#i did fucked up things as a result of coping with trauma and alienation as a teenager but this is actually low?

[gothcarmelasoprano]

maw why are these troll accounts linked through my ex best friends STILL following me

#im highly convinced at this stage she was the one that made the fake accounts #the gas thing is is that she was mainly an online friend and had she kept in touch with me at the time she wouldve known i was in the #studio in college preparing for my assignment for the semester so i dont fail like there were specific requirements we had to get done for #that week... and you think i would have that time to make fake accounts if anything itd be you and your online friends #emphasis on online because you could hardly make friends or even get a job here so you got one back home #the saddest thing is that the memes can be funny but its just what they represent in this whole situation that sours it completely #dont get me started on her friend she is honestly so polarising even from an outsider's perspective #ugh it doesnt annoy me anymore as it did because at the end of the day it has nothing to do with me but the fact that theyre STILL going on #about it makes me think that her and her online buddies have nothing else to do apart from being with themselves constantly #i had that life but no way did i want to live that way in my 20s 💀 #i fucked up before that incident but isnt it convenient when we hardly spoke for a month just for the ~fake account~ to appear to stop #being friends like as awful as it sounds but itd actually be a lot easier just to say you dont want to be friends #instead of dragging outsiders into it like you do best #the saddest thing is that she was actually quite fake even before she went down a permanent online rabbit hole #and i was aware of it but because i was emotionally vulnerable at the time i never cut her off since i really wanted friends to talk to #play that cool girl alty idgaf attitude all you like but it doesn't change the fact that you're superficial no matter how much you mask it #ugh im hormonal and i cant sleep but at the same time its nice to be able to freely bc not as many people use tumblr anymore #i block those accounts not because im offended or im precious about my image but they do spam and its annoying af so i dont want that tbh #having pictures with a school friend whilst under the same breath making jokes of their dead brother is not a good look 😬 #i did fucked up things as a result of coping with trauma and alienation as a teenager but this is actually low? #im sorry but it does it screams fake and im pretty sure that the fake treatment was given to me when we first became friends #fake people rarely ever change #i have to get ready for work in an hour this was unexpected #might vent later because i feel like i can do anything on this godforsaken website #the shocking thing to them is that they nothing on me if anything the 'proof' she showed me almost exposed her and her crowd #i have deleted my fb account but i still have the screenshots somewhere

[dangermousie]

CFC Chapter 68

Will I ever shut up about this novel? Nope.

I was right - XQC slotted him into “unpleasant duty I have no choice about so I will do it with a minimum of fuss and as efficiently as possible.” Locking away his feelings and disassociating from emotions (whether it’s trauma, dislike and disgust or more positive ones) is how he copes. It takes a lot for him to open even a small corner of his heart and prior to the club he did open it to HY and after the library was prepared to open more but now it’s slammed shut. XQC is an old hand at bearing the unbearable and continuing through no matter what it costs him by severing any feeling, so this is just more of the same.

HY became the ex-wife only worse because XQC was polite with her and felt an obligation to her.

And so much of this chapter is HY realizing it and hating it and not knowing why. Because he’s getting plenty of sex, which he deluded himself into believing is all he wants from XQC. It’s like the WeChat thing where he can hack and add himself and get himself unbanned from XQC ban list but he doesn’t want to because that is not the point.

What He Yu really wants, much more than any orgasms he can get (though he’s a physically healthy young man so he obviously likes sex) is to return to the past - we see it in later chapters where he wants XQC to be his personal doctor again - but we see it here. What he really wants is for XQC to care for him again and to return to the past but he’s made it impossible. The more I think about it, the more I think that HY’s wilful inability to understand that after what transpired in the club and blackmail is not a result of his inability to understand what makes people tick but desperate, life-saving denial of what he very well knows - he can’t bear to process that he will never have what he wants or even what he used to have and it’s his own doing.

In other news, XQC’s health is beginning to freak me out - he’s getting thinner, he’s coughing a lot, his vision is going. The man is only 32, none of this should be happening. Please don’t give him lung cancer or some disease from evil org or whatever, Meatbun.

I love the hot water thing btw - it’s so indicative of the two of them. XQC wanting it to help his cough but once he realizes there is none in the thermos, he just gives up because self-care is so alien to him and this was the most he was capable of. XQC, like a medieval saint, has disassociated from his body at best and is into mortifying the flesh at worst. And He Yu, noticing because he always notices everything about XQC (except ironically the biggest, most obvious thing that XQC loathes him - but that is because he can’t bear to, even as XQC tells him plain text. He needs to delude himself) and bringing him hot water wordlessly. Under all the fucked up vile stuff, there is still the remnants of He Yu who wanted to be liked, who wanted to be normal, who wants to care and be cared for. Under very different circumstances, he would have been a very good partner.

The utter void of emotion except for cold dislike is so obvious and He Yu’s refusal to understand it is so wilful.

The plot thickens. Why IS XQC researching like he’s racing against time and what is he researching? Also, He Yu under the influence of the videos thinks XQC doesn’t like medicine but it’s clear that this was one of many lies in the video - whatever he wanted to be as a kid, he genuinely did enjoy being a doctor.

And the “I like money” - such a lie. He lives like a pauper and doesn’t spend anything on himself. I do wonder where his former giant salary went. Hmmm.

Oh, He Yu. He’d have to care to lose his temper. And he’s utterly stopped.

It’s official. He Yu is an equivalent of those tween girls who write the name of their crush in notebooks and doodle hearts all over them.

Iiiiinteresting. It’s clear XQC is still not enjoying himself in bed. Or is it? What does forcing XQC’s acknowledgment even mean? It can’t be that XQC get a lot of pleasure/loses control or he’d call it off. Is it some sort of getting his exhausted? What?

I am also amused that XQC agreed to sex because based on his own lack of drive he thought it would be an infrequent occurrence and not take too much time and he’s all ugh wrong calculation why does he want it all the time and goes looking up how much young men want it and is horrified at the frequency.

He Yu wants XQC to care, he wants XQC’s reaction, but how can he obtain it when the only way XQC can go forward is to feel nothing, when he’s given up on He Yu utterly? He would never get angry on his own behalf because he doesn’t care about himself one way or another - this is protective mechanism. Before, he got angry on HY’s behalf - because he had hopes and expectations for him. But now he has none.

Harsh but so earned and I love it. You can feel XQC’s loathing roll off the page.

And then He Yu calls him at 2am to show him his dick on camera. OMG he is such an idiot. Even HY realizes XQC has zero interest in sex with him and feels nothing but indifference. Why do you think he would want to see your dick at 2am? It’s part his instinctive denial of true state of affairs because he can’t bear it, and part teen boy idiocy.

And then when XQC does finally get annoyed, it’s so telling that HY feels relieved, even if they didn’t have phone sex or anything and even if XQC literally turned the phone upside down and left. Because what he craves is not physical release, not primarily, but care and closeness.

Oh, He Yu!

#cnovel #meatbun doesn't eat meat #case file compendium

[destieltropecollection]

Destiel Trope Collection 2020 Day 10: Enemies to Lovers

It's a Match! | @suckerfordeansfreckles

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 2015 Main Tags/Warnings: pining, online dating, getting together Summary: Dean has seen the guy a handful of times, mostly at Charlie’s parties or when out and about with her — it’s only been six times that Dean is aware of, actually. Not that he counted. Well. He did, maybe, count a little. But that’s only because the guy is seriously gorgeous, and also seems to seriously hate Dean. Like, frowns and dark stares and leaving the room when Dean enters it. And that is most definitely the only reason why Dean keeps track of their meetings. It has nothing to do with the fact that, for whatever stupid reason, Dean feels all fuzzy and happy and warm around this stupid, scruffy, handsome, dark-haired and blue-eyed Cas-guy. Something about him just… does things to Dean’s head.

In The Ballroom | @gii-heylittleangel

Rating: General Word Count: 2594 Main Tags/Warnings: lovers to enemies to lovers, broken relationship, getting back together, false mentions of cheating Summary: The high school dance was useless in Castiel's opinion; there was nothing to do, people were incredibly annoying, and he would be alone. But, having Charlie Bradbury as his best friend, he had no choice but to go; after all, there was a tiny chance he would get tacos after the party. Castiel did not get tacos but he got something a lot better.

Ring a Bell for the Righteous Man | @pray4jensen

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3003 Main Tags/Warnings: Enemies to Lovers, Royalty/Fantasy AU, Soul Bond, Marriage, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dubious Consent Summary: An hour passes and the prince doesn't bed him. Dean thinks that maybe the prince doesn't have any intention of doing it at all, and if that's the case, it'll be Dean who'll face the consequences. So, thumbing a finger down the length of Cas' wings, Dean taunts, ""I thought you promised Lord Alastair that I wouldn't be able to walk, your highness."" Dean pauses. ""Are you doubting yourself, my lord?""

Addicted | @verobatto-angelxhunter

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3671 Main Tags/Warnings: Season 4/5 canon divergent, Destiel, slow burn, Badass! Castiel, first kiss, first time, explicit sexual content, canon typical violence. Summary: Dean can't get Castiel out of his mind. Everytime the angel is in front of him, is hypnotizing. He needs to know what is going on with him. Why Castiel is so irresistible? And why he feels that empty everytime the angel isn't near him.

the light of falling stars | @procasdeanating

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 4980 Main Tags/Warnings: Alien!Cas, wing fic, inspired by a movie (enemy mine) Summary: … when Lieutenant Dean Winchester and the two ships under his command engaged in combat with a Seraph squadron. Two army ships were destroyed, while one fighter, presumably Lt. Winchester’s, made a forced landing on a nearby uninhabited class D planet after triggering the emergency protocol. The ongoing search has not produced conclusive results. Lt. Winchester is classified as missing in action…

First Impressions | @suckerfordeansfreckles

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 7254 Main Tags/Warnings: hospital AU, ftm trans Cas, top surgery, mentions of medical stuff, sharing a room Summary: When Cas wakes for the first time after his surgery, there’s sunlight tentatively streaming through the window to his right. It takes him a while of uncoordinated blinking and thinking until he realizes where he is, why he’s here. And then the giddiness comes, sudden and overwhelming, when he looks down at his chest and there is none. The reality is almost too much to grasp and his hands shake a little when he tries to raise them to touch. He's happy, and giddy, and so thankful. And then a nurse wheels in his new roommate, one very obnoxious and flirty Mr. Winchester. Cas just... cannot wait to watch all of this play out.

The Galaxy's Most Wanted | @saltnhalo

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 10160 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Space Pirates, Enemies to Lovers, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Angry Sex, Sexual Tension Summary: Dean had been the one always up to mischief, running around with his father’s broken laser pistol and constantly getting into places he shouldn’t have been. Sam, in comparison, always seemed to be the smart, studious one – until he reprogrammed the AI in their neighbours’ house to play ‘Happy Birthday’ at the loudest possible volume while keeping all the doors and windows firmly locked. It had taken two experts seven hours to undo the coding that Sam had managed to integrate into the house’s programming. So, yes. They had been exceptional even from the beginning. And when John Winchester crossed one too many people, his sons inherited his beloved ship, and took to the cosmos doing what they knew best: stealing. And they were damn good at it too. Almost unrivalled, across their own galaxy and even those neighbouring. Almost.

Love Thy Enemy | @gii-heylittleangel

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 11887 Main Tags/Warnings: revenge planning, use of guns, major characters injury Summary: After being betrayed by the Men of Letters, Dean makes the most stupid, idiotic, and best decision of his life: ask Castiel Novak, his long time enemy, for help.

The Quest for the Demon King's Heart | @cr-noble-writes

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 12500 Main Tags/Warnings: fantasy au, demon king!dean, wood elf!cas, enemies to lovers, mutual pining, minor character death, major character injury, angry sex, angst with a happy ending Summary: In a fantasy land, Dean, the Demon King, goes to a distant guild to take a break from evil, where he meets a young adventurer, Castiel, on a quest to slay the Demon King. For fun, Dean helps and protects the adventurer, and affection grows between them. Then, they arrive at the gates of his castle.

A Virgin to Redeem the Billionaire | @notfunnydean

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 16660 Main Tags/Warnings: Manipulation, Emotional Manipulation, blackmailing someone into a relationship, Mentions of drug selling (not Destiel), Mentions of cheating (not Destiel), virgin!cas Summary: When Castiel meets Dean Winchester, the other man seems to be a real asshole. So it doesn’t surprise him, when Dean shows up again and this time blackmails Castiel in a horrible way. Castiel agrees to be his boyfriend, only to protect his family, but along the way he actually falls for Dean.

The Bakery | @dates-with-cas

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 41075 Main Tags/Warnings: angst with a happy ending, offscreen character death, enemies to lovers, workplace sex, semi-public sex, attempted rape/non-con, mentions of past sexual abuse, alcohol as a coping mechanism, sex as a coping mechanism, sex in a kitchen, unresolved past trauma, top!Cas, bottom!Dean Summary: Dean Winchester loves his job, and he's thrilled to have his boss' brother coming in to work over the holidays, that is until he meets Castiel Novak for himself. The man is picky, grouchy, and absolutely fucking gorgeous.

The Path Between the Stars | zaphodsgirl (AO3)

Rating: Mature Word Count: 53111 Main Tags/Warnings: AU - Labyrinth Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Minor Character Death Summary: It's been almost fifteen years since Dean met the enigmatic goblin king, Castiel. After failing to complete the labyrinth with Sam to save baby Adam, Dean is forced to make a deal to secure their freedom. Five years ago he finally gave in to the feelings he’d been keeping at bay for some time, only for Castiel to disappear from his life completely without a word. When Dean relays the story of the labyrinth to Sam's girlfriend Eileen, an opportunity presents itself for him to get some answers...and maybe have a second chance at something he hadn't dared to believe was real.

Of Twists and Turns | @kitmistry

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 75080 Main Tags/Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Pirate AU, Implied Drug Use, Minor Character Death, Amputation, Sea Monsters, Hunter Dean Summary: When naval surgeon Castiel Novak is captured by the Black Impala pirates, he has no choice but to agree to their terms: He is to serve on their ship for a whole year before they release him. That doesn’t mean he is going to like it, though. Especially when their captain is the embodiment of everything Castiel despises. Determined to earn his freedom, Castiel settles into the life of an outlaw. When the pirates’ true goal is revealed, though, he can no longer deny that things are not as black and white as he thought they were. And he can’t deny how drawn he is to Captain Winchester either.

Sovereign | @pomegranatedaffodil

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 87974 Main Tags/Warnings: Arranged Marriage, Hate to Love, Fantasy AU, Royalty AU, Virgin Castiel, Switching, Slow Burn, Minor Injuries Summary: When his brother embarks on a risky venture, Prince Dean of Pellia’s only choice is to enter into a marriage with the king of Arxelle in order to save Sam’s life as well as his own. King Castiel is severe, aloof, and no more happy about their hasty wedding than Dean. Marital bliss is the last state either of them expects to reach, but as Dean spends more time in his new home, he and Castiel slowly begin to settle into a partnership that allows them to put the needs of their kingdom before their own feelings. The longer they spend together, though, the more those feelings develop, daring them both to wonder if they might ever be husbands in more than just name.

Shot Through The Heart | @peanutbutterjelly-pie

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 156327 Main Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe, Men of Letters, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Humor, Case Fic, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Bottom Dean Summary: As a hunter Dean finds himself more often than not relying on the help of the Men of Letters. Most of the time that's not much of a problem - if it wasn't for Castiel, the smartass bookworm with the piercing blue eyes, the messy hair and the rude attitude. He's been an annoying thorn in Dean's side since day one - and the hunter doesn't see that change anytime soon.

#destiel trope collection 2020 #destiel trope collection #destiel #enemies to lovers #day 10

[space-malex]

am I the only person who thinks considering Michael just saw his mother and all his peopled burned in a fiery inferno that maybe? he should get his shit figured out and process it before he dates anyone? the trauma is so bad I can't even ship him with anyone until I see some improvement. idc who it Is like it just seems unhealthy at this point.

Oh, I can definitely still ship him, I mean he’s obviously meant to be with Alex and it’s rare I love a couple this deeply, so yeah I’m not gonna just stop shipping malex bc Michael has problems. But — shipping does not equal thinking a relationship is the right thing for a character at this point in their narrative. It’s not the same, and I can categorically say that Michael should not be in a relationship right now. He is really fucked up, he’s deeply traumatized, he’s got substance issues, and he is ignoring or avoiding facing what he’s going through instead of processing and finding a healthy way to move forward. He’s running from aliens, Alex, and trauma, and he’s clinging to what he perceives as “a normal life”, at least on a surface level. And it is not going to do anything good for him. Or really anyone else he’s associated with. Everyone has their coping mechanisms, and sometimes they aren’t in the healthiest of ways. Like how Alex tends to cope by shutting down and pulling away. We see that it has consequences for him and causes problems in his relationship with Michael. Michael being defensive and prickly with Alex results in problems too (like making it easier for Alex to rationalize walking away).

I think what makes it difficult in discussing Michael is the fact that he is linked to two different ships and it’s very difficult to talk about him or his potential s2 arc stuff without mentioning those relationships. But then talking about the relationships can also cause problems because people get very passionate about it and can feel insulted when you try to realistically discuss where Michael’s head is at right now. And this is true on both sides. It’s hard to discuss ships dispassionately, that’s for sure. 😂

When I say things about what I think Michael is going through or why he did what he did, I’m not saying it to offend anyone or insult Maria, I’m just acknowledging that he’s a complete mess right now and I don’t think that’s going to magically disappear come season 2, nor would I want it to. It wouldn’t be realistic for Michael to magically be healed by a relationship. He’s not healthy, so any relationship he is in right now wouldn’t be either. Including with Alex, in case I didn’t make that clear before. He needs to heal first, on his own, and then he can have a healthy relationship with someone.

#anon #shut up kelli #michael guerin #roswell new mexico #meta #kinda?

[lionheartslowstart]

A Good Look in the Mirror

This is going to be a tough one. I haven’t spoken much about my relationship with “Kevin,” or perhaps, more accurately, the ending of that relationship, because I want to respect his privacy, and I haven’t wanted to risk painting him in a bad light. But I’m going to talk about it today because these past several weeks have shown me some things I needed to see.

Most people don’t actually know how fucked up I am, and I prefer it that way. Part of the reason it’s easier for me to hide that part of myself is because my trauma comes out the most with romantic partners. This means that whoever happens to be dating me bears the brunt of my issues.

I’ve often spoken about phases of recovery that traumatized people must go through in order to reintegrate fully into society. The last time I spoke about this, I only mentioned two phases. The first is learning to stand up for yourself and not taking anyone’s bullshit. This, in my opinion, is the point at which most traumatized people usually stop. The second phase is realizing that not everyone is trying to attack you and sometimes you might actually be the asshole. I feel that this is, unfortunately, something a lot of traumatized people don’t realize, or don’t want to realize, and they often continue to alienate themselves while blaming everyone else. But I’ve recently become aware of a third phase, which is a direct result of the second phase, though perhaps even more crucial to healing. And the third phase is this: Realizing that the behaviors you developed to protect yourself and cope with the abusive treatment that triggered them does not translate to people who aren’t abusing you. In other words, the behaviors and reactions that come with trauma were valid in terms of being victimized. They were a direct response to chronic maltreatment and damage. However, once you are no longer being abused, when these behaviors become reactions to non-abusive situations, you are no longer the victim. You’re the perpetrator.

This is something that has been difficult for me to recognize in myself. I often tried to wave these thoughts off by telling myself that I’m just fucked up, that people need to be patient with me, that these neural pathways take a long time to undo. And that’s all true, but none of it changes the fact that I was hurting someone I care about very much - Kevin. And while I do think people should be more patient and understanding when it comes to mental illnesses and their various symptoms, I also need to step up and take responsibility for my own actions. I’m not dating “Shawn” anymore. I’m not in the same situation I was in when I was a child. So why I am still acting like I am? Like I said, these patterns take a long time to undo, but it’s up to me to do that work. No one can do it for me. I can, and should, expect empathy and consideration while still working on tempering my reactions to situations that trigger my trauma brain. But by that same token, if I’m not putting in the work, it’s not fair of me to expect others to show me empathy or consideration.

I wish I could say I came to this realization on my own, but I didn’t. It took experiencing these behaviors myself to fully understand what I was putting Kevin through. Up until very recently, I had someone in my life who struggled with similar issues to my own. I did my best to be understanding and patient, as I can empathize with many of their symptoms, but at a certain point, it just became too much.

Rather than spend several hours writing about everything this person ever did in excruciating detail, I will attempt to summarize. 

This person would blow up my phone and get upset when I didn’t answer right away. Even worse, this person would continue to blow up my phone even if I told them I was not available to talk. And even worse still, this person would get angry at me for not responding, even if I had already said I was not available to talk. This person was very disrespectful regarding my time with others. They made it clear to me through action that they regarded my time either spent with them, or even just talking to them via phone or text, as far more important than any time I spent with others. A good example of this is the aforementioned texting. And while me being unavailable to talk certainly doesn’t always mean I’m with other friends, there were many times I was with other friends, times this person either already knew I was with other friends, or I told them I was with other friends, and they would continue to text and call me anyway. This was especially upsetting due to the fact that they used to get extremely agitated if I was ever on my phone while I was with them. 

This person would constantly attempt to push their desired outcome through without any regard for my feelings on the matter, frequently asking me pressured questions during arguments that I wasn’t prepared to answer, trying to push me for information I didn’t know or wasn’t prepared to give, trying to force me to continue a conversation I didn’t have the energy for, etc. My boundaries were frequently bulldozed over.

These were all things that I subjected Kevin to over the course of our relationship.

(I’d like to add, there were many other things this person is guilty of, but I don’t feel it necessary to delve into them, as the subject of this entry is about my own realizations to the similarities between this person’s behaviors and my own behaviors, and not the general wrongdoings of this specific person.)

Knowing from the beginning of the friendship that these were patterns I was all too familiar with is what enabled me to be at least somewhat understanding with this person in the first place. But it took me a long time to make the more specific connection to Kevin. I think in the beginning I viewed them more as symptoms that affected the individual, and in the end I viewed them more as behaviors that affected those around them. To be fair, they are both. But I think being on the other end is what made the latter more clear to me. The “ah-ha” moment for me was a few days ago, when I was actually talking to Kevin about everything going on with this person and how I was feeling about it. I essentially said that I did my best to give them the reassurance they claimed they needed, but it was never enough, and it made me not want to give them any. He didn’t answer me. He just sort of gave me this look. Like, how teachers look at students when they’re just so close to solving the equation. And after a second, I was like, “ohhhhhh....”

I think there’s a couple of reasons why it took me so long to reach this understanding. The first is that, since Kevin and I broke up, I’ve put a lot of effort into coping with my mental health better. I’ve improved a lot in terms of clarifying what kind of reassurance it is I need if I’m not receiving what would help me. I’ve also become much better at self-soothing or reaching out to people who aren’t Kevin should he be unavailable (physically or emotionally) to help me himself. Overall, I feel more independent and more stable. I think having the distance from when my behaviors were at their worst clouded my vision a little bit. The other reason, and I think the more obvious reason, is denial, as well as a good chunk of self-absorption. I was so wrapped up in my own problems, my own trauma, my own experiences with abuse and invalidation, I didn’t realize I was doing it to someone I loved so much. Unfortunately, I think most people are like that. People are selfish by nature, and oftentimes it takes experiencing something yourself to get the full picture.

I was a good girlfriend. A great girlfriend even! (Kevin’s words, not mine.) But I also blew up his phone while he was out with friends, often keeping him on the phone with me because I would have an anxiety attack mid-conversation. I demanded he tell me where he was and what time he’d be home, not because I wanted to control his life or anything like that, but because not knowing where he was made me anxious as hell. (Gotta love those abandonment issues, amirite?) I begged and pleaded for reassurance and comfort even when he was angry with me, or otherwise not in a place to give said reassurance and comfort, which in turn made me more anxious. I refused to give him space when he asked for it, and when it got so bad he felt the need to physically leave the apartment, I would desperately try to stop him, and then text and call him for hours until I eventually got a grip. When he did try to do things for me and my mental health, I didn’t fully appreciate it or thank him properly. The list, quite honestly, goes on. The fact is, as good of a girlfriend as I was, this treatment took such a toll on Kevin that he eventually couldn’t put up with it anymore. My mistreatment of him as a direct result of my own trauma eventually outweighed how much he loved me, as well as the times when I did make him happy.

And here we arrive at what is probably the most difficult thing for me to face. A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about being afraid that no one would ever love me because of how “crazy” I am. I mentioned that this is the root of my trauma from my relationship with Shawn. Looking at my relationship with Kevin in this way forces me to confront the exact thing that I am most afraid of. But here’s the thing, it’s not true. Yes, I am batshit insane and I still have a lot to work on. There are many issues I still struggle with, at least to some degree. But Shawn never loved me. I’m not sure if he’s even capable. You can’t lose something you never had. I would also make the argument that him telling me I could never compensate for how crazy I am and therefore no one would ever love me is exactly what made me that crazy in the first place. Even more importantly, Kevin DOES love me. I’m genuinely blown away by how much he loves me, and the fact that he STILL loves me after all I’ve put him through. He didn’t leave me because I was too crazy for him to love. He left me because the behaviors that resulted from the abuse I’ve endured were hurting him and affecting his own mental health. He left me despite the fact that he loves me. He left me after months of trying not to leave me. He left me because he also loves himself.

I feel it’s important to add a caveat here. I was not the only contributor to the problems in my relationship with Kevin, and he agrees. He did not handle my issues well, and it got to a point where the reactions Kevin had about my behaviors crossed over to my feelings. You know how I’m always talking about how feelings and behaviors are different? Well, that line began to blur for Kevin. By the end of our relationship, I felt suppressed, like I couldn’t talk about my emotions at all. Every time I tried to tell Kevin I was upset with him, no matter how calmly and reasonably I would begin the conversation, he would become enraged and react by literally telling me my feelings weren’t valid, that he was right and I was wrong. This, of course, would trigger my trauma brain, and the cycle would begin.

The downfall of our relationship was that Kevin and I could not see outside of our own experiences. I couldn’t see how my trauma-driven behaviors were hurting him, and he couldn’t differentiate between what I was inflicting on him and what I was expressing to him. As a result, we couldn’t communicate well, because we weren’t open to listening to the other’s perspective. We were mutually abusive. It’s not a pretty sentence, but it’s a necessary acknowledgement.

I do not feel that the situation with the person to whom I referred was mutually abusive. I feel that this person had expectations that exceeded the type of relationship we had, and that my responses were well within reason to how they were treating me. Others seem to agree with me. They (as in, the person I’m referring to) may disagree, and that’s fine. 

The point is, being on the other side of things, being faced with the very behaviors I was inflicting on Kevin, was an eye-opening experience for me. I am thrilled to have made this connection, and ecstatic for what this means in terms of next steps for my own journey through recovery. Confronting trauma is hard. Seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes is hard. But it’s so so worth it to watch yourself become a better person.

In the past few months, Kevin and I have slowly been starting to talk in more depth about what our problems were and where things went wrong. There have been a few fights here and there, but they’ve almost always been quick and easily solvable. We’ve been doing our best to listen to each other without jumping to judgments, assumptions, or defensiveness, as well as working at breaking old patterns, reactions, and cycles that occurred throughout our relationship. Most importantly, we’ve been having so much fun together, more fun than we had in the last several months of our relationship, and we’ve found the friendship we had lost. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for Kevin and me, if we’ll get back together, or just stay friends. But no matter what, I’m thrilled at how much progress we’ve made together, and quite content with his arm around my waist as I write this piece while he snores into the darkness.

#personal #mental health #mental health problems #borderline #bpd #borderline personality disorder #anxiety #recovery #healing #love

[redantsunderneath]

Us (2019) *Spoilers*

Us is the best movie I've seen since Mandy.  I shouldn't oversell it, but it's really rich and basically everything I like movies for.  I’m going to at least refer to major plot spoilers (usually without direct description) so stop reading if you want to stay clean.

Horror seems more direct and out of the box able to get at the concerns I like narrative art to deal with.  The genres kind of promote certain thematic preoccupations, and horror is so diencephalonic that it really is able to go psycho-chrono-geographically extreme (more unconscious, more primordial, more in the woods) with less dithering.  This movie is an example of why all my favorite movies loosely categorize horror (even cheap dumb horror movies seem to work a lot better subliminally than those of other genres).  

For people who don’t care about spoilers and want to follow along, the movie unfolds as follows: A black upper middle class family goes to their vacation house where no-one really wants to be - the daughter is in her phone, the son is withdrawn, the mom actively does not want to be there, and the dad is overcompensating.  They go to Santa Cruz beach where the mom, when she was a kid, saw a girl who looked just like her in a hall or mirrors below the carnival/boardwalk, the trauma stemming from which derives much of the movie’s impetus.  On the beach, they meet their friends, a white family who are the image of superficial aspirational American values.  

One night a full set of their doppelgängers show up in the driveway and a battle for survival begins.  This turns out to be broader with, at least regionally, alters (”the tethered”) showing up everywhere and killing their analogous surface people. The white family falls immediately, sand our guys have to face their alters too.  The family eventually triumphs, but not before the mom descends into the tunnels under the hall of mirrors and faces her alter who reveals a too literal plot and wins.  The family drives away and it is revealed that the mom was (THE SPOILER) the alter all along and what happens is the result of the “real surface mom” jealously yearning for participation in that kind of stuff we do that gives life meaning, including odd self delusions and empty displays... so, like culture in general.

What the movie is really about is how we have within us a shadow of our primal selves, an ancestral image of progenitors who were concerned with drives and survival, and we suppress this so that society can function and we can be free from the knowledge of existential risk. The "absent center" (a la Derrida) of the movie is the culture war in which we are prone to let this shadow (and its instinctual out-group hatred and violence) take more control. We have a complex relationship this repression that involves guilt (we have it better than they did, civilization is theft and genocide, how can I forget this) and tightly bound attraction/fear of giving into the deeper drives - we know it is valuable but we don't want to edge in too far.  

So civilization is an internal tension filled detente that is kind of a lie we tell ourselves, and that situation is slipping a little bit. Presented as the main perturbation is trauma - being forced to see the real of which this shadow is a part, whether the trauma is abuse, encountering too harsh truths as a child, day to day existence in western civilization, self inflicted trauma to confirm to norms, the loss of a way of life, epigenetic shock from slavery, or whatever else.  Being a “realist”, and societal “red pilling,” is depicted as extremely destabilizing and dangerous because the truths discovered when outed may annihilate everything we have been striving for (if that’s worth saving at all). 

Note, this is within the context of not absolute truth but competing ambiguities, or at least an ambivalent set of incommensurable ideas that are all true but are immanently inconsistent. Or, alternately phrased, culture has rejected confronting certain truths for so long that we should be afraid of how a bunch of people who are not nuanced and are not prepared for the knowledge will react, but we really need to understand the real to grapple with the inevitable dissonance (competing ideas of the good) when figuring out a way forward. This movie is not pedantic and is well aware this struggle should not be ignored but the pain of confronting the truth is that it threatens the good in a way that is fucking tough to resolve.

The semiotics of this movie must have taken forever to put together.  There is symbolism everywhere and most symbols have multiple meanings.The main reference points are the 1111, rabbits, and the direct references to other media, but it is drenched in nods to the Americana, slavery, status markers, black cultural touchstones, etc..  

The 1111 recurrence has many reflections, some harder to notice.  11:11 is in the ether as the “time that big shit goes down,” has numerological connections to the divine descending to earth, and has a direct function of representing the individuation/alienation of the family and the way things are “twinned.”  One good example of the way this ties together is, as they walk across the beach, their 4 shadows make the Black Flag symbol (there is recurrence of Black Flag T-shirts to remind us) which is a stylized single (1) flag, furled as to show a staggered arrangement of the 4 band members as individuals - unity in individuality, which the movie questions (also to play into themes of suburban rebellion and “authenticity”). The 1111/11:11 works a lot of ways: to suggest an eschaton of individuality, that there is a moment of great potential and danger, as judgement/revelation foreshadowing (via Jeremiah 11:11 "Therefore thus saith the Lord, Behold, I will bring evil upon them, which they shall not be able to escape; and though they shall cry unto me, I will not hearken unto them."), the twinnings at different levels (we see the Black Flag t most clearly in the chest of one of a set of twins who have their own "twins" 11:11 - the other twin just has on a halter to maximally show off her "twins").

The rabbits are a psychological critique of the id in modernity (this movie is interesting about sex in its color-around-the-picture absence).  In deep psychological tunnels, they are caged and consumed subconsciously, red and bloody, as the current order/superego’s sacrifice to keep things quiet, and set free by the lysis in libidinal excess.  They also abut the slavery imagery as they are caged, utilized instrumentally, and are present not just in tunnels but in something that codes as an underground railroad.  But mostly I think Peele must be a David Lynch fan as Inland Empire informs this use. 

The Twin Peaks references were unexpected.  The first sequence is a descent from the carnival of fake activities that simulate real experience to the “deep place,” past the dweller on the threshold who gives us warning, into the woods with an owl (which isn’t what it seems), and into a veil of curtains through which are the deeper psychological truths where we interrogate inability to cope with trauma as a kind of existential problem - the whole situation as a manifestation of the sickness of the structures that give life meaning.  Also, the protagonist is trapped for a similar length of time, has a doppelgänger that is in a way the real protagonist revealed, and needs to face this part of themselves.

So, we’ll try to hit most of the wide ranging pop-culture references, but things really intertwine. Example: the red smocks evoke several things: 1. Michael Jackson, with glove, specifically Thriller (as on the tee), intentionally picking up on the gaslighting, the trauma, the ties to his own hidden nature, and the fraught nature of cultural affiliation (specifically black - Peele is the one doing the questioning) that perpetrates a cycle of behavior (we’ll get to code switching); 2. Chain gangs/prison uniforms - there are shackles in the movie and "tethered" is the word for the link between people and their alters - which, in the imagination, is just an echo of slavery;  and 3. Michael Myers... the white mask of one of the characters delineates this, but it reminds one of the other as an encounter with the real.  The glove looking like a low res infinity gauntlet will be left as an exercise for the reader.

The Jaws T-shirt fits with the water/boats stuff, evoking the polysemous subliminal other as a threat to out prosperity and illusions about ourselves. Just as in Jaws, the other is a really wide concept and can lend to a lot of different readings focusing on whatever you want to about the modern western world and what we fear/suppress.  All the MJ symbols and the mention of OJ alludes to the fraught identity of being trapped between worlds.  Black Flag and NWA recalls the shakiness of authenticity from opposite sides.  The consistent riffing on The Shinning evokes the sickness in the culture, the family, and the individual as inseparable and leveraged against our forgetting what has happened and who were were before. Hands Across America’s repeated direct referencing instantiates the desire for and society's readiness to provide the lie agreed upon, ambivalence about which is at the heart of the film.  Lost Boys is name checked by location and timing - literally they its filming is there in the flashback part - but also the spectacle hiding our savage natures which we are drawn to but need to control.  The home invasion scene is very A Clockwork Orange, with the eruption of violent life into the modern domestic space set to pointedly inappropriate music. There are tons of less specific movie references each evoking multiple films with similar shadowing - masks, scissors as weapon, the hall of mirrors, carnival as place of trial and trauma, underground as a place to resolve answers, incongruous music and violence,  etc. There is a shot with shelves of VHS tapes all of which have obvious resonances (CHUD, Goonies, the Man with Two Brains, Nightmare on Elm Street) except the Right Stuff which is pointedly there, perhaps as a reminder that man can and will transcend.

Tim Heidecker plays just the kind of character who you'd expect - a clueless smarm who goofily performs the rituals of commodified masculinity while not really seeming masculine at all. His transparency is why he was cast. He is part of a whole family critique of the superficiality of the American dream and how there is rot underneath.  Much of this critique is undercooked and a weak spot of the film as the family’s alters, besides Elizabeth Moss’s narcissism prompted ritual self mutilation, aren’t that worked in. Yeah, the father mimes dad stances, and the kids are interchangeable just like suburban identities (right, commuters?), but that’s it.  There is a lot of deeply implicit racism and distrust of the outsider in the families’ interactions that is much more subtle than “I would have voted for Obama for a third term.” How about “I knew you’d forget the flare gun” (but not the rope or life preservers) which has a lot running through it - ironic racial assumptions, a from the right critique of a political stance valuing safety and security over defense and accepting help, the "making fire” motif involved in beating back the shadow, and the plastic “real man” attitude.

The primary family is black and affluent, and have a connection to black culture that is depicted as at once not entirely real, aspirational, and a kind of cosmic separation.  But (mostly) the really deep connection to these things is "forgotten." Dad’s efforts to code switch when he has to summon something other than performative consumerism comes off as pathetic in the face of the power of the history of survival.  As dad listens and performs involvement of “heritage,” the son asks what “I Got 5 On It” means - dad deflects and the daughter answers “drugs.”  The correct answer is having a stake in the ($) dream whatever rules you have to break to get there.  This rubs (intentionally) uncomfortably against the Michael Jackson and OJ references (and the trapped in the closet pseudo reference) as cultural aspiration is about having to either forget a history of bad things (what the actual text of the things are speaking to) or leave behind the products of that thing (at which point where is your connection to your cultural past).  

The Fuck the Police joke works a bunch of different ways: 1. It’s a pun; 2. it’s an Alexa/Siri not working joke; 3. it brings the specter of technology contributing to faulty society into the space (as does the daughter’s phone); 4. it ironically contrasts with Good Vibrations; 5. it ironically contrasts with the action, the incarcerated kicking the shit out of suburbanites as class revenge; 6. the actual police literally still haven’t shown up after the 911 (is a joke) calls; 7. it expresses our ambivalence to societal strictures; 8. it is at odds with the environment, suggesting the absurdity of the middle class aping authenticity; 9. Ice Cube now makes a lot of fish out of water comedies of hood-coded man trying to fake middle class; 10. I could go on.

The weapons used by the heroes are all affluent symbols, often a costly reclaiming/supplanting/mastering of the primitive with the stuff of the modern - an expensive aluminum bat, a golf club, an outboard motor, and a geode mounted on a stand. The 3 family members win against both their shadows and that of their white counterparts by unifying his modern advances with the primitive impulses. The dad wins by understanding how machinery works and by mastering fire.  The daughter wins because cars > running. The son is really something because he is all about play and tricks and can't make fire, but is really about empathy (or maybe mirror neurons). His alter plays with fire, has burned himself badly, and is scared by technological magic.  So our son makes a spark, and learns to play with the other and thus control him to walk backwards into the alter's own fire.  He learns this trapped in a closet (the second R Kelly sub rosa reference this weekend after Shazam saying "I believe I can fly" before a messy edit) surrounded by board games including Monster Trap and Guess Who?

The twist really opens up what the movie is saying and is perfect Twilight Zone type "both chewy plot gotcha and thematic epiphany.” The twist basically says that the jolt of becoming aware of the real is traumatic and, if it is bad enough and you are susceptible, the state of wokenness requires you to fake it in order to fit into the life you desire but are alienated from, while the part of you that loves life (giving over to a spirit, art, believing in something "true" rather than factual) stays buried ready to erupt with negative effects.  This is a unique take on the subjectivity of trauma, that the bad unacceptable thing that is not supposed to happen that happened to you makes you feel like you are characterized primarily by that bad thing pretending to be the transcendent nature you repressed.  And yet, the movie ends with the Shining helicopter landscape shots of the car driving away, to Hands Across America being re-enacted, our primitive selves being inspired to attempt to recreate the lie of society as a life affirming spectacle.  This rhymes with the mom continuing to play mom as the performance is the reality, is who she really is.

I have left a lot on the table... the boat (that always pulls left) stuff as class critique, the voices the alters have, what each families’ possessions say (especially the wall art and architecture of the houses), the movements of the alters, the coding of the water settings, the idea of the “Carnival” of souls over abandoned tunnels and superficial (cheap and temporary) vs. deep (forgotten) culture, the scissors as a compound metaphor, the mirroring, 100 other media nods (e.g. Home Alone), the general quality of the music cues, the overdetermining alter names from the IMDB page, the Howard and thỏ shirts, the drunk dad, the excessive hinting at common types abuse (using film and real language) but not letting us have that as an organizing reality (as Nightmare on Elm Street does), and other stuff I’m not dredging up.

The movie is not prefect - 1. it commits the cardinal sin of 11th hour exposition to set the literal plot in concrete, which I didn't need and waters down the themes; 2. the white family (other than mom) deserves more specific behavior from their alters, and 3. there is only one real standout acting performance (Lupita Nyong'o, who I didn't "get" until this). But man, this is 1000 x better than Get Out - it's broader and more primal in its concerns with race falling out as just one critique among many.  

[atenderofsycamoretrees]

so i talked to my surgeon and it’s pretty much a given that my cholecystitis (which is what i had surgery for) was caused by my eating disorder, bc apparently gallbladders hate it when you fast for several weeks and then binge-eat for a day and then do it twenty or so times a year, SURPRISE. blah blah regulation of bile blah blah fat breakdown blah.

and i mentioned this casually to my mom, and she immediately was like OH NO do you hate me for ruining your life forever for letting you go on weight watchers when you were fourteen??? i am the worst mom ever

which is enormously unhelpful

but i have been thinking about it a lot, especially because i was reading about chronic trauma for work and it’s kind of frustrating how many symptoms of chronic trauma i exhibit considering i was never the victim of abuse (i’m thinking specifically of not considering myself human, feeling like my insides are made of something gross that needs to get out for me to be a person, self-harming, suicidal ideation, having a pattern of weird unstable relationships where i get unhealthily obsessed with people who are nice to me for even five seconds [this is WAY less of a problem than it used to be, i think the pinnacle of this behavior was really undergrad] [it did lead to me getting diagnosed with BPD once, although i think that was a misunderstanding of those relationships], deeply distrusting authority figures while also needing constant praise and validation from them, assuming that people who think i am nice/good/whatever are being tricked by me because i’m actually bad, weird magical thinking that people can hear my thoughts/see my “bad” behavior, managing to dissociate entirely some of the worst years so that i literally cannot remember years 16-18, etc etc etc**). like is it possible to derive some level of trauma because the people in your life who were “supposed” to protect you... didn’t?

because honestly my main feeling about my ED and my parents is just that i’m disappointed. like this is something that i did to myself, not that someone did to me, but also the people who arguably should have kept me safe just didn’t. and i’m not resentful, i’m just sort of disappointed in them. i made so many overt attempts to reach out to adults/authority figures over an eight year period and people just didn’t respond, really.

i mean, my parents took me to therapy [where i got emotionally abused by at least one therapist and one psychiatrist], and i got involuntarily committed at one point when i was suicidal, but those weren’t really... they didn’t feel like helpful things? i mean therapy helped in the long run, but these experiences didn’t make me feel safer.

and i do think they damaged my relationship with my parents and other adults. so idk mom.

(but also, what are you gonna do when you’re a fat mom with a fat kid in a violently fatphobic society and you think if she gets thin she won’t have to deal with the same abuse you did, plus her pediatrician has been telling you she’s too fat since she was ten, and joining WW is HER idea -- you ARE protecting her, is i bet what you think.)

(i’ve also been reading Lindy West’s Shrill, which is Too Fucking Real and kind of fucking me up as a result)

anyway tl;dr my eating disorder fucked me up good and if i’d had any idea what the consequences were going to be like back then i probably still would have done it because i was so miserable and lonely and tired of being the joke and trying to cope with both my unacceptable body with my unacceptable brain.

and also i hate when my mom tries to talk to me about it.

**all these symptoms could probably also be attributed to having undiagnosed autism for twenty-five years and feeling like i was an alien changeling who didn’t belong in her family because i’m not like any of them, and not being able to form relationships with people but w/e

#blah blah blah #eating disorders #self injury / #suicide mention tw #abuse mention / #fat body politics #it's okay i'm fine! #i'm just ruminating <3 #about how much i fucked myself up as a kid

[julystorms]

The Great Fandom Debate: Episode 29, Nanaba’s Death

Considering that April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, it seems grotesquely fitting to talk about the anime-only reveal of Nanaba’s history as a survivor of it.

I’ve seen a lot of talk about the lines Nanaba speaks in her death throes. I’d like to add my two cents because I feel that I bring a valuable and relevant perspective to this discussion.

Here are the lines:

“Ahhh! No! No! Father, stop! Father! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I won’t do it again! Father—no!” **

They are cried out as she’s being torn apart by titans. She’s already lost most of her right leg; her femoral artery is hemorrhaging blood. Even assuming the artery contracts to try and slow the flow of blood, she’ll lose consciousness in <40 seconds and she’ll die from blood loss in less than three minutes.

A few people have commented across various posts and reblogs claiming that they interpret these lines as Nanaba recognizing her father as one of the titans attacking her, or that she’s hallucinating and she’s apologizing to her father for having joined the military. I’ve also seen people try to claim she was calling out to a priest or to God.

However, in context these interpretations don’t work. Firstly, Nanaba, using polite language, is calling out to her familial father (お父さん)—though he could be either a step-father, biological father, or adoptive father. Secondly, if Nanaba’s family was from Ragako Village, she would have gone south with Mike and/or it would have come up in the Rooftop Conversation scene. It didn’t.

Finally, you can’t take chunks of what she says and interpret them separately. They come together. Everything she says is aimed at her father. Not just, “I’m sorry.” Not just, “I won’t do it again.” She says both of those things to him. She also begs him to stop. She cries out, “No! No!”

This is not a person apologizing to their father for joining the military.

This is a person in the middle of an overwhelming PTSD Flashback. She thinks she’s with her father. She believes she’s done something wrong and is being punished for it. She’s trying to get the punishment to stop by apologizing and promising not to commit the offense again.

Nanaba is not a person who did something wrong once and got hit for it. This kind of PTSD reaction is undoubtedly the result of something bigger. These lines exist to show us that Nanaba is a survivor of child abuse.

We’re not fully privy to the type(s) of abuse inflicted upon her (though there was undoubtedly a physical component). We’re not made aware of how long it went on for, either (it could have still been ongoing at the time of her death—via letters, on furlough). We don’t get the details. All we know is that Nanaba’s experiences with her father were so traumatic that the pain of her leg being ripped off triggered a PTSD flashback.

For a more detailed look: a broken femur is one of the most painful things you can experience, yet Nanaba’s femur being snapped off triggers a PTSD flashback to her father beating her. Rating this as just physical pain, it’s obvious here which event is more painful. Yet we know what pain Nanaba sees as worse, as the bigger evil; we know what experience she associates massive amounts of pain with and the aggressor of that painful experience. It’s her father.

Most people have accepted that Nanaba is a survivor of child abuse and they all have a lot of interesting things to say. I saw many comments and reblog additions by happy and angry people, not all of whom will receive credit with their mentions here (to protect those who may wish to remain anonymous). However, I’d still like to discuss and add my own opinions to this discussion because I believe there’s a lot to be said about this character and about the backstory that has been added for her.

First, my own thoughts. I’ve been writing Nanaba for a long time. I RP’d her for a while. I had a backstory chosen for her years ago, and had mentally, at least, fleshed out her character. To give you an idea of perspective: I’m coming at this as someone who has liked this character for a very long time.

I always wrote her as a fairly confident person, but then the “Shelter from the Rain” story came out and revealed that Nanaba feels that she is a burden to her teammates, which led me to believe she has some issues with feeling that she needs to be better/that she’s not trying hard enough. Lately I’ve been writing privately with @trash-god to try and get a really deep in-depth feel for Nanaba’s character, since I’d like Nanaba to be a big part of a story I’m planning.

This reveal didn’t ruin her character for me. It didn’t alienate me. It left me feeling a little shell-shocked, a little hollow, and …uncomfortably close to her. I have a lot of fears regarding this reveal. I’m afraid people will remember Nanaba primarily as an abuse victim instead of for her actions or her personality: her resolve, her smile, the way she fought, how she took control of the situation, her belief that once you’ve signed up as a soldier you must fulfill your duty no matter how dangerous it is.

And some of the things people are saying… Honestly, reading those things makes me feel like I’m slowly crumbling.

This reveal was manipulative. It existed to make an already tragic death worse. It’s…angst fodder. It will never matter or mean anything.

It says nothing about who she was as a person.

It’s there to shock the audience, and in that it did succeed. A lot of people were shaken. I’m still shaken. I’ve watched that scene now over 20 times. I can’t stop thinking about it. I was shaken to my core over just a few lines.

It’s not the implication of child abuse that bothers me so much as the way it’s portrayed, the perspective we’re given it from.

Abuse like that…

It needs to matter. It doesn’t float in a void. The reveal made it her character instead of allowing it to be a part of her history. We were given a woman’s most private fear, something I doubt she shared with just anyone, and we saw her completely overwhelmed by it—living it, even. She shared her last moments with the person who hurt her most while she was still alive. She couldn’t escape it, couldn’t overcome it—not even as she died.

I refuse to blame Nanaba for succumbing to a PTSD flashback because she can’t help it. It happened against her will. She was terrified and in a lot of pain and those feelings are things she associates with her father. This is a reality that survivors of abuse and trauma live with, often for the rest of their lives. Nanaba can’t control her PTSD any more than any of the rest of us can.

That said, I don’t like the message it sends to victims and survivors of abuse—that they won’t be able to move past it, that it will come back to them in the end, that there’s no escaping it.

That kind of abuse…in an environment like the military… Look, it would have had an impact on Nanaba. You can’t say she was able to hide something so traumatic from everyone: from her teammates, from her supervisor, from her friends, from the person who bunked with her. If pain is a trigger, she’s probably been triggered before—where? An expedition? Training? And then there’s the fact that her father was an Authority Figure who abused her. How did she feel about the people who had power over her in training? Did anyone ever try to abuse their power over her in any way? How does she feel about Mike who is not just an authority figure but a very tall very imposing-looking man? Was there anything to overcome in regards to his presence as her immediate supervisor? What about Erwin as the head of the entire Survey Corps?

I’d also like to address the gendered stink surrounding this. I’ve accepted it as part of Nanaba’s backstory (let’s not pretend this defines her, all right?), but I think it’s really, really important for everyone to acknowledge that the writers made a conscious choice to give this to Nanaba. Not to Henning who has no real personality at all, and not to Gelgar who was suffering head trauma at the time of his death.

We know that Gelgar already had a death scene planned out. It was in the manga. He wanted a drink, didn’t want to go out sober, and was thrown into a situation of cruel irony where he got his bottle of liquor but…it was empty. Nanaba was left a little high and dry in the manga: she died silently—but I liked it because it was something I associated with her line to Mike about not wanting the cadets to see her feeling discouraged. It was something I felt connected to, because man, I really identified with her line about not showing weakness to a bunch of kids she doesn’t know well. I thought (and wrote!) that she forced herself not to cry out at her death to keep from panicking the cadets whose helplessness she felt partially responsible for.

Nanaba didn’t need anything added to her death or to her character—and she certainly didn’t need something added more than Henning (who got the least attention of all the vets at Utgard) did. I realize that Henning died instantly and so was not a good candidate for cramming in a history like this, but I want you all to think about the fact that none of our male characters have a traumatic past of this nature given this little amount of attention. Those same lines could have gone to Gelgar and had a massive impact on the audience. Here’s a fairly strong character who has shown a lot of fear, who wanted a drink, who hit his head hard enough that he lost almost all his remaining strength… And who could have cried out just the same. It would have no doubt leant another angle to his desire for alcohol, to his fear of the titans and his coping mechanisms. To a home life that we know nothing about.

But no. These lines went to Nanaba.

Just like sex/human trafficking went to Mikasa.

Just like an abusive/manipulative mother and father went to Historia.

Just like poverty went to Sasha.

Abuse went to Ymir.

An implication of rape via abuse of military power went to Hitch.

Don’t fucking tell me this shit isn’t gendered in this series. Don’t. Don’t even try. This is trauma used for flavor text. Spice. Aimed specifically at female characters. Tidbits of shit that don’t mean anything overall and never come up again/seem to impact the characters or their relationships to others. Bullshit like that.

The writers weren’t thinking any deeper than “how can we make her death sadder?” And the answer was: “Her life was painful, too.”

You can say Levi had a pretty bad past, but we get chapters devoted to it. We get a two-volume spin-off dedicated to telling that story. We see his personality page after page, chapter after chapter, extra information interviews/stories/et cetera, one after another.

We don’t get that about these female characters.

We never will.

And look. Speaking as a person with a lot of mental issues and hang-ups brought on by various factors I’m not comfortable making public knowledge, I know how they affect my life. My daily life. Including the parts people close to me can and do and will inevitably pick up on. I know how hard it is to try to exist as a “regular” person in a world that is not meant for me. I see red when I see trauma dumped into a series like this just so it can exist as…a cute little…accessory.

That’s not what it is. It’s not a fun bit of trivia. It’s not something that tells us what kind of a person she was. It just exists to make an already terrible death harder to watch. Not because we see Nanaba is rooted in the middle of a PTSD flashback and not mentally present in the situation, but because that is literally all we know of her life. So her life becomes abuse to the audience and so does her death.

This isn’t character development because nothing develops. We’re not shown her working to overcome a history of abuse. We’re not given scenes other characters being gentle to her in ways to help her get through her daily life/cope with this trauma. There’s no progress (or lack thereof) with which to compare to even make a claim that we’re seeing development. For an example: Mikasa learning to let/trust Eren look after himself is development. The fact that she was almost sold into sex/human trafficking is not.

One last comment on this subject: I think the presentation of the scene of Nanaba’s death is especially disturbing in that it manages to victimize her in a distinctly gendered way. The imagery of this scene evokes thoughts of assault, in particular of a sexual nature. I don’t know how much of this was intended and how much of it was accidental. I don’t know if we’re meant to think that Nanaba suffered that kind of abuse at the hands of her father, or because of him (prostituted to other men, for example), or if it’s just a product of how the scene was laid out in the manga. (If one titan had a hold on her and had been chewing on her leg or shoulder and she was crying out in that same way, it would not have given me the same visceral reaction or mental image/connotation.)

There is hope for those who want to look closely at Nanaba’s character, but I refuse to believe the writer(s) looked this closely themselves or even intended it, so I’m just going to stop everyone at the door and say: this is MY interpretation and NOT something I give WIT or Isayama credit for having created intentionally.

In the context of Nanaba’s history as a survivor of abuse by a prominent authority figure, one she had to call “father” (not “dad”) and speak politely to, I think her relationship to Mike is extremely important. Let me explain.

Nanaba calls Gelgar by his first name: no honorifics. The implication is that they are close, or at least view each other as equals (he returns this favor by calling her by her first name without any honorifics). Hell, Lynne talks to Gelgar that way, too.

But Mike is an authority figure—one whom Gelgar (who is in general a casual speaker) refers to respectfully (he calls him Mike-san). Nanaba, on the other hand, just calls him Mike…and not only when she’s alone. Before the rooftop scene, she calls Mike by his first name with no honorific in front of Thomas. Mike is by far her superior, one of the highest-ranked members of the Survey Corps.

For someone who was forced to call her dad “father” and speak politely to him, I think that she calls another Big Imposing Authority Figure by his first name means a lot.

I’ve mentioned this a long time ago, of course, but in light of this new context it carries much more weight. It could be a sign that she’s not weighed down anymore in her everyday life by her shit old man.

Unfortunately we don’t get to see this develop. We don’t know what Mike and Nanaba’s relationship really was, though this implies a certain closeness that isn’t implied between her and anyone else. And we will never know what obstacles she’s overcome to get to a point where she could not only call Mike by his first name, but that she could also feel comfortable going to him when she felt afraid and in need of comfort.

But I like to think it was a long journey--one they went through very carefully together.

(And I’m going to write about it.)

Shipping aside, it’s a hopeful thought. That Nanaba was not saddled with constant fear of her father every single day of her life, and that she did take what she wanted and fought for it--not just toward the end of her life, but all the way through.

Now for the things various people said about this reveal and my opinions on them:

“wonderful character development”

It’s not character development.

“it makes her memorable”

I guess in the same way I’m memorable because I don’t have teeth? Fuck off.

“her character had no hook except ‘badass woman’ in the manga”

People don’t have ‘hooks’ all right. Like from a literary standpoint I get what this is saying but it irritates me. Nanaba was a long-time veteran of a high-casualty military branch who still lost hope when she thought Rose was breached, when she thought the world was about to end. But she was talked into fighting and she did so until the very end—and gave her life to protect the helpless cadets she felt partially responsible for. “Victim of abuse” isn’t a hook. It isn’t her character.

“a cool little detail” because it shows that “even characters you don’t see much have depth to them” and “she has a backstory even if we didn’t see it or a buildup”

It’s not a “cool” “little” detail anymore than my trauma is a “cool” “little” detail of my life. Please be careful about your phrasing. That said, just like IRL everyone we see has a backstory and depth we are not necessarily privy to. It could have still been written in a way that wasn’t jarring and unnecessarily heavy-handed.

“it doesn’t add anything to her or the situation”

I won’t say it doesn’t add “anything” since information about a character in general is something, but…it doesn’t affect the situation so it’s unnecessary.

“an attempt to make her look pathetic and pitiful like Mike during his death scene”

I kind of agree. Mike’s death seemed to seek to humble a hulking giant of a dude by making him break into tears. Nanaba’s death preyed on her gender in a much more harmful way, I think. (As the “Goodnight, Sweet Dreams” story for Mike shows us that he has some PTSD that evokes tears already.)

“so on the nose” / “cheap” / “silly in its attempt to be serious and dark”

I agree with the first two but I don’t think it’s “silly” in its attempt to be serious and dark. Child abuse isn’t silly; I can’t even pretend it’s silly. It’s way darker and more serious than this series can deal with, though; it was just a cheap shot at tragic dark angst.

“no problem with the detail itself” but “pushed and unnecessary to understand her actions”

Agreed completely.

“we don’t have to know much about a character to enjoy them” / “can’t come to terms with what she said even though she never interested [them] as a character”

I agree. I’ve loved Nanaba for a long time, way before this reveal. That said, it was a very triggering thing to have suddenly thrust in your face and I know a lot of others in fandom were made very uncomfortable by it, so I’m sorry that so many people have had to deal with it.

“time spent trying to understand the character might feel thrown away?”

I don’t feel this way, but I understand why people do and I think it’s a perfectly valid way to feel. I feel frustrated, personally, by the fact that I wrote a story featuring domestic violence and Nanaba was in it and in light of this new information I feel I should go back and edit it and tell the entire story for Nanaba, too, instead of the gentle light-hearted story that was told from her perspective. A part of me feels like I’ve been telling her story wrong all these years for having failed to include it. But of course…how could I have known? I was purposefully avoiding the “she has short hair she must have been hurt by a man” stereotype.

“could have been woven in better from a narrative perspective like a realistic flashback in 26 to give her an actual little arc” 

Man oh man, I’d have really felt something if we’d gotten a hint of it in 26: her voicing her own fear, mentioning her father…or Mike mentioning her father in response to her fear-reaction re: Wall Rose (assuming he knows about her trauma and would seek to create a parallel, which is: you fought that, now you have to fight this, too. You won’t lose, you’re not lost. Not if you don’t give up). (To clarify, though, I think Mike would understand that sometimes there might not be much of her able to fight, and that’s okay.) This could be a little extra sad if we assume that she might be worried Mike is dead. Not that she needs him to stand tall, but his role as her encourager and pillar could be really important to her character, and part of her being triggered could be that she feels she’s lost it. But that’s looking way too deep at something the writers would have never bothered to attempt…

“doesn’t mean it’s sexist or shock value if it’s realistic for the world”

Our world’s pretty damn sexist but it doesn’t mean that a guy telling me I have “no business” in my field and “should be home barefoot and pregnant” isn’t a sexist comment. By definition any kind of material inserted into fiction without narrative build-up that happens to be shocking for some reason is…basically just…shock value.

“no indication of her having been abused”

I want to talk about this a little more, because I feel like…abuse isn’t something you always see. Even physical abuse. But narratively speaking it shouldn’t be inserted as a random detail of her life without any buildup. It was a poor choice. Again: shock value.

“doesn’t mean being abused is being weak”

Agreed completely. I don’t want fandom to send this message to people, either. The crime of abuse is on the abuser, not the victim. You’re not weak for doing what you have to do to survive.

“it’s not about experiencing abuse, but how it was handled”

Agreed completely. It could have been done well, but it wasn’t. End of story.

“makes nanaba weak” / “won’t be known for her bravery but as the girl who was abused” / “final moments leave big impressions” / “it’s not sexist though” / “i’d feel the same even if those lines were given to another character.”

It doesn’t make her weak. I understand the fear that she’ll be known as a victim of abuse over her actual personality traits, but I want to talk about this sexist thing you say here, where you think you’d feel the same even if the lines were given to another character. I just want to ask you if you’d refer to Gelgar, given those same lines, as “a boy” and not “a man” or “a guy” or “a veteran.” Nanaba is an adult woman, 30+ years old I’d guess. She has not been a girl for a long time, but since this reveal that word’s been thrown around a lot. Please. Stop that.

“the sexist/misogynistic messages aren’t intentional i don’t think, but they still exist”

Yeah, see below.

“latent sexism is hard to explain unless you analyze discourse and conversation because we’ve been taught it’s normal. The fact that a woman screaming in her death throes begging her father to leave her alone/promising not to misbehave again is normal enough that we consider it character development is what makes it sexism. That there was a CHOICE to give this to a female character is too.” @teetanjaeger​ [here]

This is a great post and I want everyone to read it.

“abuse used as a tragedy amplifier”

That’s exactly what it is.

“a history of abuse (and from the sound of it, horrible ongoing abuse) is canon now. we can’t pretend it doesn’t matter.” / “it won’t be explored or developed.” / “filler to amp up the sads.” @momtaku​

Yes, yes, and yes. That said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with refusing to accept the anime in this instance as canon—especially if it makes you feel more comfortable.

“a lazy addition” / “cliché”

It’s definitely lazy but I don’t know if it’s cliché. I’ve never seen this kind of death in any other series that I can recall off-hand, but then again…I’m pretty selective about my reading material.

“it’s saying people are still cruel inside the walls”

HAHAHA FUCK THIS BULLSHIT. Look, I get what you’re sayin’ pal, but this is a horse that has been beat to death 3001310 times over in this series. We get it. It doesn’t need to keep being stated. The extent of Nanaba’s abuse comes to this and ONLY this: “How can we somehow make her death worse than it already is?” It’s got nothing to do with spreading more of this message we’ve already seen ten tons of.

“gratuitous and unnecessary. Girl is getting her limbs torn off by titans after losing three of her friends in battle right in front of her—that’s tragic and horrifying enough. Did we really need the implied past abuse angle thrown in there at the last second to make it even more tragic and shocking?” “some backstory or even ONE mention might have made more sense but like with Mike’s death it feels like WIT is just hamming up these deaths to make them as horrible as possible.” “grossed out” “imagery of assault, gendered violence, victimization of Nanaba.” @drinkyourfuckingmilk​ [here]

Completely agreed, especially at the imagery of assault bit. I still feel gross.

“is there sexual abuse implied in this?”

That’s up to interpretation but considering the above imagery we’re given, I think a case could be made for saying it is.

“no issue with a history of abuse” “no issue with a character who rises above it or a character who falls back into that dark place” “issue is with something serious like child abuse being treated as tragedy wank fodder” “can’t rule out the nature of her abuse/if it was sexually motivated” “all of her accomplishments now relate to that abuse, something she had no control over” “her father now colors her presentation” “she’ll never get out from under his shadow” (see: petra’s dad who made fandom see her in terms of her marriageability to a man) “didn’t need to give nanaba’s filthy father more power over her” “at the moment of her death he still had power over her” “she didn’t escape him and that’s grotesque even if we’d known about her situation all alone” “especially terrible for those who relate to her” “I’m sorry there are people using your struggle for tragedy points” @lindowyn​ [here]

Another good post. I agree. Petra’s seen by a lot of fandom the way her dad talked about her: marriageability. It’s awful. I’m afraid for how they’ll portray and talk about Nanaba in the coming years. That said, not everyone gets a full recovery or can throw off the mantle of their abuse entirely. It’s doesn’t make Nanaba weak or “less than” for what her final moments were. But damn if I hate the message it’s sending to people, especially considering how many teens read this series.

“i don’t think it was added to reinforce that strong female characters are built by and will revert to their weakness in an abused state”

I agree, but unfortunately it’s a message that seems to still be getting across. :/ It’s an unfortunate accident.

“they gave her final moments to her abuser”

Yes they did.

“it seems that people who don’t have an experience with abuse aren’t able to understand the viewpoints of those who do”

I think this is the case, especially with the younger fans. Experience goes a long way re: sympathy and empathy…

“they didn’t add this scene because they want to explore child abuse and/or nanaba’s past abuse”

They absolutely did not; you’re right. I think they’d have actually tried a little if they wanted to show us a character who had that as part of their backstory, but I know what they were doing by adding it in—just trying to get a reaction from the audience. :/

If your name is not here and you want it to be associated with your comment...let me know.

TL;DR: I’m not mad at the backstory but I’m pissed about how it was handled, and the way the fandom is arguing about it and treating it makes me feel sick. There’s a lot to discuss here. I’ve accepted that this is part of her backstory. But I don’t want fandom to make it her character and I don’t want people calling her “weak” over it, either. 

I still really love Nanaba. She’s one of my favorite characters in this series. Maybe even my favorite. (How does one pick?)

If you have any questions, concerns, thoughts, or you’d like clarification or to engage me in discussion, please feel free to send me a message.

**Edited as of 20 May 2017: Nanaba’s English Dub dialogue for this scene is as follows: “Dad, no! No, stop it! Please, I’m sorry Daddy, I’ll be a good girl from now on--I promise! Ahhh! No, Daddy, no!!”

#snk #snk meta #nanaba #tw: abuse #tw: rape #tw: assault #tw: sexism #tw: misogyny #mike zacharias #gelgar #tw: domestic violence #snk s2

[exjade]

From: source

A detransitioned woman recently conducted a survey of detransitioners (Stella, 2016c). Though the survey was only open for two weeks, more than 200 women completed it. Clearly, there are more than just a handful of people who are coming to re-identify as female. The survey results are compelling.

• 92.5% of those who responded said that their dysphoria was the same or better after detransitioning than during transition.

• Only 8% of respondents felt somewhat or completely positive toward their own transition, whereas 60.2% felt somewhat or completely negative toward it.

Following are quotes from the individual comments included by survey respondents:

• “I used transition as self-harm. It destroyed so many parts of my life.”

• “My seeking medical and social transition led to a deep spiral of depression and lack of identity—and was probably also caused by those things. The social ostracization led to increased anxiety and my grades were devastated.”

• “I was a train wreck waiting to happen and transition fed the insecurities, anxiety and hopelessness” (Stella, 2016c).

The following is a quote from detransitioner and blogger Max Robinson, with her permission:

I transitioned FtM (female to male) at 16, was on testosterone and had a double mastectomy by 17. 

I absolutely am traumatized by what happened to me, and I'm not the only one. I'm a part of support networks for women who stopped transition that have over 100 members, and that's just the individuals who have gone looking for others with this experience and found us.Early in my transition, I went through menopause. This caused vaginal atrophy and drip incontinence that has persisted for years. I piss myself slowly all day now; it's really not cute or fun. I refused to acknowledge it was connected to the HRT-caused vaginal atrophy that immediately preceded its onset until months after going off testosterone. Yeah, I signed a paper saying I knew that could happen. I also thought this treatment was my only hope for coping with the intense feelings of alienation/disgust with my femaleness. I was wrong. Transition didn't help. It did harm, harm that I now have to learn how to live with on top of all the shit I thought transition would fix.

My double mastectomy was severely traumatizing. I paid a guy, a guy who does this every day for cash, to drug me to sleep and cut away healthy tissue. I did this because I believed it would heal all of the emotional issues I was blaming on my female body. It didn't work. Now I'm still all fucked up and I'm missing body parts, too.

There is no surgery that will undo what's been done… adding synthetic materials to resemble the tissue of mine that was incinerated years ago would not help me. It took 3 years of stuffing down every negative feeling about my mastectomy before I was ready to face that what happened did harm to me. I was off hormones for months before I admitted to myself that I deeply, deeply regretted this surgery. I have lost my breasts and I have lost the chance to reconcile with my breasts. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be work worth doing. Now the work before me instead is reconciling with what I've done and with the chest I have now—flat, scarred, asymmetrical, and nerve-damaged. (Robinson, 2016)

Detransitioner and blogger Cari Stella went on testosterone and had a double mastectomy as a teenager. In a video she made, she lets viewers know that she is not just some statistic. Looking right at the camera, she tells us that “I'm a real live 22-year-old woman with a scarred chest, and a broken voice and a five o'clock shadow because I couldn't face the idea of growing up to be a woman. That is my reality” (Stella, 2016a).

It has been demonstrated that pediatric transition can have serious side effects and comes with the possibility of a high incidence of regret. Now I would like to discuss how social factors and therapeutic practices are playing a role in encouraging young people to transition.

In recent years, young people (tweens and teens) have been presenting with dysphoria “out of the blue” without ever having expressed any gender variance before (https://transgendertrend.com/rapid-onset-gender-dysphoria-research-study/). An announcement of being transgender is often preceded by anxiety, depression, social isolation, loss, or trauma. This now-common presentation was virtually unheard of until a few years ago. The sudden onset of gender dysphoria seems to be correlated with a couple of factors.

One is social media use. On sites such as YouTube, thousands of homemade videos chronicle the gender transitions of teenagers. The Tumblr blog “Fuck Yeah FTMs” features photo after photo of young FtMs celebrating the changes wrought by testosterone. “I finally have freedom!” posters boast under photographs of their scarred chests post mastectomy. “I'm no longer pre-T!” boasts another under a video of someone injecting testosterone. “My name is Cameron! I'm a nineteen-year-old nonbinary/trans person living in Ohio! I'm excited to say that yesterday was my first injection! I am so happy with the person I am becoming.” Almost all of these posters are under 25 years of age.

Young people can find plenty of in-group validation online. There is an incredibly positive climate around being trans in many places on the Internet. On just one of the hundreds of thousands of YouTube videos that document the poster's “top surgery,” there are 48 comments such as:

“Can't believe how far you've come! You are amazing in every way!”

“So proud and happy for you.”

“You are totally rad.”

“By the way, you are totally attractive.”

Young people are also finding validation online for their self-diagnosis as transgender. The blog transgenderreality.com meticulously details the process by which a questioning young person is encouraged to understand his or her symptoms as evidence of being trans. Young people on reddit and other social media sites explain that they started wondering whether they were trans because they enjoyed creating opposite-sex avatars in online games and liked the clothing or hairstyles of the opposite sex. Commentators frequently respond by telling them they sound like a “textbook case” and congratulate them on “finding out early.”

The second correlative factor is having peers who also identify as trans. We are seeing kids coming out together in peer groups. The following quotes are all taken from parent comments on the blog 4thwavenow unless otherwise noted.

We are a progressive family caught in the teenage transgender wave. It's so scary. I can't even put it into words. What we are seeing are pockets of teens in different towns who are declaring themselves either non-binary or transgender. In many cases, these are teens who showed no gender variance at all, and then they get connected with a group in their high school, and suddenly a large percentage of them are identifying this way. The information they find on the Internet convinces them that physical transitioning via hormones and surgery is not only the only way to go but should also be available to them right now, as soon as they want it. I am very concerned that the medical community is not looking at the sheer number of teens, post-puberty, who are making these kinds of declarations and asking whether this can be genuine or a temporary stop on the process of figuring out one's identity as a teenager. Peer influence is just so huge in these kids. As soon as they turn 18, they are seeking medical intervention, and the model now is informed consent, so we have lots of teenagers and young adults making permanent changes to their bodies when their brains have not yet reached adulthood. Very, very scary.

In my daughter's extra-curricular activity, one of the groups has about 20 kids in it (all teenagers). Seven of those kids are natal females. THREE of those seven females are publicly out as FTM. This does not include my daughter, who has never come out publicly. So four of seven girls have some issue with gender identity. Of the three girls who have socially transitioned, one is on testosterone and has had surgery. All are under 18. All of them made this discovery after puberty.

My daughter befriended some trans kids from her acting troupe. When you look at this group, each year they are something different. There are kids who, upon joining, are just “allies,” the next year they are bisexual, the next year they are gay, and then the final year, they are trans. And at every step of the way, they are being applauded and receiving so much positive support from themselves, each other, the group, the grownups, and the audiences they address (I call this the “echo chamber”). But it's fishy. Why are there so many kids who, the more they hang out, all of a sudden, they are trans too? It doesn't make sense.

My daughter, who is 17, told me last year on Mother's Day that she was now my son. When I began researching this subject, I was extremely concerned with the medical intervention that takes place with these children. Then when I went to a meeting for parents with transgender children, I was shocked about how all of these parents were jumping on the bandwagon of drugs and surgery without questioning. They even complain about wait times for surgeries! Unfortunately, here in Canada, children as young as 16 can make medical decisions for themselves and parents are not allowed to intervene (and surgeries are free).

My daughter decided she is transgender just as soon as she learned of it as a concept, in her senior year of high school. The previous school year she was dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress. She learned of transgender from a small high school group of friends. The university diversity center director took a group of transgender students to a free gender clinic, where my daughter then returned and received, after a single visit, a prescription for testosterone.I am the mother of a young man in his late 20s who, within the space of just a few months of bingeing on reddit and YouTube transition videos, decided that he was transgender, and is undergoing transition at a frightening speed. Obviously, he is old enough to do whatever he pleases, and all I can do is grieve quietly as I watch him from afar as he destroys his physical and mental health.

In my local high school my daughter is in the marching band. She plays an instrument, but she is friends with many girls in the color guard. There are about 25 members of the color guard this year. All of them are natal female. Last year my daughter told me that almost all of them felt they were lesbian. This year, almost all of them feel they are transgender, agender, or, at the very least, are questioning their gender identities. I've noticed that many of them have similar haircuts and that some of them are binding. Many constantly discuss their gender identities and agonize about “coming out” to their parents. Their lives seem to be focused on this subject 24/7, which has driven away certain non-transgender friends. No adults have stepped into help, even though they are aware of what is happening. (Anonymous, Private correspondence, 2016)

#radical feminism