#give and .. angstier things? negative thoughts? to a character who you see a lot of comfort in. they make you happy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cathalbravecog · 10 months

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Man... I can't stop thinking about the things that were talked about on the stream, especially the answer on my question - so... get ready for a ramble! its a long one. oops. i dont even know where im going with this, im just dumping my thoughts somewhere. half is about ttcc lore in general and the streams, the other half is about cathal and me projecting onto him deeper.

before i even hop deeper into this, it wasn't until early today that i learned that there was a whole drama about cranky's answers (regarding the graham and flint question and the whole "keep it sane" thing. i thought it was...off, but i understood it as 'do what you want people, just don't start any harassment because of ships and your favorite pairs'.

definitely could have been phrased better, though. at least we got a good response and an apology later from maven on twitter. but i legit did not know this was a drama until those twitter posts were made LOL. i dont interact with the fandom so i do not know how that answer was percieved by most. or if anyone except for me and my friends have had any thoughts about the question i asked that got answered.)

and what im tryna get to is that i get cranky isnt the one to be answering lore things, and probably didnt know what to answer... but it's still something to think about

because being told "cogs and toons just dont become how they are out of the blue" (paraphrasing here) as an answer to what cathal initially thought of seeing his dad be bet up and thrown off a tower is... confusing? he did say first and foremost that it has to be built upon before saying that. i understand that this is... a lot of characters! and cathal did have some focus on him thanks to the comic and they wanted to focus on other managers... but some have deeper, more intricate lore that's easy to grasp (especially the more, well, angstier managers like chip and misty.)

and we have gotten some extra lore for other managers like belle, mary, tawny.... thanks to thomas' rambles.

and it's definitely difficult for a team of volounteers working hard on a fan game together to make lore for all the characters, that are still very young in their *life span*, having been around for less than a year. despite ttcc being more character driven and focused on the cogs, it's still a game they have to run so they cannot focus on lore only and some game management has to be done first. there's a bunch of things they have to consider, like consistency and how fans may react, or possible themes or what they want the story to be...

and. yeah. its hard since. come on lets admit it. clash has an issue with how these are all given to us. hell, there's lore bits i still dont know about and im still learning because it's..so all over the place. a new player will not know about it. maven acknowledged this in the tweet and i really appreciate that, as it's honestly been my number one issue with clash, especially as someone who is there for the lore. (i mean, and the gameplay, i know some people who don't play the game itself much. well i sure do a little TOO MUCH because i have PROBLEMS. but im interested in the lore, too, yknow?)

some lore you cant learn from the wiki, and unless you interact with the community, you may never learn *where* all of this even is. if you werent live for certain lore there, it's hardly accessible to you. lore locked behind one time events, an arg website, wikis, discord chats... all that. it's hard to keep track of! i'm sure it's like that for both the fans and the writers. these characters are great, fun, and i love them, but the way we are given this information is... not the best. it's very easy to miss certain details.

it's especially bad if you're like me - only ever interacting with a close group of people you trust, (because people are scary especially a lot of... lore driven fans. yeahnoimeanshippers.sorry.and just big crowds of people in general) having only gotten back into the game recently AFTER most of the major lore events (first played once in 2019, then never again until january 2023) and also you dislike youtube and video content, so you dont watch it. something in your brain would rather if you step on a nail than watch a playthrough video (especially with commentary).

like in general it shouldnt be necessary to go through all these hoops just to know the lore! especially for things that may have little lore...

anyways, uh, back to cathal. i cannot stop thinking about this.

it definitely wasnt an answer to what i specifically asked - but possibly more so about... why cathal is the way he is? and despite what my brain and low self esteem during hard times may tell me - i do not believe that anybody is truly "lazy". i just dont think that exists. there's always some reason behind a person being unmotivated or lazy. even the little things!

but like... that's just kinda obvious. all toons and cogs have motivations. thats like... one of the basics of writing characters. have motivations for characters and reasons for why they are how they are. doesnt have to be anything tragic, just.... how they are as people.

it's totally unrelated to the question of what cathal thought about seeing his dad like that... but oh well! i asked that because i made up my own story around that already, and i just wanted to see what someone working on the game thinks about the same idea.

not to be Tumblr User CathalBravecog, but, of course I have projected heavily onto cathal. i have already stated how important cathal is to me as a character, especially with appreciating myself when im.. not exactly the most motivated. when im not doing much. taught me to appreciate breaks. hell! i keep preaching this myself. its okay to take breaks! and yet i often end up not doing it and i overwork myself on games and art and other things.

there's... a lot of things "wrong" with me that i don't have names for yet, especially due to not having a diagnosis for them, but they're very real feelings and they cause me to be unable to do things a lot of the time. various mental blocks and a new member of the gang... physical pai! hooray.

this... endless productivity we are forced and expected to do. it can take a toll on you. breaks are just as necessary and to say it's a thing that has to be re-learned is... sickening. hooray for living in a Corporate (clash) society, fellas.

one thing i can say is that i absolutely headcanon that cathal has adhd - though, maybe not the same type i do. i do not think he gets randomly hyper and wants to (and does) jump around everywhere and blurt things out randomly and impulsively. cathal here has the low energy, yknow.

i like that a lot of the content around him doesnt even describe him with the words "lazy" and "sleepy" instead.

every day is the same... even if his job is relatively simple, just watching over the camera feed - it's definitely boring... and having to do it every day is not rewarding. and being mostly alone and without consequence, he gives into wanting to do something else. he's got these huge screens and a room to himself, and he loves watching shows and cartoons... so he's gonna do that. it's more fun. it's stimulating. and especially with his dad being the one to give him his position, he knows that he's got nothing to really worry about there.

i also think it's a bit hard to be motivated knowing that... this war between the cogs and toons is just. endless. hell, again, he has to see his dad *everyday* be attacked by them. his body damaged after the fall - only to be fixed again. rinse and repeat. i would too, find it pointless. especially if you're like cathal, since i pointed out before that he is very kind and caring towards the other cogs. he's also thoughtful, noting that yknow... a lot of stairs to get to his room.

why do all that when you can chill... and feel good. do something that feels nice...

i don't have any names for this, but with how sleepy he usually is, that's definitely a thing to consider too. and just, from experience... being tired and/or sleepy it... dismotivates you even more. its so hard to start tasks even if you *want* to do them. and considering cathal mooost likely doesn't want to do his work on his own - then these tasks can be just. impossible to start.

like, i have struggled with this my entire life myself, just because of my adhd screwing with everything, but after getting covid and most definitely getting a form of chronic exhaustion from it.. things have been even harder. i pull myself through day and i barely have the energy to even start anything. sometimes i dont even do anything all day and... woops! still no mood or energy to do anything. i just work on random bursts of motivation and things that captivate me...

not sure how it relates to cathal, but, hey, if im personal here ill ramble about it too because WOW it has been biting me in the ass and i need to speak to Professionals About It

like... i dont think hes being "lazy" willingly, yknow? theres a reason behind it. it definitely is just... being sleepy, the comfort... the fun and stimulation doing something fun he's interested in (his shows) are just... stronger desires and way easier for him to get to. why struggle through something when it takes up all your energy, and then you feel no reward for it? yeah. exactly. even just "not feeling like it" is a reson. "not having energy" is a reason. hey, are these things to get better about if needed? certainly. i wish i could get help with this, it would help me in my life so so much. but should it be seen as ENTIRELY negative and as being a "hinder to society". hell nah. and i think thats swag. cathal is swag he can do this, good for him lmaooo. my brain is deteriorating i apologize.

there was... another thing i wanted to say, but i forgot. so i'll move on.

but just... yeah. i dont think cathal is just lazy. i dont believe in "laziness". he's got reasons for why he prefers naps and just... watching tv instead of doing his work. perhaps he does want to do these things, but gave up on trying. its not worth the effort, it does not feel good. its not stimulating enough to keep him going.

#long #ramble #cathalposting #i...may delete this later i dont know. i both wanna talk to ppl i know about this #but also Do Not Percieve me. I am Afraid Of What People Think #Stay Back Foul Beasts !#alsoy eah i had other stuff to talk about...more on the negative side i guess but??? its. a bit difficult to #give and .. angstier things? negative thoughts? to a character who you see a lot of comfort in. they make you happy #they help you feel better about yourself. you want to see them happy. if theyre happy #youre happy. if theyre sad...well. you are sad. sadness is natural. its a real thing. it happens sometimes. its a part of life #and i have attached some of these things to cathal already. but a few things are hard for me to consider because of The Brain Worms.#i dont want to see him hurt either yknow.#anyways i hope you enjoyer my mental illness ramble. im not normal and you shouldve known that when you followed me #thank you for existing cathal ray toby braveswag #hey fun fact remember how i said i get tired of stuff myself easily well this whole thing made me tired. i was gonna #answer an ask but now im like. man. (melts into a puddle)#(doesnt take a break bc i need instant stimulation and makes things worse for myself)#do yall see why i like cathal so much now gamers?#ya. sorry this got personal. if any of you can handle reading this u deserve a reward.#and maybe i need to start talking about personal things this much. but whatever #this is my blog i can talk about anything and thats the COOL THING!#MWAHAHAHHAHAHA!#dies #ivegot a lot going on in my brain rn cant u tell

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avenger-hawk · 1 year

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Hi! What is exactly the popular one between a sunshine/extrovert character and cool/introvert character? Is it extrovert x introvert (sun x moon) or introvert x extrovert (moon x sun)?

I think I read hear that the most common one should have been sun x moon, since you said that most "sun" characters are tops, but I often see that it's usually sunshine characters that are usually bottoms?

First of all I think encasing pairing into these dynamics only makes the pairings boring and OOC. No wonder a lot of fanfics are uhh, boring and ooc, especially if authors and/or readers look at what's more popular to have more readers, instead at what they like lol...sorry. I had to say it since you asked my opinion.

What I wrote about sun and moon applies to Naruto and Sasuke because they are portrayed as sun (Naruto) and moon (Sasuke) and since yin/yang is mentioned too, and yin=passive while yang=active it becomes submissive/passive-moon-yin=Sasuke and dominant/active-sun-yang=Naruto. Not just because of some abstract parallel but because NAruto is dominant and active while Sasuke is passive. Not to mention it only takes a second to google yin yang and see what they correspond and do the remaining math for sun and moon. (I'm not saying this in a negative way against you ofc, I'm talking in general, sorry if it's badly worded).

idk what is more popular, again, because for me what matters is what is in character, so even if apparently ppl say Sas*naru is more popular than Nar*sasu it's still out of character and gross so who cares about popularity?

Besides, I'm not sure if you want to know which dynamic is more popular? Cause Idk what is popular because I am not up to date with new manga and anime. Or shows. But like I said when I look at 2 characters I don't always apply the same dynamic for top/bottom....My preference is extravert top/introvert bottom, but since I like complex angsty bullshit lol, I like 'sunshine' characters to have some darkness inside, and to not be really sunshine. Like Naruto himself, whose dynamic with Sasuke is interesting because he's not the ball of sunshine only.

But there are so many amazing pairings where this extravert/introvert thing doesn't even exist. Where both are introverts, or both extravert. Personally I ship a lot of pairings with both introverts, like Kakasasu, Itasasu, Juusasu. Or, in a different anime like Psycho Pass, I ship Ginoza x Kogami and both are introvert.

Back to introvert&extravert pairings though, what's popular for other ppl depend on other ppl, how strong they self insert in one or the other, how they thirst on one or the other, who knows. For me it depends on their personalities, like, ok, one is an extravert and one is an introvert, but which one is angstier? which one is more submissive? which one has a lower self-esteem? which one is more sacrificial? which one is more dominant? which one is more adaptable? which one follows the other? Which one defies the other, yet doesn't leave them because they hold the other in high esteem? All these characteristics are different from character to character and they make me 'see' which one is which.

For example, Bleach. Byakuya is introvert, Renji is extravert. Idk what's more popular but for me Byakuya is dominant and confident, and Renji, who follows (and at the same time defies) Byakuya and wants to be aknowledged by him, who's extravert and cheerful but has an angsty inner world and low self esteem, so he's more ready to 'submit' to the other.

On the other hand No.6, an anime I liked a lot for the plot, but whose pairing dynamic I find meh, cause extravert Shion is too unrealistically sunshine, while introvert Nezumi is cool, but seeing this extremely dominant top Nezumi with innocent sunshine bottom Shion, is just very boring and the only interesting part is when he goes berserk.

Or idk, Mo Dao Zu Shi (which I never finished and I should, lol to give you an idea of how behind I am with everything)...in the beginning I thought it was more natural that uh, Wei Wuxian was top and Lan Wangji bottom, but the more the story progressed the more the opposite seemed more natural for my perception. But again, I didn't finish and I didn't see which was popular.

Some characters I just can't see as bottoms, never. Like Naruto himself. Or I can't see as tops, like Sasuke.

#vivalarevolution #fanon and fandom stuff #anti-sasunaru #always

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lonestarpost · 3 years

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Lips are twitching, so you can crack a smile by @trkstrnd - Review

Lips are twitching, so you can crack a smile by @trkstrnd (trxtr)

Word Count: 6,629

He took an experimental step out onto his driveway, finding the sidewalk cool under his bare feet. His joggers licked at his ankles, brushing against the bone as he stepped, but TK didn’t care. He couldn’t feel anything other than genuine hatred, right now, for both himself, and his parents. or: TK overhears his parents talking about his mother's pregnancy.

“Lips are twitching, so you can crack a smile,” is an angstier take on T.K. finding out about his mother’s pregnancy. T.K. begins to spiral. While he was starting to feel happier than ever, he feels like the rug has been pulled out from under him. T.K.’s parents inadvertently reinforce many of the negative thoughts that T.K. has about himself and his recovery, and the author does an excellent job showing both T.K. being tempted by his addiction while also showing him fighting for sobriety using tools he has learned. This tension not only creates a more interesting story, but it shows addiction without gross oversimplification as some stories do. The story is full of pain, but there is a lot of love and hope that prove that while T.K. may be struggling, he’s not alone and he’s got a lot of good tools and people on his side.

At the beginning of the story, T.K. finds his thoughts becoming frantic as he processes that his parents are going to have another baby. They didn’t tell him, so he had to find out by overhearing what they had said. T.K. also hears his dad saying that they will tell T.K. when T.K.’s ready, which heightens some of the negative feelings that T.K. is having. T.K.’s thought process becomes darker, and it is shrouded in negativity.

The conflict continues to intensify as T.K. tries to stay sober. He uses an app to try to keep himself sober. But for all his efforts, the negative thoughts wear T.K. down. They creep in and T.K. ends up buying a bottle of pills as he craves the comfort of getting high. He goes to see Carlos, and he starts to let some of what he is feeling off his chest, but he cannot speak coherently, but this moment is important because T.K. starts to vocalize some of the negative self-talk that has been building since the beginning of the story.

The larger portion of the story is dedicated more to Carlos’ perspective. T.K. comes to see Carlos, and he is high. He tells Carlos vaguely what is happening, but T.K. cannot give much clarity to Carlos at that moment. Carlos ends up calling 9-1-1 upon realizing that T.K. is overdosing. Carlos saves T.K.’s life, but he still feels guilty and thinks that he did not do enough to help his boyfriend. Judd is a good calming force for Carlos, though. Judd himself is clearly highly upset, but he’s able to put some of those feelings aside so that he can do what he knows would be best for both T.K.

The ending is not a happy one. There are optimistic notes, and Carlos has the impression that T.K. is going to come out okay, but there’s still a lot that the characters need to work on to get better. T.K.’s not the only one who will need to recover from the events of the story.

The work does a wonderful job of building up the emotional angst. The thoughts that T.K. has become louder until he struggles to think beyond the negativity. The build-up makes the reader get into the mind of T.K., so by the time the work starts to shift to Carlos’ point of view, readers can even more easily relate to the rage and fear that Carlos must feel. It never reduces feelings to having just one source. Carlos’ anger, for example, is inextricable from his fear. Similarly, T.K.’s upset is about more than just the pregnancy; it’s also based on how he feels about himself, which itself is triggered by how his parents had treated him in the past. Thus, the author shows the messiness of the feelings and how they impact characters in unique ways.

Throughout the story, the author relies on the negative dialogue that T.K. has with himself to add to the emotional turmoil that T.K. is feeling. This technique adds to the work and gives some good insight into T.K.’s mental process. The italics, interestingly, both reflect this negative internal dialogue as well as memories of what he overheard, which shows how those words are the things that are reinforcing and bringing out the negative self-talk that comes out whenever T.K. is emotionally overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to process what is happening in his life. New information has a way of bringing out the hurt of old wounds, and that’s certainly the case as T.K. learns that his mom is pregnant. It’s small touches like this that make the work more impactful and bring the reader through the turmoil with T.K.

The use of Carlos is a strong point in this work. Carlos feels rage for T.K. as well as worry. He’s willing to stand up for T.K. and is the one who is there for T.K. in a dark moment. It also says a lot that Carlos is the one that T.K. seeks out. Carlos is a safe person for T.K., and in this story, he’s the one who (literally) keeps T.K. breathing when T.K. feels like his breath has been stolen from him.

This story hurts to read at points, but only in the best way. It shows Carlos and the 126 standing up for T.K. when the mental health that T.K. has worked so hard to build is starting to crumble because of his parents’ selfish and oblivious behaviors. The story feels raw and like readers are getting a view into T.K.’s most personal thoughts. It has voyeuristic moments that allow an even deeper connection with T.K. The portrayal of addiction is also well-informed, and each of T.K.’s negative thoughts push T.K. towards the edge, but they also give him the chance to process his feelings. T.K. doesn’t stay sober, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. By the end of the story, T.K. will need to focus on his recovery, but T.K. shows that he has a lot of strength, and part of that strength is learning to let other people in life help him when he’s struggling.

#text #911 Lone Star #Issue 4 #February 21 2021 #Lone Star Post #fic review #contributor: lonestarbabe

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the-ice-sculpture · 3 years

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How do you feel about the new trailer?

My honest answer is that I don’t feel great about it, anon. I don’t hate it, but it doesn’t fill me with joy either, which makes me sad because I want to love this show so much.

Firstly, it’s worth pointing out that I’m a pessimist at heart and tend to expect the worst in any given situation. And a trailer takes everything out of context and only gives small relatively spoiler-free snippets, so my opinion of the actual show may end up different to my opinion of the trailer.

(This is going to be a little long because I have a lot of thoughts about it, some positive, some more negative, and someone’s given me an excuse to ramble so I'm taking it)

I like continuity and I miss Avengers-Loki so I was really looking forward to getting to spend more time with that Loki. But the way the trailer presents him with the different look, different speech patterns, less anger/bitterness/sinisterness etc makes it feel much more like Ragnarok-Loki rather than Avengers-Loki, despite how the show seems to take place right after Avengers 1.

Unpopular opinion but I also like Loki’s magic to be more limited, otherwise it raises questions like ‘why didn’t he ever use this power before?’. I prefer characters to not need to power up so much as learn to utilise their own abilities better, and with illusions as his primary magic there’s still loads of fun/clever/tricksy things he could do with illusions that we’ve not seen yet.

I don’t know if it was just the editing of the trailer – and I hate that I’m saying this – but I found the humour... uncomfortable. As in it felt very close to giving me second-hand embarrassment. That’s not to say that Loki and humour can’t work – I love the humour with Loki in Thor 2 for example, but... I don’t know, I like him to be more eloquent and witty, even if he can still lose arguments sometimes, which might be why the ‘I am smart’ line didn’t sit right with me. It came across as petulant. Loki can definitely be petulant, but if he is, I prefer him to do it more intelligently, somehow? I’m not sure how to put my exact thoughts into words on that, but that’s the general gist.

To be honest, I think I might just end up not vibing with the overall tone of the show. I like Loki on the darker/angstier/edgier side with a more serious and emotional storyline, but that’s not what this seems to be. To me, the Loki characterisation we saw in the trailer felt more reminiscent of that interview with Tom Hiddleston sort of playing his hybrid self mixed with Loki on the set of Ragnarok than anything else. I really hope this is just how it comes across with the trailer and not the whole show because I am ridiculously attached to the Loki from Thor 1, Avengers 1, and Thor 2 in particular, and it’d feel like wasted opportunities if they were just brushed to one side.

The show seems to be going for the comedy angle more than anything else. In terms of Marvel drawing in viewing numbers, it’s probably going to work.

I also think major opportunities have been missed with the aesthetics. Why so much brown and muted colours?!? And Loki showing skin with his arms out?? I can’t wrap my head around it. I hope Loki eventually manages to burn the fuck ugly outfits they got him anyway.

On the other hand, I was pleasantly surprised by the shot of Thor-1 Loki on Asgard’s throne. I never thought we’d get to see him and the vulnerability of that Loki does things to my heart. I would love it if we got present-Loki interacting with that Loki (or any Lokis we know from MCU canon, really), but I’m preparing for the possibility of it just being a TVA thing of them just showing present-Loki snippets from his past/other timelines.

I would love the show to have lots of impactful emotional moments. I didn’t see much evidence of it (but that kind of thing is often not included in trailers), but the moment with Loki sat with a woman could have been one. I’m all for Loki making friends, but I’m not keen on the idea of love-interests at this point. Who knows what their dynamic is though, it could be entirely platonic.

I still stand by what I said in a different ask with how I’m going to try giving the show a fair go and not discount that it could be a good show in its own right even if it doesn’t tell the story I want it to. If I don’t end up liking it, I’m not going to endlessly rage-blog about it. I’ve already gone through having to unfollow a lot of people since Ragnarok came out due to not wanting to consume that amount of negativity, so I don’t want to go and repeat the same behaviour myself. The most there might end up being at max is a handful of posts to get any gripes out of my system, and they’d be tagged as ‘#loki show critical’ so people can block them if they want.

In the worse case scenario, I’ll probably just get quiet or carry on doing my own thing fanfic-wise. In any case, I hope to enjoy a bit of revival of the Loki fandom.

#anon #ask #loki show critical #well... sort of #but people who are excited would probably find my thoughts a bit of a downer so I'm tagging it as such #my posts

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thetomorrowshow · 4 years

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Faith In ‘Okay’

This was my Secret Santa gift for @sandersarefamily ! I had a lot of fun creating for you--sorry it turned out angstier than I intended. I hope you enjoyed it!

Summary: Logan Sanders is blind, and does not need a service dog. His brother, Roman, convinces him to at least try it--and who knows? maybe Logan will find everything he ever needed.

Rating: G

Word count: 4351

Pairings: Logicality, Prinxiety

Tw: Blind character, anxiety attack, kissing, mention of Remus, mention of Deceit

Logan didn't need help.

He never had. Yes, being blind was a . . . limitation. Sometimes he saw it as a disability. Sometimes he sat in a stupor, trying to remember what stars looked like before the accident. Sometimes he bit back tears in the middle of a conversation, not willing to break down in front of people just because they discussed how best to assist him. Sometimes he yelled at his brother for not leaving him alone.

But Logan was also fine. So when his brother, Roman, suggested a guide dog, he was more than a little irritated.

“You keep talking about wanting to be independent!” Roman argued. “Maybe, if you had a guide dog, I could move out!”

That was the argument that kept coming back. That was what Roman wanted. He was tired of always having to help his disabled— limited— brother, and it was showing. Logan knew Roman wanted to attend a school out of state. He knew that Roman desperately wanted to act, to try out for shows, but never had time.

That was probably why Logan agreed to look into the idea.

It took two weeks for the online application to be approved, then another two to get the phone consultation done. The additional forms to complete hadn't taken too long, but it was another three weeks before anyone could come to complete the home evaluation—see if Logan was physically able to have a guide dog, see if his home was safe for one, etc. It all happened, though, and soon they received the approval notification letting them know they had found two dogs that might match with Logan and that they were ready for him to come stay at campus for the two weeks it took to go over the training course.

The day came to leave. Logan was still unsure about this, but Roman insisted it was too late to back out now—then they would've wasted not just their own time, but countless people's time. So Logan begrudgingly followed Roman to the car. He knew the way down the driveway, but Roman had been struck by some protective urge and not only taken his suitcase from him, but had insisted on making him use his white cane. Ridiculous.

Logan settled in to the familiar worn leather of the passenger seat and felt the warmth of the morning sun on his face. It was pleasant. He could almost pretend that they were going to visit friends, or going out to eat.

Then he felt an arm reaching over his chest, and he slapped Roman away. “I can buckle my own seatbelt,” Logan snapped, but didn't move to pull it around his waist.

“Well, you weren't doing it.”

Grumbling, Logan buckled the seatbelt. On the drive he tried to ignore Roman's incessant noise, show tunes and Disney songs alike blaring from the radio. If his brother didn't insist on singing along, it wouldn't be so bad.

Instead, he tried to clear his mind. Long division generally did the trick, but it wouldn't on this day. He tried some basic trigonometry, but just couldn't focus.

His head kept circling back to the dog. What would it sound like? How big would it be? Would it truly allow him to live alone? He lived within walking distance of both the university he attended and the grocery store, and could technically get to both places without physical help—a GPS speaking into his ear didn't count—but rarely did. His school, CSU, helped him immensely with classes and getting to different areas of the campus. Roman drove him to school every morning and to and from the grocery store.

Deep within, he knew that Roman would never move out. Logan was notoriously bad with money—why did all the bills have to feel the same? Folding them differently could only do so much—and, with how often the store was rearranged, he could never reliably find what he was looking for. The few times he had gone by himself, he'd ended up having to ask for help to identify which can was cream of mushroom soup, which milk was 2%, which carton of strawberries looked the best, if what he was holding was hot pockets or a microwave dinner—and all with a clerk guiding him the sections.

A seeing eye dog couldn't help with those things. Only Roman knew what he—they—needed.

“It's good to meet you! Glad you're able to stay with us for the next few weeks. Would I be correct in assuming that you're Logan?”

Logan shook the stranger's hand. “That is my name,” he confirmed.

“I'm Patton Hoyt, and I'll be introducing you to the two dogs we've matched with you! Would you like me to guide you by your arm, or just speak directions?”

Logan's eyebrows rose. That was a first. Generally people did one or the other (usually the first) without asking his preference. Of course, Patton was likely trained to ask. “Spoken directions, please,” he replied.”

Roman still guided him with a hand on his back.

“This is Layla, she's a lab retriever. . . .”

Layla was fine, Logan supposed. She seemed to know her stuff. She just . . . didn't seem to like Roman. That would be a problem, seeing as how Roman wasn't going to be moving out anytime soon.

“Do you want to meet the other dog? If Layla doesn't feel right, I can be back in fifteen minutes with Crofters.”

“Like the jam?” Logan asked, smiling despite himself. “I had some on toast this morning.”

Patton giggled, somehow small and loud at the same time. “Probably,” he said, a grin in his voice. “Would you like to meet him?”

“Why not?” Logan found himself responding. He didn't really want a service dog, he reminded himself. It would be just perfect for Layla to not work out, so they could go home and forget about this whole thing. Roman was the one who wanted the dog.

He was only agreeing, he realized, because he was afraid of hurting Patton Hoyt's feelings. Logan had never really had much regard for others' feelings, but he liked this Patton. He was kind and considerate and funny. His voice held a bright quality, a constant warmth. Logan didn't want to let Patton down.

Not that Patton would be let down. It was his job to be kind. At the end of the day, he would still get paid. Somehow, though, he got Logan to agree to meeting this dog.

Logan knew immediately that Crofters was the one. Instead of licking his hand, or barking at Roman, or ignoring them both completely, Crofters bumped his head gently against Logan's right knee then backed up a step.

“Aww! He nuzzled his noggin! Crofters is usually a bit shy!”

Logan grinned. He still didn't really want a service dog, but he thought maybe he could like this dog. Patton told him about how excited Crofters was, how well he'd done on all his tests, and how much Crofters had enjoyed a sweet potato that had been left out from an employee's lunch. Patton talked a lot, and didn't seem to mind when Logan interrupted to provide random bits of knowledge, or review some of his basic needs in his routine.

Logan was growing . . . attached, he supposed. He begrudgingly admitted that he had been looking forward to the idea of having a dog. Now, he didn't know if he was attached to Patton, or to the idea of having a dog. He supposed he'd find out.

Now he knew. He began to know when Patton timidly asked if Crofters was right, and if he wasn't, they could go through the application process again and ask for a different dog. Logan cut Patton off and agreed to begin working with Crofters, because yes, he would love to adopt the golden retriever, and yes, he would be willing to stay on campus for the duration of the two weeks of training. Now, as he patted Crofters's head while Patton explained (even though he'd said the same thing every day for the past week at training) the schedule for the day, he knew.

Logan was certainly very open to the idea of having a seeing eye dog.

He was also experiencing a crush on Patton Hoyt.

“I'm just rambling now, aren't I?”

Logan smiled. “Possibly,” he allowed. “However, your rambling is . . . pleasing to listen to.”

Patton laughed. It was almost drowned out by the noise of the buffet.

Six weeks had passed since training ended. Patton had scheduled one meeting (ahem, date, ahem) a week, so they could go over any problems Logan might be experiencing or any questions he had. At least, that was the purpose of the meetings.

“Do you want anything else to eat?”

“No, no,” Logan waved him off. “Whatever the fried item you got me was may be a cause for gastrointestinal surgery.”

Patton giggled again. “It was okra,” he said. “Is Roman picking you up, or do you and Crofters want me to drop you off somewhere?”

“Patton, I believe we should stop, to use a figurative statement, beating around the bush.”

Silence from Patton. Logan heard a rustle and caught a whiff of perfume as someone passed by. A child screeched over the beastly rumble of chatter. Logan took a deep breath. This was going to be hard to bring up, so he worded it in the most detached way possible.

“I have developed feelings of romantic attraction for you.” Wow, that was blunt. Not for the first time in that day alone, Logan wished he could see. Patton's silence didn't tell him if he'd reacted positively or negatively.

“If this makes you uncomfortable, I promise to never bring it up again.”

Silence. Again, Logan spoke, panicking now.

“I apologize for mentioning it. If you would drop me off at the CSU campus, that would be wonderful.”

Finally, Patton spoke, his voice low and sing-songy. “Two bros, chilling in a buffet. Five feet apart 'cuz they're so gay.”

“What?” What was Patton talking about? His verbal cues were giving him nothing—but he liked the sound of 'gay'. That seemed hopeful, didn't it?

“Logan, we haven't said a single word about Crofters all lunch. I was so flustered about trying to get you to like me, I wore a tie.” Patton's voice was shaking. Tears or laughter? Logan wondered frantically. “Logan, you can't see! How were you supposed to notice a tie?”

Then Logan was laughing, and Patton was laughing, an adorable little giggle accompanied by the occasional snort. Their hands ended up clasped over the table, and Logan, almost subconsciously, leaned over the table, somehow knowing that Patton was doing the same thing. Their laughter died down. Logan felt his forehead bump lightly against Patton's, his skin burning at the sudden impact, and he knew he was close enough.

“People are staring,” Patton whispered. Logan shrugged.

“I'm told people stare at me a lot,” he said. “I assume it's usually because I'm staring at them and don't realize.”

“And your dashing good looks,” said Patton playfully. Logan's cheeks burned—he hadn't expected this to happen. He liked where it was going, but what if Patton thought they were moving too fast? Just minutes ago, they'd been colleagues. Now they were . . . romantic interests? It happened so quickly, one could've blinked and missed it. That was surely too fast. Not to mention, Logan had a plethora of special needs. He didn't want to dump them all on someone so—so wonderful!

“Patton,” Logan said before anything could happen, “I've already confessed my attraction. But is it wise to continue? I-I am blind, after all.” The lame excuse fell flat on his ears. Patton seemed to find it a poor reason as well, as he squeezed Logan's hands and whispered a question.

“Would you like me to guide you to my lips, or just speak directions?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roman wasn't upset. He truly wasn't! He was incredibly excited that Logan had a boyfriend. He'd already planned three perfect dates for them, including one that would be enjoyable for Crofters. He'd suggested a road trip to visit family, he was so certain their aunt would love Patton. Just the other day, he'd caught himself daydreaming about what songs would be best for their wedding dance. What could he say? He was an imaginative guy.

No, Roman definitely wasn't upset. But he was worried. He worried that Patton would never figure out exactly how to toast Logan's toast. He worried that Patton would always forget to set up the table correctly. What went where in the fridge. Where to find the type of clothes Logan liked to wear. When to let him walk to school and when to drive him. But most of all, Roman worried that Patton would get tired. Tired of all of Logan's needs and routines. Tired of holding Logan's hand when they crossed the road. Tired of having to shop for him. Tired of not being able to do normal things with him.

He was worried that Patton would abandon his brother, breaking Logan's heart in the process.

So who could blame him for growing more protective?

It all came to a head one day.

“Get in the car, I'll grab your cane. Crofters! Here, boy!” Roman called. Logan had just seen fit to inform him that he had an interview that day. He was certain that Logan would be a wonderful teacher's pet—aide for CSU, where he attended classes, but . . . Roman was going to miss an audition if he took Logan. He'd been really excited about it, too. He was auditioning to play Feste in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night , but . . . he found himself doing the math in his head. The drive to CSU was fifteen minutes counting traffic lights, then the interview would likely be longer. Then a good brother would take Logan out to eat, regardless of the results of the interview. The audition was half an hour away, just in the other direction. He couldn't make both. Logan's needs and wants came before his. He knew that.

Needless to say, Roman was very surprised when Logan didn't move. “Come on!” Roman urged. “We don't want to be late.”

“Patton has agreed to provide transportation to the interview. If he doesn't show up, we live within walking distance of the school,” Logan added, forestalling Roman's next argument.

Roman didn't really know what to do with himself. Patton picked up Logan and Crofters. Roman tried to watch TV. He tried to rehearse his monologue. Eventually he left, arriving early at the audition.

It went fine, as far as he could remember. Nothing like the auditions from his high school days, but probably okay. He couldn't stop thinking about Logan—was he safe? Would he get lost? Taken advantage of? Who would comfort him if he failed the interview?

Roman left the theater and drove. He didn't know where he was headed. He drove until he arrived at the mall.

Roman had often had fun at the mall—he and his twin, Remus, had often come here to mess around. He had dozens of pictures of Remus running through the kids' play area, or of he himself posing as a mannequin, dressed in the most uppity clothes they could find. The memories were nice enough to look back on, but they carried a melancholy air. He hadn't seen Remus in four years, since they were eighteen. His twin had moved across the country, scared of the responsibility of their younger brother Logan when their parents had died. Roman had had to grow up fast.

Through the smog of memories, Roman realized he'd wandered into Barnes & Noble, the smell of books reminding him of Logan in a comforting way.

“Welcome to Barnes & Noble. Can I help you find anything?”

Roman spun around. The clerk standing behind him let his bangs fall in front of his face and didn't even try to smile. Roman forgot his woes momentarily as he was struck with a second of gay panic. This clerk was hot . Like, skater gruff mountain man mixed with Tom Holland. An emo baby with scruff. The heir to the evil legacy who loves the good prince. The type of dude on the big poster in the window of the shoe store. His eyes caught the nametag—Virgil. Even his name was hot.

“Thank you, but I think I've just found what I'm looking for,” Roman found himself flirting. The clerk blushed and averted his eyes, muttering a small “whatever” and walking past. Roman turned to watch him go—was he hot from behind?

He didn't get to know, as the clerk turned as well and met his eyes. “Nice hair,” Virgil said, cheeks still red. “Purple. Looks . . . edgy.”

Roman laughed. A little too hard. It made Virgil smile, though, so maybe it was okay.

“My lunch break's in twenty minutes,” Virgil said. “Can I, uh. Can I get you some Panera?”

“—and I wasn't entirely certain that I'd done the character justice, you know? I know it was just a cold reading—”

“Dude, Roman. Calm down. I'm sure you did awesome,” laughed Virgil. The two were sitting in a booth at Denny's, hands entwined over the table.

Virgil was being reasonable, but it was so hard to calm down. Roman tried to change his train of thought and ended up thinking about Logan. His brother was representing CSU at a college fair. Roman had argued against it (“I'll have Crofters and Patton, I will be fine. Fracture a femur at the callbacks and enjoy your outing with your boyfriend.”) but had lost. His mind started spiraling again as he wondered: what if Patton forgot about Logan? What if someone dognapped Crofters? What if someone took advantage of his naive, blind, baby brother, who would be standing proudly at his school's table with a smile and a brochure? What if—

“In for four, Ro. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Breathe, and focus on my voice.”

Roman hadn't realized he was panicking outwardly, but he tried to do as Virgil instructed. The breathing didn't feel like it was helping, though, and soon he ignored the rhythm. He kept thinking about all the dangers Logan was in, and wished he could keep Logan in the safety of their routine, where nothing changed and nothing was unknown.

“Tell me five things you can see.”

Roman hadn't noticed that his eyes were closed. He blinked them open to find his vision blurry with tears. “A beautiful man,” he managed, eyes sweeping over his boyfriend then the restaurant. “Uh. The carpet. That painting of the dogs playing poker. That boy's hat. And the hanging light.”

“I love you, you're doing great. Four things you can touch?”

“The booth, your hand. The table. My phone in my pocket.” When had he become so tired?

“Nice,” Virgil said quietly. “Three things you can hear?”

“Your voice. Music, and the news playing on that TV.”

“Almost done, you're doing awesome. Two things you can smell?”

Roman sniffed. That was easy. “Your lasagna, the syrup from my pancakes.”

“And one thing you can taste.”

Roman licked his lips and grinned. “Your lasagna.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, but smiled anyhow. “Feel a bit better?”

Roman nodded. He was still worried, but it was better. The sleepiness that filled his veins made him not want to think about it. He wondered sometimes how Virgil always knew how to calm him down.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Roman took a deep breath, then nodded again.

“I have a brother,” Virgil said. They'd finished eating and relocated their conversation to Virgil's pick-up truck. There Roman had spoken his worries, confessed that he couldn't seem to stop being anxious about Logan.

“Not really, I guess. I mean, I think of him as my brother. My parents foster. So he's my foster brother, but that doesn't matter. His name's Dee.” Virgil ran a hand through his hair. He spoke again.

“Dee . . . can't talk. Something happened in his birth home—I dunno if he was born like that, or abuse or what—but it was hard. Hard to not try and take care of him. He's in pain a lot of the time. More often than not, he has to have a feeding tube because swallowing hurts too much.

“It was hard to let him go. Dee's such an individual!” Virgil laughed slightly. “He got into debate when he was thirteen. He's super good at it, too. I just—I couldn't stop worrying. What could someone do to a boy with no voice? A boy who can't say no. A boy who can't yell for help.”

Roman felt a pang of familiarity. He'd had very similar thoughts about Logan.

“When he was sixteen, we got into a fight,” Virgil continued. “He was yelling—I say yelling. His hands were moving angrily—, I was yelling, and he finally snapped. Dee told me I was too protective. He could handle himself. Bunch of other stuff. He ended up telling me that one of us was going to have to move out, and he was fine with it being him.

“I wasn't—he needed help, and our parents could help better than some roommate. So I left. Moved out of state.”

“How?” Roman heard himself whispering. He couldn't imagine ever doing that to Logan.

Virgil shrugged uneasily. “I was pretty mad. I was still anxious, though—for a while I called home every day. Heck, I texted Dee all the time to make sure he was okay. I stopped when he told me to. I got a job, enrolled in a few classes at CSU. It got easier. Dee skypes me on Sundays to ask about my week. It's okay.”

“Logan wouldn't kick me out, though,” Roman said bluntly. “He—”

“Can survive without you.”

“What?”

Virgil smiled and took his hand. “Logan can survive without you,” he repeated. “He has strengths, even if they're different from yours. It's okay to be scared. Scared of someone hurting him. But it sounds like. . . .”

“Yes?”

“It sounds like you're scared of him not needing you.”

Roman felt tears filling his eyes. That—that was it. He hated to admit it, but that was it. “Ay, there's the rub,” he choked out. He collapsed against Virgil's chest, his body shaking with sobs.

“It's okay . . . it's okay,” Virgil murmured.

“I just—I've been there for him since our parents d-died,” Roman sniffled. “My b-brother left us and Lo was so—so lost, and I-I love him so much! I packed his lunch when he was sixteen and drove him to school and got a job and gave up everything! Just to take care of him! He—he's my purpose! He's been my purpose for years! How—how can I just mo-move on?”

“No one expects you to just move on,” Virgil said, tracing small circles on Roman's back. “But I'm here to help you get through this, and so is Logan. It's going to be okay. Depend on us. It's all going to work out. It'll be okay.”

“You must be Patton. It's good to meet you,” Virgil said, shaking the bespectacled man's hand. Patton grinned at him, then gently pulled forward the man whose hand he was holding.

“That's me! This is my boyfriend, and his dog, Crofters.”

“Thank you for introducing my dog, Patton,” the man said dryly. Virgil knew his name before he said it. It wasn't just because Logan was attached to Patton, or the fact that his golden retriever was named Crofters, or even the classic sunglasses shielding his eyes. It was the smattering of freckles on his nose. It was the dimple in his right cheek as he smiled fondly in the direction of his boyfriend. It was the slightly round way his voice sounded. There was no doubt that this was Roman's brother.

“I'm Logan. I must presume that you are Virgil?”

Virgil ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah. How's the move going?”

Patton grinned. “Really well!” he said excitedly. “I'm definitely picking up on Lo's routines, and Crofters is adjusting too!”

“That's good. Let me know if you need to borrow my truck. Anything for Roman's family.” He tugged awkwardly at his stiff collar. He hated dressing up, but this was for Roman. “Shall we go in, then?”

They walked into the theater, making a chain of sorts: Virgil leading Patton by the hand to the seats he'd already reserved for them, Patton leading Logan by the hand so he didn't run into anyone (something, as Logan pointed out, Crofters could do just fine).

“Do you want to hear Roman's bio?” Patton asked Logan once they were settled in, the program held open in his hands.

“I'm relatively certain I edited it for him, but read on, love,” came Logan's reply.

“'Roman Sanders, Prospero—Roman Sanders is pleased to make his acting debut as Prospero in—'”

The lights flickered. One minute before the show. All around them, people began to sit. Patton closed the program and quietly informed Logan that the show was about to begin.

Then the curtains parted.

Patton watched Logan, hoping he was following the story, and grinned at the look of interest on his boyfriend's face as he settled back into his chair. Everything was okay.

Logan listened closely. He'd heard Roman's lines a million times when his brother rehearsed at home, but this was different. All the characters came together in a complex symphony that made him never want to stop listening. Everything was going okay.

Virgil watched Roman throw his arms dramatically, miming control of a giant storm while Shakespeare sang from his lips. He felt a surge of affection, of love, for the man who had come so far. Everything would be okay.

Roman caught a glimpse of his family in the audience and smiled inwardly. They'd all come, just to see him. Everything was okay. Everything was going okay. Everything would be okay. It was okay to move on.

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hollymartinswrites · 4 years

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Chapters: 14/? Fandom: IT - Stephen King, IT (Movies - Muschietti), Doctor Sleep - Stephen King, Doctor Sleep (2019) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh Characters: Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier, Ben Hanscom, Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough, Mike Hanlon, Original Child Character(s), Dan “Danny” Torrance, Abra Stone Additional Tags: Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Domestic, Light Angst, Family Feels, Childhood Trauma, Adoption, Kid Fic, Adopted Children, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Marriage, Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier Are Parents, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Catholicism, Richie Tozier Has Issues, Extended Tozier Family, Medical Examinations, Stephen King References, The Shining References, Doctor Sleep References, References to Depression, Depression, Mentioned Sonia Kaspbrak

Summary:

Eddie and Richie embark on the most terrifying experience of all—parenthood. Or, the author desperately needed a domestic, family fix-it for Richie and Eddie and it turned into a much longer, angstier exploration than I expected.

Chapter XIV: The Tozier Family trip to Seattle is not without its surprises and gets Richie thinking.

Several weeks later

Richie was just on the edge of sleep when he felt a nudge. He opened his eyes and smiled as Eddie offered him a glass of red wine.

“Thanks, babe,” he muttered, yawning. Eddie collapsed beside him on the couch with his own glass and sighed happily.

“Merry Christmas,” Eddie said, clinking his glass to Richie’s before taking a sip. “We survived.”

“We sure did,” Richie replied, gazing at the unwrapped gifts under the tree and garbage bag filled with torn paper and ribbons. “It was a good day.”

Eddie nodded, leaning his head on Richie’s shoulder.

“I think I enjoy Christmas more now with the girls than I ever did as a kid,” he observed. “Well, that’s probably my mom’s fault but still.”

“Now, you’re right,” Richie agreed. “I remember in college, being depressed that Christmas would never feel the same but this is pretty damn close.”

The two men fell silent as they gazed at the tree and gifts, content to merely be alone together with one another. Richie closed his eyes again and yawned again.

“Ready for bed?” Eddie asked.

“I’ve been ready for bed since Thanksgiving,” Richie replied.

Eddie laughed before taking another sip of his wine.

“At least we got a few days to relax before our flight,” he observed.

“Why’d we even agree to this trip?” Richie groaned. “Can’t we just stay in bed until January 2nd?”

“Because we promised our friends,” Eddie pointed out. “And we love them.”

“Let’s cheat on them with sleep.”

“The tickets are already paid for.”

“Ugh, fine,” Richie sighed, opening his eyes and smiling down at Eddie. “I hate it when you’re rational.”

“You love it,” Eddie said, draining the last of his wine.

Richie nodded and curled in closer to his husband. His mind drifted to that morning, and he smiled as he recalled how excited and happy their daughters had been all day, the smiles never leaving their faces. It had made all the stress and planning worth it.

“Do you think the girls will be okay with this trip?” he asked quietly.

“Why wouldn’t they be?” Eddie asked.

Richie shrugged.

“It’s a long flight to Seattle,” he explained. “And Tess has never even been to an airport.”

“Yeah, but we’ve been preparing her,” Eddie replied. “And her therapist gave us plenty of help, too. Plus, she’s excited just because her sister is excited.”

Richie shrugged again. Eddie wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“You worry about her too much,” he said softly. “She’s a lot more capable than you think.”

“I know that,” Richie said quickly. “I don’t think she’s delicate or anything. It’s just that she’s…”

“She’s our baby, I know,” Eddie replied before leaning in to press a kiss against the side of Richie’s head.

“She has been doing a lot better,” Richie admitted. “I thought for sure that losing Abracadabra was going to be a bigger deal but if anything, she’s become more confident lately.”

“We gotta stop calling her that,” Eddie laughed. “The poor girl’s name is Abra.”

“I know, I know.”

“Do you think…” Eddie cleared his throat. “Do you think we should reach out to her again?”

Richie gazed at him.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Sometimes Tess brings her up,” Eddie said, “and yeah, she’s been fine but maybe she should...meet her.”

Richie sat up and blinked at him.

“What?”

“I know I’ve said I don’t want her or Dan in our lives but she did help our daughter and maybe it’ll be good for Tess,” Eddie sighed. “I don’t know, it’s just a thought.”

“Well, okay. It’s something to think about.” Richie gazed down at his unfinished glass of wine. “I’m gonna chug this and then we’re going to bed, okay?”

Eddie laughed again.

“Okay, babe,” he said.

“Their house should be coming up on the left,” Eddie said as he gazed down at his phone.

“Okay,” Richie replied, slowing their rented car down. “What’s the number again?”

“112. I think that’s it.”

“Holy shit,” Richie breathed.

“Papa said a bad word,” Lydia declared from the back seat.

“Yeah, I did, sorry,” he muttered. “This is just a kickass house.”

“That’s another bad word!”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Lydia shrugged.

“This is a really nice house,” Eddie observed as they pulled into the driveway. “Way too big for just the two of them.”

“They probably got a bunch of live-in assistants and housekeepers and whatnot,” Richie said, parking the car. He turned in his seat to gaze at his daughters. “You girls ready to see Uncle Ben and Aunt Bev?”

“Yes!” Tess and Lydia both shrieked excitedly.

“Best behavior, okay?” Eddie said. “We don’t want to give Uncle Ben and Aunt Bev a reason to regret inviting us over, right?”

“Right,” Lydia answered as Tess nodded solemnly.

Richie grinned and stepped out of the car, helping their daughters unbuckle and climb down.

“Where’s everyone else?” he asked Eddie as they walked up the winding path to the front door. “You think they Ubered or something?”

“They’re not coming in until tomorrow,” Eddie replied, holding Lydia’s hand. “Remember? Bev told us that last week.”

“Oh yeah. Why’d she want us earlier?”

Eddie shrugged.

“Maybe to kill us,” he offered.

“Aunt Bev wouldn’t do that,” Lydia insisted.

“I know, I’m just teasing.”

Richie reached down and lifted Tess into his arms.

“Wanna ring the doorbell?” he asked. She nodded her head vigorously and immediately reached out to press the button. “It’s got a camera, make a funny face for them.”

Tess and Lydia and Richie all pulled ridiculous faces at the camera while Eddie rolled his eyes and smiled fondly. The door swung open and Bev greeted them with a wide grin.

“Aunt Bev!” Lydia shrieked before anyone else could say a thing and immediately launched herself at Beverly.

“Hey, whoa,” Bev laughed, wrapping her arms around their daughter. “I’m happy to see you, too.”

“I think she’s just stircrazy from being cooped up in the hotel,” Richie observed. He leaned in to kiss her on her cheek. “How’re you doing, Bev? Merry belated Christmas and Happy New Year.”

“Merry Christmas,” Bev replied. She smiled gently at Tess. “Can I get a kiss?”

Much to her fathers’ delight, Tess nodded and allowed Bev to peck her quickly on her cheek.

“Good to see you, Bev,” Eddie smiled as he embraced her in the doorway.

“So good to see all of you,” she replied and stepped back. “We’re so glad you made it. I know it must’ve been hard to travel all this way. Come in.”

“Oh, nothing Xanax and a tablet full of downloaded Disney movies can’t handle,” Richie shrugged. He set Tess down on the ground. “Take your shoes off, girls.”

“Oh, they’re fine,” Bev said waving her hand. “Come in, come in.”

“Where’s Ben?” Eddie asked, hanging up the girls’ jackets.

“He’ll be right down. Come on, come into the living room.”

They followed her into a spacious living room, still decorated for Christmas, with a large sectional couch and huge TV that was already conveniently quietly playing cartoons. Lydia and Tess immediately sat down in front of it.

“Sit, sit,” Bev insisted. “Do you guys want anything to eat or drink?”

“We’re fine,” Eddie replied, “come here, talk to us. Tell us about your holiday.”

“Yeah, and why you and your trophy husband have been so cagey about this trip,” Richie said, sitting on the sofa. “I had a bet going with Eds that you were pregnant.”

Bev laughed and shook her head.

“No, no,” she said. “Sorry to disappoint.”

Richie shrugged.

“No big deal, he just owes me twenty bucks,” Eddie replied. “So what is going on?”

“Well…” Bev trailed off when they heard steps coming into the living room. “Here’s Ben, he’ll explain.”

As the two men turned to greet their friend, words abruptly died on their lips when they saw him standing there, smiling bashfully, with a baby in his arms. All was silent for a long moment, until Lydia excitedly exclaimed, “Baby!”

“Holy shit,” Richie gasped.

“Papa, stop saying bad words,” Tess insisted, sounding terribly embarrassed.

Bev and Ben both began to laugh.

“What is going on here?” Eddie asked, wide-eyed.

“Whose baby is that? Did you steal it? Are we accomplices now?” Richie quickly asked.

Ben rolled his eyes, still laughing, as he stepped into the living room, the wide-eyed baby carefully cradled in his arms.

“Tozier family,” he said, “meet baby Ida.”

“Hi Ida,” Lydia and Tess both said quickly, gazing at her in wonderment.

Ben smiled and stepped up beside his wife, who wrapped her arms around him. Richie and Eddie both continued staring at the two of them, slack-jawed.

“Well,” Bev said happily, “welcome to our surprise. Meet our daughter.”

Richie was the first to have his brain finally catch up with his mouth.

“So you were pregnant,” he declared. “I knew it! You owe me twenty bucks, Eds.”

“That’s what your first reaction is?” Eddie asked, dumbstruck.

Bev laughed.

“No, we used a surrogate,” she explained. “A college friend of mine. So, I’m sorry, Richie, Eddie wins on a technicality.”

“Damn it,” Richie muttered.

“Can we see the baby?” Tess asked gently.

“Wait, you need to wash your hands first,” Eddie said, snapping out of his shock. “We all do.”

“Bathroom’s right here,” Bev said, leading them down the hall, where they quickly washed and dried their hands.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Richie exclaimed, as they returned to the living room, Ben sitting on the sofa with Ida in his arms. She was happily sucking on her own hand.

“Well, it was Bev’s idea,” he admitted as the girls carefully sat on either side of him, gazing down at the baby.

“Bev, what were you thinking?”

“We didn’t want the fuss,” she explained, sitting down next to Lydia. “At first we were just going to wait until later in the pregnancy but then thought it would be easier to just keep it all a surprise.”

“But what about a shower or…?” Eddie asked.

Both Bev and Ben shook their hands.

“We don’t need stuff,” he said. “We just want you guys here. To finally meet her. That’s way more important to us.”

“How old is she?” Lydia asked.

“She’s just over three months,” Ben said. “She just started sleeping through the night.”

“So did Eddie,” Richie cracked.

“Harhar,” Eddie grumbled. He sat beside Tess and gazed at the baby in Ben’s arms, his face soft and gentle. “She is beautiful, you two. Congratulations.”

“Oh, yeah, we didn’t say that, did we?” Richie observed. “Congrats. And welcome to parenthood.”

“Thank you,” Bev said, smiling beatifically. “That’s actually why we asked you to come here before the rest of the Losers.”

“What do you mean?”

“You guys are parents,” Ben explained. “And amazing ones. We need advice.”

“More like we need all the help we can get,” Bev added.

Richie and Eddie both blinked and stared at one another, mildly confused.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” Richie explained, “but Eds and I are pretty much just winging it.”

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed, “plus, we’ve never had a baby. Lydia was five and Tess three when we adopted them.”

Bev opened her mouth to respond when Tess looked up at her father and made a tiny, whimpering sound.

“But I’m your baby,” she said softly, her eyes wide.

“Oh, for goodness—of course, you are, sweetheart,” Eddie said, quickly gathering Tess into his arms.

“Daddy just meant you’re not a little baby by Ida here,” Richie explained quickly. “You don’t need diapers or bottles, right?”

Tess considered this before nodding. Bev smiled gently at her.

“Would you like to hold her?” she offered gently.

Tess’s eyes lit up as Lydia pouted and Eddie’s own eyes widened in fear.

“I think she’s too young for that, right?” he asked.

“Nonsense, she just needs to sit still and have a pillow on her lap,” Bev explained. “Here, sit back, Tess, let me get you a pillow.”

“And then you can hold her for a bit, Lydia,” Ben said, quickly noticing the pout growing in intensity on their other daughter’s face.

Richie sighed in relief, desperate to avoid a full-on meltdown within the first half hour being there, and smiled reassuringly at Lydia. With Eddie’s help, Tess sat back on the couch as Bev placed a pillow on her lap.

“Hold your arms out,” Ben explained softly, “and be sure to support her neck.”

Tess nodded seriously and stared in fascination as he gently played Ida in her tiny arms. Eddie reached out and helped arrange her arms, whispering, “Careful, and be gentle. You’re a lot bigger and stronger than her.”

“There you go,” Ben said, sitting back. “You’re doing great.”

Tess stared down at Ida, whose big eyes were gazing around her in curiosity. Suddenly, a smile spread on Ida’s little face and she waved her chubby arms about.

“Aw, she likes you,” Bev exclaimed. “Maybe you and your sister can babysit someday.”

Tess looked up at her fathers and beamed. Something bright twisted inside Richie’s chest as he gazed at his daughter and when he looked up to meet Eddie’s face, he knew his husband felt the same way. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ben snapping pictures with his phone.

“My turn,” Lydia said, “please, please.”

“Alright, alright,” Eddie said, before turning towards Bev. “Okay if I do the hand-off?”

“Of course,” she said happily.

After repeating his instructions to Lydia, Eddie carefully took Ida into his arms and allowed himself one brief moment to simply cradle her against his chest before placing her in Lydia’s outstretched arms. Richie exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding and all he could think as he watched his husband holding the baby in his arms was, I hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me.

Gazing out at the skyline, Richie leaned against the balcony railing. The lights of the city were bright against the dark sky and though it was beautiful, he was looking forward to going home. He yawned and could see his breath escaping. He shivered.

The balcony door slid open and Eddie stepped out quietly before closing it behind him.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked. “It’s freezing.”

“Got my coat,” Richie shrugged, his hands shoved in his pockets. “Just needed some fresh air.”

“Seattle has some of the worst air pollution in the country,” Eddie observed, standing beside him and wrapping an arm around Richie’s.

“Of course you would know that,” Richie smirked. “Still, it’s a pretty view.”

Eddie nodded.

“The girls are asleep,” he said. “Why don’t you come back inside? It’s been a long day.”

“Eds,” Richie began instead of answering, “I...you...fuck.”

Eddie laughed.

“You still jetlagged, babe?” he asked, reaching up to curl a strand of Richie’s hair behind his ear.

“Do you ever think about having another kid?” Richie blurted out, inwardly wincing.

“Oh, God,” Eddie laughed, rolling his eyes, “I knew this was going to happen. The moment Ben put Ida in your arms, I saw you get all gooey and lovestruck.”

“I did not!”

“And when the girls were talking to her and reading her stories and when Ben asked us to be godfathers…”

“Alright, alright, I get it,” Richie huffed. “One day with an infant and I get baby fever. It’ll go away as soon as we’re on the plane back home.”

“Rich—”

“It’s just, I love our girls, right? I love them so fucking much, I can’t breathe at times,” he murmured, looking out towards the skyline again. “And I love raising a family with you and I think we got this parenting thing down pretty good so far. Besides, we’ve never had a baby.”

Eddie sighed and rested his head on Richie’s shoulder.

“I love our girls, too,” he said softly. “And being a parent with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me but don’t you think our family is complete? And you know how hard it is to adopt a baby versus an older kid.”

“I know,” Richie sighed. “I’m just...thinking out loud.”

Both men fell silent, gazing out to the city. Richie felt Eddie shiver and was about to offer to go back inside when Eddie reached up and kissed him.

“I did enjoy seeing you hold Ida,” Eddie whispered against his lips. “You’re a great dad and I have to admit, it’s a major turn on.”

“So I’m a DILF?” Richie asked, grinning. “I fucking knew it.”

“Mmhmm. Too bad we’re sharing a hotel room with our daughters,” Eddie whispered, smirking at his husband.

“Yeah, too, bad,” Richie replied. He glanced back at the sliding balcony door and was relieved to see that the curtains were closed. He started and turned back when he felt Eddie’s fingers at his fly. “It’s freezing out.”

“So let’s get warmed up,” Eddie replied, leaning up to firmly kiss him again as he unzipped Richie’s jeans.

#reddie #benverly #it chapter 2 #reddie fanfic

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