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transboykirito · 1 year

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for real!! And the way they’re separated from the rest of the gaming community in vrmmos and the jackass was saying shit about how “thEy AcT lIkE thEyRe sO mUcH bEtTeR becAusE thEyRe sao sUrViVoRs”

LIKE. NO. THEY ARE CALLED SAO

SURVIVORS

FOR A REASON. That was HELL. I don’t know if it’s because sao survivors tend to stay in their own groups (I feel like that’s what the gang does, stay within their own group for the most part) or not, but it was literal hell and every single second they were stuck in there was a moment they could’ve have just been. Gone. There was not a single safe moment even in safe zones considering outside forces, at least they had a limbo time period in case Wi-Fi went out or something but fuck 😭 and the fact some of the kids are on medication that makes them sick instead of helping them is just, eugh

those kids deal with so much trauma, from asuna constantly reliving her death (this makes me cry especially in ordinal scale), kirito reliving his murders and everyone else’s death, silica being isolated from her family and preyed on in aincrad, just aaaaa let my poor girls and guys rest 😭 they do NOT need to be criminalized and treated as murders or like ticking time bombs, they don’t deserve it, I understand some of it because it’s impossible to know who was a player killer but the treatment and everyone being on the governments watch list is so shitty, they’re just kids and people who wanted to get back to their family and I’m pretty sure it was a small percentage of players who were player killers anyway

ALSO content warning for silica stuff in aincrad

WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT THE WAY SHE WAS TREATED. THE PEOPLE IDOLIZING HER, ASKING TO MARRY HER, MOCKING HER. THAT IS A CHILD. “Oh gOd ShEs SeDucEd aNoTher b—“ SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP IM GONNA 👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹 Like Rosalia was cool but STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP I just blame the anime studio for fucking things up and hope it’s different in the light novels, like how in the book she went fucking BESERK when pina died but in the anime it was just waaah waaah NO I WANT FERAL SILICA

sorrry this was a rant km like super tired and I get like really rambly when I’m tired

mental health irl is such a strange thing, and in my personal experience people do treat us like we’re just ready to snap at any time. it’s especially isolating when you have a “bad” or “scary” illness like ptsd, or bpd, or the other ones i’m just not gonna name for my own personal comfort but we have spoken about with sao before. like. we aren’t monsters or loose wires we are PEOPLE. and i LOVE that sao got into that.

and you’re so right about silica. i’m sick of people pushing this narrative that she’s a whiney crybaby who can’t protect herself. she was doing well for herself on those middle to lower floors!! she could hold her own!! and she has complexities we didn’t see in the anime!! she was stubborn and had some issues she had to sort through about her pride!! where was that a-1!!

#adorabl8dthirsty #asks #don’t apologise for rambling have you seen the shit i do when i’m tired #i bully my friend i to making cursed sugou fancams

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slasher-sweetie · 2 years

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im very nervous rn but here we go,,

(i have never requested a matchup in my life so bear with me)

anything physical: I am 5'4 and have a plus size hourglass shape. Short layered brown hair hair with bangs. I wear eyeliner almost 24/7 and have circle wire glasses. My style varies everyday, one day it's very casual, the next it's full on cottagecore or alt,,

personality!!: I'm not sure if this helps, but I am a INTP. I have been diagnosed with aspergers, depression, complex PTSD and severe social anxiety, so that doesn't entirely shape out my personality but it definitely plays a big part in it. I have extremely dry and dark humor which a lot of people don't get. I tend to laugh at things other people don't find funny and I'm very interested in gore.

hobbies: I enjoy anything related to art, plants/flowers or biology. I don't have much to put here because most things don't interest me. I LOVE HORROR GAMES--

random things: I feel like I rely on energy drinks for my energy a lot of the time :'))

I hope I did okay with describing myself,,

Don't be nervous, you did great! You get a very special slasher, one of the slashers that are closest to my heart. My first slasher, if you will, and that is Charles Lee Ray. He's otherwise known as Chucky the killer doll. He also has an incredibly dark sense of humor, and loves his fair share of gore.

The two of you were sitting side by side in Chucky's car, staring in front of you at the huge screen of your local drive in theater. Somehow, Chucky had called in a favor, and now the two of you were waiting eagerly for your own private showing of Cannibal Holocaust.

Chucky looked over at you with a smug grin, "Go on, you can say it."

You quirked a brow, a smirk playing at your lips, "Say what, exactly?"

He raised his brows mockingly, "You can go ahead and say 'Chucky, you're the greatest man I've ever known, not only are you a Sex God, but you also make my every dream a reality'... Don't be shy now, sugar, go on."

You snorted, rolling your eyes as you took a drink of the Red Bull that Chucky had gotten you a few minutes earlier, "How about I say thank you, and that I love you?"

Chucky snarled his nose in though, "I guess that'll do. You can always say the rest after the movie."

You went to protest, but the opening of the movie began, and your boyfriend pressed a finger to your lips with wide innocent eyes, gesturing for you to be quiet and watch the screen.

You grumbled under your breath, vowing to get back at him after it was over. Before long, you were sucked into the gore and death on screen, and you had to admit it.

Chucky could be pretty great when he wanted to be.

#slashers #horror #horror movies #slasher x reader #slasher x you #asks are always appreciated #matchups #chucky #charles lee ray

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system-of-a-feather · 3 years

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If you're comfortable, I'd love to hear some of the ways you realized you are a system. Im wondering about it myself, but none of the research I've done is helpful on what its like to be in a system, just what it looks like from the outside.

I wish it were that clear cut that I could say much about it XD It was a process and understanding that slowly developed between when we were 14 (6 years ago) up until like... probably less than a year ago. So I guess it took us 5 years after anything notably stood out to actually understand what things were and to make it even more difficult, I have very splotchy memory about that area.

I didn’t really “realize I was a system” ever to be honest - if you get what I mean. When I came to kinda know of this I didn’t really think of it as “systems” and I don’t think I even knew what a system was other than that I had stumbled upon some like.... median system explanation page cause a friend showed it to me and I was like “Oh I guess that makes sense” cause at the time I was like “Man its kind of scary sometimes when my body burns then I loose control of it and do weird shit”

So I was just like “I guess I have fragments of myself that live with my head and I guess it’s kinda normalish? Enough that there is a page explaining it” and I just kinda forgot about all that beyond it and was like “Yeah I got fragmented parts that exist in my head” and REALLY didn’t think much about it.

Like I probably should have went “Huh wait, I dont think most people have parts in their head” but I was really just like “Oh cool I guess, except for two that kinda scare me” and just I guess treated it like my maladaptive daydreaming. Pretty sure I thought it was just like... really intense roleplay or something XD

At a certain point our system went into major denial and communication went down so we “didn’t have alters” despite anyone from the outside being able to point it out in hindsight.

Then we went to therapy and our first issue made our untrained dissociative therapist go “bro that sounds like DID but I’m not sure and DID is pretty rare???” and we went “hahah yeah we faked it at one point hahaha” and went on with it and once again entirely ignored it / tried our hardest to not have DID because we “faked it”. Dissociation got in the way of therapy with that therapist at a certain point since he was ill equipt for complex trauma and dissociation

Then we went to college and I was like “Okay I didn’t get much of any progress in the last few months with that therapist because he couldn’t handle dissociation well so I need a dissociation therapist” - then we went to a therapist that specialized in complex trauma, adult PTSD, and dissociation

I explained “Hey I dissociate like a bitch and I need help” and he worked with us and I forgot HOW but I was like “Yeaaaah like.... I kind of... maybe... have people... in my head” because I really still felt bad cause I thought I was just trying to be quirky and fast forward a few weeks and it’s like

“You have DID and you could have mentioned that earlier” and me being like “I MEAN I GUESS BUT I DOUBTED THAT I DID.” Then proceed another year and I’m like “wait I think Im really not faking”

So like XD Thats REALLY informal of an explanation, but I never really I guess “discovered I was a system” as much as I was like.... found out I have DID? I dunno its weird.

I just kind of always had this “Oh yeah different masks, sometimes I can’t control the body, I forget a lot of things, oh and hey I think I met someone that lives in my head” that really just melded in with a lot of my old maladaptive daydreaming issues.

I never really had a “AH HA! I AM MULTIPLE!” as much as I was like “Oh I guess thats a thing some people have” followed by a “Oh shit wait I wasn’t just trying to be quirky and its a REAL mental health condition and not some tumblr fever dream?”

Cause I used to think (due to me coming from the ‘its called medians’ rather than ‘its called DID’) that having seperate parts was “tumblr culture” akin to otherkin, fictionkin, etc.

I dunno, I’m just kinda rambling XD Hope it was entertaining at least

-Riku (Host)

#ask #asks #alter: riku

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marvelficrec · 4 years

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Tony Stark secret identity?

It’s a long list so it’s under the cut!

I Said “I Love You,” What Does it Matter if I Lie to You? + 95k

18 year old Tony Stark is your typical teenager. Well, except for how he’s the playboy billionaire heir to Stark Industries and working on two PhDs. Oh, and 6 months ago he was kidnapped by - well, no one really knows who. Since his rescue (excuse you, Tony liberated himself), he’s also been keeping a pretty big secret. Here’s a hint: it’s shiny, red and gold, and flies. Tony’s had a productive couple of months, but the fact that his grandfather keeps trying to hire bodyguards for his “safety” is really putting a cramp in his ability to keep his secret superhero identity, well, a secret.

Steve Rogers wakes up in 2015 and finds out that he’s missed 70 years (Oh god, does this mean he’s 94?), a revelation that he handles with much less grace than usual. Mostly, Steve just wants to be Captain America again, but on his own terms and without a lot of fanfare. To fill the time while Steve tries to figure out the best way to resurrect a dead superhero, his good friend Isaac Stark offers him a job: bodyguard to Isaac’s grandson, Tony Stark - who seems to get into a surprising amount of trouble for a teenager. “There’s no better introduction to the 21st century than through Tony,” says Isaac. Somehow, Steve is not reassured.

don’t know why it took me so long to see + 11k

“Oh, watch this,” Natasha says, propping her chin against her knuckles and turning a sweet gaze on him. “Tony, what’s it like dating a superhero?”

Tony bristles in irritation. “We’re not dating,” he snaps. “Captain America probably thinks he can get into anyone’s pants just ‘cause he’s got a mask, costume, and reputation, but not me, buddy. That shield? Gotta be overcompensating for something.” He adds, a bit petulantly, “Oh, and all that blue? Definitely more Steve’s color than his.”

Saving the World (Is Totally a Date) + 64k + personal favorite

Tony discovers Stane’s betrayal while he’s still being held captive. When he escapes, he sets out to ruin Stane as completely and ruthlessly as he can, playing up his PTSD and quitting his job to destroy Stane quietly from the outside. He also picks up a teaching job-all Pepper’s fault-and oh, right, becomes a supervillain. Okay, that one was Tony’s fault, but it was totally an accident.

In the meantime, a certain Capsicle is defrosted a year early, and is assigned the task of capturing the notorious Iron Man. It’s not going particularly well, if the embarrassingly high number of times he’s been kidnapped in the past six months is any indication. When SHIELD decides to help him “adjust” by getting him a teaching job, Steve is skeptical; but then there’s Tony, and Steve finds he doesn’t mind the 21st century so much after all.

The Most Amazing Things (Some Terrible Lie) + 26k

Tony’s decision not to reveal his identity as Iron Man to the world was shrewd and calculated. Too bad it’s about to backfire on him like a Jericho missile.

Slipping off the Page into Your Hands + 68k + personal favorite

Soulmates have their first words to each other written on their wrists. This should make it easy. For Steve and Tony, it is anything but. Steve’s problem is that the future he has awoken into is nothing he was ever expecting: he has a soulmate now. Who might be a robot. And if his soulmate is Iron Man, how can he be so attracted to Tony Stark? It should be impossible. Tony’s problem is that he is Iron Man, his soulmate is a man whom he in no way deserves, and he is going to fight everything in his heart and do his best to make sure Steve never, ever finds out the whole truth.

Cherry Ride + 12k

A SHIELD agent named Roger Stevens told Tony that his nickname was “Cap”. Tony didn’t connect the dots until it was much, much too late.

Steve Rogers: Undercover Robosexual - 11k

Tony Stark is a selfish, narcissistic asshole with a God complex, which makes his invention of the superhero Iron Man, an impressive android with an AI that surpasses even J.A.R.V.I.S. in complexity, all the more puzzling. Stuck in a future he struggles to understand, Steve surprisingly gets along with the bag of bolts more than any flesh-and-blood being. He often has to stop himself from taking chances with real human life (including his own) when Iron Man is in danger. After all, Stark likely has several back-up copies of Iron Man’s code, so he can always make another one, right? That’s what Steve tells himself anyway when he sees Iron Man flying a missile destined for New York City through a wormhole to destroy the Chitauri warship.

And then Steve gets a call from the man himself on his private comm channel.

“Hey Cap.”

“Stark, this isn’t a good time. I’m kind of in the middle of something. Can I call you back later?” Steve says, head tipped up to watch Iron Man’s ascension.

Bizarre Love Triangle + 1k

Once the idea was in his head, he’d started picking up on all kinds of things, like the way Stark talked about Iron Man with such affection, and seemed to share so many of his mannerisms, and was constantly working on ways of improving the suit. It was obvious.

Think of This as Solving Problems (That Should Never Have Occurred) + 35k

No one knows Tony is Iron Man. Then Tony gets amnesia, and literally no one knows Tony is Iron Man.

Wait & Sea + 50k

In which Tony and Steve get sent on an undercover mission aboard a cruise ship to make contact with Hydra. In this AU the military has kept the discovery and defrosting of Captain America a secret, so Steve and Tony have never met before. Yet they are to pose as newlyweds….

The Long Road Home + 47k

Maria Stark told her son that the Mark on his wrist meant there was a special someone out there just for him. Sarah Rogers told her son that his soulmate was waiting for him, and he needed to be strong for them.

Neither of them ever mentioned what to do if that soulmate just doesn’t want them.

I’ll Give You Gifts Until You Know My Name + 10k

Mr. Stark is an extravagant gift-giver: he has the money for it, after all. As Iron Man, Tony has the opportunity to gift Steve even more presents that, while less expensive, are more heartfelt. Having a secret identity means Tony gets to have his cake and eat it too when it comes to showering Steve with presents.

Until Steve starts developing feelings for his armored companion, and all the benefits of living a double life are turned on their head for Tony Stark.

Eavesdroppers Never + 7k

When Tony made the decision to have a secret identity, he had several well-considered and carefully thought-out reasons. But there were a few scenarios he never took into account. He never imagined that he, Iron Man, would be cuddling naked with Captain America in a Canadian shack in the middle of a snowstorm. He also never imagined that Captain America would pick that moment to tell him, Iron Man, about his feelings for Tony Stark. Uh-oh.

The Greatest Secret of All + 1k

Captain America and Iron Man are hit by a truth spell. So why is Tony Stark acting weird?

What Lies Behind + 63k + im actually currently reading this

Four months after the Battle of New York, Steve Rogers still hasn’t managed to find his footing. The new century is strange and upsetting, and he appears to have no purpose in it. But when SHIELD sends him to liaise with the director of Stark Industries, his life starts to change in ways he could never imagine.

Or, the MCU-rooted AU, in which Steve and Tony both still maintain their secret identities.

Thank You Fics Round 3 - chapter three

How to Date a Superhero Without Even Trying (MIT!Tony Drunk Dials his Ex and gets Captain America)

#stevetony #asks #tony stark #stony #secret identity #Steve Rogers

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ignitesthestxrs · 4 years

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Hannah I always wanted to join the military bc my parents did but I can’t bc I have chronic health probs and I feel like a failure. I live near a base and it’s a constant reminder of an opportunity I missed. It’s hard to support friends joining when tbh I’m jealous of them. & growing up it was the idea that the military is the only way to prove ur strong and valuable so I feel like whatever else I do is not enough and I’ll never be Strong or valuable 1/2

2/2 and I know that’s dumb and I’m also finally learning the military is Not Great but it’s hard to get those ideas out of my head and not feel like I failed at something before I got to try. I feel second class around all my military friends/fam. Idk just trying to find value in the life I do have even if it’s not what I thought it would be. I know military isn’t the only source of worth but 20 yrs of that message is hard to break. Sorry thank u for reading

oh man buddy this is! rough! like regardless of what it is, it is always difficult to have your expectations of the way your life is going to turn out exploded by your body. it’s especially difficult when that life path you had envisioned was one that felt expected of you, and that most of the people around you are engaging in.

that being said. i do not think that it is a tragedy that you are not able to sacrifice your body and your soul on the pyre of the military industrial complex.

(i realised i’m assuming you’re american here, but statistics say that’s uuuh likely. if it’s not the case, feel free to get in touch and i’ll revise my response to make it more relevant to your country, but in general im pretty staunchly against the military as an institution)

i’m not arguing that there aren’t good and respectable and honorable individuals in the army, but as an institution, that thing is a nightmare. 32% of women in the US military are sexually assaulted and 80% are sexually harassed, and it is an issue for men as well. Approximately 67k of the US homeless population are veterans suffering from a range of trauma including PTSD and other physical and metal disabilities.

And that’s just the smallest slice of the pie on how it fails to support the people with in it. It’s transphobic, it preys on poor communities and communities of colour in order to boost its recruiting numbers and it is the recipient of funds that should be dispersed to like, literally any of the myriad of social issues facing the united states. The US spends more on its military ( i hesitate to call it ‘defense) than the next 10 countries combined.

all of that is literally before we get into the damage that the US has done to the world with its military over the last 100+ years. it has been the ruination of countries in order to protect US financial and political interests. the US military exists as the club to wield on the global stage not out of any sense of truth, justice, or peace, but in order to make sure that the US remains a superpower - regardless of whether or not that positively impacts it’s OWN citizens, let alone the rest of the world.

i think there is space for you to mourn the life you grew up being told was the only life worth living, and i don’t discount the pain that causes. but i would encourage you to think of this as an opportunity to explore other avenues to you. and i don’t even mean as a career!

you think i have a job that proves i’m strong and valuable as a human being? i have a job that earns me money. i’m strong and valuable as a human being because of the way i treat the people in my life. because i get up after falling down, even if it takes me a while. because i understand that sometimes you can’t get up, and that’s okay too. because i’m here at all.

you have value and worth as a person because you are a person, full stop. frankly, if you came from a family of doctors or farmers or service workers who were pushing the idea on you that there is only One Path in life that is of value to the world and to who you are as a person, i would say the same thing to you. even outside of the military industrial complex, the idea that you are only ‘good’ if you do the same thing your parents and all your friends are doing is incorrect. it is, factually, wrong. there are many good things in this world, and many ways to engage with those good things. there are many ways to be good. there are many meanings of good, to different people.

also, you are not dumb for having any of these complicated emotions around the situation. it’s a complicated situation, and you’re absolutely right, twenty years of messaging is very difficult to break. i think the thing to keep in mind is that you have already started to break out of it, just by sending me these asks. more than that, there’s never any...immediate switch off to anything we do, you know? patterns take a while to break, and it can often feel like you’re moving so slowly that you’re standing in place - until you turn around, and realise that you’re so much further ahead than where you started.

i encourage you to explore your hobbies and interests outside of the military. think about what your values in life are, and the way you want to live your life. think about the ways you can apply those values to your life, the one you are living now, and not how the life you might have lived could have reflected that.

do your best to look upon this situation as an opportunity to find worth and success and a life elsewhere. it’s scary, yes, but just because things are scary doesn’t make them bad. again, i do think it’s necessary to give yourself the space and permission to mourn the loss of something important to you, but i hope this gives you some perspective about how that thing is not the only path you ever had to do something that was personally meaningful to you with your life.

you will be okay, anon. i am wishing you the best <3 as always, please take what helps from this and discard what doesn’t!

#hannah does advice #Anonymous

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withallthingslove · 5 years

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the handmaid’s tale s3ep4 thoughts

spoilers under the cut

it’s always really interesting to see the vastness of gilead... all the different factions of marthas, handmaids, and commanders and wives

im curious about june’s new shopping partner... she does seem super pious but acting choice wise there is definitely something underneath. and I know they wouldnt be putting a focus on that if she wasnt important

aunt lydia’s dynamic with janine is just so.... weird yet cool. she’s SO cruel but at the same time she has a very motherly bond with janine, and janine has total stockholm syndrome with her. i remember reading an interview that aunt lydia favors janine because she regrets being so harsh at the beginning and taking out her eye

idk if anyone watches superstore but watching fred during the baptism reminded me of jeff pretending to have friends at the managers conference. he’s not only been demoted but he’s also lost his place in the friend group of commanders

june’s line about not hating fred... im pretty sure its from the book. but i totally think that what she narrates is represented in this episode. she doesn’t hate fred, but she doesn’t love him either. but there is such a familiarity with him and a comfort, and at times they have protected each other so there is an almost loyalty between them

and we’re back to the waterford dynamic.... honestly i didnt hate it but i didnt love it either. I’m still not sure how I feel about commander lawrence and i just overall don’t really like the vibe of his house so it was nice to be in the putnam’s house instead

but no nick (sigh)... i know we’re gonna have limited nick this season which sucks

but on the bright side.... luke is FINALLY getting a worthwhile story line.

it’s interesting how much naomi’s character has softened... she’s gone from being one of the coldest characters to being an actual caring “mother” and then kind to janine and june

is june just allowed to like not follow orders now? wouldnt it be noticed she hung back to talk to serena... this plot armor is strong... and annoying

ughhhhhhh serena.... idk if anyone else feels the same but I think the writing for the serena/june dynamic has gone so down hill. their relationship as fucked up as it was used to be so complex and now it is so dull to me. I will never feel bad for serena and I HATE that serena is getting to mourn holly (yes I’m back to calling her holly because fuck serena’s name) more than june. Why does serena get to mope around depressed and keep bringing her up as if june didn’t make the same goddamn sacrifice. Obviously june is happy holly is safe, and we get to see her satisfaction at that but we also dont get to see her miss holly at all. But we see serena miss holly. ugh

basically they’re acting like hannah is june’s only child and holly is serena’s and i dont like it

fred still acting as if he has any sort of power.... okay fred

but again his scene with june in the kitchen... I think the waterfords and june almost definitely have a codependency on each other. you can almost feel their relief when they see each other. the waterfords are treating june almost like a child in the middle of a divorce between them, and they are both using her as a confidant which makes me lol because they are so fucking lonely and messed up they essentially treat their old handmaid like a friend. and june is so comfortable with them because she knows exactly how to “play” them

that scene with serena and june by the pool.... again is june just allowed to do whatever she wants?? and i dont like this “friendship” because i think its blatantly obvious serena is going to backslide and june acting kind to her literal oppressor just doesnt sit right

i was happy naomi let janine hold charlotte. she really has softened a lot and part of me thinks she could end up being part of the resistance down the line. moreso than serena. naomi doesnt act like she loves gilead she has made so many wtf faces during all the different rituals and ceremonies

aunt lydia clearly has ptsd and then also feels the need to prove her strength but do i feel bad for her?? NOPE

and all the appalled faces as she beat janine.... it wasn’t because all the commanders and wives dont approve of torturing handmaids they just dont want to be confronted with it at their party

and june somehow is just able to interfere with no consequences? i know aunt lydia was super in the wrong so thats probably why but it still seems like plot armor

okay that ending... BABY HOLLY IS SO FUCKING CUTE. how did they get a baby that looks like nick and june?? also seeing luke with her... also fucking cute. I’m happy luke is getting a real storyline. I always wondered if june purposely had holly be called nichole so gilead would be able to find her, and it seems my prediction about holly being an international story is going to come true

also... i think that was june’s first time seeing luke in over 3 years. I can’t imagine the emotions going through her and thank god the writers let her go off and joyfully cry

and then we get serena going “she’s gotten so big” *cue eye roll* SERENA ISNT HER MOM. ughhhhh and serena is definitely going to want her back so get ready for that

once again emily has all the best scenes of the episode. I cried multiple times

her reunion with her wife... the fact there was this realistic awkwardness because they have been separated for so long

im just happy that it showed her wife was still wearing her ring and it looks like she hasn’t moved on with someone else. that was one of my fears for emily

“that’s you fighting your way back home” CRIES INTO AN ABYSS

AND THEN THE BEDTIME STORY SCENE UGHH

i wish emily had more screen time. i feel like it should be 50% her and 50% june to show the differences of emily acclimating and june’s decision to stay

and holly being baptized, and luke and moira are her surrogate parents. i love

predictions for next episode:

luke is obvi getting some more screen time but it looks like serena is going to visit nichole and im gonna assume she is gonna want her back

and then that will lead into the washington dc episode

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dr-gloom · 5 years

Text

Recover

Part 7!!!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 8 Part 9

Fandom: Sanders’ Sides

Pairings: Past Reman (Roman/Remy), Past Anxceit

Summary: Virgil goes over to Roman's to watch some movies. He's been feeling great lately, and wants to just have a relaxing day with his friend away from the apartment. Nothing bad could possibly happen, right?

Tags/Warnings: mentioned rape, Alcohol Abuse, Mentions of Emotional Abuse, Mentions of psychological abuse, PTSD, Panic Attack, description of rape

Read it on AO3

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like what I do? buy me a coffee or GoFundMe

Virgil glances down at his phone as it buzzes with an incoming text. He grins when he sees Roman’s name and unlocks the phone, reading the text.

Wanna come over and watch movies, JD-Lightful? :D

Virgil rolls his eyes and texts back.

sure dude, as long as you dont pick any more dumb musicals this time

D:< NEWSIES IS A CLASSIC

actually pretty sure to be a classic it has to be old

and good

HOW DARE just get your emo butt over here, i miss you </3

Virgil laughs, typing out his reply and sending it before rolling out of bed to get ready.

relax romeo

im getting ready, be there in 20

Virgil’s phone buzzes again, but he ignores it in favor of pulling his torn black jeans over his hips and tying the laces of his black boots. It’s probably just Roman letting him know he read the text, anyways. He throws his hoodie on and pockets his phone and wallet, exiting his room.

He walks through the apartment, spotting Patton and Logan on the couch and waving to them. “Heading over to Roman’s, I’ll be back later.”

Patton turns to look at him, smiling. “Okay kiddo! You gonna be home in time for dinner?”

Virgil shrugs. “I dunno. I’ll text you if not, ‘kay?”

Patton nods and goes back to watching the movie. Logan waves goodbye to him before watching the movie as well, and the front door shuts.

Virgil trots down the stairs, turning on the sidewalk to head towards Roman’s place. He actually doesn’t live that far from the park that Virgil likes to visit, so he won’t be walking for long. As he passes the park, he looks around at the various families and health-nuts dotting the playground and trails. He smiles lightly. It’s been such a good few months, despite some minor hiccups, and this is probably the best he’s felt since he left Dee. He still gets nightmares, and he still has panic attacks, but thanks to the support he has they’re becoming more of a rarity.

He passes the park and keeps walking until he makes it to an apartment complex that’s admittedly more high-end than the one he and Patton live in. He checks his phone to make sure he remembers the apartment number and climbs the steps once he finds the right building, knocking hesitantly. The door bursts open almost instantly to show an excited Roman in a white shirt and red flannel pajama bottoms. Virgil laughs.

“Dude, it’s like, almost noon.”

Roman steps aside to let him in, grinning. “So? This is my apartment, I do what I want.”

Virgil rolls his eyes. “Sure, okay.” He plops down on the couch and grins at Roman as he sits down next to him. “So what’re we watchin’?” Roman shrugs and grabs his remote, switching the TV to Netflix. “What do you feel like watching?”

Virgil groans and flops onto his side, his head in Roman’s lap. Roman runs his fingers through Virgil’s purple locks. “Why would you ask that? Now we’ll never pick a movie. We’re stuck in the ‘I don’t know, what do you wanna watch’ loop. You know I hate loops.”

Roman laughs. “Fine, how about The Little Mermaid?”

Virgil nods. “Sounds good.”

Roman puts the movie on and sets the remote aside, still running his fingers through Virgil’s hair as the movie starts. Virgil doesn’t bother telling him to stop or sitting up; he likes this, and he doesn’t get enough physical contact, in his humble opinion. He always feels awkward asking Patton for hugs, and he’s seemed kind of busy anyways. The two men watch the movie in relative silence, if you don’t include Roman singing along quietly. It’s nice to just spend time relaxing like this, not worrying, not stressing, no intrusive thoughts of the past or anxieties.

After the movie’s over, Roman gets up to make them some popcorn. He comes back to find that Virgil is still laying down, effectively in Roman’s spot, and rests the popcorn bowl on Virgil’s pelvis in retaliation. Virgil huffs and sits up, holding the bowl, and goes right back to laying in Roman’s lap once he’s seated. Roman puts on Pocahontas, relaxing back into his couch and grabbing a handful of popcorn as it starts. “And for the record I’m not playing the second movie after this. It’s contrived romance-forcing garbage.”

Virgil looks up with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. “Wow, I never thought I’d ever hear you say something negative about Disney.”

Roman huffs. “The sequel is horrible! They could have left well enough alone, but they just had to continue it and have Pocahontas fall for another man. It’s PocaSmith erasure!”

“...Poca...Smith…?”

“Shut up, it’s their ship name.”

Virgil laughs. “Whatever you say.”

Virgil is so relaxed by the time Pocahontas is over that he doesn’t realize which movie Roman chose afterwards until the music starts. Oh no. Oh, shit.

Beauty and the Beast.

Virgil took a deep breath. It was okay. It was fine. He just…. Had to keep calm. Yeah. He couldn’t tell Roman to change the movie; he’d ask why, and Virgil would have to tell him the truth because he’s such a bad liar, and then Roman would pity him, or be disgusted by him, or hate him for ruining Disney, or-.

Okay, no, that is not how you stay calm, Virgil. Deep breaths.

Roman lightly scratches at Virgil’s scalp. He can’t tell what’s going on in Virgil’s head, but he can sense how tense Virgil is and knows Virgil might need something grounding to focus on. Virgil would thank him if being grounded didn’t mean having to focus on the movie.

Belle walked down the path from her house into the village, singing the beginning song. His breathing picked up just slightly with the pacing of the song. He can do this. Concentrate. Breathe. Gaston is introduced, and Virgil feels like he’s going to be sick. He can feel the ghost of lips on his shoulder and neck. He rubs them roughly to chase off the feeling.

“Virgil? Are you okay?”

Virgil nods, forcing his voice past his lips. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Roman doesn’t look like he believes him, but he drops it.

Philip and Belle’s father enter the woods, and Virgil’s breathing starts to pick up again. He feels like he’s back on that couch with Dee, sitting quietly as the other bites and sucks marks into his neck. He sits up, the feeling of Roman’s leg against his cheek making him nauseous.

“Virgil?”

Virgil shakes his head. Belle starts singing. He can’t breathe. Roman says something, but he doesn’t hear it. All he can hear is Dee questioning him. “Are you saying you don’t love me, Virgil? That you don’t think I’m attractive?” Virgil whimpers and curls in on himself, clamping his hands over his ears and tucking his head between his knees.

“Virgil!”

Virgil lets out a choked-off scream, the sound absolutely pitiful and completely heartbreaking. The ghost of Dee’s hands on him, in him, is suffocating him, stealing his breath and making his thoughts spiral. Hands on him make him scream and he scrambles off the couch, his head smacking into the coffee table in his struggle. He distantly hears his name being called, but all he’s focused on is getting away, getting somewhere safe, getting away from Dee. His back presses into a corner and he curls in on himself again.

The noise from the TV stops, and soft footsteps shuffle closer. Virgil grips and pulls at his hair, scratches his neck and shoulders and arms, trying to chase off the ghost of Dee’s touch. Someone - Roman, Virgil’s foggy mind supplies - takes his hands to keep him from doing any more damage to himself.

“Virgil, you need to breathe. Come on, in for four, hold for seven, out for eight.” He leads Virgil through the exercise a few times until he’s breathing normally, though he’s still curled up in the corner. Roman frowns in concern, running his thumbs over Virgil’s knuckles. “Wanna talk about it?” Virgil has a far-off look in his eyes, but he blinks a few times and it goes away. He nods, glancing down at his lap.

“I uh… I don’t like Beauty and the Beast.”

Roman raises an eyebrow slightly. “Well I kind of got that… but why?”

Virgil’s face pinches, and Roman squeezes his hands reassuringly. Virgil takes a deep breath and starts explaining.

He explains how, a couple months before they met, he’d been watching Beauty and the Beast with Dee. He tells Roman that he’d tried his hardest to be good, and Dee rewarded him by putting on his favorite movie. His voice starts to waver as he describes how Dee used the movie to distract Virgil, pushing his boundaries until Virgil had to say something. He closes his eyes and tells Roman how Dee had questioned his love and pressured him into sex, how he hadn’t wanted it but he’d been terrified that Dee would beat him, or leave him. He cries as he tells Roman how Dee had gone in dry, how much it hurt, how Dee had ruined Be Our Guest and walked away when he was done.

Roman holds his arms open in a question, and Virgil hugs his friend tightly. Roman runs a hand through Virgil’s hair as he calms himself down again. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Virge…. Why didn’t you say something sooner? I would have changed the movie.”

Virgil whines. “I didn’t want you to…. Be disgusted, or… or think less of me.” Roman’s frown deepens and he sighs, sitting back on the heels of his hands.

“I told you about Remy, right?”

Virgil nods. “Yeah, a little. You told me he was… kind of like Dee.”

Roman nods.

“I met Remy back in my freshman year of college. He was loud, sassy, impulsive, had a horrible sense of direction, and was easily the most flamboyant person I’ve ever met. We hit it off instantly at a college frat party and our romance, as they say, was hot and heavy. We had more… physical chemistry than emotional, I think. Before I knew what was happening he was pressuring me into skipping classes to have sex, getting me drunk so I wouldn’t ‘harsh his mood’ and leave, dragging me to parties when I should have been studying or doing homework. I failed all my classes that semester, and had to retake everything. I was so mad at him, but I didn’t break it off.”

Virgil’s eyebrows were furrowed, looking angry and confused. “Why?”

Roman shakes his head, shrugging. “I’m not completely sure. I think, at the time, I told myself we could do better, that we could talk through our problems. I thought I loved him.

“As expected, things only got worse. I dropped out my third year because I was still struggling through classes. I tried to talk to Remy about all the partying, about being more responsible, getting a job since I wasn’t in college anymore. He didn’t really like that. He said if I got a job he’d never see me.”

Virgil flinches slightly at the familiar words.

“He started saying things that would make me doubt myself. I questioned every decision I made, from the outfits I wore to the food I cooked - Remy would always comment that I was getting fat. I started hating myself, hating how I looked, how I acted. I needed Remy to validate me, like I needed air. And when he would get mad at me and say something that didn’t even sound like an insult but it just had this tone and you knew you did something - I never hated myself more.”

Virgil chews on his lip, looking down at his hands. “So then…. How’d you leave him? I know that’s- I know it can be hard…”

Roman nods. “Actually, I was pretty lucky. He broke up with me.”

Virgil looks up, surprised. “Seriously?”

Roman nods again. “He said he was tired of how clingy I’d become. Found someone who was more self-assured, whatever he meant by that. I’m not sure. But! That was the end. It took… a while, but I recovered. And you’ll recover, too. I promise.”

Virgil smiles weakly. “Thanks, Ro.”

Roman stands, offering his hand to Virgil. “Of course. What do you want to watch?”

Virgil thinks as they walk back over to the couch and sit, Virgil leaning into Roman’s side a bit. “Moana?”

Roman smiles, wrapping an arm around Virgil. “Perfect.”

A/N: if I missed any tags/warnings, please message me!

love you kiddos, stay safe! <3

Taglist: @hungry-red-panda @neonb-fly @chemically-imbalanced-romance @punsterterry @unbefuckinglieveable @metaphoricalpluto2 @bunny222 @a-fander-named-skittles

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction #roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #remy sanders #deceit sanders #rape tw #alcohol abuse #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #panic attack

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deadmomjokes · 5 years

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Normal Anon Again 1: Your response was great, don't worry about a thing there. I just really feel stuck because Im still with my emotionally abusive family, and so I had to sneak to even see a doctor. I honestly felt like the doctor barely ever heard me at all, so even though she did prescribe an SSRI (not that she said what brand), I'm kind of scared to continue treatment with her. Because I made the notebook with a lot of care, she said I had OCD and did bring it up again later when I

had refuted it and tried to explain the notebook was just something I wanted to be well done for her. She didn't ever look at it either, so she based it off me buying little tabs and labeling them for ease of access and writing my name on the front I guess? I don't have a lot of money, as I don't have a job, and getting a job is the main reason I want to try medication... I basically have to move out by 2020 from my family, both by their desires and mine, so I'm on acrazy deadline to try to get my life together and I feel like I have no time to find someone new if I'm going to be looking to move away when all the apartments are renting. So it feels like if I want to try medication this is my one chance, but I don't feel like I can trust the doctor handling them. I don't know if I should just try to find a way to make my life work out for a couple months or give the medication a shot even though I don't trust the provider...I've got to worry about getting a job this month or being homeless too, which is why it feels so one or the other for my current situation. Thank you so much for all your feedback, sorry if this was a little messy being explained, I'm a bit frazzled yet, haha.

Oh man, I’m SO very sorry for everything you’re going through! You’re dealing with a ton, and this incident with Dr Garbage certainly didn’t help.

One thing that may be a possibility is going to a normal doctor, like a family medicine doc or general practitioner, and talking to them about your anxiety/depression problems. They can also prescribe psych medication, and it might be easier to pass off around your family and/or to find once you move, since a lot of offices partner or have networks that you can just transfer through. Anyone from a Nurse Practitioner to a PhD in general medicine can prescribe meds like an SSRI or even low-level mood stabilizers. (For my recently upped dosage, I went to a PA-C and they consulted with the folks at my obgyn, so I never even saw a psychiatrist. Tho I’m trying to get in with one anyway, but that’s way beside the point.)

I definitely understand you being unable to trust the current provider; she clearly didn’t hear you or take everything (anything?) into account. Anyone who comes to you from an emotionally abusive situation should warrant a ton of follow-up questions and in-depth probing. Even beyond that, just in general, taking stock of all the symptoms and reviewing any identified triggers is going to go a long way toward real diagnosis. Your notebook should have made her job a breeze, instead of her having to pick through your anecdotes of what happens when, she could just look at your notes! You were doing everything right; a therapist’s dream, honestly. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m still not that good at keeping tabs on my own symptoms and patterns. I’m enraged on your behalf, because when someone comes to you for help you should reach back out to them, not be prescriptivist even if you’re dealing with prescriptions.

If medication is something you’ve been considering for a while, and feel like it might be a good fit for you, it may be worth trying the current prescription even though the current doctor is garbage, since SSRIs are usually the first try medications anyway. But that always comes with risks, because sometimes the first try doesn’t really work out for you or your specific situation. But SSRIs as a category are pretty safe, and are used for anxiety disorders (including panic disorder and generalized anxiety), ptsd, depression, and ocd as well. So chances are even if you found a psych who did their job well (aka not labeling you ocd for being prepared), they were going to land on an SSRI as a first try, too. That definitely doesn’t make it an easy decision, tho. That nagging fear may always be with you if you try it anyway despite not really trusting her diagnosis, and that could add a layer of complexity to deciding whether the medicine is right for you. Especially if you end up needing to switch medication or dosage, having a doctor you trust from the outset is going to be important.

I obviously cannot tell you what to do, nor do I want to, or even think I should if I could, because personal situations are just that--personal. I would only caution that if you’re already having difficulty getting or doing a job without medical assistance (ie medication), that trying it under serious stress for a few months may do more harm than good as far as worsening your difficulties, or causing new ones. However, sometimes we aren’t in the position to make the “best” decision for our health because living takes precedence; I’ve taken plenty of jobs that wrecked my mind and body and I kept them anyway because I absolutely had to. So I’m not going to get on a high horse because I know exactly how hard it is, and the difficult decisions you have to make in order to survive. I’m just so very sorry you are in that position to make such a decision.

If you do decide to try the medication anyway, some tips on kind of “going it alone” since you won’t be able to/won’t want to go back to the original doctor:

Start at a lower dose than the full final dosage. If she didn’t prescribe a “titration” schedule, starting at half dose for a week is a good place to begin.

Understand that things might get worse before they get better. You might have horrible mood swings, really bad depressive days, or bad anxiety spells before you start seeing the true effects. This isn’t indicative of whether the medicine is going to work eventually, but if it becomes too much for you to deal with, you should stop anyway.

Side effects may come and go. Just worth noting.

If possible, have someone close to you who knows that you’re starting this medicine. Obviously not a family member given your situation, but if you have a friend or anyone you do trust in your immediate vicinity, or even a friend you communicate with long-distance, make sure someone knows. That way you have someone to report in to and who can check up on you as you adjust.

Start by taking them with food, even if it doesn’t have a nausea warning. I’d suggest evening meal or soon thereafter, because SSRIs often cause drowsiness at first (great for helping with insomnia tho!).

You’re probably going to have a full month or two before it reaches its peak effect, since this is your first time trying them. You might see some relief right away, but full efficacy takes time as it builds up in your system. If you can tolerate the side effects (or don’t have any), and you’re able to deal with the mood swings or psychiatric effects, stick with it at least 6 weeks.

Listen to that “don’t drive or operate machinery” warning. First-time-medication drowsiness is a special breed that sneaks up on you and also makes you feel WEIRD.

You can also see about filling the prescription and then researching the name on the label before you decide whether or not to take it. Or, if you have an online account with the pharmacy, as with CVS, you can see the name of the drug there, or even call the pharmacy she sent it to and ask them what the name of it was (”for insurance purposes” or “because I forgot which one it was”) and then research it on sites like Mayo Clinic and rxlist.com (don’t do webmd). These websites include lists of what it’s approved to treat, so if you’re fairly certain you actually have anxiety/depression, look for that on the list. Just know that all websites are essentially required to remind you that an SSRI (really any antidepressant or mood stabilizer) could worsen any suicidal thoughts or behaviors, though this is mostly a risk for the 24 and under crowd with emphasis on teenagers. And it doesn’t happen to everyone.

Should you decide not to do the medicine right now because of the doctor who prescribed it, I applaud you for your bravery and strength in facing both your uncertain future and your mental/emotional difficulties without the assistance you feel you need. That’s a hard, hard thing to do, and I wish it wasn’t a choice you had to make.

I’ll be sending good vibes, thoughts, and prayers your way as you’re dealing with so many transitions and difficulties. I know cyber hugs are kind of a dated internetism, and may not mean much, but I give you all the cyber hugs my cyber arms can muster.

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rogue-snorunt · 5 years

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Hi. I’m gonna unload here. Hope you don’t mind. I’m someone you’ve talked to before. I may seem pretty upbeat, if a bit anxious. In reality, I’m a mess. I’m depressed and angry. I get so mad. Then I get sad for being so mean. I keep what I really want to say hidden and let it burn in me. I should probably get a therapist, but I refuse to waste money like that because words don’t help me and I refuse to drug myself. I keep myself together for my son. Have a nice day. Sorry for bothering you.

this been in my inbox for a while, not because im ignoring it but because this is some heavy stuff and Im not a medical professional. Im sorry you feel like this homie and I get where you are coming from. I am a card carrying member of the sad kids club (TM) and I got some physical and mental health issues myself that Ive mentioned before Im sure: Manic Bi-Polar depression with ADHD So I can relate butthe following is going to be just like.. my thoughts and ideas and shit and like I just said, I am NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL, nor am I trained and licensed therapist etc...:I personally have alot of rage and sadness going but I think alot of it is PTSD from a childhood trauma and parents, one fucked up more than the other, who had no business being so and gave their kid some pretty intense complexes. Thank goodness for grandparents amIright?I am on medication and it took some trail and error but I found one that helps me alot and the side effects are almost 0. now obviously just because I am for medication and it helped me doesnt mean it works for everyone but theres alot of hate on meds and I just wanna say, the stigma of it is dumb. if you are willing to try it out, keep in mind that if one doesnt work for you that there are others out there that can. Ritalin worked but it amplified my temper and made me fatigued. Vynsense was wonderful and chilled me out but also made me tired. Im on concerta right now and its lovely, im chill and not tired because of it. but also if i miss a dose, I cant function. but like, hey man, I’ll take it.I love feeling like a real functional human bean :DI also had a therapist, lovely woman and the only reason I dont anymore is because she wanted to be able to spend more time with her daughter and help younger people like kids. I gotta get other but I keep forgetting D: it helped me alot to just be able to talk to someone and have someone call me out on my shit and give me ways to get better and deal. theres alot of stigma around that too and its really harmful and toxic. theres nothing wrong with it and my insurance covers it. they have programs for those that cant afford, it just takes alittle research and calling around to find out more, and it does help.dont be afraid to reach out for help from professionals homie, I really think it can help you even if its just the therapist bit.. it’ll be good for you and it’ll show your son that everyone needs help sometimes and theres nothing wrong or embarrassing about admitting that, asking for it and getting it.

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soap-brain · 6 years

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Also I do think Fury is dead too, been reading the review and in the post credits he is also murdered ... after AOU I was done with Marvel May I ask why you didn't Marvel ?

oh yeah i forgot him!! literally.... that’s so transparent @ marvel please be less obviously racist

and sure! so here goes, in completely non chronological order, a list of grievances under the cut

they literally swapped rhodey’s actor between im and im2 and were like “oh lol nobody will notice right bc all those black people look the same haha”

inconsistent,,,, fuckign,,,, writing,,,, ESPECIALLY of female characters. is natasha a femme fatale? is she actually just boobs? oh wait she has some skills!! oh no actually she is just a Body. wait she has trauma!! heck maybe that explains - oh no wait her abilities are Wearing High Heels and B00tysame with wanda: “i hate shield for these reasons - but now that my brother is dead (which shield can kinda be blamed for), i’d better join them bc they’re the good guys”gamora: “hello i’m a badass who don’t need no man, but actually i’m a whiny crying girl with a daddy complex, willing to sacrifice everything for my abuser”pepper potts. just.... everything about herjane foster... the swooning scientist who turns into a bitch and her characterization is “i don’t need no man!1!!1 oh wait he has a biceps”

benadryl calcium sulphate being cast

age of ultron. all of it. everything about it

“oh no what movie could we make? oh i know - let’s remake spiderman. again. who do we cast??? oh now i KNOW!! a nondescript white kid BUT!! this time he’ll at least not look 20 years too old”

“wow no i don’t think we could make a black widow movie... i don’t think people are interested in her character” yeah that’s because you didn’t write a character. you wrote a pair of boobs. maybe stop changing her hair style every movie and give her some fucking lines instead of a catsuit

sticking to comics is VERY IMPORTANT - unless it comes to portraying disabilities. so instead of that, we’ll give the character a wife, 2.5 kids and a picket fence

“oh shoot we need a plot! nevermind, i got it: adults not communicating. ever.”

tony stark’s entire character development happens off screen

“okay, tony stark might have ptsd, but the guy who was in a war and then time travelled and lost everyone he ever knew? nah, he’s just an asshole”

thor 2

the stakes are just????? getting so ridiculous. so in im, tony needed to make sure his company didn’t go into bad hands. in cap 1, steve needed to make sure parts of america didn’t get bombed. and suddenly the whole planet is at stake. several times. and THEN it’s half the universe, in a desperate attempt to make people care but??? i just??? can’t care??? half the universe is SO much more than i can ever comprehend but sure i guess it makes for more drama

tony “i was imprisoned once and it sucked” stark says we need to control superheroes, proceeds to imprison one because he personally thinks she’s too dangerous. more at 11

i’m sure all-seeing heimdall could NOT have seen thanos coming or anything because uhhh... magic?

it literally took them ten years to manage to write a female character that didn’t totally suck, and then only because taika waititi did it

shoot, someone put out a casting call for diverse people that are white, thin, normal looking and predominantly male

the part where they desperately needed to hype their new movie, thusly starting the team cap vs team iron man nonsense that i could write a whole fucking novel about bc wow lookie unnecessary drama for no reason other than to increase sales

generally the whole civil war thing was just so??? odd and nonsensical. on the one side you have tony stark, who consistently refused to hand over his super suit or be put in check by the government, suddenly calling for superheroes to be put in check; on the other hand, you have steve rogers who experienced that the us government cannot be trusted in tws suddenly believing that the us government will make things right again or something??? you have tony trying to guilt trip steve into agreeing to those accords by basically holding a gun to bucky’s head; you have tony suddenly trying to murder someone who was so obviously brainwashed and coerced into killing tony’s parents; the movie also tries really hard to go the “uwu generous tony stark” route but really, all i see is him giving to those mit graduates while there are SO many others who would need it more

all the random characters missing things... like.... ant man suddenly showing up in civil war but then never again. clint being here and gone the next moment toothor conveniently always off planet due to uhh bifrost problems?? him not wanting to come??sidekicks showing up in one movie but then not in the next bc they’re suddenly busy or something???

name one female character who hasn’t had some sort of relationship “defining” her

also name one female character that doesn’t wear tight, revealing clothes

so that’s just off the top of my head. also the jokes are getting very... predictable and standard fare. next they’ll have to add a laugh track or something

basically ever after the point if civil war was just this stupid “iron man vs captain america” thing that made everyone nut about it (and still has the team cap vs team iron man dichotomy going on) i just.... got so tired. it’s always like “but MY character has done THIS great thing while YOUR character is just the worst person to ever walk the planet!!1!”

and then the whole n*zi steve thing happened, which further lost marvel my trust, and then they announced infinity war, aka “we cast all these famous people who cost a lot of money, now praise us for our ingenuity”

and alsoooooo the movies are all starting to be... pretty much the same. exchangeable hero with their loyal sidekick are having a good time, but oh no, a Bad appears, the hero is disgraced / fallen for a while, then stands back up because they are a Hero. the message is Be A White Man, the jokes are standard Tough Male Comedy. there is at least one character characterized by either Boobs, Ass or Sex Scene To Introduce Boobs Wearing Character

also i mean there are my personal issues on why tony stark and all his grandeur and grand gestures actually mean shit but that’s kinda personal and i don’t wanna get into that

so there you have my off the top of my head criticism of marvel - racism, sexism, inconsistent and boring writing, inconsistent characterization, no character development, constantly making wild reaches for plot lines

(the only marvel movies i’ll stan forever are, in order of goodness (lowest to highest) tws, ragnarök, black panther)

#negativity #shroom-stories #silfreya #ask #answered

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self-destructing-sad-boi · 3 years

Text

Sometimes when my roomates talk about their family I wanna scream

Like they've got fucked up shit, dads who are physically there but checked out emotionally years ago, mams that are scared to let em go, had to grow up too fast to emotionally support a parents. Hell one of em ain't even got a mam no more bless her.

Even though Stephen left me I know (I'm pretty sure but could be wrong) that he's still alive. But a dead parent is...that's some tough shit when you're old never mind when you're a kid.

But still. They talk about their siblings. Their mas and their das. Their aunties and uncles and the endless numbers of cousins they all seem to have. And..I wanna scream.

I ain't got that. I ain't had that in years. And sometimes I just wanna yell cuz it feels unfair. I ain't got no da, me ma is...let's not. I only have brothers by blood and nothing more and the 1 sister I still talk to we sometimes dont speak for months.

I ain't got no cousins or uncles ot aunties. I tried texting me uncle Kev cuz it seemed he wanted me in his life again...but we talked the once and hes ignored me since..so maybe I just didn't measure up. I know I'm weird and awkward and rough around the edges (and fine. A fair bit of the centre too) but I didn't think I was that bad

I dunno man. It's just. It's late. And I'm tired but way too anxious to sleep.

I just. Even though their lives all sucked (as most peoples loves do, the unfortunate consequences of this thing called "birth") in different ways. I just. I wish I had that.

And I know that makes me a terrible person because you cant compare trauma and like life shitness but...I'd have liked emotional constipation and yelling over emotional constipation, yelling, physical abuse and the looming threat of social services and suicide that was my childhood.

Like. They have family photos and home videos.

My family is my mother (whole ass bag of crazy and We Don't Have Time To Unpack All Of That), my step dad (complex with a lower case c), my sister C (whole ass other bag of crazy mixed with "nah dude our childhood wasnt that messed up" "dude you literally moved out at 16 because you couldn't cope anymore". Which is a fun blend of weird victim blame gaslighting but also just genuinely repressed trauma and emotions) and my niece (I dont have anything bad to say because I love this child more than anyone on the planet. Only wish I could be a bette Uncle). But we are a family held together by string and weird emotional blackmail (with some genuine love underneath which is weird as). And like. A whole ass truck load of trauma.

I dunno if I'm making sense at this point. It's like half 5 in the morning and in still too anxious to sleep (Fuvk you PTSD memories!) And I'm sad and I feel alone even though I have people who love me I just. I dont want them too because I'm like a weird tuffed of mold on out of date cream cheese and just. You shouldnt love mold. And I'm not really sur what yo do with genuine love and kindness, I never have been it's just very weird and foreign to me even after years of developing friendships and just

.blegh. when people are too nice to me I want to punch them in the face which isnt normal but its liek "shut the fuck up and just tell me either A.How you plan to emotionally fuck me or B.tell me what the fuck you want" and again I'm very aware that that is not healthy.

Im in that oddly hellish in between of "I've had enough therapy to very easily see my unhealthy behaviours, thoughts and coping mechanism" and "but I haven't had enough to properly fix that or really so anything about it". So now in in the limbo of *looks at self* "welp. That's just a whole lot of fucking oof there dude but I dunt know what you want me to do about it". Which is a hard emotion to properly convey to most people

Again. This is a very late jifht/early morning ramble and I dont expect to have made an ounce of sense but fuck it.

#vent post #vent #again this is my void where i come to screm when i dont want to talk to people because people are weord fleshy meat bags if feelings #and i cannot cope with that right now #so imma go hide like the goblin I am and hooe no one looks at me today

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scriddleraesth-blog · 6 years

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nothing else is helping today so im gonna just start talking about my agender jon if thats ok

- a lot of chest scarring. most of it looks potentially self-inflicted.

- not particularly fond of labels since none of them seem to cover the sheer amount of nuances neurodivergence contains or the inbetweens

- apart from that jon usually describes their neurodivergence as ‘atypical complex sensory-impaired ptsd with bpd neurosis’ to those who bother to ask or pry too much

- jon started out with autism as a kid. it caused them to hyperfixate on things like sounds of words, industrial machinery, and oily textures, which resulted in a lot of cases of jon getting into whatever oily substance they could find and often trying to pull apart the tractor to see how it worked.

- their parents didnt believe in any sort of mental disorders, were hardcore southern christians that believed all problems with a persons brain were to be prayed away

- jon was put through three exorcisms. one of the priests involved eventually went to prison for. something else. the other two, one of them was an alcoholic and hanged himself years later and the third moved to a different state.

- when jon was first travelling to gotham they saw a cross along the side of the road and ended up driving their car straight into a telephone pole from the ensuing flashback. they refused medical care and hitchhiked the rest of the way. their neck still has three hairline fractures that healed badly, leaving them unable to turn their head too far.

- jon has befriended eight crows with food and shiny things.

- jon spent 4 years working at an ice cream stand in wildwood nj before driving to gotham for college. forged several documents to even be able to go to college, since they’d dropped out of school at age 15 to run away from home and never got a chance to get their GED. ended up having 5 years of college before the university caught wind and ended up just giving jon the test for their GED since itd been 5 years and jon had such a high GPA

- jon had a couple of names before they settled on jon. theyd tried ‘reginald’ out for a week before switching it to ‘reggie’ for four months, then realized people were assuming it was short for ‘regina’. ‘torrence’ lasted almost a year until people started calling them ‘tori’.

- jon used to take advantage of their hair color to hide in the straw

- jon has an untreated orbital fracture in their left eye from when they were 10 going on 11. they wear schlera blackout contacts specifically to cover the permanent blood stain in their left schlera to avoid comments on it. their vision wasn’t 20-20 before that, but now they require glasses or strong contacts to be able to see depth properly. they have to physically tilt their head up and down to see up and down since their left eye has trouble doing so on its own.

- jon’s schlera blackout contacts are perscription and they get them from an eye doctor. pretty sure the doctor knows theyre scarecrow. dont know how the doc feels about this. actually pretty sure their eye doctor might be Quilt. idk

- jon fucking loves counting crows and sheryl crow. amazingly not because they both have crow in the name. no seriously listen to this music please and tell me this wouldnt be in any scarecrows playlist i dare you

- jon has the shittiest fucking pure black fake metal tree they put up every holiday for winter solstice. it has orange lights and a popcorn garland and candy corn garland too. the tree topper is a fucking jack o lantern and theres fuckin fake crows in it. everywhere.

- jon is a wiccan and favors rock based minerals over crystal based minerals. their religious practice ties in with their PHD and knowledge of minerals.

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the-no-good-moonite · 6 years

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cortana, find “how to remove STD”

So yeah here’s my thoughts on Star Trek Discovery as of the ninth episode:

its ugly, sounds like trash, is terribly badly written and probably smells weird if in a physical format

but allow me to elaborate a bit a lot

the sound and visuals are the smaller problem admittedly; I like plenty of things that looked arse when they were first made and look like double arse now, so if the writing wasn’t so bad I would be willing to accept this as a flaw of the series and concentrate on the rest of it. as it stands...

the music just kind of being “there” is nothing new (see: large chunks of the other series), but it’s still disappointing. the sound design being terrible on top of that? that’s trash. nearly every time a ship opens fire we get minor variations on generic and ill-fitting turbolaser sounds... I mean come the fuck on. you don’t want to be restricted by tradition, go nuts, but if that’s the best you’ve got to offer you shouldn’t have

(I realise that choice is likely a result of a directive from on high and not entirely the sound team’s doing, but it’s still executed poorly)

as for art direction... well, John Eaves is a very poor choice for how much they’re giving to him (most of starfleet it looks like? not sure who’s doing the klingons but what little I can see of them isn’t impressing me either). I don’t hate his stuff outright like some people do, but he’s very “safe” and has exactly one aesthetic that has worn out for me and compares badly to what they’re making it contemporary to here

the art direction in general is quite bad though - there’s so much nebulous shit that glows blue in the same kind of way that it legitimately confuses as to whether or not it is the same thing - and the way it’s all shot is boring and unremarkable at best.

(and oh look, it’s another trek villain who has a colour scheme of mostly metals and neon green. get the fuck out of here)

the... space fight choreography (not sure what else to call it?) is absolutely the worst part though, it’s almost claustrophobic, everything’s jammed together like it happening in a bloody fish tank. the camera has no great desire to give us a clear view of what’s happening, or of any object other than the discovery and the ship of the dead. they almost appear to be going out of their way to avoid giving a clear look at anything else, which makes me think they’re not being given the time or budget to make models that will withstand close examination... which would be expected, but still laughable as ever

the spore drive and all the effects associated with it are ugly as sin and conceptually terrible also; I will accept no dissent on this point

sets and props are kinda “eh”, but i’ve not seen anything overtly wobble, and that’s apparently the only metric that matters so uh, good job there

so! the writing. the horrible, horrible writing.

I’m going to mostly ignore the actual dialog here, because while it is deserving of flak, it’s mostly stock phrases and interactions you’ve seen significantly better or worse versions of. so not a lot to actually say about it. I don’t like much of it and the attempts at humour are pretty lame.

what I take issue with is the overall construction of it... like they’re doing a “maybe the federation isn’t right about how it does things?” kind of thing and im onboard with that, asking questions on if the federation is really what it presents itself as has potential. but they’re not actually asking any specific questions.

and this kind of attitude pervades the whole show; there’s vague noises about stuff - maybe both sides are wrong - or whatever and the odd “aren’t we explorers?” but ultimately the show has little to no opinion on any of it (or doesn’t yet anyway), just making enough of an effort to try and get you to think it does, and then let you fill in the answer you agree with most...

if it sounds like im leading in to a “intellectually hollow centrist liberal” kind of comparison, you fucking bet I am, because that’s pretty much what it feels like to me

I mean I expect someone’s going to try and claim they’re just going for moral ambiguity, but I struggle to think of many actual examples of that in anything, and it DEFINITELY looses any claim to such when you have characters being told that actually no, Their War Crimes Were Entirely Justified and then nobody says any different

(star trek has no substantive claim on moral consistency, but that’s just fucking indefensible, and it shouldn’t be left even slightly ambiguous if Lorca was in the right for saying that. which is kind of a recurring problem with that character, contradictory as that may appear for me to say that right after my previous comment...)

then you’ve got the portrayal of the klingons as man-eating space orks... who are doing a holy war... even if that didn’t conflict horribly with the (for star trek) more complex portrayals of klingons in the past, on it’s own it feels like it’s undermining the claims to progressiveness just a little bit

(well it’s part holy war and part MQGA [Make Qo'noS Great Again] but you know what I mean)

and plotwise now we’re doing... voyager? maybe in the mirror universe? I don’t know. I guess they won’t stick with it for long enough to redo voyager’s worst mistakes but why am I having SG:U flashbacks all of a sudden

funnily enough I actually like SG:U more than discovery, though that may be partly not having watched it since it aired

lost my train of thought here, uh, characters bad?

or some characters bad anyway. I like maybe half of them to some degree actually, despite the dialog and how inconsistent the portrayal of nearly everyone is in between - or within - any episode (another old problem for trek, but it’s really grating with the format here)

there’s plenty to criticise though; i’m really unsure the writers have any clear idea of what Tilly’s “deal” is (only socially awkward? on a spectrum? just “weird”? who can say!) or if Stamets is an asshole or a just good-hearted grump... there’s other things like that. maybe they’ve detailed stuff in interviews, but the show itself is terrible at communicating any clear intent

but Michael and Voq’s fake personality Ash are definitely the worst characters, so i’ll focus on them

I will maintain that Michael’s backstory is rubbish, making her Spock’s secret sister is amazingly unnecessary rubbish. on top of that, we’re told she’s a top of the line member of starfleet which is then immediately undercut by her doing something stupid and reckless that almost gets her killed (after which she then presumably irradiates everything between sickbay and the bridge...) followed by doing something stupid and reckless that gets a lot of people killed and starts a war! this is arguably the most prominent trait of the character

she kind of comes off as a suicidal maniac, is my point. Captain Georgiou is quick to jump to a suicidal option too (and im just gonna say... most prominent asian person in the series to date... suggests a suicide attack...)

does this version of starfleet just not do psych tests until you hit admiral? of the two that have actually done things we’ve had two walk into obvious traps, but one of them seems comparatively well adjusted

anyway, so we’ve got Michael, a pet character of some writer who changes personality every other scene and totally not Voq, we swear and Ash. who is about the most blandly likeable love interest possible, and definitely Voq infiltrating starfleet, how long are they gonna drag this secret cylon constructed memories bullshit out just bloody kill me already and also a survivor of sexual abuse (and torture) with PTSD.

they heavily implied this was the case when they introduced the character, and then in episode 9 it was confirmed explicitly by the character in question... that’s all fine, feels like a bit of a cheap grab so they can be a “mature“ story but let’s see how it plays out... and oh.

they went and showed (what was framed as but aren’t necessarily) the events in question. this is, at best, tasteless and inappropriate

now, i’m not going to say they’re going to handle this in the worst way possible, but what they’ve done so far is making me really fucking uncomfortable! I do not have faith that this will resolve even remotely well

and then there’s the whole thing where his memories are likely 100% manufactured as cover, which has a good chance of giving this whole situation an unpleasant taste all on it’s own

I also really had no need to see these new klingons naked anyway, or any naked klingon really, and in context cable drama nudity is absolutely the worst thing they could’ve copied from game of thrones without thinking about it

anyway, that’s [however many, I don’t want to check] badly formatted and often grammatically incorrect words to say:

The show is bad. You disagree? Ok. I disagree with you. Now nobody is happy. I would prefer to be happy. I am not.

Goodnight.

#star trek #discovery

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thenightisland · 7 years

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you know the drill:

this is becoming like its own series but idk how else to explain this awful year i don’t even feeling like properly linking so here’s just the URLs of the other ones in the series: 1. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/161087786689/explanationsupdates-under-the-cutmore-i 2. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/161920216354/additional-updatesexplanations-under-the-cut 3. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/163767959805/updates-under-the-cutmore-post-one-post-two-on 4. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/164398486219/on-the-fourth-edition-of-what-the-fuck-is

one of the assessors got jumped a while back. she was just walking past a pt in the main assessment dept and he jumped up, punched her in the back of the head, took her to the ground and beat the fuck out of her. she was out for weeks and weeks and had broken facial bones. i can’t believe she didn’t quit.

our nurse executive quit though. not like, went prn or gave two weeks notice, like just straight up was like I’M DONE and walked out which honestly is the closest i’ve ever come to respecting him.

while having more psychologically unstable pts isn’t new, having more medically unstable pts has been a problem lately. like our crash cart is not like a medical hospital’s crash cart it’s like. an ambu bag some iv supplies and a stethoscope no lifesaving medications. when a pt has a medical issue we send them out to a medical hospital because obv we don’t have the resources to treat complex medical issues where we work. which didn’t used to be an issue because you’d used to see maybe two medical codes a year on my unit. we’ve had /ten/ since my last update post /just on my shift/. two of which weren’t even “pt is going downhill fast” codes they were “pt has no heartbeat and isn’t breathing” like we had to fucking bring two people back from the goddamn dead /within ten minutes of each other/. we’re all like we’re psych nurses man if we wanted to do this shit we’d work er. [and the er we’re required to send these pts to is awful like they sent us back a guy who had almost died twice in three days who had an /untreated brain tumor/ bc obv he’s totally fine]. or we’ve been doing mash unit style medicine like the suicidal kid with partial thickness burns all over his chest and neck that literally no one was doing anything about. we were debriding burns with a mixture of different PO IM and SQ drugs to achieve the same effect as IV morphine because debriding is extremely painful but not doing it will just make things worse and no one else seemed to care so we just fucking did it. like we’ve done so much medical nursing lately. like the one with the uncontrolled severe seizures that led to the medical hospital labeling her first break schizophrenia despite no family history of mental illness but /five different medical issues that all cause psychosis/. or the one they let on the unit despite being on the do not readmit who has untreated hiv that he actively tries to give to other people and /active tuberculosis/. or the one with the aneurysm. or the one with severe CHF. and on and on and on. and remember: we’re not the most medically unstable unit in the hospital because we have a 40 bed /geriatric psych unit/ so you can imagine the kind of pts /they’re/ getting. on the plus side, all of our ten odd codes lived.

my personal life is still a goddamn mess, of course, but that’s a given. don’t even know where to begin with all that. and i can’t talk about a lot of it which makes it that much more fun.

i had an entire crisis about the odyssey [which tbh is still kind of going on even after /weeks/] because i’m getting so cagey in memphis because i fucking hate this town. and i just got back from new orleans which is the closest thing i have to an ithaca at the moment and it killed me to come back to this fucking city.

i’m also really paranoid right now because after i come back from vacations, something terrible always happens and i’m not exaggerating it’s like clockwork to the point that the bad things have all happened between friday and sunday after i’ve returned from my vacation, each time, without fail. well that would be this weekend so i am just waiting to see what great horrors await me this goddamn time. [last time, it was the whole coworker killed in vehicular homicide thing]. but i guess paranoia isn’t the right word. you’re only paranoid if you’re wrong, and my life has already set the precedent. so i guess anxious is the better word.

the anxiety is increased given that my mother has been out of work all week because they’ve had trouble regulating her blood sugar and so she’s been really sick and even said so herself she’ll probably end up in the er over the weekend because she doesn’t think she can make it till her next doc appt because she’s miserable, and she’s already been in the er once when this weird shit started happening a month or so ago so the Vacation Curse has me even more concerned than usual, which is saying something.

there’s a new psych doc working now and everyone is really unsettled by him and we’re pretty sure he’s a genuine psychopath like completely without exaggeration and he’s already done a lot of really creepy things to/with staff members and one nurse said in passing “i’ve known a lot of doctors like him he’ll end up fucking a pt at some point” which we initially left to hyperbole but he’s been doing shit like transporting female pts to other units without the staff’s consent in his own car which is like all kinds of not allowed, and the way he talks to some of the staff is just downright rapey honestly. and so we had a rough case this summer who, through the combined efforts of my squad, we got her from a diagnosis of intellectual disability with schizophrenia, nonverbal, self harming all the time, history of physical and sexual abuse, constantly in restraints and on a 1:1 obs level to a new diagnosis of autism spec with ptsd because her “hallucinations” were /flashbacks/ and she ended up very social and verbose and like fucking read william blake for fun and had a great sense of humor and was off all special observations and had a transfer to another facility pending so she could get more 1:1 long term therapy, and the creepy doctor was covering her case while her actual doc was out of town and he rode all the way to the other hospital with her which is another thing you do not do, and we found out from a coworker that she is now a /2:1/ [two staff members within arm’s reach 24/7], self harming again, in full shutdown/meltdown mode, and nonverbal. and it was such a rapid deterioration that all of us lost sleep over the possibility that this creepy doctor might have done something because even after she was at the other hospital and therefore no longer our pt, /he kept going to see her/. which fucked us up a lot because we were the ones who worked so hard for so long with her. like even the thought of it.

recently had 25th birthday so naturally had a crisis about that because i’d always said my goal was to be out of memphis by 25 and yet here we are.

another of our fave pts, esp one of /my/ fave pts, died out of literally nowhere. the day before my birthday. so that was great.

also felt really surreal to see the news about the convictions in the holly bobo case, which i found out about when one of my coworkers was reading the news on his phone during a lull one night i forgot that to him and everyone else it’s a national news story [hell it even has its own wikpedia page] but to me it’s just /holly/ because she was /in the class above me in our nursing program/. my first semester in college i remember seeing her face on missing posters on every building on campus. so it was really a weird moment of dissociation for me. glad the motherfucker was found guilty on all charges, obv.

the tech of mine who got his skull slammed into the floor, the one who’s been out with what can only be called severe psychological trauma, is supposed to be coming back the third week in october. which i just. i mean i’m glad because he’s one of our best guys, but i’m also like /why the fuck would he come back/ because he could be a fucking english professor again. motherfucker spent part of his youth growing up in italy and montreal, lived on the west coast for years, /was/ a college professor, did time as a script doctor in LA, and was a fucking thriller novelist who just gone girled himself for whatever reason and ended up working with us. there’s literally a reddit thread asking if anyone knows what happened to him and i want to be like don’t worry it’s fine he works with me. but so we’re like why would you come back to this place after what happened to you when you have so many other options available to you????? what are you running from that makes you so desperate to keep centering your life around a locked acute psych ward???? why did you gone girl yourself to begin with??? like he was screwed up enough there for a while that he wasn’t even answering his calls or texts and our boss had to send the police to do welfare checks on him because he lives alone so it’s like man why not go back to the life you had before and /get away from all of this/ it’s not like my situation where i’d rather be living a different life but have never done so, he already has the foundation because he’s already lived a different life he has an in that i don’t have and i can’t for the life of me figure out why he thinks working as an acute pysch tech is the better option.

but i mean. we /do/ call our unit the hotel california for a reason.

#karen's adventures in trying to sort her life out #this got longer than i intended whoops

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