#but also Do Not Percieve me. I am Afraid Of What People Think

[cathalbravecog]

Man... I can't stop thinking about the things that were talked about on the stream, especially the answer on my question - so... get ready for a ramble! its a long one. oops. i dont even know where im going with this, im just dumping my thoughts somewhere. half is about ttcc lore in general and the streams, the other half is about cathal and me projecting onto him deeper.

before i even hop deeper into this, it wasn't until early today that i learned that there was a whole drama about cranky's answers (regarding the graham and flint question and the whole "keep it sane" thing. i thought it was...off, but i understood it as 'do what you want people, just don't start any harassment because of ships and your favorite pairs'.

definitely could have been phrased better, though. at least we got a good response and an apology later from maven on twitter. but i legit did not know this was a drama until those twitter posts were made LOL. i dont interact with the fandom so i do not know how that answer was percieved by most. or if anyone except for me and my friends have had any thoughts about the question i asked that got answered.)

and what im tryna get to is that i get cranky isnt the one to be answering lore things, and probably didnt know what to answer... but it's still something to think about

because being told "cogs and toons just dont become how they are out of the blue" (paraphrasing here) as an answer to what cathal initially thought of seeing his dad be bet up and thrown off a tower is... confusing? he did say first and foremost that it has to be built upon before saying that. i understand that this is... a lot of characters! and cathal did have some focus on him thanks to the comic and they wanted to focus on other managers... but some have deeper, more intricate lore that's easy to grasp (especially the more, well, angstier managers like chip and misty.)

and we have gotten some extra lore for other managers like belle, mary, tawny.... thanks to thomas' rambles.

and it's definitely difficult for a team of volounteers working hard on a fan game together to make lore for all the characters, that are still very young in their *life span*, having been around for less than a year. despite ttcc being more character driven and focused on the cogs, it's still a game they have to run so they cannot focus on lore only and some game management has to be done first. there's a bunch of things they have to consider, like consistency and how fans may react, or possible themes or what they want the story to be...

and. yeah. its hard since. come on lets admit it. clash has an issue with how these are all given to us. hell, there's lore bits i still dont know about and im still learning because it's..so all over the place. a new player will not know about it. maven acknowledged this in the tweet and i really appreciate that, as it's honestly been my number one issue with clash, especially as someone who is there for the lore. (i mean, and the gameplay, i know some people who don't play the game itself much. well i sure do a little TOO MUCH because i have PROBLEMS. but im interested in the lore, too, yknow?)

some lore you cant learn from the wiki, and unless you interact with the community, you may never learn *where* all of this even is. if you werent live for certain lore there, it's hardly accessible to you. lore locked behind one time events, an arg website, wikis, discord chats... all that. it's hard to keep track of! i'm sure it's like that for both the fans and the writers. these characters are great, fun, and i love them, but the way we are given this information is... not the best. it's very easy to miss certain details.

it's especially bad if you're like me - only ever interacting with a close group of people you trust, (because people are scary especially a lot of... lore driven fans. yeahnoimeanshippers.sorry.and just big crowds of people in general) having only gotten back into the game recently AFTER most of the major lore events (first played once in 2019, then never again until january 2023) and also you dislike youtube and video content, so you dont watch it. something in your brain would rather if you step on a nail than watch a playthrough video (especially with commentary).

like in general it shouldnt be necessary to go through all these hoops just to know the lore! especially for things that may have little lore...

anyways, uh, back to cathal. i cannot stop thinking about this.

it definitely wasnt an answer to what i specifically asked - but possibly more so about... why cathal is the way he is? and despite what my brain and low self esteem during hard times may tell me - i do not believe that anybody is truly "lazy". i just dont think that exists. there's always some reason behind a person being unmotivated or lazy. even the little things!

but like... that's just kinda obvious. all toons and cogs have motivations. thats like... one of the basics of writing characters. have motivations for characters and reasons for why they are how they are. doesnt have to be anything tragic, just.... how they are as people.

it's totally unrelated to the question of what cathal thought about seeing his dad like that... but oh well! i asked that because i made up my own story around that already, and i just wanted to see what someone working on the game thinks about the same idea.

not to be Tumblr User CathalBravecog, but, of course I have projected heavily onto cathal. i have already stated how important cathal is to me as a character, especially with appreciating myself when im.. not exactly the most motivated. when im not doing much. taught me to appreciate breaks. hell! i keep preaching this myself. its okay to take breaks! and yet i often end up not doing it and i overwork myself on games and art and other things.

there's... a lot of things "wrong" with me that i don't have names for yet, especially due to not having a diagnosis for them, but they're very real feelings and they cause me to be unable to do things a lot of the time. various mental blocks and a new member of the gang... physical pai! hooray.

this... endless productivity we are forced and expected to do. it can take a toll on you. breaks are just as necessary and to say it's a thing that has to be re-learned is... sickening. hooray for living in a Corporate (clash) society, fellas.

one thing i can say is that i absolutely headcanon that cathal has adhd - though, maybe not the same type i do. i do not think he gets randomly hyper and wants to (and does) jump around everywhere and blurt things out randomly and impulsively. cathal here has the low energy, yknow.

i like that a lot of the content around him doesnt even describe him with the words "lazy" and "sleepy" instead.

every day is the same... even if his job is relatively simple, just watching over the camera feed - it's definitely boring... and having to do it every day is not rewarding. and being mostly alone and without consequence, he gives into wanting to do something else. he's got these huge screens and a room to himself, and he loves watching shows and cartoons... so he's gonna do that. it's more fun. it's stimulating. and especially with his dad being the one to give him his position, he knows that he's got nothing to really worry about there.

i also think it's a bit hard to be motivated knowing that... this war between the cogs and toons is just. endless. hell, again, he has to see his dad *everyday* be attacked by them. his body damaged after the fall - only to be fixed again. rinse and repeat. i would too, find it pointless. especially if you're like cathal, since i pointed out before that he is very kind and caring towards the other cogs. he's also thoughtful, noting that yknow... a lot of stairs to get to his room.

why do all that when you can chill... and feel good. do something that feels nice...

i don't have any names for this, but with how sleepy he usually is, that's definitely a thing to consider too. and just, from experience... being tired and/or sleepy it... dismotivates you even more. its so hard to start tasks even if you *want* to do them. and considering cathal mooost likely doesn't want to do his work on his own - then these tasks can be just. impossible to start.

like, i have struggled with this my entire life myself, just because of my adhd screwing with everything, but after getting covid and most definitely getting a form of chronic exhaustion from it.. things have been even harder. i pull myself through day and i barely have the energy to even start anything. sometimes i dont even do anything all day and... woops! still no mood or energy to do anything. i just work on random bursts of motivation and things that captivate me...

not sure how it relates to cathal, but, hey, if im personal here ill ramble about it too because WOW it has been biting me in the ass and i need to speak to Professionals About It

like... i dont think hes being "lazy" willingly, yknow? theres a reason behind it. it definitely is just... being sleepy, the comfort... the fun and stimulation doing something fun he's interested in (his shows) are just... stronger desires and way easier for him to get to. why struggle through something when it takes up all your energy, and then you feel no reward for it? yeah. exactly. even just "not feeling like it" is a reson. "not having energy" is a reason. hey, are these things to get better about if needed? certainly. i wish i could get help with this, it would help me in my life so so much. but should it be seen as ENTIRELY negative and as being a "hinder to society". hell nah. and i think thats swag. cathal is swag he can do this, good for him lmaooo. my brain is deteriorating i apologize.

there was... another thing i wanted to say, but i forgot. so i'll move on.

but just... yeah. i dont think cathal is just lazy. i dont believe in "laziness". he's got reasons for why he prefers naps and just... watching tv instead of doing his work. perhaps he does want to do these things, but gave up on trying. its not worth the effort, it does not feel good. its not stimulating enough to keep him going.

#long #ramble #cathalposting #i...may delete this later i dont know. i both wanna talk to ppl i know about this #but also Do Not Percieve me. I am Afraid Of What People Think #Stay Back Foul Beasts ! #alsoy eah i had other stuff to talk about...more on the negative side i guess but??? its. a bit difficult to #give and .. angstier things? negative thoughts? to a character who you see a lot of comfort in. they make you happy #they help you feel better about yourself. you want to see them happy. if theyre happy #youre happy. if theyre sad...well. you are sad. sadness is natural. its a real thing. it happens sometimes. its a part of life #and i have attached some of these things to cathal already. but a few things are hard for me to consider because of The Brain Worms. #i dont want to see him hurt either yknow. #anyways i hope you enjoyer my mental illness ramble. im not normal and you shouldve known that when you followed me #thank you for existing cathal ray toby braveswag #hey fun fact remember how i said i get tired of stuff myself easily well this whole thing made me tired. i was gonna #answer an ask but now im like. man. (melts into a puddle) #(doesnt take a break bc i need instant stimulation and makes things worse for myself) #do yall see why i like cathal so much now gamers? #ya. sorry this got personal. if any of you can handle reading this u deserve a reward. #and maybe i need to start talking about personal things this much. but whatever #this is my blog i can talk about anything and thats the COOL THING! #MWAHAHAHHAHAHA! #dies #ivegot a lot going on in my brain rn cant u tell

[justwonder113]

Showering Felix with affection

Bang Chan; Lee Know; Changbin; Hyunjin; Han; Seungmin; IN;

Summary: Even though you feel more than secure in your relationship with Felix you still can't help but feel possessive sometimes...

Warnings: Slightly suggestive; Reader is whipped as always; Reader is slightly jealous/possesive; Reader is feeling like a mess? Half naked Felix(that needs a whole warning as itself); Felix being himself making reader lose their mind(from love? Idk it's like 3 am brain is not braining)

word count- 1.7k

A/N- I'm alive!!! This one took me way more time than I intendet to. But I'm glad how it turned out to be. I really worked my butt over it so I really hope you'll like it. Reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated I'm really curious to know what you think. Thank you so much for all the support and kind comments, they mean the world to me and give me the biggest drive 🩷 I'll try to write and upload next part as soon as I can

This was too much! Like way much more than you could handle! You didn't know if you felt was extreme pride for both your boyfriend's achievements and overall amazingness and the fact that he was, in fact, yours, or the bitter feeling of jealousy, because your boyfriend basically stripped in front of thousands, no, millions of stays. There was no way in hell this clip wouldn't blow up the whole internet in minutes!

Being in a relationship with an idol sure came with a lot of challenges. You felt secure in your relationship, Felix, despite having millions of fans thirsting over him, never gave you any reason to doubt hiis love and sincerity. Sometimes the fact that Feliz had so many admirers made you feeel so much pride and boosted your confidence so much, the Lee Yongbok Felix, the man who could have literally anyone in the world, the man who had so many admirers chose you and stayed with you. The feeling was surely something else. You wondered what changed today. Was it because so many people saw him shirtless? The jealousy was gnawing you from the inside. Maybe it wasn't jealosy and rather than that you were feeling possesive. You didn't want to word this wrong, but you guessed that you considered Felix as yours, just as he percieved you as his, you were sure of it, you weren't really posessive and you would rather die than make Felix uncomfortable with an ugly feeling like that, it's just seeing that so many people saw him in different light you only had the pleasure of seeing really rubbed you the wrong way.

You kinda felt bad for feeling like this. Felix was the boyfriend one could only dream of. He only did his job as an idol and entertainer so why were you sulking like this? You knew that dating an idol was like. But for God's sake you were only human! Hearing other's thirsty comments nade yiur blood boul. Others were trying to watch the show! You also almost had a cardiac areest watching your boyfriend, but you still contained yourself (your panties were most likely(certainty) ruined)! You didn't make thirsty comments and disturbed others. Oh how you wished you could just walk up on the stage and really show them who Felix really belonged with. Oh to see the jealous looks on their faces, but no, you couldn't do it to Felix. He told you that he was ready to tell the world about your relationship countless times but you knew it could affect him as an idol a lot so you told him that you knew he loved you and appreciated the gesture but he didn't meed to do that. Also you were talking out of your butt as if you had any chance to go up on the stage with heavy security like this... You could still out your relationship! You just couldn't do it to Felix. He didn't deserve to be in scandal because your pride was hurt.

Even after hours went by the bitter feeling didn't go away, and you were afraid Felix was starting to notice your absentmindness. As you thought the internet was blown over it. Everyone kept gushing about Felix, and you felt both immence pride and bitterness.

Huffing out annoyed you got up from the bed to drink water. You were in your hotel room with Felix. Others went in their own rooms to sleep. You were waiting for Felix to finish his shower. It was quite late, but you felt nowhere near sleepy.

You took a sip from your water and almost choked to death when you saw Felix emerge from the bathroom, towel hanging low on his lips. His waist and uppeenbody glistening from the water, hair srill damp and dripping. What was in the air tonight? This boy was going to be the death of you. He had to be crafted from the God's themselves because what the heck?! Most men you knew had either decent personality or decent looks and in most cases neither, and then you had this specimen. What the hell, how? He was also next to you softly patting your back the second you started choking on water. Like man pick a struggle it's unfair to be perfect in every way.

"Are you okay angel?" Felix asked with his deadly beautiful voice after you calmed down. You had to be thankful if you survived this day, or this boy generally.

"Yeah, I'm fine." It took you a few seconds but you managed to answer. God your heart was jumping out of your ribcage. Felix looked at you for a second then shook his head.

His warm hand engulfed yours, "You've barely spoken the whole night, talk to me love, did something happen?" His thumb never stopped rubbing small circles on your hand. He always had such a calming effect on you and, usually, the second he touched you became so putty and melted like a puddle, but today it didn't seem to work. You were too on edge.

"Did I upset you with something?" Felix asked looking unsure yet remorseful, you felt guilty, too caught up with yourself you tuned out Felix, making him believe he was in the wrong. You straightened up and stood in front of him, his gaze carefully examining your every move. Normally, whenever he looked at you like that it made you shy away, but now you were feeling rather bold.

Not breaking the eye contact you got closer and closer slightly pushing him back so that in the couple of steps the back of his legs met the bed and it only took you a slight nudge to push him on the bed.

Not wasting a moment you straddled his lap. He didn't hesitate and put his hands on your waist. His thumbs slowly rubbing circles to soothe you into talking. He looked at you with wide eyes, he clearly didn't expect you to do something bold like this, but he didn't seem to mind it, quite the opposite, actually. You knew him too well to miss the mischevious glint in his eyes.

"Can I kiss you?" Felix quickly nodded his head. He leaned in pushing on his elbows and met you halfway to a kiss. His lips were soft as ever, you immediately whimpered at the touch, already feeling weak in the knees. Sometimes you felt as if Felix was some type of drug. There was no way the attachment and constant longing you felt towards him was normal. Especially his kisses. If you could, you would spend eternity carresing his soft lips with yours. His soft lips gliding over yours had you feeling euphoric. Mere brush of his lips against yours made you feel alive. You wondered if he knew how much you loved him.

Felix returned the kiss with just as much love and passion you put into it if not more. Once soft and slow kiss was now hard and passionate and was igniting you from inside. You didn't even want to lean back for air despite your lungs already starting to burn. He must have realized you actually needed air to breathe so he leaned back, but he still held you close. His lips now softly carresing your neck while you regained your composure. You were sure your neck would be a sight to behold in the morning. But to put it quite frankly, you didn't give a damn.

Your eyes met, he tried to say something but you didn't let him. God, you felt awful. But you didn't know what to do, what to say. You were in an emotional turmoil. You were a mess. All you knew was that you had to show him how much you loved him, how much he meant for you.

Moving from his lips you started to litter his bautiful face. His pretty nose, his pretty eyes, his forehead. You made sure to kiss his cheeks as many times as much freckles he had. The way Felix squirmed beneath you, the way he was all flushed up and embarrassed, how he couldn't hold the eye contact and the way his red and swollen pouty lips kept mumbling that you should kiss his lips instead was driving you crazy.

After placing one last kiss right beneath his jaw, you leaned back and took the sight in. Your heart was about to burst out of your chest. How did he look ehetheral every given second?

"I love you so much, you know that, right?" You slowly muttered after a few long seconds of debating how could you force yourself to talk, or just simply what were you going to say. Felix looked at you for a second before suddenly moving you two, so thay now you were beneath him, and he was on top. The sight of him hovering above you didn't really help your situation, like at all! Because now the light was hitting him from the back just right, and the shadows made his features look more defined and sculptured, and you were not feeling good at all.

"What are you doing?" You couldn't help but ask, you couldn't tell what his blank face meant. Felix smiled and your heart melted yet again. "Showing you just how much I love you. Also, I have to pay back for all the kisses you gave me, so brace yourself love." He winked at you and you couldn't help but giggle. What a dork. You were about to make a clever remark, but he shut you up by connecting your lips once again. His one hand sliging through your hair while the other arm wrapped around your waist drawing you closer. You've never felt more safe and loved. And you felt silly for ever worrying. This man loved you just as much as you loved him.

You smiled into the kiss and just let yourself go.

#stray kids #stray kids fluff #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #skz #stray kids imagines #skz fluff #skz imagines #stray kids x female reader #stray kids x you #stray kids x y/n #stray kids x male reader #stray kids x gender neutral reader #felix scenarios #lee felix #felix #felix fluff #felix imagines #felix lee #felix skz #felix stray kids #felix x reader #lee felix x reader #lee felix fluff #skz felix #stray kids felix #felix x you #felix x y/n #felix x gender neutral reader

[pansyfemme]

hey i just found your blog and wanted to let you know that your gender expression is exactly what i want for myself, but i'm so afraid of getting there.

I identified as nonbinary for four years before I started T and soon after that realized I was just a binary trans man. I used to dress pretty feminine a lot of the time, I used to wear a lot of makeup, jewelry, skirts and dresses, etc and I wasn't ashamed of it. I even would dress up in drag sometimes, and I still have all of that stuff. but I also had really severe dysphoria that was so debilitating. when I started T and first began to pass, I gained a bunch of weight and no longer fit a lot of my feminine clothes. And I stopped dressing feminine at all.

For months I was soaking up the euphoria of now passing as male, it was so amazing and such a huge relief. I liked being masculine a lot of the time, I gradually ended up turning into a bear, and I loved that. But eventually I started to miss my old style, I missed wearing makeup and I missed it all. I started wearing earrings again to work, my boss always comments on them that she loves them, and it makes me happy. But it's not enough.

I have really deeply ingrained internalized homophobia, it's probably something I need to work on but right now I have a lot else on my plate. I live in a blue state, in a progressive city, I've never experienced any LGBT hate personally directed at me, but the fear is still there. I'm also terrified of people assuming I'm nonbinary again, because I know with my heart that isn't me. I'm a man, there is no question to my maleness at all to me. It took me a long time to realize that. Even now that I pass, my dysphoria fears are still there, and I fear that dressing how I want to would cause people to misgender me again, but this time as nonbinary instead of female.

I have a bunch of money in gift cards at this one costume/vintage store I got most of my old stuff at, I want to go and revamp my closet with stuff that fits me now, but I'm so afraid now that I pass as male. I'm afraid of the judgmenet, trying to be a feminine man when I am neither skinny nor hairless.

Do you have any words of advice at all? Looking at the photos in your pinned post, you give me so much gender envy. And we're the same age. I wish I could get to where you are but I have so much fear preventing me. Thank you for your time, hope you are having a wonderful day <3

First of all, thank you for such a sweet honest message. It means a lot that I could be someone you think of to seek advice from.

Given your concerns, i cannot tell you that it's going to be easy. I'm also from a progressive city in a blue state, but even there, i get a lot of rude words shouted from cars, laughs at me, and a lot of hurtful statements pretty reguarly. I also have that issue of people assuming im detranstioning or nonbinary. I'm not saying these things to caution you against it, because I continue to dress the way I do regardless of these things, but I want to be fully honest about how I experience going out in public the way I do. I'm lucky enough to have very supportive friends, teachers and classmates, that are both positive towards, and downright thrilled about the way I present.

I feel very similarly towards my maleness. I identified with various labels in middle and highschool, but remained he/him pronouns and leaned masculine until i realized that perhaps I was just a man who enjoyed presenting femininly. The original transition back to dressing feminine happened while i was still identifying as nonbinary, but already on hrt. For a period of time, i decided to present very differently. I was on hrt, but i shaved all my body hair, wore heavy makeup, and i still had my chest at the time, so i essentially presented as what most would percieve as a cis female but continued to use he/him. This wasn't an act of detransiton, it was actually based on consistant bodyshaming i recieved from another trans person in my life. I'm just spelling this out because at different times in my transiton, i have presented as masculine, feminine, androgynous and something in between both before and after medical transiton. I still have days I choose to take on a more masculine apperance in public for various reasons, though I no longer have the ability to pass as a cis woman. I believe that gender presentation is fully fluid, and I've become pretty comfortable moving between different states of being even when my idenity remains static. What you are percieved as externally has very little to do with your internal idenity, and being fluid in presentation doesn't mean your personal identity is fluid.

For me, the best ways I could manage presenting the way I do is the fact that I have a personal network of people who are very confidently supportive of my choices, as well as seeing a regular therapist who encouraged my crossdressing after seeing how happy it made me. You have to be aware that even if you are already visably queer, this will increase it signifigantly. Queer visability can be good, and theres no way to entirely turn off your visability, but understanding that dressing like this can become stressful or anxiety inducing is a big factor. I, for example, never use gendered public restrooms unless i am presenting masculinely. The main positives of dressing this way is that it can feel really genuine. I don't feel like a girl in makeup and skirts, I feel and look like how I am. You'll also notice a decline in people gendering you specifically transmasculinly. Yes, people will assume you're trans, but you will be left to tell people your actual identity. While having they/them used on you can be an issue, I find people ask your pronouns a lot more often when they can't directly assume he/him or she/her. This has led to me gaining a lot of control over my own coming out, and me being able to tell someone my idenity in my words because they can't fit into boxes immediatly. So yes, people may assume you are nonbinary. However, this can manifest in different ways, including people being less likely to assume things as all, if that makes sense.

The issue with being fat and hairy and presenting femininly can manifest in a lot of ways. It's just an assumption that people make that a man who presents femininly must be skinny, hairless, and submissive. The power we have is being able to show people that that isn't reflective of our community. As a guy on here who's gained a lot of following specifically for being a feminine man who is not what people may expect by that description has lead to a lot of people telling me they've experimented a lot more with gender presentation, and that means a lot. I cannot tell you that people will be polite about it. However, I have experienced a lot of love towards me because of those aspects of me as well, and that's really exciting.

I appriciate the ask. sorry it took a few days.

[sporesgalaxy]

Haha it’s silence gender crisis anon again, you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to/feel like it..but I’ve been trying to do research on gender and different gender identities and I am just kinda confused, does genderqueer include people who feel sorta cis but also gnc ? For reference I consider myself cis cuz I’m afab and prefer she/her, so I just. Kinda assume that means I’m cis. But I also feel like a girl who’s a boy, sorta, I want to have short hair and wear mens clothes, and I like being referred to as a guy/dude/etc, but I still prefer she/her pronouns. Or would that be demigirl? I’m afraid of…overstepping boundaries or “taking” identities I shouldn’t, I guess. Anyways sorry to ramble, gender is a MESS

From my experience, genderqueer is an umbrella term for anyone who thinks that "queer" describes their relationship gender, and therefore can include people who prefer their assigned pronouns but dress gnc and/or do other nonconforming stuff in the gender department.

The term queer in modern usage describes an experience that is othered because it is percieved as different from the predominant cultural narrative of cishet conformity. I feel like there's better ways to describe queerness but this is as good as I can manage right now, as just Some Guy on the internet. You can read about "Queer Theory," the analytical lens, if you want to see more philosophical descriptions and explorations of queerness and the term queer.

I'm gonna talk about myself some now and hope it helps. There's not really an easy diagnostic tool for being genderqueer since it's so broad, so this is the best I can think to offer.

I feel like we have some stuff in common. Maybe you'll relate or maybe you'll be able to contrast yourself against it and still get some clarity? Anyways here goes

•••

I 100% understand the fear of overstepping. My early gender questioning was a lot of fretting about that.

I am often too scared to dress very far beyond what's considered acceptable for my assigned gender. It helps that jeans and a t-shirt are considered unisex. When I feel like I look successfully "pretty" in highly feminine clothes, I don't feel like people will see ME when they look at me. It feels dishonest or misleading somehow. Men's clothes often fit my body better, and I often like how they look on me. I wanna wear a suit someday so bad it makes me look STUPID.

I don't know how I feel about pronouns and that's why I'm trying literally all of them, in theory, with the whole any pronouns thing. Hasn't cleared anything up. But I've heard most cis people actively dislike being called by pronouns other than their assigned ones, so my experience of indifference is apparently a queer one! I prefer variety in pronouns and terms for the sake of feeling like the breadth of my identity is being acknowledged. I don't feel as strongly about that variety with close personal friends who I trust to understand me.

A lot of my gender nonconformity could theoretically fall under just being feminism-- girls shouldn't have to shave or wear makeup, should be able to hang out shirtless nonsexually, should be able to dress and cut their hair however they want. This has been a source of self-doubt for me many times.

But when I think about...what I want people to think when they look at me and interact with me, I don't want them to think "oh, women can wear whatever they want." I want them to think "what is going on here, exactly? I'm not sure. Maybe I don't have to be sure." And that...sounds pretty not cis to me! Sounds pretty outside-the-binary. So that's what I am!

#asks

[sm-writes-chaos]

Asking all the writeblrs I love to grow a vast garden, apologies if I ask the same thing twice *

Hello! I'm attempting to grow a Tumblr garden, with input from people around here to make a series of short stories about' houseplant fairies. The hope would be to have a 'community tumblr garden' full of all the wholesomeness the internet can offer.

Here's the request/seed - do you have a prior worry' or 'stumbling block'. perhaps an event or a piece of advice others told you that didn't help much or simply an' obstacle that you overcame. To be honest, I'm unsure of how to accurately describe 'the seed' but something in the realm of 'society expectations versus what actually helped- or whatever you wish? Also also, favorite plant/houseplant/ flower to write the story about.

Here's the houseplants we have so far in case this was confusing.

The Venus Flytrap from @poetsandstuff

"I've had advice about 'getting out there' and just socialising lile im not dieing on the inside every time"

The Venus Flytrap episode one - Relationships

The Rose from @briarborealisart

"i could still be true to myself while valuing what others thought."

Episode one - Thorns

The Prayer Plant from @awleeofficial

"I worry about how I am percieved by the people in my life as well as the creative works that I choose to share, and I can be rather hard on myself when it doesn't come out perfect."

Episode one - Inspiration

Thanks for participating :)



Oh yes I saw this on my dash before it's very cool! I'll try to see if I understand correctly. Since perfectionism was already talked about I'll do another struggle of mine.

I worry a lot about interpretation. In real life I think very hard about what I say and try to make it perfect so as to not offend anyone, or so that no one can take what I'm saying the wrong way. In my writing I feel as if I have to explain why I added each little detail before I realized that a lot of things are audience interpretation. They're not going to see it the way I do but I still worry that they'll get the "wrong" interpretation.

I'm held back in what I say and do because of this, and my writing as well. They say to "be yourself" but what if myself rubs them the wrong way? So I guess it's like feeling like you want to desperately speak your mind but your on mute.

I try to remember that people will always think differently than me and to not be afraid what people will say. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what people think I said.

And for plants...it's so hard to choose! I'll have to go with the California Poppy. It represents freedom which is something I'd like to feel more of when I want to speak. (and its pretty)

This is a really cool project thanks for involving me!

#ask #writeblr #writing

[lefluoritesys]

TW: trauma talk, abuse talk, murder, potential spoilers to FNaF, general triggers surrounding FNaF

I apologize in advance for any mistakes or incoherence I make in this post, as I am concussed and trying my best.

In addition to my previous post, I would like to make a separate post about just how much, as a traumagenic C-DID system, Join Us For A Bite speaks to me.

We have loved this song since it first came out due to us being in the Five Nights at Freddy's Fandom for over 7-8 years now, if not more. When the remastered version was released, the song was once again brought to our attention, and we fell in love with it all over again, but now for a different reason other than nostalgia and our love for FNaF as a whole.

In all honesty, I truly believe that in some lyrics, it captures the experience of DID/OSDD perfectly. The game itself might not, but the sides of the game that this song portrays are bringing up some good points that shine a light on plurality.

Some people are afraid of animatronics, especially humanoid, and in one place, unsupervised. In the FNaF universe, they are also portrayed as designed killing machines, which is how people sometimes percieve DID/OSDD due to stigma surrounding it. But, the catch is, all the animatronics are souls of dead children stuck in said animatronics. Despite some of them being hostile, most of them are lost souls who experienced horrible trauma and made to relive it and be stuck with reminders of it for the rest of their lives. Live a life they didn't choose in one place and not be able to get out. Stuffed in suits.

They, even if made as machines to entertain the public, are all who did not ask for a life stuck in reliving those events. Alters, despite being made to cope with trauma, sometimes as nonhuman, are all still their own people, who did not ask for a life stuck in reliving those events.

They are inviting. Tell you to come over, to play, because they are friendly. And what other people don't realize is that those animatronics, despite seeming like normal robots, have a lot of hidden "skeletons in their closet," and the more said robots speak, the more it becomes obvious that it is a huge part of their identity. Especially since none of them want to be in the position they are in. They are lonely, having to deal with everything on their own, thinking nobody outside of the place they're stuck in will understand. Which is, in some ways, true. There are people who will never understand and/or believe. If one of those animatronics were to tell a random person they are actually a dead child, that person would laugh at it as a joke, or start yelling that that animatronic is a "freak," or, the "curious" ones, will say "prove it." See what I'm hinting at here?

On top of that, even though I stated most of them are made as killing machines, none of them want to be hostile. But it is a mechanism that is engraved in them, something that they either do to survive, or the way they were made. 50% of the time, it's out of their control. Same Baby built Ennard and killed the player due to wanting to escape. And sometimes, when you do something for survival or to build a better life for yourself, especially in a bad situation, you need to make bad decisions.

Speaking of Baby, she could be seen as a protector/prosecutor/persecutor. She is the one who is attempting to build a better life for robots she considers family. In the song, there is a line that goes: "I'm always watching because somebody purple murdered me." It's like a protector saying they are always on guard around other people because of the trauma they have experienced. She is also manipulative and abusive to others while truky believing she does what she does for a good cause and for the sake of everybody, which is pretty standard persecutor behavior (not saying all persecutors are like that but some of them).

Close to the end of the song, there comes the: "We're only playing, just wanted to make a few new friends!" This is the type of downplaying and 'brushing it off' that I usually see systems do. It's hard not to talk about trauma when it's literally a part of your identity. In FNaF's case, they are literally souls stuck in robots. As well as it is hard to take the trauma seriously or for how horrific it is since you have been surrounded by it for so long, you don't have experiences that are not a part of your trauma.

These souls have to attempt to pretend to be said robots because if they don't, people would freak out, try to hurt them, too. And, again, who would believe that a soul is actually stuck in a robot? Many people might say, "I would," but when faced with such a situation, would you? Really?

The whole pizzeria and Sister Location could be taken as an inner world, too. Being stuck there without being able to leave. Inner worlds are entirely based on things that both comfort and trigger you and are made based on your trauma. "When you're with us, the party never ends," alters are always in the inner world, having to deal with everything they've been through. Despite it being fun at times, it also still sucks in many ways. Parties are fun, doesn't mean they're not triggering.

Here's some lyrics that perfectly describes DID that I might not have mentioned:

"All eyes are on you.

We can walk you through our dark fantasy!

Learn what we've gone through,

We can teach you to laugh at tragedy.

You thought the nightmares ended back at Freddy's?

We're all still right here. So let's get friendly."

"We're feeling festive,

Join the party, we'll try hard not to bite!

Anger is restless,

Don't hold it against us, we're alright!"

"I'm always watching because somebody purple murdered me."

"We'll be found down deep underground,

What have I done to deserve this damnation?

Who knows if you're the one to blame?

Cause we don't even know your name."

"We're only playing, just wanted to make a few new friends!

You plan on staying? When you're with us, the party never ends!

You might look at me and think you're going crazy,

I lost it long ago, you're not alone, baby!"

And this is why I, your resident FNaF nerd, due to a system-wide childhood hyperfixation, think Join Us For A Bite perfectly describes DID/OSDD.

(None of this is justifying murder or abuse. I am simply drawing parallels in the FNaF lore and DID/OSDD.)

-host

#Spotify #did #osdd system #did system #osdd #system #dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #system stuff #system things #did osdd #osdd 1a #osdd 1b #complex dissociative identity disorder #fnaf #fnaf spoilers #five nights at freddy's #join us for a bite #jt music #physical trauma #abuse trauma #trauma #physical abuse #emotional abuse #child abuse #tw abuse #abuse #ptsd recovery #complex ptsd #ptsd

[tojasosbigmek]

I just cant sleep, and its eclipse time. An intense one. It has been so long since I wrote an actual real rant. I dont even know how and what to begin on. Current feelings: being scared because im emotionally being put out, being vulnerable. Why? Because im tryna let my guards down. Im just so scared. I really do love this man. So im being sad and crying since this started. Purging out old shit that is needed to be let go. If we think about it, it is really a blessing. Everything is, honestly. We always progress forward, we can never go backwards or undo the growth.

Things can suck, but don't be afraid of it. Let it happen, then it will go. The bad feelings, feeling betrayed, broken, like wanting to die, they are all extremely bad and intense feelings but they pass. Which is still an interesting and new thing for me. I prolly never let things go, and im learning it how to. But it is also quite common for people to bottle up.

Honestly, im just happy to just be. It is always getting better. You know, it cant be peaceful only, things break down and start, there is chaos before peace, and there is silence before the storm. And it is how it is. It cannot be any different and it is unimaginable to live in complete peace. We sometimes experience downfall, breaking, sadness, depression, mental breakdowns, losses of all kinds, but then, there is space for something new. There are endless possibilities, and you know, this is just awesome and just feels so justifying and feels like i cracked the code, the code that mostly no one understands and do not make any steps to do so. They stop there, they have their reality that way, and they stay there, even though they are suffering. Because they are the suffer themselves. You can't see more of the world than what you can see right now. It is simple as that. Sounds like every reality is real and valid, but honestly, as someone that is over a lot of hardships and kinda found peace in living, i feel like i have lived in an illusion. Well, everything is one. If we get out of something, we can see it as something different. A dream is only unreal when we are woken up. So, shifting is always something we need to change. What initiates change? Thats a more complex thing for me to simply answer. It's like, if there was a potential in our core what we use. We can say its our path to go. It's written. But, honestly, its not written, its just that time is not real, we experience everything at once but we like to be in different dimensions of existence, where time is being percieved. So, you basically know everything. Everything, you were, you are and you will be, if we think in the time existence. But, you are not you, you are you with every other beings so there is no them against you but only you.

With all of this knowledge, its hard to actually live on Earth. Im hardly staying here. Im not compatible with this place because i dont belong here anymore, hence my growth stage. But i came here because i wanted to. So now, even tho I am hardly alive here, I try to be more compatible with this place and try to give meaning of my stay.

There are things I still don't know, so yeah, I still have place here thankfully. Like, I don't know why love hormones do not fill my body, while I know that I am in love. What is this whole thing tho? When am I attached for traumatic reasons, regarding only myself vs. when I actually love the other person? If a person is someone I actually need because they give something I dont have yet, thats temporary and is not lasting. Its karmic. Its intense. If its not intense, but I rather see with my third eye, that its something to keep and cherish, and just me having unconditional love towards a person, thats a whole different thing. Seems like something I kinda have the control over. But, even if we cant have control, we dont need that. We just need to stay in touch with ourselves, and let the flow happen, which is not painful.

Even if im writing this out, I will not actively think about it. I don't even need to tho, cuz its all in me. I wish to release whats not serving me, what is not supposed to be there, and I'm willing to let go of these emotions, I'm willing to relive what I could not process before, to process it now. I don't care about what people think because they don't know anything. They are programmed by society.

I have to say, I am also scared of studying, because I am scared that I will fail. I think about it differently, but this is how I feel, because I store this.

I feel like I could talk and talk and talk never endingly.

[kitsu-katsu]

About revived (by Derivakat)

(Disclaimer: Nothing against Derivakat, I think her songs are amazing in general and she's very talented, I simply have a bone to pick with these lyrics and characterization)

So um, here's my counter to some of the lyrics because fuck it, I'm tired and fueled by spite, let's go:

Let's start with the chorus:

"White streak in my hair but no stress now" - Funnily incorrect, cc!Wilbur confirmed that the white hair is from stress itself, it's not about the revival process alone. Also just by reasoning, I cannot imagine what might have been stressful about spiralling and believing that the world is out to crush you, believing that you're the scum of the Earth as well, only to die, spend 13 and half years in dark isolation and then being jolted back up to life missing huge chunks of information, really cannot fathom how that might be stressful /s

"I've seen hell, but this is a bit more my style" - True you know? It's awesome that he's said that he's over the moon about being alive again after spending 13 and a half years of pure isolation in the dark, screming until his throat was hoarse. But coming from the tone of it, I'd like to point out that Wilbur's also still passively suicidal and self harms (check out the part under "He doesn't love TNT, he self-harms with it" in this post)

"A decade of time to make everything mine" (also counts for "This is my sunrise, this is my dawn, this is what I've waited for all along. All of this time, all this is mine. MINE. MINE. MINE!")- Honestly, based on what he's been doing, no prejudices, forget everything fandom's said: he doesn't really seem to want to "make everything his", does he? This perception mostly comes from him saying "This is my sunrise, this is mine!" in the original revival stream, however, if you forget about common fandom perception, what's so evilly framed about a guy who spent 13 and a half years of isolation in the dark saying "this is my sunrise!" after watching the sun coming up again for the first time since his death, in which he was extremely emotionally unstable? Like for real?

Now onto the verses:

"Am I the bad guy? I'll be the bad guy again" and "I've come back hell-bent" - Now, he has said that: “Here’s the thing, Tommy. I, I, I, I know I was bad, and I know I can redeem myself, but like, you know, there’s a little bit of fun in being bad, you know, we’ve spoken about this.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 11:31, 5th May), BUT, since then he's also expressed genuine remorse for his worse actions during Pogtopia (check out the parts under "He really regrets what happened in Pogtopia" and "Wilbur cares. A LOT" in this post), a wanting to redeem himself and truly become better and... uh... OH! He's also admitted that he's afraid he scares people and cried when Ranboo said that he was "an alright person". For real, just watch the Healthy Competition stream and read this reddit post by cc!Wilbur

The reddit post in question, just in case:

"You think I cared? It was always a means to an end" - So false. Just... so false. Ok, so quick one, let's review the actual lines said originally about him "not caring for L'manburg" in full:

“Uh, one thing, I didn’t actually really care about L'Manberg, I just cared about, you know, sticking it to the man. Actually, I cared about L'Manberg for the sole reason that I could use it to stick it to the man.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 24:18, 5th May)

“Look, I- Okay, I said it wrong. Look, I did care about- I did care about L'Manberg, but I cared about it for- You would call it the wrong reasons, but I, I- Just don’t think about it, don’t think about it too hard. Look, L'Manberg’s gone now, we’ve got that, you know- That, that wart on my side is gone, you know. I salute it, I salute it, you know, it was a great- It was a great place.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 25:18, 5th May)

“Look, Tommy, I’m gonna reiterate for you once more because I don’t think you quite understood, and that’s okay, you know, you don’t need to understand everything. I did care about L'Manberg. I did, I did. A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, Tommy. L'Manberg would have been as loved by me had it been called Bimbum and was built in the middle of the desert.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 26:05, 5th May)

“The actual location, and the actual things it was, it were, were not important to me. It’s the thing it stood for. Which was freedom, liberty, and sticking it to the man, Tommy!” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 26:26, 5th May)

“We were a family, Tommy. We were…” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 27:26, 5th May)

So as you may see, he retracts himself immediately and explains his feelings with more nuance

Then, let's look at the more recent confession to Ranboo:

“I told Tommy that I didn’t actually care about L'Manberg, and that it was just like a tool for me to use to gain like, you know, power and stuff. But it’s not, it’s not true.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 26:36, 3rd Aug)

“L'Manberg is- was really important to me. And it is still to this day.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 26:47, 3rd Aug)

“I want it to, em, I want its history to live on not as a stain caused by me, you know. I basically just took a big shit on the history books, it feels like. I wanna, I wanna make it, I wanna make it feel like it was, you know, it was something that happened. You know, it was a great thing, you know, think of the good times. The- The years of safety. Well, not years, but you know.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 26:47, 3rd Aug)

If this got more explicit I'd be literally hitting you over the head with it. Anyway, check out the parts under "Wilbur cared. A LOT" and "He really cared and cares about L'Manburg, and didn't want its ideals twisted to hur others with" in this post

"So who cares? So what? I'm not calming down" and "Shut up! And listen" - “Tommy, shut up! I mean, Tommy, come over here. Tommy, come over here, come over here, man. It’s cool, it’s cool, it’s cool. Sorry, I, I-” (Alivebur)

– (Wilbur’s A Deck of Cards with a Green Smile on them: 26:08, 31st May)

That line's totality gets often cut down, erasing the immediate apology after the loss of cool. Furthermore, I'd argue that him "not calming down" in general is mainly due to his euphoria and overexcitement during certain scenes where it makes complete sense for him to be feeling like that, and in a broader sense, he has a tendency to say things in the heat of the moment and out of impulsivity that he turns to later regret from all the way back at Pogtopia. Him not calming down now is either out of impulsivity or outright euphoria to be out of limbo, not necessarily an evil thing. And when he percieves he should calm down, he tries his best to do it, or apologizes for snapping

“I’m sorry I wasn’t, you know, entirely on the same page. But, man, I promise you, I’ve calmed down, you know, I’m all, I’m all settled in. I understand, you know, what’s changed, what hasn’t, who’s new, who’s old, you know, who’s still about, you know, who… Who, uh… uh… Who trusts me and stuff.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 15:04, 3rd Aug)

“I relived that explosion in my head so many times man. And, and, and I- I get that you don’t, you don’t trust me, I do, but like, man, look at me, bro, I’m not gonna do it again. I’m not gonna- I’m not gonna hurt you again.” - (Wilbur’s A Year Later: 21:21, 3rd Aug)

(Check out the parts under "Wilbur cares. A LOT", "Paranoia and distrustfulness are integral parts of his character", "Self-loathing and self-sabotage are also integral parts of his character", "He hesitated regarding the button tons of times" and "He feels inhuman. He knows that people see him as a freak, evil or crazy and that makes him feel dehumanized" in this post)

"There's nothing wrong with me" - BUDDY. Wilbur drowns in self-hatred, what are you talking about? The man got caught off guard and cried when someone said "you're an alright person"... He's worried that he scares people, he knows how others see him on top of his own self-hatred

“TommyInnit, as you know, is just, he thinks I’m insane. I’m not insane, chat, I’m not insane.” - (Wilbur’s The Festival: 4:30, 16th Oct)

“See, I’m not so crazy, Tommy. I know what I’m doing.” - (Wilbur’s The Festival: 16:40, 16th Oct)

“I’ve told you, I’m not crazy, Tommy. I know what I’m doing, and this is genuinely the best thing we could do right now.” - (Wilbur’s The Festival: 17:18, 16th Oct)

“I’m not crazy! How am I crazy?!” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 43:18, 17th Oct)

“Everyone I seem to meet has this deep intrisnic feeling of disgust towards me. Jack Manifold seemed to be quite nice to me, but I reckon he, I could feel it, you know, in his stare. But like, you don’t have that. I can tell you’re a good guy.” - (Wilbur’s resurrected gentleman of L'manburg: 30:24, 5th May)

“Quackity, I’ve, I’ve, I’ve, I’ll be honest you with you, I’ve lost everything, man. I, um. I’ve lost decades of my life. I’ve lost my- most of the people who cared about me. Some people don’t even know I’m back yet, and I, and I think that’s probably for the best. So I feel like that does humble a man. That really humbles a man, you know?” – (Wilbur’s A Deck of Cards with a Green Smile on them: 1:00:52, 31st May)

“Listen, Phil, I met, I met Quackity. After you very kindly lent me your house. I went and met him. Yeah! I met up with him, and I hadn’t seen him in ages. It was, I’m gonna say it, it was nice. It was a nice time. I- I- It felt good, it felt, uh, you know, he didn’t, he didn’t seem afraid of me, which is cool.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 7:38, 25th July)

“Not many people do. I mean, Phil, you don’t seem afraid of me, you’re not afraid of me, are you, Phil?” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 8:03, 25th July)

“Good, good. 'Cause I’m not afraid of you.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 8:10, 25th July)

“Why? Why? … No, no, no, no, no, not the, not the bit about the, not the bit about the right foot, the why don’t you think I’m a bad person?” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 35:13, 25th July)

“Can I be real with you, man? I think I scare people.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 36:30, 25th July)

“I mean, like I, I, I, I don’t think I, I- I think a lot of people share your idea, but they share your idea in trying to- trying to keep me from hurting them, you know? Like they’ve seen what I can do, and they don’t want me to do it again, so they adopt your emotion in order to do it.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 36:46, 25th July)

“Dream is- He’s had his comeuppance, and I have not! My comeuppance was apparently not good enough for this people. They’re just waiting, they’re waiting for the next thing for me to slip up on, and, Ranboo, I’m not gonna fucking slip up, Ranboo. I’m different.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 38:07, 25th July)

“I’m living in eternal limbo, again. I’ve been through limbo, I’m out of limbo, and socially, I’m still in this limbo.” - (Wilbur’s Healthy Competition: 38:36, 25th July)

(Check out the parts under "He feels inhuman. He knows that people see him as a freak, evil or crazy and that makes him feel dehumanized", "Paranoia and distrustfulness are integral parts of his character" and "Self-loathing and self-sabotage are also integral parts of his character" in this post)

"Oh yes, I blew up the nation!" (said with glee) - I make a point of the tone in this specific line, because I could make a point of the tone in the whole song, but this line is a good example. He didn't blow up L'manburg just with glee like "hell yeah! I did it!". Of course he talks about it with pride sometimes, but it's usually either said in the middle of the same impulsive moments in which he'd claim he doesn't care, said with relief of him having control over at least that situation (like him sighing right after doing it just to ask Phil to finish it off by killing him), or said with the same deflection with which he'd claim that not having a grave didn't affect him and was badass actually since he only wanted it for the hateful obituaries anyway (which was a lie, and he admitted it on the third of august stream when saying "I was so pressed about not having a grave" in case you had doubts)

Finally, I want to make emphasis on the fact that: The explosion on the 16th had two main drives behind it and they often get glossed over. The first objectivee was blowing it up and causing just enough destruction to get L'manburg back (You know, when Wilbur still had some kind of hope). After his spiral went further and his paranoia and self-loathing worsened, his two drives become apparent: First was blowing it up to rid the world of the twisted thing L'manburg became, ridding the world of what the twisted version of his ideals became with Schlatt in control of them. Secondly, he wanted to end L'manburg as a part of himself and rid the world of himself completely (by this I'm referencing his suicide), he decided he wanted to die and expected that as a result since a lot of time before the 16th. The explosion was effectively a bigger projection of his suicide, rid the world of both himself and his creation, mixed with his constant desire to protect, it also becomes "rid the world of the corrupted version of L'manburg that became Manburg", because for all intents and purposes, since the important thing about L'manburg was its founding ideals, L'manburg had been dead for a long time at that point.

“Yesterday I had the perfect opportunity to blow everything up and finally end it, you know. I had the perfect opportunity to finally blow up everything and end it and just completely save everyone, right, from the tyranny of Schlatt and the tyranny of the existence of Manberg and L’Manberg, right.” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 25:17, 17th Oct)

“Explain it to me! Give me a reason! Give me a reason!” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 26:50, 17th Oct)

“Who else is it gonna hurt?! It’s gonna hurt Schlatt, Manberg, and-” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 26:55, 17th Oct)

“Why did I bring- I should have just done it. I’m such a fucking showman. I should have just done it.” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 27:18, 17th Oct)

“No you two can escape, I’ll be the… I’ll- I’ll- I’ll be… I’ll be trapped in here…” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 27:27, 17th Oct)

“I just- I just want to f… I just wanna end it, I wanna end it. I wanna press that button, man.” - (Wilbur’s Speedy Stream Festival What festival: 28:08, 17th Oct)

(Check out the parts under "Wilbur cares. A LOT", "Paranoia and distrustfulness are integral parts of his character", "Self-loathing and self-sabotage are also integral parts of his character", "He hesitated regarding the button tons of times", "He really cared and cares about L'Manburg, and didn't want its ideals twisted to hur others with", and "He really regrets what happened in Pogtopia" in this post)

#tw self harm mention #tw suicide mention #wilbur #wilbur soot #c!wilbur #wilbur dsmp #revived #revivedbur #alivebur #revived wilbur #derivakat revived #fandom critical #dsmp #dream smp #analysis #c!wilbur analysis

[brownandblackpearls]

🦇𝒯he  𝒱isitor (Alucard Tepes x BlackReader) Pt.3

PART 3 SUMMARY:

You’re given a lackluster tour of Dracula’s castle that adds more questions than it answers, yet your quarters are beyond admirable and enough to forget the mysteries for just tonight. His ice is slowly melting, but not enough for you to see anything certain. To help speed things along, you decide to be a friendly guest and cook breakfast for the both of you.

─── Alucard x black female reader

─── imagery + fiction

─── explicit smut

─── Fantasy, vampires, hurt/comfort, enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, magic user, cute bats, gardening, cooking, cottagecore MC, castlecore Alucard.

☾ previous. ☾ next.

┌───────────━┿──┿━──────────┐

└───────────━┿──┿━──────────┘

Your host is as gracious as the circumstances allow, you begin to realize. As immense and as glorious as the few parts of the castle you’ve seen are, your host confides that they were once even grander. He speaks briefly of there being a battle of sorts. He doesn’t say when or why, despite prodding, but it helps to fill in some of the gaps you have.

Spying some of the deeper gouges and gashes in the tough stone, you can’t help but wonder exactly what he was battling.

“You won the battle, then...?” You ask.

“Something like that,” he says simply enough, but it reads rather ominously to your ears.

You pause as you follow him, trying your best not to sound too afraid. You hope no enemies from this past battle still sneak about...

“So it’s just you and I, here…?”

He turns on you slowly, and a familiar dread rises in your gut as you realize you’ve angered him once again. Unfortunately for you, you’re not sure how. His features appear natural and still, but what you are feeling under your skin hints at the truth to his demeanor. You catch a hint of fang as he speaks, and you wonder if it’s intentional.

“Yes. Does that suit your plans?”

You hesitate, unsure.

“I…’plans’? I don’t—“

“—Allow me to assist you. Silver is a trifle. Stakes are laughable. Garlic does nothing, and no holy symbol nor water—no matter what wayward priest you find to bless it—will help your cause. Sunlight is a pleasure to my skin, which heals from fire, knife wounds, and all other maladies in conception, if you even manage to pierce it. If a Belmont had trouble making me bleed, you surely will. The few things that I am susceptible to, are magic, decapitation, and stakes, but then again, who isn’t? I implore you to try though, and wish you luck. Believe me, you will need it.”

Like before, as if you’ve been transported back behind the walls of books, he is upon you, and you cannot help but tremble. The ruby red is back, flickering just behind his sunstorm eyes. You are beside yourself but you do your best to think quickly as to what nonexistent offense he’s percieved.

‘Does he think I mean to kill him? How even could he assume such a thing…? From me, of all people...?’

“I do not wish to make an attempt on your life,” you say slowly, clearly. “My magic is very poor, but not my behavior towards hosts kind enough to allow me in their homes.” You put a heavy emphasis on the ‘host’ portion, hoping to remind him of his promise from before.

“Enlighten me then,” he asks in a tone that seeks anything but enlightenment. “Why do you want to know if we are alone, if not to better plan something that would require isolation?”

You find yourself frowning.

“You…you completely misunderstand me, sir…” you begin, stepping back. “I just…I asked if we were alone because….I…I…”

Something in your face must call out to his reason, because the red drains out from his eyes and he steps away, reeling back. The grieved look returns.

“You’re afraid,” he realizes suddenly, aloud. “You want to ensure nothing else lurks in these walls.”

You nod, happy to be comprehended, for once.

“Yes,” you insist. “The damage from the battle...I see it, and I think that your foes were very strong. I only hope they were all defeated and that it is just you and I here, alone, sir—er, Alucard.”

He nods, looking somewhat embarrassed now.

“It is only us, in these walls.”

You sigh happily, glad to have your fears discarded. The castle was still scary and intimidating of course, as large as it was. It felt as though something had to be tiptoeing somewhere around in the fortress, yet...he would know the place better than you, wouldn’t he...? And if he says its just you two, then hopefully that is so.

“Good,” you sigh. 

He makes no move at the sound of his name in your mouth, but he does think on your words before bowing his head ever so lightly.

“I apologize,” he admits. “I keep...jumping to conclusions. I made you fret after giving my word. Forgive me.”

You watch him with pleasant surprise, the corner of your mouth quirking up. 

So there were manners somewhere in there.

“You’re forgiven. I’m sure you must have had a rough go of assassins, being who you are and all.”

“I’ve had my share,” he admits, before turning to advance through the corridor. You don’t have time to think about his ‘share’, trying to keep up. You know he can move far faster than he is showing now, and you appreciate the effort he makes to go at a human pace so that you may follow closely behind. 

Deep down, you are still worried about what lays in the castle. You do feel safer, knowing something supernatural like him is at your side, and vowed to make sure no harm befalls you.

“Well,” you continue conversationally, trailing after him, “thank you for soothing my concerns. I feel all the safer for it.””

“...Odd,” he comments. “Hm?”

“You, feeling safer alone in Dracula’s castle, with a dhampir.”

You chuckle.

“I suppose it is odd when you put it that way. Just work on that temper of yours, and I’ll really be right as rain!” The jest is funny enough for you, but it doesn’t land so well with your present company.

He scowls, but the real heat is gone. Energized from knowing he is bound by promise and that there are no others here, you feel bold enough to place an assuring hand on his arm. 

He feels strong and solid, like stone. He stiffens before pulling away, peering down at you.

You try your best not to look too hurt. You smile assuringly instead.

“Believe me, Alucard. I’m not here to try and do you in. I mean, look at me! You think I’m foolish enough to attempt such a thing on you when I could hardly handle that crowd of ruffians outside?”

You laugh then, slapping a hand on your leg. It is the bare one from the rip in your dress, and the smack is much louder than you anticipate. It’s enough to silence you into meek embarrassment.

Alucard simply watches you before turning around and leading you on.

You follow him silently now, and you quickly find that the tour is rather lacking. He says little about the winding halls you are led through, and you can’t help but wonder the stories of each hallway, of each room. Will you ever learn of them?

The place is monstrous, and so the soles of your feet are a bit sore by the time you reach what Alucard regards as your quarters.

“You will stay here,” he gestures past a large emblemed door into a wide room. 

You peer inside, finding a beautifully canopied bed, heavy curtains attached to what you can only assume is a gigantic window. There is a large bookcase, a fireplace, an armchair, a desk, and a small door leading into another room. 

“That is your bathing room,” he notes.

When you stare at him curiously, he explains.

“My father possessed immense technological advancements,” he says quickly, as if he’s explained it several times before. Perhaps he has.

‘So his father is Dracula,’ you think. ‘But the stories of Dracula were much more…gruesome and cruel. If this is his son...this man is certainly scary when roused, but…’

His deep voice breaks you out of your reverie.

“The washing room has a basin called a ‘tub’. There is also a bidet with a smaller basin called a toilet. No need for outhouses or bringing up jugs of water here. We have plumbing.”

Now, you’re utterly confused.

Alucard sighs.

“Just…follow me. I’ll show you.”

You do just that and watch, engrossed, as your host thoroughly lays out and points to every faucet, knob, and all of their uses. Before long, you ascend from a common traveling woman to an expert in an alternate world knowledgeable on things such as ‘plumbing’.

You beam at the tub and sink, too giddy with joy to hide it. You bounce a little, your hands drawing to your chest excitedly.

Alucard levels a raised brow at you, pausing.

“...Are you alright?”

You nod happily, twirling in the bathroom to face him.

“This place is incredible! Plumbing! Who would’ve thought? There was almost something like this I saw over the Eastern seas, but the people there called them…acq..acqueducts! They were these large beams that delivered their water…oh, but no matter! My hair! Goodness, it will be leagues easier…”

Alucard glances at your crown of curled, kinky locks before refocusing on you.

“How did you manage, before?”

“Oh, ponds. Streams. Rivers. The seaside. That sort of thing,” you say absently. “The chill of the water did wonders for my mane, but I felt like an icicle the entire time. And you say I can have heated, freshwater through these devices? I can’t lie, I’m ecstatic!”

Alucard nods shortly at that, watching you curiously, but seemingly unable to share your interest in the fixtures. Perhaps you’re more of an interest for him at this point than the plumbing. You eyeball his own healthy mane and assume he’s long been used to such luxuries.

“Oh, but…can I wash my garbs in the tub, too?”

Alucard tilts his head at that before realization sparks in his eyes.

“No. No, you’ll wear something else. That’s fairly ruined.”

You silently leave out the part that it is partially his fault, but he seems to catch on anyway.

“I…” he tries stiffly. “I apologize again. For before.”

“Oh?” You respond innocently. “For what? Scaring me? Yelling at me? Threatening my life? Tripping me?”

He sinks a little lower with each act. 

“All of it.”

“Oh! Well, then you’re forgiven. As much as I appreciate the apology, I have a feeling that this ‘tub’ will more than make up for it.”

Alucard seems to relax at that, showing you the cabinets with everything you’ll need.

“I’ll…” he trails off. “I’ll find you some clothing.”

He turns to leave, but you reach out to gently grip the tuft of white blouse peeking out from his sleeve. He turns, watching you sharply. 

He does not pull away, though. You call it progress.

“Alucard,” you say. “Thank you for your hospitality. Sincerely.”

He looks to the floor instead of your eyes—as if he’s afraid of what he’ll find there—before gently pulling away and wordlessly leaving the room.

───────────━┿──┿━──────────

You are lucky enough to find interesting soaps and good-smelling candles before working the bath. With some maneuvering and much delight, you are able to conjure bubbles through use of items you’ve scavenged from the cabinets. You find washcloths, sponges, brushes, and an assortment of other things.

You want to wait for your host to return first, but as the minutes continue to pass you realize you need to take advantage of the hot water before it cools.

You shed your clothes, undo your hair, and step into the water-filled basin.

“God…” you whisper, goosebumps rising on your skin.

It feels incredible.

You sink into the water, a smile on your face. You haven’t felt something this good since traveling to hot springs in your more daring adventures. Back then, you had to evade the cultist locals for a hint of heated water. This was so different, as it was your own personal hot spring whenever you desired!

You sink deeper into the water for a bit before beginning to scrub and lather your journey off of you. You decide to empty and fill the tub once more, just because you can, and bathe a little more before feeling pristine to your liking.

Stepping out, you massage in some leftover body oil from your pack. You clean the basin before peeking out into your room.

There is no one present, but a new, soft nightdress lays comfortably on the chair. Your fireplace is even lit.

You smile to yourself as you step out and lift the nightdress, assessing it.

“So his bark is louder than his bite,” you decide aloud.

You change swiftly, and despite being in such an strange situation, once in the massive bed, you find sleep has come right on your heels. Your eyes almost slide shut until you hear a knock at your door.

You open your eyes and slip out of bed. You push open your door—which has a heavy lock, you now realize—to see Alucard, in low lantern light, gazing back at you.

“I trust you found everything,” he says, rather than asks. You hear the question for what it is.

“Yes,” you smile. “Thank you.”

He considers your expression for a long moment before nodding his affirmation.

“Hm. Very well. There is a lock on the door of your room…if that’s any consolation to any fears you may have. Feel free to use it. Good night then,” he says, turning to leave.

“Alucard?” You call.

When he waits for you without turning to face you, you speak.

“Where will you be staying?”

‘If I need you,’ you think. 

You soon realize that this may become a situation where Alucard hears something in your speech that is not really there. With a solemn look, and the absence of an anger just as disturbing as its presence, he points to a door just down the hall from you. You would be pleased if not for the expression on his face.

“Just there,” he says. 

You realize that due to the two misunderstandings being him assuming you want to kill him, that this is likely what this third time revolves around. 

“Alucard,” you try, “I don’t intend to condescend, but you must know, I only ask for my own concern. I’m happier to know that my host is nearby. I meant no ill will by it. I’d be a poor assassin, remember?”

“Yes,” he answers quietly, as if he really is just recalling it. “I remember.”

“You’d hear me before I even entered, I bet!”

“I would.”

“So there is nothing to worry about…right…?”

His stiff shoulders finally seem to relax an inch. 

“I suppose. In any case…You are not to enter my domain, under any circumstances, outside of imminent danger. It would be…unwise of you.”

You nod, unsure of what exactly he means but positive he that he does mean what he says.

“I will see you in the morning...?” 

He pauses at that, looking somewhat bewildered. 

“I…yes, you will.”

“Alright!” You nod, pleased. “Good night then.”

Closing the door, you turn to the large, firelit room and beam.

It is a princess’s quarters…no, a queen’s! You will live lavish while you’re here, it seems.

You lay on the soft mattress under the thick covers, knowing pleasure you’ve never felt before until sleep takes you gently into the night.

───────────━┿──┿━──────────

When you wake, it is before the sun has fully broken into the sky. Pretty blues and pinks spill across the sky outside your window, so different from the cold colors of the day before. Rising in your nightgown, you spy a dress on the chair of your room. Alucard must have entered in your sleep. Had you locked the door...? You cannot recall. Under normal circumstances, traveling on the road, you would have never forgotten such a thing as utilizing a lock. For some reason, perhaps last night you felt you didn’t need to. 

You absently palm your neck for pinpricks of the vampiric sort, and find nothing.

‘Good enough for me, then.’

The dress lays before you, waiting

It is different, without any tears, and deep in its color. You pause before adorning it, turning this way and that in the looking glass before attempting to do something with your hair. 

‘I look rather stunning in this. Why does he have such nice women's clothing lying about, I wonder...?’

Once complete, you decide to do something as equally nice for your host as this dress was for you.

“Breakfast! I’ll make us breakfast. Dhampirs can eat food, right…? Now, if only I could find the kitchen…”

You spy your basket by the door. Another gift from your late-night visitor.

You pick up your newly returned basket from the room’s entrance, flipping over the blanket to spy your stolen vegetables still intact. 

You leave your rooms with a smile that slowly falls.

‘He said not to disturb him…perhaps I can find the kitchens myself? They must be on the first level, maybe the underground chambers, if anything. That’s how all castles are. I’d better start now if I hope to finish in time.’

You’re certain you will get lost, but you have a feeling that your host can easily find you again.

You pause, realizing something.

‘I hope I don’t find bottles of blood or something lying around…or something else’

On that sobering thought, you strap your dagger’s hilt tighter to your thigh. Alucard said you were both alone, but it couldn’t hurt to be vigilant.

You venture out and do your best to recreate the inverse of Alucard’s path to the great hall. After several turns and rerouting, you finally begin to recognize the way back to the grand hall. It takes far longer than you anticipated, and your soles begin to complain a little once you find the grand staircase.

With some exploration on the main floor, you finally come across a door leading into what appears to be a small kitchen. The floors are clean as are the pots and pans hanging from their hooks on the walls. You spy plenty of utensils, knives, and what appears to be another basin...plumbing. You will ask Alucard the name later.

You set down the basket, pleased to have reached your goal, and get to work.

“Can’t have just a vegetable scramble. He’s a literal dhampir, and I could use some protein.”

You can't find any aprons about, and so you wrap what looks to be a tablecloth around your pretty dress. No reason to ruin it with the trials of breakfast.

You hunt for eggs, meat, nuts, and anything of the protein type. After some pillaging, you are able to find all three and get to work. The eggs are small, and the meat is fox, rabbit, and fish instead of the typical villager fare of cows and pigs, but you make it work. You wash your hands and begin to carve out fillets, prep vegetables from your basket, and luck upon some spices. You search for oil, but can only find butter, and so you do your best with it.

Soon enough, the kitchen begins to fill with the scents and fumes of a bountiful breakfast. You plate the spiced eggs, the braised meat, the sautéed vegetables, and fill a pitcher with water. You think about finding the secret garden nearby once more to perhaps make juice from berries and fruits, or even preserve. Turning to the wood table, you set everything down before finding your final item.

The loaf of bread is well hidden, but not well enough. It is a little stale, but not enough to discourage. You claim it and cut it before setting it out on the table as well.

Turning to wash your hands one final time, you are unsurprised to find Alucard stalking in the doorway of the kitchen when you turn back around.

“What are you doing...?” he grouses, clearly just having recently awoken.

“Cooking us breakfast,” you sass, “you’re welcome, by the way. Oh, uh...you can eat food, right...?”

Alucard’s sleepy demeanor slowly fades as he nods, his interest growing as the smells of food clearly begin to assault him and cause wonders for his mood.

“Well?” You say, undoing the tablecloth-apron and taking a seat for yourself. “What are you waiting for? Sit with me, let’s eat!”

───────────━┿──┿━──────────

AN: Do not under any circumstances copy, repost, or edit any of my work. If you see someone do so, please let me know.

☾ previous. ☾ next. 

☾ check my blog for more imagines.

#imagine #castlevania x black!y/n #castlevania black y/n #castlevania x blackreader #castlevania x black y/n #castlevania y/n #castlevania x black!reader #castlevania black reader #castlevania x reader #castlevania imagine #alucard x black y/n #alucard x blackreader #alucard x black!reader #alucard tepes imagine #alucard imagine #adrian tepes imagine #adrian tepes #castlevania

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: INFP with social anxiety here. I have a therapist but we're focusing on some other issues right now. In the meantime, I was wondering if you had some advice for me. I know you're not a professional (you say that multiple times in your posts) and of course I'm not asking you for a fix for my social anxiety with this - I'm just asking your help to understand what part my cognition could be playing in all of this cause I'm really curious.

Basically, my problem is the time frame right BEFORE I meet someone and, sometimes, immediately after. I don't really have problems socializing in the "middle", if you get what I mean; I'm easily adaptable and once I'm relaxed, once I realize no one is there to attack me, my mind starts getting ideas and I kind of know what to say, even though I'm a bit out of practice and I still have problems convincing other people of my emotions (like, mirroring their emotions so that they know I agree with them and stuff like that; for some reason they never ---believe me when I say it with words).

When I make plans, anyway, and I still haven't met the person, I get this anxiety: like I would rather stay home than go there because it's going to be "boring" and I'm probably going to feel like an idiot or make some sort of social gaffe. I mean, I do kinda get bored after a while anyway, but I also know I tend to overestimate that level of "future boredom" to the point it hurts me to even think about showing up and forcing myself to think of stuff I can-- say.

I get anxious because I start thinking about the way people used to treat me in the past (I've always been the black sheep of my family and/or my social circles and I vividly remember some bad things they used to say to me) and I start worrying that, deep down, they still think of me like that and they're never going to forget that "preconception of my identity" and open their eyes to who I am now, or I guess to who I've always been.

I do realize it doesn't make much sense, this "who I ----really am" part - but I've always had the impression that I was a bit different than the "me" they percieved, maybe because after many, many years of being accused of "selfishness" and "inability to tune in with the emotional atmosphere" I learned that in order not to ruin the "social mood" I should've adapted myself to the group - but the problems is that I suppressed "myself" in the meantime (and with myself I mean, like, my real interests, the things I'd like to talk about for ages without-- having to be interrupted or looked down on because, quote unquote, "ok, cool, but we don't really care").

I understand now that if they don't give me hints of actually caring about the subject I should stop rambling like a fool, but this is making me feel like I have nothing "useful" to offer them and therefore bringing the anxiety I'm struggling with. It makes me scared that I'll never be able to be myself around them because of the "social rules" I want to respect to be accepted, & to make----it worse I'm out of practice like I said before and sometimes it just gets too awkward and I want to get out of there.

I bet I'm doing something wrong because friendships and relationships in general are not supposed to be "boring", am I right? And yet until I don't get distracted by the actual conversation, I feel like it's going to be really boring and uncomfortable and sometimes going through it is SO horrible... most of the time I end up making up some excuse to go home earlier and talk----my internet friends instead (thank God for the internet!!!!). Anyway, thank you if you'll answer! And have a good summer vacation c:

-----------------------

The first thing I notice is that your thought process bears a very striking resemblance to many INFJs who struggle with social anxiety due to poor Fe development (see past posts). As a general rule, if I have good reason to suspect that someone might be mistyped, I won't provide info about function development until they undergo a proper type assessment. Otherwise, they might adopt the wrong method of improvement.

You say you want to understand what part your cognition plays in the social anxiety you experience, so I will mention the aspects of your cognition that seem most significant:

1) No Chill: You overthink things to an extreme, to the point of self-sabotage, perhaps even creating a self-fulfilling prophecy (i.e. when expecting the negative actually makes the negative happen). Overthinking means that you're not confronting the real obstacle getting in the way of your socializing. You're constantly trying to envision, imagine, or predict what will happen in a social interaction? WHY? What's the point of that overthinking? It's how you avoid confronting your fear head on.

2) Insecure: Your "predictions" are too often faulty because of being tainted by your underlying insecurities. You're insecure about being attacked, being accused, being misjudged, doing something wrong, being deemed of no value or unworthy of care, not being accepted or acceptable, dying of awkwardness, feeling bored, feeling uncomfortable, and on and on. You've described your thought process in detail. But nowhere do I see you confronting your insecurities, digging deeper into them, in order to understand the root of them. Insecurities are a manifestation of fear.

3) Control: Irrational anxiety is oftentimes about trying to control things that you shouldn't be trying to control or cannot have any control over - it wastes mental energy and leads to futile behavior. As long as you're trying to control social situations and their outcome, you are either trying too hard to make reality match up with your expectations or you're fumbling whenever reality unfolds outside of your expectations - you become rigid and frail. You claim to be "adaptable" but everything you say after that only proves you don't know the meaning of the word. You can't handle unpredictability, hence, the attempt to be in control by trying to "predict" everything. Do your attempts to control actually work? Do they help or hinder you? If they mostly hinder you, then isn't it time to change your strategy? Anxious people often believe that having more knowledge or control is the answer to their fear. But, in your case, the huge cost of being controlling is being incompetent. What's worse, the fear is still right there running the show.

4) Unresolved Trauma: You attribute your troubles to your past. Fair enough. Growing up in a social environment that did not respect and appreciate you is painful, even extremely traumatic for certain personality types. It also makes people too hungry for validation. It's natural that you wouldn't want to feel the pain of it again. However, if that pain remains unexamined and unresolved, you will unconsciously keep seeking to resolve it, which means re-enacting the trauma over and over again throughout life. The proof? Every time you meet someone, your first stance is defensive, because the first thing that comes into your mind is that you don't want to be attacked or invalidated. That old pain is running the whole show because you are deeply afraid of experiencing it again, yet you don't realize that YOU are the one calling it back up and rehashing it. What are you doing to resolve the pain rather than indulge the fear?

5) Self-absorbed: Social anxiety makes people too absorbed in their own thoughts, feelings, hopes, and expectations. They are too preoccupied with what they want, what will happen, how they will be perceived, how they might make a mistake, how they might be attacked, etc. This means they're not truly present with people, so the relationship can't really go far. Driven by fear and insecurity, they are always behind a wall, too difficult to reach.

Even if you happen to meet the right people, do you make it easy for them to befriend you? It seems that you can't open up with ease, you can't go with the flow of the other person when they don't live up to your expectations, you can't keep your emotions in check and misjudge situations, you get bored when it's not about you, you run away instead of making things better. Looking at yourself objectively from the outside, would you want to be friends with someone like that?

If you want to have good friends, you first have to BE a good friend. You want care, love, and validation? We all do. The best way to receive it is to be the first to give it. By being more aware of other people's needs and doing more to show that you care about them, you put them in a better position to care about you and meet your needs in return. This is the difference between actively trying to "make" a friend vs passively wishing for a friend to drop into your lap.

Being a friend isn't about what "value" you have, as though you're some kind of object being appraised and sold. Being a good friend is quite a simple matter of putting out the energy to care and show that you care. When you meet someone who's moved by your care, they will care for you in return. When you meet someone who's unmoved by your care, figure out the real reason why, in order to determine whether you should keep trying or put your energy elsewhere.

You never really know who you'll hit it off with. One of my favorite experiences in life is making a friend in the unlikeliest of places. As an adult, meeting new people is a numbers game. All you can do is keep pushing yourself to meet new people. The more people you meet, the greater the odds of clicking with someone. If you're looking to meet like-minded people, go to places that are likely to have people who share your interests. If you don't hit it off with someone, simply move along. You don't have to be friends with everyone, do you?

Yet, you take every little social interaction so seriously that each step is like life or death - that's what makes socializing tiring, laborious, and unfun. Why not enter into every social interaction with an open mind and an open heart? Why not truly go with the flow, without having to undergo the repetitive ritual of predicting what will happen or fussing over what did happen?

6) Poor Emotional Intelligence: This point is the common thread that runs through the previous points, which is why I keep repeating the word "fear". You have extremely low tolerance for negative feelings and emotions, which means you really need to work on learning how to deal with your emotional life better. Any little sign that things won't turn out the way you want and you start to panic, overthink, blame, or flee. Why do you recoil from yourself and your own feelings and emotions? Why are you so easily shaken by boredom, awkwardness, invalidation, failing, other people's negativity, etc? Why do you react so badly to these things (when others just brush it off and keep going)?

7) Low Self-Awareness: It's not enough to just name the fear ("I'm afraid of____"). Does the label explain why you have this particular fear and not some other fear? It's not enough to blame the past ("It's because of ____"). Why did someone else with a similar past as yours not develop this fear? To get to the root of fear, you have to identify, in exact terms:

what aspect of you has to change to overcome the fear

what aspect of your identity has to "die" (i.e. be let go of) in order to evaporate the fear

Until you answer the fear properly, it won't go away.

#social anxiety #anxiety #fear #emotional intelligence #mental health #ask

[doberbutts]

Hey thank you for posting about gay/trans men’s experiences. It’s really interesting to see a whole other side of the lgbtq experience(I’m a queer cis female). Honestly it has made me realize that I have been guilty of saying all men except trans men, which is not great.

Yeah it's... really not.

There are a fair number of straight white men who have been victimized, attacked, assaulted... and they are just as deserving of a space to process their trauma and talk about how they have been negatively impacted, without people constantly going UMMMM SWEATIE....... YOUR PRIVILEGE at them.

And, besides that, by saying 'all men..... except trans men' you are effectively saying you do not consider trans men to be real men. If they pass. If they don't pass. If they are stealth. If they are visible. If they date men. If they date women. Pre op. Post op. If they were raised with female conditioning. If they weren't.

You lump us all into a category, and that category is 'men who are not men but we call them men to not hurt their feelings'. And it sucks!!! Every time I see someone do that, that is what it says to me. It's transphobic. It's homophobic. And it hurts ALL men, because when you paint all men as dangerous predators, you don't just shame vulnerable men back into their respective closets. You also tell men who you do not consider vulnerable that they are nothing more than predators and abusers that must apologize every day for their existence.

Men have absolutely been responsible for some very shitty things in this world. So have women.

I am black, trans, gay, and disabled. One of the most dangerous groups for me to interact with is white women. Historically, they are who call the lynch mob to get people like me killed for the sin of walking on the same sidewalk. In present day, I see an awful lot of white feminists and white wlw protest the Karen stereotype. Despite that very real danger that white women present to me, if I were to say that women are trash or that all women need to suck it up and apologize for what happened to men like Emmitt Till and do better before I'm willing to reconsider, if I judged you all by the Karen stereotype that only exists as a stereotype BECAUSE OF THE DANGER TO BLACK PEOPLE... you know exactly what would happen.

Remember that beside every plantation owner stood a white woman who saw no problem with her husband beating and raping and torturing my people.

Remember that it was white women who weaponized their whiteness and their percieved frailty within their patriarchal roles to demonize, dehumanize, and murder black men.

Remember that it was white women who excluded black people and especially black wlw from the face of women's rights, who told them that the movement was not for them, who told them that they would have to wait their turn, who turned their backs on their sisters when race came into play.

Remember that it was a pair of white lesbians who paraded that adopted black boy around when black lives matter started, who forced him to hug the police he was very afraid of, who beat and abused and starved him and the rest of their adopted black kids. Who drove off a fucking cliff with all of them in the car and we still have not found his body.

But men are dismissed and silenced for protesting the double standard, and if I sound angry it's because I am. I'm not angry at /speficially you/. I am not angry at queer women. I'm not angry at white women. I am not angry at any woman. I understand that there are bad people of every creed color gender sexuality race religion and more. But I AM angry that every time this comes up, what happens is that men are told their lives are perfect and easy and they have unconditional privilege and the world is as safe as can be for them.

Where was Devonte Hart's safety when his adoptive white lesbian mothers murdered him? Where was his privilege when they poisoned the court case against his birth mother, who desperately wanted her children back? When was his life of being taken from his birth mother and then tortured at the hands of people OUR GOVERNMENT allowed him to be in supposed to be perfect and easy?

We will never know if Devonte was queer. We will never know what type of man he would turn out to be.

His life was still precious. He wasn't trash. And he was murdered by queer women after they realized they'd no longer get away with torturing him.

I don't hate queer women. I count quite a few among my friends, and they are just as appalled at the situation as I was. They are just as disgusted by this attitude as I am. But I am tired of being told that it is solely my gender that is the problem, and that anyone attracted to men must have something wrong with them. And I am angry that I have to explain how not only is 'all men... but not trans men' is such a terrible line of thinking.

That boy did not deserve the fate he got, even if he would have grown up to be straight. And it wasn't men who hurt him, either.

#devonte is one #emmitt is another #I could keep throwing out names of black boys killed by white women #they are countless

[the-worst-nintendo-player]

My only fear- a short horror story

I wanted to talk about something and get a bit "philosophical" about it.

So let's start by saying that I'm not afraid of many things, in fact, pretty much nothing scares me. I watch lots of horror, especially with my girlfriend, however nothing really manage to scare me. I also tend to not flinch either when there is a jumpscare of any sorts. I am entertained, sometimes I laugh during a movie, but I'm not scared.

Common things that scare me do not scare me either. Spiders? I think most of them are cute honestly. Snakes? I absolutely love them. Clowns? I don't like them 'cause they are boring but they do not scare me. The dark? It's peaceful, I like it. The heights? They might make me my head spin but I'm not afraid of the heights. I bet that when you read the word "philosophy" and then "fear" you imediately assumed this would have been about Death, right? A big ass wall of text about the dude with the hoodie that is gonna take your soul out of your body and about how mysterious and fascinating it is for many reasons, right?

Well Death may have something to do with this but it's not entirely about it. In fact, the Reaper is gonna be just a small fraction of this wall of text, and, at the same time, it will always be there, its presence will be taken for granted by you, the reader, most likely and It will always stand there. However, as I said, this is not about It. It(as I will call Death from now on, It with the capital Letter, just like the famous Clown) will just be a side actor in the show, It will not be the Main Actor, however its role will be important. It won't be Harry Potter in the homonymus series, but It will be Neville. It won't be Frodo or Gandalf in Lord Of the Rings, It will be Pippin.

Hoping you got my point, let's go back to what I was trying to tell you, dear Reader. You see, nobody really knows this but I do have one fear, one single fear that makes me shiver from head to toe every single time I even dare to think about it. Actually you are seing it right now by using the entirety of your view, it doesn't really matter what device you are using to read this. If you are using a phone, it should be on the top left, of you are using a Computer it should be on the bottom right. Perhaps you are not seing it because your brain cannot process it as a fear, but I'm sure you are looking in the right direction. You should be looking at the Clock right now, are you not? And that's it. That is my fear. Time itself.

It terrifies me to think that Time is the only thing that really we, as a race, won't most likely be able to control. You may say "well we cannot control nature either" I agree,however we are finding solutions to it. We learned how to predict many of the things that would have killed milions of people. Hell, we can even predict when a meteor will land on Earth and where! We cannot CONTROL Nature but we can FIGHT it, ya know? But Time? Absolutely not. I remember that the very first interaction I ever had with a timetravel plot was Professor Layton and the Unwound Future. I don't know if Italy, where I live, translated that line correctly but in the beginning of the game Englad's prime minister gives a speech saying

<<humanity made some great steps in its history. We managed to cross seas, sky and even the space. However there is one barrier we never managed to walk through. Time's Barrier.>>

Or something similar.

That always made me think. I always thought how little I was compared to this huge and unstoppable clock that basically controlled the whole Universe itself. I clearly remember shivering to this thought, however this was not what scared me. As a child I believe you cannot really be scared of Time. This fear starts to come to life when you grow up, as you face many deadlines and you always run out of time. As Exams'dates start to approach you, as libera responsibility keep coming towards you, slowly and yet so fast.

It feels like you see someone approaching you walking. You are afraid of them so you start to walk too in their same direction, away from them. Their pace didn't accelerate and yet they still get closer to you.

You start running. You run, you run, you run as if your life depended on it. You keep running, looking towards you in a infinite hallway. You look around. You are going really fast and you don't hear anyone running behind you.

But you hear their step. Slow steps and they always sound closer. You turn around. They are walking and yet they are incredibly close, less than 5 meters away from you. You run as fast as your muscles allows you to, untill they burn because of the stress you are imposing over them. You keep running, running and running for as much as you like. You look behind. They are less than a meter away from you now, staring directly into your eyes as they keep walking, their steps echoing in the hallway and in your head as they keep getting closer and closer to you. Untill they catch you. It doesn't matter your phisical shape, you can be Usain Bolt as well but you cannot escape them. That's how I percieve Time.

#biggest fear #fear #phobia #creepy #time #fear of time #short story #short horror story #horror #horror stories #spooky #scary #scary stories

[amnesiac-mc]

1) Hi! First of all, I want to apologize for any possible mistakes or typos, because I wrote this using google translate (English is not my native language). Could I get a match up for Collar x Malice? I am 5'3``, bi female with wave brown hair just below the shoulders. I am an Aquarius, I have a 3 positive blood type and by mbti I am most likely istj.

2) Honestly, I do not believe in the great influence of astrology or the accuracy of mbti, just as I do not know much about it, but at the same time I am interested in it (especially in classification of people, because I still cannot really understand myself). I like to collect other people's opinions on things that interests me, and if our points of view coincide, I begin to feel a greater affinity with the person.

3) I also really like making people guess about something based on a minimum of information (for example, sometimes i sends images of otome characters to my friend and asks her to predict their character, the possible development of their route, internal relationships, and also evaluate each of them based on these guesses).

4) Despite this, I am very panicky if I myself am put in such conditions, because it seems to me that for the wrong answer i will be disappointment for someone or even somebody will punish me. I'm usually pretty quiet, but if you give me the freedom to share something that I'm passionate about, I can get very noisy. I have low self-esteem, and although I try to improve it, I am quite sensitive to insults and humiliation to me (although I shows myself indifferent).

5) I'm terribly nervous in new company, but, to be honest, I'm more afraid of leaving a bad impression of myself (which can make someone to bully me) than worrying about other people's feelings. I care about other people's feelings only if this person is dear to me in some way. I avoid conflicts usually, but sometimes (if it's a sensitive topic to me) I can win an argument with passion.

6) Despite the fact that I still afraid of the beginning of bullying, I much more dislike it when someone misunderstands my personality traits or the reasons for some of my actions, no matter if I seems to them as a better or worse person than I really am. It's hard for me to talk about people's shortcomings straightforward, but I can talk about my own ones (which happens more often, because it seems to me that people constantly see me as someone better than I truly am).

7) I am good at forming my thoughts only about abstract things. It's hard for me to express my opinion directly. I often want to give compliments, but even if I dare, I usually cannot find words that fully reveal my admiration. If I don’t want to do something, I will delay it until the last, while looking for a way to avoid this responsibility completely. I feel myself terribly alone and useless to world, my significant ones and even myself sometimes

8) I sincerely admire honest, outgoing, friendly, energetic and even a little shameless people, because they seem to me the most courageous and free of all. I love it when people are embarrassed because showing off your vulnerability is very daring and charming. I love meaningful things in art. I love making sweets (and eating them), drawing and writing fanfiction! My favorite animals are cats and birds.

9) I like to try things with unusual tastes, but I can't say that they will become my favorites in the future. I am into anime, visual novel and fantasy games that my computer can handle. I cannot be called an altruist, as well as someone with strong feel of justice, but I will not judge other people for having some of these if they do not impose their ideas on me (don't misunderstand, i think people with strong principes pretty strong ones, i am more admire them than think they're stupid).

10) I can help a person if it doesn’t hurt me, but I hate it when people think that I have to do it. OMG I'M VERY SORRY FOR SO MANY ASKS!!! i've really got a carried away... Thank you very much and have a nice day!

Hello, sorry for the waiting! And don’t worry about the asks! I ship you with...Mineo!

I was also thinking Okazaki, but Mineo, with his story and views of the world fits better in many of the things you explained. There are also a couple of things in his personality that made me go for him instead of Kei.

—I think Mineo would probably be amused if you make him guess things with as little information as possible. Sasazuka always tells him he is the least rof the group, so Mineo would want to show him he can be at their same level. The results of the challenge will probably be really bizarre, but I assure you it would be worth seeing.

—He would love to hear you talk about your interests. Mineo knows what it feels to be passionate about something, so he would be happy to discuss it with you. Of course, he would want you to hear him talking about Japanese history. Even if you don't understand it, for him it would be enough to know someone is listening.

—This man would never be rude to you, he is pretty respectful and knows first-hand how much it bothers to have someone calling you out for any mistake you do. He would understand your struggles with your self-esteem, and try to help you to improve it and make you feel better. Mineo doesn't care much about the impression he gives to strangers, so he might not comprehend at first why are you worried about it. However, once he learns the reason Mineo would be very supportive, trying to convince you that no matter the impression you give he would never let anyone bully you.

—Mineo has also a strong insight about himself. Even if he is probably more open to callout the shortcomings of other people, he is also really aware of his, just like you. I feel Mineo's backstory with his superior made him learn to take a more realistic approach at percieving people and not idolizing anyone, including himself. He would probably respect and value a lot that you want to be percieved just like you are, with the good and the bad.

—The description you gave about people who you admire fits pretty well with Mineo. Even if you didn't find the exact words to compliment him, he would be satisfied and feel really appreciated knowing that you admire him.

—About views on justice, Mineo himself struggled a lot with his duty and his feelings, so he wouldn’t probably be the type to call you out if you don’t do something considered “morally right” and actually understand your view to a certain exent.

I hope you liked it!

[pansyfemme]

Also id like 2 hear more abt ur ocs if u want 2 tell me abt them ^_^

ooh yeah so idk exactly who to focus on but my stories r always super boring and focus on like real life scenarios and being depressed n shit. So like my characters r generally just like super depressed peices of shit who do very little but mope around and that may seem harsh but literally that kinda the point of my work is to highlight mental illness when its not comical, scary or temporary. Their story which im not sure what im calling it yet (i was thinking maybe “estrogen boyhood” and that could be a band name in the comic as well? but the working title for a while has been ‘shoegaze’ bc thats what i was listening to when i came up with them) Essentially its a comic abt relationships and amatonormativity and its harmful aspects. It revolves around various romantic and platonic relationships between characters and im basically trying to explore relationship dynamics that aren’t normally seen- as well as tying it into anarchism and being able to break down amatonormativity as yet another societal pressure. The main group is a bunch of anarchist punks from a small city attempting to dismantle harmful systems while managing their own failing health( phsycical and mental) and balancing their realtionships with eachother. Noam is the main-ish character- he’s a gay cis man struggling with his religon and his status as a recently diagnosed chronically ill person. He has an undiagnosed personality disorder and has been abusive to people in the far past, when he was a child, due to psychosis, and while they have forgiven him- the thought of it continuisly makes him very paranoid about it happening again- and he’s very protective of the people around him due to it. (. we don’t talk abt mentally ill people with scary or dangerous symptoms and we need to. he’s not a bad person- but i am going to acknowledge this part of him.)

Kidd is the other kinda- main character. He’s a gay trans man who has serious self image issues after being in a unhealthy relationship and lives in his van- which while we first see as something he’s content with- we realize how it’s suffocating him. He’s stealth- and this is a major part of the plot. It’s not healthy for him, he knows it’s not healthy, but he cant do anything abt it (not that being stealth is always unhealthy- but this is and its very obvious.) He’s known to just straight up leave when he’s uncomfortable, ghosting everyone he knows and driving as far as he can away.

Mavis has issues with relationships. He likes them- but he doesn’t feel much for the people involved and he internalizes this as a them problem- not aromanticsm, but some evil inside them thats causing him to act this way. While i won’t elaborate, Mavis (as well as some of the rest of the main cast) has a lot of self harm issues and their refusal to stop is harmful to both him and those around them. It’s not a good situation. Mavis has such little regard for themselves that it frays their relationships with other people- and he doesn’t seem to care.

Kel has been losing her sight since highschool- and has been deathly afraid of anyone even touching her without telling her ever since. While Kel does desire relationships- her fear of commitment and of intimacy leaves her bringing a lot of baggage into every relationship. She’s a highly anxious person and talking to her can be a bit onesided. It’s not her fault she’s nervous, but she does little to manage it.

Strawberri is seen as calm and collected to those around her. She’s deeply kind, using her spare room in her appartment to lend to anyone she finds who needs a place to stay- but her obsession with helping others is in subsitute for helping herself. She has a long list of people who hate her and what she stands for- and she would much rather hold every feeling inside than ever publically be upset by it. She has to be strong- since being angry isn’t seen well by those who percieve her these ways.

Anyway. none of them are defined with what’s happening with them. They’re not villians, theyre not antiheros, theyre people. And they have mental illness and genuinly thats what i want to write abt. Sometimes things aren’t pretty, sometimes ppl dont want to heal.

[reigenagain]

For character game: Richie and Reigen please

jenni u know the way to my heart

under a read more bc this got fucking long

send me a character and I’ll break them down

Richie:

How I feel about this character

literally how much time do you have dhdhdj I have so much love for mr richie tozier. I really relate to his specific degree of internalized homophobia in ch2 and I relate too much to his usage of humor to deflect emotions. I also only see how valuable I am if I make people laugh, same hat!!!

All the people I ship romantically with this character

EDDIE and that’s it I’m sorry I’m such a one note bitch with ships. listen somewhere between bill “I think his first love was eddie” hader, the kissing bridge, and the go back to childhood and realize u can never go back, I lost my mind and I haven’t retrieved it yet.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

ugh I honestly love every richie/loser dynamic but my faves are definitely stan and bev. I feel like stan and richie is really underutilized but I love stan just seeing baby richie stuffing his face in the mud in like pre-k and being like “okay so if I don’t befriend this kid he’ll be dead by first grade. this is my burden.” I’m very soft with bev being richie’s partner in crime through their youth and it just doubles over when they meet again in their 40s

i also really like richie and patty! I can see them being very cute together. patty likes richie’s nicknames for everyone and she lives through his embarrassing stories from childhood about stanny she never got to hear. (also if were going into canon territory, I have a LOT of thoughts about patty and richie connecting and healing/mourning/grieving together)

ben and richie would ALSO be very very cute. I dream about that supposed deleted scene of richie accidentally coming out to ben in ch2 in the townhouse…. oh youve been pining for a good friend since youth and seeing them again u realize that nothing has changed? can relate

My unpopular opinion about this character

i actually have a few but rn I’m gonna stick with the least controversial one in that I don’t think bill looks like finn at ALL in regards of the child/adult actors HOWEVER I think bill captures the exact energy a grown richie would have from finn’s portrayal of him in ch1.

also I don’t understand the chee nickname and I’m too afraid to ask at this point

also also characterizing richie as like a super cool teen with black nail polish and hitting that juul is very funny to me. this boy is a loser. richie tries too hard to be cool but still cares way too much on how he is percieved to be actually cool

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon

I Don’t Want To Fucking Talk About It. you fucking know what I wish had happened

Reigen:

How I feel about this character

UGH reigen….. sir….. I havnt thought about u for a hot minute. I love reigen bc he’s some dude in his late twenties still kind of fumbling around and not sure what to do to make himself happy. on a whim he starts a shady business from the ground up where the entire practice revolves around how well he can lie to his clientele. but the thing is his advice is …. genuine. he finds himself in a position where people actually LISTEN and a small boy looks up to him and he finds that he became a purpose in someone’s life and a positive role model. reigen shows that it’s never too late to become happy (wow look I have a type) and to change yourself, and that u have an effect on people without realizing it

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Serizawa all the way. I think they really bring the best out of eachother and I love a good “we accidentally adopted a bunch of teens together” dynamic. Jenni I know u want me to say dimple and reigen as well but fuck you

My non-romantic OTP for this character

MOB UGH I’m such a sucker for a well executed “mentor doesn’t show it but does legitimately love their mentee” and mob and reigen are the perfect example of that dynamic. mob takes everything reigen tells him to heart and it KILLS ME

I actually love reigen’s dynamic with all of the teens but I have a very deep love for him and shou specifically? I feel like shou could defs benefit from the “it’s okay to run away” spiel and that he doesn’t have to carry the world on his shoulders.

My unpopular opinion about this character

REIGEN ISN’T A DUMBASS. I know its cutsy and funny to say that reigen isnt competent and how mob always saves his ass but to be completely fair reigen DOESN’T HAVE POWERS and acts like anyone would in the face of ghosts spirits?? the guy built a business from the ground up and had it going for a while before mob came around. I think reigen is very person smart and knows how to… not necessarily manipulate but appeal to their emotions. 

One thing I wish would happen/had happened to this character in canon

I kinda wanted more reigen and mob interactions in the reigen spin off manga even if mob finally showed up at the end… however i know for the both of them its important for their growth to become less dependent but…. that’s his son…….

#skeilig #this got so long i just.... love them..... so mucj #long post

[shprka]

Tsukishima’s vulnerable mental state

The first thing that comes to my mind after watching Haikyuu is definitely how different characters are and how different there are portrayed. And how we are shown things matters. We don’t spend much time over Kageyama’s or Ushijima’s state of minds, we seem them act and react, and talk and interact with others. We see them having trouble recognising emotions or social cues, we see them being describe and shown as “the scary ones” with their expressions either never changing or being “scary”.

The viewer doesn’t have to have it spelled out that they are autistic coded.

We don’t have to have it spelled out that Hinata’s constant movement, inability to focus can be signs of ADHD. Or Asahi can have an anxiety disorder.

There is something beautiful of not having confirmation of that, in my opinion. Real people don’t go around screaming at the top of their lungs “I’m autistic!”. They also don’t come with charts beside their head with: “Main traits: Autistic, also likes yogurt.” We as the viewers need to focus and speculate and never having it confirmed and that’s great. You can sometimes never get a confirmation if someone is or isn’t what you think they are.

That said, there is one person I wanted to focus on that fascinated me from the start - Tsukishima Kei. He’s introduced as an asshole. He rallies up Kageyama calling him “King” and pisses off just about everyone.

And with Haikyuu, as I learned, first impressions can be wrong. I remember watching the first time Kuroo stepped on the screen and thinking “what a smug asshole”. And it’s true to some extent. The first time we seem him he is that, he is all smirks and smugness. But the second time the idea of him changes. As an author myself I too sometimes decide to completely or subtly change the character’s personality. And I think Furudate-sensei does that with Kuroo - makes him a likeable dork with a weird laugh. And I think he does that with Tsukishima.

At almost no point after that we see Tsukishima being rude first, just coming up to someone and spoiling for a fight. He actually avoids fights, even when it’s not about him. As shown whenever Tanaka and Noya are being loud or rude, Tsukishima disappears just as Daichi’s about to scold them. He has a tricky personality, because most people see him as “that salty asshole”. Except he’s not. At least not all the time. He’s polite to everyone, his senpais, his teachers, his mother, even to creepy upperclassmen like Kuroo and Bokuto, who he is irritated with, but he still tries to be somewhat civil and polite. Of course that changes later. When he’s comfortable with someone, he likes to tease them, and do that with a straight face so you never know if he’s serious or just fucking with you.

From what also I think @someone-save-meeee pointed out he might have depression m/anxiety through the whole series. There are some indicators, pretty obvious ones and subtle ones only if you look for them, like his constant lack of appetite, he’s tired easily than the others, he’s got such a huge inferiority complex and lack of motivation it’s pains me to watch him suffer. He can’t ask for help. You saw him wriggling his finger and being shy and demure about asking Ukai to give him some tips in blocking. Asking the freaking coach to help him in volleyball. He is a very low energy person, he has trouble getting excited and/or at least expressing it.

Then we later learn a monumental truth about Tsukishima. We learn why is he the way he is. Or is he? Is being disappointed in his brother such a traumatic experience that shaped him into the salty person he is now? First time I watched it, I though that it’s seems like such an extreme reaction. The only thing warranting it must be extreme feelings.

And then it got me thinking, as I do, why? Where did that big brother worship came from?

Correct me if it’s shown in the manga but in the anime we don’t really see Tsukishima’s dad. Just him mum and Akiteru, since they both were young. So there may have be a few explanations. Either he’s constantly working or not in the picture. I lean more toward the latter. Tsukishima’s unusual attachment of self worth to Akiteru would be a good indicator that their dad either died or abandoned the family. And also seeing how Tsukishima is very sensitive over any sort of rejection or disappointment we can only guess his dad wasn’t a good role model. Leaving the family would be my best guess. Maybe when Kei was very young and maybe he didn’t have a fatherly figure growing up.

Except Akiteru.

There is a close connection of idol worship (especially in younger teenagers) and compensation for parental absence. And I think that’s what’s happening there. Young Kei unconsciously started to think of Akiteru as his new parental figure. It was a hero worship, Akiteru was a hero/idol in his eyes. Except it was a very fragile bond. Akiteru was a literal teenager, he wasn’t perfect, he fucked up and he had no obligation to keep Kei thinking he’s anything more than he is. But volleyball connected them both and somehow Kei’s relying on Akiteru was mirrored in his volleyball prowess.

That’s why the disappoinment in his other parental figure hit him twice as hard. And I think Kei had to put a distance between himself and Akiteru for a while to figure out how to look at him as a brother and not a father.

That would explain why his reaction was so extreme. The absence of parental figure goes with the kid and has reprecutions even in adulthood. Sometimes we don’t even realise something affects us, so we don’t seek help. And I think Kei doesn’t realise how it may have affected him. How he’s afraid of disappointment or commitment or asking for help.

Don’t know how Japanese culture percieves going to therapy but this sad boy needs to go get help. Seeing him in Shiratorizawa match being motivated and screaming in hapiness was the best thing and I felt so happy for him. I hear in manga he’s finally coming to his own and being motivated and I am here for it.

All the love for this salty beanpole

P.S. Feel free to add your own thoughts or feel do call me out if I said something stupid

#tsukishima kei #haikyuu #tsukishima kei meta #haikyuu meta #depression #daddy issues #tsukishima akiteru #tsukishima’s father