#Jane Hogarth
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Jane Hogarth (c. 1709 – 1789) was a British printseller and businesswoman who preserved the rights to the artwork of her husband, William Hogarth, following his death. She successfully continued to produce and sell his work for many years.
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Iron Fist #8 (Claremont/Byrne, Oct 1976). Danny moves back into his childhood home and reclaims his family fortune, setting him on a collision course with the Meachums, their hired killer Davos, and a new Chinatown gang…
#marvel#marvel 616#iron fist#danny rand#misty knight#jeryn hogarth#peter parker#mary jane watson#joy meachum#ward meachum#davos#steel serpent#chris claremont#john byrne
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“As circunstâncias deste infeliz pedaço de história familiar eram que os Musgrove tinham tido a pouca sorte de ter um filho muito irresponsável, e a sorte de o perder antes de ele fazer 20 anos;”
Jane Austen a ser mazinha em “Persuasão”; pintura de William Hogarth.
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my reading list currently looks like....
frankenstein* (ill probably finish this one up in a day or two)
the salt grows heavy by cassandra khaw
dracula
wuthering heights
the death of jane lawrence by caitlin starling
the haunting of hill house by shirley jackson
howls moving castle by dianna wynne jones
the secret history by donna tartt
jane eyre
drive your plow over the bones of the dead by olga tokarczuk
dune by frank herbert
we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson
birnam wood by eleanor catton
are prisons obsolete? by angela davis
a game of thrones* by grrm
daughter of smoke* and bone by laini taylor
a clash of kings* by grrm
days of blood and starlight by laini taylor
into the drowning deep by mira grant
dune messiah by frank herbert
their eyes were watching god by zora neale hurston
bunny by mona awad
a storm of swords* by grrm
the lottery and other stories by shirley jackson
a psalm for the wild-built by becky chamber
the poppy war by r.f. kuang
the ash family by molly dektar
project hail mary by andy weir
beartown by fredrik backman
a prayer for the crown shy by becky chamber
once there were wolves by charlotte mcconaghy
mother thing by ainslie hogarth
all’s well by mona awad
a feast for crows* by grrm
*rereads
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All These Years [Part 11: "Last to Know"]
Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader
[You can find the full series summary and masterlist of installments for All These Years here.]
Warnings/tags: 18+ for this series; contains emotional hurt with no comfort until the final installments, angst, pining, friends to lovers, slowburn, and eventually smut
Word Count: 6.9k
a/n: This is another longer installment that brings us through season 3 (I'm planning a different angsty fic to really focus on season 3) and begins to bring us closer to the end of angst...but we're not quite there yet. Feedback is always appreciated!
Tag list: @acharliecoxedfan @theetherealbloom @rotscinema @magnumstyles @roseallisonparker @ofmusesandsecrets @readerhead @paracosmic-murdock @v4leoftears @why-always-me-gosh-please @redbircl @keepingitlokiiii @yarrystyleeza @mattkinsella @ms-murdockswift @margoo0 @1988-fiend @lockleywife @strangeobsessed @justalittlebitbored @am-3-thyst @buckybarnes-1917 @thora-jane @lionalsowrites @cloudroomblog @prince-tassel @danzer8705 @yourlocalbentspine @harperdoodle @hollandorks
Sitting across the table from Foggy and Karen, you drew your steaming latte to your lips for a drink. You were partially listening to Karen discuss the new article she was working on for the Bulletin, the newspaper she'd inevitably started working for shortly after Matt had disappeared and Foggy had disbanded their law firm. He had taken a job over at Hogarth, Chao, & Benowitz so he could continue to pay his bills, unable to continue to afford to work at Nelson and Murdock with the other half gone. You had recently thrown yourself into your own work over the last few weeks, gaining a new position with a pay raise and the ability to work from home for your company. Which had proven too convenient because you usually rolled right out of bed and stayed in your pajamas all day, showering after work just to throw on another pair of pajamas.
It had been almost two weeks since you'd stopped going to Clinton Church now, too. You barely left your apartment anymore since you didn’t need to leave for work. Oftentimes you lost track of time and had been clocking in hours and hours of overtime at your computer. You’d had nothing else going on and you didn't want to think, so you’d found yourself hyperfocused on coding. Your boss had certainly been praising your initiative.
This morning was actually the first time you’d left your apartment in days. You hadn’t even left for groceries, having ordered them and had them delivered to your apartment a few days ago for convenience. Foggy and Karen had been worried about you, frequently telling you as much over texts lately. Which was why you'd eventually caved and met them for coffee this morning. But if you were being honest, you weren't mentally fully present with them.
Your attention had shifted outside the window as Karen continued on with her animated conversation, Foggy just as enthusiastic as she was with whatever they’d been talking about. You’d unintentionally lost your focus as you often did outside of work lately, your eyes absently lingering on the place outside the window just above Karen’s shoulder. The sidewalk outside the coffee shop was busy with the usual Saturday morning foot traffic and you blankly watched as a multitude of colors swam by. You weren’t sure how long you’d sat staring out the window like that before you realized Karen was snapping her fingers in front of your face. Blinking a few times, you snapped out of your daze and focused back on her and Foggy. Worry was written clear across both of their faces as they stared back at you.
"What?" you asked.
"I was trying to ask you how you liked your new position," Karen said. "I asked you like four times now."
"Sorry, I uh, I was distracted," you replied, sitting up straighter in your chair as both of your hands wrapped around your warm coffee cup. "It's good. It's going good. Working at home is–is good."
Foggy leaned across the table towards you, concern still clear in his eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked gently. "Because you've been distant ever since…"
"I'm fine," you answered automatically, forcing a smile onto your face.
Foggy and Karen turned and exchanged a look with each other for a moment, your eyes narrowing as you watched. The strained smile on your face was quickly growing uncomfortable. When Foggy focused back on you, he shook his head slowly.
"No," he disagreed, "you're not. You haven't been fine for a long time. What's going on with you?"
"Nothing," you replied defensively.
From across the table, Karen sent you a sympathetic look. You knew the one. You'd seen it plenty of times now.
"It's because of what's been popping up in the news, isn't it?" she asked. "The little rumors."
Your head tilted to the side as you eyed her curiously. "What little rumors?" you asked back.
Karen's gaze flickered to Foggy before it returned to you. Her fingers began drumming on her coffee cup nervously.
"About the man in black?" she said, voice lowered.
You sucked in a sharp breath, your back straightening further in the chair. Hope filled you instantly as your eyes searched Karen’s face for answers.
"Matt?" you whispered.
She opened her mouth to speak but Foggy raised a hand, waving it firmly in the air between the pair of you. The gesture instantly cut her off before she'd even begun.
"It's not Matt," Foggy stated sharply. "Hell’s Kitchen has become ground zero for all kinds of copycat vigilantes lately. It's not him, so don't go giving her false hope, Karen."
Your eyes further narrowed at Foggy. "How do you know it's not him?" you challenged.
Foggy’s expression softened, a hand running across his forehead. "Because," he answered softly, "if it was Matt, he'd have reached out. Told us he was alive. You know he would. It's been just over a couple of months now, he's had plenty of time to reach out to tell us he survived Midland Circle and he hasn't." He sighed deeply, shaking his head at you. "You need to accept it. He's gone."
"Foggy," Karen gently reprimanded, "that's not–"
"No," Foggy countered firmly, his focus shifting to Karen. "She needs to hear this. She needs to accept it and stop doing what she's been doing to herself! And whatever this bullshit in the news is–it's not Matt." Foggy’s attention returned to you, his eyes pleading. "You have to let this go. You need to accept the fact that Matt–” Foggy winced, “–he's dead.”
Your throat felt like it was closing up, tears welling in your eyes. How could Foggy just accept that as fact so easily? How could he just give up on Matt like that? He had been both of your best friends for so long. Wasn’t there any part of him that had hope?
“Foggy, that’s a little harsh,” Karen chastised. “You’re being really unsympathetic here.”
Foggy shook his head, once again rounding on Karen. “She’s been denying the facts for almost three months now!” he exclaimed. “And look at how she’s been doing! She’s clearly not handling it alright. It looks like she’s barely sleeping and taking care of herself. Every time we see her she’s barely present. And she’s been paying for his apartment for months now!”
His head spun in your direction, startling you at the abruptness. Your lips were quivering as you sat there, feeling like you were about to break down in the middle of the coffee shop with everything he was saying.
“You can't keep paying for his apartment and holding onto his things. It's not good for you," Foggy stated sharply. “It’s not sustainable for you to pay for two rents, either. You need to let this go!”
“Foggy–”
“ No !” Foggy growled at Karen. “I’ve already lost Matt, I’m not losing her, too!”
Sniffling loudly, you swiftly rose from the table and wiped the back of your hand across your tear stained cheeks. Both Foggy and Karen’s attention shifted to you instantly. Karen mouthed an apology as Foggy’s face fell beside her.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“Home,” you croaked out.
Ignoring Foggy’s pleas to stay, you quickly turned and left the coffee shop with your coffee clutched between both hands. You did your best to duck your head, trying to hide your face as you silently cried the entire walk back to your apartment.
What a shitty past few days it had been.
While Matt had been out last night, he'd been stopped in his tracks the moment he realized his hearing had fully come back to him. He could hear the sirens of ambulances approaching where he’d just stepped out onto the street, the sounds of the city around him, the buzz of a neon sign nearby, and the commotion in front of the hospital he’d just exited. He had been stunned, a wave of gratefulness washing over him in that very moment because he could fully hear again . But what were the first words he’d heard in the commotion around him when God had finally decided to restore his hearing?
The FBI had let Wilson Fisk out of prison.
Could God have been laughing at him any more than he already had been? What a fucking cruel joke to restore his hearing just in time for him to hear that Fisk had been released. Matt had been furious . Even more furious at God than he had been lately. But despite his rage since that moment, he knew there was something he needed to do tonight.
If Fisk was free from prison, in any capacity, he knew he’d be seeking revenge on himself, Foggy, and Karen for having put him away. And while Matt Murdock was safe from his vengeance because he was supposed to be dead, Foggy wasn’t. And neither was Karen.
Which was why Matt had donned his winter coat, the baseball cap, and some sunglasses before making the long trek to the bar he knew Foggy frequented near his new place of work outside of Hell’s Kitchen. Despite wanting to have his friends continue to think he was dead, knowing it was safer for them, Matt had admittedly kept tabs on Foggy on and off for weeks now. He didn't let himself ponder the reasoning, though.
But it had only been Foggy he’d checked in on. He couldn’t bring himself to see what you were getting up to. He’d known you’d stopped visiting Clinton Church not too long ago. The last few times you’d visited he’d heard you from the church basement. You would always end up softly sobbing to yourself before you left. And each time you had, Matt had curled up on the basement floor just beneath the pew you’d been sitting in, just to feel some semblance of being near you again, and he cried with you. When night had fallen those nights, he’d immediately gone out as the man in the mask and let the Devil take over, not wanting to feel anything.
But he hadn’t gone anywhere near your apartment. He couldn’t bring himself to.
And now he was standing outside the bar Foggy was sitting inside at this exact moment. Matt could tell Foggy was upset by how much he’d already had to drink, having known the amount because he’d been standing outside in the alley from the moment Foggy had first showed up and stepped inside. He’d been struggling to get up the nerve to go inside and talk to him, to warn Foggy about staying away from Fisk and letting him deal with things. Because clearly the law wasn’t going to achieve anything on its own at keeping Fisk where he belonged, so it was up to Matt to make things right.
He knew it wasn’t going to be easy going inside and talking to him, though. Just standing in the alley and knowing he was about to go in there and reveal to Foggy that he wasn’t dead, that he’d been lying and would need Foggy to yet again lie for him–to people both Matt and Foggy cared about– hurt .
Matt needed to keep his distance to keep you all safe, though–now more than before. Fisk was dangerous, and he was certainly going to come after Foggy and Karen, so Matt needed to make sure both of them stayed out of Fisk’s way. He certainly didn’t need Karen to go chasing after him as the reporter she’d become and further put herself on Wilson Fisk’s radar. She didn’t need to end up like Ben Urich. And he didn’t want Foggy going after Blake Tower for signing off on the FBI’s decision to release Fisk for information–that would certainly garner Fisk’s attention.
But you–Fisk didn’t know about you. You weren’t a part of Nelson and Murdock. Fisk had no reason to know about you, which meant you needed to stay far away from Matt and the Devil so your name would never cross Fisk’s lips.
Which was why he could only go to Foggy. He knew he’d keep the secret in order to keep his friends safe, even if he would absolutely hate Matt for asking that of him.
And he also needed to steal Foggy’s wallet for his New York State Bar Association license for what he planned to do tomorrow.
With a sigh, he pushed off of the wall and forced himself to turn the corner and enter the bar. It wasn’t very busy for a Tuesday evening, so Matt easily made his way over near where Foggy was drinking at the counter. He paused when he was just a few feet behind him, nerves twisting in his gut. Foggy was entirely oblivious to Matt’s presence, though, still swirling the alcohol in his glass absently. Squaring his shoulders, Matt steeled himself for the emotional pain that he was about to inflict on both Foggy and himself.
“Fog,” he called out softly.
Matt heard the way Foggy’s head slowly turned towards him, his brows having drawn together in confusion. For a moment Foggy just stared at Matt in perplexed silence. Matt could practically hear the moment when Foggy realized who was standing before him in his slightly intoxicated state.
“This isn’t real,” Foggy said. "You're not really here."
Matt’s teeth ground together as he gave a single nod at him. “It’s real,” he said softly.
He could hear the way Foggy’s lips drew into a big smile, the only one that had been on his face in the hour that Matt had been standing outside. The bar stool Foggy had been sitting in slid back on the floor as Matt heard Foggy rise to his feet just moments before he felt his friend embrace him in a tight hug. Instinctively Matt’s hands flew up, hugging Foggy in return. He could smell the salt of his unshed tears in the air.
“Hey, Fog,” he greeted quietly.
“How?” Foggy asked in disbelief, still clutching Matt tight. “Where? We thought you were dead!”
Foggy abruptly pulled away from Matt, clearly taking a moment to scan him over. Matt’s hands returned to his cane, fidgeting nervously with it as he practically felt Foggy’s eyes roving him. Seconds later, Foggy said your name and Matt’s heart felt like it shattered instantly.
“Does she know you’re alive?" he asked. "Does Karen?”
Pressing his lips tight together to keep from crying, Matt reached a hand out and gently grabbed Foggy’s shoulder.
“Take a seat, Fog,” he ordered.
Foggy did as directed, returning to the bar stool he’d just been seated at. Matt slowly lowered into a stool near him. He braced himself for what he was about to have to say and do now.
“I’m not back,” Matt told him firmly.
Matt heard the smile once again spread across Foggy’s face and the joking tone when he spoke next.
“Well I know I’m not drunk enough to be hallucinating quite yet,” Foggy teased.
Matt shook his head once. “I’m not back,” he repeated. “Matt Murdock isn’t going to be a part of me anymore. I’m…leaving him behind. He isn’t who I am.”
The smile quickly fell from Foggy’s face. “What?” he asked.
Swallowing hard, Matt tried to keep the waver and emotion out of his voice. “The only reason I came here was to warn you and Karen about Fisk now that he’s out. You’re both in danger.”
“Dude–”
“I’m going after him, Foggy,” Matt continued briskly, cutting him off. “I’m going to bring Fisk down. But I can only do that if I know that you and Karen are safe.”
“Hang on, hang on,” Foggy said, waving a hand. “I’m still trying to process the fact that you’re here. Alive .”
“I know that you and Karen are going to want to get involved,” Matt told him, his foot tapping lightly on the bar floor. He needed to get out of here soon before he lost his resolve. “To try to fight him in some way, but I’m telling you that I need you both to stay out of it and leave it to me.”
There was a brief pause after his words. Matt heard the way Foggy slowly shook his head in response.
“No,” Foggy told him.
“No?” Matt asked in disbelief.
“No,” Foggy replied more forcefully. “You don’t get to show up after months of me–all of us–thinking you’re dead, say something like that to me, and then just–just expect me to be cool with it. You’re my best friend , asshole!”
Matt’s heart tightened in his chest at the hurt in his best friend’s voice. Foggy’s words stung despite how much Matt knew he deserved them–truthfully he deserved a bigger verbal lashing. But he needed to end this and get out of here. Now.
“I was wrong to become your friend, Foggy,” Matt told him, ignoring the way his own heart beat irregularly at the lie as it left his lips. In time he'd make himself believe it. “I put you in danger and it was selfish of me. While I can’t change the past, I can stop making the same mistake. We’re done, buddy,” Matt said, quickly rising from the bar stool. “It’s over.”
“There’s something seriously wrong with you,” Foggy snapped, his voice cracking.
“Yeah, I know,” Matt agreed, once again fighting the emotion from creeping into his words. "Just stay clear of Fisk. Tell Karen to do the same," he ordered. "And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell her you saw me.”
Matt turned to go, desperate to get away and attempt to control his own emotions. He felt close to tears himself and was grateful for the sunglasses hiding his eyes. He managed two steps before he heard Foggy once again call your name after him. Matt winced at the sound of it, his feet inevitably coming to a stop as his back remained turned to Foggy.
“What about her, huh?” Foggy asked. “You know she’s been a mess since you’ve been gone? She refuses to believe you’re dead, Matt. Am I just supposed to let her continue thinking that now that I know it’s a lie?”
Behind the sunglasses, Matt’s eyes clamped shut. He felt a tear escape and he tried to hide wiping it away as he ran a hand over his mouth. Exhaling a shuddering breath, he tried to keep his voice steady when he answered.
“Yes,” Matt replied, voice softer. “She can’t know.”
“Are you fucking serious?” Foggy roared at his back. “You’re going to do that to her? Make me do that to her?”
Matt sighed, shaking his head but still refusing to turn around. “Fog, she can’t–”
“She’s paying your fucking rent, man,” Foggy spat bitterly. “For months now she’s been paying it. She thinks you’re still out there. Alive. That you’re too injured to find a way to reach out and that’s why it’s been months of us not hearing from you. But no,” he continued, anger clear in his voice, “you’ve been intentionally letting us think you’re dead all of this time.”
Matt couldn’t speak, his throat feeling like it was closing up on him. His hands gripped his cane even tighter. You were paying his rent?
“Why?” he managed, the word breaking.
“Why?” Foggy repeated in disbelief. “Because she cares about you, you idiot! She misses you! You’re one of her absolute best friends, man. She doesn’t want to believe you’re gone.”
Matt tried to swallow but his tongue felt thick and heavy in his own mouth, the gesture feeling near impossible. Fuck, he didn’t want to do this to you. He really didn’t. But he didn’t have a choice, he needed to keep you away from himself to keep you safe from Fisk. From whoever it was that came after Fisk if Matt survived this. It was for your own good.
“Tell her to stop paying for the rent,” Matt told him.
“ I have ,” Foggy ground out. “And you know what she did? She ran home crying and hasn’t answered my calls in days because of it.”
A grimace pulled at Matt’s face. Why were you holding on so tight to him like this? Why couldn’t you just let him go? He wasn’t that great of a friend. He was nothing special. Why couldn’t you just mourn him and move on?
“She–she can’t know,” Matt repeated. “She’ll find some way to get involved or Fisk will figure out she’s close to us and she’ll get hurt. Right now, Fisk doesn’t know who she is, Fog. She can’t know I’m alive.”
“So that’s it?” Foggy asked defeatedly. “I just continue to lie to her for you?”
Matt felt like he couldn’t stay here any longer, he could feel the dam holding his own emotions in check about to burst. He wanted to turn back around and embrace Fog, to apologize and tell him he was wrong for everything he’d done since Midland. He wanted to run to your apartment and beg your forgiveness on his knees for making you think he was dead. To feel you wrap him in your arms and tell him everything was okay and that you forgave him.
But that couldn’t happen.
“I–I have to go,” Matt muttered.
Without further hesitation, Matt made his way out of the bar, ignoring the way Foggy was shouting his name after him. He hurried down the alley he’d initially been hiding in, pausing at the end of it when he didn’t hear Foggy pursuing him.
Burying his face in his hands, he sank to the dirty ground and broke down in tears.
Opening the door to Matt’s apartment, you stepped inside and were instantly hit with a chill. You shivered as you shut the door behind yourself before bending down and picking up the stack of mail that had been shoved under the door for this week. You frowned when you saw a few more overdue bills. Even with the raise you’d received, you were starting to really struggle under the weight of two rents and all of your own bills.
With a sigh you made your way into the empty apartment, heading straight to the coffee table where you’d neatly organized Matt’s mail in separate piles. Taking a moment, you sorted the mail in your hands into the appropriate stack before you unbuttoned your coat. You slowly slipped it off of yourself before draping it over the arm of Matt’s leather couch.
The emptiness of Matt’s apartment was only further making you feel the weight of loneliness you’d been experiencing lately, your eyes dancing across his sparsely decorated and overly spacious apartment as your eyes watered. Foggy and Karen had been avoiding you lately, always too busy with something to make time for you. They’d been acting strange for the past few weeks and you didn’t understand why. And it had only added to the hurt you'd been experiencing after everything with Matt.
Foggy had suddenly decided to run for District Attorney, which you’d been shocked about but excited for him nevertheless. But he was always claiming he had something to attend and he’d get back with you later. Karen had been saying she was busy with some story she was following, never having time to even chat on the phone. Though recently you'd heard she had been fired after the attack from a fake Daredevil killing people at the Bulletin–and that in itself had further confused you, but both of them had said it was something to do with Fisk and wouldn’t tell you anything more.
You’d been so lonely you’d finally called Adam back up and eventually gotten together with him for drinks last week. He’d been understanding all those months ago when you’d ended things because of Matt’s supposed passing, claiming you just couldn’t focus on a relationship after the unexpected loss of one of your closest friends. Though now it felt like Adam was all you had left.
And Matt’s apartment. Empty as it always was.
You stepped around the leather couch, your fingers running along the red plaid blanket neatly folded over the back of it as you walked. Stomach sinking as your grief once again hit you, you continued your usual tour of Matt’s place, the same as you did when you stopped in every week to collect his mail and check on the bills you needed to pay for him.
You always started in the living room first, pausing to appreciate the obnoxious billboard you’d grown fond of outside of the windows. Then you’d make your way into the kitchen, marveling at how little he actually had in there. Though you supposed it made sense that he hadn’t cooked much with what he spent his evenings doing. Eventually you’d make your way to his bedroom, pausing in the doorway and wondering what it would be like to be standing there in your pajamas in the morning, a cup of coffee in each hand. One for you and one for Matt. Imagining him waking up in his bed, his hair a ruffled mess and a sleepy smile on his face just for you as morning light seeped in through the windows.
Your heart twisted at the thought and you quickly pushed the mental image away, continuing on. You made your way to his closet where his suits were still all neatly hanging, fingers running along the braille tags on each hanger. With a heavy sigh, you turned to leave the room, but your eyes fell on Matt’s dresser. Coming to a stop, you paused as you eyed it for a moment. As if your feet were moving on their own, you made your way over, pulling open one of the drawers. A handful of neatly stacked, neutral colored shirts met your eyes. Fighting back the tears threatening to spill over, you ran a hand over a worn, dark gray tee-shirt on top. It was incredibly soft.
You didn’t know what it was that came over you, but you found yourself pulling the shirt out of his drawer and bringing it up to your nose. It still smelled like him–that clean detergent scent you loved. A choked noise fell out of you as you buried your face further in the material, wishing it was on Matt’s body and not just crumpled between your desperate fingers.
It was a few minutes before you'd managed to regain your composure and collect yourself. But as you closed his dresser drawer, you still held onto the worn tee-shirt in your hands. And even as you slipped your coat back on in the living room before exiting his apartment, locking it up behind you, you never parted with it.
You'd spent so much time going back and forth on whether or not you would attend the mass for Father Lantom’s funeral this afternoon that you'd ended up showing up just as people were milling out of the church afterwards. You'd felt bad for having missed it, even if you'd only had a few conversations with him after Matt's memorial service before you'd stopped going to Clinton Church entirely. From your brief time with Father Lantom, and from what Matt had always said about him, he sounded like an amazing man. What had happened to him–whatever it was that had someone attacking a church –had been absolutely horrible.
But you knew there was a wake being held at Foggy’s family's butcher shop nearby from the announcement you had read in the paper. You hadn't spoken to Foggy or Karen in almost a week now, but you figured you'd end up at least running into one of them there. As you neared the shop, you wondered if they'd continue to ignore you like they'd been doing for weeks now.
Their silence had only opened a new wound for you, causing you even more pain in Matt's absence. You'd ended up growing closer to Adam over the weeks since they’d been avoiding you because of it, often spending a few evenings a week together. He didn't have answers for why your friends had been ghosting you and cutting you out of their life, but he at least offered the much needed comfort you'd been craving for months.
Outside of Nelson's, you spotted a few people lingering on the sidewalk talking in small groups. They were dressed in all black and had clearly just come from the mass for Father Lantom at the church. You slipped around a group outside, offering a soft apology as you reached for the door handle beside them. Pulling it open, you stepped inside and immediately side-stepped out of the way of a couple who sent you friendly smiles. As your eyes scanned the busy shop around you, you eventually spotted Karen and Foggy at a table nearby with drinks in their hands laughing with–
Eyes going wide, you swore your heart entirely stopped beating in your chest. You couldn't breathe. Even your brain felt like it hit reset at the sight before you.
Foggy and Karen had been sitting at the table laughing and having drinks with Matt as if he hadn't been missing and believed dead for the past few months.
Entirely frozen on the spot, all you could do for a moment was stare in shock at Matt laughing at something Karen had said. Mouth dropping open, you watched as all three of them raised their glasses as if in a toast before clinking them together.
That's when the tears came. Watching all three of them sitting there as if they'd known Matt had been alive for longer than five minutes. As if they were celebrating something.
And you'd been entirely left out of whatever it all was.
Heart beating harder in your chest, a small, strangled whimper fell out of you. At the table, Matt's head immediately darted in your direction, the smile falling from his lips as his focus landed on you. Karen and Foggy’s attention soon turned towards you next, curious as to what had caught Matt's attention. Abruptly you turned and pushed the door to the shop open, hurrying out onto the sidewalk.
Throwing a hand over your mouth, you felt the tears steadily falling as you darted away from the building. You ignored the groups of people outside curiously eyeing you as your breath came in fast and sharp. Vaguely you heard Foggy calling your name as you briskly walked down the sidewalk and headed away from Nelson's. Your pace didn't slow as he continued to call after you.
Matt was alive.
Matt was alive .
You had been right. All this time and you'd been right. But why the hell had Karen and Foggy been so adamant about him being dead–wanting you to let him go–when they knew he wasn't? How long had they known and not told you? How long had they known and just continued to let you grieve? To let you keep paying for his apartment? To keep scouring the news about the man in the mask? They’d been telling you it wasn’t Matt despite you noticing the strange fake Daredevil in the news in relation to Fisk’s prison release. They’d made you feel like you’d been going crazy.
And why had Matt not let you know he was alive? Why had he let you continue on thinking he was dead but not Foggy and Karen?
Did you mean so little to him?
Foggy’s voice loudly shouting your name broke through your thoughts and you stopped, spinning on the spot towards him as your tears continued to fall. Foggy caught up to you quickly, his own face filled with guilt and shame. Behind him, you could see Karen escorting Matt, the pair of them rapidly nearing where you'd both come to a stop.
"How long?" you asked Foggy, voice cracking. "How long did you know?"
Foggy winced at the question, his face growing even more solemn. "A few weeks now," he answered softly.
Your eyebrows rose up onto your forehead, eyes once again widening. Mouth opening and closing for a moment, you tried hard to search for words.
"You–you knew?" you breathed out. "You knew for weeks? And you just didn't tell me he wasn't dead?"
"I wanted to!" Foggy replied in a rush. "Believe me, I did! But it wasn't safe for you to know!"
"Are you–" you paused, pinching the bridge of your nose as a multitude of emotions fought to rise to the surface. Anger and relief were fighting at the forefront. "I don't fucking care if it wasn't safe!" you eventually roared at the three of them, Karen and Matt stopping beside Foggy now. "You let me think he was dead for weeks when you knew he wasn't! You both ignored me for weeks!" you yelled, fresh, hot tears rolling down your cheeks. "Left me to grieve the loss of Matt and my friendship with the both of you on top of it!"
"I–"
"No!" you raged at Foggy. "Do you know how much that fucking hurt? To feel like I’d lost all of you? And then I come here and see you all just laughing and having fucking drinks and I'm still in the dark about everything ?"
"We were going to tell you today!" Karen cut in quickly, her voice catching your attention. "We were dealing with Fisk’s release. That was why we knew Matt was back–and he had been a very closed off asshole, too, for the record,” she told you, Matt frowning deeper beside her. “But we were trying to keep Fisk from learning that you were connected to any of us. To keep you safe from him."
"What?" you asked her.
"Fisk wanted revenge," Matt said.
Your eyes flew directly to him. His voice, after months of wondering if you'd ever hear it again, managed to slightly calm you. For a moment your eyes took in the sight of him standing there–something else you’d thought would never happen again. He was wearing one of his nice suits and his usual red glasses, which meant he must have stopped by his apartment at some point. The one you’d been paying the bills for him for. There were a few cuts bandaged along his face and his knuckles looked torn and bruised, but he was alive.
He was alive.
“He tried to kill me when he realized I wasn’t dead,” Matt explained. “Tried even harder when he learned who I was. He was trying to go after Foggy, too–which was why he ran for the D.A. position, to make him more of a public figure. And he went after Karen.”
“The Bulletin?” you asked, eyes darting to Karen. “That was…?”
Karen nodded. “And what happened at Clinton,” she told you.
“It wasn’t safe,” Matt said, taking another step towards you. “I only told Foggy because I wanted him and Karen to let me handle Fisk. But he didn’t listen to me and told Karen.”
“Because she was in danger and needed to know,” Foggy snapped at Matt.
Matt’s mouth twitched at Foggy’s words but he didn’t respond to him. Instead he kept his focus on you as he spoke.
“But you weren’t a part of Nelson and Murdock,” he continued, shaking his head. “Fisk never knew who you were. I wanted to keep it that way. Initially I wanted to let you all think Matt Murdock had died so I could go out and be Daredevil without worrying about putting any of you in any more danger. But…” he trailed off, sighing as his shoulders dropped. “I couldn’t do it. I–I need you all. As my friends. To keep me from losing myself to that other part of myself.”
Wiping the heels of your palms over your cheeks, you tried to wipe away the tears. A few were still falling as you stood there. Admittedly you were still pissed–at all of them. Karen and Foggy for keeping his secret even if it was to keep you safe, and you were pissed at Matt for letting you spend months wondering if he was dead or not.
“I’m sorry,” Matt said softly.
“I’m sorry, too,” Foggy added quickly. “I didn’t want to lie to you. I hated every second of it. You have to know that.”
Swallowing hard, your eyes flew over to Karen when she spoke up.
“I didn’t want to lie to you either,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, too. We really were going to tell you today. After Father Lantom’s wake. We just wanted to make sure the threat of Fisk had passed first.”
“This isn’t how I wanted you to find out,” Matt assured you.
Foggy’s arms raised, opening wide towards you as he shot you a hopeful look. “Can you forgive me, bestie?” he asked. “Hug it out?”
Chewing your lip, you took a step backwards. Collectively all three of their faces dropped at the gesture. Slowly, Foggy’s arms lowered to his sides.
“I just–just need a bit to process this,” you muttered. “I can try to understand why you did it but–but it still hurts.”
Both Foggy and Karen nodded, but between them, Matt’s frown somehow continued to deepen. Your eyes lingered on him for a moment longer, committing the sight of him alive and breathing to your memory before you turned and made your way back down the sidewalk. You wanted to go home and cry before you tried to make sense of all of this. It didn’t help that your body’s reaction was confusing you. You were overjoyed and grateful, but also incredibly pissed and deeply hurt. You wanted to scream at Matt but you also wanted to hug him and never let him go.
You’d barely made it a few steps before something had latched on to your wrist and you froze, head turning to glance down at what it was. Matt’s large and battered hand was encircling it firmly, clearly not about to let you go. Pressing your lips tight together, you tried hard to refrain from crying as your gaze slowly made its way up to his face.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. After that building fell on me and I somehow still woke up alive…I’d lost almost all of my senses. I was in a dark place. And when my senses came back, Fisk had been released and I found myself in an even darker place.” He sent you a sad, apologetic smile. “I didn’t want to lie to you. Didn’t want you to keep believing I was dead. I swear I didn’t. It was just to keep you safe.”
Your watery gaze tried to focus on Matt’s eyes behind the red lenses. You could feel the tears once again getting ready to spill over in your own eyes.
“I visited Clinton Church every day for weeks after you disappeared, Matt,” you admitted softly.
“I know,” he whispered, that sad smile still on his lips. “I was recovering in the church’s basement that whole time.”
You winced at his words. He’d known? He’d known you’d been there crying over him all this time? Day after day praying he’d come back to you? And he’d been there this whole time? Fresh hurt and anger burned in your veins, another wave of tears spilling out of you.
“You knew that too?” you breathed out. “You were right there and never said anything?”
He nodded slowly, shame and guilt written across his features. As the tears fell yet again, you finally gave in to the mix of emotions fighting inside of you to reach the surface. Your hand slipped out of Matt’s hold before you reached out and pushed against his chest roughly. For a moment he looked taken by surprise at the gesture, but his surprise quickly vanished as he stood there and allowed one of your fists to weakly slam onto his chest.
“Fuck you, Matt,” you cried out in a broken voice. “Fuck you for making me go through that knowing how hard it was on me.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, his own voice breaking.
Your fist slammed onto his chest again. “Fuck you for hurting me like that,” you continued. “For making Foggy and Karen hurt me like that.”
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
“How could you?” you wailed. “I thought I mattered to you!”
Matt’s hands were on your shoulders, gripping them firmly as he tried to pull you towards him. You tried to shake him off, struggling against his hold, but he only held on tighter as your fist slammed down onto his chest again, tears endlessly streaming from your eyes.
“You do matter,” he croaked out. “More than you know. You do matter.”
“Fuck you,” you sobbed, your fingers grasping onto the lapels of his suit coat. “Fuck you, Matt.”
Matt’s hands released their hold on you, his arms swiftly wrapping around your shoulders as he drew you into himself. You didn’t fight him this time, burying your face into his dress shirt and tie and letting yourself break down against him. Relief and heartache and love and anger all poured out of you simultaneously as you clung to him, your body shaking with your sobs. Matt had buried his face against the top of your head, clearly crying himself as he clung to you just as tight. You could feel his tears dampening your hair and hear the muffled sounds of his own choked sobs filling your ears.
“Don’t ever do that to me again,” you begged, shaking your head against his chest. “Don’t make me go through that again.”
“I won’t,” he promised. “I won’t ever leave you again.”
[END NOTES]
I'm leaving end notes this time because I feel like they're needed (but if you read my fics over on AO3 I always give quite detailed end notes that I don't usually share on tumblr because it's just extra time I don't have trying to get two posts together).
So much happened in this installment though because we practically sprinted through season 3! This fic isn't meant to delve into that season though, but I wanted to include the angst of it in here (don't worry, I have another angsty fic planned for season 3 for another day). Reader was clearly struggling with the loss/absence of Matt for the months he'd been gone in this one. She was also the one paying for his apartment and his bills because she didn't believe he was dead. But she was also the last one to know he was alive--hence the title of this installment! And shit did that hurt when she didn't know why Foggy and Karen were pushing her away for weeks, which only led her back to the attractive vet tech, Adam (in case you didn't catch that). And then she didn't find out Matt was alive until she saw him at Father Lantom's wake at the Nelson's butcher shop. Despite being able to understand why they kept her in the dark, she's still pretty hurt and pissed. Especially at Matt. But clearly, Reader will never stop loving Matt.
I have a couple more angsty things up my sleeves that are getting closer to punching you in the gut next, so be prepared, friends! The angst isn't over even if the confession of feelings draws nearer... I currently don't have a title name to tease for the next installment yet either because this almost 7k beast of an installment took up all my brain space for two days, but I'll share a post about it when I do.
Feel free to scream at me now 🙃
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Um! The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K Le Guin, Beloved by Toni Morrison, Just Over My Head by James Baldwin, Motherthing by Ainsle Hogarth andddddd O Caledonia by Elspeth Barker?
hi yah yah! immaculate taste as always. here are some recs:
Hiromi Goto, Chorus of Mushrooms
Vanessa Onwuemezi, Dark Neighbourhood
Jac Jemc, The Grip of It
Mairead Case, Tiny
Zeyn Joukhadar, The Thirty Names of Night
I know you read a lot so I tried to find some you maaaay not have read, but some more popular others are My Soul to Keep, Piranesi, The Deep, and Jane: A Murder.
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“be not afraid [but don’t come any closer]” - AkiAngel Web Weave (CSM Spoilers)
i thought i’d die by bullet or blade, fang or claw, fire or flood. but
you are kinder, softer, and mine alone - touch me, i am ready to receive you
===
Chainsaw Man is written and drawn by Fujimoto Tatsuki
chainsaw man / frances molina, “o’ death” / chainsaw man / agustín gómez arcos, “the carnivorous lamb” / yves olade, “cut” / chainsaw man / sarah kane / chainsaw man / marie howe / ainslie hogarth, “motherthing” / trista mateer / chainsaw man / leslie feinburg / françois mauriac, (tran. gerard hopkins), “the loved and the unloved” / chainsaw man / chainsaw man / rebecca lindenberg, “love, an index” / ??? / natalie young, “notes on earth life” / chainsaw man / jean-paul sarte, “no exit” / federico garcía lorca, “blood wedding and yerma” / jane austen, “pride and prejudice” / chainsaw man / chainsaw man / banana yoshimoto, “the lake” / madeline miller, “the song of achilles” / chainsaw man / ???
#akiangel#aki angel#comparatives#web weaving#aki hayawaka#angel devil#chainsaw man#csm#csm comparative#csm web weave#frances molina#agustin gomez arcos#yves olade#sarah kane#marie how#ainslie hogarth#trista mateer#leslie feinberg#francois mauriac#gerard hopkins#rebecca lindenberg#natalie young#jean-paul sartre#frederico garcia lorca#jane austen#banana yoshimoto#madeline miller#im still alive! kinda! sorta!
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23 Books in 2023
thanks for the tag @mrs-storm-andrews 📚✨
the rules are to name any 23 books you read in 2023. i was thinking about naming the best ones but it just so happens that i read exactly 23 books since doing my mid-year tag so here they are in reverse chronological order
loved it | was disappointed by it
Die Wunder des Lebens by Stefan Zweig
En l'absence des hommes by Philippe Besson
The Stone Sky by N.K. Jemisin
Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson
The Uncensored Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
Nimona by N.D. Stevenson
Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher
A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers
Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris
The Ninth Rain by Jen Williams
The Obelisk Gate by N.K. Jemisin
Die spät bezahlte Schuld by Stefan Zweig
Witch King by Martha Wells
The Mountains of Mourning by Lois McMaster Bujold
Family by M.C.A. Hogarth
Persuasion by Jane Austen
Dreamstorm by M.C.A. Hogarth
Die Reise in die Vergangenheit by Stefan Zweig
The King of Crows by Libba Bray
Vergessene Träume by Stefan Zweig
Dreamhearth by M.C.A. Hogarth
Before the Devil Breaks You by Libba Bray
The Secret Lives of Country Gentlemen by K.J. Charles
tagging @counterwiddershins @fugitoidkry @magpiefngrl @oliviermiraarmstrongs @pinkasrenzo @sugarbabywenkexing @fandomreferencepending @pemberlaey @hello-jumping-in-puddles @thehalcyonharbinger @beeblackburn @weirdsociology @veliseraptor @theodoradove @sixappleseeds @doh-rae-me @venndaai
📚goodreads📚
#book tag#looks like i loved everything i read in july except for the three classics i just had no opinion on either way#and the dreamhealers novella i already ranted about#and then august was a bumpy ride#the highs were high but the lows were Low#i didn't assign a color to sorcery of thorns but it's not bc i don't have an opinion on it#i have lots of opinions#most of them bad#however comma#have you heard of our lord and savior silas the demon butler
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summer reading list recommendations? pls?
hi! i’m gonna share 2 lists. books i’ve read and would recommend and books that i am planning to read this summer if u would like to come along for that journey!
books i recommend
raw dog by jamie loftus (nonfiction)
motherthing by ainslie hogarth (horror)
the other black girl by zakiya dalila harris (thriller)
ANYTHING by gillian flynn but sharp objects is the most summery to me (tw sa & self harm for that one)
ANYTHING by megan abbott but if you’re looking for fun, my rec is always dare me. if you’re looking for something sweltering and suffocating and horrible that feels like july heat, my rec is the end of everything (tw csa)
such sharp teeth by rachel harrison (horror. tw for body horror)
wreckage of my presence by casey wilson (nonfiction, memoir)
anything by mona awad but bunny is a very summer book for me! alls well is perfect too.
just like home by sarah gailey (horror)
nightbitch by rachel yoder (horror. tw for body horror & animal deaths)
re-read a series you love! i just reread the hunger games and it was SOOOO GOOOOD
anything jane austen. anything anything anything!
any mary oliver poetry but it has to be read outside or right before a walk
my summer reading list!
beware the woman by megan abbott
tender is the flesh by agustina bazterrica
the ballad of songbirds and snakes by suzanne collins
(hopefully) scammer by caroline calloway (this book may never come)
if i had your face by frances cha
the guest by emma cline
leaving the rest up to chance :)
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dropping my complete tbr below (over 100 novels) bc i neeeed someone to tell me what book to read next. reading strange sally diamond rn and it's too draining and cruel to continue atm. pls help me pick my next read ill love u forever!!!
specifically need a break from sally diamond's themes (csa, r***, p********a, on screen torture). my next read can still be disturbing in any other way that isn't the mentioned triggers idm
my current tbr:
a botanical daughter (noah medlock)
a sweet sting of salt (rose sutherland)
all's well (mona awad)
bad cree (jessica johns)
biography of x (catherine lacy)
birnam wood (eleanor catton)
black sheep (rachel harrison)
bridge (lauren beukes)
brutes (dizz tate)
cackle (rachel harrison)
carnality (lina wolff)
comfort me with apples (catherynne m valente)
dead eleven (jimmy juliano)
death valley (melissa broder)
diavola (jennifer thorne)
episode thirteen (craig dilouie)
goddess of filth (v castro)
her little flowers (shannon morgan)
home is where the bodies are (jeneva rose)
homecoming (kate morton) i think this one may be a bit too long for me rn
house of hollow (krystal sutherland)
how to solve your own murder (kristen perrin)
i cheerfully refuse (leif enger)
i keep my exoskeletons to myself (marisa crane)
in my dreams i hold a knife (ashley winstead)
jawbone (monica ojeda)
knock knock open wide (neil sharpson)
lapvona (ottessa moshfegh)
leech (hiron ennes)
lone women (victor lavalle)
looking glass sound (catriona ward)
midnight is the darkest hour (ashley winstead)
mirrorland (carole johnstone)
mister magic (kiersten white)
monstrilio (gerardo samano cordova)
mother thing (ainslie hogarth)
my murder (katie williams)
natural beauty (ling ling huang)
near the bone (christina henry)
no one's home (d m pulley)
notes on an execution (danya kukafka) probably not for my next read LMAO
penance (eliza clark)
revelator (daryl gregory)
ripe (sarah rose etter)
silver nitrate (silvia moreno garcia)
sisters of the lost nation (nick medina)
the burning girls (c j tudor)
the centre (ayesha manazir siddiqi)
the death of jane lawrence (caitlin starling)
the haunting of velkwood (gwendolyn kiste)
the husbands (holly gramazio)
the last murder at the end of the world (stuart turton) even tho stuarts novels hurt my head
the last house of the flower bride (roshani chokshi)
the missing years (lexie elliott)
the other valley (scott alexander howard)
the return (rachel harrison)
the skeleton key (erin kelly)
these fleeting shadows (kate alice marshall)
things in jars (jess kidd)
this thing between us (gus moreno)
tripping arcadia (kit mayquist)
unsettled ground (claire fuller)
wrong place wrong time (gillian mcallister)
#booklr#bookblr#tbr list#reading#horror literature#horror novel#thriller novel#??? idk anything abt booklr :(
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Hello! First of all: love this blog! Second: I read a lot of queer books and as it turns out a lot of them weren’t already on your spreadsheet so uh. Sorry in advance for what I’m about to do to your inbox/queue 😅
Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé
Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo
Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli
The City in the Middle of the Night by Charlie Jane Anders
The Time Slip Girl by Elizabeth Andre
Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki
Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield
Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree
The Queen of Cups by Ren Basel
Girls Made of Snow and Glass by Melissa Bashardoust
Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron
This Poison Heart by Kalynn Bayron
This Wicked Fate by Kalynn Bayron
Werecockroach by Polenth Blake
In the Vanishers’ Palace by Aliette de Bodard
Wain: LGBT Reimaginings of Scottish Folktales by Helene Boppert and Rachel Plummer
In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan
Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown
Tremontaine: The Complete Season One by Patty Bryant, Malinda Lo, Racheline Maltese, Joel Derfner, Ellen Kushner, Paul Witcover, and Alaya Dawn Johnson
This Other World by AC Buchanan
In Memoriam by Nathan Burgoine
The Dark Beneath the Ice by Amelinda Bérubé
Felix Ever After by Karen Callender
Last Bus to Everland by Sophie Cameron
Out of the Blue by Sophie Cameron
Once & Future by AR Capetta and Cory McCarthy
The Brilliant Death by AR Capetta
XX by Angela Chadwick
A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers
A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers
A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers
The Vela by Becky Chambers, Rivers Solomon, Yoon Ha Lee, and SL Huang
Black Water Sister by Zen Cho
The True Queen by Zen Cho
The Terracotta Bride by Zen Cho
The Water that Falls on You From Nowhere by John Chu
The Shape of My Name by Nino Cipri
A Dead Djinn in Cairo by P. Djèlí Clark
Girlhood by Cat Clarke
Labyrinth Lost by Zoraida Córdova
Dreadnought by April Daniels
Sovereign by April Daniels
Thornfruit by Felicia Davin
Nightvine by Felicia Davin
Shadebloom by Felicia Davin
Her Majesty’s Royal Coven by Juno Dawson
Stay Another Day by Juno Dawson
Otherbound by Corinne Duyvis
Pet by Akwaeke Emezi
Bitter by Akwaeke Emezi
The Drowning Eyes by Emily Foster
Bingo Love by Tee Franklin
Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey
Knit One, Girl Two by Shira Glassman
The Gilda Stories by Jewelle Gomez
We Go Around in the Night and Are Consumed by Fire by Jules Grant
Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant
The One Hundred Nights of Hero by Isabel Greenberg
Keeper of the Dawn by Dianna Gunn
The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall
The Outside by Ada Hoffman
The Fallen by Ada Hoffman
The Infinite by Ada Hoffman
Mindtouch by MCA Hogarth
Sing the Four Quarters by Tanya Huff
The Apocalypse of Elena Mendoza by Shaun David Hutchinson
The City of Woven Streets by Emmi Itäranta
Godkiller by Hannah Kaner
Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann
The Beast of Callaire by Saruuh Kelsey
The Lamb Will Slaughter the Lion by Margaret Killjoy
An Excess Male by Maggie Shen King
Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe
Crimson by Niviaq Korneliussen
Godsgrave by Jay Kristoff
Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner
The Faerie Godmother’s Apprentice Wore Green by Nicky Kyle
Avi Cantor Has Six Months to Live by Sacha Lamb
When the Angels Left the Old Country by Sacha Lamb
Goldie Vance Vol. 1 by Hope Larson
Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl by Andrea Lawlor
Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie
Ancillary Sword by Ann Leckie
Ancillary Mercy by Ann Leckie
The Raven Tower by Ann Leckie
Not Your Sidekick by CB Lee
Not Your Villain by CB Lee
Not Your Backup by CB Lee
The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee
The Fever King by Victoria Lee
The Fox’s Tower and Other Tales by Yoon Ha Lee
Phoenix Extravagant by Yoon Ha Lee
Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger
Adaptation by Malinda Lo
Inheritance by Malinda Lo
Natural Selection by Malinda Lo
Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo
The Hand, the Eye, and the Heart by Zoë Marriott
Luna: New Moon by Ian McDonald
Luna: Wolf Moon by Ian McDonald
Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire
Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire
Beneath the Sugar Sky by Seanan McGuire
Come Tumbling Down by Seanan McGuire
Forbid the Sea by Seanan McGuire
In Sea-Salt Tears by Seanan McGuire
The Unbinding of Mary Reade by Miriam McNamara
An Accident of Stars by Foz Meadows
A Tyranny of Queens by Foz Meadows
All Out: The No-Longer Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages ed. Saundra Mitchell
Thistlefoot by GennaRose Nethercott
Princess Princess Ever After by K. O’Neill
The Tea Dragon Society by K. O’Neill
The Tea Dragon Festival by K. O’Neill
The Tea Dragon Tapestry by K. O’Neill
Under the Udala Trees by Chinelo Okparanta
Heartstopper by Alice Oseman
Loveless by Alice Oseman
Radio Silence by Alice Oseman
She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan
Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters
Stormsong by CL Polk
Soulstar by CL Polk
She Drives Me Crazy by Kelly Quindlen
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
The Tiger’s Daughter by K Arsenault Rivera
The Phoenix Empress by K Arsenault Rivera
The Warrior Moon by K Arsenault Rivera
A Taste of Gold and Iron by Alexandra Rowland
Birthday by Meredith Russo
If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo
The Midnight Lie by Marie Rutkoski
A Day of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon
Dying for a Living by Kory M. Shrum
Two Dark Moons by Avi Silver
History is All You Left Me by Adam Silvera
More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera
The Abyss Surrounds Us by Emily Skrutskie
The Edge of the Abyss by Emily Skrutskie
An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon
The Summer of Jordi Perez (and the Best Burger in Los Angeles) by Amy Spalding
The Traitor’s Tunnel by CM Spivey
Nimona by ND Stevenson
Chameleon Moon by RoAnna Sylver
Small Changes Over Long Periods of Time by KM Szpara
As I Descended by Robin Talley
Lies We Tell Ourselves by Robin Talley
Silver in the Wood by Emily Tesh
Drowned Country by Emily Tesh
Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas
No Gods, No Monsters by Cadwell Turnbull
Crier’s War by Nina Varela
Iron Heart by Nina Varela
The Empress of Salt and Fortune by Nghi Vo
When the Tiger Came Down the Mountain by Nghi Vo
Into the Riverlands by Nghi Vo
On a Sunbeam by Tillie Walden
Mooncakes by Suzanne Walker
Fingersmith by Sarah Waters
System Collapse by Martha Wells
A Big Ship at the Edge of the Universe by Alex White
The Black Tides of Heaven by Neon Yang
The Red Threads of Fortune by Neon Yang
The Descent of Monsters by Neon Yang
The Ascent to Godhood by Neon Yang
Waiting on a Bright Moon by Neon Yang
Taproot by Keezy Young
Phew! Finally got all of these queued! Thank you so much for the list, and for arranging them so neatly, which definitely made it easier to transfer over to a spreadsheet!
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summer reading 2023
in an effort to motivate myself out of a depression slump and enjoy some reading, i thought i’d share my summer reading list with ya’ll! i’m currently in a phd program for english literature so here’s a mix of fun reading and school reading that i’ll be doing until the end of august ♡ if ya’ll wanna talk books or have any recs for me through the summer, chat me up!!
Pet Semetary - Stephen King (5/5, fiction horror)
Dowry of Blood - S.T. Gibson (3/5, fiction, horror, queer rep)
The Hacienda Isabel Cañas (1/5, DNF)
Motherthing - Ainslie Hogarth
Reprieve - James Han Mattson
Project Hail Mary - Andy Weir
The House of the Spirits - Isabel Allende
Northanger Abbey - Jane Austen
The Devil Takes You Home - Gabino Iglesias
We Have Always Lived in the Castle - Shirley Jackson
The Castle of Otranto - Horace Walpole
Dracul - Dacre Stoker
Interview with the Vampire - Anne Rice
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë
Imperialism at Home - Susan Lynn Meyer
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My Wolfstar Masterlist
My brand: slow burn wolfstar with painful amounts of mutual pining, as well as angst, fluff, humour, slice of life and eventual romance based on the genuine affection, respect and just general ability to make each other happy that the boys have in canon.
I'm creating an entire seven part (plus bonus fic) universe in a series called A Werewolf's Progress (after Hogarth's "A Rake's Progress" and "A Harlot's Progress") which starts in 1971 and will end in 1998. It is canon compliant up until the end of POA, where it becomes wonderfully wolfstar and canon divergent. It currently contains:
The Wolf's Tail (It's a pun on 'The Prince's Tale' - geddit?... Never mind) Marauders Era multi-chapter long fic following the boys through their seven years at Hogwarts. Currently a WIP, currently posting fifth year (over 450k words and counting).
Letters to No One - a one shot set in the Azkaban years, Sirius and Remus write letters to each other which they never send, as they try and make sense of all that has happened (10k words - also available in Russian) Complete
A Grim Tale (a series bonus fic - not linked on Ao3) - A multi-chapter longfic set in the canon timeline. POA retold from Sirius's perspective. Come for the drama, stay for the Padfoot - Crookshanks bromance (90k words) Complete
It Wouldn't Be an Adventure Without You - multi-chapter, canon divergent fic where the wolfstar happens (because my slowburn is twenty years). Instead of going into hiding after POA, Sirius asks Remus to help him chase Peter all the way to Albania and stop the Dark Lord from rising again - high jinxs, various monsters and Umbridge ensue (150k words - also available in Chinese and as a TTS podfic) Complete
Still to come: fic 2) Dog Soldiers (the war years - canon compliant) fic 3) Gadding with Ghosts (the wilderness years - canon compliant) fic 5) Wolf, Interrupted (Remus's POV set in POA - canon compliant) and fic 7) Love in the Time of Horcruxes (set between GoF and DH - canon divergent)
The series itself will have a happy ending - but some of the individual fics will be very sad.
Russian translation by Red Yennifer
Chinese Translation by maybeonedayshewillbefree
Podfic by BurningAurora
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My stand alone wolfstar fics:
Dark Things Are To Be Loved In Secret - a multi-chapter long fic, slowburn, mutual pining and all the angst. After Godric's Hollow, Sirius and Remus take Harry and run away, but Dumbledore - believing they are spies - sends Snape to hunt them down and bring them to "justice". The type of fic you have to read by peeking through your fingers, and which will do nothing good for your blood pressure... but with a happy ending. (150k words) complete.
Bite and Prejudice - a multi-chapter long fic. Pride and Prejudice and Werewolves. Sirius is Darcy, Remus is Lizzie. Lily is Jane and James is Bingley. Staying very close to the original, but with added magic, muggles and Marlene McKinnon, Wolfstar play out one of the most epic slow burn romances of all time with plenty of misunderstandings and lots of sexual tension along the way. WIP
#wolfstar#wolfstar fanfiction#remus lupin#sirius black#canon compliant marauders' fic#canon divergent fic#regency au#harry potter fanfiction
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In Want of A Wife: Extra Viewing
Hello, everyone! Some people have asked me about extra reading or viewing in regards to my au and I’ve decided to do a series of books, shows, films, podcasts, and poems that I’ve used as inspiration for my story. I already have this list for my own reference and was planning to drop this on ao3 right at the end, but I thought I’d share it here in the meantime, so here’s my list so far! Not conclusive but for anybody who wishes to know what I’ve used up until now ☺️
So, here’s my list for extra viewing (shows and films, queer and historical/cultural)
Queer Viewing
Shows:
Gentleman Jack
Steven Universe
Black Mirror: San Junipero
Films:
The Handmaiden
Margarita with a Straw
Carol
The Half of It
Victor Victoria
Historical & Cultural Viewing
Shows:
Anne with an E (also includes queer references)
Pride & Prejudice
Vanity Fair (2018)
A Suitable Boy
Films:
Pride & Prejudice
Jane Eyre
Northanger Abbey
Emma (2020)
Little Women (2019)
Emma (1996)
Anna Karenina
Great Expectations (2012)
Becoming Jane
Documentaries:
In Jane Austen’s Footsteps with Gyles Brandreth
Extra On-Screen Influences:
The Sound of Music (The Laendler)
Sailor Moon (Harumichi)
Jessica Jones (Jeri Hogarth)
Grace and Frankie (for character dynamics)
The Favourite (for the costumes and queerness)
Marie Antoinette (for the aesthetic)
The Old Guard (Andy)
In the Long Run (additional cultural viewing)
She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (for diversity, but also related to some of the commentary I make on tropes in queerness)
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Manchu-style fashion)
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Reading List 2024
Currently Reading:
Coma by Robin Cook (Started 04.17.24)
Bitch: On the Female of the Species by Lucy Cooke (Started 03.04.24)
It by Stephen King (Started 01.20.24)
Emma by Jane Austen (Started 11.06.23)
The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan (Started 05.27.23)
Finished:
Clytemnestra by Costanza Casati (11.04.23 - 01.10.24)
Motherthing by Ainslie Hogarth (01.09.24 - 01.16.24)
Off-Balance by Dominique Moceanu (01.10.24 - 01.19.24)
The Best American Poetry 2022 by David Lehman (05.25.23 - 02.13.24)
Barbarian Mine by Ruby Dixon (12.03.23 - 02.20.24)
The Vegetarian by Han Kang (01.17.24 - 02.22.24)
Barbarian's Mate by Ruby Dixon (02.24.24 - 02.26.24)
Barbarian's Touch by Ruby Dixon (02.26.24)
Morning Glory Milking Farm by C.M. Nascosta (03.13.24 - 03.15.24)
The Lost Bookshop by Evie Woods (02.27.24 - 03.01.24)
Ariadne by Jennifer Saint (03.07.24 - 03.14.24)
Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao (03.27.24)
Nightbitch by Rachel Yoder (03.30.24 - 04.02.24)
Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White (04.11.24 - 04.15.24)
The Best American Poetry 2023 by David Lehman (02.13.24 - 04.19.24)
Sweet Berries by C.M. Nascosta (04.20.24 - 04.24.24)
*Any books that I would vehemently not recommend will be marked using an astrick.
#yes I am fully aware that several of these are shameless smut books#I read them and I enjoy them#poetry#literature#reading list#my goal is 40 books within the year of 2024#I read all of 3-4 books that weren't class essential since high school#so I'm thrilled with this list
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Cannon Hall
Artefacts
Dining Table in the Cumberland Style, 1790s-1800s
Side Table, Pedestals and Urns attributed to Thomas Chippendale, 1770s
Printed Plate with view of Cannon Hall by Rileys, early 19th century
Engraved Wine Glass, 1770s
Mahogany Wine Cooler, 1770s
Giltwood Mirror in Hepplewhite Style, 1780s-1790s
Centrepiece, 'L'Education de L'Amour' by Sevres, 1763
Claret Jug and Stopper, 1820s
Dead Birds by Franz Werner von Tamm, 1705-1715
William Wentworth, 2nd Earl of Strafford in Peer's Robes by Thomas Bardwell, 1750s
Portrait of Ben Johnson by British School, 17th-18th century
Portrait of a Lady in the style of Peter Lely, early 18th century
Henry Howard, 6th Duke of Norfolk by John Michael Wright, 1660s
Fruit and Insects after Abraham Mignon, mid-late 17th century
Lady Byron by William Hogarth, с. 1736
Portrait of Napoleon in Coronation Robes by François Pascal Simon, Baron Gérard, early 19th century
Mary Winifred Spencer Stanhope with her son, Walter by John Hoppner, 1787
Walter Spencer Stanhope by John Hoppner, 1790
Fruit and Lobster by Jacob Marrel, 1649
Copy of Gainsborough's 'The Blue Boy' by Henry Bone, 1780-1834
Sketch of One of the Artist's Daughters after Rubens, 18th century
John Spencer by Benjamin Wilson, mid 18th century
Family Portrait, previously thought to be Philip Stanhope, 3rd Earl of Chesterfield and Family with Servant by British School, c. 1720
Cocuswood Cabinet, 1670s
Armchairs in Hepplewhite style, 1790s
Pair of Giltwood Mirrors, 1770s
Cheveret (Writing Table) attributed to Thomas Sheraton, 1790s
Child's Chair, 1714
Pair of Candelabra in Neo-Classical style, 1780s-90s
Jane Dutton, Jane Elizabeth Coke and Anne Margaret Coke by Daniel Gardner, 1781
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