#and pretending is killing you

[amethysttribble]

Father had personally asked Feanor to stand for this portrait, so he was. Father had quietly suggested that perhaps this could be a painless exercise, which did not actually mean ‘painless’ but rather ‘silent’ for Feanor, but he agreed. Father told him this painting did not symbolize anything but his own desire to have a record of all his available loved ones around him, and Feanor was trying to see it that way- for the sake of his own sanity.

Because his stomach was roiling, and there was a heaviness in his chest, a great emptiness which his heart was pounding against, echoing, echoing, echoing.

Father had one hand on Feanor’s shoulder and the other was upon Indis’s. She was sat in front of them, smiling beautifully, little golden-haired Arafinwe in her lap. Around them, her three dark-haired children were gathered. Findis on Father’s other side, Nolofinwe with her, and Lalwen in front of Feanor.

To the unaware eye, Feanor knew, they must all look like they matched. Like they went together correctly. Like a family.

When the portrait was complete and those dark haired children were gathered around the mother and father, who would guess that one child was out of place? Who might glance at all that paint representing their faces and think anything but-

You could almost be her son, Feanor thought, and then his mind replied, But you’re not.

He was so still and he dared not move, because if he did, he’d never get back in place. If Feanor flinched once, the sharp, jagged pieces of him that never fit right in this puzzle would scratch one of them. They’d be annoyed and that would be it: he’d combust in anger, he’d shatter across the floor, snapping and snarling at everyone unnecessarily until he ruined their perfect little scene. Father said this might be a painless exercise. No, no; this was to be a silent, still exercise.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

How good a painter was this person Father hired? How varied his faces? Would he capture that Feanor’s nose resembled that of none of the people here? Could he represent that his frame was already different from his father and little half-brother’s?

Would he lie and throw a pleased smile on Feanor’s face? Not even Father had asked him to smile.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

Feanor’s presence made them fit together so symmetrically, maybe that was pleasing enough to hide the wrongness of this scene. Maybe that’s why Father made him come here today, the pretty scene. Why he asked him to suffer, even as the longer he stood here, the more and more Feanor felt like he was about to be sick all over the floor.

A ghost, a ghost, there was a ghost looming over their shoulders ruining this perfectly symmetrical scene. Couldn’t they feel her breathing down their necks, icy chill against sweat? Didn’t their perfectly posed heads feel her long, clever fingers wrapped lovingly around their necks?

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

Feanor’s gaze slipped down to the back of Indis’s head. Her beautiful golden hair. She didn’t wear a crown, this was a family portrait, and that felt worse. So much worse.

If he let his eyes unfocus and his mind wander, he could try to lie to himself that her hair was much lighter and the faces of the children around them more closely resembled his own. The woman in front of him loved him, and she fussed over his hair before they sat for this portrait, and he’d let her do it.

The worst part was Feanor did know that Indis would help him with the ties of his robes, if only he let her.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

She’s not, she’s not, she’s not. It was a simple statement of fact. It was scandal enough that the father replaced the wife, when one at least chose a wife, but what freak replaced his own mother?

What would the people who saw this portrait think? Would they see Finwe’s happy family or would they see Feanor’s blaring, uncomfortable intrusion upon what gods and men declared to be a better order of things? Father wanted him to belong here, but he didn’t.

He just didn’t.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

A painless exercise. Painless, painless, painless, for them. Silent, still Feanor, a happy accessory to the triumphant union of Finwe and Indis, a grateful stray dog permitted to drink from the bowls provided by Indis’s family.

This exercise was just meant to capture the image of all Finwe loved, nothing more. Don’t think too hard about it, Feanor. You might make the children unhappy.

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

You should pretend you are, though. That’ll make them like you.

Because they did so disdain him, most of the time. They disliked how he glared at their mother and started fights at family dinners and ignored them in the hallways. Why shouldn’t they? Feanor would hate a person who did those things to his family, too.

He just couldn’t stop, though. He wanted to, sometimes, when the exhaustion and loneliness caught up, and then he remembered that he wasn’t Indis’s son and never would be, and remembering that made him angry. Wouldn’t it just be so damn convenient for them all if he was almost her son?

But he wasn’t.

He was Miriel’s son. That was her name. He had no portrait with her. He loved her.

He loved Miriel, but it was Indis he posed with and-

When the session was done, Feanor jerked away from his father and shoved his way past Lalwen. As he went, Indis looked up at him, caught his eye, and he couldn’t help the sneer that crossed his face.

He hoped that was painless enough for her.

When he returned to his chamber, he went to the wash room and heaved in the pot there. The gagging and retching made wetness prick his eyes, and the sudden tightness of throat made him choke all the harder. The sickness and heaving stayed long past when there was anything in his stomach to lose.

No one came. Feanor hoped maybe Father would, but really, why would he? Feanor had been mostly good, just a little rudeness wasn’t worth either reprimand or comfort.

No, they were together. Maybe admiring their portrait, happy and pleased, or complaining about his behavior again. Really, why couldnt that Curufinwe just accept nice things?

I need to get out of here, Feanor thought, face and body wet with both sweat and tears. I need to leave this place.

He was a good son, and he could do anything else his father wanted but betray his mother any more.

Feanor couldn’t pose as Indis’s son even a second longer. He would destroy himself, if he had to think one more time-

You could almost be her son. But you’re not.

#I understand what it’s like to be surrounded by people all telling you that you belong and it’s okay and just /be nice/ #just play ball and settle and you can everything in the world #but you know you don’t belong #and you never will #and pretending is killing you #you won’t you can’t and you’re just so fucking sick of them pretending you can fit if you’re just /nice enough/ #because they’re lying to you and themselves #just don’t be angry?? omg why are you angry? stop being angry and enjoy what we say you should want teehee #anyway I love feanor and don’t think he should have just gotten over his mothers death #tolkien #the silmarillion #feanor #tribble post #fanfic

[willowcrowned]

very funny that i still think of tumblr as being relaxing because sometimes I’ll come on this site and my eyes will immediately be assaulted by a string of words that even monkeys with typewriters would be sent to hell for and I’ll just have to deal with that

#not even going to pretend this isn’t about anyone specific #ellie I am going to KILL you #tunglr #willow's greatest hits

[sergle]

when ppl’s “body positive/plus size” art just starts and ends with a big ass

#nothing else? nothing else at all #no other characteristics? hokay #girl that's not a plus sized person that's kim kardashian. i'll fucking KILL you #sergle.txt #like this is positive for no body. this is just regular horny. don't try and tell me this is body posi #like that's fine if you just wanna be horny. call it what it is and stop pretending like you're doing me a favor #draw a stomach for christ's sake

[bixels]

Always an experience watching the leftism leave FNAF fans when someone mentions that Scott Cawthon financially backed fascist politicians.

The switch from posting hardline leftist tweets about boycotts and signal boosts and critical takedowns of politicians and celebrities to ‘ohhh, well. everyone makes mistakes. who can blame him, listen he. he donated money to gay charities too. that makes it ok! a millionaire in his forties is allowed to have political beliefs. does it even matter? just let it go!’ is whiplash inducing. The antivaxxer celebrities have got to go, but this one horror dev who quietly handed wads of cash to antivax lawmakers? He’s chill, he can stay.

The charity thing is so funny too because suddenly utilitarian positive-negative point counting is the way to go. Maybe an abacus would help calculate the net good of donating to the Trevor Project minus donating thousands of dollars to Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump. -10 points if I push a kid in a lake but +11 points if I help an old lady across the street, so I’m chill. You can’t judge me. Hey, maybe. Just don’t push a kid in the lake period. How fucking low is the bar when we’re excusing maxing out the possible dollar amount of donations to Mitch fucking McConnell. That should be like. Default you’re a bad person.

#delete later #personal #not art #rant #you can still be a fan of fnaf 100% but god you’re not obligated to defend its creator #don’t pretend like Scott is cool #“’Scott likes gay people he only voted for trump for his fiscal and defense policies in defendi america from terrorists!’ #kid. that’s not good either. #fiscal conservatism kills people too. #the whole thing exposes how weak some leftists are to the image of the ‘well-mannered right wing republican.’ the type who would #respectfully disagree with your right to exist with a kind top of the hat #‘as long as you silently hate me and force a nice smile while shaking my hand it’s ok’ #this is why jk Rowling is hated while Scott gets a free pass. just have to hide your hate well enough and liberals will excuse you ig

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

broke: haru hates akechi and doesn't talk to him ever again after he comes back

woke: haru chooses to be kind without forgiveness and akechi doesn't know how to live with her genuine compassion because it'd be so much easier if she hated him instead

#sera posts #of course there'd be resentment and other complicated emotions I don't want to oversimplify or reduce haru to her kindness #but I just think thats such a more interesting dynamic to explore than 'haru doesn't talk to him' like!!! #haru choosing kindness and akechi Not Getting It. he wants her to hate him bc it's easier and simpler and he doesn't have to #live with the girl whose father he killed in his life. but haru says no. you don't get to leave my life and pretend I don't exist #you don't get the satisfaction of my hate. her kindness is a weapon!!!

[nostalgicish]

he’s literally babygirl

edit: new pfp :)

#i love my canonically lgbt poc disabled veteran little guy #can you guys believe they originally wanted to kill him off permanently #i’m so sorry for everything they did to u takashi shirogane #u deserved the world and more #voltron #vld #takashi shirogane #vld shiro #my art i guess #do i know anything abt shading ?? no. pretend that i do tho

[hylialeia]

everyone who doesn't include the full quote when mocking GRRM's "what was Aragorn's tax policy" rhetorical question owes me $200

#we as a society need to move past this 'lotr is above criticism' mindset #'grrm totally missed the point of lotr!!' no YOU missed the point of that quote and also asoiaf #how does no one include the 'what did they do with the rest of the orcs? did they kill the little baby ones too?' part? #the point isn't dismissive of tolkien it's critical of modern fantasy's tendency to avoid these questions #and opt instead for a black and white conflict that doesn't examine the humanity on either side #grrm has gone on about how he admires tolkien. taking a quote that expresses his desire for fantasy to expand and explore #and claiming it's some sort of faux intellectualism just because it makes you uncomfortable #is incredibly small minded and harmful actually and I'm sick of pretending it's not #asoiaf

[gay-otlc]

I wish everyone harassing random people (esp Jews) on the internet about Palestine a very have you actually done anything to help? Have you donated anything? Have you signed petitions or called lawmakers? Have you attended protests? Have you taken any tangible actions to support and aid Palestine?

Obviously I understand if there are things you aren't in a position to be able to do, but that doesn't mean you should harass people just to feel like you're doing something. That's still not helping anyone in Palestine at all.

#israel/palestine #i haven't had any recent harassment abt this (yet) but it was on my mind #if all you're doing to 'help' is telling jews on tumblr to kill themselves you're not helping. don't pretend like you are

[vacant2007]

#tc #traumacore #cw traumacore #traumacore edit #trans trauma #ventcore #vent edit #actuallyabused #actuallytraumatized #vent art #vent artwork #my stuff #my edit #cw vent #yknow when its like the people who are supposed to love you could kill you and nobody with any power is gonna help you etc #so you just have to pretend to be an entirely different person just to survive #i try not to think about the reality of my trans experience for more than 5 seconds bc i want to blow my brains out whenever i do

[fauvester]

little moshang fan kid <3

spoiled, aloof, a bit of a bitch, terminally 'weak constitution'-ed, lowkey lazy, prefers reading his dailies in the office and pretending to do paperwork to fighting

#svsss #moshang #he DOES grow up and becomes a respectable demon prince eventually. but hes a cold disinterested spoiled brat as a teen #shang qinghua rides his ass because he KNOWS that hes slacking on the paperwork that hes pretending to do #but unfortunately thats His Baby and he cant be TOO strict (this attitude not extended towards binghe... sad) #crawling out of mirrors like The Grunge to scare the transmigrated soul out of uncle sqq #he got his love of shiny shiny jangly accessories from aunt sha hualing #when he was a baby everyone in court was trying to poison him for political reasons #but didnt realize that since hes only half demon full demon poisons wont kill him #so for years moshang just thought their kid had like. horrible IBS. lack toast and tolerance that almost kills you #and even now as a young man hes like.... ah... sadly my body is too frail to go on ceremonial monster hunts with father.. #my greatest love language for a series..... making fankids #his fighting style is Very elegantly avoiding all attacks. poor MBJ like JUST STAND TALL AND TAKE A HIT LIKE A FUTURE DEMON KING #his poor firstborn son like Why would I do that. getting beaten up is very unpleasant. i would personally like to avoid that

[pseudophan]

i'm starting to think some of you sincerely thought stede abandoned his kids to become a pirate just because he really likes boats

#like why are you shocked he's into all the pirate stuff lmao what #he's clearly still distraught about killing people but like.. hes also kinda into it lets not pretend here #ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd spoilers

[lover-of-mine]

Buddie Countdown to Season 7:

25 days.

#911 #buddie #911edit #buddieedit #911 on fox #911 fox #911 abc #evan buckley #eddie diaz #my edit #buddies7 #911hiatus2023 #otp: you don't need to pretend with me #usercam #ngl i lowkey hate the quality of these #my computer was being weird rendering it #i went thro 4 different compressions to get the colors right #but that KILLED the quality #and i am annoyed™️ #911verse

[ellmovy]

ghosts said i'm gonna cater to your exact taste in media and you're gonna be so emotional about it

#“you're sweet kitty you don't have to pretend” KILLED ME #bbc ghosts #bbc ghosts fanart #my art

[tollsoftheclockwerkbelle]

what gets me about the shadow/maria dynamic is that it takes the trope of "weak helpless girl dies for a tragic plot device" and subverts it

Maria wasn't helpless in her fate. She did have a choice. Shadow would have been strong enough to protect them both (Where else could they even go? Would he need to hurt someone?) but instead she made a choice to protect Shadow.

Shadow's story isn't tragic because he failed to protect Maria and now spends the rest of his life tormented over it. Shadow's story is tragic because he is the strongest creature alive, but raw power isn't always enough, and his loving friend made a sacrifice to let him go hoping she was giving him a chance to learn compassion because she was strong!

Maria's purpose isn't that she's a weak little girl who dies. Maria's legacy is that she protects the strongest creature alive, and teaches it the strength of love.

Her character gives the moment purpose, not the other way around. Her willingness to die so he can go free, asking him to use his strength to protect the people of Earth, despite everything. It's her proof of love that gives Shadow's burden that kind of extreme weight. Shadow will live forever and with so much limitless power, would life be easy to discard without a second thought? Not Maria's. Not when she asked him to protect it. That weight will remind him, always.

#shadow the hedgehog #maria robotnik #sonic movie 3 #ill just be really super bummed if they miss the point of her death ig #dont dismiss her as just the sad little girl who gets killed and decide that isnt good enough for her character #it can mean SO much if you are big brained. dont waste the moment by pretending it shouldnt happen #i love “maria lives" aus. i will eat that shit up ALL DAY #but THEY feel so good because i know THIS is what she did for him. this is how much she loved him #ok?

[ashipiko]

DANCE WITH ME YOU LI-IA-IAR ♡

OVERBLOT ASHI??? ANYBODY??? the ANGST that this baby can store!!! SHEESH!!!!!!! <3 I only have one post dedicated to her and liar dance lyric analysis (the post is kinda outdated in gen) BUT…… I also have an overblot monologue as a treat 🫶 I wanted to better explain her angst and so!!! BABAM!!! enjoy

ASHI’S MONOLOGUE:

Sometimes I wonder why I ended up here.

A place named “Twisted Wonderland”, and at a school named “Night Raven College”.

At first, I figured that I was the odd one out— Y’know, the Ramshackle prefect and everything. The magicless girl at the magical all boys school? Nuts, ain’t it?

I’m known for a lot of things. Things that are different from the others. The fact that I stand out is part of the Ashi charm, something I’m known for.

But… Over time I found myself sorta feeling in place here.

Because as much as I try to believe it, I can’t safely say that I’m better than anyone else here.

I’m a fake. I make conversation and lots of friends, but for what? A backup in case something goes wrong? A sense of protection for my reputation? In what case are any of those friendships something I truly want? In what case are any of these strings more than just a tool instead of a thread made of my real feelings?

Behind this, I’m no different from any other student here. Even through my individuality, my cheerfulness, my endearing oddness… I’m still a horrible person. Using people to get what I want, toying with people and their feelings in order to gain power and gain a spot the top. All to become untouchable. It’s screwed. It’s not right.

My insides are ugly. The truth of me is something I want to keep tucked away deeply, because I don’t want people to see this part of me. A brash, annoying, selfish version of me, everything people hate to see. I don’t want this side of me to be seen because people will run away— people I don’t care much about, sures, but people I love, too. I don’t want to drive them away. So I keep quiet and give them a shallow show.

I give them a source of entertainment that’s controlled by the real me, every calculated movement translating into a marionette-like response. The only show I allow you to see is one that’s so carefully crafted by the chaotic clown backstage. The one that is shunned away from the light, the strings being the only hint of the puppet’s phony existence to the foolish audience.

But suddenly, I feel as if being here has started to let this side of me come crawling back into the spotlight.

It scares me.

It scares me to be vulnerable, let all of my faults lay out on the table like playing cards. To take the risk without the protection, to gamble everything I’ve built up away just like that. But you…

You.

You make me feel safe. You make me feel as if I don’t need to hide anything. I can give you the key to my heart and you would have no malicious intent. You wouldn’t cut out the parts people don’t like. You would enjoy the performance in full, every bit of it.

You make me believe that I’m nothing special, and yet something so valuable at the same time.

It’s silly. You’re silly. And yet that’s something that’s helped me.

It’s helped me realize that that truly is just how people are.

We aren’t villains. We aren’t antagonists. We aren’t monsters.

We are nothing but people, with faults and feelings that should be valued.

I am more than just a jester, a sake of entertainment.

I’m a person who is entirely worthy of love. All of me.

It reminds me that I must’ve came here for a reason.

Because this is where I belong.

#they drive me nuts. tbh #PLEASE LISTEN TO LIAR DANCE ITS SOOOOOOOOOO #!!! envy baby is also a big Ashi OB song #it’s so fun. she’s so fun #if you can’t tell her overblot works in like….. she IS the blot monster. or the (real) Ashi AKA the jester is #if she represents the true Ashi then the marionette Ashi represents what she pretends to be/puts out into the world #so even if you’re attacking the jestershi and the more antagonistic seeming of the two…… all you’re doing is feeding into the blot itself #as you’re doing what ashi’s afraid of— berating the real her #the solution is to kill the marionette!!! btw!!!!! and that’s what ace does #DW THEY ARE SO FINE AND OK. NO ISSUES HERE #ashace my beloved #ace trappola #ace trappola x oc #twst ace #twst yume #twst #twisted wonderland #twst oc #twst wonderland #disney twst #twst yuu #twst oc x canon #ashipiko draws ♪ #twstshi #I DONT THINK I REALLY POST ABOUT ASHACE LORE A LOT #APRY FROM LIKE? THE FIC ITS IUST SILLIES #so I hope you guys enjoy!!!!!!

[ghostespresso]

staff logging on to tumblr dot com today

#staff sweetie i Promise you an algorithm would kill this webbed site #changing the way reblogs look/work would Absolutely kill this webbed site too #this is a Blogging Platform i dont want it to be like tiktok or twitter jesus #if you NEED to change something literally listen to the the Tumblr Users you pretend you cant hear #if money is what you need make your userbase Happy and you should be fine #the shop is fine blaze posts are fine ad free subscriptions are fine but dont get rid of shit that Works For You in favor of making money #someone really laced up their clown boots today im. so tired staff please dont #tumblr staff #EDIT: staff updated their original post to say we were all misunderstanding but #that doesnt stop the post from being stupid #the whole post was worded for Investors and then presented to the userbase #if you say 'we have big changes planned!' and dont put in the 'as options' its Your Fault that people read it as 'were changing everything' #staff isnt stupid. they know how they Should have worded it better than what they did #so yeah. someone Did lace up their clown boots before they hit post #edit pt 2 lol for the record i dont think tumblr would actually go through with all their changes in that post #they know how the userbase is and there are A Lot of us #i just dont like how? idk. condescending? the post sounded #and out of every place on the internet being being burned alive in the name of money #tumblr is the one place i know enough about to be Actually mad at lol #ive really liked some stuff staff has done in recent years #but talking to your userbase that way wasnt one