#i don't even know why i starve myself i don't have an eating disorder and it's not like i forget to eat

[atzaurora]

먹다-"eat."

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let them eat cake

member: ot8

pairing: fem!reader x idol!members (9th member au)

type: imagine (angst, fluff/comfort)

warnings: !!ED!! dni if you cannot cope with any topic about disordered eating or eds in general!

a/n: I thought about writing about mental health topics for a while now and decided to give it a go now. I myself struggle a lot with unhealthy eating habits and it might never go away so I think it's a great comfort story for all the people who feel the same :3 please know that you can text me anytime and you are beautiful!!! now enjoy ^^

here's my masterlist!

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"shit" you mumble, stepping down from the scale again only to step back on right away. 2 kilo more than yesterday, only if you hadn't eaten like basically half of the fridge in one go. but you couldn't help yourself.

staring at all the snacks, your stomach empty for at least 5 days. you had to.

so you ended up sitting on the kitchen floor, mascara running down your cheeks as you stuffed food into your mouth, more and more, till you physically couldn't fit any more into your stomach. exhausted from everything you went straight to bed, after cleaning everything up, making sure none of the others saw what had happened to all the food.

you didn't wanna be like this, starved, low on energy, no motivation for even the smallest things but you couldn't do anything against it. but you didn't tell anyone, in fact, your management was more than happy about how your body looked which only made you keep going, -1,2,3,4,5,6... you needed to loose more, the desire to lose more, now too big to stop.

you could see the others starting to notice, the way Seonghwa had looked into your eyes after laying his hand around your wrist, he could feel how thin it was. "honey are you alright?" he had asked. "I'm fine, everything is great, why would you ask?" you bluntly responded, that answer already being on autopilot by now.

he left you alone after that response, he didn't want to bother you, yet he knew something was wrong. and he wasn't the only one, everyone looked at you worried after you spit out yet another "I'm not hungry" when they offered you food. but it still worked. no one was brave enough to speak up and say that they knew you were in fact not fine.

today was another day of dance practice. a quite intense one actually, which was not the perfect combination to a 5 days empty stomach. but you had to pull through. everybody went into the car, Jongho getting in last and shutting the door as he drove you all to the company.

in the practice room, everyone set down their things, turning on the music and getting in position. standing up already made your vision go black for a few seconds, you didn't even wanna know what would happen if you did such an intense dance. but you guess you are about to find out.

the room was a whirlwind of activity as everyone settled in, stretching and chatting, the atmosphere a mix of excitement and exhaustion. You placed your bag in the corner, taking a deep breath as you tried to ignore the gnawing emptiness in your stomach. You could feel the concerned glances from the other members, their silent worry a weight you couldn’t shake off.

"Y/N, you okay?" Wooyoung’s voice broke through your thoughts, his eyes searching yours for any sign of truth.

"Yeah, just a bit tired," you lied, forcing a smile. "Ready to dance."

You moved into position, the music starting to pulse through the speakers. The choreography was demanding, each step requiring precision and energy you didn’t have. As the dance progressed, you felt your limbs growing heavier, your vision starting to blur. You pushed yourself harder, desperate to keep up, 'don't you dare give in now' you told yourself, but your body had reached its limit.

Halfway through the routine, your legs gave out, and you crumpled to the floor. then nothing. not a sound, no light, just complete darkness. you took it too far this time. fuck. the music stopped abruptly, replaced by the sounds of panicked voices and hurried footsteps. your vision and hearing then came back after a few seconds but everything was blurry, seemed almost unreal.

"Y/N!" San was the first to reach you, his face a mix of fear and concern. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"I’m fine," you tried to say, but your voice was weak, barely audible. The room spun around you, and you felt yourself being lifted off the ground, strong arms carrying you out of the practice room.

Everything became a blur after that, a flurry of worried faces and hurried words. You were taken to the company’s infirmary, where a doctor checked your vitals, their expression grave.

"She’s severely malnourished and dehydrated," the doctor said, looking at the others. "She needs rest and proper nutrition immediately."

Hongjoong’s face was tight with worry, his usual calm demeanor shattered. "How could this happen?" he muttered, more to himself than anyone else.

You were too exhausted to respond, your body shutting down as you were hooked up to an IV. The room was quiet, the silence heavy with unspoken fears. You drifted in and out of consciousness, feeling a hand squeeze yours gently. Based on what you could feel you were pretty sure it was Wooyoung. you knew how his hand felt in yours and this gave you at least a bit of comfort in this moment.

When you finally woke up, you were back at the dorm, lying in your bed. The room was dimly lit, and you could hear soft voices from the living room. You tried to sit up, but your body protested, every muscle aching.

"Hey, don’t move too much." Yunho's voice was gentle as he entered the room, a worried smile on his face. "You need to rest."

You looked at him, tears welling up in your eyes. "I’m sorry," you whispered, your voice breaking. "I didn’t want to worry anyone."

Yunho sat down beside you, his expression softening. "We’re more worried about you than anything else, Y/N. We’ve noticed for a while now, but we didn’t know how to help."

"Why didn’t you say anything?" you asked, feeling a mix of guilt and relief.

"We wanted to, but we didn’t want to push you away," he admitted. "We’ve all been so worried."

The door opened, and the rest of the members filed in, their expressions a mix of relief and concern. Yeosang stepped forward, his eyes filled with determination.

"We’ll look out for you more, Y/N. We’re going to get through this together."

Tears streamed down your face as you nodded, the weight of your struggles finally lifting. You knew it wouldn’t be easy, but with their support, you felt a glimmer of hope. You weren’t alone anymore.

Mingi handed you a bowl of soup, his smile encouraging. "Start with this, okay? Small steps."

You took the bowl, feeling the warmth spread through your hands. You looked at the soup for a bit, handing it back to Mingi, who gave you a confused glance. "can you do it?" you asked quietly. "you want me to feed you?" he smiled softly "sure sweetheart." he lifted the spoon giving you small portions to swallow.

the others sat around you, their presence a comforting reminder that you were loved and cared for.

For the first time in a long time, you felt a sense of peace. You had a long road ahead, but with them by your side, you knew you could face it. Together.

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#ateez #ateez atiny #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez imagines #atiny #ateez scenarios #ateez x reader #tw ed but not sheeran #tw eating issues #hongjoong #seonghwa #yunho #yeosang #san #mingi #wooyoung #jongho #choi jongho #ateez san #ateez fluff #ateez angst #ateez mingi #ateez hongjoong #ateez jongho #ateez seonghwa #ateez wooyoung #ateez yeosang #ateez yunho

[bixels]

When I was getting my diagnosis, my psychiatrist told me right after giving me my prescription that I need to consider eating food a part of my medication, and that flipped a switch in my brain that oh. Maybe willingly starving myself and eating only one meal a day isn't healthy.

#typing this while i'm at work and so hungry my stomach is aching and hurting #personal #delete later #i don't even know why i starve myself i don't have an eating disorder and it's not like i forget to eat #it's just i have so little time to eat meals nowadays that i don't consider it important anymore #so i just try and tough it out #tw: eating issues #tw: eating problems #tw: disordered eating #idk what tw to put on this #tw: medication

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

is it depression or is my appetite gone cause I'm preemptively preparing for when Val gives up on any progress & his relationship for real n starts givin me shit about my weight again

#i mean idk if it's gonna happen but #it might #why do i care what he thinks? ain't that the question #n i mean i know it's not even abt my appearance rly cause he gave me shit about it in my source body too n that one's full heroin chic #it's just abt the control #he likes me weak & he likes it when i starve myself for him #thank fuck our sleep meds make me hungry as hell cause otherwise i wouldn't be eatin at all #just need to make sure i have easy food available so we get some actual nutrition too instead of just junk #even the junk's better than nothing though! #it's not a body image issue for me atm but i'm kinda worried it might turn into one #like pllllssss we already had one ana stint we rly don't need another go at that it fucking sucked #n as a bonus doesn't even make us lose any weight cause our metabolism's fucked lmao #so it'd literally just be me eroding our insides for nothing. except like a brief feelin of satisfaction i guess #i can get that in less dangerous ways too tyvm #so i rly rly hope val's up to speed w/ the way it'd get legitimately dangerous for the body him included. n also make him feel like shit #if he wants that type of control there's other shit he could have me do. nothing i'd like but at least w/ less or no physical harm included #kinda wish my life wasn't like 80% harm management at this point but. it is what it is. #at some point it's gonna change. someone else is gonna take over. #all i havta do is keep shit running w/ as little long term damaga as possible til then #can my sedatives fucking do smth my heart's still fucking pounding for no reason uggghhhh #spdrvent #disordered eating cw

[drdemonprince]

Your post about "transitioning to escape gender but then there's more gender" has been rotating furiously in my mind since I saw it. When I first realized I was trans at age 15, I identified as agender, but I knew I wanted to go on T and get top surgery so I decided it would be simpler to tell everyone I was a trans man and that just kind of became the truth. Now 10 years later I'm sorta starting to feel like I wanna actually be agender again, but the idea of an identity shift like that at my current age is terrifying and idek who I'd tell, or how I'd do it, and I don't think I wanna stop using he/him exclusively, and I have no idea why I'm telling *you* this other than that I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about it because it feels like somehow admitting that I was wrong about the gender I fought like hell to become, even though i don't really think that's the case I think my sense of self might just be continuously evolving... but I just wanna say you talking about having a gender shift like once every several years is helping me process this rn and feel like I'm not faking anything now AND wasn't faking anything before.

Dog i am right there with you. As a kid I always thought gender was bullshit, the coercive nature of it disgusted and scared me and I rebelled against it the best that I could. I loathed being assigned to any gender category, I never identified as a "girl", but I didn't really identify with any other category either. Puberty terrified me (and of course, it does most young people, but it felt like it would only more deeply entrench the category that I was assigned to in other people's minds, it made it more difficult to escape). I had trans friends as a teen but it did not occur to me to transition because there was really no end goal that I wanted to head toward, I just knew what I wanted to avoid and not experience. I coped mostly by degendering my body with a fairly androgynous style and way of presenting myself to the word and mannerisms, but also by starving myself which was not so great, and not sustainable. I considered transness for myself, even trying on a friend's binder and presenting masculinely at certain queer events, but it seemed to me at the time like just another way in which to obsess over gender, a foolish coercive socially constructed thing that i was trying to avoid.

In my 20s, I learned more about nonbinary people and figured that explained things pretty well. I was enamored with the transition journeys of some other trans people, largely trans women more than trans masculine ones (with some trans-effeminate faggot boy exceptions), but I still didn't want to take on all the expense and uncertainty and hassle of navigating the medical system for myself. I didn't think that the pursuit of being happy merited taking on so many risks or fiddling with myself so much. I saw it as an extravagance I didn't deserve, I guess, and I also couldn't locate a target outcome that seemed desirable enough for me. I was still dealing with an eating disorder and recovering from some trauma and didn't really think about my life in the long term. I guess I still don't, haha, whoops.

Eventually I came out as nonbinary, and nobody really gave a shit. There is a lot of useless, solidarity-breaking discourse that happens online about essentially who is "more" oppressed, binary trans people or nonbinary people, and a lot of that fight amounts to the two groups shouting about the ways in which they annoy one another without there being any cogent analysis of power and where oppression comes from (let alone how much those two categories overlap).

But I will say that being a they/them was far more difficult than being a trans guy socially and institutionally, because your identity is completely illegible to every system around you. "binary" trans people struggle under this too, but i have found there are some immense benefits to having a socially and institutionally legible target gender. nobody would fucking actually they/them me. not anyone. not even other trans people and queer people. there were no public gendered spaces for me. there were no spaces for me. there was no way to move through the medical system, professional life, and other public institutions as a nonbinary person. i was still just a cis woman in everyone's eyes. including the people who claimed to support me. and it was massively frustrating.

and so i think ultimately, i took my frustrations with not being at all able to escape coerced gendering as a nonbinary person and combined that with the affinity i do feel for queer men and the general sense of misery i was still experiencing in my life and decided what the hell, i'll round myself up to being a trans guy. i upped my T dose, i dressed more masculinely, i eventually got a super masculine hair cut that really squared off my jawline and got me gendered correctly, and i started more consciously inhabiting queer men's spaces.

and it was pretty dope. for a while. i felt the rush of having gotten away with something. when people effortlessly gendered as male i felt freed at last from the pressure to be a woman. i was no longer being coerced into being something that i was not. i had escaped the enforced category so much that people couldn't even see the history of that category being pushed onto me. there was relief.

but then. as always happens. people made little comments about my handshake being too weak for a man. the hypermasc dudes at the leather bar rolled their eyes at me and all the other effeminate dudes swanning around the bar. the people who picked me up off the apps or at the sauna would always let it slip, eventually, that they had a lot of experience with trans guys, or had most recently been dating all trans guys, and it would make me feel like a stock character to them, yet another category into which all kinds of assumptions had been projected. a type not a person. a few people said my haircut made me look like i was in the military or described me as actually masculine, which was equally jarring because it was so incorrect. people tried to affirm me by saying i was such a dude, i was such a man, i was such a fag, i was such a gay bro, pawing all over me leaving the mark of all their assumptions and oversimplifications behind. i had tried to run away from gender and there i was just BASTING all the time in everybody's goddamn assumptions about gender. trans people didn't talk about it any less than cis people did, they were just as fucking confining to be around.

it honestly feels really dirty. when people try to affirm your gender constantly and can't stop talking about it, when people look past you and see only your body, your history, or the role they have typecast you in, when people use your body as an outlet for their own gender or sexuality explorations, when they keep trying to measure every single facet of existence up into being masculine or being feminine or being toppy or bottomy or any other gendered type, it's claustrophobic.

as a trans man i tried playing this whole gender game and the second i started winning i began to feel even more disgusted with myself. it wasn't a victory or an escape, it was a capitulation. exploring with my identity and presentation has brought positive things into my life and my health has gotten better as a result, and i've made wonderful friends who, like me, are disaffected by this coercive gendering system. so i don't regret any of that. but trying to make myself legible under the existing gendered system was a fool's fucking errand. i wish i hadnt done it to myself and i wish i hadnt had it pushed onto me. to be clear, it was cissexist, binarist society that forced it onto me; even when other queer people coated me in their gendered assumptions that is obviously a byproduct of societal conditioning, and it's conditioning that ive reinforced in my own behavior and outlook toward others plenty of times too. we all do it, and we are all wronged by the existing coercive gender system.

i dont even care how i fucking identify anymore and i have no intention of changing pronouns again or anything, i'm so bored of it, i just actually want off this fucking thing. im not interested in trying to make others understand what i am anymore or in who i am even being simply categorizable, i dont want to obsess anymore over how i am perceived or to attempt engineer my appearance and mannerisms to broadcast an identity to anyone. i dont even want to fuck anybody right now at all because im so sick of how much that's a gender pantomime for people. i want off this fuckin ride man im so done.

it's kind of freeing, to hit this point of complete gender apathy, and i think it is a pretty common stage of identity development for a lot of queer people who have explored multiple identities and roles over time. there is no category that i actually am, or that anyone is, there are just the frameworks that society has given us to work with to understand ourselves, and the ways in which we flatten who we are to be able to make sense of the world using those frameworks. but who i actually am is so much more contextual and mutable than all that. i am a different person in the classroom than i am on the train platform than i am in the bedroom than i am cuddling on the couch than i am when i'm working out than i am when curled up on the floor crying than i am at a big furry convention. who i am continues to change as new people come in and out of my life and age and change and my body alters and as the weather turns. who fuckin knows man it's nothing and everything. i want to let it just be

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for saying I don't give a shit about calorie counts?

Before I even start this, I'm going to say - if you actively have an eating disorder, please don't vote on this one. I used to have one and I know how badly ED screws with your reasoning regarding weight and food, even with other people. Onto the dilemma.

I (22M) and my friend (31F) are both on "diets" - in quotes because its a lifestyle change, but idk about her. I've drastically changed my diet, exercise, and general lifestyle for health reasons.

My friend also wanted to start dieting at the same time, and as far as I know, she just wants to lose weight. She has a healthy weight goal in mind and her methods of losing weight are healthy, basically the same as me - better foods and more exercise. Recently we talked about our goals because we both lost several pounds, and she asked me what my goal weight was. I told her I didn't have one, I might later but right now my only focus is making sure my body is in good health. She seemed to agree and the conversation moved on.

Another thing is, I recently learned that I LOVE to cook. I've been adding more veggies and spices into my diet as well - swapping french fries with marinated air-fried carrots, veggie dumplings, shredding cabbage for noodles, making my own stir fry sauce and blends, etc.

I cook for us sometimes, because I often make more than I need and I want to share my cooking with others. But she keeps asking my how many calories are in stuff. I tell her what's in the recipe and how it's made, but I honestly have no clue how many calories are in anything I make. I can tell her pretty much anything else, like it's rich in whatever vitamin, it's low cholesterol, it's a great source of iron, I used healthier alternative instead of whatever... but that's not the info she's looking for. And since a lot of my cooking is experimental, I can't look it up online. I've never noticed this to be an issue before, but I'm a bit clueless so it's possible she showed signs of being bothered by this and I just didn't notice.

It all came to a head the other day when we had dinner after our usual workout. I was charting the exercises I did that day. She asked me if I was tracking calories for the meal and started talking about her calorie tracker app. I listened to her spiel about empty calories and tracking food. When she asked if I was going to downloaded it, I laughed and said "I don't give two shits about counting calories. As long as the food is good for me I don't care." I said it light-hearted and joking bc I don't want her to think it's bad to count calories - it's just not what I'm going to do. But she got quiet and later texted me that it hurts. I explained that she can count calories if she wants, and I don't care if she does or doesn't, but it's not for me. She doesn't know about my eating disorder history and I'd rather not tell her, since that's another reason I don't count calories - I don't want to fall back on starving myself since I KNOW that's not healthy, so it's easier for me to just exclude calories from the picture entirely. Should I tell her why I don't count calories? Could I have told her that I don't care about calories in a nicer way? AITA?

Also, before anyone suggests it - she does NOT have an eating disorder. Idk why she counts calories, but she shares a lot about her life with me, and she eats plenty and eats well, and doesn't exercise excessively, just enough to stay healthy for what she wants to do.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #eating disorder cw

[spacelazarwolf]

Bro that sleep cycle rythm disorder thing reminds me so much of when my doctor told me i have a deformity because i have tubular breasts. Why is ugly boob disorder a genuine diagnosis?? Can doctors be more normal about people who completely harmlessly deviate from the norm?

HOLY SHIT SAME!!!!! one of my old doctors pestered me nonstop about getting "corrective" surgery on my "tubular" breasts but then when i was like "actually i don't want them at all" suddenly my breasts were perfect and lovely and why would i mutilate such perfect and lovely creations of god. also even if i hadn't gotten top surgery i would have wanted to get a reduction to help with back and shoulder pain, but every time i talked to a doctor about it all they could talk about was the shape and making them look more "normal." which is a consistent problem i've had with doctors!!!! when i asked to be put on medication for my severe adhd, my doc at the time was like "oh maybe it'll stop you from eating so much! you know! because of your binge eating disorder!" even though months before i had told her i was starving myself (which she approved of!!!!!) i am so sick of doctors prioritizing the way our bodies look over the way they actually function!!!!

#ask avishai

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

What made you want to recover. I have anorexia and I don't want to recover I just want to get worse and worse until I'm sick enough. I'm in forced recovery but faking it as I just want to starve is there any reason to recover?

Hello anon, this is a difficult question to answer because for me, personally, it wasn't any one thing that made me want to recover. The truth is that when I started, I didn't understand the long-term effects of what I was doing to myself. I sort of knew about them, but the importance of being thin had been stressed to me all of my life and so I was in a self-destructive place where I was willing to make that choice again and again and risk throwing away my health for thinness. That's pretty fucked up, true, but again, I didn't understand the full extent of the damage I might be doing to myself.

I think it's also worth mentioning that I had an undiagnosed chronic illness and some trauma that I was quietly sitting on because I doubted my own perspective and my ability to access real help for these things. Because of this, I didn't have a frame of reference for mental and physical wellness, because I hadn't felt mentally or physically well for a very long time. Even now, looking back at symptoms I was experiencing, it is hard to know if I was experiencing these things due to my eating disorder or something else. I think it was all cumulative damage, to be honest. The eating disorder didn't help.

But looking back, I think I actually had an eating disorder long before I "decided" to start restricting food. I remember going through a growth spurt during puberty around age twelve and being hungry all the time, but we frequently had the kind of foods people call "junk food" in the house because that's what my parents bought. So that's what I ate a lot of, constantly, and my mother was constantly remarking on it in a negative way and trying to stop me. I have a very complicated relationship with my mother, and she raised me with a complicated relationship to food and body image. I remember doing fucked-up things like sneaking food into the bathroom with me so I could eat snacks in the shower unobserved, or hiding snacks under my bed, and just absolutely gorging on food at other times while knowing I was eating way past the point of being full and not knowing why I wanted to. So I officially decided to start restricting when I was fifteen, but the truth is that I had a fucked up relationship with food way earlier than that.

When I was nearing my seventeenth birthday, I experienced a breakdown in health due to chronic illness. I was suffering terribly. At the time I had this hippie friend who believed everything could be cured with the right diet and supplements. As I mentioned before, I was raised in a household where we didn't fully understand proper nutrition, and I had been raised eating a lot of low-nutrition meals. Because I had a stronger relationship with this friend than with my family, I bought into the mindset that if I got the right nutrients, I would be cured. And, in my mind, I had to get as many of those nutrients as possible as quickly as possible, so I immediately turned back to bingeing. But I was bingeing on a lot of high-nutrient hippie foods, so I didn't see a problem with this. I didn't understand that my relationship to the food wasn't fixed. I wasn't enjoying it, I was gorging on it, and between meals I was desperately anticipating the time I could gorge again. And because it was hippie food, I thought that this would cure me.

The thing was, after over a year of severe restriction, my GI system was wildly unprepared to handle the level of food-stuffing I was about to put it through - even though it was super-healthy hippie food. So I actually got sicker, experiencing the symptoms that come along with suddenly eating real portions after restriction. This led to me alternating between not understanding why the food wasn't working to cure me, to not understanding why I felt so addicted to eating. And this kick-started a violent binge-restrict cycle where I'd force myself to go hungry until certain times a day, at which point I'd unleash myself upon food and be unable to stop. Then I'd restrict again the next day to make up for it, get increasingly desperate for food, and you see the pattern. The binge-restrict cycle is so real.

So I was super trapped in that life and I wanted out. I knew I wanted to get out long before I actually started getting out. Because every time I binged, my immediate response was to hate myself and restrict. That was all I knew. By the time I even started to make a bit of progress on breaking that pattern, I had achieved enough real healing to understand that my restriction days had been a part of what led me down this hellish path and I didn't want to go back to that. To tell you the truth, in order to truly stay away from it - because I'll be real, I do get tempted to go back to restriction from time to time - I have to remind myself that while restricting feels like it would save me, it would only be a stepping stone back into that horrible pattern that kept me so sick and felt impossible to break. And I have to choose wanting better for myself.

Now, your story may not look like mine. So I'm not sure your motivation will end up looking like mine. But what do you need for yourself in order to want better for yourself?

You say you want to do this until you are sick enough. Can I just ask you to take a moment to ask yourself, what do you think is "sick enough?" Would you really stop when you got there, or would you just keep moving the goalpost until your body gave out? Because if you're stuck thinking "I have to do this till I'm sick enough" then believe me - you are sick enough. Your struggle counts. You don't have to wait until the damage is irreversible.

Because the thing is, when you start experiencing long-term sickness as a result - GI disorders, internal organ failure, etc - your suffering will be out of your control. Eating disorders feel like you're taking control, but you're not. And as someone who suffered with chronic illness for years, let me tell you, you don't want "sick enough." I can't tell you for sure what you do want, but allow me to take a guess. Maybe you want the validation that comes from being sick enough. Maybe you want to showcase how awful it got because you want people to care, to be concerned, to validate you. You want indisputable proof that you are well and truly fucked up, that you truly were hurt by whatever it is that hurt you.

The fact is, even some people who are sick enough to be on death's door, from some chronic illness or another, never get that validation or support. Our system is fucked up like that. But understanding that also means you don't have to wait for someone else to validate how hard you struggled and how much you've suffered. You're already sick enough. You don't have to wait for it to get worse in order to deserve better. So what do you need? What do you need in order to affirm to yourself that what you've been through is real? What do you need in order to feel you deserve to get better for real? What do you need in order to keep seeking out that desire to heal even when you're triggered as hell and struggling and forget all the breakthroughs you had once made and all you want to do is say "fuck it then, I'll self-destruct" because that's addicting in its own way?

I hope you're able to seek those answers in your treatment, anon. I hope you're able to affirm to yourself that you deserve to be more well than this, and to love yourself enough to fight for it?

#long post #recovery diaries #ed recovery #ana recovery #binge eating disorder recovery #healing journey #self affirmation #self worth

[softxsuki]

Hey han, i have an urgent request if you don’t mind. May I request mikey, Shinichiro, and Mitsuya with a ballerina girlfriend who is struggling with anorexia? As a dancer myself not only am I constantly comparing myself to the other girls in my class but I’ve been told by my dance teacher on a couple of occasions that I needed to lose weight, despite already being underweight. I’ve been in ballet since I was very little, but my ED only started when I hit my early teens and had just kept with me :( and sometimes it gets hard to keep dancing because I feel so dizzy and exhausted, but I still love dancing and refuse to quit

Mikey, Shinichiro, and Mitsuya (Separate) with Anorexic Ballerina Girlfriend

PLEASE DON'T READ IF MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDERS WILL DO YOU MORE HARM THAN GOOD. PLEASE

Pairings: Manjiro x Fem!Reader, Shinichiro x Fem!Reader, Mitsuya x Fem!Reader

Warnings: mentions of anorexia, starving yourself, being thin, food, people saying you need to be thinner, poor health

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Headcanons

Word Count: 1.5k

Summary: In which they find out about your eating disorder and comfort you about it

[A/N: Hello <3 I never mind an urgent request. But can I just say, I really admire your resilience to want to continue dancing despite what you're going through. That's amazing. Hopefully these headcanons are comforting for you and perhaps give you some options to use moving forward! ily, you're beautiful <3]

Mikey:

Just wanna start off by saying this man is obsessed with you; k thanks for coming for my ted talk–i needed to get that off my chest

He’s always noticed you’ve been pretty thin, but he’d brush it off as you just having a faster metabolism or just naturally being a little thin–after all it doesn’t matter to him whether you were thin or chubby, he’d love you regardless

However, little sirens do go off in his head as you continue to get thinner and thinner over time

What alarms him even more are the bruises that appear on your skin

He’s on full fight mode, thinking someone is hurting you behind his back and he’s ready to use full violence on someone

But eventually he notices how you avoid food whenever you’re with him and he offers you something, you try to naturally shrug it off, claiming you’re not hungry…but what were the chances you were never hungry when you were with him?

He just very blatantly asks you about it; Mikey has no filter, as soon as something comes to his head, he’s going to verbally express it

As a commander of Toman, he’s very good at picking up on lies as well, so please be honest, it’s not like he’d judge you for it anyway

Mikey is so supportive of you being a ballerina, he’d never be caught watching ballet recitals before meeting you, but now he’d never miss one of your shows, showing up front and center to support you (perhaps a little too loudly)

Anyway, when he finds out that you’ve been starving yourself because of comments from your dance instructor that you need to lose weight, along with knowing you’ve been comparing yourself to your fellow dance mates, he’s fuming

Dark impulses who? They’re definitely popping out here

Mikey’s hands are rated E for everyone, and that includes your dance instructor, so hold him back because he’d really be in that class making an example of her o,o

One you manage to calm him down enough, he’d bring you into his arms

“I don’t see why you’d compare yourself to those other dancers. Whenever I watch your recitals, my eyes are always glued to you and only you. You’re captivating on the stage, Y/N. Those other girls can’t even begin to compare to you, because they’re not you. And as for that instructor of yours, I don’t get this obsession they have with being thin. You’re already thin enough, and she dares to say you need to get even thinner? Is she trying to kill you? Ignore her and keep doing what you’re doing. There is no weight limit to being a ballerina. They come in all shapes and sizes and they’re all just as talented. Expect for you, you’re my favorite ballerina”

Just Mikey going on and on about how perfect you are

Knowing that you were struggling and putting your life and health at risk just to dance felt outrageous to him

He knows how much you love to dance, but if you continue to get thinner, he feels he’d have no choice but to pull you away from it until you have a healthy relationship with food again and can mentally feel confident in yourself to the point where other’s words won’t allow you to harm yourself again

He’s just worried and wants the best for you

Losing you and seeing you struggling like this destroys him, and he wants to see to the people who made you like this, suffer

Shinichiro:

You opened up to this cutie towards the beginning of your relationship about your eating disorder, so he already knew about it and was already doing his best to help you through it

Being a ballerina, Shin was your biggest fan

He’d bring the whole gang over to see your recital and the other people in the crowd are just frighteningly glancing in their direction lol, but shin made sure to tell everyone to behave as to not put you in a bad situation, potentially getting you kicked out

Though one day he came to see you practice in class and he overheard your instructor telling you, you needed to lose more weight to look the part of a ballerina, and he steps in immediately

“Exactly who needs to lose weight here? Y/N is a phenomenal ballerina just the way she is. She looks graceful and elegant on stage. Outshining any other ballerina in this room” he fumes, not meaning to throw the other girls down, they were all great as well, but his main focus was on building you up now since he knows how detrimental her words could be for you and your eating disorder

“I’d suggest you watch your words carefully. I won’t warn you again”

Let’s just say your instructor never mentioned your weight again

Of course he wouldn’t actually do anything to harm your teacher, but words were pretty powerful as well and he was glad they proved effective

“Now, I don’t want to see you looking down on yourself. I know you have a bad relationship with food. I don’t expect your habits to change overnight, but I’m not letting you leave for practice until you’ve at least had some fruit and toast or something. You won’t be able to practice properly, or go without fainting without nutrient in your body”

He doesn’t care if he sounds like a mother nagging at her daughter, he wants the best for you and he knows you won’t give up dancing, he’d never ask that of you anyway, so he’d do his best to make sure you were at least well enough to make it through practice

He brings you a light soup or salad for lunch, anything that would get any kind of food in your system

Step by step he’d help you through it, ready to defend you again if anyone has any unnecessary comments to make

Spends all his time throwing compliments at you, you’re his one and only pretty girl after all

Mitsuya:

Mitsuya was always your safe place, so you never held back when it came to opening up to him about your deepest secrets and darkest thoughts

You had just been speaking about your class, and you found yourself comparing yourself to the other girls in your class, being more negative towards yourself, while praising your fellow ballerina’s and Mitsuya has no choice but to stop you in your tracks

“Woah woah woah, darling. The other girls in your ballet class are all talented, like you say, but so are you. Why does it sound like you’re disregarding your own beautiful qualities?” He’s sad to hear you talk badly about yourself. How could you not see how wonderful you were in his eyes?

“I can see how much you love ballet by the way you perform. You put your everything into it and it shows. You’re beautiful, always the most beautiful woman in the room. I wouldn't be shocked if everyone in the room couldn’t take their eyes off of you, so why can’t you see that as well?”

He was right. Of course he was right. You were used to feeling bad about yourself, mostly from the comments others made about your body. On the scale you were already underweight, yet it still wasn’t enough for your instructor

So much pressure was always placed on you to be the perfect ballerina, even if it meant starving yourself

Mitsuya also knew about your eating disorder, it was one of the few things you never told him, but it was obvious enough for him to find out on his own eventually

He never told you he knew though, he wanted you to tell you himself, he didn't want to scare you off or make you feel like he was trying to take control of your life for you

So he’s shocked when you finally mention it to him, feeling exhausted of hearing the same words from your teacher and guilty from keeping it from him, you tell him everything

Mitsuya is adamant that you find a new ballet class; surely not all dance instructors were obsessed with the weight of their students to the point that they can’t see what a disservice they’re doing to their health

How can a woman make it through a physically draining dance practice with zero nutrients in her body to keep her energized?

That’s his solution–find a new class

Scared to start new somewhere else? You’ll always make new friends, but wouldn’t it be better to do it in a safe, comforting environment with a teacher who actually cares for the healthy and well being of her students?

He’ll even help you research other ballet classes if you decide to take his advice

As for your anorexia, he’d also help you with that

Whether you’d like to seek professional help, so you can talk it out with a counselor as well or not, is up to you

He’s not here to force you to do anything, but he does gently encourage you to eat little portions of something light everyday

Little by little until you can recover your relationship with food again without feeling like you’ll blow up

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 08/28/2023

#tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo rev x reader #mikey x reader #manjiro x reader #shinichiro x reader #mitsuya x reader #manjiro sano #mikey sano #shinichiro sano #mitsuya takashi #tokyo revengers x you #tokyo revengers x y/n #tokyo rev x you #tokyo rev x y/n #mikey x y/n #mikey x you #manjiro x y/n #manjiro x you #shinichiro x y/n #shinichiro x you #mitsuya x you #mitsuya x y/n #tokyo revengers comfort #tokyo revengers headcanons #tokyo rev headcanons #mikey headcanon #manjiro headcanons #mitsuya headcanons #shinichiro headcanons #tokyo rev comfort

[im-just-cam]

Hello. My name's Cam.

This is my last post ever. I'll be honest, the past few weeks have been really horrible. To me, Ana is like a persona, another version of me. All though I've tried to love and embrace Ana, she hasn't been that good to me. My hair has been getting thinner and thinner, my nails more brittle, I can barely stand without feeling dizzy and I'm always weak. I've been trying to romanticize Ana but there's nothing fucking romantic about it. It's honestly so miserable. And on top of that, I'm not even fucking skinny. I just thought "what's the point of starving myself and working out for 3 hours a day if no one can even fucking tell". I'm honestly angry and annoyed at myself. To think that I wasted all that time, obsessing over body image and calories, and I'm still the fat friend. I'm still fucking overweight. I'm not skinny. I'm fucking ugly. I hate it. I hate you Ana. I'm annoyed that I wasted so much time glorifying and romanticizing ana when I was so miserable. When most of the time I just wanted to disappear. I'm so mad that I wasted all that time believing that food was my worst enemy. I can't believe how hard I made it to enjoy living. I can't believe how much internal torture I put myself through. I can't believe I thought something as horrible as ana was part of me. I can't believe I just accepted that and never questioned myself. instead of hanging out with my friends and enjoying life, I was at home, in bed because I was so tired. What was the point of all that? I didn't gain anything from it except pounds. Yes, I gained weight instead of loosing weight. What the fuck man. Why would I do that to myself? I just can't believe how much fucking misery I put myself through, all for the sake of being 'beautiful' and skinny and perfect. You know what? Fuck being beautiful, fuck being skinny, fuck being perfect. I'm gonna live life like a normal fucking human. I deserve to be normal. I deserve to live life. Why did I make myself think anything different? So yeah, I'm just gonna stop caring. I don't fucking care about how many calories im eating anymore, I don't care about how many calories in burning. I don't care if I think I need to purge. Shut the fuck up ana. Honestly, shut up. Ana ruined my life. Fuck Ana, fuck eating disorders, fuck being pretty, fuck being perfect, fuck being skinny, since I can't fucking succeed at any of those, I'll just stop trying. What's the point? I'll never be pretty, I'll never be skinny, and I'll never be perfect. I'm disappointed in myself for ever thinking I could. I'm so disappointed because I thought ana was the answer. No it fucking wasn't. I'm done. I'm done trying. I give up. I give being obsessed with calories, I give up starving, I give up purging, I give up all of that ED shit. I'm fucking done man. I'm so tired of trying. I've tried so hard but never succeeded. I'm done. Fuck anorexia, fuck bulimia, fuck binge eating, fuck restrictive eating. Fuck it. I'm done. I can't keep living like this. I'm sorry to anyone who followed this blog for the ED stuff. I hope you can find your way in life. But as for me, I'm done. I choose recovery. This is Cam. Not 'kc4l-cam'. I'm done with that kcal shit. Fuck it. I'm out man. This is my last post ever, goodbye ED Tumblr. Goodbye.

#tw ana shit #ana trigger #tw ana diary #ed not ed sheeran #tw ed diet #tw ana fast #tw disordered eating #recovery #im done #done #what the fuck #fuck this #bye #leaving

[requiemsystem]

A few days ago, I was reading someone's stories about DID. They described having alters, or voices in their head (I can't quite remember their exact wording, or even if they said voices; all I remember is I resonated with it and began to wonder if I had OSDD/DID).

I felt like a huge faker immediately. My only real exposure with it had been with the Fake Disorder Cringe comps on YouTube (such shit, god). I realized that every time I'd broken down in suicidal hysteria, attempts, the 9-1-1 phone call, etc., it was an alter. I named her Em, or Emily; it just felt right.

For context, I am in a constant dissociated state from still being stuck in an abusive environment. My memory is not divided in terms of small events and things such as clubs, schools, friendships, etc--rather, it's divided in terms of trauma and pain. January was specific. My week at the hospital was specific. February and March are specific. End of March, April, May, June, are specific.

I can recall the feelings of depression and suicidality in the months before Mid June to Now, but Mid June to Now was marked by anorexia and recovery, etc. There are no other memories than anorexia/things related to it, and my abusive friendship which triggered the eating disorder. There was also a suicide attempt (three, but I don't count two. Why don't I count two? Because they are hanging attempts, and I have tried to hang myself so many times that they do not count in my brain. Asshole shit, I know)

But you see, I cannot remember other things unless I dig deep in my brain or look at photos from that time.

Another thing is, I have only been able to piece together a timeline of my trauma and memories from the very huge fixations (which kept me alive; magical thinking) I was obsessed with at the time, and also random ass conversations I remembered. There are only two to five of these conversations--and in (nearly) all of them I am watching myself from afar, like in a movie. Other times, a traumatic memory will pop up and I'll force an age out. Ten, eleven, twelve; the memories from when I was a preteen are so fucking mixed up and weird. I only remember the trauma, not what happened elsewhere.

I do have some other memories of events which I thought about a lot, but if I hadn't constantly thought about those at the time they would've disposed of themselves. Things do that now, I have no capacity to ruminate as I used to so they slip away silently into the void.

Honestly, nothing feels real; I am always watching myself from afar, and things are wishy-washy, blurry, and other people are floaty. Even the feeling of lust, which is very prominent for those my age, seems horribly muted and dissolved into a weak "meh" most of the time. People around me talk about this and that, etc etc, but the only time it was ever really prominent was when I was younger and punished myself with extreme feelings of guilt over it, or when I decided to starve myself of it and then use it to cope during Late March to June. I do think that it is more muted from psychological religious abuse about how I was a horrible dirty person because of it definitely muted it to ten percent of those like my peers, but there's not much I can do about it other than shrug.

My memory is basically that of a traumatized Wattpad OC. I am the equivalent of a twelve year old's angsty emotions coming out through a character (I was that twelve year old once, believe me the hell I put my characters through was...yikes) and goddamn it is nothing like the movies. It's always been painful, sharp, like reopening a painful scar; nothing like the tragically pretty depressed skinny girlypop with white skin and haunting blue eyes, so I never thought I could be depressed until I was like yeah shit I actively want to kill myself ://

I wish I could describe it better, but the one word that sticks in my mind is floaty, senseless, blurry, wishy-washy, soapy, etc. I don't have the vocabulary and trauma knowledge now to fully realize my own state, nor do I have the capability to realize how painful the memories are. To do that, I would need a permanently safe space to process them; and you can't really do that while hiding your every move and thought from your mother who merely views you as an identical doll who is an extension of her.

There are a few years until I'll be able to escape, and I'm also coping with the fact that the city I built up in my head (Seattle) has been exposed as it truly is with the case of a police offer murdering an immigrant woman from my country.

I still don't know what to do with these feelings; I want to scream and rip out my guts but I am too dissociated now to truly feel it. This is where Em comes in, she holds all of the pain and memories and raw knowledge of what I'm going through so I can function throughout the day.

I used to think of her as a voice in my head, the suicidal one. The one who would spam me with relentless thoughts of "I don't want to live anymore I want to die get me out of here I hate them I hate this I can't do this anymore life sucks please kill me please please please," and her feelings are so horribly overwhelming the only solution is to shove her shards back into my chest and dissociate again.

I think Em is the only one aware of the true horrors of my life. Usually, when I tell people things, they gasp and recoil in shock; avoiding me afterwards actually.

She is 5-7 years old--a child. She is eternally stuck in 2014-2015, and will absolutely fucking flip if you try to bring her into another year. I think this is because this is the age when the horrifying suicidal thoughts and internalized racism, facial dysmorphia started.

Last night I was trying to process one of my very first traumatic incidents (I was found watching videos of people vomiting at four years old. I was beaten mercilessly while screaming, crying, and begging to stop. These videos were allowed by my mother (the one who beat me) and she even joked about letting me watch them. I am not sure why she flipped out here; I think it's because she clicked on a video herself and disliked it immensely) and I decided to bring Em out. This incident happened in 2012-2013, and she screamed.

It felt as if someone was stabbing dull knives into my chest and stomach, and I could hear her sobs coming from inside me. She begged me so much, please don't make me go back, that's too far, I want 2014 not 2012, this hurts please; so I stopped focusing on the memory and instead tried to fall asleep (it was nighttime).

I'm not a very verbal person; I get teased because of my american accent, so I try not to speak as much as I can. But while Em was there, she made a noise; not even a word, just a noise of torture, and I could tell it was torturous and cruel to make her suffer like that. There is a reason why traumatic memories are distant and tethered off in my head, and forcing her to relive the shit that is a core part of her identity was obviously very stressful.

Whenever something reminds me of the trauma (yesterday it was a video talking about a father regretting not giving his car to his son, prompting me to remember my dreams about getting my license and my dad teaching me to drive--then, when he saw me for the person I truly was, telling me that he'd never even let me borrow his car to learn driving on and I'd never get my license unless it was on my own terms) she comes out--even right now I felt her stabbing through my chest, apparently just describing the trauma (which was a conversation from some of the most traumatic and emotionally terrorizing few weeks) prompts her to come out. I often forcefully shove her down, returning back to my state of dissociation, because (due to my environment) it isn't safe to have someone as vulnerable as Em out and there. She absorbs trauma like a sponge; any minor thing said to her will cause painful suicidal ideation. She told me, "you don't know what it's like holding all of these things in, [my name]. i have to keep everything in a nice little bag for you, [while you do nothing]." The last part in brackets wasn't said outloud to me, but certainly understood. She knows everything I do, even the fact that I'm writing this right now and use her as a dump for any and all unpleasant feelings, and obviously doesn't like it (who would?).

Unrelated to her, I've always thought I had different voices in my head, and thought I was a "quirky weirdo" for that. I've only now realized that most people don't have two to three separate chains of reason in their head which argue with each other, take hold of my brain, then leave once their job is done.

I suspect I have another alter, I always called them Caroline because during periods of extreme stress and fear they'd tell me exactly what I needed to do to avoid punishment and abuse. They'd help me check for bloody tissues (sh) and tell me how to hide them; advise me on when to wash my hands after cleaning up; invent lies for me; and even help internally defend me against people who hurt me. They'd leave as quickly as they came, but it was always like a special, energy-filled person was there who knew exactly what to do. Even now, they will talk to me.

And they don't even really come out in periods of deep distress either--a lot of times, they will just randomly come in and..."take over me," I guess, because I will act incredibly different and usually when I am back to my "normal" self I will realize that I was incredibly different right then.

I've been struggling so much with denial and feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred, guilt, etc etc etc feeling of being invalid and faking it.

What do you think this could be? I was thinking of maybe OSDD-1 (B) but I just really need to hear a third party's thoughts. I posted this on my main blog too, but yeah.

i want to tell you that i took several days to think of how to reply to this, i still am not sure what the best response will be i cannot tell you if you have OSDD or not. i am not qualified to diagnose you. if you are looking for someone to tell you "yes, this sounds like OSDD and you are a system", then im not that person. what i will say is that what you are describing sounds incredibly difficult to navigate and i am sorry you are experiencing this i will also say, as someone who deals with a lot of denial, faking is a conscious decision. if you did not consciously choose to fake a disorder, you are not faking it. it is possible to be wrong and mistaken, but thats very different from intentional faking if you havent already, maybe try making some form of contact with these suspected alters and see if they reach out. thats where we started, and just talking to eachother was helpful in figuring things out i wish you luck, and if you have any further questions, feel free to send more asks or DM us! - grey

#tw sui #tw sh #did osdd #did system #osdd did #osdd system #osddid #dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #actually did #complex did #c did #did alter #osdd #traumagenic system #osdd alter #osdd 1b #osdd 1a #did #osdd community #cdd system #actually traumagenic #traumagenic did #actually osdd #other specified dissociative disorder #complex dissociative disorder

[certifiedbitch777]

New Year, New Me?

Entry Date: 2/2/2024

I am currently 23 years old. The age I always hear carries the most tribulations for our early 20s, which has pretty much been my pain point as I have no idea what I'm doing in life.

Shocking, I know, right?

Before I got my current corporate job, I had so much passion. I want to try out everything in life. I wanted to be a writer, dancer, singer, actor, psychologist - Shit, I even tried to do IT because why the fuck not? I had so much energy and drive I felt like I could conquer the world. And yet, here I am now, and I have no passion, interest, or drive. I'm literally just floating in life right now, not knowing what the fuck to do next.

I'm in survival mode, to be honest. The only thing that is hardwired into my brain is the goal of getting this shmoney.

Despite all this, I still feel lazy since I have no ambition for anything outside of money. My mind is plagued by what I should and shouldn't do and all I can land on is 'I don't fucking know :|'. 

Regardless of this unclarity and lack of ambition, I only want a clear sense of direction. I want to get going already, but I don't know what steps to take. Again, I understand I'm only 23 years old, but still. I need that clarity to take action on a path I know I will be satisfied with, but once again IDFK.

There's no way around this phase at this point; It's inevitable. The only thing I guess I can implement is going on a deep assessment of my life (once again) and reviewing what is and isn't working for me. I've just been avoiding doing this because it is tiring and tedious.

Fuck, maybe I'm just being lazy.

I mean, tbh, it isn't fun; It just sounds like a load of work.

Damn, I think I'm lazy...

I mean, they say it takes 30 to 60 days to break a habit. I'll start looking into my bad habits and see what I can get out of that. 

Here's a list of my current shitty habits that I'll be challenging:

Sleeping before or at midnight: My sleep schedule is terrible for a variety of reasons, but I want to start sleeping before midnight to practice better sleeping habits. For reference, I typically stay up until 3am despite working in the morning.

Waking up before 8am: Okay, so this is mainly to be able to study for my permit (Yes, I'm 23 and don't know how to drive. Who's gonna check me??) and work out. This will also allow me downtime after work (5pm).

Consistent Oral Hygiene: Okay, before y'all supposedly clean freaks call me gross, I'm not saying I don't brush my teeth. I do, and twice a day at that, along with using my Therabreath mouthwash. I just need to be consistent with flossing, specifically at night. I've been getting better at it, but I want to implement it into my daily routine.

Taking Daily Medications: I suck at consistently taking my mood stabilizers, as it just makes me feel dreary and sleepy throughout the day. Since I stopped taking it consistently, my mood hasn't been the best. Needless to say, I'm not gonna do that anymore.

Working Out: I've been athletic for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, I've been on and off and want to get back to having a snatched waist with a phat dumpy. I'm already comfortable with my current size, but to be back in shape wouldn't hurt. I think I'll be sharing my journey with pictures every so often so that you guys can have a realistic peek into my journey.

Eating Habits: I need to eat healthier, PERIOD. I don't have the worst eating, but it's terrible for me because I'm very impulsive with food and suffer from an eating disorder. I have toggled between binging and starving myself many times in the past, so I want to try to find that sweet spot where I can eat healthily and not feel deprived to the point where I binge.

Prioritize Health: Both physical and mental. I suck at this and, at times, can let work take a toll on my everything. Last year almost broke me, and I don't want this year to be the same. I need to be happy and healthy. No comprising at all.

So yeah, that's my list. Once again, I'm just going to point out I am a lazy girl and I have terrible habits, however, I do want to make a change because I'm really tired of this loop.

I want to reach all of my financial, personal, and career goals this year so badly. The good thing is I have some steps to outline what I need to change. The challenge is pushing through to get the end result :\

Anyway, I will most likely post my initial progress for my journey for working out and do bi-weekly check-ins to track my progress.

This may sound corny, but New Year, New Me?

#new year #new year new me #new beginnings #self discovery #spirituality #self love #self ship #self journey #discovering #self discipline #growth #empowerment #struggle #workout #work in progress #black blogger #black girls of tumblr #roaring 20s #young dumb stupid #spiritual disciplines #black women #goals #new year 2024 #2024 goals #spotify

[kaddyssammlung]

ED - Related Sleep Token lyrics Part Two

Part one klick here

TW : ED (and yes it gets a bit graphic and also I mention my alcohol addiction and also SH; but I just mention it)

Sugar:

“Believe that though we never eat”

Again...maybe he means eating as an analogy for something else. Maybe being with Sleep?

But the lyrics have multiple layers and to me this just means starving yourself.

“We still know how to feed”

This reminds me of starvation and that strange need to kind of feed others. To cook for them or bake or buy food for them and never have anything yourself. That need to surround yourself with food.

The same lines together

“Believe that though we never eat We still know how to feed We still know how to bleed”

Eating, throwing it back up to the point where you start throwing up blood.

Things have happened...but it was again due to my drinking problem.

I guess the reason why I was not bulimic is because I hated throwing up because I did that anyway so often because of being hungover. Idk.

It's just something that occurred to me while writing this.

“Sugar I've developed a taste for you now”

I will never forget how I high I was on sugar. It was the moment I was not able to starve myself any more and I began stuffing my face my sugary foods. Foods that I had not eaten in over a year.

“Let my wrap the chains addicted to the pain”

The pain of starvation. But you can do more, right? At least that's what the ED tells you.

“Do you wanna see how far it goes? Do you want to test me now my love?”

Being tempted by food but being able to not give into the temptation.

And also my love...some have a tendency to see their ED as their partner and even give it an name. I never was like that but I can totally feel that.

“Things we buried low comin' to the surface now, my love”

Throwing up.

“You must be crazy if you think that I will give up the game”

Giving up on the ED.

Drag me Under:

“Drag me under Deep into your love”

Just wanting to be thin, wanting to be ED ed and having a romantic way of seeing this disorder.

Sometimes anorexia still comes knocking at my door and is like “don't you miss me? Don't you just miss it? How do you like your period, when you had me you were don't bothered by that stuff? Don't you want me back?

NO!

Bloodsport:

“I made loving you a blood sport I can't win”

I spent so many years in online communities with other humans who also had an ED. We also met in real life a few times. I travelled half across the country to the meet ups. Whatever.

Many that I know who had an ED also self-harmed.

so...”loving you” = holding on to that ED ; “made a blood sport” = made me self-harm. Often for punishment.

“You are still my weapon of choosing”

Holding on to this behaviour even thou you know that it does not serve you.

“I wanna choke up chunks of my own sins”

Again..that feeling of having eaten too much and seeking relief.

Shelter:

“And when you can't swallow your demons, you become starving”

Emotional pain can make you do many things. I can lead to believe that when you starve yourself your problems go away but they don't. You just add another problem to your already existing problems.

“Laughing at perfect death then you change, suddenly hollow you become starving”

It makes me think about someone who struggled with an ED for such a long time that she decided to end everything in 2016. You know what I mean.... And also it takes a lot of self-hatred to want to starve yourself to death.

#sleep token #sleep token lyrics #tw ed #ed recovery

[bioethicists]

how should a partner support a person trying to recover from anorexia? hands-off?

i’m never sure whether to try and say to them starving will interfere with their academic ambitions. i am so scared because they mix this anorexia with genuine concerns about eating healthily and exercising, and when i get worried it’s for the wrong reasons it hurts them

this is hard bcuz if i'm being honest, i was/am a fucking monster about defending my anorexia + i would lash out HARD when anyone tried to question me. so i would say- if/when your partner becomes defensive or even cruel when you try to voice your concerns, remember both your rights + needs as a partner AND that it's not about you but about the intense fear of losing or confronting that coping mechanism which may no longer be serving them. the hardest truth i've had to face in recovery is that deep, meaningful connection + anorexia exist in opposition to one another + you must sacrifice part of one to access the other

take my advice with a grain of salt BUT my recommendations as a partner + things that worked for me are

- learn what you can about ed recovery- true, robust ed recovery. in your ask, you mention "genuine concerns about eating healthily"- i highly recommend learning about intuitive eating + healthism + fat liberation + diet culture + whether or not "eat healthy and exercise" is actually a meaningful concept that can be divorced from diet culture. learning about diet culture together can actually be a very connecting + transformative experience @heavyweightheart has good posts on this

- refuse to engage in the ed reassurance spiral. things really shifted for me when my wife stopped entertaining my "is this shirt too tight did i eat too much is this ok for me to eat" talk + started saying things like "you look good no matter how tight your shirt is- why does it matter if it's tight? i would never tell you that you ate 'too much' because that doesn't really exist- i'm sorry if you feel sick, though! i'm never going to tell you that you can't eat". it infuriated me but those reassurances of "no babe u don't look ___, no you haven't eaten too much etc" just fuel the disordered belief that gaining weight or looking a certain way is Bad or that eating in a certain way is Bad

- model the relationship with food + movement you want your partner to be able to have. stop dieting, stop speaking negatively about your body, stop exercising punitively or to change your shape, stop moralizing food, start eating often + with joy. at the very least, this gives your partner a safe place to land when they're ready.

- tbh, people told me that anorexia would destroy my academic talent + i just ignored it + told myself i was special/different. i had to see it to believe it- and even when i did, i told myself it was because i was stupid + bad at anorexia (lol) + adhd + being too critical. i think it's a good thing for people to be made aware of + to at least learn the science behind why you are just neurologically not capable of functioning in the same way as you would be when eating enough calories but again, that takes a specific mindset to really appreciate

- make sure that your partner knows that you love them exactly as they are + recovery is not a precondition for loving them + you do not expect them to perform healing + you believe you could feel more connected to them and feel safer about their wellbeing if they confronted their ed

- in anorexia, there are no "genuine concerns about eating healthily and exercising" that are untouched or separable from the eating disorder. there is absolutely no amount or type of food that can be eaten that is more harmful than restriction, full stop. i hope you don't take this as me being harsh with you but rather me stressing that any fixation on eating "healthy" or exercising "enough" is going to be steeped in those disordered beliefs. most of the conventional wisdom about what that even means is rooted in unscientific + toxic beliefs from diet culture- your partner needs to eat enough, regularly, w/ as little limitations as are safe/feasible, and move in ways that make them feel good + do not cause any stress or harm to their body

tl;dr learn about what a healthy relationship to food/movement looks like + model it, show empathy and love without feeding disordered cycles of reassurance seeking, demonstrate both unconditional love + an eagerness/passion for them to recover, lovingly contradict your partner's "healthy" forays into restriction + exercise

#ed /

[conspiring-limabean]

If you feel attacked or called out by the post about thin non-binary people, please take a second to think about why someone might make that post. Do u recognize when a sentiment might stem from an axis of oppression which you haven't had to experience? you have the luxury of not knowing where you stand on the matter.

Do you clutch your pearls when people make jokes abt white people, or cis people, or straight ppl? Do you ever make mean jokes about carnists despite the fact that you know and love a few of them? compare your feelings toward these things with your feelings about fat people having derision about thin people, and ask yourself why your reactions are different or the same.

You must be someone who has a lot of love & care in your heart to live a vegan lifestyle. I would ask you to share a little bit of that love thru solidarity with the fat community even if you don't automatically know what to make about the posts people make venting about their experiences. Don't take it personally... this is an opportunity to learn about an intersection of oppression and to become a more aware person :) <3

sir it was a completely lighthearted jest. im not offended at all. i reblogged it because it is an amusing post.

ive talked plenty and openly about how fatphobia does affect and hurt me personally because of how my health freak mother tries to force obscenely unhealthy lifestyles onto me out of an obsession with staying skinny--not because she thinks I need to lose weight, but because she thinks I should be terrified of gaining weight. It is an anxiety-riddled task to go to the kitchen to get a snack because I'm terrified of her seeing me eat and going off at me about how I need to eat less. She tells me that when I feel hungry I need to find a way to ignore it and focus on something else. She has tried to make me take herbal gummies that are supposed to artificially suppress my hunger signals. I have to hide food in my room so that I can eat it without her seeing and lecturing me about how I need to starve myself. Like I can see where you're coming from I guess but I think you should understand that fatphobia affects literally everyone, including the people who live in fear and develop horribly unhealthy eating habits or disorders out of the society-conditioned paranoia of gaining a few pounds, which my family tries to force onto me despite me struggling to love myself regardless of how much I weigh

#i literally live in a house where i am constantly told that i need to live in constant fear of becoming fat #and that i should starve myself and ignore the hunger pains in order to prevent that from ever happening #and that i should be ashamed of ever gaining weight and that my body is only worth loving if its skinny #fuck outta here with your ‘you have the luxury of not knowing where you stand on the matter’ nonsense

[voidsquidd]

//TW// Suicide + self harm + eating disorders + abuse

-MASSIVE VENT-

Things are so bad rn omg, I hate that I feel this way at all, ik it's bad and ik it's only my fault

I don't have to be there for them, I don't have to deal with all of their fucking issues but if I don't then I feel like anything bad that happens is my own fault. And bad things do happen when I'm not there to help them. Sometimes I feel like I can't actually let them be alone for a day becuz I'm sure by the end of the day they'll be about ready to kts, and that has happened before.

We didn't talk for maybe a day and they almost offed them self in that day and almost relapsed into multiple different things, it was horrible and it was my fault for not being there to comfort them for a single fucking day. I love them but I legit can't do this, I'm not going to be able to be there for them as much as they need. I've already done so much, skipped school and missed out on hanging with friends becuz they were struggling, or even just outta paranoia that something bad would happen. Hell I can't even take a bath without worrying any more becuz ofc some shit happened while I was having a bath and now I'm scared to leave them for that long without being able to check on them

I wake up I check on them, I get ready and I'm always checking thru their messages that I missed to see what they say and they almost always say something bad, I go to school and I think about them and then at break I check on them and then I do the same at lunch, once I get outta school I check on them and look at the messages I've missed. They consume every single one of my thoughts

And then they lied to me, they fucking hid things. I stood up for them and said that the whole time I've known them, they've only lied once, but turns out they had been lying the whole time I knew them, they had been hiding shit from me and then got angry with themselves when they couldn't recover while actively triggering themself and bitching bout calories, like idk maybe ur not getting better becuz ur on about trying to drop to 200 becuz u used to be able to and apparently 500 is too much for u now, so sorry the amount I eat daily is for fat ppl, and maybe ur not getting better becuz ur counting the cals of individual mushrooms. If u wanted to get better then why are u doing this, and why are u hiding it from me, why didn't u tell me, why did u say u were fine when u were thinking about killing urself and why did u say ur sh wasn't tht bad when it was, when it kept bleeding, when it was infected. And u still didn't go to a doctor for u infected cuts. And why did u say that about me? I can't look at myself anymore, I feel like my body triggers ppl but u triggered me and now I wanna starve more than ever, if u hide things and say horrible shit on secret accounts I can do the same, and I'm gonna fucking starve myself more than ever, I'm gonna go days without eating, will my body trigger u then? U won't fucking know becuz u don't have this app

They won't go to the doctor for their head injuries either, they should've months ago but always found a reason not to and now the wounds healed and they've probably got fucking brain damage, the doctors won't find shit and they'll just keep getting hurt and losing brain cells each time.

Its like they don't wanna get better with how little they listen to my advice, I'm trying to help meanwhile they're acting like what is clearly sh is fine and that they're fine.

Be fucking honest for once

If this relationship fails is becuz I lost trust after the months of lying. I've already thought about ending it multiple times becuz ik I shouldn't have to feel responsible for all this, and that they would be dead without me, but I feel bad leaving them and I still love them

It hurts me sm but I do love them a lot

And idk if I could ever leave, even if this doesn't stop, even if they keep doing this and making me panic and feel insane, even if ik they're not worth it and that I could so easily trigger them over just calling out their bullshit

I think I might start threatening to leave them, otherwise they won't listen and they won't get better

If I hurt them they'll let me becuz their standards are so low anyway

Ik I'm not perfect but I sure as hell wasn't a liar until this point, I was actually trying but now I don't feel like trying becuz I don't feel like they actually respect me, I feel like they like the fact I help them and that's it, ik they'd settle for less then me but that's becuz they've been so abused they don't know how else to be treated, I really don't need to go the extra mile to make them like me when they'd like me even if I hurt them

Ik I'm not perfect but they've pushed me too far and I can't keep doing this

I hope they somehow see this, I hope they learn how it feels, how I feel. Idk how they would find this but they better and I hope it hurts them and ik I'm shitty for wanting that and ik I'll regret this eventually, ik I will

Ik they'll cry and hurt them self and maybe attempt suicide but rn I can't care

I want them to know how it feels

#vent shit #ed vent #sh vent #personal vent #vent post #tw abuse #toxic relationship #kms #i want to ⭐️ve #i wanna lose weight #self h@rm

[n1ntendos]

also idk where to put this because it's been quite literally eating away at me, like i know i need to talk to my actual partner about this rather than my diary or the internet, but i've talked abt it before on here how he is struggling with addiction, and as someone struggling with it myself i also understand completely.

he's been sober since november but whenever we talk about it he straddles the line between telling me he no longer feels the urge to do it and is glad he quit, but then talking about good memories he had of the past when he was in his active addiction, how he'd do it with his best friends (this is another reason why i really don't like hanging out with his friends, because this social aspect, according to him, is the most tempting thing that makes him want to do it again), how he misses those "good ol'" days, etc. like it just completely confuses me and makes me very upset. to clarify the substances we're talking about here is coke, alcohol, weed, xtcy, shrooms, and lsd. his addiction to weed is pretty bad and it was more of a social thing, coke he hasn't done since 2019 but says he misses it since it was a fun party drug and he doesn't see anything wrong with it, shrooms he does mostly on festivals. but while under the influence of all this he did very risky stuff that put his life in danger (crashing into a bus, driving under influence, drinking/doing drugs all day and night, etc.) that he sees as fun and honestly minimizes the danger of, in my opinion, then tells me i'm overexaggerating when i say it's dangerous.

alcohol, my thing, is something that is definitely tempting esp in social settings but is something i definitely do not miss, i don't have good memories associated with it, and it makes me feel awful, there's no pleasure associated with it. obv the high of weed and coke and stuff is incomparable to alcohol.

he says that he doesn't feel cravings because i help him through it, but then tells me that if he wants to start smoking again he'll do it, "sorry", because he's a grown man and it's his life, which just confuses the hell out of me.

i was the one who asked him to stop smoking weed because it made him binge eat and then starve himself (which eventually developed into an eating disorder) and have issues with other things, it also made me feel very far away from him, disconnected when he got high. he would also drive me when he was high and i was really scared we'd crash. that convo where i asked him to stop was really difficult and it felt like he minimized a lot of these worries i brought up, either to convince me or maybe himself that nothing was wrong, which made me feel really invalidated. and obv i didn't tell him i feel invalidated because i'm terrified of confrontation, and i felt like i was controlling him or being bossy by wanting him to stop.

i just don't want to upset him by telling him how i feel and the confusion of it because i don't know myself how the fuck i feel and how to properly articulate it, and this is a really complex and difficult issue, because i have a feeling he misses the time period he was getting high at and active addiction because it was fun, social, and nice, but at the same time he knows it's better for his health to be sober. i just don't know if i should even talk to him about this and HOW to even talk to him about this, because the part where he basically said "yeah sorry i'm a grown man and if i want to do it i'll do it" really hurt me for reasons i can't explain.

it all makes me wonder if this relationship is even worth it and if the future is something i see for us? because this is like the elephant in the room that is really painful for me

#addiction tw