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jodithann827 · 1 year

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Wine and Cheese 1/1

Rated Teen / Story on AO3 / @today-in-fic

Summary: For Characteristically_Exuberant.

This story is for Characteristically Exuberant as a part of the One In Five Billion Exchange. I was ecstatic to get this prompt because Detrour happens to be my favorite episode of the series. It's the first episode of the X-FIles I ever watched (back when it first aired) and I was hooked instantly. I hope I did your prompt justice!

As always, I couldn't have gotten this story done without the fabulous beta from SisterSpooky1013.

Prompt:

Detour-based ep. Either an AU where Mulder stays for Scully's impromptu wine and cheese par-tay (what could happen?) OR a post-ep scene where they address the fact that Scully brought alcohol to his bedroom and he ditched her! Perhaps they have another attempt at the wine and cheese and... whatever.

*****

“Since we won’t be making it to the conference,” she says, holding up a small tray with several different types of cheese and two mini bottles of alcohol.

“Partaaay,” he responds with a smile, turning and giving her his full attention.

“However, I must remind you this goes against the Bureau’s policy of male and female agents consorting in the same motel room while on assignment,” she continues, moving further into the room. She opens one of the bottles, unscrewing the cap quickly.

“Try any of that tailhook crap on me, Scully, I’ll kick your ass. Pop quiz…”

“Miss, would you like a drink?” Scully wakes with a jolt, looking up to see a friendly-faced flight attendant offering her several different beverage choices. Dazed, she shakes her head, allowing the hostess to move along.

Scully pauses to take in her surroundings. She wiggles a bit, feeling the rough plastic beneath her, as she’s seated in the middle seat of a Boeing 747. An older woman knitting away is to her left in the window seat, and to her right, where Mulder should be, he is nowhere to be found. She gently rubs the sleep from her eyes, exhaustion finally taking over after the harrowing events of the past few days in a secluded forest in Florida.

“He went to the bathroom about a minute before you woke up,” she hears. Looking across the row, she sees Agent Stonecypher. The agents boarded a plane a few hours ago, bound for DC.

“Thanks,” Scully acknowledges, sitting up straighter in her seat.

“You must be exhausted,” Stonecypher comments. Scully, not one for idle chit-chat, but also not having the energy to put a stop to the conversation, nods her head.“That was so brave of you,” Stonecypher continues while Scully fights the urge to roll her eyes. “Staying up all night, keeping watch over Agent Mulder. And to think, Mike and I were in the middle of creating the scavenger hunt for our team at the conference while you both were fighting for your lives.” Scully nods again, still in a fog, and unsure about using her voice. Thankfully, at the same moment, she sees her partner walking back toward their seats.

“Did I miss anything?” Mulder asks once he is settled back in his seat, blocking her view of the kind yet clueless agent.

Shaking her head she tells him, “Not really.”

“We should be landing soon,” he informs her. “I spoke with Skinner before we boarded. He gave us a directive to go straight home and not come in for a few days—especially you.” Scully rolls her eyes. Mulder continues, “What? I think all he meant was that you’re still getting back into the swing of work after your remission. I think he just wants you to take it easy.”

“Yet you’re the one with the injury,” she glances towards his shoulder. “I’m not arguing, trust me. I won’t turn down a few days off work,” she says. Mulder immediately places a hand on her forehead, which in turn makes Scully break into a grin. “Will you stop?” she playfully chastises.

“You were mumbling in your sleep,” he tells her.

“Hmm?”

“Before I left for the bathroom, you were mumbling in your sleep,” he repeats.

“Oh. I uh, I don’t remember,” she feigns disinterest, and gratefully he changes the subject.

“Do you want to go back to sleep for a bit before we land? My shoulder is yours to sleep on, even with the drool,” he teases while her hand automatically goes to the corner of her mouth.

She quickly shakes her head while turning slightly away from him, wanting to gather her thoughts.

I went to Mulder’s room with wine and cheese. I initiated an interaction with my platonic partner with the gesture of more, and he didn’t pick up on it. What was I thinking? What was my intention? What did I think would happen, or want to happen? Maybe his lack of response is the best outcome?

Since her cancer went into remission, Scully has begun looking at life through a different lens. Yes, she often challenges Mulder on their day-to-day work, sometimes complaining, rationally, about wanting to get a life, about being at a standstill. However, after her cancer, some other thoughts and feelings occupy her mind; many of those thoughts involving her partner and best friend. He has been amazing to her, more so than in the early days of their partnership. He seems to be more attentive, since the cancer. Offering to take her to doctor's appointments, making her leave the office when he knew she’d done too much, holding her hair back when she was sick from the medication, just thinking of a few. He’s always been supportive and kind, but his character during this time has been just different. As much as she hated depending on anyone, especially him, she came to rely on him in the same way she relies on air. Once she got over her own self-doubt and insecurities, once she finally let him in, she drew the only logical conclusion; he was her strength, her stay in the darkness. She knew no other man would ever take the place he inhabited in her heart. Somewhere along the way, she fell hopelessly in love with Fox Mulder.

Maybe I need to forget it happened, she thinks with a cloud of sadness washing over her. Is that even a possibility? Can I forget how much he means to me? Can I go back to thinking about pre-cancer Mulder?

Scully is so lost in her thoughts she neglects to hear the captain announce their descent. She feels Mulder’s hand brush hers. Damn him for knowing me so well , she thinks. Knowing her disdain for flying, Mulder always makes it a point to hold her hand, if possible, during take-off and landing. He’s been doing it from almost day one. Damn the feelings he evokes in her and damn her physical reaction. She never used to get goosebumps when he clasped her fingers. Her heart never used to thump in her chest, and she definitely never thought about more of him from just a simple gesture.

All this because of some stupid wine and cheese that we didn’t get to enjoy because of Mulder’s one-track mind. Teambuilding and communication seminars can suck it, she thinks to herself as the plane descends, all the while Mulder holds on tightly.

Crap .

***********

It was too much for her, he admonishes himself as he sits on his couch. It’s quiet in the apartment. No TV or radio for background noise. Mulder sits with the gentle sound of his fish tank and his inner thoughts. He thinks about the case they just wrapped. On one hand, it was amazing, albeit terrifying, but on the other, spending the day and night traipsing around the forest chasing an invisible and unknown assailant was not how he pictured spending his time the last few days. That was the last thing Scully needed after returning to work after her remission. What would have happened if they hadn’t been rescued? What if they had been attacked, worse than the fate he suffered? She’d only been back to work, field work at least, for two weeks before Skinner had suggested the conference. Something easy, Skinner told him, so she can ease back into work.

Mulder shakes his head as he leans back against his couch. He sighs deeply and closes his eyes. He’s picturing the woods, the darkness, and Scully. Sweet Scully. His Scully, who stayed awake all night in order to protect him. His Scully, who tried to start a fire to keep them warm. His Scully, who sang to him upon request and made an off-handed joke about sleeping bags. Mulder replays the scene over and over in his head.

“Mulder, you need to keep warm, your body’s still in shock,” she tells him.

“I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat is to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with someone else who’s already naked,” he retorts back.

“Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags, you’ll get lucky,” she responds without missing a beat.

Scully doesn’t make jokes like that. That’s usually his territory, tossing innuendos out for Scully. She would typically respond by rolling her eyes, playfully punching him on the shoulder, or ignoring the innuendo altogether. She’s been different recently, since the diagnosis and the remission. She’s more playful, more open, for Scully anyway. She’s making sex jokes with him for crying out loud.

Mulder runs his hand over his face, unsure what to do with this newfound knowledge. She’s his best friend, his partner, and the only person in the world he knows without a doubt he can count on, Lone Gunmen aside. She is his equal, the yin to his yang, the person who keeps him in line, even when he wants to stray ever so slightly, or in giant leaps like he sometimes does. Just a few short weeks ago he thought he was going to lose her for good, he thought the bad guys had finally won, he thought he was saying goodbye. He hadn’t given much thought to his life as she lay in bed, dying from an illness that could have been prevented, he just knew he couldn’t go on, and without her, well…he couldn’t even go there.

It was somewhere between her words, Mulder, I have cancer , and, Mulder I’m in remission , that he realized he was completely, utterly, and wholly in love with his partner. Suddenly her voice became sweeter, her skin, at least the skin he was allowed to touch, became softer, and her lips fuller. When the hell did I start daydreaming about Scully’s lips? He shakes his head and realizes that it’s not about the fact that he started thinking about Scully’s lips, it’s about the fact that he can’t seem to stop.

“What can I do about it?” he asks aloud to the empty apartment. He turns to his fish tank to continue his one-sided conversation. “She’s in a different league than me. Hell, she’s on a different planet.” Noncommittally, his fish continue swimming. He closes his eyes and continues to think about their time in Florida.

Scully wouldn’t sing for just anybody , he thinks, then rationalizes, she was doing it to keep herself awake. He pictures Scully before he was attacked, following him on blind faith, all because he had a theory. He envisions her making that last phone call before Michelle told them to put away their phones. He sees Scully in the Asekoff house, ribbing him about the invisible man versus glowing red eyes. He recognizes Scully following him to the Asekoff house the evening before, based on yet another one of his hunches that something was amiss. He thinks about him leaving her in his hotel room. She’d been bantering with him about consorting in motel rooms, and something about wine and cheese. Cheese… wine… Scully came to his room with wine and cheese, saying something about because they were going to miss the conference. Wine. Cheese. Wine. Wine. Seduction. Cheese. Seduction.

Mulder bolts upright to a standing position in the middle of his living room, his mind suddenly clear.

“Oh, Crap,” he says to the fish.

*****

She’s slightly surprised to hear his knock, given the time of night, combined with the fact that he should be home resting his shoulder. There’s no doubt in her mind that it’s him. Three short raps on the door. She had been turning off the lights and was going to make her way to bed when she heard him. Pulling her robe tighter, she heads for the door, opens it, and without saying a word, moves back to allow him entrance.

“Everything okay, Mulder?” she asks, following him over to the couch. They sit side by side, staring straight ahead.

“What? Yeah, yeah it’s fine,” he brushes her question off. They sit in silence for a bit. It’s not strange or awkward. There’s a comfort there.

“I was contemplating the case,” he tells her, finally, turning slightly to face her.

“What about it?” she asks, curious.

Mulder hesitates, wondering how much to say, question, and reveal. “I was playing the different scenarios over in my head. The forest, the rescue. But also the events leading up to it.”

“The Asekoff’s house?” Scully offers up. Mulder nods. There’s more silence, this time with a slightly awkward haze.

“I was thinking about the other night when I was on the computer, researching different animal species,” he broaches.

“The night I brought wine and cheese to your room?” she says, matter-of-factly. Leave it to Scully to shoot straight and tell it like it is.

“Yeah, that,” is all Mulder can manage. They sit in more silence for a minute or two, each gathering thoughts.

“What was–” He starts while she simultaneously says, “I can’t belie–”. They both pause and chuckle, drifting into silence again.

“Tell me,” Mulder encourages. She blushes, looking down at her hands in her lap, taking a deep breath, and focusing on the exhale.

“I told you in the woods that when I was fighting my cancer, I was angry at the injustice and the meaninglessness of it. I guess I had to make peace with all of the things I knew I wouldn’t be able to do. Sometimes simple things like never getting to walk on the beach again, or seeing a sunrise or sunset. I had to come to terms with saying goodbye to my family; the knowledge that my mother was losing another daughter and that I’d never see my nieces and nephews grow up. I had to come to terms with leaving you.” With this statement she looks up from her hands, searching out Mulder’s eyes.

“The thought of leaving you, leaving our quest, and knowing what you would or wouldn’t do in my absence…it scared me, Mulder. But then you were there and whether it was my prayers or the chip, somehow I was given a second lease on life. I guess at that moment I vowed to seize the day.”

Mulder enthusiastically nods his head, giving Scully, and her words, his full attention. He cautiously leans into her space a bit wanting to convey so much but also terrified of interrupting her, of scaring her off. He senses that she’s about to reveal something monumental.

“I was excited to be back at work,” she continues, “even though it was only supposed to be a conference. I was ready to be on the road, ready to use my brain again. I decided to stop living in fear or what-ifs and start living my life. I guess when I brought the wine and cheese to your room I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to celebrate life, work, friendship, us…” she trails off.

“You wanted to celebrate us,” Mulder parrots, connecting the dots.

Without a split second of hesitation, and only a fraction of a thought that he might regret it later, he leans toward Scully, giving her a moment to pull away if she wants, then takes her face in his hands and kisses her fully on her lips. She stiffens, only for a moment, before relaxing into the kiss. He swipes his thumb gently over her cheek. She pulls back slightly, and though it’s the last thing Mulder wants to do, he releases her mouth.

“There’s a lot to celebrate,” he tells her, moving an errant strand of hair behind her ear. I wasn’t reading between the lines.” Red hues rise quickly up her neck and into her cheeks. He takes her hand in his and kisses her knuckles, holding her hand tight.

“Apparently I wasn’t so great at trying to tell you,” she huffs.

“No, Scully, I was just too stuck in my own head to pick up on it,” he tells her, giving her hand a squeeze. “Come on, Scully, you know me. I’m singularly focused.” He wags his eyebrows, which earns him a laugh. “I ditched you and I’m sorry. Believe me, you don’t know how sorry, now that I think about it. If we’re playing the honesty card, I have to say that I was so afraid of losing you. I’ve known for a long time how much I care about you, but as you said, it really came to a head when you were fighting your cancer.”

Scully scoots closer and Mulder lifts his arm, draping it across her shoulder as she leans into his side. “Mulder?” she asks, looking up at him. She doesn’t finish the question because, as usual, he knows her so well, words truly aren’t needed.

Mulder leans his head down and captures her lips again. This time there is no hesitation. She opens her mouth to him, as though she’s also opening her soul. Their tongues mingle, slowly at first, in the same way friends meet for the first time. He holds a firm hand to the back of her head, pulling her into the kiss. She sighs, content, leaning further into his welcoming warmth. Mulder pulls back slightly to assess the situation. He observes her breathing has quickened and when she opens her eyes to him, though still blue, they are now filled with arousal.

Scully nuzzles into Mulder’s neck and whispers, “Take me to bed, Mulder,” so softly, he isn’t sure he heard her correctly. Raising his eyebrows in question, she continues, “We’ve waited long enough. We don’t know how many more tomorrows we have, so let's make tonight count.”

He stands, pulling her with him, hand tightly gripped with hers, and leads her toward her bedroom. Once inside, fretted with nerves, he stands in the doorway, a sheepish smile adorning his face.

I could not love him any more , Scully thinks to herself. Gently pulling him from the door frame, she directs him to the foot of her bed. She reaches to pull his mouth to hers but instead hears, “Scully, I haven’t done this in a really long time. I want it to be special, but I don’t know–” She cuts him off with a kiss, murmuring, “Mulder, it’s you and me. It was always going to be special.”

After that, there’s no more talking. There’s kissing and touching. Sighs (Mulder) and purrs (Scully). There’s playful laughing, a bit of moaning, and one or two shrieks. Mulder uses his fingers to play Scully like a stringed instrument, and she uses her lips to pepper him with kisses, trying to convey the love she feels in her heart.

It’s magical and wonderful, of course, neither expected anything different when imagining the possibility of their first time. Mulder, for all of his disappearing act faults, is attentive and attuned to her body, though Scully never suspected he’d be any different in bed. And Scully, with her new lease on life, is carefree and able to let go of control.

After, they snuggle in close in a cocoon of Scully’s sheets and fall asleep peacefully, each thinking about the road that led them to this moment.

****

She hears cars honking and loud chatter coming from the direction of her window. Opening one of her closed eyes, she looks at the clock, which shows it’s after ten in the morning. She hadn’t had that great night’s sleep in who knows how long. She stretches, cat-like, for a moment, before realizing her companion is not where she left him last night. Sitting up, she strains her neck to look toward the bathroom. Knowing that he wouldn’t leave her, she lays back on the pillow, taking in all that had happened the previous evening.

She seduced her partner. Or her partner seduced her. Or they seduced each other. In any case, she’s giddy it finally happened. It had been magical and wonderful, and everything Scully ever thought of when picturing her and Mulder’s eventual physical relationship. Sweet and slow and powerful, two forces of nature coming together, daring to be reckoned with. And she can’t wait to do it again.

When she hears the front door open and then promptly shut, she knows Mulder went out this morning, though for what, she could only guess. She sinks further down into the bed, readying herself for his return.

“Scully,” he calls through the half-closed door. When he pushes it open, she takes in the sight. Mulder is standing on the threshold of her sanctuary, and in his hand sits a tray of wine and cheese. She grins ear to ear as he enters and shuts the door behind him.

#dana scully #fox mulder #the x files fanfic #1 in 5 billion #msr #post detour

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yourmidnightlover · 3 years

Text

never go back

Summary: spencer notices how your boyfriend takes advantage of you and finally does something about it.

TW: titty sucking, oral (female receiving), cheating, dom!spencer, scratching, slapping (only one), cursing, choking, spencer dirty talk lol, penetrative sex, creampie. *let me know if i missed anything*

WC: 3,724

A/N - i'm using noah as the 'other man' schtick in probably all of my future one shots bc i can't find it within myself to create a new character each and every time. so your douche of a bf will always be noah miller. if you ever get a nice bf i'll be sure to change his name but for now this is what we're working with. got it? got it.

masterlist

-------------------------------

there are many things that people should go back to. schooling, maybe an old job, an old vacation spot.

your boyfriend was not one of those things.

mostly because your boyfriend sucked.

it was now a fact that spencer reid himself had come to believe quite a while ago and now, well now he had reason.

he had always felt as though you were too good for noah, similar for practically anyone in existence (himself included). he was always a complete ass to you no matter the circumstance.

there was one time the entire team had been back really late from a case that took a toll on all of you. it was emotionally and physically draining. the flight back had been delayed because of weather issues in the state you had been in, meaning you couldn't leave until days after it was solved.

any time you had gone to answer the phone, spencer would be able to see your stance and body language through the glass window. you had been apologizing for something you couldn't even control. you would narrow your brows the way you only did when you were being yelled at. you bit your lip the way you did when you were being made to feel guilty.

he was guilt tripping you for something you couldn't even control.

when you had gotten back it wasn't any better. noah had been giving you the cold shoulder. he was defensive when you asked what was wrong.

and that was only 3 weeks into the relationship.

after being together for 2 months, you had gotten flowers delivered on your desk. you assumed they were from your boyfriend, reasonably so, and went to go thank him. spencer saw the shock in your eyes when you saw your boyfriend huddled in the corner with some new intern. spencer saw the look in your eye change from sadness to anger in the blink of his own.

you took a deep breath, and walked away from the situation, completely missing the way he tucked the intern's hair behind her ear as he leaned in to whisper something to make her giggle. when you got back to your desk you threw the flowers in the garbage can, not even bothering to read the note.

it was pretty indirect, but looking into it he realized it was an issue that should've been addressed. every time the team would go out together, everyone was clearly invited. you would always decline because 'noah wanted to take me out tonight' or 'noah said he needs me, so i'll have to rain check'.

it wasn't because you were a bad person, the opposite actually. it was because noah was taking advantage of your kindness.

because any time you needed him, 'noah's out with the boys' or 'noah had to work late' or, here's a kicker, 'noah had a hard time at work'. as if you don't have a hard time looking at dead bodies while he just has to write up reports.

even when you got injured during a case, shot in the shoulder, noah seemed as though he couldn't have cared less. he wouldn't even go to your apartment to visit you while you were in recovery because 'noah didn't have time to visit'.

spencer could even recall when you went out with the girls one night, spencer being the designated driver, that you had told them how 'noah didn't want you to dress too provocatively so you had to wear something more modest'.

now, spencer doesn't care all to much about what you wear because, frankly, it's none of his business. but now that he heard how noah cared oh-so-much, he decided to wrack his brain for the 'provocative' outfits you've worn. there was not a single one that anyone should make a comment about. you looked stunning no matter what you wore, so you'd grab any man's attention no matter the clothing on your body.

but spencer? he made sure to never be that much of an asshole to you. he made sure to make up for him being an asshole.

he would grab you some morning coffee like you always had before you had a boyfriend. he would make sure to tell you that you looked lovely when you were able to go out with the team. he would visit you when you injured yourself and were lonely, he even stayed back for a few days with you to help you get through it.

hell, he was the one to get you the flowers. you had been having a rough week and spencer thought it might cheer you up. he had gifted you a bouquet of 12, blue chiffon flowers because those were your favorite.

but this was his breaking point. you had come to his apartment, once again in the middle of the night, talking about noah fucking miller cheating on you.

he had done it once before when he was 'out with the boys' you decided to stop by when he said he'd be back, wanting to just be the amazing girlfriend that you are. so when you walk in and hear your boyfriend moaning along with another woman that isn't you, you immediately run back out. you run back out and drive all the way to spencer's.

and here you are again. spencer wasn't mad at you, it was noah he was mad at. he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

spencer had always liked you, no, he's always loved you. everything about you. how could he not? you're perfect.

but loving you how he does and seeing you being used as a toy to fuck for a certain noah miller not only made his heart ache but also made his blood boil.

spencer wasn't an idiot. he had heard the way the old morgan had referred to women. the thing is, noah is way more of a fuckboy than the old morgan ever was. and that scared spencer to pieces. he knew that you would only be missing out on team outings just to get fucked by a douchebag. he knew that the only reason said douchebag wouldn't visit you was because you couldn't fuck. he knew that the reason said douchebag was cornering that intern was to fuck her, too.

so when you arrived at spencer's place, this time you weren't crying. you were furious. you were angry and upset, as was spencer.

"he did it again, spence," you breathed out as you paced across his living room floor. "i was supposed to meet him in a few hours but i was going to surprise him and i caught him with another tramp! i didn't even confront him. i just- i just left!"

"cheated? noah?" he asked as if he didn't believe it at first, not wanting to seem like as much of a dick as noah.

"yes! cheated. god! i am so ANGRY!" you ran your hand through your hair, a grunt leaving your mouth. "and... and frustrated! and... UGH!" you sighed aggressively.

"and what?" spencer asked as he stood up, slowly making his way to you. "what else?" he said, his hand now brushing that stubborn strand of hair behind your ear.

"i-i'm..." you trailed off, getting lost in his beautiful eyes.

if you were honest with yourself, you'd admit how much you loved spencer. but you thought he'd never love you like that. not since you helped him through jj getting married. he really thought she was it for him, at least that's what you'd come to think he believed. over the years you had grown so much closer and grown such an attraction for each other that the other person knew about. it was ironic, truly.

"say it, y/n," spencer leaned over you, his lips ghosting over yours. "i need to hear you say it."

"god, just kiss me," you said, your hands flying to the back of his hair to push his mouth to yours.

there was no hesitation from spencer to give you everything he had. his hand on the side of your face remained there as his other hand drifted to your waist to pull you closer to his body. your tongues met fervently with covetous, passion, and longing yet with just gentle firmness that felt protecting and as if it was how everything was supposed to be.

"please, spencer," you quietly whispered once you unlatched from one another.

"please what, princess," he asked, his hand running through your hair.

"i just... i need you," she pleaded with him, her hands still tugging gently on his hair. "please," you put your foreheads together, breathing in each others air as you silently begged him to help you in any way that he could.

"i'd do anything for you," he whispered so delicately as if the entire team were standing right beside you. "you know i'd do anything for you."

"then do something," you demanded.

spencer took action by kissing you just as intensely as before, this time his hands went to your ass. he grabbed your thighs to signal for you to jump, once you did you wrapped your legs around his torso as he carried you into his bedroom. he set you down just in front of the bed before you began to undo his shirt, him returning the favor by undoing yours.

"god, i've wanted you for so long," he growled, nipping gently at your earlobe as he laid you back on the bed. "lift your hips," he ordered, you obeyed his every command. you always would. "good girl," he praised as he ran his hands down your now bare waist.

"please," you begged, your hips bucking up to get any source of friction. "spencer..." you trailed off.

"i know, princess. i know," he said before climbing on top of you, connecting your lips with his once again, this time much more eager than before if that were possible.

as you arched your back, he took the opportunity to unclasp the hook on your bra. you shrugged it off your shoulders to allow him to throw the bra somewhere else in his room. he finally took a breath, removing his lips from yours to admire the view in front of him.

"god, you're so beautiful," he growled before placing gentle but eager kisses along the tops of your breasts, massaging the one his mouth wasn't on.

he pressed his knee between your legs, allowing you to buck your hips up to get that release you wanted so bad. you whined as he took your nipple in his mouth, his tongue flicking past it rapidly as he occasionally nibbled on it gently.

"spen-spencer," you ran your hands through his hair, tugging gently on the roots.

"mmm," he sat his head up, trailed kisses up your throat. "god, i love you so much."

"i-i love you," you moaned, pulling his head up to connect your lips together. "i love you so so much."

"i'm so glad to hear that," he huffed a sigh of relief. "because otherwise it'd be awkward when i did this," he began trailing kisses down your body, leading down towards your center. "i'll show you what it's like to be with a man that actually loves and respects you, yea? show you what it feels like to actually be pleased by a man? what it's like to be with a real man?" he teased.

his fingers trailed around your entrance, gathering your arousal that'd been building for what felt like ages. he pressed gentle kisses around your pussy before finally connecting his lips with your clit, a low groan emitting from your body because of the contact.

"yes, please," you shot your head back, relishing in the feeling of the direct skin contact.

"hey," spencer slapped your thigh, your head shot back up to see him between your legs, a truly beautiful sight that you'd never get tired of. "eyes on me," he demanded before going back down on you, not breaking eye contact as he brought out sounds from you that you weren't even sure you could make. "talk to me, princess. let me know how it feels."

"fe-feels so good," you sighed, taking your breasts in your hands and massaging them. "i-i can-can't even think," you stuttered out, too caught up in the pleasure to form a coherent sentence.

you had felt so good as he sucked on your clit, succeeding in bringing you closer to the edge than noah ever has, but when he inserted two fingers into your entrance...

"oh my fuck!" your hands shot down to grab onto his locks, pushing him further into your body, a low groan leaving him.

his fingers didn't stop their work. he curled them at just the right spot, sending you flying over the edge. spencer used his free hand to grab onto your thigh to keep them from closing in completely on his head, still working you through your high. he placed a kiss on your clit once more before he brought his head up to you, connecting your lips passionately.

"could noah ever make you come like that? huh? could he make you feel so good you could barely even think?" he grabbed your chin in his hands, holding it in place to look at him as you shook your head the best you could. "no?"

"mm-mm," you tried to shake your head 'no' once more.

"did you think of him while i was going down on you? were you thinking about how he fucked that little tramp?" he asked harshly, you shook your head 'no' again. "oh, what were you thinking, princess?" he finally released your face so you could speak.

"ab-about how well you know my body. about how, how good you looked between my legs. about how much i love you," you replied quickly, knowing exactly what to say.

"right answer," he connected your lips once more. "what do you want, love?" he asked, peppering soft kisses along your jaw where his hands once held your throat firmly.

"you. i-i want you in-inside me," you swallowed, your hand finding his and pulling it up to your lips to press a kiss to it, then another, then another, then another. "please, doctor?" you used your best puppy dog eyes you knew he couldn't resist.

"god, call me that again," he rasped lowly.

"what... doctor?" you took his hand and started sucking on his fingers, letting them slip in and out slowly and then moving onto the next.

"fuck, yes," he growled as he pressed another kiss to your lips before lining himself up at your center. "are you sure, princess?" he traced your jaw with the fingers you were previously sucking on.

"yes, sir," you nodded. "i'm sure."

you felt him slowly push inside of you slowly to allow you to adjust to his size. you had your suspicions of how big he was, but feeling him inside of you made it all much more real.

"fuck, you're so tight," he moaned into your ear quietly as he slowly pulled back out, going in just as slow.

"sp-spence-"

"wrong," he slapped your face gently, a whimper leaving your lips before he grasped your face to make you look him in the eyes.

"doc-doctor," you corrected yourself.

"good girl," he said, feeling your pussy clench from the praise. "oh you like that?" he felt it again. "maybe you just like hearing me talk, yea?" his pace began picking up slowly. "you like hearing how this pussy makes me feel? how tight... and warm... and wet it is?"

"u--uh huh," you nodded your head the best you could as he began thrusting much more rapid, hitting that special spot inside of you with each movement.

"it seems like you haven't felt this good in a long time huh? haven't had your pussy pounded like this in a while?" he asked as he was catching his breath.

"ne-never, doctor," you confirmed, hands reaching around his back and dragging your nails down, surely leaving scratch marks all down them.

"fuck," he growled. "noah never made you feel this good princess? never made you forget how to speak in sentences? never knew how to get you going like this?"

"n-no, no! never! god, never!" you cried as you pulled his body even closer to you. "i-i'm close, please!"

"you wanna come all over my dick, yea? you want to show me how much your pussy loves it when a real man fucks it?"

that was it to let that spring burst inside of you, parts flying everywhere. you cried his name as he worked you through your orgasm, holding onto his shoulders and hair to keep you grounded.

"cum inside me, please," you begged. "fi-fill me up."

"fuck, whatever you want, princess," he kept pounding into you at a rapid pace. "god, i'm gonna come inside you, and send you back to that scumbag of a boyfriend so he can see that you're mine now. so he can see what happens when his girlfriend is mistreated and fucked by someone who knows what they're doing, yea?"

"yea, yea!" you whined, nails digging back into his skin as he released his load into you, thrusting it gently back inside after.

"god, i love you so much," he moaned into your ear, pressing a kiss to your cheek by your ear.

"i love you," you replied, stroking his hair to help him come down, him still inside of you. he began thrusting inside of you once again.

"don't want any of it to spill out before you get to him," he felt you clench around him one more time. "you're very responsive, princess. i like that about you."

"it-it's just you, spence. it's always been you," you pulled him in for another kiss.

this one was full of passion but not the kind of eagerness. it was full of desire and longing, pent up emotions flowing out into one another fluidly.

"now let me go see my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend," you huffed as he pulled out of you, wincing from the overstimulation. "i'll see you later?"

"i'll see you later," he pressed a kiss to your forehead before helping you gather your clothes.

driving back to his apartment, you felt rather giddy with yourself. should you have felt bad? absolutely not. he's a manipulative asshole who's used you for sex on numerous occasions, so he deserved the bittersweet irony of what was coming to him.

*get it, coming to him? lol i'm sorry i had to :)*

you knocked on the door softly, greeted by a rather chipper noah who grabbed your face as soon as he saw you, connecting your lips. his kiss was nothing like spencer's. his lips weren't as soft and tentative. they weren't plump and round, they were harsh and rough and unpleasant.

he quickly led you to the bedroom, not to your surprise. he sat down on the bed, you straddled his hips, acting as if it were spencer instead - which was pretty hard to do after knowing what he was like in the sack.

you felt his boner through his pants quickly after you got on top of him. then when he flipped you over and pulled your pants and underwear down, he was met with a surprise.

"someone's excited to see me," he chuckled before licking a thick stripe from your slit to clit, very aggressive to where it almost hurt to have the pressure. "god you taste so good, doll."

he continued at this for a while, inserting his tongue to your hole very once in a while and licking up yours and spencer's arousal with it. you faked your moans and whimpers as his ministrations became more eager, not really getting you anywhere.

after he was finished with your turn - no, he didn't even make you cum - he laid back on the bed as if he were waiting for you to get on top of him again.

"actually," you stood up from the bed, pulling up your clothes with you. "i'm done with this. we're over."

you watched his face as he took in the information just released to him. it changed from surprised and shocked, to confused, to disgusted, to angry and frustrated.

"what the fuck?" he sat up from the bed, a disgruntled look on his face. "you wait until after you cum to tell me this?" he walked over to you, arms flailing in the air.

"yea. i did. and by the way, i didn't cum," you informed him. "that's something you've never really been good at making me do. although i'm not sure how you've been able to convince me to do anything with the way you treat me."

"what do you mean? i'm a good gu-"

"shut up for one second, please," you rolled your eyes, running your hand through your hair. "i know you've cheated on me numerable times. i stayed because i thought that maybe there was a reason, but i've come to realize that i was just... settling with you," you shrugged.

"you've treated me like crap since this 'relationship' started and i'm tired of it. i know someone who not only treats me with respect and kindness, but can also actually make me cum. shocker," you chuckled.

"who is this asshole? what the hell-"

"i wasn't finished, sweetie," you spat out viciously. "he's not an asshole. you're the asshole. you're the one that's getting dumped. so this is goodbye," you turned around to walk out of his room before leaving him with one more thought. "how did his cum taste with mine?" you tilted your head innocently, smiling at his shocked face as he realized what you meant before walking out.

and you were never more glad that you didn't have to go back to him anymore.

taglist:

@muffin-cup @greenprisca @averyhotchner

#dom!spencer #smut #spencer x you #spencer x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #cheating

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danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Rushingly Bittersweet, (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 1.

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: After the fall of Escobar everything starts happening way too fast for Javier; his raise, his new office, his new team, the Cali cartel's operation, the sudden arrival of a new agent that was transferred to his team for no apparent reason, the way he was falling in love with her almost unintentionally.

And he couldn't seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +2.1k

Series warnings: talks and mentions of misogyny and sexism, cursing, smoking, drinking, eventual sex, cartel shit, watch me make some shit up to fit reader inside the narrative, guns, dea shit, feels, javier actually being a little bit more introspective, just basically me inserting reader into the third season

Chapter warnings: depictions of misogyny and some cursing

A/N: This chapter is set in season three, episode one. // this has been simmering in the back of my head for way too long, i even made a post about it just trying to ease the weight of my thoughts but my mind keeps racing with more things about this exact story, so here goes nothing. THIS GOES ALONG THE CANON OF THE THIRD SEASON kinda (so yeah, spoilers if you haven’t watched it yet), i actually had to watch it to write this because in the end, you’re a fucking DEA agent baby (also please keep in mind that english is not my native language, im really trying for this to be GOOD)

Read on ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

// next→

You knew you chose a difficult job, hell, a difficult career, you knew you had to prove yourself, your worth and your abilities countless times, at this point it wasn’t even that much of a surprise anymore. Every time you encountered another man in the office or in the field, you had to spend an incredible amount of time first proving you were capable and you knew what you were doing before even getting to work.

Yet you got comfortable in your previous destination, you had a team, you had people to trust and trusted you back, they knew you were more than capable, you didn’t have to tell them to listen to you or your ideas, you didn’t have to ask for anyone’s approval. You were just another agent.

But now you had to do it all over again.

“Shit” you growled, trying to unwrinkle your blazer with one hand, the flight down to Colombia hadn’t been at all gentle to you and you were tired and cold. Your feet were sore, your back was killing you, you were fighting the desire to get rid of your suit skirt and run to put some pants on, everybody was lying when they said Colombia was a hot place, the air was chilly, and the dress suit you were wearing barely provided any meaningful heat, and the fact that nobody went to pick you up at the airport made you even more frustrated. You were still pulling around your suitcase because apparently the embassy is such a fucking mess that not even one person told you where you were going to live yet.

You showed your badge to the guards at the doors and they let you in without much of a look. You walked right through the lobby into the elevator, sighing in relief. Thanks America and its air conditioned buildings.

The elevator doors opened and you walked straight inside of the DEA offices, they were small, cramped and dark, great, just how you liked your work spaces.

“Hi” you said, approaching the small front desk, the receptionist looked up at you and smiled, it was the first smile you saw in a while and that made you feel a little less frustrated, you pulled out the badge again and showed it to her “can you please direct me to the office of Javier Peña?” you asked.

The girl tilted her head to the left in confusion.

“Are you agent Martin?” she said with her thick american accent, you put the badge again in the pocket of your dress pants and nodded to her.

“Yes, is he– is he expecting me?”

“Not really, but agent Feistl is,” she said, pointing to a cornered desk almost in the back where a blond man was sitting, he looked up at the sound of his name and you sighed again.

“Oh, yeah, I talked to him on the phone, thank you,” you said, smiling a bit back to her while you walked around the unoccupied desks in the front of the office “Feistl” you said his name once you reached his desk, stretching out your hand to shake his “agent Martín” you said “it’s nice to meet you” he looked at you, frowning, but took your hand nonetheless and shook it.

“Chris Feistl” he said, a little taken aback and another man approached both of you “this is my partner, Daniel Van Ness” the larger man gave you a single nod and you shook his hand again.

“You’re agent Martin?” Van Ness said.

Here we go again.

“My last name is Martín, first name Florencia” you said, accentuating the í in your last name, inhaling the tension around and making it your own, yet another time “I’m guessing you were expecting a man?” you dropped, they looked at each other “don’t worry, it happens everytime” you finished with a small grin.

They remained silent, looking at you, yet another time you let them, although for a single moment you actually wondered if there was something wrong with the way you looked; you gave a glance to yourself on the elevator walls on your way up and aside from your hair being close to look like a mess you were ok, you take another second to try to analyze the men in front of you, the way they were standing, the expression on their faces, they were shocked that was for sure, but also… relieved? and somehow… happy?.

“Is there anywhere I can put this?” you asked, glancing at the suitcase.

“You came here all the way from the airport?” Feistl asked, you nodded.

“Yeah, no one showed up so I just grabbed a cab” Van Ness snorted and you looked at him. He didn’t say anything, “where’s my desk?” you asked again, starting to feel more frustrated but also a bit amused when again they didn’t say a thing, “you did get the memo that you’d be getting a new person today, right?” you questioned in a huff, a bit louder, looking at them in utter disbelief. Fucking embassy, fucking DEA.

“Is agent Martin here?” you heard your name being called from behind you, the men in front of you just widened their eyes and looked at you.

“That would be me” you announced, turning around, seeing a tall, tanned skin, sweaty man approaching you, “and you must be Javier Peña” you said, allowing yourself to be more assured, stretching your hand again.

“You are agent Martin” he said, making it sound half like a question, half an assertion, looking at you up and down, he put his hands on his hips, not bothering to take your hand.

“Florencia Martín, yes sir” you dropped down your hand and pronounced your last name again, trying to get american people to pronounce your name was hard, and you hoped at least Javier Peña would understand it, yet he said it wrong. He just stood there and you glanced at him discreetly, he, differently from the men behind you, was a walking ball of frustration, you sympathized and tried to read his posture. He was trying to be cocky but his try died in his eyes, he was shocked, surprised and not at all entertained.

“No wonder why I couldn’t find you in the airport” he growled.

“You were also expecting a man” you affirmed, this time, a small hint of disappointment grew inside your stomach “don’t worry, it happens all the time” you repeated roughly. You turned around to your new partners, not caring and ignoring the look your new boss was giving you “my desk?”

Van Ness pointed a small cubicle behind his and Feislt’s big desks, you suppressed a sigh and walked towards the space, still pulling your fucking suitcase, feeling the looks of three men in your back. You were used to this, you had done it countless times, and you knew you weren’t the only woman that has gone through this. But after spending the time you spent in one single place, with the same people, doing the same thing, after having an amazing partner that had believed in you since the day you almost punched the shit out of him on the academy, after having your own office to work with him, after having faced many masculine faces disapproving you being in the same rooms as them while chasing bad guys, after receiving thousands of condescending looks when you said anything, and yet being capable of raise everybody’s expectations, starting it all over again not only sounded hard, it also sounded exhausting.

Javier couldn’t believe his fucking luck when he looked at you. He certainly was expecting a man, Washington only told him so much and he assumed what everyone did when they heard your last name, in the end it was a masculine name. For some reason he felt guilty when you told him you always get that reaction.

He tried to examine you, ever the analyzer, but he got nothing, not from the way you were still standing in front of the ridiculously small cubicle, tapping your foot against the carpeted floor, or the way you kept putting a thin strand of hair behind your ear and it kept falling in front of your right cheekbone, nothing from the way you reached for the manila folder that was waiting to be picked up or the way your fingers moved around the pages. You seemed unreadable to him and he didn’t like that. Not one bit.

You turned around when you felt his stare, he was still just standing there, looking at you.

“Is this really everything I have to be briefed on?” you questioned him lifting the folder in your left hand. He nodded and turned to the right to walk to his office “well fuck that” you murmured under your breath. You heard Van Ness snorting again and looked at him giving you a small smile, maybe you didn’t say that as quietly as you wanted, you gave him half a grin and he shook his head.

You took off your blazer and sat on the incredibly uncomfortable chair.

“Shit” you whispered again.

“Fuck” Javier said under his breath, loosening his tie and crashing into his chair. He rubbed his eyes with the ball of his hands and sighed. What the fuck did the people at Washington think. He was after a whole fucking cartel, he didn’t have his trusted partner this time, he was alone and he had to lead a team to do that, he had just lost two agents after they were stupid and reckless going around Cali and they dared to send down one random chick in some sort of replacement that for some reason seemed just so small and frail to him.

He was pretty sure you weren’t due to the fact that you were a DEA agent, but when he looked at you the only thing he could notice was the way your eyes were dimmed, maybe due to the fluorescent lights or the fact that you had flown who-knows how many hours to be there, or the way your hands seemed way too delicate to even handle a gun, or how your body looked breakable to the touch.

He didn’t like the way his mind was forming his thoughts about you, it wasn’t right to think that way of a woman- no, a person- no, an agent he had just met, he just knew it was the macho part in him that saw you that way. He knew that if Washington had sent you all the way down to a god forsaken country fighting an unfair war, you had to be capable to endure it.

Javier scratched his stubble and reached for the thinest folder he had on his desk, it was your file. He grinned when he opened it, unbelieving of the almost non existent amount of information it had about you. It did have your full name, though, so, mistaking you for a guy was indeed his fault, just because he didn’t read the file before.

He browsed through the last locations you had been sent to and raised his eyebrows when he saw the amount of time you’d spent in the last place. No wonder why you were being so reluctant about everything you saw and how you were being treated. He remembered how he felt when he was a newcomer and he remembered what he had to go through with Steve when he first came to the country, it was awful, and even without the language barrier, as your file said you did speak spanish, he assumed you must feel like an outcast. It was never easy, arriving at a place where everything seemed like it belonged there but you.

Javier closed the file and threw it back to the pile of manila folders in front of him. He did have his doubts about you, and surely he was wondering why he had only been sent that joke of a file and nothing else, and he didn’t want to make your stay in Colombia or at the embassy a living hell, but he did want to see what you were able to do, he couldn’t wait for you to show him what you had in you.

That last thought sent him for a bit through a deliciously nasty tangent, and he had to bring himself back to the initial train of thought: you.

You were now his. No– you were now in his team. He was now your boss. He couldn’t think of you in any other way even if sometimes it couldn’t be avoided.

Javier rubbed his lower lip with his thumb, wondering what were you working on before arriving, trying to think what was happening in México that made you stay that long.

And a question was forming in his head… What the hell did you do to be sent to Colombia?

// next→

#javier peña x reader #javier peña #javier peña fanfic #javier pena fanfic #narcos #narcos fanfic #javier peña fanfiction #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #rushingly bittersweet tag

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gifted-burnout-archive · 4 years

Text

Codename: Candy

Part Fifteen - Truth Unfolding

Word Count - 1512

Author’s Note: I want to just say that in the following chapters, some things might confuse readers. This is an AU of an AU, since it’s not exactly the show. So I’ll be popping in the little changes I have made, the mandela effects if you will. Just miniscule things, but so you don’t sit there thinking ‘¿Qué?’. Anyway, on with the story!

The flight to Egypt was tense, and after a video call briefing the three on findings made by T-FAD, multiple codes and locations revealed thanks to the Afghanistan source, each of the team took the flight for themselves. Greer slept in the back of the plane, and Candy did her best to not talk to Jack, taking the first chance possible to change, and jumping in the shower on board, wiping away the remnants of the night before: the last traces of makeup, the sweat from the too warm interrogation room, the dried blood that circled her wrists. She moved slowly, braiding her hair, taking her time to change into a blouse and trousers, looking at herself in the mirror, searching through her bag, and pulling out her combat boots, slipping them on. Once she had spent an hour just changing and washing, she moved straight past Jack, opening a few trunks secured to the floor, working her way through the weapons collection she had before her, fixing holsters onto her body and picking out her arms for once they landed.

As day turned to night, and Candy worked on her laptop, having another read through the new information provided by sources, Jack spoke to her for the first time since she disappeared the night before.

"Three years in Libya..." he said slowly, and Candy looked over. "Four months in Iraq... So many countries under your tour belt it just never added up... The 904th... And not a single record on you... Nowhere, I checked. Not even enlistment forms from Colorado. Nothing at all."

"Have you been looking me up, Jack? I'm flattered." Candy laughed, turning back to her laptop, typing away quite idly as he continued his train of thought.

"But I don't understand how I can't find you anywhere Jones... It doesn't make sense. I was trying to find out more about your stay in Iraq but all the documents were classified, which also doesn't make sense." Jack thought aloud, and the laughter and joy in Candy's face disappeared, replaced by a cold frown, her eyes dull.

"Get to your point, Doctor." Candy hissed, closing over her laptop and turning to face him.

"Candy... When did you leave the US Army?" He asked, and she kept a straight face, looking him dead in the eye.

"That's classified."

And with that, the illusion was shattered. Whoever Jack thought Lieutenant Candy Jones was, was bullshit. All of it. Every word, every flirtatious action, every smile, a fucking character the woman in front of him had created.

Jack walked through the cabin a few times, pacing, trying to figure out exactly what to do. And whether it was anger or surprise or his sudden lack of trust in Candy, he pulled his gun and aimed it for her head. "Give me one good reason to not just fucking shoot you now!" He asked, his voice loud enough to wake Greer, who watched on in shock.

"Because you have another three hours in the air, and my corpse wouldn't be the most entertaining travel companion." The Lieutenant, whoever she was, offered.

"Jack, put down the gun... We can discuss this." Greer suggested. Jack stood fast for a few more seconds, letting out a breath as he lowered the gun.

"Don't fucking move." Jack ordered, and the woman nodded, tidying her laptop away into a bag and moving the paperwork on the table aside. "Greer, into the cockpit... I have a few questions that need answered." The look shared by the two said enough to Jim, who walked past and into the cockpit, leaving the pair alone.

"Take a seat Jack." She gestured, the frown on his face contorted with rage

"Don't call me that." He snapped, sitting across from her. The pair locked eyes, and she smiled.

"When did you start doubting me?" She asked, "The talented but naive Special Forces Lieutenant, I mean." Her demeanour was calm, one leg crossed over another, hands resting on her knee.

"I couldn't tell you..." Jack kept his hand on his gun, still pointed at her. "Let's start with your name."

"Classi-"

"I'm not going into the fucking Void with you if I don't know your real name. Name, age, and then we can start with your actual backstory." Jack said, his gaze focusing on the tags around her neck. "Who was Lieutenant Jones?"

"These tags, according to records, belonged to a dude from Detroit... White guy, red hair, sniper. Great shot... I was better." She informed, pulling the chain off and setting it on the table. "And according to those tags and his info, I have served ten years in the US Army."

"You aren't 28."

"A lady never tells..."

“And that man?”

“Fictional. Remade for me twice, in 2006 and 2014. They fit the facade.” Candy tried her best to explain it, but even to her it was a little confusing.

"Were you ever a part of the Army?" Jack changed to questions he was more likely to get answers from.

"No."

"We're you ever a part of any US Armed Forces?"

"Yes... Boy you must have played 20 questions in high school Jack, you've really picked up the game quick." She smirked.

"What division?" Jack asked, taking the tags from the table and pocketing them.

"Semper Fi, handsome." She smiled, and Jack wanted to yell out his frustrations. Of all the army divisions, she was a fucking ex-Marine. And he suddenly saw her in a whole new light. Despite his anger, he couldn't hide his respect for the woman before him, and felt guilty for not giving her more from the beginning.

"And of what you have already told me. About Iraq, about your unit... How much of that was true?" Jack questioned.

"There was a reason I escaped Iraq, although I have to confess I shortened the time scale a little." She went to stand, Jack making sure the gun followed her every move. She reached into the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water, taking a sip as she returned to her chair. "I spent fifteen months there, not four. When you say four, it sounds like the Army is planning a rescue mission for its brave lost troops... They don't give a shit about contractors."

"You're a contractor? When did you start contract work?" Jack pressed on, and she took another drink.

"Oficially, it was after two tours... The CIA brought me in start of 2012, sent me to Benghazi in the June. How could I refuse twice the pay, twice the adventure." She said with a small smile, like the death of a US Ambassador and two fellow contractors was a fond memory.

"And, I assume your presence there was classified?" Jack raised an eyebrow, and she nodded.

"My presence is classified everywhere."

"Why?"

"Because the CIA needs weapons other countries don't know about." Jack placed the gun on the table as the woman answered, folding his arms as he looked her over.

"And why have you been saddled onto my back?" Jack interrogated further.

"I discovered a mole about five years ago, we were working together, and he has resurfaced. A former classified contractor with close ties to Roland. I have direct orders to shoot him on sight." She explained, and for the first time since they began talking, she looked uncomfortable.

"Why you? Why not Navy SEALS or Marine Corps, an ambush to take this guy into custody?"

"He knows too much... Whatever secrets he has about the US, about the CIA, and about the dozens of linked organisations, it's a ticking time bomb. It's only a matter of time until something is given away that leads to nuclear warfare on an global scale."

"What else?" Jack asked, looking her over. Something was missing, he knew it. Her composure faltered, the smiling switching to a frown. She shuffled in the chair, not quite sure how to say the next sentence without being shot. "You've told me this much... Might as well get it all out in the open."

"I wasn't kept in Iraq for fifteen months for information. I was kept for Buster, Michael..." She pressed a hand to her head.

"Buster who was beheaded in a propaganda video?" Jack asked, though he was unsure if that was the truth.

"The very same... They showed me that video after three months there, forced me to watch every second, repeated for a week or so. Made me believe he was dead... But he wasn't, and when the video didn't break me, he did."

"Buster was in on it?" She nodded in response.

"After I escaped, my own names were too recognisable. I had been going by Jones since training, direct orders from up top, but some people knew... CIA erased everything they could. Maiden name, Telford. And in the summer of 2013, that changed to Mrs Michael Roland."

The pair sat in silence, letting it sink in. "You've got to be fucking kidding..." Jack muttered. "So what, this is some revenge plot for you to kill your abusive husband?"

"This is a mission I was assigned... And I divorced him once I, you know, escaped from the torture bunker your people left me in." Candy jabbed back, and as she settled into her chair again, Greer appeared from the cockpit, phone in hand and a look of concern on his face.

"What did I miss?"

#jack ryan x female oc #jack ryan #tom clancy #john krasinski #fanfic #fanfiction #part fifteen #codename candy #cia #army #us army #romance #thriller

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drreid187 · 5 years

Text

At Each Other's Throats

This is the sequel to a oneshot I posted a few weeks ago.

Here's part 1 if you didn't read it:

Enjoy!

A few months after your first meeting, you and Spencer were brought back together by another case.

“Agent Y/L/N, thank you for joining us again.” You were greeted by Emily Prentiss when you stepped off the elevator.

“The pleasure is mine, Emily. I just read up on the case before I left my house, what time are we leaving?” You asked, tugging at the strap from the bag on your shoulder. You had received the case information that morning and had read through it pretty quickly. 3 women abducted from their homes, and killed by strangulation before being dumped in a forest. Lack of sexual assault indicating to possible impotence.

“Wheels up in 20.” Emily replied, grabbing her go bag.

You were greeted by everyone once you stepped onto the plane, you took the remaining empty seat beside Dr. Spencer Reid.

“Hello again, Dr. Reid.” You smiled at him. His long hair was messy and all over the place.

“Agent Y/L/N, it's great to see you.” He replied.

Throughout the flight, you all discussed victimology, brunette women in their 30s, and how the abductions took place 3 days apart, with the body of the previous victim being found the day before the next abduction. 2 days was all that you had to find the unsub, since Hanna Neeson disappeared this morning. You couldn't help but notice Spencer subtly looking at you while you were talking, or how your hands briefly touched when you were looking at the files on the table. You couldn't lie to yourself, you'd imagined what it would be like to be with him, and in your imagination, it was incredible. You threw those thoughts away so you could really focus on the case in front of you.

“Reid, Y/L/N, head to the coroner's office.” Emily said just before you landed. You nodded diligently, you glanced at Spencer, who also nodded but did not meet your gaze.

The case was not the toughest one the BAU had worked on, and in less than two days, you had a lead. Raymond Taylor, a doctor who had treated all of the victims over the last 6 months, was your unsub. He had been abused by his mother, a woman who held a startling resemblance to each of the victims. You and Spencer worked well together over the two days, but there was little conversation for fear of an argument.

You and the team had cornered Raymond Taylor in an empty multi storey car park, where he was planning on putting Hanna into his car and killing her before dumping her body. Luckily you had all gotten there on time.

You and Spencer were standing on the floor above the action; you could see JJ attempting to talk Raymond Taylor down while he held a gun to Hanna Neeson's head, she was screaming, terrified for her life.

Emily's voice was heard through your earpiece about 5 minutes later.

“Y/L/N, do you have a clear shot? If you do, shoot. This guy is not wavering, if we leave it too long he'll shoot Hanna. At this stage JJ is just delaying the inevitable.”

“Yeah, I got it.” You nodded, holding the gun tightly and closing one eye to check your him, you thought you could definitely make the shot.

“Y/N, you do not have a clear shot.” Spencer spoke from beside you.

“I'm a good shot, Spencer, I've got this.” You said, bending down and aiming again.

“A good shot is not a perfect shot, Y/N. Don't do it.” He said, his voice was stern.

“If I don't do it, he'll kill Hanna.”

“If you do do it, you'll kill her.” He said, his eyes burning into the side of your head.

“Does someone have a clear shot?” Emily's voice rang again, “We need to do this now.”

You trusted your gut; you had gotten the highest score out of everyone during your weapon assessment during training and your score was higher than anyone in the BAU. You ignored what Spencer said, and cautiously held down the trigger which sent Raymond Taylor hurtling to the ground. Hanna Neeson remained unharmed and ran towards JJ who enveloped her in a hug.

You let out a long breath, and when you turned to your left, Spencer was gone.

It hurt you, you thought that you and Spencer had been getting along really well, and suddenly he was back to the same guy he was a few weeks ago, when he shouted at you in the office.

An hour or so later, everyone was on the plane, and you had decided to sit directly opposite Spencer, at the back of the plane. Even though you wanted to sit beside Alvez, you figured you should talk to Spencer. He was reading a book when you sat down, and didn't look up.

"Listen, Reid, I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you, but you didn't believe in me enough to make the shot." You said, just loudly enough for Spencer to hear you, but so that the others couldn't.

"You disobeyed an order, Y/N." He said, glancing up briefly.

"An order, Reid? Last time I checked, it was Emily who was in charge and she is the one who told me to shoot, you're my equal here. You're the same rank as me, so don't act like I did anything wrong. I should've known someone with your brains would have a superiority complex." You muttered, and got up again to sit by Luke.

Spencer spent the majority of the flight reading, and sneaking glances at you when you weren't looking. You spent the remainder of the flight chatting with Luke, Emily and Rossi.

The plane landed just over an hour later, you immediately agreed to go to the bar with Luke, JJ, Matt, Garcia and Emily. Rossi decided to head home and Spencer muttered something about finishing paperwork at the office instead.

Drinks were still flowing 2 hours later, and everyone was feeling it.

"Here's to another case solved. And to Y/L/N and her perfect shot." Emily toasted and everyone clicked their glasses and knocked back their drinks.

"Oh, Spence is here." JJ said, you followed her gaze to the door. Surely enough, you spotted the genius heading towards your table.

Spencer swiftly greeted everyone before turning to you.

"I'd like to talk to you outside." Spencer said, and there was a sudden silence at the table.

"Is that a suggestion or an order, Dr. Reid?" You said with a mocking face.

"Please, Y/N."

You got up and turned quickly to the table, who were very confused, before telling them you'd be back in a minute.

You followed Spencer outside, turned a corner so you weren't standing on the road, and you leaned against the wall of the bar and waited for him to say something.

"Y/N, I'm very sorry about today. I-I don't have a superiority complex, I really don't. If I'm completely honest I was just pissed off that I was wrong. I told you that you would hit Hanna if you shot, and you didn't. My maths was off, for some reason, and I was embarrassed and I'm very sorry that I took it out on you." Spencer said, he was mainly looking down at his shoes, but did then look up at you.

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have dismissed you like that, and I take back what I said about the superiority complex." You said. "Also, you'd better get used to being wrong if you're working with me."

Spencer softly chuckled.

"If it means we get to work together, I'll learn to accept it." He smiled at you.

It was only then that you realised how close you were both standing. You were both leaning against the wall, just a few inches apart. Neither of you moved. The semi-drunk part of your brain found Spencer's ability to apologise when he was wrong extremely attractive, not many men you knew did that. Another part found him just attractive anyway, and your whole body was reacting to standing so close to him. With a bit of liquid courage on board, you reached out and took his hand in yours. He didn't flinch or pull away, but squeezed yours in return.

"Do you want to come in and have a drink with us?" You asked him.

"Yeah, but first, I want to see if I'm right." He said, closing the gap between your bodies.

"Right about what?" You asked, your breathing increasing as one of his hands cupped your cheek.

"About how good it would feel to kiss you." Spencer replied, and suddenly his lips were on yours. His hands moved to either side of your face, pulling you in. Your hands gripped the front of his shirt as he so expertly moved from your lips to your neck. You involuntarily moaned and that made Spencer laugh. It felt like nothing you had ever felt before, your whole body responded to him perfectly. His soft lips traveled back up to yours and you savored his taste before pulling away.

"And?" You said, breathlessly.

"Unsurprisingly, I was right." He nodded, smiling, before pulling you back in.

#spencer reid #criminal minds #matthew gray gubler #mgg #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid oneshot #x reader #cm

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fromheroestodust · 6 years

Text

Rose Killer: Pt.5; Calm Before the Storm

Summary: you're the leader of the strongest mafia in London. What will happen when you're forced to team up with your worst enemy?

Warnings: Hostage-ish situation, language, mentions of death

Word count: 3384

A/N: taglist is open!

Slowly you open your eyes, light peeking through the curtains and lighting up a patch of the room, dust dancing in the brightness while Harrison still sleeps in front of you. "Haz." You whisper, gently shaking him. "Haz." He let's out a small groan and turns on to his back, eyes squinting in the light of the morning.

"Good morning." He says, his voice still groggy from sleep as be turns his head to look at you with a small grin grazing his chapped lips.

"Do you have anything planned for today?" You ask, a sudden idea crossing your mind causing excitement to sprout in you.

"Nope. Tom's busy all day though." He answers, twirling a piece of your hair between two of his fingers, his focus on the spinning strands.

"Good." You grin with a bite of your lip, sitting up causing Harrison's arms to fall off of your waist.

"You really hate Tom." He yawns, sitting up in front of you with a tired smile of his own.

"It wasn't supposed to come out that way." You grumble before continuing your thoughts. "We should have a picnic or something in the back yard."

"Sounds good considering this is probably going to be the last nice day of the year." Harrison agrees. "Won't it raise suspicions though? I don't think it's really good to have everyone know about us yet, yeah?"

"Yeah, we can just say we're eating outside. As friends." You say, a troublesome grin on your face.

"As friends." He repeats with a smile of his own. "But it's a little too early to go out now." His eyes glance to the window, the sun waking behind the curtains in the sky.

"Thank you Captain obvious." You sigh with the corners of your mouth raising more into a toothy smile. "So what're we gonna do?"

"Well it's like," he stops to look at the clock, "Another half hour until they normally wake up."

"What're we supposed to do in this extra half hour?" You yawn, suddenly finding it very chilly and pulling the plush duvet around your body to get warmer and conserve your remaining body heat.

"Boardgame?" Harrison suggests, motioning to the multiple boxes that sat in a neat stack on the bedside table.

"Sure."

You both climb off of the bed and to the table, finally landing on Candy Land before sitting on the floor.

"Nooo!" You exclaim as you draw the cupcake card while you were three spaces away form winning. Harrison laughs as you place your piece nearly back to the start, a pout on your face. "Shit, it's been like an hour! 'm starving!"

The two of you pack away the game and then step into the hallway, confusion setting into the mood around your duo. "Why's it entirely dark...?"

"I don't know." You mumble, fear clutching at your stomach and squeezing it as you cling to Harrison's arm, your mind telling you someone is going to jump out and take you back to that shitty excuse of a warehouse. You grab the gun attached to a holder around your waist and pull it out, holding it tightly at your side.

"We would've heard something if someone broke in." Haz assures you, though uncertainty laces his words. "Let's go downstairs." You both make your way down the flight of stairs, your grip now on Harrison's hand. Your breathing slows to make it silent just at the chance of attackers as you stop just where the wall stops halfway down the flight. You and Harrison point your guns down, hearing voices from the ground floor-

"Paddy, can you put these on the table?" A woman's voice says, a sigh of relief falling from Harrison's and yours lips before you release his hand from your grasp and finally step in to the kitchen.

"Ah Y/n there you are!" Nikki says giving you a quick smile. "Morning Harrison."

"Mornin." He replies, taking his seat next to you at the table across from Sam while you sit across from Harry. Paddy sets a large plate of waffles in the middle of the table, everyone else reaching for one like a pack of wolves while you wait for the others to get their own.

"By the way, why's it so dark? And cold." Haz asks, a bite of food in his mouth as he looks around at the dark ground floor.

"Power went out." Harry answers. "They've no clue what happened so it'll probably be like this all day."

"That's just lovely." You sigh in a voice barely above a whisper. While you find it easy to talk around Harrison and Tom, everyone else you can hardly talk to them at full volume half the time, only adding a comment in every now and then. You're getting better, but it's still a struggle to hold a five minute conversation.

"Can't be too bad." Sam shrugs before taking another bite.

"Guess." You sigh, cutting your own waffle into bite sized pieces.

"Haz!" You exclaim as he takes the fedora off of your head, placing it on his own with a wide grin. Staring up at him, you reach for the hat but Harrison gently grabs your wrist and moves your hand down with a chuckle.

*You reach up to punch your attacker but he roughly grabs your wrist, forces it down, and ties it before continuing to beat you.

You pull your wrist away and hold your hand in the opposite one, fear coursing through your eyes and veins as your empty gaze is set on the wall opposite you.

"Y/n?" Haz asks, the smile fading from his features and instead is replaced with worry as he searches your face for an answer.

"'m sorry..." You mumble, looking down in embarrassment. Why did you keep doing this?

"It's fine darling," he assures you, a light pink dusting your cheeks and ears at the pet name, "Just tell me if something's wrong."

"Okay." You agree, looking up again. He places a chaste kiss to your forehead before placing your fedora on your hair sideways and continuing down the hallway, you running after him after fixing the hat.

You're watching the news on your phone, still finding it a necessity to see what's happening while you're on a small break so you know what's happening. "This morning twenty two year old Aniya Roxian was found dead in her apartment. The authorities are still-" your mind freezes and your blood runs cold. No. No, Aniya can't be dead. She can't be. You start anxiously scrolling through the article hoping against hope that you heard wrong, but it says it clear as day. Aniya Roxian.

A suffocated sob comes from your throat and out your mouth as the tears immediately start pouring in streams down your face as you burry your face in your pulled up knees, hugging your legs tight to your chest.

"Y/n?" Harrison's voice asks with worry as he climbs up the bed to you from his spot in the desk chair. "Y/n what's wrong?" You don't respond, only hand him your phone with an incredibly shaky hand before going back to weeping for your friend.

It's your fault she's dead you tell yourself, although you know it's not true. Her father had run a smaller mafia and she was for sure a target of at least one person or mob, but you couldn't help but blame yourself.

Harrison immediately knew who the article was about; your friend had been in your files that'd he'd studied with Tom before you moved in. "Come here." He says, holding his arms open which you immediately fall into, not finding any strength to even sit up by yourself.

You're numb. You feel as if you've caused another death of someone you love. First Tyson. Then your parents. Now Aniya. Everyone you love is slowly disappearing due to this fucking business. How will you be able to survive another major loss like this one? You're in pain but your numb, your body turning to ice with a raging fire trapped underneath it.

"It's all my fault." You sob, burying your face in the crook of Harrison's neck, the stream of tears from your face continuing down his shoulder in a river of grief.

"No. Don't say that. Don't you dare blame yourself. She was part of a mafia too. It's not your fault, don't think that." He says sternly, running his fingers through your hair and working away the knots with gentle tugs.

"W-what if you you... What if you d-die too...?" You whimper, your sobs stopping but the waterfall from your eyes staying strong.

"I know what I signed up for when I joined this business. So did you. We both know there's a risk one of us will die, but we're both strong." He replies instead of giving a straight answer, but you can't and won't ponder over that now, to focused on your emotions in the heat of the moment.

"Thank you." You sniff, pulling away slightly so your faces are not even an inch away from each others. "Like I said. I'll always help you." Harrison says with an ever so slight smile. You look into his bright blue eyes, the iris's seeming to gently wave like a body of water. You find an odd calm in staring into his beautiful orbs, watching the blue waves lap up onto an invisible beach. Slowly, you lean forward until your lips are on his, electricity erupting in your face then through the rest of your body sending your mind into a peaceful bliss, all of your attention focused on the feeling of his lips on yours. He nearly immediately returns the kiss, arms going around your waist and pulling you closer as you cup his face with one hand. The kiss is slightly needy as if both of you have been waiting for another chance to kiss the other, but also soft and slow, not to rough to intend anything sexual, it's just right. The small interaction clears the grief, disbelief, and sadness from your thoughts and replace them with a peaceful emptiness, your head empty of all thoughts, your body taking control of your actions.

You only break the kiss when your lungs can no longer suppress the need for air. The two of you stare at each other, lips slightly swollen and eyes filled with adoration as you study each other's features. His perfect lips that seemed to be perfectly made for yours, his crystal blue eyes, his sharp jaw line, the scar running from where his cheekbone meets his nose to the center of his cheek. Your hand goes up to again craddle his cheek, this time your thumb running down the mark. An emotion you're not able to read consumes his eyes as he stares at you, your brows furrowed in concentration. He gently nudges his face more into your hand, a warm feeling filling you and kicking out the guilt that once occupied your stomach from this boy you love having a scar because of you.

Harrison's hand rests on your calf, the other fiddling with a group of strands of your hair while you went back and forth between tracing the scar and rubbing small circles into his cheek. How you got here it doesn't really matter - and to be fair you're entirely fine with forgetting it - but both of you felt strangely calm with the other randomly drawing shapes or tracing lines or playing with their hair. As odd as it sounds, though, it works for both of you so you weren't going to say anything about it.

"How is everyone here's hair curly?" You ask, hand moving from Harrisons cheek to one of his curls that sit atop his head. A light chuckle falls from his mouth, causing a microscoptic smile to form on your face.

Harrison's hand drops your hair from his hand and moves to your face to wipe off your dried tears, warmth sprouting from the spot where his palm cradles your cheek. You copy him and gently push your face more into his hand as if that were possible. Bringing your hands down to your sides, your eyes flutter shut for you're suddenly drastically tired - probably from fighting your own mind to push out the overwhelming sadness of the death of Aniya.

"Tired?" Harrison asks, and even though you can't see you can tell he has a smile painted on his face, the smile that brought light to your darkest days. "Maybe..." You mumble, lips barely parting with your words as if you were just breathing instead of having a conversation. He doesn't say anything more but hands slip under your arms and then lifts your figure up earning a small squeak from you before they lay you onto the mattress, they themselves laying down, pulling the duvet over you both.

"Thanks." You say quietly, shrugging into the warmth of the blanket, for the room was freezing due too there being no heat except that from your bodies. "No problem." Harrison replies, sleepiness evident in his mashed together words and heavy eyes.

You scoot closer to him and wrap your arms around his middle, a tired grin splitting across both of your faces before He drapes an arm over your waist then up your back, pushing gently to move you against him. You oblige without question, your forehead now against his chest while the rest of your face is angled away.

Again you feel protected, like Harrison's embrace can shield you from everything dangerous and horrible thing in the world. Only one other time had you been this close to someone. Tyson

And he feels like he's your guardian with your much smaller body nearly surrounded by his own, your breath lightly fanning onto his skin. His head rests with his chin on top of yours, and after sensing your breathing pattern change he follows, still in disbelief at this unlikely relationship.

"Y/n." A voice says pulling you out of a nightmare filled with dead loved ones. You blink your eyes open, fresh tears shedding from your hardly awaken eyes. A sigh of relief falls from the other person's mouth. "You were having a nightmare."

"Y...yeah..." You reply quietly, not knowing how to respond guilt and more embarrassment coursing through you.

"You okay?" They ask, neither of you moving to look at the other, fine with just feeling of the others heart. "... Yeah." You say, ignoring the soundless tears falling onto the bedsheet and instead focusing on Harrison's breathing. A small shudder falls from your quivering lip as you place a feathery kiss to the bottom of his chest before pressing your forehead against the spot and letting your eyes fall shut again.

"Night." You mumble, half asleep but managing to mutter the word. "Good night darling." Haz yawns, his chin pressing into the top of your head before his jaw closes. You sigh in contentment before allowing sleep to take you into it's grasp and hopefully not into another night terror.

You wake up into the dimmed room with the sunlight shinning in slightly through the part in the blinds, the golden rays being the only light. Great. You think. The powers still out.

Your eyes go to the figure in front of you, the sound of Harrison's soft and even breathing filling your ears. You press another soft kiss to his skin, him almost immediately waking up at your touch.

"That's a lovely way to wake up." He mumbles, arm moving off of your waist to stretch taking most of his warmth with it. You turn on your back and scooch upwards into a half sitting position so you're head is at the very back of the pillow, Harrison's head next to your chest. "I'll be right back." He sighs before getting up and walking towards the bathroom, a hand running through his hair.

Your eyes again flutter shut, causing you to fall half asleep though your attention is brought back to the world by the sound of something slipping off of the table. Immediately, you sit up and see a hand slowly grabbing your knife, a mouse stealing cheese from a trap. Rage boils through your veins as you snatch it out of the small figures hand and spin them around so their back is pressed against your front with your arms secure around the small shoulders, the side of your knife on their neck but not to hard to draw blood - Yet.

"M'kay do you wanna-" Harrison starts before seeing the situation. "Y/n...? What're you doing with Paddy?"

"He was trying to steal my knife." You hiss, venom drenching your words as you look down at the head of red, his hands holding your forearms to try to pull them down.

"Let's put the knife down..." Harrison says slowly, his hands up as he walks cautiously towards you. "And then let Paddy go."

Slowly, you ease down the knife so you're holding it at your side, but your arm remains around the frightened teen. Harrison makes it to you and, with great difficulty, removes Paddy from your grasp. He nods to him to go, him quickly running out of the room, a gazelle running from lions he narrowly escaped.

"What was that all about?" Haz asks after Paddy's out of earshot.

"He was trying to steal my knife!" You exclaim in defense, setting the blade down and grabbing your rose from the previous day, tucking it neatly behind your ear. "It's kind of my instinct to attack if someone tries to steal my stuff."

"That doesn't seem like something he'd do..." He mumbles, brows furrowing together in thought as he ponders over the actions.

"It's his fault he was attacked." You state with your hands on your hips, pacing back and forth in front of your boyfriend with a pissed off look clear as the fact that the power is out.

"We can figure this out later." He sighs, running a hand through his disheveled curls again. "The power is driving me insane."

"How much longer will we be in the dark?" You ask, brushing through your hair with your fingers and watching your motions in a tall, thin, mirror in his room.

"Who knows. They still haven't figured out what's wrong." He says softly, coming up behind you while wrapping his arms around your waist and setting his chin on your shoulder that doesn't have your hair flung over it. You smile softly and continue to detangle the knots, letting out a small squeak when he pulls you closer to him. The slight smile grows as you reach up, mess up his already messy hair, and go back to your own.

"Hey!" He exclaims, removing one of his hands from your waist to brush his curls out of his eyes. You grin, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth. "You'll regret that." Harrison hands reach to your sides and start tickling, causing you to yell out and fold into him, both of your laughter ringing through the air like music to your ears.

"Harrison!" You giggle, the two of you falling onto the floor in a tangle of limbs. His fingers stop moving to make you laugh, instead both of your laughter fades as you stare at each other. Harrison had landed on top of you after you fell and now has one hand on either side of your head to prop himself up. You cradle his face with both of your hands before pulling it down to yours, lips meeting in the middle and moving in sync.

"Hey Haz!" A voice calls out.

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unqueenlybiscuits · 7 years

Note

Ain't no pie like mah mather's chicken parm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (IN GERMAN ACCENT) What's up? I'm Brüno. (LAUGHING) I live in Austria's coolest city, Vienna.No big deal. Whatever. I am the host of Funkyzeit, the most important TV fashion showin any German-speaking country, apart from Germany. Funkyzeit is über influential. In fact, Austrian fashionistas live their livesaccording to my "In or Out" list. In! Autism. Aus. Chlamydia. Why is autism so cool at the moment? - Because it's funny.- Great. BRÜNO: Through Funkyzeit,ich have done interviews mit everyone in the Euro-fashion world. Can you look into this camera and just say, "You're watching Funkyzeit mit Brüno"? You are watching Funkyzeit programmewith Brüno, and it's really a great show. Yeah, that's cool. Can you do it, like,even more like a kind of black guy? You know, like an afrikanischer... - Like this?- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are watchingFunkyzeit programme with Brüno. Yo, man. Fuck, man. Welcome to the jungle. Something maybe a bit more crazy. Maybe show a bit of skinor something like that. - No, I don't think so.- Or what about just like one Kugelsack? One of the balls? No. And the most excitingand amazing thing in the town, from the fashion streets of Milan,only for the German girls, my great hairs. Yo, man. Modelling, a lot of people think it's easy. But it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it? It's very hard. Standing in heels all day,and everyone's watching you, so you have to make sure your walk is good.And, yeah. Yeah, it's really hard,'cause you've gotta remember, like, to put your right leg forwardand then put your left leg forward and then, like, which one now? Right leg again, and then, like, the left one.And then sometimes you even have to turn. Yeah. And especially the turn. It's so scary. BRÜNO: Being the host from Funkyzeit means Brüno's alwaysseated on the front row. Hi. How are you? You have to lose some weight. - The kettle is calling the pot black.- Oh, yeah? Put your shoulders back.This is a fashion show, not a slave auction. BRÜNO: Mein personal assistant,Kookus, is my rock. He's also mein stylist. - Do you think the glasses are too much?- Yeah, I'd lose them. They're too much like, "Look at me. "Hey, everybody, look at me.Look at my glasses." - Yeah.- "Everybody, like, stare at my glasses." BRÜNO: He's also my nutritionist. (RETCHING) Yeah, that is good. BRÜNO: I have a second assistant,but ich can't remember its name. Brüno has known true love twice in his life. Once, for seven minutes with Millifrom Milli und Vanilli. No big deal. Whatever. But for the last nine years,ich have been head über heels in love mit a pygmy flight attendant called Diesel. We're just like an ordinary couple,you know, boring, stay-at-home types. (GROANS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) - Oh, my God. I feel it. You're getting so big.- (MOANING) Ja. (LAUGHING) DIESEL: Ooh! - How much do you want?- Just half a glass. Otherwise I get too giggly. BRÜNO: In September 2008,I left for Milan Fashion Week to shoot a new season of Funkyzeit. Brüno had backstage access forthe hottest show of the week, de la Prada. So I wore the jewel of mein wardrobe,a suit made entirely out of Velcro. (PEOPLE CHATTERING) I'm wearing this. This is a prototype.It's a Velcro suit made by Frederic Worms. - Wow.- Pretty cool, right? It is. I was looking at it, and can I have one? - Well, it's a prototype. It's a one-off.- Okay. - Thank you.- Yeah. Okay... - Also... Yeah.- Can you go out, please? We'll get out, but don't push me. Yeah. Okay, no listen.We haven't finished the thing. - You go out now.- Yeah. Yeah, wait a second. Take... Get this off... Stop! (PEOPLE CLAMOURING) - Thank you.- Can someone help this guy? Can you take... (CROWD MURMURING) BRÜNO: Wait. Get me out of this.Get me out of this. (CROWD BOOING) BRÜNO: Brüno was aus. For the second time in a century, the world had turnedon Austria's greatest man just because he was brave enoughto try something new. - No.- Okay. BRÜNO: Brüno was schwarz-listed. - I'm on the front row.- I don't think so. (MALE GUARD SPEAKING) I'm sorry. BRÜNO: Und worst of all... Hello? (MAN CHATTERS ON PHONE) ...ich was fired from Funkyzeit. Ich realised that night that the fashion worldwas superficial und vacuous. So, I decided instead to go to Los Angelesto become a celebrity. Ich was going to bethe biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler. What? I'm not coming. - Why not?- Because you out. You humiliate me. - I'm so sorry I humiliate you.- Okay. Gotta go. Bye, baby, I love you. Diesel, I love you. Diesel. (BLOWING NOSE) (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) BRÜNO: Ich arrived in LA und cunningly avoidedbeing snapped by the waiting paparazzi. BRÜNO: No photos, please.Do you want another Diana on your hands? BRÜNO: Mein Plan was to become the biggest gay movie starsince Schwarzenegger. Maximum Santzgaut! Also, ich headed to my first meetingmit a Hollywood über agent. So my name's Brüno.I was born in Klagenfurt. I'm 19 years old. And, of course,you'll know me as the host of Funkyzeit. Okay. Well, I understandthat you took a look at a side that I wanted you to think aboutfrom the Jerry Maguire show. And I wouldn't mindhearing you try that out. Okay, great. - "Jerry enters."- No. - "Dorothy seated."- Just start with the word "hello." "Hello. Hello. "I'm looking for my wife! - "Shut up, women." That was improvisation.- Fine. "I couldn't hear your voiceor laugh about it with you." (LAUGHING) - All right, let me stop... Wait.- No, wait, wait. I... Let me stop for two minutes.Let me stop you right there. Nowhere in the script does it say he pauses for an inordinate period of time. You're here becauseyou are looking to do feature films. I wanna be a star. - In?- In a huge Hollywood movie. - Can you make that happen?- No. - What?- I definitely cannot. BRÜNO: But he did get me a starring rolein a top TVshow as an extra. DIRECTOR 1: All right, picture's next.Last looks, please. (SIGHS) CREW MEMBER: Set. DIRECTOR 1: Background.DIRECTOR 2: Action. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon. (BRÜNO CLICKING TONGUE) The defendant, as you know, has served our municipalityfor more than 12 years as city controller. So I was pained to learn that his debts compelled him to accepthundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes. - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- (WHISPERING) Just do a little bit less. - More or less?- Less. - Less. Okay.- Yeah. (WHISPERING) Sure. Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) CREW MEMBER: Set.DIRECTOR 2: Action. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm afraid it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon. As you know, the defendant hasserved our municipality as city controller for more than 12 years, and I have known him personallyfor most of that time. So I was very pained to learn that his personal debtscompelled him to accept bribes. - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- Here, I'll take that. - Okay.- Thank you. (SPEAKING GERMAN) BRÜNO: Sorry. DIRECTOR 1: Should we just go again?DIRECTOR 2: Okay. (SIGHS) As you know, the defendant has served this municipalityas city controller for more than 12 years, and I have personally known himfor most of that time. That is why I was very pained to learn... Cut. Sorry, I'm not feeling this one.Could we go again? This way. (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) You were actually my second choice. I was going to go to the salon that maintainsSalma Hayek's inner thighs, but the team that do it were booked upfor the next four days because she's got the Elle Style Awards. And they said they're, like, really,really exhausted after they do her. They're exhaustedafter they wax Salma Hayek? She must have a lot of hair. They say that after a waxing,there's enough to stuff a mattress. Well. Speaking of rectums,let's get you clean. - Okay. There we go.- There's not much. Yeah, sure. (RIPS) There you go. Now there's wax in there. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Telephone. - Hello?- Hey, how you doing, man? Lloyd, hi. How are you? I just got off the phone with the network.They've agreed to do a screening. Great! Das is all maximum Santzgaut! In two days. I got them to payfor a focus group for the show. I think you just scraped my anus. WAXER: I did. I got you clean. BRÜNO: My stinker is slightly burning.Is that normal? What? No, that was to the lady who is...I'm in the salon, yes. She's just washing my Arschwitz. LLO YD: Is there any way we can getsomething together enough to put it on? - Okay, sure.- All right. I'm gonna call them right now. Are you using Vaseline? WAXER: No, lotion. BRÜNO: Could you take your fingerout of my Arschenholer? All right. I think, guys, we're finished. Once again, "Can you take my finger,your finger out of my ass," is what the guy just said on the phone. No, Lloyd, I was not speaking to you.I was just talking to the woman here. Who's got the audio? I want to hear the audio back.I want you to hear... I want you to hear what this fool is saying. Play it back. Talking about what?His asshole. (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (BRÜNO SPEAKING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (HUSHING IN GERMAN) Can you be quiet? (SPEAKING GERMAN) Hello, hello. Hey, can you come in? Do any of you guyswant to make some more money? (WHISTLES) (SPEAKING GERMAN) - Hi. How are you?- Hi. - I'm Brüno. Great to have you here.- It's nice to meet you. Come and sit on our great furniture. These are our Mexican chair people. Demi Moore has two of them in her house. Yeah, if you sit here. If you sit on that one. Also, so tell me aboutyour humanitarian work. How important is it for youto help other people? It's like the air that I breatheand the water that I drink. - Please, have some water.- It is extremely, extremely important for me. You give love to other peopleand you get love back in spades. And I just feel like that's been my life. Great. You must be hungry.Let's bring in some food. Oh, my God. BRÜNO: Have some.ABDUL: Yeah, this is really bad for me. I'm sorry. This is really not good. We're leaving. BRÜNO: Come back, please.Can you please come back? LUTZ: Yes, yes, I understand.But I was thinking... Okay, but... Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes. Thank you. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SIGHS) Minimum Santzgaut. (SPEAKING GERMAN) Puffy Vater? (SPEAKING GERMAN) Reese Witterspinzel? Stevie Wunderbar? Wilhelm Schmidt? (SPEAKING GERMAN) Bradolf Pittler? (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) I think this focus group is really gonna be a very interesting exampleof how it's gonna play out. I actually got an interview mit Harrison Ford. - Very good. Very good.- Yes. So, you probably already know, todaywe're going to be looking at a new TV show, A-List Celebrity Max Out mit Brüno. - Howdy, I'm Lloyd Robinson.- Lloyd, Denny Bond. Hi. Hi. Great. Me und Lloyd, we haven't actually spokesince the other day when I was getting my anus bleached. (ALL LAUGHING) We won't go there, please. - We won't go there. Yeah.- That was a very difficult issue on the phone. And it's very importantwhat scores you give it, because if the show scores over an 85º%, the network's obviouslygonna be very interested. So take a look. - Absolutely.- Congratulations. BRÜNO ON TV: Who's ready to max outwith loads of celebrities? I am. Because das ist A-List Celebrity Max Out. (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) - BRÜNO ON TV: How are you?- Great. Thank you for having me. Okay, so this is the part of the show, it's called Future Kinder.People who are pregnant, we've managed to get the ultrasound photos. - It's totally great.- Okay. - What's her name?- Jamie Lynn. Jamie Lynn Spears.I mean, is she a celebrity? No. (LAUGHING) Okay, let's seewhat she's got in her stomach. All right. What do you think there?Is that a white-trash foetus? Yeah. Totally. She's got her arms up like she's a A-lister. Newsflash, you're in a C-lister's womb.Am I right? Worse. I think, like, D. Do you think this kid is retarded? Definitely the hands look way too big, and the ears, like,have not been developed yet. - Yeah, so keep it or abort it?- Abort it. (SIGHS) Und now, my exclusive interviewmit Harrison Ford is only moments away.But first, some more dancing mit Brüno. (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) That's right.It's the time you've all been waiting for. It's my one-on-one,exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford. - Also, here I am mit Harrison Ford.- Fuck off! (LAUGHING) What's that? (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) That's actually mine. - More champagne?- No, I'm fine, thanks. Brüno! The end bit was Lloyd's idea. The last bit was? Lloyd's? So if you coulddescribe this show in one sentence... Can anybody give me one sentence? - Go ahead.- The worst piece of crap I have ever seen. There's always one who's against it. Those... In any group, there's always one. What sick human being came upwith something like this? Well, there's always two.There's always two. I wanted to poke my eyes outwith hot needles. You'd have to borrow the needles from me. Lloyd, we need to distract him - from listening to this.- You can't. You can't. - We need to distract him.- You can't. - Kiss me.- No. No logical personwould consider a show like this unless they hadsome sort of a mental or moral defect. WOMAN: Everything. Oh, my God. BRÜNO: Let me have a look at those. "The host is a talentless idiot." Is this the dancing of a talentless idiot? - I would say that it is.- MAN: Yeah, yeah. Please, where you going? Please, this is my career.I put all my money into this. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN) I'm here with Congressman Ron Paul, who was the 2008 presidential candidate. So tell me, who are you wearing? Well, I don't even knowbecause it's pretty conventional. And I'm pretty, in that sense, pretty ordinary. But the message is not ordinary. (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) Sure. - Do you want some champagne?- I don't care for any. No. There's no ice bucket,but I know a good place to put it. (LAUGHS) Yeah, you were great in there.Have you done a lot of television before? Well, off and on throughout the years.This last year, a tremendous amount. - Sure.- I do a lot of them. Do you want some strawberries - or maybe some oysters?- No, I'm okay. I'm gonna light some candles if it's okay. Really loosens you up. Has anyone ever told youyou look like Enrique Iglesias? Of course not. You're much cuter. (LAUGHS) I love music. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYINGON STEREO) And dancing. I used to be a dancer. (CLEARS THROAT) Whoops. (SPEAKING GERMAN) - All right! Get out of here!- What? - All right, this has ended.- BRÜNO: What's going on? PAUL: That guy is queerer than the blazes.He took his clothes off. Let's get going. - WOMAN: What happened?- He's queer. He's crazy. He put a hit on me. He took his clothes off. BRÜNO: I couldn't even schtupp RuPaul. How would I become weltfamous? Ich decided to seek advicefrom the wisest guy I'd ever known. I wanna speak to Milli from the pop dance group Milli und Vanilli. Is he in heaven?And if so, is he in the VIP section there? He says he's in a placewith green trees and flowers. Can I ask him if he has any advice for me? (EXHALES) He says there's some sort of thing that youwill set up, like a foundation or something, where there will be other people involvedthat will benefit. Okay, that's a great idea, 'cause if I do that,then I'll definitely become world famous. Absolutely. There's something that he could dothat could make me incredibly happy. - Can I kiss him now?- Of course. (SPITS) (MUMBLING) (SNORTS) (GAGGING) (GROANING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (PANTS) Well, good luck with your life. BRÜNO: Thanks to Milli,ich could now see clearly despite having an eyeful of Schpunken. Charity was a great way to become famous. Also, Brüno just needed to findthe hottest world tragedy to fix. I want a charity that doesn't involvetoo much effort, but is gonna really make a difference,you know, really put me into the A-list. Is there something that you, like,that you believe in? Well, I'm really into issues. Yeah. Global warming's only getting worse. - So...- Great. Now, I think that would be...That's something to get involved now, so, we can just help ease the... Like, after us, in order to help for our future. In order for everyone... It's justa beneficial thing to be involved with now. I'm really into doing somethingmaybe for Africa. - Okay.- Is that still cool or... Saving some kind of extinct animal.What's going extinct right now? - I don't know, like elephants or something.- And then make bracelets? That's so bad. Never mind.I was gonna say make bracelets out of a... Make bracelets out of the extinct animal? That's not gonna really work though,because you need the... You can't take from the extinct animal. What's the coolest type of charityto get into at the moment? Save Dafar? - Save what?- Save Dafar. - Save Dafar, yeah.- Angelina Jolie. Is that in, like, Iraqi or something like that? Yeah, that's in the... It's in... Yeah. Yeah. Is there anywhere in the worldthat no celebrity has tried to fix? Darfur is the big one now. - Yeah, no, it is.- What's the new one? What's Dar-five? - Yeah.- Yeah. BRÜNO: Ich was going to become famousby solving a world problem. But which one? Clooney's got Darfur. Sting's got the Amazon,and Bono's got AIDS. Luckily, there was still one shitholeleft to fix, the Middle-earth. Mein Plan was to get both sides to signa peace deal in front of the world's press, making Brüno über famous. Hi, I love your hat. It's great. (BRÜNO SPEAKING SPANISH) Hey, great. Is that Marc Jacobs? (MAN YELLING) BRÜNO: Lutz! Lutz! Start the car! Lutz! Why are you so anti-hummus? I mean, isn't pita bread the real enemy? You're confusing Hamaswith hummus, I believe. - Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.- Do you think there is a relationbetween Hamas and hummus? So was the founder of Hamas a chef? He had created the foodand then got lots of followers. Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.It's a food. Okay? We eat it. They eat it. It's vegetarian. It's healthy. It's beans. Well, do you both agree on that? We both agree that hummus is very healthy. So we're making progress. Let's try and get a solution, right? 'Cause I'm not gonna be here forever.Will you, the Palestinians, agree to give the pyramids backto the Israelis? This is in Egypt. Not in Palestine. I don't care where you put them.Give them back. This is about gaining somethingfor your own people whether you believe it,whether you were convinced to do that. - But in any case...- All right, okay. Take it easy, girlfriend. - All right.- SELA: Civil rights... BRÜNO: If I did not get these queens to signa peace deal soon, I would not become famous. So I decided to think outsidethe Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung. I've written a song that I thinkis gonna help us make peace. In fact, I know it will. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) I've written a song that I hope is gonna bring you two together It's time for this war to end Jews and Hindus, you be friends This is the Middle East Creating love is my mission Don't kill each other Shoot a Christian Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace Yeah, a bit more than that. BRÜNO: Ich was out of options. My song hadn't worked, und I didn't haveenough ecstasy for everyone. Ich was ready to give upwhen I suddenly remembered something that the Jude had said. SELA: In the last few years,people were kidnapped, and then they wouldbroadcast it to the whole world. - To the whole world?- Yeah. So what, the whole world gets to see - these hostage videos?- Of course. Of course. BRÜNO: Ich would become famousby getting kidnapped. I am going to say somethingthat is gonna get you so angry that if you've got a gun on you,you're gonna pull it out - and shoot me in the head. Are you ready?- Yeah. Your hair is sun damaged. (MALE TRANSLATORSPEAKING ARABIC) I'll be honest with you. I want to be famous. And I want the best guys in the businessto kidnap me. Al-Qaeda is so 2001. I don't like. Can I give you guys a word of advice? Lose the beards, because your King Osama looks like a kind of dirty wizardor a homeless Santa. (SPEAKING ARABIC) (TRANSLATOR SPEAKING ARABIC) (SPEAKING ARABIC) TRANSLATOR: Get out. Get out now. BRÜNO: Ich was encouragedto leave the Middle East. But Brüno had a new plan. It involved stopping off in Africa on the way home for a little bit of shopping. (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN) (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) BRÜNO: Mein little afrikanischerFreund was going to get me on the cover of every magazine. Also, ich hired a top photographer und held a casting forthe hottest baby photo shoot ever. (CAMERA CLICKING) We're gonna do like this religious theme where my baby is gonna beon a crucifix playing Jesus even though my baby's black.So it's pretty cool, no? That's cool.It's kind of like that Madonna video. Yeah, it's really edgy.You know, we're turning it on its head. Why not? Come on. Whatever. So. We're looking for two thievesto be on the crucifixes next to my baby. Would you be ready for your babyto be strung up on a crucifix next to mine? Fine. Yeah, I don't mind herbeing up on a crucifix. Sure. Is your baby comfortable with bees,wasps and hornets? George is comfortable with everything.He's fine. Is he comfortable with deador dying animals? Yes. Great. Amateur science? What do you mean by that? You know, some untrained peopleconducting scientific experiments. - Should be fine.- You know, her mixing the pots of acid and that type... - Okay.- And so it's a yes. - Yes.- Great. Is she okay withextremely rapid acceleration? (LAUGHING) Yes. - Okay.- Yes. Does she always have to be in a car seat,or can she just, like, freestyle it? Yeah. You can freestyle it,put her in a car seat. Whatever. If it looks better without the car seat... Of course. Of course. So what? You're travelling fast.You're not gonna kill it. Of course. Of course. Is your baby finewith antiquated heavy machinery? Yeah, she's fine. She's been around that. Would she be fine to operate them? - Yes.- Great. Is your baby fine with lit phosphorus? Yes. Excellent. Does he like it? - Loves it.- Good. A little sensitive subject here.How much does she weigh? She's about 30 pounds. - Thirty pounds.- Yes. Approximately. Can Olivia lose 10 pounds in the next week? In the next week, seven days. Yeah. I'd have to do whatever I could. If there's a problem losing the weight, would you be ready to have Oliviaundergo liposuction? If that was a last resortand she didn't lose the few pounds, then, yeah, we'd have to do that. Great. Fantastisch news. We have chosen your babyto be dressed as a Nazi officer pushing a wheelbarrow with another babyas a Jew in it into an oven. Into an oven? Congratulations. How do you feel? - Great, if she got the job. That's great.- Yeah. (SINGING LULLABY IN GERMAN) (BOTH SINGING IN GERMAN) (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) O.J., you're going to be on television. (RAP MUSIC PLAYINGON HEADPHONES) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (EXCLAIMS) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (HONKS) Welcome back to Today with Richard Bey. Now, our next guest is a single parent.Please welcome Brüno. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Where are you from? I'm from Austria. Austria. And what are your impressionsof the American people? You see a lot of them out here. I gotta say, I love American people,and I love African-American people. You're the best. You guys are the best. All right, all right.Now, you are a single parent. - Yeah.- Most people think that a child should have two parents. It is, like, really difficult, you know, bringing up a child without another parent.Am I right? - Right.- Right. I'm hoping that I don't grow old alone.Am I right? WOMAN 1: True that. True that. I'm hoping that I find Mr Right. Am I right? - No!- No! WOMAN 2: No, no, no, no, no. Well, honey, you need to get it together.Sugar, you're lost and confused. - BEY: All right, now...- Listen, you're just jealous 'cause you know I can get any guy here. WOMAN 3: Go get them! (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING) BEY: You brought your son here today? - BRÜNO: That's right.- Can we see your son? Yeah, sure. MAN: No. No. BEY: All right, this is... (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING) - What?- Where did they allow you to get your baby from?Is your baby from Australia? I was in the Middle East, like,solving the crisis there. No big deal. Whatever. And I flew back here to America, und I stopped over in this countrycalled Africa, right? Africa is a continent, not a country, baby.Get it right. Well, it is full of African-Americans. It's full of Africans.It's full of people of African descent. No. That's a racist thing to call them.African-Americans is the right word. No. African-Americans are here. (AUDIENCE DISAGREEING) No, they're calledAfrican-Americans, girlfriend. No, fool. BEY: All right. So how did you find your son? I swapped him. WOMAN 1: You swapped him?WOMAN 2: What? (AUDIENCE CHATTERING) Swapped the baby for what? - For an iPod.- What? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Not just any iPod. One that was, like, limited edition, red.A U2 iPod. Heard of it? BEY: All right, but wait a second.You are the baby's father now. And you chose to dress that baby upin a T-shirt that says what? Gayby. That's not the baby's name, is it? No. I gave him, like,a traditional African name. So what's the baby's name? O.J. (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING) BEY: Stand up, please. I think you're using him as an accessory. I think maybe because he's a black babythat might be your cue, like how some people walk in the parkwith dogs to pick up girls, that might be your cueto get maybe a down-low brother. I don't know. What do you think? I gotta be honest. He's a real dick magnet. (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING) You brought some photographsthat you took with the child because... I guess to demonstratehow much you love the child. We're going to put them up on this screen. That's the first shot. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Let's see the next picture. You're gonna burn in hell for that one. That's some mess. All right. Do we have another photo,or is that the last one? There we go. What is going on here? If I'm having fun,I want little O.J. to come with me. I want him to have fun with me. BEY: Hold on. Hold on. What's that? - What is that?- BRÜNO: Someone's scared. - BEY: You're making the audience leave.- They are scared of the truth. Yes, ma'am? Stand up, please. Go ahead. Listen, I don't see how you can even walkout of here with that baby in your hands without someone stopping youand taking that baby out of your possession. All right, well, you know,there is a finale to this talk show. Please welcome Shatonya Migginsfrom the State Child Services Department. Take the baby. What would be the opinion,the legal opinion of the state, which is empowered to look after childrenand their welfare? This child is here illegally. No, it's not. I made a deal with the mother. And at this time, we're taking the childinto protective custody. - You are not doing that. You're not taking...- MIGGINS: The child is going... Get off me. That is my baby. Give him back! Give me my baby back! Give me my baby! Give him back! Come on! Back! Give me my baby back! O. J! Give me my baby! Give me my... Give me my baby! O. J! O. J! O. J! Give me my baby back! You want some pie today? Yeah. I haven't had any carbs for 15 years, since I was, you know, four years old. - Since you was four?- Yeah. Is that your boy? He's pretty. BRÜNO: That was my boy.He got taken away today. I'm so sorry. Gosh. What is he, about two? I think he was about, I don't know, six or... - Was he? Was he about that age?- I don't know. He could've been a midget.So he could have been 10. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LUTZ LAUGHS) (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN) (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN) (ALARM CLOCK RINGING) Good morning, cowboy. What's your name? (MUFFLED) Lutz. (SCREAMING) (SHOUTING IN GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (MUMBLES) (BRÜNO YELLING) BRÜNO: Get that out of my face. Move that out of my... No, Lutz. Hello? Engineering. Hello, I apologise for the state of the room. But can I assure you,the toilet is absolutely spotless. Can you look?The key, I think, is over there, just... No, I can't do this. Yeah, Brian, I need you up hereon 20 immediately. Well, no, it's two guyshandcuffed together on a bed. And there's some contraptionwith a dildo on the end of it. And they're asking...They've been staying at the hotel for a while and wanted to know if I can get the keyfor them because they can't get out of bed. I'm pretty freaking flipping right now. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) BRÜNO: Come in.MANAGER: Can you tell me what's going on? You were not meant to see this.You find the key, I can get out of this. Now, can you just look under that shelf... No. This is not what wassupposed to be going on in here. You're telling me, honey. I should be chained to a 6'4" Norwegianwith a PhD in sucking dick. That's not my concern. Okay, well, listen, one other thing. Can you switch off the television?Because I made a fart, and I am on the verge of buyingMr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium. That's unfortunate. No, but I refuse to payfor Mr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium. I did not press it. No, I'm afraid we are notgonna be doing that. Hey, listen, you. What's your name?Hi. What's your name? - No, don't even talk to me.- You're cute. You're like a Latino Paul Giamatti. - Hey, don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you.- Hey, girlfriend. (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Also, great. Maybe they can let us out. Excuse me, can you unlock us? Please.Hello? Can you unlock us? Please, can you unlock us? Please. My assistant's about to shiton my balls. (SIREN WAILING) What's going on here? BRÜNO: What does it look like, Paul Blart? Brüno. (EXCLAIMS) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (EXHALES) Brüno. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (THUNDER RUMBLING) BRÜNO: Ich was at a low point.Brüno had hit rock Arsch. Lutz had gone, und ich had onlynine Freunds left on MeinSpace. Lutz! Lutz! (WHIMPERING) (YELLS) BRÜNO: I was about to give upon my dream of celebrity, when suddenly it hit me. All the most famous stars in the world, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacey,they all had one thing in common. They were all straight. To become famous,I would have to quit guys. Ich just needed to finda cock-aholics anonymous. Things have got to change.I want to become straight. - Awesome.- Once I'm straight, can I still play the clarinet? If it doesn't remind youabout some of the behaviour that you engaged inwhen you put your lips around it. If it doesn't remind you of that,then I say go for it and play the clarinetwith everything inside of you. If it does remind you of that,then I say put it down, give it away, let a friend hold ituntil you know in your mind you're ready to pick it up againand it wouldn't remind you of that. Und what about ifI put a flute up my stinker? That... I wouldn't do that either because itwould remind you of the former lifestyle. So you don't put any woodwindinstruments up your Arschwitz. - Absolutely not. You know why?- Why? Because that would harm my body.That would hurt... - Only if you lose the reed.- Okay. Well, that would... That would be bad. Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to?Any bands? Sinead O'Connor. The Indigo Girls. Of course, the Village People. When I become straight,you know, a Kuntmeister, are there any new hobbiesthat I should take up? - Do you enjoy hiking? Lifting weights?- Sure. Man, there's nothing like just working out and lifting weightsand building your muscles around some other men who are not gay. I'm totally irresistible to gay guys.They see me und they want to schtupp me. - Right.- So how do I protect against those guys? If they get close to you,hit them and leave the situation. How do you spot the homosexual? Very hard to do. Because some of them don't even dressno different than myself or you. - Amazing.- You know? It's kind of like terrorists. If a terrorist has infiltrateda police department and he dresses like the policemen,how would you know that's him? What are obvious thingsthat we can look for? Obvious is a person that's beingextremely nice to them to start with. So if someone approaches you in the streetund is being very, very nice to you, you know that they are a homosexual? Most likely. How should I protect myselffrom being attacked by homosexuals? They probably would attack from behind. So, again, if I am a homosexual, and I'm just trying to run in und kiss you... - Boom! You done moved in the wrong range.- Right. Let's say the homosexualhas got you on the ground. Okay. Und the homosexual, you know,has got you down here. - Right.- I go to pull this down. - I want to lock this, lock this leg here.- Touching. - Yeah.- Hit with the elbow. Boom. As I roll across. How do you protect yourself from a dildo? So let's say I'm trying... Here, you know. Like that. You know? Und disarm the dildo? Yes. Is it harder to defend against a black dildo? - No.- Great. One is just as easy as the otherto defend against. - So, I'm attacking.- Boom. - Like that.- Let's say I go down and I... Trap it, work the knees. Work the elbows. How do you defend yourselfagainst the man with two dildos? Coming in. Here. Boom. Depending on his range. Boom.Then to his face. Boom. Okay? Kick around, boom. (PANTING) He can't do nothing from there. And if he's just runningwith his pants down? Here. Boom. And then to the eyes. - Homosexual attacking your bum.- Leg here. And then come in and break his arm.Take it here, take him out. Break his arms. Boom, break his ribs.Break his arms. Okay. Thank you very much. Fantastisch. - Okay.- It's very useful. That's just totally different thanwhat I've ever tried to, you know, work with. So you were never gay? It's ironic that you should haveamazing blow job lips. Well, these lips were made to praise Jesus. No, they were made for something else,but you're just not using it for them. Well... Are there any activities you suggest where I'll be surroundedjust by straight guys? (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) LEADER: Let's go! Let's go!ALL: Let's go! Let's go! (ALL EXCLAIMING) - Push ups! Sit ups!- Push ups! Sit ups! - Hurry up. Get in here.- Was? Make this bed. Hurry up. Make the bed. But do you have something,maybe a double... Make the bed! Could you hold the sheet over there? I'm not holding anything. - Get down. Get down.- Was? I said, get down! Do push ups. This line right here isa line that you don't cross. This is TAC Alley. TAC Officer's... You're in it again. This is my alley. I don't want to be in your alley. Yeah, well, get out of it.Your finger's in my alley. Not yet. By the way, where's your uniform?Go get your uniform on. Do it! Oh, my gosh. What's up with the scarf? That is, like, it's my own thing. Let me introduce you to somebody.Captain Miles. Candidate, what are you doing? Stand at the position of attention, candidate. - Do it! Do it!- Head and eyes straight forward, candidate. Head and eyes straight forward.Stand still, candidate. That is not part of the uniform, candidate.You need to take that off. This outfit is too matchy-matchy as it is, and so I was just trying to break it upwith some simple horizontal lines. Do you have an attitude, candidate?Do we detect an attitude? - Sir, she's got an attitude.- MILES: What? Sir Officer Candidate,did you just call me "she"? - Get down, candidate! Now!- Do it! What type belt is that, candidate? What is that? - D&G.- What is D&G? Dolce und Gabbana. Hello? - "Hello"?- "Hello"? - Front in the rest position.- Get down, you! Sir Officer Candidate,you deserve a medal for exceptional skin. What are you talking...What are you trying to say, candidate? Sir Officer Candidate, you could be a generalin the Bitch Army the way you're going. - Did you use profanity again?- Did you use profanity? But you're being really nasty. The OC guide states that I will notuse profanity while I'm at OCS. Yes, mein Führer. Yes, Officer Candidate. OFFICER: Hurry up!MAN 1: Hurry up! Let's go! MAN 2: Yeah, this is mine.MILES: You better help your buddy. (ALL SHOUTING) Get out of my TAC Alley. Get out of my TAC Alley. - Hurry up! Hurry up!- OFFICER: Move over there! (ALL YELLING) (HIGH-PITCHED YELLING) - Salute!- Salute with your right hand. OFFICER: Salute with your right hand. - That's not a salute.- That's not a salute. OFFICER: That's not a salute. Can I tell you about the personthat changed my life? Was it Karl Lagerfeld? No, actually, his name is Jesus.Jesus is in this room right now. He never leaves us. He never forsakes us.He's here. (WHISPERS) Amazing. That's exactly right. He's amazing. You want to be famous.You'll be one that's so famous, Brüno, you will prepare the wayfor other young men all over the world who want to come out of the homosexuallifestyle and make a change in their lives. And they'll say, "If Brüno can do it,then I can do it. "How did he change?How did you change, Brüno?" And they'll say, "It's Jesus. He changed me." But he wants to come intoyour heart right now. Are you ready to make that change? Are you hitting on me? No, I'm not. Okay, good, 'cause I just...That was, like, really hot, that whole speech. Are there any outdoor activities that I should doif I want to become straight? Absolutely. - Hi.- Hello. - Mike. Brüno.- Brüno. Hey. Great. - I'm Donny.- Brüno. Robert. - You ever been hunting?- BRÜNO: I've never killed an animal. Although, I did oncesuffocate a hamster in Mykonos. The women, eh? Do you prefer the vaginaor the mammary glands? - I prefer the vagina.- BRÜNO: Me, too. I love a woman with a vagina. Yeah. My favourite. Didn't see anything. We were just talking about vaginas. About what? Vaginas. The woman's vagina. Sharing storiesand saying how much we enjoy them. Yes. Really fantastisch. Really wonderful things. It's my favourite. (BRÜNO SCREAMS) This is wonderful. This is what rabbit look like. Look at the four of us.We are so like the Sex and the City girls. No, we aren't, either. Which one are you, Donny? I ain't any one of them. I'm Donny. That is such a Samantha thing to say. BRÜNO: I've never beenout of the city before. You haven't? How's it feel? I feel a bit vulnerable. You know, I'm 19 years old,I've got a perfect body. You know, I really don't want to wake uptomorrow morning und find that I'm torn in my Arschenholer. You probably ain't the only one. Me, either, definitely. Wow, there's so many stars in the sky. Full of them. Makes you think ofall the hot guys in the world. Do we all share one tentor what's more sensible? I hope not. (BRÜNO WHISPERING) (MIKE SPEAKING) (MIKE SPEAKING) (BRÜNO SPEAKING) (MIKE SPEAKING) (BRÜNO WHISPERING) (BRÜNO WHISPERING) (MIKE SPEAKING) (BRÜNO SPEAKING) All right, God damn it. BRÜNO: Reverend BJ found metoo much of a handful and put me in touch with one of his chums. You look decent in that. Look like a straight guy, how's that? (LAUGHS) Women are good for us. They're good even though they appear to usto be terribly conventional. ��And we find that somewhat irritating that they complain so much. - Right.- But we need that. We need many of the things that, at first glance,are annoying and irritating. And women often don't stick to the point. They're often talking about one thingand then another and then another, and they never get back to the first pointmaybe ever. I am repulsed by the ideaof making the sex with a woman. The important thing is to be around women, somewhat, that you find tolerableor interesting and give them a chance to seduce you. (DOORBELL RINGS) How did you get into it? We, actually, our first time was on our... (ALL LAUGHING) - Our honeymoon.- Yeah. Of all nights for us to swing,the first time was for our honeymoon. Und what is your favourite position? That would be missionary or reverse cowgirl. What's reverse cowgirl? Show me. I'll pretend to be the woman. Like, I'm sitting here, and... Yeah, and so, if I'm the woman...Don't worry. Yeah, so what? You'd be sitting like that, - and that's called reverse cowgirl.- Right. Right. And then when you're facing me,that's called cowgirl. This one here is cowgirl or reverse cowgirl? This is cowgirl. And then when you're turnedthe opposite way, it's reverse cowgirl. Und what other positions are there? - Power driver.- Right. Sixty-nine. But this is the girl's position. (INHALES DEEPLY) You don't want to be like thisif you're a guy. There's missionary, doggy style. So what's doggy style like? You'd be bent over, like a dog does it. Yeah. Like that? All right,and then what would you be doing? If you was a woman,I would be humping you. - No, show me.- (LAUGHING) I'm not gonna show you. - You're a man.- Don't be a faggot. (CHUCKLING) Come on. What's the big deal?It's just a couple of guys. I'd be humping you like that. Wow, I can't wait to do this to a woman. (LAUGHS) (WOMAN MOANING) Anybody want a sandwich or something? (MOANING) Yeah. Great. Very good. You've got great hair actually. - Thank you.- Yeah. (EXHALES) That was great. - Oh, yeah.- Good boy. (WOMAN MOANING) Fuck, yeah. You're doing a great job. Thank you. Come on, Jack, look me in the eyes. Look me in the eye. You can do this. (LAUGHS) Dude. (MAN LAUGHING) Why would he look you in the eyeswhen he's looking at a pussy? - Why would he look you in the eyes?- No, no. Just for concentration. - He does not look in a guy's...- I don't need you for concentration, okay? - Look her in the eye.- This is a fucking swingers party. Okay? If you don't want pussy,if you don't want fucking... - No, I want...- Then quit fucking touching me and quit telling meto look at you in the eye. Okay? I didn't come herefor no fucking queer shit. Okay? - Me, neither.- Okay. - Let's keep it at that then.- Cool. This is a fucking swingers party.Right, guys? JACK: I see what the fuck you're doing, dude. - Hi.- JACK: Did he not try to pull - that queer shit on you out there?- Hi. How you doing? JACK: I don't need this motherfuckertouching me on the back, telling me to look himin the fucking eye. Right? - I was just going to the kitchen.- I know, yeah. Come on. What's this shit? Let's take this off. Let's maybe we getto know each other a little. - I think you broke that, actually.- I don't give a fuck. Yeah, there is...Let's get to know each other a little bit first. (EXCLAIMS) Know each other? What? You must produce a lot of milk. I don't want you to do somethingthat you'll regret. You wake up tomorrow, you've lostyour virginity, and you feel ashamed. You know, let's take this a little slower. - We should reschedule.- Sit the fuck down. Sit the fuck down. Don't fuck around! No, let's do this the right way. (BOTH EXHALE) I go, and I sit down with your father,we talk about this. - lf he gives his permission...- What? Would you quit being a little bitch here and take your little briefs offbefore I fucking rip them? Wait. Yes. - Yeah.- Fine. - Thanks.- Okay. Great. I don't like this little shit. Yes, well, I want to really makethis heterosexual sex. It's going to be fantastisch! Do as I say. Take that fucking shit off now! (WHOOPS) - Don't... You fold them.- (EXCLAIMS) Fuck. You gotta fold that neatly.You don't treat suede like that. It stains. Sit the fuck down. Take it off! I've got an idea.Let's play a little bit of dress-up here. It will be erotisch. What is this?You gonna dress me like a man? No, it's just a beard. - Am I supposed to wear a beard?- It's just a... Come on, it will be fun. I don't need a beard. Take it off! Now! Once you put the... (EXCLAIMING) - Fuck! Take it off.- Okay. I'm... - Okay, I'm going to do this.- Right now! Get on your fucking kneesand suck my spike here, bitch. Okay. Help! Don't fuck around! BRÜNO: Don't call me gay! I'm gonna become straight.I'm gonna become über straight. I'm gonna be the straightest manwho's ever lived. Und then I'll be famous.You'll see. You'll see. (DISTANT CHEERING) (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) What's up, Arkansas?How's everybody doing? You guys ready to seea little ass kicking tonight? (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY) Make some noise, everybody.Put your hands together. Make some noise for the host of the brand-new TVshow,Straight Dave's Man Slammin' Maxout. Give it up for Straight Dave! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Straight Dave. Straight Dave. (CHEERING) (SHOUTING) Are you ready forsome man-slamming action? Who's ready foran old-fashioned heterofest? Are you 100% hetero like me? Who out there is proud to be straight? Let me hear you say straight pride. - Straight pride.- Straight pride. Straight pride. - Straight pride.- Straight pride. I am so straightthat when I bought my house, the first thing I didwas brick up the back door. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You know why?Because my asshole's just for shitting. Let me hear you say that. - My asshole's just for shitting.- My asshole's just for shitting. It's great to have an eveningwith straight people. It's great not to have any fags here. MAN: You're a faggot! Who called me a faggot? Whoever called me a faggot come up here,and I'll beat your Arsch. Who called Straight Dave a faggot?Come up here. Let him in. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY) Who wants to see me beat this fag's ass? Who wants me to beat this... Fuck him up! Get him, motherfucker! (BOTH GRUNTING) Beat his fucking ass! Kick his ass! (SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Fucking fag! - Homo! Queer fags!- Motherfuckers! (EXCLAIMING) Stop! Stop! Get out of my town. You all are sick. Tell him we don't have no faggots herein Arkansas. Take that shit somewhere else. You pussy-ass faggot motherfucker! (SHOUTING) - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit! - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit! (SPEAKING MANDARIN) BRÜNO: The footage went everywhere,und Brüno became über famous. (CHATTERING) As for Lutz,we decided to get married in California. But because of the law,we had to be a bit inventive. I feel this is the biggest stepyou'll ever make in your lifetime. - It's a very big moment.- That's right. Am I going to be able to meet herbefore we actually start? Sure. I... I don't marry two men or two women. If she's a man,then how did it give birth to our son? You gave birth to a little black child? (IN FALSETTO) Yes. When did you have the baby? I don't even know whyI'm asking that question. BRÜNO: But even thoughmarriage was a nicht-nicht, we weren't gonna let it get us down. We were happy. We had each other. And we had O.J. back, although he did cost us a MacBook Pro. Plus, ich was now so famous that I was able to recordmein very own charity video. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) I've written a song that I hope is gonnabring the world together Put down your guns and bombs and just make love forever Okay, then. He's come to heal the world and make all nations calmer I am the Austrian Jesus He is the white Obama He's the white Obama War's just based on hate and fear Stop fighting, North and South Korea You're both basically Chinese And he's Brüno, dove of peace Hey, yo, Brüno, where the bitches at? BO TH: You are Brüno, dove of peace SNOOP DOGG: You do it, fashion modelYou got the cute hos ALL: You are Brüno, dove of peace (SNIFFS) You know, I love black guys.I'm a chocoholic. ALL: Du bist Brüno, dove of peace Brüno wants peace. Either we gonna have peace,or we gonna have motherfucking war. I have a dream for the Third World Clean water, food and teaching In every village and every town a place for anal bleaching We need to rid the world of hunger I'm like Bono, except much younger He's only Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace Hey, hey, he gay, he gay Okay. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

dont mess with the zohan

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