#i love this part in the show they really understood wylan and jesper by showing each line with their face

[darjeelinh]

Jesper “guard against pain” vs Wylan “guard against joy”

Jesper’s jokester and confident façade was to protect himself from feeling pain, but inside he’s insecure and vulnerable. He hid his grisha nature because the only person who ever treasured it was taken away from him, and grew up being told that it was a curse. So instead he acts like he doesn’t need it. He acts like he takes all the losses and all the hurtful things in good stride but deep inside he’s feeling lost and guilty all the time. That boy is always bouncing on his feet with guilt all the time in the duology. Guilt for disappointing everyone: his father, Kaz, Inej, his mother, and himself. When he thought about Wylan at the end of SOC he thought Wylan wouldn’t want to hang out with criminals like him anymore once he got the money and that had stung more than he thought: it’s the boy inside him feeling abandoned again, the boy that does no good to anyone other than in a fight. And he cope with all that pain, that guilt, with his addiction and his gunslinging - which no one really paid any mind until Wylan saw through his façade.

Wylan, whose joy and hope was taken away from him by his father, was always made to feel less than, shared the same constant feeling of guilt for just being who he is. His father made sure of it, that he knows he’s not allowed to feel anything but anxious and guilt, and his joy was to be choked out of him (metaphorically and literally). Wylan in the show couldn’t even believe when Jesper told him he was smart, thinking it was just a trick to coddle him into some false sense of joy before it would be taken away again. Wylan in the books still holding on to the last shred of decency for his father until that moment at Saint Hilde, instead blaming himself for it, maybe because it would give him a false sense of control over his own pain. Until Jesper saw his own guilt mirrored in Wylan, and helped him to his feet.

Both Jesper and Wylan were able to keep some part of goodness in the face of everything that happened in their lives: Jesper with his good spirits, Wylan with his morals - standing up against Kaz again and again despite being threatened every time. In Jesper, Wylan learned to accept joy again, and that this won’t be taken away from him. And in Wylan, Jesper knew that he has a safe space where he can accept his pain and heal from it in a healthy way.

“You can love something despite seeing all of its flaws.”

Anyway, Wesper is each other’s safe haven.

#i love this part in the show they really understood wylan and jesper by showing each line with their face #does this make any sense im just rambling #anw welcome to my reread of soc and ck every time i pick one of the crows to hyper analyze #this time it’s jesper and wylan #wesper #wylan van eck #jesper fahey #wylan hendriks #six of crows #shadow and bone #shadow and bone season 2 #netflix shadow and bone #sab spoilers #crooked kingdom #sab #soc meta #kit young #jack wolfe #jesper x wylan #the lighting on this part is ATROCIOUS #soc spoilers #ck spoilers

[kazscrows]

Six of Crows Reread 🪶

Chapter 25: Inej

Six levels to climb in the dark with her hands slippery from sweat and the fires of hell burning below, with the rope weighing her down and no net to catch her. Climb, Inej.

Inej is, dare I say it once again, absolutely incredible

The way I probably squealed reading that she put Kaz’s gloves on the first time that I read this book

…she felt curiously guilty as she slid the supple black leather over her hands, as if she had crept into his rooms without his permission, read his letters, lain down in his bed.

The gloves were unlined, with the slenderest slashes hidden in the fingertips. For sleight of hand, she realised, so that he can keep contact with coins or cards or finesse the workings of a lock. Touch without touch.

Touch without touch

I really love the Inej notice and then realized what the small slits in the fingertips were for

Her and Kaz understand one another

But again her wearing Kaz’s gloves is just ajgaghfdgh

It’s almost like he’s holding her hand-

He’s right there with her in the shaft

Protecting her

Oh gosh they must be so big on her though

Inej is so strong though

She’s climbing six levels with seventy pounds of rope and she’s doing it free hand?? Like???

Daaaaang—

Climb, Inej

I hate that her shoes start to melt

It must’ve hurt so badly

Seeing what was happening had somehow made it worse, as if the rubber was fusing with her flesh.

Because it basically is!!

That’s gross and probably hurts so badly!!

They were all going to die – Kaz, Nina, Jesper, Matthias, Wylan – and it was her fault.

No. No, it wasn’t.

She hefted herself up another foot – Kaz brought us here – and then another. She forced herself to find the next hold. Kaz and his greed. She didn’t feel guilty. She wasn’t sorry. She was just mad. Mad at Kaz for attempting this insane job, furious with herself for agreeing to it.

And why had she? To pay off her debt? Or because despite all good sense and better intentions, she’d let herself feel something for the bastard of the Barrel?

Yeah definitely blame this harebrained idea on Kaz

He’s got quite a way to make people believe in him though, doesn’t he?

I had forgotten that Inej tried to escape the Menagerie

I just want to protect Inej at all costs-

“Is Inej Ghafa your real name?”

A strange sound escaped Inej’s throat, part sob, part laugh, a weak, embarrassing sound, but it had been months since she’d heard her own name, her family name. “Yes,” she managed.

Don’t mind me just sobbing on the floor

She won’t be called little Lynx anymore

Reduced to something no better than a animal

Nope

Hate Heleen

I’m kind if surprised she didn’t refer to her this way in the show though? Like at one point Heleen calls her “little bird” or something, but not little Lynx

No but I love the Kaz won’t let her say he bought her. It’s always that Per Haskell is paying off her indenture

It’s important to him that she never feels like she belongs to them

What happened to Per Haskell btw? They just didn’t include him in the show??

He’s kind of important… smh..

Maybe he’ll show up in S2

Anyways so basically Per Haskell is just loaning her money to pay off her indenture

She asks if it’s a trick but of course it’s not

The shadow of something dark moved across Kaz’s face. “If it were a trick, I’d promise you safety. I’d offer you happiness. I don’t know if that exists in the Barrel, but you’ll find none of it with me.”

A fake loan and offer of happiness is what got Jordie and Kaz Rietveld killed

Buuut… she might find happiness with you… someday-

It was as if once Kaz had seen her, he’d understood how to keep seeing her.

I love this quote

Kaz sees her. The real her

He told her she could be dangerous and he was right

She likes that she can be dangerous

I like to think that Inej’s parents receive her back lovingly without any judgement

Climb, Inej

This exact thought echoed three times in her head in chapter 12 too

She’s about to give up and let go-

But then…

Rain

It felt like a blessing, though she knew Kaz would just call it weather.

It’s okay to not think the same way as Kaz

I think it’s really beautiful that Inej never loses faith in her Saints and that she thanks them for the rain

I want to call that storm, she thought. And four million kruge might be enough to do it. Enough for her own ship – something small and fierce and laden with firepower. Something like her. She would hunt the slavers and their buyers. They would learn to fear her, and they would know her by her name. The heart is an arrow. It demands aim to land true.

She was not a lynx or a spider or even the Wraith. She was Inej Ghafa, and her future was waiting above.

So she climbed

First | Previous | Next

#six of crows #inej ghafa #kaz brekker #kanej #jesper fahey #nina zenik #wylan van eck #Matthias helvar #grishaverse #shadow and bone #leigh bardugo #reading #books #chapter review #kazscrows #kazscrowsreadssoc

[vole-mon-amour]

2x05, part 2.

Kaz is like, "Do I look like a person who's gonna do any of your nonsense?" And with those bruises, lmaooo. "My husband" what a sigh your 'husband' is, lmaooo. Again, she's the the only one who can pull that off. They can kinda flirt and are borderline romantic, but in reality they're such platonic pals. <3 I adore their relationship in the book.

WHEEZING. Only she can pull that off without punished for that, lmaoooo. I love how different her relationships are with Kaz and Inej. Inej is all sweet and can sleep with her head on Nina's shoulder. That's the partner she needs, not Kaz. Nina, however, can troll him as much as she wants, and will still stay out of his league. She's simply more powerful than he is and isn't intimidated by him even one bit.

I don't think Nina understands how hard this is for him. It's so rare for anyone to see the bare skin of his hands. I fully expected him to do what he is asked of without taking his gloves off. This is a very important moment. Such a rare sight. It feels weird, even, to see his hands with the gloves off.

It's like it's not even him.

Darling, put the gloves back on. :( My heart aches for him. They think it's all a joke until it's not. My question is, though, why didn't she try to slow his heartbeat? I don't remember anything about this in the book, unfortunately. She just felt how bad it was for him and maybe could've helped. But idk, if he's having trouble breathing, then the slowing his heartbeat would probably not help.

This is where I thought he'd fall into the water tbh. Bumping into so many people, with his hands bare, which also amplifies a panic attack. I'm glad Inej understood she needs to IMMEDIATELY back off. If they push that "I'll have you without your armor" bullshit, I'm gonna be very mad.

And for that moment, he's in a pile of corpses. He's five years old. Jordie is dead. He's alone in this world. He uses Jordie's corpse to stay afloat. And my heart breaks for him yet again.

Him sharing food with Jesper and Nina is so cute. Foodies. <3 I like their friendship.

Sharing those glances, that bond once again. <3 Kaz even shares a smile/a scowl with him. Jesper doesn't care. He'll endure whatever Kaz throws at him and still be so chill about it. "Now to the real talk, okie dockie?" And Kaz starts talking. Love it.

That's what I'm talking about. Wylan looks so unnatural. Baby, can you snap out of it please? On the other hand, maybe I should reread the book first before saying this. I don't remember if he's on the specter in any way. If he is, it's understandable. If he isn't, I'd love for him to be more alive and have more personality and be a valuable member of the Crows, like in CK.

WRONG. Big wrong. Oh, the book... What he felt for her, how he loved her. Matthias deserved better. ;_;

!!!

Nooo wayy??? That is truly something new. Get his ass!!

That's brutal. I don't wanna go there. I'm not ready. :(

The moment when Nikolai gives Alina his compass was nice. I remember from what I've read that they've become really good friends. I actually like seeing it in the show. I liked seeing this side of him, and it feels like they've cast a proper actor to play him? But i don't know much about him, so it's not up for me to decide. He's still good though, imo. The emerald though. It's for Zoya, isn't it? Don't remember how they end up there, but yeah.

That talk between Wylan and Jesper at the end. "Because it's not a blessing, it's a curse! And you have no idea what it's cost me." They did a lot of things about them wrong, but those words and encounters they have at their cores, both of them, had to be included. And I'm glad that they are.

Holy shit. So it IS in this episode. Jordie pulling him out, then drowning him back. It's 11 pm, I woke up at 6, how am I supposed to sleep now??? My goodness, I was waiting for this scene. Gifs!! I NEED GIFS!!!

#ninej #kaz brekker #nina zenik #kazper #wylan van eck #alina starkov #inej ghafa #sabn #natiswatching #nikolai lantsov

[but-ter-flie-ge]

Finally. My reread of Crooked Kingdom actually did happen.

I was way more excited for the second book of the duology. So my prediction consisted of me rushing through SOC and then starting CK a bit less as if the apocalypse is going to break out if I don't finish it within a few days.

Jokes on me: I got so excited about different scenes that I still flew through it. So my brain is jumbled and my life is falling apart but I guess I did finish it, no?

For my first read of the second book in the duology, I actually understood the hype a bit more. It granted us the last two background stories of the characters and had a whole lot more banter. Which is one of the strongest elements of the books. However, I feel like CK manages the riddles and hidden plans of Kaz way better. It feels more deliberate than just being based on pure luck. Not everything of course and it probably still is 80% luck but it is covered up more thoroughly.

There were just so many details I simply forgot and was shocked to learn about once more. Even things I hadn't fully understood the last time I read it.

The writing style is a bit more poetic in my point of view. I could be wrong but that's what it felt like and I think it gives the text an emotional smoothness in-between the edges that come with the fighting and the comedy.

Still the pacing is awry sometimes.

The point of view changes get so frustrating in some parts which I didn't feel too much in the first book.

If you shoot someone and the next page is a lengthy description of what the surroundings look like, I won't read that. Or I will read it but my brain will zone out of this universe. For others this may work but not for me.

What I need to add to this though is that when there is a brawl at the end of the one character it is almost certain the next one will experience something that reaches the same level of stress which makes the scenes afterward easier to flip through.

I did not like the Pekka Rollins ending in the church.

Kaz hasn't struck him or really confronted him through the whole length of two books. Now in all of this chaos, attention shifting every few seconds and nerves on edge for other reasons he decides to finally do what we waited for.

I understand that there probably wasn't enough space or time to write an extra plot point for this so I will just watch the show whenever I'm craving Kaz's vengeance.

One of my favourite chapters in the whole series got to be chapter 14 of CK.

It is also the only chapter that plays outside of Ketterdam and it almost feels like a bittersweet nightmare. Or a dream? It's so hard to decide how to feel, being torn from "Oh his mother lives!" To "Holy fuck his mother lives..." To "I can't do this- she painted him..." While everything plays in this unfamiliar setting dipped in the afternoon sun. Wylan is not just retelling what happened but we are actually there while it happens. It helps to stir my pot of emotions.

This song was running on repeat when I was reading this:

The time has come. Whilst we're at iconic scenes I have the physical urge to throw in the "Who the hell is Jordie" - Jesper Fahey.

My friends are probably already wailing over the fact that I'm once again explaining my issues when it comes to Kaz Brekker. I'm sorry, my dears. I love you all very much.

Book one he redeemed himself and even in book two at the end I felt lighter, the anger issues not going complete berserk when thinking about him.

A huge part why I didn't like him is caused by his anger towards Jesper. I established that in my first review as well but in CK this burning rage of and therefore for him just flames higher.

I understand why and how and what and when and blablabla but I still don't think it's acceptable. And I think the fandom handles it wrongly. Maybe this is because there are a lot of young readers in the community. (Even though the SOC duology has very morally grey characters and it shouldn't be young adult-- that's a discussion for another day.)

I know I'm chronically online for this but children listen: Kaz can't just stomp his bestie in the ground because he has PTSD. Why do you think Inej left before the same fate could happen to her? It's so painfully obvious it makes me convulse. Jesper already has doubts about himself and his right to be loved, have friends, be trusted. And that just worsens in the presence of Kaz and his jabs here and there. You also have to keep in mind that Kaz actively fed into Jespers addiction which were the cause of him accidentally betraying the crows. Additionally: who gave Kaz the right to speak for Inej? She is the one who got hurt and she's the one who will settle it. Which she did. (Brilliant scene by the way.)

The way Kaz reacts just strengthened my belief from the first book: he never trusted Jesper and he just lets out his pain at someone who was foolish enough to stay with him.

Now I know I've been antagonizing him a lot but it's my opinion on the fandoms matter not on the overall of his character because I feel like in the books it's perfectly clear that this is a fight where he's in the wrong.

Shockingly, my very one-sided view on Kaz changed. Otherwise I would've not enjoyed the book as much as I did. I hold the moments when Nina and Wylan say that he accepted them very close. Or him giving Wylan the heritage he deserves even if it was just to taunt Van Eck into madness I have the (most likely false) inkling it's not only that. Probably just another scheme to use Wylan later on but we don't think about that. When he tells Inej that Jesper is missed I felt like the Pekka Rollins incident was finally wearing off just as the memories.

And of course there's Inej whom he gifts her her ship and brought her back to her parents. We all love to see her happy and even if he earned the simp-stamp during this, it is still a scene that makes me tear up.

Talking about more scenes I like: the fights between Inej and Dunyasha are awesome. I find Dunyasha super interesting as well as the way Inej views her.

Her character design is fun and her belief system so twisted and messed up. I don't know it just was a "fresh wind" of insanity outside of the common crowd we already knew.

And Inej grew through her. Inej's character growth has always been kind of shoved in your face with very obvious metaphors but I learned to absolutely love and appreciate it this way. It leaves you with very impressive scenes that are bound to her with connections and further consequences.

Speaking of character growth: Matthias. We finally got his final big bear form. It's funny how he transformed from being this irrational crazy murder husband of Nina to kind of the innocent-not-so-innocent-simping-lovely-idiotic-diplomat of the group.

We all know how his story takes it's end though. And once again I find myself wondering if the pace is just too fast or the pov change destroys this particular moment. But I couldn't really engage in it. I found it sad but not in a way that really stuck and made me mourn his character which I find a bit unfair. Because he deserves to be mourned. No pun intended.

I'm surprised that I don't think it was unnecessary or something that was just done to hurt the reader. Or Nina for that matter. Maybe it is but that's not how it seems to me.

I think he deserves better, obviously. I think he could've survived and the book would've been just as good, maybe even better.

But he dies and I feel like it just shows how luck does run out sometimes. And all it took was a younger version of Matthias plagued by hatred and a clouded mind shakingly holding onto a pistol. Matthias did change, wanted to help and free his family from the ice but cruelly he wasn't given the chance.

Scenes I'm unsure about would also be the pure comedy gold of Jesper mistaking Kuwei for Wylan.

When I first read that I was so on edge. Why wasn't "Wylan" saying anything? Why's he randomely sitting there not playing? Why on god's green earth is he grinning? (Also side note: how the hell could Jesper say their first kiss would be a great thing as a distraction?)

Anyways oblivious Jesper kisses Kuwei and in turn this dude is just glowing with pride.

It is memeworthy and I'm happy it's not a messed up love triangle or any of those sorts.

Still the voices bro, the freaking voices! "How could this be used for a meme moment?"

I can live with it though. It's okay. The show gave us what we didn't have and I'm ready for further angst if the spin off does come out.

Conclusively I'd like to say that the books grew on me through the fandom, the show and maturing as a person. It's quite the funny journey. I'm going to reread my first two reviews now and see what bs my younger self created. Chances are high that I just repeated myself but that's okay. I'll just ride with that. Have a good day.

#soc #six of crows #nina zenik #kazzle dazzle #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #crooked kingdom #my tummy feels weird #review #booklr #my eyes are a bit dry #night night #matthias helvar #i frogot you my brother #sorry

[persephones-wren]

heyy! Could I request a Kaz brekker and reader fic where shes really sensitive and kind and the opposite of him and they're dating but he seems to be spending more time with inej planning a heist and reader gets jealous and during the heist she saved inej from a bullet, getting hurt in the process and tells Kaz,in a delirious state, that shes happy she saved inej for him and everyone helps him plan a picnic for her while shes healing and suprises her? Its quite a long request but it would be wonderful if you wrote it!! thanks💕

Ends of the Earth (Kaz Brekker x Reader)

Hope you enjoy reading! I had a lot of fun writing it :)

Warnings: reader gets shot, that's about it?

Genre: Angst to (minimal) Fluff

Word Count: 2126

You’re not sure how you could have ever expected him to return what you felt for him.

You and Kaz were essentially opposites- he was a hardened criminal, you were more of a person who just ran with the wrong people. He was mean and commanding, you were sweet and endearing. Where he’d kill people with no hesitation, you’d probably be torn over it for the rest of your life.

Though the Barrel seemed to have no room for someone as kind as you, you had found yourself to fit fine along with rest as someone to watch over the rest. Your skill of memorization was appreciated when Kaz needed to reflect back on a certain part of the plan, and besides, having someone counteract his cruelty was appreciated by the others.

Sometimes, like now, it was hard to be a part of the Crows. Watching Inej stand by his side, watching them work together like well-oiled parts of the same machine, it was bittersweet. You couldn’t help the jealousy that overtook you, but kindness was ingrained in you. You couldn’t hate him. You couldn’t hate Inej.

“So we’ll take them out there. Inej, I’m going to need your backup here.” His voice snaps you back into the moment.

“Got it.” She nods.

“Before then, though, You’ll be stationed here. Y/N, I’m going to want you to stick close to her. She can fight for the both of you in case anything goes wrong.”

You’re useless, you berate yourself. You’re going to need Inej to save you. Maybe if you could defend yourself the way she could, he’d like you more.

“Understood.”

“That should wrap everything up. We’ll meet at the usual spot tonight. We’ll take transport there and sneak in. From there, everything should go according to plan.”

…

Night quickly falls, and you’re all gathered.

“To reiterate, I’m going to go grab the paintings. Inej and Y/N, stick together and communicate when it’s safe. Jesper, you’re going to shoot out the lights when signaled, and make sure that carriages are ready when it’s time. Wylan, wait it out here with him. If all goes to shit, blow this place. Clear?”

Echoes of agreement echo from around you, and you nod. This should be an easy heist.

“Y/N, c’mon. Let’s head over this way.”

Inej takes your wrist and leads you to the edge of the building. Her stare is intimidating as she surveys the building, before turning back to you.

“I’ll scale the walls, and then I’ll use the rope to pull you up. We can wait on the top of the building for a bit, before slipping in through a window. That okay?”

Damn her for even being considerate to you. And you still have the nerve to be jealous over her. Her and Kaz are so similar- they’d be perfect for each other.

You still can’t find it in your heart to be completely happy about that.

“Y/N? You alright?”

“Huh?” you snap out of your reverie, and give a bashful smile. “Yeah, that’s good. I’ll spot you. Hopefully I’ll be able to get up there…”

Inej throws you a reassuring smile back. “You’ll be okay.”

You watch with awe as she scales the building with no issue, truly living up to the nickname she had been given. She’s nearly invisible as she reaches the top, you note. She’s incredible.

You wait on the ground patiently as Inej lowers the rope, before you hear voices.

You stare up at her, wide-eyed, before running and diving behind a tree.

“The wine good tonight?”

It’s a guard. Your heart rate quickens, and bring a hand over your mouth. Quiet your breathing. If they catch you, you’re dead, and you’ll be the dead weight of this mission.

“I don’t know, haven’t had a drink yet. Maybe once everyone’s gone. Ha! The Stadwatch won't penalize me if there’s no guests to guard!”

“Yeah, that’s the spirit! All we have to make sure is no scum tries to steal the painting.”

“Like anybody would dare show their face here.”

The other guard laughs, and you wait with baited breath as they finally round the corner.

You check both directions, before you quietly slip out.

“Inej?” you’re quiet and slightly shaken. Death and capture was always palpable on these missions, but it had come swinging at you quicker than you had expected. “You still there?”

“Yeah,” her voice comes from above. “I’m here. You’re fast on your feet. Good thinking.”

“Thank you, and thank you for waiting.”

The rope drops down for the second time, and you take a hold of it, pulling yourself up with a bit of her help. Your hands finally grasp the ledge of the building, and Inej extends one of her hands to help pull you up. You’re hauled onto the rooftop, and though it’s a bit ungraceful, you’re okay.

“Thanks,” you whisper.

“No problem.”

Your eyes are both directed on the walkways below.

“You scout out for guards down there, and I’ll check for guards in the windows? We should signal to Kaz soon.”

“Sure.”

You keep a careful eye down below, hearing Inej scurry to different window points. You watch as she slips to one of them, peering through.

“Just our luck,” she mutters cheerfully. “This window’s fine. Let’s open it. I’ll go first, but send a flare for Kaz. I’m going to need that window open as soon as that flare goes up.”

“Alright.” You take a deep breath, before shooting the flare off. Inej thrusts open the window and pulls you in behind her.

You watch a figure walk past the doorway. That should be Kaz, and now, he should be slipping past you to go to the next doorway to take the painting-

“To the roof again, now-” Inej says, and starts to step out behind the boxes, and the figure turns back.

That’s not Kaz.

A click.

She’s going to be shot.

You’re acting on pure impulse and nerves when you shove her aside, and the bullet pierces through your shoulder. You crumble, and Inej tries to keep you from completely collapsing.

You grit your teeth. You’re trying not to let tears stream down your face, but everything hurts and Inej is over you and she’s saying something but you can’t hear her-

You try to force yourself to sit up, and you see a cane poised to hit the guard over the head. You turn away, and thank your murky hearing that you can’t hear the scream that emits from the guard.

Kaz.

“What happened?” His voice is losing it’s cool quickly.

“She was shot by the guard, I don’t think she’s quite registering it-” Inej’s voice is more panicked, but she forces herself to be analytical. “She’s going to need treatment, and quickly.”

“Okay,” he breathes in sharply. “Okay. Go down the hall, grab the paintings, and meet Jesper by the transportation. I’ll get her out.”

“Okay.”

Inej dashes down the hall, and he takes in your state. Your pupils are blown wide, and you’re trying not to cry, but it hurts.

“Kaz,” you breathe out. “Thank the Saints. Is Inej okay?”

He frowns at that. What about Inej? Inej was fine, you’d been shot. Did you have no self-preservation instincts?

“Inej is fine,” he mutters.

“That’s good,” you sigh out. “That’s good. I don’t quite think I’m going to make it out here alive, so just in case I don’t, I love you. Though I’m glad she’s okay, for your sake.”

His frown deepens. “I’m sorry? For my sake?”

“You’re in love with her. She with you. You guys can live your happy ending. As happy as the Barrel can get, anyway.” Your smile is slightly delirious, and he knows you’re not thinking rationally.

“Stop talking.”

“I’m sorry, are you mad at me? Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t-” you cough, “think I’d die, but if it’s for you and Inej, then I think it’s worth it.”

“Nobody is worth your life,” he nearly yells. “You’re not going to die, Y/N. I won’t allow it.”

“Please, just let me stay here. They’re going to find you if you don’t.” “I don’t care.”

He’s pulling off his jacket and carefully using it as a tourniquet for your shoulder.

“Can you walk?”

“Kaz, please-”

“Can you walk.” It’s a statement, maybe a threat.

“Maybe- maybe with a bit of support,” your words are weak. You’re running out of time. “The world looks sideways, though- face it, Kaz, I’m not going to make it. I don’t want to be dead weight, your touch aver-”

“I’m not going to combust into fucking flames if you lean on me! Goddamnit, let me help you!”

His anger startles you. You hold back more tears as he pulls you up. At least he took the care to pull you up by the other arm. “Okay.”

The world is spinning and his face isn’t clear, and time seems to speed up as both of you go through the hallways, finally meeting Jesper and Inej in the courtyard.

“Bloody hell,” Jesper mutters.

“Go. To the White Rose. Nina should be able to do something.” Kaz leaves no room for argument. You’re passed out now, and he’s almost thankful you can’t feel anything as the carriage rushes through harsh weather and bumpy roads.

I don’t quite think I’m going to make it out here alive, so just in case I don’t, I love you.

Were you that oblivious? Did you think he was in love with Inej? How could you be so blind?

How could you sacrifice yourself so he could live what you thought to be a “happy ending”?

You didn’t plan it, did you?

He carefully takes off one of his gloves, hovering his hand over your forehead.

You’re still warm.

He doesn’t believe in Saints, but now, he’s almost praying to them that you’ll be okay.

Please be okay.

...

Inej glances at Kaz, standing over her in the White Rose.

She’s been out for days at this point. Nina could only do so much, with whatever corpse-like power she’d gained. The rest had to be natural healing.

Inej clears her throat. “She’d go to the ends of the world for you. For your happiness.” Kaz remains still.

“Don’t make her do so again.”

..

Your eyes flutter open, the brightness of the room nearly rendering you blind.

Your shoulder hurts like a bitch, but besides that, you’re alive.

Happiness and heaviness fill your heart at once. You’re alive, you’re okay. What had you said to Kaz in your state?

Hopefully nothing stupid.

“You’re awake. I’m glad.”

Kaz’s voice comes from the edge of the room. He’s leaning on the wall, cane in hand. When was Kaz upfront with his emotions?

“Yeah. How long was I out for?”

“A couple of days.”

“Days?” Your voice cracks. “I didn’t think it was that bad.”

That’s a lie. You thought you were dead, for sure. He doesn’t have to know that.

“...Right.” He’s skeptical, but pushes himself off the wall and makes his way over to you. “This may be a bit early, but would you want to go for a walk?”

“Sure.” Is he kicking you out of the Crows? Why would he want to go on a walk just after you’ve woken up? You’re screwed.

He waits for you to stand, and then you’re both walking side by side, into the gardens of the courtyard. He doesn’t say anything, just leads you to a small place under an apple tree. A picnic blanket is spread out, with a small basket laying on top of it.

Your eyes widen in surprise, and a brief smile flashes across his face. “Nice, isn’t it?”

“Kaz- what is all of this?”

“You said you loved me.”

Horror paints across your face, and you lower your head in shame. “I’m sorry, I didn’t, I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry, I know you love Inej, that- was a bit unprompted of me, I’m sorry-”

He blinks at your rushed words. “Y/N. I’m not in love with Inej. She’s part of the Crows, as are you. Though- if you mean it,” he clears his throat, “that you love me- then take this as a surprise first date.”

Your expression morphs into a shy smile. He’s probably not ready to say it back. It doesn’t matter. He feels the same way.

“Happy first date, then.”

You’re both talking and eating, small smiles on both of your faces, a stark contrast to the harsh atmosphere of Ketterdam. It doesn’t matter to him. You’re alive, you’re safe, and you’re with him. You’d go to the end of the world for him. He’d do the same for you.

He loves you.

#shadow and bone #grishaverse #six of crows #six of crows x reader #soc kaz #soc x reader #kaz x reader #kaz brekker x reader #kaz rietveld #kaz brekker imagine #thank you for the request! #request

[gemma-collins-ily]

OMG I LOVED your latest Kaz fic titled "Crossing of His Fingers and Ankles"!!! If you would, would you kinda do a part 2 of them making the (attempting to) watching the sunrise together a once a month activity and the other crows catching them asleep on the couch together and teasing them?

Form of Love

a/n - awwww, this is a little shorter but I really love it as of now! The cutenesssssss! Thank you so much for the compliment, and the request of course! I really enjoyed writing it xoxo ❣️💝

Warnings: nothing???

Tagged: @mrs-brekker15 (released early for you xoxo hope you feel better!)

This is the part two of Crossing of His Fingers and Ankles!

It would always end the same way.

Kaz half-heartedly cursed you internally for the sole reason that he used to be able to get through an entire night with only cold, long since brewed coffee and his will to work.

Now, it was all he could do to stay awake for a few hours into the night at most.

But he could never truly be mad at you: partially because his predicament was both benefiting him and ruining his business all at once. See, now he could get a proper night's rest and the bags under his eyes were gradually fading, it was true, but he managed to complete far less paperwork, no longer powering through till dawn.

This would be no problem if he weren't so stubborn in deciding that he specifically had to do all that paperwork on his own. There were others in the Dregs who would jump at the chance, needing something, anything, to fill their days, but Kaz simply hoarded his workload to himself.

Every month, you would figuratively drag him to the sofa, and if he were to blatantly refuse, you would only smile knowingly. Long ago was it acknowledged that you could persuade Kaz to do almost anything, to your mass benefit, and his mass disadvantage.

You only needed to be there, words unspoken yet present in your mind and he would be won over before you even opened your mouth to speak.

Yes, you only watched the sunrise together once a month, but you would spend every free night you had with Kaz, scanning over documents and each of you holding them before your face, pretending to catch the light to read fine print, when really, you were sneaking regular glances at the other over the papers.

He appreciated you giving up your time for him, and often thought you should use it for anything else, but in the end, he wouldn't ever stop your evenings together voluntarily.

It could be selfish, but your excuse was that he was still working, to which he would raise an amused brow. You did work together, although he'd eventually have his gaze on you for minutes at a time, it being too tempting to resist.

You did the same of course, admiring the strong tea shade of his irises and the slope of his nose, or his fingers moving nimbly amongst the papers.

When he'd catch you directly looking at his glove clad hands, he'd swiftly whip out a pack of cards and preform a magic trick, never ceasing to adore the twinkle in your eye that showed how marvelous you thought it to be.

After a while, he could bear to do the classic trick of palming a coin and pretending it had appeared from behind your ear. That sparkle of amazement made it worth it for him. It always would.

You were the only one he would willingly give kruge to, no matter how big the amount. Kaz desired to gift you the world, believing you deserved it and you constantly reminded him he had already given you all you wanted.

Kaz would always smile genuinely and warmly at those words, that crooked smile, the one that slanted minorly to the left and the one you loved. More than everything.

Now, he could barely stay awake long enough for your scheduled sunrise observing. When the first light made itself known, you would plonk down onto the couch, Kaz following a moment later, and you would revel in the sun drifting across your skin, plus the colours painting the skies.

Ketterdam was truly beautiful. You only needed to know how to see it, and when.

Kaz never actually looked at the sunrise for long, instead choosing to stare at you, enjoying the look of bliss on your face.

He may break the usual promises he made, and you futilely agreed to, knowing Kaz would allow you to slumber anyway, but he would never stop curling up on opposite ends of the couch with you.

That was the one promise he would always keep.

Inej was the first one to discover you together, vulnerable as you slept away, Kaz too.

She was ever the early riser and had knocked softly against his oak door, hoping to drop off the knowledge she had gathered on the streets and leave early, not needed until the heist meeting later that day.

When he had not answered, she had rapped her knuckles against the wood a little more sharply, then pushed open the door a crack.

She couldn't believe it when she observed you and her boss limp on the sofa, your head facing his way, and his lolling in your direction because you had been looking at each other, slow blinks hindering your view until you had drifted off.

He had forced his eyes to stay open just a little longer, if only so he could appreciate you for a small increment of time more.

Her eyes had widened comically and she instantly knew what she had to do. She shut the door carefully behind her, and tiptoed to each of the Crow's rooms individually.

Jesper groaned and held his pillow over his head, attempting to block out the noise.

"Jes, get up, you need to see this."

For Nina, she needed a slightly stronger approach. She needed to get them up quickly, she wasn't certain when you would wake. So, the Heartrender was woken by a nice cup of water to the face.

She spluttered as she came to her senses and Inej hushed her before she could shriek in shock.

"Meet in front of Kaz's office. There's something you've got to see." She hissed.

Once Matthias and Wylan were awake and up, they met up and Inej put a finger to her lips as she opened the door.

Nina spotted you immediately and awwed breathily, Jesper and the others following her gaze before simultaneously gasping.

Nina heard your heartbeat quicken and ushered them out, your eyebrows furrowing as you woke to fragmented whispers from what seemed to be down the hallway.

You decided Kaz should sleep in so snuck out of the room and to yours, dressing before jogging down the stairs to breakfast.

When you entered, the chatter abruptly stopped and your head cocked to the side, curious as to if you were being left out of anything.

Suddenly, a snicker was heard and you snapped your eyes to Jesper, who continued to chuckle before speaking.

"Having a good time with the Boss, were we?"

You groaned audibly as you realised they must have witnessed your moment together, ran a hand over your face and sat on a chair, muttering to yourself all the while.

"Kaz will not like this..."

"Not like what?"

He sounded concerned, it flimsily masked and laughter broke out again as you blushed, embarrassed.

"It's too early for this, guys."

"Hmm, you could always take a nap in Kaz's office?" Was Nina's teasing response, no hesitation in her tone.

Kaz's face hardened into the one he used during business, and when he spoke, his voice was cold as stone, "None of you will speak of this."

"Ever." He reiterated, making sure they understood.

As soon as he left, the snickering restarted and now you too joined in, finding the soft Kaz from the evening before and early morning hours of that day so contrasting to the one you had just seen.

The Crows would consistently burst into his office in the mornings after that incident, and Kaz became more alert, although never able to stop himself from falling asleep under the sun.

Usually, he would manage and as soon as they left, he would drop the facade and his head would gradually drop toward his chest, then he would shake out his limbs in an attempt to stay conscious.

You would wake as it happened and would either call his name quietly, or prance downstairs to grab him a coffee. It would rarely be black, instead you added just a tad of milk to sweeten the liquid.

Your shared advantage with Kaz was that they did not know you fell onto the sofa together monthly, and had only caught you together a few times.

At every opportunity they had in the Slat, they would poke fun and jest jokingly about you and Kaz.

Jesper would wink at you suggestively and you'd only drop your head into the table, Inej sometimes placing her hand between before your forehead smacked down.

She teased you a lot less than the others did, so glad for Kaz after knowing of some of his hardship, but would still join in with her own little quips now and then.

Even Nina and Matthias knew not to bring up the situation in public or in the Crow Club. You could be used against Kaz, and he would never want that, believing it could be one of the only things to break him.

Almost daily, you would end up asleep, head and neck supported by a cushion on top of the table.

And almost daily, Kaz would find his heart melting at the sight of you feeling comfortable enough to sleep and be at your most vulnerable with him.

It was a form of love only you shared, and it was beautiful in its own way.

Most importantly, almost daily, Kaz found himself promising you to wake you, all while beginning the crossing of his fingers.

And ankles. Just in case.

#kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker fluff #kaz brekker imagine #kaz brekker fic #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone x you #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone fic #grishaverse imagine #kaz brekker #kazzle dazzle

[morganayenneferburnham]

Have I Known You 20 Seconds or 20 Years? – Nikolai Lantsov Series

Chapter 1: Devils Roll the Dice, Angel Roll their Eyes

Chapter 2: You Did a Number on Me

Chapter 3: You Could Call Me Babe for the Weekend

Chapter 4: The Best of Times, The Worst of Crimes

Chapter 5: All I Know Since Yesterday Is Everything Has Changed

Chapter 6: That Night We Couldn't Quite Forget

A very short summary: Y/N has been working with the crows for a few years. Her life feels complete until she meets the insufferable Nikolai Lantsov. She finds herself forced to work with the King of Ravka on one of Kaz Brekker’s crazy schemes.

Word count: 2k

A/N: Coming back at you with an update!

I introduced Kaz's POV to make it a bit more interesting. Keep in mind that this is taking place a few years after the events of SOC and CK so Kaz has gotten a bit of time to heal. This chapter explores how the events of the night of the party affect Nikolai, Y/N, and Kaz.

Enjoy! :)

Chapter 6: That Night We Couldn't Quite Forget

It had been decided they would stay at the Hendriks’ mansion to prepare for the next part of the job. It would be easier to keep their plans secret that way and the mansion was much more accommodating for their group than the slat.

A few days had passed since Y/N’s troubling confession. It was true that Brekker seemed to be in a particularly sour mood every time Nikolai had tried to talk to him, but the king still couldn’t believe he’d send the Grisha back to the pleasure house.

Even if Dirtyhands truly was as ruthless as rumored, she was simply too valuable... and Nikolai didn’t believe Kaz was everything the rumors made him out to be. He hadn’t missed the hint of pride in Kaz’s voice when he talked about the many talents of his Grisha. Kaz even seemed quite possessive of the girl. Nikolai knew something else had to be going on. Y/N had to be mistaken. Kaz wouldn’t send her back to the pleasure house, Nikolai was sure of it. So why was she convinced he would? What had given her that impression?

Y/N had avoided him since that fateful conversation, but her distance had done little to clear Nikolai’s mind. Had he really imagined the hurt in her eyes when he had told her he shouldn’t have kissed her? Of course. He had to have imagined it. Surely, she couldn’t believe he didn’t want her. She was intriguing, brilliant, and absolutely gorgeous. How could he not want her? How could anyone not want her?

Nikolai couldn’t stop thinking about her. When his mind wasn’t trying to understand what had happened between her and Brekker, it wandered back to that night. The look on her face when he had pulled back from the kiss had been breathtaking. He had wanted to ignore the guard, ignore the job they had to do. He had wanted to stay in the moment, but that had been impossible.

Maybe he should go see her. He should apologize to her. For what? For kissing her? Or for saying he shouldn’t have? Maybe for asking Brekker about her? It baffled him to find himself so helpless when it came to her. He was usually so charming. Why was it so hard with Y/N? He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to know why she thought Kaz wanted to send her back to the Blue Iris. He wanted to be the one to comfort her. That was his problem. He had always wanted things he couldn’t have. He had always wanted too much. Nikolai Nothing. Nikolai, who has no right to his name. Bastard. Nikolai, who has no right to his crown. Pretender. Nikolai, who has no right to her heart.

“Nikolai! Are you even listening?” He flinched. Zoya sounded particularly annoyed.

“Of course, dear. You were going on about the report we’ve received from Tamar.”

“And what exactly does the report say, moi Tsar?” her raised eyebrow and amused smirk made it clear she knew he wouldn’t be able to answer her. Damn it, why does she have to know me so well?

A knock on the door saved him the embarrassment of having to come up with a poorly concocted excuse.

Wylan’s head popped in from the doorway. “Kaz wants to see everyone. He’s made progress with the plan.”

---

Nikolai and Zoya had made their way to the music room, following Wylan through the corridors. Nikolai took place on the back of the small couch facing the table Kaz was using as a makeshift desk. He was right behind the Grisha who occupied most of his thoughts. The chairs had already been occupied by the other members of their little group of misfits, and he figured he was better off leaving the last available one to Zoya. Though he would never admit it; his choice had been influenced as much by his desire to appease Zoya as his desire to be close to Y/N.

Maybe he should’ve thought about the consequences this particular sitting arrangement would have before taking place. He knew Kaz had started explaining something about the security of the base, but he just couldn’t focus on the criminal’s words. Y/N’s head was practically resting on the outside of his thigh and some of her hair was splayed across the fabric of his trousers. The flowery scent of her hair was hypnotizing. Nikolai couldn’t think straight. He wondered if it was as soft as it looked. Saints he wanted to feel it between his scarred fingers. He wanted to touch her. He wanted her.

He had wanted her since the moment they’d kiss. Since the moment he had felt her relax in his arms. If he was truly honest with himself, he had wanted her since the moment they’d met. He knew fairytales were just that, but he could’ve sworn the beautiful Grisha had cast a spell on him, just like in the stories his mother had read to him all those years ago.

---

Kaz had realized Nikolai wasn’t paying attention to anything he was saying. The King’s entire focus was on the corporalnik sitting in front of him. Kaz felt his anger bubbling inside of him. It was becoming a very familiar feeling when it came to the Ravkan King. Losing Jordie wasn’t enough? Losing Matthias and Nina wasn’t enough? Do I really have to watch her leave me too?

Inej had taken over, explaining what she and Zoya had discovered about the guards.

For a long time after Jordie’s death, Kaz had thought he didn’t really need anyone. He thought he hadn’t needed any human connection, but his crows had shown him otherwise. They had made him realize he wasn’t alone. He could rely on people. He could trust them. Losing Matthias had been hard on everyone and much harder on Nina than on any of them. Kaz had understood why Nina had left Ketterdam to go back to Ravka, but understanding hadn’t softened the blow of her departure. Kaz struggled every time he had to watch Inej leave on the ship he had given her even though he knew she always came back to him. He didn’t think he could bear watching Y/N leave their family to follow Nikolai back to Ravka.

It was funny, really. A former Drüskelle, wrongfully convicted of slavery. A Ravkan heartrender with a ridiculous appetite. A Zemeni sharpshooter with a gambling problem. A merchling runaway with a terrible father. A Suli indenture turned spy. A Kaelish corporalnik with a gift for getting on his nerves. This unlikely bunch of people had become his family. They had found their way into his cold heart. He rarely showed it, but he truly loved them.

He had already lost so much. He couldn’t bear losing anyone else. If that meant crossing a king, he wouldn’t hesitate to do it. He’d get Nikolai the plans and the prototypes he wanted, but that would be the last time he’d work with him.

Inej had stopped speaking. She was looking at him expectantly.

“Thank you Darling Inej.” The corners of his mouth quirked up, barely noticeable to anyone but her. “According to the blueprints, the antechamber to the vault functions as a scale. If any weight is added it triggers a defense mechanism. We’ll have to temper with the mechanics of it. I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. I’m hoping Wylan will come up with something.”

“On it, boss! I’ll take a look at the plans after this.” Wylan had really grown into his role with the dregs. Kaz still remembered the insecure boy he had first met for the Ice Court job.

Kaz nodded. “If triggered, the doors to the antechamber close and it becomes sealed before it fills up with water, drowning anyone inside it.”

“No pressure then.” Jesper piped up, his tone was way too jovial for the grim reality they were facing.

---

Y/N knew this meeting was important, but she couldn’t get her mind under wraps. She could feel Nikolai’s every movement behind her, and it was driving her crazy. She felt her hair move with his thigh as he shifted his position repeatedly. She had avoided him as much as she possibly could. She was trying and failing, to appease Kaz. Avoiding Nikolai had seemed to help keep her mind off him a bit during the day but at night her mind kept bringing up that Saints forsaken night.

The previous night she’d dreamt of him, again. However, it hadn’t only been the memories of their kiss. In her dream, they had been back in her room at the Hendriks’ mansion and, this time, the kiss hadn’t been part of an act. It hadn’t been Ainsley and Eoin Ó Ceallaigh. It had been Y/N Y/L/N and Nikolai Lantsov. That was ridiculous. Nikolai couldn’t possibly think of her that way. He obviously didn’t want her. Why would he? He was King of Ravka. He could have anyone he wanted. She was a Grisha indenture working for a barrel boss. She was no one.

That knowledge didn’t help her right now. Nikolai kept shifting his weight behind her. He was distracting her from the meeting, from her job. She couldn’t keep thinking of him. She needed to pay attention to Kaz. She needed to prove to him she could do the job. She needed to show Kaz she deserved her place with the crows. She had to stop thinking about Nikolai.

Kaz kept explaining the information they had already collected and what else needed to be done before the heist. She willed her mind back to the matter at hand. She managed to ignore Nikolai for the rest of the meeting. Keeping a strong hand on her mind’s reins. Kaz ended the meeting sending everyone on their way. There was still a lot to do before they would be ready to break into the military base.

-----

Kaz knew Y/N was lurking behind him. She had waited for everyone to file out before approaching him. He waited for her to speak, knowing she had something on her mind.

“You are going to send me back, aren’t you?” He heard the tremble in her voice. She sounded resigned.

He was surprised by her question. He had been expecting her to lose it on him for being in such a sour mood. He had been expecting a lecture not… whatever this was. “Send you back? Send you back where, Y/N?”

“The house of the Blue Iris, Kaz. I know you think I screwed up on the job. I know how much you hate people screwing up.” That surprised him. Of course, he’d rather have every job go perfectly according to the plan but that was improbable in their line of work. Why would he blame her for something out of her control?

A bitter laugh left his throat. “Is that really what you think of me?” Wasn’t he helping Inej go after slavers? Why would he send anyone to a pleasure house? Let alone a member of his family?

“I would never send you back there! You’re not people, Y/N. You are important to the crew… You’re important to me.” He knew he should leave it at that. “You’re a valuable investment.”

“But… You’ve been so… angry with me?” He could tell she was unsure, scared to make his anger flare up again.

“I’m not mad that a guard came back earlier than you thought, and that you had to improvise. It was the right move.”

“Then why are you mad, Kaz? What did I do?” He could hear the plea in her voice.

“You did nothing wrong.” That was true. He wasn’t mad at her. He was scared to lose her. Not that he’d ever tell her that. “I’m not angry with you, Y/N. My problem is with the king.” She looked at him, her eyes full of questions. He didn’t want to get into it right now. “You should help Wylan with the plan,” he said, dismissing her.

Kaz listened to her footsteps as she left. He still couldn’t believe she doubted him. He hoped he had succeeded in convincing her he never wanted to see her go. If he wasn’t more careful, he was going to push her right into Nikolai’s awaiting arms.

-----

tagged: @power-of-words23

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai Lantsov fanfic #nikolai lantsov fic #kaz brekker #the crows #six of crows #nikolai duology #leigh bardugo #grishaverse #nikolai series #my fic #ari's fic #chapter 6 #have i known you 20 seconds or 20 years #fic update #that night we couldn't quite forget #crooked kingdom

[no-mourners-at-my-funeral]

Slow Dancing

A/N: This is my entry for the 2021 @grishaversebigbang event. This event was honestly so much fun, and I loved working with all these talented people.

Corporalki: @franklevesque

Materialki: @worteltje7 @kerosene-art @corvidinacape @amethystmoonart

Summary: After learning of a valuable item kept in the possession of a wealthy mercher, the mercher’s upcoming party seems like the perfect opportunity to sneak in. There’s only one problem - the party is a couples only event.

ALSO AVAILABLE ON AO3.

Chapter 1

Anika shifted from where she was standing on the rug in front of his desk. Kaz had thrown out or sold most of Per Haskell’s old decorations when he had moved into the room, but he had kept the oriental rug. It was a very nice rug, after all.

“And…” Anika trailed off, her eyes darting to the painting hanging above Kaz’s head. “The Wraith’s ship docked at berth twenty-two two hours ago. A runner brought this.” She offered out a small, rolled up piece of parchment. Kaz took it steadily, fighting to keep the emotion from showing on his face. He unrolled the scroll, his eyes darting over the familiar handwriting. A quirk of a smile met his lips.

“Is the messenger still here?” he asked Anika.

“Yes, boss,” she confirmed. “He was getting some water, last I checked.”

Kaz grabbed a piece of paper with the logo of the Crow Club embossed on the front. He scribbled down a quick message and folded the paper into a triangle. He handed it to Anika. “Tell him to deliver this to the Wraith.”

Anika raised an eyebrow, but didn’t comment further. Kaz knew she would never spread rumors about his relationship with Inej. “Will that be all?” Anika queried.

Kaz gestured to the door. “You’re dismissed, Anika.”

As Anika turned to leave the room, a small girl brushed past her, still dressed in the liveries of a mercher’s servant. Anika shot the girl an unreadable look before leaving the room, and Kaz pulled out Rotty’s report on the Crow Club’s earnings. Whatever the girl had to say, it was likely to be a waste of his time.

“Boss,” the girl started. Trudie, that was her name.

Kaz shot her a single glance. “Yes?” Trudie was, to put it plainly, a terrible spy. But she looked like the kind of girls Kasper Brouwer, a wealthy merch, liked to employ, with her small size and her soft features. Replacing her would be more of an inconvenience than keeping her around.

Trudie shifted uncomfortably. “I - I got some information I think you might want to hear.”

Kaz crossed out one of Rotty’s markings on the ledger. Some days, it felt like this entire gang was composed of idiots. “What kind of information?”

Trudie was silent for a moment. “A heist,” she said, so quietly Kaz almost didn’t hear her. Almost. He gave her another cold look.

“Close the door,” he ordered. Trudie obeyed, and the door to the office clicked shut. She turned back to him, slowly stepping closer to him, as if she was afraid he might bite her. Well, if this information turned out to be useless, all bets were off. “What kind of heist would this be?” Kaz questioned.

Trudie glanced down at her feet. “Master Brouwer - Kasper Brouwer,” she corrected, “recently came into possession of a rare and precious artifact. A ruby ring, from the Wandering Isle.”

Well. That was interesting.

“You’re certain it’s legit.” He didn’t phrase it like a question. The Wandering Isle had had many rulers, many monarchies, enough royal bloodlines to provide enough blood to paint the entirety of Ketterdam a shocking red. He had no doubt that, if this prize was real, it would be worth a pretty penny.

Trudie was nodding, so quickly that her messy bun was wobbling with her movement. “Yes, boss. I overheard…” She paused. “Brouwer bragging about it. He’s had it installed in his showrooms.”

In his showrooms. This wouldn’t just be a little monetary gain, another droplet in the Dregs’ coffers. This would be stealing a priceless ruby ring directly from a mercher’s showrooms. Kaz’s reputation certainly didn’t need the boost - he was already king of the Barrel, his gang the most feared in Kerch. But he did love keeping the more uptight parts of Ketterdam on their toes.

“What kind of security is it under?”

“I -” Trudie bit her lip. “I’m not entirely sure. I know that… Kasper Brouwer has a rotation of guards in his showroom. And - he got a special case for it. A fancy lock.”

Kaz almost laughed at this.There was no lock fancy enough to keep him out, save for a rare few, and locks weren’t the only way into something. Instead, he kept his features, pulling out an unused roll of parchment and holding it out to Trudie. “I want you drawing out everything you know about Kasper Brouwer’s mansion. Every speck of dust in a dark corner, every cobweb on the ceiling. Understood?”

Trudie took the parchment gingerly, like it might shatter into a billion pieces if she so much as held it wrong. “Yes, boss.” She was relieved, Kaz realized. That the conversation was over, or that he had found her information good enough to plan a heist off of?

“You’re dismissed, Trudie,” Kaz told her. “I expect those plans on my desk by tomorrow morning.” His eyes darted over the pile of papers on his desk. “And send Roeder in.”

“Yes, boss,” Trudie said again. She left the room, leaving the door wide open. Kaz glanced back down at the ledger he had been correcting only moments earlier, but now it seemed dull in comparison to the plans he was formulating. Everything seemed dull when his brain had a puzzle to figure out.

And Inej was in Ketterdam. It had been so long since she was last here, for Jesper and Wylan’s wedding, nearly six months. They had been sending letters, of course, but it wasn’t the same. She was as famous as he was these days, if not more so, and while the merchers whispered about her in fear of their own organizations being exposed, their indentures believed in her, more surely than they would in any saint.

Kaz was startled from his thoughts by someone entering the room. Roeder was there, and he was smart enough to shut the door behind him. “You wanted to see me, boss?”

Kaz set down the ledger. He would deal with Rotty’s math skills later. “Yes. What do you know about Kasper Brouwer? Would he happen to be taking a vacation to Ravka any time soon?”

Roeder’s brow furrowed. “Why would anyone go on vacation to Ravka?”

Kaz rolled his eyes. “Maybe he wants to see the huge swath of darkness that’s now turned into just a normal place? It’s becoming quite popular for pilgrimages, I’ve heard.”

“None of the merchers believe in the Saints,” Roeder responded.

Kaz shot Roeder a glare. “Then where does Brouwer vacation to? Ahmrat Jen? Djerholm? Belendt?”

Roeder shook his head. “Brouwer isn’t vacationing anywhere, boss. His family hasn’t even left Ketterdam in generations. 

Kaz sighed. “Well, what does Kasper Brouwer have on his schedule?” he asked. “A weekend at the gambling dens? A dinner party with all the other merchers?”

Roeder seemed to think for a moment. “He is throwing a party for his anniversary,” he said finally. “He’s been married to his wife, Hilde, for something like thirty years. I think.”

Finally. “Excellent. What do you know about this party?”

“Hilde planned it,” Roeder replied. “She wanted a masquerade ball. Couples only. You could send me in with that pretty new bartender at the Crow Club?”

“I don’t play matchmaker for just anyone, Roeder,” Kaz responded easily.

This was going to be much more complicated than Kaz had anticipated. The party was the perfect opportunity to sneak into Brouwer’s mansion and steal the artifact - Trudie may have brought some useful information in today, but she didn’t have enough experience for him to trust her enough to nab the ring on her own.

He would have to send two members of his gang in, preferably ones that were either really good actors, or were already involved in a relationship. He didn’t like it, but he didn’t like the idea of putting himself in that kind of scenario with one of his lieutenants even more. He wasn’t immune to the way some people looked at him. The only person he could ever trust in that sort of position was Inej, and he would never ask her to do that.

Just my luck.

Kaz pulled out yet another sheet of parchment, making a mental note to get one of the lower-ranking Dregs to buy him some more. He folded up the letter and this time placed it in an envelope, sealing it with the Dregs’ stamp of the crow and cup. He handed the letter to Roeder. “Take this to the Van Eck household.”

“I’m not your messenger,” Roeder protested.

“And I’m not required to pay you,” Kaz fired back, “but I still do.”

Roeder gulped. “Yes, boss.” He left quickly before Kaz could dismiss him. Kaz glared down at his stack of papers. Slowly, he gathered them up, holding them against his chest with one arm while grabbing his cane with the other hand. It was a nice day, and he hadn’t exerted himself much physically today, so at least his leg didn’t hurt as badly as it did on some days. Most days.

The ground floor of the Slat was busy, as it always was in evenings when there wasn’t a heist going down. There was a rowdy card game going on in one corner, with little pastries being used in place of chips, and some of the newer recruits were singing a rowdy drinking song. At another table, some of the older members were having a passionate argument about something. Kaz ignored all of them, heading towards the staircase in the back of the room. He had moved his office downstairs, but he still spent most of his nights in his old rooms on the fourth floor.

He paused when he got to the door to his old rooms. It was open, and a light breeze from the window brought in the scent of smog and something coppery. But his focus wasn’t on the window, but on the person sitting on the sill.

“Inej.”

Inej slid down from where was sitting, shooting him a small smile. “That note you sent was certainly something.”

“Which note?” Kaz teased, returning the smile. “I seem to recall I’ve sent you quite a few.”

Inej laughed, the sound just as precious as the first time he had heard it. She sat down on Kaz’s bed. The attic room was small enough that Kaz could have reached out and touched her from where he had sat down at his desk, setting down his pile of papers and leaning his cane against a set of drawers. Slowly, he worked off one of his gloves.

“What trouble have you gotten into?” Inej asked.

“I think the Slat needs a makeover.”

“Oh really?”

“It’s not nearly intimidating enough.”

Kaz gently placed his discarded glove at the corner of his desk. It was almost funny, seeing his bare hand held up against the other one, still in a glove. Kaz held out his hand to Inej, and she immediately grabbed it. Immediately, the waters rose, but they had done this enough that Kaz wasn’t drowning in them anymore. Her hand was warm and familiar. Slowly, he rubbed his thumb over her skin.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

“It’s nice.” Inej sounded relaxed. At peace.

Kaz sighed. In the dim evening light, she looked beautiful. She was still wearing her sailing clothes, a loose shirt and light pants, and her hair was pulled back in a braid, though a few stray strands of hair had escaped. She had gotten taller in the two years she had been hunting slavers, and she smelled of sea air. Kaz knew they both had changed over time, hopefully for the better.

“Someone brought a heist to me,” he told her as he looked over his papers. “Apparently Brouwer has some valuable ring begging to be stolen.” Kaz noticed Inej’s concerned look. “You don’t have to worry,” he assured her. “I have spies in the Brouwer house and the heist itself isn’t nearly as complicated as stealing that DeKappel was.”

Inej squeezed his hand. He could feel her steady pulse under his fingertips. “Are you…?”

“No,” he answered. “Not at first. Jesper and Wylan will attend as guests to Brouwer’s anniversary dance. Couples only. One of them will let me in, and I’ll get to Brouwer’s fancy show room and figure out whatever lock he has on that case.”

Inej was silent for a moment. Kaz let her think, dropping a correspondence from the Harley’s Pointers from his desk to the large wastepaper basket beside it. The other gang kept trying to insist they were entitled to the Dregs’ new property where the Emerald Palace had once been, since apparently Pekka Rollins had conned them to get the money for the original building. Well, their empty coffers were their problem to solve, as far as Kaz was concerned.

“I can scout the area around Brouwer’s mansion for you,” Inej offered, “if you like. When is the party?”

“This Friday.”

Inej raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to plan a jewel heist in two days?”

Kaz gave her hand a nonchalant squeeze. “How are the seas?”

Inej hmphed. “Why do you always change the subject?”

“I spent a lot of money on that boat. I do hope you haven’t scratched it up.”

Inej laughed, and Kaz couldn’t help but smile as he glanced at her. “There it is,” he muttered.

#original #fun stuff #kanej fanfiction #soc #six of crows #gvbb #grishaverse big bang #gvbb2021 #gvbb 2021 #grishaverse big bang 2021 #kanej #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #kaznej #crooked kingdom #ck #grishaverse

[alesreadings]

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo.

5 stars.

“No mourners. No funerals. Among them, it passed for 'good luck.” If we added as soundtrack Gimme Gimme by ABBA to this book, it would fit. Can y'all imagine Inej, Jesper and Wylan stealing the tank and running away with that song on the background? Masterpiece. *chef kiss* Six of Crows is by far one of my favorite books. I read it two years ago, after the Grisha trilogy and I have to admit that Leigh Bardugo has improved tremendously as a writer. I consider this a much better story than her main trilogy. The plot, the characters, the writing, the pacing, the descriptions, the worldbuilding and the breadth she has given it is perfection. I'll go in order to describe how much I loved this book. In Six of Crows, we follow six misfits who have a common goal: thirty million kruge. They have to go to the Ice Court in Fjerda, the "safest" prison in the world and rescue, or kidnap, Bo Yul-Bayur, a Grisha who accidentally created a drug called jurda parem, which sharpens and increases the Grisha's powers, taking them to high and unknown levels. We have a sharpshooter who can't stay away from a good bet. A wayward son who was kicked out of his father's house and is underestimated, but is very smart. An ex-convict accused slaver, the world's most handsome, lovable, and idiotic fjerdan brute, out for revenge. A lost Grisha who makes a living healing people and trying to get the fjerdan out of the jail he put him in. A suli girl who is basically a ghost, the Wrath, a spy who defies the laws of gravity and is a sweetheart of a person. And finally, our favorite swindler: the Bastard of the Barrel, someone whom legends have turned him into a monster, someone without scruples, without morals or conscience. Will they be able to unite to achieve their goal and come out alive? Or will they end up killing each other before they reach Fjerda? Plot. As I said, compared to the Grisha trilogy, Six of Crows is perfection at its finest. It's not the first heist book (I've only read this one, sorry), but it grabs you from the first moment. I love that Leigh has taken up the Grisha again - I must confess that I love the Grisha order and how she has placed them - and that in this book she continues to include them as a fundamental part of the plot. Just like the first time, Six of Crows grabbed me, although I never understood why Joost and his chapter, I did feel bad that he was all dead. Each chapter had me hooked and begging for more. Even the very end left me screaming and crying like crazy. I have to repeat it: Miss Bardugo, this is a masterpiece, an exquisite and divine piece. Every plot twist had me in suspense or saying "I need more". It's a more radical departure from what we were given in the Grisha trilogy. They steal, explote things, destroy places and make great entrances, lol

Characters. Kaz "killer cane" Brekker. I want to protect him, and at the same time beat him with his cane. His story is touching at a certain point and makes you understand how or why Kaz became who he is now, why he is such a bastard, arrogant and fearless at the same time. There is never a challenge hard enough for him as he dares to prove otherwise. He shows us that he is one step ahead of the rest, and if he runs out of tricks, our demjin manages and invents more. Dirty Hands is a magician, a monster thirsty for revenge for the death of his brother, Jordie, thanks to a scam Pekka Rollins pulled on them when they were just kids. Kaz is full of secrets, tricks, schemes and more that it's scary to know what he's thinking. He's a bastard forged in the very cauldrons of hell, a seventeen-year-old kid who worked his way up through tooth and nail, using his brother's corpse to swim and get to where he is. Inej "The Wrath" Ghafa. Inej was captured and sold as a slave to the cursed Tante Heleen, who owns a brothel. Inej has the ability to go unnoticed, so much so that Kaz Brekker did not feel her approaching him. In any case, Kaz pays Inej's contract with Heleen and joins the Undesirables, becomes Kaz's right-hand man and his spy, or spider. Kaz and Inej are obviously in love, but they don't confess it to each other because it's complicated, and I don't know if I want to yell at them to kiss, or punch them to make them realize it. Inej deserves the whole world. She can stab me and I would appreciate it. Nina "my queen" Zenik. Nina had joined the Ravkan Second Army and was captured before the civil war in Ravka, she was imprisoned by the drüskelle to be taken to Fjerda to be tried for her crimes, which are basically: having powers. She is a heartrender, order of the Corporalki. She met my other goddess Zoya Nazyalenski. Well, anyway, Matthias was one of the drüskelle who imprisoned her and when their ship sinks, she saves him. Nina and Matthias wander around in each other's company and in the end, she brands him a slaver and Matthias ends up imprisoned in Kerch. One can feel the tension between them: enemies to lovers vibes, yup, I live for that. In the end, to save them all, Nina decides to consume jurda parem and knows that she will experience drastic changes in terms of her power and herself. Matthias "the tulip" Helvar. He is my beautiful baby, the most adorable bear and the cutest brute of all. You don't know how much I have laughed for him, he is so innocent in many things that I want to protect him from everything and everyone. Yes, I have a thing for blond brutes (Nikolai Lantsov, I'm talking to you too). From the first time I read Six of Crows, I instantly fell in love with Matthias and will be in love with him until I die. Amen. I already know what happens to him in Crooked Kingdom and I don't want it to come to that. Seriously he deserves all the love in the world, and even though I wanted to punch him many times, I also wanted to hug him and tell him that everything is going to be okay. In the end, Matthias renounces the beliefs that were instilled in him, accepts reality and becomes a Dreg, fighting against his own people. Jesper "crazy hands" Fahey. Jes is a Zemeni boy who came to Kerch to study at the university, but by chance, he ends up becoming a gambler. Jesper is a Grisha, a Materialki, and only Kaz and Inej know his secret. He is a fairly agile sharpshooter and a gambler who can't resist a good game without knowing he will lose. In a slip of the tongue, Jesper confesses what they are about to do and as they are about to leave Ketterdam, they are attacked. Jesper is a baby and I must protect him from all evil and danger. Plus, I really ship him with Wylan. Wylan "little merc" Van Eck. Another baby. I want to protect him from everything and everyone, especially his bastard of a father. Ugh, I hate him. When Jan Van Eck proves to be the jerk he is in front of his son, I wanted to cry with rage because my little baby boy doesn't deserve any of that. Wylan is smarter than others give him credit for, and

even Kaz thinks that just because he can't read doesn't stop him from doing amazing things; he doesn't put it that way, but I do. Worldbuilding. We find ourselves in a totally different country from Ravka. In the Grisha trilogy, we focused more on a description of Ravka, but now, we have two different places: Kerch and Fjerda. Although Shu Han, Novyi Zem, and Ravka are mentioned again, Ketterdam is a fairly fixed point. The description of the places is incredible: you seriously imagine it as a Dutch city in the Victorian era. Tell me I wasn't the only one. I don't know what else can I say about these assholes that I haven't already said. They're so chaotic, funny and you attach to them really quick, even if you want to kick them. I can't really believe they're 16-17-18 years old: they feel really older and "mature", but once you know them, you realize they're a bunch of kids trying to make a heist. Anyways, I loved Six of Crows with my entire life. I'm a sucker for this masterpiece and I'm really looking forward Crooked Kingdom, but knowing what happens to my tullip makes me wanna cry, scream and destroy the world. We stan Kanej, Helnik and Wesper, bitches. I love my Dregs. :')

#six of crows #soc #leigh bargudo #edit #edits #mine #recs #recommendations #favorites #adventure #action #badass male mc #badass female mc #books i own #duology #fantasy #high fantasy #fiction #lgbt #magic #romance #young adult #5 stars

[kindness-ricochets]

Prompt: “You’re wrong and I’ll prove it.”

Soulmate au wesper, because I am soft and live for this stuff! Basically soulmates start to dream each other’s memories. 

At one point, Jan Van Eck implies ace people don’t have soulmates, but only because he’s a hateful monster. That said, ace-phobic and ableist language because… Jan is a terrible person.

This is very much an incomplete fic! The ending isn’t really an ending. But it is an idea. Kind of a summary. But, soulmate au wesper fic!

----------------

The dreams started early for Wylan. He was eight, mourning his mother, and he had tried to cry himself to sleep quietly because he didn’t want his papa to know he was doing anything so babyish. That night, he dreamed of a sky so bright and blue that looking up into it felt like looking up from the bottom of a clear pond, a sky so bold it must have a physical form. He dreamed of a lazily bobbing fringe of orange petals and sticky-warm sunshine on his skin.

Wyaln was eight years old, too young for those dreams, and no one had sat him down for a talk about them. All he knew was that suddenly sleeping was a safe place. When he closed his eyes, he might leave behind the chill of the Van Eck mansion.

————

Twelve-year-old Jesper shook his head. No. “I’m tired, Da.”

“All right,” Colm said, in a way that was bigger than his son’s remark. He put aside the book of Saints’ tales. “What’s going on?”

Jesper shrugged.

“Right,” Colm said again. “Come and sit with me.”

Jesper didn’t know what it was that kicked up in him, that feeling like a dry summer wind taking foot. He didn’t know why he felt awkward at the concept of sitting with his father. As soon as he did, that wind inside him died down. Colm was a steady, reassuring presence. Like always.

“Did something happen? At school, maybe?”

Jesper shook his head, resettling against his da. He toyed with the buttons at his cuffs. His hair was getting long and Colm brushed it back from his forehead.

“Jes, are you… have you been having dreams? Unusual ones?”

For a moment, Jesper went still.

“It’s all right. It’s a regular thing at your age, you’ll start having dreams about places you’ve never been. Those are memories from the person you’re fated to love.”

—————

“Would you like to see Novyi Zem some day?”

Wylan shrugged. “I’ve been to Weddle.” But that was a long time ago. He was fourteen now, well past any age at which his father would take him… anywhere.

“It must have made quite the impression,” said his tutor, a friendly enough girl from the suburbs. Her family had money. Not a lot. Her family had enough money to whet her appetite for more than just comfort, enough for her silence to be easily bought. For when she… realized.

Wylan refused to like her. He was polite but he refused to like her. If he liked her, he might let something slip.

“That’s the third time I’ve caught you drawing jurda blossoms on your chemistry papers. It’s all right, the answers are correct.”

“I didn’t—those are jurda blossoms?” Wylan had never used jurda. He knew what it was, had heard of it anyway, and he had seen the stains on people’s teeth. But he had never actually seen jurda itself.

“Why were you drawing them?”

“I see them in my dreams sometimes.”

It was a mistake, telling her that. Because she told his father.

Jan Van Eck regarded Wylan across the dinner table in a way that made Wylan want to feign illness. Being along with his father always made him itch.

“I had hoped,” Jan said, finally, “that you did not have those dreams because you did not have those inclinations. It would save us the potential embarrassment of your defect being passed on.”

The comments hurt, but Wylan showed no sign of it. He was used to hearing these things.

——————

Jesper’s soulmate took his breath away. He had known a few things: that he was fated to be with someone growing up in Ketterdam, someone with an eye to finer things. He had once seen a flash of nimble fingers. It was rare to see any physical part of one’s soulmate in a dream, but as soon as he realized, he understood. Kaz’s hands were more than just hands. They were something secret and unnamed, something exceptional.

Sometimes, it was enough to keep Jesper away from the tables. Why did he even feel the pull anymore? He was with his soulmate. That itch inside him should have gone away. Sometimes he kept himself from playing for a while.

Other times, the utter lack of acknowledgment sent him right back to the games.

They were walking home one night when Jesper’s resolve finally broke. He had been six months with the Dregs, long enough to prove his worth with his guns and to question it with his bad luck at three man bramble. It was long enough that Jesper had the tattoo of the crow and cup on his right forearm. He had been disappointed in Kaz’s reaction. All the Dregs bore the tattoo, but Jesper had wanted Kaz to see his tattoo and think it was special. He wanted to see Kaz’s tattoo, so they could compare with one another, show off what they shared… but Kaz had only given matter-of-fact approval.

“So,” Jesper said, stretching his long arms over his head. He hated a stakeout. Luckily it ended in gunfire, so he couldn’t be too grumpy about it. “What were your dreams like?”

“What?” Kaz rasped.

“You know, your dreams. About your soulmate.”

Kaz snapped, “I don’t have those,” and quickened his pace.

Jesper could have caught up, but he didn’t want to. He stroked his revolvers, still warm from the fight. Obviously he knew about Kaz’s dreams—they were his memories!—and obviously they were fated. So why was Kaz unwilling to tell Jesper what he already knew?

#six of crows #soc fanfic #wylan van eck #jesper fahey #kaz brekker #soulmate au #my writing

[remainingso]

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON KING OF SCARS???

HELLO FRIEND okay so uhhh i hope you wanted (-checks word count-) nearly 2.5k of meta. Because. That’s what I have. I clearly have so many thoughts on King of Scars. 

So without further ado, let’s dive in!!! (spoilers ABOUND like literally EVERYWHERE under the cut) 

To start: I wanted to love this book so, so badly. In fact, I find it basically unratable? I loved the first 50% with my entire heart and the latter 50% just felt like… the world’s longest disappointment. Ultimately I think this book could’ve been so much more, and the reason I’m kind of mad at it is that it promised me so many things that it never ended up delivering on.

So! Sections, because I’m articulating my salt, dammit.

on breaking open your world

One of the things I loved the most about the first part of this book was the sense of scale we were finally getting from the world. it made sense for Ravka to be isolated in the original trilogy—the whole plot was about getting rid of the Shadowfold to open it back up to the rest of the world. And we got glimpses of the wider Grishaverse politics in Crooked Kingdom especially. I thought King of Scars was going to finally be the book where we go GLOBAL in scope. I adored all the political talk early on—I genuinely thought we were building up to some sort of fantasy World War I! The Zemeni navy starting to challenge the Kerch hold on the seas! Messy alliances between the countries!

I wanted so much more of that—I wanted to know more about why there was war brewing. A lack of resources? The Zemeni new and hungry and eager for more? Fjerda wanting a holy war against the Ravkan Grisha presence? Kerch Greed? I wanted to see what Ravka looks like at war with something outside of itself. I wanted to see Nikolai struggle over how to protect his people and his land. I wanted to see him mess up. I wanted to see him make difficult decisions about how to govern.

Instead, I got half a book of…training montage.

And instead of widening the world globally, we got a lot of Lore.

(Just so much Lore. I really didn’t need to know the origins of why the Grisha are named after a diminutive of Grigori, man. That felt lame and kind of defensive after years of that criticism lol.)

Right off the bat: I didn’t like the revelation of the Saints being real. I didn’t like the weird in-between location Nikolai and Zoya spend literally half the book in. First of all, I never thought that Bardugo’s magic system was built on the most solid of foundations, and I think that this attempt to deepen the mythos, essentially, does more harm than good. I end up with more questions than answers: how does it count as mutual sacrifice when you make an amplifier if you don’t actually die and there’s one obvious dominant consciousness? How does it work that you can become one with an amplifier and then someone else can then become one with you+amplifier? Is there a limit to how many times you can do that? WHY were these particular Saints drawn to the shadowfold? And, beyond that, what are the Saints in service to? I think Bardugo tried to dig into the nature of her religion, but I don’t understand the fundamental Core to this belief system: who’s god? Without god, who are the Saints being martyred for? And when people pray to the Saints, what values are they purporting to uphold? I feel like these are all sort of central questions you need to make clear when you go deep into religious world building, and because she focused so much on the Saints without answering those questions for me, it ultimately felt kind of cheap and hollow.

And because Nikolai & Zoya are…basically stuck there for the whole second half of the book, we don’t get to see them actually interact with Ravka as it is? There’s a lot of narration about Nikolai thinking of what Ravka means to him, but that’s ultimately meaningless for me if I don’t see him make any decisions in service to her. He’s isolated and cut off from the government! This is a book about a King who never does any real King-ing.

the feminist aesthetic

This book has a very empowering aesthetic. And by that, I mean it claims to be empowering without actually supporting that with textual events. There are a lot of nice quotes about powerful women, but at almost every single turn, it undermines the power the women in the book have.

so Let’s Talk About Zoya

I love Zoya! I think YA needs more girls like Zoya, who are unapologetically mean, who gets to be ruthless and prickly and aren’t seen as wrong for it. I love that Nikolai clearly wants her to step on him. I love so much about her.

What I don’t love is how the narrative treats her.

I don’t like that she lets herself be drowned over and over and over, all so Nikolai can level up—and she doesn’t even punch him in the face for it after? She just literally smiles and lets it happen. Why does she have to be reduced to the precious thing he’s fighting for? Why does she have to suffer to force him to action? I love that Nikolai thinks Zoya can be Queen—but, does he really? He says he does. But he literally doesn’t listen to her a single time in the book. And she has good suggestions! Killing his dad? Would’ve solved their problem at the end where he aligns himself with the Fjerdans. Not listening to Yuri? Would’ve solved their entire Darkling problem by the end. Pick a bride? Stay in Ravka? Kill the Darkling at the end? All really good ideas! The book tells us that Zoya can be queen, and then spends the entire run-through relegating her to support role. What does Zoya do for herself? I don’t like that in order to have her “level up” they took away her power, and then had a man give her his power in order for her to thrive.

Okay so this line: “Men looked at her and wanted to believe they saw goodness beneath her armor, a kind girl, a gentle girl who would emerge if only given the chance.” I LOVE this idea so much. I love the notion of like a girl who doesn’t need to be saved, because she isn’t soft underneath; she’s all steel. But I can’t help but feel like the scene where Zoya confesses how she got her amplifier in the first place basically entirely undermines this concept. I thought, going in, that we were going to get a story about baby Zoya who snuck out in the middle of the night to stake a kill for herself, a baby Zoya who stole the tiger out from under everyone’s nose because she was wanted to show them all she could do it, and she didn’t mind the blood on her hands. I don’t like that we got a story about how she wanted to protect the baby cubs instead! I don’t like that this bonding moment between Zoya and Nikolai is one where she…reveals the kind, gentle girl underneath her armour. I didn’t want the story of how she got her power to be rooted in her secret maternal compassion for baby cubs; I wanted her to be ruthless. I wanted her to have killed and regretted it, maybe. I wanted that moment between them to be one where she tells him about her raw ambition and bite, and he understood that about her.

I’m not super here for all the… women have to suffer in order to Overcome vibe either? I mean it’s Bardugo’s prerogative, and I’m not saying it’s problematic or anything, but just that she has a history of making female characters necessarily suffer for growth (see: Genya, Inej) and I don’t like how Zoya’s trauma backstory with being exploited by a shitty man falls into that pattern. Why can’t she have been just angry? Why does she need a reason?

the shu han problem

I’ve had a long-standing issue with the way the Shu have been depicted in the Grishaverse, and this book did nothing to alleviate that. To start off, the strange Mongolia-China mashup culture is problematic in and of itself. In the Original Trilogy, we get the sole asian martial artist teacher trope full blast; not good! I never talk about this, but I actually hated how the Shu were treated in Six of Crows. I really do love that duology, but I sure don’t like that the Shu are…basically one dimensional villains throughout. The committee gets called “greedy” explicitly out of all the other committees present at the auction in Crooked Kingdom? Kuwei doesn’t get to speak for himself, and his entire storyline is basically a proxy for Jesper and Wylan to get together. I still don’t even know what his personality is like.

So I went into King of Scars hoping for…something more. Something better. And I mostly came away cold.

I still feel like we don’t know anything about Shu Han. Sure we know they have poetry. And a single instrument. But the matriarchy thing is so often used as a lazy shorthand to make a foreign country seem interesting and more foreign that I feel like it doesn’t tell us anything. What’s their word for Grisha? What’s their relationship to the Grisha? Are they evil, like in Fjerda? Wanted, like in Ravka? What’s their religion? What do their people believe in? Why do they want to go to war with Ravka? We’ve seen nuance in how a country can be a beautiful place even if its government holds terrible tenants: look at Fjerda. Why don’t we have the same nuance here? Sure, Tolya and Tamar exist, but they’re framed as like traitors? And on the Good side because of that? I don’t like that their number one allegiance is to a white girl, in the end. I don’t like that we got almost nothing from either Ehri or Mayu about their relationship to their country. I don’t like that Mayu was basically forced into helping her country, so we still have this… villainous view of the government & everything it stands for. I don’t like that Ehri is literally still a disposable girl, DESPITE that we supposedly have this matriarchy happening. I don’t like that they’re literally forcing her to marry Nikolai. I don’t like that they framing is the benevolent (white) protagonists, swooping in to save this naive princess from her monstrous home country.

I think Isaak’s POV is ultimately kind of useless and only there so we feel sad about him dying at the end. Functionally, we don’t need Isaak’s POV to know that there’s a fake Nikolai, and not much actually happens that only he can know about. Why couldn’t we have gotten Mayu’s POV? We know Nikolai’s elsewhere; so as soon as “Nikolai” shows up we’ll know he’s a fake. Why don’t the Shu get a voice?

the man of the hour

hey if you’ve made it this far, I’m going to talk about the Darkling now! (…yay?)

So this book spends like 90% of its run subtly reinforcing that the Darkling was Wrong and his ideas were dangerous and that overall he was bad for Ravka. it’s hard not to see this in a sort of metatextual bent—a lot of what Yuri espouses is what the fandom reaction to the original trilogy was and continues to be: That he could’ve ruled Ravka and led them into glory. That he was misunderstood. That he deserves to be worshipped. And I thought the existence of the Cult of the Starless Saint was a clever nod, a sort of guiding hand for Bardugo to reinforce the message of the original trilogy. That message being that like, guys, he’s kind of a shitty dude. And would’ve been a bad leader. I thought there was something really interesting she was doing here about how people always will gravitate towards powerful demagogues. That powerful men often are heard above all.

But I thought she was going to like… refute that. Alina’s entire war was to get rid of this fucker. The original trilogy told us that powerful men can be defeated. That who we should want to emulate instead are the girls who fight against them.

And now he’s back.

I can’t help but feel betrayed. I can’t help but feel like bringing him back, especially as the culmination of the book, reinforces the idea instead that, actually, the whole goddamn grishaverse revolves around him. That Yuri was right. Because he was. He was right about the visions, he was right about the return of his saint, and so what does that mean this book is saying about the voice of this powerful men? That it deserves to be heard? The Darkling gets the very last word of the book—it’s hard not to think that this is what the whole thing has been building up towards, in the end.

I don’t actually think that Bardugo is trying to say that we should all worship the Darkling. But I do think that this was a clumsy move that inadvertently muddles so much of what came prior—and for what? A cheap twist?

on expectation and disappointment

again, at the end of all this, my point is that the core of my issues is that the book simply doesn’t deliver on a lot of what it set up. It feels like I read two different books. I don’t expect this book to be perfect, but I find it hard to forgive a lot of the faults I find when the feeling I came away from was ultimately…dissatisfaction. I felt empty, finishing. I feel empty thinking about it. I’m just really sad about all the things it could’ve been—because I think it could’ve been so great.

There’s so much I loved! Like I said, the entire first 50%? Gorgeous, magnificent, showstopping. I adored all of it. The underground bunker! The science and magic mingling! Nina and Matthias!!! And there’s stuff I don’t really want to get into because it gets nitpicky lol (some logistics stuff with Nina’s plotline near the end). But basically I likened reading this book to feeling like I was on a rollercoaster, and super enjoying the cranking climb upward for the first half, and then, instead of the swooping, exhilarating fall, the entire track just collapsed underneath me.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m happy to talk about it and I really enjoy discussing the parts I loved! And I’m happy to field anyone who wants to tell me why they loved it, because, again, I would love to love this book. Please. Convince me. But at the end of the day, I’m sad and I’m mad and I’m disappointed. What a bummer.

#king of scars spoilers #Anonymous

[gemma-collins-ily]

Jesper with s/o who really knows how to kick ass (aka sis was trained by someone)

Jesper with a Trained S/O

a/n - I love the pairing of Jesper and the pet name honey too much aaah. Also this was written over two nights when I was half asleep so forgive me if it isn't top notch xoxo 💗💝

Warnings: fighting, poison, bruises/cuts but no real mentions of blood or anything

so

Kaz obviously employed you because of how amazing you are at any type of combat

but when asked the specific reason, he had only responded with a cryptic answer that gave the Crows nothing

"They're an asset to the team. Just as all of you are."

you would train at extremely early hours of the morning, often seen jogging back up the stairs to your room drenched in sweat right when others first awoke

but no one knew what you were actually doing

until Inej caught you in the training room in the Slat, practically beating a punching bag

the funny thing was, you didn't look as though you were a street fighter, one who had developed their own adapted technique that would get them by in a scrap

your punches were calculated, muscles flexing in just the right way and stature perfect

it was the ideal stance for a real fight in a ring

she didn't say anything and instead decided to get up just a little earlier each day in order to observe you

she was caught when she let the door creak accidentally, but instead of kicking her out of the room you only offered to leave so she could use it

she refused and said she'd rather watch you

and she did from then on, you having no protest or apparent problem with it

sometimes, you'd go up against Inej and circle each other warily, not daring to underestimate the other

you had only been on a few low level heists with the Crows at that point, Kaz mercifully easing you into the work

but it was noticed by Nina that whenever it was necessary to run and hide, you could sprint with full stamina and hardly break a sweat unless it was done for a long amount of time

she also noticed your heart rate barely raised

she brought it up once

"Ugh, (Y/N), I'm so jealous, you literally must be super-human, how are you so energised?"

this was said through panting breaths as she bent to rest her hands on her knees, much like the others were doing

this meant in turn it wasn't really registered by anyone

only you

you didn't really mind people knowing you were trained in combat, but didn't flaunt it or let anyone know without them finding out

you would act casually when found out, downplaying your skills

everything was a threat in the Barrel, and saying one wrong thing near one wrong person could cost you your head

you hadn't stiffened when Nina said that, only nodding and grinning, leaning against the wall with your hands in your pockets yet not saying anything verbally

you knew how to play the game and in order to do that, you had to let them subconsciously dismiss the very idea itself

Albert Einstein iq I'm telling you

psychology at its very core

you know

so

it's all forgotten until they see your skills put to use on a heist

if you've watched now you see me 2 and watched the spectacular card sequence, the next part is basically that

your tactful hand at cards could beat Kaz Brekker himself

on the heist, you know one of Kaz's sacred backup plans

only one, mind you

so, it's like the card sequence

you're all going in as guests but you and Kaz will shoot the card with the information between you and your separate searches

"Hands the other way, ma'am."

Your hands flew the opposite way, palms now facing the guard as the card was quickly flipped between your fingers, and with a single, efficient flick of the wrist Kaz had it in his possession.

"Alright, on your way you go."

Jesper had only seen because he was stationed behind you, otherwise he never would have known it was so seamless

Nina told them later that kind of thing seemed to be a regular occurrence as your heart rate had been completely average

showing how confident you are, go bestie

it was true

you and Kaz had trained for that heist often however barely for any length of time at all

the best part for you was that you had been checking how noticeable it was and flipping the card back and forth between you in meetings

Jesper's eyes had widened comically when he observed the whole thing and his jaw dropped

you laughed as you stepped past and kissed his jaw, making it close promptly as he chased after you, desperate for answers

your cards can also be poisoned

and in another heist they doubted you

because they had seen you help pull something off but not use any as a weapon

you were motioned by Kaz to appear innocent until another signal was given, one of which only you and Inej had been paying attention to and so understood

but after you hissed at Jesper out of the corner of your mouth, he stayed subdued too

you remained eerily silent as they pushed you against the wall and searched your pockets

the cards were brought out and ridiculed, even if you had cleverly concealed knives, now you knew how you would kill these men

after the go ahead was given, you burst into action, swooping downward and catching the man holding you off guard

you collected the cards and grinned as you stepped back, now the front most Crow in your little pyramid formation at the end of the street

"And what are they gonna do?"

A malicious glint appeared in your eye as Jesper tapped your shoulder, thinking you had backed yourself into a corner here.

but then, your hand flew out and struck one clean in the eye, making them wail and drop to their knees as you flung another card, swiping a man's cheek

they did not fall until a minute later, that minute consisting of you whipping cards at them and Jesper tugging on your sleeve

he'd do that a lot, before he knew of your training and maybe after too

it wasn't that he thought you couldn't handle yourself, just that he wanted to protect you in any way possible

so pulling you behind him was a knee jerk reaction, desiring to save his loved one from any possible threat or danger

he would do anything for you, let a bullet pierce his chest, a dagger land in his throat, as long as you emerged okay

it was only later, when you got Kaz to pick up the cards, saying it would be easier to wash them with a cloth than learn how to balance the slightly differing weight of a new pack

you made Kaz do it because he had leather protection and knew of the poison darkening the edges of the cards to an inky black

they were kept in a special and specific packet so there was no possible way of you being hurt unless you were completely careless

that was completely unable to happen because you were wary enough to know what to do and what not to

but Jesper still insisted you left them in his coat after he found out, wanting you to be totally risk free

"What if you're not with me? How will I use my weapons?"

"Well, my darling, that will not be the case," he paused to snicker at his unintentional joke about the container then continued, "because Kaz will absolutely keep us together at all times."

You hummed thoughtfully, "How do you know that?"

There was an immediate answer, no moment of hesitation from your sharpshooter, "He simply can't handle how fantastically amazing I am on his own, knowing I am far superior and so will continue to pair us together to avoid having to face that foe."

"Jes, honey, he could partner you with Inej or Nina or Matthias, you know that, right?"

He was stumped and his mouth opened before closing once more.

the cards were still not handed back though

don't worry, new ones were purchased after Jesper insisted on 'clinging' to the other pack like a lifeline, according to Kaz

he did find out about this after you saved his ass in a fight with them

he was so mad, not that you'd defied him but that you had put yourself in danger with the cards

but after Inej pointed out he had to trust you at some moment in time, he softened

because how could you think he didn't trust you?

he didn't ever want you to have to answer that question and set about trying to rectify the situation

you received breakfast in bed and apology cuddles

"I trust you."

It was the mantra he had been repeating for days and you smiled as your hand came to rest upon his jawline.

"I know, darling. I know."

You were met with a soft kiss to your collarbone as his head dipped to fall into the crook of your neck, wrapping his arms around your waist in a tight but gentle hug.

He hummed before continuing, "Just wanted to make sure, honey."

the cards were left wordlessly on your bedside table, drawing a small sated smile from your lips

after he came to terms with the fact that you were a Dreg, a Crow, someone who would be targeted because you were entwined with him, he became just a little overprotective

not that you minded

just reassuring him often you were okay and he was too

after Wylan came along, you politely requested to know if he could make some kind of thing that would make the cards easier to collect

he came up with the idea of a magnetic substance that could be brushed over the centre of the cards, meaning if you kept one in your hand and waved it over the others, there would be no time delay in which you would have to pick them up

again

the added weight, even such a small increment, affected the momentum needed and angle necessary

for days, you were flinging your cards at a wall, barely stopping to eat, wanting to be useful

Jesper dragged you back to bed several times in the early mornings with coaxing syllables and sweet words, promises on how you would get it right tomorrow

"Sweetheart, just come back to bed. Wait a few hours and try again. You're so close to getting this. I just know it."

As you wrapped yourself in the comforter his hand came to stroke your cheek, "There you go, see, you were looking half asleep on your feet, doing yourself no good anyway, lovely. Or those cards."

when witnessing your physical combat skills, Jesper would let a surprised chuckle fall, not fully in control of himself

watching you flip an enemy who had underestimated you over your shoulder never got old

neither did seeing your boot swivel slightly on their chest as you proved just how skilled you were

awww such pure and innocent love

"Don't think I won't beat you in a fight again, Lion. Or there won't be another opportunity for you to."

"That's my partner!"

"Alright Jes, bit much but thanks for hyping me up."

Just as you turned and both of you were about to walk away, a cold and clammy hand clamped over your ankle and you instantaneously recoiled.

Then, before Jesper or the Dime Lion knew what was happening, your fist connected with his stomach, hand coming up to cover your false and exaggerated yawn.

"So cool." Was whispered from your sharpshooter as you stalked off, boots clicking on the gravel pavement.

he had forced you into a chair, begging you to let him take care of your now bruising knuckles and you begrudgingly agreed

"Wasn't so bad, huh?"

"Don't push it." Was the joking response as his arm slung over your waist, and his thumbs brushed over the bandage he had applied so carefully as his hand covered the one you had let hang at your hip.

"Wouldn't dream of it, darling. Don't have the foggiest why you would assume such of me."

if you ever couldn't handle the entire situation and obtained an injury, Jesper would stay by your side

when a minor one, like a small gash on your forehead appeared, he would insist on personally caring for it

and if major, he would hold your hand, allowing you to squeeze it as hard as you wanted when the pain became too much

the same went for the other way round, you giggling at bandages wrapped all around his head like a bandana

but only after you knew he was alright

if tears filled your eyes, caused by relief, his thumb would come up to brush them away and slightly pull the corners of your mouth into a weak and wavering smile

"I'm alright. I'm okay, honey, you just remember that."

the both of you would press gentle goodnight kisses to each others foreheads or lips, forgetting a bruise or cut

this would end in frantic apologies and inevitable laughter when you kept speaking over one another

basically, Jesper thinks you're so badass, amazing and fantastic, reminding you just how highly he regards you everyday

you will protect him and he will protect you, no matter what

#jesper fahey x reader #jesper fahey x you #jesper fahey fics #jesper fahey fluff #jesper fahey #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone x you #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow and bone #grishaverse x reader #grishaverse x you #grishaverse fic #grishaverse #jesper fahey headcanons

[kindness-ricochets]

Prompt: “It’s not your fault.”

Fic-a-day February, day 5 -- unpolished, unedited, unmerciful. I looked at this prompt and thought, “Maybe Jesper and Wylan were playing around and broke an antique,” and then I went with entirely not that. This one draws on view of Grisha in the Wander Isle, according to TGT, but is entirely SoC-based.

Trigger Warning: Murder (not graphic but very much present), grieving a lost parent

----------------

Jesper told himself things just worked out that way. Things just worked out that way – he needed to be sure Wylan was settled. (Never mind that Wylan had been saying, “I’m all right, Jes, you should visit Colm,” for months. Like the merchling knew anything about anything!) Things just worked out that way – Inej had stayed with them, briefly, then come home from her first voyage on her new ship. Of course he knew she saw Kaz first, but at the end of the day, even the Wraith liked a good meal and a soft bed. (“I’m so proud of you,” they had chorused, Jesper to the righteous pirate, Inej to the months-sober sharpshooter.) Things just worked out that way…

He let himself into the house, surprised by how different it felt. Wasn’t he returning home? Somehow Jesper was surprised to find it wholly unchanged. He felt like he had stepped back into his memories, the same place but the wrong time. It had only been two and a half years, but all that had changed was Jesper. He no longer fit the shape of the space he left behind. Jesper shook his head. What was that nonsense? Banishing the inexplicable melancholy, he set down his bag and left the little clapboard house. Briefly, Jesper glanced at the cherry tree. Then he headed out to the western field. His da would’ve spotted him, if he had looked. If he had known to look. As it was, Colm was so engaged in his work he only noticed when Jesper was nearly beside him. Then Colm about leapt a foot off the ground. “Jes!” He grinned and, like he had in the Boeksplein, hugged his son tightly. This time, there was no relief in his eyes. He was happy, surprised, but he hadn’t been worried. This time, Jesper didn’t mind having the breath hugged out of him. “I missed you, too, Da.” Jesper hadn’t been in Ketterdam a month before his sensible, well-patched farmboy clothing was long forgotten. He hadn’t worn drab colors voluntarily ever since. When he clarified precisely what he expected he’d be doing, Wylan had asked, “Are you going to get new clothes for the trip?” He did that sometimes. He said something that reminded Jesper what a privileged life he had led. Times like that, it was tough not to tease him. So Jesper had teased him. They worked together until the sun dipped low to the horizon. Jesper hadn’t done this sort of work in years, but his body remembered even as his mind began to wander. Hard work wasn’t the same is interesting work—but he was needed here. Useful. And he was better, he reminded himself. It was worth it when they stopped for the evening. The smile Colm gave Jesper was worth everything. For the best part of a week, they worked together. They didn’t talk much. Colm would offer the occasional, “All right, Jes?” or “It’s good to have you here.” Sometimes, Jesper’s attention wandered back to the cherry tree, but there was work to be done. And that was that. One morning, Jesper’s eyes drifted open, his mind scratching at the reality surrounding them. It was late—not so late at home with Wylan, but by farm standards, they were wasting daylight. Why had Colm let him sleep? Then Jesper realized it must be Sunday. Colm had gone to church. More, he had left Jesper behind. Colm Fahey was a religious man whose previous attitude was that when you lived under his roof, you showed respect to the Saints, and that didn’t just mean swearing by them. Jesper stretched, wriggled his toes, and decided he might as well get up. Might as well make himself useful—maybe he didn’t live here, but he wasn’t a guest, either. He made the bed. There was a trick he had learned, one his ma used to do. He pulled the dirt away from clothes with his gift. Everything still needed a wash, but not so desperately, enough for Jesper to have everything clean and hung out to dry in under an hour. He made biscuits without burning them. After making a few twitchy rounds of the house, resettling things, struggling to busy himself, Jesper swallowed. He left the house. It was an almost cruelly beautiful day, a breeze slicing through the blistering heat, the sky unfathomable. Laundry hung on the line, half-dry already. The fields were swiftly becoming bare. Jesper took pride in that. He took pride in how much work they had done together. Though he had no desire to stay on the farm, knew he was destined for grander things, but this place would always hold his heart. There had been a time this was all the world he thought there was to know. His childhood had been here. His da was here. Jesper stopped under the cherry tree. It was a healthy tree, its leaves glossy-green. He couldn’t remember precisely the right spot and shuffled back. He didn’t want to stand on… on the wrong place. He stuffed his hands in his pockets. Then took one out to rub his neck, then his nose was itchy. He ran a hand over his hair. Bounced a Kerch penny across his knuckles. He squatted close to the ground like somehow being five feet closer would answer all his questions. Or at least tell him which ones to ask. Jesper was standing once more, staring at the ground in something like confusion, when Colm joined him. They stood together quietly for a few moments. “She’d’ve been proud.” “That’s why Wy says.” Jesper hadn’t made much mention of his boyfriend on this trip, but it was true. Whenever Jesper couldn’t help saying a word about his ma, that was what Wylan said. She would be proud. Really? She would be proud her only son went a whole six weeks without a slip-up visit to the tables? She would be proud he was so confused about his gift that he spent years hiding it, even after he became sick with the effort? Colm nodded. “Jes, I… what happened that night…” Jesper remembered the words he had sobbed out too many times. I should have known. I should have saved her. And every time, Wylan held him, stroked his hair, rubbed his back, promised that this wasn’t Jesper’s fault. Wasn’t it? Ma used her gift to save someone’s life. Jesper could barely manage the wash. His tiny spark of magic wasn’t much, but it would have been enough. If he had been trained, it would have been. Colm cleared his throat but couldn’t find the words. So Jesper found his. “I know,” he said. “I know it was my fault, Da.” “Your fault?” Colm asked, genuinely surprised. “Ma… Ma was training me. I didn’t know what it meant. She didn’t want to worry you with it, but if I had understood, if I had been more serious and not just wanted to shoot because it was fun—” “You were a child,” Colm interrupted. He sounded almost angry. “I was… you know what I was.” He nodded. “Grisha.” Jesper turned to his father in surprise. It had been Colm who banished those words from the house, Colm who insisted the only way Jesper could be safe was to be not that. Jesper remembered the day Leoni’s father offered to take him to train somewhere else. He had decided to stay to be with his father, even knowing… The words were out before Jesper could stop them: “I didn’t think I could be Grisha and still be your son.” Not resentful, just a fact. Colm’s head snapped up. “Jesper!” “I know you changed your mind since then, but you didn’t want me to be that way.” “I wanted you safe. I—” He cut himself off. Ran a hand through his graying hair. “I made mistakes, but you will always be my son. What happened to your mother was not your fault.” Jesper nodded. He wanted to say it wasn’t true, but he only wanted to say that because he heard pain in his da’s voice. He didn’t want to say it because he believed it. He didn’t believe it. It didn’t mean Jesper loved him any less, but he knew his da made mistakes. They stood for a long, quiet moment, both thinking their weighty thoughts. The truth was, Colm’s response to Grisha power—to Jesper’s and Aditi’s both—had shaped Jesper’s early adult years. It was Colm’s fear that made Jesper fear and hide. Maybe it made him more susceptible not just to the dice and the cards, but to someone like Kaz, who could draw him into a thrilling world where Jesper never truly belonged. He accepted his own responsibility, too. Another gusting breeze blew the worst of the afternoon heat off him, but it couldn’t assuage the gnawing shame. He was fundamentally at his own fault. Jesper accepted that as he stood there, looking at the patch of grass where his ma rested. For all Colm had failed, overall, he hadn’t, not overall. He had loved his son. He forgave him in Ketterdam, had come out here to stand with him beside the cherry tree. “I’m the youngest of the five of us.” Jesper turned to his father in surprise. The youngest? The five of who? “I never counted Meirion, he died too young, but my parents did. You’ve an uncle, my brother Pryderi. Still works the old farm, as far as I know.” Jesper’s eyes might as well have dropped out of his skull. He caught himself gaping and closed his mouth, but… still! He had never thought much of his father’s life Before. Before Ma, Before Novyi Zem, just in all the Before. He all but believed Colm Fahey sprung up a grown man and had no childhood at all. Colm encouraged it by never offering details about his life before. With an almost confused shake of his head, Colm said, “You must’ve known I had a reason to leave the Wandering Isle.” “I thought you killed a guy and were fleeing the authorities,” Jesper replied without thinking. When it doubt, aim for a laugh. Unable to deny his curiosity, he asked, “So one’s dead and one inherited your father’s farm. What do my other uncles do? Do I have cousins?” “Pryderi’s got two sons and a daughter. Gruff was like you. Gruffud, but we called him Gruff.” Colm ran a hand through his hair again. Jesper saw the pain in his father’s face and knew he ought to say he didn’t need to know. But… he did. And he sensed if he didn’t know now, he’d never learn. “Gruff and Glyndwr were twins. Glyn was like the rest of us, but Gruff was a healer. My brother never meant any harm to anyone. He was as kind a soul as ever lived.” Jesper suspected exaggeration, but he had a guess now where this brother was. In case he was right, he did not challenge his father’s claim. Something tingling on the edge of numbness coursed through him. “The Kaelish believe—not me. And he should’ve known better. I was a little younger than you are now. He wasn’t yet twenty. The Kaelish believe people like you are something not human, something fae. It wasn’t out of hate. They… Saints, you don’t need to hear this.” Jesper thought of what he had seen in Fjerda. He never told his da the full truth about that, this time not out of shame, but fear it would give the man a heart attack. He thought of the gruesome banner of red, blue, and purple kefta scraps; the charred corpses, and the one who hadn’t been a corpse yet; he thought of the kherguud, twisted past human. They weren’t memories he liked to carry, but he didn’t know that he could be whole without knowing the truth. “I think I do need to hear it, Da,” he said. “It’s my history.” Colm nodded. “All right. All right, then. They bled him. It’s what they do in the Wandering Isle—what some do. They believe Grisha blood can—they’re old folk with old ways, Jes. He wasn’t even twenty, my brother. Kindest man you could ever meet. Shy. When I saw what you were, I saw him again. I saw you in his place. I thought I was protecting you, you and your ma both. As though she ever needed my protection. I should’ve known the best I could do to protect you was let you be as strong as the Saints made you.” “Da.” In Ketterdam, Jesper had seen his da through different eyes. He had seen him in the Boeksplein and thought he looked like an obvious pigeon. He had seen him look so aged and so, so weary in the Ketterdam Suite. For the first time now, not only did he see his father differently, Jesper saw himself differently. Instead of cracking some dumb joke, he just stepped over and put his arms around Colm. “It’s not your fault, either,” Jesper said. “Not your brother and not Ma.” It was just uncanny, seeing that Colm felt what Jesper did, that they both looked at this tragedy and found some way to make it their own. He didn’t think he could absolve his da without absolving himself. Since he couldn’t let his da hurt, he didn’t see any choice. Anyway. It was what Ma would’ve wanted.

#six of crows #soc fanfic #Jesper Fahey #Colm Fahey #my writing