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m1d-45 · 1 year

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I don't know when, i don't know how, but SOMEBODY has ruined my day by giving me flashbacks of my most embarrassing moments from years ago.

Tongue frozen on the iron bars, check, had to alert the peeps to get the teach to bring hot water and she kept giggling at me.

The first time i tried proper kissing? Fucken awkward.

Accidentally mixing my coca cola glass with dads wine glass, and spurting it out with ews in a FUCKEN BUFFET?! FULL OF PEOPLE?! WHO TURNED TO LOOK AT ME AS MY FAMILY LAUGHED AT MY MISFORTUNE?!

Getting whacked in the head by a ball during gym class when a classmate threw it? AND they had the AUDACITY TO LAUGH AT ME! (And people wondered why i skipped that class-)

But honestly, i want schadenfreude and a creator x a hot guy (you can choose who, i'll take anyone at this point to ease me) with just these scenarios in mind, if you could.

i have found that even forced exposure can help with younghood embarrassment.

-🥘Stew

tongue tied

a/n: maybe this isnt what you wanted. maybe it is. idk i have writers block like you wouldn't believe man.

word count: ~6.5k

→ warnings: none? mention of alcohol and injuries but nothing awful or severe. just nice :]

→ g/n reader (you/yours)

taglist: @samarill || @thenyxsky || @valeriele3 || @shizunxie || @boba-is-a-soup || @yuus3n || @esthelily || @turningfrogsgay || @cupandtea24 || @genshin-impacts-me

< masterlist >

diluc is a man with many skills.

he’s led the dawn winery for many years and have taken hundreds of shifts at the angel’s share, every item on the menu practically muscle memory by now. he knew the regulars and their typical orders, he knew the quickest way to strip mint stalks of their leaves, how to stack wine barrels most efficiently and how hot he could make his flames without getting burned, practically every skill he could reasonably need mastered when he was young.

…practically was the operative word, of course.

in business, it was practical to learn how to perfectly sign his signature. it was practical to know how to be diplomatic, practical to know how to properly tie a tie or check if a suit was fitted properly, practical to learn all of the skills he’d need to be the head of the dawn winery when he was young, so that by the time it was him sweeping a heavy coat over his shoulders for a meeting, he’d have every ability necessary to tackle whatever faced him.

but of course, his “training” didn’t cover more… personal things. he was too busy learning dining etiquette to know how to make small talk—that didn’t revolve around one party trying to get something from the other, that is. he knew how to set tables and properly pour wine, but his greetings were industry-approved stiff, responses a standard dialogue that he had nearly memorized. everything he said was mapped out in his head far before he’d say it, neatly laid out in his mind as he guided the conversation where he wanted it to go. efficient for formal meetings, but it left him… he didn’t like the word ‘lost,’ but it was the only one he could reasonably apply.

diluc set down the glass he was cleaning, picking up another to keep his hands busy. yes, there was a formal dishwasher hired, but he didn’t like being idle. he didn’t quite know what to do or where to put his hands, feeling a bit exposed without his coat. the bar provided a wide berth between him and any customers, but he couldn’t quite get a handle on the easy banter charles had with the patrons during his shift. it was like he was locked in an odd limbo between work and rest hours; without his gloves, vest, or other protective layers, all shed to prevent them from being stained in the case that something went awry, but still needing to keep face in front of others. he didn’t have his gloves to pull down, no comforting weight of his coat, his vision on a clip on his belt instead of the knot it usually hung from. everything wasn’t quite where it should be, and he was reminded of that every time he reached or twisted in the right way and the small spikes on top of his vision pressed through his shirt and into his side.

he felt… exposed. lost. and he didn’t know what to do about it.

he looked up as the tavern door opened, whatever expression he had before falling away as he was brought out of his thoughts. relax, he tried to tell himself, but it’s hard to believe that when one of the worst reasons for his confusion just walked in.

you.

archons, diluc was awful when it came to interacting with you. his heart beat too quickly and a shockingly large part of his brain thought that this meant he was in some sort of stressful meeting, all of his words coming out flat. while in its intended environment that would keep him from losing his temper or showing any weakness, in here it just made him feel more weak.

your head dipped. “master diluc, captain kaeya.”

and his brother certainly didn’t help the situation.

kaeya had turned when you entered, and greeting you with a sweeping arm and a cheery call of your name. “i didn’t think i’d see you so late; how kind of the heavens to bless me with your presence once again.”

diluc’s jaw tensed, and he traded glasses again. the pile of dirty cups was quickly dwindling, in no small part due to his own thoughts. he tended to be a bit quicker at the rhythmic movements of washing when he was caught up in his own lackluster abilities.

you laughed, taking the seat next to kaeya at the bar. all at once diluc was hyper aware of every action he made, from the change of towels to wipe off the water lingering on the cup to the smallest twitches in his expression or shifts in his weight.

“got caught up in some last-minute stuff, a coworker needed my help. i do hope you weren’t waiting too long?”

kaeya’s eye flashed, and he downed the rest of his drink before launching into a clearly fake story, talking about how actually, in the half hour or so delay in your appearance, the angel’s share was stormed by hundreds of fatui.

as if either of them would let that happen.

you played along, though, asking questions in the right spots and getting him to spin the story further. diluc exchanged his glasses again, doing a double take at the empty rack once he did.

that was far from ideal.

“-right, diluc?”

he looked up in an instant, eyes flicking about as he assessed the situation. clearly, he’d missed some part of the conversation, but what?

you, blessed you, had noticed his confusion, a smile on your face as you rested your hand on your chin, leaning on the bar. “i don’t know, would you really waste a bottle of dandelion wine like that? surely your claymore would do just fine.”

with a sharp swallow and a quick prayer—not that that would do much, knowing the archon he was praying to—diluc took a chance.

“of course i would. one bottle is worth it to defend mondstat, and it’s quite unwieldy to use a claymore in such a confined space.”

he fought a grimace the second the words left his mouth. his tone was too flat, his words uninteresting, certainly less entertaining than whatever fantastical tale kaeya had spun.

you nodded, and he could thankfully see amusement in your eyes. “how noble, master diluc.”

kaeya cut in, picking up his empty cup. “if you can spare a bottle for the fatui, then you can spare a glass for the cavalry captain, can’t you?”

he took the cup, but added it to the dirty rack alongside the one in his hand, taking a new one and wiping it to remove any water despite the fact that he knew there was none. archons, when had he gotten so…

he pushed away that train of thought, pulling out a bottle as he set the fresh glass down. “certainly not. wine is to be drank and paid for, that bottle was… an unfortunate accident.”

“my my, you’re no fun.” diluc poured his glass quickly—”not too much, not too little, okay? a little more, a bit… there, that’s good. well done, son.”—and moved it in front of him, pushing the cork back into the bottle with the heel of his palm. he set it back in its place, and noticed kaeya’s eyes on him as he took a sip.

no, not him, on-

“not worth a bottle, but worth a new glass? perhaps i am a hero after all…”

why was he unsurprised he noticed?

“i don’t want it to stain,” he lied, knowing damn well that stained glasses was something he was more than capable of handling. kaeya hummed, swirling his cup once before you prodded him about his day and he was back to his usual self, talking with significantly less grandeur than his tale from before.

diluc tried to pace himself, being extra meticulous in his cleaning, but there was only so many times he could twist a glass before he had to accept that he was done with it. an odd sort of dread settled over him as he reached for the last cup. today was a slower day, and he normally didn’t run out of cups until everybody was too drunk to notice how awkwardly he stood behind the bar. but kaeya was too smart to get properly drunk, you’d just arrived, and the night was far younger than he’d like.

he was cleaning too quickly again. normally, getting everything he needed to done with fast was a good thing, but now it just left him uneasy. charles didn’t have this problem, and he didn’t even clean glasses during the downtime. no, he struck up conversation with every single person that sat at the bar, no matter how downtrodden or celebratory. he was naturally friendly, always knowing exactly what to say despite the fact that diluc would bet serious mora on the fact that he didn’t have the faintest idea what he’d say until the other person was done. if he thought about it… even kaeya had a script of sorts, a certain way to twist the situation back in his favor, but he managed to talk to people just fine. no, that wasn’t the problem.

the clatter of the cup in his hands on the drying rack pulled him from his mind. he shouldn’t be zoning out so much on the job, but what took his attention first was the fact that he was now seriously out of tasks to complete.

…beautiful.

“diluc? is everything alright?”

it’s your voice, surprisingly, that asks for him, and he fixes his expression in the split second it takes to look at you instead of the glasses. his mind reaches, grabbing the familiar sentence that must have left his lips a thousand times.

“everything is as it should be. why do you ask?”

a defense of his position, dismissing any ideas of weakness, and a prompt as to why that line of thinking was in discussion at all. part of him recoiled at the idea of treating you with the same recited lines he did a business partner, but he genuinely didn’t know what else to say. he was distracted, to come up with another acceptable response would make him hesitate, which would set off yours or kaeya’s alarms- or both, if he was particularly clumsy with his speech.

“did the glasses offend you, or something? you’re glaring.”

and yet, despite his prerecorded reliability, he is at a loss once more. genuine inquiries about his well-being were rare in the spaces he typically interacted in, and it didn’t help that he was still stuck in work mode.

“…they have not,” he decides, picking his language carefully. “i am simply thinking about something else.”

horribly vague, and would almost certainly warrant a follow-up question. before you even opened your mouth, he knew what you’d say.

“what are you thinking about? do you need help?”

the second part was a shock, but he blessedly had an answer for the first. “nothing important. it will be handled in due time.”

kaeya raised a brow, and diluc pointedly ignored his questioning look. it wasn’t often that he resorted to diplomatic language in the presence of civilians, but you… he could never quite think right when you were around. he could only hope you never misinterpreted his odd words as mistrust.

you hummed, changing the subject shortly after with a question about the vineyards, something about a particularly bad season for crops you’d heard from sara. he paused for a moment—an acceptable pause, he told himself, as most people did think before speaking—before settling on giving you an update on the winery as a whole. anybody that listened in would only find what they could learn by asking his workers, and no trade secrets were to be found in the fact that his grapevines were regularly checked.

with the slightest twitch of his hand, he realized he was speaking to you like a businessman again.

kaeya’s cup had emptied at some point, and diluc reached for the bottle of dandelion wine without stopping his sentence, a small nod from kaeya the only confirmation he needed to pull off the cork.

“the staff have been doing well, though this is shaping up to be a rather warm summer.” not that you asked, he notes, internally chiding himself as he pulls over kaeya’s glass. he considers swapping it for a new one to give himself something to do, but decides against it. he rattles off a few details about some dahlias that adelinde is trying to grow, how they keep seeming to wilt. he doesn’t stop talking to pour kaeya’s wine, eyes focused on his task as he continues talking nonsense about flowers. flowers. since when did he talk about the hobbies of his staff when asked about the vineyards?

he twisted the bottle as he pulled away—“this way any wine that drips will land on the back label. you don’t want the front to look messy.”—corking the bottle and forcing himself to finish this childish line of speech.

it wasn’t childish, not if you seemed genuinely interested, but any more and kaeya would have too much to leverage against him later. granted, he likely knew more about diluc than he’d like given how irritatingly good he was at reading people, but that was a problem for another day. for now, he let kaeya grab his cup on his own, wiping his hands of nothing as he waited for your response to what had certainly come off as nervous ramble.

your head tilted. “has she asked flora?”

“assumedly, or she had another worker do so for her. it’s not like her to let something rot like that.”

“that’s good to hear. and you?”

“pardon?” his hands had frozen, towel still in his hands, and he turned your words over in his mind. his reply had been instinctual, mostly to buy him time to think.

“how are you doing? don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to hear the winery is well, but you seem nervous.”

kaeya chuckled into his wine, and diluc’s jaw ticked.

“i am well, my apologies if i have worried you.”

“oh, alright… it can be hard to tell sometimes with you, i wanted to be safe.”

he knows. he’d meant his apology, but any sincerity was likely lost in whatever filter was placed between his mind and his mouth.

the air was awkward, and he didn’t know how to fill it. kaeya was looking at him, clearly expecting him to continue whatever tentative conversation was lingering, but he greatly overestimated diluc’s ability to do so.

he hung the towel back in its place, finally meeting his brother’s eyes. “behave.” they flicked to you, and his words were slower coming out. “make sure he doesn’t steal anything.”

you smiled, swearing on it even as the three of you knew kaeya wouldn’t do such a thing. diluc stepped out from behind the bar, grabbing a large serving tray and walking from table to table, collecting empty glasses.

maybe he was a coward for avoiding conversation- scratch that, he definitely was, but what was he to do about it? talk? that was already established to be off the table, and one could not typically make conversation without talking.

diluc shook off the topic, climbing the stairs to the second floor of the bar. all he could do was hope you didn’t hold it against him, or archons forbid think it were somehow your fault. hopefully you wouldn’t hate him by the time he managed to get his words in line with his thoughts.

diluc stared at the empty page in front of him, twisting the pen in his hand.

another skill he didn’t have. informal letter writing.

letters to merchants, fine, letters to buyers, he had a standard template for. letters to and from employees, informing him of upcoming leave or similar work related matters, all of this he was prepared for.

but this…

he sighed, watching as ink dripped onto the page, setting down his pen.

what did he say? what did he want to say? what was appropriate to say? you were rather close to his heart but how did he come across? would an inquiry about your well being be too forward? was a letter at all too forward? friends- no, you didn’t consider him a friend, right? or did you? how did people act around their friends? how did you act around your friends?

he tugged at his gloves, fiddling with the hem nervously. he’d finished most of his paperwork and had intended to take a break by writing you a letter, but… was it even a good idea? he- oh archons, he didn’t even know your address-

diluc crumpled up the paper in one hand, throwing it in the trash with the beginnings of an embarrassed blush on his face. writing a letter and not even knowing where you lived- he could count the amount of proper conversations he’d had with you that had progressed past basic small talk on one hand, and he wanted to write you a letter?

he covered his face with his hands, resting his elbows on his desk. papers shifted beneath him but he didn’t pay attention, his thoughts in circles.

he wasn’t an idiot. he knew exactly why his heart picked up when you were around, why he had to default to more familiar speech to not make an utter fool of himself. the entire reason he’d tried to write you a letter was because he wanted to clarify his behavior towards you, to hopefully build a prior relationship with you instead of learning about you by proxy from your conversations with kaeya. yet, in his hurry to fix what probably wasn’t even broken to begin with—he knew of his reputation, in reality you probably weren’t at all surprised at his inability to make small talk—he’d forgotten the most important detail.

on one hand, he probably could ask kaeya, or poke around in other ways, but that felt disingenuous. if he was going to try and… for now he’d call it making a friendship with you, then he wanted to do it right. of course, he didn’t know exactly what ‘doing it right’ entailed, but… he supposed he’d just have to guess.

diluc had learned a considerable amount in his childhood, yet none of his lessons taught him how to pursue a partner.

diluc swept his cloak around his shoulders, fastening the clasp with one hand and reaching for his vision with the other. with practiced movements, he undid the knot tying it in place, attaching it to the back of his other hand. he hooked his mask onto his belt and closed the door of his room behind him, walking down the stairs quickly.

“be safe, master diluc.”

“master kaeya has kindly informed us that the knights have a patrol for the whispering woods, so it would be wise not to stray too far.”

diluc paused at the door, mentally rearranging his patrol route with a nod. “thank you adelinde, elzer. pass on my gratitude, please.”

he pulled open the door to the manor, walking up the familiar trails and into wolvendom. his vision lit his path as his eyes adjusted, free hand affixing his mask to his face as he walked. since he couldn’t head as far north as he’d like, he’d settle for a loop around windrise and then one in wolvendom. not ideal, but it would have to do.

windrise was lighter than expected. a budding camp of hilichurls here, an abyss mage to the east (thankfully hydro, he’d been on a bad streak with pyro mages for a few days now) and a few slimes that got a bit too close to the merchant trails for his liking.

speaking of the trails, those were clean too. he snuck around springvale, keeping the hand with his vision on it tucked into his cloak to mask its light. hilichurls didn’t hang around this part of wolvendom, so unless he wanted to go shoving through wolf hook bushes for the chance to knock out a camp or two…

he looked between the two paths back to the winery. he could go through the gorge, or the typical way taken by his suppliers. the former was mostly guaranteed to have at least one or two monsters picking about, but it would be better if he cleared his trade routes…

it didn’t matter, in the end. he stepped out from the shadow of a tree, boot barely making contact with the dirt before he picked up the sound of another’s footsteps. heavy, quick, rapidly coming his way-

he summoned his claymore, turning north toward the sound, seeing a figure stumble from the bushes of wolvendom. they were wrapped in a too-thin jacket considering the weather, arm pressed to their chest. details were lost in the darkness, but he could see their head twist, how it snapped to him.

the figure waved with a shout to get his attention, and his heart dropped.

you. what were you doing up so late?

you jogged up to him, clearly out of breath, and he could see that you were holding an armful of unripe wolfhooks. “do.. do you know the way to springvale?”

by the archons, abyss, and celestia above-

“what business do you have there? it’s late,” he said, keeping his voice low. his hands trembled slightly in his gloves, eyes searching your figure for any injury. you had a nick or two on your arm, thankfully not bleeding, but everything else was obscured by shadows. you had clearly been running for quite a while, judging by how harshly you breathed, were you running from something? had you ran into trouble?

“i gotta get back to the city,” you explained breathlessly. “i kinda got lost in the forest.”

“lost?” his hand tensed around his claymore, the action reminding him it was still there. he dismissed it, crossing his arms to try and stabilize himself.

“long story, not worth telling.” you waved your hand, and he could see how it shook a bit. whether from adrenaline or exhaustion (both?) he knew he couldn’t point you toward mondstat in good faith. what if something happened to you? what if he’d missed a camp and you were attacked? you were weakened, tired, and his mind raced with all the potential injuries you could sustain just trying to go home-

“uh, stranger?” your hand waved again, this time to get his attention. “you with me?”

“the city’s too far. you’re better off seeking shelter at the dawn winery just up the road.” what was he saying? “besides, you could be injured, and not be feeling the pain due to adrenaline. let me walk you there.”

his heart hammered against his ribs, every single way you could reject him and then some swirling in his head. he was a stranger to you, you were clearly scared by something, and he directed you elsewhere out of what, selfishness? he knew that springvale was likely closer, that someone would be up and willing to help, and yet he was asking to walk you to the winery?

“are you sure? you don’t have to.”

“i’d rather not send you off when i’m not certain of your safety.” your eyes widened slightly, surprised at the care in his voice, and he forced his tone to flatten before you recognized him. “besides, the staff are friendly and willing to help. they’ll understand.”

you hesitated for a moment, then nodded, holding your wolfhooks closer. absently, he wondered if he had any at the winery. probably not, but he could likely ask-…

in barbatos’ name, how was he going to explain this to the staff?

“alright. lead the way.”

he turned before his expression could change, keeping his steps a bit slower than usual so you could keep pace easier. he wanted you inside as quickly as possible, obviously, but you had clearly strained yourself earlier. going quicker would only hurt you more, and it wasn’t as if there was any immediate threat. even if there was, he was confident in his ability to keep you safe. the trees lining the path were large, wide enough to protect you if trouble came up and he needed to use his vision.

he set aside that line of thinking, sparing a glance at you. you’d switched which arms held the wolfhooks, and in the more open light, he could see the small pricks on your skin where the points dug in. you winced when the fruit resettled, moving one away from your inner elbow, and he stopped walking.

“give me those. you’re hurting yourself.”

“it’s fine, don’t worry about it. we’re nearly there, right?”

“wolfhooks aren’t clean, you could get an infection. you’re supposed to harvest them with a basket and gloves, not carrying them bare armed.”

“you don’t have the thickest clothes either, what’s to say you won’t get hurt?”

diluc searched the small area of the path you were on, trying to find a compromise. his first instinct was to use his cloak, but his hair was tucked into the hood, and that with his silhouette would certainly give him away. his eyes caught on a tear in your jacket, just below the shoulder, and he held out his arms.

“use your jacket as a sling. it’s already torn from the forest, so it’s not the worst loss.”

firm solution, reasonable and immediate justification. he was doing it again, no matter how well it disguised itself as casual speech.

you gave in, thankfully, and he didn’t let the minor pain from the wolfhook’s points show on his face as you removed your jacket. it was as thin as it looked, and he found himself frowning as he helped you stow the berries inside.

still, it wasn’t his business. maybe if he were your friend he could suggest that you purchase a heavier coat, but… you were getting a new one anyway since this one was ruined, so that seemed like a null point to bring up.

he settled your stuffed jacket into your waiting arms, hands lingering for a moment to ensure your grip was stable. “better?” you nodded, and he began walking again. “good. and don’t forget to mention your wounds to the staff, the last thing you want is an infection from… why did you need wolfhooks?”

“bennett asked me to get some for him and his friend… i think razor is his name? but with bennett’s luck, he didn’t want to risk going in himself, so he asked me to help.”

diluc frowned. “why does he need wolfhooks?”

you shrugged. “he offered some mora in return, but i mostly accepted because i felt bad. his luck seems to ruin everything for him, the least i could to was try.”

“even at the risk of your own health?”

“the things you do for friends, you know how it is.” his hands twitched at his sides, curling into loose fists. did he? “but what about you? why are you out here?”

he thought over his answer carefully, mixing various bits of his typical sentences to craft a half-truth. it was getting easier, he noticed, but put that thought aside just as quickly as it came. “wandering, doing my part to keep the area safe.”

“that’s noble of you.”

it wasn’t. would you believe the same if you knew how selfish he was in his desires? he kept mondstat safe for himself, so that he could rest knowing he’d done what he could—he patrolled not out of some moral righteousness, but because it made him proud to know that he’d chipped in to the city’s safety, that he was handling threats the knights didn’t, that he could keep his staff, his brother, his life, keep you-

“have you considered joining the knights? i’m certain there’s some night patrols, and it would surely be nice to have backup.”

he almost responded, almost said that he was in the knights, at one point, before he remembered where he was. who he was. to tell you that would be too much, too much information and too much for you to identify him with.

when did he become so loose with his words? normally he was so uptight around you… was it the fact that you didn’t know he was him right now? did.. he seriously operate best under anonymity? archons, how weak was that, to only be able to say what he meant when you didn’t know anything? was he that socially inept? so desperate for a proper conversation that he’d nearly slipped a major part of his life to you, just based on an offhand comment? how pathetic was he?

he forcefully shut down that line of thought and grit his teeth, well aware it had been too long since you’d spoken. “i’ve considered it. it’s not for me.”

not an entire lie, at least.

you were silent, and he knew he’d ruined the atmosphere. crystalflies fluttered in the trees, lazily flapping through the air, but he couldn’t appreciate their beauty like he typically could. the walk all the way down to the manor was spent in silence, and aside from a minor stumble you had on a jutting rock, it was as if he was walking back on his own, as he typically would. he even began to reach for the doorknob, then caught himself and used the knocker instead.

it was weird. he knew the door wasn’t locked, yet he waited for footsteps to approach the door, seeing elder’s worried face greet him. “master diluc, are you-?”

elzer’s eyes found yours, a tiny hint of shock crossing his face before he settled it back into the same polite smile he always used when greeting guests.

“ah, my apologies. i wasn’t expecting visitors at such a late hour.”

diluc bowed his head in what he hoped came off as a thankful action. “my apologies for disturbing you.”

he explained the situation as swiftly as possible, elzer urging you towards adelinde to treat your injuries. the medical supplies were just inside, near to the door for the sake of diluc’s own health.

“and what of you, stranger?” elzer asked, a bit louder than necessary. “will you be staying?”

diluc sees you look up, understanding clicking in an instant. “no, i won’t,” he answers, “but i thank you for your hospitality.”

elzer reached for the coatrack, pulling down two, both his and diluc’s, keeping the door propped open and passing him his where you couldn’t see. “then let me walk you to the edge of the vineyards, in exchange for your chivalry.”

“it’s alright, thank you. have a nice night.”

“the same to you, stranger.”

the door closed, and diluc relaxed, clutching his coat close as he turned away from the manor.

that was too close. he shouldn’t have suggested to bring you here in the first place, and thank the gods that elzer was so quick on his feet. he’d completely forgotten that he would have to return to the manor as diluc at one point in his rush to get you here.

he ducked behind a tree at the edge of the winery, exchanging his cloak for his jacket. he folded it neatly, stowing his mask and gloves inside. he didn’t have his usual clothes on, but… he could make do. he’d lied before, he’d lie again… even to you.

his grip around his cloak tightened. especially to you. you had no business in his shady practices, in what he did in the dark. it was impossible to keep you entirely safe and sheltered, nor was that healthy or his place to do, but he could at least keep his darkness from encroaching upon your light.

by the time diluc returned to the manor, you had already been sent on your way to a guest room. blessedly, neither adelinde nor elzer were in the front room to make a remark to him about it, likely busy with other work or asleep themselves. he locked the door and hung up his coat, heading up to his room after a swift double check of the first of those facts.

he went about his night, changing into sleepwear and setting his boots by his bed, his vision on his nightstand. it was admittedly a little more difficult falling asleep than usual—were you comfortable? did you like the guest room?—but he managed, waking up with the sun. his routine was the same, but when he arrived at the bottom of the stairs, he paused, looking up at the guest rooms. it… was strange, to know you were here. he felt like he should be doing something, whether saying goodbye or good morning or-

he looked away and shook his head. or nothing. he wasn’t as close to you as you were to him, how did he keep forgetting that?

“is there a problem, master diluc?”

he turned, seeing adelinde setting down his breakfast on the table. “nothing at all, and thank you for the food. did you sleep well?”

“i was a bit late in going to bed, a strange guest brought us some worry.”

he smiled at the pointedness to her tone, “really? how odd, to have a visitor so late.”

her mouth opens, but another speaks before she does.

“sorry if i caused any trouble.”

he paused. blinked. took a moment to register the fact that he just heard your voice in his home.

then he turned, attempting a smile. “it’s alright. your being here is unexpected, yes, but not unwelcome.”

you had clearly just gotten up, clothes rumpled and pillow creases along your hands. you nod, stepping closer, and he grasps for any viable threads of conversation.

“is the manor to your liking?”

“it’s beautiful.”

pride bloomed in his chest. “i’m happy to hear it. come sit, have some breakfast.” adelinde excused herself with a bow and he moved to pull out a chair for you, praying the action looked as natural as it felt. you accepted with a smile, and he pushes you in with relief in his when he sits. “she should return shortly with your food, apologies for the delay.”

“it’s fine,” you said, looking around the main room. he tries to find something else to talk about, already feeling the awkward silence set in, but fumbles. the last time he had someone at his table was with the traveller for the weinlesefest, and they and paimon mostly carried the conversation along. he only ever heads business discussions, or staff meetings, or interrogations, and this was certainly none of those.

“are you alright?”

he blinked away his frown, realizing too late he’d been glaring at his cup of grape juice. an instinctual response rose to his tongue, but he hesitated. maybe it was the early morning hour, maybe it was the genuine concern on your face, maybe it was the light of dawn streaming in from the windows that fell across you so delicately, as if it knew how beautiful you were.

he discarded that response, but exchanged it for another. “are you? adelinde told me you were injured.”

a lie. he hadn’t spoken with anybody about your injuries. archons, was this worse?

your smile grows. apparently not? “just a few scrapes,” you say, lifting your arm to show where adelinde bandaged you. “wolfhooks are a lot sharper than they look.”

“wolfhooks?”

you waved a hand. “i needed some for bennett, long story. don’t worry, adelinde gave me a basket for them.”

“that’s good to hear.”

and just like that, the topic was exhausted. did he bring up something else? how much was too much? what was even an appropriate topic? what did the average person talk about? not that you were average, he’d never dare-

he’s talked himself into a corner in his own head. how in teyvat did that happen?

“you’re frowning again.”

“my apologies, i’m lost in thought.” he was quiet for a moment, then continued, “a problem i’ve encountered before is more prevalent now.”

…it wasn’t the most eloquent of phrasing, but it should do.

“do you want to talk about it?”

does he? how would he even put this into words that didn’t make him sound… is pathetic the word?

‘i can’t talk right around you because i’m not used to talking with someone that does so in good faith’? yeah, that’s something a well-adjusted adult says.

“i don’t have the words for it,” he decides. “the words…” he takes a quick glance at you to gauge your reaction but regrets it just as fast, whatever he had to say next vanishing into thin air. it’s unfair, really, how pretty you are, his eyes fixed to yours. “t-they-“

adelinde set your plate down in front of you, blessedly saving him from the situation. “thank you for your patience. please let me know if anything is unsatisfactory.”

diluc grabs his cup as you thank her, turning away to hide behind the grape juice. he can’t even really taste it, focused on how clumsily he had spoken. were he anywhere else he’d surely be laughed out of the room, and he’s certain adelinde’s going to tease him for it later as it is.

“diluc?” he looks over at you again, keeping his gaze quick before he fumbles again.

“what is it?”

too harsh, too cruel, he’s being cold to you again-

“are you busy today?”

he thinks over his schedule. no meetings that he can remember, nor any deadlines. he’d prefer to finish up some forms sooner rather than later, but if you need him for something…

“no, i’ve got time. what do you need?”

“would you like to go to good hunter for dinner later today?”

he can only hope you accept his nod as an answer because between the knowing smile on your face and the bright blush on his, there’s no way he’s getting a word out.

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justalittleficsideblog · 11 months

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Heyy!!! I'm kinda new to tumblr... uhm.. so idrk how to work this. could you do like a touch-sensitive MC x the bros? (basically howd they react, also what i mean is like mc that'll tense up at the slighest touch but not in like a "i hate it, dont touch me there." its like a "im very surprised, but keep going." way??? sorry if this isnt the right place im like very new to tumblr- (obey me btw)

Hey anon! I did the first 3 eldest for this prompt. Let me know if you want the rest of them for this prompt! I really liked writing this, it kinda got me outta my writer's block that I'd been sitting with for a bit.

word count: 1.1k

warnings: none.

Lucifer, Mammon, and Levi with a touch starved!MC

Lucifer

he didn’t really notice it at first, hes not one to initiate much contact himself unless you do. I wouldn’t really consider him touch starved, more like he is untouchable.

as the two of you grow closer though he does notice how you shy away from large hugs or related moments from his brothers.

The two of you had been invited out to one of the popular festivals in the devildom. Lucifer, being the ever-cautious demon, made it a point to stick close to you amongst the sea of demons that were swarming the streets.

Lost from the other brothers, you stuck close to Lucifer, hovering just out of his reach but close enough that you could feel the broad scope of his shoulders behind you. As you were looking throughout the stalls, one of the more interesting food ones caught your attention, causing you to bump into a lesser demon walking by.

As you squaked an apology, you felt a sudden hand on your shoulder. Pulling you back into his chest, Lucifer snarled at the lesser demon and moved you both out the way.

You had startled at his touch. You weren’t bothered by it per se, but his broad hand grasping your smaller shoulder wasn’t something that you were familiar with.

“Does my touch… bother you?” he asked cautiously, gently lifting his hand away from you and holding it against his side. “I apologize for earlier—”

“Oh no!” you yipped. “It’s… not really like that. I don’t mind you touching me. I’m just not used to that sort of… “ you trailed off.

“intimacy?” he tried, eyebrow raising in question.

You huffed a laugh, “something like that, yeah.”

“well, then.” He started, tucking a loose strand of hair over your ear before he reached to take your hand. “Maybe some exposure therapy would work?”

You smiled, squeezing his hand back before leading him out into the crowd.

Mammon

I feel like he would be really similar in this regard. Like, he would want to touch and hold you, but anytime you brush fingertips or he grazes your side he would like flinch and run off.

So if anything you’d have to be more into giving him a gentle nudge as well. a learning experience if you will.

Ever unaware of your mutual pining, Asmo is the one that ends up giving you both a nudge, insisting that you both go to a stuffy night club with him. However, you both found yourselves tied together, Asmo nowhere in sight.

“I cant believe he just up and left us!” Mammon tossed up his hands, voice booming over the loud music and bass that reverberated through your bones.

He slammed his hands down, accidentally brushing harshly against you in the process. You noticed he jolted away, face turned as if he was looking for Asmo in the crowd of people.

You tried to shout to get his attention, but he seemed too preoccupied pretending to search the crowd. You huffed, moving against the sea of bodies to reach out for him.

Just as your hand reached out, you felt yourself get jostled by a clearly intoxicated demon. Causing you to flail and tip backwards.

A warm hand gripped your shoulders. Surprised at the touch, you scrambled forwards getting your bearing again.

Mammon threw his hands up in mock surrender, grimacing.

“Oh! I’m sorry!” you shouted over the crowd. Mammon made a confused face, and gently grabbed your fingers to lead to towards a less busy area of the club.

He immediately released his grip when you were both alone.

“Geez.. uh, sorry about that. I know you’re like.. weirded out about me touchin’ ya and all but—” he rubbed the back of his hand, eyes lowered as he spoke to you.

“What? Oh no! Mammon, please. I was just startled is all, I’m not used to being… held like that.” You smiled, gently easing your head onto his shoulder.

He tensed up beneath you briefly before relaxing into you, leaning his head on top of yours.

“How about we get out of here?” you murmured, glancing up towards his eyes.

He gave you a crooked smile, before grabbing your hand and pulling you out the door.

LEVI

I feel like with Levi, he’d be very into “accidental” brushing up against your shoulder, leaning in to show you how to use his controller or reaching across you to grab some popcorn or snacks while you watched shows.

I don’t think he’d truly realize it until you brough it up yourself. Or when he noticed you would shy away from him a bit.

He definitely got self-conscious about it. did he smell? Were you uncomfortable around him? He would sit there and worry about it and distance himself from you for a while he sat with his thoughts.

It was the second time that he cancelled plans with you that you went into his room to figure out why he was avoiding you.

You knocked repeatedly on the door in front of you, anxiously tap tap tapping your foot as you waiting for it to open. When there was no response you called out.

“Levi! It’s me, I’m coming in.”

You pushed the door open and scanned the room for him. Looking for that familiar frame you finally spotted him curled in the tub, a blanket draped over him as he stared at his D.D.D.

“Levi?” you muttered softly, tentatively walking over to him. “Is something wrong? Why have you been avoiding me?”

He huffed and turned over. “It’s nothing.”

You rolled your eyes, “It’s clearly something if you can’t even talk to me about this.”

There was a long pause.

“Do you hate it when I touch you?” The words were spoken so softly you almost had to strain to hear them.

Brows furrowed; you tilted your head to gaze over the tub.

“Any why would you think that?”

“am i… repulsive to you? You finch whenever I get too close, or shy away from me when we sit near each other.” He sounded heartbroken, his voice cracking towards the end of it.

You kneeled down by him, your cheek resting on the side gazing down at him.

“I have never been repulsed by you. It’s more of the opposite, really. I’ve just… got little experience with being touched at all, so I’m just unsure how to react when anyone gets close to me.” You paused. “I don’t… I want to be touched, though.” Your cheeks aflame, you turned away.

Suddenly, you felt yourself getting pulled in. crashing into a firm body and arms wrapping around your torso. His face was buried in your hair, and you could almost feel his grin.

“Maybe we can learn together.”

#mammon x reader #lucifer x reader #obey me mammon #obey me x reader

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owlets-outlet · 18 days

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habits you should have, regardless of beauty standards:

we all know that sex sells, and if youre like me, you refuse to be a part of it. the issue is, many of the habits that are advertized to be for the improvement of your looks, are actually really important for your health as well, often times even life saving. if youre like me, you might be unaware of this and deliberately NOT participating in them as a protest against beauty standarts, which might actually be hurting you. let me tell you which! (long post)

1. wearing sunscreen:

unless you have a lot of melanin, you should wear sunscreen every time the uv index is 3 or higher, to protect yourself from skin cancer.

why does society tell us to wear it?

i always hear 'sun exposure gives you wrinkles, freckles, sunspots, etcetc' and went 'well i dont CARE, fuck you' and never wore it.

everybody tries to sell sunscreen as 'antiaging'. its crazy how thats the biggest selling point, and not the fact that sunscreen protects you from getting CANCER.

heres the thing, you SHOULDNT care about getting wrinkles! theres nothing wrong with them, no matter how 'premature' they are!

why you should actually wear it:

you should care about skin cancer though. asides from melanoma, which has very low survival rates, other skin cancers, while not as deadly, can then spread to different organs and *cause* other deadly cancers.

okay, im new to sunscreens, what should i do?

well first, let me say that mineral vs chemical doesnt really matter, as long as the spf is high enough. the general rule is the higher the spf, the better.

if i were to reccomend a sunscreen, it would be beauty of joseon. it has gone viral, and while i do think its overhyped, i think its a great basic. its pretty cost efficient, not sticky or smelly and doesnt burn my eyes.

you should apply spf if the uv index is 3 or higher, which you can check the levels in your area on any weather website. if youre staying outside for longer than 2 hours, you should reapply.

you dont have to wear suncreen indoors! your windos block most uv rays.

your face needs at least a quarter of a teaspoon to be fully protected. of course the amount varies depending on the size of your face, but usually two fingers are enough to protect your face:

to save as much sunscreen as possible, try to stay in the shade and and cover your body when going outdoors!

before you go to sleep, you should remove your spf by double cleansing!

2. working out:

why does society tell us to work out?

the most common answer is: to lose weight. the get a 'desirable' body shape. to get a 'healthy' body shape.

there are many scientific papers that talk in depth about how your weight isnt indicative of your health, so i am going to spare you, and i certainly dont need to go in depth about how nobody should conform to societys beauty standards.

another thing worth pointing out is that often times, exercise cannot actually give you the shape you want. there are many factors to this, such as genetics or hormones, but the fact is, exercise often just wont help you archieve the ideal body shape anyway.

why should you actually work out, then?

many reasons!

-being in shape (metaphorically, not literally) will make moving around easier and you'll get less tired perfoming your daily tasks.

-working out improves mood and helps with brain fog

-increases energy levels (ironically)

-good for cardiovascular health, digestive health, good for bone heath: that means that as you age, you are more likely to retain more of your mobility than if you didnt work out, and your body will in general be happier

-sometimes it helps you socialize, participate in community etc.

how to get into working out?

now, this is the fun part: there is no wrong way to go about this!

you dont need to do a specific type of working out! in fact, just pick whatever suits you!

you can run or go for walks. dance in your living room or attend dance class. shadow box. go to the gym to box.

lift weights or do at home calisthenics, do chloe ting workout videos, climb trees, go for a bike ride, whatever!

just keep moving! you should workout a few times a week :) you dont need any fancy equipment or clothes.

3. eat healthy

now, this one may be different definition of a healthy diet than youve heard of: you shouldnt eat less, but more. the biggest adjustment to your diet shouldnt be removing things but adding things.

you should eat a lot of vegetables, as well as proteins, sugar and fats.

you can keep your fries and a burgers, but you should add a salad as well!

maybe you grew up believing that you dont like healthy things, like fish or collard greens, but you might be living in a lie :D

i reccommend trying new recipes, you might be surprised!

a good diet will have similiar effects to working out- its very important to nourish your body so that it can work properly.

#health #beauty standards #healthy habits #glowing up #glow up #living longer

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yuridovewing · 6 months

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(The BreezyP apologist anon) oh god I completely forgot that the ashfur apologists used that argument back in the day! Honestly I remember being deep in that discourse back in the day (defending Squilf of course) and since again like 12 years I've taken the fandom's current aditudes abt assfur for granted. Honestly I'm so glad that we've all for the most part moved on from blaming Squilf for all that. I know there are some people who still hate squilf for that, but I have them blessedly blocked

Can I just say that BreezyP is such a cute nickname for Breezepelt? It sounds like a vitamin drink. Breezepelt wants you to take care of yourself and hydrate while you exercise.

LMAO no that's fair, I can understand forgetting that. I just have the tendency to get my mind trapped in that era of the fandom cause that's the last time I was really and truly active in it sdlfssfdlk.

I'm literally so excited to get to TBC honestly. I know from secondhand exposure that it probably won't be perfect and may not handle the conflict all that well, buuuuut just the effect it's had on the fandom makes me excited for what goes on in it. Also I love possession tropes and from what I've heard, Ashbramble's flavor of it is RIGHT up my alley. (In an old draft of my PMD fic I literally had something like that happen where the ghost mistreats the host's body through abuse and negligence and even though its not in there anymore, idk I'm excited to see how it's handled there).

I'm glad the fandom is somewhat better about Squilf. It's honestly a miracle we've gotten people to see that a popular well-loved writer's pet male character is actually awful in several ways. It's lovely to finally get some love for her, even if it's just from the fandom (no I am not taking Squirrelstar as fanservice when they are going "ISNT THIS AWFUL AND STUPID???" in canon every five minutes from what I see. I mean it's awesome on paper but I've seen people try to say that it's a writer redemption and proof Squilf fans are entitled and blind about her treatment and I'm sorry I can't do that.)

#last bit isnt directed at you i just went on a tangent skldfdslkf #mail #anon #breezyp anon #can i give you a tag? idk if youll send anything else and obviously you dont have to or anything. i just REALLY think that nicknames cute

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foulserpent · 2 years

Text

ok. the likes:reblogs ratio on here is never going to improve, and focusing on the likes:reblogs ratio will not help you as an artist (long post under cut)

also to be EXPLICITLY clear this is talking about broad issues applicable to every artist on the site. dont use this to shut down or ignore artists of color discussing how theyre treated compared to white artists. dont use this to shut down marginalized artists in general talking about how art addressing their identity or real world issues is ignored or tokenized. these are entirely separate issues. if youre reading this and thinking “yeah, these people should stop complaining!” fuck off and block me.

but yeah:

this is a microblogging platform that is designed around individual users curating the content of a blog and of their dashboard. what you reblog is put directly onto the dashboards of the people who follow you. the reblog function is designed as the main tool of curation, with the additional ability to be a sort of "reply" function, (though the way this is applied can be garish hence why its far more common to talk in tags)

‘likes’ on this site serve little to no algorithmic function noticeable to the average user (i dont know how they affect the search function, which is a fucking mess anyway and is barely used). the ‘like’ functionally is near-EXCLUSIVELY a method of communication, saying “i like this” “ive read this” “i agree with this”. this usage is so ubiquitous that most people will never actually look Through their likes, and may use drafts to save posts instead

with this in mind, the reason likes will always outstrip reblogs is that ‘liking’ is a very simple form of communication, while ‘reblogging’ functions as much as a tool as it does for communication. if someone likes a drawing but doesnt really want to reblog it, theyll "like" it to say "i like this". this is not someones confused attempt to provide you exposure, this is a form of communication.

additionally, reblogs on art will usually dwindle as they get farther from the source. most of your reblogs will be from followers who like Your work personally, understand Your takes on characters, etc, and unless a post "blows up" due to mass appeal reblogs will dwindle as the post spreads.

point being, the ratio will always be bad. there is no amount of demanding people change their behavior that will actually change how the site functions.

the goal of the “always reblog art you like” sentiment is usually for artists to get economic support, so im going to address it from this angle: if you arent getting reblogs on art without having to guilt trip people into it, you are not going to be getting many (if any) commissions at this time. thats just the reality. that doesnt make you a failure, or mean youll never get to that point, but it does mean you are not currently in a position where that’s going to happen.

reblogs also dont equal money, new followers, commissioners. like OF COURSE on a technical level, if every drawing you posted got lots of reblogs, youd likely net a follower or two, and that would add to potential customers. but thats just in theory. someone reblogging because they see "reblogs>likes" is substantially less likely to check you out and follow you than someone reblogging out of genuine interest. like most people on here dont have tons of money to throw around, so most commissions come from people who have followed you for a while and have a personal attachment to your art. the commissions i get that Arent from longtime followers are nigh-exclusively either niche aspects of my skillset, or p*rn lol.

if you are intending to make money off art (let alone an entire CAREER out of art) you absolutely need to find peace with this. if your self worth and ability to do art is wholly reliant on online engagement, you are going to get burned out before you ever get there. this isnt saying "pull yourself up by the bootstraps and WORK!!!!" its saying "if you dont find peace with this somehow you are going to not be able to make art". it sucks but this is not going to change anytime soon.

and like, part of this problem is just that its not peoples moral responsibility to be constantly providing ‘exposure’ to all art. like, the angle is that in this horrible capitalist system, we need to support each other. and yet youre also asking for this "support" to be purely transactional, for everyone who sees your art to be a customer or a networking opportunity. i think thats fair to ask when it comes to say, commission posts (which are literally About getting customers and networking), but not just every individual piece of art itself.

if you struggle with this and with self esteem from online engagement, id suggest reframing it- first of all understand that peoples "likes" (while being no substitute for real communication) are a compliment. liking and not reblogging isnt an insult, its saying "i like this (and dont necessarily want it on my blog)". would you really rather that people engage with you as an act of charity or pity than in earnest? will getting hollow reblogs from people only doing it because youll get mad otherwise actually help your self esteem?

and i know some people reading this rn might not want to hear all this from someone who they may perceive as a "popular artist". so please understand that i didnt come on here fully formed getting notes on my art (and also like, 'popular artist' on here usually means 'can pay a bill with art money sometimes'. im still living paycheck to paycheck). ive been posting art on the internet since ~2010 and ive only been able to get Any attention on my original stuff in the past few years. i got absolutely zero commissions the first few times i tried. even once my art started getting traction, it was only fandom content. if i based my self esteem on online engagement, i would have quit art before i left highschool.

so yeah, bottom line. there is no amount of asking people to change their behavior that will actually lead to a site not built for being an exposure vehicle to become one. ive been seeing variants of these posts pretty much my entire decade or so on this site. we need to collectively put that energy somewhere else

i really cant claim to know the solution, but i think one thing that weve lost that would help A LOT would be the return of like, curated blogs focusing on a specific topic. there used to be all these “fuck-yeah-[topic]” blogs that would just aggregate content about a topic, or a certain kind of art. like i used to follow ones that focused on ‘monster people’ art. theyd just scour tags and reblog any art related to the subject, and they were widely followed and engaged with, so they provided a lot of visibility to obscure artists. this form of curation is also fairly natural to how this site functions, hence why it Actually Worked to some degree

some of those blogs still exist, but they arent anywhere NEAR as central to the ecoystem as they used to be. i think individual communities on here producing these and working to get them noticed would be a HUGE help to a lot of artists

another behavior i think that Can be changed is just commenting more. like if you have a compliment in mind about someones art, say it! even if you dont reblog. i dont compliment everything i enjoy (bc i dont always have a specific compliment in mind and dont want to just bullshit one) but if i do have anything ill say it. what most people really want is communication and personal investment. of course, please dont turn this into that deviantart "dont fave without commenting" bs, this should be like. human interaction and not just another transaction.

the other aspect is how the tag system is fairly irrelevant and the search function is broken. in the past, browsing tags was a pretty standard thing for a lot of users. now, a lot of newer users dont even know the tag function still Exists outside of search. the tagging system was never super organized, but it used to be more of a thing that some tags functioned as loose communities. i think this could be improved through active intent to do so by the userbase, but theres little incentive to do so bc the tag and search system is broken.

and i dont know like Anything about web design, so im just gonna state what i would Like to see in theory, but some of this might be impractical. the search function needs to be fixed. every post tagged with a keyword should appear in searches for that keyword, none of the “only some of them seemingly at random” bullshit. there needs to be a clear and understandable algorithm to how searches are organized, with fully functional "sort by new" options, maybe “popular today/this month/all time” options based on both likes and reblogs. the search function needs to become a way that people can look for content in an organized capacity.

i also think that they Could introduce some degree of categorization for original posts. this would have to be very broad since this isnt just an art site, but you should at least be able to categorize your post as “art” and then be able to filter your searches to search for “art” results. this would re-incentivize use of the hypothetical improved search/tag system, and could be a great organizational tool if it was actually implemented properly.

ofc all that is something that tumblr staff would have to do and its not like theyre reading this or like they tend to Ever address user complaints, but i dont think wider demand for this sort of thing would hurt either. at this point im kind of just hoping for the near biblical level miracle of "potential art site designers see these sorts of complaints and create a new art platform that addresses these issues and it gets a huge userbase and we all have a great time" or "deviantart second coming". but i hope this is at least constructive and gives you something to think about . my final message, goodbye....

#oh also i hope the breaking down of the exact functions of the like/reblog features doesnt come off like #wildly patronizing #my intent was bc its jsut one of those things most people (including myself) never actually think about. but i read it over and was like #wait is this incredibly condescending

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thesunicarusfellfor · 3 years

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Hello!! Do you think you could do a part 2 of my request? An maybe a lil bit of angst with fluff where the reader comes to the mansion crying because someone hurt them?( Maybe techno or dream? Possibly jack manifold? 👀) Hopefully that's ok I just love the way you write it's so good plus it makes my day whever I read :D hopefully your day or evening is going good

imhereforfan-fic : Omg can you do another yandere tubbo x reader x yandere ranboo romantic relationship please? Maybe where they get kidnapped by the dream team? Oh and adding on to my request can it also have some cuddling towards the end haha I’m touch starved and crap lol but can it a full length fic Okay okay okay. So. I'm so damn happy people loved this fic and I got two requests that I can easily add together. I hope neither of you minds too much having your requests mixed together ^^ I deadass wanna cry from how many positive reviews I've received from Too Sweet. ALSO. I'm a little wary of making romantic fics for characters Ranboo and Tubbo so I'm gonna play with the platonic marriage, just making it really fluffy and affectionate. PS: THIS ISNT AS FLUFFY AS I WANTED IT TO BE SOOOO OOOOPS. AAAAND. TOMMY ONLY TOOK ONE OF DREAM'S LIVES IN THE FINAL DISC WAR

LIKELY TO HAVE MANY ERRORS DUE TO BAD WIFI AND LACK OF SLEEP TW: Knives (+injuries that come from knives), kidnapping, taking of canon lives, Dream being power-hungry, minor panic attack, referenced strangulation.

Part One

Too Sweet (For This World) Yandere!C!Ranboo x F!Reader x Yandere!C!Tubbo Part 2

A few months had passed since you had moved into the mansion and some... How ended up involved in Ranboo and Tubbo's marriage, as well as being Michael's mother. At first, you were quite unsure about being a wife or a mother, but you saw how happy you had made the three boys and realized how happy they made you in return. In the beginning, neither of them wanted you leaving the mansion much without either of them, but then Ranboo started to notice small and minor declines in your physical and mental health. This caused him to panic and study your symptoms for a few days straight, to the point where you didn't see him once and you were genuinely scared he had lost his canon lives to the point where you kept checking your right wrist constantly for the message confirming Ranboo's death. But thankfully you never got it. When he had figured out what was causing your health to be less than absolutely perfect, he had spoken to Tubbo about letting you out of your room more often and getting you the sunlight you needed. It took a little bit to convince him, but once the goat hybrid learned that you could, or even would, become a lot sicker, he decided to allow you to go outside without them, as long as you stayed within Snowchester. You met a man the first few days you were out, who wore white glasses with blue and red lenses, and a headset with a mic, although he ran away from you the second you introduced yourself as Ranboo and Tubbo's (platonic) wife. Foolish had quickly become your friend around the same time though, which caused Tubbo and Ranboo to be a little unsure because of how he made you laugh and smile, but they noticed how you always kept him at arm's length with friendship and almost physically. Sure you didn't mind too much when he gave you a friendly side hug or pat on the head etc, but you were never really the one to initiate the contact unless you had to. Thankfully he didn't mind your awkwardness around strangers, trust issues, or lack of social exposure, so Ranboo and Tubbo didn't have to threaten a literal god. After saying goodbye to Michael for the day and putting him down for his nap, you got dressed into something more appropriate for travelling the snowy lands that Tubbo owned. Ranboo had to go to a Syndicate meeting, and Tubbo was working more on some buildings around Snowchester, saying something about prepping things to attack Dream who apparently escaped from prison? Not sure could've been rumoured or could be true? You had no clue honestly. You trusted Ranboo and Tubbo to protect you. The crackling of a few pine branches caused you to lift your eyes from the icy water below to turn your head. Walking out of the bushes were three men and one woman, pushing their way through the branches decorated with freshly fallen snow. One of the men was your crown-wearing platonic husband, although dressed up in an outfit you had never seen before, although not too far off from his normal get-up. Ranboo had a long black cape with golden edges and a high collar, held up together by a golden chain. His vest was now a deep royal purple with an eye of ender pin clasped on his tie, and his pants were half purple half black with golden designs sewn in. Beside him was a short female with shoulder-length pink hair and nicely done dark purple and black makeup. Her outfit consisted of a thick and warm lavender sweater with dark purple pants. On her hip was an enchanted netherite sword with a diamond-encrusted handle. You were quick to recognize her as Niki Nihachu, the baker who had lived in L'Manberg, but you hadn't heard much of her since the Pogtopia war. Off to the side, was a man you recognized easily as you had only seen him a few days ago when Ranboo invited him to see Michael, Philza Minecraft. His outfit wasn't too different from what he used to wear when he was a resident in the country, except for the black and gold cape and a black mask covering the bottom of his face. Then... The sight of the final male was the one to make you visibly react. A tall and buff male with a golden encrusted netherite

chest plate and a velvet red cape with gold accents as well. There was a rather majestic crown on top of his long braided pink hair and his dark eyes were narrowed behind a set of cracked glasses... His gaze pointing directly at you. Technoblade. Giving a shaky gasp, you stood up from your spot on the edge of the dock and turned to face the visitors. "Where's Tubbo," Techno growled softly, watching as you visibly trembled under his gaze. "Techno, mate. You're scarin' the hell outta her." Phil put his hand on his middle son's shoulder before stepping in front of him, blocking him from your gaze. "Hey, (Y/n), can you tell us where Tubbo is? We just have to ask him some things." "I'm here." An almost unfamiliar voice came from beside you before a hand was placed on your shoulder. When you looked over, you saw the goat hybrid with the coldest look you had seen him wear yet. "(Y/n), please, head into the mansion." Without another glance at the piglin hybrid, you quickly scurried towards the wooden mansion, faintly hearing the worried buzzing noises of your enderman husband in the distance before you slammed the large door shut. You almost ran towards your's or Michael's room in the basement, but then realized if any of them saw you heading down there, Michael's safety could be compromised. So, you quietly sat down in the living room and curled up on the couch, trying to keep your breathing stable as you fought to keep your mind off of the fact that the man who had almost killed you was standing a few feet outside the door of your home. You pinched your eyes shut and wrapped your arms around yourself, trying your best to simulate the hugs you would usually receive from your platonic husbands after a nightmare or a panic attack. ".../n)." "../n)!" "...(Y/n)!" With a terrified gasp, you flung your arms above your head to shield yourself from any oncoming attacker but only felt a gentle touch on your knee. It took a few seconds to muster up your courage, but you slowly brought your arms down and opened your eyes to come face to face with Tubbo, who immediately sat beside you and wrapped his arms around your shaking frame. After an hour or so with your face buried into Tubbo's shoulder, you felt another pair of arms wrap around you, causing you to look up and see Ranboo burying his face into your hair, "I'm so sorry... So sorry... I didn't think they would come to Snowchester..." You murmured a small, "it's okay," to him as you sat up a bit to return the hug for a few moments. Tubbo got up, murmuring something about going to get you a snack and a glass of water, knowing you must've been hungry or thirsty from panicking. After a few moments, Ranboo let go of you and briefly explained that Phil had given him some potions to help Michael adapt to the overworld, and he needed to give them to him. He rested his forehead against yours affectionately for a few seconds before turning towards the bookshelf and walking down the set of hidden stairs after opening the secret door. Once he shut it, you shuddered and rubbed your arms to get rid of the cold chill that had suddenly washed over you. Frowning slightly, you looked around for the source of the sudden cold, only to freeze as you saw the door cracked open, allowing the snow and cold wind to slip in. Ranboo wouldn't have left the door open... "Sorry kid." A deep and growly voice came from behind you, causing you to spin around and come face to face with Technoblade. The tall tusked male watched your expression go from confusion to horror in less than seconds, "It's nothing personal. Really. I just got a favour to pay off." A scream of terror escaped your lips before everything went black. "Hey, Michael!" Ranboo crouched down to greet the small zombie piglin child as he held a few potions of varying colours in his long arms, he set them and a thermos filled with a hot drink down on the table. "I got some new drinks for you to try today! Philza made them a little extra sweeter than last time." The small child squealed and made small tippy tap noises with his

hooves against the quartz flooring before he sat on the chair. He watched as his tall father sorted through the bottles carefully before uncorking one of the light red ones. Before he could pick up the small pipette, there was an almost unearthly shriek that came from the top of the stairs. "(Y/n)!" Ranboo screamed, unintentionally startling Michael, but that wasn't his main concern as he sprinted out the door then teleporting up the stairs and pushing the bookshelf door with his sword drawn and gleaming with enchantments. In his peripheral vision, he saw Tubbo dash out of the kitchen with his axe drawn and bloodlust in his eyes. Glancing around, the only thing the two men spotted was moonlight and snow spilling through the open door. Tubbo ran out without a second thought and screamed your name at the top of his lungs as he spun around, searching for any sort of sign that would give away your location. Ranboo decided to start looking around the mansion, even though part of him grasped that you wouldn't have screamed without reason. "She's gone..." Tubbo whispered, standing in the doorway, the moonlight creating a dark shadow over his wide eyes. "Footprints are leading to and away from the house, but they disappear on the docks..." Ranboo stayed still, a violent growling noise bubbling up in his throat before escaping past his lips as both his eyes turned purple. He threw his head back and took a breath to scream all his anger out, but froze upon hearing sad whimpering. He turned his head and saw Michael standing at the top of the hidden stairs, whimpering and shaking quite violently. There was part of Ranboo that refused to move, but his brain seemed to flick onto autopilot as he walked over to the child and picked him up. "Sorry... Michael... Something happened..." "Mama?" "...Mama... Won't be home for a while..." "Wake up!" A voice growled before something sharply came in contact with your cheek, shaking you awake. Your eyes shot open and came into contact with... A smiley face? "Aha... Sleeping Beauty graces us with her gaze. It's about damn time." A harsh grip landed on your jaw, making you realize there was a dull throbbing pain in your head. "Huh... Dre... Dream..?" You whispered, barely recognizing the white mask that helped destroy your home and turn it into nothing but a crater. "W-What?" His mask was lifted up enough to the point where you could see his mouth curved up into a sadistic smile. "You, my darling pawn, are just the piece I needed to make life easier for me... I just need to raise the stakes enough for them to be... Well... Stakes. I'm sure you understand." You went to move your hand to slap the gloved hand away from your face, only to give a small whine of pain as you felt a tight pinching on your wrists, making you realize that they were shackled together and likely chained to a wall. "What are you talking about you psychop- Ah!" He tightened his grip on your face to the point where you knew there would eventually be dark bruising. "I don't think you're in a position to be calling the king any names, pawn." Screams and shrieks of pain bounced off of the blank stone walls as the two people standing outside of the door put their heads down with their eyes closed. "You still sure he's doing the right thing, George? Are you still sure... He's the good guy in this story?" "You know better than to question him, Nick." "Don't call me that."

(Y/n) (L/n) was slain by Dream using Nightmare. Life: 2/3 (Y/n) (L/n) suffocated while trying to fend off Dream. Life: 1/3

"He just took two of an innocent woman's three lives. Just to use her as a hostage to make Tubbo hand over the nukes and to force Ranboo to follow his orders... He's a stranger, George. This isn't Dream anymore... Don't be stupid." Sapnap lowered his right arm that he read the messages off of and looked in the direction of his former best friend. The screams of agony were almost haunting as they echoed through Snowchester as silence fell down upon the entire Dream SMP. Shock slipped through the veins of everyone who read the message that appeared on their right wrists. - "I'm gonna kill him..." "I'm going to activate the nukes..." - "Techno... What did you do." "I owed him a favour. What he does after that is none of my business." - "...Isn't that Tubbo and Ranboo's wife?" "Yeah... She was my friend..." - "Tubbo's definitely not happy about this..." - "Ah... Atta girl..." Dream murmured in a mock soothing voice as he gently dragged his knife threateningly along your cheek. "Y'know... You would look better... With a smile." He leaned closer to you, the drawn-on eyes of his mask staring into your dull and tear-filled eyes as a stinging pain came from the corner of your lips. "Sh, sh, Relax... They're just shallow cuts, they won't even leave a scar. I'm not a monster." Time had passed quickly, but also excruciatingly slowly. You had no clue how long you had been down here, or how long you had been dead in between respawns. Dream just didn't seem to be leaving you alone. "Now..." He flipped the switchblade closed and threw it in his pocket before tremours shook the earth below and around you. "What the fUCK?!" He growled deeply before the door slammed open. "How did they even find this place!?" The door was blown off its hinges with a loud bang, causing Dream to duck out of the way of the flying piece of scrap. Light flooded into the room as you shut your eyes tightly, your ears ringing from the explosion. Once your eyes got a little bit adjusted, you opened them and saw five figures in the newly widened doorway. "Let's just say... It was an anonymous tip." "Sapnap?! You dare betray me?!" The black-haired male fell silent as he turned around and walked out, putting his hand on the shoulder of the tallest silhouette in the doorway as he walked by. Once you got completely used to the new light, you began to recognize the figures. Tommy, Tubbo, Foolish, and Ranboo. Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo immediately ran forward and started a barrage of attacks on the masked psychopath while Foolish ran over and began to work on the chains binding you to the chair. After getting them off of you, he silently picked you up as you turned your head to look at the blond, brunet and monochrome boys. Dream's mask got knocked off and was thrown across the room as he was pinned below a growling Ranboo, whose skin looked almost purely black from your angle. Tommy was off to the side, rummaging through Dream's equipment, he already got his revenge when Dream was put into prison, this was Ranboo and Tubbo's revenge now.

"̷̛̲̪͝Ỳ̵̧̖͒̉o̸̟̔̆û̶̩̟̍͊'̸̧̺̎̉ṟ̷̰͘ế̴͍̰̎ ̶̤͆̎̒g̶̭̋̇o̸͍̐͑i̸̼̟̾ņ̷͊̈́̈́ĝ̷̰̤̈́ ̵̘̉t̵͖͠ȯ̸͎ ̴͎̐̈́r̸̰͙̾̑͝e̸͚͌͑g̴̛̗̦͑ř̷̳̳̱e̵̲̿̕ṫ̶̨͓͗ ̷̢͊E̷̬̪͒͊͂V̷̟̒͝Ë̸̜R̷͐̄̏ͅ ̶̲̟̤͗͋t̴̝̎o̵̖̐ư̴̞̾̇c̶̡̙̐h̵̹̜̣̒͂̂į̴̙̤͠n̴̤̼̻̅̚ǧ̵̹̙̌͜ ̵̥̞̏m̶̱̳̦͗̌y̴̱̮͒̒̄ ̶̮̈͑͆f̸͉̽̄à̵̹͠m̵͕̓̅͋í̸͇̩͔̿l̷̰̫̳͗͑y̸̡͌̊́.̶͓̇͝"̸̡͆ ("You're going to regret EVER touching my family.") Ranboo hissed lowly before he and Tubbo began applying weight to the sword pressed against the speedrunner's chest. You shut your eyes tightly for a moment before you felt a bottle press into your hands, causing you to re-open your eyes to see Foolish trying to hand you a healing potion. You eagerly took a small sip from it, feeling the small slices on your cheeks form back together and the pain from the bruises around your neck vanishing completely.

Dream was slain by Ranboo and Tubbo using Ranord

There was a clattering noise before two sets of footsteps running in your direction. Slowly tilting your head in their direction, you saw Tubbo with dark bags under his eyes and Ranboo with plenty more scars on his cheeks from tears. You were pulled from Foolish's arms and brought down to sitting on Tubbo's and Ranboo's laps, their arms completely wrapped around you. The goat hybrid was nuzzled under your chin while the enderman's face was buried in your hair. "We should have come sooner..." "We shouldn't have even left you alone in the mansion..." "I'm sorry... I should have never left the manor..."

#tubbo x reader #yandere tubbo x reader #ranboo x reader #yandere ranboo x reader #mcyt x reader #yandere mcyt x reader #mcyt #ranboolive #ranboo #tubbo #dream smp #dsmp #ranboo dsmp #ranboo dreamsmp #tubbo dsmp #tubbo dreamsmp #tubbo mcyt #ranboo mcyt

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shattered-catalyst · 3 years

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OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person. Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

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So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame. The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

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You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder.

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To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD. Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

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Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma.

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point.

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Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening,

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

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Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes.

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs.

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

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Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those. Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

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Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

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Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

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False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

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Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest.

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Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

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Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible.

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

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pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

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Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

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Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness. There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence.

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

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Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities. There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype.

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

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Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

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Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD. With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows.

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day. That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things.

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Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

#OCD #writing help #OCD resources.#*drops 10 pages onto your dash* whoops

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puppycharmz · 3 years

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Pls tell me about your enderman OC their so cute

HI OK SO MY DUMBASS PASSED OUT DUAHRJNWN IM AWAKE NOW SO I CAN ANSWER THIS!!!!

so!!! Ward, when they first met Rudy and Pip, didnt have a name! cause ysee, in my hc (which this minecraft story will be full of hehrhqhefj) endermen are a part of a hivemind meant to serve under the ender dragon! that feeling isnt as strong in the overworld, and this is ESPECIALLY true for Ward!!! cause heres another thing- Ward had been a player at one point.

ve had managed to make it all the way to the end, get into the end dimension (the one with the chorus fruit and cities), and...got stuck. they were low on supplies, so in order to stay alive they had to get whatever was in the chests and eat the chorus fruit. pronlonged exposure to a fruit that makes you teleport is bound to have some...side effects. so after long enough, ward's body got so accustomed to the fruits it just. bam. potion of ender your man. forget who you were before, you're under the dragons rule now!

ANYWAYS, they get added to the hivemind, but occasionally the dragon sends some endermen into the overworld to gather blocks (expand da land in the end yknow) so Ward gets picked to go! yeehaw! ve get there, and they dont. really know what to do hegxhjqf...the hivemind instinct isnt as strong with vem, so they were lost as to what they needed to do for the dragon. so they just settled for wandering around! found a nice cave to be in when it was rainy, and that's how ve found Rudy and Pip!!

As to how they got their name, ve had found a music disc not long after meeting the two of them in a dungeon- Ward (duh). they had asked Rudy to play it and immediately got hit with old memories. why? because that was one of the first discs they had found while they were more 'human', so there would obviously be some memories attached to it. not enough to piece together their old life, but just enough to remind them that they weren't always like this!

anyways that's all I have so far hqhfjqjr <:)!!! most of this stuff is bullshitted but I think that pip and ward's stories are the most fleshed out so far (I dont. think I've shared pips yet either so 😏)

#not art #ask #answer #anonymous #bug chitters #oc #my oc #minecraft #minecraft oc #mc oc #ward the enderman #enderman #enderman oc #i feel like im fludding these tags hehdhjr anyways #YEAH i fell sleepy last night so i didnt get the chance to see this until this morming but you let me indulge 😏

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beelspillowpet · 3 years

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I just wanted to explain why a lot of people don't reblog these days. You have every right to be mad and you're free to complain and talk about it. I think that you're very talented but the reason why me and a few others won't talk like this on your Discord is because we don't want to get kicked. You're a nice and talented person but when it comes to confrontation and/or even slight criticism you tend to take it extremly personal and then everything gets out of control

you clearly havent seen any conversation happen proper ever in that server than so im just going to ignore this moving forward

i dont take it very personal in a wrong way. i tend to listen instead of get angry. you absolutely dont know what youre talking about and i dont have the energy to try and educate someone on something they could just observe plainly and figure out for themselves.

content creators give you guys stuff for mostly free and the very least anyone could do who enjoys it is to reblog it in hopes that they get the exposure and attention they deserve. likes just dont do enough to help anyone.

plain and simple, if you cant talk to me about this on discord, doing it on tumblr wont do you any amount of good. it only does worse.

making excuses does not help you when all anyone asks for is for any individual to do 3-4 clicks minimum to help an artist. it doesnt disrupt the flow of their blog, its not a break in aesthetic if its just one post even; these are excuses for the spoiled to consume content while the person making it gets very little back in return. how is that fair?

and ill say it again; you really dont know what youre talking about if you feel the need to come and talk to me about how 'i take things personally' and youre afraid of getting kicked. when have i ever done that? the only people who have been banned from the server have been banned for breaking the privacy rule of the void, and being downright disrespectful to me or other members of the server. simply disagreeing with me isnt even worth the effort of banning you or kicking you, when all ive done to avoid someone in my OWN SERVER is block people ive been annoyed with for a short duration of time. so you have no idea what youre talking about and id advise you not dig the hole any deeper

#talking utter shit #for what?#unprovoked as fuck #and worried over literally nothing that any anything to do with you #please find something better to do

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la5t-res0rt · 4 years

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i was just sent a post from the blog who must not be named it was a post reblogged from someone who ive added to my list of really bad people but one of the things that struck me was a tag i saw in the post

antis seek therapy

we do

we do seek therapy often to combat the trauma some of us have endured through being groomed and being abused we spend time on ourselves to heal we find ways to cope and enjoy life again after it feels like parts of ourselves have been ripped from us and broken and tainted and violated

we work to be comfortable again we work to feel like ourselves again we find things we love again we allow ourselves to enjoy media again

we are taught to stand up for our own levels of comfort and to take control of the space around us we are taught mechanisms to move forward and we are encouraged to help others and support others at least thats what my therapist of multiple decades told me

we all seek shelter in our own ways and many people seek it in media its literally what so many beetlebabes shippers claim to be doing like they’re quote reclaiming some lost childhood thing unquote and yeah i think youre going about it in a terrible way that continues the cycle of pedophila and is normalizing it but thats not even what this is about right now this is about the blatant disrespect and inability to open your eyes to someone elses experience and story

so many antis are so uncomfortable with the content created by beetlebabe shippers myself included since its so similar to the material used to character veil up abuse me character veil down

we try to curate our spaces for that we say beetlebabes dni dont reblog dont put yourself in this space im making for myself but then people come in and call it gatekeeping and try to illustrate how someone is a bad person for not wanting exposure so pedophilic content like its absolutely baffling to me that people can state such a clear and simple rule and then people will whine and moan about it as if its oppression newsflash its not fucking oppression you whining slime mold being asked to not interact on the ground of pedophilia isnt fucking oppression read a book go outside and learn something anyway

people are entitled to have control over the space in which they occupy people have the control to remove people from their spaces its like ok weird metaphor but this whole ordeal with wearing masks in public spaces yes you may have the right to refuse to wear a mask and you have the right technically to harass service industry workers but the businesses that employ these workers also have the full right to not allow you in and to even remove you from the property free speech also comes with consequences this is such a simple principle like talk shit get hit metaphorically is basically the same principle

coming into someones space after they specified that that your content is something that makes them uncomfortable makes you a major asshole and also makes me think youre dumb and maybe cant read

all of that is bad enough

but to continuously berate someone and belittle their very real trauma all in the sake of you wanting to ship and post pedophilia is simply abhorrent it is truly vile behavior to come back multiple times is truly a disdainful act in my eyes and im sure im not the first person to feel this way

if youre close to people in the field of psychiatric medicine you should know better than to belittle someones trauma and as a csa survivor yourself you should have the compassion to respect someones boundaries

have you discussed this behavior with this psychiatrist husband of yours not the pedophilic stuff but this blatant disrespect and dismissal of someone elses trauma and the growth theyve achieved thanks to their therapy and counseling have you addressed this narcissistic holier than thou approach you have to discussing such serious issues with people because thats something that should be addressed along with your acceptance and tolerance and even romanticization of pedophilia in media

this is harassment and gaslighting in action folks nether receipts I hope youre taking notes because you clearly dont know what either term means and the fact that youve gone out of your way to promote this abusive behavior is yet another reason why people dislike you i can’t tag you because youve finally taken the hint and blocked me so I see no point but you know who you are also people don’t hate you because youre a woman they hate you because youre a pedophile anyway this isnt about you

back to the person im actually addressing

trauma is not an experience that is easy to read and apply to every person you yourself sourced years of trying to deal with what you went through who are you to dictate how long someone can feel pain for what theyve gone through who are you exactly to say whether or not if has been too long of a time for someones trauma to effect them you of all people should know that this shit doesnt go away it lingers and it grips you forever it doesnt matter if you’ve been apart from it for ten days or ten years

in one sentence you belittled a person for still being effected by their trauma and then in the next stated that the battle is life long which is it which statement do you actually beleive because it seems to me you only seem to care about your own horrible self without taking this other person into account at all because their response to their trauma was to break the cycle and work to make his space safer for himself and i beleive that takes more courage and more strength to actively oppose what hurt you rather than let it become how you cope and it becomes something you reintroduce into the cycle by keeping the its all okay attitude alive

i do not usually do direct posts its not exactly my style but i am so disgusted by what i have seen and what has been shared with me that it would be a disservice to not alert as many people as i can about your behavior

for a closing statement i will quote you

quote i hope you find your way to it instead of wasting all of your time being afraid of pictures and words on a screen, and picking fights with people who harm nobody unquote

what the fuck so you think youre doing by coming back over and over to belittle trauma denounce treatment and all around be unpleasant and high and mighty thats fucking harming people you narcissistic fool

im sorry you were hurt that fucking sucks but that doesnt give your the right for one fucking second to come into someones space where it was specified that you were not allowed and proceed to harass them and belittle them like you have done

@soeur-tiame you should be ashamed of yourself

dont bother responding as ive shown before with that transmed guy i dont like to waste any more of my time on filth than i need to

#ill be blocking you as soon as i know that youve seen this

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misterbitches · 3 years

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Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas.

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL.

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers!

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die.

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more. i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done)

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom.

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through.

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao. basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman. anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord.

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop.

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t. beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are.

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid.

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc.

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me)

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex)

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

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trigger-talk · 4 years

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🌟I dont know if this is going to sound dumb or bad or what but ive. I think at least, come to the realization that my exes name might be a trigger for me? Whenever i see someone mention or say it i just start shaking uncontrollably untill i can get my attention focused entirely on something else. even tho i know it prolly it, i just… is that normal? I feel like it is, but ive never BEEN traumatized before–i had a super sheltered, healthy childhood compared to… it seems like literally Everyone Else On the Planet sometimes.

but then i entered my very first real relationship, which lasted three years and ended around–i think it was almost exactly a year ago? And it was just. A horrible relationship. We were still only teenagers, and we were extremely toxic for each other, they emotionally manipulated me with love talk and su*cide threats and told me i was a bad person any time i even remotely disagreed with or upset them??

but because i was A year, almost 2 (weird birthdays situation), older than them, they told me and a lot of our other mutual friends that i was the only one who was abusive, and completely shut me down whenever i tried to tell people about how they treated me–and i recently found out that, even tho i have them blocked, they have people stalking my blog and theyve been vague posting about me and trying to get certain fandom groups to shun me, so i cant even vent about this fear on there bc theyll say im being manipulative and shitty, and i don’t know what to do or how to feel about it.

i know i wasnt the best partner, and that I should have known better, but i was a dumb teenager who /didn’t/ know any better because id never been in a relationship before, so i know i shouldn’t be blaming myself s, but i cant tell if this even counts as.. really being traumatic? Is it bad enough for me to “get to use” the word trigger in regards to how their name makes me feel? Is that even what triggers make people feel, is there another word for it that i dont know about, it is just extreme paranoia???

Im sorry if this isnt the best/right blog to go to, it was just.. the only one i could find that gives any kind of advice AND has been at all active at all in the past 2 months-a year. Im sorry if this is too much, like, to process,and if you just want/need to delete it for your own mental health reasons, i understand completely, i just… am desperately searching for a place to get some kind of answers or validation or clarification or. Anything at all, really??

Im sorry for sending this as a submission too, i just think it really requires the context and i didnt want to flood your inbox with numbered asks bc i know that ce be annoyingto deal with–Thank you if you can answer, and if not, i hope you have a really good day regardless, Mods! The blog is a blessing that seems to have helped a lot of other people, so great work!

Mod Meep’s Response: Hi, love, I’m so sorry this is a bit delayed. I’m going to start at the top and work my way down:

Yes, that definitely sounds like a trigger for you, that is a very common response to seeing/hearing one. And triggers can happen to anyone, not only is there no shame in having one even if you had a Healthy Childhood, I’m glad you can recognize what it is and seek out help.

Your ex does sound very abusive and honestly dangerous. I don’t know the whole situation but if they do ever try anything towards you, you might consider legal action against them - even if it’s only to stop the vague hate.

I promise it’s okay and what happened to you is not your fault, not in the slightest. You were young, you make mistakes when you’re young, and even if you did make mistakes you were hurting at her hands and that needs to be addressed. Suicide baiting, false claims of abuse, negative and violent talk, all of that is extremely hurtful and traumatic and not something that you’re faking. It’s not just extreme paranoia - and even if it was, your emotions and feelings are valid and there are ways to make them easier to deal with. For example, if you have the funds and resources you may want to try a therapist, which might help you move on from the relationship and get you help. If not, there are online resources, or you could try exposure therapy with maybe an online consult first. I would advise against any sort of treatment without talking to a doctor first but understand that’s not always possible.

It’s totally fine that you sent it as a submission, I promise it is, you could’ve sent it by homing pigeon and we would’ve answered :D. I don’t know if its the best blog to go to but I hope this response helped, we’re not experts here but maybe this will point you in the right direction. And thank you, I’m so glad we could help some people!

-Mod Meep

#mod meep #therapy #abuse #tw abuse #tw suicide mention #tw triggers #triggers #submission

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disanddatmedia · 5 years

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To all in the cold snap!

every dam winter it can reach -45 easy here, here are some tips for yall:

-layers, and cover everything possible, if you put on one big thick layer, you could start to sweat, if that happens that sweat will make you feel colder due to sweat being a liquid which can freeze so its best to have many layers which you ccan remove and put back on easily

-to treat frost bite do NOT use hot water, use water which is slightly warm and warm that water to warm

-hands in the pits helps

-cover your mouth, this will help make the air you breath in warmer

-wear actual winter boots, not crappy stuff like uggs or running shoes

-keep electronics inside layers, they will start to crap out the longer they are out

-it might be good to wear sunglasses to block the bright refection from the ice

-walk like a penguin, this will prevent falling hard

-carry hot packs for your hands

-if ice starts to build up on exposed skin (which sucks believe me), first try to remove ice, then start warming with something that is body temperature (someone who isnt so cold hands perhaps), once that is done for a bit check the colouring of the area, if area is your normal skin colour or slightly red you should be okay, if its looking more like a bruise and/or the skin was spiltting, go see a doctor, either way if the area starts to wrinkle like the next day, fear not the dead skin is just trying to get off, be patient.

-drink tea, coffee, hot coco, or eat a hot meal, dont eat ice cream you idiot (unless staying inside, and youre already warm then i dont care)

-your body burns calories, if you are cold af and want to eat something, higher calories will help as its more energy your body can burn (just again, eat/drink something warm/hot NOT cold)

-that being said if you are to drink water, cold water like fridge cold water, only exception.

-if you leave the house after a shower, please for the love of god make sure your dry, like 100% dry

-plan your route, and try to travel in cover from the wind, go into business to warm up if needed to as businesses will usually let you do so (even if youre not allow to be in ex. mirror in a liquor store, im sure they will allow you to come in to warm up) if no business, ask a homeowner if you could warm up for a short bit before continuing, be nice about it.

if you are driving, some tips:

-if possible, change oil to an 0w type, the grading system on oil is this: (degree)w (thickness), so example, 0w 30 would be a thickness of 30 at 0 degrees (im Canadian so oil might be different in America but same idea)

-plug your vehicle in, no matter the type of fuel or type of vehicle plug it in, in fact diesel will have a harder time based on how they work. the plug is on the front of the vehicle and its to keep the engine oil from freezing so it can start up.

-start your car, even if its a few times before driving and make sure the heat is on window at full heat, window might crack but its much better than driving when frost is on the windshield on the inside (which a scraper is not designed to do)

-if your vehicle has alot of electronics (push start, digital speedometer etc.) you need to start it more

-put weight in the back of your vehicle like bags of road salt, this will help the tries (which better be winter and studded) dig into the ice more, just because a vehicle has 4x4 does not mean you will be fine (currently mine is in 4x4 but with the ice one the road it drives like its only 2 wheel drive). DO NOT USE SAND AS SAND WILL FREEZE AND IF YOU GET STUCK YOU WONT BE ABLE TO SPREAD IT OUT, USE SALT INSTEAD

-windshield washer should be the lowest temp you can find and use very wisely

for your home:

-dont open the windows

-make sure all areas of the house is warmer than freezing

-if there is exposure pipes, try to put heaters to those pipes, run antifreeze throughout those pipes and dont use them if not important; if important run hot water every so often, cover them with blankets or pipe insulation, and keep an close eye on those pipes as they could very easily burst even if theyre an non-metal pipe.

-keep windows and unimportant doors sealed, and make sure heat is able to get to them; currants are open, towels at the bottom seal.

-salt your driveway/pathway, whatever you walk on, do it but make sure not to be out for too long at a time.

Be safe, all tips are just tips ive thought to be helpful and went through myself living in northern Canada for 11 years now, be smart, stay warm

#coldweather #stay safe #tips #polar vortex #tips from an Canadian #its cold #freezing #too cold #stay warm

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artzom-b · 6 years

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THE RAMBLING HOUR: Tumblr

remember this?? for all my first followers??? got in a lot of trouble for doing some of these because it was like

and it usually got me less followers in the end =w= but since tumblr is buring to the ground might as well take the time out of my night to complain about it.

I joined tumblr in 2014 with my first blog Kantome and i enjoyed almost everysecond of it...till i didnt.

it wasnt tumblr i wasnt enjoying, looking back on it i dont think i ever ran into as any weird people on that blog compared to this one! but then again i wasnt that out in the open in 2014 either.

During those years i had already put my furry days behind me, i was no longer interested in begin a furry and since most people I knew that knew about them at the time looked down on them AND furry art i gave up on the entire fandom until around 2017 when I discovered my favorite artist till this day @yogurtart (go follow if you want! ps he blocks porn blogs) they sorta gave me a different look on furry art. I could go into deeper detail but we’ll go into furries and the pros and cons and how most of the stereotypes hurt a pretty good community on a later post.

ANYWAYS once I discovered them i wanted to give furry art another shot and wanted to change my name anyways and in 2017 made Artzom-b in which i made a shit ton of furry characters that i honestly miss drawing I even adopted a character and due to most of that artist work begin trans made the character trans as well making him my first trans character! Which made me super nervous because i was afraid of offending someone but everyone loved him most were happy that he looked like an actual guy then just a guy with tits yah know?

Now why bring up my life story of tumblr? How am I effected? I dont draw nsfw on my main blog so what does it matter to me?

Welp pals alot of my followers are nsfw blogs, which sounds bad but it actually isnt. A LONNNGGGGG time ago i made a post defending nsfw artist but to sum it up they are still artist and if thats what they like to draw let them, dont bash on them for it which is exactly what tumblr is doing. Once these rules are set in place my follower count will tank and it sucks because most of the nsfw blogs that I have talked to over the years were good people! I havent had any unpleasant encounter with an nsfw blog UNLESS it was a bot! Of course there were the pedophiles who i never got the pleasure of meeting and im glad tumblr is trying to take a step to fix it but...this aint it chief.

I explained this in a previous post but tumblr is like that one guy everyone hates but we’ve all learned to accept them. OF COURSE they did wrong shit that is our job as their reluctant friends have to fix but we wont just abandon them because what are friends for? then one day tumblr just stabs you in the back basically telling us they dont need us anymore and they can fix themselves, so we watch from the side as they make bad decisions to attempt to better themselves alone and all we can do is walk away.

Tumblr doesnt realize the gravity of the situation for artist. Like the platform for tumblr is unique, if utilized properly its good for exposure for us artist but once tumblr is shut down alot of artist who set shop here will be looking at a crisis. I’ve seen several artist confused on where to go next (including myself) and others who dont know how to make ends meet with out an audience who can support them when they need it.Its sad really.

What makes matters worse is that a few lgbt blogs are begin targeted along with furries and a few innocent blogs that literally done nothing wrong! Their bot is already broken! In the end of the day tumblr needs to step back and take back what it was a shitty website everyone shit on mostly because it was ironic and in reality just needed a little more control over the content but not just blocking content all together just because they cant find a way to properly fix it.

Anyways I could go all night but the older I get the less energy I have to be the angry blogger guy so I’ll just call it there.

Good luck to my fellow artist who are getting attacked worse the me.

and good luck to you tumblr hopefully you get the help you so desperately thrive to get.

Reblog this or dont either way it goes it doesnt really matter who argues against me at this point.

#Art Speaks #the rambling hour

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courtinggrievances · 7 years

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[[I’m gonna... take this time to put up a log kk had with eri this morning. this was rushedly formatted and it took me a bit to figure out how, so there might be some random < p > or something in there

PS: any formatting we did have from the discord got... erased so.... that sucks but you’ll get the point, even if they both get a bit, uh, runon? we tried to figure out a solution but right now i want to sacrifice quality for speed cause i need to sleep and we can fix it later if we really gotta]]

eridan | mags - Today at 7:37

so uh hey kar howwvve you been

Court (Kam) - Today at 7:42

HEY! NOT TERRIBLY TERRIBLE, IF I'M HONEST. IT'S NOT GETTING ANY COLDER, AND THE DRONES HAVEN'T CAUGHT US YET, SO THERE'S THAT.

eridan | mags - Today at 7:43

that doesnt relievve me all that much if im bein honest but alright i guess at least theres that just try and not get killed alright

Court (Kam) - Today at 7:43

HEY, WE'RE THINKING THE SAME THING HERE. I MEAN, I'M NOT RELIEVED AT ALL, BUT IF ANYTHING ELSE, I'VE STILL GOT MY LIFE, HAHA. FUCK, YOU KNOW I'M LITERALLY A FUGITIVE RIGHT? LIKE IF I WAS ON YOUR ALTERNIA, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT'D BE FOR A DRONE TO MATCH MY PROFILE UP IN THE DATABANKS AND SWOOP DOWN TO CARRY ME OFF IN ITS GRUBBY LITTLE CLAWS? LIKE I'LL TRY, BUT HEY. NO PROMISES.

eridan | mags - Today at 7:45

yeah ill nevver bring you to alternia thats for sure

Court (Kam) - Today at 7:45

I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF LOOKING FORWARD TO THE EARTH TRIP, HONESTLY. I'VE BEEN DOING "RESEARCH". IS IT TRUE THE SUN DOESN'T BURN YOUR SKIN THERE???? WHAT DO THE HUMANS DO AT NIGHT? IS IT TOO COLD, THEN, FOR THEM TO THRIVE? IS THAT WHEN THEY SLEEP, OR IS THAT WHEN THEY GET THE MOST OF THEIR WORK DONE?

eridan | mags - Today at 7:47

god you really are excited for it huh

Court (Kam) - Today at 7:48

FAR BE IT FROM ME TO SHOW ACTUAL EXCITEMENT, YOU KNOW. HEH. DEFINITELY, THOUGH. WHY SHOULD I NOT BE? I'M SPENDING TIME IN A NON-MURDEROUS PLACE WITH AN ACTUAL, HONEST TO GOD, NON-MURDEROUS FRIEND. LIKE HOLY ACTUAL FUCK, THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN ENOUGH. EXCITED? EVERYTIME I THINK ABOUT IT I KIND OF JUST... THROW MY HANDS IN THE AIR. WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I GOT NO FUCKING CLUE. BUT IT'LL BE GOOD, I'M SURE.

eridan | mags - Today at 7:50

wwell good ill try my best to make it good for you so you get to havve a fuckin break for once but yeah its kinda flipped on earth wwhich i still cant get used to to be honest i havve the wworst sleepin problems the sun feels great there but i still cant bring myself to sleep normally at night

Court (Kam) - Today at 7:51

ALLOW ME TO SHOW A SMIDGEN OF CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOU BUT, HEY, I DON'T CARE IF WE DON'T EVEN LEAVE YOUR HIVE. I'LL RAID YOUR FOOD STORAGE BLOCK AND CRASH ON THE COUCH AND MAYBE WATCH YOU DO SHIT AND WE'LL BE GOOD. HELL, IT FEELS "GREAT"? CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE. OUR SCHEDULES ARE KIND OF FLIPPED ANYWAYS, HONESTLY. WE TRAVEL DURING THE DAY A LOT, BECAUSE MOST TROLLS (ORPHANERS AND THE LIKE,) WON'T TRAVEL DURING DAY, SO WE GET A HEADSTART ON THEM. CAN'T OUTRUN THE DRONES THOUGH. MISERABLE EXCUSES FOR ORGANICS. JUST HAVE TO HOPE THEY DON'T CHASE US, DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT SO FAR. I THINK WE LOST MOST OF THEM WHEN THEY RAIDED KANAYA'S HIVE AND RAZED IT TO THE GROUND? BACK WHEN I GOT MY SECOND CONCUSSION... OR FIRST, I'M NOT SURE, THAT PART IS KIND OF. BLURRY. IT WAS A LOT OF WAITING IN A DARK, WATERY CAVE. NO, SECOND, ACTUALLY. OR MAYBE, AN EXCARBATION OF THE FIRST, BECAUSE I GOT THAT ONE WHEN I GOT SLAMMED INTO A WALL BY A DRONE, EARLIER THAT... WEEK? LIKE THREE CYCLES BEFORE THE HIVE-RAZING, AND THEN I GOT HIT IN THE HEAD AGAIN WHEN WE WENT DOWN THE ROCKY WATER SLIDE OF DEATH WHEN THE DRONES ATTACKED THE HIVE. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. LIKE I SAID. BLURRY.

eridan | mags - Today at 7:56

ok this is a lot first off wwere absolutely gonna go outside and do cool shit ill showw you the city and stuff like theres this space needle that ivve honestly nevver been on evven though ivve been livvin here for a wwhile but you should see it its like a huge towwer wwhere you can see the entire city from its supposed to be real pretty but its also real pricey so i wwas nevver interested second howw the fuck do you evven travvel at day dont you get burns or anythin isnt that shit dangerous i mean yeah its dangerous already for you to travvel at night but like i dont knoww be safe ok readin shit like this makes me wwanna practise usin my rifle again honestly

Court (Kam) - Today at 7:59

IT WAS WORSE WHEN WE HAD TO TRAVEL THROUGH THE DESERT.

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:01

I BOUGHT REALLY NICE SUN GEAR BEFORE HAND, AND I ALREADY HAD MOST OF MY BLISTERS IN THE TWO-HOUR TREK TO TEMP'S HIVE BEFOREHAND. I GUESS, ONCE YOU BLISTER UP ENOUGH, YOUR SKIN GETS USED TO IT. THEN YOU JUST SWEAT TO DEATH. I'M STILL 99% SURE WE'VE ALL SHORTENED OUR LIFESPANS BY SOME DEGREE, THOUGH. UNFORTUNATE BUT COULDN'T BE HELPED. BURNS GET CAUSED BY THE CONTACT OF THE HEATSOURCE TO YOUR SKIN- IF YOU GET TOO HOT, YOU BAKE AND BLISTER UP BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY BURN, WITHOUT ACTUAL EXPOSURE TO THE RAYS OF THE SUN, LIKE WHEN YOU WEAR HEAT GEAR. WITHOUT IT, OH YEAH. HELL YEAH, YOU ABSOLUTELY BURN AND IT'S HORRIFIC, BUT WE'RE ALL PAST THAT POINT. WE'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR.... ALMOST HALF A SWEEP? WE TRY TO FIND SHADE WHERE WE CAN. RIGHT NOW IT'S COLD AND PATCHY SNOW SOMETIMES, WHEN THE SUN ISN'T OUT. IT'S SOMEWHAT TOLERABLE THIS FAR NORTH, THE SUN I MEAN.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:06

howw the fuck are you not dead yet holy shit

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:06

TEMP REFERS TO ME AS A "BRICK WALL SHITHOUSE".

eridan | mags - Today at 8:06

pretty accurate can i ask you somethin though howw did all of this start the runnin i mean

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:15

I ACTUALLY PASSED OUT ONCE IN THE DESERT, WHILE WE WERE TRAVELING TO KANAYA'S HIVE, AND TEMP HAD TO CARRY ME. ALSO, YEAH. THIS IS TOP SECRET SHIT, OKAY?

eridan | mags - Today at 8:16

god

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:16

DON'T JUST GO TELLING THIS SHIT TO JUST ANYONE.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:16

i dont evven knoww wwho to tell honestly

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:16

I GUESS TEMP PINGED HER BATTLESHIP.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:16

they cant really do much wwith this information

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:17

GOT EVERYTHING. LOCATION COORDINATES, CABIN ROSTER, EVEN THE FUCKING MENU FOR THE FOOD LINE. ANNNDD I GUESS TEMP FIGURED OUT HIS ANCESTOR IS THE UNWILLING PILOT FOR THAT SHIP. OBVIOUSLY SHE DIDN'T LIKE THAT SOMEONE GOT THROUGH THE SECURITY ON HER SHIP. BUT BEFORE SHE DID ANYTHING, TEMP CAME TO ME, AND I NOT-SO-LIGHTLY SUGGESTED WE LEAVE TOWN. AS WE LEFT HIS HIVESTEM, WE SAW THE GAGGLE OF HIGHBLOODS IN UNIFORM FORCING ALL THE PSIONS THEY COULD FIND OUT OF EVERY BLOCK IN THE NEARBY VICINITY AND INTO CHAINS. TEMP DIDN'T THINK SHE WOULD BE THAT QUICK IN PINPOINTING HIS LOCATION BUT I FUCKING KNEW BETTER. ANYWAY, HE COULDN'T SIT WITH THE IDEA THAT HE'D CAUSED THESE THIRTY-SOMETHING PSIONIC TROLLS TO BECOME ENSLAVED OR TO REACH AN EARLY ASCENSION AND RITES OR WHATEVER, SO I BASICALLY WENT IN AND KNOCKED THE SHIT OUT OF SOME OF THE FUCKS, BROKE THE BINDINGS, AND JUST FUCKING RAN. BUT THEN THEY KNEW WHAT I LOOKED LIKE, SO WE WERE BOTH RUNNING FROM HER AND FROM THE LOCALS.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:23

so basically it wwas your mate bein a curious idiot that got you into this situation

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:23

WE WENT BACK TO MY HIVE, RAIDED MY SHIT, AND THEN WE CROSSED THE CITY IN THE SEWERS FOR THE DAY AND THEN HEADED OUT OF TOWN, STAYED AT A MOTEL FOR A FEW NIGHTS, AND HEADED OUT TO THE DESERT, AND THERE'S JUST A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT FROM THERE. IT'S MOSTLY BULLSHIT ABOUT THE COVERUP OF WHAT I'M DUBBING THE ANCESTRAL REVOLT AND THE WRONGFUL IMPRISONMENT AND SLAUGHTER OF THOSE WHO PARTICIPATED IN IT. TEMP'S JUST ALL WOUND UP BECAUSE HIS ANCESTOR IS STILL ALIVE AND SUFFERING AND GOD. I MEAN DIP'S ALL WELL AND GOOD, HE'S GOTTEN US OUT OF A FEW PICKLES SO FAR. BUT MESSAGES ARE SPARSE, AND IT WORRIES TEMP, I GUESS. BUT YEAH, BASICALLY.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:25

so wwhats your plan are you just gonna run forevver

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:26

DO YOU WANT THE LONG ANSWER OR THE SHORT ONE.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:26

givve me the long one im invvested

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:27

WE JUST RECENTLY LEARNED THAT SHE'S CALLING ALL THE PSIONS TO HER IN A CLASS-ACT LEVEL OF BULLSHIT, EVERY SINGLE!! FUCKING!! PSION!! INTERPLANETARY SHIPPING IS HALTED, SHE'S LAID SIEGE TO ALTERNIA ITSELF IF WE CAN'T GET THE RESOURCES WE NEED FROM OTHER PLANETS EFFECTIVELY. SHE'S REARRANGED THE CLASSES OF THE STELLAR-CLASS PSIONS AND BASICALLY RESTRUCTURED THE ENTIRE ALTERNIAN TRANSGALACTIC FLEET'S INFRASTRUCTURE JUST TO KEEP DIPSHIT ALIVE. SO RIGHT NOW, WE'RE SCRAMBLING TO GET THE MESSAGE OUT. ANYONE WITH POWER NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THEIR HIVES AND GET UNDERGROUND BEFORE THEY GET BROUGHT UP INTO THE STARS TO BE USED UP AND THROWN AWAY. SHE'S EVEN TAKING EGGS, IF DIPSHIT IS TO BE BELIEVED. NO PSIONICS ARE TO BE LEFT ON ALTERNIA, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE THEY'RE ABOUT TO BECOME A CLASS A SCARCE RESOURCE.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:29

wwho the fuck evven is that dipshit youre talkin about

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:29

WHICH MEANS TEMP AND AA JUST BECAME SUPER VALUABLE TO ANYONE LOOKING. HE'S HER PILOT, THE ONE TEMP CONTACTED. I'D SAY HIS PROPER TITLE BUT I'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WITH BUZZWORDS.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:30

wwell alright

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:30

ANYWAY! SO WE'RE TRYING TO GET THE WORD OUT TO HIGHBLOODS ABOUT THIS CLASS A RESOURCE THING, SO THEY WANT TO KEEP THEIR PSIONICS ON THE PLANET, AND TO THE REST, TO KEEP HIDDEN. ANYWHERE IS BETTER, BUT IF THEY GET INTO ORBIT, THEY'RE BASICALLY DEAD IN THE WATER. IT'S THE GENOCIDE OF AN ENTIRE FUCKING CLASS, IT'S WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO DO, ALL TO KEEP HER PRIZE FROM SAID ANCESTRAL REVOLT. ANYWAY!! MY PERSONAL GOAL IS TO LEARN MORE ABOUT MY OWN ANCESTOR AND HOW HE TIED INTO ALL THIS, BUT I GUESS WE'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO PLAN, LIKE HOW WE'RE GOING TO GET NEWS LIKE THIS SHIT OUT ON A MASS SCALE. I'M THINKING OF GETTING SOME SORT OF RADIO TRANSMITTER AND GETTING THE WORD OUT FOR OUR STATION NUMBERS OR WHATEVER. LONG TERM, TEMP WANTS TO FREE DIPSHIT. SO I GUESS WE'RE GONNA BAIT THE EMPRESS PLANETSIDE. AND THEN... I DUNNO. WE'LL FIGHT, I GUESS. SHE'S SO FAR OUT, THOUGH, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:34

do you really actually think youvve got a chance against the condesce

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:34

IT'LL TAKE /SWEEPS/ TO BRING HER THIS WAY, PROBABLY, UNLESS SHE PUTS DIPSHIT AT RISK, AND TEMP DOESN'T WANT THAT AND NEITHER DO I. MAYBE NOT NOW, BUT BY THE TIME SHE GETS HERE? I'M HOPING. I MEAN, IF ALL ELSE FAILS, I'LL STAND IN THE DIRECT SUNLIGHT IN MIDDAY, WITH ALL MY RESISTANCE TO IT, AND CHALLENGE HER OUT? HAHAH. ... HONESTLY...? I THINK MY PRIORITIES LIE MORE WITH THE REST OF ALTERNIA. TEMP CAN WORRY ABOUT DIPSHIT ALL HE WANTS. BUT FOR THE REST OF US? I THINK THAT'S GOING TO BE MY MAIN CONCERN. ALL INTERPLANETARY SHIPPING IS GOING TO STOP FOR A WHILE- WE'RE SWITCHING TO FOSSIL FUELS FOR FUCKS SAKE!! SO RESOURCES ARE ABOUT TO BECOME EXTREMELY RARE, AND I NEED TO STOCK UP AND MAKE SURE WE HAVE WHAT WE NEED TO SURVIVE THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. I'VE ALREADY PUT THROUGH MY ORDER THROUGH SOME OF MY LESS REPUTABLE CONTACTS, SO I THINK WE'LL BE FINE, BUT IT'LL BE ROUGH, PROBABLY. SO THAT'S THE LONG VERSION OF THE MAIN PLAN.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:39

this is this is fuckin stupid howw can you think you can change somethin wwhy do you think its YOUR job to help evveryone your biggest concern should be that you and maybe youre friends are safe like fuck the rest they nevver did anythin FOR you and i doubt they evver wwill just get out of this fuckin place this plan is bound to fail and youll pay wwith your fuckin life

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:40

YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME, DAC. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE BESIDES MY GROUP, AND THE PEOPLE MY GROUP CARES ABOUT. TEMP HAPPENS TO CARE ABOUT THE CODEJOCKEYS, THE ONES I SAVED EARLIER FROM THE HIGHBLOOD ROUNDUP? AND I CARE ABOUT FAVORS. YOU GIVE ENOUGH INFORMATION OUT, PEOPLE ARE GONNA WANT TO KEEP YOU AROUND. IT'S... INSURANCE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME. WE NEED A NETWORK.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:42

wwell then fuckin knock that care out of him and get off this stupid fuckin planet before you actually die you dont need a netwwork you need a safe place

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:42

WE NEED PLACES TO STAY, THINGS TO EAT, PLACES TO RUN, AND YOU CAN'T GET THAT WITHOUT GIVING SOMETHING.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:42

this is not goin to wwork do you understand me

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:42

DAC. I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR, BUT I LOVE HIM, AND I'M GOING TO STAND WITH HIM.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:43

youre goin to die for it both of you

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:43

I MAY WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN YOU THINK. BUT HE WON'T. HE'S HERE FOR THE LONG HAUL, AND I... I THINK HE CAN DO IT.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:43

if you really cared about your mate youd get him to safety

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:43

BUT HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO BE BY HIS SIDE. DON'T SEND ME ON A GUILT TRIP, BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE ALREADY, I TRIED THAT. I KNOCKED HIM OUT SO HE WOULDN'T FIGHT THE DRONES, AND SENT HIM DOWN THE WATERY ROCK SLIDE OF DEATH SO HE WOULD SURVIVE AND I WOULD FIGHT THEM.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:44

try harder maybe

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:44

HE JUST GOT MAD AT ME.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:44

temp is insane

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:45

YEAH, HE IS. BUT I BELIEVE IN HIM ANYWAY.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:45

yeah cause youre goddamn stupid

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:45

I'D DO THAT FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDS.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:45

stupid is wwhat you are both of you

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:45

INCLUDING YOU, YOU KNOW. ALL YOU'RE DOING IS MAKING ME FEEL BAD, AND IT'S NOT GOING TO YEILD ANY RESULTS OTHER THAN "I CAN'T TRUST DAC WITH PERSONAL INFORMATION".

eridan | mags - Today at 8:46

im makin you feel bad cause i i nevvermind

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:48

I MEAN... I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU SHIT WHEN YOU ASK, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE ABLE TO FEEL LIKE YOU'RE JUST GOING TO TELL ME THAT WHAT I FEEL IS STUPID AND THAT I'M STUPID. BECAUSE THAT'S NOT A GOOD FEELING, KNOWING I'VE GOT TO DO THIS SHIT REGARDLESS, BECAUSE HE'S MY FRIEND AND... GOD, THE LENGTHS OF SHIT I'LL GO TO FOR HIM, I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL GOOD IF I TELL YOU SOMETHING AND YOU TELL ME THAT IT'S DUMB AND POINTLESS. I ALREADY KNOW THAT. I DON'T CARE, I'M NOT DOING IT FOR THE POINTLESS ASPECT OF IT, I'M DOING IT BECAUSE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND, DUMPTRUCK OF SHIT THAT HE MAY BE, NEEDS ME TO. ANYWAY. YOU'RE RIGHT, THOUGH. IT IS STUPID, BUT LIKE I SAID. I DON'T CARE.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:50

yeah alright

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:50

SOMEONE'S GOTTA, AND I GUESS IT'S GOING TO BE ME, BECAUSE WITHOUT ME, TEMP WILL /DEFINITELY/ DIE. KANAYA MIGHT MAKE IT ON HER OWN, BUT SHE'S STILL TOO SECLUSIVE TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE A BIG CITY, SAME WITH TEMP. BOTH OF THEM COULDN'T WEASEL THEIR WAY INTO AN UNDERGROUND FIGHTING RING IF THEY TRIED, AND I'D GET IN BASED ON MY LOOKS ALONE.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:53

yeah ok

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:55

TEMP SEES... THE SMALL PARTS OF THE PICTURE. HE'S GOOD WITH CODE AND GOOD WITH KNOWING HOW TO DO THINGS ON A SMALL SCALE. KANAYA'S GOOD WITH WEAPONS AND HAND TO HAND COMBAT, AND SHE'S A JADEBLOOD, WHICH MEANS SHE GETS EASIER ACCESS TO FOOD. PERSONALLY, I KNOW HOW TO FIGHT, AND I KNOW THE DREGS OF THE CITY LIKE THE BACK OF MY CALLOUSED HANDS. I CAN WANT TWO CRATES OF HIGHLY ILLEGAL SHIT AND KNOW EXACTLY WHO TO TALK TO AND WHERE TO GO TO GET THEM, I'VE ALREADY GOT A LITTLE NETWORK IN SOME CITIES WILLING TO BET BIG MONEY ON ME IN THE FIGHTS, AND MAKE SOME GOOD CAEGERS THAT WAY, AND I SEE THE BIG PICTURE. WHERE TO GO, ULTIMATELY. WHAT TO ASK. WHO WE NEED. WE ALL PULL OUR WEIGHT.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:56

alright

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:56

NEXT QUESTION?

eridan | mags - Today at 8:57

howw did you twwo start datin

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:57

I GOT AN ANON MESSAGE ON TUMBLR SAYING HE WANTED TO KISS ME, AND THEN IT KIND OF SNOWBALLED. HE HID FROM HIS FEELINGS FOR A WHILE AND WE TALKED IT OUT, AND I ENDED UP STORMING OUT THE DOOR BECAUSE SOME PISSFACE WANTED TO TALK TO ME ON ANON ABOUT THAT SORT OF NSFW BULLSHIT. YOU KNOW HOW THEY CAN GET.

eridan | mags - Today at 8:59

yeah

Court (Kam) - Today at 8:59

HE ENDED UP CHASING AFTER ME AND UH, HONESTLY I'M KIND OF A SUCKER FOR PEOPLE SHOWING THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO BE WITH A HOTBLOOD LIKE ME. MOST OF THE TIME PEOPLE... DON'T. I GUESS. PROBABLY. I ASSUMED IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS HEMOANONYMOUS BACK THEN, AND THAT SPELLS TROUBLE TO ANYONE WITH EYES?

eridan | mags - Today at 8:59

guess you got lucky there

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:00

BOY I THOUGHT I WAS HOT SHIT BACK THEN, ALL GREYED OUT AND SPECIAL.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:00

yeah

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:00

NOW IT'S JUST BECAUSE I'VE GOT A TINY-ASS LIFESPAN AND I'M A DEAD MAN IF MY COLOR EVEN COMES UP IN A SCANNER. AKA; TOO DANGEROUS TO WANT TO BE WITH, APPARENTLY. IT'S... NICE TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THIS SHIT, THOUGH. TEMP SOMETIMES BRUSHES IT OFF AND I FEEL WORSE. DON'T THINK HE WANTS TO FACE IT EITHER. YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:03

i try guess im good wwhen im not makin you feel like shit for openin up huh

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:03

YOU GOT IT, YEAH. ANY OTHER QUESTIONS, I GUESS? I'M OPEN TO ANSWERING.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:05

i cant really think of any to be honest you answwered evverythin i needed to knoww

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:06

ALRIGHT, WELL IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW LIKE, I DON'T KNOW. HOW TALL I AM. LIFE EXPERIANCES. WHAT'S THE BIGGEST TROLL I'VE EVER FOUGHT. THE MOST CAEGERS OR BEETLES I'VE EVER WON.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:06

howw old are you

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:07

NINE, NEARLY TEN. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

eridan | mags - Today at 9:07

wwell then youre evven younger than me

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:07

ALSO, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE, DO YOU. FUCK.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:07

recently turned ten though and yeah no i dont

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:07

I'LL UPLOAD SOMETHING TODAY OR TOMORROW OR SOMETHING.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:08

i wwas alwways satisfied wwith my imagination of you but yeah id like to see it

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:11

courtingGrievances [CG] sent file -wWzIKy1g.png- to [CA] at ??:?? DOES THAT SATISFY YOUR IMAGINATION?

eridan | mags - Today at 9:12

oh oh huh you dont you dont look as bad as i thought you wwould

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:12

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

eridan | mags - Today at 9:13

you look good is wwhat i mean

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:14

DID YOU HEAR THAT?? THAT WAS THE SOUND MY HEAD MADE AS I DROPPED MY PALMHUSK ONTO MY FUCKING FACE.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:15

wwhat wwhy

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:15

NO REASON. MY FINGERS ARE COLD. I'M SLIGHTLY TIRED. THERE WAS A WIND. I DON'T TAKE COMPLIMENTS WELL APPARENTLY.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:16

oh uh i mean i didnt say anythin really you just dont look bad you knoww and its a relief

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:16

A... RELIEF? HEY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

eridan | mags - Today at 9:21

im not friends wwith ugly people

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:21

WAIT, SO IF I WAS UGLY YOU WOULDN'T BE FRIENDS WITH ME? o:B

eridan | mags - Today at 9:22

probably i havve standards you knoww

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:23

I THINK THAT SUCKS. I'D MISS OUT ON YOUR PRESENCE BECAUSE I'D BE UGLY. NOT TO BE A FUCKING DOWNER OR ANYTHING. BUT I LIKE TALKING TO YOU, AND NOT BEING ABLE TO WOULD KIND OF SUCK.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:26

wwell you can be glad youre not then but really im not all that special

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:26

BUT ALSO, I DON'T THINK YOU MEAN THAT, BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T AS GOOD AS I LOOK. AND YOU STILL WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME. WANTED, I MEAN.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:27

people are glad wwhen they dont havve to talk to me

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:27

OKAY, LISTEN.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:27

wwell i thought you looked avverage

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:27

WE'VE BEEN TALKING PRETTY STRAIGHT FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS. IF I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, I WOULDN'T BE. WELL, FUCK.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:28

i mean youre doin most of the talkin so

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:28

SOOOO I'M RIGHT.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:30

shrug wwhatevver you wwanna think honestly

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:33

I TIHNK I'M RIGHT, AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, BECAUSE, OCCASSIONAL JACKASSERY ASIDE, I THINK YOU'VE GOT POTENTIAL, DAC. ALSO; IF OCCASSIONAL JACKASSERY WAS A PAYING JOB, WE'D BOTH BE RICHER THAN THE EMPRESS HERSELF. HAHAH.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:41

i mean to be fuckin honest but also i really doubt and evven if i do havve potential it wwent to wwaste already

Court (Kam) - Today at 9:43

STILL HERE, AREN'T YOU? DOESN'T THAT POINT TO SOME INNATE SENSE OF NEED, OF WANTING TO BE MORE? THERE'S STILL SOMETHING LEFT IN YOU, BUD. PROMISE. EVERYONE'S GIVEN YOU SHIT AND SOMETIMES RIGHTFULLY SO, AND YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN A LOT, BUT YOU ALWAYS GET RIGHT BACK UP, YEAH? YOU'RE LIKE A FIGHTER. LIKE ME. I KNOW THIS ISN'T ALL YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE, YOU'VE JUST GOT TO FIND THE RIGHT PEOPLE TO GIVE IT TO. GOD. I NEED TO STOP TALKING, PROBABLY.

eridan | mags - Today at 9:59

no youre fine but uh i dont knoww i dont feel like much of a fighter wwhen i just you knoww do wwhat i gotta do

eridan | mags - Today at 10:00

you actually fight people and protect your friends and such wwhile i just do nothin

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:00

YOU FIGHT FOR YOURSELF. AND PROBABLY EVENTUALLY, SOMEONE ELSE TOO. YOUR QUADS, OR WHATEVER.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:01

wwhenevver i do its just outta place and unneeded and people get mad at me

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:06

I GET THAT. IT'LL CHANGE, EVENTUALLY. I'M RUNNING OUT OF WORDS, SORRY. IT'S BULLSHIT O CLOCK, BUT LISTEN... PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY OTHER PEOPLE DO THINGS. IT'S NOT THEIR JOB TO CHANGE YOU. IF YOU LIKE WHO YOU ARE, BE THAT. EVERYONE WHO CARES WILL LIKE YOU FOR YOU.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:08

evven if its my owwn kismesis gettin mad at me for protectin her a feww people called me manipulativve too just cause i wwanted her to be ok

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:23

WHAT DID YOU DO?

eridan | mags - Today at 10:25

someone wwas makin fun of her in public and tellin her howw she rules is awwful just cause she uses a lot of gifs of marie antoinette so i got mad and told him off but more people joined his friends probably and evventually she told me to shut up but i didnt wwant to and then i just got called manipulativve for wwantin to help her

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:26

THAT'S NOT HER GETTING MAD AT YOU FOR PROTECTING HER, THAT'S HER GETTING CONCERNED ABOUT YOU MAKING A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, YOU SHOULD MAKE YOUR STANCE KNOWN, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T PUSH IT. STAND UP FOR HER AND TELL THEM OFF, BUT DON'T REPLY FURTHER BEYOND SCORNFUL AND LAUGH-INDUCING GIFS RAGGING ON THE PEOPLE TRYING TO GET THE ONE UP ON YOU. WHAT PEOPLE ARE DOING WHEN THEY KEEP TRYING TO GET A RESPONSE OUT OF YOU IS TRYING TO MAKE YOU SLIP UP, MAKE A MISTAKE. GIVE THEM GIFS, NOT EFFORT, AND YOU SHOULD BE BETTER OFF.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:29

i still got a screenshot of wwhat someone said to me that kinda hit me - https://gyazo.com/7cee73e22a941c972692c37965269d1e - all i wwas tryin to fuckin do is protect her and evveryone wwas just against me suddenly it felt awwful karkat and i still cant get ovver it

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:30

YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU WERE MAKING ME FEEL BAD FOR DOING SHIT I FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT TO DO AND YOU WENT "IF YOU LOVED HIM, YOU'D DO THIS?"

eridan | mags - Today at 10:30

so next time i just back dowwn and let them make fun of her or wwhat

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:31

HOLD ON, LET ME FINISH THIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT FIRST.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:31

alright sorry im just ugh

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:32

THINGS IN THAT SORT OF FORMAT, LIKE "IF YOU LOVED HER, YOU'D DO THIS", AND "WOE IS ME, THIS BULLSHIT IS HAPPENING BECAUSE OF YOU" THAT MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BAD FOR THINGS BEYOND THEIR CONTROL, THAT'S GUILT TRIPPING. IT'S MAKING THEM FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THINGS THEY CAN'T CONTROL, OR THINGS THAT AREN'T THEIR FAULT. IT FUCKING SUCKS WHEN SHIT HAPPENS, BUT MOST PEOPLE DON'T CARE, AND THEY JUST GET OFFENDED AND PUT OUT WHEN YOU TRY TO TELL THEM SO LIKE THAT. YOU COULD TRY WORDING THINGS BETTER, LIKE... INSTEAD OF "YOU'RE GOING TO TURN ON ME TOO", YOU COULD SAY "I FEEL LIKE I'M ALONE HERE, ARE YOU AGAINST ME TOO?" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. OR FOR THE SHIT WHERE YOU WENT, "IF YOU LOVED HIM, YOU'D DO THIS" BIT, YOU COULD JUST HAVE SAID "BUT DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE HIM PROTECTED TOO?". MOST OF THE TIME, PHRASING IT LIKE A QUESTION KEEPS THE GENERAL PURPOSE ALIVE WITHOUT BRINGING GUILT DOWN TO THE OTHER PERSONS HEAD.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:36

so the wwhole thing wwith her wwas actually my fault and i got wwhat i deservved

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:37

NEXT TIME THIS BULLSHIT HAPPENS, JUST GIVE THEM ONE RESPONSE OUTLINING YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ON THE SUBJECT; IE, YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY THEY'RE TREATING YOUR MOIRAIL AND SHE CAN POST WHATEVER SHE WANTS, IT'S NOT THEIR JOBS TO JUDGE HER STYLE OF RULING BASED ON GIFS OF SOME FICTIONAL WOMAN. IF THEY TRY TO BRING IT FURTHER, RESPOND WITH A GIF OF SOMEONE YAWNING, OR ACT BORED OF THE CURRENT CONVERSATION, AND DON'T GIVE THEM MORE FUEL FOR THE FIRE. PICTURES ARE WORTH MORE THAN WORDS.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:38

shes my kismesis but yeah alright

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:38

AS FOR THE WHOLE THING WITH HER, I WASN'T THERE SO I CAN'T SAY FOR SURE, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE IN THE RIGHT TO PROTECT HER, BUT WRONG TO CARRY IT SO FAR, AND YOU SHOULD HAVE QUIT WHILE YOU WERE AHEAD. I DON'T THINK IT WAS YOUR FAULT, THOUGH. ROSEREDMUTANT SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING JACKASS.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:38

shrug evveryone sounds like a jackass wwhen they talk to me evveryone just treats me like dirt

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:39

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED TO LEARN, I THINK, IS WHEN TO STOP. THERE'S NO POINT BEATING A DEAD HORSE, AND IF YOUR KISMESIS SAYS STOP, YOU SHOULD SAY WHY, AND ASK HER TO BE HONEST. AND IF SHE TELLS YOU WHY, AND SHE'S HONEST AND TELLS YOU WHY AND IT'S A GOOD REASON, YOU SHOULD STOP, REGARDLESS, OR ASK HER TO COME MAKE YOU STOP. SHE'S YOUR KISMESIS FOR A REASON, IT'S HER JOB TO HELP KEEP YOU FROM FIGHTING WITH THE RIFFRAFF, TO DISTRACT YOU FROM OTHER FIGHTS AND MAKE YOU FOCUS ON HER. HER JOB TO HELP YOU IMPROVE YOURSELF THROUGH LEARNING WHAT BATTLES TO PICK, TO HELP YOU LEARN YOUR LIMITS, IN ARGUMENTS AND OTHERWISE.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:42

so i just kinda trust her and stop next time

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:43

IF SHE'S "BEGGING YOU TO STOP" AND NOTHING ELSE, SHE NEEDS TO LEARN TO USE HER WORDS, ALSO. THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS MULTIVERSE THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED THROUGH SOME SORT OF ARGUMENT OR CONVERSATION. YEAH, BASICALLY. SHIT SUCKS SOMETIMES BUT YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO. TRUSTING HER WILL SHOW HER THAT YOU VALUE YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:43

she didnt beg she just told me multiple times to back off and that its fine and she can deal wwith it on her owwn

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:43

HERE'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO NEXT TIME.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:43

guess she doesnt like my help

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:43

OKAY, HOLD ON. YEAH, NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT I MEAN. IT COULD BE POSSIBLE THAT SHE FELT LIKE YOU WERE VACCILATTING PINK, AND SHE FELT EXTREMELY DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT. YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER ABOUT THAT. BUT NO, IF SHE TELLS YOU TO STOP SOMETHING, SHE SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE A REASON, AND YOU'RE FUCKING QUADDED, SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ALONE, AND NEXT TIME THAT SHIT HAPPENS. WHEN SHE TELLS YOU TO "STOP DEFENDING ME, BACK OFF, I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN", YOU NEED TO TELL HER SOMETHING LIKE "I WILL BACK OFF BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO AND I TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT, BUT I NEED YOU TO TRUST ME ALSO" AND MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE "I NEED YOUR HELP TO BACK OFF, CAN YOU COME DISTRACT ME". BECAUSE, HAHA, THAT'S KIND OF HER JOB, AS YOUR KISMESIS, IS TO DISTRACT YOU FROM GETTING INTO SHIT YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE. EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF KISMESITUDE.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:47

huh alright i nevver kneww that to be honest yeah i i guess ill havve to talk to her i dont knoww

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:48

HERE. https://fluffpuffandstuff.tumblr.com/post/156045666788/what-the-heck-am-ii-feeliing-labeliing-your

eridan | mags - Today at 10:49

i dont wwanna dig it up again but it might happen again and shrug

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:49

I SENT SOMETHING IN TO THIS E-ZINE AND I GOT THIS BACK, AND IT HELPED ME LABEL TEMP AND I INTO AN OMNIQUAD. YOU SHOULD READ IT TOO, ALRIGHT? AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T. HERE'S THE BASIC GIST. MATESPRITS PROTECT, KISMESIS' IMPROVE. MOIRAILS SOOTHE AND AUSPISTICES INTERVENE AS A TOPLEAF, AND WANT TO BE INTERVENED ON AS A BOTTOMLEAF.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:51

yeah i just got to that part

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:51

I'LL BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU EVEN FURTHER IF YOU WANT, THIS SORT OF SHIT IS WHAT I USED TO THRIVE ON A FEW SWEEPS BACK, MARATHONING ROM-COMS LIKE THEY WERE THE HOTTEST NEW GAMEGRUB OF THE SEASONAL VENTURE.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:52

thats not all too surprisin to be honest hahaha but no i dont wwant to think about this more or else i just end up realisin i got flush feelins for my kismesis or somethin like that thatd just ruin things and make it evven wworse i just wwanted to be there cause i felt like as kismesises wwere a team you knoww

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:53

YOU WOULDN'T RUIN THINGS BY TALKING ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONS.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:53

yeah wwe hate eachother but also wwere still datin

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:53

EVERY, EVERY QUADRANT IS SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THEIR EMOTIONS, JUST IN DIFFERENT WAYS.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:56

huh

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:56

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU VACILLATE, THEN TELL HER, GENTLY. IF SHE DOESN'T RETURN THEM, ASK IF THIS CHANGES ANYTHING. AND IF SHE SAYS YES, ASK HER, SPECIFICALLY, WHAT IT CHANGES. ASK HER (IN A DIFFERENT SENTENCE,) IF THIS CHANGES YOUR KISMESITUDE, AND IF SHE STILL /WANTS/ TO BE KISMESIS' WITH YOU. AND IF SHE SAYS NO. COME TO ME.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:56

no im not goin to do that

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:56

AND IF SHE SAYS YEAH, SHE STILL WANTS TO BE BLACK WITH YOU, THEN YOU'RE GOLDEN, AND NOTHING CHANGES. YEAH, NO, I DON'T BLAME YOU THERE. BETTER TO WAIT UNTIL YOU'VE GOT YOUR FEELINGS SECURELY LOCKED IN A BOX OR SOMETHING. THAT SHIT'S HEAVY.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:57

this could evven cause problems wwith my husband and im not into that

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:57

FAIR.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:57

ill just i guess talk to her about that stuff wwith that one fight that got out of hand but nothin more

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:58

JUST... ASK HER TO HELP YOU MORE WITH DISTRACTING YOU FROM FIGHTS YOU CAN'T HANDLE. USE THOSE WORDS.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:58

yeah ok

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:58

IF YOU CAN, APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING A SPECTACLE OUT OF YOURSELF. USE THOSE WORDS TOO.

eridan | mags - Today at 10:58

i dont like apologisin

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:58

ME EITHER. IT FEELS GROSS, DOESN'T IT?

eridan | mags - Today at 10:59

yeah

Court (Kam) - Today at 10:59

IT FEELS ALL... VULNERABLE AND SHIT.

eridan | mags - Today at 11:00

yeah i dont i dont like doin that so i rarely evver apologise i dont apologise if i dont gotta

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:00

YEAH. YEAH, YES. THAT BULLSHIT. IF I APOLOGIZE, I'M GENUINELY FUCKING FEELING IT, AND DITTO FOR YOU I'M ASSUMING?

eridan | mags - Today at 11:01

yeah actually lets start wwith it already sorry for uh dumpin this on you its not your job to do this i just i guess i cant help it i kinda wwhine to evverybody i dont knoww

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:02

DUDE, YOU'RE NOT WHINING. YOU'RE ASKING FOR HELP. THAT'S ALL A COMPLAIN OR A WHINE IS. IT'S THICKLY VEILED BUT THAT'S REALLY, WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO. YOU'RE HOPING SOMEONE WILL LISTEN AND DO SOMETHING TO STOP THE SOURCE OF YOUR WHINING, OR TO CONSOLE YOU AND HELP YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE BULLSHIT THAT CAUSED THE WHINING OR COMPLAINING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

eridan | mags - Today at 11:03

i mean yeah but like its still not your duty you knoww i should be able to deal wwith my problems alone i guess god im just so pathetic

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:03

I SPENT HOURS WATCHING SHIT LIKE THIS AND YELLING AT THE CHARACTERS ON SCREEN, HONESTLY, I'M THE BEST PERSON FOR THE JOB, HAHA. UH, ALSO?? FUCK NO. DEALING WITH PROBLEMS ALONE FUCKING SUCKS. IT FEELS BAD AND YOU JUST GET FRUSTRATED BECAUSE YOU BURN OUT ON THAT SHIT. ASKING FOR HELP IS KEEPING YOU SANE AND KEEPING YOU SAFE. JUST FROWNED UPON IF YOU ASK ANYONE OTHER THAN PEOPLE CLOSE TO YOU.

eridan | mags - Today at 11:05

youre not my moirail though or evven my mate i shouldnt be talkin about this wwith you of all people

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:05

I'M NOT YOUR MOIRAIL OR YOUR MATE, YEAH, BUT I'M YOUR FRIEND. A GOOD ONE, I THINK, AT THIS POINT. FRIENDS GOTTA BE THERE FOR YOU.

eridan | mags - Today at 11:06

yeah i guess thanks

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:06

IF MATESPRITS PROTECT, KISMESIS' IMPROVE. MOIRAILS SOOTHE AND AUSPISTICES INTERVENE, FRIENDS LISTEN. THEY'RE THERE WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO JUST LISTEN, AND MAYBE OFFER ADVICE. HONESTLY, I WISH I'D OFFERED THIS KIND OF ADVICE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. MAYBE I COULD HAVE KEPT MY OLD FRIENDS BACK TOGETHER. MAYBE I'D ACTUALLY KNOW WHERE SOME OF THEM ARE. IF THEY'RE EVEN ALIVE.

eridan | mags - Today at 11:07

wwell at least you learnt from it and youre better noww

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:07

I HOPE I'M BETTER. I KIND OF FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING I'M SAYING IS GOING IN ONE FIN AND OUT THE OTHER, BUT YOU SEEM HAPPY WITH WHAT I'M GOING ON ABOUT.

eridan | mags - Today at 11:07

i dont knoww howw you used to be but i knoww youre good noww shrug still youre doin better than evveryone else i met before you so i guess theres that

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:08

... BETTER AT BEING A FRIEND? SHIT, I'M SORRY. YOU MUST HAVE HAD SOME PRETTY SHIT ONES BEFORE NOW, THEN.

eridan | mags - Today at 11:09

i dont just forget the things you say i got better about hemoism and i remember you havve a mate and i wwanna talk to fef about the shit and stuff friends relationships just evverythin

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:09

(:B

eridan | mags - Today at 11:10

but yeah thanks i guess im gonna take a nap i think

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:11

ALRIGHT. I... HOPE THIS WAS A GOOD CONVERSATION. SEEMED LIKE ONE TO ME, AT LEAST. SEE YOU LATER? I'M ALWAYS REACHABLE HERE... AND IF I DON'T RESPOND, SOMETHING'S PROBABLY UP. I'LL. UH. I'LL ADD YOUR MESSENGER HANDLE TO A LIST OF HANDLES ASSOCIATED WITH OUR DEADMANS SWITCH. SO IF SOME BULLSHIT HAPPENS, YOU'LL KNOW WHEN AND WHERE.

eridan | mags - Today at 11:17

oh wwell thanks thats good to knoww but yeah see you around

Court (Kam) - Today at 11:19

courtinggrievances [CG] has ceased trolling [CA?]

#chatlogs #eridacnis #posted privately to check some formatting things #god this is why i don't do the formatting and i let other people do it but im in a rush cause sleep calls me #read ooc #also #ask to tag

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