel like studying not only bc my mental health as of late aint been the best, my mood being bad today in general, but also just. really REALLY wanting to be over with it. to be over with it successfully i have to try, and i am trying quite hard, but man do i not want to. just a few pitiful days and im over with it. i'm feeling the same pressure as i did when i was about to do my first two finals... i've noticed i'm being a bit more distant in general aside from TRYING TO focus on studying (90% of the time im probably not doing much tbh)

and i just wish these finals were a bit fairer. we have 25 questions, right? well, it's a verbal test, we have like 20 minutes to speak to two teachers who **MAY** ask questions about it PLUS some official we dont know of. a stranger. and 20 minutes to prepare. oh, 25 questions? for that? sounds bad! well, it's only one question! sounds good, doesnt it?

well... you don't know which one you're gonna get. THANKFULLY we have the list of questions available to us - but we have no way of knowing what we may get. we have to prepare for literally anything, because if you slack studying even a singular one, you may get unlucky and that may be the one you're gonna end up stuck with. of course, they will ask questions to squeeze things out of you, and hint stuff...but i am just so worried i won't know. every time i study, there's a bit of something i just... skip over completely. i dont have the time or patience for it. it's too hard... and i spent too much time over working the other answers. like, really overworking on them, with pointless detail.

and that's the thing! we have to say as many details for this as possible... and for many of these questions i can honestly say i'm very confident about answering them! but... the rest, most of this, many of this... it's just so hard. it's too hard. i need to approach it from like... an angle of. just fill in everything a little bit. (forgot to mention, im working out each question in a google doc, as if i was answering it. i will then read through it and study it. re-writing things in my own words makes me remember topics better, and i often re-write a thing over and over for this same reason.)

and just... getting even a bit of something in so i feel fullfilled. but...in theory i should study what i don't know, which is what is so hard. i don't know where to begin. these questions are from all over the place....i always need so many confusing tab open just to answer one question - then close them and get stuff for the other question - but oops! the other half of it needs stuff from the previous ones, great...

and it's just a whole mess, and i am worried i may not make it. well...i did rather well on my actual finals. like, exceptionally well. better than i typically do. like, a B. i never ever get those grades. that's an excellent grade. even if i do not define myself by my grades, it feels good to know i did well on that. but...i know my verbal performance is bad... and for that, it was many topics in one test. okay, study a bit of everything and you're fine. but for this i need... a lot of detail for ONE THING. that i will not know what it'll be. and it's a BIG deciding factor on whether or not i pass.

and it SUCKS. i am so tired. not to mention i have been sleeping less to play games with friends, due to timezones, while attempting to manage my horrible attention span to attempt to study. at least...i am doing something? but i am afraid it won't be enough. it won't be valued. it won't be what i need. i am a person who values my breaks a bunch, and i need them. hell, even writing this was a bad idea as my hands are starting to hurt, making my entire self feel horribly exhausted. i wish i could write down those answers this quickly.

issue is the language barrier - i have managed to switch my thoughts to be mostly in english, and i am a native czech speaker. i really need to read things in czech a little bit more. but just...the motivation. the drive. here my drive is to express my feelings an annoyance, and just get it out of my system so i can focus better. but? for that?

a pointless test, where there is a big chance i will be given something i may be clueless about. i may panic and fuck everything up. and... after this. i do not know what i will do with my life. it's scary stuff.

i both wanna get out of here so i can truly be myself, but also, i have not been taught about life by my parents at all. i need them. even if i wish to escape from them and do what i want...do what i need to get better. glares at my dad. glares back at this post. i do not know how the world works.

i have zero plans. anything i'd want probably wouldn't go through - or they would tell me it's a bad idea, have comments on it, and i'd go back into my little shell again. i'm gonna need a job eventually, but i'd really like to see doctors or something first, because i'm like 99% sure covid from last year cause me to have chronic exhaustion (and probably pains? im in so much pain especially in my legs and arms so easily its unreal. i need to study this more) as well. i can't do shit for too long without spacing the fuck out and trying not to cry because of the pain. i perform badly. i am an anxious mess. however anything health related i ask about is met with "oh we don't need a doctor for THAT" or "oh, stop whining! this is what the real world is like. get used to it. don't sit down, you're so lazy. work hard."

and i don't plan on doing what my school taught me to do and fighting jobs is hard enough already. i am sure my parents won't mind supporting me while being unemployed for a while, but... i know that my dad will pressure me a lot. hell, he joked about it even years ago when my best friend got a summer job before me... and also my parents want me to work at their job. okay good might get nepo babie'd, but uh, issue is! that place works like crazy fucking **12 hour shifts**. i already die at like 4 or less hours of something. what.

and fuck i am so grateful to my friends for supporting me during these times... offering their own help. i am so glad. i am so happy. i could not ask for better people. but... i wish this was more available to me in real life. i am rotting my fucking brain online only because the only support i get is here... everywhere else i am unwanted. and i was never taught to ask for help. if i ever wanted anything...or asked for help. it was denied or ignored... they always say you can tell me anything, if there's trouble tell me, but then you tell them and...

all you get called is "you're so sensitive" "oh boys will be boys" "oh come on get over it" "you have to try harder than that". and!! man. it is hard. its so hard. i just wanna lay down... for a whole year....do nothing. hibernate all that time. have zero life worries... everyone has these, but. i hate that life played the cards to make it this difficult for me... and. a lot of it is invisible.

i hide it. i mask it. or it didn't pop up until now... nobody will believe me if i tell them these issues i am facing. it's not enough to need help for them. "there's others who face more pain and issues in their life than you" "you don't seem like you need it". constantly stuck...in this. it does require actual speaking out, yes...but if your whole life, you ask for the smallest things, and it's not delivered upon...you just learn to stop asking. you know who to not ask and who to ask. it's horrible.

not to mention some issues i can get in actual danger with if it comes out. like i don't know. me being queer? that's one of the main things holding me back this much.

like. once i am done with this school. these finals. if i pass them. i am done. i have no plans after. i am sure i will... find something. it wont be easy. but... ill have to do it. sadly.

no plans at all. how am i supposed to be motivated to do even such a simple task as studying when i know in the end it may not even matter... i hate all of this so much. i wish i wasnt this way. i hate these things about myself. i love being a wacky little weirdo, but. i wish the world was easier to live in. i hate all of this shit. i hate that this world is built to be hard for someone like me. especially since it's not seen as hard enough to most... it ends up making me feel even worse. it's not fun.

i just wish it was all easier. i wish that at least today i could do the things i want. but i dont get to it. it sucks so bad. i have like zero energy left and i have to push through. i have to. or else i wont pass. that will cause more issues... it's. horrible. sigh. i'll....i'll stop now. at least i got all these thoughts out of my brain. i am repeating myself. nothing is there. despite my low energy, and me ALREADY pushing myself a lot, it's probably the most ideal time for me to do something. so. i guess i'll try. only because i have to. i hate this. i'm so scared of the future...

#vent

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thedevotionaltour · 1 year

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i am fine i am just talking it out for my own sake hopefully it does actually end up under the read more I know mobile can be finicky

honestly sometimes u really do forget like. how much a healing cut can hurt like it isnt terrible but it's like clothes can be uncomfortable against your skin and bc mine are on my legs it can be a little uncomfortable to sit down like none of it is massive hurt but it is like more a present sensation than anything else not painful but like a feeling you're aware of and it's like a constant reminder it's there and you messed up and you relapsed. this is also a tangent but it's like I hate how internally humiliating for me it feels to be like a cutter past high school bc it does feel like such a childish form of hurt and self harm probably because of the horrific amount of jokes people make about it and how they reduce it to something so I don't know they reduce it to something dumb and childish instead of a genuine expression of pain and hurt and it's all your fault for feeling so bad on the inside you need to find a way to get it out. Like I feel I shouldn't be doing this still not bc it's self harm and that's terrible but because it's a childish embarrassing shame worthy form of self harm like I'm forever some stupid high schooler who's just a little sad and is therefore gonna be a selfish attention whore about it. I make sure to keep it in places no one can see and even when I would vent about it online in the past I kept it far more minimal bc I didn't really want it to be like Part of me. Like I try (and fail admittedly) to keep it private but hecause of how people talk about it I feel lile nothing but an attention whore. I do other acts of selfish public outbursts instead to be an attention seeker but no I guess this is what really makes me that, my private self harm habit instead of my very public venting to the world where I cry poor me poor me witness my misery because I need everyone to know I hurt despite having no reason to. Whatever I don't even know what I'm saying anymore I'm sorry I hope none of you actually read this far. Christ. I should just start a private vent sideblog already and stop doin this here it isn't fair to others nor to myself really.

#vent.txt #self harm tw

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mywritingonlyfans · 3 years

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One Shot with Ethan Torchio // It's a bit Fluffly, Smut and Angsty

prompt: in which, ethan always need/visit you when he's not in tour + casual sex(?) with ethan tying you up so you don't touch him i'm telling you this but isn't a hardcore smut

warnings: it's smut. a fluffly kinda sexy(?)maybe it's just sexy bc it's ethan smut ig fem!reader

(he is so hot. i'm crying all my tears, and that's fucking pathetic.)

Your head hurt, you knew your face was probably red due to your desire to go home and cry, but yet, your friends convinced you to go out for a drink. According to them nothing was too bad that a beer couldn’t improve, you doubted it.

Somehow, you found yourself happy to have accepted.

You didn’t know Ethan was back in town, you briefly wondered why you didn’t know, since he always contacted you when he was near (or at least that was what it seemed to be). Still, you were glad to see him. He was always able to make things better, even if only for a short period of time; which in your case was very short one as he wasn’t yours to have.

Ethan complemented your friends, they were all too familiar to him. He hugged you, giving a small kiss to your head while sitting next to you. Suddenly, you felt like a stronger drink would do you good.

It wasn’t hard to tell what was going to happen in the next few hours, after a couple of years going through that, you knew the time you spent together would always be the same. You guessed that you were able to put his head in place, just as he did with yours; and that's why he always came back to you. You'd never be able to tell if it was luck or mischance.

“Was it too hard to find me?” You asked him.

By now, your friends had moved to another corner. “I mean, I’m not complaining, I’m glad you did.” You offered him a weak smile. He did the same.

He looked tired, yet deadly cute.

He shuffled his chair closer to yours, letting his leg touch your bare knee. “Not really, Victoria said she called you in the morning, then told me that you intended to visit here for the night,” he mumbled, signaling to the bartender that he needed a beer, and so did you.

“She’s a gossip,” you wrinkled your nose, causing him to provide offer you a nasal laugh that you had learned to find lovely over the years. “But what has been happenin’ in your life lately? You’re good?” You tried to sound casual, but deep down you knew he wasn’t there entirely for you. Something was bothering him, he was looking for someone to rest on.

“Pretty much the same,” he sighed heavily. He wasn’t tired just physically. “We finished the last album, I feel exhausted.”

He looked at you like a lost puppy, watching your face, analyzing if you were in the mood to listen to him, or even if you were okay with having him around. After all, he came to you out of nowhere.

He’d never make you uncomfortable around him, maybe he hadn't noticed that yet. “C’mon, let it all out. I haven’t seen you for too many months for you to deprive me of the details.”

“If I tell you,” he pondered, “ you’ll tell me why you have a runny nose to match your watery eyes?” He poked your cheek, dragging his fingers so he could put some strands of hair back in place.

His seat was now so close to you that you'd be able to rest your head on his shoulder if you wanted to without creating any bodily discomfort.

“I guess life just hasn’t been all that gentle with me lately.” You giggled at him. “I lost my job last week, the same life shit is goin’ on as usual, and when I finally managed to move to a decent place, I’ll now be actually going back to sharin' apartment with strangers, because, y’know, I can’t afford bein’ in there anymore.”

Ethan was quiet for a while, you needed him more than he needed you. Listening to you made him realize how his worries were nothing at all. He knew that you didn't mind sharing an apartment with someone, but the loss of perspective was always tough.

Without further thinking, he pulled you to himself, fluffing your hair and holding you tight in his grip. You didn’t cry, yet it was possible to read your emotions. It was little, but Ethan knew you.

You took your head off his chest while he still had his arm around your waist. Taking a deep breath, you stared at your laced fingers, feeling it slow down. “I guess it’s all happenin’ at the same time, I’m just not sure how to handle it at the moment,” he held your face in his hand, his mouth close to yours as he ran his fingertips over your chin, until his lips were on you.

He was soft and wet, he had the same taste you still had etched in your mind, at that moment it seemed to be all you needed. He let go slowly, distributing pecks on the corners of your mouth, letting his forehead rest against yours.

You two stayed like that for a few minutes and you could bet that anyone who passed by could see how much of a fool you were for him. You tried not to think about it too much, it was better to have little of him than to have nothing. “Ethan?”

“Huh?” He murmured with his eyes closed, giving your lips a tickling sensation.

“Kiss me more,” and then he did. Ethan was holding you in place while your hands intertwined around his neck. You played with the chain of his necklace, savoring the touch of his tongue on yours, focusing only on him while pulling at his hair to hear his soft moans.

It didn’t take long for the bartender to come get your attention. You laughed nervously against him, you were embarrassed because you didn’t even remember where you were, still Ethan seemed untouchable about it. He wasn’t one to be embarrassed over small things like that, at least not with you. The bartender was quite irritated with the two of you and just now you noticed that your drinks had arrived and hadn’t even been touched; he was rightly pissed.

Ethan stood up, lifting you up with him. You looked in your pockets for your money, but then Ethan said it was okay and that he’d pay. You would argue, yet any money left over would be welcome. You held both beers in hand as he paid, thanking the old lady for the service, still feeling your skin burning with embarrassment, and then headed outside to wait for Ethan.

“Are you drivin’?” He asked, laughing at your state of awkwardness.

You bumped into his shoulder slightly, laughing along with him. “I am not, I’m living nearby,” you whispered as he put his hand inside your skirt pocket, bringing you to his side for a walk. “In the apartment that soon won’t be mine… how ‘bout you?”

“Not drivin’, I thought about staying somewhere to spend the night.”

He was close to home, but not that close, it would take about 3 hours to get to where he lives; it seemed plausible that he wanted to stay. “Are you only here because of me?” You risked asking.

“Yeah,” he took his hand out of your pocket and ran it through his hair. “I didn’t think it‘d be a bad idea.”

There was a silence, but it was far from being uncomfortable. “You know you can stay with me.”

——————-

Considering that you were in the process of moving to another place your house was a bit of a mess. Ethan wouldn’t be bothered by that, somehow your instinct of wanting things always in place - aka Monica from Friends - made you wander around the space in an attempt to make Ethan at home.

“What ‘bout the new album?” You asked, dragging one of the boxes away from him. It wouldn’t even bother anyone, but the thought that it would be in the middle of the room while someone was at your house bothered you.

“I don’t really know, I feel anxious about releasin’ it. It’s not that I don’t want to release it or am afraid of doing so, far from that, it's just, I don’t know… ” His voice fell silent, lost in his thoughts.

You turned to him, wanting to ask him what he had said, after all, that didn’t sound like Ethan, you felt as his hands touched your hips, pulling you on his lap. “Y'know I don’t care about your mess, right? Just, please, stop walkin’ 'round the house dragging boxes.” He said with his face close to your neck, hugging you from behind. His warm breath was in contact with your soft skin, providing heat to your body. Well, there was a minimal percentage chance that you were trying to make the place look good for Ethan, just because he made you a little nervous.

“Okay, fine. I’m fine,” you exhaled, turning to face him. He was smiling with his eyes almost closing; he still looked tired, but at least you were improving his mood. “You know you’re good at what you do, Ethan. You shouldn’t worry 'bout those things.” You held on to his shoulders, breaking something that could turn out to be a pity silence.

He squeezed your thigh at the same time as he laughed humorlessly at your words. “I know that. I guess that this is the short time they gave us to finish the album – it was drivin’ me crazy. The album isn’t bad, not at all, it’s honestly very good. Dami did a incredible job, still if it weren’t for the time it could have been even better. That’s crazy how I’m still letting myself get stressed over this, don’t you think?” He vented, moving his hands up your skirt.

“I know it’ll be good, I can’t think of anything you did that ended up bad!” You ran your fingers over his covered shoulders, down to his chest, going to the first open button of his t-shirt. “But if it’s just stress I can help you.”

He lubed his lips, nodding assiduously, putting you properly on top of him. That way, you were stuck to his body, feeling the rough of his jeans along with the zipper against your underwear. You gulped as he held your face, sealing your lips with his. You were relieved he always guided you through that; the leading up part was way better when it came from him.

You unbuttoned the rest of his shirt in middle of sloppy kisses and grips. Running your hand over his belly, tracing your fingers to the back of his neck while moving your hips lightly. You lugged on his hair, pulling him away to catch your breath. You opened your eyes to find Ethan with a deep pink mouth and brown eyes more intense than normal, at that moment you could have sworn that he was the most beautiful thing you had ever laid eyes on. You spread his shirt to the sides, sensing your body getting hotter, when Ethan smirked at your rush, managing to hold both of your hands behind you; stopping you in place.

“No need to rush, we have plenty of time,” he clenched you in his hands. You arched your back, breathing heavily at each touch of his fingers on your wrists.

He ran his nose over your neck, placing kisses and bites on the way to your collarbone, leaving wet tracks that would later turn into dark marks.

Your legs ached from that position, the couch wasn’t the best, but feeling Ethan getting hard under you as you writhed yourself against him, made you want to stay there for as long as he wanted you to. It was crazy to think that at the beginning of the day you were sure that the rest of it would be a pure disaster, and now being spoiled by Ethan’s lips your worries seemed to fade away.

Temporary as that would be, you were determined to give him your all, making his and yours next hours one of the best escapes from both of you. Unnecessary to say that you were lost in your own mind by now, craving for having his strands in-between your fingers, wanting him tugged into you furiously, causing you to ache. Your mouth was ajar, your vision was just white dots as he played with your sensitive skin, driving you insane. Ethan paralyzed when his grip became too strong around your fists and you got louder than usual.

“D’you like that?” He did it again, but this time pushing your body backward. He kept his devilish grin on his face, watching you from top to bottom. You bit your lips, containing your noises to yourself. Such an angel in his eyes. “Up, babe. I need to see something.” He didn’t let you answer, not as if he needed to. You stood up in front of him, legs shaking with your head definitely not in the right place. “Undress.” He rested his elbows on his knees.

His face was serious, and you didn’t see any problem in obeying his voice, but perhaps, due to the lack of his body being glued to yours, you couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

“Don’t act like you don��t like it when I tell you what to do,” He caught you by the hem of your underwear, helping to take it off while you got rid of your blouse. “Especially, when I just got you off my lap, almost unconscious 'cause of some kisses to your soft neck, pet.” He added, drawing circles on the inside of your thigh, smoothly going up to your center.

You felt your breath come to a halt. “You’re just too bossy.” You teased, confirming that your breathing was faulty.

He patted his nose over the damp stain of the fabric, placing a kiss there. “And you love it.” He pecked you a few more times, teasing you by running his fingers on the edges as putting the cloth to the side; never touching you where you needed him.

Almost involuntarily you took hold of his hair, bringing him closer to your core. And then, you understood his previous question, it wasn’t just about not being able to touch him, but also about the power he was having over you.

He cut his actions short and got up, hovering over you. “Tonight, you won’t be allowed to touch me, all right?!” He whispered, tossing your hair behind your ear.

That’d be comical in any other situation, yet with his body and eyes fixed on your frame you felt in his domain.

You nodded, diving into the way he pulled at the hair on the nape of your neck firmly so that you were looking at him. “Go on, babe,” He insisted on having the words he wanted.

“Yes, it’s all right, Ethan,” it was far from all right, you couldn’t do that. How could you go without touching, making a mess of his hair or marking your nails on his back?

“That’s my girl,” he praised you in between sighs.

He was excited while your face was overflowing with nervousness; not out of fear, but out of curiosity. He finished removing his shirt and indicated with his fingers for you to lie down on the couch.

You shut your eyes tight, with his voice echoing 'my girl’ in your mind, Ethan was lugging your wrists above your head as you did what he told you to do. He tied them with his shirt. “Is this hurtin’ you? Are you comfortable?” He tightened it in a knot.

Your head and elbows were on the arm of the couch, only your hands were unsupported. Although you weren’t uncomfortable, it was to be expected that pain would appear the next day; it’d be worth it. “No, it’s fine. I’m good.” You assured him as he knelt beside the couch, running his hands down your torso, making you squirm.

He went down to the hem of your underwear, taking it off with the help of your legs kicking the lace away. “Good then,” he warbled, pattering lines on your pubic hair. “Needy and in your proper place.”

“Bastard,” you swore through clenched teeth.

He grinned, admiring how your breast rose and fell in a quick but punctual rhythm while your hips fidgeted at his touch. You looked like a piece of art he had just created, swollen lips, filled in lovely marks on the collarbone. He found himself in need to concentrate on his breathing while watching you, to control his pulse as he reached his fingertips to your pussy.

“Ethan” you breathed out, forcing your fists. “Go on, please,”

With that, he held your hands, forcing them down and slid a finger inside you. Your lips opened in a sigh and he took the opportunity to kiss you, running his tongue over your bottom lip and nipping it to his mouth, keeping things on a slow pace.

You wanted to hold his hand, make him go faster or be able to pull the locks of his hair until he understood how much you wanted him, but you had no way of doing that, and you knew he was just doing that to provoke you.

His lips traveled over your neck again, this time giving light kisses, blowing air on the soft fresh he had left in there.

“You’re so gorgeous,” he said without even opening his eyes, delighting in your skin as he sped up, now rubbing his thumb gently over your bud.

You whispered something almost inaudible that Ethan recognized as his name. He raised his head, coming face a face to you. “Right there, huh?” He asked, focusing on the spot that was blurring your vision.

You groaned. The satisfying delight running through your veins. You closed your legs, wishing you could hold on to his body, but all he did was laugh, shoving his fingers leisurely into you.

“No, no Ethan,” you looked at him properly, thinking that if you hadn’t been with your wrists tied you’d have slapped his chest.

He wiped his hand on your thigh, and stood up slipping his jeans down his legs along with his underwear. You sighed at him, stretching your arms, staring at the ceiling to disguise yourself. Not that it was necessary, Ethan was already too much of a show-off when it came to you for your liking.

“You good? How’s your arms?” He doubted, getting on top of you.

He had his hair damp, falling over the spots on his forehead. Some of his locks was glued to his chest and his golden pendant dangled in front of your eyes. For a split second, you though about saying that you missed him, but you were wise enough to know better than doing such a thing.

“If I say that I’m not good. Are you goin’ to untie me?”

He pressed his chest to yours, your body sticking to his since you were both sweaty.

“Not even a chance,” He stroked your neck with his thumb, up and down, with a silly look on his face.

You grunted as soon as you felt how solid hard he was against your thigh, he aligned himself in-between your knees, holding on to your shoulders, and without hesitation he filled you up. Your body tingled and your voice failed, causing a silent moan to slip from your lips. His head fell over the crook of your neck and you could feel how dysrhythmic his breathing was. His warm body along with his breath hitting on your neck added a pleasant feeling in your stomach, leaving you dizzy under him.

“Move Ethan,” you tried to sound understandable, embracing his waist with your legs.

He thrusted deeply in you, leaving a breathed sigh of relief in your ears. You stretched out your arms, tightening your thighs around him. He held the shirt in your hands, preventing it from coming loose.

“No, I wanna touch you,” you whined.

“You will, just be patient, babe,” he squeezed your wrists in his hand.

Closing your eyes, you enjoyed the way his body was over yours, every movement and every delicate touch.

He went slowly at first, making sure you were taking all of him before going faster. Once he felt your walls clenching around him, he murmured a breathless 'fuck’, letting go of your hands so that you could finally feel him. You dug your nails into his back, kneading your body against his at the same time as he hugged you.

As you opened your eyes, he was already looking at you, with an intense gaze, building you up to feel sexy and wanted.

Both of you were a mess; sweaty and sticky. You felt a tingling ecstasy take all over your body, your toes twitching as you emptied yourself into him. He kept working on you until his body collapsed into yours, filling you up to perfection.

The last thing you remembered was having your fingers entwined in his hair, patting at it slightly as he whispered sweet nothing against your skin; just like a lullaby.

———–-------

You woke up to the noise of the television, trying to adjust your vision to the brightness of the daylight. Failing to stretch, you felt how sore your body was.

Your eyes searched for Ethan, finding him sitting opposite to you with a lazy smile and a cup of tea in hands, his attention was all on you. Friends was playing on the television, but you doubted he was really watching it.

“Good mornin’ babe,” his husky voice echoed through the room. It was the best thing to hear in the morning. “How’s it? Hurtin’?” He asked when you started examining your marked wrists.

He was fully dressed and although you weren’t, he had managed to get a sheet to cover you.

“Good mornin’. It’s fine, it doesn’t hurt,” you mumbled, scratching your eyes, curling up on the sheet. “How long will you be stayin’ in town?”

“Not long,” he paused thoughtfully. You already expected that he wouldn’t be with you for long, still sometimes you liked to think that it’d last longer than just a few days before he disappeared to another continent. “I need to go home in a few minutes, I’m going to take a flight at night to adjust the final details of the album.”

“Sounds nice,” you wanted to have the courage to tell him how he made things in your life look just right, as if he were some kind of piece missing from your puzzle. “I can’t wait to hear it, hear what your great fingers are capable of.” You ignored your thoughts. He laughed.

However, you truly believed that not saying anything was a wise move.

He lifted a cup from one of the boxes next to him, holding it out to you. “I made one for you too, I hope you don’t mind.”

You didn’t mind it, in fact, you loved the way he made himself at home so quickly. The home that soon wouldn’t be yours anymore. You wished Ethan could remedy your worries for more than just one night.

“Thank you,” you took the still warm drink in your hands, looking at him as if he were part of your decor. “You can smoke in here, I don’t mind that either,” you spoke up. You couldn’t even imagine that he’d have gone without lighting a cigarette all morning.

“The place is all clean, and smells nice. I bet you never lit one yourself, I wouldn’t do that.” He was right.

“Well, y'know that I don’t care about the smell, I just don’t see the need to leave the house impregnated with it.” You explained, remembering that Ethan’s house was a perfect description of that smell, yet you loved his place.

“I know this is going to sound strange,” he started. “But if you can’t find a place in time to live in… you can stay at mine, I mean, you know I am never home and as I’ll be travelin’ you could make yourself at home.”

He said it casually, and you knew he wasn’t lying, if you wanted to he wouldn't even think twice about letting you stay at his.

“No need, I’ll be fine. I do appreciate it though.” you took a sip of your now cold drink.

He bobbed, checking what you thought could be the time on his phone.

“You have to go, I guess?” You asked, your soft voice revealing you didn’t want that.

“I need to,” he gave you a small smile, getting up. “It’s gettin’ a bit late for me.”

“I see,” you went to him, adjusting the sheet on your body, feeling ridiculous for still being undressed. “I guess I’ll see you, right?” You added it while he picked up your stuff on the couch; keys, wallet and the pack of cigarettes. There was no answer for your question.

“Yeah,” he breathed out, heading to the door. “You could come and visit, spend a few days with us. It’d be nice.”

“On tour? Like a groupie?” You wrinkled your nose. His arms wrapping around you. You’d miss it.

He squeezed you into his chest, his tiny beard tickling your cheek. “You know you are much more than just a groupie for me, Y/N.”

You didn’t answer that. He pulled away and for a second you thought he was going to kiss you, but he didn’t.

“See ya Y/N,” instead, he kissed the top of your head. “Think about it, both about comin’ to visit and also about needing a place to stay for a while.”

“I’m sure I will, thank you Ethan,” you watched him, from his rumpled shirt to dark circles under his eyes. He’d always have a special space in your heart. “I guess I’ll see ya then.”

>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<

taglist ( 'cause someone actually wanted to be tagged, i didn't even force anyone😁): @maybanksslut , @oro-e-diamanti

#maneskin #ethan torchio #ethan torchio smut #ethan torchio x reader #ethan torchio imagines #ethan torchio fanfic #ethan torchio fluffly #writing #maneskin x reader #imagines #fiction #fanfic #damiano david #måneskin

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golbrocklovely · 3 months

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i need to vent.

why do people think sam needs to defend kat? i keep seeing people getting mad at sam for doing nothing. why? they broke up and i don’t think it’d be a shocking statement to say they’re definitely not friends. that ‘we’re friends forever’ period of the break up is well and truly over. so why should he lift a finger for her? and if we’re to believe rumours, her new song is abt to trash him to the high heavens. im on neither of theirs side, i don’t care, but i just think it’s immature and dumb for people to be mad at someone for not going to his exes side and defending her honor against something his new beau MIGHT be saying about her (if she has, i havent seen it. but im also not looking)

same goes for colby not defending tess. again, why? why would he? doesn’t make a bit of sense.

theyre big girls, they can take care of themselves. they definitely don’t need men to come to their rescue. its petty online back and forth catty behaviour, no one’s dying. if they really gave a shit they’d all block each other and move on.

which brings me to one final point. it’s utterly insane fans bang on abt m and k being clout chasers, their friends being clout chasers, and all this other crap but then are obsessively stalking their socials. you know that saying haters are the biggest fans? they’re proving that to be true ten fold. if they hate these people so much why doesn’t it occur to them to block/mute and ignore them entirely? they’re just giving them the clout they’re supposedly shaking. “theyre clout chasers” SO STOP GIVING THEM ATTENTION

end rant

little bit of an older ask, but figured i would answer it now anyway

i agree with you somewhat, but i also get both sides.

personally, i think once things end between you and someone you were with, whether it was years or a couple weeks - whatever, that person is no longer owed anything from you. you no longer have to be loyal to them, and vice versa.

however lol

i feel like if you were with someone for years, especially so publicly, it would make sense to defend them at least slightly. bc, especially in this case, snc are known to lurk and to see everything. so they know how much shit has been thrown kat's way. and you would think that if you saw your own fans throwing shade on a person you literally had plans to make your wife, you would at least consider defending her.

tie this in with fans assuming that his now new gf is making fun of kat, and you get a recipe for drama.

personally, i get why snc, but in particular sam, stay silent on shit. it would bring more attention to it in the long run if he were to make a post saying "hey guys knock it off". and i also think that kat might not want him to say anything, and at the end of the day that's her call to make.

i think a lot of this drama is so nonsensical to me. it feels like high school, but in a dumber way. and i've said the same thing as you countless times. if the girls truly get under your skin that much, just block them. it is so easy to ignore them and pretend they aren't there. i literally follow both girls and i still don't realize when they post or what they're doing.

i'm not gonna try to make sense of any of this, bc i simply just don't think like some of these fans. and i'm fine with that lol

#ask #personal #sg ll

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softxsuki · 2 years

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urgent request!! ok hi, i sent one urgent request with platonic dabi before and i hope it's okay for me to send another one. it helped me and thank you very much! can you write for platonic toga or shigaraki comforting a fem teen reader when the reader is having a panic attack about the things her mother did to her? they find her in room or smth like that maybe,sorry i can't really think rn. she just wants to be enough to someone and someone to show affection to her and they show her affection. i hope you have a nice and and thank you! 💕

Shigaraki Comforting Reader Through A Panic Attack

Pairing: Shigaraki x Fem!Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Descriptions of Panic attacks, just sad moods here

Genre: Angst, Comfort

Post-Type: Drabble

Word Count: 990

Summary: In which you mother does something to you which send you into a panic attack. Luckily, Shigaraki just happens to stop by your house and shows up in time to calm you down and comfort you.

[A/N: Hey anon, of course it's fine for you to send another urgent request. If anyone needs comfort, you can send in an urgent request at any time <3. I'm glad the other request helped you, hopefully this one can as well. I don't write for Shigaraki, for the sake of not knowing how to really portray him in my writing as he isn't my fav character (I'm sorry NJFEKA). However, I tried my best to write him here for you. I apologize in advance if he's completely out of character and horribly written. I REALLY DID MY BEST, I SWEAR. I also tried not to vent my own feelings in this bc I'm going through my own problems with my mom at the moments and I could write a whole essay on her rn... ANYWAY, I hope you enjoy and feel better soon <3.]

P.S: I won't be writing normal requests for Shigaraki. This was just a special case, so if anyone who sees this would like to request a normal request for me to write, please check out the list of characters I write for, which is on my navigation post, pinned on my page. Thank you :D

You were home alone in your room replaying the things your mother had done and said to you a few minutes earlier before she left the house. The negative thoughts spiraled in your head until you couldn’t take it anymore and began panicking. Your heart was hammering in your chest as a wave of sadness overtook you and tears began to fall on their own from your eyes.

You couldn’t stop them from falling, your breathing only increasing as you struggle to gasp for air. No matter how much air you try taking in, it felt like only a portion of it was actually reaching your lungs. You needed more, but nothing was working, causing you to panic further.

Luckily, your close friend Shigaraki, just happened to stop by, one of his random visits that he usually made to you. Not answering the door after a few knocks like you normally did though, he got worried and let himself in. Thankfully, your family wasn’t home, so he could walk around freely, as he wasn’t exactly someone your family liked you being friends with.

He hears your heavy breathing and sobs coming from your room and rushes in their direction. You’re knelt on the floor with your head in your palms, a hand grasping for your throat as you gasp desperately for air.

Panic strikes his face and he’s on the floor at your side in an instant, calling your name to get you to look at him.

“Y/N? What happened?” He asks in an attempt to get your attention, but you’re too distracted by your panic attack to even hear his voice.

“Hey,” he places a hand on your back and rubs small circles onto the area, “It’s okay. You’re okay. Let’s just calm down. Take deep breaths and focus on my voice. You’re fine.”

Finally, you do manage to hear him and focus on the sound of his voice rather than what you feel, following his instructions as you try to take deep shaky breaths, attempting to stop the tears from falling. He talks you through the whole thing until you’re able to breathe freely again, your tears now under control as you continue to take deep breaths.

“There we go. That’s better,” he says, his hand still comfortingly rubbing your back.

You look up at him, relieved that your emotions were finally stable enough to face him.

“Thanks,” you sigh in relief, truly grateful that he had been there at the right time for you.

“Now, tell me what’s going on. What got you so worked up?”

You lean up against your bed, still seated on the floor as you look up at your ceiling.

“Nothing new, just my mom. You know how it is. She took it too far this time though,” you explain, the scene replaying in your head at the mention of your mother.

“Ahh, I see,” he hums in understanding as he vaguely knew the not-so-great relationship you had with your mother.

“I just,” you pause for a moment trying to find the right words, “I wish I was enough for her. What’s wrong with me that she has to have such an issue with everything I do and say? Why can’t she be like a normal mother and hug me when I need it and tell me that she cares for me instead of treating me like this. To the point where my own emotions spiral out of control?”

Tears begin to pool at your eyes, threatening to spill once more. Shigaraki takes that as his sign to show you some affection that you were clearly in need of. He hesitantly wraps his arms around you in a firm hug, hoping that you were okay with it. He wasn’t exactly the hugging type, but he was willing to comfort you like this if you really needed it.

“You are enough. Actually, more than enough—at least for me you are. I’m sorry you have to deal with a mother who makes you think otherwise. I’d break you out of here if I could, but I know that would probably just cause more issues for you at home.”

You relax in his arms, almost melting into the much needed hug. You could feel how much he cared for you with every second that his arms remained wrapped around you.

You can’t even remember how you managed to score a friend like Shigaraki. He was a bit older than you, but somehow the both of you clicked and became friends easily--thankfully. He was someone you could confide in whenever you needed to. He had his own troubled past that he told you about, which was something the both of you could relate to together.

“Thanks,” you say again after a few more moments in his arms, finally pulling away.

You sigh once again, but this time in relief, happy that you were calm and starting to feel back to normal.

“Don’t worry about it. Just don’t let what your mother does or says, get to you. You’re amazing, and it’s a shame that she can’t see that.”

“It’s alright. As long as we remain friends, I think I’ll be okay. How is it that you always manage to cheer me up so quickly?”

“Just one of my charms I guess,” he laughs lightly as the atmosphere in the room lifts.

“Yeah, I guess,” you smile.

He spends a little longer with you, the both of you hanging out until you hear a car pull into your driveway. Your mother was home. He had bid you farewell before taking off out of your window. Since your family--specifically your mother--didn’t really like him, he didn’t want to make things worse for you by having her catch him there with you. But as he left, you felt a lot lighter, glad that at the end of the day, at least you had him there for you.

He’d always have your back.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 12/6/2021

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runawaybouqet · 2 years

Text

// vent || grooming mention || s/h mention || MAJOR nsfw mention || other generally bad stuff.

sorry for posting this on my main but like, i feel like i need to address this.

recently i broke off a friendship with a really good "friend" of mine. i've talked about them on my main before and if you're on wii deleted you twitter you might be familiar with them or have at least seen them around/heard of them.

they basically crossed a lot of my boundaries by showing me [and others] nsfw uncensored [that i felt kinda forced into], posting s/h uncensored in my discord server [not even in a vent chat, but a PUBLIC CHANNEL, that EVERYONE could see.] fetishizing the concept of psychopathy/other mental illnesses and trauma, normalizing s--cidal thoughts and to an extent, romanticizing it and overall just a lot of manipulation, victimizing, attention-seeking and begging.

they also straight up broke my trust in them by lying about their mental state which pissed me off a ton. bc they knew i was mentally unwell and i get worried SICK about people. i really like being in friendships where both parties can be honest with each other. and they basically just kept telling me everything was fine. then they join my discord server and trauma dump and i was. so fucking upset, and sad and everything. bc i trusted them. and they broke that trust. and it made me think about if they were possibly lying to me about anything else too, which, turns out, they were.

last year i had feelings for them and in early december we were in a platonic relationship that we broke off a week later [that was completely my fault. i dont hold them accountable for that. for context, they were 2-4 years older than me, and they were,,,, 16.]

and now i'm starting to realize that they probably borderline groomed me. they always wanted my attention and constantly begged for me to send them nsfw that i didnt feel comfortable with sharing with them. they were really demanding with me and if i didn't do what they wanted, they'd start manipulating me and victimizing themselves and at some point said "if you don't send me nsfw, i will make your life a living hell". and they constantly forced me to draw for them. sometimes even making threats if i didn't finish something on time.

it's also entirely possible that they did this with other people. a lot of their audience is MUCH younger than them. they're 16 and the average age in their follower base is 13-15. as far as i know some of their youngest active followers are between 10-13 years old. they'd post nsfw and retweet nsfw for all of them to see and it was disgusting. it was one of the first reasons i started disconnecting with them. bc i was so tired of seeing straight up mii porn in my timeline every goddamn second.

overall they weren't good for me. and i'm still trying to recover from the whole ordeal last night. i didn't hit me hard until earlier this morning.

i'm not going to name them or anyone else involved publicly. but i will give a vague thank you to the people who helped me through realizing they were a bad person.

#grooming mention #grooming tw #s/h mention #fetishization of mental illness mention #yea im just.#not in a good place rn.#im taking a break from twitter bc honest to god. i dont wanna be reminded of them.#they also kinda ruined wii deleted you for me too.#we made aus together and sometimes did erps which i felt kinda forced into.#i cant watch wdy anymore.#i cant talk about wdy anymore.#i cant even listen to the goddamn mod soundtrack without wanting to break down and fucking cry.#hhhhh its all ruined.#vent tw

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years

Note

Tw for sexual assault I think and self harm.

Hi, thank you for reading this, I’m sorry if it’s like a lot, I felt like I needed a place to vent and I wasn’t sure where else to do this for reasons I’ll talk about later, but thank you a lot. If possible I’d like to ask if you have any advice or validation you could give on this situation but if not then it’s fine, I’m sorry.

So a few months back I was sexually assaulted while I was out with a friend celebrating finishing our degrees. While we were in a bar this guy comes over to me and starts talking to me. I didn’t want to be rude and say get lost but I tried to let him know that I wasn’t all that interested. He doesn’t pick up on that, me and my friend leave that bar to go some place else but him and his friends follow us across town.

This man never stopped asking me to go home with him, it was constant. I said no again and again, I tried to be polite but he still kept trying. I told him I was gay and I wasn’t interested but he still kept on. I leave to go to the bathroom to text my friend (he wasn’t letting me speak to her like he was really trying to isolate me) asking her if we can leave, she says she’s just ordered drinks we’ll go later. I come out the bathroom and this guy was waiting outside. He pulls me into this like empty room just off to the side and he asks if he can kiss me, I tell him no. But he did anyway. I push him off but he does it again but this time he puts his tongue down my throat and puts his hand inside my bra and just does what he wants there. When he stops he takes me to go sit back down and for the next hour he has his hand on my thigh and that area, no matter how many times I shake him off he just goes back. Eventually me and my friend leave, she didn’t know what was going on and she’s sorry for not spotting it sooner but it’s fine it’s not her fault.

That was a few months ago and I never told anyone else other than her and one other friend who I rang up that night crying. It wasn’t a problem for a while like I just didn’t think about it but the last 4/5 weeks it’s been really coming back to bite me. I had stopped self harming for a few months but it’s started again, I’ve had trouble sleeping for weeks, I can’t get to sleep and then when I do I sometimes have dreams of being assaulted and touched again, or of self harming. like in the last week it’s happened about twice. When ever my mother goes to hug me or just touches me or brushes against me it’s like I’m so tense, and uncomfortable I can’t stand it, and I don’t feel right after, I feel like my skin is crawling. It’s just so bad bc it’s not her fault and she doesn’t know, I don’t think I could ever tell her. I didn’t want to talk to my friends about it since they’ve gone through worse things than that and I don’t want them to think I keep dragging this up for attention or being over dramatic. I always feel like what happened to me wasn’t as bad as what happened to them and maybe I should be thankful that nothing worse did happen, if that makes sense. Sometimes I feel like I’m making something out of nothing about it, and I wasn’t sure for a long time if it was actually sexual assault, I’m still not 100%. I just don’t know who to talk to about it.

Thank you and again I’m so sorry this went on so long. Thank you so much.

Hey anon,

I'm so sorry you went through that. You did nothing to deserve that.

Good friends will not belittle your experiences. Trauma is not a hierarchy. Everyone is different and deals with trauma differently.

What happened to you is a big deal. It is clearly still impacting you and causing you distress. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable.

Remind yourself that your trauma is valid and that you are allowed to ask for help. A lot of survivors feel that their trauma wasn't "bad enough," but believe me, it is always "bad enough." No one deserves to go through trauma.

- Mod Misa

#trauma talks #abuse #sa #tw r #tw r word #r word #tw self harm #trauma details #ptsd #mod misa

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amerasdreams · 2 years

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I totally get that because I am also facing the same thing, so to see you struggling with it makes me sad. We're both the same age too. Fatigue can really affect your thinking and make everything automatically worse. One thing that I've found effective in combating negative feelings about myself is addressing each one of them and seeing them as problems to solve rather than absolutes. You are worried about wanting people to like you, which is totally fine and honestly also very normal. Who doesn't want to be liked? Just don't forget to love things about yourself. Being an empath isn't actually bad and I don't know where people are even getting this idea from and also, I don't really have the time or energy to invest in something that's also likely to slow my own personal growth and healing. Perhaps a similar mindset is also needed? Because if it's not helping you heal and grow, what's the point in wasting your valuable time, energy, and positivity on it? If you want to vent your feelings on Tumblr, do so. Yeah there's always a chance that someone will attack you for it, but don't let that stop you. Wouldn't it be better to be true to yourself than cater to a bunch of avatars and usernames of people that aren't actually part of your life? I also hope you don't feel like I was attacking you because if that's how I came across, I am really sorry. I only wish to show you support and encouragement. <3

Thank you for your message.

t def wasn't seemig like attacking. ♡ I got an attacking message earlier and I blocked them right away. It's true i have limited energy and i don't want to waste it on someone i don't know and who doesn't care about me. Especially on social media. There are too many people on here, I cant cater to all of them. (Idk is this what you mean by not wasting energy on things that hinder growth etc?)

Also I want to be true to myself and not censor myself just for some random people. I like tumblr bc I can be myself here. (I want to be able to be myself everywhere... for one thing, it takes too much energy I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not) It's just occasionally people attack me which really affects me. Words really affect me whether good or bad.

I did feel better later in the day so maybe your message helped :)

Hm problems to solve seem like absolutes bc to me they seem insurmountable.

I dont want to want to be liked. Don't want to need to be liked. I suppose everyone has this in some degree tho. But I dont want it to control me in any way esp to do things I don't like or want. It's hard to control these feelings tho. Before I didn't think I cared. Then I wrote fanfic and I got some good comments. Now I like crave them. Before I didn't know what I was missing. Now I know what positive attention from people can be like and I realize I was starved for it. Esp with things that I care about, people actually liking what I liked and put work into. Now there is this vacuum, or at least I'm aware of it... and more so after tumblr and I got some positive attention and people who seemed to be friends online. Who know me (I put more personal things on here than anywhere even to family... when I try to talk to mom about feelings she gets mad) and somehow they still like me and don't want to go away? Sounds fake.

But at the same time I'm aware of the time j lost and how I can't get it back. And can never catch up to other socially bc they had all this time I didn't. And really.... this panic started after college ...when before I seemed to at least have pretty good self esteem if not confidence. But after college it slammed into me how ill prepared I was to face the real world. Even more do when I tried to get jobs. Could only get menial basic ones. Rejected from library job bc it was too fast paced for me. Fired from my internship bc I just could not do it no matter how hard I tried. Etc. It's a problem... I don't know the solution

Well, I'm working on what I want. Bc I dont want to worry about what others think and I want to build a life that suits me not one that others impose on me. Do what is from my heart which is what I want more than anything. But that's easier said than done and I'm really running out of time (dad will be retiring soon, I should not be here... panic bc I'm not nearly ready... if i ever can be). I want my own business, and I have it, pet sitting, I could get more pets. I should. More clients. I just... don't really want to do it that much. I want to do something else. I've been doing this 10 years. I could do it on the side, supporting what I really want to do, and that's the plan. I just.. it's not easy, time gets away from you, and you have things that get in the way like covid taking most of my business away, my arm pain getting really bad last year so I could barely function, now I'm losing so much sleep so I can't function.... etc..

Was that a tangent, probably, bc my mind isnt working right.

I reallt need to try to find things to love about myself. Just saying that sounds wrong so I have some issue there... like I'm not supposed to see anything good about myself. If that's from upbringing or what. But I dont want to have to be reliant on others for self esteem, always needing reassurance bc I have none of my own.... that crash after college was a severe blow, isk how I can get it back when I see what the world is and how inadequate I am in it. But I dont want to please the world anyway bc there are a lot of dumb thigs in it I don't care for anyway. So... there is this weird conflict. Somehow resolve....

I came across some things that said empathy is actually bad and then googled empath bad and a whole nunch of articles came up so I panicked. But I dont want to dwell on things that bother me.... even tho they pop up when I'm trying to sleep and i can't shut them down no matter how hard I try....

#also helped i didn't see any other attackers #or i ate some lunch #or i did some stuff that helped #or all ...#u tend to see thr vent posts not when i feel happy lol. tho i trrying #also i have som sort of anxiety #i dont want to say bc i hate it hate hate #should go to someone but i dont want to #thrn that whole debacle with the zoo committee #shudder #how many times i crashed my car by accident #incl the day i heard about the librart job #also the war #took priority... wsnting to help #like for over a month i followd it instead of doing most things

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