#maybe this is just my depression lol! and I'm just not motivated enough but man. if youre gonna have me on register again all day just let m | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

satoruhour · 6 months

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Helllooo!!!! I hope you're doing well<33 I'm not sure if you're taking requests so this can be taken as a random rant as well. (I'm in my exam week-depressed-stressed era lol) but is it just me Or the animated version of choso and the mans voice actor just doubled his hotness!?? Hence why me is here to ask if you could do a choso street racer au, could be anything from him meeting at a race or him taking them drifting? Idk but I just need more racer choso au's😭😭😭

LUCKY DIME

a/n: oh no my love i hope your exams went well and that you’re resting comfortably now ❤️ OFCCCC i planned to write a racer!choso for so long i just didnt have any motivation / tagging @screampied

wc: 3k

warnings: racer!choso, reader is ‘dating’ a weirdo, fem!reader, threat of sexual assault (from weirdo guy), threatening harm, flashback, unsafe driving tendencies (dont follow them in this fic lol pls drive safely), semi-public sex (parking lot), car sex, slight nipple play, oral (f! receiving) / cunnilingus, fingering, finger sucking, implied multiple rounds and p -> v sex later on, n*sfw under the cut

choso hasn’t always been open about his origins — moving from the shimotsuma district to shibuya just two years ago in need of quick cash to send back to his struggling mother. it was a hard decision on both ends, with his mother advocating more for him to leave for a better life than the one she could offer. he acquiesced with a promise to earn enough to send back to her every month in return for the secret stash she provided for him and that promise meant everything. he was going to get money no matter what.

even if it meant meddling with the local yakuza, doing petty little tasks of collecting money, escorting the people important to the oyabun to their meeting places, being on lookouts while gambling and prostitution happens indoors. choso would never write back to his mother on what he’s been doing to get so much money, but if he’s able to send a hefty amount back to her on every 29th, he’s satisfied.

that is until he’s met with a couple arguing as they walk along the alleyway, creating such a ruckus that choso’s sure they could power the whole of shibuya — well, more of the man, anyways, saying something about racing and cars that he’s not even sure he catches on.

“well, if you just listened to her and opted for a flat-plane rather than use a cross-plane, maybe you wouldn’t have lost the race!” you’re throwing your hands up, struggling to walk behind in these new heels you bought while you navigate the dark alleyway. for a boy who’s expressed interest in you, he wasn’t doing well in trying to keep you one bit. you’d say he’s rather annoyed that you know so much about cars, trying to genuinely help him while he just sees it as attacks.

“yeah, well, if you kept your mouth shut, you wouldn’t have embarrassed me about losing to noritoshi.” you roll your eyes, unaware you’re passing a dangerous area with dangerous activities behind the door choso was guarding, nor do you notice the way the bodyguard perks up at the name of noritoshi, who sounds awfully familiar.

you scoff, “trust me, you embarrassed yourself the moment you tried to challenge the dude,” it was meant to be a harmless comment; noritoshi could never measure up to the famous four, but he practised his drifting hard enough and put in the hard work, stayed humble. he was everything that your “man” wasn’t, and it was only deserved that he didn’t win. ultimately, you didn’t expect much from a man in the illegal racing scene who only cared about who had the nicest engines and paint finishes.

“what’d you say?”

choso keeps a close eye on the both of you.

“it was nothing—” you sigh, reaching out to grab at his arm to get him to stop shouting so loud when you notice the person standing in front of a shady door — twin pigtails hairstyle with a dead look in his eyes and a tattoo across his nose, dressed up in a suit. it was scary enough walking through a dimly-lit alleyway, but your fear heightens when your eyes fall upon the surroundings of ashes of late night campfires, dried blood along the walls, and used condoms on the floor.

“no, no, tell me what you said, just so i know that i heard you right,” your “man” insisted, stepping up so close to you that your nerves were on high alert from the proximity and the possibility of that someone just a few feet away inflicting harm on the both of you.

“it was nothing! i just meant that you didn’t have a chance against noritoshi from the st—” it’s like you hit a sensitive nerve, because the next thing he’s doing is grabbing your wrist and dragging you along, not aware of how choso perks up even more, ready to leave his post. it borderline hurts with the way he grasps at your skin, paired with the discomfort of your heels and outfit, you can’t just wait to get home and rest up.

“ohh, so that’s what you said!” the man continues to tug you, not heeding your pleas for him to stop, “might as well just leave you here with the yakuza to see whether you stand a chance.”

that’s what the man was guarding . . wait.

a shout wretches out of you when you notice there’s no shadows at the door that’s lit simply with fluorescence at the same time the mysterious man has one hand each on your arms.

“who are you—” your “man” has the gall to speak first, shocked at the stronger grip of the other when he tears the fingers away from your wrist before stumbling back. the mysterious guy simply tugs you into his hold, levelling the other with just a stare from his eyes that’s got him babbling and stuttering in fear. you hate to admit that once the man beside you speaks, your body curls into his side — it’s like a smooth cup of coffee that you gravitate towards.

“do you want to repeat what you just said?” choso puts you behind him as he approaches the other, one step taken while the cowering one takes one step back. “because i can always open the door i’m guarding and let them take care of you, instead.”

“t-that wouldn’t be necessary—” he’s adamant on his threatening, taking out a flip phone and dialling numbers one by one, no doubt the number of his boss. he doesn’t even look at you, eyes trained on the pigtailed man as he continues to dial the number and pressing call. if choso’s being honest, he’s about to shit himself just as much, never having called his saiko-komon personally before so he only fakes the number, thanking the heavens that someone somewhere decided to call his boss’ phone just at the same time.

they all hear it, the familiar nokia ringtone from behind the door, but in choso’s ear, all it says is that it’s an invalid number that garners no answer. he talks over the operator’s voice anyway.

“yeah, i need you to take care of this guy. just outside here—” that’s enough for him to go running away, puddles splashing and his voice crying out for civilisation, although you’re not too happy yourself, afraid for your own fate. kept like a pet for the yakuza? made to work for them to pay off this small helping hand? commit—

you sit up from the hood, “you called a fake number?!” it’s hard to say when that fateful meeting turned into this over the past few months, asking choso to recount the night the two of you met out of curiosity when you realise that your yakuza-accountant boyfriend had dialled a fake number the whole time.

“i had just joined! i wasn’t going to phone my boss . .” he sheepishly says with head turned to you, and while you’re giving him brutal smacks on the shoulder (“what! if! he! hadn’t! run! away! were you going to let a phone operator beat him up?”), you’re still thankful he decided to step in at the right time even if his heroic act had been brought down a notch by this revelation.

it’s then that he asks about the whole racing thing you were involved in but you’re taken aback by the fact that he wasn’t going to make you do anything in return. even if the alley had boasted its dubiousness, you realise than the man standing in front of you was not much older than you, a childish sparkle in his eyes when you entertained the question. with a random number in your phone, it was up to you if you wanted to text him, but after a few races, you think that he was just too handsome to pass up.

choso picked up racing and drifting fast, joining your small group of friends of yuji, megumi and nobara who were all rising up the ranks. it was difficult, knowing the famous four, but it didn’t hurt trying to build a reputation in the underground scene. he practised around the docks, crashing into crates, sending the seagulls flying, and almost sending your scrap car over the edge.

“tokyo is pretty at this time of night,” choso mumbles as he sits up, too, liking the way you scooch closer to him on the hood of his 1967 Ford Mustang.

“tokyo is cold, i’m lucky i’m not freezing to death.” you tease him even when you’re wearing his warm jacket, squealing when his cold hands make it under the jacket and your shirt.

“how are you cold, that jacket’s wool!” he nestles his face into your neck, freezing nose touching the skin there and you giggle, trying your best to push him away. choso says that, but he’s happy to see you in his jacket while his arms tingle with both frost and lovesickness. “you’re just extra sensitive to the cold.”

before you can retaliate, though, he’s pulling away from your body heat to look you in the eye; it was a wonder he even got you, a girl who’s just so passionate about cars and who taught him everything he needed to know about it. six months down the road, he’s writing about something other than living paycheck to paycheck again, getting in some extra money from racing as well.

“wanna drive?”

you grin, hopping off his hood before jumping into the car beside him and he only laughs at your enthusiasm, hopping in after you and starting the ignition. you wish it was like this before every race: you beside him in the passenger seat as he gets ready to race against his opponent. the rev of the engine always excites you, knowing you contributed to the many modifications of his Mustang. but choso always says it’s dangerous for you — so you’re left to watch from the sidelines.

but now, as choso drifts down the mountain, you can’t help but stare at him as he changes gears every few seconds, hair blowing everywhere from the wind outside before he reaches the base and races off into the main road. you’re shouting in excitement, music blasting loudly from the cassette player while you dominate the streets at night.

“d’you think i can break 190, sweetheart?”

your jaw drops, “while drifting?” he nods, “you’re insane . . yeah, do it.”

choso’s laughter feels infinitely heavenly, stepping on the accelerator on a fairly empty road. he’s familiar with the traffic of the roads too, so at 4am, it’s basically deserted when he speeds down the gravel while he tries to break the speed limit. you feel on top of the world, a pretty road full of green lights on every turn; there’s a couple of sharp screeches from his tires as he navigates shibuya.

“hear that increased throttle response . .” you whistle when he presses his foot into the accelerator again, Mustang speeding off into the streets while you look over to him: hand holding the stick shift and one hand on the wheel. he’s as pretty as you remember him six months ago and his beauty truly hits you in the moment that you unconsciously rub your thighs together.

“all thanks to you, baby,” feels like the final blow, not knowing the effect he has on you until you’re waiting until he slows down to place your hand atop his on the steering wheel. there he lets you steer where you want to go, face melting into recognition at the place you’re taking him to.

“you’re nasty.” in the abandoned car park, he giggles when you’re shushing him as you make your way to the backseats, levelling him with a stare that begged him to hurry.

“yeah . . whatever, you like it.”

choso grins, switching off the ignition and climbing in after you, making you forget all about the cold season of japan in mere minutes. his lips collide with yours and his body naturally pushes yours to the leather seats, driving you crazy just with his mouth. his hands make quick work of your skimpy outfit, inching past your tight halter top and to your tits. you gasp softly into the kiss.

“may i?” even after all this time, choso still asks for permission, pulling down your top and bra when you nod.

his mouth is both warm and gentle when it meets with your nipple, tongue swirling around the bud and eyes looking up at you just to relish in the hooded lids and soft moans you give him. his free hand fondles your other, squeezing and playing, rolling the bud between his thumb and forefinger.

“just s’soft . . always,” he hums into your chest, kissing you down bit by bit and making you wait for it with each teasing journey he makes. there, he manoeuvres himself onto the floor, kneeling on the carpeted finishing as your knees hook onto each shoulder. the car is filled with your laboured breathing, watching him slowly undo the straps to your uncomfortable heels. it’s excruciatingly slow, pulling at the strings and removing each shoe before his lips leave fire along your shin, up to your thighs and to your pulsing core.

“choso . .” you whine, hips bucking off the leather.

all he does is laugh, hands spreading your legs before he’s licking his lips at the mess you made in your skirt, panties and back of the fabric soaked right through. your boyfriend pulls you forward with a certain fervour that makes you yelp and you match him with a nervous grin as he tugs away the underwear and marvels at the arousal that just sticks to your pussy, pretty and dripping right in front of him.

you have no warning before choso indulges himself in your cunt and you cry out in surprise, hand tangled up in the mess of his hair that falls from his pigtails. his warm tongue laps at your clit like a man starved, slurping up all of your arousal into his tongue. the cold weather is just the cherry on top, cold wind wafting through the walls and the windows, making you extra sensitive.

“c-cho—” you hum, one hand lost in his black locks while the other clutches tightly onto the seats for any sort of anchor while choso only pushes his face further in between your legs. he can feel your pussy clench around nothing, switching between sucking and flicking his tongue with a relentless pace that threatens your sanity. “t-too much . .”

all he does is laugh into your centre, eyes flitting to meet yours while he continues his ministrations, arms wrapping around your thighs. choso moans at how good and sweet you taste, a curious hand moving from your legs right to your hole where he plays with your folds. gently, he pushes past your walls and you whimper from the intrusion, clamping down around his finger.

“relax, darling, i got you,” he softly says, relaxing his pace just a bit as he starts to thrust his finger. while slow, his tongue doesn’t stop, however, still continuing to make the lewdest noises.

“pussy so damn sweet,” he groans, nuzzling his face right into your sloppy core before teasing a second finger; it’s easy to slip in but he still warns you wordlessly, inching them right in until they reach the knuckles, “and so tight, too—”

the car is filled with the smell of sex, the sounds of your pussy and your endless moans as choso starts to pump his fingers in and out, reaching so much deeper than any of your toys can and stretching you out just right. your hips buck uncontrollably as you feel that coil in your stomach, knowing that you were only going to get even more of this before choso properly fucks you — but it’s all he promises, that to make sure you’d cum on his fingers and tongue thrice before he even thinks of railing you like you deserve.

“c-choso, your fingers—!”

“yeah?” it’s breathless, bottom half of his face all soaked and wet, but he goes right back in.

“mmfuck— cho, cho, p-please . .” your words are jumbled up, babbling through your teeth while his fingers gathers all of your juices, “i’m g’nna—”

choso thinks you’re just perfect like this, moaning as much as you want in his Mustang and spread out just for him to eat. he cannot keep his eyes off you, curling his fingers just a bit to find your sweet spot as he flicks your bundle of nerves as his eyes stay on the way your lips part for little pants to escape. your eyes have fluttered close by now but he doesn’t mind as you continue to push his head towards your cunt.

“cum on my fingers, my love,” the other groans, words muffled a little, “cum on my tongue like a good girl.”

“cho— f-fuuck . .” you writhe around on the leather seats as you reach your peak, voice descending into a silent scream while your jaw hangs open. at his peripheral he can see and feel your thighs tremble while you chant his name like a prayer, over and over until you think your voice is hoarse. his seats are wet, no doubt, and you wince seeing your cum decorate the leather, but choso quietens your worries as he leans up to give you a kiss. you can taste yourself.

“taste good?” you’re ruined despite it being your first orgasm, answering half-heartedly before slumping, a soft moan leaving you when he removes his fingers and strings of your arousal stick to each digit. his hand naturally gravitates towards your mouth, fumbling with your lips before he pushes in — distracted, he takes the opportunity to latch his mouth onto your cunt again and you mewl loudly.

“that’s just the start,” choso grins, laying a long stripe up your pussy and groaning softly at the way your tongue swirls over his fingers, “i’m sorry in advance . . hope you’re able to get out of bed tomorrow, baby.”

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thosewildcharms · 2 months

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Just broke my own heart thinking about Rick being absent for Lori’s pregnancy with Judith since he was, understandably, emotionally checked out AND being completely absent with Michonne’s for RJ and how he missed welcoming them both into the world, plus not seeing them grow up as he said, for a man that only cares about his family he must carry so much guilt over that or feel cursed… also thought about Michonne probably being extremely anxious when RJ turned the age Andre was when he died and she had no one to talk to about it. Thinking about her having to deal with it all while being a grieving single mother of 2 leading a community also made me sad. lol I know they’re both resilient fighters but damn all of that is so heavy! I’m so happy they’re all back together now and can start some healing

ANON BESTIE WHAT THE FUCK?

well okay sure. let's be depressing for a bit but then we should go back to grimes family headcanons okay?

it's honestly so tragic that rick was not able to see the birth of the child he wanted so badly, that he didn't even know RJ existed for almost a decade. the length of that time jump is honestly so evil - like yes, on one level it heightens the intensity of their bond, the way that they never even considered anyone else over all those years and stayed completely in love throughout that absence and distance. but god, it's just a really fucking long time. it's devastating!

it's also why I love that scene in the towl finale where rick expresses how angry he is about it, how just for a minute he lets himself say out loud that he just wants to be selfish for once and say fuck it let's go home, because he doesn't want to miss any more time than he already has. i also love the way andy played the reunion with judith and rj: the quiet grief in his face because he's mourning the time lost even while they're right in front of him, maybe even more so. like, of course he was distraught over how much he missed. this man held a shard of glass to his neck when he truly thought he could never see his family again (which i think we moved on from a bit too quickly tbh). his love for his family is his motivation for everything. keeping him away from them is the worst thing you could do to him, which is btw is why i'm not mad okafor is dead.

as for michonne. well my god anon did you have to go there with that andre/rj thing? i mean, yes you're absolutely right and you're completely brilliant but jfc that hurt. i honestly can't even think about those six years michonne spent grieving rick and raising their kids and protecting that community and getting that scar and everything else without getting upset. i genuinely hate it so much. i'm also constantly thinking about the scene where she finds evidence that rick is alive, the specific way her face contorts as she holds that phone like she's scared to even dare to hope, even though she never fully believed he was gone in the first place. we already saw how much she was struggling but that scene makes me want to set myself on fire. it's all just so fucking sad.

so yes. they better be left alone to heal in peace forever no more Situations no more near death experiences no more wars or fascist megalomaniacs with armies to overthrow. they've done enough!

#richonne #the ones who live #side note anon:#i'm a bit confused about what you mean by rick being absent for judith's birth because he was emotionally distant #like yes he was obviously but am i remembering incorrectly or did lori give birth unexpectedly while the prison was under attack?#like i thought he was straight up just unaware it was even happening. i like to think he would have been there if he knew/was able #but maybe i'm giving him too much credit lol #or am i just being obtuse and that's exactly what you're mean by him feeling cursed? because he missed both due to ~circumstances?#not arguing with you btw because i agree either way he's prone to emotionally self-flagellating i'm just wondering if i'm missing something

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skitskatdacat63 · 3 months

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Mark Alan, Count of Queanbeyan

+ explanation & lore

Okay first I'll explain the drawing itself, and then go into Mark's lore a bit, so stay with me!!!

First of all, yep. Mark with long hair. When I first conceptualized how he'd look in this au, I just genuinely could not imagine him with the typical long curly wig. And that irked me, bcs its just sooooooo historically inaccurate for him to have had short hair, no wig. I sketched him and Jense out as chibis, I drew Mark with short hair, and literally wrote "haha wow he looks so bad with long hair!!" Hello, can I take back that statement? It's actually shocking how good he looks???? Maybe it's a testament to my skill that I could make this work. But I did! And man, shameful to admit, but this might be my best portrait ever 😭😭 Funny tho, guy I've barely drawn, and never as detailed as this, ends up being one of my favs. Mark, you bastard!!

^ lmao as you can see, I tried out a more Seb type wig and then realized ahhhhh nah, he needs a different style. And it worked so, yay!!! I've thought a lot recently, "man it would suck back then if you looked shitty in a wig" and I rescind that. I'm telling you, you think a man would look bad in a wig? I say think again, you're just not conceptualizing the right type of wig for him.

Also wow, its crazy thst I can finally actually visually see what he would look like next to others like Seb and Fernando in this au. Hehehe look at them!!! The boys!!!! Just need Jense :,)

Anyways, I digress, some lore notes about Mark since I don't think I've really talked about him in this au on main much.

He is, of course, Seb's closest servant. His Groom of the Bedchamber(yes that term makes me feel rabid.) He's actually also based on a real guy, whom was described as the Emperor's "favorite" and despite not technically having very important positions, he had a lot of influence because of his closeness and connection with the Emperor. So, yeah, I think that's gives a pretty good pic of Mark in this au :)

He's actually pretty satisfied with his role, but he does feel a bitter and jealous when interacting with others like Jenson and Fernando. Because Mark doesn't have a title, well not in the same way. He's a count, not a King, not a Prince. Yes he's nobility, but not in the same way. And he's satisfied being under Seb, because that's what Mark was raised to do, take care of and keep Seb in line. But often realizes he's never going to be on par with him, not in the same way Fernando can, even if he's Seb's closest confidant.

To build on that. He's very satisfied with his role, and even continues to be satisfied when Fernando comes into the picture. Fernando and Seb don't get along, Mark is always going to be the closest to Seb, always going to know him the best, take care of him the best. But he realizes, he would never get to marry Seb, he's not ranked high enough for that. He was raised to do what's best for the Emperor, he's never going to be able to compete with Seb the same way Fernando can. He really wants Seb and Fernando to succeed! To grow closer! But it still really hurts sometimes.

His closest friend, other than Seb, is Jenson of course(and eventually Fernando, after they stop growling at each other like they're Seb's dogs.) But he does get bitter about Jenson sometimes. Jenson is a prince, who had some great performances in battle. But eventually got tired of that lifestyle, and "retired" to being part of Seb's court. Mark can't really understand that. How do you throw that level of prestige and freedom away. How do you just become the Emperor's servant, when that was never what you were born for. But also, I think Jense definitely uplifts him, they just get along so well, and Jense truly cares for him, no other motives :)

LOL sorry I realize how depressing this sounds 😭 I think all of the above is just Mark at his most bitter, but he's genuinely pretty happy. Think of the whole "not bad for a number 2 driver thing", that's him in this AU. He knows his station, and god damn it, he's gonna be the best, most loyal groom there ever was!! He just cares for Seb so deeply, and it truly is his life path to serve him. Seb cares for him too, feels like he can always rely on him and always be reassured by him and his eternal presence in Seb's life. It's nice to have someone you can always fall back on. Sometimes literally. Yes he makes Mark carry him to bed.

Not to stray away from just Mark, but aaaaahhh the Martian in this AU. Just Mark having to put up with Seb's brattiness all the time, and care for him all the time :) He's so tired of catching Seb naked tho...Seb please put clothes on, this is not befitting of your station. Seb takes Mark with him everywhere, and they share the same bed on trips. Mark is always the first Seb goes to to ask his opinion. I said earlier that Mark feels like he cannot challenge Seb in the same way Fernando can, but Seb really wants him to honestly! He loves hearing Mark's thoughts and opinions. Mark is widely known as Seb's favorite, and is often seen as the second authority in the palace and in the court.

As for Webbonso? I think they really dislike each other in the beginning just because the roles that they're in. They both feel like they're pitted against each other, and ir doesn't help that Seb loves to tease them and often favor one in front of the other(he later realizes how shitty this is, and tries to rectify it, because he never intended to make them actually jealous, he just loves being bratty.) Eventually they realize they're in extremely similar situations(both beholden to and stuck eternally with the Emperor), and find comfort in each other in that.

Yep that's right...the palace is honestly one big polycule djkfkglg. But I hope thay explains Mark in this AU well enougg???? All you need to know: Seb's long-suffering servant.

#heres mark in a wig. if thats your thing! a thing that. no one asked for :)#BUT WAAAAAHHHHH MAN IM SO PROUD OF THIS HONESTLY #how the fuck does he look so handsome???????#i never in a million years thought this wouldve worked. but yep! it does!#but i will say. bro looks like he should be on a dollar bill dhfkkglv #okay anyways yes i understand that this is extremely niche and very confusing to anyone outside my circle #but i hope you like it even if not????? im super proud of this one 🤭🤭#my first time rly drawing him honestly. every other time has been chibis or an obstructed view #BUT THIS. THREW MYSELF INTO THE DEEP END. and i didn't drown!#gotta draw jense next. and his silly bicorn hat. cause hes that kinda guy #i was gonna put mark and jense together. but man i hate keeping art to myself that i finished already #im proud of it! must click post! no hoarding!! or ill never post it lol #aaaahh man im getting drawing men im surprised #im so happy w his expression. w his squiggly eyebrows. he looks very introspective #f1 #formula 1 #mark webber #boy king au #catie.rambling.txt #catie.art.#*sometimes I realize. man if i just took away the historical clothing and wigs and stuff #my art would have such a wider appeal 😭😭#but then i realize. nah i dont give a shit. i draw what i want!!! and you guys will take 1700s Mark and you will LIKE IT

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slasher-male-wife · 11 months

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To, I was wondering if you could write a FTM reader x Rick grimes where the reader is really exhausted and depressed and doesn't have motivation for anything and Rick helps him?

I'd love to write this for you. I haven't been watching TWD as much recently so forgive me if this is out of character. I'm also still on season three. But I love writing gay things for y'all. This is also set in the after the prison and in a random location because I don't know where they went after that lol even though I'm decently into season four. Can be read as romantic or platonic.

I do care: Rick Grimes x ftm reader

Warnings: Vague descriptions of readers body, mention of top surgery scars, depressed reader, Rick tries his best, Rick helps reader shower in a non-sexual way

It's been becoming clearer and clearer that you're not doing well mentally. A month ago you were barely able to help out around camp, but now all you can manage to do is stay in bed, and maybe go to the bathroom if you can gather enough energy. Now that you're staying at a farm house it's very clear you're not doing well.

Rick noticed how you've been declining mentally over the past month. When he was a cop he had to do wellness checks and he can see those symptoms in you too. So when he got up extra early one day and found you still awake he knew he had to do something to help you. He pushes your 'bedroom' door open further and walks in.

"Hey uh Y/N. I need to talk to you," He says. You look over at him from where you're laying but you can't bring yourself to sit up, "I've noticed you've been acting like this for awhile and I wanted to know what's going on," Rick takes a seat by your bed and looks up at you, "Is it that uh, feeling you get sometimes where you don't feel man enough?" You'd laugh at his words if you weren't so exhausted.

"I feel man enough Rick. I just can't get myself out of bed right now. If you want to feed me to the walker outside go ahead." You mumble. Rick stiffens and quickly gets closer to you.

"I'd never do that. I'd also never let you die on my watch. Has someone suggested that's gonna happen to you?" He asks, his tone coming off more aggressive than it is comforting. You shake your head.

"No one said that to me. But I know y'all are thinking about it. I mean why not. I'm a burden right now anyway. Why not do it?" Rick runs a hand over his mouth and sighs.

"I'm not going to let you die. I'm also not going to let you waste away in bed anymore. When was the last time you showered?" He asks, his tone still more aggressive than it is comforting. You shrug.

"I don't know, probably a few weeks ago," You say. Rick stands up and holds out his hand for you, "You're trying to get me to shower?" You ask, looking up at him.

"I'm going to make you shower, even if I have to stand behind you and keep you upright. Now make this easy on me." You sigh and slowly sit up. Rick watches carefully and makes sure once you're up, you'll stay up. Once you're sitting up, Rick pulls you up to your feet and lets you lean against him as he walks you to the bathroom.

"Rick we need to save the water we have. I know there's that well pump outside but showering shouldn't take priority." You say and he sits you down on the sink counter.

"I want you to shower because you're starting to smell like a damn walker. Doesn't help you have all that dried blood on you." He says. You sigh in defeat.

"Fine. If you insist on getting me clean I'll shower." You say. Rick smiles and grabs some soap and turns on the shower head. You take off your shirt and start to undo your pants. You notice Rick staring at your top surgery scars.

"I told you about them before Rick. They're just surgery scars," You say, slipping off your shoes and pants. You feel the water and quickly tell you can't wash your body fully. You look back to Rick and he seems to understand what's going on, "Can you help me?"

"Of course I can. Just tell me where I should wash." He says, taking his shirt off and tossing it aside to keep it dry. You slip off your boxers and manage to keep yourself standing.

"Upper body is fine. I can do my lower half if you help me stand," You hold your arms up and stand under the water, letting it wash over your hair and body. Rick starts to wash the soap over your arms, avoiding looking down at you, "You don't have to try to hard to ignore my body. I've already done enough of that for a lifetime." You chuckle. Rick smiles slightly and moves over to your other arm.

He washes over the rest of your upper body, being more careful around your scars, making you chuckle again. He eventually hands you the soap and hold one of your hands.

"I'll uh, help you stay standing." He says, looking away from you as you start to wash off your lower half. Rick keeps his eyes off of you the entire time until you turn off the water. He hands you a towel and you wrap it around your hips.

"Thank you Rick. Now I can go sit in my bed again but this time I'll be clean." You joke.

"No. I actually wanted to take you to go eat something since you haven't been eating much at all." He says. Still holding your hand he walks you back into a bedroom and starts digging through some clothes.

"I thought me not eating was a good thing. We need to ration some food." You say, taking some boxers Rick hands you.

"Carl and Deshawn went out and got more food. Enough for you to eat a small meal. Don't fight me on this or I will force feed you." He says in the tone of a joke, but there's an air of seriousness to it. He hands you some jeans and you put them on too.

"You're really set on me not dying huh?" You joke back as Rick hands you more clothes. You pull on a shirt and flannel. Rick adds a belt with an empty gun holster, socks, and your old shoes.

"I am. Now you'll get your knife back after you eat something," He says. Helping you up from the bed and walking you downstairs, to the kitchen. He sits you down at the table and gives you a water bottle with lots of dust on the outside and an opened can of fruit cocktail and three fried pieces of spam. You look down at the food and he hands you a fork, "You're not leaving this table until you eat at least half of that."

"Alright Rick," You say, picking up the spam and taking a bite out of it. You eat in silence for a couple minutes until you feel it start to become awkward, "Why do you care so much about me?" You ask, opening your water bottle.

"Is there something wrong with caring about you?" He asks. You shake your head and take a sip.

"I just haven't been here as long as everyone else and you didn't have to take me in. You don't have to care about me."

"But I do, and I will."

"Thank you Rick." You say before you start eating again.

#rick grimes x reader #rick grimes x y/n #rick grimes x you

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the-technorats · 30 days

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3, 5, and 7 for the writing asks :)

!! thanks for the question!! :D

What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

man, i feel like i don't have a good answer for these first two but i'll yap about it anyway. i think maybe because i'm still learning and figuring myself out as a artist/writer in general, i don't have too many specific behaviors engrained? i'm pretty bad at getting started at writing things so clearly i haven't found the ritual that just gets me in the zone. also, with my depression, it gets hard to self-motivate to do things - often times i need external pressure/reinforcement (ideally positive, but, yknow. negative also works lol) to really get moving since it's easier to do things for others (or the idea of a general audience/'s enjoyment/validation) than find reason to do things for myself.

some preferences i do have include: having tea (jasmine and earl grey are some favorites), having a candle lit, writing at dusk/night. and then often times i reread old stuff i've written/posted to remind myself that i'm capable lol. after that, i just have to bully myself to get the ball rolling. the blank page really fucks with my head, enough so that i can't even make a new document to write my notes, i have to put them in my notes app or in the discord server i have with myself because it tricks me into thinking the stakes are way lower than i've convinced myself they are. (this is, ofc, on the occasion that i even have notes at all, which i often don't.)

something else i've found that unfortunately works for me is making writing the lesser of two evils; writing is one of those things that i love doing but never opt to do even though i want to? i wish i did? i hate it i dont know. even now, i'm writing this because i don't want to be writing an academic paper. i find it a lot easier to write fic/tion or other leisure types of writing when my alternative is doing something way more dreadful.

Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

honestly, i don't have a good answer for this one either. i wish i had a more glamorous writer lifestyle than my run-of-the-mill "start two days before it's due" or "hammer out two pages and then abandon the idea for two years" process. i feel like all of my writing habits are purely logistical and not spiritual. (maybe i should try and be more spiritual about it? i'd try anything to make writing an easier process but i also think i have a sort of house m.d. mentality about suffering and artistic process and whatnot.)

the only thing i can think of is that i can only look back and edit a few paragraphs behind my current progress. i can't go all the way back to the beginning and reread until the first draft is finished. if i realize a continuity error at the current point that would warrant needing to go way back, i still can't edit it, i have to leave myself a comment. only once i officially proofread/do a second draft can i touch any of the earlier stuff. again, though, this seems almost entirely logistical; i just know if i go back to reread, the rest will never get written. (tangent note: i have a friend who makes a new document for every draft. i don't know if that's normal? maybe like using layers for digital art? but i definitely don't do that. the doc i start in is the doc i paste my notes in is the doc my final draft is in)

also, once i post something/deem it finished, i will never edit the google doc again. i just believe in like, the sanctity of the way i chose to write something as the me i was at that point in time, including the font, grammar, cringiness, etc. (and i also like how google puts the timestamp of "last edited on [x]." if i edit it again, that timestamp won't be true to when the writing was finished.) this one's still not exactly superstitious, it's just like. you wouldn't go back to your childhood drawings and make edits.

What is your deepest joy about writing?

all of the typical artist shit rings true, of course - materializing something that didn't exist before; being able to create something that others can connect with; of course being a part of communities that share my interests and obsessions and nerdiness and insanity. the most indulgent part of it is the part where i get to play god in my own little head, projecting all of my emotional inner workings onto a character and getting to therapize them via their environment. allowing the things that depress or upset me to receive comfort and gentleness and understanding and all of the things i don't think i deserve when they're in my head.

and of course, writing is one of those things, like art, like any form of just - physically making marks - that is so innate. like how beautiful is that, that since the beginning of time one of the things we've always done is depict. illustrate. we just want to understand things. weather and outer space and the elements and animals and human nature. we sang songs to remember epics before we ever wrote them down. and god, damn, fuck its just one of those things that fucking gets me, deep down, that i'm just human and part of humankind and no different than anyone else has ever been, in a good way. that someone will sing the epic to me and i will sing it to someone else and i don't have to do some monumental thing to have a purpose; i can just pass on one more story.

#writing #thoughts #ask #<3 #i've been so busy catching up on schoolwork #i've been meaning to finish writing this for so long #thank you for asking!

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bldcatlog · 1 month

Text

Holy fuck that stats exam. Wallahi im finished. LOL I hope I pass that shit man. But I'm finally free now I get to do the things I've been postponing for so long + seasonal depression is going away.

I think I have plans to get the "Hi my name is" Stickers to do a montage shot for bold catalogue. (But they come in packs of like 400? I think they'll be fun to bring to a party / get together) I want to make 2 more denim jeans. At least a couple basic tees/mockneck tees/ compression t-shirt turtle necks. Maybe work on some other things like hats aswell, I saw these cool hats that were almost repurposed and up cycled looking? They looked so cool. I plan on writing some more for bold catalogue and plan out some more concept visual ideas. Aswell as work on the animation short film --> which is sort of a culmination of everything this year has brought.

Yesterday, I went to break dance with Fran instead of studying. I should've studied!!! But I think I genuinely enjoy the 1 on 1 conversations I have with Fran. They're raw and authentic -- no sugar coats and we both just say what's been on our mind. I hated the sugarcoating people do and much rather someone be genuine. I hate sugarcoating and faking shit aswell! I always knew being genuine was a massive aspect of my life.

I hope we get this house Southside and I get the basement suite. god please let me live a life of bringing friends over and cooking and spending time with the people I love. Please!

I made a group with Aaron, Kishan, Cole and Liam for the Ronald mcodnald home cooked meal volunteering. I wonder how that'll mesh HAHAHA They have no idea who each other are and I wonder if I'm good enough to be that mediator. I hope everyone's silliness is a common ground. Cole's first thought to send n the gc was about McDonalds sex trafficking. Wallahi I'm finished.

I plan on going to Olive Garden with my co workers tomorrow, they are cool people I've just never thought of hanging out with them outside of work? They're all around the same age as me and I fuck with them heavy! Usually.

I gotta hit up Aaron and we need to make a game demo for this summer. I need to make my projects aswell. But my project will take fucking forever and so much math will be involved oh my god.

I gotta keep contact with the friends I made. I should definitely hit up Josh and them! I know they wanted to hangout every time I've met them and seen them. I'll for sure reach out at some point.

Gotta keep in contact with my physics group aswell.

I want to participate in a break dance 1 on 1 amateur competition. I bet that would be so fun as fuck.

I need to do charity work aswell. It'll do me good. Higher spirits == better motivation.

I should definitely hit up Lachlan aswell and plan at least a hangout with him.

Gotta keep in contact with Kaz, Aaron, Tal, David. That's my physics group!

Talking to Fran and saying how he wants to go back to school to meet new friends is actually very real. I felt that I've met plenty of people that I genuinely enjoy being around and I hope all my friends have the same feelings aswell. Hopefully when Fran does go back to school he'll meet new friends he'd enjoy being with. Because I was in a situation like him last year! Just work, girlfriend and like 3 friends. It was nice! But, I can see why he wishes to branch out more aswell. I hope the best for these people I've met and hold them dear.

I really enjoyed the way I looked today and my outfit. I will definitely be wearing it again !! Got my eyebrows threaded and I feel like I look so much more put together now HAHA. Denim jeans, White knit sweater, Doc martins, styled hair with a side bag. Supar slay.

Plans:

Banff, Gokarting, Paintballing, Hiking, Roadtrip, cooking, guitar, sewing, coding, sculpting, pottery, ceramics, break dancing, visual design, bold catalogue, seeing friends, meeting new friends, photography, Brazilian jiu jitsu, work out,

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goodmorrowing · 1 month

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Ttpd review?

NEW FAVORITE. may i present to you: meg's official ttpd ranking!

the tortured poets department. 138439343843/10 this song SPOKE TO ME. the bridge??!?!!?!?! as a habitual ring wearer it changed my life. this is like. life changing for me. i've listened 200+ times already. if i were still in college i'd write an essay about it. tbh i might still. i'm not even kidding. + lucy dacus mention!

the black dog. 10000000/10. the structure of this song is so pleasing to me and also the lyrics KILL ME. "i just don't understand how you don't miss me in the shower / and remember how my rain-soaked body was shaking / do you hate me?" ????!!! "I HOPE IT'S SHITTY IN THE BLACK DOG."

guilty as sin. 10/10 self explanatory. this is a BANGER and also? like? i love it i can't i vibe undeniably.

i can do it with a broken heart. 10/10. lyrics are tragic. beat is immaculate. feels like exactly how i have felt for the last few months! i feel very heard and seen! and am thankful i can bop to my depression! lights! camera! bitch! smile!!!

the alchemy. 10/10. i love a good trav song. and it's so catchy??? like yes please when i touch down call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team. the football references are peak. tbh i realllyyyy wanted the alchemy to be about joe (because of gold rush ofc) but i wasn't disappointed by this at alllll.

the smallest man who ever lived. 9.5/10. makes me cry! actually reminds me of my college ex... the parallels between this song and our relationship are kind of insane. also the bridge. without being too too personal, i was constantly paranoid in that relationship for several reasons and often felt like he maybe had an ulterior motive that involved ruining my reputation/hurting me for the pleasure of people who disliked me. which is kinda crazy but was a vvv real fear for me at the time. and this song gets it!

who's afraid of little old me? 9/10. high school meg would have loved this one. "you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me" lol. also sidenote having all my teeth pulled was a recurring childhood nightmare i had!

down bad. 9/10 yeah sounds about right. fuck it if i can't have [her]! (funnily enough She & I were discussing it when it came out and she was like "fuck it if i can't have you... i mean him" and we had The Smirk Moment)

so long, london. 9/10. perfectly describes everything i've been feeling recently (so long [boston] lmao). gets a point knocked because i can't listen unless i want to cry! this song was everything i couldn't say. :) + the peace parallels? crazy.

thanK you aIMee. 9/10. this one gets a 9/10 just for the sheer pettiness. FUC(K) YOU A(IM)EE. + andrea mention!

how did it end? 8.5/10. i sob. every time. without fail. just! the death! the dying! (it did not end well.)

the bolter. 8/10. another little meg song. she did a lotta running. this song is about idina sackville but i feel it in my SOUL. all her fucking lives flashed before her eyessssssssssssssssssssss!

but daddy i love him. 8.5/10. lowkey SO FUN and i love it! there is a field not far from me with lots of flowers and i take a bunch of zyrtec and put on a pretty dress and just go sit there for a few hours on weekends. i love it.

loml. 8/10. this song makes me sob. love of my life to loss of my life. lmao this album came at the PERFECT TIME. i needed it. "you shit talked me under the table talking rings and talking cradles i wish i could unrecall how we almost had it all" !!!! "WHEN YOUR IMPRESSIONIST PAINTINGS OF HEAVEN TURNED OUT TO BE FAKES WELL YOU TOOK ME TO HELL TOO". anyways.

the manuscript. 8/10. yeah this sounds like a little meg song. and also a college meg song (who struggled through being a writer and heartbroken and lovestruck). and a current meg song (who rereads her manuscripts and wonders whose life she is seeing). "he said if the sex was half as good as the conversation was soon they'd be pushing strollers". :') rip.

my boy only breaks his favorite toys. 8/10. it's a bop! i get it!

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus. 8/10. when i listen to this one i kinda just sit there and zone out for a while. it's a moment. i can't listen while driving because i'd crash. but i feel this song on a spiritual level.

fresh out the slammer. 8/10. hehehe i like this song. i don't have a whole lot to say about it except i really like how consistent it is and also how it is Moving On.

robin. 8/10. this song is so sweet and so sad. i'd sing this to my children. i wish i'd heard this when i was a child. it heals some part of me? tbh?

imgonnagetyouback. 7.5/10. this is indeed the kind of psycho we love. imnotgonnagetyouback but it's okay! i will still listen and vibe! #supportingwomen

so high school. 7.5/10. look okay it's silly and it gets shitted on but i like it. it's adolescent and fun and hahahah i like itttt. truth??? dare?????? spin bottles?????? YOU KNOW HOW TO BALL I KNOW ARISTOTLE!!!! brand new! full throttle! TOUCH ME WHILE YOUR BROS PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO. taylor is CRAZY for that and i love it for her. also the scouts honor line is WILD.

cassandra. 7.5/10. i love this song. i understand what they mean. poor cassandra. this is mad woman's older sister. i get it. women! women women!

the albatross. 7/10. i like this song but the albatross metaphor is one i am Too Familiar With. "cross your thoughtless heart / only liquor anoints you" is kinda genius though!

florida!!! 7/10. maybe this is just my florida hatred showing through or maybe i'm just not super into it yet. it comes above fortnight because of florence welch though. <3

fortnight. 7/10. i found it? kind of mid? still good but the lack of post malone and inherent appeal to mainstream pop media sold it for me. :( music video was immaculate though!

i can fix him (no really i can). 7/10. again, reminds me of little meg but in kind of a painful way. also.... she could not fix him lol. she could not fix any of them for that matter.

peter. 7/10. this one is kinda bittersweet. i enjoy this song but it's got that blue tinge to it. "never to keep"

i look in people's windows. 7/10. more supporting of women! taylor.... you're crazy. i love you. you are kind of a deranged weirdo, but it's okay. personally you could not pay me to admit to stalking people but i love that you do!

i hate it here. 6.5/10. ngl the beginning slaps and i like some of the lines but the song is erratic? i did not grow up precocious (i don't think) but i was hyperlexic and did read a lot. this one just didn't hit like i thought it would as a chronic reader. :(

clara bow. 6/10. i love clara bow and stevie nicks and taylor swift and i understand the importance of this song! i just can't get into it right now :(

the prophecy. 6/10. i don't know why i can't get behind this one! i want to so badly! i just can't!!!!

overall: 1029302848/10. this album was life changing and arrived just when i needed it. i love it.

#ttpd #taylor swift

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aerltarg · 3 years

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Maybe this is a stupid question, buuuuut:

I just can't imagine a world that Rhaegar comes back from the Trident, wins the war and becomes king. No, I'm not a anti Rhaegar, matter of fact I like him very much, I'm just can imagine how would Lya, little Jon, this whole affair, would settle in the capital. The norm that fics (at least those I read) tend to follow is to make Rhaegar:

1. A douche, paranoid and destiny-obessed king.

2. Completely incompetent, aloof monarch, that deep down has a heart of gold, but can't really be understood.

I mean, isn't he supposed to be a scholar since he was a kid? What's are your thoughts about it?

oh, yeah, i can totally understand this! it's is the whole point in canon actually, "the wrong man came back from the trident". you would expect a hero win against his antagonist and have a happy ending w his lady love but it doesn't happen. instead the subversion happens to them with rhaegar being killed by robert who becomes obviously a shitty king and lyanna dying after him. they were never supposed to have happy ending, they were created as tragic and doomed and dead from the beginning for the whole plot to start, jon to have his parentage mystery and dany to take the passed baton as the last dragon, prophesied savoir and the heir who has to carry entire house on her back now.

as for the realistic rhaegar wins aus that's the difficult question. tbh we just don't know enough abt their situation, plans and wishes. you see, e.g. in agot we can be right in ned's head and see his motivations, what he was thinking abt, what he was planning, what he was hoping to do. but if his story was told the way rhaegar's was i bet he would have his own crowd of haters and ~intellectuals~ jumping out every two seconds w their "hot takes" how actually all hints abt what rlly happened (ned being a good man w his own sense of honour, justice and experiences affecting him and the deal w cersei's children) doesn't matter and he was an ambitious prick, planned to grasp the power by being joffrey's regent and make his daughter sansa queen. (you can actually insert there any bullshit and still don't reach the level of stupidity of such "hot takes" this fandom loves so much lmao). also he would be blamed to the hell and beyond for being too stupid and not foreseeing the future and actions of other ppl bc ofc after everything happened it's so easy to say what was so obvious to notice. also they would say that the deaths of his men and horrible fates of his kids are 100% his fault and even straight up say he killed them lmao. i can rant abt it for hours so yeah. this is a situation w too many unknown variables bc it depends too much on actions of too many characters we don't know enough abt. the only thing it's possible to tell for sure is the fact that there couldn't be any perfect solutions since things got too complicated at this point.

such fics as you've mentioned tho are just a part of this dumb fanon where rhaegar is "too prophecy obsessed"/"incapable of love"/shrodinger's rhaegar both smart and stupid at the same time/whatever/all of this combined lmfao. the man was notably intelligent from the early age as you've absolutely rightly mentioned, his guesses abt himself being tptwp have nothing to do w egocentrism as some parts of the fandom would want us all to believe unless he wouldn't be so reasonable abt it and later on, after so many years, wouldn't have changed his mind and thought his son could be tptwp.

and literally fuck all antis that think you shouldn't consider prophecies that hold real power in this fantasy world lol. you know, aegon the conqueror was said to be motivated (or at least partly) to unify westeros by the prophecy and still got the treatment of perfect/maximum close to perfect figure of a leader everyone should look up to from the narrative and grrm. prophecy obsessed much, huh? i don't even talk abt all these parallels between him and rhaegar grrm put there not for bitches to ignore them completely! and i will never get tired of reminding that dismissing prophecies is UNWISE for targaryens of all people. the house whose story is built on the dream of young daenys and her father aenar that listened to her despite common sense (or what local "anti magic"/"anti prophecies" clowns consider to be common sense). targs would be as dead as the rest of dragonlords if not for daenys the dreamer. who else in the world has as many reasons to take prophecies seriously as them?

yet antis out there act as if rhaegar is one dimensional weirdo whose every character trait is abt mf ~prophecy obsession~. like how can they miss one of the main points so badly?? the game of thrones distracts ppl from the real danger beyond the wall, yk, the one rhaegar was aware of and meant to deal with. there wouldn't be such a problem if he became king and had as many years of head start before ice zombies apocalypse as ignorant bobby b did. rhaegar had to die just for westeros to sink in shit and our main heroes to save everyone to make this story more epic LMAO

so yeah, too many ppl portray rhaegar as this one dimensional robotic creature without any knowledge of what feelings are idk even for what reason. it seems these ppl can't read for real bc rhaegar was not only intelligent af as well as dutiful ("it seems i must be a warrior" but "he loved his harp more than his lance") but also. ugh emotional?? my boy had constant emo sessions w brooding at ruins of summerhall, sleeping out there beneath the stars all alone and writing songs that made all women cry. does it sound as someone who "isn't capable of love" lol? folks act as if he was completely heartless from the day he was born (bc he didnt play w other kids ig??) but in reality their emotional range is less than the one of a spoon in comparison to rhaegar's lol. i'm not even gonna address the horrible attitude of demonizing him for his implied depression, vile clowns never listen to themselves when they talk abt targaryens and their "madness".

tldr; these fics are mostly lame af and suck at characterization if they're making rhaegar like that lol. anyway his character isn't abt being a good or a bad king, it's abt being a would-be-king for characters in books and readers in reality to sigh over his tragic aura and pretty aesthetic abt how it could've been. however, grrm clearly doesn't write rhaegar as evil or incapable as some parts of the fandom would want to try to persuade others. realistically speaking in the scenario where he wins there couldn't be any perfect decisions but it's a territory of speculations on thin air and lit nothing more since canon doesn't provide us with enough information to rlly theorize anything instead of building biased headcanons some ppl call "analysis".

but remember what barristan said about rhaegar while practically watching him all his life, from a literal baby to the man grown:

“I know little of Rhaegar. Only the tales Viserys told, and he was a little boy when our brother died. What was he truly like?”

The old man considered a moment. “Able. That above all. Determined, deliberate, dutiful, single-minded.” (ASOS, Daenerys I)

“Prince Rhaegar’s prowess was unquestioned, but he seldom entered the lists. He never loved the song of swords the way that Robert did, or Jaime Lannister. It was something he had to do, a task the world had set him. He did it well, for he did everything well. That was his nature. But he took no joy in it. Men said that he loved his harp much better than his lance.” (ASOS, Daenerys IV)

#thank you for the ask!!!#hope it didnt get too long and rambly afshsjsjs #once started talking its hard to shut up 😂#and im sorry for any possible mistakes #.txt #rhaegar targaryen #targnation #mypost #fandom wank #anti antis #majorton #*answered #asks

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reqvlvs · 3 years

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I wondered what you thought about Eddie's trauma and the way he deals with it, which always felt close to home due to his unhealthy coping mechanisms (anger management, etc.), do you feel like it's nearly suicidal (at least during the street fighting) or is it something else? (Always thought there was too much guilt for it to be only control-)

I thought when I first saw the scene between Eddie and Bobby, when they finally talk, that they should put an emphasis on the control part, like- It felt like it was downplayed (somewhat?), like they tried to make it only about his stoic facade when I think it could have been a nice way (narratively and development wise) to introduce more plainly his toxic relationship with his parents (his suffocating life and his insistance to not have Chris be with them and be trente-deux like he did). Because it could have opened the door on the stigma of power being a trait/need for men, an idea that could have been drilled by his father... (which they implied/not really talked about during his fights with Shannon)

Also, I read one of your rants, and that made me remember, one of the things I hate the most when reading Buddie fanfics is when they make Buck react about the Street Fighting by making him say stupid things like, did you think about Christopher, the people who love you, your job, ect, like he didn't have it in mind, like it doesn't contribute to his pain- When you're feeling down, or worse when you're depressed, you isolate yourself, you make it all about you because it's all you can see- Those people then try and teach a lesson when they're the ones who make depressed people feel like they are worthless- I just can't (it's not necessarly true to every single one of them but it's still too true)

Anyways :')

I'm trying to write this fanfic but can't seem to find motivation- Your posts were a really funny distraction! So thank you 💞💞

(PS: Castiel and Crowley were a fantastic duo that I would have loved to see together lol)

Hey! thank you so much for this and i will be more than happy to answer because i have a lot of opinions on this topic

First of all i wouldn't say his actions (regarding street fighting) were suicidal simply because of the fact that he had Chris and didn't want to let Chris down. however, i do think it has a lot to do with wanting to use the physical pain to distract from the emotional pain that he was dealing with. personally i believe he was raised in a household where it was drilled into him that men don't feel, and when they do they get over it, hence why we see him get back to work so quickly after Shannon's death. he wasn't raised with the mind set that what he was feeling was normal and something he didn't just have to get over. the ladder truck plus the tsunami ON TOP of shannon's death just made a whole mess of his emotions and the only one he really understood was his anger. his guilt he felt towards not saving shannon (or maybe the belief that he caused her death) and for buck and christopher during the tsunami manifested itself in this uncontrollable rage that he couldn't figure out how to let out.

in the talk with Bobby you come to realize how much they didn't really know about eddie regarding Shannon because he kept it mostly hidden. they didn't even find out until way after she died that she wanted a divorce. they assume control is the reason eddie is the way he is, because he's always the one in control of everything but frankly, he isn't and that's why he's so angry. even before, he wasn't in control when shannon left him. he wasn't in control regarding the way his and shannon's marriage (was going to, anyways) ended. he wasn't in control of the situation when buck was stuck under the truck. he wasn't in control when christopher was lost. he's always losing his grip on all these situations and he can't do anything about it and he's angry because he just wants to be able to control something in his life.

and honestly i think it does have a lot to do with his parents, again. he was raised (in my opinion) with the idea that he was the man, he was the husband, he was the father, he was the provider and he was to stay in control of everything around him. he tried to keep that for so long, he tried his hardest to be the one who dictated and handled situations and once he realized that he couldn't, he was angry. he felt disappointed in himself for not being what was expected of him. i think another part of his anger regarding his parents is the simple fact that his parents were constantly pointing out what he was doing wrong with christopher and showing him how he was a terrible father for "letting" his wife die after coming back into christopher's life. another way of proving the thought they drilled in his need for control all his life.

and you make an extremely valid point in regards to the street fighting thing!! they make it seem like eddie was unaware of the fact that buck and christopher and the 118 were there when he was more then aware of the fact that they were there, he just didn't want to hurt him. coming back to the control thing, maybe he felt like if he could just hold on to this one thing that he knew he had control of, it'd be fine, and soon enough he wouldn't he angry more and he'd stop. obviously that wasn't the case and frankly that's why i think he was so mad at Lena when he thought she told Bobby. he truly thought he had the handle on the situation, he got control of who did and didn't know, but suddenly someone else had that control and he was once again thrown off by the lose.

i know i went on about control even thought it wasn't the main focus, but i think there's a lot more to it than they were implying.

thank you so much!! im glad my posts helped and im super excited about your fic :))

(castiel and crowley are literally everything to me)

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coquelicoq · 4 years

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Lol what are your top wangxian fics

lol. i’m going to assume that you are referring to this post in which i said it’s impossible to narrow down my favorite wangxian fics but offered to give new recs each time i am asked this question. and if you were not intending to refer to that comment, well, that’s still what i’m doing! also you didn’t specify top 5 or top 10, so i’m going with 10 because i really got a backlog to work through here.

these are all complete and none of them have a tragic ending because i am not about that right now. and without further ado, anon, let’s get this wangxian.

depression is kicking my ass currently, so have some of lwj's and wwx's experiences with grief and mental illness:

Sun in an Empty Room by lightningwaltz (T, 10k). a contemplation on what it would be like for a traumatized and grieving young man to raise a small child, and how wanting to be better for him and watching him grow aren't enough to heal such a deep hurt, but they do make a difference. wwx's resurrection happens about halfway through. there's some really lovely imagery in this, and the tone is such a good match for the content. favorite line is maybe “Lan Wangji’s pain is a greedy thing, and he lets it call in its debts as the sun glides across the sky.” oof.

stay by queen_gee (G, <1k). very true to the experience of waking up and just feeling...wrong. i always love fics that show one (or both) of them struggling with trauma or grief or depression that doesn't magically go away just because they're together. healing is more complicated than that and i like to see that reflected back to me by fictional characters. that said, i also appreciate seeing how they can ease the way for each other, even if they can't fix it.

Convalesce by incendir (G, 4.8k). lwj has wwx back now, safe and sound, so he assumes the nightmares he's suffered for 13 years will go away. they do not. he doesn't want to worry wwx, so he tries to hide them - but then something reminds him of an especially traumatic moment, and there's no hiding a panic attack from wwx. this fic is really about how hard it is to talk about your pain and how much worse it is, on top of whatever it is that’s causing your pain, to feel like your emotions would be a burden on others. of course, when it comes to lan zhan, wwx doesn't see it that way. and we probably all need to hear that from time to time.

jc? in MY wangxian fic? it's just as likely as you think:

drawn to the blood by darkredloveknot (enheduane) (T, 5k). this is like the opposite of hurt/comfort: hurt/being dragged out of a monster lair by your brother-in-law who you hate and then being forced to accept his medicine that probably has pocket lint all over it because otherwise you'll die and your husband will be sad. this is jc pov and he is VERY grouchy. he has to keep reminding himself that he is on purpose trying to save lwj's life so he can't be TOO petty or lwj will just up'n die out of stubbornness and that would defeat the purpose. i'm making this sound like a whimsical romp but it's really more thoughtful than that, i am just always amused by jc angrily saving people and convincing himself he’s doing it against his will. these two emotionally constipated dudes have a SERIES of conversations (plural!) and end up coming to an understanding! this is a fairly short fic that still manages to give jc a very convincing emotional arc and i love that for him. (tbh this is more of a jc-lwj fic than a wangxian fic, but wwx does show up at the end, and of course reluctantly caring about wangxian is jc's motivation for saving lwj, so i'm counting it.)

post-canon getting together:

home is a person by leafings (G, <1k). ahhhh this is such a satisfying read on the last scene of cql! i'm obsessed with wwx's obsession with the way lwj says his name. wwx's relief and excitement blend together really naturally here. short and very sweet.

Deeper grows my longing by feyburner (T, 4.5k). part yunmeng bro defrosting, part wangxian getting together. jc offhandedly mentions wwx's husband and wwx is like "my WHAT NOW??" and that's how he finds out that lwj is into him, lol. wwx decides to teleport himself directly to cloud recesses using an experimental talisman because he simply cannot wait another second to see lwj. the wangxian banter in this is so delightful. lwj even manages to sneak in a barb at jc, even though he's not present and he just did lwj a huge favor actually?? gotta love this consistency. the setting in the lotus pier portion is really fleshed out - i was impressed with how tangible the author was able to make not just lotus pier itself but also wwx's nostalgia for it.

a couple of REALLY GOOD aus:

upon metal by astrobandit (T, 7.3k). wwx is a genie and lan zhan is the modern-day man who stumbles across his amulet. wwx doesn't know what to make of this quiet, sad person who doesn't want anything from him - in fact most of his wishes turn out to be about making wwx happy. this is just really sweet and also fairly suspenseful as it counts down to the final wish. i absolutely love the worldbuilding in this and the way canon events are adapted to fit it.

a theory of creation by bogliasco (NR, 9k). steampunk au in which wwx's heresy lies not in desecrating the dead by harnessing resentful energy, but in bestowing automata (robots) with souls and personalities and (gasp!) free will. this premise is SO creative and SO well-realized, i am super impressed. i love an au that translates the story into its world rather than just dropping the characters into a totally unrelated setting. and it's from lwj's perspective, so we still get the experience of certain plot elements coming as a surprise. also omg the author's note about jc is such a cool idea for this au and i hope the author expands on it in their follow-up WIP!!

the stars in the hazy heaven tremble above you by cicer (G, 64k). cinderella au, with lwj as the prince and wwx as a thief who sneaks into the palace disguised as mo xuanyu to do a bit of stealing from the rich to give to the poor. he really shouldn't draw any attention to himself, so he's just gonna slip in and slip out and...whoops! he's in love with the prince now!! that's awkward. i adore the jc content...wen qing is so great in this...wwx keeps fucking suggesting that lwj should marry mianmian...and everything lwj says when he's convincing wwx that he loves him back is?? so much?? just. dissolve me????? i can't believe i haven't seen this on tumblr yet (it was only completed two weeks ago, so maybe that's why?). i truly believe anybody who reads wangxian fic will adore this and should bump it to the top of their reading list immediately.

and i always want to include at least one laugh-out-loud-funny fic per rec post, so please enjoy:

the recesses by theinfamouswordsmith (T, 7k). lwj takes wwx home to meet the family. wwx: am i...living the plot of "get out"??? i laughed so much while reading this. wwx's internal monologue is hilarious, jyl's and jc's skeptical responses are hilarious, the lan sibling banter is hilarious, the perfectly self-assured and apparently self-unaware oddness of the lan family is hilarious. it's funny because of course wwx is being ridiculous, of course the lans can't be a cult, but also...are they?? a family with lxc in it could totally be a cult. he's just so fucking earnest. and they homeschool all their kids and live in a compound in the middle of nowhere. wwx's reactions to each new piece of evidence are priceless. i want to quote my favorite line but it would be impossible...just to give you a taste, please be advised that wwx calls lwj both "sugar tits" and "fire of my loins." i love it when wwx moves past his fear of being axe murdered right into dismay that he's never axe murdered anyone before so oh no, what if his boyfriend's family doesn't like him?? i wish i knew this guy in real life so i could lovingly laugh in his face and tell him he's ridiculous.

as always, more recs can be found here. happy reading!

#i quadruple-checked all the links this time and i swear tumblr is fucking with me #it deleted two of them and moved another one (though that one was probably my fault somehow)#the untamed #wangxian #fic #these are a few of my favorite things #asks #anon #links #linked to #wangxian fic #i actually said in that last ask that i would rec recent fics i had enjoyed but some of these are several months old #they've just been languishing in my drafts and i wanted them to languish no more!#i still got several old ones but considerably less than before #and at least three of these are pretty recent #to be clear i don't think jc would be carrying around medicine with pocket lint on it #i just think that lwj would be trying so hard to imagine something wrong with it so he could resent it #that he would maybe decide that the herbs are covered in dust etc. even in the absence of evidence

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queervagabond · 7 years

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How were you able to go back to college? Like, I basically failed mine and I just recently dropped out. Everybody keeps telling me to try again, but I'm just so embarrassed about it and I feel like a disappointment.

hey! I really apologize for not getting back sooner and I hope you see this. I have been dealing with finals and I wanted to figure out how to give this question the answer it deserves. If I don’t give a good one, since my strategy ended up being rambling my entire story of the past few years and hope something sticks, you are always welcome to message me or send another ask asking for a better answer.

When I first went to college, I did it because that was just what I was always told to do. Graduate high school and then go to college. Thats how life worked, no leap year, and it had to be a “legitimate college” aka art school was out of the question. So I went to a nice qualified school and I failed. Like all out complete failure. Lost a full ride my first semester and ended up in debt by the end of my second. The only thing I didn’t completely fuck up was the symphony program I was in. I like to say to people that ask that I didn’t fuck up the photo class I was in because that makes more sense than symphony program, but honestly, in the end I even messed that up. And I returned home feeling completely defeated. I wasn’t even metaphorically licking my wounds, I was purposefully letting them fester because I thought I didn’t get to recover from being a disappointment like that. And I didn’t talk to anybody about it because being a dropout can definitely feel embarrassing because of society’s standards (But one thing I had to realize is that everybody has a different personal timeline and I should give the middle finger to the stupid standards)

And for quite a while I was where you were. In theory I wanted it, but I couldn’t even start to imagine trying again. I had felt the fall once and there was no damn way I wanted to experience it again. But after a while, good god did I want it.

I had to get over my absolute terror of failing again. I had to get over all the people that looked down on me for dropping out. I had to get over the fact that I adored the college I first went to and that I couldn’t go back. I had to get over that the opportunities I had been presented there weren’t going to happen again. I had to make sure that I wasn’t pushing myself into something I couldn’t do yet. I had to want it.

Goodness that was a lot of baggage. And honestly, therapy helped a lot. If you have access to that, I highly suggest it. And find one that fits, not all are going to work, and it can be frustrating looking for one but my current one has helped me immensely get to where I am now.

But a tip, want it. Make sure you want it. And find a major and a school that fits you and that you want. Don’t do it because others are telling you to (along with those stupid societal standards,) do it because you want to. Take the time you need to figure everything out, get yourself back onto your two feet, do some introspection(I did A Lot of that,) and take a breather, because if you are like me, you need one even if it seems, at the time, wasteful. I took nearly two years. Seemed like forever but I needed it.

When I applied it ended up happening at 3 am on one of those nights where I want to do everything and see the world and think if I just try enough I can reach the stars. I feared the motivation would go away by morning like every other time so I applied that night and for a while I didn’t tell another living being that I had applied except in whispered anxious excitement to my cat. If I didn’t tell anybody then nobody else’s expectations would be riding on if I got in or not. I got a call at 8 am that woke me and I sat in bed crying for about 2 hours because they wanted me to come in with a portfolio and I interviewed and was damn honest when they asked what happened the past few years and got in and every damn day I am thankful for those terrifying minutes of bravery it took me to apply.

I found my fit at a small school where everybody knows everybody by their first name and I’m open about my past, in my depression and in my major failure, so people can understand me and I made sure I have a lot of support I can fall back onto in case I start slipping again. I went from failing every class I stepped foot in to straight A’s (bragging gives me a sour taste in my mouth a bit but I did this by and I have to remind myself I get to brag sometimes.) And while I had exactly one credit that could have transferred, I decided to not even enter as a transfer student because I wanted a new start.

And yes, I still have the regret. It still weighs on me late at night, full of what if’s. But I also can counter them with What Now? “Where do I go from here” and “Look at where I am now.” I had to make myself stop looking back, and told myself to just move on. You can’t drive a car looking in the rear view mirror, so how the hell was I going to go anywhere in life if I kept looking back.

Also, I quit facebook. Seeing everybody succeeding sure wasn’t helping and I needed to focus on me and not whatever my pseudo-friends from high school were doing. The only reason I didn’t delete it entirely was I needed a way to talk to my brother because he didn’t have a cell phone I could text in South Korea. So maybe you enjoy facebook, but also be careful on how much you look at where others are going and what they’re thinking and just focus on you.

So, want it my friend. Figure out what you want to do. When I express my regrets to my therapist he always points out that I’m just one of those people that sees no point in doing something I don’t enjoy so of course I struggled (and that the depression sure didn’t help lol.)

I can talk so much more about this but I don’t want to turn this into an introspective autobiography, if that hasn’t happened already. I hope this helps.

tldr- I waited until I wanted it like a man in a desert wants water. And a lot of therapy, self-reflection, and reassuring safeguards put in place. That too.

#fp #Anonymous #long post #also carrie fisher's quote of #Stay afraid #but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will fol #*follow #as always and will alway have an impact on my life #it helped me go back tbh #something i live by now

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