#if a 15 year old is worried about his fucking future because of your rich asses wanting to be lazy and not wanting to pay people for

[koi-fish-boy]

Ranting bout Ai cuz I fucking hate it.

I've been thinking about AI recently cause of an essay I had to write about what should be considered when creating AI. The articles I was assigned to read didn't say a single bad thing about it. It praised AI, calling it intelligent, the future, blah blah blah. Yeah, AI may be smart, but it's not human. I see people using AI art and AI bots like character AI and I don't understand. Those bots will never have the soul, the work, the toil put into generating those stories and "art" that work made by people have. Artisans spend years, decades of their lives toiling over their work, improving bit by bit, learning new techniques to help them improve, getting tips and tricks from those who've been doing it longer than them and know how to make it easier and to help. Will AI ever replicate that? AI is just green lines of code on a digital screen. I'm not saying it's easy to make AI, but that's what it is. It will never replicate the bonds, communities, and pride that stem from someone simply being interested in something and wanting to learn more. AI is constantly learning, but what bonds does it make? Who does it talk to? Movies and stories made by AI won't have the passion put into it like those made by humans. Throughout humanity one of the things we have held close and passed down is art and creating things. It's human to create, the earliest humans created, who we are today stems from their creativity and their communities and their bonds with each other, not artificial voices and stolen data. Using AI to create these is taking the traditions we held dear to our hearts for thousands of years and stripping it down to the click of a button. Our future is bland and soulless if we actually let AI do these things. Our future is ours to write, it is in our hands. Not the digital hands of a pixel screen masking green lines of code. Using AI to create is taking what makes us human and mutilating it. Our creativity is not a lamb for the slaughter, it is not to be given away so lightly. It may be cheaper, it may "look nice", it may be fast, but that takes away everything that makes art and storytelling art and storytelling. All those years mathematicians, artists, writers, screenwriters, scientists, medical staff, etc have put into being good at what they are is being thrown right out the window because of AI being able to do what they spent their lives learning with the click of a button. This is the end of humanity. Not as a species, but as who we are. AI can never replicate the feeling of being praised by someone you look up to because they think the art or story or anything you made is good. AI is not human. Stop letting it pretend to be human.

#there's so much i have in my head thay i want to yap about but i dont know how to put it into words #There aren't enough words in every language combined to explain how much i hate AI. #Is my passion a fucking joke to you? Its all about following your dreams until a bot can do it better than you. #being human is an experice no pixel can replicate. #creating cannot be replicated #not to mention all the jobs that will be taken by AI #every job you can think of will be replaced if this continues. #it may not seem like a big deal to you rich folk with nothing to worry about if that cashier gets replaced with anoher self checkout #but it is to them #people depend on those jobs to keep them alive #to keep ther families alive #replacing them is dooming them #i fucking hate AI #if a 15 year old is worried about his fucking future because of your rich asses wanting to be lazy and not wanting to pay people for #their effort and work and the time they dedicate yo doing what they do then somethings fucking wrong #i know people dont listen to children but please #just this once #listen

[spinster-sisters]

Sunflower. Pt.2 LTY

Warnings: there is some mild sexy time thing but lemme tell you this relationship is toxic as fuck and get pretty heavy on the verbal fights so please don’t read if you are senstive to this kind of stuff.

THIS IS A REPOST FROM MY OLD BLOG

The minutes ticked slowly by on the clock.

You didn’t dare check the time, scared of how late it was, and how early you had to wake up in the morning. You were now in your senior year at university, and it took no genius to notice you had been somewhat distracted over the past year or so. And your grades took the fall for it, so here you were at the ungodly hours of the night, juggling fixing your grades and working at your part-time job.

And speaking of distractions, you hadn’t seen Taeyong in 5 days. He, as far as you knew, was in a similar boat, having put off school in favor of parties and drinking, he was somewhat distant to everyone that past week or so. You are fairly certain that the only people who he has even seen the past couple of days are his two best friends, Johnny and Jaehyun.

You had met them both a couple of times before, and they were very similar to Taeyong himself, though you had to admit, they were a bit nicer. But you had never gotten to close with them, certainly not close enough to ask about their friend. (Who you weren’t even dating)

As the hours went by you found your mind straying farther and farther away from the material of the book laid out in front of you, instead of to the beautiful man who had your heart. You were worried about him, you missed him. Your mind thought of the last time you had seen him. It had been at the last college football match, and since you hung around in similar circles your two groups of friends often sat near each other at these kinds of things. Not that he sat next to you, no way in hell. He kept his distance laughing and joking with his friends, barely glancing your direction. But you hardly even looked at the game, instead choosing to watch the expressions of the heavenly man only a few rows away. He had been wearing a graphic T, which had hung loosely of his lean shoulders,  and was tucked into his jeans. Your friends sitting next to you would elbow you in the ribs now and then notify you of something happening in the game, but not even the roaring crowd of thousands of happy college students could make you drag your eyes away from Taeyong as he jumped up, elated like his friends.

As the game came to a close you pleaded silently that the two groups of friends would stay together for the after-party, but your roommate (the person most aware of your infatuation) pulled you away from the festivities reminding you of the many hours of homework ahead of you that evening.

The party, you heard, was an eventful one. There were whispers through the grapevine that some disgruntled players from the opposing school found their way to the party and (though there are about 15 different versions of the story) Taeyong was the main reason 2 of them left with a black eye. You don’t know how much you believe that, Taeyong was many things but violent was not one of them, but it worried you none the less. Especially since he has been MIA since that night. I mean, what if he got hurt? What if he was in the hospital?

You pulled your mind out of the speeding train of thought. Your eyes were burning after staring at the pages of your textbook in the dim light for so long, and lateness of the hour only added to the heaviness of your lids. Not to mention the hard surface of your cheap desk and chair were a great discomfort to your aching bones after the long shift you had finished not 4 hours before. You finally gave yourself the relife of rubbing your bloodshot eyes and stretching your crackling spine. Now you looked at the clock next to you on the cheap yellow wood of your desk.

2:13 am.

As though the number themselves triggered it, you opened your mouth in a shaking yawn that moved its way through your body in waves.  The exhaustion and desire for sleep were so severe you wondered whether you would make it all the way to your bed about 4 feet away. After coming to the realization that continuing to stare blankly again at your textbook would change nothing, you moved to stand up, lifting your arms above your head and arching your back side to side feeling the pleasant cracks. But your movements twords your bed were halted by your phone notification flashing. Lifting your phone closer to your head, straining your tired eyes you read. It was a simple question from your friend about your plans the next day (something you planned on replying to tomorrow morning) but the alert sent a thought to your brain.

Maybe you should call him.

You don’t know why this came into your head, it’s not like he had the best track record for answering you, and it’s not like he is likely to respond after being away for so long. But your earlier thoughts and fears resurfaced in your head, enough so that you typed out a quick message to the man and sent it before you could think twice:

To: Taeyong

“Hey, don’t know where you’ve been but I missed you”

[2:15 am]

The train car stank slightly and rumbled severely, but the giddiness bubbling in your tummy at the thought of the day out with those closest to you had all negative thoughts pushed out of your mind. Soon the monotone robotic voice sounded over the PA informing you of your arrival. Your roommate took the both of you by the arms and safely guided the three of you off the stain and above ground. Though it was still early morning the sun shown brilliantly against the glass windows of the surrounding buildings.

Pushing the thoughts out of your brain you crawled into your bed.

———————————

The plans you and your friend had for the day was simple, heading into the city your campus was on the outskirts of. Both of you had been spending the past two weeks working your asses off so as a reward you, your best friend and your roommate were now sitting on the subway heading to the heart of the city.

Besides time and a meeting place, you and your two companions had no real plan for the day, instead, allowing the day to take you where it will. As the sun moved through the sky so did your group through the city, going from shop to shop or park to park, even possibly a wedding reception (though your roommate dragged you and your friend away before it could be considered “wedding crashing”)

As the day drew to a close, the sun finally falling behind the towers, your best friend had the sudden idea to do something daring. The day had been an all-round success and had even managed to keep Taeyong out of your mind for the past few hours which was a feat in itself, so you decided to indulge your friend and ask her what she had in mind.

You were stopped at a street corner outside a quaint looking coffee shop and the time for nightlife was just beginning. The three of you were stood in a circle and as your friend spoke she leaned in, giving her words a childish giddy tone.

“Let’s get tattoos!” she spoke in a whispered shout. You scoffed at the idea leaning back in disbelief.

“Why would I spend my hard-earned money to have someone draw on my skin?” you asked allowed, expecting to have your roommate, ever the sensible one, back you up. But after being met with silence your head whipped to her to see the pensive yet optimistic look on her face.

“Oh no, don’t tell me you’re ok with this?” You asked in disbelief, gesticulating madly in her direction. She gave you a sheepish smile and said;

“Well, it is our last year of undergrad, might as well do something to remember it” all the while speaking with a bashful smile on her face.

“What?!” you could not believe the words you were hearing. Looking back and forth between your two friends did nothing to ease the confusion on your head. But after staring at them for a minute, them looking determined, you spoke;

“I’ll come with you but don’t expect me to get anything” you spoke resolutely. At this your friend, the initiator of the idea refuted,

“No, absolutely not, we are doing this together or not at all!”  She looked defiant.

The longer you considered the darker it got and as much as you didn’t want to admit it you had been sort of detached from the people closest to you because of Taeyong and it sounded nice to be apart of the group again. You continued to mull it over for a few more moments before speaking apprehensively.

The day was now over and you were comfortably laying on your bed sprawled out over the covers like a starfish with a content smile etched onto your lips as you watched the blades of your ceiling fan revolve, listening to the gentle hum of voices from whatever your roommate was listening to in her room.

“Fine, something small”

———————

The parlor had been intimidating and severe but after walking out with a small sunflower tattoo on your right ribs (easily concealable in the future)  you felt like a new woman. The three of you pilled into the nearest public restroom to take an Instagram picture of your new “Ink” (as your friend so childishly put)

The peace was broken however when the blaring sound of your ring tone sounded through the room. Your heart jumped at the initial sound but you quickly calmed and reached out to answer it. Whatever spike your heart received at the ringtone was nothing compared to the jolt at the name flashing on your screen:

Taeyong

You stared blankly at it for a few moments before rushing to answer it, practically shooting upright on your bed while bringing your phone to your ear. The eagerness that boiled inside of you whenever you were around the beautiful man grew as you awaited the sound of his voice.

“Hello?” you said almost too quickly before the call completely connected. You half expected the kind of brooding silence he usually gave you to build anticipation when he called you for sex, but instead, he spoke almost as quickly as you did.

“Let me in” the voice was not the smooth or a rich as honey as it usually was, in fact, it was almost coarse and rough. But this fact did nothing to stop the growing need in your heart knowing he was so close.

You barely choked out a ‘sure’ before running to meet him. The fact you were barely covered in an oversized t-shirt you bought yourself and underwear and the fact that you did not tell your roommate what was happening did not cross your mind as your body acted practically of its own accord, flinging your front door open and running down the several flights of stairs to the main door. Only when you reached the main entrance did the state of your dress and the lateness of the hour occur to you. But you didn’t have time to be embarrassed with Taeyong on the other side of the door. Panting you pulled open the door.

The sight of him was as beautiful as always, to you, he carried a glow around him that made him stand out from everyone else. Your mind already fogging over from the proximity after being apart for so long. While you were starstruck at the sight of him, his eyes only narrowed as he looked you up and down once before shoving his way through the door. dazed, you allowed him to drag you wordlessly back up to your apartment by the vice grip he held on your wrist. The entire way up the stairs your eyes did not leave his back. Even in the thick hoodie he was wearing your eyes could almost see where the toned muscles of his back would be if you could see them, your mouth watered at the thought and your head swam with the desire to hold him as close to your body as possible. Taeyong gave you no such opportunity, instead of keeping himself at least 2 steps ahead of you, dragging you limply behind him.

When you finally made it back through the threshold of your apartment Taeyong kicked the door closed behind him a continued the pull you twords your room. Your roommate called out, “Y/N? What’s going on?” from her room, clearly still preoccupied with the TV show she was watching. You awoke from your daze the tinnies bit but before you could answer Taeyong spoke loudly in response:

“None of your damn business”

Pulling open the door to your room pushing you in ahead of him and slamming the door so forcefully you briefly thought it might break off the wall. Distantly, as though it was coming from underwater, you heard your roommate scoff as though unsurprised. But this was inconsequential to you right now, all your mind seemed to fully understand was Taeyong standing before you with a scowl etched on to his perfect features.

Normally Taeyong would take his time working you up to near insanity before acting but tonight he was a man on a mission, merely pushing you back onto the bed. You instinctively slid back till your back hit the wall but your eyes did not leave his. Honestly, it was rare to have his full undivided attention even when he was toying with you, but the penetrative stare made you feel as though he could see every inch of your body with x-ray vision and the sensation was intoxicating.

Taeyong wasted no time in climbing on top of you and caging your head between his arms. Your head was swimming, Taeyong, his weight pressing down on you and, his heavenly musk being the only thing any of your five senses you perceive. Your heart was racing a mile a minute and your throat constricted the closer he got. You’re sure he could feel the eagerness radiating off your body.

Taeyongs hand slid from their place on the mattress to the hem of your shirt and in one quick motion he pulled it off. An instant cold hit your now exposed chest, but after a year of encounters with Taeyong, you knew better than to cover your now hardening nipples from the cold air. But Taeyong didn’t seem to notice or care about your compliance with his tastes and rules, instead, his eyes were fixed, unmoving from the dark lines etched into your skin covered by the clear wrappings. His eyes swam with unrecognizable emotions but you, who are so attuned to him, knew after only a few seconds that he was not pleased with what he saw.

Your heart sank and dread-filled your chest, in a childish attempt to keep him from looking so disapprovingly at the mark you moved your hand to cover it. But the damage had been done.

The disapproving look did not leave his eyes as they slowly moved from the inky skin upwards to your hardening nipples. A low rumble came out of his chest as he moved you farther back onto the bed placing his body between your automatically parting legs. He moved his head closer and began leaving bites and bruises on your neck and chest.

You were in euphoria as the feeling of his wet plush lips moved up and down on your neck, leaving a cold slick trail in their wake. It did not take much for Taeyong to get you keening with desire, and though this was not his usual tactic of reducing you to putty by merely his words before even laying a finger on you, it was still working like a charm. As you looked down at your bodies pressed together and his beautiful hands sliding up and down your torso you had a feeling that he could feel the slick in your panties and the heat radiating off of them.

Eventually, Taeyong pulled back just enough to watch your expressions, one hand slowly slid from its place on your waist up your body to the roots of your hair, and the other slid lower, trailing the skin above your panties briefly before slipping into them. At first, he did nothing but stare at you. You were panting with anticipation, practically mewling at the mere thought of him. You are sure the desperation could be seen in your eyes, but you didn’t care, you wanted him to know how much he means to you especially in this way where no other man could give you the same satisfaction.

His hand was cold where it sat securely cupping your heat, your body started to buck slightly into his hand, pleading him to just do something.

“How badly do you need it?” He questioned allowed in a surprisingly amused voice. You whined out a response and bucked your hips once more into his hand.

“That’s, not an answer baby,” He remarked casually as the heat the pooled in your abdomen burned even stronger, sweat was beginning to form on your brow as your body worked itself up into a fervor. You wanted him more than anything you have ever wanted before. Your head swam with thoughts, but the only discernable thing in them was the face of the godly man before you, who glowed in the yellow lights of your bedroom.

“I need it so bad Tae” You spoke, your voice came out raspy.

“And who do you want to give it to you?”  He asked, finally moving his hand the slightest bit to slid between your folds. Your breath hitched so severely that you nearly choked. And when one long slender finger found it’s purchase providing your entrance you lost the ability to breathe at all.

It felt like you had done hard drugs with how intensely your mind spun. Every inch of your body tingled with desire for Taeyong.

“You, Taeyong, please” You pleaded so desperately, closing your eyes to shield yourself from the powerful glow that radiated off of him. But just when you thought he would grace you with the pleasure you so desperately desired, his hand pulled away and out of your panties abruptly. A pitiful whine so long and drawn out it was shameful, escaped your lips as your body attempted to curl in on itself to fill the spot where Taeyongs hand was not moments ago, but his lean body was still positioned over yours keeping you in place. The hand that had been in your hair tightened dangerously as he forced your dazed eyes to meet his clear ones.

“So just to be clear,” he spoke in his scarily dominating voice, “You need me” He spoke every word with such a definitive tone. Your eyes had gone wide in shock after the initial stupor and feeling of emptiness subsided. You pressed your back into the mattress and nodded at him, after all, it was true.

Taeyong leaned back onto his heels, still kneeling on the bed, still keeping you securely beneath him.

“When I saw it on Instagram I hoped it was a joke.” He stated plainly, crossing his arms after gesturing vaguely to the marks on your stomach. The disappointment that dripped from every word made you want to crawl deeper and deeper into the blankets. You had disappointed him, you shouldn’t have let your friends talk you into getting it.

“And to think I was going to reward you next time I saw you.”  you burned with embarrassment.

“And what exactly were you thinking” He accused, leaning back over you with a severity you had never heard in his voice. The shame was unbearable.

“Marking up your skin?” He nearly spat at you. You felt awful like you had failed him, the only person who mattered to you at all. But in his next words, his voice shifted to a sickly sweet tone.

“My baby girl doing something like this without asking me?” He asked allowed as if it was a scandalizing thing for you to do.

But his words caused something to snap in you. You were coming down from the dazed high that seemed to permeate your brain whenever Taeyong was around. You felt hurt and cut deep, and possibly for the first time, a twinge of anger rose in your chest as his accusatory glare still shown down on you.  

Your face hardened as the anger rose. Fuck this.

You forced yourself into a sitting position and pulled your discarded shirt over your head. Taeyong was thrown off balance by this and fell slightly onto the bed. His face held shock but anger was still the predominant emotion as he pushed himself off the bed to stand on the floor in front of you.

You had never acted out against him before so both of you seem equally surprised at your actions and certainly, neither of you knew what you were going to do next. Your brain was still quite a bit fuzzy but was gaining clarity quickly but the only thing you truly felt at this moment was, for the first time, you wanted Taeyong out. So that’s what you went with.

“Leave” you demanded simply, breaking eye contact with his smoldering gaze. Even as you spoke a significant portion of your hear was calling out to you to stop. To not let yourself push away the man you craved so intently. Taeyong made no move to leave only raising an eyebrow. You could tell that he was not taking you seriously, as he never has, so you repeated yourself, firmer and meeting his eyes.

“Leave”

“I’m not going to do that” he replies cooly, it was clear to him that he still held the power in this interaction and he was determined to keep it.

“Now how bout you tell me what’s bothering you so I can get back to dealing with this little act of defiance,” he remarks, causally gesturing to the patch of skin beneath your shirt. He was treating you like a child. Like a dumb little girl throwing a tantrum. You began to seeth where you sat staring up at him. He made a move to reach out to you but you shoved his hand away. Fixing your face with a determined expression.

“Taeyong, get the fuck out of my apartment,”  The mild amusement in his face disappeared. His eyes darkened dangerously, a sign you had become accustomed to. He was getting angry as well, but he still made no move to leave. The longer he stood there to more your blood boiled and the more you glared at each other the higher the tension rose.

“Watch your mouth, babe” He growled at you.

“Don’t tell me what to do Taeyong” You said raising your voice and pushing yourself off the bed to face him. You had never been anything but compliant with him, scared to lose whatever affection he had for you. Even in the moments he frustrated you or broke your heart you would still obey his every command because the idea of being without those few minutes with him was worse than enduring the hours of pain that he caused. But now as you stand here you could not stop the flow of words escaping your mouth, though deep in your heart you knew you would regret them later.

“Do not tell me what to do Taeyong. I am sick and tired of this shit! You come into my life, maybe twice a week if I’m lucky, fuck around with me and my emotions, make demands, make me act a certain way, only to leave me and disappear for days! and yet I still come running any time you call just for the chance to be in your presence. You treat me like I am a child and even when I am with you it’s like I am the 3rd thing on your priorities list!”

You took a panting breath.

“God fucking damn it Taeyong, you have stopped in the middle of fucking me just to go off to some party and you think you have the right to come in here and take ownership of my body?” You screamed out every word at him and with every word his face hardened.

“Sweetheart, I don’t think I have the right, I know I do” he growled out, “Because in case you haven’t noticed it is you that comes crawling back not me, it is you who hangs on every word I say, it is you who fell in love with me.” Spat out at you, voice dripping with malice.

“Yes I do treat you like a child because you are one, it’s like you are completely dependent on me and its pathetic! You call me and text me every fucking hour of the day like it’s my job to listen to your cries. I have better things to do than comfort you over every tinny inconvenience.” His speech was filled with more emotion than you had ever heard come out of him, and honestly, you wanted more.

“Fuck off Taeyong” You spat turning away from him and staring out your window.

“Oh, no no no, you wanted to fight, now we are going to fight!” He practically roars at your back, stepping closer to you where you stood your ground.

“You are the neediest and most obsessed person I ever meet. Remember I don’t need you, I really fucking don’t. And yet you get crazy every time I don’t talk to you for a day, what the fuck was that by the way 'Hey, don’t know where you’ve been but I missed you’ If I thought it was important that you knew where I was I would have fucking told you. I don’t fucking love you so why are you so obsessed with me”  He calls out to you. You rounded on him.

“Do not act like you didn’t want me to fall for you possessive son of a bitch! You were so scared of sharing your toys you made it a point to make me care about you so that others would stay away!”

Your voices were getting louder and louder with each passing jab.

“Yeah, I don’t like sharing! I never said I was a good guy Y/N, I don’t give a fuck about your feelings but I will be fucking damned if I let some random ass guy of the street touch you or let you put black shit in your skin! I know you better than anyone and you know what the best part is? It will fucking stay that way, cuz I know that right now you are just eating up all the attention I am giving you aren’t you, you pathetic bitch!

Just as he was about to continue the door was thrown open and your roommate stocked into the room. Her expression was hard and emotionless. She marched right up to where Taeyong stood motionless, grabbed the man by the collar and flung him twords the door. She spoke with the kind of finality that sent shivers down your spine.

"Taeyong, its time your you to leave.”

After processing her words he gave her a quick once over as if deciding if it was worth fighting. And as he turned and walked out the door you had the sinking realization had he had decided that you were not worth the trouble.

After the sound of the front door opening and closing your roommate turned to were you stood and addressed you for the first time.

“are you alright?”

It occurred to you now for the first time that you were crying. Because Taeyong was right, you did like it in those moments where it seemed for the first time that you were truly the sole object of his attention.

#nct smut #taeyong smut #nct scenarios #nct timestamps #taeyong scenarios

[2seokfan]

Scarlet & Hazel | Ch. 1

pairings: hoseok x reader x yoongi

genre: fluff, very light angst, smut (future)

word count: 3.6k

chapters: ch.1, ch.2, ch.3, ch.4

summary: 

Just cause you’re living paycheck to paycheck in a tiny apartment even after graduating college doesn’t mean you’re not happy. So what if your best friend is working her dream job making close to six figures every year?  So what if she’s in a loving, committed relationship with her perfect boyfriend that you’re 99% sure is going to propose to her sometime next year? It doesn’t matter that your idea of a perfect relationship is a $9.99 bottle of wine on Friday nights while you binge watch Netflix specials.

Ok so maybe you’re a teensy bit miserable. Maybe you have no idea what you’re doing with your life. Maybe all you need to do is accidentally cross paths with two hybrids who will drastically change that.

Meet “Scarlet” and “Hazel”, two of the most gorgeous hybrid men you have ever laid eyes on. With their help, you learn that life is an adventure, a rollercoaster with ups and downs, and you were too preoccupied with yourself to climb out of your own predicament. And hey, you’re not much of a romantic, but with these two, you just might change your mind.

note: Hi! This is my first fic ever! I don’t even know if anyone’s gonna read this but I’ve had this idea in my head for awhile so fuck it.

You kicked off your shoes and threw your purse on the couch.

“God my back hurts!” 

Honestly with the amount of random bodily aches you experience on a daily business you could pass for being 70 years old. But this time you knew where the pain stemmed from. You just had to fall asleep awkwardly after a night on your phone. And of course today was a work day and you slept past all THREE of your alarms. But you know that feeling when you sleep for a suspiciously long amount of time and something doesn’t feel right? That’s the sixth sense that saved your ass this morning because your internal body clock was like sweetie I think you’re late. 

You only had time to slap on some makeup, hoping it looked semi decent, and throw your greasy hair into a messy, but passable bun because no one wants to see an ugly receptionist. You had to skip your morning Starbucks drive-through routine because you’re about to be LATE, late so you grab your keys and start your car, booking it to work.

You work at a private hybrid clinic which pays a little better than most but that means you also have to deal with a lot of attitude from rich “owners” (you hate that word). And you sat weirdly at work today so that did nOThing to help your back pain. Also how come everybody decided to book an appointment today?? It’s Friday for god's sake why does everyone and their mothers decide it’s time to call the clinic and book a checkup. They get so mad at you when you say this whole month is filled. You can’t change the schedule though?? The calendar’s filled lady either get over it and settle for next month or fuck off (of course you don’t say that out loud cause you’ll get fired). Also someone yelled at you today because they didn’t like the magazine choices in the waiting room.

Anyways your day sucked and you couldn’t be happier being back in your tiny apartment to binge watch netflix stand-up comedies until you collapse. Well you say it’s your apartment but you actually have a roommate. She’s nothing like you though, she’s the epitome of responsibility. You agreed to live with her even though you met her through Craigslist because once you met her in person you deemed her genuine enough, and also found out she’s hardly ever at the apartment but she still pays rent on time?! You really hit the jackpot with her honestly. Cause you can be a little bit messy sometimes but even when she is home she never complains. The only negative side of having her as a roommate is that you never really had time to bond with her cause she’s so busy and over your league that even after a year you two still aren’t anything more than friendly acquaintances.

Alright time to get out of your work clothes and into nothing but your favorite oversized t-shirt with no pants on because that is what you deem home-appropriate attire. But before you turn on netflix your tummy is making “feed me” noises so it’s time to check the fridge. Damn no leftovers. Time to crack open one of those Trader Joe’s frozen meals you have stacked in the freezer. You blindly pick a box. Guess you’re having vegan tikka masala tonight. Not gonna lie though those frozen meals are actually not half bad. Or maybe you’ve been away from good home cooking for so long you’ve become desensitized? Who cares, you’re hungry. Also it’s Friday, so no harm in cracking open a bottle of wine right?

When you’re all settled on the couch with your favorite plush blanket on your legs, a random comedian on tv, and a full tummy, your mind drifts away. It’s Saturday tomorrow and you have the weekends off. Maybe you should do something fun for yourself to make up for the crap you had to deal with today. You text your best friend Karli. You know she’s awake since it’s only 10pm.

You: Hey girl wanna go to the beach or smth tmrw?? <3

Karli: Yaaas ok I don’t work!! What time?

You: and we can walk around all the fancy stores and get coffee from that place we love.

You: hmmm how bout meet there @11??

Karli: Sounds good sweetie want me to pick you up?

You: no its ok ill meet u there i need to buy groceries after

Karli: Kk love ya see you then!!!

You: love ya! night bby

Karli knows that when you say “go to the beach” you really mean walk along the beach and the nearby stores because it’s early June and prime tourist season. That means the sand is packed with people and their kids and the water’s probably filled with pee so you’re not really down for that. Also the expensive shops near the beach are so cute and you love walking around window shopping, pretending like you can actually afford any of the items on display.

The wine is now getting to you cause before you know it you find your eyelids getting heavy. You muster up your last ounce of strength to turn off the tv and force yourself out of the couch cause your poor back doesn’t need another excuse to keep hurting. As much as you don’t want to wash your face and brush your teeth, you have to because you don’t want makeup on your pillowcase tonight. And when you finally crawl into bed you knock out instantly.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

“Oh fuck…”

You forgot that drunk you last night set an alarm today for 9am. Thank you drunk Y/N. 

Why 9am? Because you need to shower and get ready, plus the beach you’re going to is near the north part of the city, which is also the expensive part of the city, meaning it’s a LONG ways from where you live. But the stores are aesthetically pleasing and it contains both you and Karli’s favorite coffee shop so you’re willing to make the 25 minute drive. Karli doesn’t have to worry though because she lives a lot closer than you do. Girl has got her shit together. Honestly you’re just glad she decided to move back after graduate school cause the long distance friend thing sucks balls.

You hop in the shower and rinse yourself awake. The weather is perfect, warm but not too hot. Unlike many people who prefer to dress up for a nice outing, you’re just the opposite. You’ve been forced to dress in nice business attire with a full face of makeup all week. Hell no are you dressing up on your days off too. It’s a sweatpants and tank top kinda day so that’s exactly what you wear. Ever since college you’ve spoiled yourself into only wearing comfy clothes whenever you have the chance and it’s become a minor problem in your life. You have some perfectly nice jeans in the closet but you haven’t worn them in forever. And you’re not gonna wear them today either. And makeup? Who needs makeup? You’ll just go barefaced since you have no one to impress. Actually just kidding maybe a little concealer just to cover up a few rough spots but that’s IT. You’re still a little self conscious and you know you have to work on that but not today.

It’s now 10:15. You grab your purse from the couch, slip on your favorite pair of slides and head to your car. You’re the kind of person who absolutely needs music when you drive so you quickly start blasting your favorite playlist. Before you know it, you’re pulling up to the beach area. Parking is hard to find on the weekend but your lucky ass managed to squeeze into a street parking spot right as someone pulls out. You lock your car and make the trek to Cozy Coffeehouse, your favorite coffee shop hands down.

Karli is already here and she’s hopping up and down, waving at you. She looks super cute today in her little black dress and fishnets. She’s had the same taste since high school and you’re glad that even a Master’s degree hasn’t stopped her from dressing all punk on her days off. You jog over and give her a quick hug.

“Hey girl look at you!! You’re so cute!” You take in her makeup and you swear if she didn’t go the corporate route she definitely should have been a makeup artist. Her eyeshadow is amazing and you’ll never ever have the blending talent that she has, nor could you ever get your eyeliner to look that sharp.

“Aw thanks! You look comfy though I’m kinda jealous now maybe I should’ve dressed down.” 

“No I love your outfits! Besides, someone has to look nice in this relationship.”

You link arms and march into the cafe. It’s located near the fancy designer stores on a large hill overlooking the beach. When you step inside the whole atmosphere screams ‘cozy’, fitting its name perfectly. The interior is littered with mismatched sofas and armchairs but it somehow still looks aesthetically pleasing. Soft piano jazz is playing through speakers and when you step inside the delicious scent of freshly ground coffee beans immediately invades your nostrils.

You glance at their pastry display first. Today must be your lucky day because they have tiramisu and you absolutely love tiramisu but it’s usually sold out. No way in hell are you letting this chance slide, fuck breakfast norms you’re definitely getting a bite of that. Unfortunately you’re not a fan of sugary treats on top of sugary drinks so to balance things out you choose to order their house brew.

After you two order, you find a spot in one of the plush armchairs near the window and sit. You really are lucky today since window seats are usually taken. But not this time! You guys get to enjoy the gorgeous scenery displayed before you. The sun is bright, people are laying on the beach tanning, and kids are splashing each other with water. For the first time in awhile, you feel content with life, if only for a bit. 

Before long your orders are called out and you stand up to retrieve them. Once you’re settled, you break into conversation with Karli, eager to catch up on everything that happened since you two last spoke face-to-face. You talk about work, Karli’s boyfriend Sunny, that new pizza place that opened up near your apartment that actually has really shitty pizza.

“Like seriously how do you fuck up pizza that badly?” you exclaim in between generous bites of tiramisu.

“No I get you,” Karli responds, slurping her iced mocha frappuchino, “everybody knows what pizza is supposed to taste like, I mean it’s gotta take talent to actually fuck it up to the level you’re describing girl.”

“Exactly!!” You wave your arms in the air, wanting to physically demonstrate your frustration at the situation and your passion for good pizza.

“Anyways…” Karli gently sets her drink down and takes on a more serious tone. “How are you though, honestly.”

“Hmm, me?” You swallow your last bite of tiramisu, “I’m doing good. Works ok, life’s ok. You know. Everything’s… ok.”

“I get that everything’s ‘ok’ but you know I want you to be more than ok. I want you to be happy”

You see the genuine concern in her eyes. Bless this girl for being so soft-hearted.

She continues, “And when was the last time you dated? Like, what, 2 years ago??”

Of course she has to mention dating. Karli has always been a romantic. You? Not so much. Your brain tended to err on the logical, practical side, which is not always a good idea since it keeps you away from many potential relationships.

“I date!” You scoff, but you’re not convincing anybody, least of all yourself.

“Oh really?” Her eyes widen in mock surprise, “Tinder one night stands don’t count babe. You know what I mean.”

“Well you didn’t specify…” You mumble, trying to come up with any excuse to defend your pride. You know she’s just being a good friend and that she’s asking because she cares about you, so you don’t let her questions irritate you.

“Sweetie I’m not trying to make you feel bad and I’m sorry if it comes across that way. It’s just… you mean a lot to me and you’re my bestie and I just want to see you be happy.” She takes your hand from across the table and looks you in the eyes. “We don’t get to see each other as much as we used to, so when I do I want to check in on how you’re doing.”

Then she averts her eyes, which you find highly suspicious. “Also I may or may not have found someone who I KNOW will be a perfect match for you.”

“AHA I KNEW you were leading up to something!”

“Wait but hear me out. He’s an accountant and at first I was like hmmm is he too boring for Y/N? But then I realized I was judging him by his job and that’s not cool so I talked to him and he’s, like, actually super cute and super sweet and I think you two will get along so well!” She’s speaking very fast at this point, trying to squeeze out as much information as possible before you can interject. Then she finishes with one of her signature Karli smiles, big and wide and all teeth and she knows you can’t say no to that face.

“Dammit. Fine.” You lost this round. “Alright if he wants to meet up I won’t say no. How bout that?”

“Gee that’s so thoughtful of you Y/N.” Her tone is sarcastic but she’s still smiling so you know she means no harm.

After another half hour of conversation, locked in a heated debate about food again (this time she’s defending her stance that pineapple belongs on pizza), Karli’s phone rings. The sound scares the poor girl half to death, and watching her jump a mile from her couch had you snorting into your coffee mid drink.

She looks at the caller ID, muttering under her breath, “It’s Saturday what do they want?” then glances up with a sad little pout, “Sorry Y/N it’s work gimme a sec…”

From what you can hear on her side of the conversation, something has come up and she has to head to the office right away. 

“Ok I’ll be there in fifteen,” she hangs up and gives an exaggerated “Ughhhhh”. She takes one large gulp, finishing the last of her ultra sweet, ultra whipped frappuccino. “It’s like they can’t do anything when I’m not there.” She looks especially apologetic when her eyes land back on you, “I’m so sorry I have to cut this short…”

“Hey it’s ok! Duty calls ya know,” you give her a reassuring grin, hoping it passes for a smile instead of a grimace. You were really hoping to hang out today.

“No it’s not ok. We didn’t even get to walk around today! And I know how much you like to do that.” She stands up, slipping her purse onto her shoulder, “so next time I’ll plan a day where I guarantee I won’t get interrupted. It’s the least I can do.”

“Mk sounds good babe,” you give her a big hug, “Go get ‘em tiger!”

After she exits the cafe you finish the last bit of your coffee and glance out the window, staring at the people on the beach. Wow it’s really crowded down there today. You zone in on two kids attempting to build a sandcastle, but it’s too close to the water so the waves flatten it in two seconds. But it seems they didn’t learn their lesson because they keep rebuilding the castle in the same spot. Just move it further up little dudes.

You find yourself lost in thought again. Just because Karli’s suddenly busy doesn’t mean you don’t still have a whole day to yourself. You can walk around on your own. Also why not treat yourself to another drink? A fun one this time from their specials menu.

Ten minutes later you find yourself wandering around the various shops, hot hazelnut latte in hand, gazing at display after display of designer clothes and bags. Look, you may not be a huge fashion person, or have any expendable cash, but a girl can still appreciate art, especially when it’s laid out so nicely in front of you. 

Speaking of art, there’s an art gallery coming up that you absolutely love. You’ve always been too afraid to go inside because you’re the type of person who feels obligated to buy something if you enter a local store and you DEFinitely can’t afford anything there. So you opt to loiter outside, like some creep, looking a little too long at the featured art through the window. This time it’s an Impressionist style painting of a ship on hazy waters with a sunset in the background. You’re no artist but you can appreciate good quality work when you see it. The piece is mesmerizing and serene, transfixing you to the spot. Before you know it, you’ve been staring for 15 whole minutes.

While admiring the artist’s use of color on the display piece, you overhear a lady raising her voice not too far away, snapping you out of your trance. It sounds like drama, so being the nosy bitch that you are, you’re definitely gonna check it out, if only to satisfy your curiosity.

“What do you mean ‘no’?! You’ll be perfect for each other!! Where’s your owner I bet he’ll listen!” At this point the lady’s voice is sounding downright aggressive.

As you shuffle closer to the scene of the noise, you spot a middle-aged, blonde lady pointing her finger at two hybrid men, almost jabbing one of them in the chest with her sharp, ruby nails. Behind her stands a gorgeous female arctic fox hybrid who clearly belongs to her as she pats her owner’s shoulders, trying to calm her down.

“I’m sorry miss but we just aren’t interested.” The taller of the two hybrids with orange hair speaks up, gently pushing the lady’s hands away. “Please leave us alone.” He’s being surprisingly calm, even after getting yelled at in public.

“Yeah lady get out of our faces,” the other white and grey haired hybrid is definitely more agitated, crossing his arms as he huffs in annoyance. You don’t blame him since the blonde lady is being ridiculously rude.

You can’t really make out the two males’ faces, since they’re turned away from you, but they are obviously hybrids. Both having incredibly bushy, soft-looking tails and tall, pointy ears sticking out of their heads.

Even if you can’t see their expressions, you can tell they’re uncomfortable with the harassment. Since you’re still somewhat unaware of the context, you stay out of the argument but decide to keep an eye on the situation in case the lady steps out of line. You’re just slightly around the corner, able to stay a safe distance away so that no one, especially the lady, can catch you eavesdropping. Pretending to admire the Gucci purses displayed in front of the shop you’re now standing at, and almost choking at the price, you cautiously side-eye blondie as she refuses to back down from the hybrid boys.

“Listen here you rude little pets, I’m not leaving you alone until I see your owner. My Sylvia here,” she gestures to the fox hybrid behind her, “would make a perfect partner for you.” She pokes the orange haired hybrid again, “I’ve been searching so long for her to find a mate and I’m not giving you up! Now where the hell is your owner!”

What the fuck?! How dare this lady talk to them like that? And in public no less! You now know exactly why she’s yelling at them. Working at a private hybrid clinic has opened your eyes to the harsh world of hybrids, and their selfish, rich owners. It’s not uncommon for owners to negotiate with each other and breed their hybrids. If two pretty hybrids mate, their children can be sold for loads of money. It's cruel and disgusting, with many of the children sold off before they can even get to know their parents. You’re all too familiar with this tradition, often catching owners in the waiting room of your clinic discussing in whispers about buying and selling hybrid children as if they’re livestock.

“Hey what the fuck did you call us?!” The white and grey hybrid is now also raising his voice. “Listen you wrinkly bi…!” He is quickly silenced by the orange hybrid, who abruptly clamps his hand over his buddy’s mouth.

Orange hair clears his throat. “What he means is, we don’t appreciate the tone you’re using with us. Please leave us alone ma’am. We’ll be on our way. Goodbye.” They attempt to brush past her.

“Hey hold on a minute! I’m not done with you!!” This lady even has the balls to grab onto orange hair’s arm. “I demand to speak to your owner!” Then some sort of realization dawns upon her because her eyes go wide, then quickly narrow. “And where are your collars? Aren’t owned hybrids supposed to have collars on? You know I just might have to call Hybrid Services.” 

You can see the boys visibly tense at her words as she sports a satisfied smirk. Poor Sylvia is now gently tugging on her shirt. “Please calm down, miss…” she says desperately trying to remedy the situation.

Before you know it, and without any plan of action, you round the corner and march up to the boys, standing defensively in front of them.

“Um…” You gulp, then clear your throat, speaking in what you hope is a more confident tone. “Sorry I took so long guys! You wouldn’t believe the line at the coffee shop!”

Next

#bts fic #bts hybrid au #hoseok fanfic #yoongi fanfic #bts smut #bts fluff #bts fanfction #hybrid hoseok #hybrid yoongi #bts hybrid fic

[marybeatriceofmodena]

Ben Solo’s Story Arc - An Autopsy

This will be the second post before I publish the full TROS review, mainly because it’s yet another thing I want to get out of the way first. After which, I’ll be posting an announcement about the future of this blog, but no worries – I’ll be sticking around.

After Rey and her parentage, I’ll be talking about Ben here specifically – mainly because I have a pretty big inkling that his plotline for TROS was mutilated, and that he initially actually had an arc.

Except, somewhere in the executive meddling, for reasons I myself am not sure of (okay, I got some theories but it’s pointless to share them here), it got cut.

The Rise of Kylo Ren might be an inkling that there was something more in the works, also that when it comes to its take on Snoke, it directly contradicts things TROS sets up. The simplest explanation is that the Lucasfilm Story Group had a hand in TRoKR, and not for TROS. But even then… the comic reveals things that make me BAFFLED they didn’t put that in the films. I don’t want to be that person who thinks 30 minutes of TLJ should have been dedicated to Snoke’s origins, but stuff like how Ben didn’t even destroy Luke’s Jedi Camp? THAT’S the kind of thing you need to include in your film.

Also, I 110% believe the rumors that JJ Abrams just ignored the Story Group’s existence entirely. Wanna know why? Just the fact that Exogol is established as the Sith world… when we know thanks to The Clone Wars that it’s Moraband – which would have been super easy to use. But fuck continuity I guess.

I will say though, I am NOT surprised it’s leaking out that the movie was severely tempered with and was constantly changing during production, simply because from my first (and only) viewing… I could tell something was wrong. Namely, I could tell that Ben’s arc had been mutilated – and the more I think about it, the more glaring it gets. It’s not even that I’m mad that Adam Driver (aka Golden Globe/Academy Award nominee Adam Driver) gets relegated to playing Darth Exposition for 75% of the film (and godawful exposition at that), it’s literally that so much of what remains of his arc makes no sense, and it affects Palpatine and Rey by extension.

I explained why Rey’s character arc was butchered here, and I’ve also talked about how Palpatine’s implication in her arc didn’t work either, so I won’t talk about it too much here, nor do you need to have read it prior in order to understand this post. I will also point out that a lot of what will be my speculation – so for all I know, I could be wrong, but I’m trying to fill in the holes here.

So, for starters… somehow, Ben knows that Palpatine is still alive. Somehow, he knows how to get to him. AND SOMEHOW, THE WRITERS DECIDED NOT EXPLAINING SHIT WAS THE WAY TO GO. This is not even on the level of not explaining who the fuck Snoke is in the two previous films – while I do think there could have been a throwaway line in TLJ, it didn’t “hinder” the story.

HOWEVER, not explaining how Palpatine is still around and kicking (well, he’s on life support so kicking might be a little too flattering), why he decided to reveal himself right there, right then, and how the hell Ben knows he’s around, how he figured out how to get to Exogol using the holocrons… THAT IS A BIG PROBLEM. This is the triggering element of the rising action in your story. But before you do that, YOU. NEED. EXPOSITION. TO. SET. UP. THE. CONTEXT. OF. YOUR. STORY.

What TROS did would be like skipping Finn’s intro when he’s with his Stormtrooper squad on Jakku, removing the interrogation with Poe and Kylo entirely, and just start TFA with him escaping with Poe without any explanation given. Oh, and also cut out Rey’s introduction as well, and we first meet her when she kicks Finn’s ass in Niima Outpost. You’d just have a bunch of characters coming out of nowhere, and you’d have no frigging clue what they’re doing, and what they want. And that’s what TROS does with Ben and Palpatine.

Take the handling of Snoke, for instance. I’d be a lot more mad about the Snoke retconning if it wasn’t for… what I’m going to call the “Snoke Stew” (and I’d crack a joke about how it was probably made with the DNA of a guy called Stu, which is not funny but still funnier than most of the jokes in TROS). That’s pretty much the one thing that stops me from being mad, because of how STUPID it is.

But the explanation for Snoke’s origins just… retcons so much that has been established before, INCLUDING INFO FROM A COMIC THAT CAME OUT AFTER TROS. We knew Snoke had a past, even if we weren’t privy to it yet. We did kind of know that he was a rich guy, like all the shitty rich people we saw in Canto Bight, who happened to be a Dark Sider and was seemingly smart enough to kill his way to the top. Considering how exploitative the First Order is when it comes to resources and that a rich patron would be welcomed with open arms, it makes sense.

With the explanation given by TROS, it just provides a fuck ton of plotholes to the fact he took over the First Order while killing off old Imperial higher-ups to establish himself as Supreme Leader. Do you really think a guy in a golden bathrobe would just be able to take over out of fucking nowhere because he killed all the higher-ups? No. And even if some of the higher-ups knew that Snoke was a Palps plant (like Pryde seems to), I doubt Ben would have stayed Supreme Leader for as long as a year.

But that’s not even the biggest problem! Seriously, I don’t know if Palps is senile in this film, because we got an ENTIRE trilogy explaining how the guy is one of the worst evil masterminds to have ever lived, in the Galaxy Far Far Away and even in today’s culture. Here, you don’t even understand what the fuck he even wants! I’m “guessing” he fucked with Ben to get his revenge on Anakin, because he uses Ben as his lackey while being seemingly totally oblivious that Ben is working against him (what happened to “every voice in your head”???). He wants Ben to kill Rey… while knowing Rey is his granddaughter, and while telling her when she shows up that he wants to use her as a new host or some shit. Seriously, MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY.

This said… I honestly wonder if Ben was initially meant to be the new host, and not Rey. Because not only that was an actual theory I had pre-TROS, but it would make a shit ton more sense than having Rey be the host – not to mention it’d be the ultimate revenge against Anakin (and if you want to get REAL yucky, he may have planned to have Rey be his new consort, but I’ll spare you more speculation about that aspect). But nah, I guess.

The most damning thing in all this is that there’s no difference in Ben’s overall behavior and actions AFTER Snoke has been killed, when it’s clear Snoke was the biggest influence on him. Saying that Palpatine just kept messing with him makes no sense because with Snoke dead, any voice Ben would still hear would make him go “NOPE” and do exactly the opposite of what said voice tells him to do.

Like, for real, with Snoke dead, unless he’s REALLY stupid (I mean… Ben is reckless, but not stupid), why would Ben do anything a now Random Voice would tell him to do?

The thing is, there have been hints in previous material that Ben isn’t exactly 110% on board with what the First Order does. He’s clearly against blowing up planets, he snarks about how Stormtroopers should be clones instead – which could just be a throwaway snarky line, but considering Ben’s past… I can see him not being too fuzzy about the Stormtrooper program. Like, I’m not saying he’d start a Galactic Free Donut Day, but there would be a change. It wouldn’t be Business as Usual – especially that Ben wasn’t that young (23) when he joined Snoke, and it’s a little hard to go from “My uncle tried to kill me in my sleep and I’m going towards the one figure I think can protect me” to “Blowing up planets and enslaving people is the way to go”. It would have worked if Ben had been brainwashed from his teens, but not so much as an adult – hence you need a little more nuance with Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.

Oh yeah, and the Knights of Ren? They’re just there to look cool. “But they kidnapped Chewie!” Yeah, what was the fucking point of them kidnapping Chewie apart from giving a reason for the Beautiful Friendship Gang to get on the Star Destroyer and give us fake suspense because we all know how it’s gonna end, just end my suffering already. Also, NO INTERRACTION WITH BEN? DID YA FORGET CHEWIE IS LIKE, HIS UNCLE? DID YALL FORGET BEN WAS PART OF YOUR FAMILY OR…

Seriously, that sequence on Pasaana where they’re just standing there on top of a fucking mountain? I called that part the Backdesert Boys. That tells ya how much I hated it.

Oh yeah, and they’re fighting fodder for Benny Boy in the end, because of course they were Palps’ lackeys all along, can’t think of anything else that’s more imaginative.

So what could they possibly add to Ben’s arc, that would explain so much, like how Ben finds Palpatine, or how he’s always one step ahead from the Beautiful Friendship Gang in their Wild Goose Chase no one fucking cares about?

This is where I got into speculation/conspiracy theory territory. Brace yourselves. 

*

So, the film has Lando reveal that he and Luke “knew” about Palps being around thanks to snooping around… except that makes no bloody sense. Lando was never involved in a Force plot of any kind, and he was never that close to Luke anyway. I mean, Lando’s a nice guy and all, but he’s not really besties with Luke – he’s Han’s friend.

So that research should have taken place either before Ben joined Luke at Jedi Camp, either after. Then again, before would make no sense, because why would Luke leave that critical of a search on the ice for 10 to 15 years? The only place where I can place it in time, where it would make logical sense… would be when Ben was around, and it’d make WAY more sense to have him be Luke’s sidekick in that search.

It would have totally explained why Luke freaked the fuck out reading Ben’s mind, because only Palpatine can give her that severe of a PTSD-like reaction. It would have totally explained why Ben would run to Snoke, grooming and desperation set aside, under the promise that they’d associate to defeat Palps, because if you ignore the plot hole extravaganza of TROS, you’d bet Snoke wouldn’t want Palps anywhere near his throne – mainly because Snoke is a wannabe Palpatine who targeted Ben to get his own Vader. It would have totally explained why Ben thought becoming Supreme Leader is a good idea – even if it’s morally wrong, it makes logical sense. It would have totally explained why Kylo was collecting Sith artefacts in the year gap while keeping in mind he made his distaste for the Sith clear in TLJ. It would have totally provided the audience (and Rey) a good reason to forgive Ben, because even if he had godawful methods, he wanted to do the right thing and save the galaxy from the person who came this close to destroying them, as well as his family. That would have provided for him the means to realize that he cannot defeat Palpatine using Palpatine’s means – as Rose said, he’ll win by saving what he loves, and not destroying what he hates. That would have made Rey the glitch in the matrix, who must join forces with Ben because without her, he would have been doomed despite his best efforts.

And before you tell me that would have been unnecessary… let me put it to you this way. Ben keeps saying it's too late, and if it was just that, it could be interpreted as him thinking he went too far to come back. But he also adds that he has "something to do", and I'm here waving my arms like "WHAT? WHY? FUCK, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KILL YOUR FELLOW STUDENTS!!! THEY'RE NOT EVEN BOTHERED TO SAY THAT IN THE ACTUAL FILM!!!"

Hence why my theory is the simplest way to just tie it all neatly together, without retconning anything. There.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SUPER SIMPLE TO DO. Except that, as I mentioned earlier, they mutilated Ben’s arc, and left him to play the part of Darth Exposition, until the very end, when they have Ben save what he loves… but even then, I can’t even appreciate that either, because it happens in a way that makes EVERYONE look horrible, while Ben is, from a storytelling perspective, a saint… a saint everyone ultimately forgot about.

#star wars #tros spoilers #the rise of skywalker spoilers #rants and reviews #anti tros #tros negativity #kylo ren #ben solo #reylo #my meta #reylo meta #ben solo meta #kylo ren meta

[burning-omen]

Mob!Tom Holland x Male!Mob boss!reader

Request by @filippoleonirussoc : hi dear, sorry to botjer you! Can I ask for a male!mob!reader meeting mob!tom at university?? Like they hate each other but are assigned to have a project work together and after a brief fight in which the reader beats tom, they happe to become friends due to common interests? Hope you can write this!!

Warnings: Reader slam chokes Tom, me projecting my Trauma™ in this, cursing maybe, idk I forgot. Parents and family talk

Enemies to friends to lovers

 A/n: I do NOT write for actors, this was written in a state of pure boredom and slight sleep deprivation. Thank you, enjoy.

Word count: 3,280

Your decision to attend university baffled your parents and then decision to attend university in enemy territory baffled them even more. They asked you why, they told you it would be dangerous, they tried to convince you to go to school in their territory. 

You simply told them that this was a power play and that you weren’t afraid in the slightest. You knew you’d have to take over the family business someday soon and your parents had been cowering under the Holland Family since the beginning of their organized crime union. You wanted to end the shameful dynamic your families had. And you would do that by walking into their territory like you owned it. Meaning you would attend school there and even live there for a while.

Of course there was the large chance of you getting assassinated, but as long as you were careful you’d be fine.

You thought that until your first day. There was nothing inherently wrong with the school, no, almost everything was perfect. Up until you got to your last class of the day. Sitting in the far back was Tom Holland. Of the Holland family, obviously. You’ve met him twice before, once when you were really young, back when your family and the Holland’s aren’t so much as enemies but more of friendly competitors. Back then both crime rings were relatively new, coming up and replacing older one that had been around for decades. 

They used to meet up, talk about things you never bothered to listen to because you were four. They brought their son, and as most children where, you were a complete asshole to him. After a wedge was driven between your family’s you didn’t see him for a long time. 

Not until you were around 17, you saw him at a party, one of those fancy ones with all the rich people that were always a little wine drunk. You played nice with him then, seeing as your families had a common “sponsor” that neither of you wanted to be responsible for losing. So you acted civil with him, and he did the same with you. Well passive aggressive comments that could be played off in a civil way.

You sighed, he was more than likely going to be taking over his family's business soon too. Meaning your childhood rivalry would turn into a more permanent hatred. But that was fine, besides, you highly doubted he’d try anything seeing as you both were attending school and, apparently, his parents were very keen on him having a semi-normal school life(you learned that from one of the many people who spied on the Holland’s). Which was good for you because you planned on doing the same… Mostly.

You could still bother your future greatest enemy, right?

Without a second thought you walked all the way to the back and sat at the desk next to his.

“Hello, Tom.” You said nonchalantly.

Tom, who’d been writing something down in a notebook, took a quick glance over at you, muttered a quick, “hey.” before going back to writing. Only to stop a second later and look back at you. Once he realized it was you he could feel a burning rage deep in his chest.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He asked in a low voice.

You simply grind at him. “What do you mean, I’m simply trying to get an educati-”

“Bullshit, if you just wanted an education you would have attended one of the schools in your own territory. So I’ll ask again, what the hell are you doing here?” He- well he didn’t exactly ask, more of demand.

But you weren’t going to go running home because he used his “super threatening” voice on you. No, you’re a lot of things, scared of Tom Holland isn’t one of them.

“Listen, how do I explain to you that I honestly don’t give a single fuck. You can use your threatening voice all you want, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here, for the entire time. It’s whether or not you leave that up for debate.”

He gave you a cold, hard glared but you didn’t falter, only giving him the same look in return.

And then your professor walked in, she didn’t exactly look like she should have been teaching a college class, more like she should be teaching a 6th grade art class. And she taught like you were all in a 6th grade at class. It was...a bit weird. But you got used to it, you’d have to if you were going to attend this class every couple of days.

As the weeks went by you’d gotten used to the class, and Tom’s many attempts of getting you expelled. Most were just plain stupid to the point where you worried for the future of the Holland family but some had actually gotten you in trouble. You let them slide, but didn’t forget them. You’d get him back for those things eventually.

...or maybe your teacher would.

“Okay class,” she started, pulling a folder out of her bag. “Today I’ll be announcing the partners for the upcoming project!”

The project was announced last time you were in this class. It wasn’t one of those fun ones where you get to make a little model, no, it was one of those ‘write a 30 page essay’ ones. 

“Why the fuck do I have to write a whole novel on a subject that she already knows about?” You muttered to yourself as she flipped through the papers in her file.

You were hoping to get Lila as a partner, she was smart, but completely unnoticeable. She would be the best partner for you to stay ambiguous. But the changes of that were extremely low. 

But apparently your chances of partnering with Tom were more likely than you thought, the moment she announced it you both very suddenly shouted, “What!?”

She looked at the two of you with a bit of surprise.

“Is there a problem?”

Yeah, our families have been at war with each other for the past 15 years and we’re enemies by nature because we have to take over their places as head of the family soon, therefore we hate each other.

“No..” you muttered, sitting back in your seat.

She smiled, “Great.”

You heard Tom groan next to you.

“The universe is testing me today…”

You laughed quietly, “this is going to suck.”

And it did. He refused to work with you for the first few days, but he became more willing once he realized that it was due in 2 weeks and he had nothing. Then there was the whole hating each other thing, everything turned into an argument, which led to you not being able to work in public with him anymore due to it turning into a screaming match within minutes.

Which brings you here, Tom sitting across from you in your dorm writing, using a textbook as a desk because he refused to sit with you at yours. The room was dead silent, other than the sound of pencil on paper nothing could be heard.

Until Tom groaned loudly as he erased soothing from his paper.

You turned to him, setting down your pencil on your desk (not noticing as it rolled off the table and into the fifth dimensions.) 

“What?” You asked, semi annoyed.

“This is fucking ridiculous! It makes no fucking sense!”

You walked over to him and took a quickly look at his paper, almost immediately spotting the problem.

“I’m pretty sure that 2 is meant to be a 3.”

He looked up at you, confused before looking back down at his paper.

“What ‘2’?”

“The only 2 on the entire fucking paper, that’s ‘what 2’.”

He glared up at you, putting his work to the side and standing up.

“You know wha-”

You interrupted him quickly.

“If you have something to say, do it quietly. I’d rather not have security come in here because you can’t keep your mouth shut..”

The room was completely silent for a moment, Tom just stared up at you, despise clear on his face, and in a moment of carelessness, he pushed you.

Now you never expected to get physical with Tom, sure you argued with him and he was supposedly your worst enemy but you didn’t think you have to fight him anytime soon, and you didn’t think he’d be the one attempting to start a fight.

The push really didn’t do much, seeing as Tom is relatively small. But it did hurt your pride. Did he really think that a little shove was going to work?

You were pulled out of your thoughts by Tom pushing you, again and again and again.

You could hear him shouting insults at you, but you just watched as he fussed and fumed. This went on for longer than you wanted to admit and you were now ready for it to end. So you did a little move you old bodyguard taught you called ‘grab ‘em by the neck and slam ‘em on the floor’

This was a relatively easy thing to do because, as stated before, Tom is quite small and very obviously has never been in a real fight ever in his life. So, while he was still yelling you grabbed his neck, pressing your palm against his throat. You could feel him gulp against it as he went completely silent. He attempted to bring his shaky hands up to pull you off of him but before he could you pushed him down onto a clear space on the floor, pressing harder on his throat.

He let out a short, strained breath, then struggled to take another as you rested more of your weight into your hand.

You sighed, staring down at him for a moment before moving off of him. Taking your hand off his throat and scooting back against your desk.

He did something similar, pushing himself all the way back to your wall with shock clear in his face.

The two of you sat across from each other. Not saying a word,  just sitting in silence.

After a few minutes you spoke up.

“Listen Tom, I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to continue this little feud. At least while we’re still in school. It would be better for both of us if we could just...put our family's drama aside for now…”

There was a few seconds of silence between the  two of you that felt as though it went on for years.

“I..” he took a deep breath before continuing. “I think you’re right.”

“Okay, then it’s settled. Our family’s will not affect the way we treat each other from here on out, alright?”

“Okay..”

You pulled yourself up on your feet then walked over to Tom, holding your hand to him. He stared at it, then looked up at you before taking it. You hoisted him up. 

“Let’s hurry and finish this project..”

And finish the project you did. Maybe even in record time. It actually rediculce how fast the two of you finished when you weren’t arguing. But there was still something wrong. It was the silence. Sure it was better than arguing but his silence would be the death of you.

And you knew. You knew you fucked up. 

Maybe your reaction was a little overboard. He’d done similar things before during your arguments over the week and normally him trying to fight you wasn’t a problem. It was today though. You overreacted and the result of that hurt more than you thought it would.

He just looked so upset. From the moment he’d finished his paper he’d had this sad look on his face. The loss of focus got him thinking.

He’d never been afraid of you before, he’s never been afraid of anyone before. But the moment he felt himself get pulled down he couldn’t feel anything other than fear. And then he looked up at you, and you were so angry, even if it was only from a moment.

Then you let him go, pulling back from him, giving him the space he desperately needed. He pushed himself up to a wall, knees pulled into his chest as he tried to stop tears from swelling in his eyes. He was successful, and he kept the tears away until he finished his paper. 

Tom stared down at it, the last page sitting on top of all the others. He sat his pencil down, still staring at the paper, unblinking as his vision began to blur from the tears in his eyes. Only clearing when the first one fell, dripping onto the paper and smearing his writing. He could feel them running down his face, gathering at his chin before dripping onto the paper. 

You hadn’t realized he’d been crying until you heard a loud sniffly that pulled you away from doodling on a spare paper. You looked over at him, before dropping your pen and walking over.

You sat down next to him, watching as tears fell from his eyes. You didn’t know what to say, you caused this but you didn’t know how to un-cause it. So, you did the one thing that you didn’t want to do.

“I’m sorry, Tom. I overreacted earlier, I didn’t mean to but I did and…” you took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

You could hear him gasp slightly, be it from shock or a result of his crying. Maybe it was both but in a second he silenced himself, the tears stopped flowing and he was calm.

“I should be going..”

Without another word he gathered his things and headed towards the door. Before he walked out he turned you, a tiny smile playing on his lips.

“You’re forgiven.”

And with that he was gone.

You didn’t see him again until class a few days later. He’d been more eager to sit next to you today than he’d been the rest of the year.

It was a bit awkward at first, neither wanting to discuss the last time they were together.

But you wanted to speak to him, so you gathered you courage, turned to him and- oh dear god is that a bruise?

Every bit of confidence left you the moment you saw it. It was mostly healed, but the purplish-pink that went over his throat was unmistakably in the loose shape of your hand.

Tom must have noticed because he lifted his hand to it before speaking.

“It’s not as bad as it looks, it's mostly due to me messing with it.”

“It shouldn’t be there at all..”

He sighed.

“It’s fine. Trust me, it doesn’t even hurt.”

Now you sighed, “If you say so.”

After that you and Tom grew quite close. You both had similar interests. You read some of the same books, watched some of the same movies, played some of the same games.

That along with the fact that you could make each other laugh made you fast friends. Much to both of your parents dismay. But neither of you cared. You had a new friend.

You realized you thought of him a different way during your first movie night together.

It’d been a few months since your little “fight” with him and he’d coaxed you into letting him stay over to watch movies through the night.

By 12 o clock you both comfortably squished together on the couch, covered by a blanket to block out any cold air.

And as the movie played on you could feel Tom move against your chest. You looked down at him only to see him looking up at you.

“Yes, Tom?”

“Nothing…”

“Really?”

“Mhmm.”

“Alright then..”

You could see his cheeks had reddened and he attempted to steal small glances at you but you caught him every time. The way his face got brighter every time you caught him made you think a thought you don’t think very often in friendships.

Is this something straight people would do?

The answer was usually ‘no’

Seeing as you’re (sexuality) and almost every person you’ve considered a friend was also some form of queer the answer was usually ‘definitely the fuck not’.

So what was different about your relationship with Tom that made you go ‘this is very not straight.’?

Then it smacked you right in your face. You had a tiny itty bitty crush on him. Which is why it felt different from being with you other queer friends, you weren’t attracted to them but you were attracted to him. 

And you decide to realize this while he’s laying on chest. Great.

Great.

That’s fine…

...so turns out it’s not fine.

Very not fine.

Because you were staring and after a few minutes Tom was staring back, his cheeks still bright red and getting redder every second.

“Hello..” he mumbled.

“Hi..”

You stared at each other for a while, feeling your heartbeat pick up a little. He was the one to end your little staring contest, turning back to the tv to watch the movie, you did the same a moment later.

From that day forward you and Tom got a lot closer. You don’t know if it was your staring or your abrupt cuddling but whatever it was it had made the two of you want to be around each other more and more. 

By the end of your first year both you and Tom thought you couldn’t get any closer. Despite your underlying feelings for him you didn’t act on them. Just as he didn’t act on his. Not until it was time for both of you to go back home. Home where your families hated each other and expected both of you to follow in their footsteps.

“It will be fine, trust me..” Tom muttered.

You were standing in your room, holding onto him as he was holding onto you.

“I don’t know Tom, what if they find out that we’re friends”

“Friends” didn’t feel like a strong enough word for what you felt for him. It didn’t even sound right when you said it.

You could feel Tom pull away from you. 

“Listen, Y/n… I’ve been meaning to talk with you about something for a while now. I just don’t know where to start with it…”

He pulled back farther until he was completely out of your arms, then took your hand in his and pulled you over to sit on the edge of your bed with him.

“I know that we’re meant to hate each other and someday we’ll have to hate each other for the good of our families but I-” he sighed softly, “-I don’t want to hate you, ever. I want to stand by you, even when we take over our families businesses. And I want to be with you, not just as friends...I...I like you, a lot and I know I shouldn’t but-”

You cut him off with a tight hug, resting your head on his shoulder. Slowly, he hugged you back.

“I like you to, Tom...but.” You could feel his entire body tense up, his hands grabbing a hold of the back of your shirt. You laughed a bit. “But I wish you would have told me this after the break because now I won’t be able to see you.”

Now he was laughing. “And continue pining for another few months? I don’t think so.”

You smiled down at him, “ Alright. We have so much to talk about and so little time.”

“I think our families could wait another day for us, don’t you?”

#tom holland #tom holland x male reader #x male reader #mob!tom holland #mob au #its 12:35 #you're welcome #this homo is going the f*ck to SLEEP #tw choking #not in the sexy way #tw parents #sometimes parents aren't that cash money #they're mentioned lightly in this #tw cursing #tw arguing #just in case #no beta read

[theexecutionerssong]

Hey Gaëlle ! Est-ce-que tu aurais des recommendations de fic Destiel ? Sans trop de smut, surtout pas beta/Omega (c'est même plus du smut à ce niveau-là...) et beaucoup de pining ? ( Je devrai être en train de réviser mes partiels d'ailleurs... 😅). Merci beaucoup ! 😌

Hellooo ! Alors tu as frappé à la bonne porte parce que je lis jamais de smut, ou alors quand c’est dans des longues fics, je passe juste ces passages là. (mais j’aime beaucoup les fic a/b/o qui ont pas de smut, parce que les sentiments sont quintuplés donc pining + angst on a whole other level). Y’a peu de fluff dans mes fics préférées, love me some angsty life and death moments, mais ça finit toujours bien. Enfin. Vérifie les tags quand même :)))) J’ai mis les liens, si y’a pas c’est qu’elles ont été supprimées mais j’ai les pdf donc hit me up.Et révise tes partiels !!!!

CANON

A turn of the earth -https://archiveofourown.org/works/5138552/chapters/11825306

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

Probably my favorite fic set in Canon. It’s set around season 11, and I love how we dive into Dean’s past pre-series and then as time goes by, we catch up with the show timeline’s. It’s incredibly well written.

525,600 Minutes - https://archiveofourown.org/works/507228/chapters/892693

A man wakes up alone on the streets of Detroit. Lost and somehow forgotten, he's dressed in blood-soaked clothing without memories and without a name.

This is his journey to find it.

It was first published in 2012 set after s5, but it was rewritten last year. I still have the old version for nostalgia’s sake but the new version is even better. It’s got some amnesia so great for pining :))))

The inexhaustible silence of houses -https://archiveofourown.org/works/560268/chapters/1000755

Almost two years after the world doesn't end, Castiel falls from grace—and loses his voice in the process. It is the impetus for confession and change; before long, he is settling into a loving relationship with Dean, the Winchesters are tired, and hunting for a place to land has taken precedence to hunting anything else. Dean and Castiel fall in love with the strange little house on the end of Swallowtail Drive, and for a little while life is as it should be—sweet, affectionate, and beginning afresh.

But more and more Castiel sees and hears things in the house that beg the question of whether or not a place itself can be alive. The walls and rooms seem to shift and grow and breathe, and one night, Dean comes home from a hunt changed in a way that Castiel cannot explain. In the months that follow, their domestic bliss takes turns for the dark and sour, and the confusion of their circumstances will ultimately test everything Castiel knows about the man he loves, and everything he believes to be true.

Listen, I cried. I cried SO MUCH. There was a lil fandom war going on for a time between which was the hardest, this one or Twist and Shout, and both destroy me completely. But this one is set in canon and closer to the characters, to me, so I’ll always recommend this one first (unless you want a happy ending, in which case, don’t read it)

Only if for a night - https://archiveofourown.org/works/826303

Castiel is captured by a djinn. Dean goes slightly crazy, and Cas discovers a thing or two about himself.

I’m a sucker for Dean/Cas in Djinn verse and this one is by far my favorite.

The Bird That Feels The Light (not slash) https://archiveofourown.org/works/210860

AU from 5.18 (or thereabouts). Castiel awakens in the middle of a smoking crater, stranded and very much human. According to the people who have discovered him, it’s six months to the day after Michael and Lucifer faced off on the field of battle outside of Detroit, and Castiel isn’t the only one to have returned. When, at his insistence, they take him to this other person, he finds a child –a little boy– and realizes that, contrary to all his expectations, he has been reunited with Dean Winchester. The world has changed in their absence, and not for the better. Sam is gone, whether dead or simply missing is uncertain. Castiel is given the name of a man in Idaho who may have answers for him. He is faced with the task of travelling cross-country with Dean, who is dependent on him now in ways he never was before, in order to discover the truth. But along the way, as he and Dean learn to know and trust each other once more, Castiel begins to realize that the answers he thought he wanted might not be the ones he needs.

It’s not slash at all since Dean is a kid but I’ve read it probably about 20 times and I still love it as the first time. There’s just something about human Castiel carrying a 4 year old Dean across the world and fighting monsters and demons and humans to survive that gets to me.

Hands, From Which All Things Are Built - https://archiveofourown.org/works/747324

Castiel travels with the angel tablet and without the Winchesters. One day, Dean gets a text from some anonymous number. (They speak in the language of need.) A post-08.17 Goodbye, Stranger story.

If you want pining, this one is definitely for you.

Last Man Standing - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8363328/1/Last-Man-Standing

This one is set just after the season 7 finale, it’s a Purgatory fic with so.much.pining I always need to hold a pillow to my chest when I read it or I go insane sdfghjkl I haven’t read it in probably 4 years but I remember absolutely loving it.

Outrun my gun - https://archiveofourown.org/works/281887/chapters/448388

"The two of you are so stubborn you've made Heaven blink." Finally convinced that Sam and Dean will never say yes and accept their destinies, Heaven and Hell come up with a new plan, one that will redraw the Apocalypse and make everything run much more smoothly. All they need is Dean Winchester's soul.

Don’t mind the MCD tag, it’s got a happy ending. Also a classic set in canon, it’s from 2011 so quite oldish but it’s incredible how the characterization is on point. Love love love it.

AU

Tramps Like Us

Dean Winchester's life is falling apart. He's lost his job, his apartment, and his brother, all in one day. He seems to break everything he touches. Frustrated and alone, he drives off into the night with no idea where he's headed. But then he meets Castiel Novak, a quiet and reclusive man with a haunted past, and suddenly he finds himself with a very specific destination in mind.

I feel like everyone has read Tramps Like Us but just in case, I’ll put it on the list. Not sure what I can say that hasn’t been said by half this website already but well… it deserves the hype.

Til The Last - https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001935/chapters/1984189

When the war came, Dean Winchester was determined that he was not going to get involved. He had more important things to worry about than some rich man’s fight. He had work on the farm and he had taking care of his family. Nothing else was worth his worry. But in August in the Year of Our Lord 1863, when the soldiers came knocking, they weren’t asking. They dragged Dean away. 

Dean and Cas have been best friends since they were kids. When Dean is drafted into the Confederate army, to what lengths will Castiel go to ensure that Dean makes it back home alive?

OH BOY. OHHHHH I could talk about that one until the day I die. It’s a complete AU but it has great parallels to canon, it’s incredibly well written, humanity in all it’s ugly truth and “I will fight for you ‘til the last, Dean Winchester” jesus christ it’s so good, so good

Out of the Deep - https://archiveofourown.org/works/548878

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep.

It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep.

Castiel should have listened better.

I love everything she writes but I think this one if my favorite. It’s sooooo long, and angsty as fuck but all ends well and it has some very fluffy moments. If you’re into this kinf of AU then 100% go for it.

To Raise a King - https://archiveofourown.org/works/1961403

This must be some kind of horrible joke at Castiel’s expense. Is he truly expected to protect a King? One who has been their enemy for as long as he can remember? He is much more suited to being a part of the army, or at the very least someone who helps to train the knights. That would be far more preferred than having to watch over the King. It means Castiel would get to keep fighting – and that’s the only way he knows to give meaning to his life.

An AU too, Cas is tasked to watch over Sam and Dean -there’s an 8 year age difference between Dean and Cas. I loved it because it’s set over about 15 years and Cas is asexual and I love time period AU in general :’)

Painted Angels https://archiveofourown.org/works/1085792

Author Castiel Novak has finally hit the big time, with a book based on his failed college relationship with a brilliant painter. He's put all his pain behind him, but at a book signing, he comes face to face with Dean Winchester for the first time in twelve years, and the reunion doesn't go like Cas hoped. Dean's a broken man, with a lot of scars and secrets, shoulders weighed down by his demons and self loathing. Cas sees a second chance with the man he's never stopped loving, but Dean's moved on, and is about to get married. Sam launches a "brilliant" plan to reunite his brother and his best friend, but Cas is worried it will all blow up in their faces, and he'll go through the agony of losing Dean a second time.

This one is hard to read because for the most part, it’s heartbreaking. There are happy flashbacks all along but it’s still hard when what happens in the present it’s a fucking tragedy. But I would still read it a thousand times over, and the timestamp completely make up for all the pining and the angst. It’s rare to find fics that last an entire lifetime.

#gaelle parle #spn #fic rec #martineaualexia

[docholligay]

The Time Traveler’s Bullshit

@katrani comissioned me to write out my full review of The Time Traverler’s Wife, my most hated book of the year thus far, and I feel like it won’t be dethroned. nearly 3,000 words and I skipped a whole section I was going to write about, ENJOY

Three dollars and ninety nine cents will buy you a Big Mac. It will buy you four hours of downtown parking in my city. Three dollars and ninety-nine cents will buy you a latte made with burnt coffee at Starbucks. For Three dollars and ninety-nine cents, I can get a can of terrible beer and have a dollar left over for tip. All of which would have been a better choice than what I ultimately spent that three dollars and ninety-nine cents on, which was this book. 

I am careful to read hyped books out of their time, so that I’m not influenced by something that has been so lauded no book could ever hope to reach those heights. So when this first came around, and I saw many women talking about how much they had loved it, I figured I would just read it later. I buy books used, so this is generally what I do even outside of worrying about being affected. 

I finally picked this book up after a reader of mine told me it reminded them of my writing. 

After reading it, several years after all the hype, I have one question: Are women who fuck men okay? 

(“Why not just straight women, Doc?” you may rightly ask me, and I, unfortunately, am forced to answer that I know a number of bisexual women who also enjoyed this book, leading me to believe that the trouble is far worse than previously imagined.)

I found this book to be borderline insulting, and if I didn’t know any better, I would have claimed this book was written by a man. The entire way through I felt the constant assault of the idea that this reminded someone of ME. What have I been doing wrong all my life, I asked? I should probably give up writing. 

Let’s go into the book itself!

The core of the novel hinges around the idea that Henry goes through time without wanting to and with no consious conrol, and so in a sense lives his life out of order. This is a fascinating idea but for the fact that book’s main hinge is the relationship between Clare and Henry. 

Who Henry meets, as an adult out of time, when she is six. 

And proceeds to groom her to be his wife someday. 

Oh, it isn’t put that way, of course, it’s simply that they end up married and so, I suppose the author might say, it’s only natural that Henry interact with her when he comes the “the Meadow” nearby where she lives. But this sort of “things are already decided” that the author is extremely fond of does not remove this intensely squicky framework from their relationship. Henry begins with Clare when she is six years old, and it comes on VERY fast that they are supposed to get married. She is at a sleepover, still as a literal child, ELEVEN YEARS OLD, when the Ouija board spells out his name as the boy who likes her. 

The book takes pains to describe how he won;t have sex with her until she’s 18, but how difficult it is for a thirties to forties man not to have sex with her when she’s 15, 16, 17. I want to say there might be a part where he describes it when she’s 14, but I can’t find it in the book right now, so we’ll pretend it’s not there. “But they’re married in the furute!” one might say, listen if my wife had to resist having sex with sixteen year old me, and didn’t see me as a fucking child, I would think she was gross. It’s gross for a thirty-something to forty -something dde to struggle not to fuck a teenager, period, end of story. 

All of this is wrapped in the book’s idea that this is romantic, instead of the idea that Clare’s “date with destiny” is tragic. She doesn’t ever have a boyfriend, because she is “waiting for Henry”. She sleeps with one of Henry’s friends before he and Clare ever officially “meet” and bursts into tears because she feels as if she has been unfaithful. Meanwhile, Henry is out having girlfriends like no one’s business, and “Well Doc he doesn’t know” why is Clare the one who has to bear this arranged marriage? 

Clare herself even alludes to the way she’s being groomed to be the woman he wants in a way that I DO NOT THINK the author intended, as the author is desperately wrapped up in the idea that this is sexy and romantic and not deeply fucking unsettling. 

Pretentious-ass Henry is dropping German into a casual conversation with a thirteen year old so that you know he is learned and cool, and explain that it’s from Rilke, one of their (note: Not your, but OUR) favorite poets. 

Clare responds: “You’re doing it again!” 

“What?” 

“Telling me what I like.” Clare burrows into my lap with her feet. Without thinking I put my feet on her shoulders, but then that seems too sexual, somehow, and I quickly take Clare’s feet in my hands again and hold them together with one hand in the air as she lies on her back, innocent and angelic with her hair spread nimbus-like around her on the blanket. (Sidebar: I can only fucking imagine that the sort of people that are into this are the sort of people who think nothing at the idea of some Victorian gentleman marrying his attractive young ward, as apparently there’s no problem with having seen someone as a child and then having them marry you! It’s not deeply fucked up at all!)  …..

“Henry?” 

“Yes?”

“You are making me different.” 

“I know.” 

These brief asides are meant to make us feel that Henry has done enough to assuage his guilt, that we are meant to forget that what he is doing is wrong. The book goes so far as to have sixteen year old Clare be the aggressor with a 37 or so year old Henry, as a way of trying to tell us, “Oh look none of this can be Henry’s fault” and an absolutely cringeworthy section where Henry goes and beats up a kid who took Clare on a date and proceeded to assault her. (She dates him to prove she’s not a dyke wow what a great book and thank you for reminding us that Clare never wants to see anyone else for her own sake even as a teenager, very healthy)

All of which would make me a hell of a lot more mad if I managed to like Clare even a little bit. But it’s not at all surprising that I don't--Clare is hardly a character in this story so much as she’s a cardboard cutout that exists for Henry. 

Each of her desires and thoughts revolves around him, from the time she’s a child, save for minor pouting incidents when Henry either won’t tell her something, or disagrees with her. But she always caves, but for the exception of having a child, another horrible thing we’re meant to feel sorry for them in, but I, at least, never really do, as they know the problem, they know how horribly Henry’s life has been affected, and yet they persevere. I find myself asking why in the fuck they don’t use donor sperm, but I suppose that would not fulfill Clare’s real use as being Henry’s vessel. It might have been very touching to write about their experience of infertility if they were likeable at all, or the chapters were anything but flat and emotionless despite dealing with really high-emotion topics. It’s essentially Clare saying “I want a baby inside me” and having a series of miscarriages. I’ve read more compelling narratives on online message boards. 

Not to mention when Henry suggests adopting and Clare says “That would be pretending” bitch fuck ALL THE WAY OFF. I repeat: WE ARE MEANT TO LIKE THIS CHARACTER. NOTHING ABOUT HER IS SHOWN AS A NEGATIVE. 

A fair amount of time in the book is spent describing how hot Clare is, and it’s a bit cringey to read about a super hot redhead with great tits and also rich, who’s a visual artist, and then flip to the back and see a redheaded visual artist as the author. It’s not that I don’t believe that authors are ever allowed to find themselves in a character, quite the contrary, but one hopes that there would be a level of detachment or at least plausible deniability. But no, Clare is nothing but wish fulfillment for the author, but unfortunately cannot fulfill any of ours. I get the sense that these characters are far more complex and layered in Niffenegger’s head, but they fall completely flat on the page, sketches of annoying human beings. 

Clare seems to have been raised in an Austen novel, where the home is noted for its architecture and we ‘dress for dinner’ which could be intensely compelling if they ever went anywhere with it. But we don’t. Because of course Clare’s raising in a straightlaced, extremely wealthy family has no affect on her and she is a very cool girl who is laid back and likes the right music and poetry. (Sidebar: The name dropping in this novel is SO TIRESOME. Every band, artist, poet, etc has to be named and identified so your are aware of how absolutely well-read and smart and cool Niffenegger is) 

The we’re meant to feel for Henry when her family finds out that he is half-Jewish which I suppose is meant to be shocking when he doesn’t practice or isn’t different in any marked way from her family? The character has no Jewishness in him but as a side note and dare I say for shock value. Her family isn’t even written as believably against the union, as no one can resist super cool hipster protag Henry DeTamble (Even his name sounds INSUFFERABLE) 

The problem, of course, is that the very wealthy can buy their way out of many problems, meaning that an author has to have a particular deftness of hand in order to make you feel something for them. This is not that author. Any sympathy one might have for Clare goes immediately out the window when she’s complaining about having only a small room for a studio in which to create, while she’s living off the INTEREST from her trust fund, and hiring a cleaning service because neither of them is willing to vacuum. Not her trust fund. The INTEREST from her trust fund, which means there must be so much fucking money in there we all want to scream. 

Of course, Henry goes into the future and wins the lottery so they can give her a new studio, I shit you not this is a thing that happens in a novel where we are supposedly meant to identify with the characters and feel for them. They buy a nice house with a separate studio in the backyard, not even in the house, just a large brick edifice where Clare can do whatever she wants because these people don’t have consequences until Henry’s death, and by the time he dies, we’re all thanking God that at least there’s one thing they can’t weasel out of. The book has the audacity to have them, later, describe having a private box as one of their “little indulgences” friends a private box is the realm of $1,800 dollars for ONE showing of an opera, and while I am a believer in the good of occasionally saving up to do something that is an experience, there is no way I would describe that as an ‘indulgence” but these people have such wealth that they never need worry about anything at all, except the central point, which is that Henry drifts in and out of time and we would like to sentence a child to that. 

Henry himself is a collection of traits rather than a person--it is so important to the author that we know he is a real punk with great musical taste, that he knows German and poetry and Chicago--it’s all rather a laundry list of the long-haired, tall, punkish but very classically learned boyfriend Niffenegger would like to have rather than someone who has a heart or a mind.  But the luck of it all is that she clearly cares about henry far more than she does Clare, and so he gets a bit of fleshing out with a tragic anime backstory and all that, and from time to time we see bursts of real humanity in his character. 

Their love, even if it were not burdened by the exceptional trouble of CLARE BEING GROOMED AS A CHILD, has the weight of air. Henry is a womanizer with a drug problem, but then he meets Clare, hot rich redhead who proves she’s known him her whole life, and suddenly the magic swelling violins are in the background, love has found its day, and no more is ever said about it.The book refuses to get anywhere deep into how they feel about things and why, it is only glancing blows that seem to suggest an emotion rather than allowing ourselves to get into their minds.  

The bulk of the description of their love is sex. Sex sex sex. I get it, they are hot for each other, I am trying very hard to get over the fact that they are married when Clare is 22 and Henry is thirty, but you’re giving me nothing to pin their relationship on but the fact that they enjoy railing each other and Henry has been around since Clare was a child. I don’t understand the why of their relationship even once, it all seems so accidental, and I wanted there to be a lesson, or something to be said about humanity and relationships, but I found nothing save for maybe the idea that women are fully engrossed in their relationships and men basically luck into them and then drop out from time to time? But even that is far far deeper than I think the novel deserves credit for. 

The side characters are somehow worse, mainly racist stereotypes or one note characters who ALSO exist to have their lives enhanced by the protagonists. Even their friends only exist so that Gomez can have the hots for Clare for years, because Everyone Wants To Bone Clare. 

The writing itself is terrible too, written in the style of a script, almost, rapidly shifting between first person narratives in a matter of one or two paragraphs, often, helpfully telling who is talking by, I shit you not, putting “CLARE:” or “HENRY:” before the paragraphs, so we can enjoy who it is that is navel gazing and picking over the conversation without saying anything really, save for how badly Henry wants to fuck his super hot wife, who may or may not currently be a teenager, and how desperately Clare loves him, and has loved him since she was a child, for reasons that remain unclear. 

It’s padded out and ridiculous and reads like some of the drafts when I am being a complete garbage pile, and thank you to the person online who had already typed this out so I didn’t have to:

Henry:

Clare is wearing a wine-colored velvet dress and pearls. She looks like a Botticelli by way of John Graham: huge gray eyes, long nose, tiny delicate mouth like a geisha. She has long red hair that covers her shoulders and falls to the middle of her back. Clare is so pale she looks like a waxwork in the candlelight. I thrust the roses at her. "For you."

Please try to read that with a straight face and get back to me, i could not manage it, and it was early on the book, and this sort of thing goes on for pages, if you don’t like hearing about how pale Clare is, and that she has red hair, her two most dominating character traits, you are in for a very, very rough time. 

The narrative voice of the characters is identical. I mean, I suppose I should thank whatever god is responsible for this clusterfuck for the CLARE and HENRY bits because otherwise I would have no clue who was talking from moment to moment. Does NIffenegger think all people think alike? That their internal monologues are the same? It seems to me she must because I can’t figure any other way that one could write two characters and have them, even when their opinions differ, sound like the exact same person. 

I did enjoy the letter at the end of this story--and this is where I saw where my reader connected me to this book--it almost seems as if it was written for a different novel, a novel about a doomed love between two people that truly loved each other and had rich inner lives. It’s beautiful, or it would be totally removed from this novel. 

This review has, in itself, gotten to be as rambling and listing as the novel, and so I will let it rest here. I read incredibly fast. This took me something like five or six hours to read. It was a waste of every single one of those hours and I wish I had gotten a Big Mac instead. Save yourself, save six hours, save three dollars and ninety-nine cents, and read literally anything else. 

#Doc Reads

[starlitshores]

This might end up being an unpopular opinion, but I’m actually okay with public figures - specifically white hockey players - showing up late to speak out against racism and in support of Black Lives Matter.

The statements that some players have made today sound more thoughtful and considered than I would have expected from them (the bar was low). That takes more work (and, we can hope, self-reflection) than smashing the share button on a corporate sponsor’s statement or an image that only lasts one day.

And yeah, we can choose to think positively and make the assumption that the younger guys who smashed that share button did so because their thoughts, feelings, and gut responses truly align with the messages that Black Lives Matter and bigotry is wrong and we need to do better.

But for some of these guys? Their statements sound like they had to actually take the time to open their eyes to the world outside of their privileged bubble and to actually listen. They had to take the time and sit with it and then figure out how to write a public response. And when they did, they were honest enough to admit that before this, they didn’t even notice. Not just that they have never experienced racism in any form themselves, duh, but that they were somehow walking through life willingly ignorant to reality.

And we can all sit here and go “You ASSHOLE. How did you NOT KNOW?” because I’m not trying to be funny how did you miss Michael Brown’s death and the Ferguson protests six years ago? How did your heart not break hearing about Tamir Rice over eight years ago? How have you not seen the long long lists of names of Black lives lost to police brutality? How did you not even hear about BLM holding up Pride parades IN YOUR SUMMER CITY to protest the presence and inclusion of cops? HOW?

However, everything we’ve all been sharing for the last week, we’ve been sharing in an echo chamber. We already care. So, fellow white people - and this may be obvious to many and is not intended to be repetive or condescending - we’re probably not really educating each other. But we do need to take the weight off our Black and other minority friends and educate other white people. That’s one of the big things we can and should do. And we need to accept that it’ll be uncomfortable and infuriating because the people who need educating are the ones who haven’t been paying attention, haven’t cared, and/or have actively been on the other side. (You know, the ones we don’t want to talk to at Thanksgiving or school or work. For REASONS.)

I’m biased as fuck about this because I teach racist white kids for a living. And I get one semester to shake those deeply ingrained prejudices loose enough that when I present new information or new opportunities to learn and expand their understanding of the world, something gets through. And whether it’s a 15 year old girl sobbing that she’s been a horrible person her whole life (we had a chat about white guilt and forgiving your child self in order to move forward as an ally) or a grown ass rich man finally not looking away and acknowledging his own privilege, I’ll take it. It’s a step.

What I took away from these statements, as lukewarm as some of them were, and as close-to-but-not-on-the-mark as others were, was a little ray of hope.

Based on NHL history - even though he’s answered questions about YCP and queer players and even used the word “paradigm” correctly in his response - I did not expect a player like Jonathan Toews to make any statement let alone one that I saw several white hockey fans in the comments respond to positively. And I definitely didn’t EVER think he’d also make a reference to the experience of North American First Nations in what I personally saw - ymmv - as a little dig at his team’s racist as fuck logo. (Please please please advocate for a change in the logo and branding, Jonny...)

Perhaps there are others who haven’t yet spoken up because they don’t feel ready. Either they’re not informed enough, or they don’t know how to say it, or they’re coming out of some murky dark hole of racist shit, or their white bubble just popped and the world is scarier than they realised. And there are for sure others who haven’t said anything because they’re quite happy in their white bubble and/or because they’re on the cops’ side and don’t want to bother with the PR. (Note: Eichel is an American captain, and Parise is from Minneapolis so their freedom and expectation to speak is, I’d argue, different.)

What I do know is that I’m okay with a late statement from someone who is doing the work and means it, and will happily hold them accountable for living up to it in future.

EDIT: I removed a section about Tyler Seguin. I’ve seen so much negativity about Tyler lately, especially regarding his stint in the Bahamas and that beer pong thing. And I think I allowed that and his past immature comments/behaviour to make me a bit more apologetic than I wanted to be regarding one of my favourite players. My literal gateway into hockey. I still want to acknowledge those past behaviours and my own worry when I saw that he posted because my bar for him IS higher than for other players based on what I’ve seen him do in his community and I was worried he might not meet it. He exceeded it. And since his original statement, he has STEPPED UP. He did a great interview with The Athletic, and the boy is now out there at a BLM protest in Dallas. That’s my baby and I’m proud. The end.

#hockey #white privilege #nhl #black lives matter #blm #totally my opinion and ymmv #long post #text post

[expression-in-its-essence]

The Goldfinch movie.

7 min 26 secs in : Why the fuck did they start the movie like that. Why didn't the explosion take place? Theo's mom's apartment? His anxiety? Also.. why do they keep cutting the scenes abruptly? They ain't tweets... No limit.. then??

8 min 2 sec in : Okay they went to the apartment. Audrey's sweater deserved more screen time. The lipstain on the mug in focus *chef's kiss* poetic cinema!

9 min 19 sec in : Do you see what I see? Tom Cable's face has a stark resemblance to Boris's face. Did Theo have a crush on him?

9 min 54 sec in : Mr Barbour's hand is shaking. I like that they put it in there. He was sick. Nice. (I'd imagined Audrey's apartment building entrance like they showed the Barbour's apartment building entrance. Wild.)

11 min 8 sec in : Don't shove it into his face that y'all are fancy okay? He's not used to that life style. He didn't have maids making his bed. ARE YOU GIVING HIM DRUGS, MRS BARBOUR? But you just glared at your husband for offering him the same sort of thing?? Oh God. Poor child. "it's perfectly understandable" my ass. You gave him meds just because your sleep was getting affected.

14 min 39 sec : Woah woah woah Theo wtf you're so smol how'd you do that? Also... Again. The frame of Theo and Tom standing close and Theo and Boris standing close when they kissed, Theo is wearing the same damn sweater.

16 min 58 sec in : Ayyyy Jeffery Wright!

20 min 33 sec in : "He drank a lot", Theo about his dad. Honey just wait up, you will too. (The grilled sandwich and the cute lil smile 😍 also this is the first time since the movie started that Oakes' voice isn't deep.)

23 min 54 sec in : Wizard of Oz poster, I see you!

24 min 19 sec in : I love how Oakes is expressing being caught off guard. Theo knows he did something bad and every time he's dealing with something he didn't expect to deal with, he's like OMG THEY KNOW ABOUT THE PAINTING AND IM FUCKED even if no one knows.

25 min 1 sec in : The glasses made a difference. He went from mature to cute. Angry bird to angry birb.

25 min 44 sec in : Another sweater? Or was this THE sweater of Audrey? (Off topic but Oakes is hella cute. I could murder anyone who hurts him.)

29 min 9 sec in : Pippa doesn't remember or doesn't wanna remember? There was something in her eyes that was hard to read. Also, why doesn't anyone say 'I'm sorry about your mom' to Theo? Do Americans not care? It's weird to see no response when he tells people that Audrey is dead.

31 min 17 sec in : "The Goldfinch, destroyed"? Then why is Theo upset. Good riddance. Oh yeah. I know why. It's Donna Tartt we're talking about.

32 min 39 sec in : Hobie just casually predicting the future. "It's only fake if you pass it on as an original". Theo's like, "noted, gonna do exactly that".

34 min 16 sec in : Why does Theo write like a five year old child? That's toddler handwriting! And omg all the Andy-prom-dress memes are making sense now. (Also did I mention that Mrs Barbour seems more selfish in the film than she does in the book. Like hey I'm putting up with this kid because he helps my kid. He's serving a purpose for me. What the hell.) (How old is Andy anyway? He looks younger than Theo. I think he's different. Didn't grow up like other kids. That was mentioned in the book right?)

35 min 20 sec in : Ayyy Hobie's earring!

35 min 49 sec in : He shopped for himself? Nice! Didn't know kids could shop without adult supervision in the West. (Because they can't in the East.)

35 min 50 sec in : Ayyyy Sarah Paulson! Damn she's hot. How can you dislike her? *heart eyes*

37 min 30 sec in : I can't bring myself to hate Luke Wilson since Skeleton Twins but SHUT THE FUCK UP LARRY! AUDREY DESERVED BETTER. Look at how Larry and Xandra are looking at the place like they're vultures.

39 min 34 sec : They got the airport scene right. STOP GIVING HIM DRUGS WTH IS WRONG WITH THE ADULTS IN THIS MOVIE!

41 min 12 sec in : Ayyy Popper!!!!!

43 min 27 sec in : It just dawned on Theo that he's alone. Oh god. My poor baby.

45 min 12 sec in : Let me take this moment to say that Ashleigh Cummings is pretty. And I finally get why y'all were pissed at the non linear storyline and the weird voiceovers. Guess I'd been prepared for that so it didn't really suck that much.

49 min 30 sec in : I'd imagined Boreo reunion like the Platt Theo reunion. In the day. Dang it. Also... Adult Platt Barbour was not supposed to be good looking? In the book?

55 min 34 sec in : Without context, none of it could make sense. Apologies to whoever didn't read the book beforehand. Crowley fucked this up.

58 min in : Ayyyy Finn Wolfhard! BORIS IS HERE AND IM SO EXCITED IDK WHY

1 hour in : It's such a Boris thing to leave the bag unzipped.

1 hour 3 min 20 sec in : Slumdog Millionaire's Jai Ho (2008) is playing in the background. The only song that I've recognized so far. Wow. Lets me know about the time setting. Nice.

1 hr 3 min in : Someone gif " That cost twenty dollars!" *Stare* "That would have cost twenty dollars!"

1 hr 8 min in : So Boris's room is exactly like I had imagined but Theo's room isn't. Boris just mentioned Kotku though.

1 hr 9 min 14 sec in : Isn't it hella hot in Vegas? Why are they wearing sweaters? Or does drug intake make you more vulnerable to the environment?

1 hr 10 min 15 sec in : Xandra Theo argument : gold. "Cocktail sausages that you like." I wanna laugh in Crowley's face. What was he thinking?? Omg I'm dying.

1 hr 11 min 17 sec in : The slap sound didn't work??

1 hr 13 min 53 sec in : I like serious Boris better.

1 hr 14 min in : The slum house Audrey dream thing was not in the book. That's an entirely new addition.

1 hr 18 min 26 sec in : The Welty Theo scene is awesome. The sound effects work. I feel suffocated. The ambulance noise fiasco is also nicely pulled off. (also Theo's Yellow bag was dirty af then how did it get all clean when he didn't even do anything to it?)

1 hr 20 min 57 sec in : Shhhh Potter.

1 hr 22 min in : Holy shit he got slapped twice!! Ouch! And Larry's audacity to tell Theo to stop with the crying?? Good thing he died. Asshole.

1 hr 25 min in : "You don't tell me a lot of things but that's okay". I see what you did there, Boris. Which was of course, I love you.

1 hr 26 min in : "Act normal" - Theo knows his way around drugs pretty well, doesn't he?

1 hr 30 min in : "No family No friends" line punched me in the face. (Also awww popchik's excuse was the last resort for Boris to make Theo stay.)

1 hr 31 min 17 sec in : That pause after "What do you have to tell me?". You can clearly see Boris struggling to hold something back. Which was of course, I love you.

1 hr 31 min 34 sec in : What the fuck is that music? Oh heyyyyyy they kissed!-- he fucking runs away?? Also what kind of a kangaroo runs like that? (Yes, the taxi driver watched. I don't have to wonder anymore.) (They didn't address why he took the bus instead of flying?)

1 hr 33 min in : I didn't imagine Welty's room like that at all. Also why doesn't Hobie seem happy to see Theo again?

1 hr 35 min in : Longer stretches of one storyline are kinda bearable. From drugs in storage unit to waking up beside Kitsey. We got Vegas and Young Theo. Nice. (Also, who the heck puts jewelry in shoes? Is Theo that dumb? And now I can't think of anything else than Boris piercing his ear for the emerald earring. Tumblr has fucked it up bad.)

1 hr 43 min in : They nailed the Kitsey Theo confrontation.

1 hr 44 min in : Ayyy Ozma of Oz!

1 hr 48 min in : I noticed it before but I wasn't sure... Now I am. Pippa has Welty's ring. On her finger. At all times. (also, is NYC always that noisy? Must suck to walk on the roads.)

1 hr 52 min 23 sec in : They nailed the Theo Pippa date. What's that song playing in the background? I want the name. It's almost like two hours and I still haven't seen Aneurin Barnard once. Why! (Jerome's mentioned in the movie btw.)

1 hr 52 min 51 sec in : Complained too soon. Boris is sat in the dark doing god knows what. My man Aneurin is here!

1 hr 53 min 37 sec in : BOREO REUNIONNNNNN - no don't look at me like that I only watched it thrice.

1 hr 56 min in : Boris saying "it's someone else" with a knowing look and Theo looking at him. The frickin yearning.

1 hr 57 min in : Boris is like you're unhappy, I'm here, we're both rich, let's f*ck. "We could"... What are you suggesting dude he's repressed!

1 hr 58 min in : "you unwrapped it and showed it to me." So many meanings. The heart, the love the soul... Wow. Good for you, screen play writers! ( It's kinda hilarious how Boris got mad at Theo for never quote unquote fucking opening it.)

2 hr 1 min in : I'm calling it. They're going to fuck up the Theo Hobie confrontation. They put it on the wrong time. And they also fucked up the text from the book.

2 hr 5 min 48 sec in : Even Platt is saving his sister's face. Also where did Todd go? Did he never grow up? I wish Mrs Barbour didn't use Theo like she did.

2 hr 7 min in : The frame where Boris is between Kitsey and Theo. Chef's kiss.

2 hr 10 min 54 sec in : *intense music playing* Boris put his leg up on the table and I burst into laughter THOSE ARE THE FAMOUS FUCK ME PUMPS.

2 hr 11 min in : AAAAA THE FOREHEAD TOUCH AAAAAAA (Theo just knows without looking that Boris is close enough to touch? Theo are you sure you don't feel feelings for him?)

2 hr 12 min in : Theo is so worried that I'm not sure if it's for Boris or for losing the painting again. Omg he just murdered a man. Oh god.

2 hr 14 min in : Theo is spiralling. In the movie they imply that Hobie played a part in him attempting suicide. So wrong. Poor Hobie. In the book that wasn't the case.

2 hr 15 min in : The transition of the Goldfinch into Audrey, wow. Also, is it the first time we're seeing her? The movie started so long ago that I've forgotten if I saw Theo and Audrey in the museum. Boris following right after Audrey? That's a subliminal message. Boris is here to rescue y'all.

2 hr 16 min in : No shit Boris is freaking out right now.

2 hr 17 min in : The diner scene. They're both crying. "Happy Christmas, Potter" - which was of course, I love you.

2 hr 18 min in : No don't you dare compare Audrey and Mrs Barbour. Audrey would never drug her child or use him for her benefit.

2 hr 20 min in : Poor kid bumps into his mom lol. I found it funny.

On the whole

The movie was nice if you'd read the book beforehand. The first hour was steak, The second hour was Korean BBQ and the rest of the twenty minutes were minced beef. If you get what I mean. Weird analogy. It could have been much better. But it was really very nice in some places. Most places I'd say.

I didn't like how the pop songs ruined the mood of certain moments. I didn't like how you couldn't hear the conversation over the music playing. For example in the engagement party when Platt and Theo talked. Or in the diner scene.

Both Borises killed the accent thing. They tried their best. Cut them some slack.

Oakes deserves an Oscar for holding up this movie on his smol shoulders. I was shook at how a kid could act that well.

Popchik deserved more screen time. I'm still pissed they didn't add the Popchik Boris reunion. But then they couldn't make it chronological, what were we supposed to expect anyway.

Ansel Elgort y'all. Theo sure improved his handwriting lol. Ansel's writing is nice. He was actually good in this movie. Better than he was in The Fault In Our Stars. The internet is just mean. The critics too. I will never understand the hate.

All in all, it could have been a better adaptation but it didn't suck as bad as everyone made it out to be. John Clownery should be punished nonetheless. Special shout-out to Roger Deakins for making it work.

#donna tartt #theo decker #boris pavlikovsky #finn wolfhard #oakes fegley #ansel elgort #aneurin barnard #the goldfinch #boreo

[spine-buster]

Alone, Together | Chapter 15 | Morgan Rielly

A/N:  Thanks to everyone who told me / reported / helped with the plagiarism fiasco on AO3.  It was very much appreciated since I don’t have an active AO3 account.  Please, if you see my work copied anywhere, let me know!  For now, I am only posting this story to Tumblr.  I might decide to post to AO3 in the future, just so this never happens again.  I’ll let you know if/when I do.

Still loving all the Mo/Bee canon questions.  Keep them coming!  And if you haven’t seen, I’ve posted the playlist link for Spotify.  I’m working on the YouTube version.

Anyways, it’s Christmas in June!  Merry Christmas!

Since knowing Angie, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day had grown to be Bee’s favourite days.  It wasn’t because of the small gifts her family gave to her, or because she got to stuff her face with amazing food.  It was because Angie’s younger brother, Joshua, would set up board games for the family to play on Christmas Eve before they went to midnight mass at their local Catholic Church, and then he’d put funny IOUs in everybody hand knit stockings (that he knit himself) on the fireplace mantle.  It was because Angie’s family had a cozy wood-burning fireplace at their house that her dad would roast chestnuts in while her mom opened the tub of ice cream and scooped some out for everyone even after their enormous meal.  It was because their family dog, an old Cavalier King Charles spaniel named Sarah Jessica Barker (yes, really) would curl up on Bee’s lap as the family watched whatever movie was on TV.

Angie’s house, for however much it was not Bee’s home, felt like her natural home.  Besides her old apartment, it was where she felt most at ease, where she could kick her feet up, fall asleep on the couch, go into the fridge whenever she was hungry, and drop in whenever she wanted.  There was always room for her.  There was always space.  

When she arrived with Angie and Mason on the morning of Christmas Eve, Rocco and Clarette welcomed her with open arms and warm hugs.  Their house was decorated with all of Joshua and Angie’s old Christmas artwork from grade school, poinsettia tablecloths, and figurines on Santas, snowmen, penguins, polar bears, and more.  It sort of looked like Christmas threw up, but Bee loved it.  She loved how festive Clarette got and she loved how Rocco just let her decorate the house however she wanted.  

“How are yooooooouuuuuu,” Clarette cooed as she let go of her tight hug, her French Canadian accent music to Bee’s ears.  “I haven’t seen you in such a long time!  Angie told me you finally finished school.”

“I did!”

“And your graduation?  When is your graduation so we can book the day off?”

“Mom, you’re both retired.  You don’t need to book off anything,” Angie deadpanned.  

Bee giggled.  “It’s not until June, Clarette,” she informed her.  “You still have a lot of time.”

“What about jobs now?  Are you going to join Angie at Indigo?” Rocco joined in.  His voice was stern and serious, but Bee knew he was a complete softie who talked to the dog in a baby voice.

“I don’t think they’d allow that.  They’d destroy the place,” Mason piped up.  

“She’s in finance Rocco,” Clarette chastised her husband.  “She’s gonna handle our retirement savings.  Right mignonette?”  

“Sort of.”

“Well come in, come in.  Go drop your stuff off in your room,” Clarette encouraged.  “I’m going to make some tea.  You want your Earl Grey?  Rocco knows how to make a London Fog now.  We got a new machine.  Angie, tell Joshua dad is making London Fogs for everyone.”

Rocco and Clarette’s house was everything that Bee envisioned a family house to be.  It was a side split in the suburbs with three bedrooms on the second floor and a room converted to a fourth bedroom on a split level between the main and the basement.  It was very homey, not ostentatious in any way, although Rocco and Clarette did invest in some upgrades before they retired, like a new kitchen, a fresh paint job, and some new floors and furniture in the main living areas.  It was perfect and modest – what Bee dreamed of when she saw her life ten, fifteen, twenty years from now.  It was everything she could want.  

Her room was always the fourth bedroom.  When Rocco’s father lived with them for two years before he passed away, Bee would just shack up with Angie, but now the room was dedicated to her again.  She threw her weekender bag on the bed and plopped down dramatically, taking in the scent of the freshly washed sheets.  Clarette had even put a little chocolate on the pillow.  She was in heaven.  

A slight knock on her door revealed Josh standing in the doorway with a smile on his face.  At twenty, he was a tall, lanky university undergrad studying theatre at York University.  He wanted to become the next Shakespeare, or at least the next Laurence Olivier.  He even had a prop skull on his bedroom desk.  

“How’s my favourite Angie friend?” he asked, leaning on the doorframe.  

“Your mom’s the best.  You know that, right?”

Joshua chuckled.  “I do.”

“I hope you kiss her every night.”

“When I make it home,” he winked, waltzing into the room.  “Angie told me you’re done with school.”

“I am.”

“So are you going to be able to tell me what a poor starving artist I’ll be once I finish this theatre degree?”

Bee snorted.  “You’re going to marry rich, Josh.  Remember?  You’ll be richer than all of us combined.”

“I don’t think I’ll be richer than everyone,” he said, sitting down on the bed beside her.  “A little birdie told me you’re dating a Toronto Maple Leaf.”

She rose from her position dramatically.  “Your sister’s got a big mouth.”

“I’m sure Mason appreciates it.”

Bee pushed him over.  “You’re fucking gross, Josh.”

“Stop trying to deflect.  She told me it’s Morgan Rielly.”

“It is Morgan Rielly.”

“And how’s that going?”

“Fine,” she side-eyed him.  “How’s Patrick?”

“Fine,” he gave her the same side-eye.  “He’s back home in St. Thomas, but we’re seeing each other Boxing Day.”

“That’s sweet,” she said, and she meant it sincerely.  She was glad Joshua found someone that made him happy.  “Are you guys gonna join your sister and I at the Eaton’s Centre?”

“We’re going to have brunch first, then we might, depending if we’re in the mood,” he said.  “Are you…I mean, how are you feeling about everything that happened?”

Bee knew that Angie would have told her family.  She was an extension of the family, so it was only natural.  And it was only natural that Josh was worried, that he cared about her and that he wanted to make sure she was okay, since it only happened a month ago.  “Better now,” she said, giving him a smile.  “I’m living at a new place with a doorman and stuff.  It feels much safer.  I got some new clothes and a new laptop, and everything’s been good.”

“My parents were really torn up about it,” he revealed.  “My dad was ready to hop in the truck and drive down to the Annex.  Angie had to stop him.  Told him it was already being taken care of.”

“Yeah.  Morgan helped a lot,” Bee revealed.  “And, um, you know, some of the other Leafs.”

A grin appeared on Joshua’s face.  “Look at you.  Getting help from the Leafs.”

“Hey kids!  London fogs are ready for you!” Rocco called loudly from the kitchen area.  “Get ‘em while they’re still hot!”

“C’mon, let’s go,” Josh stood up, extending his arm for Bee and pulling her up from the bed.  “Angie told Dad too and he’s gonna interrogate you for the remainder of the day.”

***

Christmas morning was typical of the Favaro household.  At around 8:15am, Bee heard Clarette clanking around in the kitchen, preparing a quick breakfast that everyone would eat before they moved on to opening presents.  Soon, she heard Josh’s voice helping her out, probably preparing the pot of coffee.  Every Christmas morning, he was the designated bacon fryer – a job he took very seriously, since bacon was always the first thing to go.

When Bee emerged from her room, still in her pajamas like everyone else, she got a big hug and a kiss from Clarette.  Josh, already too busy with the bacon, pointed at his cheek for her to come over to where he was standing at the stove and kiss him, which she did.  Soon enough, Rocco, Angie, and Mason arrived, and everybody did their part to set the table and plate the scrambled eggs and bacon.  Rocco slapped Josh’s arm for eating a piece of bacon before everyone else could.  Angie almost spilled the entire sugar jar all over the counter.

When breakfast was done, they made their way into the family room to open presents.  Sarah Jessica Barker trotted over to the commotion and jumped up onto the armchair Bee was sitting on, snuggling herself into Bee’s side as Mason passed everybody their presents.  Bee bought Clarette and Rocco gifts every year despite their insistence that she not, and she also usually bought a gift for Josh.  

Clarette and Rocco began unwrapping their gift from Bee at the same time.  She got them both books – for Clarette, Elena Ferrante’s Neopolitan novels in her native French, and for Rocco, Warlight by Michael Ondaatje since he wanted to take up reading now that he was retired.  

“You’re always so thoughtful, Bee,” Rocco said, smiling at her as he read the book sleeve.  “I remember taking Clarette to go see the English Patient when it came out as a movie.”

“I’ve been wanting to read these forever!” Clarette exclaimed as she took the plastic film off.  She elbowed her husband next to her on the couch.  “You know, because they’re in French they’ll be closer to the original Italian.”

Josh opened his gift too – a mug with a packet of David’s Tea.  He drank more tea than the entirety of Britain, so it was only fitting.  Bee’s gift to Angie and Mason, S’well bottles, also went over well.  Josh got her a floral scarf, which she loved, and she threw it over her shoulders dramatically.  Angie and Mason got her a candle and a nice white frame, undoubtedly to put a picture of her and Morgan in for the new apartment.  Clarette and Rocco gifted Bee a nice cutting board, knowing how much she liked to cook, and also a gnocchi board that she was super excited about.  “From the good Italian supermarket,” Rocco said, nodding his head.  “That was probably made by an old nonna somewhere in Italy.”

“I’m gonna use it next week,” she said, her fingertips feeling the grooves, thinking about Morgan’s return to Toronto and how she cold make him homemade gnocchi now.  When Bee thought all was said and done, she noticed one more box under the tree that nobody had touched.  “What’s this one?” Bee asked, nodding towards the large box.

“Oh honey, that one’s for you,” Rocco said.  “Your man friend dropped it off.”

She froze at the mention.  She looked to Angie, who was actively avoiding her gaze.  “You…you mean Morgan?”

“Mhm,” Rocco nodded his head.  Josh handed her the box.  “Came yesterday afternoon.”

She gulped.  How did he even find the time to drive all the way up to North York to deliver it?  What could he have gotten her?  She…she didn’t get him anything.  She wrote him a nice card and stuffed it into his carry-on as a surprise for him, but she didn’t explicitly buy him a gift for Christmas.  She didn’t think he would for her either.  She should have known better though.  This was Morgan.  

Bee ripped open the sides carefully, and in one long stretch, the wrapping paper was pulled back to reveal ‘Mulberry’ on the box.  She froze again, her hand resting over the letters.  She knew exactly what this was.

She looked up.  The entire Favaro family was looking at her.  She took a deep breath.  She didn’t want to do this in front of them.  “Can I…um…can I…”

“You can go to your room if you need to dear.  I’ll start the hot chocolate,” Clarette nodded her head.  She got up and pointed at all the wrapping paper, then pointed at her husband.  “You.  Clean that up.”

Bee picked up the box, half-wrapped, and scurried into her designated bedroom, plopping the box down on the bed before closing the door.  She took a deep breath before ripping the rest of the paper off.  When she opened the box, she lifted up the dust bag and pulled out the Amberley satchel bag in the most gorgeous and perfect oxblood colour.  She had seen it with Lucy when they had gone shopping, and Bee had commented on how beautiful it was – the most perfect bag in the world besides the Birkin.  Lucy urged her to get it, but there was no way Bee could have justified the purchase after the Chanel bag, the Louis Vuitton bag, and the Yves Saint Laurent bag.  Lucy must have told Morgan, because of course she did. 

As Bee ran her fingertips over the pristine leather, she noticed two square outlines still in the dust bag.  She couldn’t even fully take in the absolute beauty of the bag after noticing them.  She set the satchel down gently and dug into the dust bag, pulling out two identical blue boxes with Birks ribbon wrapped around them.  

Bee gulped.  She had walked by the Birks storefront on Bloor Street West countless times, trying not to ogle the pretty and blindingly shiny diamonds in the window.  Now she was holding two boxes from them in her hands.  She was going to kill Morgan.  Absolutely murder him.

She began to open one, delicately pulling on the ribbon and opening the box to reveal a stunning gold bracelet.  Bee’s cheeks flushed as her fingertips felt the pearl and onyx.  She tried to imagine it on her wrist – and realistically, she could have just taken it out of the box right then and there and put it on – but for some reason, she didn’t.  It didn’t feel real to her; it didn’t feel like it was hers yet.  She didn’t get gifts like this.  She didn’t get expensive jewellery from boys – from anyone – and it didn’t feel like it was meant for her, although she knew Morgan probably scoured the store or the website for hours looking for the perfect gift.  

The second box.  She pulled the ribbon again, opening the box.  What she saw inside made her chest tighten fiercely.  Tears formed in her eyes automatically.  A beautiful, delicate necklace, in matching gold, with a bumblebee medallion.  For her.  Bee.

Morgan’s Bumblebee.

She grabbed her phone and ripped it out of the charging socket before dialling Morgan’s number.  As it rang, she barely registered that it was still only about 6am in Vancouver and he probably wasn’t even awake yet.  

“Mornin’,” he mumbled into the phone, not bothering to say hello.  “Merry Christmas.”

“Morgan…” she began, her voice cracking.  

“Are you okay?” he asked, his tone immediately switching.  The last time he got an unexpected phone call from her and she sounded like this, it wasn’t exactly the best.

“I’m fine,” she clarified, wiping a tear from her cheek.  “But what’s wrong with you?”

“What?”

“You’re nuts, Morgan.  Absolutely nuts,” she continued.  “This is a $1500 dollar bag.  More, I think.”

“Yeah, so?”

“I can’t accept this!”

“Wait, what?  Is it the wrong one?  Lucy said you loved it in the store!” he got worried.

“Morgan…I love it, it’s gorgeous, it’s the most perfect bag ever created aside from the Hermes Birkin, but I cannot accept this as a gift.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a $1500 bag!”

“I feel like we’re going around in circles here,” he admitted.  “That’s the bag you liked, right?  Lucy was adamant that that’s the one you liked.  The colour and everything.”

“Morgan, it is, but --”

“The bag isn’t even the important part,” he interrupted her.  “Did you find the jewellery?”

“Yes,” Bee said, and at the mention of the jewellery, new tears fell down her cheeks.  “Morgan, why are you like this?” she asked, not knowing how to word it in any other way.  

“Briony…”

“Why are you so nice to me?  Why do you buy me nice gifts all the time?” she asked, trying not to let her voice crack.  

“Bumblebee,” he began, his voice sombre.  “How many times do I have to tell you that you deserve it?” he asked rhetorically.  

“You know that you don’t need to like…buy my relationship, right?” she asked.  “I’m not some girl that needs to be bought.  I’d still be with you if you weren’t a rich hockey player.  I’d still like you and still cook for you.  I came from absolutely nothing and I can go back to nothing.  I’d give all that stuff back if I had to.”

“I know Bumblebee, I know.  But I’m gonna keep repeating it until it gets to you.  You deserve nice things.  I want to spoil you because you deserve it, not because I’m trying to buy you or anything.  You.  Deserve.  Nice.  Things.  For.  Once.  In.  Your.  Life.”

Bee tried to take his words to heart, but it was hard.  It was hard to take to heart when she wasn’t used to it.  It was hard to take to heart when growing up, Christmases and birthdays weren’t celebrated because it wasn’t affordable.  It was hard to take to heart when since sixteen years old she had been literally counting pennies to stay afloat.  Most importantly, it was hard to take to heart when her mother told her she didn’t deserve anything.  “Thank you Morgan.  I really…I really love the bumblebee necklace.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah,” she said, wiping away the last of her tears.  “It’s beautiful.  I’m gonna think of you whenever I see it or touch it.”

“Good,” he said.  “My Bumblebee.”

There was a moment of silence.  “I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything.”

“Um, what you got me Friday night was enough,” he said, chuckling slightly.

Thoughts of that night came rushing back to her and she felt a shiver go up her spine.  It was probably the best sex she’d ever had.  Memories of it still flashed through her mind from time to time.  If she got lost in her thoughts, she could still feel Morgan pounding into her or pulling her hair.  She still had the marks on her ass to remind her too.  “Yeah.  That…that was good,” she said quietly, trying not to get too riled up thinking about it.

“When I come back, I wanna fuck you wearing only that necklace,” he said in an equally quiet voice.  His tone sent more shivers down her spine.  “Unless you have some other pieces you’re waiting to surprise me with…”

She smiled.  She thought about some of the other sets of lingerie she bought and wondered how he would react to them.  “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

He groaned in response.  She giggled and he groaned some more.  “You’re such a fucking tease.  Fuck.  I woke up hard dreaming about what I’m going to do to you when I get back.”

“This is the Lord’s Day,” she joked.  “I don’t think he appreciates your dirty mind or you getting hard the morning of his birthday.”

He groaned even louder and she let out a heart laugh.  “Don’t remind me.  We still have to go to Church.”

“Will I be able to talk to you later today?” she asked.

“Absolutely,” he said.  “After my wine drunk nap I take after lunch, I’ll call you.  So maybe three or four my time.”

“Okay,” she agreed.  “Merry Christmas, Morgan.”

“Merry Christmas, Briony.”

She paused before hanging up the phone, wondering if there was anything else to say.

***

The Eaton’s Centre was packed.  Bee tried to get Angie to wake up on time so they could at least get there at mall opening, but Angie was a bitch in the morning and liked to sleep in, so they were late.  It was 10am by the time they arrived, and shoppers were in full swing.  Angie was doing a majority of the shopping anyway; Bee didn’t exactly need anything more.  Maybe she’d pick up a book or two.

But first, coffee.  

As they stood in line in the Starbucks at Indigo, Bee looked down at her phone to field some more messages from another round of bots that seemed to have infiltrated her Instagram.  She began automatically deleting the messages until one message in particular caught her eye.

R u dating morgan rielly?  Do I have ur attention now?  U didn’t answer me last time.

She furrowed her eyebrows.  Who was this person?  She clicked on the profile, but whoever it was had it on private; the only thing Bee could see was a half-face selfie of a girl who looked five years younger than she did with false lashes and lipstick.  She went back to her inbox, deciding not to delete the message.  Instead, she took the opportunity to actually read what was being sent to her.  It became adamantly clear to her these accounts weren’t bots.

If you’re dating Morgan shouldn’t you be prettier and skinnier?  Sent from a girl with a bikini shot as her profile picture.  

are the leafs wags as nice as everyone says? i wanna become one who is single?  Sent from a girl who didn’t look older than 12.

Cut your hair.  It doesn’t look good.

Do you really think Morgan doesn’t cheat on you when they’re on the road?  Hockey guys have bunnies in every city.

Ur just a puckbunny wanting morgan’s money.  stay away from him!!!!!!!!!!

You’re such a slut.  Stay away from Morgan.

Just another puckbunny making her way around the leafs.  You are pathetic.

“Grande caramel macchiato with coconut milk for Briony!”

So u go to u of t and u think ur smart?  Whatever bitch

What does Rielly see in you?  You’re so ugly

“Bee, you should grab your drink before someone else steals it.”

Why don’t u post pics w morgan

Can you please post pics with morgan so we can see

Why are you so close with some of the wags but not with others?

I hope u know morgan prob just keeps you around as a fuckbuddy.  He’s got them all over the city.  There were hundreds of girls before you, and there will be hundreds of girls after you.  Actually, there are prob hundreds of girls DURING you too.

“BRIONY!” Angie’s voice screaming her name pulled her out of her trance.  When she looked up, Angie was holding both their drinks, shoving her caramel macchiato towards her.  “What’s so important on your phone?”

“N-Nothing,” she said, locking her screen and shoving her phone into her jacket pocket.  

“Did Morgan send you a dick pic?”

“Can you not?” Bee slapped the arm of her best friend.  “You’re so crude.  You’re just like your brother.”

“Well, same genes and all.”

“Where are we going first?” Bee changed the subject.

“We need to go to Sephora.  If the Nars Sheer Glow is as good as you say it is then I need to get some.”

As Briony followed Angie around in Sephora, she tried to get rid of the thoughts swirling around her head about the messages from the random girls.  She assumed this is what Morgan meant when he said some Leafs fans could be crazy and obsessive.  But were these fans?  Or did these girls just want to hook up with Morgan?

As Angie chatted with a Sephora consultant about her foundation shade, Bee took out her phone again to see the rest of the messages that were sent to her.  A lot of them were variations of the messages she had read earlier.  Some accounts had even messaged her multiple times.

Can u pls post pics with mo where u show his face pls ppl are wondering if ur dating him and we need to know

Aren’t you a little too fat to be a wag?

What’s stephh lachancee like in person shes so pretty

Ur a puckslut.  Ur only after Mo’s money.  U should be ashamed of urself

Everybody knows you’re dating Morgan so there’s no point in hiding it anymore.  The more you deny it the more we’re gonna message you.  Just post a pic with him already.  Get over yourself.  You’re such an attention seeker by NOT posting a pic with him and it’s honestly ridiculous.  Stop lying and stop trying to play coy.

Bee mostly wondered where these people got the audacity to send her such messages.  She didn’t understand why they were being so hostile, and why they wanted information about something that was so clearly private.  Did they just think she would message them back?  That she’d reveal juicy, salacious details about their relationship?  That she’d send them pictures of Morgan that were on her camera roll?  What exactly did they want?

As she started to delete all the messages, she heard giggles and saw two girls out of the corner of her eye.  They were whispering to each other something Briony couldn’t hear because of all the commotion in Sephora, but then she swore, she swore she heard the iPhone camera shutter sound.  She looked up immediately to see the girls giggling at something on the phone they were looking at.  The phone wasn’t in her direction, but Bee got self-conscious.  When they both looked up from the screen at the same time and noticed Bee staring at them, they stopped giggling.

“Are you taking a picture of me?” she asked.

The one girl, with the phone in her hand, looked like a deer caught in the headlights.  It was her friend that came to her rescue when she piped up, “No no!  We’re not!  We just love your Chanel bag.”

Bee looked down at the bag, the one Morgan had technically paid for, with pearls adorned all over it, the logo still shining against the leather and satin material.  She looked back up at the girls, who were still looking at her.  “Um, thanks?” Bee didn’t know what else to say.

“Where’d you get it?” the one with the phone asked.  These girls weren’t older than sixteen.

Bee gave her a look.  “At Chanel…?” her response came out more as a question than a statement.  Where else would she buy a Chanel bag?  

“Right.  Of course.  Sorry if we…we just really liked your bag,” they scurried away, looking mortified but still smiling at each other as they ran out of Sephora, looking down at the girl’s phone.

“Bee?!  Where’d you go?  I found the shade!” Angie’s voice called from the next aisle, her head slightly above the top shelf.  “Come here!”

Bee returned to the Nars aisle, and saw that the beauty expert had matched her skin tone perfectly.  “That looks amazing, Angie.”

“Where’d you go?” Angie asked, grabbing the foundation from the beauty expert and putting it in her basket.

“I just had teenage girls take a picture of my bag,” Bee said, shaking her head in disbelief still that it had happened.  “That was…I’ve never had that happen to me before.”

Angie shrugged her shoulders.  “It is a nice Chanel bag.”

#morgan rielly #morgan rielly imagine #morgan rielly fic #toronto maple leafs #toronto maple leafs imagine #toronto maple leafs fic #nhl imagines #nhl fic #hockey imagine #hockey fic #alone together series

[boopboopbichie]

Departures and indie tunes // Bichie

Hi! This was something I wrote for this years secret santa, organized by @itfandomprompts ! This piece I wrote for @whatidoisxsecret ! I hope you like this! I’m really excited that something like this was planned and I’m happy I participated and I am personally actually really happy about this piece! I’ve been getting away from writing lately, but it was nice to have something to hold me up on it, and I just love the idea of creating something that could bring someone else happiness!

With a cigarette dangling between his lips, Richie walked over to Bill’s car that had pulled up next to him on the sidewalk. He grinned at him as he opened the door and got in, earning a small grunt from Bill. “You’re not fucking smoking in my car, Tozier”, he muttered, and Richie chuckled lightly, putting the cigarette away.

“As you wish hot stuff”, he winked, and he swore he saw a faint blush on Bill’s cheek as he rolled his eyes and started driving down the road. An indie song was playing gently through the speakers like a pleasant hum and Richie couldn’t figure out if he knew the song or not but knowing Bill it was probably some new song he had found and taken a liking to. Richie himself didn’t listen much to indie. He was more into the rock genre, liking the classical rock tunes that always played in his room. When he was with Bill though, the soft indie songs seemed to calm him down and he actually liked quite a lot of the ones Bill played for him. But that could just have been because Bill liked them. He couldn’t really tell…

“Where do you wanna go?”, Bill asked after a while of driving in comfortable silence and Richie looked over at him, admiring his profile for a little bit. Bill was beautiful, there was no denying it. His sharp jawline and prominent cheekbones. He had the most beautiful dark blue eyes too that went really well with his almost blonde hair – that he’d let grow out lately, so it was a big mess.

Richie bit his lip and shrugged, shifting in his seat.

“Anywhere is fine with me, Big Bill. I just wanted to get out of there”, he mumbled, and Bill’s face softened a bit as he nodded. Richie’s parents had been nagging him a lot lately about his future... What college he would go to and what he wanted to do after that. It drove him insane. He wasn’t even really ready to leave Derry high yet…

“We’ll go to the quarry then… I brought a blanket”, Bill said, and Richie couldn’t help his goofy smile.

“You brought a blanket?”, he asked teasingly, and Bill rolled his eyes.

“Oh, shut up, asshole”, he chuckled. “It’s practical. Won’t get our jeans all messed up from the dirt. And thereby not get my car all dirty”, he pointed out and Richie laughed lightly.

“Fair enough, Denbrough”, he grinned and looked out the window, biting his lip softly. In reality he was probably just… not ready to leave the losers. Bill especially. He and Bill had always been best friends. They were both best friends with the rest of the losers of course, but Bill, to Richie, was special. He had always been the first person he told anything to and he’d always been the only one he felt comfortable being vulnerable around.

At 15 Richie had acknowledged that he was in love with Bill Denbrough. It had been a rough time, because he hadn’t even really acknowledged that he wasn’t straight yet. But Beverly had helped him a lot during that time and he credited her for how comfortable he was in his sexuality today.

And now, at 17, he was still in love with Bill Denbrough. Even more so than he had been at 15.

Bill stopped the car when they got to the quarry and got out. Richie did the same thing and watched as Bill got the blanket from his trunk. In comfortable silence they got situated on the blanket next to each other, looking up at the stars.

They were laying close to each other, so they could both fit on the blanket and the skin on Richie’s arm was burning from barely touching Bill’s arm and he was sure Bill could hear his heart beating in his chest – he could hear it himself. Thumping in his ears so loudly he was sure the entire population of Derry could hear.

Neither said anything for a long time until Bill broke the silence, his voice weak at first, sounding like he’d been trying to get the words over his lips for a while.

“We’re moving”, he said, and Richie didn’t really hear it at first. Or, he did. But he couldn’t seem to put the words together. “Rich, we’re moving”, Bill said again, his voice stronger this time and Richie finally understood what he was saying. He turned his head to look at the other boy, who was still staring up at the stars.

“Where to?”, Richie asked, his voice much calmer than he’d thought it would be. He wanted to scream. Tell him he couldn’t. That he had to stay here with him because he loved him… But he didn’t do any of those things.

“New York”, Bill mumbled, still not looking at Richie.

“New York? That’s a 7-hour car ride...”, Richie whispered, having actually not meant to, but he physically couldn’t speak any louder. Bill sighed and nodded, still refusing to acknowledge the boy falling apart next to him.

“I’ve tried talking to my parents – begging them to just stay here… They won’t listen obviously… And I’m going to college in New York anyway. On paper it’s perfect”, he whispered, and Richie got the feeling he couldn’t speak any louder either. He sighed deeply and sat up, looking down at Bill.

“I’m not gonna let you go, you know?”, he mumbled stubbornly, looking like a 5-year-old as he sat there, arms crossed over his chest and a sour look on his face. He wanted to cry. He couldn’t let Bill leave. He needed him… He needed him there with him. He hadn’t even gotten to tell him how he felt!

Bill finally looked at him with a sad smile, sitting up to lean on his elbows. Somehow, he looked even more beautiful in that pose.

“What would you do, Rich? Hide me under your bed until my parents gave up looking and left without me?”, he asked, joking, but Richie could hear the sadness under his voice.

“Yeah, I would”, he pouted back, and Bill snorted.

“That wouldn’t work, you know that… I have to go”, he said, and Richie bit his lip.

“That’s just… So not fair! They can’t just take you away from m-us when they don’t even care about you as much as I do… We do!”, he said and cursed himself a little. When Bill didn’t answer he kept going. “It’s like… They don’t know what’s good for you. You need to stay here! Where we are. Where I am! Because I can’t actually fucking breathe without you and I get anxious if I don’t see you for a few days and I can’t fucking imagine a life without you!”, he rambled on, not even looking at Bill anymore. He was about to open his mouth to say more when he felt Bill’s hands on his cheek, his thumb softly stroking the skin right under his eye.

“Richie, breathe”, he said softly, and Richie looked at his face, frowning a bit.

“But… You can’t leave, Bill, because I never fucking got to tell you how in love with you I am”, he whispered, and Bill’s face changed a bit, worrying Richie. “O-of course not in a weird way!”, he added quickly, and Bill rolled his eyes.

“I’m in love with you too, Rich”, he said, and Richie raised his eyebrows surprised.

“You are?”, he whispered, and Bill nodded with a small smile.

“I am. So fucking much, you don’t understand. Your stupid fucking smile and cute fucking clumsy walk and god. I just… Can I kiss you?”, he asked, and Richie nodded quicker than he ever thought he could. Bill licked his lips and then leaned in, kissing him gently. Richie kissed him back immediately and moved closer to him, melting into it. The kiss wasn’t good. Neither of them were experienced kissers and Richie was hoping they’d get to do this more so they could both get better at it… But he would take what he could get and he did admit that Bill’s lips were surprisingly soft and he would definitely be teasing him about using lip balm later on…

When they finally broke the kiss after a bit of messy kissing that really wasn’t good for either of them, they were both smiling like they’d just experienced the best 10 seconds of their lives.

But a kiss and some revealed feelings didn’t stop the fact that Bill was indeed moving to New York. It did make the waiting a bit more bearable for the both of them. They fooled around and went on dates like two lovesick puppies, never leaving each other’s sides for the three weeks they had before Bill was leaving.

When the day did come though, Richie was at Bill’s house to say goodbye. They’d slept together that night. It’d been soft and gentle and really fucking awkward, but it’d been perfect. Then they’d decided not to be boyfriends. The distance was simply too hard. They didn’t know how to work it out between them and so they decided that they’d part as friends, and if it was right, they’d come back to each other eventually.

The departure was hard. Richie was standing in the front lawn at what used to be the Denbrough house, watching as Bill’s parents loaded the car. The moving truck had already driven off with their things. Bill was inside, getting his last stuff and then came outside, kissing the side of Richie’s head as he came over.

“Don’t”, Richie whispered and looked at him. “It’ll make this all harder… Calling you a friend. Watching you leave”, he mumbled, and Bill sighed.

“Sorry… I love you though. I won’t stop that. I’ll call you every day”, he promised, and Richie nodded.

“I’ll hold you to that, Denbrough”, he said and then hugged him tightly, feeling Bill’s arms around him immediately.

“I have to go now, Rich. I’ll be back for new years with you guys…”, he promised and kissed the top of his head a couple of times.

They stood like that, just hugging, feeling each other’s arms around them, enjoying the warmth. Enjoying being home, until Bill’s parents got impatient and he had to leave. Richie rode his bike home after that, going up to his room and started a playlist Bill had made. It was only indie tunes… Richie had decided that he loved indie music. And he loved Bill.

#bichie #richie tozier #bill denbrough #secret santa

[humansofoz]

April 2, 2019

“Dirty money come with lots of stains. Road to riches come with lots of lanes. Never had shit, got lots to gain.” -Gunplay

Cato III. 19. SUNY Oswego Sophomore.

HoOz- What was your greatest struggle at age 16?

Cato III- It probably was my dad. Definitely. Me and my dad never really got along. We never really could see eye to eye. My father wasn’t ready to be a father and he still isn’t. He doesn’t quite know how to be one. So definitely my greatest struggle when I was 16 was trying to cultivate and build a relationship with him. It was such a love-hate relationship. It was like one moment I was like I gotta accept this man for who he is and know how to deal with him but at the same time, I still expect you to do this and do that like the stereotypical father. So there would be days where I’d just be like man, fuck him. Then there would also be days where I was like man, I need him at the same time. So trying to find a common ground and a balance with my father was probably my most difficult struggle when I was 16.

HoOz- Has your relationship with your father changed at all since then?

Cato III- My maternal grandmother is the person I consider my father. I respect my dad for who he is. He’s okay, we have a speaking relationship. It’s definitely improved. We don’t necessarily argue that much. I’m a little bit better with conversation and I’m also a lot more understanding of who he is as a person and as a human. It has gotten a little bit better but it’s pretty much the same. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about a lot of things. Like I said, my maternal grandmother, that’s the person I consider my father. She pretty much taught me the stuff that a father is supposed to teach a son. My grandmother was that person. So yeah, I have my actual father and then I have my father figure.

HoOz- Can you tell me a little bit about what it was like growing up in East Atlanta?

Cato III- Atlanta is a very beautiful and diverse place depending on where you go. I lived out in the suburbs but I was also ten toes down in Decatur and Decatur is also the hood. In Atlanta there’s a lot of southern hospitality and people are very nice and very kind but at the same time, you will get robbed! You always have to be cognizant of what you’re doing and almost everywhere you go in Atlanta is hood. There’s a hood everywhere. Like I said, the area I was in is synonymous with murders, gang banging, drugs of course, violence, so you can’t really trust people. You kinda gotta be heartless. You gotta be cold towards people. You gotta be real careful of who you deal with and who you hang out with cause all it takes is to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. A lot of my homies ended up getting murdered and going to prison and things of that nature, so when you see a lot of stuff like that it kind of makes you cold. Growing up there is a struggle but there’s beauty in it.

HoOz- Is there anything that you learned from growing up in Atlanta that you still carry with you now?

Cato III- Loyalty, honesty, trust, and passion. Those would be the four.

HoOz- Do you have any siblings?

Cato III- Yeah I have four sisters.

HoOz- What is your relationship like with your sisters?

Cato III- My oldest sister, we’re getting better. She’s kind of like a miserable person and kind of does her own thing. My sister is 29 years old, so she’s also much other than me and in a very different place. She has two kids. But I love my sister. We have a good relationship when it needs to be. The other three are my dads children and I don’t really care too much about them. The oldest one, her name is Cortilla, she’s cool. She cares, like she comes and sees me and stuff like that. We have conversations and she let me see my niece, she had a daughter named Je’Kiyah. The other two, Amari is a leech. She doesn’t really have any respect for my father or anything else. She’s very selfish and I don’t really like being around her. She always expects me to help her out when I never really ask her for help. And Essence, yeah I don’t give a fuck about her.

HoOz- What has been your proudest moment so far?

Cato III- It’s a tie. Graduating high school because that was something that a lot of people in my area that I was around did not get a chance to do. It was so great to see me my mom and my dad come together and get along for a day. They usually get along but they really got along that day. My grandmother and everybody was there. I graduated with a few friends that I still have to this day. Four years just working that hard and making it out of the stuff that I’ve been through, that was definitely a great day. And then becoming an RA. It’s already difficult becoming an RA because when I applied, like 169 people had sent in an application and out of the new RA’s there might have been 7 black men. If you want to count hispanic men or men of color you might get that number up to like 15, but it was out of like 160. So I was definitely proud to get this job.

HoOz- What was your most memorable childhood experience?

Cato III- I don’t know, I never really went anywhere. We were broke so I never been to like Disneyland or Universal. I was 16 years old and I went to the pro football hall of fame with my mother. I love football and my mom decided to take me to the pro football hall of fame for spring break. That was a very good trip. Definitely in the top ten days of my life. Seeing the history of the league and signed jerseys and all the superbowl rings. I think one of my favorite football players, Todd Gurley, he had broke some record and it had his cleats and his jersey in there.

HoOz- Based off of everything that you have been through and learned, if you were to have children, what values would you instill in them and what would you teach them?

Cato III- First thing I would want to do is be married to their mother. I come from a broken home and I feel like I missed out on a lot because my parents weren’t together. So I would definitely love to have an actual family. Not just a mom and a father, but us being together and living in the same household, loving each other and really flourishing. I would want to get them all of the stuff I never had. I don’t want them to have to worry about any of the stuff I had to worry about. I don’t want them to have to worry about coming home and food being on the table. I don’t want them to have to worry about coming home and the heat or lights being on. I don’t want them to worry about being fearful to come home and come outside because we live in a gang infested area. So I would like to provide them with a comfortable life and their safety would be one of my main priorities. As far as values, loyalty, passion, dedication, respect, pretty much the values that I have. I want them at a young age to find out what they’re willing to die for. I want them to know at a young age, like 10 11 or 12 years old, what are you willing to pay the ultimate price for. I feel like if they know that they’ll go hard at everything they do.

HoOz- What is your biggest flaw?

Cato III- Im ashy. Nah I’m playing! I am ashy for the record, very ashy. I’ve been doing better with lotion, I’m doing alright today. But my biggest flaw? I have a lot. I aint even gonna lie, I care too much about people. And I know that sounds like oh that’s not a flaw, but I give too much of a fuck about people. That is my problem. I end up getting hurt a lot by it and it kind of damages me as a person. So sometimes I care TOO much. And I think sometimes I care about everybody, which is cool, but the effort I give to people is another flaw. But as far as like flaws, I talk too much. I definitely talk too much, I’ll talk your motherfucking ear off. Even though I be knowing what the hell I be talking about for the most part! But I’ll talk your ear off. So I talk too much, I’m ashy, and I care too much.

HoOz- What is your biggest strength?

Cato III- Communication. I communicate very well with people. I connect with people. I bond with people. So my biggest strength would be my communication. Definitely. How I communicate with other people. I’m very inclusive. So I would say that’s probably my biggest strength. The ability to talk to people.

HoOz- Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?

Cato III- I see myself working in my career field, either in the radio or in public relations for a company. Probably at that time I’ll be ready to be in a relationship and ready to settle down. Trying to own something, I’m planning on owning a house. And educating myself further on how to really build wealth. Probably try to look into buying properties or something like that. That’s what I see myself doing. Taking care of my family like I been doing.

HoOz- If you could tell your future self one thing, what would it be?

Cato III- Death before dishonor.

[gws201-blog]

Graduating High School.. Nine Months Pregnant?

20 Pop Culture Stereotypes We Must Debunk (Because    They’re Fucking Stupid)

1.   Race determines class

“White people were equated with richness and land” (Williams, pg. 431). Who’s to say you can’t be a person of color and also be loaded?! Sure, the Real Housewives have women of color who are ~loaded~, but the majority of shows depict non-white individuals and families as poor. Have you ever seen the TV show Everybody Hates Chris? The whole show is about a poor, African American family living in Brooklyn, NY—constantly worrying about money. Their father, Julius, is even so tight on money that he kept a picture of himself in his own wallet to keep as a reminder to not spend money. Shows like this may be hilarious, but continual negative portrayal of race and class hurts those who are included in the stereotype.

2.   Race determines education level

“Members of society are judged, and succeed or fail, measured against the characteristics that are held by those privileged (Wildman & Davis, pg. 111).” Why do we put less pressure on some people to go to college, and others are just assumed they’ll go, or maybe it’s assumed they’ll never even finish high school? How can we look at a 16-year-old black high school student and compare them to a white 16-year-old student, and think that we have enough information to label one of them as academically frivolous, and one as a failure?

3.   Race determines actions

Being white will never make you an angel, being a person of color will never make you dangerous. The media constantly portrays black people to carry guns, Middle Eastern people to be terrorists, and white people to be trashy, yet, more responsible with guns…? However, according to Chris Wilson with Time, mass shootings from the past 35 years were overwhelmingly white, male shooters. So why do we allow the media to make it look as if the white man is innocent in shows and movies, when in reality they’re the ones who are dangerous?  

4.   Race determines where you live

Similar to race determining your class, race also doesn’t dictate where someone lives. For example, in the show Shameless, a white family is actually living in the poor, “ghetto” area of town that they refer to as the South Side. However, back to Everybody Hates Chris as I mentioned prior, TV loves to show people of color living in shitty places as if it’s normal. We can’t let the world tell us you must live within constraint or restriction because of your skin; it’s 2018—love thy [literal] neighbor, dammit.

5.   Class determines your future, or lack-there-of

“Everyone knows that money brings privilege” (Wildman and Davis, pg. 111). Sure, it can. I won’t pretend that money doesn’t make it easier to afford things such as college. People act like student loans don’t exist, that grants don’t exist, FAFSA (even though they suck, but it’s whatever), loans, etc. do.not.exist.But these are excuses. Millions of students who are set up for failure because they can’t afford college or because their parent’s don’t have the money, but that doesn’t stop them.

6.   Class determines your likelihood to end up an addict

Face it—TV either depicts drug/alcohol addicts as either extremely poor, or extremely rich. No one ever seems to care about a middle-class addict. What’s worse though, assuming that being rich or poor increases your likelihood to be an addict, or by not paying as much attention to addicts who are neither of these classes. The rich have money to blow on, well, blow…. and the poor just somehow are expected to be more likely to hang out with the wrong crowd, try a drug once, and then do everything and anything they can in order to get money to keep on getting the drug—none of this is something that we should stereotype.

7.   Class determines the likelihood you’ll get pregnant at a young age

Your class and status don’t determine when you have sex and if you’re using protection, your decision to have sex without protection or situations of birth control failure are how you get pregnant at a young age (I’m leaving out situations of rape from this so I don’t write a novel). According to studies done by the US National Library of Medicine, socioeconomic status doesn’t determine the age you get pregnant at, but may determine to different pregnancy and birth complications due to lack of money to afford things such as healthcare, diapers, medicine, etc.

8.   Being feminine means you’re gay

“The new man is non-sexist, believes in gender equality and relates to women as human beings” (Milestone and Meyer, pg. 116). Apparently, the ‘new man’ is seen as a gay man to many. What even is femininity? A guy isn’t gay for wearing pink, giving a shit about how he looks, having female friends, or for his hobbies—I personally appreciate a man who takes care of his appearance, shows his feelings, ya know, showers and stuff. Kidding—I promise I have higher standards than a guy just showering. But anyways, what I’m trying to say is that none of these surface-level features give anyindication that a man is gay. And if he is, who even cares?!

9.   Being masculine means you’re a lesbian

*See #8*

Kidding, but really. Stop judging people based on how they look, dress, act, whatever. 

10.Gay people are promiscuous

First off, not your business. Second, you can just as easily say something dumb like that girls in sororities are sluts (trust me, I was in one and I got this comment a handful of times). I don’t even know how this stereotype came about, but I know that my gay friends joke about it al the time. If your gay friends make a joke about it, cool, it’s funny to talk about his “dick appointment”, but it’s different between a good friend making a statement, and you being an assumptive asshole.

11.Gay people have HIV aids

Every commercial I’ve ever seen on TV about medical treatment for HIV only show gay couples. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, gay and bisexual males are more susceptible to getting HIV because they tend to have anal sex, sometimes unprotected, which then puts them at serious risk. Sorry not sorry, but these commercials can’t just pretend straight couples don’t have unprotected anal sex. HIV doesn’t discriminate, so neither should we.

12.Gay people can’t have children

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. How do women who can’t conceive have children? Adoption, IVF, surrogate—there’s tons of options, and these are options for gay couples as well.

13.Gay people can’t be religious

There’s this notion that gay people must not believe in God because some people believe that homosexuality is a sin—even though God definitely says to love thy neighbor and that he loves all of his children, aka all of us. Shows such as Modern Familyare great examples of this. A gay couple, Cam and his husband Mitchell, attend church and even take their adopted daughter, Lily, with them. Sure they live in California where there’s more acceptance, but the fact that the show even displays this is great for ending this stereotype by showing it as normalized.  

14.Teen moms won’t graduate

I talk about Shamelessand Teen Moma lot, but hey, they’re perfect examples for a lot of these stereotypes. Shamelesssupports this stereotype by showing a 15 year old named Debbie who gets pregnant and drops out of high school. !!!BUT!!! Debbie eventually gets her GED and becomes a certified welder. Hell yeah. Teen Mom, which is a reality show, rarely shows teens graduating or getting any type of certification to better their education. Girls who are in similar situations may see this and be like “well shit, if they didn’t finish school and they’re fine, I’m not finishing either!”— then the girl and her baby daddy end up relying on their parents for everything. I graduated with a girl who was nine months pregnant, literally about to pop, and now she’s a young mom, yes, but she got to go on and attend college and is almost finished with her degree. By supporting pregnant teens and giving them the push they need, they can attempt to better their future and give their baby a great life (not that it won’t be great without education, but you know what I mean).

15.Teen pregnancy is easy & fun

If you’ve seen Teen Mom, you know that teen pregnancy isn’t easy. Yes, the show does glorify it sometimes by being like “oh, get pregnant at 16, you’ll get on TV!!!!” but they also show the raw, uncut scenes of the girls and couples hardcore struggling. Imagine missing class, missing prom, missing fun experiences you could be having with your friends when you’re not even twenty years old. Imagine the judgment by friends, family, and strangers because they assume you weren’t being careful. There’s a lot more to being a teen mom than being on TV and picking out cute baby clothes—don’t let TV and the media make you think you should get pregnant for fun.

16.Teen parents = unfit parents

I’ll be honest, this is a stereotype that I’ve believed for a long time. Teens are young, haven’t experienced life yet, aren’t fully educated, and aren’t always very mature—so why would they make good parents? Good question. Answer: no one is ever ~ready~ for their first kid. If you’ve never had children before, you’re in the same position as everybody else who has also never had kids. It doesn’t matter if you’ve babysat for years or if you have a college degree, having your first child isn’t something anyone can fully prepare for. You can have money, buy the best diapers, whatever, but you’ll still be learning how to care for the baby day by day no matter what age you are.

17.Trans people are confused

“you’re confused”

“it’s a phase”

“you’re just gay.”

-all quoted from a dumb ass, probably

For this, let’s go back to Linda Alcoff’s “The Problem Of Speaking For Others”. You don’t know how someone realized they weren’t the gender assigned to them at birth. You don’t know how they feel in their own skin every day. You don’t know the hardships and troubles and braveryit took for them to come to terms with being trans and be open about it to others. If you speak for them and try to say “oh, she’s confused” or “he’ll grow out of it”, all you’re doing is demeaning them, belittling them, and you’re lying to yourself and to them. Being trans isn’t easy. Support your trans friends or coworkers or whoever, and let them know that they’re always welcome in your life as they are.

18.Trans people are drag kings/queens

Similar to the last stereotype, being trans isn’t something you dress up in for fun and then change out of later. Anyone can dress in drag, not just transgender people. As Janet Mock discussed in Redefining Realness, drag can empower people and make them feel pretty and good about themselves. However, it doesn’t make you trans just because you partake in drag.

19.Trans people are predators

“Can you be guaranteed to find a public bathroom that is safe and equipped for you to use? (Taylor, pg. 296). Think about it—there’s a higher chance of a trans person being assaulted by someone because of who they are than a cisgender person being attacked in a bathroom by someone who’s trans. As much as I hate to get into this—I’ll be brief. No, trans people aren’t creeps. No, they’re not lying about their identity. No, they do not want to use the female restroom for ANY other reason aside from beingfemale.

20.Being who you are is easy

“We tend to forget the thousands of minute decisions that consciously construct the artificial world that has been created” (Smith, pg. 128). Though this quote is about movies, it’s true for real life. We make decisions every day that can drastically alter our lives. The thing is, we make these decisions in order to please others; we make choices that define us once we think about how it impacts others, what they’ll think, and what the worst-case scenario of these decisions may be. This is where it becomes difficult to be who you are. It’s hard to be yourself when you’re worried about what other people think more than you worry about yourself and your happiness. Put yourself first, worry about yourself, and make yourself proud—fuck everything else.

                                                Citations

Alcoff, Linda. “The Problem of Speaking for Others.” Cultural Critique, no. 20, 1991, p. 10.,       doi:10.2307/1354221.    

Bornstein, Kate, and Evin Taylor. Gender Outlaw: on Men, Women, and the Rest of Us. Vintage   Books, 2016.

“HIV and Gay and Bisexual Men Understanding HIV/AIDS.” National Institutes of Health, U.S.   Department of Health and Human Services, 5 Apr. 2018, aidsinfo.nih.gov/understanding-          hiv-aids/fact-sheets/25/81/hiv-and-gay-and-bisexual-men.

“Making Systems of Privilege Visible.” Making Systems of Privilege Visible, by Stephanie M Wildman and Adrienne D Davis, p. 111.  

Milestone, Katie, and Anneke Meyer. Gender and Popular Culture. Polity, 2012.

Min, Kim. Socioeconomic Status Can Affect Pregnancy Outcomes and Complications, Even With              A Universal Healthcare System. U.S. National Library of Medicine, National Institute of                 Health, 5 Jan. 2018, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5756361/.

Mock, Janet. Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & so Much More.       Simon & Schuster, 2015.

Smith, Greg M. “It's Just a Movie: A Teaching Essay for Introductory Media Classes.” Cinema Journal, vol. 41, no. 1, 2001, p. 128., doi:10.1353/cj.2001.0025.  

Williams, Claudette. Gal... You Come From Foreign. McGraw Hill, 2002.

Wilson, Chris. “Mass Shootings in the US: See 35 Years in One Chart.” Time, Time, 2 Oct.         2017, time.com/4965022/deadliest-mass-shooting-us-history/.

[wowiejimin]

Safe - Chapter 2

I would like to say thank you for all the love and support so far! I was really surprised with the outcome from this fic, it really really made my day :’) Enjoy this new chapter~

I’ve also made a hashtag thinking maybe it’ll be easier for you guys to find the fic! the hashtag will be under “wowiejimin safe fic” :)

Pairing: Gang Member!Jimin x Poor Heart!Genius!Reader

Genre: Angst, Romance, Lots of Action, Humor, Fluff, & Smut (In the Future)

Length: 5.0K

Warnings: Swearing, Blood, Death, Smut (In the Future), Blood

Members Included: All of BTS, other KPop groups in the future

Previous Chapter Chapter List Next Chapter

In his world, being a part of a mafia gang, known as Bangtan Boys, is a bit terrifying. They were truly a filthy rich and powerful group that everyone feared. 22-year old Jimin was described as the stealthiest and most skilled member of Bangtan, playing an important part in their group. Whereas for 20-year-old (Y/N), a genius with a weak heart is suffering inside the cruel world as she is experimented on on the daily basis. Jimin finds himself protecting a gifted girl whose memory can hold numerous things in a blink of an eye. Jimin finds an interest in her, visioning that she may be a valuable asset to their group. Jimin has never paid attention to girls. However, that started to change when he met her.

The sound of rough punching and pants were heard across the whole gym room. Jimin heaved a breath before continuing to punch the bag of sand that hung from the high ceiling.

Everyone knew that Park Jimin was known for his heartless and brutal ways of killing. Hell, he sometimes brawls for his own pleasure. Most people like to think that he prefers to use his bare hands rather than weapons. But he is also known for his manipulative tricks; tricking their targets into something they regret doing when crossing Bangtan.

For as long as Jimin could remember, he was widely known as Seoul's strongest man. Jimin is excellent in all aspects when it came to combat and weaponry; to a point that everyone says he is the best at it. It is also said that the man was as valuable as an entire brigade, far outweighing any other member of any gang. Namjoon has even said that he was considered extremely strong before joining Bangtan. He has an alarming amount of physical strength, showing evidence for this mastery of both combat and weaponry. Despite his small stature, his body was built with heavy muscle, making him strong and being able to defeat his opponents easily. As far as Jimin knows, he hasn't lost a fight in either combat or weaponry. However, this does not stop him from getting injured, though.

Jimin heard the door open as he looked at the person who came in from the corner of his eye. It was Taehyung. The silver-haired boy practically skipped towards the older boy, (only by a few months) throwing him a water bottle. "Here ya go!" He gleamed. Jimin caught it with ease without looking, taking off the cap. Jimin gave out little noises of content as the cold liquid ran down his throat, satisfying him. 

"Are you going to go out for your usual jogs?" Taehyung asked. Jimin nodded, "Of course." He said, placing the water bottle down. Taehyung pouted, "But it's almost dinner. Jin hyung is making steak tonight." He says as Jimin gave out a little chuckle, "It's fine; I'll just eat the leftovers, no worries." Jimin says before slipping on an old black hoodie.

Taehyung hummed before getting up from where he was, seeing that the sun has just started to set. "You better be careful out there. It's getting dark." Taehyung mumbled as Jimin nodded his head, "Yeah I know." Jimin responded, unplugging his charged phone before tucking it into his joggers. Jimin started to walk out of gym room with Taehyung following.

"Where's everyone else?" Jimin asked as Taehyung folded his arms across his chest, "Jungkook is with Namjoon hyung and Yoongi hyung. I heard that they're raiding a laboratory right now, stealing all the drugs while they’re out doing some business." Taehyung says as Jimin quirked an eyebrow, "Drugs? We don't use drugs." Jimin says as Taehyung shrugged, "They're for another gang. I guess they're too fucking pussy to do it themselves so they turned to us for help." Jimin chuckled at Taehyung before stopping in the foyer.

"I also hear that they hold test subjects in there, testing out their drugs to really see if they work. Some say they even use them as scrappers in underground fights or for gambling since the drugs do some type of witchery to make them more focused or mind read." Taehyung shivered as Jimin furrowed his eyebrows, "I don't think it'll make them mind read, Tae." Jimin chuckled, putting his rather expensive running shoes on.

"Alright, I'll be back within 30 minutes," Jimin says as he pulled his hoodie over his head. Jimin look over at Taehyung, watching his tail whoosh behind him.

Taehyung was a wolf hybrid that Namjoon took in after rescuing him from a rival gang. And in exchange for saving his life, he became a loyal member of Bangtan since. Taehyung played an important part in Bangtan as he was the tracker. His amazing senses helped them track down enemies and take them down. Not only that, but his incredible strength has helped them through missions.  

Taehyung nodded before turning away, "If you're not back within 30 minutes, I'm telling Jin hyung~!" Taehyung chimed before entering the living room. Jimin rolled his eyes, opening the door, "I'm leaving." Jimin closed the door, locking it with the spare key hidden in the plant next to the double doors. Jimin huffed before putting back the spare key in the dirt before jogging out of their property.

~/~

“For the last time, give me the numbers.” He yelled, slamming down the pen down on the desk. The man behind her pushed her slightly, urging her to obey. (Y/N) clenched her teeth and stood there. The leader of the group, the Void named Jongwoo, sighed as he crumpled the paper up, “You’re a brave girl, a clever one too. But do you know how we knew who you were and where you’re going to be?” He asked and she nodded, “Someone told you.” She responded as he smirked slightly, “That’s right. Can you guess who?” He asked and nodded at his men, “Let him in!”

A man walked in through the door, causing (Y/N) to quietly gasp. It was her doctor. “It was him! The one who told you helped you through your heart problem up until now. He’s been working with us on this mission.” Jongwoo before the doctor smiled at (Y/N).

(Y/N) fluently speaks 18 languages, learning each language under 15 minutes. The doctor crouched slightly down to her height, deciding to speak to her in Japanese, refraining from the men from knowing what they were saying, “(Y/N), I tell these men what they want to know and they pay me lots and lots of money. Do the same and they will help you too.” He tells her as (Y/N) furrowed her brows, “You’re a stupid man.” She spat.

“You don’t understand business. You gave them what they want and now they will kill you.” (Y/N) told him and one of the men grabbed her shoulder, “Hey! Speak Korean.” He demanded. The doctor smile nervously, “S-She won’t tell me anything—“Before the doctor could finish, he was cut off by a gunshot to his head. (Y/N) gasped slightly, feeling the tears well up in her eyes, trying to keep it in.

“Our leader is a patient man, I’m not.” The man that shot the doctor growled, pressing the gun to her cheek. “Tell him what he wants to know.” He says and suddenly loud bang was heard on the door.

“It’s the Ravens~” Someone yelled outside the door. (Y/N) recognized it to be another gang, already knowing that they’re after her too. “What the fuck.” The leader growled as his men pointed their guns at the door. “Bring the girl out and no one gets hurt.” The leader of the Ravens promised. With all the men distracted, (Y/N) quietly left the room, quickly walking into the washroom, locking the door behind her.

“Open the door or it’ll be war!” The leader of the Ravens, Penzo, grew impatient. Jongwoo scoffed, “You come in here and we’ll shoot you all to the ground!” He threatened.

From outside the building, multiple black vans crowded around.

Penzo sighed, seeing that he was receiving a call from Banjo. “We found them; however, they don’t want to cooperate,” Penzo tells Banjo.

 Banjo sighed in frustration, fearing the thought of what would happen if Mr. Han found out. “We made a deal.” Banjo growled as Penzo rolled his eyes, “Yup, we the girl, bring her back to you, and we get $50,000. Although…” Penzo looked around before smirking, “The Whisperers did offer me a higher price if I gave them your kid.” Banjo bit his lip.

He knew this was coming. The leader of the Whisperers, Quan, offered Penzo $100,000. Banjo sighed, running a hand through his hair, “Fine. $200,000. Final offer.”

Penzo smirked even more, “Deal.”

Jongwoo looked back at (Y/N), only to find her missing. He gritted his teeth, grabbing one of his men, “Get her back in her!” He yelled as one of his men hurriedly went to the other room. He attempted to open the washroom door, only to find it locked. He furrowed his brows before kicking the door down, seeing that the window was wide open. He widens his eyes before looking out the window, seeing that (Y/N) has already made her way down the street.

The man came back into the room, telling his leader about (Y/N)’s escape. Jongwoo sighed before opening the door, meeting face to face to Penzo.

Penzo looked at Jongwoo with a smirk, “Hey, I made a deal with Banjo, the girl’s dad or whatever. If I bring her back to him, I get $200,000. So, because I like you, I’ll like to share the money I make after I hand him the girl. How’s that?” Penzo offered as Jongwoo rolled his eyes.

“Bullshit.” Jongwoo says before sighing, “But I have to tell you something before you come in.” He says. Penzo titled his head, “What?”

“She’s gone.”

“What do you mean she’s gone?

“She escaped, you fucking idiot.”

“Oh. But I don’t get it. Why is everyone after her? What does she have?”

“I don’t know, Penzo, but all I know is that it leads more than just $200,000.”

~/~

“Korean girl, 5’0, wavy hair, 20-years-old. MOVE!” Penzo yelled at his men as they all took off with their black vehicles. The Void, however, ran around Seoul to find (Y/N), knowing she’s near and won’t be needing a vehicle to find her.

After finding out that (Y/N) is more than just $200,000, Penzo called off the deal with Banjo and the Whisperers, deciding to capture (Y/N) for himself. And now, there were four gangs going after (Y/N), the Void, the Ravens, the Whisperers, and Banjo.

(Y/N) quickly walked down the street, heading for the subway. The sun started to set, causing (Y/N) to panic, knowing that she didn’t know the streets of Seoul very well. She was quick on her feet like she was in the boxing ring.

“She’s heading for the subway!” The members of the Void yell, seeing her small figure from afar.

~/~

Banjo clenched his jaw, entering Mr. Han’s office, head hanging low, “I lost her. They got her.” He mumbled. Mr. Han fumed in anger, looking at Banjo. “Is that so…” He gritted his teeth before slamming his hand on his desk.

“Look at you, Banjo! You lost the one thing I asked for you to watch over, and now your lab is being raided by one of the strongest gangs in South Korea!” He yelled. Banjo furrowed his brows and looked at the older man, “I watched over the kid for fucking 10 years! How much time did you need? The kid is an adult now, she for sure knows where she’s going, probably finding her way back to us.” Banjo says, trying to convince him.

Mr. Han scoffed, “Oh really? Finding her way back to us? To you? Give me a break, you tortured the girl, making her gamble and fight in those stupid underground matches for money! Other than that, you used your fucking drugs on her! For 10 fucking years! There’s no way she’s going to be coming back to us, not after all that shit you did to her!” He barked.

Banjo sighed in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I needed to know if those drugs worked and I was in debt, and I needed the money. And now, my lab is getting fucking raided by Bangtan.” He says as Mr. Han sent him an eye roll. “Yeah, well, those drugs did nothing but worsen her weak fucking heart! I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s dead by now.” Mr. Han sighed as Banjo shook his head, “No, we’ll get her. I know we will.”

“Well, if they get her before we do, your head will be gone in an instant.” Mr. Han threated.

~/~

After 20 minutes of jogging, Jimin found himself jogging through the subway station. He sighed, pulling out his phone, “How do I get out of here again?” Jimin asked quietly to himself, walking further into the station.

He looked up through his hood, noticing a young woman, probably a bit younger than he was, maybe Jungkook’s age, walking around the station with fright written all over her face. Jimin tilted his head and watched. The young woman looked back, meeting eye contact with Jimin’s before turning away, walking away quickly.

Out of curiosity, Jimin started to follow her, thinking maybe she was lost. It was until four men entered the station as well, looking as if they were trying to find something. Trying to find someone. Jimin looked closer at the men, recognizing them as members from the Void. Jimin widens his eyes before one of the members growled, “I know she went this day.” He says before they all walk further down the station.

Jimin smirked, “Oh shit, not them again.” Jimin mumbled.

Jimin remembered the last time he interacted with them. He was with the rest of his members, meeting up with the Void to make a deal. But that went out of plan as usual but nonetheless, Bangtan pulled through successfully, killing those who came to the deal. And ever since that day, the Void knew to never interact with Bangtan again.

Jimin’s smirk then disappeared when he noticed that the girl from earlier was hiding behind a pole, peeking behind to see if the men passed by. Is she hiding from them? Jimin thought.

The train finally came to a stop as the doors opened. Jimin watched attentively as the young woman walked in. Jimin then watched the four men walk into the train as well from a different cart. “Maybe she went in here.” One of them says as Jimin see the young woman panic from seeing the men enter the train.

“Oh fuck no,” Jimin grumbled.

(Y/N) stood inside the train, seeing that the men have entered the train as well. (Y/N) thought quickly before running down the carts of the train. The doors closed, stopping Jimin from entering. The train started to move quickly as Jimin followed along, cursing quietly.

Jimin looked inside the train, seeing that the girl started to move towards the front of the train. Jimin was running now, waiting for the end of the train to appear. Once the end of the train appeared, Jimin grabbed onto the railing that held onto the side of the train. Jimin grunted, sliding onto the platform, attempting to open the back door, only to find it locked.

(Y/N) panicked, running down the train carts with the four men slowly trailing behind her.

Jimin cursed under his breath, "Fuck." Jimin muttered and looked up, beginning to climb on top of the train. As he got on top, he carefully ran down, trying not to fall off. He looked up to see that the train was about to enter a tunnel. He ran quickly into a gap between two train carts, ripping the door open. Jimin found himself the four men, quickly, following.

(Y/N) practically ran, looking back every now and then. She knew the number of train carts were coming to an end soon and had to think fast. There was no other way to escape unless she ran out as soon as the train is at the next stop. The men quickly followed with Jimin trailing behind. (Y/N) then came to a stop, seeing that there was nowhere to go. She was cornered.

She whimpered, turning around to see that the four men have already found her. Jimin clenched his jaw, stepping forward before the men could enter the cart she was in.

Jimin then grabbed one of their shoulders, turning him around. Jimin headbutted him, knocking him out almost instantly. The other men noticed and quickly told one of them to get (Y/N). Another man came up to Jimin, swinging a fast. Jimin quickly caught his fist with ease before kicking his crotch. The man yelled in pain, crouching down as Jimin swung his foot, hitting the side of his face roughly, Another man came at Jimin, who kicked his chest, making him stumble back into the fourth man's chest. Jimin quickly punched both sides of his face hard, knocking him out. Then the man who got hit in the crotch got up, grabbing Jimin into a headlock. Jimin grunted, elbowing his crotch once again, allowing him to break free and elbowed his face before swinging his fist to the man's throat. The man fell to the ground as the last man standing pulled a handgun out.

Jimin growled and quickly grabbed their wrist, twisting it. He groaned in pain as Jimin forcefully dragged him down to the seats and pulled his arm from behind his back, twisting it even more. "Argh!" The man howled in pain. Jimin let go and pushed him down to the ground, taking a look at his face.

"Nice beating your ass once again, Kaze." Jimin panted, recognizing the man as Jongwoo's right-hand man. Jimin grabbed the gun, pointing it at his face. Kaze widen his eyes, "J-Jimin?" He says in disbelief.

(Y/N) watched as Jimin pointed the gun at Kaze. She panted slightly from all the running as she recognized the mysterious man's face, "Bangtan." She whispered to herself.

"You know damn well that we told you to get out of this part of the city. But it looks like you disobeyed." Jimin growled and before Kaze could protest, Jimin pulled the trigger, killing him. Screams were heard on the train as the people around immediately stood at the doors, wanting to get out. Jimin then shot at the three other men before slipping the gun into his waistband.

Jimin huffed and slowly walked into the cart (Y/N) was in. Everyone backed away from Jimin as the train came stopped at the next station. Jimin looked at her as he breathed heavily, catching his breath. "You okay?" He asked and (Y/N) stared him, watching his every move. People immediately ran out as soon as the doors opened, and so did (Y/N). Jimin cursed and ran out of the train as well.

(Y/N) walked down the street, hoping she lost him. She looked up at the sky, meeting with the night sky. She huffed as she looked around. Suddenly, she was pulled back to see a member of the Ravens, "Woah! Easy there. There's nothing to worry about," The man paused as he sent her a smile, "What's your name, hun?" He asked, opening the door to his car, "We'll take good care of you."

Before (Y/N) can enter the vehicle, Jimin came in and kicked the man's shin and pushed him down onto the car, using all his strength as he punched him in the throat, knocking his windpipes out.

(Y/N) widens her eyes before quietly getting out of the car, getting away.

Jimin watched the man's body go limp before noticing (Y/N)'s retreating form. Jimin grabbed her wrist gently, "Hey, hey... I'm not going to hurt you." He says as vans pull up nearby. A man came out and started to shoot in their direction. Jimin sighed and pushed (Y/N) to the passenger seat, quickly making his way over to the driver's seat.

"What the hell did you do, kid?!" Jimin asked as gunshots cracked the back windshield of the car as Jimin turned on the car and drove reverse, knocking a few men over before driving forward, running over a few more men.

Jimin drove as fast as he could, "You know, those men are bad. Pretty obvious but wanna tell me why they're after you?" He asked (Y/N), looking at her. (Y/N) looked back at him as gunshots were still heard. Jimin quirked an eyebrow, "You understand me, right? Do you speak Korean?" Jimin asked, confused whether or not if she understood him or not. 

~/~

"What do you mean she got away?" Penzo growled through the phone. "Someone else took her. Not the Void or Banjo. He killed a couple of people, almost killing more too. I didn't grasp to see what he looked like." A loyal member of Penzo's gang answered him. Penzo sighed, "Then kill him. Get the girl alive. If you can't, then kill her too."

~/~

Jimin took a sharp right but the Ravens quickly followed. Jimin then took a sharp left as (Y/N) held tight to the armrest, "A-Are you crazy?! You're in the wrong lane!" (Y/N) cried as the cars passed them. Jimin looked at her before a bus came to view. Jimin then pressed onto the gas, driving fast enough to dodge it.

The Ravens behind them, however, crash into the bus. Another vehicle whom Jimin recognized as the Void drove by the bumper. Jimin cursed, "Fuck, alright, listen to me." Jimin looked at the girl, "You're going to do what I have to say, alright?" Jimin says before turning into a tight alleyway. Jimin quickly got out, taking (Y/N) into a hidden spot behind a few boxes.

The Ravens stopped their car, getting out, "Where the hell did they go?!" They yelled as Jimin started to shoot at them, getting their attention. Jimin came close and shot one of them, using him as a shield as the other men attempted to shoot at Jimin, only to continue to shoot at their fallen member. Jimin threw the body off of him as a man came up behind him. Jimin quickly elbowed them face as the other man swung a fist. Jimin blocked his punch as he grabbed the man by the nape of his neck and shoved their face into the car numerous times till Jimin heard the crack from his nose gushes of blood oozing out. Jimin then brought the gun up, shooting both of the men.

Jimin breathed heavily, walking over to where (Y/N) was, "You okay?" He asked and she looked up at him, nodding gently. "Let's go." He says softly, bringing a hand to her shoulder, guiding her.

~/~

Jimin guessed that since no one was able to recognize his identity, besides the ones he killed, the girl wouldn't be able to get tracked down unless she had a source of 

(Y/N) didn't know exactly why she stood by the man who saved her. But she felt like she could trust him, especially how ruthless he acted when fighting those men in order to save her life.

The young woman noticed that they made their way to a luxurious looking building. As if Jimin could read her mind, Jimin smirked slightly, "This is our HQ, if you're wondering." Jimin says as they entered the building, bodyguards holding the door for them. The two made their way to what seemed like Jimin's office, located on the sixth floor.

"This is a nice place." She mumbled to herself as Jimin closed his office door, making his way towards the windows, drawing the curtains closed as well. Jimin motioned for her to sit on the couch, which she did.

Jimin sighed before taking a seat next to her, a foot apart from each other. He faced her with a serious yet gentle look before ending out his name, "The names Jimin, Park Jimin." He introduced. (Y/N) slowly shook his hand, her hand smaller than his by a bit (omg what impossible).

"(Y/N)." She smiled awkwardly. Jimin looked sighed, "Are you in a gang, (Y/N)?" He asked. (Y/N) shrugged, "N-No, not really. I would have to say that I was just involved in a lot of things." She says quietly, looking down. "What are you involved in? What are you doing with those type of people?" He asked, wanting to know more.

(Y/N) gulped before letting out a shaky breath, "T-To count..." She says nervously as Jimin quirked an eyebrow, "Are you sure about that?" He asked as the girl sighed, "I played a part in a lot of things... Bad things." She frowned, avoiding eye contact with Jimin. "Did you want to do those things?" He asked and she quickly shook her head, "I never wanted to... I was just... forced to do them." She says quietly.

Jimin inhaled deeply, "Who are these people that you were involved with?" He asked. Jimin didn't know why he was trying to help her. Maybe because she reminded him of himself when he was younger. He really didn't know why, but he knew that something about her is important if so many people are after her.

"Mr. Han and Hwang Banjo." She muttered, "Do you know them?" She asked as he nodded lightly. "I've heard of them." Jimin says before widening his before sitting up straight, “Wait... Banjo... Doesn’t he own that lab? With the drugs?” He questioned, remembering what Taehyung has told him. If what Taehyung has said was true, then (Y/N) must’ve been—

(Y/N) looked down at her hands. "I was abducted at a young age." She confessed, "I knew they wanted to use me as a source of money, but now I'm not so sure." (Y/N) referred to all the times she's been punished and experimented on, clearly not relevant in using her intelligence. "What did they do to you?" Jimin asked quietly, already having an idea of what they did. Jimin noticing her upset and quiet state, so he settled back down onto the couch, showing her not to be afraid of him.

She hitched in a breath before sighing, "I was taken to Banjo's lab. And ever since he took me in as a test subject," She paused, clasping her hands tight, "H-He's been injecting his drugs into me... experimenting and so much more..." She trailed off, feeling her lip quiver, "experimenting led to fighting as a scrapper, to gambling, to punishment." She says and looked up at him before looking back down. Jimin gulped, understanding what she was going through.

(Y/N) lifted her hair up, revealing a nasty scar on her neck. Jimin guessed that that is where the drugs were injected, right on her neck. Jimin sighed, nodding understandingly, avoiding the nasty scar. He was dark and quite large. It seemed as though that Banjo must’ve injected the drugs in the same place numerous types. He winced slightly at the sight, knowing that it must’ve hurt really bad, especially by the size of the needle.

"So, let me get this straight," Jimin says, getting her attention.

"You were abducted as a child because...?"

"I'm gifted."

Jimin raised his brows, "Meaning like--" (Y/N) looked at Jimin, "I soak up information like sponges and can solve any logical problem within seconds. I was known to have way more advanced intellectual skills than anyone else in my hometown." She mumbled. Jimin nodded, understanding where she was coming from. Almost like Namjoon hyung. He thought.

So, if she was seen as a human computer to others, she must be a fucking genius, He thought about it for a moment. "This Mr. Banjo and Han guy," Jimin started. (Y/N) smiled a bit, "Mr. Han and Banjo?" She corrected with a light laugh. Jimin gave out a little grin. "What did they make you do to have all these people come after you?" He questioned.

(Y/N) clenched her jaw, debating whether or not she should tell him. (Y/N) sighed, "Mr. Han made me memorise this very long number. I was supposed to go to someplace to get the second set of numbers and more instructions but the Void members came in and shot everyone." She explained. Jimin looked at her with a blank face,  "Then the Ravens came and that was when I ran away. And then I met you." She looked up at him through her long and thick eyelashes. Jimin gritted his teeth at the sound of the Ravens getting involved. A truly idiotic gang is what Jimin thought when it came to the Ravens, "And now, I hear that the Whisperers are trying to get involved as well, trying to get their hands on me." She says as Jimi hummed, "Do you want to go back to this Mr. Han guy?" He asked and she immediately shook her head.

"No, never. I'll just be put back into that dark cell, back with the experiments and stuff." She shivered, "And I-I caused too much trouble. I'm sure I'll be punished for escaping. He might even kill me after I finish this task." She says quietly.

Jimin thought about what was happening with (Y/N). If she had to memorise this long ass number, making all these gangs try to take her, then this number is important, He thought.

"What's this number?" Jimin asked with a rough voice, surprising (Y/N), "It's really long..." She says as Jimin sat closer to her, "How do you know this is just and not just separate numbers? Is there anything interesting about these numbers?" Jimin asked, having an idea where this was going.

"A few of them," She answered, "They either have a 2 or a 7 before them." She paused, thinking for a bit, "All the numbers are random but five of them have a 7 before and eight of them have a 2 before them. That's too many times to be random." (Y/N) looked at Jimin, who stared deeply into her eyes.

(Y/N) gulped, "Once I memorised the number, I started to think it was a--"

"A code." Jimin finished for her. (Y/N) nodded slowly, "Yeah, a code." She says quietly. Jimin started to lean forward slowly, making her flustered a bit. "So the ones that are interesting are happening too many times to be random, hm?" He asked quietly, a few inches from her face, "M-Mhm..." (Y/N) hummed nervously, "They're not numbers, they're words." She says quietly.

"It's a combination, for a safe."

=

And that is chapter 2!!! once again, thank you so so much for the love and support :) i love you allllll ~~

#bangtan #bangtan boys #bangtan scenarios #bangtan boys scenarios #jimin #BTS jimin #park jimin #bts park jimin #bts scenarios #bts gang #bts #bts mafia #bts hybrid au #bts gang au #bts mafia au #bts series #beyond the scene #bts jimin scenario #bts jimin scenario #bts jimin scenarios #bts au #bts jimin fic #bts fluff #bts angst #bts smut #bts imagines #bts x reader #bts jimin x reader

[creaturebloom]

this is a 65 question ask meme and im the bitch that’s filling it all out at once to waste time

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? oh yeah definitely, but it’s usually the other way around where everyone else is real and i am not

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? idk like a 2.5 i guess

3. The person you would never want to meet? i mean. i don’t know ??? how can i know who i don’t want to meet until i have met them and decided they’re the worst

4. What is your favorite word? akimbo

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? i would WANT to be a weeping willow, but in all honesty i’d probably be a birch or some type of maple

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? i honestly cannot recall

7. What shirt are you wearing? a grey pajama shirt

8. What do you label yourself as? the skeleton god

9. Bright room or dark room? i mean if we’re talking the absolute brightest room vs the absolute darkest, i suppose i would pick brightest.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? for once i was actually asleep

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? god probably like 8 years old was good

12. Who told you they loved you last? my dad

13. Your worst enemy? it me

14. What is your current desktop picture? it’s a landscape in the style of like miyazaki movie backgrounds

15. Do you like someone? romantically ? no

16. The last song you listened to? poison vine - noah gundersen

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? just like physically destroy one person ???? idk man. like the consequences of this would probably be too far reaching for me to even fathom. do i get caught ?? does it spark paranoia worldwide ? a string of copy-cat murders ? could i live with myself knowing i killed a human being ?

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? nazis

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? idk like. the idea of a slave that has to do stuff for me for a day is kind of wild. if i can like, make a billionaire my slave and then force them to redistribute their wealth then i’d do that

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) my bones !! i can’t show them to you though, not yet

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? i guess the opposite of nonbinary is SUPER binary so i’d be like half man half woman and i’d look exactly like a halloween costume

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? no, all of my talents are pretty out in the open

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? one unique thing ??? i don’t think anyone really has unique fears. if you dig deep enough they all sort of boil down to the same few things in the end. i guess the most strange fear i have is that spiders will be in my slippers, and so i do not own or wear slippers.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. oh shit ok. idk all the ingredients but one time i ate a vegetarian bahn mi in chicago and it was like the most heavenly sandwich i’ve ever had. i want that again. endlessly.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? honestly at this very moment in time i would buy groceries, and also maybe a pad of watercolor paper

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? oof, leave immediately ??? that limits my choices bc i don’t have a passport. i guess i’d go to like. god idk oregon ? colorado ??? the pacific northwest somewhere.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? wait what am i supposed to figure out if i don’t drink booze ??? like if my plan was to sell it, i’d have to get a liquor license, and that’s a can of worms i don’t care to open. i think i would ask the angel if instead i can get a lifetime supply of, like, that good bahn mi sandwich i was talking about a few questions up.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? no nerds allowed

29. What is your favorite expletive? i’m pretty partial to fuck, but honesly yikes is what i say most often even though that’s not a swear word. petition to make yikes a swear word.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? hey so one time there was actually the threat of a fire in my house and despite all these questions no one does anything like that. i put on my shoes, grabbed my phone, sunglasses and water bottle because they were all immediately available as i was exiting the house. so as much as i’d love to grab my box of treasures and keepsakes, i absolutely would not and i know this about myself now.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? yikes. i can see the appeal of this for a lot of people, but for myself it’s just uhhh not feasible. i’d always wonder what i erased, and at some point i would uncover the truth. i wouldn’t like to live with that kind of mystery going on.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! oh thank god. i’m moving to a colder climate with universal healthcare.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? okay i would strike a deal here and let’s say i can bring back two pets instead of one person and in this case i would bring back rusty (family golden retriever), and also kohji (brother’s shepherd mix). i’d like to say i’d bring back my cat, but i have two cats now and i know my brother would really like his dog back.

34. What was your last dream about? i don’t really remember, tbh. i’ve been having a lot of weird dreams tho

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? yes i am a VERY good [something]

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? yes ! it was terrifying and i’d never like to do it again thanks

37. Have you ever built a snowman? no, somehow this was never presented to me as an option any time i’ve been around snow

38. What is the color of your socks? buddy i’ve not worn socks in months. but also generally they are striped with various colors.

39. What type of music do you like? gay stuff

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunrises

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? chocolate

42. What football team do you support? oh i sure don’t

43. Do you have any scars? yes, many

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? considering that i am no longer in school, the answer is that i want to do whatever i feel like doing at any given moment

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? i suppose i’d cure my mental illness (which i’m working on, so, this will happen)

46. Are you reliable? oh, no. no thanks. i absolutely am but i hate feeling obligated so i always choose to not put myself in situations where someone needs to rely on me for anything

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? i guess i’d ask if they’re happy

48. Do you hold grudges? i mean. i don’t forget things ........ but i am capable of forgiving people

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? nope ! i’ve seen movies, i know what horror that can cause

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? one time my sister and i were talking to our aunt, and we could not for the life of us figure out if she was trying to GIVE or SELL us some rabbit fur coats she had ......... it’s been over a decade and we still do not know which it was

51. Are you a good liar? yes

52. How long could you go without talking? several million years

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? sorry my hair is indestructible and because of the natural texture it looks great no matter what. i’m blessed and i know it.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? what kind of person doesn’t bake their own cake ????? rich people i guess

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? yes ! but not very well

56. What do you like on your toast? butter, and occasionally cinnamon sugar

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? some cool clouds

58. What would be you dream car? a honda prelude with the pop-up lights

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. i do sing in the shower sometimes, but not loudly

60. Do you believe in aliens? absolutely

61. Do you often read your horoscope? almost every day, but i do my full birth-chart horoscope so that it’s accurate, and not like horoscopes from the newspaper

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? n

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? i mean are they not the same thing. tell me a dinosaur and a dragon are not basically the same things.

64. What do you think about babies? yeah they’re alright. i never want to be in charge of one but i’m alright with them

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. i guess the most interesting thing i can think to ask myself is which tarot decks i have, and i will tell you. i have the prisma visions tarot (which is amazing), and also the shadowscapes deck (beautiful!), and also a deck of runes that i made myself with a sharpie on a pack of pepsi branded playing cards

#about mai #i guess this used up like thirty minutes of my time

[yaminerua]

Y’all I am seriously not having a good time rn

And like yeah literally no-one is because this year is a fucking disaster but god..... I feel like I’m getting backed onto the edge of a cliff by stress...

I’m sorry I’ve been slow with commissions and barely got any new art done but man I just don’t have the emotional or physical energy to...

This year has been one year after another of stressful or upsetting things even just in my personal life alone and that’s not even INCLUDING the state of the world and everything else going on...

Like god my papa died this year and I knew he was going to eventually because cancer is a fucking Bitch but it happened faster than anyone thought only a few days before the UK’s lockdown was finally put in place. So I couldn’t go to the funeral. But my aunt had said even before we knew we wouldn’t be allowed that if my brother and I showed up there’d be a war. Because of all the Stupid Family Nonsense that has just been swirling and bubbling and frothing over the years. My gran is torn between wanting me to visit cos I’d be good company and hating my guts because of all the Shit that’s happened.

I dunno how to abridge it... it’s mostly them rewriting history or just straight up misinterpreting the ways or reasons things happened and pinning it all on my dad, his family, and my and my brother instead of the actual people who fucked everything up, those being the crooked lawyers who fucked us over 20 years ago, my mum after her meltdown changed her into a horrible person and her family who tried to gaslight, kidnap, blackmail and manipulate us all the fuckin way.

We were terrified of them because they tried to kidnap us and keep us from dad, tried to lie to us and change the way events unfolded by telling us completely false versions of events despite the fact we were present for most of them and they absolutely did not play out the way they wanted us to believe. Tried to brainwash us against my dad and his family and then turned around and tried to say that him and his family were trying to brainwash us against THEM.

So much distress and upset happened whenever we visited and other things happened that were just plain terrifying fear-for-our-lives shit that we just. Didn’t feel safe going over anymore. But they refuse to accept that. And think we just cut them off and abandoned them (which is rich since actually the cutting off happened from their end first but, again, they loooove to rewrite history).

So all of that mess is being continuously dug up to guilt trip us and make us feel bad because our cousins hate us, my aunt Despises us, and my gran wobbles in between of wanting to see us and also despising us too.

I made an effort to rebuild the bridges that had been burnt because I wanted my papa to know I didn’t hate him and that I wanted him to see me again and know that an effort was being made to patch things up because I knew that was what he wanted. And he never deserved to have been cut off from us. It was the women in the family who were being the assholes and he was just for the most part caught up in it.

He was so happy to see me and happy to think the family was beginning to come together again. Unfortunately his daughter and her sons do not respect his wishes. And my mum flip flops because she’s still affected by what happened to her more than 15 years ago. Her head got so messed up by all the legal stress and the brainwashing from her mum and sister that she just. Doesn’t remember what was real or what was false anymore. But also won’t ever listen to our side because it’s Wrong By Default.

So we ‘abandoned’ her in her eyes and she will Always try to Remind us. of that and all the other bullshit she wants us to believe.

My phone anxiety is directly related to her and Now I have to talk to her everyday because my papa’s death unfortunately opened up the communications that I’d forced closed for years to protect my own mental health.

But this year has just been ‘fuck your mental health’ so. naturally that wish gets kicked out the window and the phone can’t be refused anymore.

Sometimes the calls are ok. She talks about herself for 2 hours and then that’s it. other times it becomes a rant, an attempt to convince, an attempt to deliberately make me feel awful and Oh Boy is she Good At That. And I can’t hang up on her because that pisses her off More and then she’ll write a horrible email to my brother where she tries to pull the same shit on him and I refuse to have him have to deal with that because for SOME FUCKIN REASON she only pulls this shit on the phone with me and NEVER DOES THIS TO HIM.

God. Why.

Anyway that’s just one thing that’s persistent and continuous. And I make myself sadder about it watching old home videos we found from 20 years ago. One of them I’d never seen was the literal day I was born and it.... it shook me so much I broke down watching it. It’s like watching good days, innocent days when all seemed well, knowing the future and how wretched and awful and deeply traumatising the years ahead are for that little kid who has no idea what’s awaiting them.

Cue lockdown and my dad and brother and I are looking after my granny. She had a stroke 2 years ago, hit her head on a cabinet and had constant UTIs for months and then had another stroke last year and as a result her mind is foggier than it used to be and her mobility isn’t what it was so she requires a lot of constant watch and care.

None of this is her fault, but I’m just not built for the long-run in a carer position. The first year put me into a meltdown, and I had another worse one last year and I was dreading if there would be one this year because I’d felt so on-edge and burnt out.

And then lockdown happened and the chances to get away for a bit of respite to recharge my batteries went out the window. Dad had no help to balance his work calls which sometimes went on all day, and granny. Other than me, but for reasons I have yet to finally have an answer for, my body has just been having problem after problem that leaves me drained and/or in pain and less able to do the physical help I was doing before. Doing the cooking and washing up to take it off dad, and getting up to keep an eye on granny or help her with personal care like I used to.

I’ve had this goddamn pain that doctors haven’t been able to find a diagnosis for since April now and it’s just become more and more limiting and I’m on a waiting list to get referred and god only knows when that will actually end up happening.

Doctors suggested it might have been stress that brought it on and the response to that is usually to reduce stressors but like. My life is the stressor so idk how to fix that. I can’t get away because guilt and stress over dad having to handle it all would follow me anywhere I went anyway even if i COULD go somewhere else for a break.

My uncles aren’t very helpful either. One makes excuses not to come and help and the other WILL go on a throwing out spree if he was to come in and I cannot trust him to not throw out important sentimental stuff without a second thought as to whether it was wanted because he’s done that before.

Plus that one has had his own health scares and even had a bit of a mental health crisis in the middle of the year which was probably brought on by the isolation and distancing stuff lockdown brought about.

One major contributor to the daily stress was the nagging worry that there was gonna be a Major Event this year that hadn’t happened yet. There’ve been major events that put granny is hospital without fail every year for the past... 4 but maybe even 5 years. It felt inevitable. But also terrifying because hospital felt like the worst place for her to go this year with all the virus stuff happening...

We had carers coming in to help with her but they weren’t really that... great. Wore their masks under their noses, didn’t self isolate when they got sick before they could get tests and lo and behold, despite the fact I hadn’t been out anywhere and the only contact I had beyond my own family were the carers, I got a cold which thankfully really was Just a Cold.

Not wanting to risk granny even getting a cold I stuck to my room and only came out to use the toilet or grab food/drink and all times I left my room I wore a mask and used sanitiser before I even left the room so I wouldn’t put anything on any surfaces. I was careful.

But either I wasn’t careful enough, or whoever gave ME the cold passed it to dad as well. Because then he got sick. And he didn’t have the option to distance himself from granny. Because I was still sick too and my brother Doesn’t do the personal care. So he wore a mask and tried to look after her while coughing and sneezing his guts out.

We thought we were gonna be ok. But then it happened. She got the cold anyway. We think it was a different carer who gave her it because this one was Really Hacking Up A Lung with her. Mask on still but, idk, the hands on care means you’re up real close and even a mask doesn’t stop everything. Plus this woman would pull her mask down to speak sometimes it was....?????

So granny got a cough and cold and we prayed it wasn’t covid and thankfully it doesn’t seem to have been. She’d had a cold in february so we thought ok if we just keep looking after her and help her fight it off we’ll be ok.

September 11th, one day before her birthday, at half 7 in the morning dad woke me up yelling for me to grab the phone so he could call an ambulance.

She was slumped against him in the top floor landing, face drooping, unresponsive and making deep loud groans that sounded honestly like a cow’s moo. It was an awful sound.

It then progressed to a weird rattly, wet breath. Like you’re trying to suck the last water out through a straw in a cup with just ice in it. Like a rattly snore but from the throat and not the nose.

Ambulance came and they said her blood pressure was high and still rising. She was absolutely unresponsive and cold and clammy to touch. The only response they could get was pinching her ear and she let out a loud pained groan.

They took her away and it was later just assumed to be a chest infection so she was put on antibiotics.

I think just. The accumulated stress of everything else just. Hit me like a train. It’s horrible to be relieved to get a break because someone’s gone into hospital because it felt like there was no other way you were going to get a break. But I felt so burnt out it happened anyway and I feel awful for it. my body was in so much pain and my head and everything was just exhausted from stress and exhaustion in general.

She wasn’t in very long though and I think before we knew it was a chest infection related collapse we’d all assumed it was a third stroke and thought she was going to be in for as long as she had the last few times to rehabilitate.

I honestly hate what ended up happening next.

The stress of it all just blew up and I had several days of frequent uncontrollable panic attack-type meltdowns.

I just. I lost complete control of myself. Slamming my head against the wall and floor and counters, scratching my arms, pulling my hair out and just.... screaming so loudly my throat was so so raw. This happened every day. I got into a negatively spiralling process of overthinking and overworrying and just melted down into a fit of stress

The third day of this, dad called the ambulance on me,which made me feel so so so much worse for wasting their time on something I wish I’d had enough mental control of myself to just. stop from happening....

they sat with me for nearly 2 hours and once I was able to even speak relatively coherently at all I just cried about everything from childhood trauma to everything else that’s all combined to fuck me up.

The lady called the mental health folks because she felt I definitely needed to see someone for some support and put me on with one of the women on the phone but that woman was so incredibly unhelpful and passive aggressive even the ambulance lady was shocked and apologised for that person’s behaviour but god it has just absolutely wrecked my faith in being able to get any help for all of this mess.....

I honestly feel.... terrified of myself.... Because I’ve had meltdowns before but I’ve never had one so bad I lost control of myself. Like I could have legitimately harmed myself in that mess. I even wanted to. It was the closest I’ve come in a long time of actually being like wow I could Actually Follow Through with Killing Myself and it terrified me because fuck at least that time years ago when I was planning on doing it I was more in control of the action and was able to stop....

Now I’m not even sure if I got in that state again I would be able to stop myself. And that’s terrifying....

To make things worse, that third day when the ambulance people were talking me down out of my whole mess, granny had been brought home and they ended up taking her back to the hospital because it was deemed not safe to let her in while I was upstairs screaming on the floor.

So :)))))) the police called. Because not allowing granny into her legal home was an issue and I was the cause :)))))))  Even tho I didn’t actually ban her with my words, I just wasn’t in a good mental state at the time and I tried so hard to calm down once i knew she was out there waiting but I was so stressed about what was going to happen I couldn’t get it together fast enough and then had to worry if I was going to be in huge trouble over it. So THAT’s wonderful.

Anyway. She came home the next day with a very very sore side and we weren’t sure if her ribs were sore from coughing or if she’d bashed herself in an unreported fall in hospital or what.

But the next day I was helping her take off the bra her carer that morning had put on her despite knowing her side pain and then she was sick and I was freaking out because granny and sick never go well so I was super worried...

Thankfully it wasn’t long lasting but the pain she had continued to be excruciating and a doctor came later on and said her liver area was very tender so she ought to go get it checked.

So we took her to hospital by car because we were told the ambulance wait would be longer.

But because the virus is increasing in the country again the restrictions are up. So while I had to come to help get granny in and out of the car, I wasn’t allowed to go with her and dad inside. And dad had the damn car keys and it was dark, late, cold as fuck and windy.

I was outside shivering my ass off with nowhere to wait for nearly 2 hours. They wouldn’t even let me in at first when I was about to piss myself.

After that first 2 hours dad briefly came out to tell me it was looking like it was gonna be a while longer so I just asked him for money for a taxi because at this point it was already after midnight.

I got like no sleep that night cos I was worrying about dad’s chronic sleep deprivation. He didn’t get home until 6am.

Anyways she’s been in and had scans but they can’t find anything and have just given her painkillers and mysteriously they say the side pain is gone. Whether thats just from painkillers or if it’s actually gone without discovering what caused it idk. But not knowing stresses me out like I’d have rather there was something to treat instead of it mysteriously being very painful and making her sick and then disappearing. Like what if it comes back?

hhhh anyway she’s supposed to come home tomorrow and again I still don’t feel like I’ve shaken off the burn out and my pain is still there too  so physically I’m still a mess and I feel so bad about my lack of productivity especially on commissions I still need to do...

I don’t even think I can take much more stuff happening this year like. I’m legit not sure I’m gonna make it to the end of the year rn folks...

#mental health and stress and all that shit #suicide mention... vomit mention... #honestly more of a vent than anything else im just straight up having a bad time #dont look i just need to... hhhhhh vent #nerua rants #personal crap...