#whew you survived this long post congrats!

[artsyjesseblue]

Slowly Going Mad - Part II - Honerva

Welcome to the second part of my Zarkon-Honerva-Lotor meta, focused on their gradual mental transitions along the show's timeline. Each of them are triggered by profound and very unique sets of reasons. (Here’s the link to the first part: Zarkon. Update: Lotor’s analysis is also complete.) My intention is to shine a light on the complexity of the characters and the depth of the scripts.

Just as in Zarkon’s analysis, there are two things to point out from the get-go:

1) Shiro’s statement: “Zarkon fell prey to his own evil instincts. The quintessence field didn’t create them, it revealed them.” - it basically casts the responsibility on the character, not on external factors, and that is an important point in my analysis.

2) The distinction between the entity and quintessence. The entity is a creature capable of magical stuff, whereas quintessence is a substance (highest known potency in the universe).

Honerva

Her story follows a bit of a more convoluted path. Similar to Zarkon’s, when we first meet her, she’s the High Priestess of the court, the absolute villain with frightening magical powers, capable of creating incredibly destructive machines and robeasts. Her mental transitions make a full 360 degree turn during the show, with ups and downs: 1) A rational, sane scientist. 2) Unstable Honerva, drifting into her research obsessions. 3) Haggar, completely disconnected from self for 10k years. 4) Slowly recovering old memories. 5) Post Oriande Honerva, obsessed with getting her son back. 6) Honerva completely rejected by her son - full madness again. 7) Newly awakened Honerva, ready to help restore all realities.

1) The rational scientist The oldest images of her actually date back from the time when she studied science classes along with Alfor - something shown in the last episode of the series, when Allura stirs up Honerva’s memories.

Chronologically, the next stop is during her time as a rift scientist, when Zarkon first meets her (S3E7). A young, cheerful, beautiful woman, elated about the idea of working on a science project that would revolutionize the entire universe.

2) Unstable Honerva Her passion for pushing the boundaries of science becomes her workaholic obsession, and for a large portion of her backstory, we mostly see her in front of her computer terminal, next to the rift gate. As Lotor later states, “The kinds of experiments she was conducting… she advanced science by eons.” Unfortunately, her passion - turned obsession - also becomes her downfall, just like the need for power destroyed Zarkon. She doesn’t even show up to congratulate Alfor on the birth of Allura. He seemed to have been a very good friend back in their school years. And when Alfor comes to visit her instead, she doesn’t lift her nose from her work, to look him in the eye. She is “working hard, as always,” as he notes. When he thanks her for Allura’s gift, she replies placidly: “It was a customary gesture.” Her distancing from the cordial relations with her friends are inversely proportional with her mania for science.

In fact, she declares that “we must always push into dangerous territory in pursuit of knowledge,” defying Alfor’s plea to exercise caution. Even after the “creatures” from the rift invade Daibazaal, forcing the Paladins to use Voltron to defend the planet, she still fearlessly pushes forward with her experiments.

Fast-forward into the future, Honerva becomes pregnant. As I mentioned during Zarkon’s backstory, her facial features have changed, her hair is white and her Altean cheek marks are now distorted (hint: the entity). After their lovely conversation about having a baby, dressed up in that loose poncho, she jumps back to her console and says: “There is much work to do. First, we must continue to harvest the quintessence. It will be needed for your son’s empire.”

Always about work. Always about her quintessence projects. And now, they both seem to have a higher purpose (or justification?) for their underlying obsessions: their heir. Notice how, even though the baby’s needs and mother’s health should take priority, she launches herself into more work. A mother (especially in the first trimester) is fatigued and needs rest. No, she continues with her rift project, exposing herself - and the baby - to the dangers of radiation, draining herself of energy, standing up long hours, focusing intensely on her project. And, although as a mother, one would want to balance work and personal health for the sake of the baby, she obviously tips the balance in one direction. When Alfor comes to visit, even though he cordially greets her, “Hello, Honerva. It’s been deca-phoebs,” we can see where her preoccupation lies: more work. Again, with her back at the king, she cynically welcomes him: “I hope you haven’t come to try to shut down my work.” Alfor traveled there out of concern for his friends. Due to the rift, the structural integrity of Daibazaal was weakening. Yet Zarkon’s power need and Honerva’s greed for more knowledge worked hand in hand - a self-destructive duo. As Zarkon bragged, Honerva’s team developed a space cruiser, five times the size of their largest ship - and that was nothing - meaning their arsenal of ships and weaponry was probably colossal. Instead of being received with joy, instead of giving him the wonderful news about having a baby, Alfor gets the cold shoulder. Nothing is uttered about having a child - in fact no one on Altea knew Honerva had a child until Allura found out directly from Lotor’s mouth, in Season 5. Instead, she condescendingly explains that “There is more hidden knowledge and power in this tiny fissure than you can possibly understand.” — And there they are - the two keywords: hidden knowledge and power! The two “evil instincts”, the weak spots that tore down this beautiful couple and the love for their son. Just as Daibazaal’s integrity is crumbling, this once strong family is now falling apart.

The scene with Kova follows right after this. I mentioned this in Zarkon’s analysis, but I’ll go over this again: notice king Alfor is visibly aged, while Zarkon continues to look young. Kova the cat shows up. As Honerva explains, the cat fell ill when the creatures attacked (!!), but she treated him with quintessence and Kova is now 28 deca-phoebs (~years) old. We are led to believe Zonerva’s longevity is due to the continuous supply with quintessence, but there is more at play here: the entity. Honerva says: “He [Kova] revealed the truth to us. Quintessence is so much more than you can understand. It is life itself.” Logical conclusion: entity + quintessence = life everlasting. (E + Q = L).

This is confirming to us, the audience, that Kova fell ill due to the entity, and Honerva explains that the quintessence treatment not only revived that cat, but expanded its life (indefinitely, as we know, since Kova is a character very much alive after 10k years). This is something that scares Alfor deeply, and Honerva finally turns around to face him, accusing him of being a coward. Her face… her face has changed - yes, her cheek marks look distorted, and Alfor notices right away with shock (parallel that to how Kova’s appearance has changed). Also, see how her hair is unkempt, unruly, she already has the appearance of a witch.

Preoccupied only with her quintessence obsession, she disregards her own self-care (not to mention - the baby!), and the climax of this madness comes right after Alfor leaves. Consumed with her own anger against the king (perhaps the anger fueled some sort of toxic reaction against that entity as well), she collapses on the floor. And there is no cure for this trance she’d fallen into, except… quintessence. Because Q is a fuel for life, and without it, the equation “E + Q = L” cannot be completed.

Here we are, revisiting the scene with the bedridden Honerva - looking visibly aged - hallucinating and trembling in bed, uttering disparate sentences about the immediate need for Q. Honerva: “We mu— We must… We must have… We must have it. Get back. Get back. Get back…” Zarkon: “What is it, my love?” Honerva: “Uh, quinte— quintessence. Quintessence is life. Into the— Into the rift.” Zarkon: “How?” Honerva: “We mu— We must— We must have Voltron. Voltron. Voltron! Voltron… It is the only way.” It pretty much seems like Honerva is not in control of her mind anymore in this scene. Eyes rolling, incoherent speaking, gasping for air, quivering, spastic muscles. And then she talks about herself with “we”. “We must have it.” Also… “Get back.” “Into the rift.”

Get back into the rift? But… had she ever been there so she could actually say she needed to “get back”? No. At that point Voltron had never been into the rift either. Who had been into the rift and came from there? The Entity. The Entity was the only one who had been into the rift. Who actually hailed from the rift. Logical conclusion: that was the entity speaking. The entity was desperate to get back into the rift to obtain more quintessence, because it was their food, their life. “It is the only way.” Of course it is the only way, because it follows the immutable rule of E + Q = L. You cannot obtain L (life) if you don’t add Q to E. The entity cannot survive without quintessence. The tragic fate of Honerva is, just as Zarkon’s, the complete loss of self to the entity.

3) Haggar - first madness When they wake up, after their “funeral”, they both have glowing purple eyes with motes of quintessence effusing from their orbits. She is shivering, and, unlike Zarkon, cannot remember who she is. Doctor Haggar tries to help her. Instead, she (or more likely the entity inside her) sucks out the life (quintessence) from the doctor, and, apparently, along with it, the doctor’s own consciousness, because Honerva calls herself “Haggar” after this. (Plus we know Honerva was trapping people’s minds in her own mind after killing them, because Allura discovered it during her trippy-trip inside Honerva’s consciousness.) And this is how the High Priestess Haggar is born. Ten thousand years of witchcraft follow, during which she expertly makes use of her powers and tech talents to syphon out quintessence from entire planets. But before she begins this long journey, she gives birth to Lotor. As doctors explain, it was “difficult, but successful.” Something that she also completely forgets. She rejects the little boy, maternal instinct abolished, her own self-awareness buried deep under the potent energies of the entity.

4) And then… very slowly (10k years slow)… her memories seem to come back. Bit by bit. The very first one comes during an interaction with teenage Lotor (S8E2). He wants to pet that curious-looking cat that is always around her. Out of some sort of (protective? motherly?) instinct, she tells him: “Do not touch him. He will hurt you.” Asked about the cat’s name, Haggar replies: “He has no name.” Isn’t it symbolic for how she basically lost her name, too? But then, suddenly, a flash of memory comes back. “Kova. His name is Kova.”

Her Altean instincts still subsist somewhere there. When Allura awakens on Arus in S1E1, she senses a resurgence of Altean energy. Many episodes later, when Lotor arrives at Galra central to relinquish power back to his father, she senses “a powerful energy on him,” “something ancient.” A major memory boost comes when she taps into Zarkon’s mind, to revive him (S3E7 “The Legend Begins”). She apologizes before she starts the process, which, yes, involves probing into his memories without his accord. Images of the past zoom through her vision: a Galra attack on Altea; the final fight with the Paladins; planet Daibazaal after and before destruction; then diving deeper back in time - images with the group of five Paladin friends peacefully gathered under their lions; a splendid wedding picture of her and Zarkon; the mighty comet at the crash site; and finally, a picture of her young self - a beautiful, radiant, exuberant Honerva.

She snaps out of her visions and notes, with a flat tone: “Husband. How could I have forgotten?” As probably many have noticed before, there is little emotional attachment in her demeanor. There is only one little glimmer in her reaction, right before Zarkon awakes. She says (and her voice doubles into both Honerva's and Haggar's): "You brought me back to life long ago. Now, come back for me." This is a powerful moment, which shows the beginning of her duality - Haggar and Honerva. But after this, we don’t see her being more affectionate towards her long-lost husband. Neither do we see any scenes in which she would acknowledge to him that she remembered her past. There is no grand reunion of the lost couple. Haggar continues being the placid witch, alongside her villain emperor, now fully armored in a quintessence-infused mega-suit. Some took this as a flaw in the show’s writing. I take it as a very coherent flow of her character’s arc. My wishful mind screams to see Honerva run back to her husband, rocking the walls of their dark magic cage, telling him: “Husband, I remember! We used to love each other, we were once good people!” But, realistically, that is not what an entity-possessed, quintessence-poisoned Haggar would suddenly do, would she? The fact that she is still very much under the dark spells prevents her natural instincts from manifesting. So the only thing she does is notice, coldly, as if someone else watches her life from afar. But not for long, as we’ll see.

In S4E3 “Black Site”, the episode starts with Haggar examining herself in a mirror, a reflection of Honerva instead. As she brushes her long, clawed purple fingers along the brown cheeks and chin, she notices the white cornea of her eyes and the presence of small irises. A very wistful music accompanies the scene (the very same soundtrack used in S8E2, where most of her tragic flashbacks will happen). Her expression is of utter shock, but also astonishment. The mirror motif appears frequently in madness arcs, as a means to show the disassociation between the two personas conflicting inside the character. Her sane persona begins to wake up and claim back her territory, and it is the very first time when we see her in a vulnerable state of mind. It’s the beginning of her reversion into Honerva. This state of mind is immediately suppressed once a Druid enters the room. Her harsh, sour expression and purple facial color immediately replace her Altean features, and the music shifts back to the ominous Zarkon theme.

As you’ll notice, Zarkon’s arc, compared to Honerva’s, is one of descent into the darkness (with a redemption late in S8), whereas Honerva’s is upwards - she gradually ascends towards recovering her memories and feelings. Immediately after, in the scene with the interrogation of Throk, Haggar says something that has multiple implications: “No one can completely wipe a memory away. There are always remnants deep within to claw out.” She clearly speaks from her own experience… as we just witnessed. Her memory is still there, remnants of it buried deep, waiting to be clawed out… Yet, with all their efforts, Throk’s specific memory of a particular event seems to be completely erased - courtesy of Narti’s work - but that belongs to a different meta. Not all of Honerva’s memories are back. She definitely doesn’t recognize Lotor is her son, and happily rats him out to Zarkon once she discovers he’s got his hands on a trans-reality comet. Her allegiance to the emperor is unshaken.

But here comes the next big blow to her fortress of multi-millennial oblivion. As she wallows in a pool of purple quintessence inside her space cruiser, she begins having visions again (S5E2 “Blood Duel”). It seems the dive into her memory reservoir is not without pain, as she releases a sharp scream before more echoes of the past start to surface… This time, they’re about Lotor. There is a crescendo of emotional intensity in these scenes, enhanced by the same nostalgic (almost elegiac) music that envelops her other flashbacks. Watching the tragic life of her lost son rewind in front of her eyes must have been truly heartbreaking. Her pained expression, the angst behind her glowing eyes, the eyebrows raised in incredulity and awe, but also imploring, begging to get back something she never had, her gasps in the darkness, in antithesis with the cute sounds of a cooing baby and then a giggling child, along with soul-stirring violins evolving into a more and more solemn hymn that will later accompany the most inspiring VLD moments with Lotor… these, all of these culminate with her regretful whisper, almost a question at the end, as she herself cannot believe this had actually been a living part of her life and she completely missed it: “My son… Lotor.”

I’m sure a lot of mothers watching this probably shed one or more (or a lot) of tears. How can you not? Honerva’s portrait grows more and more complex, while, sadly, her husband’s shrinks into the distorted image of a heartless monster. When she finds out Zarkon is on an exchange mission to retrieve Lotor, she immediately activates Operation Kuron Stage 4 - which, as we now know, used Shiro’s clone to spy on the Paladins (and her son). After Zarkon’s death, we were never shown any state funerals or Haggar mourning after him. Again, people would say this is a hole in the script. I would say this matters not for Honerva’s evolution. She clearly did not show emotional attachment to him before, so why would she now? The dark entity still has considerable hold of her consciousness, even though she does show empathy towards her son. But how much, actually? Well, it seems that operation Kuron is fully functional, since she is already able to watch Lotor planning to go to Kral Zera to get the throne. Again, she whispers wistfully “My son…” while her purple claw tries to possessively reach out and get him. There is a powerful symbolism here: the hand that extends out into the void - both to try to grasp him for herself (her selfish need towards her lost family) - and as a desperate gesture of reaching out from inside a dark place, reaching out into the light, to the only one who… can save her (which ties well with how the show was initially intended to end).

You’d think that a mother whose instincts have just awoken would want to see her son ascend to the throne… Instead, we see her summon Sendak, because “The Empire will only accept a ruler with Galra blood. It needs a natural-born leader, with an iron will to match his iron fist.” At Kral Zera, she actually insults Lotor in front of everyone and continues to twist the knife in that same spot where the prince has been teased about all his life: being biracial. Haggar: “Lotor, you cannot lead the Galra.” Lotor: “You think you can stop me, witch?” Haggar: “The blood that so bolsters your claim is also what quells it. You are not full-Galra. You are a half-breed. Your mother was Honerva.” It’s so mind-boggling that she is able to talk about herself as if it’s someone else. But if you get to think of it, she is still very much overpowered by the entity, which seems to speak instead of her. The snippets of her reawakening of consciousness were actually just that… Snippets. Which makes this scene even more tragic, knowing that she cannot fully connect with her son. This duality - two persons living inside a character - one belonging to the good/real side, the other one to an evil realm - this duality is characteristic of story arcs that revolve around the subject of madness. This paradoxical pairing of evil and good inside one person evolves via a gradual buildup. Usually, if it declines towards madness, there will be a buildup of negative energies and events. In Honerva’s case, it makes a sinusoidal arc - descending and ascending several times.

5) Post-Oriande Honerva Right after Allura and Lotor go through the Oriande trials, Haggar, who continued to spy through Shiro’s clone, sets a course to the same location. It seems that Shiro is telepathically linked to Haggar’s magic, because he starts having visions of her while she goes to Oriande and takes down the Sages. Notice that her cheek marks, although distorted, still glow at the entrance to Oriande - meaning she does have the marks of the chosen.

The fact that she is telepathically linked to clone-Shiro, I believe, proves that Haggar was using the entity in her clones as well, because that kind of telepathic link, as shown in S8, could only happen via the entity (Keith severs the link when he removes clone-Shiro’s robotic arm - which seemed to concentrate most of the purple energy). Oriande is a turning point in the High Priestess’s story. It is the moment of transition from witch Haggar to Honerva. Alas, not completely. The metamorphosis happens gradually, but now she is definitely more Honerva than Haggar. She’ll start thinking more and more as an Altean and as a mother. Of course, the entity is not gone (it also explains why she destroyed the Sages of Oriande). Which will maintain a significant layer of darkness over her judgement. And her witch-Haggar appearance will still coexist for a while with her newly recovered Altean countenance. Here comes S6E4 “The Colony”: Haggar/Honerva reaches into clone Shiro’s mind, rendering his consciousness inactive and fully turning on the entity-controlled subject. Notice how she retains her Haggar complexion:

In the next episode, S6E5, we discover that Haggar now has the ability to create wormholes. Allura wonders how… but we know. Because Haggar finally connected with her Altean capabilities. Which means, she is double-dangerous now. As a sorceress, and as an Altean. She can fully command her entity-possessed subjects, and she does so with Shiro’s clone, instructing him to lure Keith away. One very interesting scene in her arc is her encounter with Lotor and the way she addresses him while revealing she is his mother: Honerva (slowly taking off her priestess hood and turning around, fully showing her Altean visage; her voice trembles and sounds quite emotional): “Prince Lotor. My son.” Lotor has no reply, just a visibly vexed expression. Honerva: “The anger you feel toward me is to be expected. But understand that the events that transformed me into the witch Haggar also shrouded any glimmer of maternal instinct I may have had for my one and only child. However, you’ve continued the work I started all that time ago and have indeed seen it through to heights I could have only imagined. Your never-ending pursuit of knowledge is truly —” Lotor: “Enough. My mother ceased to exist when Honerva drew her last breath. Do not believe for a moment that I would ever accept you as a kin. You are an abomination. A twisted perversion of what was once so pure and beautiful. The end is near, witch. I know you can sense it. If you beg for your life now, maybe I will take pity on you when the time comes.” Honerva (frowning, visibly offended and pained by the rejection): “Take him away.” Acxa, after a short eye look exchange with Lotor, decides to actually aim at Honerva instead. The witch vanishes in a cloud of smoke.

Let’s unpack this heavy conversation, loaded with angst, with spite, with something that was supposed to be motherly affection. Honerva starts quite emotionally… From her voice, you can sense her tense expectation. She’s been waiting for this moment for a while, and ever since she traveled to Oriande, her Altean senses revived, she really is looking forward to reuniting with her lost son. But… there is a twist to her motherly wish…

This is her apology for ten thousand years of missing in action: “The anger you feel towards me is to be expected.” Um… No “I’m sorry”, no “please, forgive me”. Her voice is actually… quite emphatic and firm. No sense of remorse for her actions, no apologies for her mistakes. Neither does she take the responsibility, nor does she accept her guilt. Actually, she casts the blame on external factors: “the events” that caused her to become witch Haggar are supposed to be the cause. How about… apologizing for being obsessed about her scientific discoveries, to the point where she neglected everything else, including her unborn child’s needs? Also, notice her expression in the above screenshot: despite the pain in her eye squint, she looks rather arrogant. Well, that’s actually the big problem, and she still doesn’t see it. In fact, she applauds Lotor’s accomplishments, because he… “continued the work” that she started, in a “never ending pursuit of knowledge.” Again, these are her vulnerable spots - work and pursuit of knowledge. These blinding obsessions for something that she thinks is absolutely revolutionary and beneficial to the world, these are her downfall. She cannot see anything else, even after ten thousand years. In her own twisted world, these are the ultimate tools for good. Why did she pursue knowledge? Well, first off, out of pure passion - turned into obsession. She wanted to advance science. Secondly, to fulfill Zarkon’s need for power. In contrast, Lotor sought to unveil King Alfor’s knowledge in order to “better the Universe”, to bring peace and prosperity, to defend against the dark forces of his parents. There is a bit of a difference in their scopes, I’d say. This is what she doesn’t understand. And she will continue to misconstrue Lotor’s work and delude all the Alteans into her vengeful plans. Lotor is, unfortunately, right. She (still) is “a twisted perversion” of her original self. Which proves once more that Honerva’s dual personality pervades her newly displayed self. For the entirety of S7, we don’t see Honerva at all (except the caricature from the garfle-warfle episode “The Feud”).

In S8E2 “Shadows”, we get an avalanche of flashbacks - some recent, some very old, revolving around Honerva (not going to touch the subject of why these flashbacks should belong to S7 and not S8, as it’s been already discussed in other metas and reconstructions (especially the work of Team Purple Lion) in great detail. My focus is on her evolution overall, which is chronological, not based on episode order). The episode starts right where S6E5 left off… when Acxa shoots at Honerva, after Lotor’s tense conversation with her. Here, we finally find out where Honerva went after vanishing in a cloud of smoke. She’s back at the command of her cruiser. Her pained expression (after being rejected by her son) becomes stark. She pulls her hood back on and Haggar’s purple complexion and glowing eyes return, as she contacts commander Mar and orders him to track Lotor down. For a considerable amount of time, as the scenes suggest it, she’s searching for her son, who has disappeared. She finds out that commander Mar is also nowhere to be found, and we can see that her desperation grows. She’s hunting high and low for him, roaming the universe in her ship. Until she finds the wreckage of his cruiser, at Daibazaal (the location sort of doesn’t make sense, because the last place his cruiser has been seen abandoned, in S4E3, is nowhere near Daibazaal, but that belongs to a different discussion that pertains to the inter-dimensional meddling into S7-8). In his cruiser wreckage… there’s Kova. Which, once aboard Honerva’s ship, triggers more of her old memories (we already discussed them earlier - her past memories about her pregnancy and about Lotor). One of her loyal Druids tries to persuade her to take command of the empire, because “it has been phoebs [~months] since Emperor Lotor has disappeared. The empire is in a state of chaos.” Her response is rather surprising, but then again, Honerva has never been one to actually seek power. That was Zarkon’s obsession. She replies bluntly: “Tell them to look elsewhere. The Druids are but ash in the winds of infinity. Let them be led by someone of equal esteem. […] Depart my presence.”

Her focus is not ruling an empire at this moment. Her focus is finding her son. A motherly instinct, full of emotional resonance. Imagine that after ten thousand years, she is finally able to see her son through the eyes of the mother she was supposed to be. She is able to talk to him, express - in her own, still twisted way - her regret for not being beside him all this time. She finally meets him face to face, finally reveals herself to him… Only to have the rug pulled from underneath her… Not once, but twice. First, her own son rejects her. How painful that must have been!… And then… he completely disappears, along with her archenemy, Voltron, on whom she casts all blame, hatred and bitterness. How desperate must she be now, to find him, to get him back! Even after he rejected her, she still wants to reunite with him. Underneath all the dark magic and potent influence of the entity, she still finds the power to go past his wrath against her, because that’s what a mother does… But she has yet to see her own fault in this. She blames everyone else around but herself. There is this constant push and pull between the two personas inside her. She is aiming for the light, for finding her lost self, but her own weaknesses, which have been there since the beginning, prevent her from fully becoming what she once was. After retrieving commander Mar, who reveals what happened to Lotor and Voltron, she remarks in awe: “He pierced the veil.” When Mar says that “Lotor and Voltron perished”, her expression suddenly shifts to a terrified look, beads of sweat glinting on her cheek. “No! I must find him.” She summons the Kral Zera, but not to elect a new emperor. She wants to spew out all her rage and revenge on the Galra. By destroying them. Notice she changed her garments. She no longer wears Haggar’s cape. Now, she proudly dons an Altean outfit. Symbolic of her new persona.

This is her justification, standing in front of the Kral Zera flame: “This flame represents Lotor, son of Zarkon, prince turned emperor, emperor that pierced the veil. And my Altean blood coursed through his veins. But the Galra empire failed him. It was the Galra blood, deeply boiled in traditions of evil, that tainted him. Your ways weakened a god.” A Galra general pulls out his blade: “That treacherous witch!” Honerva: “The empire is weak. And now, I will end it.” Holding out her dark purple globe of magic energies, she melts away all the Galra generals in a monumental deathly spell.

*Quick pause in her analysis to point out something that the Paladins figured out in S8E10 “Knights of Light Part 2” while traveling inside her mind. While unveiling some of her old memories, they get to watch the very last moments from the lives of the original Paladins. It turns out that Zarkon was not the executioner. It was Honerva, who performed exactly the same magic as later at Kral Zera, spewing the purple energies out onto her enemies. And Pidge concludes: “That’s how the original Paladins ended up trapped in here. She took their quintessence, trapped their minds inside her consciousness.” And this explains exactly how she operates the dark entity, or, should I say, how the dark entity operates through her. The entity is constantly seeking for a source of energy, which is quintessence, or “life itself”. By draining the “life” out of others around her, Honerva was constantly feeding her entity. Bonus: she was trapping their consciousness inside her mind - which explains why the first one she trapped - doctor Haggar - became the name she adopted. Devoid of her own memories, she took the persona of the first being she absorbed. Also, notice her use of the entity in mind-controlling her subjects: clone Shiro, the Alteans on the colony, her attempts at controlling Allura after she takes the entity, as well as… robeast!Lotor.

Honerva is extremely mad at everyone that “tainted” her son. She blames the Galra blood, deeply boiled in traditions of evil, for weakening him. She not only throws the guilt at the empire, but she basically blames her husband for it. She proudly states that her Altean blood coursed through his veins, but the Galra blood threw a wrench in his destiny. This is a 180 degree shift from witch Haggar. Now, the Alteans are the saints, while the Galrans are the devils. Also, wow, she calls her son a “god”. Unfortunately, again, she fails to see her own mistakes in any of this. The next scenes in this episode are an interesting choice to juxtapose next to her vengeful actions. We’re seeing into her memories with child Lotor and the way Zarkon treats him, while she - as witch Haggar - watches impassively: Little Lotor: “Please, father, I must know where I come from.” Zarkon: “I said enough!” Then turning to Dayak: “If you do not remove his impurities, then I will find a Dayak that can.” Dayak: “He will be punished accordingly. We will sear him down to his inner fire so that he may burn the universe. Vrepit Sa!” The inscrutable visage of Haggar slowly transitions to present-time Honerva and we see the sorrow in her gaze. Sorrow for not being there to protect her little child, empathy for his innocent suffering and grief for what he had to go through. There are several of these transitions from Haggar to Honerva throughout the show. They hint at her physical metamorphosis but also, more importantly, they suggest her mental journey, her slow awakening to that initial persona, buried deep beneath, the resurgence of her emotions.

Although many of us may regard Dayak dearly due to other, more comedic interactions in the show, the fact that she needs to “sear Lotor down” tells a lot about the kind of trauma this little kid had to go through. It’s what makes present-day Honerva so angry at the Galra: these “traditions of evil” that tainted her little boy… She is now driven by revenge, against anyone that, according to her newly formed world views, is standing in the way of her grand plans. Yet she still doesn’t know her son’s whereabouts, still searching for him across the galaxies. As her cruiser hovers around Daibazaal once more, she decides on what looks like another one of her sacrificial rites… this time on Kova the cat. It seems like this is a last resort in her frantic attempt to find her son.

This pet had been around for ten thousand years and we can see Honerva’s attachment to him from the way she holds him to her chest, before setting him down on the altar of sacrifice. She is willing to lose him to get her son back. And apparently, Kova possesses more knowledge about the prince than expected. We know the cat also has the entity within. As I’ll discuss when looking at Lotor’s arc, I’m convinced he had it as well. The link that the entity formed with him was strong, because the cat was in his possession since childhood. Motes of purple quintessence rise from the floor all around, while Kova meows in distress.

The suspenseful music converges in a dramatic flow of celestial sounds and Honerva starts her dive into the depths of Lotor’s past. A tragic crescendo of flashbacks starts pouring, and Honerva finally knows where to find him: in the rift.

She wakes up again next to her altar, Kova completely gone, a few motes of purple quintessence still floating through the air. Perhaps as an homage to the defunct cat, the next scene brings more memories of little Lotor, back when he started his friendship with Kova. And right after this, we see Honerva traveling to the hidden Altean colony planet. Just a quick reminder - these scenes from S8E2 actually take place in S7, but they have been inserted in S8 as flashbacks. In S7E5, when the newly rescued Kolivan tells the Paladins that he sent a team to the Quantum Abyss and he didn’t find any Alteans - “just an empty facility”, that happens after Honerva had already been there and scooped them out for her own plans.

This is an important point of inflection in Honerva’s arc, because finding out that her son has died creates a powerful motivator in her actions and this motivator is called grief. Her world has been shattered by this devastating news. A mother that has just been awoken from 10k years of self-unawareness tries to reconnect with her one and only son, only to lose him to such a tragic death. A character put in this kind of situation would want to fix the world, in order to bring things back as they were (she will want to resurrect him, as we’ll see), and/or get back at the enemies who did this (she will want revenge on Voltron). And Honerva decides on both.

Her speech in front of the Alteans tells us only a part of what her new beliefs and plans are. Honerva: “Lotor is gone.” Merla: “How did he die?” Honerva: “Voltron. To all of you who believed in my son so justly, your faith will be rewarded. I have come here today to continue my son’s mission. And for that, I need you all.” Luca: “We are your humble servants, as will be the members of our sister colony once we inform them of the news. Do you know of their whereabouts?” Honerva: “Unfortunately, they have also fallen to the evils of Voltron. Voltron and the Galra will pay for what they have done. With your help, I will resurrect my son’s dream.” Merla: “We pledge our allegiance to you, Honerva, mother of Lotor.”

So she wants to “continue” her son’s mission. After linking with him through Kova, she got a comprehensive view into Lotor’s life, so she (allegedly) knows what his intentions are. Based on what she will say in the next episodes, and also based on what Lotor uttered in S6 while fighting Voltron, it all seems to boil down to creating a “new Altea”, one that can rule the universe and reverse the evils of the Galra (one in which Honerva wants revenge on anyone she considers her enemy). Which… unfortunately sounds a lot like the alternate reality where the Paladins traveled in S3E4 “Hole in the Sky” (Yes, the one with Sven and the other Slav, where the Alteans are turning everyone that stands against them into “non-cogs”. The one where Allura concluded: “That is exactly why my father sent the Lions away so many years ago. To avoid this reality.”) But was this really Lotor’s initial plan with Altea? I’ll discuss more when I’ll get to his meta. An interesting detail is the mention of the “sister colony”, where Honerva casts the blame on Voltron for their death. Which we know is not true. This so-called canon pours all guilt on evil!Lotor. But was it really his doing? The garfle-warfled S8 that we got (thanks to Bob!akaWEP) left a lot of loose ends. In any case, she wants to use the Alteans to “resurrect” her son’s dream. In fact, she actually doesn’t only look for a revival of his dream, she intends to literally resurrect him. And she does tell the Alteans that she intends so, because Merla confirms it in a conversation with her at Oriande: Honerva, overlooking the magical landscape of Oriande: “This ancient land was created through powerful magic. Alteans would travel here to learn the secrets of our race. We have a long and difficult road ahead of us, but our path is true.” Merla: “We will do anything to bring Lotor back.” Honerva: “I know.” This little snippet of conversation with Honerva, as well as the previous one, shows the level of devotion these Alteans have, towards Lotor, towards his mother. They are willing to go above and beyond for him, and this is an incredibly powerful description of their community. But, as Allura noted when discussing about the acolyte Luca, “If she were so desperate for something to believe in, it may have made her susceptible to being manipulated.”

The next scenes depict the mega-lab that Honerva created inside Oriande, where she melts the statues of the Sages in order to build her Komar mechas. Here we find out something that S7 teased us about, in the last episode: the Komar machines that Honerva built have an Altean inside them, an Altean that is used as “its power source” (direct quote from commander Holt). A battery source? (clears throat - certain VAs spoke about Lotor using Alteans as “batteries”. Well… Honerva is “continuing [her] son’s mission”. But how much is she continuing, and how much is she actually altering for her own agenda?) She asks Merla: “Find me the most faithful amongst us.” So the mech pilots are the most zealous believers, which… yes, it makes them susceptible to being manipulated. After the tragic flashback scenes with Lotor and Ven’tar’s planet (where, again, we see Haggar exerting her abominable sorcery upon her own son), we switch back to Honerva (disguised as Haggar) receiving news from Sendak: the Lions have returned. She commands him to destroy them. Immediately after, she activates the first Komar mecha, piloted by the most faithful acolyte, Luca. Her words towards the Alteans clearly speak of her vengeful intentions: Luca: “Voltron will pay for what they have done.” Honerva: “May the light guide you. Rise and avenge my son.” Chronologically, after these scenes, the order of events belongs to S7 E7-13: Earth versus Sendak, then Luca’s Komar mech attack, defeat and capture. After a few episodes in S8 in which we find out that Honerva has been pumping more of these Komar mechs across the universe, while also destroying the Olkari planet in order to get their cubes, we have another view of Honerva at the Oriande pyramid, addressing her Altean people before she begins her mega-magical ceremony:

“For eons, our people have suffered, cast out from our home, driven mad by the cursed Galra. We have sacrificed much. You have sacrificed much. But Lotor gave more than any of us. And today, his ultimate wish will be fulfilled. The Galra will pay for what they have done to the Alteans. The end for anyone who dares oppose us is near. It is time to begin. May Lotor’s light guide you.” Hmmm… “driven mad”…? Then she adds: “But Lotor gave more than any of us.” “Lotor’s light”… I keep hearing Honerva talking about it. Does it have anything to do with… the “enlightenment”? (aka the “wisdom about the quintessence and the entity”, as mentioned by Honerva in her youth). Also, here it is, again, her vengeful stance: “The end for anyone who dares oppose us is near.” A very absolutist declaration. Politically, although anti-Galra, it actually mirrors their doctrine. So, if the universe were to be ruled by this new Altean order, what difference would it make from the previous oppressors? Now, do you see the purpose of the alternate reality episode? Also, Honerva makes use of her Komar mechs to syphon out quintessence from entire planets (while Matt and the Coalition struggle to save all the planet inhabitants), in order to gain galactic proportion energies for her Oriande magic. These are not even Galra, they’re innocent people, caught in the midst of this war, but according to Honerva’s twisted logic (which the Altean acolytes follow blindly), she can sacrifice anything and anyone in order to bring her son back.

A comment on Honerva’s statement regarding Lotor: “Today, his ultimate wish will be fulfilled. The Galra will pay for what they have done to the Alteans.” So, her opinion is that Lotor’s ultimate wish was to make the Galra pay for the genocide against the Alteans. Which, since she connected with him via Kova, means that she inferred it from his final words uttered at the rift battle with Voltron: “I’m ready to wipe the Universe clean of all my enemies: Voltron, Haggar and the rest of the Galra.” What she fails to recognize is that Lotor uttered those pronouncements in an unfortunate state of mental breakdown (“driven mad”). Nothing prior to that indicated that he ever intended to end the Galra. On the contrary, he told Allura that he wants to return the Galra Empire to a “bygone era of peace. […] This isn’t a zero-sum game. Meeting the needs of the Galra Empire means bringing peace to the universe.” Also, he stated that he does not want to make use of the “barbarism of the Komar.” Well, Honerva clearly still does. So much for Honerva walking in the footsteps of her son… And I shall return to this controversial subject when analyzing Lotor’s story, which is the most nuanced of all, precisely because of the suffering he’d been through, precisely because “he gave more than any of [them]”.

During the battle at Oriande, we have a one-on-one encounter between Allura and Honerva. I’ll discuss more about Sincline’s reaction to seeing Allura during Lotor’s arc, but just note that the mech prepares its aim then lowers the weapon at her sight. Lance attacks him to protect Allura, only to be pushed away by a Komar robot. The Altean quickly becomes a casualty of Sincline’s seemingly indiscriminate violence. As Lotor’s mech swings its blade at the Red Lion, Honerva commands: “Still.” Sincline complies, as if remote-controlled. Concomitantly, Allura plunges at Honerva with her bayard, only to be pulled into a dark space where the two of them will have a captivating chat, suspended in time. Honerva: “Altea’s wayward daughter.” Allura: “Don’t you dare mention Altea to me.” Honerva: “This is just the beginning. Join me and our people. Together, we will go back to Altea.” Allura: “We cannot go back. It is destroyed because of you.” Honerva: “Think of your father. I knew Alfor well. This is what he would have wanted. Join me and the Alteans.” Allura: “Never! You cannot keep me here forever. And the moment you release your hold, I will end you. Honerva, holding a sphere of purple magic, depicting Sincline in frozen-motion: “Then you will end your friends as well. I am the only thing keeping my son at bay. Join the right side of this war.”

As we’ve been shown across the many episodes, Honerva frequently makes use of that purple sphere. If you haven’t guessed yet what it is, let me remind you: [the power of] the entity (the entity itself is spherical and purple, as Allura will discover in the episode “Clear Day” S8E8). Honerva actually makes double-use of the entity in the same scene: she’s “keeping her son at bay”, and she’s also holding Allura trapped in that dark place, where they have the little conversation.

A few things worthy of analyzing in Honerva’s current state of mind:

She actually wants Allura to join her quest. The one that has been her enemy for so long, the princess she hated with all her might, yet Honerva wants her as an ally… Why? Well, first off, most likely because she is Altean, and now the newly awakened Altean Honerva wants to recruit every kin possible. Secondly, most likely because she values Allura’s immense powers. Together with her, they’d be invincible. I don’t believe Honerva has any emotional attachment to her; it’s purely a tactical decision.

Honerva wants to resurrect Lotor, not just bring an entity-possessed son back from the rift. She knows Allura has the real Oriande knowledge. (Speculation, but…) maybe gaining Allura as an ally will help her fully resurrect her son…?

She blackmails Allura so she can force her to join her side of war. Which, again, proves my point, that Honerva has no feelings towards the “wayward daughter of Altea” (actually note the snarky tone), and she uses any means to achieve her scope.

She believes she knows what Alfor would have wanted. Allura already explained to us that Alfor wanted to avoid this kind of reality, so we know Honerva is on the wrong side.

She is keeping her son at bay. Well, well. Logical conclusion: her son IS in there. She uses her entity powers to remote-control him just like she does with all the Alteans piloting the Komar mechs when she telepathically links with them. This, right here, blatantly contradicts S8's official stance, that Lotor was dead.

Some of you might say: yes, but the Komar pilots also have free will, they are still conscious of their actions, they are able to speak freely and express their thoughts and concerns (as we see Merla do, noticing “something’s wrong with Lotor”). You might say the mad!Lotor inside Sincline is something completely different: a being devoid of consciousness, indiscriminately violent, fully on remote-control (psst: except when pointing the gun at Allura). Taking a deep breath... Well. What did I just talk about all along this meta, and during the full length of Zarkon’s meta? What is the title of these essays? “Slowly going mad.” The entity’s takeover happens as a GRADUAL progression towards complete disconnect from self. Zarkon and Honerva prove it to us during their arcs: the entity does not take full control of someone’s consciousness right off the bat. It takes time, years actually. We know the Komar pilots were possessed by the entity because we have the example of Tavo. Honerva exerts bursts of remote-controlling over them, when they do become, temporarily, completely someone else. In time, they would have turned out exactly like Zarkon and Honerva. That is my analytical take on how the writers built the entity’s behavior, based on examples that clearly demonstrate that. Which, again, logical deduction, means that Lotor right now is at the far end of the spectrum - fully gone mad, fully possessed by the entity. And I’ll come back to that during his analysis.

No mother would want to have her child perpetually in this state. And I’ll further suggest that she wanted and intended to wake him up, with examples. Examples which, unfortunately, due to the garfle-warfled S8, made little sense in the context in which they were placed. I’ll put the next few paragraphs under an indented format, because they’re more ‘speculative’ in nature, due to the aforementioned scramble-warfle.

S8E11 “Uncharted Regions” is probably the most scrambled of all, as many others noted before me. It seems to be an episode patched up with scenes from different other (chopped out) episodes. In any case Honerva suddenly wakes up after Allura traveled inside her mind.

She then goes to the bridge of her pyramid-ship and orders her Altean pilots: “Exit at coordinates beta-four-ex-seven. The Paladins are aware of our plans.” Merla asks: “Is that a problem?” Honerva: “No, it’s an advantage.” We’ve heard Lotor utter a similar phrase when cunningly using Voltron to retrieve the trans-reality comet. What advantage is Honerva seeking to gain? Was it just to use the powers of Atlas’s crystal and the Balmeras? I suspect it actually had to do with using Allura’s powers to wake up her son. Which we never got in this S8 edition. But we witnessed other little details: During their trip inside her mind (S8E9) the Paladins see a glimpse of how Honerva interacts with her son (all throughout S8, we are led to believe he is deceased - because we see what appears to be a cORpSe, but there are motes of purple quintessence rising from his body - similar to how Honerva and Zarkon wake up after being ‘resurrected’ by the entity. Also, logical questions: 1) why would she talk to a dead body and 2) why would she even carry around a corpse inside a mech robot while fighting the Paladins? I don’t believe a kids’ show would employ such an insane, horriffic, mind-twisting scenario, and, again I posit that this is a butchered version of the #realS8).

Pay attention to what she tells him, face to face (while he supposedly is dead): “Lotor. We’ll all be together soon.” Again, in S8E11, Honerva facing Sincline: “We will be back on Altea soon, my son.”

The intent is to show us that Honerva wants to get him “back”, to be “together” with him, in the environment in which she grew up, her perfect version of an Altean reality. She desperately yearns for a normal family, just like they unveiled during the trip in her mind. Her deepest desire is to have what she never experienced: family love, connection to her son, to a caring husband. Which means she wants to bring Lotor again to a normal, sane being, one with which she can communicate and share her emotions and thoughts. But she cannot do that anymore, can she? Because the only place where she could have done that, the place that helped her recover her own memories and (partially) her sensibility, Oriande, is gone. She destroyed the guardian Lion, she took away the quintessence from the Sages, she melted their statues. All the magic of Oriande is gone. But there is ONE more person left in the Universe that retains the wisdom of Oriande. One person who can probably resurrect Lotor. And that is Allura. (she’d done it with Shiro, hadn’t she?). Which, once more, proves my point that Lotor is actually there, alive (albeit fully possessed by the entity), his consciousness buried deep, deep under (and only Allura can trigger a small flicker of it), tragically resembling his father Zarkon, fully collapsed into madness (for completely different reasons, but we’ll get to that in his own meta). And (speculating - yes, I know) Honerva bets on Allura’s “life giving” powers (“Alteans are life-givers”) to bring him back for her.

Here are some extra snippets of how Honerva interacts with Merla and the other altean acolytes. Note how the order of events makes no sense chronologically: Beginning of E11, Honerva tells her Alteans to set a course to beta-four-ex-seven. Once there, she pulls up her own mech and starts sorting through all realities, using her purple-winged rosette. Nothing major happens there, just some of her robeasts eliminate a few Coalition scouts. Next, she orders Merla, while inside her mech:

Honerva: “Preparations are complete. Set a course for Altea. It’s time” (wait, set another course? She just made a pit stop to sift through a few realities and then off they go again?) Just a bit later, when Allura wakes up, Honerva is suddenly not in her mech anymore (why?):

Honerva: “The princess has awakened.” The next scene we see her in, she’s back in her mech again (huh?), the Sincline is next to her robot, and she’s about to fuse them together.

Then, she uses her telepathic powers via the entity to summon her Altean acolytes on Atlas (Allura is caught in the midst of it, debilitating headache preventing her from operating the teludav): Honerva: “Arise, my children. The time has come to act. Repent for your traitorous ways. Lend me your quintessence and all will be forgiven. […] Deliver me the power I need to return to our homeland. Give your energy along with the ship’s crystal. All of it.” Merla: “My people. Honerva, transferring that much energy will destroy them!” Honerva: “Their lives will be sacrificed for their savior.”

Merla interrupts the process, turning against Honerva. Later, she tries to directly attack Honerva, but - as implied from the animation of Merla's (clearly) exploding mech - Honerva kills her:

Paradoxically, we see Merla again in the next episode, asking the paladins not to harm her fellow acolytes - the subtitles confirm it’s Merla - and she pilots her Komar mech… um, again. Did she just, like, survive the explosion then just go grab another robot? (which, no surprise here, is another proof of the S8 garfle-warfle).

Anyway, apologies for the detour, let’s return to analyzing Honerva: She is willing to sacrifice anyone, including Alteans, to reach her goals. As we see from her facial expressions, although not Haggar anymore, she is basically back to her state of madness. But why is she so mad? She looked more calm and confident at the beginning of the episode. After all, didn’t she just bring her son back from the rift? Is it just her frustration against the annoying Voltron? Or is it more at stake here?

Speculating once more - I infer that she reverted to a high level of mental instability after Allura presumably saved Lotor, because the newly awakened son most likely rejected her… again. Deeply hurt by his refusal to accept her as his mother after she worked so hard to bring him back from the rift, she furiously decides to check out other realities and find her version of Lotor that would fit her selfish needs. So she sets her eyes on a reality where Lotor is an orphan child, because he’d be naive enough to believe she’s the good mother. This would infuse more tension buildup into her arc, creating an even more credible trajectory towards full-blown madness. Also, let's give this a logical spin: let's do a reductio ad absurdum. Why would Honerva rescue Lotor from the rift then completely abandon him (knowing that he IS in there, possessed by the entity) to go search for a child-Lotor in another reality?? It makes no sense.

6) Complete rejection But, surprise… Little boy Lotor is just as intelligent as his adult version: “She’s not my mother.” Honerva tries to plea with him, but eventually, the suppressed anger and madness that she tries so hard to mask does come out. She demands with a harsh tone: “Come to me.” And Lotor denies her again, with the same stark voice. “No. My mother is dead. And you cannot replace her.” This, this is the last straw that breaks the dam. She collapses into an unleashed mental breakdown: “[…] I’ve spent lifetimes trying to get back. Countless worlds have fallen in the wake of my effort to return to you. And this is how you welcome me? My own child, my own husband question who I am? I have sacrificed more than you will ever know! […] If there is no place in this universe for me, then there will be no universe at all.”

Honerva dramatically reverts to her state of insanity, this time amplified to multiverse proportions. The buildup of emotional distress she goes through ultimately collapses into this apocalyptical unleash. Her son’s rejection across realities is… world-shattering for her already fragile state of mind. If no one loves her, then everyone should perish. This extremist vision, completely disconnected from reality, devoid of empathy, filled with unrestrained violence and rage, is typical of what we simply define in lay terms in stories as madness - the kind of madness that is violent, completely devoid of any rational behavior (clinical definitions encompass a wide range of mental and psychotic disorders and I shall leave the exact diagnosis to experts). This climactic point of madness in her arc happens in an episode called “The Zenith” - or a “high point”, the time when someone is most powerful. She reached the “zenith” of her madness… She breaks the dam of mental disarray, letting herself completely go on the other side. Disconnected from from herself and from all realities, she intends to obliterate all of them - and her own life - in the process. It parallels what happened to Lotor in S6.

7) Redemption The last episode brings the Paladins face-to-face with Honerva, in the Connected Consciousness, after she scorches all realities in her wake. The Paladins give Honerva a moralizing discourse, trying to convince her that everyone deserves to live. She bluntly dismisses them: “You think your words mean anything to me? I’ve lived multiple lifetimes, and all of them filled with pain and loss. If I cannot experience the simple joys of life, why should anyone else?” Translation: If nobody gives me what I want, then screw you all. But then Allura approaches her and does a mind meld (remember the tempestuous mind meld with Zarkon? Well, this one’s more peaceful, actually suspiciously peaceful). She reminds her of her past life: “There was a time when you loved more than just your family, a time when your fascination with how vast the universe is gave way to your desire to help and uplift others.” Honerva’s distorted cheek marks suddenly reshape into their original Altean form. A short recap of Lotor’s life ensues, and Honerva bitterly concludes: “He deserved better. Better than I could give.” She weeps sincerely when Allura asks her to change everything back. “I’m sorry… but the damage is done. There’s nothing left to save.”

Although the scene is emotional and uplifting, I believe it lacks the buildup and intensity needed for a redemption of this magnitude. And that is because…

There has been much discussion around the edits made in these last scenes, including my own analysis - here and here. A recent tweet (2023) suggesting Shiro was drawn over Lotor in this last scene - liked and shared by Shiro’s VA - also sparked more interest in this subject. My opinion is that Lotor was drawn over with multiple characters, depending on the scene. They used Shiro, they also used Allura, and who knows who else. S8 was profoundly altered, the original message erased… Starting from that premise, here’s what I think really happened in this scene, which would have elevated the last part of the show to a truly remarkable ending: instead of Allura, it was Lotor who revived Honerva’s consciousness, as a follow up on what Lotor told her in their interaction in S6: “[…] maybe I will take pity on you when the time comes”. It would mean the ultimate family reunion and both son and mother would heal their multi-millennial wounds. Because, like I said, this mind meld looked suspiciously peaceful coming right after Allura and Honerva had fought a trans-reality life-and-death battle. Honerva allowing Allura’s hands over her head feels a bit unrealistic, but if Lotor were the one approaching her, the mother would be more receptive. This is speculative, of course. But keep in mind more and more evidence has started to emerge, supporting this version. And I’ll discuss more about this during Lotor’s analysis.

No matter, this ending that we got still partially preserves the original intent for Honerva, which was forgiveness, redemption through her own participation in the salvation of all realities.

Honerva finally reverts to her original self and the beautiful story arc closes.

A more complex arc than Zarkon’s, for sure (this took 3 times as many pages). Complex, interesting, diving into subjects such as ambitions versus obsessions, mental illness, motherhood, love, various emotional stages and subtle transitions, suppressed feelings, tension and accumulation of negative emotions, culminating with mental breakdown. And let’s not forget the artistry of Studio Mir in rendering the vast array of facial expressions, and the VA’s exceptional job with Honerva’s nuanced script.

Many of these nuanced emotional transitions will be found again in Lotor’s analysis, although effected by completely different reasons.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long, long analysis. Thoughts and opinions are always welcome!

#honerva #honerva meta #vld meta #voltron meta #lotor #voltron legendary defender #madness in vld #jesseblue writes #a bit of lotor meta in here as well #whew you survived this long post congrats! #even if only a handful of people will read this my message remains the same: #the writers and EPs were done so wrong #the story they created is clearly still there buried under the garfle-warfle #the best proof will come with Lotor's meta

[annakie]

An Annotated Mass Effect Playthrough, Part Two

Aliens!  Exposition!  Guns!  Explosions!  Kickass Ladies!  Betrayal!  So much death!

Um, this got long. Sorry not sorry.

List of Posts: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

The first thing Mass Effect does after coming out of the introduction is assure us that yes, we have aliens 

and we have hot guys (and hot aliens, if you’re into that sort of thing.)

They should have made an advertisement pointing out these things just for me so I would have paid release price for this game.  Ah well, I’ve bought it on 360, Steam and Origin now.  They have my money.

We’re going to make it most of the way through Eden Prime in this post.

One thing Mass Effect does a lot of in the beginning here is exposition.  There’s a lot to learn about the state of the galaxy in 2148, and there are people there to make sure you learn about it.  Jeff and Kaidan only do a little bit of exposition, you learn about Nihilus, a tiny bit about Spectres, and that Captain Anderson is badass.  I wish this scene actually lasted longer -- this is the only time we see Kaidan away from his Orange Corner (or that other orange wall) on the ship for awhile.  I guess there’s the conference room, but still.  If they ever do a remaster, please Bioware, let the companions move around the ship like in ME3 and give our boy better lighting.

I love the flow of the Normandy SR1.  It feels the easiest to get around in since it’s so much smaller... except when you have to get on the elevator.  I also love the dark theme.  The ME2 SR2 always feels so... blinding.  The only thing I miss from the SR2 really is my decked out Captain’s quarters.  I mean does anyone even ever go into the ME1 quarters except to get the one codex entry until it’s sexytime?

I do like ME1′s use of ambient conversations, you get to learn a little about Pressley and Jenkins before talking to them.  Those conversations, though, are just such exposition dumps.  I think they do it fairly well, but there’s so much to remember.  Both Jenkins (with Chakwas) and Pressley really harp on what and who Spectres are, pretty sure even before you talk to Nihilus you have an inkling you’re gonna eventually be one.  

I honestly wish we had more actual interaction with Pressley than what we get here, he has very little to say after this point.  Another hope for a remaster.

This kid Jenkins, he’s got a good career ahead of him if we can tame his hot-headedness.  That’ll be his role in the game, I’m sure, the kid you mentor and grow into a reflection of you.  Good to know he’s from the planet we’re heading to, I’m sure he’ll be a valuable source of information there.

Having played a lot of World of Warcraft, and I mean a LOT, from the alpha, then release, for the next two or three years, the fact that his name was Jenkins was actually a bit of a hint for me even then.  But more in the “Wouldn’t it be funny if...?” and then he did.  Nice. 

I’m really glad Chakwas gets fleshed out a little more in just the one more conversation after this one and in future games.  Because there’s not much to say about her here.

Whew!  Exposition over, right?  We’ve learned about Spectres, the First Contact War, about Eden Prime, that we’re in the Alliance, that there’s Turians and a council that governs things and... we’re good, right?

Wait, didn’t Anderson say he was already with Nihilus in the conference room?  Where’d he go?  What a bro, to step out and let Nihilus make a big turn-around moment of introduction to us.  Okay, more loredump.  Cool.  Really getting the concept of Spectres now, for sure, especially from this guy, who is one!

Finally, Anderson.  Just in time to tell us about Spectres, and Eden Prime, and now it’s time to learn about the Protheans.  Whaaaaat?  You want ME to maybe be a Spectre?  I’m shocked! 

Oh sorry, Annakie just flew through time from ME3 to stare into the camera incredulously.

I’m sure that this will be a decision that will be deeply impactful through the entirety of the rest of the series.

But here we learn about Protheans, and they lost me a bit on that one when we first played the game.  Who the fuck cares about what happened 20,000 years ago?  THIS IS THE FUTURE!!!  We’re in SPACE!

Well, we wouldn’t get away from the Protheans so easily.

Oh what the FUCK is that thing?  You’ve hooked me right back in.  Tell Alenko and Jenkins to suit up?  LET’S GO.

You guys... ALOV is so good, and so pretty.  And these screenshots look shittier on tumblr!!  Look how clear these movies are now.  And these are just 720p!   They’re working to upscale them to 4k!  Again I say, all hail the modders.

Still, that giant red spot doesn’t look so good for the people living there...  

I’m sure it’s fine.

We’re all suited up, but sadly the super cool alien isn’t coming with us?  Didn’t he say he was here to follow and observe us?  Well, he knows what he’s doing.

Anyone else already willing to die for Anderson fifteen minutes into this game?

The sky is supposed to be that color red, right? Right Jenkins?

As cool as this level design is, also something that could use improving.  There’s like... no housing here?  Just a bunch of tall towers on the ground all really realy far apart from each other?  You’re on a new planet and everyone lives inside a giant tower?  I mean, good for preventing Urban Spawl I guess.  I’d love to see a more populated Eden Prime.  Even in ME3 we just saw a small dig site and more towers in the distance.  

Anyway, better level up.  Jenkins is young and needs some training if he’s gonna survive this mission!

Here we go, show us what you’ve got!

Shit.

My first time through, I truly thought I’d fucked up and probably reloaded this fight two or three times before accepting he was just... supposed to die.  And then I remembered his name was Jenkins, knew it was intentional, and laughed.  

Honestly, it’s a great fakeout with making us feel like Jenkins is important, and then having him lose the battle right away.  ME1 is pretty brutal that way. It’s a good way to signal that this game is probably going to rip your heart out, so get used to it.  

Shepard and Kaidan have a moment, and I like this because it’s really the first time I think you can really start showing who your Shepard is, with how you react to Jenkins’ death.  Either way, I like it that she tells Kaidan that we need to focus.  I also love that, though we don’t get to see a moment for Jenkins from here on out in ME1, that they finally gave his memory a moment in ME3.

I love Flycam.

What. An. Entrance. For. Ashley. Williams.  

Bioware, give us Ashley and Kaidan living in a Mass Effect Remaster, please.  I will pay $100 for this DLC.  (I know, I KNOW.)  I have only played through with Ashley living all the way through once.  I’m sorry Ash, I love you.  I just... LOVE Kaidan.

But hey that’s HOURS away.   For now, she’s with us, and she’s amazing.

Sorry, I just caught several great images from Ashley’s intro and thought you needed to see them.  It’s gonna be a miracle if tumblr lets this thing post.

This is fine.

Uh, I’m not the only one who still sometimes dies on Eden Prime because I can never remember how the controls work until like, the end of the planet, right?  “CRAP,  WHICH BUTTON IS MEDIGEL?”  “WHY ISN’T THE SQUAD RESPONDING TO GOING WHERE I TELL THEM WITH Q and E?”  “Shit shit shit gotta reload OH FUCK JUST THREW A GRENADE SIX INCHES AWAY.  WHY IS THAT MAPPED TO R?”

Grotesque and yet...  great visuals.  This is when you realize these Geth aren’t playing around.  This is Bad Bad.

Iiiiif you also used to always punch out Miguel and then like awhile later realized how shitty that was and now know that the “Geinuis is the other side of the coin of Madness” speech here is also really shitty... raise your hand.  Especially since Miguel is, you know, right.   Anyway, do better on a remaster, Bioware?

The one good thing here was the “Thank the Maker” at the very beginning of the encounter.  I want Shepard to visit Thedas.  Give us this DLC, Bioware!!

Oh Nihilus, you were too pretty, and trusting, for this world.  

Bioware, again, in the remaster... please go with your original plan and not make Saren all Gethed out this early.  I wish that could be modded away.  It’s so distracting to have him be OBVIOUSLY HALF MACHINE and everyone being like “Saren?  Working with the Geth?  PREPOSTEROUS!!”

Got some AMAZING screenshots of Sovereign taking off thanks to Flycam.

Also, this is just such an OH SHIT moment.  Look at that thing! It’s terrifying!  Also it’s easy to miss if you’re looking the wrong way, this maybe shoulda been in a cutscene. But even so, when you see it, it fills you with SUCH DREAD.  They do such a great job of amping up the tension and drama and mystery bit by bit on Eden Prime.  Giving you bits of the greater story and also feeding you pieces that will eventually come together, but not for awhile.  

I followed Soverign as long as I could before he disappeared.  Got this far away from land.  The actual spaces in the game are huge, but we’ll get to more of that later.

Congrats!   You all survived!  For uh... about two and a half more years?

Can’t believe we can’t loot the Spectre’s body.  

Also... the luckiest dock worker in the world.  I can never yell at him for sleeping on the job.  It’d be hilarious if he showed up alive on Horizon in ME2, and like Haven in ME3.

This is the guy that usually kills me.

OK, this is ridiculously long already.  We’ll finish up Eden Prime and get to the Citadel next time.

#mass effect #annakie's mass effect stuff #bioware #mass effect 1

[horde-princess]

Catradora in “Promise”

This ep has so much going on, I wanted to work through it chronologically and try to peel back the layers of their relationship. What are Catra’s motivations? What drives her to turn on Adora and leave her for dead? This gets kinda intense sorry but I add fun pictures to make up for it :’)

So the first flashback shows us how Catra came to rely on Adora for friendship and protection. After they relive this memory together, Catra instinctively saves Adora’s life, and they joke around a little--the heartwarming memory having briefly resurrected their broken friendship.

But as the episode continues, the cracks in their relationship start to show--cracks so deep they were hidden from both of them until they grew older. Catra casually jokes that Adora never had much faith in her, and when Adora agrees, Catra says she doesn’t blame her. This little exchange says a lot about their dynamic, since Catra always had so much faith in Adora (even when Adora may not have earned it). What I believe they’re talking about here is how Catra didn’t really work hard as a cadet, or do anything that would show her strength of character and thus allow Adora to respect/trust her. Catra was simply never given the opportunity to prove herself in that regard.

Then, Catra asks about Adora’s childhood memories. “It wasn’t all bad growing up in the Fright Zone, was it? I mean, you still have some good memories, right?” Considering the awkward way she asks this, you can kind of translate her question to mean “so, exactly how easy was it for you, leaving me behind? Did all the years we spent together really mean so little to you?” 

In the next flashback, they’re older, and we see how Catra is struggling to hold back resentment towards Adora now. They are evenly matched fighters--actually, Catra might be better because she’s craftier than Adora--but somehow it’s always Adora who ends up getting all the praise... and Adora never noticed how unfair it was.

When we met Catra in the first episode, she came off as kind of lazy and rebellious, right? But in this episode it’s revealed that she only took on that persona when she realized she would always be seen as second best to Adora. She chose to protect her pride rather than put effort into something she would never get due credit for--from Adora, Shadow Weaver, or anyone else. 

Basically, she had three options: 1.) fight against Adora and risk their relationship; 2.) work hard, accept her place as second best, and let everyone view her as weak (including the girl whose respect she desperately craved); and 3.) pretend she just didn’t care about her work. The implication of option 3 is that she chose to prioritize her relationship with Adora over her ambitions. But as Catra eventually learns, suppressing who you are is not a reliable coping mechanism.

After this, back in the beacon cave, Catra is attacked by a giant spider robot. She defeats it herself then gets extremely offended when Adora jumps in to try to save her from it. So we’re seeing how Catra’s past memories with Adora are affecting her motivations in the present day. She wants her respect but she’s not getting it. Now she’s back to being angry with Adora, and Adora (as usual) doesn’t understand why.

And then we get to a really pivotal moment. Adora apologizes for leaving, admitting she never wanted to leave Catra--just the Evil Horde. Then she says, “you could come with me, you could join the Rebellion! I know you’re not a bad person, Catra.”

Catra doesn’t respond but her conflicting emotions are written all over her face. Catra is not a bad person. She isn’t doing evil things just for the sake of hurting people or gaining power over people, like Hordak. She wants power to protect herself. Her morality is gray.

Catra was raised in an abusive, evil environment, trained to believe that people only respect you when they fear you. People only love you when they fear you... Except for Adora. Adora’s unconditional love was the foundation on which Catra had built her life. Through all the abuse and misery, it’s what gave her hope that things would be better one day. It’s what she clung to for survival. 

When Adora abandoned her? That foundation of love and friendship crumbled to dust. Catra was forced to fall back on the only other method of self-preservation that she knew: power. Control. With Adora gone, she would do whatever she had to do in order to avoid ever becoming a victim again. 

So at this point we can start piecing together Catra’s motivations... she is being driven on one hand by her childhood trauma (which Adora played a part in), and on the other hand by Adora’s betrayal. Adora is clueless about it all, which I sort of get since Catra never confronted her about anything. I think Adora is only just beginning to understand the extent of the emotional trauma she unintentionally inflicted on Catra, and there’s a lot of growth that needs to happen there before Catra will be willing to extend forgiveness. But I do think reconciliation is possible, and Catra’s reaction here when Adora says she’s not a bad person gives me hope that she can still be redeemed.

Moving on, there’s a flashback where we learn about Shadow Weaver’s abuse, and it sparks an argument where Catra yells at Adora for not protecting her “in any that would put [her] on Shadow Weaver’s bad side.” I won’t go into this since there are other posts analyzing it, but clearly Adora had broken her promise to Catra continually throughout their childhood without really realizing it. Anyway, then Adora asks why Catra won’t just leave with her and join the Rebellion, and Catra reveals it’s because she’s tired of living under Adora’s shadow.

Ok. Imma get deep for a second. So we’ve established that Catra hates feeling like she’s second best to Adora, and that’s what she thinks would happen if she joined her team. Strangely enough, in addition to Catra’s pride and ambition, my theory is that there may be a romantic element to this as well. Catra doesn’t want to be Adora’s sidekick, but... I don’t think her goal is to be better than Adora, either. I think what she wants more than anything is for Adora to see her as an equal. (Not once in the show does Catra say that she wants to be stronger than Adora. instead she says things like “I’m stronger than anyone ever thought” and that she wants Adora to feel weak. That’s a lot different than comparing their strength.)

Remember in the second episode, Catra tells her “it doesn’t matter what they do. The two of us look out for each other. And soon, we’ll be the ones calling the shots.” Catra was dreaming of the day when she and Adora would rule together, side by side. No more fighting for Hordak’s approval, no more relying on her protection. No more golden child vs. reject, but partners. Just the two of them at the top of the world. Maybe then, Catra would finally feel worthy of accepting Adora’s love. But how can they ever be equals, especially now that Adora is an 8 ft tall magical hero?... Well, they can’t be.

At least, not as long as they’re fighting on the same side. 

It’s only on the battlefield where they can be seen as equally powerful, equally respected... by their kingdoms, and, most importantly, by each other. It makes sense in a twisted way. After all, there’s a thin line between love and hate.

So I believe this is part of the reason she refuses to join Adora’s side of the war. Catra thinks she needs to win Adora’s respect in order to balance out their relationship. Even if achieving this goal costs one of their lives. That sounds horrible but, as I wrote earlier, Catra’s faith in love was shattered by Adora’s betrayal, and now Catra is utilizing her abusers’ teachings that people only “love” you if they fear you. 

[whew.........congrats if you’re still reading this lmao we’re nearing the end finally]

The last thing I’ll go over is the “promise” itself. Little Adora says the lines that Catra repeated wayyy back in the 2nd episode: “It doesn’t matter what they do to us, you know? You look out for me, and I look out for you. Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other.”

In what is possibly the most SOUL CRUSHING MOMENT IN TV HISTORY.... the girls walk off hand-in-hand, except little Catra turns back to look at her future self. and if I had to guess what was going through her mind it was probably something like, “I wish I could warn you, Catra... she’s going to break her promise. And your heart.”

Wow. This episode is an emotional journey. It shows that it wasn’t just one act of betrayal that turned her into a villain, but it was all the years of Adora unintentionally putting her down, despite promising to protect her. Catra sacrificed so much for their relationship, and in reliving this memory she realizes that she mistakenly placed all the faith she had in a girl who would one day throw it away like it meant nothing. 

So, it’s with this swirling mix of emotions that Catra, for the second time this episode, finds herself with the choice of saving Adora’s life or letting her fall. 

And now that she has had some time to reflect on it... well. What had valuing friendship ever done for Catra in the past?

edit: i’m in love with Adora, I just criticize her a lot in this post bc I was thinking from Catra’s perspective. I think Adora only had the best of intentions, but she was abused herself, and she certainly suffered under the burden of being Catra’s protector. Catra may have wanted her to rebel against Shadow Weaver w/ her when they were kids, but if she had done that then they both would’ve been screwed, and that’s something Catra doesn’t want to accept. Instead she wants to fixate jealously on the way Adora benefited from the special treatment. There is probably some truth to her accusation that Adora loved being the favorite (because, who wouldn’t?)--but that doesn’t change the fact that everything, everything Adora did was to keep Catra safe. Unfortunately, this arrangement still caused an inevitable status disparity, with Adora looking down on Catra and Catra stuck gazing up at her. god this ship is so tragic i love it ajsldjfl

#if anyone actually reads this whole thing you'll have to let me buy you a drink or something lmao #this story is so complex and amazing like.... Noelle's MIND. wow #catradora #she ra #meta

[octannibal-blake]

⭐ AND ☀ "warm" + Bellarke !! Congrats!

whew, I am so sorry it took me a few days to get to this! i hadn’t been doing the celebration for a minute, but hell, i’m never going to turn anyone down with these kind of things! thank you, btw

url: not my style | okay | good | great | amazing | BELLAMY BLAKE

icon: not my style | okay | good | great | amazing l RAVEN REYES

theme: not my style | okay | good | great | amazing | CLARKE GRIFFIN

posts: not my style | okay | good | great | amazing | MONTY GREEN

following: no, sorry | yes | i am now | YOU ARE MY PEOPLE

comments: your blog has such a good mix of aesthetic, fandom, and humor posts! i love it. honestly, i have a weakness for humor posts so you got me there! happy to follow you! find your fic below!! title comes from the song of the same name by Florence + the machine!

heavy in your arms

Clarke hardly sleeps anymore. When she does it’s fitful and usually ends in a cold sweat. The nightmares have been cruel reminders of all she’s done to get here. Remind her that she doesn’t deserve it, not that she needs to be reminded. She knows exactly how many lives she’s ended. How many grounders were burned when she closed the dropship door. How many people were irradiated in Mount Weather. How many people died in the City of Light. How many people were left outside the bunker to die when Praimfaya ripped through  the world with a vengeance. She had intended to be one of those people, but as fate would have it, death wouldn’t come to her yet.

Wanheda, Commander of Death.

She’s awake now, the aftermath of the nightmare still rolling down her cheeks in tears. Her father appeared to her, asking her why she did it. Why did she kill people? Why did she kill him? He would be so disappointed in the person she is. The person she’s become.

She rolls from her bunk and doesn’t bother to put on her jacket or shoes. She just walks the familiar path. It shouldn’t be familiar, she shouldn’t continue to do this. It’s her burden to bear. It’s her problem to deal with. But the draw is magnetic and she can’t seem to pull away, even if it hurts her in the end. Hurts him.

She finds him fast asleep in his bunk. She gently lifts up the covers and slides in behind him, curving her body to his easily, like two puzzle pieces meant to fit together. She presses a cheek to his back and takes a deep breath. He’s here. Alive. Strong. Warm. And so Bellamy. He’s right here.

It doesn’t take him long to wake up. She doesn’t usually intend for him to wake up. That’s not why she comes here, to talk about her nightmares to someone who feels as much guilt (probably more) as she does. It’s not fair to him, to the sweet freckled boy who has carried the weight of the people on his shoulders for so long, to carry her as well. She’s so heavy.

“You okay?” he asks, voice raspy with sleep. He turns to face her, sliding his arm underneath her so she can burrow into his chest. It’s familiar. It’s intimate. In another life, she thinks, it could be more.

“I am now,” she whispers. It’s not a lie. She comes here to lay with him because he silences the voices. Silences the guilt. When she’s with him, all feels right in the world. She loves him, she knows that. But she can’t be in love with him. Monsters don’t fall in love.

She feels his lips brush her hair and she relaxes further into him. There will never be enough words to convey how grateful she is for him. Once enemies, they’ve come so far. When she had tried to remain outside the bunker with the other 1,000 people left to die, he had forced her inside.

“I can’t do this without you,” he pleaded from the doorway, “If you die, I die.”

If I’m on that list, you’re on that list.

She had been so angry with him at first. Their first few months were spent in silence, avoiding one another and only speaking when it came to matters of the people. But then one night she dreamt of Jasper, the sadness in his eyes, the hatred he carried for her after Mount Weather. It’s one of her deepest regrets. Because it killed people who didn’t deserve to be killed. It killed Jasper. She hates herself for it.

She found herself crawling into bed with him before she could even think about it. And he hadn’t asked why. Didn’t even blink. He just opened his arms and let her cry into his t-shirt. He held her while she fell apart and when they woke up the next day, things were okay. At least, they felt like they would be.

They’ve been in the bunker for two years. The people are beginning to move on from survival mode. They’re beginning to thrive, just like she said they would so long ago. She never felt like she could be part of that, like she could move on and begin a new life. But sometimes, on nights like these where she is vulnerable and Bellamy holds her like he’s afraid she might float away into the abyss, she thinks about thriving. She thinks it’s possible.

But does she deserve it? No, she thinks, and that’s the hardest part. But she can pretend in these moments, in the dark and wrapped in his warm embrace. Even if just for a moment.

#liz answers #liz celebrates #bellarke #bellarke fanfiction #bellarke prompt fill #drabble #ayyy how about some angsty shit

[dearartdirector]

Dear AD, hi! I went abroad to study Illustration in the UK, but while staying there, I discovered that I've had hard time coping with anxiety and panic attacks. All my self-esteem is gone, and I feel as if once I'm going to graduate, I'll go crying back in my country and have no chance to get a job as an artist. I was wondering if you can have a full-time job from abroad. If not, I'll have to find a way to cope, but I don't really want to spend every penny to doctors in order to be able to work.

You seem to be backed into a terrible corner, and I can feel the waves of overwhelmed radiating off you right thru this post. There’s a lot in this question. Let’s unpack this a bit:

A—Self-Esteem: Many many people, and a hell of a lot of artists, suffer from both anxiety and panic attacks. And the ones who don’t, in my experience, have just a hard a time with the opposite end of the spectrum, depression. I don’t even like to call these issues mental illness, because it’s just mental reality. I can tell you, after 4 decades on this earth, that no human I have ever met does not deal with some type of anxiety or depression. When it’s crippling, it is definitely an illness, but everyone has some level of it. You don’t get to be a successful adult without learning a method how to cope with your own mind and emotions. So don’t let the fact that you’re struggling with this eat your self-esteem. Everyone has their baggage. If you figure it out now, then congrats! You’re early! You’ll have less baggage to deal with when you hit middle age.

B—Anxiety and Panic Attacks: There’s 3 levels of dealing with this, and you’re going to have to work through them on separate layers at once, but I find it helps to think of it in artistic terms:     Foreground: Panic Attacks. There are methods to defuse a panic attack as you feel it come on, and they are all variations of first distracting yourself from focusing on your own panic, then taking a step back and looking at what’s happening from a teeny bit of distance. Like “Ok, I’m having a panic attack. I’ve been here before. I will be ok. I can ride this out and I will be fine. Is there a safe place I can stop and chill for a few minutes?”     Midground: How your body copes with Anxiety. Your body can’t deal with an endless time of flight or fight response – because that’s what anxiety and stress is. Your body is processing stress as if it’s in a battle, fighting to survive. And while that’s an important skill in short term, it’s totally untenable long-term. So your body is loading up on as much stress/anxiety as it can possibly take, and when it hits a certain threshold amount, it’s going to ditch it in a giant panic attack, and reset the clock to zero. Now, that’s super fucking inconvenient. Wouldn’t it be better if you taught your body to work through stress when you chose? Not when it chose? There are many methods to do that, but if I were you I would focus on the ones that have a physical component (yoga, working out, martial arts, deep breathing, runs, long walks, etc.) because your body is already dealing with it physically, so it’ll be easier to channel it into some other physical thing.     Background: What’s causing the Anxiety. Now, there’s stress you can reduce, and stress you can’t. Life is really fucking stressful, and while you can certainly reduce some by shifting things in your life, change generally comes slowly over time. There might also be family problems, traumas, or situations like stressful jobs you can’t get out of right now. It might take therapy. Actually, if there is anything you can do to afford therapy (in your case colleges usually have free therapy for students, ask around) then do so. It’s like personal training for your brain and completely ignore any social stigma you think is attached to it. Some of the most successful people in the world go to therapy every week. And I do too. And I will as long as I can afford to. It can help with all of the above. In fact, I’m not a therapist, so anything I’ve said above is just hearsay, and you should listen to your therapist’s advice if you have one. Everybody: if you don’t have one, go see if you can get one.

C) Finishing School: The end of school is scary. Do yourself a favor and try to get any job you can when you’re done. If it’s an art-related job, great. If it’s not, then take it to make ends meet and make art on the side. Keep working on your portfolio and network and making great art, and eventually you will get freelance jobs and/or an art job (depending on what kind of art you are doing). You are still an artist if you need time after school to figure out what you’re doing. Most people do. Don’t stress yourself out even more by insisting your baby art career has to support you 100% as soon as you’re done.

D) International Artists: Yes, people work in art fields from everywhere in the world. Your career does not die if you leave the US/UK. The magic of the internet makes it so everyone can network through social media. Since I don’t know what country you are talking about going back to, and I don’t know what kind of art you make, I can’t make specific suggestions. But there are art jobs in every country, but more importantly, you can freelance from anywhere. As for staff jobs, again, I can’t talk specifically without knowing more about what field you’re trying to get into, but there’s many companies all over the world that use artists. And again, when you’re a freelancer, usually people only care about the languages you can understand, not where you’re physically located.

Whew, that was an epic post, but I wanted to help your seriously stressed question as much as I could. Sending your hugs through the internet. Good luck!

—Agent KillFee

#agentkillfee #anxiety #stress #education #foreignartists #international #therapy #mentalhealth #artisttherapy #school #student #selfesteem #panicattacks

[survivorazores]

Ep. 7 - “A connoisseur of keyboard smashes“ - Abbey

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163772166338/tribal-immunity-7

Whew! An easy tribal ty to my tribe for not being crackd this proves who the ones that need to go are!!  Now to win and make jury since I'm already a huge target 

Ricky being voted off is good because I never talked to him when we had the One World Beach. I'm just glad to see Bryce safe :-)! Things have been very calm on Salao. How I like it. Now a new challenge has been posted and god - I think the hosts know how much I suck at puzzles and are rigging it against me. Anyway, I guess I have to work on that tonight after the show. I'm excited! I'll probably call Amanda and work on the puzzle with her. I'm hoping something interesting happens soon but I am also enjoying the peace.

i got swapped away from amanda and its a bad time. im with will and emily and we have plans to make a majority alliance that should work. we won immunity though so thats good

The thing is I love Emily so I just don't know what to should I spill the tea? Also these two new people I don't get at ALL they barley talk something sounds fishy to me I'm thinking of splitting the votes also I love me some Gwen! I love her, abbey is a wild card I just wanna make merge

This puzzle is going to be the death of me. It's so difficult and I don't understand how someone can do it in under 20 minutes. Lord, help me.

OMG IM SOOOO HAPPY RICKY IS OUT!!!! I literally have only been to 1 tribal i loves it!!!! and now we have a 6th person out I'm GAGGGING SIGNOSINIOSNGSIONSOINIOSNF i can't wait till merge bc thats when shit really does get real af!!!! but anyways congrats on amanda n michael for surviving that tribal bc it was 4v4 i wonder who flipped???????? but whatever still  going to keep doing what I'm doing:)))))

I'm really nervous about tribal if we lose like no one talks game to me like I thought I was in a AmaZing position for the first half of the game we just need to win immunity otherwise I think I'm in a precarious position but it might be all paranoia

I have done this puzzle about twenty times. My time started at forty-seven minutes and now I'm at eighteen. I just want to beat fifteen!!! I can't do that though.

In regards to my social game, I've been keeping in touch with Ali and Amanda G of course, but I've also been talking a lot to Gwen, who is SUCH  sweetheart. She's just so sweet. We talked for a while about astrology and a little about theatre and like she just seems so genuinely interested and can actually keep a conversation. I love her??? So sweet. I feel really bad that I want to align with Gwen while trying to take out one of her closest allies, Nayeli, but it's because Nayeli has the idol and I can't fuck with that!!! I'm scared!!! Amanda G also has an idol but no one knows she does. It's pretty much universally known Nayeli has an idol. And we need her to either play the idol so we can get it out of the way, or she doesn't play it and gets voted off with the idol in her pocket.

Of course I'm hoping we can avoid tribal for another round, but I suck at puzzles. I see that Francie has scored a sixteen minute score and Nayeli twenty-seven minutes. That's a lot of a difference between scores and I'm worried!!! We have less than three hours!!! I just don't want tribal :-( I don't know who I would target and I'm scared I might be a target for some reason??? I just never feel safe and I don't know why. The only reason I would want to go to tribal is to get rid of Nayeli's idol (and also to make a pretty parchment. I've only made one.)

So I feel like I'm in a good position here I hope I don't get blindsided I have allies and I have abbey so I hope we can split the votes Nayeli kinda made me mad tho she said she didn't wanna talk to me because she said she was good with me, I kinda wanna get will out he's a threat and I don't what that at merge

Ricky getting voted out is both good and bad for my game, bad in that my best friend and number two is gone RIP, we would've been an F2 lock while keeping it lowkey - which brings me to why this is good for my game. We wouldn't have been able to keep an alliance quiet for long and we would've been picked off, so it's good that (if one of us did have to go) it happened pre-merge. Someone made a voting confessional saying he was a dangerous player for having survived the chopping block three times... little do they know I was a part of that as well. Oops! I know Amanda G will try to turn on me at some point for lying to her about the Zoe and Rafael votes, but for now we have to work together. It makes no sense to get rid of her until at least two of the other original Salaos on our tribe are gone. Me and Abbey can keep playing the middle, and if we have to go to tribal we could easily push people against someone else. My core four right now are me, Abbey, Emily, and Amanda - and I know we can take out the others if it comes to it. Nayeli is a good person to keep as well - we could take Ali out unanimously now, then turn the numbers on Nayeli and Gwen if we needed to. I'm not playing to make friends and share fun stories anymore, I'm playing to win this.

I've never been more nervous for results. I did terrible in the challenge and I'm hoping others don't target me for that

My former tribe ties should keep me safe in this game, but I can't trust other people's influences on one another. I'm out for myself in this tribe.

i hope i get voted out. yeah i literally dont really talk to anyone bc im literally tired't of survivor its ugly BUT im just hoping someone else is liked less

I love the concept of other people taking the lead, because I'll never be the one to take the fall. If a rumor or an alliance or a name originates from someone else it makes it that much easier to hide when shit goes down and let the other person take the heat for it and I'm? Entirely okay with that?

The Espirito tribe finally wins immunity

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163810008853/immunity-results-7

This is my fourth tribal and I hate this. I just want a break from tribals, especially live ones. I hate them because the struggle is real to come up with a good answer live and the struggle is real to keep your poker face in tact. I'm really nervous for tomorrow but hopefully, we'll get rid of Nayeli.

I'm so glad we won this challenge because we don't have to worry about this coming tribal council. What does worry me is that I had the second shortest time, after Amanda, (though Bryce's time was only 30 seconds more than mine) because even though it helped us win it's likely to put a target on my back come merge if people come to view me as a threat for doing a good job in challenges. I'm not gonna lie, I'm glad I had the second shortest time because the primary target at merge would be Amanda before myself. I want to keep Amanda in this game because I trust her more than the other players but it's kind of a comfort knowing that even if I wind up with a target on my back shortly after merge, someone else has a larger target. If she leaves before I do then I'll really have to worry.

IM SO HAPPY, THIS IS WON-DERFUL

I won a challenge??? Only the 2nd challenge I've won so far excluding the left/right thing. It feels good to not be in trouble for a  day! Also I looked at some wiki seasons and I think the merge will be approaching soon. I really hope Amanda, Emily, and Will... are safe! I miss our calls :(

We did that!!!! Whew thank you team!!! https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/glee/images/9/9a/MarryYouBrittana.gif/revision/latest?cb=20120810110301

WE WON SOMETHING WOOHOO! winning has never felt so good I'm glad I'm safe for one more week and it'll be interesting to see what happens with the other tribe.  I just hope that Will will be okay. I doubt it will be nayeli because I think she's really well liked by everyone.

SO we lost the challenge which is fine tbh. Will and I have a plan so it should work out fine. An alliance came together of Will, Emily, Amanda and myself. Thats 4 on a tribe of 7 so we have majority. I want gwen gone, but Gwen is close with Nayeli apparently and Nayeli has the idol. SO I came up with the idea to try to flush the idol. Idk if its gonna work yet but we shall see

Not only did we win but we won with puzzle challenge which I am horrible at!!! I was not last!!!! https://68.media.tumblr.com/f430e94315accfedf94476de6bc56178/tumblr_inline_oietjpkxfl1tu9u6o_500.gif

I just realized that I made a typo in my confessional from a few hours ago as I was looking at the immunity challenge results again. The difference in my time and Bryce's was 20 seconds not 30

ODHHHHHHHHHH my god. My page refreshed before I could send my long ass, well thought out confessional. This thing was like ten paragraphs, I kid you not.I guess I'm starting over.

I'm bummed about losing the competition because I feel like I'm really stuck. The person I want to go after is Nayeli because she hasn't made any connections with me and she has an idol. Her idol makes me very uneasy. I want to get rid of it before merge.

My plan for doing so is to get Abbey, Ali, Amanda G, and Will to vote for Nayeli. I know that Gwen is very close to Nayeli, and if Nayeli's name is brought up to her, Gwen will inform Nayeli of the fact, and Nayeli's idol will definitely be played. Whoever Gwen and Nayeli vote for will then be voted off, and that is very risky considering I'm aligned with literally everyone else on the tribe.

I just ended a call with Ali about the coming tribal, and he seems very on board with voting out Nayeli. He told me he was added to an alliance called "The Girls Next Door" with Gwen and Nayeli once our new tribes were settled. He didn't tell me about his five person alliance he had previously with Amanda Lynn, Michael, Gwen, and Nayeli, but I remember it. I still trust Ali nonetheless. We both established that we can tell each other anything - though I'm not exactly doing that. I reassured him that no one was bringing up names to me, and that he wasn't just being left in the dark - though that is what is sort of happening. We made a plan though. He is going to talk game with Nayeli and Gwen and lean them towards voting out Will. Ali will tell them that I will vote with them and thus have the majority. In their mind, it will be Ali, Gwen, Nayeli, and myself voting Will and then Will, Abbey, Amanda G voting elsewhere. But, if everything goes how I want it to, the votes will fall like Gwen and Nayeli voting for Will and Ali, Amanda G, Abbey, Will, and myself voting Nayeli. Nayeli doesn't play her idol, and she goes home. If Nayeli does happen to play her idol, Will goes home. Will isn't as close to me as the others. The problem with being aligned with everyone in the game is not wanting to see anyone go because you gain something from each connection :-(. I don't want Will to go, but I also would rather him go than Amanda G or Ali.

If Gwen and Nayeli vote Abbey, though, I wouldn't be very upset either. I have thought about who I would want to go the most if Nayeli plays her idol, and I have decided it's either Will or Abbey. I feel like Abbey trusts me because of the Gal Pals alliance that Amanda Lynn created. I know that Abbey and Amanda Lynn are very close, and that is dangerous, especially considering how good Amanda Lynn is at comps. If I want to take Amanda Lynn out eventually - and I do - then I need to weaken her connections. Abbey would be the first boot because they are so close. And I don't have to go through Amanda Lynn for "permission" because we're on separate tribes. She wouldn't be able to confront to me about it until merge. I'm enjoying the One World Beach being taken away for that reason only.

I have also been planting seeds that Amanda G is a good person to have around because she's pretty alone and has few connections, which isn't exactly very true. Ali briefly brought up her name during our call, and I told him I think it'd be smarter to keep someone with no allies around and use them as a number in our favor. He agreed. I'm praying that when Ali talks to Gwen and Nayeli about the vote, Amanda G is not the one they plan on targeting. I want them to vote out either Abbey or Will. I could even tell them that Amanda G would be a number on their side. She would vote how we want her to vote. I just need to protect that girl. I can't have her leaving pre-merge. She and Ali are the ones I'm closest with on this tribe.

Ugh, but another negative to voting out Nayeli is that I just reconnected with Gwen and I'm going to have to keep her in the dark about this vote if I want this plan work. I feel bad because I really like her and I trust her and I want to work with her! But I also know she will guarantee Nayeli stays another round. And I can't have that. I need Nayeli and her idol gone before merge! I'm hoping I can do some damage control with Gwen after tribal and explain to her why I didn't tell her what was happening.

I'm going to talk to the newly formed alliance of myself, Amanda G, Abbey, and Will about this plan tomorrow and tell them Ali will vote with us and get the scoop on how Gwen and Nayeli will be voting. But now that I'm thinking about this, they will be very uneasy with Nayeli and Gwen's votes going towards one of them especially if Nayeli can play an idol, almost guaranteeing one of our own goes home. I just need to explain to them that Nayeli won't play her idol and we will be fine! We just need to stick together and stick to the plan. I don't think we can afford to split the votes. WAIT! If three of us vote for Nayeli, two for Gwen, and two (Nayeli and Gwen) vote for whoever, then that brings us to a tie if Nayeli plays her idol. A tie would then result in a revote between Gwen and the whoever, and we could vote out Gwen there. I like Gwen and I don't want her to go home, but if the dragons get worried, I'll need to tell them that plan to guarantee we don't go home this week.

I'm just hoping that no one is catching on to my many alliances. Once they do that, I'm fucked. Everyone will turn on me and I'll be gone. I also feel that I will be given responsibility for whatever results from this tribal, but I don't mind. I was talking to Ali about this and he was saying he doesn't want any blood on his hands from this tribal. While I admire that, I recognize that you have to get a little dirty if you want to win this game. I am more than willing to take responsibility for this tribal. I am not going to go to final tribal without a resume. This will be one of the things I can put on it. It's time for me to start making moves. I suppose getting a player with an idol out is my first real one. Wish me luck!

I'm so frustrated!!! I really like Gwen and I hate that I'm keeping her in the dark about this Nayeli plan but I know I have to!!! I have to draw the "Emily is everyone's friend" line somewhere. I need to accept the fact that I'll have to backstab some people. I don't want to!!! I feel bad!!! And damn I thought I would be playing like a hero. I feel like a real villain. I have barely done anything bad but I feel so shitty!!! I just hope that Gwen understands this move and doesn't hate me. I want to work with her but I think this move puts a barrier between us. I feel bad. But also this will be such a blindside and I'm really excited to have my name on it??? But HOLY FUCK!!!! I JUST FEEL LIKE A MESS!!!!!!!! I took advantage of that four tribal gap. I need to start playing!!! But I'm scared!!! Oh god I hate my life.

Emily told me that she was thinking of getting Nayeli out because she has the idol and I'm all up for it. I really want to work with Gwen because she seems sweet, but at the same time I need to get that idol out. No one suspects that I gave Toph the idol and no one suspects that I have one now. I feel confident because no one has even thought that I could have it. I feel like my social game is really saving me right now and I'm proud of it. I really hope this doesn't backfire on me.

I'm just writing one of these today because Ali rhymed confessional with bombfessional.  Also I'm just really glad that I'm not having to go to tribal council tonight WHEW.

Bombfessional

My (can I even call it mine?) plan is working out very well. I am excited. We have decided it best to split the votes 2 Gwen, 2 Abbey, 3 Nayeli to ensure that one of us doesn't go home. I'm just praying Nayeli doesn't use her idol. I feel so incredibly shitty lying to Gwen like this but I know I have to. Why do I have to like everyone in this game??? Not fair. I think the thing I'm scared about most is Will flipping on us and sending one of us home. But I have some sort of faith he won't do that. Ugh. I guess we'll see tonight. :')

me and nayeli are going to fight it out at tribal i guess??? I'm hopefully going to be voting with emily amanda g and ali and were all voting out abbey (i would like to do will but nayeli likes him so i guess ill stay with it) and anyways nayeli might vote with will UGH but let the battle begin!!!!! i hope I'm right bc she said emily is shady but idkkkkkkk I've been so good with her n amanda g soooooo and ali is kinda just following me it seems. IM SCARED IM GETTING PLAYED but I'm sure that I'm actually going to get abbey out! hahahaha i did THAT! gwen starting her resume for the FTC

There's a very real chance I'm gonna get blindsided tonight, and there's not really anything I can do about it - if they were smart they'd take me or Abbey out right now. Actually if I was smart I'd take Abbey out since her and Amanda Lynn are basically locked in as an F2 alliance, but I'm just gonna play what I was dealt and in this round it looks like I'm going against Nayeli and Gwen - sorry y'all. The best part is that I can just blame this all on Ali no matter who goes home, unless if I go home then the girls clearly have something going on and... that's understandable lol who doesn't love an all girls alliance. If this really all is a big ruse and they're gonna blindside me, then props to them, but I also don't think that's coming just yet. I'm a loyal number and that's what people need right now, at least until the loyal number turns out to be the one calling the shots the whole time

Whew, this was a fast round!! There isn't too much to say... We won immunity bc my tribe is amazing at puzzles. I was worried we were gonna lose, since Michael could only do it on mobile and his time was almost an hour. YIKES! But he was able to knock of 30 minutes, so whew! I'm hoping that will cause people to overlook that I got the lowest score overall. I'm mot making myself look like a non-threat..... gotta work on that. Hoping I only need to survive one more tribal before merge!

I am so paranoid!!!!! Help me I swear to god if I leave tho I'll be shocked and I will bed for my return but please I hope I stay shwhwhwh

B o m b f e s s i o n a l

From what I've heard, we're splitting the votes between Nayeli and Gwen incase Nayeli uses the idol. If she does, all of our votes go to Gwen and she's gona. I hope it sticks to this because we need that idol out before merge.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just want things to work out tonight. I don't want Nayeli to play her idol. And I have a feeling that even if she doesn't, my ties with Gwen will be cut forever considering she was our plan B should Nayeli play her idol. Ugh. At least I have Ali, Amanada G, Abbey, and Will on my side. I want merge. I feel shitty. Ugh. But I'm low key excited for tribal to be live because I look cute right now. Everyone should see me. I'm cute.

Eeek tribal coming up and I'm not in it, but I still don't feel quite comfortable in my current state of the game. Hoping a merge/twist happens soon or at least we can go on immunity runs. Really hoping our alliance doesn't go out 1 by 1 JFDKDSKF

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163847885008/tribal-7-nayeli-voted-out-3-2-2-abbey-and-gwen

Last Words:  i should have probably seen it coming since toph exposed me for having the idol. I almost abandoned the plan to go with abbey and vote out someone else when Will suggested it. maybe if i had done that i'd still be in the game but who knows.

Nayeli becomes the seventh person voted out of Survivor Athena: Azores

#episodes #imthegreatergood

[survivor-marianas-trench]

“I TOOK A PHOTO WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN!!!” - EPISODE 2

Me not being first boot??? *NUT BUTTON MEME* Amanda slaying and staying??? *NUT BUTTON MEME* Carson going and me, Liana, Christine, Lily, and Sam still being here even though we aren't officially aligned???? *NUT BUTTON MEME*

Ahhh me and kait did that i didnt expect it, im not sure how everything worked ut but it was wild whew, so many votes, im wary of kait cause she mightve lied to me but im hoping i can trust her

i only sent 1 pic for immunity so then i get lowest and i have chance of getting to cave or exile or whatever the heck and then hopefully i get idol and win the whole game woohoo

Well, that was a messy af tribal but it worked! I mean after the hell I went through, voting rob, then voting Amanda, then voting daisy only to find out I was too late and had to stick with rob! Like wtf. And for daisy to go home on a 3-2-1-1-1 with 2 null votes.  Like ok. And now we have a selfie olympics!!! Currently I'm sitting pretty with a 30% advantage in the challenge and 84 photos of things with the beginning letter for M or T!!!! I really would like to win this and stay immune for as long as humanly possibly lol. These tribals are messy right now because loyalties are just being formed Speaking of loyalties!! AMANDA!! I already love her #ThanksAHud! And I'm so glad that we are buddies! I'm just hoping that things work out for the both of us

That vote was a mess it seemed on Rob and Kait's tribe. Glad they stayed and Christine survived too. I'm not surprised Kait's tribe already voted for her, meanwhile the rest of us are sitting over here like: https://68.media.tumblr.com/894a6591ab3e2d171e8fec5d31ecbaeb/tumblr_omkup57QeN1r1gu3po1_400.gif

So Darian wins immunity.... https://media2.giphy.com/media/Rhhr8D5mKSX7O/200.webp#6 but I am also like  https://media0.giphy.com/media/IqO3mXbMLztHa/200.webp#4 See, I love Darian, but the issue is, I'm not sure if i can trust him, so he sort of needs to go soon,  but I see him sort of clean sweeping these immunities and that makes me a little worried honestly. I don't know what to expect this time around, and I am about to start sweating.... https://media0.giphy.com/media/VB5WwlZIt8eRy/200.webp#1

I'm a mess *takes a shot of vodka* I had 125 photos and forgot to turn them in. I TOOK A PHOTO WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN! 

This feeling around camp has been so strange and I'm not sure if it's because I won or just because every tribal isn't gonna be the same. I had more people talking to me for the first tribal like right after results were posted and serious game talk with the whole tribe. Yesterday night only Sam, Lily, Christine and Dan messaged me but we didn't even talk game. (Well I guess that's about the same amount of people, but like the conversations were less in depth like they were the first time.) I just feel aimless in this game and I don't really have a good strategy. I'm not even sure I want to make it far because it always gets ugly once you get far enough. Lily just solidified our alliance of 4 (Dan, me, Sam, and her) and I think it'll be easy enough to ride it out with them for a while. I'm wary because I don't have anyone I'm really close to (because these are people I usually don't play with!) so I kinda feel like I'm on the bottom. Lily and Dan seem to closest and I know in the past Sam will have multiple close allies and not necessarily stay loyal to one overall. Kelsey freaking randomly disappeared again! If anything I'd trust him a bunch because he's new and I can influence him more easily probably into giving me information and voting with me, but I can't do that with this weird continued activity/inactivity. Might he actually be a catfish? We will never know. Also!! Silly Gabby and Jonny having too much fun in One World last night. I knew Jonny was in Rakiura but that's basically it. Now I know they know each other irl probably thanks for the tea y'all!! (ricky, goodness, you have too many friends in this game since I'm pretty sure you know sara irl too with all these Washington/barista coincidences!)

Moments later...

Oh! Yeah I forgot to mention that I'm trying to get the tea about the loser place since unfortunately I did not lose. I'm not close to Veronica (as in I have not talked to her since Day 1) so I have low chances of finding out from her, but I talked to Billy last night and asked him to ask Chrissa about it. Though he said earlier how he's not close to Chrissa so I'll probably end up asking her myself! :/ Since I don't plan on going to loser place, I need to make friends with everyone who goes so they can give me all of their idols/advantages...or at least agree with me on how to use them!!

I want Sam gone!!!

Why was I stupid enough to pick the thing that makes me inelegible to compete in challenges? I'm an idiot. 

so i don't know how to vote this round and no one is talking! like are you guys serious omg 

Sorta feeling indifferent about the challenge I tried super hard! But either way congrats to all that won! Someone had like 100ish I think I saw? Oh hellll no girl doing the most. Nervous for trible tonight it'll be my first! I don't think I'm going home though, I talked to Jordan and he said hunter because he didn't submit anything for the challenge and is pretty quiet. I don't even know the kid but as long as it's not me ya know! TBH if it had been my decision I would have voted Julia. The girl has "I love being beautiful" or some shit like that as her fucking quote on skype like ew girl your hella extra. 

i like kait and amanda

I'm just like so over Sam so I'm trying to get him out as revenge for Eddie. Fake ass. If I can't get him out in Emathia, might as well get him out here.

20 minutes later...

My allies are Rhea, Kait, and Darian (even if he did vote for me). I like Emma but I know she's probably upset about the first vote. Sam and Steven, you can go. I can try and bring in Andie and Amanda close to me, but it will be fishy to do it now. That's on my tribe. I like Jenn too, and Sam, and Shea <3. You never know in this game, I might go out, but I think my position in the tribe may increase? I can see it. I love Rhea so much. She's the purest cinnamon roll I've ever met. <3 100%

OKAY! So now that I actually have time, I've been talking to people on my tribe a lot more. I've been talking to Billy, Chrissa, Jonny and Gabby and they all are reasonable people. Whilst talking with them we talked about how Hunter is pretty inactive in the game and that we could look at him as a potential first boot from the tribe. The whole twist of us being in One World and only have individual immunity has kind of flipped the entire game on it's head. Usually, weaker members of the tribe are targeted because they're a liability but weaker players don't really matter as much this season because tribal immunity exists. Which means that people that are stronger in challenges may start to be targeted to give those weaker people a better chance at winning individual. Honestly, good job Ricky and Monty because I've never seen this before and it's kind of fun. 

Well I didn't win the last challenge... My document glitched and I lost most of my pictures, but the fact that I would have won still keeps me going!

Kait is the best duo every she cuts the shit and gets right to the point and we murder everyone together its so fun. That being said I can't wait until i get to a point where i can work with my loves Luke and Dan. Also im going out and ACTUALLY having a social life so this is all the updates youre getting from me tonight! Wooooo

i cant believe i worked to get a self vote when i already had one like the FUCK why do bad things happen to slightly nice people 

I literally don't know what's happening bc I've been gone all day bc it's spring break, but I know I'm not going so BLESS

Well. Officially in an alliance with dan, Sam, and Liana. I love it. We are called the game changers but I wonder if everyone is doing that right now. Veronica should be going tonight, but I question if it should be shea. But I think Veronica is a good vote right now and shea would be better for the following vote. I don't know honestly if either goes it doesn't matter too much to me. I love this whole tribe but someone has to go. 

I confess to shovin a whole bag a jellybeans up my ass.

so basically this round i lost immunity again but idc bc i know these ho's and they not gonna do anything... I hope. So basically the plan was for veronica to throw immunity and get last so she could go on the reward and scout it out for steven and i bc us 3 r in a alliance. she did but she got a self vote. basically everyone wanted to vote veronica but bc of sheas fight with carson we r voting shea. i feel bad bc i like shea but i cant lose veronica this early. i put my neck out on the line so if i get sent home ill be sad but ill def understand why

ALLL RIGHT so this round i haven't done much/heard anything BUT IM WATCHING BAYKOR WILSON PLAY MUSIC AT JONNY FAIRPLAYS BIRTHDAY PARTY AND THE DEAD GRANDMA IS HERE 

My drunk ass needs to write a confessional in the next hour oops!! I hope that Veronica goes but apparently it's either Veronica or Shea. I just really hope it's not me. My tribe is quiet as fuck so I have no clue what's really hoping. Here's hoping my drunk ass makes it through 

i'm dead @ finding the idol. my goal is to idol liana out i think that'd be a boppin time, but for now i just wanna like continue not really doing a whole lot and let rob keep being out there on everyone's radar while i just say that no one talks to me so i can get more tea from them bc they think i'm in their back pocket. voting sam tonight.............i'm poppin' bottles! nah idrc about him leaving, he never talks to me and it's always like really forced when i go out of my way every fucking time to start a conversation with him. it's just really frustrating like i hate this tribe so much. social game says hello, freaks! i kinda hate having the idol because it's so much pressure to like play it at the right time and premerge is so delicate, especially with so many people and with me not really having a TIGHT alliance i just whew.

I think I'm going :( no ones socializing with me. Billy is just a cop out, says he doesn't want to throw out a name. Pssstt

My, my, my. What a LOVELY week this has been. So currently, our tribe is back at it again with dat council swag. I didn't do well in immunity, like I knew I would. However, if anyone can win, I'm very glad Miss Moana SNATCHED the title. Last tribal council, I flopped. I was inactive and that's unacceptable so this week I'm really pushing myself to be a deciding factor force like Ariana Grande deciding to snatch weaves when she breathes. With my reputation currently, I don't think people really assume that I even have it in me to be strategic. Little do THEY know...they are wrong. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAA. Now, Seamus has informed me that the vote is Shea. However, Seamus is a GOOBER. Shea and I have really become close and the fact that Seamus literally pms me to vote Shea BEFORE asking me how I am shows his inner Kesha: his True Colours. I don't really like the fact that Seamus is just treating me like a free vote because I know what his intention. I already can smell that he wants to drag me as a cute, innocent vote until he makes the merge with his best friends and takes me out. THAT'S going to be a no zone. Although that is the persona I'm going for, I feel like Seamus already has suuuuch a big plan for getting to the end and...I'm not a part of that. And if you're going to count me out, henny, count on getting to stepping. Or something exotic like that, tee hee~! I feel really nervous for Shea. I told her that Seamus was wanting to eliminate her and she immediately almost spoiled everything. She's an emotional player and that's the kind of I want to keep around. Those are the ones who never see through my fakeness and the kind that are targeted before good ol' sweetheart me. The only other option is Veronica so for this week, I'm going to try and flip a few people to do so. The last vote was so unified that it's quite scary actually...if things keep going the way they are, I have no doubt that eventually it'll be my log chopped by the axe. My advantage for this week's vote is that no one really has a reason NOT to trust me. With Veronica, they KNOW she's a scrappy player. And I believe I can use that to my advantage. Y'all don't know me, y'all don't know what I've been through! And NO ONE is going to believe that cutesy little Arianator weeabo is pulling strings. I learned from my past Tumblr competitions that playing aggressively gets out fast. I know now playing passively gets you treated like a child. Here...everything has to be subtle. Small little touches, here and there. And if you do enough of that, maybe the trickle of water can erode the rock. That's what I'm hoping to do here. If somehow, we can do the impossible, not only will I establish myself as a real C.O.M.P.E.T.I.T.O.R in this tribe, but I'll have pulled off a blindside that's really shocking and game changing. Maybe it's a bit too early to be calling shots...but I've got to do something. I think people already have caught on to the fact that something's afoot and the alarms are already blaring. I'm past the point of no return, so even if I wanted to, I can't allow myself to have regrets! I carry the name of a queen of BBCAN and a king of The Vampire Diaries. I'm here to slash throats, save my family and wear ugg boots. And hopefully...this is the start of something legendary~! Wish me luck, darlings! Certainly sincerely, Canada's Self-Proclaimed Favourite; Kelsey Mikaelson! <3

ALRIGHT...So I'm really hoping Shea goes this tribal cause like....He can't be chill for one second in this game.  Literally the plan was to get Veronica out but once he hears his name he quits? C'mon now.. Don't even get me started on Kelsey telling him his name was thrown out cause like!?!? We're doing that so no one gets in trouble here why are you doing this!?!? I just don't understand Kelsey like I really wanted to like her but...She's on thin ice at this point. I just hope this isn't a ploy and something goes wrong but I guess we'll see!

So like wtf is happening, cause I don't have a clue. I'm loyal to Emma and I guess maybe Rhea. Idk Rhea just talks to me sometimes but right now that is good enough for me. Right I'm just waiting for a tribe swap so we can stop going to tribal every round

#deeperdarkerdanger #confessionals

[worldofsurvivorcomoros-blog]

ROB’S JURY QUESTIONS

REGAN

You say it’s your first time making it here to final tribal council in a game that’s not a mini, if so, congrats. In the first merge vote, you were panicking, saying that you were being targeted and you were freaking out. I came up to you and told you, I do not want you to go cause I had liked you then and I did try to “save” you, but I had not heard your name from others and then I’m told that you were actually trying to throw me under the bus. Did you really throw my name? And if so, why? I was bothered by this as this was before what happened in Arendelle, even though I didn’t really do anything to you in Arendelle either. Please list ALL of your games and your rankings in them. People perceived you as a goat, so explain how you were able to achieve your max “goatential” if this was your plan all along. Describe how every jury member benefitted your game. POST ALL INDIA CONFESSIONALS XOXO

ANDREW

You barely talked to me in the game. The only time we talked was talking how we would finally get to talk as we both had spring break. We didn’t have a single conversation during spring break.. Then when we were trying to find out who visited Debbie at exile, it was Cochran, and you told me Boston Rob. You spent more time talking to me in a live challenge than in this game.

I’m curious to know why, from your side, I know I didn’t talk to you either, but why didn’t you try to talk to me? Did you felt comfortable with your alliance?

Please describe how every jury member benefitted your game. Also, in video format, please read the first three chapters of My Immortal without making any negative, including sarcastic, comments about it.

my placements- Pearl Islands (idk thjat game)- 12th or something. its back to basics Conquest: Faroe Islands- 7th Endure Palmyra- 12th RRN: The Lost City- 8th??? Survivor Supreme: Black Forest- 11th or 10th or something Survivor: halloweentown: 15th I wanna say WGE- Probably 77th place Survivor Jeju Island- Final 7 I wanna say at least Survivor 2017- 5th BBHell 1- 17th BBHell 6- At least 17th. Big Brother UK- never been nominated, top 10 Big Brother: nemesis- Last place Tumblr Survivor: Kiwayu- 15th Tumblr Survivor: Rebels and Rogues- 16th I never played Somalia Can You Survive 24- 24th Survivor Storybook: Agrabah- 7th Survivor Storybook: Arendelle- 11th Survivor: Pacific Islands- Malibu- 15th or something idk I stopped keeping track Survivor: pacific Islands- Rakirua- 14th Deception- 12th, Jury Survivor: ORG- Wikia-  I forget Back to Basics- Amazon: Idoled out 15th place. I WAS ROBBED.

Okay, so I was a goat. I think I could just easily exaggerate how much of a goat I was because I'm Regan, I showed people my jury speech from jacks skype survivor. And not only that  but people never took me seriously. Like people would rather let hell freeze over than vote me and I had to emphasise that because of my personality people don't want me to win. I just didn't hold back and I blew up whenever, so then people would just see me as annoying. I didn't hold back, I did screw over Karen. Like for so long even I felt like I was a goat until I took control and started to look back at how I actually played.

Shea- It defined allied lines. Chips- I think it showed that not everyone was being truthful and showed that I couldn't necessarily trust Karen and Andrew in the long run because they were not telling me the truth during that vote. They split the votes and it showed that since they didn't tell me, yet claimed to be my top 2 allies, that they only were in it for themselves and each other. they didn't care about me. So I knew moving forward that I could not trust them. So it helped me knowing that information Logan- It flipped the game, I felt like I was at the bottom until that vote. It flipped the game for me, I could play my own game once we took out enough people from the other side Rob/You- it helped me get the final ally out of the other side, before I actually started thinking about me. Drew was the other side, but this was just part of picking y'all off. We knew the other side (daisy, you. drew) didn't have idols at the time due to this vote and no one playing an idol, despite you all knowing you were screwed Drew- We took out the biggest threat. this helped me really align with Daisy and Veronica, it started that final 3. I finally begin to work with the other side. It was just impossible to work with the other side with him still there. Him and Luke were too tight. Karen- This vote defined my game, I have used this for a lot of my jury speech because this was my biggest move. it set our final 3 in stone. And moving forward put everyone else below me daisy and veronica on the bottom, come final 5. as us 3 were now running it. Luke- He was just an immunity threat and was winning this if he made it to the end. I felt like it gave everyone a better shot at winning Daisy- I had zero shot at winning against her, like I think it made veronica trust me more, and made my chance at getting to the final 2 greater, as I was going whether Andrew or Veronica won. This was another move I took a big part in, because I could've easily tied it, but I didn't want to screw over my closest ally. I could bring to the final tribal council that I was completely loyal to my one f2. And that I was completely loyal to both daisy and Veronica. Veronica- This was not my decision, and if it was she would be here. But that being said, she was so likeable I felt like I would have a very little chance against her now hearing others speeches.

I feel like the reason I didn’t talk to you much was honestly a falter in my social game where I didn’t know how much I could trust you. And it wasn’t that I had this immense distrust for you, it was that I had good separate relationships with Karen, Veronica, Daisy, and Regan as well as a connection to Drew and Luke. At that point, if I had loyalty to everyone then that would just be a way bigger mess than what was already potentially happening. Of course I could have made the effort to talk more in game, because I did think you were cool talking outside the game. And I’m not gonna give a rant about “communication is a 2 way street” because at the end of the day, I’m at final tribal council and something like this should be on me in terms of reasons why or why not to vote me. So I do apologize for the lack of communication. It was nothing personal, just a hole in my social game that I wish I didn’t dig. And I hope we get to talk more after this game and maybe play together again where we can talk more!

Shea - I feel like while Shea and I didn’t end up working together, they were someone who I was really set up to a little bit later on. I voted to save them that night, and they ended up going home. However, at the same time this vote out showed where certain loyalties were lying at the beginning of this merge because there was such a split vote.

Chris - Someone I was very closely aligned with. They were someone I had a lot of trust in, and they were someone who made me feel strong in my social connections. Unfortunately, Chris was voted out too early for me to really do damage with him.

Logan - I definitely should have talked to Logan a lot more, and I regrettably never got to align with him. However, one thing that was a good takeaway before they were eliminated was information  they gave to Karen (who gave it to me right after) that Daisy, Rob, and himself were not as tight as everyone perceived. This showed cracks, and really showed that Daisy was going to be alone in this game. This proved to me that Daisy wasn’t going to have many numbers after the Sapphire Idol play, and let it be known to me that I was individually going to need to get Daisy back on my side again and get them to trust me again.

Rob - You were another indicator of how it was shown how Daisy didn’t have the numbers that I thought she had, especially after the Sapphire Idol play. This only further drove it home to me that I was going to have to get closer to Daisy through this merge and get the trust between us strong again so that we could work where we could moving forward.

Drew - Someone who gave me insight on some of the going ons in the game that I didn’t know about. Him and Luke were both working with Daisy and Logan (to my given knowledge) at some points and I was seeing where Drew and Luke stood. They seemed more in the middle and it was kind of showing that this really was a game where I didn’t want to see Drew get close to the end. He also was not very subtle (sorry Drew) with the fact that he got the idol. Then again, maybe it wasn’t entirely his fault as it was more so the faults of others.

Karen - Whew Karen was my ride or die this game. She was my closest ally and someone I got to work through strategy with with the knowledge that I could trust her with the information we exchanged. She was the person I trusted the most, and had the most loyalty in. She really made me feel secure when we would work together, and I think we made a pretty awesome duo.

Luke - To go back to the Drew idol situation, Luke was someone who was a big confirmer that yeah, Drew had it. But even bigger than that was that fact that Luke flipped on Drew. Getting Luke on our side to take out the player who he was assumed to be so close to was very important for my game, as we not only took out a huge threat with the help of Luke but also the idol that everyone had been dreading about all game. It is also important to note that similar to Chris, he made me feel secure in my pre-merge loyalties.

Daisy - I was with Daisy from the very beginning of this game. She, like Chris and Luke was again another person who made me feel secure in my loyalties pre-merge. When we got to merge, we found that we were both on a bit different sides. However, Daisy ended up being a benefit when she was shown to be pretty alone in the game. I would always talk with her after each individual immunity about how she would be safe, and then there would be some planning from there. Of course we weren’t always on the same page, but it was the loose on again off again connection that we had that would aid me in the votes, especially the complicated split votes.

Veronica - Another one of my closest allies in this game. Veronica and I were also close from the beginning. We were super excited to play together, and I knew I could count on her for a number for the majority of the merge. When Karen and I aligned with her in our chat, she was a big number to have when orchestrating the split votes. Also, on a somewhat more personal level, as we neared the end game she was good at making me feel more comfortable about Regan and Daisy in terms of saying how she wouldn’t let me get voted out had I lost immunity. She was also big in leaking important information from the alliance of herself, Regan, and Daisy much before Regan or Daisy even told me that was a thing.

https://youtu.be/bCYwQPiatRE

#woscomoros #final tribal council