#You dont know how many thoughts i have youd never survive a day in the asylum they raised me in. Why the fuck did i quote that.

[drifloonz]

steven/mocha is canon

#wispy talks #im going off my deep end mode . i no longer care about peoples perception of me outside of not being a jackass to ideas i dont like #bc no matter how low i get im not. like. uber popular. but most of this fandom is minors. i do not want to sway easily swayable opinions #for like. nonserious shit if its not a problem. this is unrelated tho basically dont be a jackass 2 ppl Anywyas #context: my oc #context: rp partner and i rp it.. yay #fuck EVERY OTHER STEVEN SHIP XCEPT THIS ONE !!!! ( /j ) #this isnt no Fandom ship that erases their personality and characterization for unseasoned yaoi this is REAL SHIT!1!!!!!!!!! #that isnt a callout to anything particular other than fandom culture in general #You dont know how many thoughts i have youd never survive a day in the asylum they raised me in. Why the fuck did i quote that. #the 'asylum they raised me in' was miiverse and 3ds youtube. #so i dont know what that adds to anything #if any of my ex friends turned back into current friends see this i am so fucking sorry my hyperfixation shame runs deep #but its my hyperfixation now. I have become more autistic. Welcome back CHEATER. ive reclaimed him essentially. mine now. #dont let me type online within 20 mins of waking up #anyways (goes insane #mocha makes him breakfast in bed and mails him little letters by togekiss and visits when hes not busy at work... and steven just opens up. #bit by bit by bit... and he misses mocha so deaaarly. he misses her. he misses his beautiful doeboyfriend. and his scent. #and his good as fuck pancakes and the way he worries about stevens mental health and if hes taking care of himself. etc etc... #hes scary and intimidating. but not to mocha . not anymore...

[peachiikawa]

Fly | Route Selected: O. Tooru

genre: mafia au, choose your own adventure

warnings: honestly nothing too bad in this route

word count: 3.1k

Fly Masterlist

“I choose--”

But before you could even finish your sentence, the front door opened and an arm draped around your shoulders

“They’ll be with me”

You looked to see who had just walked in and were stunned to see such a beautiful man

“Very funny oikawa, now let them go. This is a personal matter”

Daichi took a step forward and you could feel the tension in the air

But the silence was broken with a chuckle from oikawa

“Dont worry so much daichi. They arent just a threat to you theyre a threat to the entire community so to make your burden easier ill gladly take them in. you have better things to worry about anyways”

The smile on his face was far from a friendly one

Even you could tell it was a bit condescending and it made you a bit scared

He led you out the door but not before turning his head one last time

“Tell your old man seijou gives their regards”

With that he led you to his car and got you buckled in

“Now where do you live..?”

“My name is y/n and i live down the street and around the block”

He drove you home and made sure you got into your apartment

“Come in tomorrow whenever youd like, preferable before noon though. Heres my card if you have any questions. Goodnight y/n!”

He kept the conversation brief and didnt look back as he left

As soon as you closed the door you leaned against it and slid down onto the ground

Just what had you gotten yourself into?

You couldnt really sleep that night knowing that in the morning you were going to be working with the mafia

So you took an early shower and got to the address on the card oikawa gave you the night before around eight o’clock

You took a nervous breath before walking into the gigantic corporate building

‘Seijoh Industries’

The company had a long reputation of being in the modeling and fashion industry

It scared you to think that so many big companies were involved in who knows what else

You pushed the glass doors open and immediately got lost

Like how do you even navigate the inside of this building???

It wasnt long before you got stopped

...by some guy with blonde hair with lines in them

Was he trying to look like a tennis ball??

As he steps toward you you take one back until youre against a wall

“What the fuck are you doing here? Youd better leave. Now”

You feel like your stomach is about to drop before you hear that all too familiar voice

“Maddog what are you doing to y/n! Its their first day you shouldnt be so mean”

Oikawa grabbed your hand and led you down the hall to a pristine office

He sat down behind his desk and organized a few papers for you

“Youre here bright and early. I was half expecting you to just not show up”

His eyes glanced up from the papers in his hands for a brief moment

“But im glad you did it would have been a..hassle to find you”

The way that sentence came out of his mouth with that smile on his face sent a shiver down your back

He handed you a few papers and a list of tasks to do

Most of which consisted of you running errands and organizing some cabinets around the building

“Finish those and if you get done with that before the end of the day you can do whatever. Just dont poke your nose where it doesnt belong”

The smile on his face never left once your entire conversation and it left you with a weird feeling in your gut

As you turned to leave you just couldnt shake the weird feeling you got every time you saw it

But you went on your way, trying not to think about it too hard

You did each task with ease and you really thought that some of them were a bit unnecessary since most of the things on the list were already done

It was almost therapeutic doing normal things, it at least made you feel less nervous

It didnt take you long before you finished your tasks

“Hey you”

You jumped at the sound of someone’s voice and slowly turned towards a man with short and spiky brown hair

He held out a couple of papers to you

“I need you to make a few copies of these and then bring them to trashykawa”

Your eyebrows furrowed and he noticed your confusion

“I mean Oikawa. Sorry, force of habit. Im Iwaizumi by the way. I work over in communications''

You fumbled with the papers in your hands, trying to get a grip before he noticed how nervous you were

His sharp eyes were fixed on you which made you even more self-conscious 

You let out a shaky breath before introducing yourself

“Im y/n. Its my first day working here”

He nodded his head

“Yeah well just lay low if you want to survive this mess. Ill see you later y/n.”

A few weeks go by and it seems to be the same thing filling your days

This place wasnt as scary as you first thought and everyone seemed nice enough

The beeping from the copy machine brought you back to reality from your daydream and headed back to oikawas office

Though you had been here for almost a month now, it never got easier to be around him

Something was just too off putting about him

You took a deep breathe before knocking on the door to which you got a muffled “come in”

He didnt look up as you set the papers on his desk and only looked back up at you when he didnt hear your leave

He took off the glasses he was wearing and set them down in front of him

“Can i help you with something?”

Again, that smile on his face just...didnt feel right

“I was done with my work, is there anything else I can do for you?”

He just shook his head

“That should be it for me! Why dont you go see if iwa needs anything?”

You could tell that he wanted nothing more than to have just a moment to himself

And the constant flow of people probably didnt help

“This might be bold of me to say but that smile you wear around people...you dont need to put up any false pretenses around me. I know my situation and I know it isnt all sunshine and rainbows so feel free to be yourself around me. So one last time, before I go, do you need anything?”

His eyes were wide at what you just said

You had only been here for what? A few weeks? With minimal contact as well

So how did you notice?

The only other person whos ever called him out on it was iwaizumi

And he hated being read like this but he kept that smile up

“Nope im fine”

You nodded and left, closing the door behind you

And as soon as you did he threw his pen down on his desk and held his head in his hands

How...how did you see through him

He had carefully made this mask of his so that no one would be able to see how he was feeling

Emotions were a weakness

He didnt need them

And he sure as hell didnt need you

The next week he made it his mission to completely ice you out

No contact at all

And it made you kind of frustrated

The man steals you away from the other mafia you almost became affiliated with and just throws you to the side?

So you went to him after him doing whatever he could to make sure he avoided you

The man literally had tennis-head outside of his office to scare you away

“What are you doing”

The sudden voice behind you almost made you scream

“Oh iwaizumi! Dont scare me like that!”

You smacked his shoulder as you two hid around the corner from oikawas office

“If you must know im trying to get into oikawas office. I'm sick of his avoiding me like im the plague”

Iwaizumi let out a deep sigh

He knew why oikawa was avoiding you

And he also thought it was a little much

Wasnt it about time he stopped being scared?

“Tell you what y/n, ill distract kenta and while i do you can sneak into oikawas office”

Your eyes sparkled and he almost wanted to laugh

“Really?!” 

He nodded and patted your head

“Get that idiot out of his funk”

He then walked up to kenta and walked off with him, giving you a thumbs up behind his back

And when they were out of sight you knocked on oikawas door and didnt wait for him to respond before barging in

To say he was shocked was an understatement

“What are you-”

“Stop. Before you go on about how youre busy just please listen to me. I dont know what i did to deserve this amount of avoidance but if its about what i said that day, i dont regret what i said. And i wish you would stop avoiding your problems and just confront them”

Confront his problems?

What the hell do you know about his problems

“So you came in here to tell me that? What the fuck do you know about me? Youre just some street rat that poked their nose where it didnt belong. You dont know me so stop trying to tell me what to fucking do! Emotions make you weak and i dont need that”

At this point he had you backed against a wall

And when he realized what just happened he pushed himself away from you

God what the hell was he even doing

Hes spent years perfecting his facade

And then you come barging in and it just breaks?

You slowly approached him and put a hand on his shoulder

“See? Was that so bad? Honestly, seeing you like that was refreshing. Feel free to keep the mindset that emotions make you weak, i wont try to convince you otherwise. Thats a realization you need to make on your own but for now please dont hold back around me”

For the first time in a while oikawas heart stood still, almost as if he could feel himself again

“Whatever. I still have paperwork to do so leave or make yourself useful”

He shrugged your hand off of him and went back to his desk

You just smiled and nodded your head

“Ill be back with a coffee for you!”

And when you exited you bumped into the back of kentarou

“Ah sorry! Ill be back!”

As you ran off kenta took a step toward you

“What the hell..get back here!”

But before he could take another oikawa cleared his throat

“You can leave your post mad-dog. Youre no longer needed here”

Kenta nodded his head but was too shocked to move for a moment, caught off guard by the small smile that lingered on his boss’ face

The couple weeks after that you were allowed back in his office and he even started to request your presence at times for no other reason than he just wanted you to sit in the room with him

And that smile he used to give you was now replaced by a soft, genuine smile that made your heart flutter

Little things started to become more noticeable to you

Like how cute it was when he pouted his lips when he was really focused

And honestly he was too

Your smile was maddening

And your laugh made him feel like he was being swallowed whole, unable to breath

It scared him

Nothing good has ever happened when he became emotionally attached to someone

“Oikawa, are you okay?”

You put your hand up to his forehead and checked for a fever

He could feel his cheeks heating up and gently swatted your hand away

“No im fine. Dont worry about me”

He watched your face fill with concern and his heart lurched forward

This feeling...it scared him. But for now, if its you, hes willing to see where this goes

“Good morning oikawa!”

You walked into his office with his morning coffee which he gladly took from your hands

“Good morning y/n”

He had a job later and needed all the energy he could get

But not before having his morning conversation with you

“I'm leaving around noon with maki and mattsun. Iwa’s in charge till i get back so if you need anything ask him”

You could tell by the way he was talking that it was something serious and therefore probably something to do with the mafia

Sure you had done a few things for Seijoh like fax some papers and have oikawa sign a few things but nothing to where oikawa needed to leave has ever come up

He could see anxiety cloud over your face

“Hey”

He grabbed your hand and gave it a small squeeze

“I’ll be fine. You have nothing to worry about, okay?”

You nodded your head

“Please be safe”

Worry reflected in your eyes and it made him almost go weak

All he could do was nod and give a half smile

The entire time he was away you sat at his desk anxiously waiting for his return

...

“Cough up the money oikawa. We had a deal”

Oikawa looked at the man in front of him with his trademark empty smile

“That wasnt our deal. Now give us what you owe”

The room was tense but nothing that oikawa hasnt dealed with before

But his world soon turned upside down with what was thrown on the table that stood between them next

The color drained from his face as he looked at pictures taken of you without anyone knowing

“Where the hell did you get these”

The man in front of him just laughed

“Now thats an interesting expression oikawa. Never thought id see the day where that smile of yours wasnt on your face”

His knuckles were turning white from how hard he was clenching his fists

“You know, it would almost be a shame if something were to happen to them”

Oikawas eyes widened in fear

It felt as if time around him had stopped for this one moment

And it made him want to puke

“Dont you dare lay a hand on them”

His jaw was so tense that he thought he was about to pop a blood vessel

“Then give us the money”

He wasnt left with much of a choice

So he did what he was told

“See? Was that so hard?”

“Are we done here?”

He was itching to get back as soon as possible

To make sure you were okay

He couldnt rest until he knew you were fine

“Yes now leave”

The car ride seemed to last forever, maki and mattsun had never seen their boss like this and exchanged subtle glances the entire ride

As soon as the car stopped he ran into the building and to your desk

And when he saw you werent there his heart dropped

‘Where are you, y/n?!’

The only other place you could be was his office

He slammed his door open only to see you jump up from his desk, the sleep in your eyes still evident

He let out the breath he didnt even know he was holding as soon as his eyes landed on you

He went straight over to you and pulled you into his arms

The tightness of the hold around you was comforting yet alarming

You brought your arms up to wrap around him and you swear you could feel him slightly shaking

“Oikawa?”

You voice was soft and made him feel weak in the knees

“Just…let me stay like this for a moment”

After that day you were moved into his home and he never left your side

He never fully explained what happened that day

But you knew it had shaken him

Especially since you havent seen his smile since then

You were escorted everywhere

And when you asked why you were only given the short answer of “i said i’d guard you so i'm doing that”

You didnt mind being with him, really

If anything you liked being able to be with him all the time

You just hoped you werent being a hindrance

So one night as you laid in bed while oikawa sat on the ground next to you leaning against the bed frame, you turned towards him

He had been doing this lately to “guard” you and you knew he wasnt sleeping much

“Oikawa”

His eyes immediately met yours

“Am i being a burden on you?”

Though it was dark, he could hear the sadness in your voice

“I just feel like ive been holding you back lately and thats the last thing i want to do”

He cupped your face with his hand and gently stroked your cheek

“Not to mention that you havent smiled once since coming back that day and it just all feels very distant and lonesome. I hope you know that you can talk to me, i’ll never judge you for anything”

And in those few simple words the gate that had been holding back all of his emotions back suddenly broke

“y/n im scared”

His head hung low as his lips trembled

“Im scared to lose you and im scared that ive become weak since being with you but i just cant let you go. Losing you makes me feel more terrified than anything else”

The thought of losing you made it feel as if he was drowning and the water was filling his lungs with a burning sensation

You sat up in your bed and took his hand in yours

“Then why dont you turn that fear into strength? Hiding me...putting me under 24 hour surveillance...its no different than running. I dont want to be away from you either oikawa”

How did you always clear his head? It was like your words just made everything make sense

He made his way onto your bed and started to kiss you, soft yet hungry for more

He could never get enough of you

You made his heart full

And you became his strength

You made him strong and he could never forget this debt

taglist:  @the-ironic-me @multisun @my-mass-hysteria @sugawsites @youbloodylegendyoudidit @sinthxy @celamoon​ @tinymouth @fait-de-fleurs @tsukifanbase​ @69owo​ @laglyssage @hearteyeskags​ @ntngann​ @shnnn​ @fukuro-dani-ace​​ @exponentially-tired​​ @soy1melk​

#oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!! imagines #tooru oikawa x reader #oikawa toru x reader #toru oikawa x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader

[strrwbrrryjam]

001 zukka, if youd like.

hi! okay, first ask, thank you for asking.

when I started shipping it if I did: ...im going to be completely honest, im new to atla, but not new to tumblr. i actually had a large tumblr that i made when i was fourteen that was dedicated to hetalia. but over the years i got bored of it, so i stopped updating it, i only looked at the blogs i followed and then one day, someone reblogged some zukka fanart, and i loved it. i knew nothing of the characters, but from the looks of each of them and how it followed the classic red-blue gays and representation that i craved as a young lesbian i decided to give it a watch, still in love with a ship i knew nothing about, so imagine my whiplash that i got when they were two people who weren't even friends until the final season, but i never got discoaurged because of all the tension and the parellels and how if either of them were female-male i definitely felt that zukka would be canon and have so much more hype.

my thoughts: im not the best at describing why i love them, but ill try. i love zukka for a lot of reasons, but mostly because... for me relationships are a partnership, you both get benefits from it where you can rely on eachother, where there is a mutual understanding between each other to the point where you know exactly what your lover needs to hear... and sometimes, no matter the mood your in, they are the only ones who can truly make you happy, and thats what i get from zukka. sokka is very much the older sibling, he goes so underappreciated for so long that when piandao tells him he should be proud of who he is and what he can do... he just doesn't believe him. now, this isnt the fault of katara, aang or anyone else, maybe a little bit hakodas fault i mean he literally left a kid with such high expectations of himself to protect the village by himself with what limited training that he had. even when they listen to his ideas, some of which are very much right but have failed to no fault of sokka like walking because appa is too noticable, katara or someone else pokes fun to these ideas for failing miserable, which they may mean in jest, but can still really hurt, so he needs someone to encourage him that sure, maybe this idea has failed, but its just a learning experience. zuko... my god he has trauma. zuko was this sweet and kind and passionate kid born into an environment where he didnt belong and he was abused for everything that he was. ursa while was a safe haven didnt do enough to protect him, as she too was powerless. his sister turned from this sweet and kind sister to someone who quickly realised that being that way makes it impossible to survive so she began to tease and taunt and turn into a mirror of their abuser. while id like to think lu ten was there for the both of them, iroh and lu ten where getting ready for the siege so they were rather busy... and azulon actively wished that ozai kill him, and ozai, fucking ozai man, is there anything else left to be said? once ursa left... everything when down and he was burned and banished for his wish to protect his people. iroh... for all my love of iroh, he doesnt understand zukos intentions or actions, he thinks hes lost his way but... he doesnt see that zuko doesnt want to hunt the avatar, he doesnt want to stay at the tea shop, what he wants is to be home. hes not safe in the watertribes, not safe in the earth kingdom and while he isnt truly safe at home, its his nostalgia(?) and how everything hes used to is at home, its where his mother memory lives... its where his the remnants of his past relationship with azula and where his baby sister is... its as safe as a home they could get. he knows people doesnt like him and he while isnt okay with it, nothing matters more than getting home. which isnt a good reason for his literally capturing of a twelve year olds, fourteen year old and fifteen year olds, but... it is for him, hes sixteen, still a kid, like the one hes chasing and he doesnt realize that the home he hopes for isnt what he thinks it is, at least not anymore. that his father doesnt love him, that his sister is no longer the sweet kid that she used to be and she too was abused, that his mum is no longer around anymore and he doesnt have a happy life or a happy family. he repeatedly doesnt listen to iroh because iroh doesnt get it. iroh grew up loved and cherished and praise while zuko doesnt, he grows up hated with no chance of change, he... is very much an asshole and doesnt listen to anyone, but hes trying in season 3. and then... the boiling rock happens. my god, its... like my favourite episodes. sokka feels like he has to go alone because he felt like he failed, its his responsiblity, it was his mistake despite the fact that it wasnt, that there were many, many adults who it the fault could fall onto, and the fact that the odds were stacked against them completely, but sokka being who he is, still feels responsible, but wants to go alone. except, zuko wont let him, he understands sokka, because thats what hes felt like his whole life. hes

always felt like a failure, not being able to protect his sister, not being able to protect himself so he knows what sokka is going to do, and, forces himself onto the journey. its awkward, at first, because of course it is i mean this is the guy who was chasing you for half a year and was inadvertidely responsible to two of your closest friends deaths/near-deaths. but once they get past this awkwardness, the banter very much starts when they land. and zuko. zuko who never asked for someones opinion, looks to sokka for guidance and listens and encourages sokka. for me boiling rock is peak sokka for how well he plans. sokka is able to express himself and talk and give advice and when his plan fails, zuko is there to help him through it and see it with a different perspective, and they just... the trust, its there. its already there despite how much it shouldnt be. it just works so well and then sokka defends zuko to hakoda and finally hakoda tells him what he should of and... its up from there. they are just there for each other and its... wonderful. they are both absolutely miserable people but... they make each other happy. it happens so fastly too and its just absolutely wonderful.

What makes me happy about them: honestly, i just wrote what makes me happy about them and how much i love them in the above question.

What makes me sad about them: god. how complicated it will be in the actual universe and how they will have to spend most of their lives seperate from each other. ive mentioned before that im a romantic at heart and it hurts, because despite how realistic it will be to have them seperated for most of their early religion, i mean... zuko will have to stay in the firenation despite how much it isnt home for him anymore and sokka is able to move from the southern watertribe to the northern air temple and to the firenation... so id like to think that when izumi comes around, the soon travel together, as by the time izumi is around, things are getting settled and zuko doesnt need such a close eye on everything.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: listen... i dont have anything that really annoys me, except when they play into babified(?) versions of each other, (zuko beng too soft-boy and sokka... being to "daddy" if thats the correct word.) but what bothers me is the lack of sokka-comfort, all of them have trauma. sokka, too. i love zuko. hes... just my favourite/comfort character and someone who i relate to so much, hes just... ive never related to someone more than zuko, but zukka is a more mutual relationship than anything, and i wish we had more fics dealing with sokkas trauma too.

things I look for in fanfic:

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: okay, okay, okay, for zuko, i have many, i just think zuko and sokka both have extreme pretty boy privilege, and while zuko doesnt realize the effortless charm and how pretty he is, sokka most definitely does and uses it to his advantage. so... maiko, jinko, (platonic/relationship) zutara, jetko and sukka. listen. i love yue and sokkas relationship, but they had such a short time together that i could never really ship them. i think sokka mourns her and it is very valid for doing so but i always felt that he mourned his friend and what their relationship could of grown into. also i am a diehard yueki fan.

My happily ever after for them: that they grow hold together, and are able to see their children, (yes, i said children, as in izumi, varrick and senna with trans!zuko) grow and change the world and have their own families.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: dude. dude i dont know. i want them both to be held. i want both little spoon zukka and big spoon zukka. weighted blanket zukka. all zukka sleeping positions. i like to think that like me the both of them cannot stay still while they sleep, they wake up in each others arms but end up at the foot of the bed or something.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: god... everything, picnics, roadtrips, reading together, stargazing, sharing letters... just as long as they are their together everything is their favourite activity as they spent most of their youth and twenties and possibliy early thirties separate from each other.

#my own post #ask #ask game #atla #avatar the last airbender #atla headcanon #avatar the last airbender headcanon #atla writing prompt? #avatar the last airbender writing prompt? #atla analysis #avatar the last airbender analysis #atla meta #avatar the last airbender meta #hope this is okay! #its my first proper ask and i just #well #wanna do well #also sorry if its so long #i have so many thoughts about zukka and i can never really write/type it out properly from my head #bad brain to hand/mouth coodination #thank you for the ask!

[delicioustrashlove]

To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express 

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much  I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones.  You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!!  And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to  put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !!  Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!!  The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn.  I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed.  See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path .  God bless <3 no angry  im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer.  Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

[fujimoribaby]

The Arctic - A Weird Dream I Had

BNHA weird ass dream

Kerberos, the seemingly barren ice planet was discovered to have ice and some form of life so naturally humans had to go. The first shuttle never made it back, or the second, or the third. The fourth made it.

Reports of monsters the called the “crypid ones” existed. Arctic monsters similar to Earths carnivorous ones but nearly five times the size and 7 times as powerful.

It took years for a special place for a camp to be located and built, but eventually it was

Now, its 34 years later and I’m apart of the crew heading to this Kerberos hell hole.

The first obstacle to the base camp was a 20 mile hike of the new “no mans land”

Only half of the crew members seemingly make it, so we always have to overstock.

14 players always added to the domino count, but on average 7 fall down.

Lordy lord thank god I’m here huh?

Our captain, Nicholas, is a seemingly fearless explorer in his mid 20’s. He’s made this journey many times. How he’s still alive is a mystery.

We made our way out of the shuttle once it landed. “Dont forget your packs’ itll help you survive 10 days out in the open!” Yeah right.

So we grab our shit and leave the shuttle, of course a huge ass blizzard took place. Luckily enough it was required to wear the blizzard-proof space suits.

And so we started our 20 mile journey.

Some could not stand the cold, freezing to death in their spots. And some went insane at the thought of meeting the crypid ones, for we could hear their cries in the far distance. But who could tell with the way this wind was ruthlessly whipping at our ears?

Eventually we crossed the first obstacle, having no rest to keep ourselves warm by walking. we lost 9. 5 of us remained.

And there it was. The huge ass motherfucking cliff. The contraption leading us up it was like a reverse bungee, or one of those carnival rides that shoot you up.

Unluckily for us, a blizzard storm, basically a sandstorm but with large and small junks of ice of which could tare the human body to shreds, was chasing us.

“Get to the holders and fucking click the red button as soon as youre strapped in as fast as fucking possible! Run!” Screams Nicholas.

So we did.

Fuck.

Im dead.

How the fuck do you get in this thing?

Everyone else had already gotten up, the storm just in front of me. The top of the cliff was higher than the storm. Come on foot! Get in the fucking hole! Yes!

Im in!

I click the button, barely strapped in other than my legs. I hold on for dear life as im skyrocketed to the top.

The others cheer for me as they see me.

I land in the arms of Izuku, one of the younger members, like me, on this godawful trip.

“W..wheres your bag..?”

His voice, hoarse from the blistering cold, managed to squeak out.

Dread filled my stomach. No wonder I was so light.

“Damnit, ______! That’s supposed to keep you alive for ten days! Whatre you gonna do now huh?!” Nicholas screeched, his nerves shot.

Izuku put me down, “Guess I’ll die” I shrugged. “Dont fucking recite memes, cadet! You’re lucky the camp is just a four mile hike or youd be fucking toast!”

Then what was the point of the packs?

I suppose in the end it was just to help bring food, water, medicine, and other thins to the camp. What did it matter anyway? Specialized helicopters created to fly in the thinner air brought food and stuff from other shuttles that arrived periodically. Why so many shuttles you ask? Because we’re all constantly dying.

Perhaps the pack was used to bring hope? Fuck if I know. They’re so heavy we can only carry one, so picking up lost peoples would be useless.

We start our trek.

“Out here is where the cripid ones thrive the most. So follow me exactly or we’ll all become crypid shit.” Nicholas said.

Ohm okay.

We eventually make it to the camp.

I had my first warm meal in a year there. It took a year to get to kerberos now thanks to the amazing tech we have.

This camp isnt like a camp at all. Its kind of like,,, a modern dayish castle but with hints of the stone age. Yes..

Its walls are lined with so much fuckin insulation MMM delicious. Every child from every household must make this trip here and be stationed for three years.

Why?

What are we fighting for?

Naturally, we’re fighting for resources. Specifically energy. Kerberos hosts so many fucking minefields of it. Earth as we know it is dry.

No energy.

So this trip is necessary. Retrieve energy, return home a modern day hero.

Fucking bullshit man but I get it.

A month has passed and we’re all settled in. Ive been to the energy mines four times, once a week because if you stay longer you run the risk of frostburn. Yes, burn, not bite, because it’s that cold. Also the air quality is shit.

There are four dorm hallways. First years, like the team I arrived with, second years, the ones that are on their second year, third years, their third years, and the instructors / big bois. The big bois as I call em run this place, keep in order and guide us. Supposedly they lost everything, and thats why the choose to stay.

Ive yet had an encounter with a crypid one, but late at night or deep in the mines, I hear their bone chilling cries. As if I wast cold enough already.

Me and Izuku, being so close to age n all, are best friends. Always out on missions together and the likes.

Turns out the packs we carried had shit for our rooms and other camp things. Oh well.

After our first month, we’re given modes of transportation to help with, horrifically enough, patrols. Yes patrols. Outside of castles. Cant have the crypids getting too close to our home base. Even if mercenaries line the walls at all tactical points and we have gun men and shit. Canon balls too and explosives. We fuckjin set. But yknow.

Our rides are animals. They were created from crypid ones blood but mixed with docile animals like a house cat or hamster. I got a kitty. Looks like a snow leopard. Big boi.

I ran into someone named Tamaki Amajiki a few days back. Hes a third year. I guess I was drunk or some shit but I thought he was an angle and clung to him like a rag doll and kept saying how pretty he was. Fuckin tomato. Poor shy boi. He ran away not ling after that. I see him occasionally, i wanna apologize to him.

Skip to two months later. I was out on my 6th patrol. So far no signs of crypids. Good lmao.

As i was making my way back as another person replaced me, i saw a person on a zebra like hamster shit going the wrong way. So i chase them and tell them wuz up. Fuck.

They ran into a crypid.

So we start charging our way back to the castle. Our intercoms weren’t working because cliche.

Screaming is pointless.

So we have our animals run for our lives. The next postmen took our weapons, so we were defenseless.

This crypid looked like a huge fucking white and red wolf towering over us with beady brown and turquoise eyes a scar on its left side. A Demon Hound. Its snarling at us like crazy.

The castle comes into view.

Bullets start flying like crazy. A gate comes up the moment we past it.

Its supposed to be a defense line against crypids. But theyre too strong for that anyway.

We run inside, leave our mounts out to defend themselves and the castle.

“WAKE EVERYONE UP!!”

A guard screams and rushes outside.

And we do that. She takes the farthest route, the instructors. I take the students. All off the years are mixed together in shifts. Shifts are designed so groups can guard and mine all day. I push the red button on the entryway to the first year dorms.

“Everyone up! Now now now! We’re under attack! Get up!”

Everyone starts rushing out of their rooms. Already knowing where to go.

I give Izuku a glance as we pass.

I make my way to the second years andd repeat the same.

Oh yeah everyone has their quirks here btw.

I reach the third years. I say the same.

Mirio Togata, in his tired but determined voice screamed affirmation.

Soon everyone rushes out except two dorms. The dorm beside the two explains how theyre light sleepers.

So i anxiously knock on their doors.

One rushes out, and the other,

Tamaki.

I stare at him embarrassingly.

His cheeks were red as well.

Now was not the time

“Im sorry” i say quickly

“I hope we can discuss what happened after this and be friends” i say again

He nods his head with a small smile and we rush down the rooms.

We grab weapons and head out the door to our vantage point.

What we see freezes us.

Some people frozen in ice. Some burned. What was this?

The ones who survived the burns squeaked for help.

“What the hell happened here..?”

Izuku!

#non edited #bnha #midoriya izuku #izuku x reader #shouto todoroki x reader #todoroki #mha #weird dream #tamaki amajiki #tamaki x reader #tamaki amajiki x reader

[faketextstuff]

'Can I have a yandere ship with BTS? I’m reversed, clumsy ,caring, kind and Stubborn. I like to write and I love astrology I'm kinda a nerd and a emo. I like horror movies and I love to dance and sing. I only have a few really close friends and I'm very protective of them and my family. I'm the mom in my group and 2 oldest but we are all the same age but my internet friends are older then me. I have long brown hair but I dyed it to dark red and I have blue eyes and pale skin with a lot of freckles. I'm 5,2 foot and I'm a bit chubby. I hope you have a amazing day!'

For @yanderebtsreactions

I ship you with Namjoon!!

Namjoon first noticed you the moment you dropped something, probably a book on Astrology. The moment he laid eyes on you he became obsessed! He'd watch you from afar for the longest time, gathering information on how you carried yourself, things that interested you, how many friends you had and how you treated them. He loved how reserved you appeared to be, so it became a game. How could he get close to you and cut you off from the friends you adored. To be honest, he wanted to take out all your friends because he was insanely jealous of how you cared for them, it should be him who you cared for in such a way. He'd start studying astrology so he could have a conversation starter. Once he finally broke the ice he won you over with his cute smile and enormous brain. Soon he had you in his clutches and you better believe you wouldn't stray far. He would use your caring nature to guilt you into ditching your friends to spend more time with him. This boy is as dangerous as he was smart so when your friends confronted you about how off your relationship seemed, he'd waste no time in taking them out one by one, making it look like an accident or they just up and disappeared with no trace. Soon you were all alone with him, heart broken and vulnerable. Right for picking! "Oh my precious little one, I cant believe anyone would think of leaving you. Dont worry, I'll NEVER leave you. You wont leave me, right? I couldn't bare the thought of no having you near." As for your family, he hated them because how close you were. However he wasnt stupid. If anything happened to your family, he knew you would put the pieces together and figure him out. So he smiled and got in close with your family, easily winning them over. You never noticed how toxic he was for you because he was so sweet to you, never hurting you physically but mentally, he'd break you down until you couldn't imagine leaving his side. Hed always shower you in things you loved, always asking for you to sing and dance for his pleasure. As a reward, he'd make you see stars with the amount of pleasure he'd give you. "My angel. You look so pretty under me, begging and squirming. I know I said I'd never mark that beautiful skin of yours but tonight I cant help it. I need to see you littered with proof that you are only mine. Youd never leave me right? Of course not, look at you. So willing to please me." You were his and his alone, no one could talk to you with his permission. He'd have you so trained that you were solely dependent on him and his opinion. This man is a master manipulator and you are his greatest puppet. If you ever did try to leave him for some reason, he'd not hesitate to break you mentally until you thought yourself insane to thr point where you couldn't survive without his guidance.

#bts fanfic #bts angst #bts yandere #yandere bts #bts ships #submission

[writings-of-a-hufflepuff]

Silver Wings In The Moonlight

Fandom: Dunkirk

Pairing: Collins x Reader

Warning: N/A

Writer: @imaginesofeveryfandom aka @hufflepuffing-all-day-long

Summary/Request: Based off Anne Shelton’s ‘Silver Wings In The Moonlight’: Jack finally comes home after the war is over. 

Notes: No Gender Pronouns used, neutral partner terms, but marriage is mentioned just in case that’s off putting. 

Jack Collins loved flying. You knew that form the moment you met him. That he loved flying with everything in him, that it brought a thrill to him, as much as it scared him. He once told you that he felt the same way about you. That he loved you, you thrilled him, excited him, but that you scared him as well. That he was scared of how much he loved you, scared of leaving you to go fly in the war...that it was all a rather scary thing, being in love that is. You found it funny that he thought falling in love was as scary as fighting in the war. 

You would always share him with his love of flying, you knew he’d be torn between the two and you never asked him to stop flying, to finding a safer job in the war...because that wasn’t fair and because ultimately you knew that he’d never stop you doing what you loved, no matter how dangerous, so what right did you have of doing the same.

You had just hoped, much as the familiar Anne Shelton song went, that eventually his love of flying, of his silver wings, of his plane, would bring him home safely. That he’d survive every single encounter and that you’d finally get to live in a world without war together. 

Demobilisation was a long process, however. When the war in Europe was announced as over, won, done, completed, everyone had been happy, excited, overjoyed knowing that so many could finally come home even with the war in the pacific still ongoing. You were rather lucky that demobilisation of the Royal Air Force was a rather quick affair compared to the hundreds of thousands of men in the Army or Navy. You had known that Jack would be stationed at a nearby air base, that he’d be home...because while you knew he’d stay in the RAF post-war, you also knew without the war on he’d have more time for you, more safety, and you’d actually get to fall asleep in his arms for once. 

When you finally got the letter telling you he was coming home it was the biggest relief you’d ever felt. Knowing you’d see him again. 

Dearest Y/N,

This is a short letter compared to our usual exchanges, but i’m writing to let you know that i’ll be home soon. They’re stationing me back nearby now that the wars over. Giving me leave too, three whole weeks! 

I’ve missed you with all my heart, as much as I love flying it is horrible being away from you. It will be great to be able to see you and fly again rather than having to choose between the both of you. 

I always told you i’d make it back, even though I know you’ve worried every day for the past six years. It seems so strange that after six years we’re finally done with this bloody war. 

Forever yours,

Jack 

It had been brief considering his usual letters spanned two or three pages, but you’d understood why. He was coming home and why write about things that were happening when he could simply talk to you again, hold you in his arms and tell you every funny story, every sad happening, every moment that you’d missed over the six years of war. 

You hadn’t a date for his arrival, but every day you made sure the house was perfect. That it was clean, that you had a good stock of tea, that you had enough to make a nice meal. It was the little things you wanted him to come back and not have to worry about going down the shop or clean up a tiny bit of mess. You wanted him to be able to come in and just hold you. For hours. Without any responsibilities or things to worry about. You’d spent six years with rare leave dotted here and there. A few days often at most to spend time together. Now you had three weeks. Three weeks and he’d be working nearby, perhaps able to live at home and go to base each day. 

You’d been reading the paper when you heard the door unlock and open, close shut, and the sound of a familiar voice call down the hallway, “I’m home!” You’d been so excited you dropped the paper on the floor and rushed out of the living area, not stopping until you’d almost launched yourself at him for a long awaited hug. 

He still smelt the same like carbolic soap and the aftershave he always used. He still felt the same, solid, warm, arms wrapping around you and pulling you tighter as he buried his face into your shoulder. 

“I’ve missed you.” You mumble it into the blue of his uniform, not wanting to pull away even for a second to talk to him. Letters allowed you to talk to him, but the physicality of having someone there? Nothing could replicate that. You couldn’t simply get a hug any time you wanted, a kiss on a cheek, a hand on the small of your back.  The physicality just didn’t translate the way words did. 

His grip tightens on you and you can hear and feel him take deep breaths, contented ones, taking in everything that surrounded him. “I’ve missed ye too, love...so much.” 

You pull back, only enough to see his face. He looks the same. Blonde hair, cut short back and sides, long on the top, combed over neatly. Blue eyes that are so soft and kind, eyes that helped you fall in love with him. Soft smile, the type of smile that still managed to make you flustered and just a little bashful. He hadn’t changed much, older, certainly older. You both were. You’d first started dating when you were barely in your twenties. Now you were in the latter part of that decade of your life. You’d spent so much time apart, writing letters, keeping your relationship going. 

“I can barely believe you’re actually here...finally...six years.” You press your forehead to his, close your eyes, taking in the feel of him, the smell of him, the presence of him once gain.

“Well, ye better believe it. I’m not goin’ anywhere anytime soon.” You open your eyes again, scan his face briefly, before pressing your lips to his. A little chapped and slightly unfamiliar after so long apart, but still Jack. Still the soft press of lips, the sweet hum of happiness from his throat before he pulls back and smiles down at you. 

You’re not really prepared for him to sink to one knee, mostly because you’re still finding it hard to believe that he’s finally back, that the war is over and he’s finally back. So its rather something else to find him sinking to one knee. 

“I don’t have a ring yet...I was going to wait till I found one, but we’ve waited six years and I just want to marry ye finally. I spent six years without ye and you’re the best partner I could ever ask for. You’ve put up with me for six years, without me help around the house, with me shitty handwriting. Will ye marry me?” 

Its not something you really have to think about after so long, because you’ve already thought the answer before today, thought of this possibly happening a million times. You decided that if you could survive being away from him during a war, then you could manage the trials of married life. Of a life during peace time.

“Of course I will, Jack” You pull him back to his feet and grip him in a tight embrace once again. You don’t really need a ring or something fancy or a big speech, the fact that he’s here, that he’s alive, that he wants to marry you, that is enough. 

“I love you.” You cup his cheeks in your hand and meet his eyes. You want to make sure he knows just how much you love him, that after everything you still love him the same as when you first fell for him. It hasn’t mellowed, hasn’t dissipated. Its still as strong as ever.

“I love ye too, sweetheart.”

#readerinsert #reader insert #dunkirk imagine #dunkirk #dunkirk reader insert #collins dunkirk #collinsxreader #collins x reader #collins/reader #collins / reader

[jackandmarksavedme88]

Dark Lemonade

@ashphoenix06 @honestlyitsjustkennaswriting @emma-wrote @goldenoceanarps @weirdmixofweirdness

TW: Some violence, also gets a liiiiittle dirty(but the super nsfw parts have been cut out for tumblr sake 😂😂)

Mark.....are we ever going to stop driving?"

"Well. You said isolated. His place is as isolated as i could think of"

Alison studied Mark as he drove, glancing behind them where Amy was driving Alison's car every so often

"And youre sure Dark isnt going to be too...put out?"

Mark chuckled 'That asshole is always put out. Part of his charm you could say"

As he drove he thought of the conversation hed had with the ego the week before

******

"Why here Mark? Why does she need to stay here? I dont even know her"

Mark looked at Darkiplier as his aura slightly crackled around him

"I told you. Her ex has been stalking her, she needs somewhere to stay while her dad is off the ranch. She doesnt need to be alone on that huge place. Amy and i are going out of town. Now get over it. Shes staying"

"So get the police to babysit her. Why should *I* have to" the ego scowled, clearly not giving a shit what would happen to this girl

"Look Dark im not having anything happen to her because you want to be a pretentious ass. Its not like you use all of the five rooms here."

"You and Amy talk as if shes your child. Shes a grown woman"

"Yes. And her ex is an even bigger grown man that is unhinged and wants to do very bad things to her. Shes staying here."

Darkiier glared as his creator, his aura lashing tendrils out every so often as his temper rose. But he knew there was no arguing.

"Fine. But she better stay out of my way"

*********

Mark pulled to a stop in front of the big house in the woods. Alison gaped at the sight of the beautifully crafted home and the big lake behind it

"Holy. Shit.'

Mark laughed out loud "yeah. Good taste huh?"

Alison climbed out of the car and stretched her arms out, her shirt falling off her shoulder a bit, revealing a faded scar. She grabbed what she had in Mark's car and joined him and Amy to walked up the front steps and inside

"Hello?"

"Well come in, dont just stand there" Dark said.

He watched Mark and Amy come in as he walked down the stairs and stopped as Alison stepped through the door

He took her in. Reddish brown hair, green eyes, short, not skinny but not what hed call fat. She looked around nervously and then locked eyes with her host for the next couple of weeks.

"Um...hi. Im Alison Calaway" she reached out a hand to shake his as he reached the bottom of the steps. "Its nice to meet you Dark...thank you for letting me be here"

Dark took her hand and felt almost a buzz, aside from his own aura, go through him

"Yes. Mark has told me about you. Glad i could...assist"

Amy looked at her watch "oh. We gotta go if we are going to get to bed and get on the road in the morning.... Alison are you sure youre ok?" She wasnt too sure about leaving her here with HIM all that time

"Amy Ill be fine. Yall go"

She hugged and kissed both Mark and Amy on the cheeks and watched as they climbed in Marks car and drove away.

"So...are you hungry?" Alison jumped as Dark spoke closer to her ear than she thought hed be

"Oh. Um. No. Actually. Im good. I could go for some hot tea though.

"Ah. Perfect. Come with me to the kitchen"

The ego led the way as she tried to figure out this vibe she was getting. Like he reallllly didnt want her there, but was also curious about her.... He was pretty easy on the eyes though so she figured she'd survive

She sat down at the bar as he boiled the water

"So. When you said Mark talked about me....how much did he tell you?" Alison inquired, not sure what to say

"He told me of the ex-boyfriend and why you needed somewhere to stay..... May i ask how it got to that point? If thats not too forward?"

He turned to see her absentmindedly running her fingers over a scar along her collar bone

"Well.. I was with him two years. He didnt like me having friends other than him. Didnt like when i went on the road with my Dad's company and wrestled house shows.."

Darkiplier looked at her "wait...wrestling ?"

Alison ducked her head and laughed

"heh...yeah.... Long story. Dad is practically royalty in the business and i did it for a while. ..but Shane didnt like that. Mostly because i hung out with the guys and trained with them.... So for the sake of the relationship i stayed home. Then he got to where he hated me talking to Mark, Jack...Anyone really. Long story short he attacked me a few times....the last time he almost killed me..... Chase and Jackie saved my life. They had been on the way over to get me and heard me scream. Broke in..... I had to get a lot of stitches that night. And he didnt like being told no. He took off while they were helping me. Cops have been looking for him, hes been sending me letters, showing up at places where im at. But he always takes off when i see him..... Hes gotten bolder and my parents and Mark and everyone didnt want me left alone. So here i am"

Dark studied her for a moment. He could read that she had strength. But she was broken. He couldn't understand why but he felt a tug of protectiveness in his chest at the thought of that asshole trying to track her here... At least those idiotic Septic Egos had done something right. Though letting him get away was pathetic

"Well. Dont worry. If he tries to darken my doorstep, he will surely get more than he bargined for i can assure you"

He brought two mugs over and poured the water over the tea bags. They sat and talked for hours like theyd known each other forever

****************

The next night Alison laid in her bed. It was about 12 am. Shed walked by the lake all morning, theyd gone into town and grabbed lunch and when they came home she had talked with Dark about different interests most of the night. She felt oddly at home here. Suddenly her phone rings

"Now who the hell would be calling me?.."

She hit the answer button, not recognizing the number

"Hello?"

"Aliiisoon.... Now why would you go walking around with some goth reject looking...thing where everyone could see?"

She sat bolt upright in bed, all blood draining from her face... Shane

"What the hell....how did you...?"

"Now now alleycat dont worry about how. You know you're mine. Ill always find you. Now answer me"

"Theres nothing to fucking answer Shane. Leave me alone." She scrambled out of bed and down the stairs, checking the locks.

"Ohhh alison. You cant actually think im going to leave you alone. I marked you. Youre mine... Nice house youre in though. Lots of property

She stood in the glow of the moon through the front window, shaking "shane. What do you want. Why are you doing this?"

"Because. I want whats mine"

"Im not yours! I never will be, leave me al-"

The phone was snatched from her hand. Darks aura crackling and whipping around them both, scaring her and amazing her at the same time.

"Look. Either turn yourself in or go die. Your choice..... In fact i will gladly help with one of those options. But you will leave her be Shane"

And with that he threw the phone down and crushed it

She turned and stared at him, in awe of the power oozing from him, shaking from adrenaline.

The aura calmed some as he stepped toward her and ran a finger over her collarbone and shoulders. Tracing the scars that were exposed by the sleeveless sleep shirt she wore. He looked in her eyes brimming with tears and had the sudden urge to hug her and an even stronger NEED to protect her...so he pulled her in. She buried her face in his chest and cried. Feeling helpless and grateful at the same time. The tendrils ran over her back as he held the back of her head with one hand and wrapped the other arm around her.

Finally she stepped back. Wiping her face. "Dark....im sorry. You must think im a completely useless creature... Im just so tired of being his prey"

He studied her face for a moment, then spoke, his voice low, commanding attention as he did

"Youre not his prey anymore. And while i think many of those around me are useless....youre different. And damned if i know why.."

Alison looked at him, curious, but not pushing the matter.

"I dont think ill sleep much." She was mad and scared and exhausted. But she knew what her dreams would hold

Dark put his hand on her shoulder "Well. Im just doing some paper work in my office, i could....put a pillow and blankets on the couch in there for you. You could rest while i work...perhaps that way youd feel more at ease"

Alison smiled at him, grateful for his kindness. "Ok. Yeah, maybe....if i wont be bothering you of course"

He chuckled softly "not at all dear. Come"

****

Alison watched him work thru half shut eyes. This was the big bad guy everyone spoke of...to her he didnt seem so bad. Intense for sure but....there was just something about him. The quiet way he held himself, he could walk in any room and demand attention without even trying.

"You know. Its not polite to stare at people while they work ali"

She smiled sleepily "sorry. Just thinking"

The ego cocked an eyebrow. "About?"

"Well.." She sat up from her makeshift bed hed made, one strap falling off her shoulder, exposing more of her skin, Dark suddenly felt tense, but tried to ignore it

"I mean. You're supposed to be.. Horrible. A bad guy....and yet.... I feel as if we are old friends having only known you a few days ... I trust you. Though everyone has said not to.... Im supposed to be scared of you and thats just not the case" she said

He smiled gently "Well. When you're on my good side, thats what you get. But most never see that side, only a lucky few

'And why am i one of the lucky ones? " Alison asked

Dark motioned for her to come to him 'Come here....." She got up and stepped across the room, sitting on the corner of his desk as he stood up.

"If im being honest i have no idea why i feel the way i do around you. You seem to make everything....quiet. Calm. I can think clearly for some reason.... I cant quite figure you out Alison"

He was standing directly in front of her now.

She smiled up at him "heh. Good luck with that"

The blackness grew slightly and played around the edge of her face as he stared directly into her eyes "oh don't worry princess. Ill figure you out. I always get what i want"

Alison threw her head back and laughed "hmm. With me you wont.....but like i said. Have fun with that" she went to stand and he blocked her, moving very close to her. "I rather like the effect you have...stay a moment longer?"

He rested his hand on her knee and closed his eyes. Reveling in the slience that filled him. She didnt know what to say...but staring at him with his head leaned back, hair in his face she couldn't help but feel the calm as well. She reached up and brushed the har from his eyes, fingers trailing his cheek. His hand caught hers and held it to his face as he leaned into it.

Alisons heart sped up. Dark could hear it as her cheeks flushed an adorable red. He looked at her intently suddenly not in control of his actions he put his hand to her face and pulled her to him, softly bringing their lips together

She was suprised by his actions. But more suprised at the fact that she trusted him. She leaned into the kiss, grabbed the front of his jacket .

They both were startled by the crash in the front hall. Alison jumped off the desk and took off out the door before he could stop her. Dark shook his head

"That stupid girl...."

But then he heard her yelp.... His aura crackled to life as he rushed out to the front door which was wide open. The window next to it was smashed. Alison was nowhere to be seen

"Ali?? Where the hell are you?" He shouted angrily.

He heard scuffling outside. Curses came flying out of alisons mouth. The Egos eyes darkened as he ran outside and saw her on the ground under her attacker, fighting like a wildcat. He stomped down the steps and across the grass quickly, grabbing him by the back of the neck and neatly tossing him into the side of her car.

He helped Alison up and studied her quickly. Busted lip, scratches on her arms... His anger boiled over and the dark aura he carried around seemed to grow even blacker. In short. He was pissed.

"You stupid asshole. You think you can have her?" The voice came from behind him. Dark turned and stared down Shane.

"You cant. Shes mine and she will always be mine. I dont care what you or any of your other ego friends have to say. Spandex boy and Brody couldn't stop me...what makes you think...

He trailed off as he became accutely aware of the silence that enveloped him. The anger rolling off the Ego in the form of his aura suddenly making him regret coming here

Dark spun on him, grabbing his neck and shoving him against the car. His voice came out as more of a growl

"You listen to me you insignificant toad. I dont know who the HELL you think you are, or what you *think* youre going to accomplish. But taking "ownership" of Alison Calaway isnt it. People say im a bad person. Theyve never seen me be protective of someone, so trust me when i tell you the truth can be SO much worse than youve heard. I will give you a choice. You may turn around and walk out of here, never contacting or even THINKING of that woman again. Or...

He tightened his grip on Shanes throat cutting off his air as the mans bladder let go

"Or my dear boy. I can show you what demonic really means.... Its your choice"

Shane struggled to speak 'o-okay' he whispered

"What's that? I cant hear you" Dark said. Enjoying the terror in the mans eyes

"Okay! Ill go. Ill go. Just please...dont kill me"

Dark dropped him to the ground, the black aura rolling around him, trying to contain himself. Shane scrambled to get to his car

"Ah ah" Dark said. The choice was to WALK away"

He held the keys hes taken from Shanes pocket up, jingling them and smiled evily.

"Th-thats at least ten miles through the woods! Are you insane??"

Darks eyes narrowed "guess you better get started....and hope the wolves arent especially hungry tonight.. Leave"

His aura shot out, eyes flaring. Shane pissed himself again and took off running into the night

Dark's shoulders heaved up and down as he tried to control his breathing, his body shaking with the anger. Trying to keep himself from chasing the man down and ripping his head from his body

Alison approached from behind and touched his shoulder.

"Alison...im sorry you had to see me like that. I can normally control myself...."

She tugged him to turn around and he looked at her. Blood dried on the corner of her mouth, eyes shining with tears. She placed her hand on the side of his face and he noticed her knuckles were busted from fighting back. He leaned into her touch. Her closeness calming the storm raging in his mind...how had it come to this....when had she become his safe place?

Alison tried to control her emotions...she should be terrified right now, especially after that display. But all she wanted was to hold this man. And she didnt understand. She slid one hand behind his neck and pulled his face to hers. Kissing him was less of a want and more of a gnawing need right now. He was suprised but wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back. Savoring the taste of her mouth

Alison pulled back slightly, out of breath and Dark leaned his forehead to hers, closed his eyes and smiled. Neither spoke. After a moment she pulled away completely and tugged on his hand

"Cmon. Let's go inside"

They walked into the house. Not knowing what to say to each other.

A week passed. Neither spoke about that night. Not avoiding each other but avoiding the subject. Which annoyed Darkiplier greatly. When had he become..this? Not confronting something? He longed to reach out and brush the hair from her face, touch her some way. But he got the feeling she didnt want to be touched right now.

'Well why would she you fool. After everything that jackass did, did you think shed just fall in your arms and stay there?' He said aloud to himself as he toiled in his office.

His phone buzzed with a text. He checked it to see a message from Alison. After breaking her phone hed taken her to get a new one with a new number that very few people now had.

A: "Hey... You wanna go get some drinks tonight? Im getting tired of being couped up but i dont exactly want to venture out on my own. I know itd be a bit of a drive but.."

He pondered for a moment. He could easily say no. That there was liquor here...but he knew it wasnt about the drinks for Alison. He could tell she was itching to get out. To move somewhere other than the house or the lake. She was becoming a bit like a caged tiger.

D: "Sure. Why not" ..... He had a feeling he might regret this.

****************

Darkiplier stood at the bottom of the stairs, ready to leave. He sighed. What was taking her?

'Ali. Are you coming or-"

The words are lost in his throat as she starts down the steps. Auburn hair gleaming, wearing a black and red dress that fit in all the right places and short heels.

She caught his eyes as she stepoed onto the floor and laughed "yeah. Lets go" Alison suddenly felt as if she were a piece of steak in the lions den and she didnt know why.

Dark just opened the front door for her without a word and motioned for her to go first. Trying to regain composure.

At the bar, they drank, Alison danced alone. She moved like a woman possessed. Dark just watched her intently, a feeling in his chest he couldn't quite describe. It had been a couple of hours when a man came up behind her, trying to dance too close and touch too much. Dark tensed as he saw her spin around and shove him away, then he walked over, catching the end of the trashy things he was saying to her

"Alison... Lets go"

Darkiplier didnt need to shout. Or ask her twice. She gratefully nodded her head, realxing now that she didnt feel cornered.

The whole way home she was quiet. Dozing, feeling the effects of the whiskey shed been downing all night.

When they arrived at the house she got out and walked in. She was barely through the door when Dark called to her. He stepped through the door behind her as she turned

He stared for a moment, then reached his hand out to touch her face...she flinched. She didnt mean to...it was just the thought if anyone touching her....of making her feel anything was anxiety inducing...but at the same time she wanted Dark's touch

His hand stopped mid air and his eyes darkened... He was... Sad? But angry at the same time

"I see..." He murmered. Then walked past her to his office and shut the door.

Alison stood there. Tears began to run down her face. "What the hell is happening to me" she whispered. She looked toward the office door. Wanting so badly to chase him. But tired of chasing things at the same time.

******

Darkiplier tried to focus on the computer in front of him. Itd been half an hour and hed gotten nothig done. "What the hell is wrong with you? Youre bitching and moaning after this *girl* you barely know. And for what? The feeling she gives you...pathetic" he spoke to himself condescendingly.

"You know. Speaking to yourself is the first sign of madness"

Alisons voice from the doorway made him jump. Not expecting her to be there.

"Can i come in?"

He studied her for a moment. "Yes. Of course, sit"

She walked into the room. Still in her dress but barefoot now. His breath hitched in his throat as she leaned back into the sofa and curled her legs under her,she sat the drink in her hand on the side table. He laughed. Another whiskey?

"Listen. Dark. Thank you for coming over when you did....that guy was..handsy"

He scoffed "Well. Did you think i was going to let him manhandle you? Though im sure you couldve handled it fine if need be. But i have this godforsaken need to protect you. And i still havent figured it out.."

"Dont protect me.... People that protect me get hurt...." She trailed off, thinking of Henrik stitching the cut in Chase's side after he fought with Shane that night. "Im not worth good people getting hurt"

Dark stood up and walked over to stand in front of her, then crouched so he was eye level. "Look. I told you. I think a lot of people are useless, but you arent one of them. You have this passion in you when you speak about people and things you care for. You want so badly to fight everything and feel nothing....and thats not possible. Trust me. Before you waltzed into this house i wouldnt have believed it. I was an asshole to anyone that looked at me sideways. I didnt need anything or anyone.... And then here are. Making me feel things. No my dear. Worthless is not something that should be used to describe you"

He placed a hand on her leg as he spoke, electricity running between them. She jumped but didnt flinch away this time. She stared into his eyes, taking in what hed said.

He cleared his throat and stood up "i believe this is where i tell you, im sorry if i scared you that night he came here. Im sorry if kissing you was out of line.." He grabbed her hand and pulled her to stand up "but i just couldnt help it..."

She smiled and then stared at the floor as she spoke 'you werent out of line.....unexpected maybe. But i kissed you the second time. So should i apologize for that?'

Darkiplier chuckled and put a finger under her chin, lifting her gaze to his "No my dear. Never apologize for letting me taste you... Though you may need to apologize for depriving me "

With that he captured her mouth with his. Slowly as first, then more forcefully. Her hands tangled in his hair, him holding her against him. She pulled back to breathe and his lips went to her neck. 'Dark..." She said breathlessly

"Mmmm" the sound rumbled in his chest as he caressed her back and softly kissed her skin, savoring each taste. The he looked at her and smiled wickedly "you know. Coming down in that dress... Then dancing the way you did. That wasnt very nice of you. Looking like that....moving like that in public. I very nearly pinned you to the wall then and there" his eyes danced as he spoke. Running his hands down her hips and gripping her right at the lower back to pull her closer

She laughed and smiled back at him "well. Maybe i like to torture you. Make you beg for it"

He chuckled "hmm. Me? Beg? Not on your life princess, you couldnt make me actually beg"

She stepped away from him and put one hand on his chest and grinned "oh. Is that a *challenge* i hear? Go sit in your chair over there"

He cocked an eyebrow in her direction but complied, pulling the chair to the front of the desk and sitting. This should be interesting

She turned of the lights with the switch by the door. Then walked over to his computer which was behind him on the desk. She went to a music site and put a song on. One that Dark recognized from the club. One hed watched her move to, his heartbeat quicked as he remembered the sight.

She strolled around back to where shed sat her glass and downed it. Then walked to just out of his easy reach and began to move to the music. Body swaying to the beat. Eyes closed. A little drunk but in control and knowing what she was doing. The moonlight played along her body.

Darkiplier reached to touch her and she swatted his hand away.

"Oh no. Put your hands away....you cant touch unless you ask...beg for it." She said mischeviously. "Your hands cannot touch me. But i...oh i cant touch you"

She stepped closer, bending down, holding his knees as she did and bringing her body up in a way so that her face, then chest were right in front of his face. She turned and bent between his knees before coming back up slowly, grinding against him, his hands clenching. His aura crackling around them with his need. But he would not break. He couldnt. His pride wouldnt let him.

But then. Alison straddled him. Legs on either side and sat in his lap. Still moving her body to the beat of the music, leaning back as she moved her hips. This was dangerous territory. She wanted him to touch her. But she also wanted to hear him ask. Dark, to his benefit was trying to keep his composure, but the hardness beneath her was giving him away.

The music stopped and she sat. Still straddling him and put her arms over his shoulders. She grinned at him

"You gonna break?"

Dark laughed. This little minx. If she thought for one second that he was going to-

All thought flew from his brain as he felt her lips on his neck. Her hand tangled in the back of his hair. She ran her tongue along it and then along his lips. Kissing him lightly 'cmon baby. You know you want it. All you have to do is say it.... Let go of the control for once"

He reached to hold her and she caught each of his wrists and held them down "ah ah darky. Not until you ask nicely" she purred in his ear and she ground against him again. Torturing herself as much as she was him

'Alison.." It came out as a half moan, half warning.

She stood up and let go of his wrists and grinned. "Well. I guess ill just have to go to bed alone then."

As she turned she unzipped her dress and let it fall as she walked across the room. Darkipliers eyes almost came out of his head at the sight of her in her black bra and panties. Now this was just evil....

He crossed the room behind her and slammed the door before she could get to it. She turned to see him staring at her in a way that made her feel very much like a wounded animal in front of a panther. He rolled his head to either side with his eyes closed and then stared her down again, his arm over her shoulder against the door, trapping her there

"Now Alison. You have given me great needs. Id like it very much if youd stop torturing me like this'

A playful smile played over her face "but its fun to see you squirm darlin" she licked her lips.

He stared at her than went to his knees "Fine. Is this what you what? You want me to admit i need you? Well here. I absolutely need you. In many ways. Right now i need you to let me run my hands over you, to taste you, to caress every inch inside and out that i can reach Miss Calaway"

He again reach for her hips and this time she didnt stop him. His kissed her on either side, tongue lightly darting over her stomach. He stood and backed her into the wall. Now it was his turn. He grabbed her by the back of her head and roughly captured her mouth, one hand gripping her ass. He moved to her neck, nipping her as she moaned and held onto his shoulders, one hand gripping his head.

"You know im going to have to punish you for that little one" he growled in her ear before.lightly biting her shoulder. She gasped at the sensation

"Ye..yes"

"And you do not need to try that all the time....not that i dont enjoy you being a little forceful.... Are we clear?" He moved to the other side of her neck, pushing his waist to hers as he kissed

"Yes"

"Yes what kitten?" He stared into her eyes as he said this. Conveying a need for her trust. Then he kissed her deeply before allowing her to answer

"Ye-yes sir?"

That did it. His groaned and grabbed the back of both of her legs and picked her up, her lega going around his waist and slammed her against the door as he kissed her. His tongue and lips exploring her neck and chest as she closed her eyes and let the passion wash over her

************

Dark stroked her hair as she lay in his arms. They were in his bed. Having made their way up here and finally she fell asleep after one more time. He smiled. She looked innocent but was decidely not.

Her skin was warm against his. Breast pressed against the side of his chest. He studied her sleeping face. Had he really said it... After the last time. Did those words come from his mouth?

He had said he loved her and she had thrown her head back and begged him to say it again. And when he had, louder this time she collapsed into his arms and whispered it back to him.

Where the words came from he didnt know. But they seemed so natural. He kissed her face and heard birds chirping....it was 5am..looks like theyd nap most of the day. But that was perfectly fine.

His phone buzzed on the night stand. He reached with one arm and grabbed it. Seeing a message from Mark

M:hey. Alisons parents are headed back to their place. If you want her go go, she can.

Darkiplier lauged and shot a text back

D:No. I dont think i want her going anywhere. Im going to keep her a little longer ;)

M:......what did you do

D:Now ask yourself. Do you really want the honest answer to that question from me?

M:... No. You know what. Probably not. Ill stop by when we get back to town next week

D:ok. Be sure to call first. Make sure we're decent and all

M: yeah ok.....and please dont allude to that again...ever

Dark laughed and sat his phone back down. Then wrapped around alison and fell into a heavy sleep...the most peaceful hed known in his existence.

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 2 - Valiant

- ik for a fact that this one is the episode with the asshhoole. not bc i recognised it from the title but perhaps it was because i recognised it from the title u got me there

- i always go to mr clean too when i want protection, val, ur not alone

- yeah, this is harry potter l ma o

- the next thing u know theres a stone that makes arthur live forever and the snakes start joining into one and growing bigger until a phoenix (im dibbing on kilgie here), pops their corneas out

- DAMN DON'T KILL UR DEALER WHERE U GONNA GET THE NEW SHIT FROM NEXT TIME SMH VALIANT

- okay but who names their son valiant

- he was probably named valerie and didnt like it so he said “woah imma be valiant like courage, thats sick”

- that was probably his superhero persona as a child ngl

- no, shev, no respect for val stop doing this

- merlin in armour, what a fucking bLESiSNG GIVING ME THIS RIGHT ON THE SPOT BBC KNOWS WHATS GOOD

- ok a y but hear me out, merlins a servant. i have not seen any of these servants been asked to train with the royals??? like in the sense where it helps the servant train as well?? and the FIRST thing arthur does with merlin as his servant is train with him. not only is arthur a huge JOCK, he’s not using his manservant properly

- neverfuckingmind “most servants collapse after the first blow”, so it seems to be arthur likes to train with his servants. now that in itself is a question to be asked, but is he the only royal who trains with his servants??? how did this man survive on his own without a personal servant until merlin??? did he have a personal servant??? was it just regular servants?? who are those other servants he trained with??? did arthur just say hey lets go to the field in the morning, put on armour and let’s have a fun time?? UNLESS merlin literally just took someones job away from them kmao

- also my mind went right to the gutter guys, ngl, it sounded like an innuendo. it had me quaking i wish i was one of those servants

- “we all have our duties, even arthur” “it must be so tough for him, all the *hesitates* girl, all the glory”

- so we probably get at least 1 out of every 2 episodes where there’s a scene with merlin dressing arthur in his armour. bring the popcorn, lads.

- MORGANA LOOKING LIKE A FRICKEN SNACK

- the reigning champion is arthur, wonder fucking w h y

- valiant is in fucking mustard, while arthur is fucking ketchup idk why i thought of that but it happened. my literature teacher always told me to look for symbolisms. guess we found one guys.

- merlin after hating on arthur for the past episode is literally just cheering arthur on like a good husband he is

- did ARTHUR JUST SNICKER AT MERLINS “CREEP” LMAO DON'T TRY AND HIDE IT BY HUFFING AT HIM AFTERWARDS YOU FUCKING GOOF

- omg he hid it by telling merlin to do a full novel of chores

- AND MERLIN DOES IT WITH MAGIC A PAIR OF GOOFS

-  “are you using magic again” “no” merlin ffs he just saw you use magic, while the items fell and landed right in front of him while you didn’t move at aLL. they are nOT BLIND

- “very aggressive style” I MEAN SURE UTHER

- valerie be fuckboying morgana lmao with a “i saw you watching” and a, “then i will give everything to win the tournament”

- i wish this show was set in the early 2000s so i can see val in low sweatpants, a backwards cap with gelled spiky hair and cheap neon sunglasses (maybe even some gold teeth just for kicks), while hes trying to rap 50 cents or make a mixtape of brit pop songs. bc yes.

- honestly im loving my 2000 fuckboy au. gonna make an ao3 after this.

- of course merlin would be the one to find out the magic shit in valiants room, it just lures him. AND OF COURSE VALIANT IS THERE

- i'm so fucking glad arthur looks confused as to how merlin did what he asked. when u have this kind of hubby, arthur, its amazing what things he can do.

- i dont know why theres dramatic music as merlin put armour on arthur but im living for it

- “is it my imagination or are you beginning to enjoy yourself?” merlin doesn't know what to say to that bc he’s turning gay and doesn't know if that counts as enjoying oneself when the one you are gay for is the asshole prince

- typically enough, valiant and arthur never fight except for the finale. like with all conveniences in place, youd expect them to have at least fought at some point with as much knights as there to determine the final two but no, just the finale. k.

- this poor fucking purple knighted bloke didn’t need to be fucking demonstrated on, val. like you didn't need to kill him?? that could have blown ur cover

- DID NOBODY SEE THAT??? DID NOBODY SEE THE FUCKING SNAKES???

- oooh merlin found out what happened everyone gonna be fucked. nobody harms arthur is he has something to say about it

- if someone starts off a sentence with “i just saw someones snakes on their shield come alive” nobody would fucking believe you, merls. but given the fact that magic exist… mhh maybe it wouldn’t be too absurd. but ppl apparently are thick as hell

- “why were you in his chambers” well i know how id explain if i was in valiants chambers ;)

- jk i dont fall for this toxic shit

- imagine getting paid as an actor just just lie down there like this poisoned kid. “yeah, id like to audition for ewan’s role???” “why are you lying on the ground?”

- i hate those tropes where it's like “i know how to tell someones bad, here’s proof” and then nobody believes you and tells you you’re lying and should die or whatever but then you kNOW IT'S THE FUCKIN TRUTH BITCH that trope gives me damn anxiety >:((

- yes merlin, fucking slash the shield with your sword. i'm sure that's how it works. im sure it will kill the snakes.

- HOWA RE THE SNAKES ALIVE WITHOUT VAL SAYING “ISHNAHASHAHI”

- i think val would know that you cut off the snake’s head, merls, just saying. ur were the oNLY ONE.

- TELL ARTHUR WHAT??? “I CUT A SNAKE”

- EXACLTY ONG THAT'S WHAT MERLIN FUCKING SAID I WAS RIGHT LMAO

- ARTHUR BELEIVED HIM I'M FUCKING LIVING BUT IK WHAT HAPPENS AND AHH

- uhhh the anxiety is rolling up boys

- ewan is mcfuckingdead

- snake be sliding in like a hoe on a business

- bfehfjdjfskf i hate this part

- arthur's pride, merlin’s pride, fuck me

- i'm not even gonna write this part, it breaks my fragile heart when arthur sees the look of people not believing him, especially his dad, and merlin seeing how arthur doesn't trust him anymore like prepare the eulogies girlies

- okay but if arthur is struck and gaius has the antidote?? arthur aint gonna die technically

- but now val knows merlin knows

- AND MERLIN INTERVENES

- why are royals so bitchy towards servants. like they do their best to help you??? they are loyal to you and are paid there to serve you and are often very kind, generous, passive, understanding people??? yet merlin interrupts uther and he fucking sends him to the pit

- VAL YOU ASS LMAO DON'T HURT MY SON’S PRIDE

- he said allegations like four times, yes uther we know ur vocab is shining with intellect but seriously, there’s other synonyms that could still be acceptable and still sound fancy

- quick search on google bc my mind doesnt roll fast enough: claim, assertion, charge, accusation, declaration, statement, contention, deposition, argument, affirmation. see daddy uther, not hard to look up.

- forget they didnt have internet whoopsies

- :((( arthur doesn't trust merlin anymore

- the husbands FIGHT

- not just a banter petty fight, this is a huge fight

- SACKING MERLIN DON'T FUCKING SACK MERLIN YOU GOOF

- TRUST UR HUBBY

- FUCK

- I'M GONNA CRY AND IT'S ONLY EPISODE TWO

- I'M HAVING EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS CONCERNING MY TWO BOYS

- GUYS IM NOT OKAy

- its been 2 minutes after i wrote that last sentence, and i am now okay

- “a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole” iconic as hell. so many things could be said about that quote. either for innuendo purposes, love purposes, destiny purposes, how long it took me to say it right, just so many purposes man. it’s just iconic.

- merlin looks absolutely done with kilgaharama’s shit

- “just give me a straight answer” seems like kilgarass here is being too gay for merlin

- gwen already knows merlin’s the heroin of the series, saying everyone knows it's merlin who will save the day. but same tbh

- i dunno if this is like me or not but it says her nickname is gwyn in the subtitles but im typing it as gwen which i thought was how u wrote it, even if her full name is gwynevere but like gwen has a ring to it while gwyn sounds like gwin or smth and i dunno which one is right so ill just leave it alone ahjsjfk

- MORGANA HAS VISIONS WE ALREADY KNOW WHERE THIS GOES SHES MAGIC ISNT SHE HAHAHAHAUHD

- merlin trying one last time to convince his husband not to die, but at least this time arthur knows he’s up for val’s magic and is like “k iloveyou but i have to do this for the country not just bc of pride and thinking val is not magic”

- staring into the fire like he’s hoping it would suck him up into the void, not only is merlin a now confirmed emo, so is fucking arthur it seems. perfect for one another i'm telling you

- eerie music as morgana enters… wha suddenly i can't read

- i thought at first morgana and arthur were gonna end up together cause of the fucking weird tension going on and i was prepared to be disfuckinggusted but no! the show and producers actually put my expectations away and helped me see that it wasn’t going in that direction! thank fucking god! 

- k but arthur looks majestic in his gear im just a huge bi

- “don’t go into my room” he says then gaius peaks in and almost gets mauled by a large chihuahua

- me too val, id step on someone's toes then fuck them up with an undercut. thats the bad bitch way to go. unless it for arthur, then val hahaha you can go fuck yourself

- no one sees mErLin??

- but they now see the snakes smh fakes

- “what are you doing? i didn't summon you” i don't think that will work val cause you didn't say it with a serpent tongue, it has to sound more like “shhashhwhat ahhssare hiisssyou iisshhaadoing?”

- okay but i thought arthur was impaled for a half second until he started to talk then i screamed that he was aight and he would now believe merlin

- uther better give merlin an apology

- arthur just said he wouldnt

- but still uther BETTER APOLOGISE TO FUCKING MERLIN

- “yknow i wish valiant was escorting me” “me too” i thought for a fricken moment arthur wished valiant would have escorted HIM. i'm dying.OMG

- “i wanted to say i made a mistake. it was unfair to sack you.” “don’t worry about it. buy me a drink and we’ll call it even.” DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU JUST SAID MERLIN YOU SLY DOG OMG

- “i can’t really be seen to be buying drinks for my servant.” so if he wasn’t ur servant?? you’d say yes?? they are so fucking gay i can't anymore

- yeah, i literally fucking can't

#merlin #merlin bbc #merthur #s1 #this is early bc well it was already written #peeps up for the next one boys #tho its not done #expect it in a few days oop #s1.2

[peckhampeculiar]

Twerking nine to five

PECKHAM’S KELECHNEKOFF STUDIO OFFERS FITNESS CLASSES RANGING FROM POLE-DANCING TO TWERKING TO YOGA. We meet its inspirational founder – the personal trainer, actress and Peckham resident Kelechi Okafor

WORDS JUMOKÉ FASHOLA PHOTO DILESH SOLANKI

I don’t think you could find anyone prouder to be a south Londoner than Kelechi Okafor. Born in Nigeria, she arrived to join her mother in Peckham at the age of five and the area has been her home ever since.

Describing herself as a ride or die Peckhamite, she not only lives locally, but has also established her Kelechnekoff fitness studio here.

Kelechi is a fierce, fun and fabulous woman, with boundless energy, who sees her remit as one of reclaiming the narrative about what it means to be a strong black female in the age of social media.

Her studio, based in the Sojourner Truth Centre on Sumner Road, offers everything from yoga to pole-dancing to twerking. Why twerking?

“One of the things I wanted from having a space like this,” she says, “is to allow women across the board to be tender and engage fully with their bodies.

“Because society has hyper-sexualised the female body so much, and the black female body specifically, there are women who just want to be as far away from that narrative as possible, not understanding that our power lies in the sexuality and sensuality of being a woman. That’s what I want us to take back.”

As an actor, director and personal trainer who specialises in twerk and pole-dance fitness, it’s been a challenging road to get to where she is today – from the homelessness she experienced as a teenager to supporting her mother and brothers, to depression, therapy, having to integrate into a new family when she first arrived in the UK, childhood sexual abuse and a lot more.

She has survived and is very open about her personal journey to date, particularly on social media. No topic is off limits – black issues, police brutality, mental health, her own recent miscarriage.

She has amassed a following of almost 35,000 people on Twitter, with a further 12,400 followers on Instagram. Where did her fascination with social media start?

“It was probably around 2013, when the shift started happening and I just felt that we had something here that allowed us to communicate with everybody, worldwide,” she says.

“I’ve always been a writer, and when Twitter came along I just took to it, because I thought, ‘This is a space where I can say what I’m thinking and I can put it out there as a form of microblogging.’

“I joined it when hardly anyone else was on there and I remember when the influx of celebrities started joining us. I thought, ‘There goes the neighbourhood, they are going to ruin everything!” she laughs.

“But it has changed and I’ve changed with it, as I saw how it allowed us to have our own voice separate from the narrative that we were getting from the media.

“I feel that this is where the power is. It’s an opportunity for me, Kelechi, to give you an alternative narrative to what you’d normally get from the mainstream.”

But in being so outspoken across her social media platforms, has there been a cost? “Yes, there has been, but I think that for anything that matters to you, there is always a sacrifice,” she says.

“Occasionally I will go online and there will be someone calling me a black b**** or a black this. Sometimes I save the tweets. Perhaps one day I’ll take it to court and then they’ll have to show up and explain that email or tweet they sent. But it hasn’t really got there.

“I did have horse manure sent to me in the first small studio I opened in Clapton, though,” she remembers ruefully.

“I had been speaking that weekend about the appropriation of black culture by mainstream pop artists.

“I was pointing out that when it’s ‘appropriation’, there’s always someone with more power who benefits from it financially. If it was ‘appreciation’, the person who has less of the power should be benefiting from it but they’re not.

“I was explaining that and someone got extremely upset with something I said, because soon after, I got horse manure posted to me anonymously.

“Although,” she laughs, “it didn’t even offend me because it was so well packaged and 100 per cent organic.”

What was the response to that experience from her social media followers?

“I have a lot of black female followers who care about my safety and care about my wellbeing. So, someone wrote an article for BuzzFeed about it, which basically helped promote my studio.

“Many people, men and women, sent me flowers and books of poetry including one by Maya Angelou. I just received so much love.”

Whatever the challenges she has faced in life, keeping fit has always been her way of working through issues.

“I’ve always been active and into sports”, she says. “Growing up, I played football and netball. It was stuff I didn’t have to try hard at, it was just a skill that I had.

“I had wanted to be head girl at school but my teacher thought I was too boisterous for that, so she said I could be sports captain instead.”

Her love of sport comes not just from her innate ability, but also from the discipline that it requires.

“When I was in secondary school I joined the air cadets. All I’ve ever yearned for, after not seeing it in the family home, is discipline. I like routine and structure.

“I think we were in year eight when we had a talk from the air cadets. And I thought, ‘Yeah, that’s it, I’m becoming an air cadet.’”

True to form she worked hard at it and for her, “the psychological part of the training gave me a break from being the one who did everything at home and having to be in control of everyone. I wanted and needed that break.”

Alongside fitness, her other passion is acting. It was a choice of career that her mother was dead set against.

“I can understand why,” she muses. “If you’re losing your home and don’t have a regular job, what you want for your children is a steady job. You want to know that they will never suffer or want for anything. Mum was like, ‘Just be a lawyer, you are such a great orator’.”

As a compromise, Kelechi found a course that would allow her to study both drama and law at Liverpool Hope University.

“I’d never been to Liverpool before,” she says, “but that’s the only place which was offering that degree.”

Coming back to London, she started working at a call centre and found it soul destroying.

“I remember going through London Bridge one day and just thinking, ‘There has to be something I can do where I’m not at the mercy of this corporation’. And I just thought, ‘I’ll become a personal trainer’. Fitness was the thing I loved most after acting.

“I saved up my money from my job, paid for a distance learning course and then I did lots of work experience in different gyms.”

Her business took off straightaway, courtesy of her followers on social media.

“When I did qualify, there were already women on Twitter and Instagram who were like, ‘Just come and train me’.

“So I went into that and that’s when I started to see the kind of freedom and flexibility that I could have access to without being at the mercy of big corporations.”

Her personal background means that she has a real desire to see women embrace who they truly are, not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually.

“What I really want for women to understand, especially when it comes to our bodies, is that we only have this one body,” she says.

“When I start training people, I want them to understand that there’s nothing I can do that’s going to make them more beautiful.

“I can get you slimmer if that’s what you really want. I can get you more toned, but none of these things are actually going to make you more beautiful, because it’s not really based on what you look like.

“[It’s about] getting my clients to understand that to me, personal training is 80 per cent psychological and emotional, and 20 per cent physical.

“You didn’t come to me because you care about your fitness, not really. There’s something else that’s happening there. What is that thing?

“If we talk about that ‘thing’, then the fitness doesn’t feel so bad. I’ve had women and men break down into tears when we’ve been having a session because I will say things like, ‘I just feel today that you’re holding a lot in’.

“I can feel it and then they let that out. And that’s what they needed. Then they feel safer because they know that I will spot it if they’re holding a lot that day and we taper the session to create space for them.”

She’s irritated by men who try to dominate in gyms. “I’ve had it myself when I’ll be training at the gym and a guy who clearly knows nothing about fitness comes up to me, just because I’m a woman, and says, ‘So when you’re doing this you really want to do it like this.’

“Wait, you’re telling me, the actual professional, how to do it?! And then they often have the temerity to say, ‘Don’t grow too much muscle though, because you don’t want to look like a man.’”

She dislikes the way Christmas and the new year are promoted to us commercially.

“It’s interesting to me how around Christmas time, the focus in adverts is on massive turkeys, chocolates etcetera, pushing a form of gluttony on us.

“Then as soon as January hits, it’s ‘You, disgusting fatty, get to the gym, get fit’, and I just think that we have to pull ourselves out of that. We are being sold one thing while being beaten with another. What does that do to your self esteem? We never know where we stand because companies were just telling us five minutes ago to eat all of the food!”

What’s on offer at her own gym is a way, according to her, of connecting women to the “divine feminine” through dance.

“With the twerking classes at the studio I wanted to celebrate my African-ness while still paying homage to the ways in which it has changed and how it’s now become linked with hip hop culture,” she says.

Also available at the Kelechnekoff studio are very popular classes in pole-dancing and also yoga, which she is particularly keen to make accessible to all, especially those on lower incomes.

She hopes in 2019 to include a few more aerial disciplines, such as aerial hoops and also Wing Chun defence classes. Primarily though, whether it’s a twerk hen party or a pole-dancing class, her dream is that the studio continues to be a fun place that celebrates all women.

On a personal level as we approach the new year, she’s living by her own mantra: “Don’t stop striving for that thing that makes your heart warm. You deserve it. You can achieve it.”

[bigbadwolf-16]

i had bonus thoughts about rahool and drifter so here they are

rahool and drifter arent dating but they could be in a world where drifter isnt an insane feral spaceman with rabies and heres the thing about that;

rahool knows it. hes intelligent and perceptive, he can see that theres something there, he knows how to tell when drifter likes someone and when hes playing games, but he can also see theyre so immensely different in some very critical ways that he knows it wouldnt work -- that doesnt stop him from casually looking the other way while drifter breaks rules, though and, hey, its been a long time since anyone's flirted with him even jokingly and he could use a little bit of harmless fun in his daily life.

because rahool is very. i dont want to say traditional? because that doesn't feel quite right, but if he were looking for a relationship with anyone, he would want stability and some level of sanity. something relaxed, something low stakes. hanging out with someone as unhinged as drifter is fun and, dont get him wrong, drifter is fascinating, but being friends with a nutjob and being in a relationship with one are two completely different levels of intensity. if youre friends with someone crazy, its easier to tap out of an insane adventure and be like no. nope, this is where i get off, good luck with that thing youre doing. and when youre dating one, the expectation to be there extends beyond the initial headcount when you get on the bus; its more intimate, its more personal, and rahool doesnt excel in intimacy. he doesnt have time for it, he doesnt have time for sidelong glances and dinner dates, and he doesnt have any desire to be emotionally or physically intimate with anyone. all the better because when was the last time drifter had a heart-to-heart with anyone where he wasn't cornered and down to his very last handful of quips, looking like a dog about to bite?

neither of them want to be that close to someone; rahool because he doesnt feel like its necessary and drifter because hes literally incapable of that level of trust to such an extent i wouldnt put it past him to sabotage a relationship, intentionally or subconsciously, when it gets to a level that makes him nervous.

and thats not to say rahool a fair-weather friend, because youd be hard-pressed to find someone more resolutely loyal than him just because, as far as hes concerned, it makes sense, but rahool operates in a black and white world where drifter exists solely in gray. drifter will break rules, he'll break laws, he'll break the fucking geneva convention for a laff and all for a bigger picture that only people like drifter or eris or elsie could understand. people who havent just been touched by madness, theyve been consumed. theres things out there bigger than rules and patterns and its that level of unknown danger that rahool just cant jive with - even as a man of science who actively pursues answers, there are just some that hes more content not knowing because knowing opens doors that he doesnt want to be pushed through. hes not osiris.

and drifter? oof. i dont think he longs for companionship, hes done perfectly well on his own for centuries give or take flings or brief friendships that were the perfect means to an end and partners that got snuffed because they got a little bit too close to the truth of the universe, and he knows that things dont last. nothing is eternal and when youre a lightbearer, even a rogue one, not even death is forever until you piss off the wrong people. hes spent his whole second life in survival mode because thats where the excitement is. thats where the bloodthirsty thrive. he could have stayed on earth, grown with the city, been some rule-following stooge barking at the vanguard about how this or that isnt fair or just, but instead he decided to live his life on the bleeding edge and thats where hes at his best.

where black and white break into gray and theres no right or wrong answer for anything so long as survival is still the final result and theres probably some good in him somewhere, you think, but nobody knows the motives behind his cooperation. every so often you catch a glimpse beneath the curtain where the man who talks about a good old-fashioned hive stew around the campfire and interdimensional space monsters becomes a man who can snatch a chunk of the nine realms and tether it to his ship, build a machine overnight that can decrypt the impossible when the cryptarchs themselves have spent uncounted years just trying to crack one sequence of code with lost knowledge only recently unearthed, and who somehow always has an answer for an insurmountable problem that even the greatest minds of the golden age just couldnt quite reach - a man, not a legend, whos not so much clinging to the last thread of his sanity as he is bungie jumping from the end of it because there are answers at the bottom of this chasm and so long as hes got his gun and his wits, he'll bounce back when he reaches the end.

to rahool, the drifter is incomprehensible, fascinating, ingenious, dangerous, and strange, and he wants to see more so he keeps a close eye on what the drifter lets him see, never under any illusion that hes gaining some unknown insight beyond what anyone else could find if they kept up - and very few can keep up. it takes a special kind of lunatic to understand the drifter, but all you need to see him is the knowledge that some things just have to be done for the greater picture and fussing over politics and tiptoeing around hard truths just isnt the way.

to drifter, rahool is the path of least resistance to information he finds useful, yes, but hes also someone (like eris) who doesnt expect him to follow protocols and doesnt expect him to be anything but reprehensible and gross, but also understands that - at least on a surface level, because the real hand cant be shown until the right time - drifter is also a man hellbent on making sure humanity is ready for whats coming next, because hes one of few who's not just seen it, but knows what needs to be done to stand against it. its coming, it cant be avoided, it cant be fought with heavy artillery and hope. he can rely on rahool not to try and stop him, not because hes stringing rahool along for the long con, but because deep down rahool understands that sometimes you need to get your hands dirty and not worry about what other people are going to think about it. theres just enough of a bastard in him to be worth liking, and drifter can respect that.

theres a part in good omens, speaking of, that kind of sums up drifters deal and why i think rahool would be so interested him exceptionally well and its this: "God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time."

that, in a man, is what fascinates rahool so much and he splits his time between trying to solve immensely complex lattices of ancient code and trying to solve drifter and most days hes not sure which one is more impossible. but he does know one of the two slings a mean drink and isnt bad company when he isnt portraying himself as a man who isnt bothered by anything, is dangerous to even know, and who can and will eat anything that doesnt somehow manage to eat him first - and even thats up for debate if youve heard his stories. there are so many layers to the drifter that rahool could spend the rest of his life digging and still never break through the outermost surface and when your job is the scifi equivalent of data entry on roids, he's up for a challenge where hangups and failures still give interesting returns.

#meta #this got long im s osorry

[jourbiboo]

would you believe it if i said that id never celebrated a birthday before we became friends? to be honest, i don't even Know when my birthday is. aside from my year of birth i just remember having to bullshit something up when i first got enrolled in school and i never thought too much of it so here we are! funny how that works haha, i bet youd think that was weird if i told you, the weird kid with no birthday

funny how i expected you to put me on the spotlight somehow, when you first asked when my birthday was, as if you'd know it was a made up date and i was lying because people like me didnt deserve a birthday. but like any normal person of course you just accepted it, and those handful of birthdays i got to have because you always remembered and always made sure to make it special for me... in all its normalcy, in all its plain humanness... it was nice to have it applied to me. it was nice to have you as someone with a reason to celebrate me being alive, year after year

but even with all the wonderful memories from previous years ive managed to amass because you were there and always thought of something to make my day, i.... didnt think youd outdo yourself like you did this time

i blame it partially on just. how magical everything feels because i get to be a part of this road trip with you

its already pretty awesome to get to see all of these things with you by my side but. i dont think even insomnia can brag about a sunrise like the one you gave me. sure it sucked to wake up while it was still dark and i know i whined a lot because we had to walk so much among all those beasties and i was so sleepy but. wow...

for all the monochrome aesthetic you cling to so hard, you cant really escape, just how ethereal you look, when the sun wraps you in all its warm, gentle color. your eyes glimmer so deep, it's hard to look away, and tinged in golden pinks, there's a softness to your smile and face that catches my breath like a gust of wind. i was shivering like a dummy, and you made sure i knew that even as you handed me your jacket, and its wild how much warmer i got wrapped up in the scent and feel of you than from the jacket itself.

i nearly forgot about the pictures you granted me the opportunity to take, but ill keep the one of you against the sun near and dear

the trail back was fun and seeing that iggy made a special breakfast for us at the camp was. unreal. i still remember the days i was so scared of the others. but sitting them among them, watching them smile at the unrestricted way i showed how glad i was to receive their gifts... how amazing it is to be here. how lucky i am...

and then...

you stealing me away to the woods and my heart racing like a dumb giddy teen at you leading me, at seeing the waterfall AND the pool and thinking more pic opps with my best bud!

of course, nothing could have prepared me for the fact that you actually wanted to Swim...

and it's funny, because its not like we haven't done stuff like this before, like spend time in a pool all those years ago, be close to each other

but... in the sparkling clear water among the vibrant trees, years after knowing you and unavoidably adoring every single trait of you you've allowed me to nurture close... to see you smirk in unmasked mischief as you undressed as comfie as ever... god, the things that being this close to you does to my heart

and its so unfair because it feels like the more familiar we become, the happier you make me, the more cherished memories you build in my heart, the more that seems to coat you in pure golden warm light, the more that seems to make your eyes glimmer, or your smile soften, your whole slow-motion of navigating through life seem more mesmerizing, entrancing

i get down to my undies with the same unconditional trust you show, eager to make the most of this with you, and my heart is so full of this warmth you keep pouring, i want nothing more than to just goof around and make you laugh and relish in the bell like ringing of your happiness, and i also want more, so much more, but i dare not imagine it or even dream it...

and we splash around and we joke around and we melt into the water in turns, and the whole time my heart is bursting, and the whole time i keep thinking that if healing tender touch magic were a thing, then i wish i could be personally responsible for you never needing to see a doctor ever again

ive never felt anything this strongly or overwhelmingly, ive never understood anything less, or felt less like i could have it. as the sun goes down and we dry off somewhere between mischief and tension, my face hurts from smiling, my heart hurts full of all the reasons youve given it to smile too

to wait until the night rolls in fully in camp with everyone is a blessing, to be surrounded by laughter and friendship, for two seconds to forget about every single thing that sets me apart, and to belong, to belong, to belong...

were the last two ones out and even in comfie silence, i feel the quiet serenity of our shared smile, and i try so hard to remember every detail of being here, of surviving another year with you as my best friend

you tease me when you hear me yawn dramatically loudly one time to many, gently ushering me to our shared tent, against my unsteady steps and laying there flat on my back, gazing at all darkness, i could not feel more full of light...

i see the contour of you against the glimmer of the flames outside, the bright hint of a smile, the phantom tint of gold and pink on your skin

and how i crave to be those flames, to emphasize your lines with the kind of tenderness they write stories and poems about, that grows every time you show yet another dumb wonderful facet of you to me, the kind of tenderness i never thought id get to feel, and it almost feels like a cruel joke that it had to be for you, this worlds unattainable sun

god how much would you hate me, if you knew just how much sunshine you really shed on my heart, how long my mind really dreams of this reality with you

and yet this feeling continues, and having you near makes me just as happy as always, even if this is all ill ever get

how could i ever possibly feel sad, at this empire of golden pink light youve turned my life into so thoroughly

#night

[pikapepikachuu]

How Josh Wakely landed the Beatles, Dylan, Motown and more

Could I please have a knife and fork, he asks the waiter as we take our seats in Mr Wong, a bustling, upscale modern Chinese restaurant in a converted warehouse in Sydneys CBD. Even as the words are leaving his lips, he knows theres a good chance theyll end up in print. I knew the risk I was taking, he says. He pulled the same stunt on his first date with the woman who was to become his wife. Shes a human rights lawyer and I was a semi-employed screenwriter and I went for the knife and fork. And how did it turn out? I got a second date, but it still burns her, he says. At least it wasnt a spoon. Wakely is quite happy to tell stories against himself. Hes proud of what he has achieved that his success allows him to order the spectacularly good salt-and-pepper Balmain bugs at this restaurant whenever hes in town, for instance and he has ambitions to achieve a lot more. But as a boy from Newcastle, he also knows it doesnt do to get ideas too far above your station. His parents were, comparatively speaking, quite posh his mother was a social worker, his father a teacher but the town in which he was raised was dominated in every sense by the steel plant, at least until it closed in 2000. Everyone was employed in BHP and then everyone wasnt, he says. It was a very working-class world and thats still the world I feel most comfortable in. And yet the one thing I could do was write, though I didnt really know what to do with that.

The salt and pepper Balmain bugs are a highlight.Credit:Louise Kennerley He lasted just five weeks in an arts-law degree at Newcastle Uni his brush with torts was cut short when he rocked up to class dripping from the surf, only to have his tutor tell him, I dont think youll be a lawyer before decamping to Sydney with dreams of making it as a writer. Some good reviews for his 2002 play Woomera in which he also starred as a young detention-centre guard helped earn him a place at the Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts, even though acting wasnt his primary interest. So I rang up the head of WAAPA and said, Ill come to your drama school, but I want to be a writer and director, he recalls, laughing at his own chutzpah. He says Im the only person whos ever rung up and negotiated. The tyro writer did all the acting and dancing expected of him even though he wasnt particularly good at it. Then he would go home and write for four or five hours, every night. By the time he left he had enough work under his belt to convince a series of producers to pay him to write screenplays none of which ever made it to production, he says, because they were just too ambitious for Australian budgets.

Beat Bugs marries the songs of the Beatles with computer-animated critters.Credit:Netflix Thats why his credits pre-Netflix are, to put it mildly, rather thin. But if he was guilty of thinking too big back then, Wakely has zero regrets. There is great power in being wildly naive, he says. Unquestionably, though, his most pie-in-the-sky idea was to go after the rights to the Beatles catalogue with an eye to turning their songs into an animated childrens series.

The bill, pleaseCredit:Karl Quinn Beat Bugs has recently produced its third season for Netflix, won him a screenwriting Emmy, and spawned three albums of Beatles covers by the likes of Sia, Pink, Rod Stewart and The Shins. Next year, a live version is set for an 80-city tour of the US and Canada. It's fair to say it's been a hit. But for a long time after Wakely and his wife moved to Los Angeles about a decade ago, it was just another wildly ambitious plan seemingly destined to go nowhere. One day, Wakelys worried father-in-law, visiting from Australia, tapped on the door of the garage where he wrote and asked what his back-up plan was if he didnt manage to land the Beatles rights. Ive got a good idea for Bob Dylan, came the reply. His father-in-law closed the door, shook his head in despair and walked away. Now I look back on it, he was the sane one, Wakely says. I was insane. When he finally got a chance to put his idea to Sony/ATV, which holds the publishing rights, Wakely rocked up with a demo recorded for $200 by his old mate Daniel Johns in one hand and a pitch document hed put together at a local printing shop in the other. The meeting didnt go well. For some reason, he was made to stand on a cushion, and its very hard to keep your status on a cushion. Then one of the executives fell asleep while Wakely was talking. Worst of all, when he hit play on the stereo it didnt work. And I just remember thinking, I am f---ed. It could have been a fatal blow, but as I left one of the guys there said, Hello, Goodbye would be a good song for children. That was enough. For Sony/ATV, the appeal of Beat Bugs lay in exposing the music to a generation that might otherwise never hear it. It refreshes their catalogues, it keeps them pertinent and present, Wakely says. If you refresh it, it stays in the culture. Presumably there was the small matter of a significant sum being handed over too? To be clear, I think the Beatles were fine without me, he says. I dont think it was ever about the cash. They made the cash long ago. Once he had the rights, everyone wanted to talk to Josh Wakely. In the weeks after, it was all expensive cars coming to take me to meetings at Disney and Dreamworks, he says. But while being feted was nice, he realised that if he signed with one of the majors hed get the bungalow and the credit but he wouldnt be making the show himself. So instead he went with Netflix and the Seven Network in Australia. I came back to Sydney to set up an animation company, which was its own epic journey. It was as hard, really, as securing the Beatles rights. Wakely is a restless spirit, though, and long before the first season was in the can he was onto the next thing. I kept saying to them, You know when I get the Beatles rights then Ill ask for Motown, because that will be electrifying for children. They just thought that was part of my stand-up act. And then Beat Bugs had success and I went back and reminded them. [embedded content] He landed the Dylan catalogue too he even spent a couple of hours in the presence of the great man, an experience he describes as sacred and Universal has given him access to its entire repertoire as he looks for ways to tell stories about the songs, or the stories behind the songs. Because that, really, is his thing. For now at least. When he got the go-ahead to do Beat Bugs, he says, Id never directed a frame of animation and Id only written one childrens script. But I get how music works with storytelling and I took a lot of confidence out of that. Now his slate also includes projects with Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam, and a project called 27, based on the mythical age at which so many rock stars have died. What if one of them survived, and you get this alternative history, he says. You can watch it linear or you can watch it interactive.

The dining room in this converted warehouse is buzzing.Credit:Louise Kennerley Despite his success with Beat Bugs and Motown Magic, Wakelys main interest is in adult-oriented drama and comedy. He wants his company, Grace, to develop into a fully fledged production house, ideally based in Australia. The creative talent is here, he says. Its just a question of whether the resources and infrastructure are here and if youd get the blessing [from the studios in LA] to do it here. Theres no knowing how much of this he will be able to bring to fruition, of course. But on the evidence to date, youd be mad to rule out the possibility that he might just pull it off. At any rate, all he can do is ask for the chance to try. The odd power I take into those rooms is a sense that I shouldnt be there anyway, the kid from Newcastle says. So what have I got to lose? Follow the author on Facebook at karlquinnjournalist and on twitter @karlkwin Karl is a senior entertainment writer at The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. Most Viewed in Entertainment Loading https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/how-josh-wakely-landed-the-beatles-dylan-motown-and-more-20190408-p51c3z.html?ref=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_source=rss_feed

[floramodus-archive]

==> Flora: Confess

floramodus raddddia i know im like

floramodus half hammered and the past 24 hours hasnt helped me much as a mentally stable individual but you know what? fuck it man i love you and not in a friend way though you are! one of my closest friends i just i love you alot romantically youre a hellfire in the arctic and i love you

tlmetravel im sure you think you do, sweets its the alcohol im not angry at you for relapsing, as a side reminder for later need help sobering up?

floramodus i need help for you to take me serious for once.

tlmetravel i am

tlmetravel im very serious about you needing to sober up

floramodus im already half sober because dean hasnt let me have anymore since he got home the point is: im not saying anything because im drunk. im not clinging to you because im drunk. i just had to watch my fiancee die, again, in full detail. im not saying these things out of of my ass, aradia, i love you.

tlmetravel you had to see that? on valentines day?

floramodus i made a choice to find the answer and i did, timing aside.

tlmetravel im proud of you for it im also sorry you had to see it oh, my poor girl, how you must feel happiness absent so strongly

floramodus ///I HATE HER MOIRA

tlmetravel //:)c

floramodus your avoiding the main topic and at this point i want dean to leave so i can go get moonshine because whats the point aradia. whats the point in dancing around it instead of telling me cold turkey? what do you gain from seeing me falter

tlmetravel im not trying to dance around it so much as give you the opportunity to take it back once youre more clear headed

floramodus thats almost painfully hilarous?

tlmetravel why is that?

floramodus because once again you arent taking me serious and i knew it would be this way for months. i knew sober or drunk youd find a way to make me regret speaking

tlmetravel im sorry if i have im just not sure what you want me to say

floramodus is it worth pursueing or am i barking up the wrong tree?

tlmetravel you have such a penchant for making yourself unhappy youve already dealt with enough serious, life altering topics think you might want to give it a rest before tackling this one give yourself a break

floramodus love in general? or love with you?

tlmetravel love in general is life altering

floramodus guess what! cock a doodle do my life is altered always! thats how we exist! thats how we keep sane! if you want to say no thanks than do it aradia ive been through worse.

tlmetravel you have thats why im not letting you have this discussion right now or make it into something trivial this is a battle for another day go to bed, flo

floramodus im not sleeping till you give me an answer i can sleep with

tlmetravel you are so endlessly cruel to yourself

floramodus i can sit on this couch all night and all day and die again and gain radia.

tlmetravel you do realize youre just proving my point

floramodus i dont care ///i typed that so loud every dog in my moms house just went off

tlmetravel regardless, im not what youve mistaken me for, flo im just happy and i think you just want to be happy too you have the right to be, at any rate //fck

floramodus just say it ///FUCK THEI R SCREAMING AND I PRESSED ENTER BUT ANYWAY

tlmetravel are you really so deluded as to think that just because /you/ dont care, the rest of us get a free pass as well? that well turn a blind eye to your safety breaches just because you throw a tantrum? you have /got/ to stop doing this to yourself you have /got/ to stop treating your life and everything in it with this kind of dangerous levity so no! you arent getting an answer! youre not getting anything until you tuck yourself in and let yourself /rest/ before taking on any more

floramodus ///I THOUGHT THat said fuck

tlmetravel //let dolly say fyck

floramodus well i guess this couch will be cozy while i sit here awake for as long as it takes

tlmetravel you will Not use your well-being as emotional blackmail not against me dave might let you and the rest of your friends might but you dont get to press on my moral values because /i have none/ and you will sit, and you will rot, and it will be for nothing at all

floramodus ///tfw aradia even makes me, the mun, feel like a piece of shit i love her

tlmetravel until you realize its pointless and let yourself out of this cage youve built out of whatever survivors guilt you brought back with you

tlmetravel //shes amoral and ppl forget and I love

floramodus you may have no moral values but ill tell you what i have thats less than that? the fucks i give about my place in the universe. i spent 7 years of my life questioning my existence to lose that existence and you know? i dont fucking care anymore. my life is mine to burn ///i like how u posted that and i sent the same screenshot 2 seconds earlier to joseph cause im living

tlmetravel //do u know how. pissed shed be at dave if she knew he let her go through w those amputation experiments?  not v much bc shes incapable of being angry at him but shed Want to be and I,

floramodus ///asdfghjk

tlmetravel you dont get to play with fire just because you dont know what to do with yourself. you dont get to use your own life as a punching bag for your whims you dont get to keep expecting for these bridges to go up in flames when so many of us love you you dont get to look at love and call us stupid

floramodus i never even said any of you were stupid

tlmetravel then why do you keep treating us like we are

tlmetravel like well let this slide if youre loud enough

floramodus im not treating you guys anymore than the best i can ! its not my fault you take my life so personal! what do expect of me? to sit in a goddamn corner and suckle vitamins for the rest of my immortal days?

tlmetravel youre our /friend/! itll always be personal for us

tlmetravel wed destroy anyone who hurt you but, to our great despair, the only one keen on hurting you is /you/

floramodus im not hurting myself im doing what nature and common sense dictate

tlmetravel oh thats rich no, you are purposely doing what hurts you the most out of whatever misguided sense of survivors guilt but guess what none of it will make you feel better and it sure as Hell doesnt make us feel good

floramodus guess fucking what! the clouds told me bec lives! im doing something right with my life! even if i have to cleave my goddamn skull in!!! two!!!

tlmetravel youre making accomplices out of innocent people by not letting them help

floramodus you arent scientists. you arent magicians.

tlmetravel you are actively tying their hands behind their back because they love you too much to tell you any of this i dont care, flora and i dont pretend to and i wont pretend to just the same as you so blatantly dont care about /my/ good friend, i dont care about yours i dont give a flying fuck if your dog lives

tlmetravel non gratum anus rodentum it only matters to us because it matters to you

floramodus ///the acid fucking crashed my laptop

tlmetravel and your high-brow, dr frankenstein, 'oh im a scientist you wouldnt understand' act is not pulling the wool over anyones eyes youre self destructive bec just gives you an excuse to con us out of doing anything about it //God ™

floramodus //im not responding until tumblr boots back up cause she is nuclear moira

tlmetravel //good im not saying you dont honestly care for bec im saying he also doubles as a handy excuse

floramodus so what do you expect me to fucking do. how do you expect me to react to you saying the last goal i have in life is just that, a worthless goal. do you expect me to be gratify? do you expect to graciously bow to your ancient wisdom and sit in a bumbo and learn how to be "healthy" again for the sake of comfort.

tlmetravel yes

floramodus your goddamn right im self destructive i wont hesitant to tear my self apart for any goal worth it what are you gonna do about it? be content your fucking right? humanity believe a nuclear bomb would kill us all but that didnt stop them and it wont stop me

tlmetravel or you could just treat yourself as a tool, a means to an end, because god forbid you see yourself as a person, because you /know/ deep down that how you treat yourself? isnt how you should treat a person humanity really isnt the pinnacle of reason nor does humanity interest me, were talking about /you/

floramodus im human in theory but guess what? im not a person. im a god, a means of survival

tlmetravel does that flawed rhetoric make you sleep at night at least? because i really wish it would

tlmetravel because its good for absolutely /nothing/ else

floramodus i wasnt put on this earth to be comfortable ive been living in gunpowder since i was 6

tlmetravel you really dont want to start a sob story competition with me trust me you know why id be afraid, if you did love me?

floramodus despite my urge to tell you to shove it back in the textbook you crawled out  of ill play your game. why

tlmetravel because youd put me above yourself and im historically against pedestals its a frightening thing to love someone who would damn herself in a second without looking over her shoulder death doesn't just happen to you, icarus, it happens to everyone around you your wounds are not just your own though they sting you most

floramodus icarus had one life. i have infinity

tlmetravel i dont care each one of your lives is as precious to us as if it were your last just because you /can/ doesnt mean you /should/ by all means, go on with this madness, tear yourself limb for limb if your heart is really in it just dont expect me to be quiet about it in fact, place no expectations on me at all hellfire, you called me hellfire, indeed

floramodus let he who has the match wick the bridge in flames

#ooc #logs archived #long / #blood / #suicide / #self harm / #gore / #drdp /? #ask to tag #plot #alcohol / #tlmetravel

[strawberryspeachy]

So let me just share what happened ALL AT ONCE a week ago

The teacher i worked with and wrote about liking SEEMED to warm up to being coworker friends with me. He was looking out for me, deliberately waiting to walk with me to and from classes. Smiling and laughing and ENGAGING in conversation with me. And ok

I’ve talked to quite a few other teachers in my school and they ALL KNOW how to cut off a conversation. They do the lean away (i gotta go make it quick) they burry their nose into their work (ahh so busy cant listen) they SAY theyre busy. They dont ask follow up questions. They dont elaborate on answers. Im not that fucking stupid. I am stupid. But not that stupid

This boy started basically laying his head on my shoulder when we talked. Hed look up stuff I was telling him about on the spot not - oh write that down and ill check it out - no. Immediate. It i didnt ask him follow up questions to something he said hed talk more as if I did and leave them on a ‘ask me about that’ note like hint hint. I wanna keep talking. Not to mention how hed reach across me to get stuff. Touch my hand whenever possible (mind you none of my other teachers ever touched my hand with giving me stuff) just all in all gave the i like talking and were close here vibe. Hed complain to me and tell me “secrets”

I was just sad he didnt like me as more. But i was content being like this as coworkers.

Well. I fucked up and said (while laughing. Not an intense way) youve called me your friend twice now, does that mean were friends. I fully fully expected him to say yea yea were friends.

No it didnt go down that way

Instead thag led straight into him telling that he never wanted to hang out with me. He just said that. He doesnt like me. He doesnt like talking to me or texting me. And basically im just super fucking annoying.

So ok. Thats bad enough right. The only person in this country I thought was even close to something of a friend. Actually dislikes me

But wait. Dislike might be too weak.

Because it didnt end there.

He not only reported all the non school related conversations we had to get me in trouble. He also lied about things I said and did. Going so far as to accuse me of harassing and stalking him.

K maybe go back up and read how he was waiting for me to walk to class and almost leaning on me and - oh yea. Responded to every message i sent. Real responces. Not ‘ya’ or ‘ok’ and emojis and stickers and stuff... like that didnt read as “stop messaging me”

But my school was like yea - get her the fuck out.

So i got kicked out of my school.

But wait there’s more

My company was like - why arent you a mind reader. We got reports over a month ago that youd caused problems. But we decided not to tell you. We take no blame and youre fired. (Thats putting all the bs they said shortly. Havent even gone into how they didnt look into it. They didnt care about my side. They didnt talk yo one another and taunted me while fireing me)

So so far.

Guy i liked and thought was my work friend: hates me

School whose students i loved working with and made me want to skip weekends so i could return: fired

Company that provides me income: fired

But thats not allll

My company rented my apartment for me. So not only was I fired. Im also getting evicted. On christmas! Merry fucking christmas

And the reason i didnt wanna move out of here before is because i have to pay an early leaving fee, pay a AT MINIMUM 500 dollar cleaning fee!!, and ya know pay fucking movers to move or shippers to come get my stuff to be shipped becauseeee

As i felt. Everyone i met through my company are not my friends. I have no friends here. I am all alone in another country. No income. No place to live

Ive been applying to other jobs like crazy and apartments.

Actually actually here. Let me give you the two taunts my boss made while firing.

Right after he told me how i should have been able to read between the lines. Pretty sure he muted me whenever i talked about why it seemed my coworker enjoyed my company. Yeah immediately after he told me that several times. He said “teachers here often end up marrying other teachers because they work together and have the same hours and understand each other” um? Anyone know why hed throw that in there while telling me i should have known that my coworker didnt want anything more than a strict colleage relationship. Cause thats really counteractive fucktard who (my ex boss) left his wife for his coworker.

And. In Japan. Any person from another country who works here has 100% heard of gaijinpot. Thats how most people get here. Everyone knows that website. My ex boss said. (After telling me im unemployable now) “i know a place where you can find alot of english teaching jobs” AND WROTE DOWN FUCKING GAIJINPOT AS HE LEFT

MOTHERFUCKER

And thats it. Thats my life now. I asked someone who said if i ever need help to help me and really didnt wanna. And i shouldnt have because he said “youre for move is to find a job and a new place to live” gosh damnit i sure am a fucktard arent i. That hadnt occured me. Not like i didnt literally write that in my message above asking if youd take my futton for a short while.

I mean just this year a friend... friend. No. Person i knew since first grade who had a house and who i asked if i coild pay rent while i find a place to go if my family impulsively throws me on the streets was like - ehhhhh i really just wanna have sex in my house so no.

So i really shouldnt have even hoped someone here would help me.

Oh. And a wolf spider appeared in my room the day my coworker told me off.

And i saw an express train going all fast at the one station. And really really have been trying to convince myself that if i jump in front of it wont just slam into me creating the worst pain of my life as time slows down for me and i tumble downword to the track below the train where the wheels will rip me apart like scrambled eggs Completely aware of whats happening.

I just cant seem to imagine that going any other way except maybe that im thrown off the train and survive but never walk again.

So...

Not wanting to return to a place where my family will scream and make fun of me for being a fuck up again. While being forced to work a shitty service job and never see my friends cause theyre always busy. And never have anywhere to go.

Im trying to find another english job id like.... its not going well

Moving into a sharehouse.... i really dont want a roommate but i have no other choice cause im not even gonna be able to afford that with the fact that i only have a couple 1000 dollars and my rent alone will eat that meaning. Cant go do anything. So im aiming to be in the middle of tokyo. Living that city life i always wondered about.

Btw. The week before this happened id just accepted to myself that the city has too many people and i liked my little town with all the cheap stuff and my bike that kept me in shape. And that i coild see mount fuji on a clear day. This is why i dont approciate things. The second i have the thought its gone

[themoneybuff-blog]

Questions About Child Rearing Costs, Laundry Services, Unused Media, Aldi, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. $250K to raise a kid? 2. Long term care? 3. $20 bill budgeting 4. Expense of laundry service 5. Backlog of unused media 6. 403(b) risky? 7. Cheap or expensive bag? 8. Thoughts on Aldi 9. Is renters insurance necessary? 10. Appliance repair or replace? 11. Saying no to parent 12. Getting value from self-improvement books Spring usually begins with a mix of rainy days and dry days, warm days and cold days. Sometimes, its a warm, dry day and all I want to do is go outside. Other days are wet and cold and I want to stay in out of the rain. The hardest part are the beautiful days when I need to stay inside and work. I want to go outside on a long, long walk through the countryside and through the woods, looking for mushrooms and enjoying the fresh air. Spring is wonderful. On with the questions. Q1: $250K to raise a kid? My husband and I are in our early thirties and were starting to think about having a couple of children in the next few years. We started to look into the costs and the most common figure we found was $250K to raise a child. That cant even be right as there are families that raise kid that barely bring in that in total in 18 years. What is the actual cost of raising a child in your experience? Marion When you see numbers like $250K, youre seeing the total long term cost over a period of at least twenty years, and that often includes paying for college and other such large expenses. Its also an average and includes families who are paying for things like private school. My experience has been that the cost of raising a child is often connected directly to the financial means of the parent. You can raise a child perfectly well on a low income my parents were never, ever very well off when I was growing up and they raised three children. My father worked in a factory (when he wasnt laid off) and had side gigs (most notably commercial fishing) for a living and my mother was a stay-at-home mom. There wasnt a ton of money there. We are most certainly spending more per child on our children than my parents did on me, but the truth is that a lot of the extra expense is on optional things like a band instrument or sports fees or an extra ticket to an event that were going to as a family. We could not spend those things and our child would be perfectly fine. In other words, those $250K estimates are numbers that summarize what parents are choosing to spend on children, not what they have to spend. Outside of some basic things like food, shelter, clothing, public education, and medical care, most expenses related to raising a child are very optional, and many of those required expenses can be incredibly low out of pocket. Q2: Long term care? Read this article: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/10/health/assisted-living-costs-elderly.html What are ordinary people supposed to do when they need long term care? The wealthy can pay for insurance or higher care, but thats not an option for a poor person or even a middle class person. If me or my wife needed long term care I dont know what wed do. Alex This is one of many issues that have radically changed in society during the 20th century and that we havent really figured out how to handle as a society. At the start of the 20th century, people who needed this kind of care usually didnt have the medical care necessary to continue to live. They perished. Thus, it was fairly uncommon for someone to need this kind of care for an extended period of time, and when it did occur, there were typically large families and even whole communities who stepped up to provide that care. Today, much of that has changed. In many situations, medical advancements enable people to live through things that they would not have survived 100 years ago. This means that more people who are in a long term care situation are surviving when they previously would not have done so. At the same time, nuclear families are smaller and communities are less tight-knit, for various reasons. The truth is that as a society, we have not figured out how to handle this yet. We havent figured out how to handle a lot of the advancements of the 20th century yet as a society. One only needs to look at the cruelty of many internet forums as further evidence of this. The problem, of course, is that there is no ready-made solution. Long term care insurance is definitely one step many people can take to gain peace of mind about future situations, but its expensive for many. The honest truth is that many families, when faced with long term care situations, just have to deal with it moment by moment to the best of their ability. Some families struggle to provide that care at home, particularly when theres a larger pool of family members that can help, while others go into debt. Many families rely on some form of government assistance to make it work. If you can easily afford it, long term care insurance is a great idea. If not well, society doesnt have a robust solution for you. The solutions vary widely from situation to situation. Q3: $20 bill budgeting Was reading an internet forum that reminded me of how I used to budget in college. Back then, I used to have an envelope with $10 bills in it. Each month, Id put $300 in $10s in there and each day I would take one out. Aside from rent, I had to live on that $10 each day. It paid for the bus and for food. Strategy I saw used $20 bills today which would be roughly the same. Mary Lets spell out this system a little bit. Aside from scheduled bills like rent, electricity, and so on, a person would aim to live on $20 a day in cash. Each month, a person would withdraw $600 cash from savings in the form of 30 $20 bills and put them in an envelope somewhere secure. Each day, that person would take a $20 bill out of the envelope and put it in their pocket. They would have to live off of that $20 bill and change from the previous months. This gives you room to splurge if you want to, but to do so would involve eating beans and rice for a while. In other words, lean days would directly help with expensive days. It would also be needed to help you make up front purchases like a bus pass, which would ease daily expenses a little going forward. I mentioned this idea to a friend and she said that she would probably try to have days where she could get by without pulling a $20 out of the envelope and then at the end of the month thered be some $20s left over, which shed use for bigger goals or big expenses or emergencies. That seems like a strong idea to me. I think this system would work very well for anyone who is trying to make ends meet on a very tight budget. Q4: Expense of laundry service There is a service in our town that just started that will take your laundry off of your front step and bring it back within 24 hours washed, dried, and folded. The cost is $2 per pound of clothes (rounded up to nearest pound), paid up front. I am trying to do the math on whether this makes sense or not for us. Amy A typical large load of laundry weighs somewhere between 7 and 10 pounds, but that really varies depending on how much you stuff in your washer with a typical load. I actually weighed a load of laundry that I just pulled out of our dryer on a kitchen scale and it weighed about 9.5 pounds. So, youre paying somewhere between $15 and $20 per load of laundry to be done for you. What is that saving you? The big savings is the time. You arent carrying your clothes to the washer and filling it up. Youre not moving clothes to the dryer. Youre not folding those clothes, either. Thats all done for you. In terms of cost, the cost of a load of laundry at home, including all materials, energy, and equipment depreciation, is around $1. So, in essence, youre paying someone between $14 and $19 to put a load of clothes into the washer, transferring them to the dryer when done, then folding them for you when the drying is done. Thats at most half an hour of effort, and probably less than that. Thus, unless you are very strapped for time and can extract a lot more than $30 of value per hour out of an extra freed-up hour, then this isnt a cost-effective move. It essentially adds up to paying $15 or a little more for an extra 20 minutes or half an hour of free time. Q5: Backlog of unused media What are your thoughts on people who have large unused media collections and keep buying more without using what they have? Why does that happen? Is there a fix? I noticed this myself with my collection of Kindle books recently. My son is home from college and he piped up and said that he actually has a lot of computer games unplayed as we often buy him Steam gift cards. He has a ton of computer games left unplayed yet he will often seek out new ones. I want to be less into getting new stuff and more into using what I have. Mike The reasons actually pretty simple: buying and acquiring and getting and collecting new items for your collection scratches a much different itch than actually enjoying the items in that collection. I have the same issue in some areas of my life (far fewer than I used to, thankfully). The feeling that acquisition and discovery gives you is much different and I think more addictive than the feeling that diving deep gives you. This is particularly true when you dont have as much time as youd like to dive deep, but thats not the sole cause of it. The only solution Ive found that works is to put moratoriums on new acquisitions. Give yourself a 30 day or a 90 day challenge to simply not buy any new Kindle books. Suggest the same for your son with his Steam games. If you have the urge, ignore it or, if you must take action, put that item on a wishlist. This does a great job of strongly curtailing that desire to acquire, but its a desire that can easily grow if youre not being conscious about it. I find that doing these kinds of moratoriums regularly does a pretty good job of slowing down my collecting nature. As for actually using those backlogs, the best thing Ive ever done is to consciously block off time in my schedule for that kind of exploration. I block off an hour a day for reading, and that has caused my book backlog to evaporate. I block off time on many weekends to play board games and that means the games in my collection are getting much more play. Q6: 403(b) risky? I work at [a public university]. One of my coworkers claims that people shouldnt put money into a 403(b) because politicians will eventually target that money for extra taxation or reclamation because it is public funds. He thinks that because we are government employees our 403(b) money will eventually get reclaimed by the government so saving in a 403(b) is a waste. Is this even possible? Ana Well, anythings possible, I suppose. However, if youre running your life in response to what you think its possible that the government might do, youre walking by a ton of opportunity. I mean, I think its possible that the government might outlaw certain classes of opioids. Does that mean I should start hoarding them, just in case, even though theyre very likely to just sit in my cupboard and go bad? Of course not, and I consider new opioid restrictions to be far more likely than any changes to 403(b) taxation. Let me put it to you this way: if the United States government starts retroactively taxing the retirement savings of a large class of citizenry in a way that invalidates the entire reason for putting money in there in the first place, we will already be in an extremely ugly situation that will get much uglier. 401(k) and 403(b) plans are already big wins for the federal government because its a way to pump tons and tons of money into investments and thus helping the economy in exchange for merely delaying taxes for a while. The government makes far more money leaving 401(k) and 403(b) plans just as they are than if they were to tinker with them in a way that would drive people away from them. It is possible that the government would do something like that, but if theyre doing things like that, then we have much bigger fish to fry, like a rapidly devaluing dollar. In fact, most financial conspiracy theories that people use to justify weird financial choices are ones that, if they came to fruition, would be completely overshadowed by a collapsing economy and a hyperinflated dollar. In my opinion, a 403(b) is about as safe as you can get, and the risks you are taking by having one are overshadowed by the risk of having your money in the form of American dollars, and I dont consider that much of a risk either. The only realistic change I can see to a 403(b) is that they might change how the program works in the future, and that would probably involve sunsetting the current 403(b) program and letting the current accounts continue to exist without further contributions while introducing some form of replacement account. They absolutely would not want to risk any mass withdrawals from 403(b) plans if they abruptly taxed them, Wall Street would lay an egg and the value of the dollar would plummet. The government will bend over backwards to avoid that, not encourage it. Q7: Cheap or expensive bag? I need a messenger bag or backpack for work. I have been looking at the options and it seems like you can either get a cheap one for like $20 that will last for a year maybe before the straps start breaking or you can get one for like $200 that will last for several years maybe five or ten, maybe twenty. Cheap bag does the job now for only $20 but I will be replacing it before long if I use it every day. Expensive bag will do it practically for life but its really expensive right now and I have a hard time justifying spending $200 on a bag. I know you lean toward buying things for life and I can see that the long term cost might be lower with the expensive bag, but I cant justify $200 on a bag right now. Duane To me, the deciding factor in these situations is the cost of failure. What exactly happens when a bag fails on you? In my own experience, thats usually the moment when its time to get a new bag the old one failed in some way. A strap breaks or the bottom rips out or something like that. Whats the consequences of that kind of failure? What happens if youre actively using your bag and suddenly a strap breaks on your or the bottom rips out? If the consequences arent too disastrous, thats a mark toward a cheaper bag. If the consequences are dire, thats a mark toward a more expensive bag. Personally, one of the things I strongly consider when buying an item is the consequence of failure. If it causes a potentially major career or life hardship or an enormous mess, Im going to get the reliable version. If its something small, like an overcooked or undercooked meal, the cheaper version seems much more acceptable to me. For me, this was what drew me to getting a buy it for life kind of bag for daily use. Q8: Thoughts on Aldi Aldi just opened up in my community. We shopped there and thought it was okay and that the prices were great but there were weird little annoyances with layout and selection and the carts. Then I saw on CNN about how Aldi is expanding fast. What are your thoughts on Aldi? Good place to shop? Alice Im guessing that this is the CNN story that Alice is referring to. That article describes it well: they strip down the shopping experience as much as possible to make the prices low. What Ive found is that it means that their selection is kind of limited and some of their items arent particularly healthy, but their prices on what they do have are amazing. There are two different Aldi stores within about fifteen minutes of my house. Aldi is probably the cheapest grocer available to me, though Fareway isnt too far behind them and has a somewhat better selection. I basically find that the cheaper a grocery stores prices are, the weaker the selection is and the more bare-bones the shopping experience is. I generally dont mind the bare-bones shopping experience, but I do find that it restricts what I can cook if I only use Aldi (or, to a much lesser extent, Fareway). I find that if I shop at Aldi, I usually have to make a second stop for some items; occasionally, I have to do the same with Fareway, but not too often. Other grocers, like Hy-Vee, will have everything I need, but the prices are higher. Thus, it comes down to a convenience thing and a meal planning thing. If I plan very simple meals, I can get everything I need at Aldi, but our meals arent very varied. Theyre certainly cheap, but not varied. If I add more variety, I either need to make multiple stops when grocery shopping, adding significant time to my shopping trip, or shop at Fareway or even Hy-Vee. Honestly, I still mostly shop at Fareway. The prices are very good and they generally have almost everything I need. Aldi is lower on the items that overlap with Fareway, but I usually dont have to make a second stop if I shop at Fareway, its closer to my home, and the prices arent really that different for a typical weeks grocery list. Aldi is great if your list is entirely common food staples, and I do shop there sometimes. Q9: Is renters insurance necessary? Is it always necessary to get renters insurance? Just moved out from parents and my apartment has a bunch of Goodwill stuff and family hand me downs. If its gone I dont lose much. Matt First of all, its very possible that your landlord requires you to have some sort of renters insurance policy. Youll need to look carefully at your lease; if you dont have it, you might be in violation of your lease. Many leases require the renter to have a $100,000 (or more) liability policy. Honestly, the big reason that many first time renters need renters insurance is for the liability coverage. If you accidentally burn down the building and its clear youre at fault, the landlords insurance may cover some of it, but you also have a legal liability too. If you dont have insurance, that can be a huge problem. Renters insurance is pretty cheap, though. You can get a policy that includes $30,000 in property coverage (covering your stuff in event of theft or disaster) and $100,000 in liability for around $15 a month. I think its a good idea, even for people without much stuff, to get this kind of insurance if theyre renting, just because the cost is so low compared to the downside. Q10: Appliance repair or replace? Our washing machine has broken down twice in the last six months. A family friend has fixed it both times but he says that to really fix the problem will cost about $200 in parts and that we should get someone else to fix it as hes more of a handyman. Time to replace? Noelle Absolutely. I dont even hesitate to say yes to this. When a repair bill is going to be a large portion of the cost of replacing an older item, its time to replace the item, as there are likely other points of failure coming in the future. There are exceptions to this, of course. If you are familiar with repairing the item yourself or have an interest in figuring it out, then you should by all means give it a shot. If you can find the parts for cheap and want to tackle the repair on your own, maybe with the help of that friend, then its probably worth it. My guess is, given the price, that electronic components are involved, but the actual procedure shouldnt be too difficult. However, thats not something that necessarily appeals to everyone or works with everyones life. In that situation, I think a replacement is very justified. The nice part is that your current washer should last long enough to allow you to shop around. Q11: Saying no to parent Im 31 years old and single. My father passed away about six years ago. My mom didnt handle it well and has become an alcoholic and possibly a drug user. She comes to me and my brother regularly to borrow money. She does manage to keep her job at a grocery store that shes had since I was a kid but I have heard that the manager keeps her on out of loyalty and she shows up to work drunk sometimes. She was so wonderful raising me and to see her like this tears me apart but I dont know how to say no when she asks. She asks frequently enough that it does put some financial strain on my situation, though I am still making progress on my student loans. Do you have any advice for me? Megan If I were you, the absolute first step I would take is to find an Al-Anon group for you. The purpose of Al-Anon is to support people in your exact situation, those that have loved ones with alcohol abuse issues. It sounds like your mother is a good person who was broken in some way by the death of your father and she doesnt know what to do so she uses alcohol to self-medicate, and that is causing difficulties in your own life. Al-Anon can help you deal with things on your own end and perhaps help you figure out how to help your mother. There will probably come a point where you will have to tell her no, but I cant really offer specific advice on that because I dont know the specific situation. I can simply recommend Al-Anon as a great next step. Q12: Getting value from self-improvement books A lot of times when I read a book about personal finance or getting organized, the ideas make a lot of sense but then I close the cover and none of it seems to matter or take hold in my life and before long Ive forgotten everything other than a few main points. Do you have any tips for making personal finance books or organizing books more sticky in my head? Mary There are two key elements that I think make the difference for me. The first is that I take a lot of notes as Im reading it. If its on the Kindle or a copy I dont mind abusing, Ill do a ton of highlighting as I go. If its a library book, Ill put in bookmarks as I go. Then, when Im done, I wait a few days, then go back through the highlights and take actual handwritten notes on the book. This impresses the ideas into my mind. The other part is that, from those notes, if I have positive thoughts about the book at all, I try to put some of those notes into practice immediately. I usually do a thirty day challenge with some of the suggestions in the book, meaning I try to apply them as well as I can for thirty days in my life. If it seems like the trial run will actually be a net positive change, Ill keep going with it, doing a ninety day challenge with perhaps some revisions. The goal here is to try to set those changes as a habit in my life. Rolling back a bit, I find that Im more successful with this kind of change if Im already strongly interested in the type of change that the book is targeting before I ever start reading it. If its not a change thats compelling to you, its probably not worth your time to read a book on any self-improvement topic. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-child-rearing-costs-laundry-services-unused-media-aldi-and-more/