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blitzendoggo · 1 year

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Caffeine Cat

Canyon is not allowed to have caffeine. This is the story of why.

No Ships (1656 words) AU where Canyon isn’t evil and the party stayed together.

The smell of perfectly cooked bacon, eggs, and toast wafts up the stairs, drawing Canyon from his heavy slumber. With his eyes barely open and his nose in the air, he pulls himself out of bed and lumbers down the stairs, mindless as a zombie.

“Good mornin’, Mr. Canyon!” Goodbid says from his spot in front of the stove. Canyon doesn’t respond, choosing instead to walk up to the half-elf, stopping a little too close, staring at the plate of eggs he has. Goodbid laughs, pulling the plate away from the overgrown cat and points at the table. Canyon turns, his mouth-watering and stomach growling, as he spots the plates of food stacked a foot high sitting at the table.

Still not fully aware of his surroundings, Canyon shoots forward intending to snatch one of the plates but crashes into S.G., falling flat on his tail before he can reach the bacon. The changeling glares -well Canyon thinks they're glaring, the lack of eyes makes it difficult to tell- down at him.

“Sorry, S.G.,” he says as he gets to his feet. “I didn’t-”

“Do not talk to me until I’ve had my morning tea,” they say, cutting him off. Canyon stares at them, confused, only for S.G. to shove past him and walk into the kitchen. They take a cup off the counter and begins to stir sugar into it.

Canyon shrugs it off and goes to the table, piling half of his body weight of food onto his plate.

Goodbid laughs from the kitchen, catching the cat’s ear.

“Jeez, S.G., would ya like some tea with your sugar?” he teases, still smiling brightly as he brings Canyon his half-gallon of milk.

“Shut up, I will take no criticism from a man who drinks black coffee like a sociopath,” S.G. huffs, striding past him and plopping down next to Canyon. “Save me some!” They snap, taking a piece of toast off of his plate and putting it on theirs.

“I wouldn’t need to if you weren’t so slow,” he says bluntly before looking at Goodbid and asking, “what’s a black coffee?”

Goodbid laughs goodnaturedly but swiftly turns confused when Canyon’s questioning gaze doesn’t waver.

“Come on Canyon, surely you know what coffee is,” he says, just short of pleading.

“No, is that some sort of drink?” the tabaxi asks around a mouth full of eggs which he swallows with a gulp of milk.

Goodbid looks to S.G. desperately, but they shrug, offering no help in Goodbid’s time of need.

“What are we arguing about?” Glib asks with a yawn as he comes down the stairs.

“Canyon doesn’t know what coffee is!” Goodbid says, still desperately trying to rationalize how the cat doesn’t know about the elixir of life that is coffee.

“Tabaxi probably don’t drink it,” Glib says from the kitchen as he pours himself a glass of cold blood before using a heating charm to bring it up to the appropriate temperature.

“You think just because I don’t know what something is, that means all tabaxi don’t?” Canyon says with a tsk.

“Wow, Glib,” S.G. says slowly. “You just had to be racist.”

“I’m not being racist!” Glib shouts back, padding into the dining room and taking his normal seat.

“Glib it is too early for you to be shouting,” Goodbid says calmly before looking to the two troublemakers, “stop antagonizing him.”

They lower their heads and grumble before Glib continues, “I just assumed that tabaxi can’t have coffee because I can’t have coffee.”

“But you're also a vampire,” S.G. points out, sipping her second cup of sugar tea.

“Even if I wasn’t, that much caffeine with my tiny body could put me in a hospital,” Glib rationalizes, dipping a piece of toast into the blood coffee before biting it.

“But Canyon is twice your height,” Goodbid points out.

“Yeah, but house cats can’t have coffee grounds,” S.G. counters.

“Whose side are you on, S.G.?” Canyon asks, laughing.

“No side, only chaos,” they say instantly, stabbing a piece of bacon with a fork.

“And even if coffee grounds are poisonous to house cats, Canyon’s a bit bigger than a regular ol’ house cat,” Goodbid points out to which Canyon nods.

“I can also have alcohol,” Canyon reasons.

“Then give him some,” Glib shrugs, “Just have healing word on stand-by in case it poisons him.”

Canyon perks up at the mention of him trying the mysterious liquid.

“Yeah sure,” Goodbid shrugs, pushing his mug over to the cat. “Drink your fill Canyon, I’ll get myself another cup.”

Canyon tentatively takes the cup and sticks his nose near the liquid before pulling away gagging.

“That smells bad,” he grumbles, pushing the cup away slightly much less interested now.

“Just try it,” Goodbid pushes.

“Goodbid, don’t be a monster, give him some cream or sugar,” S.G. chides, mage handing the milk, cream, and sugar, pouring them into the cup and swirling it with the end of their fork. “There, now it will be edible.”

He sniffs it again, agreeing with the sweeter smell before slowly lifting the mug up and taking a tiny sip. The bitter mixed with the thicker cream and sweet sugar, mellowed with milk gives the liquid a taste that Canyon was not expecting.

Glib snickers as Goodbid leans forward, “so? You like it?”

Instead of responding, Canyon upends the cup, guzzling down the warm drink in three seconds flat. Goodbid and Glib roar with laughter as S.G. tsks.

“How could you fall to the dark side,” they grumble. “We could have enjoyed tea together.”

“S.G. you know I like tea,” Goodbid says once he calms down, “I just like coffee better.”

“I like coffee,” Canyon says quickly, beginning to feel jittery and very happy. “I like it a lot.”

Goodbid and S.G. continue their mini-argument about their breakfast drinks, but Glib catches Canyon’s words.

“Aye, Kitty Soft Paws, you okay?” he says, putting his glass down.

“Yeah, I’m fine, completely fine, why wouldn’t I be?” Canyon says quickly, eyes wide and staring blankly ahead.

The argument dies down as they shoot Canyon worried glances.

“Uh…” Glib begins, pushing his seat back.

“I’m gonna go. I’m gonna go do something,” he says, standing up abruptly, the chair screeching loudly against the wooden floor.

“Uh, are his pupils supposed to be that big?” Glib asks to Goodbid.

“Canyon, have ya ever had caffeine before?” Goodbid asks slowly.

“No,” he says probably too quickly. “Is it obvious?” He starts fidgeting in his spot, tail swinging high as his ears twist and turn.

“Uh,” S.G. says slowly. “Goodbid how much caffeine was in that cup?”

“Not a lot,” the southern man says. “Not until you put a ton of sugar in it!”

“I didn’t put that much!” S.G. snaps, gesturing to the cat who is steadily twitching more and more.

“Uh, guys,” Glib says quietly. Canyon tenses and crouches low.

“Obviously you did!” Goodbid shouts back.

Canyon pins his ears.

“Guys,” Glib says a little more forcibly.

“You can’t pin this on me!” They yell.

“Guys!” Glib shouts as Canyon takes off, running on all fours, knocking over the furniture, and scratching the wood.

“Ah, shit!” Goodbid yelps, dropping to his knees as Canyon careens over his head before bounding around the table and running up the stairs.

“I don’t care which one of you did this! Y’all need to fix this shit!” Glib roars before ducking, barely missing the flying cat.

“How do you want us to fix this?” Goodbid shouts back, catching a picture that flies off the wall.

“Call Callisto damn- AH!” Glib aims for threatening but the effect is lost as Canyon grabs him by the hood and throws him around like a chew toy.

“S.G.!” Goodbid yelps as he fights with the hyperactive cat for the squishy -and screaming- frogman.

“Working on it!” The changeling snaps back.

Suddenly a portal opens in the center of their living area and a very confused Prophis steps out followed by an irritated Callisto.

Canyon, who has seemingly not noticed their presence, drops Glib and begins to run in circles around the house. He defies gravity by running up walls and carves a path of destruction as he zooms between rooms.

“Callisto do something!” Glib yells as S.G. is knocked off their feet by the speeding tabaxi.

“What do you want me to do?” Callisto asks boredly, side-stepping Canyon.

“I don’t care just some- shit!” Glib yelps as the cat throws him into the air again.

Prophis throws out a hand and, using telepathic magic, catches the blue frog and gently sets him on the ground before looking to Callisto. “Surely there is something you can do?” he says quietly.

Callisto tsks before he begins to track the caffeinated cat with his eyes. “I can do this I suppose.” He sticks out a hand and whispers a spell and as suddenly as the cat began to move, he drops to the floor, snoring loudly. “That should do it.”

Slowly, the others approach Canyon, inspecting him for any sudden movements.

“I didn’t kill him,” Callisto says bluntly. “I simply sedated him.”

“Will he… ya know, wake up?” Goodbid questions already working the mental math that it will require to lung this 7-foot-tall dead-weight cat up the stairs.

“Contrary to popular belief, I do have a heart,” Callisto hisses.

“You coulda fooled me,” Glib grumbles quietly.

Callisto shoots him a glare as he says, “The cat will wake up in two to three hours.” He turns and re-opens the portal and gestures Prophis through as he turns back to the group. “For the record, if you ever let him have even a drop of coffee again, I will make your fight with the Aragdian Royals look like child’s play.” Before the others can get a word in, he joins Prophis.

#d&dorks #repost #mystery of the canyon #mr.goodbid #glib #s.g. iguess #I just want them to be happy

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