#tfw you don’t remember your trauma but your emotions do

[spewpurr]

“I… am. Not. Dead! I’m not dead!”

#tfw you don’t remember your trauma but your emotions do #spewpurr posts #spewpurr doodles #tentative portal tag #au: wheatley is the intelligence core #well technically it’s a headcanon but #tomato potato #tentative wheatley tag #tentative intelligence core tag

[fencesandfrogs]

cloudtail’s daughter: jayfeather

alright, strap in, it's time for jayfeather. i've been holding it in on him for what feels like forever now; he's ya boy's favorite character

also, aside from dove and ivy, he's the character with the highest volume of changes to canon. even above cloudtail and brightheart, because they continue their lives, it's not a big deal. and lion and cinder go to the tribe, but like, that's it. (i'm figuring out if jay goes with them over the course of this essay. i think i said he did in holly? but he literally hasn't been mentioned once in that arc because there's a lot going on.) anyway lion and cinder don't get up to anything. but jay's priorities shift and we see that in his books. i'm really excited to write him but i need to finish arc 1 lmao.

but first, same deal as always. this is part of my cloudtail's daughter au, where dovekit and ivykit are born to cloudtail and brightheart. i don't know how well this will read preemptively, but i suspect it will be rather dependent on the others. cloudtail's daughter: dovewing and/or the long post that explains it are both good places to start, see the cloudtail's daughter tag on my blog.

[2.5k words, 14 minute read, one of the last warriors essays on this blog. i'm going to finish out with my character essays and then everything will be on new sideblog. so check out @mallowstep for more.]

section one: the leafpool business

at the beginning of this series, leafpool and jayfeather are on bad terms. they will stay on bad terms for basically the entirity of the book series. while one of my main complaints with po3/oots is the lack of acknowledgement of adoption, jayfeather has been lied to by his mother and his mentor, something neither hollyleaf or lionblaze have to contend with, and then his sister kills herself over it. obviously she doesn't, but from his perspective. so he blames leafpool because he was really close to hollyleaf and now she's gone, and it's his first real loss, and there's so much going on.

and so he's a grouch and he's unhappy and he's just trying to function when his whole support system has been dismantled over the course of what, like, a quarter moon? yeah so dovekit and ivykit are like "wow what a grouch he sucks" the same way they don't realize prey is dying of thirst & etc.

for the most part he's j chilling and then hollyleaf comes back and man is it some family drama. unfortunately it's postponed til book 4 because hollyleaf and jayfeather have journeys but anyway i'm getting ahead of myself, because this section should end and unlike the hollyleaf essay i want to actually have decent organization.

section two: hollyleaf is away (but jayfeather doesn't get to play)

holly, cinder, and dove go to deal with beavers. we only get jayfeather through lionblaze in the books, but jayfeather is...conflicted. he got his sister back and lost her again and oh i should say. i think jayfeather and hollyleaf are the closer pair of the siblings. not that they don't love lionblaze the same, but you know how cats pair bond? like, it's usually a trauma thing, but even in feral cats, you see very close friendships. anyway yeah so for other au's i've been sorting siblings n denmates into pairs for this purpose (mostly jaywing au because there's a lot re. dovepaw and jaypaw and remember they are reincarnated siblings they've got a close bond going.) and it's kind of...i don't know my point is jayfeather misses his sister because she's like, his best friend too. or she was. and then she died and now she's back and she left again, and lionblaze is more concerned about cinderheart, so jayfeather just comes off as grouchy all the time. but really he's lonely and sad.

so yeah, jayfeather is kind of moping around camp and then the tree falls and whoops now briarpaw/light is parapalegic.

and uhh this goes more or less as in canon but we don't get pov which is fine bc u can sub in canon. but jayfeather? he's still a sad boy but now he's a sad boy with purpose and that makes all the difference

yeah he's close with her. they're sweet. it's sweet. he's pressured by brambleclaw to take an apprentice. he's bristly and angry and "you're not my real father" you know?

beaver crew gets back. jayfeather, who had missed holly, is back to being angry for...angst and plot purpose, really.

but you know, when you love & miss someone and they leave and they come back and somehow that's worse because now they can leave you again? and you can't tell them you want them to stay because you're angry and hurt but you want them to stay? god i'm excited to write these chapters i love emotional turmoil.

he's protective of briarlight, he's trying to keep dovepaw from being a medicine cat, hollyleaf is apologizing but he's not ready to hear it and lionblaze and hollyleaf are beginning to reconnect and it feels like betrayal. so when cinderheart and lionblaze go to the tribe, he tags along. everyone, uh, strongly encourages he go. he is the big grouch.

section three: time travelling times

okay so the timeline for these books is...messy. if you track the chronology of my writing, it's messy. which is to say, i was thinking i could put forgotten warrior and distant whispers over the same time span, but that actually doesn't work, as i review my notes for FW because a big part of it is ivy and holly's relationship. so. fake news. whoops. that sucks.

or maybe it doesn't? idk i don't usually tell linear stories. i like messing with emotional impact of events. so writing 600k of very linear story telling is very not easy for me. but i'm trying.

right so basically the official order of events until i change my mind again is as follows (names abbreviated as DIHLJC because they're all unique): DCH returns from beavers, DILCJ go to tribe with some other random warrior undecided, J + rando return, JH start awkwardness (beginning of TFW, middle of DW), DILC return (end of DW), time travel stuff (middle to end of TFW). hopefully that was intelligble, but it is admittedly 85% for my own benefit.

alright so we've covered during beavers, now jayfeather and hmmmm let's say, uhhhh, let's say they go with, literally any interesting background character, uh, bumblestripe! he doesn't do anything in this au bumblestripe goes with them. also since his name starts w b i can still write DIHLJCB and have things be unambigious. and it means there are fewer bs in thunderclan and trust me you don't know how frustrating the existence of like 6 b characters is.

alright so we really have 3 sets of two pairs of cats here. maybe i won't go w bumblestripe, bc he doesn't have an existing relationship w jayfeather. i dunno. i'm a big fan of jay & briar, whether as a ship or just besties, but that's just out, and hollyleaf can't come a) because i said so and b) honestly maybe she can? actually wait hold on that solves my problems. hot damn so 6/6 of the pov cats go to the tribe and this will be one of the only times all six characters are plot relevant at the same time. but i'm going george r r martin on it and seperating the books not by time but into DICL + JH because they're two completely separate character arcs that happen to take place at the same time. (don't worry i'm going to resolve the fallen leaves thing. in this essay ig bc i've already covered hollyleaf.)

okay so yeah hollyleaf is sent bc jayfeather isn't planning on staying w tribe for long time. just short time. and he's all "firestar why"

"well jayfeather," firestar says, "you don't talk to your family."

"i talk to dovewing," jayfeather says

"you're not related to her," firestar says

"there's a whole prophecy about how i'm related to her," jayfeather says

"you know about that?" firestar says

and that's how the cat gets out of the bag.

so anyway. jayfeather and hollyleaf are sent because...hold on, spinning the wheel of reasons for a character to go on a field trip...because...because...because...because...jayfeather had one of those dreams. i don't know. rock or something. now he's going.

they get there, and this is where the books get a lil time wonky, bc jayfeather and hollyleaf stay for like a moon, during which jayfeather goes back in time. i think.

i haven't worked out the details and probably won't until i do an updated au synopsis because it's hard to keep track and i'm more concerned about character through lines. like, jayfeather does this and he feels sad, and hollyleaf is sad about her ghost boyfriend, and they're travelling back together, and hollyleaf is his sister and she doesn't make him feel like he needs protection and lionblaze is bad at that, and they start to talk again.

and yeah, they bond. again. it's kind of, on top of their old bond? like they don't repair anything, they bond like strangers. but it's not nothing, and that matters.

so jayfeather gets back, and we're moving into book five, and i don't remember when the last time i made a section break was or what number we're on, so...sorry.

section ???: old man yells at cloud

alright it's finally jayfeather's moment. you know, he's one of my favorite characters, and he only gets a book and a half. "but mateo," i hear you saying, "doesn't every character get a book and a half? and more importantly, 6x1.5 is 9, so how does every character get a book and a half?" well, yes, every character does, but dovewing and ivypool are relevant in books 1-3 and 6, cinderheart in 1-3 and 5, lionblaze in 1-3, and hollyleaf in 2-5 (and has a critical role in 1 and 6, just no character development), while jayfeather is just really essential to books 4-5, and has a background role in 3. that means he's about equal to lionblaze. he's equal to lionblaze. as far as the numbers go, i cannot tell you. it's a mystery.

right so the reason for this is because (a) jayfeather doesn't do that much in oots. i love him, but he's not, like, super important, and (b) he's going to work better in these books if he's concentrated. because his big theme is his relationship with hollyleaf and the past. they're both kind of stuck in it but in different ways. and that prevents them from ever properly healing. so jay never has a full arc in this. i mean he has a full arc, it's just not a satisfying one. and that means he's sort of got to be put in the containment units.

so anyway, he gets his real big moments in the fifth book, when he's reuniting starclan. i think this is one of the riskier decisions on my part: we'll see whether or not i can deliver on him the way i plan to. but i think i can pull it off so that his arc is more meaningful condensed as such.

right. so. jayfeather is decided. he is going to fix starclan. because dead cats need to get thier shit together and he dgaf.

he spends a decent amount of time arguing with yellowfang and bluestar, because basically no important cats have died. at least we're in omen of the stars so it still makes sense? i have no idea why yellow/blue are still so important. please kill more important cats. it makes us feel things.

but feathertail is also probably going to be involved, i don't know. i haven't read these books (specifically, books 4 and 5 of oots) in forever so i don't really remember what happens. but he's kind of, super done with everything. i think he'll probably try to get the support of mothwing and kestrelflight (which is canon i believe?) and try to work as a team. i feel like there's weirdness w shadowclan too i should sort out.

so yeah, there's some medicine cat bonding, everything is OK, sol is happening? but cinderheart is dealing with that. jayfeather is naturally very upset about disconnects with sol but like he's also dealing with stuff i...i really need to reread outcast and sign of the moon. well, they're on my list after "all of these fucking riverclan novels like why they don't show up in the main series but i still have to read a bunch to be able to write them that's not fair."

alright, well, with that very vague description of what happens, moving on, the prophecy gets revealed to the clans at a whole in like...the ending eighth of this book. trying to maximise the amount of exposure to other clans without messing with the pacing.

so jayfeather and undecided warrior B (definitively not hollyleaf) go to windclan. jayfeather is...very unhappy about this. he does not want to leave. thunderclan is his home, and he's blind, and it's really hard to adapt to a new space and he thinks everyone is going to treeat him badly.

and well, if you've read my culture posts, windclan is....very pro-medicine cats and pro-prophecy cats. funerals. mourning. prayer. is probably the best place to start, but to get to the meat of it, start with general clan culture. to summarize, windclan: religious. but kind of like catholics, they don't believe in an individual connection with starclan. only leaders, and medicine cats, and very rarely members of prophecies have a connection. so. jayfeather. he's twice over. that's very cool to windclan.

so cats are kind of falling over themselves to help him, and like. i mean jayfeather is a grouch and he hates that he needs someone to help him through the territory, but at least they don't treat it like a chore, or like he's pitiable. this is a desirable task. apprentices want to know about his powers. and kestrelflight is a respected part of the clan, arguably more important than onestar, and jayfeather has never really gotten over being shoved in the healer hole as a child like it was lesser or easier to be a medicine cat, and so it's a big change.

and yeah. so i mean. an unobservant reader might say jayfeather has sufficient ego. he does not need stroking. they, of course, would be wrong.

jayfeather has a complex, but it's not an ego issue. he's...he's been denied everything he's wanted, and he's jaded, and weary, and he's never really believed that his clan views him as able and equal. in canon, at present, he's lost almost every cat he's every cared about. alderheart is his strongest remaining tie, and his fear at losing him, but willingness to let him leave, is very telling.

so yeah, jayfeather enjoys being accepted. anyone would. he doesn't really have confidence issues, but....argh. i know why this is good i swear it'll come out in the writing.

anyway, that's...that's pretty much it. jayfeather? done.

#warrior cats #warriors au #warriors #hollyleaf #jayfeather #q #mine #txt #13th #March #2021 #March 13th 2021 #cloudtail's daughter #essay #long

[dotthings]

So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities. 

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands. 

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts. 

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune. 

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once. 

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often. 

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet. 

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again. 

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t). 

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack. 

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first. 

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him. 

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me. 

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly. 

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way. 

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

#Dean Winchester #Castiel #Destiel #Dean and Cas #Team Free Will #Jack Kline #Supernatural #spn #supernatural spoilers #meta

[bigskydreaming]

TFW you just wanna do a fandom wide “Find and replace” for everywhere Dick’s referred to as having “died” and swap it out for just....died.

LOLOL remember, death trauma doesn’t count if while in the days you’re in a coma recovering from actually being dead for a few minutes your dad goes ahead and tells everyone you died but just leaves out the part where you came back to life and then physically and emotionally abuses you into maintaining that illusion so you can go do a mission you absolutely don’t want to do and is in no way to your physical and emotional betterment or allowing for any kind of actual recovery on your part, or even just some time to process everything that happened to you, but that you will most definitely be blamed for by every one to later find out that you’re no longer dead, but hahaha its all good, its not like you actually DIED or anything.

Oh.

Wait.

....awkward.

#there's like....a weird almost aggressiveness to INSISTING on referring to Dick's death as fake that I just do not understand even a little #bit #like whyyyyyyyyyy tho #i know why it bothers me to see it but why does it bother people so much to just.....refer to him having actually died? #inquiring minds wanna know #and that answer BETTER not be well its a competition with Jason and Damian and Cass and if it wasnt as long as it was for them #its not allowed to count #because YIKES

[cuddlemonsterdean]

A little Supernatural question, fill-out, thing! Pop the questions into a text post and answer for yourself if you want!

1. When did you start watching Supernatural?

October 2012, when season 8 was airing, and right around the time everything in my life was taking a serious nose-dive that was about to get much worse. honestly if i hadn’t found it then, i don’t know if i’d still be here at all.

i didn’t even have an account yet so i was browsing someone’s blog that had stuff from all kinds of fandoms on it. around that time i had been lurking in the batman fandom for a bit but it wasn’t really doing it for me so i was looking for something new to obess over. i kept seeing gifsets and stuff from spn, so i thought i’d give it a go. the first ep i watched was Lazarus Rising, and within not even 10 minutes i knew that this was it

2. Who is your favorite in TFW? 

I just love dean so much - he means everything to me. he’s taught me so much, he makes me happy, he inspires me. he makes me be brave when i don’t wanna be

3. Who is your least favorite in TFW? 

that’s a weird question??? i might not blog about them as much but i don’t dislike sam or cas. honestly it makes me sad when people (as in, fans) try to pitch tfw against each other

4. Tag your top 5 Supernatural blogs! 

i don’t follow a whole lot of people because i’m cautious of wank and stan wars and such but i love having @postmodernmulticoloredcloak @wigglebox @jensensitive @dotthings @occamshipper @mittensmorgul @deathswaywardson and @softcuddlydean on my dash :) (...that’s eight already. and i probably forgot someone. i’m not good with numbers okay!! o(>.<)o)

5. Who is your favorite character (not including TFW)?

it’s so hard to pick one but - Donna!!! i love her so much, she’s so upbeat and fun too watch but she has depth too and layers and i’ve really enjoyed how they’ve developed her as a character. i kind of look up to her :)

6. Who is your favorite woman in Supernatural? 

basically the same as above but - honestly all of the women are awesome

7. John or Mary? 

i don’t like this vs trend but Mary. maybe she’s difficult to love, but i personally really appreciate the decisions they made regarding her character and her character development, that she wasn’t this perfect mother dean remembered. i’ve never, ever, been able to relate to a mother child dynamic on tv before mary and dean. oftentimes mothers are portrayed as either perfect or evil, and to see this struggle, this gray area - it meant a lot to me, it was really powerful. i in general appreciate the message that it’s possible to both love and hate your parents at the same time, and that it’s something that’s just allowed to be that way

8. What were your first opinions of Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack? 

i honestly don’t really remember. it’s also difficult because i already had half a foot in fandom and was also watching season 8 while it aired while also playing catch up on season 1-7 at the same time. with jack, i remember that i really appreciated alexander calvert’s acting choices, because he did this blend of innocent and ominous/threatening so well

9. What’s your favorite season? 

if you’d asked me this during season 13, i’d have said season 13, but now it’s definitely season 14 (for now, since 15 just started airing). the michael storyline was like my favorite ever (and inspired my to write what i think is, so far, my best deancas longfic), but also overall the season was so neat and fascinating thematically

10. What’s your least favorite season? 

i don’t really have one, though i’d say while rewatching the entire show over the summer i found season 6 the hardest to get through. not even because of everything that goes down with cas but like - the one and only good thing that happens to team free will there was getting sam’s soul back, and even that had painful repercussions. there is some really interesting stuff in there, but overall it was hard to watch

11. Opinions on Destiel? 

it’s canon. like - if someone tries to tell me it’s not i have to assume they’re being willfully ignorant on the subject (of course it’s perfectly fine not to ship it and stuff but arguing its very existence is kind of ridiculous at this point)

12. Do you believe Supernatural queerbaits? 

no. honestly i kind of feel like that word gets thrown around so quickly and so frequently people have forgotten what queerbaiting actually is and what it is not, and that’s done some serious damage

13. Seasons 1-7 or 8-14?

again with the vs thing but - 8-14. dean and sam finally have a bigger family and an actual home, that alone always makes me gravitate more to the later seasons

14. Favorite villain (plot wise)? 

Michael (big surprise XD). i enjoyed him so much, especially since he foreshadows what dean’s going through in regards to chuck/god rn

15. Do you think they should end the Lucifer plot line? 

don’t know when this questionaire was made - i think it’s over, and they did well with it

16. Who do you think has gone through more trauma (Sam, Dean, or Cas)? 

honestly, i think with trauma, we shouldn’t compare it like that. they’ve all been traumatized repeatedly - sometimes in similiar ways, but even then everyone reacts differently. it’s not fair to do comparisons, and it doesn’t help either

17. What’s your favorite Supernatural episode? 

i used to say i’m married to The Executioner’s Song, then Tombstone aired and i had the time of my life, and then Nihilism aired - and that ep was like everything i’ve ever wanted. i bet @postmodernmulticoloredcloak can still remember me spamming them via text while watching - which took me like two hours because i kept screaming about everything basically XD

18. Do you like case episodes? 

i love them

19. Who do you relate most to in TFW? 

dean. for all the reasons i already stated in 2., but also i’m the oldest daughter and had to protect my younger siblings as a kid (domestic violence situation, among other things). my younger “sister” and i weren’t blood related but i would have died for her, she meant everything to me. plus, dean’s really emotional but has a lot of protective walls that he needs to survive, and i can relate to that as well

20. Why do you like Supernatural? 

too many reasons to list them all. there’s dean, there’s the whole found family trope. the complexity of the characters and their dynamics, the deeply psychological themes than run through the entire narrative. i think you can really tell that the people - actors, writers, directors, crew - really love making the show, and put a lot of effort into it. it’s not a “perfect” show (which doesn’t exist anyway) but it’s made with love. plus we got this amazing cast that cares so much and gives so much, and it really makes you feel less alone, makes you feel seen and heard even if you never meet any of them face to face. it’s genuine, and it’s rare, and i cherish it, just like the show

21. If you could bring back one character and kill off another who would they be? 

hm, i genuinely can’t think of anyone i’d kill off rn. who i’d bring back - benny was awesome and i miss him. also eileen, but apparently we will see her again in some way, so there’s that :)

@wigglebox i did this because you said you’re tagging everyone who wants to do this, so now i’m stealing your move and saying the same! ;D

#kelpie talks #spn ask game

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

did you ever like dean/lisa together ? i think lisa is a great character but i never feel like she was dean's true love. i was mad when he erased lisa and ben's memory

I think Lisa as a character was awesome and I wish she had made some sort of comeback. There really should be consequences on Dean's end for making that decision. It goes along with that theme I've been talking about in my anti Dean Winchester tags wherein he makes decisions for other people without their consent because it's easier for him to live with himself, not that its necessarily easy or the best for the ones he's making decisions for. He thought it would be best for Lisa and Ben to forget all about him because it makes it easier for him to live with the guilt about all the crap he brought into their lives. I mean, I'm sure there's a part of him that was thinking, "this is best for Lisa and Ben" but if he truly loved them and truly respected them, he would allow them to make that call for themselves. Not to mention, stripping those memories away, at least before they knew about the supernatural world but post season 6, they know nothing and that's really dangerous particular since the supernatural society knows about Lisa and Ben's affiliation with Dean.

But I think it might've been cool to see Lisa make a comeback. Maybe pop up around season 9 after Cas's fall; maybe when he became human, everything he used magic on such as the memory spell used on Ben and Lisa weakened and Lisa began remembering things (at least I think it was a spell Cas used, it might've been his memory stripping ability). Hell, maybe she and Ben are a kickass Mother-Son hunter duo right now. But it would've been nice to see tfw encounter Lisa again if for nothing else that to see Lisa teach Dean a lesson about taking decisions away from other people even if you have good intentions behind it. I mean, Dean stans are always talking about how Dean is supposed to be this beacon of light for humanity and freewill...so how is it that he spends more time than any of the other characters taking away others' choices? And Lisa could be the driving force to tell Dean, "Hey, this shit is messed up. You need to grow up and let us make our own choices and not try to romanticize us into your ideal fantasy." This is something Cas and Sam can't do because plain and simple, they're still caught up in their own emotional trauma with Dean. But Lisa isn't in that situation, she can tell it like it is.

I was never a big fan of the Dean/Lisa relationship, I was always way more interested in her as an individual character. Plus, she's also way too good for Dean. She was kind and patient and empathetic but also fiercely independent with her life very much put-together, I honestly have no idea what Dean brought to the relationship. In fact having her as a recurring character in season 6 was one of the better parts of the season if you ask me, so what if they only really used her to play the "damsel in distress" trope, I could still like the character for what she was and I wish we had more of her and got to see more of her play an active role in learning about Dean's world. Now, did Dean love her? To a certain extent and in his own way, yes. Destiel stans in particular often try to invalidate the relationship by saying Lisa and Ben just represented a fantasy and the only person Dean could ever truly love is Cas. But I disagree. For one thing, it takes away from Lisa and Ben's autonomy within the story and that they didn't matter other than to show Dean the "apple pie" life wouldn't work and Lisa and Ben deserve better than that kind of narrative. So my own process on all of this, yes, I think Dean did love Lisa and Ben as part of this fantasy he's always had but that doesn't mean he didn't love them beyond the fantasy. And to those who ship Destiel, Dean can still love Lisa and also love Cas. It is possible to have more than "one true love". We fall in love in different stages of our lives. Sometimes the ones we view as a "one true love" don't work out because of the situations our lives were at during that time but that doesn't make that love any less epic. TVD is complete trash, I know, but one line always stuck with me and I loved it because it's so true. Stefan has decided that he's going to move on from Elena, he's going to admit that his relationship with her is over and as he laments to Lexi that he doesn't know how he could possibly let an epic love like Elena go, "What if she's 'the one'?" And Lexi responds with, "You can have multiple 'ones'. Dean can have multiple people he loves. He could love Lisa and still love Cas. Lisa could've been his epic love that didn't work out because of the situation. Will Cas fall into that same bucket? Who knows. I'm highly skeptical on a Destiel endgame and it's definitely not something I want but hey, I'm not going to trash on someone else's ship and tell them there's no hope. Now with all that said, I'm still not a fan of the Dean/Lisa ship. Even though I said Dean probably loved her but being able to infer the writer's intent vs what the actual content is are two very different things. I can infer Dean and Lisa's feelings for each other but that doesn't mean I found their relationship in any way believable. Dean decides to meet up with Lisa after one night he spent with her and he expects her to still hold some kind of flame for him? Dude, it's been years. And he just shows up to her house just expecting her to take him in which is a testament to how genuinely good of a person Lisa is but again, what is it that Dean actually brings to the table?

#anti dean winchester #lisa braeden

[amazildoessomethingstupid]

Chapter 89: Guest of Honor (finished)

Hey guys...I..I did it...I read it.  I don’t think I properly explained how I’m doing these rants.  I’m not just reading this page by page and listing off all my points as I go on, on this blog.  I’m reading these chapters all at once, really quick giving a few remarks on the discord, and then afterwards going back and doing typing these rants and going over every beat.  I do this so that I can be able to not only present my initial reactions, but also my reactions and feelings about the chapter overall.

Now you might be asking, “Amazil?  Who gives a shit?  Why are you telling us this?  Get the part where Abbey fist bumps Paulo’s jugular!” Well I’m telling you this, because it turns out my reasoning for splitting this chapter review in two was valid.  Because this chapter has a lot of cute shit, it’s got some really nice character building, it’s really cute, it really warmed me up.  

WHICH IS WHY THIS FUCKING SCENE IS SO FUCKING BULLSHIT!

LOOK AT THIS!

So we start off, everything’s fine.  Paulo’s being Paulo, that’s cool.  And hey look, everyone’s all dressed up that’s nice.  Even Stacey’s here! How great! Paulo doesn’t even get a chance to poke that much fun at them before

Oh hey, Daisy’s back!  and oh hey how awkward~ But awww look at how sappy they are, it’s actually sickeningly sweet.  

Luckily Paulo balances this out, with his personality and I like this.

He’s not being an ass, he’s not trying to be rude or anything.  He’s just saying how he feels, and he’s honest about it.  It’s refreshing y’know? and

oh no...

Are we seriously doing this RIGHT NOW?

Are you serious?!

HE LITERALLY HASN’T DONE ANYTHING YET!

YOU’RE NOT GONNA BUILD UP TO THIS OR ANYTHING?! YOU’RE JUST GONNA-

WHELP!  ALRIGHT THEN!  YOU WANTED IT, HERE IT IS!  HERE IT FUCKING IS!  I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT!

I’m right there with you, Paulo.  What the fuck is going on?!

OH THAT’S WHAT WE’RE DOING NOW?! IS THIS WHERE YOU’RE GOING?

well first of all...

That’s right, you don’t deserve the actual EVA version, you get the simpson’s version.  But I’m with you, Abbey because I too now know the kind of person you are! You know at first when people called you a white-knight character, I didn’t see a problem with that, your character was pretty alright.  In fact I was a solid Abbey X Daisy shipper, because I felt the two of you could work through each other’s problems and insecurities, and better each other.  And even when you became more self-righteous and jaded, I gave it a pass because y’know what?  You’ve been through a lot and you’re just trying to do what’s right. BUT THIS?!

THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!  What. The. Fuck?!  Coming from the guy who took advantage of attacking someone when they were unprepared and defenseless.  How the fuck can you stoop so low, while still grand standing on your high horse?  

You judgy, self-righteous, grand standing, holier than thou, cowardly piece of shit.  What the fuck are you talking about?!  First of all Paulo’s only been in three relationships so far.  and he didn’t have sex or do anything like that until Rachel!  And HIM taking advantage of girls?!  Which girl are you talking about?  Are you talking about his relationship with Tess where he was kind of being lead on?  Or do you mean his relationship with Jasmine!  Where he was bending over backwards for her, making as much time as possible for her, and trying his hardest to make it work, did all he could, and never tried to bang her; is that where he was taking advantage of a girl?!  Or are you talking about when he want on his sexcapades, where he only banged a total of TWO girls.  You might think he was taking advantage of them, until you remember THEY WERE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM TO GET REVENGE ON TESS!  

(except Rachel, because Rachel actually just loves Paulo and wanted to fuck him)

But wait!  Maybe you’re talking about him taking advantage of Lucy!  Are you arguing that Paulo was taking advantage of Lucy in her distressed state to make a relationship?

BECAUSE IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SAYING

WELL I’M SORRY BUT I’VE SEEN THE FUTURE

AND   WE   WILL   GET   TO   THAT   LATER

Fuck you!  He literally didn’t do anything at all!  When I was going through this chapter, I was anxious to see what lead to this!  I was spoiled into knowing that this scene happens, but I was interested in diving into and picking apart what lead to this scene, and how we got here.  BUT NO!  WE DON’T GET THAT!  PAULO DIDN’T DO ANYTHING IN THIS CHAPTER TO WARRANT THIS SHIT!  THIS IS LITERALLY JUST ABBEY BEING A JEALOUS CONTROLLING LITTLE BITCH, WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE FUCKING DECENCY TO FACE SOMEONE IN A FAIR FUCKING FIGHT!  

HEY ABBEY!

HEY ABBEY I GOT A QUESTION FOR YA?

HOW MUCH ARE YOU PAYING YOUR THERAPIST?

CAUSE WHATEVER YOU’RE PAYING THEM IS TOO FUCKING MUCH!  

*sigh* this is the exact reason I stopped reading BCB years ago...Because when I was making January, I wanted to be true to the characters.  I wanted to give respect to the canon by trying to be as faithful as I could to these characters.  But I knew I had to stop reading, or else shit like this would happen.  Shit like December, that completely bastardizes the characters, magnifies an aspect of their personality until it consumes them and they become something else.  Something unforgivable.  These characters change their stances so often, I knew if I stayed true to the canon as it went on, that I’d just be adapting their characters and changing them again and again because of the canon.  

People can say what they want about me, but I don’t want this.  I don’t want to see these characters that inspired me, that I loved, and grew attached to become bastardized versions of themselves.  I made January, not because I wanted to make a better BCB, not because I thought I could do a better job, not to spit on everything BCB did wit December, but because I want to see these characters get out of this okay.  I want to see them grow, and fix themselves, be happy, and work through their problems.  I want everything to be okay.  But it’s not.  And it won’t be.

Anyway, after this Mike comes into the bathroom to check on Paulo. He realizes Paulo’s hurt and is concerned about him, but Paulo...

Paulo covers for Abbey, and believes that Abbey was right, and he’s just...

This isn’t fun anymore...

Boy Abbey, look at you.  It’s great seeing how much you care about your girlfriend’s interest.  

TFW the guy you choked out in the bathroom is more enthused about your girlfriend’s interests than you are.  Boy that’s...I can’t even laugh at this.

Anyway, Sue bitches at the group to get a move on, cause they’re part of a panel for something.  And Paulo decides that he’s gonna split, to avoid further confrontation or making a scene.  Daisy takes notice, and

I used to really like this character...

Anyway, look at that!  Mike’s actually taking this seriously, makes sense given his own dealing with abuse.  HOLY SHIT THIS CHAPTER JUST MADE ME LIKE MIKE FOR A SECOND.  JESUS ABBEY, YOU MUST’VE FUCKED UP REAL BAD!

but wait a second...

is that?

*gasp*

IT’S MAH BOY!  McCAIN IS IN THE HOUSE!  WHAT IS THIS CHAPTER!?  IS THIS THE CURSE OF THE MONKEY’S PAW?!

Fuck you, Abbey no one gives a shit.

Anyway, Daisy does the right thing and takes Paulo home. And y’know...

This shit’s still cute...

This part is pretty nice, but....

it feels so hollow...

This is why I split this rant in half.  Because just as I thought, that scene destroys this chapter.  It’s not even that everything before it is great, the stuff after it is also pretty good. But that scene is just so fucking enfuriating that it taints everything around it.  When I heard about this scene, it was all I heard about.  No one talked about the rest of this chapter, no one brought up how fucking adorable Paulo and Daisy are in this chapter.  No one brings up how well they actually play off each other here.  No.  The only thing that matters is that Abbey strangles Paulo in the bathroom.  That’s all there is.  And I don’t blame them.  This is the exact reason I hate BCB.  That scene was not set up properly, there was no build up to that.  And it’s not like I don’t enjoy myself a good gut wrenching emotional scene.  But if I’ve learned anything from reading so many webcomics, it’s that a scene like this should feel like a knife in the gut.

specifically a knife to the gut.  Because it’s from the front.  You see it coming.  You know it’s coming, and you can look into the eyes of the author as they tell you why this is happening.  And you accept it.  You know that this sadness, this bitter taste in your mouth was done with purpose, and it had to happen this way.  

BCB doesn’t do that.  It stabs you in the back.  It lulls you into a false sense of security before pulling the rug out from under you.  It’s predictable now.  Every time something nice happens, when the characters are finally in a pretty good place, that’s when shit hits the fan.  That’s when this shit happens.  And I’m sick of it.  This chapter is a sugary sweet delicious donut with a razor blade inside it.  And it’s clear that all this sweet cute shit was just to butter you up, but no amount of sugar will make that blade go down any easier.  

This is the chapter that killed Abbey.  And I think the worst part is...there are still people who will defend this character, defend his actions, all because of what happened to him in the past.  And to those, I say...

I get it.  Trauma in all its shapes and forms can severely affect a person.  It can change the way we think, the way we behave, the way we perceive the things around us.  It can make us do reprehensible things, and act out against those we love, or those just trying to help.  It’s a terrible thing, what it does.  

But no matter what.  Do not let your trauma, or instability control you.  Don’t let it define you.  And most importantly.  Don’t let it excuse you.  I have hesitated to make rants like this, for years.  Because of my history with Veronica Vera.  I had been told so many times that I shouldn’t speak out about this shit, even if I softened my words because her BPD would make her take this in a way I don’t want her to.  But there was a valuable lesson I learned over these years.  When I was taking care of my older brother who attempted suicide and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  

As a part-time college student, with a credit card my mom let me use I was in charge of buying his medication.  I took him to his appointments, I took him where he wanted to go, I did everything to support him.  And in return, I’d find the pills outside their bottles uneaten and lying on counters.  I’d find him drinking instead of taking his medication, he’d be screaming and yelling at an empty house while I hid in my room to escape.  I’d buy locks for my door and constantly keep them locked even when I was at home, because I found he’d use and steal my things when I was gone or he thought I wouldn’t notice.  From that I learned a lesson that I hold today.  That was probably what gave me the strength to start January and make my own fan comics for BCB.

I learned that when you find yourself suffering, dragged down, and going insane yourself because of someone else’s mental illness.  

Then that person’s mental illness, shouldn’t be your problem.  

Maybe I’m just projecting here.  Maybe I’m taking this too far, and reading into things too much, applying my own experiences to this character and using that to excuse my opinions on their behavior.

Maybe that’s what you’re doing too, when you excuse Abbey’s behavior.

The difference is, I want to see these characters be better than this.  And I don’t want to see these other characters have to break because of someone else’s trauma.  I want these characters to make it out okay.  

But I know that’s not the case.

Fuck this scene.

#Bittersweet Candy Bowl #This kills the Amazil #rant

[misccee]

21 SPN themed questions

Tagged by @ain-t-bovvered​

1. when did you start watching supernatural?

2012

2. who is your favourite in tfw?

- cas Cas CAS  C A S

3. who is your least favourite in tfw?

- My 3rd fav is Sam

4. tag your top 5 supernatural blogs.

- I love all your meta blogs and gifmakers!

5. what is your favorite character (not including tfw)?

- JoOoOody Mills

6. who is your favorite woman in supernatural?

- Bela deserved a redemption arc

7. John or Mary?

- Bobby

8. what were your first opinions of sam, dean, cas and jack?

- Dean: 10/10 would bang

- Sam: Stop being uptight.

- Cas: I have these new feelings that I don’t understand.

- Jack: Not a baby then. Cool cool cool.

9. whats your favorite season?

- Season 5

10. whats your least favorite season?

- 6 or 7

11. opinions on destiel?

- Buy me some whites and a cap, bc that’s my ship.

12. do you believe supernatural queerbaits?

- Seasons 4-6, eh? Don’t really think they thought too much about it. Seasons 8-10, absolutely. Presently? Could go either way.

13. seasons 1-7 or 8-14?

- How can you compare apples to oranges. 

14. favorite villain (plot wise)?

- Chuck, ha ha ha

15. do you think they should end the Lucifer plot line?

- Yeah, like, in S11. Bored now.

16. who do you think has gone through more trauma (sam, dean or cas)?

- Sam spent longer in hell...but Dean had to endure a higher grade of abuse from John from mush earlier on. Cas had Naomi fuck with his head, so even tho he’s had millennia, he doesn’t remember it?

17. whats your favorite supernatural episode?

- The End

18. do you like case episodes?

- Depends on the ep

19. who do you relate most to in tfw?

- In terms of childhood emotional abuse and being an empathetic people pleaser: DEAN

20. why do you like supernatural?

- It ticks all my boxes: soapy; drama; mythology; hot dudes; meta/subtext & visual cues; informed set design.

21. if you could bring back one character and kill off another who would they be?

Ellen could’ve brought so much as a maternal figure and “neutral” hunter. 

Lucifer/Nick could go now please bye

@dates-with-cas @silvie111 ...or whoever wants to play

#tag game #just for fun #no obligation #oh so lonesome for queue

[huntershelper25]

I can’t remember who I stole this from. It was 3 AM and I just hit copy and paste and saved for later. So if you know who started these please let me know so I can give them proper credit.

1. when did you start watching supernatural?

I would have to say it was 2009 or 2010. I was flipping through the channels and I saw Baby and I was like OOOOO nice car! So I flipped back and then it was OOOO hot guys! and then I was hooked. I went on a hunt to find ALL the episodes and started watching from the beginning.

2. who is your favourite in tfw?

I love them all, but Dean is my absolute favorite. I have a thing for broken men... what can I say. But beyond that I just love his character development over the years and I love when we get to see a glimpse of silly goofy Dean. I miss that Dean.

3. who is your least favourite in tfw?

Yeah, that’s not… 404: answer not found

4. tag your top 5 supernatural blogs.

@nyxocity​ @noturbaby​ )I’ve been out of the game for a few years and so far these are the only OG gals that seem to still be active. I am definitely looking for new people to add to this list!!! 

5. what is your favourite character (not including tfw)?

Lucifer... well, not the recent one, but the old Sassy Lucy I loved him

6. who is your favourite woman in supernatural?

Charlie

7. John or Mary?

Oh wow that’s tough, they both have their pros and cons... I’m going to go with Mary though. I have to give her some leway in the fact that she DID die and missed her kids growing up and so she has to learn to be a mom to adults. I always had a bad “relationship” with John.

8. what were your first opinions of sam, dean, cas and jack?

 Well TBH I thought Sam was a bit of a Debbie Downer I’m so evil woe es me. Dean I didn’t take too seriously at first, which I think was kinda the point. They wanted you to get to know him before he showed you his true colors. Cas... due to my religious background I kinda laughed at him and found him to be a bit of a joke... sorry, just being honest. and Jack... I gave him the benefit of the doubt from the beginning.

9. whats your favourite season?

Oh, man! This is hard... I don’t have a favorite season tbh... maybe ten? it’s the one I rewatch the most for some reason.

10. whats your least favourite season?

Seven. Like, only because Bobby dies and I can’t… like, I just can’t.

11. opinions on destiel?

I don’t ship it and am not a fan of it, but as long as you’re a polite shipper you have no beef with me.

12. do you believe supernatural queerbaits?

No. I do not.

13. seasons 1-7 or 8-14?

I refuse... that’s not fair.

14. favourite villain (plot wise)?

Crowley. But… also, Lucifer, but also starting to love Michael…

15. do you think they should end the Lucifer plot line?

Um, yes. I love Lucifer he holds a special place in my heart, but I think his story has been told and it’s time to let him go.

16. who do you think has gone through more trauma (sam, dean or cas)?

While Sam’s trauma is more on the surface and we see it unfold right in front f us, I honestly think Dean has been through more. He just hides it better. I mean just look at his character development. He went from this goofy, silly, joke telling, prankster, who was obviously hiding his pain behind the jokes, to a drunk who uses his fist and his guns to work things out. I’m just waiting for the day that Dean’s lead friggin box can’t take it anymore and his marbles spill all over the bunker floor.

17. whats your favourite supernatural episode?

Death’s Door. tbh I think they should have left Bobby with that episode. It was so beautifully done. I think it was a disservice to his character to bring him back the way they did.

18. do you like case episodes?

Yeah. What’s not to like?

19. who do you relate most to in tfw?

Probably Sam. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves and feel emotions so deeply. We care for others more than ourselves and I have definitely had moments, like Sam, where I felt I was unimportant and people would be better off without me (I’m better now guys I promise! That’s why I left Tumblr all those years ago. I needed to get my head on straight and deal with my depression)

20. why do you like supernatural?

It is a show that hurts so good and makes me so happy at the same time and the fact that they can pull off the dynamic that they do, consistently, is amazing. (leaving this answer because it said it better than I could)

21. if you could bring back one character and kill off another who would they be?

If I have to kill someone off to get someone back than I refuse to answer this question. They all have a part to play in this story. They all have a purpose, no matter how insignificant. It isn’t fair to kill one off to bring back a character that may end up doing disservice to that character by stringing them through a story line that they just don’t fit in anymore.

#SPN #Supernatural #TFW #Sam #Dean #Cas #about me #these are fun

[thedogsled]

Post-ep notes: s13x09, mid-season finale.

I’m going to take some quick notes and then go the fuck to sleep like a good angel. Let’s see if I can remember everything I want to.

In this post: Shooting from above; Dean Winchester’s trauma; Jack the Nephilim; Angel theory; Kaia, Patience and Jody; The bad place spec; Hooded personage; ; Billie’s house of cards; and me being super duper tired and still having to do adult things tomorrow.

The filmed from above shots that run through this episode give a very strong sense of being watched over, and not in a good way. We get a lot of very overwhelming music to stress you out, those muted foghorn things they do in the trailers for disaster movies. I think this is actually intended long term as a Wayward aesthetic and not an SPN one tbh, since I imagine they will be in different styles, but it does also give the feeling of impending doom i.e. Billie’s house of cards falling down.

Speaking of: Dean Winchester doesn’t give a shit about houses of cards, because fuck that.

No but really. This is PTSD Dean shining through. We were reminded of his Hell trauma last week, and when he was shown Mary suffering “Somebody help me!” he went right back to it. You’ve got to imagine how often he must have screamed that with no answer. No answer no answer no answer until he BROKE, until he came down off the rack and picked up the poker for himself. And now he finds out that all this time he’s been lying around drinking beer and grieving or celebrating with his cowboy boyfriend or hunting Mary has been in her own Hell calling out for help? Damn right he’s going to do whatever it takes to save her, because nobody saved him. Dean’s actions are those of a traumatized, desperate man.

Moving on.

Jack my bundle of lovely boy has grown so much since he left the bunker. I know I for one could see the ‘he didn’t kill Derek’ coming because I trust him, so that was a little ‘You really thought your nougat boy had done it, didn’t you!’ at the audience, and then in the car Jack is like staring through the fourth wall at the audience shaking his head ‘so fucking what if I’m Satan’s son he’s not my father’. And outright says so, and Dean tells him he’s family. The only sting in the tail of this is it comes easily for Jack and it took for fucking ever for Dean to tell Cas when he needed to hear it. (I was right here. Where were you?) But Jack is family and Sam believes it too thank fuck for that. Sam ‘he’s not an it, he’s Cas!’ Winchester, who needs to make emotional connections for himself. But yeah Jack was just so full of sweet optimism despite everything and I loved him for that. I keep talking about found family, but that boy has found his. He chose TFW.

Kaia is a broken human soul and I love her all the more for it. I love that Jack gave her something hopeful, and I love that it was clearly not brainwashing, and she decides herself to cooperate. Then we get to see it, we get this vision from Jack’s POV of all the universes in their swimming circles of stars and it is beautiful. It’s like looking into the heart of the TARDIS too - i.e. it can turn Daleks into sparkly dust - but w/e. I loved the dreamwalker stuff, though, that was awesome, and I can’t believe we saw that painting so long ago and just thought it was storyboarding. lololol anyway.

Speaking of the angels! I loved that we got to see them working as a warrior unit like they were in Michael’s world? I feel like that’s important so that we can see how far away from that model Cas is now. And I love them tearing down the warding because it looked fucking cool. The wings burned onto the walls were awesome, and since the tear in realities is there I imagine we’ll see it again when bad things start coming through (some of the promo shots for 13x10 are daylight in the room that Sam and Dean disappeared in). ALSO angels driving cars? I mean obviously, cause they don’t fly any more, but I really loved that bit.

I’ve mentioned this before (and everyone will have their version and that’s the fun of a big cliffhanger like this), but my guess for the bad place is a world where monsters are real (as Kaia says). Sam and Dean tied to trees like sacrifices to a gorgon/dragon, and giant skulls like something you’d find Perseus fighting. Super cool, and I love Sam getting to tag along on this Dean vs. Trees adventure. (I won’t deny there’s a dino feel though but I don’t expect dinos because this is SPN, its spec fx budget can’t possible stretch to that, can it?)

Hooded guy/girl? Charlie? Balthazar? Another Cas? Badass au version of Asmodeus who’s not corny and awful? Come on, it could be anyone at this point but I’m super excited for the possibilities.

Speculative plot for 13x13: Lucifer and Cas escape prison and Sister Jo informs them that they’re literally the last two angels left, and we just watched the last six angels in Heaven get dusted. Could happen.

There’s like a billion more things (What is happening to Jody in Patience’s vision? Also I totally saw Patience’s dad pulling the ‘don’t ever come back’ thing but I wish he’d just run downstairs for a fucking hug) 

Aaaand yeah. Mostly I just really loved it, can’t wait to watch it again.

#s13x09 #spoilers #s13 spoilers #spn spoilers #kaia #angel theory #patience #wayward sisters #wayward spoilers #alternate universe #the bad place #jack kline #jack the nephilim #speculation #dean's hell trauma #dean i need a winchester #mary winchester #team free will #family #family don't end in blood #choice #good vs evil #go the fuck to sleep

[dotthings]

S14 has no mercy. None. It’s merciless. I’m a mess on multiple TFW relationships at once. NO MERCY. NONE. Thoughts on SPN 14.12.

Two things to get out of the way. 1. as usual, too much Nick. In every ep he’s in. Always. This comes from lanes that normally don’t ever agree with each other. TPTB cannot hear our piteous cries of boredom. We just sit through the Nicking and endure. 2. has nothing to do with an issue with the ep really, nor am I surprised, but hmmm yes nobody listen to anything ERL says from now on, trust me it’s best for everyone.

However despite item 2, I’m not going to downplay the Dean and Cas, and Destiel content of this ep because along with the bro bond and Sam and Cas and TFW stuff the Dean and Cas part of this was out for blood. And the Destiel storyline continues to ramp up, we’re all slowly boiled frogs. It’s really fun. Hahahah I have so many feelings. Help.

Just going to write out some thoughts based on my disjointed notes. 

So Sam looped Cas in already and Sam is convinced neither he nor Cas can talk Dean out of it. Sam didn’t consult Dean about looping Cas in of course. Oh look, there’s Dean saying he can’t handle the “big goodbyes” so he’s actively avoiding Cas and Jack because he just can’t face their sad little faces as he marches off to his fated doom, which was plain obviously in 14.11 already, Dean’s just admitting it with words now. But I love that Sam has already gone to Cas with this crap. He went to Cas with speed. Misery loves company. And he hopes Cas, who Sam knows loves Dean a lot, can fix this. gdi. Sam having already confided in Cas (and of course we don’t get to see Cas’s initial reaction to this horrible plan but we can think about what it may have been and make everything worse) and Sam and Cas united together in looking for some way to get Dean out of this hurts my heart in good ways.

THAT SAM AND DEAN TALK IN THE CAR ABOUT JOHN. Dean convinced he wasn’t that great a brother to Sam and Sam not having with that or with “death-bed apologies.” Well I said Sam was miserable about having to go along with Dean’s plan and it’s showing in every scene. He’s trying to be brave. He doesn’t want to burn the world but also as I said recently, he isn’t exactly going to be ok with letting Dean die like this either. 

“Dad would send me away when I really pissed him off.”

Up yours John, and the horse you rode in on. The thing here is Dean being so open about saying it, point blank like that. No “he did his best” prevarications. He just drops that and the sadness in Dean is eating my heart. This is actually giving me hope about the 300th ep and what it may accomplish here. This is setting up and telegraphing. We’ll see.

I noticed the ep drew a line between Sam and Dean, and male twins. Unusually close siblings. With twins it’s biological. With Sam and Dean, brothers biologically, but not twins, nonetheless were bonded unusually close by circumstance and trauma initially. I just think twins is an interesting parallel to make instead of a regular pair of siblings. And the way a twin feels when they lose the other. 

CAS IS SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM DEAN JFC CAS CALM DOWN. 

As a character, Cas is not *effusive* usually. This just isn’t how he rolls. He can get intense and emotional but here he was just so openly damn excited and happy to hear from Dean and I want to cry forever. 

“Dean we need to have a conversation.”

“Dean we need to have a conversation.”

“Dean, we need to have a conversation.”

I actually scribbled in my notes, in sarcastic all-caps, “NO REALLY?!” with a pissy little arrow from that line of dialogue. 

Well maybe this is a “turning point” because I certainly have waited a long time for Cas to get assertive about this.

And then Dean that little shit ends with “It’s good to hear your voice.” 

At this point I’m internally screaming I barely even remember there being Nick scenes, were there Nick scenes after that Dean and Cas phone call, does it matter?

“Doctor.” “Doctor.”

SPN YOU DID NOT JUST RECREATE A SEGMENT OF THAT EXACT SCENE WITH DR SEXY FROM CHANGING CHANNELS ONLY WITH CAS IN THE DOCTOR OUTFIT YOU DID NOT JUST

Oh yes. Yes it did.

Dean and Cas aren’t done battering my heart and then holding it over an open flame in this episode.

Cas begging Dean: “Just stop.”

CAIN: She knew who I was... and what I was. She loved me unconditionally. She forgave me. She only asked for one thing.

CROWLEY: To stop.

-SPN 9.11

Oh so we’re back to this again, and right when I was just the other day thinking about Cas’s speech to Dean in 10.22, oh let’s quote some of that again, just to make everything even more painful: “if there is even a small chance that we can save you, I won't let you walk out of this room.”

But Dean is adamant. He’s not going to listen. So there’s all this goddamn WOUNDED STARING and Cas says “so this is goodbye?”

So there it is, Dean having to be face to face with Cas as Dean marches to the doom he believes he’s fated for and he has to see Cas react to it. They are looking each other right in the eye, people. It is not for the faint of heart. 

And then they get INTERRUPTED because that is the life of a Destiel shipper.

Cas is realllly salty. “If there’s a spark of hope, then I have to try. You taught me that.” But he actually sounds...tender, as well. It’s another plea, not bitter, although yes he is salty and being really pointed.

Meanwhile Sam has gone to the salt mines, and mined the salt himself. “No rest for the self-destructive.”

Oh gosh I feel for Sam in this ep a lot. I just relate to this, as a fan of the characters, having watched their self-destructiveness for this long. Again...no they aren’t going to just let the world burn, but is self-destruction actually the answer either?

I am btw absolutely cheering that the ep lands on another chance to find another way, but without heedless to the impact of their actions or “screw it let the world burn.” They have to find another way. Save Dean, and the world both.

Sam is breaking my heaaaart. I really understand his frustration and he probably feels abandoned, even knowing it’s to save the world. It’s also a little brother desperate because his big brother seems to be giving up and seems too fatalistic. Sam needs Dean to have a little faith, and Sam isn’t at the moment on a hellbent path of “no matter the cost” like he was in S10. He just wants Dean not to give up yet. To let them try. It’s can’t be easy watching a loved one go off to sacrifice themselves, and Sam did it at the end of S11, which took courage, just as Dean did at the end of S5.

There’s a space between “screw all the consequences” and completely letting go.

I thought the bros scenes were really top-notch in this ep, however that wouldn’t have stopped me from feeling critical if Cas had been ommitted from that last scene, especially after all the Dean and Cas emotional stuff earlier in the ep that got interrupted. SPN is about the bro bond and it’s about Dean and Cas and it’s about TFW 2.0 as a family and here the ep reminds us we’re in S14 and this isn’t just about Sam and Dean, as Cas walks up to them and we have another singular-to-plural.

(to Sam) “I do believe in us...” (on seeing Cas) “I believe in all of us.”

And another singular-to-plural but less warm and fuzzy, what has to be done if their once more last ditch effort doesn’t work. (to Sam) “You have to promise me...you’ll put me in that box” (to Cas) “You too.” 

Not only is the story telling us Sam and Dean aren’t alone, Dean is fully aware of it. He had that confrontation with Cas in the hospital--he looked Cas right in the eyes, he knows. It’s not just Sam who cares and it’s not just Sam that will dig in his heels. I would like to see Jack’s response to all this, since he has been accepted part of the family and it’s relevant, but I love the Sam, Dean, & Cas interplay here and the multiple levels of ouch and the multiple relationships. 

#supernatural #supernatural spoilers #dean and cas #destiel #Team Free Will #Sam and Cas #spn #Sam and Dean: a work in progress #not a John friendly blog #not a Nick friendly blog #meta #sam winchester #dean winchester #castiel