#tired brain go brrrr

[ariadne-mouse]

the long wind down

Shadowgast, rated G, 1276 words. An ode to burnout.

-

"Of course I am not fine." 

Caleb's tone was waspish, and only their growing familiarity with each other told Essek that the sharpness was not meant for him, though he had catalyzed it.  Strudel the tawny longhair cat had no such wisdom, and leapt down from Caleb’s lap, offended. 

"We are in the final waiting period of the old man's sentencing, Beauregard has unearthed new dirt on the Martinet that we cannot pursue yet because of political bullshit, and Soltryce has changed the composition of their teaching offer four times.  I am not fine, Essek.  I am going insane."  Caleb clenched his hands in the air as though he could seize reality itself and shake it, then sagged back in his armchair, strings cut.  He rubbed his forehead.  "I am tired and wired at the same time, in equal and contradicting parts.  It has been nonstop for months."

"Caleb Widogast." Up close, the lines creasing Caleb's face were even more evident in the flickering candlelight.  Essek sat on the arm of the chair and rested his palm against Caleb's scruffy beard. "What can I do?"  His thumb soothed the cheekbone beneath it.

"Nothing," Caleb sighed, turning his face into the touch.

"I can distract you, if you wish." 

The offer earned him a faint flash of a grin. "I do enjoy your skills at distraction, Herr Thelyss."  But he did not move, his posture still slumped, the weight of him and the world on his shoulders pressing down into the chair, and so the question and its answer passed between them unspoken in that tender space of knowing.

Essek frowned. "And you cannot rest?"

"Nein," Caleb looked up at him wearily. "My mind wants something to chew.  It is hungry.  But as soon as I try, and pick up this or that, I get lost in the details or else make stupid mistakes like a schoolboy trying his hand at advanced magic.  I have been going for so long, I can't stop, but I have hit a point where I can’t string two coherent thoughts together either." His eyes drifted shut, but his continued unease was betrayed by the way he plucked at his sleeve in his lap, a precursor to his bad habit of scratching.

Essek’s mind was not fully refreshed either, such was his life of evasion these days, but his retreat from his Dynasty connections was also a retreat from the obligations and noise that came with them.  It was rather the reverse of Caleb’s plight — while his friend sought to put down roots in his home country and make change, Essek was pulling up his roots and casting himself into the wind.  But he remembered the years he’d spent climbing through the Dynasty, and with that recollection, he found he had a solution.  

He tilted his head.  "I have just the thing.  Perhaps."

"Do you?" Caleb straightened up fractionally, focusing on Essek once more.

“Perhaps.”  Essek drew away, but only to free his hands for casting.  “It is a trivial invention of mine from my early days at court, when I first achieved the rank of Shadowhand.  There was always a great deal to be done, many things happening at once, but each with their own restrictions and tediums and frustrations.  Politics.  At times waiting, able to do nothing while some goal became more and more urgent.  Interlacing plans, advancing at different paces.  I found it hard to rest, then, too.  The mind is reluctant to let go, once put to such… hm. Overclocking?”

He traced some symbols in the air, leaving a softly glowing indigo afterimage.  These symbols unspooled themselves and rearranged into a new display: a blank rectangular grid with notation at each row and column. “The numerals are in Undercommon, but I never envisioned an application for this outside of my own personal use.”  He then touched a square in the grid with a spark of magic, and it filled with a soothing blue-purple color.  “It is a simple logic puzzle.  There is an underlying pattern — I took pains for the spell to generate it at random, unknown to the caster — and can be solved by marking the squares to match it.  I will tell you no more of the rules.  Try it.”

Caleb leaned up, the light reflected in his eyes.  He tapped a square, and it lit up like Essek’s had.  Another: this one flashed red and then faded dull and grey.

“An incorrect choice?”

“Yes.”

His eyes flitting over the puzzle, Caleb tested a number of other squares in rapid succession, noting whether they glowed a successful blue or a failed grey.  And he did fail a number of times, his brow wrinkling, but he had about him that drive of experimentation they shared when inventing spellwork: failure was not failure, only information to be utilized in the pursuit of understanding.

“Hm. I think I have it.”

Essek inclined his head.  “Show me.”  He waved his hand and dispelled the game board, replacing it with a new one of larger dimensions.

Caleb indicated a row. “Here there are 10 squares, and it is marked with a 1, 3, and 2.   This means there are groupings of tiles in that composition, in that order, that are neighbors but do not touch.  You must cross-reference with other rows and columns to surmise where they can occur to be in harmony with the patterns of other rows and columns.  And you cannot always do it all at once.”  He tapped a few successful tiles.  Then, quickly engrossed, he continued on.

It was unsurprising that Caleb had quickly deduced the Undercommon numerals by their context, and that he had figured out the simple rules, but there was always pleasure in observing his mind work.  Essek watched Caleb’s face instead of the puzzle.

In the work of a few minutes, he was tapping the last tile of the pattern. The whole grid pulsed with faint light, and dissolved into stardust.

“Oh, pretty.” Caleb tilted his head back to smile at Essek. “You invented this?  It is a remarkable bit of spellwork.”

Essek preened. “It is useless except for this, of course.  A pastime, nothing more.  But when the need arises… I have always found it soothing.”

“May I copy it down?”  Caleb rubbed at his eyes and cast around for pen and ink from the nearby table where their research papers were cast about like autumn leaves.

“Tomorrow.” Essek stayed Caleb in his chair with a hand on his shoulder. “It will take an hour or two, and we have just established that you are in need of rest.  Please, allow me.  I will cast them until you wish to stop.  They require minimal arcane power.”

Caleb’s eyes crinkled at the corners, and drew Essek’s hand from his shoulder and kissed the palm of it.  “If you insist, dear.”

Essek smiled.  “I do.”

Nine and half puzzles later, Caleb was leaned on his elbow, dozing.  

With a flick of his wrist, Essek dispelled the half-finished puzzle and eased himself off the arm of the chair, found a throw blanket, and draped it over Caleb’s lap.  The sleek tabby cat Bartolomew was quick to follow, and Strudel — the earlier insult forgotten — joined soon after, but Caleb did not stir at the added weight, used to his cats making themselves comfortable anywhere at any hour. 

Essek’s feet made no sound as he floated to the kitchen and puttered about making tea.  He would have to leave in the morning, but for now, in the quiet broken only by the clank of the teapot and Caleb’s snoring, this was home.

-

This ficlet is based off of nonogram puzzles. If you'd like to try one online, I recommend this site!

#tired brain go brrrr #shadowgast #critical role #c2 #tumblr snippets #op #ariadne writes CR

[make-me-imagine]

Me, half asleep, writing a fic request: "Yes, this is good. This is gonna be so cute"

Me re-reading what I wrote later on when I am more awake: "What the fuck is this? That's not how you spell that. That makes absolutely no sense."

*deletes 70% of what I wrote*

#i dont know why I keep doing this #I just end up having to rewrite half of it anyways #tired brain go brrrr #random thoughts #i need to stop writing stuff when I can barely focus #writing things #writing

[justheblueberry]

forget me not

#not very happy with this one #i feel like i could have expanded the idea differently #also you can always tell when i draw lu guang first #because i get tired by the time i get to cxs #and go #eh lets just make him a ghost i dont feel like coloring #hopefully i can return to this someday better #because hooo boy making lu guangs flowers forget me nots........ #brain go brrrr #link click #lu guang #cheng xiaoshi #shiguang #shiguang daili ren #link click fanart #时光代理人 #陆光 #程小时 #ort #right handed drawings

[sp4mja]

I'm very normal about the fact that the first brazilians Fit talked to were Pac and Mike when they arrived and now they are part of his family and he loves them almost as much as he loves Ramón.

The guy who never looked for bonds ended up with a son and two friends who will always be there for him I'm not normal

#qsmp #in so tired This probably doesnt make sense but Jesus tazercraft and fit make my brain go brrrr #fran.txt

[driftingmoonmenace]

I wish my ADHD would slow down for two seconds so I can actually focus on one idea instead of several within 24hrs and get nothing done as a result of it. 💀

#menace speaks #I'm so tired dude #I just wanna focus on one AU instead of jumping around so much #brain go brrrr too much

[doll-elvis]

I could stare at the length of this man all day

I just wanna climb him like a tree and never let go 😭

#his thighs #I will never shut up about his thighs 😫 #begging to be underneath all 6’0 and 200+ lbs of him #brb while I soak up every detail of each photo #I’ll just never get tired of looking at him #brain go brrrr #elvis presley #elvisaaronpresley #elvis #70s #big daddy elvis #i love him

[rayveewrites]

Concept: A Pokemon game with Legends-style gameplay set entirely in Ultra Space.

#pokemon #ultra space #gf really just introduced an entire new dimension with its own complex society and showed us four characters and one street #like there's this one area that's an alternate hau'oli city after its citizens fled in the wake of a disaster #and now it's lying in darkened ruins & being consumed by a guzzlord like WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! #anyway i know thisll never happen but it would be SO COOL #prefferably our character would be born & raised in ultra space #and we would be allowed to pick fun skin colours ideally (ultra recon squad all has blue skin btw) #(ik its kinda hard to tell with the suits but its true) #give us just like. a ton of new ubs living in unique & complex ecosystems instead of just dumping half a dozen in Alola for the postgame #& have familiar pokemon be considered deeply weird and potential threats to that ecosystem #make beast balls the standard + give us new variants on them #show the people of ultra megopolis go from fearing pokemon to befriending them #and learning the kindness that's so widespread in the pokemon world #slowly healing from the god-knows-how-long they spent living in fear of necrozma #i have so many thoughts and im so tired but ultra space makes brain go brrrr #rayvee rambles

[allalrightagain]

I honestly forget how bad my ADHD is until the chronic fatigue clears slightly and I can feel my brain go from .5x to 2x speed

#i wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but nothing has worked on my adhd like being too tired to think #tragically I’m burning my second day of this in meetings and appointments #instead of letting my brain go brrrr on fun things #LT talks #chronic health tag

[lale-txt]

((ヾ(｡･ω･)ﾉ☆ﾟ+.THANK YOU for 2k!!

don't mind me crying a little over this like wtf. this is... such a big number?? so many people? are you all here for the dilfs? did i pspsps'd you here with them? or did i happen to write for your fav once and you just got stuck here?

i'll spare you the long emotional speech, just want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of this soft heart for all of you; for the sweet comments & tags (i screenshot them all when the imposter syndrome hits), for the lovely chats, the never-ending support and just for being part of this? this blog isn't even a year old and it's been a wild ride. writing has become such a constant in my life (again). i definitely don't wanna miss any of this!

i need to catch up on some comms and other deadlines first before i unleash my milestone event, but i hope to do so in a week or two! a little hint: hide the dads... and maybe the grandpas, too.

#i'm so tired and my brain is going brrrr but aaaahhh thank you SO much #the 1k milestone felt surreal already but 2k feels like a fever dream #gonna sob about this a little more before bed ok love you bye #lale.txt

[breathing-in-waves]

Having a modern-day stranger things moment 🪩

#Late night vibing with some gummies #trying hard to relax after this shitty shitty week #missing eddie munson like he was my best friend #my posts #love #aesthetic #lgbtq #wicca #home #december #Christmas #holiday #winter #brain go brrrr #tired #stranger things #eddie munson #friends #rachel green #chandler bing

[sparks-chaotic-cove]

it fascinates me how people speak. The differing accents, the way accents can me mimicked, how different languages affect the pronunciation of other languages�� it’s all so beautiful and intricate. Simply our words make us diverse even more than we are.

#Brain go brrrr #im so tired #sparkrambles

[masked-ragdoll]

How it feels to chew 5 gum

Anyways go listen to the new Lovejoy EP it's SO GOOD

#jay speaks #so many things so little time #im so tired #but so hyped #brain go brrrr

[phoenixiancrystallist]

Month 4, day 27, decided to give Knell a Rheddig mask to see how it looks and, uh, as it turns out, I made her head too tall XD I also need to get more references for the mask, because I think I didn't a few details quite right. Namely the shape and curve of the beak and the eye motifs. But that's okay! This is a learning process, and the mask is in its own group so I can hide the whole thing without losing it lol

#the great artscapade of 2023 #art #my art #forspoken oc #the cat has been screaming at me all night every night all week and I'm so so so tired y'all =_= #yesterday at work was very stressful #today was just a bad brain day because of the stress #also shark week is approaching and that makes the bad brain juices go brrrr #so I've been tired on a physical and emotional level all week and I can't wait for the weekend #which I wish would last forever #especially since my roommate wants to use Saturday to clean the living room #he'll probably insist on doing laundry too but idk if I'll be up for laundry since we still ahve to go to the laundromat #I just want to stay home and play Forspoken and pretend reality doesn't exist for... idk... a week? #a month? #until I feel better for sure but idk how long that would take #anyway yeah #hopefully the restful nap @flyingwide and @amaperson and @silentspaces gave me with that poll kicks in 💜 #love y'all may you get the rest you need too! 💜💜💜 #and also a nice treat and/or gift as a thanks from me to you 💜💜💜

[the-kipsabian]

im trying to enjoy the little things that i can rn, so i got more discount easter chocolate and a soda that tastes like marshmallows and bubble gum from the store earlier

#my wallet says no but serotonin says yes #also brain go brrrr #being sad all the time is tiring so im trying something idk #night is an absolute mess on main

[charmerquilled]

Zed's followers go YEET.

#&&. I have a functioning brain rn #&&. and by functioning I mean it's running on one cell and it's going brrrr #&&. But just watched the cinematic and I'll never get tired of this icon #&&. ooc ( a mun who isn't as graceful as her muse )

[tiredarts-main]

bored, brain spew time- my experiences with gender are Weird.

born AFAB in the US south, several forms of neurodivergence (Autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, possible BPD but that one’s just a theory), mom was/is very open about gender and whatnot, dad didn’t/doesn’t like talking about it

went to a private Christian school for grades K-3, very “tomboy” like for those years. sometimes asked to be referred to by my middle name because it was more neutral than my first one- not knowingly for gender reasons at the time but looking back that was not cis behavior lmao

never really processed what it *meant* to be perceived as fem/masc/nb until middle/high school years, existed Purely On Vibes until then

Socially awkward disaster for almost my entire schooling time. Had trouble understanding conversation rules (thanks, mostly-unmedicated Autism /s), but with extensive training I eventually just ended up as a robot, silent for fear of overstepping and being rude

did a lot of reading about LGBTQ+ identities in the hopes of being considerate to my classmates

brain clicked with demigirl and/or genderfae for almost all of middle school

quarantine hits and most of my interactions shift to being online. internet kinda defaults to he/him when talking about randos in game lobbies… matter of time until I get referred to as such… and it isn’t uncomfortable? kinda vibe with it??

start experimenting with various labels:

agender didn’t work because I still was okay with being perceived as she/they/he;

bi-gender didn’t feel right either;

stuck with genderfluid for a while but it felt a bit too rigid- like I had to pick which mode I was in constantly to fit the description;

knew it was SOME kind of non-binary but I didn’t know much about the various umbrella and sub-type terms

‘bout a year into quarantine, still in school, making pride pins because I wanted to sell them and make money somehow, did some more research, learned about genderqueer.

and then the lightbulb finally stopped flickering and stayed on.

as of late, I’ve done more reading because a lot of the folks I talk to in Tavern-Frontiers and the surrounding groups are also LGBTQ+. found a label called “gendervague”- gender perception impacted by neurodivergence. while I’m personally not gonna use it as a main label, it definitely fits as a description of the clusterfuck that is my experience with identity

best way I can describe how I identify is “fuck if I know, call me whatever makes it easier.” General vibes I feel with different sets below:

she/her- born with it, used to it, okay with it

he/him- still feels new but I can work with it (I mostly use this when I refer to myself online, to help get used to it)

they/them- good default, not as natural as she/her but also not as exciting as he/him

it/its- :pensive_robot: yeah (nothing really wrong with it, but I’d rather call myself it than be called it)

neopronouns- never tried before, funky and new! (good funky, like a new genre of music- not bad funky, like socks)

#irl shit #textpost #tired talks #long post #random brain spewing #i know this is random #and completely out of the blue- especially for me #but brain go brrrr and since this hellsite is slowly drawing in new blood #I figured I’d ramble and watch the funny numbers do their funny number things #*vague ‘I dunno’ noises* #gender talk #idk how to tag this #I talk about so many identities here #tagging them all feels like spam #genderqueer #nonbinary #tw religion mention