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gaynorexic-posts · 2 years

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VENT and TW

Dear L.,

I'm really sorry for what happened (or didn't) yesterday. I know i'm sending mixed signals, tell you i want to but not act like i do. I don't look for excuses because of my misbehavior, but i have a huge urge to explain why i am being so weird. It might be hard for you to understand, i know that, i know that you struggle handling people with pathological manners of behavior, people like me, but listen, please listen. I want you to understand. Whether you do or not, that's up to you, but i really need to get this off my heart, at least one of the reasons - the other one, the things that happened 4 years ago, things that will haunt me for my lifetime, i won't discuss them with you. Not now, not here. This is supposed to to give you another point of view over... us, basically, or whatever that thing is that we have, that thing that i like, that i long for, but yet feel like I'm not capable of handling. I think about it probably more than you do, to be honest i am OBSESSED with the image i'm constantly forming in my head, how perfect it could be. But when the moment comes as we get closer, then i can feel your warmth but there is this inner voice that screams at me, tells me to run, pushes me away or maybe us apart, i don't know. And that voice, accompanied by other hostile demons that join the choir, is called AvPD. I hate "excusing" me with my diagnosed sicknesses, but they have impact on every little branch of my life, which is why i need to tell you this, or at least this one part of this miserable cancer that seems to feast on my soul, my heart, my whole damn life.

It sucks so bad. Avoiding confrontation. Taking steps. Change. All those things that are part of a daily routine, many of them can't be avoided and leave me scared, permanently. Scared of the cashier, the bus driver, actually of almost every person passing, strangers and even my therapist. But wouldn't that be enough? No, for god's sake. Friends, friends like you, family, every social interaction is covered with a layer of insecurity, expecting people to leave immediately after i show them my true self, fear of boundaries and still being so. Fucking. Codependent. Every look, every word, maybe just one unanswered message, it's freaking me out, i just don't seem to get used to humans and their behavior. As i try so bad to control everything i do, every step, every word and even all my thoughts, it is so hard to bear other people not doing the same. And i feel bad about that, feel bad about them, blame myself for the things i cannot control. And then comes the moment where i can actually show you my desire and my loyalty, but that inner barrier is too high to overcome so i keep fucking things up, especially those i desire the most, our thing, like i said. And sooner or later, should i be ready till then, I've already missed my chance. I can't expect people, can't expect you to have the patience to wait for me, i know that. I don't mean to confuse you by sending those mixed and kind of contradicting messages, when i tell you i want it, i do want it, i think i am actually so far to guarantee that because sharing my desire with you only by words is not as easy for me. It requires a ridiculous amount of courage and inner stability that i don't have. It sounds so stupid and childish, but i wanna be honest with you, i don't want to hide, especially not as we came closer to each other than i ever thought we would. And i enjoy this little fucked up honeymoon thing, playful and secret and arousing, like teenagers making out for the first time. But enough of that. I hope i could explain myself. Please don't let this go just because i'm acting weird, contradicting. I wouldn't have done the things i did when i only tried to please you - that has to come to an end, but i'll shut up now, this is getting too close to the events of 2018, i might save them in a locked document on my computer. And should i get too tired of this world once again, should i decide that it is my time to leave, then you will have the option to read all about it, only if you want to, of course. I don't want to force anyone into the things i had to go through back then.

Should we ever go different ways, don't forget about everything we shared. Please remember me. I will do so.

Forgive me.

Lovingly,

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tankaramo · 7 years

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right so, ,,,, putting everything else aside (and i’m putting A Lot aside) if i decide to go (if it’s actually an option for me bc i’m not 100% sure yet) i’d have to?? share a room with someone? ??? and i know it might not sound like a big deal but? it is for me like idk how i’m gonna deal with it (and if i don’t like the person it’s gonna be ten times worse,, rip in pieces @ me) and also,,,,,, how would i,,,,, watch my gay shit, ,,,,

#listen i know i might be focusing on smth stupid from your perspective but gfdefgh #this is awful i Need to be left Alone for at least a few hours lmao?#like either its sensory overload or depressive episode or a breakdown or a panic attack or im just simply Exhausted from socializing #and it's for six (6) months in a completely different country? idk if im like. able to deal with it im such a mentally ill mess?#and then what if the person im living with is homophobic? like half the reason i wanna leave #is so i can be more comfortable and open about being gay i guess? like im mostly closeted here #but its smth else to just. work with someone who turns out to be a bigot and smth else to Share A Room #not to mention i actually really wanted to go to drawing but? i cannot draw if someone is looking bc Anxiety #i couldn't?? draw in a room someone else is in gtfredfrgthy #+ like i want to draw gay stuff and uhm #and i don't even know if i can deal with having a job and never skipping bc i avoid everything all the damn time (thanks avpd)#and im so.... depressed and suicidal?#but if i stay im probably just gonna get worse anyway and attempt suicide again and its like?#but at least rn my mom is Ok again and i don't even remember the Bad Times so staying here #means i can just. hide in my room whenever i can and need to and be as comfortable as i can get #if i move there i just? won't have any sort of safe space? i don't really have one bc it.... depends on my mom #but when she's Better again my room is kind of a safe comfortable space where no one bothers me #and if i move i won't have that and idk how my stupid mentally ill ass is gonna deal with that #anyways im Freaking The Hell Out and im terrible at decisions making so i just... pls idk what to do i hate myself and my life hgfdefrg #if you read all of this but you didn't see the other post its just about me possibly moving to the netherlands #for like six (6) months.... anyways. death sounds good right about now

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kawaiidonutgladiator · 5 years

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My life

Listen, I am no one. My life stopped after I turned 12, before that it was looking good for me. It is just almost impossible how dead my life was after that.

I had friends, lots. I loved to hangout and play with them. I was sensitive and different but I was handling well with people. I was popular. I had such close amazing friendships.

But when I was 11, things changed. Not sure what. Everyone was changing, I guess it was puberty striking. I wanted to stay a child and have things stay like they used to be. I didn't feel safe around my friends anymore. I think it is when I started to feel and see the big gap between me and others, as in they are normal and I am... god I am me. When people talk about me it is in way like I am a freak. My name is an insult. I started hating being me and my ways.

Then we all went to different schools. I cut off all contact, I wasn't me anymore. And maybe they weren't them anymore. New school was rough, I had people who tolerated me but they agreed with the others that I was boring and weird.

No, not those weird. I was... -insert my name-. My name is a description for the weird things about me. You can't really name or explain it but you can point it out and recognize it.

12 to 16, crucial years for teenagers. Seemed to last like forever and now at the age of 21 I still feel like it just happend. So I had no real friends, I had no guys interested in me, I had no sport or hobby. All I did was go to school, go back home. No drama, no exciting stuff. Just all a straight line without anything happenin. I never went to a party, never got invited to things. No teenage experiences.

I think I was unlucky in that part. I feel like that if I did go to a different school, or meet 'my kind of people' in places like sports, I would have had friends. It was just not the place for me. Yes, I struggled with the changes but I did start to get used to it. If I had the opportunities I would have been able to continue to grow, but I didn't had those.

I got invited to a party from a former classmate for the last time. I met her new classmates and friends, they were amazing and fun. If they were my classmates, I would have glowed up. I would be able to continue being a great social friend like I was as a kid.

But I was a big unwanted boring loner in my middle/high school. My therapist still won't believe I was appparently that bad. That period and school was awful in contrast with elementry school, and also the school I went after that to study.

Thought I would be a loner there too. But I quickly made friends, I was social and bloosimin. I was becoming the person I used to be again!! Sadly the dark demons from the past few years haunted me and finally won. I won't forget the laughter and fun I had for those few months, my little taste from normal life.

I got into therapy, and there again I was the weird me. Yes, I was even too strange and a disaster in a mental institution. Now I do blame the fact that they put me in a group I did not fit in. I was 17 turning 18, anxious and shy. My groupmates were all younger, two had depression and I did actually relate and became friendly with them (still friends with one today... she my only friend).

But others were loud. Bipolar and young loud kids who had zero social issues. (They had fear for getting sick). In fact, they were popular kids with lots of friends, hobbies, activities. The kind who would be rude to be in high school. It did not feel like a safe place. And the "coaches" teamed up with them. Called me out for not interacting with them (well did they interact with me? No). Just making me feel more of a freak right there. I did not loudly participate in the games, but I did talk. I did well. In fact I was doing well for someone with my issues. But I only got judged and called out.

Meanwhile they got my diagnoses, it was depression and social anxiety. With hints of avpd and dpd. Yet... I wasn't allowed to pass to the next "level' of groupstherapy, cus they did not have much of an idea what my issues exactly were. Yet this other girl, who they had no idea from what she was doing there, did get to continue.

It was a combination of me being at the worst point and the therapists not providing the right care. Putting me in a group I already did not fit in when it came to mental issues & what our problems were and then blame me for how I acted wrong and different around that.

Luckily I got out of that group and my therapist who I did not like. I got to see someone else, I liked her. She knows what I am like and understands me. Does she know about how deep the hatred for myself is?maybe not. But I am happy I got recognization for my problems and my struggles. She made it all more clear. And she recognized my family situation. (Very mental ill dad with anxiety who never leaves the house. Whole family life is accostumed to that. If you think about it, it does make sense why I am like this. My first therapist tried to find the issue within me or traumas. But the foundation lays in my family and genes. I used to blame myself and saw myself as the troubled one of the family, but I have come to realize that my entire family & childhood had been very abnormal and thats why I ended up having issues).

Deep breath. It is in my genes, it is in how I was raised. It is no wonder I end up how I am and it unfair to compare myself to people who did not have this entire family experience.

It isn't just me who is abnormal but it is my parents, my brother and I. All abnormal in a bit different way, all abnormal compared to others. So I have to accept it and embrace it, that is all I can do. Cus I can't fight against it. It is in me.

Somehow, reminding myself about how abnormal my family is makes me feel better about myself. It is not just me, it not my fault. So maybe I am someone, this is pretty much my story. My family situation and my dad is my story and explanation.

I didn't got the chance to develope and grow as a person in teenagehood because of this. The situation I was in. And again, unfair to compare myself to people who did. I do it all on my own pace and way now.

Even though my parents are great, they were busy with their own problems. They were not able to be like other parents because of their issues.

I was a kid living in an empty room, with no one around, no instructions, trying to do it on my own.

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teddy-feathers · 5 years

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gender is scary id rather have a cool rock.

i just wish this wasnt so important to me. that it didnt matter.

i tried to make it not matter.

ive been thinking about this hard for many years growing more confused and upset

because. youre you.

gender isnt a performance. its not an aesthetic.

i cant in good faith say im going to take back the parts of me i struggled to accept- i mean rainbow pastels are super cute and i adore adorable things and im not going to let life make me feel cringey over it again

i cant say ill change at all because im not. deciding to adhere to a different set of gender rules and rolls - hell thats one of the largest reasons i didnt want to deal with this at all

dudes dudettes and everyone on the outside of the ven diagram of idiocy can be and act and represent themself however they want and what they wear or hownthey act can't change that

so it shouldnt matter that in many ways im... girly. just listen to me talk or sing or whatever shit i do that makes me flinch now when i notice

but it does because.... because i was waiting for permission

i didnt realize it but. i didnt feel like i had any right to claim anything

im not a "special snowflake" im just like stupid queer or whatever idk

i laughed at the first person - a guy - who told me he was ace turns out im aro and ace.

i said i didnt care if my soulmate was a guy or a girl or multiple people because thatd be stupid - and then i didnt even NOTICE girls because well im not gay id know... until i dated one.

and then i found out nonbinary and trans folk were a thing.

its not scary to think you might be nonbinary. youre just outside the ven diagram. thats fine. obviously youve got to decide what that means for yourself

but.

i still felt... wrong. and it built and it built and i was afraid because... because me being a guy isnt allowed. im not special. i dont want to be special. and this - thisnis me just jumping onto the train right?

but i started getting angry and hurt and noticing all the time "miss" this and "maam" that.

"well im not a smartman" "youre not a man at all tho?"

"pfft well i could wingman for you." "blah blah blah wingWOMAN"

like. i decided. id try the binder thing and i liked it but dont we all like new fashion? new looks...

i decided to start cutting my hair and then... becoming dissatisfied when i looked like a lesbain instead of vaguely dudeish even though yeah im flattered that apparantly id make a cute lesbian? super flattered. its a LOOK and god do those girls look good

i got called sir once at walmart and was ecstatic.

but now i just want to cry. because people know and... i dont know hownto feel or even howni feel because the most i feel is scared which

alrifht i always feel scared about everything especially change

im lucky. i told my coworkers and they didnt even blink and changed pronouns and started calling me Dan.

Im thrilled but

im terrified

i dont take me seriously. how can anyone else? and i. i dont want people to know im trans. im not proud or whatever when i go and look at the cute designs on redbubble the way i am over aro ace stuff. its not funny or safe feeling.

itd be nice if i could just say i wish people wouldnt know by looking - they just saw a guy but its not even that? i sont want people to see me at all and yeah some of thats me just flipping out because... what if im wrong but...

i know. a large part of this is my avpd.

i got a rush

im super psyched i can just go "hey I'm a dude" to some people i know and its chill

but my brain runs on misery - if it sees me happy about something it freaks out and it takes a while for the battleship alarms to stop going off and assume the other horrible shoe is going to drop

but some part of me is wondering still

what if im not a guy

what if im making it all up

what if what if what if

you know?

right now if someone were to come up to me and say no. youre not trans. youre not valid... id probably bare throat.

byt its not validation i want or need. weirdly enough for the first time in my life ive got. plenty of validation its

surety.

confidence.

which. will only come with time. until hearing "sir" or "dan" becomes natural like a broken in shoe and then i can figure out if that was all it was or if the fit wasnt right after all.

its like. the humiliation i feel and have sometimes even now when i wear dresses. like im naked or wearing it wrong ornits very obviously unnatural on me because im very old to still need to learn how to be comfortable in it.

itll come with time but...

i already feel like i want to wear this label.

i just dont want anyone to make a big deal about it when i do... or... second guess myself out of something i want just because im not used to it.

at the end of the day in a coward... ill get over it im just... tired.

i dont want to say im a man. i never have.

but im a dude, a guy. just a person. just me.

i just wish it was more like dying my hair - unremarkable really even if it can be pretty or neat.

because. its not a big deal to me but simultaneously the biggest deal possible and honestly i wish it didnt matter

gender is scary, id rather have a cool rock

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kz-i-co · 5 years

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AvPD: Part III

» Summary: Your mother meets J-Hope and drags him to a family dinner which is far from normal.

» Pairing: Jung Hoseok (J-Hope)/ Reader

» Genre: fluff

» Words: 3.3k

» Part 1 | Part 2 ╫ Part 4

» m.list ╫ bts masterlist

You starred at yourself in the mirror as you went through several different clothings.

"Too fancy."

"Too causal."

"Too awkward."

You threw off the sweater.

"What should I wear?" You asked yourself. "Why did I agree to go on this date." You pouted.

Why were you stressing? Hoseok never showed any judgement towards you. But why were you so nervous.

You threw on a hoodie and walked out of your apartment, across the hall and sighed heavily. You knocked on the door and waited for the awkward tension to begin.

Momo answered the door and folded her arms as she starred at you, waiting for you to speak.

You rocked back and fourth on your heels, trying to figure out the words to say. "Look, what I said to you guys was wrong and I'm sorry for everything I said. It was my fault for risking my job and I shouldn't have blamed you for it." Your voice was soft.

All of a sudden Momo smiled and jumped on you with a big hug. "You are forever forgiven." She was hesitant to let go. "Besides Jhope told me everything."

"Oh." You said as soon as she let go.

"I just wanted to see if you cared enough to speak to me in person."

"Can you help me with something?" You finally asked.

"You're asking me?" She smiled sweetly.

"I don't know what to wear for my um....hangout with......um....Jhope."

"Date you mean." She winked.

You nodded shyly.

"This is so exciting." She grabbed your hand and pulled you inside your apartment. She skimmed through your closet and looked through different clothing. "This is perfect."

She handed you a cute dark plaid skirt with a white sweater. "It's a little cold out and you have to deal with that thing." She pointed to your boot cast.

After you got dressed she held you pull off the outfit to her liking by tugging in the sweater loosely into the skirt. She ruffled your hair, letting it flow down in waves. "You are so freaking beautiful."

"Thank you." You blushed shyly.

"Jhope is a lucky guy."

Then you heard a knock on the door. "He's here." You panicked. Things felt different all of a sudden. Since last night.

You spent the night in his bed after a little heated make out session. You always liked him before but it was like all you wanted was to impress him but you couldn't help but feel you weren't enough.

"Chill out girl. There's nothing to be nervous about. Jhope really really likes you and I can tell you really really like him, there's nothing scary about that."

You nodded and put on your coat. You bit the inside of cheek, still feeling nervous. You opened the door slowly and Jhope turned around taking you in. He looked at you almost dazed and you couldn't help but blush even more.

"Wow. You're so beautiful." He smiled.

"Thank you." You bowed.

"Ready?" He asked.

You nodded and he grabbed your hand gently and guided you to the staircase. You had no clue to where he would take you but you hoped no where packed.

....

He brought you to a quiet street with nothing but street lights lighting the dark path. You held his hand tighter from the timid feeling and you was quick to guide you into a building that was clearly closed for the night. He managed to have get you inside and guide you down a few different hallways.

"We're not doing anything illegal are we?" Your soft was was clear from how quiet it was.

"No, I know someone who works he." He never stopped smiling.

"What is here?"

"You're about to see....." He stopped in front of a door and opened it turning on dim Christmas lights that hung around the border of the room. "Now."

Once your eyes adjusted, you could tell it was a dance studio. "Wow." You we're mesmerized as you continued to enter.

"You still good at ballet?" He asked causing you to turn around with a sweet smile.

"I haven't practiced it in a while."

Then suddenly he pulled off his jacket and helped you with yours as well and hung them to the side. "Do you want to dance with me?"

Your memory went back to the first time he asked you that. "I don't know, I'm not very goo-"

"Everything you do is amazing (Y/N)." He grabbed your hand. "And you should know that I would never judge you, ever."

"What about my cast?" You asked.

"I'll guide you." You blushed.

He went over to the corner of the room and put on soft music. It was beautiful.

"The first date I wanted to take you was dancing but I know how stressful it can be with other people." He grabbed your hand gently and pulled you towards his chest.

"Just me and you. No one else." He whispered softly as he swayed you to the music.

You felt uneasy, but nothing discomfort. You had a never ending stream of butterflies and felt like you were flying father away from the ground.

He suddenly spun you around and you pulled you into his chest once again. You looked up at him passionately and he gently caressed your cheek. J-hope almost felt like a dream too good to be true. Like the perfect guy you make up in your own head to satisfy your needs, someone who understands you better then yourself, someone who can read your mind and know what you're thinking every second of the day, someone you can just picture your whole future with.

He was staring at you cutely amused from how dazed you were.

"Are you real?" You couldn't stop yourself from saying.

"I'm real (Y/N)." He softly giggled and next thing you knew he was leaning down bringing his lips towards yours gently.

Buzzz......buzzz....buzzzzz.....

You woke up from irritation buzzing and picked up your phone off the floor. "Hello." You answered.

"(Y/N) sweetie. Where are you?"

"Mom?" You asked opening your eyes officially.

"Are you sleeping? I'm at your apartment, where are you?" You we're full awake. You looked around and saw that you were still in the dance studio from last night.

The last thing you remember was you and J-Hope laying on the matts, talking about your old childhood embarrassments. You glanced over and saw J-Hope still asleep with his coat covering him. The room was still dark from the lack of windows and didn't even realize what time is it.

"(Y/N)?"

"Yes, mom. I slept over a friends house, I'll be right over." You said and hung up without even hearing a response.

"Hoseok?" You shook him gently.

You leaned down placing your ear to his chest. You just liked hearing the steady beat of his heart as he was out cold.

"(Y/N) that's the wrong answer." He mumbled causing you to giggle.

You sat up leaning down and plugged his nose. His eyes jerked awake and as you tried to pull away he grabbed you tightly with a tiresome smile. "Morning."

"Morning."

He leaned up rolling you over so he was towering over you, giving you butterflies once again. "We slept here all night?"

You nodded. "I'm sorry." He continued.

"It's okay. But my mom is expecting me at my house."

"I'll take you." He got up helping you.

"Are you sure. My mom is kind of......protective."

"It's fine."

.....

You cleaned up your sleepy state, to make sure it was obvious you were wearing last nights clothes.

"I had a great time last night." You blushed as you were at the door.

"Me to."

"You can come over whenever you want." You gave him an open invitation with your face glowing more red.

He smiled but was cut off from the door opening. "(Y/N) there you are. I called you an hour ago....oh hello, are you (Y/N)'s friend?"

"Um...mom this is Hoseok." Your voice was soft.

"Come in, I just made coffee." Your mother moved out of the way for you both to enter. Almost like she owned the place.

"So tell me Hoseok, how long have you know my daughter?"

"For about 3 months now."

"Anything serious?"

"Mom." You warned.

"I'm just asking a question (Y/N)." Your mother looked at you.

"Well. I really like your daughter Mrs. (Y/L/N)." Even though you could tell how nervous J-Hope was, his smile was still bright and beautiful.

"Do you know of her condition?" It was like an interrogation.

"Yes mom, he knows and my friend across the hall knows, everyone is super sweet to me."

"I promise that I won't ever hurt (Y/N), I try to protect her as best as I can." His tone was serious.

"And What about her leg?"

"Mom, that wasn't his fault."

"I'm sorry, I need to get ready for work." He looked at his phone. "Maybe we can all have dinner together some time." J-Hope sweetly offered.

"I look forward to that." Your mother said as he left.

"Mom." You glared at her. "You scared him away."

"He has to go to work." You mother defended her self.

"Yeah at 2, he has plenty of time to get ready." You rolled your eyes. "Why are you being hard on him. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me since I've moved here."

"You're here for 3 months and you have a cast on your leg."

"It's a sprain, and it will be healed in 2 weeks."

"I don't know, maybe you should move back home."

"I won't get better, you know that. What are you scared of? Hoseok likes me, and he doesn't care about my disorder. He understand me and helps me through it."

"I feel happier around him." You continued.

"He's not pressuring you or-"

"Of course not. He's gentle." You smiled.

"Okay. Maybe we should have a proper dinner. This weekend maybe. Your sisters would love to see you anyway."

"Okay. I'll see."

Inviting J-Hope for a family dinner could be the best idea or the worst. It's been a while having your whole family together again, maybe J-Hope could fit right in.

You clenched your first nervously.

"Hey, you okay?" J-Hope grabbed your hand, reaching over the center console.

"Yeah. It's just been a while since I've seen my family all together. The kids, the chaos. It might be a little much." You knew you wouldn't be as timid by your family but it could still be stressful.

"I'll be there for you every step of the way." He said.

Once you got to your house it was well light up and you could see your nieces and nephews playing in the window. "They're gonna be loud." You whined.

"Take a deep breath." He said and you listened.

"I was thinking you would be the nervous one." You giggled.

"I am, but I choose not show it."

You held his hand tightly as you walked up the side walk until you reached the door. You didn't have to knock since it was family and once you opened the door, the loud children screaming was already a slap to the face.

You shook your head, showing J-Hope concern but you just smiled brightly. "(Y/N)." Your eldest sister greeted you and bowed. "Whose this cutie?"

"This is Hoseok." You introduces softly.

He bowed and smiled. "Nice to meet you."

"Are you her boyfriend?" Your face was beyond red by this point.

"It's undetermined but I would like that." He smiled sweetly at you and you held your hands over your face to hide your blushing.

"Come on (Y/N). It's okay." She laughed and guided you to the kitchen, where all the adults were comfortable.

All eyes were on you and J-Hope as soon as you entered the kitchen. You held your hands in front of you crossed as the attention was on you suddenly. "annyeonghaseyo." You greeted as you bowed to your family and Hoseok immediately followed.

"I missed you." Your other sister hugged you. Normally you would squeeze yourself out but you didn't want to be rude, especially with family. "Mom mentioned you bringing someone but I almost wasn't sure if that was the truth."

"You must be a very special friend." She smiled at Hoseok.

"Thank you."

"Dinner will still be a few, why don't you show Hoseok around." Your eldest sister suggested.

"Hmmm. They are fine down here." Your mom warned but tried to hide it.

"Chill mom." She whispered. "He will need to know where the bathroom is eventually."

"That's a good idea Seohyun." You grabbed J-Hopes hand and guided him through your old family home. You took him upstairs and showed him the bathroom.

"Can I see your room?" He asked suddenly. "A room can describe your personality perfectly."

"Okay." You blushed and took him there. As soon as you opened the door, you were surprised that everything was the same it used to be. Maybe your mother did plan on you coming back someday. You still had all your posters on the wall of musical groups and anime.

"Wow, you have good taste in music." He pointed to your Shinee poster.

"You like foxes?" He asked seeing all the plushies.

"Yeah."

"Wow, you really were a ballet dancer." He saw your slippers and different dance trophies. "You were really good."

"Yeah. I wanted to continue after school but then my condition started and I couldn't perform in front of anyone anymore without getting a panic attack. That's why I started doing photography. I mean I always loved it since I was little but ballet was my main focus."

"I'm sorry for everything you went through."

"At first I thought I rather not even try anymore but there's some people that make me happy again."

He smiled and grabbed your hand. "You can push me away as many times you need but I'll never leave you. I hope you know that."

"I do." You pursued your lips as he was leaning forward but was cut off from the door opening and there stood your 12 year old nephew.

"Dinners ready." He said and left.

"Okay." You said more to your self and left the room with J-Hope following.

.....

"I'm a choreographer for an entertainment company." He spoke.

"Ooo which company? JYP, SM?" Your sister spoke.

"Um no big hit."

"Oh that's cool, I've heard of them....I think."

You rolled your eyes at your sister. Your whole family was gaining up on poor J-Hope and asking him millions of question.

"You make good money doing that?"

"Dad." You warned, money was always a sensitive issue.

"Yes sir. I get by well." J-Hope answered anyway.

"Did you go to college?" Your dad continued to ask.

"Hun, you don't have to answer that." Your mom interrupted turning it into a small argument with your parents.

"Have you met anyone famous?" Your sister asked.

You looked back and fourth with all the questions that were coming your way and his way and the noise blocked out. You felt J-Hope grab your hand but it wasn't enough to calm your nerves.

You got up from your chair and walked into the closest room that was nearby which happened to be the downstairs bathroom. You took deep breaths and splashed water on your face. You heard a soft knock on the door and you quickly wiped your face with a towel. You opened the door relieved it was J-Hope. Instead of going out with him you pulled him inside and shut the door.

"This was a bad idea." You panicked. "All they do is judge and interrogate you and that's not fair."

"(Y/N) it's okay. It doesn't bother me that much, your family isn't going to scare away my feelings for you."

"Look, I just laugh it off."

"I wish I can do that." You pouted. "I wish I can be more like you and Momo. I hate feeling his way." You started feeling tears in your eyes. "I can't even have a nice dinner with my family."

"(Y/N) listen to me okay." He tilted your head up and wiped your tears. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are amazing and perfect in your own way."

"But we cant even go out like a real couple or-"

"It doesn't matter. If you're with me, I don't care where we are or what we're doing, I'm happy." He said causing you to stare at him with confusion and shock.

"Why?" You whispered.

"Because." He just smiled. "That's just how I feel."

You leaned into his hand, you really didn't understand how lucky you were. It's almost like god sent down a guardian angel to help you through your troubles for the sad excuse of your disorder.

He leaned in bringing his lips towards your passionately. You were quick to respond this time since you never felt more happy that he was here with you right now.

You were pinned against your bathroom sink and he had his hands on your hips like the gentleman he was. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, deepening the kiss further. You were amazed how J-Hope made you fearless at times.

Your stomach turned with butterflies as soon as his tongue glazed your bottom lip to grant entry. You opened your mouth out of curiosity and let him explore giving you feels you never experienced before. The sensation had you weak in the knees instantly. He pulled away from your lack of airflow and he kept his forehead attached towards yours breathing heavily.

You swallowed hard feeling nervous all over again. "We should probably get back."

"I rather stay in here with you." You said finally with a steady breath.

"I know but you can't hide from your family forever and I'll be here with you, every step of the way." He said causing you to nod and be dragged out of the bathroom slowly.

"Oh (Y/N) dear, we are so sorry." Your mom started.

"Us to, sometimes we forget." Your sisters said.

"It's okay." Your voice was still light.

"Seohyun let's talk about your new job again?" Your mother started dragging the attention off of you, like you wanted.

.....

"I'll be out in a second." You told J-Hope. You wanted to ask your parents one more thing.

"I can't let her live all alone anymore. It's too dangerous." You over heard your mother talking to your father. "Just see how she reacted at dinner. It's too much for her."

"What about her boyfriend. He seems to be good for her." Your dad spoke.

"The only thing good for her is here and Mr. Koo. He can help her with this."

"She didn't do good with the last therapists, how do you know this one will be any better?"

"I just know." Your mother continued. "I already talked to her landlord, he will have her out in a week."

"You decided this without talking to her?"

"She won't listen to me. It's for the best."

You couldn't hear anymore. You just decided to leave and be as far away of them as possible.

"You okay?" J-Hope asked.

"Yeah." You smiled. "Never better."

#bts one shot #bts imagines #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts scenarios #bangtan fanfic #bangtan scenarios #bangtan fluff #jhope fanfic #jhope scenarios #jhope fluff

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fahrminbrahmin · 7 years

Text

ED Questions: nobody asked for this but im bored lmao

1. which eating disorder(s) do you have?

tbh nobody has said a specific name to me drs just say either ‘eating issues’ or ‘eating disorder’ so ednos?

 2. when did you develop your eating disorder?

this is hard to answer bc looking back ive shown signs since ~early teenage years but ive been fully aware of it for about 2-2.5 years

 3. are you currently in recovery?

im in therapy, its bought up every other session but i tend to avoid mentioning it so yes and no

 4. honestly, do you want to recover?

again, yes and no. I often h a t e feeling like this but?? the pros out way the cons at this point

 5. how are you doing today?

unhealthily? great! lol i hit my next gw this week and p much all my cals have been from alcohol lmao healthily? p bad ive only eaten a cruskit and some lettuce & im kinda depressed these past days but hey! idc

 6. 5 safe foods?

lettuce! so much lettuce i can easily go through a head a day. honestly, its the only thing i can eat without feeling any semblance of guilt.

 7. 5 fear foods?

tbqh, its such a long list everything p much. at the height of my fear of food i saw the word protein and freaked the F out so protein

 8. do you count calories?

yeah but im really good at lying to myself about how many calories ive actually eaten lmao

 9. what is your max calorie limit?

i say 550, but anything over 250 makes me feel like utter shit but then again, anything makes me feel shit lol

 10. what is your height?

5′3″ / 161cm

 11. what is your ultimate goal weight?

it was 49.5kg! but i hit that so its 48.7kg atm itll go down again tho

 12. are you trying to lose weight?

absolutely yes

 13. have you ever been called “fat”?

honestly i cant even remember if i have or not

 14. have you ever been called “too thin”?

ive been called ‘small’ but not too thin. the dream tbh

 15. what is your current goal weight?

48.7kgs

 16. what was your highest weight?

when i first started weighing myself regularly, 61kgs

 17. what was your lowest weight?

49.1kgs

 18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight?

im there rn

 19. does your family know about your eating disorder?

yes, i dont talk to a lot of ppl and p much everyone knows

 20. do your friends know about your eating disorder?

yeah, one of my best friends was actually the first person i told

 21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder?

yes and no, i hate feeling like this toward myself and food. but ive always hated myself so this is an improvement so its a really happy side effect

 22. have any “free foods”?

lettuce!! lettuce lettuce lettuce. and tea

 23. how often do you weigh yourself?

every day when i wake up. id say morning but i have a shit sleep schedule lol

 24. thinspo or bonespo?

neither tbh im more of a i-have-an-ed-more-to-harm-myself-less-to-be-thin kinda gal

 25. biggest problem area on your body?

my chubby chubby cheeks. the great irony is that my ed gave me chipmunk cheeks which hasnt helped any but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 26. favourite part of your body?

tbqh i like my waist. its not tiny but its p good imo

 27. what kind of results do you want to see?

booooooones!!

 28. do you purge?

:/ yeah

 29. do you take laxatives?

yes but i have bowel problems anyway so its the constant struggle of do i take the reccomended amount or do i overdose lmao its always overdose

 30. how often do you purge?

it goes in cycles, some weeks i purge every day, other weeks its could be 1-2 times a week.

 31. do you binge?

by definition, no, but often times ill eat and say to myself its a binge

 32. how long have you fasted for?

im SHIT at fasting, probably like 18-19 hours

 33. who’s your biggest thinspiration?

hands around thighs really get me. also protruding rib cages thats the dream.

 34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary?

none! ive only seen maybe half an ed doc i cant get through one. But! I have a book of stories of girls w/ eds and there was one story about a white/polynesian girl with an ed with identity issues and she was l i t e r a l l y me i still have that book

 35. favourite thinspo picture?

again, any pic of fingers touching around thighs. LUV it

 36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?

ive only posted 2 body checks lol, u can see them here

 37. how does your eating disorder affect your life?

Im literally obsessed with food nd my body ive isolated myself from everyone/thing in my life and everything i do is a number i h8 it

 38. what is your BMI?

currently, 19.1  39. do you follow a diet?

yeah, as little calories as possible lmao

 40. least favourite part about your eating disorder?

most if not all of it? its all i think about

 41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships?

yes? if we group my ed with all my other mental health problems, i isolate myself from everyone i havent seen one of my best friends in over a year so YA

 42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? what is it?

c h o c o l a t e. it is very much a guilty pleasure lool

 43. meanspo or sweetspo?

not about the whole concept tbqh

 44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder?

the saddest part, most women i know have expressed r admitted to doing some really shitty stuff to themselves in order to be thin

 45. ever been inpatient?  / 46. ever been outpatient? / 47. ever been in residential care? / 48. ever been in a psych ward?

nah but ive been threatened with it

 49. are you currently in therapy?

yeah, individual therapy and DBT

 50. what did you eat today?

a cruskit, 1 gummy lolly, ~4 leaves of lettuce and 3 glasses of wine lmao

 51. are you scared about the holidays?

yes bc ill make a pavlova and ofc im gonna eat it rip :/

 52. are your family/friends supportive?

kind of, if im in a healthy mind set i know they care but dont really know how to go about it. but they let me do a lot of shitty things to myself

 53. have any other mental illnesses?

’severe social anxiety’, emotional disregulation, depression, maybe avpd and/or bpd?

 54. looking for ana buddies?

nopenopenope ill never encourage this

 55. what is your current weight?

as of this morning: 49.1kgs

#personal #eating disorder #eating disorder questions #ed tw #ana #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#t.txt

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sunnygrowl · 7 years

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31 35 45 53 72 (lame ily)

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

♥ Cats! i find more and more ppl in my life are dog people, but i still love cats & i feel like i can relate to them better because they are low energy but can still be really affectionate

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

♥ YA to a certain degree, i think its important to differentiate between magic and…compulsions…but i think the world is magical in its own way. still wish i could fly thou!!!

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

♥ a dog’s purpose fucked me up fam!!!! i cry in any movie about losing ppl u love thou i cried in moana like 5 times to where my aunt had to ask me if i was like, gonna be OK

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

♥ presents… i think carving pumpkins is fun but it takes a while and im not very good at it but i love preparing gifts and picking wrapping paper and folding, its relaxing process!! (72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

♥ FUCK HHTIHS QUESTION… under a read more bcause this is really personal and i dont think ive ever shared the whole story with you or dez & i hope to god he doesnt follow me anymore cuz he blocked me from his twitter and i don’t need to be paranoid of him shit talking me to his followers or friends

uhhh i guess so. The problem is is that i think we both did things that hurt each other equally, but i can’t really speak for him. I tried to apologize for what I did but on my end, he really messed up my perception of myself and my trust of others…he lied to me for almost half a year & i learned to suppress my emotions and berate myself for having them bc i felt unsafe sharing them. whenever i tried to reasonably talk about things that i had an issue with in our relationship, he would freak out and start to either a) trash talk himself until i felt bad and had to comfort him, or b) avoid me for hours at a time (something i had expressed that was harmful to me because of one of m other exes did this to effectively ‘punish’ me) and then come back to tell me he couldnt ttalk about it or give me some kind of apology. he had very intense AVPD and i understood that, but it just wasn’t good for me or our relationship and i constantly felt like he really wanted me to go away…which, in hindsight, he probably did. all of that would have been fine if what happened after he broke up with me didnt happen (a longer story) & if he didn’t (accidentally or on purpose) play mind games with me of ‘yeah we can be friends!!’ (avoids me for weeks) and ‘i miss her so much, i still have feelings for her’ (avoids me for weeks) eventually i just…couldn’t have him near me. it really hurt bc i felt like a play-toy he came to and he clearly lacked the wish to put in the effort to be friends with me, and i wasn’t going to force him to be around me anymore, so i took the step to remove each other from each other’s lives. i’ve been happier since, and though i dont really know what he’s doing i’m assuming he’s way happier without me than he was in the last year of being with me, so that’s nice. i think i really miss the memories the most. i miss sharing ocs and laughs and movies and stories with him, though from what i’m assuming he’s replaced everything we ever shared with someone else’s characters so i don’t want to hold out the hope that he has even a shred of longing to be in my life again. it’s over and done with & i’ve moved on. the end.

#really personal shit under read more #like. almost oversharing. be careful #milk spills #asks #ask meme

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lesbianrey · 7 years

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Hi Blythe! I'm going on a date tomorrow but I feel v anxious about it, this happens every time I've ever dated someone (they all happen to have been men). I identify as bi right now and so does the guy I'm going on the date with. But I really haven't been physically attracted to any of the guys I've dated apart from one guy. Is this compulsory heterosexuality? I really like him as a person but I just don't feel romantically or physically attracted to him :/

Anon again, or maybe I'm just not ready to date anyone? But then that's been my excuse every time this happens. I really struggle with romance and the thought of being in a relationship, partly to do with a shitty boy I dated in high school who pressured me into some stuff. So I'm not sure whether it's that or I'm just not attracted to men anymore??? lmao @ my life

anon cont... I just want to bail every time I get in a relationship with someone/date someone and I don't know how to communicate that to the other person without sounding rude? And I think that might even happen if I was to date a woman. I just feel really fucked up, why can't I casually or seriously date someone without getting freaked out and wanting to run away??

it sounds like you’re dealing with trauma, have you tried talking to an lgbt friendly therapist about your hangups? that might make it easier to understand your emotions. as for wanting to run away from relationships, i really do relate. i have avoidant personality disorder from trauma, which makes it harder for me to want to emotionally expose myself to people because of a fear of being rejected. but having avpd doesn’t make me any less lesbian.

it seems like you’re aware that what you’re experiencing is a complex cocktail of a variety of issues, and i always say that especially in cases like this, i can’t give you the definite answers that you’re looking for because a lot of this requires time & personal soul-searching, not others opinions. your hangups may be because of compulsory heterosexuality from being gay, because of trauma, because of a personality disorder. and there can be multiple factors impacting your sexuality, not just one. sorry I can’t get more specific, but the reality is that i can’t tell you for certain the way you are, but just talk about how you’re allowed to have complex & multifaceted feelings.

#Anonymous

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pdtonystark · 7 years

Text

So... I need to find a therapist. Immediately. F-sp tried to talk to me about this last night and I freaked out on her but she wasn't wrong and I need to talk to someone and get help.

Does anyone have any advice or experiences for going to therapy to get help with AvPD? Is it better to find a person/program that focuses on a specific type of therapy (and if so, what type is best? DBT? CBT? Something else?) or is it better to just find someone/anyone to start out with and get more specific help down the road?

Also, I very highly suspect that I'm going to need to go on some kind of medication at least for a little while. Is it better to find someone who can write a prescription or, again, just find anyone to start with and have them recommend me to someone else if medication is indeed warranted?

#actuallyavoidant #actuallyavpd #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #actuallymentallyill #stark.speaks #(for the record I've never gone through any therapy apart from the free counseling my college offered so I'm completely clueless here)

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macguires · 7 years

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ok first of all if someone actually decides to open this , i want 2 v firmly express that i would actually turn into the fucking knife emoji if anyone ever tried to contact someone about what i vent abt on my blog and i could go on a whole separate rant about exactly why

plus a) i’ve been thinking obsessively about this since i was a literal child (especially over the last year or so) and it’s gotten too frustrating and overwhelming to have this on my mind every second of every day and know i can’t talk about it to anyone irl because people will freak out and try to intervene and i’ll have the one choice i can make for myself taken from me so i would very much like to actually be able to get this stuff out without needing to worry about people here doing that also and b) my mother is already aware of a fair portion of the stuff i’m about to vent about so u will do nothing she hasn’t thanks

this is absolutely just me basically talking to myself and getting everything out that’s been bothering me and that i’ve been distracted by and this is very much a last resort way of me getting it out, this isn’t really for other people to read like. i don’t mind if someone does, i just want to make it v clear that this is first and foremost just a jumble of incoherent thoughts that i’m putting down as i think them and i can’t deal w/ someone seeing it and getting involved by telling anybody about it, not that i actually think someone would sit here and literally read through it all because even i don’t know how long this will get and it very literally only matters & relates to me

but i’m really paranoid so just in case like. even if this makes no sense to u and u think it’s the right thing to do to tell someone about it or something just do me a favour and Do Not lol

anyway ok time to Empty my Brain in no order whatsoever

honestly i’ve literally been like Actively Suicidal for so many fucking years that at this point i’m just on a whole new level of it lmfao. like whenever people are kinda clued in to what i’m thinking (by which i mean the 1.5 people who've ever actually half-noticed bc i never fucking talk to people about things) they kind of assume that it’s bc i’m like. i’ve given up on getting better and if i just make Yet Another effort to seek help (which has never helped ever) or someone just talks to me about stuff i’ll see Hope and that i don’t really want to die and instead want to be ‘saved’ and to get better and live happily etcetcetc

but like.... that’s not even it like i’m? i love the world. i love the universe, i love everyone i’ve ever met, i love my family and my friends and everyone who’s neither of those things and i absolutely love the Little Things in life and talking to people and all of that stuff

like it’s not that i hate the world or can’t see the value of life or anything? that’s not it at all

i’m honestly so far past the whole Super Angsty emo stage of being suicidal and i’ve crossed over into ‘serene acceptance’

like it’s just a fact to me that i’m going to do it? this has been the plan since i was like 11, this was always how i was going to do things, i always knew when i’d do it and how and what i wanted to get done first and i’ve always had it in my mind no matter what i’m doing or talking about, and it doesn’t make me sad to think about it now that it’s not so far away? i’m literally sitting here counting down until it’s time (i’m staying to see the last two star wars movies first lmao i’ve still got A While) and it’s just another Thing. like i just feel totally chill about it and i’m actually in a better mood now that things are properly settled in my mind than i ever was when i had no idea what i was going to do in the future, like i’m appreciating everything so much more now and every conversation i have just feels. like i’m taking it all in and saying everything i want to say while i still can and making sure that people know i love them and. idk i’m sure it only makes sense in my head and would be awful & stupid to other people but like i’m so calm about it

like a few years ago i would’ve been wishing for help and for people to talk to me and for me to find a way to turn my whole life around and fix my v faulty brain, but now i feel like i’ve literally just crossed over a line somewhere, like past the point of no return, and now you could offer me all of that, you could offer me another way out and everything i’ve ever wished for, you could offer me Unlimited Happiness and true love if i keep living, and i’d literally be like “thanks but nah. i think i’ll leave anyway”

? like i’ve seen the world. i’ve tried it out. it’s lovely. it’s beautiful and i love the people i’ve met and i hope i’ve made a positive impact on them while i’ve been here. the stars are pretty. video games are Good. i love life - i just don’t love being a part of it. it’s just....... Not For Me. it’s never made me anything but miserable and literally every bad thing that could happen happens to me, esp mental health-wise. i’m so exhausted so like thanks for the trial run but it’s been terrible personally and i want the chance to opt out now

and i don’t even want to imagine how much worse i’d feel all over again about all of my mental and physical health problems if i didn’t have this because i’m literally coping with everything right now by thinking to myself “well i won’t have to deal with them for long anymore”, like everything in my life is now being dealt with via the ‘only a little longer’ mindset and if i had that taken away from me i’d be Destroyed yet again

but like legitimately i’ve just. since i was a child all life has been is depression and anxiety and anorexia and avpd and suicidal thoughts and literal physical & verbal child abuse as well as seriously fucked up domestic abuse where literal guns were involved towards my mum and then watching my dad get questioned by police and get charges pressed against him and then watching them get dropped and him never getting punished for any of it and carrying on w/ his life because police asked me to tell them about it while my mum stood there in the room the whole time to make sure i was covering for him and she would lie to my sisters when they asked me about what was going on and nobody ever believed me and even now if i mention it to friends i can never shake off the “oh my god they don’t believe me they think i’m lying and making it all up for attention” and i hate it. and i don’t hate him now bc he’s different now but my whole childhood was fear and violence and anger and nobody coming to my house because my friends were terrified of him even when he was acting nice for guests and it still affects me & my mum to the point where we were watching a video of my sister’s wedding a couple of months ago (which happened around the time the abuse was at its Absolute Height) and my dad came onscreen at one point without warning and i literally wanted to throw up and i was shaking and my mum got so bitter and sad and for a split second seeing him just like he was when it was all happening, it was like being back there and i just felt it all all over again and i felt so helpless and angry and i’d really been trying so so so hard to forget it all and i hate that nobody will ever know how bad it was or fully believe me when i reference it

and when i talk about me ‘dealing w/ anorexia’ i mean that’s literally. like if you don’t have an eating disorder you have no idea. a couple of my friends know that i have it and i know exactly what they think it’s like and they have n-o-i-d-e-a how bad it is and how all-consumingly it takes over your entire life, literally everything. it’s so different from what you hear about it and assume about it if you’re reading about it without experiencing it firsthand, it’s so much worse and so much more horrible and painful and for like 3 years now i’ve been able to think of nothing but weight and food and eating and how many weeks it’ll be until i can next eat something and it’s made me bitter and stressed and i’ve gotten literally nothing from it. like surprise! you don’t even always lose weight! that’s a possible side effect of an eating disorder, but thanks to Starvation Mode and the speed of ur metabolism, you could royally fuck up your life irreversibly, damage your internal organs, push away all of your friends and throw away your entire future as well as make yourself totally miserable and be at risk of dying and you’ll still be the same weight you were when you started! in fact u might even look bigger bc u’ll bloat constantly, even if all u did was have a drink! u will literally look pregnant! nobody will believe that ur eating disorder is serious bc even if u haven’t eaten for a month u’ll still look totally healthy! and if ur like me the Logical Solution to this will be deliberately dehydrating yourself to the point of passing out in front of people multiple times just so u aren’t bloated when they see u, bc they might think it’s fat! will that mean you’re able to stop starving urself bc you see that it’s not doing anything and ur not losing weight? nope! have fun continuing w/ putting urself through literal hell for nothing and also with massive crying panic attacks over half a pound of temporary water weight gained after drinking a cup of tea one day

and i’ve had to drop out of school and i’m never going to be able to work or live alone and i’m literally never going to be happy or enjoy life in the slightest so i’m literally like. why should i keep forcing myself through this. why should i stay here and have my whole life be like this and keep living for other people who make me feel miserable anyway, why shouldn’t i be selfish and make my own choice about whether or not i want to keep doing this all day every day for another 60+ years, why shouldn’t i get an option, why shouldn’t i be able to say “yeah this isn’t for me, i literally don’t remember feeling happy or loved at any stage in my life and it’s just not worth it for me, i’d quite like for everything to stop now, thank you for the opportunity”

like i know that’s selfish and unreasonable and i know it would make no sense if i ever tried to tell someone about it and i know that people would panic and try to change my mind and call people and like. get me put somewhere where i can’t do shit because they think i’ll change my mind one day or feel better later or they want me to stick around for them (tho there is a part of me that’s started thinking of that as like. why should i only be living for other people when i don’t want to, shouldn’t i be living for myself? shouldn’t that be the whole point? if i don’t want to do that and i’ve stuck around since i first started feeling this way when i was 11 purely for other people’s sakes and i’ve found that that just isn’t working out and hasn’t changed anything and at no point has anything gotten better like people always told me it would, why can’t i make this one really selfish choice for myself and say no thank you i’d like to make this decision for me now)

but vague bitterness aside, i’m past the “oh my god my life is horrible and i cry 24/7 and i just want to die, i’m going to end up killing myself and that’s awful and sad and i wish i wasn’t like this” stage that lasted literal years and i’m in the “yeah i’m definitely gonna be doing that, but that’s a peaceful and comforting thought rather than a depressing one, i feel much calmer and more clear-headed knowing that there’s an Exit in sight and i don’t have to do this for much longer”

and the fact that i’m sticking around as long as i am purely to watch the last two star wars sequel movies (or at least the next one, whether i want to wait for the last one or not depends on what happens in that) is probably also the dumbest-sounding thing i’ve ever said. like i wasn’t even supposed to be here that long. the whole thing since i was 11 was that i was supposed to be Very Dead by the end of 2017. i went through my last birthday with the assumption in my mind that it would be my last one. and i was v relieved about it. but ta-da! here we are and i accidentally got attached to star wars and then had a literal massive dramatic panic attack alone in my room as i tried to figure out how to deal w/ my Need to know what happens next with the thing i’ve been planning and that i’ve been comforted by the certainty of for years, eventually very reluctantly and miserably deciding that i’ll stay to see through to the end of these stupid-ass movies while also desperately hoping i’ll lose interest in them before then and can give up on that and it won’t be a problem anymore. and like there’s no going back after i’ve seen them. especially after changing plans to wait for the movies to come out, that’s already WAY TOO LONG and v much stresses me out to think about, i was NOT supposed to ever reach the age i’ll be when they’re done in a couple of years, so no matter what as soon as i’ve seen them i am Gone Bye Bye lmfao i’ll literally be rushing to do it out of panic by then bc of the Delay

and i always thought i’d stick around for my irl best friend, that’s how it was at first. there was one brief time during february 2014 (i think?) when i ended up almost doing something v permanent because i was v miserable and said best friend phoned me one night about how they were scared they were going to be kicked out of their house and sent to some random place in perth (which is pretty far away) and i told them they could stay at mine if they needed to, and thankfully they weren’t kicked out and things were resolved back then but i literally remember thinking to myself like. if something ever happened to them, i wanted to be there for them? i was like “if i’m dead i can’t help them, i can’t say ‘you can come to mine’ if they ever need to, i won’t be there to answer if they’re ever in another situation where they need to call someone” and i’ve never told them about this but they pretty much saved me back then just by doing that because i realised i couldn’t go through with it like a day before i was supposed to, i didn’t want to leave them

and like distantly, in a r e a l l y detached way, i’m sort of glad i don’t feel the need to do that anymore? like they did eventually end up getting kicked out not long ago and they did end up staying at my house (which i admittedly did for selfish reasons, i wanted to be useful and i wanted to feel like i was helping them and like i was keeping my promise to do that for them if they ever needed to) and now i’ve done that and they’ve met new friends and they’re just. doing so many wonderful things and we’ve drifted a little in the sense that i know they’ll be totally fine, i’ve sort of drifted from everyone, and that doesn’t only make me feel sad anymore? like i’m actually so proud of them, i’ve known my friends for years and watched them achieve so much and i know everyone will be okay and they’re all going to do so much w/ their lives and i wish them all the happiness & love in the world, and it’s sort of just really freeing to be able to say that i don’t feel like i need to stay for them, it won’t really affect their lives if i wasn’t here anymore (and i don’t even mean that to sound self-pitying or anything, it doesn’t make me upset to say that anymore, it’s literally just another thing i’m v accepting of), they have other people to call and other people to be with and i’m so happy for them

and it’s just totally changed the way i’m seeing things, like i might (depending on how i feel about my weight at the time lol bc that dictates Everything now, it’s great fun) be meeting up with a few friends in april and i don’t see them irl that often anymore, and i’m going into this knowing i’m very possibly seeing them for the last time? depending on whether we all get together in person again in the year or two afterwards? and it’s so strange idk. like it’s strange to think that i’m going into this and i’m going to be looking at them and wondering if i’ll see them again before it happens or if this’ll be the last time i do and. like it bothers me a little because they won’t know and us all meeting up that day won’t mean the same thing for them as it does for me, but i’m trying to let that feel freeing too

idk man everything’s just. i’m accepting everything. a lot of things that would have made me panic and cry and pity myself a few years ago just sort of gets a. “yeah, that’s true, and that’s okay, i’m not mad/sad about that anymore” response from me now because everything is just so much more ‘whatever’ now that i can tell myself i don’t need to feel all of this and think all of this for any longer than another couple of years and i just want to love & appreciate everything and everyone so there’s absolutely no mistake about what i think of anyone, like while i’m still here i want to spend that time making sure nobody can feel uncertain about how much i love them & how grateful i am, i want to make people as happy as i can and to tell them everything i love about them while i can

i used the word ‘freeing’ a minute ago and i guess that’s the term i’ve been looking for since the start of this shamefully long post and since i started thinking about all of this more concretely, knowing i have this actual solid way out and knowing when i’ll get there and how long it will take and how it will happen is so freeing and it’s just making everything feel more peaceful and meaningful (? that’s not quite the right term but) and i’m so determined not to let this get taken from me

#this is incoherent and is very much written for venting purposes #it's LITERALLY me talking to myself for like 15 paragraphs #idk how i'd feel about other people seeing this and this is v much a precarious place to post it lmao #but i have nowhere else and it's been upsetting me & distracting me to be thinking about it constantly #and knowing i can't tell anyone about it and knowing people will react badly and that i can't. share it w anyone like #i've been dealing w it on my own for years & years & it's very!! overwhelming #and i just want somewhere to say it that's not in my own head lmao #like i feel better just knowing it's Somewhere external #i feel like i've sort of finally talked about it without actually talking TO someone about it #which is basically what i needed #mine #anyway if someone is actually fucking bored enough to open what i've essentially just described as a screaming diary #please pay attention to the first few parts because that's the only reason i put them there just in case someone saw them #and. u know. probably don't keep reading if it doesn't sound like something u can agree to

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