#fuck I need to get so entirely drunk over this now RELAPSING TIME BABY!!

[cosmobrain00]

well🙂

#*visibly trying not to burst into tears* hey guys whats up #surprise surprise another absence bc my life can’t stop getting WORSE evry day it seems haha! #so. now who’s gonna tell me how u deal w the loss of ur fave person n the one person u were 100% certain truly loved u no matter what #who also inspired u to be an artist in the first place n who's been there for u ur ENTIRE life #like idk how to start dealing w it lmao. one min ill be basically okay n then the next ill feel like smthing just tore a chunk out of me #looked outside just a sec ago n thought “oh so she'll never see my progress in art. oh ill never get to make another painting for her” #n yk part of me just wants to pretend like none of it happened honestly #like “hey that was a fucked up dream oh well let me call [x] n tell them I love them” #n I dont fucking KNOW how to deal w this grief n idk whats normal n what isnt #no I havent cried rlly but almost every day I feel like I cant breathe n tht my chest is collapsing in on itself #no I cant talk abt it but i can’t draw like I used to n thinking abt my last art project makes me wanna throw up #< considering it was going to be a present for her tht she'll never get to see. Haha so funny right guys #fuck I need to get so entirely drunk over this now RELAPSING TIME BABY!! #anyways. will try to be normal tm n talk to ppl again instead of isolating as a way to cope n sorry to ppl who have msg'd me Ill be back

[anonil88]

EUPHORIA S2 EP LIVE REACT

*warning there will be spoilers*

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I love fezcos grandma. I love fezco and baby Ash. Aw my babies are so cute.

Come thru soundtrack also this is already very different than season 1 in terms of its more grounded.

Everyone i know whose grown up this way has amazing life skills but it isn't healthy in the end. It ends up messing them up a lot and honestly he could have called the cops and been like my grandma passed out outside.

His grandma would have tripped that fucker down the stairs.

God dammit Ash. He should not have killed mouse sigh but also it was justified.

At least Rue is a complete vibe. Ew not the Tapout shirt eww, ayy new girl.

Rue said girl im just tryna snort drugs I'm not tryna inject this shit. That girl bout dumb as shit, exactly now you look stupid as hell and are caught the hell up.

Oh wow they got a Fezco type of Grandma on their end too.

The way drug dealers will let you just put back on your clothes after they check or they spray ya ass with water. Just take the damn clothes off yall taking all this damn time.

Rue is really out here like I had the best time of my life girl that was not a woo-hoo moment but she copes with trauma with humor.

Nate you piece of literal shit, I swear this boy is 🤢🤢.

I love the use of film cameras so far and the texture it gives to everything.

I know these two are gonna fuck but how stupid are they. Maddy is gonna beat her ass and I mean straight up knock the dog shit out of her one day.

I really don't want these two to date cause he's an adult and she's a minor.

Rue is making me yell out loud "I hate gay people" just go the fuck inside and tell her you like her. But nah let's shoot up heroin for the first time. It will give her confidence but she really doesn't need another fix.

Everytime Jules sees Nate she wants to get blackout drunk. Ughhhhh.

These two bouta become addict bestfriends, thats gonna end awful.

Karma is a bitch and Cassie deserves every bit of it. Maddy deserves every bit of revenge tbh.

At least Rue knows what to take to do push off certain side effects but this is so fucked up to do to Elliot. He can be hugh but he's not signing up to be a harm reductionist and her depressed ass is very nihilist.

Aw Fezco the Christian thug, I kill people and sell drugs in the name of the lordt.

Where is Jules going? Ah yo go talk to Kat.

Maddy and Travis look hella cute. Ooo I like these two together.

Cassie got lucky as all hell and now her ass is stumbling all over the place looking dumb as fuck. "I did everything I could." Nah you havent you just fucked over your "bestfriend" tbh both of yall did.

Hey hey Ethan get you ya lil girlfriend ayyy. Ah Jules got left to the side and is gonna stumble on her own honey and it could go awfully.

Sigh here we go again these two on the couch like this is some k.i.s.s.i.n.g, he's an adult bruh noooo i really hate this Fez and Lexi thing.

BE SINGLE CASSIE BE SINGLE omfg girl. This secret is gonna eat her up on the inside entirely though for a long while until it finally comes out.

Rue is high as a fucking kite but she also may be pissed off.

Nate is gross as hell just nasty and is being all possessive and shit. This is weird and oddly homoerotic this encounter with McKay like um bro chill. Nate back the hell up you only had sex with his ex once and now you acting like an entire feral dog peeing on your territory. Weird ass.

How is she doing? Uh not well. Be honest Rue it's what yall both deserve. I'd rather know my person is on drugs again than them hide it. Jules has to understand it isn't her fault though that Rue relapsed.

Shes 17 bro.

Fezco look good as hell getting ready to fight and I hope he beats the fuck out of Nates chiseled ass face. This is very calculated though.

Rue take ya ass inside and get a new years kiss. Jules is heartbroken as hell and you need to talk.

Aw yay at least my babies get one happy moment. They are girlfriends or dating yayy, I just wanted one of these happy moments

Where is fez with the bottle, please beat his smug ass. Yesss yesss beat his bitch ass. This is so satisfying.

What a good season 2 premiere i like how this is different from season 1 but similar. My friends theory is Nate is going to kill Cal or vice versa based on what he sees in the hospital. I could see it. Only thing that could have made that better is for Jules, Rue, and everyone else to get a kick in or beat his ass along with Fez.

#euphoria spoiler #euphoria hbo #euphoria #live blog #liveblog

[whirlybirdwhat]

If you still do promts? How about Law getting a minor (big scare) relapse of His Amber lead problem?

I do!!!! Hope you enjoy <333

a mark of (not-quite) death

read on ao3!

Law wakes up aching.  

There is a throbbing in his back, a drum of pain running up his fingers, a blurriness in the back of his head that he can’t quite name, and a weakness that shakes in his limbs as he pushes himself upward.

He doesn’t want to open his eyes. The dull light of his sub – the soft humming of the machines – it’s all already too much. He wants to go back to sleep.

Instinct tells him doing so will be his death –

Wait.

Law’s eyes flash open as his entire body starts shaking.

He hasn’t… hasn’t felt this way since he was 13 and running with Cora. He –

God.

No.

(Litanies of prayers flash through his mind, the same the nuns like to whisper over the children as they laid dying in bed. The lights of the hospital, the screams of agony, the white creeping up up up – his father shaking as he attached IV lines to his sister, the blood pooling on the streets –

No-)

It can’t be. Law got rid of it. He was the survivor. The only survivor, because of his thrice damned fruit.

His eyes look down, to where his hands are clenching the bunk he collapsed in late last night (after feeling off all day god he was a fool-), to where –

White splotches against tanned skin, spreading and rising in irregular shapes.

A relapse.

A relapse of Amber Lead Disease.

Law wants to laugh.

(Laugh, in the kind of laugh those who are about to die have. Laugh, not in the way of the indomitable D, but in the kind of way a sailor laughs in the face of a raging storm that he will not survive. Laugh, in the way that fools cry.)

Who knew it was possible?

Tears well up in his eyes as laughter chokes out past the tightening in his chest. He couldn’t die. Not yet.

Not when Doflamingo still lived.

His chest is getting tighter as he raises a shaky white splotched hand to his face, feeling the wetness there. His skin is rough, raised, god it already spread to his face?

He is going to die.

(Everything hurts.)

The world is going blurry at the edges, darkness creeping in, every limb aching and – Oh.

A sliver of thought breaks through the memories of pain and death and terror.

He needs to breathe.

Law takes a shuddering breath, pressing against his chest as if that would make his lungs work past the blinding panic in his mind.

It helps.

He takes another.

It helps more.

Another, and another, and another, until he is lying back in his too small bunk and looking up at the flickering lights.

Fuck, he thinks.

Fuck.

His eyes slip shut past the instinct ingrained in him from his days with Cora, and finally, finally, he falls back to a restless sleep.

-

Untellable time has passed when he finally drags himself out of bed, legs shaking beneath his weight. Kikoku is a helpful walking stick, his jeans an unhelpful hindrance, and his feet barefoot against the deck.

Bending down had hurt too much to put them on.

He makes his way, slowly, to the kitchen where most of the off-duty crew is, their chatter rising above the hum of engines and the lurching power of the sea.

Bepo –

Bepo is there.

Thank fuck.

He stumbles in and makes a bee-line towards his first mate, ignoring the cries of his crew (idiots – who told them they could care so much about him?) as he finally arrives in front of Bepo, shaking.

Bepo stares. “Captain?” His voice is soft.

Worried.

(The way it is after nightmares shake Law awake and all he can hear is the laughter of a mad tyrant echoing in his mind.)

Law stares back and carefully, carefully, slumps into Bepo’s arms.

(By the shouts of his crew, it’s not so carefully. It’s more the last legs of a starving man giving out.)

“Captain!” Bepo says, less questioning and more panicked and worried this time.

Law just shoves his face into his jacket and mumbles “I’m fine Bepo.” Half the words don’t make it out but it’s fine.

He’s fine.

Law is… Law is fine.

Shachi echoes from his right. “You don’t look fine captain.”

“Yeah!” Penguin chimes in. “You look like death warmed over.”

(He’s not fine)

Law shudders, and shakes his head. “I feel it,” He mutters, uncharacteristically open, and then moves on as Bepo lowers them bother down to the bench. “It’ll… It’ll pass. Just need to operate, that’s all.”

He can’t see it with his face shoved into Bepo’s warmth but he just knows everyone is sharing glances over his head. Especially Shachi and Penguin and Bepo. They knew him… they knew him when he just got over Amber Lead, operating out of his skin with cries of pain and little control over his devil fruit….

And little choice to not do it.

It’s always like this out at sea – out on open waters with a black flag overhead, or the intention to be one. Life or death.

Life or death.

(For so long, Law has intended to die.)

He sighs, further, as they finally sit down, the ache in his legs easing as Bepo allows him to slump into his side. A hot mug is shoved into his hands and lifted to his lips, shakily.

Coffee.

Sweet, just how he secretly likes it. Ikkaku then, the only person who knows how to get it just right, helping him drink.

(His eyes feel so heavy.)

There’s murmuring around him. Law closes it out, to focus on how the jumpsuit is soft on his raised and rash-ridden skin.

Someone moves Kikoku away from him, and he doesn’t move an inch. The worried voices pick up again.

Soon, someone shakes him.

“Captain.”

He’s so tired.

“Captain.”

This is, essentially, the second worst thing that could possibly happen to him. The first being Doflamingo dies before Law can spit in his face and say Fuck You.

“Captain!”

He should have just operated in his room. Why didn’t he do that?

“Law!”

Oh.

He’s a captain now.

That’s him.

He pushes himself off Bepo, and blinks wearily at his crew.

“Yeah – Yes?” He tries to pour irritation into his voice, but honestly – they are a crew, no matter how often he holds them at arms lengths. They know he’s not as prickly as he seems. They have seen him half drowned, drunk out of his mind, and on fifteen to many cups of Shachi’s special coffee.

They can see him sick.

(He’s so tired.)

Penguin peers into his face, his hat tipped up so that he can meet Law’s eyes clearly with his own. “What operation?”

The words come out of him slurred and tired.

“Amber Lead,” He says, and doesn’t miss how Clione in the corner takes a step back. “It’s… not contagious…” He slumps further into Bepo. “That was all a government ruse.”

Most of them are from the North Blue. Most of them have heard the stories – of Flevance, and how it burned to the ground, how its people were exterminated, how its people were contagious and it was good for the world that their disease wasn’t spread.

Most of his crew, however, don’t know that he’s the last survivor.

A hand drifts over his cheek, tapping gently on the raised, white skin, and Law is drawn back into reality.

“’M from Flevance. Last survivor. My fruit… my fruit cured me. Had to operate.” He says, dimly remembering it. “Now its back. Gotta….” His mother would be ashamed of how his voice was drooping. Slurring. There was a patient he had to tend to. Wait. He was the patient. He was so tired and even the coffee wasn’t helping. “Operate again.”

Dimly, he remembers how he wasn’t allowed to see the adults who had Amber Lead. They were always worse off than the children once the disease reached its peak. The body, too old to defend itself. The mind, old enough to understand eminent death. To understand that you were leaving everyone behind, because of an unavoidable fate, because you were born of Flevance and its greed.

Now, Law is aching as he did when he was a child in the last stages of the disease, and he feels… distant and all too close to the fact all at once. He’s tired, but he has survived this before.

Before, he was alone.

Now, he has a crew.

(And a dream, as horrible and revenge driven as it is, to kill the one who took everything else from him.)

A crew that is slowly pulling him out of his despair and into open arms.

Bepo is muttering with Shachi and Penguin, something about how did it set in so fast? And Island conditions? And large concentrations of ore and ocean depths and battles? But all of it is fading distantly.

A hand taps his cheek and pulls the cup from his hands. He tries to follow it, but he is quickly trapped by a large, fluffy orange arm.

“Sleep, Captain.” That’s Clione, stepping closer now. “You can operate when you’re coherent.”

He wants to snap at them, snap at all of them, that he’s a man and doesn’t need to be babied, he’s done this before and he’ll do it again, and he’s a trained doctor –

(Who trained all of them-)

-so he can decide when he needs to sleep but –

Bepo’s arm is soft. Comforting. Familiar.

(He tried to find Cora’s coat after he was killed. He couldn’t. He missed the warmth of smoky black faux feathers. He had no comfort then, when he was digging into his skin with shaky powers and a stolen knife.)

Law falls to sleep, surrounded by crew, and hopes he’ll wake to see morning light.

-

There is none when he wakes. Instead, there is a heavy pressure on his right, crushing him, almost gently, against a large, soft, bodily shaped lump.

For a moment, with the shaking in his limbs, Law thinks he is in Flevance again, hiding amongst the bodies of his dead neighbors and friends to get a chance at life.

His heart races, before Bepo lets out a familiar snore and Shachi slaps at his cheeks.

Ah.

He’s not in Flevance.

He’s home.

(Usually, he would correct himself and say The Polar Tang. Not today. Today he is tired.)

He looks across the room.  They are still in the kitchen, the crew merely moving around him instead of moving him, the idiots. The lights are dimmed, and it seems to be only Bepo and Shachi in the room. A blanket is pulled around him, and his sword leaned against the wall.

He gives a sigh. Someone had even grabbed his hat for him.

(He wants his hat. His father had given it to him. He wants his hat.)

His eyes drift, still tired, but the aching in his limbs has abated for now. It’s time to move, before he’s lost again in pain and memories.

Law pushes at Bepo and Shachi, shoving both off of him in a spur of strength, before standing up.

“Captain!” Bepo cries happily, undeterred from his harsh wake up. On the ground, Shachi rubs his head but doesn’t complain. “You’re awake! Is your head better? Is your body better? Are you okay? Do you need water? Food? Wait maybe don’t’- “

The world spins as Law stands up, but he still manages to grit out a “Bepo!” that shuts the bear up quick. He feels bad for it, but at least the questions are stopped.

“Help me to the operating room.”

Shachi gives him a look even as Law refuses to wait for them to help him across the room to grab his sword. “Are you sure you’re ready to operate?”

Law gives him a look as he grips Kikoku, Bepo helping up his other arm. “If I don’t operate now, I won’t be able to later. If I don’t operate later, I’m going to fucking die.” The clarity in this threat and his voice seems to stir Shachi into opening the doors for them to go through, Law’s feet getting heavier with every step.

“Amber Lead, huh?” Shachi questions quietly.

Law lets out a breath. “Yeah.”

“That’s what you were recovering from when we first met, right? With the white splotches?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re back now.”

“Yeah.”

“I thought they were gone forever.”

Law sighs again. “Me too,” he says, and that’s the end of the conversation. It’s silent then, as they pad through the ship to the operating room. The rest of the crew must know by now, because they don’t question it when Law limps quietly throughout the sub. They only nod, and give him worried looks.

His crew is a crew of fools.

(He wouldn’t trade them for the world.)

The operating room is already open when Law arrives.

(He can barely stand. His legs ache. He bets if he rolled up his pants, his legs would be near entirely white, the disease setting in quick. He hates this. He hates this.)

“Captain!” Penguin cheers from the corner where he is cleaning Law’s favorite sets of scalpels and has a chair set up. “Everything’s ready for when you need it! Didn’t know what exactly you needed, so I got everything that seemed reasonable.”

A part of Law softens at that, though his face hurts to twitch into smile. “Thank you, Peng,” He says, quiet, and with Bepo’s help eases himself into a chair. He sighs and gestures for the tray scalpels Penguin rolls over.

He’s practiced this kind of removal before, on albeit unwilling patients. They were thankful after, but never quite liked it when Law opened them up.

They felt no pain, thanks to the Ope-Ope fruits natural anesthetics, but removing things buried into your skin by what appears to be magical scalpels is never fun.

(It was funny to Law. He was always sadistic like that.)

He picks up a scalpel, gestures for his crew to back away, and then says, very carefully, “Room.”

His crew stares, but then the pieces come together when his eyes lock on Bepo and he says “Shambles.”

In an instant, his head is switched with the air above Bepo’s palms.

Bepo screams, only a bit, but it gives Law the perspective he needs to make this surgery.

His body is trembling before him, Law already feeling the strain from using his devil fruit. Splotches run up his arms from where his sleeves are rolled up, the hoodie dipping just a bit to reveal the splotches on his neck as well. When Law glances into the mirror on the tray, he pauses, for just a moment.

The spots make him seem… hollow. As if he were only a frame of the person he wanted to be. They fill his cheeks and nose, distorting over his forehead, like a skeleton made of flesh and empty spaces.

He looks tired.

(He always looks tired.)

He looks like death.

(A part of him laughs at that. The Surgeon of Death, looking like death warmed over? Irony at its finest.)

He blinks his eyes closed and opens them quickly. If he doesn’t act soon, he’ll be death.

He watches his arms lift in front of him, and mutters “Scan.”

His body lights up in shades of vibrant blue, making his spots glow where they are raised above the skin. Law looks closer, his fingers twirling in the air, till it is as if he can see the innermost parts of his body.

There.

The core of all his trouble, nestled right next to his lungs. A part of the Amber Lead he missed when he didn’t know that Scan was an ability he had with his fruit. A part that grew and grew and grew, and seemed to have been suddenly exacerbated by the climate of the Grand Line.

The only surprising part is that it took till now for it happen.

“Peng. Shach.” He says, straining, speaking odd when your mouth is in one area of the room and your voice box in another. “Get the infectious substance containers.”

Penguin looks alarmed. “Thought you said it wasn’t contagious?”

“Yes.” He responds. “It isn’t. But it is toxic, and this is the closest containment system we have. Get it.”

Penguin gives a snappy salute, and then he and Shachi are running out the door, leaving Bepo and Law’s disembodied head, and his body in the room.

Law sighs, neck leaning back so his head rests on Bepo’s chest. To Bepo’s merit, he only shifts his hold on Law.

A moment, and Bepo shifts his grip again so that one paw is patting Law’s head. IF his body were not so weak he would have strangled Bepo.

(It feels nice. He won’t let him know that.)

“Bepo.” He growls.

“Sorry!” Bepo yelps, but doesn’t stop dragging his fingers through Law’s hair, gentle and calm.

Law doesn’t scold him again, and instead fights the urge to sink into sleep by examining his body further.

His chest tightens when he realizes how much it had spread – all because Law didn’t bother to check up his body earlier. God.

He would have died if he didn’t have his fruit.

If Cora hadn’t…

The operating room door slamming open distracts him from his thoughts.

“We got it!” Shachi and Penguin cheer, rolling over two large glass and plastic and metal containers.

(Law new the destructions of diseases. He filched the best containment for his own ship.

Like hell he would let Flevance happen again.)

Law nods the best he can without a body, and across the room, his body raises its arms.

“Scan,” He says, one more time to be sure. When it all lights up again, he closes his eyes and breathes out.

One second.

Two.

He breathes in, and opens his eyes.

“Room,” He says, and the operating room becomes his. His eyes flash to the air inside the empty cases and –

“Shambles.”

The blue disappears from his eyes, from his body, from his face, the aches disappearing, in a snap from his skin, and into the containers already sealed shut. His fingers twitch, another muttered Shambles, and his head is securely on his body.

The world blurs in front of him.

Fuck.

He’s so tired.

So, so tired.

He lays back, melting against the chair, and doesn’t protest as Bepo lifts him up.

“You’re alright captain. You’re alright.”

As his hat is placed on his head, white splotches slowly fading from his hands in itchy waves, he honestly thinks he might be.

His eyes shut and to worried murmurs, he falls unconscious, operation over.

(His parents would be ashamed of how he didn’t check to make sure the patient was recovering right.

Wait.

He’s the patient.

Fuck.)

-

Law wakes without aching, without wanting to laugh, Bepo wrapped around him again and his favorite food on a tray beside him. When he looks in the mirror, only two splotches of white remain near his eyes, fading as he watches. Someone has washed his hair and scrubbed the other flakes of white on cheeks away with tender care, and a blanket is wrapped carefully around him. This time, Law doesn’t panic. This time, Law goes to goes back to sleep on purpose, smile gracing his features.

His crew is a crew of fools but fuck, if Law doesn’t love them. They keep him alive.

Law won’t die now.

Not yet.

And not from his past.

#whirlyanswers #Anonymous #trafalgar law #trafalgar d. water law #law #corazon #donquixote rocinante #rocinante #bepo #shachi #penguin one piece #op #one piece #whirlywrites #whirlywhat #opfic #sickfic #uhhh enjoy!!!! #disappears again

[dawsonscreekwasalwaysbad]

season 6 thoughts

hey quick question why the FUCK did you start with that

like on the one hand i’m glad that now i know what happened right after the end of “that’s too much man!”. on the other hand… ow

the mountain bojack climbs is called “metaphor mountain” God bless Lisa Hanawalt

i LOVE the way the episodes are framed… like you get one flashback to bojack drinking and you think that was the first time then it’s like NOPE he was even younger

CINDY CRAWFISH AKSHDJDSF

AND BABY BOJACK SNUGGLING UP TO HIS MOTHER… TRYING TO FEEL AN EMBRACE SHE WOULD NEVER GIVE… CATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB

WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS NEW INTRO

AND THE WAY IT HAS ALL THOSE FLASHBACK SCENES BUT IT STILL ENDS WITH HIM FALLING INTO THE POOL AND DIANE AND PEANUTBUTTER CHECKING TO SEE IF HES OK AND THEN HES JSUT LOUNGING IN HIS APPLE SHORTS;;; it’s just,, he’s going back home in the end, going back to the place where he started, as if everything will go back to the way it was before and he’ll find himself stuck in the same cycles he tried so hard to escape… all im saying is, i dont think this season is gonna end well

and how it dwells on his past, everything he did wrong, all the most heartwrenching moments, and there aren’t any changes to the intro (as far as i could tell) until episode 8… nothing changes if all you do is look back.

I am LOVING the Mr. Peanutbutter we’re getting this season. I was never really attached to him before; it’s not that I hated him, just that I liked all the other main characters better. and now that they’ve had him do something really bad and reckon with that,, he’s plumbing new depths, exploring those dark places, questioning if he’s truly as happy as he says he is

and bonding with bojack??? who would have guessed

bojack keeps giving advice that is, at best, the kind he doesn’t follow himself, and at worst, bringing others down into the well of self-pity that he’s been stuck in the whole series

Someone give Princess Carolyn a break…

SHE NAMED HER DAUGHTER RUTHIE IM CRYING

Guy seems like a cool guy but I feel like they’re setting him up to seem nice so that it’s more surprising when it’s revealed he’s not. I’m probably being too suspicious, but also we don’t know much of the details about his divorce, do we? Lakeith Stanfield's great tho

EPISODE 4 WAS COMEDY GOLD

The return of Queefburglar69

I WANNA WRAP PICKLES UP IN A BLANKET LIKE A BURRITO AND TELL HER EVERYTHINGS OKAY

Oh man Pickles talking about how her subscribers will always be there for her… like… it’s not one person, it’s a cloud of people, the contents and shape of which changes, might even be completely different and unrecognizable from one year to the next, but they’re all still there as this nebulous support system. and it reminded me of what bojack said to young sarah lynn about how her fans are the only things she can count on

Todd is babey.

Also him wearing the ace colors under his hoodie!!

I knew Diane’s rationale for going to chicago was bullshit. she said it makes her feel good, but “it doesn’t matter where you are, it’s who you are,” and she still dwells on her bad feelings and hates herself just as much in chicago as she did in LA. moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily gonna change those tendencies, she has to work on it herself.

OH MAN AND WHEN BOJACK GETS DR CHAMP DRUNK AGAIN… THROWING THE BOTTLE OUT THE WINDOW WAS A WAY TO AVOID RUINING ANOTHER LIFE AND HE ENDS UP DOING THE EXACT THING HE HOPED HE WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN

was honestly kinda hoping that Dr Champ was just pretending he got drunk to show how bad bojack could get if he relapsed but at the end when he was like “stay…” that’s how i knew that shit was real.

todd is so fucking stupid i love him

ngl am kinda disappointed that todd’s confirmed white, cause i’ve kinda been picturing him as latino for a long time and i know rbw said he doesn’t want to alienate latino viewers who relate to todd. but it makes a  lot of sense, cause he always gets away with stupid shit and gets to the top of things without even having to try just because he knows a guy. and maybe the reason he’s so positive all the time is because it’s so easy for him to be, he never has to worry about shit bc of the privilege his whiteness affords him. also I love that we got to learn more about his backstory

THE CONTRAST BTWN “all the shitty things I did that I can barely even remember because I was high or drunk or it was thirty years ago” and “I remember everything. I’m sober now.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!

sharona sounds like a cross btwn princess carolyn and margo martindale

I have… mixed feelings about the haircut

Oh man Mr. Peanutbutter had a moment… he finally got that crossover episode… I was kinda hoping for a joke that went “Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in the same room? What is this, Philbert?” or “What is this, a short-lived show on a streaming network that got canceled because the star got addicted to painkillers and strangled his costar in a drugged haze?” but this is SO MUCH BETTER. I've never seen him cry before and the way he reacts to himself crying suggests that maybe he’s never cried before at all, and that’s why he just keeps laughing, almost like it’s forced, cause this is supposed to be his happiest moment and it’s not supposed to make him so sad. fucking,, character development

and the cold open of ep 8… you can forgive yourself and move on from your past wrongs but it doesn’t erase the things you did, the effects they have on people, and the trauma they’ve suffered. and then like, how can you forgive yourself if they never forgive you? how do you maintain that balance? why should you move forward if they can’t?

its weird to have an episode consisting entirely of guest stars but it also illustrates the extensive world they’ve built and i applaud that… also where the fuck is ana spanakopita

GINA RETURNS!!! HELL YEAH

her quote about not wanting to be defined by what bojack did to her has always stuck with me, and i feel like now, that quote has sort of come true. like, her saying that made us avoid reducing her to what happened to her, and thats why i wanted to see her come back this season, hopefully moving past it. but she can’t. it traumatized her. and everyone can see the effects of it but she feels like she can’t come forward, cause if she does she’ll be punished. shit like that changes you.

and it’s another instance on the show where someone chooses to advance their career & preserve their reputation over doing the right thing (like what bojack does with herb & sharona), but bojack does it out of self-interest, and gina does it so she doesn’t have to relive her trauma every time she gets interviewed or recognized by a fan. but even when she keeps quiet about it she’s still reliving her trauma

noah fence but what a waste of the once-per-season fuck word. youre really gonna use it in an episode IN WHICH BOJACK DOES NOT EVEN APPEAR, and not only that, but RECYCLE AN OLD SENTENCE FROM A PREVIOUS EPISODE

netflix places no limits on a show’s use of the fuck word (i think), so… fingers crossed for something better in the second part?

OH MY GOD PETE REPEAT INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS PETER ITS ALMOST LIKE HES TRYING TO FORGET THAT TIME & THAT PERSON HE WAS (im probably reading into it too much, I’m sure it’s mostly so we wouldn’t figure out who it was immediately. maybe im just like the kid with the coffee cup.)

and just… ppl describe this show as “family guy or the simpsons except the protagonist faces consequences for his actions” but bojack has gotten away with everything.

you ever just like… you ever watch a scene and feel the cliffhanger vibes creeping up and you just know it’s gonna end there and leave you unsatisfied and begging for more but at the same time that’s what makes it such a good place to end it. that was me with this. (and also the ending of undone)

the thing about this show is, it illustrates what it’s like to be a toxic person. and sure, he has it hard, but the show never asserts that he has it any worse than his victims, even if bojack himself does so. and he only does it so he can feel better about himself. he deserves a reckoning, he needs to pay for his bad deeds. but then, when you know what made him this way and what goes on inside his mind and that he wants to get better, it makes you feel for him, and forces you to ask if he deserves to get better and forgive himself and move forward. but even if he does, it doesn’t change the things he did. it doesn’t fix the lives he’s ruined.

anyway sound off if you think bojack’s gonna die at the end. hopefully not by suicide

#long post #bojack horseman #diane nguyen #todd chavez #princess carolyn #mr. peanutbutter #pickles aplenty #pete repeat #bojack horseman season 6 spoilers #doctor champ #sarah lynn #gina cazador #horsin' around #mr. peanutbutter's house #netflix #raphael bob-waksberg #lisa hanawalt #phoebe talks #mine

[caffeinetheory]

There’s Gotta Be A Reason

Follow up to Everything Stays requested, well they got me to consider it, @mystery-5-5

this is Jason’s point of view, and he may seem a little ooc for him but i wanted a softer take, hopefully it will make sense, also sorry for the long wait, i kept putting off finishing it ‘cause i want to hopefully make something that’ll stand with the original

(I ended up skipping the last verse because i wanted to focus on Jason not Mari also if this is all over the place sorry, I’ve been working on and off with it and it was longer then I meant to make and took way longer, oops )

///

The bruises still lingered on his arms and the dried blood was still sticking to his skin. They were the only things Jason could feel at the moment, he was numb. Completely numb and barely knew his own name. Only one thing stayed in his mind untouched by the madness of the pit, loving bluebell eyes that seemed to hold the world to him and a soft voice drowned out by whatever had brought him back. 

There's gotta be a reason that I'm here on Earth

As memories slowly came back to him there was one constant, a girl. She was special to him, he knew that much but he couldn't place why for the life of him. Maybe she was the reason he was back, no that couldn’t be it. Talia made sure Jason knew he was theirs because he owed them from bringing him back.

But why was she the only thing he could remember, there has to be something. The distant memory of what must have been her laugh is sometimes the only thing keeping him sane.  Something in the back of his mind tells him he should hold back, but what was it?

Gotta be a reason for the dust and the dirt

Seeing the grave for the first time was jarring. He really did die didn’t he. Pain enveloped his mind as he tried to remember, but it hurt to much so he just let it go. There are more important matters at the moment anyway, like getting out from under their control. That was one thing he could never forget, he didn’t like being told what to do.

The changing of the seasons never changed my hurt

It must have been at least a year since he was brought back and he still under them. The plan was coming together, he’d run with their weapon. It was bad enough they were messing with his life but a CHILD! That wouldn’t stand. Another spring was coming, that was when he’d make his break. All that was left was to get the kid on board.

So what's it worth? What's it worth?

Saving Damian may have been a mistake, the kid was an absolute pain, but it felt like the right thing to do. Weird to think he could do the right thing but something told him that was what he should do.

Damian told him where to drop him off, a manor. It brought the pain in his head but he ran to the shadows before it could get worse. There was something important about the manor but it wasn’t the right time to figure it out.ashes of memories were becoming more frequent while he was in Gotham.

Worth another shot of whiskey and another sip of gin

Being passed out drunk was one of the only things keeping the pit’s madness under control, if you can even call it that. If he was drunk he couldn’t go out and fill the need to kill, be the Hood. Bottles littered the floor, the weapons he could run with strewn about on every surface there wasn’t a bottle. This wasn’t right but what else could he do, remembering hurt but something told him it would be worth the pain. 

Another drop of poison that is slowly sinking in

Was he ready though, that’s the question.

Downing the last of the whiskey in his shit apartment he made himself a drunken promise. This would change. Fight through the pain and go back to the manor, check on the kid, see if he can find out why it causes the pain that only happens when he is trying to remember the before.

If we're going down together, better take another hit

Dick was the one who found a lost Jason looking lost in the manor gardens. 

“Jay…”

“...Dickie”

The brothers broke down in each others arms. This started a practice between the two, every over day they would meet at a coffee shop and Dick would help him with his memories. It was slow and it hurt the older boy to see his little brother hurting so much but they made it work.

We won't be here forever, so let's make the best of it

It was a year and a half later he got to see Roy again. You couldn’t separate the for weeks afterwards. They helped one another, became a duo. What they did wasn’t exactly legal but when was being a vigilante ever legal. 

They were the fuck-ups but they worked. They did what they could to help when others wouldn’t. Roy helped with relapses and the intrusive thoughts, Jay could keep Roy grounded. Together they were the Outlaws, others would join them from time to time but it was something that was theirs.

Walking down to the burial ground

The day he finally saw his grave was a jarring one to say the least. It was the day everything finally fell into place. That laugh that could be heard when he was alone explained, the hard to control urge to mame clowns, and red crowbars making him uneasy. It all made sense, why that clown was still alive would always baffle him but that wasn’t his problem.

With a sad song in his brain

It also brought back the sweet voice in the back of his head. Always there but he could finally hear it again. Soft bliss like bells on a warm spring day. Pure comfort, he knew it went with the eyes, but no one could tell him who they belonged to. At first he thought it was Dick, but that wasn’t right, but who else had known him and been close to him?

General Cloud is an old man now

When he saw Bruce again with no masks in the way he didn’t know how to feel. There were a thousand questions going through his head, the loudest being why...why didn’t you do anything? At this point did it matter though, what’s done was done. It was clear he had gone through enough already, no wasn’t the time to stab an old wound… since when did I think about others like that?

But it feels like yesterday

Despite the open invitation to stay at the manor Jason avoided it as much as he could. The photos and halls bringing back what he assumed were memoires, memories hurt. It was a pain he wasn’t ready to quite fully face, that was until he saw the hidden frame. It's simple black outline was hard to miss in the library. It was with his favorite book, why his favorite book was a worn red leather bound book written entirely in French he wasn't sure but something told him it was more than what was contained on the yellowing pages. 

He was on the front lines, stranded on the beach

Memories from a gala not to long after he was adopted came flooding his head. Feeling lost because he was alone, Dick had classes and Jason was by himself in forein country. Baby pink and calm also flashed in his mind. There still wasn’t a clear face but she was real! He knew it! Walks throughout the city, along the Seine and thorough every back alley. She lead him to all her favorite places, showed him the lights that reminded him of the stars, showed him kindness when he felt alone. Was she the reason the madness wasn’t completely gripping him, but how could that be?

Crawling to his best friend, floating in the sea

Roy had found him thumbing through the yellowed pages seemingly lost in his own head. Roy saw the picture and things started to make sense, but for now he needed to take him back home. The next few weeks Jason wasn’t fully there, the memories were hitting him like a flood, sweeping him away. It was hard but he made himself swim, he pushed them back but not away. He still had a mission to attend to.

But he didn't make it, he still can't believe

Every Time he tried to remember now nothing new comes, he knows there is more. There has to be doesn’t there. This can’t be all, Jason Peter Todd knew there was more, what was the key to a lock he couldn’t find?

How arbitrary fate is, he says

Jason thought he had everything there was in his memories at this point, it had been at least 3 years since he died and more than a year since he was free from the League’s influence but her name always eluded him. The one time he tried to ask Dick they both got called away on something urgent and Dick would evade the question every time. Who was she and what had happened that her saying name was akin to saying the cursed words that would bring the devil himself to the living room?

There's gotta be a reason that I'm here on Earth

Something felt different as Red Hood took out the latest drug cartel with Arsenal, something he couldn’t put his finger on. It was a good different though, like something good was going to come his way soon. 

Gotta be a reason for the dust and the dirt

Visiting his grave still felt weird to Jason, but it was a place he could think clearly. No one bothered him there, it was just him and the old him. Something in the back of Jason’s head told him that the old him, old memories would finally be clear in the coming months. A single marigold laid on his grave as left, a small smile on his face as the gate closed behind him.

The changing of the seasons never changed my hurt

Spring came and went, so did most of the summer. Still nothing new has happened but Jason kept the positive thought in his head. He had made it this far, what was the point of giving up now. That didn’t mean tracing his scars to try and bring back more memories didn’t hurt when nothing came up, but at least Roy could always distract him.

So what's it worth? What's it worth?

Fall was about mid way through when Bruce had gotten a call from someone in the Watchtower, who he didn’t know but he could tell it wasn’t expected. Why would someone move to this godforsaken place, a Leaguer no less? Did they have a deathwish? 

Worth another shot of whiskey and another sip of gin

The anniversary of the Outlaws forming was quite the weekend bender, the whole family insisted he celebrated, kept him out of the area for some reason. Roy took him to Star City to get wasted, sure he was going clean but it was a special case, and maybe it hurt his family wanted him gone for awhile… he really thought that after all this time they didn’t see him as a problem kid anymore, that he had improved, at least he still had Roy by his side.

Another drop of poison that is slowly sinking in

The hangover the next day sucked ass, Roy and Jason could agree on that. But it got his mind off what his family didn’t want him to know about. 

If we're going down together, better take another hit

A few weeks later Jason got called to help with a case in Gotham. With everyone, which was weird with how they seemed to be trying to keep him from the city the last few weeks, but if his family needed him he would better. That’s what family was for after all wasn’t it?

We won't be here forever, so let's make the best of it

With Red Hood’s help the villain team up was taken care of quickly. Something told Jason to hang around for longer though, so he did. Taking up an old patrol route. The feeling came back, and for a reason he couldn’t explain it brought a smile to his lips.

There's gotta be a reason that I'm here on Earth

Jason had finished his patrol earlier than usual, he was one of the only ones out that night. He could hear voices from the living room, something told him he should go in but he couldn’t get himself too. What was this feeling? 

Then the voice that was always telling him how he mattered, how much they cared, the one that helped him, came through the ajar door like it was meant just for him. There was a sadness in it that made his heart break, she didn’t deserve to feel that sad. She was an angel and she deserves all the happiness in the world. 

Gotta be a reason for the dust and the dirt

Curiosity was getting the best of him, why was she here? As she talked about a chain he had an epiphany Marinette!!! Her name was Marinette, and with that everything fell into place. She was his light, his reason to fight even if he didn’t know it.

Something she said made him forget about the joy he felt, “I think that’s why I couldn’t let it be real, let him go… I always wanted to be by his side, with him through thick and thin.”

She still loved him? She didn’t know he was alive? How much pain had she been going through? He couldn’t catch his helmet before it hit the ground making everyone look his way, he was into much shock to care though, she was real and staring right to his soul. 

The changing of the seasons never changed my hurt

At first she was tense and ready to fight but Dick called his name and that was all it took for her to launch herself at him. Any punch he got her deserved...wait she was holding him like he would disappear if she let go. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and Mari just held him closer. Regaining his thoughts after the initial shock Jason returned the hug just as tight, “I’m here, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” he needed it just as much as she did. Lighty petting her hair as he helped calm her down, she was really in his arms again. 

How long had it been? Too long and she was there now, that's what mattered. He had a lot of time to make up for, and gosh darn he was going to.

So what's it worth? What's it worth?

They had both changed so much since they were in their teens but he could still see her beauty under all the scars, she maybe slightly worse for wear but she was still his Mari. the look she gave him looking into his eyes, he knew she could still she him in there, and even if she didn’t know it she was the reason. He had found his reason to live again. The calling was right, something good was going to happen eventually, and the wait was more than worth it.

Worth another shot of whiskey and another sip of gin

They spent the rest of the night together, talking and just being together. When Jason awoke with movement on his chest he was worried then seeing Mari he was at ease. She took his hand and lead him like a  puppy to the kitchen where they could eat breakfast. 

Eventually she had to go but they exchanged numbers and he was already planning a date. They had years of lost time to make up for and like hell he wouldn’t start as soon as he could. She was his light and he was going to keep that light close as much as he could.

Another drop of poison that is slowly sinking in

Seeing Mari sitting on the dock swinging her legs like when they would hang out in Paris brought a smile to Jason’s lips. She looked stunning in jeans and a red hoodie, a red that reminded him of his costume, she took off her headphones upon hearing him, a grin burst onto her lips when she saw him. She brought a warmth to his chest he never wanted to leave. Holding out a black helmet to the girl of his dreams she got on his bike holding him together then she needed to, Mari was having time time of her life as they speed down the docks at high speeds. She really was perfect.

If we're going down together, better take another hit

We won't be here forever, so let's make the best of it

When the night ended Jason made a promise to himself, and by the look in her baby blue eyes she did too, they would make this work. 

Life might be short but with you by my side it will all be worth it...

///

Finally finished and I hope the wait was worth it <3

#maribat #my writing #jasonette #song fic #follow up #song fics #hope this isnt too ooc #this took so long #im sorry for the wait #long post #i did figure out how to link though

[feelthepainofdodick]

Addicted - Chapter 4 (D.D. x Reader)

Summary: You and David are dating but you get some devastating news that causes you to relapse and make bad choices. Consequences are bound to happen both in your relationship and your life.

Notes: This is the last chapter of the series. Thank you all for reading! I’m going to make some imagines after this so if anyone wants anything specific let me know! My asks and messages are open! I wanted to give a special thanks to @thesilentvibe for being truly the nicest person ever and talking to me about my writing. I am so utterly grateful I had someone to talk to about this. Hope you like this M. <3 Happy reading! -Julie

Word Count: 1639

CHAPTER ONE - CHAPTER TWO - CHAPTER THREE

DAVID’S POV

I woke up feeling so heavy. There was a huge weight on my shoulders, my chest, everywhere. I woke up and immediately went to look at my phone to see if (Y/N) messaged me back. Nothing. It was just past noon and no message back. Without even thinking I called her again. I was expecting it to go immediately to voicemail but it didn’t. My heart sank. I sat on the phone for every single ring until it beeped me to voicemail. Instead of leaving another voicemail, I sat back down on the couch, and just stared into space thinking…

It didn’t go straight to voicemail. That means she turned on her phone and saw my messages I left her and she chose not to answer. She chose to ignore my messages and continue doing whatever she was doing. Didn’t that drunk guy say she called some dude named John? Who is John? 

Let me retrace my thinking. I know (Y/N) left the club suddenly. The drunk guy told me she was sad and called a dude named John. He also said she was going to this said John. Then I called her a million times and every time ended immediately to a voicemail which meant her phone was off or dead. Then I call her again when I woke up and it kept ringing. Meaning her phone is now on but she just didn’t answer.

I don’t know how to explain any of this other than she is cheating on me? Maybe something sad happened and instead of going to me for a shoulder to lean on she went to John. Why the fuck would she do that? We’ve been dating, we’re in love, does she not trust me? I don’t know what to do.

I felt like an absolute maniac. I was pacing all over my house. Natalie probably came back home while I was asleep and now is awake watching me pace. I don’t know what to do. Shit. Today is filming day. The vlog has to be up tomorrow. But (Y/N). It’s not like I can do anything. She is obviously alive just ignoring me. I guess I’ll just have to wait until she comes to me.

I film a bit with Jason and some of the guys at his house. I’m completely distracted. I have so many emotions about this whole (Y/N) situation. I’m scared because I don’t know where she is. I’m angry because she obviously doesn’t trust me to lean on me for anything. I’m worried she might be cheating on me. All the while, I am here at Jason’s house trying to get some footage for the vlog.

 An agonizing few hours later and I’m finally back at my own home. I sit on the couch about ready to order Postmates when I receive a text from (Y/N). I am so shocked I nearly jumped off the couch. I opened the message and all it said was - I’m sorry. I love you.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I called her immediately and it went straight to voicemail. Again. What the fuck? I’m so confused. This girl disappears for over a day. Makes me think she is dead. Then doesn’t answer any of my messages when I know she has her phone on. THEN texts me that she is sorry and loves me. But doesn’t answer when I call her AGAIN. How am I supposed to take all of this? How am I not supposed to suspect she’s cheating. That message looked like a classic cheater message like in those stupid movies. 

I’m pacing all over the living room when Natalie walks in.

Natalie: “David, what’s wrong with you?” She asks concerned.

David: “I’m freaking the fuck out over here Nat. (Y/N) has disappeared and I think she might have been cheating on me. I just don’t know what to think or do Nat.” You sighed in defeat and sit on the couch.

Natalie walks around the couch sitting near David.

Natalie: “Just let it all out David.”

That’s what I do. I tell Nat everything. From my suspicions at the club. To the drunk guy telling me about John. My embarrassingly sad amount of messages and voicemails. Her last message.

As you finish telling Natalie the story, you hear the front door open.

(Y/N)?

(Y/N)’s POV

You got out of the airport and immediately into your uber. You were in the car with your phone in hand and decided that this was the time to listen to all David’s voicemails. On his way to his house is when you decided to do this. You felt so stupid barely listening to them now. You thought to yourself...

What if he tells you at the end of the voicemails that he hates you or something and you end up outside his house crying. Too bad. You disappeared on him and now its time to torture myself with these voicemails.

You listened to each one. David getting more and more desperate to know where you were. This beautiful, pure, kind hearted boy just wanted to know if you were okay. You started crying. His desperation to know if you were okay and safe made you feel like someone actually cared about you. Before this you always thought that you’re mom was the only person who would be affected if anything happened to you. When you found out she died, you felt lost. But, here you were, phone glued to your ear, hearing the boy you loved care about your well being.

You were parked outside of his house now. The thought of going in scared you because you didn’t know how he was feeling now or how you would even explain what happened. You toughened up, walked out of your uber, and into his house straight to where he was sitting in the living room.

He stared at you completely shocked. You didn’t know what to do so you just stood there. He got up from the couch, looked straight into your eyes, and said - you cheated on me didn’t you? He didn’t even wait for me to answer before pacing all over the living room yelling all kinds of gibberish.

Why would you do this to me? (Y/N) I don’t understand what I did wrong? How could you do this to me! We’ve dated for over a year and we loved each other. I don’t understand what happened.

You just stood there like a dead fish. You stared at him pace around and started crying. This was all too much. Your mom, the drugs, and now David thought you cheated on him. He saw you started crying and stopped pacing to walk over to you. He stood only a couple feet away from you when he said.

“What the fuck (Y/N/N)!” David yelled at your already sobbing face. You could feel the tingles on your neck when he yelled at you. You just stood there, in front of him, crying, attempting to hold your head up high. “Spit it out. Tell it to me straight!” He yelled again. 

You straighten your back. Looked him in the eyes with tears rolling down your face and said. “I used again.”

His face softened. “What?” 

(Y/N): “I used again.”

He grabbed you by the wrist and walked you over to the couch. He sat down and patted the spot right next to him for you to sit down too. He faced you and said -

David: “Baby. I need you to tell me everything.”

You sighed and told him everything. You told him how you went out to the balcony for some air at the club when you listened to a voicemail telling you the most devastating news. You told him that your first instinct was to call your old friend John to go back to your old ways of coping. You told him how you flew to Dallas and partied so hard you woke up on the parking lot of an animal shelter. You told him how you saw your old home become a place of sweet nostalgia into a place of deep pain and sadness. You told him how after you saw your mom and talked to the police that all you wanted to do was give him a hug. You told him how when you got back to Johns before leaving to the airport he told you how lucky you were to finally be out of your old life but their current one. You told him every gory detail while he sat there, not a word coming out of his mouth. 

He was silent the entire time only for a few tears to leak out of his eyes. When you finished telling him for what felt like hours, he just sat there staring at you with pure love in his eyes. He grabbed your face with both of his hands and wiped your tears away with his thumb. He got so close to your face that your foreheads were touching, looking into your eyes, he said - you are the strongest woman I’ve ever met. 

You started crying again when those words came out of his mouth. He pulled your face closer so his lips could meet yours. When they connected you could feel the love and care he had for you. The way he kissed you was like he was trying to soothe your pain. As if he were attempting to transfer the pain you felt over to him, so you wouldn’t have to carry the burden. When you both pulled apart, you immediately pulled him in for a hug. You both whispered I love yous to each other until you fell asleep, cuddled in each other’s arms.

#david dobrik #david dobrik fanfiction #david dobrik imagine #david dobrik x reader #david dobrik angst #david dobrik fluff #david dobrik fic #david dobrik x you #david dobrik series #vlog squad fanfic #addicted

[torn-and-frayed]

Unwanted - Send the Pain Below Timestamp

Word Count: 2812

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Warnings: Drug use, addiction, violence, stalking, PTSD, panic attacks, emotional abuse, gaslighting

A/N: This takes place within 1 week of the initial drug overdose. Beta’d by @deanssweetheart23 and @spnskinnyballs

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Anon Requested: For stpb timestamps could you maybe dive more into the readers family? Like her parents and siblings and stuff? It always kinda stuck out to me that when all of this was going on her family never really got involved. 

“Y/N, I heard you had a bit of a rough night.” You sat tucked into the corner of the couch in Dr. Katz’s office, staring at your shoes, picking your cuticles. Your knuckles still wore the bruises and blood stains from the night before. All you could do was nod, not making eye contact. “Jensen emailed me early this morning. He said you were quite intoxicated last night.”

“Yeah.”

“So you remember, then?”

“I do,” you sniffled and found another interesting spot in the carpeting to look at, not wanting to make any kind of eye contact at all.

“What happened to your knuckles? Did you fight with him?” Dr. Katz was so patient and kind with you, the sort of patience and kindness you absolutely didn’t deserve with all your relapses and fuckups. “I can’t imagine you’d get violent with him even in an altered state, and he didn’t mention -”

“No! No.” You shook your head, finally making eye contact. “The wall bore the brunt of it. Then Jensen’s boxing pads. I was already high and super drunk by the time he got home.” You hesitated, not sure if you wanted to relive yesterday or not, but you knew you had to. “Something happened and I handled it badly. Again.”

Dr. Katz furrowed his brows with concern. “With Eli and the case or -”

“No, I wish,” you laughed humorlessly.

Your scenes had finished early in the day, you’d been filming from 4am to 4pm. Jensen on the other hand had night scenes to shoot. You wanted to stay, to drive home together when he was done, but he wouldn’t hear of it. “Go back to the apartment, get some food, try to get some sleep,” he murmured from behind you, his arms wrapped around your middle, kissing right under your ear.

“Jay, I can’t sleep withou -”

“Try. For me? You didn’t sleep well last night either and I know you’re exhausted. Just...take a shower or a bath. Crawl in bed. Read. Watch TV. Listen to music. I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

You reluctantly agreed, allowing Clif to drop you off at home. You decided on a shower, some food, then you made yourself comfortable on the couch with a pile of unopened fan mail to read. It was something you always liked to do, even before all the drama in your life unfolded. But now it was even more cathartic. So many people sent well wishes, cards, gifts, or just offered up stories of their own. Taking the time to sit down and read through them all did genuinely seem to help, at least a little.

By the time you made it to the middle of the stack, you’d worked up a good rhythm. You weren’t really looking at the envelopes as you tore into them, if you had, you never would’ve opened this one.

You knew the perfectly crafted cursive as soon as you unfolded the paper, but it was too late to stop yourself from reading. “Dad…” you murmured, scanning the page.

Y/N,

A few reporters have stopped by recently wanting to know how I feel about you being attacked and your problems with drugs. I tell them they’re mistaken. I don’t have a daughter. I never did.

I can’t help but say I’m not surprised. You’ve always flaunted yourself like a slut. What happened, Y/N? A man finally took interest and you turned him down? Played hard to get and he didn’t like your games so he beat you half to death? So now you’re a drug addict to make yourself look like a victim? But that’s you isn’t it? Always a victim.

That Justin or Jason guy is only with you for a good lay and to make himself look good for his career. You know it, too. What could possibly look better than taking such good care of the fragile, broken little girl in times like these? He’ll be a hero.

I hope the next I hear about you is that you OD’d again and they’re planning your funeral. I’ll show up to that. Just to make sure.

Y/D/N

You watched as Dr. Katz read the crumpled up letter from your father. His face contorted in ways that often looked as though he may cry. “This is horrific, Y/N, there’s no denying that. I understand how it would’ve triggered you.”

You swallowed hard and nodded. “After that...it was like...I wasn’t in the driver’s seat of my own body, ya know?” Dr. Katz nodded, gesturing for you to continue. “I could see what I was doing but it was like...I wasn’t the one doing it. I lost control completely. I lost chunks of time. I don’t remember taking any kind of control back until Jensen got home and by then...I was too far gone.”

Jensen walked in quietly, not wanting to disturb you if by some miracle you had been sleeping peacefully. As soon as he walked in he knew everything was terribly wrong. From the drug residue and empty whiskey bottle next to a letter on the table, to the banging and shrieking coming from the bedroom. He ran to the note first, assuming it was from Eli, but once he read it his heart clenched in his chest.

“Jesus Christ,” he murmured to himself, running to the bedroom to find you with glassy, bloodshot eyes, completely drunk and high, a total wreck, punching the wall as hard as you could over and over with both fists. Your knuckles had already split, blood starting to trickle down your hands.

He ran to you, pulling you away from the wall to stop you from rebreaking your arm. “Stop. Y/N, look at me! Focus on me.” He spun you around in his arms and you squirmed, breaking free and slammed your fist back into the wall.

You heard him rustling around while you continued to pour out every bit of frustration onto the wall, until finally he started yelling to get your attention. “You wanna hit something, huh?” Jensen yelled. “Come on, hit me!”

You turned in shock, only to find him standing there holding up his boxing pads. “Come on, baby. Get it out!” You took a messy swing, in your state you had zero aim. He compensated for you, moving the pads up to meet your fists. You kept swinging, faster and faster, harder and harder, until you couldn’t anymore. You sank to your hands and knees, covered in sweat and tears, completely spent.

Jensen tossed the pads across the room, kneeling down on the ground in front of you, taking you in his arms and pulling you into his lap, your face resting in the crook of his neck while he held you. “You know none of what he said is true, right? I’m not here for publicity or any of that shit. I’m here because I fucking love you.”

Every fiber of your being wanted to believe him, but your father had planted seeds of doubt. Just like he’d done your entire life. All you did was let out a pathetic whimper into Jensen’s neck, letting more tears stream from your eyes, soaking his skin.  

“You wanna talk about it? I know you don’t talk about your family at all and I’m not forcing you to. Just...if you want to…” A violent head shake from you was all the answer Jensen needed to scoop you up and slide up into the bed, resting his back against the headboard and just holding you there while you cried yourself to sleep. Your warm breaths tickling his neck giving him reassurance you hadn’t overdosed, that he’d made it home in time to stop this crisis. He still couldn’t help but wonder what could’ve gone so terribly wrong in your life to make your own father treat you so badly, and if you’d ever have enough trust in him to tell him.

“Y/N, I know you don’t want to, but I think we need to discuss your family if you want to truly start healing.” Dr. Katz said and you swallowed hard, balling your hands into fists. “Now, before we do that, I want to tell you one thing. Jensen is here. He wants to be a part of this if you want him to be. If you don’t then he’ll stay in the waiting room or leave, whatever you want. It’s about you.”

“Jensen’s here?”

“He is.” Dr. Katz nodded. “He wants you to feel safe but he wants to know what happened in your life. He wants to know you better and he says you always run from the subject so if you’d rather tell him here with me then he’ll do that.”

You sat in silence for several minutes, chewing your lip and staring at the floor, picking at your cuticles. You finally got up and walked to the door. Dr. Katz didn’t make a move, waiting to see what you were about to do. “Jensen.” You said it so quietly Jensen barely heard you but turned his head in surprise. “Come on.” You invited him in, holding the door open while he walked in and took a seat. You took your usual seat and Jensen scooted closer, gauging your reaction. He moved even closer when you reached a hand out, lacing it with his and squeezing.

“My parents were...by my dad’s account...super in love,” you started, looking at the hole in your jeans, moving your free hand to play with the threads. “My mom wanted kids so badly. My dad didn’t. He said kids are burdens, leeches, all kinds of things. But for her, he’d have a kid. Me.” Jensen squeezed your hand a little tighter as you spoke, your voice breaking as you continued. “She died 3 days after I was born. Pulmonary embolism. They said it was caused from labor and delivery so...my fault. I killed her. At least that’s what I’ve been told my whole life.” A tear rolled down your cheek and Jensen wiped it away.

“You didn’t kill her, Y/N,” Dr. Katz interjected, “you do realize that, don’t you? There was nothing you could have done. Sometimes these things just happen.”

“Logically, yes. Emotionally, not always,” you sighed, letting all that weight off your chest. “My mom didn’t really have family so I got bounced around from place to place. Sometimes my dad kept me, sometimes he sent me to live in group homes or wherever. He used to throw me into homes for violent and emotionally unstable youth when I wasn’t really either one, so I used to get beat up a lot…”

“Y/N…” Jensen started and froze, swallowing thickly. “Did he ever...I don’t know how to ask you this…”

“Sell me?” You questioned and Jensen nodded. “No, shockingly he didn’t.” You heard the sigh of relief from Jensen immediately after you answered. “He said I wasn’t good enough to sell. Wouldn’t go for high enough.” Jensen tensed at that, if you’d been looking at him you could imagine his jaw clenching at your words. If he ever saw your father you were certain he’d try to kill him.

“You managed to leave.” Dr. Katz cut in. “Tell me about that.”

“I filed for emancipation at 16 and I won. I graduated early, got my passport and I came to Vancouver. Never looked back.” You finally looked up, still not making eye contact with Jensen but looking at Dr. Katz instead.

“That took strength.” Dr. Katz smiled softly. “I know you don’t think or realize that but not a lot of young people in that position could have taken those steps on their own. To get to where you are, become who you’ve become despite your circumstances, that’s no small accomplishment.”

“I - I understand,” you stuttered. You wanted nothing more than to make it through this session. You couldn’t break down in front of Jensen. Not again. You had to get through this so you could make it home to let all the tears flow like you wanted. “I normally have no contact. He doesn’t have any of my contact information. The only one he has is my fan mail address because it’s public and of course my social media accounts if he chose to use the internet. He was never too tech savvy so I doubt he does. I normally recognize his writing and throw out the letters he sends but I was in a zone and I ripped it open and I never should’ve read it and I fucked everything up -” You started to talk faster and faster, your breathing picked up speed, you were spiraling, blaming yourself. Not here, Y/N. Not now.

“Y/N. Focus.” Dr. Katz was calm, reassuring. Jensen squeezed your hand tight, an attempt to ground you to something solid and real, but he stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt your therapist. Dr. Katz watched as Jensen calmed you without a single word. A squeeze of his hand, a lingering kiss to your temple and the panic started to subside. “You handled a bad situation in an unhealthy way. That doesn’t make you a bad person. That makes you human. What I think we should do is focus on things you can do if and when situations like this arise that will help you cope.”

“Like what?” You raised an eyebrow, not able to think of anything else. Every time you got like this everything was a blank and you lost control. Turning to drugs just seemed so easy.

“Journaling, meditation, listening to music, going for a run…” Dr. Katz started listing suggestions and you let out a deep sigh.

“I do...all that. None of it works.”

“What about kickboxing?” Jensen interjected. “Bri takes a class she’d probably love to have the company.”

“Kickboxing?” You scoffed. “I mean...I’m not a boxer, J, I have fight training for the show but that’s - “

“That’s the point.” Jensen chuckled. “You get so mad you wanna hit something, like last night. Kickboxing gives you something to beat up. Plus, you’ll learn self defense so you won’t be so scared when you’re alone. You’ll be able to protect yourself.”

“I think he may be onto something.” Dr. Katz smiled. “What do you think, Y/N?”

“I think I’m gonna call Bri as soon as I get home and ask her if I can tag along one day. See if I like it.” Jensen and Dr. Katz both smiled at you, clearly happy with your decision.

“Well, I think that’s enough for today. I appreciate your honesty today, Y/N. I know how hard this was for you.” Dr. Katz stood up, embracing you in a small side hug. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

The walk to the parking lot with Jensen was silent until you got in his truck. Jensen put the key in the ignition and paused, looking at you. “You don’t need to do that with me, you know.”

“What?” You still could barely make eye contact, staring at his lips instead of his eyes.

“Hold back.” Jensen answered softly. “You’ve been about to burst since you started talking about your dad and you keep pushing it back for my sake. You don’t need to do that. Please just trust me enough to let me catch you when you fall.”

“I do trust you,” you whispered, voice breaking. “I don’t want to burden you with every problem, Jensen. It’s not fair. If I need to cry over the fact that daddy never loved me I can do it alone. I always have.”

“Not anymore. Not ever again.” The dam broke then and the tears started flowing in waves down your face.

“Why didn’t he want me?” You sobbed, your entire body convulsing. “Why didn’t anyone want me?” Jensen hurried to pull you into his chest, rubbing up and down your back, resting his chin on top of your head. “The only person who ever wanted me left me!”

“They’re all idiots.” Jensen spoke softly, rocking you back and forth. “You’re beautiful, funny, intelligent, caring, so loving. Everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m not leaving. I’m never leaving. I promise.”

It was in that moment that you finally believed him. That moment when the mess from your crying had soaked his neck and his shirt and he didn’t bat an eye. That moment when he was crying with you, letting his tears fall freely on you. That moment tangled together in the front of a truck when you realized you could put all of your trust into Jensen. That he was the one person in your life who would never ever hurt you, and you were completely and utterly devoted to spending the rest of your life with him.

Jensen Tags:

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#jensen x reader #jensen ackles x reader #reader x jensen #reader x jensen ackles #jensen x addict!reader #RPF #actor fic #jensen ackles fic #supernatural #spn #spn fic

[studentville-struggles]

On Set

Chris Evans x reader

Multi-part series following the reader's life on the set of the latest Avengers film

Part 1 

Words: 1,448

Warnings: swearing?

—

It wasn't unusual for members of the public to be included as extras when you were closing down streets, or in this case, train stations, for filming. However, it was even rarer for actors to recognise said members of the public when shooting, making the current predicament even more stressful for you. I mean it's not like any of the crew knew, or the cast to be honest.

Two years ago you said 'fuck it', walked into an audition with no manager and by some very substantially sized miracle landed a major role in the new Avengers movie. You moved to Los Angeles, trained with Steve Zim, trainer of Chris Evans (oh yeah, this is the man that carved that Marvel bod) and now you, and spent the last 18 months filming at various locations around the world. So one might say, things have changed. Just a shame about him.

Ignoring what's going on you walk up to Joe Russo who just waved you over to join him, Stan and Evans. Trying to pretend all was okay was going to be a lot easier with all the guys around.

"Yes Mister Boss Man" You might be new but that didn't stop the banter.

"Y/N, please"

"Sorry Joe, we ready to shoot?"

"Is she going to act like she hasn't seen us or has she really not seen us" You could hear them whispering but thankfully you had things to get done.

“Yes, wait no, hang on, you're an outfit ahead Y/N, you should be in the office outfit"  

"You know we're in a train station right?"

"Funny.  BECKY!!" Joe called over your stylist to help sort the issue. She must've known why as she came over with your blouse and pencil skirt in hand. Meanwhile, Chris and Sebastian were mucking around and trying to pull you into it too.

"She knows I'm the better at the stunts she'll back me up" It’s the same thing every day, always so competitive.  

"I want no part of this competitiveness Chris, you know that. Becky, I am so sorry I got mixed up" you said changing the topic to your wardrobe as she came over to you.  

"Aww, that's no fun. C'mon, back me up sugar." Chris always pulled out the pet names when he really wanted something. He might be dressed like the world's worst womanizer but Chris Evans was far more confident than the character he played.

You turned to Sebastian as Joe was briefing the three public recruits as to what they had to do in this scene. All they had to do was cower and gawp, for one scene, then leave the set.  

"Would you be a doll?" You asked Sebastian with a cheeky grin, motioning for him to undo the zip on the back of your dress. He responded with a simple nod and also offered you an arm to lean on whilst you were taking off your heels.

"Not sure they're going to have a clue what Joe is saying, they can't take their eyes off you, Y/N" Sebastian informed you with a hard edge to his voice. Actors changing on set wasn’t an uncommon thing, people staring was just plain rude.

"At least gawping won't be too difficult for them" Chris chuckled. You had to admit, he's not wrong.

Realising you were going to have to intervene, whilst slipping your dress off your shoulders you turned to the gawping men sat on the station bench.  

"If you could try and pay attention to the Director it would be appreciated, we'd like to wrap things up quickly today." You stated matter of factly before spinning back around and thanking Becky for taking the dress off you and winking at Chris who handed you your white chiffon blouse.

Flirting on set wasn't weird or an odd thing that caused schoolgirl giggles, it was basically the most common way to communicate. Weird, but you got used to it. It actually kind of made sense, you all do weird routines and stunts and some of you guys had to make out on set, in front of the entire cast – not a soul willingly misses a kiss scene – so it actually helped dispel any awkwardness or tension. You did have to admit you had a tendency to flirt more with Chris and Sebastian, although most of your time was also spent with them on set.  

The changing on set didn't phase you either. Most people around here had seen you drunk, and you know you're a handful when drunk, you figured this was way more chill. Also, you worked hard to tone up for this film, all that hard work and strict nutrition programme needed to be appreciated, and lord knows you hadn't gotten laid in a while. You definitely had no reason to feel bad about how you looked, even you appreciated the work you'd put in.  

"Positions" That would be your cue to get ready to shoot. Deep breaths, you wouldn't be nervous about this if 'he' wasn't here so let's just ignore that and get on with things. This scene wasn't too long, but it was fairly well rehearsed and needed to be packed full of emotion and drama, meaning you needed to be focused.

"Action!" You walked forwards away from the crowd you were standing with, removing your heels as you inched along the station platform towards the Winter Soldier. In this scene, he was full relapsed Bucky, no control over what was going on.  

"ENOUGH!" You screamed towards the soldier edging forwards. "I'm sorry for this" You whisper to the man still stalking towards you. "ATTENTION SOLDIER" He stopped only a few steps away, looking quizzically at you.  

You stretched an arm out, wanting to place your hand on his cheek affectionately. However, nothing was ever that simple with the Soldier.  

"BUCKY" You screamed as he begun flinging your body to the floor, the terror in your voice clear. He knew that voice and he knew he couldn't hurt you. The Soldier caught you and lifted you back up to him lifting you up so you could wrap your legs around his waist, lips already connected in a passionate kiss. Your hands tangled in his long black hair as his hands went to your back, ripping your blouse open at the back.

"Cut!" You broke apart and Sebastian popped you back on the floor.

"Not bad Y/L/N, I'm almost hoping we need a second take now." He winked at you and you just grinned back.

"Oh, I bet you do Stan. P.S. I love my job" You sing the second half, feigning a swooning motion.

Turning to walk back towards the directors' chair, hair and makeup you heard one of your gawp-ers pipe up.  

"Really, all we get is a 'pay attention to the director' and a strip show?" You didn't know where to start; punch him or curl up in a ball and die. Unfortunately for you, Chris had wandered over to see Sebastian and heard him, and decided to intervene for you.

"Dude really? First, you stare at her changing on set, super creepy by the way, and now you want her attention? She doesn't owe you shit" Chivalry may not be dead after all.

"We used to be engaged Captain dickhead. Oh, and the names Dave." Oh no. He said it now. Now everyone's going to know about all your failures and how shitty pre-Marvel you was.

Tom, who'd come over when Chris started gesticulating at Dave, looked at Chris and Sebastian's faces, turned towards the rest of your friends and simply screamed at the top of his lungs.  

"WE HAVE A CODE BLUE. I REPEAT WE HAVE A CODE BLUE" Really Tom? Really?! Do you really have to call all your friends over using your jokey emergency call?

Scarlet was the first to arrive, trying to figure out what the emergency was. The two of you had bonded a lot over the course of filming, you enjoyed having someone to talk boys with, other than boys, you just happen to have failed to mention this specific boy to her.  

"What's the issue? Who's hurt??" Okay so the miracle of getting into a Marvel film as an inexperienced actor clearly wasn’t enough to make your life weird and unrelatable, why not through in becoming part of that Marvel family the main actors seem to have.

"This dickwad said he was engaged to Y/N” Chris spat. “And seems to think, despite no longer being engaged I might add, that she actually owes him any form of attention. Which she wouldn’t even if you were engaged you piece of shit.”

Kill me now.

—

Part 2 // Masterlist

Please please please let me know what you think of this, I’m still a little baby writer so feedback is a huge thing for me

#studentville-struggles #rachel tries to write #god help you all #marvel fic #chris evans fic #chris x reader #chris evans x reader #cap x reader #steve x reader #baby writer #please help me out #is this okay??? #i always seem to freak in the tags #chris evans #chris fic #marvel chris #On set #on set chris fic

[forget-me-knots-behind-our-eyes]

I’m putting this here as my brain is refusing to let me move on with my morning until I say shit and my private journal isn’t helping right now. 

TW for generally abusive parents, mentions of suicide, and probably more that I just can’t think of right now. 

I don’t know my parent’s version of events and I probably will never know, I’ve pretty much decided against talking to either of them ever again. When I was very little (less than 6), we lived in a few little suburbs in Chicago. The last one we lived in was your stereotypical, white picket fence, doctor and lawyer neighborhood, complete with a chandelier house. The first house I remember living in, I had a terrible dream about an “evil cat lady” that tore out my baby brother’s eyes and killed the rest of my family. The dream terrorized me for a full week before I stopped dreaming altogether. The woman looked distinctly like my mother, but I have left that out of every single retelling I have ever had. 

My mother was a stay-at-home mom during that time, and she spent a good portion of her time with me showing me how to be booksmart and get A’s in school while also telling me exactly how to care for a baby and cook and clean. This started when I was 3. My first ever F was on a spelling test in first grade and I remember bringing it home and thinking nothing of it, after all, it was just a letter. I remember getting relentlessly spanked and from then on I was required to write my spelling words 10 times each and an extra 10 times for every misspelling. I didn’t find out I had dyslexia until I was in college. 

My dad lost his job due to his work cutting his department and on his way out, he shared information with the company that was hiring him, which sparked an entire court case and ended with him being blacklisted in Chicago. I don’t know if this is when he started drinking heavily or if it was before. My mother claims he was drinking excessively long before she met him and my brother has said that my dad’s new girlfriend (T) was told that dad started drinking because he couldn’t deal with my mother. 

My mom managed to find a job in NY, working at a nuclear power station and she found my dad a job at the same plant. So we moved north to live near my grandparents so they could watch us during the day while my dad worked. The commute was over an hour one way. This was one of the few times I could not be a mother to my three siblings as grandma was there to do it for me. I do know my dad was drinking heavily at this point and there were a few times I had to stand up for my siblings so they wouldn’t get beaten. 

On one occasion, we had taken some photos with a disposable camera. My dad went to have them exposed so we could see the photos. Apparently, some of them were revealing (I think it was a butt). Obviously, we should have known that doing so could have my parents thrown in jail and we deserved to be beaten for that. (sarcasm) I’m not sure about other adults, but when you hear a child crying and saying “no don’t hurt him hurt me instead” the thought should be “wait, that’s fucked up” not “okay, I’ll hurt you both.” 

We later moved to a nicer house, closer to our parent’s work. I was told to help out the babysitter as she wouldn’t know what to do and they just needed her there because I couldn’t drive. I was 10. I cooked, I cleaned, I did first aid when the babysitter cut off the tip of her thumb, I did my homework, I looked after my siblings and made sure they stayed out of the way and did their work. Since it was usually just my dad, we could just hide and we’d be fine during his drunk escapades. My mother would come and find us if she didn’t have my dad to scream at. 

10 years old and I had the responsibilities of an adult. And then our school decided to tell us about drug use and suicide. I didn’t even think suicide was an option. I knew hurting myself made my brain feel better, physical pain was easier than emotional and I was careful so that no one would ever see or be able to tell. Suicide was an entirely new concept. And fucked up 11 year-old me decided it was a good idea. I tried, I survived, and I was alone. The only reason I am still here is because my baby sister would have been the one to find me and I couldn’t stand the idea of her handling what I was handling. I told my mom about it years later and she told me I was an ungrateful bitch and that she was suicidal too and had picked a corner to crash her car into. 

I only have snapshots, most everything prior to college is a complete blank. It is blocked out and I am not sure I want it back. 

We moved again. And again. New house same bullshit. I started high school. I was alone most afternoons as I went to a public school and my siblings went to a private Catholic school. My parents, mostly my mother, kept trying to force me to conform with religion. It was something I’d been dealing with my whole life and I had learned to just roll with it and say what they wanted to hear. 

One sunday, my mother gets into her head that Jesus was telling her to send her kids to this private Catholic school 45min away that she saw a billboard for. She had promised me I could stay at the same school for all of high school. I was making friends for once. I was doing sports and enjoying it. I wanted to be left the fuck alone. Saturdays were my rest days and Sundays were the days I finished up any leftover homework. I had a paper due. She knew this. She agreed to let me stay home to finish it before we went to church. Afterward, she demanded that I go to the open house with them. That Jesus told her I had to go. There was no other option for me. She said I hadn’t told her anything and she hadn’t promised anything. 

I finish High School at the Catholic one. Spend the last 2 years in an abusive relationship then getting shunned by the school because he was one of the popular kids and the friends I had made stopped talking to me because I wasn’t gay. (I’m bi and apparently that didn’t fucking count) My one friend left is my spouse now and I love them to pieces, but I still regret attending that school. 

I go to college and the family fucking falls apart. No one knew what to do without me. My dad started going after my siblings more, as did my mom. I came back one summer and said I was going to a party. I was 20 at the time and they said okay, let us know when and where. I told them both. I wrote it on the whiteboard we kept in the kitchen. I reminded them of it every damn day. Day of the party, my mother is out of town and my dad is alone with my siblings. He can’t remember or read the board and interrogates and threatens them. Calls my mom freaking out. Does not text me even once. 

A relative I cared for died and I wasn’t told until after the funeral. My brother became suicidal and I didn’t find out until after they institutionalized him. My parents started divorce proceedings and I wasn’t told until they were halfway through it. 

I stopped talking to my dad after I finally moved all the way out. I had planned to stop talking to my mom as soon as I had my own phone. But then she started going to therapy and taking her meds. She was doing well, so I stayed in touch. She was acting like a mom for once. She had boasted for years about her hitting us to stay in line and that she really only needed to slap me once for mouthing off. She had complained for years that she never wanted kids. 

This past year, she complained more about having kids, and how she was horny and wasn’t fully attracted to the men she was dating. She either didn’t like their mind or didn’t like their body and couldn’t do even a one-night stand if it wasn’t the full package. Well she met Rick a month ago. He’s basically my dad. None of us like him. She’s relapsed into the person she used to be. She got into a fight with my brother and told him that she didn’t care if all of her children left her as long as one person still loved her. She said this in front of my sister who is 15. Who was taken off of her anxiety, depression, and adhd meds because “she didn’t need them” after she forgot to take them for a week and “seemed fine.”

On our vacation a couple of weeks ago, my sister was being a typical 15 year old and my brother was a typical 18 year old and she snapped at my sister. I had told my brother (I have 2 the other is 20 and was the one having the fight) and he told my mom that the reason I had told her to calm down was that she snapped at her and was being a bitch about normal 15 year old behavior. My mother then turned to my sister, who clearly wanted to run away and said “I didn’t snap at you. Right? “ and then didn’t listen when she said kinda. 

My brother was kicked out of the house at the end of the night. She texted my dad saying she was concerned for her safety and had thought about calling the cops. She wouldn’t let him pick up his stuff unless she was there. He had to send my sister. She now won’t let my sister get her stuff unless she goes alone. My dad, who was always a violent drunk, is the safer option right now.

I trust my brother and he says dad ha sobered up and is doing better. The depiction my brother paints of him is the exact opposite of what my mother says he’s been doing. Apparently my dad is being a dad for once. He apparently wanted to reach out and apologize to me, but didn’t because my brothers told him I was still pissed. 

My mother, on the other hand, has left guilt-trippy messages, and tried to message me in ways to get me to respond to her. (Voicemail : Hey just wanted to see how you were doing since I haven’t heard form you in a while and wanted to make sure you were okay. (She had previously said that she wasn’t going to talk to me until I apologized for telling her to calm down after she snapped at my sister) Apparently I have been put on the “do not talk to” list. Don’t know how I got there. If you’re not answering I guess that’s true. (She called me on my busiest night, I wouldn’t have answered anyway) I love you.) A snapchat of “Hey are you okay?” and finally a text of “Do you want me to mail you the dollhouse” (Which was made by my dead Popo).

I’ve decided not responding is better for my mental health since nothing I say will change the outcome of this scenario or undo the damage that she had done. Talking to her will only make it worse. I’m just a bit disappointed that it came to this. But, she always said she never wanted kids. Now she doesn’t. 

#rin rambles #venting #just needed to get this out

[elliotbathory]

The End of the War

Part I: Introduction (An essay relating song lyrics to my mental health issues and addiction, written late 2017) Part II: Confrontation (A journal entry, written upon entering rehab) Part III: Resolution (A short story about ego death, written in rehab)

Part I: A Bigger Paper Bag

From Father John Misty’s album Pure Comedy. The album has had a deep impact on my life and I have an emotional connection with each individual song. Some view the artist as a contrived, self-absorbed, false prophet. I think he knows exactly who is and what he is trying to do. Pure Comedy touches me in a way that no other album since The Who’s Quadrophenia has. I identified with the protagonist, Jimmy, for many years. His depression, his recklessness, his desperate desire to ‘get out [his] head’. Father John Misty has created a sonic place in which I can rest with my deep despair about the state of the world. Dark, clever, occasionally very witty, and of course, real. What follows is an exploration into the many ways in which I, including my inner Jimmy, relate to 'A Bigger Paper Bag’.

“Dance like a butterfly and drink like a fish

If you’re bent on taking demons down with only your fist

And I’ve never known anyone who could lose himself in a bigger paper bag”

I am an Aries. I have a fighting spirit. Demons have plagued me for almost my whole life. The first, that of isolation and inability to communicate. The blockage in my head between thought and expression. The second, the very real and intolerably cruel voice of my mother, which informed the third: the person I became after I left the suffocating suburban reality that Jimmy and I both tried so hard to escape.

He said “My mother got drunk on stout, my dad couldn’t stand on two feet.” And yet when they found out he was using uppers, they kicked him out of the house. Desperate to escape himself, he turned to drugs and wild partying. At the age of fifteen I was so desperate to take speed I used to take 8 pseudoephedrine pills at a time and lay in bed for hours shaking with my forehead pressed to the wall. I was nowhere near cool enough to know anyone who could get drugs.

My mother also drank too much. But then, that was not the trigger for the abuse. It only amplified it. So, to “taking demons down with only your fists.” I’ve used almost every other drug over the years, some quite a lot. But my main crutch has always been alcohol, because as I discovered when I was sixteen, it made me feel normal. It taught me to communicate verbally rather than through writing. I am still not convinced that I can socialise without it.

Naturally, it does not end there. Demons have no courtesy. I’ve been drunk for a very large portion of the last four years. It makes things better, until it makes things worse. It in and of itself becomes a demon. You go from longnecks in the park, to two cheap bottles of red, to finding yourself inside a paper bag, the enormity of which you cannot know. There is endless supply in there.

And as for dancing, well, after a (a lot more than), a few gin and tonics, blue under the light, I used to be quite enchanting on stage.

“The weaker the signal, the sweeter the noise

Hunching over an instrument that you now employ

Like the Starvation Army needs a marching piano in the band”

You can tune those demons out, to an extent. The riot of blood rushing through your head after you huff amyl, their complete, albeit temporary erasure when I used to get lost inside 77 on pills, drunkenness and dancing and revelry and other sounds. Britpop, for example. I no longer know if I identify as a hedonist. What I truly was was an escapist. Not an escape artist, however. My attempts to scale the barbed wire fence of my mind and never look back were always cut short.

You come down. Then you wait until you know you can go back up again. Then you do. My partner gets cranky when I try to go out these days and can’t get into it. I am no longer starving for the things I have in life now, like love, understanding, and happiness. Those situations usually now just remind me of how I tried and failed to find happiness in shallow overcompensations. I always wanted to be fun and cool. I’m not.

“Are you feeling used?

I do”

Yes but let’s not get into that. I used myself and I am ashamed.

“Oh, I was pissing on the flame

Like a child with cash or a king on cocaine

I’ve got the world by the balls

Am I supposed to behave?”

For a few years the diagnoisis that suited me best was bipolar II. Soaring highs, or more commonly, crushing lows. There were times when I was on acid or mushrooms in huge crowds and genuinely felt that the entire situation had been constructed specifically for my friends’ and my enjoyment. Eventually, of course, I fell from that specific hallucinogenic throne in a spectacularly violent fashion and developed actue psychosis.

“What a fraud

What a con”

My specific breed of psychosis was as narcissistic as it was unbearable. I was convinced that everyone in the world knew who I was, and everyone hated me. Because how dare I pretend so long to be happy, to be fun, to be a legitimate person worthy of enjoying life. Jimmy also felt as though he was not truly cool enough to be a mod, and was eventually rejected and ridiculed, confirming his self belief. The film adaptation ends with a long shot of him riding his vespa along the sea cliffs.

I believed there was a global conspiracy against me and its end goal was my suicide. I heard passers by spitting insults at me for months on end. I wonder where I got the idea that anyone would do that?

“You’re the only

One I love”

I didn’t used to believe it was enough to love one person romantically. Or rather, I didn’t feel validated enough by the love of one person. I was suffering a massive defecit of love. I don’t hate myself so much anymore. So now self love has been added, it’s notso much a matter of begging others to throw endless amounts of love into the chasm of my starving soul, but rather being able to participate in the life long work of love.

“It’s easy to assume that you’ve built some rapport

With a someone who only likes you for what you like yourself for

Okay, you be my mirror but remember that there are only a few angles I tend to prefer

I’m only here to serve”

Those first two lines fucking floored me when I first really listened to what they are saying. I learned from quite an early age that all I was good for was my looks. And then sex. So I combined the two to forge an identity that I hoped people would like. An A grade slut, both in my personal life, and professionally. Sexy, easy, available, yours if you want me (please take me I cannot stand myself). Took me a long fucking time to grow out of that. I have never fought as hard against anything and I have come a long way.

“Oh, I was pissing on the flame

Like a child with cash or a king on cocaine

I’ve got the world by the balls

Am I supposed to behave?

Oh, I was dancing 'round the flame

Like a high-wire act with a "who, me?” face

I was living on nothing but water and cake"

Perilously close to oblivion at all times and dangerously self destructive but gosh, wasn’t I good at it? Wasn’t I cute? Didn’t you used to wank to me? I have no idea what kept me together, let alone alive. Natural talent, I suppose. That Aries fight. Against the bored, lonely, suffering person I used to be. Against death, to the death. And death hasn’t won me over yet, seductive bastard that he is.

“What a fraud

What a con

You’re the only

One I love

One I love

One I love”

This isn’t about you, baby. It’s about me, Jimmy, and Father John Misty. But then, we are kindred souls. So I suppose it is. A bit.

 Part II: Confrontation (A journal entry, written upon entering rehab)

17.4.18

I haven’t been remembering my dreams. They’ve been fading so fast. I got 10 hours of sleep after deciding not to attend the NA meeting and having to walk past it anyway to get to the smoking area. I didn’t want to encroach on an experience I don’t share but what’s the difference? Why would I care for legality? It’s strange being here in a ‘good’ patch. No withdrawals, only craving nicotine. Am I here not to get ‘better’, but ‘even better’? I’m not sure how I feel. A little alien. Just letting myself think and waiting for anything significant. Being here is symbolically significant. I’m here to learn coping skills and relapse prevention, that’s it. It doesn’t have to provide anything deeper or provoke feelings of profundity. It’s basic shit. I’m an alcoholic and I don’t want to go back to problem drinking.

Where is the fear and pain I felt yesterday? What was the purpose of it? Knock out a rehab stay while I don’t have work/uni commitments and hope I fucking learn for when I do. The best I can do is be present. I am scared that I still don’t know exactly what I’m studying towards. I’m probably not as smart as I presume. What is my lot in life going to be? A job I like and a husband I adore? God, spare me. I’m having a crisis of personality. Intensity and extremity are not useful defining characteristics. Yet being a good, switched on, and fairly interesting person doesn’t feel like enough. How can I relate person to person when I see my own character as lacking? If we are all fundamentally valid and complex as individuals this negative self-assessment automatically carries across to others. I am ashamed not by how boring I feel I am, but why this baseless critical judgement feels so important. My amorphous, superficially high standard insults everyone.

Why is suffering interesting? Why is ‘different’ interesting? Why can’t I conceive of the mid-ranges of reality as interesting, am I that lacking in curiosity and imagination? I’m used to being overstimulated. Or pissed. I am not attuned to subtlety. It is harder work to find wonder in the mundane. Such a vain conquest, so incredibly shallow to attempt to make my life interesting using self hatred as a form of performance art. No one is interested in the creative flair with which you can wield that. Being alive and burning despite things is not impressive if you’re purposefully making life hard for yourself. I don’t really know where I sit with that, though. My mental torment created the life I had. It’s not that I didn’t want to get better. I just took too much pride in how much I could relish in how fucked up I was.

The hereness and newness of myself is queer because it is complete but also completely lacking in drama. I don’t know what foot to start on if not shock value. I’m a recovering alcoholic, a reformed self loathing attention seeker. What am I inviting people to see if not a hot mess? A tepid, anxious 27 year old boy. My social stance is defensive. Find my projected self interesting but do not attempt to actually know me. I am too fragile, too sad, too boring. I don’t want these human frailties to be levelled with so I cast them up high, make an overexaggerated display of them. I’m not doing that anymore. Take me as I am, whatever that is, but also don’t because I don’t know what that is and I won’t make any efforts to help you find out either. So it seems like I want to be left alone but I have been alone on my plinth celebrating my vain, personal self loathing for so long I am starved for human connection. I was lying the whole time. I am one of you. It is still embarrassing to admit.

 Part III: Resolution (A short story about ego death, written in rehab)

30.4.18

So you arrive on your own doorstep one day, right? You would never come to yourself at a time like this, the you that suffers knows he’s not exactly wanted, but he is desperate. There is nowhere else to go, every safe haven is closed or gone. You’re tired, cold, and soaking wet. It’s pouring because of course it is. A few hours pass and your ego, comfortable inside, decides to take a chance and let you in. You’ve been screaming and pleading for hours. “Let me in, LET ME IN!” You collapse fully clothed in a hot shower while your various self conceptions tut and fuss, bitching about the decision. “Family,” some of them say uncertainly, “That’s what we’re for, right? People say that kind of stuff when they love irredeemable fuckstains, yeah?” They don’t actually know this, and the other parts of your ego are by turns confused and furious. “What the fuck, guys? He’ll be fine, he’s always fine, get him out of here!” “You fucking IDIOTS! WEAK! This is NOT what’s supposed to happen, this is not what we do!”

They’re all running around swearing, aggressively and resentfully caring. Like the first time you ever got drunk by yourself to make yourself feel better before your year 10 half-yearlies. How you remember sitting naked in the shower with your head lolling, parents freaking out. Meanwhile, you are there again. Bewildered. Overwhelmed, barely responsive. But you’re wide awake. Layers and layers of clothes, costumes, identities weighing your body down as the warm water soaks through. Something clicks and you realise it makes no sense to be fully dressed in the shower. As a token act to bring normalcy to the situation, you start to take the layers off. The process of removing them all takes a while, but once it is done you feel as though it happened in the blink of an eye.

“Huh.” You say, looking down at your own body. “Is this what I look like?” It’s a significant action in the symbolic world, taking off your clothes. It never felt like it was before. You didn’t understand the meaning of exposing yourself, of vulnerability. You just did it cos you had a malformed concept of fear. Scary things are good for you, they make you stronger. A seemingly contradictory belief that laying your flaws out on the table prevents people from abusing you for them. Nothing can hurt you when you are made of hurt. It is different completely, however, to reveal yourself to yourself. You’re there naked in the bathroom, looking at yourself as though you’ve never seen yourself before.

Your ego, anxieties, notions of your self that you’ve constructed are all pacing around frantically, fighting with each other about who’s right and what’s the best course of action. None of them ever had a contingency plan for acknowledging the hurt. Confronting the core of who you are. Their very existences are reliant upon dividing the self into these fragments. The elephant in the room of your life is in the fucking bathroom doing god knows what. He’s been in there for hours.

Back to you there. With all the layers removed, you turn on the light. It’s a lot like tripping. What you see in the mirror you know to be yourself, but the image feels so foreign. Stranger still is how separate the amalgamated pile of faces you used to wear looks there in the corner, apart from you. Not, as you believed so deeply, parts of you. They grow irrelevant as you trace your finger over your reflection. “Fuck. Is this who I am?” After a little while you start to think your time in there might be worrying all of the other selves, and they really didn’t want to let you in, so it would only be right to go and let them know you’re okay. You’re not going to cause any trouble. You’re grateful. None of the clothes on the floor are suitable to wear, so “Fuck it,” You think, and walk out. The exhibitionist, the slut, and the hippie were all naked anyway.

The place is empty, dead quiet. For some reason it feels like it has been for a while. You’re confused, are they playing a trick? After wandering around for a while you decide to make a cup of tea and have a cigarette. Make yourself at home, as it were. It’s nice to be out of the storm, relaxing and enjoying your own company. You don’t need the assistance of your ego selves to do that anyway. You are allowing yourself residency in your own mind, this overexposed, brutally hurt self. The hurt doesn’t feel very present though, strangely. You thought yourself to be the suffering person. That’s why they didn’t want you here. The situation leaves you bizarrely unphased. Things that should be scary tend not to be, right? You’re just rolling with it, acting like the place is all yours while the selves are elsewhere.

You can’t quite believe it, both that they actually relented when you were banging the door down, and that you got into a situation so fucked you needed to seek the help of the conscious collective. You usually just communicate via proxies. “I’m here, how weird.” You think. Perfume Genius is playing and the sound quality is fantastic. Walking back into the bathroom to pee, you notice the pile of clothes has vanished. The trippy feeling you had before settles on you again and you look to the mirror. Your eyes widen as you see all your selves, the shades of ego and anxiety, floating behind you, faint as ghosts. You see the Party Girl, the Masochistic Martyr, the Stubborn Whore. Their faces are passive and kind. Something you’d attribute to the relief of death.

You lived through them, they lived as you so you could survive. They panicked when you got here, begging to be let in. Because your arrival signified their exit. With your presence, in your self and reality, false constructs fall away. You are the spirit that persisted, the soul that endured. Their service was for one end, and that was getting you here. Everything they protected you through, all of the lessons they helped you learn are intact, part of you as a whole. You’re left staring at the naked truth of who you are. None of the people you’ve been fought in vain. The end game was always unity.

From the other room you hear the piano player playing “This Must Be The Place” and you think: it’s a miracle to be alive. You exit the bathroom into the rest of your life, hearing someone say “Pleasure to meet you!” It’s a pleasure to meet you, too. You are the resurrection, and you are the light you needed to let in. You could only bring yourself to hate yourself for so long. A spark, a flame, a bang, a phoenix. You see yourself rising in the vast and limitless universe. Within and without, at peace, as one.

#essay #journal #short story #alcoholism #ego death #survival #mental illness #self actualisation #sobriety

[thefinny-d]

Where The Sky Hangs

Tagging: Finn & Rachel Location: Bar & The Apartment Notes: When Finn receives a call from Rachel, he immediately becomes worried that all the progress they had made is falling behind.

Rachel felt like everything had fallen apart in front of her eyes. She knew that she had to give her dads a chance. They had really done a lot for her when she was younger and even if they were shitty parents, she wanted to at least hear them out. She had been moments from writing a check for them before they had tripped up on their story of why they needed it, and well, honestly, she could feel herself entirely snap. She hated that it was the same stupid game of lying to her and being shitty parents. She wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but again, they had proved her wrong. They proved to her that they really didn't deserve a place in her life. Rachel knew that she should have just went home, but the second she was walking away from a fight with them, she felt like she did when she was in high school. She felt like she did when she was going to college and they found an excuse to fight with her about anything that she did. It was feeling like her old self that had her sitting at a bar, a drink in hand. "Fucking assholes," She mumbled to herself, looking into her glass as she felt her vision go fuzzy slightly. When she called over the bartender again, she asked for another drink, also getting a shot of tequila. She knew how to finesse her way into getting more alcohol even if she was sure that she should have been cut off long ago. She was enjoying herself for the most part. She was able to just go out and dance and have fun and just not think about anything. Feeling numb had been something she hadn't felt in what felt like a lifetime and it felt way too familiar. She missed it and she missed resorting to this even if it really had been the worst part of her life. After taking the shot back and holding onto her glass, she took in a shaky breath, supporting herself slightly as she leaned more against the bar. She had felt great before and she liked feeling numb and forgetting everything, but she almost forgot the part she hated -- the part where she started to feel sick and started to feel too incoherent to actually function. Before she knew it, she was reaching into her pocket and pulling out her phone, scrolling through her recent calls to find Finn's name. When she did, she immediately started to call him, her waiting for the ringing tone to stop before she started to speak, hoping that he was actually on the other line. It was loud, but she hoped that he was able to hear her. "H-hey, Finn," She mumbled into the phone, her words already starting to slur together. Tears stung at her eyes as she gripped onto the phone, sniffling slightly as she looked into her drink. "I need you to pick me up," She managed out, her heart breaking as she let the words out. She didn't want to say where she was, especially because she knew that she could already sense the disappointment coming from him. "I really need to go- I mean, I- I need to come home." She mumbled, gripping onto the phone tightly. "I fucked up, Finn. Really bad," She whimpered slightly before bringing her glass to her lips, taking a long sip and shutting her eyes as she tried to concentrate on the phone in her hands.

Finn had been thinking about Rachel the whole time he was at work, knowing that she was going to speak to her fathers. He hated that they always made everything so difficult for her and he really hoped that this time things were different. Both of them had pretty bad relationships with their parents and he wished that they could change that. He wished that they could somehow repair their families but he knew it was just wishful thinking. A sigh escaped his lips as he left work, making his way quickly to his car. He had gotten out much later than he had planned and he hoped desperately that Rachel was still awake so they could talk about their days. The second that he sat down in his car, his phone rang and Finn's eyes lit up and a smile formed on his face when he saw his fiance's name pop up. "Hey, baby. I just got out of work. It's like you're psychic." The smile on his face immediately faded, however, when he heard Rachel's voice. Was she slurring her words? He could tell that she was crying as well and immediately his heart dropped into his stomach as he gripped his phone tightly. "I - okay, baby. I can pick you up. Where are you?" he asked her as he started up his car. "Okay, we're gonna get you home, I promise." When she told him that she had fucked up, Finn bit down on his lip as he started driving towards the bar she was at. "Baby, you didn't fuck up. It's okay to make mistakes," he told her. "I'm on my way to you, Rach. I'm gonna hang up now, okay? Just - just stay where you are." As Finn drove, he clenched his jaw to try and hold back his emotions. He was disappointed, he was but more than anything he was worried. Rachel was everything to him and lately she had been doing so well with her addiction. She had been so strong. To know that she had relapsed, that she was drunk again - god, he couldn't believe this was happening, not again. When he arrived at the bar, Finn parked his car and quickly hurried inside, his heart breaking when he looked across the crowd of people and saw his girlfriend sitting at the bar sipping on her drink. He quickly pushed through everyone and made his way towards her, his hand moving to rest gently on her shoulder before he sat down beside her. "Rachel," he breathed out as he looked at her, his eyes filled with worry as their gazes met. "I - how much did you drink, Rach?" he asked her, not even knowing what to say since he was so surprised that she had relapsed.

Rachel hated this. She hated that she had to call him and that she had to make him worry even if she knew that he would want to worry about her. "Mhm. You can hang up," She mumbled out, her locking her phone before putting it back into her pocket. She knew that Finn was probably angry at her and she didn't blame him. She didn't blame him for being upset and she really wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave. Rachel wasn't sure how long he had been gone, but it felt like the minutes blended into one another, her just sipping at the tiny bit that was left of her drink. When she felt a hand on her shoulder, she looked over and saw Finn, her heart breaking in her chest. "Hi," She said, looking at him before drunkenly pushing her glass a bit away from her. Her hands kept on the bar for a moment before she turned towards him again and brought a hand drunkenly to her forehead to rub at it for a moment. "I- I don't know. A lot. I started to feel shitty so I- I knew I needed to go home." She mumbled out, her moving to get off of the bar stool before she held onto him slightly to steady herself. "Fuck," She breathed, shutting her eyes for a moment. "I haven't stood up in a while. You always feel drunker when you stand up." Rachel held onto his shirt as she looked at him, holding herself up fully. "Can we just go? I don't... I can already see how you're looking at me and I don't want everyone to look at me like that here, too." Rachel let go of him and tried to start walking out of the bar, knowing that she'd at least be able to move knowing that Finn was watching her and that he could help her if she needed help. When she stumbled slightly into someone, she giggled before standing up fully again. "Shit, sorry." She said, standing up fully again and starting to walk towards the exit. Once she was outside, Rachel moved to lean against the wall, her forehead resting against it as she took in a deep breath. Rachel looked down as she felt her entire world spinning. A part of her really hoped that she didn't get sick, especially because she hadn't picked up a drink in an eternity and she definitely didn't have a lot of strength to stop herself from ordering more to drink all night. "Where did you park?" She barely managed out, pushing herself away from the wall and struggling to focus her vision as she looked at him.

Finn hadn't experienced Rachel drunk in so long and a part of him had forgotten what it was like. "You definitely need to go home," he said softly, feeling his heart continuing to sink into his stomach as she got up from the bar stool and stumbled into him. Finn moved his hands to her hips in an effort to steady her, not wanting her to fall over and hurt herself. "You always feel drunker when you stand up," he repeated softly, unsure what to say to her. "Yeah, I - let's go home, baby. And I - I'm sorry, I'm not trying to look at you in any bad way." Finn walked with Rachel towards the exit of the bar and when she stumbled into someone, he immediately moved his hand to her lower back in an effort to help steady her as best as he could. His heart truly was broken seeing her like this and while he understood that relapses happened, it scared him to think of things going back to the way they had been before. God, he just wanted them to be okay. He wanted her to be okay. Once they were out of the bar and she was leaning against the wall, he looked at her worriedly. "I didn't park far, babe. But I - let me help you, okay? Let me help you to th car." Finn wrapped his arm around her waist as led her towards where he had parked and once he had gotten her in the passenger seat, he leaned into the car to buckle her seat belt for her. Fuck, he was getting bad flashbacks to when this had been a regular thing and his heart lept into his throat as he felt fear consume him. He was so worried about her, so scared for her and he knew that he just wanted her to be okay. He loved her too much to ever let her addiction take over her. "You know it scares me when you get like this, Rach," he said softly as he gripped the steering wheel, his eyes clouding with tears for a moment as emotion swept over him. "I um - I'm just glad you called me." Finn didn't really know what to say while she was still drunk because he knew that it was difficult to have a serious conversation until she was sober. It didn't take long for them to get home and once Finn parked the car, he got out and hurried over to the passenger side to get her out. "Come on, Rach," he said softly as he helped her out of the car, keeping his arm wrapped around her as they began to head back to their apartment. He was so worried about her, so concerned about what had happened between her and her dads and he knew that they had so much to talk about.

Rachel nodded as he told her he wanted to get her to the car, her walking next to him as he led her to where he had parked. "Fuck," She breathed the second she was sitting down, letting her head fall back against the head rest. She hated this. She hated feeling like she had no control over herself even if she loved how it felt to get to this point. His words made tears rise in her eyes, her sniffling as she looked to the window. "You haven't said that to me in forever," She mumbled, her voice getting caught in her throat as she felt emotion start to bubble up. Rachel couldn't do this and she knew that she couldn't cry in front of him. Not right now. "Who else was I gonna call, Finn? You were gonna have to find out eventually and I- I wanted you to just-" She stopped herself, unsure of what she was even trying to say. "I don't know. I just- I needed you." When they eventually got to their apartment, she let out a deep breath as she moved to the couch, allowing herself to sit down and relax. "I'm sorry," She breathed out, leaning her head back to look up at the ceiling. "They fucking lied to me. How the fuck do you lie to your daughter about losing your job? They lied right to my face, Finn." She said before moving to sit up more correctly again, one hand steadying herself slightly. "They're fucking dead to me," She breathed out, looking over at Finn. "I just- I know this is the last thing you want to do. I know you don't want to take care of me after you just took care of all of this people at work but I just- I didn't know who else to call, you know? Taylor and Jeremy would have just called you and Mia is probably drunk and I- I feel like shit. It always feels so good until you start to feel like shit. I just starting taking shots and then... I don't know. I- I lost track and I just kept drinking and I didn't think about what I did until I started to feel like shit. How fucking shitty is that? I was trying so hard. I really was, I promise. I tried so hard all of the time and I haven't had anything in forever and I- I felt like the old me and I just got carried away. I felt like I couldn't stop," She breathed out, shutting her eyes for a moment.

Finn couldn't believe that this was happening. Seeing Rachel drunk made him feel as though he had gone back in time and it broke his heart to hear her slurring her words, to see her struggling to stand on her own. He felt relieved once she was sitting on the couch and he looked down sadly when she apologized. "I know you are, baby," he whispered. Finn made his way to the kitchen as Rachel spoke, filling up a glass of water before he walked back over to her and sat down beside her. He placed the glass on the coffee table, hoping that he'd be able to get her to drink a little of it. "I'm sorry, Rach. I'm sorry they lied to you. They're assholes." Finn hated her fathers for treating her so horribly, he hated them for putting her through so much pain to the point of making her jeopardize her sobriety. "Hey, don't worry about me, Rach. I want you to call me. I want to take care of you - I always want to take care of you." Finn smiled sadly at his fiance and as she spoke about drinking, he looked down sadly. "I know you were trying hard, Rachel. I know you were. You just - you relapsed," he breathed out. "And that's okay. Relapsing is okay because that... that happens." Finn stopped speaking for a moment before a shaky breath escaped his lips. He didn't want to upset her when he knew she already felt bad but he couldn't help but feel emotional about the fact that she had drank again. Rachel was his everything and he was terrified of losing her. He was terrified of her addiction because he didn't want it to steal her away from him, away from herself the way that it had to his mother. The way that it had to Josh. "It scares me to see you like this," he told her, his voice shaking as he looked over at her, his eyes meeting hers for a moment. "I know that your dads really hurt you, Rach. They've hurt you your whole life and they hurt you again and the way that they treat you is so wrong. But you - you can't cope with it like this, Rachel. You can't and you know that." Finn bit down on his lip as he shifted his gaze to the floor once again. "Drinking doesn't fix anything, you know that, Rach. It just - it just hurts you and I don't want to see you hurting." Finn sighed softly before he took her hand gently in his and offered her a sad smile. "Um - I got a glass of water for you. Are you feeling okay or do you need anything?" he asked her worriedly, trying his best to just focus on helping her feel better since he knew she was too drunk for them to talk too seriously just yet.

Rachel looked at him as he spoke, her sighing gently before he sat down beside her. "I know you wanna take care of me but you shouldn't have to take care of me. It's not like I'm your child." She said, her sniffling slightly before she looked down. Finn knew that he was right. She couldn't cope with anything like this but this was the only way she knew how. She had gotten a little better at talking to Finn when she was overwhelmed or something, but this had just been the one thing that pushed her over the edge. "Relapsing isn't okay. This shit shouldn't happen. I was fine for so long and I fucked up, Finn." She breathed out, looking away. She only looked back to him when he spoke again, tears rising in her eyes before she let them fall, wiping them away drunkenly with her hand that wasn't in Finn's. "I'm okay right now. I'm not gonna throw up." She looked at him before looking down, sitting up more and leaning forward as she pulled her hand away from his. She looked at her hands and when she caught side of her engagement ring, she sniffled, her thumb playing with the ring before she pulled it off, her looking at Finn with tears in her eyes as she gave it to him. She put it in his hand and she felt herself start to cry, her bringing a hand to her mouth as she tried to calm herself down. "I'm really sorry, Finn." She choked out, shutting her eyes tightly. "You don't have to stay with me if I'm gonna fuck up again, okay? I can't keep doing this to you and I know that you're disappointed in me. I can see it in your eyes." Rachel tried to calm herself down but it honestly felt impossible. "If you don't want to keep doing this it's okay," She managed out through her tears. "You've fixed so many people but you're never going to be able to fix me all the way." She mumbled, wiping at her eyes before she felt more tears fall when she didn't see her ring there. It had been on her finger for what felt like so long and felt so strange to not see it there anymore. Finn deserved so much better than her and she had tried to tell him that from the beginning even if he never wanted to believe her. "I'm not gonna keep fucking up but if I do I can't make you upset with me all of the time. I can't do this to you when all you want is a fucking... a fucking normal life. You deserve a normal family and not some girl that can barely take care of herself let alone a family."

Finn looked at Rachel with sadness in his eyes as she spoke. "Baby, relapses happen. Please don't beat yourself up over this," he told her, knowing that the last thing he wanted was for her to feel worse. When she started crying, he felt his heart break in his chest. His gaze followed hers as she looked to her hand and when she took her engagement ring off, Finn bit down on his lip. When she handed the ring to him, he just looked at her with sadness in his eyes. It always broke his heart when she expressed to him how down on herself she was. It broke his heart to see her cry and he knew that he needed to help her get through this. He needed to make sure that she was okay. "Rachel, please don't be sorry," he breathed out. "I'm not trying to fix you, baby, I'm just trying to help you. I'm just being here for you." Finn looked at her with sadness in his eyes before he took her hand in his and gently slid her ring back onto her finger. "Rachel, I'm marrying you. I want you for the rest of my life. I don't want a normal life, I want you. I want whatever life it is that I can have with you." Finn offered her a sad smile before he moved closer to her, wrapping his arm around her while he brought his hand to rest gently on her cheek. "Look at me, baby," he whispered as he brushed away her tears with his thumb, just wanting to help her feel better in any way that he could. "I love you so much, you know that, right? I'm so, so in love with you. I'm never going to give up on you, you hear me? I'm never going to give up on you - on us. You have an addiction Rachel and it - it's scary. Seeing you like this is scary because I just - I don't want you to have on drink too many. I don't want to lose you." Finn let out a shaky breath as he looked into her eyes, knowing that he just wanted her to understand that he wasn't going anywhere. God, he couldn't go anywhere. He couldn't leave her. "Even though it's scary, I'm still not going to leave. You're my best friend, Rach. My best friend and the girl I love and I'm not going to abandon you when you need me the most. So you... you better keep that ring on, okay? Because I plan on making you Rachel Hudson no matter what we go through along the way to getting there."

Rachel sucked in a breath as he slid the ring back onto her finger, her sniffling. She looked into his eyes as he spoke and she whimpered gently as he pulled her into his arms. She didn't want Finn to leave, but she knew that she wouldn't blame him if she kept hurting herself and she ruined any hope for them to actual have some kind of normal relationship. Crying slightly against him, she tried to calm down as guided her to look at him. She looked at him as tears rolled down gently down her cheeks, trying desperately to calm herself down. She wanted to believe him and she really tried to. She knew he wouldn't lie to her, not when she was like this. Sniffling gently, she nodded as she tried to focus on him. She looked down for a moment before looking back into his eyes. God, she loved him. She loved how he wanted to be here for her and how he wanted more than anything to love her and to help her with whatever she needed. "I'm sorry," She mumbled before leaning forward to relax in his arms, her holding onto him gently as she took in shaky breaths to calm herself down and to stop herself from crying. "I love you. 'M sorry, Finn. I- I want to be good. And I- I'm trying, I am. I know that you say that this... this happens," She mumbled drunkenly before continuing, "But it shouldn't. And I- I didn't think it would happen again. I didn't." She breathed, biting down on her bottom lip. "I love you, Finn. And I- you're my best friend too. I promise I'm gonna be good. I... I'm trying so hard to be good. For me, y'know? Because when we fought all of that time ago you told me I couldn't do it for you. I had to do it for me." She mumbled drunkenly against him, resting comfortably before she rubbed at her eyes again. "I need you. I can't have you leave but I didn't want to- to force you to stay. I wanted it to be okay. I'm gonna try not to do this again. But I- If I screw up I'll try and be better. I'm gonna try. I promise. But... but I just- I need you to be there for me."

Finn closed his eyes when Rachel moved into his arms. He held her tightly as he focused on the feeling of her against him. He wanted to memorize every single moment of being with her like this, of holding her like this because it scared him sometimes when he thought about how she got when she drank. It scared him to think about losing her because he knew that he wouldn't be able to handle it. God, if anything happened to her he knew that he would lose himself as well. "I know you're sorry, baby," he whispered softly as he held her tightly in his embrace, his hand running up and down along her back soothingly. She was so, so drunk but he also knew that she truly was sorry. He knew that she didn't want to be like this. She didn't want to be the person she had once been. She wanted to be stronger - she was stronger. "I love you too, Rach. And I know you didn't think this was going to happen." When she told him that she was trying hard to be good for herself, he couldn't help but smile softly as he held her tightly in his arms. "I know you are, baby. You are doing it for you because you deserve it. You deserve to be healthy and happy, you know? Look how good you've been doing? You had a whole tour and you were sober. You had a song with Ed Sheeran because you were sober and focused. You're so strong, baby. You're so strong and independent and every day you're getting better. Every day you're becoming a better version of yourself." Finn pressed a kiss to Rachel's cheek, before he wiped away the remainder of her tears gently with his thumb, wanting to help her feel a little better in any way that he could. "As long as you try, I'll be here, okay? I love you, Rach and I'm not going anywhere. I don't care how long it takes for you to get sober, I will be here by your side every step of the way. I know you need me and I hope you know that I need you too. I've needed you since I was eighteen years old." Finn offered Rachel a small smile before he leaned down to press a soft kiss to her lips. As he pulled away he ran a hand gently through her hair, knowing that he loved her more than anything. "Do you think you can drink a little water for me, Rach? And then we can get you ready for bed and lay down together."

Rachel knew that she was terrified of going through all of this all over again. She was tired of doing this and going back into this horrible routine that she knew was absolutely horrible. She always felt like shit and she knew that Finn hated seeing her like this. She hated being like this and she hated feeling like she had no control over herself. As Finn held her more tightly in his arms, she let out a soft breath, nodding. "It was... it was so hard, you know? Being on tour and having everyone around me drinking. I almost went out so many times but I didn't because I didn't want to... to do this again," She breathed out, her just resting drunkenly against him. Looking up at him as he rubbed at her cheek with his thumb she took in a deep breath. "I always need you," She murmured, looking at him before smiling drunkenly as he pulled away from their kiss. "I- yeah, I can drink water. Is it cold? Because I only like cold water," She rambled drunkenly before sitting up a little bit more against him and leaning forward to reach for the glass on the table. "Wow. It's so heavy." She said, a soft laugh escaping her lips before she brought the glass to her lips, trying to take a slow sip before she spilled some of it over herself and put the glass down. "Fuck. Woops," She said, taking another long sip of the water before putting it down on the table. Rachel leaned forward and ran her hands over her face. "Finn, I don't wanna have to get dressed," She mumbled out before she leaned back against the couch to look over at Finn. "Finn, can you help me? I can... I can get dressed I think I just- I need help getting over there. I feel like everything is spinning." Rachel hated this. She hated that this was what everything had come to. "I don't wanna do this anymore. I can't keep doing this. This is how I lost you the first time. I can't do it again. I promise that I- I'm gonna keep trying. I'm not gonna be perfect but I promise that I'll really try."

Finn nodded as Rachel spoke. "I know the tour was hard for you, baby. I know it was so difficult but you did it, you know? You stayed sober and I'm so proud of you for that." When she told him that she needed him, that she always needed him, Finn held her tightly in his arms. He knew that she needed him and he always felt such an overwhelming urge to protect her. The scary thing was knowing that often times he was protecting her from herself. "Yeah, it's cold water, baby," he said with a slight laugh as he watched her reach for the glass of water. Finn ran his hand up and down along her back as she took a sip, him watching her worriedly when she spilled some of it on herself. It scared him to see her so out of it and he knew that he had to help her get out of this cycle of drinking whenever she was overwhelmed. "I mean, you're not really getting dressed, baby. More like getting undressed," he said with a slight laugh as he looked at her, resting his hand on her knee as she leaned back against the couch. "I can help you, baby. Let me get you to our room, okay? I'll get you all settled in bed and then we can just go to sleep." Finn got up from the couch and his heart broke as she talked. "You're not going to lose me, okay? I know you want to try and as long as you try, I will be right here beside you, I promise." Finn leaned down to scoop Rachel up into his arms and brought her into their bedroom, gently laying her down on their bed. "Okay, let me help you get out of these clothes, okay?" He eased her shirt up and over her head before he helped her out of her shorts. "Do you want one of my shirts to sleep in?" he asked her as he looked at her with a sad smile on his face. It scared him how much he felt as though they were in the past. While he understood that relapses were a part of the path to sobriety, a part of him had just assumed that Rachel had overcome her addiction. A part of him had just wanted to forget about that time and he hadn't allowed himself to think of it at all. As he stood at the foot of the bed looking down at his girlfriend who was wasted out of her mind, he hoped desperately that this wouldn't be the norm again. "I love you so much, you know that, right?" he told her as he leaned over her to press a kiss to her lips. "I promise I'm always going to be right here for you, baby," he breathed out between soft kisses before he pulled away, biting down on his lip as he moved to stand up fully once more.

Rachel looked over at him and nodded as he spoke, her holding onto him as he picked her up. She wrapped her arms around his neck and she took in a deep breath, trying to stop her world from spinning with the fast movement of him walking. This was all such a foreign feeling yet it was also so familiar. "Yeah, I want one of your shirts." She mumbled out, closing her eyes for a moment as she looked at him. Rachel hated the way she was. She really thought that things were fine, but once she had fought with her fathers, she really honestly felt like she had been transported back in time. She didn't feel like she was the one recovering from an addiction. She just felt like the same old scared Rachel. As soon as she was dressed she looked at Finn and sighed at his words. "Y-yeah. I know," She whispered. "I love you, too." As he leaned over her, she kissed him back softly, his kiss the only thing keeping her grounded. When he pulled away, she tried to fix herself on the bed more comfortably, sighing as she held onto her pillow. She was afraid to see the look on his face, especially because she knew it would just make her feel worse. "I love you so much, Finn." She murmured into her pillow, turning herself onto her side so her face wasn't in the pillow. "And I really love that you still want to marry me because I really want to marry you. And then- then we can have kids and I can make you happy. All I want to do is make you happy," She said drunkenly as she moved to look at him, her sighing as she looked away. "I promise I'm gonna be sober for our wedding. And I won't even have any champagne, okay? I'll have fake sparkly stuff so I feel included." Rachel looked at the ring on her finger and she bit down on her bottom lip gently before shutting her eyes. "Can you hold me?" She asked suddenly, not even looking at him. "You don't have to if you don't want to but I want you to. Just until I fall asleep. Because I really just wanna be close to you and... and feel your hands on me for a little."

Finn slipped his t-shirt over Rachel's head and he felt his heart break knowing that this was all too familiar to both of them. It made him so sad to know that she felt so broken, that she felt so torn apart because of her fathers. The two of them shared a loving kiss and when she settled back onto the bed, Finn moved to change out of his work clothes. "I love you too, Rachel," he said softly as he undressed, his eyes on her as she faced away from him. "And I really want to marry you too. I want all of that with you," he whispered. When she glanced over at him, Finn felt his heart ache painfully for her in his chest. "I know you want to make me happy, Rach. You do make me happy." When she told him that she would be sober for their wedding, that she wouldn't even have any champagne, he nodded and looked down for a moment. Once he was down to his boxers, he moved onto the bed beside Rachel and sighed softly as he got under the covers with her. When she asked him if he could hold her, Finn looked at her sadly before he immediately shifted closer to her. "Of course I want to hold you, Rach." He slipped his arms around her waist and tugged her back against him, knowing that he just wanted to feel her body against his. There were no words that could explain how much he loved Rachel and he knew that he would do anything for her. "Baby? Please never think that I wouldn't want you because of this, okay?" he breathed out as he held her close, his hand slipping beneath the fabric of his t-shirt she was wearing and resting gently on her hip. He brushed his fingers against her smooth skin, knowing that he just wanted to reassure her that he was right there and he wasn't going anywhere. "It makes me sad that you drank today but it would never make me leave. I'm always going to be here for you. I'm going to be right by your side as you work on getting better, I promise." Finn closed his eyes for a moment as he held Rachel, knowing that he never wanted to let her go. He was so scared of losing her to this but he knew that she was strong enough to get through it. He knew she was strong enough and determined enough to stay sober. "I love you so much. And I can't wait to marry you and have babies with you," he whispered softly in her ear. "And I hope you know that you make me happy just by being you. You make me so, so happy."

Rachel hated this. She hated that she couldn't just be normal and not have a problem. As he tugged her against him, she looked at him, nodding softly. "Okay. I just- I get if you'd want to, but I don't want you to not want me. I want you to stay here with me, okay? I promise I'm gonna get better and I'll just... I'll be back to normal in no time, okay? I promise." She knew she couldn't really promise that, but she wanted to try. Really badly. She had done well the entire tour and it killed her to think that she was just suddenly going to go backwards. "I don't wanna make you sad," She mumbled out, looking away from him and turning her head for a moment. Rachel sighed softly before she shut her eyes tightly as he spoke into her ear. Tears stung at her eyes and she desperately tried to not let them fall all over again. "I don't deserve you," She breathed out, her drunkenly bringing her hand to brush some hair behind her ear. "But I don't know what I'd do without you." Pausing for a moment, she smiled as she let her eyes shut. "But I won't end up like him, okay? I- I won't." Rachel didn't want to think about having everything just come to an end, especially not like that. "I never did anything that bad, okay? And I- I never will. And I promise that I'm not gonna let myself be like this when we get married. Because when we get married I just wanna be able to be happy and to have a family. I don't... I don't want to keep doing this and I'm gonna be good. I know I will be." She whispered, her eyes shutting tiredly. "Let's get married tomorrow. That way I'm not allowed to drink anymore." She said, mumbling her words out. "We can drive to Vegas and get married, okay? But we can't get married by Elvis. I don't want to have that trashy of a wedding. I don't even have a dress yet, though. So I wouldn't be in white and then I wouldn't be bridal. That's okay, though. I still wanna get married." Rachel sighed, her feeling herself drift off to sleep for a moment before she forced her eyes open again. "But we can wait to get married as long as you love me, okay? I love you a lot so don't forget that even if I don't show it all of the time. You're the love of my life. And I really hope that I'm the love of your life. But I'm tired because I- I did a lot today and now I'm in bed with you and you're so comfortable. I can sleep, right? Because I'm gonna pass out."

Finn wanted to help Rachel fight her addiction. He wanted to help her feel better and he knew a big part of that was just helping her feel better about herself. As confident as she always seemed on the outside, he knew there were a lot of insecurities beneath the surface. She doubted herself. Doubted her talent and capabilities. He knew that was one of the reasons she was scared to get married and scared to have a family. She didn't have faith in herself to be any better. She didn't have faith that she would be a good mother or good wife but he knew that she would be so amazing at both of those things and more. "Yes you do. You do deserve me," he told her. When she said that she wouldn't end up like him - like Josh - Finn paused for a moment and nodded. It did scare him sometimes that she would end up like Josh and he knew that if something like that happened to her, he would never get over it. God, he couldn't let that happen to her, he just couldn't. As she began to ramble slightly, Finn couldn't help but smile sadly as he held her tightly in his embrace. "I know you'll be good, Rach," he said softly. "You wanna get married tomorrow, huh?" Finn hugged Rachel closely and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, letting his own eyes slip closed for a moment as he just focused on her words. It made him so happy that she wanted to get married, that she was going to use that moment as a turning point but he knew that they didn't need a wedding for her to get better. They just needed her to get better on her own time. And she would - he was sure of that. "Hey, I will always love you," he told her, a small smile on his face when she said that he was the love of her life. Hearing her say that was always amazing to him, especially when for so long he had doubted that fact. "Of course you can sleep, Rach. Go to bed, baby. I'll be right here in the morning, okay? I'll be right here." Finn smiled softly and only when he knew Rachel was asleep did he allow his own eyes to flutter closed as well. He was relieved that he didn't have work the next day because he knew that they had so much to talk about in the morning. He knew that she was going to need him by her side and he planned to be right there for her no matter what.

Rachel nodded at his words as he asked her if she wanted to get married tomorrow. "Mhm. I wanna get married so bad, you know that? So bad. But only with you because I only ever want to get married to you. You're the best," She whispered, smiling gently at her own words. SHe was happy that he always loved her and always wanted to be with her, especially because she didn't ever want to be without him. She couldn't imagine ever going about her life without him. "Okay good. Maybe we can get breakfast in the morning or something if I don't throw up. Because I'm gonna be really hungover," She said tiredly, a sigh escaping her lips. When she eventually did fall asleep, Rachel was happy to just not feel so incoherent anymore. She knew that she needed to sleep some of this off and tomorrow, she'd still feel disgusting but at least she'd be herself. The normal person that she wanted to be. When she did wake up in the morning, Rachel opened her eyes slowly and groaned softly when the light cascading in the room immediately alerted her to the horrible pounding in her head. "Fuck," She breathed out softly, burying her head further into her pillow. Rachel covered her face with her hands and took in a deep breath. "This shit sucks so bad," She breathed to herself before she opened her eyes slowly, groaning when her headache seemed to just intensify. She loved drinking in the moment, but it definitely made her feel horrible when she started to feel too incoherent and she knew that she hated the next day even more. She hated feeling hungover and she hated feeling as if her head was going to explode. She only felt slightly nauseous and she hoped that she wouldn't end up throwing up because she already knew she'd be hungover for practically days after this, especially after not drinking for so long.

Finn groaned softly as he felt Rachel moving beside him and his eyes shot open when he remembered what had happened the night before. Immediately he could tell that she had a bad hangover and he looked at her sadly before he moved to sit up, leaning down for a moment to press a kiss to her forehead. "Let me get you some Advil, okay? And I'll grab you some more water too," he said softly, not wanting to speak too loudly and irritate her headache any further. Finn headed out of their bedroom to get what Rachel needed before he made his way back to her, setting down both the Advil and water on the bedside table. A soft sigh escaped his lips as he moved to sit back down beside her, him leaning back against the headboard as he looked down at her and gently ran his hand along her back. "Just let me know if you feel sick or anything, Rach," he told her. It was sad that he already had the whole routine down of her having a hangover but he knew that she wanted to get better and he knew that she meant it when she said it. "I'm sorry that you don't feel good, baby," he whispered, knowing that he just wanted to be there for her for anything that she needed.

Rachel watched as Finn moved out of the bathroom, her sighing gently. She hated this. She hated that she had allowed herself to get to this point after so long of doing so well. It had been a challenge, but she had been able to do it. As Finn walked back in the room, she thanked him softly before taking the glass from the side table as she moved to sit up. Taking the Advil that he got her, she took it with the water quickly, drinking most of the glass before putting it back down onto the side table before she let herself look at him. "I think I'm gonna be okay, I don't think I'm going to get sick," She said with a sigh as she let her head fall back against the headboard. "This sucks. I'm so fucking stupid," She breathed, letting her eyes shut as she tried to let herself relax. "Was I really bad?" She asked softly, looking over at him. "I just- I don't know how it happened. I obviously did it all and I chose to drink but it felt like it wasn't me, you know? After talking to them I felt like I went back in time. And I- I know that I really don't wanna talk about all of this right now because my head is killing me but I just- I want you to know that I'm really trying. Finn, I really thought that I was over it," She said sadly before she looked away from him and shut her eyes again. "I just thought that I was done. I- I went months without touching alcohol or anything and I- I fucked up again. I feel shittier than I usually do, which sucks. But I guess I deserve it." Sighing, she ran a hand over her forehead before reaching to grab the glass and finish the water that was there. "I'm sorry that you had to see me like that again. I really thought it was over and I- I wanted so badly for it to be over. I tried so hard, Finn. I don't want to be like this, I really don't."

Finn looked at Rachel sadly when she said that she was stupid. "No you're not, baby. You're not stupid," he told her. He knew that she was feeling bad about herself but he didn't want that cycle to continue. He didn't want her to think of herself negatively when he knew that was one of the reasons that lead to her drinking in the first place. "You were... you were pretty gone, baby. But you weren't as bad as you have been in the past." When she told him that she had felt as though she wasn't herself, as if she was her past self, he nodded understandingly. "Baby, I know that you're really trying. It's okay to have a relapse. This has been a problem for a long time, you know? It isn't just going to go away even though I know you want it too. It's going to take work but you're going to get to a point where you're sober, you know? You're going to get to a point where you feel good and don't feel that temptation." Finn looked at her with sadness in his eyes before he leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You don't deserve to feel like shit, Rach," he whispered softly. He watched as she finished off the rest of her water and Finn smiled sadly at her as she spoke. "Hey, look at me. It doesn't have to be like this, baby. It's okay. I know you want it to be over and I know you don't want to be like that. All you have to do is keep trying to be sober. As long as you keep trying, you can do it, Rach." Finn bit down on his lip for a moment as he looked at his girlfriend, knowing that he just wanted to help her feel better somehow. God, he always wanted to help her feel better and take care of her to the best of his ability. "I love you so much, you know that? And I - I know that you're angry that this happened and upset with yourself but please don't let this ruin how good you've been doing. You just have to get back up and try even harder to stay sober, you know? I know you can do it."

Rachel knew that every time she got like this, she fell into the stupid cycle of feeling horrible about herself which just led her to drink even more and honestly, she knew that it was part of the problem. She had been doing so well mentally and now it was all quickly spiraling, she could tell. She was trying to do better and she had done well the entire time she was on tour. She just didn't understand why every single time she was home that she seemed to screw up. "I know it's going to take time. And it's not okay to do this. It's been so long, Finn. I just- I didn't feel like myself. After my dads talked to me I just- I felt like I was back as some teenager. And I know that's shitty, but I just felt like I didn't know what else to do." She said sadly, her sighing and looking away before she heard Finn tell her to look at him. "I'm trying, I am. I just had a huge slip up that shouldn't have happened in the first place." She said, sighing and looking down again. She nodded gently and took in a deep breath, letting her eyes shut for a moment. "I've done everything that I know how to do. I mean, I- I guess I should go talk to my therapist again, but uhm..." She trailed off, sniffling slightly before she looked at him. "I'm so sorry," She said, feeling her eyes sting with frustrated tears. "I- I know you don't want to deal with all of this again and I promise that I'll be better. I won't let myself get that bad again. I don't want to go to bed drunk every single day and wake up throwing up. I just thought that I'd be okay, you know?" She said before she leaned into Finn's side, resting her head on his chest as she let her eyes shut. "I won't let this happen again, okay? I'll try and be better. For me and for you. I want us to be married and to not have to worry about anything, you know? I want us to... to be normal and to have kids one day. I know you say that you want to help me and you'll always help me but I can't be the mom that is too drunk to take care of her house and her family. I just want to be normal. I want to feel like me."

Finn couldn't believe that this was happening but at the same time he knew that he couldn't expect Rachel to conquer her addiction without any struggle whatsoever. For so long she had used alcohol as a crutch and while it scared him to see her do so, he knew that it would take time for her to learn new coping mechanisms and stick with them. "Talking with your therapist would be really great, Rach. I'm sure that would be so helpful," he said softly. When she apologized to him once more and he saw her eyes sting with tears, Finn felt his heart ache in his chest. "I know you're sorry, Rachel," he breathed out. He didn't want her to feel horrible because even if seeing her wasted had scared him and even if he was disappointed, he also wanted her to keep working hard on herself the way she had been. He wanted her to feel driven and positive about staying sober because he knew if she started feeling bad, if she started going to a dark place that her relapses would only be more frequent. "I know you thought that, baby. But it's okay. You slipped up, you relapsed, it doesn't change the fact that you're trying. It doesn't change the fact that I know you want this so badly." Finn wrapped his arms around her as she leaned into his side, her head resting on his chest. He loved her more than anything and he knew that he was going to protect her and take care of her for the rest of their lives. "We'll have that, Rach. One day we'll have everything we always talked about. And... and you won't be the mom that's drunk, okay? I know you won't be that way. We're going to reach a place where things are normal and where they want to be and when we have a family, I know you, Rachel, you'll be such a great mom. You'll be so loving and so obsessed with our kids that you won't even want to touch alcohol."

Rachel didn't want to do this, but she knew she had to start from square one all over again. She really thought things were fine, but she knew that things weren't as simple as just one day being okay. Things like this took a lot of time. "I know, I just-" Rachel sighed, looking down for a moment as she stayed in his side. "I am trying to stay positive and I'll be okay when I don't feel so shitty about myself right now. Plus, I feel like my head is going to explode." She said, shutting her eyes for a moment. Rachel really didn't want to be his mother and she didn't want him to have to take care of her every day of his life. "I just want you to know that things won't be like that. And I- I want to be sober for our wedding and I want to be able to be sober for good. If I could, I'd get married tomorrow, but I just... I know realistically that we need to wait. Plus, we have a lot to plan and everything, but... I want to make sure that I'm okay. One hundred percent. I want our wedding to be some huge and amazing thing and the start of the next chapter of our lives. And I don't want that next chapter to be me relapsing all of the time." Rachel knew she was trying but she also knew how hard that could be. She knew how hard it was a long time ago when she had first started touring. When she had first met Taylor and Jeremy and they started touring, she knew she had spiraled out of control and she knew how horrible she had felt then. That was something she didn't want to repeat. Not at all. "I love you, Finn. Thanks for being understanding, I guess. I know you'll help me and I- I appreciate that more than anything. But I obviously know that this is something I need to do on my own. It's not something that someone else can do for me. I'll just focus on being healthy like I did when we got together again. I- I know I can be fine. I know I can." She said softly before looking up at him, her leaning up to kiss him. "I don't want you to see me get out of control. I promise I won't get there again. I promise," She repeated, her words soft as she kept her eyes on his.

#where the sky hangs

[thefinny-d]

In Slow Motion, I Watch You Fall

Tagging: Finn, Rachel & Finn’s Parents Location: Apartment, Hospital Notes: When Finn gets a call that his mother was in a car accident, the night he had planned to stay in and relax with Rachel takes a very different turn.

Finn had been back with Rachel for a little over a week and already he could feel that things were different between them. They were stronger than they had ever been and he knew it was because she had found herself. It seemed easier all of a sudden to talk about the things that had once immediately caused them to fight - Josh, her addiction, their past. Suddenly they were able to talk about those things and he didn't find himself getting insecure and Rachel wasn't growing angry. Things were good between them and he knew that he was going to make it his mission to ensure they remained that way. The two of them were lounging around the apartment, enjoying their time off of work together and Finn smiled as he looked at Rachel, cuddled up against him while they watched a movie. "Every time we watch a movie I think about our first time," he said with a laugh before he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Before he could say anything else his phone rang and when he glanced down and saw it was from a number didn't recognize, he sighed. "Why do random numbers always call me," he breathed out, shaking his head before he answered. "Hello?" ​"Is this Finn Hudson?"​ Finn furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he confirmed that it was indeed him, not knowing who could be calling him, especially when it was getting pretty late. ​"Mr. Hudson, this is Officer Long. Your mother has been in an accident and she's at Good Samaritan right now. Her condition is stable but she was under the influence of alcohol. You were her emergency contact and she'd like to see you before she's discharged and taken into custody."​ "Oh I - okay. I... I'll be there soon," he said quickly before ending the call. Finn set his phone down before he pulled away from Rachel slightly and put his head in his hands. "My mom was in a car accident," he breathed out before he turned to look at Rachel. "She was drunk." Finn knew that his mom had relapsed and fallen right back into her addiction but he had hoped desperately that it wouldn't come to this. Not when she had already had two DWI's before as well. "I need to see her. They're... they're going to take her to jail," he said, feeling himself beginning to get overwhelmed. "I don't know what to do. I need to get her out of this."

Rachel couldn't believe that things were finally working out. Obviously, it wasn't just because she was sober -- she had been sober before and things were still fucked up between them. But she felt a lot better about herself and she knew that Finn didn't have to worry in return about her, so it made things a lot easier for him. They were just in a relationship and she didn't have to worry about him saving her or trying to make things better between them. "Hey, I mean, that's fine with me. If it keeps reminding you of our first time, then you're bound to want to have sex tonight. That works for me. I have no problem recreating our first time," She grinned, the smile only widening when she felt his lips on the top of her head. She ignored the phone ringing before she looked at Finn as he answered it, her only hearing mumbling on the other line. When he hung up, Rachel watched as he pulled away, her sitting up a little more when he put his head in his hands. "Babe, I'm sorry." She said softly, looking at Finn for a moment. She knew what it felt like to relapse -- to get in that bad of a place, but thankfully, she had never gotten in an accident or gotten involved with the police for anything that had happened to her. "I don't know what to tell you, babe. I- uhm, are we going right now? You want me to come, right? If you don't, I'd get that too. But uhm... we can help her with whatever you want to. But Finn, please don't feel like you need to fix the entire thing. You can't make all the decisions for her and you can't stop her from doing what she wants because she's her own person. I know what it's like. But she does need help. Whatever you want to do, we can do, okay? I just want to help you. I know you, and you're going to put all of yourself into trying to help your mom. And it's why I love you, but please don't lose yourself in this. Before we do anything and help her with anything." Rachel said softly, looking into his eyes.

Finn was tired of alcohol hurting everyone that was important to him in his life. He was tired of always cleaning up his mom's mess. But he knew that he would do it, he always did. Despite all of her shortcomings, he still loved his mom and he knew that when she was sober, she was the best mom in the world. He just wanted her to be sober again. "I - yeah, I want you to come. I - I need you to come," he said softly as he looked into Rachel's eyes. "I just want her to be better, you know? I just want her to stop doing this to herself when I know that she can be sober. I know that she can be that person." Finn smiled softly at Rachel, knowing that despite this horrible situation, he was relieved he had her. If this had happened when they were broken up, he knew that it would only overwhelm him more than it was now. "I love you," he told her before he pressed a kiss to her lips. "I guess we should go to the hospital. I - I just want to see her before they take her to jail. I'm sure it'll be a few days before they post bail for her and - god, I hate that I have to do this again. I hate that I'm always being her parent instead of her being mine." Finn moved to get up from the couch, getting his shoes on before he grabbed his phone and keys, knowing that he just wanted to see his mom and make sure that she was okay. "I'm sorry, baby. I just... I just wanted to spend tonight relaxing with you and of course this had to happen." Finn knew that no matter what he was relieved that him and Rachel were good because their relationship being in a good place definitely made it easier for him to be more level headed. Rachel always helped him calm down when he got too worked up. "I guess all we can do is see how she is and... and talk to her a little bit before they take her to jail. And then... then I'll figure out how to get her out of there and hopefully get her into treatment again." As him and Rachel headed out of the apartment, he slipped his hand into hers on the short walk to the car. Once they were in the car, he sighed before he began to drive towards the hospital, knowing that he just wanted to get this over with.

Rachel shook her head immediately as Finn apologized, sighing gently. "Don't be sorry. It's fine, Finn." Rachel grabbed a sweater and slid it on before she put on her shoes and grabbed her bag, following him out of the apartment. She just hated that this had to happen to him and she wished that he got to have a normal relationship with his mom. She just could never imagine what had gone through Finn's mind when she used to just be constantly trashed all of the time. Did he think she'd be a bad mom? Rachel never thought she'd be a good mom, but he always assured her otherwise. She did want kids -- really far in the future when she actually had some kind of stable life. She could never imagine that anytime soon. In fact, it scared the hell out of her. Just like marriage used to. But now it excited her. And also made her extremely nervous every single time someone mentioned it. "I know you'll want to talk to her, Finn. Just take it slow, okay? Your mom needs to get help. I know you obviously don't want her to go to jail, and I don't want to see her there either. But when she gets out, we just need to figure out what to do to help her. We can't get overly involved, because I learned more than anyone that you need to want to help yourself. You helped me see that. And if she doesn't want that, then I don't know what to do for her, Finn." She paused, not wanting to upset him as she looked out the car window. "I want more than anything for you to just have a good relationship with your mom. Where you can just be her son without you worrying about all of this stuff." Rachel offered him a sad smile, reaching over the middle console to rest her hand on his thigh, rubbing it gently and comfortingly. "We'll help her. I want to help you with whatever you need. Whatever you need from me, please let me know. I just want to help you."

Finn nodded when Rachel told him that they couldn't get overly involved with his mom's situation. He knew that she was right, he did, but he also just wanted to protect his mom. "It just sucks. She was sober, you know? When I first came home from Stanford she was sober for a little over a year and then my dad came back and ruined everything. God, I can't stand him. I'm so glad you never met him." Finn had never had a good relationship with his father and he knew it was because of the way that his dad treated his mom. When Rachel moved her hand to rest on his thigh, he looked over at his girlfriend with a small smile on his face. "You being here with me is all that I need, Rachel. I love you. I - I'm so glad that we're okay because I don't know if I could handle all of this without you," he said, moving to rest his hand on top of hers. The drive to the hospital didn't take much longer and Finn couldn't help but sigh as he got out of the car. "I can't get away from hospitals," he said with a small laugh before he started heading inside with Rachel. After finding the room number for his mother, he took a deep breath as they started heading in that direction. He hated that he was so used to this. That he was actually used to cleaning up his mom's mess all the time. It wasn't hard to find the room his mother was in when he saw a cop waiting outside and Finn held Rachel's hand just a little tighter as they approached the man. "Um, hi. I'm Finn Hudson. Carole's son," he said softly. When the man stepped aside to let them in, he felt his heart fill with sadness the second he saw his mom. She was okay as far as he could tell, sitting up in bed with a few cuts that she had across her forehead. "Hi mom," he said before he leaned down to hug her tightly, closing his eyes when she started to cry in his embrace. ​"Finn, I'm so sorry,"​ Carole cried as she held him back tightly. "It's okay, mom. It's going to be okay. We'll fix this, I promise," he said softly, rubbing her back before he pulled away from her gently. "What did the doctors say was wrong? Do you have any injuries?" he asked her worriedly before he began to attempt to check over her himself, his mom immediately slapping his hand away from the cut on her forehead. ​"I'm fine, sweetie. They're just keeping me here because I had a concussion but I'm okay. I just swerved off the road and hit the median. I'm alright."​ Finn sighed, wishing that this hadn’t happened. God, all he wanted was for his mom to be sober again. ​"Rachel?"​ Carole said the second she caught sight of the brunette, her looking from Finn to his girlfriend. "Oh um, we're back together. I haven't gotten the chance to tell you yet." ​"Oh thank god. There's some good news tonight,"​ Carole said with a small smile on her face, causing Finn to smile softly as well as he looked over at his girlfriend.

Rachel shrugged gently, looking over at him. "He sounds like a piece of shit. I don't mind if I have to meet him, but if he was an ass to me, I'd be an ass right back. We're bound to cross paths eventually, but I hope it's not anytime soon." Rachel didn't really care to ever meet him, but she wasn't going to try and avoid him forever. If them meeting happened, she'd deal with it. Following Finn into the hospital, she kept a hold of his hand, keeping close to him as they walked. She wanted to be there for him, and she didn't want him to push her away. However, she didn't want to be too overbearing either. She wanted to give him space, and that meant being there but not trying to tell him what to do. The moment they went into Carole's room, Rachel keeping her head down and keeping quiet as Finn moved over to his mom. She felt bad -- she felt Finn's heart practically breaking in front of her and she hated that he had to deal with it all himself. She wanted to help him with whatever she could. "Yeah, uhm... hi. This have been really great. I'm happy that things are back to normal for the two of us again." Rachel said softly, smiling gently before moving over to his mom for a moment and going to hug her gently before pulling away with a small smile. "It's good to see you. I wish it wasn't here, but nonetheless... it's still really nice to see you again. I haven't seen you in a long time."A fter a moment, Rachel moved back over to Finn, taking his hand gently and intertwining their fingers. Usually, whenever Rachel saw Carole, it wasn't anywhere amazing, and she always felt horrible about it. Rachel, just for once, wanted things to be normal for Finn so that he could have his mom there to witness how good everything was doing for the both of them.

Finn looked at Rachel and smiled softly as she spoke to his mom. How did he get so lucky to have such an amazing girlfriend? If there was any light in this situation, he knew that it was the fact that he had Rachel. When she moved to take his hand, he looked at her with love in his eyes before he brought her hand up to his lips and pressed a kiss to the back of her palm. ​"You two look happy,"​ Carole said softly as she looked from Rachel to Finn with a small smile on her face. ​"It feels good to see you in a healthy relationship. I was worried that you seeing me and your father growing up would make it difficult for you."​ Finn couldn't help but sigh softly as he looked down. He hated that his mom was so aware of the situation that she was in and yet so unwilling to change it. She had been in the same patterns with his dad and her drinking since he was little and he just wanted her to find a place where she would be okay again. "Is he home again? Is that why you were drinking and driving?" he asked his mom as he looked at her worriedly, not even needing her to answer when her gaze shifted from his and to her lap. "Because I know you have a breathalyzer in your car from the last time. And he blew in it for you, didn't he?" Finn hated how horribly his dad enabled his mom and he hated that she was so attached to him even though he wasn't good to her in the slightest. ​"We got in a fight and he told me to leave, so I did. I know I shouldn't have been driving but I had to. They called him but he didn't answer, I don't even know if he's still home,"​ Carole said with a sigh. "Mom, you know they're going to take you to jail from here, right? A-And I can't get you out this time until they set bail. And... and even then I don't know if I'll be able to help you stay out. I can... I can pay whatever fine they give you but I can't keep you out of jail. If they want you to go to treatment, you have to do that. You know that, right?" He watched as his mom's face fell and he felt horrible when he saw her eyes fill with tears. ​"I'm better off just going to jail. What did treatment do anyway? Nothing."​ He could tell that she was frustrated and while he wanted to help her, he truly didn't know how to anymore. "Stop. You're not going to choose jail over treatment. You need to get better, mom. You have to stop drinking like this," he said, trying his best not to get angry with her when she was in such a fragile state.

Rachel really didn't want to be in the middle of this. She didn't want to have to get in the middle of Finn and his mom's conversation when she knew that she really had no right to say anything. Who was she? She was in the same place as Carole not that long ago and Rachel still wasn't one hundred percent. Then again, she hadn't been drinking at all, and she was doing way better. Rachel just wished that things could be better for the both of them. There was a part of her that knew that she just really couldn't ever say anything because she had been there. And Rachel didn't really have any advice because she had never been in this situation. Rachel looked down for a moment as Finn spoke again, taking in a deep breath. "Don't say that you're better off going to jail, Carole. Anything is better than that. Please. Finn and I want to help you. When you get out of jail, we can help you. Stopping isn't easy and I- I know that and we've had conversations about this before when I was younger and first started dating Finn. I want to see you get better, too. Finn just wants to help, you know? So do I. Anything you need." Rachel didn't want to overstep, and already, she felt like she could. "I don't... I don't want to make you upset after everything you've been through so I just- I'm not going to say anything else. I don't want to overstep either. I just- I know I really have no right to say anything, so I- I'm sorry." Rachel knew it was weird that she sounded awkward and unsure of herself, especially when she always just spoke her mind and didn't care what anyone else thought. But speaking to Carole definitely made her extremely unsure of what to say for the fear of upsetting her or Finn.

Finn nodded as Rachel spoke. They just wanted to help his mom and he wished that she could see that. He wished that she could see a life for herself that was sober and that didn't involve his dad. "You're not overstepping, baby," he said softly as he looked at Rachel, knowing that he appreciated everything that she had to say. "Mom, Rachel has been doing so well with her sobriety lately and I - I know that you can do the same. What's helped a lot for Rachel is excercising and focusing on her music. Maybe we can find a class or something that you can take, get you involved in something," he suggested as he looked at his mom hopefully. ​"Finn, stop,"​ she said softly. ​"Rachel, I'm so proud of you. I really am. I'm so happy you've found something that's working for you. But what works for you won't work for me. I'm going to get out of here, go to jail, get out and repeat just like I always do. You know that, Finn."​ Hearing his mom so down about her situation truly broke his heart and he honestly didn't know what to do anymore. "No, I don't know that. What you need to do is get away from that asshole," he said angrily. "He's the reason that you keep drinking. You need your own place and you need to cut yourself off from him." ​"Don't talk about your father that way,"​ Carole said, shaking her head as she avoided eye contact with him. "I will call him that because he's been horrible to you and to me for as long as I can remember. A-And you're not staying with him. You're not going back to that apartment." ​"Finn, calm down. We'll figure it out when I get out,"​ Carole said with a sigh. ​"I need you to stop by the apartment and bring the things back that I left in my car. Can you do that for me? If I take them with me, they'll just confiscate them when I get to the jail."​ Finn felt himself growing frustrated with his mom but before he could say anything else the officer stepped into the room. ​"Alright, Mrs. Hudson. Your discharge paper work is all signed. Time to go."​ "I - is there anyway we can talk just a little bit longer," he said as he looked from his mother to the cop. ​"I'm sorry but no, take what you need and we'll be on our way. We'll contact you in a couple days when it's time for the arraignment."​ Before Finn knew it, him and Rachel were alone in the hospital room and he sighed as his gaze shifted to the bag of his mom's things that was beside the bed. As he turned to his girlfriend, he attempted to offer her a small smile before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him, closing his eyes as he hugged her tightly. "Thank you for coming with me. I - I'm so sorry," he breathed out. "I guess we have to stop by the apartment to drop off her things, she didn't give me much of a choice," he said softly.

Rachel sighed as Carole spoke, knowing that she knew exactly how she felt. "I know that you feel like you can't, but you can. Everyone has a chance. I know you can do it if you find something that you're passionate about. Even if it's just your family," Rachel said softly, looking at her before she sighed. Obviously, Carole felt something for her husband, but Rachel knew that he had to be enabling her. Rachel could relate in a lot of ways to Carole's situation, but Rachel of course wasn't going to try and relate and say it out loud. Rachel could just try and find solutions that they could worry about in the future to help his mom. Rachel didn't speak as Finn started to get a little heated about his dad, a soft sigh escaping her lips. The moment they were alone, Rachel smiled sadly, nodding gently. "It's okay. Don't apologize. We'll just drop her stuff off at home and then we can just go home and try to talk and enjoy whatever time we have for the rest of the night. We can try and salvage whatever good is left of today." Rachel pulled away from the hug to look up at him and lean up to press a soft kiss to his lips. "Come on. Let's get out of here," She said before grabbing the bag of Carole's things that were next to the hospital bed. "We'll just be quick at your mom's house and then we can go home. We'll figure everything out as soon as we can. I know you want to help, Finn. But we have to take things day by day. Unfortunately, we can't do anything for a little bit."

Finn nodded when Rachel spoke, looking at her lovingly when she pulled out of the hug before they shared a soft kiss. It amazed him how a simple kiss from her could calm him down and he knew that he needed her more than anything. If he didn't have her he truly didn't know how he would be handling the situation. "I hate going back to that apartment," he said softly as he walked out of the hospital room with Rachel. "There's just a lot of bad memories there. It's one of the reasons why I always wanted to stay at your place back in high school." Finn knew that Rachel was aware of everything that had gone on with his mom and her addiction but he never really talked much about his dad. God, he couldn't stand his dad and the chance that he could be home when him and Rachel got there made him more nervous than he wanted to admit. When they reached the car, Finn sighed as he sat down in the drivers seat, running his hand over his face for a moment. "Okay. Let's go drop this stuff off and then we can just go home. I just want to focus on you for the rest of the night. I just want to focus on us," he said softly, offering Rachel a small smile as he looked at her with love in his eyes. "I love you." Finn leaned over to press a kiss to her lips before he started up the car, his heart racing in his chest as he got closer to his old home. "I really don't want to see him," he said softly. When they arrived at the apartment, Finn took Rachel's hand in his while he gripped the bag of his mothers things in the others, knowing that he just wanted to be in and out of the apartment. He knocked softly at the door and the second his father opened it, Finn could see the smirk that formed on his fathers face. ​"She going to jail again? Bitch deserves it after the way she talked to me tonight,"​ Chris said, Finn gritting his teeth as he glared at the man. "We're just here to drop off her things. Not that you care." ​"Who the fuck is this?"​ When Finn saw his father raking his eyes over Rachel, Finn immediately only grew more angry. "My girlfriend. Leave her alone." ​"Ouch, Finn. Don't want your own dad to know your girlfriend? So this is why you keep going back to her, huh? Look at that ass,"​ Chris said with a smirk before he wolf whistled at Rachel. "Shut the fuck up," he breathed out. ​"Smile when someone compliments you, princess,"​ Chris said to Rachel with a lewd smirk on his face. ​"Fuck, Finn. She doesn't look too happy. She could probably use a good fuck since I'm sure you don't deliver. You've always been a little pussy around girls,"​ Chris commented, only causing Finn's blood to boil more. "Leave her alone," he said once more, holding Rachel's hand in his before he tried to get past his father. God, he just wanted to leave.

Rachel knew by the way Finn was acting that the trip to the apartment wasn't exactly going to be the best thing. Rachel was positive she had only been here a handful of times -- and when she saw his mom, she was drunk. Things hadn't changed, but Rachel really wished they had. "I don't want to see him either, but we'll just be in and out as quickly as we possibly can." She said, looking over at him with a supportive smile. Once they got t the door and saw his dad open the door, Rachel took in a deep breath, disgust rising as she saw his eyes start to rake over her. Rachel kept her hand in Finn's, keeping close to him to try and ignore it. But as he continued to talk, Rachel couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Well, actually, this ​princess​ just got a good fuck this morning, so fuck off. He has no problem delivering unlike you probably would," She spat after Finn spoke, her following him into the apartment as she glared at him. "And don't call me princess. Leave Finn the fuck alone." Rachel didn't plan on being rude, but when someone talked like that to her, well, she was brought right back to high school and to her really old friends when this kind of talk was just normal. She defended herself now and she always would. It wasn't like she hadn't heard similar words, and while she defended herself a lot more physically back in high school -- usually she just slapped guys or girls the second they said horrible shit to her -- she was trying not to completely act like a bitch because she knew she was coming off that way. Not that it mattered, anyway.

Finn knew Rachel and he knew by the way that his father was talking to her that she wasn't about to take his shit. As she spoke to him, he bit down on his lip to hide a smile. He loved this girl so much. ​"Well fuck me, you've got a feisty one, Finn,"​ Chris said with a smirk on his face as he followed them into the apartment. ​"I didn't think you had it in you. Although, there's a chance that she's only with you because you're some big shot doctor now. Does he buy you whatever you want - princess?"​ Chris said, clearly more than determined to piss them off even more than they already were. Finn started opening the bag of his mothers things, just wanting to drop everything off and have it in its right place and have his dad back off. He hated that he was making sexual comments towards Rachel and he hated that he had brought her into this environment. "Rach, you can go in the car, baby. You don't have to listen to him," he told her, not wanting her to be subjected to this any longer. ​"Oh, don't make her leave me just yet. We were just getting to know each other. I mean, she's just like your mom, isn't she, Finn? A little girl with daddy issues who can't seem to leave alcohol alone,"​ Chris said with a laugh. "Would you leave her alone? Whatever the hell you think you know, you don't," he said angrily as he glared at his father. God, he just wanted him to go away more than anything. "God, I don't care about putting this stuff away, let's just go, Rach," he breathed out before he grabbed her hand gently in his and began leading her towards the door. However, before he could take more than a few steps, his father had gripped Rachel's wrist, a smirk on his face as he looked at the both of them. ​"You go ahead. She can stay with me. I'd like to find out just how flexible your girlfriend is. You can call me daddy and work out all your little issues through me, princess."​ At his dads words Finn felt his skin crawl in disgust and he immediately grabbed his dads arm to force him off of Rachel. "Let go of her. God, just leave us alone!"

Rachel looked at Finn as he told her to go back into the car, her managing a soft chuckle at his suggestion. "Yeah. I'm not going into the car. Thanks for the suggestion, though." She said, shrugging. But quickly, she realized it was probably a pretty decent idea because the second his dad started talking, she wished she could control the anger bubbling up inside of her. "Fuck you. You don't know anything about me. And Carole wouldn't have any fucking issues if it wasn't for you, asshole. You like preying on women? Making them your bitch? You probably treat them like shit the second you get them into bed. That's if you even last long enough to get a girl off. I'm sure it must be hard, huh? Now that you're some pig and you can't get a piece of ass? God, you're disgusting. All you care about is yourself. Fuck you. Go find someone else's family to fuck up -- you've clearly done enough here." She said before she felt Finn start to lead her away with his hand. The moment that she felt Chris's hand on her wrist, she was sure that she could feel herself snap. She froze in spot for a moment, ignoring Finn trying to defend her before she ripped her hand away to slap him across the face and push him away from her. She had been in far too many situations where men had tried to get with her by treating her like a piece of shit, and while she was used to it, she was equally as used to getting them to fuck off. It was clear that his dad was horrible and she couldn't imagine what he was like to his mom. Rachel wanted no part in talking to him at all and Rachel really couldn't believe that she used to surround herself with people like this. People that used to drag her down every single chance they got. "I thought I told you to fuck off." She said loudly, her breathing heavily as she looked at him, her fist clenching at her side. "If you ever put one hand on me again, god, I swear you'll regret it. If you think for one second I'd ever consider getting within one inch of you, you're a fucking pig. If I'm fucking away any of my issues, it's not with you." Rachel glared at him before she started to back up for a moment before starting to walk towards the door with Finn. "Let's just fucking go." She didn't want to have to deal with this and she didn't want to completely snap because she'd definitely feel bad having Finn have to watch her act out. She had been in her fair share of fights in high school and when she first moved to LA, and she didn't want to continue the trend now.

Finn hated that his own dad was such a horrible person. While he was used to his dad shitting on his life any time he went to his apartment, he had no idea that he would be this horrible to Rachel. When she started getting angry again, he didn't even try to stop her because he knew that his dad deserved it. His father was a horrible person who thought that women were objects and often times Finn had no clue how he had half of this mans DNA when they were nothing alike whatsoever. When Rachel slapped his dad across the face, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped slightly in shock. He knew that Rachel wasn't afraid to defend herself but he definitely hadn't expected this. Not that he minded, of course. If she wanted to slap his asshole of a dad across the face then he definitely wasn't going to complain. ​"How did you know I'd like it rough?"​ Chris said to Rachel with a smirk. God, Finn wanted to punch him in the face himself at this point. ​"I see how it is, she calls the shots, huh, Finn? Not even enough of a man to keep your woman in check. She's got a bigger dick than you do."​ "Insult me all you want but you stay the fuck away from her, okay? Don't talk to her or look at her ever again. God, I hate you," he said angrily, relieved when Rachel started heading for the door. He quickly moved with Rachel out of the apartment, not wanting to fight with his dad any longer or hear any more of his comments. Finn didn't stop walking with her until they were at the car and he let out a small sigh of relief once they were both inside. "Oh my god, Rachel. I'm so sorry. I knew he was going to insult me but I didn't know how horrible he would be to you. I shouldn't have even brought you inside. God, I'm so sorry. No one should ever talk to you like that," he said as he looked at her worriedly. "I'm glad you said what you said to him though, he deserves every thing you told him. And you slapped him so - that was kind of amazing." Finn looked down and smiled softly before he looked back at Rachel. "I love you. And I - I will never put you in a situation like that again, I promise," he told her as he looked at her with love in his eyes. "He didn't hurt you when he grabbed you, did he?" he asked worriedly as he took her hand in his, fingers gently running along her wrist.

Rachel laughed at his dad's words, rolling her eyes. "Oh, don't worry, I'm sure Finn has a bigger dick than you. That's why you act like this probably, huh? To make up for it?" Rachel asked with a soft smirk before she got to the door. "Fuck you," She said before they went out of the apartment, crossing her arms the moment that they were seated in the car again. "It's fine." She said, looking forward for a moment as she tried to keep her gaze away from him for a moment. "He shouldn't insult anyone. And if he fucks with me, I'm going to fuck with him." Rachel looked over at Finn, shrugging. "I would have done worse, but I mean, it's your dad and I'm not looking to get put in jail, too. I don't need to get put away on assault charges." Rachel sighed, looking at Finn as he started looking at his wrist. "You're not going to be able to avoid that forever. And if I have to see him again, I'll just do the same shit. I don't care. He didn't really hurt me. He really grabbed me, but I think I hurt myself on my own when I ripped my hand away. It's a little red, but it's fine," She said, turning her wrist in Finn's hand before she sighed. "Can we just go home? I'm pissed and I need to listen to some music and calm myself down before I'm permanently a bitch for the rest of the night. What an asshole. How the fuck are you the way you are when your dad is like that? God, you're like some saint. Which is amazing. Because you're a gentleman and I love you for treating me the way you do. You treat me like some kind of royalty half of the time because that's just who you are. It's just amazing that his fucking sperm made you. Fuck him." Rachel said, sighing and running a hand over her face when she felt her thoughts starting to run away again. "Sorry. I'm trying to get calm. I don't want to keep pissing myself off. I just haven't been talked to like that in so long. It's gross. He's gross."

Finn knew that Rachel wasn't lying when she told him that she would have done worse. Even though she was small, she was definitely more than capable of handling herself and that was one of the things he loved about her so much. "He's disgusting. I hate that he even touched you. The fact that it's even a little red makes me want to go back in there and punch him in the face." A sigh escaped his lips as he looked at her wrist and when she asked him if they could go home, he nodded. All he wanted to do was go back to their home and forget about this interaction with the person who apparently was his father. "I guess some people turn into their parents but I knew that the way he acted was wrong ever since I was little. I never wanted anyone to tell me that I was like him. So I just, I did everything I could do be the exact opposite of him and I guess it worked." Finn could tell that she was pissed and he immediately started up the car since he did want her to relax a bit. They were away from his dad and in a safe space, he didn't want her enraged for the rest of the night. "Why don't you plug in your phone and we can listen to some music on the way back. Just focus on that," he said softly. The ride home didn't take too long and once they arrived he let out a breath, just relieved to know that they were away from his dad. God, he hated that Rachel had been talked to that way and while he knew it wasn't him that had said it, he still felt guilty for bringing her into that situation. Once they were in their apartment, Finn tossed his keys on the coffee table before he moved to sit on the couch, running his hands over his face as he tried to process everything that had happened in such a short amount of time. "God, I hate him," he breathed out before he brought his gaze to Rachel, looking at her worriedly. "Are you alright, baby?" She was upset and he hated that his dad had made her feel that way. He hated that he had brought her into that situation. All he wanted to do was make her feel better and make sure she knew that nothing his dad said meant anything.

Rachel nodded and connected her phone to listen to music, her immediately picking a random playlist so they didn't have to sit in silence and she could at least distract herself. A part of her really didn't even want to talk about it anymore, especially after everything that they just had to deal with. The second they got home and were in the doors of their apartment, Rachel sighed as she threw her bag down onto the ground by the door, kicking off her shoes before she looked at Finn who was sitting on the couch. "I'm fine." She said, her shaking her head before moving to the couch near him. "He's just an asshole," Rachel murmured before she went to sit on his lap, sighing softly before she leaned forward to kiss him. "I just hate that he said that shit. I mean, he clearly has no respect for anyone. Who says that shit to some random girl? Honestly. I mean, I've heard similar shit before, but he's such an asshole." Rachel rolled her eyes before she pulled away from him a little more, sitting more upright on his lap. "Let's just plan not to go back there. But if you do go back, I'm going with you. I don't want you going back to him alone. If he says anymore shit about you or me, I swear, he'll be on the floor with a black eye. And you know I"m not kidding." Sighing, Rachel busied herself with playing with the fabric of his shirt by his neck, keeping her gaze there as she tried to get her thoughts in order. "Sorry. I don't want to keep talking about it because I don't want to be pissed off the rest of the night." Rachel didn't want to piss Finn off by constantly talking about it, and she didn't want to ruin whatever part of the night they had left together. "I just want to enjoy the rest of the night with you. I don't want to worry about any other shit."

Finn nodded when Rachel said that his dad was an asshole. She wasn't wrong there, that was for sure. When she moved to sit on his lap, he immediately wrapped his arms around her, sighing contently as she pressed a kiss to her lips. "I hate that he said that too. I hate that he touched you or even knows who you are. I've tried my best to keep you away from him ever since we started dating in high school, god, I knew he would be bad but I didn't think he would be like this." As she spoke, Finn ran his hand gently up and down along her back, trying to calm her down as best as possible. He knew Rachel was angry from how his father had behaved and while he was pissed as well, he didn't want to let his dad have the power over them to dictate the rest of their night. "I'm usually pretty good at avoiding him. But I - Rach, I don't want you to have to see him again even if I do. I don't want him talking to you like that again," he said as he looked at her worriedly. "I know you're more than capable of handling yourself but you shouldn't have to be in that situation. I'm used to him insulting me, I can handle that. But I can't handle him saying things like that to you." As she toyed with the fabric of his shirt, Finn watched her carefully, knowing that she was attempting to calm herself down. "You don't have to be sorry, baby. It's okay," he said softly before he moved her hand to her cheek, running his thumb gently along her skin. "We don't have to think about anything else tonight except each other." Finn offered her a small smile before he pressed a kiss to her lips, lingering there for a moment before he pulled away. "Thank you for always being here for me," he whispered as he looked into her eyes. "I love you. And... and I love that you know how to calm me down and how to distract me. I love that when you kiss me I can feel myself relax even if it's just for that moment." Finn knew that he was lucky to have Rachel, that he was lucky to experience a connection with someone that was so genuine. "I'm sorry my family is such a mess. I - I'm really happy that one day when we have kids that they'll never have to know what this is like. I always knew that one day when I had a family that I would make sure they got to be kids, you know? They'll have a childhood that's happy and - and filled with trips to Disney and they'll have two parents that love and respect each other and them."

Rachel sighed as Finn spoke, nodding. Obviously, Finn was never going to want to have her see his dad ever again, but she knew that if she had to, she'd defend herself then just like she did now. "I don't like him saying shit to you, either. I don't care if you're used to it. I'm used to people saying shit to me, too. I'm not worried about him saying anything to me. I don't think he'd have the balls to actually do shit to me, and I mean, if he did, I'd probably end up in jail with the shit I'd do to him." Rachel managed out a soft laugh, shaking her head gently. "Kidding. But not kidding." Rachel looked at him as she felt his hand on her cheek, looking into his eyes with a small smile. "Okay. That sounds really great." Rachel murmured before she felt his lips on hers, her smiling gently as he pulled away. "I'll do anything for you. I promise. I'll be here for you whenever you need me. I know it's the other way a lot of the time, but I want to be here for you, no matter what you need. Even if it's just to sit here and talk about stuff. I'm gonna be here for you no matter what you need." As he started to talk about the family they'd have one day, she nodded gently. "Yeah. One day." She said, looking at him with a small smile. "You'll be the best dad and I know that any kids we have will have a really amazing childhood. That's all I want. I want them to be happy and I don't want you to have to worry about anything going wrong, you know? I don't want you to worry about anything happening or about them being happy. I just want you to not worry. Obviously, it's really far in the future, but in the grand scheme of things, it's really not that far away, you know? We've been on and off for so long and it's felt like no time at all. Years are going to feel like days."

Finn knew that Rachel was very protective over him just as he was to her. While he loved her for it, he also knew that it had the tendency to get her into trouble as well. He was pretty sure if she ended up anywhere near his dad and he acted the way he had that she wouldn't hesitate to follow through with everything she was saying. And he really didn't want his girlfriend going to jail for punching his dad in the face no matter how much he really would love to see her do that. "I know you're always here for me, baby. And I love you so much for that," he said softly as he looked into her eyes. As she spoke about him being an amazing dad, he smiled as he shifted his gaze down for a moment. Thinking about the future was scary and exciting all at the same time but now that they were on the same page he knew that it was more exciting than anything. "I won't have to worry about anything going wrong with you as their mom. You'll be such an amazing mother, Rach. You'll be super protective and so loving, they'll have the best childhood ever," he said softly. Finn nodded as she spoke, knowing that she was right. In the grand scheme of things, having a family really wasn't that far down the line. "We've known each other for so long now. I... I still don't even know which anniversary of ours that we should celebrate," he said with a laugh. "Even when we weren't together I still feel like we were, you know? Because you were the only one on my mind. Even way back when I was with Haley, you were still always on my mind." Finn knew that no one could compare to Rachel, it just wasn't possible. He smiled softly at her before he took her hand in his, pressing a kiss to the back of her palm before he shifted his gaze to her wrist where his father had grabbed her. "I will never let anyone lay a hand on you like that again," he said softly, pressing a kiss to her wrist, trailing his lips along her smooth skin for a moment before he leaned in to kiss her once more. "You deserve to be treated like a queen and I hope that I always make you feel that way. I hope you always feel loved and beautiful and happy when you're with me."

Rachel always had doubts that she was going to be a bad mom. She had thought about it since she was a teenager and first getting serious with Finn. Obviously, he was a family guy. And she knew that back then, it would have been impossible for her to provide him with something like that. Still, she felt like it wasn't going to happen any time soon. She wanted to make him happy and down the line, she did want a family as well, but she was just a little nervous that she'd end up screwing it up. But like Finn said -- they were going to make sure their kids had the best childhood because they both had horrible ones in their past. As Finn took her hand and kissed the back of her palm, she took a deep breath in at his words. "I know." She whispered softly, looking at him. "It's okay, I promise." She said softly, leaning forward to meet him for a kiss. A small smile rose on her lips as he spoke again, nodding as she kept her gaze down. "You do, babe. I promise." She whispered softly before leaning forward to kiss him, a small smile rising on her lips. "I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I mean that." She breathed out, looking into his eyes. "You're amazing to me and I- I feel like I don't thank you enough for everything you do for me." Of course, Finn didn't have to act the way he did -- especially in the past when she was horrible to him. But still, he always was nothing but perfect to her. "You don't even try to be perfect, and you are. You do everything right and I just don't know how you put absolutely no effort in and you're this amazing man that people would kill to have." Rachel smiled gently, taking in a deep breath. "Thank you, though. For everything. I mean it."

Finn didn't consider himself to be a violent person but when he saw someone be rough or grab any woman, especially Rachel, he found himself seeing red. He knew that if his dad had tried to touch her anymore than he did that they would be in a very different situation right now. As he kissed her softly, he smiled into the kiss, just enjoying the feeling of having her in his arms and being close to her. When she was with him, he knew she was safe and nothing relaxed him more than that. "I love you too, Rach. You're the best thing that ever happened to me too," he said softly. Her being in his life had truly changed everything and while not all of their memories were happy, he knew she played a big part in making him into the person he was. Because of her he had an easier time making friends and feeling relaxed, he had an easier time letting things go and just having fun. She made his life so much better and he knew that he would always love her for that. "Hey, you don't have to thank me for treating you the way you deserve to be treated. I love you and I always want you to feel that. It makes me happy that you do because I used to think that I would be really horrible at relationships. You make it easy," he told her as he ran his hand gently through her soft hair. "I hope you know how grateful I am for you, Rach. You honestly are the best thing that ever happened to me. You make me feel good about myself and... and no one was ever really able to do that until I met you." A content sigh escaped his lips as he looked into her eyes, relieved that they were both able to get their minds off of everything that had happened. He didn't want to think about the mess that was his parents. He just wanted to focus on the woman he was so incredibly in love with. "I think we do a pretty good job at getting each other's minds off of all the horrible shit that we have to deal with," he said softly as he moved to rest his hand on the curve of her waist, loving the feeling of just having her close to him.

Rachel knew that she'd always be amazed by the kind of love they shared. If they didn't love each other like they did, she didn't think that they'd be here again. She really didn't think that her and Finn would be trying their relationship again because most people would just give up. And with good reason. Her and Finn had a very rocky road before, and the fact that they were trying and really looking forward to the future made her very confident about things to come. Even getting married to him, which scared the shit out of her. So did kids, but she knew that Finn wanted it, and one day, she knew that she wanted all of that too. Just not now. "I want to make you feel good about yourself. I like that I get you out of your shell a little bit. I mean, look at you now compared to high school. Before, you'd be unsure about all of this. How to talk to me and how to touch me and you'd be stumbling over your words because you'd be so insecure and you'd be so unsure about how to be with me. But just look at us now, you know? You're not the same kid. You changed a lot of that on your own, too. And I'm proud of you. I love who you were then and I love you you are now, too." Rachel smiled as she felt his hand move to her waist, nodding at his words. "I know. We do an amazing job at that. And we know the very best ways to get our minds off of all of this shit," She murmured softly before she moved herself a little closer to him, bringing her chest flush against his as she moved to kiss him again, both of her arms moving to wrap lazily around his neck. "I love you, baby. And I really love getting our mind off of stuff," She said with a soft smirk against his lips. After the long day they had, Rachel knew that she just wanted any excuse to be close to him and just relax and forget everything that happened, and after the rough day that they had, she knew they both needed it.

#in slow motion i watch you fall