#despite probably being there for the conception of 'chimney'

[grunckle]

On stars, guardians, and Rain World’s cosmology.

One aspect of Rain World lore that’s asked about quite a lot but normally never gets satisfying answers is the topic or Rain World’s space/universe/cosmology. Despite first impressions though, there’s a lot more it than meets the eye, so I thought I would compile most everything we know about it.

For one, to get it out of the way, Rain World isn’t on a planet, and its universe is fundamentally different from our own. This is something Joar has talked about on occasion.

He also said on an earlier dev log how Rain World functions more like a fantasy world where it doesn’t hold much relevance than a real sci-fi like planet.

“Oh, another thing - Rain World isn't a planet lol Cheesy Or I guess it might probably be on a planet, just as Lord of The Rings, Sex And The City, Zelda and Frankenstein's Monster are probably technically on a planet, but just as in those examples the planet aspect isn't really relevant at all. Rain World is more of a fantasy world or a dream world, not somewhere you can go in a space ship ~”

But even if it’s not incredibly relevant, it’s clear a lot of thought was put into Rain Worlds fictional cosmology, this was even mentioned by James.

So, that being said here's what we know about Rain World's cosmology in game.

The biggest indicator of Rain World's unique cosmology is that the Farm Arrays deep pink pearl just mentions celestial spheres, which are aspects of older cosmological models.

"This one is just plain text. I will read it to you. "On regards of the (by spiritual splendor eternally graced) people of the Congregation of Never Dwindling Righteousness, we Wish to congratulate (o so thankfully) this Facility on its Loyal and Relished services, and to Offer our Hopes and Aspirations that the Fruitful and Mutually Satisfactory Cooperation may continue, for as long as the Stars stay fixed on their Celestial Spheres and/or the Cooperation continues to be Fruitful and Mutually Satisfactory." ...May Not as long as the Stars stay fixed on their Celestial Spheres Grey Hand, Impure Blood, Inheritable Corruption, Parasites, or malfunction settle in Your establishment."

More subtly, there's also a mention of the ground colliding with the sky.

"If you leave a stone on the ground, and come back some time later, it's covered in dust. This happens everywhere, and over several lifetimes of creatures such as you, the ground slowly builds upwards. So why doesn't the ground collide with the sky? Because far down, under the very very old layers of the earth, the rock is being dissolved or removed. The entity which does this is known as the Void Sea."

You could chalk this line up to flowery language, but considering the presentation of the rest of the dialogue, it sounds more like an actual aspect of this world.

We know from the Chimney Canopy echo that the sun rises.

"From within my vessel of flesh, I would perch upon this spot to observe the rising of the sun."

And from the top of The Wall we can see the moon and stars (confirmed to be stars by Joar in the previous screenshot, instead of satellites or something else) , which are green!

So, what does this all mean? I think we can entail a few things with what they've given us.

For one, the mention of the ground colliding with the sky implies some sort of firmament, which isn't an unusual concept in the general realm of celestial spheres.

But on the topic of celestial spheres, the pearl actually isn't the only place we see the concept. Guardian halos are very similar to depictions of celestial spheres, and also astrological clocks.

You can make of this as you will, perhaps the astrological references being tied to guardians could hint at the nature of karma, but there isn't much to really delve into that idea.

For what it's worth, celestial spheres are also core concepts in Gnosticism, which Rain World is heavily inspired by. I explain it more in this post about Void Worms, but for a quick synopsis in Gnosticism there are seven planetary spheres, and an eighth above them; the planets and stars are fixed to their spheres. These things just further cement the fact that celestial spheres seem to be a key aspect of Rain World's cosmology, and it would also likely imply it's universe follows a geocentric model.

For a bit of a more out-there theory, people have pointed out how the view atop the wall stretches really far, going far beyond what we could see on a spherical planet like Earth, which has led some to theorize that the world is also flat.

But what is probably the most important aspect of Rain World's cosmology is the nature of dust. Dust builds up, and the bedrock of the world is eaten away at by the Void Sea. Civilizations rise and fall into the sea as new ones are built above it. Many, including myself, believe that the world exists in a sort of state of equilibrium. The world is dissolved from the bottom, then that falls back on the world as dust; even in the final moments of the game we see dust suspended in the void sea depths.

And hey, even void worms are described as being star-like.

"Oh, interesting. This is a diary entry of a pre-Iterator era laborer during the construction of the subterranean transit system south of here. In it they describe restless nights filled with disturbing dreams, where millions glowing stars move menacingly in the distance."

Cyclical, recursive, something else entirely? We can never really pin down the true nature of Rain World's cosmology, but the things we do get hint at something strange and unique. It's such an interesting aspect of the lore, and it seems like Videocult will continue to make mysterious cosmologies in their future projects...

#rain world lore #rain world #rain world spoilers #videocult

[crazed-rambler]

Headcanon that Tommy's an anti-nickname person, but not in a Buckley parents you-have-a-legal-grownup-name-so-use-it way, more in a i-know-your-legal-name-so-will-use-it-to-show-how-much-i-care-about-you way.

#cos he calls chimney howie too #despite probably being there for the conception of 'chimney' #he probably lords his first name privileges over others #like: haha im special i get to use the special name they dont let ANYONE use #forever grateful tommy has full evan privileges #911 abc #911 on abc #911 show #911 spoilers #911 season 7 #tommy kinard #evan buckley #chimney han #howie chimney han #evan buck buckley #118 firefam #bucktommy #tevan

[transgenderfivepebbles]

What do you think the fact that the ancient glyphs almost exclusively refer to abstract concepts says about their culture. Also do you have any theory on why the doors (karma gates) are so inefficient

(It bothers me)

actually i think they’re not exclusively abstract, that’s just the only part we can interpret! i think their language has multiple scripts, both phonetic and logographic (idk if that’s the right word but w/e), and all of them can represent a good portion of their vocabulary, like common nouns and verbs. i like thinking of their names as being made with logograms, since that would keep them a common length and a perfect size (4 glyphs arranged in a square, optionally with a 5th squished into the middle) for stylizing into a personal seal or some other design.

their culture was, however, clearly very focused on the spiritual and abstract more than the material, as evidenced by moon’s comments on the karma flower - “It became the symbol for enlightenment as it momentarily enables a creature to let go if [sic] its carnal self, and to contact the selves of other planes - dreams, memories, imagined worlds.” two echoes also speak of bodies in a detached or negative tone, one (chimney echo) referring to their own as their “vessel of flesh”, and the other (shaded echo) referring to slugcat’s as your “flesh prison”.

this emphasis on transcending the physical was definitely reflected in their literature, if not the language itself - three pearls (the ref one about eating gravel, the green jellyfish one, and the white pearl dialogue of pel’s poem) are old poems featuring a lot of metaphor, which as you probably know, distances the writing’s subject from its literal, physical meaning. repetition is also used quite often in other pearl texts, mainly prayers and hymns; in the outskirts pearl, it’s used as a symbol of the cycle, but i believe it was also used as a simple meditation aid to induce trances (like the number series mentioned in a pebbles pearl dialogue option) or something similar.

as for the karma gates, a kickstarter update from videocult mentions that the karma gates have a decontamination process so i think they’re just telling you to take a shower /hj. i actually haven’t put much thought into them, despite all the thoughts i evidently have about the rest of ancient society. sorry

#asks #rain world #im writing entire essays about slug game and i’m having a great time. i love being a Lore Guy #thank you for letting me infodump about my extensive interpretations of the ancients

[aki-likes-horse-play]

this has probably already been written somewhere before but i still love the concept

you're been told all about how magical christmas is, and you're ecstatic. free gifts delivered to you in the dead of night is one thing, but being promised that you'd be receiving what you've been wishing for more than anything all year? how could that not be so much better? but despite already knowing the contents of your parcels you still can't wait to rip open those presents and see what you were given. in fact, you're so unable to wait, you can't even fall asleep. your eyes are glued to the ceiling, while your mouth is glued in its little smiling position. Santa just won't leave your mind. you know the rule- sleep, or he won't come, but your mind is so active you just can't make yourself calm down. and what if you're the one to trick him into thinking you're asleep, and end up catching him while he snacks on the cookies you left out? everyone you know would be in such disbelief, maybe you'd even become famous and get to pet his reindeer. you hope the cookies you left out will be sufficient. your parents said they tasted like cardboard. surprisingly enough, you've never tasted cardboard. you've eaten toilet paper before, and wonder if they're similar. you start to worry that your offering won't be enough, and decide to do a taste test. Santa wouldn't mind if it was in his best interest, right? you carefully creep your way out of your room, breathing carefully and tiptoeing over to the plate, but as you reach the area, you have another realization.

your house doesn't have a chimney.

you always assumed santa must have teleporting abilities, but as you stand here thinking about it, that theory is torn apart. why would he need his reindeer if he can instantaneously appear in any and every house on his list?

you stand there, now growing increasingly worried about how your gifts will be delivered. you abandon the snacks, as they no longer matter if Santa can't access them. you tiptoe over to the door instead and flip the deadbolt over, making a loud clicking and sliding sound.

like the house is making your action very known

that should allow Santa's entrance to be easy and without issues. you wonder why your parents didn't think of it. you go back to your room less quietly than before, feeling so proud of yourself for saving everyone's time that you aren't paying as much attention to your surroundings. even though it wasn't the original goal, you feel so satisfied knowing that you've saved your christmas that you're snuggled back up in your bed with a much lighter mind.

you're almost asleep when you hear it. the doorknob turning, and the sound of something dragging on the floor. you immediately assume it's Santa with his sack of goodies, and you practically leap out of bed despite your current lack of balance and sight. you stumble to the front door and rub your eyes, trying to get them to focus as you look up at the entity in your home. it has the features you were described- donning bits of [what appear to be] red, with an outline of a large stomach and a mess of hair, but they don't quite fit the stories you were told. something feels off. this wasn't what you expected. your anticipation and excitement has transformed. you don't understand.

"....Santa?"

[magicdreemurr17]

Short Story: Mysterious Christmas

-------------------------------------------------------

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the household, the children listened to the stories Toriel told… stories of a man draped in his coat of white and red, who planted gifts under the tree and flew over people's sleeping heads. His beard was said to be as white as snow, and his name almost anyone would know. He brought to the world incredible joy, as he presented many children with their most wanted toys. The stories would always end the same, with old Saint Nicholas flying back the direction he came. As the goat woman's stories came to an end, Frisk would exchange excited glances with all their friends.

"Do you think Santa will come tonight if we wait for him?" they asked with glee.

Toriel sighed with a smile, "You know if you're not asleep by midnight, he won't come down the chimney."

Despite the Christmas spirit in the air, one soul refused to let their merriness be shared. The scrooge who was guilty of their attitude so sour… was Frisk's own sister, Magic, who looked rather dour. She cared not for the Christmas cheer, even though it was a blissful time of the year. Her mind was thoughtless of the concept of gifting, and of the spirit of others to be lifting. It concerned the other monsters in the household, but only one could speak up to her so bold.

"Hey, sourpuss! People say I have an attitude, you won't even join in the celebration!" exclaimed Flowey the flower.

"... Christmas is just another day to me. It's nothing to be celebratory of." Magic replied, as in the dark corner she cowered.

Asgore, being the kind and patient man they knew, decided to speak up to help the older human not feel so blue.

"Perhaps you can help me organize the presents under the tree," he said calmly, "maybe being occupied for a good cause will make you happy."

"Thanks, but I am afraid I'll have to pass." said the grouchy human as she turned away from the living room, "Once Christmas is over, this cheer will barely last."

She made her way to the stairs and up to her room, slamming the door shut as her friends exchanged faces filled with gloom. She stood against her door, sorrow choking at her breaths of life. She couldn't be happy when Christmas reminded her of her old misery and strife. The years she spent out on a holiday, cold and alone. No friends or family around, not even a place to call home… but things were meant to be different now, why couldn't she be happy? Was it truly her lot in life to feel nothing but misery..?

Just then at her door, she heard a quiet knock. She didn't know why someone would, not when the door was unlocked.

"Who's there..?" she replied with a frown.

"boo…" the other person kept his voice down.

"Boo who?" she realized the joke that was made, but didn't put up a fight.

"no need for you to feel sad, kiddo…" said the iconic voice of Sans, "especially not tonight."

"Sans, that joke was your worst one yet. Do you ever run out of bad puns to tell..?" she responded as she turned to open the door, completely dismissing it was she who, into his trap, fell.

"well, it got a grin out of you, didn't it, bud?" he returned the grin as she covered her mouth in embarrassment. The joke did get her, the smile was not a faker nor a dud.

"So what if you got me to smile?" she responded defensively, hoping he would just walk away from the situation.

"did you really think i'd leave ya up here all alone on christmas eve for a while?" he replied, not wanting to leave a friend in isolation.

The older human's smile careened and fell upside down. He was justified in coming to check on her, as she was probably the only miserable soul in town.

"for someone named Magic, i'd thought you'd be into this sort of thing." he commented as he scratched his skull.

The older human sighed in defeat, "I never had a proper Christmas in my childhood. I can't pretend to be happy in front of Frisk when the magic died long before I knew about it. Now everything is just boring and dull."

Sans thought to himself as he looked in her eyes. There was more to the sadness behind them, something hiding beneath those past ties. If they could find some way to ignite her Christmas cheer, perhaps then things could be better for her this year.

"you just hang tight, kiddo. things'll get better… until then, you gotta chill out." he winked with a broad smile.

She let out an undignified snort, covering her mouth as Papyrus shouted from downstairs, "NO MORE BAD PUNS OUT OF YOU FOR A WHILE!"

As Sans left her to her own thoughts, who should be next to approach from the stairs but her younger sibling with some hot chocolate they brought. As to their older sister they walked up, they held out to her one of those cups.

"I thought you'd like some hot chocolate to make your day brighter." they said with a small smile.

Magic returned it and took the cup graciously. Frisk always had a good influence on her, but most importantly they could keep her happy for a while. The two siblings sat together on the edge of her bed, the thought of what tomorrow's holiday would bring dancing in their heads. Everyone was happy and on the surface, living free. What more could they possibly need?

"Hey, do you wanna go for a walk?" The older sibling suggests, with little Frisk nodding at their sister's behest. Some fresh air might do them good. It might even put her in a better mood.

They grabbed their scarves and gloves before heading out, neglecting to give their friends a holler or a shout. The two trailed across their cozy little town, as everyone's lights dimmed and the families settled down. The night of Christmas Eve was upon them now, and they were preparing for Santa's arrival to town.

Magic didn't seem to understand, "What good is believing if you've never met them before..?"

Frisk looked up at her and signed, "Everyone's gotta have something to believe in, or what use is there in hope anymore?"

"Hmm…" she hummed in acknowledgement as they walked up the mountain trail, the very same path which started their life's tale.

They walked up to the entrance of which they left the Underground, to admire the view of the winter landscape all around. It was such a calming sight to see, even Magic's heart was put at ease.

"This really was a good idea," she said with a sigh and a smile, "I know I've been acting like a bit of a scrooge for a while."

"There's nothing wrong with how you feel," little Frisk told her, "your Christmas just never felt this real."

The more she pondered it, she realized her sibling's words rang true. She was not alone anymore, she had them and a real family too. Toriel, Papyrus, Asgore… even Sans, Undyne, Alphys and more! Just as she felt her hope lifting so high, a small jingle turned their faces towards the sky. A coat of red and white caught their eyes, as a single figure flew through the skies. The sleigh they towed was pulled by a Gyftrot, and on the back of it, many presents they had brought. The siblings' eyes gently glistened, as they gasped at the figure in recognition. Despite being unable to see their face, they knew that it was Santa flying over their place. As a magic glow filled the town of Ebott, the humans observed their work so quiet.

As the presents vanished from the sled and into their homes, Magic felt comforted knowing she wasn't witnessing this miracle alone… and as the sleigh disappeared into the depths of the night, they heard a quiet voice tell them, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all, I hope no overwrite."

…

…

…

"That's it? That's how your stupid story ends?" asked Genocide in complete disappointment.

"It isn't my story! Gaster gave me the book to read to you and Red!" Pacifist exclaimed.

"But if you didn't write it, then who? And what the hell was that goodbye they wrote at the end? 'Merry Christmas to all, and to all, I hope no overwrite'? What kind of nonsense is that!?"

"Quit being rude. I thought it was a nice story," Red growled in Pacifist's defense, "and I like when Pacifist reads stories. She knows how to make it feel real!"

Pacifist stayed quiet, pondering over the book's contents silently.

"Pacifist..?" Red looked up at her anomaly friend expectantly, waiting for a response.

"It's just odd… This story… It would never actually happen…" she commented, "I mean… for one thing, Magic doesn't hate Christmas at all. She loves the winter season in general, so whoever wrote this clearly doesn't know her personally… Or they wrote it like that on purpose."

"Why would someone write a lame Christmas story that didn't make sense? Who did Gaster get that book from?" Genocide asked.

Pacifist read over the last few words again, the word overwrite creeping in her thoughts obsessively, like she knew what it meant on the edge of her mind, but couldn't figure it out, "I don't know… All he said was that he got it from someone who's quite familiar with the Underground but nobody is familiar with them…"

-------------------------------------------------------

Author's Note: Merry Xmas, everyone! I wanted to write a short story as a Christmas present to all my dedicated L.I.T.E readers who have been patiently waiting for the next chapter to come out. Thank you for your support on the story. Also, FYI to the readers who wanna make theories on the hidden messages to this story, while most of it is not canon, the last part is a bit misleading. You might think you know who gave Gaster that "book", but it's not him.

#undertale #lost in the echo #fanfic #is this canon? #no THIS story is not canon

[cactusspatz]

Sorting 9-1-1

I thought I'd try my hand at sorting our beloved disaster first responders! For those unfamiliar, you can read about the @sortinghatchats system or take their quiz here. JKR may be transphobic trash but the SHC system is still a great character analysis tool.

Overview (characters presented in alphabetical order because I said so):

Athena Grant - Gryffindor primary/Hufflepuff secondary Bobby Nash - Hufflepuff primary/Hufflepuff secondary Evan 'Buck' Buckley - Hufflepuff primary/Gryffindor secondary Chimney Han - Slytherin primary (Hufflepuff model)/Hufflepuff secondary Eddie Diaz - Burned Slytherin/Burned secondary (probably Gryffindor) Hen Wilson - Ravenclaw primary/Ravenclaw secondary Maddie Buckley - Slytherin primary/Slytherin secondary May Grant - Ravenclaw primary/Gryffindor secondary

More analysis under the read more!

Athena Grant - Gryffindor primary/Hufflepuff secondary

Athena is classic Gryffindor, strongly guided by her own internal moral compass. Generally, that's in line with her job as law enforcement, but she has repeatedly broken the rules in pursuit of her own concept of justice. (which is tbh not a great look in a cop in this day and age but I digress) When she has a crisis about going back to work after nearly dying on the job, the key issue is that she doubts her instincts, which is the kind of thing that a Gryffindor would find the most unsettling of any primary.

Her Hufflepuff secondary shines through not only in her blunt honesty, her stubborn and hardworking approach to her job (anyone remember how she traced the gun in Athena Begins? Yeah, like that), but she's a strong community builder - primarily with her family at first, then she joins forces with matching Puff secondary Bobby and they form the anchor point for the 118 found family. She works alone but always with a strong sense of her network of connections, favors, support, and family.

Bobby Nash - Hufflepuff primary/Hufflepuff secondary

Bobby burns hard after causing his family's deaths (and 145 others), but he also unburns fairly quickly when given a new community in the 118 and Athena. I mean, he literally turns away from his suicide plans because he discovers his blood can save countless babies? And can’t stop himself from cooking family dinners even while planning said suicide? This man cannot stop himself from re-attaching to a community - or rather, after choosing to continue in the firefighting community after burning, he cannot stop himself from further unburning and forming connections to the people under his care. Strong Hufflepuff/dad energy.

Bobby's almost textbook Hufflepuff secondary: kind, hardworking, reliable, serving a community. He gives advice, he cooks for everyone, he and fellow Puff secondary Athena host big parties, etc. In S1, he struggles with keeping his past a secret, primarily because he's keenly aware of the unfairness of asking for trust while not fully offering the same, and ultimately tells the truth despite the risks.

Buck - Hufflepuff primary/Gryffindor secondary

Ah, the classic protagonist sorting. He looks like a glory hound Gryffindor primary at first meeting, but quickly reveals his deep, driving need for a family/community to belong to. Once he finds that family, he almost blows up his entire life trying to hang onto it, making some very ill-advised and desperate choices. He's immensely compassionate towards anyone in need, loyal (sometimes to the point of blindness, as seen with Abby), and forgives easily as soon as he can see why the other person was driven to hurt him. He might actually be what @wisteria-lodge calls an 'Exploded' primary (though I'm less familiar with the use of that terminology), which in Buck comes out as being self-sacrificing to the point of acting like he's expendable.

Honest, brave, impulsive to the point of recklessness, charges into danger and confronts his problems head-on: definitely a Gryffindor secondary. Buck is also very earnestly inspiring, notably with Abby and Red.

Chimney Han - Slytherin primary (Hufflepuff model)/Hufflepuff secondary

Chimney is a Slytherin primary. I know, I was surprised too! He's a very friendly Slytherin, but when we meet him in his Begins episode, he's struggling. He has a small circle in the Lees but is still deeply wounded by his mother's death and his father's abandonment. He's ambitious, but trying to express that in a way that will impress his businessman father by attempting to start a business (badly); he shifts his ambition to being a hero, to that feeling of being useful and valued for it. (this may be some Hufflepuff modeling around his inner circle, since the Lees seem very Hufflepuff to me, especially Kevin.) When Kevin dies, Chimney feels responsible and distances himself from the Lees; he retreats to his Hufflepuff model, returning to the community (however toxic) of the firehouse with a 'where else am I going to go' shrug. His circle stays pretty small, reconnecting to the Lees and expanding to the current 118 team plus Maddie and Jee-Yun and Albert. He's gone through some rough times and fears losing his hard-won people, and because of that, he reacts very badly when he feels that Buck has betrayed him but not sharing Maddie's location after she runs away.

Chimney is a Hufflepuff secondary. He gets multiple hard-working training montages in his Begins ep; his solution to the culdesac fire in Broken is 'call a friend from my network of people that my hard work has built into a community'; he's the kind of person who watches a video for ten hours and drives cross-country on a hunch to search for Maddie. His apartment is absolutely drowning in food when he has his rebar accident, brought by his community, who trust and rely on him. He's quick on his feet but it stems from his experience and study - Hen's the one who will try a field thoracotomy, while he's horrified at the idea. He's mostly a fairly honest person, but when he lies - to the girl in the bar in his flashback ep, to Tatiana about his daring firefighter adventures, to Maddie during lockdown - it's coming from a Hufflepuff place of believing the lie: 'yes, I could be that guy, so it's not really lying'.

Eddie Diaz - Burned Slytherin/Burned secondary (probably Gryffindor)

Oof, poor Eddie. He's a mess. Eddie is a Slytherin primary who's burned so hard he kicked himself out of his own inner circle. His self-worth is in the gutter. Everything he does is for Christopher. His inner circle was his family, I think, but he's been deeply wounded by his parents telling him he's dragging Chris down, by them repeatedly trying to take Chris away, by Shannon's abandonment of them and double rejection of Eddie specifically, by his own perceived abandonment of Shannon and Chris when he enlists. He struggles with trusting people, and even more with trusting himself. He's starting to unburn by making the 118 his new inner circle - in S3 he's furious over what he sees as Buck's betrayal and abandonment during the lawsuit, for example, and explicitly calls them the family he chose - but he still prioritizes Chris above all and especially above over his own ambitions and desires, as we see with Shannon and Ana and in 5x10.

He looks a bit like a Hufflepuff, with his choices in jobs and his desire for camaraderie, but I think that's a combination of modeling and a side-effect of kicking himself out of his own circle: his lack of self-regard makes him resemble the martyrdom of an exploded Hufflepuff. However, his motivation for joining the army and then the LAFD don't feel driven by that burned Puff 'I want to care about everyone but I can't', but more from practicality and taking care of his family. He clearly has a big heart and cares about his work, but whenever there's a conflict between that and Chris, he choses Chris without guilt. A lot of his strongest moments of empathy come from seeing Chris in the person he's trying to rescue, versus Buck's bleeding heart over every person in need or pain that he meets. Hufflepuff Buck says "I love kids", and Slytherin Eddie says "I love *this* one."

Eddie's secondary is also definitely burned. He doesn't really seem to take joy or pride in any particular method or approach, and he speaks about not feeling happy in his therapy sessions. He's exhausted. @inmyriadbits suggested that Eddie favors a Ravenclaw model: he does best in situations that he's trained for or experienced with, namely dangerous ones (look how terrifyingly calm he is in the ambulance with an escaped convict), and worst in situations where his Gryffindor honesty is called for but it conflicts with his Chris First motivation, like breaking up with Ana. But he's also a skilled improviser (Spiderman moment!) and a hard worker (three jobs!), and great when being honest is what's *good* for Chris (like telling Buck not to get himself killed because he might be Chris's legal guardian if Eddie dies; note that Eddie wasn't honest with Buck about that until he felt it was endangered, because in his mind being honest doesn't usually go well for him). He's whatever he needs to be.

I suspect he was a Gryffindor secondary who burned early in his life, given how emotionally repressed he is and how that seems to stem from his parents. He explicitly believes that Chris should stay honest and emotionally open, *unlike him*, and his main complaint about Buck's reckless Gryffindor secondary is not that it's the wrong way -- unlike Bobby and Hen's clear disdain for Buck never planning anything -- but that he's not considering the people he leaves behind when he risks himself. (Both Eddie's anger during the lawsuit and his 4x14 speech about Buck not being expendable come from a very Slytherin-Gryffindor place of 'sure, charging is fine but not at the expense of your people'.) He has a panic attack not about any of his many traumas, but at the realization that he's living a lie with Ana and their relationship, playing at being a family when she's clearly not even in his inner circle.

Eddie's also not without his own charge-y moments in extremity: rescuing everyone after the helicopter crash in Afghanistan by literally and repeatedly charging out into gunfire; his Spiderman moment in 2x14; cutting his line in 3x16. He also chooses jobs which allow him to charge, in the Army and the LAFD.

Hen Wilson - Ravenclaw primary/Ravenclaw secondary

Hen was difficult to sort, probably because she has a Ravenclaw primary that resembles a Hufflepuff: she clearly values community and people and her motivation and job choices are crafted towards helping them, but ultimately it's not in the instinctual way that Hufflepuffs Buck and Chim do. This is not a bad thing - in fact, for a paramedic and someone who wants to be a surgeon, it's an incredibly valuable thing to be able to have a little distance, to be able to triage and decide for the greater good - but she struggles with how to align her chosen values with her path in life. She decided on this system after her gunshot injury as a teenager, but we see her struggle to find her way, redirect, and reshape her purpose around that core motivation multiple times on her arc in the show.

Hen is a Ravenclaw secondary. A builder and not an improvisor, she becomes extremely knowledgeable at any task she devotes herself to, from pharmaceuticals to paramedic and firefighter training to medical school. Her Eureka moment for deciding to be a paramedic is her delight at "I just knew exactly what to do and I did it" when saving her life coach, bringing her primary and secondary into harmony. She's maybe got a Hufflepuff secondary model as well - her identity as a black lesbian means she has to work harder and be more persistent than anyone else in the room to win her place - but she's not a community builder like Athena or Chimney.

Maddie Buckley - Slytherin primary/Slytherin secondary

(Ooh, this really makes me want some Maddie & Eddie action in 5B, because who better to give Maddie some advice about feeling like you've failed your child and run away but coming back and working hard to be a good parent than fellow Slytherin Eddie? But I digress.)

Maddie is a big-hearted Slytherin primary like Eddie, choosing nursing and then 911 dispatch as careers, but ultimately her personal loyalties rule her life. When she's struggling with PPD, she leaves her job in favor of her family, and then when she feels like she's hurting them, she leaves her family. (I don't think she's fully burned, since she promised Buck to return, but she's definitely a little crispy.) With Doug, he manipulates this devotion by isolating her, with the intention of being her whole emotional world - but Maddie manages to escape thanks to the lifeline of Buck and his postcards. When she is forced to kill Doug in self-defense, the part that she struggles with the most is that she killed someone she used to love, which feels to me like a very Slytherin crisis point.

Maddie is also a Slytherin secondary. She adapts to her situation and environment, improvises well in stressful situations, and uses her skills at manipulation and persuasion to keep people calm and save lives at her job. She spends a lot of time in her neutral state with people she trusts like Buck and Chimney, which comes out as comfortable teasing and blunt honesty, but she's also a skilled actress. That helped her survive Doug during her marriage and her kidnapping, but also led her into that terrible arc where she tried to help Tara with abusive husband by pretending to be her friend. And of course we all remember how she easily and shamelessly conned her way into Buck's shower, right?

*laughs* Wow, I was not expecting this sorting for Maddie, but it's a nice example of how this classic villain/trickster sorting can show up in completely different and heroic ways.

May Grant - Ravenclaw primary/Gryffindor secondary

May's still pretty baby and thus hard to pin down so I wasn't going to sort her at first, but it didn't seem fair to sort all the other first responders and not her. I'm guessing Ravenclaw primary for her - like Hen, May starts out trying to figure out what she wants in the world, what her values are. She values truth and seeks it out in her own way: bluntly telling Athena that she and Michael need to stop pretending their marriage is fine, writing her college essay even though it might hurt her mother, seeking out firsthand experience as a first responder and wanting to figure it out herself, agreeing to meet Laila and listen to her apology.

I picked Gryffindor as May's secondary because she values honesty and speaks her mind bluntly. The bullying that led to her suicide attempt damaged her confidence badly, but she still charges when she gets her feet under her. (Honestly, her secondary may have exacerbated the bullying - I imagine a Gryffindor would struggle in a toxic high school social environment, unwilling to compromise their integrity in favor of fitting in.) She's surprisingly prone to inspiring speeches - most memorably when she is helping Vicky (the woman with the car accident neck injury in 3x02), but also when she gets the suicide call in S5. She inspires an army of neighbors to save the boy on the respirator during the blackout. Awww, I'm so proud, she's gonna grow up so powerful - just like her mom but in her own way.

I had a few thoughts on other characters - Taylor Kelly is a Ravenclaw/Slytherin for sure; I think Albert is an immature Gryffindor/Slytherin; Harry is a Slytherin primary based on his attitude during the earthquake and accusing Athena of putting her job before family after his kidnapping - but I decided eight characters was plenty. Let me know what you think!

#911 #9-1-1 #sortinghatchats #hogwarts sorting #athena grant #bobby nash #buck #evan buckley #chimney han #eddie diaz #hen wilson #maddie buckley #may grant #character analysis #made by me

[yourdeepestfathoms]

I Did A Terrible Thing

just a very random AU idea. i like the concept of this curse so i whipped this up

------------------------------------

Pale sunlight filtered in through cracks between the curtains, bathing the floor with washed out yellow rays. The sound of clattering from downstairs awakened Jane, then the empty space in the bed. She sighed, reaching longingly for her husband’s side, only to not find him there. Despite her disappointment, she smiled; that man was probably already up and working. She needed to fall into pace, too.

After getting dressed, Jane walked down the stairs, being mindful of her stomach. She was only four months into her pregnancy, but Henry still wanted her to be careful all the time. She found herself chuckling at the memory of him fretting over her from when she was simply walking.

  “Good morning, Joan,” She greeted the young teenager at the kettle.

  “Good morning, ma’am,” The girl replied.

Joan was a young, scrawny little thing. She was awkward in size and personality, always fidgeting nervously or picking at her arms. She didn’t have many friends, Jane had noticed, despite the town having quite a few kids her age. The girl was just too quiet and too shy and all too reserved to interact with anyone beyond her masters.

Henry and Jane were in need of a maid when their fortune and property grew the more Henry became more powerful in his work. Although a fifteen year old outcast wasn’t what they had in mind, they took the worker offered to them regardless. After all, they didn’t need to pay a child as much as their paid an adult.

  “Where has Henry ran off to?” Jane asked, pouring herself a cup of tea.

  “He went to town early this morning, ma’am.” Joan answered. Her voice was wavering slightly; she always did her best to sound mature and appropriate for her status under such a wealthy family. “Runnin’ off because of something with the Howard’s, ma’am. Didn’t tell me what ailed him.” Her eyes flashed a little, weakness reflecting in them for a moment as her voice dipped, “Look like he was gon’ whip me if I dare ask, ma’am.”

Jane hummed. If she noticed Joan’s fear of a whipping, she didn’t acknowledge it. Yes, she didn’t quite agree with Henry’s choice to sometimes take the whip off its hook, but there was nothing to be done.

  “The Howard’s?” Jane said, interested. Joan deflated slightly when she didn’t say anything about the threatened beating. “Whatever for?”

  “I told you I don’ know, ma’am.” Joan answered. “He didn’ tell me.”

  “Ah, right,” Jane nodded. “And what are you plans for the day?”

  “Mister Tudor want me to work in the field. With the animals.” Joan said.

  “Isn’t it a little cold for that?” Jane commented, watching her servant get her a plate of breakfast.

  “Not to him,” Joan shrugged. It was clear she didn’t want to be out in the cold, but she was not one to go against her master. “I shall get it done as quick as I can. Do you think I will have free time after? May I go to town, too?”

  “I don’t see why not.” Jane said.

Joan lit up. The girl didn’t smile very often, rather wearing a solemn expression on most days, so seeing her smile was strange. 

  “Oh, thank you, Miss Jane!” Joan chirped, bowing her head in thanks. She set the plate down and rubbed her hands against her apron, eyes still alight with glee. All the things she wanted to do, like going to the library and getting new books, made her excited. “Is there anything else you need, ma’am? I don’ want to leave you and get to work without knowin’ for sure.”

  “No, no, I’m fine,” Jane said, waving a hand, “Go on. Get going.”

  “I will! Thank you again, Miss Jane!”

With that, the girl bowed one more time and then scurried out.

---

  “Look at you. A sheep with the sheep.”

Anne smirked at the way Joan’s head snapped up from where she was feeding the lambs. Maggie and Maria tittered at her side.

  “Anne.” Joan said, slightly sheepish. “What-what are you doin’ here?”

  “Came to get you,” Anne replied as if Joan should have known that. “Your master be at my uncle’s house. You know that, yeah? Somethin’s wrong with my cousin.”

  “Cousin?”

  “Katherine, you idiot.” Anne rolled her eyes and Maggie giggled again. “Your head full of moths?”

  “Probably sheep wool,” Maria put in. “She already looks like one. I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts growin’ wool from her ears!” She and Maggie roared in laughter, while Anne just chuckled darkly. Joan shrunk back, her cheeks heating up.

  “Anyway,” Anne said, rolling her wrist, “We gon’ go to the Howard’s house and see her. She’s ill, you know?”

  “No,” Joan shook her head, “Mister Tudor didn’ tell me anything. She’s sick?”

  “Yeah. Real sick. Ain’t wakin’ up. Edmund has been throwin’ a huge fit over her.” Anne explained, “I’m surprised you never heard him howlin’!”

Doing a horrible imitation of Mister Howard, Maggie wailed, “Oh Katherine, Katherine! Wake, my sweet daughter! Wake! Why won’t you wake?!”

Clinging to her arm dramatically, Maria joined in, “God! God! Why have you forsaken me?! What have you struck my little girl with?!”

Once again, they erupted into laughter. Joan’s nose scrunched up at their insensitivity.

  “Tell her my pardons and prayers,” She said, grabbing a rake to rid of the muck in the barn, “My master said I gotta tend to the animals. Then I can go to town. But I’m not spendin’ my free time meddlin’ in someone else’s affairs.”

She missed the looks that the three other girls exchanged. However, she did hear Maria mutter, “I told you we shouldn’t have come here” and Maggie’s, “This was a waste of time.” Anne groaned loudly and snatched the rake away from Joan, making her yelp.

  “Live a little, will ya? Let’s go see poor Kitty!” Anne urged, “To hell with your master right now. You can’t let him lead you around by a leash all the time. Deal with the consequences later. Let’s go!”

Joan stared into the older girl’s eyes and then sighed, giving in.

  “Lead on, Anne.”

Anne, her two goons, and Joan began trekking through the Tudor’s property, making sure they weren’t caught.

  “So, what’s wrong with Kitty?” Joan asked. The other three smirk widely.

  “There be witches about, Joan.” Anne said. “And we’re gonna find them.”

---

  “Anne! We are gonna to get in trouble!” Joan hissed in a whisper as she and the other girls trodded through the darkened forest. This part of the woods was supposed to be banned from entry, but Anne and her goons had apparently found a way into the thicket.

  “No we won’t,” Anne said dismissively.

  “Yeah!” Maggie agreed, as she always did. She was never not licking on Anne’s boots.

  “Stop being such a baby.” Maria said.

Joan blustered. “I am NOT a baby!”

  “Then stop complainin’.” Anne said.

  “I thought you said we were goin’ to Mister Howard’s house,” Joan said, nearly being hit in the face by a thorny branch.

  “I lied.”

The four of them broke through the brambles and into a clearing. There, a small stone cottage, swathed in moss and vines, sat nestled between two towering oak trees. 

Smoke that didn’t smell like normal smoke was streaming from the chimney.

  “Oh, Anne, no--” Joan said worriedly as Anne strode over to the front door with Maggie and Maria in tow. “This isn’ our home, Anne! We can’t go in!”

  “Too late,” Anne said while opening the door with a smirk. “BESIDES, this is a witch’s house! They don’t deserve a home!”

  “Even more of a reason to not go in…” Joan muttered.

The inside of the house was filled with strange items. Vibrant flowers and sparkling stones, vials filled with strange liquids and wooden sculptures with eyes that seemed to follow Joan, weird plants and stacked ingredients--and a beautiful bird in a silver cage that was hanging from the ceiling.

  “Woah,” Maggie murmured as they approached the cage.

The bird had pure white feathers that seemed to sparkle in the light from the fireplace and a long, flowing tail. Its eyes were a bright, striking blue as it turned to them, clucking softly.

  “It’s so pretty,” Maria said.

  “It is.” Joan couldn’t help but agree.

  “Let’s take it.”

Joan whipped her head around to Anne. “What?”

  “Yes!” Maggie yipped gleefully.

  “Yeah!” Maria nodded vigorously. “The witch is probably torturing it!”

  “No! W-we can’t!” Joan stammered nervously, but Anne was already unlatching the door to the cage and pulling out the bird. “Anne!”

  “Finders keepers,” Anne said.

The bird squirmed in Anne’s hands, clearly uncomfortable. It then began to screech loudly, trying to flap its wings in her grip and shaking its tail feathers in irritation. Anne yelped and squeezed it tighter.

  “Anne!” Joan yelped.

  “Make it be quiet!” Maggie cried.

  “Someone is gonna hear!” Maria added, only now sounding anxious.

  “I’m trying!” Anne moved the bird into one hand, trying to hold its beak shut with the other. She yelped in pain when it pecked her and grabbed its head roughly, struggling with the thing.

Then, there was the sound of bones cracking.

The squawking stopped.

The bird went limp.

The girls stared in shock.

  “Oh god,” Anne whispered.

  “You-you killed it!” Joan cried. “Anne, you killed it! You killed a witch’s pet!”

  “Shut UP, Joan!” Anne snapped.

  “What are we going to do?” Maria worried.

  “We’re going to leave,” Anne said. She dropped the bird’s body. “We were never here, alright? Do not speak a word about this to anyone.”

Maggie and Maria nodded, but Joan did not. She went to refuse when a twig snapped outside.

And a beautiful woman stepped into the cottage.

She had dark skin like molten honey and curly brown hair with golden tips. The gold and green robes she was swathed in looked like they were charged with magical energy. Vines and ivy coiled around her arms and neck, forming a bramble crown on her forehead. Her sharp brown eyes widened when she saw the kids in her room, then became anguished when her gaze shifted to the dead bird.

  “RUN!!” Anne screeched, and she, Maggie, and Maria dashed out of the cottage, shoving past the witch. Joan was left behind, too shocked to move. She began to quake in fear as the witch approached slowly.

The witch knelt down and picked the bird up, cradling its corpse in her arms like it was a baby. She looked absolutely distraught over its death.

  “W-we didn’t mean to,” Joan stuttered. “I-I tried to get them to stop, but they--”

  “You killed her.” The witch spat.

Joan flinched and swallowed thickly. “I-I’m really sorry…”

  “You’re going to pay for this, little girl,” The witch growled lowly, then began to mutter something beneath her breath. Her eyes lit up bright white, and Joan felt something slithering up through the inside of her body. Her guts and brain grew warm, as if they were being filled with hot water, and she staggered backwards in shock. 

Then, it all went away.

And a sound began to fill Joan’s head.

Cawing.

Crow cawing.

It was rebounding through her skull like an echo in a cave, growing lower and louder and louder. With it, a pressure grew behind her left eye, like something was trying to crawl its way out of her head. She clutched at her face, gritting her teeth through a new, sharp pain blooming like a flower in spring. 

  “You took my familiar,” The witch hissed. “Now I will take something from you.”

Joan’s eyeball felt like it was being torn out of her skull. Perhaps it was because there was a sharp sensation behind her eye, poking, pricking, stabbing, until she thought it was going to pop out.

Instead, it was destroyed.

The cawing got louder and a trio of crows burst from her right eye socket.

Joan screamed in pain, falling down to her knees as her entire body shuddered. The crows writhed in her face, flapping their wings in a desperate attempt to get away but their lower halves were stuck inside of her skull. They struggled and squirmed, somehow not tearing skin, and sent waves of agony roaring through every part of Joan’s being.

The witch stared down at the girl as she cried tears and blood. Her face, so lacking any avians or remorse, twitched. She shook her head.

  “Go, child. You’re lucky I let you live.”

But Joan couldn’t move. Not for awhile, so the witch picked her up and carried her back into the forest, where she was left under a tree. 

The crows continued to caw.

---

Joan was kicked out of her mistress’ house after returning home, weak and in pain. Henry yelled at her, calling her a witch and a devil, and shot at her with his shotgun.

The bullet blasted a hole through her belly. The pain was unbearable. The crows screeched. But she did not die.

Henry and Jane beat her off of their property, both looking terrified as they did so. Joan tried to plead with them, tried to convince them to let her stay, but they refused.

Everyone in the village did the same.

They all looked at her with disgust and hatred and horror. They all tried to kill her but she would not die. So they chased her into the forest instead, banned her from her home. 

Joan was alone with a crow’s nest in her head.

The crows were smaller than normal crows, but still felt massive inside of her. She felt every move they made, every twitch and jolt, which felt as though her head was splitting open like a watermelon. Some days, they were subdued, pressed into each other, tucked in her eye like it was their nest. Other days, they were manic, wings flapping in never-ending distress, feather ruffling and itching places inside of her face that she could not reach.

She tried to pull them out. They pecked her and bit her and they screeched so loud she thought she would go deaf, but she tried. 

They did not come out.

She tried cutting them off, next. It worked for a moment, but then they grew back within just a few seconds, even more loud and hysteric. They didn’t shut up for awhile after that.

The constant squawking stopped Joan from sleeping. Without sleep, she grew exhausted and miserable. When she grew miserable, she became depressed.

She tried to die so many times, but nothing ever worked. The curse of immortality was as bad as the birds, but she supposed that was the point. She wondered which part was supposed to be the real punishment.

One day, after a long and agonizing four months of torture, Joan couldn’t get herself to move. The birds were agitated, squirming and squawking more than usual. They never seemed to get tired, unlike Joan, who felt like a corpse. She wanted to be one so badly.

Footsteps approached, but Joan didn’t realize because of all the noise until the witch was right in front of her. She looked up at her, whimpering, crying tears of blood, and the crows quieted down to stare, too. 

  “You pitiful creature,” Said the witch. “Are you not going to beg for forgiveness?”

Joan shook her head sluggishly, thunking it back down to the thick root of a tree. The birds were jostled and cawed in annoyance, and she let out a tiny sob as the sound echoed in her aching eardrums. 

  “I deserve it,” Joan managed to croak out. 

  “Hm.” Said the witch. “What a peculiar child you are. Usually people are kissing my boots, pleading for a reversal to their curse. But not you.”

Joan didn’t think she had the energy to.

  “Can you stand?” The witch asked. “My name is Catalina de Aragon, child, and I need an apprentice. You will become that for me and you will listen to what I tell you, and only once you prove yourself will I remove your curse. Now, get up. We have a lot of work to do.”

#six the musical #six the musical au #six the musical fanfic #six the musical fanfiction #six the musical fic #anne boleyn #jane seymour #katherine howard #joan on the keys #maria on the drums #maggie on the guitar #catherine of aragon #i did a terrible thing

[thequietmanno1]

Thelreads, Vigilantes 46, Replies Part 1

1) “Alright, right out of the bat we get a race with the vigilantes, seems like they are late for something, and my galaxy-sized magnificent brain tells me that its for a Christmas party where they’ll meet the most powerful hero in the BNHA universe: Santa.”- Actually, given what Quirks can do in this universe- Koichi can literally fly atop the rooftops like the Red-Nosed Reindeer of yore he dresses up as- I owner what kids think of concepts like Santa, the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny now? Do they imagine they’re people in costumes who have a job to use their quirks for all the good kids of the world over? Do they even believe in magical myths and tales of fantasy anymore? We’ve literally got a hero who can turn into a dragon- do they just assume all fantastical tales have some basis in quirks now? 

For that matter, how well does religion hold up? People probably have an easier time believing Jesus was a man who had an unusually versatile quirk or something when you’ve got people like Momo who can create solid objects out of her body and Recovery Girl can heal the sick with a kiss. That whole water-to-wine thing- we had that anecdote about that kid who accidentally turned an entire river into vinegar back when we first met Nighteye, so that’s not that remote a connection for a kid to make. Hell, even AFO managed to rise from the dead-somehow- despite not having his super-healing quirk at the time, and we all know how much Saviour imagery he carried around with him prior to his maiming. This world might be straight out of a comic book, but I don’t think a lot of myths and such hold up well in a world when people can literally be born with fantastical Miracles.

2) “You know Koichi, I think that both of you could get there faster if you acted as the Uber driver again. I know, you’re without the speed armor, but even so you are definitely faster than Pop jumping.”-  I think Pop just really likes the sensation of using her quirk to rise high into the sky and gently fall down when getting around- it’s certainly a more fun way to get around than walking or running, if not as versatile as Koichi’s quirk, but at the same time, maybe she doesn’t want to be too much of a burden for Koichi? She’s already got self-esteem issues about getting them into the boyfriend-girlfriend stage in that she feels she doesn’t measure up well against other women around Koichi, so maybe she just wants to prove that she’s independent enough to not rely on him for absolutely everything, even if it would be more practical to.

3) “OH GOD NO, SANTA IS ALREADY HERE

QUICK KOICHI, SHOW HIM HOW YOU’RE A GOOD BOY BEFORE HE STARTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU”-Have no fear, Koichi is best boy, and therefore automatically on the Nice list. The only black mark against him is in inability to recognise or properly pursue romance tropes in his immediate vicinity- not even Santa can overlook that personal failing.

4) “And oh boy, is he gonna be the Christmas eve hero? Can’t wait to see Koichi acting like a reindeer to CC’s Santa Claus. Pop is an elf, and Makoto is the Catholic church, profiting on Santa Claus’ image and hard work.”- Seriously, I do wonder about what kind of security they must have in the average house in the MHA verse. With people like Miro being capable of phasing through walls, it can’t be that much of a stretch for there to be criminals who are actually capable of entering homes down the chimneys. How do they keep out all the home intruders that aren’t Santa Claus and his Magical teleportation quirk?... Hell, Kurogiri could technically do Santa’s job, now I think on it.

5) “Look at that face, do you think that Makoto cares what CC thinks? An CC, do you really think he hasn’t completely submitted to her rule by now? There’s no point asking Pop, because asking implies that CC has a choice.”- He did have a choice. He just made the wrong ones around Makoto when they first met, and now he’s got no choice but to make the right choices all the time, whether or not he wants to

6) “And oh yeah, that happens when you fly at high speeds, it gets really cold. Amazing how Pop and and Makoto aren’t complaining about it.”- Apollo strikes again!

7) “Alright, that definitely is weird, they aren’t using that many clothes more than Koichi, they should’ve felt the chill. Guess the universe made use of the breaks from reality associated with comic book heroes to make Koichi suffer a little more”- Or CC, despite having turned over a new leaf, still can’t shirk the habit or prioritising ladies’ welfare over boys, especially if they happen to be Koichi.

8) “Oh so it’s like the power that Superman used to have, only I think that in his case it was a gravity field.Huh, so that explains the bullshit that he does like holding up a goddamn cruise ship without making it snap in half.Alright, I’ll give this one to Furuhashi, he really planned ahead on this one. Maybe. Probably.”- Well, he did at least in regards to Cap’s quirk and the limitations and properties thereof. Jury’s still ot on whether he thought through the overarching plotline with Knuckle nearly as much. Though it does explain why CC’s so unconcerned and Laissez-Faire about some of his hero duties- he’s literally invincible as long as he’s got his ‘field’ covering him, so he won’t get hurt or damaged by attacks and can afford to be concerned with stuff like how good he looks for the cameras. 

Presumably something on the level of an All Might punch might break through the field, but otherwise, as long as he’s not got any civilians nearby he has to cover with it to protect them, he can afford to be carefree in combat because he’s impossible to hurt by the average villain, which in turn leads to his focus on his image and narcissistic tendencies. It’s basically an in-universe ‘everything-proof shield’ more or less.

9) “Bah, don’t fret over it Koichi, Captain over here is still unsure of his own masculinity, he is afraid that being in close proximity to another man would suddenly make him want to kiss, leave him be, he has some stuff to sort out.”- well, there’s also the risk of Koichinova’s inherent attractive prows coming to the fore when in close contact with him. I wouldn’t trust Koichi not to unwittingly earn himself a male admirer or two by accident the next time somebody takes him out for drinks.

10) “Oh, I see, so the details of his power are really confidential, kinda like what All Might did… Interesting… So, how long until someone found out about this weakness? I’m betting at the end of the arc, but since furuhashi is a cruel being it will probably be by next page.”- End of the chapter, but in Fairness, it seems that Scarface didn’t overhear it, but worked out the ins and outs of the quirk through trial and error and careful observation of CC’s limits when in action or rescuing people. Between this and him unleashing the bat Villain around CC and Tensei’s commercial shoot, it’s likely he’s been setting up scenarios to test what CC can and can’t do, and with this latest one, he’s found a weakness he can exploit at last…

11) “HOLY SHIT WAIT WERE YOU ALL BASTARDS JUST SITTING THERE IN SILENCE?

MAKOTO, DID YOU JUST TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT THAT SECRET OR WAS THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A TIME-SKIP BETWEEN PANELS? “- I choose to believe that there was a time skip, otherwise Makoto would have let valuable intel on her top-value pawn leak to the public, which would reduce his effectiveness when following her orders if people other than her know how to work him over.  

12) “I hope Captain Vanilla got a neuralizer from one of his grandmas, because he’s definitely gonna need it soon, too many people knowing about his secrets, right Makoto?”- Order today and your neutralizer will be delivered by hand by Will Smith himself.  Even comes with a ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ ringtone when you use it.

13) “Can I tempt fate already and say that all is going too well and wonderful and something terrible is going to happen soon or should I wait a little longer?”-Well that depends. Something terrible does happen towards the chapter’s end, but by the looks of things, Scarface is only getting started on planning CC’s terrible, no-good, really bad day to come…

14) “I WAS FUCKING JOKING WITH KOICHI BEING THE REINDEER TONIGHT

APOLLO CAN YOU FUCKING CHILL FOR A MOMENT?”-

Apollo: Justice never rests, and neither does Prophecy! One must always keep one eye firmly on the future!

15) “Oh what, you’re planning to give him some vacation days Makoto? And just now that he started getting used to his 27-hours-long daily shifts? What angle are you playing girl?”- Oh, just planning to give the father-to-be some free time to be a dad, unaware that her time would better be spent planning his upcoming funeral.

16) “Oh, so Captain is close to leaving the story already? That’s interesting, we’re once again taking away the people that work as Koichi’s safety net… The following year is when the difficulty will go up for our little crawler boy-“- As Koichi’s effectiveness increases, so to does his support net of available allies who could handle the dangerous fighting slowly decrease one by one…

17) “They just told his one weakness out of the blue, he has been show to be happy and found some gratification and renewed purpose in working as an actual hero, and now they are saying that he’s about to leave and return home because everything is going fine and dandy and working out for him… holy fuck Furuhashi is planning to kill this bastard.”-

18) “Oh no, sorry, she didn’t made the problems disappear, she just made sure all the problems are in the hands of the right person, that being herself. I forget that Makoto is an evil genius.”- Too much blackmail material running around in the hands of the public makes for a poor pawn, wish his weaknesses too easily exposed. All available blackmail material being squarely in Makoto’s hands, on the other hand, both removes and simplifies many of CC’s problems going forward. It doesn’t make his life any easier, mind you, but now he only has one massive problem to deal with, rather than several hundred at once.

19) “THEY ARE GOING TO FFUCKING KILL HIM

THEY RAISED A DEATH FLAG

A FUCKING HUGE ONE IN FACT

EJSUS CHRSIT”- Gotta say, I haven’t seen a death flag raised this high since All Might. I was worried for a minute there that Knuckle was going to be the one to bite the bullet instead, what with him continuing the fight against the VF even now he no longer has a ‘legitimate’ reason to fight them anymore, but instead it seems CC has bravely volunteered to take the death flags in his place. Godspeed man, I’m actually going to be a little sad you’re doomed to die as certainly as a Final Destination victim now, what with you having shirked the major Jerkass aspects of your personality now- sorta like Mineta if he’d lose the sleaziness for several arcs and actually developed some character besides ‘scared pervert’.

20) “And now, let’s see Captain cry out of joy over the idea of meeting his children, which just shortened his life expectancy from a arc to a chapter at best.

Fuck, we’re gonna see Cap die this chapter, aren’t we? “- Not exactly, but it seems we do get to see how Scarface it ultimately going to take him out. It’s actually ironic, for a guy that was introduced as a narcissistic douchebag who cared only about himself and his self-image, it seems Scarface’s plan is to force him to sacrifice his shield to protect others around him and leave himself vulnerable- meaning he’ll die precisely because he does have a genuinely heroic, self-sacrificing aspect to himself. When we first met him, we all wondered how he could ever be called a hero. Now he’s going to die precisely because he’s actually developed into a heroic person.

@thelreads​

#bnha vigilantes #bnha #thelreads #chapter replies #my hero academia #vigilantes 46

[ktinastrikesback]

21, 22, 24, and 27!

(Had a tumblr glitch sorry if this is a dupe)

@yramesoruniverse ah Tumblr, always so glitchy!

21. Favorite head canon?

I think this is a pretty common one, but I love the concept of Eddie, Hen and Chim living with Buck through most of quarantine. A lot of what the fabulous writers in this fandom have written about Buck and Eddie sharing the bed and growing closer during that time seems totally plausible and would explain their increased fondness/emotional intimacy with one another between seasons 3 and 4! Also guaranteed that they FaceTimed Chris together everyday.

22. Favorite thing about the show?

I love that, despite the angst that comes with an emergency show, 911 is about family and finding your place in the world. At the end of the day, it’s always uplifting. It’s about overcoming your past, about how being a good person is what makes all the difference, about how loving yourself and the people around you can help you break free from the things that weigh you down. It really resonates with me.

24. A scene that made you cry?

They make me cry all the time, but I have a truly ~fabulous~ photo of me sobbing after the 4x14 scene where Buck breaks down in front of Christopher. I cried that whole commercial break 😂 So that takes the cake.

27. Funniest moment?

Oh gosh, probably something to do with Chimney. I rewatched “Monsters” the other day, and the whole thing with him and the crow had me dying. Also his face through the whole opening of 5x01 😂

#yramesoruniverse #911 ask game

[missingartist]

The Witcher’s Mate- Chapter 20

In his 350 years, he had thought he had seen it all. Vesemir the unofficial head Witcher had spent years traipsing up, and down the country, he knew every path and detail of any town worth knowing to a Witcher. However, in his lifetime he did not foresee having to deal with a Witcher’s mate. Barmin, his master had glossed over it in training, dismissing the idea of it being any use. In his training, he and other fledgeling Witchers had become intrigued with the concept, but the master had been dismissive enough to toss them a copy of The Witcher- A History. With a whole chapter dedicated to the Witcher’s Mate. Being privileged enough to witness the building of the Witcher home he knew every book placed in the library and this battered copy preserved the only mentions of soulbonds in the entire Witcher section of the library. Barmin had mentioned that it was a Witcher’s Curse to be bound to another who would wither and die or who would face dying of a broken heart as the life of a Witcher was a dangerous one before placing the book back on the shelf where it gathered dust for the past 300 years. Till now that was.

Making his way up the gritty staircase, books wedged underneath his arms, he let the soft glow of the candlestick light his way from the archive and through the winding halls. Mermaid literature held little room in the main library; Witchers had no dealing with Merfolk for 400 years, he himself only met two. The first was a stunning female, long green hair and pale olive skin, a tail of metallic blue scales, pulling the fresh Witcher from a stormy sea when drowners pinned him down in the murky depth. She had all the makings of the predator, savage and vicious yet in the cave which she dragged him, she had all the tenderness of a maiden. She was inquisitive and powerful, and to the newly made Witcher, she was direct in her wants, spending the night and day making very extensive use of his body. A smile stretched across his feature, and he remembers the dalliance of his youth. The other had been a Trition, the male of the species, while not a beautiful as the female he had been majestic in his airs. He had been just as predatory as the female but seemed to lack in power of the female, it did not have the sharp barbs of teeth, or the ability to walk on earth demanded help to free a water sprite from a tree curse. If indeed the Adva girl was a mermaid it would cause a lot of difficulties. Mermaids where predators plain and simple, with very complex social structures and even more complicated mating rituals, one that they kept closely guarded. This was going to be near impossible. Witcher bonding was going to be difficult enough to get their heads around it didn’t really need the extra stress of figuring how a mermaid bonded.  He envisaged many nights slaving over a manuscript.

The library fire is dying. The low flame dominated the dwindling wood giving the room a soft light. He had, on being regaled with all the details excused himself to the archives, Barmin having moved all the Merfolk down there to add a room to the main collection. It had taken the best part of the afternoon to weedle through the mass of papers and books that had chaotically thrown into to achieve with no accord. Dropping the various scrolls and manuscripts, he settled himself into his leather-bound seat and placed the candlestick back in its holder—the soft flare of flame illuminating a slim figure perched on the window ledge.

‘Dove, I thought you would be in bed.’

‘Not sleepy…been an eventful day.’ Ciri rolled her shoulder, standing.

Moving from her perch, she fed the fire three thick blocks of wood, watching as the room was lit up with the roaring orange flame. The food she had gathered of dried meat, cheese and wine still sat untouched, Jaskier had tried to tempt Adva with the cheese and wine to no avail. Picking up the jug, she poured two generous helpings into the spare goblets and sat opposite the master Witcher.

‘I don’t think I would be able to sleep if I had seen Geralt finally put it to Yennefer. I would have properly celebrated so hard I would be drunk for a fortnight.’ The older man laughed picking up his goblet and throw back his contents, red droplets staining his white beard pink. ‘It would be Geralt that got mixed up with a soulmate who had to be a mermaid. He can’t live simply, even as…Has someone fixed the wall.’ Vesemir gawped at the wall by the window. The peeling stone wall had been replastered and the drafted that has previously whistled through the library on a cold night was no more. He had meant to repair it for the last fortnight, but the north-west staircase was in need of refurbishing, the barn needed to be mended, three chimneys needed sweeping and renovating and the long list of other restorations.

‘Adva and she reputtied the windows.’ the answer was tense and dry as she brought her cup to her lips and took a sip of the strong liquid.

‘She’s been her ten hours, and she replastered a wall and fixed a window? At least Geralt has the brains to pick a useful mate; I wonder if she does roofing.’ Vesemir gruffed, filling his goblet and downing it once again.

Ciri could feel annoyance rise within her, Vesemir was always dismissive and so distant from his emotions he couldn’t understand her concern. Since arriving, Adva had used the plaster in the hallway, despite their protest she spent most of the day fixing the wall and cleaning, Jaskier had tried to pull her away, but she looked near tears and battered their concerns away. Both Jaskier and Ciri sank back and watched Adva flit around the room, dusting, mopping and polishing. Ciri had never seen the library look so clean. In the space of ten hours, she had fixed the library and cleaned three full rooms before her eyelids began to droop, and Jaskier scooped her away before she could protest and tucked her tightly into a bed in one of the many rooms while Ciri searched through many garments that had cluttered up closets and chests from long forgot herbalists and Witchers that had come and gone to replace her outfit.

‘Vesemir! I am worried about Adva; a person doesn't start repairing buildings when they learn that they are a Mermaid and a Soulmate.’

‘And you know the extensive guide on how someone needs to react when they discover they are a Mermaid or a soulmate, was hardly worth me spending all day in the archives with such an expert already here.’ Vesemire scoffed, his eyes glancing against the bundle he had gathered with some concern. The few books that he found would have little in them to help with their… unique situation.

‘That not what I meant.’ the young woman sulked, pushing her bottom lip out as far as it could go.

‘Do you remember when you discovered your bloodline? It took us three weeks to stop you hacking the dummy to bits. People cope with things differently. If I had to meet Yennefer again, I probably devote myself to fixing the whole castle. You care a lot about Adva, don’t ya? Empathy is the downfall of a Witcher.’ Vesemire scolded. He didn’t know how many time he had tried to drum that into her and Geralt.

‘I…I do I see a lot of myself in her. Alone and confused, betrayed and powerful but scared about it.’ Ciri sighed.

It hurt to admit; it was traumatic. The early years of her life had been so lovely, but the last decade, wave after wave of people had tried to claim her for themselves. Kings seeking power, Witches seeking power, Cults seeking power. They were all the same, trying to imprisoner, impregnate or kill her. It left her feeling insecure and uncertain; she had been betrayed so many time she had lost count. That unlimited power made her a target for every crazed group that emerged from the shadows, but it also made her scared, the power within her had a fine line between chaos and control, and with that enormous pressure to remain in control. Her deepest fear was herself, and what she could do or become, she sensed that same fear in Adva.

‘You have only just met her, don’t get too attached. Yennefer will find a way to get rid of her if not that she’ll turn into a she-daemon knowing Geralt's taste in women.’ Vesemir scoffed dryly.

Geralt was the son he had never had, but his taste in a woman was shocking, there had been that redhead succubus who tried to eat him. The doomed princess in the tower, Renfri. Three herbalists, Triss and Yennefer. He should just stick to a whore like everyone else, it would save a lot of time and effort, and the damage Kaer Morhan would be minimal, the amount of time Yennefer had destroyed something because of a petty argument was unbelievable. Ciri stood abruptly and started to pace.

‘Dove, what troubles you?’

‘I…Yennefer has been….I dunno. She has been difficult…’

‘Yennefer difficult? Never?’ The laughedffff trickled from the witcher lips.

‘Before they…parted. Yennefer did something….horrid and tried to get Geralt to finish it… he refused, and Yennefer was vicious, and then the spell broke and….’

‘Went batshit?’

‘Batshit is an understatement…. I thought Geralt was wrong… that he should have but I dunno; I was so angry I was blinded.’ Ciri winced at her confession.

For the most part, she never admitted when she was wrong; she was too stubborn for that; her pride would not allow her the humiliation of accepting it. But there were times, time like these when things became a cluster fuck that she could admit it. Her love for her mother figure, her nurturer and teacher had blinded her to the sheer despicable nature of Yennefer plan, so much so it had made her hate Geralt. But with every passing day, she realised how stupid she had been.  Looking back made her wince with shame as she recalled all the unpleasant thoughts that went through her mind and the things she said. Ciri felt ashamed of herself, more so now she was in the Witcher’s Fortress where the memories of their relationship[ resurfaced, all the times Geralt had protected her from the violent tongue lashing of Vesemir for wondering off and training on her own. The times when he gave her a silent hug because he knew what she needed.

‘Don’t blame yourself, Yennefer has a knack for playing on one's emotions.’ The master witcher soothed in his gruff voice.

Looking up, she felt herself smiling. For all his stubborn grumpiness Vesemir was the kindly grandfather figure she needed. The bias spectator, guiding her through Geralt and Yennefer many, many arguments with a scoff and an eye roll.

‘I worry about what she will do to Adva. She already seems resigned to being cast aside, and Yennefer will play on that.’

The confession was not something she needed to say out loud; all of them were worried about what Yennefer would do; even Adva could sense it. Yennefer was capable of being truly malicious especial again those who had wronged her,

‘Maybe that is for the best. A Witcher’s life is one fought with danger having a soul mate would be even more so.’

‘You should have seen the way Geralt was with her Vesemir. The way he looked at her was…’ Ciri paused for a moment in thought ‘it was worshipping…I don’t even know how to describe it and when she flinched away from him, I thought he could break down. When she went through the portal, I thought he was going to roar in after her. I love Yennefer, I always will, nothing and no one will change that, but at the minute I don’t even what to be near her.’  

A dull pain began to throb in the corner of his left eye; there was not enough ale and wine in the whole of the castle to get him through the next couple of weeks. Damn Geralt. First, he had brought Yennefer, who destroyed every room she stayed in and threw furniture carved by their Witcher founders out the window. The elder had lost count of how many times in the past decade, Geralt had found himself at the end of a difficult situation. And this situation was the worse; soulmates were messy, and for Witcher, mates were rare and unpredictable. Geralt would be a muscle-bound mess of raging hormones, worse than when he first mutated and with Yennefer roaming around, lurking in every corner, he could feel the annoyance and irritation begin to build.

‘It will work out, for better or worse. But from what I know about soul bond, they are very powerful, and it would take more then Yennefer to do that….besides if she is that good at repairs, we need to keep her around.’

If he survived this, it would be a miracle.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kaer Mohen was beyond anything that she had ever believed. Nestled in the middle of a vast valley, built into a mighty mountain, the almighty structure was awe-inspiring. Surrounded in greenery and limpid pools as far as the eyes could see, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen in her life. Inside did not disappoint; it was elegant, chequered marble flooring, latticed woodwork, majestically carved furniture, and rugs that while worn and dusty were exquisite. However, it was sure that the castle had seen better days, gaping holes in the roof leaked into the rooms letting in the local wildlife. Plaster was coming off the wall in large chunks, and a sharp draft came whistling through the castle. Still, it the most amazing place that she had ever seen. The library included. The vast collection of books held in sturdy mahogany shelved held behind thick sheets of glass, it was an extensive collection, most in languish she had never seen before, and the desire to pull each one out and read was overwhelming. The library seemed sadly empty just one large table and one comfy chair perched in the middle, books and quills surrounding the work area.

Vesemir seemed to be making the most of her, giving her a list of chores in the morning and then after their midday meal they would group together and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening in the library. In all honestly, that was fine with her, she didn’t want to think about soulbond or Geralt. A sickness bubbled in the pit of her stomach. Waking up in the bed in a musty room brought back that only the day before she woke in the warmth of the Witcher. At least the chore distracted her from the churn of emotion that built inside of her and the anxiety that came with letting her mind wander.

‘How can you read this.’ Ciri slipped down next to the women who was engrossed in a book that contained mostly scribbled lines and dots. Just looking at the page was enough to give the former princess a headache.

‘Lunch’ Vesemir called slamming what could only be loosely described as a strew on the table. Four clay bowl slide into the various place, as they stared down at the brown slop. ‘That is my famous stew.’

The elder Witcher glared at the bard who grimaced at the pot in front of him. The mixture was brown and gritty, whatever meat was unrecognisable, the smell of a mixture of fermented broth and fried meat, it was not unpleasant, but it was not particularly appetising especially with strange unknown bits floating on the top. Jaskier twisted his face in disgust as he poked at it with his wooden spoon.

‘Famous because it kills anyone who eats it?’ Jaskier question letting the food slide off his spoon with a spatter.

Vesemir stared daggers at the bard as he is inhaling another spoonful of stew, most of it coating his beard.

‘Don’t you have any more books on Merfolk Vesemir?’ Ciri asked, leafing through the pile of red books scattered over the bench.

‘Mermaid isn’t the sort of thing Witchers deal with.’

‘But aren’t they supernatural creature.’ Jaskier retorted his right eyebrow inching up his forehead.

‘Aye, bard they are but never given us cause. Merfolk sticks to deep water and out the way of humans and creature alike. Humans have tried to wage war on them in the early days, but it futile. You aren’t ever gonna win against a creature that can sink whole fleets of ships in one go.’ Another heaping spoonful of stew smeared across his mouth. ‘Time from the time they appear near land but never bother anyone; it does not like they would abandon one of their pod on land…especially a child. I will have enough look in the archive but the literature of the Merfolk in rare. Not many have ever got close enough. I know a while back Geralt helped some duke marry Sh'eenaz, a mermaid, but she became sad, and the couple went back to the sea kingdom.’

‘So we have no idea about anything.’ Ciri spoke, slowly eyes resting on the deflated other woman.

‘You are more than welcome to search down in the archive,  but most merfolk literature is hoarded by private collectors.’

‘So we don’t know anything.’ Ciri bite out and throw a thick book across the room, pages fluttering across the marble floor.

Jaskier reached a hand across and took Adva’s giving her a reassuring squeeze. The brown-haired woman closed the book, shoulder sagging.

‘Adva If you promise to cook from now on I will go in the archives myself and battle the army of spiders in search of anything else.’

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Vesemir brought down the axe forcefully as he broke down the log and tossed it into the giant pile of firewood. From his place on the verge, he watched Adva.

Though, not the most skilful and hone in her technique Adva was accomplished. For a simple kitchen, she had a strong stance which made it hard for Ciri to break through her defence. There was no obvious contest between the two, Ciri was the more skilled and her magic more adaptive, there had been several points in which his young ward had the upper hand, but Adva managed to put on the defence, which she played well. The master Witcher didn’t see that predatory creature that he had met in his experience, just a determined young woman, strong and sweet. He found it hard to believe that she could be a mermaid. Her ability with water being the only real characteristic that they shared. There was no killer insisted, no savage passion within her, no flailing tail or hissing fangs, just a scared little girl that he now had to keep safe.

Slamming the axe down Vesemir took himself to the side to watch the pair closely. Ciri seemed to tire of being pushed back, stepped up her attack by using her blink power, teleporting her way around her. The gruff Witcher couldn’t help but smile, the little girl who would sneak off to practice on her own was no a skilled warrior. Adva’s movement became panicked and jilted as she dodged the attack, frustration ebbing in her every movement. Collecting his roofing tools, he made his way across the stall and once against back to the field to collect the ladder. This time Ciri seemed to be on the back foot. Adva’s attacks were precise and direct, one after the other. A water blast threw the young Witcher off her footing, causing her to stumble back, and whip of water then appeared out of nowhere lashing itself across her side and wrapped itself around her wrist slamming her into the dirt.

Vesemir stilled, his body is tensed his eye trained on the pair, grabbing for the axe he embedded in the tree stump. He saw it, the killer instancing, the way her eyes shone that little bit brighter. Ciri recovered well, shifting her body to the left in a blur of blue light escape the confines of the water vines before rolling up on her feet and brushing the dust off.

Adva blinked, several times swallowing heavily as she took a step back as she felt the adrenaline still racing through her vein.

‘Good attack. Never really seen anything like that.’ Ciri smiled, standing to her full height. ‘Next time I won't go so easy on you. I better go see how Jaskier is doing. The spiders have properly cornered him in archives. We will pick this up again tomorrow…but you are going down’ Ciri smirked, nodding at Vesesir before ascending the step of the balcony.

‘I see Ciri found you some clothing, more practical for doing maintenance. You can help me patch up the roof, get the tar and meet m by the ladder.’

Looking down, she pulled at the outfit she had been given from a large box of items left by the various people that passed through. The bottoms were a pair of duelling trousers made from a shammy leather material, making them soft and stretchy, that held her tight across the arse and allowed for free movement. They were at least 50 years old but kept pristine by the mothballs packed in the trunk of clothing. The deep red material suited her and at least didn’t show the dirt from the unkept castle. The top was an oversized tunic that fell to mid-thigh; it was thick enough to keep the chill that had started to cling in the air. A cracked old belt clinched tightly around her waist to keep the oversized garments from slipping off her body completely.

Pushing her way up the steep bank to the courtyard, Adva pulled the bubbling tar from its fire. The courtyard held the shed and the stables it was up at the top of a sharp incline; it leads all the way round to the training grounds which Ciri had been handing her ass to her for the best part of the day, a sense of pride swelled within her as she laid the foul-smelling tar into a bucket. She had managed to keep upright and had a few good hits, she was improving, and her powers had developed in the passing weeks with Triss. Training with Ciri proved that.

When the bucket was full, tentatively she pulled it up the ladder on top of what she thought was a storage shed beside the kitchen. Vesemir was already hard at work, hammering in think sleet slate into the missing patches. Wordlessly, the master witcher tossed her a tarring brush, a thin stick with a rag attached to it and nodded toward the slates. Between the old tiles was a thick layer of tar, filling any minute gaps in which the water to seep through and flood the room beneath. Adva swilled the brush into the thick liquid and plastered around the edges of the shingles.

The height was not her favourite, the mere thought of going any higher made her head spin. They worked in silence for the best part of an hour, as soon as he finished one, she would swoop in and slather the thick goop on the slabs. It was clear to see where Geralt got his mannerisms, the way they both puckered their brow when they were concentrating. The way their eyes shifted as they worked, head shifting at every noise. These features were not different that Geralt could not pass for his son, but Adva had made a deep study of Geralt, his features where sharper, more defined. Both men had strong physic, after years of training and monster hunting, but Geralt's frame seemed bulkier, shoulders broader and arms solid with muscle.

A deep wave of shame consumed her. She had promised herself she wouldn’t think of him, but he crept into her mind. A melancholy fell over her, it was a numbness, at gnawed at her core.

‘Next is the west staircase, I will teach you how to tack and shave down the boards.’ Vesemir grunted as he threw the hammer into the dirt as he made his way down the ladder. Holding out his hand to help Adva down, grabbing the bucket and brush and tossing it to the side.

Adva nodded, thankful for something to do.

‘Never thought a little girl would be much good a roofing you are a strange little thing.’

Adva laughed awkwardly, wiping her hands on her piny. ‘You know what brothel is like, all hand on deck. I cooked, cleaned, mediated, fix roofs, walls, beds.’

‘Not much of a life for a little girl.’ Vesemir stared down at her; it was an uncomfortable gaze, that pierced through her.

The master witcher looked at her, his medallion didn’t vibrate, but there was a warmth to it, just enough to heat the skin beneath the wolfs head. He wasn’t sure that she was a Mermaid, but there was something. Something strange. Something different that he could put his finger on. But now she looked like a scared little girl, a girl being dragged from one bad situation to the next. Tough and hard-working but most of all, frighten of that power within her. It bubbled under the surface, threatening to rear its head.

‘Last time I check I was a woman…well, Mermaid.’ Adva shot him a steely determined look. He wasn’t sure what she was determined about, but it made him give out a snort, it reminded him of Ciri when she first stumbled into his home.

‘Well, Mermaid…we better get back. I think Jaskier is dying for more of my cooking.’ The older man gave her a small smile as he guided them through the courtyard.

For once, he was as near as excited as a Witcher could be to see Yennefer again, as he could tell that sweet little maid was going to give her a run for her money. A deep smirk set into his features, if he had anything to do with it, Yennefer would definitely have a run for her money.

This was supposed to be out last weekend, but drama has got real. I work in a school, and it’s a mess. I have been trying to sort out all my evidence for a qualification I have been doing, which is draining, and family are having health issues. But I am happy to announce that smut is insight. I have been planning out future chapters, and they are looking good.

For those of you who are confused about Adva’s coping strategy, I sort of based it on me. When I get stressed or anxious I turn into a clean freak.  Recently, I got so stressed I actually put up several shelves, despite not having anything to put on them. I thought it would make her a little more realist. 

I am also having flashes of inspiration for a GeraltxOCxEskel story if anyone is interested. I love Eskel he is like a giant cuddly teddy bear! It properly won't be out till I finish The Witchers Mate, but I am also playing with a squeal which is just a series of one-shots.

Please let me know what you think!

@threepupsinapuddle @broco8 @introvertedmouse @luxyash @vikingsbifrost @pastelblogsposts @wastingmypotential @whitespring21 @ayamenimthiriel @wonderlandfandomkingdom @shesthelastjedi @fandom-lover-4 @sageandberries-png 

#geralt smut #geralt x reader #geralt of rivia #witcher geralt #Geralt #geralt imagine #the witcher #netflix the witcher #witcher netflix #geralt x oc #geralt x smut

[crazybagelbitch]

Hi I quickly skimmed over it before the baby goes to bed because I can’t resist 😭 I need part 2

Again, trigger warning for addiction, drugs, and suicidal thoughts!

It takes her a few minutes of anguished sobbing before the dread and the guilt set in. He clearly wasn’t sold on the concept of keeping himself alive, and she had screamed that she hated him and ran out of his apartment.

Yeah, probably not the wisest option.

He left the door unlocked, thankfully, but that’s just another reminder that Chimney is so far from being himself lately. He’s meticulous- in terms of cleanliness, organization, and security.

“Hon-- Chimney? I came back. Where are you?”

“Get out,” he grumbles, and despite the fact that he’s pissed off and telling her to leave she’s not sure she’s ever been so happy to hear his voice.

“No, Howie, I can’t do that,” she sighs, coming over to him sitting on the edge of the bed and using the element of surprise, rushing forward to sit in his lap before he can move to get up.

“Maddie, get off me.”

“No,” she says simply, cupping his face in her hands, “baby, you look so sick.”

“Don’t call me that,” he snaps, “not anymore.”

“That’s fair,” she nods with a sigh, “I’m sorry. But Chim, you look so unwell. You are so unwell. Can’t you see that?”

“I’m not stupid, so yeah, I can’t.”

“You’re being snappy with me. You’re never like that. You’re never mean. You’re not yourself. Let me help you be yourself again.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not? What makes dying so much better than getting help?”

He’s quiet, once again just giving her a nonchalant shrug and there’s a part of her that wants to slap him, but she resists the impulse because she knows that would only makes things worse.

“I don’t think Hen’s sleeping. At all.” 

“She’s not,” he replies, voice void of emotion.

“She doesn’t want to lose her best friend. She loves you so much. She needs you, Chim.”

“She doesn’t. Just thinks she does.”

“Do you really believe that?” she asks desperately, pulling back just enough to search his dull eyes, “do you really think she doesn’t need you?”

Another shrug. Another moment of wanting to slap him.

“You’re going to get help. You’re going to rehab.”

“You can’t make me.”

“Wanna watch me try?”

“Hen and Bobby have been trying for weeks now,” he says with an eye roll, “what makes you think you’ll be any more effective? Especially after you left me?”

“I left you to protect you. At least, that’s what I thought I was doing. And I was wrong and I am so, so sorry. And if you want to hate me, if you need to hate me for the rest of your life? That’s fine. That’s fair and I can live with that-- as long as you’re living, too.”

“Give up, Maddie. I’m not your problem any...”

“Chim? Howie? Baby?”

“Feel weird,” he mumbles, eyes fluttering open and shut as she moves quickly, getting off his lap and helping him to lie down.

“You took more while I was gone, didn’t you?” she asks, before answering her own question, “of course you did, I left a suicidal person struggling with substance abuse alone after I screamed at him that I hated him. You’re going to be okay, I got you. Gonna call 9-1-1.”

“Don’t.”

“Shut the fuck up, I am.”

#tw addiction #tw drugs #tw suicidal thoughts #helleanor mode activated #poor sweet baby chim

[aion-rsa]

The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

The holidays are a special time around 30 Rock. While tourists flock to see the towering Christmas tree, the Saturday Night Live writers room is busy thinking of holiday sketches you’ll reminisce about as you put up the stockings for years to come. Some of SNL’s all-time great sketches illustrate the best of the holiday spirit or lack thereof as show’s biggest stars often shined the brightest just before the New Year. 

From unlikely Santas to unorthodox gift-giving, we’re looking at 25 of our favorite Saturday Night Live holiday sketches. We’ll be going in chronological order here. There is a big dose of modern stuff in there, but what can I say? The show might be more miss than hit these days, but they really hit it out of the park year after year with the Christmas sketches.

Santi-Wrap (1976)

Very early in the show’s run, we get this classic where an adult woman (Laraine Newman) is all about sitting on Santa’s lap like when she was a little kid. The initial laugh is that before sitting down, she puts pieces of toilet paper on Santa’s leg for protection, like one would do in a public bathroom. Dan Aykroyd, her companion on this trip, seems shocked by this. Not that she’s trying to protect herself from germs, but because she’s not going far enough!

Suddenly, it turns out to be a commercial for Santi-Wrap, a festive and plasticky take on toilet seat covers. Not only do those two sell the product concept so well, but John Belushi as the mall Santa pushes it further by coming off as a complete disaster of a man who is probably riddled with disease.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

One of the show’s all-time best line deliveries is Belushi’s drunken, “Ho ho ho…” which has both defiant gusto and the sense that he’s seconds away from vomiting all over himself.

Mr. Robinson’s Christmas (1984)

Saturday Night Live has been a stepping stone to superstardom ever since Chevy Chase became a household name during its first season. In the 80s, Eddie Murphy’s recurring roles on SNL helped raise his profile as he eventually became one of, if not the biggest star of the decade. It was around Christmas time when Murphy’s spin on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood became one of the sketches that came to define his tenure at Studio 8H.

Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood isn’t quite as nice as Mister Rogers’ but at Christmas time you have to make the best with what you have. Mr. Robinson was able to do that with a chunk of lettuce and a headless doll and Murphy was able to make the most of every opportunity he had on SNL.

It’s a Wonderful Life: The Lost Ending (1986)

If you’ve seen the 1946 American Christmas classic It’s A Wonderful Life, odds are you’ve been inspired by its heart-warming ending. Thanks to SNL and host William Shatner, we now have footage of the “fabled” lost ending to Frank Capra’s Christmas epic and it’s anything but heartwarming. Rather than end the film with everyone coming to George Bailey’s aid in his time of need and celebrating his lifetime of selflessness and kindness, it decides to give Mr. Potter a fate more explicit than being doomed to failure and loneliness. Phil Hartman pops in as Uncle Billy and not only remembers what happened to the missing money, but knows exactly who has it!

Dana Carvey makes the sketch as a George Bailey hell-bent on revenge. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without seeing him give Mr. Potter a beat down alongside his bloodthirsty loved ones.

Master Thespian Plays Santa Claus (1987)

Jon Lovitz’s characters were usually very hammy by design. Whether he was a pathological liar or the Devil himself, he always went to 11. One of his better recurring characters was Master Thespian, a scene-chewing Shakespearean actor who takes himself and his roles far too seriously.

In this installment, he would be playing the role of a mall Santa Claus.

Thespian doesn’t seem to have heard of Santa, but he’s down for the part. Finding out that there’s no actual script, he improvises and figures out the character via making mistakes and getting scolded by the Macy’s manager (played by Phil Hartman, choosing to base his performance on Frank Nelson because why not). To his surprise, Santa Claus actually LIKES children! These are notes a performer needs to know, man!

Seeing him play off the kids and Hartman is a blast. Speaking of which, one of the better gags is a fart joke that somehow proves how great an actor Master Thespian truly is. THANK YOUUUUUU!

Hanukkah Harry (1989)

Santa Claus (Phil Hartman) is violently ill with the flu, so it seems Christmas might be cancelled. Luckily, there is one man capable of fulfilling his obligations through the same kind of holiday magic. Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz), Santa’s Jewish counterpart, is called in to help.

At its core, it’s a lengthy sketch about Jewish jokes and how lame Hanukkah is outside of it lasting eight days. Springing off of that, it actually makes for a really good, if a little touching, holiday story. There are definite laughs in there, but what was created to be a parody hits a little too close and becomes a genuine gem celebrating both holidays and the spirit of togetherness.

“On Moishe! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”

Motivational Santa (1993)

What started as a pep talk for troubled teens turned into Chris Farley’s iconic recurring character. Matt Foley, the thrice-divorced, sweaty, overweight man who lived in a van down by the river, crashed into our living rooms in 1993 and remained a fixture on SNL until Farley was fired from the show in 1995.

Sometimes a sketch is so successful that the writers are almost forced to bring one or more of its characters around again and Matt Foley was no exception. In one of the funnier times Matt Foley returned, he was hired to spread Christmas cheer as a motivational mall Santa, offering up this gem:

“‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the van Your ol’ buddy Matt fell asleep on the can. His children were nestled two time zones away, With his first wife and her husband, in sunny L.A. Matt woke up and realized with a chill and a quiver That he was living in a van down by the river!“

Though many of the same jokes and physical gags are recycled, Farley’s effort, from the painfully high pitch of his voice to crashing down the chimney, earns the Motivational Santa a place in SNL Christmas lore. 

Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song (1994)

Yes, we’ve heard Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukkah Song” a million times over, but we shouldn’t let that cloud our judgement. It’s one of the first clips that pops into your head when you think “SNL Holiday Sketches” and it will go down as a landmark moment when the history of “Weekend Update” is written 200 years from now. Sandler didn’t use his time to evoke images of being a Jew at Christmas, rather he chose to praise the Festival of Lights and name-drop all the famous people who celebrate it. Since debuting the song in 1994, Sandler’s updated it for his comedy albums and standup routine and given Jewish kids something other than “The Dreidel Song” to belt during during the holidays. Sandler’s clever, original moment is about as influential as it gets for any not-ready-for-prime time player.

It did lead to the movie Eight Crazy Nights, so it isn’t free from sin.

TV Funhouse: Fun with Real Audio (1997)

It’s rare for SNL to get poignant, but here’s a fantastic example. In this animated short, Jesus Christ returns to Earth and spends the first opening minutes being ignored and shoved into the background for disagreeing with televangelists who use his name to line their pockets with donations or to justify their hatred of homosexuals. These bits are, of course, animated over actual audio of said real life sociopaths. Jesus is able to give them their just desserts with his divine magic, but it bums him out.

Walking the city streets, unnoticed by the public at large, Jesus watches Christmas-themed TV through a store window and is disappointed with what he sees. That is, until he comes across Linus’ speech at the end of A Charlie Brown Christmas and we get a final moment that’s adorable, uplifting, and pretty hilarious.

NPR’S Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls (1998)

The dry, NPR-host banter between Ana Gasteyer’s Margaret Jo McCullen — who cheerfully admits that she leaves tap water and rice out for Santa because “Christmas foods really wreak havoc on the ol’ digestive system” — and Molly Shannon’s Teri Rialto as they discuss delectable Yuletide “balls” with Alec Baldwin’s Pete Schweddy is a can’t-miss skit. The trio makes monotone an art form, while remaining dedicated to the naivety of the characters involved. (In response to Alec Baldwin’s, “But the thing I most like to bring out this time of year are my balls,” their faces barely twitch.) It’s double entendre at its finest, and never fails to leave me in stitches.

Pete Schweddy returned in another episode where he introduced the women to his hotdogs, but having them show so much interest in putting his wiener in their mouths was a little too easy a joke to pull off.

I Wish It Was Christmas Today (2000-the heat death of the universe)

On one December episode, there was a short segment of Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan playing a catchy, albeit incredibly stupid song about Christmas being on the way. Sanz played a skinny guitar while singing, Fallon occasionally pressed an elephant noise button on the keyboard, Kattan held the keyboard while shaking his head, and Morgan danced with a look on his face like he got dragged on stage against his will. It was silly and would have probably been forgotten soon after.

Instead, they returned a week later and insisted on playing it again despite being explicitly told not to. Soon they would start playing it during non-December months to show Christmas’ superiority over other holidays. After Simon Cowell insulted the group, he sheepishly agreed that he wanted to join them and broke out some maracas. One year, when Sanz was the only one left in the cast, he replaced his buddies with Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, and Animal while Kermit the Frog danced in a way that you have to wonder if a Muppet is capable of snorting coke.

The song still gets brought out now and then, usually on Fallon’s show. It’s even been covered by Julian Casablancas and Cheap Trick of all people!

They did sing a completely different Christmas song one time, but nobody cared.

Glengarry Glen Elf: Christmas Motivation (2005)

Alec Baldwin seems to be the go-to host for classic Christmas sketches. Playing on his iconic Glengarry Glen Ross character Blake, Baldwin (in a way) reprises the role as 615-year-old “elf from the home office” sent to straighten out the subpar work of Santa’s elves. There couldn’t have been a more perfect break in character than when Baldwin says “Always Be Closing” instead of “Always Be Cobbling” as scripted. It’s a slip-up that makes for a perfect holiday sketch, full of deep-bellied laughs. 

TV Funhouse: Christmastime for the Jews (2005)

Not only is the witty “Christmas for the Jews” written by comedy legend Robert Smigel, but it’s sung by David Letterman’s Christmas angel Darlene Love. In “Christmas for the Jews,” the characters see “Fiddler on the Roof,” grab an early dinner, and enjoy dreamland Daily Show reruns. It’s an intriguing and catchy look at the other side of the Christmas season, complete with a very Rankin-Bass animation style.

Digital Short: Dick in a Box (2006)

Justin Timberlake is one of the most entertaining, versatile hosts that SNL has been gifted. A member of their prestigious Five-Timers Club, “Dick in a Box” is Timberlake’s most memorable sketch, filled with skeevy, disgusting come-ons from Andy Samberg and Timberlake, which has been viewed just millions and millions of times. In 2006, Timberlake had already impressed critics and viewers alike with his acting range in Alpha Dog, but his comedic turns on SNL solidified him as an actor. Timberlake has done a lot of impressive things in his time as an entertainer, but there are few more enjoyable (or laughable) than “Dick in a Box.”

These two R&B weirdos would return later on to sleep with each other’s moms as reciprocated Mother’s Day presents and later swear that being in a two-guy/one-girl three-way isn’t considered gay.

John Malkovich Reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (2008)

As quipped by the man himself, no one emits Christmas spirit quite like John Malkovich. This admission yields the self-reflexive irony of Malkovich reading “The Night Before Christmas” to the children of SNL’s staff. Malkovich, pausing during his reading of the holiday classic, asks the children about the suicide rate rising during the holidays, talking about how shooting a home invader in California is “perfectly legal,” musing about how the tonnage of Santa’s sleigh and reindeer would (scientifically speaking) burst into flames, how in Portugal their version of Saint Nicholas steals children’s toes, as well as reciting the gem: “You know what they say about hopes; they’re what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else.” If you’re in a lighthearted Christmas mood, Malkovich’s monologue is certainly one to enjoy.

Stefon on Holiday Travel (2010)

Bill Hader was highly respected for his versatility and range during his time at SNL, but it was his improvisational skills that turned a Weekend Update bit into a must-see recurring segment. Stefon, likely the defining character for SNL during the 2010s thus far, informed New Yorkers and tourists alike of the city’s hottest nightclubs – with Hader almost always breaking down in laughter as his cue cards were frequently changed from the rehearsal to throw him off.

Stefon knew how to get weird and you can imagine he’d save some fun things for the a “classic New York holiday.” Make sure to check out the Lower, Lower East Side dump hosted by Tranderson Cooper or find a club with the right amount of Puerto Rican Screeches or Gay Aladdins. Just don’t run over the Human Parking Cones.

Stefon would return with more Christmastime insight three years later, where he’d discuss a club called [loud Tauntaun noises], founded by Jewish cartoon character Menorah the Explorer.

Under-Underground Crunkmas Karnival (2010)

Good God, I wish there were more Under-Underground Records sketches. As a parody of the Gathering of the Juggalos, we’d regularly see DJ Supersoak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) excitedly talk up huge concert events that are needlessly violent and inexplicable in their randomness. For instance, there’s the Crunkmas Karnival, which features such musical acts as Dump, Boys II Dicks, Scrotum Fire, and…Third Eye Blind for some reason.

It’s just a bunch of loud humor that goes back and forth between being stupidly hardcore and being meekly out of left field. Yes, you can go check out a “dong tug-of-war,” but you can also see a special 2D screening of the Owls of Ga’hoole or meet Spaceballs star Pizza the Hut. Not to mention the return of their most fondly remembered running gag, the endless undying and dying of Ass Dan.

This Christmas-based event will take place in February. Sounds about right.

Ornaments (2011)

Every now and then, SNL will do a sketch towards the end of the show where the guest will talk about whichever holiday is coming up and awkwardly go into one of the aspects of it, such as Easter eggs or Halloween candy. In this instance, it’s Steve Buscemi unloading a box of Christmas ornaments and commenting on each one. All the while, Kristen Wiig plays Sheila, his girlfriend who appears to be more than a little off and doesn’t quite grasp tree decorating.

Buscemi’s descriptions range from delightful non-humor to outlandish and disturbing. He might make an intentionally lame joke about one ornament before holding up another and matter-of-factly letting you know that, “I put this one up my butt.”

And somehow he’s still the straight man in this bit.

You’re a Rat Bastard Charlie Brown (2012)

This sketch is centered on Bill Hader playing Al Pacino, playing Charlie Brown. The rest of the cast turns out bang-up impressions as well: Jason Sudeikis playing Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Pigpen, Kate McKinnon as Edie Falco playing Lucy (as Charlie Brown’s drug peddling therapist, causing a holiday-blues Charlie to say, “Oh yeah…I want something to take me sky high!”), Martin Short playing Larry David playing Linus, Taran Killam doing Michael Keaton as Schroeder, and Cecily Strong as Fran Drescher as Charlie Brown’s mother, all performed in front of a baffled childhood audience.

For anyone who grew up watching Charlie Brown and Co., watching Bill Hader/Al Pacino/Charlie Brown unleash the expletive-laden “You’re gonna hold that f***ing football?!” towards Kate McKinnion/Edie Falco/Lucy, and saying, “Ow, you bitch!” after she pulls it away is absolutely to die for.

Jebidiah Atkinson on Holiday Movies (2013)

For a time, Taran Killam played Jebidiah Atkinson, a Weekend Update character based on how an old newspaper editorial was discovered that panned Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. Atkinson, somehow still alive, would appear and read review snippets about other big speeches he hated.

One of his return appearances had him discuss holiday specials and movies. Every single one of them he hates. Every single one of them gets roasted. His vicious energy is so over-the-top that the good jokes land and the bad jokes still get a laugh from the misplaced confidence. Over these several minutes, he screams about how much of a depressing bore A Charlie Brown Christmas is, how the Grinch stole a half hour of his life, and how every time they play It’s a Wonderful Life, an angel blows its brains out.

This one is admittedly a bit dated with its biggest joke, where his distaste for Snoopy is so great that he wishes Family Guy killed him off instead of Brian. The horror from the audience still makes it worth it.

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular (2014)

Ah, Christmas Mass. The drum solo for every childhood during Christmas time. It’s uncomfortable and especially boring. Ergo, liven it up by framing it as a big, in-your-face event via what amounts to a monster truck rally commercial!

It’s a brilliant use of contrast. Take an event that is so mundane with so many familiar and shared experiences and treat it like it’s some extreme thing. The familiarity of the pastor making corny jokes that get the most minor of laughs is treated like a once-in-a-lifetime event. It shines a light on the weird tics of the prominent people you see at church and feels amazingly universal.

The SNL cast is fantastic here, but the MVP is Cecily Strong as the middle-age woman who is way into doing a reading in the loudest, most overly articulate speaking voice possible.

Sump’N Claus (2014)

Getting gifts from Santa Claus is great and all, but when you grow up, you realize how hard it truly is to be nice all year round. Luckily, there’s an alternative. Introduced via an extremely catchy song, we meet Sump’n Claus (Keenan Thompson), a pimp-like offshoot of Santa who not only used to work for St. Nick, but also appears to have some dirt on him.

Sump’n Claus sings several verses about people who have had breakdowns and would be thrown onto the naughty list. Sump’n Claus doesn’t care about that. You be you. Every December, he’ll still be there to hand you an envelope full of twenties and fifties. He’s the holiday mascot for adults, basically.

One of the highlights is how he mentions that Santa is not your friend as friends don’t watch you while you’re sleeping.

The Christmas Candle (2016)

Christmas has been saved by many different things: ghosts who see through time, an angel trying to earn his wings, a reindeer’s glowing nose, New Yorkers singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” and so on. Then again, sometimes you need a savior for something with lower stakes.

In the form of a mid-1990s all ladies group that gives me kind of a Celine Dion vibe, we’re given a wonderful song that starts with the tale of a woman who had to get a coworker a gift for Secret Santa. She found an old peach candle in her closet and just gave her that. The second verse is a similar situation where not only is a peach candle given as a throwaway gift to an acquaintance, but it’s THE SAME candle. Yes, somehow this one peach candle is re-gifted across the globe through latter December by women and gay men who couldn’t be bothered to put thought into their presents.

Truly a miracle.

First Impression (2018)

Beck Bennett plays a guy about to finally meet his girlfriend’s (Melissa Villaseñor) parents and he’s nervous as hell. She assures him that he’ll be fine, but he really wants to impress them. Sure enough, he tries to impress them in the weirdest way by hiding somewhere in the house and speaking in a high-pitched voice in order to dare them to find him. Her parents (Jason Momoa and Heidi Gardner) are notably confused, as is she.

It’s already a strange and silly bit, but Jason Momoa shifts it into gear by suddenly being COMPLETELY into it. Removing his jacket with purpose, Momoa excitedly starts searching the house for this guy. The fact that Momoa is playing an overweight 60-year-old man is enough of a novelty, but he brings this oddball zest to the role as he starts to literally tear the home to pieces in order to get a look at his daughter’s elusive boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plans here are both overly complicated and half-baked, culminating in an ending that’s as happy as it’s inexplicable and off-putting.

North Pole News Report (2019)

When Eddie Murphy returned to SNL, there was much fanfare. A completely solid episode, it admittedly spent too much of its runtime revisiting his old recurring classics like Mr. Robinson, Gumby, and Velvet Jones. The final sketch of the night goes full blast with his manic energy as he plays an elf eyewitness on the elf news, screaming bloody murder about a horrible tragedy. Mikey Day is reporter Donny Chestnut, looking at the destruction of a toy factory. As he tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on, Murphy bursts onto the scene, screaming about a polar bear attacking the elves and eating them like Skittles. And just screaming in general.

The best line comes from the elf (who keeps declaring, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT MY NAME IS!”) bringing over one of the survivors, and noting that, “This white, teenage elf girl ran out here, straight up to me – a black elf in sweatpants – and asked me to keep her safe. That’s how bad it is!” Despite this elf being right about the situation, Donny Chestnut keeps trying to sideline him for being increasingly erratic about Santa’s potential role in the slaughter and what it means for Christmas. Even as he trips over some of his lines, Eddie Murphy is so damn precious here.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

December to Remember Car Commercial (2020)

It might be in bad form to include a sketch from this very year, but man, this joke is not only long overdue, but the acting is top notch. Heidi Gardner’s barely repressed rage is something special.

You’ve seen the commercial a million times. It’s Christmas morning and someone reveals a brand new car to a loved one. As part of Lexus’ December to Remember, Beck Bennett reveals a brand new Lexus with a giant bow to his wife (Gardner) and their son (Timothée Chalamet). What initially appears as shock turns out to be fury and confusion over what is a selfish and short-sighted decision. Buying a car is a huge deal and isn’t something you don’t tell your significant other. More than that, Bennett’s character hasn’t been employed for about a year and a half and has no way of affording such a thing. The thread is pulled away, unraveling both how much of an idiot he is and how doomed their family life happens to be.

Then neighbor Mikey Day shows up and it hits another level. Beck Bennett is the expert at playing guys with misplaced confidence who haven’t come close to thinking things through.

The post The 25 Best SNL Holiday Sketches appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3raE4UF

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

[rue-mii]

(i accidentally deleted my original draft for this, crYiNg- i'm so bad at tumblr omfg)

okay so, round 2: i have all my main team drawn out but i'm probably going to be posting them individually, just bc i think it might be better that way (?)

this laddie right here is chimney, the cautious vampire! chimney isn't his real name, but i actually haven't found one for him yet (despite it having been 2 years since i've had his concept oOPs-)?? anyways- he's uri's #1 best friend in this au, having known each other since birth (chimney's mom and uri's pops were also best friends)! he's actually a mix between a faerie and a vampire, although he looks more like his dad but takes after his mother's vampiric abilities. chimney's got a comically large family, with a lot of the mii cast being his relatives (i just needed to fill those roles in and some were just good fits okay??). moving on, one of the big things about chimney is he's got a gigantic crush on uri. like this boy is /infatuated/, but he's got as much confidence as uri has height (or in simpler terms; not very much). his main fear about confessing is that he thinks uri wouldn't feel the same (spoilers: not true) and he'd just end up ruining their friendship.

some other little tidbits about him:

- chimney didn't really like the heart set at first, but one time uri said he looked good in it so now it's his go to outfit (they match!)

- he's the strongest member on the team in terms of strength and abilities, a common vampiric trait in this au

- using his stealing hp / gifting teammates vampire powers is... an uncomfortable experience. he always apologizes before biting (it's still kind of awkward).

that's really all about chimney for now, this au is still pretty new (as in i made it completely on a whim a couple of days ago lmfao) but it's nice to share these ideas somewhere :''>

#miitopia au #miitopia #my art #au #digital art #oc #original character

[anotherkpopvictim]

Walking In Our Own Winter Wonderland - TaeKook Drabble

(Edited this picture myself)

A/N: So I wanted to write some Taekook fluff for the winter season and it turned into smut too...

Oops?

Also, Happy Birthday, Taehyungie <3

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook X Kim Taehyung

Rating: M (smut)

Words: 4556

Smut, fluff, Top!Kook, Bottom!Tae, Sub!Kook, Dom!Tae, SubTop!Kook, PowerBottom!Tae

Disclaimer: I don’t know anything about ski resorts in South Korea. I based this mostly on a ski resort in Canada I’ve been to many times and very, very loosely on the Yongpyong ski resort in South Korea that I looked into a bit. So, some information is most likely inaccurate, but it’s a fanfiction so who cares.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

“I’m going to miss you so much!” Jimin exclaimed through overdramatic tears. His arms were wrapped tightly around Taehyung’s waist and his head was buried in his chest.

Taehyung held back his own tears (despite how ridiculous this whole thing was) and gave his platonic soulmate a consoling pat on the back. “I’m gonna miss you too, Jiminie.”

Their disgusting scene was interrupted by one Min Yoongi, who walked into the dorm’s entryway with Jungkook carrying two suitcases behind him. “Ew, enough you two. Taehyung and Jungkook are only going to be gone for a few days. Sometimes I swear you’re the ones dating.”

Taehyung saw the familiar flash of jealousy in Jungkook’s eyes at their hyung’s words. The second youngest huffed out a laugh and disentangled himself from Jimin to look over at Jungkook. “Relax, baby. You know Yoongi-hyung is just joking.”

Jimin seemed to understand that his touchiness was pushing it with the very protective maknae and gave Taehyung one more good hug before stepping back and giving him space.

Taehyung walked over to the now pouting Jungkook and wrapped his own arms around his waist. “You’re the only one for me, bun.” He promised, sealing the promise with a quick but firm kiss to the maknae’s cheek.

Jungkook was always so easily riled up, and part of Taehyung couldn’t ignore that he absolutely loved to see the blush that crawled up his lover’s neck and covered his cheeks. There was a bit of pride and happiness shining in the younger’s eyes now, content with the confirmation of their relationship.

“God,” Yoongi scrunched his nose up and pretended to shield his eyes from the scene, “Yeah, okay, you guys are definitely still the worst.”

Taehyung and Jungkook both turned to stick their tongues out maturely at their hyung just as Hoseok, Seokjin, and Namjoon walked in from the living room. Their entryway was getting crowded now as it wasn’t really meant for seven people to be in at once.

“Did you guys pack scarves? It’s supposed to be super cold up at the resort,” Hoseok asked, a worried furrow to his brow.

“Yep,” Jungkook replied.

“What about extra socks? Underwear?” Jin added, looking equally as worried about the two youngest.

Jungkook and Taehyung both rolled their eyes. “Yes, hyungs,” Taehyung said, “I promise we’ll be fine.”

“I trust you’ll do your best not to be spotted,” Namjoon gave them a dimpled smile and a pat on the shoulder, “So have fun, alright?”

“But not too much fun!” Hoseok exclaimed.

“Oh, please,” Jimin waved his hand, “We all know they’re going to be fucking the whole time.”

Jungkook, who’s skin color had almost returned to normal after Taehyung’s teasing, flushed bright red again at Jimin’s comment. Taehyung laughed it off while the other hyungs groaned in mock disgust.

------------------------------------------

Their manager had assisted them in hiring a private shuttle bus to take the two maknaes to the ski resort they would be staying at for a few days. The ride was going to be a couple hours long, so they settled into the seats and shared headphones so they could listen to some of their favorite music on the way.

They’d planned this trip for months, begging their boss to allow them some time off between Christmas day and Taehyung’s birthday on the thirtieth of the month.

So here they were, fresh off the Christmas high and about to spend some much needed alone time in a picturesque winter wonderland.

Taehyung had the window seat and often let his eyes take in the changing scenery outside. More snow covered the world in a blanket of white the higher in altitude they got.

Jungkook leaned his head on Taehyung’s shoulder and pulled one of the older’s big hands into his lap so he could fiddle with his fingers - a common habit of his. He’d always thought that Taehyung had the most beautiful hands. He could sit there and stare at them forever and he probably wouldn’t even get sick of them.

The driver of the shuttle bus had been chosen specifically as the company had deemed him trustworthy, and he was contracted not to say anything about what he witnessed between the two youngest members of one of the world’s biggest boybands. Taehyung caught his gaze a few times in the rearview mirror, noticing the fond smile the man had on his face when he saw the two of them holding hands.

When they arrived at the cabin they had rented after checking in, the kind driver took their luggage inside for them and bid them goodbye.

The cabin was on the outskirts of the actual ski resort, which meant a lot of walking to get to the little village, but also meant that they had more privacy. It was rustic-looking and Taehyung could see a billow of smoke coming out of the chimney.

They had hired someone to stock the kitchen with some food for them as they knew it was too dangerous to risk going to get groceries on their own and getting spotted by a fan. It seemed that whoever had done that had also started the fire for them.

The two of them walked into a toasty warm cabin, a welcome feeling even after only being in the bitter cold outside for a few minutes. The open-concept cabin space was lit up by a few lamps and the natural sun beaming in from the window. The design was old fashioned in a way, so different from the modern look of their dorm in Seoul. It was beautiful.

As Jungkook started unpacking a few of their things, Taehyung made some hot chocolate. He topped it with whipped cream and settled onto the couch in the living room with the younger.

“Isn’t it amazing here?” Jungkook asked as they played a K-Drama they’d been meaning to watch in the background.

Taehyung’s lips turned up at the corners in a longing sort of smile. “Yeah, it is,” he replied, “It reminds me of my home as a child - except, more snow.”

Jungkook chuckled lightly in agreement and then said shyly, “Part of me never wants to leave and we’ve only just gotten here.”

The smile on Taehyung’s face turned softer, sadder. “I know, baby. Me too.”

Neither of them said it out loud, but the underlying meaning in Jungkook’s words was there. Here, they didn’t have to hide. Here, they didn’t have to watch what they did and said constantly so no one would know they were romantically involved. Even if just for a while, Taehyung and Jungkook could get away from those responsibilities and be themselves.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Taehyung curled into the maknae’s side, a fluffy blanket draped over the two of them.

Once nighttime fell upon them, Taehyung stoked the fire and added some firewood while Jungkook cooked them up some dinner in the kitchen. The two of them continued the drama they were watching as they munched on their tasty meal, and then they cuddled up together once more.

Finding time alone was difficult with their careers and living situations, and as much as Taehyung wanted to use this time to their advantage, they were too tired to do anything tonight. They’d performed at the KBS Song Festival just the day before, and the preparation in the days before that meant that they were exhausted and in need of a full night of sleep.

That didn’t mean that the two of them didn’t share many kisses throughout the evening though. Jungkook would shyly peck his hyung on the lips every once in a while, while Taehyung was much more forward, but that was how it had always been between them. Taehyung hugged the maknae any chance he had to do so and pressed kisses wherever he saw fit - Jungkook’s face, neck, arms, hair, it didn’t matter.

When they finally turned off the television and lights for the night and curled up together under the covers of the queen-sized bed, their kisses became a little more heated.

It started as a simple peck, but Jungkook just couldn’t seem to bring himself to pull away. Taehyung certainly wasn’t complaining and eagerly accepted the younger’s tongue into his mouth when it prodded against his bottom lip.

Taehyung let out a sigh of content and held tighter to the younger’s dark locks. He allowed the heat to simmer in the pit of his stomach as Jungkook pulled him flush against him by the waist.

“Mm, baby,” Taehyung mumbled half-heartedly against the other’s lips, “We should stop before things get out of control.”

Jungkook didn’t look like he particularly agreed, but he listened and placed a final kiss to his hyung’s lips before pulling away and leaning their foreheads together.

Taehyung moved his hand from the nape of the maknae’s neck to the side of his face where he let his thumb caress Jungkook’s cheek softly. The younger couldn’t help but lean into the tender touch.

“Tomorrow,” Jungkook muttered, his eyes half-closing from the comfort of the older’s touch. “Tomorrow, I’m going to love you so hard, hyung.”

Taehyung couldn’t help but smile a little at the cute words. Even after all these years, Jungkook still didn’t like saying crude things or even using the word “sex”. It was endlessly adorable, though, so Taehyung didn’t mind in the slightest. The maknae was so pure in that way, even if he was certainly no longer a virgin.

“I’ll hold you to that, bun,” Taehyung replied softly, unable to stop himself from kissing the younger’s lips one more time before settling his head back on his pillow. They were facing each other and pressed closely, Jungkook’s arm tossed over his hyung’s waist. “I love you.”

“Love you too, hyung. Always.”

----------------------------------------

The next morning they stuffed their faces with a hearty breakfast before heading out to the slopes. They were lucky enough to catch the first chairlift ride of the day and talked about what run they wanted to go on first as they were carried up the mountain.

Both of them had tried skiing in the past and found they preferred snowboarding so they had rented the right equipment. Once they hopped off the lift and settled on a run that was a bit longer for their first, the two of them were off.

The freedom of cruising across the snow at a consistent speed was exhilarating and they laughed unabashedly at the feeling. Their laughing turned to straight-up cackling when Taehyung came to a momentary stop and tipped over backward, his arms flailing funnily in the air before he fell on his ass.

Jungkook tried to show off to his hyung a few times by doing complicated turns until Taehyung made him stop in fear of injuring himself. “I know how talented you are at so many things - snowboarding included. You don’t need to risk your hurting yourself at my expense,” he’d said, and though Jungkook couldn’t see the older’s eyes behind his mask and goggles, he could hear the tenderness and emotion in his deep voice.

The two of them completed four total runs before they took a break for lunch. Unfortunately, they couldn’t go to any restaurants for fear of being seen so they instead went back to their cabin. They didn’t mind too much, though, if it meant they didn’t need to hide.

After defrosting their fingers and toes by the fireplace and making sure their stomachs were full, they headed back to the slopes once more. They only did three more runs before the sun disappeared behind the mountains and an orange and pink sunset took over the sky.

Taehyung and Jungkook trudged through the snow back to their cabin, breathing heavily through their face masks. They wished to take them off so they could take some deep breaths but didn’t want to risk showing any part of their faces. Even their goggles had been replaced with sunglasses to hide their eyes.

While the older was definitely beginning to feel the soreness of his muscles already, the maknae looked like he could keep snowboarding forever. Jungkook’s stamina was insane, and Taehyung would always be shocked by it.

“How are you not tired?”

Jungkook looked at him and Taehyung could see his cheeks lifting in a smile behind his mask. He knew it was that favorite smile of this, the one that made him look like a bunny. “I don’t know, hyung, maybe you’re just old.”

“Yah!” Taehyung smacked the maknae on the arm, but the hit was weak as his arms were beginning to feel even sorer as the minutes went on.

“Don’t worry, hyung, I’ll take care of you,” the younger replied.

“When I’m actually old?”

“And now,” Jungkook said, his voice getting audibly shyer. “I’ll always take care of you.”

And he kept to his word.

When they finally arrived back at the cabin, Jungkook helped Taehyung take off the heavy winter clothing and assisted him to lay on the couch. The older let his body rest while the still energized maknae headed off to make dinner again.

Their dinner was followed by Taehyung suggesting a bath. They filled up the giant tub in the bathroom with steaming water and a touch of bubble bath. Jungkook sat behind the older, his chest flush with Taehyung’s back.

The maknae started massaging Taehyung’s sore arms, causing him to let out a groan of relief. Jungkook worked his way down his hyung’s body with his hands, making sure to caress every bit of skin he could like he was mapping out the other’s every curve.

Then, in a brave step for him, Jungkook pressed his lips to Taehyung’s shoulder and began sucking a love bite into the skin. Taehyung titled his head to bare his neck more to his boyfriend, his own hands tracing over the veins in the maknae’s forearms as fingers dug into his thighs.

Gulping against his suddenly dry throat, Taehyung moaned out, “Want to fuck me tonight, baby?”

Jungkook let out a sound somewhere between a moan and whine and replied, “Wanna show you how much I love you, hyung.”

As if to further make his point, Jungkook rolled his hips up against the older’s ass, making sure he could feel the hardness of his cock.

Taehyung couldn’t help the gasp he let out at the feel of it or the wave of arousal that went through his body as a result. “Wanna go to bed?” he questioned, his voice breathy and low.

“No,” Jungkook shook his head before resuming pressing kisses all over his hyung’s neck. “Want you right here.”

Taehyung let out a huff of a chuckle, “Well, it’ll make for easy cleanup, I guess.”

Jungkook’s hands were massaging over his narrow hips and lightly muscled thighs as if he couldn’t get enough. “Hyung,” he whined, “Tell me I can. Tell me I can make love to you right here.”

As if Taehyung could ever say no to the maknae. “Yes, baby. Show me how much you love me.”

Jungkook had always been the kind of person to make a competition out of everything, or at least, he became beyond determined to succeed no matter the task given to him. It was no different when it came to sex and Taehyung had to admit that the younger’s relentless drive to do well was a huge turn on.

So, at the older’s words, Jungkook’s grip on his hyung’s hips tightened before one hand slid around to his front and took hold of his cock. He began tugging at the girth and reveling in the exquisite sounds leaving Taehyung’s mouth at the pleasurable touch.

Taehyung’s own hand reached behind him and buried itself into the maknae’s slightly curly hair at the nape of his neck. He pulled perhaps a bit too hard, but judging by the moan of contentment Jungkook let out, he didn’t seem to mind.

After a few minutes of working Taehyung up with a hand on his dick, Jungkook let go and reached over the edge of the tub to grab at something he had set on the floor earlier. He came back up with a bottle of lube in his hand and wasted no time in pouring some on his fingers.

The first touch of Jungkook’s slender fingers against his entrance made Taehyung moan unabashedly. He’d always been eagerly vocal, especially after Jungkook had told him once that it made him feel more confident in his actions.

The pointer finger slipped in first, and there wasn’t much resistance since Taehyung had taken to fucking himself on his own fingers quite often when he couldn’t be with the younger over the last few months.

Jungkook slipped the middle finger in alongside the first quickly and felt his hyung’s walls hugging the digits. “So tight, hyung,” he commented, his own breathing becoming uneven now.

“Add another, bun,” Taehyung ordered softly as he opened his thighs wider, “I can’t wait for you much longer.”

The maknae groaned at the admission and obliged, slipping three fingers into the older’s tight hole. He started to pump them in and out rhythmically, searching for that one spot inside Taehyung that he knew would make him see stars.

“Oh, Kook!” Taehyung gasped as the maknae pressed the tips of his fingers directly over his prostate. “Right there, baby! Right there!” With one hand still in Jungkook’s hair and the other on the younger’s muscly forearm, his grip tightened.

Jungkook moaned out loudly, his hyung’s pleasure adding immensely to his own. “C-Can I? Can I...”

“Yes,” Taehyung finished for him, “Fuck me, baby. Fuck me hard like I know you can.”

The maknae removed his fingers and not a second later was aligning his rock hard cock between Taehyung’s ass cheeks. The head caught on the older’s rim before Jungkook kicked his hips forward and buried himself to the hilt inside of his hyung.

“God, fuck!” Taehyung shouted, the feeling of being filled by his lover’s dick after months both relieving and overwhelming.

“Missed you like this, Tae,” Jungkook grunted, “Missed feeling you around me.”

“Missed your fucking cock inside me so much, Kook,” Taehyung replied, his words becoming dirtier and dirtier as they tended to do when he was aroused. “Wish you could stay here forever.”

Jungkook pulled back, allowing his dick to slide out most of the way before thrusting his hips up once more. Taehyung’s body jolted with the rough movement, the water around them beginning to turn to waves.

The younger man adjusted his grip on his hyung’s hips, no doubt leaving some bruises that would be seen the following days. Jungkook held him tightly, easily, and guided Taehyung’s movements to match his own.

“Fuck!” Taehyung all but screamed as the maknae rammed right into his prostate. “There, Kook. There!”

And Jungkook had no trouble delivering his hyung’s commands. He set a steady pace, his muscles tightening as he worked to move both of their weights together. His thrusts were fast and hard, and of fucking course the Golden Maknae was able to hit his sensitive bundle of nerves every single time without fault.

Taehyung’s grip on the maknae’s hair was probably painful, but Jungkook still didn’t say anything about it and the older was too far out of his mind to really notice it himself.

“It’s...hyung...” Jungkook was panting harshly, sweat forming at his hairline. “‘M gonna...gonna cum...”

The older man tossed his head back against Jungkook’s shoulder, lips parted as he tried to get in some oxygen in between his pleasured moans. “Not yet,” he managed out.

Jungkook’s pace stuttered a bit in confusion, “What?”

“Not yet, Jungkook,” Taehyung repeated, this time more firmly than the last.

“Hyung!”

“You can do it, baby. I know you can.”

Taehyung pushed his hips back forcefully, drawing a whine out of the younger man as his dick was buried inside his hyung even further than before.

But as stated before, Jungkook was never one to back down from a challenge. He felt like he was going to burst with how close he was to that familiar euphoria but held himself back by what seemed like a flimsy thread.

Their movements became violent enough to send the waves higher up the walls of the tub and splash over the edges.

Somewhere far in the back of Taehyung’s mind, he was thankful that their rented cabin was a good distance away from anyone else. They weren’t exactly keeping things quiet, but why should they when they had finally been given the chance?

Taehyung came first, a high-pitched moan leaving his throat as all the muscles in his body coiled with his orgasm. He didn’t revel in his high, however, not when he knew he had a maknae on the brink of his own orgasm right behind him.

“You can cum now, baby,” Taehyung crooned in his familiar, deep baritone. His hand released the younger’s hair from its tight hold and instead moved to softly pet the dark locks. “You were so good to me. Made me feel so good, Kook.”

Jungkook buried his face in his hyung’s neck to muffle his moans as he finally came too.

Taehyung murmured softly to the younger as he felt his warm cum inside of him. He belatedly realized that the water surrounding them was cooling rapidly and reached over to drain a bit from the tub. Then he turned the tap and allowed some fresh, hot water to warm them up again.

“Hyung?”

The older snapped his head towards Jungkook and automatically reached out to caress the side of his face. “Yeah, bun?”

Jungkook was looking at him with slightly hazy eyes, a content smile on his face. “C-Can I have a kiss?”

Taehyung nearly melted at the sweet request but instead nodded and complied, pressing his lips softly against the younger’s. They moved slowly, in no rush, just expressing the love they felt for each other through the motions of their mouths.

“Let’s get cleaned up and head back to bed, yeah?” Taehyung suggested gently.

A few minutes later the two of them were clinging to each other under the blankets, the older’s head resting on the maknae’s shoulder and an arm thrown over his waist. He fell asleep to the sound of Jungkook’s steady, comforting heartbeat resonating in his ears.

--------------------------------------------

Jungkook dressed up in his black winter jacket and snow boots, finishing off his outfit with the scarf and gloves Taehyung had gotten him for Christmas. The scarf was made of some high end, super expensive fabric in a checkered pattern of light blue colors. “Soft and baby blue for my soft baby boy,” Taehyung had said when he’d opened it a few days earlier.

Taehyung was dressed to the nines (as he always was) in a long, midnight blue coat that pulled in at his waist and accentuated his long legs. His feet were adorned with maroon colored boots, a matching scarf around his neck.

“You always make me feel like I’m wearing rags when you wear things like this,” Jungkook complained, a cute pout on his lips that contrasted the awed look in his eyes as he looked at his hyung.

Taehyung chuckled and moved to adjust the younger’s scarf. “That’s why I got you this scarf, silly. So you can fit right in standing next to me,” he teased with a smirk.

“Shut up.”

The older only laughed harder. Once he calmed down, he reached out to grab Jungkook’s gloved hand in his own. “Come on, I want to go see the sunrise!”

Both of them pulled on large black beanies and dark face masks. These were meant to disguise their appearance, but Jungkook and Taehyung both knew their outfits would give them away to any fan. Management didn’t need to know that though.

Hopefully getting up at six o’clock in the morning to go for a hike meant that it was too early for many people to be up yet.

Though it was bitterly cold outside, they could both see that the skies were clear from the first bit of light peeking over the hill opposite to their rented cabin. That had been another reason they’d rented this cabin; it was only a few feet away from a great hiking trail that Seokjin had said had one of the best, pretty unknown views of the sunrise in the morning at the top. It was like a hidden treasure of sorts.

Jungkook and Taehyung gripped each other’s hands and spoke softly to each other as they made their way up the path. It was still too dark to enjoy the nature around them, so they filled their time with talking about anything and everything that came to their minds.

It was about fifteen minutes later that they reached the lookout point. It had gotten brighter in just a few minutes, the sky an orangy-pink color that accented the white of the snow nicely. A coat of fluffy white covered every part of the little village they overlooked, sparkling in the first rays of the morning sunlight.

The two of them both pulled out their cameras from their camera bags and snapped some pictures of the stunning scene before them.

Taehyung checked around them to confirm there was no one else around before pulling off his beanie and face mask, gesturing to the younger to do the same.

Jungkook followed, of course, though his eyes were wide and darting around like a frightened bunny as he did so.

“Take some pictures of me!” Taehyung urged, fixing the mess of his hair his beanie had made and going over to stand next to a tree.

Jungkook grinned and lifted his camera so he could look in the viewfinder. He always locked onto the perfect picture so easily when Taehyung was around, but maybe he was just biased. He snapped a few pictures where the sunlight hit Taehyung’s profile and lit up his adorable smile.

The older pulled Jungkook into his side and took probably too many shots of the two of them together, but he would take any excuse to be close to his boyfriend.

Taehyung eventually did insist on taking some pictures of Jungkook alone, despite the younger’s timid denial.

Jungkook looked ethereal in the photos the older took of him. All gentle, shy smiles and a bit of blush painting his cheeks.

As the older slowly lowered the camera and glanced around once more, the younger furrowed his brows in confusion.

Taehyung turned back to him and placed his hands on the younger’s cheeks. Then he quickly guided Jungkook into a tender kiss.

The maknae startled at first, not expecting it, but he kissed his hyung back easily as his own hands slipped to hold Taehyung’s waist.

“One day,” the older said when they finally pulled away for air and leaned their foreheads against each other, “One day, we won’t have to hide anymore, Jungkook. I promise.”

The maknae squeezed at his hips in response, a silent motion of understanding. “I love you to the other end of the universe and back, hyung.”

The corner’s of Taehyung’s lips quirked up at the words before he moved to press a gentle kiss to Jungkook’s forehead. “I love you to the other end of the universe and back too, baby.”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A/N: So this kind of just wrote itself. I hope it’s alright. Please let me know what you thought <3

Also, about the Namjoon X BTS request I’m working on, it will be up on Thursday. Thank you so much to the requester for the patience and I hope that it will be worth the wait when you read it!

#bts #bts drabble #bts drabbles #bts fanfic #bts fanfics #bts fanfiction #bts jungkook #bts taehyung #bts v #jeon jungkook #kim taehyung #bts vkook #bts taekook #vkook #taekook

[astoria00]

We’ll find our Way

Snow was a nuisance.

Even if it didn’t really pose a threat to her temperature wise, it had become a hazard to travel through…especially because she had to hold Neo’s hand oh so often while outside.

It was embarrassing, it was mortifying and…it messed with her head.

She avoided physical contact where she could, but this…this didn’t feel so bad.

Similar to how she had caught the short girl fast asleep, curled up against her side that one day.

Which she probably would never admit.

 …not that there even was a reason to do that.

She was just stressed.

Unsurprisingly, keeping in mind just who was definitely going to come after her sooner or later, but fortunately they hadn’t run into any grimm under her control yet.

…which would change as soon as Salem gave them the order to capture her.

 Sighing softly she inspected her surroundings.

Trees, snow and even more trees as far as one could see.

Neo trailed behind her, visibly strained from the overuse of her aura lately.

It tended to make Cinder nervous.

There was only so much backstabbing she was willing to endure.

Traveling by foot was far more demanding and slow than she had anticipated.

They had passed Argus only a few days ago, the whole city in utter uproar at the news of Atlas destruction, rumors of war whirring around.

Cinder knew their options where to…run to were quite limited, with Beacon overrun by grimm and Vacuo being the next big target on Salem’s list, so it seemed Mistral was the safest place for them right now.

 ‘Ugh.’

 She wished they wouldn’t need to return to that blasted kingdom.

Not for the first time Cinder cursed herself for failing the attack on Haven.

To see it burned to the ground, just like…

 What have you done?!

You will regret this, Cinderella!

 Clenching her hands into fists, she ripped herself from these disturbing thoughts.

It wouldn’t do her any good.

Not when they needed to focus on finding another shelter for the night.

 It was then that Neo caught up to her, pointing excitedly to a point farther ahead.

Following her line of sight Cinder managed to make out the blurry schemes of a building.

 “Good job, Neo”, she praised the shorter girl, while internally calculating how long it would take to get there.

 Since losing her eye her depth perception was pretty much gone and she had to draw everything from experience and muscle memory…or in this case, Neo’s vision.

Neo grinned at her, as she went for her right hand.

 ‘Ah…’

 That could only mean her companion was almost out of aura.

Oh well…she guessed she had to get used to this from now on.

Entwining her hand with Neo’s they both tracked through the snow.

 It took them maybe half an hour to reach the gate leading to the land’s property…half an hour too long of holding hands, while running through the wilderness in Cinder’s opinion.

Not that she complained…

…and that was exactly what was bothering her.

Her almost nonchalant reaction to being touched by Neo.

 Coming to a halt in front of a wooden post that read: Brunswick Farms, the dark haired girl squinted at the half destroyed main building with suspicion.

This looked like a small village of sorts…or at least a small community, so…where was everybody?

Aside from the central house, everything else looked to be in pristine condition…just…abandoned.

Neo however didn’t seem to care too much about this strange occurrence, instead she simply stared in disbelief at the wooden plate.

 ‘…interesting.’

 Cinder would file that away for later.

Right now they needed to find out if this…ghost town was a good enough shelter for the night.

Tugging lightly on Neo’s hand she got them moving again, her eye always trailing back to the burnt out main building at the center.

 What could have happened here?

…and more importantly, when?

 The dark haired girl had the distinct feeling that the fire wasn’t what drove all these farmers out of their homes.

There was this…soft tingling along her spine…something that felt awfully familiar for some reason.

But maybe she was just getting paranoid.

 In the end she let Neo pick the house they would be staying in.

Her complaints about Cinder’s inability to choose comfy shelters, as she put it, just got too annoying after a while.

An incredible feat for someone who couldn’t articulate herself at all.

 ‘Let’s see if you can do it better.’

 Neo could be certain, if anything bizarre happened tonight she wouldn’t let her live it down.

 Following the short girl into one of the spacious houses she had the distinct feeling she was being watched, but it disappeared as soon as she turned around, peering through the falling snow.

Nothing…

She really needed to rest her head a bit, or else she would go crazy and hallucinate apparently.

 Inside the house it was just as eerily silent as outside.

Not that Cinder was afraid of ghosts or anything like that, but something wasn’t right here, she just knew it and Neo seemed to share her opinion in that regard, as they both searched the building for any sign or clue to the whereabouts of the owners.

It was better to be safe than sorry.

And yet…it didn’t feel any more reassuring once they found them…dead in their bedrooms.

 Cinder had seen her fair share of corpses in her life, but the couple laying under the blankets creeped her out. There was this…familiar icy fire inside her, running through her veins the longer she looked at them.

As if…they just fell asleep and died…

The expression on their faces quite like…

 ‘Drowning!’

 Enough!

Turning around hastily, she made her way back downstairs sitting in front of the chimney.

It didn’t take Neo long to follow her.

The dark haired girl bit her lip in frustration when she spotted concern flash through her companion’s eyes.

Muttering a silent curse under her breath she raised her right hand and jumpstarted a fire inside the dusty old fireplace.

Hopefully that would keep the shorter girl distracted from asking too many questions right now.

She didn’t feel too comfortable talking about…that day.

To be honest, she wanted to forget it ever happened.

 The warmth of the flames chased the cold away, causing it to recede back into the depths of her soul, as the tension left her body.

Neo plopped down next to her on the carpet, visibly enjoying the heat radiating from the chimney, peering at her cautiously before giving her a beaming smile.

She held out both her hands, letting them assume some…curious looking shape, while regaining her grin.

Cinder sighed defeated.

 How many times did she have to remind her partner that she couldn’t understand her weird hand talk?

 “Listen, Neo, I don’t…”

 She trailed off, after the short girl motioned for her to turn around and face the wall across from the fireplace.

Perplexed, she followed her instructions…although begrudgingly, and found herself staring at a big shadowy wolf.

 “What the-?”

 Her eye shifted back to Neo, who grinned at her even wider, wiggling her fingers.

Cinder shook her head in disbelief, her tone full of annoyance.

 “Very funny.”

 The short girl looked at her almost innocently, searching for her scroll in her bag.

 /You never played with shadows before?/

 Now Cinder, let’s play a game.

It’s called hide and seek.

 The maiden couldn’t help the cold shudder that ran down her spine.

This definitely wasn’t the time to recall her carefree childhood days.

 “No, playing hasn’t been on my mind for a long time now.”

 Seemingly on instinct, Neo raised her hands again, before realizing it wouldn’t yield any satisfying results.

Staring at her palms in frustration her face fell.

After some deliberation she grabbed her scroll and typed:

 /Would you want to learn it?/, looking at her expectantly.

 ‘…huh?’

 Cinder felt heat rushing to her face.

Did she look like a child who wanted to fool around?

 “…what of my last sentence implied that I want to learn your shadow game?”

 The short girl rolled her eyes.

 /Not that, sign language./

 ‘Oh!’

 To be honest…Cinder had already contemplated taking up that strange language. Not only would it make communicating with Neo easier, but also give them an advantage for sneaking around…their enemies she supposed…or maybe the townsfolk they would come across soon.

 “Yes…I suppose that could become useful.”

 The short girl’s expression lit up. Apparently the prospect of teaching her this concept of communication delighted her to no end.

Sighing softly, the maiden crossed her legs on the carpet and tried to replicate one of the strange motions she had seen Neo do before with her right hand, eliciting a few silent giggles from her companion.

 /It’s easier if you use both hands./

 Reaching forward, she corrected Cinder’s sign, one of her hands grasping the maiden’s left one…before she pulled it back immediately with an uncomfortable look on her face. The dark haired girl cocked her head to the side questioningly before her eye settled on her left arm.

 ‘…oh…’

 Right, her grimm arm.

Of course Neo wouldn’t be comfortable to touch it.

 You turned yourself into a monster just for power.

 Cinder gritted her teeth.

Why did this lowlife bandit’s words still bother her so much?

She was accepting of who she was.

That’s why she had even chosen this outfit.

To make a statement!

Her arm was a part of her and she was not ashamed to show it off.

 She stood up, gazing at the warm fireplace with something akin to longing, before addressing her companion, her voice calm despite the turmoil she could feel building up inside her.

 “Let’s reschedule our little learning session and call it a day.

One of us needs to recharge her batteries after all if we want to reach the next village tomorrow.”

 She didn’t bother checking on Neo before she left the room and wandered upstairs into one of the more empty ones, making herself a little make shift shelter next to the bed, using all the blankets she had packed in her luggage. There was no way she would lie down on that mattress.

Who knows what had been going on in that community to drive them all out?

 Lying down onto her blankets she stared at the dark ceiling and tried to give her head some needed rest, only the pale moonlight falling through the window illuminating the room.

The shadows dancing in front of her eye reminded her of her first night in Evernight Castle…back when she had been a scared, little girl so in need of a place to call home.

 Can I stay with you for tonight?

 Come here.

There is no need to be scared of the dark, Firefly.

 That’s right…the darkness wasn’t as dangerous as people loved to paint it as.

She felt a pang of sadness wash over her when she recalled the time Salem personally had tucked her in…just like the mother she never had and yet…her affection had always felt…

 ‘Conditional!’

 Cinder knew, as soon as she started to perform under expectations, Salem would withdraw her love, if one wanted to call it that.

Sighing in resignation she couldn’t stop the yawn that escaped her, alerting her once again to how tired she actually was.

The maiden closed her eye.

Thinking about these things wouldn’t result into anything useful.

With that she began to drift away into an uneasy sleep.

  xxxxxxxxxx

  She couldn’t say what woke her up, only that it was cold… no, it was literally freezing!

And yet she couldn’t seem to move.

Cinder’s head felt so heavy, her eyelid too hard to open.

 ‘Wh…what’s…going…on?’

 Even her thoughts were so hard to focus on, so incredibly slow that it took all her efforts to stay in the here and now and not slip away to sleep again.

And why would she when it was so cold?

 That’s when she heard it!

An almost inaudible heavy moan right next to her head that send a cold shudder down her spine.

Fear and shock ripped Cinder from her stupor, forcing her to open her eye and blink through the darkness…

Only to be met with a black skeleton like hand, its sharp nails mere millimeters away from her skin!

 ‘APATHY!’

 With a strangled yelp the maiden blew the grimm away, throwing a blast of unsteady fire in its face, as she scrambled to her feet in a hurry.

Running outside the room she cursed herself.

 Of course this was the work of Apathy grimm.

Why hadn’t she bothered to check the other houses?

She should have known immediately that something wasn’t quite right about this farm’s state.

 ‘Neo!’

 Gods, Neo was still inside this building and if she knew anything about the Apathy it was that they were never acting by themselves.

And that meant the rest of the pack was probably here as well.

At the very least she hadn’t heard the short girl scream-

 ‘Shit!’

 Almost flying down the stairs, she bumped into yet a dozen more Apathy, their eyes glowing ominously in the dark when they seemed to spot her, blocking her way into the next room.

They were simply everywhere.

Standing in her way, hanging on the ceiling, weirdly entwined on the railing, staring her down, while approaching her slowly.

The deep breathy moans made Cinder’s hair stand on end.

She could feel the cold creep up on her once more.

 She couldn’t risk losing her will to fight right now, or else…

 Breathing in deeply, she closed her eye in concentration, before fire burst from it.

The maiden’s powers filled her with enough warmth to keep the cold at bay.

Summoning her weapons she tore through the grimm blocking her way downstairs and made a break for it, stumbling into the next room…and froze.

 It was as if she just entered a hellish nightmare.

The whole room was crawling with Apathy grimm!

A grotesque blackish void with demonic crimson eyes that tried to bore into her very soul and right in the center of the nest…laid Neo!

 ‘No!’

 The short girl seemed physically unharmed, nevertheless, the blank stare she gave the ceiling told Cinder exactly in how much danger her companion was in.

She needed to get her out of there, but…she couldn’t seem to move forward.

To the contrary, she felt herself backing away, only to find the exit behind her now blocked as well.

Her body felt so incredibly heavy, there was no way she was able to raise her weapons.

 ‘STOP!’

 All of a sudden the pressure in her body receded slightly, allowing the maiden to think more clearly, just as one of the Apathy moved towards her almost tauntingly.

 (Stay down, girl!

The Master wants you unharmed.)

 Cinder’s eye widened.

Had she been able to get through to them?

Connecting with grimm was always so…demanding.

A language of weird pictures and emotions that somehow translated into words for her once she succeeded finding the small right link to them.

That wasn’t to say that she had a lot of experience at how to control grimm.

 You must make it dread you!

 Cold sweat trickled down her brow, as she concentrated as hard as she could to make the Apathy cover to her will.

 ‘Let me through!’

 (No.

You are favored by the Master, however SHE is not.

That one is ours!)

 It was almost ridiculous how easily the voices made their rebuttal, causing Cinder’s head to spin.

Frantically she tried to think, to come up with an idea how to salvage this.

She couldn’t just leave Neo!

 […why not?]

 Because…

No, that was right.

She was able to escape.

The Apathy told her as much. They only wanted the short girl, she was free to go.

…but go where?

 [Home!]

 Yes, home…back to Salem…to get the power she was promised…maybe even to learn to control her new one…

It would be so easy…

She even missed her…

 …

 ‘To hell with it!’

 With an unexpected surge of strength, the maiden spun her weapons around, using her maiden powers to create a whirlwind to keep the Apathy in the room at a distance from her as she sprinted to the middle of the room, trying to rouse the apathetic girl on the ground.

 “NEO! GET UP!

WE HAVE TO GO!”

 The yell seemed to startle the short girl out of her stupor, blinking around almost disoriented, before horror washed over her face once the memories of what must have happened before came back.

Cinder didn’t have time for Neo to regain her marbles again and dragged her onto her feet.

Gripping her companion with her right hand, she threw multiple flaming daggers at the surprised Apathy still blocking the exit, before she balled her grimm arm into a fist, blasting through them along with the entrance door.

 In hindsight maybe staying in the house would have been preferable.

 The maiden had heavily underestimated the Apathy grimm…namely their numbers.

There were so many of them, cowering and weirdly perching and prancing around the rest of the farms. It was hard to even make out the white snow underneath their black, long, inhumanly feet when they slowly circled around them.

 Panicked Cinder looked around.

There had to be a way out of this!

 But more and more Apathy wavered out of the main building, joining the others around them.

 Pulling Neo behind her instinctively, she summoned her weapon again, her grip tightening around the handle when she pointed it at the grimm with her left hand.

 [Yield, Cinder!]

 The maiden automatically straightened her back.

That voice…

 Her eye widened in disbelief.

No, that couldn’t be…and yet her left arm began to twitch subtly, as if trying to head the command she had been given.

Neo pressed herself against Cinder’s back, her hands covering her ears.

This time the dark haired girl didn’t have the urge to shove her companion away.

Her wound only a faint burning of the past.

The short girl wouldn’t try to kill her again and…somehow…Cinder didn’t want to save herself if it meant losing her.

 ‘I…’

 Can’t?

Shouldn’t?

Mustn’t?

 ‘I won’t!’

 For a split second there was silence.

 Then the Apathy screamed and Cinder lost the ground under her feet, her face meeting the cold, but soft snow.

She was dimly aware that Neo had fallen behind her as well, but…she didn’t care anymore.

What even was the use in fighting?

What did it matter if she was brought home again?

She was just so tired…

Her head felt so heavy…

 As her eye finally closed she was calm.

This was totally alright.

Just like it should be.

…

 What’s the matter, Cinderella?

 ‘…leave me alone…’

 Your daddy can’t save you anymore.

 ‘…stop it.’

 Neither can he.

 ‘That’s not true!’

 Just give it up already. You will never escape me.

 ‘Forget it!’

 An icy fire erupted inside her, sweeping away the numbness in its wake.

People always wanted to control her!

Wanted to hurt her!

Wanted to force her!

Opening her eye she felt her view shift, her field of vision tinting in a bright gold tone, as the Apathy screamed again.

Nothing…

A cruel smirk spread over Cinder’s face, raw power bubbling right underneath her skin, begging to be freed…

And she was so done with listening.

Obeying.

Bowing down.

 The maiden rose slowly to her feet, making her way to the Apathy.

 (Why do you struggle so much, child?

When the outcome is always going to be the same.)

 She didn’t bother to answer it. Instead she raised her hand…and the Apathy evaporated, leaving only black ashes behind.

 ‘So easy.’

 Why had she ever been afraid to use this marvelous power?

 The ashes swirling through the air began to glow in a golden hue, flowing to Cinder’s still outstretched hand, getting absorbed as soon as they touched her skin.

A wave of euphoria washed over the maiden, making her head spin from the increase of her energy, as it spiked to yet a higher level.

 This was…

 ‘Astonishing.’

 [There is more where that came from.]

 Oh right.

Lifting her head she mustered the hundreds of Apathy with something akin to hunger, before feeling herself rise from the ground.

Fire mingling with the cold gold, as she raised both of her arms to the side, a storm raging inside her, spreading outwards.

Just like that the Apathy scattered one after another, black ashes circling around her, growing more potent with each grimm’s demise until they swelled on and practically swallowed her whole.

 Cinder couldn’t see anymore.

Some…unidentifiable noises reached her ear, but she paid it no mind.

It didn’t matter.

Only the steady flowing source of power did.

It felt so…

Exciting!

Exhilarating!

 ‘…overwhelming?’

 Her head spun even more.

This…was too much, wasn’t it?

It felt as if something would rip her apart from the inside!

What…how was she supposed to handle so much power?

 [I will teach you.]

 ‘…you…will…?’

 [Yes…but for that you need to come home, Cinder.]

 ‘…I...’

 Cinder couldn’t concentrate anymore.

She felt like she was going to explode.

 [Now, unleash your power!

Show the world your true potential!]

 Of course.

The dark haired girl was the eye of the storm.

It was time to let it run rampage.

Everything finally fell into place…until something…warm enveloped her.

 ‘Wha…?’

 Puzzled she lowered her gaze and saw a pair of hands hugging her midsection tightly.

Her head cleared a bit.

That’s right, she had been traveling with…someone and…

 [Cinder, focus!]

 But…

 ‘I don’t want to.’

 The maiden felt some of that unbearable power ebb away, as the person behind her slowly reached for her hands, tugging them down softly and the storm abruptly stopped as if it never happened in the first place.

 Cinder blinked through the now peaceful night, only the pale moon shining down on them, revealing the horrors the storm had left on the farms.

Sinking to her knees in disbelief, she stared at her hands with a sick feeling inside her gut.

 She had caused this…but…

 ‘Not of my own volition.’

 Salem had been able to…entrance her two times!

That realization was more than she could currently bear.

 With a strangled shriek she couldn’t help but break down in tears.

There was no control.

It had all been a lie…an illusion.

Salem was inside her head.

No one could run from her…and now she knew why.

 The short girl dropped next to her, dried tear streaks under her eyes and cheeks, obviously just as shaken by the events as Cinder and entwined their hands…both of them.

She gently squeezed her left one, her thumb running over the black knuckles soothingly, giving her a sad smile, as she wrote into the snow:

 /I’m sorry this happened to you./

 No, that wasn’t right…

 ‘I’m the one who should…’

 “Neo…”, Cinder’s voice sounded strangled and hoarse even to her own ears,

“I’m…”

 ‘I’m sorry!’

 This whole mess was her fault and yet she couldn’t seem to apologize.

Nevertheless, Neo’s words filled her with something warm…something she couldn’t quite describe.

 The short girl’s eyes softened, a teasing grin stretching over her face, as she tried to help both of them recover from the ordeal they just had.

 /I promise, I’ll never complain about your camping spots again./

 ‘Ridiculous.’

 Not that it hindered the maiden’s lips to twitch upwards.

This girl was just so unbelievable.

 Leaning forward she let her head rest against Neo’s shoulder.

 “Thank you.”

 AN: Hello again ^^

I know it’s a bit late, but I had quite a rough few weeks.

That being said, I will continue this to the very end.

Also for the ones reading Shattered Destiny, I will update very soon.

Enjoy ^^

#rwby #cinder fall #neo rwby #spicecreamweek #comfort/hugs #fanfiction #chapter 3 #hopefully it's finally in the tags again #angst ^^

[parti-pooper]

Would kyman adopt? What would they be like as parents?

Yes, in my mind, they would. I think Kyle would get to an age where he’d just kill for a kid. He’s always loved taking care of others (e.g., Ike, Blanket, Eric fucking Cartman himself) and I feel like he loves the concept of family and all that which it entails: supporting, sharing, sacrificing, and so on. So Kyle would definitely be the first one to suggest adaption. Probably after meeting his god children, Stan’s kids, and holding them in his arms for the first time. After that, something in him would just click, and he’d get really broody. He’d fall into daydreams all the time, while watching kids walking with their parents down the street or parents playing together with their children in the park, and he’d just be smiling so serenely; yet, so sadly. Soon, just watching wouldn’t be good enough. He’d simply have to ask his husband.

Cartman would not be so inclined, I don’t think. He wouldn’t look at children the same way as Kyle, instead seeing them as loud, sticky, whiny brats. That would not be the main reason for his objection, though. It would be something deeper.

By this point, Cartman will have become well aware of all of his mental illnesses and psychological issues, thanks to lots of maturation and therapy sessions. He now knows that he wasn’t your average, adjusted child. He knows that he had a fucked-up parentage, thanks to his dad being absent and his mom being naive, codependent, and incompetent. He knows that he probably doesn’t know what a normal childhood is supposed to be. So when Kyle - the one true love of his life, the person he wants to have all the happiness in the world, the person he wants to give everything to - says he wants a child with him, Cartman would be nothing short of a panic attack.

“I cannot give him this,” he worries. “What kind of a partner am I, if I cannot give him this?” This, so simple, and so complicated, thing is the easiest, hardest gift to give. “And why give it to him at all,” he wonders, “if I will only take it away from him in the end?” Because everything that he touches, turns to ruin. Because he is sick, and wrong, and undeserving. Because how can he protect his child from the world, when he is still so scared of himself? He will only ruin their child, spoil it, break it. And then Kyle will hate him.

He thinks, “If I did not have a normal childhood, how can I give one to our child?” He thinks, “If I did not have a dad, how can I be one to our child?” He thinks, “If I do not give Kyle this, do I even deserve him?”

“You do,” Kyle reassures when his husband, breathless and tearful, tells him all of this. “You can. You will.” He reminds Cartman that he is no longer the child he once was. He reminds him that he is broken, yes, but he is healing. He reminds him that he has always been there with him, no matter what he has ruined, and that he always will. He reminds him of how good he is with Stan’s kids. How he makes them laugh when he throws them into the air, but how he always catches them before they fall, always. He reminds him of loving he is with Kyle himself. How he can make him feel so warm and happy and right, but how he can still call him out on his crap before he can hurt himself or anyone else with it. Yes, he says, there will be hardships, and he will doubtless make mistakes. But Kyle will never hate him, even when he makes the wrong call one day (or every day), and he will help him through those hard times. And he knows Cartman will help him through it, too. Because he is good enough. He is strong enough. He is enough.

“You are enough,” Kyle promises, “so it’s okay to say no. I will always love you, no matter what. So if you don’t want this, then I won’t ask for it again. But don’t you dare think for a minute that you can’t give it, Eric Cartman. You are the most argumentative, arrogant, pig-headed person I have ever met. And that’s exactly why I married you. Because you are feisty, and determined, and ambitious. And I know you can do anything you put your mind to. I know you can stand by my side and rise to any challenge that comes our way. I know you can give me the strength and the drive to carry on. And I know I can give you the same. I believe in us. I believe in you.”

…After thinking it over for a month or so, Cartman finally says yes. Kyle’s always been too good at his gay speeches.

Kyle, of course, hugs him and kisses him and bounces around him like a puppy on caffeine. “Really?! Are you sure?! You really want to?!” Yes, Cartman says, because he can never be unsure when he sees Kyle as happy as that. How can it be wrong, if it makes Kyle’s eyes light up like that, makes him smile like that?

A few more months and a lot of paperwork later, the two finally have their baby.

Cartman likes to joke with the guys that they finally got all that sand out of Kyle’s vagina and, wouldn’t you know it, the baby popped out after! He avoids being smacked upside the head for that comment purely because Kyle’s hands are too full of the baby he’s always holding now. He bundles it everywhere with him, and he’s in a constant good mood for the first two weeks. Until having to wake up at 3am every night to make a bottle for a baby banshee starts getting to him, that is. Then he gets cranky again and snaps at Cartman just for breathing too loud. (And, honestly, Cartman’s pretty relieved about it. He didn’t know how to handle a Kyle that was just that freakishly happy all the time. He’s much happier himself with the grumpy Kyle he knows and loves.)

Cartman takes a while to warm to the baby. Despite Kyle’s inspiring pep-talk he tries to remember, he’s still wary about damaging their precious child. He hates having to hold it. He’s terrified. So much so that if the baby is crying, and he is right there, he will still call for Kyle, who is upstairs or in the next room or out in the back yard, and tell him to come get it. He will only hold the baby when Kyle passes it to him and he has no escape or excuse to refuse. Little does he know, though, that Kyle knows this. And that’s exactly why he keeps pushing the child onto Cartman. His plan works, as Cartman slowly starts to realise that the world doesn’t end when he holds his child. Nothing happens (except maybe he gets a little drooled on). Eventually, Cartman starts picking up their child all on his own. Now when Kyle needs to get up and go somewhere, instead of being forced to ask his husband, “Can you take the baby for a second?”, Cartman will hold his hands out before Kyle has even had to open his mouth and say, “Give ‘em here, I’ll take ‘em.”

Cartman continues to gain confidence like this, usually with some subtle pushes from Kyle, and soon he is able to enjoy the time with their child to the fullest. He wants to play with them all the time. He wants to sing to them. He wants to take them out and put them on his shoulders and show them the world. Suddenly, he can’t wait to be the dad he never had. He wants to play catch on Sundays, and accidentally break their neighbour’s window. He wants to go to every sports day and every talent contest, and be that obnoxious, embarrassing dad who won’t shut the fuck up and stop cheering them on. He wants to teach them to ride their first bike, and make them smile again after they have their first fall. (Kyle has to remind him that their child is still a baby who can’t even walk yet so it is going be a while before he can do any of this.)

As Kyle thought he would be, Cartman is an enthusiastic, creative father. He will dress us as Santa Claus for their child on Christmas Eve (and Kyle will have to call out the fire department when his fat ass gets stuck trying to actually come down their chimney). He will dress up as the Tooth Fairy when their child loses their first tooth (and Kyle will remember their childhood scam and laugh). And when their child is going through a phase where they’re obsessed with being an astronaut, he will hire a rocket from the Mexican Space Program on his child’s birthday to take them to space (and Kyle will call up later and cancel that rocket because there is a limit, Cartman!). Under his regulations, it’s cookies for dinner and ice-cream for dessert, pillow forts and fights all day, and a household ban on bedtimes. (Until Kyle steps in and shakes his head at him, that is. Then Cartman will grow up a bit, help him to make sure the kid does their homework before the next day of school, and help him to get the kid to bed at nineteen hundred hours on the dot… but will maybe still sneak them an extra cookie after dinner.)

Kyle is the similarly devoted yet more grounded dad who is determined to make sure their child actually makes it to eighteen alive, without a prison record, tooth decay, or a bad report card. This means he can be scary, though. He has been known to emit an unholy screech akin to that of his mother before him whenever disobeyed, and by god, he will ground his husband right along with his child if he has to. He gets flustered and uncertain when Cartman points out how much this makes him like Sheila, because he never wants to be so over-bearing. Cartman will reassure him, though, that he’s doing just fine. Because even though Kyle so badly wanted this, Cartman is not the only one who is fucking petrified by parent-hood. Kyle gets worried, too. He’s neurotic by nature. It’s lucky for him Cartman, persuasive as ever, can always talk some sense and fight back into him, though. And Kyle is happy to let loose and have fun sometimes, too. He’ll give the kid his passion for learning about the world (“Nerd!” mocks Cartman, and is hit by Kyle) and for playing competitive sports (“Jock!” jeers Cartman, and is hit once again).

With such powerful and chaotic forces of nature as parents, the child doubtless grows up to be just as formidable, as unyielding and ingenious as their fathers. Despite this strength of character, though, Kyle and Cartman will always see the child as their baby first and foremost, and protect it fiercely. Catch them rocking up to parent-teacher meetings and bringing an absolute storm down upon the poor, unfortunate teacher who dares to suggest that their child is anything less than a gifted intellect, a delightful personality, and, most importantly, downright adorable. They are very smitten fathers. Probably because their child is just as much of a gifted manipulator as the both of them. That’s not to say they aren’t a good kid, though. Kyle and Cartman raise them to be smart, astute, confident, outspoken, and driven, and to always fight for the things and people who matter to them. As parents, they are fair when they can be, but firm when they must be. And, most important, they love their child, and each other, their whole lives long.

#south park #kyman #sp kyman #eric cartman #kyle broflovski #thanks anon! <3 #wow this got fucking wordy #i'm sorry for the essay #i was writing a fic about this subject so i guess all the hundreds of thoughts from that just flowed into this... #anyway the TL;DR answer is: yes and kind of crazy #adorable asshole #ass-kicker