#trying to learn and do better

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[uncanny-tranny]

I love love love when trans women* give advice to trans men* about """manly""" things and when trans men* return that kindness with advice about """womanly""" things. I love the intracommunity commitment to supporting each other <<3

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #obviously it's better when that advice and guidance is consentual #if you ever want to give that advice do be sure that that person is even seeking that out #i have made advice posts which i try to state as neutrally as possible to ensure that whomever wants the advice can read it #but by no means are those posts intended to force you to change or to do things outside of what you want y'know? #ANYWAY thank you to trans women for unironically teaching me how to shave when i didn't know how #(i read the book Nevada partway and that was how i started to learn how to shave my face) #(and i've gotten a decent-ish close shave though i do admit i'm not that good at it. i'm kinda lazy actually LOL) #chin stubble is genuinely one of the worst sensory things for me and i'm so grateful that i was taught by trans women about it :)!!! #genuinely me when other trans people: 🥰

[nerdpoe]

guys i'm sorry i've been struck with a crack prompt idea and i have to write it you don't udnerSTADN

Danny accidentally bumps into Pandora's box.

He immediately closes it! It was closed immediately! Super quick! NBD!!!

Except one plague hopped out in that half second it was open.

Danny doesn't even realize he caught it until he pops back to the Mortal realm and goes into his human form.

He passes the mirror in the lab and....those are cat ears. That's a cat tail.

His hands shake.

Maybe it's just him. Maybe he can plead being a meta.

He takes out his phone and checks the news.

In the two hours he's been gone, roughly half the population of humans on the planet are now cursed with cat ears and cat tails.

Justice League is looking into a way to reverse the curse.

Danny looks at the mirror and goes ghost.

Completely human.

Goes human.

Cat ears and cat tail.

Meanwhile, in another state, Jason barricades himself in his apartment.

None of them can ever find out. None of them can ever find out. NONE OF THEM CAN EVER FIN-

Jason thinks he's the only bat who woke up with cat ears and a cat tail.

#neko au #blame ffxiv for this okay #fml #dcxdp #dpxdc #dp x dc #dc x dp #story prompt #phanfic #jason in the middle of freaking out #cass just APPEARS like she do and touches the tail #jason's scream is high enough that cass's ears ring #gonna give damian a treat and say he gets it too #u know he'd be absolutely OBSESSED with using the cat ears and tail to communicate with Alfred the Cat better #kid over here just casually trying to learn animal language

[riickgrimes]

2.03 // 2.08

#the bear #thebearedit #the bear spoilers #sydcarmy #sydcarmyedit #carmy berzatto #dailyflicks #televisiongifs #jeremy allen white #userlolo #usersophie #usergreta #mine and only mine #idk i just feel a type of way about this #like this is very important to me #HE'S TRYING #he wants to do better for her #if he's wrong he wants to know so he can do better next time #he doesn't want to lose her and is willing to LISTEN and LEARN #like that is so important #*** #thousand

[moog-enthusiast]

you don’t get to choose if you’re gay or straight.

Sunny does. If sunny says so, then you are.

#omori #omori sunny #omori kel #omori suntan #obv caption is a joke!! #selectively mute sunny is probably my favorite sunny hc #selectively mute sunny #i like drawing the asl signs! hopefully i’m doing an okay job at it. #i am learning- trying to get better! #if i fuck ip the signs please don’t hesitate to let me know i don’t like being wrong!!

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

True love is possible only in the next world. For new people. It it too late for us.

(Redraw for @pakhnokh's DTIYS post!)

#better drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangij #Finally I can redraw a pahknokh piece with *permission* B*) #I was so excited to see you (pakhnohk) do a dtiys! It's such a fun skill building activity & I really hope to see more people bring it back #The composition and melancholic feeling of the original piece is so lovely! Thank's for setting this up! #Lighting is still kind of my enemy. In the way that getting curb stomped is my enemy. I had fun trying to figure it out though but... #I have a long way to go and that's okay! #Sadly I feel like I overworked this and made the colours a mess B*( That's *Also* Okay - I learned something from it. #The Robert Kurvitz quote is one that I feel *really* fits the heartache of the yiling laozu and hanguang-jun era. #As painful as it is...No...I don't think there was ever a chance they could have had a true romance in wwx's first life #It was always going to be a tragedy. #Sometimes the right person comes at the wrong time. And when you realize what they really mean to you it is the wrong time once again #They get to try again though! They get to be happy B'*)

[theminecraftbee]

okay, so in a rare moment for me, there's a discourse thing i want to bring up, and that thing is. okay. so on iskall's stream there's this thing that can happen where someone brings up a criticism of his content or vault hunters. frequently it's self-evidently wrong, but sometimes it's not. and then iskall spends the next thirty minutes shadowboxing this guy, explaining himself, and completely derailed. and this is an iskall trait we all know and sigh bemusedly about, because he cares about the community and wants people to understand his intentions! he wants the community to understand his decisions!

however, it's not the community as a whole he's fighting; he is in fact, arguing with One Guy, who often doesn't represent the wider community, and who normally won't have their mind changed. hell, sometimes it's believable that they're satisfied having just managed to upset iskall, and they'll leave, no change to their mind, perfectly pleased that iskall's responding at all (that's what i firmly believe the people who poke at the 'you don't upload enough and that means you're falling off and a bad person' wound are trying to do, at least).

in the vault hunters community, we refer to this as iskall getting One Guyed, and it's typically viewed as bad, because it ends up focusing an entire moment on a single guy's negative opinion as opposed to on the larger picture. and it's an understandable thing to have happen! but it's frustrating to watch from the outside.

and so now i am looking at that cat poll. and the way everyone is still shadowboxing someone who has since apologized. and the way i would have never ever known about any of the negative comments about jellie if it weren't for fellow mcyt fans constantly putting them on my dash to dunk on them. and it's like. if you look through the notes most of them are just... normal? it's only a tiny few of people (and the pollrunner, who has since apologized) who were being dicks. it's a very, very ignorable demographic.

but. well. there was One Guy. and we had to correct them.

and folks, i don't know how to say that i almost never see "lol mcyt is cringe" type comments unless one of you puts it on my dash. both because i don't go looking through the notes of things that are likely to have them or go looking for reasons to be upset and because it's just... not that common! very frequently these days it is, in fact, One Guy!

i have almost never seen that poll on my dash without at least one instance of the One Guy. instead of being for fun, it's mostly become about explaining ourselves to someone who will not listen and will not change their minds, and treating this as a the whole of the Other Side of that poll, when most people are being... fine. they're fine! the majority of the people voting for the other side are doing it for perfectly normal reasons that don't require fighting about.

and man. let me tell you. after spending as long as i have watching vault hunters development? it can be just as frustrating to watch a fandom get One Guyed as it is to watch iskall.

#discourse #i am immediately turning notes off for this post as a heads up because i HATE discoursing but #man. i feel like i need to point this out. #sometimes you'll be happier if you go 'that was One Guy huh. better just block them and move on. i won't change their mind.' #one day this fandom will learn. #cat of the year poll #<- for those also trying to block it #also i know in many ways this is just me contributing i'm aware of my flaws #but sometimes i think this fandom needs to step back and realize it doesn't really need to fight the world. #sometimes someone says a mean thing. that sucks! you do not need to fight them for two days about it though. #and we do this with polls but also other people's innocuous comments SO MUCH. #so here i am.

[kawaii-chronicles]

Wait there is actual lore ?!

Always has been.

#I'm sorry i wanted to finish this a while back but i got sick ! feeling bit better now so maybe i can try to do some real shit finally ! #digital art #my art #poppy playtime #catnap #poppy playtime oc #poppy playtime player #Don't judge me how i did the blood im using a new brush for it ! I'm learning !

[crescentfool]

orpheus and thanatos 💚

#persona 3 #ryomina #ryoji mochizuki #minato arisato #makoto yuki #lizzy does art #HIII EVERYONE :3 happy halloween.... (has been working on this for four weeks off and on) #i've always yearned to see art of ryoji and minato based on thanatos and orpheus!!! #i know that ryoji can be likened to being the eurydice figure which i agree with but I HAVE BEEN THINKING SO HARD ABT THEM LIKE THIS OK. #it was nice to give drawing something more ambitious (for my standards) an earnest try again! i love working with lineless and lighting #and working on this has inspired me to HOPEFULLY start doing some studies of sorts! i want to learn so many things... #all so that i can make ryomina as epic as possible... #also LET ME TELL YOU that thanatos coffins are making me realize i seriously need to do drawabox or something. #trying to put them in perspective is hard... but im pretty happy with what i made!!! #also can i just say i love how shapely orpheus is?? i love orpheus joints etc etc its so nice. very fresh #sighs longingly. i love them very much they make me want to do better at things. i hope everyone has a wonderful week ahead! 💙 #very excited to see what people do for ryomina week (<- they haven't made anything 4 it yet bc Busy... but i'll submit smthn late maybe)

[canisalbus]

I have to ask what drew vasco into falling in love with machete?

His snivelling runt ways were just that irresistable.

#no they were best friends first #it wasn't love at first sight #I think Vasco just gradually noticed that Machete is sincere and kindhearted and genuinely tries to be a good person #and it's hard not to appreciate that Vasco is known for having those qualities too his are just a lot more evident #he's an one person dog but when he gets attached to you he's fervently dedicated loyal caring and supportive #he's perceptive thoughtful and a good listener #sensible highly responsible and keeps his promises #does his part or dies trying even if no one is there to notice #he's learned knowledgeable and a lot more sharp-witted than people give him credit for and infodumps as a love language #their interests and ideologies overlap or at least complement each other #he has problems but really tries to do better and never takes any help he's given for granted #he always dresses well smells nice and has soft pettable fur #and he can be kind of funny and cute in his own dorky way #and Vasco sees how his presence continuously brings out the best qualities in him #and cherishes the fact he can be such a positive force in someone's life #answered #anonymous #Vaschete lore

[skunkes]

old drawings i found and enjoyed while looking for something else

#a doodley #i dont know what happened. some of these are from so little ago and i cant do em anymore #i used to take full color full body couple comms now i cant even draw oc self ship interactions anymore. #granted the comms werent that good either but ykwim i cant even do it for leisure anymore #and its also so weird when i look at my old stuff that i always have like. non linear improvement. it rises and falls all the time #thats not good! why cant i Keep what i learn! and why does Learning make my art worse when im trying to make it better.... #its crazy seeing how well i could draw faces (sometimes) before i started studying faces. now they rarely look as good. #alas. once again i feel im the result of a non artist forcing their way to it ykwim #an equivalent of a land mammal trying to live underwater

[portsandstars]

vere cosplay progress:)

#touchstarved #touchstarved game #vere #personal #cosplay #OK SO #The belt buckles I've made look horrendous so they might not make the cut for wearing it at the con. #I would rather have no belt details than ugly belt details #I may do a poll later to see if u think it looks better with or without #the second belt with the metal triangle on his exposed leg also looks ugly #but that one is easier to possibly resolve #his metal leg bands are in the works #but it's def wearable for the con #u can't see but I put on all the makeup too-just didn't put in the contacts or lashes bc I was tired lol #btw ITS SO HARD TO GET THESE ARM BANDS ON WITH THE GLOVES AND WVERYRGUNG ARGH #if u want patterns or consultation (if ur trying to make it) dm me and I'll share whatever I have:> #which I have learned a LOT of practical info that would help someone coming along after me haha

[kindledrose]

goofy hermit doodles!! because uhh why not!!

#cubfan135 #zedaph #hermitcraft #hermitcraft fanart #sorry for making zed purple-coded do you still love me /j (it's kind of a magenta. so.) #this was my first time drawing cub (unless you count scraps of doodles from like 2019 that i probably lost a while ago) !! #and as such it was a definite learning process! i could definitely draw him better now i think but this one turned out okay for now #i still feel like i didn't do him justice though.. i'll try again tomorrow #zed on the other hand came out fantastic and then i proceeded to not be able to draw him well ever again (he's from a few days ago) #fun fact i was trying to write a desert duo-centric little story a couple days ago and i randomly put cub in as a placeholder character for #-scar to talk to in a scene and my entire story accidentally became about convex instead. whoopsies #also zed lives in scar's basement. cub does too but he actually pays rent. they don't know about zed so it's funny #scar's house is a theme park. his basement is a hole #it's a whole thing. why am i talking about this? i don't know i'm really tired ok #doodles #reblogs super appreciated as always :D

[ayatheav]

you ever think about wriothesley and neuvillette. like not even in a necessarily romantic way. in a "i trust the justice system but fought hard to put the man boy i condemned in the position in power in the place outside my jurisdiction because he's so good" way. in a "the person who trusts me now saw me at my worst, recognised that, does not hold it against me" way. in a "i couldn't help you but you forgave me" way. neuvillette seeing how the system can hurt people further, but not destroy them. there's always hope in humanity. wriothesley being kicked down all his life, finally being fought for by no other than the powerful man who decided his fate, yes, but who would not let it define him. "congratulations, i see you finally found something you wish to do". im fine this is fine its cool

#this is literally just word soup but its the best i can do. brain full and i need to get it out now #im inconsolable!! the more i think about it!!!!!! #genshin impact #wriolette #wriothesley #neuvillette #brainrot #hyv pleaseeee let them interact more #im trying to learn how to draw masculine features better 90% just to draw them. when the french yaoi hits hard

[cryptid-condor]

the deer prince and the golden doe

from chapter 34 of Salt00's fic Chick Magnet

please click for HD tumblr is killing this one

#what's up nerds #fire emblem three houses #claude von riegan #fe3h #chick magnet took over my life for like 2 months #i've never managed to get through any fic over 150000 words before but uh..... here i am #i'm on chapter 79 #its like really damn good #i haven't even played the golden deer route yet but i would die for all of them #i feel like the shading on this one is way better than what i did for Dogs of Heaven #i'm getting better! i need to learn how to not do soft shading tho jeez #on the plus now i know how to make glowing molten gold which is the best part of the whole picture tbh #the working title was 'dear deer prince' which is very fun to say #i am going to TRY 52 pieces 52 weeks again but i'll see what happens #but this is week one! and pic one #all my rat

[horsemeatluvr23]

zedaph!!! coloured pencil n fineliner :D ngl i rly struggled w getting a photo of this one .. i ended up scanning it but i think it washed out a lot of the pencil detail n ended up looking like i deep fried it lmao. u will all just have to trust me when i say this looks better irl

#i rly enjoyed the process of this drawing but i don't love the final version... but i had fun so who cares!! #i rly wanna get better at doing coloured pencil stuff i find it so hard for some reason .. i think the colour theory side of it trips me up #trying to learn media that relies on your knowledge of colour theory is a Struggle as a colourblind artist lmaooo #anyways i love zedaph's videos so much he is utterly insane and i am obsessed. watching him break the boundaries of the game is so fun #his videos r just so enjoyable he is so easy to watch n he comes up with the most deranged ideas yet somehow always makes it work #i love how he gameifies everything it just adds another layer of challenge (and therefore satisfaction) to the game #his mind is truly. so unique... that sounds like an insult but i swear it isn't #i want to study him in a lab #he would probably study me back #horsemeat gallery #zedaph #zedaph fanart #zedaphplays #hermitcraft #horsemeatluvr does hermitaday #hermitaday