#they’re not scared to be honest with themselves and others anymore!! they’re very vocal about their opinions if you haven’t noticed yet

[ayamari-no-goshi]

Verboten 3 | (T)

ff.net | AO3

Fandom: Danny Phantom (DP)

Summary:   AU. When Danny was five years old, he went missing for 2 weeks. In the years that follow, his family tried to make sense of what happened, only for the truth to be discovered years later.

Warnings: rated T for violence, mentions of death, language. Be prepared for some very weird things

Parings: Danny/Sam

Notes: originally uploaded to Ff.net. Cross-posted to AO3 and tumblr. This fic is very heavily inspired by folklore surrounding mysterious wilderness disappearances

Chapter 3

“You heard me. They’re saying he’s dead,” Dash clarified as he watched Danny for his reaction. “And from what Kwan said, his body was really messed up.”

Danny rolled his eyes as Tucker stuttered in fear. Dash was known for trying to scare his ‘victims,’ so most likely he was just trying to get a rise out of them. “Yeah, yeah, and what’s your proof?” he asked as he sat down on his bed.

That caused the jock to back track. “Well… Kwan said…”

“Dash, I get we’re in the middle of the woods, and you’re in a prime position to tell ghost stories, but unless you have proof, this is not something you should joke about,” Danny scolded which drew a few surprised looks.

“What? It goes against your morals?”

The teen’s sneer was enough to cause uncharacteristic anger to flood through him. After taking a deep breath to calm himself, Danny glowered at him. “I’m only going to explain this once,” he warned as he tried to sound deadly serious, “I’ve seen the aftermath of what happens in a family who has someone go missing, especially when there’s no explanation as to what happened. It’s not pretty, and when it comes to people who get out here all sorts of terrible things can happen, so you shouldn’t be spreading rumors that could reach the family.”

“Wait, hold on. Fenton, you had someone in your family go missing?” one of the other jocks, Zach, asked. Danny was actually surprised he caught on to that. “Did they at least find them?”

“Luckily, they did, but that’s the reason my parents were so vocal against me going, and while I think they’re way too extreme about it, I, at least, understand their concerns.”

“But, no offense, your parents go on and on about weird creatures, ghosts, and other weird crap.”

“Well, yeah, that’s what happens when you try to rationalize what happened when nothing else makes sense. They were already involved in fringe metaphysics and stuff before that happened, so it was a logical jump for them to consider time slips and other dimensions with how bizarre everything was.”

A silence fell between them as they let Danny’s words sink in. It seemed that Zach wanted to say something else, but decided against it. Dash did eventually mumble something about how he’d drop it for now. That by itself was enough validation for Danny.

“Hey,” Tucker hesitantly spoke up after several minutes as all of them began to lay down, “do you think that kind of thing is real? I mean like falling into other dimensions and stuff.”

Danny didn’t answer him immediately. “To be honest with you, I really don’t know. I know there are a lot of legends regarding things like this, and my parents’ research at least suggests the concept of other dimensions is possible. I know the concept of wormholes are mathematically supported, and that some astronomers think wormholes could possibly bridge dimensions, but we don’t have the technology to get close to one or survive it. But random rips appearing in the woods? It sounds more like sci-fi horror movie stuff, but sometimes, as stupid as it sounds, that’s the only thing that makes sense.”

…..

“Maybe Kwan was right,” Tucker mused when he and Danny exited their cabin the next morning.

There were police officers present, and an ambulance with closed doors was on the far side of the camp. Danny briefly caught sight of an officer speaking to the driver of the ambulance until he noticed the markings on the ambulance were off. After a moment, he realized it belonged to the local Coroner. If that was the case, then there was a body retrieved.

“Well, I don’t know if it was that missing camper, but something definitely happened to someone,” Danny agreed as they made their way to the mess hall for breakfast.

The worst was confirmed as breakfast was finished. Rusty once again stood in front of them. His face was somehow bleaker than the previous day as he confirmed that the missing camper had been found deceased. After the murmurs of the teenagers quieted, he continued, “I know you’re supposed to be out here for fun, but unfortunately, this circumstance happened. We are going to do our best, after the police finish their investigation, to make sure you enjoy yourself here. However, the police have requested to interview each of you to see if anyone you may have seen or heard anything while you were out yesterday. They have also requested that no one go off by themselves while they were under investigation. Please go in groups of at least two. We rangers will also try to be with you when you’re outside of camp, but we may be stretched a little thin during the investigation.”

“I’m surprised they aren’t sending us home,” Tucker mentioned once Rusty was finished speaking and the roar of the students overtook the mess hall.

“I don’t think they can. I mean, the police need to talk to us, and since it’s an open investigation, they won’t want anyone to leave the area until they’ve determined there’s nothing else they can do here,” Sam pointed out as she checked her phone.

“Hey, are you able to get any service?” Danny asked her. “I couldn’t reach my parents yesterday.”

“It’s weird. Yesterday, I could, but I’m having trouble getting service this morning.”

“Now that you mention it, I noticed that too,” Tucker added as he brought out his PDA. “And that’s the thing, with how I modified this, that shouldn’t be the case. I wonder if there’s a disrupter somewhere nearby.”

“You mean a cell phone disrupter?”

He nodded as he leaned towards them. His voice lowered as he glanced around the room. “I’m not sure if anyone else noticed it. I think most of our classmates think it’s just because we’re in the woods, but that’s not really how it works anymore. This is something that should be brought up to the police.”

“I think you’re right,” Danny agreed as he checked his phone again. “And with everything happening, I think I won’t be able to use the ranger’s phone today either.”

….

About an hour after breakfast finished, the police began their interviews of the students. While Danny and his friends waited for their turn, they hung out near the front of the mess hall. They didn’t say much, but instead, they decided to watch the area.

A while later, a long black limousine approached from the only road fit for normal vehicles and came into the camp. A few minutes after it parked, a well-dressed man with silver hair exited. As one of the officers approached the man, Danny finally realized why he recognized him.

“Oh, that’s Vlad. I wonder why he’s here,” he mused as he watched. After a moment, he noticed his friends were gaping at him. “What’s wrong?”

“You know the Vladimir Masters?” Tucker nearly choked. “He’s one of the most influential billionaires in the world!”

“He is? I knew he had money, since he helps fund some of my parents’ experiments, but I didn’t realize it was that much. Anyways, apparently he and my parents went to college together. With how often he visited when we were younger, Jazz and I kind of view him as an uncle.”

“That’s actually pretty impressive. My parents know him due to some of the business galas they’ve attended,” Sam mentioned as a devious smirk crossed her face. “Oh, I can’t wait to tell them that Vlad is your parents’ benefactor. Mother dearest will have a conniption.”

Their conversation turned to what Danny knew of the man, and he answered the best he could. As he thought about it, he realized he didn’t know a lot of personal details about the man. Vlad tended to focus on the people around him and avoid talking about himself. He just figured Vlad was a very private person.

When Vlad finished speaking with the officer, he approached the trio. “Oh, Daniel! What a surprise! I never expected to run into you in a place like this with how protective Maddie is.” His tone was pleasant, but his exaggerated gestures almost made it seem like he was acting.

“We’re here on a school trip. I guess the PTA and teachers managed to convince her and Dad we’d be protected. But why are you here? No offense, but seeing you in the middle of the woods in a suit is weird,” Danny replied nonchalantly. He was used to Vlad’s over the top behavior.

“It’s unfortunate, really,” he explained as he glanced over his shoulder towards the officers. “The gentleman who they found dead works for one of my companies. I came out to see if the police officers required any assistance with resources, funds or otherwise, and offer my services.” As he turned back to face Danny, his eyes widened as he seemingly noticed Sam and Tucker for the first time. “Ah, you must be Daniel’s friends. Where are my manners? I’m Vladimir Masters, but you may call me Vlad.” He extended his hand towards them.

Tucker eagerly took his hand, but Sam was a little more hesitant. “I’m surprised that a big name like yourself personally looks in on their workers,” she told him.

A pleasant hum escaped the man. “I do try to keep tabs on those I employ. This particular incident, however, is extremely tragic and unusual, so I felt it was prudent to personally show my support for those investigating.”

“Yeah? I’ve also heard that killers like to inject themselves into investigations.”

“Sam!?”

“It’s quite alright, Daniel,” Vlad told him as he flashed a pleasant smile. “She does bring up a valid point, and it’s likely I will be asked a few more questions at a later time as a result. However, I can assure you that I was in my office a few states away when Mr. Aiden Jones was reported missing. Hmm, I also think I may have a word with your teacher. With a tragic event like this, it’s unwise to have you remain here when it is unclear if it is safe or not. Now, if you excuse me.”

As Vlad began to turn, Danny took a step closer as a thought crossed his mind. “Oh, Vlad, I hate to ask, but would you happen to have a phone I can use to call my parents? Mom left me a frantic message, but my phone’s not working, and I can’t use the Rangers’ phone right now…”

The man appraised him for a moment. “I don’t have a phone on me right now, but I do have one in my car. While I don’t think your teacher or the police would find it appropriate to let you in my car at the moment, I can at least give them a call for you.”

“Thank you!”

Vlad flashed him a large grin. “Anything for you, dear boy. But, I really must be off. Ta!” With that, he walked away, approached one of the nearby rangers, and struck up a conversation.

“So that’s Vlad Masters,” Tucker mentioned once he was certain the man was out of earshot. “I can’t figure out if I like him or not.”

“I don’t. It felt like everything he said and did was an act,” Sam told them as she crossed her arms. Her eyes never left the billionaire.

Danny just shrugged as he put his hands in his pockets. “He’s always been like that. I don’t really know if it’s because being involved in business, or because he lives alone.”

“He lives alone? No family or anything?”

“Nope,” he replied as he popped the ‘p’. “He’s never had anyone as long as I’ve known him. Both Dad and Mom like to ask him about whether or not he’s dating anyone whenever he’s stopped by, but he’s always answered that he’s too busy. I think Mom’s tried to hook him up with a few dates, but it never panned out.”

A frown crossed Tucker’s features as he glanced at the man. “You’d think he’d have people throwing themselves at him because of his wealth.”

“That might be why he isn’t seeing anyone. Anyways, any thoughts on what happened?”

“Not really,” Sam replied as she glanced towards some of the rangers and police. “If they thought it was just an accident, you’d think they’d come right out and tell us. I’m going to assume they aren’t sure, so they need to try to rule out a few things before they tell us anything.”

“Looks like we’ll have a chance to ask one of the officers. I guess it’s our turn to be interviewed,” Danny mentioned as one of the officers caught their attention and beckoned them.

A few minutes later, the officer took them into the mess hall. It was fairly routine. The officer, Malik, assured them they weren’t in any trouble or suspects. He just wanted to know if they had seen or heard anything while they were out on the trails the previous day. They explained that everything seemed normal, and they couldn’t recall seeing anything out of the norm. Tucker did mention that the three of them were having trouble with their cell phones.

Officer Malik made a strange expression at the new information, but did say anything regarding it. He just thanked them for their time, and sent them on their way.

Before he left the room, Danny spoke up, “Sir, do you know what happened? Should we be worried?”

He was silent for a few moments before replying. “We’re pretty sure he just had a bad accident, but, since we don’t have an official answer yet, we do have to investigate and take statements. Sorry this had to happen while you kids are on a trip.”

Danny thanked him and hurried out the door with his friends. “So, what do you think?” he asked as he checked behind him to make sure no one was paying attention to them as they walked behind one of the cabins.

“That’s pretty cut and dry, isn’t it?” Tucker asked as he scratched his head. “Accidents do happen.”

“Yeah, but the officer didn’t reassure us it was safe. Danny, you noticed it too?” When he nodded, Sam continued, “I think they’re trying to downplay what might have happened which worries me. And since our cell phones still aren’t working properly, it makes me more anxious. I guess Vlad was right. We shouldn’t be here right now.”

“Sam! Don’t say things like that!” The scared whine in Tucker’s voice almost made Danny laugh. “You’ll see, Dash and his jerk friends will use it to tell ghost stories tonight. I not going to be happy if I lose sleep.”

“And here I thought you liked scary stories.”

“Not when we’re smack dab in the middle of the beginning of a real life horror movie!”

#fanfic #fanfiction #phandom #danny phantom #danny phantom au #dp #dp au #my writing #danny fenton #sam manson #tucker foley #maddie fenton #jack fenton #vlad plasmius #fantasy #supernatural #folklore #so i heard you like folklore #sooooooooo much folklore #Verboten

[werezmastarbucks]

Can you believe it, the Whitmore Guy knew all along

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

Part Eight

Part Nine

word count: 1160 

warnings: i need to make a masterlist for this

music: blink 182 - snake charmer

“Here’s what I don’t understand”, Y/N said, as they were walking back to the main building. “If they’re newly turned. And they’re no less than fifteen. Well, fourteen now, how come they haven’t killed a single person yet?”

“That’s the only thing that bugs you about all that?” Ric held the door for her, and they found themselves in the cool, shady hall. A couple of freshmen were walking down the stairs.

“To be honest, none of it bugs me even half the way it should. Now it suddenly is about me for some reason, and I don’t even feel scared”, Y/N revealed, “this is all complete bullshit. I’m annoyed, that’s what I am. I’ll call Caroline and tell her to gather everybody in Craze tonight, and I don’t want to work today anymore”.

Maybe she was being silly, walking away from him, and heading for the basement. But then again, Y/N’s always been an escapist. And lately, she’s been holding the punch like a real warrior.

 _____________________________________________________________

She knocked on the door twice, and went in. Mal’s space/basement/mancave was a hollow place, organized only in the middle of the big, half-empty room. It reminded her of all the zombie apocalypse movies, where the dark floors were thrashed, and the pieces of furniture stood in random places, left there seemingly by hurricanes. Mal gathered all the necessary chairs and desks in the center, leaving feet of empty space around, and sat there, in a comfortable gamer chair like a king. Sometimes he left random lights and lamps around, but never opened the windows. In fact, he kept them all safely shut, covered with pieces of curtains and paper. His den looked scary at first. But to a criminalist, Y/N was sure, it would say a lot of things. Every time she came down here, she couldn’t help analyze things. Why would he place a bookcase, one just like her own, in her office, like that, in the middle of nowhere? A piece of furniture positioned like that, not propping the wall, looks empty and makes humans feel awkward, unsafe. Mal felt great around it. Why did he choose to reside in such darkness? It was like he was pretending to be a comic book villain. Well, he very well might wish to be one.

“Hey”, he threw Y/N a bag of chewy bears.

“You wanted to tell me something important”, Y/N took a chair and pulled it closer to his desk, sitting next to him.

“Yeah, no, I wanted to do it after work”.

“Do it now”.

His lean face looked infernal in the blue light of the screen. Mal looked at her with a smile that quickly faded.

“What happened?”

“Mhm?” she threw a couple of bears into her mouth and started chewing.

His eyes were completely dark in the twilight of the basement. He looked very handsome, the fine bone structure outlined by the fluorescent shining. He looked like a picture.

“You look completely pissed”.

“It’s Damon’s birthday”, she blurted out, “and there’s going to be a party. And I have to be there”.

Tell me, she thought. Tell me it’s my paranoia, my imagination. Tell me you’re just a nice boy with no empathy in your brain who just happens to have the weirdest look about you, and come round exactly when suspicious shit starts happening.

“I’m sorry. You want me to come with? I’ll ruin the whole thing. Then we can run away laughing like maniacs, and steal his car. I’m good at stealing cars”.

“No, I actually came to tell you that you should stay away tonight”.

His eyes widened, and he got that bitter look about him again.

“Something bad’s going to go down tonight, and you should be at home”.

He was completely confused.

“Bad like… he’s gonna sing in karaoke? Because I bet I can do it worse than him”.

“A little badder. Can you go home after work and not ask me any questions about it, ever? And if something really does happen, and it’s like… in papers, can you just ignore it?”

“Nope”, he said simply. At least he was being honest.

“Don’t pull the conspiratorial shit on me, Y/N. Are you in trouble?”

His voice went really gentle. Y/N was chewing on four bears. She shook her head.

“I’m the last person who should be concerned. You know, one day I’ll tell you all about it, and we will laugh. But I can��t do it now because it’s not only my secret”.

Mal exhaled slowly, heavily, like he was a very exhausted babysitter worn out by an extremely irritating baby.

“The secret about vampires?”

She stopped chewing.

They sat, knees almost touching, and his computer was producing weird, barely audible ringing noise. It was all the more eerie as Mal kept silent for several seconds, as she stared into him.

“Vampires”.

“Yeah. Damon’s a vampire, right? And his brother, too. And, I guess, the slow blonde girl, Caroline”.

He sneaked two fingers into the open pack in her hand and stole a couple of bears.

“How do you know?”

Mal snorted, mincing almost in pain,

“Please. It’s like three steps from Mystic Falls, the vampire capital of America here. Come on, Y/N, you’re all so wrapped up in your tiny world you fail to see how simply obvious it is. This Salvatore guys didn’t even bother to erase like, the Full History of Mystic Falls from the database and the library. You go there, you choose the first book, and you see their boring faces in the pictures taken in the nineteenth century. You should get out more often”, he added, “or else you’re going to go nuts, and become just like them. Bloodsucking idiots who never change outfit and think they’re indistinguishable from other people. You know, if I was a vampire, I would try to fit in with people around. I would, like, sleep less to look tired, like normal people. Buy two or three shirts, eat sometimes. Try not to look old”.

He got back to his computer, chewing.

“You’re the weirdo here, not them”, Y/N said before she could snap her mouth closed.

“That’s not the first time you’re telling me that”, he chanted quietly. “So, can I come then? I wanna see if Damon kills somebody tonight. Actually, you know, the one thing I still can’t crack is, why do you hang out with them?”

Y/N scratched the tiny bite on her wrist, pressed it with finger and wiped the blood with her thumb. Mal looked at it but didn’t say anything.

“I remember half of them as humans. My classmates, Mal. They’re my friends”.

His mouth twisted into an upside-down smile.

“I never had any friends before you. Wasn’t a problem. Definitely didn’t waste my time on a bunch of awkward vampires who are still worried about some college parties”. And then he said,

“LOL”.

He had that amazing ability to vocalize written things.

#kai parker #kai parker imagine #vampire diaries #vampire diaries imagine #legacies #whitmore guy

[hyumjim]

In a move that’s pretty unusual for a k-pop group, 7/8 members of the girl group ANS have announced their disbandment in a letter they posted themselves on their fansite, and the letter very frankly discusses their frustrations with their agency’s management of them– or lack thereof. With most groups, announcements like this would be vetted by tons of agency staff before they ever hit the internet. But it turns out that ANS were able to do this because they were running their fansite themselves, just like they were doing everything else ANS-related themselves, because apparently the company that was supposed to be managing them… was not actually managing them:


“Our agency, ANS Entertainment had dismissed almost all of their staff once in March and once in April. They have dismissed the staff members who took care of us including our manager. Therefore, we were without any managers […] We did not even have a practice studio. 
Because we were without a manager, we had to contact and plan our schedules ourselves. We also managed the fansites ourselves and acted like a staff was managing it[…] 
This is something shameful but none of our members were able to receive any vocal lessons, and each of our members received only 10,000 KRW (~8 USD) per day for our meals. This wasn’t even given to us during the weekends. 
In actuality, we did not receive any support or management. We had requested the agency for at least vocal lessons, but the agency rejected our request, stating they did not have the money for it.
We understand the difficult situation due to the corona outbreak but the agency has neglected us too much. Furthermore, we could not just sit idly when we thought about the fans who have many expectations from us. 
Therefore, we hired a legal representative and sent a statement to the agency requesting them to follow through with the contract we have made - hiring a manager for the group, having a company office space, providing dance and vocal lessons. We requested the agency to deliver the proper measures within 14 days or we will take legal actions for the breach in contract. However, the agency did not take the proper measurements of our request. Instead, they called one of our members’ mothers and threatened us saying, “The agency did nothing wrong. We will be taking the members with good temper and leave the rest to rot like garbage. We will create a blacklist so that they can’t do anything in this field. We will make them so depressed so they can’t do anything except stay at home.” 
In response to this, we could not bear this any longer. That is why we have notified the agency of the termination of our contracts. 
This is when the issue with Haena arose. 
At the likely time when we had sent the statement to the agency, the agency began speaking about the issue with Haena[…] 
In actuality, the relationship between us and Haena was not bad. In our opinions, we did not have any special problems with Haena. 
Haena joined ANS in December of 2019. She was the youngest member of our group and was attending high school at the time. This year, our group was not able to promote as much because of the circumstances with the company. Therefore, we did not spend much time with her. 
The only conflict we had with Haena was when we convinced her to go back to school when she decided not to go anymore after being tested for the coronavirus. 
There was a person who tested positive for the virus at the internet cafe that Haena had gone to. So Haena received testing on May 29th. Fortunately, Haena tested negative and the quarantine authorities notified her to quarantine herself for an additional three days. 
During that period we were taking care of Haena’s school notices when we received a phone call from Haena’s homeroom teacher. Haena’s teacher told us on June 8th that Haena had not returned to school even after the additional three days of quarantine and did not contact the school to tell them the reason for her absence. 
The teacher revealed to us that Haena had missed many school days with the excuse of promoting with the group and the agency. She even told the school on the day of her graduation photos that she had a work schedule with the agency and did not show up to school. When we backtracked, we did not have any schedules on the day of graduation photography.
That is when we called Haena out to a cafe and told her the conversation we had with her homeroom teacher. We asked her what was going on and she was not able to clearly answer. She said it was her personal issue. Our members went on to rebuke her that lying is not good and to discuss with us if she has any issues. We encouraged her to do better in the future and we did not curse at her or even raise our voices at her. 
To be honest, these kinds of management should have been done by the agency but we had to manage Haena’s school attendance as well because the agency did not do it. 
The next day, Haena contacted one of our members and told her that Haena had been suffering from mental issues. Haena stated that she wanted to talk with her parents before making any decisions. We told her that we all respect Haena on her decision and to tell us after speaking with the agency. However, Haena stopped replying to any of us thereafter.
Then on June 12th, she contacted two members saying ‘I’m in a mentally difficult state so I couldn’t reply. I’m sorry. I will contact you after I get better.’ That was Haena’s last message with us.
Haena did not even attend the fan meeting that took place on June 20th and we went through difficulty trying to change the choreography to fill in Haena’s absence. 
Then, the company notified us after we sent them the statement that Haena had gone to the hospital because of us. They told us to go to the hospital to visit Haena but we were wary that the agency might plan something against us. So we were scared and was not able to even contact Haena. Fortunately, there was nothing too serious with Haena and we were told she was sent home. We were relieved to hear the news. 
In fact, Haena was having a hard time because of the unclear future due to the agency’s circumstances. She also revealed that she was financially having difficulties because we were not receiving any monetary support from the company. 
All our members have no ill-feeling towards Haena, nor did we have any before. We want to resolve any misunderstandings we have between Haena by openly speaking with her. 
However, the issue with Haena occurred right around the time when the issue with the contract occurred. When we look back at the time when the agency spoke ill of us and threatened us, we are suspicious the agency has used Haena to obscure the issue with the contract[…]”


I feel awful for all of the girls and I think what they have done here was brave and necessary. Poor Haena is only 18 and the oldest of them is only 23. It seems to me like they were all backed into a corner. Their agency put them in the impossible situation of managing their own group, in every aspect; marketing, event planning, not to mention choreo and vocal training, and even acting as surrogate guardians to their youngest member, all for EIGHT DOLLARS A DAY. (I especially think it is so goddamn unconscionable to make a group of young women responsible for their youngest member’s education as if they’re her parents; they were literally having parent teacher conferences and shit, which is insane.) In light of all that, it’s no surprise the youngest member had a mental breakdown, after having her own agency literally threaten to ruin her life! Even worse, after they did all of that, the company apparently then tried to take advantage of Haena’s inevitable breakdown and leverage it– thinking they’d be able to gain traction probably because of AOA/Mina’s situation– against the other girls to try and stop their story from getting out.


More than just mismanagement of idols, this is a story of mistreatment and cruelty from an agency, and I hope they face the music soon, no pun intended.


The girls signed this letter with their stage names probably because that’s how their fans know them, but those names were probably chosen for them by the company… Then again who knows– maybe the agency didn’t bother and just said you girls can come up with them yourselves, we don’t care. That seems in-character for them.


Anyway, their last comeback was “Say My Name,” so we might as well address them by their real names since they won’t be ANS anymore.


Hyunjoo, Sejin, Yeji, Sohyun, Seoyoung, Jiwon, Dayoung and Eunbi! I hope they are all able to recover well from being treated so poorly. Whether it’s as idols or not, I’ll keep following them and I hope they see much better days soon!
 (…On the bright side, there’s no reason to take their management’s threats of blacklisting seriously on any level, since this is the same company that couldn’t scrape together a few dollars for vocal lessons. If the company had that kind of influence in the industry then they wouldn’t have been broke in the first place lol. They are so broke, they couldn’t blacklist their way out of a paper bag.)

#their so-called 'management' MUMBLING AND CACKLING MUMBLING AND CACKLING #BROKE PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER LAUGH #ANS #sorry i had to delete this and reupload because tumblrs link function is broken garbage <3 so it is just text now but u can click through.

[the-bounce-back]

THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES IV - CONFIDENCE IN YOUR CRAFT

This is post 4/5 of my “Confidence Chronicles” series, in which I discuss the mindsets, actions and thought processes I’ve applied to build/rebuild my confidence in different aspects of my life. The goal of these 5 posts is for you readers to be able to apply relevant points to your own insecurities in order to combat them, and hopefully aid in building your own confidence over time.

_____________

Oooh, check me out with the post consistency. That’s how you know it’s a new year and decade, baby!

I’d like to start off by saying that I have been excited to write this post in particular for quite a long while now - literally since about July last year. However, my life was a bit of a mess at the time, and I didn’t want to put the previous post on hold, so it had to wait until now. 

Maybe this was for the best, though - this post is going to be about confidence in your craft and the projects you put out into the world. Although I was literally planning on writing this post around 7 months ago, I can honestly say that my confidence levels in my own projects have never been higher than right now, so writing about it now makes more sense. See, procrastination helps!

Anyways. To kick this post off, I want to take some time to acknowledge my many talents. Besides my *impeccable* blogging skills, not many people know that I’ve dabbled in acting and drumming in the past, and I am currently also writing a book (more about that in a future post) and getting back into interior design, learning new languages and drawing. These are my current favourite pastimes, and what I say to people whenever I’m asked what my “hobbies” are. 

The reason why I’m sharing this is because I want people to understand that unless you are vocal about your passions, how the hell are other people meant to be able to support and appreciate your work? It goes without saying that bigging yourself up and showing off your talents can feel extremely vain if you are a naturally reserved/humble person - but my hope is that this post will teach you how to be more confident in your work.

I am very excited to share this post because I am blessed to have friends of what feels like millions of different talents. Actors, musicians, podcasters, poets, youtubers, models, MUA’s, chefs, hair stylists… the list goes on, and it makes me so proud to see that they are all in their respective creative bags right now - so this post is somewhat dedicated to them as well if they ever have feelings of insecurity in their talents.

I will be talking about what I have found to be the most important factors of being confident in your creativity, not letting criticism (constructive or otherwise) make you want to give up, and getting over the initial fear of putting something you’ve created out into the world, because let’s face it; sharing something you’ve created can be incredibly vulnerable. You are essentially sharing a private aspect of yourself for the world to critically analyse, and it’s normal to find this daunting - however, it’s all about how you handle it.

Based on my own experiences and anonymous examples from my friends, I will try my best to explain how best to develop a deep sense of confidence and pride in your creative endeavours.

1. Ensure that you are doing your craft out of passion.

Regardless of if you are creating content solely for your own enjoyment or to capitalise on it, I definitely think that it is imperative that what you are doing fills you with joy and that you are excited to do the activity. This may sound like a no-brainer, but I feel like I see a lot of people nowadays forcing themselves to pursue certain endeavours due to influences from social media, or are forcing themselves to capitalise off a hobby they used to love, but now hate because of the added pressure of having to create content/products for the target audience. 

This is partly why I am apprehensive about ways of monetising this blog - or any of my other creative projects, for that matter. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t crossed my mind, but my biggest fear is starting to resent an activity I once loved because of external pressure such as deadlines, not having full creative control and having to “tread carefully” with the messages I put out, if that makes sense.

Pursuing a hobby for the sole purpose of others is never going to make you feel that what you’re creating is good. Constantly trying to please the masses as opposed to just doing whatever makes you feel happy is always going to make you feel anxious and scared of the reception, I think. Instead, I’d suggest that you evaluate what is more important to you: approval or enjoyment. If it’s the former, then by all means… keep forcing yourself to pursue hobbies that may or may not give you recognition. Who knows - maybe you’ll blow up and get the sponsorships, money and fans that you want, and I don’t even mean this in a petty or sarcastic way. If that’s what you set out to do, then I’d be very happy for you.

However, I reiterate: pursuing a hobby for anyone other than yourself runs a great risk of becoming a burden in the long run, as well as a risk of losing your self confidence when you don’t get the attention or accolades that you believe that you deserve. 

I think I have an issue with the above because it relates back to past posts in which I’ve discussed humans’ desperation to be approved and acknowledged by their peers. It alludes to a deeply rooted insecurity in yourself, your abilities and your belief in said abilities - I only say this because this literally used to be me before deciding to sack everyone off and do whatever the f*ck I wanted.

Personally, my dream scenario would be for people to find a hobby that they are truly passionate about and that they can capitalise off in a way that doesn’t restrict their creative process and that is on their own terms. Because, let’s be honest - receiving money and accolades doing something that you truly love is a major confidence boost… regardless of if the money and recognition motivates you or not. But the bottom line is that your confidence in your creativity should not be rooted in anything else but your own joy.

2. Appoint a/some constructive critic(s).

It goes without saying that true confidence comes from ~*wItHiN*~, but there is nothing wrong with looking to friends and/or family for opinions and support. In fact, I’d even go as far as saying that having someone who understands your vision and wants you to achieve your goals is a must. 

This someone is a crucial part of the creative process, because they will ideally motivate (aka bully...exactly like the gif above) you into meeting the deadlines you set for yourself, give you honest feedback and give you a kick up the arse on the days where you don’t really feel like doing anything. They will remind you of the reason why you started your project when you feel like giving up - and having someone like this in your corner that unconditionally believes in you is a massive ego boost. 

Something that’s even better than having one person in your corner is having multiple people in your corner. And something that’s even better than having multiple people in your corner, is having multiple people in your corner that are also creative and have their own projects going on. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a group of people with the exact same hobby as you (although this definitely helps too!), but surrounding yourself with people that are also making things happen for themselves gives you a beautiful sense of community. I can only speak for myself, but forming friendships with other creatives has definitely helped me come out of my shell. I still remember when I first “pitched” my blog idea to my friends - thinking that I’d get a lukewarm response (because let’s face it… a lot of people unfortunately don’t enjoy reading anymore) - but the positive feedback and support I got is what gave me the confidence to actually start. And when I was on my hiatus, I’d be harassed for updates on when my next post was coming, and brutally dragged when I didn’t post on the days I had promised. The same goes for their projects as well - it was only recently that we had to bully someone for not releasing their podcast when they said they would.

Another aspect of having a group of critics that believe in you is the motivation you get from seeing them putting their plans into action. Honestly. Seeing my friends’ work ethics and how hard they grind makes me want to be better - not only to keep up, but for myself in general.

The bottom line is that although you don’t need people in your corner to get started, it is definitely a major asset to have. You should be confident that your work is great by your own accord, but getting it confirmed - or receiving feedback for improvements - is just another key to improving your confidence.

3. Do not be afraid of vulnerability (if your craft requires you to do so).

Believe me… I get it. Putting out something you’ve created for the entire planet to see can be incredibly daunting, especially if a lot of emotion has gone into it. It feels like you’re putting a very dainty and vulnerable part of you out on a perilous battlefield, out in the open where nowhere to take cover. This is where a lot of us (myself included) tend to overthink sharing our work, or in some cases chose not to share it at all. If only you guys knew how many draft posts have ended up in the bin because I was worried about being judged (they’re being revived though, fear not!)... it’s mad how much fear and anxiety can hold you back from being great.

This is where it’s important to understand the power of being able to be vulnerable, honest and open through your selected medium. As cringe as it sounds, opening your heart to the world and letting people see your insecurities, unresolved issues and things you’d much rather hide leads to the situations power over you significantly diminishing. And the more you do it, the closer you get to the situation no longer being able to hurt you anymore - because once it’s out in the open, nothing or no one can actually tell you sh*t. Once you get to the point of no longer caring who knows what your internal struggles are, I promise that you feel insanely confident and empowered, because you are no longer living in fear.

 Another beautiful aspect of vulnerability in relation to self-confidence is that ever so often, you get to hear that your work has genuinely helped, inspired or motivated someone. I know I said that validation and approval from others isn’t the best reason for pursuing a hobby, but this is different in the sense that you’re doing your thing regardless of if you get positive feedback for it - the recognition is truly just a bonus, but a contributor to increased confidence all the same.

Hopefully, utilising these three methods will make you feel a great deal more confident about your creative projects/side hustles for the following reasons:

You’re doing this project primarily because it brings you joy.

The way I see it, taking time out of your day to do something that makes you genuinely happy is an act of self-care and incredibly empowering, in the sense that we are choosing to not be distracted and led astray by the infinite amount of garbage media that is constantly in our faces due to social media. Being able to make time on a project - whatever it may be - that brings you happiness and engages your right brain is a massive blessing in our age group, as we take on more and more responsibilities that eat up our time and drain us.

A cute metaphor for this could be that your day to day routine is a desert. Going to work/uni, doing work/uni related projects, doing chores around the house and all your other responsibilities is walking around for hours in the sun, making us drained, famished and parched. Our hobbies should be like a much-welcomed oasis, providing us with water, food, shade and somewhere to recharge (joy, inspiration, motivation and a well-deserved break for the brain).

 Okay, that was a bit cringe. But you get the point - allowing ourselves to have something in this hard life to enjoy is a confidence boost in itself.

After paying attention to the feedback you get, you’ll become even more skilled at your craft over time.

It’s no conundrum that experience equals expertise, and that constantly improving your creative process in accordance with feedback from someone you know understands your vision will make you more sure of yourself in the long run.

Think about it: if you’re already doing something you genuinely love, and you have a trusted person/trusted people in your life to turn to for genuine opinions, how can you not win? 

By “winning”, I mean your work getting progressively better over time, combined with a feeling of security and support from your peers. I mean becoming more emotionally, mentally, spiritually and maybe even financially (if you’re so inclined) stable through doing something you genuinely love. The prize is peace of mind, feeling supported, and full creative control of your work - and I honestly can’t think of anything more satisfying.

You’re taking control of your doubts and insecurities and flipping them into assets.

For me, this is a no brainer. What could possibly be more confidence-boosting than overcoming insecurities and being able to use them to your advantage in your creative endeavours? It’s literally what my entire blog is based upon, and writing about things that have caused me a great deal of pain in the past has ended up being a very therapeutic and cathartic experience, as well as extremely empowering - in the sense that I don’t allow certain situations have control over me anymore. I can now focus on continuing to heal, and help others who may come across my work in the meantime.

Having a personal project that challenges you to face and overcome your insecurities is something that I think everyone should try to have. It might get hard at times and extremely tempting to quit, but once your work is ready for the world to see I promise you that you’ll get a boost in confidence. 

By keeping these three points in mind, I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll feel infinitely more confident in your creative projects. Knowing that you’re putting your entire heart into a project that you are sharing with the whole world, knowing that you have supporters that you can trust with honest opinions and feedback and knowing that you’ve stayed true to yourself regardless of if the norm enjoys is an ideal state of mind to be in.

On a final note, I want to reiterate that there is no “wrong” or “right” way to have a hobby and gain confidence from it. This post is just general guidelines that really helped me come out of my shell creatively, and I’d like to think it’d work for others too. However, you know best how comfortable you are with exposing your work and what your existing confidence levels are like, so please proceed accordingly (and don’t blame me if things go tits up because you decided not to take the time to listen to yourself!).

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #selflove #goals #empowerment

[onestowatch]

mazie Is Transforming the World Around Her Into a Surreal Pop Dream [Q&A]

Photo: Daniela Salinas

Like twisting the rotating ends of a kaleidoscope, looking at mazie’s music from an even slightly different perspective unveils a host of varying takeaways. There’s “no friends,” her debut single, written and released at the beginning of quarantine, perfectly unaware of the universal nature her track would soon envelop. Twist a little further and you arrive at “dumb dumb,” an unconventional and surreal pop song written in response to the Capitol Insurrection and the ensuing deluge of memes. Yet, no single twist, turn, or bend of the neck begins to fully encompass mazie, the artist. 

To fully begin to understand mazie’s psychedelic, dreamlike vision perhaps there is no better place to start than her debut EP, the rainbow cassette. Throughout the EP’s eight-track run, the rising artist delivers her idiosyncratic take on pop, one that feels like falling straight down the rabbit hole. Yet, in many ways, it’s an exploration of everything mazie loves about music, including working with her dearest friends. 

Every track is produced by Elie Jay Rizk, mazie’s teenage friend and go-to producer who has always been there to bring every left-field idea of hers to life. In addition, the rainbow cassette contains a newly-realized rendition of her debut single “no friends,” featuring spill tab and Mia Gladstone, who mazie notes as both friends and inspirations. Taken altogether, the rainbow cassette feels like a bold and utterly enjoyable step forward in expanding the world of mazie.  

I had the chance to speak to mazie about writing her debut EP in the midst of a drastic period of change, coming up in the pandemic, and the simple joy of a rent-controlled apartment. 

Ones to Watch: Who is mazie?

mazie: mazie is me! I’m Grace. I’m 21-years-old. I’m originally from Baltimore, Maryland, and I just moved out to LA. I have no idea how to describe myself (laughter).

Let’s start out with the hard-hitting questions. Would you rather be able to speak every language or be able to speak to animals?

Ahhh, dude! That sucks! I think I’d rather speak... this is controversial... I think I would rather be able to speak every single language, because, what if we find out animals are so mean. And they’re talking behind our backs, they’re just roasting us all the time. That would be devastating.

That is my newly realized fear. What if animals are just extremely problematic? Just have to cancel every single one of them.

Exactly. Like, dogs are racist? That sucks.

How would you say you have evolved as a person since your debut single, “no friends?”

Wow, I’m extremely evolved. This last year, everything in my life changed. I dropped out of college. I moved with all of my friends from home out to LA, and I feel like being 21 and being totally financially independent from your family and pursuing music at the same time is really fucking intense. Every day is a struggle trying to be an actual adult, but it’s been awesome.

What’s the hardest part of being a financially independent adult?

That all of your money goes to rent and nobody tells you that.

Welcome to LA.

Yeah, dude, every dollar goes straight to my rent. Cool… cool… cool.

What is the rainbow cassette?

the rainbow cassette is my debut EP. It’s my favorite body of work I’ve ever made. It feels really complete to me, which is fantastic. I haven’t had a strong sense of my artistry until the last two years, and I feel like this EP is exactly what I want to be doing right now, which is a really cool feeling.

the rainbow cassette was written during not only a period of change, you moving from Baltimore to LA, but in the midst of a pandemic. How did the world around you affect this EP?

I think the EP is exactly the world around us for the last two years. We released “no friends” peak quarantine, when nobody had any idea what was going on. And then we made the rest of the EP throughout the whole thing, so I feel like the entire project is centered in this experience, whether we liked it or not.

“dumb dumb” was written in response to the Capitol Insurrection. How do you go about turning such a surreal experience into an even more surreal pop song?

I think the more absurd the better. I feel like every single thing we’ve been experiencing for the last few years has no fucking context at all. Where did this shit come from? How did we get here? This is brutal. So, I think the day that the insurrection happened, we were just like, “Yeah, this makes no sense anymore, so let’s also make a song that makes no sense.”

It’s like when the world’s going mad, what can you do but laugh?

Yes, exactly. Or else you’ll cry, and that’s even worse.

Is there a song on the EP you’re excited or even scared for people to hear?

That was how I felt about “dumb dumb,” because that was the first song I released after eight months, because I was in the process of signing to Good Boy, so we couldn’t release anything. But it ended up being so much better than I could have ever imagined. I’m so excited for people to hear the intro to the EP, because when Elie and I were in the studio last summer we made the intro before whatever else, and we were like “This is it. This is exactly what we want to be going for.” I’m so excited for people to finally hear that; we’ve been sitting on it for so long.

And why were you scared for people to hear “dumb dumb?” Was it the political nature of the track?

Not even. It’s just because it’s a zany song, you know? I feel like I haven’t heard a lot of songs like “dumb dumb,” so I never know if people are going to be receptive of that or if people are going to be like “What is this?”

Speaking on the absurd, surreal nature of not just your music but your overall aesthetic. Where did that originate?

I feel like it came from psychedelics to be honest. Sorry to my parents. It’s definitely psychedelics that really changed my relationship with music, changed my relationship with myself in such a positive way. It’s just who I am today and what the music is today, so yeah, straight-up psychedelics.

Was there a defining moment where you knew music was what you wanted to pursue? 

Yes. I’ve never had a plan B, which is a little crazy now that I think about it. I was singing opera by the time I was ten years old, so either I’m going to go to a conservatory and this is going to be my life or I’m going to be a music therapist or something. But then when I met my producer when I was 15, he tracked my vocals the first or second day I was in the studio, and when he played it back for me, I sobbed hysterically. It was the most mind-blowing experience ever, and I was like “This. This is it. I have to do this for the rest of my life.”

Elie is not only your producer but your teenage friend. What’s it like creating music with someone who has always been there for you but is also growing into adulthood with you?

Oh, I could cry talking about this. It’s the most powerful, incredible experience ever. We love each other so much as people. He is my best friend, and he’s seen me grow up over these last five or six years and we get to make the best music because of our closeness. You can’t fake that intimacy with other people when you’re getting in the room for the first time. He just understands me fundamentally as a person and therefore understands the music so fundamentally. It’s the greatest thing ever.

What do you hope people take away from the rainbow cassette?

I hope that they’re interested. I hope that they feel really good listening to it. I hope they have a lot of fun, because I had so much fun making it and I really enjoying listening to it. I’m a little biased though. Yeah, I just hope people really enjoy themselves, because it’s a bit of an experience.

You’ll be heading out on tour with COIN this fall. What are you most excited for?

I think just doing it, you know? Every single person I talk to about going on the road is like “I could tell you what it’s like but you’re just going to have to go through it and learn for yourself.” I came up in the pandemic, so live shows have not been a thing for me. I’m really, really excited to go play shows and see what it’s like.

Speaking of coming up in the pandemic, did you feel a heightened need to be involved in social media, as it was the only way to connect with fans?

Yes, yes. It required me to be really adept at social media super fast, which is something I think I’ll always be working on especially because content creation is kind of hard. But with Instagram and being able to connect with fans in that way, it provided me purpose when nobody had purpose. It felt like I had a job, like I was doing something constructive. It made me really get on board with social media.

Regarding social media, that’s a very positive outlook, especially during the pandemic where one had to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning.

Exactly. And if that’s an Instagram post, I’ll take it!

If you could have one thing in the world right now, what would it be?

Oh my god. If I could have anything in the world it would be an apartment…

A rent-controlled apartment?

(laughter) I want a rent-controlled apartment. I want to be like Monica from Friends. An apartment in Tokyo! That’s it. That’s the one

Who are your Ones to Watch?

I’m on Good Boy Records and Good Boy is all the homies. They’re literally my best friends. I am so excited for georgee who just put out his song “baby4u.” It’s my favorite song ever right now. And judith, who is about to put out her debut single. Just reppin’ Good Boy because they’re my family. Outside of that, I’m obsessed with my friends. spill tab, Wallice, marinelli. I think they’re all stars. ella jane. Chloe George. Oh my god. The world is not ready for Chloe George.

the rainbow cassette is available everywhere you can stream it.

#mazie #the rainbow cassette #interview #album reviews #pop

[brujebutchdraws]

this post features talk of abuse, ableism, pathologization, ABA therapy, forced medication and dehumanization. please do skip it if this might put your mental health at risk. the r slur will be spelled as such “r.t.rd”.

spoilers for the Undertale game have to be looked out for too.

links will be in bold.

[three images of the video game Undertale’s character Toriel, one being a gif, and the two others being the same images, but transparent and composing the gif. Toriel wears an all-red outfit, a short sleeved dress with a flame print on it, with crimson red heels. she also carries a small plastic bag with stimtoys in it. a grey sealion squishie, a green handspinner, a black and green music and sound-concealer headphones, a purple chewerly necklace, and a book of her child’s special interest, knights. she first holds her free hand to where her soul rests, eyes closed with a calm smile, and then she extends her free arm to her right, and ignites a flame in which a puzzle piece is scorched black. her eyes are also open with her mouth, in a friendly expression. 

upside of her is written the tag Go Red Instead. downside her is written the tag actually autistic. both are in big red letters. on her left is written “support autistic people” followed by “by being good allistic parents”, and then to her right by  the following:

“by rejecting the ‘suffering but courageous Autism Mom’ ableist fetishistic narrative and all of its variations.”

“by accepting your childd as they are by nature and stopping the pursuit of ‘cures’ when there is no disease.”

“by acknowledging your past mistakes and growing from them.”

“by reassuring your child that their worth is not defined by how ‘normal’ they appear to their peers.”

“by telling them ‘I love you’ without ‘even if you’re...’ following behind.”

“by learning to adapt to your child, and not have them to adapt to you, the advantaged adult.”

“by subsiding to certains of their needs/desires, even if they’re unconventional or unrelatable to you, so long they aren’t dangerous, of course.”

“by considering them as people first, your autistic kid(s) second. You are the only one able to truly protect their agency as a person in their formative years.”

“by letting them be the teller of their own story. if not vocally, sign language an alternatives exist. please use them.”

the phrases are all preceded by upside-down red-lined hearts.]

this is april month, autistic people awareness’ month, so i’m here to teach anyone who’d listen a bit about smtg from autistic people.

#(Go)ReadInstead is a movement of the autistic community against autism speaks’ “light it blue” movement. autism speaks promotes the idea that autistic people are sick, compare us to cancer patients, and “light it up blue” to “raise awareness about the Bad Autism we must seek and destroy out of our children”. it is a logic of abuse apologism and ableist conceptions of a neurodivergency that is no illness and neither lethal nor dangerous to anyone, caused by old myths and outdated fears of demons and faeries/changelins.

the character Toriel is not hinted at, coded, or canonically autistic. she is, though, canonically the mother of Chara, a character who i interpret as being autistic. Toriel is far from being the perfect mother, in fact she made huge mistakes that failed her child. however, she is able of wisdom and humility, and i believe that given the chance, she would learn to be an excellent parent to an autistic child, even with their trauma on top of that. that’s why i deem it best to illustrate my point with this caring goat monster.

i don’t know much about good parenting from a carer’s point of view, i’ll admit, because of personal trauma. i do have insights from the child’s position. but first, i’ll quote an helpful fellow, who i will be calling C :

“from experience, I can tell you that the worst thing you can do for you autistic children is to prioritize managing their behavior over raising them in an open minded and loving environment that addresses their needs.

like if you have a kid that moves around a lot to stim and you pull the "quiet hands" bullshit to try to get them to sit down instead of giving them other opportunities to let out energy and teaching them to manage their own movements, for example.

bad parents, they don't care about their kids, they only care about garnering sympathy for themselves because "OH IT'S SO HARD BEING THE PARENT OF A DIFFICULT CHILD”.

well that's some stuff about bad parents but a good parent of an autistic child, or any child for that matter, would be able to not only address their child's needs but also would care enough to make adjustments to themselves and the way they approach a child care if this is something they're totally new to.

though in this day and age, even parents who don't have any autistic family members don't have any right to not know autistic kids and people exist.

basically look at Autism Speaks and do NOTHING that they do.

support groups that only deal with supporting relatives of people with autism and not communicating with autistic people themselves are bad news.

stay far away from any counseling or pediatric resources that treat children showing traits typical of autism as showing "symptoms" or try to determine of kids are "at risk".

you can either help them grow into an environment where they're allowed to achieve their potential for independence and happiness.

or you can suppress them into submission and condition them to not be an inconvenience to you, which is unfortunately what a lot of parents try to do, whether out of malice or ignorance.”

i don’t have much to add, to be honest. i asked for advice and they made a point by point explanation that just did the whole job.

the keyword is also ACCEPTING. not just tolerating. no, fullout, entire acceptance. and never trying to “cure” your kid. because they’re okay, in that aspect. sure, they’ll have a difficult life in a world that doesn’t want to acknowledge them, but by trying to suppress their very nature, you’d just be playing by this world’s rules. that makes you an executioner, simply put, not a saviour or a protector.

reject all movements linked to autism moms. you are no mom or dad or pam of autism. you’re an allistic parent of an autistic child. you do not have a special parent status. you have allistic privilege over your child. use it wisely. 

or you’ll get a child like me: actually unable to function properly due to traumatic pushes for me to be all-time allistic passing, an indigo child, having learned self-destructive behaviours to take out the frustration on myself, an extremely bad self-esteem, and anger issues, and a fear and hatred of authority without explanations, and ultimately, a broken adult who loathes their parents more than anyone else in the fucking universe, and disowned them.

you don’t want that. and the only alternative to my outcome of anger because of allistic abusive parenting is a scared, hiding child, who is bound to be a dead child, by suicide, exhaustion or murdered for not being good enough. 

because only my anger saved me. taking the path of dehumanizing your offspring can only result in them destroying you, metaphorically, or destroying themselves. no in-between of miraculously not autistic anymore youth.

consider that. 

do not just support the autistic people that you can control to make yourself look good, do not think of us as little mindless things to direct according to your allistic narratives. value us all, respect us all and support us all.

companion pieces about autistic people: Papyrus, Chara, sans.

companion pieces about allistic allyship: Frisk, Grillby, Flowey.

Thanks you for your attention- Uidelsib E.N.

i invite you to course through my #actuallyautistic tag on my main, elitigre, for more insight on many things autistic.

my askbox on said blog is also open for you to ask some things on being autistic. do keep in mind i’d be answering on my free time, not as a job.

the character Toriel, from the video game Undertale (2015), belongs to Toby Fox.

this post is not invitation for debate on the autistic spectrum being an illness, harmful, or how Actually Autism Speaks Is Good And ABA Saves Lives.

all attempts to do so will be blocked. Go Read Instead.

#GoRedInstead #redinstead #actuallyautistic #undertale #ut: toriel #FuckAutismSpeaks #FuckLightItBlue #fanart #digital art

[philcreateddan]

Just wait without saying a word

Title:Just wait without saying a word

Words:

Warnings:none

Domestic moments being domestic and sickeningly sweet sometimes. 

Dan is, if Phil were to be asked for it specifically, red. He considers himself blue.

Even if Dan's favorite color to wear is another, to Phil black symbolizes emptiness, a whole where unexpected things awaited patiently to be discovered. It means silence. A complete opposite of his personality. No, Dan was red. The color of fire and blood, associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination as well as passion, desire, and love.

Red is a very emotionally intense color. It enhances human metabolism, increases respiration rate, and raises blood pressure. It has very high visibility, which is why stop signs, stoplights, and fire equipment are usually painted red. In heraldry, red is used to indicate courage.  

That was Dan for Phil. Always visible, never one to be left without the last word. A person completely able to submerge himself in projects as long as he loved them with a ferocious passion. Intense, always on spotlight, impossible to miss.

Phil considers himself blue. It has nothing to do with his eyes.

“I swear Phil they are at least three different colors.”

Blue is the color of the sky and sea. It is often associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven.

Blue is considered beneficial to the mind and body. It slows metabolism and produces a calming effect. Blue is strongly associated with tranquility and calmness. In heraldry, blue is used to symbolize piety and sincerity. Phil often believes that’s true, on the surface at least.

Dan is red. He is blue. Together they’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue for seven years. A very rare color in nature, often considered artificial. It evokes different emotions depending on who sees it. It has been evoking different emotions since Phil first tweeted him back. Back when red was a color he didn’t consider in his life.

Purple is not the color they would chose to most things, it has been spoiled by many brands already. But Phil likes the representation it gives them. He told Dan that one day.  

“It’s only a color Phil. I prefer to think we are colorless” he points at himself “and colorful” he points at him. He is wrong of course but Phil lets it go.  

Phil may not like purple that much but he likes their purple.  

Dan knows Phil can't take care of living things. That’s why he was against the plants from the beginning.

“I believe you still can save it.” Dan has been reading something on his phone while Phil's mind was in turmoil with thoughts. Things needed to be done, ideas for new videos, new merchandise to be finished, material to be prepared for meetings. Dan was concentrated, his eyebrows on a slight frown. Phil had no idea what he is talking about because last time he checked the brunette was supposed to be helping him.

“Save what.”

“Your houseplant” He says it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. The houseplant he had secretly bought and cared of had long been dying without him knowing why. Phil had given up to be honest and bought another that was expected to arrive in a few days. Dan didn't know that yet.  

“Look I’ve been reading and it might need a new fertilizer or a bigger pot.” He only stare at him. Daniel is solemnly serious and Phil wonders for how long he’d been searching for that instead of doing what they were supposed to be doing.

“Phil I swear I won't be dragged into babysitting that plant so you better take good care of it.”

Dan still hasn’t looked at him when he stands up and stretches. “Let's go then, there’s a place we can find natural fertilizers but it will take us about an hour to arrive.” Phil wants to kiss him then but doesn't.  

He does however smile as they get in the cab. Even if the houseplant is saved another will arrive soon and Dan’ll complain about it. And he will take care of it as well.

Dan is loud. Phil has headaches easily.

He isn’t vocally loud as represented on his videos. Not always anyway, at home his voice is low, calmed. But he is loud in everything else, physically he shouts any sentence even if he’s only whispering it. His emotions are loud and resonate on every inch of his body. Phil has learned listening to Dan Howell involves observing him most of the time. He can also be literally loud of course leaving Phil in fear for his hearing in the long term.

When they first skyped Dan had been quiet. Too shy to be recognizable now. His emotions had been loud for him then even if Phil was yet too new to hear them properly. Now he can't be quiet and sometimes Phil wishes he could turn Dan's volume down a little. He knows, of course that he wouldn’t in the end but it's something he is allowed to fantasize about.  

Dan is very eloquent, it's endearing hearing him speak of things he discovers after nights reading wikipedia and is always keen on lecturing Phil on different subjects before sharing them with their audience. A lot of times he repeats things he’d already told him before. Phil doesn't point it out. Sometimes he moves his hands too much and stops when Phil points it out.  

In their meetings while arranging things for final shows in Europe, Dan spoke a lot. Every commentary mouthed with intelligence, every remark cautiously seeking for the tour to end perfectly. He was very articulate in this kind of things. Phil made observations from time to time and Dan elaborated. It didn't bother him, he knew what them both wanted for their audience. Phil took care of other things, more technical ones that Dan forgot.

Phil doesn't tell him when his head starts pounding, Dan knows by now. Phil knows he knows because that’s one of the few times when the piano echoes through the flat and everything else is quiet. When the headache stops Phil tells him he needs to practice more because that was awful. Dan calls him a deaf ungrateful spoon, his emotions loud still with fondness Phil hears with every stroke of gentle fingers on his scalp.  

Dan is loud. Phil can go through any headache as long as he can observe his words being loud at everything he says to him forever.

In every social event they position the chairs so close one can't move without the other nothing. The people around are used to it now or they don’t point it out anymore at least.

The first time they met in Manchester Dan had, in hope to perform a cool personage, been physically distant. Phil had taken his hand between walking simply because he could. He had been shivering. Phil didn’t let go after his body calmed down. It's been seven years and his hand still reaches searching for Phil's before any presentation for a brief squeeze, when his thoughts become too loud, when words can't express enough what he is feeling. Phil doesn’t let go even after he stops trembling and Dan simply squeezes him tighter.  

“Take my hand so you don’t get lost.”  

“I don’t get lost.” Phil says as he take his hand. They avoid touching in public, however they are never apart for longer than five minutes. Phil gets distracted easily and wonders off. Dan always finds him. Phil jokes he Dan had implanted him a chip to GPS his position. Dan says he will, someday. Even without a chip he always finds him.  

They don’t say “I love you”. Not loudly. In fact they barely remember the last time the words were punctually pronounced out loud.

That thought scares Phil for a moment yet the words don’t come out. It feels weird to even think on saying them out loud. It’s not them. Not something they do. Not really a necessity. Never truly given a name for what they have. Something that had gone through so many changes and that has finally become steady. Solid. Platonic. Mature yet not mature enough.

Mature enough to get them tangled together with lust when nights are clear and have breakfast in bed together the morning after instead of avoiding each other with regret. Not mature enough to label it even with people who have known them from the beginning maybe. Mature enough to shrug and admit they’re happy together when asked instead of completely denying it. Mature enough to know they don’t want to date anyone else because they are not them. Not mature enough to adopt a dog. Mature enough to know it will be  their's.

Mature enough to know and knowing the other one knows and knowing that’s enough.  

“They are everywhere aren’t they?” Felix comments after the picture posted gets immediate reactions from the audience. The audience. Everyone laughs. It's good they, the collectively them offscreen, knows they are enjoying themselves, good they see them happily sharing moments with a group of people willing to be shared online too.  

For the rest of the party Phil talks with PJ, Dan sits on the other couch where they can hear him laughing.

"What comes next?" He doesn't mean it as a nosy question, it's something Phil has been wondering as well. A palpitating whisper beneath the constant steam on his brain.

"Some calm, relaxing months I expect. We can do with some vacations after last year."

"Japan again?"

"We'd certainly enjoy that. “Dan’s laughter catches their attention momentarily deviating their eyes to see him and his dimple enjoying a joke unheard by them. “Maybe going for a couple of weeks this time without so much on our heads.”  

“Without making it public?” Phil nods and receives a knowing look “They’d start sending wedding presents.” Luckily he had not been drinking or an accident would’ve occurred but they are laughing instead.  

“I reckon. They are already looking for hidden rings and locations.” In reflex Phil looks at the couch of the other part of the room. Dan’s fingers are jewelry free, uncommitted resting on his lap.

“Have you thought about it?”  

Phil often finds myself grateful of PJ’s friendship. He knows them. He knows him, not as amazingphil only but Phil, just Phil. They share a creativity bond he doesn't take for granted.

“I don’t know.” He say honestly because he is not sure the idea had been ever real in his head. Ever a thought itself separated from the solid knowledge that his life is intertwined already, enough for years to come. But then again Dan’s fingers are naked, playing with themselves. “Should I?”

PJ shrugs “You are still young besides what matters is the answer you’d receive. The ceremony is a formality.”

Phil is aware of the answer, of both their answers but then again he is not one who cares about tangible proves of commemorations like Dan. He stays silent for a while now, head spinning with ideas, pictures of moments and strangers enjoying themselves in what could be a traditional ceremony, with their faces at the center of it. Dan's. Beautiful and rose as he would be.  

“It wouldn’t be so difficult to keep it a secret. Any of it.” Whatever expression PJ had read on his face has been interpreted in fear of being discovered apparently. “Or, you could use the time to..” His eyebrows are lifted. Phil shakes his head.

“We’re not a commercial for everyone else.” PJ nods with a smile and understands the subject is dropped.

People often asks him if Dan ever has existential crisis as his branding elaborates. Phil say he often stop from falling with his body on the floor or that his worst crisis was when Zayn left One Direction. People laughs and Dan agrees with it.

In reality it's been years since Dan's last “crisis”. Phil is thankful of that, because Dan’s demons used to torment him to pieces that he’d fear would never heal back. They can laugh now, joke and use it to help their followers with it somehow but the idea of him being dragged down on that drowning spiral of thoughts again terrifies Phil sometimes.  

“I hate it Phil” He sobs with an anger that was slowly drying him and Phil doesn’t know what else to do but hold him up. “I hate my life. All of it.” It breaks Phil's heart but he can't say it. Dan can't know how the implications of his words added him in that equation of his misery making Phil feel useless and fearing he is about to lose him.

Phil believed he had been selfish then. Dragging Dan outside ignoring his glare, pushing him to make videos ignoring the roll of his eyes, talked and talked ignoring his quietness. Sometimes Phil likes to believe his voice had been the one that silenced Dan's demons back then. He just got better and loud and vibrant again and Phil didn’t care whose merit it was because it had taken him some time to heal accordingly.

Perhaps the movie they are watching would do it this time, Phil unconsciously thinks, perhaps it becomes a trigger. Phil has gotten used to this fears now, to his veins icing when a shadow obscures those big brown eyes he adores seeing alive. He asks Dan if he is okay.  

“Why?” he asks back nonchalantly.  

“Don’t you fear it anymore then?” that’s when he get his total attention.

“What are you talking about?”

Phil tilts his head to the TV “Well this film explores lonely alienation and desperation that comes as a result of not making any choices in an absurd existence.”  

Dan laughs “And? I won't lay down on the floor for a movie Phil.”

He can't really lie to Phil, not when he is staring directly to his eyes.  

“Would you prefer me having a stupid crisis instead?” he asks. Dan hates when the other doesn’t answer. He has learned to be more patient with time.

“Of course not, don’t be stupid.” Phil pauses the video, though he really doesn’t want to continue, and turns to face him entirely. “You don’t fear it anymore? How fragile existence is and all that?”

Dan is taken back then, not a reaction that denotes fear but exclusive astonishment at the question. When the other doesn’t laugh or look away he recollects himself. Phil wishes he had the ability to read his thoughts then, know why his skin tone has tainted a thin tone of pink or why he suddenly breaks into a smile. That annoying smirk he has when he knows something Phil doesn’t.  

“I was young back then Phil. Existence doesn’t scare me anymore.”

Phil frowns. Not knowing things of Dan Howell before Dan Howell was unusual on his book. “Since when?”

“Since I decided I don’t care. Everything is fragile and doomed to extinction and we are all going to die in the blink of an eye.”

“Very positive line of thoughts.”

He shakes his head still amused “I used to be terrified by a lot of things but especially by fragility. Of sentiments, of purpose, of life in general.” His pupils dilate then as his blush intensifies. Phil waits for an explanation. “Y-you know how it went for me. In many if not every aspect of my life except for one. You. Then I realized you were a constant.”

Phil certainly didn’t expect that. “ A constant?”  

“You know what a constant is.”  

“Not changing or varying.” It almost sounded like a question. Was that what he was? The only personified example that came to Phil's mind was Peter Pan. Hardly a flattering comparison. He frowns.  

“Invariable.” Dan had obviously heard the incredulity in his voice. “I mean, look, people, feelings, memories die and the universe doesn’t give a crap right?” he was gesticulating now “But none of that matters to constants. They have always been there and will continue there. If you think of that then a constant has more power than the universe itself because it's not infinite, which is an unbelievable idea, but something solid. Unbreakable.”  

Oh.

“Dan”

“And after all the crap I gave you and all you didn’t leave. So yeah you’re my constant.”  

Phil can't help it then. It really is his fault when he pulls him by the shirt and kisses him. His face is hot and Phil's hands on his cheeks cools him down, apart from keeping him from separating from his mouth to keep talking. Phil wants to tell him he is stupid then. That his analogy is flawed but then again Phil wants it. He wants to be Dan's constant. He wants it to be reciprocated.

Phil remembers sometimes school times; friends asking his help to decorate different sizes of paper with romantic themes to give their significant others. He never got the chance to do that. The most romantic palpable thing his twenty year old self ever did was a poor edition of pictures on video maker with a sappy song in the background. He still cringes remembering it. Phil had blamed it on lack of inspiration and the sensation that doing that kind of tangible manifestations just wasn't his thing.

The inspiration had arrived along with a young Dan. With his sad eyes, his bright smile, his golden skin.

The tingle to decorate A1 papers never hit, but with snow as his paper he wrote those three letters with Dan by his side, and even if they would be dissipated soon enough Dan's teary eyes as he said it back were enough confirmation that no crepe paper would be more perfect.

The plushie he had given Dan then was still in his room too.

Phil never needed material objects as manifestations of his feelings. He could write entire poems on Dan's skin with his mouth and the reactions he got were tangible enough for him to treasure forever.

Still, Dan had wanted the books. Things he could weight on his hands. Things that would stay forever no matter what. And maybe, Phil thought, that included a solid ring claiming them as each other's.

Phil is thinking this when he corners Dan on their old couch. The boxes still to be filled with things they'll keep on their new place. But Dan had been giggling after finding yet another crack on the ceiling of their lounge and with the imminent moving in only a couple of days Phil had to pull him close to attach their lips.

His skin begin to a slow burn when he separates a few minutes after. Dan follows him aching for more, his lips invitingly pink so Phil rests his forehead on his.

"Do you want me to propose?" He asks because Phil has discovered over the years that romance is overrated. With them it means private glances, secret brushes of skin and candor, honest candor when in the privacy of their flat. With them it means talking, talking like best friends before anything else.  

"What?" Dan is kissing his jaw then, so Phil clears his throat.

"Dan. Do you want me to propose to you?"  

At that Dan stops. Phil knows he is bright red right then as the other looks up with wide eyes and maybe a little pale given they had been smooching seconds before.

"What?" He squeals this time.

"Dan."

"Are you?"

"What?"

"Are you proposing right now?" Phil blinks because he somehow forgets to sometimes.  

"No. I just wanted to know if you ever want me to you know." Dan is frowning now, untangling himself from him and Phil doesn't need to open his mind encyclopedia to know his mind is working miles per hour.

"That's not how... If you don't... Fuck, Phil." He covers his face with his hands before groaning. "Fuck you scared me there, my blood went from my crotch to my face to my feet in seconds!"

"I'm serious Dan. We've never really talked about that and I don't know if you're expecting me to do it or..."

"Shush." Phil's mouth is effectively covered by a hand. Dan inhales deeply before a vomit of words come out quite rapidly. "Jesus, Phil I was about to murder you right then. I mean, no, we've never really talked of it but I believed it was clear that it is a step to come in the future for us, at least the commitment part because fuck if I ever go into a church I might implode you know? Who knows but we're already moving in a couple of days and then traveling and fuck give me a break, since when have you been thinking of marriage to begin with? Let me buy the ring first before you come and fucking- ah!"

He retracts his bitten hand from Phil with such astonishment he can't help but laugh even when Dan starts poking him.

"You. Bit. Me."

"You wouldn't shut up otherwise!" The older one manages to say between chuckles as fingers tickle him merciless. "Stop!"

"No!"

"Dan!"

"Nope."

"Please!"

What follows is a two side battle with long limbs looking to either push the other or find open spaces to attack. Bodies familiar with each other after years of gentle manipulations, compliant strokes or abundant teasing. Laughter leaving them gasping for air, the younger one victorious on top of the other.

"Phil." Dan's dimple is there, his eyes are glazing and Phil sees it there. He hadn't needed to worry after all of asking the question.  

"Yeah."

"I am going to propose to you."  

And I'm going to say yes.

"Kay."

Waiting was going to be easy, Phil reckons as their lips meet in the middle again. They are good at bargain and with answers already a certainty stronger than any ceremony Phil looked at their future months, years together with a smile.

#phanfiction #phanfic #dan and phil #phan #amazingphil #danisnotonfire #mine #this one is a mess but i had it half written for months and just wanted to finish it and throw it to the world

[individuationfic]

Seeking to Seize Chapter 16

AO3

Yu has absolutely no idea how he got into this situation.

First, they have to sleep in a love hotel for their school trip. Yosuke has been acting weird enough around Yu since the summer festival (not looking him in the eye, not sitting next to him during lunch, not acting like Yosuke) without the two of them being shoved in a room made for sex with a single, rotating bed like some kind of cheap porno or poorly-written fanfiction.

Now, Rise has dragged them to some club for drinks. (“Non-alcoholic!” she insisted at Yu’s startled look. “No booze, I promise!”) It’s like the strip club all over again, Yu thinks. It’s dark with sporadically flashing lights, so it will be hard to read lips and use JSL while he’s here.

While Rise and Kanji try to convince Shirogane to join them, Yu grabs Yosuke by the elbow and pulls him aside. He pulls out his phone and writes a quick message in his memos. Signing and lip reading will be hard here. I need you to help.

Even in the low light, Yu can tell Tosuke looks a little panicked. He licks his lips, swallows visibly, and says, slow, so Yu can clearly see, “Whatever you need, Partner.”

“No booze, my ass,” Yosuke mumbles. He sitting between Yu, who is sober, and Teddie, who is markedly less sober. He raises his voice so Rise can hear to say, “What happened to no alcohol?”

Rise squints at him. “They said they weren’t gonna put booze in the drinks!” she slurs with a pout and, yeah, if Yosuke needed proof he still likes girls, this would be it. Rise sprawls dramatically and ends up in the lap of a visibly uncomfortable Shirogane. “Naoto-kun, tell Yosuke-senpai to stop bullying me!”

Yukiko bursts into ugly laughter out of nowhere and, deciding Rise is playing some sort of game, clambers into Chie’s lap. Chie goes pink.

Then Rise complains about being treated like a kid and brings out the King’s Game.

It gets off to a rough start. Teddie tries to make Yu kiss him, but misses and tackles Kanji instead. Then, a couple turns later, when Yu’s the King, he makes Yosuke give him a piggyback ride around the room. He tries not to let himself get distracted by Yu’s weight, or by Yu’s arms around his neck falling down to his chest, or by Yu’s thighs resting on his hips. My life, he thinks, was so much simpler before Yu.

Despite his new sexual frustrations, Yosuke feels more at ease with Yu than he has in a while. He knows Yu has noticed his distance, and he can only wonder if Yu know why, but this feels easy.

That’s what love feels like, Jiraya says, and Yosuke nearly chokes on the amber-colored drink he is cautiously consuming.

So, yeah, things are going kind of well now.

Until Rise almost spills the beans about everything.

A sleepless night later, Yu watches as his schoolmates wait for the train to come. Rise, Yukiko, and Teddie all look sheepish; they’re probably embarrassed about “getting drunk off the atmosphere” at the club. Yu didn’t think shame was even a word in Teddie’s vocabulary until now.

He’s mostly glad Yosuke isn’t avoiding him anymore. He has an arm slung around Yu’s shoulder in an easy, natural affection, his chest shaking slightly as he laughs at something Chie is saying. It feels like things are back to normal after whatever it was that freaked Yosuke out. Maybe hanging out at the club wasn’t so bad, after all.

Yu finally sees who he was looking for: Shiomi-senpai and Yuki-senpai. They’ve been strangely evasive this whole trip, but they both look a lot happier than he’s ever seen them. Yuki-senpai is smiling, which is something Yu never thought he would see. And, looking closer, Yu can see that Shiomi-senpai isn’t wearing a necklace anymore.

The ring has moved to her left ring finger.

This trip must have been good for them, he thinks.

Shirogane Naoto appears on the Midnight Channel.

Senpai, for the first time since Kanji has known him, looks angry.

He’s still not too good at JSL, but he gathers that Senpai thinks Shirogane got kidnapped on purpose. Amagi-senpai and Hanamura-senpai have to take turns trying to calm him down as they progress through the lab. On one such occasion, when Senpai has to be restrained from trying to wrestle a Shadow to the floor, Kanji sidles up to Rise and says, “Do you think Shirogane wanted to get kidnapped?”

Rise blinks, like he startled her. “Oh, Kanji-kun! Sorry, I was thinking.”

“About what?” Kanji asks.

“Something feels weird about this one,” she says, lips pursed. “You know how we can go back into other places in the TV to train?” When Kanji nods, she continues, “Well, the bathhouse and Void Quest feel different from the castle and the strip club. I always chalked it up to the castle and the strip club coming from girls and the batthouse and Void Quest coming from guys, but the lab…” She pauses, considering her wording. “The lab doesn’t feel like either.”

He feels his brow furrow. “What do you mean?”

“It’s hard to describe. I can just tell if one of these TV worlds was created by a boy or by a girl. They feel different. But this one doesn’t have that distinct feeling. I can’t sense any sort of gender in here.” Then, like she’s trying to change the subject, she asks, “Why is Yu-senpai so angry?”

“I think he feels responsible for Shirogane being kidnapped,” Kanji says. “He really hates it when people are in danger, and I think he thinks we made Shirogane too curious about the case. I’ve seen him saying Shirogane might’ve gotten himself kidnapped on purpose, so he probably feels guilty about it.”

She blinks at him again, then smiles. “You’re a lot more perceptive than you get credit for, Kanji-kun.”

Her praise gets caught in his throat and he thinks his heart beats a little faster. He’s saving from commenting when Satonaka-senpai says, “Hurry up, you two! We’re leaving!” and they have to move on.

Shirogane-kun’s Shadow is fast. Almost distressingly fast. Rise can barely keep it in her sights from her place away from the battlefield. I wish I could fight with them, she thinks, biting her lip.

You are needed here, Himiko says, gentle. They need you to make the right observations.

I just get so nervous watching them. The Shadow gears up for a Mabufudyne, and Rise breathes a sigh of relief when Yukiko-senpai manages to dodge it. They put themselves in so much danger, and I can’t do anything to help.

You would not be here if you were not useful. Your mission is much too important for that, and your leader knows it.

And what if Teddie hadn’t awakened to his Persona? Rise asks, eyes firmly locked on Yu-senpai as he prepares one of his more powerful magic attacks. The team doesn’t need two navigators.

Worrying about “what-if’s” will only bring you misery, my love.

So you admit that you don’t know.

I have never pretended to be omnipotent. Chie-senpai goes down, hard, and Kanji-kun has to drag her away from the direct line of fire to help her back up. Yu-senpai decided it would be a good idea to distribute healing items equally across the whole team for moments just like this. I am an advisor, but I am not all-knowing.

Well, that’s not very helpful. Despite Yukiko-senpai’s vocal protests, Chie-senpai rushes back into the fray. Rise squints. I think Shirogane-kun’s Shadow is almost done.

The Shadow falls. Shirogane-kun’s Persona awakens. Kanji-kun catches him when he collapses, and Rise tries to ignore her twinging heart.

“I don’t really feel like a boy or a girl.”

It’s been a few days since Naoto’s rescue, and they can’t believe they’re doing this. These people have been interfering with a police investigation and lying about what they find. The big one—Tatsumi—has known violent tendencies, and the Amagi girl is from one of the most respected families in Inaba. They have no idea how open these people are to complications in gender!

The idol, Risette, lets out a little cheer. “I knew it!” she says, rounding on Tatsumi. “I told you something was different!”

Tatsumi makes a placating noise at her and the other girl, Satonaka, hisses, “Rise, have some tact!”

Hanamura snorts.  “Like you’re one to talk. You kicked me in the balls for scratching your DVD.”

“That was a collector’s edition! I had to save up for three months to afford it!”

“That doesn’t mean you need to get violent about it!”

“Yeah, it kinda does!”

To Naoto’s surprise, Amagi is the one to say, “Stop it, you two! You’re scaring Shirogane…” She trails off.

Naoto realizes she’s waiting for them to supply a suffix and says, “Shirogane-san.” Then, after a pause: “Or, you could call me Naoto, if you prefer.”

Their silver-haired leader, Narukami, signs something Hanamura translates as, “Welcome to the team, Naoto-san.”

They blink at how easily these relative strangers have accepted them. “So you don’t mind that I’m—” they don’t have the word “—like this?”

Several members of the team exchange bland looks. Tatsumi says, “I’m bi, Rise’s pan, Narukami-senpai is gay, Hanamura-senpai is bi—” Hanamura squawks at this. “Shut it, senpai, it’s obvious. Amagi-senpai and Satonaka-senpai are dating each other—” here, Amagi and Satonaka go red— “and Teddie…”

The last member of the group, a pretty blond boy Naoto has never seen in their life, says, “I like pretty people!”

“We’re not sure what Teddie is,” Tatsumi finishes.

Risette smiles, too broad and too happy to be anything but honest. “You’re in good hands with us, Naoto-san.”

Naoto does not cry, no matter how hard they want to.

#individuation #ao3fic #persona series #persona 4