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scentedchildnacho · 10 months

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I am like an old lady if I see some young whipper snapper...running up the road at me with his shirt off to show off disproportionate male funding I would have if I thought I would be hit just let my cart roll down the hill at him...it's some young whipper snapper potentially

I told the security at mc Donald's that if they can stalk up to me in tight clothes and face coverings they should right away call the cops and definitely keep records of all they do here....

David told me I looked young so I said no David I look older then 42 the lines in my face look deep enough to be cuts I believe in homosexualism I really do and I had to look like the please help it photo at whole foods and the blanket web page....so there is an artist though you can follow serial killers that gets to really kill dudes about me their dudes and there is hazards everywhere

It looks like I am smart enough to find sex funny so he went at me till my face looks cut up...

It's the landscaping programs it was politicized okay those crop rows offend your politic...if they were going to rip it out and cause holes and piles of plants and strange depressing landscaping scenes around them they were suppose to immediately replace what they did with a different landscaping idea....

It....the post structural argument of differential health benefits or iatrogenic disease to explain contradiction in class structure...It's white so a subject of the clinic but it's also privilege or poor?

Post modern social theory.....it's white so a Geneva convention already exists and there is all this theory from Mendel but it has to be given and free whites are told not given unless white man papers so it's a historic anachronism people who live after extensive research but don't benefit from it and look like it's historic genocide never stopped

It had to have its gum line mutilated with a scalpal a small fishing knife that looks like a letter opener and so I will do all these things these french papers after Mendel suggest to prove austra can build a super brain like no other I want my body back from slavery....

I will do these slaveries yes I will do all that's required give all my blood back give it to me

Uhm I told David I read this nobel peace prize winner who just explained human motivation is to do anything necessary to not feel young and beautiful anymore because beauty is the most embodied and counter terrorism is to do what it takes to help people locally modify instead of seek desperate violent ends so they can be completely restructured

Why there is a lot of pride parade about lesbianism and Christian wives....it's some of the easiest stuff to do at economics to not have to be a mean whore or bitch

The Muslim world conquered by its simplistics and ability to calm down to learn basics and low functioning activity

It's a bitchy war a bitch keeps telling them to mow the lawn....

David told me his name is David ho jarry so ya know when you can't tell if someone is trans or a pimp or gay or what's going on for them....so he told me his street name

We were suppose to do the jobs together and like do peer to peer therapy so we aren't technically suppose to know each other personally so he confessed he is a ho...

I had asked him if he had a partner to do stuff with because under the peer to peer stuff I'm not technically suppose to be off the study and didn't want to be like are you gay or not it is kind of annoying to not know...

He kind of physically looks like he is realizing about being Mexican that he is maybe indigenous looking but it oh my God your so pale we mistook you for a beurocrat not a two spirit...

Local modification requires these new assimilations....

You can't tell for the feminine requirements of conscription if people are gay or not

Do I want to be a boob queen or do I want to be miss Kathryn....miss Kathryn I probably do want to emphasize my abuse does leave me child like...

Then I told him evolutionary speaking people do all they can to be left alone....because the culture community meeting tends to instigate alone activity for the group ...I can be alone now to do these things because the group will eventually regenerate if these ideas are finally planned out

No I didn't want to walk down Torrey pines but I did like love people and things in Wisconsin it's where I grew up and now that this catastrophe of everything possible to be with corporate central on the West Coast is exposed the Wisconsin group can re solidarity......

There has to be a crisis theory or emergent idea or the group can't go back to being sure their happy with their common demoted life....

No I don't like extreme cultures at it's being very selfishly used that type of homosexual can't feel or question it's life choices till it realizes it could force something other then a dog in the road and finally gets to change it's life because people could die...

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sokkagatekeeper · 2 years

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mx sokkagatekeeper i need your help

my best friends doesn’t really see zuko gay and i don’t know how to analyse this to her (we often analyse text and share opinions) because i’m not good with words. i know his homosexuality is in the text and i’ve always seen him as gay so to me it’s actually canon

i don’t want to impose my opinion but i don’t seem to explain it like the topic deserves.

pls help me

i apologize for the delay on answering this ask!! i wanted to gather the most analysis i could in one post (and also had to eventually come to terms with the fact that i can’t gather literally all the evidence in one post; there is simply too much) since ppl are always like “where’s the essay?” well here. here is the essay, and you (your friend?) gave me the perfect excuse to do so without seeming more obnoxious than usual. so! i wrote a little thing that didn’t go as in-depth as it could go but is clear enough here, and i also dance a little around the subject of zuko and his problem with gender expectations here. i will probably copy-paste the entire paragraph that’s relevant to this analysis later so you don’t have to read it but. it’s a good post imo. anyway!!

before i begin i just want to say that (despite my url) this is not to #gatekeep or whatever. but tumblr does love to talk about how no atla character's sexuality is confirmed, and how claiming that zuko is bisexual or any other variation is not homophobic, and how zuko was written as being attracted to women on-screen. and they are right, in a way; reading zuko as bisexual is not homophobic... but merely, in my opinion, incorrect. and, on the flip side, making an analysis on why zuko is gay is also not inherently biphobic. and one can assume that i'm unlikely to make a biphobic analysis since i am. a bisexual person.

another note: i don’t think anybody who reads zuko as gay is delusional enough to genuinely believe the creators intended to code him as queer, when the author’s interpretation contradicts and/or takes away from the quality of the text, authorial intent is not that relevant to the best possible reading of it. in my opinion of course!

now. to make a queer reading of a character (and i mean reading of the text, which is not the same as a headcanon) one may take into account: what the themes the character portrays are; what their character arc is about; allegories; character development; struggles; stakes and expectations from the society they live in; as well as other pieces of dialogue or details and allegories that are reminiscent of the queer experience. in this post, i will try to gather a bunch of all these aspects of the narratives, themes, etc etc in an attempt to open the anon's friend's eyes to the revelation that is the gay zuko agenda.

also, like with all interpretations, this is not exactly me trying to “prove” that zuko is gay. he isn't gay; he's fictional. rather, i am explaining why i find this interpretation of his sexuality to be far more compelling than any other.

zuko’s coming out arc.

zuko’s arc has several layers. the two main that i can pinpoint are him unlearning the fire nation's imperialist values, and learning that the abuse he suffered was just that, abuse. that it was wrong. but as is often seen in the themes atla presents, what often presents to be two different things have an aspect of unity, that they depend on each other in order to exist. these two aspects of zuko’s redemption accompany each other throughout. the reason why zuko (and azula) was abused in the first place is because of the fire nation’s imperialism; the degree of the abuse zuko suffered and the things he was punished for are a direct effect of the fire nation’s patriarchal society and its constrictions regarding gender. ozai wasn't just any evil father, he was the embodiment of the entire fire nation and its fucked-up values.

zuko is kicked out of his home, mostly for being compassionate, and for letting his compassion take charge of him rather than respecting the piece of etiquette that he was not allowed to speak in the war room. the fire nation is known to be against what it deems as weak, which happens to be anything that has to do with empathy and compassion, sensitivity and gentleness—anything that fits their idea of femininity. zuko is known to present these qualities the fire nation perceives as feminine and weak (especially in comparison to azula), and his father has little trouble sending him away in order to favor his stronger, smarter, ruthless, masculine, “flawless” daughter. zuko is taken by his uncle whom his father is ashamed of, spending years chasing the unattainable idea of finding the avatar and regaining his honor, while he develops a tendency to overperform aggressiveness (zuko’s trauma in itself makes him defensive, not inherently aggressive), and trying to suppress every possible weakness he may have to the rest of the world and himself.

so, in that sense, zuko's redemption arc is not just about him going from bad to good, but it is also about overcoming, unlearning, and un-internalizing homophobia (& misogyny) and all the expectations and constraints that surround masculinity. it's about achieving liberation from his homophobic abusive homelife and finding acceptance in a group of people who accept him for what he is (with his compassion and kindness and emotional expressiveness... and also for being gay). it's about achieving also self-realization and forgiveness. all of this reads as a coming-out narrative thru unintentional allegories all around. zuko's character arc is not explicitly about being gay, but its themes make it so that it can be read as a queer story, and in my opinion, it achieves a greater emotional impact if it is read as such.

zuko’s gender problems. (may or may not copied this from one of the posts i’ve made before lol i just wanted to have it all in one place <3 ok keep reading now)

despite all the suffering and abuse he endured, zuko grew up shaped by the privileges surrounding royalty and the upper class in general. his arc is about humbling him and understand the value in the lives of the poor and marginalized as much as it is about his very own self-realization and asserting he was wronged and treated unfairly by his family over and over. zuko comes from a place of privilege, but he is still highly empathetic and has a certain ease at unlearning his privilege (more ease than azula at least) once he is exposed to the world in its entirety rather than the blatant lies that were presented to him by the fire nation that he had no way of disproving. zuko is compassionate and empathetic despite being stubborn as hell because while growing up in privilege he still experienced certain marginalizations because of his blatant learning disabilities, and his gender presentation.

the fire nation’s society is ruled by militarism, imperialism, and patriarchy. it values what are considered masculine traits and qualities (leadership, cold-thinking, self-control yet ruthlessness, strategy, emotional suppressing) above humanity, identity, personhood and femininity. the fact that the actual societies in real life that inspired the fire nation may not hold the same values is very likely, since this is a very western perspective, but this is what appears in the text, and the way it’s meant to be read.

so shown as a child and heavily hinted at throughout the show, zuko is deeply, loudly feminine in a way that other people can blatantly see and judge him based on it. his self-realization involves breaking free of this pressure he has on his back to be “more of a man” than his personality allows him to. he overperforms a lot of his aggressiveness – the part of it that isn’t born out of his rage, that is – and he lets his anger flow. he is certainly masculine in a fair amount of aspects, but many of his core traits are (in western society, yes, and within the show) associated with femininity, such as emotional expressiveness, empathy and compassion, gentleness, and kindness. femininity is perceived as weak, and zuko is therefore perceived as weak for displaying these traits from an early age and especially in contrast to azula, who by contrast displays many of the “masculine” traits mentioned above (albeit the feminine qualities she chooses to display is what makes her perfectionism — she can be feminine, but in a masculine way, it’s messy and it leads her to a mental breakdown we all know this part).

zuko doesn’t fit at all into the ideal of cold, detached version of masculinity that the fire nation preaches, which is what deteriorated his self-esteem and drove him to overperform his traditionally masculine traits out of desperation such as his commanding stance or getting really good at fighting people, or even as small as being stiff as hell when he wants to show vulnerability or show affection even towards his uncle. he did all of this in order to try and fit better into the mold of the man people told him he should be. but no matter how hard zuko worked to repress that core, fundamental part of himself over the course of the series, he was never able to stick to a cold, ruthless, detached mindset, or stick to the constrictions of masculinity like he is expected to as a prince and as a man. he’s always intentionally and unintentionally working towards being better, and struggles to suppress the softer parts of him constantly.

zuko’s relationship with mai (also known as ‘mai is a lesbian’).

it is no secret that zuko and mai’s relationship is a dysfunctional one. on the surface this is because of zuko’s inability (or lack of will, who’s to say) to understand mai as a person with feelings and thoughts and a life rather than a girlfriend. and while this is true, it is also true that mai was not able to be the person zuko needed at that particular moment in his life, as a girlfriend, friend or otherwise. they both feel trapped, restricted, and misunderstood by the respective expectations placed on them, by their families and the structure of the systematic power they later choose to go against, and the threats that will follow through if they don’t fulfill these expectations. they also project the worst parts of their respective struggles with the power structure of society on each other. their relationship throughout book three rings very true and up until they get back together for some reason.

regarding zuko’s character specifically, his inability to see mai as anything other than “girlfriend” rather than a person comes from the prospect of the term “girlfriend” is part of the oppression he faces back at the fire nation, rather than mai being a constricting and oppressive person herself (which she is not). their relationship to me reads very much like a lavender marriage, as this post very well puts it.

other miscellaneous gay shit <3

there are a lot of little gay moments that zuko has throughout the show. for example, he never cares when pretty girls are attracted to him or flirting with him, including jin and ty lee. his reaction to learning that sokka has a girlfriend is also. interesting. and of course, his reaction to being set up with mai when they were children is to scream “girls are crazy!”. hmm

the blue spirit is a gay thing like, thematically.

so uh. qed. zuko gay!

my (nour) personal favorite Zuko Moment is in the firebending masters when he stands and watches the rainbow fire surround him and he says, very softly and with feeling, ‘i understand’ which is where our beloved i understand tag comes from. as this post very well explains its significance, “(...) zuko has lived his whole life associating firebending with rage and power and violence, so when he lets go of rage and power and violence, he loses his ability to firebend. and this cannot be separated from the fire nation's (and therefore zuko's) views on masculinity; in the fire nation, fire bending is masculinity is aggression, and part of why zuko cared so much about being a powerful firebender is to prove that he was enough of a man. so, learning the sun warriors' form of firebending, which is based in warmth and love, also allows zuko (who is NOT STRAIGHT) to redefine his masculinity. (plus...... yknow.... the fire is rainbow..........)”

#ZUKO GAY (THEMATICALLY RELEVANT)#zuko #analysis #anon #asks #n #s #collaboration <3 #*#gping to post this finally <33 i had forgotten abt it tbh #sorry this took the better part of a year fnjdjsjaka #hope you were able go convince ur friend in that time 👍#also i hope u guys can tell how much fun we had collecting oh so so so many links #it's excessive i know #oh also one more thing is that stay soft is abt how zuko is gay. in my head that's what it's abt -s

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burneddownthegym · 3 years

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When do you think Buffy and Spike started developing feelings for each other? I think for Spike it started in season 2 which has been kind of confirmed by Dru, but what about Buffy? Their relationship seemed to change after Spike let Glory torture him to protect Dawn, but I like to believe Buffy had unregistered feelings for Spike way earlier. I don’t know what’s true though. She let him live many times when she shouldn’t and that could just be the writers wanting to keep Spike but it could also be read as Buffy not wanting to kill him for some reason. If I were Buffy I would have at least been attracted to him from the start but I’m not Buffy. What do you think?

oh god. i started writing this and it just got more and more unhinged until i was left with a novel. but here’s my headcanon under the cut.

i think for spike it started in season 2, yeah. kind of immediately. i mean in his second episode he already has like ten tv’s mounted on the ceiling to obsessively watch buffy fight? ok weirdo. obviously the writers weren’t planning on spuffy at the time but it all fits with the dru retcon in “fool for love”. i think any feelings he had were super repressed in him for a while though, and were probably closer to obsession than anything (where does one draw the line between obsession and love? much to think about!!). tbh, and maybe this is controversial, i kind of think it’s not until “intervention” that he really understands just how in love with her he is, or what it really means to be in love with her. he definitely thinks he’s in love, he has a raging, identity-crisis crush, but i don’t know, something just feels different after that episode. i feel like it’s when his feelings for buffy really become less about him and more about her. like, less about having her or wanting her to recognize him, and more about wanting to be what she actually needs. less about *loving* buffy and more about loving *buffy*, maybe. so even though his feelings before then are real, they feel real in a different way to me after “intervention”.

buffy is harder. personally, i don’t think she was ever consciously attracted to spike until maybe s5. (buffy being immediately attracted to him in fic is actually a huge pet peeve for me; it doesn’t feel in character at all and can even make me stop reading). i think there was latent attraction, but spike was just so far outside the bounds of who she thought she would be attracted to that it doesn’t register that way (reason #34095 spuffy is a lesbian ship, obv. also it’s why her being attracted to him immediately can turn me off in fic, bc it makes the relationship feel less gay, and that’s kind of important to me). i think she finds him tacky and annoying and lame and just not a sexual object. he’s a soulless vampire and you don’t sexualize those. and so anything sexual she felt toward him she dismissed the way you might dismiss a weird sex dream about someone you’d never want in real life (jane espenson apparently had notes on her desk pre-s5 saying buffy had sex dreams about him, which i totally buy, especially after “something blue”). i think one of the reasons she freaks out so bad in “crush” is that suddenly spike isn’t in the non-sexualizable category anymore. like, what, vampires and slayers are sexualizing each other now? like in real life not just innuendo? you broke the rules, what am i supposed to do now? it’s why she’s so weirded out when he tries to kiss her in “fool for love” and goes on about how people can’t love without a soul in “crush”. spike isn’t fitting his sexual category and she doesn’t know how to deal with it so she tries to stuff him back in. long story short, i think it’s only after “crush” that she actually consciously thinks about his attractiveness, because before then he just wasn’t someone on the table for her to think about that way.

(oh i should also add—i think spike’s “crush” moment with buffy is “who are you?” when faith comes onto him. because it was sort of a similar thing for him. even though he was attracted to buffy before that episode, it was something he repressed or treated as kind of a game. innuendo and eroticism as a battle tactic but not something you’d actually follow through on in real life. but he thinks buffy breaks the rules in “who are you?” and suddenly makes herself real-life sexualizable. so i think his attraction becomes more conscious after that, even if he’s still trying to act like it’s something that disgusts him, like buffy post-“crush”.)

(also, this is why it’s so easy to read violence and murder as sublimated desire in a gay way with spuffy. it’s not really about murder and violence. it’s about them expressing romantic/erotic desire within the bounds of what their roles allow, because they can’t conceive of each other in other roles.)

but i do think buffy did still have some sort of draw to spike before s5. i feel like instinctually she saw him as more of a person than other vampires pretty early. definitely not consciously, and definitely wasn’t love. but she talks to him like he’s a really annoying guy more than she talks to him like some sort of mindless enemy. she doesn’t bother telling other soulless vampires that she violently dislikes them, or mock them about their breakups. i think the only other soulless vampires she sort of treats that way are harmony and holden in cwdp, which makes sense since both of those are vampires she knew before they were vamped. she didn’t kill harmony either, and wasn’t excited about having to kill holden. but spike is the only “stranger” vampire she sees that way, and i think that’s interesting! i think a lot of her conflict over him is due to this too, tbh. he instinctually feels like both a person and not-a-person to her, and that’s hard for her to process.

i have zero canon to back this up, but i think the first time buffy kind of sort of falls in love with spike is in “the gift”, when he says he’d protect dawn until the end of the world. i mainly think this because i don’t think it can be understated how important dawn is to buffy, or how telling it is that she kisses spike in “intervention”. other people have said this, but she just doesn’t kiss people every time they do something nice for her. i don’t think she would have done that unless she felt some sort of latent *something* for him, and unless he’d done something that really deeply affected her. him being willing to sacrifice himself for dawn’s sake, or protect her above all, affects buffy first: because of how self-sacrificing she is. she’s always the one who has to die or put herself on the line for other people. and second: she’s the only one who cares about dawn the way she does. no one else goes into a coma or threatens giles or vows to protect her until the end of the world…except spike.

so the fact that spike would understand the self-sacrificial and protecting-dawn parts of her, or help her with them in the same unthinkingly committed way, when no one else is, i think hits her where she lives. he understands and is not just supporting, but *embodying* this hugely important thing to her at the time when it counts the most. so she falls a bit in love with him. maybe just a second, or a minute, and then she ignores it and saves the world. but that’s the first time it happens.

then as far as s6 goes, i pretty much take buffy at her word when she says she has feelings for him, but that they’re not love. i think she has really intense and confusing emotions around him and for him, but they just don’t cohere into something that could be called something clear-cut like love. and that’s sort of the tragedy of that season? it has all the potential and intensity and chemistry for love, but she doesn’t like or trust herself and she doesn’t trust him, and he isn’t in a place where he can understand the guilt and self-hate she’s going through, or be moral without her guidance, and so in a lot of ways her lack of trust really is justified. so it just can’t quite reach the realness of love, where you want and want to care for the other person’s whole self. but (adding this edit based on a comment by marinxttes!), i totally agree that a lot of her breakup with spike is about her feeling enough for him that it doesn’t feel right to use him anymore. i think that’s the decisive moment when she stops being confused about whether he is or isn’t a person (and whether *she* is or isn’t), and decides he is one. maybe not one she thinks she can love yet, but one she genuinely cares about doing right by, and that’s a huge shift.

i believe her in s7 too when dawn asks if she loves him and she says she feels for him. i don’t know when exactly that whole mess starts cohering into something that really is love for buffy, but i feel like it’s happening the whole season. like air condensing into water. all the pieces have been there, amorphously, for a long time, and finally they’re allowed to take form. so when she says “i love you” in “chosen”, it’s at once something new, and also something that’s been there all along.

#ship: spuffy #do i have evidence to back up 90% of this? no #am i going to post it anyway? absolutely

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jaggedlittleteacup · 2 years

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Supernatural Theology Discussion at 3am, Featuring the Tired Minds of @castiel-noodle-soup and Yours Truly <3

A short discussion about Castiel, Destiel, love, God, and his implications in the SPN universe.

Alex: Imagine Cas is responsible for creating things that have always made humanity softer and more comfortable! Cas invented hugs. Cas invented chicken noodle soup. Cas invented the very notion of love when he gave Shakespeare the idea for Romeo and Juliet! God, am I having feels-

Lexi: Cas is a manifestation of good in the world, as I wrote many moons ago.

Alex: But- but y’see- the problem with that last idea is the classic connotation of Romeo and Juliet. The star-crossed lovers both die at the end. And…well. I’d find that so poetic. But yes, you’re right. Cas is good. And he will always be good.

Lexi: Romeo and Juliet isn't about love, it's about being young. I imagine it was Cas trying to teach good through bad. Moral of the story situation.

Alex: I think it’s about making mistakes, and making mistakes is the most human aspect of…humanity. So, for Cas to understand that…

Lexi: Awww, Cas just wanted the best for everyone. He really only wanted to use his angel advantage to help humanity.

Alex: Exactly! It feels like Cas has always been- I hope I’m doing this right- #not like other angels.

Lexi: He's not like the other angels, he actually understands the way angels and God are supposed to work before they get power hungry.

Alex: I wonder if Chuck was ever good.

Lexi: Okay, listen, I haven’t watched SPN but connecting back to the little understanding I have of biblical stuff, originally the angels were used for human communication and God even created the rainbow out of caring. So, Castiel is gay because he understands the modern and original significance of the rainbow as well as the whole actual plan of God. He is actually the good angel, despite being the rebel of free will.

Alex: You haven’t WHAT- okay, okay- just- hold on. First of all, I adore that idea. Cas is the embodiment of love, so it only makes sense for him to be a rainbow. And maybe, from my perspective…what if Lucifer was always good, since he encouraged free will rather than stifle and punish for it? So, maybe Cas was an anomaly. But! Second thing. I know I’m not one to talk, I’ve only seen like four or five seasons so far and a few of the important episodes, but- HOW?

Lexi: I understand spn better than the writers. The idea that Lucifer was good is interesting, especially considering Casifer, who actually says that he didn't believe in God's love for mankind.

Alex: First of all, I think somebody who only knows about SPN from their weird second cousin twice removed would know more than the writers, and second- yeah, I’ve always considered Lucifer better. Not in a satanist way, but in an “actions of god aren’t very great” way. God- or Chuck, if you mean him- doesn’t seem to love humanity. He loves power over humanity.

Lexi: That's good, right there. Chuck’s obsessive love for mankind WAS power, it makes so much sense!

Alex: It does, because Chuck was obsessed with control. Controlling the Winchesters. Controlling the angels. God’s first act was forbidding free will because he didn’t want to relinquish that power. This is galaxy-brain level understanding of SPN, holy shit-

Lexi: It's a great day to ascend and understand SPN in a way not even the writers realised they were doing. This theory also cements the idea that the first three seasons really were buildup to introducing their real main character.

Alex: You’re absolutely right, and since I choose to believe we’re living in a world where the writers actually have a sense of linear screenwriting, I think it was a genius move. Building up to something. Having most episodes be rinse and repeat, the same script, the same formula because Chuck. Was. In. Control. Then Cas breaks the game. New people are introduced. Dean is suddenly not the macho manly man, but a multifaceted, repressed man that is the epitome of stifled bisexuality- and then, the cruelest joke of all, or perhaps a deeper resolution- we get the exact ending the show warned us about for 15 years. Chuck wins BECAUSE they refuse to change. BECAUSE the writers finally gave up their free will.

Lexi: How does it feel to be a genius? SPN is not a show about brotherhood. SPN is a show about breaking a cycle. Ending patterns.

Alex: Except it simply ends as a warning for what happens when we choose to let go of our freedom and not break the cycle.

Lexi: THE BAD ENDING WAS ON PURPOSE! I love literary analysis.

Alex: Yes, it was- and it’s so obvious. I remember reading somewhere on here that the saturation and lighting of the episodes slowly became brighter and more colourful, and that only feeds the theory. Everything became a joke. This was how it was supposed to end, but Chuck missed one key fact. He underestimated love. Dean was always going to die. But Cas delayed it, he put a dent in that plan, and in doing so gave hope. Because you can change the inevitable. With…love?

Lexi: And Cas is love embodied.

Alex: He is! Which means that no matter how the Winchester’s stories ended, love won. And that in itself is beautiful.

Lexi: Love lost, actually. Because Dean died heartbroken and never reunited with his hope. Cas' is a punk story of rebellion and writing your own endings, as well as ending patterns and cycles, while Dean's is a story of holding on, whether for or because of someone. I dunno what the heck they did to Sam, though.

Alex: No. Dean and Cas’s story will always be a tragedy. But love won, at the core- fundamentally, it beat Chuck. Dean and Cas…they didn’t survive, but they became martyrs in the best way. They became inspiration for a generation to spread love. Neither Chuck- nor God, for that matter- could ever win against that. And…meh, Sam’s not important. He gets a weird wig.

Lexi: Y’know what Misha said about writing our own ending? Yeah, that was totally Cas. the embodiment of love. Destiel is like if Romeo and Juilet was gay and a plausible story. Rather than youthful mistakes, DILF mistakes.

Alex: One, Destiel is like Romeo and Juliet, if Dean didn’t have his love stripped from him and two, Sam…is not a DILF.

Lexi: I did not mean Sam as a DILF. DeanCas are DILFs, Sam and Jack are smol, and I want to pick them up and put them in my mouth and- y’know? Cas really did invent Romeo and Juilet, trying again and again and again. And he never did.

Alex: The idea of Cas always losing his beloveds…hurts.

Lexi: Sigh. The curse of being an angel.

Alex: He deserves to be happy, and the one thing he wants…is…the one thing he know he can’t have. Love. Love is all he’s ever wanted.

Lexi: He didn't get it in-series, but I'd like to imagine he's getting it now. When I smile at the bees and the honey- and, less subtly, the whole fandom. Cas, I think, also tells of the fact that you really do have to be brought up while you bring others up.

Alex: We gave Cas the ending the writers couldn’t. Maybe…us, as the audience…maybe we’re the ones who’ve won against Chuck. Because his plan backfired, and instead, we flourish. We spread love with others, and bring joy and happiness. Good gosh, the feels-

Lexi: We learned our lesson! Always choose free will!

Alex: You’re right.

#jalexandria #lexi two strikes again #spn #supernatural #castiel supernatural #castiel #cas #destiel #chuck #god #spn discussion #metas #spn meta #3 am rambles #cw supernatural #the power of love #dean winchester

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mrs-nate-humphrey · 3 years

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I am curious: what are your favorite scenes from your main ships (date, dair, derena...)?

scenes involving milo don't count, sorry!

for me, it's really not just scenes, but body language & just in general, how they are with each other, you know? dan and serena grin at each other and hug SO much, you can tell that being around each other in s1 made them both so happy, and even after that glow fades the way they look for comfort in each other... top level stuff. the way blair looks at dan... we never see her as radiant at any other point. she was not looking at anyone else like this. and gosh, dan and nate. they're both so comfortable around each other that there's absolutely nothing weird about like. discussing that one ex girlfriend whom they both share AND both were in love with. there is literally no other duo who trusts/enjoys each other's company so much that they're comfortable in a love triangle. (probably because they're more in love with each other than with the girl, but that is not the point. or is it?)

anyway, more specific answers. under the cut. this is one of the longest answers i've ever written on this blog possibly but you KNEW that would happen when you sent this ask, didn't you? (affectionate)

derena: i tagged one of my ds reblogs as 'the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one' and like. look at them! this hug from 1x10 kills me in the best way. they are both the literal embodiment of :D when they see each other! i love 1x10 as a whole moment, their entire thing at cotillion is so sweet and they're both so happy. the fact that he is talking about his chemistry teacher during this kiss in 1x07. that bit at the end of 1x05 when they talk about their siblings (being there for their sibling because of fallible parents being a derena parallel makes me simultaneously really sad and really soft, tbh). 1x05 gives me SO MUCH SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT but the way they walk off together arms around each other does something to me - these are two people who are still getting to know each other but who really like what they see, and who trust each other and. are just having a good time together! back when derena was my OTP, the 1x11 "your story's about me?" was absolutely a fave, too, and i still adore it, albeit in a different, more nostalgic way. i like a dan who writes cute stories about serena. no empty shell sabrina van skoneker bullshit. she is so much like you, daniel! you'd be shattered if she did this to you. don't do this to her. tbh, most derena moments from s1 are just A+ romance. the bit in 2x02 in the jitney is so funny, they're SO bad at being exes. the bit in... 3x03 i think?? i don't remember... on the contrary. when they're talking about dan's fling w/ georgina and serena's relationship with carter, the ease with which they talk and how happy/supportive they are of each other's new relationships... yeah. love to see it.

i also really like any instance of them having honest/open conversations. 1x13, talking about how serena is concerned about blair. 1x08, serena talking to dan about feeling jealous of vanessa. this bit from the touch of eva or whatever that episode is. 4x04 i think. this is the conversation everyone is trying to get dan to have and he's avoiding EVERYONE else. derena interactions in 3x21 (can't find a gif right now) - the fact that dan is with serena when her dad abandons them, the fact that he goes all the way there with her. 2x07, "i'm really glad you're nate's friend. he really needs someone like you right now" (though i'm cheating, that's technically a d/n moment too klhdflkgf). there's a bit in s4 where he's advising her against having an affair w/ colin, i don't remember the ep number, but the way he takes her side so easily and naturally and puts due blame/responsibility solely on her professor... yeah. 4x10 i think this ep is?? idk. but like my tags say, im sentimental about this moment because while what dan was doing was irresponsible, sneaking her out of the ostroff, he was the only person in this episode who was actually talking to her and listening to her and taking her seriously. nobody else was doing that!!

i probably have more moments i'm not remembering, but we're only 1/3 into this answer and LOOK AT THE WORDS, good lord, i'm sorry.

dair: my favourite dair episode is hands down despicable b (5x21) which i have heard is an uncommon answer. i just love the conflict resolution of it all, okay!!! 1x04 & 2x08 are like. standard answers any dair shipper will give, and i'm no different. i love dan being able to give blair advice and blair actually taking his advice even though they're not friends yet!!! be right back, yelling at the intimacy of it all!! 5x16, with their getting together (this little kiss and dan being so startled by it), blair admitting a flaw she genuinely does have and dan saying it's not awful because it's her, which is just. romance at its finest. those vows, good lord. 5x18.... they're having fun! blair showing up at the loft in lingerie for dan... the delight on her face.... (i know this moment blows up in their face but when she's there she looks so happy and proud of herself and this was like THE moment when i was like. oh. dair is really the heart of this garbage show huh).

i think for me, the thing that really sells dan & blair together is the serena of it all. both of them love serena more fiercely than anyone else, and that is what brings them together. (fwiw i definitely think nate loved serena this much and this deeply, too; the writers just wanted to pop the serenate balloon, which even i think was extremely unnecessary and ooc.) but (& i have so much meta about this) their relationship grows beyond serena. their entire s4 arc is SO good. i love how comfortable around each other they are, in such an adult way, in the sense of like. they both bring so much stability to each other? morgan tagged this edit "the marrieds" and like. yeah. b offers to help him shave. they're having breakfast & reading the paper together.

all the love declarations we got that weren't a simple 'i love you.' be your charming wonderful self (how could she not love you/ tell me what would make you happy, dan) i told chuck he doesn't have my heart anymore (you spent your life earning the keys to set you free when you were free all along!!!!) dan's pep talk to blair in 5x21 (already linked a gifset earlier, here's another one if you want i guess). there's definitely more... but honestly, the way the dair arc was executed was so good - while i do have my complaints, i also think keeping those aside, it was SO close to perfect. i love dan & blair's banter and gradually becoming closer and closer and closer. it felt very organic and real and GOSH. the way penn & leighton looked at each other while playing dan and blair...... it's just SO MUCH.

date: this is the hardest, because it's. *screams*. maybe you saw me losing my mind over those 2 seconds of nate handing dan a waffle? i love almost every scene with these two, even the hellish s6 breakup scene. my favourite episode for d/n (& also favourite gg episode in general) is 2x06 - i love the homoerotic subtext of it all. nate pretending to be dan because dan's name is the first name that came to his head. dan flirting w/ nate while tied to that thing, in his underwear. them becoming friends. and 2x07 as a follow-up to that! dan getting nate to live in the loft with the humphreys for a while. i am so soft.

4x09 is a terrible episode in general, especially for serena my beloved, but the d/n moments in that one? off the CHARTS. this weird overly macho flirting, in some ways THE most iconic d/n line. this entire finish each other's sentences nonsense. someone (i think it was ana but im not sure?) compared the energy of those scenes i just linked to the book blairenate love triangle resolution, blairena choosing each other over nate in the books, date choosing each other over serena in the show (if only! RIP.) after the saints & sinners ball, this cute little moment of 'youre the only one who understands me. please tell me they went home together. i mean. how could they not have.

3x07, them watching vampire porn together. a tag i used on ao3 (& also on here, once) is 'nate brings out the himbo in dan'. here is a prime example. 'is she levitating?' i don't fucking know, dan, what do you think?? (i was telling my partner that that's what i love abt dair vs date. around blair dan is an intellectual, a librarian, an art historian, a museum curator. around nate it's like dan is competing to be #1 himbo on the show. can my girlfriend actually fly? i don't know, dan. i can't believe you're seriously asking such a question.)

3x12 pep talk. (sorry about the shitty quality!) essentially nate telling dan that he (dan) is hot and that he shouldn't talk himself down so much.

dan making nate gay in his book. you know. his book from which blair found out he was in love with her. nads (who i will not tag in this billion word long gushy meta, because i value her sanity) once called inside "wish fulfilment' and. i mean. yeah

nate checking dan out at the derena wedding continues to be hilarious. hilarious in the same way as dan sexually fantasising about nate. canon really went 'let's give ivy some special easter eggs' and i appreciate them a lot!

i love the way they are around each other - so quietly attuned to each other. i showed my sister my date!husbands gifset, and she was like. yeah they're so married. and it's just stuff like how dan looks for nate over his shoulder, it's not even an active action, it's as easy and natural and intuitive as breathing, checking to see if nate is still there.

oh, that wasn't as hard as it could've been! okay. cool. im SURE there's more things i could scream about, because it's DN, the fact that they're non-canon makes me THAT much fiercer about them than dair/derena, to be honest. so many dots to connect!! anyway.

#meta #derena #dair #date #anon #this is SUCH a gushy essay but like. what did you expect #how else could i have answered this #this took. an embarrassingly long amount of time #but i had SO much fun so #citations for my ships #don't mind me *whistles under my breath*

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dreamerandcrazy · 3 years

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how high is the probability that soo-won is canonically gay? tbh it it would just make so much sense. soo-won loved yona but really he had eyes for hak since young... i just wish that in the eventual soohak reunion (kusa WHERE IS IT) that they'll acknowledge this fact somehow. that hak is still and forever will be soo-won's goal

Oh, anon, you have no idea how much feelings and ideas I have regarding SooHak, but when it comes to Soo Won’s sexuality, I am in the dark just as every other reader, because sadly we don’t have much insight/p.o.v. from Soo Won himself, and I think that’s on purpose and something Kusanagi is saving for later. However, he mentioned once that he didn’t feel love romantically, but he did like people, and Kusanagi also implied he wasn’t interested in romance during the high school omake, so there’s a chance he could maybe be asexual/aromantic? But he has blushed before whenever someone put him in the spot, like Yona in ch. 1, and when Lili threatened to say he was in a brothel, I think during Sei or Xing arc. So I think there’s a little bit of chance he could be, but the chances of him being asexual are definitely higher. But like you said, if Kusanagi decided to write in canon that Soo Won is gay period, it would also make sense, align with past moments that have made us raise our eyebrows, and it wouldn’t affect the story or his personality, except for other than giving us much needed insight on what goes inside Soo Won’s mind.

(I talk a lot about SooHak underneath, so I put it under a keep reading, lol).

It’s important to note that it’s very much canon that he still cares for/loves Hak and Yona, despite everything that’s happened. However, I do get the feeling that the love he has for Hak is slightly different from the love he has for Yona. It’s very interesting how since the start, Soo Won has kept his emotions in check around Yona and co., but like Zeno said, his face just looks more human around Hak. I guess maybe because Hak has always been the most normal part of it all for Soo Won, since they were kids, which is why I get the feeling that they were closer. They raised Gulfan together, they trusted each other more than anyone, and can read each other so well they were able to know what the other was thinking through a single look. The only time in the manga both of them were seen crying, truly crying over adult emotions, was because of each other. Soo Won wasn’t able to raise a sword to defend himself against Hak when they reunited in Nadai arc, but his hands automatically flew to his sword the moment he saw Hak in danger during the battle in Sei. It’s like a quote from a gifset I reblogged recently, “People change, but habits don’t”. Or even as Ik-Soo himself said, “some love cannot be discarded,” and I think that was as true for Yona then as it is for Soo Won and Hak. They both can try themselves their best to convince they no longer care for one another, and will be ok if the other dies, but we have seen that that’s not true.

Also it’s interesting, like you said, anon, sometimes I get the feeling that Hak is still Soo Won’s goal, but like in a dormant way. Soo Won seeks for the power of the humans, and nobody embodies that as much as Hak, in the story. We have seen since the start that Soo Won admired Hak, and wanted to be like him, so I feel like that feeling is still there. They both literally wanted to be on an equal footing just so they could walk side by side, and that is a powerful want, to have someone mean so much to you that you are motivated by them, which is why their dynamic is probably one of the most interesting for me, whether it’s platonic or romantic. But we shall see how it goes. Many fans have been theorizing that in the next chapter or 204, Soo Won might go to see Hak, and I think that’s something the story really needs right now. They have been avoiding each other for over 200 chapters now, and they’re getting to a point where they can no longer do that. I think Hak has come very far in the manga and is also in a point where he’s willing to listen to what Soo Won has to say; prior to this castle arc, people liked to say he was narrow-minded and refused to see meaning in Soo Won’s actions, but Hak only had the grasp of what he’d seen that night: that Soo Won killed Il and was willing to kill Yona as well, after presenting her with that hairpin. He had no idea about what happened to Yu-Hon, or any of what happened in the past, so from that point of view, Soo Won had usurped the throne and wanted to destroy the evidence of him (Yona seeing what happened). The fact that Soo Won also said “the Soo Won you knew never existed” definitely didn’t help Hak see his side, giving him the impression that their friendship had been a lie since the beginning. And thus, his heart shattered into a million pieces. And he had to live with that hurt and betrayal every day to himself, to the point where it was suffocating him and he broke down completely when he and Soo Won came face to face in Nadai. But like I said, he has come a long way since then, and now he has some idea of what happened and Soo Won’s real reasoning for killing Il, so their next conversation, which I pray happens soon, might come more easily, but that will also depend on what Soo Won will be willing to say. Let’s remind ourselves that Soo Won has expressed he is ready to live an unhappy life, and is not exactly desperate to explain himself to Yona and Hak nor ask for their forgiveness, even if his heart longs so much for his old friends. He’s that kind of character that doesn’t mind being seen as the bad guy so long as he can get the job done, which is one of the many layers of his character that we’ve seen over and over in the manga.

I am sorry this answer was so long, but like I said, I have a lot of feelings regarding SooHak and I really need them to talk it out soon. I’m sorry if something I expressed about Soo Won is not to your liking or to anyone else’s, but this is my point of view from what I could get from the manga. SooHak is the kind of relationship that works just as well for whatever it’s meant to be, but I have a feeling Kusanagi will leave us in the dark about that one and let us believe it is what we wanna believe it is. At first I was 50/50 about Soo Won dying, I still think it’s a possibility, but now it’s no longer one I necessarily would like to see happen. I want him to make things right with Yona and Hak before the manga ends, and beat this crimson illness. I think a fresh start is something he definitely needs for himself, he was robbed of his childhood when he was only 9 and was pushed into a role he didn’t exactly want, so I would like to see him come to terms with that and close that page, and begin living the life he wanted to live before all this.

Tl;dr; I think Soo Won might be asexual, but his feelings for Hak are definitely still an important part of his character arc that I believe we will see more of. But how Kusanagi will go about them, we can only wonder. Thank you so much for the ask, I really needed to let this all out lmao, and for anyone who disagrees with what I said, please just do me a favor and ignore this post because I really don’t wish to be part of discourse. Soo Won is a character that’s hard to read, and maybe my view of who he is can be different from someone else’s, so let’s be grown ups about it and just respect each other’s opinions and agree to disagree.

#asks #soohak #soo won #son hak #akatsuki no yona

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thepiinkcryptid · 3 years

Text

I saw this and thought it would be fun 🖤

1. Are you solitary or in a coven?

I am solitary.

2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other?

I just consider myself a witch. There are aspects of Paganism I follow and enjoy but if I had to choose a title I'd say "Witch".

3. What is your zodiac sign?

Sagittarius ♐

4. Do you have a Patron God/dess?

I don't currently.

5. Do you work with a Pantheon?

I do not.

6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or  any other kind of divination?

I enjoy tarot, pendulums, and reading tea leafs.

7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any)

Rose petals, elderberry, hibiscus, juniper, lilac and sage are my go tos.

8. How would you define your craft?to.

Oh that's a good one. I would define in as simply witchcraft. I practice my own gifts woth the gifts the Earth and God's provide.

9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do?

I strongly believe in the rule of 3 so I try not to, and if I do I make sure I am putting out good to others. If others do that is their business, I am in no place to judge how other practice.

10. How long have you been practicing?

Since I was about 14.

11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars?

I do not currently no.

12. Do you believe in Karma or Reincarnation?

I believe in karma, I believe in the rule of 3, I believe reincarnation can happen, but I do not believe it is the default for most beings after death.

13. Do you have a magical name?

Nope!

14. Are you “out of the broom closet”?

In-plain-sight yes.

15. What was the last spell you performed?

A spell to rekindle love that's gone cold.

16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable?

Yes, but always learning!

17. Do you write your own spells?

On occasion.

18. Do you have a book of shadows? If so, how is it written and/or set up?

I do as well as a hroloir. Both are pretty free form.

19. Do you worship nature?

I wouldn't say I worship it, I am thankful for it and make sure the Earth knows that.

20. What is your favorite gemstone?

Opal.

21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work?

I don't but I wouldn't say I would be opposed to it.

22. Do you have an altar?

Not a proper one at the moment (small apartment) but I have a shelf of my oddities

23. What is your preferred element?

Fire (it's my own). I like how it embodies both beauty and uncontrollable chaos depending on how you treat it.

24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist?

I guess I've never thought about it. No?

25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch?

Nope!

26. What got you interested in witchcraft?

My mother is a witch, as are many of my family members

27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch?

I have not no.

28. Have you ever used ouija?

Nope.

29. Do you consider yourself a psychic?

Psychic? No. Aware and ability to see potential outcomes better than most? Yes.

30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it?

I do not.

31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started?

There is no "right way" to do it.

32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite?

Yes! Beltane because ya boy likes to bone 😅

33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children?

Of course, it's in our blood

34. Do you meditate?

Often!

35. What is your favorite season?

Autumn.

36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform?

Anything consumable.

37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life?

Devotions, prayers, using sachets and stones.

38. What is your favorite witchy movie?

Hocus Pocus (I'm a basic witch I know 🤣)

39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why?

Funnily enough I haven't read that many.

40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not.

Oh I could never choose just one!

41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you?

Accidentally setting something a blaze and it reacting as if it was untouched.

42. What is your favourite type of candle to use?

Taper.

43. What is your favorite witchy tool?

Wand! I love my platinum and clear quartz wand I use it daily.

44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools?

I have not!

45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fea or spirits?

Yes.

46. Do you practice color magic?

I incorporate it.

47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind?

My mother and aunt.

48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies?

Local shops when I can, personally owned online shops if I cat find stuff in person.

49. Do you believe in predestination or fate?

Fate, yes, predestination, no.

50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice?

Write in my grimoir.

51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences?

Too many to count.

52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve?

People who try to push their own rules, gate keep, or scare others.

53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent?

Yes! Bergamot!

54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind?

Nope!

55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster?

Using none organic roses to make rose water and poisoning myself with pesticides.

56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success?

I consider them all to be success because even if they don't go according to plan I learned something.

57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about?

I always feel a bit silly speaking out loud 🤣

58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too?

Of course. Gate keeping is fucking gross. You do you babe.

59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work?baby.

Haven't we all?

60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain?

Nope.

61. What is something witch related that you want right now?

A unakite geode!

62. What is your rune of choice?

I don't have one.

63. What is your tarot card of choice?

Death because every good reader knows he is never literal

64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite?

Yes! I love grapefruit.

65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses?

Nope.

66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public?

Sometimes a pentacle or pentagram.

67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch?

Haven't we all?

68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines?

Nope.

69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft?

Having an understanding of anything you are apart of or want to partake in is important but being a walking text book isn't helpful.

70. What are your favorite things about being a witch?

The connection with so many things normal people will never see or know.

71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch?

Being an empath can be so painful. Seeing the auras of evil people always hurt me too.

72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band?

I have a Playlist, I wouldn't say I listen to any Pagab bands, more so Celtic stuff and creepy compositions.

73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how?

Nope.

74. Do you ever work skyclad?

Yes. I prefer to meditate nude and do most things in just my underwear (hot wax/embers/sharp tools + my pens = no thanks)

75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how?

Of course. I have been exposed to so much most people will never enjoy.

76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice?

Call me basic but it's true: The Earth and Mother Nature.

77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc)

Can you call them fantasy if they're real?

78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol?

One I created for impulse control.

79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not?

Only my own to create magical ties.

80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice?

I don't think so no.

81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow?

Healing.

82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice?

Vanilla reminds me of my Nana baking in the kitchen. She's Chrustian but she inspires me to be a good person.

83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it?

Yes! I meditate naked, burn some blue sage and wash my hands.

84. What real life witch most inspires your practice?

My mother.

85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity?

Offerings.

86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients?

Alphabetically.

87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of?

My mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, great aunt, great grandmother, and probably everyone in that line of sucession. I also have a great uncle who was gay so I assume he was too being that I am one of the few males witches in my family and I am gay.

88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it?

I always put intention into things, you can carve a path through a mountain of you acknowledge the fact that as a magical being you can do it. Our biggest hurdles are ourselves.

89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they?

Seeing auras, being an exceptionally heightened empath, seeing super natural creatures, and premonitions.

90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven?

I am a solitary witch my blood you tell me.

91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought?

Tarot cards! I still have them almost 10 years later.

92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been?

Hmmmm. The house I lived in when I was in Kansas. But not in a good way.

93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities?

Seek out what feels right. Do not listen to anyone who tells you that you "have to" praise anyone.

94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation?

A bit if wine, some good meditation and honestly some good sex. Not mesacriky in that order.

95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it?

Practice practice practice.

96. Do you prefer day or night? Why?

Evening because I like times of transition.

97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work?

Depends on what you're doing.

98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly?

I was young and stumbled. Don't give up though.

99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice?

Yes and no?

100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces?

I am polytheistic.

101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy?polytheism.

Yes.

102. What is your favorite color and why?

Baby pink because it's my aura colour.

103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond?

"How does it work???" and "Oh so you're evil?"

104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest?

Taste.

105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice?

Don't drink and cast. Ya boy likes mead sorry not sorry (that being said I don't ever do anything woth chemicals or fire while drinking).

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isaksbestpillow · 4 years

Text

His (2020) panel transcript

I come bearing yet another translation. (I may have a problem.) This time I have translated the panel discussion that came with the dvd of His. I have uploaded the raw here. The panel starts at around 10:55 and ends at around 27:30. The panelists are transgender model/media personality IVAN, gay rights advocate Matsuoka Soushi, actor Miyazawa Hio (Shun) and scriptwriter Asada Atsushi. Everyone loved speaking in longwinded sentences full of tteiuka and desushi, so I opted for a transcript instead of losing my mind trying to time this thing. The panel took place at Meiji University in January 2020.

Tanaka: Some of you may have seen films featuring characters from sexual minorities. Out of the ten highest grossing Japanese films of 2018, how many do you think featured sexual minorities? The answer is one. This film in question included one gay character with spoken lines. With that in mind, I believe there is a need for more films and other media like His that bring sexual minorities to the frontline.

Question: How did you see this film as a member of the lgbtq community?

IVAN (fashion model, media personality): I tried to approach this film without a preconceived idea. The film was wonderful. Raw in a positive sense. It was nuanced and beautiful, yet simultaneously heartbreaking and ephemeral. I don’t necessarily consider myself a minority since I live my daily life as a woman, so my viewpoint is more of that of a woman than that of a member of the lgbtq community. Watching the film, I thought the relationship was beautiful but not something that is present in my life. For gay viewers, I believe the film doesn’t merely evoke empathy but truly pierces your heart. What do you think?

Matsuoka Soushi (president of Fair Association): Indeed. I am gay, and likewise found the film very raw. I believe many of you present here would agree with me. The kissing scenes for example were very raw, you could hear their lips smacking and everything. In my experience, gay people have been portrayed either in a comical light or in a sort of aestheticised way made for consumption, so I liked the touch of reality.

In terms of painful rawness, the scene at the bar was a tough one. I found it very contemporary. The scene captures how it’s no longer considered okay to straight up say discriminatory things about lgbt people, but people will say stuff like ‘since you’re a homo, maybe I could try it once’, so I found the scene embodied the type of harassment we face today. I found it relatable how Shun in that scene then denies being gay or a homo. I would’ve probably done the same in his shoes.

Another aspect that left a positive impression on me was the lack of a clear-cut villain. I believe most viewers are sympathetic to Shun and Nagisa’s relationship, but when it comes to gender, you have this single mother in the film, and if you approach her with the belief that women are natural mothers and caregivers, it may make her look bad. There are many biases at play. I’m really grateful for this portrayal of sexual minorities, but at the same time, the film is also very much a call to arms on the issues faced by women. Everyone had their own struggle, making it hard to point fingers at any one person.

Q: Getting offered the role

Miyazawa Hio: It was frankly a happy moment. I went to an all-boys school from kindergarten until high school. I had the same friends there for thirteen years. Once we hit puberty, girlfriends and dating entered the picture for most of the guys. My best friend however was gay. We’d been friends for thirteen years, so it was a non-issue in my friend group, it was just the way he was.

However, once we finished our education and entered the real world, my friend found his life became incredibly difficult. For a long time, I kept thinking of ways I could make the world a better place for him. Then it so happened that I received the call. I accepted the role on the spot. The script wasn’t finished at that point, but I was on board. Eventually I received the script, and it was really beautiful but heart-wrenching.

There are many kinds of BL works out these days, and while I’m cool with that, I feel like they only show you the pretty parts, an oasis if you will, an idealised world. It’s like Disney Land. It’s not reality, especially not in Japan. So I was beyond happy to be able to participate in a production that was so true to life. I felt like it was up to me to do it. I’m really grateful for the chance.

Q: On Miyazawa Hio as an actor

Asada Atsushi (scriptwriter): You may wonder if a guy like Shun would exist for real, like there’s something a bit too ethereal about him. A guy making a hard living alone in the woods, still nurturing a love for the man who left him years ago, would people buy that, who could pull it off? We kept asking ourselves these questions until one day one of the producers said there’s a young actor called Miyazawa Hio with whom they’ve been working on another project, and this guy would be perfect for the role. They went as far as saying there’s no one else on the planet who could pull Shun off, which is a pretty bold statement to make, so I wasn’t in a position to disagree with that lol.

Q: Memorable scene: Coming out in Shirakawa

Matsuoka: Looking at the experiences of my friends and other queer people in the prefectures, it’s quite rare to have a coming out experience go so smoothly with the whole community being acceptive. But because I know how rare it is, the coming out scene felt off in a positive sense, a sort of a reality check on where we are now. If communities such as the one shown in the film became more of the norm, it would be easier to navigate the world as a queer person.

When the grandpa shoots his gun, it’s like your whole expression changes, watching it really left an impression on me. This is just my own interpretation, but I did wonder if that’s when you make up your mind on coming out. How do you see it?

Q: Memorable scene: Shun and Ogata-san go hunting

Miyazawa: That’s certainly part of it. I believe both Shun and Nagisa have had a moment where they’ve considered taking their own life. Witnessing the killing of the deer, I found myself reflecting on what it means to live. I experienced a resolve to keep on living. No matter how hard it gets, you have to keep on going, even if it’s just one day at a time, I felt that strongly in that moment.

IVAN: This is merely my personal experience, but the film reminded me of when at sixteen I relocated to Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic with my mother. Machismo was very present where we lived, even more so than in Japan, a clear divide between men and women. People would throw rocks at me as I looked different. I was too scared to come out as transgender, but I did make one close friend. He would tell me I didn’t need to worry because he’d have my back, and it really made me feel at ease. I had that experience at the back of my mind. I was quite worried about their going hunting at first, fearing someone might get murdered, I mean if you’ve seen old films like Boys Don’t Cry that’s where your mind goes. I was bracing myself and worried this would be how the movie ends. When this character then nonverbally lets you know you have his support, it meant a lot to me. I related to finding courage in that moment.

Matsuoka: The courtroom scenes were painful to watch.

IVAN: Tell me about it! I understand you had a lawyer walk you through those scenes.

Asada: Lawyer Minami [Kazuyuki] graciously answered our numerous questions. If we’re gonna do this, be it the courtroom scenes or the other scenes, what we absolutely didn’t want is ourselves or the lgbtq community to watch it and find it inauthentic or write it off as two hours of pure fiction. So it became a question of how far we can take it while remaining authentic. Both in the writer’s room and on set, as I believe the actors were also committed to getting it right. I know people who think they don’t discriminate, who think they’re open-minded, but it’s often these same people that have a really disjointed or superficial understanding of the issues. That’s what I find scary. They know discrimination is bad and you should treat everyone equally, but they don’t educate themselves on how not to offend others in their interactions, instead tooting their own horns on how open-minded they are. Given that, we couldn’t afford to half-ass this thing.

Matsuoka: The old man’s line in the scene where you are at his house talking about books, ‘finding someone you can learn from is one of life’s greatest pleasures’, it really spoke to me. You’ve said in past interviews that it’s one of your favourite scenes. Could you elaborate on that?

Miyazawa: In their day to day existence, Nagisa and Shun are both constantly on edge, having to navigate people’s judgement as well as the feelings that arise from having to lie about yourself. The moment with Ogata-san offers a release from that, a chance to connect with your authentic self. Having just one person like that in your life is such a relief. I of course wish that everyone would become that person. That’s what the scene represents to me. Time flows very gently in that scene, moments like that are what we all want. If only the world could be more like in that moment, that’s why I’m so fond of the scene.

IVAN: You are such a gentle soul. Do you mean you wish our lives were all more like that?

Miyazawa: Yes.

IVAN: What a wonderful person you are!

Miyazawa: I hope many people will see the film. More than anything, I hope people will have love for themselves and the film. I have worked on this film for a year and a half now. During that time, I’ve noticed changes in myself and my thoughts. I may look at what I’ve written on the film pamphlet and think, oh, so that’s what I said six months ago. Not that any of it is wrong, it represents who I was at the time, but when I read it now, I discover something new. This is how I think now, tomorrow I may think differently, in the past few days I’ve become very aware of that. Though it may be a slow process, I hope you will all believe in your evolving selves and welcome those changes.

#his 2020 #his the movie #phew that was a lot of text to type #i haven't even set up a kofi for myself because i am an idiot #my translations

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yellow-faerie · 3 years

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I would very much like to hear about your head canons for Findis and co! (if you're not busy, no pressure!) have a great day :)

Oh yes! Would love to! Sorry it took so long - I have exams and I had to go back through all my many, many notes I have accumulated over the last six months of headcanons and things and the post kept getting bigger!

OK, so, while I sometimes go by other people as Findis’ wife/husband, my personal favourite is Rilyanixë and together they have four children: two daughters and two sons. Of these children, they have six grandchildren (3 granddaughters and 3 grandsons) and (as far as I know so far) no great-grandchildren.

(I’ll put the full post under the cut)

So Findis is the eldest daughter of Finwë and Indis called Laurinalma by her mother (meaning Golden Flower) and Lintafinwë by her father (meaning Soothing Finwë) (and maybe Finwë is a male name but I believe -wë is a gender neutral name ending and I like the idea of different families keeping a naming tradition of sorts). The name Findis is actually her Cilmessë.

She dislikes Tirion immensely because of their general attitude to remarriage and everything really.

I have this headcanon that the children of Finwë were all very close until they really got into society and rumours and other people’s opinions really tore them apart - Fëanor to Formenos or Aulë’s halls; Lalwen to the wilds where she spends most of her time with her Maia girlfriend/wife (they aren’t sure which); Fingolfin to the isolation of court; and Finarfin to Alqualondë.

And Findis goes to Valmar and the Vanyar.

She takes on a healers apprenticeship there, returning only a few times a year to her family home where tensions are rising between Fëanor and literally everyone else - not yet about anything important, more about really insignificant things. (I think this post sums up my thoughts on Fëanor and the way I see his relationships with his half-family quite well)

And for her graduation, she goes to the Tirion library before returning to Valmar (this is as much to cool down after arguing with Fëanor over something inconsequential as it is to find resources for her theory exam/essay/things) and meets Rilyanixë.

Rilyanixë (a name meaning Sparkling Ice) is the quiet, middle child of the chief archivist of Tirion Archive. His father is a Vanya hunter (because, really, Findis isn’t going to marry someone who isn’t at least a little Vanya) and his older sister takes after him. His younger sister went down to Alqualondë to learn sailing because she refuses to take after either of her parents, but that’s another story.

They meet because he too is looking to get away because his mother - a staunch supporter of the crown and it’s ability to make sound decisions (thus trusting Indis) - threw someone from the archive for making snide comments about the royal family and Rilyanixë rather disliked the raised voices. It is technically his day off but he came here to put books away because that’s what calms him.

So they meet and get on well: Rilyanixë quite likes this slightly scatter-brained healer and Findis likes the quiet librarian with a small smile and brown hair that shines gold when the light hits it just right.

She agrees to meet him again when she returns the books in a month or two when she comes back to town.

And they go out for coffee and learn that they are both half-Ñoldo, half-Vanya. And they sort-of fall into each other, meeting up in Valmar and in Tirion and eventually they are courting and then betrothed and then they are married, three years after first meeting.

(The marriage does cause tensions to rise between Rilyanixë and his Vanya family who see Findis as too Ñoldor and have issues with that so they don’t end up spending much time with them - there’s a reason Rilyanixë’s parents don’t live together anymore)

Now, Rilyanixë married into this family so he is as veritably crazy as all of they are - except no-one notices until he tells Fëanor that his latest creation was ‘passable, he supposes’ because Fëanor insulted Findis and you just don’t do that. Basically, Rilyanixë is very uncrazy unless provoked at which point he will just provoke whoever’s closest, however ill-advised that is (if that makes any sense).

Anyway, they get a house halfway between Tirion and Valmar (because they can’t be completely separate from politics but...they don’t want to be anywhere near it at the same time) and live fairly peacefully, with occasional siblings just appearing or nephews and nieces and the like (from Rilyanixë’s side too it should be noted).

Everyone is beginning to think that they are not going to have children as Arafinwë is already married and with a baby when Findis declares that she is pregnant. A year(ish) later, she gives birth to a girl that Findis calls Findecurë (Tress of Skill - weird name, but I was trying to come up with a translation for Finvain) and Rilyanixë calls Nofernë (Under Beech Tree). Of the two of them, Rilyanixë’s naming is actually a bit more prophetic than his wife’s (because I find it odd that only women have prophetic visions and while I still think that women are almost always the parent (if either parent does have prophetic name-giving), I thought that men must even just a little).

Before Fëanor pulls the sword and everything finally collapses in on itself, they have three more children. A boy who she calls Findelaurë (I’m using this variation on Glorfindel’s Quenya name for the sake of familial consistency) and who Rilyanixë calls Indiltur (Lily Lord). Another girl that Findis calls Fanyanel (Daughter of the Clouds) and Rilyanixë calls Iþilmolótë (Flower of Starlight - and apparently the Vanyar still used the letter thorn? I might be wrong). And finally another son that Findis calls Finróna (Hair of the East) and Rilyanixë calls Aþumolor (Good Companion in Dreams). In order of birth, their Sindarin names (and the names I shall be referring to them by) are Glorfindel, Finvain, Faniel and Finrun.

At the darkening, Glorfindel follows Turgon (with whom he is close), Faniel follows Glorfindel (with whom she is close), Finrun follows his elder siblings and the other Finwean babies (Galadriel, Argon and Ambarussa), and Finvain follows her siblings.

When her children and family leave, Findis disappears into the wilds (very good fic about this here) and Rilyanixë, with no family, returns to his mother’s house in Tirion.

So Glorfindel we all know goes to Gondolin and dies and gets re-embodied, etc. I would like to add a bit to his story to say I am a big Glorestor shipper and they definitely end up married and they adopt Lindir and his sister Lindis (because no-one can stop me).

As of Erestor, he’s an Avar in my mind who ends up with Gondolin because the Avari keep being pushed from their homes and he knows he would be safe there. (He does initially say he’s a Sindar to try and avoid the general distaste everyone seems to have for the Avari and only tells those he really trusts). Also, he would get on so well with Rilyanixë and it’s such a pity that they don’t meet until the fourth age.

Finvain leaves ME because her brothers and sisters are going, not from any particualr desire of hers to go. She is protective at heart - even if she seems very cold - and loves her brothers and sisters a lot. She does a lot of what she does only grudgingly and eventually swears off killing even orcs as her actions at Alqualondë haunt her that much (she acts as a behind the lines medical assistant due to her knowledge of plants and herbs and is killed because of her oath when the camp is overrun).

She loves gardening. If she’s sitting in a patch of flowers, she’s happy (she would really love hobbits if she had lived). She had a garden in her family home between Valmar and Tirion but when she left it got overgrown, despite Finrun’s best attempts to keep it cared for (he’s busy and the garden reminds him too painfully of his absent sister). She can’t keep a garden in ME (she’s a messenger for Fingolfin, moving around a lot) but she does have a habit of planting flowers in odd places wherever she travels.

She does fall in love, if that is what you would call it. She and Morwen (and I have this headcanon that Morwen and Húrin were really good friends who were both hella gay and both really wanted children so got married for that while agreeing that they could see other people) spend time together and it would have developed further if Finvain wasn’t always being called away and she hadn’t died at Nirnaeth.

Finvain holds guilt over her brother’s death as Finrun died at Alqualondë and Finvain saw him die, still confused as to what was actually going on; and Lalaith’s death (who she thought she could save with her medicine but who died anyway).

When she is re-embodied - before her sister but after both her brothers, she returns to her family home - left abandoned by her mother who had vanished soon after the Darkening; her father, who had returned to his mother in Tirion; and her brother, who was now living almost permanently on the outskirts of Alqualondë. She fixes it up the best she can and tends to her garden as slowly, one by one, her family returns.

Faniel is the sort of person who has everyone wrapped around her little finger but doesn’t seem to know. Hella strong, hella kind, hella oblivious - a summary of Faniel’s character.

Faniel and Ecthelion are both bi (when Ecthelion was younger, there was a time he and Glorfindel were courting before they decided they were better as friends). She and Ecthelion have three children: a son, Elemmakil; a daughter, Meleth; and a child, Enerdhil. Meleth ends up as Eärendil’s nurse and marries Elwing’s nurse Evranin which is all I really have for her and I have next to nothing for the other two. But they exist.

Anyway, Faniel fights with a spear and actually lives to escape to the havens but she dies in the Third Kinslaying.

She is the last of her siblings to be reborn and ends up being the one to initiate the search for their mother.

And finally, Finrun. He dies at Alqualondë when he and a few others go into the city to see what the confusion is all about and gets caught up in the crossfire before he can really tell what’s going on. With no blood on his hands and practically no trauma, he gets re-embodied within a few years but everything is really different: all his family has either gone to ME, gone and secluded themselves somewhere, are exceptionally busy or Finrun thinks they hate him. As someone who thrived off of the familial love of his family (being Aro/Ace, this is one of the main forms of love that he experiences), it’s a jarring experience to say the least and ends up with him being really, really lonely.

He decides to deal with this crippling loneliness by throwing himself into his work. The only family who really talks to him is Finarfin but they mainly talk about work and he’s like, if it makes him happy then it’ll make me happy. (It is making neither of them happy, they’re just avoiding the problem). So he ends up in Alqualondë working towards restoring relations. No-one here particularly likes him (Maglor’s wife, Cantasië, does occasionally come and keep him company to be honest to her).

He is here he meets Elwing, singing and miserable who he promptly adopts. (It is not only the Fëanorians with adopting people on the spot issues). The rest of the Teleri are a bit sceptical of this girl however much they like her and she’s uncomfortable in palace having lived nearly her whole life in near poverty despite being a princess. And Eärendil, when he appears, reminds him of his cousins due to being Turgon’s grandson. There’s a bit more nuance to it, I guess, but basically he sees these two children with no family anymore and as he knows how they feel, he decides to give them that family.

It’s at the end of the First Age that Finrun realises that the Valar intend to keep the Ñoldor in Mandos and he basically becomes the advocate for their release. In his house by the sea, he is slowly collecting war orphans who lost parents far too young and came to these shores to try to heal hurts of their souls and Finrun houses them and loves them and tries to get the Valar to release the families they have lost (not realising that in the process he has become part of that family and the loneliness he has been feeling is lessened somewhat - not gone completely because his family is a different entity entirely but lessened).

Eventually, he convinces them and one-by-one, his family and the others trapped in Mandos are released upon their healing, rather than being kept there forever.

(When Glorfindel is reborn, Finrun is not told and meets him on the docks by pure chance before he must go to Middle Earth. And before he can really get over the shock and bundle of emotions, Glorfindel is gone again. Finrun genuinely thinks that this was a hallucination for a long time.)

It is one sunny day soon after Glorfindel has returned to Valinor that Faniel gets them together to go after their mother, who, despite everyone coming back and a tentative happiness and peace beginning, has not returned from wherever she ran to. During their search, they get to catch up for the first time really since they were all reborn.

Findis has just sort of made camp in a cave, not hiding but decided that society sucked and she didn’t want to go back. Her children convince her otherwise and they return and everything is good and happy.

Umm, so yep, these are my vague thoughts on this family. I hope you liked it!

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your-lips-are-very-red · 3 years

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St. Vincent x Emma Madden Interview

This is the text from the St. Vincent interview that Emma Madden was asked to not use. Since Miss Madden has decided to take it down, I wanted it to be available somewhere online - in case she manages to get all the cached versions taken down, too.

SOURCE: https://archive.is/wFkLN

About a fortnight ago I was commissioned to interview St. Vincent, an artist I have been inspired by, impressed by, turned on by, compelled by, curious of, in awe of, occasionally suspicious of—for the better half of a decade. I try not to think about other journalists too much, but St. Vincent has developed a reputation for intimidating us. For her last press cycle, she made her interviewers crawl into a pink box; she would play a pre-recorded message on a tape recorder if a question bored or irked her. I found that quite funny—irresistibly imperious—but I considered it an act of degradation rather than an interesting switch of power. I love famous people but I also find them quite silly, like a Schnauzer wearing a bowtie.

I didn’t know why, but for around two hours after our call ended, I was reeling with nervous energy. I was vocalising it and trying to get to the other side of it, the way I sing songs when I’m walking through a haunted house. I woke up the next morning with a voice message from the editor who assigned this piece. I am fond of this person and I will not name them. MBC, the team in charge of St. Vincent’s publicity (which is helmed by Barbara Charone, who also works for Madonna, and is considered one of the more powerful and intimidating publicists in the industry) had been on the phone to this editor, demanding the piece be pulled. My editor’s words: “They said she’s terrified of this interview coming out.” The publication didn’t have a leg to stand on.

"Terrified"? That word didn't seem to square. I thought I had done a not-so-good job the night before. I ended the call thinking I hadn’t asked the right questions. St. Vincent and I didn’t feel like a good match in conversation (or at least not in this conversational setup set-up, for which I was given thirty minutes, and continual reminders from the person on St. Vincent’s team, who remained on the call with us, that we’d need to wrap up well in time for St. Vincent’s Instagram Live session with Paul McCartney, which directly followed our interview.) St. Vincent tended to interpret my questions in bad faith. I assumed she believed me to be a Bad Reader; presumptuous, judgemental, simple, anti-curious—all qualities that her latest album ‘Daddy’s Home’, which I’ve interpreted as a counter to the folly, inadequacy and meretriciousness of moral purity—counters. Anyway, she read me wrong. I love Lana Del Rey.

I got a call from MBC later that morning by a man who sounded quite nervous. I told him I was confused, I asked him what the matter seemed to be. He wasn't totally sure, he said, "she found the interview aggressive." Aggressive? I complimented her and cowed to her and laughed at her jokes. "Well, the message has been passed down a line of many messengers, she might not have actually said that." The man on the phone said that this—one of his artists demanding an interview to be pulled—had never happened to him before. It hadn't happened to me either. I felt annoyed by how easy it was for St. Vincent to kill something I had researched and expected money for. But the interview started to seem valuable to me after I was told that she didn't want it out in the world. "Can we draw a line under this and just kill the piece here?" said the man on the phone.

Below is the full transcript of my interview with St. Vincent (save for a short and-forth about Tool which didn’t make sense when turned into text). My questions are in bold, her responses are in italics.

**for the sake of this post, Madden’s questions are bold and Annie’s answers are not** Hi, how are you? Good how’s it going?

Not too bad. What’s your mood for today? My mood for today, well it’s good, I’m getting on an Instagram Live chat with Paul McCartney in a couple minutes so my mood is a little bit nervous but good.

I’m excited to talk about this album, I think it has a sick sense of humor that I appreciate a lot. I’ve had a really fun time listening to it.

Oh I’m glad, thank you.

I’m sensing there’s kind of a 70s trend at the moment in terms of fashion and the ways some other bands are presenting themselves. Is that something you were anticipating, is that something you feel you belong to, or was it just kind of accidental?

Accidental.

Do you feel bummed about that? No I don’t, I always just kind of do my own thing.

Do you think there’s a reason why people might be inspired by the 70s today? Do you see an analog with our world today and with the 70s? I guess this album is based in 1973, right?

Between ‘71 and ‘76, so post flower children idealism, post the Summer of Love hangover, but pre escapism of gay disco and pre nihilism of punk. Life was bad but music was good, kind of vibe.

Kind of when the trash aesthetic was taking hold, especially by Andy Warhol. Does trash inspire you? Um like literal rubbish?

No like the trash aesthetic, I guess in the PR you call it sleazy, grimy. Yeah but the difference with sleazy is that sleazy tries to present as glamorous but there’s something off, trash is just trash. I don’t know if trash pretends to be anything other.

Can you have glamour without sleaze? Sure, absolutely. I mean, like the 20s Greta Garbo way, I would say Golden Era Hollywood, I mean behind the scenes it was probably a nightmare but you look at it and it is very genuinely shiny and beautiful.

I love the sitar on this album especially on ‘Down’, the riff is so sick. How did you get to the sitar? Well it’s not a sitar per se, it’s a choral electric sitar guitar and so it was I think George Harrison made them kind of popular in the ‘60s, I think the one I have is from ’67 and it plays like a guitar but it has a resonating body on it so it sounds sitar-esque. It was made very famous in the Steely Dan Do it Again solo.

I guess the main PR bulletin point of this album is about your dad coming out of jail. Why did you want that to be the main way that people might read this album? More like an entry point, the title Daddy’s Home to me I mean one, it is literal but also it’s funny and cringy and pervy and also I think more than anything kind of refers to my own transformation into Daddy as it were. Yeah it’s probably not anything I would’ve really thrown out there except that it was made public without my consent but I didn’t really get to tell that side of the story and I don’t bring it up for sympathy. It simply is my story, it’s not intended to be indicative of necessarily anything, it’s just my story and I was gonna tell it with humor and compassion, all of that.

Did you anticipate a lack of sympathy for your dad’s crimes and the subject matter of this album and did that factor into how you shaped this record? That’s the tail wagging the dog my dear. No, no. A lack of sympathy, well, which crime would be the most sympathetic? I didn’t do anything, I’m simply writing about something that I think on some level everyone who’s ever had a parent can understand in the sense of you’re often going “How much of you am I?” and we kind of do identity projection through all these things so no, it’s again, it’s not really there for anything other than my own anecdotal story.

At what point did you transform into this daddy character? For how much of your adult life have you been the daddy? Oh I would just say over the past few years, I’ve just been quite a bit more leaned back and shoulder shrug and say let’s just sit down in the old beat up leather armchair and have a tequila and chat it out you know. Life is complicated, human beings are complicated and I wanted to just write stories about flawed people. There’s a whole lot of judgement going around and not a whole lot of understanding. And judgement is anti-curious. There are some people, perhaps the more sanctimonious and morally pure, who might not be interested in an artist’s reflection on their father’s white collar crimes. Do you have much sympathy for those kinds of people? I mean I think I can get sympathy for all people. If that is the reason why they decide not to spend 46 minutes with my work then I’m sure there’s plenty of other work out there for them that they can enjoy that is morally pure. They should find pure work from pure people and enjoy it.

I guess last year’s riots brought abolition towards the mainstream, during the time you were making this record, which is partially about your father’s time in prison. How did that square with your thoughts on prison and the US carceral system? Well I have plenty of thoughts on it, I’m not totally sure how it’s relevant to this.

Well I was wondering if you have a standpoint on it or if you’d rather just be ambiguous? I have so many thoughts and opinions, I don’t presume that my thoughts and opinions are relevant on every subject though. I don’t have that much hubris.

I understand. I was wondering about the Candy Darling inspiration, how does she come into the fold? Oh I just, Candy Darling to me is such a beautiful heroine in that she came from Queens and went not geographically far but worlds away to Manhattan and became her true self and in that particular kind of combination of glamour and toughness, where you feel like her name should be on the marquee and yet she could stick you with a shiv if you said the wrong thing. And I just find her inspiring and really beautiful, and I didn’t know but I found out a friend of mine was close with her and was at her bedside when she died so I was just picturing Candy Darling’s ascent to heaven as taking the final uptown train.

Wow. Did you feel like you were embodying her on this album or presenting as her? No not as such, but definitely taking inspiration from some of her energy for sure. I do hear a bit of her voice on the title track, I was wondering if you were kind of modeling your voice after her? On Daddy’s Home? Oh, no.

I love the sultriness of that song, even though it’s just about signing autographs in prison. I found it really funny. Yeah it’s definitely again, I’m writing about my own story with humor and compassion and self-effacement, all that.

Do you see this album as a movement, does it have a narrative? Yeah. It’s a full story, it’s a full collection of short stories. It has a shape and everything.

That’s just how I listened to this album, as a series of short stories. I was wondering how they interlink in your mind? I guess you have the person on Broadway, you have your dad, you have the person who’s maybe thinking of having a baby or not having a baby. I just could write stories of flawed people doing their best to get by because I’ve been most of the people on this album at one point of my life or another. And again I could write about them without condemnation and judgement just, here we are.

Are you a nostalgic person? No not generally.

Not even during the creation of this album? I’m thinking of the humming tracks, your mum cooking in the kitchen. Not exactly, I think that this particular kind of music with its sophistication and some of the jazz language in the harmony and its sense of time, it was a kind of music that I’d loved for so long but never really dipped into myself, and I think we kind of learn things a lot of times when we’re ready to, and I think I was kind of ready to learn some of the lessons that this kind of music had to teach me.

Do you think about shame a lot? Um, I think that shame is the reason why most people do the violence that they do. I think violence is an expression of impotence.

What was it about the post-idealist era in particular that you were drawn to, why not go through the flower power utopia sort of 60s route? I think that there’s an intellectual orthodoxy that is involved in utopian thinking and a lot of times it doesn’t allow for either a complex set of incentives or it doesn’t allow for the totality of human nature in its equation, and then it fails and because the structure of any kind of power is really complicated so I think in general the desire… and I understand that we’re living in, in some ways, I think just with the internet part of it, in some ways unprecedented times. And I understand people’s desire for certainty in times economic strife, cultural upheaval, all this stuff. I completely understand the desire for certainty. But I don’t think it’s as simple as demanding moral purity and punishing anyone who doesn’t fix the orthodox criteria. I understand the desire but I’m not sure it’s gonna get to where I think we want to be, which is just general more equality, whether it’s wealth equality, wealth disparity, all that kind of stuff I just think the matrices of power are really complicated.

You were saying earlier about Daddy and how you were thinking about your dad and the overlap between you two and how we all possibly become our parents. I was wondering how you consolidate the influences of your parents? I don’t know anything about them obviously but I know that your mum was a social worker, your dad was an entrepreneur, and those seem like two totally opposing worlds. Yes, my mother is a social worker and she instilled in all of us I think the idea that the work we do should be meaningful and she’s definitely really humanistic and that kind of thinking I think, that had an impression on me. My dad wasn’t an entrepreneur, my dad was a stock broker I think? But I grew up with my mom and my stepdad and my stepdad was a very different kind of guy, just was an army brat and grew up really poor, and was just coming from a different mindset and they’re just very different kinds of people. Not a judgement thing, just very different. Yeah my mom definitely errs on the very humble side. And yeah, my dad is a complicated, charismatic person who’s also very intelligent, and who went down a path that was full of consequence. Yeah they’re really, really different people so it’s funny to kind of square who was who.

What does your dad think of this album? Oh he loves it!

Yay, that’s good to know. Did you ever rebel against your dad’s lifestyle growing up as a teenager? I didn’t grow up with him, and he was in Tulsa Oklahoma. I don’t know what lifestyle you’re necessarily presuming but..

No I’m not presuming, just wanted a little background on your relationship with him I guess. So he wasn’t in your life that much where you were younger? I would go and we would spend summers there and Christmas, but I grew up in Dallas for the most part with my mom and my stepdad.

Was this album in any way an opportunity to get closer to your dad? Not in any way consciously, no.

But are you finding with age and with time you’re getting closer to him? Well him being out of prison helps in terms of just proximity. Yeah, here’s what I’m finding. I’m finding that we live by the stories that we tell ourselves and that sometimes we realize that the story we’ve been telling ourselves for a long time was either wrong or lacked a certain amount of information, and then we have the choice of whether to reject the new information because it’s too painful to rethink the story that we’ve been telling ourselves, or assimilate the new information and go, wow life is complicated, this is an interesting wrinkle. I choose to do the latter.

Yeah, it’s very easy to bullshit yourself, right? Yeah, it's true in all kind of ways you know?

This story, the story of your dad, it almost seems redemptive. I mean I would say so, and that’s not in any way what I intended and you know, a lot of times when you’re making something, I mean you’re a writer you know, you have the compulsion to make it but you’re not necessarily sure where it’s coming from or why or any of those kind of questions, but I think there is the possibility of redemption, I do, I think there is the possibility of people to change and I think there is a possibility of things like forgiveness and growth. And if I didn’t think that there was a possibility for human beings to change, to grow, to take in new information and then continue to write their story, then I don’t know what we’d really be doing, you know? And that’s not really the world I want to live in, we’re a moving picture we’re not a still photograph.

Do you want to try and change the world, do you feel like you have that power, do you feel hopeful that there can be a better future? Sorry for the cheesy language. No, I mean I don’t think that many people would accuse me of being an optimist in a lot of ways, and I don’t think in terms of my “power to change the world” I mean I think all I can do is try to study the human condition and write about the human condition in some way that resonates and then maybe people will hear that and that will resonate with them and I think that ultimately the best case scenario for music is empathy because it’s like psychologically this is why we like to listen to stories or this is why we like to watch movies is so we can go down the empathy exercise and you can see yourself as that person in the film, see someone who isn’t like you in any way, shape or form from a just box ticking kind of way, but then realize oh, we’re very similar in some ways or what would I do if I was in that situation, we do all these things and we live by these stories and I think those stories well-told can encourage empathy and empathy can go out into the world and have a kind of transformative experience. I don’t really think about, I mean I think once I make a thing and then it’s out in the world and it’s for other people to assimilate or enjoy or not, whatever, however they take it, is absolutely fine by me. But it’s for them, it’s not my place in any way to say how people should or should not enjoy it or assimilate it.

Yeah the reason I brought up prison abolition earlier is because that might be how some people contextualize this album. I would say that that’s one lens. That to me would not be the main lens.

[I’m told to wrap it up]

Yeah let’s wrap up. So Tool cover album next? No, I wish.

Someday I’m hoping. I love Tool.

I feel your Paul McCartney nerves Yeah, I’m gonna go shower.

That’s always a good idea. Okay take care, thank you again for you time Thanks, bye.

#st vincent #emma madden #interview #daddys home

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popculty · 3 years

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52 Films by Women: 2020 Edition

Another annual challenge complete!

Last year, I focused on diversifying my list. This year I kept that intention but focused on watching more non-American films and films from the 20th century. Specifically, I sought out Agnès Varda’s entire filmography, after her death in 2019. (I was not disappointed - What a filmmaking legend we lost.)

I also kept a film log for the first time and have included some of my thoughts on several films from that log. I made a point of including reviews both positive and negative, because I think it’s important to acknowledge the variability and breadth of the canon, so as not to put every film directed by a woman on a pedestal. (Although movies directed by women must clear a much higher bar to be greenlit, meaning generally higher quality...But that’s an essay for another day :)

* = directed by a woman of color

bold = fave

1. The Rhythm Section (2020) dir. Reed Morano - Not as good as it could have been, given Morano’s proven skill behind the camera, but also not nearly as bad as the critics made it out to be. And unbelievably refreshing to see a female revenge story not driven by sexual assault or the loss of a husband/child.

2. Cléo de 5 à 7 (1962) dir. Agnès Varda - If you ever wanted to take a real-time tour of Paris circa 1960, this is the film for you.

3. Little Women (2019) dir. Greta Gerwig - Still my favorite Little Women adaptation. I will re-watch it every year and cry.

4. Varda by Agnès (2019) dir. Agnès Varda & Didier Rouget

5. Booksmart (2019) dir. Olivia Wilde - An instant classic high school comedy romp that subverts all the gross tropes of its 1980s predecessors.

6. Girls of the Sun (2018) dir. Eva Husson

7. Blue My Mind (2017) dir. Lisa Brühlmann

8. Portrait of a Lady On Fire (2019) dir. Céline Sciamma - Believe the hype. This film is a master thesis on the female gaze, and also just really effing gorgeous.

9. Belle Epine (2010) dir. Rebecca Zlotowski

10. Vamps (2012) dir. Amy Heckerling - With Krysten Ritter and Alicia Silverstone as modern-day vampires, I was so ready for this movie. But it feels like a bad stage play or a sit-com that’s missing a laugh-track. Bummer.

11. *Birds of Prey (2020) dir. Cathy Yan - Where has this movie been all our lives?? Skip the next onslaught of Snyder-verse grim-darkery and give me two more of these STAT!

12. She’s Missing (2019) dir. Alexandra McGuinness

13. The Mustang (2019) dir. Laure de Clermont-Tonnere - Trigger warning for the “protagonist” repeatedly punching a horse in the chest. I noped right out of there.

14. Monster (2003) dir. Patty Jenkins – I first watched this movie when I was probably too young and haven’t revisited it since. The rape scene traumatized me as a kid, but as an adult I appreciate how that trauma is not the center of the movie, or even of Aileen’s life. Everyone still talks about how Charlize “went ugly” for this role, but the biggest transformation here isn’t aesthetic, it’s physical – the way Theron replicates Wuernos’ mannerisms, way of speaking, and physicality. That’s why she won the Oscar. I also love that Jenkins calls the film “Monster” (which everyone labels Aileen), but then actually uses it to tell the story of how she fell in love with a woman when she was at her lowest, and that saved her. That’s kind of beautiful, and I’m glad I re-watched it so that I could see the story in that light, instead of the general memory I had of it being a good, feel-bad movie. It’s so much more than that.

15. Water Lilies (2007) dir. Céline Sciamma – Sciamma’s screenwriting and directorial debut, the first in her trilogy on youth, is as painfully beautiful as its sequels (Tomboy and Girlhood). It’s also one of the rare films that explores the overlap of queerness and girl friendships.

16. The Trouble with Angels (1966) dir. Ida Lupino – Movies about shenanigan-based female friendships are such rare delights. Rosalind Russel is divine as Mother Superior, and Hayley Mills as “scathingly brilliant” as the pranks she plays on her. Ida Lupino’s skill as an editor only enhances her directing, providing some truly iconic visual gags to complement dialogue snappy enough for Gilmore Girls.

17. Vagabond (1985) dir. Agnès Varda – Shot with a haunting realism, this film has no qualms about its heroine’s inevitable, unceremonious death, which it opens with, matter-of-factly, before retracing her final (literal) steps to the road-side ditch she ends up in. (I’m partly convinced said heroine was the inspiration for Sarah Manning in Orphan Black.)

18. One Sings, The Other Doesn’t (1977) dir. Agnès Varda – Probably my favorite classic Varda, this film feels incredibly personal. It’s essentially a love story about two best friends with very different lives. For an indie made in the ‘70s, the diversity, scope, and themes of the film are impressive. Even if the second half a drags a bit, the first half is absolute perfection, engaging the viewer immediately, and clipping along, sprinkling in some great original songs that were way progressive for their time (about abortion, female bodily autonomy, etc) and could still be considered “bangers” today.

19. Emma (2020) dir. Autumn de Wilde

20. Black Panthers (1969) dir. Agnès Varda

21. Into the Forest (2016) dir. Patricia Rozema - When the world was ending (i.e. the pandemic hit) this was the first movie I turned to - a quiet, meditative story of two sisters (Elliot Page and Evan Rachel Wood) surviving off the land after a sudden global blackout. Four years later, it’s still one of my favorite book-to-screen adaptations. I fondly remember speaking with director Patricia Rozema at the 2016 Chicago Critics Film Festival after a screening, her love for the source material and desire to “get it right” so apparent. I assured her then, and reaffirm now, that she really did.

22. City of Trees (2019) dir. Alexandra Swarens

23. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (2020) dir. Eliza Hittmann - To call this a harrowing and deeply personal journey of a sixteen-year-old who must cross state lines to get an abortion would be accurate, but incomplete. It is a story so much bigger than that, about the myriad ways women’s bodies and boundaries are constantly violated.

24. Paradise Hills (2019) dir. Alice Waddington

25. *Eve’s Bayou (1996) dir. Kasi Lemmons – I’ve been meaning to watch Kasi Lemmons’ directorial debut for many years now, and I’m so glad I finally have, because it fully deserves its icon status, beyond being one of the first major films directed by a black woman. Baby Jurnee Smollett's talent was immediately recognizable, and she has reminded us of it in Birds of Prey and Lovecraft Country this year. If merit was genuinely a factor for Oscar contenders, she would have taken home gold at eleven years old. Beasts of the Southern Wild has been one of my all-time favorites, but now I realize that most of my appreciation for that movie actually goes to Lemmons for blazing the trail with her story of a young black girl from the bayou first. It’s also a surprisingly dark story about memory and abuse and familial relationships that cross lines - really gutsy and surprising themes, especially for the ‘90s.

26. Blow the Man Down (2019) dir. Bridget Savage Cole & Danielle Krudy - Come and get your sea shanty fix!

27. Touchy Feely (2013) dir. Lynn Shelton - R.I.P. :(

28. Hannah Gadsby: Douglas (2020) dir. Madeleine Parry - If you thought Gadsby couldn’t follow up 2018′s sensational Nanette with a comedy special just as sharp and hilarious, you would have been sorely mistaken.

29. Girlhood (2013) dir. Céline Sciamma

30. Breathe (2014) dir. Mélanie Laurent

31. *A Dry White Season (1989) dir. Euzhan Palcy

32. Laggies (2014) dir. Lynn Shelton

33. *The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood – Everything I’ve ever wanted in an action movie: Immortal gays, Charlize Theron wielding a labrys (battle axe), kinetic fight choreography I haven’t seen since the last Bond movie…Watched it twice, then devoured the comics it was adapted from, and I gotta say: in the hands of black women, it eclipses the source material. Cannot wait for the just-announced sequel.

34. Morvern Callar (2002) dir. Lynn Ramsay

35. Shirley (2020) dir. Josephine Decker

36. *Radioactive (2019) dir. Marjane Satrapi – The story is obviously well worth telling and the narrative structure – weaving in the future consequences of Curie’s discoveries – is clever, but a bit awkwardly executed and overly manipulative. There are glimpses of real brilliance throughout, but it feels as if the director’s vision was not fully realized, to my great disappointment. Nonetheless, I appreciated seeing Marie Curie's story being told by a female director and embodied by the always wonderful Rosamund Pike.

37. *The Half of It (2020) dir. Alice Wu - I feel like a real scrooge for saying this, but this movie did nothing for me. Nothing about it felt fresh, authentic or relatable. A real disappointment from the filmmaker behind the wlw classic Saving Face.

38. Mouthpiece (2018) dir. Patricia Rozema - I am absolutely floored. One of those films that makes you fall in love with the art form all over again. Patricia Rozema continues to prove herself one of the most creatively ambitious and insightful directors of our time, with this melancholic meditation on maternal grief and a woman’s duality.

39. Summerland (2020) dir. Jessica Swale - The rare period wlw love story that is not a) all-white or b) tragedy porn. Just lovely.

40. *The Last Thing He Wanted (2020) dir. Dee Rees – As rumored, a mess. Even by the end, I still couldn’t tell you who any of the characters are. Dee, we know you’re so much better than this! (see: Mudbound, Pariah)

41. *Cuties (2020) dir. Maïmouna Doucouré – I watched this film to 1) support a black woman director who has been getting death threats for her work and 2) see what all the fuss is about. While I do think there were possibly some directorial choices that could have saved quite a bit of the pearl-clutching, overall, I didn’t find it overly-exploitative or gross, as many (who obviously haven’t actually watched the film) have labeled it. It certainly does give me pause, though, and makes me wonder whether children can ever be put in front of a camera without it exploiting or causing harm to them in some way. It also makes one consider the blurry line between being a critique versus being an example. File this one under complicated, for sure.

42. A Call to Spy (2019) Lydia Dean Pilcher – An incredible true story of female spies during WWII that perfectly satisfied my itch for British period drama/spy thriller and taught me so much herstory I didn’t know.

43. Kajillionaire (2020) dir. Miranda July - I was lucky enough to attend the (virtual) premiere of this film, followed by an insightful cast/director Q&A, which only made me appreciate it more. July's offbeat dark comedy about a family of con artists is queerer and more heartfelt than it has any right to be, and a needed reprieve in a year of almost entirely white wlw stories. The family's shenanigans are the hook, but it's the budding relationship between Old Dolio (an almost unrecognizable Evan Rachel Wood) and aspiring grifter Melanie (the luminous Gina Rodriguez) that is the heart of the story.

44. Misbehaviour (2020) dir. Philippa Lowthorpe – Again, teaching me herstory I didn’t know, about how the Women’s Liberation Movement stormed the 1970 Miss World Pageant. Keira Knightley and Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s characters have a conversation in a bathroom at the end of the film that perfectly eviscerates well-meaning yet ignorant white feminism, without ever pitting women against each other - a feat I didn’t think was possible. I also didn’t think it was possible to critique the male gaze without showing it (*ahem Cuties, Bombshell, etc*), but this again, invents a way to do it. Bless women directors.

45. *All In: The Fight for Democracy (2020) dir. Liz Garbus and Lisa Cortes – 2020’s 13th. Thank god for Stacey Abrams, that is all.

46. *The 40-Year-Old Version (2020) dir. Radha Blank – This scene right here? I felt that in my soul. This whole film is so good and funny and heartfelt and relatable to any artist trying to walk that tightrope of “making it” while not selling their soul to make it. My only initial semi-note was that it’s a little long, but after hearing Radha Blank talk about how she fought for the two-hour run-time as a way of reclaiming space for older black women, I take it back. She’s right: Let black women take up space. Let her movie be as long as she wants it to be. GOOD FOR HER.

47. Happiest Season (2020) dir. Clea Duvall - Hoooo boy. What was marketed as the first lesbian Christmas rom-com is actually a horror movie for anyone who’s ever had to come out. Throw in casual racism and a toxic relationship treated as otp, and it’s YIKES on so many levels. Aubrey Plaza, Dan Levy, and an autistic-coded Jane are the only (underused) highlights.

48. *Monkey Beach (2020) dir. Loretta Todd

49. *Little Chief (2020) dir. Erica Tremblay – A short film part of the 2020 Red Nation Film Festival, it’s a perfect eleven minutes that I wish had gone on longer, if only to bask in Lily Gladstone in a leading role.

50. First Cow (2019) dir. Kelly Reichardt – I know Kelly Reichardt’s style, so I’ll admit-- even as I was preparing for an excellent film, I was also reaching for my phone, planning on only half paying attention during all the inevitable 30-second shots of grass blowing in the wind. (And yes, there are plenty of those.) But twenty minutes in, my phone was set aside and forgotten, as I am getting sucked into this beautiful story about two frontiersman trying to live their best domestic life.There is only one word to describe this film and that is: PURE. I’ve never seen such a tender platonic relationship between men on screen before, and it’s not lost on me that it took a woman to show us that tenderness. Reichardt gives us two men brought together by fate, and kept together by a shared dream and the simple pleasure of not being alone in such a hard world; two men who spend their days cooking, trapping, baking, and dreaming of a better life; two men who don’t say much, but feel everything for each other. The world would be a much better place if men showed us this kind of vulnerability and friendship toward each other. Oh, and it’s also a brutal take-down of capitalism and the myth of the American Dream!

51. Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) dir. Patty Jenkins - My most-anticipated film for the past two years was...well, a mixed bag, to say the least. Too many thoughts on it for a blog post, so stay tuned for the upcoming podcast ep where we go all in ;)

52. *Selah and the Spades (2019) dir. Tayarisha Poe

I hope this gives you some ideas to kick off your new year with a resolution to support more female directors!

What were your favorite women-directed movies of last year? Let me know in the tags, comments, or asks!

#finally finished this #52 films by women #2020 #writing #movies #movie reviews #orig

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bonesliketambourines · 3 years

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Hiya! It's the Festive Fanfic Author Ask! Drop this on or off Anon into the askbox of your favorite authors you'd like to know better: Which one of your own fics do you think feels the most You to you? Which one of your stories would you suggest to read if someone wanted to get the gist of your personality?

Hi there anon!

I got this ask twice, so I’m going to answer it in two somewhat varying ways, if you don’t mind indulging me! I’ve posted part two here.

This was a tough question, and my friends can attest that I panicked and said “what if you don’t have an actual personality and are in fact just a cobbled-together mishmash of every person you’ve ever found cool” when I first got it. But the more I looked at it, the more it made me think, so thank you for that!

First, I’d like to say that a little bit of me goes into every single one of my stories. I can honestly say that out of everything I’ve written (and that will be 50 Drarry works in 2020 once I post my December drabble, can you believe?), none of them were anything less than from the heart. That doesn’t always translate to an excellent fic, of course, that wouldn’t be realistic, but all of them are Me, at least a little bit.

In these asks, though, there are two fics I’m going to highlight, and this part got super wordy so I’m putting it under a cut; thanks to anyone who reads through to the end of my rambles haha.

The first one is just tell me when it’s alright, which was my @hd-wireless 2020 contribution. This was my second major fest fic for the Drarry fandom (and my second major writing attempt in years; I abandoned fanfic and my other fandom in 2012 and just came back to it again in 2019, and didn’t start interacting properly with fandom and writing until 2020), and I poured a lot of time and effort into this fic. It was an idea I’d had for months, but if it weren’t for @tackytigerfic pushing me to sign up for the fest, and the unending support of the friends I’ve made this year, including but not limited to @maesterchill @shealwaysreads and @p1013, it would have lingered forever unfulfilled in my mind.

This was also a pretty major fic for me in that it was written from Harry’s POV. I tend to gravitate to writing from Draco’s eyes (which I’ll address in the second part of this answer), but this story could only have been told from Harry’s perspective, and I was very nervous about that.

I love Harry Potter as a character; I always have. There’s a lot of negative to be said about the source material and the author (let me just stop here to say that TERFs are not feminists, feminism isn’t feminism unless it’s intersectional, and transphobia and any other type of bigotry is not welcome on my blog; I am fallible and make mistakes but I always want to learn, so if I’m saying or doing something wrong please don’t be afraid to message me, and if you don’t agree with my above statements please unfollow me), but the Harry Potter series did so much to enchant an entire generation of kids and get them into reading; its importance really cannot be understated, and it’s doing the series a disservice to minimize its impact.

There was a time in the HP fandom where disliking the character of Harry Potter was sort of en vogue, and I never understood that. Here we have a boy who experienced some of the very worst humanity had to offer, and came out on the other side still brave, and kind, and forgiving, and generous, and good. He was handed the shittiest luck imaginable, and he wasn’t the smartest, or the most magically talented, but because he was able to rise above it all and love he was able to triumph.

As I grow older, as I see more and more of what this world is like, and how the systems of power in both my country and others actually function, I find myself returning to the story of a boy who became a man much too soon, who was given no breaks and provided no quarter, who watched as friends and family alike died around him, and despite it all managed to do good. What a powerful message. What a powerful character. What an incredible example, for a young child growing up in the divisive environment we find ourselves in these days; a fictional hero who won not by strength, or cleverness, or outwitting and othering his enemies, but by love.

So, with all of that, how could I ever write from the perspective of this character?? I’m much better at writing from the eyes of someone who sees and loves Harry, I’d always thought. But again, this story necessitated being told by Harry, and so I had to do it.

I probably spent more time thinking about this fic than I did writing it. I agonized and stressed and worked myself into a lather about how I was going to make it live up to the idea I had in my head. How, I thought, am I ever going to get such an iconic character right?

This Harry has a lot of darkness in him, a lot of sadness that, based on the comments I got, resonated with quite a few people. He’s traumatized, and he’s unaware of many parts of himself because he was never allowed to learn or to grow, and he’s still trying so hard to live up to the idealized image of himself he was confronted with the second he stepped through that archway into Diagon Alley when he was eleven. He’s not straight but he’s not gay, and he doesn’t know how to articulate what he wants or how he feels; and once he does figure it out, once things seem to settle for him, he’s suddenly up against yet another enemy to battle, but this time it’s his own mind.

Depression is an insidious, horrific thing. It slinks into your mind and crushes you down while simultaneously tricking you into thinking you’re not that bad off, and this is normal, and everyone probably feels this way, and who are you to complain after all? It slowly chips away at your joy and your purpose until you’re left surrounded by an uncleaned house and an inability to do anything to right yourself, no matter how much you want to. I don’t think it would be surprising to anyone to know that I’ve dealt with depression for my entire life, back almost as long as I can remember; I struggle with the apathy it presses into me daily, and there are days when, just like the Harry in this story, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t make my home a pleasing, calming place for me to be, and I can’t do anything but dwell on what I’ve done wrong and who I’ve done it to, and how they’re all going to leave.

There were scenes in this story that were incredibly hard to write. There are scenes that I had a hard time re-reading when I went back and revisited this story a few weeks ago. But this, more than anything else I’ve ever written, is the closest I’ve ever come to addressing my own personal demons, to articulating how it feels to be pinned in place by your own brain like that. And truly, Harry Potter himself was the only character I could ever write who would be able to fully embody this particular battle that so many of us face.

This fic has some of the sex scenes I’m most proud of, and some of the character interactions I like the best, but at its core it’s about a young adult adrift in the world, battling with his own brain and doing his best to bring himself some measure of peace and happiness. And for that, as hard as parts of this were to write (and read), I will always be thankful I was given the opportunity to publish this.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you.

#ask me whatever #fandom asks #fandom stuff #thoughts on writing #my fic #depression tw #in which lis has too many feelings and makes you read about them #about me #harry potter

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betwixtofficial · 3 years

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UNDERWING CHALLENGE DAY 3

Day 1 [X]

Day 2 [X]

Who is your main cast? Describe as many of your OCs as you can cram into one post.

Character Introduction- this is by no means the entirety of our cast, not even close.

Leith and I each developed our own characters over many many years and I'm going to do my best to bring Leith’s characters to life as accurately as possible and I promise to love (torture) them like they're my own.

Andi’s characters-

Xavier Alexander Maxwell- When it comes down to it, this is Xave's story. A small pale faerie-human halfling, with a painfully tragic beginning, looking for love and family in all the wrong places. Xavier has neon, glitter, and more sexual energy coursing through his veins than he knows what to do with. A faerie half he doesn’t always have control over, and between the Fae, the Zaccardas, and his own personal demons- all fighting for a chance to control him, it’s going to be a long dark journey. It’s not ONLY pain and dark. It's just MOSTLY pain and dark. ...you know, aside from all the glitter and neon.

Alexander- I wasn't planning on adding Alex to this, I am not sure how I didn't realize he was one of the main characters till now, but he shows up as often or even more often than any of the other characters besides Xave. Alex is Xavier's fae half. They are the very first human/faerie hybrid and though they aren't completely separate, there are some strong distinctions, and they communicate with each other, so they are separate enough for Alex to have his own blurb.

But really it's very difficult to tell where one of them begins and the other ends. They are the same being, They are both magic and mundane, they are both human and fae. Xave tends to lean more human, Alex tends to lean more faerie, they are both real. They do have somewhat distinct personalities, ... Xave is 2010 Bill Kaulitz (especially the blushy giggly interviews) and Alex is Adam Lambert in For Your Entertainment. In either case there is a lot of mascara involved. It's complicated.

Rivet Dragonrail- A grown up lost girl with dark olive skin and brown eyes, she has always tried to put her clouded origins behind her, but they never seem to stay put. With freakish abilities she’d rather not have, a pervasive drinking problem she scoffs at, and an unfortunate talent for violence in the service of those for whom she is unwillingly compelled to play the role of savior, it seems like she’s always walking a path hellbent on destruction. She feels the sins she has committed are ceaselessly breathing down her neck, requiring atonement she does not know how to provide. She would like nothing more than to stand in the eye of the raging storm of the lives lived and lost around her, screaming at the sheer horror of it all, giving a big middle finger to both heaven and hell alike. But what good, really, would that do? So she plods on- her best friends are the knife on her hip, the beer in her fridge, the damn raven-shifter who has adopted her out of morbid curiosity, the damn chicken she’s adopted out of sheer respect for his will to live.... and Jaq, her ride or die that she can’t figure out her feelings for, but it doesn’t fucking matter because that just ain’t happening. Jaq is as gay as it gets.

Ember Skye Arceneaux- He’s too good to be true. No, really. His smile is like sunshine poured into your soul. Golden surfer boy good looks with sunkissed golden surfer hair tucked behind his ears, but his golden tan isn’t from the beach or the salon, it’s just his skin. Kind-hearted and generous. Plays guitar and sings like an angel with a perfect soulful raspy voice... And he loves Jaq absolutely and unconditionally, whether Jaq deserves it or not... and he’s Canadian. His only flaw seems to be that he’s maybe a little too laid back?

Luca Zaccarda- Since childhood his exceptionally ambitious mother has pushed him to leadership. She grafted her way on to the powerful Zaccarda family tree by marrying a younger son with no ambition past his next perfectly kneaded loaf of ciabatta, and then did everything in her power to see her eldest child reach the heights of power for which she believed he was destined. There’s only one problem- Luca doesn’t share her cut-throat nature. Ambition, power, and the trappings of wealth have never been the driving factors in his life and he’s set his mind to changing the status quo, mama and her scheming be damned. Oh, he’s just as capable a leader as she believes him to be. He’s no plump baker happily whistling away his hours in the kitchen like his father.. and he’s planning on taking down his own corrupt family, one... by one... by one. ...also... Mafia Werewolves anybody!?!

Teodoro Zaccarda- oh Teo, Teo, Teo. The black sheep. The playboy prince. Constantly in the tabloids, constantly in trouble, needing bailed out of this situation or that. Coming home drunk, or high, or naked. The family embarrassment. He just wishes his family wouldn’t expect so much from him. Like, the bare minimum. That’s all they expect Teo. The bare minimum.

There are about 50 other Zaccardas. I have a family tree of them. Some are more important than others, but the two listed here show up far more often than any of the others.

Leith’s characters-

Wynter Primose Dean - The physical embodiment of anxiety, standing at 6ft 9, built like a brick house, with a heart of gold and a difficult stutter. He fell in love with the right person at the wrong time, felt heartache like he had never before and after an extremely traumatic breakup he discovered his true nature, under a full moon, alone and afraid in the middle of nowhere - a werewolf. With a love for nature and all things wild, he spends a lot of his time isolated out at his cabin, crafting beautiful wooden furniture and spending more time with trees than with the people he calls family.

Jaq Knox - Dealing with childhood trauma and serious mental illness that messes up his perceptions of reality, he rarely trusts people. For the few he has let in it’s a constant battle with communication and understanding, for both parties involved. He struggles to understand the absolutes of right and wrong; he does have a moral code but often, especially in the past, he’s just been a thoughtless asshole as it was easier that way, easier to keep people at a distance. Throughout his struggles with his mind, encounters with the law and various substances, he’s been pushing boundaries in the art world and is slowly learning how to be a better person, realizing that people actually do care about him and that maybe having a found-family isn’t so bad after all.

Eden Knox - He seems perfect, standing at 6ft tall with soft, pale blonde hair and clear skin, dressing in white and pastel colors, carrying an expensive purse and smelling like a walking Bath and Bodyworks. But as with everyone he has his demons, his just happens to have a name - Jonah. He was swept off his feet at the tender age of nineteen and carried off into a life that was a very far cry from his upbringing in a group foster home. But his perfect life with his handsome husband is nothing like what it appears from the outside, and life gets very dark before it begins to get light again.

Aspen Merrill - The younger of the Merrill brothers, he started a family at a young age with a woman he didn’t truly love - after a very amicable divorce they now co-parent their two children. He was lost for a very long time, wandering between jobs he didn’t really enjoy, women he didn’t really love, friends he didn’t really like, until he met Luca and he found his calling. He is Alfred to Luca’s Batman, from straightening ties before important meetings to organizing decoy cars to get Luca out of dangerous situations, he is extremely calm and collected and a haven of stability.

Jonah Merrill - The king of his own castle, the only person that matters in his world is himself, oh and sometimes his husband, when its convenient to him of course. Never one to shy away from threats or violence to achieve a goal, he’s not only unstoppable in his personal life but in business, using his many connections to overpower and intimidate anyone who gets in his way. Once he discovers magic and the power it can bear he’s even more unstoppable than before, and uses his husbands complete loyalty for his own very dark plans.

The cast is a pride rainbow flag. We’re all queer here. Well, except for Aspen, he might be one of the only completely cishet character in sight.

#underwing challenge #writeblr #betwixt

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the-dc-killjoy · 3 years

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4x12 - Old Souls

Wynonna Earp's over. I'll do pretty much anything to get another season, but shows (not that I think that this show could ever get to that point. id still love WE even if it turned into whatever Grey's Anatomy's doing rn) shouldn't overstay their welcome. If this is the end, than it was a damn fine ending!

The cute.

I've been watching Martina sing since I was 11 years old, and it still puts a smile on my face. Rachel was iconic as always, and I'm gonna miss the most recent addition to the Earp family. I can just imagine the chaos of her, her not really but kind of boyfriend, and Randy Nedley on a tiny boat in the middle of nowhere. Poor Nedley. Let's hope Chrissy remains the only one of his many daughter figures to catch mono.

Speaking of mononucleosis- that's such an awful transition that i'm keeping it, I believe that Wayhaught has officially christened the entire homestead. Bedroom, The Stairs, kitchen floor, barn- short of just going to pound town (i'm not getting any better with sex references tonight. am i) in a patch of grass outside, they've got everything covered. Or nothing covered if you know what i mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Am I getting better now?

The random.

Nedley walking Nicole down the isle, Wynonna walking Waverly down the isle, Doc being Waverly's best man, and Wynonna being Nicole's best friend (no she will not take a secondary title. best friend will go on her tombstone)- sigh, i'm so gay. i can't really explain what that has to do with these circumstances, but i am and this makes me happy. Rachel and Nedley (and Billy was there somewhere right?) being the only people in attendance made this the perfect pandemic wedding even though there wasn't actually a pandemic in Earp land. I was the living embodiment of the pleading face emoji when they panned over the chairs. Doll's chair hurt me. like deeply. like i'm still suffering. there aren't words. fuck, i miss him.

On a lighter note, Waverly said fuck (like eight times)!!! She technically said it already, but chainsmoking-angelic possession doesn't count, right?

I'm glad that Jeremy has this new thing with Damon, but I kinda wish things had worked out with him and Robin. He officiated a wedding, got promoted, and got a handsome date in one afternoon, so I can't be too sad about his adorable self.

Charlotte Sullivan, the jilted dress shop owner/witch, played one of the earliest (in my knowledge at least. this show was my brother's thing not mine) representation of a bi woman in Canadian media. I don't know too much about her Rookie Blue character, but if you can have tolerated the will-they-wont-they, end of the world romance of the main character's kinda mediocre relationships for a couple more seasons, I'm sure you'll find out! By the nature of Canada having 16.87 actors in total, I tend to see a lot of overlap, and I have to infodump about that somewhere. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The Earping callbacks! Wynonna's truck, her motorcycle, the bullet proof vest, Nedley and Nicole's father-daughter thing, Waverly never saying the f-word (and subverting that), i'm all in, even Rachel always being stuck with juice while the adults are drinking- perfect! We had a little bit of the usual supernatural insanity, but this episode was wall to wall fanservice, and it was perfectly in-character fanservice. That's the way to go! It didn't feel forced or awkward and the edited mailbox will make me tear up on rewatch

The relationship. (aka i wanna talk about wyndoc and had no outline when i started this thing)

The Wyndoc goodbye was beautiful. I'm not into the whole you need one person to complete you kinda thing, but the implication that it didn't have to be romantic (implying that Wynonna's person was Waverly) was great. I felt that the scene worked perfectly, and might have been fine leaving it there if there was another season clearly on the horizon. With the fact that this was the series finale (i sighed so hard typing that. my poor lungs), I'm glad that they got their own happy ending.

The analysis.

Nicole's and Wynonna's as individual characters mirror each other in so many ways, but I'm just gonna wax poetic about one: their relationship with the GRT. Wynonna was hurt by the town, badly. She grew up with a steady stream of shitty adults and a few who told her to shake the demons out of her head and embraced the tough love mantra. It made a lot of sense that she left as an adult. Waverly was most likely the only reason she didn't skip town before that.

Nicole had a negative integer of adult role models in her life, with the murdered aunt and uncle and the whatever-the-fuck her parents were trying to be. Sure, a little trip to the Ghost River Triangle left her with trauma that she spent a lifetime repressing, but what's a little surviving a massacre under the six year old girl bridge. Am I right?

In their early lives, these characters had nothing but negative experiences in the aptly named town of Purgatory. Wynonna was drawn back into town by Curtis' letter just in time for her 27th birthday, and Nedley applied for Nicole to start working as a cop. Neither of them directly chose to come back to the Ghost River Triangle, but both of them did have the final say.

Wynonna decided pretty early on that she was going to stay no matter what. She already abandoned her sister once. How could she do it again with all of these monsters lurking in the shadows. As time went on, her circle of people expanded, but Waverly has always been the person that fight through hell and high water for. Even when fighting wasn't necessary, when it hurt her much more than it helped anything, she did it anyways because it was the only thing she could do to protect her sister. Wynonna thought it was the only thing she could do at all. This entire season, she's been fighting a war with herself, and her leaving, Waverly telling her that it was okay to leave, was the first time that took a break, took a breath since she arrived in Purgatory on her 27th birthday. Her child and the man she loves are out in the world, but she will be back with them at her side. Maybe after a quick road trip, maybe after a few years, but she will be back.

Nicole spent a majority of season 1 and 2 feeling like an outsider. Season 3 came with the realization that these people were her family and the Ghost River Triangle was her home. Early season 4 kinda shat all over that, oops. The rest of this season has been her finding her footing again. Nicole was a wandering soul, but she voluntarily staked herself to the land, vowing to protect it and the people within its borders for the rest of her life without the ability to leave, and she doesn't regret it. Her wife, her family, her people are all in this one not-so-sleepy Canadian town.

Nicole found her place, after a lifetime of searching, and Wynonna left, temporarily, after a lifetime of feeling trapped. They might seem like opposites, but both women call the same place home.

Originally, I watched this show was to cope with the ending of Agents of SHIELD (which I kind of used to cope with the ending of Killjoys, which featured Emily Andras as a writer in season 1 and has near identical humor, found family, and a healthy serving of gay and wow this is turning into a bit of advertisement isn't it), but it wormed its way into my heart. I've never quite seen a show like this. Never seemed interested in a western, even a sci-fi western. Never saw the gay couple reach OTP status both in fandom and canon. I've never seen so many fan conventions dedicated to just one show. I usually stay for just one character (and Wynonna has become one of my all time favorite characters), but I find myself connecting with so many of the beautiful people being brought to life on my screen. Wynonna, Waverly, Nicole, Rachel, Dolls, Jeremy, Doc, Nedley and so many other hilarious and heartbreaking characters make this show, and every single human who played a part in this self-proclaimed shitshow deserves a round of applause and a swig of whiskey.

The end.

#wynonna earp #wynonna earp spoilers #wynonna earp season 4 spoilers #wearp meta #wyn #waverly earp #nicole haught #doc holliday #rachel valdez #jeremy chetri #randy nedley #my thoughts #i'll add screen caps in the morning #goodbye my beautiful fuck ups #guess i have to combine my emily andras and michelle lovretta obsessions into watching lost girl #im sad tonight #satisfied with this ending #but still damn sad

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ts-unpopular-opinions · 4 years

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Side Track Opinions part 5: Roman

(I’ve been saving Roman for a while now and I am PUMPED! So here’s a late birthday present to our royal lad ❤️ It’s also super nice to save the creativitwins for last because both of their playlists reference each other quite a bit 👌)

1) A Gay Disney Prince: I mean... are any of us surprised? This song is basically Roman’s anthem, so it was bound to be on his playlist. I do find it interesting that both Roman and Remus are the only sides with songs made by Thomas on their playlists. I guess it goes to show that having a big ego runs in the creative family 😂

2) Wonderboy: Only two songs in and we already have a song about Remus, or “young Nastyman, archrival and nemesis of Wonderboy” in this case. You’ll start to get the idea from Roman’s playlist that he really misses being with his bro. This song portrays Roman as almost a perfect and untouchable force. He is seperated from all of his nasty thoughts and is the perfect embodiment of what Thomas sees creativity as (“High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds, There sits Wonderboy, sitting oh so proudly. Not much to say when you're high above the mucky-muck.”). I like to imagine that the singer of the song is Thomas, looking to Roman for comfort. Creativity most likely split as a way for Thomas to, not very healthily, cope with his intrusive thoughts (“Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power? Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?”). It’s also interesting to note that at the end of the song, Roman and Remus seemingly join forces very successfully (“Well, Wonderboy and Young Nastyman joined forces; they formed a band the likes of which have never been seen”). Perhaps this is hinting at either Romans want to have his bother back, or possibly foreshadowing to their relationship dynamic in the future. I know I’d love to see Roman and Remus team up together in future episodes, maybe even against Patton and Janus in the next episode?

3) Disney Princess: This song is all about Roman dreaming about being in the lives of different disney princesses. Honestly it’s not super deep, but it does show just how much Roman loves to fantasize about escaping reality and living in his ideal dream world. He wishes his life were more interesting and exciting like what you would see in a movie. Also, Roman is SO desperate for someone to love him... poor guy (“I'd be a handsome man's wife And we'd kiss and we'd kiss And we'd kiss”).

4) Broadway, Here I Come!: (tw suicide) So this song is... interesting. It can be interpreted in two different ways: one being a song about how making it on broadway is a huge leap and very difficult, and another about a person literally jumping off of a building and commiting suicide. I always think of Logic vs Passion during this song because while Roman believes he is acchieving his dreams and is willing to take risks, Logan just believes he’s setting himself up for failure. I think Logan’s view on Thomas’ life and career choice is very hard on Roman and, by the topic of the song, affects him greatly (“The people all are pointing. I bet they'd never guess, That the saint that they're anointing Is frightened of the mess”). He doesn’t know if Thomas will succeed and that makes him doubt himself and causes his work to suffer (“The pressure it increases, The closer that I get” “And the last thing I hear. As the impact grows near, Is it a scream or a cheer?”).

5) Hallelujah: This song, like the one before it, shows a lot of Roman’s insecurities. Roman has a set plan for Thomas in life, but he constantly doubts it and himself due to the comments he gets from other sides (“Somedays I don't think my mama Thinks I'm good enough to be a superstar” “Somedays I don't think my daddy Thinks I'm good enough to be a superstar”). I don’t know specifically which sides he could be talking about in these two lines, but Logan is definately one of them. I like to think he could also be talking about Patton. I mean Roman probably worries constantly about being too much like Remus and disappointing Patton. Roman probably literally thinks that Patton doesnt think hes GOOD enough. Despite all of this self doubt, Roman still seems determined to reach his dreams and prove the others wrong (“But one day I will show him I'm a diamond in the rough, I'll be a superstar” “Yeah, there's a crown covered in glitter and gold I'm gonna wear it, whether you like it or not”).

6) Holding Out for a Hero: This song is from Thomas’ perspective! Thomas DOES see Roman as his hero despite what Janus’ not at the end of the most recent episode may have you believe. Roman acts as Thomas’ protection from all of his darker and more disturbing thoughts. Thomas uses Roman, a picture perfect image of creativity to help him escape from all the bad things in life and in his head (“Where have all the good men gone And where are all the gods? Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and I turn And I dream of what I need”). Thomas literally created Roman to be a perfect knight in shining armor. The singer in the song shows this by listing off everything that they believe a hero needs to be/have, Similar to what Thomas would have done in the creation of Roman.

7) If I Dare: I’m conflicted about what this song could mean. At first glance it seems to be about Roman willing to do anything in order to get more creative control over Thomas (“If I dare to risk it, then I know that I'm willing to. If I dare to want this, to want more than I have” “I am holding out for more than what I have now”). Roman really wants to be trusted more and would seemingly take huge risks in order to get that. The part that throws me off is this line: “When the room gets dark, and I am quiet. There's a voice that's soft, like someone's silhouette Saying, "Don't let me go yet"”. To me, this sounds like its about Remus. Possibly Remus begging Roman to not get rid of him and to remain as one. What confuses me is that the line felt so out of place with the rest of the songs meaning. I’m not sure what to do with that information, but if anyone has ideas, let me know.

8) Go the Distance: Roman is so patient... and so unrealistically hopeful... He continues to lay down and let the other sides get their ways because he believes that the wait will be worth it when he finally gets his say (“I'll be there someday, I can go the distance” “I know every mile would be worth my while” “And a thousand years would be worth the wait. It might take a lifetime but somehow I'll see it through”). Despite how many times hes been ignored and let down, he continues to hope that his chance may come one day. Theres also this line: “But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part. For a hero's strength is measured by his heart, oh” which makes me think big time of SvS. He gave up his glory in favor of what Patton wanted because he thinks that it was the more heroic thing to do.

9) Flamboyant: The title really says it all. Roman is extra™️ and he knows that all of the other sides think so too (“I'm a very flaming flammable guy. Some say my fire burns way too high. Some say they find me too hot to touch. But I, I think it's not enough”). I also think its important to note that this song feels a bit out if place with the canon Roman that we know. From what we’ve seen of Roman, he holds back a lot. He denies a great deal of his greed and wants in order to make the others happy and fill in his “hero” persona. This song portrays Roman as having no restraint and not wanting the others to boss him around (“Don't tell me what to do, Don't tell me what to say” “Turn down? I never do” “And no time for restraint”). I’d love to see more of this assertive side of Roman in canon, but right now you can tell that he is holding back. He wishes he didn’t have to, but he feels as though it is necessary to distance himself from Remus.

10) Jumpstarted: Let me set the scene. Thomas is just out an about enjoying his day, he holds open the starbucks door for the guy behind him and... omg... he’s hot... he’s the love of your life Thomas! Roman the proceeds to fanticize about marrying and starting a family with this one random guy that they’ve never talked to nor seen before (“The only one I want is you. I hear the bells and the ring and already, Four kids and the big ol' wedding Singing, You” “And how was I to make a long walk home. You got me feeling like I'm overdosed”). This whole song is just Roman singing about his head-over heals love for a guy in Thomas’ head while Thomas has to act normal and even warns the dude to run away while he has the chance (“Take my advice and run while you still can”). Roman’s quite a hopeless romantic.

11) Brave New Girl: Remember how I said Roman has been holding back and trying to be more polite in order to make himself less like Remus? Well this song is the opposite of that. This is what Roman wants. Roman wants to let lose and be his wildest self again (“She wants a good time” “She needs to really really find what she wants” “There's a brave new girl And she's comin' out tonight” “Who knew she could feel so alive” “Won't take a back seat”). I like to imagine this song taking place after the events of POF. I mean if the others are just going to accept that Janus is good now, then does that mean Remus is good too? If that the case, then what was the point of him and Remus splitting in the first place? This song makes me think that Roman and Remus could team up together in either the next episode, or future episodes to come. Roman is lost and doesn’t really know why he is who he is anymore, so he seeks out Remus, the only one who really understands what he’s going through (“So she met this man, He was kinda rough. He said, girl, what you lookin' for? She said, I don't know I go with the flow. He said, let's get on the floor”). The man in this song could also be Janus I suppose. He does compliment the singer and flatter her, but after the events of the last episode, I find it hard to believe that Roman would be willing to fall for Janus’ flattery again.

12) Every Boy: Roman wants to kiss every boy in the world... and it’s never enough. That is all.

13) Primadonna: What a bop! This song is honestly so good! Again with Roman’s songs making him out to be a lot greedier and wild than he actually has acted in canon (“You can count on me to misbehave”). This song is what I imagine Roman would act like if he had nothing to worry about other than being himself. Roman wants a lot of things and he wants everyone to adore him for the beautiful prince he is (“All I ever wanted was the world” “I can't help that I need it all” “When you give, I want more, more, more” “I wanna be adored” “I know I've got a big ego”).

14) King: You can already tell by the name what this song is about. I’m honestly shocked how obvious it is. At this point we don’t know who made the decision for creativity to split, but this song and a couple of others in the playlist seem to suggest that it was the Roman part of original creativity who decided to push Remus out. He felt as though it was the only way to successfully move forward (“I had to break myself to carry on”). The others sides (I’d like to imagine Patton) tried to convince Creativity to split and despite his not wanting to. His decision to split seemed like it was a very hard one to make and left a lot of pain in its wake (“They say it's easy to leave you behind. I don't want to try” “Is it worth the price?”). Original creativity felt powerful and strong when he was whole, so of course he didn’t want to split (“I was a king under your control”). The song seems to suggest that he tried to repress his ‘Remus’ thoughts in order to remain whole and not lose a part of himself, but this could only work for so long (“Don't wanna have to lose All that I've compromised to feel another high. I've got to keep it down tonight”). In the end, the Roman side of creativity finally won out and both Roman and Remus decided to let each other go (“I wanna feel like you've let me go, So let me go”).

15) Cheap Queen: This song really shows Roman’s struggle with his identity. He’s so quick to change for others in order to be accepted by them (“I can be good sometimes. I'm a cheap queen. I can be a what you like. And I can be bad sometimes. I'm a real queen. I can make grown men cry” “I'm gettin' too cocky since everyone wants me, It's harder to be myself”). This convices me that the way that he’s been acting in the last few episodes (not insulting anyone, very opposed to Janus) is soley him trying to prove that he is good and nothing like Remus. He’s been hiding his true self which we see a lot of in episodes before Remus was introduced. Roman doesn’t want to disappoint Patton in fear of Patton wanting him to split again.

16) Humility: ANOTHER song about Remus. This song is really interesting. It shows us that Roman is VERY confused about his opinion on Remus. He’s lonely and feels incomplete without Remus, He NEEDS Remus back (“I need you in the picture That's why I'm calling you” “I'm the lonely twin, the left hand” “I don't want this isolation” “See the state I'm in now?”). Right after Roman has these thoughts and feelings though, he instantly tries to block them out and retrain the idea that Remus is bad (“Reset myself and get back on track”). He wants Remus back so badly and feels some sort of remorse for kicking him out, but then he ignores those emotions and acts like he hates Remus another moment (“If I pick it up when I know that it's broken Do I put it back? Or do I head out onto the lonesome trail And let you down?”).

17) Aint Got it Like That: Roman is greedy and wants a lot of things, we’ve established this. Most of this song is about how Roman wants more than what he has now, but he still believes it will come if he just waits long enough (“'Cause I ain't really got it like that And one day Imma have it like that And I know that it can't stay this way And one day Imma finally get paid”).

18) Dreamer: I’m not sure whose perspective this song is from, but this feels like a comfort song to Roman. We know that he has a lot of insecurities and struggles to create things because he worries that his ideas won’t be good enough or will be too much like Remus’ ideas. But this song goes completely against that mindset. It’s what Roman wants to hear: “Dream little dreamer, Don't care what they say” “You can do anything” “Dream like you won't fail. Sing like no one's there. Dance like you don't care. Dream.” “Don't fear little dreamer, You'll get there one day” “And I know that it's scary, But you'll succeed” “You're exeptional, You're original” “You're magnificent, You're sensational”.

19) Paving the Runway: This feels like a song from Roman to Thomas and gosh it just feels so loving and sweet... Roman has such big dreams for Thomas and he has so much faith in him (“Cause I know that one day you're gonna fly”). He encourages Thomas to go for his dreams and excel, something that he is hardly told himself (“Go after your dreams, Crazy as they may seem. Go chase all the stars in the sky” “You will reach higher than I ever could”). Roman does everythig he can to set Thomas up for success and to help him reach his dreams (“Darling, stand on my shoulders” “Baby, I'll be paving the runway”).

20) Go.: Again, I’m not sure who the singer of this song is, but I can tell its exactly what Roman wants/needs to hear. Roman is very clearly holding back due to his fear of becoming too much like Remus and that is making it very hard to do his job (“The fear within Has held you hostage. Break free and live. GO.”). This is a good song to be Roman’s last song because I think it helps to show us where Roman’s character is going in the future. He is going to let lose and relax eventually. Perhaps this will lead to him creating the better relationship with Remus that he’s been hoping for throughout this whole playlist. I predict that next episode, well start to see some of this newer, less refrained creativity from Roman.

(And that’s that! If you can tell that theres some tension between Roman and Remus from this playlist, just you wait for Remus’! As usual, let me know what you thought of this ❤️ Love you guys!)

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #ts sanders sides #ts roman #roman sanders #ts playlists #ts side tracks #side tracks #ts sidetracks #roman playlist #ts remus #remus sanders #creativitwins #long post

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