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popculturebuffet · 2 years

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Valentine’s Double Wedding Spectacular Part 1: Aunt May and Otto Octavius (ASM 130-131) (Nominated by WeirdKev27, Selected by Readers Like You)

Hello all you happy lovers, dreamers and me! I”m Jake I review cartoons and comics. Dearly beloved we are gathere here today to get through this thing called life.. specifically by me taking a look at one of the most infamous bits of one of my faviorite superheroes historys. It’s time to webswing to get the private compound full of gangsters on time, i’m taking a look at the wedding of Aunt May and Doc Ock.

As for why, a few weeks back I ran a poll, letting my patreons pick options, and myself picking one or two, as the danny phantom one I did for January was a massive success. And since despite being a longtime superhero fan with a deep and sometimes weird knowledge of superhero comics I hadn’t reviewed a ton of them on here, I decided to do something special to rectify that: superhero weddings. THere’s tons of them, and your decent support means i’ll be doing this again next year. So I picked one, had my patreons pick one each, and that’s not a one off: if you join my patreon you too can pick an option for any poll I do every time. And i’ts not expensive: just one dollar gets the job done and while 5 , if your feeling saucy, gets you a guanteed review a month. So if you want me to review that time spider-man’s car wanted to murder him

Anyway the results were a tie, a tie I coudln’t break because i’d voted in the poll (Something I won’t be doing again so I can break it in good faith if there’s a tie), and rather than do a coin flip or something arbitrary that would render your votes moot, I simply decided

So your getting Spidey’s aunt nearly marrying a supervillian first and then Gambit literally stealing his friends failed wedding next week for the day itself.

Now we’re clear let’s talk about this story. It’s a weird trivia beat that comes up now and again both with fans and in canon.. particularly that time Peter ended up in ock’s dying body and found a sex memory of him boning his aunt.. excuse me for a moment.

But how did these two crazy kids end up together? How did Peter manage to prevent his at the time doddering aunt from making the biggest mistake of her life? Why is a rejected Dick Tracy villian involved? Why is nuclear power involved? You can find out under the cut as I both summarize the baffling events leading up to this and talk about the two parter surrounding the big day itself!

Previously on Spider-Man:

Thankfully I didn’t have to do research for this one. This is a bit of a story in itself: See long ago I got comxilology unlimted for a bit, basically netflix for digital comics, and for the first time read the classic Night Gwen Stacey died along with a bunch of other great stories from the maestro himself Gerry Conway.

Gerry Conway has a special place in Marvel History as he’s the first writer to take charge of Spidey post stan lee and made the most of it: In addition to, as outlined killing gwendy, he killed the green goblin in the same story, replaced him with my boy harry osborn as the new green goblin, evened out Flash and Peter’s relationship from “Sharing a social circle” to “actual friends”, made Mary Jane Peter’s main love intrest in Gwen’s place, and introduced a bevy of milestone additions to peter’s history: The Punisher (Sigh), Jackal, Hammerhead, Clones and the Spider-Car. Not every milestone is a good thing. The guy was a decent writer, and while he didn’t quite explore the full breath of gwen’s death at times and the death itself is an early example of women in refirgrators, he did give spider-man a life and energy all his own, along side his cohort and underated spidey artist ross andru.

But this was the 70′s so he wasn’t immune to weird shit. Again , spider-car. As such his first storyline, co-written by John Romita was a bit of a weird one, not helped by a big plot point Stan Introduced right before leaving. At the end of Stan’s Run, which was helpfully in the trade I got with the start of Gerrys, Gwen was a bit harsh with aunt may’s coddling of peter. Nothing bad just a bit stern. So May responded like an adult 10 year old and ran away to not be in the way.. which naturally left Gwen feeling guilty she hurt peter’s surrogate mom’s feelings and peter overwhelmed with guilt and worry searching for her. GREAT JOB GETTING OUT OF THE WAY MAY.

So Peter naturally looked for her, and fought a monkey man for a few issues, writers switched over, and Conways first arc, heavily guided by Spidey Legend John Romita SR who stayed on for a bit to help the transition, had peter look for his aunt and encounter HAMMERHEAD.

Hammerhead is one of Spidey’s Rouges that baffles me a bit. He’s an amnesiac thug who saw a poster for an al capone film while beaten in an ally and thus modeled his whole shtick over the style of classic gangsters and the surgery that saved him also gave him an indestructable skull. He also.. looks like this.

He is, for all intenstive purposes, a Dick Tracey villian that got lost and wound up in the pages of Spider-Man. He isn’t the most rediclous rogue in spidey’s gallery: Spidey’s Rogues also contain my boy Stegron, a humanoid stegsaurus that wants to make everyone into dinosaurs. And in case you dont beleive that..

No what baffles me is hammerhead gets used in pretty much every adaptation . Instead of plumbing the depths and using more creative villians they just figure “eh we need spidey to beat someone up get hammerhead”. And look I get it spidey has some rouges that should remain deep in the vault, like bloodshed

Who I didn’t even know existed till I was on the tv tropes page for the Rouges Gallery one day after far from home. But you have so many more intresting and just as insane villians to throw at spidey: If you want muscle try Grizzly, the guy in a bear suit, or Kangaroo, the guy whose not in a kangaroo suit but is australian but incompitent, or mountain man marko.. he’s just a guy. Or hell try this guy I just found out exists: the walrus!

Is he thorughly rediculous? Yes. Is he any more rediculous than hammerhead no. Or if you want to go even more insane again my boy stegron. Or how about Swarm. He’s only been used about once but he’s a nazi made of bees! You don’t have to use the nazi element but you could’ve been ahving peter fight a guy made of bees a lot. And that’s not even getting into guys like speed demon or hydro man who arne’t used enough despite being neat and not patently rediculous. My point dear readers is that while I don’t hate hammerhead, the spidey cartoons and spidey adjacent films need to embrace how fucking insane his rogues gallery is and unleash the madness. Have Madam Web fight a bunch of nazi bees is what i’m saying. Dakota Johnson vs Nazi Bees 2023.

I.. I had a point to all this. Oh right so Spider-Man fights hammerhead to find aunt may and finds out she’s in Doctor Octopus’ mob mansion.

Yeah earlier in his career Doctor Octopus took over the mob a lot because that’s what Stan Lee and Gerry Conway thought you do if your a supervillian: take over organized crime. I mean it worked with the big man, but after that it was just diminishing returns every time i’ve read a story like this.

So Spider-Man finds aunt man.. only for her to clonk him on a head with a pot because she hated him back then.. and she later POINTS A GUN AT HIM BECAUSE SHE’S AFRAID OF HIM. You may notice Aunt May is just a.. touch diffrent back then. Yeah early on.. Aunt May sucked. I love her as a character now but early on she was basically just a plot device so Peter couldn’t be revealed as spider-man or the heart attack would kill her. Why he coudln’t tell his friends who aren’t old ladies with a heart condition?

The silver age man, it hates revealing secret identites more than the Miraculous Lady Bug. Also if your wondering why I haven’t watched that show.. that’s why. Anyways point is she was more comic relief and didn’t do much, to the point she’s largely absent from Conways run and the Lein Wein run following. She’ll pop in once in a while to remind readers she exist but that’s it. Thankfully by the 80′s writers started giving her stuff to do: having her move to a retirement home where she made friends, having her move out of it and start a boarding house while starting up a romance with Nathan Lubensky (Wonderful forgotten spidey charcter). She did end up dying, came back, and under JMS found out peter was spider-man in one of the best spidey stories. She got a new vibracncy, one taken from the ultimate universe where she was a touch younger if still old and far more onrey. This vibrancy would keep and since then she’s remarried (and her new husband sadly died.. and was also J Jonah Jamesons father. It’s a whole wonderful thign and one of Dan Slotts best ideas from the time before he lost his damn mind) and runs the FEAST charity shelter, something that’s been adapted both into the mcu and the insomniac games.. granted both also killed her but still, she at least gets to be a character first.

But Dodering old may stays with Doc Ock because she wants to stay out of peter’s life and he’s worried about her because she’s with a fucking supervillian in his goon squads mansion while said villian is in jail. NICE JOB MAY. So as I said she mostly disappeared. Since Peter couldn’t visit her in either identity and could only call breifly, she was out of his life and life moved on. Though after hearing about an inhertence she had from a letter he snatched from a goon peter did go to canada to find the guy who sent it. How did a struggling college student get to canada, you may ask? Simple... he agreed to photograph the hulk. Spidey FOUGHT THE HULK. Again.

Reviews that somehow involve a hulk count: 2

I’ve only needed this twice this week but it’s weird it happened twice. So that’s where the plot sat because as soon as peter returned.. something big happened

Again I fully intend to cover this story sometime this year, the good and bad of it, but needless to say peter was preoccupied. I do feel Conway Missed an opportunity as due to Gwen having accidently shooed may away, May could feel guilty for having not been there and having let herself get pushed out or been so senstive. Instead it just never comes up and she arrives with hired goons to the funeral. But yeah this got shoved aside for a few issues as peter dealt with grief, helped MJ fight a vulture man, met the jackal.. he had a lot on his plate. But eventually we arrived here, as the story concluded.. and given how nuts it’s been so far you’d think it couldn’t get any more insane..

Well you’ll see.

The Amazing Spider-Man 130:

You may be asking “Jake what does the guy you just gave out about, a weirdo meditaing at the foot of george washington and spider-man suddenly having a car for some reason have to do with Aunt May and Doc Ock” It’ll become clear as we go.

We open with spider-man fighting some thugs in hazmat suits.. suprisingly i’ts not AIM this time but a bunch of theives with high tech gear. Now you’d probably expect these guys are Doc Ock’s boys.. but NO. These are HAMMERHEAD’S goons. Hammerhead, the guy who need I remind you likes to think i’ts the 30′s.. made his men dress up in beastie boys cosplay with high tech science weapons he pulled directly from his ass. HAMMERHEAD. The guy whose power.. is having a thick skull.

HAMMERHEAD

Who can MAKE A GUYS BRAIN SHORT OUT, as the poor schmoe peter interrogates finds out the hard way

I honestly forgot this story was this nuts from the get go. I thought it at least took a few pages you know eased you into being bonkers. But nope Hammerhead is suddenly a technical genius on par with reed richards who can wire people’s brains to short out if they say his name. Also how fucking awkward would that be in meetings

Henchman; Sorry i’m late ha-hammer..ha.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Drops coffee everywhere) Hammerhead: noes my premiums roast! CURSE YOU SPIDER-MAN! Henchman 2: But hamm. but hammm AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Hammerhead: CURSE. YOU. SPIDER-MAN!

So meanwhile Hammerhead is meeting with the Jackal. Those familiar with the clone saga might be saying

While many of you are just wondering who this guy is. The Jackal was Conway’s replacement for the Green Goblin after Norman’s death. Like GG he started out as a mystery villian, a diabolical mastermind with a mystery identity though unlike Green Goblin who wanted to take over organized crime because again, Stan Lee thought all criminals wanted to take over the mob, Jackal clearly had it out for spider-man and most of his schemes fucked with him in some way. As it’d turn out and spoilers for a 40 years old comic, the Jackal was Miles Warren, a minor supporting character who started in Lee’s run. He was a creepy old man who realized he “loved” gwen after her death. Keep in mind warren is drawn as a mustachoied old man and Gwen was 19 at MOST.

So before the big reveal he spent most of Conway’s run showing up ocasinally to take a dump on spidey’s life with some sort of scheme before deciding to get into clones and seemingly dying only to return for the clone saga.. which is a mess all in itself.

Here he’s just here for a breif cameo for a plan that makes little sense: He talks about how great he is for an entire page to piss Hammerhead off into trying to kill him... which somehow goads hammerhead into going after doc ock. Even though given Doc Ock’s the biggest crimelord in nyc right now and Hammerhead has buisness with him while Hammerhead’s old gang was broken up by spidey, he likely would without any taunting. So in short Jackal showed up to do nothing of consiequence and leave and it’s somehow played as some “genius masterstroke of strategic genius” When instead he comes off as

How did it take peter about a year in story to beat this guy?

So we move from one subplot to another as Spidey visits his best buddy, Johnny Storm of the Fantastic Four. And this is where we get to the car. See a few issues back Stan Lee had a tie in with a toy company and wanted to work their spider-car into the issue despite the fact it made zero sense for a new york based superhero who could travel of his own power anyway to have a batmobile of sorts. So Gerry decided to just lean into it and made the subplot pure farce: Two add execs asked Spidey, who at this time is wanted for questioning in TWO different murders. It’d be like if they made a naked gun spinoff starring OJ WHILE he was running away in the white bronco. The only diffrence is Spidey is actually innocent, though he’s thoughly aware this idea is stupid on so many levels.. but agrees because he’s got to pay rent since Harry’s too busy plotting his death to do so these days. So not having any car knowledge he went to Johnny, who is a big gear head and gladly agreed for part of the money since he wouldn’t have his rap side hustle for that till the 90′s.

youtube

Pure. Art.

And thus Spidey wakes johnny up who unveils his abomination to the world

No no not that one, again 90′s.. but it’s only MARGINALLY more dignified.

As I said, Conway was in on the joke and clearly so was artist ross Andru who made it look neat for a kid to play with but still wonderfullyr ediculous. Johnny did trick it out though: Ejector seats (because as Johnny himself says, superhero cars gotta have ejector seats), Web cannons anda the headlights can project a massive version of that spider projection thing spidey sometimes does but hasn’t in any other media that often for no reason.

The New Yorker thing though comes up as when Spidey tries driving it... it goes about as well as you’d expect

Like I said Conway was in on the joke and milked it for all it was worth. It’s hard making jokes in this half when Conway’s doing all the heavy lifting for me.

So Doc Ock notices the spider car as he’s leaving jail and gets a plan... he then gets to his helepad where he berates a henchman for his “excuses”.. his excuse being he didn’t know where to pick up his boss. Then he does this

He just sorta leaves the guy there on the helipad and takes off because he knows nothing. but like.. he coudl still go to the police with the fact your breaking what’s clearly your parole. And they arrested you in front of it. And they can call the avengers on your ass so... yeah. Maybe kill him at least. Like i’m not for killing people as a rule but if their going to lead the police, the avengers, the fantastic four and I dunno the defenders? were they a team yet?

(checks) Yes yes they were. Point is someone’s going to stomp your elton john impersonator ass if you don’t snap that mans neck.

Anyways Peter swings back home and talks to Aunt May on the phone breifely before letting her go because MJ called.. despite the fact you know, his aunt’s in terrible danger and he could try talking her out of being with doc ock or.. anything instead of making time with his love intrest. But MJ’s here for higher reasons as Peter keeps missing class because spider-man and MJ wants to help him reach it. His response to MJ clearly making an effort with him and helping him stay in school during a trying time.. is to whine about not being able to change into spidey is easy, even though it’s never stopped him before.

Okay so anyway that evening Hammerhead’s goons do another robbery.. with .. Jet Lifts, full on JETPACKS and spider-man stops them with his super powered car.

So he then fights hammerhead because why not at this point and they scuffle, with spidey eventaully loosing because Hammerhead has been practicing ramming guys with his head so he can do it faster. I just.. I just want an issue or two of shonen style training in italy or wherever hammerhead was, Jackal says he was overseas, training to ram guys SLIGHTLY faster. Can we get hammerhead carrying milk jugs or wearing a turtle shell or putting himself in a gravity chamber or wrestling an ox or wrestling ox from the enforcers or wrestling ox from the enforcers wearing an ox costume for once? Please marvel, please?

Peter then has to wrestle his nitro burning funny car from the police but finally gets a break: a letter with aunt may’s name on it and with this mail fraud, peter can FINALLY find out why straight tentacle hentai elton john banged his aunt!

So Peter goes to Betty Brant, his ex and now close friend’s, christmas party. After getting a christmas cigar from Jonah because back then marvel characters could smoke em if they got em, Peter spirits himself away despite mj trying to missletoe him. He points out in solemn monologue...

That he’s not ready to move on yet. Which given it’s been a few weeks, a month or two at most, is fair and a nice bit of reminding us he’s still not over that pain. I do like how Conway let’s that pain linger as much as he could in a mostly episodic comic book.

But Peter distracts himself by reading the letter and knowing the truth now he has to go find aunt may and ditches the party, swining out to go find her... only to find

Lady’s, gents, and those inbetween and outside it entirely the moment you’ve been waiting for has arrived. ANd i’ts as rediculous as you hoped. I have so many things to pick apart about this.. entire situation here and everything about this.

1) Gerry Conway had to go to marvel editorial, say “I want to have Doc Ock try and marry aunt may” and Stan Lee went “excelsior!” 2) Aunt May has no objectoin to the wedding being in his house, without her nephew (aka her only family left0 and the rest of the party ONLY being hired goons. 3) Aunt may’s old fashioned wedding dress that looks like the kind a haunted corpse wears. Which she basically is but still. 4) The fact Doc Ock has a chappel in his house 5) The fact either someone went into this chappel and helped furnish it and saw NOTHING supscious here, or one of Doc Ock’s gangster goons is a hell of a decotrator. 6) Finally the fact the preist also came here and saw nothing supscious about ANY of this. I get Aunt May is basically brain dead in this era but I didn’t know Stan Lee and Gerry Conway thought EVERY eldery person was.

Okay moving on

Amazing Spider-Man 131

I just love this cover: aunt may looking so happy, the goofy expressoins on the gangsters, the fact spiderman thought it was prudent to web up the bible.. it’s wonderfully ludicrous.

So the next issue picks up where we left off.. and Petey DOSEN’T get to wonderfully dash in while his aunt looks as braindead as ever. For valid reasons too: he points out, while talking to himself because again, style at the time, that if he does, she could get hurt because she has the constituion and bone density of paper mache.

Thankfully Hammerhead makes it a non issue as he charges in and the preist asks...

(clears throat) Dude... you are officating a wedding between salt water supervillian and a skellington surronded by mobster sterotypes in the middle of a a supervillian’s mountain fortress... and you only have questions NOW. I know i already made a joke about this guy but jesus christ he might be the dumbest person in the marvel universe. And that is a hard title to win let me tell you. Tony stark hadn’t even started his first civil war yet. He has not begun to fuckup but you sir give him a run for his money

So a fracas insues with sleep inducing bullets... i’m numb to it at this point.. .and Doc Ock taking Aunt may out to his secret helicopter via his secret exit secretly. Spidey TRIES to intercept but Doc plays hero and swats him away so Spidey decides to play dead and wait for a moment to strike and hope his aunt dosne’t blow away in the wind while he does. He gets his chance after ock escapes, stowing away on the botton of Hammerhead’s hellicopter

We get a brief break from the madness as MJ realizes she’s been ditched and talks to Betty and her fiance Ned. She talks over peter ditching her with Betty saying he just needs time and Ned calling her a flake behind her back because he’s that level of dipshit while Betty accuratley points out she’s just scared: MJ dosen’t knokw how to deal with grief or to approach this and Joe Robertson silences more bs from ned by pointing out Peter can make up his own mind. We then get this VERY odd speech

Okay so two things here. First Joe is happily married with a college aged son. So he clearly knows quite a bit about romance to have a succesful stable marriage this long I don’t know why he assumes two people he works with who’d know he’s married and a kid. He knwos a lot. And secondly ther’es him calling himself a city editor. If you wonder what that is it’s a secondary editor tha tmainly covers stuff happening in the city. I bring this up because I had to look it up after EVERY GODAMN APPEARNCE IN CONWAYS RUN AND STAN’S BEFORE IT THAT I’VE SEEN HAS HIM MENTOIN IT. I get it was probably to establish this was a black man in a position of authority at a time that was rarely seen in media, and that was noble as was Stan creating him in the first place. But in modern times it just comes off as this weird tick, like Robbie HAS to either be called city editor or mention he’s the city editor or he’ll melt into goo. And given this is the marvel universe that’s probably exactly what’s going on.

Anyways back to the madness as we find out why dear readers Doc Ock is trying to marry Aunt May.

First off, owning a candian island is dope. Second you did not misread that. AUNT MAY INHERETED A NUCLEAR REACTOR

You know when people think of this story they focus on one of Peter’s arch enemy’s trying to vacay to bonetown with his aunt. Which is fair, it’s objectively weird and as I haven’t mentioned they play this pretty straight. There’s a few jokes about Ock putting on an heir of chivalry for may’s sake, and later stories imply it wasn’t all bs, which are fucking great especailly this one righ tafter this reveal.

That’s objectively funny. But for the most part it’s just played for the drama of Doc Ock marrying his aunt instead of being treated as the most insane thing that’s ever happened to peter.. at this point. It dosen’t harm the story , in fact it makes it more hilarous that they try to play DOC OCK marring peter’s aunt for her nuclear reactor seriously

But seriously.. WHY DOESN’T THE FACT AUNT MAY INHERTED A NUCLEAR REACTOR COME UP MORE. Someone thought “Gee i’m dying soon I better give my WORLD CLASS NUCLEAR REACTOR ON AN ASS-TON OF UNRANIUM to someone. I know that old lady who gave me a caramel once who will crumble into dust if you speak too loud! She’s perfect to manage such a massive responsiblity!” Even in the 70′s this thing would have investors, people who would despute her owning the land. People would’ve TRIED contacting aunt may with more than just mail and while yes Doc Ock DID keep her in an isolated mansion likely for that reason... he stole the mail months ago when staying at her house. Both the US and CA goverments would not only know but they’d’ be SCRAMBLING to get that reactor and get her to sell and away from the bad tentacle man. Under President Nixon? I get this was just before watergate happened but still, even then I think people knew Nixon was far to the right. And this is in a universe with SHIELD? I get sometimes you have to isolate things for a shared universe to work but Stan didn’t mind Shiled popping up everywhere else. It’s telling when the most unrealistic part of this story isn’t a younger man swindling an old woman out of a fortune, that happens destressingly often and were aunt may more of a character and less of a halloween store prop at this point in history it’d be geninely tragic, but that the fourtune is a NUCLEAR REACTOR SHE DOSEN’T KNOW ABOUT.

Okay so moving on before I loose what very little’s left of my mind. We do get a fun action scene after as Hammerhea’ds solution.. is to RAM THE BITCH and rams into ock’s plain, a huge fight insues and Peter ends up one on one with octavius in the ruckus giving him a very satisfying beatdown that helps ground this incredibly stupid situation for a second.

It does hammer home the fact that this man tried to swindle, and possibly murder, his aunt. He may be doing so for a nuclear reactor and may only be able to do so not because of charm but because the plot says so (I mean even aunt may would notice all the hired goons. ), but this does work.

Peter spirits Aunt May away and steals a plane, finally saving her. She also passed out in case you were wondering. And then.. well you have to see for yourselves true beliviers. Because the story is about to reach peak insanity. Yes NOW.

Okay so breaking this down point by point

1) AUNT MAY AND DOC OCK’S NEAR WEDDING ENDED IN A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION AND NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THIS PART. THE FUCK?! 2) Again you use the guy who is so stupid he BLEW UP AN ISLAND IN NUCLEAR HELLFIRE BY HIS OWN STUPIDITY often but not the dinosaur? 3) Spidey making a clever quip after about 20 diffrnet people just died in a nuclear explosion. Jesus peter I get they were criminals but that’s still a lot to just shrug off with a joke.

But yeah ONE MUSHROOM CLOUD LATER, May awakes and faints from shock, Peter likely explains later as himself, and MJ shrugs off her feelings for peter.

And you may be thinking “wait... Doc Ock returns dosen’t he? HOW?!” And that itself is a story for another time.. that i’ll add to my next patreon tier (i.le. goals set for each time I have a person join) or do fully on comission, first comment who wants it. But in short it involves Doc Ock on the street for a while and the ATOMIC GHOST OF HAMMERHEAD. I’m not kidding.

Final Thoughts: This is not a good story. Even with so many real life cases of vunerable old people being swindled this story defies logic with how trusting aunt may is, as the armed goons and hammerhead of all thing should’ve clued her in at some point. It’s mostly two idiots fighting over an old woman while spider-man’s in the middle. It has good moments: the fight scenes are gorgeous, Ross Andru is a genius and deserves more credit, and the scenes for the subplots aside from Jackal who did absolutely nothing of note are great. MJ trying to hide her feelings under a veneer of Peter being a downer and Spidey’s antics with the spider-mobile still hold up.

That being said while objectively this isn’t a good story.. it’s so bad it’s good gold. Aunt May’s stupidity, Doc Ock’s goofy tux, the fact Hammerhead’s involved, spidey hyjacking a plane, “sleeping guns” , hammerhead suddenly being a technical wizard and of course a mushroom cloud ot cap it off.. it’s fucking hilarous. This is far from Gerry Conway’s best story.. but it’s still a massively entertainingly weird part of spidey’s history that you just got to see. I honestly wish other blunders in long runs were this entertaingly stupid instead of just sad.

So that does it for this review. Once again consider

JOINING MY PATREON

And join me in 5 days for some Nuptials of x as one of the most illconcived weddigns in marvel history, yes even more than Aunt May’s nuclear near wedding, is turned into one of it’s best as Gambit and Rogue tie the knot. I love you all, see ya real soon and thanks for reading

#spider-man #amazing spider-man #may parker #doctor octopus #peter parker #gerry conway #ross andru #comics #valentine's day #weddings #hammerhead #mary jane watson #ned leeds #betty brant #j jonah jameson #robbie robertson #comics reviews #marvel

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starkerdestroyedmylifee · 3 years

Text

Thief

Peter tries not to feel the weight of his backpack as he makes his way up from the lab. He really does. But, it’s heavy.

‘Well, of course it is.’

Peter curses himself, popping up each step and hoping- praying- he doesn’t bump into anyone on the way. It’s still heavy, though. Even with his super-strength; heavy, and metal, and not his, because he really, really shouldn’t have it.

At all.

When the day had begun, Peter’d played the part of ‘devastated mentee’ to a T. His eyes had been puffy, exiting his aunt May’s car, rubbing his runny nose on the cuff of his suit.

No, not his suit.

Some store-bought thrift that didn’t quite fit his shoulders. A black jacket with fabrics frayed at the base, and dress-pants not quite long enough. Pepper had offered paying to get something tailored, but Peter’d declined quickly. It didn’t feel right, taking money from Mr. Stark’s fortune, even beyond the grave. They hadn’t known each other well enough. Which is odd, considering he’s currently attending said man’s funeral.

Peter tries not to linger on the fact that he’s technically (Technically meaning actually) stealing from Mr. Stark, and instead makes his way through the crowded living room. The majority of guests seem to be winding down now, what with Tony’s eulogy all said and done. Only soft, meditated tones, and consoling hands on shoulders, and Ms. Pepper Potts- smiling politely, but dead on her feet- striking up some conversation about sewage. He meets her gaze, and the weight of his backpack is bone-breaking.

She doesn’t walk over to him, thankfully. Of course, he’s just another kid wrapped up in her late husband’s antics. The invitation sent their way had been courteous at best, but worded as something that was supposed to happen, despite being a bit inappropriate. Peter’s a stranger, after all. And, what happens when you invite strangers into your house?

They steal your stuff.

Still, Ms. Potts nods his way. Soft; disinterested. Her gaze quickly slides over him, onto another guest far more deserving of her attention. Despite this, Peter’s back goes rigid for the few seconds spent on him. He holds his breath- freezes- before letting it out in relief.

‘This is horrible.’ Peter thinks to himself. ‘I’m literally going to hell for this.’

It doesn’t matter at this point. Not with his mind fogged in an overwhelming cloud of grief, or his eyes still stinging from such a heavy cry, or his throat burning from yet another wave of anguish. ‘No,’ he decides, tapping his aunt’s shoulder. ‘It doesn’t even matter at this point.’

He feigns a stomach ache, by which May thinks he’s playing sick to escape the depressing atmosphere of his idol’s funeral, and drives him home before Happy can so much as woo her to stay at his place.

Up the stairs.

Through the hallway.

Into his bedroom.

He shuts the door. Crumbles to pieces. Because-. Because, he finally starts realizing what he’s just done.

‘Oh, god. Oh god, this is so much worse than I thought it would be. This is- This is literally the worst idea I’ve ever had. Stupid, stupid, stupid!’

Peter can’t help his hands from shaking as he lifts the metal helmet out of his bag. It’s cold against his skin, which only makes his mouth go dry. Mr. Stark used to wear this. He used to wear this, and it’d been cold. Heavy and cold.

“...I really fucked up.” He says out loud, which only seems to solidify it.

Well, he can’t take it back now. Not if Pepper ends up noticing that it is gone. A monument. A goddamn trophy of Mr. Stark’s. One of his earliest models, with the classic red spray and golden faceplate. Christ, if he’d wanted it so badly, why didn’t he just buy a replica?

Because it wasn’t the same.

It isn’t the same.

But, damn it all, it’s also not his.

Peter had just wanted something to remember Mr. Stark by, and-. God, that helmet had called to him like a siren.

‘Mr. Stark would want you to have it.’ His brain had supplied.

Which-.

Uh.

No.

No, he would not want a literal child hanging onto his legacy like a fucking baseball card, instead of in a museum, or some well-maintained pedestal, or in a safe to be preserved for the next thousand years. Tony had been over the top like that. He liked to think his work was worth something. It was meant to adore.

The thought of Peter one day throwing it on top of his dirty laundry made him want to cry.

“Oh, god. Oh- Oh, shit. Okay, Peter. This is-. Oh, shit.” He tosses Mr. Stark’s helmet on the bed, and really does almost cry. A High-Tec, revolutionary piece of hardware, worn by Earth’s savior had just been thrown on his rumpled bedsheets, and goddamn fucking shit Peter is definitely- definitely- about to have a panic attack. He throws his arms up.

“That’s it.” Peter rambles sharply. “I’m screwed. I am so screwed, because I-. Oh my god, is it chipped? Of course it’s fucking chipped, Peter. It-. It’s Tony’s. Of course. Oh my god, I’m going to jail.” He peeks out the window, half-expecting to see cop cars at the entrance of his apartment complex. “Why did I do this?”

That’s the big question. Up until this point, Mr. Stark had only ever been an idol. Then a mentor. Then a father figure.

And, then-.

Okay, no. Peter is not going there. He paces around his room, onto his walls, the ceiling, hanging off his fingertips before plopping back onto his bare feet. He sighs, cursing, before making his inevitable journey back to the helmet.

Picking it up, his senses note a slight rise in temperature. It’s still cold, obviously. His room is well-heated though, unlike the lifeless cellar they’d had it cooped up in just hours before. Which makes Peter feel a little better about things- he smiles, tilting it this way and that. ‘Ha! A real home.’- before noticing a patch of crumbs on the helmet’s jaw from when he’d eaten Cheetos on the bed, wiped his fingers against the sheets, and seamlessly forgotten to throw them in the wash.

Peter almost faints.

Luckily, they’re easily wiped away by some bed-side tissues (Peter tries not to remember what he uses said tissues for. He’s already mortified by his poor treatment of it.) He sits on the bed with a huff, settling Mr. Stark’s tech in his lap like a pet. Peter runs his fingers over it apologetically, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough. He sighs, lowering his head.

“I bet you think this is pretty funny, huh?” Peter supplies, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Well, it’s not… It’s a little funny, but only because I know you’d probably have some quippy one-liner set up for me.” He falls onto his back, bringing the helmet to rest against his chest. Breathing out through his nose, he raises the metal mask just above him, so he can stare up at it. His bedroom light catches the surface of gleaming red, and Peter feels like a dirty slob just touching this rare treasure.

“Something like…” He pauses, thinking for a moment. “‘Oh, Peter. Looks like you’re a head of the game…’ That was really bad.” He chews his lip. “‘Sorry, kid. I want you to fill my shoes. This is a little much.’ God, no. That doesn’t sound like Mr. Stark at all.” Peter turns onto his side, letting the helmet lay against his pillow. They stare intimately at each other. ‘They’ being Peter and a lifeless curve of metal. He pulls the mask a bit closer.

“‘Woah there, Spiderman. At least buy dinner before you take it to bed.’” Peter turns his face into his pillow, groaning pitifully.

“Why are helmet jokes so hard?” He pauses, mulling his complaint over. “Okay, that one wasn’t bad.” Like that, Peter angles his face to check on the helmet, and looks to see its reaction. Which creeps him out, of course. Alright, so maybe there are even more implications to stealing his idol’s helmet then the fact he stole it. Maybe it’s just bad to have an inanimate object symbolic of Mr. Stark around him.

‘No shit.’ Peter thinks to himself, drawing a hand down his face.

Still…

He places a finger along the metal mask’s faceplate; feels the cool of its surface, the crisp curve of each indent. It’s nice. Really, really nice. Which is exactly why he has to pull away and face the wall of his room.

‘Nope. No chance. Time out, Peter.’

He closes his eyes, counting back from one hundred. He does it seven times. Eight. It doesn’t matter. Peter turns around to face it again, and does exactly what he’d been doing before. His fingers map out the metal slabs, just imagining what it must’ve been like inside.

‘It probably smells like him.’ Peter’s brain coos.

‘What? Like booze, and sweat, and morning breath? Is that what you’re tempting me with?’

‘Yes.’

It doesn’t smell like Mr. Stark, for the record. It smells sterile and lifeless and unworn, like someone went and purged it of everything Tony. Which, Peter assures himself, is completely, totally fine. It doesn’t bother him a bit.

Not one bit.

Not when he slips a hand inside and feels the strange padding used to cradle Mr. Stark’s head. Or when he pulls it out, not devastated to find the man hadn’t shed any hair. Nope. Not even a little. Because that would be weird, and a little obsessive. A lot obsessive. It’s not like Peter could clone Mr. Stark if he had any kind of DNA. It’s not like Peter wants to.

He checks his alarm clock, the same one still ticking five years after the blip; 10:47.

Not crazy late. On the contrary, it’d be amazingly early for the hyper-active teen to turn in just yet. That’s what he tells himself as he reaches over his night stand, tugging the string of his lamp light. The room goes dark and Peter tries (Read: fails miserably) to fall asleep. Looking his crime in the face anymore than he already has to is punishment enough, at least for today.

He tries to ease his muscles, but they just won’t let up. There’s a weight in his bed that he’s not used to, and it sets all his human nerves on edge, even with his Spidey-senses dormant. Peter should put it in the closet, but he can’t bear the image of allowing it to collect dust. On the contrary, the thought leaves him choked and wanting a glass of water he doesn’t have the energy to grab. The idea of mistreating anything Tony Stark-related has the young vigilante in shambles.

Which is why he soon finds himself rotating around to face the helmet in his bed. Even through darkness, he can make out a sharp outline of lunar beams streaming in through the window. It’s soothing. It’s reprimanding. Peter sniffs, blinking away what feels like an ocean of tears.

“I’m sorry…?” He offers shyly. His tone breaks, shoulders bunched, brow pinched with a grimace only offset by the flush of his cheeks. ‘At least here,’ Peter thinks to himself, ‘I can get some kind of closure.’

Which is exactly what leads him to kiss the metal armor.

Soft, across where he’s sure Tony’s lips would be located. It’s quick. Innocent, really. If things weren’t so different in the 21st century, people might mistake it for a platonic peck. Because Tony- brave, wise Tony- was like a father to him, in the only way he understood a father could be. It’d been so tender, after all. With those sweet, thin fingers caressing, not pulling, and palms that cradled, not smooshed. Nothing demanding. Nothing sexual. Just a good ol’ fashion kiss, which lasts no more than a few seconds.

Peter promises himself it isn’t anything else. It’s a platonic kiss on the lips. Which is a thing. It is, but other people might make it out to be something more. Someone like MJ would probably cackle her ass off if she knew he’d given the mask a kiss, as short as it is.

The few that follow after are a bit longer.

By the time Peter finishes, he’s relaxed in the worst way possible. He feels groggy, worn at the lips, and shitty as all hell because that last kiss had definitely been excessive.

And, okay.

Peter has a massive crush on Mr. Stark.

It’s terribly obvious. And tragic as shit, since the man is dead. Despite reminding himself, he can’t help but cling onto that damn feeling of metal on chapped, teenage lips. He feels sleepy, and he suddenly doesn’t want to be. It feels immensely inappropriate falling asleep next to a helmet he smooched to pieces.

Like sleeping next to Tony in Peter’s perverse, miserable fantasies.

Where Ms. Potts is away on business, and Mr. Stark is oh-so alone, and oh-so desperate for some kind of bodily touch. Where Peter is his sexy young intern, who has the confidence to wear feminine lingerie under his work clothes, and doesn’t mind brushing hips. They could make hot, passionate love in the lab for all he cares, and Mr. Stark would call him Baby, and Peter would call him Daddy, and it would hardly be funny to say in the moment, though he might snort when thinking over it later.

Best of all, Tony likes Peter best in his fantasies.

Parker is his favorite.

It’s only ever fantasy, though. Peter knows better than to indulge it.

In a conflicting fit between putting the helmet away, or pulling a sheet over top, or entertaining the notion of sneaking it back in place before anyone notices it’s gone, Peter decides to give the mask his bed while he sleeps on the floor. He’d much rather give Mr. Stark his best than chance disrespecting the man’s memory in favor of comfort. He obviously can’t be trusted, getting too close to Tony-related objects.

Laying on his bedroom floor twiddling his thumbs, Peter can’t help but wonder: What has my life come to?

#Starker #Peter x Tony #Tony/Peter #Fic #I don't know anymore guys #I miiiiight continue this??#Or maybe I'll just leave the babe to suffer

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the-drunk-game-master · 5 years

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Norman Osborn wants to be Tony Stark

Spoilers for Spider-Man Far From home ahead! Marvel gets a lot of shit for making all their villians the same. Or at least, they used to. Everyone was a dumb grey monster or an evil businessman that was pissed off at Tony Stark (Or a very similar character, Hank Pym). Obadiah Stane, Justin Hammer, Aldritch Killian. Even Spider-Man's villians are only fighting him because Tony Stark Screwed them over. Adrian Toomes steals from Tony Stark, and tells Spider-Man to stay out of his way. Quentin Beck had his "Glory" stolen by Stark and copies his shtick by flying around in armor and shooting lasers from his hands.

It would be super easy to make Norman Osborn one of these cookie cutter bad guys. Barely an inconvenience, as a popular youtuber is known to say. He is a chemical weapons manufacturer after all. If I myself were a youtuber, I'd show the scene from Sam Ramey's Spider-Man where Norman Osborn gets screwed over by his shareholders, and edit in Tony Stark at one of the chairs at that table. I don't even need to give him any lines, just have him be on his phone and ignoring William Defoe's great performance. Hell, the special weapon that those bigwigs choose to fund instead of Oscorp looks a lot like an early Iron Man prototype.

I think it would be more interesting if, instead of hating Stark, Osborn LOOOVES Stark. He wants to be Stark, and copies him. Not the way Quentin Beck copied Stark, just going for the glory of superherodom. Norman Osborn should believe in what Stark believed in. He should believe in protecting Earth, by any means necessary. the only difference is that he should take it too far.

about a decade ago, I was reading spider-man comics, along with some X-Men and other stuff. I wasn't the super nerd that I am now, but I was reading Spidey's arc for civil war. it started with Peter already working with Tony, in his Iron Spider Suit. MJ and Aunt May knew about his life, and even lived safely in Stark Tower. The civil war broke out, and as a show of good faith towards Tony, Peter willingly showed his face and gave his name on national telivision. it showed the reaction of everyone he knew, including his hated enemies. Then Spider-Man realized that Tony Stark (And also Reed Richards) were going way too far in their pursuit to track down and arrest rogue superheroes. Spider-Man realized he was on the wrong side of the war, and had to do the right thing, even though it would put the two women he loved in mortal danger. Shit hit the fan hard, Iron Man's Gauntlets clashed with Cap's shield, and at the end of the day, Peter returned bloody and bruised to a hotel room where his wife and Aunt were staying, ready to leave New York as fugitives. The Civil War story arc for Spider-Man ended with Aunt May getting shot by a mercinary with a sniper rifle, and Peter holding her in his arms.

the next Arc, Back in Black, begins with Peter losing his shit and throwing a jeep throw the third floor wall of a building across the street, trying to kill the man that shot his aunt. Shit gets super dark, with Peter going to Batman or Daredevil lengths of vengeance, and then almost going full Punisher. he even puts on a clothe version of his black suit, to signify that while the red white and blue Spider-Man was a protector, a symbol for justice, the black and white spider-man has nothing but vengeance in his heart.

The Civil War story also leads into the Secret Invasion storyline, where a shit ton of skrulls impersonate superheroes now that Earth is vulnerable. In Spider-Man Far From Home, we get hints that there may be some kree agents impersonating humans, and perhaps a hint to that Back in Black storyline, although I doubt that would get as dark. the reason I'm bringing Secret Invasion up at all is because it's resolved by Norman Fucking Obsorn shooting the skrull queen in the god damn face. I don't remember how he managed it. the guy dresses up like a skrull all the time, so maybe he just wrinkled the chin on his goblin mask and waltzed on in, figuring Skrulls would never expect someone to impersonate them. but what is super important is that this caused the god damn green goblin to be allowed to run the next friggin set of Avengers.

y'all remember Iron Patriot from Iron Man 3? that was originally Norman Osborn, wanting to merge the styles of the two leaders of the Avengers so that he could be a big dick hero. He had his name run through the mud, and rightly so because he’s an asshole who clones people just for shits and giggles. but he wanted to change how the people perceived him. He got it in his head that he could be a better superhero than Spider-Man. After the Secret Invasion, they had the Dark Reign, where Osborn hired a bunch of supervillians to impersonate the old Avengers team. Wolverine was replaced by his son, Daken, wearing a wolverine suit, while Bullseye got to wear Hawkeye's suit, and venom got to impersonate Spider-Man.

Now, there's also an extra twist in this that connects to the MCU. At the time of the Dark Reign, it wasn't Eddie Brock or Flash Thompson bonded with the Venom Symbiote, it was Mac Gargan. The Scorpion. the guy who got put in jail in Homecoming, and said he had guys on the outside that would kill Spider-Man and his family once they got his name. Well they sure have his name now! I doubt Gargan would become venom just for the Dark Reign storyline, but I can see him getting into the scorpion suit just to go kill Peter. It was originally designed to be an anti-spider-man weapon, and in the Ultimate Comics Scorpion was even a Clone of Peter. So Scorpion being the evil mirror of Spider-Man could work. The suit would give him similiar strength and speed. Osborn could still hire Mac Gargan as his official Spider-Man stand in, and since Spider-Man is labeled as a terrorist, they don't even need to pretend he's Spider-Man, just someone like Spider-Man for theming or branding purposes.

hell, we might have already even seen the Scorpion suit, or at least part of it. Spider-Man keeps his Iron Spider suit in a fancy containment chamber in his house, and never even puts it on in Far From Home. I assume it's an emergency only suit for him. Since the baddies know who he is, it would be pretty easy for someone to break in and steal it, if they know what they're looking for. A few tweaks and a new paint job later, Spider-Man is fighting a viscious killer who's wearing the suit that helped him fight aliens a short while ago. the spider-legs in the back could be rebuilt into a tail, perhaps by a Doctor Otto Octavious...

Now, that's how the Dark Reign started. you know how the Dark Reign Ended? Thor came back to Earth after Asgard's destruction, with his entire floating city. Norman framed one of the Asgardians for the destruction of a stadium full of people. Then he led Hammer, which had replaced Shield at the time, on a full on war against New Asgard.

All the pieces are in place for this storyline to commence. New Asgard is in Norway. The Avengers are mostly either retired or passed on. Spidey's framed. Skrulls and Kree are running around Earth playing Guess Who. Osborn probably already bought Stark Tower during the Blip timeskip. If they bring Task Master in for Black Widow to fight, he could wear the Hawkeye suit. Although I’d love to see Bullseye in this sort of movie... hell I’d also love to see Taskmaster copy all of Black Widow and Captain America’s moves. Maybe Taskmaster could secretly be a woman who was part of the Red Room stuff? that would be pretty neat for a Black Widow movie...

What I'd especially like to see from the MCU version of Norman Osborn is them introducing him as a guy who wants to be a hero, trying so hard to be both Iron Man and Captain America. It would be a great superhero tragedy if he really believed in Iron Man’s dream of a suit of armor around the Earth, but he became a dictator. Maybe he thinks he's created the next Super Soldier Serum, but it turns out to be the Goblin Serum instead. He could test it on himself, and it could amplify his already present violent tendencies.

#MCU #Phase 4 #Dark Reign #Dark Riegn #Norman Osborn #Spider-Man #Avengers #Dark Avengers #Tony Stark #Iron Man #Green Goblin #ceaseless rambling #Theories

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 5 years

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Why I don’t like the current direction for J. Jonah Jameson

Let me start by saying I love Jonah’s character a lot so I’m not trying to make him out to be a bad character in this.

I know a lot of people like it and regard going back on it as regression but hear me out.

I do not know that Jonah hating Spider-Man is necessarily better or worse than what we have now.

My objections are that how we got to this point and Jonah’s general attitude is....really nonsensical.

Frankly one of the worst things a storyteller can do is write characters out of character. Sure there can be small missteps which can be forgiven, but in this case Spider-Man unmasking to Jonah and his genera reaction to learning that truth is simply not how these characters would ever act in the context of that situation. And we know this because in case you have forgotten...we’ve been here before.

Once upon a time before Jonah ever knew Peter was Spider-Man we could only honestly speculate on how he would react.

However anyone believed or theorised he might take that news, there was little-no stories that really gave you a hard idea about that. There was no precedence at all or anything that could maybe give us a clue to how he’d react.

And the big question at the heart of how he might react was whether Jonah’s hatred for Spider-Man was more powerful than any affection he held for Peter Parker.

In 2006-2007 as part of the Civil War event we got the answer to that question and therefore got precedence for how Jonah would react to learning Peter’s secret.

And the answer was quite clear, Jonah’s hatred for Spidey WAS stronger than his affection for Peter. Your personal headcanons prior to that story do not matter, it was established as part of actual canon Spider-Man stories that this was how Jonah felt and reacted.

There could be some leeway if Jonah’s reaction was wildly out of character, like if there were older stories heavily defining him in such a way that his reaction didn’t add up.

But the thing was...most older stories supported how he reacted. His reaction DID make sense.

I’m not saying it would have been unbelievable for Jonah to have been in some way sympathetic towards Peter, but frankly it was just much more likely that Jonah’s hatred of Spidey would win out.

If we take a look at Jonah’s history with Spider-Man it isn’t the case that over time he could be viewed as almost obsessed with him and having something of a vendetta against him. He simply WAS obsessed with him and DID have a vendetta, he had a great big Spider-Man blindspot and mental trigger that rarely ever allowed him to NOT get angry about Spider-Man and NOT slander him or contort the truth against him.

This isn’t the by-product of lazy and repetitive writing over many decades either. This is simply Jonah’s ACTUAL character. He was like that in the 1960s when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko were writing him! they even went to far as to provide a basic motivation for WHY Jonah felt as he did: jealousy. Even if you wanted to say that was just zany 1960s writing that wasn’t all that realistic and as nuanced as later standards, the fact is Jonah was consistent in that portrayal in the 1970s and the 1980s. In the 1980s even when acclaimed and beloved Spider-Man writers like Roger Stern, Tom DeFalco and Peter David wrote Jameson, giving him more layers, making him more sympathetic and a core of human decency, he STILL had a great big Spider-Man hate boner.

In the 1960s for absolutely no justifiable reason he began a smear campaign against Spider-Man ruining his show business career and that was his intention. He funded the creation of super villains and spider slayers (who endangered public safety, which Jonah never seemed to consider beforehand) and continued doing so well into the 1980s. He didn’t even publicly own up to creating Scorpion until the 1980s when he was being blackmailed into keeping it quiet. Jameson funded the second Mysterio to dress up like a known criminal, drive Spider-Man out of his mind and skipped town when Mysterio was jailed to avoid any consequences. And throughout his career he near consistently smeared Spider-Man’s name deliberately engaging in libellous distortions of the truth to paint him in as negative a light as possible.

Jonah CLEARLY had serious mental issues with Spider-Man. And no one just gets over that as quickly (if at all) meaning Jonah’s reaction in Civil War made a lot of sense and his reaction Zdarsky’s run outright unbelievable for how humans simply act.

Systemically throughout all his Spider-Man hate campaigns, for all the affection he might have had for Peter he really wasn’t the best of friends he could have been to him. Even though he was a kid, even though he knew his uncle was dead and his aunt was old and sickly Jonah routinely continued to underpay Peter, insult him and scream his head off at him. True, he did this with almost everyone, but that doesn’t change the fact that he still did this. In the 1960s he put on a show of kindness towards Peter and his aunt at his graduation specifically to convince Peter to stay with the Bugle so he wouldn’t lose any money.

Yes later on in say the 1990s he secretly paid for Peter’s legal defence during the Clone Saga and offered him a staff job at the Bugle. But none of that renders his negative reaction in Civil War unbelievable. Like I said it was just a case of did he care more about Peter than he hated Spider-Man and we learned that no he didn’t. This is corroborated in Brand New Day.

During the former, Jonah got Peter blacklisted from being a photographer after Peter doctored some photos to exonerate Jonah of a crime he didn’t commit. Now it was very OOC for Peter to do that in the first place, but Jonah’s reaction wasn’t. Jonah was furious with Peter faking photos of Spider-Man and Electro being one and the same in the 1960s he intended to fire Peter and in spite of his youth intended to actually SUE him (further supporting his reaction in Civil War). Jonah very publicly humiliated and screwed over Peter, destroying Peter’s primary/only source of income. And he did this whilst knowing Peter had limited income and technically via marriage being Peter’s relative. He didn’t try to help Peter after the fact either. Indirectly due to Jonah Peter got a job at HORIZON labs but that was ONLY because Marla recognized his talent and helped get his foot in the door. Jonah after Marla’s death tried to shut down HORIZON labs and thereby by extension destroy another of Peter’s jobs. For Jonah his grief over Marla’s death along with his hypocritical journalistic ethics were MORE important than any affection he held for Peter Parker. They were absolutely not closer after their parental figures got married. IIRC Jonah even blamed Peter for his father’s death but correct me if I have got that wrong.

But lets return to Civil War.

During Civil War, Jonah slandered Peter in the presses and sued him. He didn’t care that this was his friend, a young man he’s known most of his life, who’s been through much pain and tragedy who as Spider-Man has saved his life repeatedly along with his family members, friends and staff. He was angry at being humiliated by him and felt betrayed, but amidst all this he first and foremost saw him as that menace Spider-Man who got one over on him, not as the decent kid he knew who must not actually be the menace he thought he was.

As if suing him was not bad enough, Jonah went further. He sought out Peter’s old girlfriend Deb Whitman when she was out of work and her mother was seriously ill and exploited her by providing an author to write a biased, twisted account of her relationship with Peter Parker/Spider-Man in order to further tear him down in the public eye.

When his close friend Joe Robertson called Jonah out for continuing to punch down on the now fugitive Peter Parker when his aunt was in the hospital, Jonah fired him.

Furthermore in Peter David’s final issue of Friendly Nieghborhood Spider-Man Peter and Jonah confront one another in the wake of Peter’s identity going public. Peter allows Jonah to hit him as much as he likes to get his anger out and insults him to get him to react. Jonah repeatedly punched Peter in the face! Now sure, he did admit that it was easier to hate Spider-Man when he didn’t know he was Peter, but that wasn’t him saying he DIDN’T hate him. Again...he hit him repeatedly in the face.

And on top of that the issue ends with Jonah

a) Admitting that he was only dropping his lawsuit and smear campaign because he realized Peter on some level wanted to be punished for his mistakes and Jonah didn’t like being used

b) Admitting that he doesn’t mind tearing down and humiliating Peter/Spider-Man so long as Peter doesn’t help him to do it

c) Literally saying and I quote: “I really hate that F.N. Spider-Man.”

Pretty clear cut ain’t it.

Jonah’s hate for Spider-Man>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Jonah’s affection for Peter.

So when we find ourselves at this point in time where Jonah finds out Peter is Spider-Man and IIRC pretty much immediately reacts by becoming an ally and confidant to Peter, viewing him first and foremost as his friend Peter Parker and not the menace he believed Spider-Man to be, he is very aggressively NOT in character. He is very aggressively NOT acting the way his established characetrization dictates he would act in that situation.

This stuff isn’t a minor little back up story, it was a big part of TWO concurrent ongoing event stories (Civil War-Back in Black). You can’t ignore this stuff.

There are those who would say that Jonah’s situation in Zdarsky’s run is different so his different reaction is justified. The problem with this is that you can’t just handwave any given difference in context as justifying any different reaction, they have to add up.

So would Jonah when his wife is dead, when he’s lost the Bugle, lost his major public respect, lost his father, lost his adoptive daughter and straight up admits that his hatred for Peter is ALL he has in his life REALLY react more positively and sympathetically to learning Peter is Spider-Man than he did when his fortunes were the exact opposite of all of that.*

Absolutely not! That is wholly unrealistic.

If all he has in his life IS his outright pathological hatred for Spider-Man then suddenly finding out Spider-Man is the guy he partially blames for the death of his father, didn’t like that much, ripped off for years and whom he cared so little for he took away his source of work even though he HELPED Jonah, would never ever make Jonah DROP his hatred.

If Jonah reacted the way he did in Civil War when his life was going well then he’d react WORSE nowdays when it’s going worse!

Then we come to Peter revealing his identity in the first place.

This is aggressively stupid and even more out of character than Jonah’s opposite reaction during Civil War.

Given Jonah’s pathological crusade against Peter, given how Jonah blacklisted him, tried to further destroy him during Civil War, JJJ’s funding robots and super villains and just everything he knows about Jonah, its both irresponsibly risky to his loved ones and wholly unrealistic for Peter to EVER reveal his secret to Jonah.

Consider ALL the people Peter knows who have proven themselves more friendly, trustworthy and over all loyal to him whom he DIDN’T reveal his identity to.

Flash Thompson

Betty Brant

Aunt Anna

Joe Robertson

Felicia Hardy (before she went psycho in Slott’s run)

Oh and you know AUNT MAY!

ALL of those people had proven their friendship and loyalty to Peter when they used to know his identity and for some of them even before that.

But he didn’t, and in some cases, has continued to keep them all in the dark...but he told Jonah?!

That’s incredibly out of character and nuclear levels illogical. It makes even less sense than you know...Jonah not remembering that he USED to know Peter’s identity. Remember how Slott established that unmasking in front of someone would immediately restore their memories from before the Mindwipe? Well guess what, Zdarsky et al just IGNORED that for Jonah because that’s just wonderful writing right there.

I get that Jonah going back to not knowing would be a regression. I get that this new direction is new and fresh because it’s never been done before.

But the thing is regression isn’t always a bad thing and something new and fresh isn’t always a good thing.

In the Clone Saga Peter had developed into a grimdark mentally broken anti hero which was something never done before. It was executed competently in so far as it was realistic, made sense and had a lot of thematic and psychological layers to it. And it was new, shiny and fresh!. But is anyone really going to argue that regressing him back to being the mentally stable more optimistic Spider-Man was a BAD thing?

No.

I’m not saying regressing Jonah back to not knowing would be a good thing, but I am saying his characterization after he found out was a bad thing because this is not who he is. If another story tried to better explain and justify it in some way, maybe.

But frankly I find the entire idea that Jonah would so quickly pull a 180 on his decades long attitude to Spider-Man frankly BS.

*What is worse is that the story itself outright ignores the fact that Jonah HASN’T lost everything in his life, he still has his pride and joy his son John. For years Jonah persevered thanks to and for his son John, with implications that it was because of his son John being overlooked that he hated Spider-Man in the first place. So Jonah hasn’t even lost everything as he claims!

Also Jonah hated Spider-Man back when the only relative he had was his son!

#Spider-Man #J. Jonah Jameson #Peter Parker #Betty Brant #Aunt May #May Parker #Flash Thompson #Mysterio #Civil War 2006 #Marvel Civil War 2006 #Marvel Civil War #Joe Robertson #Chip Zdarsky

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