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kathyprior4200 · 21 days

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Hazbin Hotel Episode 3: "The Brain" (Helluva Scribe Remake)

The Hazbin Seven…Charlie, Vaggie, Alastor, Sir Pentious, Husk, Niffty, and Angel Dust sat in the parlor together, sitting on the red couch and the red chairs. Vaggie and the gang had worked hard on the commercial for the hotel (with a little help from Alastor’s magic). When Charlie was about to see it, the 666News broadcast interrupted it with the news of the Extermination happening in only six months instead of a year. The hotel was nearly disbanded after Charlie nearly lost hope after being mocked yet again by most of Hell. Later, they were able to catch Sir Pentious as being a spy for the villainous Vees. Warmed by Charlie’s forgiveness, but still wary of the others, Sir Pentious spent much of his time building more weapons in his room. He was thankful to be welcomed back to the hotel by Charlie. On the contrary, Vaggie, Angel Dust and the others weren’t quite as jovial to the mad inventor serpent.

“Oh, you guys!” Charlie beamed. “Thank you so much! This commercial is so much better.”

“Thank goodness you finally got to see it,” said Vaggie, holding her hand.

“I told you I had a good performance,” Angel Dust remarked. “But still, if ya ever want me to shoot a good porn ad…”

“No, Angel,” Vaggie deadpanned. “We have enough problems as it is. Hopefully with this better commercial out, we’ll be able to get more recruits.”

“I can always make more people come to it…” Alastor began.

Vaggie glared. “Again, Sinners need to choose to come here. Making them do what we want is enslavement, not redemption.”

“I mean, I have minions do my work all the time!” Sir Pentious mentioned, hand on his chest.

“As do I,” Alastor grinned, glancing at his grinning shadow in the distance.

“Again, I wouldn’t be in this dump otherwise,” Husk grumbled as he stood up and wandered back to the bar. “The new guy should count himself lucky that he still has a place to stay at.”

“Well, I could’ve traveled around in my zeppelin as usual,” Sir Pentious mentioned. He glared at Alastor. “If someone didn’t keep blowing it up!”

Alastor chuckled. “You don’t even deserve that thing, you’re so easy to defeat!”

“Watch your words, deer boy,” hissed Sir Pentious. “I’m still an Overlord.”

“Who needs approval from a trio of losers.”

“I’ve been in Hell longer than any of you!” Sir Pentious stated.

Charlie raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, except you, princess,” Sir Pentious corrected himself.

Alastor grinned, his red eyes glowing. “I’ve taken down dozens of Overlords and broadcasted their screams on the radio. I’d always be up for another volunteer…”

“Alastor!” Charlie barked, standing up and moving protectively over to Sir Pentious. “There is no tolerance for harm in my hotel.”

“I’m just kidding, my dear!” Alastor gleamed at Charlie, waving a hand before muttering in a barely audible radio voice to the side, “Mostly.”

Angel Dust stood up. “This gets me thinkin,’” he turned to Sir Pentious. “Alastor could’ve defeated you long ago with those other Overlords. How did you manage to survive for so long?”

“My clever inventions, of course!” Sir Pentious beamed. “Being in my zeppelin allowed me to avoid ground attacks and see territory better in Pentagram City. All thanks to me…” He glanced down at a few Egg Boiz by his feet. “Oh, and my eggies, I guess.”

Alastor stood up and leaned on his microphone cane. “Of course, I did spare several powerful Overlords who are most polite and professional…a message to the unrighteous ones. Take Zestial and Rosie, for example. Rosie and I have been dear friends for a while. We have much in common…stylish fashion, a love of music, cannibalism, the list goes on.” He leaned toward Sir Pentious. “Yes, I could’ve defeated you many years ago, but I was rather…preoccupied for the last seven.”

“But I did attack you several times!” Sir Pentious reminded him.

“What I wanna know is how you were able to last this long?” Angel Dust asked.

“And how did you even make those things anyway?” Vaggie asked, pushing several Egg Boiz back with a spear. “And Sir Pentious, you promised to keep your stuff inside your room!”

Niffty leaned up and gazed in curiosity at one of Sir Pentious’ cannons. She dusted it off with a feather duster and zoomed off before Sir Pentious could turn around and hiss at her.

“Well…” Sir Pentious began. “The creation of my eggs…I can only take partial credit for.”

“Okay?” Vaggie said. “Did you work with someone else?”

“Off and on,” Sir Pentious shrugged. “Sometimes it was productive, other times…there were fights. Lots of them.”

Angel Dust folded his arms. “Don’t tell me you worked with Cherri Bomb?”

Sir Pentious blushed. “That spunky, pretty, um, I mean annoying rebel bitch? No way! I still have yet to defeat her in the next turf war.”

“No more fighting,” Vaggie chided. “Remember the rules.” After hearing a faint explosion from outside, Vaggie strolled over to a window. She looked outside and spotted more of Sir Pentious’ weapons and a chain-link fence being built by more Egg Boiz.

Vaggie’s face turned red as she faced Sir Pentious. “WHAT DID I SAY, SIR PENTIOUS?! I TOLD YOU, NO MORE WEAPONS!”

Sir Pentious chuckled and folded his arms. “You told me to not use weapons inside the hotel. You didn’t mention anything about not doing fights outside! I have to do my work somewhere!”

Vaggie grumbled, fists clenched. “I swear, you slimy, shady, stupid son of a…”

A knock on the door.

“Saved by the knock,” Alastor trilled. Angel Dust sighed and stood up. “I’ll get it.”

“Careful, Angel,” Vaggie called. “It could be the Vees.”

Angel Dust opened it.

“Huh?” Angel Dust asked.

“Hier!” gruffed a voice.

Angel Dust glanced down. “Who the hell are you?”

Before Angel Dust was a unique aquatic demon with the traits of an anglerfish. His face was bluish gray with three cyan freckles on each cheek and sharp cyan teeth. His irises were coral colored with cyan sclera. Over his eyes he wore thick round yellow goggles with a coral rim. His hair was dark ocean blue, short, with more cyan dots. He had a small dark gray top hat on his head with a tan middle stripe with white dots on it. Two large blue-gray fins stuck out from his face in the place of ears. He wore a full-length green-gray laboratory suit with yellow buttons along the middle. He had dark greenish gloves and boots. Attached to his hat was an anglerfish yellow esca with two small cyan stripes above it.

“Baxter,” he spat, revealing a German accent. “Ist das der richtige Ort? Hazbin Hotel?”

“Yes…” Angel Dust breathed. He then smirked as he looked him over. “You’re actually kinda cute, fish boy…”

He reached out a pink gloved hand, but Baxter slapped his hand aside. “No touching! No touching!” Baxter shoved Angel Dust aside and marched through the doorway. “I need sanctuary from the oncoming angels!” He dragged a cart behind him, covered up with a dark brown cloth held in place by ropes.

“Charlie!” Angel Dust called, closing the door. “I think you got yourself another client!”

Charlie stood up and squealed with delight as she glanced at the scientist demon. “Oh my gosh! It’s so wonderful to have you here!”

She strolled over. “I’m Charlie, that’s Angel Dust…”

Charlie reached out toward Baxter, but he pulled out a white shrink ray. “STAY BACK! BACK I SAY!” The residents stepped back, save for Alastor who stood casually watching.

Niffty slowly reached over toward the covered crate with a curious grin.

“HANDS OFF MY STUFF!” Baxter barked, a craziness in his eyes.

Vaggie held out a spear in front of her. “Ugh! Another mad inventor!”

“Mad scientist to you!” Baxter screeched. “Underneath this here is my latest creation and my personal belongings. I cannot afford to have them destroyed or tainted by any of your filthy hands. Fremde!”

“How did you even know about this place?” Angel Dust asked.

“Your commercial, obviously,” Baxter narrowed his eyes. “With the Extermination looming, I needed a safer place to conduct my experiments. With my old lab destroyed in all this chaos, here seemed the next best place.”

He glanced around the building, unimpressed.

“Dirty, worn, hideous colors…not sterile at all.”

Niffty smiled and peered close to him. “Oooh, is that another bad boy?” She grinned slyly, reaching toward his esca and Baxter flinched back.

“Do you want to be smaller than you are?!” he yelled, aiming his shrink ray at her.

“I clean here,” Niffty smiled, climbing onto him. “Please stay and don’t leave me!”

With a yell, Baxter shoved her off himself and brushed off his outfit. “Cretins…”

Charlie stepped forward again. “Well, Baxter…welcome to the Hazbin Hotel! I was not expecting anyone else to come here.”

“I guess the commercial worked after all,” Vaggie mentioned. She glared at Baxter. “Ground rules: no weapons and no experimenting on any of the guests!”

Baxter folded his arms. “I have no interest in interacting with any of you. I just need a special place for my new lab.”

“This is a hotel, not a lab!”

“I’ll make do with what you have!” Baxter fired back at Vaggie.

“What kind of bad things do you make?” asked Niffty.

“Chemicals, formulas, DNA of many living things, none of your concern!”

“Again,” Vaggie seethed. “If you’re gonna stay here, you can’t harm any of the guests!”

Baxter scoffed. “I have more important things to do.”

“And don’t forget your daily meetings and activities,” Charlie said.

Baxter’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. “Madness! The last thing I need is to waste my time yapping with you freaks all day!”

Charlie’s face fell a bit. “But Baxter, we have to get to know you and what your sins are to redeem yourself.”

“I have no concern over the fruitless path of redemption!” Baxter bared his teeth. “My only goal is to have a safe haven so I can plot my next plans of genius and world domination!”

“Good luck with that, shorty,” Angel Dust smirked.

“Redeem yourself or you can’t stay,” Vaggie stated with a glare. Baxter glanced down at her spear with a smirk. “The spear of an Exorcist. Fascinating. Angelic weapons are hard to come by.”

“Not if you buy them from Carmilla Carmine!” Sir Pentious bragged, slithering into the room with his crates of weapons. “Nice try at hiding them, Vagatha!”

“My human name is not my current name!” Vaggie barked, her bow briefly curling into red demon horns before morphing back.

“What the…shit!” Sir Pentious froze in his tracks. The two inventors gasped and then narrowed their eyes as they spotted one another. Tension built up in the room, getting thicker like pollution.

“Baxter?” Sir Pentious asked.

“Wait, you know each other?!” Angel Dust asked.

“My business partner…or ex business partner,” Sir Pentious began.

“Sir Pentious,” Baxter folded his arms. “Fancy seeing you here at this shady joint. How are my Egg Boiz coming along?”

“They have been mine all along, thank you very much!” Sir Pentious scoffed as several Egg Boiz briefly climbed onto his shoulders. “I kept the eggs warm and they’ve been with me all this time.”

“Who do you think brought them to life?” Baxter remarked. “You said you needed minions from me, but all you had were stillborn eggs and malfunctioning copper robots. So, I used electricity, brain matter, and a bit of your DNA to give them sentience!” Baxter remembered laughing evilly, crying out “They’re alive!” as the eggs stood up, eyes appearing, small arms and legs forming in their incubators as lightning zigzagged.

“Yes…and in return I allowed you to conduct your experiments in peace again.”

“But you didn’t! You didn’t keep those things under control, and they kept barging along with their bombs in your silly turf wars, almost destroying my lab! Not to mention, they were way too noisy.”

“Like your A.I. robots are any better,” Sir Pentious narrowed his eyes.

“Oh really?”

Baxter pulled out a remote from his pocket and pressed a button. Several metal balls rolled from under the crate cover before steadying to a stop. Several small gray robots stood up and appeared beside Baxter. They were controlled by mini bio-robotic pufferfish in sea water inside the center of the robots’ metallic chests. Round movable camera heads rotated at the top of the robots. They had long extendable arms and legs and little glowing antennae on their round heads pointing down like escas.

Baxter grinned. “Meet my Piscine Machines! These little gremlins do my every evil bidding and send each other messages through their escas. Plus, they are completely waterproof!”

Several of them had numbers and names on their backs: “Wasser,” “Kugel,” “Nitro,” “Electro,” “Pinky,” among others.

“Those things are stupid,” Sir Pentious snickered. “I could blow them up just like that.”

“We love you, Boss!” called Frank, one of the Egg Boiz to Sir Pentious.

“Oh, like you’re such a wisenheimer,” Baxter scoffed. “If you had followed mein lead, we could’ve ruled Hell together by now!”

“All hail Master Baxter,” one of the Piscine Machines stated in a robotic underwater voice.

Sir Pentious hissed. “I don’t need anyone over me. German gumbo!”

“London lunatic!” retorted Baxter.

“Neurotic nuisance!”

“Steampunk sissy!”

“Fish-fucking freak!”

“Arrogant asshole times infinity!”

Vaggie put her hand to her face in frustration. Alastor looked on, amused. Charlie watched with concern. “Stop fighting, guys!” Husk, Niffty, and Angel Dust sat back with popcorn in their hands. Angel Dust smirked. “Anyone else feeling an Alastor vs Vox vibe?”

The group glanced back and forth as the mad inventor and mad scientist argued.

“I was here in Hell before you, in the 1800s!” Sir Pentious bragged. “Perhaps you were too busy living under a rock to notice the horrific wonders of my products through the centuries!”

“Oh please! I took your old rusty steampunk stuff and improved on it in the 1910s,” Baxter countered. “Replaced your old gears with my superior electricity. And made mein own stuff today! Without me to make your minions for you, you wouldn’t have lasted a day with the other wars and Overlords. This whole backwater realm shall be transformed by my genius work!”

“Your work? Bah! Says a man too cowardly to fight and conquer Hell and instead…swims with the fishes.”

Baxter glowered. “I swear, I could just make you teensy right now, reptile!” He pulled out his white shrink ray.

“Want a blast from the past, baby fish?” Sir Pentious grinned, aiming his gray ray gun.

“ENOUGH!” Vaggie yelled, standing between the two and shoving their guns aside. “Put those weapons away and separate, now! If I hear one more word from you…or if I hear that you harmed someone with your crazy tools, YOU’RE BOTH OUT! Are we clear?”

“Yes,” the inventors nodded.

“I’ve had enough of you demonic apes anyway,” Baxter said, nose in the air, flipping the bird. “At least I didn’t get defeated twice by the same guy like Sir Contentious over here!”

“That’s soon to be Sir Repentious to you! And unlike Dexter here, I’m part of the main cast and appeared in the first Season!” Sir Pentious had a smug look of victory on his face. An “Oooh!” sound emitted from Alastor’s microphone and the Egg Boiz jeered.

Without another word, a glowering defeated Baxter swore under his breath, dragging the large cart behind him and vanishing from sight, the robots rolling in his wake.

Vaggie turned to Charlie with a sigh. “I do hope you know what you’re doing.”

Baxter searched high and low for the perfect lair…until he found one that was fitting.

‘Hmph, an old boat of all places,’ Baxter remarked as he maneuvered inside the old ship attached to the hotel. It had worn white sails and portholes. ‘Note to self, avoid moth girl atop the mast. Perhaps I can build some underground tunnels to connect this to my old lab. I’ll need more water too in case I need to shift to my anglerfish demon form.’ He uncovered the cart to reveal various vials, flasks, beakers, tanks of dissected animals, a few demon heads, needles, and suitcases of his personal items.

“Guess I’d better get to work. Piscines, do your thing.”

His minions got to work, repairing the inside of the boat and drilling holes in the ground for the underground tunnels. Baxter found old tables and shelves in the boat and put his belongings on top. Miraculously, none of the glass containers had broken.

‘They really need a new boat for the place,” Baxter remarked. ‘If you’re gonna add a random boat next to a place, make it look like a nice black Titanic, not a standing up shipwreck.’

After a few days, Baxter was able to construct a small lab in the boat and a larger lab underneath the hotel. One tunnel led to a nearby lake where Baxter could swim in his fish form. Another tunnel led to his old lab in the city (Which still needed repairing.) The main tunnel from the old boat was a secret entrance, and it was how Baxter got in and out. Thankfully, a round metal rising platform in the tunnel allowed travel to and from the lab and the boat. An additional door with another elevator platform in a tunnel served as a shortcut to the front of the hotel.

Baxter chuckled darkly as he mixed various poisonous chemicals together. The first three batches fizzed and exploded, while the fourth one did nothing at all. Nearby, a small creature floated in a tank lit with green light with the label of its name: “Lophiiformes.” The walls of the lab were blue-gray metal and various books, beakers, and machines lined the shelves. Baxter also had two beds, one in the lab and a smaller one on the boat. On a board were old Xirxine lab articles about the creation of human-animal hybrids, with a small picture of a blonde boy with a fluffy tail.

“Hmmm…not quite right. I could’ve sworn it would become my odorless poison gas to use on my enemies.” He sniffed the vial in front of him. “Smells like rotten eggs. Perhaps a dash of nitrogen…or some demon blood to the mix…”

Fortunately, his white shrink ray still worked perfectly.

Baxter sighed. “You have any ideas, Klein?”

Baxter glanced over at his mutant sidekick, a dark blue demonic cyborg pufferfish with a blue rat’s face in a larger moving gray robot. Klein glanced at him from within his watery space at the center of the robot. The animal’s thoughts appeared in words on a small screen at the bottom of the robot and a watery robotic voice came out of a small speaker.

“Feed me, master.”

“I told you, I’m out of cheese. If you want food, use your robotic mouth to tear up some bugs or fish.”

Klein shook with fear a bit.

“There’s nothing to be scared of in the ocean, Klein.”

“Overlord…sharks…” the words appearing on the small rectangular screen on the robot.

“Wait…you’re scared of Vox’s sharks? You fool, they are nowhere near here! Now if you have any ideas that could help me…”

“No ideas. What are you gonna do today?” asked Klein.

(“Hell Domination” song)

“The same thing we do every day, Klein,” sang Baxter, eyes briefly glowing cyan, “…try and take over Hell!”

Baxter then added with a smirk, “Starting with this hotel!”

Klein added in song, “I don’t think it will go well…”

“Oh pray, do tell…” Baxter folded his arms.

Klein stood up and maneuvered through the lab on his extendable robot legs and arms.

“Well, there’s a leak from a pipe over here…”

He mentioned to water dripping from a pipe on the ceiling.

“…and on that wall is some old smear…”

He used his robotic claw to point to a green smear.

“…and to make things clear…

…You just got here,

To a new place with its strangers and dangers,

And very powerful demons, I hear…”

“Oh Klein, have no fear!” called Baxter.

“Just a screw here…”

Baxter stood on a ladder and fixed the pipe leak.

“…and a wipe there…”

Baxter wiped off the smear on the wall.

“…and all will be orderly everywhere.”

“You’re all by yourself, too…” Klein mentioned.

Baxter waved a hand and scoffed.

“I only need mein genius to get me through!”

“Well, that’s true…” Klein shrugged.

Baxter wandered around the lab, checking out the various specimens. He examined the floating fetus creature in the tube of green light, as well as demon heads floating in jars.

“It is a great requirement…

That I keep a sterile environment…”

Baxter pulled out a bunch of papers with various formulas written on it.

“Must stay ahead in the science race,

Nothing missing or out of place…”

Charlie knocked on the wooden door, the shortcut to the hotel and food. She had obviously gotten on the elevator platform and ignored the sign in bold letters that read “BAXTER’S LABORATORY: DO NOT DISTURB!”

“Baxter? Are you in here?”

Baxter seethed and muttered in a low voice.

“The people here…oh what a disgrace!”

Baxter looked over some blueprints to build a rocket to Hell’s pentagram moon. The labels on it read, “fly to moon,” “shrink the moon,” “Rule over Hell by threatening to destroy the moon.” “Plan 2: rule over shrunken moon.” “Plan 3: Actually find enough material to build rocket.”

“I shall not stop until the world is mine!

When all will marvel at my grand design!

They’ll find out that I’m no abomination

I’ll get my official nomination

For Hell’s domination!”

Baxter chuckled evilly and glanced up at vials of black demon blood, and red Sinner blood. He took them in each hand, peering closely.

“How do the cells in each blood mix?

Could angelic blood provide a quick fix,

To the many sufferings demons pay?

Oh, how to find rivals to dissect and slay!

And manipulate their DNA!”

Baxter grinned as he examined demon anatomy drawing figures in an old textbook near a couple of lit black candles and skulls on the table.

“If I could keep more idiots at bay,

What a fine plan, I must say!”

His cyan eyes darted in a crazed manner.

Klein leaned in front of him and reminded him,

“In this hotel you want to stay?

No killings of residents today!”

Baxter stood up and moved to another part of the lab.

“I’ll just stay out of Hell’s fray!”

He was about to shock a rat in a cage when a beaming Charlie burst through the door. She held up a paper that read, “Team meeting required!” in crayon.

“Urgh, NO WAY!” Baxter groaned in song.

Baxter rolled his eyes and followed her.

Baxter soon sat with his arms folded with the group as Charlie talked about ways to improve themselves. Baxter glared as Charlie happily talked with Sir Pentious.

“Oh, how I loathe that loser Sir Pentious!

His steampunk flare, he’s so pretentious!”

Baxter watched as Sir Pentious demonstrated how his cannon invention worked. A blast shook the hotel and to his dismay, there was a new hole in the door to his lab.

“Taking the Egg Boiz I helped make,

Only so much talk I can take!”

Baxter later sat at the bar, face to face with grumpy Husk, who didn’t seem to want to talk.

“What is up with this cat with wings?

And why he is surrounded by alcoholic things?

Grumpy all the time, seems rather old.

Boring chap, seeker of gold.”

“One bottle of Eiswein, 1825 please,” Baxter said, sitting on a stool.

Husk glared. “Do I look like a fancy bartender? I don’t have every wine in the world!”

Baxter narrowed his eyes. “Yes, you do. All you guys have bowties, top hats, and suits, so I expect perfection and elegance! And why wouldn’t you have it all if this is some kind of magical hallucinatory afterlife?”

“Well, you’re outta luck, kid. This is Hell.”

“And don’t call me a kid!” Eyes briefly appeared where Baxter’s cyan dots were in his hair. “I’m a full-grown man, soon to be the most prodigious creator in all of Hell’s history!”

“Keep dreaming, shorty.”

“Keep brooding, kitty cat.”

They exchanged middle fingers/claws before Baxter stomped off.

Baxter and Vaggie then exchanged glares as they wandered around, doing their things.

“Creepy moth Fräulein, don’t get too near

If I could find a way to take her spear,

A fabulous looking weapon indeed,

Could it be sold to add to my greed?”

Baxter reached out toward the spear, dollar signs in his eyes, but Vaggie shooed him away, swearing in Spanish. Baxter later flinched as Angel Dust gave him a sultry look.

“Hey, fish face, you’re smart. Can ya make me any extra crack?”

“A sex-crazed man, oh so gross!

He might be one I despise the most!

Wasted in drugs, IQ the size of a pea…”

“GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME!” Baxter cried as Angel Dust grabbed hold of his esca and one of his fin ears with a seductive grin. He shoved Angel Dust away and brushed off his lab coat in disgust.

Charlie sighed. “We still need to work on boundaries, Angel.”

“And not using drugs or killing people,” Vaggie added.

“But how else can I defend myself in this fucked up city?” Angel Dust asked.

“Sinners are immortal, right?” Baxter asked.

“Yes,” said Charlie. “Unless they are killed by angelic weapons.”

“Well you’re the princess. Tell them about their immortality, bring them together to talk about their past Earth lives and tell them to lay down their weapons…and bring them to me instead! Dilly! A non-violent world under my rule!”

“Uh…” Charlie began as Vaggie stared blankly. Then Charlie brightened. “Oh yes, Baxter, great idea! We’ll all just talk about how we lived and died on Earth! What a great way to bond.”

Baxter face-palmed in embarrassment.

“Fuck no,” Angel Dust growled. “I don’t do trust, remember?”

“And you aren’t even a Sinner, Charlie,” Vaggie added.

“Are you sure you’re actually a Sinner, Vaggie?” Angel Dust narrowed his eyes.

“Uh…” Vaggie paused, “Yes! I am! I came from El Salvador, Earth and then to Hell and not from any other afterlife place…”

Baxter fumed. “You fools aren’t even listening! Immortal Sinners with angelic weapons = great potential mind-controlled army!” Baxter cackled with more ideas. “No talk! Just act!”

Charlie held out her hands. “Just stick to the redemption plan, Baxter.”

Baxter held a middle finger. “I’LL EXPERIMENT AS I PLEASE!”

Baxter also flinched back in fear as Niffty giggled and stared hard at him, grinning, “Bad science boy! Wanna get a smoothie together and…check out my smut fanfics?”

“Uh, I don’t even wanna know what the last thing you said is,” Baxter muttered in disgust.

“Though I appreciate her cleaning routine,

I feel disturbed by her daily scheme.

A crazed psychopath, a damaged mind,

I do not wish to meet more of her kind…”

Baxter also stared with fear and awe at Alastor.

“A mystery deer man, works the radio

An entertainer, loves to be in his show.

Could his high power be a perk?

Or is he a manipulative jerk?”

“Oh, another Sir Pentious?” Alastor asked, eyes narrowing. “Feel free to face my magic if you dare.”

“Nein.” Baxter promptly ran off.

“Ready to talk about your feelings, Baxter?” Charlie smiled.

“Oh, I’ll tell you what I feel,” Baxter snapped. “Socializing and redemption is for the weak-minded. Dummkopf.”

“I will take your dangerous science stuff away,” Vaggie glared in warning. “There will be no experiments on anyone or anything at this hotel!”

Charlie stared blankly at Baxter before he strolled back to the lab, flipping Vaggie the bird.

“Blonde babbling annoyance is Charlie!

Sweet, I suppose, but still nothing to me!

Making me interact with cretins? No!

It shall not be so!

When I rule Hell,

Those morons will be the first to go!”

“You are not the most clever,” Sir Pentious argued.

“Niffty, do not pull that lever!” Baxter yelled with a jump as Niffty reached for a nearby lever by his lab door. He hissed and she scurried away with a giggle.

“Apologize,” Vaggie chided.

“Never!” Baxter yelled, slamming the door.

Charlie was about to burst into song about redemption and getting along.

“My Sinner friends, let’s learn to get along…”

Baxter opened the door a crack and pointed at her threateningly.

“And don’t burst into song!”

He slammed the door again, going down the platform and entering the lab.

He stood with his back to the door, shaking. The lights dimmed in his lab as he caught his breath.

“Why didn’t I go deeper underground?

Where I could experiment in peace with no demon to be found?

I want acknowledgement for my greatness, yes…”

Baxter slouched as he sat in a chair, Klein squeaking toward him.

“Even though this life, too is a mess…

But I say, it wasn’t always this way…”

Voice cracking a bit, Baxter sighed and had brief memory flashbacks. A shadow of Baxter morphed into a shadow of a little girl against the dark cyan wall. A mother and father shadow figures hugged the girl.

“Early 20th century…raised in a decent family in Germany…”

“Loved by my parents, life of inertia…

Gave me a peculiar name, Bertha…”

The shadows morphed into human Baxter, running fingers down a dress he wore. The shadow was bored as other girls in dresses talked on a bench.

“Doing household work and wearing dresses

Was only the beginning of my stresses…”

Baxter’s shadow read a sign that said “Science Fair,” then with a lowered head as “Boys only” appeared. Human Baxter watched in envy as boy student figures presented their science projects.

“I studied and researched all night long…

Having no idea that a girl in science…

…was seen as wrong.”

The human shadow of Baxter protested as the parent figures shook their heads, taking away books and instead offering a wedding dress.

“I could not afford to waste in a passive role.

The rules and pressure took a toll…”

The shadow of Baxter studied and then began to conduct experiments in secret. Befriending mice but then killing them after wanting to see their insides like in a textbook he had. Baxter stole testosterone drugs from a shop at night, slowly turning male.

“When I wanted to pursue science…

They reared back in defiance…”

A young Baxter flinched back as his mother hit him, words in a thought bubble next to her, “You’re our daughter! Girls raise children.” While his father lowered his head. “I’d like a son, but you’re a lie.”

The Baxter shadow in tears, ran away, a somber song pouring from Baxter’s core.

“I ran away from home.

With nothing but my gadgets, lost and alone.

Things were never the same.

I changed my sex and changed my name.”

A picture appeared of Baxter, a human male with white skin, short black hair and blue eyes wearing a white lab coat and goggles.

Baxter’s shadow grew up, making more inventions and weapons after working long hours at an engineering factory. His work got more praise as he proudly displayed various chemicals, machines, and physics research. Two adult male figures came over to Baxter, shaking his hand. Shadows of factory workers produced steel for Baxter in long hard conditions.

“Chemical weapons, electricity

All those and more, my specialty…

I experimented on humans, too,

With my special genius crew…”

Baxter’s shadow showed an evil grin as a shadow of a screaming human struggled in a bath of ice, while another scientist performed a lobotomy. He had given up his humanity for the sake of scientific progress. He was also a supporter of eugenics.

“I still remember my last mission on Earth before

To help carry out nuclear weapons of war.”

Baxter’s shadow rode on a large German boat, working on a war submarine blueprint.

“But my notoriety journey and hope was dashed

Because my boat soon crashed!”

The boat turned over as it crashed into a rival ship. Baxter, desperate to save his inventions, tried to get out of the room he was in…too late. He soon drowned as ocean water rushed in, flowing over his head. His body sank with the boat and his inventions were lost to time.

Baxter returned back to the present, staring at his reflection in a glass tank. His anglerfish form was a reminder of three things Baxter hated most: his drowning death, his never-ending anglerfish hunger for victims and knowledge…and his former female traits. He scoffed and waved a hand.

“None of that matters now. After many years, and at this new place, I might get another chance…to make changes in my favor!”

He and his sidekick sang.

“I shall not stop until the world is mine!

When all will marvel at my grand design!

They’ll find out that I’m no abomination,

I’ll get my official nomination

For Hell’s domination!

Muhahahahahaha!”

Baxter mixed more chemicals together before he and Klein broke out in evil crazed laughter as electricity sparked around them. Baxter’s eyes and teeth glowed cyan in the darkness.

0 0 0

“Guten morgen, Klein,” Baxter groaned after a short rest. The robot whirled over in greeting. Baxter sat up in his small bed in the lab and got ready for the day. Before long, he was back in his usual science garb. So far, his projects didn’t seem to be making much progress, aside from his shrink ray. The rocket project was put on hold, the flux capacitor for an old time machine had crumbled in explosive smoke, and he still couldn’t come up with an odorless poison gas for his enemies. As for making hybrids? He figured there were plenty of them in Hell already. He glanced at his valuable emergency stash of angelic weapons: one dagger, one small sword with three tips on top, and one revolver with only two bullets. Those he would keep for himself just in case. He would eventually need to contact Carmilla Carmine for advice on how to improve his own creations against the Exorcists.

Baxter stood up and examined his various items, He was disappointed that only a few jars of mustard gas were left. He had tried to use the other ones against Sir Pentious in an old turf war but had almost gotten hit with Sir Pentious’ laser blasts.

“If only there was some way to harm the fools, make them easier to control in just one blast…”

Baxter flipped through his books. Nanotechnology would take too long at the moment, given how desperate the princess was at making him interact and restraining his valuable research time. What would be almost invisible but uniquely effective?

After a while, Baxter came up with a bizarre idea. He looked at a diagram of a black demonic cactus in an old leather-bound book and read a description. “Diablo Desert cactus juice; a natural psychedelic found in the Infernius Cactus plant. It creates hallucinations like on Earth but for longer periods of time. Can infect the mind if exposed for several hours. Takes effect when ingested or when it enters the eyes and mouth.”

“Brain blast!” Baxter cried out with a cackle. Klein jumped up in brief shock. Baxter grinned. “I shall collect this ‘cactus juice,’ dilute it into one of my ray guns and with the pull of a trigger, it’ll splash into their eyes and mouth, causing instant nightmares. And with them being in such mental agony, they’ll do anything to follow my commands.”

Klein grinned as well and pointed to a map of Pentagram City in one of the other books.

“Diablo Desert…that appears to be on the outskirts of the city. Although it would be dangerous to go back outside…bah! Better that then having those demons bother me all day long!”

Baxter growled as he heard the sound of Angel Dust’s sexual moans and Sir Pentious’ bomb blasts from up above.

“Why didn’t I make these walls more soundproof?!”

He turned to Klein. “My greatest militaristic and scientific achievement may be at hand. Come, Klein! Prepare…the Baxtermobile!” He pointed forward.

A pause.

Klein stood silent. “Uh, master, you don’t have one.”

Baxter lowered his hand. “What do you mean I don’t have one?! I had one just a few days ago!”

“Well…”

Klein recalled to him the moment when Baxter had been at one of Charlie’s friendship meetings. When no one was looking, Niffty had pulled the lever and snuck down into the lab. She had pushed a big red “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH” button and from underneath the floor, a small blue car appeared with fish fins, eyes for headlights and a monstrous teeth design in the front. It also had built-in torpedoes. Pressing a blue button on the side, the car shrunk to fit in her hands. Niffty gleefully took it back upstairs and pressed the button to enlarge it outside the hotel. She had tried to drive it, but instead reversed it into the chain-link fence where it soon exploded after Sir Pentious accidentally hit it with a machine blast at target practice. Niffty flew out of the vehicle from the force of the explosion, landing on her back. “I’m okay!” she grinned as Sir Pentious and his minions glanced in confusion.

“I couldn’t afford to tell you, master,” Klein shuddered.

Baxter swore under his breath. “Fine! I shall walk! Piscines, cover me! Klein, watch over the lab! And for fucks sake, don’t forget to lock the doors this time! The code is 010101…0.”

Klein shook his robot head. “That’s the passcode?”

“It’s computer binary code, the most classic there is!” Baxter protested. He pressed a button and lifted himself up toward the boat, with several Piscines following him. Niffty had been outside cleaning up the debris Sir Pentious had made. Baxter didn’t notice the cyclops maid peering out from a corner at the front of the hotel.

“Diablo’s Desert should be this way…I think,” Baxter muttered to his robots. Niffty gasped and went back inside.

“Hey, guys?” Niffty asked, scurrying over to the group. An unusual look of worry was on her face.

Alastor was reading a newspaper in a red chair. Angel Dust was scrolling through his phone. Husk was slouching at the bar. Sir Pentious was testing his inventions outside. Charlie was drawing more group bonding ideas on pieces of paper while Vaggie was listening to El Salvadorian punk rock music with gray headphones.

“What now?” Vaggie glared, removing the headphones. “Shouldn’t you be cleaning some more or drooling over those male model magazines of yours?”

“Well, I was going to do just that,” Niffty said, “but that cute slippery science guy appears to be missing.”

“Oh, go figure,” Vaggie retorted. “He does nothing but plot in his lab.” She turned to her girlfriend. “Charlie, you may have to ban him and Sir Pentious if their killing goes too far…”

“No!” said Niffty. “I mean, like he’s actually missing! I saw him and some robots wander the streets. I heard them talking about some desert.”

Charlie then raced over. “What?! How could he just leave?”

Vaggie deadpanned. “He’s betraying us already!”

“I think he’ll come back,” said Niffty. “Maybe he’s just…running an errand?”

Vaggie looked worried. “I don’t think he would do something that trivial.”

“We have to go after him!” said Charlie. “Make sure he’s safe!”

“You’re right,” said Vaggie. “Since he knows about the hotel, we can’t risk him getting with the Vees, or worse.”

“So you dames are leaving this place and going after a guy you barely know?” Husk asked, eyebrow raised.

“Afraid so,” Charlie said.

Husk sighed. “Well, nothin’ better to do in this dump. I’ll come along. If he gets into any shady business, you guys’ll need someone who…knows the streets.”

Angel Dust grinned. “I’m always up for adventure! And since I don’t have to see Val today, I’ll tag along, too!”

“Oh, thank you, Angel,” Charlie said. She watched as Angel Dust checked one of his long gray guns in his hand, the one decorated with a spider web design. “Just…don’t kill anyone unless you have to.”

“Fine by me.”

“And don’t be grabby with me or anyone else,” Husk added.

“Will do, Husker,” Angel Dust smirked.

“And quit callin’ me that!” Husk pointed a claw. He packed some sharp playing cards and explosive dice into a small bag, plus a revolver decorated with card suits.

“I’m coming too!” Niffty added, holding a sharp sewing needle.

“Can you defend yourself?” Husk asked. Niffty demonstrated by throwing a small dagger into the wall and lifting up the red couch with one small hand before setting it down.

Husk shrugged. “That answers that. Come along.”

Vaggie stood with her hands on her hips as she watched Alastor lounge in his seat and Sir Pentious coming back inside. “What are you waiting for? We need to find Baxter! Vamanos!”

Sir Pentious crossed his arms, forked tongue out. “Go after that cheating science sardine? No way! I’m staying here with my minions, guarding the fort!”

Alastor smirked as he relaxed in his red chair with a newspaper, a red mug of coffee in his hand and KeeKee purring on his lap.

“You’re not coming, either?” Vaggie asked.

Alastor waved his hand. “As much I like entertainment, I feel that you guys can handle this rather…fishy situation on your own. Hahaha!”

“But you’re powerful! You can’t just leave us!”

“Don’t dilly-dally, my dear! The more you linger, the more that fish may get eaten by a…loan shark perhaps! Haha!” His microphone cane next to him did a crowd laughter sound effect.

Vaggie’s face turned red. “Fine!” She held out her spear. “I want to see this hotel still intact when we come back! Both of you will leave if I find out about any fighting! Got it?”

Both men nodded, giving each other brief glares before continuing with their routines.

Baxter huffed and puffed as he and a few robots wandered the chaotic streets of Pentagram City. Through the thick smog, he could catch a glimpse at a desert in the distance.

“Almost…there,” he told himself. He had narrowly avoided angry drunks throwing beer bottles at him, Vox’s sleazy commercials (“VoxTek ScienceSensationApp 6.6: Trust us with your equipment! I’m looking at you, fish boy!”), Envy Ring aquatic demons calling him “puny,” and a slender blonde three-eyed lady with what Baxter recalled, “dat fine booty.” (His robot minions had to shock him to his senses at the last one).

At last, Baxter set foot on the grainy red sand of Diablo Desert. There was not much to look at, save for a few black cacti, some rocks, and a small demonic scorpion with lots of little red eyes perched on another rock.

“Be careful, minions,” said Baxter. “Scorpions, snakes, vultures…lots of dangers here.”

The desert heat did nothing to aid Baxter in his evil genius journey. His scales became wrinkly and every once in a while, he had to splash himself with a device that could turn molecules into water. But even the water recycling device could only do so much.

Baxter glanced down at one of the robots who showed him a holographic map of the area. A few red dots showed the cactus plants that held the most effective hallucinogenic juice he needed. It was still a long way to go to the largest one. The map also showed a small nearby town with old wooden and metal buildings decorated with eyes: “Death Village.”

Baxter wiped away sand from his goggles and shook sand from his hair. “Not…too much longer…”

The Hazbin gang followed not too far behind. They would’ve been able to spot Baxter if not for the blowing sand.

“Baxter! Baxter!” Charlie called.

“I don’t think he can hear us!” Angel Dust mentioned. “Niffty, are you certain he went this way?”

“I think so!” she called, riding on Husk’s back to keep from sinking into the sand. “This is the only desert around Pentagram City.”

“Well, you forgot to mention how fucking huge it is!” Husk groaned. “It’s like tryin’ to find one golden Joker in a million decks.”

“Well, it’s not impossible,” said Charlie.

“Why would Baxter want to come all this way to a hot desert?” Angel Dust asked.

Charlie peered ahead and spotted a wooden sign that read “Death Village, No Outlaws Here!”

“I bet he went to the town! Let’s go, guys!”

Everyone trailed behind Charlie. Finally, the wind stopped, and all was eerily quiet. The small western-style town had several taverns, poles for demonic skeletal horses, banks with broken windows, and a sherif’s office with no police force in sight. A few shops sold angelic weapons, drugs, beer, farm equipment, and for a very expensive price, water.

“I don’t like the look of this place,” Charlie whispered as they passed by a shady motel (“Shady Motel: No Shade Here, 100% Livable!”) She spied two demons smoking in a small room as demon cockroaches crawled in every corner. Black vultures with eyes on their wings pecked at a dead demon carcass in the red sand as other demons dressed in cowboy attire casually watched. Vaggie mentioned for Charlie to cover her head with one of several brown hooded robes they had packed along. Soon everyone except Niffty had their heads covered from passerby.

“Uh, Charlie?” Vaggie asked, holding her spear. “I get the strange feeling that we’re being watched.” Shadowy heads and glowing eyes peered out from inside the darkened buildings.

“Oh Vaggie, you worry too much,” Charlie chuckled. “I’m sure we’ll meet some friendly folks here who will point us in the right direction to our friend.”

“He’s not our friend,” Angel Dust said. “We’re risking our lives for a deranged stranger.”

“We’ve come all this way,” said Vaggie. “Might as well get it over with.”

Niffty giggled as she hopped down from Husk’s shoulders. She eyed a muscular demon with tattoos on his arms before Husk yanked her back. “You’re holdin’ my hand,” he deadpanned. Niffty giggled. “How romantic.”

“Shut up,” said Husk. “You started this mess, you’ll keep us out of any more messes!”

“That’s what I do best!”

Husk rolled his eyes. “Right.”

They finally arrived at a central tavern with wooden shutter doors.

Charlie and Vaggie went inside, sticking close together. Niffty followed under their feet.

“Spider creep,” Husk told Angel. “You stand guard while we go interrogate.”

Husk followed the crew inside, leaving Angel Dust outside.

“Can ya get me a strong one while you’re in there?” he asked.

“Don’t count on it!” Husk replied.

Angel Dust scoffed and muttered to himself. “I never get paid well for shit like this.”

It was dank and crowded in the tavern, but it was better than being out in the heat. A group of demons played pool in the corner, hitting real eyeballs with sticks. Several snake demons wearing cowboy hats sat at a booth playing cards and drinking. Two thugs beat up a purple demon and tossed him out through a window that shattered. Vaggie coughed as cigarette smoke hazed and settled in the room.

Husk smirked at Charlie. “Be glad you’re not running the ‘Hazbin Motel.’” Charlie laughed nervously, straightening up her blonde hair underneath her hood.

The crew went up to the bar and sat on the stools. Husk placed several demon soul coins onto the counter. The bartender appeared; a blue dragon with a black beard, wearing a plaid shirt, thick boots, and black overalls. A gold nose ring gleamed from near his nostrils.

“Outsiders, eh?” grunted the dragon.

“Just travelers searching for precious riches like all of us,” Husk replied. “We’ll take one Beelzejuice, and several ’66 Satantonics.”

“Wait, I don’t drink,” Charlie began, but Husk hissed, “Just go with it.”

The dragon took the glowing coins and placed several dirty mugs of alcohol in front of them. Charlie gently pushed the drink away and Vaggie did the same. Husk held a paw on Niffty’s shoulder, stopping her from chugging her drink down.

Outside, Angel Dust peered around and spotted a shadowy figure in the distance. He and the figure drew out their guns at the same time.

“What’re you doin’ here, stranger?” asked the figure.

“None of ya business,” Angel Dust replied.

“I know every scoundrel in this town,” said the figure. “I spotted you and your hooded crew. And you don’t belong here.”

“If I were you, I’d back off and pick on somebody else.”

“You’re in the way,” seethed the figure.

“So?”

“So, if ya have no friends in there you’re protectin,’ ya should be fine with lettin’ me pass.”

Angel Dust wouldn’t budge.

The figure began. “I’ll give ya five sec…”

Vaggie and Charlie jumped as they heard gunshots from outside. The dragon raised an eyebrow. “There a problem?”

“No problem at all,” said Charlie. “We’re…looking for a fishy chap who came by this way. Have you seen him?”

“Nope. Hardly anyone comes to visit here.”

“Anything…uniquely of value here?” asked Husk.

“Usual weapons, gold, drugs and the like,” the dragon said. “But there is one thing we have that you city-folk don’t.”

“Can you tell us?” asked Charlie.

The dragon grinned, mentioning to the group of card players. “If you show me your mark. Or perhaps you can gamble for the answer.”

“What mark?” asked Vaggie.

The dragon showed a black tattoo on his wrist: three black 6s encircled together with eyes inside the round loops in the 6s.

Husk’s eyes widened and he shook. He hadn’t gambled for something big since he had lost to Alastor. He grew more worried as he saw other demons with the same mark on their wrists, arms, and legs. They clearly were outsiders now.

“You too much of a scaredy cat?” the dragon mocked. Husk narrowed his eyes in return. Husk was about to head over to the poker table when Vaggie asked, “Hey, where’s Niffty?”

Husk then gasped as Niffty flirted with a bunch of muscular men with guns.

“Are you kidding me?!” Husk called in frustration as he snatched Niffty away before things could get heated.

“Your little gremlin almost snatched my gold necklace,” said one of the reptile demons.

“Sorry, sir,” said Husk.

Things got worse when Husk stretched out his wings and accidentally spilled beer onto another demon’s lap. “Watch it, pussy!” barked the demon.

“Oops,” Husk shook with embarrassment. “Why do I even have these useless wings?!”

Angel Dust burst into the room. “Guys, we gotta move!” He punched a demon guy before he got to the shutter doors. A smirking demon moved his spiky tail under Angel Dust’s feet causing him to trip. His hood fell off and the crowd fell silent.

“Is that Angel the porn star?” asked a cowboy. “I saw him on the old TV.”

“Is he rich?” asked another.

“Heard he works for one rich master,” said another demon.

“Hang on,” the dragon said, eyes narrowing.

The dragon stepped over and removed the girls’ hoods. Charlie and Vaggie gasped and stepped back.

“Is that the princess?” asked the dragon. He then grinned evilly as a masked gang burst into the tavern.

“Here’s the jackpot, boys!” he called, mentioning to the group as Charlie cried, “No!”

“They have no marks,” called another demon. “Get ‘em!”

There was a roar of shattering glass bottles, shouts, and gunshots. Several demons cheered and banged their fists as they watched the brawls.

“Heh,” the dragon smirked. “Those fools didn’t even find out about our hidden cactus juice secret. Very few demons know about it.” Another demon glared at the dragon as Husk gave him the stink eye. “What? What did I say?” asked the dragon. “Shit!” The dragon ducked before one of Husk’s dagger cards smashed an overhead bottle.

Angel Dust fired his weapons at several thugs. Husk threw his dagger cards and exploding dice at the card-playing serpents, their heads exploding in red blood. Niffty laughed at the chaos until a meaty hand grabbed her from behind. She shrieked in fright.

“Niffty!” Angel Dust cried out before a heavy club came down hard on his head. The spider collapsed as Husk was put into a chokehold by another demon. Charlie and Vaggie tried to sprint for the door, but two leering men stopped them in their tracks, placing dirty rags over their mouths and noses. The girls struggled and groaned until they succumbed and passed out.

0 0 0

Baxter was dehydrated and exhausted, a literal fish out of water. “Vat vas I thinking?” Baxter groaned. “Valking vithout vater in this vasteland, all in search for juice?” Baxter nearly stepped onto a red snake with many eyes along his back. The snake hissed. Baxter glanced at it. “Stop mocking me, Sir Pentious! You know I vill always be the better creator! Take dis! And dat!” He kicked the sand in front of him and face-planted in the sand. The snake rolled its eyes and slithered away. In his drowsy state, Baxter stood up and spat out red sand. “I’m surely going in circles, surrounded by rolling gray armadillos.”

The three rolling robots tried to get his attention.

The oblivious Baxter didn’t notice a black, many-eyed scorpion behind a rock, getting ready to pounce. The scorpion lunged at Baxter’s neck with a hiss, barbed tail posed to sting…

Zap!

The creature fell charred to the sandy ground as one of the robots zapped it with a taser in its robot hand.

Baxter turned around and glanced down. “Oh? A new poisonous specimen! Perfect for my collection!” He pulled out a small jar and placed the dead scorpion inside, pocketing it.

Baxter continued onward, until he finally appeared at the largest red dot on the map. He nearly crashed into a towering black cactus with poisonous black spikes jutting in every direction. Baxter nodded to the robots. One of them climbed up the cactus with clawed metal hands. The round camera on top whirred to the left and right. It then tapped the cactus and found the perfect spot. As a small drill emerged from one of the robot’s hands, another minion held a plastic syringe-like object. The first robot finished drilling and tan liquid spilled out of the hole. The second robot sucked the liquid into the syringe and the third robot captured more in a test tube. The robots avoided the barbs and jumped down to help Baxter load his new gun. It had several small needle-like darts with the cactus juice soon inside.

“Oh excellent, excellent!” Baxter grinned.

“Hey!” called an orange demon with two curved horns. “That’s my cactus juice ya got there.”

“No, it’s not!” Baxter replied.

The orange demon showed the 6s mark on his wrist. “Only those in Death Village know about that stuff. We sell it on the black market in secret. Outsiders should not…”

Baxter fired a dart and it landed into the demon’s forehead. The demon swayed around and blurted out many curses before collapsing onto the sand.

“Man, that stuff is strong,” Baxter mentioned, before he heard something nearby. He and the robots snuck past the cactus and toward an open space just outside the town. Baxter hid behind a rock and slowly lifted his head. To his shock, he found the Hazbin gang surrounded by outlaws!

Charlie and her crew slowly woke up, shaking their heads.

“Oh, shit,” Husk drawled as he and the gang struggled in vain to free themselves from the brown rope tying all of them up together.

Niffty glanced around. “Being tied up isn’t really that bad…”

“You need serious help, Niffty,” Vaggie glared.

“If we’re going for BDSM, guys, it’ll cost ya extra,” Angel Dust joked half-heartedly.

“Ow! Hey!” Angel Dust spat as he was slapped in the head from behind.

“The has-beens are finally awake!” drawled a rough voice, chuckling evilly.

Charlie took a better look at the gang surrounding them. One man had a red scarf over his mouth and his light green face was long and bald, save for small black hairs on both sides. His partner next to him had a wrinkled gray face, with a red scarf near his neck and a black strand of hair sticking upward like a stick on his head. He also had one black eye patch over his right eye like a pirate.

Then the leader stepped forward, the one who had spoken. He was heavyset with dark yellow skin and a large mouth full of sharp yellow teeth. His eyes glowed red and a brown cowboy had was on his head, dotted with smaller red eyes. All the members had the 6 marks on their wrists and wore dark brown and black cowboy attire. The leader had black cowboy boots and a belt with several pistols…one of which had glowing white designs on it.

“Guys,” Vaggie started to panic in a whisper. “That’s an angelic weapon he has there.”

“So, let’s grab it,” Niffty said.

“No, I mean, if he kills us with it, we’re goners.”

The leader grinned. “Oh, y’all talking about this, here?” He took out the angelic pistol and twirled it in his meaty hand. “Pretty fancy, huh? My two fellas here managed to sell our special commodity in the city for a big price. With that money, they got me this weapon just as I ordered. Now I’m in charge of this here town…” he leaned forward.

“…and it seems you folk couldn’t take the heat.”

“You better let us go,” Vaggie glared.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” said the leader. “The name’s Gus. ‘Cause Gus what?” He grinned. “Ah believe I just captured Hell’s very own princess!”

“And a famous porn star!” added Baldy.

“And an ex-Overlord,” snickered One-Eye in a low voice.

“And…uh…” Baldy peered closer. “Some…comedic relief maid and this…”

Gus leered closer to Vaggie with a lustful look. “Fallen angel of a chick?”

Vaggie almost passed out due to fear of her true origins. Thankfully none of the others seemed to notice.

“Yes, boys, this is our lucky day. With the princess and the spider and the kitty held hostage, we’ll be sure to get ransom money from their masters and the king himself! Vox’s commercials sure do tell a lot.”

“How stupid,” Angel Dust deadpanned. “Val doesn’t even know about you guys.”

“My dad can totally kick your asses,” Charlie added.

“And you don’t wanna know who I deal with,” Husk growled.

“Well, princess, this is where you come in,” said Gus. “You are going to summon the head honchos here and demand them that they give us all their riches…in exchange for your freedom and your life!”

“With that money, we’ll be able to start our own drug cartels,” smirked Baldy. “No more being limited to the desert. Once word gets out, we’ll sell heaps of cactus juice and become Overlords ourselves!”

One-Eye grinned at Charlie and Vaggie. “The guys will work in our factory and you two shall…” he licked his lips, “give us more intimate pleasures…”

Vaggie and Charlie flinched back in disgust. Niffty grinned. “Oh yes, please!” One-Eye then glanced at Niffty, waving a hand, “No, not that one,” and stepped back. Niffty groaned in disappointment.

“Or, you know, we can just kill ya,” added Baldy.

“Are you guys crazy?!” Charlie bellowed. “I don’t know any summoning magic!”

“Well, you have ten seconds to get started,” Gus began. “Or your little friends go double dead!”

The crew shivered and shook as the pistol was aimed at them.

“By my scientific calculations, I see a 0% chance of that occurring!”

The crew gasped as a fish scientist boldly stood his ground in front of Gus.

“Baxter!” Charlie called happily.

“That’s Dr. Baxter to you!”

“What is this? A fish out of water?” Gus mocked. “Why don’t you swim on back to the ocean?”

Baxter fired a dart, but missed.

“Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me, faggot!” Gus mocked. His goons pounced toward Baxter, but he flipped out of the way.

“You cavemen have amazingly slow reflexes,” Baxter mentioned. “And I’m not interested in anyone!”

“You’re nothin’ but shark bait!” Gus hollered. “You’ll be great on my dinner plate!”

Baxter dodged a bullet as he replied, “Your puns aren’t that punny!”

“Get him!” Gus roared as Baldy and One-Eye chased after him. “I’ve got bigger fish to fry! Hahaha!”

Gus turned to his hostages and grinned. “The curtain closes on your pathetic little afterlives…”

One of Baxter’s robots moved its long extendable arm under Gus’ feet and he tripped forward with an “Oof!”

“What the?” Angel Dust asked. Another robot rolled over to the pile of weapons, tossing Niffty’s sewing needle over to the group. The robot was about to toss Angel Dust one of his guns when an explosive bullet rammed into the robot, making it explode. One-Eye had fired the shot.

One-Eye laughed as he stepped on the dead anglerfish surrounded by a puddle of water and the metal remains of the robot. “Bye, fishy!”

Baxter seethed.

Niffty reached forward and managed to grab the sewing needle with her foot. She flipped it up and grabbed it in her hand. She sawed quickly at the rope until it loosened. Husk was able to cut the rope further using his sharp claws. The friends were finally free as the rope fell off.

“Let’s go!” called Vaggie, racing over to retrive her spear. Angel Dust retrieved one of his guns, exhanging blasts with Gus. Vaggie waved her spear at One-Eye, who dodged her attacks and made her trip on her hair. He was about to choke her, when Charlie slapped him in the face.

“Why you little…” One-Eye began before one of Husk’s cards pierced him in the gut. The goon collpased dead on the sand. “Stab! Stab! Stab!” Niffty laughed evilly as she leaped onto One-Eye’s back and stabbed his exposed neck with her sewing needle.

“I’m gonna wash you out, spider!” Gus called, firing more bullets that Angel Dust dodged. “And your kitty-cat boyfriend’s gonna be in the cathouse when I’m done with him!”

“You guys are pretty pathetic at this,” Angel Dust retorted. “And your jokes truly suck. Alastor does better dad jokes than that.”

“Hey,” Angel Dust called, turning to Baldy. “Is your face a cactus, or a lime-colored dick?”

“Shut up, whore!” Baldy yelled, throwing punches that Angel Dust easily blocked with his many arms. Angel Dust grinned and pulled the trigger several times.

BANG! BANG!

The goon fell backwards, dead.

“Got this one!” Angel Dust laughed in triumph, holding Baldy’s severed head, black demon blood spilling out. He dodged more of Gus’ attacks.

“Come on, Niffty!” Vaggie called, as Niffty briefly enjoyed the black bloodbath. Vaggie picked up Niffty and carried her along. Several demons peered from the buidings to watch the fight. Baxter pleaded with a grubby demon shopkeeper for a bottle of water. The demon grinned evilly, pointing to the very expensive $66.00 souls price. Baxter cried out in desperation. He then saw the Hazbin crew through his blurry eyes.

Husk and Charlie stood facing Gus in a Western staredown. Tumbleweed rolled off to the side.

“This is the end for you, circus freaks!” Gus cackled as townspeople cornered the Hazbins from behind. “As you roll in your graves, I’ll be mighty rich! Hahahahaha!”

Gus then paused, eyes wide as a dart with cactus juice stuck out of his neck. His eyes swirled with hypnotic colors and he swayed. “Cactus juice sure is quenchy! It Haz-bin quite a day!”

Baxter held his dart gun proudly with shaking hands. “Gute nacht, asshole!”

Gus giggled like a child and blurted out a series of puns. “Where do sheep go to eat in Hell? The Muttony Ring! What do cowboys from the Envy Ring ride? Leviathan sea horses. I heard of an equine who creates universes out of thread: SpindleHorse! Who’s the main villain in this world? No one Roo need to know about! You could call Adam’s female warriors his Ex-whore-cists! Charlie says her rival’s real last name is Von Elderbitch. What do assassin imps say when they use the bathroom? I. M. Peeing now!”

“This is gettin’ old,” Angel Dust sighed as he fired the fatal blow into Gus’ stomach.

“Fuck…yourself…you’d enjoy that…” Gus sputtered, eyes bulging from his face as he wheezed his last pun. He collapsed dead onto the sand in a pool of black blood.

Around the same time, Baxter promptly collapsed from dehydration. Charlie rushed over in fear. “Baxter!”

“Get him some water,” said Vaggie.

Before anyone could react, the last two robot minions opened up their center hatches, pouring water onto Baxter’s face. Baxter groaned, eyes fluttering, lips drinking up the water.

Charlie sadly looked at the pufferfish from the robots that soon gasped and died on the hot sand.

“Those minions saved his life,” Charlie breathed.

“And we can save his life more if we get outta here, now!” Vaggie called.

“Way ahead of you,” Charlie hollered as she raced over and posed on a skeletal horse. She set the horse free from the rope and steered it toward the group.

“Hop on!”

The group got on, and the skeletal stallion reared its hind legs, galloping back toward the city as the sun set. The horse’s mane and tail glowed in orange and yellow flames. Baxter nearly fell off, but Niffty hoisted him back on.

They managed to reach the hotel before one of Sir Pentious’ cannons accidentally went off, causing the horse to explode in a shower of bones. The crew tumbled down onto the ground in a heap of dust. Charlie helped up Vaggie, Niffty helped carry Baxter, and Angel Dust supported Husk.

“Well, I’mma need a drink after that,” Husk stated.

“Ditto,” agreed Angel Dust.

“So that fishy geek was looking for cactus juice to use as a weapon?” Angel Dust asked, puzzled. “He could’ve used any other drug or made his own.”

“As logical as he says he is, there is no use reasoning with him,” Vaggie responded.

“Oh, I’m just happy to have him back and that we made it in one piece!” Charlie smiled in exhaustion.

“Always the optimist,” Vaggie said with a small smile.

Charlie led the way and opened the double doors. The group froze as they saw Alastor and Sir Pentious sitting straight up in their chairs, smiling nervously. In the background, the Egg Boiz and Alastor’s shadow minions were sparring, yelling, and fighting, creating a chaotic and fiery mess. Alastor snapped his fingers, and everything was instantly repaired. Several Egg Boiz fell and splattered onto the floor. Baxter headed back to his lab for a much-needed watery rejuvenation.

“Someone needs to keep an eye on Baxter,” Charlie mentioned.

“And those two,” Vaggie glared at Sir Pentious and Alastor.

Niffty raised her hand. “I will! I will! I have an eye!”

“No funny business,” Charlie added. “We all need to be wary of his experiments.”

“Oh, look! Lopphiiformes has successfully grown!” Baxter called from down in his lab. His door burst open and a large dark blue sea serpent with many cyan eyes along its body roared, tracking water on the carpeted floor. It had legs like a centipede, five cyan eyes on its face and large fins serving as ears.

“What the fuck is that thing?!” Husk yelled. Charlie screamed.

“New pet!” Niffty cheered.

Klein grinned. “I finally found the Speed-Growth formula you were looking for, Master Baxter! It only took most of a day for it to morph to full-size!”

Alastor made an Egg Boi and another shadow minion vanish in front of the group. Vaggie sighed, her hand on her face as she gawked at Sir Pentious and Alastor and a grinning Baxter from what was left of the lab door. “I don’t even wanna know.”

Baxter posed, holding a smoking glass beaker of green-teal liquid. His face darkened and he chuckled evilly as his cyan eyes and cyan teeth glowed in the darkness.

#hazbinhotel

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