#but it also sucks feeling like I’m giving up a part of myself to progress on another part of myself

[dahldahlbills]

I really need to get serious about personal projects again

#I think I said something like this last year too lol #currently in a weird headspace about it #the biggest reason why I lost focus on them was bc I prioritized engaging in fandom #(something that I never really did when I was focused on publishing a few years back) #so part of me feels like in order to make considerable progress on projects again I need to cut myself off from fandom #and I kinda have been weening myself off a bit from animanga but not really for that reason #it was mostly bc I was getting overwhelmed by how much I was consuming and I wanted to appreciate things fully #I don’t think I’d cut myself off from fandom completely either I’d still try to keep up with stuff #but the idea of not engaging in fandom anymore kinda.. scares me? #idk I feel like a major loser admitting this lol #it just feels like I’d lose a lot of connections with people #and would lose a lot of the love I have for stories if I’m not actively interacting with them :( #and then there’s also that stupid feeling of being a ‘fake fan’ because I’m not dedicating every single second of free time to fandom #which is dumb bc like I have a life and need to make money yknow I got things to do #im just Stressed bc I’m at such a critical stage career wise and im getting closer to 26 so hhhhh healthcare coverage will be up in the air #so I really can’t afford to dawdle #there’s just so much I wanna do and while I’m not necessarily racing to get it done I still want to take advantage of the time I have #but it also sucks feeling like I’m giving up a part of myself to progress on another part of myself #I don’t think any of this makes sense sorry I just needed to dump my thoughts bc I am Terrified™️ #anyway personal projects! gotta get back to those ! #blahblahbills #delete later

[shesbackagain]

Omg !! Thank you thank you thank you!! For answering! You are such an Angel!😭🩷🩷! When I ask most girls, they don’t reply 😭! So thank you so much!

I have an okay butt! But only due to genetics too🥲(thank you family 🫶🏾) ! But lately, it’s been looking a little less firm. So I’ve been working out since august of last year! And finally! I’m seeing some progress! Barely you know. It’s taken me on such a roller coaster of emotions and self doubt if I should even go to the gym 😭 but thank goodness I did not give up! I’ve been waking up at 5 am to go!! Changing my eating habits, and eating less processed foods/ incorporating a bit of protein! And it’s finally paying off 😭!

So! When I stumbled upon your blog and absolutely wow! You are beyond inspiring! You are so pretty!😭🩷. (Please I’m not a creep, I swear they’re compliments 😭) like your cake is so firm and perky, and lifted! And the shape is just wow! Like my mouth dropped when I saw your pictures! You are so so beautiful! ✨.

My upper body isn’t the best either 😅🥲. But i prioritize it just because I have too😭. But I’ll incorporate more of the hip abduction/adduction, and hyperextension!! I usually avoid those because I’m so shy to use the machines 😭😂. Like I usually grab my weights and bar and go into a little corner of a room! But I’ll give them a try!💪🏼.

Same here I don’t have a fixed workout plan either! And you are absolutely so right about not seeing how far we’ve come with seeing what our body can endure. Or do workouts that used to be difficult at the beginning, but know they’ve become easier🩷 Like it just made sense to me, that I’ve been working out since august of 2023! And barely this month is where I have felt at my happiest and lightest emotionally. My body can finally keep up 😭. My body is looking different and I love how I’m changing physically 🥹.

But thank you so much for answering my ask! It means so much to me! I’m so sorry I’m like spilling my emotions here 😅. It just means a lot. And you are absolutely so nice and sweet and you look good!😁🩷

By any chance,(sorry to bother 🥲) would you mind sharing what your protein intake? 🩷 is it mostly through foods, or are you also taking a specific protein powder? 😯

No worries! I'm happy to help in any way I can 🤗

Congrats on those 8 months going to the gym!!!!!!!!!!🎉🎉🎉 You should be proud of yourself for sticking with it 😊😊😊 I'm a newbie too, I've started going to the gym on September 23' 💪

I know it's hard to keep going because I felt so anxious and dumb and out of place at the beginning of this journey 🫣 so I'm happy for you and myself haha creating a habit is difficult!!!!!! 😤

I'm glad you are finally seeing progress and it's a big part of staying motivated to keep working out and eat more home cooked meals and all the healthy stuff we try to do even if we don't succeed all the time 😂

Thank you for the compliments I appreciate them 💖

Today I did some upper body workout and ugh 😩 it's always like 'am I doing enough?' because I don't feel that strong haha my goal is to do pull ups one day 🙌🙌🙌🙌

You should try those exercises, I know I'm shy too and sometimes I don't want to be in front of everyone but I suck it up and do it and to be honest I've been saying to myself that I'll try squats on the Smith machine for ages and I haven't had the courage to do it yet just to not make a fool of myself 🫣🥲 so I get it

About the protein intake I couldn't tell because the only thing I do is to be more mindful of what I eat and I try to eat a good amount of protein with every meal. But yes, I use protein powder too, sometimes I have a protein shake with some fruit or baked oats with the protein powder or with yogurt but mostly when I think that I haven't eaten that much protein or if I have had workout that day. What I've been told is that if you're trying to gain muscle you should eat around 2 grams per kilo of protein depending on your weight 🤓

(I take myprotein whey powder)

Thank you for sharing your gym story with me ☺️

#sunny answers

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Rachel,

I have a few questions if you don’t mind:

1. How do you get comfortable writing the story of your heart? I’ve been pushing off big story ideas that I want to write so that I can get better at writing. But like what if that’s making me feel less motivated or am I just being annoying about it? Maybe I should just suck it up and practice something easier because I honestly don’t have the skills for a complex novel idea.

2. Do you ever look at other writers progress and process and feel bad about your own? Because I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately and trying to adapt to every writers process is impossible and not fun. But I’m stifled by the fear of doing things wrong even though there’s not really a “wrong” way to write.

3-4. I want to participate in nano but I’m a student so it’s going to be a challenge. Since you also were a student do you have any tips? I’ve heard from others that I should just give up writing while in school and every time it hurts, even though I know they don’t mean me any harm. I just want to know if it’s really impossible. So I guess this really is a 2 part question: Do you have any time management tips for writing as a student and do you have any tips for starting nano for the first time?

Hi hi hi!

1. Tbh, my best advice is just to write what you want. If that’s the hard thing, then go for the hard thing. I skirted around difficult projects thinking I didn’t have the skill set for them but that just led me to never writing them. The truth is you’re always going to be missing something before writing a project—writing is an evolutionary art form for that reason, so it’s intrinsic that we learn and fail as we go.

2. I don’t really feel bad when comparing myself to other writers but this probably is mostly because I generally don’t have negative self-talk anymore (IDK WHERE IT WENT LOL) but you’re absolutely not alone in this feeling (& I know I’ve felt this way in the past). You’ve got it right that there’s no one process, and tbh, the thing you might have to do is just constantly remind yourself of that when writing in order to push through. A lot of the time if writing is sticking for me for a more abstract reason like this I have to grit my teeth and keep reminding myself it’s okay to be imperfect, etc.

3. To be verrrryyy honest with you, I struggled to balance writing & school and while I don’t think you have to give up writing while being a student, something a lot of the times naturally has to give since being a student is so time consuming. Not to be discouraging at all but just as a precursor because I was never able to successfully do NaNo when I was in school (not even in high school) EXCEPT for in 2022, and that was for a couple reasons. Mostly, I just put school on the back burner haha. I’m not recommending this but at that point in my degree I was tired of how I was being treated & not being able to prioritize my own writing & I started to push the boundaries of my academics to see how much I could let go in order to write. This is not something I responsibly recommend, but it’s what I did. I wrote a lot in lectures (….. oops lol) & pulled back a bit on assignments (I still did as well as I typically do which is when I realized for me I could put in less effort into school & get the same results—just MY experience, again not a recommendation).

So I’m not saying it’s impossible but I don’t want to make it seem like I was able to juggle both. I wasn’t lol! I skipped classes, I BS’d assignments & that’s bc school wasn’t my priority anymore (this was 100% best for my mental health & I surprisingly academically performed the best I ever have & also graduated #1 in my faculty BUT I thrive off of chaotic timetables & doing things when I’m not supposed to lol, so again not a recommendation & just context as to how I did it).

Otherwise, a couple things I did: edited late at night when I was too tired to draft & added words through line level edits. Used scene ideas from old books & propagated them into the new book. Prepped a little in advance by drafting (or you could outline) so I knew where I was going. Got ahead by 1k as much as I could. It also helped that I was at the exact right place at the exact right time to do nano (literally got right to the climax at the very end), so a lot of my success I think was also luck.

My biggest tip for starting NaNo for the first time is to be open for your expectations to change & to listen to yourself as you go because a word count isn’t worth your mental health! If you can plan around busy days that can also help too. November was always the worst month for deadlines when I was in school, so if you’re falling behind it’s soooo okay! Have fun with it—NaNo isn’t supposed to be stressful, so if it is it’s okay to amend the goal to suit your lifestyle! :)

#asks

[moonlarked]

So I just wanted to talk a little bit about the Songs post I made and the responses!

First of all: thank you @soryasongsaa @cogaytes @dizzythegreat @thebestbookshelf for responding! It means a lot to me that people are being so nice and willing to explain stuff!! ❤️❤️

My personal thoughts reading: I think it’s pretty messy. There’s no excuse for the stereotyping; it just seems lazy and unresearched. As someone who wants to get into writing myself, I would research for hours before even considering writing about a culture that isn’t my own. And, yeah, they’re elves, they don’t have human ethnicities, so it would be kinda weird to specify them as a specific nationality while not doing the same for the white coded characters, but Shannon should’ve put more into their characters.

Anyway, I still love the Songs. I feel like they’ve been fleshed our more, but it’s been pretty rocky. And now I’m gonna stop bc I don’t want to say more about a subject that I don’t really have a say in.

Thanks for giving me your perspective!

(below the cut is more of a personal vent, so you can stop here if you want. ❤️)

I’m gonna talk about my OCD now and how it connects to this situation.

It’s hard to explain, but basically I’ve discovered that I need my special interest (I’m autistic) to be perfect. If I find something that’s problematic about it - like a social media post - I’m gonna take the whole day to ruminate to try to get rid of that awful panic. Which sucks, because I have a life beyond fandom.

This started with Wanda Maximoff. The movie version. Basically the first character I ever really connected with due to her mental struggles and anxiety and coping mechanisms. I saw a lot of myself in WandaVision.

Now, this is Tumblr, and a lot of this discourse is on Tumblr, but in case you aren’t caught up: basically: Wanda Maximoff is a Jewish-Romani woman. The comic version, that is. The movie version is a white woman from a made up country called Sokovia. And many posts have called out the way that the mcu translation has been… less than accurate. They’ve added stereotyping and outdated tropes while not even letting her be her original ethnicity. And the actress playing her hasn’t exactly been well researched on the situation - she’s pretty ignorant and has said some problematic stuff.

“Whiteness” is a controversial subject and many people have argued over the race of Romani and Jewish people. Not to mention her representation in the comics is less than progressive in some areas. But having Wanda being played by a white woman takes away meaningful rep from historically persecuted minority groups.

Is any of this my fault? No. Did I still have a mental breakdown frequently about this? Yes.

You have to understand - I ADORED this character. In many ways I still do. This doesn’t excuse the problematic parts, but it caused me to be in constant self-loathing. I convinced myself I was horrible because I related to to this character. This caused me to look up posts about this subject in hopes of something that would fix this, something to prove all these people wrong.

It was a cycle. I wanted to die frequently. It may seem like I was overreacting, but my mind was in constant panic mode and to me this seemed incredibly important.

You know what saved me? Well, talking to my parents of course, and learning about ocd, and getting counseling.

But also: Keeper.

Returning to a series that genuinely gave me joy. Letting myself escape.

That’s where the Song twin controversy comes in.

You’ll probably guess I was pretty panicked when I found out about this controversy. It felt like Wanda all over again. I feel like I’m falling into this cycle again.

But I’m deciding I’m not gonna let myself do that.

I’m gonna accept the bad. I’m gonna like what I like. And I’m gonna talk about my feelings instead of bottling them up.

The Song twins are problematic. People have a right to call them out.

And I still love Kotlc. I will continue to love it and talk to others who love it.

I’m not going to fall into that misery again. I’m going to tell my ocd to fuck off. I’m going to go to therapy. I’m going to get better.

❤️❤️❤️

#kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #kotlc discourse #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #aur’s mental health #self harm #mental health issues #tam song #kotlc tam #linh song #kotlc linh #mai song #quan song

[cbk1000]

anonymintea said: @cbk1000 what other historical lesbian books would you recommend?👀 a restless truth by freya marske comes to mind, though that’s the second in her series, and pull of the stars which is also by emma donoghue!

Sadly Sarah Waters is mostly it so far as my experiences in historical lesbian fiction go. I think mostly because this is a severely overlooked genre that more writers need to get writing for stat. I will have to check out the ones you've mentioned, though!

mcchickenbetch said: I’m reading the LOTR novels for the first time and have very mixed feelings about them. On the one hand, the sheer scale of STUFF Tolkien came up with?? Incredible. Blows every other fantasy “writer” out of the water. It’s like if I asked someone about the history of continental Europe and they gave me an extremely detailed history beginning with the Roman Empire, except they also have to make literally the entire thing up. It’s crazy.

mcchickenbetch said: On the other hand, is Tolkien a good storyteller? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’ve read much better storytelling than this. I think you get more depth from the characters in the movies, although maybe my opinion will change by the time I’m finished with the last book. And, as many others have said before me, world building (even at the impressive scale of Tolkien) is not the same as storytelling.

I have complicated feelings about these books. I was that one nerdy fantasy reader who as a kid somehow never got round to reading Harry Potter or LOTR; I still don't have any interest in Harry Potter, but I've been trying to make my way through LOTR again recently. I did finish the first and second book a few years ago, but it was kind of a limping progress. Then because it had been a while, I decided to give the whole trilogy another go before trying to read the last book, and that's what I've been doing for the last couple of months in between reading other books. The problem is that I DO find parts legitimately fascinating, and Tolkien was drawing on inspiration from various sagas as a framework for his storytelling (apparently he's popular amongst a lot of medievalists) to give it the scope and grandeur of those works. All of these things should appeal to me. But what happens is I do get sucked in for a bit, then I get bogged down, have to force myself through, hit another patch where I'm enjoying myself, and then it's back to feeling that I'm slogging through. I've read lots of Victorian literature and have a high tolerance for dense prose, so it's not that. It should appeal to the language nerd and the medieval history nerd in me, and I do find part appealing or beautifully-written, but I keep getting stuck and then wandering away from it. My sister loves the trilogy and rereads it every year, but I am fighting for my life with it.

#anonymintea #mcchickenbetch #books #jenn reads

[dr-epitome]

4/11/2023!

Hi! So, you may have noticed that I made a whole announcement about after having lost my way writing CYAH and promising to rework the story, I basically disappeared off the face of the planet for the next year on the majority of my social media. I’m really sorry! Part of this was touching grass. Part of this was getting into MKGRP but we don’t need to talk about that. Mostly I wanted to address the fact that another year has come and gone, and I… am still nowhere near where I want to be with CYAH.

ASLH, the fangan that I’d written previously, was a work that influenced a lot of people, and I’m eternally thankful for all of the feedback and the people I’ve met through working on that story. That being said, its success is in large part influencing the way that I think about CYAH. Because I wanted to outdo myself, and because I’ve gotten older and better at writing and drawing, I went into CYAH with a feeling of wanting the story to be “worthy” of everything I’ve done up to this point. I came to it at least partially with the intent of making something greater to or equal than ASLH in terms of messages and meaning, while also not having a clear idea of what those would be. I also hadn’t really planned enough in the hopes of recreating that magic spontaneity that led to some really impactful lategame writing decisions, which is something I’ve mentioned in the past.

This all has contributed to me being unable to face CYAH, or ASLH for that matter - in the past two years, I’ve stopped being able to actually enjoy any of my writing or stories without wanting to tear it all out and rewrite it. Which! Sucks. And is part of a greater pattern in my life that I am currently attempting to unpack. I think something I need to remember is that ASLH is a story I wrote as a high schooler for myself, and that I don’t need it to be anything else. That CYAH should be something I work on for my present self, and that it really doesn’t need to be anything deeper than what I would like to read and tell people about. Also, lovingly, recognition is the devil.

So! Basically, I still don’t intend to abandon CYAH. It may take me some time to love it again, but I know I will get there eventually and in my own time. I don’t EXPECT any progress on it, however, so I can’t give you a time frame. I’ve been telling myself that I expect progress for the past year and a half, and really all it’s done is stress me out and make me worry even more about putting out a better story. So I want to take my time and not pressure myself. I don’t ask anything of you, and to be clear, I don’t expect anyone to wait for me, since I have no idea how long it’ll take. But mark my words, I will get it done.

Be kind to yourselves! We get older, we get busier. These things happen no matter where you are in life, and progress often isn’t linear. I’m wishing you the best as we all continue to move forward!

#crow caws #not cyah #<3 !

[feminist-fog]

—————————————————

I usually don’t respond to people like this because it just gives them what they want but this response just proves how nasty the t*rfism cult is.

i wont address this person directly, but i want to use this as an example. specifically the last part, i dont really care if misogynists think i’m not a feminist when they uphold an ideology that is inherently anti woman.

i did go non contact with t*rf ideology because i don’t want to “peak” again AKA get sucked back into the lies and conspiracies that forced me to deny my true self and led me into a self hating depressed state.

“peaking” is specifically a term i now find interesting. it now makes me think of when normal people go down the qanon rabbit hole and it really is scarily similar. both are rooted in antisemitic anti-science beliefs. how you progressively go up and up and finally you reach the peak of all the beliefs but its all downhill from there.

this person’s bio also said they are a “dysphoric woman” so i feel especially bad since i can relate to them but i was lucky enough to finally escape and accept myself.

(i’m a bit tired so sorry if there are any misspells)

#anti terf #transphobia #transmisogyny #cult mention #alt right pipeline #misogyny #trans rights #feminist #feminism #trans inclusive feminism #queer #trans women are women

[x-neurodivergent-reader]

Important Update.

OK... I was going to wait to release this post until I’d finished more of the requests I have left, especially since I wasn’t certain as to whether I would be going through with this - but with the state of my mental health at the moment, I’ve decided that I will.

This is probably going to be a pain to hear, given how many accidental “hiatuses” I’ve had due to getting too sucked into my uni work... but, yeah – once I’ve finished Learning From Him and all the requests I have left to complete, I’ve decided to take an actual, official break from this blog for a while.

I’ve answered some potential questions that I expected to come out of this under the cut. It got quite rambly, so I bolded the important bits, for those of you who might otherwise find it difficult to read.

~

Is this permanent?

No, it’s just a break. I don’t know how long it will be, but I will be back sooner or later, whether you like it or not!

I know that my writing means a lot to some, if not most, of you, and I don’t have the heart to permanently take that away from you. The blog itself and its fics will stay up, and I will return to writing for them at some point in the future.

~

Why are you leaving?

The main reason is because, to put it simply, I just don’t enjoy writing these fics anymore. I had my special interest in the MCU for years, and my silly little autistic brain has had trouble latching onto something else to make me feel as inspired and engaged in my hobbies.

As a result, since I lost interest in the MCU – to the point where I’ve grown to outright dislike it, as sad as that is to say – I’ve been feeling very “stuck”, creatively. The idea of writing – or making art, or even engaging with much media in general – just feels like a chore to me now. I think I need to take some time away, until I can gain some inspiration for my hobbies in general back, and learn to fully love them again.

There’s also the fact that I’ll be going back to university soon. The past year that I passed (with flying colours, I’m happy to say!) was a foundational year, so the next year might be more challenging and, therefore, even more time-consuming. I’ll be learning a lot of new skills that I didn’t know/only knew the very basics of before, and I want to put in the effort that they will need for me to get better at them. I am hoping that working on new projects for my course will help me get out of this artistic rut I’m going through, but only time will tell.

I am hoping to take more measures to avoid getting burnt out again – one of those measures, aside from resting and getting more fresh air, is to take time to focus on personal projects that I’ve been developing for a while, so I’m not just doing either work or nothing at all. With how I feel towards it at the moment, I don’t think writing fanfiction/making fan content will be sufficient enough to help me with this, right now.

~

What about my request?

It might be a little slow going due to the aforementioned lack of motivation but, again, I do want to finish any requests I have left before leaving. I don’t want to leave them for the better part of a year, like I did with Learning From You’s last chapter.

I am trying to take every measure I can to get myself to finish the requests – with the way they’re progressing at the moment, my rough estimate is that I’ll get them finished, and start my break, by around late September to mid-October. I don’t want to make any promises, though!

~

Will you give this blog to someone else?

No. I’m admittedly a bit protective over what gets posted here, and don’t have anyone that I trust enough to take over the blog while I’m gone. As nice as that solution might be in theory, it just doesn’t appeal to me at all.

I do know that there are other active neurodivergent!reader blogs out there to indulge you in the meantime, though! If you happen to know of any, feel free to reply to this post with recommendations, so others can go check them out (please do include content warnings where necessary, since a lot of my followers who might be interested are minors)!

I also encourage any of you who might be interested in writing to start a blog of your own! Not only will it serve as good practice if you want to write in the long-term, but I found through writing for this blog that there are a lot of people with different neurodivergences who look to these types of fics for comfort. If you want to see yourself be represented more in fanfiction, and write fics that will be meaningful to the people they’re directed at, I highly recommend trying it out! You’re also free to boost your blog in the replies to this post, if you do.

~

Can I find you anywhere else?

This is a side blog, and I will still be active on my main, so you’re free to PM me any time for a chat! I also wouldn’t mind talking via the ask feature, if you want to talk more publicly for any reason (e.g. starting a group conversation, or asking for advice that I myself might not be as qualified to give).

Speaking of my main: if we’ve talked with each other for little while and I’m comfortable enough with you, I might also be willing to link you to it, so we can follow each other, and you can see the kind of nonsense I post/reblog outside of this blog in all its glory!

I also have a fic rec blog @sweet-mocha-fic-recs – I don’t know how active I’ll be there, but if you want to see fics that I like (both with ND!readers and otherwise), then you can follow me there, too. Despite my disdain for the MCU, I still read – and therefore reblog – the odd Loki fic when I’m feeling a little bit nostalgic, so there’s no need to assume that it won’t be for you if you’re still into those stories!

~

So, what now…?

I’m going to try to get my creative spark back – again, I’ve been working on-and-off on a couple of personal projects (both being webcomics), and I hope that these, and my course, will help me to build up my passion for creating things again.

~

Final note

Once again, I know how much my work has meant to a lot of you. Even if I forget to respond sometimes, I see each and every message, comment, reply and tag that many of you have left me, and I appreciate all of them – they were what allowed me to keep going with my writing for as long as I have, and I still look back on them whenever I feel down about myself or my skills.

Thank you for all of the support you have given me throughout my time writing for this blog – you have no idea how much it has meant to me. As I’ve mentioned before, I tend to close myself off from other people a lot both in real life and online, so the responses I’ve received and interactions I’ve had with you all mean a great deal to me.

Once again, you’re more than welcome to talk to me at any time. I may sometimes think “I’ll reply later” and then forget, however, so if I don’t get back to you after a week or so, please don’t be afraid to give me an extra nudge! /gen

I may also pop back onto this blog every so often to ask how you all are doing, or give a brief take about something related to the media/characters I’ve written for on here, if I happen to see anything that feels worth sharing my opinion on (perhaps the upcoming Doctor Who special, for example ;) ).

I hope you enjoy the things I have left to upload until I start my break - even if my love for creating has dwindled a bit, I am putting a lot of effort into finishing them when I can, and doing the requesters justice.

I hope you all have a pleasant day/night/etc., and once again: thank you for everything! c:

#not imagines #if I could pin both this post and my masterlist I would #but alas... :(

[quietquaking]

i’m copy/pasting a conversation i just had with my partner on mental health to here in the hopes that it might help some people. so, here we go.

*tw*: mild mentions of suicidal thoughts

my partner: i’m sorry i’m not getting better. it’s my fault.

me: there’s no reason to be sorry. and it’s not your fault.

partner: how the fuck is it not my fault

me: ok lemme try and armchair-diagnose you real quick

i’m guessing you think it’s your fault because things aren’t getting better. despite the much larger amounts of mental health representation in media these days, most of it is of people getting better. this can be good to see, but it’s also very discouraging for people still stuck in their traumatic situations, such as yourself. you compare your minimal amount of progress to theirs, and feel like you’re doing something wrong. you may also blame yourself because, quite honestly, you don’t really want to get better. maybe because you think you deserve it, or because your struggle defines your personality and you don’t think you’ll be anybody without it. or, like you said, you see the lack of progress and see what you’re doing to slow it down as well. ok. time to disprove all of those reasons.

for one, the fact that you’re not getting better is entirely expected. this is because you are still stuck in the trauma that is highschool and your household. it is quite literally impossible to get better when you are still actively getting hurt. there is no way to go about it. the main thing to do is survive, so that you have the chance to heal afterwards.

on the topic of part of you not wanting to get better, for if that’s something that applies to you. there’s really no scientific or logical way to dispel this one, so i’ll do what i can, which is offering my own personal experiences as an example. i was in that exact scenario. i came out of eighth grade a depressed, guilty, anxious, suicidal mess. for a variety of reasons. then, i started feeling a little bit better. immediately, i got so guilty and tried to make myself be depressed again. i thought i didn’t deserve the happiness, that it would prove everything i went through was just me being dramatic, and altogether fake. i also thought without my jokes about my sleep deprivation, eating habits, and suicidal wishes, i wouldn’t have a personality. i would turn bland and normal, sink into the masses of other teens who are marginally ok with everything, and disappear. well, it didn’t happen. i was slowly convinced/forced by my friends that i did deserve something better, if not happiness then at least a lack of depression. i let it go, and my issues faded, became less up-front and in my face. they’re still there now, but since i don’t hold them to close to myself, they’re much easier to handle. and, i grew a personality. you’ve seen it for yourself- i’ve grown into a flourishing young person, with lots of hobbies and talents and friends, and i actually enjoy my life, at least sometimes. it can sound impossible, and fake, and it’s easy to respond with “oh sure it worked for you, but it won’t for me”. but that’s not something you can know unless you actually give it a chance. just try. let go of your demons, and let them coexist, rather than clinging to you like an evil little thing ready to suck out all your dopamine.

now the hardest one. your own faults being magnified. you see yourself, the depressed, anxious, worn-out version that is the only one you can find. and you see the things you may be doing wrong, slowing down your own progress, digging your heels into the mountain you built out of self-hate and refusing to move forward. you connect the two, and see yourself as the problem. i won’t lie. you’re not perfect, nobody is. you’re definitely doing some things that don’t help anything, and very possibly make things worse. but that does not mean you are to blame. you are not the one that started the cycle of neglect and blame and abuse in your household. you are not the one that instigated the bullying and harassment from the assholes at school and your brother. if someone else started a fire, and you added a single log, would you blame yourself for the forest burning?

you are not the reason you are hurting. you are not the reason you’re not getting better. you can, of course, improve your own behavior, as everybody can. but you are not the root of the problem, and you have no reason to blame yourself.

(there is more if anyone is interested but i feel like this post is already long enough)

#i know this is long but if blaming yourself is something you struggle with please read it #mental health #mental health crisis #mental health help

[strawberrydykke]

some stuff

a little over 6 months ago i went on a few dates with someone, and liked them, but they decided they were too busy with school so we stopped seeing each other. i was kind of hurt by it, but i got over it. they texted me on saturday saying that they had missed me, and that they are seeking a relationship with me, if i’m open to the idea. 

honestly i’m super confused by it. and i feel a bit disenchanted with dating right now. i’ve seen other people since then and obviously none of it has gone super well for me. 

when i last saw this person, i was very fresh out of a relationship. i think i was really desperate for someone to like me because i was afraid that i had been dumped because there was just something fundamentally unlikeable about me. i didn’t have a good sense of my own boundaries. i think i’ve gotten better about that, but it’s definitely still a work in progress. and i know that i’m not an unlikeable person, i do have good qualities, reasons why people like me, want me around, and choose to be a part of my life. 

but it still feels so foreign that someone could get to know me and want me as a partner. i still haven’t decided if i want to give this person another chance. i’m really afraid that if i do, they will change their mind. i think this has a lot more to do with how my last relationship ended than it does with how i feel about myself.

basically, in my last relationship, we had been dating for two years, and i told him that i saw a future with him and needed to know that he saw a future with me too. he didn’t, so he broke up with me. he was not a very good boyfriend and i’m glad we broke up, but the reason why is still really painful for me.

on top of that, the last person i was seeing started calling me his girlfriend without really discussing it with me, and then when i asked if he wanted to be in a relationship, he said no. i decided to stop seeing him after that. 

i think i do deserve someone that wants to be with me and wants to be a good partner to me. i just don’t know if i can trust someone enough to have good intentions with my heart. 

to make things a little more complicated, i also have other crushes and people i like, but with some of those i know it’s definitely not going to work out, and with others, i would like for something to work out, but realistically i don’t think anything is going to. 

i just keep getting told very explicitly that i am not wanted in relationships. and it sucks. and it sucks that i might be putting myself in the position to get told that again.

#personal #just needed to type some stuff out so its not just bouncing around my own head

[eazysause]

tw// aftermath of severe depression, anxiety, huge existential crisis

It’s my last “young” milestone birthday. I can drink now. people my age will be having marriages soon. Maybe kids a little while later. People are graduating with degrees. People around me are rising high in their lives. something.

I can’t help but be nervous even though it’s not a competition- but it really is one in more than one aspect.

I feel I’ve done a lot more than previous years. But also I feel like I’m falling behind. I didn’t think I’d get here this far with how deep I was, but I’m scared of not getting there.

This year, I’ve learned how to drive after having a fear of driving. I’m taking medication for my depression, though not for my anxiety. I’m trying to reign in my poor lifelong physical health, and I’m trying to stay away from dairy after I realized it caused me more inflammation to drink it. I still work part time.

There’s a lot bad too. College is hard to do still for me to get even an AA with everything I need to do. Taking care of myself and loving myself is still hard. I feel like I can barely comfortably speak to others (or be accidentally rude and say too much) even though most times I feel like it’s driving me crazy not having others around.

No dates, no other milestones like first kisses, or loves… none of that. It’s too quiet at home, and I don’t have siblings. My friends irl and sometimes online feel like they are slipping away and I’m not sure how to tell them I feel this way. Sometimes I wish they got help or told me the truth, though this isn’t for every friend I talk to.

I wonder if I’m just boring or not funny at all, and really, I just make myself look stupid/naive. Or maybe I’m just so fucked up and in my own echo chambers that no one can really understand.

This is just the stuff I think about individually, anyway. Not going into the external stuff too much.

…I try not to think of the bad and inevitable the best I can… but these feelings are overwhelming and real in days like these. I haven’t really felt at peace with them even though I want to be. The pressure in my head when I think about these things suck ass.

Life is short, and mysteriously people not too much older than me are dying from cancer. I’m already predisposed to that. I want to be complete before I die and I feel like my time is running out. There’s so much I want to do still and I feel like I wasted my life away in high school.

…So, I have mixed feelings about this. My birthday isn’t anything special, but I feel like it should. Shouldn’t there be a giant celebration? I’m not sure how I’d go about it.

I wish I knew, knowing all of this. The only solaces I really have now that I know give me some sort of sense of progress are my own head and art. Or maybe it’s just validation from others.

I know maybe most people who would be living their lives wouldn’t be on sites like Tumblr. But it’s better than Twitter.

Whichever the case… happy birthday, everyone. Hope it’s a better one than my own out there. And even if it isn’t, I hope this post kind of… helps you not feel alone out there. 🎂

#birthday #reflection #long post #existential crisis

[the-wytch-is-back]

The Box Part 1 - 9.9.2018

The box had been with me for only a week… my good friend had given it to me as a going-away gift. She had been moving and said that her parents had told her to give it to somebody who meant something to her. I didn’t know what to say, the box was intricate and beautiful… some kind of puzzle box. She had apparently never learned how to open it, but then again, I had a feeling she hadn’t tried.

She was a quiet girl… one that had never much liked to mess with things that made her even a little uncomfortable. And this box… despite being beautiful and intricate, it did make me feel a bit uncomfortable. When I asked where it had come from she just said it was some kind of family heirloom, and that she felt it was finally time to part with it. Alright… seemed like the plot of some possession movie, but I had no reason not to accept a box. That’s all it was… a box. I wasn’t scared of a box, I may have been a Wiccan, but I was logical and didn’t believe some malevolent spirit was going to come out of this box and haunt me.

That may have been a lie… I was a little bit scared, but I also trusted my friend. I didn’t think she would do anything to hurt me, she had no reason to. But maybe she didn’t know… but maybe I was being paranoid.

The first night with the box was uneventful… that was until I closed my eyes to go to sleep. I had never had a dream like that before… so clear, and so realistic. Maybe it was a lucid dream… but it was just that box, on a table I had never seen before. I sat down at the table, my hands hovering above the box. I woke up before I touched it, and the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the box.

Had I left it on that table?

I found myself more and more interested in the box, and whenever I wasn’t busy with work I was either fiddling with the dark brown box or researching puzzle boxes online. It wasn’t long before I tackled the task of opening the box, and it was even less time before I started to slowly open its secrets.

The more and more I worked at the box the more vivid my dreams would get… whatever haze had been on them before was slowly lifting. And it seemed the box in my dreams reflected the progress I was making during my waking hours, but that must have just been because my mind was so focused on it.

What would my life become once I finally opened it… would there be some hidden secret inside, a treasure map, or would it be entirely empty? Could I handle that? I don’t know… but I’m going to keep working at it.

It had been a few weeks, and I felt had I finally reached a stalemate with the box. Maybe it was a cruel joke, maybe there was nothing inside of it, and it was only meant to open this far in the first place. That was evil… the thought plagued my mind. Yet, I kept working on it… trying things I felt like I had tried over and over again.

I was about to give up, but all of the sounds around me seemed to be sucked out of the room as a click resounded through it. No… it couldn’t echo like that in my room, it was too crowded with all my various knickknacks. I wondered if my housemates had heard it… and I half expected them to burst into my room. But no, nobody burst in… it was still just me sitting in a room that had fallen into darkness without me realizing. I reached over and turned on the light on my desk, had I been so absorbed I hadn’t even noticed that the sun had set outside?

I held the box in my hands now, expecting some other mechanism to keep me on the edge of my seat for days. But my hands moved apart, and with them, the box split in two. I stared wearily as a small wooden figure fell from the ornate box. It was much less intricate than the box, rough… like it had been whittled ages ago and then forgotten about for decades.

It was so small that I could hold it in one hand… and as I looked at it I couldn’t see that there was anything remarkable about it. Half of me wanted to call her, tell her I had broken into the box. The other half remembered she hadn’t responded to my texts in weeks… it was as if she had disappeared off the face of the planet. I thought she might be settling into her new home… hundreds of miles away, but that wasn’t true, was it? She was running away… from this.

I felt hollow as I stood up, looking at the box that seemed more broken than solved. I stood, a wave of dizziness washing over my body.

“Really… that’s it,” I muttered and felt that was a lie as it came from my lips. There was more, this was just the beginning.

It felt like I had only been asleep for minutes, but when I glanced over at the clock on my bedside table it blinked a red, 3:01am. I groaned, my eyes shifting up as I thought about getting a glass of water. As my eyes looked up, I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

The visage of a man screaming was clear as day, despite the near-complete darkness in my room. His open mouth made no noise, but his screams still filled my head, and I thought my head just might explode.

I jolted up in bed again… wait, had that been a dream. My eyes looked warily at the clock… still 3:01am, that was too much of a coincidence.

My eyes looked to the box, still opened… the figurine standing upright on my desk.

I could have sworn I left it laying on its side.

To be continued…

#short story #short fiction #horror #horror fiction #spilled ink #writer #writing #my writing #prose

[dustward]

This is the final part, I swear. Here I’ll talk about my favorite bit of the game and what wound up the most disappointing. Changes or lackthereof is one thing, but squandered potential, which is what all these posts ultimately aim to point out, feels the worst.

I wisely decided to shelf the main quest once Purah told me to check out Hyrule Castle (again, this was after finding Zelda and the Master Sword). I poked at the depths and the most interesting looking parts of the Sky Islands, including the thundercloud section. I was confounded with how to progress through that area, briefly convinced it was meant to be the hardest part of the game but then shortly after realizing I must’ve skipped a step somewhere. Nonetheless I pressed on through the near-zero visibility, basing my progression path on following the storm’s inward curve (I started at the very furthest edge). Extremely glad I did it this way, as I really enjoyed pushing through, that old feeling of being somewhere I knew I shouldn’t be really made reaching Dragonhead Island a satisfying win and my favorite gameplay-related venture. Sucks that it lead to my least favorite “dungeon” filled with fuse mechanic bs. And then I later found out this was a main quest destination that involved a lengthy detour I’m *extremely* glad I skipped over in Kakariko.

The funny thing is, I almost didn’t do Thunderhead. I forced myself to check it out, to give the Sky Isles at least one quick pass. To comb through the depths at all after that initial peak in the first 15 hours that led to finding auto-build. And so, let me end off on my last issue of the game and probably the most damming one of all: Re-using the overworld.

It wasn’t the fact it was still there to venture around in. It was the fact the lion’s share of the content was also still there. Unsure how many share my sentiment, but with a new game I’d very much like to explore new areas, unless the changes to the overworld were drastic enough - and they weren’t. There was a bunch of new rocks to ascend through in the hilltops. Hateno had some weird..mushroom thing going on (enjoyed the swarms of frogs implying Zelda’s choice to live there sidenote). Sometimes, Zonai and Bokoblins would fight each other, and that’s about it. Meanwhile: every cave’s found on the surface. Every well. Every civilian. Every Main Quest starts here. Most Shrines/koroks, too (with only a handful of each found in the Sky Isles)

The most critical rewards were all still on the damn overworld!! The ones most crucial to player progression!!!! Why not put koroks in the depths? Why not Shrines? Couldn’t have a mix of them and lightroots for some “logical” reason? Little of the game is logical when you have lasers and rockets and Yiga riding around on scooters. Making all the major finds of the depths focused on auto-build and zonai materials was a big mistake. How is the giant hollow underground not a place to find caves in? How do none of the chasms themselves lead to a cave? How did they manage double Hyrule’s size and not think to put a settlement or two down there?????

I wanted to check out the depths and sky isles far earlier, but I needed my stamina, I needed some bulk, and I absolutely needed some inventory slot upgrades. By the time I did all that via heavily repeated/low effort content around the overworld - I was ready to put the game down, and I’d only done the Rito quest by that point.

In my ideal game, the one Nintendo never would’ve made, you’d of started in the depths, with a tutorial section and slow progression until you main quest’d enough to be allowed access to the surface, which would’ve had actual, meaningful time to become more ruined from Ganondorf’s influence. It wouldn’t have been a far stretch to imagine the various races flee underground. Then you could more easily slip in more unique, menacing enemies up top while keeping all the old favorites underground. The natural, wall-like barriers of the underground would’ve easily kept players funneled while still giving them a ton of wiggle room for how they approached the different regions and what order to do so.

As for the Sky Isles, they were similarly disappointing when I realized most of what I was seeing was a handful of sky dives i did within 2-3 tries (that is, getting the new record times) and the same layouts of islands that led to good old Nothing Shrines. It probably wasn’t feasible, but I wonder if they could’ve had even larger chunk of Hyrule detach and float up into the sky, as a clearcut way of hiding away more difficult content (shrines, mini-bosses, etc.)

Given Link’s new sky-friendly momentum via Ubisoft Towers and Tulin’s gust (which while not as great as Revali’s I still concede was pretty useful), you’d think they’d be careful with how to design certain challenges. And yet, all too often I’d find myself getting to shrines and other locations via paraglider that I was meant to struggle to reach on the ground via a combat gauntlet, an environmental puzzle, or a maze of sorts.

The scope-creep of the world definitely outpaced anything the devs were capable of, and I’m wondering why they overreached so much when they didn’t have enough enemy variety, suitable rewards, or unique structures/layouts to apply to them.

110 hours spent on Bloat of the Wild 2, Tedious of the Kingdom. If there winds up a third game for this saga, I won’t be getting it.

#dustward played botw2 #dusty text #botw2 spoilers

[opals4eyez]

36 hours

My biopsy is on Wednesday. 

I’ve been minimizing it all month. Today in yoga I imagined the scream/tears of joy I will release on Friday at work if my test results come back negative. I envisioned myself running out of the break room to tell all my peers that it’s come back negative. If positive.. I think I will continue to shut down. I feel almost full of manic energy. If positive, I don’t know if I’ll want to share with my coworkers. I don’t want to be pitied. But I also want support. If positive this is going to be very difficult me, I am not used to asking for support.

 I only slept 4 hours. Did yoga for 2.5 and hiked for 3 today. Healthy outlets.

Last night I had a vivid nightmare. I was like a mermaid and diving deep deep down into the ocean, the cold parts of the ocean where it is dark and little life. I wasn’t scared. Then suddenly I was back on land and there were many moving parts, many people. I remember running. Being in some sort of bar like establishment and running from something out of the mist.. an impending doom about to sweep. I remember there was my cousin T and my ex and they were somehow romantically linked. I remember a profound feeling of betrayal.

I can’t shake my feeling of constantly getting screwed in life and having to constantly get back on my feet. It is so ironic and fucked that I was sitting in my therapists office in late April talking about how amazing I felt and how on top of the world I was. Fate continues to test me. 

I just don’t want to be a sick girl. I don’t want to lose my boob I’m scared it could be the triple negative/aggressive cancer. I want MY nipples. I want my titties sucked. IM PISSED THAT I SPENT THE LAST 3 YEARS WITH A MAN WHO DIDNT SUCK MY TITTIES. I don’t want this possible cancer to be lurking behind me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to die. I feel like I just started living.. 

I don’t want to backtrack on my physical fitness. I’ve been saying so often lately that I’m in the best shape of my life. I feel so physically good. I am making so much progress. I am breaking the generational trauma. I’m doing the work. I have so many aspirations, I’m making good money and friends. My OWN friends. My confidence is up. I SANG KARAOKE. I dance now. Why does life continue to test me. Can’t I have an easy year? 

I am just going to be so happy if it’s negative. If not.. I will take it on, but I don’t want to crumble again :(

In other news my flirtation with brandon has continued.  he texts me a lot, hes very sweet. I think I like him. but I am refusing to give any legitimacy to this whole twin flame soul mate bullshit. I was telling my romantic sweet friend amy about it today and she is just like “whyyy dont you” because, well, I couldn’t stop talking about him today on our hike.

and I do really like him. i always have. But I don’t want to get lost in another person. He doesn’t seem to like to travel. i dont want to sacrifice my life vision for anyone.

But my life vision didnt involve breast cancer at 32. Maybe fate is funny. He doesn’t seem scared off by it.

My therapist said if he wants to support me I should let him. We’ll see.. No one takes care of me. I take care of everyone else.. I had come to terms that it was just never going to be that way. 

[keefwho]

December 31 - 2022

9:36 AM

I slept in an hour to help make up for last night. I’m still tired but I guess I feel okay. I don’t know what I want to do today. Probably nothing creative. I kinda feel like doing literally anything as long as I pass the time. I just don’t want to stress about anything right now. Tomorrow I have yearly finance stuff to do and then it’s back to commissions like usual. I’m still being soy about getting commissions done. I can never do it on time and sometimes I don’t even do the whole 2 hours. I WILL do the whole 2 hours if I have to but if I get any amount ahead I tend to slack. There is no solution to this other than buckling down and getting it done. It sucks that it feels this big struggle I have to look forward to every day but it should get better. I used to feel like that about my anxiety too but I’ve made so much progress from when I first started doing something about it. 

11:17 AM

I’m sad that I tend to document sad times more than happy times. It’s because I want someone to reach out and help but that is never healthy for me to expect. Most of the time it makes me MORE sad because people either don’t take the hint or don’t think it’s their place to intervene. It’s not realistic of me to expect anyone to both know I’m sad and care enough to help. But I hate suffering in silence. Its probably for the best though. I’ll try to tone back the negative posting and focus on positive things more. I know myself in the future will appreciate looking back and reading about the things I enjoyed rather than only my troubles. 

The only thing I’ve enjoyed this morning is getting cozy and watching Bluey. I might lay in bed and watch other things, or play Earthbound maybe. Its a good day to pour hours into a game.

3:34 PM

Maybe for every negative thing I have to talk about, I can bring up something positive too. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and how I behave in relationships in general. I know I mold myself around others a lot, maybe too much. It’s hard to understand when I should stop fitting to them and let them fit to me. I have noticed that most of my friendships in the past can end up one sided. I give in too much doing whatever they want to do but seldom do they make the same sacrifice for me. I always do it out of kindness and I honestly enjoy taking part in other people’s interests. It hurts when whatever I want to do is frequently declined. At this point I think I’ve stopped bothering even considering it. I completely forget that doing what I want to do with others is even an options. It’s why I end up playing singleplayer games only. My brain has learned my interests must not be compatibly with basically anyone. I know thats not true but this is how I’ve become molded by experience. Its really hard to break out of mental beliefs like this. This one is very deeply engrained. 

I guess I’m also not sure who I am as an individual either because of this. Deep down I feel like I shouldn’t try to be myself because it clearly hasn’t work very well in the past. I’ve become aware of this and have been trying to figure out what I truly desire but it’s been a rocky path. I still really don’t know. 

On a positive note, my tummy isn’t acting up and I’ve been keeping myself busy working on this present. At first I projected that if I focused on only doing it today, I might actually be able to get it mostly done. That might have been realistic but I had to shower and eat and today is a good day to have mom try to scan me again. No matter what, my goal right now is to keep doing something so I don’t get trapped in my own head anymore. I guess this isn’t very positive but I feel like I’m in mental survival mode. Like if I don’t get to the bottom of what is causing me anguish, I will break down again eventually. 

7:11 PM

I’ve been depressed as fuck all day and of course now my tummy is acting up. I felt super okay all day now all of the sudden I’m in pain. It’ll probably just pass in a little bit but still. What the fuck. I really don’t want to be alive right now. No drink for me tonight I guess.

This seems unlikely to me but I was researching if vitamins can upset your stomach and there is a special kind of sugar they use that fucks with certain people. The vitamins I take have that sugar and I’m wondering if it could be contributing to my issues. I have noticed that for that week-ish period of my tummy being consistently abnormal, I was especially diligent about taking my vitamins. And the past few days which have been much more normal, I stopped taking them. I don’t know if it would kick in this fast but I had a vitamin with my lunch a few hours ago and now my stomach is hurting. I’m going to stop taking the vitamins for awhile. 

12:11 AM

I still don’t know why I get sad like this. I guess everything I’m unhappy about in my life all comes crashing down at once every now and then. It’s all too much to handle or chip away at so I get overwhelmed. 

In my pain I find my values, and as weird as it is to admit, I value love. I want love. I want to commit and be committed to. 

I want to believe my friends think about me as much as I think about them. I want to believe they would care if they didn’t hear from me for awhile, instead of forgetting me and moving on. 

I want to feel welcome and included which I can only do if I improve my empathy. 

I want to feel like I have a purpose. I need something to do that makes an impact to others. 

I want to be bold enough to take the time to do things I actually want to do instead of trying to “save energy” or put them off until later. 

These are the things I can think of that would make me immediately happy. I’m sad that I’m lacking in these things. Soon I’ll go back to masking it and being generally functional but until I meet these kinds of requirements, I’ll likely keep plummeting into fits of depression. 

I don’t have anything positive to say. I’m sad and I’ve been sad all day. I’m extremely worried about the future. I’m so fucking upset I spent today alone. I feel like a total loser. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like I’m not cared for. No one invited me to anything. No one was around when I went asking. I’m just all by myself. 

[hhappyelf]

Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Hot damn it’s cold :P

Life update at 3:00 AM... Old habits die hard I guess.

I never thought I’d make mistakes as I did this year but the path to progress is a long one. ;( I think I finally found out how to enjoy myself even past my anxiety. I went to therapy and went on escitalopram for a few months and decided to quit it since it wasn’t helping anymore. I believe it has done it’s job and my brain has been changed to think differently and I’m finally enjoying myself :)

Not gonna lie, I’ve had the least amount of money since years ago but I’m 100x happier... Happy enough to try making more money. Still lonely I guess but it’s difficult to not feel judged and whatnot by the smallest comments. I had an argument with my mom and her friend about me being sensitive to everything. Oh yeah, I’m at my grandparents now with no-contact basis with my mom. Eh I think I’m done with everything they say. Hard to care enough to reconnect to be honest. Whatever words they say, the results are what I see and they kinda suck. Good luck with whatever religious quest you’re doing I suppose, just leave me out of it. 

I’ve picked up shrimp keeping. I found something I love and it happens to be shrimp for some reason? Just find them fascinating and cute for some reason. Spending hundreds and hundreds on shrimps and aquarium supplies. I would like to pick up aquascaping with shrimp in the future. Currently working part time at my old work place as a CAD tech and enjoying it so far. Part time is just enough before I start getting bored of the week haha. My entire team speaks in Viet for the most part and I have to be trained in it even with my shoddy Viet-glish. Like imagine these industry terms and acronyms and they’re saying it with a vietnamese accent, can’t understand jack hahaha. Chill group of older peeps, although they seem kind of conceited? The supervisor was roasting them about giving me projects that were too complicated since I’m a rookie; though 5 minutes ago my team was roasting me while training me haha. Music is still a huge part of my life, can’t understand why it isn’t for most people? I think it has something to do with life experience. I think I’m supposed to enjoy other things more? Just depression things I guess haha but we’ll take it day by day. :D I was gonna pick up dancing but my budgets lookin a little tight... And I should probably start gyming more consistently instead of dancing since I’m so out of shape? Also want a tattoo.. Paul’s getting an oni on his forearm. SO COOL

Bonfire on the 3rd of December coming up. I’m hosting it but It’s always hard for me. Some days I dread planning it and following through and some days I can’t wait to hang out with all my friends. Just so tiring sometimes, don’t know how people have the energy to socialize all the time.

Man I’m all over the place during these logs again. Wonder if I’ll ever grow up haha