Goblinkind (Palæ, Jack, Minimax, et al)
~
Jack: What's with the dead guy?
Palæ: That's Minimax, they work for Hades who's refereeing the game.
Minimax: Hello. I'm Minimax.
Jack: Don't you think that skellyboy here might spook the goblins we're meeting?
Palæ: What about goblins makes you think they're scared of bones?
Goblin 1: Is this where the free snacks are? Sign said free snacks.
Goblin 2: It did, clear in common, free snacks. Didn't say how many either.
Goblin 1: I hope it's doughnuts.
Goblin 2: Cheese for me.
Palæ: Hello, yes, there are free snacks. They're right over there. I was hoping to have a chat with you too, if that would be alright.
Goblin 1: Both of us?
Palæ: Either, both, either way.
Goblin 2: So the snacks aren't free. They cost a conversation.
Palæ: No no, you can just take snacks and leave. But if you're interested in conversation I have an offer that might interest you.
Goblin 1: So this is a, uhh, what are they called.
Goblin 2: Seduction?
G1: No, not that. A negotiation?
G2: What's he do?
Jack: I'm just here to look pretty.
Palæ: He causes problems.
Jack: Cause? That's a strong word.
P: He encourages problems. Better?
J: Better.
P: We have a world we're working on and we think there might be some good research opportunities available for folks such as yourself.
G1: is that prosciutto?
P: Sure is.
G2: How did you know we're researchers?
P: I asked someone to look into your language. Gobbledegook, is that what you call it or is that a name used by outsiders? I'm not sure if it's pejorative.
G1: We don't have a language.
G2: Probably pejorative.
Jack: Are you sure you're goblins?
G1: We aren't goblins, we're field-gnomes.
G2: I don't think we're supposed to tell them that.
G1: Yeah, probably. But fuck it, she seems nice and this baked Brie is fantastic.
Palæ: So, I had a hypothesis and I set up this experiment to test it. So far results are consistent with my hypothesis being correct, but I'm gonna break my methodology a bit and just ask you to confirm or deny something.
G1: I thought you said you didn't speak Gobbledegook?
Palæ: How would I? It's not a language, right?
G2: It's a method, but you speak the language of that method.
Palæ: So my hypothesis is that a goblin is a grad student. Can't resist free food. Known for being unwashed. Grumpy.
G2: I hate it.
G1: We can make that true if you'd like.
G2: If you give us a grant maybe.
Palæ: So we can do business?
G1: No I don't think so, not exactly. Goblinism is an open practice. We can't guarantee this metaphor holds because anyone can just make other different goblins that don't fit your thing.
G2: You're not with the mouse, are you?
Palæ: No, I'm not with the mouse.
Jack: So, what does this mean?
P: I think it means this was a one-shot. Thanks for participating and enjoy the rest of the snacks, but yeah I think this isn't exactly what we need.
G1: Happy to discuss again in the future.
G2: Do you know what goblins are for?
Palæ: I assume goblins are for goblins.
G2: No, that's it. Goblins are an organ in a larger organism, not a species in and of themselves.
Palæ: Like the dwarves?
G1: No they're stand-alone.
Palæ: Sorry that's what I meant, yeah. Like the dwarves are their own thing, not dependent on goblins and elves and such.
G2: Well, the symbiosis between dwarves and elves is complicated and some may argue that they're obligate... but basically yes.
G1: Goblins are the introduction to a greater fantasy setting. We provide a contextual shift that confronts the player with situations where they need to resort to violence in order to prevent, stop, or avenge greater violence.
Jack: That's an interesting thought.
G2: More likely it's a thought you're interested in.
G1: Should we?
G2: I suppose we should.
G1: Well, it was nice knowing you.
Jack: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
G1: That's the thing, you're not us. You value survival. We only get published when we get slaughtered.
Palæ: It doesn't have to be that way. Plus, you do realize that if you follow through, if you use those knives on us, you're not going to succeed? We have all the power here.
G2: We know that. But part of the service we provide is a power fantasy.
G1: You're soooo big and strong. You killed sooooo many goblins.
Jack: That's sick.
G1: We also are often sick, that's true. Squalor and rotten food will do that to you.
Palaestra: Oh shit. Are you poverty?
G1: Bingo.
Minimax: This was a very productive meeting. Thank you for inviting me.
G1: Oh shit you're necromancers?
G2: Well in that case maybe we should bow down to your dark power and offer our loyalty?
G1: Yeah that sounds about right. You've got a bigger magic dick than us, might as well suck it.
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