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thefanficmonster · 3 years

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When You Put It Like That

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: FLUFF, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: After a long time of trying to convince the angel-like Y/N to utter a single bad word, Corpse’s attempts are finally met with success but not the way he expected.

Requested by Anon. Hi hun! Thank you so much for this fluffy request, it was a ton of fun to write! I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to complete and post it but here it finally is and if you happen to come across it and read it, I hope you enjoy the experience hehe. Love, Vy ❤

“Wait, wait, wait, what did I miss?“ I say as I hop into the Discord call and the Among Us server, running five minutes late since I got carried away reading my chat. My fans tend to do that to me - make me lose track of time and everything else. That’s why I usually try to connect to the call and game before I turn to look at my chat. Unfortunately, I forgot that bit today.

“Omg, Y/N! Put the cat ears on! It’s for the greater good, just trust me!“ Rae commands urgently. Amusingly enough, in the background, muffled a little by her voice is Corpse’s, telling me not to.

“Not that I need a reason to wear cat ears...“ I trail off, equipping the cat ears both in-game and IRL. Yes, I own a pair of cat ears, is that so surprising? “But can someone fill me in on what’s happening?“

“’Cat girls are ruining my life’ just surpassed twenty million views on YouTube, so we’re celebrating! And Mr. Popular Pants over here keeps being a party pooper, saying it’s not a big deal and refusing to put on cat ears.“

That’s when I notice that Corpse’s avatar is the only one wearing a different accessory than the rest of us. It’s this kind of tantrum-throwing-toddler that gets me laughing my butt off every single time. Add to it the witty sibling banter between him and Rae, fun for the whole family. Well, ok, not quite for the whole family with the curse words they sometimes drop left and right.

Speaking of cursing, I don’t do it. I was raised in a household where a curse word would earn me and my siblings a punishment - always different and never not creative but most importantly - always intense enough to make us regret saying a no-no word with our parents or grandparents around. That’s kind of stuck with me and I can’t really get over it. Even when I’m upset, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is that censor word YouTubers use to not get demonetized. I’ve been using those words all my life: shoot, freak, frick, crap, darn etc. - so my channel is always kept kid-friendly in that aspect. Now with that context in mind, you’ll understand better the shock I received for this next move I made.

“Corpse, Corpse darling, listen to me. It’s not a big deal, it’s a HUGE deal. Don’t play the humble card with us, we know you too well. Allow us to be as excited as you were when you find out!“ I start off sweetly enough, “Sounds good?“

Corpse hesitates for a second, mumbling something under his breath before replying, “Ok, I guess.“

“Great!“ I clap my hands together, “Then put on the fucking cat ears!“

To say everyone in the call, especially Corpse, is stunned would be an understatement. Hell, I’m even stunned for a second or two, my eyebrows raising at my own out of character words. And, as a person who’s only cursed a countable-on-the-fingers-of-one-hand times in her life, boy did it feel freeing and relieving. Why haven’t I been doing it sooner, for fuck’s sake?!

This must be a huge success for everyone present, once again - especially for Corpse who’s been trying to get me to curse basically since the start of our friendship. He seems too shocked to even claim and flaunt his win over my willpower to keep my language clean, which I honestly appreciate.

“Well, when you put it like that...“ He finally mutters, his voice barely reaching me through the ‘oh my Gosh‘ squeals from Rae, Poki, Lily and Leslie who never thought their tries would lead to success. On the screen, I watch as his little black colored avatar equips the famous cat ears, “...How could I possibly complain?“

“Hell fucking yeah!“ I shout, clapping my hands together, “Wooo fucking hooo!“

“Ok, how the hell are we gonna stop her now? Is there a switch we can flip?“ Toast asks, faux concern in his voice.

“Shut it, Toast. I’ve worked far too hard to have her going back to being an angel!“ Corpse retorts, sending me and the rest of the players in a fit of laughter.

It’s true! He’s been working hella hard to get at least one curse word out of me, bribing me with immunity, threatening to kill me first in Among Us, offering an alliance or being my bodyguard or whatever else I could possibly fall for.

Hey, at least I didn’t get bribed into it, right?

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lilydalexf · 3 years

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Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Sophia Jirafe

Seven of Sophia Jirafe’s fics are at Gossamer, but more of her X-Files stories are at AO3 (as sophiahelix). I’ve recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including Stones and Bones. She was active in the fandom during the show’s run and has never strayed far from fandom in general. She co-founded Glass Onion, a great multi-fandom mailing list that now has nearly 1,000 fics from 100 fandoms at AO3. Big thanks to Sophia Jirafe for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

It did initially, but so many old shows are on streaming now and getting discovered by new people, it makes sense.

I did get a comment from someone who said my first story under this name, posted in early 2000 when I was a college freshman, was older than her by a couple of months, and THAT took me aback.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

It was my first fandom, discovered when I was 17 and searching for info about the show on the school library computer, and it really shaped my whole life! I met a lot of people I still know today (mostly in non-fannish venues like FB, though I do still have some connections in fandom), and learned a lot about writing and just life generally, since I was younger than most of fandom at the time.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

I started off on a tiny forum at a website called Squirrel’s Nest, but I kept seeing people thanking Scullyfic in fic headers and eventually I was able to join the mailing list (which was capped to 500 members). Scullyfic was everything to me — I made friends, betas, discussed the show, learned about all kinds of things on Off-Topic Fridays, etc. A lot of those friends, I would email with or more often chat on AIM (individual or these sprawling group chats that would go on all day), and then at the end of 2001 we started migrating to Livejournal. I was getting into Buffy more by then, but it was still mostly the same crowd of people I knew from Scullyfic.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

I feel like it started me on a whole life path really — finding that my deep obsession with fiction could be channeled like that and shared with other people, as well as deepening my writing. Online fandom has been a major part of my social life for over 20 years now, and I love the mix of getting excited about things with friends and also the creative outlet.

My corner of X-Files fandom in particular was just very calm and enjoyable for the most part, full of older professional women who were happy to be friends and give me advice about all kinds of things, and it really set the bar for me with my online interactions. Now I’m almost 40 and trying to be that person for my younger friends, as well as having no patience for toxicity and in-fighting in my fandom spaces.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

A combination of the creepy conspiracy angle and just adoring Scully. I remember how mysterious and fascinating the show seemed when I discovered it right before S5, and there was no way to find out more except to keep watching and hoping they explained. Scully was so smart and tough and beautiful and interesting, and as a teen I was just captivated by her (and the UST, though I didn’t care about Mulder as much).

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I ran across it a couple times early on but felt embarrassed by the concept, but then I read the first in Karen Rasch’s Words series and suddenly it clicked for me. After a while I started daydreaming my own conversations between them, very similar to what happens to me now when I’m getting into a new pairing, so after reading tons of recommended fic by big authors, I started writing my own (the 3-4 stories I posted in high school are all wiped from the internet now, though).

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Good memories, though because it was my senior year of high school and college, I know a lot of it is just tied to that time in my life, and also being in my very first fandom. I will rewatch episodes from time to time, but I basically never revisit former fandoms because they’re kind of like exes, even if I finished on a good note. I also think my taste in fic has changed (and there isn’t the same novelty of “characters I like getting together omg!”)

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

So many! None of them had quite the same combination of excellent central architecture (especially pre-AO3) and a really high level of discussion and friendliness without being enormous, but I’ve loved them all in their own ways. I’ve done fandom on LJ/DW, Tumblr, Discord, and now on Twitter, and I think I miss the mailing list days the most. You didn’t have to repeat yourself so much in multiple conversations, you weren’t character limited, and the discussion was all in one place, with personal stuff more confined to your side conversations. Discord is a little like that, but it moves too fast and there’s too much noise for my taste.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

Heh, after X-Files I went through a whole phase of faves in the Scully vein — Buffy, Aeryn Sun, Kara Thrace, etc. Like many people I’ve shifted primarily into m/m in the last decade (Sherlock, YOI, and recently The Untamed have been my major fictional fandoms, along with a lot of sports RPF), but for non-fannish shows I’m always looking for awesome new female characters, like Elizabeth on the Americans, Peggy on Mad Men, Nadja on What We Do in the Shadows, etc. And I do LOVE Killing Eve and have written a little f/f over there.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I’ll rewatch favorite episodes occasionally, and I keep thinking about a full rewatch but it takes so much time! I never saw the second movie, and I didn’t finish the first of the new seasons because I was hating it, so it’s a little hard for me to think fannishly about them when I disliked basically everything after “Je Souhaite” so much (as far as I’m concerned the show ends there).

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

X-Files no, but yeah I’m still very active in fandoms.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

I lost all my saved fic several computers ago, but I recall loving “Blue Christmas” by Plausible Deniability and “Diamonds and Rust” by MustangSally (obviously everything she wrote was great).

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Looking at my X-Files fic, I can’t believe how short it is and how comparatively little of it there is (I have lost track of a few ficlets). It felt like such a big deal to finish anything back then! I think my favorite remains Alphabetum, which involved a tricky structure and 5 elements given by people as part of the Scullyfic Improv challenge, where you had a week to write a story around those elements.

My favorite of my recent fic in fictional fandoms is probably the GoT/YOI crossover novel I wrote a couple years ago, for a completely opposite experience to this (and proof you can grow as a writer with a lot of effort!)

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

It’s honestly hard to imagine going back (like I said, I usually don’t), but I guess I could get inspired by something.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I certainly still write, and I do have to give credit to XF fandom and Scullyfic in particular for giving me the start I got, where I really wanted to be writing good fiction. The few things I wrote in high school were just me jamming out romantic cliches, but the people I was lucky to know in XF fandom showed me that “just” fanfic can still aspire to be high quality. I am a much, much better and more disciplined writer than I was back then, but I might never have started on this path without fandom friends encouraging me.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

Usually just daydreaming about emotional dynamics between characters/people, but sometimes something specific in canon or real life (I write a lot of RPF) gets me going, or maybe something I read.

What's the story behind your pen name?

When I wrote for X-Files, I picked “Sophia Jirafe” combining my favorite first name with a fancy spelling for my favorite animal (I was 18! Don’t judge!) Over on Livejournal, my friend Jintian and I initially shared an account with the same name as our website, double_helix, and when she got her own account I changed to sophia_helix, which is now sophiahelix just about everywhere. A little clunky, but I like the continuity (and I do run across old friends who remember the name).

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

The friends I’ve known for a very long time know about it, but we have never talked about it in depth. My husband, who I met not long after getting into fandom, also knows about it, and he’s encouraging and also a writer so we talk all the time. I told my mom in college and she was pretty dismissive, so we haven’t talked about it since (but my younger sister knows and is cool about it).

When I was younger, it was something I shared readily (I bonded with a new friend in law school I saw looking at LJ), but now I don’t really bring it up with new acquaintances.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

I just made a Carrd the other day with all my various fannish addresses (Twitter, locked fannish Twitter, AO3, Tumblr)

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Just that it really was a high quality fandom — so much excellent long casefic, so many cool down to earth people, just generally a great launching place for a young fan. The friendships I made with older people were really important to me, and it makes me sad to see a lot of younger people now getting upset about the idea of anyone over a certain age being in their fandom spaces. I hope someday fandom can get back to appreciating that people of all ages can be the fandom type, and that everyone brings something different to the community.

(Posted by Lilydale on December 1, 2020)

#new post #old school x #xfiles fanfic #xf fanfic #xf fanfic author interviews #sophia jirafe

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chromalogue · 3 years

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Alive. Healthy. Chugging along. Still rubbish at communicating.

I spent the holiday season making approximately 20 different kinds of cookies. It was supposed to be more but I ran out of time and spoons. Some of them, like salted double chocolate cookies and plum slice (which turned out to be a. crabapple slice and b. wildly popular to the point where I didn’t get any) were very successful, and some, like rye flour wreaths and poppyseed sablés, were a bewildering waste of time. But I do have nice pictures of everything. And way too late for me to make anything to order, a couple of people got in touch asking for baking and goodies, and it was nice to have something to give them.

Highlights from last year’s books include Jordan Ifueko’s Raybearer, Aminatta Forna’s Happiness, and Sarah Perry’s The Essex Serpent.

Right now, among other things, I am reading and very much enjoying Paul Féval’s 1867 novel La Ville-Vampire. It is Ann Radcliffe RPF with all sorts of wry observations about the exotic and ever-so-slightly-wrongheaded character of the English people (you know, the way English gothic novels wrote about the rest of Europe), and it is a delight.

A few months into the pandemic, I got in touch with one of my best friends from Toronto, because she really needed to watch The Witcher. Since then, we get together on a phone call every Thursday or Friday and watch stuff. I turn off sound and put on subtitles, and hear her audio through the phone, so if it’s not perfectly synced it’s okay. We’ve also been through She-Ra, Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, The Dragon Prince, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, Adventure Zone: Hootenanny, a surprisingly good high school production of Phantom of the Opera, and we’re just starting Raising Dion.

Will and I loved the heck out of Lupin.

And the Roku Channel has Hunter, which I loved as a tween. I’ve been watching it for the nostalgia and because it’s a kind of show I don’t even think they make anymore, i.e. a show I can have on while doing something else and not worry about what I’m missing. But JEEZ. Every terrible (both narratively and morally) cop show trope you see being mocked, picked apart, critiqued, or lampooned? It’s here, and it’s so darned earnest, and it explains so darned much. Poke it a little and Reaganomics dribbles out (trickles down?).

Some enterprising soul also put the whole of Jul i Blodfjell (Christmas on Blood Mountain) on YouTube, and my soul sang. I’d heard bits and seen the odd clip, so I was keen to watch. Fellow North Americans, this is a genre I never even knew existed, even though I’d seen a previous example from Ylvis: the Julekalender. There’s an episode every day of December, until the 24th. And this is a slasher murder mystery comedy Julekalender. The episodes were about twelve minutes long, and when I was trying to decompress after a whole gruelling night of Christmas cookies, and just needed to sit down long enough to shove some bread and cheese in my mouth and chug a smoothie before going to bed, these were just the thing.

We’ve heard, not necessarily that vitamin D makes COVID better but that vitamin D deficiency makes it worse, so I asked Will if he wanted me to get him some, and he said sure.

“Do you want the grownup kind or the fun kind?” I asked, because I had been sharing my vitamin D gummies with him and he seemed to like them.

“The grownup kind,” he said, in a tone that suggested it was a silly question.

So I got him some of the flavourless kind you’re supposed to swallow. And when I brought it to him he was like, “Oh... I thought they’d be gummy.”

The community group is not feeling super great. The new chair has been micromanaging. After the second e-mail that left me so furious I couldn’t sleep, I replied to the effect of, “When you coach me on how to do work I did professionally for years, I feel like you’re sending the message that I’m not a good fit for this organization. I don’t disagree, but we can’t afford to lose members, so let me serve my term to the best of my abilities and I’ll be out of your hair.”

He apologized, said he definitely valued my skills, and told me that he was changing our procedures so that those skills would no longer be needed. When I said I’d like to see how the committee felt about changing those procedures, he brought it to a meeting, let two people speak in favour, and then was like, “Welp, everyone agrees with me, it’s a done deal!” No vote or anything. Just a decree.

THEN he got in touch to ask me if I would do THE SAME THING I’VE BEEN DOING ALL ALONG, THAT HE JUST HUMILIATED AND BULLIED ME OUT OF, but ONLY FOR HIM.

Virtually everyone who knows what happened thinks I should resign, and maybe I should. But we had been working for three years when this dude came on, and he does not get to own this project, and his bad behaviour does not get to take it down. And I mean, he’s been pretty consistent in underestimating me and minimizing my work, so he probably forgets that some of my previous experience comes from workplaces a lot more toxic than this one. I’m equipped to deal, and now that he’s flipped the bully switch, there are a bunch of friendly small-town softening behaviours that I’d adopted for meetings here, that I feel empowered to discontinue.

When I mentioned offhand to my dad that last Valentine’s Day Will and I had gone out for dinner, and this year it seemed unlikely, so I was gonna have to think of something, my dad said, “You two like mussels, right? Why don’t you invite him over here and we’ll have mussels? Your mom will eat some.”

So yeah. This Valentine’s Day we’re planning a super romantic dinner with my parents.

At 159 800 words on the new thing. Now all I need to do is research Viking legal codes. Good times!

#long post #stuff I've been meaning to write for ages #I miss you folks

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hugthygoalie · 5 years

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Sports et al is looking for new members!

What with tumblr dealing in censorship, we thought it would be a good time to invite people who might be interested in joining! Keep scrolling for more info!

What is Sports et al?

Our Discord sever is a place for people who love sports and athletes to talk about their favorite teams, players, and competitions. The server is RPF-friendly, meaning that there are sections dedicated to shipping and fannish creations. If you’re not a fan of RPF, that’s okay too! We do our best to keep the RPF content in its own section.

What can I find on your server?

Enthusiasm, fun, sportsmanship, spirited discussion, game day reactions, thirst bait, chatfic, rarepairs, shared AUs, gifs, articles, and more! No matter what team you love, you’re welcome.

Why is the server 18+?

Sports et al is considered an adult space. General chat is SFW, but anything goes in the other channels, though typically actual nudity is kept to the not safe for work channel.

Is this a hockey server?

The majority of our server members are hockey fans, but we have discussion channels for all major North American pro sports as well as figure skating and tennis, and there are people happy to discuss baseball, basketball, American football, actual football, and anything else you can name. We would love to have more members who want to discuss sports that aren’t hockey!

How do I join?

Message/send an ask to @hugthygoalie or @farashasilver on tumblr, or DM @foxy_foxfire on twitter!

#hockey #Colorado Avalanche #Pittsburgh Penguins #hockey rpf #sports rpf

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fanfictionlive · 5 years

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What's new on the Discord? November Edition.

Hejsan,

Your friendly neighbourhood Taff comes back around with some news from the subreddit's Discord.

Fandom Buckets!

We've introduced a number of new channels since last time I floated by here. The Fandom Buckets. Each bucket includes two broad section of fiction, giving our userbase more room to flail alongside each other. The lobbies are still here to talk about fandom, writing, and whatever else, but now there's always room to spread out.

.#anime-manga

.#books-theater

.#cartoons-comics

.#movies-shows

.#videogames-ttrpg

.#rpf-historical

.#original-worldbuilding

Yes, we have an original fiction channel, too. We're writers, and often we want to work on building our own fandoms.

Naturally, we're monitoring usage of the channels for the time being. It might be that we'll shrink them back down, or condense them a little, or that things will remain as they are.

Sharing Channels

We've also had quite a bit of success with our new sharing channels, dividing sharing into two sections, based on fic rating. From Everyone to Teen, and Mature to beyond. (So if you like, just want to find random stuff to read from folks you might know? Drop in and start reading.)

What else though?

Oh. Yeah.

First Creative Writing Workshop

We have our own first creative writing workshop starting on the 15th (this week). Anticipating that this will be a full success, I am expecting us to bring it around more frequently.

In short, the Workshop is meant to provide a structured form of live feedback and constructive criticism, and to provide information on helpful techniques, tricks, tips, or general knowledge about the writing craft and how it can be helpful in the writing of fanfiction.

Drabble Night is Back!

What's that? That's that.

On the 1st and 2nd of December, Drabble Night will return. An hour each of writing together and earning a lovely little badge.

The Pledge 2018

Signups may now have to go directly through me, but our Holiday Season giving month is still a big thing. Come and pledge to write a gift fic for someone, or write 10 reviews at 100 words each.

Pledge to write a Gift Fic

Write and gift a fic of at least 1000 words, preferably to someone on our Discord. Though we understand that some people don’t share common fandoms, and a gift to a fandom friend outside of our community will do as well.

Pledge 10 reviews of at least 100 words each

It’s up to you if you want to pick a single multi chapter fic or ten one shots, or if you want to spread the love across multiple writers or dedicate it all to one. As long as they are from our Discord/Reddit community.

submitted by /u/tafferling [link] [comments] from FanFiction: Where Magical Ponies battle Imperial Titans https://ift.tt/2zTdmX0

#fan fiction #writing #fanfiction #tv show #series #movie #fan #write

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thefanficmonster · 3 years

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Filterless

Corpse Husband x Plus-sized Reader (Female)

Warnings: Body Image Insecurities, Low self-esteem, Swearing

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Feeling comfortable in her skin has hardly ever been the case for Y/N who’s been struggling with body image issues all her life. However, they only get worse when she sees the ‘type’ of girls her crush is into.

Requested by Anon. Hi darling! Thank you so much for your request (hits close to home 😅) I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to fulfill it and post it but here it finally is and if you’ve stuck around long enough to read it, I hope you enjoy! ALSO! - Never forget how beautiful and amazing you are. Never compare your beauty to someone else’s. We’re all beautiful people and we all shine so brightly and uniquely. No one deserves to be compared to anyone when we’re all so different yet so incredible. Love you and appreciate you with all my heart, Vy ❤

If I ever need my ego taken down a few notches - it never does, it’s barely even present, to be honest - all I have to do is go on Instagram. To be honest, regardless of how I’m feeling, opening that app is bound to make my mood plummet and come crashing into the ground so hard it drives a hole in it - probably in the form of a broken heart.

Being a content creator myself, I often get asked questions about my absence on that social platform specifically. I mean, the questions are based and rational I guess, considering I’m not a faceless YouTuber and yet my Instagram account is void of any photos. It’s not like I don’t post at all - I do! I post on my story often but it’s more often than not scenery I find pretty or a poster I’ve made for a movie/video game. Bottom line is: I barely ever allow a picture of me to make it online. The most my fans are ever gonna get of me is a selfie which is also a super rare occurrence because of how long it takes me to take and choose one I don’t hate.

Ok, but how am I supposed to find the motivation to post any sort of picture of myself when on my timeline I’m always faced with people worthy of posting pictures of themselves. People with such perfect bodies and beautiful faces. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not jealous or envious of those people - good for them! They know what they’re working with and they’re working it well. I have nothing against them, in fact, I love seeing people proud of their bodies no matter their size, shape or weight. Those are my role-models: people who are proud of themselves, their bodies, their attributes and capabilities and don’t hesitate to show them off. Those are the people I look up to but, deep down inside I know I’ll never be like.

Insecure about my body, having been referred to as ‘chubby’ and ‘squishy’ all my life. Inappreciative of the stuff I do: starting from my job as a graphic designer leading towards my job on YouTube - nothing I do, professionally or otherwise, satisfies me. Nothing I do is enough in my eyes because I feel incapable of ever being able to do enough. I’ve been called lazy and a half-asser a few too many times to be able to brush it off as a meaningless insult.

With these problems I’ve had with myself and my own perception of who I am and the work I do, I’ve never had the time for romance or romantic relationships. I second-guess the intentions of everyone who ever shows any interest in me because in my mind I’m nothing special and I have nothing to offer - nothing attractive or likable at least. That being said, I haven’t even been one to make heart eyes at others either. I busy myself with my job and some side-gigs, brushing off any relationship questions with the excuse that I’m ‘just too busy to be in a relationship’ which is technically true.

Having spent twenty plus years with that mindset, one can imagine how surprised I was when I found myself catching feelings for someone. And that someone just couldn’t be any other than the biggest YouTube sensation at the moment - Corpse Husband.

I’m close friends with Poki - her and I were roommates at one point too - so her inviting me to play Among Us with them wasn’t so strange. One or two games, I thought, nothing unusual there, just friendly curtesy. I wasn’t expecting to warm up to the group of famous streamers nor did I expect them to welcome me among them so easily, mostly because my channel is so small and practically invisible to the YouTube algorithm. But soon enough, I became a permanent member of the team, making friends with every single one of those YouTubers I practically thought of a celebrities.

This journey of branching out to other content creators has proven itself to be surprisingly pleasant and has packed my book of friendships to the brim. All of that came unexpectedly, along with a wave of new subs and a higher view count. However, as I mentioned, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I came to finally understand what my high school friends were talking about when they were head over heels for a boy - the butterflies in the stomach whenever he speaks your name; the importance of the laugh you share with him, how special and different it is; how cool it is to be impostors with him - ok they never said that, obviously, but it’s what I have as a substitute to the ‘when the two of you make eye-contact’ bullshit since Corpse and I have never seen each other in person. That is, of course, because of him being a faceless YouTuber and me being a self-conscious and insecure girl.

We do talk all the time though - texting, calling, chilling on Discord, you name it. Our conversations range from deeply philosophical to ones that might mislead someone into thinking we’re high. There’s no topic we haven’t touched upon and yet we still manage to find something new to talk about. We have plenty of similarities but we also never seem to run out of differences we slowly come across as we keep getting to know each other better and better.

And somewhere along that journey I ended up catching feelings.

Human nature of wanting to connect with other people, I curse you for what you’ve done to me.

You might think I’m being overdramatic about the whole ordeal and that this is just a normal, natural occurrence many people experience in their life - some even daily. Well, not only am I far from used to it, but it’s also taking a toll of a different kind on me.

It’s like a constant slap to the face.

That slap turned into a punch when Corpse and I started following each other on Instagram and I started getting daily reminders of how out of my depth I am with this crush on him. In over my head, especially when you look at all those girls whose pics and videos he reposts on his story. Imagine how that makes me feel, what that does to me - puts me back into the ‘Constantly not good enough‘ basket, the one I’ve been fighting to get out of all my life. In the past and in different contexts I could easily say that it was all just my mind hating me intensely but now - now that I know for a fact I’m not good enough and don’t fit Corpse’s criteria - it hurts ten times as much. I’m not one to do shit for someone’s attention or to attract someone’s eyes, but it really hurts my feelings. Often times, it also leads me to doing dumb things and making rash decisions.

Like the one I made two days ago.

Imagine me cringing and shaking my head at my own stupidity as I admit this: I, in a frenzy, ordered a whole e-girl getup with overnight delivery.

Wait, hold up, it gets worse.

I received it yesterday and spent the whole day regretting that decision, but then, in my most insecure hours - which was somewhere around midnight - I equipped the get-up, took a picture and posted it on my Instagram page. First full body pic I’ve ever posted on there. First pic I’ve posted there of any kind. There to stay, not to be gone in twenty four hours. First pic, and it’s not even of me. It’s of who I want to be in order to fit someone’s criteria. And that fucking stings.

As you might imagine, I’ve spent today’s day regretting that decision as well. Recently my mood’s been nothing but regretting rash decisions that have surfaced under the influence of my ridiculous, constantly-present insecurities. And I would’ve probably gotten over it rather quickly had I not received a message from Corpse that read:

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic“

I didn’t open the message, I peeped at it as it was a notification on my lock screen. It’s still there, an unread notification. It’s been two hours since I received it and I cannot think of a single thing to say in response to that.

Truth is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of so many things right now.

I’m afraid of becoming that girl in the photo, cause I’m most definitely not her.

I’m afraid of letting Corpse down by admitting I’m not her.

I’m afraid of what my own mind has made me do because it hates me so much and I’m terrified of what it might do in the future.

I’m afraid and stranded on things to do.

You can’t be her forever, you know. Being her won’t make your insecurities go away, it’ll only make them worse. Haven’t you learned that by now?

I sigh, frustrated and irritated with myself as I grab my phone and tap on the notification, finally deciding to face the music and allow my instincts to carry me through the interaction. Improvisation, that’s one of the few things I’m good at. Let’s hope it doesn’t fail me.

I’m just about to type out my response - not sure what it’s gonna say - when I give the message Corpse has sent me a second glance. I furrow my brows, finding there’s more to it than that peep through the notification let me see.

“Didn’t think of you with an e-girl aesthetic. You’re personality is so bright and colorful, I could’ve never imagined you were into the darks and blacks“

Because I’m not

I fail to realize until the message has been sent that my thoughts are exactly what I typed out and sent.

And honestly, I’m glad. It feels like I’ve spoken my truth, like I’ve lifted a huge boulder off my chest.

With that rare confidence in mind I go on and delete the picture.

In its spot, I post a picture I just now took - a mirror selfie in my homey get-up consisting of hot pink sweatpants and an oversized blue tee, my hair in a messy bun, my face free of make-up.

I caption it: ‘Oops, had the e-girl filter on for the last one. This is filterless me tho so...Hi 🥴’

A lot better, I’m surprised to hear my inner voice say. I hope I don’t get used to all this kindness on my brain’s part, probably won’t last, but damn if I don’t milk every second of it.

Just then, I receive a new message from non other than Corpse.

“Now that’s the girl I see when I think of you. She’s super cute 😉“

My, oh my, who would’ve guessed Corpse has a game like that - and by that I mean the ability to make me blush so intensely with only a text message.

Now ain’t that better than being someone else, Y/N?

It sure is, it sure is.

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