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jadetheblade4 · 16 days

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Are They Stupid?

A Dog Man Fanfic by Swirly Twirly

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Summary: Petey escapes Cat Jail, but the local guard that checks up on him is the one on his tail!! Will the shennanigans ever cease... (Takes place somewhere before A Tale Of Two Kitties) (Not a ship thing sorry weirdos but this gal wants to write for the silly of it ^_^)

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Part 1:

It was yet another normal day at Cat Jail, Collardale. The guard was doing his normal everyday rounds, albeit with a positive demeanor. He had been having a great day so far, thinking that nothing much could ruin it. He went to Petey's cell with a skip in his step.

"Gooooooood morning, Petey!" proclaimed the Guard, banging onto the cold metal bars of the cell. Petey, startled by this sudden noise, lifted his head up from his piles of papers and blueprints of escape. His face contorted into an annoyed glance once he saw who it was, his ears turned downward in disinterest.

"Aaaaaand goodbye to you, Guard..." Petey retorts, waving him off and continuing to work on his plans.

The guard chuckled. "Aw, cheer up, buddy! Big Jim and a bunch of other cats are planning on taking a sewing class today. You should join them!"

"Don't call me buddy! Besides, why would I want to be with any of those nut jobs? They're all stupid goofballs that don't have anything better to do with their life!" Petey took great offense in that chuckle, even slightly hissing his words to subconciously tell him to back off.

The guard tilts his head slightly, frowning a bit. "Then...what are you doing with your time?" he questioned, leaning onto the bars of Petey's cell.

Petey's sneer immediately dissapears the moment he realizes how suspicious he looks. "I- um...Well..." he stutters, trying to find something to pass off as an excuse. Suddenly, his ears perk up, a quick idea passing through his genius mind.

He picked up a piece of paper that was a shopping list of some sort but for evil machinery. The contents didn't matter, though. He turned it over and quickly doodled a crude-looking drawing of the guard and himself holding hands, trying to make it as nice as possible with his ratty artstyle.

"Well, for your information... I'm...drawing a picture!! Of us!! Hanging out or whatever, just come see it!" proclaimed the orange cat, waving the drawing above his head.

The guard's face lights up in glee. "Really, Petey? You drew a picture for me??" he squealed in excitement. He never would've thought that Petey would do something nice for him for a change!

Petey nods convincingly. "Uh huh, just open the cell door and come inside to see it!!"

Unlocking the door to petey's cell, the guard steps inside gleefully. "What does it look like? Oh, I hope you capture my likeness onto it!!"

"Yeah, yeah, here ya go, I made it with care and whatnot, blah blah blah sappy stuff..." Petey shoves the drawing onto the guard, who happily accepted it. The guard's eyes go wide as he scans the picture. A huge grin spreads across his face. "Aw, Petey, I love it!!! It looks so nice!!! C'mere you!!" He goes over to him and pulls him into a tight and loving hug.

"Oof!" Petey's breath slips out of him as he's trapped in the guard's iron grip. "Ok, man, hands off the merchandise!!" He squirms, trying to get away, but the guy has no plans of letting him go at the moment.

"This is the most thoughtful gift i have ever recieved in my whole entire life!!!! the guard proclaimed, continuing to cuddle him more. He comically spins him around and even kisses his cheek a couple of times, the gift really meaning a lot to him somehow.

"EUGH!! Alright ALRIGHT I GET IT I'm such a great pal now GET OFF!!!" Petey wriggled around his grasp until he popped off. He let out a "hmph!" as he tidied himself up from his sudden invasion of privacy. The guard jumped off to the side, a bit hurt by Petey's sudden cold nature. The orange cat notices his sudden deflate and feels a certain pull in his heart. "I mean, uh, no problem... figured I'd repay you for dealing with my, uh, schemes and stuff..." Petey stuttered, shifting his feet.

The guard's face lights back up again as he looks back at the picture. "Aww, it's nothing, Petey!! Just doing my duty!!" he said. Petey let out a smile, strangely happy about his half-assed drawing. He then shakes his head and tries to focus on the task at hand.

"I was thinking about hanging it up over there on the right side corner of my cell, can ya be a dear and put it there for me?" he bats his eyes innocently and points to said corner. The guard happily agreed. "Of course, dear pal!" He gives him one final hug and rushes to the wall to hang it up.

With a devious smile on his face, he tiptoes out of the cell. "Heheh, what a doofus..." the cat giggled. A few moments later, he escapes from the jail once more. "Ahh, finally! I can get back to doing what i usually do..." He walks back to his lab and breathes a sigh of relief. "The life...OF CRIME!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!!" he announces. The large building echoed his words, alerting the butler from the staircase.

"Heya Petey! Been a while since I've seen you around!!" he quickly steps down and joins him as Petey parades around his home. "Breaking out this time was a bit difficult," Petey went on, "but now things can finally get back on tra-"

A tv at the corner of the supposed room they're in suddenly announces its lovely presence by blaring breaking news from its LD screen. Petey and Butler turn their attention to the tv. It shows none other than Sarah Hatoff, greatest reporter, in front of the very Cat Jail Petey just escaped from moments ago.

"BREAKING NEWS, FELLOW CITIZENS OF COLLARDALE!!!" Sarah declared. "We are currently receiving reports of a runaway warden of sorts from the Cat Jail looking for a certain fiendish feline...PETEY!!!" A mugshot of his face is shown on the screen right next to a goofy-looking photo of the guard, to which Petey frowns upon. "He informs us that if we see the cat anywhere to report to him...and...only him." Sarah scratched her head in confusion. "Huh. Guess the police aren't needed. This is Sarah Hatoff, signing out."

The butler turned to Petey. "Huh, I guess you don't need to, after all!" he said with a dumbass smile on his face. Petey grimaces and pinches the middle of his forehead in frustration. "AAUGH....Why is there always SOMETHING to ruin the mood..." he groaned, marching up the steps to the lab's roof with the butler following right behind.

Up above, Petey and the butler scan their surroundings. The day-to-day hustle and bustle of the city rings out from below, showing no sign of anything unusual. The butler tilts his head. "Nobody here yet..." he muttered.

The orange cat crossed his shoulders and shook his head. "...Hmph! What am I even worried about anyways?!?" He laughed at how absurd he was acting at the moment to save face as he started walking back towards the stairs. "This lab is one of the most discrete and perfectly hidden buildings in all of the city of Collardale! It'll take a while before-"

A loud buzz-like sound suddenly calls out and the pair jumped in suprise. Petey rushed back and leaned over the roof once more to see a tiny guard waiting patiently at the door, pressing the goddamn buzzer.

"HOW DID HE FIND MY LAB!?!" Petey screamed. He quickly covered his mouth and dragged Butler down to the ground before Guard could see up above. He grabbed his butler by the shirt and whispered, "How did he find my lab?!?!?!"

The butler shrugged. "Gee, Petey, I don't have a clue how the guy could think of coming here."

"Hmm...strange." Petey let him go and scratched his head. He peered over the roof to look at his big fat-ass "PETEY'S SECRET LAB" sign. "Oh, by the way, I think you need to change a few of the lightbulbs on my lab's sign this weekend. A few of them are starting to fade out."

The butler rolled his eyes and sighed. "I'll buy lightbulbs later this evening, I guess..." he muttered again, peering over and looking at the sign with him.

Petey raised his eyebrow. "Also, quit muttering and mumbling so much, it's starting to irritate me >:( ."

The guard pressed the buzzer again. His hand contained a small piece of paper. "Helloooo?" he called out. "I'm an authority from the local Cat Jail! Is anyone home?" He looked up at the tall building, to which Petey noticed just in time and ducked. Unfortunately, the butler ducked a bit too late, therefore leading the guard to only catch sight of him and not Petey.

"Oh, hey there! I just wanted to ask a couple of questions, if ya don't mind!!" he shouted from below to up above. The butler pops out again and gives a thumbs up, then goes down again.

Petey facepalms himself and groans annoyingly. He then faces the butler, who smiled sheepishly.

"You better not tell him im here. In fact, make him regret coming here in the first place!! I don't wanna be involved with the guy any further!!" he yelled, grudgingly going downstairs.

The butler shifted uneasily in place. "Uh, sure, Petey... I'll see what I can do, I guess..." he mumbled once more as he followed the grumpy cat.

#jadetheblade #jade post #jade fanfic #dog man #writing #dogman #fiction #dav pilkey #petey the cat #guard dog man #dog man guard #fanfic #fanfiction #crack fic #dont really know all the details myself so ill leave those tags for now i was born yesterday 💔#jade art

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popculturebuffet · 7 months

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Mutant Month: The 2021 Hellfire Gala: The X-Men Conquer Mars: Comissioned by WeirdKev27

Hello all you happy mutants and welcome to our big finale to Mutant Month! Over this month we've taken a look at the X-Men's first apperance in animation, one of their greatest stories ever and the debut of one of the greatest x-men period, so it's only fit to end this monumental mutanty month with some fireworks: We're taking a look at the first annual Hellfire Gala, aka one of the x-men stories I brought up the most for some time: that time the x-men colonized mars, now known as planet Arakko.

For those of you who like Kev, who comissioned this, stopped for a second from scrolling and went

Allow me to present you with the grand tale of how Mutantkind terraformed an entire planet as a one two punch of solving a massive looming diplomatic crisis... and using it as the big main event of their version of the met gala. Your invitation is on the table, so take it with me, get your flowers pinned on so you can go through the gate, and join the party under the cut. Afterparty on Arakko bitches.

Well, How Did We Get Here?

So to get to the Hellfire Gala I have to get into the krakoan era of x-men, an era tha'ts reaching it's twilight but is still ongoing and has been one of my favorites in comics.

This era of X-History comes after a fairly bleak time in x-men comics: See in the mid 2010's, Marvel tried outright dismantling the x-men. Since the MCU didn't have the rights to them, Marvel was trying hard to not give Fox any more ammo, forgetting they still got mech money out of the x-men existing. They also just outright canceled fantastic four. Because who needs the founding family of the marvel universe if we can't merch the hell out of them amirite?

So despite the X-Men having JUST WARDED OFF EXTINCTION a few years ago, post secret wars they decided to push the Inhumans , anothe rgroup of superpowered beings they'd already set up clevery and uniquely as their own thing last era without stepping on the x-men's toes, as the new x-men and to shoe out the old.

What followed.. is one of the dumbest things i've seen in all of comics. So to push the Inhumans.. they decided the best way was to make the cloud of terrigen mist that created new inhumans... TOXIC TO MUTANTS. So that the Inhumans were casually allowing a toxic murder cloud to kill tons of people.. just to keep more of them existing.

I.. cannot find the words for how tonedeaf, short sighted and just plain moronic this was. You can't just.. kill one group to make another group popular. Queen didn't consume the beating hearts of all four beetles to become awesome. They just were. And the inhumans books.. were GOOD. Charles Soule was doing an utterly fantastic job on them and continued to for the entire run. You didn't need this shit. Instead it sunk the inhumans so that the followup, Royal, by one of my favorite writers in all of comics Al Ewing, got cut short and the inhumans were then mostly killed and those left put into exile. Except Lockjaw. Everyone loves a giant teleporting dog monster. He could stay.

Afterwords while Disney didn't have the rights back YET, Marvel realized they couldn't just magically flimflam fans and tried a half hearted attempt at boosting the x-men: They returned to sorta prominence.. but the new runs weren't given a huge push in the marvel universe as whole. We got the underrated classics X-Men Blue and Iceman, the former finishing up Cullen Bunn's awesome magneto trilogy and the latter redefining Bobby now he was an out and proud gay man, but the other flagship book at the time, yes there were two, x-men gold had a great status quo (Kitty Pryde as Xavier's School headmistress and x-men leader, and the institute now being located in central park), but was given to Mark Guggenhiem instead of a more compitent hand, resulting in a series long rehash of better stories... and one actually GOOD story mixed in.

It was clear while Marvel was willing to use the x-men again, they needed to actually use their whole ass. Enter Jonathan Hickman. For those not familiar with him

Jonathan Hickman is one of the best writer's in comics, and has had storied runs on all three of Marvel's biggest teams, all having a major impact and all really dang good, with a knack for longterm plotting, high sci fi concepts and quotable as hell lines and arc phrases. Hickman left marvel after Secret Wars 2015, his grand finale to his avengers run and intended as an end to his time at marvel so he could move on to new horizons, planning to give the compettition a ring. And while sadly that meant we didn't get what would've been likely THE definitive teen titans run, though i'm sure we'll get it some day as DC would be nuts not to let him do it, Marvel simply had an offer too tempting for him to pass up: Run the X-Men.

Something I never knew before his interviews for this era.. is that while Jonathan Hickman liked marvel... he never really read most of their comics before his runs. When he did Fantastic Four and Avengers, he studied heavily. Granted it shows how good a writer he is that it dosen't show and he clearly gained an apprceation for both. It's also a NEEDED reminder for comic book writers: YOU CAN JUST RESEARCH SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW. I know it sounds obvious but plenty of writers , Brian Micheal Bendis in paticular, don't seem to understand that.

For X-Men though, they were his intro into comics, the books he picked up as a kid. The playset he always wanted but during his first run at marvel the timing just never synched up. So Hickman gathered a crack team of writers and took an approach I feel most lines in comics should follow: he set up a writer's room, allowing the writers of all the books to bounce ideas off each other, which made the books better, and approach that's stuck even after he left and will hopefully.

The results of all this hard work? House of X and Powers of X, a set of two interconnected mini series that serve as essentially one big mini series setting up a brave new world for mutantkind. Hickman used the various attempted genocides on the x-men as a backdrop, including the m-pox, and another one that took place in the crappy uncanny x-men run between series that i'll no doubt have inflicted on me one day. And more importantly the fact that Mankind and most other heroes had done the bare minimum to help if that.

So the X-Men decided to once again start their own country. Except unlike previous attempts, they made an effort to become a global power, to play the game of nations. In this case they created plants that helped stave off diseases like althimerz, and leveraged them in exchange for acceptance a nation. Xavier had given up on his dream and instead had a new one: suing for peace.

If that sounds divisive.. that was the intent. That you get why the x-men are doing this, but also see that this has a real danger of them loosing their way and making shadier decisions... not helped by them offering amnesty to ALL mutants including past foes. Exploring the complexities of this is what makes this era so fantastic: the x-men are hoarding world changing advancments.. but after the world spat on them for so long while good men did nothing half the time, you can't blame them. As Cyclops expertly puts it in the first issue.

And yet many have issues with how dogmatic the ruling body of Krakoa, the quiet council is being, the shady decisions, the backdoor deals. It's a mixed blessing: Mutankind has home, saftey, wants for nothing.. but is the price tag worth it?

They also have one other thing, a secret to the world at this point: Resurrection. For years, in part thanks to seeming non mutant ally revealed to be secret mutant Moria Mactaggert, long story, and her longgame planning, Xavier had worked out a plan to cure death. It was both a way to raise the stakes.. and to just as importantly undo a LOT of crappy shock deaths for mutantkind, to bring back characters who'd been dead for DECADES and no one simply had gotten around to them. Death was over, mutantkind was truly immortal.

The process is also unique, using the five, five mutants working in concert, turning the non viable eggs made by goldballs, now dubbing himself egg, into viable clone bodies using a combination of reality warping from former foe proteus, life giving powers from elixer to make them viable, time from tempus to speed them up, and the boosting powers of Hope, the mutant messiah, to make this all possible.

So as a result, any mutant come back, mutants now had freedom and fancy organic warp gates, and a homeland on Krakoa, a mutant who as once an island that walked like a man but was now the benevloent home of all mutantkind.

So your probably wondering how all this somehow esclated FURTHER. Well that's a lot as the Hellfire Gala is the result of a few ongoing story beats all rolled together in a delicous tortilla.

The first is the gala itself. The Hellfire Club was normally the x-men's foes, a group of rich assholes who used their secret society to try and conquer the world through BUISNESSS! and other persuits. And also often wore bondage gear because Chris Claremont is not shy about his fetishes.

For Krakoa though, they became the Hellfire Trading Company. Emma Frost, teacher, x-man and 100% that bitch, had built up a huge fortune again during the meantime and was convinced by Magneto and Xavier to invest it in the children. It's a consitent thing: While Emma can be cold, has a sarcastic tounge bar none, she's always cared about the future of their species and always been protective of young mutants.

So Emma , in addition to a seat of the table, runs the BUISNESS side of things, and thus the inner circle of the hellfire trading company became the large shipping end for mutantkind. They buy the drugs, they light the fire, they are Humankind's main suplier. While other parts of krakoa focus on the growing of the life saving drugs, Emma's the one who markets and ships it, with two others to help: Kitty Pryde, her former enemy turned close friend who as head of the Marauders, lead a pirate crew of x-men to save mutants trapped in countries who didn't go for Krakoa's deal and do drug shipments, while Sebastian Shaw, king of the assholes and enemy of emmas, was given the job of smuggling. He also tried to Kill kitty suprising no one. And Emma and Kitty responded by beating the piss out of him and leaving him in a wheelchair for a while, suprising even less.

Emma being her usual extra self, decided the best way to show off their power as a nation, their wealth and what they could offer.. was a giant ass party with friend and foe alike invited. So threaded throughout the first year and a half of the marauders was Emma's plans for the Gala, with her having Magneto buy an island to host it on. It's such a character rich thing: buying a whole ass island to throw a giant party that's one part diplomatic work and one part "go fuck yourself racist assholes". It's Emma Frost.

The second part leading to all of this was a myth arc that spread through the first year of the comic. One of Mutantkind's most dreaded foes, Apocalypse.. willingly joined them and was given a sympathetic backstory: turns out his "survivial of the fittiest schtick" was because his wife had to send Krakoa's other half, Arrako, into the gates of hell to save the world, taking their children, his original four horseman, because of course Apocalypse has four horseman have you seen the man? He's not subtle.

So he inacted a plan to bring Arrako back, leading to the event X of Swords, where Arrako, taken by the demons they were fighting the amenth, planned to invade earth. Thankfully they pissed off Saturynyne, omniversal magistreix and registered asshole who turned it into a tournament arc: ten swordsman from each side, winner takes all.

Naturally this contest ran by a manevloent schemer from beyond dimensions and against demons had consequences: one of the mutants on our side, Gorgon, died, Doug Ramsey got married, and yes that was indeed a match, and storm killed the embodiment of death. Normal x-men stuff. I really don't have time to go over it all as it's 22 issues long. Not hyperbole. It's a decent if entirely bloated event.

The climax is what's important: the rules got broke, and while Xavier and Magneto's plan was to do nothing and hope it works out, sacrifcing the mutants they had trapped there, Cyclops and Jean grey said

Especially since their son Cable, a cool teen at the time, was in danger. So Cyclops gathered every mutant he could... aka PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE ON KRAKOA NOT ON THE QUIET COUNCIL to storm the gates, leading to an epic battle, and the freeing of Apocalpyse's wife genisis and his remaning kids. Apocalypse decided to have a family road trip across amenth as part of the deal, but in trade the x-men got Arakko back.

The problem was.. Arakko had just spent the last centuries fighting demons and living to eat, murder and conquest. So while Krakoa doubling size was a good thing on paper, as was the new mutants added, in practice it set off a massive political powder keg, with the Arakko mutants gleefully ransacking nearbye areas and refusing to not conquer. While the x-men were fine to inheret the earth once humanity burned itself out, the Arakko didn't want to wait. They needed somewhere to go.

So that dear friends and readers brings us to the gala itself a massive crossover event.. but a unique one. Every issue of every x-book intersected wtih the party of the summer, but only the four we're covering today were the big takeaway points. It was a fun crossover too, a way for all the books to intersect, while leaving the core trim enough to let someone just wanting the big takeaways to only have to pick up 4 books that month. I MIGHT do the rest another day but honestly besides saving kev a lot of money.. it just made more sense to just do the core storyline, to do the part you all came here for, and maybe do the other issues some other day. Thankfully future gala's are much smaller for next year and beyond.

So let's mosey on over shall we as the festivties begin.

Mauraders #24: The party kicks off naturally with Mauraders, the Hellfirecentric book. We open with Kitty, Sebastian and Emma all awaiting the guests. Emma is wearing one of three outfits she has for the night and all of mutantkind is wearing their finest.

Okay Kitty's wearing her finest, emma just has a giant cur cape with an x cut out, because her brand and what not, and a giant head piece that says NOTICE HOW RICH I AM, and Sebstian Shaw is dressed as some sort of war grandpa, wearing a suit LESS fancy than what he usually wears, but weirldy bedecked in tassles, with a fur cape and supervillian eyepatch. I mean the last part's on brand for him but all together it's just fucking weird even by the standards of this gala, held off the coast of two giant monsters.

So as Emma waits security, done by X-Force Krakoa's black ops division, lets in our first guests , fitting them with flowers so they can pass through the krakoan gates for the gala and any afterparties. The Krakoan Gates are giant flowery gates world wide that allow mutantkind to pass through them.. except kitty pryde due to how her powers work: since she goes THROUGH barriers, the thing kinda futzes out with her.

Our inaugral guests are naturally earth's mighteiest heroes, the avengers, consiting at the time of the Captain America (Steve Rogers), Iron Man (Tony Stark), Captain Marvel (Carol Danvers), Thor (Odinson), She Hulk, Ghost Rider (Robbie Reyes) and Blade. yes THAT blade. It's honestly a good roster I liked a lot, bringing things back to the classics while adding a few weird touches like Blade and Robbie. The run itself.. was hit and miss, paticuarlly having She Hulk as a regular hulk instead of her usual self, despite the previous run of her solo having finally gotten her out of that state.. for no clear reason really. It was just bad. Thankfully those dark times are over and the tv show's only made sure that won't be happening again. Tony flies in on his own, not trusting the tech and you know.. being kind of an asshole he has to make a bit "NOTICE ME EVERYONE" entrance. Also boarding are the world's greatest heroes, the Fantastic Four, along with their children Franklin and Valerea and The Thing's wife Alicia Masters. Things are a bit rockier between these groups so gather up people as it's time for EVEN MORE EXPOSITION

So since his introduction Franklin had been a mutant.. and since he and the team as a whole had come back in Dan Slott's run, his power had been shorting out. Krakoa, wanting to both help him and naturally add another powerful mutant to the pile, reached out, and unsuprisingly fighting insured between both sides, Reed Richards pulled a Richards and disabled his son's ablility to use the gates, Franklin ran away, ended up with Doctor Doom, and both sides settled things long enough to stop it. IT's a story I will likely cover some day and ended on a positve note: Franklin would alternate between both the baxter buildling and krakoa, while Xavier, not pleased reed had the kind of tech he did, erased the gate supression tech from his brain and told him to his face he'd done it, to tell reed "never again"

So naturally FF writer Dan Slott's reaction to this promising, engaging new status quo was to say "fuck it" and retcon that franklin just MADE HIMSELF into a mutant with his powers, once they were gone he wasn't one, and Xavier basically told him go the fuck away. It is one of the dumbest, most waasteful, egotistical, selfish moves i've seen in comics, doing this simply because you had to share idaes and plans with someone else. At the time of this writing it hasn't been undone, but I woudln't be suprised if current writer Ryan North or future writers undid this or at the very least found a good angle for it.

For now we do at least get this page.

I assume it was a smart, well thought out intellectual GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU OLD MAN. Also while i'll defend the cerebro helmet, I love the look and while the usual version wht the black jumpsuit is plain, it works for the story that's being told... this version is just.. what Iam I even looking at. The extra uncessary packs on his helmet, the gold and green, and then he has the fucking gall to say that to Franklin. I do like him bonding with Kitty, who the mini established was tight with the kind after the 80's era crossover where a younger frankllin talked a younger kitty out of unaliving herself. Another series to add to the pile.

So the party kicks off with a concert from Rhapsody, a forgotten mutant who sadly died during he one apperance in the first peter David Run of x-factor who can make people see things via music. By linking her up to some telepaths, the conert allows everyone present to participate.. except Doom whose naturally being a mopey pants about things. DOOM IS ALWAYS A MOPEY PANTS FOR HE IS DOOM!

The party then goes into full swing and we get some nice moments. ben, upon seeing a bunch of the marauders and an aim guy playing dice on a boat chastizes them.. for not telling him

While Cap and Doom have a stare down watched by celebrity guests Run the Jewels, two of my faviorite rappers in existance as a duo, Killer Mike and E-LP

Before Cap can close his eyes and count to fuck, Emma steps in to stop them, with Doom incensed at mutantkind for considering themselves superior, pot meet kettle, but we get a rare doom laugh , an da great joke when Emma, insiting the mutants haven't claimed earth..

So the party moves on. We get some specific plot beats for Mauraders itself i'll gloss over, some reunions of old friends as Northstar and Vindicator catch up, and Cap talking to his old aqunatince Henry Peter Gyrinch. For those who haven't heard of this douche... good. But since I brought him up Henry was Marvel Comics token asshole beurcrat: he was first introduced making the avengers job harder, tried to bring them to court over Scarlet Witch wanting to you know, leave, as is her right, was the head of the anti mutant witch hunts of the 80s, has joined several sense, and tried to deport all aliens on earth during Dark Reign. In short no one likes him, he's working with Orchis, the big bads of this era, surprising no one, and everyone everywhere celebrated when he died a few months after this. He's there to compare Krakoa to latveria and call steve an optimist for.. not assuming the Mutants are evil.

We also get one of the greatest scenes in comics as Emma oggles caps and plans to see america's ass up close.. only to read that she reminds him of his mother telepathically, horrifying her. Note that Cap's next solo run.. fully confirms that despite this, she STILL went for it and he was fine with it, his current girlfriend Sharon Carter being fine if he steps out as their apart for months at a time. It's cool. And yes folks, Cap has a mommy kink. And that is awesome.

We then get a nice scene of Emma gathering her staff including Jumbo Carnation, a mutant designer introduced to die during New X-Men and brought back here to do most of the fashions for this event, and Somilier, an expert mutant chef to thank them all.

Cue the fireworks.. which we'll get to shortly, but we see the reactions of everyone: All the bigots in attendence are rattled, as is Doctor Strange, who understandably needs to duck out to figure out what the hell this means, and Tony, who congradulates Cyclops on solving one problem.. but warns him he might of made an even bigger mess. But this being steve rogers he also ends his stern warning on "I just hope you know what you people are doing". He's worreid sure, they just conquered mars and knows what the backlash will be.. but he also is aware they likely know what their doing and as always has faith in the best in people.

Onto X-Men

X-Men #21

While the Hellfire Gala kicked off and continued a lot of exciting bits of the Krakoan Era it also marked a major ending: The final issue of Jonathan Hickman's ongoing X-Men title, with the previous one having set up his proper exit with Inferno later that year.

Hickman's X-Men was the flagship title for the books, a series of one to two issue stories that set up the world of Krakoa and showed off how this nation worked.

And naturally for the viewpoint character, Hickman picked the very first x-man and one of mutantkind's finest, Cyclops. Scotty needed the rub. Since AvX a chunk of X-Books had demonized him as some form of boogie man. While his killing of Charles xavier was shocking.. it was also while he was posssed by the phoenix force, and thus not in full control of his actions. Most characters.. blamed him for it anyway despite there being no logic and treated him as Magneto JR for the crimes of... saving mutants from racists trying to attack them and doing what he was doing. This was compounded by the aformentioned M-Pox era, which killed him off after he FINALLY got everyone's accpetance back.. and once again treated him like a villian for... destroying a cloud of terrgin mist that was killing his people.

He then got brought back from the dead after his teenage counterpart brought from the future, long story that.. but was plopped into that awful uncanny run.

Scotty needed a break, so thankfully Hickman took a special intrest in scott. It helped that with Xavier back and back allegedly doing the right thing, Scott could take a night off of being the leader of all of mutantkind and just enjoy having his dead wife back, a son that's not older with him and presumably regular threesomes with wolverine, who not only is ALSO dating Jean during this era, but lived in Scotts house on the moon. Also , Scott had a house on the moon.

With Hickman leaving though, Scott needed a new direction and Hickman set it up for him on his way out in the aftermath of x of swords. Scott, who was the leader of Krakoa's great captains (their security and people authorized to form a team for whatever threats face this sacred land), and Jean , who was on the quiet council rulling Krakoa, were both utterly fed up with the council's bullshits, from refusing to resurrect Scott's ex wives or any clones period, to sketchy rulings like the one in X of Swords. The two decided there had to be something outside them and that Krakoa still needed heroes.

See while the book was called x-men, Hickman cleverly got away with not actually having a formal team for his tenure. Scott and Jean stepped down to change that, founding a new team. The premise was genius: the team would last for one year in and out of universe, a tour of duty, and be picked entirely by Krakoa itself at the gala.

As a sweet bonus to this already great concept, Marvel left some of the voting up to real life: while most of the team was picked by incoming writer Gerry Duggan, the last member was left up to the fans, a tradition that carried onto the next to galas. In this case Polaris, longtime x-man, twice time x-factor leader, and daughter of magneto won.

We open issue 24 with a followup to something from House and Powers of X: During the mini when building Krakoa Xavier and Magneto approached Namor, prince of the deep, to join the nation. He refused as he had a powerful empire thanks.. and once again refuses when they approach him at the party. They control an island. he controls 75 of the oceans. Call him when you have something more to offer. This plot thread.. never really went anywhere, as Namor turned himself in at the end of Jason Aaron's run on avengers and Atlantis was a non factor by the time the latest gala ended in a bloodbath. We do get this outfit for my boy magneto

Unlike Charles who.. I sitll don't get what he's going for, Erik pulls it off. It also begs the question WHY charles wore his big ass helmet to the party. Max had a WAY cooler helemet that matched his outfit and went with a bitching top hat chuck, what's your excuse.

We then get right to the point: the X-Men vote. And how it's done.. is endlessly cool. Jean telepahtically reaches out to every mutant everywhere.. and the vote happens. The Human Torch is a bit confused... partly because he's not sure how his rap went down

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But mostly because he dosen't know what the heck their doing. Dr. Strange fills him in.

It's a truly awesome way to do it too: it not only left a nice hook for the series, as each person's pitch is shown over the course of Duggan's first year on the title, it's just a neat concept and way to do it. As for who made the cut...

This is such a cool page. I love it dearly. It helps the x-men picked for duty all got great gala outfits, from Rogues which resembles her first uniform, to Shrio's dope as hell suit and wearing his sunfire mask because why wouldn't you if your mask was that sweet, to synch's techincolor suit it's awesome.

So a breakdown of this roster for those less familiar with the x-men. Besides Cyclops, Jean and Rogue, who shoudlnt' need an intro, we have Wolverine, Laura Kinney, also known as X-23, wolverin'es female clone and certified badass, Sunfire, an arrogant frenemy of the x-men's with fire powers and a proud japanese heritage, the aformentioned polaris and Synch, a member of generation x, the 90's class of teenage x-men, recently ressurected after spending a thousand years in a vault. Long story. It's a stellar roster and while Duggan's first year on the book was rocky, it can't be denied this was a great choice for his first for the most part. My only gripe is a lack of diversity, with only two members of the team who aren't white. Otherwise it's a good selection.

So after this we get two pages of Sinsiter being a gossipy bitch before we get to the ending of this issue, a truly amazing scene with a bit of meta flare. A tad cheesy.. but the kind of cheese I like.

So after another cameo by Patton Oswalt, as seen by RTJ the gala had a lot of real life celbreity cameos thrown in, all approved by the people themselves, Kevin Fiege, head of marvel asks Scott a simple question

Is it a tad cheesy to have the head of marvel literally ask a character whose key to their next big franchise his story? Yes.. but I can't help but love it. It's just a fun way to have Cyclops give his story and given marvel comics actually exists in universe, it's not a stretch to say some form of the mcu does either, simply running on the same "offical authorized story" deal they have with most heroes, changing it up for ones whose id's aren't public.

Due to image limits and not wanting to overdue it, the speech stretches over two full pages, i'll have to due with quoting it. But it's one of my faviorite moments of this era so far, and it gets to the heart of who scott summers is NOW.. and just who he is.

"I was blind. Blind to how the world worked...and then I met a man who taught me to see—see how things really were. I loved him for it. And because I loved him—because I believed in him...and, in a way, worshipped him—I claimed things that he had faith in as my own. He called it his dream. It was a good one. But the world, you see—the waking world—were we all live...it is a killer of dreams. A destroyer of things you believe in. So when I grew older, I realized it was foolish to...deify him. Honestly, it's unfair to expect that kind of perfection from anyone. After all, we're all flawed and imperfect... There is no real difference between any of us. No matter how much we believe the lie that there is. You see, he wasn't a savior. He was just a man—a mutant—like me. And his dreams—which still make me smile to this day—are no more valid than anyone else's. Including mine. So what's my story? I'm a dreamer. I'm an X-Man."

Scott is the guy who belviies in Xavier's dream more than the man himself, and while he sidestepped it for a while, as the world wore him down.. he never truly gave up on it.. and he'll never stop fighting for it. So as Scott walks off Emma cues the fireworks.

Planet Size X-Men

So before I get into this one , some context: When this issue happened.. what the fireworks were.. was a suprise. It was kept deathly secret and the reactions seen in marauders were a tease the x-men had done something MASSIVE. While for our purposes here you know the twist I just wanted the context for readers that the x-men colonizing a whole damn planet.. was a massive well done suprise. IT's something this era does well: it hides spoilers VERY well and even when some info has to come out via solicits, it does a great job not telling us everything.

So we open the issue with the reveal of what their doing: The narration is a flashback to someone talking to Forge, the x-men's resident inventor, about IF what their about to do before our eyes is possible. And to start they need a ton of iron, and to plunge it into the planet, then get it nice and hot.

The first part.. is easy given the master of magnet is around and we get a lovely shot of Magneto hauling a giant meteor. This issue's done by Duggan with art by Pepe Laraz, who also did art for House of X and is a phenominal artist, so he not suprisingly knocks it out of the park here. Using the metal they open the planet and as forge puts it "perform open heart surgery" using a team of Hope and Vulcan, Scott Summer's youngest brother who has energy powers> They get it bubbly, Max stirs the sauce with his powers.. and next up is Iceman, who proudly announces himself to the party, whose all viewing this telepathically thanks to Emma Frost

We then flash back to a few days ago. Magneto TRIES to talk some sense into Iscaa the unbeaten, annoyed at the Arakkil shenanigans I mentioned before, but she's unmoved. As long as their of this planet, they'll act as they have and conquer. This likely gave Max the idea.

And his timing for it isn't bad as the Hellfire Trading Company have another problem: their suplies for the lifesaving drugs are running out. The X-Men were doing most of their production in the savage land, a land where dinosaurs never died out, but the super science golden girls stole most of it, so they REALLY need a new place for production. Mags asks to borrow Emma's spaceship.. and prepares his pitch.

The next day Cap and Cyclops talk at westchester, with Cyclops assuring Cap there's a solution to the arakko problem, which gets him to come to the gala. Max pitches his plan to the quiet council and it's a rare unanmous "YES".

Cut to the morning of the gala and while Mags has a lot of the pieces he needs.. he needs more. So he first goes to Jamie Braddock, brother of Bestsy (Formerly Psylocke now Captain Britan) and Brian (also Captain Britan), and half mad reality warper, who Mags convinces to help out. He also goes to Arakko and their own council happens to have three Omega Level Mutants (Mutants with no upper limit to their powers, something firmly defined in this era after being vauge for years on end), who fit the bill: Lacuta the Knower, Sobunar of the Depths, and Xilo the first defender of this broken land.

Back in present day Sobunar goes first: Sobunar contains an ENTIRE ocean within them, so they simply donate a little water and have jamie expand it into an ocean. Storm captalizes on this, using her powers to the strongest they've ever been to give the planet weather, giving the dead red planet wind for the first time.

Next up is Xilo, who.. tears off his head and combines with the land.. he's also a caterpillar. Because why not. With Elixer's help he restores life leaving the next step for the final member of our trio, Lacuta. Her power.. is knowing the precise location of everything. So using her , Jean Grey and exodus, a centuries old telepath bar NONE, shove the ENTIRETY of arakko through the external gate, a magical super krakoan gate, to mars.

WIth that Arakko is on here.. and Arakko itself, which like krakoa is alive, sighs happily at it's first bloodless victory in a long while. A diplomatic area is set up as is a memorial to honor those who could not make it

The downside of the review format is I really can't show you just how awe inspiring all this is. I do have images an dcan show you some of it but the compression here and how much this issue makes use of the full page makes it impossible to translate. It's why while my reviews are good on their own merit, they'll never be a subsitute for the media in question.

So after this Arakko needs it's own SWORD station. SWORD was once the space verison of SHIELD, but with SHIELD ending and Earth's own space branch, alpha flight, being laughably ineffective, former SWORD head Abigail brand went to mutantkind fo ra space program, resulting in their revivail. And since they need a base here, Jean and Quinten Quire, professional loveable scamp, implant the idea of one in his mind. Jean says she's making him pregnant with it.. and soon regrets her word choice

I... didn't doctor any of this. All of this actually happened. Jean Grey made a man pregnant with a space station. That's canon. That's part of this landmark in x-history. God bless you X-Slack, one and all.

Elixer has one last idea.. and this time it's just transmitted to prevent more of .. that... so Jamie gladly obliges, creating port promethus, a massive hub for all the space ships a comin. With that all of Krakoa is welcomed to..

With that we get some data pages, a bold announcment proclaming this the captial of our solar system, a person in the goverment reporting, and nasa being disapointed by mutantkind just anexing the planet but hoping they can visit.

And before we move on to the direct ramifications in story.. let's talk about those fireworks shall we? The Terraforming of Mars into Planet Arakko.. is one of the biggest, genius and insane swings i've seen in a comic. It's all perfectly built up too: from the beginning of this era i'ts been built up how much power omega mutants have, how much stronger krakoa can be it's ties to space via the shiar and brood. And over in SWORD, which had recently launched and will close out today's look at the gala, they subtly laid the seeds: SWORD had been further pushing the idea of a "mutant circuit", i.e. using a group of mutants in concert to do a task, the first being of course the five and SWORD having a circuit in it's first issue bring a super metal from beyond time and space. The idea of seeing just what mutants could do with their powers and a whole nation had been seeded... it's here it sprouts. In what's implied to be an hour at most, with the world watching, mutantkind terraformed a dead planet. While both terriotires had different goverments the fact remained mutantkind now had a PLANET.

It's also nice in that even if Krakoa as a nation tumbles into history... this is something that really CAN'T be easily undone: Mutantkind created a new planet stuffed with mutants, where alien dignitaries have visited, and that humankind will NEVER forget happened. Even if it all collapsed the sheer scope of it is something that can't help but have impact. It's the kind of status quo shift you could ONLY pull off in this era, with these characters, at this time, a perfect allinging of the planets... to let another be reborn.

It also has a lot of nice fallout that's still being felt: A whole book would end up dedicated to this new concept, X-Men Red, which is one of the best of this era and one of the best x-books period, and it's not even over yet. We'll likely look at that next year, or at least part of it, but the idea of this warbased society grappling with peace is fascinating as is humanity grappling with loosing one of it's biggest pieces of the sky. There's so much that's been done with this concept, so much more to do and it's one of my faviorite in the x-men's long history of awesome ideas and was brought about stunningly, with the issue being one long showstopper. They hyped the hell out of this one moment.. and man oh man did they deliver. All that's left.. is the afterparty.

S.W.O.R.D. #7

SWORD opens with Captain america, standing alone reflecting his thoughts. This opening is one of th emain reasons I wanted sword as part of this: this scene helpfully frames what happened from a human perspective, by showing how the best of us grapples with what just happened. And also DOOM, who'd tell you he was but you know DOOM. Cap decides to humor him this once and share his thoughts.. mostly because Victor points out they are both faces of their nations and the weird irony of that tickles our hero a bit. The speech that follows.. is gorgeous, showing that SWORD, and future x-men red, writer Al Ewing, one of my personal faviorite writers, REALLY gets cap. I mean he really gets pretty much any character he rights but still.

Cap relates the story of his waking up from the ice. How soon after.. he felt hopless, a shocking thing to hear from Captain I Can Do This All Day, but understandable: Everything he knew and loved was gone and he'd missed decades. Tony gave him hope by showing the moon landing, showing how much humanity achieved.. but got quiet when Steve asked where the colonies were... what had come NEXT. It's a sad statment on the fact we just kinda.. gave up on space after realizing it was too expensive to exploit.

I belivie in a better tommorow is a cap line up there with classics like "I'm loyal to nothing except the dream" and "No you move", and this scene is expertly done: it shows the two sided coin: Steve is well aware humanity kind of gave up on mars and other planets aside from mapping them, but still wishes they'd worked together.. instead of their next iteration swooping in and taking it all. It's the lovely double edged sword of this all: The Mutants had every right to do this: they had the power, the technology and the need. But it still means they took it for themselves and only themselves.

So while Cap muses about this and Doom heads off to do Doom stuff, we cut to SWORD"s station the Peak where director Abigail Brand, who nick fury wishes he could be, is explaning the situation to a council of galactic ambassadors from very marvel races and factions. Notable faces include Orbis Stellaris, who'd become VERY important soon enough, a guy named Riitho representing the interglactic empire of wakanda, a real thing that exists, long story I don't quite know to be honest, Smasher, former avenger, wife of x-man and former avenger Cannonball, and representive for longtime x-men space buddies the shiar, paibok the power skrull representing the kree skrull alliance and three of the guardians of the galaxy: Star Lord represnting his in comics half home of spartax, Noh Varr aka marvel boy represtning the Utopian Kree and Richard Rider , the man called nova representing earth. Ewing adopted Richie who'd come back from the dead but hadn't got a lot to do, making him a focal point of his run on Guardians and then bringing him over to X-Men Red after that.

Richie in paticular is nettled they didn't tell anyone, and while Frenzy, part of SWORD's security, points out he was kinda busy with guardains stuff.. he still has a point: While Krakoa coudln't afford to tell EVERYONE or someone would've tried to stop them, and they DID need this space... they didn't tell ANYONE they were doing this.

The rest of the delegates are ambivalent: For humanity , mutantkind terraforming a whole planet is a big whoop. And while the SPEED is impressive, terraforming a planet is pretty standard procedure for the empires present.

Thankfully Mutankind brought Abigail brand to the negotating table: she's lived in space her whole life, knows it better than earth, and her whole reason for restarting sword is that she's sick of earth being so ambiviliant and reactionary: they've been invaded COUNTLESS times.. yet the heroes wait. In the previously reviewed epilogue to empire/gay wedding of the century, she quit Alpha Flight entirley because head at the time Carol Danvers.. didn't think to consult her or anyone abotu the crisis and instead cried avengers assemble.

So she decides to take a page from the krakoan book with some space flair: like Krakoa, Arakko won't be recognized without something to give and since the healing plants aren't really a huge get, she has something more: Mysterium,. the metal they plucked from the white hot center of the omniverse.

It's a COOL as hell call back: why did they plunder time and space.. not because they could. .but to get the sol system a foot in the galactic door. See at the time of this run, something running out of Ewing's guardians run as Al ewing tends to use every book he writes to follow up on others, Ewing had the clever idea of the galactic community being in a pretty crappy place: after so many wars, sieges, and attempted conquests, they were battered and the economy suffered. Mysterium... is the answer. Expensive, as seen here super useful for space travel and recovery after all the nonsense the unvierse has been put through.. and a perfect Bribe. Abigail is upfront about it too: as I said this is the same as Krakoa using the drugs and Abby says that outright: a new currency to help the unvierse recover.. in exchange for recognition. Abby's logic is also flawless here: Earth.. has a ton of nations, their all squabbling and generally can't agree on how to treat their own people much less aliens. Arakko is one goverment and thus allows them to simply negotiate with them instead.

Naturally though for a confrence like this.. someone has to ask...

I said he had doom stuff to do.... I didn't say said stuff wasn't in this issue did I? Doom demands to know: who speaks for sol. Given how Victor is, tyranicall and very personality based, he demands an audience with it's rule: who is it's king. Who is it's monarch. And naturally for this story... the answer is badass as hell. It's also the answer every X-Men fan predicted, but it's no less awesome

It's a perfect choice: Storm really hadn't done much in this era up to this point... but in interviews HIckman and others constantly said they had more plans for her and "great stuff coming up". This is the payoff: Storm is once again a queen... and a perfect fit. She's peaceful enough to lead the arakkil in a new direction.. but she's still storm. It's part of what makes Orroro such a great character: she can be gentle, kind and fair.. but god help you if you think you can win a fight with her. And given Roro now has to deal with both a planet of warmongers AND various galactic empires ready to try to exploit this, not to mention eventually Abigail herself trying to exploit this for her own ends, a LOT of people are going to need god's help.

This conversation continues into the next issue, but for our story, the end is not on the grand new red planet.. but back on Krakoa. Magneto is quitely having a drink to himself.. and has a guest.

So one last bit of backstory for this run, for the non comic guys in the audience, hi kevin and such: In the comics Wanda, during a mental breakdown after being manpulated by her own brother, depowered all but 200 of mutantkind. Give or take obviously because comics, but still most were left powerless thanks to her. Wanda DID do her best to atone once she returned much later, helping restore mutantkind.. but instead of undrestanding she wasn't in her right headspace, no one thought "hey let's get her a threapist instead of try to kill her".. no really that was the storyline. Bendis I swear.

Anyway, instead Mutantkind turned her into the boogeyman

Yes a bogeyman, "The PRetender" as it was later revealed she wasn't a mutant because marvel didn't have rights to them at the time. And while I do wish this era had turned her back into one.. the directoin they went was clever.. and this scene is part of it. Wanda comes to her once thought to be bio dad: she skipped the party because well.. she knows what they say and the pretender can't sit at the throne.

Magneto's response? one of the best moment's in the characters history and clear proof of why Ewing was given the character for X-Men Red not long after

It's a heartbreaking well done speech.. and honestly an angle for helping undo the hasty unparenting of Magneto I never considered: Keeping Wanda not a mutant.. but having Magnus still consider her his child. Have him realize after buildling paradise.. that he'd been a pretty crappy father to her, even if he turned out not to be his dad, how he wasn't much better to his biological daughter Lorna. and That even if she's seen as the pretender.. that Wanda is his kid and deserves better. It's also a nice aseop: that you don't NEED to be biologically related ot be family. She's his daughter. End of dicussion. And he will fix this

The how ended up being convoluted, but did result in Wanda going from the pretender, to the redeemer by setting up the waiting room, a way to bring back mutants who didn't have an imprint in cerebro. It's a touching end to this story.. I mean granted the story ACTUALLY ends with magneto suspected of her murder, but it'ts not where we're ending

The Hellfire Gala is one of my faviorite comics events. IT's a unique take on one: instead of a big fight or a big crisis.. it's just a party. It still has all the gravitas and after effects: Wanda's very temporary death leading to her excellent new era under Steve Orlando, the start of Magneto's character arc for X-Men red, a whole new setting with vast ramifications, a new team, and lots of other smaller setups. It's no suprise they did it again the next two years. It's a story packed with both the fun breezy character moment's you'd expect like Emma discovering steve's mommy kink or RTJ getting ready to watch doom fight steve all day, or gambling time, and the big stuff needed to justify it being an event, all organically threaded from here.

We'll no doubt return to krakoa and I already have plans to return to the x-men next year. For now though... we've reached the end of x-men month. As we enter spooky season.. thank you for reading, my x-men.

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