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#is that dean wants him too

writinginthesecrettrees · 5 months

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Dean Winchester meets Cordell Walker and is immediately obsessed. And gets him naked in record time.

Sam walks in on it and the instant rage! Because Benny... well. Whatever, they bonded in Purgatory, it's fine. But this guy...

He looks like Sam. He looks exactly like Sam. And Sam can handle unrequited love, he can handle Dean fucking everything on two legs throughout the continental US, he even handled it when he found out Dean was cool with fucking dudes...

but this.

Dean is cool with fucking this guy, this guy who could be Sam but isn't, but he's never even looked at Sam...

Sam can't handle this.

#wincest #dean/cordell #what sam doesn't know #is that dean wants him too #and doesn't think sam could ever be screwed up the same way he is #and his obsession with cordell is because it's almost like having sam #the way he really wants him #requited unrequited love

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sammygender · 1 month

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thinking about dean growing up and putting everything before himself. hunting and his brother and his dad and his dad’s revenge quest for their mom. he doesn’t matter. he is entirely irrelevant. thinking about dean internalising this as just what you do, just how people behave and how they should behave. him viewing selfish as the worst thing you can possibly be.

then thinking about sam growing up and fighting. brave enough to challenge their father and rebel against him and voice something different, brave enough to focus on what he wants. dean seeing this and it stings - he could never do that. how is sam acting like that? he can’t believe that’s the right way to behave. so sam must be selfish, just in believing he has any right to his own life.

dean sublimates himself for the family and expects sam to do the fame, and his resentment and jealousy that sam doesn’t turns into anger and making sam out to be the mean one, the one in the wrong. and this never goes away. this is always what dean levels at sam - that he’s selfish, that in wanting to make his own choices he’s rejecting their family, rejecting dean……. awful. toxic. evil evil message to send to sam. entirely in character. dean wants to prioritise sam, would save him over the world. but he doesn’t care what sam wants.

selflessness isn’t always a charming character trait. it’s not the same thing as a generosity of spirit and it’s definitely not the same thing as being caring. sometimes selflessness just means you’re incapable of prioritising your life and incapable of understanding how anyone else could or should prioritise theirs. sometimes it means you still act selfishly, you just convince yourself you were objectively in the right, because doing something actually for yourself is unthinkable. sometimes it means you think the very act of having wants and boundaries is selfish, no matter whether they’re yours or anyone else’s.

anyway… thoughts on dean’s specific brand of awfulness regarding sam. what does it matter to him what sam actually wants? since when did it ever matter in the winchester household what anyone wanted? dean had to deal with things he didn’t want for the mission (for john). sam has to deal with things he doesn’t want for the mission (for dean). augh. the cycles

#& what do they get for that? sam gets punished repeatedly for being brave and attempting to have any sense of agency #it’s taken from him repeatedly by everyone around him. hes violated in every possible way. him wanting his own life is framed as selfishness #i can’t stop thinking abt this. Am i dean winchester am i on the pathway to becoming him #it makes so much sense now. of course sam is everything to me. i always always latch onto characters who fight who try to say fuck you i am #worth something. and that’s what sam tried to do. it just didn’t work. the story wears him down too much. augh.#the story + his abused/abusive brother #spn is a horror story #dean winchester #this is written with love but it is very much hashtag dean critical #spn #meta #supernatural #sam winchester #spn meta

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nekoshi13 · 6 months

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I know we needed the Empty to have beef with Cas so one of the trio had another awful deal shoved on them and so he could die dramatically for Dean the following season but can you imagine if it went the other way around?

Like, the Empty just wants to sleep and Cas is annoying and noisy, why would it want him there? What if instead he just got fucking banned from angel afterlife?

Imagine the Empty coming for Jack in heaven and Cas tries to fight it and the Empty is just like "fuck! the annoying guy is here, pretend you didn't see me, gotta flee before he starts talking to me" and they get Jack back genuinely for free

Imagine Billie getting into that room where this time Dean and Cas have no plan more than going down fighting and she goes for Cas and after mortally wounding him she snaps him away to the Empty like she did that one time with Jack, so there's no body and she turns to Dean who is trying to grapple with his shock and grief while also wanting to kill her for this but then they hear something colliding with the shelves and Billie turns around and Cas is there again, alive and looking like he just got thrown very hard so she's like "this is impossible, how did you do it?" and Cas just blinks, bewildered at what just happened to him "it seems I am too annoying and have been banned from dying"

So Cas just keeps shielding Dean from every attack and the Empty gets increasingly annoyed until it's throwing Cas straight against Billie so she will just stop sending him and... she dies, eventually, because Cas is literally too annoying to die

#I am really unable to write a short post eh?#taking the “Cas annoying cosmic beings into doing what he wants” thing to another level #He is now immortal #at some point some demon or angel or random enemy will try to stab him with an angel blade and be like “what are you???”#Cas: “Too annoying to die it seems”#supernatural #spn #destiel #deancas #casdean #castiel #dean winchester #the cat rambles

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m1zumono · 1 year

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dean winchester and autism because this man is autistic and i will not accept otherwise:

his reaction to sam giving him the giant slinky at the end of 7x14 'plucky pennywhistle's magical menagerie'

actually physically stimming when he enters the bunker with sam in 15x14 'last holiday' and sees the christmas decorations

the boxing episode, 11x15 'beyond the mat', where dean spends the entire episode fanboying and (for lack of a better word) plays in the boxing ring

wearing the same thing (flannel, jeans, in earlier seasons the leather jacket) almost all of the time while not in disguise to work cases

eating the same thing (cheeseburger with extra onions or pie) at almost everywhere they go, as often as he can (about dean winchester and food, i could talk about that for hours he has so many issues with it and it's all john winchester's fault)

his ability to recite movies line for line, and his tendency to communicate almost entirely through references and movie quotes, and expecting people to understand what he means

about references, he makes jokes and references when it's not appropriate, he doesn't understand that something isn't appropriate in a situation where it isn't specifically pointed out to him, and he generally has a pretty messed up sense of empathy and inability to 'read the room'

‘you’re always calling me a geek, but you know every word to every led zeppelin song, backwards and forwards. you can discuss in detail every major rock drummer between ’67 and ’84… and you watch ‘jeopardy!’ every night.’ - directly quoted from sam winchester in 14x20 'moriah'

in 13x06 'tombstone' when they go into the motel and dean talks about the cowboys, identifying all of them and going into quite a bit of detail about a few of them, even though nobody asked him about it and he is absolutely infodumping. 'he really likes cowboys.' 'yes. yes, he does.'

his knowledge of cars, particularly baby, and how he takes her for a ride when he's sad because of the comfort she provides him. also about baby and comfort, the way he offers to let people drive baby when he realises that they're sad, thinking it'll make them feel better as she makes him happy and he doesn't understand how else to help

in 1x03 'dead in the water' he talks to lucas about how he didn't speak as a kid, he plays with the toy soldiers and it doesn't come across as playing with them to make lucas trust him, it actually comes across as him finding genuine enjoyment in it

in 1x15 'the benders' when he's talking to the kid who mentions godzilla, dean brightens immediately and goes off topic talking about his favourite godzilla film, and has to be reminded that he's working a case by sam

the entirety of 14x04 'mint condition', how dean gets to express his interests and be himself and how a lot of people have mentioned that he seems to be genuinely himself in that episode instead of the act he puts on

larping with charlie, no explanation needed

he shuts down when things go badly, often blasting music and ignoring everything and everyone around him

he always picks scissors when playing rock, paper, scissors, and it's actually something that comes up multiple times within the show - in 2x17 'heart', sam says, 'dean, always with the scissors,' and along the same lines, his excitement both times he actually wins the game

in 1x04 'phantom traveller', dean is terrified because of the plane and sam points out that he's humming metallica. he replies that it calms him down, and that just seems very autistic

#spn #supernatural #dean winchester #autism #autistic dean winchester #actually autistic #he's autistic because i'm autistic and i relate to everything here way too much for him to not be #i actually don't care if half of these things aren't specific to autism #i relate to them and i'm autistic and i think those two things are linked so they are now #heavy emphasis on the routines with the clothes and food #also heavy HEAVY emphasis on the few times we get to see him be a nerd #mostly the scene where sam calls him out on it because this man is a nerd and i just want that to be known #to be fair the entirety of tfw 2.0 is autistic #sam dean jack and cas #the four flavours of autism #and about castiel and autism because i'm not making a separate post just for this #i always see it get played off as 'he's an angel he literally isn't human he's not autistic he's just not human'#one misha says you're wrong and that he's autistic #and two none of the angels are like that? like yeah they don't tend to get sarcasm but the level of that is almost exclusive to castiel and #he's weird even by angel standards #the gay angel is autistic #they're also all trans but that's a different conversation #this is way too many tags i'm clicking post goodbye #meta

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stellaluna33 · 2 months

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Ok, so here's one of MY unpopular Gilmore Girls opinions: I don't believe that Rory only stayed with Dean to keep everyone else (including her mother) happy. I don't. I think she did love him IN SOME WAY. Was she "IN Love" with him? It's hard to say. But she genuinely cared about him, enjoyed his company enough to want to be friends with him after breaking up, and... I do think there were some aspects of their relationship that she genuinely liked and wasn't sure she wanted to give up. I know a lot of people hate Dean (I'm not fond of him myself), but this isn't about MY preferences or YOUR preferences, it's about RORY'S, and when I look at the actual show without filtering it through my own wishes, that's what it looks like to me, especially given the way she kept comparing Dean to Jess after she started dating him. Rory wouldn't have done that unless there were parts of that relationship she missed! According to what Rory herself said, she LIKED the way Dean made her feel cared for and important. Even his jealousy and clinginess, which did bother her, could be explained away because they were "symptoms" of how "important" she was to him! He WANTED her! He wanted her more than Rory wanted him, actually, and sometimes? Sometimes that's an intoxicating thing, especially when you HAVEN'T always felt wanted. He made plans and took her out and made her feel "spoiled" (Rory's words!), and that made her feel special! She may not have been "in love" with him in a grand, all-consuming, passionate kind of way, but she liked "being his girlfriend" a lot of the time.

This is why I think she wavered so much when she did fall in love with Jess. Because despite the things she would gain from choosing Jess (the all-consuming, passionate kind of love, deep connection and companionship), she would be giving up (and hurting!) someone she felt a lot of affection for! And also giving up the ease of dependability, familiarity, and yes, someone who fit neatly into the life and relationships she already had. I think she was almost prepared to do so when Jess moved back to Stars Hollow "for her," but when he appeared to move on so quickly with Shane, it made her doubt whether Jess wanted her as much as she wanted him, and that felt dangerous. Why give up someone who clearly DID want her, to chase after someone who might not?

Yeah, anyway... I feel like I've wandered a bit, but the bottom line is: I really do think it was only a little bit about pleasing her mom, and a lot to do with how Dean was good at making her feel wanted, even if it was to a toxic degree.

#Gilmore Girls #Rory Gilmore #Do I dare tag Dean Forester? 😬#Jess- as much as I adore him!- was sometimes either too distracted or too worried about protecting himself #To make Rory feel wanted #I'm not trying to 'blame' ANYONE for any of this #But it's a genuine factor in the dynamic here

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urne-buriall · 2 months

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so you've told me now you like sotw alternate realities. well here's the river scene were Dean opens up to Cas about John's abuse way ahead of schedule, mere days after the 4th of july:

“There are things I want to tell you,” said Cas, “and questions I want to ask. But I’m never sure if I can.”

“What do you mean?” asked Dean.

“Sometimes I want to tell you about my family because I think you understand,” said Cas. “Other times… I’m just not sure.”

“You could tell me if you wanted,” said Dean. He wished Cas would say. He wanted so badly for Cas to trust him. “It wouldn’t change anything. You’d still be my friend, no matter what you said.”

Cas slowly nodded his head. “Right,” he said. He turned again. Started walking. “I don’t want to burden you. And like I said, talking isn’t my strength.”

There had been a test and Dean failed it. He was sure of it. He just didn’t know what he’d done wrong. Had he come on too strong? Had he seemed insincere?

Maybe he was supposed to offer something first. Maybe he needed to be the one to break open that levee, the one that would never close again. To find out if they shared anything, perhaps it was on Dean to say, my dad beats the shit out of me and has since I can remember.

“Cas, wait,” said Dean. He caught up with Cas, then continued walking. He didn’t quite look over his shoulder as he said, “I’ll tell you.”

At the river. He needed to be still, not in this in-between space on the path.

And as he walked, feeling Cas trail slowly after him, studying Dean, he wondered what he was about to do. How would he say it? Could he really confess this? Could he trust Cas with it?

He went to a rise above the river, where grass and clover turned into a straight-edged bank a few feet above the water. He took off his boots and set them aside, bare feet coming to rest in the cool green clover.

Cas came beside him and cautiously did the same. Dean wrapped his arms around his knees, unable to look at Cas next to him. Nearly shoulder-to-shoulder.

They’d sat like this the day of the rainstorm, talking idly before the downpour. That night, Cas stayed over and wore Dean’s clothes. Had stripped to nearly nothing on the covered porch, skin gold in the light and shining with rain.

Dean buried his face in the crook of his arm and tried to forget that.

“Dean?” said Cas, patience giving way to desperate curiosity.

Cas would say he seemed upset again. And if Dean took an outside look at himself, it was laughable to try and deny. He lifted his head.

He’d promised to tell Cas. It was the only way to find out more about Cas in return, and it was something Dean wanted badly enough that it brought him here. He was going to risk everything. For Cas.

“It’s my dad,” he said, surprised by the weakness of his own voice. Shaky, hoarse.

Cas looked Dean over carefully as he waited for more. He gave a faint nod.

“He’s… Tough.” That could be taken so many ways and Dean knew it. “On me,” he added, like it clarified anything. “Sometimes.”

Cas didn’t shift his posture, but the lines of his face became more deliberately contained. He took a moment to say, clear and even, “Does he hurt you?”

Dean looked sharply to the water. Only because his eyes began to burn, because he was losing his grip on the control he thought he had. He wasn’t supposed to cry over this. He was supposed to bear it. He was just going to state a fact, a fact he had lived with for so long and was strong enough to deal with. And it would have been different if Cas asked ‘does he hit you?’ but instead he’d said hurt, and that was a different question, wasn’t it? It was supposed to be easy to say hit, yes and move on without the impact of that action. But hurt made it so much more lasting.

He winced, trying to find another way around the answer, but then he nodded, a concession timed with the tears that came bitter and fast. He quickly bowed his head into his arms, not enough to hide the catching sound his breath made as he tried not to choke on this feeling.

He wasn’t supposed to be so upset. He wasn’t supposed to be this reactive. He wasn’t dead, it was nothing worth crying over.

Cas’ arm wrapped around his shoulder, a solid warmth that gave shape to Dean, keeping him from coming apart.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, voice deep and low.

Dean tried to push down his feelings, raising his face even if it was tear-streaked and flushed. “About what?” he asked. Cas had nothing to be sorry for.

“That you’ve had to go through it,” said Cas.

Dean had never imagined anyone saying that to him. He thought he deserved to be called weak for putting up with it, or for crying about it now. He thought nobody would care if it happened to him or not. That anywhere he might’ve grown up he’d have been treated just the same because of the way he was. Never enough. All the things John implied and made him believe.

“You should leave,” said Cas.

“Is that what you did?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t,” said Dean. “Sam—”

“Does he hurt Sam, too?”

Dean shook his head. He felt oddly defensive. Of course John didn’t hurt Sam. Dean would never allow it. “I keep Sam out of it,” he said.

“You still shouldn’t stay.”

“It’s not that bad,” said Dean, like he hadn’t been trembling with the force of his tears just moments ago. His voice came thin. “Not enough to leave.”

“Any amount is enough to be worth leaving,” Cas said, so certain of himself.

Dean retreated back into denial. “It’s more complicated than that,” he said. “I’m— I’m not a kid anymore so…”

Cas’ arm fell away from Dean so that he could look at him better. Which was more dangerous and less comforting than his touch had been. “When was the last time it happened?”

Dean rubbed the edge of his hand against his wet cheek, not wanting to answer but unable to resist a direct question from Cas. He looked down at the river and cleared his throat. “Day before yesterday,” he said. If Cas were to roll his eyes, it wouldn’t be undeserved, but Cas stayed perfectly still. Dean’s fingertips brushed against his throat, wanting to say what happened, but unable to describe that part. “He was mad I brought Sam home. Against orders.”

He dropped his hand again, but Cas’ eyes stayed on his throat. Where a fading bruise could be taken for a smear of motor oil. Cas sharply inhaled, putting pieces together. His eyes scanned the rest of Dean’s body, pausing on his shoulder.

“Your broken arm,” said Cas.

“Yeah, uh,” said Dean. Thinking he’d find something better. “Yeah.” There wasn’t really a way to allay it. “He caught me— We were arguing. About eventing, and Zepp, and I thought if I could just get away from him. And he caught me on the steps and I— I fell down.”

“He’ll kill you,” Cas said.

Dean’s head jerked upward, facing Cas directly. “No,” he said. “He doesn’t want to do that.”

“So he’s in control when he hurts you,” said Cas.

“No!” said Dean quickly. Because that couldn’t be true. His father loved him or could. “When he’s mad he just— It flares up and then it’s over. And he’s sorry about it.”

“So he’s out of control,” said Cas. “Which means you’re in danger. Every time.”

Dean parted his lips to answer but Cas had him in a bind. Either John’s anger was out of control and a constant threat or it was in control and was used with full intention. Neither was good for Dean.

“I don’t want to leave,” said Dean, and that was more true than any of the apologies he’d tried to make on John’s behalf. He looked down between them. “I just want it to stop.”

Cas took a breath, almost started to say something, then didn’t. There was a kind of understanding in that holding back.

“What was it like for you?” Dean asked. It was the only reason he’d said anything. So that Cas would open up to him in turn. Cas thought there were things they had in common that Dean would understand.

“Different, probably,” said Cas. He went quiet, struggling with what to say, his eyes gazing nowhere as he grouped his thoughts. It was far easier to talk about Dean’s troubles than his own. “My mother was… unstable. Religious. Which made her hard to live with at the best of times. Never knowing which mother you were going to get.”

Dean could understand that. John was volatile too. It was a lot of work just planning for what version of John he’d meet in any given scenario.

“Would she hurt you?” he asked. He used the same word on purpose.

Cas didn’t cry, but he looked distant. “Yes,” he said. “She’d… She had punishments. She’d drag me by the ear to lock me in a cupboard for— for hours, when I’d done wrong.” Dean knew without Cas having to say that ‘doing wrong’ could be anything from causing trouble to colouring too loudly. He couldn’t imagine Cas being a trouble-making kid, not on purpose. But he mentioned being different when he grew up. Too emotional, finding it difficult to connect. That would be ‘wrong’ too.

“If we didn’t listen or were found impertinent, she would slap us,” said Cas.

“We?” said Dean.

“My siblings and I,” said Cas.

“I never knew you had siblings,” said Dean.

“Four of them,” said Cas. “They never left. I think. If they had, I hope they’d find me.” He shifted, picking at clover. “Then again, they had less trouble listening or understanding the right answer. I could never seem to figure it out. I was… different. And because I was a… a target, I think they didn’t always know that they had more in common with me than her.”

“And that’s why you left?”

Cas looked away and it told Dean how much more complicated it was than that.

“You said once…” Dean wet his lips before he spoke. “You said you didn’t feel like you had a choice.”

“I didn’t,” said Cas. “It was either live the way they wanted me to live, or leave. And I chose to leave.”

That made Cas probably the strongest person Dean knew. And just as Cas found it simpler to talk about Dean’s troubles, Dean found it easier to think of all Cas deserved.

“Remember what else you said?” Dean asked, the idea lighting up his mind as a fix for Cas’ incredible loneliness. “That you’d want a place with fresh air and animals where everything’s right. What if that was us? You know, like, around here so I didn’t really have to leave, but not with my dad, and—”

Cas was looking at him strangely. Dean’s excitement must have been somehow out of place, or the idea unappealing when Dean included himself. Cas hadn’t been making an offer of somewhere to stay, for Dean, when he warned him that John was a danger. This must not be what he was thinking of it all.

“Sorry,” said Dean quickly. His face flushed again, not helped by the heavy heat of the day. “I thought— When you said that, it sounded— It sounded so nice. But you want that on your own.”

“No, not on my own,” said Cas. “That defeats the point.”

“Right,” said Dean, and he placed his hands on the ground beside him, about to launch himself away from his foolish entry into the conversation. He needed to get away from Cas. He was hot. He should swim. If he could bear to get undressed.

Cas curled a hand around the inside of Dean’s arm just above the crease of his elbow. It wasn’t an iron grip, but it was solid, keeping him in place when he otherwise would’ve gone.

“I like spending my time with you,” Cas said in a rush. It was like he was answering something else, something neither of them had said. He didn’t look at Dean. “If I could give you somewhere to stay, away from your father— If you wanted that, I would do it.”

“We’re just—” Dean hesitated. “We’re just talking dreams, Cas,” he said.

“Why should it only be a dream?” said Cas.

This was more than Dean had ever reckoned on. So heavy it felt like lifting a weight from the bottom of a river.

“I mean that if you want to leave,” said Cas, “then you should. You could do it.” He let go of Dean’s arm, fingertips dragging away from his skin.

“It’s not as simple as that,” said Dean, finding himself confused. In one breath he suggested buying a farm with Cas, and in the next that he could never leave his father. It was just that what they talked about sounded too perfect to ever truly exist. How could Dean put any faith in something that exceeded his wildest dreams like that?

“If I bought a house with space for horses,” said Cas.

“Jeez, Cas,” said Dean.

“Would you come stay?”

“Are you for real?”

“If I could do it this minute, I would,” said Cas. “I don’t want to say goodbye and know you’ll go back to that house with John.”

“Could you do it?” said Dean. “Is that even possible?”

“I could figure it out,” said Cas. “One word. From you, and…”

“You think we can do this?” said Dean. “Then… Okay.”

And that was all it took. Cas leaned forward and kissed him.

Dean didn’t have time to think of it or react. The press of their lips was warm, sudden. A dangerous spark in a dry forest. As he pulled back, so did Cas, looking anxious.

“What was that?” said Dean.

Cas hadn’t looked away from Dean’s face, although there was something to the way he held his body, like he expected to run. “I just—” he said. His voice was every bit as gravelly and flat as usual, but he sounded uncertain, a rare note. “I…”

Cas had kissed him. Dean’s brain and body couldn’t make sense of it, couldn’t work together in any sensible way any longer. His heart started pounding. The heat of the day made sweat rise on the back of his neck and above the lip of his mouth. He was frozen but he was supposed to be doing something. Running from this, striking out, kissing Cas, jumping into the river.

“I shouldn’t’ve—” Cas looked stricken now. “I want to help you and it’s not— I made a mistake.”

Wasn’t this Dean’s fault? Just days ago he had wrapped himself around Cas in the shade of a garden and silently begged for his affection in any shape. He’d had that untoward dream the same night. The colour rose high in Dean’s cheeks and he looked swiftly at the river. Cas hadn’t kissed him in the dream, only touched him, but already Dean’s mind was conflating the real and the imagined, completely out of his control. Dean had stared too long the night of the rain storm. He’d been wrong to and he’d made this happen and it was all because he was broken up into pieces and he got things confused and now there was this, which was too much to handle.

Next to him, Cas rested his forehead against his fist, eyes scrunching closed. “I’m sorry, Dean,” he said.

Dean’s mouth remembered the touch of their lips and wouldn’t let go. He felt they were reddened by Cas’ kiss, the same as that day in the attic, that day when enchantment poisoned itself into sharp fear and which was exactly like right now. There was something wrong with him for all of this. For the fact that he wanted to kiss Cas again and really know what it felt like. If he was damned he wanted to know what he was damned for.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said again. “I thought you were like me.”

It struck Dean for the first time what that would mean. What it would be to be like Cas. What it meant Cas was. And how if he were to say Cas was correct right now, that Dean was not like him, it didn’t feel at all true. How if he were to be able to act on what was true, that would mean giving over to what was in him. He felt so miserable and scared and all he wanted was for Cas to cover over Dean’s body with his own. To hide in Cas’ collar, in the very hollow of his clavicle, the place he’d wanted to kiss just three days ago when he stole comfort from Cas in the garden.

He dragged his gaze back to Cas, who looked equally mired in his own despair.

“Cas,” he said, not certain of what he meant to follow. And when Cas looked at him he leaned in and kissed him.

Cas lost a sound against Dean’s mouth, a melting hum. His hand found the small of Dean’s back. This kiss came with another renewed one, chasing it, then Dean bowed his head, breaking it off but not breaking away. His body shifted deeper into Cas, his hand clutching Cas’ shirt, his forehead resting against the base of Cas’ neck. Cas held onto him this time, cheek brushing against the top of Dean’s head. A hand came up to stroke through Dean’s hair.

“Cas,” he said wretchedly.

“It’s okay,” said Cas. As much as anything could be okay. For a bare second, Dean wanted to believe it would be.

#spirit of the west #bonus content #when your au has an au #there was serious potential to go this route and it was hard to make Dean NOT open up in this scene #because he wanted to and it had been building #and it was very nearly worth the trade-off of learning more about Cas for him #so here's the world where that happened #and other things would've happened differently too #butterflies flapping wings and all

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sammygender · 20 days

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to me john winchester is like. worst man alive. just wants to do right by his family. cares about his sons more than anything in the world but puts them in life-threatening danger every single day. hubris and arrogance of a god and never believes they will actually die despite the fact that he also has the paranoia and terror and deep intense mistrust of the world of eight year old me. treats both his sons like his soldiers, his eldest son like his surrogate wife/best friend/coparent/counsellor, his youngest son like the troubled-drug-addict-bad-boyfriend problem child miles before he ever actually does anything problematic to john and even then just because he has hobbies and wants to go to college.

wants them to be happy and themselves and have good lives, but thinks he needs them to be mini-him and good at fighting and not much else, and that takes priority. 'wants' all sorts of good things for them but just keeps postponing those good things until he avenges their mother until in a second their childhood's gone by. feels deep immeasurable guilt for everything he's done and knows he's ruined his children's lives. damages them in a hundred different ways, one third that he realises at the time and decides to do anyway, another third that he's unaware of at the time and realises later, and the last third that he'll never realise and never take back.

loves them miles too much and still not enough for it to matter. teaches them both that they're the only things that matter in the world and that they don't matter at all. still fervently believes that everything he did was for the best and was needed and had to be done, and always will.

#to elaborate its like.#things john knows are bad while he does them: raising them on the road without a home. raising them only to hunt and kill above all.#ignoring what they want.#things john realises more are bad in hindsight than he did at the time: parentifying dean (though he sort-of knows while this is happening #too) and 'putting too much' on him. isolating sam and dean from any potential friends or connections outside of him and each other.#things he probably will never realise are bad: the 'drunken rages' and moments of lost control - because i think in his head they just Didn #Happen - he can accept hes a bad father but only in ways that can be justified ways that were to do with hunting. treating sam like a mix #between a cursed object to be protected at all costs and a train destined to go off the rails (he will always think this was justified). hi #word being law above all #john winchester #precanon #sam & john #dean & john #spn #oliver talks #supernatural

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laikuh · 2 months

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also holding a very sharp image in my head of john, probably drunk, cornering dean against a wall and roughly shoving his shirt up and grinding against his ass and shoving his nose in dean's neck and gripping his hips and dean gasping and sighing and john just releasing immediately and stumbling away and dean's brain is like wow this is what it's like to be in love.

#send help #deanjohn #and obvi they never speak of it again #john having this monstrous alter ego almost that presses through his sense of human decency when he's been drinking or using #and his common sense too #rearing its head and hyper focused on dean and dean loving those moments when the monster appears #not wanting to spook that version of his father because that version touches him #that version smells him #licks him #grazes his teeth against the nape of his neck #and dean never knows how far the monster will go but he's content with however little or more he gets

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angelsberrymilk · 3 months

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I realised I like to project on Sam a bit. I'm the eldest sibling but I want to be Sam. I want what he has (Dean) I want the same level of devotion love and worship and obsession Dean has for Sam. Sammy is Dean's. I want to be owned like he is.

#Wincest #supernatural #spn #dean winchester #sam winchester #sam and dean #I want to be sam #and if I give him a pussy out of the blue #I'm just projecting #and uh #thinking abt gender and shit #I don't want to think too much into it or I'll have a crisis

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