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its-aji-here · 1 year

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It's Always You

Chapter 11: Sing Your Heart Out

A few days later…

Kim was invited to sing at the anniversary celebration of one of the biggest malls in the city. It is the first of the many shows he has booked for the next few weeks. He has a full calendar and he was happy about it. Kim is one of the biggest rising stars in the country and it shows through the number of events and shows he has been booking.

Kim just released his latest single the night before and tonight is the first time he will be singing it live. You're also coming to watch him at the mall show. It will also be the first time you will be seen with his family and their lovers. Time and Tay will be coming with you so you would not feel left out, although Kim’s big brothers are really fun, kind and humble people.

It also means his former lover will be in the mix. You have never met him in person though you have been seeing him in pictures. P’Tankhun has been especially proud of the younger male since he has been excelling in his studies and music unlike their youngest cousin who seems to struggle with his.

Kim asked the organizers to send his brothers and cousins invitations for the event. Fortunately, all of the Theerapanyakul boys decided to grace the event with their presence. It is the first event after a long while anyway. Kim went on a long hiatus after he and Porchay broke up. He lost all the will to write music—lyrics and melodies just won’t come to him. It felt like his music left him the moment the younger boy decided to turn his back on him and step out of his life.

However, it is only one person that Kim wants to be there—and he's not confident that he will see him there. He’s a total wildcard, extremely unpredictable. However, Kim hopes against all hopes that he will show up and watch Kim perform his song.

You stepped into the backseat of Time’s car. Your best friend was seated on the passenger seat across from his lover. His body is turned towards you at the backseat, a beautiful smile on his face. You reciprocated it before addressing Time that is busy maneuvering the car onto the highway with a hello.

“You look so excited,” Tay commented.

“Of course!” you answered enthusiastically. Tay shook his head as he turned back to face towards the front. “This will be the first time I get to watch him sing in his full element,” you sounded so wondrous and exuberant that Tay hesitates to burst your bubble.

Tay wanted to point out the latest song he released is another break up song. It is another song that illustrates how he has been longing for his former lover. He wanted you to open your eyes and be made aware of this fact.

Time noticed how worried, annoyed and anxious his lover looked. He took Tay’s hand to anchor him and calm him. Time watched as the little tension that the exuberance of the girl behind them brought Tay slowly dissipated. He offered Tay a reassuring smile when he noticed his lover take a glance his way. Tay squeezed his hand and exhaled a slow sigh to calm down.

You noticed Time’s hand holding onto Tay’s. It made a small smile appear on your lips. Your eyes shifted between the comforting and reassuring smile plastered on Time’s lips and the trust in your best friend’s eyes as he looked at his lover. It made you more appreciative of Time and his positive influence in your best friend’s life.

Although you have known Tay since you were in middle school, it was only in high school, when Time came into the picture, when you first saw Tay smile radiantly. The radiant and carefree smiles and laugh was thanks to the very person that holds him now.

Time was the person that took Tay out of his shell. He let him fully express himself and discover who he is. Time let Tay become the brave person he is today—a proud gay man who is not afraid to stand up for every thing or person he loves and what he believes in. Time is the foundation that ensures Tay will always be standing strong through quakes and obstacles that may shake him and who he is. Nevertheless, his presence in Tay’s life assures you that someone will be looking after you best friend even when you’re gone.

Kim had to come in for make up and styling, so he left earlier than everyone. Everyone else was still either sleeping or busy with their own businesses. It made him more worried and apprehensive about what can happen later at the event. After his stylist gave him the okay, he was ushered inside the van that will take him to the venue. Kim immediately took out his phone as soon as he got inside the van to check upon his brothers.

He exhaled a sigh of relief when his brother mentioned that he would be coming to watch him. On the other hand, it also made him more nervous and apprehensive. This will be the first time he will perform this song live. It’s the first time he will sing it in front of an audience, a crowd of people that includes the love he will never deserve to get back. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back to get a hold of his sanity. Kim was in the middle of performing a breathing exercise when his phone chimed. He took a look at the screen and found you shot him a text. He forgot that you will also be at the event.

After a few moments, the van arrived at the underground parking lot. It stopped by the door where all artists pass through to get to the dressing room at the back of the stage of their event hall. Kim was ushered by an army of guards, from the mall and from his brother’s personal army. Although the access was private, he still had to pass through the mall to get to the events mall. So, to make the journey easier, the mall had him ride a cart to minimize the time he had to spend on the main mall floor. Getting inside the venue, he was immediately pulled through sound checks and run-throughs which had become second nature to him. After a minor issue with his in-ear not working, he finally was able to get to his waiting room and relax before he needed to get on stage.

The boys arrived at the venue half an hour before the event was scheduled to start. They were photographed as they walked down the red carpet laid down for the prestigious guests. These two powerful families are known for being great clans of business tycoons, holding a few of the largest brands in the country. The Theerapanyakuls have some of the top hotels and resorts under their belts while the Kittisawasds own a few widely known fashion brands. It is what made them influential figures and widely known to the public even beyond Kim’s fame.

Kim was scrolling through the blue bird app as he waited for the event to start and for his cue. He saw the photos of his brothers from fans that know of them and from legitimate media entities covering the event. A photo of Porchay made him stop scrolling. He was wearing an all white outfit that made him look ethereal. Porchay looks like the angel that he is tonight. Kim sighed and locked his phone, willing the image of the younger male out of his head and failing. A few moments later, he was notified that the event is starting and he will be on in a few minutes.

Kim is already at the entrance to the stage, waiting for the performer before him to finish their stage. He was hiding behind the curtains, sneaking a peek at the crowd to look for his brothers, to look for him. He found Kinn and Porsche a few rows from the stage, but failed to locate him. Kim was still looking for Chay when the AD cued him for his turn. He greeted the crowd, smiling one of his brightest smiles due to the intense cheer of the crowd.

“Hello, guys,” he greeted once again as he was reaching the middle of the stage. “Are you having fun tonight?” The crowd cheered even louder as he looked around while standing on stage. He doesn’t have his guitar now, and it makes him feel naked and exposed. But the loud cheers from the crowd is boosting his confidence. He smiled again as he addressed the crowd more. “It’s been quite a while, right?” he chuckled at the disappointed rumble of the crowd. “I’m back now, and I’ve brought a few songs with me. Do you want to hear it?” the crowd answered him by shouting a collective ‘yes’ in perfect unison.

He looked at the band behind him with a smile to cue them before flashing a brighter smile at the roaring crowd again. The beginning notes of ‘Loop’ began resonating through the hall as the guitarist started strumming his guitar.

Kim watched as he began singing the first verse, letting each note engulf his being. He started to feel everything again, how he wrote this song on the first few days of Porchay walking out, how he struggled to put words into paper due to the multitude of things he wanted to express. It took him almost three months before he became satisfied with its sound.

His eyes roamed the venue as he started running out of words before the chorus. He gave up looking for Porchay and began singing with his whole heart, willing the younger man to hear his words. Kim sang his heart out, hoping he could hear his sincerity.

She watched Kim sing with everyone he’s got. Kim has always been a soulful singer. His voice has always been full of emotions whenever he sings for you. However, this is the first time he heard him sing like this. It’s like he has put his everything into the performance.

Soon, the first song ended and a spotlight opened to illuminate a seat behind a piano. You watched as Kim sat, fiddling with the keys before beginning to play the first few notes. Even through the noise of the crowd, you instantly recognized it as the song he drunkenly wrote while begging for the boy a few seats down to stay with him. It contains the words he longed to tell him but is now too late and he’s too afraid to utter them.

You watched as Porchay watched him with sad eyes and concern etched all over his face. The look he has been giving Kim at the stage is enough for you to know how much the two souls long for each other. Your focus on the younger male took your attention from Kim. You missed the look Kim gave when his eyes finally collided with younger male’s—full of longing, asking for forgiveness, begging him to never stop loving him. It was a look that did not escape his brother’s eyes.

The song ended and Kim stood up from the piano. He smiled like he did not just pour his heart and soul on the stage. It was breathtaking and you felt mesmerized by it. Kim addressed the crowd and told them how it's his last song. The audience gave a collective chant of disappointment and complaints—how it’s too short and too fast. He laughed at their complaints and apologized playfully before giving the band the cue to start playing the last song. It was another one of the many songs you heard him write for him. You felt Tay put his hand on your back, providing you comfort and reassurance. All you can do is fake a bright smile, telling him that you are okay.

Kim was the last person to perform for the event. He thanked everyone for coming and reminded them to go home safely. The lot stood up from their seats and began socializing with the many faces in the crowd. You looked at your best friend and saw him happily conversing with Pete. He was one of his fashion influences, being a person that is not afraid to wear anything and everything he feels like wearing. It is what made him boldly dress up every day. You’re happy for him and lets him have his fun. Unknowingly, a younger male was eye-ing you as you observed everyone else.

He looked at the male beside him who was busy with his phone. Sighing, he nudged his best friend to get his attention. Macau begrudgingly looked up and saw his best friend’s doe eyes. One of his eyebrows automatically came up in annoyance and curiosity.

Porchay was still holding on to the sleeves of his coat. He tried to pull his hand away, but Chay’s grip only tightened with every millimeter. Macau sighed while rolling his eyes and looked at Chay inquisitively.

“What is it?” Macau finally asked. “What do you want to do now?” Chay bit his lip as he stole quick glances to his side with just his eyes. Macau followed the direction he was looking at and found the older female enthusiastically chatting with a few people. He can only shake his head at the martyrdom of his best friend. “I’m not gonna help you with that,” he flatly declined.

“But Cau~!!” Porchay begs. He was giving the best doe eyes he can muster to persuade him to even just accompany him.

��You will only hurt yourself, Porchay, and I want no part of that,” Macau gave him a flat look, taking out his phone again.

“Macau~ Please??” Chay begs as he sways his hold on Macau’s arm. “You just have to stand beside me,” he flashed the other boy a begging look, trying to persuade him with all his might.

“Then, tell me, Chay. Why do you desperately want to speak with her?” Porchay can hear Macau’s annoyance in his tone. “You will only be hurting yourself,” Macau sighs.

“I just want to befriend her,” Porchay uttered. “you looks like a good person, Cau. It’s not her fault that you fell in love with Kim,” he reasons. “Besides, I don’t want her to think I hate her when I don’t even remotely feel any negative emotions for anyone,” Porchay fiddled with his fingers as he explained to Macau his thinking.

Macau sighed. He knows he can’t dissuade the latter from wanting to interact with the female. “You’re too kind for this world, Chay,” Macau sighed and took Chay’s arm to start pulling him in the direction of the older female.

Porchay smiled at his best friend while Macau just continued to look annoyed. He enthusiastically walked with Cau towards the female, trying hard to calm his nerves and not show how he truly felt. The circle of people that surrounded you dissipated as they came nearer, like they knew that Porchay was coming. Macau and Porchay stood in front of you—Cau looked like he’d rather be somewhere else (which he does) and Chay trying his hardest to flash a friendly smile. You can only look at them with astonishment and awe.

“Hi!” Porchay greeted you. “I think you already know us,” he said with a giggle. “But, I’m Porchay and this grumpy gremlin here is my best friend Macau,” he introduced the both of them. Macau huffed at the description Porchay gave, which made the other boy giggle even more in amusement.

You were shook out of your stupor by his melodic giggle. Chuckling at your ridiculousness, you flashed them a bright smile. “Uhm… yea,” you answered shyly. “It’s nice meeting you both,” you added.

“So…” Porchay cutely put his hand together as he swayed back and forth on his foot.

He was about to ask more about you when a hand and an arm suddenly came around you which took their attention. Your face lit up as you turned to face the owner of the hand. Porchay’s and Macau’s eyes followed the arm that led to the face Macau hates the most at this time. Kim was looking at them as Porchay’s bright smile slowly dimmed and Macau’s face became even gloomier, the tension between the three males becoming even heavier.

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fanykuroi · 2 years

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New KinnPorsche OneShot. Hope you guys enjoy!!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/42129024 #KinnPorsche #KinnPorscheAU #fanfiction #ao3 #kinntheerapanyakul #porschepacharakittisawat https://www.instagram.com/p/CjZRQIuNRqV/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#kinnporsche #kinnporscheau #fanfiction #ao3 #kinntheerapanyakul #porschepacharakittisawat

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kirmfan · 1 year

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For another KinnporscheAU story that combines the world of KP and TLoU

Wicked Grace by Ahdriking 😊

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45588094/chapters/114711130

#kinnporsche au

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chelleofchaos · 6 months

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Title: Darling, Be More 💞

Rating: Explicit

Pair: Kinn x Porsche

Word-Count: 30K

Summary:

The Proposal- Loosely based on the movie "The Proposal" - Kinn (an alpha) works as a personal assistant for Porsche (an omega) for 2 years when both are stuck with a predicament only the other can help with. Porsche escaping a marriage contract with a business partner & Kinn bringing someone with him for a big birthday party in Paris. They go on a small journey of discovery that was 2 years in the making...

**Disclaimer: This vaguely hints at omegaverse themes (ABO) & Mpreg**

Link: archiveofourown.org/works/51833176

#kinnporscheau #kinnporsche #kinn theerapanyakul #porsche #my fic #drama #fanfic #ao3fic #mxm romance #mafia romance #the proposal

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enletrecer · 2 months

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Em chamas #TemTankhun #KinnPorsche - Confissões... (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1436326169-em-chamas-temtankhun-kinnporsche-confiss%C3%B5es?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading&wp_uname=lisselvadorameira Tem e Tankhun nunca se encontraram, mesmo que trabalhem para a indústria do entretenimento. Mas um dia, quando as coisas deram muito errado, eles correram para o mar. Para a morte. Para a vida. Para o desconhecido. Não interessa. O mar cura o corpo e liberta a alma... <🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹> ☆ História de fã para fã. ☆Alguns Personagens não me pertencem. ☆ A história faz parte de um universo alternativo de KinnPorsche. ☆É um casal fantasma (Ghost ship).

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chelleofchaos · 1 year

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Tactical Gambit (MileApo Fanfic)

Title: Tactical Gambit

Pairing: Mile Phakphum Romsaithong x Actor Nattawin Wattanagitiphat

Fandom: KinnPorsche RPF/ KinnPorsche

Summary: Through an antiquated blood-contract of decades past, Mile Phakphum Romsaithong finds himself bound to be married for a minimum of one year to the contract holder's only child, Apo Nattawin Wattanagitiphat. Born with a golden spoon in his mouth, servants that did everything for him, Mile makes automatic assumptions of his future husband's personality based off of the family he was coming from. Even after time has passed between them, their home was only an icebox that held their mundane greetings to each other, barely there glances, and their contract stipulated one night/one morning meals. He would much rather work ... until he notices Apo returning home late, littered with bruises, and cancellations of their meals. Understanding his husband becomes as hard a task as investigating an elusive vigilante with surreal golden eyes, a mischievous streak, and both held his attention equally. Will they discover that there was more to Apo than met the eye?

(Vigilante x Detective AU) (Arranged Marriage AU)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/46911178

#MileApo MilePhakphum Nattawin #kinnporscheau #ao3 #fanfic #rpf fic #myfic #mature themes #romance #angst #gaytheme #arranged marriage #secret identity #vigilante #mxm #mxm romance #mxm smut #drama #alternate universe #fanfiction

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its-aji-here · 1 year

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It's Always You

Chapter 14 : Realizations and Urgencies

A few weeks ago...

Present day...

You were looking around, waiting for Time and Tay to come back to the hall. It has been five minutes since you received the last message from him, telling you to stay put. While you were watching Kim’s cousin and his boyfriend across the hall, you noticed Kinn approach them with Khun and Porsche. A few moments later, Macau and Porchay also approached beside them. The group looked like they were having serious discussions.

Porchay was sending Kinn a confused look when Vegas whispered in Macau’s ears. A moment later, the youngest of the Theerapanyakul boys pulled his best friend away from the huddle. Porchay was trying to pull away and go back to the huddle, but Macau was holding him tightly. The older Theerapanyakuls were huddling even closer. Khun looked disappointed while Vegas was trying to reason with them.

You were too engrossed in what was happening across the hall that you startled when you felt a hand on your shoulder. Turning abruptly in surprise, you were greeted by the face of your best friend and his lover. There were also surprised expressions on their faces while they were looking back at her.

“Are you okay, babes?” Tay asked with a chuckle. Time was also chuckling at the incredulity of the situation beside his lover.

You cannot help but also laugh with them. Shaking the haze off your head, you slipped an arm through your best friend’s. “I’m okay, babes. Are we ready to go?” you asked them.

“We took a long time to get back, didn’t we?” Time asked impishly.

You smiled up at your two best friends, loving how it feels having people who will run to your aid when you need them. “I don’t mind,” your smile was warm and bright. “Besides, people watching is fun,” you wiggled your brows cunningly at the two.

Both men laughed at you and your antics. They love each other’s shenanigans and laugh at whatever game you invent by watching crowds of people. But, it’s also because they rarely find you smiling or laughing the way there is a bright upward tilt to your lips now.

“What game did you come up with now?” Tay asked you as the three of you started walking out of the venue.

He was met with a giggle while you slip your arms through Time’s arm to keep them close to you. “I was guessing what disease this woman has that everyone seems to want to get away from her,” you smiled up at them connivingly. Both boys sent you incredulous looks. You just laughed.

“So, I’ve been watching this woman talk to various groups of people. Then, I notice that one or two people would slip out of the huddle a moment later with horrified looks on their faces,” you narrate, giggling here and there. “I was trying to figure out what was so horrific about her or her words that they ran from the hills,” you smiled at them.

“Well? What’d you find out?” Time asked with a laugh and biting curiosity. The three of you were weaving through huddles of people scattered all over the venue.

Another bout of mischievous giggles came out from between your lips as you tighten your hold on their arms. “Turns out, she’s that eccentric aunt every family has who also does not know how to hold back,” you cackled at what you found, which made the two men laugh.

Everyone can hear your melodic laugh as the three of you walk out of the door of the venue. Unbeknownst to you, an older couple was watching your exchange. The woman was full of contempt while the older man was filled with longing and concern. He watched you, the young girl in the group, step out of the venue doors, laughing and full of life. He has never seen you smile or laugh like you were doing just now with your friends. The man felt grateful to the two men that were accompanying his baby girl. He glanced down and saw the expression on his wife’s face. It made the regret, dread and disdain grow bigger in his chest.

A few days later...

Kim has been sitting on the carpeted floor of his apartment. In front of him lies the box that kept items that represent his memories with the most important person in his life now. The exchange of messages with Vegas provided him an idea on where he should start: himself.

He figured he needs to unravel all his feelings and emotions—his insecurities, doubts, fears, concerns, misbeliefs and indecisions. He needs to zero-in on every emotion he feels and compartmentalize his thoughts. Each piece of polaroid he took out reminds him of happier times, when it feels like heaven.

Every polaroid photo reminds him of the days when he was happier. There were also a few knick knacks—concert and movie tickets, cardboard coasters from cafés, cup sleeves—that he kept to remember their dates. All of it reminds him of the days when he was trying really hard to seem so strong and hide the pain that remained from the fallout. Something that Kim was so ashamed about since he had Porchay live through it with him. He was also afraid that Porchay will always look at him as that man who fell to the ground, crying his eyes out because it was just too painful to lose that part of his life.

He did not have to hide, but he still did. Kim just did not want Porchay to worry, nor let the younger boy see him weak when Kim should be his pillar. He tried so hard to act the part when he did not have to, and Kim just fell apart in the seams. It was an act he should never have started since it was unnecessary, and he sees it now—very clearly.

Yet, he could not take the thought of the woman he chose to try with off his mind. He shouldn’t. It was nice, the thought of loving her. She made it look easy; loving her, committing to her. She has no idea of his dark sides and thoughts. Also, she has not witnessed all the gloom and doom that has been his relationship with his father after music.

It’s one of the reasons he dreaded seeing Porchay. He already saw and heard everything. Porchay knows the inner workings of his mind; his thoughts, fears and insecurities. That is what scared him the most, and the very thought that Porchay would someday regret ever loving him, a weak and insecure mess. It is not what he deserves.

It’s just not it.

Not him.

He deserves someone better.

But, all of them are right. It also means that he should have heeded the pieces of advice his brother and cousin have been giving him. He should have heeded them instead of waiting over a year, trying to make something work when it never will.

It was okay to have fears, uncertainties and doubts. His fears were called for but also unnecessary; having doubts is normal. All of it just means that he loves Porchay enough to be concerned about his welfare, his future.

However, she also has been a catch. She has been his rock over the last year. Being with her was easy. It was worriless… most of the time. She made him forget all his insecurities and doubts. Maybe it is because she never knew the dark sides of his life, he never wanted her to know. Keeping the gloom and doom from her was liberating. It was liberating for Kim that he will always be just Kim, the

Yet, it was still unfair. It is unfair to her that she does not get to know all of Kim. Moreover, despite all his best efforts—even if he really wanted to—he never seems to love her like he loves Porchay. And, he has always known that he can never reciprocate her feelings. He has always known and chose to stay, thinking that someday—if he tries hard enough—he will learn to love her. It was obvious, yet he refused to see it and acknowledge it.

He was busy putting back the photos and other memorabilia inside the box again when his phone started ringing. One look at the screen tells him it’s Tay. He ignored it first, thinking that it’s not urgent and he’ll call them back later. But, it rang again a few seconds later. Figuring it was urgent, he picked up the call and put it on speaker.

“Tay, I’m occupied right now—” Kim told Tay as soon as he switched the speaker on.

Tay cut him off, sounding really panicked and urgent. “Kim, I need you to come right now,” anyone can hear the tears in Tay’s voice. “Kim, s-she really needs you r-right now and I-I c-can’t handle it anymore,” it’s apparent that Tay is shaking by the sound of his voice.

“I’m coming,” was the only thing Kim could say. He picked up his phone from the table and ran to his bedroom to change clothes. It did not take him more than ten minutes before he emerged from his bedroom in more decent clothes and out the door, car keys in hand.

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its-aji-here · 1 year

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It's Always You

Chapter 13 : Interlude

On the other hand, Macau and Porchay are still inside. The three of them were awkwardly standing together. Porchay was trying really hard to engage her in a conversation. Macau can’t help but roll his eyes. Taking out his phone, Macau shot Porchay a text to ask him about the bullshit he said when he introduced them. Seeing the two younger individuals sent each other messages, albeit regrettably for Porchay’s part, Kim’s girlfriend excused herself. She flashed them an awkward smile before walking away to talk to other people she knows that attended the event. Macau sneered at her as she was walking away.

Kim sighed and took out his phone as his big brother walked away. He felt it vibrate a few minutes ago but was too preoccupied by his conversation with his brother.

The screen lit up as he brought it out of his pocket showing him that his girlfriend sent him a message. It made another sigh slip from between his lips. Kim still does not know what he will do. He’s still contemplating how to better approach the inevitable. Like it or not, he will have to hurt her one last time, and he does not know how she will handle the pain.

Still, tonight is not the best time. Kim started typing a reply to her. He decided to put off meeting her and spending time with her since he is still trying to decide how he will go about things.

After receiving her reply, he locked his phone screen and leaned back. He reclined further until his head was laying on the backrest of the bench. Busying himself with what little glittering stars can be seen in the night sky, he concocted the beginnings of a plan in his head. A few moments later, he felt his phone vibrate again. He brought it up to his face, seeing messages from Vegas and from Kinn on the group chat room they made for them, cousins. Kim began with Vegas’ message.

Kim just read your message and did not respond anymore. Letting a sigh slip from her lips, you exit the message window for Kim to shoot your best friend a message. Although you know that Tay will always come to your rescue, no questions asked, you really hate asking him for help every time. You already owe him too much and it made you feel less—less of a friend and less of a person. Nevertheless, you have no other choice now.

Kinn took out his phone as he walked back inside the mall, on his way back to the events hall. Most people, save from a few staff and security services, have already left the mall. It’s well past midnight, about an hour since the mall’s official closing hours, so Kinn did not really think much of it. He found Porsche messaged him a few minutes earlier and he missed it. Kinn shot him back a message which he immediately replied to. He bet his lover has been checking his phone every few seconds to check if Kinn has answered his text. Kinn shot a message on their group chat too before going back to the message window of his lover.

Kim was offended by the audacity of his brothers and cousins to talk in their group chat like he’s not part of it. He decided to shoot them a message. Kinn and Vegas just shot him back with reaction emojis instead of replying. He just shut off his phone screen with an exasperated sigh, annoyed at his family.

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its-aji-here · 1 year

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It's Always You

Chapter 12: I See You Now

Kim watched as the smile on Porchay’s face slowly dimmed until it completely faded. On the other hand, Macau was glaring at him from beside Chay. He chose to ignore his younger cousin. However, Porchay’s eyes were shifting between the man he does not dare to possess and the woman beside him. He felt like someone was trying to pull his heart out based on the pain he was feeling on his chest.

The feel of someone’s fingers on his cheek brought his attention back to the present. He looked down at the woman beside him, following the arm that owns the hand lightly brushing his cheek.

You were smiling at him, taking pride in the thought that he is standing beside you, albeit his heart and mind are yearning for the boy across from you. Despite that knowledge, you're determined to keep him with you for however long you can manage. Flashing the brightest affectionate smile you can muster, you brushed off the strands of hair hanging in front of his face, slightly grazing his cheek.

“You did so amazing, love,” you proudly muttered as you tucked the strands behind his ear. He gave you a grateful smile, yet his eyes looked so dead, unlike when he was looking at the younger male across from you.

A clearing of someone’s throat took both of your attention. You looked at the two persons standing across you while Kim looked at the people around, trying to locate his brothers. “I apologize, boys,” you addressed them impishly. Turning to Porchay, you flashed an inquisitive smile, silently hoping that your envy and jealousy was not showing through. “Were you about to ask me something?” you asked Porchay.

Macau released an obnoxious scoff, seeing through the veil that you so hardly put up. Your well-placed smile slightly faltered, it was barely noticeable. It earned him a slight smack on his tummy from Porchay as a warning. The latter shot him a reproaching look, telling him to behave. You watched as Macau rolled his eyes although they became softer when it landed on the softer-looking boy. After reprimanding his best friend, Porchay turned back to the couple in front of them, although he refused to even glance at the older male.

He flashed you a soft and shy smile, fiddling with his fingers by his chest. There was a visible blush blooming on his cheeks, making him look more like an edgy cherub in his all white outfit. “I just wanted to tell you Macau and I,” the uninterested look on Macau’s face morphed into one of confusion and reproach. Porchay pinched Macau’s side to stop him from protesting. “Macau and I are pleased to meet you and want to become your friend. After all, you are dating his cousin,” he covered his mouth because of bashfulness, letting out a small laugh.

Watching the younger male, you came to understand how Kim was not able to stop loving him. Chay was everything that is pure in this world. He was innocent, kind and humble. you can’t find anything hostile, antagonistic or malicious in the way he addresses. In fact, it is quite the contrary. All you can feel from his energy is warmth, acceptance and comfort. Despite your desire to hate the boy, you just can’t find yourself to feel anything negative. A small, fond smile also bloomed on your lips, in spite of yourself.

“It was my pleasure,” you uttered. Macau can see the conflict in your eyes, yet he chose to not comment on it.

Kim cannot help but feel anxious and apprehensive as he watches you and Porchay interact. He can’t help but feel nervous about his two worlds colliding––a past he cannot let go and a present he needs to free.

Feeling restless and anxious, he looked around for his big brothers. He found them a few meters away from where he and the two boys were standing. Relieved to find them, he immediately excused himself and approached his brothers. He left a lively Porchay with you, knowing that whatever happens, he will always treat others with warmth and sympathy.

“Kinn,” he called on his second eldest brother. Khun, Porsche and Kinn were talking to a few people that looked to run on their circle. Coming closer, Kim heard them spitting statistics and stock prices with other unfamiliar terms in between. “Kinn,” Kim called his brother again, this time he was successful since the older man turned at the sound of his voice.

Kinn smiled at the group of men and excused himself. “What’s wrong, Kim?” Kinn asked as soon as he saw the anxious look in his younger brother’s face. “Did something happen?” his Hia was worried.

“Hia, I need to talk to you,” Kim sighed. “But, not here,” he added as he looked at the crowd surrounding them.

Kinn looked around, seeing the collection of guests scattered all over the events hall. It is very likely that someone will be eavesdropping on their conversation with how packed the hall is.

He nodded at Kim before approaching Khun and Porsche to tell them that they will be stepping away for a while. Kim saw Khun wanting to come with them, but Kinn was able to dissuade him with the help of Porsche.

A few moments later, Kinn stepped away from the two men and walked towards him. Kinn took his shoulder, laying his arm over it and started dragging him along. Kim voluntarily went with his older brother, feeling relieved that he can talk to him now. Yet, his eyes met yours as they were walking out. You shot him an inquisitive look that he reciprocated with a reassuring one, telling you it’s nothing serious.

The brothers decided to make full use of the small park inside the mall property. It was filled with plants and large trees, and benches scattered in regular intervals. Kinn pulled his younger brother to the middle of the park where there were less people.

Kinn stared at Kim who was fidgeting beside him. He’s just waiting for the younger male to finally confide in him. Although he already knows about what happened between his brother and Porchay, he does not intrude on his brother’s affairs. Kim already came to him a few times, but all he has ever done is listen to what Kim had to say and advise him on matters objectively.

Kim gulped and rubbed his face with the palm of his hand as he sighed. He took a deep breath before turning towards his brother with confusion in his eyes, like a lost child. “Hia,” Kim called Kinn. He raked his hand through his hair again as he tried to find the right words to phrase his question. “Have you—“ Kinn raised an eyebrow when Kim abruptly stopped. Kim sighed, feeling nervous and apprehensive. He looked away from his brother before uttering his question. “Have you ever thought about not deserving P’Porsche or his love?” Kim rubbed his palm on his thighs to stop himself from fidgeting.

Kinn watched his younger brother as he squirms in his seat and fidget with everything—from his fingers, the helm of his coat to the wood of the bench. He felt a fond smile bloom on his face because of the way Kim was acting beside him. Reminiscing the days when Kim was still young and Kinn was already in high school, he thought his younger brother is the same cranky kid that sulked because he did not get the toy he was asking for. The thought made Kinn release a fond chuckle which caused Kim to look at him with knotted brows. He just shook his head at Kim.

“Why are you laughing?” there was annoyance in Kim’s voice.

“I just remembered something. Don’t mind me,” Kinn answered as he scratched the tip of his nose.

“Just answer my question, Hia,” Kim groaned, feeling anxious and ashamed.

Kinn took a deep breath to calm himself before clearing his throat. “You want to know if I ever thought Porsche was too good for me?” he asked Kim. His younger brother nodded with eagerness and anticipation. He gave him a small smile. “Always,” was his simple answer.

Kinn saw Kim’s curiosity and wonder grow through eyes. He’s sure that his answer both confused and satisfied his brother’s mind. “Why?” Kim asked.

“What do you mean ‘why’?” Kinn asked in confusion.

“Why do you think you don’t deserve P’Porsche?” Kim clarified. He looked intently at his brother, his fingers remained locked and stopped fidgeting.

Kinn looked up at the night sky. There were barely any stars since the city lights are overpowering the glow of most of the celestial bodies. Nevertheless, a small but fond smile remained on his face.

“Everyone knows our story,” Kinn began. His smile dimmed as he remembered the past. “The society we lived in was not as forgiving as it is now,” he gave Kim a side glance. “It was harsher on people like us, people that chose to stray away from what society dictates is right—from what most people deem is normal,” he continued. Kinn sat up straighter and fixed his gaze on the bank of shrubs across from them. “A lot of people were against the kind of relationship we have. People that chose to be open about being gay, loving someone in the same gender and committing to a relationship with that person… were were made outcasts by everyone. It was all taboo,” he scoffed at the thought of every person that called him names and mocked him for everything he is. “I had been afraid of ever admitting that I liked men,” he confessed.

Kinn noticed his younger brother’s surprised and confused look–eyes bulging, forehead knitted, mouth hanging open. He laughed at his expression. For Kim, his older brother has always been proud about who he is. He never thought Kinn ever felt ashamed or resentful of his identity.

“Believe me. I had been afraid of telling anyone that I prefer men and don’t find women attractive in that way,” Kinn laughingly said. “It was especially pressuring since our family is such well-respected and revered by most,” he sighed. “But, Porsche… He was a different breed of proud and confident,” Kinn chuckled at the thought of his lover and their first encounter. “He was beating up the asshole that called him a fag when we actually met,” he laughed at the memory.

“What?” Kim was surprised. His brother was only laughing while nodding his head. Kim’s eyebrow knitted in confusion again. “I thought the first time you saw him was at the school fitness gym, when you were coming in to work out,” he recited his brother’s response when they asked how he first met Porsche.

Kinn laughed louder. “That’s just it, Kim,” Kim got even more confused. “I first saw him when we bumped into each other at the fitness gym at school,” Kinn started explaining. “But, I never said that was the first time he saw me nor met me,” he laughed. Kim’s mouth hung loose since his mind is a jumbled mess of confused thoughts. He looked incredulously at his brother. Kinn laughed again because he found his brother’s confusion endearingly funny. “Okay, I’ll explain,” Kinn conceded with a chuckle as he sat straighter and cleared his throat.

“You better. Because my head hurts from trying to understand what you mean,” Kim glared at his brother.

“Like I said, I first saw Porsche when I was entering the school fitness gym some time in junior year at college,” Kinn began with a small smile on his lips. “He was coming out of the facility with his friends and I was just about to get inside. He was at the head of their group. Hence, he was the one who had to push the glass door open and held it until I was able to get inside. That and his mirthy laugh as he joked with his friends was what caught my attention,” you can see the fondness in Kinn’s expression.

“He did not really stop to take a good look at me, only I did that with him. I did not formally meet him until 10 months later, when I saw him beating up the asshole that called him names,” Kinn explained. Kim nodded as he slowly understood the situation. He rolled his eyes since his brother can be really sappy, which made the older male laugh hard again.

“As I was saying, Porsche was a whole different story to me,” Kinn began his story again. “He was never ashamed of who and what he was. Although he does not outrightly say his sexuality or preference, he never hid it either,” a fond and proud smile is permanently etched on his lips at the thought of his lover and his outlook on life. “It was already obvious and there is no need for explanations. That is what he believes," Kinn also adopted that philosophy and found himself happier.

"I was the one who held him back from the fight and dragged him away from the asshole, though that dirtbag deserved the beating he got,” Kinn sneered when he remembered that asshole’s face. “We both were called to the office and got in a little trouble,” he shook his head, a fond smile came back on his lips. “Thankfully, the dean recognized that it was not our faults and only gave us demerits for punishments. Porsche still felt sorry, so he asked me to come and eat with him, his treat, as compensation for also getting me in trouble,” Kinn reminisced.

The memory will never fade from his mind. He can still remember how Porsche was so impish as he looked embarrassed and shy as he asked Kinn to eat with him. He thinks Porsche was afraid that he would reject, which did not happen. Kinn was happy to take the opportunity and get to know the person that took his breath away a few months prior.

He remembered Porsche not seeming like the son of a powerful family to him. The other man spoke and acted like he came from a normal household, one that does not hold power in the fashion industry. He was kind, humble and compassionate to everyone he met. Porsche dragged him to a food stall where you will eat your food on a table at the side of the street. That was the first time Kinn ever ate at a place like that. Porsche ordered everything his eyes landed on. Surprisingly, Kinn loved the food. They came back many times after that and every moment they spent is a fond memory for the older boy.

“I remembered thinking how interesting of a character he was. Porsche was unashamed, unapologetic and carefree. He was proud of who he is and took no shit from others,” Kinn looked at his brother who was intently listening to him.

"It is also why I had believed I didn't deserve him," he smiled sadly. "You see, I was ashamed of myself, afraid that everyone will turn their backs on me when they learn about who I am," Kim was about to protest, but his older brother covered his mouth. "I know, you dimwit! I will always have you and Hia Khun, and I'm grateful for that. But, that was then. It's not the case now," he chuckled.

"I believed that he deserves someone who will be proud to say they're his and he is theirs. Porsche deserved someone that can give him the world, unashamed. And, I thought that it was not me," he admitted.

"I was really conscious of what other people thought about me. Back then, I minded and weighed other people's opinions about me so heavily. I wanted to please everyone that I was unknowingly placing such immense pressure over my shoulders. As I have been saying since earlier, although society has already been accepting of homosexuality, it has not been as welcoming as it is now,” Kinn gulped as he remembered the fear he felt back then. “People had their eyes on our family. We were always watched. I remember hating being born in an influential family as ours,” Kim saw a shameful smirk come about Kinn’s lips.

“I wished that I was born in a normal family so that people would not care about me and not watch my every move,” Kinn confessed as he crossed his legs. “I was also envious of Porsche and how carefree he is despite the circumstances we face,” Kinn leaned back more comfortably in their seat.

“As I was saying, after realizing I was slowly falling for Porsche but thinking I’m not good enough, I was okay with being his friend, but nothing beyond that. Not that I did not want to. Oh, you have no idea how much I yearned for that jerk of a lover of mine," Kinn cannot help but chuckle at his foolishness and naivety.

"That bullshit of a hoax I was trying to pull lasted for almost half a year. And, it was pure torture," Kim can see the pain still lingering inside his older brother's eyes. He can't describe how profound it looked on the older man. "It was a kind of torture that eats you from the inside and destroys everything within you. Each instance that I see him smile, watch him laugh and be himself made me fall for him even more. Each second and moment that I was not able to tell him how I feel and claim him as mine was excruciating,” Kinn’s voice broke, as if he was living that time again. “It pained me so deeply that I cannot proudly tell the world that I love that man with all of my being. I was so deep into my denial and my struggle to restrain myself that I was blinded. It made me blind to his feelings, that I was already hurting him unknowingly," Kinn looked at his brother and gave him a sad smile. "And, honestly, it's what you are doing to Porchay and yourself right now, dear brother," he uttered frankly.

Kim felt ashamed because of the honest evaluation his brother gave him. He dropped his head so his brother would not see tears brim his eyes. Although his brothers do not meddle with his life, he knows that they can still see and notice everything. However he tries to hide, there is no cover that his brothers cannot penetrate.

Kim felt Kinn wrap him in a warm embrace. It was a hug that meant to tell Kim he does not need to put a front nor pretend to not hurt in front of his brothers. Kinn was telling him that he's always available for Kim to approach and always ready to listen. The hug was full of warmth, comfort and love that the tears Kim was trying so hard to suppress freely fell.

"You're brave and strong, our little brother," Kinn stroked his back to comfort and appease him. "But, Kim, sometimes our strength comes from our weaknesses. We sometimes need to be vulnerable to be strong, little brother," he continued. Kim let out a sob as his last straw of strength flushed out of his body. He held onto his brother's arms that tightened around him more.

"I know you were afraid to feel and seem vulnerable in front of Chay, Kimhan. And, I understand where you are coming from. I see why you refuse to. But, Kimhan," Kinn pulled one of his hands away to stroke Kim's hair. "Being the older one does not mean you need to be strong all the time, because you don't. It's okay to fall apart, little brother. Let Chay piece you back together. That is all he ever wants from you," was Kinn's advice.

Kinn continued to hold his younger brother as he cried his eyes out. Although it breaks his heart to hear his brother's sobs, he can't do anything but let him release everything he feels. Kim needs to cry his eyes out. It took a whole year before he let it happen, anyway. Kim needed this, and he was grateful that Kinn was there to somehow hold him together as he fell apart.

“We’re not the ones who can say what other people deserve, Kim. Neither one of us had the right to,” Kinn spoke again as he continually tried to comfort his brother. “That was what Porsche taught me. It’s what I wanted you to realize, baby bro,” he told him.

It took a while for Kim to stop crying. Kinn slowly let go as he felt Kim gradually calm down. Kim rubbed his face with his palm, uncaring of erasing his makeup. He felt his older brother pat his back as he rose out of his despair. Wiping his remaining tears away, Kim looked up at the night sky and watched what glittering stars were showing.

“I took his choice away by doing this, did I?” he asked his brother. Kinn looked at him, a glimmer of pride shining in his eyes. He hummed in assent to Kim’s question. “That was unfair of me,” Kim sighed with the realization. It’s not a question, but Kinn still hummed in assent.

The brothers remain silent for some time. Kim was reflecting on everything—from his decisions, insecurities, opinions and what he assumed was the right thing for him and Porchay. Kinn let his brother have his silence, to think and reflect. He was happy to just accompany him, to be there for him, to not let him feel alone.

“It’s the right thing to do, right?” Kinn heard his younger brother ask after a few moments. He turned to look at Kim. “It’s what I should do, right?” Kim asked again as he turned to his brother.

Kinn’s eyes looked directly and intently at the younger man’s. He saw fear and apprehension clouding them. Yet, he can also see a resolve that was missing from those sad eyes the past year. This resolve was made from love, one that was pure and unconditional. Although there is not much context to the question, he knows that what his brother is thinking about involves the decision he has to make for his relationship.

Kinn patted his brother’s shoulder before standing up. “Always remember, Kim,” he said as straightens his suit. Kinn looked at his younger brother with an encouraging smile as he pulled on the sleeve of his suit to fix it, “Khun and I will always be behind you, no matter what you decide to do,” he continued as he buttoned his coat. He gave Kim one last shoulder pat before walking away, back to where he knows his lover is anxiously waiting for him.

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its-aji-here · 1 year

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It's Always You

Chapter 10 : I Chose to Feel the Pain

Tay decided that a simple sandwich and some chamomile tea will suffice for now. Your stomach might not be able to keep the food down if he gives you anything else. Noë was sitting beside him as he boiled water and finished up the sandwich he was putting together. Amused by how Noë was patiently waiting for some scraps from the sandwich ingredients, he fed the huge white dog some leftover cucumbers and tomatoes. It happily munched on the crunchy ingredients.

Tay patted Noë’s head as he picked up the electric kettle that just got done boiling and poured its contents in the tea kettle. There already are some loose chamomile leaves inside the sifter making the color of the water instantly change as he pours water. Tay waited for a few more moments to let the tea infuse a little more before deciding to go back to his best friend. He placed everything he prepared atop the tray that doubled as a small table and brought it inside his best friend’s bedroom.

Tay found you still sitting on your bed, blankly staring at the floor. He placed the tray at the foot of the bed before approaching his best friend. Taking you by the arm, he carefully stood you up to unfold the bed. After taking your duvet out of the way, he sat you on the bed, making you lean on the head board. He gently smiled at you as he folded the duvet over your limp form. After ensuring you comfortably sat, he took the tray from the foot of the bed and placed it in front of you.

“You should eat love,” he gently told you as he poured tea on your teacup. “The chamomile tea will relax you. Drink some, okay?” he finished.

He picked up one of the well-constructed triangular sandwiches on the plate and put it on your hand. Wanting you to take a bite, he guided your hand with the sandwich to your mouth. You had no intention of eating. Yet, a few moments later, you started nibbling on the food in your hand mindlessly. The action put a sad but still satisfied smile on Tay’s face. It made him feel a little relieved. You're not completely out of it, or he would have to force you to keep your food down.

He sat beside you as you continued to take small bites of the sandwich. You're still staring at nothing, eyes blank and unseeing, and Tay cannot stand the sight. He did once find you in a worse condition, unwashed and severely traumatized. However, your eyes were not as soulless and empty as it was now. Even then, he can see you sorrow, pain, longing and pleas. Your eyes were pleading back then; pleading for attention, for empathy, for kindness, for understanding and for love. You were begging, pleading for someone to hear your cries for love and understanding.

“Babe…” Tay calls for you endearingly.

You continue to look blankly at your duvet, nibbling at your sandwich. The sight makes him want to cry, yet he refuses to. He needs to stay strong for you. You need him as your pillar.

“B-Babes… Lovey…” he tried again in a broken voice.

Tay softly took your jaw in both his hands and lifted your face so he could stare at your eyes. He gave you a small, sympathetic smile to tell you that he’s there, that he will be listening.

“Babes, you have to tell me what happened,” he begs you softly. You bit your bottom lip, hard. You were trying to stop yourself from shedding tears. “C-Can you tell me what happened?” he asked you again.

You hesitated, afraid that you will seem whiney, ungrateful and shallow. Tay continued to plead with you, a small smile of encouragement remained in his face. He wants—no, needs—to hear you so you can let it all out. He knows that you need to tell him or you will never be able to move on from it. You mouth opened and closed due to hesitation. You're afraid he will find you annoying and leave, that he will also abandon you.

Tay sees you hesitate, tears brimming at the sides of your eyes. He smiles at you encouragingly, feeling relieved that—although your eyes look so sad—you're slowly coming back to life. He smiles encouragingly at you, willing you to receive strength from him.

“Babes, I’m here. I’m listening,” he tried to flash you a big smile. “I’m not going to leave,” he assures you.

A tear slowly fell from one of your eyes. He wiped it with his finger, but more tears came crashing down as you also closed your eyes in surrender. Those words were all you needed to hear to know and be reassured that times have changed. You took a deep breath before opening your eyes and putting the sandwich down on the plate. You took Tay’s hands off your face but refuse to completely let go of them to draw strength.

“It still terrifies me,” you began in a whisper. “Everything about her still terrifies me,” Tay saw fear in your eyes as you looked him straight in the eyes. “She still makes me feel like that helpless 12-year-old who begs for her approval,” you continued as more tears fell from your eyes.

Tay pulled you close and hugged you tight. “She can’t touch you anymore, babes. Don’t be afraid anymore,” he hushes and comforts you.

“Don’t let her get me, okay?” you beg like a child.

“I won’t, babes. I promise you I won’t,” he tells you with conviction. Tay broke off the hug and looked at you. He wiped the tears off your face. “Tell me everything that happened, loves,” he asks you.

You nodded your head, taking Tay’s hand to be your anchor. It was what you desperately needed, strength and an anchor that would ground you. He squeezed your hands to provide you strength and assurance. After a few moments, you told him about how when you got to your meeting place, the first thing your mother told you were insults. You told him how hard your mother tried to degrade you, insult you. He listened as you told him how it took all of you to fight back, how you were shaking when you said all your grievances and how you proudly walked away.

The next things you narrated infuriated him. You told him how you tried calling Kim the moment you got into your car. No matter how many times the phone rang, no one answered. You told him how you tried again and again, yet no one still answers. Tay felt so mad that even after hours of silence, Kim still has not shown himself.

“Don’t blame him, Tay,” you smiled sadly at him. “He has his own life, and he is busy. Kim is an artist, babes. There must be some important meeting he needs to attend,” you smiled reassuringly at him. “I understand. His career is important,” you ended.

“Time and I each have our own careers, but we don’t fail to answer calls and be there if one needs the other,” Tay vehemently protests. He saw his best friend was about to protest and lifted his hand, palm up, to stop you before you started. A sigh involuntarily came out from between his lips. “Know what? It’s your relationship and I don’t want to meddle as much as I already have,” he conceded. “But, tell me when you get tired. Tell me when you already have enough. Time and I will be here for you, okay?” Tay assures.

He saw a reassured smile bloom in his best friend’s face and it brought him comfort. It assured him that he had successfully coerced you away from the precipice where you had been tittering. You nodded your head with a small, grateful smile which compelled him to pull you in an assuring embrace.

Macau kept pacing inside his room as Porchay watched from the side. Porchay was quietly sitting criss-crossed on the bed, fiddling with his fingers in apprehension and boredom. He can’t help but release sigh after sigh because of how ridiculous his best friend has been acting. Although it was totally unnecessary, it was still understandable. Hence, Porchay cannot help but feel grateful towards Macau. Still, he is being ridiculous.

“Cau…” Porchay called his best friend by his nickname.

The latter continues to pace, unhearing and unseeing in his anger. Porchay rolled his eyes since Macau is now starting to mumble unintelligibly as he continues to pace. Growing impatient and more irritable, Porchay got off the bed and stood in front of his pacing best friend. He took Macau by the shoulders to stop him from colliding with him.

“Macau, can you stand still for five minutes?” he half-shouted, irritated and frustrated. Macau glared at him, as if Kim is the one standing in front of him. Porchay released another sigh. “Enough, Cau. Enough already. Let’s just go back to studying,” he pleads.

“B-But he deserves to get beaten up! I really want to throttle that mothafucka into pieces! How dare h—“ Macau started to rant again before Chay covered his mouth with his hand.

“Shut up! It’s done. Just put it on the past. What is not done is out exams, and it’s not going to answer it’s own,” Porchay reiterates why he was in that house in the first place.

“Just he wait until exam week is finished,” he promised with so much anger and conviction.

Porchay pushes Macau off with the hand in his mouth. The force caused Macau to teeter backwards and falter. He rolled his eyes at Macau’s comment. “Whatever, Cau! Just pick up your books again and start reading,” Porchay said as he walked back to the bed and sat down after picking up his notebook and flipping through his notes.

Macau has no choice but to obey. He also needs to do well this exam period since he needs extra points to pull his GPA higher. Picking up one of his textbooks, Macau flopped back on the bed, an annoyed expression still plastered on his face. Porchay took a glance at him and shook his head. Although, he loves and appreciates his best friend, the man is being too overdramatic.

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its-aji-here · 1 year

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It's Always You

Chapter 7: Missing You Hurts Like Hell

Kim stared at Chay as he was laying the stack of plates with the pile of utensils on the table. He did not expect to see Chay today, although he knows the younger boys always study together ever since they started becoming close. Kim thought the boys will not be coming down for another hour since the afternoon just barely started. But, he's glad that they decided to take a break.

He's thankful to Macau for always keeping Chay company, especially when he can't. Macau has also been beside Porchay since they fell out. But, Kim is certain his cousin has no idea about what really happened between him or Chay, or else he would be glaring at him right now instead of only looking at Porchay with so much concern.

Kim was taken out of his reverie when someone in the room clears their throat. He shook his head and looked at Pete—who was looking at him apprehensively—and Vegas. He smiled at his cousin assuringly and started distributing the plates and utensils with Pete.

Chay was staring at Kim as he strolled to the table. It looks like he was keeping his hair longer than he had when they were together. Nevertheless, he still looks as ethereally beautiful as those days. Kim stopped at the table and put the stack of plates on the table. He looked up at that moment and met Chay's eyes.

His and Kim's gazes met, and he does not know what to feel first. It felt like his heart was being squeezed to the last drop with how much pain he was feeling. He also felt like his whole being was thrown out of a 100-story building. However, what he feels most is how the butterflies in his stomach have been telling him to run but his heart and mind are working together to stop him from moving. He misses him. Porchay misses Kim so much that his whole being is quaking with need and longing. He can feel it fill his being and does not know what to do about it.

Porchay can feel Macau's eyes at the back of his head. He can feel the intensity of his gaze and the emotions he was trying to convey without even giving the latter a single look—from his pity and empathy to his love for his friend. Nevertheless, Porchay did not want to take his eyes off the man in front of him.

But, the clearing of someone's throat took his attention away from the man he longs for. Kim was the first to avert his eyes while Porchay was shaking the haze off his vision, and he felt disappointed. Porchay let out a disappointed and exhausted sigh as he felt Macau take a hold of his shirt to pull him close. He felt his friend's gentle force pull him closer to where Macau stood. The next second, Porchay felt his friend's breathing by his nape as he whispered a question and a statement.

"Do you want to go back upstairs? Give me a sign—just one sign, so much as a twitch—and I'll make some excuse to get you out of here," his friend, Chay's most trusted ally, promised him.

Chay appreciates his friend's urge to protect his heart. But, Macau doesn't have to worry. He's gotten better at hiding his hurt and in pretending like he does not care. Chay gave Macau a small smile of reassurance as he shook his head and took the plate Pete was handing to him and Macau. He gave his P'Pete his thanks and pulled the seat in front of him to begin digging into the array of food laid in the middle of the table. He saw Macau do the same from the corner of his eyes.

"What's the occasion, Phi?" Chay asked as he eyed every dish on the table, trying really hard not to look at Kim. "You bought a lot of food," he commented enthusiastically.

Vegas and Pete chuckled at Porchay, amused at how much his eyes were lighting up at the sight of food. Macau scoffed at his best friend before uttering, "It's because you have the appetite of a pig and a bottomless pit for a stomach". It caused Porchay to smack him by his shoulder, which he loudly protested to as the other boy pinned him with a glare.

Kim was silently watching the exchange between the two younger boys. Chay and Macau were playfully bantering as Vegas and Pete slowly placed food on their plates. The sight made him long for the boy he loves even more. It made his heart long for its missing piece, for the boy it has always been beating for. However, the longer he stares at him, the greater his resolve becomes—that he will never deserve such an amazing person. Kim looked away as he felt tears welling up in his eyes, wanting to stop himself from letting them know and see how he feels.

Unbeknownst to Kim, Vegas has been watching him from the corner of his eyes. Although Kim has been wearing a stoic expression as he observes the two younger boys, his eyes say it all—how he longs for Chay and how much he truly wants to be with the boy. He pities his cousin for his naivety and stubbornness. But, he also is mad, because he put himself in this situation and has no right to feel the way he does anymore. Although he's rooting for his happiness, Vegas also wants Kim to learn from this mistake. It is why he's doing all he can to make Kim realize how stupid he was being. Kim left him with no choice.

Kim decided to go to the garden as soon as they finished eating. Porchay and Macau already left to continue studying a few minutes earlier. Vegas watched him walk out one of the French doors that comprises the two walls of the dining room. Pete looked at Vegas with a sad, imploring look as he continued to gather the plates to bring back to the kitchen. Pete was urging Vegas to follow his cousin outside and talk. Vegas nodded and left his task of putting away the leftover food.

He found Kim inside the pagoda in the middle of the large pond. Kim was looking sullen as he stared at the water with its many swimming kois. Vegas sighed as he watched his cousin while also walking to the pagoda. He stood beside his cousin and watched the schools of koi glide through the water, creating smooth ripples with their movement. Vegas chose to keep silent until Kim himself wants to open a conversation. Hence, no one spoke for some time.

The light was starting to disappear with the setting sun, making their surroundings look bleak and dreary with the encroaching darkness. Vegas sat on the bench built into the baluster of the pagoda as he looked up at the pastel skies. Kim leaned on one of the poles holding the roof of the pagoda. One hand in his pocket, Kim was looking at Vegas as it sat quietly. He can feel his phone vibrating in his pockets but chose to ignore it. Kim is sure that Vegas can also hear his phone, but chose not to comment on it. Having enough of the silence, Kim took in a quick, deep breath and slowly released it before speaking.

"I know you want to say something," he remarked.

Vegas looked up at his cousin and shook his head. "Not really," he nonchalantly shrugged. "Just waiting for you to open up," he continued. Kim just stared at him, which made Vegas scoff. "I've been waiting a year for you to tell me what really went down," he sat back and leaned on the balustrade as he eyed Kim from the side. "I have said harsh things regarding how shitty you should feel and how you deserve it, but all I want is for you to confide in me," he explained.

Kim doubtfully looked at Vegas. He averted his gaze as Vegas pinned him with a look as doubtful as his. Feeling all the guilt that has been eating him the whole year all at once, Kim can feel the tears edging his eyes and making his vision blurry. "You all already hate me enough, as it is. I don't want to add more fuel to that," he mumbled.

"I will be the judge of that," Vegas remarked as they heard Kim's phone vibrate in his pocket again. He looked at the edge of the phone poking out of Kim's pocket and said, "Better pick up that call before you gets even more worried than you already are".

Kim shook his head and took out his phone, shooting back a "call back later" message. Vegas just shrugged at his action and continued leaning on the balustrade of the pagoda. Vegas stood up and brushed off whatever dust and dirt clung on his jeans as he turned to look at the pond, now illuminated by the small lanterns placed around the edge of the pond in regular intervals. It took a while before any one of them spoke again. Kim put back the phone in his pocket and sighed.

"Porchay and I had been fighting for months. It started with small things; me forgetting I promised we'd eat dinner together, failing to tell him about my plans, not spending enough time with him. All his frustrations piled up all those weeks—months—and I failed to see it," Kim began to narrate. "I failed to see it until it became too late to even begin doing something," he whispered with a pained expression on his face.

"That night… when we fell out… I was three hours late for our plans because I was too caught up in drinking with my producer and the techs. We just heard that we were nominated for a few awards from different award-giving bodies and we just finished writing all the songs for the next album," Kim scoffed at the thought of what happened next. "We wanted to celebrate," he scoffed.

"The next thing I know is that I was too intoxicated to drive and Porchay was already there at the studio looking for me the next moment," a single tear dropped from his eye, which he immediately wiped off. "Porchay was crying in front of me… but, I remember not feeling anything. I mean, my head told me that I should comfort him. Still, I didn't do anything but stare at him," a wry laugh came out from between his lips. "All the others started pouring out of the studio where we chose to stay to drink. They left to give us some privacy," Kim looked at the night sky, stars were barely making an appearance.

"He asked me if I had forgotten something. I told him I don't believe I did. He looked so pained when I said that, but I chose to ignore it. Porchay asked again if I had forgotten what we talked about the past few days. And I, the fucked up shithead that I am, answered him with a shrug. That was when he finally exploded. He laid out every little thing he kept the past months; all the pain, the disappointments, the doubts. He never accused me of not loving him, but I did. I accused him of not loving me enough to understand my dedication to my music," Vegas stayed silent and continued listening to Kim. However, he has a lot of opinions in his head. "Being the bastard that I am, I complained about how he's been whining and complaining whenever he does not see me. I bitched about him being clingy and not giving me space. Porchay just took that in and I still had the audacity to give him the final blow," a sarcastic scoff just spewed out from Kim due to the incredulity of his statement. "I told him that we should just break up if he's just going to keep complaining, that we're better off ending everything. Geez, I even remember feeling relieved when he agreed and feeling too exhausted to go after him when he ran out," Kim looked at Vegas' stoic face as he ended the story, feeling pathetic for what he finally confided.

He can see Vegas' thoughts, although his face remains calm and emotionless. Kim just knows his cousin all that well. So, he was expecting a big lashing and many harsh, sobering words from his best friend. He has never heard his cousin get mad at his lover. Same goes for Pete, he never gets mad at Vegas. They also never say harsh things in frustration or disappointment. It may be the reason they have been together for half a decade already. He was waiting for the ridicule, the smackdown, the hateful comments. But, he knows Vegas. He knows how his older brothers make it a point to choose their words—not because they lie, but because they want to be logical and impartial.

Macau watched Chay, sitting on top of his bed, as his eyes roamed the same book page for the thousandth time. He knows his best friend is distracted by the presence of his cousin in their house. Macau closed the notebook he has been working on to confront Porchay. He sat straight and dragged his computer chair to his bedside. Macau took the book off Chay's hands, to the latter's protests. However, Porchay stopped when he saw how intent Macau looked on getting to the bottom of the issue.

"Stop, Cau. I don't wanna tell you," Chay muttered as he fiddled with his fingers on top of the blanket that covered his bottom half.

"Chay, you won't be able to move on if you'll keep harboring everything inside you," Macau patiently advises.

Porchay looked at his friend pleadingly, which dug into Macau's heart painfully deep. But, he is adamant about Chay telling the story now. He's had enough of his friend hiding how he feels and not facing his emotions.

"Chay, it's been a year and you've been stuck where you were while he's out there openly dating someone else," Macau exasperatedly explains. "I think it's high-time to begin forgetting. Heck!" He scoffed, "you're way too late," he sarcastically remarked.

"I don't want to relive the pain, Macau," Porchay complains in a strangled, pained voice. "It's too much," he begs.

Macau reached out and took Chay's hand in his, "You have no choice but to feel it. But now, I'll be right beside you," Macau promised with an encouraging smile.

Porchay tilted his head up and closed his eyes as the agony of the uttered words that night began to replay in his mind. He began retelling the same story as Kim—how it started months before, how Kim was negligent of him and how he invalidated Porchay and his feelings. Macau's fist, the one not holding onto Chay, started to get into a tighter fist with every sentence. "I don't know, Macau," Chay uttered. "I don't know if I can ever forget him. Because, even now, I love your cousin with every bit of me," he confessed with tears continuously flowing down his face. At that point, Macau has never felt anger and hate as much as he does then. He was ready to throw hands with his cousin at any time.

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its-aji-here · 2 years

Text

It’s Always You

Chapter 6: Moving On to Not Letting Go

It has been almost a year since that incident when Kim made a disappearing act. Vegas' anger took a while to subside, and Kim struggled to earn his forgiveness. He had to think of several ways to persuade his cousin and best friend to forgive him. But, everyone knows that Vegas' anger is his way of expressing his concern and love for the people dearest to him.

Now, he and Kim are sitting at a cafe as they wait for Pete to finish his meeting with one of his managers. Pete established a restaurant that specializes in Southern Thai cuisine. He was able to expand to three locations within the city. Today, they were going around checking up on the branches and ensuring that everything was in working order. Knowing that they have nothing to contribute, Kim and Vegas decided to back off and wait for Pete at a cafe nearby. They don't want to impede his work.

Vegas stared at Kim, who was sitting across from him. The latter is on his phone, probably texting his lover. She was not able to join them due to a prior engagement she cannot cancel. Now, Kim is texting her with a small smile on his face. But, Vegas can see something is not right though Kim looks happy to everyone else that sees him. He doesn't quite seem like the Kim he knows. Everything looks forced. But, Vegas did not want to intrude and meddle on his affairs. Nevertheless, he wants to get a clear picture of what Kim feels.

Vegas picked up his cup of coffee and took a sip. He looked at the man in front of him intently and waited till he finished typing a reply. "Kim," he called him as soon as he saw Kim hit send and put his cup down. Kim looked at him and picked up his cup of iced coffee to take a sip. He raised his eyebrow in acknowledgement, urging Vegas to continue. "Are you finally happy with her?" Vegas asked without preamble, as he stared directly into Kim's eyes.

He noticed Kim stopped sipping his drink midway. There was a look of surprise then confusion in the way his eyebrows started knitting together. Kim slowly put his drink back on top of the table and averted his gaze outside the window. He blankly looked at the passing cars and people, contemplating his emotions and considering his feelings. Vegas watched his cousin silently and waited for him to come to a conclusion about the state of his genuine feelings.

"Why do you ask?" Kim softly asked a moment later. Vegas almost missed it if he was not waiting. Hurt etched at the corner of Kim's eyes as he turned back to his cousin. "Why do you ask, Vegas?" he repeated, louder this time.

Vegas looked intently into his cousin's eyes. He was looking for a way to phrase his next statement without making it sound assuming and accusatory. Vegas licked his lip and swallowed a lump in his throat. "Because, I know you too well, Kimhan. You cannot hide from me," the older of the two cousins gave the younger cousin a gentle smile.

Kim shook his head with a wry laugh, his pointer finger rising in the air. It meant two things between the two of them; for Vegas to stop talking and not to dare accuse him. Vegas sighed at this reaction.

"I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, Kim. I just want to hear your truth," Vegas said slowly. Kim's incredulous expression turned to a wry smile. He pinched the bridge of his nose and refused to acknowledge what Vegas was implying. "Kim, I know you are trying. But, it's best to let go if you don't feel anything for her. It will hurt her. Don't make the same mistake again, man," he continued.

"I don't deserve him, Vegas," was what he heard from Kim as an answer. Kim looked up at him again, hurt and pain evident in his eyes. "After hurting him like that? I don't ever deserve to have him again," Kim leaned forward, putting his elbows on top of his knees and buried his face in his hands. "Porchay is too pure to be with someone like me," he uttered in tortured voice.

Vegas watched as his cousin look so tortured and pained by the thought of Porchay. It's been a year. Yet, Kim has never told him about what happened between him and Porchay. All Vegas knows is that Kim and Chay had been having small fights those days before it blew up and they finally broke up. He still does not have the heart to ask his cousin the story. But, one thing is for sure, Kim is only forcing himself to love her and she doesn't deserve the half-assed effort he has been giving.

"But, she also doesn't deserve what you're giving her, Kimhan," Vegas said in a low voice as he also leaned forward to look Kim eye to eye. "She does not deserve to get only half of you,” he said slowly.

Vegas gave Kim another smile, it’s small and full of sympathy. It is one of the expressions Kim hates seeing. Kim ran his hand over his face and brushed it through his hair as he sat back.

Vegas watched him intently. “It's either you learn to let go of Porchay to give her your all, or you don't give her anything at all and start fighting for Chay with everything you have, Kim," he continued. Vegas leaned back again as he picked his cup up for a sip. "Think about it, Kim. I'll let you decide what to do," Vegas advised as he watched Pete enter the cafè and walk to where they were sitting.

You locked your phone after reading the last reply your boyfriend sent. It was enough to ease some of the tension you have been feeling ever since you started driving earlier. You gathered all your belongings and got out of the car. Clicking the lock button on the key fob, you began walking away from your vehicle to get to the restaurant where you agreed to meet with someone.

It was a two minute walk from where you parked your car to the restaurant. You were feeling nervous the whole time you were on your way. Feeling your heart beating twice as fast, you pushed the heavy glass doors to enter the restaurant.

A smiling maitre'd greeted her as soon as you got inside. You smiled back at the maitre'd and spoke about the reservation made under the name of the person you are meeting. The maitre'd checked the master list before guiding you to your assigned table.

You followed the maitre’d further inside the restaurant to a private corner. The table was nestled between gigantic pots of monstera deliciosa and palm ferns. It provided a sense of intimacy and privacy to the table. The giant pots also made her feel calm.

You saw the person you had agreed to meet already sitting at the table. Taking a deep breath, you strolled to the table with all the confidence you can muster. Giving the maitre'd a smile as you mumbled your thanks, you approached the seat nearest to you. Taking out the chair, you placed her bag on the adjacent seat and sat down. You refused to look up as you fidgeted with the utensils set uniformly atop the table.

Unbeknownst to you, the person sitting across from you is starting to get irritated and impatient. However, you refuse to address her. The clearing of her throat startled you out of your efforts to not look nor acknowledge her presence.

"Hello, dear," you flinched since the other person's high-pitched voice felt like a screeching noise in your ear. "I see you still have not found your manners," they continued.

You scoffed at that remark. "It was never as if you deserve an ounce of respect from me," was your biting retort to her acid remark.

"Watch your words, I'm still your mother," the screeching voice venomously hissed at her.

"No,” you scoffed at her use of the word that is supposed to evoke warm feelings, yet it does not work on you. “You never really had any motherly instinct. You're simply the woman who gave birth to me," you bit back. "Y' know what? There's no point to this. It's just a waste of time," you made an attempt to stand up, picking up her handbag from the adjacent seat.

"Sit your ass down, young lady, before I pull you back to that seat," the woman who calls herself your mother threatened you.

You cannot help but release a dry, incredulous laugh. "Go on," you challenged. "At this point, I'm not even intimidated by such threats," you spat and stood up from her seat.

"You really are such an ungrateful, brat," the woman spat with a venomous voice.

The remark made you stop in your tracks. You felt incredulous to ever give a damn about what this woman thinks and says. Steeling yourself and gathering all the confidence in your body, you faced the woman who calls herself your mother, "I was grateful for a lot of things; the roof above my head, the food I was able to eat three times a day, the clothes on my back. Yes, they were all given by you and dad. But, you know what I was most grateful for?" you asked her. "I was, and still am, grateful that I was able to walk away from such a manipulative, deceiving and wretched person like you. Heck! I can never thank God enough that I have the means to get out of the hell hole you made of what was supposed to be a loving home," you spat, full of pain and hatred for the woman in front of you.

You watched as the woman's face morphed from proud to fuming and angry humiliation. Her expression is one of indignation. It made you feel proud that you could stand up to that vile woman. You are grateful you are not the lost child that you were in front of the woman who gave her birth anymore. Looking proudly into the other's eyes, you steeled herself to continue saying the things you had been keeping inside her for all these years.

"You were never motherly," you scoffed. "Heck! I don't even remember much of my childhood because of your emotional abandonment. You were never there. If you were, all you do is command me on being a good, proper school girl. Then, you gaslit me into doing things because you provided me a house, food, clothes, money, and everything else anyone could ever ask for," you chuckled drily. "Reality check, you bitch! That. Was. Your. Fucking. Obligation!” you leaned down and iterated each word. “But, I guess people only give birth because they see their kids as tools, “ you chided.

“That is not what being a mother is about. But, I guess, we both know that you are not capable of that. We guess that you are one of those parents that tend to bleed their kids dry. Guess what? If whatever higher being there had let me choose my family, I would have NEVER chosen you,” You pushed yourself off as a tear fell from your eyes. You can see your frank remark got to her. "I don't know why I didn't see your wretchedness much sooner but crave for your love and approval. I wouldn't have been this fucked up if I just saw it sooner," you scoffed as you checked if your clothes look proper and there is no speck of dirt on it.

"That was the past. I have no ties to you now. You have no hold on me anymore, and you never will. I'm living a life of my own now, away from you. So, let me be. Don't come for me again. Besides, I don't ever wish to see you again anyway," you ended proudly and walked away from the woman. you felt proud that her voice never once waver, that you never sounded vulnerable. Now, you feel some of the cloud that had been surrounding her lift. It made her feel lighter, brighter.

Macau asked Porchay to stay over at their house so they could study together. It's their exam season although they are studying in different programmes. Macau is taking a Communication course while taking a Minor in Arts. On the other hand, Porchay decided to still pursue Music.

Their next few days will be spent drowning in revisions, notes, lectures and powerpoint slides. Although they are in different courses, they share some of their minor subjects together. Macau often borrows Chay's notes since he writes better notes than him. It's the primary reason he asked Chay to stay over.

They are now in his bed with his cat, Mafia. He was busy copying the notes Chay lent him while the cat was observing him. They were joking about how he was studying with them when they heard the doors downstairs. Macau and Chay did not pay them any mind and continued with their reviewers. A few moments later, the door to Macau's room was pushed open and Pete peaked inside.

"Hi, P'Pete," Porchay greeted his brother's best friend. Macau turned to the door and just watched as Pete gave them a big smile, the one that his brother loves so much.

"How have reviews been treating you?" the older asked the two students.

"We're getting by, P'Pete," Macau answered for the two of them. "Why are you here?" he asked. He did not intend to sound rude. It was just that, his mind is too preoccupied trying to make sense of the notes he’s copying and internalizing the concepts. Pete understands and did not think much of it.

"I just wanted to tell you that Vegas and I brought back some snacks in case you feel hungry or want to take a break," Pete informed them.

"Thank you, Phi," Porchay thanked the older man with a big smile as he closed the notebook he was holding. "I do feel a little hungry," he remarked which Macau and Pete chuckled to.

"You're always hungry," Macau remarked as he, too, started to put away his pens and notebooks. Porchay glared at him and stuck his tongue out in answer. Macau just shook his head at the other boy's antics.

The three of them came out of Macau's room and came down the stairs together. The boys were joking around behind Pete as they made their way to the dining room where Vegas was busy taking out the snacks they bought. Pete hurriedly walked to Vegas' side to help him with the snacks as Porchay and Macau noisily came inside the room.

The two young boys ran to the table, which Vegas protested to, and enthusiastically looked at the array of dishes laid out in the middle of the table. Porchay was volunteering to get plates and utensils when another figure came out from the kitchen, holding a few plates and pairs of forks and knives. It made Porchay freeze in his spot, his eyes wide, like a deer caught in the headlights. Although it had been over a year since they broke up and Kim started seeing someone else, it does not mean Porchay has managed to move on.

No.

He's too far away from achieving that…

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its-aji-here · 2 years

Text

It’s Always You

Chapter 1 : The Beginning of Chaos

The pulsating beat emitted by the EDM music playing loudly inside the club makes your body move. It urges you to twist, contort and sway her body in motions and directions you did not think possible.

Like what you've always done, you came to the club to escape again. It has been the same routine you have had when you are trying hard not to think, even after so many years.

You come to a club and drown yourself, your thoughts and your senses with music and alcohol. The loud music and shouts of patrons enjoying the night let you forget about everything that can stress you. Here you can be anyone you want and nobody will ever question you or your actions. No one even remembers who you are come morning when everyone is heavily inebriated. It is what you prefer.

You have been dancing with random strangers for a while now. Laughing and grinding as the beats continue to change and mix every few minutes. You have been feeling multiple hands grazing various parts of your body from multiple people. Yet, you did not really think much about it. Until one dared to go beyond personal territories.

You stopped dancing and turned to look at the meathead that dared stray beyond what is respectable. In the pulsating light of the strobes and spotlight, you found a man that looked like he had way too much to drink dancing behind you. He looks halfway decent but gives off this fuckboy energy with the smirk he has been wearing.

You gave him a glare and pushed him off you to walk away. He tried grabbing your arm but you managed to get away after punching him in the face.

You were shaking your head as you squeezed your way through the crowd, exasperated by assholes that dare violate personal space. Feeling parched and dehydrated, you made your way to the bar to order a drink after sighing at your ridiculous situation.

You ordered a long island iced tea and sat at one of the stools by the bar. The bartender told you half-shouting that it will take a while since he has two more drink orders to fulfill. It's a packed night, so you expected the service will be slow and told him you will wait. You don't really mind if he took his time making your drink.

You looked around, watching people enjoy the night with their friends. The club was filled to the brim with people of various dresses and forms. They were all laughing, smiling, dancing and drinking. The sight makes you envious, but it is nothing new to you. Your friends usually leave you to look for fun somewhere else and you got no time to care. Hence, you are used to it by now.

The bartender plopped your drink a few moments later, an apologetic smile was plastered on his. You smiled back at him with gratitude and slip him a few bills to pay for your drink. Sipping from the straw, you turned in your seat to watch people have fun again since you are still too exhausted from dancing earlier. Taking pleasure in watching various degrees of gossip-worthy scenes, you busied herself by looking at scandalous patrons lurking in every corner of the club.

The lights were flashing different colors, pulsating with the beat. It can make anyone feel dizzy and high. You were about to turn back to the bar when a silhouette caught your attention in the pulsating light. He looks ethereal—like God sent down one of his beautiful angels to walk the other among mortal men. Yet, his aura feels wrong.

He looks so broken and defeated; he looks like pain personified.The man was standing at the balcony near where the DJ's table is. He was looking down at everyone, looking so broken and defeated. Nevertheless, he looks as fine as God's best angels while leaning on the railing of the balcony. You can't take your eyes off him. His beauty mesmerized, unknowingly taking your breath due to his magnificence.

The next moment, he pushed himself off and disappeared through the crowd. You scanned the people above until you got another glimpse of him as he strutted down the staircase towards the exit of the club. Without a second thought, you put your overpriced mediocre of a cocktail drink down and proceeded to make your way out of the club.

You had to squeeze your way through the crowd before you could push the heavier door leading out to the street. The chill of the night air sobered you a little as it hit your skin. Nevertheless, the sudden exposure to the harsh lights of the street lamps and the signages of the nearby establishments still made you a little dizzy. It took a few moments before your eyes adjusted and caught his silhouette again. You immediately made your way to that direction hoping against all odds that you did not see wrong.

It took all your might to not lose sight of him as he weave through the late night crowd that is either on their way home or shifting locations. There were a few turns where you almost completely lost him. The path he took brought you to the riverside park where you lost sight of his silhouette. You decided to stroll through the length of the park, hoping against all odds that he has not left it somewhere along the way.

You found him sitting by the dock at the riverside. He was sitting so forlornly, criss-crossed and slumping that he looks so lonely and broken. Taking care not to startle him with your presence, you stood a good ways away for a while, observing the lonely soul that captivated your attention. After a while, all that standing took a tall on your legs. So, you decided to sit by the steps that lead down the dock and observe. A few moments later, he leaned back and put his weight on his hand. He stretched his legs and looked up at the sky. Curious about what captivated his attention, you tried looking at what he's seeing and found the moon.

The fascinating heavenly body is glowing proudly in the night sky and evokes a sense of mystery. You were staring at it for a while when you suddenly heard a sob and a sniff from the lonely man. The man was now lying on his back, hiding his face with his hands as his shoulder rock with the intensity of his cries and emotions. Sympathizing with the sound of his cries, you contemplated between approaching him or leaving him to have his privacy. You felt sorry for intruding in his private moment, so you stood up and started walking away. You gave him one last look and wished you would have the chance to see him again. Then, and only then, will you take the chance to be the comfort he clearly needed tonight which you failed to provide.

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its-aji-here · 2 years

Text

It’s Always You

Chapter 5 : Moving On to New Territories

You awkwardly sat back on the chair you hurriedly vacated from apprehension and fear and were too afraid to lift her head to look at Kim. Although you can't find the strength to look up due to shame, Kim does not seem to relent from staring at you. You can feel his eyes on you. It feels like needles piercing through the thickness of your skin. It was making you squirm from shame, awkwardness and self-consciousness.

You cannot help but fidget with your fingers and everything your hands can reach. The silence lasted a few more moments before you had enough. Closing your eyes shut and breathing in deeply, you gathered all your strength to begin addressing him again. You were about to start complaining at Jeff when the latter decided to break the silence.

"I have no idea what to say," Kim said with a heavy breath. You looked up at him, widened eyes slowly morphing into one filled with sadness and apprehension.

"How about ‘I hate you. Don't show yourself to me again’?" you suggested with a wry chuckle. Although you may have phrased it as a joke, you fear hearing those words from him. And, Kim can see the fear in your eyes, no matter how hard you try to hide.

Kim gave you a half-hearted chuckle as he picked up his cup of coffee to take a sip. You just watched him nervously, fidgeting with your fingers again and before switching to playing with the clasp of your bag. You watched as his smile slowly vanished from his eyes as he put down the cup he was drinking from a moment ago. The possibility of his rejection pains you, but you refuse to give in to your urge to reach out and touch him.

You watched as he put down the coffee cup on top of the saucer. He licked his lips and your eyes fixated on them unknowingly. It makes your thoughts race a million miles a minute and it's the direction you are yet to be ready to explore. Kim noticed you staring at his lips, and it caused a smirk to appear. He doesn't know why he quite likes the attention you are giving him.

Wanting to continue the conversation, he snapped his fingers in front of your face. It successfully brought you, but you felt embarrassed about losing your senses. He watched as pink spots appeared on your cheeks as your eyes went wide in surprise and shame. You covered your face with your hands, shaking your head in shame and embarrassment. It made Kim laugh. It's a genuine one, and it made you stop in your tracks and look at him. Unlike his smiles earlier, the one he is wearing now is more genuine, more carefree. Now, you know how he looks when he's truly being filled with mirth.

Kim noticed your eyes peeking from behind your dainty little fingers. He smiled at you and cleared his throat. "I don't hate you," he began. "It's just…" he smiled impishly. "I don't even know who you are," he chucklingly remarked.

Your hands slowly dropped from your face and on top of the table where your elbows had been sitting. Kim noticed your mouth slowly dropping in astonishment and horrification. It made Kim chuckle. "I know you have an idea about who I am or else you will be asking for my name. But, I don't have the same courtesy," he continued.

Kim got surprised when your head suddenly dropped onto the table very audibly. He feared you hurt your forehead or your face in some way. But, you quickly raised your head the next second with a very visible look of shame, embarrassment and surprise. Even Kim does not know how those emotions can possibly mix in a single impish smile that looks very cute on you.

"That was rude of me, wasn't it?" you asked and dropped your head on the table again with a groan. Kim cannot help but chuckle at your silliness. you lifted your head again and playfully glared at Kim. "Don't laugh. I just…" you groaned again. "I just was so nervous that I can't think straight and maybe telling you my name just slipped my mind," you explained in a panic. Because of your panic, you spoke without taking a breath. "Besides, you never did ask. So, I never really thought of it and just wanted to get the story over with," you continued, almost losing your breath in the process.

Kim laughed softly. "Breathe, babe," he told you laughingly. It made you turn red as a tomato with wide eyes and oddly pursed lips. "Inhale…" he directed and watched as your chest slightly rose from the breath you were slowly taking. "Exhale…" he directed again. He watched you release your breath as your chest slowly deflated.

"Don't ever use that endearment again…” you breathlessly uttered. Kim gave you an incredulous puzzled look. You felt your face getting hot and heavy with the oncoming blush blooming on your cheeks. Feeling even more ashamed and overwhelmed, you covered your face to avoid his gaze. “Because I just about fainted!" you complained, your voice was muffled by your hands.

All Kim managed to do was smile at your silliness. He finds you endearing; how you were so shy but at the same time confident, how your reactions come out quirky and funny when you're embarrassed, and how you mustered the courage to basically tell him you're somewhat a stalker but is easily embarrassed if given attention. ‘She’s indeed an interesting piece of work,’ he thought. ‘I think it will be worth the risk,’ he continued.

"It's okay," he assured you. "Let's get to know each other slowly from now on," he watched as a radiant smile slowly bloomed on your face. Your smile makes him feel warm inside. It makes him want to keep doing something that can make that beautiful smile appear on your face again.

– T H E – B E G I N N I N G – O F – T H E I R – –– R E L A T I O N S H I P ––

( M O N T H 1)

( M O N T H 3 )

( M O N T H 4.5 )

( M O N T H 6 )

People started noticing their relationship...

( M O N T H 9 )

( M O N T H 9.5 )

Vegas exposing their relationship...

( M O N T H 11)

–– T I M E –– F O R –– M A C A U & C H A Y ––

Macau sees all of Kim's posts and posts from gossipers that have been following him around. It has been about a year since he and Porchay saw Kim at the cafe. They had crossed paths a few times, all with Porchay trying to avoid Macau's cousin. There have been many people who have spotted Kim around the city with the girl he and Chay saw Kim was sitting with at the cafè. That was why he has been doing everything to distract Porchay. He has been taking Chay out so he wouldn't be on his phone too much and see the posts about his cousin and his new lover. But, he knows that his best friend ends up hurting himself when they go home and cries himself to sleep looking at the posts and photos about Kim.

He is now by the riverside with Porchay. It has been a while since they were last able to visit and feed what fishes have been swimming in there. Macau wanted to bring his best friend somewhere peaceful without going out of the city. Besides, Chay said he has been missing feeding the fishes. He looked at Chay and watched him tear the piece of bread in his hand into small pieces. Porchay was smiling widely as he watched the swarm of fishes fight for the pieces of bread he had been dropping in the water.

Although they all know that Kim hurt Porchay so badly, not one of them has any idea how nor why. Well, except for his brother. Macau is sure that Kim told him that night, when his brother hurriedly went out of the house to fetch a very drunk Kim. He still remembers how badly Kim was intoxicated that night. Kim was laughing one minute and crying his eyes out the next. Although he pitied his cousin for being a mess that night, Macau was mostly angry at Kim for the shell of a human he made of Porchay.

Macau has been slowly putting back his best friend together. It had been a really hard year of him finding ways to make his best friend happy. He barely managed to make him smile again. Macau went through hell and high waters just to see Porchay smile again.

Macau had been tempted many times to confront his cousin because he was struggling to make Porchay happy. He also wanted Porchay to tell him but did not want to push him and open old wounds. However, it has been about a year and he still has not heard the story from his best friend. Macau does not think he will ever hear it from Porchay.

The sun is getting pretty low in the horizon. Their surroundings have been getting darker with every minute that passes. Although he did not want to cut Porchay's fun short, he had to. He and Chay have classes the next day, and he has yet to finish all his plates. Nevertheless, he is grateful that Chay somewhat had fun based on the grin on his face as he watched the fishes.

"Time to go home, Chay," Macau told his best friend.

Chay gave him a pout. "Five more minutes, Cau…" he begged with a pout. Macau finds it adorable and can't help but chuckle. However, he still shook his head. "Please, Cau…??" Porchay begged again.

"Let's go, Chay. I had to finish my plates after bringing you home," Macau tried being stern.

"Fine! You're a mean ass. Hmph!" Porchay complained but begrudgingly stood up and started walking towards where Macau parked his car. Macau chuckled in disbelief and bewilderment before he started walking after his best friend.

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