Tmw/Tfw, you realize you've been sleeping on two very distinct "cosplays" you should have been doing all along in most recent years...
[*NOTE* THIS IS NOT AN AGREEMENT FOR ANY UNKIND, RUDE, SHALLOW OR SUPERFICIAL COMMENTS ABOUT THE FACT THAT MY TOOTH IS BROKEN OR MY HAIR IS RECEDING/I'M GOING BALD. IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE EITHER COMMENT, KEEP SCROLLING. I DO NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION AND IT'S FRANKLY SAD I EVEN HAVE TO PUT THIS DISCLAIMER. NEITHER ARE MY FAULT AND ARE THE RESULT OF THE ECONOMIC AND UNFAIR STATE OF THIS COUNTRY AND THE WORLD AND/OR DUE TO GENETICS.]
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So, apparently Emperor Julian wrote what historians call a satire, and what I call a "crossover crack-fic in which the Greek gods get all the Roman emperors together in a room and make them argue about who's the coolest."
This crack-fic has, incredibly, survived. It's about 90% Julian roasting historical figures through the mouth of Dionysus' boyfriend. Favorite bits:
Julius Caesar, Augustus and Tiberius show up and are appropriately shit-talked. (And, for Tiberius, kink-shamed.) Caligula steps through the door and is immediately yeeted into Tartarus before anyone can say anything about him.
Nero comes in with his lyre and Apollo promptly knocks the laurel wreath off his head.
Alexander the Great crashes the party and he and Julius Caesar hate each other on sight.
The gods ask Romulus if any of his descendants are a match for Alexander and Romulus is internally like "Aw, shit."
Alexander almost storms out of the party because he doesn't get to monologue first.
When it's Augustus' turn to make a speech Poseidon doesn't let him have a cup of water because he's still mad about that one time Augustus blasphemed against him 400 years earlier.
The gods tell each of the emperors to Explain Themselves and Marcus Aurelius is like, "But you gods already know everything about us," and they're like "...That's fair."
Cameo appearance from Jesus at the very end, who's apparently best bros with Pleasure in a sort of "sin with one, get forgiveness from the other free!" deal.
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No offense but I want Hunter to brag about him and willow next episode I don't care how out of character it is.
I want Eda to exorcise Belos out of puppet!Raine's body and for Hunter to stand over the shambling, melting corpse of the man who abused him and scream "you think you could hurt me? You think you could keep me down? Kill me? WELL YOU CAN'T. AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT AFTER I AROSE FROM THE GRAVE, I GOT A GIRLFRIEND. WE HELD HANDS FOR 3 WHOLE SECONDS. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, 3! YOU TRIED TO LEAVE MY BODY RIDDLED WITH SCARS??? JOKES ON YOU! SHE THINKS THAT'S HOT!!!!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, "UNCLE"???!!!!!" With Zeno doing his best unhinged hunter voice as Caleb fucking Fortnite dances in the background and Belos thrashes about in pain at the mention of premarital hand holding
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