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otakubimbo · 7 months

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YOU ARE MY SUN

Pairing: Dazai Osamu x f!Reader Warnings: Self Harm, Talks of Violence. Suggestive but no actual depiction. Talk of Death

After a long mission for the Armed Detective Agency, you come back and are questioning what kind of person you are. As a former member of the port mafia, the things you have done are unspeakable but are you able to change? Your former partner in crime seems to be having an easier time changing than you, why is that?

Sticky Note: this is my first BSD fic, so i hope yall like it.

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The Armed Detective Agency was your last stop after completing your mission. It took longer than expected with you being your biggest setback. You never thought that being on the side of the righteous would be harder than your previous lifestyle. Sometimes, you didn’t even know if you were capable of being good, everything you did was mainly a façade of the person you wished you could be. Only one person ever believed in your ability to be a good person, but that person was long and gone. That’s why you were here now, riding up on this elevator to deliver your completed report of your mission trying to be the better person he wanted you to be.

“Honey, I’m home.” You boast, your practiced smile plastered on your face a bit strained. Before you could even make another poor joke, Kunikida started yelling at you. The vein in his head already exceeding a point that you knew was painful, his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose.

His rant begins, “Where have you been Kai?!” questioning about your whereabouts. The mission that you were on was a dangerous one, which is really the only mission that you go on but hadn’t been heard from in a month, all communication went silent, and he just knew you were dead finally. Ranpo told him and everyone else that you were just fine. It’s not that he wanted you dead, it’s just that you were known for your recklessness and lived as if you could not die. But if you did die, maybe that would be enough to repent for your sins.

This was the usual speech that he gives, goes in one of your ears and out the other. It was a little more aggressive than usual which made your attention even more divided, especially since something caught your eye. There seemed to be a new agent, a white-haired kid, who looked a bit too innocent to be here.

“Who’s the kid?” You ask, cutting Kunikida off mid-sentence which made the vein in his head pulsate from your lack of attentiveness. He was trying to explain the importance of keeping up communication and keeping track of your whereabouts for safety reasons.

He groans, rubbing his hand on his face. Kunikida should have known that you weren’t really listening to him, what else should he expect?

“That’s Atsushi, Dazai recruited him.” He mumbles pushing his glasses up on his face, you truly exhausted the poor man. Between you and Dazai, you were sure you both took at minimum 10 years off his lifespan.

“Interesting,” you think shoving the completed reports at the man in front of you. Were you a pain in the ass? Yes, but you get the job done. “everything’s in there” you mention casually as you walk towards this Atsushi, you had to find out why Dazai recruited him, that wasn’t really his style.

“Hey kid” you call out to the white-haired boy; he looks up at you nervously. The kid knew that you were obviously part of the agency because you wouldn’t be here unless. There was also a photo of you and Dazai that Atsushi once spotted in Dazai’s otherwise empty wallet. It was a picture of Oda, you, Dazai, and reluctantly Ango that Dazai folded cutting off the other two men.

“Uhm hi. I’m Atsushi.” He says with a slight bow. Cute, how formal.

“Names Kai. I heard you were recruited by Dazai. Do you happen to know where he is right now?” You ask seemingly innocently.

“No, I haven’t seen him all day. He does have me doing his paperwork though.” Atsushi complains a bit, showing the papers to you. This information made you grin, if he was getting this kid to do his paperwork that meant he wasn’t coming around for a while. Now you had more than enough time to interrogate him, grabbing a chair and sliding it in front of his desk. You grab the paperwork from his hands, tossing it on your own desk.

“So, how did you get into the agency?” You ask in a sing-song voice, head tilting at him. Atsushi immediately got flustered and it was hilarious to you. He really didn’t look like the kind of kid that Dazai would have recruited, he seemed so sweet and a bit innocent.

“Stop messing with him, Kai” Kunikida scolds you while you roll your eyes at him turning back in response.

“Dang, I can’t get to know the kid? You make it seem like I’m as bad as Dazai.”

“Objectively, you’re worse.” He responds and you wince at his words dramatically.

“You wound me. You really do. Words hurt!” You say while grasping your chest in fake pain. He just scoffs and walks off. “Anyways,” your attention back to the kid in front of you. “Now go on, don’t leave out a single detail.” You command with a smile on your face.

Atsushi tells you everything that happened to him since meeting Dazai. As he spoke, you could tell why Dazai recruited him. The kid reminded you of someone you both used to love, it warmed you a bit. You could tell he had such a kind heart and had been through too much unlike his last protégé. Even though you knew Dazai for so long, longer than anyone else at the agency of course before he even had the idea to join back when he was a completely different person. So much has changed since then, honestly, those were simpler times back then, but all things change.

Just as Atsushi was finishing his tale, the devil himself walked in, Dazai.

“Oi, loser” You call out to him as he walks through the doorway. When his eyes land on you, they immediately turn into big saucers and the puppy dog face has been activated.

“Kai, you’re back and without telling me” He whines as he scuttles over to where you’re sitting. With a laugh, you stand up and push your pointer finger into his head.

“Yeah, my phone broke like ages ago BUT now I must make my leave.” You turn away from him to sit on the open windowsill. This just gets a pout from him; you knew he was just messing around. This was his outside personality, not the real him.

“Oh, and before I go,” You remark, pointing your head towards Atsushi, “Nice pick on the kid. I like him” and with that, you fall back out of the window, pulling a surprised exclaim from the white-haired boy in question as he rushed to the window just in time to see you land perfectly on the ground. You looked up to see his exasperated face which made you laugh, waving at him before leaving to go home.

“Isn’t she fun?’ Dazai asks, hands in his pockets.

“Why hasn’t anyone mentioned her before?” The boy questioned back, relieved that you were okay.

“She does a lot of outside missions, barely ever here. Just slipped my mind I guess.” He shrugged, now noticing the unfinished paperwork on his desk. He groaned, knowing that it was your doing that his work wasn’t finished for him.

“But you have a picture of the two of you in your wallet.”

“We used to work together before coming to the agency” The man replied casually, as if anyone but the two of you knew the type of work you did before here.

“Oh” was all that Atsushi responded with, he knew he wasn’t going to get a straight answer out of Dazai about where they used to work or about the two of y’all relationship.

The relationship the two of you had was complicated, to say the least. Back in the port mafia days, it was you and Oda, he was what you would consider the love of your life. He was the only person who you thought ever saw any good in you, considering your ability most people just saw you as a tool, a powerful tool. But when you were with Oda, he made you feel hope that you were more than that. Now that he was gone, you had to try to believe that in yourself. This was the same with Dazai, Oda saw what was good in him too even if he didn’t see it like he did.

After Oda’s death, you were a complete wreck, and it was no surprise that Dazai was the same. There were many nights that you both would drink together and wake up drunk. But that was no way to live, Oda didn’t want you two to live that way. That’s how both of you ended up at the agency, ended up getting closer and closer every day, holding on to the secrets and pain of the past.

In your apartment, you washed off the memories of your mission. The struggles you have been facing, swirling down the drain with the water. This mission wasn’t hard at all, skill-wise. The issue that you were experiencing was control, it felt like you were slipping. Things were getting so much harder for you, your instincts kicking in when they shoulder, the muscle memory fighting against what you aren’t anymore. It was making you sloppy, it was making you unsafe, there was too much going on through your mind to be as effective as you should be.

The shower did make you feel better, but you needed a drink and it needed to be strong. Dressed in a casual outfit, a tan tank top, black cargo pants, and the usual black trench coat that Dazai got you, off you went to your favorite hole in the wall.

“Kai” Your local bartender greets you by name since you are a regular. You raise your hand back in greeting, your usual happiness gone for your regular melancholy state. Luckily for you and as always, there wasn’t anyone in your favorite corner of the shabby spot, sinking right in the booth knowing your usual would be brought to you.

“Haven’t seen you in a while, Kai” The server comments, placing your drink in front of you a rum old fashion. Before answering, you grab your drink and down it even though it’s meant to be sipped.

“Yeah, been gone.” You huff placing the now empty glass down, you needed that.

“And stressed” She mentioned picking up your glass, “I’ll bring you another.”

You just hum in response, now being left alone with thoughts of the warm sensation of alcohol raising your body temperature slightly. As you wait for your next drink, your eyes close while you rest your head on the back of the booth. The weight of the world felt as if it was on your chest, crushing you from the thought of your past and present. Your hand moves reflexively to your wrist, snapping the band around it to give yourself some relief better than any other alternative. Maybe for once, you would take Dazai up on his other for a double suicide. What was the point anymore anyway? Before you could have another deprecating thought, a hand slides onto your wrist stopping the snapping. There was only one person it could be the man who had just crossed your mind.

“Yes, Dazai?” You ask not even bothering to open your eyes yet.

“If you wanted to harm yourself, we could always do a double suicide.” He suggests in the joking manner he always does, but this makes you open your eyes sitting up.

“Sure. Let's do it.” You say earnestly, looking him deep into his eyes and the look he gives you back almost makes you falter. The look was so soft, so sad, it was the same look Oda used to give you which almost brought tears to your eyes. Luckily, Dazai had brought your next with him when he came to sit, and you grabbed it averting your eyes and taking another chug ushering for another to be brought to you.

“Tell me how your mission went and then we will,” he says casually, taking a sip of his own drink. You go back to snapping the band around your wrist before you speak.

“It went fine” Another snap comes with that falsehood, and you knew he didn’t believe but usually he didn’t push. Today must have been different.

“And yet here you are, back to old habits after having no contact for almost a month.” He took another sip from his drink, sliding his other hand on your wrist to stop you. His touch was so gentle and calming, he had only been this way with you a few times, times like this one. You were silenced by his touch, waiting for your next drink to come before you spoke again. Luckily for you, this time you brought three drinks. The bar could tell this was going to be the kind of night, and you nodded gratefully as the server walked away.

“It’s just….” You speak softly, feeling his hands hold onto your wrist as if supporting you. You start on your first drink before you continue. “Do you ever think that maybe Oda was wrong? That I don’t have the capability of being a good person? “You finally look back at him, to see if you can read his gaze. His expression was unreadable to you, almost as if he was confused by your question. The masks you both usually wear fall at this moment, it’s as if only you two were there.

“Sometimes, it just feels like I’m going to slip back into staining my hands. It’s so hard Osamu, it’s hard.” You confess, using his given name that rarely comes out of your own mouth, and his hand slides from your wrist to set itself in your palm.

“I know”

“Do you? It feels like it’s coming so easy for you. You brought Atsushi on, you saved him.” You grip his hand as it is sitting on your palm.

“We repent in different ways. This is one of mine”

That relieved you in some way, there was sincerity in his eyes and words. He was doing things in his own way but that didn’t mean it was any easier for him. It almost brought a tear to your eye, maybe you weren’t a monster that couldn’t change.

“Maybe,” you remark, taking another sip of your drink, releasing your hand from his when you realize they are still entangled. This was one of those moments you and Dazai have been having more frequently. The touches came from often, the walls breaking down between the two of you, there was safety in each other.

“You know the wrong I’ve done but Oda believed in you just as much as he believed in me. That we could both be better people than we were. He loved you.”

“The silly man sure did.” You scoff looking down into your drink, a tear falling into the almost empty glass. You down the rest of it without a second thought, moving on to the next.

“Ya know, he used to say that I was the sun. All the good he was able to do was a reflection of me, even if he was in the port mafia. He said that I was so bright that there was a reason for him to be better, to be kind.” Your hands gripped the glass in front of you, tears threatening yet again to spill as your grip tightened on the glass. The glass shattered under the pressure of your grip, cutting deep into your hand.

“Fuck” the curse leaves your lips, not even pulling back from the shattered glass just turning your palms up. Your mind instinctively went to using your ability to stop time to clean up the mess so no one would notice but you feel Dazais hand around your wrist stopping you. He doesn’t say anything, just starts picking up the glass for you. No words were spoken between the two of you as he cleaned it up before grabbing your arm and taking you out of the bar. The silence lingered between the both of you as he walked you home, glass still in your palms burning from the intrusion and the alcohol but you enjoyed the pain better than feeling anything else.

Once at your apartment, Dazai doesn’t even let you attempt to fumble through your coat for your key, sliding his hand in the inner pocket to take the item out for himself and opening your door. He ushered you inside to your own place, placing you on your bed and making you sit down. There has yet to be a word spoken between the two of you as he gets the first aid kit that you keep in your bathroom out. His fingers work diligently, gently pulling the glass out of your hands making sure not to embed them any further into your skin. As he finishes wrapping your hand up, he takes them into his own looking up at you from his position on the floor.

“He was right you know” his voice barely above a whisper. You look at him confused about what he means. “You really are the sun.”

At that moment, you were now aware of the fact that Dazai still had your hands in his and you froze. A slightly shocked expression marks your face, but you stay silent because what are you supposed to say at this moment?

“You worry so much about trying to be a better person, bad people don’t worry about things like that.” A small smile threatens to appear on his lips as he speaks. “You’re not like me, no matter what I do, I will always be who I am.”

Your brow furrows, replacing his hold on your hands with yours on him, joining his position on the floor. “That’s not true and you know it. You’ve changed Osamu, you have. I see it in you every day. I see it in the way that you are so much gentler now. You care for people. You care for me.” The passion in your voice makes him more upset than it seems, which just confuses you even more.

“And there lies the problem. That’s what makes me a terrible man, a man who isn’t capable of change because I do care about you. What good person falls in love with their dead friend's girlfriend? I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling that and then the one person I fall for is you of all people.” He confesses, scoffing inwardly. You were completely taken aback by his sudden words, but you knew they were true. The two of you have gotten so close, leaning on each other, supporting each other, caring for each other. There was no denying that you also were slowly thawing to his warmth, the drunken nights turning into mornings waking up to him, the worry for his safety while you were away, you had gotten so used to it being the two of you. It was you and him; him and you. Without even thinking, you grab his face making it face you.

“I will always love Oda, I will. But….” You hesitate but the looks in his eyes, the real look in his eyes gives you a bit of confidence, he was here with you not far off in his own mind. “But I love you Osamu Dazai, I do. You are also my sun; I want to be better for him and for you.”

For the first time ever, you have surprised him. He was surprised by your confession just as much as you were surprised by him. Now to surprise him even more, you smash your lips onto his, not releasing his face from your hands. The shock of you kissing him, quickly went away as his arms forcefully wrap around your back pulling you closer to him.

You were the first one to pull away, looking at his face with watery eyes.

“Make me yours Osamu.”

And make you his, he did. Several times.

The next morning, the two of you walked into the agency together which wasn’t an unusual occurrence but once Ranpo saw the two of you, he smirked.

“Ugh FINALLY” The man exclaims throwing his hands in the air. “You owe me Kunikida” Ranpo says pointing his lollipop at him. Kunikida looks up at Ranpo and then at you and Dazai coming in together.

“No way! How do you even know?!? They literally just walked in like they normally do.” Kunikida yells back.

“What is going on?” You ask, arms crossed because of course these idiots were up to something.

“I bet that you two would get together before the end of the year, but Kunikida said Dazai was too dumb to make it happen.”

You almost start snort laughing at how hilarious that was trying to hold it back, especially the shocked and offended look on Dazais face.

“Kunikida, I’m hurt. Truly I am! Do you think I’m unlovable?!” Dazai whines at the blonde.

“Absolutely I do,” Kunikida replies matter-of-factly. You couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“You are very lovable Osamu.” You giggle before placing a kiss on his nose. An innocent contrast to the debauchery of last night.

“Confirmed. Pay up.” Ranpo hand is held out to Kunikida who begrudgingly pays up. It was a lot of money, which meant he had 0 faith in your coupling. The bickering about the exchange starts up again between Dazai and Kunikida at the amount of money. You smile to yourself, enjoying the scene as you sit at your desk. Maybe you could have some of this happiness and be the sun.

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