#toxic heteronormativity

[shesnake]

challengers (and, on some level iwtv) on the brain it really is so funny how so many people often will happily talk about polyamory as a solution to their little ships but when confronted with narratives that truly explore that it can't compute for them and they start picking teams of two.

#even if it's gay that's still heteronormative thinking. imo #because it's just not something they even understand/respect in real life #a throuple is always a scandal it's a juicy piece of gossip it's a display of audacity to youse #and with challengers being that spectacle of something so rarely portrayed (positively or negatively) it IS exciting!! #but really some people are just wired that way and it works for them and it can be the most blasé thing in the world #but also this world is full of unfortunate relationships attempting this with people who just aren't wired that way! #with monogamous-leaning(?) people trying something that doesn't work for them as a solution to their own relationship issues #and so as the majority they end up viewing it as inherently toxic and deviant. and then in fiction it's still just spicy to them! #challengers

[quietwingsinthesky]

see my brain just doesn’t register the idea of anyone having a ‘one true love’ which is why the common fandom tropes of making canonical love interests terrible in order to justify why your ship is better always bugs the shit out of me. it feels like the only reason you would do that is if the idea of the characters in your ship having any other sort of romantic relationship that was important to them, even in the past, is a threat to their current one, therefore all their past relationships need to be demonized in order to make them ‘not real love’ so that they remain pure and chaste and ready for the True Love of the endgame ship.

#im not crazy right like other people notice that trope ajd get annoyed by it right #its a very weird trope to be so common from my perspective because like. why not just. break up the couple you dont want. #for reasons that arent ‘i made this person into a charicature of themselves to justify why my blorbo would have never actually loved them’ #you know? its weird. its weird right? #and then of course there’s the offshoot of this that intersect with fandom misogyny where that demonized person is usually the female love #interest. or sometimes not even that. sometimes she was just standing there a little too close to one of the guys and that made people feel #insecure about their ship so they make her a bitch. gwen cooper. im. im talking about gwen cooper. people do this to gwen cooper and ill #never know peace about that. #anyway. is there a word for like. heteronormativity for monogomous people. because thats what i think this falls under. #because it is a very. like its a very conservatively monogomous idea. i feel like it is not unrelated to christian values of not having sex #before you’re married. that maybe someone in fandom might manage to ditch that particular ruleset to make their blorbos fuck nasty but NOT #the underlying idea of it that you can only ever have One Person you share that love and intimacy with. so you still end up perpetuating the #same toxic beliefs. you know? sorry im rambling it just annoys me

[arliedraws]

Reminder, everyone, that queerness is not a personality trait. It can be an essential part of your identity and representation fucking matters, but your personality does NOT define your gender or sexuality.

The point of this post is not to call anyone out in particular for perpetuating harmful stereotypes about queerness/gender, but to ask people to be more reflective about why we tend to base our understanding of queerness in particular around stereotypical ideas of femininity and masculinity. Hypermasculinity harms all of us. If you are a trans woman, there is no RIGHT/CORRECT way to be a woman. If you are a trans man, you should NOT feel like you are less of a man because you embrace qualities our heteronormative society deems “feminine.” Obviously, right? Well, if you were to observe fandom and shipping dynamics, these values become…murky.

I say this out of the kindness of my heart and with all the love in the world, but folks gotta be more careful when they say, “I can’t believe people think THIS character is straight!!!!” with 100% sincerity particularly regarding a narrative where the author very obviously did not intend to make characters gay. (You’re excused if you say it because you’re just passionate and having a good time and I respect you for that.)

I am bothered by these statements because…upon what exactly are you basing this argument? The problem is, because the author (derogatory) did not intend for people to interpret particular characters as gay/queer, there is a strong likelihood this statement is based on stereotypical ideas of what queerness looks like. “He is dramatic/emotional” is…uh…not a good reason to think someone is gay. A man with stereotypical feminine qualities does not necessarily mean they are gay. A woman with traits associated with hypermasculinity does not necessarily mean they are gay.

Do I think Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks are gay? YES. Do I think Tonks could probably be gender fluid? Yes! Do I adamantly believe that Sirius is a bisexual semi-aro superstar? Also very much Yes. So it’s not like I don’t have opinions or feelings about this. However, there is SO MUCH HARM in believing that men who embrace softness, beauty, and vulnerability MUST be queer. Okay, you say. But in MY mlm ship, one guy is SUPER DUPER masculine and the other one is feminine. Right. That’s part of my point. Hypermasculinity is so pervasive even in queer spaces that ships are often reduced to “this is the top/masculine person in the relationship, and this is the bottom/feminine person.” So…uhhhh…what does this sound like?

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my students (teenagers) to explain why “she wears the pants in the relationship” is an extremely harmful idea. I asked them, “Okay, so what does that mean when you say that?” Students responded that it meant that the woman was the “boss” in her heterosexual relationship—that she was the controlling one.

“So when you say ‘she wears THE pants,’ are you suggesting that one person wears the ‘traditionally masculine’ article of clothing and the other should wear the traditionally ‘feminine’ article of clothing?” I prompted. They could see where I was going with this. So I went on, “Think about what we’re insinuating here. We’re saying that men are leaders—or at least, they SHOULD be. Masculinity is being a leader, and femininity is being a follower. Making a snide remark that ‘she wears the pants’ suggests that she is NOT assuming proper gender roles and it might strike some of us as funny. But do we see the problem with this? What does that sound like to you? And for that matter, should ANY partnership be so unbalanced that ONE person controls it?”

Kids were shaking their heads, but one student was really troubled by this. “But in every relationship, there’s got to be the person in charge and the person who is just…” He didn’t really finish the sentence. I’m pleased to say that most of my students immediately recognized the glaring issue with this. Most of the class shot this kiddo very horrified looks, and he was so shocked that people weren’t on his side (goodhearted kid, but clearly some messed up gender roles going on at his house). I let them discuss a bit more and finished with, “Be reflective in your relationships, friends. Dynamics like this can sometimes point to power imbalances—and generally, people shouldn’t feel inferior in their partnerships.”

Fandom is SO LIKE THIS. We equate personality with sexuality and gender so hard!!!! We try to inject hypermasculinity into queer spaces SO HARD. At some point, your desire to be ‘subversive’ just turns into toxic heteronormativity. When you make Remus hypermasculine and Sirius hyperfeminine because it “just feels right” - consider WHY this feels right to you when there really is not a lot in canon that points to these things. Why does it feel right to you that one person should “be a top” and one should “be a bottom”? This is not to say this is ILLEGAL or you shouldn’t make Sirius feminine—it’s just…think about the underlying message here when it’s in contrast to very very masculine Remus.

My point here is NOT “stop making characters gay/feminine!!!” My point is, hell yeah, the characters who are canonically straight could be gay, but also I really recommend avoiding basing this on stereotypes. “I can’t believe people think this overly dramatic/emotional/fashionable/soft man is straight!” Unpack that. Really think about it. What are you really saying? Just…be reflective, folks. You are not immune to the heteronormative agenda.

TL;DR // softness, aggressiveness, beauty, love, gentleness, competitiveness, etc. belong to everyone, every gender, every sexuality.

#taking a bit of a risk with this #this is coming from someone who is uhhhh heavily into fucked up ships #i love fucked up dynamics #it’s hot #i am personally into playing with power dynamics in a kink way #but not in my regular life #disclaimer #you can do whatever you want #whatever floats your boat #but be aware of spreading harmful stereotypes #don’t just reinvent toxic heteronormativity lol

[picklepie888]

The more I read of Dracula, the more confused I become on how Dracmina ever became a thing. Because looking at the current narrative, Mina has more reason than anybody to hate Dracula.

#dracula daily #dracula #he's relentlessly tormented the two people she loves most #the two people she is more devoted to than anything else on the planet #who ever got the idea that she would have feelings for him? #makes no sense #sounds to me like toxic heteronormative nonsense #which again she was already in a relationship w/ jonathan so what was the point? #hollywood explain yourself!

[kaban-bang]

#bit of a venting meme #it just sucks having to scroll through so many wenclair posts on my dash and then you check out the show and not only is it mid #but very very heteronormative #wednesday will say some feminism buzzwords and then the writers put her with two shitty and toxic love interests #anyway hashtag vent #it's just my frustration with edgerunners all over again #anyway watch gundam witch #inb4 they fumble the bag and they both get married to dudes #gundam witch from mercury #gundam #wednesday addams

[imagone]

saw ppl hating the fact that gaara grew up to be a loving single father to his adopted son in boruto. like out of all the things to despise in this miserable show that’s literally the last thing you should hate

#his gay ass literally survived kishimotos toxic heteronormative bullshit and adopted a child #that’s the best thing that has happened in this stupid show #naruto #boruto #gaara

[gggoldfinch]

holding myself back by the throat from making a pro vaultghoul rant post bc I keep getting recommended anti posts

#SEE NOW AND WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING TAG THE SHIP IF ITS SHIP DISCOURSE THEN WORRY ABOUT GETTING HATE? you’re an instigator #fuck it I’m doing it in the tags: #‘if I see one more ghoulcy post bla bla’ SHUT ! UP ! #people fucking LOVE enemies to lovers until there’s an actual prospective enemies to lovers ship #this is literally THE problematic ship site guys… come on #AND GHOUL WASNT EVEN THAT BAD TO LUCY he could’ve killed her every single time but HE DIDN’T #I’ve seen people argue that he has a wife ??!!! are you kidding me ?? he got divorced 200 years ago my guy are we watching the same show?? #like ​he wouldn’t be cheating if that’s what you’re worried about 💀 #the reason a lot of us don’t like vaultknight is because it’s boooooring #ooh super heteronormative good(ish) guy x good girl trope. snore #there is no tension between Lucy and Max. no stakes no drama. it’s rushed and predictable #I love Max as his own character. he does not need another character to fall back on narratively #whereas Lucy and Coop are literally narrative foils #they depend on each other for storytelling #get off your high horse baby it’s literaly fictional and has no bearing on the rea world #you’re not special because you ~don’t ship toxic pairings~ I DO move over

[linddzz]

Barbie shouldn't be allowed to be in theaters the same time as Across the Spiderverse. You can't have two of the best movies ever out at the same time it's insane

#barbie is about the existential crises of the human condition and also toxic masculinity and positive masculinity #and toxic Heteronormativity and also. pink funny

[fuchsiamae]

motivation post: I have so many of these "fluffy pre-relationship caveline from cave's pov" oneshots half-started and I want to finish a few more

(two done so far)

tell me if you want more of these

#tldr misogynist asshole is too dumb to know he's falling in love #toxic heteronormativity is my kink #caveline

[intersectionalpraxis]

To the person who sent this in my anons because you're a misogynistic and queerphobic coward, I would like to clarify here that there is ZERO evidence to suggest that what this person is spouting here is true. By saying feminism is toxic/is ruining women, all you're doing is admitting your own insecurities and superficiality. Because we can talk about and be critical of white feminism and the lack of inclusivity/transphobia in feminist spaces/etc, but this isn't what this guy is doing. He's spewing manosphere bullshit meant to radicalize men online because they want to continually see women as objects, not subjects.

Now, let's address the initial point he makes/alludes to about single women -by saying children of these single parents are suffering the most. For his and anyone's information -women are statistically the happiest on the planet when they are not married and child free in the first place, but when they do have children and they divorce their spouse they usually end up taking the brunt of the care (as they probably were in the first place) and although this can pose many challenges for their family depending on their socioeconomic background, that doesn't mean the kids will be more unhappy, unstable, and unsafe compared to children whose parents are married (and in any of those cases, there should be MORE resources for single parents instead of shaming them).

Many feminist and women's movements also made it possible for women to be liberated from heteropatriarchal ideals/standards/constraints that insisted they could only be happy if they got married and had children -and also, have the rights to access divorce in otherwise situations that made it impossible for her to leave abusive and unhealthy relationships (and divorce should be more widely de-stigmatized, accessible, and affordable). I know this varies cross-culturally, but a human being making decisions about THEIR lives -when it comes to marriage and having children -is what should always matter most.

Also the claim that queer families are reported to be more 'damaging,' is absolute bullshit.

This is the initial video sent to me and the following will be a few articles to debunk and challenge this propaganda he's making:

#Instagram #feminist #feminism #manosphere #toxic masculinity #misogynistic #misogyny #gender essentialism #biological essentialism #fuck gender roles #queerphobia #queer #lgbtqia #queer community #children #intersectionality #do some research #fuck heteronormativity #heteronormativity #marriage #relationship #singleparent

[zlixlriffs]

Favorite gay romance trope:

Childhood friends where the queer one is in love with the other but they know it will never work out so to save themselves from heartbreak starts pulling away but then the other one starts realizing things because they miss the other a lot

#me riffing #both parties explore the potential codependency they had to each other. #The queer one realizes some toxic self sacrificing behaviors and then the other one starts breaking down that heteronormative mindset

[icannotgetoverbirds]

litcherally how the fuck do men hate their wives this is like the best shit ever i love my girlfriend so gotdam much

#byrd chirps #guess we're just built different #go ahead call me pussy whipped I'm having cowpoke times in space with my geefie #genuinely though what the fuck is wrong with 'i hate my wife' boomers #is it the christianity? the sexism? the toxic masculinity? the heteronormativity? all of it? #am i missing a piece here? #anyways if you hate your wife first of all how the fuck are you surviving on tumblr #secondly fuck off and let me enjoy this #third. consider a divorce or separation or like. marriage counseling #i get that not all marital issues can be solved just like that #but it sounds like your problem is you buddy #by the way when i say 'if you hate your wife' what i mean is #'if you're one of Those Boomers that constantly complains about a wife that does everything for you' #or something along those lines #anyways can't wait for these tags to get misinterpreted if and when this post blows up or smth #but if i genuinely fucked up it'd be good to know ig

[aroaceconfessions]

I am so glad I’m not married. Every time I’ve been engaged it was to a cis man (I am non-binary) and it never worked out. I used to be sad about that but holy shit I’m so thankful now. and I’m seeing all my friends in heterosexual marriages to cis men just become miserable. Their husbands only care about making them feel better long enough that they stop crying and start making dinner. None of these men know how to do basic chores — if they do, they don’t do them because “I’m stressed out”. Your wife gets stressed too! Stop making her your mom! I think one of the most valuable things asexuality has taught me is how to be okay with my own company. When I was in a cishet relationship and didn’t know I was ace I was so codependent on my partner. Now I approach dating completely differently because I’ve learned how to be okay with my own company. But these cis men I see my friends marrying (all are cis women)… they don’t know how to be on their own. Ever. They demand to be mothered and only care about their wives when their wives are still girlfriends. I see it happen every single time. And I think part of that is also cishet allo women not learning how to be okay with their own company. And yeah it’s tough but like… would it really be worse than being married to someone whose essentially a large child who wants sex? I get so angry but these women defend every crappy thing their husbands do. The things I’ve watched these women get verbally abused for are things like not vacuuming, not packing his lunch, not cooking him dinner, not doing the laundry… and if I try to stand up to them they turn that on me and the wife is in tow. None of these women are conservative. It seems like cis allo men just don’t like cis allo women but aren’t mature enough to explore that. And it’s just so much pain to watch. I’m so glad I never married a cis het allo man. I’ve never seen people who are as lonely as their wives.

#weaponized incompetence #misogyny #unhealthy relationships #toxic relationships #amatonormativity #heteronormativity #arose #aroace #asexual #ace #aspec #acespec #aromantic #aro #arospec #aroacespec #transgender #trans #enby #nb #nonbinary #non-binary #non binary

[bylerswiftie]

when your sister calls you delusional for shipping byler (and any other queer ship for that matter) but then has a full on argument with you bc you said you dont think stu loved tatum (scream) (for context his best friend murdered her and he helped plan it like erm...... okay)

like okay.. what im getting is you just hate gay ppl bc no way... 😭

#byler #byler tumblr #heteronormative mindset things at its finest idc #like yh i respect her opinion bc not everyone has to ship byler but you think stu genuinely loved tatum?????? #he literally planned and helped with her murder. GET A GRIP!!! #tell me you dont know what real non toxic love is without telling me

[mikesbasementbeets]

i feel like i’m constantly repeating myself about gay mike but it’s because i still keep seeing the same old dumb ass homophobic takes about it

#it’s my own fault for leaving the safety of my dash i guess #you want to scream biphobia i’m going to keep reminding you that you’re being homophobic #calling out the heteronormative lens you need to be watching the show with to be that convinced that mike likes girls isn’t biphobia #it’s Understanding the Narrative of the Show. #stop crying biphobia as a shield against actual criticism and then spouting homophobic rhetoric to defend yourself. it makes you look stupid #again. begging some of y’all to take a step outside your own personal experiences and examine your biases. #before just. saying shit #‘i think mike is gay but i want him to be bi just to spite the toxic gay mike cult’ stop it. get some help.

[howifeltabouthim]

I really wish he wouldn't hunt, but you have to let men do what they want. Otherwise, you can't live with them at all.

Anna Biller, from Bluebeard's Castle

#permissive #toxic masculinity #gender roles #patriarchy #relationship dynamics #boys will be boys #dangerous mindset #heteronormativity #toxic relationship #quotes #lit #words #excerpts #quote #literature #anna biller #bluebeard's castle