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so-mordor-itis · 1 year

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Through Her Eyes

Synopsis: Ada observes you and Leon as you trek through the village and castle of Los Illuminados, only to realize he wasn't her little loyal pup anymore.

A/N: I wanted to try something different! I saw a lot of people writing jealous reader or jealous Leon, but I was like "No one has done an Ada POV yet, I could give it a shot. I might do a part 2 with the rest of the game if you guys would like!

Read the sequel here!

Taglist:

@izuniias , @spookluckpuck , @uhlunaro , @inaflashimagine , @amatxs , @aussiepineapple1st , @honeysoakedbandages , @boundinparchment , @tosuckmyweenis , @airanke

It was interesting, watching you two communicate. Leon had this way of shrugging his shoulders whenever he spoke, sometimes tossing his arms into the air to somehow solidify his point. You, on the other hand, were a bit carefree with your body language, Ada noticed. Quite the opposite to your companion. Perhaps it was because you were more comfortable with him, maybe you have worked with him for a longer time than she estimated. You two were discussing a plan, but Ada couldn’t get the absolute details. If she did, she would’ve most likely been seen–at least heard. The environment was rough and rocky, full of sticks and branches that easily could be broken or snagged against her outfit. She knew better.

Though she did catch a brief moment with you two when she was forced to get closer–she had grabbed her binoculars to observe some of the villagers ahead, they were carrying pitchforks and axes, glancing around like mindless dogs. How cute, such obedient little pups.

“We could split up, maybe we’d find Ashley easier that way.” You suggested, maybe adding a shrug of your own shoulders.

“No, I don’t think splitting up would be the best idea,” Leon said instantly. Ada felt her chest coil at the sound of his voice. It was deeper now, more scratchy, rugged. He had definitely seen more than what he was forced to at Raccoon City. She figured that would be the case, now being the President’s little weapon, being kept under his nose for his every beck and call. Wesker made sure to do some research on him, in case he would be a nuisance in the process of delivering the amber. You, on the other hand, were a new, unexpected addition. Perhaps another lackey the President kept hidden. But Ada couldn’t help wondering why only two people? The President’s daughter was taken here, wasn’t she? She would’ve thought Daddy would come to collect his little girl as soon as he could with an army of men at the ready. Or, he’s truly that worried for his image and was desperate to keep this under wraps because of what was at this location.

“Stuck to me like glue, huh?” You quipped. Ada heard Leon scoff, the sound of a gun being reloaded echoed throughout the area.

“I’d rather you be here than in the dirt somewhere I can’t see.” Protective, she noted. Interesting. You two must’ve been friends, at least. Then again, what did she know? He could’ve been like this with a lot of people. He definitely had a habit of being friendly, of asking questions.

“Hunnigan said the path to the lake was beyond a windmill, right? Then I guess that’s our destination.”

Ada cursed under her breath before launching herself off the roof of one of the houses. She would’ve been out in the open, easily spotted. She hunched over a barrel, checking her own guns. A few bullets had been used earlier when she rang the church bell. She didn’t know what compelled her to come back to the village area, but she found herself here, observing. Too late to complain now, the damage was done. She would book it for a different direction the moment you two were out of sight.

She poked her head out slightly, watching as your shadows came into view and then your figures. She had stopped paying attention to what you two were talking about, that wasn’t in her job description. Though she couldn’t help eyeing Leon for a second longer. His physique had certainly changed, too. He had more muscle, his eyes were tired, small gray circles under them. You were trailing behind him, holding your pistol with a tight grip. Ada noticed your eyes darting back and forth, now extremely cautious. From what she could note, you were the observer type and she had to be extra alert for anything that could cause a sound.

“Wait,” you said, stopping in your tracks. “There’s a path up ahead.” You started trekking towards it, footsteps were heavy with movement. You were in a hurry. Leon seemed to be startled slightly but quickly followed suit. Ada felt a smirk forming on her lips. He was following you so fast, like a lost puppy, just as he did with her. You had him wrapped around your finger and didn’t even realize it. Ada was convinced if Leon had a tail, it would surely be wagging. He was under your spell.

“Still a good boy, huh Leon?” Ada murmured to herself.

–

After saving Leon from nearly being crushed to death by a taller man–Luis called him the ‘big cheese’ of the village–Ada had lost track of you two by the time night fell across the village. This was good. It allowed her to carry through with the delivery of the amber with no trouble. No more distractions.

At least, until Luis found himself caught in between two messes.

From a rock, Ada discovered what seemed to be a battle for survival in a nearby, abandoned house. She noticed your figure and then Leon’s, and then her little carrier pigeon. You three were scrambling around one another, fighting off Gnado after Gnado, scraping by with the skin of your teeth. Ah, she would’ve helped, surely, but she had bigger priorities. She knew Luis could handle himself and if it truly was time for her to rescue someone she’d do what she needed to. She had at least one grenade she could spare if she truly had to.

It wasn’t necessary, you three pulled through somehow. Ada had told Leon he had some unique version of dumb luck, and it seemed it still carried through.

Luis found her later, desperate to catch his breath. She reminded him of the deal, of the amber. He was annoyed, clearly, but he knew what he had to do.

Once Ada arrived at the castle, she started to notice some little attributes of you and Leon. The both of you were a good team–you have saved him countless times, pulling him towards you when an axe was about to slice his throat, shooting over his shoulder when he couldn’t see an enemy. Ada had to admit you were skilled, and it was no wonder you two were there to protect little Miss Graham. The girl was petrified of the whole thing. She reminded Ada of a doe-eyed lamb, sheltered from the dangers of the world until only recently.

Before Ada encountered Leon in the castle, she had accidentally found you two–not three, the girl must’ve been taken away, the two of you probably running yourselves ragged trying to retrieve her again. Ada quickly hid in a spot she knew she wouldn’t be found. You had requested Leon stop for a second, sliding down the wall of a hallway to catch your breath.

“You alright?” Leon asked softly.

“Just peachy,” you snapped, gritting your teeth once first aid spray hit raw skin. You had an open wound, skin sliced open, red flowing to the floor. “Sorry, it just hurts like hell.”

“No, I get it,” Leon said he didn’t have much on him but guns and some herbs, but Ada watched as he grabbed a tablecloth from one of the stands. “Surely they wouldn’t mind if we borrow this?”

You looked at him with big eyes full of gentleness and wonder, of awe and inspiration, the same way he had to her, and she realized that it wasn’t just Leon that was under a spell. Though you immediately hardened your gaze when you realized he was now looking at you.

“There, that should hold you. For a while, I’d hope. Wouldn’t want you to bleed on their fancy carpet.”

“Oh, the horror.” You feigned concern.

Did you two even realize you were flirting? Did you even realize that when you were scourging through your bag, Leon had a softer look on his face? Was watching you with such intent, with such curiosity?

Ada sighed, loading her pistol. She wouldn’t be able to drag him with her this time, but that was fine.

She could find some other way.

#resident evil x reader #resident evil 4 #resident evil imagines #resident evil #resident evil 4 remake #leon kennedy resident evil #leon kennedy imagines #leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy #leon x y/n #leon x you #ada wong #ada wong resident evil

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essektheylyss · 1 month

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This was entirely tangential to this post from @utilitycaster which is why this is its own post, but the tags made me think about what feels most compelling about Liliana to me, and it's really because there's such an interesting approach to redemption in terms of the sunk cost fallacy to be had there.

There have been plenty of comparisons between Liliana and Essek, but I don't think they're really situations that can be compared. Essek had done one horrible thing (that was of relevence to the story; it is implied that he's taken other actions that he feels were wrong, but we don't know what those entail nor do the Nein care enough to ask, so per narrative convention, they do not matter for analysis) and was only still involved in it to the extent that he couldn't take it back, so to survive he had to continue covering his tracks. But he was also incentivized to otherwise act in alignment with the group that was not those on behalf of whom he had made terrible choices, because he was still living in the Dynasty, and as such wasn't actively perpetuating those actions beyond the cover up.

Liliana on the other hand is acting with the Vanguard and has been furthering if not personally committing atrocities on their behalf for a number of years, continuing to the present. Like Essek, she believes her involvement in the cause to be a difficult choice that was made for noble reasons, and now can't see a way out. But she is also relieved to be told to stay, though at the point that they discuss her leaving, she is alone and outside the immediate range of contact or oversight from the Vanguard. It seems reasonable that she could disappear with a decent headstart, and perhaps become untraceable quickly enough to be safe from anyone following. With this context, returning to the Vanguard with the intention of feeding information to the opposition feels like the riskier choice, but crucially it is the devil she knows.

I actually liken this more to Cassandra de Rolo than Essek. Cassandra was manipulated against her brother by the Briarwoods, but this was also spurred by having watched Percy seemingly leave her for dead. There are legitimate reasons why the Briarwoods, as the people who rescued her and then kept her alive for many years, are the easier option in which to place her trust. She knows what she's getting from that vantage point and how to handle it. She doesn't inherently have faith that someone she only knew as a young and helpless child, who ran from the hardships she's faced, would have the strength or willingness to do what she has found necessary for survival.

I think that Liliana's actions are more willful, not least because she was not a child nor in mortal peril when she joined the Vanguard, but she sees herself as having made difficult choices when only faced with difficult options, and I do think they have been difficult. She didn't want to leave her family; she doesn't want to hurt the young Ruidusborn under her care; she is probably genuinely sorry that innocent people were considered a necessary sacrifice for what she sees as the greater good. It is psychologically taxing to feel as though one is always picking between bad options, which is a significant contributing factor for why people buy into a sunk cost for so long. And over time, those hard decisions become easier, because you know what to expect from the outcome. Though Liliana is well aware that she might be killed for a misstep among the Vanguard, she already knows how to act to maintain their favor, but how she might be received on Exandria by those fighting the Vanguard, even with the Hells vouching for her, is anyone's guess.

This is a very real reason why people remain in cults and struggle to push back against this kind of conditioning: because the decision to leave feels more immediately perilous than the decision to stay. (On a certain level making these kinds of choices and actions habitual is a fundamental basis behind a lot of military conditioning.) And if you are acting in the interests of your own survival, but that survival comes at the cost of that of countless others who have not, in fact, made any threat or harm against you to begin with, then is the nature of your survival morally defensible?

This analysis isn't a question of whether Liliana will commit to her role as double agent and turn fully against the Vanguard, or even which one of these is a "better" story; this is about what the story might say if she doesn't. Yes, she might commit to a different path than the one she's on and make an effort to redeem herself, but it is also a perfectly coherent and interesting story if she doesn't.

#sometimes it really feels like people just. pick a character name out of a hat #and then decide that that character must get what the person feels they deserve regardless of the rest of the existing text #instead of like... considering the text for the story that has already been told and what it might still say from that vantage point #cr meta #liliana temult #essek thelyss #cassandra de rolo #critical role #anyway do not know admittedly how coherent this is but I gotta finish up my work day so I'm posting it. yolo

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exeggcute · 5 months

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well it's been almost six months which I think is long enough to break my posting embargo, so, uh: guess what! I got liposuction lol. specifically hip/thigh lipo to quell some pretty wicked dysphoria that stemmed from having such a feminine silhouette… and I have to say I'm really, really pleased with the results.

tbh my initial plan was to keep things under wraps for good which is why I haven't said anything about it yet (and even as I'm typing this up I keep debating whether to post it or trash it)—partly because I was/am worried people might Act Weird about it and partly because I get a little embarrassed talking about bodygendershit in general. but here we are. one reason I do feel compelled to finally share, other than being super happy about how everything went, is that I haven't encountered a lot of discussions about body sculpting as a possible avenue of gender-affirming care (although, to be fair, maybe I just haven't been looking in the right places) and I figured at least one person out there would be interested to learn about what I did and where I've ended up so far.

anyway. pics/details under the cut—nothing even remotely risqué (or yucky), I just know that body image stuff is fraught + not everyone is eager to hear surgery talk.

to be precise: I got tumescent liposuction of the inner and outer thigh, plus this ultrasound thing to help the skin shrink. a different surgeon who I consulted (but ultimately did not go with for a number of reasons) said that even if I got the results I wanted from lipo, which he claimed was unlikely, the affected skin would look loose/baggy/weird forever... and that surgeon was wrong on both counts lol. my elasticity was great bitch!!!!

they didn't take out that much fat overall, only eight pounds or so, but it's way more about the Where than the How Much. my actual surgeon (who kicks ass btw) said lipo isn't that great for weight loss per se, and what it's really good for is sculpting targeted areas—so basically exactly what I did. six months post-op I actually weigh about the same as what I did pre-op, but the distribution has held steady; more weight goes to my stomach now and less, proportionally, goes to my hips since there are fewer fat cells in that area now. so my silhouette retains its new shape!

the overall change is admittedly on the subtle side, since I'm pretty short and have wide hip bones (and you can't change your literal skeleton) but it's still gone a looooooong way. the main thing I requested from my surgeon was "I want to fit in men's pants" and boy did he deliver.

also a good place to note that if you're in the las vegas area looking for a plastic and/or cosmetic surgeon—this guy is board-certified in both btw—then I absolutely have the guy for you. feel free to DM me for details. lipo is clearly his specialty (and it shows!) but he also does a lot of breast revisions/mastopexy (i.e., fixing implants that other surgeons did a bad job putting in), regular implants, and face work (particularly facial feminization surgery). one thing that sold me on this guy was an enthusiastic yelp review from a local stripper who said he hid the incisions for her breast lift in her armpits so none of her clients would notice that she'd had work done... a true master of his craft

okay you've scrolled enough so I'll give you what you're here for lol. I don't have many pre-op pics because I was obviously unhappy with how I looked and was not taking full-body selfies on a regular basis, but here's a few I took ~2 weeks beforehand:

these super thin men's joggers were my go-to dysphoria pants, to the point where I bought five pairs in different colors, but now they're so baggy on me that they have the opposite effect and make it look like I have wider hips than I do. so I retired them from my wardrobe...

...except not immediately because I had to wear compression garments 24/7 for the first three months post-op and these joggers were just loose enough to comfortably wear a medical girdle underneath them at all times, 110° degree temperatures be damned. (not that I was going out much for the first month since I was soooooooooooo fucking bruised and sore lol.) here's a few post-op pics in the same style pants:

(first pic is less than 24 hours post-op, about to go to my follow-up appointment, looking greasy as fuck because I wasn't allowed to shower yet; second pic two days post-op and also post-shower, thankfully; third pic is about a month post-op.)

so, like, CLEAR improvement already. I will not be posting pictures of my black-and-blue-and-swollen-all-over legs but considering how puffy I was from getting internally pummeled with a cannula it's wild that I still saw improvement literally as soon as I came home.

recovery was obviously not a blast in the moment but I got off easy, all things considered. I was supposed to get drains put in and was Not looking forward to that at all lol. the first thing I asked when I woke up after surgery was "how many drains?" because they weren't sure if I'd end up needing two or four, but it turned out the answer was zero. no drains!!!

I did have to lie with my feet elevated for the first two weeks straight, and had major bruising that receded over the first month (you could barely see my regular skin underneath all the mottled spots), but little to no nerve pain, no weird complications, and I was more or less back to normal after six weeks. also noelle took very very good care of me and was brave about injecting me with blood thinners so I wouldn't get clots and die :)

when I went into it I was fully expecting to get huge vertical scars up and down the sides of my legs (and had made peace with it!) but instead I wound up with four tiny incisions like this, each less than two inches long:

what's totally crazy is that the scars are basically Gone now. like even when I'm trying to find them I struggle to locate the ones in the front. I joked to noelle that if someone did an autopsy on me they might not figure out that I'd had cosmetic surgery, especially since the skin on my thighs is back to its normal color and texture. (in this scenario I like to imagine that it's dana scully giving me the autopsy and I'm in an x-files plot where instead of regular lipo I got alien lipo and mulder figures it out purely by accident.)

with lipo it can take up to a year to see the full results but I already feel so much fucking better in my body that seeing old pre-op pics throws me for a loop. and I can absolutely wear men's pants now—pants for short and stocky men, to be fair, but actual regular men's pants and not exclusively Pants For Men With Huge Butts And Legs. which is the only style I could even hope to fit in before. and even then it was a stretch.

big pic dump of shitty mirror selfies taken over the last few months:

(also I really debated sharing this one but I already included it in the yelp review I left my surgeon so fuck it: here's a tasteful before-and-after in my undies where you can see my bare legs for easier comparison. left pic is one week pre-op, right pic is about five months post-op. including it as a link instead of embedding it in the post in case your boss happens to be reading over your shoulder at this very moment. also this is the one and only time you will ever see me stripped down on tumblr dot com so don't get used to it lol.)

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ash-and-starlight · 5 months

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Books of 2023

the list nobody asked for <3

My reading habits had gone a bit stagnant in the past couple of years so this year i made the effort to engage in reading again and wow books really are good!! who would have thought! Sharing this year's book log with the small reviews i did while reading yeah i am That kind of list lover if u feel like being nosy, (and maybe even help mi crowdsource reading recs based on my likes 👀🤲?)

The left Hand of Darkness - Ursula K. Le Guin Ursula i Need to know your thoughts on omegaver- [gunshot] THAT ASIDE yeah. mrs Le Guin you've done it again. I can see why everyone got their brain chemistry altered by this book.

The Membranes - Chi Ta-Wei another brain chemistry altering book. would love to discuss it with a gender studies major lmao

Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie its a v atmospheric and poignant story, I know I would have loved it more if I was familiar with the rich religious/cultural background it draws from

The Masquerade Series - Seth Dickinson Crazy insane in the membrane about this series. one of the most compelling worldbuildings I've ever seen, and most importantly it features one of the most crazy wet pathetic scrunkly meow meow protagonists i've ever had the pleasure of reading about.

Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides i liked the writing style of this book a lot! idk how well it holds up re: intersexuality topic, but its a very engaging read.

Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity, Patriarchy, and the Fear of Female Power - Jude Ellison, Sady Doyle The title says it all honestly, its a beautiful, thought provoking and engaging essay, spanning eras, pop culture phenomenons, and real life events on the topic of women and horror.

The cat who saved books - Sōsuke Natsukawa this was so cute and heartfelt, it will really make you go Ah Yes, this is Why we Love Books <333

The Locked Tomb Series - Tamsyn Muir now when people say there is a girl who is the cursed sacrifice of 2000 infants who falls in love with the sleeping embodiment of the soul of the Earth (barbie) and also another girl who is the only survivor of the aforementioned sacrifice and is. a Jesus metaphor? and also the two girls become one at some point. and every book is a different genre. and god is bisexual. and memes survived the nuclear apocalypse. I can just nod and say so true.

The Area X Trilogy - Jeff VanderMeer Rotating this series in the microwave of my mind at the speed of light it's soSO GOOD!! the movie doesn't even come close honestly u NEED to read the books. and then go touch grass and be aware of every strand in a completely new way.

The Dawn of Yangchen - F. C. Yee nice read! I was more invested in the worldbuilding crumbs than in the actual story lmao, I will forever think about the HEATED airball rivalry between the air temples and about the swt greetings / bethrotal armbands.

Inuit Stories of Being and Rebirth: Gender, Shamanism, and the Third Sex - Bernard Saladin d'Anglure starting w a disclaimer bc I feel like the topic of native colonization was ignored when it should have been way more prominent when talking about the context of where and when these testimonies were collected?? That aside it was very interesting and well put together, with first account testimonies of Inuit elders about their myths, lifestyles and beliefs.

Pachinko - Min Jin Lee i read the book after having seen the tv series (which i also rlly recommend). Very moving story about a family and its generations, from Korea under Japanese colonization to modern day America.

Her body and other parties - Carmen Maria Marchado sometimes I go about my day then I remember this book exists and stare at the wall for 30 minutes.

Dictionnaire de l'impossible - Didier Van Cauwelaert big miss. this collection of articles about "strange impossible phenomenons" sounded so quirky and interesting but i sure would have loved if the author hadnt so clearly picked a side. and also way too much church for my tastes.

He who Drowned the World - Shelley Parker Chan Im not even gonna speak about this one if you've followed me since july you know what pits of insanity and despair i'm in

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow - Gabrielle Zevin Sometimes!! the book with pretty covers put in the "famous on socials" bookstore section!! are good!! It's about being othered it's about connection it's about diaspora it's about love and friendship and most of all it's about viddy games.

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel reading this post-covid and learning it was written in 2017 was A TRIP. Psychic damage at every page. still feeling very normla.

The Mask of Apollo - Mary Renault Ugh i desperately wanted to like this book because the setup is so interesting and full of potential, but the end result was just. flat. flat story flat characters the plot focusing on the wrong things at the wrong times i was so DONE when i reached the end otz.

Babel - R. F. Kuang LOVED the worldbuilding in this, the "lost in translation" system of magic is one of the most interesting things ive ever read. I think theres something about the writing in general that didn't win me over completely?? but all in all a very good

Red Ocean - Han Song This sure is a Book. That i've Read. its so profundly strange and unlike anything ive come across that i dont even know what to feel about it. i think 90% of my confusion comes from Not Getting Cultural References so if someone has a "red ocean explained" essay plz send it my way bc i couldnt find one.

#taking with me into next year Chromorama and The seven moons of Maali Almeida #anyway blease talk to me about your fave books!!#or about the ones in this list!!#send post #books

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odinsblog · 16 days

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“I'd say a couple of things. One actually goes directly to the comparison to the Holocaust. I think that maybe I was very focused from afar on the part of the comparison that deals with numbers.

What I think is a deeply cynical way of phrasing the description of October 7th as the largest massacre of Jewish people since the Holocaust. And the reason I think it's cynical is because, you know, it does all this sort of normal, for that kind of thing, things of conflating Israel and Jews, framing the Hamas attack as an antisemitic attack, which I don't think it was. It was an anti-Israeli attack.

And of course, drawing that line directly to the Holocaust, what I think I wasn't hearing was the other part of the comparison, which has to do with defenselessness. And I was interviewing someone who said that they were watching the first videos early on October 7th and seeing Jewish people once again as naked without an army. I find that very interesting and compelling because of course, the Holocaust is not only the number of people who were killed, it is also the experience that went on for six years of a people without an army.

And if you read contemporary thinkers, like for example, Hanna Arendt, a lot of her essays written during the war were about the need for a Jewish army. So that, you know, the light bulb went off for me that, oh, this, you know, this comparison, in addition to the sort of the, what I think of it as kind of cynical dimension also has an experiential dimension. That fear of being naked without an army.

And, you know, that didn't make me change my mind about what I think of its political uses, but it made me understand better the emotional experience behind it. I think the other thing that I saw when I was in Israel a few weeks ago that I didn't realize was just the extent to which it's still October 7th in Israel, and the extent to which that helps Israelis not see what's happening in Gaza. Because of course, everything that is happening in Gaza, that has happened in Gaza, has happened in the last now almost seven months that have elapsed since October 7th.

But if you are living in October 7th, then it's not just the media that aren't facilitating you're seeing what's happening in Gaza. It's like you're stuck, the calendar is not letting you see what's happening in Gaza.

…I should have made it more clear that when I was talking earlier about not seeing what's happening in Gaza, I was referring to Jewish Israelis. I think the experience of Palestinian citizens of Israel is completely different. They're living the daily events in Gaza.

They wake up in the morning to check whether their friends and family are still alive and to read all the different telegram channels and watch Al Jazeera and really to keep following in minute detail what's happening there and add to that the growing violence and poverty in the West Bank that is also very much a part of their daily reality.

…Well, you know, you asked me about things that struck me when I was in Israel, and one thing that struck me was that even people on the left, whom I held to be sort of, generally speaking, accurate perceivers of the world, had really bizarre ideas about what was going on on American campuses, like this idea that American campuses are hotbeds of antisemitism, seem to have been very well communicated to everybody.

Ayelet Waldman discussed this, so some of this will probably be a little repetitive, but I think the points that she made were that, no, these are not hotbeds of antisemitism. They are crazies and outliers in every movement.

But very rarely do crazies and outliers in a movement, especially widespread social movements such as this one, get separate articles in the New York Times the moment something emerges. This idea that these protests are antisemitic is wrong, misguided, counterfactual, and promoted by mainstream American media, unfortunately.

But, you know, and I'm not saying that there are no antisemites in these protests. And I'm not saying that there were zero antisemitic incidents. I'm saying it's a hot mess.

And we know for a fact that there's a lot of spinning of these protests as antisemitic that doesn't reflect the bulk of what the organizing is about the views of the individuals involved and the messaging coming out of these campuses. And most of these kids, at least on a campus like Columbia are Jewish, not on a campus like City College of New York, which has almost no Jewish students, but Columbia, which has a lot of Jewish students, has a majority of protesters who are Jewish.”

—Masha Gessen, the descendant of Holocaust survivors, discusses student protests (part 1 of 3)

#politics #palestine #israel #antisemitism #masha gessen #weaponized antisemitism #columbia university #student protests #weaponized identity politics #idpol #hasbara #israel is a terrorist state #israel is an apartheid state #war crimes #genocide #ethnic cleansing #campus protests #weaponized zionism

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patchwork-crow-writes · 9 months

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Thoughts on Kris x Ralsei

This is so long I had to split it up into parts - this is Part 1, which looks into how the roles that Kris and Ralsei are given contributes to the idea of their romance. As more parts are written, they'll be linked below in this handy-dandy TOC!

Part 1: And They Lived Happily Ever After <- (You Are Here!) Part 1.5: I Believe Your Choices DO Matter Part 2: A Pair of Star-Cross'd Lovers Part 2.5: In Another World, We Could Have Been (Just) Friends

Okay, so.

Wanted to elaborate a bit on my viewpoint of this ship, because I don't think it's something I've ever really discussed before and I think it's actually a very interesting dynamic (or at least has the potential to be, depending on where the rest of Deltarune goes).

So, Kralsei is cute, isn't it? It's fun to hug the fluffy boy and watch him melt into incomprehensible stuttering and blushing. All the little signs he's really, really into Kris, all the cute little snippets of dialogue you can initiate with him, all the alone time they spend together, in both chapters... honestly, the game makes it hard not to root for this pairing.

And yeah, it's cute... in a very surface-level, don't-think-about-it-too-hard kind of way. But once you start thinking about it... hoo boy. There is. A LOT to unpack here. So much more is going on just under the surface, and once you see it, it's difficult to un-see it. And in my opinion, it makes the Kralsei dynamic so much more nuanced, more compelling, and potentially quite tragic.

Now, a disclaimer: it's fine to like this ship on a surface level. No real harm is being done, these are fictional characters and it doesn't matter what reason you enjoy it for - if it provides comfort to you and gets you through, then more power to you! This is more me sorting through my thoughts on the subject and is not a judgment on how others approach it. With that said, and in the spirit of full disclosure, this will go into slightly uncomfortable territory - picking apart the idea of destined love, the deconstruction of common romance tropes, how outside manipulation might play a part, and even the potentially incest-adjacent nature of the relationship. If you don't want to deal with any of that, you can stop reading right now, and that's okay. Please continue to enjoy Deltarune in the manner that is best for you, and thank you for your attention thus far :)

If you're still with me, then please click the read more and we'll get started.

Part 1: And They Lived Happily Ever After

The first thing you have to understand is that Deltarune is utterly determined to cram the notion of Kralsei down the player's throat. The game is not subtle about this in any way, shape or form. Everything from the narration, to the dialogue, to major game events, to item interactions, and even the roles that Kris and Ralsei play both in the story and the party, serves to reinforce the notion that these two are very likely to end up romantically involved with each other in some way.

Let's look at the characters first. Kris is portrayed as the noble knight - stoic, unwavering, courageous, a natural leader - clad in medieval-inspired plate armour and wielding a sword and shield. And Ralsei is the archetypal princess - demure, dainty, kindhearted, nurturing - who uses magic to heal his allies and pacify enemies.

I did not mistype there - Ralsei is a prince, but the characteristics associated with him are more commonly found amongst female healers in JRPGs. Think Fina from Skies of Arcadia, or Marle from Chrono Trigger (minus the temperment), and you might have an idea of what I'm on about.

Think of knights and princesses for a moment. Imagine St. George slaying the dragon to save a helpless damsel. Imagine Lancelot and Gwenevere. Robin Hood and Maid Marion. Link and Zelda. Squall and Rinoa. Every single fairy tale involving an imperilled princess and a knightly rescuer. For a more modern take, imagine The Bodyguard. Ness and Paula. I could go on, but then we'd be here all day.

Suffice it to say that there is a pretty entrenched tradition surrounding these archetypes - a male-coded, phsyically-adept, courageous, stoic, action-oriented figure, is paired with a female-coded, magically-adept (depending on the medium of course), less-physically-capable by comparison, emotional, and more passive foil. The (male-coded) knight protects and rescues, the (female-coded) princess nurtures and soothes.

It is a very, VERY emotionally-charged dynamic, by its very nature. Through their acts of service to their protectee, the Knight displays their devotion and care for the Princess, and is in turn emotionally-enriched and cared-for. There is a great deal of physical and emotional vulnerability between them, and it is therefore ideal for romance stories.

Look at Kris and Ralsei again, through this lens. Kris is immediately put into the role of Knight, and Ralsei quickly establishes himself as a classic Princess. Almost instantly, before you've even become aware of it, you've made the connection - they're going to fall in love, because that's what ALWAYS happens in these stories. Ralsei supports and encourages Kris, both in dialogue and in battle, and Kris...

...Kris, uh...

...they...

...hug Ralsei sometimes...?

...they... they give him a ribbon...?

...no, that can't be right.

But it is right, for two reasons. One, Kris doesn't have to do anything. The roles are already established, and Ralsei is playing his part like a pro. And two, Kris doesn't do any of those things in the first place - you do. It's the player who hugs Ralsei, who gives him the ribbon, who picks the dialogue options, who makes the connections. You're the Knight in this scenario, not Kris.

Because Kris doesn't get to make that choice. Kris has to do what you tell them to do. And many of us have already jumped to the conlusion that this romance is happening, becuase that's what always happens. The Knight and the Princess fall in love. They get married. They live happily ever after.

So we ship them, because hey, it's cute, and it's easy. I can't stress enough how easy the game makes this. I'm fairly convinced that Ralsei was designed by comittee, like the Funzo toy in that one episode of the Simpsons. Like he was created with the sole purpose of being the most disgustingly adorable, lovable, awkward little cinnamon bun that ever existed. Like he was created to generate the maximum emotional response in players. It's the cuteness response dialled up to 11, and we are almost hard-wired to want to protect this little bundle of fluff from any and all danger, because lookit how sweet and adorable he is! The glasses make his eyes look all big, his fluffiness is reminscent of that of baby animals, he stutters and fumbles his way through dialogue, and you just want to scoop him up and put him in your pocket or something.

And so, we're more than happy to fulfil the role of the Knight to Ralsei's Princess. Whether Kris actually wants to or not. Because it does become increasingly obvious that outside of our influence, Kris is still their own person, with their own goals and desires, but no real agency with which to pursue them. Would that we could know what they truly want, but we are never presented with an opportunity to find out.

The thing is, Kris is not particularly... knightly. They play pranks on their friends, they swipe sweet treats from their mother, they seem to enjoy getting a rise out of people, and particularly from Asriel, if the story about "dropping the lizard into the pit to jump higher" is any indication. They sleep through class, yet by Berdly's grudging admission they are the "third smartest in the class". The only reason they go to church is so they can drink the "sick fruit juice". They don't seem to have any issue with prank-calling their mom, while she's taking about them with their tutor, while they're standing just out of sight, while they're balancing a trash orb on their head.

Nothing about this behaviour screams "Knight." If anything, it would make more sense for Kris to have become a Rogue-type character upon entering the dark world. So the question remains - why is Kris forced into that role? And to what extent is the seemingly "fated" romance between Kris and Ralsei part of that role?

Folks, we have barely scratched the surface here. If I keep writing here this will become a novel, so I have to stop for everyone's sanity. But I will follow up soon, looking into the ideas of Purpose and Destiny and how they relate to Kralsei in-game. If you've stuck with me up to this point, let me just say thanks, because wow I wrote a lot here, and it's probably a bit rambly and says the same things two or three times, but I just. Had to get this onto the page in some way or another, so... here it is.

Thanks for reading, and see you in the next one :)

#essay #thoughts #rambling #deltarune #kris dreemurr #Ralsei #Kralsei #Krisei #shipping #romance #character archetypes #Knights and Princesses #long post #Part one of several #oh my god there's so much ground to go over here I didn't even know #and we're only TWO CHAPTERS in #no wonder I'm obsessed #theory

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hyperactivewhore · 5 months

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I never thought about it before, but now that the idea is in front of me, I think Klena would have been absolutely WILD had it happened, and it would have made a lot sense for Klaus's character. He's been waiting for a thousand years to break this curse, and suddenly Elena comes, and easily gives him everything he's wanted, she doesn’t die like Tatia, she doesn’t run like Katherine, and she's also the key to making his hybrids. I also think Elena could have been a compelling character had the writers treated her as one. She is smart, she has daggersd two Originals after all, I think she could have empowered Klaus in ways that others maybe couldn't, because he can't kill her since he needs her, and while she's physically not strong, she can be pretty manipulative sometimes. It would have been INSANE if they had a thing, they would have been absolutely toxic but a great dynamic for a show like the vampire diaries.

I like toxic ships, I won't lie, but only if they're well executed, have a solid reason as to why the people dating even got interested in each other (this is why I like klaurora and enjoy the dynamic delena has, but don't like klaroline or bonkai) and I do feel Elena and Klaus would fall into this category. They had potential for a relationship, just not a healthy one.

Don't bring up that it would be ooc for Elena to fall in love with Klaus after he murdered Jenna: she's married to Damon, who raped her best friend and who literally killed her brother, so let's skip this unneeded discussion, because tvdu writers are always retconning their characters for ships/the narrative. I've talked and recommended her fanfic a thousand times, but Fairytale Ending by @livlepretre really, really touches what I think would be canon klena. They're toxic, screwed up and yet they love each other in their own fucked up way. It's so good written too, and it makes Klaus look even more fucked up than in canon which I just love.

Despite how tvd made her look, Elena is clever and resourceful and she also looks like Tatia, who was Klaus’s first heartbreak, and knowing how obsessive and screwed up he is with the women he loves romantically it's strange he didn't try to do anything physical or romantic with her. Just imagine Klaus and Elijah repeating history with Elena by falling in love with her, just because she shares the face of the two women they both wanted at one point. It would be so twisted yet such an interesting dynamic to watch, at least for me.

It obviously wouldn't be healthy, but it would be so ironic to have Klaus falling for the girl he's supposed to kill. If they had met in different circumstances, then maybe they wouldn't be as toxic, but I do get the appeal of klena and why people ship them.

And personally, ships where the other person stresses the fuck out of Klaus will always be my favorite.

#klaus mikaelson #elena gilbert #klena #klaus x elena #elijah mikaelson #katherine pierce #tatia petrova #the vampire diaries #the originals #tvd #to

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kessmisseschimon · 8 months

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In defense of Dangerous Romance

I am genuinely so confused by like 80% of the criticism I have been seeing of Dangerous Romance and since it increasingly has moments it drowns the tag, I felt compelled to take some time to put thoughts to paper in defense of the show. Obviously there is always going to be an extent to which a piece of media just doesn’t work for someone personally, which is totally fine! For example, I will never be obsessed with OF no matter how much I enjoy seeing the gifs on Saturdays, because at my heart I’m a big ole romantic sap and it is REAL MESSY (affectionate).

But there are two things I really don’t understand I’ve seen said about DR —

Feedback about the overall tone of the show — specifically that it wasn’t as dark as expected or that the bully scenes weren’t more dragged out. And the reason this one confuses me is because I feel like people just made up this expectation in their minds?? There were TWO trailers and TWO (now three) music videos about Dangerous Romance and they are absolutely chock full of two boys being obsessed with spending time with each other — smiling at each other, giving each other cheek kisses, holding hands, etc. Did people not watch those? It’s not really fair to say that a show isn’t what you thought it would be when the show pretty accurately so far told you exactly what it would be.

Complaints about the B plot being prioritized right now. Let me explain this one a bit. To use a very familiar example, there’s been a lot of discussion this week comparing Bad Buddy and DR. Bad Buddy had two major plot points: the conflict with the friends, which was prioritized in the first half of the show, because it was lighter and more prone to shenanigans; and then the conflict with the families, which ripped our fucking hearts out.

Right now, Kang is yes, getting a little more development (the B plot). But here’s the thing — he had to develop for Sailom to be able to be with him. He had to start growing and changing as a person for that to be possible. And at the end of the day we are watching a BL — where the end goal is for the two main characters (because there are two) to end up together.

I also find some of the criticism of Kang’s storyline to be inadvertently condescending towards Sailom. Because while the show has Kang saving Sailom repeatedly via external actions (primarily getting him money), Sailom is also doing the same to Kang. But his saving is internal, so less visible. Kang would have continued to drown in his own misery and anger and cruelty if weren’t for all of Sailom’s interventions. To me, Sailom is the hero in Kang’s story.

It seems pretty undeniable to me that Sailom’s story is going to become the significant focus in the back half of the show. Going back to the trailers, we know we’re going to see Saifah get arrested, Sailom returning to escorting, and Sailom getting held hostage (not sure this is quite the right word) just to name a few.

All of these are focused on Sailom. All of them are either directly tied to his poverty or will have repercussions on his financial situation. Yes, Kang is present for many of these moments that we’ve seen, but he is the second love interest in the show?? So I would be pretty freaking disappointed if he wasn’t.

If at the end of these 12 episodes all that happened is Kang played the rescuer over and over, then becoming Sailom’s sugar daddy, I will join people in critiquing the plot. But I’m willing to be patient because I believe they are going somewhere and I think it’s going to lead to a beautiful payoff.

But right now, as fun as it is as a plot device, DR is showing us pretty clearly that the way Sailom is financially dependent on Kang’s family is NOT healthy for them long-term, despite the ways has allowed them to bond and develop feelings (exhibit #1: Sailom having to ask permission to go home to sleep the night Kang rejected his confession). What will matter is if Dangerous Romance will allow them to meet on equal footing at the end - to not have Sailom be reliant on Kang, but instead be a more equal partner (who can still be allowed to occasionally enjoy what Kang might want to give him).

This is (hopefully) ultimately a love story about two people from very different backgrounds who will make things work despite all odds and I, for one, am so excited to be on this ride.

#dangerous romance #dangerous romance the series #meta meta meta #kess babbles about dangerous romance

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utilitycaster · 2 months

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I’m not sure if you have seen this theory but what’s your thoughts on “the raven queen could be Ludinus’s mother”? I’ve seen it float around on twitter and honestly, to me, it seems a little far fetched.

I have, and I agree with you.

I guess the best way to put it is that there's a lot of theories about Ludinus, and that's extremely valid, but I've found that people are extremely weird about these theories in a way I haven't really seen elswhere.

Personally, I find the idea that Ludinus is lying about most of his past - that he is just a guy from immediately-post-Divergence Issylra who moved to Molaesmyr, destroyed it in an attempt to commune with Ruidus, and established himself as a permanent fixture in the relatively young Dwendalian Empire in order to further his ultimate goals - is by far the most compelling. It feels extremely real for someone with grandiose designs to deliberately invoke an idealized version of the Age of Arcanum that was destroyed; we see this all the time in real life appeals to classical Western antiquity from would-be dictators. I also think he is, in many ways, not sympathetic per se but very...human (well, elven) for being frustrated at having to gather information of this time he believes to be lost and far better than today piecemeal, from whatever scraps remain. I think if he had firsthand knowledge but still took 800 years to figure out what the fuck to do? He's less clever and less heartbreaking and somehow, despite not lying about his age, far more of a windbag.

However, this is just my preference! It's also entirely possible he is from pre-Calamity. And here's where I start to get less generous. Because pre-Calamity? Totally fine. He insinuates that he is. He does so in the same conversation in which he insinuates he is Ruidusborn, which we know he isn't, and it's implied that not many people have caught on to his age (indicating that he probably appeared pretty young when he arrived in Molaesmyr) and since his device appears to have possibly been invented in Molaesmyr my gut feeling is that he was either a child during the final years of Calamity or immediately after. That's just a gut feeling. He easily could be older.

The thing is, literally all we have is "might have been around pre-Calamity" and it feels like people treat two very common specific theories - that he is from Aeor, and that he is the son of the Raven Queen - as fact, when all of the Ludinus theories are purely vibes-based. All we can say with any confidence is "older than he looks, definitively over 500 and almost certainly over an elf's natural lifespan of 750."

Re: The Raven Queen theory, what personally strikes me as far-fetched is that the Raven Queen's original name is lost, but who she was was not lost. She taught Patia. Wouldn't people...know that Ludinus was her child? Like, I suppose the answer can be "Matt didn't want to give spoilers away" but it feels like it raises questions about EXU Calamity that in all the discussion of people interested in ascension, the fact that the Raven Queen had a son doesn't ever once come up. And if he were a secret? That's also a question! And if he were the child of the now forgotten deity of death? What does that mean for him? Wouldn't he be a demigod, probably, of sorts? Can the gods reproduce? Was he the Raven Queen's child with some random guy? It's not that it's not possible, but I feel like boiling his stuff about the gods down to "Mommy issues" is reductive, far less interesting, and it raises more questions than it answers which is always in my mind a sign to steer clear of a theory.

And then there's the Aeor part, which just...I don't actually know where this comes from because if he were the Raven Queen's son it's pretty clear he'd be from Avalir, as she was all but stated to be, but people seem to treat these two things as both true sometimes. I feel Aeor feels far-fetched specifically because I think he'd have been far more able to rebuild Aeorian tech if he was from there. I suppose it's possible he was just a mediocre schmo while Aeor still existed, and has taken on a last survivor, must reclaim the glory of "city that was about to nuke another city simply as a weapon's test" mentality; but also, Aeor expeditions are relatively recent in the timeline of Post-Divergence Exandria. You think this man couldn't have popped up there and taken a leisurely look at the ruin of the Malleus Factorum any time before the past 60-ish years, before Uthodurn started poking around? Why didn't he mention Aeor in his notes in Molaesmyr? Again, more questions are raised than answered, and that casts doubt for me.

So it's hard for me to be objective here just because I find so much of the "Ludinus is pre-Calamity" theorizing to be just...really humorless and brittle and presumptive, and often not terribly interesting. Obviously if we get a definitive answer, and he is the child of the Raven Queen or is Aeorian (if he's both I'm going to roll my eyes because that's just sloppy, Matthew) or even if he was just a guy from pre-Calamity and not terribly important, I'll incorporate that into my understanding! But there's this childish demand that everyone treat what is ultimately an unconfirmed theory as immutable fact. I've seen people act like shitposting about Ludinus is somehow offensive because it violates their personal headcanons, and that's just peak main character behavior on their part. The idea that Ludinus is 800 and deliberately building a cult of personality rooted in the idealization of the Age of Arcanum (while conveniently ignoring that this age was when the Prime Deities -and only the Prime Deities - walked the earth; and that life outside the flying cities was rather less idyllic and wizard-run, and that the titans were still sealed away) is no less valid than the idea that he's 1200 and the son of the Raven Queen and/or from Aeor. All we know for certain is "definitely has been active and accounted for for over 500 years, almost certainly more, is definitely extending his lifespan through eating fey souls."

#answered #Anonymous #critical role #ludinus da'leth

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alpaca-clouds · 5 months

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The Problem with Alignments

With me now playing a lot more DnD, I really want to talk about the Alignment System. Because on one hand I like it - but on the other hand there is a big problem with it.

Let me illustrate by telling you about my first experience with DnD (outside of Neverwinter Nights and the old Baldur's Gate games) was with a really bad DM. A DM who very well managed to make DnD very unfun. For one, because he insisted that we had to role for simple things like player interaction. But also... Because he kept telling us, what our characters would do. This did not only afflict me, but all players. But let me tell you about my experience.

I chose to play a true neutral wizard, who was a bit removed from humanity, after having lived as an hermit for several years. And this lead to the following constant interaction: "Oh, your character would not do that. Because he is true neutral character, so he will never pick a side."

Of course, this also betrays a very misunderstanding of what true neutral means within the game. And in general it is a shitty thing for a DM to just tell you how to play your character. But it also betrays the problem with the alignment and some people see it: As something that is prescriptive, rather than descriptive. Yes, it is supposed to give you some idea how your character might act - but in the end it is still your character.

Especially because... Actions in of themselves do not necessarily say something about good and bad.

Let me talk about my Tav from BG3 for this one. See, my Tav tends to go out of his way to leave people - including the bad guys, that I can get away with in this regard - alive, much to the annoyance of Astarion, who really wants to murder some people. xD In fact, my Tav will at times try to work with the bad guys - as long as it does not mean killing anyone. Which could mean he was somewhere along the neutral alignment. But that is actually not how I play him. I play him as a good person, who wants to do right by everyone. Someone, that thinks, that pretty much everyone has good in them and should be able to do good. Hence, he tries to get everyone to do good.

And stuff like that is very possible, of course. More so on an actual table (if you have a good DM), of course, than in a game where the developers really cannot predict every single player decision.

For example, you also could play an evil character, who is very much for letting everyone live, because he reasons that them living will lead to greater suffering for them.

But therein lies the issue. We often have these preformed notion on what good and evil are. And that often can lead to hempering the roleplay - especially with less experienced players.

And then there is the other issue. The issue that has probably been discussed to death already. And that is the thing about species being prescribed a certain alignment in general. We had that whole discussion about orcs, drow and the inherent racist implication of the "those are always evil" thing going on. Which is why this was of course removed by now, at least for player species. But... We still have this thing as a rule of thumb going for species that are generally not accessible to players.

Given my current Themberchaud obsession, let me take chromatic dragons as an example. In general red dragons are assumed to be evil. As in: it is their nature to be cruel and greedy and all of that. And I say... that makes for kinda shitty storytelling.

Because here is the thing: Even someone whose first instinct it is to do bad... can do good. In fact that makes for a lot of interesting character beats.

I actually think that this where BG3 really shines. Lae'zel and Astarion are both evil. But depending on how you interact with them they can both be good people by the end of the game. Yes, for Astarion doing bad and being cruel is kinda his first instinct - but he can actually act against that instinct. And that is actually what makes him such a compelling character.

And that kinda is my issue with the alignment chart. Yes, you can make such compelling stories - but I also know that a lot of people that are inexperienced roleplayers will take their chosen alignment as a form of gospel and then just never have the character challenge it.

Which is really what I see as an issue there. Because... Well, given that we know and want characters to have a development... Why not just abandon the alignment chart?

#dungeons & dragons #dnd #alignment chart #role play #ttrpg #tabletop gaming #baldurs gate #baldurs gate 3 #bg3

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canmom · 13 days

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What is the book for? - part 3

Here we go, the next part of the investigation.

[here's an intro where I talk about the three hour video essay that inspired me to do this]

[here's the first part where I argue that there's a big difference between the actual thing you do in an RPG and the book that tells you how you're allegedly supposed to be doing it]

[here's the second part where I describe some of the purposes that RPG books claim to serve in the creation of the game, and make some comments on the storygames milieu]

First up a comment! @zendoe writes...

One thing I've only seen in Jenna Moran's books, though I'm sure exists elsewhere, is that the book itself is a piece of art that is entertaining or interesting or moving in its own right. Chuubo is very funny, I read Glitch basically cover to cover and cried when I got to the end, and Wisher Theurge Fatalist is arguably meant to be read much more than it is to be played. You might even include games that are basically proofs-of-concept, hacks to prove you can put x setting into y system, etc. I'm sure a lot of games made in the heyday of /tg/ have never actually been played, and were basically just made on a lark Tangentially, this is something that often gets to me when people moralize against strong "you must/cannot do x" language in a given rulebook. I would never deny that many designers have a gross "saving the players from themselves" mentality, but at the end of the day, the only part of play a designer actually has power over is the book itself. So (assuming they're not ABA freaks) why shouldn't they use strong language if that makes the book a more interesting product?

Love this comment. You're absolutely right, one of the purposes of an RPG-book can be to just be an objet d'art in itself (I say with maximum pretentiousness), using the format of 'RPG book' to guide you to imagine a game that might exist even if it's not practical to play.

For example @xrafstar and @ramheadedgirl made a great little zine-sized book called Blood Sugar: Sweet Ambition. I doubt I'll ever actually get to play this (but never say never...), and as written it's kind of a nebulous state where it suggests stats for a D&D-like game but leaves the details vague... but it's using the format of an RPG book with its stat blocks and illustrations to tell a compelling story and provide a frame for Alco's gorgeous illustrations.

A similar example (which @lapinaraofperdition told me about) exists in Vermis I, an OSR-milieu artbook which assumes the format of a manual for an old CRPG. There is no such CRPG but it's all about the vibes. The book's on to its eighth printing now so people are well into this kinda thing.

This leads me on to one other function of RPG books worth discussing. This tends to be less of an explicitly advertised thing, but I think it's a huge part of things - amateur-anthropologist hat on...

An excuse to make up a story together - RPG book as seal of permission

Suppose I got a group of people together who had never played a TTRPG, and asked them to come to my house every week to make up stories about vikings. I think most people would find this a rather strange idea, and it would be quite a hard sell.

Suppose I got a group of people together who have at least heard of the TTRPG subculture. I have a book which says Sagas of the Icelanders on it, which looks like someone has put a lot of effort into putting it together, and costs some money. I tell them it's a cool new indie game I heard about that I want to try. Even easier if it's a game they've heard about like D&D.

This sort of overlaps with the 'auteur experience' category in the previous post, but it's sort of aimed on a different level.

When I was a child, I would make up stories on every long car journey - before that, my parents would do the same. It's normal to tell stories to children, and for children to play and make up stories through that. Now, adult life still revolves around fictional storytelling to a huge degree: in just about every society on Earth, we put tremendous resources into making and displaying films, distributing books, putting on plays.

But in modern adult life in the countries I know about, making up a fictional story is a very individual activity, and very much tied to the dynamics of publishing. If you're writing a novel, it's expected that you might think of trying to sell it one day. It is something that you specialise in. If you're good enough, it can be your job.

Playing games also gets codified and locked down: you go and join a basketball club, say, in which you are expected to learn the rules of basketball. Or play a computer game, where the rules are set by the game binary, which packages it up with other elements like music and images.

Only a few contexts give you permission to just tell a story. For example, if you're sitting around a campfire telling ghost stories. Or if the story is framed as something that really happened (whether or not it did). A joke is the major one, relying on the promise of a punchline.

If you want to tell a longer, collaborative story... well, it's lucky that someone invented a hobby called 'tabletop roleplaying', with its attendant books, magazines, forums and other subcultural trappings. You can point to that and say, hey don't worry guys! It's a done thing!

I mentioned earlier the 'conceptual inertia' of D&D. All these trappings are part of that inertia, continually performing and reinforcing the idea that 'D&D is real'.

In this case, the function of the RPG book with its glossy cover and brand name and slightly corny introduction to roleplaying at the front - and notably, its price tag - is mostly a tool to unlock this special social context where you're allowed to pretend to be an elf without it being, like, weird.

You don't need a book for that, not remotely - roleplaying has taken place on forums, in chatrooms, in MUDs, in MMOs, etc. etc. for nearly as long as we've had TTRPGs - but it is a useful tool to help you unlock the door, as it were.

In this it seems (thanks @play-now-my-lord!) that I am following in the footsteps of Roger Callilois, who offered the following definition of 'play':

it is free, or not obligatory

it is separate from the routine of life, occupying its own time and space

it is uncertain, so that the results of play cannot be pre-determined and the player's initiative is involved

it is unproductive in that it creates no wealth, and ends as it begins economically speaking

it is governed by rules that suspend ordinary laws and behaviours and that must be followed by players

it involves imagined realities that may be set against 'real life'.

Nothing about that implies that it needs a book to define its special 'circle', but elements like a subculture and book do help to bring it into existence.

On that front, let's also mention...

A way to unify the subculture - RPG book as common reference

Let's go back to reproducibility. It's not just about having something to sell.

A friend mentions playing in 'a Curse of Strahd campaign'. Curse of Strahd is an official 'adventure' for first AD&D 2e and later D&D 5e. Like most 'adventures', the book acts as a reference for a series of places and characters, and instructions for how to use them, advice on how to create a horror atmosphere, and so on. Some areas are mapped in detail, others have brief prose descriptions.

If your group has played Curse of Strahd, it probably hasn't had the exact same experience as another group. Much of the book is open to interpretation in all the ways we discussed. But, there's a good chance that you have had some experiences in common. Much like you can talk about the different areas you encounter in a computer game, or the memorable scenes in a film, you can talk to someone else who played the same adventure. 'How did your group handle the mimic door?' 'Oh it ate the rogue and we all had to form a chain and pull her out.' (This didn't happen, I've never played this adventure.)

The same also goes for more general setting elements and the game itself. An RPG lore book is something you can become an expert in. RPG rules are something you can get skilled in manipulating. And even if two D&D games take place in totally different settings, you have enough shared context to be able to know what it means for a Beholder to show up.

This is just as true of story games as it is for trad games and OSR, just with different emphases. Wanna be an expert in something? Perhaps you know the Apocalypse World principles like the back of your hand so you can give advice on how to MC it, or always know the perfect indie game for anyone's taste. And since indie games are often quite specific, two people who played the same indie game are likely to have something to talk about. Or maybe you just like to have long theoretical discussions about game design principles (*sheepishly raises hand*).

You don't remotely have to strictly follow what's in the book to take advantage of this feature. Players will constantly be recommending house rules, arguing about balance, criticising and modifying the game. That's part of the fun.

As the first post discussed, the process of defining the subculture takes place outside of the books too. In conversations, blogs, webcomics, forums, we continually hash out what this hobby that brings us together actually is. But, given that everyone's group is different, 'we probably looked at the same book' is one of the few guarantees you can make when you meet someone and learn they're into a TTRPG. Small as it is, it's a powerful starting point.

So what do we do with all this?

Well, it kinda depends which hat we're wearing, right?

For a designer, the important point to bear in mind is that an RPG book is only a prompt. You're not a computer game dev - you can't really be an engineer of a precisely tuned system where all the moving parts work together in precise harmony. You're writing a message to someone else through a noisy channel, and to my mind, they get the larger creative role anyway.

And it's not just that they'll take what they like and discard what they don't - they'll probably forget things that you put in the book, or read things in a way you didn't intend, or get caught up in the moment and fall back on familiar habits. For their part, though, they're probably not even looking for you to tell them exactly what to do and how to do it, in detail.

I tend to find many of the best moments in RPGs don't involve any looking at rulebooks. You're caught up in the story you're telling! You're feeling that feedback loop of mutual inspiration! That's what I'm personally looking for - the thing in the book is just a runway to get us towards that point.

So what are they looking for?

One view is that your job is to give them what they can't easily provide themselves 'in the moment'. There's a good article from 2016 on an OSR blog Against The Wicked City that describes it this way: if you improvise, you will likely come up with something that is either painfully generic or overly wacky. An RPG book, by contrast, ought to give you something novel, which someone has taken the time to flesh out properly. For this reason, it must avoid cliché, because it's easy to spin clichés and you don't need a book for that.

In Vi Huntsman's video, they criticise Root: The RPG for acting rather like a dictionary, attempting to clarify the trigger condition for each 'move' (a rules-construct from Apocalypse World, more on that soon) with exhaustive, repetitive elaborations. This is a fascinating corruption to me, since it seems rather opposite the ethos of earlier story games, which would much rather give you something vague and cryptic and refuse to explain. (...OK, I'm having trouble finding really good examples of that, but I definitely recall one-page games that consisted mostly of lists of evocative names and phrases). The players can be relied on to provide interpretations of whatever a Frost Shepherd might be.

The challenge to me here is to create something that gives your player enough that it's there when you need it, but still doesn't feel closed-off and is amenable to putting their own spin on it. This is rather a matter of taste.

Prose goes

On another, more abstract level, the aim of an RPG book is the same as any art: to make people feel shit and see things in a new way. This is getting back to the territory of Zendoe's comment above.

So let's get into it: why is Apocalypse World memorable, when so many derivative games borrow most of its mechanics and yet end up forgettable? Why would I love to play Chuubo's Marvellous Wish-Granting Engine even though I don't really understand how it works at all? Why do I still think about what Unknown Armies has to say about fighting? Why do I find most of Avery Alder's games offputting even if the design is novel and interesting? (y'know, beyond personal reasons that she was a cunt to my friends.)

If a TTRPG book is a device to conjure up a usable idea of 'the game' in your mind, the experience of reading it becomes really important. A huge part of what makes those games come alive in your head is that their authors can really write.

But it's not enough to just make a book that reads well, is it? The player needs the confidence to extemporise in the vein indicated by the book.

Jenna Moran's games fascinate me - but they're also rather intimidating. Her books are full of quirky asides and little jokes and stylistic flourishes. How do you play a game in a Jenna Moran way? I think if I got a suitable on-ramp like an existing group I could get up to speed, but it's definitely the kind of game which really highlights the complicated relationship between book and game to me. Which is to say I have the book but I don't feel like I could run this thing, and while I could closely read it cover to cover and rotate its ideas in my head, it would be way more helpful to join someone else's game and see how they do it.

On the other hand, Apocalypse World adopts a very conversational style of prose. It asks you to 'barf forth apocalyptica', it titles chapters things like 'advanced fuckery' and suggests you motivate NPCs with their 'clits and dicks'. It rather obtusely introduces the idea of 'moves' with 'to do it, do it' - meaning that you invoke the rules text iff a condition is met in the fiction of the game. It's stupid but in a really fun way. Apocalypse World the book has the feeling of someone sitting down with you and enthusiastically explaining the game.

Nobody taught me to play Apocalypse World - I read about it online (on the story games forums maybe?), which instilled an idea of 'what Apocalypse World looks like', got the book, liked what I saw; I ran it based on my interpretation of the book and what I'd seen online. On some level the whole process 'worked': a game was, perhaps imperfectly, reproduced in another group of people.

Something about Apocalypse World, then, got me feeling 'yeah I could do this!'. But did that have to be a game with a name and such? Could Vincent and Meguey had written the MC chapter of Apocalypse World as a series of blog posts giving system-agnostic GM advice? Perhaps, but I doubt it would have led to a whole breakout movement in the same way. It's useful to have a name to anchor things to. (Of course, there's more to Apocalypse World than that, like the whole 'moves' system which dovetails with its specified approach to GMing.)

I once ran a different PbtA game called Night Witches, about a real all-female unit of Soviet aeroplane pilots who fought in the second world war. It was a great premise for a game and was solidly designed as PbtA games go. Where I stumbled was the ability to improvise - usually something I enjoy a lot, but here I felt an urge to try and achieve historical fidelity on questions like 'what does a Soviet airwoman eat' and 'what's a plausible name for a nearby airfield' (I fucking looked at maps! such a fool). I don't speak Russian, so I would draw a blank when coming up with a name.

Clearly I should have dispensed with being historical here - it's not expected, not like my players knew better. But equally, this is where a longer list of concrete bits of random 'life in the USSR air force' flavour info would have been quite useful. The game gives you a reasonable amount of historical info, but I still felt out of my depth. Fantasy is much easier!

Running a game requires you to project a lot of confidence. You don't have to say you know all the answers, indeed I quite like to make my reasoning at least a little explicit - 'oh! what if we have this happen..?' - but you are setting the tone for the game. Confidence and enthusiasm will vary with each player to encounter the book and the experiences they bring, and it's often beyond the designer's control, but you can definitely frame your game in a way that's more or less amenable to picking up and running with it.

In the next post... a few options, hmm. We could examine the idea of 'moves' in Apocalypse World more closely - they're a bundle of a few different things, and perhaps we should evaluate how well that works, and what makes for a good move-based system. Or maybe we could revisit some of my previous game design efforts, like the RPG duels post - did I go astray?

#roleplaying games #ttrpg #tabletop roleplaying #story games #i'll collate this series on canmom.art for easier reading soon

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defectivevillain · 1 year

Text

bathed in moonlight

pairing: barbatos x masc!reader

reader’s pronouns: he/him

word count: 5.2k [ao3 version here]

I write content for trans-masculine, nonbinary, gender fluid, and other similar identities that are underrepresented in fiction.

As Lord Diavolo’s younger brother, you find yourself in a lot of interesting situations. You’re essentially Diavolo’s right-hand, providing him guidance as an impromptu advisor. Despite the fact that he’s two years older than you, he seems to genuinely appreciate your proffered knowledge. Before long, you’re having daily meetings with Diavolo about the status of the Devildom.

Overall, Diavolo is a great older brother. However, he’s a little bit overprotective. He hardly lets you go anywhere without notifying him in advance. He even insists on walking you to school. You’ve long grown used to your older brother’s protective tendencies. At least, that’s what you thought. So, when Diavolo calls you in for an afternoon meeting, you don’t expect anything out of the ordinary.

“Barbatos will be assisting you, starting tomorrow.”

You scuff your shoe against the carpet and continue thinking. What could this meeting possibly be about? Diavolo had summoned you when you were in the middle of doing schoolwork. You sure hope this is important- Wait... Barbatos will be assisting you, starting tomorrow. Your mind finally catches up and you stare at your brother in complete and utter disbelief. There’s no hint of emotion anywhere across Diavolo’s frame. You squint at him and he returns your attention with an unimpressed gaze.

“Why?” You manage to choke out, trying to find an answer in Diavolo’s posture or expression. Frustratingly enough, your brother appears to be a blank canvas- save for the irritatingly understanding smile he’s wearing.

“You don’t need guidance or assistance, of course,” Diavolo continues. His remark was entirely unexpected, you have to admit. It’s entirely unneeded, furthermore. You’re perfectly comfortable with voicing that sentiment and you do so. Diavolo just sighs. “It’s for your own protection.”

“Barbatos isn’t a bodyguard,” you argue, beginning to feel as if the conversation has already finished. Sure enough, Diavolo doesn’t seem willing to budge on the subject. You can’t help but wonder if he even discussed this with Barbatos. Barbatos seems pretty content working under Diavolo. You don’t necessarily want to ruin that.

“Barbatos has been immensely helpful to me,” Diavolo continues, immune to your dissent. You resist the compelling urge to roll your eyes. “I’m sure that he will help you, too.” You frown at that. What exactly does he presume you need help with? You’ve been handling your duties wonderfully so far.

“I don’t need help,” you reply stubbornly, crossing your arms over your chest defensively. You can’t help but wonder what prompted the idea in your brother’s mind in the first place. From what you know, Barbatos assists Diavolo with a lot of his more important tasks. The most responsibility Diavolo has ever relegated you with is answering some of his letters. Safe to say, a servant- especially one as competent as Barbatos- would be entirely unnecessary for you.

“Alas, you never ask for it, dear brother of mine,” Diavolo shakes his head, looking down at his desk. He’s rolling a pen back and forth for a moment, before he evidently breaks out of his reverie. “Anyway. Expect Barbatos to be in your company at all times, starting tomorrow.” At all times? Great. You take a deep breath in. Against your premonitions, you bite down your arguments and remain silent- instead deigning to nod stiffly.

Surely enough, the next morning, Barbatos is waiting at your door. You let him into your private quarters and sit back down on the armchair you were sitting on. There’s a book on the side table and you grab it once more, flipping it open to the page you left off on. You’re sure that Barbatos is bored out of his mind right now, but it serves Diavolo right. The servant will surely go away once he realizes that he isn’t needed. Ultimately, this is all a mistake. It won’t take Diavolo or Barbatos very long to realize that.

An hour passes and Barbatos hasn’t so much as said a word. Despite your annoyance at the whole situation, you can’t help but feel a little guilty. “Sorry, I don’t do much,” you blurt out after finishing the end of the chapter you’re reading. Barbatos looks up from his own book, a complex expression on his face.

“On the contrary, I find this refreshing,” Barbatos remarks diplomatically. You’re sorely tempted to ask him what working under Diavolo is like. You know that you won’t get any answers. Even so, you can’t stop yourself from speaking again.

“I really think this arrangement will be a waste of your time,” you murmur, crossing your legs over the side of the armchair. Barbatos’s eye furrows at your informal posture and you have to hide a smile. You decide to let your book rest on the table once more. That’s enough reading for today. You’re no Satan, after all. You realize Barabatos hasn’t responded. “Sorry.” The silence in the room is almost deafening. Tension settles in the air, thick and unavoidable.

“You apologize quite a lot,” Barabatos says lightly. He sits up impossibly straighter and levels you with an inexplicable gaze. It almost feels as if you’re being dissected under a microscope. Your skin crawls for the briefest of moments. “Young Master has been thinking about this for several weeks.”

“Diavolo has always been stupidly protective of me,” you murmur, to no one in particular. You chance a glance at Barbatos, just to find him regarding you with the same conflicted expression he was wearing before.

“The Young Lord cares for you,” Barbatos eventually says. He adjusts his gloves and clasps his hands together. The demon looks a bit more relaxed now, thankfully. “Perhaps more than anything or anyone else.”

“That’s not true,” you laugh awkwardly. Barbatos doesn’t say anything, but his silence speaks volumes. There’s a knowing smile on his face as he remains across from you, bound to protect you. You’re suddenly eager to change the subject. “Besides, that doesn’t mean you have to play along right now. Did Diavolo even give you a say in any of this?”

“Of course he asked me,” Barbatos remarks persistently. There isn’t a hint of any emotion on his face, save for the slightest of smiles. He brings a hand to his chin for a moment before turning to look at you again. “Lord Diavolo does talk about you a lot. I found myself... curious.”

You raise an eyebrow. He was curious about you? How tragic for him. “Well, apologies in advance for wrecking your expectations.” The words slip from your lips before you can contemplate the consequences. Barbatos lets out a startled choking sound. Was that a laugh? Seems like it- the demon has a hand over his mouth and his eyes are wrinkled at the corners. You smile. Perhaps this arrangement won’t be terrible.

Indeed, as time passes, you get to know Barbatos and realize that he’s far more than what you thought. You learn that he has a knack for baking, listens to metal music, and likes to drink tea. Furthermore, [as much as you hate to agree with Diavolo] Barbatos is rather helpful. He assists you with any taxing administrative tasks. He even makes you lunch for school- something that the demon brothers all envy. Loath you are to admit it- Diavolo was right. The next time you’re called to a meeting with your brother, you know that Barbatos will be the topic of conversation. You’re not quite prepared for what Diavolo says, however.

“Barbatos likes you,” Diavolo says, folding his hands together. You take a shuddering breath in. You do think, however, that the two of you have been getting to know each other better over these past few weeks. You refuse to let your mind interpret that statement in any other ways.

“That’s… good.” You manage to remark. You’re not quite sure what else to say. Furthermore, you don’t want to prove that Diavolo was right- not when you argued so adamantly. You take a deep breath and decide to bite the bullet anyway. “Barbatos is rather helpful.”

“Isn’t he?” Diavolo smiles. Thankfully, he’s too mature to throw your misconceptions in your face. Unfortunately, however, you’re already brutally aware of them. It seems your older brother knows this, as he looks at you knowingly. “I’m thrilled that it’s working out for the both of you.” You nod silently.

“Now, the reason I called you… There’s going to be a school dance in a few days. It’ll be held here, in the ballroom.” You’re surprised that Diavolo volunteered the ballroom- it’s probably the space you use the least, out of the entire estate. You just hope that he’s ready to hire a cleaning crew, because you’re sure there is dust caking every surface of that space.

“What brought this on?” You can’t even remember the last time Diavolo held an event in the estate. It would’ve been at least a few centuries ago. The fact that you can’t pin down the date is quite telling. You look to your brother, who pinches the bridge of his nose for a moment.

“Well, the student council decided that the students were overdue for a fun event,” Diavolo recounts, evidently remembering the last student council meeting. You thank the stars above that you’re not a part of the student council. As much as you’d enjoy the opportunity to get to know Lucifer and his brothers, you know that the student council is a lot of work.

“Why are you telling me this, exactly?” You remember to ask. Admittedly, you’re sort of getting lost in this conversation.

“I know how much you hate having guests here,” the demon answers without hesitation. Okay, that’s true. Damn it, how does he know you so well? Diavolo grins knowingly. “You don’t have to prepare anything, don’t worry… Of course, your presence will be required. I’ll tell Barbatos you need formal clothes.”

“That’s not true-” You try to argue that last point, but Diavolo’s in the zone now. His attention is focused on the paperwork on his desk. You shake your head and huff out a sigh, deciding to walk out of the room. Barbatos is lingering just outside the door. He turns upon evidently hearing the door open.

“We’re having a dance?” You decide to ask, shoving your hands in your pockets. Barbatos simply nods. You frown and begin walking, the demon at your side. “Diavolo said I need formal clothes, but he’s completely wrong.”

“He told me you’d say that,” Barbatos responds with a slight smile, resting his hand on his jacket. There’s mirth glimmering in his eyes. You’re not quite sure where this sudden mischievous streak came from. You don’t remember Barbatos ever being this animated with Diavolo. “Just give me your measurements and I’ll get something.” Attention drawn back to the conversation, you grit your teeth in annoyance. Diavolo can be very persistent sometimes. You nod at Barbatos and depart to your room, ignoring the feeling of his watchful gaze on your back.

Before long, the day of the dance has arrived. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t excited. The prospect of seeing humans, demons, and angels all in one room sounds entertaining, to say the least. You ponder the thought as you’re situated near the entrance. Diavolo relegated you to door duty, for some reason. While you’re stuck in the entrance to the estate, greeting people, Diavolo is doing hell knows what. Well, you’re pretty sure he’s trying to make himself look nice for Lucifer, but you decide to keep quiet about that.

Your door greeting duties have been fairly uneventful so far. Of course, the moment you think so, Lucifer’s brothers begin to arrive. Beelzebub arrives first. His attention is clearly elsewhere, as his eyes flit about the room.

“Hey, Beelzebub,” you wave, pointing him towards the food. The Avatar of Gluttony sends you a grateful smile and walks over to the food as if in a trance. You laugh. That food isn’t going to last very long. You’re glad you ate beforehand. Before you can get too lost in your thoughts, there’s another presence in front of you. The Avatar of Lust stands before you, smiling expectantly. “Hey, Asmodeus.”

“Oh, call me Asmo, dear,” Asmodeus says, waving a hand casually. He looks elegant and put together as always. There’s a beautiful winged liner brightening his eyes. His hair is pulled back into loose waves. “And wow, you look amazing!”

“Asmo, I haven’t even changed yet,” you roll your eyes fondly, looking down at your RAD uniform. You didn’t have much time after school to get changed, instead focusing on finishing your homework load. You don’t want to have too much to do this weekend. Of course, just as you finished your work and were about to change, Diavolo practically threw you into the entrance hall. You sigh quietly. “Diavolo didn’t even let me change- said I had to be here to greet you guys.”

“Well, I appreciate that,” the demon smiles. “In terms of the outfit… I think it looks magnificent! Sometimes, all it takes is a simple touch.” Asmodeus shrugs, tapping your shoulder playfully. You give up on that argument, knowing that it’s not one you’ll win. Instead, you ask Asmodeus about his classes and his day. Your conversation lasts for quite a while and the rest of his brothers arrive in the short time you talk with him. Mammon grins at you, Leviathan sends you a hesitant wave, and Satan nods at you. The three pass to reveal Lucifer, dressed in fine-trimmed black and red. You have to conceal your amusement upon seeing him. This should be interesting. You resist the urge to poke fun at the way he’s glancing around the room for Diavolo. It looks as if he’s trying to be subtle, but it's entirely obvious. You shake your head and point him to the ballroom before turning back to Asmodeus.

“It appears someone is looking to speak with you,” Asmodeus says all of a sudden, looking askance. He pulls you into a quick hug. Meanwhile, you blink in confusion. It takes you a few moments to process that statement but, once you do, you see Barbatos standing several feet away from Asmodeus. To your surprise, he looks incredibly irritated. It looks like he’s glaring at you… You can’t remember what you did to anger him. Before you can contemplate that much more, Asmodeus is letting you go. “See you later, darling!” You wave goodbye before heading over to Barbatos.

“Hey, Barbatos,” you greet him. Barbatos’s expression softens and his lips quirk up into the smallest of smiles. A small part of you wants to think that you’re the cause of his sudden smile, but you know that’s just wishful thinking. “You okay?”

“Fine,” the demon responds, his lips drawn in a firm line. He stares after Asmodeus with furrowed eyebrows. You squint at him and wave a hand over his face, which successfully brings his attention back to the conversation. “Apologies. I wanted to let you know that your clothes are in your quarters.”

“Great, thanks.” You say, before heading off towards your room. It takes you a bit longer than normal to reach your room, as partygoers mill about the halls. Finally, after a minute or two of walking, you slip into your room. You almost want to stay in your room for the rest of the night, but you know Diavolo wouldn’t be happy about that. Furthermore, you promised him that you’d attend. You sigh and begin to look around for the clothing Barbatos mentioned. Eventually, you find what you’re looking for on your bed and a gasp crawls out of your throat at the sight.

There’s an elegant suit with silver adornments, a pressed pair of satin pants, and silk fingerless gloves resting on your bed. You stare at the outfit in amazement, wondering just what possessed Barbatos to get something so expensive. You’re certain that you’ll absolutely wreck this outfit somehow. Even with that knowledge, however, you manage to convince yourself to put it on. Honestly, you hardly recognize yourself when you look at your reflection in the mirror. The clothing fits perfectly, of course. The fabric of the suit jacket shimmers when it catches the light. You’re bewitched by the quality of the clothing- so much so that you spend a few minutes staring into the mirror.

Once you shake yourself out of it, you exit your room to find Barbatos is lingering in the hallway. Together, the two of you find your way back to the ballroom. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long before the two of you are separated once more. You swear, one moment you’re speaking to Mammon with Barabatos at your side, and the next, Barbatos is gone. You try to push down your disappointment and instead focus on talking with guests. It’s surprisingly fun. You don’t get the chance to see Simeon, Solomon, and Luke too often, so you’re happy to talk with them. You also interact with Lucifer and his brothers throughout the evening.

“Hello there.” You turn around to find an unknown demon staring at you. You squint at him for a moment, unable to shake the feeling that he looks incredibly familiar. You eventually abandon the notion after nothing comes to mind. The demon introduces himself and runs a hand through his hair. “You must be Lord Diavolo’s younger brother.”

“Ah, yes, that’s me.”

“Enchanted to meet your acquaintance,” the man says, bowing down and kissing your hand before you can object. You’re quick to tug your hand back after the gesture. You thank the universe- or, more specifically, Barbatos- for the gloves you’re wearing. Admittedly, your heart is racing in your chest, but you try your hardest to remain calm. This guy’s coming on a bit strong, sure, but he doesn’t seem to be a threat. He does appear to be trying too hard to sound smart or distinguished, however. Barbatos briefly comes to mind again, for some reason. He’s easily the most distinguished person you’ve ever met. It’s a shame this guy couldn’t learn something from him.

As time passes, you start to realize that this demon doesn’t have any self-awareness- he just talks and talks and talks. You’ve never heard someone talk about themselves so much in your entire life. It doesn’t feel like he’s even including you in the conversation, instead just talking at the nearest presence. You look around the room for solace. Somehow, you can’t find anyone you know.

“What’s the matter?” The demon asks, noticing your wandering gaze. “Looking for your friends? You don’t need them- not when I’m right here.” You want to vomit. You’re sure your discomfort and contempt for this guy is showing on your face now but, miraculously, he doesn’t notice. At this point, you’re sincerely contemplating grabbing someone’s drink and dumping it on the demon- if only to get him to leave you alone. Just as you start to plot his demise, someone calls for you.

“My prince,” a presence at your shoulder says. You turn to find Barbatos glaring daggers into the man across from you. His gaze visibly softens when he meets your eyes. Also, what did he just call you? My prince? That’s a new one. You don’t get too much time to dwell on that, however. “Lord Diavolo requests your presence.”

“Oh,” you say breathlessly. “I’m so sorry.” You plaster an apologetic smile on your face, hoping that it looks convincing enough. Thankfully, it seems to work, as the demon nods and takes a step back. Barbatos places a hand on your forearm, to your utmost surprise, and leads you out of the ballroom. You walk a bit faster than normal and, before long, you’re standing on the balcony that looks out to the night sky. You take a deep breath.

“Where’s Diavolo?” You remember to ask, after a much needed deep breath. Indeed, your brother was the reason you came out here in the first place. You look to Barbatos, who remains as stone-faced as ever.

“I lied,” Barbatos says. You blink at him in complete surprise. Barbatos takes his position incredibly seriously- he’d never be dishonest. At least, that’s what you thought. It appears you were wrong. It’s good you were wrong, too, because he really saved you just now.

“Well, thank you,” you respond quickly, assuring him that you’re not bothered by the fib. You take a deep breath. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t here.”

“Fear not,” Barbatos says, “For I will always be here.” The sentiment is incredibly reassuring. You decide to take a chance and reach out to clasp his hand. Immediately, you chastise yourself for doing something so inappropriate. Barbatos does work under you, technically. You don’t know what possessed you to do that. Just before you can pull your hand away, he’s interlacing your fingers. You look to him to try to get a feel for his expression, but Barbatos is staring up at the midnight sky.

“We should go back in,” you whisper in defeat, once you’ve gotten your bearings. As much as you’d like to spend the rest of the night stargazing with Barbatos, you made a promise to your older brother. “Just give me a moment.”

“Take all the time you need.” Barbatos answers, squeezing your hand reassuringly before letting his own hand fall to his side. You bite your lip and look out past the balcony. The cool night air feels amazing. It rustles the fabric of your clothes but, thankfully, it isn’t too cold.

“Okay, I think I’m alright now,” you announce, taking a step away from the railing and turning to go back to the dance. Barbatos follows beside you. As you walk side by side, your hands collide a few times, but neither of you move away. Upon your return to the ballroom, you find yourself immensely grateful for Barbatos’s presence; The demon seems to ward off any people that try to talk to you. One woman gets within a few feet of you and has a questioning look on her face. Her lips are parted and she’s about to ask you something when she goes remarkably pale. You chance a glance at your side to Barbatos, but he appears calm and composed as always. The woman leaves and you dismiss the thought to the back of your mind.

Time passes. You don’t dance much, except when Asmodeus comes over and drags you out on the floor. You play along because, well, it’s fun. He’s a pretty good dancer and you find yourself nearly dizzy from all the spinning. It’s equally entertaining, however, to dip him dangerously close to the ground. There’s a wicked grin on your face that you can’t seem to get rid of. Asmodeus seems to be enjoying himself too, if the easy smile on his face is anything to go by.

“I’d love to keep dancing with you, darling, but it seems that someone is waiting,” Asmodeus remarks suddenly, giving you another quick hug before disappearing into the growing crowd of people. You’re abruptly left stranded on the edge of the dance floor, with no one you know in sight. You try your best not to look as lost as you’re feeling. Unfortunately, your effort doesn’t seem to work. There’s a faint tap on your shoulder and you flinch immediately. You turn around, only to find Barbatos with a characteristically blank expression on his face.

“Barbatos,” you exhale, bringing a hand to your heart in relief. “You scared me.”

“My apologies,” Barbatos says, although he doesn’t sound that apologetic. To be fair, that encounter with the stranger from earlier has made you a bit more paranoid than normal. “Did Asmodeus leave you here by yourself?” His eyebrows furrow and he crosses his arms over his chest in an uncharacteristically laidback gesture. You wonder if he’s stressed. His shoulders are almost slumped, to your disbelief. You’re sure you’ve never seen Barbatos with anything less than perfect posture. You’re about to comment on that, but you realize Barbatos is still awaiting an answer.

“Not exactly,” You break off, trying to collect your thoughts. Eventually, you manage to come up with a way to explain his prior remarks. “He said someone was waiting their turn or something like that…”

Barbatos stares at you with widened eyes. It’s hardly an expression of surprise, but you know Barbatos well enough to know that he’s shocked. His eyebrows are ever so slightly raised and for a fraction of a second, his normal smile falls from his lips. You watch in thinly-concealed confusion as he brings a hand to his chin in contemplation. Against all odds, you manage to find the patience to wait for him to speak. What he says next is far out of the realm of expectations, however. “Well, you’ve found that someone,” Barbatos says, falling into a half-bow and extending an open palm to you, “May I have this dance?”

It takes you an embarrassingly long time to connect the dots and comprehend that statement. Once you do, however, you’re quick to reply. “Of course.” You grasp his hand and allow him to lead you to the dance floor. Barbatos is confident and collected as always, as he rests his hands on your hips and leads you to dance. You’re secretly grateful that he does so, because you’re admittedly not the best dancer. You move your hands to rest on his shoulders. Honestly, you’re a bit nervous. Barbatos must sense your anxiety, because he sends you a fond smile that makes all your worries fade to nothing.

You hear voices around you and when you take a quick glance to the side, you find Mammon, Leviathan, and Satan whispering amongst themselves and staring at the two of you. Annoyed, you send them a vulgar hand gesture from over Barbatos’s shoulder. Mammon gasps in mock offense and you roll your eyes, turning your attention back to Barbatos. He doesn’t seem irritated with your slip in attention- in fact, he almost looks amused. His eyes are glowing in the dim lighting of the ballroom. Barbatos looks beautiful, you think to yourself for the hundredth time.

You glance about the space, desperate to hide the flustered expression you know to be on your face. Surprisingly, your eyes catch on your brother and a far too familiar figure wearing red and black. You suddenly have an idea. Mischievous smile growing on your face, you tug Barbatos along after you. The demon follows you willingly, although he appears slightly apprehensive.

Once Barbatos and you are within a close distance, your plan is set in motion. You fall back into dancing and wait a few moments before leaning over and tapping Diavolo on the shoulder. Your brother swivels around, all the color draining from his face when he sees you. Lucifer freezes too, looking over Diavolo’s shoulder to meet your eyes. It’s amusing to see the Avatar of Pride look so shocked, even if it’s just for a moment. You decide to skip the pleasantries and head straight to the point. “Finally made a move, have you, Diavolo?”

“I could say the same to you,” Diavolo remarks without hesitation, his eyes falling to your hands on Barbatos’s shoulders. You quickly remove your hands, but the damage has already been done. Curse Diavolo and his quick recovery of composure. Thankfully, Barbatos doesn’t seem to be too affected. In fact, his grip still hasn’t fallen from your waist. For a moment, you watch as Diavolo and Barbatos appear to have a telepathic conversation with each other. “He’s a good one.” Diavolo’s vague statement throws you for a loop for a moment, before you realize he’s staring at you.

“Yes, he is,” you respond with a smile. Wow, you definitely underestimated Diavolo and Barbatos’s relationship. The fact that Diavolo is warning you off of Barbatos speaks volumes, that’s for sure. Lucifer chuckles at your response, for some reason. You squint at him, trying to find an explanation for the entertained smirk on his face.

“No, I meant you,” Diavolo says to you, while his gaze focuses on Barbatos. You’re sure your jaw is wide open now, as you slowly comprehend what’s happening. It seems you misinterpreted that first statement- Diavolo is warning off Barbatos, of all people. That explains Lucifer’s amused reaction to your first statement. You watch as your older brother continues to stare at Barbatos. It’s not a menacing or intimidating glare, necessarily, but it still looks intense. Diavolo then nods. “Take care of my brother.” You roll your eyes at that and Diavolo laughs, shifting his attention back to Lucifer. You turn to look at Barbatos, only to find that he has a relieved expression on his face. Before long, the song ends and the two of you lose Diavolo and Lucifer in the crowd.

“I told you; Diavolo is stupidly overprotective,” you maintain, once the two of you are out on the balcony once more and away from prying eyes. Barbatos laughs. He looks a lot more relaxed than he usually does. He also looks absolutely stunning. It takes you a few moments to focus and finally ask what you’ve been meaning to ask. “Why’d you call me ‘my prince’?”

Barbatos doesn’t respond. You let arms fall to the railing that sets the edge of the balcony. The moon glimmers in the night sky and the stars almost appear to be winking. You don’t want to pressure Barbatos to answer, but you are pretty curious. You decide to wait for a little bit longer before continuing.

“I’m hardly a prince to begin with,” you point out casually. “I mean, my father is the king of the Devildom, yes. Diavolo is the heir, which means that he’s the prince, technically. What would that make me, then? Is there a word for that? Probably not. See what I mean-?” You turn to look at Barbatos, only to find him staring at you intensely. There’s a question written in the gleam in his eyes and the pull of his lips. Before you can think twice, you tug him closer by the lapel of his jacket and kiss him. The demon jolts in surprise and dread coils in your chest. It appears you read things wrong.

Just as you’re about to break away and apologize, Barbatos’s fingers tangle in the chain at your waist and he pulls you impossibly closer. You reach out and put a hand on the nape of his neck, partly to steady yourself and partly because you just want to. He lets out a dissenting noise and you smile. Unfortunately, just as things begin to get heated, there’s a rapping sound on the balcony doors. The two of you break apart, only to find Mammon and Asmodeus lurking on the other side of the glass with shit-eating grins on their faces. Asmodeus holds up his phone and it flashes brightly in your eyes. You take a few steps towards them, but they’re quick to run away.

“That’s not good,” you grimace, turning around to face Barbatos. You just know that you’ll see pictures of the two of you on Devilgram in no time. Barbatos seems to recognize the same thing and he nods in defeat. “Sorry.” The demon stares at you.

“You apologize quite a lot,” Barbatos says, letting out an airy chuckle. You roll your eyes fondly, feeling an intense bout of déjà vu. The two of you drown in the comfortable silence. After a while, your skin feels a bit chilled from the midnight air and Barbatos looks over to you. “We should get back.” The demon extends his hand and you take it without question, allowing him to lead you back into the ballroom.

#obey me #obey me x reader #obey me x male reader #barbatos x male reader #male reader

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