Bacon cooked to perfection ft. Chef Michael Petit-Vagues
That's my cat Tigerlily. Chef Mike is the microwave. Petit-Vagues? Microwaves?
Chipotle mayo, or to use it's French name Aioli 🟠. Then red onion 🟣 and mystery jalapenos 🫑. Why are they a mystery? Because they were a quick pickle not pressure treated, so they only last 10 days but we didn't put a date on the jar. Microwavd bacon 🥓 on mustard 〽️.
Pile on the Cajun chicken 🐔 . I bought 400 grams of this deli meat, because I'm stupid I forgot 400 grams was almost A POUND OF CHICKEN. So instead of my usual 4 slices I'm having 6 slices, gotta use it up.
"I could get used to this" says guy who's made a Cajun chicken club sandwich for 3 days straight.
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You can’t bring a pig in here
It’s not a pig it’s a ferret a severely deformed ferret I grant you so severely deformed that it looks a little bit like a pig
It looks exactly like a pig
Ha it has been remarked upon in fact just as John hurt is known as the elephant man, bacon sandwich here is known as the pig ferret
Bacon sandwich that’s a funny name for a ferret
Ha that’s where I had you fooled coz it’s not a ferret it’s a pig
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Johnny Rockets - Minneapolis, MN - Mall of America
I am sitting here with a warm buzz caused by equal parts of an alcoholic beverage whose recipe I shamelessly ripped from a gaming bar & grill in Wichita, KS, copious amounts of snuggling with friends I met up with here at a wedding here in MN, and a shower. The aforementioned wedding preceded the newly wed bride dragging us all over Minneapolis including to the Mall of America where we of course hit the food court to gas up before m̶̩͈͊ơ̷̈́ͅr̷̳̒̒e̵̟̼͐ ̷̢̤͂͝s̵̡̙̈ḩ̴̱̅̇õ̸̟͔p̸̗̣̈p̵̩̠̿̈î̶͚̌n̴̰͓̽g̶̼̒ͅ.
I'm not a big fan of big preambles in recipes or food reviews, but alas, this is not necessarily a review in the traditional sense, it is the semi-coherent articulation of a 20-something autistic man who just wants a good burger every now and again, and should be read as such. That aside, to put it succinctly, I am known for having complex Opinions(tm) on burgers.
That said, again, I don't like big preambles so with that hopefully minimalistic contextualizing preamble out of the way: Johnny Rockets has, hands down, the best bacon and cheddar sandwich I've ever had, which allegedly had beef in it.
Originally I went on an increasingly inane and unhinged tirade about my distaste for mayonnaise, my desire to refer whichever fast food executive decided it should replace ketchup as a default condiment for burgers to several therapists, and ultimately comparing the burger-consumption-ruining experience of finding mayo on a burger and having to get rid of the vegetables to be rid of the mayo to the dreadful realization of how fucked up my family dynamic is that I found myself glad that the only person in my nuclear family to show up to my grandmother's funeral days before the wedding was my father (her son-in-law).
To dilute that frustration into a more digestible nugget of information: I hate mayo for reasons far beyond its taste because if I ever forget my learned survival instinct of saying "no mayo" even when there is no indication there will be mayo, I end up having to get rid of vegetables that lend flavor, aroma, and much-needed texture to the burger, I end up with a burger that reduces to a meaty slurry after a few chews. The menu at Johnny Rockets had several other burgers list mayo as an ingredient, but not for the Bacon Cheddar. The BC, despite this, came with mayo. I could ramble on about how much of this was my fault or the restaurant's, or how much this fucks up the experience of eating the burger, but I already partly rewrote this post after doing just that so instead I'll leave it at that and continue evaluating what I ended up eating for what it was.
So, with my sanity somewhat grounded by that much needed abridging of mayo-related grievances, was there anything to be salvaged from this experience? Yes, actually. The bacon and cheddar were of excellent quality. The bacon was chewy and salty and the cheddar mild, melty, and complimenting the texture and taste of the bacon quite well. Unfortunately, this palette of pork and cheese was so delectable and overwhelming that it was the palette of the burger. The beef, at best, lent a texture in the initial bite that was effectively lost after chewing for a second thanks to the absence of vegetables that were removed in the process of scraping out the mayo.
It was at this point that I really relied on the fries and shake to salvage this experience, which they did. The fries were nice and crispy, not over-salted, and the milkshake... Well, milkshakes are pretty hard to mess up, aren't they? Congratulating this restaurant on creating a milkshake that kept this escapade from being a violently disappointing upset to my day is sort of like congratulating someone on driving to work without causing a traffic accident. It's expected, it's hard to mess up, and yet it happens often enough to be a common concern.
That said, in the last few bites of the burger I finally found one that allowed the taste of the beef into the palette. Finally, I was able to gauge the quality of the beef itself.
It was alright. The distinct tang of frozen beef was absent so I presume the patty was made from fresh beef, albeit maybe not one of particularly high quality.
All in all the Bacon Cheddar burger at Johnny Rockets is the best cheddar and bacon sandwich I've had, but as a burger it is so consummately mid because there is just nothing else really of note to it.
That said, I do plan on hitting up a burger joint on my way out of MN/on my way back into my current base of operations that has recently struck a significant chord with me, so I will probably make a similar post to this around that time.
Just remember, I'm not a food critic, I'm just a guy who considers mayonnaise a violation of the Geneva Conventions and really fucking loves a good burger, which in my next post you will come to understand as a low-key curse to my existence. Either way, I hope you enjoyed tagging along with this journey equal parts asinine and spiritual as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Next time I'll be sure to grab pictures since this was VERY impromptu by comparison to future plans. Just think of the lack of pictures to break up the monotony of text as an avant-garde analogy for the absence of vegetables to break up the monotony of the meat and cheese texture. I'm also contemplating making a tier list of 48 different root beers I got after blacking out at Minnesota's allegedly largest candy store which, much to the greek tragedy of my disappointment, did not have big Toblerones, so maybe look forward to that too.
Catch you next time,
--BurgerPunk
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