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vee-is-a-clown · 2 years

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I've Got Grilled Cheese And Butterflies In My Stomach

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Keith couldn't believe that he let himself get dragged along to a butterfly garden of all things. Why couldn't it have been anywhere else? It's not like he was afraid of butterflies or anything. He just didn't like how they felt on his skin. He appreciated their beauty but he didn't trust himself not to scream if one happened to land on him.

He was in a hot, bright, colorful place that was filled to the brim with butterflies. Honestly, it was giving him a bit of sensory overload. He didn't know where to look. If he looked ahead of him, he run the risk of stepping on a butterfly or even one of their button pheasants. If he looked at the ground, he risked walking into a flying butterfly. (It's a real concern. Trust me.)

This place was freaking him out and it showed. He walked like he was in enemy territory and risked getting shot down with every step. He was odviously majorly paranoid.

"Could the oh so brave Keith Kogane be afraid of butterflies?"

Why was Lance like this?

"No, I just don't like how they outnumber us. They're unpredict-"

"Woah. Keith's paranoid about butterflies."

Pidge added so beautifully to the conversation. She so tactfully explained Keith's situation in terms both she and Lance could understand. Bravo.

Keith loudly groaned and carefully walked off. He then almost fell over because he didn't see the butterfly two inches from his face. This was torture.

He approached Shiro to ask how long they would be there and was met with the response of, "Just stand by the door." Which wasn't helpful because he still didn't know how long he would be waiting and there was a staff member by the door which he was not going to talk to.

Keith continued to slowly walk around, waiting for everyone to go. He hated waiting for everyone else to be done but he couldn't go alone. He left his phone in Shiro's car and didn't know the surrounding area well.

He sighed. Man, this place would be much better with a bench. His legs hurt. How long had they been there? He asked Adam who was using his phone to take pictures.

15 minutes.

He had been there for 15 minutes.

He wasn't going to survive.

"Hey Shiro, how long are we staying here? It's been 15 minutes."

"Keith, can we stay for 10 more minutes?"

Shiro smiled but Keith could tell that if he asked Shiro another question in the span of 5 minutes, he might explode. Shiro was dealing with everyone's bullshit and he was tired. Shiro's original plan was to take everyone to the butterfly garden and take cute pictures of the gang and some butterflies.

This did not happen.

Everyone had gone their separate ways. Pidge and hunk were doing whatever the hell in the corner (we probably don't want to know), Matt was trying to identify every single butterfly he saw, Adam was taking pictures of the button pheasants, Keith wanted to leave with all his heart, and Lance was flirting with a female employee who was passing out identification sheets for the butterflies. Shiro sighed. He didn't want it to come to this but he walked over to Lance.

"Hey Lance, can you take Keith somewhere to wait for everyone else to finish up here? If he stays with us, we'll have to leave early."

"Why do I have to take Mullet Head?"

"You're the only one here who isn't doing something involving our actual location. Go romance some waitress or something."

Lance groaned and walked over to Keith. He didn't want to play babysitter just because Keith was afraid of butterflies.

"Hey Keith, Shiro wants me to take you away from the scary butterflies."

"Ok then. Get me out of here."

Keith wasn't in the mood for arguing. He didn't care that Lance had insulted him. He just wanted to leave. If Lance was the person taking him, so be it.

Lance escorted Keith to the exit. Lance was odviously very displeased with this arrangement. Keith wasn't an idiot. Lance had to leave his friends (and the girl he was flirting with) to take his "rival" someplace to wait for everyone else to finish with the butterflies. It made Keith feel a little guilty.

They walked through a room to make sure they weren't carrying any butterflies out on accident. It was literally covered in mirrors. Every wall was a mirror. It was weird. After about a minute, a staff member came and let them out.

Keith hatched an idea. He still had his wallet in his pocket.

"Hey Lance, can I use your phone?"

"Why the quiznak would you ask that? Of course the answer is no."

"Well mine is in Shiro's car and I'm hungry. I'm going to try to find a nearby restaurant."

Keith actually wasn't really hungry. He just thought that Lance would cheer up a bit if he had some food. Keith, of course would be paying but he didn't mind.

"I'll find something then."

They went to go sit down on a bench outside the butterfly garden. It was in a larger building which had a small giftshop attached. Lance scrolled on his phone for a bit before putting it down.

"Do you like Applebee's?"

"Oh please don't tell me that you found an Applebee's."

"It's like Applebee's. It looks charming and it's only a few blocks away."

"Fine with me."

Keith got up, out of his seat. He was glad to leave. There were weird butterfly paintings on the wall that looked like they'd been done by children. The colors looked like an aesthetic nightmare. Lance followed suit and they fully left the building.

It was actually a pretty refreshing walk. There was a breeze outside and it wasn't as hot as in the garden. The storefronts were all quaint and pretty. Keith felt relaxed. Shiro should've just taken everyone on a walk instead of the to garden. Keith would definitely be coming back on his own.

They reached their destination. It looked like a faux 90's diner. It had red booths and checked floors. You know the type. The tables were round and metallic looking. Keith wasn't entirely sure if it was actually metal though. It was called something like "Billy Boy's" but Keith didn't really care about the name. He was to preoccupied by taking it all in. It was really pleasant.

They got in and Keith almost immediately decided that he wanted a grilled cheese. Worst case scenario, it was a grilled cheese. It's the kind of thing that you can't really mess up. If you somehow do, you might want to rethink your life choices.

As they moved through the short line, something caught his attention. There were two colorful machines on the counter, churning slushies. One was blue and the other was red. Neither seemed to have labels on them. Keith looked at the menu and there weren't flavors there either.

"Hey Lance, what do you think those slushy flavors are?"

"Blue and red."

"But what do they taste like?"

"One tastes like blue and one tastes like red. I'll let you guess which one tastes like which."

Keith groaned.

"I hate you."

"Haha! Same, Mullet Face."

Keith decided to take the risk and order a red slushy. It was most probably cherry anyway. Lance ordered a cheeseburger and a blue slushy then went to go claim a table. Keith decided to use this as an opportunity.

Keith slightly leaned into the counter. The woman working the counter looked to be about the same age as him.

"Can I also get a small fry? And can you write a note calling the boy in blue cute as well? He's pretty upset and I want to cheer him up."

"Got it. "

The girl smiled. Who was she to refuse such an adorable request?

Keith left to go sit down with Lance and wait for the food to be prepared. He occupied himself with playing with the condiments on the table. It was about 5 minutes until Keith got called up to grab the food. He paid for the meal and brought everything back on a tray.

Lance looked surprised after looking through the food. He looked up at Keith with the small plate of fries.

"Hey Keith did you order fries?"

"No, I didn't."

"Then why do we have fries?"

Just then, Keith picked up his dish with his grilled cheese to reveal a small paper note. Keith frowned and gave the paper to Lance. The note said, "Fries for the cutie in blue"

"Are you serious? How? You didn't even say anything to her other than your order!"

Keith aggressively sipped his slushy like he was annoyed. He, infact, was not annoyed.

"I guess it's just my natural charm. Maybe if you got a haircut, you could get girls too."

Keith took a bite of his grilled cheese. It was pretty good. The cheese was mozzarella and the sandwich was still warm. Definitely higher quality than he expected but he hadn't expected much so that doesn't really mean anything. Keith then turned to Lance. He had an entirely straight (haha) face.

"Lance, I'm gay."

Lance looked up from the note. His facial expression was a mix of surprise and an unreadable emotion. He sipped his slushy.

"Umm, what?"

"I can't 'get girls'."

"Ohh. Anyway, what flavor is that slushy?"

Lance changed the topic. He felt awkward talking about sexuality in public. He especially didn't want to talk about it in front of his fries.

Keith gasped and immediately sipped his slushy again. He had already tasted it, he just wanted to be annoying. He then looked at Lance with a smile. Not a smirk or anything, a giddy smile. He looked like he was about to tell a joke.

"It tastes like red."

Keith honest to god giggled.

Lance might've just died on the spot.

That didn't matter though. He had just been spited. This meant war. Keith had just verbally attacked him. He needed to think of something. What retort could he possibly use?

Nothing. He couldn't think of anything. He wanted to come up with a comeback but Keith's smile was too distracting. Lance picked up a fry and shoved it in his mouth.

"That's my joke, you know."

"Not anymore. It's mine. I did it better."

Keith was still smiling. He needed to stop smiling. Lance couldn't think. Why couldn't he think when Keith was smiling? We'll leave that to next day Lance to realize an 3 AM.

Lance took a bite of his cheeseburger.

"If you don't tell me, I'll have to steal it to find out."

"Nuh uh. I paid for this slushy. You can't have any."

"Now you've made it a quest. I must steal a sip of that slushy at all costs!"

Keith laughed again. He normally wasn't this happy. It definitely wasn't that Lance was funnier today. Something had to be wrong. Was Keith sick?

"Yo buddy, are you sick?"

"No. If I were sick, I would've used it to get out of Shiro's butterfly garden shenanigans. Why are you asking?"

"Well you're- How do I put this? You're happy."

Keith gasped and put his hand over his chest. The audacity! He then folded his arms and turned his head away in a faux aggravation. What a fool. Lance took the opportunity to reach across the table, grab Keith's drink, and take a sip.

"Aha! It tastes like cherry!"

Keith turned his head back to Lance and stole his slushy back. That scoundrel! How dastardly could Lance be? Eyebrows furrowed, Keith pretended to be mad as he slurped his restolen slushy.

Lance just laughed at Keith's very real misery.

"Ok then what does yours taste like?"

"Blue raspberry, of course. What else did you think the electric blue mush was?"

"Well a wise man once told me that it was blue flavored and I've been operating under that assumption ever since."

"You need to find a wiser man then."

Lance sipped his slushy like he had just said something brutally honest. Keith laughed again. At this point, it's a miracle that Lance hasn't melted into a pile of mush.

They continue eating their meal between snarky remarks and witty banter. It feels nice. Unlike their real fights, they're both smiling and laughing. They're having a good time. If Keith could, he would keep it going forever.

Keith had finished his grilled cheese and was three fourths done with his slushy. Lance had eaten his cheeseburger and was a little under half way done with his slushy. Lance wanted to savor the fries. They were a gift from a girl. He couldn't just wolf them down like he normally did. She might be watching.

The banter had died down and Keith had zoned out or was daydreaming maybe. Hard to tell. One thing was for sure though, he was staring at the ceiling, eyes unmoving, and hand in his palm. It was perfect.

Lance got up while holding a fry in his hand. He strutted over to the other side of the table where Keith was sitting and paused for a second before jabbing Keith in the face with the fry.

"AHH! Jeez! Lance, don't do that!"

"Well spacey boy, you were off in daydream land. You left yourself defenseless. I had to take advantage."

"You are despicable."

"I know. I pride myself on that fact."

Keith sighed. What was he thinking about again? Only God knows now. He sipped his slushy. Keith looked up at the dork who was still standing over him with a fry in his hand.

"So are you going to stand over me for-"

Lance poked Keith in the lip with the fry. Keith grabbed it while Lance scurried back to his seat. There was a slight pause.

"Lance, what the hell?"

"It touched your weird edgy self and I don't want it anymore."

"Great logic Lance. I'll be sure to touch all your food in the future."

Keith bit the fry because why not? It's a fry after all. It was actually really good. The salt to fry ratio was just perfect. It was even warm still. They must've been piping hot when they came to the table. Why was Keith even thinking about this? It's a fry. Stop overthinking everything.

Keith turned his attention to Lance to find him looking back at Keith. For a quiet, oh so quick moment, they just looked at eachother. The world seemed to stop for that fraction of a second. Reality then dropkicked both of them and told the police that was self defense.

Lance looked away and the awkward set in. Just then, Lance's phone vibrated in his pocket. Saved by the text from Shiro telling them that the others are out of the garden. Lance whisked his phone out of his pocket faster than you can say, "awww cute waiT DROPKICK? hshsjsgsh-"

"Shiro says that they just got out of the butterfly garden. We should walk back."

"Mk."

Keith picked himself up with and stabilized his body by putting his hands on the table. Sadly, he didn't have to good of a grip and somehow managed to fall sideways onto the checkerboard flooring. Keith just laid there on his back, stunned while Lance burst into laughter. He sat there laughing for a good minute before he got up and extended a helpful hand to Keith.

"No."

"What?"

"I'm one with the floor now. Go tell Shiro I'm dead."

"Come on dude, get up."

"Well apparently I'm funnier on the ground so no."

"Do I need to drag you?"

"Your string bean ass couldn't handle that."

"Well you apparently aren't strong enough to walk so you can't say anything."

"That isn't going to work on me."

Keith got up anyway. That floor was dirty and he probably shouldn't've been laying there for so long anyway. He could feel the dirt in his hair. Definitely not a good decision.

"So it does work on you?"

"Shut."

Keith sighed as he picked up his slushy. It still had a decent amount of substance in it so he decided to take it with him. Lance picked up his slushy as well and took the tray over to the trashcan and put it on top of it.

Lance started towards the door while Keith lingered behind for a few seconds. He then shoved something in his pocket and hurried after Lance, shooting a (kind) look to the girl who had taken their order.

"What were doing back there, slow poke?"

"Just leaving a tip."

"I see.."

"What's so suspicious about a tip?"

"No, the tip isn't suspicious. You are."

"How the heck am I suspicious?"

Keith's face slammed into the door. Jeez, Keith should've been looking. Lance laughed into his hand as he watched Keith stumble backwards. Regaining his balance, Keith flipped him off.

"Oh come on! I'm allowed to laugh at you being a klutz!"

"I am not a klutz!"

"You are! You so are!"

"Shut up!"

Keith pulled the door open like he was opening the fridge at 2:43 for a snack. Lance proceeded to strut through and turn to face Keith for finger gunning purposes, stumbling and making a fool of himself in the process. Luckily, he steadied himself before he fell through. That, of course, did not stop the shit he was going to get from Keith. That shit is including but not limited to some giggles and the dopiest smirk you've ever seen.

"Oh so I'm the klutz?"

"I- Uhh, shut your quiznak!"

"Oh such a well put together response. You're so smart."

"Have I mentioned that I hate you?"

"Same, Prettyboy."

Keith finally got out of the door because he was still standing there like an idiot. He then got this look of realization on his face and took off running. Lance stood there stunned for a second before he heard a shout.

"Last one to get back to the gang is a rotten egg!"

Oh it was on! Lance sprinted after Keith as he thought about how Keith just called him pretty.

And off they went to go tell the gang the story of how Lance was a hypocritical klutz who can effortlessly "get girls".

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@autisticlancemcclain this one's for you because I love your work and you put so much effort into writing a fic every day and you absolutely deserve a break.

And thanks to @klance-daydreams for letting me give them a cameo.

Thank you to my amazing irl bestie who I've been sending clips of this to before I published it. I love her so much. She's great. She also thought that one paragraph was smut because she didn't have the context. I'll let you guys guess which one that is.

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taegularities · 9 months

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...

#i feel so insecure here sometimes.. like i know you guys see that too #like ill post smth or ask smth and then feel discouraged when i don't get a response #and then i feel so stupid.. but ive been realising how so many here have been feeling that way #bc tumblr changed so much and so many ppl left and every author and creator is suddenly feeling insecure about themselves #and thinking it's their fault or that their content isn't good anymore #anyways thank you to everyone who's still here and supporting my stuff.. whenever i feel down you guys show me that my work's still #worth consuming #and that im appreciated here as a person too #@ mutuals.. i think to bring back a bit of what tumblr used to be we need to support each other too #bc :( i love my mutuals but i also noticed that only a v small number of ppl signal boosts each other's stuff or supports one another #like only a few of my moots read my stuff or talk to me at all and sometimes it gets so lonely #but im one of those who should actively make an effort to support moots too!!#some blogs support all their moots and im like ugh that's so nice #or maybe it's me and you guys just don't like me LOL no but seriously #we don't even have to read each other's stuff i think.. even boosting fics goes a long way tbh #it'd be so nice if we could do this for each other.. yk? gotta bring back the 2021 community feel fr i miss it #ugh so many ppl left lol we're all we've got y'all!!#tdl maybe

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imperiuswrecked · 1 year

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It’s kinda weird that I’ve been writing Namor fanfic for years but it will never be popular, like before it wasn’t popular because no one really knew the character but now it won’t be popular because I don’t write for the major mcu ship. But it’s good that I avoided becoming a “popular writer” because I’ve seen how bad fandoms can be to popular fic writers and I wouldn’t want that for anyone tbh.

#they either get harassed for not writing things how people want it or they get their stuff stolen or not credited #personally it's better if the greater mcu fandom just continues to ignore me so I can write all the posts and fics I want #like I'm here for me #and for the people who vibe with stuff I do write #when I have the energy to finish stuff that is #my ramblings #I'm just musing on the state of things in current fandom #also to the people who do read whatever I do post thank you I love y'all

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polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup · 11 months

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Fantastic chapter like always and absolutely adorable.

I love how you expand so much on the characters even the dead ones in this fic in a way that makes them so present in the narrative. The way this makes Frank just completely absorbed by his family constantly while still building them as real people independent to him is great. Just the little details about Maria this chapter and how they relate to Matt is absolutely fantastic

The situation between Peter and Frank needed to blow up spectacularly before getting resolved I should have known that something would actually blow up.

The way you showed the Spidey sense in action through Franks pov was really good it's my favorite Spidey power and really fun to see in action.

Poor Peter though. I hope that once the situation gets resolved he can have a good cry about everything ever.

Also I really want Tony to get punched in the face. Just a small punch! Just once! But Jesus Christ the way he handled this situation has been so bad for Peter I am so angry at him. I know he's dealing with something behind the scenes bit still he needs to think about the impact this all has on Peter it's so bleak and isolating

i simply love explosions and add them in to everything i can. they're the spice of life. do not have the police investigate me i am so so normal about fire

Maria Castle is alive in my head and I love her. the version that lives in my head simply loves Matt. He's the dumbass little brother she's always wanted. He enchants her with his poor decision making and emotional unavailability. When he comes over she insists on throwing herself in his arms and he twirls her around because it annoys frank and they're inherently both assholes. The Maria in my head will never be showcased unless i end up pushing my Castle Family Agenda in earnest, but I will reference her as she exists in my head in works where she's still dead. I love her your honor.

The reaction to tony in kintsugi continues to be hilarious to me because kintsugi partially exists because I didn't see this reaction post-CW. Like the reaction I saw was mostly hardcore Iron Dad and i just didn't really see or hear a lot of commentary about how he handled the time between CW and Homecoming. And in kintsugi I changed literally nothing about how Tony treated Peter in that time and people are soooo mad at him. It's kind of funny

#there definitely were people who also didn't like how tony handled the time between CW and homecoming i just never really saw them #like to be clear i don't think this response originated with kintsugi and op you may have felt this way pre kintsugi #it's just part of the thing that kicked off this fic was that i didn't like tony going radio silent after CW #and then getting a world best dad mug from the fandom after it #i'm so glad y'all agree #the tony stark thing was the one thing i took no creative liberties on it's just straight up canon #like it's far from intentional but that's the thing you've got a kid and you've got to think past that intention to how it may hurt them #like tony throughout homecoming just. didn't make a single decision with respect to peter i agreed with. not in the entire movie.#i walked out like 'wow i would sort of try to have this man arrested if peter was my child' which was NOT the fandom takeaway that i saw #i just saw like 900000 irondad fics applauding it #it was pretty bad child care all around #the first step of kintsugi #pottery shards verse #thank you for reading and coming to talk to me you are a delight as always and i am soooo grateful #your kinds words are always a joy #pottery shards is not abandoned i'm just enslaved to hyperfixation right now which is over in the tma side

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brother-emperors · 1 year

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i just - your two ao3 bookmarks are in supernatural and metal gear? impeccable, flawless taste, no notes, but aye, the horrors -

SHDHGSDHDKJ Y EAH I started watching spn back in 2008 or 2009, I actually have a million more bookmarks on my browser because I was reading spn fic on. livejournal.

speaking of metal gear, borrowing this ask as an opportunity to connect some dots because my god do I think about metal gear constantly

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Trauma, and History in Metal Gear Solid V, Amy M. Green

Rome, Blood, & Power, Gareth C Sampson

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Trauma, and History in Metal Gear Solid V, Amy M. Green

The Deaths of the Republic, Brian Walters

its like. the recurring violence of it all!! the last generations of the roman republic, snake eater/peace walker/phantom pain, none of you ever stood a fucking chance! the rot of military imperialism already doomed you!!!! you are trying to fix a decaying corpse, but the putrid flesh from the limbs is sloughing off in your hands!!! assigning a higher ideal, a fantasy, to the economy of war/imperialism/political violence won't change what it is!! do you think love can bloom on a battlefield? yeah, but it sure as hell won't save any of you! it will make you cannibalize each other**

**love wins for dave and otacon tho

#ask tag #long post #there's a cannibalism fic where post hell dean eats sam that really did a lot for me when i was reading ancient greek lit #love a family horror show in any setting or genre!#actually the exact thing that makes me chomp on bb/kaz gives me brainrot about sulla-crassus #anyway i getting off topic. if anyone thinks my additional reading notes are bad (long) now. they could be so much worse #i cut out all the stuff that isn't strictly related to the topic at hand so RIP to the MGS quotes and to Alan Wake and Control......#(somewhere. in a folder. i have a 3/4 of the way finished dead romans Control AU)#anyway thank you anon for giving me an opening to finally do a MGS-Late Roman Republic connect the dots post #do y'all ever think about kaz going by benedict in mgs1. because i think about it a lot #CHRIST i am getting off topic. i think about metal gear a lot

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firendgold · 9 months

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Since I saw that you're doing the violence ask game can you answer 22, 25 and 7??

I sure can.~

This one got long af though, so another readmore.

(still choosing violence)

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

This is another one I've answered already, but tbf... it was yesterday. So I can pull my second favorite part of canon instead so you don't have to re-read an older answer.

There's two moments that tie: one in year 5 and one in year 6. Year 5's moment is a nice warm-and-fuzzy "the trio are such good friends" scene, in the midst of Umbridge torturing Harry with her quill:

It was nearly midnight when Harry left Umbridge’s office that night, his hand now bleeding so severely that it was staining the scarf he had wrapped around it. He expected the common room to be empty when he returned, but Ron and Hermione had sat up waiting for him. He was pleased to see them, especially as Hermione was disposed to be sympathetic rather than critical. “Here,” she said anxiously, pushing a small bowl of yellow liquid toward him, “soak your hand in that, it’s a solution of strained and pickled murtlap tentacles, it should help.” Harry placed his bleeding, aching hand into the bowl and experienced a wonderful feeling of relief. Crookshanks curled around his legs, purring loudly, and then leapt into his lap and settled down. “Thanks,” he said gratefully, scratching behind Crookshanks’s ears with his left hand. “I still reckon you should complain about this,” said Ron in a low voice. “No,” said Harry flatly. “McGonagall would go nuts if she knew—” “Yeah, she probably would,” said Harry. “And how long d’you reckon it’d take Umbridge to pass another Decree saying anyone who complains about the High Inquisitor gets sacked immediately?” Ron opened his mouth to retort but nothing came out and after a moment he closed it again in a defeated sort of way. “She’s an awful woman,” said Hermione in a small voice. “Awful. You know, I was just saying to Ron when you came in . . . we’ve got to do something about her.” “I suggested poison,” said Ron grimly.

Just seeing the trio bounce off each other is soothing (especially after reading days or weeks worth of fanfics where they all suddenly hate each other or were never really that good of friends or whatever). Harry's gratitude and stubbornness, Hermione's caretaking and forethought and plotting, Ron's voice of reason and necessary dash of humor... all perfect. Also, just... Harry is so used to going things alone, toughing things out by himself. It's heartwarming and sad that he still doesn't expect Ron and Hermione to do something as simple as waiting up for him to get back from hellish detention. Also also: Crookshanks curling up with him. ^^

Year 6's moment is just between Harry and Hermione:

Hermione stopped dead; Harry had heard it too. Somebody had moved close behind them among the dark bookshelves. They waited and a moment later the vulture-like countenance of Madam Pince appeared round the corner, her sunken cheeks, her skin like parchment and her long hooked nose illuminated unflatteringly by the lamp she was carrying. ‘The library is now closed,’ she said. ‘Mind you return anything you have borrowed to the correct – what have you been doing to that book, you depraved boy?’ ‘It isn’t the library’s, it’s mine!’ said Harry hastily, snatching his copy of Advanced Potion-Making off the table as she lunged at it with a clawlike hand. ‘Despoiled!’ she hissed. ‘Desecrated! Befouled!’ ‘It’s just a book that’s been written in!’ said Harry, tugging it out of her grip. She looked as though she might have a seizure; Hermione, who had hastily packed her things, grabbed Harry by the arm and frogmarched him away. ‘She’ll ban you from the library if you’re not careful. Why did you have to bring that stupid book?’ ‘It’s not my fault she’s barking mad, Hermione. Or d’you think she overheard you being rude about Filch? I’ve always thought there might be something going on between them …’ ‘Oh, ha, ha …’ Enjoying the fact that they could speak normally again, they made their way along the deserted, lamplit corridors back to the common room, arguing about whether or not Filch and Madam Pince were secretly in love with each other.

Very, very cute scene showing Harry and Hermione getting along casually, something we're not often treated to even in canon. A frankly disturbing amount of fans (particularly fans of A Specific Ship I Will Not Mention Here) have bought into the propaganda that Harry and Hermione aren't really that good of friends just because during GOF, when he'd just experienced his first ever schism with a close friend, Harry privately confessed to missing Ron and enjoying the things he did with his male best friend more. The trio is not "Harry and Ron, then Ron and Hermione". It's "Harry, Ron, and Hermione"; all three of them are necessary pieces of the whole. Harry and Hermione's friendship is different than Harry's with Ron, but it's no less valuable, and not any weaker, or else Hermione wouldn't have stayed in that damned tent.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

Every bit of discourse about Sirius not getting a trial. We know. The injustice is the point. The cruelty is the point. The POINT is to show that wizarding Britain is glitz and glamor and not all that fair to its marginalized peoples and underclass, you nimrods. Frankly, the fanfics that purport to 'fix' it by giving Sirius his "restored Lordship" or a bunch of seats on the Wizengamot or immediate "wizarding guardianship" over Harry or some unnamed hot babes for him to fuck on or off-screen are very... shallow and unsatisfying. Either that or they give him a bunch of money, though this would at least be on brand for the Ministry. But like... yeah. I'm tired of this complaint always going in the same direction and not being a gateway to Greater Commentary On The Series and the World. Because it's not like Sirius and/or Harry become the type of people who rebel against this ideology. If anything, they embrace the pureblood nonsense in a lot of these fics and are just mad that Sirius was the target that one time. Gaaaah.

And, and. Every bit of discourse about Dumbledore leaving Harry at the Dursleys and/or the sacrificial lamb throwaway line by Snape, especially because 99.9% of people discussing it either haven't read the books, haven't read them since the first time and desperately need a re-read, have only seen the movies, are parroting opinions from some other wrong person on the internet, are all read-up but blatantly ignoring what Dumbledore and Harry say (and don't say) over what they THINK they mean, or some other lovely form of ignorance that leads to the same long-debunked takes being re-introduced as GASP-DID-YOU-EVER-CONSIDER soundbites over and over and over and OVER again. I'm so sick of it.

I get it, JKR's a TERF, you don't want to re-engage with her work, and you don't have to. You don't have to give her any more money. Hell, you shouldn't, ever again. But please, fucking make sure your knowledge is correct and not fandom telephone when it comes to Harry's childhood and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. I'm not-even-lowkey sick of some of y'all at this point.

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because of how the fandom acts about them?

I... don't have an immediate answer for this, so I'm going to have to think about it. To you it's only going to take me one line, but for me it'll actually be like... an evening or something.

...

Okay.

This is difficult because (to use the exact terminology) I can't think of a character I've come to hate because of how the fandom acts about them. I definitely have characters whose most popular fanon versions are so irritating or repulsive that it has caused me to look more critically on the real versions of them, though. I guess maybe I'll list those here.

Fleur came to mind first. She seems (and can be) very shallow and haughty in canon at first, but shows compassion and hidden depths in all three of her appearances. She has some veela hair in her wand from her grandmother, and a deep devotion for her younger sister. However... many fanfics (especially harem fanfics or flowerpot fanfics) paint her as either this femme fatale who uses her "veela allure" at will and Cannot Fathom the idea of a man who can resist her (and is thus more vulnerable to falling in love with such a man) or as a super-powerful witch whose family is basically running Magical France (since of course, she is the only French character we know, so why wouldn't she be the most influential person there? /s). Basically, the "foreign" version of what people do to fanon Daphne Greengrass. Ironically, the best fanfic portrayals of Fleur I've seen are the ones that keep her shipped with Bill (with a few flowerpot exceptions, see A Beautiful Lie by MaybeMayba as the prime example), or ship her with Hermione or Ginny... which is sad because I love me some ship variety. (And I still think Bill/Tonks would've been rad as hell.) So I don't dislike canon Fleur, but fanon's "over-attention" to that possible veela heritage and the weird implication that Harry was just "forced" not to notice this perfect woman in his life, rather than just noticing her beauty and not being interested, rubs me the wrong way and disinclines me from including her in many of my own works.

The Bones family is next. Yes, both Amelia and Susan. Susan isn't as bad (I think she has... two lines in Order of the Phoenix? maybe?), but as with most "mostly undefined" HP girls, the personality the fandom has given her (the super sweet politically-savvy Hufflepuff girlfriend of "just do independent!Harry with Lordships and pro-Ministry propaganda and plenty of Wizengamot meetings between Hogwarts classes") is one I've seen so many times it has come to negatively affect my view of the real girl, even though I think the way she calls Amelia "auntie" in canon is adorable. As for Amelia, fanon likes to make her either the Only Sane Man in the Ministry or the leader of the sane faction, who magically is able to fix or ignore all the corruption in said Ministry and can railroad through whatever decisions Harry needs done once he needs to Do Political or Pureblood Stuff Outside of Hogwarts--provided, of course, he's been nice enough to Susan recently.

The closest actual answer to this question I have is Tom Riddle. I didn't like him in canon by any means--I'd probably say I was neutral toward him, just seeing him as "the young Voldemort before he did his magical girl transformation". But fanon kind of acts like he and Voldemort are... two different people? There's these pervasive ideas that either Tom could've been "saved" if Certain People Just Did More (to stop him sneaking around and bullying and murdering???), or that Tom wasn't really so bad when he was gathering up supporters, murdering his family members and the few people who trusted him, and generally going around Becoming the Dark Lord--it was just when he made the switch that he became bad. And like... no. I can't buy that. Even in fanfic, I can't get fully behind the idea of a sane Tom Riddle who was Doing Good until he got sidetracked Oh Nooo. He wasn't. I believe Voldemort was saner before he tried to kill a baby and it backfired, but I don't think there was ever a point where he could have been saved. At every fork he made the wrong decision--to soothe his ego, to feel powerful, to feel special, to feel better than others and make them feel that way too. Tom Riddle's a prick. If anything, we should've seen him squirm a little more before he died.

The last one stings, because it's a character I adore: Hermione. Hermione is a very polarizing figure in canon and always has been, I get it. But what particularly hurts me about her fanon portrayals is that they are VERY SELDOM accurate, or even balanced. Either the author sees her as Their Wife and so she is perfect and never does any wrong and basically becomes the main character of the fic (even if she is not actually the main character), or they overinflate her flaws and use it as a reason to hate on her and bash her to oblivion. There's rarely an in-between. I'm not sure which one is worse. If you held my feet to the fire, I might say the former because a character without any flaws or one who takes over the entire narrative and doesn't let other characters breathe is not fucking interesting to me in the slightest.

This especially hurts because I am a huge Harmony fan and like 60% of bad Harmony fanfics are always the same fucking tropes/plotlines. Hermione is unironically referred to as The Brightest Witch of THE Age (incorrect, not what Remus said. he said "the brightest witch of your age I've ever met", basically meaning she's unusually smart for a fourteen year-old girl). She's treated like the next female Dumbledore who has all the answers (even about stuff she wouldn't know) and often guides Harry's every move.

And speaking of Dumbledore--the same girl who is supportive of him in canon and (after Harry) is MOST likely to recognize Dumbledore as a human who can make mistakes is ALWAYS turned into a Dumbledore Skeptic Who Has Been Suspicious of His Motives All Along, and who will do whatever it takes to get her boyfriend away from his manipulations... by taking manipulative!Dumbledore's place. That's right. This version of fanon Hermione ALWAYS becomes the same thing the author is supposedly railing against, because Harry becomes her mouthpiece, spends all his time with her to the exclusion of anyone else, and can't have a single meeting or meaningful scene with any other character unless she is also present.

Haphne fics do this too, but I swear they got it from bad Harmony fics and it makes me so mad. For once, I would love to read a Harmony fic where Dumbledore is portrayed accurately and both Harry AND Hermione are equal, independent partners who don't have panic attacks if separated for more than five minutes. Especially because as a child Hermione never struck me as the kind of person who even would get married or have a serious relationship distracting her from her Great Work!

But yeah. That last one hurts the most because I love Hermione as an individual, as the very important third of the trio, as a potential partner for Harry (though this isn't the right blog for that!), and just as an iconic character.

I... think that's all? Yep. Thanks~!

#kosondroom #thanks for the ask!#fireandgoldposts #the golden trio #ironically I try not to use that tag much but I need it here #Harry and Hermione #I'm sure you can guess which ship I was talking about. I'm sure the whole world could #genuinely begging fanon Sirius(es?) to actually start dismantling the corrupt pureblood politics instead of bending over for them #as I've said many times by now I reeeeally just want to read new and better ideas in fanfic #and my job is hella stressful I can't be out here writing all of them myself #I sound like such a ''my canon right or wrong'' person in most of these asks lol. in actuality I love ignoring Certain Large Swathes #I just find certain ascended fanon tropes/headcanons in the HP fandom in particular to be either boring or aggravating #and thus I would like them to go away once and for all or for us all to Grow Beyond Them #how many times do y'all think I've read incorrect Obscurial!Harry takes? take a wild guess. you won't be in the ballpark #actually if you are a sane fan side note do not go on Quora answers. it will piss you off every day #me as usual saying ''stop making up shit to be mad at Dumbledore about 2023 there's already enough in canon''#make HP girls more unique and complex 2k23 #I'm tired of reading the same OC girl but with a canon name and a different house tie #''she said boomerly'' lmao #this is making me want to either sit down and write another time travel fic or finally sit down and write a harmony #choose violence ask game

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