#my poor attempt at a comic strip lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

asterroidd · 3 years

Text

tempt fortune

↬ Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Reader

↬ Word count: 4.5k

↬ Warning/s: swearing, mentions of sex, alcohol, slight NSFW (?)

↬ Synopsis: Too deep in an argument with Hange in attempts to prove you are—in fact—not a virgin, you’ve accidentally lied blurted out that you and Levi are in a relationship.

↬ Notes: Tysm for the request anon! I had way too much fun with this prompt lol.

↬ Minors do not interact. Go away, shoo shoo!

8th prompt: “I can’t believe you told them you were my fiancé.”

The night was murky and dark with only the shine of the moon serving as a way to illuminate the streets of the city. Trees stripped bare as a sign of the forthcoming change of seasons, and a milky white fog had encompassed the city’s canals and dark alleyways. The crisp, cold air makes the hair on your skin stood up and shiver despite the layers of clothing you wore.

Though, that feeling will dissipate away as soon as the bitter taste of alcohol hits your taste buds and enter your system.

Earlier that day, Hange and Petra had invited you to a night out to the local pub to wash away the fears and tension of being soldiers of the Survey Corps. A guilty pleasure of some sort, just a way to rid the jitters of being eaten by a titan outside the walls. Despite the three of you being veterans, neither of you could ever shake the feeling of death’s cold hands resting on top of your shoulder.

That said, two of your best friends walked alongside you. Arms hooked with one another for warmth and for comfort. Soon enough, the three of you arrived at the destined place: the pub.

There are a couple of tables already taken, but the place is not too full. Even with that, the pub is still quite energetic; with men hollering and throwing their heads back as they chat with one another, weak threats that are carelessly thrown around by drunk individuals looking for a mock fight, and of course the iconic clink of glasses against one another as toast.

“What are we drinking tonight?” Petra asked. She claimed a seat at an empty table, in which you and Hanji followed suit.

“Whiskey!” Hange announced to which brought a grin on your face.

"Getting wasted, I see.“ You shrugged your jacket off and placed it neatly by your side. "Isn’t it Petra’s turn to treat us?”

The female in question instantly whipped her head to face you, a shocked look evident on her face. “I don’t recall making such promises.”

"You sure did!“ Hanji added. "We made a bet weeks ago. Debating whether or not Erwin grooms his eyebrows every morning.”

"In which we won, by the way.“ you said with a smug look on your face. "The commander does indeed groom it and even has a special comb for it.”

“Not fair!” Petra pouted, pushing her bottom lip out and giving Hange the puppy dog eyes in attempts to save her poor wallet. Which was futile, the brunette stuck her tongue out and shook her head. While Petra and Hange continued with their debacle, you took it upon yourself to call the attention of a barmaid. She gave you a beaming smile, her golden locks neatly tied into a bun and crow’s feet visible beneath her eyes. She approached the table wherein the three of you are situated.

“Two bottles of whiskey and three mugs please,” you spoke, not even bothering to wait for her to speak up. She nodded before strolling towards the counter to prepare your order.

Petra slumped her weight onto the table as she heaved a sigh in defeat. “Fine. It’s my treat tonight.”

You and Hange cheered in delight, successfully evading a huge loss of money given that whiskey is quite expensive. The continuous catastrophic storms that beleaguered the farmlands had made an extensive disastrous effect on the supply of barley and wheat. Which, like a domino effect, limits the supply of whiskey within the walls. Increasing the price of the said beverage more than two-fold.

It was a good thing that you put faith in your instincts and thus won the bet.

“How’s the research going, Hanji?” Petra changed the topic.

The brunette let out a drained sigh, “Levi had to kill Hughes.”

“Hughes?” You piped in. “The eight-meter class aberrant titan we caught last time?”

Hange nodded, “He was a good man. An honest man.” She spoke of the titan as if it was her long lost husband that died in a war.

Then, she started blabbering on and on about the experiments she had done to the beast; piercing its eye to count the regeneration time, plucking one of its teeth out to see if it would disintegrate, and many more.

You would’ve stopped her then and there if it weren’t for the barmaid approaching your table with a tray of glass and two bottles of whiskey. You internally cheered, Hange had told stories about Hughes a couple of times already that you basically had memorized it all.

The three of you wasted no time in popping one of the bottles and pouring the bitter liquid into the cups.

"To friendship. And condolences to Petra’s wallet.“ You raised your glass up to which the two mirrored. With one satisfying clink of the glass, you swallowed down its contents in one gulp. Your face contorting in an unattractive expression as the alcohol slid down your throat.

"I was planning to buy a book that I wanted. But it looks like it would have to wait for the time being,” Petra said, pouring another glass of whiskey.

"Pshh,“ your brunette friend snorted. "You have Oluo to buy anything you want.”

Instantly, blood rushed to Petra’s face upon hearing the male’s name.

You joined in the teasing. “Oh yeah. You two are a thing. Now, aren’t you?”

“We’re not!” your friend slammed her fists on the wooden table. “We’re just friends!”

“Oh really?” Hange swished the whiskey around the glass. “That’s not what I heard the other night.”

She leaned in close to whisper. “I heard moans coming out of his room.”

Petra sucked in a breath in shock, her eyes widening in shock and mouth slightly agape. “I- it’s not…it’s–” she said but she was a stuttering mess.

“Already in that stage, I see.” You playfully nudged her. It was an ongoing comical joke in the base that Oluo and Petra are in a romantic relationship after the male flat out publicly confessed to her one night in the mess hall. The room immediately erupted in a mess as howls and catcalls are heard. Ever since then, both of them are continuously teased.

“Say, (____)…” Hange trailed off, her fingers curling around the shot glass. Gulping the remaining liquid down her throat before continuing, “Are you a virgin?”

You let out an inhumane sound in shock. Borderline choking as you tried to swallow down the whiskey caught in your throat. Petra saw your discomfort in which she assisted you by lightly patting you on the back as you coughed air out.

“What kind of question is that?” you said after your body stopped jerking.

Hanji gave you a lop-sided smile. “Just that we are nearing our thirties. Who knows when we’ll breathe our final breath? The least we could do is experience getting laid before that happens.”

“Well, are you a virgin?” You answered with a question.

Hange rests her chin on top of her open palm. “Nope, though it was a one night stand.”

You sweat buckets, you never had someone popped your cherry before, let alone a serious relationship that is romantic.

Are you the only one left that hasn’t got laid?

But it’s not your fault! You were just too caught up with military services that love never crossed your mind

Or did it?

Your mind wanders off to daydream about the small and petty crush you have with a certain captain.

There is just something so captivating about the way his silver eyes met yours the first time you saw him. How his raven hair looks neat every time and you could only guess how soft it would be to touch. Not to mention his impeccable skill with the 3dmg maneuver gear and its blades.

Yes, it was none other than Captain Levi himself. But it was all just a petty crush! A small rosebud of admiration that had blossomed as you fought alongside the male and got to know him better each passing day.

“Well?” Hange snapped you out of your thoughts. “Have you or have you not gotten laid?”

You cleared your throat, you didn’t want to look foolish in front of your friends. Given that the two of them had their own fair share of experience in the topic. They would tease the hell out of you and soon enough, the whole base would do as well.

Lieutenant (____), the virgin soldier. You don’t want things to be that way.

“O-of course I did,” you puffed your chest out more to elicit fake confidence.

Petra cooed, “Really? With who?”

You thought of the closest male in your personal bubble. “Levi!”

To say that the two were shocked was an understatement. They were both flabbergasted. Never in a million years would they expect that you and Levi had a relationship, let alone sexual intercourse. The two, in fact, never saw him and you close enough that would draw out a romantic vibe. So they are completely blown away and confused at the same time.

“Bullshit,” Hange said. “Shorty is one lonely man that has no love in his system.”

“I-is too!” you stuttered out, hand flailing around in panic. “In fact, he is my fiancé.”

Okay, that might be a stretch.

Petra slammed her hands against the table to which garnered half of the customers’ attention. “Get out! No way!”

“Yes way!” You countered. So far so good, now all you had to do is convince them that you and Levi are actually a thing. Which was easier said than done since you would need to bribe or annoy the male enough that he would give in to your pleas.

Though, Hange is still unimpressed as evident with her pouting lips and furrowed eyebrows. “Prove it then, show us that the shorty and you are actually a thing. I would bet half of my salary this month if you could show us that Levi is capable of love.”

“Bring it on four-eyes!”

And so begins the downfall of your life.

Levi had a sick feeling in his gut; a hunch that for the next few hours, he would have a shitty day. However, he couldn’t say for sure what would cause such disturbance to his day. His gut feelings were never wrong, it was an innate sense that he had ever since he lived in the Underground. So he was sure something would happen, he’d have to be more careful.

That said, he instantly regretted the way he jinxed himself.

There you are, standing outside of his office at two in the morning. Your fingers fiddled with the hem of your shirt, constantly shifting your weight from one foot to another as you refuse to make eye contact with Levi. Bashful eyes kept staring down at your feet whilst you find the words to make one coherent sentence.

“I have something important to discuss with you,” you murmured to which Levi quirked a brow. What did you want now that it couldn’t wait until the sun rose up in the sky?

The male crossed his arms across his chest, leaning his weight on the doorway. “What is it?”

“Please pretend to be my lover.”

Levi blinked, his eyes widening and mouth hanging open slightly. Though, he regained back his usual composure in a split second. He narrowed his eyes at you.

You want him to do what now? Is this some kind of prank or sick joke that you thought of?

Taking note of his silence, you decided to explain to him your situation that needs his immediate cooperation and attention.

“You see…” you sucked in a breath. “I kind of lied to Hange and Petra that I got laid and it was you who actually took my virginity. Hange didn’t believe a word that I said and uhh-… Things got out of hand and I told them I was your fiancé.”

What?

Levi sighed through his nose, an exasperated expression on his face. “So this is what it’s all about.”

“Yes. And now I need you to play along and pretend to be my significant other.”

The male scrunched his face up in disgust, “I can’t believe you told them you were my fiancé.”

You fought back a sob, “Please. I beg of you, Levi.”

“No.” Levi shook his head. “No way. Don’t drag me in your own bullshit.”

The male was about to close his door but you grabbed him by his sleeve. Clutching on it until your knuckles turned white. You couldn’t just let him shut you out without agreeing to play along. You’d do whatever it takes just to get Levi to pretend to be your lover.

"I’ll buy you the expensive black tea.“

His ears twitched, now that piqued Levi’s interest. You smirked as he froze, you knew that he has a soft spot for tea. And tasty, expensive ones at that matter.

Levi chewed on his bottom lip while he pondered over his next words. The male was supposed to be keeping his hands busy by signing and writing the documents that started to pile high up on top of his desk due to Hanji dumping her workload on him. Levi sighed through his nose, fingers massaging his temple. "How long?”

“What?” You tilted your head to the side.

“Tch.” Levi clicked his tongue. “How long do I need to pretend to be your lover?”

Levi swore that the minute he let go of those words, stars danced in your eyes.

"We just need to convince the others.“

"And then?” He asked.

"And then? What. . ?“

Levi internally groaned and rolled his eyes. Was it really worth the risk?

"Are you expecting that we keep the act up?”

Oh, so that is what he meant by it.

"Well,“ you rubbed your chin with your fingers in deep thought. "We could stop the acting after a few weeks? We’ll just tell them we’re too busy and shit that we couldn’t maintain the relationship anymore.”

Levi shrugged. “Sounds good enough to me.”

You squealed in delight as you threw your arms around his neck, showering him with gratitude and compliments.

Looks like black tea does the trick.

The sun already rose from its slumber, showering the lands with its soft rays of light. Levi had a scowl ever-present on his face as soon as he stepped out of his office room. He knew that something was wrong. Something out of place as he sensed the change in the atmosphere of the base that would normally be heavy and tense.

Still, he persisted on shrugging the thought off and continued with his daily morning routine: which is to quickly brew a cup of tea before the mess hall becomes full with people. Levi walked down the halls, a handful of soldiers are already awake and fully clothed with the Survey Corps uniform. They gave him one brief and firm salute as he passed by them. Though, Levi swore that he could hear them whispering amongst themselves.

When the male arrived at the mess hall, he was surprised to see most of the superiors—along with his squad—are mingling with one another at a table. His mind screamed danger, telling his body to turn around and hide in the comforts of his office. However, Levi wasn’t going to give up his morning cup of tea just because he felt uneasy.

He slid inside like a shadow, going unnoticed by most of his friends that was too energetic today for his tastes. They were chatting loudly about miniscule things; the weather, training later on the day, gear inspection that needs to be done, and the like.

Levi wished that he would be overlooked, that their banter would be noisy enough that he could peacefully grab a cup of tea and run back to his office. Though that wishful thinking of his soon come crashing down when Hange’s cheery voice called out to him.

“Mornin’ shorty! Come sit here beside us! We already have tea brewed for you!”

Levi internally groaned, gripping the empty cup in his hands tighter. The brunette just had to have an innate sense in locating where Levi is. Reluctantly, he left the porcelain behind and walked towards the table. You were nowhere to be found, which was a huge relief for him since Levi doesn’t want to see your face first thing in the morning.

“What’s with the shit-eating grin?” he took a seat beside Erwin.

“(____) told me something important last night,” Hange wiggled her shoulders.

He narrowed his eyes at her, “What do you mean?”

Levi heard Erwin laughing beside him, the blond’s shoulders bouncing up and down. He then placed one palm on top of Levi’s shoulder.

“Congratulations, Levi! Didn’t knew you were engaged.“

Hold the fuck up. What?

Then it dawned on him. He remembered you outside his office in the wee hours of the morning, begging him to play along with your petty bullshit just for the sake of preserving your dignity among your peers.

Levi couldn’t believe that he would start acting right away. He haven’t had a sip of his morning tea.

“Yeah,” he said, eyeing the cup of tea that Eld placed in front of him. Levi doubts that any of them could perfectly brew tea that would meet his standards.

“What?” Oluo joined in the conversation. “So it’s true then?”

Levi grumbled, taking a sip of the leaf infused hot liquid. He relished the dark and malty taste of it sliding down his esophagus before responding. “Any problem with that?”

The male shifted in his seat, “N-no, sir… Just that I am shocked.”

“We all are,” Erwin chuckled. “We never expected it.”

“You are a man of a few words, after all.” Petra added. “Still, we are happy for you, captain!”

Levi stayed silent, if he knew that by accepting your bribery would open Pandora’s box of headache and irritation in his life, then he wouldn’t have agreed to it. Still, he was hopeful that only those close to him are informed of the arrangement. That you wouldn’t go so far as to spread the news around the base.

Scratch that. Everyone knew that Levi is your fiancé.

By the time midday rolled around, Levi was the center of attention much to his displeasure. Of all the years he had served in the military, never did he expect that one small arrangement done at two a.m. would have dire consequences.

All for the black tea. Levi chanted in his mind. Dealing with this bullshit for a box full of expensive black tea.

Whispers could be heard, though he paid no attention to it, dead set on finding you to ask what in the ever-loving fuck is going through your brain for letting everyone know.

Ah, speak of the devil. There you are, by the horses’ stables. Your hands reaching up to caress the nose of your horse, a giggle escaping your lips as its tongue darted out to tickle you.

“(____),” he called out.

You whipped your head around to the sound. Then your smile grew wider as you saw it was Levi.

“Hey!” you replied while wiping your wet hand on a towel. “What’s up?”

The male groaned, you are too casual about it.

“Care to explain why does everyone in the base knew that we are engaged?” The word rolled off his tongue like venom. “I thought it was only Hanji and Petra?”

Your smile wavered down, replaced by a bashful one. “Well uhh-…you see. Hanji kind of started the rumors which quickly spread like wildfire.”

“So it’s not my fault,” you threw your hands up.

Levi sighed exasperatedly. He should’ve known that the source would be four eyes. The brunette had caused more trouble than Levi could count within his fingers. He recounted countless times where she knocked on death’s door willingly when Hange placed her head inside a titan’s mouth. Who does that?

A maniac with a death wish, and that is what Hange is.

“Never mind that,” you trailed off, motioning the male to come closer. He rolled his eyes before obliging. “I have a plan that could finally get Hange off the radar,” you continued.

“And that would be?”

You looked side by side, eyes scanning the surroundings in case someone is eavesdropping. Once you considered the coast was clear, you told Levi the plan. “Hanji would be dropping off a stack of paperwork later this evening.”

Levi doesn’t already like where this is going.

“We could pretend to have sex in your office, loud enough for her to hear it. That for sure would convince her.”

You wanted to do what now?

“Wait, hold on.” Levi shook his head, slowly trying to digest your words. “You want us to have sex?”

“We’re not really going to do it!” you slapped his shoulder blades. “Just create some noise and thuds here and there to make it seem like we are doing it.”

The male internally groaned before hesitantly agreeing with your plan. If it means that this stupid fabrication of a relationship would be done, he’d follow suit.

You could hear the loud pounding of your heart inside your ribcage as you sat on one of the chairs in Levi’s office. Patiently, waiting for the fated moment where Hange would be knocking on the door. Butterflies flew around in your stomach, you couldn’t believe that Levi would actually cooperate with the stupid plan you had just conjured up at a moment’s notice.

The thought of him moaning and grunting made your core burn with desire. As much as you want to calm yourself, you couldn’t help but stir up images and scenes in your mind as to how Levi would look like while having sex. You don’t know which was a better view: him on top of you or you riding him.

Heat rushed to your cheeks at the thought. Why does he have to be so goddamn sexy that you couldn’t resist the man?

“Oi,” Levi called out to you. Though, his eyes never left the paper in his hands as he scanned it. “Quiet down will you? Your foot tapping against the floor irritates me.”

Oh, it was a mindless action of yours when you get too nervous. By bouncing your legs up and down, it helps you calm down and ignore the growing pit of anxiety in your stomach. Nonetheless, you mumbled a quick apology to the male then resorted to fumbling with the collars of your uniform.

Soon enough, you heard the soft humming of Hange outside, her footsteps increasing in sound as she draws near the door. You and Levi looked at each other, it was showtime.

You abruptly stood up, arms flailing around as you glanced between the male and the door. Wait, what do you need to do again? And why is Levi still sitting in his chair and not doing anything?

“Levaii!” Hange knocked. “I got more paperwork for you!”

The doorknob rattled, but you instantly had the metal in your grasp in attempts to keep the female out of the room.

“Huh…?” you could hear Hange utter. “Levi?”

In a panicked state, your mind blanked out as words fail to escape your lips. You shot a pleading look to Levi, to which he rose a brow.

Help me you bitch! You mouthed.

He shot you a confused look. It’s your plan, do it, the male mouthed back.

You gulped down your saliva, shaky hands gripping the doorknob tighter as the brunette jostle it. Time seemed to stop as you suddenly remember one hole in the plan. One important thing that you have overlooked that could potentially blow your cover.

You don’t know how to moan.

A soft whine emanated from your throat. The things you have to do just to preserve your dignity.

“DON’T COME IN! WE’RE uh-… WE’RE HAVING SEX!” you shouted on top of your lungs, too distressed to rethink your words all over again. But now it was too late.

“W-what?” Hange’s voice was muffled by the wooden door.

“Levi. Moan. Now.” You whispered, practically begging the male for his help.

“Why do I have to moan?” he stood up and made his way around the desk to approach you.

“JUST-… Just create one sexual sound! A grunt, a moan, a whine! I don’t care. Just make a sound.”

Levi shot you an irked expression, his nose crinkling up. It’s not that he doesn’t know how to moan (unlike a certain someone), but because he had the initial thought that you would be moaning and Levi would be just hitting the wooden desk over and over again to elicit sex noises. Still, he felt his heart strings being pulled as he looked at your eyes with tears threatening to fall out of them. Your tearducts filled to the brim with the salty liquid. Levi would be a good guy for once, right?

He would surely regret his future actions. Big time.

With a sigh, the male pulled you along with him to the couch. His hands guiding your hips to sit on top of his lap whilst he smashed his lips with yours. Air got caught in your throat as Levi’s hands roamed around—exploring every inch of your body—while his mouth moved in attempts to get yours to move also. You never expected that he would be pressing his lips against yours in a heated dance—a wet one at that matter. Levi’s tongue kept darting and swiping at your bottom lip, which was an oddly delightful sensation that it makes you want to—

“Hngghh…”

Moan.

Your hands curled up, clutching Levi’s shirt and wrinkling it up in the process. Pleasure clouded your mind as hormones took over your system. Testing the waters, you opened your mouth—just a slight—so that his pink muscle could enter your wet cavern. And heavens above, it was such a blissful experience.

Levi exhaled into the kiss to which the air slightly ticked your cheeks. He used one hand to bring your head closer to his so that he could taste more of you, while the other started peeling the jacket off of you, going just past your shoulder blades. A quiet moan slipped past your lips once again.

“Okay, I call bullshit. I am entering,” Hange announced, prying open the doors only to gasp loudly upon seeing the scene before her. “OH. YOU WERE SERIOUS?”

Levi broke away to glare at the brunette, “Tch. Do you mind? Four eyes?”

You are in such a daze that you find yourself staring at Levi’s lips. In that brief moment, you already missed the feeling of his mouth against yours.

The female blinked, too stunned as she stared at the both of you. One powerless lieutenant, with your first few buttons undone and jacket slipping down, sitting on Levi’s lap. Your lower area flush against the male’s ever-growing erection. Not to mention the bewildered expression that you have with a lewd undertone. Hange swore that she saw a string of saliva between yours and Levi’s lips.

“Ah yes. I’ll just place these here, no biggie. Hehe.” The brunette let out an awkward laugh, placing the stacks of paper in the corner of the room. “Have fun you two!”

That said, Hange left the room. Her steps were heavy against the cobblestone floor as she rushed away from the vicinity. A grin on her face as she thought of spreading the news that you and Levi are doing at the moment in his room. Not even minding that she lost the bet with you since you had proved to her that indeed the captain is capable of love. A juicy information such as this is worth half of her salary for the month.

Levi brought your attention to him by kissing you once again. This time, with more force as he pried your mouth open once again with his tongue alone. It was a slippery battle; one-sided, in fact, considering that you weren’t fighting back. You simply let him wrestle with your tongue, yours and his saliva mixing in the process.

Damn, you really couldn’t hold your moan in this time.

“Would you look at that?” Levi pulled away. “You know how to moan, after all.”

You swore, the tips of his lips curled upwards in a small smirk and there was a dark glint in his eyes.

“Wh-Wha—” you were a loss for words. “What did you—…What was that?”

“It’s a kiss, dumbass.”

“That’s not what I meant! Y-your tongue—”

He rose a brow at you. “What about it?”

You sealed your mouth shut, heat rushing to your face in embarrassment. “Just… just don’t do that again.”

Levi kept a firm grip on your waist as you wriggled. “Shut up, you obviously liked it. You even opened your mouth.”

“Did not!”

“Then why did you moaned into the kiss?”

You suck in a breath, cat catching your tongue.

“Though so…” he murmured, diving into your neck to pepper it with light kisses. Head too filled with pleasure, you gripped his shirt in your closed fists as you let out one shaky breath. It takes all of your nerves just to swallow that one moan threatening to come out.

“Hng- Levi. You could stop now, Hange saw us already.”

He hummed, pulling back slightly to gaze into your eyes. There was a hint of lust hidden within his silver orbs. You gulped, finding yourself wrapped around his fingers.

“Why won’t we make your lie come true?” Levi sunk his teeth in your neck.

Guess who is getting laid tonight.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot #snk #levi #levi x reader #captain levi #levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #aot x reader #snk x reader #reader insert #asters fics

317 notes · View notes

cornfarm · 3 years

Note

isjeishwish plz tell us more about anzai-chi

like her relationship with the another characters

also ur drawingstyle is 🥺🥺🥺

OMG i'm so happy you asked!!! i'm so happy people care abt her, and thank you!!!! :DD

i'll give some fun facts about her and then talk a bit abt her relationships! i wrote a LOT so i put most of it under a cut! i'll give anyone who reads it all a cookie lol

her planets name is mezpria! she calls herself a mezprian.

anzai is usually seen carrying around a mop. she usually has it slung across her shoulders carrying bags. shes very skilled in spearsmanship, so she sometimes swings around her mop for fun, and people with keen eyes for fighting recognize her precision with her strokes.

that being said, she does have a spear! i mentioned that she could channel thunder to strike, this spear is what allows her to do so. when she swings it and a certain speed, it creates a line of static, and lightning will strike whatever connects, or is closest to that line. because of how dangerous it is to be put in the wrong hands, she keeps it under her bed in her apartment.

her extensive use of it during the war is what caused her hearing problems. she's not entirely deaf, but she does miss things if people speak too quietly. she does know sign language! she teaches the yorozuya some so they can gossip about people across the room.

this does mean though, that she fights frequently with simply a mop. it's a similar gag to gintoki's wooden sword, but when people say she's holding a mop, she just tilts her head and says "this is a spear?".

this is her and her spear:

sougo thinks she's funny because hijikata HATES her. he's always pissed off about how she's skirting perfectly around the law, and manages to avoid being arrested. he even hates her more because he really likes a certain type of cigarette she sells. she sells them in packs of 20, and they're made from a type of fermented, then dried wheat from her home planet.

he'll come into the shop yelling about he's "gonna arrest her and she better watch out" while buying cigarettes. the only quality he'll ever admit to liking about her is that she never comments on his hypocrisy, and that she doesn't (outwardly) judge him for his food choices.

other than hijikata, the rest of the shinsengumi is relatively neutral about her. sougo does find her antics very amusing. he definitely comes to her shop like "miss anzai will you please teach me how to roll cigarettes <3" and then puts cyanide in one for hijikata. then when it's the one she picks up to smoke he punches her so that she doesn't. maybe he hangs around because he can sense how mischevous she is.

she's always eager to teach people things about her culture and how she runs her shop! as much as she's eager to teach sougo, she also ends up teaching shinpachi and kagura lots of stuff as well. she would never say she's maternal, or a mother figure, but there's something about the way she explains things, and brings them food, and gives advice that get a "thanks mom".

sometimes she gets it from gintoki too, but when he says it she looks at him very sadly. she HATES being called mom and scolds them for it.

speaking of gintoki, i'm tired of a harem, so he likes her! it's entirely unclear to everyone if she reciprocates. she shows just enough interest to suggest she might have feelings, but she's so distant it's hard to tell. even though his kids tease him by saying shit like "please don't lower your standards to someone as low as him," to her, theyre all secretly rooting for him.

she initially met them because she needed some people to help her move and decorate her shop. they asked her why she didn't hire a moving company instead. she says there wasn't a particular reason, but she had been lingering outside their shop for a solid week before talking to them. they definitely noticed and were like "whats with this chick", especially cause she would just stand there and stare up at the sign trying to muster the courage. she really wanted to meet people and try to make some friends!

she pays them so well they actually do an okay job! anzai thanks them, and tells them they're allowed to come by anytime, and she'll give them a discount for anything they'd like. they come by very often, gintoki particularly likes the alcohol she sells, as a lot of it is very sweet, so they frequently drink together at night.

she also brings them food often. it's an easy way for her to express gratitude and affection. she's pretty poor at cooking japanese food at first, but she learns quickly!

her and gintoki have a lot in common, the biggest aspect of their relationship being their sense of humor! she's always amused by the things he says, and it's very reciprocated. he likes that her humor is so similar- they end up bonding really quick. they do banter a bit, but a lot of their interactions are enabling each other. he teases her a lot.

kagura and shinpachi don't like the way they talk to each other. kagura says their weirdness rubs off on each other too much, whereas shinpachi is simply baffled about how there's someone who can match his energy so well.

heres a silly comic i made:

anzai does give him these judgemental looks sometimes, but they're done playfully. when he does cross a line and piss her off, she just disappears, always managing to be away when he looks for her. when they fight it's miserable to watch because gintoki's too stubborn to talk to her, and she's too freaked out by emotional confrontation.

they're all very thankful anzai is a little bit responsible and always makes up with them. gintoki frequents her shop and is like, "hey, i'm not here for you. give me 5 of those little bread things, three of them strawberry and the other two peach. that's what i'm here for, not for you. are you free later?" and then lingers around way too long.

she tries to give otae cooking lessons, masked by a "let me teach you how to make a classic mezprian dish ^__^" in an attempt to alleviate shinpachi from his despair. she manages to screw up even simple recipes so she just shrugs at him.

one time katsura's ronin try to assassinate her because they heard crazy rumors about her war crimes and exploits and she just looks at him like "can you stop trying to kill me please." eventually he's like "my bad lol we heard a bunch of crazy rumors about you" and she's like "those are all true :)"

she gets very silly and happy when drunk, so her and gintoki have a lot of fun drinking together. although sometimes she tries to tackle him, she doesn't have the arm strength when she's drunk, so he always ends up just swinging her around. she's definitely gotten a concussion at some point.

she also tends to crash with him, so when shinpachi sees her sneaking out in the early morning she always gaslights him into thinking he was seeing things.

hasegawa, gintoki, and her gamble often! she's pretty well off so she's not too worried about money, so she just thinks its fun. when they tell her to start stripping so they can continue gambling something away and she's like "absolutely not" and then takes her apron off.

i feel like i've spoken really only highly of her, but despite how she's generally liked and beloved by many, she's painfully distant. she's always a few steps out of reach from everyone, and because of that she feels like an outsider. heres another drawing of her:

most people call her anzai(-san), but otae and hasegawa call her yae, while kagura calls her yae-chan. sougo commonly calls her boss, and gintoki calls her a slew of shitty nicknames, most commonly with her lastname, since it uses the kanji for "toki". she calls almost everyone by their first name with no honorifics.

AND THATS IT!!! i can definitely think of a hundred more scenarios with her and different cast members but i've already written so much ;__;

if you've read this far i'm giving u ur cookie of choice

#i guess technically all her relationships could be /p but you can pair her up with anyone i dont care #i just like gintoki #<3 #OHH BTW I LOVE YOUR OC TOO SHES SO CUTE #i'm on my adhd meds im sorry for going crazy #gintama oc #anzai yae #gintama #corn art #corn asks

6 notes · View notes

lonelyghosts-stuff · 3 years

Text

Loki Tumblr Posts Masterlist

I have made so many Loki posts I figured I might as well make a masterlist because making organized things like this is fun for me.

This Masterlist includes some reblogs

There's no real point to this

Analyses/Rants/General Comments

(MCU) Loki Laufeyson/Odinson Character History and Analysis

Ugh Thanks a Lot "Gagnarok"

TVA Stripping Loki-Good? Bad? (Maybe a little of both?)

Loki Show Expectation Anxiety

Coping With Expectation Anxiety

Look at this shmuck calling me a fake Loki fan for not liking Ragnarok

Loki-Character Analysis (and Rant lol)

Why ppl say Loki smash dumb or toxic ppl???

Loki is so caring of Thor's love, Jane Foster

Loki | Behind the Scenes (2021)

Loki Show Promos

OfficialLoki Instagram Promo for Loki on Disney+

Loki Series TikTok Promo

OMG HE HAS A TURTLENECK

LOOK AT HIS TURTLENECK!!!

Good? Bad? Bit of both!

You Still Need to See Loki in a Turtleneck

"Loki - you're in a lot of trouble."

"COME AND GET ME!" Loki on Disney+ Hotspot clip

Marvel Infinite Disney+ Reel

Tom Hiddleston Breaks Down a Decade of Loki's Most Memorable Scenes in Preparation for 'Loki'

Tom Hiddleston: Loki in 30 Seconds

Miss Minutes 'Loki' TV Spot Clip-SHIRTLESS LOKI

Marvel Studios' Loki | Official Trailer | Disney+

Loki Art Posters

Behind the Scenes and Other Content

Thor (2011) Deleted Scenes

Loki VS Valkyries Fight Scene

Loki | Behind the Scenes (2021)

Memes and Fan Content

Loki Turned Into a Piece of Paper?

Tom Hiddleston is Given Executive Producer and the First thing he does is...

Loki Trailer Screenshot Memes

My Little Baby, Off to Destroy People

Considering Using My College Fund to Buy Loki Costume Pieces

You hurted Loki!? Oh. Oh! Jail for Mobius! Jail for Mobius for for One Thousand Years!!

Loki is played by a 40 year old man but he's baby

Distracted Boyfriend Meme but it's Tom Hiddleston/Loki With the Tesseract

Shirtless Loki is EVERYWHERE

It is Wednesdays my Loki Lovers-Wednesdays are the new Fridays

Loki's Just Vacuuming Stark Tower

What SHOULD Have Happened After Infinity War

Thor May be the God of Thunder, but Thunder Always Comes After Lightning--KACHOW!

Thor and Loki: Remember Me

Loki Has Kidnapped Tom Hiddleston Confirmed

Amazing Thor Ragnarok Reimagined Comic!

Loki Through the Movies

I'll Obey You Any Day, Loki

Loki Being Chill While Chaos Ensues Around Him

Introducing Thor and Loki to the Class in a Presentation About Norse Mythology

Loki Just Really Needs a Hug

Loki Gets Blamed for Everything When He's Just Getting Dragged Along

Loki in 'Avengers Assemble'

My Tumblr Officially Became a 'Loki Stan Account'

Desperate Attempt at Drawing Loki-Not so good

Loki has the same knife in the trailer as he used to try and stab purple grape man

Steve Roger is at fault for Loki going to space jail

Tom Hiddleston as Loki for 10 Years

Loki 1st Trailer Music

@sserpente fixed the MCU

Loki's "funeral"

Loki deserved comfort after learning of his true parentage

Loki and Wanda causing chaos while Stephen Strange knows he has to clean it up after

Thor and Loki are "smart"

Loki GIFs

Jotunn Loki is Tiny Giant

Look at his emotion; my poor baby

"COME AND GET ME!"

Loki is scared cuz a man just got melted in front of him for not showing his ticket

Mean Lady Takes Loki's Knives

Loki's Got a Point About Thor...

Tony Stark and Loki: "We have a Hulk."

"He's doing great!"-'Loki' Series

"Wednesdays are the new Fridays"

"HE'S NOT MY FATHER!"---"I, Loki, prince of Asgard... Odinson..."

Loki and Nebula Parallels

Thor and Loki Being a Duo in Thor Ragnarok

Loki Using Magic

Tom Hiddleston as Loki in the MCU

"We protect the proper flow of time. I want you to help us fix it." 'Loki' (2021)

Loki kicking all the booty in the 'Loki' trailers

Loki tryna help Thor in Ragnarok

"Come on... what'd you expect?"

Sylvie(?) and Loki

More 'Loki' Trailer GIFs

Loki Chillin' While Mount Vesuvius is Erupting

"I'm terribly sorry. Must be a very painful memory."

Thor: The Dark World | Loki's Coronation (Deleted Scene)

Thor and Loki transformation | Thor: Ragnarok

Thor: Ragnarok | Loki Flipping Knives

Thor: Ragnarok | Loki's Fabulous Hari Flip

Loki is a polite "evil" god

Loki Has Telekinesis!!!

Tom Hiddleston Very Animatedly Summarizes the Past Ten Years of Loki in 30 Seconds

Speculation/Headcanons/Interviews/Articles

Loki and Thor Headcanon

Wants for the Loki Series

Loki Showing Vulnerability in the Trailers

My Sweet Baby Boy Needs a Hug

Michael Waldron Interview and Comments

The Warriors 3 and Loki in Thor (2011)

Tom Hiddleston Gushing Over Owen Wilson and His Role in 'Loki'

Teletubbies Listed as Inspiration for 'Loki'???

Tom Hiddleston aka Loki Watches Marvel Movies as a Fan in Theaters

Fanfic

Specter Fanfic Synopsis/Idea

Specter Fanfic Masterlist

#this took over an hour and it shouldn't have #Loki #Loki Laufeyson #Loki Odinson #Marvel #Marvel Cinematic Universe #MCU #Disney #Disney Plus #Disney+#Loki Series #Loki Show #Loki on Disney+#Loki Disney+#Tom Hiddleston #Memes #Marvel Memes #MCU Memes

9 notes · View notes

thehollowprince · 4 years

Note

Exact same thing happens with Stiles Stilinski, Peter Hale and Derek Hale (to a slightly lesser extent). Stans swear they love them but proceed to ignore their flaws and ignore 90% of canon. They even give Stiles Scott's personality in most fic, give Peter Deaton's role while saying Deaton is an evil bastard, froze Derek in his season 1-2 development and made him even *more* of a brooding caricature. Like, sis, at that point, just make OCs lol

Yeah. I never understood that whole phenomenon.

You go into a fandom and see characters like Stiles, or Tony Stark, or Kylo Ren, or Snape and Draco or Peter and Derek or virtually any conventionally attractive white man in a show/movie/book/comic/etc. and they're all presented as these uwu soft boys with horrible backstories, often times drastically exaggerated or even outright fabricated, that are usesld as an excuse for every bad thing, or even mildly inconvenient, they do so that we as the audience know that its "not their fault".

But then you go an actually engage with the canon source material and they're nothing like how the fandom portrays them.

I am so lucky that I had actually watched Teen Wolf before I ventured into the fandom, because if it had been the other way around, I'd have been confused as to why Scott seemsd to be the center of the show and not Stiles, or why the grumpy looking muscle man was constantly putting the moves on a teenager.

Hell, even having watched the show first I was thrown off because you go into fandom and the characters are nothing like their canon counterparts. The worst was the fandom literally stripping everything about Scott that made him Scott and just draping it over Stiles in a totally unsubtle attempt to let everyone know who they thought should be the real protagonist of the show.

The "Stiles in Scott's clothes" trope that permeated the fandom was particularly obnoxious to me because these are the same fans (usually Sterek shippers) who go out of their way to let you know they the reason they didn't like Scott was because he was "so boring". They don't like how he always has to be the good guy in every situation and he should be darker and blah blah blah. But then these very same people turn around and give all of the attributes they just claimed to hate about Scott and bedazzle Stiles with him before singing his praises. The Stiles of canon is this loud, brash, sarcastic smartass who has an inability to shut his mouth even in the the direst of situations, but the Stiles of fanon is this uwu soft boy who speaks five languages and cooks for his poor dad while struggling with his own eating disorder while being unable to sleep because of his ADHD and always having to do all the research for everyone and juggling all of his advanced classes and struggling with his attraction to an older guy while dealing with "Scott's homophobia" and.... it just goes on and on and on.

They go out of their way to create this fantastical character that doesn't at all resemble the canon Stiles in any capacity except for physical appearance, and even then that's suspect, because while Dylan O'Brien is six foot tall and decently built, the fanon version of Stiles is this perpetually smol child who wears skinny jeans and is dwarfed by Derek.

This just goes to further show that most of them view Stiles as some sort of self-insert character, which is made even weirder by the fact that so many of them are women (not all of them, but most of them). They twist canon so much to create these little scenarios for whatever fantasy they've concocted in their head that at some point the question has to be asked of not only whether or not they've actually watched the show, but if they don't enjoy anything about it that actually happens, then why are they so invested in it. It costs literally nothing to just create one's own original characters where they can say "hey, I picture this character as being played by Dylan O'Brien".

And this way, they can create their elaborate fantasies without going out of their way to twist canon and try to paint Stiles as a saint and Scott as a devil. The racist implications aside, this way they could stop erasing the character of Scott from his own narrative and maybe stop trying to smear Posey at every opportunity, or sending death threats, and all the other horrible stuff they've flung his way as if under the impression that if Tyler's doing well, then somehow that means Dylan isn't.

And that's just Teen Wolf!

How many shows or movies or comics have devolved into this giant fandom mess because of contradicting opinions regarding characters in canon and then the fanon versions that large parts of the fandom prefer? How many fandoms have devolved into a civil war because of a deliberate misappropriation of a character or characters?

I've watched as Tyler Lockwood was painted as a vicious animal in the TVD fandom so that they could prop up Klaus and make Klaroline more plausible. I've watched as Tony stans have bent over backwards to absolve Tony of every bad thing he's ever done, either intentionally or through negligence, while simultaneously condemning Steve as some kind of imperialist warlord because he wears a costume with the American flag on it. I've watched as Star Wars "fans" have stripped Finn of his entire identity - his backstory as a brainwashed child in the First Order, his exceptional Force-sensitivity, his relationships with Rey and Han - and give it all to Kylo Ren to create this Ben Solo persona.

This happens in every fandom in some form or another.

And I know someone must be reading this asking themselves what all this has to do with the original ask, and while I might have gotten a little sidetracked, the point is right there. So much of fandom discourse happens because there are those vocal members of said fandom that go out of their way to antagonize those who actually like the canon material, trying to push their fanon as what really happens, and it always devolves into this back and forth that generally ruins the enjoyment that most people get out of it.

It's a question that after all my years in fandom I still can't answer: if anyone dislikes a particular show or book or movie or whatever, to the point that they completely disregard canon, then what about it keeps them there? That's bordering on hate-watching and that sounds so sad.

#ask and ye shall recieve #russianspacegeckosexparty #that turned out WAY longer than i originally intended #oh well #c'est la vie #anti stiles stilinski #anti stiles stans #anti tony stark #anti tony stans #anti kylo ren #anti kylo stans #anti klaus mikaelson #i could go on and on with the anti tags #but i won't #scott mccall defense squad #finn deserved better #tyler lockwood deserved better #steve rogers defense squad

40 notes · View notes

the-desolated-quill · 5 years

Text

Doctor Strange - Marvel Cinematic Universe blog (as requested by 1000+ followers)

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Before I start, I just want to say thank you again to all one thousand of my followers (still can’t believe it. That number just doesn’t seem real. LOL). And, as promised, here’s my review of Doctor Strange. I chose to review this movie to mark getting one thousand followers because people have been wanting me to do this review for a long time now (nearly three years in fact) and also because it was this movie, or rather my harsh criticism of this movie, that arguably cemented my reputation on this site. So here we go. Hope you feel it was worth the wait. Enjoy :)

2016. A year of ups and downs to be sure. While it will forever be infamous for the Brexit referendum result, Trump’s victory in the presidential elections and many much beloved celebrity icons dropping dead like fruit flies, it was also the year where two of my all time favourite comic book characters would finally make the jump to the big screen. The first was Deadpool. The second was Doctor Strange. Two characters I thought would never get movie adaptations on account of them both being somewhat niche products. Deadpool was a violent, anarchic parody of antiheroes like Wolverine and the Punisher, while Doctor Strange was a psychedelic fantasy story focused on existentialism and Zen philosophy as well as having its themes and influences deep rooted in various Asian cultures and mythologies. Not exactly mainstream. And yet, against all the odds, both movies found great success at the box office. The difference being Deadpool managed to stay true to the tone and themes of the source material, whereas Doctor Strange... oh dear.

Now my long term followers will be very much aware of my stance on this movie. At the time I refused to watch it due to the casting of Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One, viewing it as not only racist erasure, but also demonstrating a severe lack of understanding on the filmmaker’s part. East Asia isn’t just used as window dressing. It’s vitally important to the story as a whole, so discarding it would be incredibly moronic as well as deeply offensive. Now I’m not going to go into all the reasons why the whitewashing of the Ancient One is racist and why all the excuses Marvel gave at the time was bullshit as I’ve already explained these reasons ad nauseum various times before. If you’re curious, read Doctor Yellowface And The Bullshit Machine, where I explain it all in excruciating detail. Here I’m just going to say that this movie is racist. That’s not my opinion. It’s demonstrably, objectively, scientifically, factually and literally true. If you think otherwise, you’re an idiot. Period. Full stop. End of discussion. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200. With this in mind, when I sat down to watch this for the first time, I expected to be angered and outraged by it throughout. But I wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a bad movie and a bad adaptation of Doctor Strange, but honestly the most remarkable thing about this movie is how unremarkable it is. Which is a problem in more ways than one, but now we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Lets start with the things I liked. Don’t worry. This won’t take long. There really isn’t that much to like about this film frankly. Even the bits I like have massive caveats to them.

My first shiny gold star has to go to Benedict Wong as Wong. Now as much as I love the comics, I’ll be the first to admit it has massive problems when it comes to how it presents Asian characters. So I’m pleased to report that Wong is the only aspect of the film that’s actually better than the source material. Whereas comic book Wong was Doctor Strange’s manservant, movie Wong plays more of a mentor role in Strange’s story. He’s the librarian of Kamar-Taj, guarding the sacred tomes, and is actually at a higher rank than Strange, which I love. It’s a good shift that refreshes the dynamic between them, and Benedict Wong’s deadpan delivery is exceptional. I just wish we could have spent more time with Wong and Strange. Maybe see Wong actually teach him something.

The second praiseworthy element of the film is the visual effects. This film was nominated for an Academy Award and... yeah, can’t argue with that. The CGI is fairly good for the most part. My favourite part of the whole film was when the Ancient One shows Strange the multiverse for the first time. The visual effects team clearly had a lot of fun coming up with weird and wonderful worlds that we only get a short tantalising glimpse of. (the dimension of hands gave me the shivers). This sequence came the closest to realising Steve Ditko’s vision in my opinion. Beyond that all we see for the rest of the movie is the poxy mirror dimension, which admittedly is cool at first, but quickly becomes dull and repetitive each time its trotted out. There’s even an entire fight sequence between Strange, Mordo and Kaecilius in a distorted version of New York, which would have been impressive if Christopher Nolan hadn’t done it first in Inception. And the less said about the technicolor monstrosity that was the Dark Dimension, the better.

Finally there’s Benedict Cumberbatch as Strange himself. I know some people were disappointed that Marvel didn’t racebend the character and I would have preferred that to, but if we must have a white guy in the role, I’m glad it’s Cumberbatch. He does a decent job in the role and there are moments where Strange almost leaps from the page and onto the screen.

Almost.

Because that’s the problem. Cumberbatch does the best he can, but he’s ultimately let down by the script. This film has a lot of issues, but by far the biggest is the title character. He may be called Doctor Strange, but he’s really Doctor Strange in name only. I was a massive fan of the comics growing up and I’m telling you this guy isn’t Doctor Strange. At least not the Doctor Strange I remember. And the weird thing is this seems almost by design. In order to show him to a mainstream audience, Marvel seem to have felt the need to completely sanitise the character, removing everything about him that made him unique and interesting in order to fit the expectations of the lowest common denominator.

Let me explain.

People often compare Strange unfavourably to Iron Man, and I can understand why to a certain extent. Both represent the epitome of white privilege and materialist obsession and their origin stories focus very heavily on criticising and deconstructing these inherently selfish and unlikable characters. Iron Man is about forcing a capitalist industrialist to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions, whereas Doctor Strange is about forcing an egocentric man to care about the wider world outside of his own bubble of privilege. Both may sound similar, but there’s a key difference between the two. Iron Man’s origin revolves around responsibility whereas Doctor Strange’s origin revolves around relativity. This needs to be understood if you’re going to attempt to adapt Strange and director Scott Derrickson doesn’t seem to understand that at all.

The fatal mistake Derrickson makes with this movie is that he’s trying to make Strange like Iron Man without fully understanding what made the first Iron Man movie good and what sets Strange apart. He’s clearly hit upon the arrogant, egocentric thing, but the problem is people exhibit arrogance and egocentricity in different ways. The comics understood this. Iron Man’s arrogance takes the form of this charismatic, devil may care kind of attitude, whereas Strange’s arrogance was more along the lines of an Ebenezer Scrooge type figure. Someone who’s cold and uncaring. Someone like...

Yeah! Someone like Dr Gregory House from the TV series House M.D.

See, if Iron Man is like Elon Musk, Doctor Strange is like House. Both are arrogant, but in different ways. So to see movie Strange acting all smug and making quips and one liners just didn’t feel right. Which is not to say Strange can’t be funny. The comics had their humorous moments, but it’s not the same kind of humour as Iron Man. Strange should be more cutting. More snarky. He needs to have more of a bite to him. Instead we get the poor man’s version of Robert Downey Jr.

But wait, because it’s actually worse than that. It’s not just Strange’s personality that’s different. Our perception of him is different too. The first Iron Man movie was extremely clear in how we should view Tony Stark. The gambling, the drinking, his lack of responsibility and the way he takes his friends and co-workers for granted. We’re clearly not supposed to like him. That’s why his character arc works. We’re seeing this selfish individual realise how selfish he is and try to make amends. Strange should be similar. He’s a callous arsehole who won’t lift a finger to help someone if the case isn’t interesting enough, seeing it as beneath him. So when the car accident occurs, him getting nerve damage in his hands feels less like a tragedy and more like karma. The universe punishing Strange for his selfish behaviour and forcing him to change. In the movie however, he doesn’t seem like that at all. In fact kind of the opposite. He doesn’t object to helping his ex girlfriend get a bullet out of a patient’s head and he seems to get on well with most of his colleagues, including his ex. Sure he’s a bit of a dick, but he still seems nice enough. The only time we see his Scroogeness come out is after the accident, at which point it’s hard to hate him even after he berates his ex because he’s a decent guy who’s understandably frustrated, which absolutely should not be the case. Strange is a bastard who cares for no one but himself. We’re not supposed to like him. But Marvel and Disney are so preoccupied about getting bums on seats that they’ve actually managed to strip away all the elements that make Strange Strange.

And then there’s the origin story itself, which the film gets completely wrong. Sure the basic elements are still there. Strange, in a last ditch effort to save his hands, travels East to see the Ancient One (except the Ancient One is now in Nepal instead of Tibet because of the Chinese market, but apparently they still can’t cast an Asian person as the Ancient One even though the film no longer has anything to do with Tibet and therefore there should be no issue. Marvel are racist dicks. Case closed), but beyond that everything is changed. In the comics, the Ancient One refuses to heal Strange’s hands because he’s a selfish arsehole who deserves no pity or help from anyone, but then when Baron Mordo tries to assassinate the Ancient One, Strange does the first selfless thing he’s ever done in his miserable life and tries to warn the Ancient One despite having his mouth magically sealed shut by Mordo. Then it’s later revealed that his mouth wasn’t sealed shut at all, and that the Ancient One knew all along Mordo was planning to assassinate him and was merely testing Strange, at which point he invites the good doctor to practice magic in order to stop Mordo in the future. In the movie however, Strange gets kicked out by the Ancient One only to then promptly get let back in after banging on their front door for several hours and gets taught all these spells despite showing no sign of selflessness or willingness to change whatsoever. Oh yeah, and Strange and Mordo are now total besties.

Do you see what I mean about this being a bad adaptation? There’s no longer any conflict. No character arcs. No one learns anything. Everything is just hunky dory and Strange is just magically a good person now. This is truly shit writing.

Everything about this movie seems to have been designed to be as bland and uncomplicated as possible. All the Asian influences and philosophies have been surgically removed to make way for a generic, knock-off Hogwarts for Dummies. The interesting plots and themes have been replaced with a by-the-numbers save the world plot. Even the lore has been simplified to an almost insulting degree. Take the Eye of Agamotto for instance. A powerful magical artefact created by and named after the most powerful sorcerer that ever lived.... reduced to a fucking Infinity Stone.

Oh and the Cloak of Levitation now has a mind and personality of its own because why the fuck not? Who wants to watch something intelligent or philosophical? Lets just make a shitty cross between Harry Potter and Mr. Bean.

And then... there’s the white saviour stuff.

Now I confess I haven’t read the comics for quite some time, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure Strange didn’t have a photographic memory. Yet in the movie, that’s the convenient explanation we’re given for why Strange is somehow able to learn complex spells in a matter of days. Spells that are apparently meant to take years to learn, like astral projection and time manipulation. Now the comics had this problem too, what with proclaiming that Strange is not only the Sorcerer Supreme, but the most powerful Sorcerer Supreme that’s ever lived, as though his white skin were like the star power-up from Super Mario Bros, but the movie seems to go out of its way to double down on this bollocks. Oh sure, we see him struggle to create magic portals every now and then, but it doesn’t hide the fact that he’s somehow able to create mirror worlds and time loops despite having little to no training whatsoever. He’s like Rey from Star Wars. He can just pull any random super power out of his arse when the script requires him too.

So having completely botched Strange’s characterisation and journey, how are the rest of the supporting cast? Well like I said, I like this new Wong, even though he’s criminally underused. As for the other characters, it’s a pretty forgettable bunch.

Lets start with the elephant in the room. Tilda Swinton. Having heard all the excuses under the sun as to why Marvel and Disney simply had to cast a bald white woman wearing a bathrobe in an Asian role, I was expecting something pretty spectacular from Swinton, especially after all the praise critics gave her. Instead we get... well... a pretty dull character actually. In fact I’d go as far to say that this is the blandest and most uninspired performance I think I’ve ever seen Swinton give. There’s just nothing there. Now admittedly the Ancient One wasn’t all that complex or well developed in the comics neither, being little more than a racial caricature, but I thought the whole reason they whitewashed the character was to make him/her ‘enigmatic and ethereal.’ Instead we just get the same generic mentor figure we’ve seen dozens of times before. All the stuff about her tapping into the powers of Dormammu to increase her lifespan could have made her more interesting, but the film never fully capitalises on this revelation before she kicks the bucket.

Baron Mordo is pretty much just dead weight, with the great Chiwetel Ejiofor utterly wasted in the role. He’s essentially reduced to being yet another black sidekick for the white lead. Again, the comic book version isn’t all that great neither, but the movie replaces this camp pantomime villain with absolutely bugger all. We don’t get to see any real conflict between him and Strange until the very end and even then it doesn’t really make sense. Mordo is a stickler for rules and so gets pissy with Strange when he breaks the rules in order to save the world, to which I can only ask... what else could he have done? I didn’t see you come up with any bright ideas Mordo, you fucking moron.

Rachel McAdams... exists.

Seriously, why is she in this movie? Why does Doctor Strange need a love interest? Why not just wait and introduce Clea? I could get behind using an ex girlfriend to display how selfish and narcissistic Strange is (a bit cliche I admit, but this is an MCU film we’re talking about. I’m not exactly expecting Citizen Kane here), but as I said before, the two seem to get on quite well. And other than stitching up a stab wound, Christine Palmer pretty much does nothing throughout the majority of the film. So what is she even doing there?

Also it appears the film’s racism doesn’t just extend to Asian people because it turns out Christine Palmer is actually Night Nurse in the comics. The same mantle Claire Temple has, who appears in Marvel’s Netflix shows. Not only does this come off as quite alarmingly racist, it’s also just plain weird. For all their boasts about wanting to create a shared universe, Marvel seems to spend every opportunity it can find to keep the Netflix stuff at arms’ length, to the point where you question why they’re even in the same continuity in the first place. If Strange must have some human connection, why couldn’t it have been Claire Temple? For one thing, Claire’s character is much more interesting than Christine’s (and Rosario Dawson is a much better actor than McAdams. Sorry, but it’s true), and it would be a great opportunity to bridge the gap between the movies and Netflix shows without having to bog the narrative down with exposition. But as I’ve said numerous times in the past, Marvel are more interested in creating a BIG shared universe than a coherent one.

Finally there’s the villains. Nearly always the worst aspect of any MCU film and Strange is no different. We have Kaecilius, played by Hannibal’s Mads Mikkelsen whose performance is more wooden than Pinocchio, and Dormammu, played by Benedict Cumberbatch who seems to be competing with Andy Serkis as to who can play the most CGI/motion capture characters. Both, unsurprisingly, are shite. Kaecilius wants to save the world from death by allowing Dormammu to destroy it.

I don’t get it either.

So you’re probably wondering who was Kaecilius in the comics. I mean I’ve explained everything else, haven’t I? And honestly, I haven’t the faintest idea. Turns out he was a henchman of Baron Mordo who I completely forgot about because he barely ever shows up in the comics. So... they turned Baron Mordo into the black sidekick so that the villain could be played by a white guy. Oh. And guess what race Kaecilius is in the comics.

YYYYYep. He’s Asian. I guess all the Asian actors were sick that day, so they had to cast a white guy.

Oh and you’ll never guess what his backstory is. You’re right! He has none! Other than references to some tragedy, we know absolutely fuck all about him. Critics actually liked this movie?!?!

Oh and don’t get me started on the humour.

Kaecilius: “Mr...?”

Strange: “Doctor.”

Kaecilius: “Mr. Doctor?”

Strange: “No, it’s Strange.”

Kaecilius: “I guess so. Who am I to judge?”

Dear God, someone was paid to write that.

Then there’s the Big Bad Dormammu from the Dark Dimension. (Yes, the same Dark Dimension from Agent Carter and nope, that’s never referenced. In fact this doesn’t even look like the same Dark Dimension as the one from Agent Carter. Although, to be fair, I’d want to forget Season 2 happened as well considering how fucking terrible it was, but come on guys!). In the comics Dormammu is a mystical entity that has a quote ‘unnatural obsession with our material universe’. Could be interesting to explore. Oh but I forget, this is an MCU film. They don’t want interesting. They want safe. So instead we get a purple, floating CGI head and the generic destroyer of worlds archetype. (In fact Dormammu weirdly has more in common with Galactus than the actual Dormammu. Sometimes I wonder if anyone at Marvel Studios have ever even so much as glanced at one of their own comics before).

In conclusion, is this the worst film I’ve ever seen? Admittedly no. It’s not that bad. If you switch your brain off, I can imagine someone having a good time with this film. But you see that’s the problem. You shouldn’t have to switch your brain off to enjoy Doctor Strange. If anything the opposite is true. The comics, despite their faults, were intelligent, surreal and thought provoking, asking questions about our universe and our place within it. Steve Ditko (and only Steve Ditko. The late Stan Lee may have put pen to paper, but it was ultimately Ditko’s ideas and vision, which makes the gratuitous Stan Lee cameo in this film particularly galling to me) created something truly captivating in Doctor Strange. Despite the racial caricatures and white saviour tropes, I still love these comics because of how it explores the world and our relation to that world. How we are just small cogs in a massive and intricate machine. It’s truly groundbreaking and would influence many other comics to come. The Doctor Strange movie doesn’t even begin to do that. It won’t influence anyone. It won’t make anyone think or question their role in the cosmos. In fact, three years later, despite being a huge box office success, it’s largely been forgotten. And that’s a crying shame because Strange deserves so much more.

Doctor Strange may not be the worst comic book movie ever made, but it’s a terrible adaptation of the source material. Anything that made it unique or interesting was carefully removed with surgical precision under the guise of making it more progressive, when in reality they just wanted to make it profitable. But profitable doesn’t mean good, and Doctor Strange doesn’t even come close to being a good movie. I would love to have seen what a director like David Lynch or Ang Lee would have done with this psychedelic material. This movie could and should have been the most intelligent and surreal comic book movie that’s ever been made. A perfect opportunity to allow a visionary filmmaker to go wild and express themselves artistically. Instead it’s just another MCU movie. It’s such a shame.

And people wonder why I’m worried about Deadpool joining the MCU.

#doctor strange #marvel cinematic universe #review #spoilers

18 notes · View notes

daddyconfessions · 5 years

Text

sugar tales: Big Madre

I ran across Big Madre’s profile on SD.com. It was 2006 and I had recently joined the site. I sent the first message, she replied and several messages later we moved to email so we could exchange pics. Email would be the primary source of contact. Texting was fairly new to me in 2006. Hell I still had a flip phone as I recall.

After a few days of emails we met up for drinks. Big Madre was plus sized. At least 225 in the size 12 to 14 range. Despite her size, I liked the jelly. Sexy. BM was from the Honduras I think, and had been living in America most of her life. Jet black hair, nice brown skin tone, big ass and a little pudgy in the midsection. Still she was a good looking girl and probably was even more pretty several years prior and before the kids. Our first date we met at a bar of her choosing. Pretty happening place. I remember just being happy to be out a date. I hadn’t been too lucky on SD.com.

We sat outside in the spring evening and got to know each other over drinks. I can’t remember the conversation enough to quote, but the gist of her story was pretty dismal. She was separated from hubby. Yet, they still lived in the same house sleeping in separate bedrooms. They’re weren’t intimate either. Hubby refused to give her a divorce and pretty much didn’t give her any money. If she wanted to leave she would have to do it on her own. He also refused to pay for daycare and because she was married she couldn’t get social assistance to pay for it either. So she couldn’t go to work. No way to lift herself out of her situation because of the toddlers. Family support was out of the question. Culture and Catholicism as she explained, made divorce difficult, if not impossible. In fact, her fam encouraged her to work things out with him. “Do it for the kids mija.” Poor girl. She couldn’t do one for the other. Trapped. That’s where I came in. Cap’n Save’em. Up up and away!!!!

It was a lot to lay on a newbie like me though. I wasn’t that strong financially or mentally yet. Gosh, I was just happy to be going out on a date with the promise of getting some kitty. Didn’t know it would be this dark and grimey. After drinks we said our goodbyes but I couldn’t tell she wasn’t interested in me. Maybe I let her talk to much? Somehow I slipped from being a potential benefactor and lover to a cool friend? We spoke sparingly over the next few days. Very dry. And then one day I made an offhand sexual comment. Not sure what I said, but it was enough to change the tone. The conversation went from dry and flat to sexy and playful. We met again within a couple of days : )

I picked her up from a friends and I could tell right away this was going to be a different date. She was into me. Even brought it up. Big Madre told me she hadn’t been feeling me at first. No attraction. “But then you started playing with me and I kind of got excited,” she said. “I don’t know. It just turned me on.” She had even told her friend how she’d met me but I wasn’t doing it for her.

Big Madre made me the man I am today. I’ve had a lot of questions on what I look like. Why I’m so successful in the sugarbowl. Why so many girls. I just figured out early on having money wasn’t enough. I guess its worth mentioning these days it doesn’t’ take much. LOL. You got cash, she’s giving up the ass. But back in 2006, a Daddy needed some game to nab a SB. Money was just a tool as opposed to a necessity. Just IMHO. I needed to know how to talk to women. Understand them. Had to have a good haircut. Nice clothes and shoes. I needed to be confident too. More importantly, I needed the ability to reach inside them and turn on their interest for me. I needed some player tendencies if I really wanted to be successful.

I wanted to go to dinner this time. But Big Madre was amped up. She wanted to go to a strip club. Apparently I had really got her going. We hit up a well known spot, ordered some drinks and had a pretty decent time. She wasn’t very happy though. There were a lot of girls in the club, but they weren’t too interested in us. “Some of these bitches don’t like black guys,” I remember her saying. Still we managed to get a few table dances. Mostly for her. (Turned out she liked girls too).

As we left the club, we decided to go somewhere more to our liking. More “friendly” to the likes of me. But as we drove she told me she’d rather get a room. “I wanna fuck,” she said. Wow. Just like that? I was loving the sugarbowl already! Damn. She was visibly turned on too. Rubbing my hand while I drove. Kept looking at me. Touching my leg.

I made a mental note that night to definitely polish my game going forward if chicks were going to be acting like this. : )

We found a hotel and checked in. She told me we both had to shower first before we started. I took mine first and waited on her. When she came out, she had put her top back on and pulled it down over her waist to cover her stomach. Just covering up all that sweet jelly. I wanted it all off. I wanted to see that big body. In the faint light I could see stretch marks too. But she refused. “No,” she told me as I tried to remove it. “I don’t feel comfortable taking it off.”

I got turned off. I mean I knew she was a Big’un. I had already accepted that. But her lack of confidence almost made me go limp. I’ve blogged before on confidence and this is a perfect example. Because she was ashamed of her body parts, it sort of put the spotlight on it and it became the elephant in the room. I shook it off. I had to salvage the evening. We started making out. Lots of kissing and playing with each other. Then I went down on the kitty. Wasn’t the expert I am now. Definitely no multiple orgasms where she’s pushing my head away in an attempt to escape my love. Those days would come later :) I only managed to get her aroused that night. We switched up and she began worshiping Bartholomew. She had some pretty good knowledge. She was one of the first girls to actually use saliva. She spit on him before going down as far as she could. She gagged and coughed, and I could feel her tonsils. She’d come up off him for air, panting. She’d lick the shaft while she caught her breath, slurping, going all 7-eleven and what not. When she caught her breath she’d take me in her mouth and do it all over again. Big Madre was thoughtful too. She made her way down to the twins, and gave them some enlightenment. I wasn’t used to that I had to admit. So it tickled and I jerked and twitched as she did it. By the time she stopped I was hard as a rock tho.

I put on the prophylactic and she mounted up. She tried to ride me but it wasn’t very good. So we switched to missionary. I shocked her because I threw them big ‘ol legs up around my shoulder like she weighed 120lbs. Turned her on that I was able to man handle her despite her size. “My husband acts like I’m too big,” she said. “I’m not your husband,” I told her as I proceeded to punish the kitty. My memory is foggy after that. I went hard on her for a long time. Trying to hit it at different angles. Doing circles. Different positions. All acrobatic and stuff. But I couldn’t get her to cum. She had told me days back she didn’t cum easy if not at all. I was certainly putting that claim to test and it held true I’m afraid. I couldn’t get that kitty to purr for nothing. I succumbed and let my unborn out.

I was all sweaty and tired. Catching my breath. Tired from my attempt. “Can we go again,” she asked.

“I’m done,” I told her. “Ok.” She laid on my chest.

We talked a bit more. She still had that shirt half on. I don’t know why it bothered me but it did. She asked, “You ever do threesomes?” I was like yea sometimes. “I mean with another guy?” she asked.

“Uh no,” I frowned. “I have a strict, 1 dick in the room policy. But we can do two girls.” She said ok, but I could tell she wanted two dicks at the same time. Big Madre was a freak. We got up and got dressed. It was comical watching her put on her bra and then pulling up her shirt over it. Couldn’t believe she was that subconscious about her body. Such a let down.

I was kind of over her after that. Still we kept exchanging emails, remaining playful and flirty. She escalated. Started sending me naked pics of all that jelly. Kitty shots and stuff. Then one day she emailed that hubby had hit her a few times. Pushed her. And he had gotten tighter with the money too. She was feeling really trapped and wanted me to help. But I wasn’t the man I am today. Her problems were too big for me. On top of that I had lost interest sexually. I felt she wasn’t completely open with me sexually. I met her again and gave her some $$$ to help out. No sex. But I started letting emails go and our conversation began to trail off. Last email from her she told me she had gone to a strip club and had managed to get a stripper home. I knew it was a ploy to get me back. Normally that would have turned me on but again I just wasn’t feeling her. I was like, “Oh that’s nice…” but sometime after that we just stopped talking completely.

Every now and then I wonder about her. Wonder if she made it out…Regret not doing more for her and helping. I just didnt’ have it in me. Despite the bad experience Big Madre taught me a lot. Taught me I had to have some game. I learned a lot of the women I’d be meeting would be in desperate need for money and if I wasn’t ready to spend and help these girls out I needed to take a seat. And I did. I stayed out the sugar bowl for another 2 years almost. I saw several escorts during that time. I’ll blog on that one day. :)

But, I wasn’t completely ready yet.

#daddy's journal #sugar tales

0 notes

canaryatlaw · 7 years

Text

Ugh, I don't know what's gotten into me this week, but I've officially lost all my ambition to like, get out of bed in the morning, because I woke up today and was like lol nope and went back to bed and like that's BAD but I was also pretty productive and got a lot of shit done so I don't feel that bad about it?? Lol. Anyway. I woke up again around noon and had some breakfast, then got to work putting the final touches on my LARC assignment, which was gonna be what I did when I got home today. While I was doing so I made some of the vanilla bean rice pudding I like a lot because I'd bought a whole gallon of milk (instead of my usual half gallon) with the intention of making it so I figured I should do that, and it came out quite nicely. LARC was mostly putting in citations, which is unfortunately trickier than one might hope. The word limit was 1750, and I had it down to 1710 before I added citations, but it quickly got up to like 1763 or something so I had to go back and cut words to finish it up, but ultimately I was pretty satisfied with it. Like I said yesterday, I'd probably be more nervous about it if it was actually getting graded, but since it's just a hand in it's not that big of a deal, and I don't really have to worry about my prof thinking I'm a slacker or anything since grading is anonymous, so that's helpful. After I finished the actual document I had to do a couple accompanying things that didn't take too long. After that I mostly just did a bunch of little things to take care of that needed to get done, like updating the company tumblr since it was about 5 days past its weekly update deadline, which means I had to decide if I wanted to put the posts I've reblogged about punching nazis on there, and it was a hard call, but I figured as much as I tend to get social justice-y (and probably way too political, even when I'm trying to be good) and this probably falls well outside the area of our actual subject matter, so I let that one go (but of course there will still be plenty of those on here). After a while I decided to watch some tv while still doing stuff, so I put on this week's flash episode being that I haven't gotten a chance to watch it yet, and I was pretty satisfied with it, definitely better than this week's arrow (though that's not really saying much). All the Iris and Barry stuff had me like AHHHHHHHHH SO MANY FEELINGSSSSS but I love their journey as a couple and how they're dealing with things, and as much as I understand why they wouldn't want to tell Joe about the Savitar thing, I feel like that's gonna come back to bite them in the end (because these things normally do, though if they kill him off I still s2g I will injure all of them). I loved the Caitlin/Julian stuff, and CAITLINNNNNN my poor baby you deserve so much happiness and I don't want you to ever be hurting because it's so sad!!!!! I like the Julian being on the team thing a lot though, and I think their friendship (??) could be very good for them. The villain I didn't really find all that interesting, he wasn't really the main focus of the episode anyway so it didn't matter all that much. Seeing Barry's somewhat futile attempted to change the future was kind of sad, cuz like I get that he's hoping it'll have a ripple effect or whatever but changing who captures this bad guy may change one word of the news broadcast but it probably won't change the circumstances he found himself in?? Idk, I hope he doesn't get too caught up in the little stuff on that, though I'm sure he's gonna be going nuts to try and change the future from now on. Lastly there was the Cisco/HR thing which was kind of meh because while I love Cisco I don't find HR particularly interesting, nor did I find his whole reopen star labs thing to be an interesting plot, so I hope they're able to work that into something actually interesting by the end of the season, because there's definitely a lot of potential at least. And yeah, good episode. After that I watched Suits which my dvr didn't record for some strange reason (I think frequency might've been on at the same time, but that won't be an issue anymore) and was decisively underwhelmed by the episode. I mean, the show's been going downhill for a while, and the stuff about Mike's trial was interesting, but his prison arc was pretty dry and now that he's out it's all back to "the firm!! Ahh!! What's gonna bring it down this time???" like that seems to be the problem with watching shows about private lawyers instead of government employed ones, their conflict is always gonna be like "the firm is collapsing!" and after a while it gets BORING (just ask the good wife, and all the times they split firms and reunited them and crushed them). So basically everyone was just yelling at each other for a whole episode and I wasn't very amused. I have to say though, Harvey having the idea that Mike would even ever get in front of the character and fitness board is a joke, because he wouldn't even get into law school, much less actually pass character and fitness?? Like are you shitting me??? Nor would he ever be able to get any job remotely related to law, so he needs to drop that shit now. I do feel bad for Rachel though, she's in a tough spot when it comes to that stuff. But yeah, wasn't very impressed there. After that I was out of things to watch again, so I decided I would start the minority report tv series, I think I mentioned last week that we had been talking about it in crim pro and I saw that Nick Zano was in it so of course that made me want to watch it, and it's only 10 episodes so it won't take long, I ended up watching 4 tonight. It's pretty good! I've never actually seen the movie, lol, but I know the concept and since it's set like 10 years after the movie you don't really need to know all the details of the movie to understand what's going on. I have to say though, omg, the legal implications of all of this is OFF THE WALL. Like I could probably rant for a solid hour about all of the reasons this is all incredibly unconstitutional and illegal and couldn't never happen, and they were like "oh yeah the pre-crime program before the Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional" and I like snorted because the idea of them still having a Supreme Court and it taking them SIX YEARS to overrule that is suchhhhhh a joke lol. And don't even get me started on the whole "well it wasn't set in stone" concept because that would just completely implode and legal legitimacy it had, at all. But, now that I got that out, it's a pretty cool concept. Nick Zano's character is the twin brother of the main character, who is working with a detective to try and stop the murders he still sees flashes of but without the whole pre-crime program and all its unconstitutionality, and it works pretty well I'd say, it's interesting. Nick Zano's character is kind of an asshole, but he's funny and him and their sister are very distrusting of the whole thing but he still ends up helping his brother, though their sister is like having flashes of the government taking them again and shit so that could go wrong soon. We'll see what the rest of the season brings, there's only 10 episodes so they can't really get into anything too elaborate (hopefully, anyway, because an unfinished story sucks). While watching that I did take a break to watch the premiere of Riverdale, because why the fuck not, I've been seeing promos of it for weeks now and it was on so I might as well watch it. I like know the comic strip exists but like, it's not something I've ever really read or been familiar with, so I was pretty much going in blind here. Interesting first episode. They're definitely playing on the whole oh this town is in the middle of nowhere so even though we're technically setting this in the present day we're gonna act like it's actually the 50's with some stuff. I like Veronica, she's amusing, and I like that she seems to be looking out for Betty just because it's the right thing to do. Betty is fine, seems pretty stereotypical female lead who's in love with her male best friend at this point, but that could develop more. Archie is interesting, how whole having an affair with his music teacher and them witnessing part of a murder they can't tell anyone about or they'd get caught is certainly interesting, so we'll see where that plot goes. But yeah, not bad, and that pretty much wraps up my night. It's like 1:20 am right now, so without further to do I'm going to head to bed. Goodnight peeps. Happy Friday.

#daily journal #January 2017

2 notes · View notes

mr-free-spirit · 7 years

Text

A special for "Bowser Day 2017"

NOTE: this is an update of the same post made the previous day with various typos corrected in my spare time. It was pointed out yesterday in a private message that apparently yesterday’s particular date is known as “Bowser Day”. It was explained to me what Bowser Day is. This is news to me, lol! But I thought of something - since yesterday was apparently Bowser Day, I’ve decided to share something special on here. I was originally going to share this yesterday on the day itself, but I’m afraid I just wasn’t able to due to my busy schedule. So here it is today instead. ;) The following is an actual planned future portion of my “Long-Haired Luigi” comic strip that I haven’t drawn yet. I’m going to give you guys a “sneak peek” by sharing it in story form (it will, of course, be completely illustrated for the comic strip far later down the road). And, of course, it stars Bowser. Thise of you familiar with kitchy, spoofy sixties movies might recognize what this whole bit is aping… but even if you don’t get the joke, I hope all of you observing Bowser Day still enjoy it! ;D (P.S. I don’t have time for my best writing or correcting typos, so please excuse any you find.) - Cackletta, of course, cackled at her remarkably excellent fortune. Here, plotting away in her new hideout as she gloated, she would not only get to take over The Mushroom Kingdom, but this new land called California as well. She entered the automatic door to her main chamber, where some of her assistants were busy overseeing a large metal, tablelike disc with only a single centered leg below to support it off the floor. On top of the huge disc lay Bowser. Lying on his back spread-eagled, his shell removed and stored only heaven knew where, his wrists and ankles bound to the disc’s surface by solid metal bands, and looking pissed as all get out, Bowser was the very picture of outrage. “Leave us!” Cackletta commanded her servants, who all obediently took their leave, leaving the vile witch alone with her captive. Bowser could barely contain himself. “ALLLLL-right, I DEMAND to know, just WHAT is the MEANING of this… this… STUNT???!” he bellowed at her. “WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME???” Cackletta approached the side of his disc and explained gleefully, her voice rising more and more with ridiculous overenthusiasm, “Simple! Out of all the villains, YOU are EASILY the most desirable, and *I* have a HUGE ***CRUSH*** ON YOOOOU!!!” as she placed her face cheek to cheek with his, beaming a ridiculous toothy smile. This instantly caused Bowser to wince, his nose wrinkling as he sarcastically remarked while rolling his eyes away from her direction, “Oh GOODY. Lucky me.” Cackletta leaned up, giggling. “Oh, come now, don’t be like that!” she playfully scolded him in what was obviously intended to be in a cutesy fashion. “Why, you should be HONOURED to know that you have been chosen by the future ruler of this present existence!” Glaring at her, Bowser asked as calmly as he could, “And is this what you ALWAYS do to every single guy who catches your eye?” “Yes, of course! I strip them naked, then tie them up!!!” “Classy.” “Yes, isn’t it?” areed Cackletta enthusiastically, completely missing Bowser’s irony. “So FAR much more adventurous than ANYTHING that Princess Peach would do! Plus I outmatch her AND her appearance ANY day!” At that point Bowser couldn’t help himself. He simply started laughing. Cackletta suddenly stopped short. “And just what the heck are you laughing at?” Bowser giggled, “Oh nothing, I was just wondering, have you SEEN yourself in the mirror, lately?” Cackletta crossed her arms. “And just what is THAT supposed to mean?” “Well, you should. You’re a pathetic, weird, ridiculous, insignificant little excuse for a monster, that’s all!” “Are you saying that you actually find that blonde airheaded goody-goofy more attractive than I am?” “Who, Peach?” Bowser's eyes couldn’t helped glazing over at the mere thought of his beloved. “She’s a REAL woman, the cutest chick in town! I mean WOW, is she hot or WHAT?” Cackletta scoffed at the idea. “Hmpf! WELL, for your information, anything SHE can do, *I* can do better!!!” She immediately stormed over to what appeared to be some kind of karaoke machine. Bowser’s eyes widened in alarm, “Oh gods NO, PLEASE don’t tell me you’re gonna—!!!” But it was too late. Cacklette spent the next few minutes torturing Bowser with a screechingly atrocious performance of Madonna’s “Like A Virgin”. This has all got to be a bad dream, Bowser couldn’t help hoping to himself. Nothing exists that could torture a prisoner more than what he was being put through. Nothing! Cackletta then overenthusiastically rushed over to the object of her desire for his personal evaluation. “WELL???" Bowser eyed her. “Trust me. You don’t want my honest opinion.” “Too overwhelmed with desire for words, huh?” She started seductively playing with his hair, an action which annoyed Bowser to no end. “Well of course, that NOW means that it’s time for YOU to sing a song for ME!” Bowser turned green with nausea. “Does it, now.” “But of COURSE!!!” she cooed. “Even *I* know by now what a lovely, golden bass tone you have!” “Thrillsville.” “Come on, let’s have it!” “And if I don’t?" “Well then, in THAT case…” Cackletta cackled evilly, “…I’ll ZAP you and turn you into a PREGNANT FEMALE!” Bowser’s eyes grew wide with terror for the first time. He started to sweat nervously. “If… if I do, will you keep quiet?” “But of COURSE!” Bowser cleared his throat the best he could. Then, trying to ignore the ludicrousness of attempting to sing while held prisoner strapped to a giant metal disc table by a drooling witch, he began singing the best he could under such stressful circumstances in his best seductive tone Dusty Springfield’s “The Look of Love”. It wouldn’t have been quite so bad, actually, if it were not for the fact that Cackletta was insisting on swinging and swaying all over the place to every single note he sang — and at one pointed when he reached the words, “I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you…”, he nearly gagged and puked when she suddenly flung her arms around his head and shoulders, pressing his cheek to hers with her eyes beaming sideways at him. There MUST be some way out of this mess, Bowser thought to himself. I’ve GOT to get out of here to warn Luigi and the girls! _ Meanwhile, back in the lounge as the suspicious looking suit-clad fellow was sitting at his table… Luigi admired Princess Peach’s remarkably convincing costume; an outlandish ‘60s-esque frock topped with an enormous black chiffon wig. "You’re pretending to be an enemy spy is a stroke of genius, Peach, but… are you sure you’re acting chops are up to the job?” “Don’t worry,” she assured the others. “I was once considered one of the tops in acting plays in my college years. I can’t see this as being any different.” “Sure hope you’re right,” said Daisy. “But just remember; anything go wrong, call the calvary and we come charging in.” “You got it.” And with that, Peach was off on her way out into the heart of the lounge, walking as seductively as she could manage. “If she can only just get him to spill the beans long enough to find out what’s going on here… and who’s got Bowser…” Daisy muttered, her teeth clenching. “I hate to say this, but it makes me mad enough that I almost wish that I had the nerve to go rushing in there, just twist the guy’s arm and get it out of him myself.” “I don’t blame you, Daisy,” Luigi replied softly. “But let’s stay low for now. We don’t want to cause any more commotion we don’t have to if we can help it.” The odd, suspicious-looking fellow suddenly jolted upward with delighted shock at the sight of the costumed Princess Peach approaching him. “Well, well, WELL! And just who do I have the present pleasure of meeting?” he inquired of her. Peach flicked little sides of her wig as she spoke with the purring voice of a foreign seductive temptress. “My name is Casino Royale.” - Meanwhile, back with poor Bowser… “OK! THERE! I sang your song, you happy now?” “Oh yes, most definitely!” Cackletta cooed, “and now I can begin discussing with you my plans for world domination!” “Hey, wait a sec! You said you’d stay quiet if I sang you a song!” “But I DID stay quiet!” she replied gleefully. “Sing another one and I’ll be quiet again!” Bowser groaned, straining not to sound too exasperated. “And while I’m at it,” she added as she strolled over to a small display table, “let me demonstrate to you another example of my brilliance! Peach could NEVER top THIS!” She held high what appeared to be a tiny round pill. Bowser raised an eyebrow. “And just what is that supposed to be?” “ONLY the most brilliant secret weapon anyone has ever concocted! It looks like an aspirin. It tastes like an aspirin. But it isn’t an aspirin.” “It’s your birth control?” Bowser asked hopefully. “Don’t be funny. I’m deathly serious. The moment an unsuspecting dupe swallows this pill, it sets off a chain reaction within their genetic makeup, immediately causing exactly 1,000,000 cells within their body to each become ultrapowerful explosives, transforming the victim into a walking bomb. One by one, each little bomb will explode within their body, and once they are all detonated, the worst sort of explosion will occur, enough to level a mountain!” She smiled triumphantly at the very thought, adding, “It is also spell resistant, potion resistant, cure resistant, antidote resistant to anything and everything, making it absolutely FOOLPROOF!” “WHOA. That’s… pretty devious,” Bowser was forced to admirably admit. It also gave him an idea. “Isn’t it, though? I plan on creating several of them in order to easily do away with all of my enemies in my quest to rule all the lands,” she explained as she walked over behind Bowser’s shoulders, gently placing her long, thorny fingers upon them strokingly. “How would you like to rule by my side?” Bowser did his best to look devious, just like he did in the old days. “Why not?” “What do you mean, 'why not’? You have all of my brilliance and infallible plans right here at your disposal with me. Unless, of course…” she looked with mock concern into his face, “… you simply no longer have the stomach for it.” “Oh, I don’t know,” Bowser lied. He was positive that he sounded convincing; after all, he used to lie quite masterfully all the time way back when. “I think I’m beginning to feel a few… TWITCHES of good old-fashioned EVIL stirring inside of me… you’re simply TOO vile a partner for me to resist and pass up!” “Now you’re talking, Bowser!” Cackletta then strolled over to some sort of large storage closet, opened it, retrieved Bowser’s shell, and carried it over to him. “Here,” she said, resting it leaning against the edge of the disc. “Slip into this.” Bowser’s eyes lit up. “You mean—?” “I do!” she said as she proceeded to start unfastening the koopa king’s bonds. “Oh, WOW, thank you!” he practically yelped in relief, partially due to his being set free, but also to sound convincingly submissive. Once he was able to stand up, he picked up his shell, holding it in front of himself. “Just turn around a second, willya? I’m kinda shy.” “But of course, DAAAH-ling,” she twittered as she turned her back to him. “But hurry! Time is of the utmost essence!" Bowser watched her carefully to be certain she wasn’t looking, then quietly snatched up the pill before putting his shell back on. “Ah! MUCH better!” he breathed in relief. She turned back around, “AAAH, I trust you are now comfortable again! Now we must be off - but first, a TOAST!” She produced a bottle of some strangely evil-looking champagne along with two equally evil-looking champagne glasses with evil-looking sharply crooked stems. Enthusiastically, she filled both, then turned and handed one to Bowser. “Ah, so evil in every way! I always adore an evil dame!” Bowser snarled in pretend swooning as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, all the while managing to secretly plop the pill into the witch’s glass. When he finally released her, she breathed, “Aaaah, this is going to be SO delightful!” She picked up her own glass, clinked it to his, and they both drank deeply. After swallowing, she announced triumphantly, “To my absolute brilliance!” Bowser smirked at her. “AAAAAND you’re VERY special, absolutely BRILLIANT pill!” Cackletta frowned at him. “What are you talking about?” Bowser mimicked her voice sarcastically with, “'It LOOKS like an aspirin, it TASTES like an aspirin, but it ISN’T an aspirin!!!’” He then pointed at her with each following word while beaming openmouthed at her mockingly, “And YOU! JUST! ***SWALLOWED*** IT, LADY!!!” Cackletta stared disbelievingly at him for a moment. Finally, she managed to force out with faux confidence, “Oh, come ON, how gullible do you think I am, you stupid lunkhead?” before her body suddenly emitted a loud, wet-sounding ***FART***. Startled, she froze with realization for a moment. Then she looked in horror down at her own backside. Bowser was smirking while waving the air away in front of his nose. “Peeeeee-EWWW, BOY, you sure give new meaning to the term 'stink bomb’, don'tcha girl?” He struck an exaggerated pose as he pretended to calculate on his fingers. “Let’s see, why I DO believe that makes EXACTLY 999,999 more little bombs left to go! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to warn the others while you’re busy being the local area’s biggest supplier of natural gas!” He dashed to the nearest doorway, pausing just long enough to shout back, “Enjoy your takeover party with your crew! I’m sure they’ll all find you to be a real BLAST!” Then he was gone. Cackletta could only stand still in sheer horror as the depth of the situation sank in. Then she frantically stumbled towards her laboratory wailing, “ALKA-SELTZER!!! PEPTO BISMOL!!! ANY-THIIIIING!!!” - A few minutes later, Cackletta was frantically tossing anything she could get her hands on into a giant cauldron. “Antidote!!! Antidote!!! There MUST be an antidote!!!” ***FART*** She looked horrified. “Only 999, 964 left to GO!!!!!” She stirred and stirred wildly until the large spoon she was using melted. “AUUUUUGHHHHH!!!! MY BRILLIANTLY PERFECT PILL IS SO BRILLIANTLY PERFECT THAT EVEN ***I*** CAN’T COME UP WITH AN ANTIDOTE!!!! AUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!!!" ***FART*** "AUUUGHHH!!! 999,963!!!!!!!” - A while later in a large room where the guards were busy fighting off the local authorities, everyone was suddenly distracted by the surprising sight of Cackletta frantically running through the room from one side in sheer hysterical panic before running out the opposite side. As she did so, they all heard the following: ***FART*** "87,000!!!” ***FART*** “86,999!!!” ***FART*** “86,998!!!” After she had passed through, one guard finally couldn’t help wondering aloud, “What the heck was THAT?!!” “I don’t know,” answered a policeman present, “but whatever it was, it sure STANK high heavens!”  #cartoon #videogame #videogames #surreal #surrealism #surrealist #psychedelic #psychedelicrock #trippy #hippy #hippie #hippies #hippielife #hippielove #hippiestyle #nintendo #mariobros #mario #luigi #yearofluigi #yearofluigi4ever #yearofluigineverends #love #peace #beauty #bowser #sanfrancisco #bayarea #koopaweek #bowserday #janesbond #casinoroyale #spy #dustyspringfield #sixties #austinpowers

0 notes