#ignore the fact that I literally made these while listening to kpop

[inklingirl]

[Ignore the random doodles I made]

#inklingirl #sketches #poll #mlb #miraculous the tales of ladybug and chat noir #miraculous #nathaniel kurtzberg #marc anciel #nathaniel x marc #marc x nathaniel #marcnath #ignore the fact that I literally made these while listening to kpop #i only made the doodles bc i sent these sketches to my bestie first

[btsandvmin]

A personal dilemma

I feel like I have to explain properly why I have reacted the way I did and why the asks about me not doing videos for Vmin affected me so much. I am sorry for dwelling on this subject so much but it is something that is important to me and effect what I do and how I do it a lot.

This post is a bit confused and I might also come across both as a hypocrite and as "high and mighty". But I believe every person has a responsibility for what they do no matter how small the effect. And I need to get this off my chest. This is a conflict within me that I don't have an answer to yet.

For the last few days I've seriously considered if I should continue with writing analysis for Vmin or not. Because at the end of the day I know what I do have a sort of snowball effect that is out of my control. So asking me to not do videos in worry about Vminies getting delusional faster or me being seen as a analysis maker more similar to some ji/kookers or tar/kookers like tkk/lives made me wonder not only if putting out videos was something that bring more bad than good, but if making any analyses at all was something that brought more bad than good.

Even if I try hard to stay away from sounding delusional and to warn my readers of the problems with believing the things I point out and the narratives I share might still lead to more confidence in Vmin being superior or real. Even if it's not my intention I can't control what people do after reading or watching my material.

Thus if creating leads to more bad for both the Vmin community and perhaps in the long run even Vmin... How can I in good conscience keep doing it?

I always believed and hoped that my way of writing, and of being open and transparent with the problems with shipping analysis would rather at least to some extent halt the ones reading and understanding my stance from turning delusional or over confident etc. That I could be clear about the difference between facts, theories and narrative and make others aware too.

When I started this blog I was just shipping happily and reblogged others posts. Until the "you can't ship Vmin they are friends" issue bothered me enough to write about it so I wrote "The “bromance” issue". Then I kept making material to show why Vmin is just as good and easy to ship romantically as any other ship. Thus my 10 reasons to ship posts etc.

The first time I truly got into analysing territory was with my first song analysis. And even then it was just a feeling that the songs could match and speculation mostly for fun. Vmin kept doing things, and yet I saw a lot of people get angry or defensive just for shipping Vmin. For example as 4 o'clock came out and Vminies got attacked for "making it about Vmin". Already feeling like Vmin's songs kind of fit together, and how other shippers tried to make the songs about their own ships (including 4 o'clock) I started to look closer at various ship analyses and seeing the lack of Vmin analyses compared to other maknae ships made me feel like people just zoomed in on their own ship and ignored everyone else. I couldn't help but want to add my own Vmin interpretations. I wanted to add a Vmin perspective as a sort of counter weight. Especially since I felt the things I saw had more to them than similar theories from other ships. For example the songs, being soulmates, using army as a substitute for each other or my own version of Vlive analysis, which was that Vmin seemed to avoid it rather than them hiding in each other's room. Other ships had these theories, despite Vmin having at least some of these things confirmed. So in a way, the soulmate claim and 4 o'clock was my starting point to look at Vmin in a different way and a bit after that I started making analyses.

It felt weird to see all of these things go ignored when other ship communities made their followers believe in the relationships with a lot less than I felt Vmin had. I never got confident that Vmin was real and I still think the odds of any ship being real aren't that big. But I did feel like many people completely ignored Vmin both as soulmates and as a ship.

So, while asking my fellow Vminies to be careful with believing I kept looking at Vmin and added my biased theories to show it could very much be done with Vmin as well. I never wanted to make people delusional, but having been in many fandoms before I also knew that with size that is something that can't be avoided. I saw that as BTS kept growing and as big Vmin moments happened, that more and more people shipped them. It made me happy. But I also knew it would mean more and more would eventually start to question Vmin the way other ships got questioned. I really think it's something that happens eventually with enough of a following. There are so many ships in Kpop that people believe in and try to prove, it definitely wasn't exclusive to BTS. (You can even look outside Kpop at things like the Sherlock or Supernatural or even Hunger Games fandoms where many speculated that the actors weren't just close, they were romantically involved.)

I wanted to talk about Vmin, but I didn't want to be one of those that told people what to think and to believe me no matter what. I wanted peope to question without "knowing" what the truth was. I was hoping to bring something different than just the safe "this is just my thoughts and you can take it or leave it" disclaimers. I wanted to explain the problems and to remind ourselves (me included) that shipping is something that can easily turn into more if you don't actively remind yourself that we actually don't know the truth. We have narratives that seem to make sense, but so does other shippers... So for many of these belivers it is impossible to be right. Not everyone can be right about their "truth", if anyone, since they go against each other. If Vmin turn out to not be together I do not want to be the one responsible for people believing they were real, only to get hurt when they aren't.

This is something I've always felt, and as I kept writing analysis I always wondered if I really should. Especially since I saw some Vminies get inspired by me or even taking some of my theories and run with them as facts rather than the theories they were. I put things out there, moments and ideas. A narrative for Vmin. And I saw others adapt them and go further with them. I wasn't sure how to feel as I realized my blog perhaps contributed to Vminies feeling more suspicious and slowly more confident in Vmin being more real than other ships.

Even if it was my goal to make people look at Vmin, I guess with all the things Vmin did it all started to feel more "real" for me too. So many of my theories seemed to work and even get proven or added new material. The songs kept coming and Vmin kept being Vmin. But I also knew this exact thing happend with ji/kookers after G.C.F came out. New material that "confirmed" their beliefs and in turn allowed them to become more confident in being right. So I kept reminding myself not to get swept away, because in the end I don't think no matter how much we have gotten, that it has to prove anything besides how much Vmin mean to each other. Romantic or platonic truly doesn't matter.

Another thing that makes a difference to me is also the way I view the different ships if they would actually be real. For example watching ji/kook and ji/kook theories it seems pretty clear they don't mind people shipping them or seeing things between them. I've never seen Jimin be careful, but instead rather bold and almost pushy, with moments with JK. If Ji/kook is together their shippers too believe that they want people to know. With Vmin I saw it a bit differently... I've seen Jimin be careful with how he and Tae comes across since 2014. Why I don't know. But if we imagine there to actually be something between Vmin, then it doesn't seem like it's something Jimin wants us to know. Taehyung is a bit bolder, but either way the "narrative" I see for Vmin if they would be real is that they are careful with getting exposed. Thus there is also that factor to consider when writing theories about them. If Vmin would be real somehow, and they don't want to be "exposed" how is what I do the right thing?

I have had a post in my drafts for a while and I wanted to add it here in case you are interested. After all, this isn't something new that came after the video asks, but rather something I've always questioned. Which is why it really got to me when I got asked to stop doing something for the sake of the community, myself and Vmin.

This is something I wrote a while ago and I decided not to post at the time. I hope you will understand my feelings a little bit better after reading all of this.

I hope you understand where I am coming from and excuse me for generalizing and speaking about the Vmin (and other ships) community as if it's one big force and not many individuals.

***

Now, I have debated for a long time if I should talk about this at all and basically take a stance in a way I would prefer not to. I know I will lose followers over this, and that's ok. I can't force anyone to listen. But with the way I see the Vmin community grow I also see the confidence in Vmin being real grow. It's natural and happens with all ships eventually, but I still hope Vminies can look at shippers from other communities and realize the same kind of reasoning applies to us all.

I get more messages that sound borderline delusional now than ever.

I always suspected we would reach this point, because again, as things get more normalized and ok to talk about the bolder statements and theories will become. It literally happens with all ships, slowly at first and then gradually worse and worse until you reach truly delusional levels where Big Hit are playing up other relationships to hide the truth or trying to create a glass closet for another ship and where every choice and action has a possible agenda. I don't think Vminies will get worse than other ships that are much bigger and bolder. But I do think we have already changed a lot in the last year. Even looking at my own posts I seem to have at some point escalated from "Vmin seem to have these push and pull moments" to "Vmin's push and pull" if you see the difference. It might be small, but it definitely matters in how my views comes across.

When I write I do try to present facts and then speak carefully and not confidently about narratives or meanings. If we take my song analysis for example I think there is a substantial amount of things even when just looking at facts. But, saying what those facts might mean will in the end always remain a biased guess. Especially since other shippers have their similar theories as well that they believe in 100%. I mean, I could make a case for Tae and Hobi's songs being connected as well. I've seen analysis like this from all shippers at this point, and I can't dismiss them anymore than they can dismiss mine. (As long as they keep to facts.)

I am careful, and even then I see some of my theories being talked about as fact, or att least very close to facts.

From what I have seen I have moments between Vmin I have notcied and shared that haven’t been picked up on before I did it. I still have some things like this I haven’t shared at all, simply because I think fans would run with them and become more delusional simply by knowing about them.

Sadly, the way things are going I feel uncertain if I should share more of these things at all. I don’t want to have to go around and debunk Vmin moments or urge people to watch other ships, because in the end every person has the right to enjoy a ship in their own way. But I do think confidence is dangerous no matter how good moments we get.

Ji/kookers got a lot worse after GCF Tokyo and started to talk about how Big Hit might be working towards a glass closet. And that might sound ridiculous, but I have seen Vminies say the same with the way Vmin has been "shown" as Friends came out and other pretty good Vmin moments from the last year. The question of "Do you think something is up with Vmin?" or "Do you think they are planning something based on the amount of moments we get?" are questions I have gotten many times.

You might think I am being too careful, but because I have been in many fandoms in a period of over 15 years I literally see the same development happen for all different kinds of shipping communities. Real and fictional. Where the fans get more and more confident as the groups gets bigger. It’s a gradual change towards feelings certain and allowing more logical leaps to fill the gaps, but it will get faster and faster once it starts.

I don’t want Vminies to get more and more similar to how many ji/kookers and tae/kookers act and think. Where we find suspicion in everything and allow ourselves to feel confident. (Or worried whenever something goes against that belief.)

I might sound a hypocrite considering I do write analysis on Vmin, but I am sorry to say, the way things are going maybe I shouldn’t anymore.

Every ship in BTS have moments, and every ship in BTS even have believers who truly KNOWS their ship is real. I often used to get the question “do you know this or that about this other ship” and “if you only looked at and knew about xxx you wouldn’t ship Vmin” etc. And honestly, they have a point. Only I think it works both ways for all shippers. We all mostly look at our own ship and have our own narratives and reasons to think they make the most sense. But as soon as we allow narratives to sound like the only or most logical explenation we have lost a big part of our ability to question others and ourselves. That's why I wanted to add the Vmin narrative in the sea of ji/kook and tae/kook theories.

Recently I posted Can shipping turn into conspiracy theories? and part of the reason I did so was because I have seen an increased tendency in the Vmin community to walk this thin line between shipping and belief.

I feel very conflicted honestly. I want our community to try and stay away from being sure, no matter how compelling the arguments. Again, I have literal hundreds of pages about Vmin being weird or doing things I think make them the most likely to be real in some form when looking at BTS.

AND I AM STILL NOT GOING TO BE CONVINCED.

I have followed another group where members kiss when drunk and talk like they ship each other and even if a ship might seem real there is just too much we don't know. And a lot about other ships we decide to ignore or don't know. I have been accussed of being a ji/kooker because I won't say ji/kook being real is impossible. But how can l? How would me saying ji/kook can't be real be any different to the aggressive ji/kookers who has come to me to say "Vmin is cute but ji/kook is real".

Of course every person might have their own level of what might convince them, but we also know that literally millions of other people are convinced of completely different things with incredible certainty.

I don't want to be scared to put my theories out there so they can be taken as facts.

I have said it before, and I know shippers are drawn to confidence, but that's the exact reason to why I choose not to be confident even though it gets me more hate and less followers.

***

So this is what I wrote a while ago... And hearing people worry about what might happen if I start making videos just made these thoughts resurface. Especially since I didn't feel that video was very analytical, but it still likely would make people notice Vmin in a "what if they are real" way. Again, I use moments that exists, but I also add them in a different context, with a Vmin narrative. If what I write or make seems legit and makes sense then my tone of being careful might not matter. People will get exposed to moments and ideas I highlight and then take them further. That's why I hesitate.

I don't think I am big or influential enough to do much, but just doing 'a little' shouldn't excuse it if it in the end leads to something bad, more than it leads to something good. That's why adding YouTube as a platform doesn't make much of a difference in my mind if I still do what I do here. Sure YouTube is bigger and things get spread faster... But I write much more analytical and questionable things here than I did in that video, and even if it gets spread slower and to less people isn't what I do here in a sense then worse?

If me making videos makes some of you nervous (which I understand and relate to) then what will it lead to if I post basically a book on everything weird I've seen and thought in regards to Vmin?

I want to feel like I add more good to the community than I bring bad. I always thought I was doing the former as I tried to make my followers feel open minded rather than convinced. Now I don't know where I stand anymore and so I feel even more unsure of what to do.

Maybe I should have kept this all to myself and not vented out my worries to you. But I take this rather seriously and while I love what I do and love being part of the Vmin community I am feeling conflicted and I felt like sharing why might be good for me.

I know this was long and I applaude you if you managed to read through it all. I am truly so happy to have gotten so many nice and understanding and kind messages from you all. And many of you even saying you are happy you came across my blog and that I brought a new perspective, made you more open minded or even kept you from turning delusional. It makes me feel like I at least did some things right. I purple you all. 💜

#vmin #btsandvmin #personal #my post #shipping vs believing

[rein-ette]

Hi!

I was inspired by your asks, so I wanted to hear from you! What do you think of Canada as a country? I had a bit of a Canadian phase long ago and I tried to consume as much literature and history as I could, but reading about a place and living in it are very different experiences, so is there anything you'd like to share about Canada, about the culture or the people? Do you like living there? What are some of your favorites things? How do you survive the winters?

And also, as a character, what do you think of Matt?

(´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

Aaaaaaaaah okay okay *ahem*

If you’re not here for a Ted talk the exit is to your left, have a great day!

I do love Canada very much! I was born and pretty much grew up here, and as I’ve grown older I’ve become more and more grateful for everything that my country has provided for me! I remember my history teacher in high school said once that by being born into the middle class and as a Canadian, you’ve already won the lottery of life. That was not to disparage other countries, but to remind us of how remarkably privileged we are and how much we take for granted.

One of the first things you hear when you ask people what does it mean to Canadian is the word “multicultural.” I find this word realllyyyyyy cringeyyyy and not really reflective of reality, but I suppose it’s a good starting point for more in depth discussion. People often say Canada is a “cultural melting pot”, but the indigenous poet Marilyn Dumont pointed out in her poems that in some ways it’s more of a mosaic — there are many cultures, but they don’t always meld together. To say it’s a melting pot is ignoring the fact that racism and discrimination certainly have and do still exist here.

But I would argue that in some areas it is a “melting pot”, even if I kinda hate that word. I prefer to think of where I live as cultural delta — a place where many mighty tributaries meet as they thunder into the sea. (It is also literally a delta, funnily enough) Here, I grew up absorbing Canadian ideas, studying British history, reading American literature, learning French — but I also grew up listening to Kpop, watching Ghibli, eating rice. When I meet up with friends, we don’t grab a coffee, we grab milk tea. If you ask people here where they would like to visit or live, they will most likely say New York, London, Hong Kong, or Seoul — which tells you a bit about both how powerful and diverse the cultural influences here are.

Perhaps the thing most indicative of Canada’s “multiculturalism” and what I am most grateful for, however, is that I grew up here without fear. I didn’t even know the words “chink” or other words existed until I could access the internet. Recently, the beatings of Asian immigrants in the UK and US brought this home for me — how lucky I am to have such a privileged childhood. And I know this kind of privilege is hard won; in my research of WW2 I found that one of the amusement parks that I used to frequent as a child was built on land that once housed a Japanese internment camp. How fragile our lives are!

But enough about the serious stuff. I can’t really answer your question about how to survive winters in Canada lol, except to say that where I am in Canada it is absolutely necessary everyone own at least 3-4 umbrellas. That’s because this side of the Rockies in BC, the temperatures are pretty mild year round — the coldest it gets is usually 0, and the hottest around 25. But, by god, it rains. I did go to Ottawa in the winter though, where it was -13 one day, but honestly? Everything below 0 feels pretty much the same. Once it gets that cold, you can’t even tell anymore. I wore a skirt and tights that day, with a good, thick winter coat. And I survived :D

Besides not being heckled on the street for being Asian, my favourite things about Canada are probably the amazing diversity of good food and how tremendously beautiful the wilderness here is. And I say this as someone who loses her mind when a mosquito flies past (ie. I am not a nature person). You can kinda tell from these photos here, but the trees and water and whatnot here, are like, real. Maybe I just find that amazing because I lived in Tianjin, but it just feels like this is a city built among the trees and the sky and water that was always here, and not a city where humans have brought in nature for our amusement.

Okay, gotta move on to your other questions or I’ll go on forever. As a state I think Canada does a fairly good job of providing for its own people, but I wish we had a greater global influence. A lot of youth especially express the view that Canada is kinda...boring if your career doesn’t have to do with, like, sports, nature, or medicine, and I would tend to agree. We have great universities, but as someone who studies international relations I often wish Canada would like? Do more? On the global scale. The only thing we really have under our name is the UN peacekeeping, which PM Pearson started after the Suez Canal Crisis. I mean, I’ve heard that many people abroad identify Canada with peace and like ofc I’m not complaining about that, but I just wish our history was a little spicier, ya know? We did kick Americas ass that one time in 1812 and that was amazing. No regrets.

So that brings me to Matt. A lot of Canada’s existence has just been dominated by trying to carve a way between the US and the British while not being swallowed by either. Britain gave us the protection and strength and diversification of identity to not be annexed by the US, but at the same time it hobbled Canada’s relation with our only neighbour. One of the very first treaties Canada negotiated alone, if I’m recalling correctly, was a trade contract with the US over fishing (?) in BC and Alaska, where London was like no you can’t and Canada was like uh we gotta make money too, bro. So yes, while I do believe Mattie is just a very loyal person in general, he was also loyal to the empire because he needed to survive. A lot of Canadian identity was solidified around our prompt assistance of England and the sacrifices made in the two world wars, especially the campaigns in the Low Countries and Italy. Essentially, Canada has historically differentiated itself from the US through its loyalty.

Uuuuh just realized that has nothing to do with my opinion of Matt. Um. I like him? He’s real best friend/big brother material, and I do hc him as far more cunning and capable than canon portrays him to be. However, sometimes he’s just...too nice. He doesn’t have that edge that England has that makes me wanna slap him tf up and sob and call him my baby at the same time. Also, as oumaheroes mentioned here, that kind of selflessness can get pretty toxic. After all, by consistently not voicing or examining your own needs, you make it incredibly and unnecessarily frustrating for the people who care about you to help you, and that creates a relationship just as one sided as one where the person is extremely selfish. Actually, now that I think about it, my biggest gripe with Mattie as a character and Canada as a country is in that word: selfless. Without self. Perhaps because Canada is still so young, but it feels a little lost, a little like it doesn’t know quite know yet why it exists.

TLDR: If you’re under 18 or over 60, Canada is the place to be. If, however, you’re like me and wish you could touch a building that’s over 150 years old and maybe visit a square somebody’s been guillotined in, perhaps try someplace else. Personally Portugal’s golden visa is lookin especially tempting lately

#I’m not on my laptop and I don’t know how to add a cut on my phone #so I’m really sorry if this takes up ur dash #I will fix this as soon as I get home #it’s reining again #thanks for indulging me needcake #ask #also rip i was gonna give book recommendations but tbh does Canada even have literature #I mean we do we DO but #uh have you tried Margaret Atwood? lmfao #i mostly read American and European lit and I feel kinda bad about that #Canadian history is...kinda dry tho idk #maybe it’s cuz I learned it in school

[wri0thesley]

many many anons under the cut bc i didn’t want anyone to feel like i was ignoring them and i wanted to respond to u all! warning for small text too, it was so long i wanted to make it look smaller fgbnjkgkjn

Anonymous asked: NAT... you can write WHATEVER you want! It's your blog, and I hope that rude anons can learn to respect that. I used to be on your blog just for jjba content too, so when you started getting into jjk I was indifferent but eventually you dragged me into jjk so hard!! I already like bnha, so seeing you write for it only made me happier! I hope that you continue to write whatever make YOU happy:) ❤and yes, longer fics certainly doesnt mean it's better, quality over quantity

ahh i’m happy that you are here for all three!! i always feel so accomplished when someone is like ‘your constant screaming made me think about jjk <3′. all three of the fandoms are fairly popular and i tag everything v carefully so i hope people who do use the filtering find that useful!!! 

Anonymous asked: Goodness gracious. People really be out there thinking they're entitled to dictating what kind of content you should be making

i think part of it might be that i do take requests so people feel like they have like . . . a certain right to certain kinds of my content? i take requests mostly bc they keep me motivated, i like making content for ppl who cant find what they want bc i’ve Been There, but maybe people think i am a pushover? idk i am just trying to have a good time!!!

Anonymous asked: Hi. I only started following you a few days ago but please ignore that rude anon. People are so fucking entitled towards writers it's insane. I recently had someone throw a fit for "spoiling" something in my fanfic, even though the fic was about a manga-exclusive character, so what did they expect?? Overall I've really enjoyed your writing so random assholes coming to guilt you is just a shitty thing that happens. Keep going with what you wanna do.

ah gosh anon i’m sorry about that :(. i’m always super careful tagging spoilers and stuff but like, if someone clicks on a fic about say, naoya or the steel ball run boys and is mad that i spoil something they havent found out yet . . . yeah thats on them fgbnkjgfkjn

Anonymous asked: That...that anon had the nerve to say "we". The fuck?! No no no anon, YOU'RE the only one talking and you're just talking for yourself, don't you dare try and lump us other anons/followers up with you to make yourself look like you're right. We love you nat and we appreciate you. It's your blog, you're allowed to write about whoever and whatever. This brain dead anon just needs to either go read someone else if they're that salty or write their own stuff if they're that impatient.

gosh i WISH some of my mad anons would just write their own stuff honestly. idk if this anon thought they were talking for everybody but i guess they expected anons to agree with them and not be mad at them. i appreciate u anon ;_;

Anonymous asked: Just want to say that ily and you’re one of the best jojo fanfic writers in my opinion 💗 I don’t think you’re half assing jojo fics and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you being multi fandom. A lot of jojo blogs have started posting about jjk so it’s not as if you’re the only one. I’m not sure why you get hate like this but I think it’s just because you’re one of the popular writers and that makes people bitter for whatever reason. Keep being you and posting about the things that make you happy 💕

honestly after so long writing for jojo - i’ve written well over 200 jojo reader insert fics - sometimes it feels like i’m retreading stuff, and that’s when i take a break bc i dont wanna half-ass stuff!!! i love all of my fellow jojo friends who are posting about jjk too, i appreciate them <3. 

Anonymous asked: Hey my dude, ur writing has really grown since the jojo days and its better and awesome seeing u become happier to branch off and write in different fandoms 🤌🤌 those stupid anons are just boring farts that couldnt be bothered making their own content 😤😤 is it possible to block them to ease ur mind?

hello anon!! i run a statcounter for IPs but it doesnt always work for ppl who access through the tumblr app, i don’t think; a lot of the anon hate i get i just use the ‘block’ option, but last night got to me because i’ve been getting that kind of writer a lot which is . . . a bad look for the jojo fandom who are, as a whole from the ones i’ve interacted with, lovely!!! <3

Anonymous asked: People often forget, the person behind art or writing, is just another regular fan. You deserve to be happy with what you create and we should be thankful you share your talent with us. You also have right to change your main interests, and it's very normal thing. Jojo is one of the MANY things that you write for and all you get from that is a like or share. Its not your job. It's your fun thing to do, in spare time. You haven't betrayed anybody. That person was just rude, selfish and bored.

i am just a person doing my best!!! anime fanfic is one of many interests i have and i already devote a lot of time to it honestly, i love when people tell me they’ve enjoyed something i made bc it makes it feel worthwhile but equally it gets to me a lot when people are rude because i am usually trying my hardest. 

Anonymous asked: Bro that jjba anon... the entitlement🤮 Fam, you write whatever you want to write😤 -Saturday

dfnjbkjnkgf i find most fic readers are NOT entitled at all and are just grateful but when they are . . . oof. 

Anonymous asked: It's funny how people throw "we got you popular" and they think you start apologize and cry. Your writing and passion made you gain few numbers on a follow counter, nothing more. I think I'm too old for stuff like this, we are nothing more, but +1 on a number scale. You ow us nothing, we ow you nothing. Popular... Funny word. You just write for fun of it, fake scenarios about someone's manga characters. It's not that deep. Have fun and don't listen to people like this. I knew it's not that easy, but they are really not that important as they think they are.

extremely fun fact for people who think ‘popularity’ is important to me: i would 100% rather have 10 people who regularly comment, reblog my fics with tags and interact with me than 100 people who read my fic and either leave a like or simply move on. i think this is true for the VAST MAJORITY of writers tbh. i’m glad that people think i am a ‘popular’ blog (i am not in the grand scheme of things, one of my ex-best friends used to run a kpop reader insert blog with like 30,000 followers) bc it gives me an ego boost lmao, but i really just want people to read and enjoy the stuff i write!!! 

Anonymous asked: I followed you a while ago for jojo and when my friends started getting into jjk i was like...eh sounds like work...but now that I see you writing for it I feel really motivated to get into it!!! I really enjoy your writing and I want to be able to read the new stuff too!

ah anon i really hope you like it!!! it’s only one season rn if u wanna watch the anime and there isn’t too much of the manga to catch up on either but it is a lot of fun and it’s nice to be in a fandom that’s like, excited about a new chapter and new plot developments every week!

Anonymous asked: Pls dont reply if u dont want to! <3 I'm not sure if this will be of any help to you or not but this is the kind of thing that often helps me and is the only way I know to try comfort others so I wanted to give it a go~

Now im not gonna say 'dont feel bad pls' bc I know that's not really useful but what I do think is useful is just discussing why that anon and many others feel the need to respond that way. As someone who follows a lot of writing blogs myself and have done for a long time, i've seen my handful of favourite writers come and go for different reasons, lose motivation for a while, gain motivation for a while, go from multi to single fandom, or single fandom to multi. Often times as a reader it can be upsetting when things change but it's also important as a reader to understand that some things aren't in anyone's control, I can't control what my favourite writers become a fan of or lose interest of, I can't control things in their personal lives that may motivate or demotivate them to write, but what I can do is support them as long as they're active, and if they move on to do things i'm no longer interested in or i'm the one that changed interests, rather than being upset that they're evolving to do other things or that they're not evolving with me, I think it's important that I still feel thankful for the works that I enjoyed while we were still on the same page and this is how I personally deal with those negative feelings. I think the anons that lash out at you probably just dont know what to do with themselves, maybe they got attached to your works while you were still only a jjba blog and now that you're evolving they're upset, while I understand how they feel, they're going the completely wrong way about it. I've learned to take these things and turn them into something positive for myself or at least something bittersweet that I can move on from but the anons that lash out at you for whatever reason probably haven't learned this yet. Maybe it's because i've moved on and changed interests a lot myself that I know how these things go for both writers and readers but those anons maybe haven't experienced this as much so they dont know what to do with themselves other than complain that you've changed and throw insults at you in an attempt to get you to revert back. None of this is because of the quality of your writing like they want you to believe, it's literally just because you've evolved and while some of your old followers might not like the new content for no reason other than it not being their cup of tea, it's definitely not regressed at all. You are pumping out a lot of content right now but every single thing i've read has just been better than the last. Things that really stand out to me is how well you get characterisation down to a T and all of your dialogue is just on point and from the pov of a reader I think those things seem the hardest to get right so I am such a huge fan of your stuff at the moment and I can tell you're really putting so much thought and care into each and every fic no matter how fast you're producing it, I think the fact that you're also proud of what you're writing at the moment really shines through as well and I just adore the passion that radiates from every completed request as well as in the responses for the subsequent thirsts resulting from these works that appear in your ask box later (I know i've sent quite a few by now~)

Just to be clear i'm not defending those anons in any way, while I can understand what they might be feeling/why they're reacting in the way they are I still believe it's just so immature to be hateful online point blank. Even during a time where I still got upset with writers if they started doing something else I still never targeted that negativity directly to the writer and sending rude or hateful comments whether on anon or not never something i'd stooped low enough to do even when I still had an immature way of thinking, however, I hope that it might make it a little easier to brush them off if we try and understand what they're really upset about, and that they're just putting the blame for their negative feelings onto the wrong thing rather than coming to terms with change themselves.

hello anon!! i appreciate the long message. i do feel bad for people who have no interest in what i’m currently producing and i get that they feel upset about it; i’ve watched a lot of fellow jojo writers move on completely or just stop posting, honestly. this kind of thing is why i was so intense about asking people if it would be better if i made a separate blog but the resounding answer seemed to be ‘i’m just vibing with whatever happens and i’ll block tags as needed’. 

i often return to works by my favourite reader-insert writers who no longer write for the fandoms i like (and i read stuff bc it sounds interesting or i trust the person who writes it), but change can be difficult and i guess at this point i’ve - whether u like me or not lmao - been a fixture in jojo reader-insert tumblr for a While so it’s probably kind of jarring. 

anyway i really appreciate you and the nice words! <3 

Anonymous asked: hi nat! I just wanted to pop in and say that regardless of what fandom you write for, the love and care you pour into your writing and into interacting with followers who care about your work as well is really obvious. you're doing this for FREE and people should appreciate what you've given us so far, since ultimately this blog should be for you, whatever that means to you at any point in time. it's ok to jump fandoms! the important thing is that you feel good about what you're producing and that it makes you happy. everyone else is just a bonus - but, seeing you on my dash certainly makes me happy : ) I hope you feel better soon!

thank you anon! i’m feeling much better and happier today. birthdays are very difficult for me (i did not think i’d be alive at eighteen, much less 25!) so this event is definitely kind of a way for me to concentrate on something else, and i’m a little bit extra sensitive atm. i appreciate you so much, thank you for the kind words!!! <3

Anonymous asked: Hello! I just wanted to say, write what YOU want and make YOUR writings as long as you'd like. 💖 To the anon who is like "We mAdE yOu FaMoUs dOnt HalF asS iT" stfu, let people do what they wanna do. If you think they half do it, write something better and longer you asshat.

this is an open invitiation to that anon to send me a link to their writing blog and i’ll hype them up i promise <3 

Anonymous asked: nat i'm so so sorry about that ask please know that your older followers don't share the same opinion :( sometimes people forget about the living, breathing person behind the screen smh. you are not a machine. you absolutely should not restrict yourself to posting about one fandom forever. yes, we're first pulled in by your amazing content, but we stay for your wonderful personality and work ethic. please just keep being you, taking up projects you feel comfy with! <333 bless u

ahh thank u anon! unfortunately i actually am a writing robot, i’m sorry u had to find out this way. my jojo chip has been removed, please send it back so i can continue to not half-ass my jojo work. fgnjkbgjkfn thank you so much angel!!! i appreciate you ;_;.

Anonymous asked: i don’t think it’s fair for other people to say shit about what you choose to write about because on tumblr and other writing platforms, writers are constantly developing how they write and the fandoms that they write for. it’s not fair for someone to criticize that “you don’t care about jjba blah blah blah” because you can enjoy new shows/manga. and like you said you’ve grown so much!! proud of you nat and im glad that ive been able to read your works (sincerely other nat)

i am STILL waiting for you to come and fight me other nat fgnjkbnf. it’s nice to be enjoying different things! i am constantly learning new things and reading new works and making new friends and improving and i think that’s important. i do care about jjba - a lot! but i can care about other things too! <3 

Anonymous asked: I may not be one of your oldest followers, but i've been here for almost 3 years. Yes, i started following u for ur jojo content, but let me tell u, ur newfound motivation and enthusiam for other fandoms was honestly contagiuos for me. And i say this as a person who finds very difficult to move from one interest to another. Jojo is great, but so are other fandoms. Please don't let some faceless scum rob u that motivation. This is ur blog and u r always free to write whatever u want.

honestly, i have been there! i am autistic and i have special interests and watching other people move on to stuff i’m not vibing with has made me sad in the past, but i want people to be happy more than anything and sometimes that means new things and change! <3 

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I saw that rude anon message & I just wanted to pop in & say that they're wrong. You're not betraying anyone & you should write whatever it is you want to write. I followed you for jojo & I'm not familiar with the other fandoms that you write for, but personally it makes me SO happy to see you enjoying new things! It's always good to find joy wherever you can, so keep writing what you're interested in. There a lot of ppl who want to see you happy and healthy <3

honestly the idea of it being a GRAND BETRAYAL is so funny, i am just writing anime fanfic here and thriving!!! tysm anon! <3

Anonymous asked: Those anons can piss off! They have no right to judge how long or how short your writing is. If they want longer content write it their damn selves. I think your writing has improved wonderfully and I originally followed for Jojo and I'm enjoying all the content period. I don't even watch jujutsu ( not my cup of tea personally) but I love seeing the creativity and the interactions. You write what makes you happy Nat and that's on that! You don't owe anybody anything! I know how hard writing is and when your consuming new content it's hard to make content for something else. That doesn't mean you don't like it any more your just doing something different for a while. Love you and your content and I'm enjoying the love your putting into your content whether long or short. ♥♥💕 Sending love your way!

honestly my idea of ‘short content’ is still over 1k words, i’m not good at reeling myself in! i guess it’s bc they see like, 1.5k jojo fic versus 5k jjk fic but it’s not that i didn’t enjoy the first fic, just that the point and the story came a lot quicker and so did the natural end! thank you anon, i appreciate you ;_; 

Anonymous asked: Hello! Just wanted to let your know that I think your writing is awesome, and that you should write for whoever and for whatever you want to! You dont have to stay loyal to one fandom or anything, and your followers shouldn't expect that from you! It's not like they are paying you to write, you are doing this for free, and because you enjoy it and it makes you happy! If they dont like your stuff, they dont have to follow you, they can go to other blogs that cater to their taste, and they definitely don't need to be sending you such hurtful comments, and they dont get to make you feel sad about your writing! Just because they followed you during your earlier stages of writing, doesn't mean you owe them some type of loyalty or compensation! You can write literally whatever you want as long as it makes you happy! That's what your hobby and your blog are for! I hope you know that alot of your followers love your work and think that you are an amazing writer and are down to support the work that makes you happiest! 💖💖

ahh thank you so much anon!!! i am always so bowled over by how many people are nice to me when something like this happens, i am sending you my love <3

Anonymous asked: don’t listen to them!! we love you as a writer no matter what you write, because you’re a good person and a talented writer!! you shouldn’t have to change what you write to please a bitter person, and if they only want jjba, they can go to another blog instead of bringing you down. you’re doing amazing and they should be thankful you grace us with your talents!!

to be totally honest, if i was half-assing or not vibing with content i was making i just. wouldn’t post it. like you’d be able to TELL when i was half-assing stuff just to get words out (source: i have re-read my own nanowrimo works). there are lots of great jjba blogs who could do with more followers n interaction!!! i hope they do find them and i hope they’re nice to them :(. 

Anonymous asked: Please don’t pay attention to that anon. People only have that confidence when they have anon turned on. Them looking through your blog despite feeling that way is peak fan behavior and speaks to how addicting your writing is. Naturally, you can’t please everyone and there will be people who are irrational and feel entitled to tell you what to do or what to write no matter what. Trust me when I say they’re a small minority and are more likely probably passing viewers rather than regulars. I check your blog about three or more times a day because I love reading not just your fics but also your takes, banter with other anons, or even random updates. Brainrot posts? LOVE TO SEE IT!!! Desk update? AMAZING!!! With that being said, don’t feel pressured to continue pushing out content for others. Write what makes you happy! You’ve been writing for JJBA for 4 years and it’s completely normal + healthy to get into new media. I’m not sure if it would mean much, but your love for JJK has gotten me excited to start it too!!

anon i really hope you enjoy it!!! sometimes these anons remember stuff i’ve posted and said better than i do tbh, i am living in their heads rent free i guess! 

Anonymous asked: I've been following you for a couple of years and honestly it would always be a joy to see when you posted. Your writing has improved and I'm very happy you're enjoying yourself ! I know it hurts hearing and seeing stuff like that but I'm happy you're here. I'm honestly blessed everytime you post. Your writing is phenomenal. I love reading it even if its characters that I dont care for. You capture their essences so well and weave an amazing tale within the prompts and whatnot. You're amazing nat!

wehh thank you so much!!! re: the improvement, i really don’t feel like it has and then i re-read something i wrote when i first started and i’m like oh my god maybe it has. did i really write about jotaro acting like that. 

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat. I recently became a follower of yours and I'm really saddened to see you get hate. You seem like a genuinely sweet person with amazing talent! I'm a writer myself and, unfortunately, get the same kind of comments. And when you get those comments, it doesn't leave you feeling motivated. People need to understand that people can and will, at times, grow out of fandoms. (1 Not just that but you're doing all of this for free. Again, I'm sorry you got such a comment. But please know that I'm proud of how far you've come. I'm proud that you're living a life that makes you happy. And no matter what fandom you may find yourself in next, I will always enjoy your writing. Take care of yourself. (2 end

HELLO NEW FOLLOWER I LOVE YOU (i get a lot more a day now than i used to and i feel guilty about not being able to look through so many blogs but i do try and follow back other writers for my fandoms!! ;_;). i’m sorry you get the same kind of comments! i’m always just happy to see people i like enjoying new things, even if i have no interest in it (hello to all of my mutuals who write for hunter x hunter and haikyuu, not interested but i’m sure you’re having a great time and i support you!!!). 

Anonymous asked: I'm sure you're getting a barrage of supportive messages now (at least I hope so) but I figured I'd add my voice, because I'm a longtime follower. Your writing is, and always has been, wonderful. I've been so happy to see you and Haz get to a place that works for you both. Idk if it's obvious for everyone, but you seem like you're emotionally in a pretty good place most of the time these days, and it makes me really happy to see that. I followed years ago for JJBA content, but I stayed because regardless of what content you put out, I find your wit delightful. And I'll stick around even if you move fandoms entirely, because whatever content or editorializing you produce is going to be worth reading, regardless of what it's for.

ahh, anon!! thank you for sticking around so long, sorry if you’re old enough to have been around the vore and jorts and spider rohan fiascos! <3 i am definitely a lot more stable than i have been and - barring the Pandemic Related Mental Health Issues - happier! i’m glad that it’s noticeable! <3

Anonymous asked: It actually makes me mad how entitled some people are. Nat, you're not a content creating machine and those who expect you to be are not worth wasting a thought on. Your love for something is not measured in word counts and for you to write every day without getting burned out in the slightest you really must have a burning passion and huge dedication to your craft. If others decide to send hate then allow me to send admiration because I can feel your love and hard work in each post you make!

i try and write every day bc it’s super good for my little ocd/autistic brain to have routines and distract itself, so i’m glad other people can enjoy them because that makes me motivated to carry on! like, i write for myself mostly bc the content i want i sometimes get find, but filling requests and writing for other people also leaves me with happy warm fuzzies too! i appreciate you!! <3 

Anonymous asked: If people only care about your writing for the jojo porn that’s on THEM, not you. Your writing was amazing when I followed about a year ago, and it’s only gotten better and will continue to get better! I think it really comes through when you enjoy what you’re writing and it adds a whole other layer of worth to it, because not only are you making free content but you LIKE that content and we can all gush about it together!!! More than just fans, I think you’ve created a community here and we don’t just stick around to read smut, I promise you that. -Reronon

i do miss having a discord community bc it was nice to talk to everyone in real time but it was hard work, i am glad that people feel like they can just come into my askbox and gush! i’m not very friendly in real life and people tend to think i am cold and stuck up so i work very hard to try and seem friendly and approachable online, which is much easier for me because i get to think and re-draft before i type! <3 

Anonymous asked: Hi Nat! I’m sure you’re getting a lot of messages like this right now but I just wanted to say for what it’s worth that, as a person who originally followed you for jjba content and hasn’t watched/read any of the other series you’re currently writing for, I’m honestly still along for the ride. This is your blog and you’re allowed to do what you want with it and put out what content you feel like writing. Sometimes??? People acquire new interests??????? Shocking! I know absolutely nothing about jjk or bnha but out of curiosity still read some of your posts about them and even though I might not Get It, I still enjoy them because I think you’re a very talented writer! Honestly, as long as you’re still writing, I���m still down to clown, and whenever you take breaks (which are important!) I’ll still be waiting for your return or supporting and respecting your decision to stay away longer. Don’t let the entitled assholes get you down. Utilize YOUR blog and YOUR space however YOU choose. Your talent and kindness speak for themselves. Love you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

anon i care about you and i am so appreciative of you and everyone for sending me such nice messages! i am running out of ways to say it but it’s true, it really does mean a lot to me ;_; <3

#nat.txt

[lesbiancarat]

PREACH IT!! SAY IT LOUDER FOR TH3 PEOPLE IN THE BACK!! *stands up and claps*

Just your comment, please I want to tattoo that entire response on my forehead so people could understand some stuff fjshdhsh. I very much agree with everything you have said, like I do think the bighit deal was more so with the help of say with western connections (which again does NOT mean pledis could have done this without bighit. They clearly could but I saw a theory on a YouTube comment where someone said they focused on the core fanbase aka in Korea which is their main market and it paid off imo) from helping with buisness side of things like we do have merch to buy directly (which I have my opinion on some merch ideas like why the fudge is bighit selling us water!? Bro you thought that worked with bts doesn't mean it will with seventeen) which wasn't common in the past or being able to film concerts with ease during the pandemic. Bighit clearly acknowledges that seventeen is a monster group in their own right I mean as you said, they break records and are 2nd behind bighits own group. They are EXTEMELY big in Japan. They are their own song makers, bang pd confirmed this when pleids was first announced in a press video so the fact people brush all of their achievements and statements because why, their streaming numbers are low?

And oohh such an interesting point as well! Very much i think the current mindset of kpop fans (or at least some) is that streaming is what equals success which to some degree, yes but as you said, many ignore the casual side of listening. People that find the song due to it being viral for whatever reason, a fancam getting popular like in the cass of hani from exid or whatever reason. Dwc is a great example and I saw those comments under their recent performance of that song and it makes me proud that the boys have a song like that. That it has its own "fanbase" quote on quote with how well loved that song simply is and well known. You don't have to have fans doing crazy streaming to be considered "popular", I mean I could give more examples but I don't wanna make this too long nor cause unwanted fandrama lol. Those casual listeners are extremely important and powerful I mean brave girls is a great recent example of that I think! It very much does seem like that when looking at the views, its mainly the core fanbase which isn't bad nor should we feel bad for not having crazy numbers. They seem more organic if that makes sense? Plus I agree, we can stream and can explain how it works, clearing up confusion about it like no emojis don't take down views and yes youtube does take away views but that is due to it making sure it isn't bots only viewing the video. Explaining that streaming should be done with a chill mindset and its ok if you don't stream. But hey, maybe we're too weird of fans to think like this fjajdjajs.

But some few updates! Seventeen is back on Instagram, fully everyone is posting away. Makes me happy hehe m, a bit funny it took so long for them to comeback but am happy nonetheless. The interactions that seungkwan does makes me super soft. Seventeen are also back with doing proper promotions so yay (also pledis is S Wording people over the mingyu issue finally so bless). As for me on the personal side of things. I have OFFICIALLY finished that video game ^_^ it took me a while but I have finished it, my last goodbye was completed and am at ease so to speak? Lowkey am planning on beating all the trophies in the game cx also may I ask about your thoughts on the album? Favorite songs, have you bought the physical cd?

ok finally getting around to this lol!!

and yeah that's absolutely true, pledis focused on kr promotions/fanbase first and foremost (and then expanded to Japan and is now looking toward the US/western promos in general). which i agree was a good thing. i think some companies get too greedy with wanting a group to be ~internationally famous~ that they ignore their Korean fanbase a bit too much and I've seen groups that have failed bc of it, so I'm glad that didn't happen w SVT

and yeah in terms of merch I'm genuinely grateful as an american that for this cb at least there was a US distributor which made things super convenient but wtf is going on w hybes merch those water bottles are not it TT it just sucks to see bc it's clear that at least as far as merch goes hybe doesn't have an interest in like. doing market research to figure out what carats want. which is funny bc they don't even have to start from scratch they could literally just ask pledis?? and tbh what's sad is i don't think hybe is like. purposefully trying to sabotage SVTs merch from my limited perspective i get the feeling they treat all their groups merch like that :( but since us carats have seen in the past what kind of merch we're capable of getting it's disappointing to see such a downgrade. and like tbf pledis's merch decisions were never perfect like that time they tried to sell replicas of the SVT rings and carats were rightfully pissed bc those are something the members earned, not something to be bought. and i also don't think hybe never has or never will make good merch, I'm sure they're fully capable of it. but it just seems obvious that they've put WAY less if any effort into understanding both the market (ie carats) and seventeens brand compared to pledis so like of course most carats aren't gonna like it :/ i really hope they step up their game and do better research or bring ppl onto the team who better understand svt's brand

and yeah i very much agree with everything u said about streaming! tbh i think this mindset isn't as uncommon as you might think, I've actually met a fair number of kpop fans who are critical of streaming culture but as u know there also are a lot of ppl who are really into it and those ppl tend to have the loudest voices. and unfortunately part of streaming culture is that if you question the methods or don't participate you must be a bad fan or secretly an anti or something ridiculous like that. so ppl who aren't into streaming culture end up learning to not be too vocal about it bc of how bad the backlash can be

yes! I'm glad to see insta line (+ now dk!!) active again. i still wonder why pledis made them stop using their ind instas, like I know all the theories people have as to why but honestly none that I've seen seem to fully make sense. it will probably be one of those things where we'll just never know the full story. but i digress!! regardless of the reason I'm just glad to have them back after all this time ^^

congrats on finishing the game! I'm glad it was able to help you work through your grief a bit and that you feel more at ease now ;-; and good luck with the rest of the trophies if you end up trying to get them!

as always I'm answering this a bit late so you may have seen already but i did get the physical album! it was a birthday gift so i only got it the other day, but according to my mom it arrived almost immediately after the album was released so as i said before, I'm very grateful for the US shop this time around ;-; as for the songs usually it's easy for me to pick one or two favorites but this time around it's genuinely a 4-way tie between heavens cloud and all the unit songs TT (i also love anyone and RTL, they're just slightly lower on the list in terms of preference if u get what i mean). i really hope some time in the future we get some kind of performance or special video or something for heavens cloud, since so many carats and the members themselves seem to really love it. i also think it's a song that brings up such beautiful imagery that it would be a shame if it never got any type of visual representation, you know? I'm also really curious to see a performance of wave, since iirc the members said the choreo is a lot more laid back/different from other perf unit choreos?? + that song also evokes such great imagery for me that like... makes feel like it needs some kind of movement so I'm just itching to see a performance. kind of like... even if i didn't know it was a perf unit song i would think it would be great to choreograph to if that makes any sense dhfkf. but yeah overall i think it's just a really solid album, as expected from summerteen ^^

#melia.ask #📖 anon #long post

[topconfessions]

I assume the Enhypen ask is a little older, but the black stan who killed herself was apparently made up. Some sick non-black fan made it up to add fuel to the fire. There's also a small possibility that it was in fact true and non-black stans are trying to cover the whole thing as fake, I wouldn't put it past them. But kpop is not a safe space for black fans. I strongly agree with you, that black fans should only be casual listeners. The colorist, ignorant af and racist idols, as well as their rabid ass racist stans are not worth the soul torture. I get that it's truly sad that black people also can't just be a fan like everyone else, but at the end of the day the joke is always on us. But on the other hand, every label wants to hit it big in the west, especially SM, so they should definitely be more aware on other cultures and be more educated, but I highly doubt anything will change because they want the white coin, while profiting off of black culture. There are just going to be more fans who excuse their racism, so it's truly not worth it to invest your money and time on people, who don't even view you as an equal.

yes exactly. plus tbh please forgive me for what I am about to say but it's fucking asia. Maybe I am not emotionally invested or hurt by this cause my skin is white and I'm kinda biracial? (please don't ask, long story, very khloe kardashian type of situation*) cause of that I'll never know what it's like or understand to the fullest extent despite being raised, growing up in and living a totally african american lifestyle like a black person...

I just idk....I wouldn't ever listen to kpop and try to isnert myself / blackness into it to fix, correct or expect something from them cause it's Asia. They owe us nothing. It's like, would you allow a korean person to roll up into the cookout and try to dictate recipes, family dances, traditional type of things or complain cause you guys aren't making things that accomdate them? you get it? Maybe I'm a bigot and very traiditonal but I believe there is a place for everything and everyone. Every country needs to be educated and open minded to an extent, but it's KOREA. You gotta take the good with the bad cause I know for a fact a literal fact a lot of black people don't give a flying fuck about asians in general and could care less when the attacks were happening to them during covid.

the ones who care are mostly black kpop fans / black people who are fans of asian culture.

Sadly kpop won't get it right anytime soon and the ones who do know their stuff are like jay park and look foolish. It's a mess honey. It's messy.

[sixteenyearoldrants]

entry number one - to my old friend group, i am not stupid.

disclaimer: this is basically a diary. when i was 8 i took a dork diaries quiz and it told me to write a blog as a form of venting, which is exactly what i’m doing right now. you should definitely not read this fellow tumblr users it’s boring and a waste of your time i’m basically just talking to myself. if you read this and think you know me irl, no you don’t. i’m using initials to replace names btw.

introduction to my rant

my school is tiny. it only has like 250 people in the ENTIRE school, and my year (the biggest year) has 53 people. over half of them are guys, so that leaves my options for school friends pretty limited. if you’re wondering why i don’t include guys as possible friend group joiners, there is absolutely no reason why, except the fact that there’s an unspoken rule that there are no mixed gender friend groups. at all. they just don’t exist in my year. they exist in the other schools in my town, the ones with over 900 people, but definitely not in mine. as of right now, there are seven friend groups in my year. all groups except group one are all girls

group one is all of the guys. they all have their own little micro groups, but usually all of them hang out in one huge group together. group two and three are kinda exclusive? like they’ve stayed the exact same people since day one, and they’re all actually really nice but i’ve never talked to any of them about anything that isn’t homework answers, so that’s a no. group four is the closest thing we have to popular people, except there’s not enough people in the school for us to have actual intimidating popular people and they’re too nice to be mean-popular. before one of these girls joined, she was a kpop stan and my best friend. she’s still nice but i miss how close we were before we drifted.group five consists of four girls (two of whom are sisters whos parents are first cousins!!!!) and are undeniably the ‘weird kids’. i’m gonna make a separate post later on why they’re considered this but it’s most definitely accurate name for them.

group six is my old friend group that i recently left because they were extreme bitches and sosososo toxic. they genuinely act like they’re better than everyone and judging from the shitty two years i spent with them, they actually think they are. the only person i actually like is LB, she’s the sweetest person ever, i love her to bits. she left the group with me for reasons i will later reveal.

and finally, group seven. this is the biggest group, with seven or eight people. i’ve always been good enough friends with the people in it, so when my old friend group got to be too much, they let me and LB hang out with them, and i’m so happy i was able to fall back on them. i’m a lot happier in this group.

the actual rant  - why my old group was so toxic

okay, so i come across as a very ditzy person. i laugh at the stupidest things. i zone out when people talk sometimes. i like to run everywhere, sometimes i skip. i always have to ask what’s going on because i wasn’t listening. i genuinely cannot stay serious. it’s just how i am. like i guess i am kind of a ditz? but i’m not stupid at all. not at alllll. as a matter of fact, i’ve always been really smart (except in algebra because wtf how am i meant to equalize algebraic fractions using coordinates???) but anyways i’m very clever. i can tell in two seconds flat if someone’s trying to bullshit me, i can win any argument purely through logic, i can persuade people by figuring out exactly what i know they want to hear without giving them false hope. right now, i’m doing the highest possible level in every class through my second language, in a school where everyone else grew up surrounded by it and i could barely say a sentence when i joined, and have never ever made a grade lower than a C+. 

i am not stupid.

but for some reason, because i’m a bit ditzy, this friend group took that as an excuse to treat me like i am stupid, and i hated it. it wasn’t so bad for the first year. it was normal. i may have been the most common butt of their jokes, but it was fine. there was no actual bad intent behind it, they were just normal inside jokes and stuff. but then, in second year, it actually started to sting.

i would say anything and automatically recieve a dirty look, for example, once i told them about my brother’s sleepwalking, because tbh if your brother unlocks the door and walks out of your house in the middle of the night to stand outside the neighbors door in his pyjamas and socks because he’s “borrowing the hoover”, ALL while asleep (he sleeps with his eyes open too which makes it even creepier bc he doesn’t blink he just stares with weird ass zombie eyes), you’re probably gonna think, ‘hey! that’s a funny story! i should tell my friends about that!’, right?

so i went into school that morning and told them about it really excitedly, and all i got back was one “... okay.”, and all of them giving me a weird look and giving each other knowing looks and then starting up a conversation about the posters on the wall in the room we were in, like i had never said anything at all. (LB wasn’t there. it was just the three bitches)

i know i’m just being dramatic. i know i’m too sensitive, but i had been so excited to tell them about that, and then they couldn’t be bothered to respond with anything other than a look. and it fucking hurt so much and i don’t know why but that memory just always stuck with me. after that i just kinda faded into the background for the rest of the conversation and didn’t say much.

but then i realized that a pattern was emerging. if i tried to start a conversation, i would get the “... okay?” and the looks would be given and exchanged. if i asked a question, i.e “wait, so *name* did/said what?”, they would exchange looks, giggle, and then say *insert my name* in a super exasperated tone and sigh, then continue without answering. they treated me like i was some sort of dumb dog, and i couldn’t stand it. constantly making snide jokes about me. i took the hint after about a month. they didn’t like me. i couldn’t make them like me. i just accepted it. but as you know, at that time i didn’t really have many other friend group options, and another girl had once left our group and they had talked so much shit about her when she left, and i knew they would do the same if i left. so i stayed.

eventually, in the last month of school, they started being bitchy to LB too. they would basically ignore her on the bus home, give her dry responses, just being typical bitches. it got to a point where we would be walking around at lunch, and the three of them would literally have their backs turned to us while talking under their breath so we weren’t included in whatever they were talking about.

i didn’t mind, i was used to it, but it was starting to get to LB. she cracked when i stopped to tie my lace while she waited for me, and the other three full on speedwalked away from us, no shame. she asked if i had been feeling left out recently, because she definitely had, and i was like “omg finally i’ve been wanting to rant to you about this forever” and i explained to her that they had never really liked me and treated me like shit and we decided to leave.

so we did. and now we’re with group seven, those ex-friends seem to have no problem with either of us. in fact, they treat us like nothing ever happened and treat me the way they did when they liked me.

so that’s something i guess. i’m not going back though. ever.

if you read all the way down to this i love you have a cookie.

❤ THE END❤

#long long post #long post #rant #school #friends #toxic #toxic friends #friend group #fake #school rant #friends rant

[a9saga]

when my maternal grandfather died six months ago i made a long rambling about how everything in my life since ninth grade just went full circle and i meant it. i ended up being okay, and i knew i would, but that was all very intensely crashing over me at once.

my grandmother died this morning. other side, my dad’s mother. it was okay, she was safe, she was being taken care of and she was with her children and her husband. i’d only heard she went into hospice yesterday, she couldn’t have been in there for more than a day.

if you know me well enough that i’ve ever talked to you about my family, you might remember i really love my sweet and beautiful little irish grandmother. i do. or even if you follow my blog, she’s made several mentions in my own posts over the years. she’s my biggest role model. i could go on for days. simply put, every trait of mine that i most like about myself is something i’ve had in common with her. and she loved me for the same things i loved in her, i think.

that last sentence is the only reflection i’ve realized upon finally losing her. i only realized that one when my dad pointed it out last night. i was mumbling on my whole spiel about how much i love my grandmother i knew i would be losing within the next day, you know the one i largely skipped in this post because i would have gone on for too long. my dad said that i also brought her so much joy, that she also thought that i was sweet, and beautiful, and it lit her up to see me, etc etc etc.

i’d not thought of that as much. the last many times i saw her, her memory was so far gone she didn’t know who i was or who my mother was. she would generally recognize my dad and she would ask him if he was married and if he had kids. that’d happen every few minutes whenever we’d see her, that she would be going over the list of basic questions. she wanted to enjoy everyone’s presence, and to some extent she did, but it was so hard for her to genuinely partake.

connie was in there somewhere but she was a shell of herself. over the past year, especially in the past four months, it was apparent she was getting exponentially closer to the end.

i always knew she’d be the hardest to lose. i’ve been afraid of it forever. and i think she will be. i have two grandparents left but i just. i just know this one. and it feels only reinforced by my feeling that her death doesn’t change anything.

i have realized nothing new from this. there’s no circle encompassing this moment in my life. at this time i think more constantly what i have always thought of her. i am just devastated to be without her. in place of piecing together what she meant to me, since i was already well aware of that all my life, i am thinking more of how she was years ago. i am not realizing. i am remembering. what i remember is what i’ve thought much less about for a while, because i’ve only been so worried about her now for at least 4 years. at least. and that’s only been my major concerns.

but if there was someone who deserved this soon, it was her. in some respects, for a while i’d felt like i lost her already, such as the fact that she didn’t constantly remember and understand anyone but her husband. she was so weak recently. she just needed to rest.

if you were wondering, she would have turned 91 if she made it to the end of this month. i will be okay, again. i keep tearing up every few minutes thinking about her. it doesn’t last long but it recurs a lot. i don’t feel the disbelief i did with my grandfather’s death. i simply feel awful.

with my grandfather, even in recent months there have been tears, bad dreams, and recently at work an old man came in who looked and moved and talked very much like my grandfather had since his first battle with his brain tumor. those make me sad but much of the time now i just remember that he’s actually gone, not out of sight, out of mind. i’ve made my peace, it’s just more like i largely don’t buy it. he’s not dead, i just haven’t seen him in a while. that’s how it feels and i just remind myself that it’s not true.

well i don’t know that i will think of connie like that in six months. because frank, her husband of 68 years, is going to be alone and no one can bear the thought of how scary that is. he doesn’t know life like this. so if you’re the praying type, please utter his name for me. he’s a very strong man, but he’s very old.

i wanted to say one last thing. remember when i said seventeen was once again comforting me when my grandfather died? well i’ve been listening to cnblue today. i don’t know why. i will not sit here and tell you my cnblue story (although one day i mean to bc oh boy) but i was a fan of them years before i got into kpop, when i was 13. it was the summer before eighth grade. i actually know like, none of their work that they put out after i was 13. i was mostly into their japanese stuff, their korean singles back then were so much more poppy and colorful and i liked them but not as much. i still kind of feel that way. you know what song of theirs i was kinda iffy about liking as much as i did? love girl. oh my god. for the record they dropped that song and album on my 12th birthday, which inherently cursed them (nothing good ever happened while i was 12). i was too not-like-other-girls to deal with the one video of theirs that went too far in making it clear that the boys in this band were cute (ugh). but now i’m listening to that song a lot in particular because it makes me feel very light and pink and warm and homey and to put it simply it fills me with a comfort that i think i need after losing my feminine hero. that doesn’t make any sense but i feel it. i’ve not actually played anything since i started typing this so i’m gonna go back to that now.

ps: any friends or mutuals, if we talk lots or little or we haven’t in a while, are welcome to send me literally whatever. if it’s related to this, unrelated, or whatever, if you are thinking of reaching out to say something i am going to appreciate anything. you can send kind words or a meme or cute animals or a song rec. i will say that i’m going to be quiet for the time being so i may not reply back very quickly. i’m not ignoring you i’m just taking space. i may be like this for a little bit. but if you actually read all of this, thank you. thank you so much.

#catharsis #shut up kaily

[greennct]

lab partner from hell | park jisung

badboy!jisung fuck yeaaaaaa!!! okay so basically i posted this about 100 followers ago as a sneak peak and got too busy to finish it - but here she is now!! I'm v happy w how it turned out!! absolutely cheesy and classic maybe thats why i love it so much you’ll never know. (also if no one knows who jiwoo is, she's also known as chuu from loona.) 

fluff, enemies to lovers, hopefully some humour, 5.3k words

song rec: conversation by catfish and the bottlemen

Starting a new school was scary for most people, however, by now, you were pretty much used to doing so on more or less a biannual basis. Your parents worked for a company which required them to move around extremely frequently, and subsequently your childhood and adolescence had been spent trying to keep up with an endless stream of names and faces. Apart from your immediate family, there were no constants in your life because of how frequently it was turned upside down.

Having friends was not an option, as far as you were concerned. After the first few years of tearful goodbyes that seemed to break your heart a little more each time you had to leave, you decided that wasting your time and emotions on people who, no matter how nice they might be, would leave you sooner or later, was pointless and exhausting. Therefore, you made sure to be polite, outgoing and perfectly friendly for the months that you were there, ensuring that you at least had people to sit with at lunch, however, made sure to keep your distance so that no one ever really got attached.

Straightening your rented uniform in front of the mirror by your front door, you smiled wryly at your reflection. Compared to other blazers that you had worn in previous years, this one wasn’t too bad in comparison in terms of style, however the thick wool felt itchy and unnatural on your skin. Oh well, you thought, I only have to wear it for a few months anyway.

Your dad drove you to school, a tiny yet longstanding tradition that the two of you sustained each and every time you had to endure the tedious admin of your first day. However, this custom did not always work in your favour, as this morning you ended up being late due to the copious amount of traffic blocking the roads. 

You jumped out of the car just as another vehicle pulled up to the now empty parking lot. It was a huge minibus, with tinted-out black windows all over it. You suppressed a scoff at the display of extravagance, preparing yourself for a month of sucking up to entitled heiresses, until you watched a skinny, scruffy boy stumble out. Not bothering to wave at the driver, he simply shrugged a faded backpack over his shoulder and started loping towards the school building.

Snapped out of your trance by your realisation that the boy was walking away from you quicker and quicker, you startled yourself into an awkward half-jog, as you called after him.

“Hey! You!” You tried, however he kept marching along without so much as a glance backwards.

Now flat-out running, you almost fell over your own feet as you came to an abrupt stop just by the boys shoulder. You tapped it, and he turned around slowly, removing an airpod hidden under his shaggy haircut from his right ear.

Panting more heavily than you cared to admit, you introduced yourself between gasping breaths. Met with radio silence from the boy, you took his reluctance to introduce himself as confusion, so you tried to explain what you were actually doing.

“I’m new here. I’m supposed to find the headmaster’s office, and then my classroom, it’s 49B, on the fifth floor I thi-”

You interrupted yourself, stopping your sentence short as you stood with your mouth open at the boy’s behaviour.

He had listened to you babble on for a while, shrugged and rolled his eyes, before slouching off, headphone already back in his ear.

You scoffed in disbelief. Moving from place to place to frequently had also equipped you with more than sufficient skills to deal with all types of people. You had fought back against bullies, brought spoilt brats down more than a peg or two, however, you had never encountered someone who had been so rude in such a casual way. He didn’t know you, and there was no one around to impress with this show, however, he decided to be mean anyway. His indifference towards your request for help shocked you so much that you forgot to be angry.

Instead of plotting your revenge against this newfound enemy, you found yourself instead wondering what you had done to upset him so much. You felt bad for disrupting him. There was something about how frankly he had rejected your friendship that made you wonder whether or not you had done something wrong.

-

About half an hour later, you found yourself standing in front of your new form room class. Most people had politely pretended to be at least mildly interested when you had walked in, but before you had even introduced yourself, one certain student, tucked right into the back left corner of the room on a table all to himself, let out a groan so obvious when you walked in, he had your cheeks burning. 

“Something to say, Mr. Park?” The teacher reprimanded, as the class tittered with gossip about the disruption. Met with silence, he continued. 

“Thought not. In fact, why don’t you welcome your new classmate to share your desk with you, since you seem to eager to get to know them.” 

He shot you a friendly smile as you trudged over to your new assigned seat. He probably thought that she was doing you a favour. If only he knew how wrong he was.

The entire first hour of lessons you spent in silence, determinedly focused on meticulous note-taking and nothing else, so that you would have as little interaction with whoever this ‘Park’ boy was as possible. Daring to sneak a glance at him whilst your maths teacher wrestled with the projector, you discovered that he in the midst of all of your pedantic studying, he had fallen asleep. Scanning his face properly for the first time, you took in his now peaceful expression, his chest rising and falling softly. You noticed the way his shaggy fringe was covering practically all of his eyes. It was much too long, he seriously needed a haircu-

“Quit staring at me.” The boy drawled, without opening an eye.

“I- I wasn’t!” You protested, your voice at a noticeably higher pitch than usual.

“Denying the fact only makes you look more creepy, you know.” He replied, still without moving his position at all.

“Well... You drool when you sleep, so...” You trailed off, embarrassed with your weak comeback. 

To your surprise, he sat up sharply, wiping furiously at his now bright red cheek with the sleeve of his blazer. “No I don’t.” He muttered.

“You know, denying the fact only makes you look more creepy.” You smirked, satisfied with how well you’d managed to shut him up.

- 

“Psst!” Practically the minute that the bell rang to signify that class was over, you were yanked into the corridor by a flash of auburn hair.

“How do you know Jisung?” A pair of wide, shining eyes blinked at you from behind rounded glasses.

“How do I know who?” You asked, frowning slightly.

“Park Jisung! You know, the guy you’ve been flirting with the whole of the last lesson!” She replied earnestly.

“What?!” You spluttered. “I have certainly not been flirting with anyone, let alone him, I-”

“But don't you guys know each other?”

Okay, now you were seriously getting confused. “I met him about an hour and a half ago.”

“Seriously?” The girl blew her fringe out of her eyes exaggeratedly. “Wow. He must really like you, huh.”

You tried not to scoff. “Listen, I don’t think you’ve got the right-” 

“That’s Park Jisung. He’s the maknae of NCT Dream!” The girl’s eyes were so big now, you wouldn’t be surprised if they popped out of her head. 

You searched her face for some sort of clue, puzzled. She let out a gasp at your cluelessness. “How do you not know NCT?! SM’s latest boy group? The ones that are basically taking Korea by storm? Pretty much the most sought-after set of teenagers in Asia?!” 

“Sorry.” You replied, smiling awkwardly. “My last school was in the countryside. Everyone loved BTS there.”

Ignoring your response, she ploughed on. “I don't think you understand. Jisung’s so busy with his schedules he only comes into school, like, once a month. He talks to literally no one, and sits and eats and studies all alone. You’re the first person he’s ever talked to since enrolling here. And you’re telling me you’ve known him for ever less time than we have?! Woah. You must be magic or something.”

You struggled to form a reply to this girl, partially because you were trying to absorb all of this new information, but also because at that moment, Jisung barged out of the classroom, sending students scattering right and left as he strode down the corridor.

“See what I mean?” The girl continued. “He’s ice cold.”

“I don’t know...” You sighed, watching his towering figure disappear down the corridor. “Maybe he's just lonely.”

-

As the week passed by, you spent your break times swapping homework answers and the latest gossip with the red-haired girl, who you later learned was called Jiwoo. Your new friend was bubbly, vivacious, and completely obsessed with Kpop. Spending the majority of your time with her, you couldn't help but learn the names and faces of all 21 members of NCT. You tried to stay completely impartial to the group, yet no matter how hard you tried, you still caught yourself humming along to their title tracks. You felt embarrassed every time. After all, wasn’t it a little creepy to know every single intimate detail of your desk-mate’s life? Besides, you still couldn’t stand the boy, each week he became more infuriating than last time. His label must’ve said something to him, because instead of gracing the school with his presence once a month, he was now sitting next to your for almost two days a week. And every time, he found a new way to make your life a living hell.

“Hey, new kid.” He whispered, poking your side with a pair of tongs. “What does this do?”

You supressed the urge to roll your eyes as you turned towards your lab partner. Unfortunately for you, your chemistry practicals were all carried out with your deskmate, so you couldn’t escape Jisung, even in a science lab. Instead, you were forced to make desperate eye contact with Jiwoo across the room whilst Jisung berated you with questions you were certain he already knew the answers to.

“You know my name, Park, stop calling me new kid.” You hissed, glancing over at where the teacher sat, almost falling asleep over grading papers. You caught sight of the chemical he was holding, and gasped, immediately tried to snatch it from his grasp. “Jisung, that’s hydrochloric acid! Where did you even get that?” 

He laughed at you, simply raising his arm, and the acid, far from your reach. “Prof’s desk. Why’d you ask?”

“If it touches our magnesium, it’ll burst into flames! Exactly what she told us not to do!”

“Relax, nerd-”

“I’m not relaxing until you put that fucking acid back! I’m not losing my A in chemistry just because you suddenly have a psychopathic tendency for arson. I’m serious, Jisu-”

You didn’t finish your sentence. It was too late. You saw the acid hit the metal in slow motion, the flames spring up in technicolour vision. As the teacher ran for the fire extinguisher, and the students hurtled out of the laboratory, all you could see was the stupid, know-it-all grin on Jisung’s face when he first tipped the conical flask. 

-

That infuriating expression was still burned into your vision half an hour later, when you found yourself in the principal’s office. 

“What were you two thinking?!” She reprimanded. “Putting not only yourselves, but your fellow classmates in danger?”

“With all due respect, Miss,” You interjected. “I told Jisung not to pour the acid, I was against the idea from the beginni-”

“Not true!” He interrupted. 

“What do you mean?!” You turned to him, raising your voice. “What part of ‘Don’t pour the acid, Jisung, it’ll catch on fire,’ did you not understand, huh?”

“It’s not my fault you’re so infuria-”

“Both of you, calm down!” The principal’s voice rose above your clamour. She let the silence sit for a few moments, whilst the two of you squirmed in your seats. 

“You're behaving like children! I don’t care whose fault it is, or what happened, the point is that you almost set the school on fire! Now, I have some very concerned parents on the line, and an absolutely fuming Chemistry teacher beating down my door. She wants to fail you both, you know.”

You couldn’t help but try to save your academic career. “Miss, please, I can’t fail chemistry, you don’t understand, I-”

“Please don’t interrupt me.” She chided, sighing and rubbing her temples. “Look, I know you're both good kids. It’s almost impossible to have such perfect track records as you two these days.”

Huh. You had never really pegged Jisung as the studious type. Whenever you were in lessons together, all he did was ask you annoying questions. 

“Guys, I don't want to fail you. So, I have a proposition. It’s clear that this accident occurred because the two of you couldn’t communicate properly. So, I’m going to give you one last chance to save your chemistry grade. An extra-credit project. A paired project.” She continued over your groans. “If the two of you can't work together properly, then how can I trust you to be safe in the labs? This is for your own good.”

You tried again. “But-”

“No buts! You two will present a project on a famous pair of scientists, and how their teamwork led them to success. I want it ready to show your chemistry class in two weeks. Now, get out of my office.”

-

Returning to your form room, you ran into Jiwoo’s waiting arms. 

“Are you expelled?” She asked.

“Worse,” You moaned. “I have to present a project with him. Correction, I have do an entire project by myself, while he takes all the credit. I mean seriously-”

“Um-”

“-who does he think he is? It’s like he thinks he can-”

“Maybe you should-”

“-walk all over me?! This is ridiculo-”

“Turn around!” Jiwoo almost yelled.

You did, and came eye-to-eye with the very person you had just been complaining about. 

Shit.

“Are you free on Saturday night?” Jisung asked.

“What?”

“I said,” he leaned a little closer to you, slowing his pace. “Are you free on Saturday night?” 

“Uhh...” You were malfunctioning. You thought Jisung hated you, why would he ask you-

“For the project.” He continued. “I don’t want to fail chemistry.”

“Oh, right.” You tried to hide the flush that had crept onto your face. “Well-”

“Hang on a second,” Jisung crowed. “You weren’t seriously thinking I was asking you on a da-”

You shoved your hand onto his mouth. “Shut up!” You hissed. “No, I wasn’t, that’s so typical of you, thinking the whole world...” You trailed off. It was clear from the mirthful expression on your deskmate’s face there would be no convincing him that wasn’t the case. Especially when you weren't entirely sure yourself.

Moving your hand out of his face awkwardly, you tried to subtly wipe it on your jeans. “I’m not free on Saturday, anyway. I have plans.”

“What, a different date?” Jisung immediately replied. “Who is it? Joshua from philosophy? I see you looking at him sometimes. Or Changbin from maths? He likes-”

“What?” You finally collected your thoughts enough to answer him. “No! I'm hanging out with Jiwoo.” 

“Oh. Right.” 

A pause.

“Can you do Thursday evening?” You tried to brush over the discomfort. 

“Um... I have music bank in the afternoon, but I think I could do after seven?”

You tried to ignore Jiwoo stiffening beside you at such a casual mention of such a well-known show, and nodded. “Sounds good. My house?”

“Um, I actually can’t leave my dorm without a manager, so is it okay if you just come over?” Jisung sounded sheepish. You simply nodded again, not trusting yourself to speak and avoiding eye contact as he walked back over to your desk. 

You barely opened your mouth to speak, when Jiwoo had dragged you into the deserted corridor.

“Oh my god!” She squealed. “Did you see that?”

“See what?” You frowned. 

“He’s clearly head-over-heels for you!”

“What?!” You laughed. “Have you been paying attention this entire term? He hates my guts!” 

“Have you been paying attention throughout that entire conversation?” She shot back. “He went crazy when he thought you were going out with someone.”

“So? That doesn't mean anything.” 

“I see the way he stares at you, when you’re not looking. Like you're the only person on Earth.” 

“I don't know what you’re talking about.” You shrugged her off, heading to the nearest bathroom. 

You tried to disregard everything Jiwoo had said, you were sure it was nonsense. However, you had to admit, it had been weird. Jisung had been... almost nice. It made you uncomfortable. 

-

Despite Jiwoo’s words crossing your mind every so often throughout the week, you tried to dismiss it, especially on Thursday. However, you couldn’t help but change after school into a nicer outfit before you went over to Jisung’s. Giving yourself a once-over in the mirror before you walked out the door, you sighed. A week ago, spending time with Jisung for a project would’ve been tedious and annoying, but nothing get worried about, let alone primp yourself for. Why were you suddenly so concerned about your appearance? 

You had exchanged numbers earlier on in the week, but aside from texting you his address a few days ago and confirming a time, there had been radio silence. You had to stop yourself from sending him a message just to confirm you had indeed gotten the right day - it was written right there in front of you. Besides, you didn't want to sound eager to spend time with him.

Ringing on his apartment doorbell, you were buzzed up almost instantly. However, you stood outside his actual front door for a good few minutes, trying not to listen to the shouting you could hear. Unfortunately, you couldn’t really help yourself.

“They’re not meant to be here yet!” Your ears perked up at Jisung’s voice. Immediately, you went bright red.

“Let me answer it then, while you get ready!” Someone roared back.

You were turning around, ready to just wait it out for another hour in some café nearby, when the door flew open. You turned, and gasped.

It was Jisung, but - different. He looked - the only way you could think to describe it was ethereal. His hair was suddenly a candyfloss pink, and his eyes were a baby blue. His skin, usually adorned with a pimple or two, was flawless, glistening. Your eyes travelled downwards, and immediately flew back up. He was in some kind of blazer, with no shirt underneath, a lower neckline than you had ever seen a boy in before. Slightly out of breath, his chest was rising and falling rapidly, and you struggled to find something on him to focus on that didn’t make you want to run away. 

“Um, hi.” He rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed.

“Hi.” You breathed. 

No wonder he was so cocky all the time, if he looked like this. 

“Sorry about- all this,” he gestured awkwardly to his outfit. “I thought you were coming for 7:30.”

“You texted me 6:30?” You brandish your phone wildly at his face, your nervousness at talking to this new Jisung rendering you unable to reply with a snarky comment.

“Shit, you're so right. I can’t believe I fucked this up, I’m so-”

“It’s fine.” You clipped, now wanting to get this entire ordeal over as quickly as possible.

“Do you mind just waiting here while I shower?” He asked.

“Oh, don't worry, I’ll just find somewhere to sit. I think I saw a convenience store down the road, so-”

“Don’t be stupid.” He interrupted. There was the Jisung you knew. “Do you really think I’m that mean? Just sit in the living room.”

He turned, walking back into the apartment, and was halfway down the corridor before you even had the chance to formulate a response. 

“Are you coming, or what?” 

His rude tone snapped you into motion. Shoving your shoes by the ridiculous amount of pairs already piled up by the door, you followed him in.

Entering the living room, you were met by five pairs of curious eyes spread out across the room. You had not expected any of NCT Dream to be home, let alone all of them lounging on various sofas. You tried not to stare too hard. All of them, except a slightly older boy with big brown eyes were wearing outfits that matched Jisung’s to a varying degree. You both stopped in your tracks. 

“Mark?! What are you doing here?”

“It’s movie night.” The brown-eyed boy replied.

“No, that’s Sundays, Mark.” Jisung used the exact same tone you were used to hearing when insulting you.

“Oh. Must’ve got confused. Oh well, might as well stay. And since I’m here, why don’t you introduce me to-”

Mark said the first syllable of your name before stopping himself. “I mean, your friend here. That you've never mentioned before.”

One of the boys (with brilliant orange hair you thought might be Chenle), sniggered.

Jisung groaned. “We’re working in the kitchen tonight. If I catch any of you trying to bother us, I’m going to call up your mothers myself.”

“Why don’t you stay with us and watch something while Jisung showers?” Jaemin (You thought?) asked.

“Oh, um, I have other homework I should probably do instead while I wait.” More like panic text Jiwoo you thought. “But thanks.”

Jisung seemed to be satisfied with your answer, so grabbed your wrist and dragged you into his kitchen. The skin he had come into contact with seemed to retain the warmth of his fingers long after he had pointed out the snack drawer and disappeared down the corridor.

Too scared to investigate, you sat at the tiny table tucked into the corner and opened your laptop. After opening a word document, to at least give the illusion that you were actually attempting homework, you pulled out your phone and started spamming Jiwoo. 

You were halfway through an in-depth description of the precise shade of blue Jisung’s coloured contacts had been, when you heard his voice at your shoulder.

“The packet said aquamarine, rather than azure, if that helps your friend out.” He quipped. 

You almost threw your phone across the room in your haste to shove it into your bag.

“Don't read people’s texts, that’s rude.” You blustered. “I wasn’t even talking about you.” 

“Sure.” Was all he replied, sitting down opposite you. You almost sighed in relief. This Jisung you were used to. The candyfloss pink hair was still damp, now a dusty rose. The makeup was all off, and the contacts were out, but you were mostly relieved about the worn grey hoodie he had on, dwarfing his frame and covering any previously exposed skin.  However, you still weren’t completely safe - he smelt ridiculously good, even from across the table. What was wrong with you? 

Clearing your throat awkwardly, you opened the powerpoint slides you had already worked on. “So, all the scientific pairs I could find were couples, so instead I think we should just do two people who were significant contributors to one topic, for example-”

“Why can't we do couples?”

You stopped short. “What?”

“What's wrong with doing couples? They have good teamwork. Marie and Pierre Curie, Jerome and Isabella Karle, loads of others.”

“Well, I just- I thought you wouldn’t want to talk about like, romance, and stuff, I guess?” You suddenly felt extremely foolish. Making such a big deal out of not doing couples had suddenly created the exact drama you had tried to avoid.

“I think we should do couples.”

“But I’ve already done, like, five slides!” 

"So? That won’t matter if we still get zero. The point of the project was teamwork, not actual science.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything before I did half the project then?” 

“I didn’t ask you to do half the project.” 

“You’re- you’re infuriating!”

“Well, you’re a know-it-all!”

“Park Jisung, you are, hands down, the rudest person I have ever-”

You were cut off, because Jisung grabbed your face with both his hands and kissed you. 

You froze for a few seconds, but surprised yourself by starting to kiss him back. You broke apart to catch your breath, just staring at each other. Jisung opened his mouth to say something, but you just leaned in again to kiss him once more. The two of you edged closer to one another, you tangled your hands in Jisung’s hair, and he pulled you to sit side-saddle on his lap. You were about to wrap your arms around his chest when the door opened.

“Woah, there!” You shot around to face Haechan in the doorway to the kitchen. “What’s going on here?”

Your heart suddenly returned to your chest with a thud from where it had been floating somewhere in the night sky above you. What were you doing? Sitting on the lap of the the most sought-after celebrity in East Asia, who you were pretty sure you hated about half an hour ago, making out with him, on a school night, no less. Even worse, you had really enjoyed it.

“I think I should go.” You blurted out. “This- this was a mistake.” You shoved your laptop into your backpack, ploughing past the boy in the corridor. Jisung followed you, trapping over his own feet as you practically ran down out of his apartment,

“Wait, don’t-”

Jisung’s plea was cut off by your door slam.

Sitting on the bus on your way home, you cradled your head in your hands. Shit. What had you done? How were you supposed to pass chemistry now? Why, despite your grade on the line, were you more worried about Jisung? 

-

The following two weeks were the most probably stressful of your entire life so far. Jisung did not show up to school. He did not answer your calls or texts. He essentially disappeared off the face of the Earth. And your project due date was looming closer and closer. Even worse, was the realisation that you had made a huge mistake. 

Sure, Jisung had annoyed you to no end, but he had always made you laugh, even if you hated to admit it. It only took him literally grabbing and kissing you for you to realise that those butterflies that appeared in your stomach every time you saw him were manifestations of love rather than hate. It turned out, the time you spent obsessively wondering where he was, and what he was doing was not in order to protect yourself from future insults, but instead because you genuinely cared. And of course, every time you thought of Jisung now, all you could picture was the expression on his face when you had told him you thought his kiss was a mistake.

That was even worse than the prospect of failing chemistry.

Jiwoo kept berating you to simply show up at his apartment, but to be honest, you were too scared. What if Jisung wasn’t in and you had to try and explain yourself to his group mates? What if he was, and he wouldn’t forgive you? You had never liked anyone as much as you liked Jisung, but you had never hurt anyone as much either.

-

The morning your presentation was due, you paced the hallway outside your chemistry lab. You had nothing. You had been unable to think of anything to do with couples, and your project was therefore nonexistent. You had no Plan A, let alone Plan B.

You walked up to the front desk, with a blank mind. There was no way you were going to be able to save yourself.

“I see your partner has decided not to grace us with your presence today.” You chemistry teacher remarked, already making a note on your mark sheet. “He will not be graded. What do you have for us today?”

“Um- well, Miss- Please don't fail Jisung, it’s my-”

“Sorry I was late, Miss, traffic on the way.” You almost cried when you caught sight of Jisung sauntering into the classroom. “I’ve got our project right here.” He held up his phone, already plugging it into your computer before you unfroze yourself.

“Hi.” You whispered. 

Jisung ignored you. Your felt your heart crack slightly.

“What are we doing?” You tried again. He handed you a stack of cue cards. You glanced over them. He had written you lines. He had highlighted them. 

You still had a chance. 

To be honest, you barely remembered your presentation. You kept staring at Jisung, who kept staring determinedly at the audience in front of him. You answered questions, and the bell rang for morning break. You turned to pack up, but had barely switched off your computer when you looked up to see his figure leaving the door.

“Jisung, wait!” Abandoning your belongings, you started to sprint after him, however your endeavours were completely blocked by the entire student body filling up the hallways to enjoy their break time.

“Excuse me- Sorry- Can I just-” You weaved in and out of cliques, trying desperately to keep Jisung in sight. however you only managed to reach him in the parking lot. The irony dawned on you, that this was where you had met hi in the first place, tapping his shoulder on your very first day of school. It was pouring with rain, he was hurrying to his waiting minivan, but you couldn’t give up, not when you were so close. 

“Jisung!” You yelled, and he finally stopped. 

“Please, just leave me alone.” He didn't bother turning around. Your ears just caught him muttering “Don’t make any more mistakes.”

“Don’t you get it?!” You shouted, desperate. “Haven't you read my texts or listened to my voicemails? I panicked! I got scared! I don’t get close to people, Jisung. I’ve spent my whole life moving from place to place. When you kissed me, I-” Your voice broke, “I realised you're the only person I’ve ever met whose made me fell like more than just ‘the new kid.’ I’ve always been scared of trusting people, of opening up to those I know I’m going to have to leave behind eventually. You’re the one person who would ever make me stay. I want to give my heart to you, but I need to know. Will you forgive me? Will you keep it safe, forever? Please, Jisung. I’m so sorry.” 

You stood in that parking lot, dripping with rain as you despaired. You couldn’t believe that after pouring your heart out to him, to showing him how earnestly you wanted him, he would just... walk away. 

“I can’t believe you.” Came the reply at last. “You arrive at my school, the prettiest person I’ve ever seen, you make me come in twice as much as I used to, just to see your face, even if you hated me. I finally get you alone, I finally kiss you, and you tell me it was a mistake, you run away. You call me incessantly, I never open the messages, I can’t bear talking about the project with you, I’m still so fucking whipped I do it anyway,” He turned around to face you slowly. “And you’re telling me if I had just picked up a god damn call I could’ve had you in my arms weeks ago?”

You let out a sob. You couldn't help it. You ran towards him, smashing into his chest and just holding him in the rain. 

“I’m so sorry,” You murmured, again and again.

He simply rocked you from side to side, shushing you. “Don’t be sorry, baby.” He grinned. “This never would’ve happened if I had known how to talk to my crushes in the first place.”

#nct #nct dream #nct jisung #nct park jisung #nct imagine #nct scenario #nct fic #nct fanfic #nct fluff #nct dream jisung #nct dream park jisung #nct dream fluff #nct dream scenario #nct dream imagine #nct dream fic #nct dream fanfic #jisung #park jisung #jisung fluff #park jisung fluff #jisung fic #park jisung fic #jisung imagine #park jisung imagine #nct jisung imagine #nct jisung fluff #nct jisung fic

[woozisnoots]

warnings: implied suicide

a/n: if you feel uncomfortable, pls skip to the important blog update under the cut. long post ahead sorry i did not realize 😬

i sat inside the booth between two train tracks. in such a small space, the pounding in my head didn’t compare to each and every one of my thoughts that touched each corner of the room. minute by minute, the cold from the outside slowly started to fog the outskirts of the glass window.

the train only came by twice a day. 6:40am and 11:40pm weekdays. 12:10am and 9:20pm weekends. i didn’t know what time it was on whatever day i came but it was pitch black out. no stars in the sky, no cricket sounds for miles, no person in sight. i gave up trying to move from the seat, my willingness to even lift a pinky was slim to none. i couldn’t care less if anyone saw me. any decent person would have just walked away if they knew what was good for them.

that night, there was a figure standing on the other side of the train tracks with a lantern held high. maybe twenty feet away. how long were they standing there? there was a good chance that i didn’t even know who it was. like any other night, i chose to ignore— in hopes that they would just leave.

but their lantern burned brighter in response. it was a subtle way of catching my eye but they caught all my attention. the brightness felt like it had finally reached me. it was like the tiniest bit of warmth had melted the frozen exterior of my body, enabling me to move. i was attracted to it. though i wasn’t entirely sure what ‘it’ was. without myself knowing, i was already opening the door.

i walked slow, inch by inch, wanting so bad just to feel that warmth again. just when i could start to feel again, it escaped my reach. i stopped on the tracks and stared at the stranger with a startled expression. right when the warmth left, the motor neurons in my body followed immediately after.

i panicked, not knowing what to do. my body not didn’t want to move. but i think what made me more unsettling was the fact that the stranger didn’t move either. even though the look in my eyes were begging for help.

moments passed, my heartbeart slowed but my mind continued to race with the most unpleasant, forbidden thoughts. knowing exactly where this was going to end, i blatantly stood there. i closed my eyes, listening to wheels of the train riding against the tracks grow from a trickle to a roar. but opened them to see the light shattered on the groud and the stranger reaching out for my hand.

[blog update]

hi there! this is yet again another update post, i bet you’re getting tired of them and i’m sorry. but it’ll be the last one in a while, hopefully. idek if anyone who reads this will actually care but i do need to get things off my chest. i’m making this sound a lot sadder that it actually is, but there is good in it, i promise. you can even skip to the bottom in bold if you really want!

so the past few sleepless nights that i’ve just laid in bed, i’ve soaked up a lot, including all the input that you guys have given me. to all the people that have reached out and given me feedback, thank you so much! but before i announce the news that you’re probably all here for, i would like to express my feelings and thoughts that i think have been bottled up.

world sucks and i want to set everything on fire obviously there’s been a lot going in the span of just a few days. without saying too much, all i will say is that it has taken a toll on me emotionally, more than i originally thought it did. every time a glimmer of hope is in my field of vision, it’s stomped on again by ginormous amounts of cow manure.

i’ve tried to word this in so many ways but the bottom line is: i’m just fucking tired. all the breakdowns i’ve had. the tears out of my eyes. the energy leaving my body. it’s the same feeling of them someone does smth so incredibly stupid that you have absolutely no words to say and you just let them be bc you feel like you already can’t do anything to stop them. but on a so much greater scale. and you feel like you’re just stuck there.

on a very personal note, it also sucks ass coming back on this blog after a long break from kpop. start writing my own content. meeting all you guys. but then having unfavorable events take place and go stumble on a rocky downhill, not knowing when it will never end. you can call me dramatic but it literally felt like someone came knocking on my door just to hit me in the face with a baseball bat ._.

but i was reminded of smth last night: i know one thing for sure. while i was watching svt vids with my lil sister, a smile never left my face. it was 3am and both us filled the living room with so much laughter and admiration. i love svt with my entire chest heart. there is no way in hell that i condone to their recent behaviors (and pledis’ for that matter as well). but like how so many others have stated, svt is a group of kindhearted, respectful, and humble boys no matter what circumstance. and i stand by that.

which brings me to the actual point of discussion: i will gradually start posting my svt writing/works as soon as maybe tmr or wed pst. they’ll probably be in spirts bc i have to get back in the rhythm of writing again, esp for my current series but they will be posted dw! i will try to pry away from writing about wonwoo, seokmin, and vernon for now. moments in july isn’t really a specific member centric fic anyway,,, at least not yet 👀 not saying i won’t ever write for them again, i just think it might be best for everyone’s comfort!

IF YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT PLEASE REFER TO THIS POST AND DO ME A FAVOR AND CONTINUE TO REMIND PLEDIS THAT THEY CAN EAT COW SHIT FOR THE REST OF THEIR DYING DAYS UNTIL THEY TREAT SVT RIGHT. you can even submit/send me pledis memes so i can email/twt them out myself. highly encouraged.

ight i think that’s about it.

thank you guys for your love and patience!! my ask box and dms are always open for anyone that needs to talk!♥️

#update #announcement #about alex #oh also i think im fine #keyword being i think lolol #dw about me!

[turning-dreams-into-chaos]

Honor

*Not My Gif*

Post Date: 10-01-19

Paring: Sirius Black x Reader

Word Count: 1.2K

A/N: So the vote count ended with Sirius getting like 7 so here you go! I’ll post another tomorrow but I need more votes so I know what y’all want. The rest of the votes are like dead even. (Remus-> 4 Bellamy-> 4 George-> 3)

Warnings: sucky bullying cause I didn’t feel like writing actual bad lines 😬😬

~Master Lists~

~Harry Potter Master List~

~Vote for next Fic~

“Good thing you’re better at landing kisses than you are at landing your broom, Y/L/N.” Some Slytherin girl yelled across the classroom as you ignored her, choosing instead to focus on the beautiful eyes staring back at you. Sirius wore a smile on his face as he refused to look away from you, but you knew the happy look was just a façade as his fists were clenched tight. They only relaxed when you put your hands in his, making the smile on his face just a little more genuine.

“Just ignore them. Their words mean nothing to me, and they shouldn’t mean anything to you.” You whispered, leaning in to press another chaste kiss to his lips, finding yourself giggling a little when Sirius made the kiss deeper. You could still hear a few more comments, most were worse than before, followed by a few snickers but you tried your best to drown them out. Comments like those were ones you found yourself receiving often, sometimes it was about the fact that while you where amazing at flying you couldn’t land your broom to save your life, falling onto your face 9 out of 10 times you were landing. But in most cases, it was a rumor started this year about you and what had seemed like of the Slytherin boys doing certain activities. Of course, everyone knew they were fake, and that Sirius was the only boy you ever found yourself with, but that didn’t stop anything. Now it was just a matter of all the boys making inappropriate jokes behind your back while all the girls knocked you down on your flying skills. Luckily for you, James, Remus, Peter, Lily, and your beautifully wonderful boyfriend Sirius had been by your side since the beginning.

The rest of the day was pretty much the same, a few people snickering at you while Sirius kept his arm wrapped around you, glaring at anyone who dared to give you a hard time. But it wasn’t until you and Sirius had separate classes did the day get hard.

Sirius’ leg bounced as he listened to the talk behind, a few boys in his year just talking about you and boasting about the things you had “done” to them, but it wasn’t until some git began boasting did he finally put a stop to it.

“… and when she finally stopped being a fucking tease and got down on her knees, I couldn’t help but-“ His words were cut short when Sirius’ fist collided with his face, making his words turn into groans as he clutched his nose. The once talkative class now stood silent, watching the scene unfold before. The students took a step back leaving a fuming Sirius.

“Say one more word about my girlfriend and your nose won’t be the only thing I break.” Sirius threatens as turns to leave, not seeing the kid stand up when his back was turned.

Your class was pretty boring, McGonagall just rambled on, letting you all preform one or two spells but that was about it. You hadn’t any more trouble and at the end of the class James offered to walk you back to the common room, chatting about Lily along the way. You didn’t mind listening to James go on about the girl because he was always the one you use to go to about Sirius before you dated. He was just telling you about his latest attempt to ask her out when someone walked by talking about a fight that happened. You couldn’t hear much but James and you just shrugged, ignoring it before you reached the Common room. It was normal for you to get there before Sirius, so typically you just laid on the couch and waited for him to jump on top of you and smother you with kisses. You heard the portrait swing open and glanced over the arm of the couch, seeing Sirius rush in followed by Remus whose face was lined with worry.

“Sirius?” you call out when he hid his face from you with his hand and literally sprinted up the stairs to the boy’s dormitory. You were worried, of course, and without a second passing James’ hand was on your shoulder, telling you he’d take care of it. “Let me know what’s going on, yeah?” You asked as he assured you he would and followed up after his best friend. You weren’t sure how long you sat there alone staring up at the stairs, the suspense making your whole body shake before footsteps made their way down the stairs. James didn’t say nothing besides nodding up the stairs, making you scramble off the sofa.

“Sirius?” you repeated as you pulled the door open to their room, gasping as you saw the state your boyfriend was in. Sirius’ nose looked crooked, a cut placed on his lower lip and left brow and he was slightly covered in half-wiped blood, the rag in Remus’ hand holding the rest. “What the bloody hell happened?!” You shouted as you took Sirius’ face in your hands, moving it carefully as you noticed the area around his eye was starting to darken a little, meaning he also had a black eye.

“’M Alright.” He mumbled and moved your hands away, holding them gently in his. You just shook your head, taking the rag out of Remus’ hands before he left you two alone.

“Siri, what happened?” you asked softer than before and carefully dabbed at his cut, making him wince but he just gave you a small smile.

“Some git was talking bad about you. I couldn’t handle it, so I might’ve punched him. Just didn’t expect him to punch back.” He let out a little laugh as he looked up at your worrisome face. He brought his hands up to mimic your actions as you sighed against his touch. “Are you mad, Love?”

You were taken back by his question. So many emotions were going through your head, but not once would you be mad at him. “Sirius. Why on earth would I be mad at you?”

He shrugged and pushed a strand of hair from your face, letting you grab his wrist and press a small kiss to his palm. “I don’t know Sirius. My boyfriend defending my honor. Kinda hot.” You mumbled as you locked eyes with him making both of you laugh before you continued to clean him up.

“I love you. You know that, right?” He whispered. He could say that a million times and every time your heart would skip. You nodded and pressed your lips to his, making him gasp as you touched his cut. You pulled back when you realized you hurt him more, but Sirius just pulled you in between his legs, letting his hands rest on your waist as you kissed you again harder.

“I love you too.” You said when you finally pulled apart, resting your forehead against his. “You do know you’re basically the best thing that has happened to me this year, right?”

“Don’t I know it, look at my face!” He joked as you swatted his chest, making both of you laugh more.

“Come on. Let’s go get you cleaned up.” You said as you dragged him to the bathroom by his hand.

“Yes ma’am.” He hummed and followed you, certain that no matter what was said about you he’d always be there to defend you.

Thoughts?

All Taglists Open

Permanent: @literal-fand0m-trash @just4muggles @saturn-aka-six @nathaliabakes @whyamihere-bro @colored-confetti @wiseeggspickleslime @sadn0va @btsiguess-kpop @galacticstxrdust @independentgirl @wellhellotherelovey

Harry Potter: @accio-rogers @songforhema @hahaboop

TAGGING FOR THE VOTE: @neurobeing @ewitsceleste @satans-suga-baby

#harry potter x reader #harry potter imagine #sirius black x reader #sirius black #sirius black imagine #sirius x reader #sirius black fanfiction #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter fic #harry potter #harry potter oneshot #padfoot imagine #padfoot x reader #moony wormtail padfoot and prongs #padfoot

[seokmatthewz]

im late but onf + victon?

two groups i clown just so absolutely hard for lets go babey!!!

onf

- first time i heard of them: i got into onf in a period of time where i wld get into literally any bg tht debuted so i just saw tht a new bg was debuting nd i consumed myself in any meager content tht was available

- my bias + bias wrecker: i stan hyojin nd seungjoon!!! nd all the other boys r wreckers at this point dbfkfk but i must say Especially yuto this era

- when i became a fan: predebut!!

- favorite (and least favorite) b-side: ICE AND FIRE SOTY!!!!!!! its legit one of my fave kpop songs of all time....nd i never remember songs i don't like dbkfmf so from here on out i'm ignoring the least favourite portion of this game dnfkf

favorite title track: we must love!!!! shes a full blown musical masterpiece mwah but like also complete bc shes The summer song i listen to complete so much

favorite (and least favorite) mv: uhhh fave wld b sukhumvit swimming (did i spell tht right i don't think i did hjfkgnf) nd i think least fave wld b complete just bc she wasn't as inch resting as the others!!

favorite album: we must love!!!

a concept i wished they’d try: i feel like my answer is gonna b the same for all of these but like.....rich sexy concept....floral....silks....

what i like most about them: god everything....their vocals and performance skill especially like they're so well rounded as idols and theyre so hardworking its rlly admirable!!!

nd .... here we go.......

victon

automatically i am omitting the 'least fave' section bc victon has never made something ive even kinda disliked 😤

- first time i heard of them: me7nam........idk how i ended up watching it but it just Appeared on the 1thek channel nd i clicked upon it and the rest is history....

- my bias + bias wrecker: han seungwoo one of my ults my sweet tall wonderful capricorn prince loml....nd all 6 other members r my wreckers but like in essence im just an ot7 stan bc victon r just held in a place of such high standing within my heart

- when i became a fan: aug 31 2016 😳 it was my 4th year as a victon stan last week 😳

- favorite b-side: sunrise.....if any of u reading this incoherent mess of feelings HAVEN'T heard sunrise shes w MASTERPIECE i spent 3 whole hours laying face down on my floor at uni while very depressed listening to only tht song nd it just....she has an Impeccable vibe she's perfect

- favorite title track: remember me!!!! nd now i legally must mention tht despite this the acoustic version of remember me slaps harder than the og version tho both vers r inherently flawless as victon title tracks

- favorite mv: oof i think mayday!!! her camerawork is so funky and they all look so good mwah absolutely love her

- favorite album: omg hmmm I think nostalgia may b my fave album tbh??? or perhaps ready!!

- a concept i wished they’d try: elegant! sexy! silk! flowers! like vixx's shangri la or a monsta x style mv....incorporating more of snoo's kinda rap singing sexy bullshit.....victon cld release anything nd id enjoy it at this point tho fjfkfm

- what i like most about them: god i feel so stupid saying this bc i find it so cheesy when other ppl do but like god victon honestly just make me so happy like theyre all so close to one another and they've been through so much together and they seem so sweet and funny and sincere and wonderful....they've been through piles of shit and almost d*sbanded nd they came back so strong and have been winning things nd i just love tht they're so resilient and wonderful not to mention the fact tht they're all absurdly talented....ugh i cld go on for hours and hours abt this victon just have such wholesome goofy vibes but they also seem to care deeply about one another and it just makes me feel happy to know they have one another to rely on!!! i love groups tht seem really really close and victon rlly r one of the most tightly knit kpop groups I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing i absolutely love them!!!!

send me a 🕊 + a kpop group!!

#asks #millie #did i even answer the last q for victon??? not rlly i am just Passionate and Love Them So Muvh #i am the biggest clown 4 them.... #long post #bdkfnfm #i see the word victon nd i just become [passionate rambling]

[clemencebrothersobsession]

@ikesensrandomninjagirl24 tagged me in this (or at least it showed up in my notifications) so here we go

1. What do you prefer to be called name-wise?

Most people know me as George, but friends can also call me Georgie ^^

2. When is your birthday

2nd June (I have a lockdown birthday unfortunately 😪)

3. Where do you live?

Currently, I'm at my parents' house in Northern Ireland, but I'm at university in Scotland for most of the year.

Also, if you're wondering, no, I'm not Irish. NI is kinda weird and you'll get people saying we're Irish and others saying we're British. Politically, we're part of the UK, but geographically, we're on the island of Ireland. Whether you identify as British or Irish depends on where you grew up and how you were raised. I personally call myself British, because that's what I was raised as, I have a British passport, and I'm technically 1/4 English anyway bc my grandfather on my mum's side was English.

Sorry for the rant, I just feel the need to clarify every time I say I'm from Northern Ireland bc people assume I'm Irish when they hear/see "Ireland" 😑

4. 3 things you're doing right now:

- Gonna get up to make my morning coffee in a second

- sitting on my bed

- typing this lmao

5. Four fandoms that have your peak interest right now

- kpop

- Ikerev

- Mayday Memory

- Obey Me

6. How has this pandemic been treating you

Most of the time, it's meh, but I've been trying to get a job and its absolute HellTM. Also living with transphobic parents when you're trans isn't easy.

7. A song you can't stop listening to rn?

I'll give you multiple bc I can't decide on just one:

- iriwa - Pink Fantasy

- Wannabe - ITZY

- Popsicle - UHSN

- Fancy - Twice (this one never gets old, it only gets better as I listen to it more and more)

- Outta My Head - Somi

- basically my whole Obey me Asmo playlist on spotify

- We don't talk together - Heize ft Giriboy (Prod. SUGA)

- Eight - IU ft. SUGA

- Bom - bolbbalgan4

- Rumour - Produce48

- 好きになっちゃうだろう？- Produce48

,, I'll stop before I make this post longer than it needs to be skdnfkj

8. Recommend a movie

Uh,,,,, I don't have the attention span needed to watch a movie and actually pay attention for all of it so I don't watch them very often 😅

9.

9. How old are you?

Currently 19 but I'll be 20 soon ^^

10. School, university, occupation, or other?

I'm studying French at University

11. Do you prefer heat or cold?

I love it when a room is cold but I've made myself into a burrito with my duvet and I'm nice and warm lmao

12. Name one fact about you that others might find unusual

I can't think of anything for this one,,,,

13. Are you shy?

Yes. Very shy. Kind of a prerequisite to having severe anxiety 😂

14. Pronouns?

He/him or they/them, I don't mind which one people use ^^

15. Biggest pet peeves?

When people eat with their mouths open. If you have breathing difficulties, I understand, but if you just actively choose to not chew with your mouth closed, I despise you.

Also when people make fun of the kpop groups I like. You don't have to like kpop, and you can say whatever you want about it, but I refuse to tolerate blatant racism and I'm gonna stand up for them when I see it. I don't care if they'll never know I exist or not, that doesn't excuse your racism, Chad.

Things that actually affect me like homophobia/biphobia and transphobia don't get to me anymore, it's just funny at this point, but racism is something that really gets on my nerves even tho I'm Very White and I'll never experience it. I think it's just that urge to fight anyone who treats people differently bc of things they literally have no control over.

16. What is your favourite "-dere" type?

I LOVE tsunderes, kuuderes are a close second. I just love how easy it is to tease them lmao (even if it backfires sometimes)

17. Rate your life 1-10

Probably,,,,, like a 6??? I don't have much to complain about except my transphobic parents and my Crippling Dysphoria and AnxietyTM

18. What is your main blog?

This one ^^

19. List your side blogs and what they're used for

I have one side vlog but I'm not gonna say what I use it for just yet, you'll see what's on there soon.

20. One thing you think people should know about you before you become friends.

I have a tendency to convince myself that everyone hates me and I don't answer or send messages for a while, even if I'm still posting on social media. Please don't take this is me ignoring you, I promise I'll be back when I feel better.

Also, I mostly speak in keyboard smashes, vine/tik tok references, memes, and reaction images when I'm with close friends so just prepare yourself for that.

I'm supposed to tag people, but as usual, just do it if you want to and say I tagged you :)

#tag game #obey me #kpop

[vyvesvi]

a lil baby rant about the dkdktv video "Cultural Appropriation in Kpop: Thoughts from a Korean Dude"

the comments on dkdktv's lecture on PC culture and kpop really rub me the wrong way. like he didn't even mention g-idle (the thumbnail is soyeon + ethnic hip though, hello clickbait) and the comments are all "soyeon doesn't deserve the hate she gets," like they watched this whole 19:45 min video advocating for listening to each other and recognizing that we all live and operate in contexts that shape our points of view in different ways and somehow came back with "i can excuse racism/ignorance/ca." like??? listening comprehension F.

more than that, the vast majority of the [immediately available] positive comments bother me as well. in the video, the lecturer, while i appreciate his work in making this discussion accessible to his audience, doesn't say anything that black and other marginalized kpop fans haven't been saying since...forever. at this point, ignorance within the non-korean non-marginalized (tbh, non black, non muslim, and non native, mostly) side of the kpop community is more upsetting than the ignorance of knetz.

even though i think that if i can be knowledgeable about international issues by doing internet research so can they, i will not fault kfans/knetz *too much* due to accessibility issues. sk is homogeneous and that's a fact. (globalization is a thing but i digress.)

it just really irks me the willingness of (tbh, american) kpop fans to scream woke king 😍👑 at this guy (who i'm not critisizing, don't get it twisted) for repeating what marginalized voices have been saying this whole time and in more nuanced ways.

most ironic of all: he advocates for listening to marginalized people and practices what he preaches for the most part, but his fans won't do the same. they clearly would rather hear it from the mouth of a non-marginalized person (to speak nothing of the creepy fixation of many non korean kpop fans with literally any korean guy).

if the video helps people to understand their biases and change their behaviour accordingly, then i'm glad. but for the vast majority of its supporters i remain unoptimistic about their willingness and commitment to changing their behaviour; otherwise, the comments wouldn't be the cesspool that they are.

my personal thoughts on racism/ignorance/ca in kpop:

is it not enough that people are sad? one group that i loved and supported (one of the few groups that i've seen live in my life) has on occasion: mocked a certain religious group, said/sang the n word when it wasn't even in the lyrics, done blackface, and more. when i saw these things, i just got sad. like i was so hurt that these people who i supported and looked up to would so callously hurt so many people, treating their identities like toys to play with.

even if you disagree (which is weird because how do you disagree with someone's feelings and objective experience 🤨) the fact that people are upset and they're not even allowed to have that is absolutely mind boggling.

one time, while in an elevator with a friend i made a stupid joke about jumping up and down. most of my friends laughed but one of them began to cry. we were all completely bewildered, but how did we respond? we immediately stopped joking around, no mention of jumping in the elevator ever again. did i understand why my friend was so emotionally impacted by the event? no, not at all. but knowing that it made her upset, i would never do it again and prevent others from doing so in the future.

that's truly bottom of the barrel, ground zero, the most basic "i respect you as a human being and i don't want to hurt you" level of conduct, and i feel like most kpoppies don't even have that, much less the "help me understand why your experiences have contributed to you feeling this way so i can support or at least understand your point of view" level.

#im bored in the house and im in the house bored #kpop #vbee #sorry for the rant ive been in a ranty mood recently #lol the way that the topic lowkey almost transitioned into my phd proposal draft lmfao🤙🏾🤙🏾🤙🏾

[5eokjin]

That post (I'm assuming we're thinking of the same post) was just saying BTS is so big now they can't be contained in one genre/sphere. Kpop as a genre and industry is known to be one in which most artists don't have a lot of autonomy or artistic freedom. BTS might not be ABOVE kpop but they are Kpop PLUS a bunch of other things. The fact that they’re being celebrated and recognized as artists internationally is a huge deal. It’s a great day, yeah? Let's try to stay positive. – A Korean American

I’m just realizing how pretentious it was to sign off with “A Korean American” and to tell you to keep it positive and whatnot. I honestly mean no ill will. I’m just concerned that you might have read a tad too much into that post. Yoongislilbutt (again, I assume you were talking about that post) is known for hyperbole. She’s just super excited for the guys. 💜 

i’m actually not talking about anyone on tumblr just saw one of my twt mutuals arguing with someone over it and i got mad but this is a topic that genuinely upsets me so so much as poc and i just need to let it out

none of us has ever denied what yoongi said when he said kpop isn’t enough to encompass bts because he’s absolutely right, it’s not. what bts has achieved HAS in fact, gone BEYOND just kpop but it is absolutely, not ABOVE kpop. that implies bts is too good for kpop which is literally so racist when kpop literally just means Korean Pop. not to mention it strips bts, 7 korean men, of their basic identity. bts gained global recognition over the years with “kpop idols” hanging over their hands, and that means they had to overcome 10× as many cultural barriers as any artist from the western music industry has ever had to considering the stigma on the kpop industry you mentioned + the widespread racism and xenophobia prevalent in the former industry. but they did it anyway, all while dancing choreo and singing with elaborate stage outfits and concepts and all those things associated with kpop. for them to have achieved the success they have now, not only despite, but precisely because of how much they excelled at those things, only makes their success all the impressive and significant considering how much westerners have long sneered at kpop and viewed it only with condescension. the term kpop, although it only means pop music originating from korea, was literally used as an insult to class korean music beneath western music, and the vile implication of that was that any asian artist is inherently inferior to their western counterparts. bts took that title of “kpop” hanging over their heads and overcame all the barriers, transforming a term people mocked into a positive one now recognised as a global phenomenon. bts aren’t great because they’re above kpop, they’re great BECAUSE they’re a part of kpop and made it anyway. for fans to have been fine calling bts kpop idols before all this western validation, to now demand they be rid of such a title is saying that artistry doesn’t matter and that the only thing worth celebrating is western approval when it should be the direct opposite, the groundbreaking cultural significance of 7 boys with KOREAN ROOTS becoming the biggest band in the world. all this bts is above kpop nonsense is also Wrong because it implies kpop is a term to be used at the discretion of westerners to restrict the success of asian artists, imposed upon them to dismiss and belittle any success in markets other than european-dominated ones, only to be lifted when western approval is achieved, thus defining western validation as the peak, the epitome of success and reducing other cultures to nothing. bts fought so hard so they could make it despite the racism and xenophobia, they literally redefined kpop, transformed its meaning so it can now be used to empower korean artists to be proud of their cultural background and the cultural significance of their success instead of its previous associations with being a lesser form of music. by saying bts is above kpop, you are directly perpetuating those horrible stereotypes bts fought so hard to break free from and hindering the success of those who now walk on the road they have paved, reinforcing all the cruel racist and xenophobic sentiments that were directed towards them and redirecting them towards other korean artists, you are reversing all the progress they have made and its shameful. it’s also insulting as fuck to fellow pocs like me living outside of western countries for a bunch of ignorant people to basically tell us that the music we listen to, any media we consume that isn’t popular elsewhere outside our continent, is somehow lesser, and that only when it has been popularised in places like america and europe, does it “prove” itself to be worthy of recognition. like just imagine if a bollywood film suddenly received much global recognition, and a bunch of white critics start calling it “above” bollywood. do you see how incredibly fucked up that is? 

#and yeah i didn't appreciate being told to calm down but thank you for apologising #i'm not attacking anyone personally but you can't just say stuff like i'm reading too much and someone is just too excited or whatever #people need to think before they speak because discriminatory implications can hurt pocs even when there is no ill harm #and it is not my job to have to suck it up simply because i know that person didn't mean to be racist #because that can't change the fact that it is and it's offensive #thank you for being so civil though i appreciate it #asks #anon

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON SIGNAL’S LEAD VOCAL, LEAD DANCE SEOL DOWON...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 18 DEBUT AGE: N/A TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: KJH SECONDARY SKILL: N/A

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): wonnie, won mendes - a pun on shawn mendes, for being similarly scouted after going viral from a song cover posted online INSPIRATION: dowon has loved music his whole life, but never thought to pursue it as his career. on the record, he found atlas and became inspired to make music. off the record, he ended up changing his mind when his viral video reached the people at kjh and he thought he could actually have a future in this industry. SPECIAL TALENTS:

balancing anything on one finger - has balanced everything from a plate to a mic stand

abacus calculations

drawing caricatures

NOTABLE FACTS:

big xlnc fan

has an older sister and an older brother

ranked within the top ten of his grade every year in high school

wanted to be a prosecutor before he went into music

is allergic to cats 

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

dowon is focused on becoming a capable producer. it’s not enough for him to provide a chord here and there and get a producing credit slapped onto a song for the sake of being a producer-dol; he wants to feel like he’s really earned it and built the song himself. he’s pretty much only ever done covers prior to joining kjh, though, so it’s proving to be difficult to learn.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

in the distant future, when signal has debuted, dowon wants them to be unique. this seems vague, but he already knows that the moment their teasers are released they’ll be relentlessly compared with atlas as producers, atlas as artists, atlas as performers and global sensations. he wants signal to be able to set themselves apart by having and maintaining a unique sound and establishing their own audience. he believes the music they’ve been working on as trainees is already working towards this, but ultimately the goal can’t be realized until after they’ve debuted and had a few comebacks. as for himself alone, he’d like to continue what he started online and produce solo work. when signal has established themselves as talented songwriters as well as performers, dowon wants to debut solo with music he loves that he’s written only for himself. he’d like that feeling of community he had with his youtube channel, but this time on a much bigger and grander scale.

IDOL IMAGE

dowon has eyes that crinkle when he smiles and a laugh that lights up a room, a pretty face and a pretty voice. he’s also got brains, not inherited but earned after years of being instructed that law school was his goal and the only possible goal. as such, kjh has given him the label of the beagle with a twist, as if being able to do quick mental math or remember who was the last king of baekje is something that exists outside of being playful and fun. being smart has somehow also boosted his image as a musician, as he comes off as someone who had the brains and means to pursue an academic path but opted instead to do music from the sheer passion for it. it’s not the worst image the company could have assigned to it, and dowon isn’t necessarily against it, but it is exhausting. during variety training he’s told he has to keep his energy up at all times and provide the other members with energy when they start to lose it. he’s also still stuck studying, even though he literally just graduated from high school in february, to keep the smart half of his image sharp and ready for whatever questions are thrown at him.

in spite of all that, the most difficult part of his image for dowon to maintain is being an atlas fan. after he got discovered through an atlas cover, kjh told him to amp it up and really milk that link between the brother groups. his backstory now includes an anecdote where he heard atlas playing in a convenience store one day and looked them up and listened to their entire discography and - suddenly! - fell in love with music and decided it had to be his future. except dowon actually doesn’t like atlas, has never liked atlas, and doubts he ever will like atlas. he made one video for the views, and while the results completely changed his life they also continue to haunt him as he has to pretend a spiritual connection to a group whose music he dislikes. he does balance it out by praising musicians he’s actually a fan of whenever he gets the chance, like xlnc and midnight and imperial, but he knows that if kjh’s strict image management has anything to say about it, atlas will be following him for a very long time.

IDOL HISTORY

seol dowon was dutifully enrolled in piano lessons at the age of six, as his parents and siblings had been before him. they cited studies that apparently showed that children benefited from a musical education, that their minds grew to be better primed for studying and creativity and retaining information. what was a little less expected was that dowon fell in love with music, with piano first then guitar and singing once he’d picked them up. whereas his older brother and sister both abandoned piano by the time they entered middle school, he kept at it, attending lessons three times a week.

music was never going to be his career, though, and dowon kept his focus on getting good grades and fulfilling his parents’ dreams of him going to law school. he kept music up as a hobby on the side, from performing at his school’s talent show to briefly starting a band with his friends. when he was about fifteen, though, he started up a youtube channel, posting videos of himself singing or playing guitar and toying with different arrangements of popular songs. initially it was just supposed to be a way to record some of the things he was doing in his spare time, and his parents sent his videos around to relatives who lived further away. but at some point he began gaining a modest following.

he started to earn money from youtube. nothing major, no big bucks, but when enough people sat through the ads on his videos he got a bit of pocket money. it was enough that he started thinking he should focus on how to expand his viewership and maybe get more money out of it, make youtube a side gig to boost the allowance his parents were giving him. until then he had only been releasing a video whenever he had enough muse to put one together, and he was only doing covers of songs he liked and was interested in, but he decided to set up a schedule where every other week he put out something based on a viewer’s request - comment below, and the comment with the most likes gets done next time. as he moved away from doing covers of western rock bands and began playing more popular kpop songs, some of his original subscribers left, but they were quickly replaced and overtaken with people who loved his new content, who fawned over his cute smile and sweet voice.

maybe it was inevitable, then, that some fans of atlas would request that he play one of their songs. to be honest, dowon really didn’t like atlas. their music didn’t vibe with him, and maybe more importantly, he didn’t think he could adapt it to his style well enough to do a cover. he put it off as long as he could, but eventually atlas’ blood, sweat and tears was the top comment. he thought about just ignoring it, doing the next highest rated comment, but wouldn’t covering one of the most popular kpop groups on earth be a surefire way to get views? he could put it out, get some more subscribers, and go back to working on music he actually liked. he put it together a little more haphazardly than his other covers and released it, knowing it wasn’t his best but hoping it would do its work.

it did, and more. the atlas fans who already followed him snatched it up and started sharing the video around until it caught on to the whole fandom. they began making up stories about him - that atlas had inspired him to make music, that he was trying to follow in their footsteps. people started subscribing in droves, sure, but then his comments became exclusively atlas requests. he regretted making that cover soon after it was posted.

when the hype died down, he received an email. kjh global creative was the company behind atlas, and they thought he had potential to be a future artist with them. would he come in for an audition? he lived in daegu, so getting to the company’s headquarters in seoul for a meeting meant convincing his parents to let him take the train on a saturday. they pushed back - how was he supposed to get into law school when he was taking precious time away from his studying at a critical point in his studies if he was jetting off to audition for music companies? he swore he just wanted to audition to see if he could get in - a harmless adventure, something that could make for a fun anecdote later. of course they asked him to come back for another audition a week later, and by now dowon had predictably become infatuated with the idea of making music his career. i mean, why not? he was already making some money from youtube, clearly there were people out there who wanted to hear him sing. he snuck off the following saturday for his second audition, was offered a contract, and broke the news over the phone. his parents insisted he should at least get into law school before he throws his future away; he refused, afraid that he might never get this kind of luck again. they said fine, you’re on your own, on one condition: keep your grades up and go to university. dowon moved into the trainee dorms and transferred to a seoul high school later that week.

he’s lasted over two years now, getting by with a small allowance from an uncle who took pity on him and occasionally picking up a job here or there for some extra cash. he had to delete most of his youtube videos when he signed with kjh, leaving up some of the more successful kpop covers and, of course, the atlas video. he was lucky enough to be put into the predebut group meant to follow in atlas’s footsteps, even if he still doesn’t like them all that much and is already resenting the “atlas’s little brothers” label. he really feels proud that signal is meant to be making their own music and has begun taking producing seriously as a venture, although since his experience is heavily based on just playing with different arrangements and making covers, writing original music is proving more difficult than he originally thought. but even though kjh wanted them to be known as producer-dols, they still wanted signal to have strong focus on dance that will rival other boy groups. having no background in dancing means dowon spends long nights in the studio, working himself for hours to memorize choreography and build up the stamina to be able to sing while dancing his heart out. he’s come a long way from when he first joined the company, thanks to the long hours he’s put into focusing on dance and the post-practice endorphins he’s grown to crave. most of all, he wants signal to define itself as separate from atlas - not atlas 2.0, but a group that has their own sound and style. at the moment, though, he’s got a feeling they’ll be stuck waiting for a while - kjh unexpectedly got a girl group under their wing, meaning the boys will have to take the backseat for now. dowon only hopes they’ll get their chance soon so he’ll finally be able to prove himself.

#id.bio #id.kjh #id.signal #id.na jaemin #id.overthrow