#would change him a fucking lot in hindsight with the way he thinks and reacts and such
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/ Since I mention in my pinned post that this blog has some changes from canon, I'm going to make a rundown post that I'll be linking in my muse info on my blog. My timeline post covers some of this too and has other things canon to my muse that aren't here because they're timeline based and not direct changes based. I'll update this as needed.
Repede had another owner before Yuri got him in the game. I'm combining this with FS. Thus, Repede would have been basically an infant when he and Lambert ended up with the knights. From there he took to Yuri as he did in the FS drama CD so Yuri was primarily in charge of Repede during his stay with the knights, but he and Flynn raised Repede together as is in line with the game. This means they continued raising him together even after Yuri left.
In the JP version of the game, Yuri says he was with the knights for a short time but doesn't specify how long that time was, so I'm completely yeeting the "three months" dub aspect from this blog. I can't reasonably assume he signed up, took the exams, went into training, went from errand boy to battle status, then went on normal missions and left in the span of three months. So as usual, we're following the JP timeline. Generally anything the dub makes up or actively changes from the original context/tone gets yeeted here.
In the FS drama CD, Flynn is extremely repetitive about Yuri quitting the knights and with his nagging. At least with @mistralxsoul and anyone else who prefers it the following way in threads with my muse, we're toning it down because it just feels absolutely batshit to us how bad it is in the drama CD (it's worse than even the movie itself).
Since the timeline for Yuri and Flynn's knighthood conflicts super horrendously between the novel, FS/FS drama CD and the game, I'm mixing all of it together (primarily because I consider the novel more canon than the FS drama CD). Basically (for my muse), they signed their names and didn't take the exams immediately, but when they eventually did it was at least a couple years later, due to Yuri still having his teen appearance when he signed his name to join in the novel. This is because otherwise, if I average my muse's teen age out to be fifteen/sixteen and his age to be about eighteen/nineteen in the knights, it would mean he'd been with the knights (including training, etc) anywhere from 2-4 years if his sign up was immediately after the novel's events. If they were to sign up and join immediately after the novel timeline, it also makes even less sense because Flynn's attitude in FS and his relationship with Yuri (and remember, the FS drama CD comes before the movie's timeline and Flynn was even worse about Yuri's attitude in the CD) would seem like it literally 180'd overnight.
So basically, to avoid all this insanity, a short summarized timeline for my muse would be: they signed up but didn't join right away, Flynn moved away and was gone for a couple years or so after the events of the novel, both of them changed in personality/behavior drastically in that time, they met up at the exams, they went into training, they got sent to Niren's squad, they were more errand boys than actual knights when they were still super fresh newbies and Yuri was extremely annoyed with that, they were actual knights for a while (I'm going to say Yuri was a knight for at least six months or more, especially if I consider the trajectory of Flynn's behavior toward him in the drama CD through the end of FS), the events of FS were not one straight timeline and things happened between the days etc etc, then Yuri left.
Following the game's drama CDs, Yuri hesitated a lot more when Flynn was injured at Zaude. If not for Flynn nudging him to go after Alexei even while wounded, Yuri wouldn't have left him there.
Following the same drama CDs, it's Raven and Repede who find and look after Yuri when he wakes up after Zaude. That is to say, Repede was already with Raven and lunged when he sniffed out Yuri in his room (super doggo powers). Raven followed Repede in a panic, who ran to Yuri's room upon realizing Yuri was there, and Raven finds Yuri awake but right in the middle of passing back out (the sound is basically Raven's voice being distant with some ringing, so it's from Yuri's point of view that Raven is trying to get him to steady himself but he passes back out). Raven takes care of him from there until he's recovered properly enough to go back. In this time, Rita did investigating and eventually, with the others minus Raven, went to Zopheir after deciding they couldn't dawdle and just wait in their grief. While they're there, Yuri and Raven have headed out after them and show up together and reunite with the rest of the group. Raven has already been updated on what Yuri knows from Duke at this point (Duke saved him as usual, but the drama CD changes come in after that), so the two of them update everyone else.
In the game, there's a skit with Yuri, Flynn and Karol where Yuri mentions "playing in a river", but in the novel, they were actually getting water at the river and the other kids were playing in the river when they got attacked by a monster, fell into the river (Yuri also mentions (I thiiiink in another unrelated skit) that just falling into "a river" was enough to panic him), and Flynn grabbed onto a merman. For my muse, I'm just going with Yuri simplifying the situation to Karol while keeping the novel's event as my muse's canon.
#{ muse info + headcanons }#/ a lot of the timeline post itself is also for me and not y'all LOL but like. if you need to know#differences in interaction with me this stuff is good to know at least bc I don't strictly follow the game canon#I follow a mix of official content and obviously some of it overlaps and retcons other things#as for the dub if you've been here long enough y'all know I hold a huge ass grudge against#how much it changes Yuri's behavior/personality and his attitude toward Flynn#but the three months thing just does not feel reasonable to me on top of the dub just making it up#and it helps SO much to have that free time period for writing#even if we assume he wasn't counting the training to officially join the knights in the dub#three months is... way too short imo and then if I combine the FS drama CD with that#it makes even less sense bc the girls tried to get Yuri to stay when he did actually almost quit#on top of the whole not rly doing knightly things for a while at first#and yeahhhh it's just a fucking MESS to try to cram everything with all this content into three months#also like since I LOOOOVE the teen arc of the novel and that's My Fucking Baby Boy#I don't want to actually change anything from it so I'm just mixing everything together to keep it all#it's like... I love all the official Yuri content and so I want to keep as much of it together as possible#but since it's not always the same people working on the content or bc there's such a time gap between content#things aren't always consistent and when it comes to writing a muse I just. NEED timeline consistency#even if I have to make it myself LMAO. I try to keep as much of the game stuff together as possible#since I know most ppl interacting with me only know the game and possibly the movie#and not all the drama CDs and all the various JP exclusive content#but it's hard to keep it together perfectly when there's so much other content I'm using that has formed my muse#like... my muse exists the way he is bc of all this content you know? and only using the game#would change him a fucking lot in hindsight with the way he thinks and reacts and such#like... there's no fucking way he's not traumatized after the events of the novel in the teen arc there's NO fucking way#it was bad enough that it nearly pushed him to murder when he was a teenager#and he might have actually done it if his foster mother didn't stop him (and end up doing it herself)#so yeah I mean... I do my best to keep him within game context with most people I interact with#but the more you interact with this boy the deeper you're gonna get into muse specific lore lol
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Drown In You
♥ ♥ Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader
Summary: In the shower with Joe, words get spoken that hold nothing back. This is the cut scene, the one entirely jumped over, from part 5 of Reinvent Love, remastered in full HD for your enjoyment. Full smut, little plot (although, read Reinvent Love because it'll help)!
CW / disclaimer: 18+, smut, language, rpf, fem!reader, reader has hair that needs to be brushed after showering
Author’s note: okay so the horny bitches in my inbox have let themselves be heard, and who am i to tell you no? here you go my cumcum twats, enjoy!
Wordcount: 3.2K
“I’ll wait.”
Old hair product mixed with sweat ran into your eyes as the shower stream hit you right over the head and… wait. What? You didn’t think you heard that right.
Joe was holding you, because you’d let the surface crack. You didn’t know if it was his repeated asking for you to talk to him, or if it was how he kept looking at you. But you’d cracked, and you’d seen Joe’s eyes flare for just a second, like what he’d been asking for actually didn’t turn out to be what he wanted. Immediate regret punched him right in the stomach when you showed the smallest bit of emotion.
Joe worried about you.
Worried he was pushing you further away whilst he was trying to keep you close.
Worried he had made mistakes too big to rectify.
Worried you were never going to tell him how you actually felt and he’d just have to go off body language, which, you’d been doing that and it had been fine, but some situations called for explanations.
Like this one.
He just thought you’d get angry with him. Not that you’d cry. In hindsight, he didn’t fully understand why that hadn’t been the expectation, though. You always felt with your whole body. Heavy emotion and tears always found you fast.
So he’d curled his arms around you then, and it took you a good while to control the spasms inside of your chest. You weren’t technically crying, you didn’t think, but if Joe was going to press you to talk one more time, you’d burst right into sobs.
And then he said, “I’ll wait.”
That made you look up at him, forcing him to slide one of his arms from around your head.
“I’ll wait for you. I can be patient.”
So you had heard him right.
The line in between your eyebrows grew deeper as you frowned at him, because what the fuck did he mean he was going to wait? And, in addition, what the fuck did he mean he could be patient?
Joe had just followed you around the flat trying to provoke you into arguing – that’s essentially what he’d been trying to do. Bold of him to claim he could be patient.
You were in the shower together and you knew Joe was just trying to say nice things by ways of comforting you, probably. You hoped that was what was going on. But he was getting it so wrong.
“But…” you started, trying to both make sense of what Joe meant whilst simultaneously thinking of how to tell him he was dead wrong. “I’m right here.”
And you had been.
Joe was the one that left.
You remembered Joe telling you, “Yea, you’re not going anywhere.” in a tender moment when you were trying your best to comfort him for a change, and you’d reacted the same then. Of course you weren’t going to go anywhere. You were there.
Always there.
“I’m right here.”
Joe blinked a couple of times, and looked a little lost, face blank and unassuming.
“I’m right– Joe, what do you mean, you’ll wait? Have we not been– is this not what we’ve been…”
Doing?
You couldn’t finish the sentence and furrowed your brow at how words seemed to escape you, all earlier bravery gone, because it sounded a lot like a big confession that you’d not vocalized before, and what if you were wrong?
What if Joe was going to tell you that, actually, no, what you were saying was not what you had been doing at all, you stupid bitch.
He wouldn’t say that.
But that’s what it would feel like if you were wrong.
Your brain was swimming, thinking thoughts and trying to draw conclusions where there weren’t any to be drawn when suddenly, it all clicked into place for Joe.
He was such an idiot.
Before you knew what was happening, Joe had you shrieking. He’d bent at the knees, got both arms around your waist and picked you up. It was a cute celebratory thing, because whatever you’d said had been all Joe had wanted to hear for weeks. But it was also really fucking terrifying, because you were in a wet slippery bath and you both had wet slippery bodies and the only way Joe was centering his gravity was by his face that was smushed against your chest and this was exactly how sometimes people got bad concussions.
“Joe–” you squeaked from your throat, and you were about to swear at him. Tell him to put you down. That he was a fucking idiot. That he was stupid and that this was dangerous, despite the smile that was already playing at your face.
But then before you could get any of that out, Joe let you slip down and kissed you hard, right on the mouth. Your back bent away from him and had you disappear into the shower stream, but Joe just followed, hands squeezing your sides and his lips roughly pressed to yours, not willing to break contact.
You tried wrapping your head around how you got from trying your best not to cry to being kissed in the way that you were, already feeling drunk on the giggles you were swallowing, and it felt a little ridiculous.
And then Joe spoke through his kisses and said words you didn’t think you would ever accept from him.
“I love you.”
But actually, it was fine.
You were surprised how easily joy bubbled up from deep inside your gut at hearing him mumble his confession. You couldn’t help the smile that pulled at the corners of your mouth, but Joe kept his mouth right there.
“Joe,” you pushed him at the shoulders, and instead of moving away, Joe decided to move closer, feet squeaking against white acrylic. You got cornered until your back touched the tiles and you laughed as you turned your head to break the kiss.
Joe just followed, curled around and got you from the side and, “Joe!” you giggled, because there was water streaming straight into your face, and you knocked one of the shampoo bottles down into the bath, and Joe kept hogging your mouth and you needed that to breathe and– oh.
Joe was hard.
You felt it against your hip and Joe felt how it startled you slightly.
“No, I’m sorry. Ignore that,” you could hear how there was laughter stuck inside of his voice too, but there was something urgent there too.
“I love you. Did you hear me?” he bent to make eye contact, got your chin into his hand to force it. “I love you. I said I love–”
“I love you too.”
The wet words slipped out before your brain could even catch up to it, voice way softer than Joe’s, but you didn’t mean the words any less.
Somehow it was an easy thing to say. It helped that Joe said it first, so you were just parroting which didn’t feel half as embarrassing as you imagined it could have been.
Your words stilled Joe’s whole body, just for a moment, completely frozen, and then he groaned with both eyes squeezed shut and let his head fall, face first into your shoulder.
You grinned when you looked down and saw the direct effect of what you’d said.
Made you want to say it again.
“I love you too,” you made it sound extra breathy that time, not even sure if Joe would be able to hear it over the shower water clattering into the bath, but you could tell he caught the words fine from the way Joe’s knees gave out for a split second, dick jumping and already leaking.
You loved Joe.
“Hey, I love you. Did you hear me? I said I lovemmpf–” Joe got a hand over your mouth just for the sheer agony of what it was doing to him. You took your shot and bit right into his fingers as you smiled.
“Stop it, you’ve got to– you can’t–”
Joe didn’t get the chance to finish the sentence. You got him back in the best way; with wet kisses and with scraping teeth. With hands in his hair that you used to push him right against your face. With a leg that hiked itself up until your knee touched his hip, prompting Joe to get his hands under your ass, lifting you up and pushing you against the wall in an attempt to slip inside.
But all of it was too slippery.
Too wet.
And you were laughing too much to make it work.
So you kissed, with both feet sort of steady in the bath and let your hands touch bits of Joe that made him flinch.
You were sharing your first shower together, and it felt sort of momentous.
“I love you,” Joe said again like they were the only words he knew how to use now, dragging his lips down your throat, pressing kisses to your chest.
“I love you, too,” you replied, biting your teeth into your bottom lip whilst working both hands on him, using one underneath and making Joe gasp.
Joe kept trailing down more until he kneeled and you lost your grip on him. Without warning he pressed his whole face into you, and both your hands found his shoulders as you worriedly tried pushing him back.
“No, Joe,” you pushed until you could look him in the eye. “Stop, baby, you’ll drown.”
Baby.
Joe looked up at you and quirked his eyebrows as he smirked, both because you’d never called him baby before and because of the double entendre.
You meant that Joe could drown because you were in the shower and if his mouth was busy, surely he would end up inhaling the water that ran down your body until he’d fucking choke.
Joe, however, took it to mean something else.
And he wasn’t exactly wrong, either.
“I mean…” he started, making eye-contact with what was right in front of him. Pretty. Glistening. Dripping. Joe was about to say some stupid shit aloud, was about to say that he loved her, maybe even just as much as he loved you, because, Jesus Christ, he really fucking did.
“I’ll happily drown in you.” he got a small kiss in where he wanted to so desperately kiss you, but then you laughed and said, “No. No drowning today.” as you sunk down to your own knees, joining him sat down in the tub.
Joe easily accepted you, hands finding yours to help you down safely, happy to oblige and move to where you wanted him to be, which was sat on his arse where the water hit him overhead.
With his eyes barely open, he grinned widely as you moved to sit on his lap, one knee either side of him, arms slung around his neck. It was a tight fit and skin squeaked against the side of the tub. Joe thought that surely this couldn’t actually be nicer than him getting mouth on you, but, sure.
Your pace, remember?
Your lead.
“I love you,” you mouthed as you went in for open-mouthed kisses which Joe happily accepted, pulling you into him hard, trapping himself in between the two of you and starting quick little tilts of his hips. You helped by finding a rhythm of your own, rubbing over him and holding Joe as close as you could to add pressure where he was so clearly looking for it.
“I love you,” Joe breathed in reply, and they were barely even words at this point. Just wet vowels falling from a gasping mouth that tried telling you how good this already felt, and that he wasn’t even inside yet.
Joe’s lips tinged just as shiny red as the tip of him, and you weren’t sure if you were working up a sweat more now than you had during your run, but you knew that this activity was much preferred over the other.
When you finally lifted up just slightly more and used your fingers to line Joe up to slip inside, you saw how droplets of water spat from his lips as he mouthed a desperate, “Please.”
Joe didn’t need to beg.
But it was lovely when he did.
Made you stall, just to hear him say it again. Have him ask extra nicely.
You felt how Joe’s grip on your hips strengthened, fingertips digging deeper into your flesh.
“Please, please. Baby, please, can you–”
You sunk down onto him, making him disappear inside of you entirely. The loud moan that escaped you surprised Joe enough to move a panicked hand up to cover your mouth.
That just made you whine louder.
“Shh– shhh–,” Joe trembled through shushes, trying for eye-contact, “You can’t– you... you gotta be quiet. You...” Joe faltered, hand moving to hold you by the side of the face, fingers disappearing into wet strands that were then used to pull you in closer to kiss.
God, he fucking loved you so much.
Could you feel it? Could you feel how anguished he felt that he only had two hands to touch you with? Could you feel how feverish and lightheaded you made him feel? Could you feel how there was a deep craving inside of him that only you could satisfy for him?
He wanted you to feel it.
Feel his love.
Joe wanted you to feel how much he loved you, so he used his mouth where he could, and used his hands where he could, and he imagined how the water running down the two of you was getting rid of all the bullshit.
You were being cleansed of all the bad until there’d be only good left.
You were having sex in the bath until it’d be nothing but just love there.
You rode Joe in the bath until your knees starting hurting too much. Until the water than ran down both your faces became too annoying. Until your hands knocked all the other bottles of shampoo and conditioner into the bath behind Joe. Until Joe got too freaked out that he couldn’t shut you up, and wasn’t that an insane contrast to whatever he had been trying to do the night before?
You hadn’t minded Joe trying to get you to be loud.
But Joe trying to get you to stay quiet was infinitely better.
It made you want to be bratty about it. Be loud on purpose. Get those eyes to flare and bulge, wet lips shushing you, but otherwise doing nothing else to stop you from feeling good. Because ultimately, that’s all Joe wanted; for him to be the one to make you feel good.
When Joe came, he made a sticky mess of the side of the bath.
When you came, you made a sticky mess of Joe’s fingers.
You kissed for a while after then, stood up out of the direct surge of water, and you loved this. Loved kissing Joe as your brain slowly found its way back to reality. It was all soft touches and slow movements and a terrible waste of water, but you fucking loved it.
When you thought Joe reached behind to finally turn the shower off, you found he instead reached for a bottle of shampoo.
“Turn around.”
Joe made sure you felt it.
Felt how fucking loved you were.
Massaged your scalp with love in his finger tips.
Rinsed your hair out with love in his palm.
Towel dried you after with love in his arms.
You had never felt this taken care of before, and when Joe reached for your hairbrush, he was surprised to turn back and find two wet shimmering eyes staring back at him in the large still slightly fogged-up mirror.
“Hey,” he curled an arm around your front and you let a wet chuckle escape you. “You okay? What’s going on with you right now?”
You shrugged and felt silly as you looked at each other via the mirror. Joe pressed a kiss against your ear, and you managed to squeak out, “I don’t know, just love you, I guess.”
That made Joe push his forehead to the side of your skull as he bit his lips into his mouth.
“Oh no,” he softly said, wincing slightly before you could see him smile. The effect of those words hadn’t just gone and changed within the last hour, so it seemed.
“I love y–” you were cut off by a louder groan as Joe bent down, hinging at his hips, pushing his head into your ribs and you couldn’t help but laugh as you let your arm scratch up and down his back.
“Maybe,” Joe breathed, eyes squeezed shut for a second in a bid to recompose himself. “Maybe don’t use those words for right now.”
“Got it.” you nodded. “No talking.”
That made Joe turn his head enough to see you smile in the mirror. Joe hadn’t just spent all morning to make you talk only for you to
“All right, no. That’s not what I said, I–” Joe moved to stand up straight again, and you saw your chance to make him double over again.
“I love you.”
“You– hnngg,” Joe had to turn and lean both elbows on the sink, head dropped down, having real trouble finding his breath.
“Tell you what,” you started, smile unable to be swiped from your face, and you grabbed Joe by his shoulders. “I’ll go make breakfast. Throw that pizza into the oven. We’ll have it on the sofa and then you can brush my hair after, all right?” you pressed a small kiss to his shoulder blade and wanted to say it again, just for fun, but decided you’d probably tortured him enough.
You tapped a shoulder to which Joe hummed and then went to leave the bathroom, turning around and unlocking the door.
“Hey,” Joe stopped you just before you walked out, and you looked over a shoulder to make eye contact with him in the mirror once again.
“Love you.” Joe’s constricted voice squeezed out, just because he couldn’t have you tell him three times and not say it back.
You smiled and used a hand to pretend to lock your lips up, making a breathy laugh escape Joe before he let his forehead drop into the crook of his elbow.
Loved you.
Joe loved you and he loved that you loved him. He just needed a minute.
You loved him.
That needed more than a second to acclimate to.
Your love.
He would so happily drown in it, you had no idea.
Perhaps, he should take the lead for just a little while. Make sure he was actually going to survive this.
His lead.
His time, maybe.
His pace, definitely.
But your love.
Always your love.
the end
---
The Taglisted
@ali-in-w0nderland, @alwayslindie, @babybluebex, @capricornrisingsstuff, @chaoticgood-munson,
@choke-me-eddie, @demonsanddemogorgons, @did-it-work, @dirtyeddietini, @djoseph-quinn,
@dolcevit4, @eddies-puppet, @emma-munson, @emotionaldreamer, @everythinghasafacee,
@figmentofquinn, @ghost-proofbaby, @ghostinthebackofyourhead, @hanahkatexo, @harringtonfan4,
@hazelenys, @jewellethief, @joesquinns, @keikoraven, @kennedy-brooke,
@lovelyblueness, @manda-panda-monium, @mandyjo8719, @mexicanfolklore, @munsonluvrr,
@munson-mjstan, @nadixq, @nglharry, @notverywise, @pepperstories,
@phyllosilicate-s, @royale1803, @sherrylyn0628, @sidthedollface2, @solzi1420,
@songforeddiemunson, @sweetberry47, @take-everything-you-can, @thebellenouvelle, @tlclick73,
@werepartnersnow, @winterwakesthewolf, @witchwolflea, @yelyahcardella, @yunirgo
taglist currently full, sorry
#joseph quinn#joe quinn#joseph quinn x you#joe quinn x you#joseph quinn x reader#joe quinn x reader#joe quinn fanfic#joe quinn fanfiction#joseph quinn fanfic#joseph quinn fanfiction#reinvent love#define close#explain us#drown in you
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i think i remember you saying the science team would rewatch the videos together( like the cast commentaries,) and i was curious to see if you would talk a bit about that? like… how they reacted to certain things and scenes, if or how they talked it out, stuff like that… i’ve been wanting to ask this for sooooo long but just now got the confidence to, i love this verse sooooo much !!! its been living rent free in my head ever since i first read the series… its the only way i can think of post-canon i love it so much… ok thats all i hope you have a good day !!!
First I gotta say Thank You and I'm making my first official rent payment for the real estate in here. It has always been the goal to inspire people to think about the team like this and I am SO grateful for every ask sent and conversation had. But YES let's talk about watching
Gordon gave the team the option to watch the VODs and edits on their own, but was convinced to make it a group activity by his friends. This ended up being to precursor to their regular movie nights-- everybody met up in Tommy's basement to watch the edits together over a couple days. (Nobody wanted the emotional whiplash of going into Act 3 unprepared.)
One of the key things that everyone has a reaction to is what fonts and text colors Gordon chose for them.
Benrey likes his text color well enough, but would have preferred purple. He also thinks his font could have been something way cooler. He also thinks it's weird that he and Forzen have the same font, and accuses Gordon of being lazy.
Tommy tells Gordon that he likes his font and color, but it's hard to tell how he really feels. He does say that while his favorite color is actually red, he knows that can be a bit harder to read against a dark background.
Bubby is insulted that he was given Times New Roman, legendary as a default font, but changes his tune when told it's actually Sylfaen. Entirely different! With this, he and Coomer are both satisfied with their captions. In fact, their fonts are in their favorite colors... sort of. Coomer actually prefers cyan, while Bubby likes green.
Gordon actually got Darnold's favorite color dead on. He's started using his typeface, Terminal Grotesque, on most documents and correspondence. He hasn't verbally acknowledged this, but Gordon's noticed. It makes him smile.
G-Man thinks his font is very practical. That's all he's said on the matter.
Other Notable Reactions
Bubby had completely forgotten that Gordon didn't believe him about his name. Upon being reminded, he went "Wait, hang on, hang on. What the fuck, Gordon? Who DOES that?" (Darnold felt validated by this.)
Coomer laughs uproariously at his own jokes and slips of the tongue.
"So Tommy. Benrey said you like mean people, do you... do you have any idea what he meant by that?" "Oh! Well, you know." He failed to elaborate.
The screen going black during the ambush came as a surprise to the team. Everyone remembers actually seeing the events play out, though in hindsight, Coomer questions his own memory. There's a lot about that whole stretch of time that he has questions about, but he knows they can't be answered.
Bubby goes out of his way to point out situations where he was playing a trick or just straight-up lying to his friends. Part of it is for full disclosure, part is to brag about what a funny guy he is.
Gordon is uncomfortable with clips where he is condescending to or impatient with the science team. Benrey tries to diffuse his anxieties by pointing them out directly and highlighting all of his insecurities. He's a great friend. He tries his best.
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If you wanna compare Caroline and Liv's romances with Tyler, I feel like it should matter how they ended.
Caroline chose to help Tyler through his first Full Moon and it ended with her choosing to betray him by sleeping with Klaus (not to mention the disrespect to the dead)
Liv saved Tyler from triggering his werewolf curse a second time and the relationship ended because of Liv trying to get vengeance for her brother Luke by trying to kill Kai.
Tyler forgave both, but Liv last act was choosing to give her life to save him one last time.
I felt that Caroline was his first love, but Liv's last act was putting Tyler first.
(I could have said it was hypocritical that Tyler tried to stop her from killing Kai as Caroline tried to stop him from going after Klaus, but I don't because that's the point: Tyler has been in Olivia's place and - for a minute - Tyler understood how Caroline could ask him to choose her over vengeance. But the endgame is Tyler learning from the past and not wanting to see a loved one repeat it.)
It does matter, but I wasn't comparing the romances as a whole, just a very specific part of them. Among other things, I haven't reached either break-up in my rewatch, and I'm reacting to what I've seen and trying not to get ahead of myself, in case my perspective on something has changed with hindsight.
If I was to compare them as a whole, I'd say that at the core of it, was that one was a relationship where Tyler loved more than he was loved (Caroline), and the other one where Tyler was loved more than he loved (Liv). That accounts for... everything.
I do agree that in certain ways Tyler was in "Caroline's" position when it came to Liv. The above is part of it: Tyler responded to Caroline-the-person, while with Liv, he responded to what Liv did for him (I'd say something similar regarding Stefan-Caroline-Tyler, for example. Or Stefan-Elena-Damon). Not cynically, not consciously, but because in each situation they were at a low point where that boost of self-esteem, being the recipient of such genuine devotion, meant a lot to them.
You seem to have a more generous view of Tyler dropping Liv than I did, though. Again, I don't want to get ahead of myself before reaching that point, but I've always lumped that action with "things the Tyler I loved WOULD NOT have done", before his regression in season five. We'll see what I think about it this time around.
I'm also side-eyeing your wording when it comes to Klaroline, tbh. First, I feel you're glossing over certain consent issues in that scene –just because it ended up benefiting her narrative immensely (which is what I care about most at the end of the day), or because she reframed what happened for her own peace of mind, doesn't mean they weren't there.
Second, you're making it sound as if Caroline did it vindictively or to hurt Tyler and I just... don't think she thought of Tyler at all. Which, from a Tyler-centric perspective, it's very easy to argue that's worse!
I'm not touching the "disrespecting the dead" bit because. I mean. My own morals would stop me from fucking just about anybody in the show AND it's something that does make me look down on everyone that sleeps with certain characters, so I get it (and it might be hypocritical on my part, but well, Caroline IS my favourite and I'm fine with that LOL). But at this point, in this 'verse... nobody would fuck anybody if they started thinking like that xDD
#deafchild2000#thanks for the ask. it was interesting to get into all this#talking to the void#stackediaries#plecverse#the vampire diaries#my thoughts#plecverse thoughts#forwood#tyliv#tyler lockwood#liv parker#caroline forbes
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Three headcanons that have been sitting in my head this week:
I think Yugiri would be familiar with and enjoy bonito flakes (Katsuobushi) and other dried fish / fish dishes since in Sui-no-Sato we do see fisherman and fish dry racks as one primary source of food in public; so because of this she goes to eat some she’s gotten her hands on and it draws Vaste’s attention because he’s never seen it before. She lets him try some of course, and he goes insane, instantly one of the foods ever for him.
They start splitting it together whenever its around but may or may not sometimes take more than they should if they feel greedy. Fast forward to them as parents and the kids want to try some so again Yugiri lets them try it, half out of curiosity to see how crazy they’ll react. If she thought Vaste got crazy then all three kids go out of their fucking minds. They so much as smell it or hear the packaging unwrap and they come running balls to the wall or bribing their way into a share. All you hear is one yelling something like “MA GOT THE KATSUOBUSHI!!” and all hell breaks loose. Yugiri uses this knowledge for other things (like bribing them back) as she should.
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As I’ve mentioned they stopped thinking of more kids after the twins because of how disastrous their birth was. First off they were born two weeks early, which normally is fine since it scrapes the limits before being premature, but it turned out to be one of those rare bad cases. Yugiri bled a lot, was weakened faster etc. It was to the point she told Vaste if she should die then she wanted her to keep going, look after the kids, that she trusted her to bury Yugiri properly and so on very bluntly. They both got flashbacks to when Shiina died and what it was like watching her fade and her own last wishes on top of how it changed Gan.
Whenever Yugiri got too cold Vaste had no problem keeping her warm laying beside her, and Yoshino imitated her dad because even though she couldn’t fully understand or articulate it she still felt how grave it was. Whenever she needed care they both were there within reason, Vaste gave her simple things to do and didn’t have her around all the time to keep her from worrying. As an adult if you asked her she would say it was one of the scariest times of her life, and one of a handful of times she’d ever seen her dad terrified and helpless.
She recognized that Vaste tried being strong for her but that makes it hurt anyway in hindsight; that memory would be something she carries approaching her own family later. People might think the whole family resent the boys even a little for nearly taking Yugiri’s life, but they don’t. Yoshino at most had an inkling of that feeling when they were newborns but her parents talked her through it. Yugiri doesn’t regret having her sons because they’re her children, but she doesn’t consider herself stupid enough to take risks like that again. Parenting is about valuing your children rather than pumping out endless kids. She’s thankful to have survived another brush with her familiar friend death and it affirms her grip on life one more time.
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All three kids now have light brown skin tones instead and some of U’odh’s subtle features; in real life the genes for melanin can skip generations or create new combinations depending on one’s immediate ancestors. I skipped giving Vaste dark skin from her father to avoid writing a hyper-violent and traumatized dark skin character; her children however are none of those things and will never mimic the evil things she’s done nor kill anyone. So I’ve decided the darker skin would pass to them instead.
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thoughts on volume 3 of real:
(deep breath) okay. normal again. anyway:
jaw just dropped like eight consecutive times. first of all HI BABYGIRL!!!
he's so pretty. anyway he didn't get a lot of page time in this volume actually. it does make sense that since we just had a Lot of focus on him that these next few chapters would have the focus on nomiya and takahashi. mostly takahashi because takahashi has the most going on. and good lord. takahashi.
but comments on nomiya plotline first because this dude has some wonderful internal conflict. he's trying to turn over a new leaf and change his life like he's seeing kiyoharu do but his biggest obstacle is that he just kind of sucks. but he's So Damn Close to working it out.
nomiya is much more emotionally intelligent than he thinks he is. he’s dumb as bricks in a lot of regards but he can recognize when he sees kiyoharu putting forth an effort to be Better and also recognize with himself his own shortcomings and desire to change. and he does have a degree of genuine Care for other people. even if what he does with that Care is a bit misplaced lol. he’s a good guy! it's just that his instinctive response when faced with any sort of problem is to punch it. he's working on it.
takahashi. just. hoooly shit a lot happened with him. we got his backstory (love me some family angst) and we got to see him in a position that isn't just flat in a hospital bed. granted. not for very long. and not always for the better. (see: sprawled facedown in the hospital parking lot after having crashed his wheelchair through a sliding glass door. oh boy). but i'm liking him more and more. he's a douchebag and he does NOT deserve fumika but with all the insight this volume gave on him it's easier to see why he acts the way he does.
NOMIYA AND TAKAHASHI REUNION SCENE. finally. and it went...in a way that surprised me as i was reading it but seems really obvious in hindsight. best kind of reaction to have to a story element i think. because of course nomiya would include "apologize to takahashi" on his list of things to do to become a better person.
thank god for this translation note
and of course the thing that brings them together if only for a second is bitching about their ex-teammates. and OF COURSE nomiya finds out that takahashi is paralyzed by...trying to beat him up. in his hospital bed. expected nothing less from him.
and of course nomiya reacts like this after he leaves, having told takahashi the exact thing he needs to hear in his situation. i'm just realizing as i'm typing this that the thing he tells takahashi is the thing he needs to unlearn about natsumi. maybe not the part about takahashi being a loser and maybe he can skip the physical violence but the fact that takahashi's life isn't over just because he can't walk. nomiya Already Knows The Answer but isn’t quite self aware enough to work out that his own life didn’t end with natsumi’s accident.
that seems to be the underlying theme to this manga. the fact that your life can change drastically but it's never over until you're dead. like you can see that clearly with kiyoharu and takahashi but it's also present in nomiya's plotline. can't believe i'm reading a manga that has literary elements for me to analyze. or. not really analyze because the message was pretty heavy-handed in this volume lol.
i'm not sure how i feel about nomiya's archetype. his schtick seems to be that he's too dumb to be ableist. i can't decide if i like that or not. it worked i think in the first volume when he met kiyoharu but in his scene with takahashi here. hm. maybe trying to engage in hand-to-hand combat with a guy who can't sit up independently isn't the best course of action. even if we were all waiting for takahashi to get some sense smacked into him lmao
god i cannot wait for takahashi to self-actualize. his character development has the potential to be really fucking satisfying and i hope it pays off.
and we did get a brief passing of the bechdel test, and some more characterization of the female characters. a few of them felt flat on their first entrances but the more page time they get the more real they feel. ESPECIALLY natsumi and fumika. all the characters in this series for that matter have agendas and goals. when they enter a scene it feels like they came From Somewhere, For A Reason instead of just showing up because the protagonists need them there.
side note i love that his shirt just says "god." ok king
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Heyy. Could you repost the fic where reader announces She s pregnant but gets scared that Peter will reject her so she breaks up with him? (I had requested part 2 of the 2 parts if I'm not wrong.) You don't have to ofc! Love you 💙💙
yep, i’ll post part two too!
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warnings: lol pregnancy, slight angst, cursing (characters are all 18+)
wc: 2k
There was a fine line between a lot of things, but being pregnant and not being pregnant was not one of those things. In hindsight, maybe Midtown should have told the students which condom brands were least effective, or maybe even May or Pepper. And just by luck, Y/N happened to have skipped her birth control pills for two days in a row, the two days she spent entirely with Peter. And now, though she didn't know it was inevitable, she was facing consequences she thought would come much later in life, if at all.
What would her parents say? How would Peter even react? Would she keep it? Would Peter support her either way?
She didn't want to find out the answers to any of the questions flying through her mind. In all honesty, she didn't want to ask the questions at all. Instead, she sat on the bathroom floor, leaning against the cabinets as she let tears slip in realization that this was going to change her life forever.
Wiping off a few last stray tears, she tucked the test into the back of the cabinet before getting up and leaving the bathroom, grabbing her purse and making her way to the front door.
"Y/N, honey? Are you alright?" Her mother asked right before she left. "You were in there an awful long time, hun."
"'m fine, mom, just thinking. I'll be back, probably gonna get more of my stuff."
Y/N was just in the middle of moving out and into her own apartment. She was corning her last year of college, and she figured it was best to slowly transition into her own life as an independent adult. As of right now, her apprenticeship wasn't the best she could get, so she was only moving into the Avengers tower with the rest of the team until she got the promotion her mentor promised her. Despite being an avenger, she didn't actually work for Tony or Bruce, and she didn't depend on them as much as Peter did. She was still close with all of them, though.
Walking through the double doors, she gave a small nod and smile to George, the man who stood on guard at the entrance of the tower. Making her way to the elevators, she pressed the button and debated on what she was going to say to Peter.
The living quarters of the tower were two main floors, but the central living center had the kitchen, so most Avengers stayed there until "curfew," as Tony had called it.
Making her way through the halls, she passed the kitchen, where Bucky, Sam, Steve, Wanda, and Natasha were located, talking and drinking what must've been one of Steve's old fashioned drinks.
"Hey, Y/N," they greeted her individually. In response, she only nodded, trying to get to Peter as fast as possible. Furrowed brows and wide eyes they were, shocked at how closed off she was being. It was only when she left the room that Wanda gasped, staring at the spot Y/N had just been on.
"What?" Nat said quickly, urgently. "What is it? What's wrong?"
Back in Peter's room, Y/N had just knocked, Peter granting her access and she stepped inside, clutching her purse close to her as her breathing quickened and her pulse increased.
"Hey, babe," Peter said, his back to her as he fiddled with something on the bookshelf.
"P- .. Peter, we need to talk."
At this, he spun around, glancing in her eyes to try and decipher what she was thinking and what she was about to say. What came next was not what he expected.
"Okay."
"We need to break up."
"W-what? Why? I though- I thought w-"
"We just need to break up- I'm breaking up with you," she rushed out.
"Baby, come on, let's talk about this. Tell me why. Did I do something? Did something happen? I can make it better, I can change- make things right, c'mon don't just-"
"Peter I'm breaking up with you," she said, her voice cracking as she finally allowed the tears to flood her eyes. Peter was full on crying as she turned around and left his room. Thirty seconds passed before he went sprinting out of the room after her.
Wanda and Natasha had called just about every Avenger into the compound's kitchen, and just in time to see Y/N leaving with tearful eyes and Peter chasing after her.
Wanda hadn't explained to anyone what she had read in Y/N's mind. Though they knew something was up, they weren't prepared to witness the action of the words (or thoughts).
"Y/N," Peter breathed out. "Y/N!" he said again, gripping her wrist to spin her around. "Why? Why the fuck would you just drop that? What happened to us?"
"Don't make this harder than it has to be, Parker."
"I'm not! I just want to know why the girl I'm in love with is leaving me so sudden! Don't you think I at least deserve to know why?"
A few more tears fell down her face before she exhaled. "I wish.. I wish I could tell you, Peter."
"Well why don't you?!"
"I- I can't."
"Did you stop loving me? Was that it? Did I do something?"
"I didn't stop loving you. I could never stop loving you-"
"Then why are you giving up on us?!" Peter exclaimed with defeat, both of his hands pulling at his hair before covering his face as he started crying again.
Y/N stepped forward, hesitantly about to reach out to console him before deciding against it and leaving altogether.
When she was gone, Wanda breathed loudly, Natasha doing the same.
"Peter.." Nat said, walking towards him slowly. "Are you... alright-?"
"She just- did it!" Peter whined out, abruptly cutting her off. Natasha rushed forward to catch him and he gripped her tight as he cried out to whichever god cursed him.
"We need to talk," Wanda whispered to Nat, before filing out and leaving the two alone.
***
"What the fuck was that about?" Sam exclaimed in the training room. The Avengers had resorted to the gym for some privacy, knowing neither Y/N nor Peter would come willingly unless they had scheduled training, which neither did.
"Seriously, though," Bucky replied. "They were doing so well, things were going so great-"
"Okay everyone just sit down!" Wanda exclaimed, pacing back and forth as Natasha stood next to her, rubbing her forehead in thought.
"Do you know why?" Steve asked after a moment.
When Wanda didn't vocalize her response, merely making guilty eye contact, the Avengers knew.
"Of course you know," Bruce said.
"Okay, what's this about?" Tony said, coming through the doors, a few minutes late.
"Y/N just broke up with Peter," Loki stated blandly.
"What the fuck?"
"I know, right?" Steve said, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and sympathy for the pair.
"And.." Tony glanced back and forth between Nat and Wanda and the rest of the crew. "Wanda knows?"
"Mhmm," Nat hummed.
"Well, wouldn-"
"Y/N is pregnant," Wanda blurted out.
The silence that overcame the group was deafening. Pure shock and surprise were overwhelming emotions as the heroes struggled to wrap their minds around the realization, the truth.
"Holy fuck," Sam whispered.
"That's why.. she broke up with Pete?" Bucky said.
"Mhmm," Wanda hummed back quickly. "I could feel the anxiety she had. I think she let it get the best of her. She was still in shock, still panicking. I don't think she's known for long."
"We have to do-"
"No, we don't do anything. Nobody says a thing, nobody does a thing," Natasha informed strictly. "I swear to fuck if any of you do something I will come for you myself. Let Wanda and me handle this. You all don't know the start about female anatomy."
"Yes, ma'am," Bucky replied, the others nodding in agreement.
***
About a week later, Y/N was walking into the training room. She saw Steve, Natasha, Peter, Tony, and Bucky standing around talking about something, and as much as she wanted to avoid him, she also knew that she had to attend training.
"Hey, Y/N/N," Tony greeted. "I'm making some schedule changes."
"Okay.." she said after a moment, putting her bag on the bench as she glanced at his clipboard before making eye contact again.
"Pete, you're in for four days a week, each a two hour session. You'll spar with Steve for two sessions, five mile runs with Nat, power training with Bucky and Sam, you know the drill."
"Y/N," he started, flipping a page. "I'm.. cutting your sessions to thirty minutes each. Only twice a week."
"What the fuck, why, Tony?" She asked.
"Yeah, that seems unreasonable and unfair. She gets less time and I get more?" Peter joined.
"Well, I just want to be cautious with the baby on the way and all that," Tony said nonchalantly.
Time seemed to freeze as the group went dead silent, all except for Peter.
"Baby? What baby? What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked, glancing between Tony and Y/N. "Y/N? Ar- are you- are you pregnant?"
She closed her eyes and exhaled, her hands clammy and sweaty as they were balled into fists.
"I'-I'm..."
"Is that why you broke up with me?" he said, his voice dropping to a whisper as the realization hit him. "You thought you'd leave me before I had the chance to do that do you?"
"I can't do this right now," Y/N breathed, rushing out of the room. Peter ran after her, and Natasha punched Tony in the arm once they had left.
"Y/N, Y/N!" Peter exclaimed, catching up to her and spinning her around. "Is it true?"
She closed her eyes before nodding again. When she opened her lids, her eyes were glossy and red, "Yeah."
"Were you ever going to tell me?" he whispered, voice cracking.
"I don't- I don't know, Peter! I was so afraid you were going to break up with me or leave me or that you were going to hate me if I didn't keep it or that my parents would disown me or some shit like that! I just did it first to avoid it all."
"Avoid it all?" Peter repeated. "I love you, Y/N," he stated, grabbing both of her hands. "A baby isn't going to change that, whether you keep it or you don't. It's your body, so it's your choice," he said, and her head rolled in disbelief as she sighed. "I love you," he stated again, tightening his grip on her hands. "And you're carrying my baby. Did you ever think I'd be happy?"
"Peter we're so young, basically fresh out of high school-"
"I know it's unplanned, Y/N, and that makes it so scary. But I would never abandon you like that."
"I really love you, Peter," Y/N huffed out, her tears beginning to free fall now.
"I know baby," Peter said while pulling her into his chest and embracing her for the first time in a week.
After a few moments, Y/N's breathing evened out and Peter spoke up. "Are... are you going to keep it?" he whispered, kissing the top of her head.
Her throat was sticky from crying, and after a few seconds, she answered. "I am."
Peter held her at arm's length to look at her, really look at her, and he kneeled down and kissed her stomach, voicing his excitement and feelings.
The Avengers, who were watching from the doorway of the training room, smiled in relief, a few of them wiping stray tears and rubbing their eyes to regain their composure.
"God they're growing up," Tony whispered.
"Not just yet," Pepper fired back, glancing at the pair before grinning herself, thankful they were in this together.
(part two is out)
#peter parker#peter parker x reader#peter parker x pregnant!reader#peter parker x you#peter parker x avenger!reader#peter parker fic#peter parker fluff#peter parker angst#peter parker fanfic#peter parker fanfiction#peter parker fluffy#peter parker imagine#peter parker oneshot#peter parker blurb#peter parker request#tom holland#tom holland oneshot#tom holland x you#peter parker x y/n#tom holland x reader#reader insert#spiderman#avengers#avengers!reader#spiderman x you#college!peter parker#college!peter parker x you
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yohan + physical tough + trauma response
disclaimer: this is based off of eps 1-7, and preview of ep 8; i wholeheartedly recognize that this post may become the worst meta ever depending on how the rest of the show goes. however, i do think there are still some interesting things to note about yohan. a lot of this is also me just talking shit out as i was sifting through all the eps again. i’m more than willing to change my mind or hear other thoughts.
also i kinda, sorta, unnecessarily included all of the moments of yohan and any physicality. a lot of them are not super important, but i do think they help draw a distinction in how he reactions when surprised, alone and around other people.
so, here’s a long ass post that is literally 99% me bullshitting, lmao.
so i wanted to delve more into yohan’s response to physical touch by way of trauma. while i know a lot of us have pieced it together, i think it’s pretty cool to lay it all out visually because i think there’s much more justification for his reactions; not to say it makes it right, but it does really flesh out a fundamental part of his characterization that i think is highly, highly important to understand.
yohan lives on the cusp for reckless behavior, almost as if he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies. the car chase, running through industrial buildings where safety isn’t a concern, etc.
episode one
the first time we see an instance of his disinterest in physical touch is when he first meets gaon. he actually offers him his hand, but the way he goes about it isn’t a handshake. he almost looks hesitant, and then he squeezes and does not shake. it’s truly a split second gesture out of formalities. granted, he’s just met someone he thinks looks like isaac, and might be in a little bit of… not shock, but certainly distracted.
later in the episode, yohan is in an abandoned building with homeless people. he’s checking people’s wrist, but he’s quick about leaving them alone. until, a homeless man comes up behind him and grabs him. in response, yohan swings his arm to knock him off. then, he punches him, steps on him and decides whether he’s worth the effort. again, granted, no one likes to be surprised in a creepy situation like this, so his response? kinda understandable at this point.
next is the scene where yohan catches gaon in his office, where he pushes him against the bookshelf and kinda, more or less, comes off as a bit luring. we know yohan knows gaon’s lying, but a couple of things here. yohan initiated the physical contact, and he did it because of the suspicious nature of gaon. yohan also knows how to use his power and charms to catch people off guard, and i think really, he was messing with gaon when he brushed his shirt and asked him if he lived alone. gay as fuck, lmao, but i also see it as an intimidation tactic, in a way.
i could also pose a couple of theories aside from intimidation if we wanted to squint:
yohan is still in a state of awe of gaon’s resemblance to isaac. he’s not heard his voice or been around the other man for at least 10 years, and now there’s tangibility at his fingertips.
if we want to look at it from the gay perspective, gaon is clearly intriguing to yohan, and as i’ll note further down in this post about yohan in relation to physical touch, i’m sure it could be assumed that this is one of the first people in a long time that yohan has an interest in making a connection with. however, because of his upbringing, it’s clear he does’t necessarily know how to connect with people (ie. ep 7 trying to connect with elijah, eps 1-6 with him trying to non-verbally tell gaon that he has bigger plans than what’s in front of his face. his admission in ep 5 about being monster). more or less, he knows his charms can be used, but when it comes to actually flirting and/or liking someone? it’s left to be addressed, but could be assumed he’s just as awkward about it as when we see him at home.
we also see a small instance of him letting someone dress him. there’s still touch involved, but it’s very clear what the intention is. he has control over the situation, and it’s not a surprise.
the next time he engages in physical touche, again, he initiates it because he’s in control, and it’s meant to be comforting, to an extent.
and then to round everything off, we actually see him reaching for isaac, who is actually gaon in the court scene, but you know storytelling and all that. he reaches for him both in the courtroom and within a flashback.
him reaching out for isaac seems to be a motif within the show as it happens later on, of which i’ll point out.
episode two
we see him initiate a handshake again. at first, to gaon, and then with jinjoo. controlled situation.
later on in the episode is when we see our first glimpses of batshit crazy yohan, an absolute delight and fav, lmao. he actually reaches out to the spoiled kid, and it’s clearly to legitimize intimidation and a position of power.
okay look, i’m not even gonna front, this was a cute scene. when jinjoo gets out of the car, he checks to make sure she’s okay, and they have this moment before they go onto the red carpet where they smile at each other. yohan is confirming she’s okay, and she agrees. again, controlled, and i don’t know for certain if yohan is more comfortable around women, or it’s just mere fact that he doesn’t always have a problem with touch when the situation is safe. he actually lets her take his arm further on in the scene, and yes, it is a public display of niceties, and he knows that.
so in the midst of this happening, we get the ‘devil child’ story. and i want to make note of the bird scene because i do think it’s important to note that people yohan cares for, he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth to protect them. yes, they’re children in school, but the girl next to him is the only one who showed him an ounce of kindness, and yohan is proven to remain loyal to those he loves or trusts in some capacity.
of course, he ends up pitting the rich and the poor kids against one another for their betrayal and making him an outcast. in yohan’s mind, what he did wasn’t necessarily wrong because his sense of justice is based on protection and when people wrong him or those he loves, it’s seeking justice on their behalf or making the situation better - not in the technically right way, but right to him. yohan comes across as a fixer and problem solver.
yohan has a very, very strong sense of trust and loyalty, and we can assume that stems from isaac, who clearly tried to protect yohan from his father, who went out of his way to do so as best as he could as a young kid. yohan values loyalty not because he necessarily wants lap dogs and people to do his bidding. it comes from a place of love and security he’s never really had.
anyway, back to the gala with jinjoo, he does shake the minister’s hand. again, controlled. there are cameras. he also puts his arm around her, and that’s mainly because it’s a battle of the wills, and she’s trying to reprimand him, lol, as if she could. he hugs her a little hard and a little enthusiastically, and you can clearly tell it’s for show.
and then he dances with both jinjoo and sunah. and there is a stark difference between these two scenes. yohan actually teaches jinjoo the proper placement for where she should rest her hands and how to move. he’s actually having a good time with her, and again, it’s actually really cute.
with sunah, he’s reluctant and definitely on guard. he can tell from her demeanor that her intent is with purpose trying to get close to him. at this point in the story, he probably sees it as sunah coming onto him and not because she’s actually the maid from when they were children. when sunah reaches up to whisper in his ear, you can really tell he doesn’t like her being that close to him at all especially because her words may not be overly threatening, but there is purpose behind them, which means yohan’s guards are up. he physically removes her hand and than blatantly turns her down: she tells him that enjoying things alone isn’t fun, and he counters it by saying he’s having a lot of fun.
so at this point to reduce on some screen caps, he meets the minister’s family, has handshakes with her husband and the kid he went after to essentially beat up his car with a mallet, lmao. the handshake is quite funny because they both know what happened. yohan is in control, and that kid is shaking in his boots.
then the explosion happens, and of course, it makes sense that yohan helps gaon after he’s hurt. gaon has never been a threat to yohan, and it’s clear yohan’s not heartless whatsoever, but it’s also poignant to note that gaon helped saved yohan’s life, thus starting yohan’s journey of loyalty to gaon. i think he’s always had his sight set on gaon to begin with, possibly long before he even became an associate judge, but if this was a test, gaon passed it with flying colors because if gaon can rescue a little girl, and he can help an old man who fell off his bike, would he really go the lengths to save yohan who has shown him time and time again his sense of justice is different?
episode three
yohan reacts negatively to soohyun and within good reason when she questions where gaon is. he turns away because for him, the conversation is over, but for her, it’s not. to get his attention, she grabs him when he’s not paying attention, and of course he has a very adverse reaction. at this point, it can be chalked up to disrespect given the fact that he’s a head judge and she’s just a mere cop, but hindsight is 20/20. he does throw her arm off by flicking out his arm. but instead of berating her, he just tells her to catch the culprits who harmed gaon and leaves it at that.
and then of course, everyone’s favorite scene and rightfully so. yohan caring for gaon? very sexy of him. gaon is injured, poses no threat, and as i said above about yohan finding some amount of loyalty in gaon means his physical boundaries aren’t jeopardized. and for that, we get these wonderful scenes of yohan helping gaon as he heals.
and then scenes of him messing around with gaon by hitting him. truth be told, i wonder if this was something him and isaac did as young kids. anyone with siblings know how that goes. fake picking on each other? fake bickering? yeah.
and then it slowly, but surely, it’s revealed that yohan didn’t have the same upbringing as isaac did. our first instance that something at home wasn’t right wasn’t just the conversation with ms. ji and gaon. it’s the flashback with yohan reading in his room when the door opens. he hastily pretends he’s asleep, and you can see he’s visibly shaking and breathing roughly until he realizes it’s isaac who’s there to give him books.
and that’s also when we get our first glance of what kind of abuse yohan suffered from at the hands of his father. it’s clear this isn’t the only incident, and there’s been many times that isaac wasn’t around to help defend him.
it’s also very clear in how yohan acts when he’s terrified and that his abuse has gone on long enough to be a routine pattern in the house. any time he hears heavy footsteps or thinks his father is around, he visibly shakes and gets panicky.
episode four
i include this scene because it’s been noted that a lot of books yohan reads are about humans, human nature, animals, animalistic tendencies, and he says random shit like this that directly points to what he thinks about humanity and humans themselves. we notice this most prominently at the dinner with gaon and jinjoo earlier on when he describes that he likes the feel of the chew and that he cannot taste. he always mentions hunting and prey, and i think this is one of those very clear instances where he actually reveals to gaon what he truly, truly thinks; no gimmicks. this also comes into play later on in ep 6 when elijah is worried about him being out all night. yohan clearly doesn’t trust people at all. he understands their intentions, their motives and how much pain they can cause other people for their own profit and their own gain. it makes sense that he wouldn’t leave his house, especially if he has a strong sense of loyalty to isaac (even after all these years) and caring for elijah.
this is also one of the very direct moments that yohan doesn’t understand family dynamics. when it comes to people, it’s a giant chess game. not only that, later on in the episode when they’re in the car and yohan talks about how people, no matter what, are always the same in front of greed, yohan is cynical, and he expects the bad every single time.
what he reads and the way he words things (here and the discussion of him being a monster, for example) is clearly an indication that he doesn’t trust; that he cannot trust, nor does he want to at this point. yohan doesn’t understand the concept of kindness being given freely (ep 7 when he berates elijah for being used by gaon, telling her she falls for kindness every time). and yet, later on in eps, it’s clear when he’s around the right people and the right mindset (uh, gaon?? lol), he’s constantly putting up a front.
after all in ep 7 when he tells gaon that confidence is key, it literally gives him away not just in the courtroom but in his personal life. there’s a reason he looks softer at home than when he’s not there (the hairstyle changes and clothing).
basically what i’m getting at is this behavior can be seen as a defense mechanism because of his abuse.
then it’s another gala event with gaon and yohan this time. another lovely favorite where yohan helps him get dressed and then proceeds to drag him around and safe him from the lion’s den.
tbh i dont even need to include these, but i’m doing it for the indulgence.
yohan does sorta physically throw gaon as well during the rich people party, but that’s mainly to get him to shut up because he’s trying to show gaon the truth at hand and how all of it’s pretty much a farce.
later on in the episode is when we first have gaon truly attacking yohan verbally, and that’s when yohan snaps. it’s clear that isaac is a trigger for yohan, especially from someone who speaks out of line on something they know nothing about. gaon, truth be told, had a stupid moment confronting yohan the way he did. i don’t know who waltzes up to a proposed murderer and just asks them, lmao.
but here’s the thing, thus far, gaon has not entirely posed a threat to yohan. whether that’s from yohan planting gaon and guiding him exactly where he wants him or gaon just not being as thorough as yohan would like, and he’s trying to tap into that talent, is anyone’s guess. but as i said above, the one thing yohan protects is the things he does care about the most, and he tries to talk himself out of his own feelings. he constantly compares himself to an animal (again, dinner scene with gaon and jinjoo) to justify his actions, and to possibly not feel anything; because that’s easier, isn’t it? not feeling. so on top of gaon calling him a monster and a killer, confronted with the possibility about being a villain in his own brother’s story, obviously sets him off. he beats down his emotions until he’s confronted with it - and this is what gaon also meant in ep 6 about how it’s ridiculous that yohan calls himself a monster over a victim because yohan can’t even see himself in that light. not because he truly believes victims are weak necessarily, but i wonder how much he realizes that what happened to him wasn’t his fault.
to me, and as i just said, yohan convinces himself he’s a monster to make it easier for himself to belief his actions (ep 5 telling gaon some humans are born monsters in relation to himself). it’s not that he inherently thinks he’s wrong, but i think his guidance for what’s right and wrong was misconstrued without a parent figure in his life, especially if he’d read crime and law books as the focus. yohan’s actions, at least quite a bit of them are, are based on a gut feeling of right and wrong. when you think about it and your own sense of justice, how would that differ without the checks and balances in place? what punishment do you think fits the crime if we weren’t bound by written law? yohan thinks any action to protect those he loves is, more or less, justifiable because it’s a means to an end. it’s making a worng right again.
i don’t think yohan is a monster. i think his feelings, and what he knows is love, is misconstrued in terms of how to express it. we see this in episode 7 with his and elijah’s conversation where she’s just trying to be a teen, but his version of love is protecting her without, once again, understanding family dynamics and the pain points of growing up, the learning she has to do on her own. yohan might technically be right; similar to being book-smart but not necessarily street smart. his theory of telling Elijah that she’s soft for kindness and being used was true, but his delivery and the idea that that’s how humans develop doesn’t work. he’s telling her text-book rules, but people don’t live through books. they live through real life. yohan reads to get a sense of fulfillment and to learn. he’s learned his way into adulthood, but that’s not normal.
so uh anyway, back to this familiar scene:
because we don’t know the actual story of isaac’s death, it’s hard to say what role yohan played in his death, but i don’t know that i believe he was the one who did it. the entirety of the devil judge is relying on unreliable narration, so it’s difficult to gauge (for now since we’re on ep 7) how this will turn out and what happened, but to me, it really comes across as yohan upset over the insinuation that he could be the one to cause the death of the one person he loved the most. plus, i think it says a lot that he cares/loves elijah, and she was part of isaac. gaon crossed a thine line. yohan essentially welcomed him in, and this is gaon toeing it. we can also look at this is not gaon being an outsider to their family, but now has become part of the family, and so it’s easier for yohan to be ‘abusive,’ if you will, rather than the perspective of gaon still on the sidelines and pushing too far. by this i mean, the accusations made by gaon threatens their formulating family dynamics.
and once again, the only person he ever actually reaches out for is isaac.
and then we have the aftermath of yohan’s nightmare, where he’s still caught in the dream as gaon comes in, and refuses to be touched after, even if gaon’s intention is to see if he’s okay. yohan makes it very clear to gaon not to touch him, and that’s when elijah comes in with a very accusatory ‘what are you two doing?’ in this moment, yohan is not just vulnerable, but he’s emotionally sensitive. i’ve no doubt he’s still dealing with a form of sensory overload from his dream.
and then, i don’t know that this was necessary? was it necessary?
the following set of scenes are the ones where gaon tells him he’s a victim and he hasn’t confronted his own emotions about his abuse. i think yohan realizes gaon is right to some degree, but it is convoluted, and it’s not so simple to face your own traumas. however, he does for a moment after gaon leaves, remember another instance of abuse he couldn’t stop but wishes he could, wishing a parental figure of sorts would’ve come in to save him like his older self is trying to save the kid version if only he could turn back time, if only he had the power to do what he wish someone else had done for him.
and then the kidnapping scene is just. fucked up in and of itself. it actually makes my skin crawl. not because sunah is scary necessarily, but the lack of autonomy yohan has - especially when we find out later more of sunah’s story. to do something like this after what she’s suffered through makes this scene even more disturbing.
you can see the moment yohan hears heels when sunah (not knowing it’s her yet) comes in. literally the minute he knows someone’s headed his way, he checks the fuck out. his whole face goes slack, especially when sunah reveals herself. and when she’s kissing him? blank as fuck, too. it’s the most dead-eyed stare i think we’ve seen from him.
episode six
so, we get this gem from elijah that i’d like to touch on later. it’s more speculation and just me running through ideas more than it is canon fact. but what it does let us know is that yohan doesn’t seek people out. he prefers to be at home and staying there.
after we get the maid story, and we do get yohan touching sunah’s cheek, and in some fucked up twisted way, this is his way of protecting one of the things isaac cherishes the most. the point of the gesture isn’t just intimidation but serves as an act of intent, of protection in the only way yohan knows how. he’s safeguarding isaac. you can tell he doesn’t actually like sunah at all as a kid, but uses that to his advantage. imagine yohan learning violence for ‘good’ things when his father used violence for ‘bad’ things. what a twisted way of looking at it? and the irony at hand.
additionally, the main reason i’ve included so many varying scenes of yohan touching people isn’t to establish that he’s okay with being touched given how many scenes there are of him randomly shaking people’s hand or touching them. it’s all about context and what the intent is for. most often than not, really way more often than not, yohan only reaches out for people when it’s socially acceptable to do so and because it’s manners. and yet, even in some of those cases, there is still intent behind the gesture.
the moments he acts out the most are when he’s not in front of an audience, when he’s more likely to be alone with his thoughts and is exceptionally more vulnerable to his own triggers.
and i think the scene after he’s back at his house from the kidnapping is noteworthy because it doesn’t just feel like he’s shaking off the effects of the drugs he was given. he seems to visibly trying to compose himself of the mental and physical play he just had to deal with.
the next scene is yohan angry with gaon for taking elijah out. which really, he does have every right to be angry, and one thing i didn’t note above during the ‘you killed your brother’ choke out scene before is that when yohan is backed into any kind of corner, he reacts like a caged animal.
because we’ve already established the scenes with his abuse, his father took his anger physically out on yohan. so how else was yohan supposed have developed the tools to express it? it’s easy to hurt the things you love the most; it’s easy to abuse the ones you know, and between gaon and himself, they both have an unhealthy dynamic because gaon is old enough, strong enough to take whatever yohan gives him. gaon is not family and so there’s still that clear divide and a distinction as to why he lays a hand on gaon but not elijah, for example. gaon can still pose a threat. elijah is family. then again, it can also be said that maybe yohan considers gaon family, and gaon betrayed elijah and therefore yohan, and you don’t do that. not with yohan’s understanding of family dynamics.
but with that said, it begs the question why yohan keeps gaon around, and i think some of that has to do with the fact that gaon surprises yohan. he might’ve set his sights on him long before he became an associate judge or maybe he took interest after gaon was chosen for the role (this is still up in the air), but deep down, yohan sees something in gaon despite his snooping, despite his righteousness. it could be the potential; it could be the fact that gaon could be better than yohan if he just allowed himself to loosen the ropes he’s tied himself with when it comes to the court of law and the justice system.
but here’s the thing that idk a lot of people have really picked up on. gaon is one side of the same coin underneath it all. he’s also provoked yohan with physicality when yohan brought up details about soohyun.
to be fair, we can say that yohan evokes a different type of anger in gaon, one that he hasn’t tapped into for years that allows him to open up to that more physical side of himself he learned to put behind him. gaon doesn’t really come across as the physically threatening type, but yohan does push his buttons and vice versa.
but then, of course, we have the big fight scene where gaon goes in on the attack, and that’s when yohan makes his threat not to attack him ever again. it’d be easy to say he says it based on the merit of him not actually attacking soohyun, but seriously speaking, the intent feels much more than that. more along the lines of asking gaon not to provoke him without warning again because next time might be bad. most of their other fights, especially the one above,have been in the midst of conversation. this time, it’s from a place of complete surprise, and you can tell yohan goes on the defensive when his first instinct is to not just throw gaon back but raise his fist to strike.
episode seven
the only physical contact yohan has with anyone is the president, and that’s when he turns on the live video of the two of them, and it’s clearly intended to be a lowkey threat. he keeps pulling the president back into his side to be on the live camera after the dude tried to come after yohan. i do think it’s hilarious that yohan manipulated the situation with a live component just as the president and the rest of the rich people thought they could turn a live court show into manipulating the public.
and then, of course, the jail scene. the part where he makes gaon stay. he also touches gaon’s shoulder later just before they leave.
episode eight
the most prominent scene in this ep is certainly the scene where sunah comes onto yohan, and you can tell she did it to get under his skin in some way. of course, he’s smart and knows she’s up to something, but i think it’s so interesting how he wraps his fists around hers, almost as if to tame her and prevent her from trying to further put her hands on him.
we also know yohan has no issue with using physical force regardless of who it is (obviously, his dialogue in this scene, too) when he feels caged or trapped. his intention is also to retrieve isaac’s necklace, and i like how he uses literally anything to his advantage. meaning, he’ll use physical touch, his mentality, etc to get what he wants or needs, even if it is marginally uncomfortable to some degree.
and i think that also says alot about him is that he’s able to displace what makes him uncomfortable in moments like this to achieve an end goal.
additional thoughts
i know this isn’t really common with a lot of the characters in general, and could be chalked up to a cultural component, but yohan’s definitely not a hugger.
the other thing i wanted to note is yohan’s seemingly adherence to touch unless it’s for good reason in relation to sex. the main reason i bring it up is because i’ve seen it discussed a bit, especially in regard to elijah’s comment about him not staying out overnight since the fire. there are a few plausible scenarios, maybe more, but for the sake of this, we’ll go for these.
yohan has had past relationships/experience or will in future episodes
day flings
he’s never had an interest in anyone before given his upbringing and abuse and therefore never sought out sex
inexperience could be from lack of interest in other people and sex itself
he’s never found anyone to really connect with and trust in such a way and has avoided it for that reason
and i bring this up mainly because i think it could be something to explore in fanon, but also because i’m kind of annoyed with how people have been talking about yohan being a virgin. i’m not quite sure what the joke is, but lack of sexual experience does not mean naive or that he doesn’t have a sense of humor when that’s clearly far from the truth:
i don’t know that people find it unbelievable because of his age, because of characterization of yohan being more dominant, but none of these things negate this being an option. i think it’s perfectly plausible of a situation (from what we know right now), and truthfully, it would make a whole lot of sense. i just don’t get the jokes about it that i’ve been seeing online (twitter) when there isn’t a mutual exclusiveness to any of it whatsoever.
yohan already has a hard time connecting with people, and i can imagine that level of physicality could be difficult. clearly he knows how to use a version of it to get what he wants. i’ve no doubt he’s used his charms in situations where he’s needed to. yohan knows he has that going for him, at the very least. but sexual appeal and jokes doesn’t mean having a body count any more than it could indicate there being one.
lastly, i also want to pull these paragraphs from @b612sunsets‘s post because i think they do a much better job than i ever could of explaining, short and sweet, a fundamental part of yohan’s characterization, and mainly what i was trying to get at with this long ass post.
“There's two things we already know about Yohan from the last 6 episodes: he hates being touched when he doesn't see it coming and doesn't have control over it because of the abuse he suffered (I assume). To name a few: Soohyun grabbing his elbow to stop him from leaving and get answers about Gaon, the beggar that touched him while he searched for the fireman, Gaon after punching him and Yohan clearly telling him to NEVER do it again. The impression it gave to us is that if there's a next time he might not be able to stop his instinctive reaction of defending himself and using violence back (something worse than choking or pushing Gaon and he doesn't want to do that with him).
“Unless it's a friendly/small/slow touch like in the breakfast scene when Gaon touches his arm when he gets up to offer them some fruits. When he had the nightmare with Isaac, his walls were up high so even if he could see Gaon's touch coming and it was friendly, he decided to stop it because he was too defensive and sensible to accept the gesture (it would be the first time Gaon started physical contact with him too, he wouldn't be ready for that in such a state).
“The second thing is that Yohan hates when people take what is his or mess with what is important to him. Again, to name a few: Sunah with the necklace when she was a maid, the fireman with Isaac's watch (Yohan made them fall from high places, not caring if they died or not), the guy that fabricated the small bombs that hurt Gaon (Yohan would have burnt his face if "K" hadn't stopped him) and Gaon taking Elijah out of the house to Soohyun without previous notice (a cop and someone he doesn't trust).”
yohan has a very, very large sense of self-preservation for himself and for those he cares about. it’s in his intention, actions, facial expressions, movements, the way he interacts with people. i find it fascinating how calculating he can be, but at home, he’s at his most vulnerable and almost socially unaware and awkward.
yohan is a bit of an irony. he understands people from an action-oriented, instinctual level, but he doesn’t necessarily understand their thoughts and emotions in the waves of nuances that people live through on the daily. like, he gets it to an extent and on a practical level, but he himself is a square trying to fit into a circle - he doesn’t always understand it for himself and has to actively work on social cues so as not to come across as the devil child he was once painted to be.
and let it not be unsaid, yohan really will go to the ends of the earth for family, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone.
and so anyway, i doubt this offered any real insight, but i think this is my way of breaking all of this down for myself. so, tada!!! lmao
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Kinktober Day 31
Out with a Bang
Holy crap I finally ~finally~ finished it! This was not,,,,,,, the best of ideas I’ve ever had because holy fuck it was a lot
But I really really reALLY wanted to make something for the fellow simps (like yours truly) who just ~cannot~ decide which mans they want because, let’s be real, they’re all Snaccs and they all need that good lovin 😌👌
In hindsight, I wish I would’ve made Toby’s part a little longer, but alas, I think it might be too late to change that by now. Also, there’s a lot happening throughout all of this and it does feel rushed and just generally,, badly paced and stuff, but still, even if it might not be the absolute best, I’m relatively happy with the way it turned out :)
So, ah, anyways, quick warning for just,, more than I usually do for smutfics so read at your own risk!
And for those who do manage to get through this mess, well, I hope you can enjoy 😉💦
~Requests are closed~
Masterlist: x
Any tips are greatly appreciated!
You squirm and try to suppress a whimper as strong, warm hands caress your front
You’re dizzy, nerves set ablaze with something hot and burning and wholly consuming—like nothing you’ve ever felt before
BEN tugs at your nipples between his thumb and forefinger, a wicked grin on his attractive features at the sound of your choked moan
“You like that, babe? Like being a little slut at the center of attention? Hm?”
His scarlet pupils flare mischievously as his free hand works to evenly pump at his cock
Before you can respond, your attention’s pulled away by Jeff jerking at your face, forcing you to look at him
You can barely react before he smashes his mouth against yours, chapped lips tasting of blood and something sweet
Your hands flutter up to him, fingers tangling into messy raven locks as you try to keep up
He wastes no time cramming his tongue down your throat, and the feeling almost has you forgetting about everyone else in the room watching
Almost
He growls against you, his body like a wall of muscle pushing you down harder against Hoodie’s lap—albeit probably unintentionally
Still, it has the proxy’s hard-on poking your naked thigh through the fabric of his jeans, his cock twitching eagerly in response
They’re all so hungry
Despite all the distractions trying to steal your attention away, you still reciprocate the kiss to the best of your abilities
It leaves you breathless and panting, your thoughts swimming, tugging at dark strands for a grip on something—anything
“Quit fucking hogging her mouth. I want those pretty lips wrapped around my dick”
Jeff grunts, pulling apart, breaking off a faint string of saliva in the process
There’s the sound of a belt unbuckling, and you look up, still dazed, just in time to see Masky undoing his pants and tugging himself free
“Fuck…” he breathes out a cuss, member springing out—just inches from your lips
He’s nice and thick with a prominent vein running along the underside of his shaft, and you can’t help but swallow thickly as he rubs at the precum beading up his tip
Despite still having his mask on, the bottom of it is still tilted up just enough to reveal his amused smirk
“You like what you see, sunshine?” he teases, slowly stroking over his length
When you bite your lip and nod, he takes it as all the permission he needs to wrap his hand into your hair, twirling a makeshift ponytail to use as leverage to bring you towards him
You accept him into your mouth without hesitation, swirling your tongue around the tip and watching as he throws his head back with a cuss, his fingers tightening in your scalp
You prop yourself up as best as you can, despite the others still gripping and groping at your body, to take him in all the way until he’s hitting the very back of your throat
Lifting yourself from Hoodie’s lap meets you with a strong smack! to your ass, followed by a husky chuckle as your hips buckle
Who you can only assume to be EJ, judging by the steadiness of his caress, trails his fingertips down the side of your torso and to the aching spot between your legs
Another pair of hands splits your thighs open, gripping flesh with a loving slap, before letting Jack take the lead and cup your heat, his thumb just barely teasing at your clit
Your eyes squeeze shut, a desperate muffled whimper sounding out from around Masky’s cock, which has him twitching and groaning huskily
Another harsh whap! stings the flesh of your ass and you whine again
“You shouldn’t talk with your mouth full,” Hoodie snickers
You don’t have time to push away and respond—not that Masky would’ve let you at this rate—before someone takes one of your hands and hesitantly presses it to their crotch
“(Y-y/n), can you—can you p-please touch me?”
You wrap your fingers around Toby’s bulge and his hips buckle, an adorable moan spilling from his lips
He’s quick and eager to undo his pants, his dick springing free with a slap to his lower abdomen, before he’s guiding your touch back to his stiff member
Your second hand is brought up to wrap around another erection, and this time you can hear Jeff hiss in a breath as you give him a long, slow stroke
“God, that’s so fucking hot,” BEN groans
He tugs at your nipples again, then leans in to take one between his teeth, watching as your movements stutter and your whole form stiffens
A lewd moan wrenches itself free from the back of your throat before you can catch it
There’s too much stimulation—they’re overwhelming
You don’t know what to focus on; it all just feels so good—you’re absolutely powerless to do anything but let them have their way with you
Jack’s long, elegant finger prods at your entrance before slipping into your sopping cunt
He slowly twists his digit against your fluttering walls and then pushes in a second one
Your whole body trembles, and you choke on a moan as your cunt immediately clenches around him like a vice—all too eager
You’re out of breath, your throat’s raw and your lungs are burning
You’ve no choice but to pull away from Masky’s to cough and splutter, another string of saliva still connecting you to him before finally snapping off
The way their eyes roam over your form, drinking you in, soaking up every detail you have to offer, it’s borderline humiliating
Even the most seasoned sex worker would flush at the attention
“You feel so tight around my fingers” Jack’s voice is thick and husky, hardly above a whisper but you somehow hear him loud and clear
His fingers move slowly and methodically, coaxing a ridiculous amount of slick from your eager opening
It has you squirming, trying to get him to move faster because fuck, you need more, but Masky’s grasp tightens around the crown of your skull and it forces you still
You expect him to cram himself down your throat again, but instead, he just smacks his cock against your cheeks a good few times and it has you whimpering, muscles clenching madly in delight
“Such a good, eager little cockslut, aren’t you?” he chuckles
He releases his grip and instead strokes himself a good few times, using your own saliva as lubricant
“(Y-y/n)...”
Toby’s gaze suddenly catches yours, a light blush dusting his cheeks, his pupils blown wide and clouded with lust
He hesitantly comes closer until you manage to bring his member into your mouth, tongue flattening against the underside of his tip before taking him all in and swallowing him down
It’s difficult to work, to say the least, when BEN’s lavishing your chest with attention, Hoodie’s kneading at the fresh marks on your ass and Jack’s fucking you on his fingers, but you do the best you can
Toby unwinds into a shuddering, moaning mess at the command of your mouth
The way he squirms and gasps as you suck him off hard and slow, gazing up at his reaction through long lashes, is somehow both endearing and horribly sinful at the same time
You can tell he’s starting to get close when Jack hits something blindingly wonderful inside you, and it has you pushing away from Toby, your back arching with a breathless cry as adrenaline races up your system
“Here, (y/n)? That where it feels good?” he murmurs, his voice a low, deep rumble thick with arousal
You nod eagerly, trying to splutter out an affirmation, but the most you can manage are broken moans and pleas as he toys with the spongy spot deep inside your fleshy walls
“J-jack, fuck—s-shit!”
You try to hump against his fingers, your orgasm building way too quickly, and when Hoodie reaches around to jerk at your clit, your whole body buckles, core convulsing tightly and thighs shuddering on top of him
The others pull back, and you’re more than fully aware of how they’re all stroking themselves while watching you, but you’re far too horny to care
Your hands scramble to grip onto Jack and Hoodie’s forearms, feeling their muscles tense beneath smooth skin as they pump and rub your sopping sex until you’re throwing your head back and crying out from the stimulation
Euphoria reverberates throughout your whole body, but just as you’re about to cum, Jack pulls his fingers out and Hoodie quits playing with your clit, only to give a quick, light smack to your cunt and chuckle when you whine in protest
“N-no, fuck—please!”
You try to reach down to alleviate yourself but Masky stops you before you can, forcing your hand back to stroke at his member with a tsk
“Little slut’s getting impatient, aren’t you, baby?” BEN coos, “You want us all to take turns fucking you nice and good, don’t you? I bet your brain‘s turning to mush just thinking about it, isn’t it?“
He gives a good few mocking pats to your cheeks and chuckles
“I bet I can fuck her better than any of you shit-heads can”
Jeff’s gruff promise is all the warning he provides before settling himself between your split legs
He leans in and spits onto your cunt, not that you need the extra lubrication, before then rubbing the head of his member between your ridiculously slick folds
“You gonna be a good bitch at the tip of my dick, (y/n)?”
You nod eagerly, trying to hold back the obscenities threatening to spill
And then all at once, he snaps his hips forwards—shoving himself all in one motion without mercy
His scarred grin twitches at the way you cry out and moan around him
Your head rolls back, chest arching up, allowing different hands to roam over your tits and toy with your nipples, others wrapping around your neck and feeling your breath catch into your throat in response
“That’s a good slut~” Jeff snickers
He pulls out, ever so slowly, and then he slams back into you again
“Jeff—fuck!”
Your whole body’s burning up, tremors of arousal rolling through you with every ounce of attention you’re receiving
Jack snakes his hand back to your front, between you and Jeff, to rub at your throbbing bundle of nerves while Hoodie gathers up your slick between his fingers to envelop around his member
And even though you’re expecting it, it still knocks the breath out of you as he pushes into you from behind—and you’re absolutely stuffed with the both of them
“So fucking tight~” Hoodie groans
He palms up your thighs, gripping your flesh, forcing you to wriggle and grind against his pulsing cock nestled deep inside of you
BEN yanks your chin up to look at him, chuckling at the dazed, glossy look in your eyes and your parted lips
You’re nearly drooling at the feeling, thoughts completely fuzzy and overwhelmed
Your cheeks are squeezed together, the entity toying with your bottom lip with his thumb before he’s bringing his member to your lips and you’ve no choice but to take him into your mouth
You squirm, eyes squeezing shut, swallowing down the taste of his precum as hands—and you don’t even know whose they are at this point—wrap around your thighs and toy with various parts of your body
It’s too much
With every harsh thrust, Jeff forces himself harder and faster into you—practically ramming into you while Hoodie hits deeper inside you
The way they both fuck into you—and Jack’s steady hands rubbing at your clit, you can’t keep up
You’re breathless and shaking and gagging on BEN’s dick, tears blurring your vision, until all at once, you finally cum with a strangled, muffled cry
Your eyes roll back, lids falling shut, back arching and shudders rocking through your whole body
“Fuck—fuck she’s already fucking cuming!”
Jeff throws his head back with a snarl as you clench impossibly tight around him
Hoodie groans behind you as well, hands bruising your thighs as BEN thrusts into your welcoming mouth and his cock hits deeper down your throat
Your muscles seize, pleasure and euphoria rocking through your body in seemingly endless waves
The stimulation’s so overwhelming that it’s nearly painful
Your vision clouds, stars dancing behind your eyelids, until Jack finally moves his hand away from your throbbing clit
But Jeff and Hoodie don’t relent
Their paces only grow more frantic and eager, all the more desperate to fuck into your welcoming holes and feel you tense so wonderfully around them
You try to swallow back your cries but you can hardly control yourself—especially not with BEN twitching between your soft lips wrapped up so nicely around him
The other hands grasping at your form toy with your body like you’re theirs
Fingers wrap into your hair and twist at the roots of your strands, tugging and pulling until you’re forced to take the cock into your mouth even deeper
“God, you’re s-so fucking pretty~”
You can hardly hear Toby’s voice through your own muffled whines and needy pleas
Try as you might, you can’t stop squirming and jerking from the overstimulation
Your throat’s raw from being fucked so thoroughly, especially coupled with the shameless moans that keep spilling free
Everything’s too intense
Your hands are brought up to wrap around their throbbing members, coaxing quiet groans and hushed moans to accompany your own muffled mewls
Hoodie’s pace grows until you know he’s getting close, and already, you can feel your second orgasm just teetering on the verge of crashing into you
A hard smack to your ass has you jerking, skin burning and tingling and no doubt covered in red prints
Jeff then immediately slams into you—either jealous of the attention you’re giving the others or equally close to release
But either way, his relentless pounding is enough to have you cuming again already
And your second orgasm’s blinding
Everything inside you seizes
Your muscles recoil from the shock, adrenaline and ecstasy racing through your bloodstream like it never has before
Your toes curl, legs wrapping tighter around Jeff, who releases a string of filthy cusses and snarls
“God—fuck!”
A couple more mind-melting thrusts and he stutters inside you, hips movingly sloppily until you feel his seed filling you up to the brim
Hands tug at your nipples, stroking and savoring your skin, even as you’re pumped full of cum
Hoodie follows soon after—his strong, calloused palms forcing you down so that your seated on his throbbing dick and he’s as deep as he can get
He grinds up into you as he cums, hands moving up to briefly wrap around your neck before returning to settle at your waist
“Such a—such a good slut!” BEN pants, groaning and moaning, “Fuck! Fuck! I’m gonna cum!”
He throws his head back with a moan, hips jolting into your mouth until the taste of him fills up the back of your throat
You pull away from him, coughing and spluttering, only to notice the others also nearing their end
Toby whimpers, his cock twitching incessantly in his grasp, and when you glance up to look at him, it’s all it takes for him to come undone
He release all over your chest, painting white streaks of his seed, until Masky’s yanking you by the hair and bringing your face to his cock so he can cum all over it
You instinctively squeeze your eyes shut, lips falling open with your tongue out and ready to taste him, though most of it misses and hits your cheek instead
“Such a filthy little morsel~”
Jack’s voice is deep, dark and gravelly, his whole form shuddering from the pleasure raking up his system as he works his cock
You reach over to help him out as well, wrapping your lips around his tip to hollow out your cheeks and suck—hard
It has him making what’s possibly the sexiest sound you’ve ever heard
His hips buckle, pushing his member further down your throat, and the moan you make is finally what it takes to send him over the edge
There’s so much of it
Try as you might to swallow it all down, you can’t, and it ends up dripping down your chin and all over your neck, right down to your chest and between your thighs
You’re a mess
Your whole body’s slick and filthy and you’re absolutely spent
Jeff finally pulls out, leaving more cum dripping out of you, but you’re far too exhausted to care
Just as you’re about to get off of Hoodie, you feel him press you back down
“Ah ah ah, who said we were done with you just yet, Princess?~”
His voice is a low hum at your neck, followed by the soft warmth of his lips pressing to your skin
You squirm, feeling yourself flush even through your exhaustion
The only word you manage to pant out is a dazed and confused, pathetic little “W-what?”
Masky snickers
He rakes his hand through your scalp, tugging gently at the roots of your hair to pull your attention back up towards him
“Don’t worry sunshine, we’ll do all the work for you. You just have to be a good little girl and fucking take it~”
#creepypasta#creepypasta x reader smut#creepypasta x reader#x reader smut#kinktober#creepypasta kinktober
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you didn’t kiss her back
wordcount: 2.5k
warnings: mentions of nsfw content, brooklyn :/
_____
In hindsight, he should have known.
He should have known when Brooklyn texted him the group invite for dinner in a separate text thread, not the intern groupchat, but he was too busy with work that day to even question it. Just liked the message as his usual form of RSVP.
He should have known when Brooklyn was ultra-polite to him at work that day, not adding any of her usual flirty comments or going out of her way to stroll by his desk. Instead, he was too caught up in work assignments and trying to figure out how late he could FaceTime Sophie that night without waking her up.
After the workday, Rafe was walking out to his car when Brooklyn jogged after him to catch up. “Hey, Rafe, wait up!”
He grimaced but turned around - he’d learnt to just deal with her presence over time. “What?”
“Um, my car’s almost out of gas and I don’t think I’ll make it to the restaurant and be able to make it home. Would you be able to give me a ride?” She asked, almost shyly.
Rafe calculated the drive time in his head. Eight minutes. “Uh...yeah. That’s fine.” He nodded shortly, then nodded his head in the direction of his car.
Brooklyn gave him a grateful smile, matching his quick pace to the car. “How was work for you today?”
“Fine.” Once he got in the car he dropped the act, just turning up the radio so they didn’t have to make more small talk. Just being near her made him feel on edge - the same way he often felt around his father. She reached out to touch his arm and he flinched away, making her giggle. “Someone’s tense.”
“Can you not?”
She rolled her eyes. “Touchy.”
“I’m trying to be civil here.” He remarked.
“Hm.” She let him sit in silence for a solid half minute, then spoke up again. “I saw Sophia posted some picture of her wearing a Cartier ring on her Instagram. Did you pay for that?” Brooklyn pushed, sounding almost nervous.
Rafe shrugged. “So what if I did?”
“You never bought me designer.” She glanced at her nails, trying to appear nonchalant.
He snorted. “You can buy yourself designer things just fine. We both know that.”
“Not the same.” She mumbled, then opened her mouth only to let out a sigh. “It’s just - never mind.”
He looked over with an annoyed glance, tapping his fingers on the wheel. “What.”
“Surely your dad doesn’t approve?”
Rafe tensed and she resisted a smile, knowing she had struck a nerve. Exactly what she wanted. “Since when have I cared about my dad’s approval?”
He might have gotten away with that with someone else, but Brooklyn could read him well. Too well. She’d seen him deal with his dad’s disappointment only a few times, - Ward was always on his best behavior whenever she was around, the model of a perfect parent.
Brooklyn laughed at that, shaking her head. “You’ve always cared about his approval, I find it hard to believe that’s changed in just a few months with some girl.”
“Eight months.” He corrected, his jaw clenched tight. “And you know her name. Don’t be rude.”
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever, Sophia or something. I just don’t get it.”
“It’s Sophie. Still. And good thing there’s nothing you need to get about my relationship.” His knuckles were nearly white around the steering wheel as he pulled into the small parking lot, then glanced around with a frown. “Where’s the other interns? Shouldn’t they be here by now?”
“Oh.” She raised her eyebrows, surprised. “I just sent the invite to you. You didn’t notice?”
He hadn’t, of course, but he wasn’t about to let her know that. He parked the car and turned it off, looking over at her with a confused expression. “What?”
“I didn’t send it in the group message, Rafe, I thought we could go out, um, with just us.” She gave him a small, earnest smile. “Like old times.”
He grimaced, closing his eyes for a second and taking a breath. “Are you forgetting that you broke up with me?”
“I mean - Rafe, come on. We worked well together. We could at least be friends.” Her tone took on a pleading edge and she leaned in a little closer, her arm nearly touching his on the center console.
“You made me feel like shit, Brooklyn.” He told her flatly, frowning. The last thing he wanted to do that day was rehash a conversation with his ex that they’d already had at least three times since breaking up. (The first was more akin to a drunken screaming match that ended in tears for both of them, the second was just bitter insults hurled back and forth, and the third was as short as possible, on the campus quad in between classes.)
“I just wanted to help you.” She murmured, then suddenly leaned over and kissed him quickly. He was so taken aback that it took him a second to spring back, eyes wide. “Brooklyn! What the hell!”
She blushed, embarrassed as she started stammering. “I didn’t mean - I wasn’t thinking -”
“Fuck.” He wiped his lips with the back of his hand and shuddered, looking disgusted. “Get out.”
She sat there for a moment longer, not looking at him. Her voice grew impossibly small and she picked at her cuticles, radiating anxious energy. “I didn’t drive.”
“I don’t care. Get an Uber or something, get the fuck out.” Rafe was practically fuming as he glared out his window, not wanting to acknowledge her.
“I - Rafe, I want -”
“Out.” He insisted.
She nodded quickly and scrambled out of the car, casting a wayward glance back after walking away. Once he was sure she was around the corner, Rafe slammed his fist on the steering wheel. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do more - throw up or go scrub his body clean of any trace of her. Brooklyn’s floral perfume lingered in the car and he felt nauseous, unable to think of anything but Sophie and how she’d react once she found out.
After he took a few moments to center himself, absolutely livid, he punched the ignition and peeled out of the parking lot, repeatedly swiping his hand over his lips in an attempt to get Brooklyn’s signature cake batter-flavored lip gloss off. (The summer after the breakup, Wheezie had started wearing a vanilla sugar perfume that smelled all too similar - Rafe had a headache for weeks.) He drove to a nearby park and sat out by the water to get away from the overwhelming perfume scent in his car, and his hand was nearly shaking as he hit the app to FaceTime Sophie, nervous as hell.
She picked up right away, grinning once his face filled her screen. “Hi! It’s good to see you. I can’t talk long, I’m getting ready to go out, but what’s up?”
“Um...” Rafe briefly debated bringing it up, anxiously pulling at a loose thread on his shorts. “Just checking in. How’s your day been?”
“Oh my god, so...” She launched into a ramble about a cool new project she was working on, and how she got to be with some of her new friends, and how she aced her Spanish test. He listened, a little impatient, as guilt ate at him.
“Soph -” He tried interrupting, knowing if he put it off any longer he’d make himself sick.
She didn’t notice. “And it’s kind of tricky -”
“Baby, listen.”
“- But it’ll be really rewarding -”
“Brooklyn kissed me.” He blurted out quickly.
She froze immediately, eyes wide with her lipstick raised halfway to her mouth. “She did what?”
He bit his cheek hard before replying, his heart pounding. “I’m so sorry, Sophie, I didn’t - I should have known, her stupid dinner invite -”
“Rafe, shut the fuck up, why are you apologizing? You didn’t kiss her back.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement of trust, but he almost flinched from the hard edge to her voice.
He shook his head frantically. “No! No, of course I didn’t. Fuck. She barely even touched my lips before I pulled away.”
“Fucking hell.” She had to set her phone down as she was practically shaking with anger. “I knew it.”
“Knew what?”
“I knew she was going to pull something, that - that -” She seethed, unable to get all her words out.
“That…?” He tried supplying.
“That bitch! Oh my god, what the hell? If I were there, I swear I’d - holy fuck. I’ve never wanted to punch someone until now.” She started pacing the room, flexing her fingers into fists.
Rafe couldn’t hide his tiny smile, raising his eyebrows. “You’re kind of hot when you’re mad.”
“Focus, Cameron.” She snapped. “Oh my god, she’s so fucking petty. First the Instagram messages, then this -”
“Wait, wait, hold on, what Instagram messages?” He interrupted, frowning. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh.” She scowled, crossing her arms. “She followed me a couple weeks ago and went through and liked the posts that you’re in, and keeps responding to my stories. Like that group photo I posted the other day at the bar, some of the guys were in it? She literally responded with ‘wow, glad you’re getting some in Spain.’ What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Sophie, you should have told me.” He rubbed his temples, upset but completely unsurprised - Brooklyn had done that same to a friend he had taken to a date party once when they were in one of their many short breakups. “I’ll talk to her, tell her to knock it off -”
“And have her try and kiss you again? No, I don’t think you need to give her any reason to be one on one with you.” She huffed, indignant. “How many days again?”
He paused to think. “Thirty? Twenty-nine?”
“Jesus Christ.” She sighed, running her hand over her face. “Any chance you want to come early?”
He looked apologetic, shaking his head. “Can’t, baby, I’m committed to this internship right up until I see you.”
“Damnit.” She flopped back onto her bed and rolled over onto her stomach to face the camera again. “Next time you’re at dinner, let me know and I’ll text you a picture of my tits or something.”
Rafe snorted. “I don’t know if that’s the best approach, but I wouldn’t be opposed to getting more nudes from you.”
“No, you’re right, she’d probably just tell you I’m slutty or something.” She rolled her eyes, only for him to frown. “You’re not slutty, baby -”
“I know, I know, whatever. What happened, seriously? Why’s she so hung up on you? I mean, I know why, look at you -” she gestured at the phone, making him laugh, “- but for real. Will you tell me?”
He nodded, taking a moment before he spoke. “She, um, cheated on me, but I didn’t find out ‘til after she broke it off. Not until the charity gala, actually. She’d say things like, ‘you’re so needy,’ then would get mad at me if I went to hang out with the boys.” Rafe paused, thinking. “She invited herself to the Bahamas, both times. My dad loved her, that should have told me enough.”
“Oh.” She murmured, frowning. “That’s fucked, Rafe, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, took me a while to snap out of it.” He half-joked, then his tone turned more sincere. “You should know, I was going to take you to the Bahamas house this spring, actually. But I didn’t want you to think I was showing off or something.”
“Rafe Cameron, showing off?” She teased, lifting her hand with the Cartier ring and raising her eyebrows. “Never.”
He immediately blushed, protesting. “That’s different!”
She grinned. “Is it?”
“It is. Totally different. I almost bought you the one with diamonds, that’d be showing off.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t.”
“Yes, I almost did.” He grinned, noticing that she wore the ring on her ring finger instead of her middle finger like he’d originally put it on her. “Sarah talked me out of it, so go complain to her if you wanted that one. She said you’d probably have my head.”
“Smart girl.” Sophie laughed.
“Do you always wear it on that finger?” He asked with raised eyebrows.
Her cheeks tinged pink and she shrugged, trying to be nonchalant but her tone took a defensive edge. “Maybe. It doesn’t matter. It’s just a finger. Why? Does it make you feel weird?”
“No. Does it make you feel weird?”
“No.”
“Good.”
“Good.” She shot back, pressing her hands to her hot cheeks for a moment. “I have to go, I’m late for meeting my friends now.”
“Wait, Soph.” He smirked and she narrowed her eyes again, wary of what he was about to say. “What.”
“Love you.”
“That’s it?”
He laughed, grinning. “I’m still not opposed to you sending me pictures of your tits when I’m at dinner.”
She rolled her eyes. “Do you know how difficult it is to take a good nude? I have to be alone, I have to contort myself in a weird position or use the self timer, then I have to edit the lighting because I have to take them at night -”
“Alright, alright, I get it. I’m just kidding.”
“You absolutely were not. I love you. Go appreciate the pictures I’ve already given you.”
“You gave me three for the entire summer.” He complained, and she rolled her eyes. “That’s a lie, I left you with three and I’ve sent you a couple since then. Goodbye, Cameron, love you, you ungrateful son of a bitch.”
He grinned. “Wait, Sophie, wait.”
“Yeah?”
“You’re not mad? At me?”
Sophie paused, furrowing her brow. “Do I have a reason to be mad at you? You’re already forgiven for not telling me, is there something else?”
“No, no.” He shook his head quickly, voice going quiet. “I just, um. She would have had my head for what happened. I know you’re not her, but I’m just used to that, I guess.”
She softened, wishing she could hold him. “I trust you, Rafe. I mean it. I’m not mad at you. I’m pissed off at her, but you didn’t do anything.”
“And you’d tell me if you were?” He rubbed the back of his neck, a little anxious.
Sophie laughed softly, nodding. “You’d know if I was mad at you, baby, it’s hard to hide.”
“Right. Okay.” He didn’t seem fully convinced, but nodded anyways. “I’ll let you go, then.”
“Not mad at you. Good night, my favorite boy.”
He gave her a small, shy smile. “You promise?”
“I promise. You’re always my favorite.” She returned a bigger smile. “I’ll text you when I’m home if you need to talk more.”
“No, no, I’ll be fine.” He waved her off, not wanting to seem too dependent.
She nodded, blowing him a kiss with a grin. “Night, baby. Sweet dreams.”
taglist: @whoeveniskendall @kkmaybank @karsinner @outerbanksbro @outerbankspreferences @randomficsandshit @sunshineitsfine44 @jailcalledlife @tovvaa @moniamaybank @illbesafeforyou @dontjinx-it @freddymaybank @jjmaybankzz @g4bster @oopsiedoopsie23 @babygal-babygal @thecuthoney
#rafe x sophie#mine#rafe cameron#rafe cameron fanfic#outer banks#outer banks fanfic#college outer banks#college obx#obx fanfic#obx#college rafe#frat rafe
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Do you think that making Chinese food is cultural appropriation? I'm white and started making some of the foods I saw in the shows I've watched since the untamed, but now I'm worried I'm appropriating the culture.
Hi anon,
As a fellow white person, I am also someone who needs to critically reflect on how I engage with different cultures. I can't give you the definitive answer you seek, the clear absolution from any potential wrongdoings; in its stead, I can only offer to share my current thought process on this topic. I’d still encourage you to seek other perspectives, and many people have written or spoken on this topic.
I believe we must first acknowledge that, on the terrain of the internet, discussions regarding cultural appropriation have reached a certain... extreme where some people view all forms of cultural exchanges as inherently suspect. They purport that so long as you stay within the bounds of ‘your’ culture, you will problematic behaviours. That perspective is inherent flawed. That is, it relies on a vision of culture as ‘bounded entities’ that exist in themselves. In reality, the ‘stuff’ that makes culture is emergent, existing only relationally, dialectically--it is a not a ‘thing’ that moves through time but an idea which is constantly negotiated and reproduced in relation to power and changing material realities to remain relevant and intelligible. The boundaries of cultural and ethnic groups are fuzzy, overlapping, and constantly being reworked and made meaningful. As an illustration, many of the food I grew up eating was influenced by ingredients and recipes immigrants brought in the 19th and 20th centuries, yet these dishes were understood as 'typically ours’. And it needs to be acknowledged that most of what is currently considered ‘white people food’ relies on ingredients that were introduced to our diet through colonialism and the violent dispossession of indigenous peoples (and, often, the current day exploitation of workers in the South and of migrant workers). No food can be truly ‘traditionally ours’, whatever the purported ‘we’ ends up being brought into the equation, and no eating behaviours can avoid the historical legacy and continuity of violence and power.
Of course, as people who exist in the world, we know that there are cultural differences. Bakhtin’s insights on language through the tensions between centripedal (ie towards uniformity, a common meaning) and centrifugal (toward diversity and change) forces can be expanded to help us conceptualise how we make sense of the way a ‘culture’ is perpetuated through time as something meaningful in our daily lives. Uniformity allows intelligibility, sense-making, but diversity and change are inescapable by-products of individuals and groups repeatedly going through life, meeting and trying to create intelligibility and sense together in a world that cannot stay the same. It is at the intersection of these two conflicting forces that something can be different yet considered the same--that we can create continuity out of change. But something perhaps less emphasized in Bakhtin’s discussions is how much power and material realities work on these forces. Power influences both centripedal and centrifugal forces, if only in orchestrating circumstances that shape how one encounters ‘different cultures’ or reproduces their 'own' culture.
We live at a moment where the world seems to have reached an apex of connectivity--where goods, people, ideas (and viruses) move across distance and borders at speeds that defy comprehension. Yet the way goods, people and ideas move (through which canals and systems? in which direction? to the benefits of whom? at the expense of whom? to what reception or use? in the service of which institutions and ideologies?) or are, inversely, incapable or unwilling to move, is influenced by power and material realities. It is inescapable.
In a roundabout way, what I’m trying to say is that it's useless to try to live life in 'your lane' by turning to a baseline 'culture' because we simply do not have a baseline culture to return to that is 'safe' from the influences of other cultures or the taint of the historical legacy and continuity of violence. So how do I personally reconcile that with how I engage with content that is produced from different cultural contexts, and how I engage with cooking food that is influenced by different cultural contexts? For me the guidelines I take into consideration are respect, attribution and avoiding forms of dehumanisation. These emerged out of witnessing how other white people have acted as well as critically reflecting on how I have acted in the past, and trying to do better (including of course, by listening to different perspectives on the topic). [just in case, warning for examples of racism/micro-agressions] I've been in China with white people who would praise the cooking we were eating in the same breath they were making jokes about dog meat. I've witnessed in Japan a dude decide not to come to an izakaya with Japanese colleagues, fucking off on his own to Akihabara instead, because he was disappointed he couldn’t talk about anime with them--too obsessed with the idealised version of Japan he’d created in his head to treat the Japanese people he met as people. The internet is full of white people telling you how to cook food from places they've never been and taking credit for 'popularising' that dish or 'making it better'. That's not even talking about the tendency for food to become a mark of a cosmopolitan, metropolitan identity in the West--the open-minded, the liberal, the traveler, the hip white person up with the times and beyond the mainstream. Hell, I've even seen people who act as if eating ‘ethnic’ food prepared by immigrants is the singular proof that they were people who cared about immigrants' well-being.
Food is rarely just about food, even when consumed at home. At the same time, we’d be remiss in all these discussions of power to dismiss how food is also one of oldest things we, as humans, want to share with others--including strangers. Feeding is nourishing and giving, eating is accepting into ourselves something made by others. Most people appreciate it when the value of a dish that holds importance for them is recognised by others--although, of course, many might understandably also resent that they have been discriminated against or mocked for eating that same food. Every time I’ve been invited in an immigrant household or at events with mostly immigrants, I’ve felt this sense of almost trepidation emanating from them, waiting for my reaction, and satisfaction once I was seen eating and appreciating the food they had served me--as if the acceptance of the food that was tied to their identity was a form of acceptance of who they were. Of course this can’t be disentangled from past experiences where other people might have been disrespectful, dismissive or outright racist: but the excitement they had in sharing food that had meaning to them and seeing others appreciate it was genuine.
Beyond situations of clear cultural sharing, where we get closer to what appears to be ‘cultural appropriation’, I believe that we cannot act as if there is something inherently sacrilegious in the idea of adapting recipes or using a specific ingredients in new ways--that’s centrifugal forces at play, and they have provided us with many dishes we love today: from immigrant creations like butter chicken to things like spicy kimchi. We cannot work with the assumption that people will only react with hostility at the idea of other people cooking the food they grew with, even in ways that are different from how they’re traditionally used and are thus “not authentic”. I still remember an interaction I had in a Korean grocery store, once upon a time when I lived in a metropolitan city. A man in front of me at the cash register who had been buying snacks and chatting with the employee in Korean looked at my stuff and suddenly asked me if I knew the name of the leafy green I was buying. I wasn’t necessarily surprised because I had overheard in the past customers and employees commenting in Korean about being surprised about the ingredients I, a white person, was purchasing, thinking I couldn’t understand them. I confirmed to him that I knew I was buying mustard greens. He then asked me what I was planning to do with them, and I explained that while I didn’t think it’s a traditional or common way of using it, I personally liked to add them to kimchi jjigae because it compliments their bitter/strong taste and I like leafy greens in my soups and stews. He said it was interesting, and that he was kind of impressed. The employee chimed to tell me I should be honoured at the compliment because the man was actually a chef who owned famous Korean fusion restaurants in the city. That was clearly someone who took Korean food very seriously and clearly had a certain degree of suspicion regarding how white people interacted with it, but he was also curious and interested in seeing how I approached ingredients without having grown up eating them.
Another point of contention is also that we cannot ignore that food is a sensual experience and that, while tastes are greatly influenced by our environment, they are not solely so. I grew up hating most of the food my parents would serve me, and started cooking in my early teens to avoid having to eat it. Before I started cooking, I would often just eat rice with (in hindsight horrible) western-brand soy sauce instead of the meal my mom had made. When I ate Indian food for the first time during a trip at the ripe age of 16, it blew my mind that food could taste like this. Of course I never wanted to look back, and with each years I discovered that a lot of Asian cuisines fit my palate better than what I grew up eating or other cuisines I had tried. When I was a teenager we visited my mom’s friend in France and I hated what she served us so much I’d simply choose to nibble on bread, prompting her to try to stage an intervention for my ‘obvious’ anorexia. Yet, being in China made me realise ingredients I thought I hated had just been cooked in ways I disliked. Do my taste buds absolve me from any need to think critically about how I interact with food? Of course not. But sometimes the reason we want to cook certain recipes and foods is just that it tastes great to us, and we want to reproduce the recipes we enjoyed with the ingredients and the skills we have. Or, really, sometimes we just want to try new tastes because we do a lot of eating throughout our lives, and it seems a waste to limit ourselves to a narrow number of dishes for decades to come.
So that’s where I currently am in my thinking about this topic, as a white person who cooks dishes influenced by a number of different places but who is also not trying to cook in a way that is necessarily authentic. Some things that I keep in mind that you can ask yourself now that cdramas and cnovels have made you interested in Chinese cooking is: are you taking this as an opportunity to support immigrant businesses when getting your ingredients? are you supporting white creators when looking for chinese recipes (some suggestion of youtube channels: Made with Lau, Chinese cooking Demystified, Family in Northwest China, 西北小强 Xibeixiaoqiang, 小高姐的 Magic Ingredients)? are you being respectful (not reproducing harmful stereotypes in how you talk about chinese food and the people who eat it)? do you use your interest in Chinese food to create a narrative about China and Chinese people that denies them, in some way, of their complexity and humanity? are you using your interest in Chinese food to create a narrative about yourself?
In conclusion I will leave you with a picture of some misshapen baozi I’ve made.
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Ceremonial Kisses (Part 1 of 3)
Part 2
So I decided to try my hand at the “Marinette, the princess of China” trope and see how I did! Tell me what you think?
Also, the first chapter is going to be fluffy, the second chapter’ll have a sprinkling of salt, and the third chapter will be a mix of piles and piles of salt and some fluff. Be warned!
.
“I’ve got a big, big, big announcement for you today, class!“ Bustier chirped, clapping her hands to get their attention. “China’s princess will be coronated in a week and a half, the day she turns 18, as many of you know, and one class from the school will be selected to travel to China and watch the ceremony. Guess which class it was?“
“Uhhh…Mme. Mendeleiev’s!“
“Ooh, M. D’Argencourt’s? They’ve wanted that trip for weeks!“
“No, class, it’s ours! In three days, we’ll board the plane to Asia and have a few days to sightsee and explore, then attend the coronation on the second-to-last day!“
“Wow! Why our class?“ Kim asked.
Marinette knew exactly why. Marc had told her that the entire school was sick of Lila’s lies and wanted to enjoy the coronation without her butting in in the middle of the assembly to tell a ‘story’ about herself.
But she couldn’t just say that.
“You know, I actually know the princess,“ Lila said, immediately drawing the attention of everyone in the room. “But her identity is being kept a secret for now. That’s how we landed the trip!“
“Wow, Lila!“
“That’s amazing!“
“So cool of you.“
“They know that’s stupid, right?“ Alya stage-whispered, earning a glare from Lila’s new puppy–more commonly known as Kim. She shrugged. “I’m just tellin’ the truth!“
Alya, who was now her only other supporter next to Nino (and technically Adrien, but she’d discuss that later–it was very complicated), had decided to Google Lila’s name during a sleepover and found…some rather incriminating Facebook posts.
After that, she was 100% team Marinette and an amazing friend, along with Nino, who had decided that he needed a theme song. No one knew why.
But they loved him anyways!
So while Bustier was rattling off facts about Chinese emperors and kings and queens, Nino was showing them his latest idea to expose Lila.
“Okay,“ he started. “First, we go to China. Then we do our sightseeing and shit, and then. I did some research, and we can ask the princess questions if we’re with a national news channel. Alya’s blog counts. For real, we can talk to the princess of China. And we ask her if she knows Lila.“
“Brilliant plan, Nino. I wonder how the princess will react to a few teenagers in the middle of a crowd of famous people.“
Nino frowned. “The princess is only, like, 17. She’ll probably notice us, Als.”
“Oh, that reminds me, your birthday’s on the same day as the coronation, Marinette! Weird, isn’t it? That you and the princess have the same birthday?“ Alya asked, pulling out her phone and swiping through something.
“Huh, yeah. You’re right. Maybe we can invite her to my birthday party?“
“Ooh, the wiki page says she likes custard buns, and I’m not sure how they know that,“ Nino chuckled. “but make sure to stock up on those.“
“Noted,“ Marinette said drily as Bustier turned to them with a condemning look on her face. “Alya! I hope what you’re doing on that phone relates to the lesson!“
“China’s princess’s identity is being kept a secret because the last two were sent death threats, dangerous items, highly innapropriate items, and several other things that prompted them to not reveal the princess until it was necessary.“
“C-correct, Alya. Good job.“
“Nice!“ Marinette mouthed, high-fiving Alya, who flipped her phone around to reveal a website about the princess.
-🌸-
The final bell rang as several of the students cheered. One school day until the trip over, three more to go. Alya swung her bag over her shoulder and bumped Marinette’s elbow. “We goin’ to your place to hang out?”
“Yeah, my dad’s out anyways and mom closed the bakery for the afternoon. let’s go!“ Alya took Nino’s hand and walked the short distance to Marinette’s house. They entered and immediately felt something off.
Ah, there it was.
Sabine was leaning over the counter with a cup of very strong-smelling peppermint tea beside her. She was rubbing her temples and muttering to herself in rapid Mandarin.
“Maman? Are you alright?“ Marinette asked worriedly. Alya and Nino stood by the door–they had only seen her like this once before, when her cousin had been run over and killed.
“Yes, dear, everything’s okay, it’s just–there’s something I need to tell you.“
“Oh, no, did something happen to someone?“
“No, no, everyone’s just fine. I can’t not tell you without there being serious problems.“
“So what is it? What’s so important you had to close the bakery?“
“You’re the princess. China’s princess. The one nobody knows about.“
“I’m what?!“ Marinette screeched, grabbing at her hair. “I’m the heir to the throne of the most populated country in the world, and you waited until a week before the coronation to tell me?!“
“Holy shit.“ Alya and Nino said simultaneously. Sabine stared at them, likely just realizing they were there.
“Oh. They know now, too. Perfect, that’s just what we need, a reporter knowing who–“
“Maman! Alya wouldn’t tell a soul, I know she wouldn’t.“
Sabine turned to Alya. “I’m sorry, dear, I’m just stressed. With that trip to China in a few days and all that, we’ll have to close down the bakery for about a week.”
“And we never close down the bakery.“ Marinette finished, putting a steady hand on her mom’s shoulder. “But I know just the person to run it while we’re gone.“
As she was about to say who exactly would run the bakery, Nino backed into the door, wide-eyed.
“Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. My best friend…holy shit.“
“Nino, I know this is a lot, but we’ll have to stay calm,“ Alya said, grabbing his hand. “So we don’t spill her secret. That’s top priority, all right? Don’t–tell–anyone.“
Nino sighed. “Sorry, babe. This…“ he turned to Marinette. “Do you have any cookies?“
Marinette grinned and led them into the kitchen. “Of course! Chocolate chunk or raspberry frosted?“
“Raspberry, all the way!“
“There’s the Nino I know!“
After a quick cookie interval, Marinette pushed her plate away and sighed. “Anyone up for an impromptu sleepover? You all left a bunch of your clothes here the last few times.”
“Marinette. If you know us, you will know our answers.“ Alya said solemnly.
“Hell yeah. Wanna go choose which terrible rom-com to watch this time?“
They ended up settling on The Kissing Booth, one of Marinette’s personal favorites (”To lighten the tension, you know?” Alya had said. “Although the tension in here probably weighs the same as an obese hippopotamus at this point.”) and made a bowl of caramel popcorn, with a tiny bag of sea-salt Skinny Pop for Nino.
“Sugar on popcorn is a crime, man. I ain’t touching that.“
“You’ve tried it once, Nino.“
“Yes, and I hated it. Is there anything else to be said?“
So they spent the next two hours in a blanket fort that was made almost entirely of throw pillows laughing over Elle and Noah and Lee being idiots, with a few highlights such as the iconic “Ninth grade skirt, eleventh grade body” scene, where Alya snorted and said “You know, Lila’s skipped so much school, might as well be ninth grade brain, eleventh grade work.”
“Too true,“ Nino agreed. “The other day, she called Chloe’s mom Aurora Bourgeois. That was a pretty major mess-up.”
“Shhh! Let’s just watch the movie!“ Marinette said, effectively quieting them down.
They watched the rest in silence with the usual laughs., ending up falling asleep halfway through the second movie, snuggled up on their respective couches. Marinette mother shook them awake the next morning, telling them to take showers and eat breakfast and get dressed and for god’s sake, Marinette, finish your homework.
“Crap, crap, crapcrapcrap! Nino, we’re going to be late if we don’t get ready fast!“ Alya shouted as Marinette ran up the stairs to change. “Can I use your shower, M?“
“Sure!“ was the muffled reply.
After about 10 minutes of running around and shoving waffles in their mouths, they grabbed their bags and ran off to school.
They burst through the door in the nick of time, the bell ringing just as they plunked down their things.
Bustier wasn’t there five minutes into the class, so they started talking.
“Marinette, you have to listen to Nino’s latest track, it’s–“ Just as she was about to describe Nino’s latest track, a bouncy-ball the size of a walrus snashed through the wall, nearly taking off Kim’s head.
There was a cackle from outside. “I am Gradack! You will all feel the same sorrow that I did!“
-🌸-
The fight was over relatively fast, and everything was calmed down and restored before their next class. Turns out Chat Noir didn’t show, so Marinette had to ask Alya for assistance.
In hindsight, she probably should have picked a better place to transform.
“Tikki, spots on!“ After she transformed, she was about to go to Fu to get one of the Miraculous, when she heard a strangled gasp.
“…shit.“
“My best friend is the princess of goddamn China and Ladybug? What the fuck?! Who are you? How did I not know? When did–“
“Alya, I know the feeling, but you can’t tell anyone. Got it?“
“Nino?“
“Well,“ Marinette paused to think. “Yeah, I guess. I trust him enough. Now, take this and transform!“ she tossed Alya the hexagonal box, and after a quick transformation, they ran off to defeat the saddened graduate of an akuma.
As she said, it was an easy fight.
They comforted the victim with four minutes (each) to spare, then ran back to the locker rooms to transform back.
Time Skip!
It was the morning of the flight to China, and she was ecstatic. Of course, she had to get up at 3:45 in the morning, but it was worth it–the flight took off at six in the morning, of course.
She could see the logic of wanting to arrive at 12:00, but she would’ve much preferred a red-eye.
Then she wouldn’t have had to stay up all night reading, because no way in hell would she just wake up at 3:45 in the morning.
The alarm would’ve had to go off for hours.
But back to the morning, she poured herself a sasquatch-sized mug of coffee, with about a gallon of cream and enough sugar to put an entire city of diabetics into shock, she started getting dressed.
Trudging around and haphazardly pulling out shirts, she finally decided on a simple red-and-orange flannel, a white t-shirt, and a pair of cropped jeans.
The she downed the rest of her coffee with an apathetic “Bottoms up!” and slapped her cheeks.
She grapped her suitcase and walked outside to where her mother was typing away on a laptop in the pitch-black night.
“Mom, why are you up?“
“Because I have to drive you to the airport, that’s why. And no alarm would be able to wake me up at 3 in the morning.“
“Preach. I’m ready to go, so can we get in the car now?“
After driving to the airport and saying goodbye to her mom, she walked into the airport and immediately saw the group of sleepy teens (and a certain disheveled teacher) leaning on their suitcases, trying not to fall asleep.
Nino and Marinette were already there, their eyelids drooping. The only person who looked properly awake was Sabrina, who was–inevitably–holding a saucer out to Chloé, who was sipping from a teacup.
Alya rolled her eyes and walked over to Marinette and Nino. “Who’re we missing?”
“Kim and Rose. They’re carpooling, so they should be here any minute.“
Just as Marinette had said, a few seconds later, Rose and Kim walked into the airport. Kim was still wearing pajama pants.
Another Time Skip!
“Marinette.“ Alya groaned, shaking Marinette’s shoulders. “Marinette, wake up, we’re here.“
Marinette’s eyes fluttered open. “No. Five more minutes.”
“Everyone else is already off the plane!“
“Shit. Let’s go!“ Marinette said, jumping up, grabbing her purse (which she had recently learned concealed a kwami) and scrambling out the door.
Alya picked up the mini-backpack she now carried (which held Trixx, cookies, and some grape jelly) and followed her out the door.
Almost as soon as they stepped off the plane, they heard a loud wail.
“Great. She’s back on her bullshit.“
“I just can’t believe she would steal that, Lila! It’s so unlike her!“
“M-maybe, but there’s p-proof! Look!“
“Oh, great, what did we do this time?“ Alya asked exasperatedly. They watched as Lila held out the remains of–from what they could see from a meter away–a sketch of an orange mermaid gown with a black lace collar, ripped into quarters and laid out on the ground.
Marinette gasped beside her.
“That’s your dress, isn’t it?“
A small tear made its way down Marinette’s face. “It was going to be for you,” she said softly.
Alya threw her arms around Marinette and rubbed her shoulders. “It’s okay, sweetie. Once you’re princess, we’ll sue her for all she’s worth.”
Marinette detached herself from Alya and wiped her eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, thanks, Alya.”
-🌸-
Nino stormed up to where Alya and Marinette were standing with a furious expression on his face.
“That fox,“ he seethed. “that bitchy little fox of a liar stole your drawing.“
Marinette chuckled wetly. “Yeah, we know.“
“Are you okay? I know how important they are to you.“
“I’m fine, Nino, and o–who the hell are you?“ A man in an oddly formal suit was standing next to her, holding out a small red envelope.
Marinette plucked the envelope from his fingers, opened it, and read the contents. She looked up and nodded at the suit-wearing guy.
“Good. In that case, Miss Dupain-Cheng, I’m going to need you to come with me.“ Alya and Nino immediately stepped in front of her in a protective shield.
“She’s not in trouble, is she?“
The strange man looked surprisingly amused. “Not at all–but you might want to come with us, too. You as well, headphone-boy.”
Nino put a hand on his chest and gasped in offense.
“Nino. He’s going to drive us to the palace. You’re coming, too, ya doof!“ Nino made a noise of realization and followed them out to where a black limousine was waiting.
They climbed in and drove off.
About five minutes into the drive, he moved his foot to the side, accidentally kicking a black box.
Just as he was preparing his final goodbyes, it sprung open, and inside was a junk food lover’s heaven.
“Dude.“
#ml#ml salt#ml salt fic#marinette dupain cheng#marinette deserves better#alya cesaire#nino lahiffe#alya sugar#nino sugar#lila rossi#lila salt#lila bashing#adrien agreste#adrien salt#adrien bashing#marinette the princess of china#WHY ARE YOU READING THE TAGS
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Why I love LeviHan (a rant)
So I'm pretty new to the LeviHan community and I just wanted to rant about how much of a work of art this fucking ship is even though I have no idea whether Isayama did it on purpose or not. But damn, this ship literally introduced me to the drama of shipping fluff and AUs --- two genres I used to avoid like the plague because never have I felt such adamance for a ship to set sail in YEARS since Percabeth back in high school.
To give some background about myself, the past five years, I was no fan of ships. Like literally, I tried to avoid shipping fics like the plague (for any fandom) because I was like "come on war racial war, zombie like monsters? Who has time to fall in love?" A lot of non romance shows don’t leave time for a relationship to develop and we literally just get a time skip where suddenly they pair people up together and I’m like woop good story but yo how the heck did they end up together.
In real life, I also did get into a healthy relationship with a guy, a slow burn after five years type and I thought yeah I've seen how I want a relationship to develop and now imma be picky as fuck with ships.
I did end up picky as fuck with ships but Isayama with the minimal screen time he actually gave this ship to set sail with probably minimal intention to actually confirm their ship got me climbing into this ship while it sunk canonically after chapter 132 because holy fuck ISAYAMA YOU MAD MAN.
Let's talk about how they were introduced. Trost is destroyed. Titans are impossible to kill then whoop. We get a group of weirdos and outcasts who can somehow kill titans like crazy.
Strong titan slayer dude.
Strong titan slayer girl. (Hange is female to me.)
Cool commander dude.
Cool interesting characters. Eren's dream team since episode 1. Two captains. Constantly together. Erwin is their glue. Nothing suspicious about that. They work together. They're too busy fighting Titans to actually be considering a relationship right??
Besides, Hange and Levi are just way too different like
Levi is like *slash slash slash I hate titans u ugly* *slash slash slash eww titan blood* *slash slash slash kill Titans they're all monsters*
Hange is like *slash slash slash oooh titan blood* *slash slash slash dont kill them i wanna dissect them* *doesn't slash* titans make me horny.
Like sure we could argue opposites attract but there are more cases where opposite personality dating would probably backfire and with the idiosyncrasies of both parties at polar ends of the spectrum it just didn't seem possible for there to be a spark? Like logistically they would tear each other's hair out if they were stuck together in a relationship.
At that point, Erwin being the middle ground between both captain weirdos, I couldn't help but think shipping Erwin with either of them would have been the more realistic option.
Season 2 had its fair share the first two scenes with Levi picking her up and the carriage. Didn't see anything too sparky yet and yes the last scene where he could tell who she is by her knock. (but yes sparks flew in hindsight).
Season 3: Erwin the glue gets trapped in capital due to political reasons and only one arm. Two captains forced to combine forces to manage the survey corps in peril. They get their bonding moments like torturing some dude together and reflecting over the untimely deaths of Hange’s squad. (and maybe Levi’s squad too)
They separate while coup d'etat happens because their skills were needed elsewhere. They got to save Eren and like hours later in the cavern Levi was especially concerned about Hange when she got shot by the hook back in the cavern like you don't see that concern with any other character except maybe Erwin. (But it can be argued that maybe all the other people he ever loved died too fast he never got the time to be concerned.)
All the way until the battle of Shiganshina Levi is usually with Hange.
When he’s not with her, there’s a reason (usually Erwin’s orders.)
When he's not with her he's thinking about her.
Then Erwin their magical glue of a commander does die and the captains gotta stick together even without the glue because they're the last two surviving people in the old survey corps.
It's apparent Levi hates the changes made to the survey corps because he still keeps the green cloak which everyone kinda abandoned. So it can be argued that Hänge was also that last bit of fresh air Levi had of the olden days.
So
they're
together
in
almost
Every
Friking
Scene
Like you can't blame them. Levi is anti social and traditional survey corps type.
Hange is still reeling from the loss of Erwin and her quick rise to power as commander.
They may have differing personalities but they had the same history. They both know loss, bloodshed and battle the survey corps brings that no one else probably understands to the extent they do.
And we get the bombshell of this scene.
Hange literally proposes to him that they just run away to the forest and just build a life for themselves and the cold harsh brazen Levi doesn't outright reject it.
He instead acknowledges what he knows about her that she'll never do that. This only confirms that they know each other too well, that they have a bond that exists between them which cannot so easily be replaced by anyone else.
And then a few chapters later
Dead.
And sure yeah Levi didn't cry but like yo, the way Levi handled her death is worse than crying. We have never seen Levi react to a death like this.
Levi is holding on to the hand which touched Hange’s.
Levi just sits down in the middle of a pivotal scene and where he might end up fighting any minute coz like what's life he literally lost everything he could have lived for.
Like sure people who don't think LeviHan is canon would say “He’s injured. He’s tired.”
Just a few chapters ago though we got him ready to fight
"That’s the last person left of course it would break him more than anything"
That's the point. They're complete opposites they've been together for years and even if the chemistry wasn't there before, even if they would never have gotten along at all, personality and logistics-wise, they were placed in a situation where their glue Erwin died, everything of the life they knew before, all their loved ones in the survey corps died and now they were left with the responsibility of managing what's left and being the only two people with a shared history.
That literally set up one of the best places for a fucking romance to bloom. Yet the war and the circumstances just made it so hard for them to act upon it yet somehow the manga and anime were peppered with this cool understanding of
Yo I want you.
like maybe when we retire let's keep in touch and I dunno have babies or something
But yeah yo we gotta fight.
Then Levi be like “Yeah babies be a good idea?” (Titans don’t love you. I love you.)
Death foreshadowing
Then Levi
Is
Fucking
Broken
Like we've never seen him before.
Wow isayama the madman didn't need to build this masterpiece of a relationship from love at first sight, to confessions, to placing them in unnatural situations for sexual tension.
He built a subtle relationship out of necessity, out of the need for some humanity in this dark world. Two people placed at the lead at the forefront of this war, willing to adjust, willing to change and work despite their differences because they needed that warmth, they needed the reminder that there exists happiness and hope in this world which transcends all that bullshit they have experienced to that point until her death.
I really wish I could experience that epiphany again with another couple.
I applaud the subtlety of this relationship and the natural development of one of the best ships I have experienced in a long while.
#levihan#levi x hanji#levi x hange#levi ackerman#hange zoë#hange zoe#hanji zoe#attack on titan#shingeki no kyojin#ship
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Let’s get ready to ramble – SNW S1E03
This post – naturally – contains spoilers. If you haven’t seen the episode yet and do not want to read spoilers, please do not read any further.
This is not an episode review but rather just a bunch of ramblings which I’ve tried to at least sort a little bit into categories.
Season 1 – Episode 3 – Ghosts of Illyria
I’ve posted some of my thoughts in the Strange New Pod mailbag, so check out their channel if you like. 😊
Pike’s inner demons - continued
No mention of that at all in this episode, and that was the perfect choice! This episode was centered around Una and M’Benga. Showing any of Pike’s PTSD in this episode would have felt way out of place. BUT we still see him dealing with it in an indirect way. Judging from how he reacts when he’s in imminent danger, he obviously still hasn’t made up his mind whether his future is predestined or not. Because if he knew with 100% certainty that he cannot die up until the moment when he rescues those cadets, why would he be afraid of a) the ion storm and b) the glowing creatures?
On hindsight, I think Una challenging his vision in the last episode was actually a genius choice by the writers. Because that got Pike thinking. He is now not so sure anymore whether the vision will really be his fate. I still believe the writers will not retcon his fate, but at least now Pike does have a sense of fear and danger again. Fear is not a weakness, it is what makes us cautious. If he has no fear because he knows his fate, he will take risks. But now that Una has given him the uncertainty, she – probably unknowingly – helped Pike to overcome this blockage.
.
Wishlist - yay or nay
Reference is made to this post:
Different tones in different episodes – Again yay. Compared to the first two episodes, this one is dramatic and has some suspense. I wouldn’t have minded if it had a few horror elements, too; but I’m fine with how the episode worked out. The positive messages the show tries to bring to us continue to happen. It turns out the ghosts of Illyria were not out to harm or possess Pike and Spock, but instead they wanted to protect them. And it also turns out the Illyrian colonists weren’t mad people who tried to subdue other civilizations with their superior augmented abilities. The colonists wanted to de-engineer their augmentations to join Starfleet because they believed in the good Starfleet is doing. This is a nice fuck you to everyone who thinks in stereotypes and always suspect the worst in people. It is also why Pike doesn’t fear the discussion with Starfleet, should Una’s secret ever be revealed to them. He has seen the good in the Illyrian’s and he’s willing to fight for them.
Surprising reveal - Kinda yay. I hoped for a surprising reveal for Pike, but as all my points in my wishlist are directed at Pike (for obvious reasons, duh), I am fine if this happens to other characters on the show. This time it is Una who has a shocking secret revealed, one that will change her character significantly in the show (and one that originated from beta canon). We all thought the augment would be La’an. And I actually still think she is, even if “just” by inheritance. Have you seen the fight? La’an was on par with Una.
But it’s actually Una who is augmented (, too). That makes Pike’s 3 senior officers ranked right below him in the command chain all physically superior to him, with Spock being a Vulcan and Una and presumably also La’an both being physically enhanced. I can already hear all the crying from so called “true Trek fans” about how the writers “emasculate” Pike and about how “woke” the show is. I’ll enjoy drinking your tears 😂😂😂. Truth is Pike is going to be thrilled to have such a strong back-up! I mean why wouldn't he? They are on the same side! I’d also be happy to have a crew who can kick ass.
.
Randoms
Disclaimer: I often ask questions here which might be understood as nitpicking (and it probably is). But it is never meant to slam the writers or the show. They are just questions that pop up in my mind while I watch the episode for the first time and I just take notes. But should none of my questions ever be answered, trust me I will not lose sleep over it. So please just take my questions with a bit of tongue in cheek. They are never meant overly serious.
So La’an is very much aware who her ancestor is, and it seems it’s part of her Starfleet file so everyone knows. I sure hope we gonna get an episode focused on that, because just telling the story wouldn’t be satisfying to me. As I said before, I am pretty sure she inherited some of the augmented strength. Just the way she could hold up against Una is a straight giveaway.
Why did the increased atmospheric pressure and the Illyrian ghosts’s proximity inflict pain on Pike and not on Spock? Do Vulcans have thicker eardrums? Or does Spock just have a higher pain tolerance? He looks totally undazzled while Pike’s head looks like it’s about to explode (hah! I did it 🤯😋).
Why didn’t Pike and Spock get infected? At least Pike was in the same room as Ensign Lance when Lance released the virus from the cabinet, and the room was bright. Also as M’Benga later found out, it only took passing an infected person on the Enterprise to catch the disease.
How did the ghosts know there were people on the planet that needed protection?
And why didn’t they break through the window which would have been much easier than breaking through the steel door?
The red shirt death counter still didn’t get a strike! How hilarious would it be to have an entire Star Trek show running for like 5 or 7 seasons without a single red shirt biting the dust? (probably very unrealistic)
I loved to see Pike’s anxiety when they were stuck on the planet and his mind was racing around his sick crew back on the Enterprise. I’ve seen people complaining that Pike is too perfect, when in fact he’s not. He does show very human feelings that I think most of us would have if we were in the same situation. You fear for your crew and feel helpless, so you start pacing around in anxiety. You get angsty when some unknown creature tries to break through a steel door. And you sure as hell are frightened when they actually break through and come for you. Not to mention his PTSD. I think Pike is represented in a very realistic way with all his flaws but also all his good sides.
So, M’Benga also has a sad backstory (and I am sure the whiners will jump on this one, too). But it wasn’t just tell, they also showed his daughter Rukiya. I just hope Una and M’Benga don’t keep this secret from Pike. If Una has learnt one thing in this episode, then it’s better not to keep secrets from him. He got your back. Don’t thank him by keeping even more secrets from him. That is just not fair and could break more than it can help.
Also, Una’s doubts about Pike felt misplaced to me. Her assumption he might have decided differently if she was not the hero is emotional and probably based on her insecurity in this matter, but it holds no merit. He clearly told her he doesn’t care where she comes from. If M’Benga had found the cure all on his own, it wouldn’t have made any difference for Pike. It baffles me a bit that after Una and Pike have presumably known each other for so long, she doubts him like that.
I love the reference to Lower Decks that multiple lower ranked crew members have to share one crew quarters and sleep in bunk beds! And they even intermix the crew, not just one quarters for all male and one for all female.
How did the cylinder with the relevant information that the Illyrians wanted to officially apply to join Starfleet pop out just when Pike and Spock were to leave the archive? I suppose one of the ghosts stayed back to activate the cylinder, but there wasn’t any of the glowing creatures to be seen.
Pike refused to accept Una’s resignation and to report her to Starfleet. While I get that he’s taking the risk (because in his mind he only has 10 years of active duty left anyways, so to hell with regulations), there are 3 more people onboard the Enterprise who need to keep their mouths shut as well: La’an, Chapel and M’Benga. While I do not doubt their loyalty to Una, that’s still a lot of people to keep the same secret. My guess is Una’s secret will be revealed to Starfleet sooner or later anyways, and we might see a kind of a repeat of Julian Bashir’s story. Starfleet allowed La’an to join them even though she probably has inherited augmented genes. They could do the same for Una. However, the difference is that Una was aware of her inheritance but lied to Starfleet to be able to join them. There might be a court martial for all people involved (because let’s face it, court martials are a classic in Starfleet and SNW will have theirs sooner or later) but she’ll probably be left off the hook because she proved herself worthy and to not have ill intentions. Additionally this episode could be the base for redeeming the Illyrians.
I think when Una carried Hemmer to sickbay, Rebecca was actually carrying a Hemmer puppet… and I’d bet 10 bucks that it was a puppet like the one showed at the SNW exhibition on Mission Chi and in New York at the Paley Center!
The Illyrian ghosts sometimes show their humanoid form. If you look closely you can make out hints of legs, arms and a head. When they all three band together to protect Pike and Spock, they form a little dome. I wish there had been some communication. But I also have the feeling this might not have been the last time we’ve seen the Illyrian’s or the Illyrian ghosts.
We cannot count on future interactions with other Illyrians being just as smooth. In the Enterprise show, Archer stole a warp core from Illyrian’s (after the Illyrian helped to repair the Enterprise mind you!) in order to reach Earth before the Xindi with their deadly weapon could. Archer literally left the Illyrian’s to die, because without the warp core, they would need years to travel home and there was no guarantee that they would find enough food, water and resources on their long journey. But should they have been found by their own people (which we do not know), you can bet that at least some Illyrians might not be too happy to run into humans again.
I suppose the building complex where the landing party beamed down has never been hit by the ion storm since the colonists vanished, because only this time the windows were shattered.
Ethen Peck as Spock has so grown on me big time. He’s not just some iteration of Spock as he was in Discovery. In the very few episodes of SNW he became Spock to the core, at least to me. There is something different going on in SNW that wasn’t there in Discovery but I cannot pinpoint it. But whenever he speaks and the way he sometimes looks… it feels like a perfect Nimoy impersonation.
Still not enough Hemmer in this episode! But I am sure the episode centered around engineering will come. Have faith people!
The CGI porn was outstanding in this episode. I mean, just look at this! And also thank you for having put a nightmare of mine into pictures. I've been dreaming of a thunderstorm like that with black clouds engulfing me since I was maybe 9 years old. And yeah, they did return... 😟
On a sad note, I think I have to skip “spot the dimples” for episode 3 because I couldn’t find any. Looks like scared Pike doesn’t produce dimples lol.
But to make up for that, here’s some fan service for fanfiction writers. 😇
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Remarkable Quotes
Hemmer: Engineering to Transporter. Try it now.
Chief Kyle: What the...? How did you...?
Hemmer: I am a genius.
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Pike: Suggestions, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Run.
(This is actually the 2nd time Spock suggests this to Pike. The other time was in Discovery Episode S2E09 Project Daedalus)
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Ensign Lance: I need to feel the light on my skin.
Ortegas: Whatever tweaks your freak, pal.
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Una: Anything else abnormal during transport you can think of?
Hemmer: Besides the landing party's atoms almost getting mixed up into a puddle of bioorganic stew?
Una: 😳
Hemmer: No.
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Spock: I believe there is a human phrase. A watched kettle never boils.
Pike: It's a pot. And in this case, I'm pretty sure we're gonna get hit with the scalding water.
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Pike: This place is fun. They should sell tickets.
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Pike: Any clue as to what happened to the colony?
Spock: I am only halfway through these records, Captain.
Pike: Consider maybe skipping to the end before the storm tears the building apart?
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Pike: Whatever made that sound, looks like it's gone.
Spock: A curious figure of speech.
Pike: 😒
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Una: Hemmer, what are you doing?
Hemmer: Performing a miracle.
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(because this dialog is hilarious, here’s it in full length)
Pike: 🤨
Pike: Does that thing have a setting for stun?
Spock: I am arming us with knowledge.
Pike: 😶
Pike: You think the Illyrians knew how to stop these things?
Spock: Perhaps. But even if they did not, we may be able to learn from their misfortune.
Spock: I have deduced that these creatures did not destroy them. That, in fact, they began to appear as the Illyrians were starting to be wiped out by a mysterious disease.
Pike: 😳
Pike: I'm still waiting for the useful part.
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M’Benga: Prejudice has kept people from helping each other for centuries with no scientific justification.
M’Benga: And after we met our neighbors in the galaxy, we found new bigotries.
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Una: I just did my job, sir.
Pike: No. You defy every stereotype the Federation has about Illyrians.
Pike: You're an example to them.
Pike: And to all of us.
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M’Benga: We travel light-years in hours.
M’Benga: And somewhere out there is a planet that has the discovery I need.
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#strange new worlds spoilers#snw spoilers#episode chatter#christopher pike#captain pike#anson mount#una chin riley#number one#rebecca romijn#m'benga#babs olusanmokun#la'an noonien singh#christina chong
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I need this out and I don’t know where else to put it because if I put it anywhere where people might see, I’m giving more ammunition to the idea that I’m just some monster or something, and I'm tired of having to hedge every bit of opening up about this with, "I know I fucked up, too". It's time for me to be able to tell my story without diminishing my own experiences.
I used to vent to the void on tumblr a lot so I figure this is a good place to do so. Writing out stuff like this is a good therapy technique, and I don’t hurt anyone this way. Okay here goes
My relationship with Becky was awful. In hindsight, I should have ended it so much sooner than I did, but I kept trying to force it because I wanted it to work. We were awful for each other. We made each other worse people. It needed to end.
I did everything I could thing of to make the break up smooth for her. I avoided Easter so that I wasn’t marring a holiday. I asked Tanner to cancel D&D for the day (little did I know, I was canceling that game forever) so that she’d have a week until we had to exist in the same space again, even virtually. I drove to her house, so she wouldn't have to deal with a drive before or after. I knew she had therapy the next day, so that she’d have time to process and professional help soon. I didn’t bring up anything either of us did and didn’t bring up any blame. I said we were just incompatible, because we were. I told her I understood if she didn’t want to be friends -- she said she did. I said if that changes, just let me know. I held her while she cried, walked her dog with her, and went home.
Over the next week, she began to escalate attacks towards me with no warning. On the morning of our D&D game, 2 hours before we had to coexist in front of our friends, she sent me a list of grievances during our relationship and demanded an apology for them, to help her healing. I wanted to be done with this, I had thought that the break up meant we could finally be done with it. I apologized regardless, because I knew I wasn’t perfect and had admitted when I’d fucked up before in the relationship, but not for all of it because some of it plainly wasn’t true. I asked if I could respond and ask for an apology for my own healing. She said no, she didn’t care, and that she wouldn’t let me make it all about myself.
She demanded Tanner message her practically every second of every day, elsewise she’d melt down that he was spending time with me instead of her, when we live together. She literally got pissed off that I visited his Animal Crossing island before her. Tanner couldn’t even mention me neutrally without her going on a tirade about how awful I am and how he shouldn’t defend me, let alone mention that I was hurt, too.
Eventually, she blocked me. I had spent the entire time keeping the door open and trying to maintain a friendship, both because I didn’t want to lose that, and for Tanner’s sake, and meanwhile she was nuking the bridge. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t see myself being metamours with someone who so clearly and actively hated me.
Tanner, on advice from a counselor, sat us both down to talk about our abusive tendencies and how this was affecting him. The first thing she did was give me the most disgusted look when she walked in. She nodded vigorously during the entire bit where Tanner raised his issues with my behavior.
Almost all of what Tanner talked to me about were things we’d worked on in the past, that I’d been fine on, that I’d backslid on since dating Becky. Others we’d discussed before and he’d been fine with, but had changed since. The rest, he later apologized for, because he realized he was being abusive in those expectations and hadn’t been concerned with fairness at the time. Almost all of what he brought up wasn't new, because Tanner and I have checked in with each other and worked on our relationship for almost 7 years.
Meanwhile, Becky continued to be abusive to him, in the same ways she had been to me, amped up to 1000. And I had to sit and let it happen. I left my own house for hours at a time for them to have dates. I canceled or moved my own plans for her. I had a festering wound I was hoping would heal, because Becky continued to insist to me that we’d forgive each other some day, but I was the only one working towards it, while she cursed me at every opportunity.
This all culminated in her calling Tanner one day, during our date, to demand that he choose between us. To try to convince him to be monogamous with her. To tell him how awful I am and that she can’t believe he would choose me. To guilt him for daring to do so, even though she’d forced the choice.
I beat myself up, like I was the reason for the break up. But I wasn’t. Even if I wasn’t in the picture, she was abusive and had continued to be without pause. It was her own jealousy and refusal to heal that ended their relationship. I know that now. But it took awhile for my anger to set in. It did once I found out she messaged him more times after that to try to convince him, once again, to leave me, and once again getting upset with him when he wouldn’t.
I waited for a while before asking Tanner if he was alright with me cutting Becky out, since after those instances, I didn’t see our relationship being positive again, at least not for quite awhile, and I’d spent months swallowing my pain for the sake of their relationship and couldn’t do it anymore. That was when I found out, from him, that Becky had already cut me out with no intention to recover. She had remained in all of our group chats, so that was news to me. It was power I was not willing to let her hold over me any longer, pretending she was the bigger person for being silent in the chats but not leaving them. I won’t be made into a monster for defining and defending my boundaries for the first time since the break up. It was unfair of her to remain in every single chat when she’d made it clear she was cutting us, or at least me, out, forcing me to face that trigger every day, giving me almost to reprieve or space to vent about my own pain. I asked friends to remove her from those shared chats, and they did, and I refuse to be made into a villain for being the one to cut the last of the bridge she’d torched. The last one is the d&d game that wasn’t destroyed with our relationship, and it’s the last thorn in my wound keeping me from healing, but Tanner and I are both scared that group will fall apart, too, if she’s removed, due to reactions in another chat she was removed from. So, I have to continue to swallow that, for who knows how long.
Now that that story is out, I’m going to list what I can about my and Becky’s relationship -- her abuse, her gaslighting, making sense of it all and getting out what she never let me.
-A lot of our problems stemmed from the fact that I didn’t react how she wanted. She would be abusive or demanding, and instead of reacting like Tanner, who would submit for the sake of keeping the peace, I would push back, either calmly or not so calmly due to it triggering me. Both elicited negative responses. We triggered each other this way often.
-She was racist to me. She weaponized the exact racism I told her I had experienced from almost every white person I’d ever known, even my loved ones. She promised she never would and then did exactly it, armed with the knowledge of how to shut me down. She told me I *was* aggressive, actually, that she’d surveyed my friends and they all agreed that I was aggressive, and by insisting that I wasn’t, by defending myself, I was gaslighting her. Oh, and she only used the word aggressive because that was the word I’d used, not that she actually thought I was aggressive. Why did I think she thought I was aggressive? That was my own fault. I constantly made myself smaller for her, like I had for so many racist people in my life. I could no longer be all of me anymore.
-She insisted I was incapable of calm discussion (see the racism above), that I deserved her anger and brought it upon myself because it was the only way I listened. Never once in our relationship did she ever say, “can we talk about this?” or anything along those lines, which I would have responded to (and have in other relationships). It was always blowing up out of nowhere because I said the slight wrong thing or didn’t say the right thing or because she’d misunderstood me.
-On misunderstanding, she admitted that she constantly misread me and misunderstood my words due to her past trauma and expectation of negativity. Once upon a time, she told me that if she took what I said in the most positive light, she understood me finally. Yet, later in our relationship, she started insisting that every misunderstanding was my fault, that all poor communication was on me, that I was an anomaly, that I somehow experienced less emotions than other people. When I would refuse any of these accusations or point out what I had actually said, she told me I lacked critical thinking or was gaslighting her.
-Tanner said something that made so many of our problems click: Becky didn’t want a relationship, she wanted codependence. Something she admitted she struggled with, something her family struggles with, and yet I never put it together. She wanted all of our attention, all of the time. Every triad date we had was centered on her. My healthy independence was a threat to her. She insisted I was lying if I didn’t have some deep issue to discuss with her every day. She insisted I was lying when I promised her I wasn’t hiding my life from her, that I just sincerely didn’t have any crisis or something to discuss. My refusal to enable any of her bad habits or abusive behaviors upset her. When we broke up, and she could no longer guarantee all emotional energy was given to her, she spiraled.
-Of many things we’d previously discussed and she said she understood, group chats take less energy for me to participate in, and I was always happy to interact with her in group chats if I couldn’t handle a 1 on 1 chat. Eventually, I was scared to interact in group chats, post online, show any presence that I wasn’t busy or asleep, because she would become upset with me for not messaging her individually.
-The biggest red flag I ignored, one that terrified me so much I told no one about it until I was considering the break up, was when she asked me to choose between herself and my best friend. When I told her I couldn’t do that and was uncomfortable that she’d even asked, she got upset, and I ended up comforting her instead of addressing it any further. And without even realizing it, I began to feel anxious and guilty whenever I interacted with Dan. I would fear even mentioning them to her, because it inevitably resulted in her jealousy. I began to interact with them less (notice a pattern? Interacting with my best friend less, interacting with my group chats less, interacting online in general less...)
-Every concern I brought up ended the same way: she’d say I was gaslighting her, or she’d get upset and I would have to comfort her.
-She was never polyamorous; this is obvious in hindsight. She was a monogamous person who happened to form a crush on two polyamorous people. She would consistently try to persuade me away from polyamory and into maintaining a closed triad, and would get upset with me when I expressed that wasn’t what I wanted. She’d often remind me that she’d be extremely jealous of anyone I ever dated and that they couldn’t be as important as her.
-She said she understood it would take Tanner and I time to feel as close to her as we do with each other. Yet, she was constantly jealous of us and became more and more angry as time went on. She seemed to expect a timescale of months to level out a 7 year relationship with a 7 month one, when it would have taken years.
-Along with codependence, she was looking for a therapist in her SOs. She would have a new breakdown to discuss daily, and a myriad of untreated phobias and illnesses. She’d consistently complain about her therapist; when I made suggestions to tell her therapists her concerns or get a new one, she’d brush it off or insist it wasn’t that bad. If Tanner or I didn’t enable her phobias, she’d get upset with us. We could neither make plans for just us two(though she hates being left out) nor bring her (she hates crowds and spontaneous plans). She’d say she’d come, we’d just have to deal with her crying the whole time. I’d express that we want her to have fun, not suffer, and she’d say she’d suffer either way. We were guilted out of most plans.
-Most of the end of our relationship, that finally made me realize we needed to break up, was a slow change that I’m not sure how it happened. At some point, Becky stopped seeing me; she only saw what fit her preconceived notions of me. She made assumptions about me, my thoughts, my character, who I was. She made up situations in her head and got angry at me for them out of nowhere, with no communication, and the one time she did listen that she'd made up the situation (because Tanner told her), she spiraled into self-hatred, not an apology. She twisted everything I said into some kind of attack against her and insisted every clarification, explanation, or evidence was an excuse. When I would point any of this out, that some of what she said was just plain untrue, she’d once again insist I was gaslighting her. I was trapped. She refused to see the changes I made for her, and was coming up with her own reality of our relationship. Nothing I did mattered anymore; even Tanner told me he saw it. He told me that I had done a lot of work but he didn’t see the same improvement on her end, and that she needed to meet me in the middle if we were going to work. But she only saw the monster she’d made me. I couldn’t continue to date someone who was so committed to misunderstanding me. This is why I only apologized for most of what she said in her list of grievances -- because some was simply untrue. I never lied to her, I never gave her half-apologies -- never in my life have I given anyone an “I’m sorry you feel that way” apology. I apologized for things that didn’t even merit apology. I regressed and backslid on so much healing I had done. She mentally sent me back to high school, convinced me I was who I was as a child, when that was completely untrue. So much of the relationship had become this perfect trap -- where it was damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I ended it because I couldn’t live like that anymore, and I wanted our friendship back. We were awful romantic partners, but such good friends. Not anymore, I guess.
-Every trauma I ever did confide in her, she eventually weaponized against me. She'd recreate every one, or bring them up to silence me. She'd use every moment of vulnerability to further convince me I was an inherently awful person and push me to back slide and regress into trauma I'd grown beyond. Any questioning was met with, yup, I'm gaslighting her or lack introspection.
-She said I never showed interest in her, and I still don't know where that came from. We'd talk about life goals, the world, our ideas. I told her I loved seeing her creative projects and that progress. I read her fan fiction and bragged about it. I don't know when she stopped seeing it, when she stopped seeing me. I introduced her to all of my friends, integrated her into all of my friend groups, because I thought I was building a future with her. But now I'm the villain because she wanted to hold my social life and the friends I'd introduced her to hostage.
-One comment that stuck with me was that she said we weren't even dating, just friends who kissed. She said it again in our last argument before we broke up. I literally didn't know what to do to prove to her that I cared about her, to make her believe me when I said she was my girlfriend. I even came out to my parents about her to try to prove it and it wasn't enough. I got to the point where I almost finally had sex with her just because she wanted it, just to see if that would finally be enough for her to believe me. I'm very glad I didn't.
-She was consistently passive aggressive. She would always say something was fine, then clearly be upset when I'd do it. I'd have to press for there to be any chance of her admitting she didn't like it. There were clear "correct" answers to all of her questions and suggestions, and whenever I refused to acquiesce, it would become an argument.
-Intentions don't matter and all that, but they do. They do, because that's shorthand. She'd constantly use that as a shield, telling me my intentions didn't matter, when at a certain point, she had to be responsible for refusing to hear me. And while intentions don't matter, I never intentionally hurt her, but she intentionally hurt me several times, almost never apologized for it, and in fact insisted to me that I deserved it and had brought it upon myself.
-And I defended her. I continued to defend her for so long, from so many people. I knew she had trauma, and I knew she was in an environment that wasn’t suited to her healing. I convinced myself that I just had to endure until post-pandemic, or until she moved out, or until she got medication she could take, or, or ,or-- and Dan gave me the wake up call that if I was walking on eggshells with her, the environment we were in would only change where I was walking on eggshells with her. Tanner gave me the wake up call that we aren’t even sure she *wants* to leave that house with her family, because of that toxic codependence.
-I’m still terrified of how quickly she turned on me. How quickly she made me a monster. Our break up didn’t have any villains; break ups don’t always need villains. But like a light switch flipping, she turned hatred upon me. She told me that she doesn’t feel empathy and only performs goodness because of a moral code she made for herself, but I never considered what it would be like if she designated me an enemy in that moral code.
Some of this I realized towards the end of our relationship. Some of this I realized after. I’ll add to this post whenever I need to as I parse out more, or remember what I’ve forgotten to add.
I’m not the monster she made me in her story. I’m not responsible for her version of me anymore. I won’t be made to feel guilty or like a villain for finally enforcing my boundaries. I’m still angry that I can’t be open about all of this without continuing to fall into this trap she’s made, of me being awful and hateful instead of abused and rightfully angry. But Tanner and I are the happiest we’ve been in a year. I deeply regret that relationship, but I’m so happy now that I’m out of it, even if it didn’t end how I’d hoped. And I think that says I made the right decision.
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four times you wore matthew tkachuk’s name on accident + one time on purpose | matthew tkachuk
the first
It’s a Friday night and you’re at Matty Tkachuk’s apartment solely at the request of your best friend, Sasha, who’s a little more than friends with Noah Hanifin (and refusing to believe that she’s actually more than a little more than friends but that’s neither here nor there). The party’s raging and you’re killing some bro’s on the pong table with some pretty Swedish boy who you’re almost certain plays on the Flames with Noah. And then, suddenly, there’s a ruckus behind you, like more than the general party-ruckus, and you’re covered in beer.
And when you say soaked, you mean like, absolutely drenched.
The dudes who are the entire reason you’re now the winner of the impromptu wet t-shirt contest can’t even make it through the apology they start before their eyes go to your chest and they actually stop speaking, so you very quickly ditch the pretty Swede in favor of looking for Sasha.
Unsurprisingly, she’s making out with Noah in the corner and neither of them look amused when you interrupt. “Well sorry.” You snap, glaring at yet another guy who stops to stare at you.
“Get moving, buddy!” Noah waves him away.
“Now do you see why I want to leave?” You look at them flatly.
Sasha giggles. “Just go topless for the rest of the night!”
You give her a look “You’ve seen me topless before. That’s certainly not going to help the staring.”
Sasha is still giggling as a group of guys in the corner start to point and Noah gives his best glare (which is frankly, like 0% terrifying, but the gesture is much appreciated). “Come on,” He pulls the two of you away.
“Oh yeah,” You snark at him, as he leads you down the hall. “This is helping my case. Heading down the hall with the two of you in my wet t-shirt. This is just the thing I need!”
“Well?” Noah grins not even five minutes later, from where he’s lounging on Matty’s bed, watching as you attempt to tuck the Tkachuk Flames shirt into your short, bodycon skirt. The endeavor is useless, which from her laughter, Sasha figured out ages ago, and has been waiting for you to do the same.
“There’s nothing smaller?” You ask desperately. The shirt is genuinely huge. It fits you like a dress.
“I mean, Chucky’s just a tad bigger than you so…” Noah trails off, fighting his own laughter.
“That is a lewk!” Sasha is still giggling from the ground as she adds, “I’m sure we could look around and find something smaller that’s been left behind.”
That thought brings an immediate look of disgust to your face. At least Matty’s shirt is clean. “Fuck no, I don’t want anything that belongs to any girl that he might have brought back here!”
They’re both laughing, as you awkwardly tuck one edge of the t-shirt into your skirt and let the rest of it fall. “Alright.” You say. “Noah, let me pound your beer and I might not hate myself enough to be able to go back out there.”
Noah’s beer is not quite enough, but it’s enough to get you back out to the party, where you can all three get fresh drinks to go along with the shots you insist on (needed if you’ll be wearing this shirt for the rest of the evening).
And then, they quickly ditch you for their corner again, so you make your way back to the pong game, only to find out the you and the pretty Swede have been chased off the table.
The Swede is in the kitchen, holding court with a few other teammates, and you start to make your way over to them, hoping to convince him to take back your rightful spot at the table (or if not, just to join their circle), when the host of the party steps up to you.
“Babe!” Matt grins, and you stop to wait for what’s to come, because you’ve seen a lot of him recently since Noah and Sasha have been spending more and more time together, so you’re sure he’s not finished. “Never would have thought I’d be happy to see you change out of that wet t-shirt, but I guess that’s when happens when you look so hot in my clothes!”
“Babe!” You mimic, grinning, ready to dish it back. “Never would have thought I’d actually consider changing into the clothes that last week’s rando left behind, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re a dick!”
Matty just laughs, accepting the chirp as you move past him to the kitchen, and that’s that. The shirt comes home with you that night, gets shoved into the back of your closet, and forgotten about entirely.
the second
“Thank god you’re here!” The woman grabbing your arm on the way out of the bathroom at Saddledome looks extremely familiar, but you couldn’t put a name to her face if your life depended on it.
“Sorry, I think you’ve got the wrong person.” You try to keep your voice as polite as possible as you attempt to shake her off.
She shakes her head. “Sasha said she tracked you here on your phone.”
That traitor. And also, still, who the fuck is this lady? “Umm.”
“Britt and Morgan are both stuck at home with sick kids, and Jess was supposed to be able to fly in in time for the game tonight but her flight got delayed so she’s stuck in Ottawa or something, so we are super shorthanded and Sasha said you were here with some friends tonight and wouldn’t mind filling in.”
Say what now? “Sorry, filling in for what?”
“Toy collection!” She’s actively leading you away from your other friends and from your seat towards an employee only area. “Come on; let’s get you a jersey and get you set up!”
And well, you’re not so heartless that you’re not going to help them collect toys for kids for the holidays! Even when she shoves a Tkachuk jersey at you, practically yanks it over your head, and then fluffs your hair before leading you out to the first floor concourse and over to a toy collection station with Johnny Gaudreau’s girlfriend, you paste a smile on your face, vowing to get back at Sasha for this later.
It isn’t long before the smile is real, laughing along with Ali as the two of you collect toys and donations. You’re actually having such a good time you don’t even notice that lady taking your picture until the next morning, when you’re scrolling through Instagram and it pops up on your feed via the Flames official account, on a post thanking their fans for making the toy drive such a success.
And right below it, a comment from Matt: 👀👀
the third
It’s too fucking light out, there’s a very loud banging, and your head will not stop pounding.
And somehow, none of these things are going away? Like they’re actually all getting worse and that’s when you realize your hangover isn’t going to go away on its own. So with one last groan into the pillow, you open your eyes, hoping to take care of all of these things.
And that’s when you realize this isn’t your bed. Or your room. And you aren’t wearing any clothes?
What the fuck happened last night?
Once that moment of immediate panic fades, you realize that even though this isn’t your room, it is a familiar one. It’s not the first time you’ve spent the night in Matty’s guest room after a party, but it is the first time you’ve woken up in it without clothes.
Further inspection of the room leads to open blinds and no clothing, which is not entirely helpful in solving the problems of your nakedness or the knocking at the door...which you can only assume means Matt has left for practice or something because god, if he was somehow managing to sleep through this, you were going to kill him.
The knocking at the door will not fucking stop and so you angrily stand, searching for some clothing item in the room to cover yourself up with to go take care of it. You’re just contemplating wrapping yourself in the blanket before you stumble upon an old Knights t-shirt. It’s still huge on you, but it’s clean and probably better than going out to answer the door wrapped in just a blanket.
No, definitely better than going out in just a blanket.
The shirt is soft and worn as you pull it over your head, like a favorite old t-shirt should be, and you really contemplate stealing it as you bitterly make your way to the door, throwing it open with a scowl on your face. “What?”
“Uh.” There’s a delivery man outside the door, holding a package. “Sign for delivery?”
Is he fucking serious? This is the ruckus? If looks could kill, he’d be a puddle on the floor, but you sign for the package and turn back into the apartment.
And apparently, Matt is home, and furthermore, alive, since when you do turn, he’s standing in the living room. For once, he’s not even running his fucking mouth, standing there with his jaw slightly dropped as he stares at you.
“Here!” You throw the package to him as you start to walk closer.
Matt doesn’t even react and the box falls to the ground in front of him. “Where’d you find that shirt?”
Your fingers drop to the hem of the tee, starting to recognize the look in his eyes for what it is. “Your guest room.”
He swallows. Visibly. Audibly. “Why’d you put that on?”
You grin, beginning to lift the hem up. “Why don’t you come find out?”
the fourth
Stuck in an endless loop of last times, it’s becoming less and less shocking to find yourself in Matt’s bed at various hours of the day. Sneaking out of his place in the morning. Popping over in the afternoon between classes. Sending your uber at the end of the night to his place instead of your own.
So it’s not really alarming anymore to find yourself waking up on a Sunday morning in Matt’s bed, to roll over and see only the ends of his curly hair poking out from under the covers or maybe a bare chest from where he’s pushed off all the blankets, consistently a later riser than you unless he absolutely has to be up.
Someone might think it’s alarming from the way you jump out of bed this particular Sunday, but that actually has more to with the time on the clock than the man’s bed you're in.
There’s no way you’ll make it back to your apartment to change and to brunch with your parents in time. Panic mode induced.
But the ruckus of trying to gather your shit and get dressed at the same time does wake Matt up (you suppose, in hindsight, that attempting to yank jeans up with one hand and buckle your bra with the other was not your best idea, but only because you hit your hip into the side of the dresser) and you fondly watch him rub his eyes sleepily before remembering that you need to go and resume working on fixing your jeans and bra.
“Where are you going?” Matt still sounds tired, but he’s sitting up, watching you rush around the room.
“Brunch with my parents have you seen my shirt?” The whole thing’s said as one sentence, one word maybe. Who’s got time to breathe right now?
“I just woke up.” He frowns. “Come back to bed.”
“I can’t!” It was white, you were pretty sure. Or maybe black?
“This is not how I planned to send my Sunday.” Matt frowns.
Success, there’s something black in the corner. You go to grab it as you address that comment. “You should know by now that you win some, you lose some.”
“Hey, if I’m not allowed to use sports cliches in bed, then you’re not allowed to use them out of it!”
“Matthew!” You cry, turning toward him, shirt in hand.
“That seems like a very reasonable compromise to me!”
You are ten thoughts ahead of sports cliches by now and hold last night’s sweater up for him to see. Or, what used to be your sweater. There’s a rip down the center; it was a v-neck to begin with and was now only being held together by threads. “This isn’t!”
He hesitates, but doesn’t look sorry at all. “It was a thin sweater?”
You level him with a look. “Let me tell that to my dad today at brunch.”
“You know what, I’ll just give you something.” Matt stands, and walks toward his closet. A second later, there’s a shirt flying at you and once again, you find yourself pulling a huge Flames t-shirt over your head, this time with Matt’s number on the top left and both sleeves, and trying to make it work as an outfit.
Matt’s got a huge grin on his face as you continue to just tug at the shirt, but finally you just give him a look. “Nothing else?”
“A dress shirt?” He offers, still grinning, unable to take his eyes off of you.
You actually contemplate it for a second-if you would be able to make it work as a dress, certain that he’s got a belt you could also snag to cinch the waist- before deciding against it. “I really have to go.”
Matt loops his arms around your waist, pressing soft kisses to the side of your neck. “Do you?”
It is...so easy to tilt your head to the side and just let Matt work, his hand travelling up his shirt. You can feel him smirk against your neck and you can’t even be mad about how smug he is about winning because it feels so good.
And then your phone buzzes and the moment is broken.
The clock says it’s already past time for you to meet your parents and when you look at the text, it’s from your mom, letting you know they have a table. You let her know you’re on your way, but running late, and then slip the phone in your pocket.
“Fine.” Matt says, kissing you softly; a real, proper one, on the lips that sort of takes your breath away. “I’ll let you go.”
“Thanks.” You laugh, a little surprised about the kiss, which just...wasn’t something you guys did outside of bed.
And with one last brush down your arms, a tiny little pause over his number on your shoulders, he steps away, letting you go. But it’s just enough that you think you know what’s going on.
plus one
The long road trip out east gives you enough time to put your plan in action.
Unfortunately, you’re such a terrible liar, that you’re sure Matt knows something is up when he returns.
He sounds definitely hurt when you tell him that you can’t come over the night he comes home, but you’re sure that he’ll get over it pretty quickly when he sees what you’ve got planned for tomorrow’s game.
Your plan formed quickly, coming together in your mind easily. Meeting up with Sasha for lunch one day, you’d told her exactly what you wanted to do, requesting her help in getting you what you need.
She’d laughed hysterically, paused for a moment, and then laughed again. “I feel like I should be saying I told you so here. Somehow, someway, this feels like the moment for that.”
“People who lived in glass houses for over a year shouldn’t throw stones like that.”
That sobers her up, but only enough to stop laughing uncontrollably. She’s still giggling when she speaks. “Fair enough.”
“So can you get it for me?”
“What, he won’t give it to you?” She asks.
“I’m trying to do a thing here.” You tell her.
“Ah.” She says. “Alright, let me see what I can do.”
And so the day after their two week road trip, you found yourself standing in the hallway outside the locker room with Sasha and Ali, waiting for Matt to come out, the Tkachuk jersey feeling heavier than any other time you’ve worn his name before, and knowing that it has everything to do with the gesture you’re hoping it to be.
It seems like the entire organization comes out of the locker room before Matt does, so you endure knowing grins from both Johnny and Noah, as well as multiple other teammates you’re starting to recognize more and more, before Matt finally steps out.
He’s texting as he walks toward you, looking fine as hell in his suit and a little soft from his shower. You can feel the smile grow on your face as your phone buzzes in your back pocket, but you don’t have to pull it out to know who the text is from.
“Hey.”
Matt stops walking and looks up, shock clear in his face. His eyes flutter to his phone quickly and then back to you, like he’s wondering how you got there so quickly, but it only takes a minute before his eyes find the “A” on the corner of your jersey and the “19” on the sleeves. “Hi.”
You’re a little surprised he doesn’t have more to say than that, considering he never stops talking, but he seems content to let his eyes wander over his jersey on you. “Sorry I couldn’t come over last night.” You say, filling the quiet between you and tugging on the hem of the jersey to illustrate your point. “But I really did have some errands to run.”
Matt starts to grin. “You could have come over and saved yourself a few bucks.”
“You think I paid for this garbage?” You scoff and he’s crossing the hall to you in three steps to pull you into his arms.
“I hope you didn’t.” He says, holding you close to him and it takes everything in you not to just press up onto your tippy toes and kiss him, but you shake your head to clear it so you can finish your bit, making a mental note to thank Sasha for coming in clutch and managing to get the jersey for you without Matt knowing. “Would sure be a waste for my girlfriend to spend money on something I’d just give her anyway.”
“Awfully presumptuous.”
“So tell me I’m wrong.” He grins cockily.
“You know what a shitty liar I am.” You start to return the smile but Matt’s kissing the grin off your face the second you finish speaking.
#matthew tkachuk imagine#matthew tkachuk fanfic#matthew tkachuk fanction#hockey imagines#hockey fanfiction#nhl imagines#nhl fanfiction#my hockey fics
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