#Listen there is sometimes a theme re: fears

[belethlegwen]

The Rescue - Chp 48 - A Wrench In The Plans

Good morning everyone <3

I hope your weeks have been as good as they can be! We finally have sunny skies and warm weather here after weeks so cold and dreary it was finally starting to get to me emotionally as well as the massive energy drain. 22C right now with a little haze from the Quebec wildfire smoke finally reaching us, but I'll take it.

The latest chapter of The Rescue is now available for your enjoyment <3 Thank you all again for reading, liking, commenting and sharing! The morning "You've got Kudos!" emails bring smiles to my face every day and I can't tell you all how much it means that these silly little stories matter to other people, even a little. Thank you all so much <3

Hope you all enjoy it! And please have the greatest weekends the universe will allow you <3

Much love,

~ Belle

#g/t writing #g/t author #g/t #giant/tiny #gentle giantess #giant tiny #gtauthor #gt #Listen there is sometimes a theme re: fears #I've had some nightmares in my day ok #this poor lad #The Rescue #Melanie/Henry #between grief and everything else going on #sure just toss in some casual terror and pain #He'll be alright #if he lets himself anyway

[commsroom]

as an extension of how hera reads as trans to me, hera/eiffel resonates with me specifically as a relationship between a trans woman and a cis man. loving hera requires eiffel to decentralize his own perspective in a way that ties into both his overall character arc and the themes of the show.

pop culture is baked into the dna of wolf 359, into eiffel’s worldview, and in how it builds off of a sci-fi savvy audience’s assumptions: common character types, plot beats, or dynamics, why would a real person behave this way? how would a real person react to that? eiffel is the “everyman” who assumes himself to be the default. hera is the “AI who is more human than a lot of humans,” but it doesn’t feel patronizing because it isn’t a learned or moral quality; she is a fundamentally human person who is routinely dehumanized and internalizes that.

eiffel/hera as a romance is compelling to me because there is a narrative precedent for some guy/AI or robot woman relationships in a way i think mirrors some attitudes about trans women: it’s a male power fantasy about a subclass of women, or it’s a cautionary tale, or it’s a deconstruction of a power fantasy that criticizes the way men treat women as subservient, as property. but what does that pop culture landscape mean in the context of desire? If you are a regular person, attracted to a regular person, who really does care for you and wants to do right by you, but is deeply saturated in these expectations? how do you navigate that?

I think that, in itself, is an aspect of communication worth exploring. sometimes you won’t get it. sometimes you can’t. and that’s not irreconcilable, either. it’s something wolf 359 is keenly aware of, and, crucially, always sides with hera on. eiffel screws up. he says insensitive things without meaning to. often, hera will call him out on it, and he will defer to her. in the one case where he notably doesn’t, the show calls attention to it and makes him reflect. it’s not a coincidence that the opening of shut up and listen has eiffel being particularly dismissive of hera - the microaggression of separating her from “men and women” and the insistence on using his preferred title over hers. there are things eiffel has just never considered before, and caring for hera the way he does means he has to consider them. he's never met someone like hera, but media has given him a lot of preconceptions about what people like her might be like.

there’s a whole other discussion to be had about the gender dynamics of wolf 359, even in the ways the show tries to avoid directly addressing them, and how sexual autonomy in particular can’t fully be disentangled from explorations of AI women. i don’t think eiffel fully recognizes what comments like “wind-up girl” imply, and the show is not prepared to reconcile with it, but it’s interesting to me. in the context of transness (and also considering hera’s disability, two things i think need to be discussed together), i think it’s worth discussing how hera’s self image is at odds with the way people perceive her, her disconnect from physicality, how she can’t be touched by conventional means, and the ways in which eiffel and hera manage to bridge that gap.

even the desire for embodiment, and the autonomy and type of intimacy that comes with it, means something different when it’s something she has to fight for, to acquire, to become accustomed to, rather than a circumstance of her birth. i suppose the reason i don’t care for half measures in discussions re: hera and embodiment is also because, to me, it is in many ways symbolically a discussion about medical transition, and the social fear of what’s “lost” in transition, whether or not those things were even desired in the first place.

hera’s relationship with eiffel is unquestionably the most supportive and equal one she has, but there are still privileges, freedoms, and abilities he has that she doesn’t, and he forgets that sometimes. he will never share her experiences, but he can choose to defer to her, to unlearn his pop culture biases and instead recognize the real person in front of him, and to use his own privilege as a shield to advocate for her. the point, to me - what’s meaningful about it - is that love isn’t about inherent understanding, it’s about willingness to listen, and to communicate. and that’s very much at the heart of the show.

#wolf 359 #w359 #doug eiffel #hera wolf 359 #hera w359 #eiffera #i still have a lot more to say about this honestly. but i hope this makes sense as an overview of my perspective. #with the caveat that i understand how personal trans headcanons are and whatever brings you comfort in that regard. i think is wonderful #but to me eiffel is one of the most cis men imaginable. and that's a big part of what he means to me in this context. #when i said some of this to beth @hephaestuscrew the other day they said. minkowski missteps in talking to hera based on #a real world assumption about AIs while eiffel missteps based on pop culture assumptions. and i think that's a meaningful distinction and #is something that resonates with me in this context as well

[marley-manson]

re-watched The Sniper the other night instead of going on to In Love and War, and man, early Mash is just too fucking good I can't deal with it. the vibes are just right for me. Hawkeye is peak Hawkeye. the constant sardonicism towards war and the army is everything I want.

specific to the Sniper you have so much great stuff.

-- Great Hawkeye + Frank scene featuring Frank calling Hawkeye "Hawk," and Hawkeye being nice and reassuring because Frank is a scared idiot. It's genuinely kinda sweet.

-- Frank also says he flunked out of med school twice here because at his most sympathetic he will still never not be the butt of the joke and I love that too

-- I chose it to watch because of the overt Freudian stuff and that was definitely a delight despite the running gag about Margaret's rape kink

-- Honestly idek if that's a despite, since it fits the military satire so well. It's crass, and misogynist in adding the sexual element, but while she's the military representative who tells Frank to prove he's a man by going out with his gun and killing the sniper, it's functionally the same theme as Flagg's sadomasochism. ie mocking the glorification of specifically military violence, whether that's perpetuating or suffering it, as freudian in origin.

Like this is an episode you have to take satirically, you can't reimagine it as a genuinely harrowing brush with death these characters are experiencing, and that's the level it works on, and that's the level I care about. So like while Margaret's fears in eg Bug Out were meant to be taken seriously as an aspect of her character, here it's another freudian joke about the military. It's not great, but to me jokes in that context are less upsetting than the jokes in Bug Out's context, yk?

-- Hawkeye and Frank as foils was particularly pronounced here. I mean you have Frank showing his gun off to Margaret who gets hot and bothered over it while Hawkeye just has a picnic basket and a mild cunnilingus line with a nurse about twenty feet away from them. You have Frank as the violence representative and Hawkeye as the pacifism representative as discussed in dialogue and shown in attempted action, while Hawkeye is a more natural leader than Frank could ever hope to be (holding a hand up for quiet after Frank tries over and over to get everyone to shut up and listen to him).

And of course the violence is directly associated with masculinity - Margaret's "If we had a real man in this outfit he'd be out there in the night with his gun," saying it loud and clear. Followed by Frank as a coward who wants to prove he's a man but can't, and Hawkeye as a coward who couldn't care less about demonstrating his masculinity but tries to subdue the sniper when he gets a chance anyway, without a gun. Hawkeye's pointed lack of a gun twice as well, when he tries to surrender and when he goes to treat the sniper after the military shoots him. All opening ofc with Hawkeye's joke about pistol envy lol.

-- The north korean sniper as a hero (someone who's tired and hungry and doesn't give a damn), which is a connection I've seen drawn elsewhere and very deliberate.

-- Hawkeye has a few angry words about the young kids in the OR, which is echoed in his description of the sniper as 16 or 17, another excellent connection the show draws deliberately.

-- Hawk and Trap running back into the main office after getting fired on by the sniper, Trap trails behind a bit and almost gets shut out by Radar lol, but then as they're sitting shoulder to shoulder he's the first to ask if Hawk's all right <3

-- Hawkeye is such a dick to Radar in this ep and I love it lol, he's like a mean older sibling sometimes

#mash #marley on mash #mash s2 #i should just take periodic breaks from s6 i think #s7 8 and 9 are more my speed but i need some help from the early seasons to get thru this one #mash gs

[exmuslimangel]

Hello Tumblr. Hello fellow Ex-Muslims.

Hi everyone. I'm not sure anyone is gonna see this, but I still want to put it out there...

I really would like to get to know more Ex-Muslims. In general my life has been nothing but absolute craziness. I almost lost my life running away. Everyday of my life I made sure to know exactly where my passport is. Especially when we traveled out of Europe, because I knew the risks. The risks of me being married off, the risks of me being too "western" and being left in the Middle east.

All my life.. I have so much to tell, so much hurt. Now that I'm safe and lost everything (family, friends, sense of home).. I'm trying to re-build it. It's been 2 years and I'm still struggling pure fear in my blood. I'm 22 now. But thankfully it's leaving and I'm finally enjoying freedom more. I couldn't even hear the birds chirping a week after I got away. My brain was scattered. I almost lost my own life. I don't want to go into detail, however, sometimes I wish I could write a book. As the people who have listened to me always get surprised by this hidden, awful world that we live in as Ex-Muslim women.

My freedom, I had imagined since childhood. Since the day I became conscious. It kind of looked like this:

The little details are the ones that always made me jealous of images like these. Whenever I saw this cute theme of photos, even in ads I would wonder. Wow, the breeze on their neck must be wonderful. Just being in the forest, wow such cute colorful clothes. even a cute bracelet. No hijab and a million men who tell me everything I'm wearing is bad and haram.. even a simple shirt was a no-go. It doesn't cover everything...

Now this one is amazing. I saw this one a few weeks ago. The image makes it seem like it's after the sunset. In a beautiful field. No mom spam calling them to come back home because, otherwise their dad is gonna ---- them. Stress-free, enjoying nature and life.

This image I found, I see as pure freedom. I don't want to elaborate. But all my life I wanted to feel like the images I added here. I'm finally there. I'm finally healing.

I don't think anyone understands the oppression and awful life ex-muslim women go through, like we do.. I hope I get some people who slightly understand me. I've been on the subreddit for so long, I'm waking up again. I've been nothing but a shell. But finally i'm enjoying being alive.

And it was all worth it.

#ex muslim #freedom #text post #exmuslim #religious trauma

[o-uncle-newt]

Cabin Pressure Advent Day 22: Vaduz

In which everyone pronounces Liechtenstein differently. Including, sometimes, the same actors from sentence to sentence...

So I love Vaduz because of course I do- I've said before that I love the show's turn toward the heartwarming side, and Vaduz is a symbol that we are somewhere that we could never have been in the S1 headspace. There are two HIGHLY specific ways that that happens, one of which I greatly prefer to the other (though overall I enjoy both).

The Carolyn and Herc plotline is, obviously, catnip for me. You've seen my long screeds about vulnerability as a running theme in Cabin Pressure (as recently as yesterday!) and Carolyn has always had an issue with people seeing her for who she is rather than for the image she portrays. It's easier to be feared due to leverage and a loud bark than loved because of something intangible that you can't actually control... and that's even before one hits the hurdle of discussing one's own feelings! Because there's also the element of considering a partner's needs- Carolyn's very much been in the habit of steamrollering over people, and now she's in a relationship (loath as she is to admit it) with another person who needs something from her, whether reassurance or an outright commitment, and she needs to decide whether it is worth giving those things to him and, in the process, acknowledging what that means to her.

And the way it's done is great- and credits to the two EXCELLENT actors playing the scenes, who really manage to give that final bit a real sense of drama that has the scene end on a silent, emotive and suspenseful note that I shiver at every time. It's a sitcom, but it's also a little snippet of human drama. And arguments from people who love to argue and are sharp-witted are always so fun to listen to! The bit where Carolyn reuses Herc's "overreacting" joke, Herc calls it out, and she says "it's funnier because the stakes are higher" is both entertainingly meta and very true to the two of them as people- and the fact that it ends in medias res, and we know that this won't get resolved for a while, just makes the whole thing feel even more resonant.

Now for everyone else- so obviously this is a hilarious plot line (and very, VERY well plotted) and I DO like Teresa. I do. I love the reversal of the "slaying the dragon" thing and think the plotting here was great. For me, though, the major flaws were Maxi and Martin's plotline with him. Maxi's scenes with Arthur are fantastic, but I feel like he's a bit over the line from "cartoon villain" to "cartoon fantasy villain" in a way that kind of brings the episode a bit over the line into actual absurdity, especially given how relatively grounded Carolyn's plot line is. All of the royal stuff just feels very random, and while it matters less for Teresa, it's a bit more over the top for Maxi. And Martin's plot line with him... I don't know, it just felt a bit clunky in a way that I feel like late-season Cabin Pressure is usually better than. Sort of forced and with odd dialogue. I don't know, it's just a feeling I have, and it's not overwhelming enough to keep me from enjoying the episode.

But anyway, I am very glad that Martin got someone to go to Duxford Air Museum with him!

#cabin pressure #cabin pressure advent 2023 #cabin pressure advent #john finnemore #vaduz

[hwitzr]

general themes and ideas for my portrayal of katsuk.i:

a broken prototype: "then turn selfishness into a weapon. make things yours, make other lives and dreams hopes yours." / "it feels like i'm sad for an infinite number of my selves." / "it has to be perfect. to make up for it, to make for the fact that it's me."

butterflies:  re: metamorphosis, "you listen and you know you could live a better life than you do, be softer, kinder. and maybe this year you will be able to do it." / "i act and react, and suddenly i wonder 'where is the boy that i was last year?'... what would he think of me now?" / "mostly, i want to be kind."

fear of insignificance: "i want to try and be terrific, even for an hour, i feel like a time traveller: summer dissolves in my mouth and i can’t remember what it tasted like" / "it terrifies you. that you missed out on something."

without body and mind: "could i just ... let my molecules separate while you keep an eye on the burner? the flame's fickle. here's hoping it doesn't go out." / "i feared a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind."

guilt as an open wound: "i want to tell you this story without having to confess anything, i want to tell you this story without having to be in it." / "the enormity of my desire disgusts me." / "the strength of my desire, the speed with which it flowers, shocks me; i flinch and startle."

anger as someone else: "i began to realise that although the violence was over, i still carried it with me." / "let the current carry the body away. let it sink. let yourself grieve and learn from this: learn to love." / "violence does not always take physical forms."

and anger as all you are: "aside from luck, what has driven your career? rage. i'm fucking angry, man. about everything." / "i know if i had not discovered art, i would have become a criminal." / "he plays very badly, but it stops him from destroying things."

sometimes people can understand you better than yourself: "to be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning." / "i was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness."

a study in shame: "mother please believe me, ... i'm ashamed of the things i've been put through, i'm ashamed of the person i am." / "another morning and i wake with the thirst for the goodness i do not have." / "the horror of myself, and the meanness of myself.” / "isn't all that rage so ugly? and isn't it mine, still? good god, isn't it mine?"

you don't look to the past but drown through it: "when you leave your home and wander really far, you always think, ‘i want to go home.’ but then you come home, and of course it’s not the same." / "time passes, memory fades, adujusts, conforms to what we think we remember." / "it eats and tears away at me."

mother and son and the complexities that brings: "mother, i have pasts inside me i did not bury properly." / "i am a reflection of my mother's secret poetry as well as her hidden angers." / "i am my mother's child, and it terrifies me."

the ghost of who you were: "you are twenty-one and you know there are too many things out here. you're so afraid of becoming a ghost, but you are more afrai of what will happen if you don't." / "yes, i believe in ghosts, but we create them. we haunt ourselves."

#introspection. #listen................ i WILL slap any poetry i can to baku becos i have to #im legally binded #nah jk but in all honesty baku is like. fuckin hard to write/decipher i am in awe of ppl who've been writing him for a while #hes super complex and for a pea brain like me its difficult to fully grasp all the small nuances he has #esp becos hes super pivotal to the plot but his state of mind/etc. arent rly a focus esp as the manga went on #like in the earlier chaps all m.ight makes several notes about his instability but :/ then thats it #which is a real shame considering he doesnt just magically become a good person #hes still done awful things and has no idea how to fix any of it except literally fucking dying for izu apparently #ill probably add/edit/change this over the course of my writing but its a good foundation i think

[atlasllm]

WAIT DID U MEAN HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD???? HAVE U HEARD WAR CHILD? PARADISE LOST?

PARTY BY MYSELF???!!!!!!!

YEAH HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD KJBGDKD

I didn't answer this ASAP since I wanted to give my full Lore about Hollywood Undead + please remember I'm terrible with music genres so like

One of the things I really enjoy about music is buildup; hence why one of my favorite MCR songs is Demolition Lovers. It's 6 minutes of switching from part to part very beautifully, as well as constructing the narrative of the aforementioned Lovers. You get the soft intro, leading up into those initial "I'm trying, I'm trying", which stops but fades again to the "All we are are bullets", which ends in that AWESOME guitar solo(?) that keeps building and building to the "Phantoms forever" part.

Lots of other songs I enjoy have this sort of buildup; Undefeatable from Sonic Frontiers (which like, kinda makes sense as it's both a really good song and also meant to build up to each section of the boss battle it's from), King For A Day by Pierce the Veil, Last One Standing by Simple Plan, City Traffic Puzzle or Sweet Tangerine by The Hush Sound...

Heck, even when listening to Evanescence in 3rd grade I probably enjoyed Bring Me To Life for that reason as well

This Love This Hate has the benefit of also being a Blorbo(tm) song which is another story entirely that I don't feel like telling; but overall I enjoyed the buildup of that song and since I heard it first in a Blorbo AMV + I always associated its lyrics with said blorbo, but that was my first Hollywood Undead song. I'm not sure what genre it feels like since it doesn't sound like the harsher rocks of Three Days Grace or the pop punks of the Emo Trinity, but whatever it is, it's just overall very good at portraying a highly specific mood; similar to Viva La Vida by Coldplay to me, where it's such a melancholic mood for a feeling you simply can't place, but it still makes you Feel anyway.

Sell Your Soul I actually found through a random speedpaint video; I think I was actually looking for speedpaint vids set to This Love This Hate since sometimes I wanna see visuals while listening to my music when lyric vids don't suffice. It def feels more on the rock spectrum than This Love This Hate, which I absolutely enjoyed; but ough the BUILDUP being so much harshly rock-ish helps a lot. The lyrics always gave me the impression of someone being led to their own public execution; screaming from within that they fear their own incoming death, the fear and shame from realizing how many people come to celebrate YOUR OWN DEMISE, to some part of you saying FUCK IT, THROW IT ALL AWAY! FORGET ME! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! since either way, you're dying. Considering I enjoyed Three Days Grace in 3rd grade, I think there's something self indulgent in the lyrics + harsh music of Sell Your Soul.

This Love This Hate was just very personally endearing to me, like a blorbo-themed Viva La Vida. Sell Your Soul was outright BOPPIN' to me since its harsh lyrics and rock-y tone was just very appealing to me.

However, I remember going on a Hollywood Undead binge after accidentally finding Sell Your Soul... only to be a little disappointed that the things I was finding just wasn't capturing that same energy of either song

I definitely do have more Hollywood Undead songs in my playlists than just Sell Your Soul and This Love This Hate, but they're not particularly songs I've gone as crazy for as those two.

I'm not sure if I have time to re-listen to all of these to fully digest, but in re-listening to Levitate I quite like the sound but not particularly crazy for the lyrics. Young is odd because I quite enjoy the instrumentals I'm hearing, but something about the vocals isn't really hitting me as crazily either.

Also just in case bc I forgot it's one of their top songs: Bullet is pretty nice, I quite enjoy the contrast between sad lyrics and boppin' instrumentals! I have no problems with it other than it sounds quite different than the rest of my music playlist so that's why I haven't added it. Not to mention I did used to listen to it during my very bad sad boi hour moments so I definitely need to be in a specific mood to listen to it.

Paradise Lost is the only title I recognize from your ask, but listening to it again it DOES have a bit of dramatic buildup, but it's not hitting me quite much. It has a soft instrumental at the beginning but very harsh vocals, which is a bit of whiplash I personally am not a fan of for this song. I quite like how the chorus sounds at least! But it's such a highly specific vibe that I personally DON'T vibe with; I'll probably add it to my Liked Songs, but not my actual playlists. Not to mention I tend to add music on if I can see myself drawing to them, which I'm not really getting that vibe with Paradise Lost

BUT (and I'm doing this live as I write this post), I will listen to your other songs rq!

War Child, live thoughts:

what the fuck a horn

first lyrics this is more of a #slay song than the dramatics of sell your soul/this love this hate

this fr sounds like the kind of song you'd put over your best gameplay footage

i think that's what i'm thinking tbh, i tend to like more dramatic lyrics, but at the very least i'm enjoying the instrumentals! the vocals are pretty nice too even though they're talking about ass and alcohol; just kind of a disappointment for someone who's more for the dramatic songs

Good song! I could imagine myself drawing to this, but I am more for more dramatic lyrics than "mm girl sexy". I feel like I'd add this to my more boppin' playlists rather than my full on mish-mash of dramatic songs.

Party By Myself, live thoughts:

kiinda don't like this intro for some reason @_@

party music??

this feels more of a #slay song as well

this rap is bumpin' though

yea this absolutely feels like party music; GOOD party music though, like the kind you'd find on a 2012 dj playlist

once again, v bumpin! just perhaps not the kind of dramatic i tend to enjoy

Once again, good song! Oddly enough has the vibe of 2012 party playlists? I'm not sure if it's "imagine myself drawing" levels, but definitely I can see myself listening to this if I wanna feel those #party vibes. And there are a LOT of good party vibes songs out there.

The verdict: Bumpin' songs with no drama go in the Edgar Allan Poe meme playlist

I thiiink I prefer Party By Myself more than War Child? Those 2012 party music vibes just hit much better than the general #slay energy of the latter.

Once again, there's some level of disappointment I feel however; I do in fact tend to love the more dramatic vibes of Sell Your Soul and This Love This Hate in my general music. It's why I enjoy My Chem so much! Heck, my newest songs in my main playlist are about the #drama;

1.) A guitar instrumental cover of a song trying to capture the vibes of "The End"; a credits song, a death, your OWN even so!

2.) Love From The Other Side was introduced to me by a friend who also enjoys Fall Out Boy and introduced it to me as "dude the new FOB song sounds so anime". It's very dramatic in its buildup! ...But also Fall Out Boy lyrics have always been slightly incoherent to me so JKSBGKFS I don't tend to care as much when it comes to their lyrics

3.) Okay this one I added because it reminded me of an OC dynamic when I found it but like,,, cmon it sounds like breakup angst

4.) Heard this randomly as well, but always associated with a sort of seething hatred for someone who's wronged you; it feels like a musical embodiment of glaring intensely at someone

5.) Once again was imagining this one with an OC dynamic and like,,, yeah. #Drama

I think the TLDR is this:

I love drama and buildup within my music, and This Love This Hate and Sell Your Soul were perfect brainrotting songs back when I first listened to them! I would attempt to get into Hollywood Undead more, but each song I listened to just didn't really hit me as much as I wanted; maybe the vocals for one song weren't my cup of tea, maybe it was too much boobs sex and alcohol in the lyrics, maybe the instrumentals just weren't hitting me. Paradise Lost is definitely better than I remember, though once again still not HITTING me as well as those first two songs, and it's still not one I'd consider for my main playlist.

I'm glad to be able to share music with others, and I do quite enjoy the songs you've listed! I do quite enjoy Party By Myself more than War Child since it captures those 2012 party music vibes. However, there's once again the disappointment in simply preferring more dramatic songs than the #slay and party music vibes of these two. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, it's pretty much a matter of personal preference and a bit of surprise I managed to fall in love with Sell Your Soul and This Love This Hate out of all the songs from Hollywood Undead that DON'T fit their vibes! It's just a shame since in listening to those two I was hoping to find another Three Days Grace or Green Day kind of band within Hollywood Undead, but it's just simply not the vibe they tend to pursue within their music and I respect that.

Overall I enjoyed being able to ramble about this, and I'm at least happy to be introduced to new Hollywood Undead songs even if the vibes of them are the opposite of what I tend to enjoy within my general music taste :] Thank you so much for introducing me to them!

#atlas speaks; #atlas answers; #straycalamities

[fouralignments]

For the “get to know your writer” ask game - 3, 13, 20, 27, 74

Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

I get sparks of inspiration. I get bad dry spells as well, so it comes and goes. Often times I make little outlines on my phone with checklist features; to give me a sense where I want the conversation to go and what plot points need to be in there. From there I write, I usually like setting the scene with descrubtion to get my audience emerses. Sometime even though I have an outline, when I'm writing its more about finding where it all goes and letting it develop organicing or trusting my story of what and where it wants to go and where it wants to stop.

Sometimes, I have to step back and look at it from a different angle, for the answer to come to me, but its always been there, I just needed to find it. For example in chapter 7, I had this conversation between Peter and Sabah Nur and I need a transition between the next point because real conversation doesn't follow smoothly.

But when inspiration hits me rather that be from the podcasts that I listen to or film analysis or reading; I rework what they said and put them into the word doc. Sometimes I get ideas and have to write them down in my note section of my phone or even phrases that slip into my mind.

I go back on work on sections or move past trouble areas to work on the next point in the outline and go back and worth between them. Rinse and repeat until I feel its done. But, I have the bad habit of editing as I go and chasing rabbit holes thus increasing my chapter length. I sometimes worry that my audience will not like the length will skip over what I have wrote

Then check to see if everything makes sense. It takes me an entire day to upload, I go into word and type out the summary and whatever else is needed on ao3 and just copy/paste on there.

what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

(It should be noted that I have never EVER taken a creative writing course at the university level) Sometimes your writing has to catch up to your artistic eye.

It has three level:

1: you gotta get your basics down for technical wise like your sentence structure, word choice, using the correct punction etc. Like you gotta know the rules, before you know when break them and bend them when it comes to creative writing.

2: This is best summed up by Glenn Hetrick in the tv show Face Off said multiple. You need to have a reference library of shows, tropes, to see what came before and build on top of it. Understand why tropes, different readings of a show of movie, work the way that they do. Sometimes its better to watch and observe and analysis what went wrong on terrible show than a good one. Just engaging with the text

3: Read shit. Read on topics that you don't know about. Read think pieces.

I took classes on women studies, did survey course on the middle east, read 18 books on semester ranging from populism, poverty, 1954 Guatemalan coup d'état and 28 Mordad coup d'état. First you get exposed to ideas that can inspire you and depending on what your reading word choice, sentence length, I could go on. It helped me greatly better than my previous university did in teaching me how to write. I also started re-reading more writing how to books that I bought sometime back and took their advice seriously. This. helped me develop the language I needed to describe what was in my head. Also the power of the semicolon, run-on sentences I fear you no more!

I have to tell that I use to SUCK at writing, but in the process of having to write short essays and even a couple research papers per semester. It forced me to get better. Really get things down. The professors took the time to tell what I did wrong in papers.

Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

DOMESTIC SHIT

Its been pointed out to me that I write vulnerable moments between the characters rather that be between Erik and Peter, or Erik and Charles, or Peter and Sabah Nur.

What do you mean its not political?

Lots of food porn.

DADS

father-son relationships

For Erik:

I try my best to highlight his Jewish background and even in stories where it isn't apparent.

He does metal art like mystical menagerie of Ziz and leviathan, that do make an appearance in some of my fics.

Give my protective Dadneto any day; he's just so vulnerable around his son. He often sees his mother's eyes in Pietro.

Only Erik calls Peter, Pietro

His beard is called fuzzy. I find Fassy's veiny arms sexy and attractive.

He's very witty and sarcastic, but very worldly.

SHARKS

Yeah yes, Charles swimming with Erik in Shark form!

His singing and breadmaking, just him cooking is described as soulful. As a ritual for both himself and Pietro to help with establishing routine they sing Modeh Ani and Elohai Neshamah for the morning or blessings over food.

For Charles:

I've called his hair fluffy and feather-like mane many of times. He's associated with lavender, which is medicinal as he wants to heal both Erik and Peter but its also calming; also with pastel, lighter grays. His hands are soft and scholarly; I play up that aspect of his character. Shortbread and tea. I associate him with the spring, wildflowers, gardening.

Balancing out Erik in the parenting department. He's very motherly.

For Peter:

I associate him with hummingbirds. When describing his hair I often look up different slivery elements; I was very pleased with the tolkin reference in my Assassin Creed one-shot with Mithril.

Often described using celestial bodies and space, and metals.

He's neurodivergent and he flourishes under a patient teacher like Charles. He is very caring and kind, but suffers badly from self doubt and self esteem issues, a common problem in my fics. However, he doesn't think through things, but he's smart no dumb Peter here. He's trying to figure himself out and who he is.

For En Sabah Nur:

I've tired to my best to ignore or even re-imagine how Sabah Nur looks, so I focus on his eyes because Oscar Isaac has gorgeous eyes. For the character since he compesned with his eyes, voice and hands; I think why a lot of people didn't realize it was him was becuase in post ESN had to be dupped he really changed his voice for the role making it sound old.

I based much of his mannerism off of Oscar Isaac and if you see like him with Pedro Pascal or behind the scenes photos the dude gives good hugs and physical affection.

I also have given the nickname of En Sabah Nur giver of good compliments. Those are his two love languages that he primary uses.

I tired highlighting the milky prophet eyes. layered of his voice

Though surprisingly, I don't write the bite down on his lower lip tick that he has.

Though that may change in the future for the human less blue version in the future.

I am also giving him a fucking hobby, have it planned out, but he enjoy pottery. It turns out that yeah um Ancient Egyptians had pottery wheels. He also has an architect eye. With his powers it would probably help knowing material engineering, metallurgy, and chemistry.

What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

My least favorite part of writing is the first draft and actually getting over the hump of writing enough where I all I want to do is finish it and write glore.

When I am in the zone and the words flow through I feel like I can write for days; I stay up till 1 to 2 o'clock in the morning just being in that moment, while listening to ambient music that helps me get there.

You’ve posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it?

My descriptive language and just how I write the characters, its very disincentive. See answer above.

#ask4align #ask four alignments #long ass reply

[lokisasylum]

No Ordinary Love | Fic Trivia

♠- This oneshot is a re-write of a side-story from an original story I had. This was the side-background-story of the “two tragic lovers” in the main story. But was modified/changed to fit the Bangtan Universe.

♠- In case it wasn’t obvious, the title is based on Sade’s song “No Ordinary Love” and the song fits both the original story and yoonmin’s version.

♠- Takes place 8 years after the events shown in the RUN mv, particularly after JK’s accident.

♠- The story also takes place in a timeline where Jin leaves for good, but despite the odds neither of the\ boys ends tragically (unlike the SAVE ME comic or the HYYH books). So Jin has no need or purpose  to make a pact & “go back in time” to change things (therefore all of them live normal lives, even Jin).

♠- Yoongi’s car in the opening scene ( yellow and black '92 Hyundai Grandeur Azera ) is the same car that appears in DAECHWITA mv. 

♠- Out of the 6 tattoos Jimin is described having, the one on his forearm represents the theme of “Lie” and Jimin’s background story in the BU. At the same time its a nod to the vampire Jimin from my other fic “Forever, You Said”.

♠- Hoseok’s knee-injury that is mentioned by Jimin appears on a chapter of The Notes.

♠-  Jungkook’s accident is the one shown in ‘I NEED U’ (with the car) and also mentioned in ‘The Notes’ that Yoongi originally didn’t go see him. But instead of Hoseok confronting him about it, its Jimin who goes looking for him.

♠- Yoongi and Jimin’s past relationship is based on the fan theory from HYYH that Yoonmin were secret lovers, which is what sets off the fight between Yoonkook (in RUN mv). And that Jimin always felt guilty for, so he tries to make it up to JK by taking care of him when he’s out of the hospital (in The Notes we’re shown briefly a scene with Jimin taking care of JK who was in a wheelchair and also shown in the Euphoria mv that jikook may have gotten close at some point).

♠- Yes, vmon are together in this timeline. Its subtle, but they are.

♠- ‘Sometimes running away is an option.’ , this phrase that Yoongi mentally says after listening to Jimin talk about his past with Hoseok. Is based on the first verse from “Interlude: Shadow” which says:

[No one told me how lonely it is up here I can leap in the air but also plunge, now I know Running away could be an option too, pause]

♠- Yoongi’s flatmate, Jung-yeon, that is mentioned in the fic is actually the name of the actress that plays one of the girls in the HIghlight Reels (the one who is allegedly Yoongi’s gf, yes the one that offers him a lollipop to “help him start quit smoking” ).

♠- There were originally 3-4 possible endings to this oneshot. 2 of them were SAD endings, 1 was Happy and the last one being Neutral or a combination of the previous 3:

→On the first one Yoonmin would have actually gone inside the apartment together and the scene where Yoongi tells Jimin that he had fun would play out in similar fashion before the two share one final kiss. But then Yoongi would leave knowing that they couldn’t be together out of fear of him ruining Jimin’s life again.

→One the 2nd ending it played out similar to the first, but the moment that Yoongi starts kissing Jimin, Jimin would be the one to stop and pull away. while tearfully saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry please understand. I can’t do this to him again.” Confused Yoongi would look around the apartment only to notice the multiple photos of Jimin with someone else and looking happy. The person being none other than Jungkook as the two were together now. Finally connecting the dots in his head Yoongi would excuse himself before walking out of the apartment, knowing this would be the last time they’d see each other.

→The third ending played out similar to the final ending, except that Yoongi would leave right after Yoonkook’s conversation. Jungkook would head inside the apartment he shares with Jimin only to find him standing behind the door as if hiding. Minutes later Jungkook would proceed to ask him if this is what he truly wanted to which Jimin would reply “It’s better this way.” but just as he’s about to close the door Jungkook tells him that he still has time to catch up with Yoongi since the elevator that he took to go down has a delay and tends to stop on certain floors before actually going down. Jimin is conflicted but with a final push from Jungkook Jimin runs out of the apartment. The scene changes and Yoongi is finally making his way towards the parking lot grumbling about the elevator when Jimin’s voice stops him in his tracks and he turns around just in time as Jimin surprises him with another passionate kiss which he returns. Understanding this as a silent affirmation of wanting to start over the two would leave together to rekindle their feelings by making love at a hotel.

→And the 4th and FINAL ending which is the one we got, being an “Open/Hopeful” ending as we’re already told that Yoongi is done with running away and his feelings for Jimin have been practically marinating since they first saw each other at the club (same with Jimin though he was more reluctant to give in). But how their story continues to play out is up to the readers.

#No Ordinary Love #yoonmin #yoonmin au #hyyh #bts #bts au #bts fic #yoonmin fic #jimin #park jimin #min yoongi #suga

[barbaraheidenreich]

I just re-listened to this awesome podcast “Effective Reinforcement with Jesus Rosales-Ruiz and Mary Hunter” I can’t recommend it enough! https://animaltrainingfundamentals.com/podcasts/effective-reinforcement-with-jesus-rosales-ruiz-and-mary-hunter/ My special guests this episode are Dr Jesus Rosales-Ruiz and Mary Hunter. As hosts of the Art and Science of Animal Training Conference, they bring together behavior scientists and animal trainers to inspire both communities and elevate the conversation. The theme of the most recent conference was negative reinforcement. In this podcast we revisit this topic and so much more. Our discussion of negative reinforcement meant more exploration of Constructional Aggression Treatment (C.A.T). Jesus and Mary shared some great stories from the lab (even one about training a cockroach!) that are important for trainers to hear. Sometimes what occurs in a laboratory experiment looks very different from what trainers do. A great example was our discussion of counter conditioning. We also discuss the importance of function-based interventions and how positive reinforcement can have better effect once you take care of the negative reinforcement contingency already in place. This also tied into the issue surrounding coercive applications of positive reinforcement and how to remove those barriers. Jesus and Mary share some relatable real-life examples to help illustrate these issues trainers face, for example when animals show fear responses to new objects or household items. This episode is full of science and practical application, and I love that it left me thinking “I have so much more to learn!” #negativereinforcement #counterconditioning #constructionalaggressiontreatment #desensitization #systematicdensitization #behaviorscience #fearresponses #aggressivebehavior https://www.instagram.com/p/Crs6xcKr3W5/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#negativereinforcement #counterconditioning #constructionalaggressiontreatment #desensitization #systematicdensitization #behaviorscience #fearresponses #aggressivebehavior

[corkcitylibraries]

Cork in Verse | Ana Spehar Interviews Cara Kursh

Cara Kursh is from the west of Ireland and has been in Cork for the last 8 years. She hosts a monthly spoken word night called Sling Slang and has previously hosted music nights and open mics around Cork over the years. She is a singer songwriter who will be releasing her single 'Lonely Alien' on the 3rd of March. She will also be releasing her album "Moth in the Moonlight" in the upcoming Summer. Her music has been described as being "rooted in the personal, and each song a visceral journey through the creative landscape of her mind."

You are organising Sling Slang, a spoken word night. Can you tell us more about that?

Sling Slang is a monthly spoken word night in Maureen's bar in Cork city. It comprises of two guest poets, my friend Richard Pierce is the MC, there is a communal poem written line by line by the guests on the night and an open mic as well. It’s a nice intimate little evening of sharing and I find it so rewarding being able to hold a space to see people share their words and selves amongst what is always, a receptive respectful audience. Every night seems to be so different, and I always have such an afterglow after it’s on.

Is there a common theme, structure or style that you find yourself leaning to in your poetry?

I am mostly a songwriter and usually write while listening to music. When it comes to my poetry, I find I can jot down a poem very quickly, in quite a free form, after I feel like something has had an effect on me. I do this to try and capture the feeling I had at the time. They are kind of like time capsules that bring me back to something that I felt or was registering in that moment. In ‘A mucky throne’, I wrote that as I felt anxiety going into a philosophy talk, and in the philosophy talk we were discussing how you can hold this idea about a golden life that you are striving and failing to achieve which can cause anxiety and trying to carve happiness by appreciating the life you have, can be the antidote for that. An ‘Aithnionn Ciarog Ciarog eile’ came from a moment when I felt a little bit alone, and a yellow ladybird landed on me while I was walking around town. It made me think of the people in my life that I feel are my kin, and how sacred I feel these connections are, and how they help me feel like myself. I went into the nearest cafe and wrote that poem after the ladybird landed on me to try and capture what I was feeling then. 

Do you show your work in progress to anyone?

I tend to share the progress of what I’m writing almost instantly after I’ve written anything. I used to care so much about how other people would perceive what I had written, I wouldn’t share anything. I think sharing my works in progress is a personal rebellion against the me that wouldn’t share anything for years out of a fear of judgement. I hope that doing this might help others do the same, as I know so many people that don’t share their creativity for fear that it isn’t perfect. If only one person connects with what I’ve shared and fifty people cringe, I still feel it’s a win! 

Would you look on writing as a kind of spiritual practice?

I definitely would see writing as a spiritual practice. I feel sometimes if I can succinctly try and describe something that is stuck in my gut, the release of that feeling/emotion can bring me such clarity and connection to myself. Even if sometimes what I write might possibly not make sense to someone else, I think writing things down creates a golden thread between the rational and spiritual sides of myself, which I get a lot from. 

What are you reading at the moment?

I am currently re-reading ‘Steppenwolf’ by Herman Hesse at the moment! 

A Mucky Throne 

What is in this current feeling, 

A knot, a lump

In throat, shoulders, heart. 

Friction like velcro.

Worry like lemon 

Juice curdling my milky way. 

My universe is static and still,

As I try to fight invisible obstacles. 

Chasing my tail. 

My story wasn't created before me, 

My essence has been imbued

In me & by me. 

The building blocks

I've used to make my tower;

I am the brickmaker & the bricklayer.

When I see my tower I make sure to protect it. 

By warding off other shapes I feel 

Aren't intended for it  

I reject the reality of a golden tower 

As I sit on my grey throne

Nursing my insecurities. 

In my dreams 

I can see a tree. 

Branches outstretched 

With an infinite periphery, 

A seat made just for me. 

The throne is not gold, 

It has roots, branches and muck. 

Singing serenely.

Aithníonn Ciaróg Ciaróg Eile

A beetle recognises another beetle, 

amidst a busy crowd. 

Amidst all that is 

dizzying, distracting and loud. 

When I am around these beetles,

I can feel the sense of their depth.

We are all linked underneath, 

far below, by sea bed. 

To see someone and know someone, 

And to be recognised, is magic. 

It's easy to trick myself into 

pretending that I don't need it. 

Real connection like the din 

of a hidden jungle drum, 

underneath layers of concrete. 

I want to support, and lean on,

My spotted ciaróg kin.

#CorkCityLibraries #CorkInVerse

[gwentrification]

Got tagged by the lovely @wuggen for an ask thign so here goes!

Last...

Beverage: Cranberry-pomegranate juice! It’s so good.

Phone call: Talked with my parents about some student loan stuff because we live in a society.

Text message: Also talking with my mom about aforementioned student loans.

Song you listened to: Uhhhhhh I’ve been on an FFXIV music kick lately because I’m a nerd so I think the Shadowbringers theme?

Time you cried: The last time I really cried was a few weeks ago probably. Personal stuff etc.

Have you ever...

Dated someone twice: Nope!

Kissed someone and regretted it: Yeah. My first couple romantic relationships were less because I was feeling it and more a mildly cute person asked.

Lost someone special: In some ways! I don’t talk as much with some of my old friends as I should.

Been depressed: You fucking know it

Been drunk and threw up: Yes. 4Loko is of the devil and I fear any person who drinks that shit for fun

Last year, have you...

Made a new friend: A lot lately yeah!

Fallen out of love: Nyope

Laughed until you cried: Yes! If the humor is just stupid enough I turn into a hyena.

Found out who your true friends are: This is a weird question tbh.

Found out someone was talking about you: Nope! Though if they were, that’s fine I guess? I’ve been known to talk about other people so it would be unfair not to accept it in kind.

General

How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life?: The last time I used Facebook was to stalk potential jurors for a jury trial that never happened lmao.

List 3 favorite colors: Most blues, black, and the red of leaves in the autumn.

Firsts

First surgery: I think I got my tonsils out when I was a baby?

First piercing: Had my nips pierced for a while but I took them out when I started HRT. should really get them re-pierced at some point.

First best friend: Some nerd named Cole. Considered him my best friend up until like 7th grade.

First sport you joined: I did soccer for five minutes when I was like seven before I burst into tears and went home.

First vacation: My family used to go to the Outer Banks when I was younger! Beautiful area really. I’m usually a mountains gal but I could live there or in Provincetown and just watch the sea forever.

First pair of trainers: I have no goddamn idea.

Right now

Eating: Cheap yakisoba because I didn’t feel like being healthy. It’s got spice packets :)

Drinking: Cranberry juiceeeeeee

I’m about to: Probably play some games with my roommate in a bit!

Your future

Want kids: I’m a grade A idiot, I would so mess up a child. If I ever do want them I’ll probably adopt; I doubt I’m fertile at this point anyway

Get married: Seems messy in poly relationships, but I might consider it for the tax benefits.

Career: Attorney, hopefully! Gotta actually study for the LSAT.

Which is better

Lips or eyes: Eyes! There are so many variations.

Hugs or kisses: Hugs! Kissing is a lot of fun but sometimes the concept grosses me out.

Shorter or taller: Taller, though I’m not really picky about it!

Older or younger: Generally a bit older? Dating younger feels a bit weird to me.

Romantic or spontaneous: I feel like romance can be spontaneous?

Nice stomach or nice arms: Stomacchhhh. So much to love. Though if a girl can pick me up there’s at least a 70% chance that I’m swooning.

Sensitive or loud: Sensitive I think. I don’t mind a bit of noise but too much sets me on edge.

Hook-up or relationship: Relationship! I don’t mind hookups but I wouldn’t do it with someone I wasn’t at least acquainted with.

Trouble maker or hesitant: Depends on the trouble! 

Have you ever...

Kissed a stranger: Nyope

Drank hard liquor: Yes, but I prefer vodka in some kind of juice.

Lost glasses/contacts: I can see, HA

Sex on first date: Hmmm sorta! My first bf and I got a little handsy after we got back from visiting Niagara Falls, but we weren’t dating before then so I would hesitate to call that a date (hesidate?)

Broke someone’s heart: Probably yeah. It’s made me a bit more cautious about just leaping into romance.

Been arrested: Nyope

Turned someone down: Yeee. Internet dating can be hard

Cried when someone died: Yes

Do you believe in...

Yourself: I do exist yeah

Miracles: Nah

Love at first sight: I’m not going to judge every person’s experience, but it doesn’t really happen to me personally. I can form crushes easily but it takes some time for that to deepen.

Heaven: Not really, and I don’t really care if it does exist

Santa Claus: Only when it’s funny

Kiss on the first date: If the vibes are right

Angels: I hold to that most centrist of theistic beliefs, agnosticism. I think the existence of the divine would be in some ways very comforting, but in others very disturbing. On the whole I’m inclined to think not.

Apparently you’re supposed to tag 25 people but I feel uncomfortable just @ing people so if you really wanna do it go for it and pretend I called you out specifically

[sugamamacustard]

Sweet little chick

 Pairing: Mafia boss! Alpha! Sugawara Koushi! X Omega! Reader

Genre: Fluff, Yandere

Request: N/A

Summary: The Karasuno Crows fell to the will of one person and one person alone. You were expected to do the same to the mama crow.

Warnings:  Slight/Yandere! Themes. Stockholm Syndrome, Collars, dresses, blood/core/ mafia compliant violence. 

Author’s Note:  An anon on my main blog (Shameless plug, it’s @angstyclowns​) sent me an amazing message and I took care of myself for once and now I’m super motivated! Also, I’m tried keeping this gender neutral, but reader does end up in a dress and thigh highs, so I’m sorry for that!

Requests: Open!

Disclaimer: I do not condone the acts below, please do not kidnap people you fancy and force them to stay against their will until they pull a beauty and the beast. Thanks for reading!

Sugawara Koushi

➵ You weren’t sure how long you had been there. 

➵ In fact, at this point you weren’t sure you cared. 

➵ You were respected here. People groveled on their knees at your feet for your favor, just to make you smile.

➵ Because if you liked them, your alpha was less likely to slit their throats. You were a direct link to getting in the alpha’s good graces.

➵ At first, you hated it. Hated the feeling of people begging you for their lives.

➵ And sometimes, sometimes late at night, you hated it now too. Hated how their screams still rung in your ears, begging and pleading for you to help.

➵ Most times, your alpha tried to keep you out of the bloody weeds of his business, but some times, when Noya or Hinata weren’t quick enough to stop a new guy who royally messed up from begging you to call off the hit.

➵  At that point, you had to hide in your nest, close your eyes and cover your ears until Suga came to comfort you.

➵ In the beginning you would smack him away, but now you craved his touch. His hugs, his purrs, his words of reassurance, anything he would give to you to settle your fears. 

➵ You weren’t sure why you pushed him away in the first place, as you were much better now. You were getting help after the untimely death of your parents (Car accident), you had friends (Suga allowed you to keep company with some of the other crows’ omegas), and everything you wanted at the snap of your fingers.

➵ You were perfectly content with life as it was. 

➵ But that didn’t mean you didn’t have your own rules to follow. 

➵ Your alpha had several rules to follow, especially because of the role he played. 

➵ When he had meetings with Fukorodani or Nekoma, you were to sit on his lap, in whatever tight little number you were gifted that day, and stay quiet. Occasionally, Daichi (Who ran Karasuno along side Suga) would bring his own omega and you two would be allowed to talk quietly among yourselves or play Animal crossing together. 

➵ If you had a concern or comment, you would whisper it to Koushi, who would either allow you to share or re-word it himself.

➵ The other leaders thought you were the second cutest thing in their worlds (Their own omegas holding first. But you were reminded them of their own omegas they left at home) and always listened when you spoke, treating you like a valid member of the Karasuno crew.

➵ Which you were. 

➵ But not in the same sense as everyone else. You were more-or-less an innocent bystander that held the title. 

➵ Under no circumstances however, were you allowed to talk to someone that wasn’t approved by Koushi. Kuroo, Bokuto, Oikawa (Read, Iwaizumi), even Ushijima were all approved, their omegas too, but no one else. 

➵ They understood this, growling at their guards and anyone else they brought for a meeting to stay away. 

➵ But unfortunately, not all people took the gracious warnings they provided. 

➵ The day started off like it normally did, with Suga waking up far earlier than you cared to know. 

➵ He pecked your lips while you groggily watched him get ready, button his shirt while you sat up to run your hands through his hair.

➵ “Do you have to leave so early, Koushi?” You whined, pulling him down once more to hug him tightly. He chuckled in your ear, pecking your cheek before prying you off. 

➵ “Unfortunately I do, sweet thing. But I promise, I’ll back to pick you up for the meeting later.”  A final kiss was pressed to your lips before your alpha was off, tightening his tie on the way out and slinging on his suit jacket.

➵ Predictably so, you went back to bed, sleeping until a knock on the door woke you up. 

➵ Hinata walked in slowly, beaming down at you brightly before setting down a silver and gold box and walking back out, closing the door behind him. You liked Hinata. He seemed to have a second sense to when you wanted to talk or when you just wanted your alpha.

➵ His omega was lucky. 

➵ But you were more lucky. You got to see your alpha soon, since he always had your dresses delivered in the time frame that allowed you to get ready right before Suga would show up to pick you up

➵ So you shakily got up, stretching and yawning before picking  up the box and sliding off the top. The dress inside was a velvet black up until the bodess, which was a sweetheart neckline. From there, a mesh overcoat covering your shoulders and arms hooked around your neck. It was beautiful. 

➵ So you slipped it on quickly, styling your hair with dry shampoo and whatever else you deemed appropriate and slipping some black thigh highs to match  before clipping on the final accessory

➵ It was a pristine white collar that buckled around your neck, with a small white bell and a hanging heart charm that simply said your name. It wasn’t as extravagant as the other omegas’ collars, but it suited Suga-- who, in a way, owned you. 

➵ Like clockwork. the moment you finished tightening the collar your alpha was knocking on the door, opening it soon after and smiling at you. 

➵ He was in a different suit then what he left in and his knuckles were wrapped, but you didn’t want to question it. 

➵ “Ready to go?” 

➵ You nodded excitedly, hooking your arm with his and making your way out of the room. He grabbed your switch (Which he had gifted you, custom with your favorite colored joycons) on the way out, soon leading you to the ‘meeting room’. 

➵ Daichi and Kuroo both smiled from their conversation when you two finally made your entrance, nodding in your direction. 

➵ Suga sat in his chair, allowing you to sit in his lap right after before passing you the gaming console and starting the meeting. (Kuroo and Daichi said something about how lucky Suga was that you were ‘ready’ whatever that meant)

➵ You didn’t care to listen, probably for the better, only playing animal crossing with small hums leaving you. 

➵ Twenty minutes in and all was fine with minimal disagreement on whatever was going on. At least, minimal trouble for the alphas.

➵ You felt a sense of unease set over you while you were playing a while ago but hoped it would just disappear. 

➵ But it never did. 

➵ You looked up to see Suga completely enveloped in the conversation with Kuroo and Daichi, so it wasn’t him, nor the other two alphas. 

➵ Looking around, you noted it wasn’t any of the Karasuno crows that were in there. 

➵ All the usual people Kuroo brought with him were focusing on the void. 

➵ All but one. You had never seen him before but he looked slimy from here. Even Lev (One of Kuroo’s bodyguards that got along with literally everyone, including you) was standing far away from him.

➵ His hair was greasy and blue. A gross as blue that looked like he tried to go for silver but failed. 

➵ It was disgusting to you and he was staring directly at you. Who tf was this guy???

➵  You mindlessly nuzzled back into Suga’s arms, which made him falter and look down at you before going back to the conversation (A land deal?) 

➵ But the feeling never faltered. 

➵ You had tried getting up to go the bathroom once during the meeting but the feeling at you sitting right back down, trying so hard to focus on your game. Your scent was burnt slightly, which set Suga on edge, but what made it even worse was when the boy- smelled like beta- offered to take you off of Suga’s hands for the meeting. 

➵ “A frail thing like her shouldn’t be in the company of such vile conversation topics, yeah?” 

➵ “We’re talking about land, what about that is vile?” Suga sneered, switching from looking at you to the man. He could tell you were off the moment you burrowed into him.

➵ There weren’t any excited giggles coming from you if you discovered something new. No squeals of joy when you finally, finally caught that fish you had been trying to catch for however long. Nothing. Silence and tense muscles.

➵ He had been trying to figure out what was wrong with you the entire time until it suddenly clicked. 

➵ The male spoke and you were grabbing his shirt like a lifeline.

➵ It was him. 

➵ This beta was making his omega uncomfortable. 

➵  Kuroo and Daichi picked up on this fairly quickly, Kuroo already apologizing to Daichi before looking to the Beta. 

➵ Suga didn’t hear what they said, but he felt Daichi pushing you and him out of the room. A silent promise in his eyes.

➵ He picked you up effortlessly, taking you to your room and setting you in your nest and scenting you excessively

➵ You whimpered and allowed him to do so, the switch being discarded somewhere. 

➵ Suga held you to his chest for hours after that, silently planning  ever terrible thing he would unleash unto the unsuspecting beta. 

➵ there was nothing in the world Suga wouldn’t do for you. 

➵ He killed for you once and he’d do it again over and over again.

➵ Whether it be faking a car accident or disposing of trash, keeping eyes on you with specially planted agents, Suga was willing to do everything for you. 

➵ And he certainly had the means to do so.

#Koushi Sugawara #sugawara koushi #suga x y/n #suga x reader #sugawara x y/n #Alpha sugawara x reader #alpha koushi sugawara x reader #alpha suga x omega reader #alpha sugawara x omega reader #haikyuu!! #a/b/o haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #alpha/beta/omega AU #alpha/beta/omega verse #alpha/beta/omega #mafia au #yandere haikyuu #yandere sugawara #yandere suga x reader #haikyuu mafia #haikyuu mafia au #mafia boss! Sugawara Koushi #Mafia boss Suga x reader #custard writes #mafia boss sugawara koushi x reader #mafia boss sugawara x reader #yandere x reader #yandere #yandere headcanons #haikyuu headcanons

[black-kefta]

Book Recommendation: Harrow Faire Series by Kathryn Ann Kingsley

So i know this isn’t what i usually post and is probably a one-off, but i just had to talk about this YA book series i just finished binging. It’s a YA fantasy series set in modern day (2020) where the protagonist -Cora Glass- is thrust into a dark mystery revolving around the bustling circus/carnival that arrived in town seemingly overnight despite all logic indicating otherwise. The series has romance, mystery, a little horror, found family and deep existential questions. I’ve tagged Shadow and Bone because i went into that series assuming it would include some of the tropes Harrow Faire actually explores on satisfyingly. 

Cora Glass is, like Alina Starkov, reluctantly thrust into this bizarre magical world without much warning and expected to fill a role she doesn’t want. However, unlike the Sun Summoner, she’s actually curious by nature and confidently pursues answers rather than wait for someone to hold her hand through everything or drag her kicking towards the plot (*cough* Mal, Darkling, Genya, Baghra, Mal, Nikolai, Mal again *cough*). Cora, despite suffering from tremendous chronic pain, is witty, sarcastic, brave, fun and clever. She's no-nonsense without being disrespectful. She can acknowledge when she's wrong about someone/thing without re-writing her whole perspective everything relating to them/it. She listens to others but doesn't let them think for her. She also has relatable moments where she's consumed by confusion, anger or fear and needs support from others to pull her out of it. Her character arc is done so well because she is the one who tries to figure what she really wants, what she's willing to sacrifice and how she's going to get there. 

Although if the thing you look for in a love interest is serious brooding stoicism then these books definitely aren't for you. The dynamic between the two is at the heart of the series and Simon “The Puppeteer” Waite is undoubtedly, unapologetically insane. While he is outgoing, charismatic and funny, he is not some misunderstood bad boy with a secret heart of gold. His behaviour is unsettlingly cruel and erratic and, excluding the few area's he draws a vague moral line, he will obsessively go to any lengths to get what he wants- and his wants are always selfish. What's more is Cora is fully aware of this from the start and is drawn to him because of it. While they mostly banter back and forth, on a deeper level she's the only one who can truly push/challenge him and vice-versa. You truly get the sense that they bring out the most in each other and root for them in spite of how terrible a person he can be- another thing i was disappointed with in Darklina that this series fulfilled.

The setting is also incredibly dynamic and thoroughly explored- mostly taking place on the carnival grounds where everything is somehow surreal and grounded. Every single character from the faire meshes with it so well in their own way it makes the world feel alive. No matter how small, every background character is unique and interesting.

The villain(s?) are also incredibly compelling and feed in to deeper themes of good vs evil and what it means to live/survive. At no point does it fell like the author is grabbing you by the hair and saying 'SEE THEM? SEE HOW EVIL?!' DON'T YOU HATE THEM? NO?!! YOU'RE DISGUSTING!'

These books will sometimes subtly hint at the chance to include an annoying trope only to immediately shut it down. Some examples include; the hot mean girl out to sabotage the protagonist for no reason, unrequited love interest, love triangle, high-school cliques in an adult setting, bad guys motives going completely unchallenged and (most importantly) characters who ignore every red flag under the sun for the sake of plot convenience. 

All in all i finished these books in a couple of days and will probably return to them soon. If you do decide to give them a go feel free to message me your thoughts- there's virtually no fandom around them yet and i just think that's a shame considering how good they are. You can comment/message me any questions and i'll try to respond quickly to the best of my ability.

TL;DR- If you'd like to read a compelling fantasy series set in a magic Carnival with a fun-but-dark love story and a proactive protagonist, give the first book- The Contortionist- a try and trust me when i say it only gets better.   

#book recommendations #harrow faire #harrow faire series #the contortionist #circus #carnival #faire #bookblr #book #book series #shadow and bone #Darklina #shadow and bone spoilers #the contortionist harrow faire #cora glass #simon waite #dark romance #Kathryn Ann Kingsley

[lebrookestore]

tape 5: play

Pairing: Zhong Chenle x reader

Themes: angst, ex! au, college-ish au, small town au. It goes back and forth a lot

Warnings: heavy angst, bittersweet ending, swearing, its very sad, chenle is a jerk

Wc: 6k

Playlist: 2 kids by Taemin, Gone by Rosé, Instagram by Dean, I still do by Why Don’t We, Believed by Lauv

Taglist: @danishmiilk @channoticedmeuwu @chicksung @1-800-seo @blueprint-han @jenosslut @cupidluvstarrz @kkakkdugi @sweetlyjaem @vera-liscious @leetaeyonglover @kunrengui @unknown5tar @kisshim @intokook @mrkcore @coco-riki

Summary: A year after your boyfriend moved away, you find yourself sitting in your room with five tapes, earphones, a cassette player and what you hoped, and feared, was closure.

Authors Note: hello! this fic was supposed to be a small blurb but then i got inspired and lo and behold its a full fledged fic! I can’t believe I wrote this in two days sdfjfjkfjk. Feedback would be very much appreciated for this, since I’ve never written anything like this before ;-;

Midtown, almost got a place out of midtown, Instead I took a plane out of this town, And missed out on us 

~

It was a sunny Saturday morning, as you pulled into your driveway, coming back from the store. 

Parking the car and getting the bags, you walked up to the door, knocking it and waiting. You were met with your mother’s smiling face as she took one of the bags of groceries from you.

You lived in a small sleepy town, and attended the college there as well, which meant you still stayed with your parents. You were fine with that, you liked living there, and you could forgo the stress and anxiety of having to re adjust to a new place.

This was your home. It always had been.

Of course, you had been on holidays to other places, you had visited the other town, but when it came to it, you had always found yourself back where you started. There was no other place for you, there never would be.

It was the truth, but it held something bitter.

Then again, you had enough going on already, with being in your freshman year, straight out of high school, college life was very different. You had been to a total of two parties so far, courtesy of your best friend— Lia— dragging you with her. 

You had enjoyed them, but it wasn’t something you would voluntarily participate in again.

The workload was something that had definitely changed, bogged down with mandatory lectures and assignments, tests popping up like a bad smell, you had more than enough to occupy you.

“Something has arrived for you!” Your mother said, almost excitedly, “It’s on the table.”

You helped her put away the groceries, walking to your living room, eyes falling on the package sitting on the table. It was somewhat shabbily wrapped, with tape haphazardly stuck on it to keep it together, and a tag pasted on the top.

Picking it up, you pass it from your right hand to your left, feeling its weight, reading the little tag. It held your address, your name and another name you hadn’t seen in almost a year.

Your mind ran at a hundred miles per minute, wondering why it was here, why his name was on it. It made no sense to you.

“Darling? Are you okay?”

Your mothers voice snapped out of your reverie, nodding slowly, “I’ll be in my room, finishing off a project”, you said carefully, trying not to show any sort of emotion as you climbed up the stairs of your house, two at a time, making sure not to drop the package.

Closing the door, you place it on your bed, reading over the tag again, a bitter taste filling your mouth. A name you hadn’t thought of in a year coming back now. It was so random, so absolutely unnecessary.

You curled your fingers around the messy brown paper, tearing it open as your mind reeled. The crackling sound filled the silence as the contents of it make itself known to you.

A shoebox.

It’s dusty, a dark blue colour with a line of red running at its side. There were two holes on either end, lined with metal piping and you could just about make out the nike symbol on the top. You brushed your hand over it, the dust coming off easily and sticking to your fingers.

Why would he send you this?

His name sticks out on the tag like a sore thumb, reminding you of what you lost, mocking you. Always content with where you are, hmm? His voice comes back, as clear as day. It’s as if he’s standing there, giving you his chesire cat grin as he spoke the words.

Zhong Chenle.

Lifting the lid off the box, you’re thrown into confusion. A cassette player, a pair of earphones, and five tapes. Picking up the player, you smile briefly at the dramatic set up. He could’ve called you, or sent a message, so why did he take the pains of sending you something as old and unnecessary as this?

Then again, it had been a year since he stopped picking up your calls, since you stopped trying to call him.  A year since all contact had been cut off, as if he had never existed in the first place.

Sometimes you wondered if Chenle had been a hallucination. An imaginary friend.

Friend.

The questions filter in. Why? It had been a year, so why had he sent you this now? You had finally told yourself you were over it, that you didn’t need an answer, but somehow as soon as you did that, you found yourself sitting in your room on your bed with what could be it.

The tapes were numbered in permanent marker in his messy handwriting, from one to five, indicating the order in which they were to be listened to in. You picked up the first, slotting it in the player and waiting.

You didn’t know what you were waiting for.

You pressed play. There was crackling, but only for a moment, until  it went silent. Maybe this was all a mistake, maybe this wasn’t even happening. Maybe-

i] tape 1: you deserve to hate me

Hey

His voice cut through your spiraling thoughts as you froze in place. He sounded the same as you last heard him, a little muffled due to the recording but the same. At the same time he sounded like a stranger. There was silence for a moment again, before he spoke up.

This is stupid isn’t it?

You felt the urge to answer, but your mouth went dry. It had been so, so long, and even though you had adequate time to get over him, it suddenly felt as if you were treading unfamiliar territory once again. 

I-I don’t know why I’m doing this. I think it’s because I feel so horrible, I need an outlet. I guess speaking it into existence and recording it makes is my outlet. Making it all real.

But that’s fucking terrifying.

You don’t think you’re following, confused once again. 

Y/n

You hear him take a deep breath right after your name, and it sends a chill down your spine, hearing him say your name once again. You had almost forgotten how it sounded.

I don’t know if you’ll ever hear this, or listen to it. If you don’t I’ll actually be glad. You don’t deserve to, I’ve been a jerk to you. I’m sorry. I hope you hate me, I definitely deserve it.

I’m moving in two months.

The realization hits you, this had been recorded a year ago as well, two months before he left without a word or warning. It was old, he was here when he recorded it.

You didn’t quiet know how you felt, not yet anyways.

And you won’t know until I’m gone.

I’m moving to Korea, and I refuse to tell you, even if it makes me the bad guy, even if it feels worse, because that’s my dream. 

I got signed by a record label after sending them that demo I did —remember it? We both went to the studio together, you listening outside as I sang. You were right by my side, all the time.

Except now when I record this, except when I leave. 

I refuse to tell you, because the moment I do I know it’ll be real, realer than it is now as I say it. I don’t want to see the look on your face when I say I’m going, I know it’ll make me want to stay, but I don’t want to stay.

You knew exactly what he was talking about, you could recollect that day clearly. There was a small studio a little outside the town. That day, he had booked it for two hours to record a demo, his singing mentor with him and you tagging along.

It had always been like that, the two of you against the world, until, of course he left.

I physically can’t stay, I hate it here Y/n. It’s not for me, I want to get out, that had always been the plan. I want to get out and be free, I want to achieve my dreams. Maybe it’s selfish, maybe I don’t deserve a minute more of your time, but I want it all.

That’s why I’m not going to tell you —so I can have it all, at least until I don’t have you.

But you, you don’t deserve this, do you? Of course you don’t, but I suppose you’re the one with the shitty luck, you’re the one who ended up with me and now I’m going to hurt you. 

He laughs a dry, breathy laugh. It was half hearted, as if he was trying to get himself to believe the situation was funny. 

It’s not your fault I-fuck I’m sorry.

You heard a click and the tape died off, he had stopped recording there. The first tape was finished, and honestly, you didn’t know how to react. One part of you wanted to feel nothing, you wanted to put the player and the five tapes back into the box and send them away, or lock them in your closet to never find them again.

But the other part of you wanted to know more. You wanted to know how he felt, what went through his mind during that time. You wanted to know just how you lost Chenle, the first boy you ever loved.

Suddenly you felt overwhelmed, vulnerable almost. It was as if someone had opened up an old wound and left it open.

You got to your feet abruptly, pulling the earphones from your ears and dropping them on your bed, taking a step away and blinking rapidly. You couldn’t get caught up in the past, you couldn’t put yourself through that again.

But it was hard when the past was in your present.

Wasted, and all of my regret, I can taste it, If I had a time-machine, I would take it, And make it back to us

~

That night you couldn’t sleep.

The box sat on your desk, right next to your laptop, staring at you. You turned around on your bed, looking the other way, only to be met with the white of the walls.

You never liked the colour white.

It was too plain, too open for interpretation. It never had a solid answer. You liked stability, you wanted something permanent. You were the type of person that needed that reassurance.

Perhaps that’s why you were happy where you were, you didn’t find the appeal in starting over, because that meant nothing was certain. You stayed where you were because everything was already laid out for you.

It was like a colouring book in your little town, the lines all set out, everything drawn for you. Change meant you had to sketch everything from scratch. What if you messed up?

Needless to say, it was a good thing you weren’t an art major.

“This is ridiculous”, you whispered to yourself, sighing at the fact that you were now talking to yourself. You rolled over so that you were lying on your back, staring at the ceiling. The glow in the dark stars shone with their dull green light. You remember the day you had put them up, with Chenle.

You shared a lot of memories with him.

“Fucking hell”, you hissed, sitting up, swinging your legs off the edge of your bed and walking to your desk, sitting on the chair. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you picked up the second tape, inserting it in the player and putting the earphones on, waiting for it to begin.

ii] tape 2: milk before cereal

I know I’m making some terrible decisions, I really do, but if there’s one thing I stand by, its the fact that milk definitely goes before the cereal.

Why am I talking about this?

Well, because today you came over, Y/n, you came over and the two of us were watching a movie, and in the middle of it, you decided you wanted to have cereal, specifically frosted flakes.

So what do we do? We have cereal because I can’t say no to you. You’re welcome by the way, honestly, I deserve the boyfriend of the year award.

A moment of silence.

No I don’t. I really don’t.

You bit your lower lip, shutting your eyes. It was the way he switched, the way his demeanor changes so suddenly that made you want to scream. Sometimes it felt like he was telling a story, one you knew and loved.

Only for the next moment to bring you down to reality, reminding you that all stories don't have happy endings.

Anyways, we got the cereal and you objected when I put the milk first, saying that it was wrong, but how? In what way? Here me out Y/n, I shall tell you why I’m right, even If I’m not actually talking to you.

You couldn’t help but scoff at this, shaking your head at Chenle. He had always had a flair for being dramatic in the littlest ways possible. It was endearing.

Putting the cereal first means it sits in the milk for longer! If you put the cereal last, you can have it crunchy! Isn’t that ten times better? Unless you’re one of the devils spawn and like soggy cereal. If so I’m hypothetically breaking up with you right here right now.

Ah...bad wording. I keep forgetting I have to break up with you. I don’t want to, is that selfish?

You deserve the truth, if only I was strong enough to give it to you. Staying silent is so much easier.

It’s not lying, not completely anyways. I’m not lying if I don’t tell you at all. I suppose it’s a half truth then, with the truth hidden in plain sight. 

*click*

Lying. That’s what he did, even though he spent the last few minutes of the tape trying to justify it, he lied. He trampled all over your heart without a single warning.

You had trusted Chenle, having known him since you were thirteen. He had completely destroyed that trust. Something like that couldn’t be fixed so easily, not even if he had sent you these tapes.

Then again, you didn’t know why he sent them.

You retreated to your bed, turning away from the tapes, the words and memories they held, facing white once again.

You had met Chenle when the two of you were thirteen, in eight grade math. The boy was failing the class, and one day you found him sitting early morning in class, with his head in his hands as he groaned over some sort of equation.

You had offered to help, and the smile he gave was the brightest one you had ever seen, he was practically grinning from ear to ear. That was the beginning of your friendship, and the two of you were inseperable.

Ninth grade it was confirmed that the two of you were best friends, sitting together, complaining about teachers together, going places together so your parents didn’t need to tag along.

In your last year of high school the two of you started dating, and when you had told your parents, they were ecstatic, confessing they had always thought the two of you would end up together.

He was always there for you, every time you needed him. You could give him a call and he would be outside your door. If you were feeling insecure or scared, he was always there to hype you up.

You had been best friends before, you were lovers then, and it was amazing. You loved everything about being with Chenle. You loved everything about him, from his toothy grin to his obnoxiously loud laugh.

You loved the way his eyes sparkled when he had an idea (which, for the most part, were absolutely terrible. Needless to say the two of you got in trouble a lot), when he sang for you when you stayed over, the way he would always make sure you were never cold.

You loved him.

It was written in the stars, you were meant to be, it was the perfect combination. Chenle was the right person for you- the perfect person.

A year later you woke up with him gone, no texts, no warnings. He had just gone, leaving you alone.

Right person, wrong time.

Monday came around sooner than you thought it would, the weekend passing in a blur as you walked out of your first class, spotting Lia leaning against the wall outside your class, scrolling through something on her phone.

She was an exchange student, not originally from your town, but had fit right in. Sometimes you wished you could be like that.

“Oh! You’re out! Listen, there’s a party on Friday and you’re coming with me”, she stated. It wasn’t a request, it was a fact, you were to go with her. In her own words, ‘if I didn’t exist you’d probably have no social life.’

To be fair, she wasn’t wrong.

You nodded defeatedly, walking with her down the hallway, “I assume you want to go because of the cute new guy?”

She glared, but didn’t refute your accusation, “His name is Mark”, she said, “And that is none of your business.”

You snickered, “Oh it so is, you like him don’t you? Is this going to be another one of your crushes?”

Lia was notorious for having a new crush almost every week, being a very flighty person, her mind changed before you could even say her name. This was a bit of a problem, considering you went to her for advice a lot.

Her indecisive nature was not the best for that.

She rolled her eyes at this, “He’s cute, why not? Wonder if I can get him to dance with me at the party. You’re going to be my hype woman-”

“And the sober buddy?”

Lia ignored that.

“Also there’s this new singer”, she said, handing you one of her earbuds, “apparently he came from here!”

Taking one of the earbuds, you were hit with a familiar voice. It sounded amazing honestly, catchy, everything a song needed, but it was the voice that hit you. You didn’t even need to ask Lia for the singer, swallowing the lump in your throat and glancing at her phone, which confirmed your suspicions.

Filling with some sort of dread, your hands immediately went to hold your hand, specifically the bottom where the cassette player and the tapes were. You had been carrying them around with you, as if scared they would disappear if you left them alone.

“Isn’t he good?”

You nodded, not daring to answer as you bit your lower lip, “Hey Lili, I need to use the washroom so see ya later”, you said, handing her the earbud and taking off in the other direction, pushing open the doors to the washroom and getting into one of the stalls.

You had stalled listening to the next tape all Sunday, you didn’t even know why, but hearing him sing, that fact that he had actually made it, it struck something in you. You wanted to feel proud of him, but all you felt was bitter.

Was it a coincidence that this new singer had come out- Chenle himself- right when you received the tapes?

Pushing the top of the toilet down, you took a seat, taking the player out and plugging in, you pressed play for the third tape, waiting for it to begin playing.

tape iii] ill miss our dates

Remember when we went for that field trip? Ninth grade? We sat in the back of the bus together avoiding the stares of our teachers when they told us to sit down?

Then they pulled us apart? Yeah, mean fuckers.

Anyways, that’s not what I wanted to talk about, I just felt like reminiscing for a sec there, but today we went of a date! Well, I mean we got ice cream and then went to the park, but hey, it was fun.

You smiled. He had always jumped from one topic to another without any meaning to either. Sometimes it was a frustrating habit, (you had been on the receiving end of these useless conversations several times, which ended with you glaring at him exasperatedly), but for the most part, extremely comical.

I’m going to miss that. I’m going to miss you. Your little smile — have I ever told you just how pretty your smile is? Your eyes light up and crinkle at the sides and its something I don’t think I’ll ever forget, even when I’m gone. 

You clutched the cassette player, marveling at the irony. He was talking about your smile, but why did you want to cry?

It’s a month left now, and I want to make the most of it. Tomorrow I’m taking you to the amusement part and then next week I’m surprising you with dinner. I guess doing things for you —for us — makes me feel better, like I’m compensating.

You deserve the world Y/n, and I want to see that world while you’re happy where you are.

You don’t deserve having to deal with me.

*click*

Your eyes burned, because you remembered each of those events. You had been so happy, so overjoyed at them. They burned with tears because there it was again, that reminder that you were destined to be stuck right where you were, because you were that idiot who was content.

But if someone, anyone, asked you at that very moment if you were happy, the answer would’ve been an outright no.

1 YEAR AGO

~

“Hey Chenle?”

“Hmm?”

“Why do you want to leave?”

The boy thought about this for a second, before smiling wistfully, “Don’t you want to know how it is outside home?”

“But everything I need is here.”

Your eyes held a question, you were genuinely baffled by his reasoning, the way he was so stuck of getting out. You studied your bewildered expression, shaking his head. “You’re lucky”, he said finally, “You know exactly what you want.”

“Of course I don’t, but I know what I need Chenle, and that’s all around me.”

He shook away his other thoughts, “Hey maybe we’ll go exploring the world together some day. 

You blinked, “You want me there with you?”

He nodded, grinning widely, “I want to take you along, Imagine, it’ll be fucking awesome, and hey this time there will be no teachers to separate us. We can even stand in the bus-if we’re taking a bus, that it.”

You laughed, “Maybe”, you mused, looking back down at your phone, “While I don’t exactly see the appeal, it would be fun to be with you.”

Chenle’s smile faltered, but he didn’t let it fall completely, wrapping his arms around you and sighing, closing his eyes and whispering something just loud enough for you to hear.

“Maybe.”

Why did it feel this way?

Chenle was right- you didn’t deserve this, you didn’t deserve to feel this way at all. It had been a year, so why did it affect you?

Why was it all happening at once?

You clicked your tongue, eyeing the player with contempt. You felt pathetic for being curious, for still feeling so attached to old news. It wasn’t as if it was going to change anything, so why?

Why did you still want to know?

Curiosity killed the cat. You wondered if knowing would somehow kill you.

No one was at home currently, so you sat in the living room on your couch. The items you were trying so hard to ignore were sitting on the small table in front of the couch, as if waiting for you to pick them up once again.

You wondered if you should tell Lia and ask her opinion about the situation. She may not be that helpful, but hell, she could help you burn the tapes if worse came to worse.

Sometimes you wished you had never met Chenle, that your history with him could be erased from your memories. You wished it never existed because fuck, it still hurt.

Taking a deep breath, you steeled yourself and pressed play.

tape iv] firsts with you

Do you remember our first kiss?

We were eighteen, in my room, playing Jenga. That was a year ago, oh god, I can’t even imagine, how has it been a year? You were wearing one of my shirts and jeans, your hair was in a ponytail. The two of us were sitting on the carpet on my floor.

You had successfully gotten one of the wooden pieces out of a risky area of the tower, but then it was my turn, it feel to the ground, destroyed.

I blamed you, and you laughed, and our banter continued. We argued and at one point I started tickling you to get you to shut up, because honestly-Jesus Christ Y/n you’re fucking stubborn.

Anyways I ended up on top of you and the two of us were laughing. You looked so pretty, hair messily scattered around your face as you attempted to get out of my hold. 

I leaned down and kissed you.

Your throat closed up as he spoke. Your eyes stung and you raked your hand through your hair, biting down on your lower lip. The way he was speaking about it, as if he would do anything to go back, it struck something in you.

Because if you had the chance, you would go back as well.

You tasted like that strawberry chapstick you liked to wear. I could tell you were surprised, because you didn’t kiss me back for a good two seconds  —which, by the way sent me into a panic for a moment there.

But then you kissed me, and fuck, it was like everything had stopped. I couldn’t think for a second, it was like the world had started spinning around me, and the only thing that was keeping me grounded, was you.

Was it supposed to hurt like this?

You sucked in a sharp breath, fingers fisted the material of your shirt as you tried keeping your composure. You didn’t want to cry, but he was making it so, so hard for you. 

You remembered how it felt when he kissed you, you were legitimately so confused, was he really kissing you? Your best friend, the boy you had loved quietly for so long, kissing you?

Chenle was your first kiss, and it was the most perfect first kiss you could have ever asked for, even if you were on the floor, with random Jenga blocks scattered around the two of you.

The smile you gave me after I pulled away, I wish I could remember it forever. It was goofy as you burst into giggles, and asked me, “What was that for?”

I blinked in surprise, wondering how you seemed so normal, when for me everything had changed. I had kissed my best friend, the one girl I care the most about.

I must have looked like a tomato oh god.

Instead of waiting for my to answer, you sat up, pulling me into another kiss. This time it was me who was unprepared. The kiss was messy, it had no structure or plan, but I realized in that moment, that I really liked kissing you, and I wanted to do it more often.

You became my girlfriend.

The wistful tone he was using was starting to affect you. You had loved Chenle, almost too much. You could almost feel that nostalgic happiness you felt that day when he kissed you for the first time, the disbelief and joy that wrapped around the two of you. 

A wave of sadness followed that nostalgia.

Our first date was so fucking awkward. We were at that little cafe you loved, you ordered a cheesecake and I got a smoothie, and then we sat in silence for a good five minutes.

It really shouldn’t have been that painful, considering we knew everything about each other already, then again that might be why it was awkward, I had nothing to ask you about.

So naturally I brought up school and that started it, the two of us complaining about the amount of assignments we had, and Mrs. Choi’s annoying squeaky voice- I swear to god that woman took a second for each word.

But I digress.

Slowly our conversation felt normal again, it was just us, eating cheesecake and drinking smoothies, together.

That wave of sadness crashed down upon you like a tsunami, trying to snuff you out. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, you were struggling to keep yourself together. You were struggling to stay afloat, you had lost any leverage you had that was holding you up.

You couldn’t fight the waves.

My flight is in two hours. It’s four in the morning and we’re about to walk through the door and get to the airport, but I wanted to talk to you once again, even if we’re not really talking.

I’m pathetic.

You’re sleeping, in your bed at your home, you don’t know I’m going because I’m the coward that refused to tell you the truth. I’ll be gone by the time you wake up and then you’ll know.

You’ll know how much of a waste of time I was.

And then you were angry.

You were angry because he had no right to just come back into your life like this, no fucking right to make you cry. He wasn’t even here, but somehow he had managed to make you fall apart just with his words, with his voice.

He had no right to tear your world apart, the little composure you had standing. You had finally accepted the fact that he was gone, you had moved on, and even tried to forget.

But here he was, making sure you could never forget.

You hated how selfish he was, how absolutely fucking oblivious. He had no clue, not even one as to how you felt when he just disappeared from your life, as if he never existed. He had broken you and here he was, breaking you again.

With trembling hands, you stopped the tape from playing any further, angry tears making their way down your face as you flung the player across the room. You had no intention of listening any further, you didn’t want to, you didn’t care.

Closure hurt more than him leaving.

You buried your head in your hands, letting yourself fall apart, but just this once.

tape iv] continued [unheard]

I’m sorry Y/n. I’m so fucking sorry. 

You don’t have to believe me, because I’m leaving anyways, so I suppose that cancels out my apologies huh? I’m the worst person you ever met. I’m not stopping, I’m not going to leave you a text.

Because I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

I’ll be gone before we could ever be.

Should’ve believed in us, while we existed, cuz now the whole things fucked, and just a figment of my imagination

~

Time heals all hurt, and reminders bring them back, cutting through your skin like a knife, making you bleed.

A week later, you found yourself sitting in your favorite cafe, the same cafe Chenle talked about in the last tape. You ordered a cheesecake and a smoothie, inserting the fifth and final tape into the player.

The last time you did this, you were left hurt and distraught, promising yourself you would never go back to listen to him again. You had put the shoebox in your closet, hiding it behind your clothes that hung from the rack.

Yet here you were.

You didn’t bother finishing the fourth tape, you didn’t see the need to. 

This tape, you observed, was newer looking, with less scratches on the plastic, even the marker on the side looked more recent, a little rushed if you went into detail. 

The cheesecake and drink arrived, and you took a bite, pressing play.

tape v] play

Hey.

He sounded a little different too, older perhaps. His voice was smoother, but he sounded unsure of himself. It sounded as if he was trying to figure out how to approach the topic. He was being cautious.

It’s been a while. I...I don’t know why I’m doing this. There’s no point- you’re not even here. I found these stupid tapes yesterday in my dorm when I was cleaning out and gave them a listen.

Silence.

I envy you, Y/n. I wish I was like you, happy wherever I was. But I’m not, and I probably caused you great unhappiness while trying to search for my own- but I was happy with you, so happy it was ridiculous.

I sabotaged that.

You sighed, realizing you felt nothing. You were tired of crying over Chenle, you were done doing that. Instead you felt empty, like you had been tired out, like it didn’t matter anymore. At this point you were to get it over with, to finish it off on  clean ending note.

My song comes out next week, and it’ll be done. I’ve made it Y/n, I’ve gotten to where I wanted to be, the place I had worked so hard to get to. I’ve sacrificed so much for this and it’s all been worth it- except one thing.

I don’t expect you to listen to my song, I just wanted to tell you. I..I hope you’re proud of me. Even if I was a jerk, I hope you can be proud, at least a little bit, because then I’ll have finally made it.

I miss you.

The same words are at the tip of your tongue, I miss you, I miss you so fucking much, but they never came out. They didn’t have to, it would be useless. He would never hear them.

Instead, you swallowed them back down.

And even though I made fun of you for staying home, I hope you’re happy like I am, I hope we’ll meet again one day. If we do I challenge you to a game of Jenga, loser buys the winner ice cream.

I-fuck this is the hardest part- but I hope you’ve moved on. One of us has to.

*click*

You don’t take the tape out of the player, you don’t touch it at all. You feel oddly calm as you take another bite of your cheesecake, savoring the strawberry reserve that it came with it. You could almost imagine yourself at eighteen again sitting opposite your new boyfriend.

You missed it, the memories that came along with it. That was it, you missed the feelings you had.

But you were okay. You would be okay right where you were, because that’s where you belonged. It hurt, yeah, but it had hurt back then as well. Now it was just a dull ache, all that was left was regret.

Regret that it didn’t work out, regret over unspoken words and unnecessary pain.

A familiar song filled the cafe as you smiled somewhat sadly, leaning back in your seat and closing your eyes.

“I’m proud of you Chenle”, you whispered, “Because you did what I couldn’t”

You left the cafe a little later, with the cassettes in your bag, an empty plate and the smoothie sitting on the table, untouched. After all, that smoothie wasn’t for you.

There was nothing to wait for anymore. You had loved and you had lost, Chenle was a stranger with your secrets and a familiar voice and that was it. 

You had forgiven him a long time ago, even without him being deserving of it. Now with all the loose ends being tied up, it felt like you could finally let go of him, you could finally move on.

And forget.

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[paisley-print]

Near The Water’s Edge:   Chapter Five

After fleeing your abusive husband, you find yourself in the small coastal town of July, North Carolina. Soon you meet Frankie Morales, Air Force Veteran and single dad. As the two of you grow closer, you begin to let go of your past and learn to love again. That is until a strange man shows up in town, and you ’re forced to choose between your safety or the safety of the people that you love.

Inspired by the novel “Safe Haven” written by Nicolas Sparks.

Series Master List

Frankie Morales x Female Reader Rating: 18+ / Heavy adult themes eventual smut. Trigger Warnings: Domestic Abuse, Mentions of death, PTSD, anxiety, mentions of police case, police.

Tag List 

@winter-fox-queen @sherala007 @quica-quica-quica @hnt-escape   @heythere-mel @toomanystoriessolittletime  @day-off-inkyoto @inkededucatednnerdy @librariantothejedi  @dobbyjen @goblinsimp​@qytyy @kiizhikehn-cedar

Note: Ugh I get so nervous posting stories??? I preform shows on stage and I get more tumblr fright then I do stage fright. Make it make sense. 

Chapter Five

You allowed your heart rate to settle and your puffy eyes to return to normal before you rejoined the group. Lucy was busy on her sand castle village so you slipped next to her quietly, not wanting to draw the attention of the others. You were sure they must have found you strange, but you supposed it didn’t really matter. It was best not to get caught up with the people in this town anyway, because there would come a day soon where you would need to leave July; and it wasn’t fair to drag others into your suffering. 

You knew David was already on the hunt and he would not stop until he found you. Even if it meant driving straight across the country. Your husband was a terrible man, but a remarkable detective. 

Queen Lucy of Sand bestowed upon you a plastic shovel then tasked you with the most important aspect of any medieval town; constructing a moat and a wall to protect the dwellings. Heaven forbid any rogue wave swept even the tiniest shell from the land!

You got to work, drawing a circle around her city and starting to dig. She seemed incredibly focused on the task at hand, her brow furrowed as she worked. You didn’t mind the silence though; it gave you a chance to listen into the conversations the adults were having next to you. 

It wasn’t anything special really, mostly just stories from their time in service and what their lives were like now. Sometimes they would bring up a man named Tom. You could only assume he was a friend of theirs that had been killed in combat….

-

Frankie had tried his best to focus on the conversations being had around him, however his mind was preoccupied with thoughts of you. He worried that he had messed up in a way he couldn’t recover from, but he still wasn’t entirely sure what he had done. Until earlier he assumed that you were a veteran yourself, but now that seemed unlikely. He glanced at you, watching how you interacted with his daughter. Then suddenly it clicked. Your hesitancy towards men, no cell phone or car…. his touch triggering you.

It was a man. It had to be. A man had hurt you. Frankie was suddenly overcome by anger. He could practically hear his own blood pumping through his veins. Frankie had done some terrible things, but laying his hands on a woman in anger was a hard line that he did not cross. Still though, he worried his past could affect your judgment of him. 

It was desperation and fear that caused him to be consumed by evil. Things had changed so much in the last few years, He had gone to therapy, gotten clean, and provided a life for his daughter. 

Yes, he was worlds away from that battle scarred soldier, half freezing to death within the peaks and valleys of the Andes.

“Fish!” Santi said, snapping his fingers to get Frankie’s attention away from you. “you alright?”

Frankie just sighed and moved to grab another beer from the cooler under the umbrella. “Yeah”

Stanti followed close behind “is it about her?”

“There is something seriously wrong here man. I feel it in my gut.”

“Listen to me. The most important thing is you need to let her come to you. If you force it, she is going to run. We both saw it, we both understand what’s going on.”

Despite all the jokes about Santiago’s informants, he did know how to build bonds with people. He had met hundreds of women just like you, all of them with the same haunted look in their eyes. For most unfortunately, he could do nothing but look to the ground and pass by, but there was still hope for you. 

Frankie adjusted the cap on his head, “she’s terrified of me, you saw it.”

“The girl is smart to be skeptical, but she’ll come around, they always do. You just have to give it time. Show her she can trust you. It takes months, not weeks.”

Frankie leaned down and passed Santiago a beer from the cooler. “I’m afraid we won’t have that much time.”

“What does that mean?”

Frankie shook his head, withdrawing the bottle opener from his pocket and popping off the top before handing it over to Santiago. “I don’t know.”

-

The sun was hanging low in the sky, and the temperature had noticeably dropped a few degrees. You and Lucy stood, looking out over your sand castle city. You had to admit; it was pretty impressive. The little girl had an eye for detail. 

“You think mommy would like it?” she asked, looking up at you. Brown eyes sparkling, just like her father’s. 

“Yes, I think if she were here she would like it very much,” you assured. 

“Daddy says she’s at Disney, that’s why we can’t see her,” the girl stated matter-of-factly. 

“Oh” you said, glancing over to where Frankie stood with his friends. 

“Yeah, she is friends with all the princesses there. She’s helping to keep them safe, kinda like Cassandra in Tangled. She’s head of the royal guard.”

None of it made sense to you, but it was Lucy’s truth and was sure to have some basis in reality. “Your mommy is very brave for that.”

“Yeah,” Lucy said, kicking at the sand with her toes. A sadness ebbing its way onto her tiny features.

You knelt down beside her. “Sometimes mommy’s need to go away, to do important things… My mommy did too. One thing that will never change is the love she has for you.”

Lucy scrunched up her face, looking down and nodding. 

You continued on “just like Rapunzel, remember? She was away from her mommy for a long, long time, but her mommy still thought about her every day.…. Luce, can you look at me for a second, please?”

The little girl lifted her head to look at you. 

“You’re allowed to feel upset by it, that’s okay. But you have to remember that she loves you very much, so does daddy. Okay? And you know what I think? I’m super glad that you want to be friends with an old lady like me.”

“You’re not old!” She exclaimed.

“How old do you think I am?”

“Like seventy” she said. 

You cackled “I am a little younger than that. Now you’re dad over there, he’s seventy.”

This put a smile back on the little girl’s face, “sometimes daddy says that people give him grey hair.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah” she giggled, “that's probably why he has so much…… he wears hats to hide it.”

As you stifled another laugh the little girl lunged at you for a tight hug.

“Imma go get daddy to show him,” she said, before breaking away and bounding off down the sand. 

You smiled and stood again, wiping sand from your legs. Soon Lucy was dragging Frankie by the hand as he stumbled to get his footing on the uneven surface. This made you chuckle a little and look away.

He was unsure of what he was supposed to be looking at and tread lightly over his words. “Oh... it's... it’s?...”

“A village,” you said, helping him. 

“Oh! Yeah, and there is the castle, and the moat with a drawbridge. Very nice.”

“Miss Summer did that,” Lucy pointed out. 

Frankie glanced at you with a grin, “It certainly looks like a moat.”

Although you were still hesitant, there was a softness about him that drew you in. “Yeah, well, that’s why they pay me the big bucks. Two whole sand dollars.” 

“Is that after taxes?” Frankie asked.

You chuckled “yeah.”

Santiago called from the chairs “Fry, there are s’mores here if you want one.”

Lucy looked at Frankie with excitement. He nodded, and soon she was gone. He wasted no time with his apology. “About before, I’m sorry If I scared you. I didn’t mean to touch you without your permission. I wasn’t thinking.”

You sighed, glanced at the others then started to walk towards the waves. “It wasn’t so much that as it was...” you trailed off, not really knowing how to phrase what you were about to say.

“What?”

You smiled, though it wasn’t genuine. “It’s not a big deal honestly.”

He could see the walls you had placed up to keep him out, keep everybody out. “Summer, I understand the fear. Believe me. It took me two years before I was even able to smell diesel fuel or smoke from a campfire. I get it. All those men up there, they get it too.” He paused for a moment, turning to face you. “You don’t have to tell me anything until you feel ready, but I want you to know, whatever it is, we won’t judge you for it. We all have a past.”

“It was the fact you said you were a soldier,” you confessed. “I’m not...it’s too similar.”

“Too what?”

“The police,” you said, catching his eyes. 

He understood immediately what you were trying to convey. It felt like a shot to the gut; you were in far more danger than you had let on. “Well,” he said slowly, “we’re not the police, and I can tell you right now that most vets look at them with disgust. Abusing the people we fought to protect... it's insulting really.”

You nodded, feeling much better than you had before. You needed more time, but at least you knew that there was somebody else on your side should you need it. It made things harder though because you couldn’t say in July forever….. and if it came down to it, Frankie wouldn’t be able to do much against a detective. Especially with Lucy to worry about. You would sacrifice yourself in an instant if it meant keeping both of them out of harm’s way. Lucy had already lost one parent. You wouldn’t be the cause of a second. 

Your mind felt clouded, and you shivered as the breeze off the water nipped at your exposed skin.

“Here,” Frankie said, “let’s go back, I have a jacket in my bag you can wear.”

“Thank you,” you murmured.

“It’s no problem at all.”

-

Even in the early summer, the heat in North Carolina was something fierce. It had the ability to suck all the energy right out of you, if you let it. Frankie’s eyes sparkled in the rear view mirror as he looked back to check on Lucy, snoozing comfortably in her booster chair. Then he stole a glance at you. You were slumped in the passenger seat, head resting to the side as you slept. Once the AC in the jeep kicked on, the two of you were out like a light.

Frankie smiled to himself, then slowed the car as he turned into your community. 

“Summer?” he whispered softly, not wanting to wake Lucy. “Summer, we’re here.” 

You stirred easily at the sound of his voice, yawning and wiping sleep from your eyes. You looked around, realizing where you were. “Oh, wow. I don’t remember dozing off”

“I can drive you to your door if you want.”

You hesitated for a moment, then “it’s the last one on the right, thank you.”

Frankie drove on for another few minutes until he reached your house and pulled to a stop in the driveway. Your little mobile home was quaint and unassuming. It needed a good power wash and maybe the addition of a few flowers, but aside from that; it was nice. 

You took your bag then turned to look at him “thank you.”

He smiled, “I had fun.”

“Yeah, I did too.”

Normally, this was where the conversation would end. You two would share your goodbyes and be on your way…. however, you both lingered there.

“Do you have any plans for next weekend?” he asked. 

“I really do have to get the house in order. I haven’t even gotten a bed frame yet, my mattress is laying on the floor. It looks like a mess.”

“No, not a mess…. a dump would probably be a better word for it,” he said.

You laughed “hey, you try hanging drapes by yourself. It’s hard. It took me two hours, and I even got a bruise from it.”

He raised his eyebrows “from drapes?”

“No, from the rod coming down on my head after I screwed it in. Here look,” you pulled back your hair to reveal a minor bruise, barely visible. 

Slowly, he reached up to brush over the spot gently with his finger, checking for any swelling. He felt the urge to tuck a piece of hair behind your ear but stopped himself. His hand came back to rest on the wheel. “Well, it doesn’t look too bad.”

You ignored the way your skin seemed to burn beneath his touch. “Yeah, just my dignity is wounded.”

He glanced at your house, and could see the drapes in the windows. “You got them up. That’s all that matters, right?”

You hadn’t even thought about it that way. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“And if you ever need help with anything...you know where to find me.”

Lucy shifted in her seat uncomfortably, and you knew the conversation was coming to an end. “You should go. She looks exhausted. Thank you again.”

“Don’t mention it,” he smiled.

You opened the car door, stepped out, then paused for a moment. “This Saturday, I think I might need some help with the windows.... Last time it rained I had to put towels down. I don’t have any money, but I can pay you in dinner? How does pizza sound?”

“Sounds great, just give me some time and I’ll be there.”

“Right after I get off work? So two?”

“Two works fine,” he confirmed.

“Thank- oh” you looked down, realizing you still had on the jacket he let you borrow earlier. “Here I almost forgot-”

“Keep it,” he said. “I’ll grab it on Saturday.”

“Alright…. Goodnight Frankie.”

“Goodnight Summer.”

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