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queenofallwitches · 3 years

Text

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

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merryfortune · 3 years

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I Want a Taste for You (but, I-)

Secret Santa present for @nadenagi <3

Fandom: Shugo Chara

Ship: Nagihiko/Rima

Word Count: 1.1k

Tags: Alternate Universe - Cakeverse

AN: I hope you enjoy, I wrote this in the thick of a micro-obsession oops

“You’re a Cake, aren’t you?” Nagihiko asked with a wink of his eye. “I can tell. I’m a Fork. We just know these sorts of things.”

His voice was light and airy, but Rima mustn’t have noticed.

She stiffened. She held her school bag tightly. And she was suddenly jolted with zillions of regrets about coming to school early. She just wanted to do her homework in the library because the living room of her house felt too suffocating and she hadn’t expected that Nagihiko would be lurking around, like a stray cat, this early as well. Especially not on a Council meeting morning.

She also didn’t expect that he might have a curiosity and especially one like that.

Her nerves prickled. She swallowed and shot him the sharpest glare that she could muster.

“Why does it matter to you?” Rima asked. “If its true or false.” She crossed her arms.

“You can’t evade me. I can tell. The others mightn’t have the sixth sense because they’re normal, but I can.”

It was supposed to be a secret but some people in this world were more predatory than others and Rima knew well she made for excellent prey. She was just disappointed that Nagihiko would play into the former when he knew how Rima hated that she was deemed the latter despite her better efforts. Her heart pounded as she remembered all those chiding warnings her mother had given her in the form of tall tales and lullabies and scary stories to keep her in her room after lights out.

Rima, my baby, you are a Cake – just like me, she had spoken, singsong, and that means you are uniquely sweet.

Rima glared. Why couldn’t fate have dealt her a different hand? Why couldn’t she be normal, a Plate, why couldn’t she be like him, apparently a Fork?

Nagihiko was cunningly patient as he waited to provoke her further. His eyes glistened, like a dollop of honey off the spoon, poignant and tart. He was smiling. Slightly sharp in the corners of his mouth and then, after a pregnant pause, he spoke.

“It matters to me because I’m curious as to what sort of Cake you are, Rima, dearest.” he said. “Whenever your around I get so… hungry. I have to stop myself from eating all the snacks at our meetings because you drive me that wild.”

Rima swallowed. Her instinct was to hide. To run away and curl up into a ball because that made her feel safe but Nagihiko was her friend. If she said no, he would back off. After all, as they were now, they were standing a little bit away from each other, his hands were behind his back as he waited to match her pace slower than his own.

“Then eat more at breakfast and lunch.” Rima told him with a derisive nod of her head.

Nagihiko laughed. “You really are a comedian.” he replied. “I’ll be sure to do that.”

“Good.” Rima murmured.

“So, tell me, what should I eat to get a taste for you? Custard tarts? Rock cake biscuits?” Nagihiko asked and then began to guess, his eyes started to swirl with that hunger that Rima knew very well that only Forks had. “Do you know what taste like?” And as soon as Nagihiko asked that, it appeared he had some sort of revelation. His swirling eyes stopped only to go wide, and he gasped. “Is that why you’re like that?” he asked. “You’ve never been tasted before? You want to pretend that you’re not a Cake because if you haven’t been tasted, how could you ever know for certain?”

Rima felt herself go hot under the round collar of her school uniform.

Rima knew very well what she tasted like. Her Father, a Fork, had told her once or twice. His affection was rare and scant, but she took those few sweet words to heart because otherwise she would starve not knowing that he did, on some level, love her.

And also? Rima wasn’t scared to know. She knew well that the world could be scary, no matter how pampered one was, and she if to be a Cake was her fate then so be it. She would turn that seeming weakness to strength because everyone was fascinated with the afflictions and the alignments, for better or worse.

Rima marched up to Nagihiko, her eyes boring holes in him, and he blinked. He blinked again when Rima grabbed him by his jacket and she forced him to bend down, tugging on his clothes and that distance between them was now all but crumbs. She got up onto her tiptoes, and there was a ravenous look in her eyes that spooked Nagihiko; he could feel her breath on his mouth and he didn’t have to wait very long before Rima retaliated against his teasing.

Rima kissed him and she kissed him with eyes closed. Nagihiko made a noise of surprise which was muffled by the feeling of Rima’s kiss. He kept his eyes wide open as Rima kissed him, hard, and tried to give him a good taste of exactly what sort of Cake that she knew she was.

She was a caramel mud cake. She was sweet and dense with chocolate-hazelnut filling and shavings of pecans and desiccated coconut too. She was intense decadence and if Nagihiko wanted to know the full extent of how sweet she was.

And she left Nagihiko gasping for air when she finally let up. “And now, you had better not starve, fool.” Rima told him. She readjusted how her school bag’s strap felt on her. “Now go forth and eat bread since you have already eaten Cake.”

Nagihiko blinked.

Rima huffed.

Her lips tingled with the sensation of such a kiss. That was her first kiss and she had wasted it on something as hasty as this, but she found it strangely worthwhile. The feelings of it all had exploded inside of her and what she found in the aftermath was that she had most rightly shut Nagihiko and his comments up entirely. To say nothing of the fact that taking the lead, kissing, was nice. She understood better why adults seemed to fixate on it now.

But with all her icing was scuffed but she hurried on. Rima had more important things to worry about like whether or not she would get an excellent grade on this upcoming assignment or not. She especially could not think of a more unimportant thing like worrying that Nagihiko did or did not like the taste of her status as Cake.

Still, Nagihiko watched her walk off with his first kiss as well. Not even waiting around for the real joke which was that Nagihiko was as much as a Fork as his twin sister was his twin. That is to say not at all. He had just wanted to rile her up and he supposed he did manage that at least as he touched his lips, feeling softer than before, and his own heart racing.

#shugo chara secret santa #scss2020 #nagihiko x rima #rima x nagihiko #cakeverse #shugo chara #nagihiko fujisaki #rimahiko #rima mashiro #writing tag #merry writes stuff

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connordavidscamera · 4 years

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Love Notes | Connor Brashier

A/n: I would like to thank the person in the dorm next to me for inspiring this meet cute situation. *there might be a part 2 or a blurb to follow this because there is a specific part that isn’t in here that I promised Rina.

Summary: someone on your floor has been playing piano and you can’t not love it. (college!AU)

Warnings: none

Word count: 3.5k

***

It’s been one of those days. You know the one where you’re awake, you’re alive, but you can’t seem to focus on anything. You’re going through the motions, but you can’t sit still, can’t pay attention in your lecture, can’t get yourself to work on a homework assignment for more than five whole minutes. Yeah, it’s one of those. I’ve been alternating between scrolling through my phone and working on this five page essay that’s due Friday that I currently only have an introduction for. Well… if you consider two sentences an introduction. My professor definitely would not.

I sigh and toss my phone on my bed, where it bounces and lands on the floor with a loud thud. I groan and run my hands over my face, maybe I just need caffeine. However, getting said caffeine would mean walking all the way across campus for a $5 cup from Starbucks that definitely would not keep me awake without a few extra espresso shots. It’s not worth it. But then again, maybe the walk outside would do me good. (Not that it did this morning when I was walking to class.)

I’m grabbing my shoes from my closet when the first note fills the room. And then the second and the third. At first, I think I’m imagining it, maybe it’s coming from my computer, but then I remember that I didn’t have music on. The notes get faster, louder, almost more aggressive, like the person playing them is pushing harder on the keys. But it still sounds so pretty - I might be a little biased though because I’ve always been a sucker for piano. I’ve always wanted to learn how to play too, but I never had the chance to take classes.I stand there for a while, just listening. It’s so pretty, soothing.

It takes me a minute too long to figure out what the song is, because every time I think I have it, I’m wrong. But it’s a popular song. Not new though. At least a few years old. One that was played on every radio station for months and months. Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran, I finally decide. And that’s when the melody comes to me and I find myself humming along to it. And that’s when I realize that I’ve finally focused on something for more than a second.

The notes continue to fill the room as I look over at my abandoned paper. Their fingers on the keys though, are slowing down just as I sit in my chair, convinced that if they just keep playing a little bit longer, I can get through maybe half of this essay. And much to my delight, they do keep playing once they finish the other song. It stops for just a moment though, probably to think of another one to play. This one I don’t recognize at all, but it’s soothing and while they continue to heat each beautiful, melodic note, I type away at my computer.

My two sentences quickly become ten, then fifteen, then twenty, then thirty and I’m on a roll. Before I know it, I’m working my way down my third page and the playing still hasn’t stopped. To anyone else this is probably the most annoying thing to hear, because who in their right mind would be playing the piano for, I glance at my clock, an hour and fifteen minutes straight? And I definitely don’t have an answer. At least not right now. But I’m gonna find one. I close my laptop and shove my feet in the shoes I had taken out of my closet earlier. I don’t close my door completely when I step out of my room, knowing that I’ll go back in just as soon as I find the source of the notes. They get louder as I make my way down the hallway. I stop in front of the door where I’m 99.9% sure the music is coming from. Room 1327.

Cautiously, I press my ear against the door and am once again met with the aggressive taps on the keyboard. I take in a deep breath and nod before heading quickly back to my room. I grab a stack of sticky notes from my desk and a sharpie. I scribble out a few words and then rush back out to the room. Half of me says not to do this. To leave it alone. But the other half of me says that whoever lives behind that door needs to be told that they play beautifully. Which is exactly what the note you stick on their door says. Just three simple words and a smiley face.

‘You play beautifully. :)’

And with that I go back to your room to grab my bag and keys, now in desperate need of that caffeine I was craving only an hour ago. I lock the door behind me and head to the main exit, opposite of what is going to easily become my favorite room, if they continue to play like they are now. I open the door to the closing notes of “The Scientist.”

When I come back, much later than I anticipated (but I guess that’s what happens when you go to the only open Starbucks on campus at eight at night, with an abundance of due dates fast approaching.) my eyes are threatening to close on me - despite the two extra espresso shots I added to my order. I don’t notice it until I’m at my door, key in the lock, that the music hasn’t stopped. And being the oh-so nosy person I am, I make my way down to the magical room 1327 and notice my note is missing. I smile softly and I hope - selfishly - that they play just long enough for me to fall asleep.

I trudge back into my room and the first thing I notice is all the lights are on, which means my roommate, Tara, is back. She’s not a huge fan of the dark when alone, always keeping at least two of the lights on when I’m not in the room. She’s laying on her side, with her phone in her hand and her earphones in. I move farther into the room, turning off the bathroom light on my way to my desk. I set my bag on my chair and toss my keys on the smooth, although kinda crowded, desktop. She sits up, pulling her earphones out. “Hey.”

“Hey, sorry I’m back so late. Starbucks was packed. And then I ran into one of my friends and we got a bite to eat.”

“It’s okay. Do you hear that?” She asks quickly.

“Hear what?”

“The piano. Do you hear it?”

“Oh that? Yeah, they were playing before I left.”

“Yeah, well they’ve been playing for almost two hours now. Nonstop. It’s driving me crazy.”

I shrug and reach for a fresh pair of pajamas, “I don’t know. I think it sounds nice. I’m gonna go shower.”

I don’t hear the music in the bathroom, but that’s definitely because I’m playing my own, needing something that could wake me up just enough for me to get through my shower without passing out from complete exhaustion. I’m disappointed to find that the notes are no longer filling the room when I get out of the bathroom. It’s strange, but I already kinda miss them.

---

Mystery piano person continues to play for the next week, sometimes repeating songs from the day before, but mostly playing new ones. I wonder if they knew these all previously or if they’re just learning as they go. Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but that could just depend on the difficulty of the song, I guess. I tug on the sleeves of my jacket, pulling it off my shoulders before going to my desk to write another note for the piano person.

‘Still beautiful. But aren’t you scared your fingers will fall off with all that tapping? Lol :)’

I leave the room to put the note on their door when I notice one already there. I scrunch up my face. The one I left yesterday was already gone by the time I got back to the dorm last night, and it was written on an obnoxiously bright pink sticky note. This one, however, is blue. I don’t want to be nosy, but I can’t help but read it when I go to place mine.

‘Thanks for the notes. Glad you like it. Have a favorite so far?’

I stare at the writing for a while, it’s scribbly, and small (half of the sticky note is left untouched), but legible enough. It’s Part of me thinks I shouldn’t reply. Because if it’s not for me then that would be totally awkward. But if it is, it would be rude not to answer, right? I scurry back to my room to get a pen. I’ll answer, I decide. There’s no reason not to.

‘Yellow - Coldplay’

The music stops on the other side and I quickly run back to my room, not wanting to get caught. Because sure this isn’t wrong or anything, but some part of it feels… intrusive. I hear the door opening just as I’m shutting mine and I so desperately want to peek out and see who mystery piano person is, but that would give me away as well. And even though we live on the same floor, I’ve hardly met anyone that wasn’t Tara and a few girls that lived down the hall, and I’m not quite ready for that yet.

---

It goes on like this for another two weeks, passing notes back and forth. Him asking for feedback - I usually have none. He thinks I’m lying, says there’s always room for improvement. I tell him that since I don’t have a background in music, I have no room to judge. He asks if he can teach me. I tell him maybe someday.

‘Okay Yellow, we’ve been at this for weeks. You gonna tell me your name yet?’

I smile at the nickname.

‘Not today, piano man. Soon.’

‘Fine. But you know my room number. Can I have that at least?’

I think it over. It seems only fair that he knows that.

‘1320.’

The note is not on his door the next day. It’s on mine. But I don’t respond to this one. I don’t have time.

And when I get back to my room later in the evening, the note was still there, untouched, unanswered. And even though I wanted to, I didn’t have the energy to respond. I was spent. It was one of the rougher days. One thing just piling on top of the other until it’s like that one chair that has all your clothes on it that’s not necessarily dirty, but you wore it for a few hours so it’s not clean enough to hang back up. You know the chair that becomes the biggest fucking inconvenience when you need to work at your desk so you have to throw all the clothes on your bed only to throw it back on the chair when you want to lay down.

Yeah, my day was pretty much that chair. I woke up late thanks to my alarm that just didn’t go off? So I was running really late, and I had to sprint to my first class, and I was still late. Then when I went to get coffee, the line was long, and when I finally got my drink I had a total of two sips before someone bumped into me and I dropped the cup on the ground outside the building of my next class. Then there was a pop quiz in said class that I’m quite sure I failed because I don’t think our professor had even covered half of what was on that test. Then my phone died and in my rush to get to class, I left my charger in the dorm. And the cherry on top of this already melting sundae, I locked myself out of my room. I swore I had it when I was leaving, but as I retrace my steps, I remember leaving it right there on the bathroom counter. And it’s just my luck that Tara won’t be back until after midnight tonight because she’s closing at work. I let out a loud groan and take a seat across from my door, legs crossed in front of me.

I know I should work on my homework that’s due at the end of the week (in literally just two days, actually) but my computer is on the verge of dying too, so there’s no point. I pull out the book I’ve had stuffed in my bag for days, in hopes of finding some time to read it. I guess with nothing to do for the next four and a half hours, I could read.

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting there, but I notice about ninety pages in that the familiar sound of piano man is not filling my ears.

“Locked out?” Someone says, the first one that I’ve seen come down the hallway since I’ve been here actually. I knew this floor was pretty dead, but I didn’t ever notice that it was this dead.

I chuckle bitterly, “Yeah. Just a little bit.”

“Is your roommate on their way?”

I shake my head, “No, she won’t be back until late.”

“Did you call the RA on duty?”

I hold up my phone which rested beside me - habit, I guess, to take it out of my back pocket in case I get notifications, “Phone’s dead.”

“You can use mine, if you’d like.”

I shake my head, “No, it’s okay. Thank you.”

“Well, it’s cold out here. Why don’t you come to my room? You can charge your phone and get off this dusty floor that I don’t think has been cleaned since we got back from break,” he says light-heartedly.

I can’t help but laugh, “You have a point there. Okay… sure. But I have to ask you something first.”

“Shoot,” he holds his hand out to help me off the ground.

“What’s your name?”

He looks down with an embarrassed smile on his face. “I’m Connor. And you are…?”

“Y/n.”

“Well, y/n. It’s nice to meet you. Uh, my room’s this way.” He takes the lead and I sling my bag over my shoulder. I think my heart stops when we get to his room. Room 1327. Fuck.

He frowns for a second, looking from his door to mine just once before opening the door. “After you,” he pushes the door open and I smile sheepishly before entering. Sure enough, there’s a keyboard against the far wall, where the window overlooks campus. The odd number rooms definitely got the better views. I stand awkwardly near the wall, allowing him to walk through and set his stuff down.

“You can sit down. Let me just, move some of this stuff real quick,” he takes his towel off his desk chair and takes his shoes from under the desk, throwing them carelessly to the corner. “Sorry, it’s a little bit messy. It’s laundry day tomorrow, so there’s shit everywhere. Please, sit.” He gestures to the chair and I do, setting my bag down next to me, leaning against one of the legs of the desk. “Do you want something to drink? I have water and… no that’s about it. I need to go grocery shopping, too.” He laughs.

“Thanks, Connor. But I’m fine.”

“Okay,” he nods, sitting down at the stool in front of the keyboard. “Oh! Charger,” he stands up and goes over to his nightstand. “May I?” he holds his hand out and I nod, handing him my phone from my back pocket. “Sorry, I’d plug it in over there, but that outlet is fucked. Hasn’t worked since I moved in here.”

“No, it’s fine, really.”

Slowly he makes his way back to the keyboard, facing me, away from the setting sun. I spare a glance behind him and notice the bright pink sticky notes that rest on the wall beside the window. They’re my notes, every single one of them. I clear my throat. “Um, I’m assuming you’re the one who’s been playing the past few weeks.”

He cringes, “Yeah, sorry about that. It’s just how I’ve been destressing recently. It’s probably been getting on everyone’s nerves.”

“Not everyone’s… you play beautifully.”

He doesn’t say anything for a second, and then clears his throat, looking down at his feet. “Uh, thanks.”

“How long have you been playing?”

“It’s actually a pretty recent hobby. My friend started teaching me like last March, I think. And then I started watching a lot of videos on YouTube and I got pretty good at it, I guess. I mean, I won’t be selling out any arenas or anything like that.”

I laugh softly, “Well, I would definitely buy a ticket.”

I swear I see his cheeks tint pink, “Do you play?” He asks, avoiding the compliment.

“No,” I shake my head. “I’ve always wanted to learn, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have a musical bone in my body.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“Oh it is. I uh, I auditioned for my school musical in like fifth grade. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone cover their ears so quickly.” I laugh and his eyes crinkle at the sides as he tries his hardest not to. “It was definitely not one of my shining moments. Yeah, I told myself that day not to even think about starting a career in music.”

“Were you singing?”

I nod.

“Okay, well singing isn’t playing. And if you ask me, the notes, the chords, that’s what makes the music, not the words. Although those are important too.”

“Can you sing?”

“My shower head hasn’t told me to stop yet.” he jokes. And when I laugh, genuinely this time, he just watches me for a minute. “So you like yellow,” he says, turning to face the keyboard.

“I’m sorry?”

“The song. You said it was your favorite one that I’ve played.”

I sigh, “What gave me away?”

“‘You play beautifully.’”

“Well, it’s true. However, my preference did change since you last asked me. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you now play yellow at least twice every day.”

He’s really blushing now. “Gotta keep the audience happy.” His fingers press gently over the keys not settling on a melody yet. “What’s your new favorite then?”

“You played ‘happier’’ the other day. I’ve never heard it on piano like that. I really liked it.”

He nods and starts playing the opening notes to it. “Now, I told you I wasn’t a singer,” he looks back at me, “but I’ll try it just for my biggest fan.”

I roll my eyes, “Oh shut up.”

“‘When the morning comes and we see what we’ve become, in the cold light oh na na na na na na na na…’ definitely don’t know those words.” He smiles and I think my heart melts at the sight. “‘Every argument, every word we can’t take back. Cause with all that has happened, I think that we both know the way that this story ends.’”

He continues through the song, but doesn’t continue singing after the first chorus. I’m sitting here, watching his fingers dance across the keys like they were made for it. He moves his body with each note and I am absolutely mesmerized. I know I’ve always loved piano, but watching him do this makes me love it even more.

“God, you’re perfect.” I mutter when he’s done and immediately cover my mouth because holy fuck, I said that out loud.

“Well, I wouldn’t say perfect.” He turns back to face me. “You’d have to get to know me more before you could make that assumption. And I can guarantee that you will not feel the same way after.”

I shake my head, covering my face with my hands. “I’m sorry. I really did not mean to say that out loud.”

“It’s cool,” he waves it off. “Although, I wasn’t kidding about getting to know me. Because I’d love to get to know you.”

I clear my throat, removing my hands from my face. “Well, I’m free right now,” I say, crossing one leg over the other, this newfound confidence foreign to me.

“Can I take you to dinner? Or to get coffee, if you’ve already eaten.”

“Right now?”

“Why not? You said you’re free, right?”

I nod, “Yeah. Yeah.”

“Okay, then it’s a date.”

“A date?” I question with a raised eyebrow.

“First dates are usually meant to get to know each other, aren’t they? And hopefully this isn’t too forward. But I think I have an idea for our second one too.”

“Oh you do? Well someone’s optimistic.”

“Only when it counts. So, may I?”

“May you what?”

“May I, Connor,” he stands from his seat and holds his hand out to me, “take you, y/n, on a date? Right now?”

I bite the inside of my cheek, “Yeah,” I finally say, placing my hand in his, “Yes, you may.” He pulls me to my feet and we’re so close. He smells nice, clean, with just the slightest hint of cologne that I can’t quite place. But I know it’s easily becoming my favorite scent already.

***

I hope you enjoyed reading!! Like, reblog and leave feedback!! Permanent tag: @soyalimoncada-blog @tinycertain @magcon7280 @daisyangei @devilmendes @babybrash @fallinallincurls @lovewithanattitude @sinceweremutual @myyohmyuohmyy @perfectly-mendess @enchantingbrowneyedgirl @baroness-alison @lostinmendess @linanilssonfurberg @luvluvxx @mariamuses @shawnieeboyy @divinginfearlessly @mendesficsxbombay @shawnsthighs @shawns-badreputation

* bold wouldn’t let me tag

** if you want to be added or removed from any list (permanent, Shawn, Connor, or We Were Us just let me know

#connor brashier #connor brashier imagines #connor brashier x y/n #connor brashier x reader #connor brashier imagine #connor brashier fanfiction #connor brashier blurb

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gaelstudies-blog · 5 years

Photo

1. Don’t beat yourself up about how fast you read or how you focus

I have a bad habit of thinking back to my childhood and remembering how quickly I could get through books. I could get through 2 or 3 in a day with little difficulty. And now I’m lucky if I can get through a book in a week. But remember that what you’re reading and how you read changes all the time. It’s likely you’ve progressed into more challenging and longer works, and it’s also likely that your brain is wanting to understand it deeper than you did as a child. Sometimes life gets in the way and we lose the ability to focus on specific things for long periods - and that’s okay! And sometimes, depending on our mental health or disabilities, we might not have that ability - and that’s okay too. But that doesn’t mean you’ll never find a method of making it work. It’s accepting and understanding your limitations and seeing what you can progress at. Accepting these things can help remove some of the stress that we build up and associate with reading. Stress can be a big factor in how we can focus.

2. Structure time into your day or week to read

You don’t need a completely structured timetable for each and every day (or you can if you want!), but giving yourself a minimum amount of time to read each day or week can be a great way to get yourself on track. If you’re struggling to hit a specific time each day, don’t be afraid of lowering it. Or breaking it up. You can set 30 minutes to read each day but that doesn’t mean you have to do it all in one go. You could break it into five or ten minute chunks here and there. You could also consider giving yourself a weekly goal instead. An hour or two of reading each week might not feel like progress, but being dedicated to returning to reading can help your mind focus on it and it’s likely you’ll end up progressing past it.

3. You don’t have to finish books

If you’re not enjoying reading something, unless you absolutely need to read it for an assignment, don’t force yourself to read it. Instead take a step back and find another book to work on instead. It doesn’t count as a failure to not enjoy something and want to read something else. It might suck if it’s a book you were looking forward to, cost a lot, or you want to work on reading goals but it’s okay, I promise you. And if you’re having to read it for an assignment break it up with reading something you enjoy also. Try and remove the association of reading with stress and unpleasant reading material.

4. Set reasonable goals

I see people on Twitter being like “I want to get back into reading so I’m setting a reading challenge of 100 books for the year”. Whilst yes, some people do occasionally manage it or manage close to it a lot of them don’t. A lot of them get stressed about the challenge ahead and give up or feel like a failure. Be realistic, and set a low number at first. You can always go past it! But don’t just set yourself the challenge of ‘read more’ because that doesn’t mean anything. Give yourself a numbered goal that’s also timed. E.g. a book a month or twenty books in a year. This way you can feel motivated when you’re managing to progress the goal and accomplished when you succeed.

5. Use Youtube, Goodreads and Tumblr as motivational tools

There are lots of Youtube channels dedicated to talking about books, some of them can offer great advice and recommendations. I find that when I watch these videos I get really motivated to read and often pause their video to focus on something I’ve been meaning to read. Tumblr blogs also can post cosy aesthetic pictures of books, libraries, and reading spots that can put you in the mood. And there’s plenty of people happy to give book recommendations. Using this can help you find something you would be really interested in reading and you can join the community and get support and more. Goodreads also recommends a lot of good book suggestions, and you can read reviews - remember that reading reviews (and this post!) counts as reading. Get involved in different reading communities where you can support one another, chat about books and more. You’ll find that you’re likely to return to reading more frequently when you’re associating it with fun and friendships. Make your own videos and posts, you don’t have to share them but it can be a great way to think about what you’re reading and put yourself in the ‘I want to read’ mindset.

6. Struggling with focusing on fiction? Try non-fiction

If you’re struggling to find good non-fiction books to read, and find that these aren’t keeping your interest - that’s okay! Think about your interests and see what non-fiction books are out there about your topic. These might take longer to read because of how packed with information they are, but you might find that you’ll be so interested in a topic that you can focus on it a lot better. And you might get more motivation from being aware that you’re learning something.

7. Be aware of your surroundings

Is it really noisy around you? Is your TV, laptop, phone etc in your view? Try changing up your environment. Put electronics away, find a quieter place to study or alternatively try some music on in the background, you might have to experiment with what music you put on but this helps me focus with my reading and writing. And I know others who say the same, but likewise what works for some people (or a lot of people!) might not work for you. Try experimenting with your ideal environment and you’ll find that you can focus a lot better.

8. Don’t read books just so you’re not missing out

It can be easy to want to read something because lots of people are talking about it and you want to join in. But if it’s not something that you’re actually interested in, it might be worth giving it a miss and focusing on things that you’re actually more interested in. Although in saying that, sometimes it can be a good idea to push ourselves to try something out of our comfort zone and you might be pleasantly surprised! Just remember point 3.

9. People have different capabilities

This might seem like an obvious one, and it’s one that we definitely all know, but we can still find ourselves comparing anyway. Some people can get through books quickly and have multiple books on the go at once. Others get in the habit of starting a new book every day. Whatever your style, it’s progress. With your eyes reading even just a page a day (or less) you are progressing. You are doing great! Some people have to use different methods if they want to engage with reading: audiobooks, Ebooks, etc and these definitely count. Take pride in your reading even if you’d rather be at a different level. Things take time to learn and you might find there’s people that look to your posts about reading (which you should make as a motivational tool!) with envy.

10. It doesn’t have to be a book for it to count

I sometimes beat myself up because I haven’t read a lot of books in the past year. But then I remember reading 100 or so articles for university assignments and classroom lectures, I remember books I’ve flicked through to find important chapters to read. Those count! These count towards progress and are definitely beneficial. This post counts as reading! So don’t be afraid to put newspapers, homework reading materials, and longform blog posts into your reading count. Words on a page are words on a page regardless of what format it’s in.

You’re doing great, no matter how much or little progress you’re making, have faith in yourself.

Photo credit: XPLAI studio (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0)

#studyblr #bookblr #studyspo #study motivation #reading

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devinetheory-2 · 4 years

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Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

Many things can destroy trust and intimacy between partners when one is a high conflict person, often someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. But one of the top ones is lying--especially when it is about extramarital contact. A disclaimer: not all people with BPD or knowingly NPD lie. It's just that those who do lie so thoroughly and often that they spoil it for those who do not.

Just What Is a Lie?

First, let's define what a lie is, because what constitutes a lie and the truth is a gray area. The book Lying, Cheating, and Carrying On (edited by Salman Akhtar and Henri Parens) contains several essays about lying. In the essay "Lies, Liars, and Lying: An Introductory Overview," Salman Akhtar, M.D. lists several types of lies that are conscious lies, i.e., those that Pinocchio knows are false.

Here are examples that a 17-year-old girl might tell to parents who went on an overnight trip and left her at home "alone."

1. Lies of omission: telling the truth but not the whole truth in a way designed to mislead ("While you were gone I watched a DVD"--not mentioning the five people who were also over and who drank beer).

2. Not speaking up when asked a direct question: (Silence when asked, "What did you do when we were gone?")

3. Making up facts that are not true: ("I did my homework while you were gone").

4. Embellishing the truth is a way that misleads: ("I took care of the cat"--meaning she petted it a few times but forgot to feed him on time or change the litter box).

5. Insisting that a truth known to someone is a falsehood: ("I did not have friends over!").

6. Gaslighting: an attempt to erode another's reality by denying their experience ("No, the house looks exactly like it did when you left. Is there something wrong with your vision?"). One woman in therapy once said that nearly all the quarrels in her family was about whose reality would be dubbed the "right" one.

7. Acknowledging the truth but assigning motives that were never there to make yourself look better: ("Yes, I had people here but only because I was so lonely without you that I was getting very depressed and started crying").

8. Keeping secrets for the wrong reasons: (One of the friends stole the mother's expensive earrings).

Unconscious Lies

Now let's look at unconscious lies, or untruths that the teller believes on a conscious level. Being truthful takes the ability to be honest with one's own self, because if you're not honest with yourself, you won't be honest with others. For example:

1) When a narcissist says that everyone loves and respects her when it's obvious to others it's not true, that's an unconscious lie. Les Carter explains this well in his book, Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. He writes (p 17):

In a sense, narcissists are out of touch with reality. They are not mentally ill, like a psychotic; they are just unwilling to acknowledge truth that doesn't match their preferences. While normal people can weigh events rationally and draw fair conclusions about themselves, narcissists do not. They lack the objectivity to live with reasonable insight because their need for self exaltation does not allow them to accept that their perceptions might not be the ultimate truth. Their idealized view of themselves blinds them as they try to make sense of life, particularly the elements in themselves that might be imperfect or that might require adjustments (and they never want to make adjustments).

2) When a borderline's intense emotions lead him to use projection or emotional reasoning ("feelings equal facts"), that's an unconscious lie. When we are gripped by a strong emotion that doesn't fit the circumstances, we interpret what is happening in a way that fits with the emotions we are feeling instead of the facts presented to us. In other words, we seek to confirm what we already feel and ignore new evidence that does not fit, maintain or justify the emotion. We all do it, but people people with BPD (who see things in black and white and have unstable, intense emotions) do it to a greater degree.

And as if that weren't enough, lingering negative feelings about other issues make one more likely to see negative intent. People with BPD tend to remember every hurt "done to them" as though it happened yesterday. Their false conclusions lead to problematic decisions and behaviors since they're always assuming the worst. They also project their own feelings onto others, so their "You hate me," means "I hate myself." These are untruths, but not really overt lies (as damaging as they may be).

It's hard to tell the difference between a conscious lie and a conscious one. A man says, "It is like we both walk into the same movie theater. I thought that we entered into see the same movie. We sit together. We enter and leave at the same time. But afterwards, I learned that what she saw was entirely different from me, even though we sat and watched the same movie. Her version is no where even close to mine."

What Clinicians Say About Lying and BPD

In the essay "Lies and Their Deception" in the same book, Lying, Cheating, and Carrying On, Clarence Watson, JD, MD pulls no punches when he says, (p. 98):

Given that a BPD hallmark is interpersonal relationships that alternate between idealization and devaluation, the person with BPD may distort facts aimed at the person with whom they desire a personal relationship.

Whether through attempts to draw persons into [intense and rocky interpersonal] relationships or viscously attack another during episodes of the extreme rage associated with perceived abandonment-the borderline personality may use lies and deceitfulness to accomplish these objectives.

Impulsivity and poor impulse control, he writes, means they may not consider the impact of their words before they speak. "In the moment, their desired objective, whatever that may be, takes such precedence over speaking the truth or behaving honestly that the potential consequences of their conduct are reduced to shadowy details."

Other reasons for lack of truth-telling

Some statements may start out as deliberate lies; over time, they become real (the old saying, "Tell a lie often enough and it becomes the truth"). Some statements may be exaggerations, such as a woman accusing her husband of "strangling her" when he touched her neck. People with BPD--especially the conventional type--may judge themselves harshly and expect others to do the same. Lying serves to deflect shame when something might make them look bad, thereby maintaining whatever self-esteem they have on a temporary basis.

This backfires on those people with BPD who then feel worse for having lied (or at least being found out).We all have things about ourselves we would prefer others not know. But we see the good and the bad and hope others do, too. With their black and white world and rejection sensitivity, people with BPD believe that anything "bad" would make others reject them.

Lies may create drama and gain attention. One woman lied that she had been raped to get her boyfriend's attention when he had not been paying enough attention to her.Lies may mask real feelings and put up an impressive façade; this is especially common with invisible BPs.Lies may help make sense of why things happen to them in their mixed-up identity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Some lies maintain the facade of the False Self: the perfect, superior self the narcissist thinks she is or pretends to be. On a more conscious level, lies are central to:

* Staying in power and keeping things under control

* Keeping the flow of narcissistic supply (adulation by others, which are like ambrosia to the NP)

* Satisfying the grandiose, entitled self

* Avoiding any shame if their status is not as high in reality as they think it should be

* Minimizing the onerous possibility of having to concern himself with your needs.

A Few Examples from Partners

* "He lied consistently about his earnings even in the face of documentary evidence."

"* She told me she had cancer when she didn't."

* "He lied consistently for at least a decade regarding fidelity. He used gaslighting techniques to convince me that I was imagining 'missing' condoms from packs in our bedroom."

* "She denied verbal abuse, telling me that, 'I never called you names when anyone else was listening.'"

* "He refused to say where he was going, where he had been, or when he intended to return home--even when doing so was simply to facilitate normal family life-mealtimes, etc. His most oft-used sentence was 'That'll never be known.'"

* "He lied about his history of dyslexia, even when it would have helped our sons with the same problem."

* "She said she had a night class when she went to a hotel weekly with another man."

So how can someone consciously lie like this? NPs have no empathy. They require narcissistic supply--what's a little lie when your very survival, is at stake? And besides, they think, rules apply to other people. Under these circumstances, telling falsehoods is probably uncomplicated and effortless. Watson says, "Overall, their frank manipulation of others may be part of a 'by hook or by crook; mentality to accomplish their goals."

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francesderwent · 5 years

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I feel like you've probably answered this somewhere or, alternatively, are tired of the question but: how did you decide to study theology? I'm so glad you did and are because it feels like you were made to but how does one decide that? What's your phd in theology backstory?

I don’t think I’ve ever actually talked about it here! And I’m happy to!

Short answer? It wasnever something I planned, it was something that came at the end of a long seriesof “let’s just take one step forward and see what happens” kind of choices.

Long answer?

When I started applying for colleges at sixteen, I hadnever, in my life, had a single reasonable goal of what I wanted to be when Igrew up – the working plans went from princess to singer to actress, alwayswith the tacit understanding in the background that these were things that werenever going to actually happen, because princes were scarce, and I wasn’tcommitted enough to either of the other ideas to do the suffering-artist thingand chase them down. And so, I appliedto college as a theology major, because I figured religion was the one thing Iwas good at. I knew Church teaching backwardsand forwards, I’d read the whole Bible for school that one time, and when itcame to writing retreat talks or speaking the controversial truth in discussion,I could run circles around all thekids in the parish youth group. Ifigured I was going to be some kind of prodigy; I could accurately distinguishbetween the Immaculate Conception and the Virgin Birth, after all.

Needless to say, I was an unbearable person with very fewfriends.

My college applications came back, and the financial aid wasbest at the school I least wanted to attend. Feeling like a martyr, I decided to attend there. My first semester I was required to take anintro to philosophy class before I could start taking theology. I felt this was probably a waste of my time;I was ready to get my lower level theologies out of the way so I could go on tothe advanced stuff. But I signed up forthe philosophy which best fit my schedule and prepared to blow everyone away. (Did I mention I was unbearable?) That semester, the newbie philosophyprofessor whose class I’d signed up for was having all his freshmen readPlato’s Republic, cover to cover. And just like that, my life waschanged. For the first time I wasn’tmemorizing factoids about the truth, straight off the page of the Catechism orthe Summa. I found myself in the placewhere Truth opens up before you and you realize it’s always going to be biggerthan you, you’re always going to be inside of it, there’s always going to bedeeper to go. I read all my homework twoor three times. I spent ages on all mywriting assignments, fine-tuning my arguments, trying to find new angles. I raised my hand enough in class thatoccasionally the professor would have to say “Somebody other than Cate.” And,miracle of miracles, I was good at philosophy– not because I’d read more or because I had more orthodox parents than anyoneelse, but just immediately, mysteriously, like all of a sudden I’d discoveredwhat my mind was made for. I added asecond major within five months of being at school, and then was delighted todiscover that the theology department was alsofull of people who were thinking deeply about things. I loved all my classes, but I still likedphilosophy best.

When I was approaching graduation, I sat down with one of theprofessors and asked what he thought I should do next. I knew I didn’t want to work in a parishoffice, and I I didn’t feel ready to teach high schoolers; I thought I mightwant to go to grad school, but I didn’t even know where to begin. And he explained to me that most of thephilosophy programs in the country were focused on analytic philosophy orlogic, and very different from the philosophy I’d done at school. And the type of theology I’d been doing forthe last four years was apparently a veryniche school of theology – there was one grad program that had continuity withwhat I’d learned, but only one. “It’s avery metaphysics-heavy program,” he told me, placidly, as if he hadn’t justpulled off a really impressive con, “the best philosophical thinker alive is teachingthere. It’s the only place where youwouldn’t really have to choose.” And soI applied to grad schools: some theology, some philosophy, with the theologywith-a-metaphysical-focus that my professor had suggested as my first choice. Offers and rejections trickled back. I got a really generous offer from a safetyschool far down on my list, and I began to wonder if I was going to end up withmy last choice again. I needn’t haveworried; if I hadn’t been at my last choice for undergrad, I might never havefound out about my top choice for grad school. God had put me exactly where I needed to be four years earlier, and everythingfell into place for the next step. Imoved, I took out loans so I could pay rent, but it all worked out. I wasn’t even alone – two of my classmatesfrom the theology program were starting the Masters with me.

Looking back on it, I kind of squandered those twoyears. I had a lot, a lot of personal drama in that time, andI was in a long-distance relationship, newly rekindled with an old boyfriend(bad idea), and so I was back and forth between different states every otherweekend. And there was so much continuity with my prioreducation that I could kind of get away with it. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot – Ilearned to love Scripture and Christology, and moved away from my flatter, Inow realized, Kantian ethics to something more genuinely Christian. But I was leading a very compartmentalizedexistence; I kept theology and philosophy in one box, and then in every otherbox lived my life however I wanted. Ireceived the sacraments at almost the bare minimum. I was learning, but I wasn’t letting anythingI learned penetrate my heart for fear of what it would require of me.

But compartmentalizing is hard and unnatural, and eventuallyI had to face up to some things. Myboyfriend had just returned from a month-long musical tour of Ireland, and heand his fiddle player wanted to go back for three-to-six months of the nextyear, and he wanted me to come with them. This proposal was not accompanied by a corresponding proposal for thecommitment level of our relationship. When I brought this up, there was a big fight, and I finally realizedafter a year and a half of studying theology with a focus in marriage andfamily that he didn’t really believe in marriage. He would probably have married me eventually,in ten years or so, but it wouldn’t have meant anything to him, and thevalidity would have been questionable at best. I broke up with him a week after Thanksgiving.

I found myself facing a blank future – I’d spent the lasttwo years becoming very entrenched in my boyfriend’s world, assuming that I wasabout to become a permanent fixture there. And in the process I’d put strain on a lot of my college friendships, Iwas more distant from my family than I’d ever been, and I hadn’t made any friends in grad school. I barely even spoke to my roommates – theydidn’t find out about the breakup for weeks. I was isolated and lonely, with no goals and nothing to look forward to. And then, all the theology that I’d beenholding at arm’s length suddenly became intensely personal to me; I saw clearlyall that I’d been running from and all that I’d messed up. I cried a lot during class that semester.

Applications for the PhD program at my school were due thesecond week of January, or thereabouts. And with nothing else on my radar, I decided I would apply. The interview process was infamously intensive,and I figured if I made it through that then I could weigh my options from theother side. I begged for letters ofrecommendation, scrounged together a CV, and wrote my essays. About a month later, I had two straight daysof interviews, with everyone from the admissions director up through the DeanEmeritus. The program adviser for theMasters asked me why I wanted a PhD; I told him it would make it easier to gettenure track positions. “We’re allreally used to responding to interview questions in a utilitarian way,” he toldme, “how one thing will get us to somewhere else. But why do you want that thing?” I thought aboutit. “It’s important to me to be able tocontinue engaging with the truth on this level,” I said. “I want to end up in aplace where my peers care about these questions and can dialogue with me.” As soon as I said it out loud, I started toreally want it for the first time. That professor sent me on my way to the DeanEmeritus. We had a charming conversationabout homeschooling, and then he got down to business, told me I’d doneexcellent work there already, and asked me why I wanted a PhD. “I know I’m going to be thinking about thesequestions for the rest of my life,” I said. “And I want to do that in acommunity.” He nodded, and said, “That’swhat my reason was when I started a PhD, too.” Now more than a bit dazed, I headed over to my last interview with theprogram adviser for the PhD. He lookedover my application, told me, “There’s no possible reason you couldn’t dothis,” and then gave me twenty-five minutes of advice on how to go aboutit. My friends who’d applied with me haddescribed getting grilled – but I only felt encouraged. These people had confidence in me. I cried on the metro platform going homebecause I was so overwhelmed. I’dknocked, and the door had been opened wide. In a way, the PhD program was given to me, as a surprise, and then Ilearned to want it. By the time I got myofficial acceptance

So, for me the reasons for doing the PhD have always beencomplicated – it’s something I want for its own sake, just because I care aboutthe truth and am lucky enough to get to spend time with it, and also somethingI want for extrinsic reasons. Those havechanged over the years, somewhat – I would still like to be a professor, but Ialso wouldn’t mind going home to work for my bishop, and if I get married andhave kids that would be more than enough for me: I’ll write the occasional articleand maybe finish a book or two, and teach religion at the homeschool co-op, butmost importantly I’ll live the truth that I’ve received. That’s the beautiful thing about theology(and philosophy) – you can’t help butuse your degree. And behind and aroundboth of those reasons is the only real one: this is where I was led. There was never another choice that wouldn’thave felt like Jonah fleeing Ninevah. I’mstruggling, all the time, but I get indications every now and then that this isstill where I’m meant to be. I have noidea where the path I’m on is going to take me, but I can see how it got mehere, and I trust that God will continue to lead me.

#asks #me? including too much personal information in a tumblr post?#it's more likely than you think

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chronicallypainful · 6 years

Text

Tips for students who have difficulty with handwriting

This includes students who can't write it all, students who can write but have difficulty writing neatly enough for others to read, students for whom handwriting is painful or fatiguing, and probably some other people as well. Remember that disability is almost never a binary thing; it's totally valid to need help with tasks that involve handwriting even if you technically can write some.

These tips are aimed mainly at undergraduate students in the US, though high school students and graduate students may also find some of them useful, as may some people in other parts of the world.

These tips come primarily from my own experiences completing an undergraduate degree in math with a very limited ability to write. Remember that everyone's body and experiences are different. You should consider these tips just as some suggestions or a starting place towards finding what works for you.

Get registered with the disability services office on your campus. If you are struggling to write, then you have a disability. It doesn't really matter what the underlying reason is, as long as you can get a doctor to write a letter for you stating your challenges and limitations.

Depending on your school, disability services may be great or they may be useless. If they're great, take advantage. If not, being registered with the office still give you official standing to go talk to your instructors about what you need.

Talk to your professors/TAs/other instructors at the beginning of each semester. I've written a general guide on how to do this, an email template for a meeting request, and some thoughts on communicating chronic pain in particular. (Note: you don’t have to share the particulars of your disability if you don’t want to! I have generally been pretty open about mine, so that’s what I can give better advice about. But you should, of course, make your own decisions!)

Stay in communication with your instructors throughout the semester. It's always good practice to remind your instructors about your accommodations before any test/exam/field trip/other event where you need accommodations.

And of course, ask for help in the course if you need it. Go to office hours. If your professor knows that you are an actual person, they are far more likely to be willing to work with you.

Set boundaries. Especially if you have some ability to write, you may be tempted to try to do more writing than your body can handle. This might be because other people are pressuring you to be "normal," because you are pressuring yourself to be "normal", because it is a hassle to deal with getting appropriate accommodations in your classes, because you are embarrassed to ask for help, etc. For this reason, it is really important to know your own boundaries before you enter the classroom. For example:

"I will sign documents, but that's all the writing I'm going to do."

"I will handwrite things like homework, when I can set my own pace and use the right tools for me, but I will not try to handwrite anything in a classroom with time constraints."

"I will stop writing when the pain level in my hands reaches a 5 on a 10 point pain scale."

"I will complete multiple-choice tests and quizzes/exams requiring one or two word answers, but I won't write anything longer than that."

Get your accommodations in order. Exactly what accommodations will work for each person is of course a very individual thing, but here are some that you might consider/discuss with your disability services counselor:

a notetaker in your classes (usually just a peer who give you a copy of their notes after class),

using assistive technology (some examples below) for in class assignments/quizzes/exams,

working with a scribe for tests and exams,

working with a scribe for handwritten homework,

flexibility on assignment deadlines (when handwriting would be required in any part of the process of completing the assignment),

extra time for quizzes and exams (either because your handwriting is slow or because you are using assistive technology that is slower than handwriting),

unlimited untimed breaks during tests and exams (if you struggle with pain or fatigue, this gives you an opportunity to rest, stretch out your muscles, etc.).

Consider assistive technology. These are tools that you can use in class, on your homework, and/or on tests and exams. The possibilities vary from low-tech and simple to more high-tech and expensive. If you have access, an occupational therapist or assistive technology specialist can help you find good options for you.

Here are some things to consider to make any writing you choose to do easier:

grips for your pencils/pens (there are lots and lots of these, and you can even use hair curlers),

a slant board to better position your paper,

using a different writing instrument (soft leaded artists' pencils, felt tip pens, markers, gel ballpoint pens have been helpful for me),

using an electric eraser if you write in pencil and need to erase often,

using some tool to keep your paper from sliding (e.g. a clipboard, slant board with a clip, Dycem on your desk underneath notebook/clipboard, using weights on your paper),

writing on a chalkboard or whiteboard instead of paper,

physical supports for your forearm (e.g. this, or diy something)

a tool that helps hold the pencil/pen for you (e.g. this or this or this).

And some assistive technology to consider as a replacement for handwriting (used all the time or just sometimes depending on your needs):

typing your work instead of writing by hand (perhaps with an ergonomic or otherwise alternative keyboard),

speech to text software (Windows now includes this in the OS, so all you have to do is buy a headset),

an eye gaze keyboard (this technology has come down and cost a lot in the past couple years, check out OptiKey if you are interested).

If you get into a tough position where you aren't sure how to complete an assignment with your disability-related limitations, ask for help! Generally speaking, it's best to start with your professor or TA, though of course the disability services office may also be able to help. (The details will depend a lot on the people involved, so use your own best judgment.) Be clear when you're talking to these people that you're looking for help solving a problem, not asking to be excused from a course requirement.

Sometimes the standard accommodations that your school is willing/able to provide won't work for you. This could be because the accommodations are simply inadequate, because a particular course or field of study has challenges that the disability services office does not understand/did not anticipate, because you have many limitations due to multiple illnesses or disabilities, or for many other reasons. In this case, you have to get creative and enlist help from your allies. I can't give you a formula for this, but I will share some of the more unusual accommodations that I have received at various times. Perhaps they will give you some ideas.

For a few of my math courses, I obtained permission from the instructor to turn in a joint homework assignment with a peer. I think this request was approved largely because I had been a student in the math department for a few years, the professors knew both me and the other student, and we were both very strong students who had a genuine desire to learn the material.

For many math courses, I completed my homework assignments by working the problems on my own (or with peers when allowed) and taking very succinct to notes for myself. I then had a scheduled time each week to meet with the professor and explain my solutions.

I've taken lots and lots of oral exams, especially in math.

I have submitted tape-recorded "essays" on exams in humanities courses.

For short quizzes, I have met with the instructor or TA 10 minutes before the start of class to take the quiz orally.

#spoonie student #disability #spoonie #school

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woildismyerster · 6 years

Note

Hi i know ive asked this before but you might not have seen it so i was wondrring if you could do a crutchie x reader were crutchie is a hufflepuff and the reader is a badass ravenclaw. I would really appreciate it if you u did luv ya 👋

Yeah, I saw it! I was on vacation for a week, and I always have at least 20 requests in my ask box, so I just didn’t get to it before you started worrying.

Madame Pomfrey sighed when you entered the Hospital Wing on a stretcher. “Again?”

“I had an idea,” you mumbled.

“A stupid one,” she said, eying the boils on your hands. She poked one; it opened up, a smelly blue liquid spilling out. “What did you do?”

“I had this idea in Potions - if I could find a way to make the body expel the smoke from a Pepperup Potion some other way -”

“More experimentation,” Pomfrey said. She saw a lot more of you than she wanted to. You had joked once that she should thank you; it must be nice to have interesting cases instead of basic healing, right?

She was not amused.

“Mr. Morris?” She shouted the name over her shoulder, jotting something down on her clipboard.

Crutchie, a Hufflepuff in your year, came out from behind a screen in the back of the hall of beds. He grinned at you for a second, but it dropped when he saw your hands. “Merlin, Y/N.”

“Merlin had nothing to do with this,” Pomfrey said with a sigh. “Here’s what I need you to do -”

She walked him through the steps. You listened carefully, but startled when you realized that she was putting Crutchie in charge of fixing you up. It wasn’t that you didn’t think he could; you had never realized that Pomfrey was the sort to delegate.

Crutchie turned to you, wand out. He shot you an apologetic smile. “I’m going to have to pop them.”

“Let’s get this over with.” You watched him poke the first. His eyebrows shot up when the blue billowed out. He said nothing, though he performed the Bubble-Head charm on the two of you to block out the smell.

“Did you do this, or did somebody do this to you?” His voice was warped by the bubble, but easily understood.

“Myself,” you said. “Potions.”

He laughed. “That’s, what, the third time this month?”

“How’d you know that?”

“Pomfrey offered me an internship,” he said with a hint of pride. “I’ve been on paperwork for a few weeks, but she’s ready to put me on the floor.”

“That’s awesome.” Really, it was impressive. “Maybe you could show me how to -”

“No.” When you startled, he gave you a sheepish grin. “Sorry, Y/N. I’ve been given specific instructions not to enable you.”

“From Pomfrey?”

“And McGonagall. Flitwick. Dumbledore owled me.”

You laughed, surprised. “That’s ridiculous. It isn’t enabling me to show me how to -”

He poked anther boil, giving you a pointed look when it bubbled over. “Really? It isn’t enabling you if I give you the ability to clean up your own messes? You can honestly tell me that you wouldn’t make more messes?”

You mumbled something about messes being a subjective term, and he laughed.

You watched him work, curiosity winning out over disgust. In the back of your mind, it occurred to you that this was not the way you would normally want a boy to see you. Crutchie was too kind to make his disgust obvious, but you couldn’t imagine him looking at you now without remembering this. At the forefront of your mind, you thought about alternative ways to get rid of the smoke. Boils were not ideal.

Crutchie had come to the Ravenclaw table to grab a bit of toast, and he had stayed to talk to you.

“Have you ever had Hagrid in the Hospital Wing?” You slathered jam over your toast, trying to keep it from clumping in one spot. “I feel like he’s gotten himself in trouble before.”

“Pomfrey usually goes to him,” Crutchie said. “I don’t think he wants anybody to hear about what he’s doing down there.”

“What’s he doing?”

Crutchie looked around quickly, clearly wanting to keep others from hearing. “I don’t know, but he gets an awful lot of burns. Stings, sometimes. I heard her say once that Hagrid makes things.”

You felt yourself go starry eyed, but you couldn’t stop the excitement at the thought of it. “Creatures? He breeds his own creatures?”

“Y/N,” Crutchie said. His eyes narrowed. “No.”

“I should go down there.” You were talking more to yourself now, imagining combinations of creatures that may be compatible. “Maybe I could help. It isn’t illegal for me to do magic, after all, so maybe -”

Crutchie put a hand on your shoulder. “No. Don’t. I’m pretty sure that you’ve gotten enough detentions to get kicked out of school already. If you do something overtly against the rules, you’re toast.”

“Is that a pun?” Without pausing to get an answer, you shoved your breakfast in your mouth. “Nevermind. I’m going down there. If I get hurt, can I come to you directly? Don’t want to get caught, now.”

He groaned. “I never should have told you.”

“You’re wonderful,” you grinned. “I knew being your friend would make life more fun.”

“We’re friends?”

You paused, bag dangling from one hand. “Of course we are. You’re my partner in crime, now. It’s unavoidable.”

You dashed out of the Great Hall, hoping Hagrid would show you whatever he was hiding in the hut. As you left, you heard Crutchie muttering about making a mistake. When you peeked over your shoulder while pushing the door open, you saw a slight blush coloring his cheeks.

“You really don’t want to be my partner,” you told Crutchie.

“I think I do,” he said.

“I get dreadful marks,” you said.

“You’re brilliant,” he scoffed. “Ravenclaw, through and through.”

He was right about that, but not in the way he thought. You did love to learn. Sometimes it felt like there was nothing human in you, just pulsing curiosity. It seemed as though if you weren’t careful, you would lose yourself in questions about how magic worked, and how you could improve it.

“It doesn’t translate into my homework,” you said. Why did he want to be your partner in NEWT level Charms? He surely wanted to do well, and you were not the way to get there.

“It does in mine,” he said confidently. “Between the two of us, we’re bound to do something smashing.”

“I’m very good at smashing,” you quipped, “but not in a good way.”

When he laughed, you knew you would have to give in. The fact that Crutchie wanted to be near you, even knowing how unpredictable your work was, was a magic that you did not understand.

“I have a very personal question,” you said. “It really isn’t any of my business, but I’d like to ask it anyway.”

Crutchie looked up at you over the bottle of Skele-Gro. You were sipping at a cup of it, avoiding his eyes. “Okay, shoot.”

“I just - you’re a really good Healer.”

“That isn’t a question,” he said, “but thanks.”

“And there are other very talented Healers,” you said. You grimaced when your right foot started to tingle again. It was at times like this that you regretted testing new spells on yourself. Maybe you should try to be more certain it would work, first. In a way, it had. You had been aiming for invisibility, and the bones in your foot were certainly gone. You had figured out the Pepperup Potion, so maybe this would be within reach, too.

“I’m not sure that you know what a question is, Y/N.”

“Why haven’t you healed your leg? Why didn’t somebody else heal your leg?” The questions made your chest ache. You wanted to know the answer; it had been eating at you since you met him first year. You usually weren’t great at knowing the boundaries of knowledge, but even you knew that you shouldn’t ask. Now that the two of you were friends, you just thought that maybe it would be okay.

“Ah,” Crutchie said. He studiously looked at the label of the Potion. “That.”

“You don’t have to answer -”

“This was as good as it got,” he said. “Kids can’t control their own magic, not at first. Sometimes it acts outside the person, but sometimes it acts inside.”

You felt sick. “You?”

“Me,” he agreed. “I was young, Y/N. Young and alone. The Healers weren’t really sure what I did, but my leg was ruined when I got to St. Mungos. A curse, maybe, or just some thoroughly destructive magic. They put it back together as well as they could, but the body is - it’s intricate.”

“So this is your healed leg,” you said. “This was the best they could do.”

“Yep.” His voice was light, and you couldn’t tell if he was upset that you asked. He nodded at his cane, leaning against the bed. “It’s not so bad. Some wizards magic their canes and staffs. I’ve got some serious potential with mine.”

“You could put your wand in it,” you said thoughtfully. “Hiding in plain sight.”

He grinned. “Now we’re talking.”

You didn’t bring up his leg again, though you did draw up plans for a cane to beat all others.

Crutchie beamed at the ‘O’ on the top of the Charms assignment. “And here you thought we’d make a dreadful team.”

You shrugged. “I kept it together for you.”

“Self control,” he said. “Who knew you had any?”

“I certainly didn’t.” You grinned back at him. The both of you knew that you got good marks on many things; it wasn’t surprising that you did well when you put your mind to it. “You’re making an honest Ravenclaw out of me, Crutch.”

“Hopefully not too honest. Wouldn’t want things to get boring.”

You laughed when he elbowed you. “Definitely not. I practically give the Hospital Wing a purpose, all on my own.”

“You keep it lively,” he agreed. “I would probably die of boredom if you stopped coming.”

He left for Transfiguration, leaving you with a dopey smile. It was the Hufflepuff in him, you told yourself. He just knew how to rub you the right way. He probably said the same things to everybody, and he probably meant them every time.

You did not shape up for everybody, though, which seemed like a more pressing thing to consider.

When you walked into the Hospital Wing, Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen. That was good. She would have made this awkward. When you got up in the morning, it had been with the certainty that you were ready to put yourself out on a limb. If you were willing to risk physical pain - even death, occasionally - you ought to be able to risk emotional hurt. “Crutchie? You here?”

His head popped out from behind a curtain. “Y/N, again?” He walked out, eyes narrowing when he didn’t see an immediate ailment. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” you said. “Well, nothing physical. I just needed to talk to you about something.”

He ran a hand through his hair, delight and duty warring on his face. “I shouldn’t - I’m working.”

“It’ll only take a second,” you promised. “Just a second, I swear.”

“Alright. What’s the matter?”

“I really like you,” you said. Straight to the point, as you were with everything else. “I fancy you something fierce, really. I thought you deserved to know.” Having said your piece, you turned to go. You wanted to know the answer to the question you hadn’t quite asked, but you thought you would give him time to come up with it.

“Wait.” Crutchie sounded like he was near laughing. “Aren’t you going to let me talk?”

“If you want,” you said, surprised. “Do you have something to say?”

“Just that I like you,” he said. He was beaming. “If you wanted to go to Hogsmeade for the next trip, that’d be great.”

“Amazing.” A slow, massive grin swept over your face. He liked you. He knew that you were a walking landmine, and that you liked being that way, and he still wanted to be in the blast zone. “I absolutely want that.”

“Y/N?” You had turned to go again, but Crutchie had taken on a playful tone. “Let’s try for something uneventful.”

“We can try.”

“I’ll bring a first aid kit, just in case,” he added.

You laughed. “That’s wise. I’m sort of a disaster.”

“But a wonderful one,” he said. He was practically glowing. “The best sort.”

You could work with that. A wonderful disaster. A disaster with a wonderful boy who didn’t mind cleaning up the wreckage.

#Newsies #newsies fanfiction #newsies x reader #crutchie #crutchie x reader #crutchie morris #hogwarts AU #Ally writes

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betsynagler · 5 years

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Critical Thinking is Hard

I’m lucky: I grew up in a family where thinking was encouraged. My parents treated me and my brother like we were brilliant, which makes you want to be brilliant, and come up with your own ideas. They liked to talk about stuff, and, while they definitely treated us like kids, they also didn’t really shelter us too much. My mother was always ruining TV shows for me by pointing out the sexist moments in television, from reruns of The Brady Bunch and Star Trek, to Charlie’s Angels, Three’s Company and, well, it was the 70s and 80s, so pretty much all TV shows. But they still let us watch them, as well as R-rated movies which may not have been age-appropriate, and while they told us not to smoke pot, when we found out that they smoked pot, they gave us reasons for why it was okay for them and not us (since they “weren’t going to have any more children,” which seemed to make sense at the time). Another thing they did was encourage us to take responsibility for our own decisions from a fairly young age, which meant that you could stay up until 10 or 11 pm on a school night if you really wanted to, but it’d be your fault when you felt like shit all the next day. One can debate the pros and cons of this method of child-rearing (pro: de-mystifying drug use and other taboo behaviors to the degree that they actually start to seem uncool; encouraging kids to develop strong ethical compass and think through their actions; con: kids are even more weird compared to their peers, and precociously develop anxiety and guilt about their own actions). Nevertheless, it did start me on the road to learning the value of thinking for myself.

I didn’t really come into my own as a critical thinker until junior high, however, when I spent two years in a program for gifted students. First, isolation from my peers at a time when I was supposed to be learning the social skills of adulthood and the bullying that naturally flowed from that taught me to look for other people’s faults as a means of self-defense. That made me critical, if not necessarily thoughtful. But then I also had two years of Mr. Snyder teaching me social studies. Many of us in the gifted program had all of the same teachers for all of our academic subjects two years running. This meant that we got to know those teachers really well, and, in the case of Mr. Snyder, came to greatly admire and be shaped by his worldview. Mr. Snyder wasn’t an obvious candidate for intellectual guru to early adolescents. He wasn’t particularly handsome, and he’d had polio as a child and walked with a prominent limp. But he was funny and charismatic, gave terrific lectures that were like brilliant comedy monologues or TED talks, and knew how to make his students feel smart and special — in part because we had made it into his class, but still. We liked him so much that several of us would get to class early every day so that we could draw cartoons of him on the blackboard with clever word bubble-jokes, and he loved that. Too see him come into the room and look at our clever depictions of him and smile and make jokes right back at us, to feel appreciated for our intelligence and creativity, a sensation could be hard to come by as a suburban New Jersey youngster, was wonderful. The class was a mutual admiration society and a bit of a cult of personality that I think hugely affected all of us who took it.

I learned a lot there, as we studied political systems, geography and the history of the ancient world, among other things. We were assigned projects that were unlike anything you’d typically get in junior high or even high school, a combination of fun, self-driven exploration, and out-of-control amounts of work. We had to make a map of the world that included every single country, city, major mountain range and body of water, using color-coded overlays — something that I would have enjoyed, and sort of did, except that, since I was in 7th grade, I was terrible at judging how long it would take and left it until the last minute, and had to repeatedly re-letter the smudged plastic to make it readable in my 12-year-old handwriting. The following year, when we did separate units on Greece and Rome, we had to either fill in an entire outline that he provided with a paragraph or more on every subject, or do a handful of more creative projects designed to help us probe the topics in more interesting detail. After choosing to do the outline for Greece, thinking it would be easier, and ending up with several pounds of handwritten paper (I could not type) on everything from Sparta to Socrates to Doric columns that was probably 75+ pages long, Mr. Snyder had stared at the pile and admitted to me that he hadn’t really expected anyone to choose that option, that he’d made the outline so absurdly long to encourage people to do the creative projects. I probably got an A more because he didn’t want to read the whole damn thing than anything else, and on Rome, I did the projects, like going to a Roman-Catholic service and writing about it — which I did by interviewing my Catholic friend, Tara, instead of actually going to the service myself — or going to the Met to observe and then expound upon the differences one observed between the Greek and Roman statues — which I did after 15 minutes of taking furious notes on a Sunday when we arrived just as they were getting ready to close. Just because I loved Mr. Snyder didn’t mean that I, like any other kid, wasn’t always trying to get out of doing homework in any way I could.

The thing I learned and remember best, however, was not the facts, but the method. We had a class about political and economic systems — communism, socialism, capitalism, authoritarianism — and the first thing Mr. Snyder did was define these terms for us, explaining that they weren’t what we’d been told they were. Specifically, “communism,” the way it was looked at in the budding Reagan Era of the early 1980s, wasn’t actually communism at all. Real communism was an economic system that someone named Karl Marx had come up with, in which everyone owned everything, nobody was rich or poor or more powerful than anyone else, and that was, in fact, kind of the opposite of what the Soviet Union had become. This somewhat blew my mind. Here was the boogeyman that everyone talked about as the great evil threatening us with destruction — and remember, in the world of an American kid who had trouble sleeping at night because she obsessed with how we were one button push away from nuclear war, that meant genuine annihilation — and it wasn’t even what it really was. How was this possible? How was everything that we saw on TV and in the newspapers and at the movies just plain wrong? It turned out that, once you delved into it, the evolution of the term “communism” in the popular vernacular was an education in how concepts entered the public consciousness and then were propagated endlessly in the echo chamber of the media and society until they became something else entirely, usually in the service of some political or social end. Sound familiar? It wasn’t the same then as it is now that we have the Wild West known as the Internet, in some ways it was easier to get an entire culture to basically think one incorrect thing rather than many insane things, but the ability to miseducate a huge swath a people without their questioning it? Yes, that existed, and understanding that was a very big deal to me. It meant that you always had to look deeper than the surface of things to be sure you understood the reality, even when it came to what those things were called.

Why doesn’t everyone get taught to think this way? Well, like most things in life, it gets increasingly harder to learn as you get older. The more set in our ways we get, the tougher it becomes to look at ourselves critically (which is essential to critical thinking, because to truly get that you must dissect and assess the viability of ideas, you have to start with your own assumptions), much less change the way our brains function in terms of adopting new ways of doing anything that’s really embedded in there, much less ways of doing everything, which is kind what it means to change the way you think. Plus, it’s in the best interest of those in power to keep the bulk of the human race from doing it. It’s tough to build an army of people who don’t automatically follow orders, or have a religion made up of people who are always questioning the word of God, or build a movement if the followers are continually asking the leaders, “Is that really true?” And so we’ve arrived at this situation where we have so much information out there now to make sense out of, and the bulk of us without the tools to figure out how to do that — and many who reject those tools because they’re told education is just liberal elite brainwashing. Instead, you see a lot of people turn to a kind of twisted, easy version of “critical” “thinking” espoused on the fringes of the left and right, which disposes with the thinking part and instead just espouses wholesale rejection of anything dubbed “establishment” or “mainstream,” no matter how awful the alternative may be (and at this point we know: it’s pretty awful). Add to that the folks who skillfully exploit the overwhelm of information and lack of analytical skills to support their own greed, lust for power and desire to win at all cost, and you end up with an awesome new and different kind of embedded orthodoxy, that encourages us to silo ourselves within “our” (really their) belief systems, walled in with “alternative facts” and media that support them, and defending it all tooth and nail with false equivalencies that encourage us not to critique thoughtfully based on evidence, but to to pick apart every idea that doesn’t fit or even makes us uncomfortable (“Well, every politician lies” was one of the most egregious ones I heard used recently to defend the president).

And, when it comes right down to it, can you blame people? Thinking is exhausting, especially in this environment, and even human beings with the best intentions manage to ruin everything good anyway. Like, even though my parents didn’t make us believe their ideas, of course they still managed to inculcate in us their most mundane opinions. My father was particularly good at doing this, particularly when it came to eating (yup, Jews), like how fast food and chain restaurants should be avoided not based on nutrition but on lack of flavor (which I guess is why we still ate at White Castle), or how chocolate was really the only kind of acceptable dessert. It’s amazing that, no matter how far I’ve come as an adult, I still find it really hard to shake these ideas — like I saw a conversation on Facebook about how pie was superior to cake, and I just thought, Huh? But there aren’t any good chocolate pies. Another case in point: by the time I was a senior, Mr. Snyder had moved up to the high school, and was teaching an AP history class that I had the option to take. I decided to take economics instead, because I had never studied it, because one of my best friends was taking it, and, on some level I’m sure, to show that I didn’t need the wisdom of this idol of my 7th and 8th grade self, now that I was all of 16. I heard from people who took Snyder’s class that in his first opening monologue of the year he mocked those of his former students who had decided not to take his class — which I think might have just been me. That wasn’t really an appropriate thing for a teacher to do, especially since I was kind of doing what he’d taught us: to move on, do my own thinking and evaluate him critically. But as a human being, it’s hard to be a charismatic leader and just let that go — which is why the world has so many despots, and celebrities, and despotic celebrities. On other hand, my economics class was a terrible waste of time because it turned out that I didn’t like economics and the teacher was boring, so perhaps my premature rejection of Mr. Snyder and my 8th grade way of thinking, just to prove that I could do it, hadn’t been the best decision either. It’s hard not to wonder if I’d be just a slightly better, smarter person today if I’d accepted one more opportunity to take his class.

I’ll never know, but I guess the fact that I’m telling you this story means I haven’t given up on critical thinking. Maybe it’s because self-flagellating comes naturally to me, but these days, more than ever, I try to employ those skills as much as I can, even as it grows increasingly fucking hard. On top of all that media landscape stuff I mentioned a few paragraphs back, I also have this stupid menopause business I mentioned in my last blog post, which just amplifies all of the emotion that drives me as a human to err on the side of insanity, as if there weren’t already enough bad news, and bad “news,” out there driving a person in that direction. There are so many bad actors with so many tools that can be used to manipulate our fear and greed and lust into steamrolling our thinking these days, and all we have to fight back are these little broken piles of poop in our heads. And yet, we all do have them, aka brains, and so we have the ability to use them. And as one of those cynical-on-top-but-at-bottom-idealistic folks who believes we all also have the capacity to change, no matter how hard it might seem, until the day we die, I think we all have the ability to learn how to use them better. And yes, that means you, and your friends, and your kids, and even your cousins in Florida maybe, if we all just try a little harder.

I’m not sure what Mr. Snyder would say about me now, as I try to get people to think about stuff with this blog that almost nobody reads, but considering how many years he spent trying to teach adolescents about Platonic ideals, I’d imagine he’d approve. So in honor of him, and any teacher you’ve had who inspired you to think more, and more better, let’s advocate in 2019 not just for “our values,” but for the value of intelligent thought, even if we have to do it one mind at a time.

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illumous · 6 years

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IB ➞ Art school???

I’ve gotten some PMs with questions about taking the IB Programme in high school and how it’s now affecting me in art school now so I thought I would finally do a Post(TM) about it. Again, everything I’m about to talk about is based on my personal experience but please feel free to talk with me if you have any concerns about this post. I want to put myself out there and help others if I can since I had so much support getting to where I am now. If you have any other questions about art college or the likes, please feel free to shoot them my way 💘

WHAT IS IB?

The International Baccalaureate Programme (aka. IB) is a “fast paced” program for middle and high school students that’s supposed to promote students to think independently and critically. At my school, there was a set courselist, with one or two elective choices. Some courses were Standard Level (SL) and some were Higher Level (HL), which certain post secondary schools allow to swap out for first year credits. IB is different in different schools and different countries though, but overall, It’s meant to be an alternative and more challenging high school experience.

IB + ME:

I can’t say I had the most positive time in IB or anything since I was also REALLY struggling with mental health at the time and had hated every moment I was in high school. But upon reflection, there really were things to be gained from the experience. Pros and Cons.

I was in full IB until second semester grade 10. At that point, I was already thinking about studying art after high school, but was afraid to commit to it entirely because there was so much pressure from my parents and peers to go into a “respectable” career and get a “high paying job in science or math or business” or something. So I dropped to partial IB as a compromise and took IB math, Art and HL English, as well as regular Ontario Uni level Physics, Bio, CompSci, etc etc etc.

DO YOU USE ANY OF THE STUFF YOU LEARNED IN IB CLASSES IN ART SCHOOL?

No.

I have an official credit for Grade 12 Advanced Functions but the most math I do now is occasionally multiplying by 12. Could I solve a quadratic equation now? Don’t even know what that is anymore.

BUT! You never know what could inspire you. I was so interested in quantum physics, I’m literally writing a story about parallel universes. Learning is almost always good.

LET’S TALK ABOUT IB ART FOR ONE HOT SECOND:

I did find IB Art incredibly applicable and helpful because it taught me how to keep a sketchbook and understand the creative process, neither of which you actually directly get graded on in the animation program at Sheridan but is personally tremendously beneficial for developing ideas and creating pieces. Now I draw thumbnails for everything I do. And I appreciate them!

Even if you walk away from IB Art with the most garbage collection - no sweat, it’s only high school and it’s learning the process of creating art that is so so important! When I applied for Sheridan Illustration (the same year I was accepted into Sheridan Animation), I basically repeated a simplified version of the IB Art process and was accepted into the program with a portfolio score of 80, with 9/10s in Process/Ideation, Media Exploration and Sketchbook, which you REALLY focus heavily on in IB Art.

I would highly recommend taking IB Art if you are thinking about doing art after high school, or doing art in general.

BEING AN ART STUDENT IN IB:

I hate that Art Kids(TM) have a bad rep. People always assume that art is a dead end career and we all starve and we’re all morally questionable people but that’s not true at all!

But being that Token Art Kid in IB (outside of IB Art class) actually made me feel awful back then. I was always kind of an odd one out. That’s not to say that people weren’t nice or anything. But there was so much pressure to not go into art. Ever since I was a kid, I’d always wanted to be an “artist when I grow up” but I found that in high school, I’d often say that I was “interested in art but was also thinking of pursuing an alternative career in this and that” because I was afraid of being looked down on in an environment where everyone around me wanted to do something “brainy”. Admitting that I wanted to do art almost felt self depreciating because everyone else was actually going to get a “real job” and live “better lives”. But that’s totally not the case! I ended up spending a lot of time taking a bunch of science and math courses I didn’t really like to maintain my twenty thousand irrelevant Back-Up Plans.

IB AND LEARNING SKILLS:

I think no matter what you do, having good organization and time management skills is always going to be so so important!

Sheridan Animation is such a loaded program, you really have to try to schedule your time well. I used to complain about the IB courseload but I honestly feel like Sheridan Animation is so much more laborious. We had 8 courses + an elective last semester, each about 2 to 3 hours a week, plus all the time you had to put into doing homework and living life and sleeping.

Even though IB is meant to keep you busy to force you to learn good work ethics, I don’t think forcing someone to work harder necessarily means that they are going to learn how to manage their time. I was 100% unmotivated and depressed and self destructive in high school. I was in IB for four years but I always studied the night before an exam up until the very last one. And when I graduated and moved out, I realized that I was a mess and I had to change, and it was that self realization was what motivated me to learn how to slowly put together my life back together. Only then did I start taking steps to curate my life and learn how to plan ahead and schedule my week and get! stuff! done!

So all in all, maybe IB does put you in an environment where having good learning skills will benefit you, and maybe that will motivate you to learn how to maintain a good work ethic. But I really do think skills like how to study and learn and live life is something that you have to be aware of as an individual and want to work towards. Being in IB may help with those things, but it isn’t going to suddenly grant you powers to study two weeks in advance and keep track of all your assignments in a way that works for you. You have to learn to do that yourself.

HL CREDITS (AT SHERIDAN):

Not all schools acknowledge HL credits. Sheridan claims to. I know people in Sheridan Animation who have used their HL credits at other universities before coming to our school but I’ve never spoken to anyone at Sheridan who has used them in a Sheridan program.

This is lowkey a call out post @ Sheridan, but I have tried applying for advanced standing with my IB HL credit to replace my electives twice, but neither time went through. They claimed to not have the proper paperwork, and when I paid for IB to send my transcript to Sheridan, it was never found (despite there being a confirmation email from IB that it had been sent to the right place) so I was unable to get it processed due to a lack of paperwork. And when I tried to follow up through email, I was ignored.

(If you have successfully gotten your HL credit request to go through at Sheridan, please PM me and tell me how :’^))

I do know for a fact that even if you could, in theory, replace some electives at Sheridan with your HL credits and as long as you still had enough courses a semester to consider you a full time student, you would still pay the same amount of tuition. You would just be less busy.

SHOULD I TAKE IB THEN?

Honestly, it’s up to you and your own life!

I know I rambled on for so long only to give the most passive and watery advice but I think you should do what you believe is best for you! Just be aware that whatever you choose is going to lead you to a different future and all your actions will have consequences (good or bad or either) and be okay with that.

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t do IB so I could have more free time to draw. Maybe if I drew more in high school, I would have gotten into Sheridan Animation a year earlier. But if I did that, I wouldn’t have learned how to paint in Art Fundies and have the friends I do now and live with people I love. Everything I’ve ever done up to this point has brought me here and I wouldn’t change a thing about the past so all I can do is work on making my future, you know :))

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Good luck!

#sheridan help #sheridan animation #ib program #ib #art school #high school advice #ib advice #block text #long post

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nollid · 3 years

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ENG 347 Blog Post #2 Dillon Rowe

1. Explore Elizabeth Acevedo’s online presence across social media and various literary communities. Briefly discuss something you find about her or her work that allows you to approach and/or frame your reading of The Poet X in a new or deeper way. Some places to start: Her official website, twitter account, Instagram account, interviews with NPR, other lit journals/websites, etc.

I chose to search/examine Elizabeth Acevedo’s online presence on YouTube, and in my search discovered that The Poet X was heavily influenced by Acevedo’s own personal life and poetry. In her video with the YouTube channel ‘Epic Reads’, Acevedo mentions that she pulled poems from some of her own journals, particularly one from her junior year of high school. She described this process as being a “collaboration with my younger self” which I find so interesting and cool (Epic Reads).

In another interview with PBS NewsHour, Elizabeth also described herself as being a “spare writer” (which is a term I had never heard before), and that the first draft of The Poet X was only 20,000 words before adding another 15,000 in revision. She also states that the process of writing The Poet X early on was to tell herself the story and sort the holes out from there. The last thing I want to highlight that I found (also from the PBS NewsHour interview) is that in her words, “The emotional truths of the story are my own”. With this bit of information in mind, I feel like I am going to pick The Poet X back up with a newfound level of love and respect for Xiomara as I know now that, as Elizabeth states, “The heart of [the story]” is autobiographical, although many of the plot points are not (Acevedo clarified that she didn’t get in trouble, and she wasn’t shy, unlike Xiomara) (PBS NewsHour).

2. The Poet X tackles Xiomara’s questions regarding religion, her struggle to be at home in a body that is often perceived in ways she can’t control, and her intense relationship with her mother. Discuss a particular quote/page/poem that particularly that you believe has the potential to resonate with adolescent readers who are going through similar struggles to Xiomara. (Keep in mind our guiding question: What could this text do for adolescent readers?)

The poem I selected from The Poet X that resonated with me (and that I think will resonate with adolescent readers) is “Ms. Galiano” from page 39 (this page may be different for you—I’m reading from a digital copy). The reason I chose this poem is because I think that all adolescents can or will relate to the feeling of being told “Oh you got THAT teacher?! They’re so strict or so uptight or assign so much work.”—especially in middle school and high school, which is around the grade level I imagine many The Poet X readers are. For me that teacher was my seventh-grade social studies teacher who, my sister described as being “wicked”. And not in the good connotation. But from day one, that teacher ended up being the exact opposite. In fact, that teacher my sister described as “wicked” ended up being one of my absolute all time favorite teachers. Was she strict? I guess, but she was doing her job and was trying to teach us—a bunch of punk ass tweens—a thing or two. Did she assign a lot of homework? Again, I guess, but I learned a LOT in that class that I can still recall today. And above else, did she care about her students? Absolutely. I used to test in alternate locations to minimize distractions, and I hadn’t studied for this particular geography test. She came to check on me and saw that I was distraught and was so keen on making sure that I was OK that she let me retest at a later date. And I know she would’ve done the same for any of her students!

What this long winded anecdote is meant to suggest though is that I think we all had that one teacher. That teacher everyone says to be afraid of, but who turns out to be a genuinely amazing teacher, facilitator, and above all else, person. I think that adolescents reading The Poet X will find that, when they get to the poem “Ms. Galiano”, that a teacher of theirs comes to mind. I also think that adolescents who lack an authoritative, adult figure who loves and cares about them unconditionally, will resonate with the fact that, as Xiomara states, “… although it’s the first week of school, / and teachers always fake the funk the first week, / I have a feeling Ms. Galiano / actually wants to know my answer.” What this short excerpt exemplifies is that, in spite of what others have to say about this teacher, she genuinely cares about her students and what they have to say. I also think that adolescent may resonate with the point that Xiomara makes about Ms. Galiano being “… little… / but carries herself big… Like she’s used to shouldering her way through any assumptions made about her”. I think this is an extremely admirable trait that many adolescents will find security in—the feeling of being small, but learning to carry yourself as though you are much bigger.

3. Xiomara writes, “Late into the night I write and the pages of my notebook swell from all the words I’ve pressed onto them. It almost feels like the more I bruise the page the quicker something inside me heals.” Poetry and writing allow Xiomara to heal. When you were an adolescent, what creative outlet or passion allowed you to heal? Has this outlet changed now that you are older?

When I was an adolescent, I only had a few honest-to-goodness creative outlets. If I were upset or struggling to cope with something, I used to like listening to music while going for a walk or on a bike ride. I also played a lot of video games. As much I still like these activities, as I got older, and life threw more curve balls, my desire to find creative outlets that lend themself to more creative self-expression became much greater.

Initially it was digital art (i.e. collages in Photoshop, video editing, etc.). I had also always wanted to learn an instrument (my sister played guitar, but I’m left-handed and am no Jimi Hendrix), so I opted to learn how to make music on the computer. Initially the music I created was a complete joke. And I mean that literally—my friends and I would make instrumentals and would freestyle rap/sing about whatever came to mind. One of my friends, Connor, went as far as to do a whole album of covers. Some covers included “Locked Out of Heaven by Bruno Mars, “Let Me Love You” by Mario, and my personal favorite “Leavin’” by Jesse McCartney.

But as I got older, I realized how much I had learned about the software I was using and how I could produce more serious and meaningful instrumentals as a way of expressing myself. After my first break-up, I really began to take it seriously. Eventually I realized though that, as much as an instrumental can convey emotions, without words it’s meaning was somewhat superficial. That realization led me to where I am now, writing. Not song lyrics, but prose. Whether it’s for school or for myself, the amount of relief I find in writing is unprecedented.

Works Cited:

Epic Reads. “Epic Author Facts: Elizabeth Acevedo | The Poet X.” YouTube, uploaded by Epic Reads, 27 Mar. 2018, www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdd9b3pfA-o.

PBS NewsHour. “‘The Poet X’ Author Elizabeth Acevedo Answers Your Questions.” YouTube, uploaded by PBS NewsHour, 30 Nov. 2020, www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRrL5gSkfzY.

#ENG347 YAL

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poisonappletales · 7 years

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You all told me whose design you wanted to see first! Majority said: Arsenik of the Hulder clan.

When Ambrosia first meets him, his hair is waist-length. When they meet again, he has cut it above his shoulders...for reasons you’ll have to find out yourself.

Among the members of his clan, he’s a natural born leader, guiding the hunting parties with fluid ease and poise. He’s a mature gentleman and a deep intellect. Yet, he can never seem half as cool in front of Ambrosia nor figure out how to approach her.

Now, the question is...does his hesitation stem from a lack of confidence or some well-kept secret?

Sometimes, it feels like he’s actively trying to get you to stay away. Rumors have it that the Hulder are only gentlemen during the day...

“I don’t mind you sharing my likes and dislikes...but Miss Ambrosia isn’t seeing this, is she? I can’t help but notice that she’s mentioned twice. While it isn’t wrong, those are things I rather tell her myself. When I’m ready for it, that is.”

And now, here’s an early special for a certain day later in the month...

☆ HALLOWEEN DESCRIPTION ☆

It’s hard to miss your senior in class.

As your school’s top valedictorian, he has flawless attendance and perfect grades. Whenever he raises his hand, you know he has the right answer on his lips. Most of all, his height leaves him towering over everyone else, including the teacher.

“To be honest, I’m always hoping the teacher will assign me a seat in the back. If I’m anywhere else, I can’t help but worry that I’ll block the person behind me...it’s happened before. There’s not much else I can do but apologize. Oh, and lend my notes, which is the least I can do in that event, haha...”

He does everything with exacting precision. On his desk, he carefully arranges all his books and supplies, which always seems fully replenished the next day. There’s never a hair out of place on his head, and his locker practically shines. You might say he’s a bit of a perfectionist...

“Hm? Ah, yes, my eyesight’s only off by a few degrees. I can see the whiteboard and pass the Driver’s License Test just fine without my glasses...but a few degrees off are still a few degrees off. I would be remiss to ignore it.”

On any given day, you might find him poring over a book in the courtyard or working on his homework in the library. However, you might be surprised to learn that this bookworm...is also one of the star players on the swim team!

“After staying inside a classroom all day, it’s nice to stretch your legs and do some exercise. It’s a rewarding feeling. Not just the sport itself but the experience of being a part of the team. It’s almost like being a member of a community, a family.”

They say good men are hard to find, and indeed, it’s rare to meet an old-fashioned gentleman like him in this technological day and age. However...what happens when Arsenik takes off his glasses at night?

“...At night only? In that case, you shouldn’t merely fear what happens in the evening but the day as well. At least, that’s what logic would dictate.”

☆ Please Tutor Me, Sir Arsenik! ♡ The Halloween Special Episode ☆

“Oh? You would like me to tutor you, Miss Ambrosia?”

Surprise was more than clear in the blue eyes that peered down at me through polished lenses.

“Ah, yes...” I nodded, feeling my hands clasped together from force of habit. “Yes, I would.”

Truth be told, it was my cousin who wished for his help but...oh! Lady Rosemary was far too nervous to ask him on her own. Normally, she was of intrepid character, with a boldness that I couldn’t help but admire. However, this time was different, as she had made painstakingly clear.

“What if he turns me down?” she had cried to me. “There’s no way he’ll do it! I mean, just look at him. No, no, no, that is not a friendly face, Lady Ambrosia. That is the face of a model! Even if he does agree to tutor me, he’s going to think I’m an idiot! I can’t live with a hottie like him thinking I’m an idiot! I’ll die, Lady Ambrosia, I’ll just die!”

In the end, she asked me to approach Sir Arsenik for help without mentioning her name. If he thought poorly of my intelligence, then I could certainly live with that. However, I didn’t think he was really so condescending.

I told myself that, and yet, it was hard not to worry that I was bothering him. When I came to him in the courtyard, he had his attention fixed on a book, which he had kindly set aside once I addressed him, but as I awaited his response, I found his expression most unreadable.

“If you would help me,” I quietly added, “I would be indebted to you, Sir Arsenik.” Without thinking, I leaned forward in the formal bow that was customary of my family.

“There’s no need for that, Miss Ambrosia.” A light smile spread across his lips. “I would be happy to tutor you free of charge. It’s just that, if I’m not mistaken, your grades are already rather admirable.”

“Eh? Admirable?” I didn’t think my grades deserved any special note, but more than that, I hadn’t expected him to take notice of my performance in class.

“However, it’s true there’s always room for improvement,” he continued with a nod. “A lesson I’ve always applied myself. It would be my pleasure to offer you all that I’ve learned through my experiences.”

“Then...please teach me well, Sempai!”

“Sempai?” He tiled his head to consider the word. “Oh, that’s a Japanese term of address for an upperclassman, isn’t it?”

“Since you’ll be teaching me, I thought it was fitting. Unless you rather be called ‘Professor’ or ‘Sir Obi-Wan Kenobi’?”

He let out a low, pleasant chuckle. “I’ll answer to whichever one you choose, Miss Ambrosia. If you like, you can join me for lunch right now.”

“Ah, but I didn’t bring my homework with me. Next time, I will. I look forward to a thorough tutoring session from you then, Sempai!”

“Yes, I certainly won’t disappoint, Miss Ambrosia. Though, it isn’t necessary to bring your homework...at least, that’s what I should have clarified before she left.”

When I returned to my cousin, I thought Lady Rosemary would feel overjoyed at the happy news. Instead, her reaction was more explosive, for lack of a better description.

“He asked you to lunch with him and you turned him down?!”

“I-I didn’t turn him down, Lady Rosemary,” I said, my hands pressed against my chest. “I didn’t have my -”

“Do you realize how hard it is to get a lunch invite from him?!” With narrowed eyes, Lady Rosemary brandished a finger at me as if it were a knife. “Out of all the heartthrobs in Virgo High, Sir Arsenik is notoriously difficult to sit with. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for ladies all around the world and you blew it, Lady Ambrosia. You blew it!”

“But...I didn’t have my homework - I mean, your homework. You asked me to recruit his help for you, and I did. See? He isn’t thinking anything mean at -”

“YOU BLEW IT, LADY AMBROSIA.”

Hope you enjoyed your early Halloween treat, everyone! Next week? Chase of the Trold! Oh, and when I told him, this is what he said:

“Wait, I have to follow all that?! All right, just you watch me. I’m going to take that Hulder down!”

I probably had a little too much fun writing all that. Just as a note, this is a Halloween special, so it won’t be in the game. Consider it an AU (Alternate Universe) one-shot that’s just for fun.

Anyway, what do you think of Arsenik’s updated design? And do you think you’d enjoy having him as your senior valedictorian? (How about Ambrosia? How do you think that tutoring session’s going to go over?)

For more details behind the design, look here.

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livingbutamireally · 4 years

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AY2019/2020 Y1S1 Module Review

AY2019/2020 year 1 semester 1 review

Started school around august after orientation camp in july, and had to study after doing nothing for months after a levels and finally had the taste of the rigour of this major.. semester 1 went by too quickly..

Modules taken this semester:

CS1010S

MA1101R

MA1521

BT1101

GER1000

CS1010S Programming Methodology (Python)

Prof: Ben Leong

Exam Dates: 2 Oct (Midterm) / 16 Nov (Practical Exam) / 27 Nov (Finals)

Weightage:

Coursemology – 25% (25%)

Participation – 5% (5%)

Midterm test – 15% (-)

Practical exam – 15% (20%)

Final assessment – 40% (50%)

(those in brackets are for those taking alternative final)

S in CS1010S is for science students, most students are either science students (DSA/ Life Science plenty) or BZA students.

Overall this module easily had the highest workload compared to other modules, having to rush missions every week, complete tutorials (this is pretty standard duh) and lecture trainings before deadlines for bonus points on a gamified platform. One could sit at their table wracking their brains for the whole day and still not be able to come up with a feasible code, or have their codes stuck with some bugs and not knowing how to continue. Really, without the help from fellow friends this module would be hard to get through. Luckily my TA was kind (and patient!) enough to explain such that my brain could get it. Ended up having to IP this module sadly… This module really requires your wholehearted devotion and really tests your patience i must say, especially for people who are not too intellectually inclined (aka me)..

They introduced a new scheme this semester aka Alternative Final, meaning you get to retake your midterm and finals by tabao-ing it into the next sem except you do your finals during the recess week instead of the finals, kinda like a half-retaking a module? Your grades for finals are IP-ed (in progress) rather than letter grades and the finals and midterms will be accounted for in the following half a semester albeit under different weightage components.

They said its a introductory module, but …………..

This year’s practical exam was particularly hard i think i had friends (even the zai ones) getting single digit marks… banked full in on the Method of Life question (Q5) of finals which is a giveaway question asking you how you can apply the concepts to other parts of your life and your main take-aways from taking this module (filled up the whole page and got full marks for it 4m) without this question i would have failed the paper..

Now i have to work hard the next sem… its kinda sad for us BZA students because CS1010S is a prerequisite for those wanting to take BT2101 and CS2030/2040 modules in the following semester (y1s2). Future students (esp BZA) please take the advice to consider this when deciding whether to IP…. because guess who didnt and regretted not thinking deeper…..

Ah one more thing to take note is the weightage is quite different for those IP/ alternative final people, theres higher weightage for the papers :_D

Ben Leong is a pretty good lecturer, hes solid in delivering concepts except my brain may be a little too slow for him.. Theres also lecture videos online that you can refer to and thousands of papers (with solutions!!) waiting for you to do.. something uncommon for many modules i heard? also, you get to see your final (scanned) paper through a website, in ben leong’s words “how cool is that?” he also uploads the mark scheme for your reference which is pretty cool imo. He’s a very interesting lecturer.

MA1521 Calculus for Computing

Prof: Leung Pui Fai

Exams: No midterms, just an online quiz (4 questions, most get full marks for), and the finals

Weightage: cant really rmb the weightage but i think its 40-60? i think tutorial attendance isnt graded..

They said this was just a repeat of H2 maths with more stuffs well boy i must say this wasnt as easy as they said.. okay maybe for me, ive always struggled with maths for a really long time. Surprisingly got a B for H2 Maths, i got a B3 for O levels really the blemish in my results. Got a B- for this module. Many people will say this is an easy module, you can trust them a little different in my shoes i guess. I didnt turn up for lectures for the half part of the semester since he talks a bit too slowly so i just watch the webcast sped up. But being a procrastinator i’m really behind on webcasts by the time the exams came.. i think i spent too much time on CS1010S and its still not enough.. if you dont have the discipline to watch them religiously at home, i would suggest you go for the lecture even though he may talk abit slowly but it forces you to not miss out on them. I dont really had the time (is it i wonder?) to do the tutorials either so i was also behind on them.. most of the time i just sat for tutorials and took the answers down to only work on them many weeks later (much regrets) so i didnt really understood what was going on as the TA went through. please dont be like me… the recess week was for sure not enough to revise/ learn all the content for all your mods for both midterms/finals so please dont be lazy like me…. this is the suffering i brought upon myself TT

Overall i think. it is not that hard a mod if you do your work consistently.. things got a little confusing towards the end i heard they dropped a whole chapter this semester glad they did.

MA1101R Linear Algebra I

Prof: Wang Fei

Weightage:

Finals (28 Nov, 2h)— 60%.

Mid-term test (4 Oct, 2h)— 20%.

3 homework assignments (4% per assignment) — 12%.

An in-class Lab (MATLAB) quiz — 8%.

This was one of my most hardest period in my life and i say this on PERIODT. As if maths wasnt tough enough, this will really declare a survival of the fittest among your remaining brain cells. Friends told me maths came into their dreams… pls extinguish my soul. You must be thinking i am crazy for wanting to take 2 math mods in a sem right? ?

Yeahh no one really does that but it was my idea because i didnt want to do maths together with all the core core mods (BT and CS) next sem so i decided ah i should just get maths over and done with ( hAH real joke bc i couldnt clear CS1010S and i cant take 2k level mods for BT and CS and unlocked clown outfit because theres one more ST2334 core mod that involves probability and stats so much for thinking i will be over and done with for dealing with maths– someone tell me why did i choose this major again?)

Somehow along the way i realised the bell curve for this was surprisingly high i think those who chose this mod intend to delve even deeper in mathematics, mayhaps i joined the wrong major. The R in MA1101R actually stands for rigorous i didnt realise until my friend read the fine prints in the SOC Course Curriculum for BZA or sumn. Pure hell. There are 3 homework assignments (graded mind you) and most of the students get around 50++/60 i think i was the one of the rare few who flunked quite badly and always eyeballed by my TA (who is a prof for some 3k or 4k level maths, not for this mod though). I approached him for consults and for help and he was nice enough to sit me down and explain slowly. He’s pretty good at explaining slowly although he’s pretty fast in class (and most of the semester i had close to ZERO idea what was going on in class for pretty much most of the mods). Shockingly managed to pull out a C from my butt. The intellect of the students are no joke.. Homework assignments are every 3 weeks starting week 6 i think (so week 6, 9, 12) and i think are there to make sure you catch up with the work.

Oh lectures-wise, i sat for ½ of his classes, i really absorb almost nothing.. the rest of the lecture hall seem to get it though or so it seems. so i stopped attending my own lectures to watch the webcast for Prof Victor Tan too. His webcasts/lectures are really popular and it really owe it to his teaching, apparently he taught Wang Fei before and of course had over ten more years of experience. WF’s lecture turn-outs are comparatively less compared to VT. And on panopto (webcast platform) i think it was almost always 360++ views for VT as compared to a 80++/ was it 30++ for WF if i recall correctly. VT slides are also more concise and simple to understand where as WF’s ones are similar to the textbook. You are also required to purchase a textbook for this module costs around $20 from the co-op store in science and i urge you to purchase it asap when the profs announce they are made available bc they run oos quite fast.. the tutorial questions are from the textbook and the textbook is very simple and straightforward and put together by some of the lecturers/profs in school.

BT1101 Introduction to Business Analytics

Prof: Dr Sharon Tan, Desmond Ong

Weightage:

1. Online Quiz & Datacamp Assignments — 7%

Tutorial 1-4 — 8%

Tutorial 5 onwards — 15%

In-class Assessment (Written) — 10%

Practical Assessment — 20%

Final Assessment — 40%

In class assessment is held 2ish weeks after your midterms week so its kinda like your midterms?

Mm i would say this module is the most ?? its hard to put in words but if you read up the confessions page (NUSwhispers) regularly you would see many complaints that the mod is structured not as neatly as CS1010S its quite here and there everywhere and personal opinion, sometimes i dont know what i am supposed to learn but i guess its like that? The profs seem to value not wanting to spoonfeed and us learning on our own and stuff like that. I heard the mod was much harder in previous years and they simplified it a lot compared to in the past (which i really thank god) but its still a bit ?? They split it into two halves, first half of the sem is taught by Dr ST (Descriptive Analytics) and the next half by DO (Prescriptive and Predictive Analytics).

There are online videos to be watched every week even though you get lectures once every 2 weeks when Dr ST teaches and tutorials to be submitted to your TAs that are graded only after about 6/7 weeks. They leave comments (½ sentences someitmes shorter) and your marks received and thats about all so you dont really know where you went wrong since they are not marked paper and pen way. The tutorials are coding exercises for questions using the R language. They also used Datacamp to drill some of the basics of R for a headstart. Her workshop style lectures are a lot of on the spot learning how to code and stuff which i lag behind a bit because she goes a bit fast in order to cover everything. We learn new content via the online videos that we have to watch every week and theres quizzes for them too weekly iirc.

The next half by DO had no online videos (great!! and no quizzes!!) but weekly lectures and graded tutorials are due every 2 weeks(!!). There are still weekly tutorials but its only graded for every 2nd one, wow this saved me a lot of time phew. I didnt get to do the tutorials for those that are not graded but read through the questions so that i get a gist of whats going on, and somehow i really dont have the time to do it? CS1010S really absorbed a large chunk of my time cries. Finals was a oK it was not that bad i think. There are 20 MCQs and then about 4 structured questions? Closed-book with 1 A4 sheet cheatsheet.

Oh and the bad part about the tutorials are the tutors wont provide you with the model answers/codes so you’re really just on your own. You either get it or nah. :_D

GER1000 Quantitative Reasoning

Weightage:

1. Tutorial — 10%

2. 10 Weekly Quizzes — 20%

3. Project —35% (Presentation 10%, Final Report 25%)

4. Finals (28 MCQs, 2h) — 35%

No lectures so no profs, just weekly online videos and quizzes.

Tutorials are every odd/even weeks depending on the slot you chose.

Groups are arranged by the TAs beforehand.

This was pre-allocated for us so (grits teeth). Honestly a waste of time. One of the mods i neglected till the end to focus on other mods (which was worth it). The workload was manageable, of course (if not how to neglect). Every 2 week you meet together wiht your groupmates to discuss tutorial questions (each group will discuss 1 qn) and every tutorial class ended about 30min earlier. Nearing the end theres a group project report and slides to be done. Report is in the form of QnA so you just answer the questions and slides/ presentation is going through an article of a topic you chose (theres about 10) and you analyse the QR part of it what is good what can be better, etc. Theres also a bit of the stats part with probability and stuff but its a OK. Bell curve steep for finals (40 MCQ, 2h) but most finished in 1h and left the hall, i was one of the few who stayed till the end even though i was just staring at the paper into the depths of my soul for reasons unknown) It’s a lot about experiments not really the scientific/ calculations part of it but understanding about coming up with experiments, the pros and cons of carrying things out a certain way in loose terms something like the art of crafting experiments? makes you think a bit deeper how and what people think and not so dry i guess.

Epilogue

i guess thats a wrap–new semester starts soon :( i think this might be the first module/semester review tumblr blog but i hope this can be of help to anyone, to anyone at all. the owner of many of similar review blogs get really stellar results which i may be too out of league from so i hope this brings comforts to those who are doing not so well and encourage them because im not any different we exist, and we’ll survive.

CARPE DIEM 2020 LETS GEDDIT

#y1s1

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srta-jax-blog · 5 years

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NTPRS Day 4 & 5 (This one’s gonna be a long one!)

I’m putting these two days together because Day 5 was a half day and both days consisted of one-hour sessions addressing special topics. On these days, presenters like Mira Canion, Bryce Hedstrom, Jim Woolridge, and many others presented, and I consider myself very blessed to sit at the feet of more experienced professionals and learn from them. I went to sessions with Von Ray, Bryce Hedstrom (2x), Clarice Swaney, Scott Benedict (2x), Nathan Spencer, and Mira Canion. Thursday was also when Dr. Bill VanPatten gave the keynote speech, which was mind blowing. (I’ll address BVP’s address separately, because this is already a very long post!)

The first session was conducted by Von Ray. (I guess I didn’t get enough of him the first three days of the conference!) He presented on the value of developing good improvisation skills, which he pulled from “Truth In Comedy: The manual of improvisation” by Charna Halpern, Del Close, and Kim “Howard” Johnson. It was during this session that Von said that “Bad TPRS is better than good grammar” and that “Anything worth doing well is worth doing poorly in the beginning.” I think the best pieces of advice that I got from this was that I should try to be funny/make jokes, I should embrace the unexpected, listen and make connections, and make the students look good.

Blaine Ray sat in on this session, and he gave a ground rule that he uses in Storyasking: Once I state the fact, you cannot contradict that. This was in response to someone asking about students adamantly trying to change the details of the story to suit themselves. This is one of the concerns I’ve had, but having a succinct rule like this will be very helpful.

I went to two sessions with Bryce Hedstrom because he had two topics that I really wanted to know more about: passwords and student interviews. The passwords session was first, and it was really helpful. Bryce gave great tips on how to introduce and teach the passwords, and gave some tips for how to get through them in a time crunch. After the morning sessions, I did go buy his book on passwords, just so that I could peruse the material at my leisure again and again. The book also has lists of passwords that can be used at different levels, which is helpful for me to have handy. I can’t wait use these in my classroom (and I’ll probably even make my administrators say the password when they come to visit!) He also talked a little bit about how he handles late students. They don’t have to say the password, but they do have to say “Lo siento” (I’m sorry) and the class responds with “Está bien” (It’s okay.) His reason for this, which I thought was beautiful, was that the students need to learn to forgive and also that they can be forgiven, which is a concept that so many students are unfamiliar with these days. Bryce also gave some neat little tidbits about things he does in his classroom… but you had to be there. ;)

I tried doing student interviews last semester, but the students didn’t seem to get super into it. In the second session I went to with Bryce, he explained his Special Person Interviews (we discussed the unfortunate naming, and someone suggested Selfie Talk to match with other CI terms like Picture Talk and Movie Talk) and demonstrated how he handles them in class. He said that this all stems from his personal philosophy of helping students realize who they are, what they are about, and what they want to do so they can realize Ikigai. In other words, he is using the target language to help his students become better people. He has posters with his Special Person interview questions (and sentence frames for answers) up all year round. This is an easy way to differentiate for varying processing speeds.

In this session he also addressed quizzes based on the SPI, free-writing, do nows, and how he organizes it all in a composition notebook and grades the various things within. I really liked how he organized it. I was planning on having my students get binders, but I may have them get composition notebooks and use those as well to develop a portfolio of writings throughout the semester. (I’ll be having mine keep their composition books in the classroom.)

I think part of my problem last summer was that I did not do a good job of asking follow-up questions, and I limited the questions they were asked too much. In his demonstration, he showed how he was able to get a lot of follow-up questions based on the answer to the question ¿Qué te gusta hacer? (What do you like to do?) This year, I plan to stick closer to his script for the questions that are being asked.

Which leads to the first of the two sessions that Scott Benedict presented. Both of his sessions were very helpful (and I had originally only planned on going to one of his sessions), the first one addressing using the Super 7/Sweet 16 verbs as the basis for a world language curriculum and the second regarding grading and flexible seating.

Scott explained how the Super 7 (Dr. Terry Waltz) and Sweet 16 verbs (Mike Peto) give our students the ability to communicate pretty much every idea they need to if they can use them in the past, present, and future tenses. The students will not be able to say everythingthey want say in the exactway they want to, but they will be able to circumlocute (talk around) pretty much every concept they can be expected to talk about. In Scott’s school district, the main focus of Spanish I and II is to get the students to “own” these 16 verbs across all persons in the most common present, past, and future indicative uses, although they are introduced to other tenses.

The big takeaways from this session:

1) less is more-If I focus on teaching and repeating a small set of words-the Sweet 16 and personalized, releveant vocab, the students will retain that and then some.

2) Focus on the Super 7 first, but teach “disgust” before “gust” so that the reverse construction doesn’t confuse them too much.

3) We are language parents, not language teachers. That’s actually a Haiyun Lu quote, but the point is that we need to talk to our students like we would talk to a little kid. In general, a parent corrects their child by restating their statement with correct grammar, not making them parrot it or lecturing them on grammar.

4) Shortrunposters is the cheapest website to get posters made for your classroom. Scott has made posters of the Sweet 16 verbs in a number of languages using the most common past, present, and future forms of the verbs for free on his website, and he had them blown up, printed, and laminated for his own classroom. I have done the same for the 9 I’m sure I’ll need from day one as well as 2 pages of Bryce Hedstrom’s Special Person Interview document. (In a few weeks I’ll do another order to get the rest of the posters made, because even though each 17”x22” poster was only $5.50, I’m still not made of money.)

In the second Scott Benedict session I attended addressed classroom layout and gradebook layout. This was an accidental session for me, I intended to go to a different session, but couldn’t find it. I had already planned to go deskless and begin implementing alternative seating, but this session really helped me feel better about that decision and get a better idea of what that could look like.

The benefits of a deskless classroom:

1) There’s more space. Chairs, yoga balls, and bean bags take up a lot less space in the room than the traditional chair-desk combination. This helps me stay close to everyone, which improves classroom management and lets me have a bigger staging area.

2) I can rearrange and group students easily.

3) Desks are a barrier to conversation and give students a place to hide illicit activity (phones, food, etc) or disengage by putting their head down.

4) It’s easier to implement alternative seating. There is only so much space in a classroom, having to accommodate a yoga ball next to a chair-desk or a table takes up a lot more room or makes it almost impossible to reach everyone quickly.

Scott doesn’t implement alternative seating until a few weeks into the school year, and lays very clear guidelines for the use of alternative seating.

Scott addressed how he uses various posters to develop his classroom culture, including classroom rules, a word wall, his Sweet 16 posters, question words (I like that his don’t have the English on them, but rather are illustrated with pictures), and behavior warning posters. He uses a clothesline to hang his collection of funny hats to be used by student actors (or student behavior problems) and some shelves to store realistic animal plushes that he gets at zoos all over the country. (They look amazing, and I want to start similar collections!)

Finally he talked about how he sets up his gradebook. He divides his into Speaking, Writing, Listening, Reading, and Culture categories that contribute to the students academic grade, but he can/does track things like participation, homework, effort, etc in a 0% category for documentation purposes. The percentages he uses align with blooms taxonomy and range from 10%-30%. For his level 1s, there are no speaking and writing grades in quarter 1, but he has them for the full school year, and he gives three grades per category per marking period. Two are formative, one is summative, and he assesses all the categories in one exam at the end of the quarter. This means he’s giving 15 grades/quarter, and is taking at least 1/week. He recommended staggering when grades were taken among classes, especially for the formative assignments to reduce the amount of grading done at any one time.

I don’t think I will implement this exact system next year, at least in terms of percentages, but we shall see.

Mira Canion spoke about assessing reading comprehension. She pointed out that we need to be doing this consistently because it tells us what our next move is. We discussed the ACTFL and WIDA standards for comprehension on the different levels, and how they are only somewhat helpful in guiding what assessment should look like. One of her more brilliant points was that by using the target language to teach content using Comprehensible Input Methods, we can bypass arguments about explicit grammar teaching because we aren’t teaching that.

Mira then talked us through reading strategies we could teach and then use to assess our student’s reading comprehension.

Strategy 1: Read the text, comment on it/make a prediction/ask a question/clarify something, and reread it if you are completely unable to do one of those things. We can have students write these down, and then sort them to assess.

-Deep questions/comments get an A.

-Simple questions/comments get a C.

-If it is between the two, it’s a B.

-We need to model asking deep questions in L2 (the target language) in order to help our students do the same, then supplement the ones who do with more complicated texts, and we can do that starting in Level 1.

Strategy 2: Have the students make a web of information around a topic based on a reading.

-It’s important to have the students drawing this web, not just filling information out.

-Have them sort whether statements pulled from the text are linked to the main idea or detail, and explain why the details support the main idea.

-We need to really teach students how to find the main idea, not just have them read a text and then ask “so what’s the main idea?” Sure they should have learned that in their English/Language Arts classes before they get to us, but odds are good that they haven’t.

Strategy 3: Students find the story structure.

-If a students can find and talk about the various elements of a story structure, then they understand the story.

-You can give them a chart with columns to support them creating sentences. Ex: Somebody/wants/but/so.

R Clarice Swaney’s session dealt with doing Picture Talks. I’ve done Movie Talks with varying degrees of success, so I understand the concept of a Picture Talk, but it was still good to go to a session that specifically addressed doing them and reinforce what I already knew. The big takeaways for me was to make sure that my picture was interesting, I used creative cropping to create interest and build suspense, set clear expectations from the get-go, and have a loose plan of questions to ask that blend talking about the picture and talking about the students.

I really like the way Clarice phrased her expectations:

1) Nothing on your lap, nothing in your hands. (She’s deskless too!)

2) One person speaks, all others listen.

3) Professional posture

4) Use the Target Language, make interesting suggestions.

5) Demonstrate understanding or ask for clarification

If a student breaks those rules, Clarice doesn’t make a big fuss, but acts like she didn’t go over the rules and refreshes them.

I really liked the suggestion of using Picture Talks to introduce or examine things of cultural reference. Working more culture study into my classroom is a personal goal for this year, which means I will have to be more diligent about researching culture in various countries, but not all of my Picture Talks this year will be about culture. I learned so much in on these two days, and I wish I could have gone to more individual sessions! I have a ton of new methods and strategies in my teacher toolbox that I can’t wait to use this year!

#ntprs 2019 #comprehensible input #language acquisition #world languages #educational strategies #teaching proficiency through reading and storytelling #pedagogy #classroom management

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gtzfinance · 5 years

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Hermitian Matrices and the Fallacy of Simpler Solutions

Author:

Thomas Becker

Prerequisites:

The first part of this post is a general interest musing with no prerequisites. The second part is mathematical and assumes the mathematical maturity of a technical person as well as a working knowledge of linear algebra. This post is not related to finance.

Summary:

This blog post argues that the urge to simplify and streamline other people's computer code or mathematical work is almost always misguided. However, we claim that hunting for the simplest proofs of established mathematical results has some value. We show a simple proof of the spectral theorem for hermitian matrices as an example.

The Fallacy of Simpler Solutions

I am a mathematician and a software engineer. Therefore, I tend to have the bad habits of both groups. In particular, like many software engineers, I have been known to point my finger at other people's working code and proclaim that I could simplify it, making it more elegant, efficient, readable, and maintainable. Similarly, looking at other mathematician's papers or textbooks sometimes makes me want to declare that I could do the same thing in a way that's shorter, simpler, more readable, easier to understand, and so on, you get the picture.

As I've grown wiser and more mature over the years, I have installed a little voice in my head that comes on every time that I feel the urge to level this kind of criticism at someone. The voice reminds me of the FSS, the Fallacy of Simpler Solutions:

1. Embellishing something when someone else has done the heavy lifting is easy. In fact, if my criticism has any virtue at all, the person who did the original work would probably see the same thing if they went back to it now. But they don't, because they're off doing more original work while I'm nitpicking on other people's achievements. So first off, no reason to be all condescending and sanctimonious.

2. The existing solution that I'm looking at works. Mine is an idea that popped into my head just now. By the time it's all written down or implemented, it may not be so simple anymore. In fact, it may not even work at all. [1]

3. A solution that I come up with will almost necessarily seem simpler and more elegant to me, because it's mine and corresponds naturally to my way of thinking. Other people may not see it that way. What I have may be just an alternate solution, not a simpler one.

4. Even assuming that my solution is simpler, more elegant, more efficient, and all that, is it really worth making a big deal of it, and, in the case of a computer program, to actually modify the code? It almost never is. [2] Putting everybody through that painful process of finding and fixing all the little mistakes and bugs all over again? For what? What's the gain? In the vast majority of cases, the only gain is that my pompous ego can feel better about itself. Great.

5. Don't fix it if it ain't broke.

So, long story short, I try not to waste any precious time going around telling other people that I could have done their work better, if only I had done it at all. There is only one way to put my insights, if any, to good use, and that's by applying them in my own original work. Now there's a real value-add. And besides, what's a better way of bringing my insight to other people's attention: demonstrating its value by applying it myself, or nitpicking on their achievements?

However, it just recently occurred to me that in the case of mathematical proofs, hunting for simpler proofs of established results can make sense and lead to valuable insight, if one understands what one is doing. The following discussion of simplifying mathematical proofs uses the the spectral theorems for operators on finite-dimensional vector spaces (i.e., diagonalization of matrices) as its main example. I will therefore have to assume that you already know pretty much everything about linear algebra up to and including eigenvectors, eigenvalues and spectral theorems.

Simplifying Proofs by Discarding Generality

Suppose you're looking up the proof of the spectral theorem for hermitian matrices in a linear algebra textbook. What should you find? The book will of course have a proof of the spectral theorem for normal matrices. It wouldn't be a good textbook if it didn't. But once you have a proof of the spectral theorem for normal matrices, the spectral theorem for hermitian matrices is an easy corollary because a hermitian matrix is clearly normal. All you have to do is add an almost trivial remark regarding the eigenvalues of a hermitian matrix being real.

So now your proof of the spectral theorem for hermitian matrices consists of a proof of the spectral theorem for normal matrices plus some trivial remarks. That's not the simplest possible proof. If you shoot for hermitian matrices directly, disregarding the more general case of normal matrices, you can get a simpler proof, as will be demonstrated below. But you certainly wouldn't criticize the textbook author for not presenting that proof. Why would she? It would be a waste of time, and it would make the textbook look messy. Still, there is value in looking at the simpler proof: it gives you an intuition for how much deeper the spectral theorem for normal matrices is than the one for hermitian matrices. Not everybody may be interested in developing that intuition, but it's additional insight nonetheless. And if nothing else, it makes for great recreational mathematics. If I were to go back to teaching or textbook authorship, which is not likely to happen, I would try to stuff the exercise sections with such simpler proofs of more specialized results. [3]

Simplifying Proofs by Discarding Constructivity

The proofs of the spectral theorems in linear algebra textbooks are typically centered around the determinant and the characteristic polynomial of a matrix, and the Cayley-Hamilton Theorem. It is possible to prove the spectral theorems without the use of all that, resulting in dramatically simpler proofs. This will be demonstrated below for the special case of hermitian matrices. So does that mean that pretty much every linear algebra textbook ever written is full of unnecessarily complicated proofs? Of course not. The simpler proofs, like the one presented below, prove the existence of a unitarily equivalent diagonal matrix. But linear algebra, perhaps more so than any other branch of mathematics, is not just about the existence of things. It is a tool for applied physicists and engineers who need to calculate stuff like equivalent diagonal matrices and solutions to linear equations. The characteristic polynomial, and thus, by implication, the Caley-Hamilton Theorem, are indispensible tools in these efficient calculations. Therefore, presenting the spectral theorems without bringing in the characteristic polynomial would be kind of missing the point. Nonetheless, I believe that looking at the simpler proof still has value: it gives you an intuition for how much deeper the problem of (efficient) computation is, as opposed to just proving existence. [4] And again, it makes for some fun recreational mathematics.

In the case of the spectral theorems for linear operators on finite-dimensional vector spaces, the simpler proofs are still constructive, meaning they still provide a method of calculating the diagonalizations (modulo the problem of calculating zeroes of polynomials, of course). They just completely disregard the efficiency of the calculation. There are other examples of simplified proofs where the original proof is constructive, while the simpler one is no longer constructive at all. [5]

Diagonalization of Hermitian Matrices

During one of my recent peregrinations in the American Desert Southwest, my mind, trying to distract itself from the pain caused by my body carrying a multi-day pack with three gallons of water added, started wondering if it could prove the spectral theorem for Hermitian operators on finite-dimensional vector spaces (diagonalization of Hermitian matrices) without looking anything up.

When it was done I was convinced that I must have made a mistake, it was so simple. Of course calling a proof simple makes sense only if you specify what exactly you assume to already be known. For example, the spectral theorem for Hermitian operators would be trivial if you were to assume the spectral theorem for normal operators to be already known. As you will see in a moment, the simple proof that I'm talking about assumes only the most elementary results on basis and dimension, linear maps and matrices, orthogonality, stuff like that, things that you learn in a first undergraduate course on linear algebra. And, perhaps somewhat importantly, you can even subtract everything regarding the determinant from that.

There is, of course, the small matter of the Fundamental Theorem of Algebra, i.e., the fact that every non-constant polynomial over the complex numbers has a zero. That cannot be simplified away from the spectral theorems. In fact, in view of the proof below, one is tempted to say that diagonalization of Hermitian matrices is no more than a corollary to the Fundamental Theorem of Algebra.

Before we go, allow me to emphasize again that if you're teaching a course or writing a textbook on linear algebra, this is most definitely not the kind of proof you want to present, for two reasons:

1. This proof lacks generality. You want to obtain the spectral theorem for Hermitian operators as a special case of the spectral theorem for normal operators.

2. This proof under-emphasizes efficiency of computation. Diagonalization of matrices is a very practical matter, and therefore should be taught with an eye on real-world calculations. This means you must bring in the determinant, the characteristic polynomial, and the Cayley-Hamilton Theorem.

However, this proof could make for a nice sequence of exercises or homework assignments, and for me, it's fun recreational mathematics.

One last thing before we delve into the math. To preempt any misunderstandings, let me stress that there is nothing even remotely original about the proof that you'll see below. I just think it's fun to arrange things so that you see clearly what specific arguments are needed above and beyond elementary linear algebra.

In this section, $V$ shall be a finite-dimensional vector space over $\mathbb{C}$, and the term operator, or complex operator for clarity, shall mean an endomorphism on $V$. Complex operators thus correspond to complex square matrices. I will assume that you know what it means for a complex operator or square matrix to be hermitian. We want to prove the following theorem:

Theorem 1: If $A$ is a hermitian operator, then $V$ has an orthonormal basis of eigenvectors of $A$, and all eigenvalues of $A$ are real.

In terms of matrices, the theorem states that a hermitian matrix is unitarily equivalent to a real diagonal matrix.

The proof of the theorem hinges on the following two propositions:

Proposition 1: Let $A$ be a hermitian operator and $U$ a subspace of $V$. If $U$ is invariant under $A$, the so is its orthogonal complement $U^{\perp}$.

Proposition 2: Every complex operator has an eigenvector.

Here's how Theorem 1 follows from the two propositions:

Proof of Theorem 1: Let $A$ be a hermitian operator. It is easy to see that any eigenvalue of $A$ must be real: if $e$ is an eigenvector with eigenvalue $\lambda$, then $$ \lambda (e \cdot e) = \lambda e \cdot e = A e \cdot e = e \cdot A e = e \cdot \lambda e = \bar{\lambda} (e\cdot e) $$ and therefore, $\lambda = \bar{\lambda} $. The proof that $V$ has an orthonormal basis of eigenvectors of $A$ is by induction on $\dim(V)$. The case $\dim(V) = 1$ is trivial. Let $\dim(V) > 1$, and let $e$ be an eigenvector of $A$. We may assume that $\| e \| = 1 $. Since the generated subspace $\langle e \rangle$ of $V$ is invariant under $A$, so is its orthogonal complement $\langle e \rangle^\perp$. Trivially, the restriction of $A$ to $\langle e \rangle^\perp$ is again hermitian, and therefore, by induction hypothesis, $\langle e \rangle^\perp$ has an orthonormal basis of eigenvectors of that restriction. Trivially, these eigenvectors are also eigenvectors of $A$, and each of them is orthogonal to $e$. Therefore, together with $e$, they form an orthonormal basis of $V$ consisting of eigenvectors of $A$. q.e.d.

It remains to prove the two propositions. The first one is near trivial:

Proof of Proposition 1: Let $A$ be a hermitian operator, and let $U$ be an $A$-invariant subspace of $V$. If $v\in U^\perp$, then, for all $w\in U$, $$Av \cdot w = v \cdot Aw = 0,$$ and thus $Av\in U^\perp $. q.e.d.

Proof of Proposition 2: The set of operators on $V$ forms a vector space with the natural operations of adding operators and multiplying them by complex numbers. This vector space has dimension $n^2$ where $n$ is the dimension of $V$. This is most easily seen by using the one-to-one correspondence to $n\times n$ matrices: any $n\times n$ matrix is a sum of multiples of matrices that have one entry 1 and all other entries 0. It follows that the operators $A^0, A^1, A^2,\ldots , A^{n^2}$ are linearly dependent. This means that there is a polynomial $p\in \mathbb{C}[X]$ such that $p(A)$ is the null operator. [6] We may assume that $p$ is a polynomial of minimal degree with that property. Let $\lambda$ be a complex zero of $p$, and let $q\in \mathbb{C}[X]$ such that $p = (X - \lambda) q$. By the minimality of the degree of $p$, $q(A)$ is not the null operator, and thus there exists $v\in V$ with $q(A) v \neq 0$. It follows that $q(A) v$ is an eigenvector of $A$ with eigenvalue $\lambda$: $$ (A - \lambda)((q(A) v) = ((A - \lambda)(q(A)) v = p(A)v = 0. $$ q.e.d.

For completeness' sake, I should mention that the converse of Theorem 1 is true too: you can easily convince yourself that a complex matrix that is unitarily equivalent to a real diagonal matrix is hermitian.

Diagonalization of Symmetric Matrices

We can't very well leave the topic of hermitian matrices without mentioning real symmetric operators and matrices. So let us change the setup of the previous section by replacing $\mathbb{C}$ with $\mathbb{R}$, which means that we're now looking at real symmetric operators and matrices instead of complex hermitian ones. It turns out that the perfect analogue to Theorem 1 is true:

Theorem 2: If $A$ is a symmetric operator, then $V$ has an orthonormal basis of eigenvectors of $A$.

In terms of matrices, the theorem states that a real symmetric matrix is unitarily equivalent to a real diagonal matrix, with the transformation matrix being real as well.

Notice that Theorem 2 is not a plain special case of Theorem 1. You may view a real symmetric matrix as a complex hermitian matrix and apply Theorem 1. But it is not obvious that the transforming matrix can be chosen to be real as well. So what's the simplest and/or most enlightening proof of Theorem 2? One thing you can do is repeat the proof of Theorem 1. The only difference happens when it comes to Proposition 2, the existence of an eigenvector. You can refine the proof of Proposition 2 to show that there actually exists a real eigenvector. That's all you need. That way, the proof of Theorem 2 is a slightly longer and more complicated version of the proof of Theorem 1.

But that's not the whole story. Suppose that we had taken the classic constructive, calculation-oriented approach to Theorem 1. Then we would have obtained that orthonormal basis of eigenvectors not by some rather abstract proof by induction, but as the union of bases of the different eigenspaces. And the basis of an eigenspace, in turn, is obtained by solving a system of linear equations, namely, $(A - \lambda)x = 0$, where $\lambda$ is the eigenvalue. We already know that eigenvalues of hermitian matrices are real. So if $A$ happens to be real as well, then the system of linear equations $(A - \lambda)x = 0$ is all real, and solving it won't take us outside of the real numbers. And voilà, Theorem 2 just happened, by inspecting the proof of Theorem 1. [7] Perhaps the constructive approach is not so uncool after all.

Notes

[1]

This is somewhat reminiscent of Joel Spolsky's famous blog post in which he argues that simplicity and elegance of code tend to not survive contact with users.

[2]

And again, I have to hand it to Joel Spolsky's for having argued this point already, and better at that.

[3]

Perhaps my favorite of those simplified-by-discarding-generality proofs is the direct proof of the formula for the sum of the infinite geometric series. Of course we all want to know what the sum of the finite geometric series is. So we do that first, and once we know what it is, namely, $(1-r^n)/(1-r)$, it follows immediately that the sum of the infinite geometric series is $1/(1-r)$. Few people (the author of "The Revenant" apparently being one of them) seem to know that there's a beautifully simple and intuitive direct proof of the formula for the infinite geometric series. This blog post has more about that.

[4]

There is actually a linear algebra textbook that prides itself in banning the concept of the determinant to the end of the book (Linear Algebra Done Right, by Sheldon Axler). I enjoyed perusing the book; its agenda of simplifying the proofs of results such as the spectral theorems is carried out brilliantly. I do take issue with the title, though. It is hard for me to imagine a group of students that is served well by teaching them linear algebra without emphasis on the tools needed for efficient calculations.

[5]

In a 1989 article in the Notices of the American Mathematical Society, George Boolos presented a proof of Goedel's First Incompleteness Theorem based on the Berry Paradox that is much simpler than Goedel's original proof (Notices Amer. Math. Soc. 36, 1989, 388–390). The article spawned passionate discussions, carried out in letters to the editor as well as in math departments all over the world. (Social media wasn't a thing back then.) It took quite a while until a consensus emerged that Boolos' proof is simpler because it is non-constructive, i.e., it proves the existence of a statement that is neither provable nor disprovable without providing a way to construct such a sentence. Nonetheless, Boolos' proof is widely considered a valid original contribution, because it sharpens our understanding of the depth and ramifications of Goedel's results.

[6]

This is where the computational inefficiency of this proof's approach really jumps out at you: you'd be a fool to compute an annihilating polynomial in this manner. You'd use the characteristic polynomial of course. But in terms of simplicity of proof, you lost bigtime, because you just bought yourself the Cayley-Hamilton theorem.

[7]

Essentially the same argument is used in abstract algebra to prove that if $K\subset L$ are fields and $p,q\in K[X]$ are such that $q∣p$ in $L[X]$, then $q∣p$ in $K[x]$.

0 notes