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chiliyue-archived · 6 months

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cause i love to love, to love, to love you

↬ in which you have him all lovesick and smiles

includes; dazai, chūya, atsushi, fyodor

notes; i am gonna pretend i didn’t disappear for 2-3 months. this has been in my drafts for so long :( i tried to clean it up as much as i could but it’s really old jfjdks

DAZAI

dazai appears happy. present tense.

his typical inquiries for double suicides came to lessen to conscious degree, substituting in drinking sake together when the sun cowers, nothing but a string of nonsensical chatter proceeding each sip.

he was sticky like that: unannounced visits, impromptu phone calls, sudden changes in his schedule to accommodate yours. in any case, he isn’t one to shy from stooping as low as whining if it rewards him with your familiar face.

( his windpipes splinter before he could mutter it out loud, but the solitude that’s wedged deep in his bones for so long felt lighter when you were near. he questions how long such benevolence would last before becoming sullied by his hand… ).

…and yet all things considered, it hasn’t deterred him from courting you nonetheless. at times he can’t help but think he’s taken a bite of his own medicine when he’s the one skipping around like a helpless maiden.

and yet again in spite of it all, his brazenness remains perpetually untouched as ever. he entertains different approaches if only to coax out a new reaction from you and he’s not bashful in the slightest. so much so, he remains unruffled even under the scrutiny of your coworkers.

. . .

“ this is highly unprofessional.”

“ don’t be so mean, bella. don’t you know how much i missed you?”

your eyes flit down to the man currently using your lap as a headrest, the rest of his body stretching over the expanse of the couch. he was shameless, that much was certain, but his ability to remain unperturbed whilst in his lovey dovey state was impressive. you cocked a brow, sighing.

“ osamu.” his lips visually twitched at the call of his name; it’s a word warm on your tongue but leaves the hairs on his nape at your mercy anyway. " you saw me fifteen minutes ago—”

“ twenty.” he corrected, cheeky (and quite frankly, you wouldn’t be surprised if he pulled that number out his ass). “ but it was the longest twenty minutes of my life.”

he was unrepentant as ever, experimentally positioning his head to rest on the plush on your thighs. by muscle memory, he began to absently draw shapes wherever he could reach, a crude rendition of stars decorating over the bend of your knee.

he smiles innocently when you squint at him, the gleam in his eyes unwavering. “ only a couple more minutes and i would have been yours,” you mutter out, your voice not as sturdy as you hoped. “ at home.”

dazai almost turns pouty at that. almost. “ but my love, i’ve missed you like crazy. twenty minutes is too long, how can i possibly manage?” the words come out through a breathy exhale and you watch as his lashes kiss his cheeks when he flutters them closed. “ all i could think about is you. and now i have you right here.” he hopes his words carry as much truth as the way his heart does, scurrying away the cold that's mocked him for so long. “ can’t we just stay like this a little longer? pretty please?”

resigned to your fate, you could only clamor your palms over your features— if only to salvage your waning dignity from your coworkers.

unfortunate though… that in doing so you miss the blissful smile curling on his lips as he peeks at you from below. and atsushi notes(after throughly grimacing, not expecting him to be so blunt), it reaches his eyes too.

CHŪYA

" chūya-"

" you can't flirt with me. i have a partner."

terse, stubborn and slurred. if the groggy voice wasn’t enough to confirm your suspicions, the shit-face look belonging to your boyfriend did. he was drunk. wasted if you were to speak bluntly.

in truth, it really doesn’t come off as much of a surprise; his ability to hold his liquor was nothing to brag of (despite what he may profusely argue) and you’re half-convinced he’s already forgotten his own name.

still, you don’t loosen your grip on his sleeve even under the figurative holes he’s burned with his stare. “ chūya. i am your partner.”

“you—! wha-!” his voice erupts into a sudden warble, eyes akin to saucers. " you… you are??"

he takes what’s left of his thinning rationality to study you proper; the style of your hair, your clothing, the smell of perfume/cologne, the familiar quirk of your lips—

oh, he thinks as you push back the loose bangs veiling his face. he doesn’t make any attempts to move, feet stalled and eyes blinking, evidently stunned.

you decide to press on. “ do i look familiar now…?” the lilit of your voice grazes against his ear, plucking out a faint memory tucked somewhere in the crevice of his fuzzy head.

oh. he thinks twice, the stern look bruising his face thawing.

without realizing it, he squares his shoulders in any attempt to remedy his current disheveled appearance, slumped posture pulled taut in— what he hopes— was a more put together frame. conversely, he wobbles on his feet when you continue to eat away at the distance, the ghost of your touch pushing pinpricks into his skin.

“ you’re- you’re really all mine…?” he cringes as soon as it leaves his mouth, coming off eager and hopeful. something like a laugh escapes you and he can’t tell if that’s what made his stomach turn or the alcohol. perhaps both.

“ that’s what i’ve been trying to tell you. you’re so stubborn when you’re drunk.” you punctuate the words with a kiss to his cheek, now warm with revelation. chūya, exhausting the last bits of his energy, shrinks beneath it, a gloved hand clutching his reddened face defensively.

“ why haven’t i made you my spouse yet?” he remarks it so suddenly, you nearly choke on air. he can’t even comprehend what you say thereafter or register the look beginning to contort your features, nothing but liquid courage keeping him afloat.

but- well, if there’s anything the haze trotting his head and his thinning cognition could agree on, it’s that your ring finger appears a little too barren for his liking.

( but not for much longer, he hopes )

ATSUSHI

the sudden change in atsushi’s behavior was a notable observation within the ADA, many of whom watched as the weretiger became stupefied by a face belonging to you. it wasn’t long before concluding it was all the result of a crush; the culprit of which being atsushi himself who played his hand poorly at discretion.

the lovesick chatter would leave his mouth without much rationality, waxing of "[name] this" or "[name] that," and effectively becoming on the receiving end of his praises. it was almost a routine of sorts, occupied by stutters, belated responses and his fidgety footfalls. by the end of it, he fruitlessly attempts to steady his rabbiting heart— if only to stop his blush from staining beyond his cheeks.

even now as he silhouettes by the agency door, the rattle of rain is deafened by the rush of blood to his ears. he anxiously worries the handle of the umbrella in his palms, bouncing from one sole of his feet to the other. should he just ask you? maybe he should wait… now that he thinks about it would be more appropriate to just leav—

“ damn it.” he perks at your sound of displeasure, his heart spiking. “ so much for leaving in a hurry…” you stiffen, realizing you have nothing but a coat protect you from the weather. the flimsy jacket you hurriedly plucked from your wardrobe only added flavor to your disappointment.

atsushi doesn’t miss the opportunity; his feet carries him to you before the unpleasant voice lurking deep in his subconscious bullies him otherwise. “ we can share,” he gestures to his own, silently praying his voice was leveled. it wobbles anyway and by now his knuckles are sheen white as a product of his nerves.

with the organ jumping around in his chest, he almost doesn’t register your ‘thank you,’ only that his fingers were quickly undoing the straps of the umbrella before you could change your mind ( he impulsively bought it earlier that day— his previous pair worned out and far too tiny for two people. but when you thank him with a kind smile, hands slightly brushing with each step, he argues it was the best 800 yen he’s ever spent ).

… that said, a more appropriate question is how you managed to remain naive to all his pining for so long— he’s become despairingly obvious against his own good and yet he can’t find it in himself to change himself, a perpetual lovesick look copy and pasted whenever you entered his proximity.

the same can't be said to everyone else however and he wasn’t particularly pleased when he caught wind of the bets exchanged among his treacherous colleagues. he fears it's only a matter of time before one of them blabs their tongue to you. at this rate, perhaps one of them should.

. . .

" y'know atsushi," ranpo once said, offering his companion a gleaming simper. " you reallllyyy talk about [name] a lot."

"oh.”

his heart flutters, eyes slowly blinking.

" yeah,” he smiles. “ i guess i do.”

FYODOR

" you've been awfully quiet, my dear." fyodor’s voice was just loud enough over the sound of clashing cutlery, fixing you a gaze of genuine interest. " is the meal not to your liking?"

you feel your lips twist into a frown. for being attentive, he (for once) falsely saunters pass the source of your displeasure, failing to recognize the extent of your internal woes. " no- no-" you fidget with your fingers, ignoring the way your propped elbows skidded against the table. the behaviour doesn't go unnoticed by the former, who takes it upon himself to hook his index fingers with yours. “ there’s something i’ve been meaning to ask of you. a… request of sorts.”

“ what is it? i’ll have it shipped to you by the end of the week,” he offers generously though it quickly fades into a confused hum when you shake your head at the proposition.

" it isn’t something you can buy…” you drop your gaze from him to the scantly poked portions of cuisine on your plate. fearing he may misinterpret your words and assume it to be unattainable - perhaps gifting you something ludicrous as a piece of land - you amended quickly. " it’s not what you assume to be either.”

at that, he bums questioningly. “ then what displeases you, my darling?” he provides a faint squeeze to your hand, igniting something warm and paradoxical to his thin layer of frigid skin. “ what can i offer to rid you that frown?”

" just your company.”

" my company?"

" yes." perplexed, he cocks his head; an invitation. willing an inhale to your lungs, you took a moment to gather possession of your words. “ these days you've been rather occupied. i was hoping for perhaps… if we may spend some time together?"

fyodor appears vaguely surprised by that, something unfamiliar fortifying around him. requesting his time felt like a hefty expenditure just in itself and it wasn’t too far fetched to assume he’ll disregard it in favor of some plot embellishing deep within his brain. but a swift refusal never comes.

“ i see,” he finally says after a brief pause. his voice was so soft you wondered if it was meant for you to hear.

it's grows quiet before he speaks again, the fingers curled around your hand withdrawing but not before providing the tips a delicate squeeze. " i can arrange some time tomorrow for you,” he proffers. “ will that satisfy your request, myshka?"

hardly anything can catch fyodor off guard, but something had to be said in the way you brightened at the suggestion, a deep curve coasting over your lips. how pleasant you are.

" yes," you hastily replied, dipping your head slightly. " more than perfect. thank you."

the way your lineaments crossed into a smile was always enduring to observe — exasperated, but one he wouldn’t mind seeing tomorrow knowing he was the cause for such elation.

( idly, he wonders what he can do to see it again ).

A/N !

i’ve been meaning to post this for months but it’s so old & i never quite (and still kinda don’t) liked it :(( fyodor’s is bit ooc jfjdkskla

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mazout-fm · 8 months

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Toshi catching up 16 years of dad-ing - not that Izuku cares.

#dadmight #midoriya izuku #all might #yagi toshinori #deku #toshinori yagi #izuku midoriya #mha fanart #traditional art #my art #mon aaaaart #ballpen #watercolour #watercolour pencils #don’t look to closely at all the ballpen lines I don’t know how to pick up a pencil to do a sketch #dedicated to all the dadmight writers and artists out there #so much incredible content

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olibabart · 4 months

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what have i done

#what in “hell” is bad?#what in hell is bad #whb satan #whb mammon #whb #playboy magazine #illustration #digital art #digital illustration #art #olibabart #just imagine them squirming on each other’s laps #mmmmm #somebody stop oli #anyhoo i have beel and bael lined up next #so pls don’t flop :\#or I’ll ditch it and continue napping #yes that is a threat

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pizzazz-party · 1 month

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Style differences.

depending on the style, Usagi either loses or gains two inches. for funsies.

#no we don’t have an official height for master leonardo. so I lined him up against official artwork of the rest of the rottmnt cast #and tried to tell how tall he was from that. I just went with my gut on what looked right.#usagi yojimbo #rottmnt #pizzazz art #miyamoto usagi #leosagi #fallen warrior miyamoto #rice cooker au #usagi being 5’6 IS something i stole from concept art for the 2012 cartoon crossover though.#anyway i use these drawings as references All the Time.

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puppyeared · 1 year

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I just skimmed through the art part of your blog and holy bajeebus your LMK art is so beautiful and the headcanon ideas you come up with are so good I wanna steal em-

Kinda wanna see like a part 2 of the little angst you did between MK and Macaque a while ago. It's so interesting and I wanna see Macaque's reaction in your art style. (You don't have to of course, it's just a suggestion [idk if i spelled that right])

Thanks for reading and hope you have a good day/night!

Hope this is to your liking ^^

Part one here

#I’m sure there are some character nuances im forgetting but well 🤷🏽#I want their misunderstanding or whatever they have going on between then come to a head. literally just going ‘wait what’#for me I think it’s entirely possible that there was an actual fight and maybe tension leading up to that point #cause I feel like macaque is not just bitter about thinking he died to wukong but maybe some stuff that built up to that #maybe the fight was just the breaking point. maybe they’re idiots who don’t talk about it because they think they’re on the same page idk #chipper-smol wrote a cool theory abt them using macaques ‘you’re nothing’ line in s4ep1. from what I understand it could be a direct parall #parallel to when he said that to MK right before MK regained his nerve and hit macaque in the eye.. since flying bark foreshadowed monkey mk #waaaay back in season 1 (where his shadow is his monkey form in the opening) i think that could be deliberate #and they could have gotten billy to voice an entirely different line for that scene. but they reused his line from s3 #in a very specific scene with wukongs narrative foil. hm #that aside I would have liked to hear billy voice the ‘you abandoned me’ line that would have killed me. but that’s just me lol #also looking at this I should have shaded the last frame to make it look more dramatic and serious but I ran out of time :(#if anything I want to see MK try and help them get back together. poor kid tries so hard to understand people so I think it would be cool to #see that happen. that’s what I like about him.. he asked macaque why he was working for LBD instead of accusing him of dooming everyone bc #he wants to and he tried to comfort spider queen by admitting he was scared of LBD too 😭😭#my art #myart #Lego Monkie kid #lmk #Monkie kid #lmk spoilers #Lego Monkie kid spoilers #lmk macaque #six eared macaque #lmk sun wukong #lmk swk #lmk MK #lmk xiaotian #lmk season 4 #Lego Monkie kid s4

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insanesonofabitch · 5 months

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You know, as a (kind of) new fan, I barely know shit about the full spn experience of watching shit unfold in real time—which obviously took years. When I was scrolling through Nov 5th tag, destielgate and all that, I found a fairly huge amount of people shitting on Andrew Dabb, especially for writing the finale. And I got curious about this infamous writer guy, like what else did he write?

Then I went to Google and saw that he wrote What’s Up Tiger Mommy. Then Hunteri Heroici. Clip Show. Road Trip. Bloodlines??? Stairway to Heaven?????? The Things We Left Behind????????

The Prisoner???????????

All Along The Watchtower?????????????

Lost & Found??????????????????

Like obviously, none of these episodes are perfect. But these includes HUGE destiel scenes—like pivotal moments that greatly affects the relationship and it’s development and how the audience view it. And so much of these are obviously, blatantly romantic. As explicit as it can be. Like the direct canon couple parallels? At least THREE times? You’re telling me this man is responsible for The Lovers Quarrel ft. Suffering Sam in season 8? “I’ll watch over you”? The Dean/Cas - David/Violet parallel???? Cas’ deleted personal heaven???? “Don’t lose it over one man”????? Cas giving up his Angel army for one guy?????? The Dinner Date?????? The Sam/Jess - Dean/Cas - Claire/Kaia parallel??????? The climax of Cain/Colette - Dean/Cas Mark of Cain plot line??????? “You know, I always thought I could be a good dancer if I wanted to be”???????? The PURGATORY REUNION?????????? The start of THE FUCKING WIDOWER ARC?????????????

The Fucking. Widower. Arc. The stark contrast between that and Cas being barely mentioned in 15x19 and 15x20???????? Listen—and I’m just spitballing here—but what if this guy isn’t the fucking problem. You cannot convince me that someone who wrote all that, who contributed to all that, does not fucking see it…

…oh my fucking god. What the fuck were in those omitted scenes?

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dykebeckett · 2 months

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#I flipped the picture so the dialogue would line up. this is my commitment to efficacy and efficiency accuracy in my jokes #highposting #mashposting #I DON’T SHIP THEM IT’S JUST FUNNIE…

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gayvampyr · 2 years

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“queer spaces should be inclusive of people who don’t enjoy sex and who have “strange”, negative or repulsed relationships with sex” and “sex is an important aspect of lgbt community, history, and activism and queer people should be allowed and able to talk freely about sex without stigma or shame” are ideas that can and should coexist.

#‘queer people were banned from and shamed for having sex and that’s where a lot of our activism stemmed from’ and #‘not liking or having sex is considered abnormal and a mental illness and also needs to be destigmatized’ are concepts that not only can but #often do coalign #it’s esp important to consider that a lot of lgbt ppl who have a tricky and strained relationship with sex are like that because of trauma #which is very common for queer folks #it’s really not an ace-only thing #like i am sex repulsed but it’s very hard to discern if it’s because i’m asexual or if it’s the trauma. either way i deserve to have those #feelings and be included in lgbt spaces and discussions about sex and treated as just another queer person with a different experience #instead of being alienated because my feelings about sex don’t directly line up with yours #im so sick of people in this community trying to pit us against each other. as an ace lesbian that shit is so toxic and harmful #my relationship with sex is fluid. im sex-positive always‚ but i often find myself sex repulsed. im otherwise neutral about it but im sick #of people acting like it’s either you enjoy sex and have it frequently or you hate it and you shame everyone who has it like youre a puritan #and it’s often aphobes who bought into that ‘aces are puritanical celibate straights who want ppl who have gay sex to die or think they’re #‘dirty’ or some shit. and it was literally 90% crypto-aphobes pretending to be aces to get people to adopt that into their belief system #the same way crypto-t/rfs pretend to be trans women who want to prey on the ‘innocent women’#and y’all will use those posts/screenshots as ‘evidence’ that whatever scapegoat you’ve selected is actually inherently bad/homophobic/#misogynistic/etc and not even #acknowledge the giant hole in your logic cuz you’re too busy trying to find a scapegoat #it’s the same tactics and y’all fall for it every time #text post #like. lesbians are CONSTANTLY getting hounded and told that we’re broken or mentally i’ll for not showing interest in (having sex with) men #for the same reason asexuality is considered bad or wrong or weird #not showing interest in heterosexual relationships or sex is why this is so important #anyone that falls outside the scope of heterosexuality is part of this community whether you like it or not

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kelpermoosee · 9 months

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C͙a͙n͙ y͙o͙u͙ p͙l͙e͙a͙s͙e͙ d͙r͙a͙w͙ k͙i͙n͙g͙ b͙o͙o͙ a͙n͙d͙ L͙u͙i͙g͙i͙'͙s͙ c͙u͙d͙d͙l͙e͙i͙n͙g͙ o͙n͙ a͙ r͙o͙o͙f͙ t͙o͙p͙ a͙n͙d͙ g͙a͙z͙i͙n͙g͙ u͙p͙ a͙t͙ t͙h͙e͙ n͙i͙g͙h͙t͙ s͙k͙y͙

YES, I CAN INDEED! Thank you for such a cute prompt! (Made everything a little sillier though, they deserve it ★)

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starryluminary · 4 months

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*long, droning sigh* I gave in

#I did trace this and colored it in with pencil but it’s so bad #it’s terrible so you only get the sketch #anyway do I ship nowen. I don’t know don’t ask me that question #no//co s still my number 1 forever until I die but they’re just so. so #something something 2024 year of the nowen #total drama #total drama noah #td noah #total drama owen #td owen #nowen #td nowen #total drama nowen #Starry makes art #last drawing of the year. party pooper sound and sorry I screwed up the lines and color lmao #party popper WHATEVER YOU GET IT

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ohitslen · 11 months

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College (uni??) AU catering to my own interests as it should always be hehe :)

#projecting my major on Vash because them mfs who have changed from the med field majors to that one have some tragic things to tell #and also because I think that Vash would be such a wonderful designer I don’t know why it’s a gut feeling #Nai the law major because of course he would have you seen the guy #he would be a personal injury lawyer because lore #fun fact Nai rested for a semester after the incident with Vash while Vash took two.He never told Nai he would be changing majors #so it was a big big shock for him. they fought again but yk I’ll explain more on that if anyone is interested #as to Kni and WW I thought it’d be funny if they shared a common subject that required a lot of team assignments #and they can NEVER work out together. being an absolute nightmare to the rest of their group #separately they are great to work with. even if Kni can come off as too bossy sometimes he is actually a great leader #and WW would always deliver things on time exactly as it was asked from him #but Kni and WW just never really matched. Kni was too rude at times when WW made a mistake and WW would always clock him if he passed a line #like insulting his reasons for wanting to study security #one day Kni tells him at the beginning of a new semester where they both have unfortunately landed on a shared subject again #“you are not suited for that sort of job Wolfwood. you should simply give up and why don’t you go play role model to your little kids’’#then WW beats him again and then is like hey yk what you’re kinda right. and changed majors and he feels so much more at home studying #education/teaching than security. he fucking hates some things but the end goal makes it worthy #Trigun Uni! AU #because I don’t know how differently a college and a uni work #trigun #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #trigun stampede #vashwood #trigun fanart #wolfwood #vash #Nai saverem #millions knives #lenssi draws #pen!

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fastidious-and-a-mess · 5 months

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guys can we PLEASE stop shipping riz w people. honestly at this point i kind of don’t even care if you yourself are also acespec/arospec/aspec.

yes, aspec people can be in relationships, etc etc, but riz specifically has expressed over and over and over again that that is something he personally has absolutely zero interest in.

he’s not just canonically aroace, he also canonically does not want a relationship.

“aroace people can be happy in romantic/sexual/queerplatonic relationships” is a true statement. “people who do not want to be in any kind of monogamous committed relationship can be happy in a monogamous committed relationship” is quite a bit harder to argue.

i’m just so sick of it. i’m glad we all understand that there’s nuance to aspec identities, and everyone’s expressions of and experiences with their own aspec identities are going to be different and personal.

like, it’s not even just about the asexual/aromantic aspect anymore. it’s also just refusing to let him not want to be in a relationship. why are so many people so resistant to the idea that he does not want to be in a relationship. like genuinely, why can you not accept that there are people who just don’t want that. who would just be unhappy in a relationship. why can’t you wrap your head around the idea that wanting a relationship is not a thing that everyone secretly wants. like, No, he hasn’t just not “met the right person” yet. because there is no right person. because he’s simply not interested.

this post is kind of rambly and not as effectively phrased as it could be i think but idc.

TL;DR: riz being aroace is not the only reason to not ship him. he also, explicitly and repeatedly, has stated he does not want to be in a relationship. “aspec people can be in relationships” is completely irrelevant because regardless riz simply does not want a relationship. please just respect thag.

edit: plz don’t like this is u wont rb. i won’t guilt you into rbing, it’s ur blog i’m not ur dad do what u want etc etc. it’s just irritating for me personally to see ppl interacting w this but not willing to actually put it on their blogs.

#sorry to keep this ‘’’’’’’ discoure ‘’’’’’’ alive #im just sooooo tired #i just don’t understand how so many people can see this character have such a significant part of characterization be about how #he does not want to be in a Relationship at all and how that affects him and his relationships with the people in his life #and then go ‘what if he was in a Relationship with his best friend’#like come on!!#i don’t care how you define the Relationship. i don’t care about your own personal identity.#i don’t care about whatever reasons you come up with the justify why it’s actually totally fine #the bottom line is riz does not want that for himself and you’re deciding that that’s not worth respecting #sorry fabriz enjoyers but i wish you guys would just stfu #dimension 20 #fantasy high #riz gukgak #edit continued: ik it’s all just online fandom stuff. but it’s also representative of a larger issue #of people just being incapable of comprehending that some people don’t want relationships. or even past that; that some people actively want #to Not be in relationships. it’s people coming into contact with a person (character) like that and believing that that just can’t be true #that that person Must secretly actually want a relationship. even if they don’t know it. they just haven’t met the right person yet. etc etc #if you can’t give up outting riz in any kind of relationship then you cannot accept that some people really truly do not want relationships #that’s FINE. PLEASE just respect that

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skoulsons · 1 year

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Talking about the sniper section bc it’s. My heart feels like that house.

First, BEAUTIFULLY DONE. absolutely perfect, every part of it. But rewatching, Joel never stops watching Ellie. Not for a second. He’s watching where she’s going and he’s watching behind her for infected. When she’s knocked to the ground after Joel shoots the one clicker, she spots an open window in a van. Joel is watching her and sees where she’s looking and knows exactly where she’s trying to go. You see his eyes move to the left to see the van. And she knows he’ll kill all of the infected in her way. Because she trusts him. And because he won’t let her die.

And once Ellie’s in the van, Joel’s fire ceases except for killing the ones behind it. He is only looking out for her. Anything gets close to that van, he’s there immediately. There’s a shot of him after the bloater surfaces of him just watching. Not firing, just observing the van. Watching for infected. Keeping her safe.

And then one comes up, a young girl in a BLUES CLUES SHIRT, and you see the panic immediately on his face. He goes from completely still to shaking. He fires and he misses. His reload even feels rushed. His breath is shaky, hitching even. His entire face is trembling. And then the clicker is in the car and he can’t see it anymore. He can’t protect her anymore. And it cuts again to him taking two quick, rushed, and paralyzing breaths. He adjusts his grip on the gun because his hands are sweating. And now he, much like she had to minutes prior, has to trust that she can and will get out of this, as much as he wants to be the one to save her from it

Then it cuts to Joel again when she’s outside the van.

This is panic. Fear. This is not knowing what’s coming out of that van. If that clicker ate a hole in her neck and it’s the one escaping. The fear of not knowing her fate and if he just lost her again. Of not being able to protect her because he can’t see her through the windows of the van. The fear of so many uncertainties.

And this is relief. His shoulders have even fallen back slightly, relaxing. When he sees she’s out and closed the door on the clicker. That she’s, in a weird, twisted way, safe again. Because he can protect her again. Because he can, and will, kill every infected in her path.

And then she’s on the ground and they can see each other again. Ellie looks over to Henry and Sam and sees them struggling under the car. She can’t leave them. She reaches for her shiv and she looks to Joel in the house.

She’s determined. And he knows it. He can’t see them under the car, but he can guess what she’s saying. What she wants to do. What she’s asking him to do. To continue to protect her (like he’d ever stop), as dangerous and heart attack inducing as it will be for him to see her do this. And he makes a face that Pedro seems to make in every role he plays.

This face. This face, to me, means a plethora of different things depending on his role. But in this context, it’s more of a ‘fine, I’ll do it. I’ve got you’ one. He even nods slightly. Really slightly. Deep down, he wants them safe, too. It’s dangerous down there. It’s full of infected. And he’d like nothing more than to get out of there with her in one piece. But Ellie has a big heart. She cares about Henry and Sam. And Joel knows that. He’s seen how she’s been with Sam. Laughing with him, reading with him, signing with him, playing soccer with him. How long has it been since she’s been able to do this with another kid? But Ellie’s asks him just a little more. I need to get to them. Protect me.

And he does, of course he does. He kills five(?) clickers that touch her or get in her path. And he’s no longer shaking. He’s as stable as ever in firing. He nails every single shot, killing every clicker in her way. Ellie gets to Henry and Sam, killing the clicker on Henry and stabbing the one on Sam while Joel finishes it off. And he watches for any more that come their way. And once he sees they’re in the clear, he leaves and meets up with them immediately

Main point being - protective dad Joel <3

#those two Joel screenshots? the ones of panic and fear? those are like a second apart. maybe less.#it’s all in his eyebrows and forehead. his forehead is creased and there’s lines at the beginning of that shot #but when he relaxes they immediately soften #I hope this is coherent because it is very late and my thoughts are RACING #I made a list of six things I want to write about-so expect those this week if they all end up happening :)#this came out very long but don’t expect any future ones to get any shorter #the last of us hbo #tlou spoilers #joel miller #ellie williams

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