ashmichelle

[ashmichelle]

i felt so many things as a young girl

i felt so strongly and so passionately

at ten years old i would be convinced i was in love

an all consuming feeling that i would be reminded of…

by every song, cloud, flower, body of water, mountain, tree, and raindrop

i would look out the window and imagine this person in my life

it was an escape from reality

a way to picture myself happy

a world in which i felt safe and loved

not much has changed throughout the years

i love with my whole being

a gut wrenching feeling

one that pulls at my stomach and makes me sick

i think i’m in love with someone and all of a sudden i’m getting dreams at night again

every thought and action is poisoned by what they would think of it

i have a purpose.

i want so badly to be loved

to feel secure

i imagine someone loving me

protecting me from all bad things

i’m not in love.

i’m in love with the idea of being in love.

i want to experience that so badly

choosing someone and them choosing me

to be someone’s number one

to come before everyone else for once in my life

i don’t know who i am

i am whoever i think people want me to be

i have no identity

i am a shapeshifter trying to fit the image of the perfect girl

it’s never enough

i try and try to create a character to play

so maybe they’ll notice me

cause i thought that’s what they wanted?

do i even actually exist?

i wish i knew the answers to the questions people so casually ask

it should be simple, but it never has been for me

i hold onto memories because i think that i’ll never feel something so special again

even if it’s a horrible memory.

even if it’s the most horrific memory i can pull out of the archives of my mind

i need to hold onto it

what if i never feel this way again?

the moments that made me

but also the ones that crushed my spirit and self image and hope for any type of future

because i don’t deserve to feel good

what have i ever done to deserve that?

i have never done anything to be worthy of a beautiful existence

i feel as though all of these things i’ve always believed i feel do not actually exist in me

they’re a charade of what i believe i should be feeling

like a robot reenacting the movements of a human

painfully fake

not often obvious to anyone else

#poetry #relatable #girl hood #identity crisis

[ashmichelle]

what am i supposed to think?

i’m not supposed to show too much interest because it will make me look desperate

i shouldn’t believe he’s looking at me because it makes me conceited

i shouldn’t get my hopes up.

i should be realistic.

believe in yourself, you’re hot!

but maybe not hot enough…

let him come to you…

but he never will as long as his friends are around

he’s embarrassed to talk to girls when other people are there

why is it embarrassing?

am i not just a person?

i should make myself look available without looking easy

be approachable but not too nice

don’t have rbf but don’t smile at him too much

make him chase you so he isn’t bored

but if he chases too long he’ll get sick of you

appear mysterious but not strange and off putting

i don’t know what to do so i don’t do anything

but that means i don’t have the guts

that means i don’t put myself out there

i’m not pretty enough

i’m not smart enough

i’m not funny enough

i’m not good enough.

all i want is to just be enough

#poetry #girl hood #love poetry

[ashmichelle]

6 months

it’s been six months.

six months since i fell in love with the idea of you

six months since everyday i waited for your snap in order to feel happy

six months since you were the only person i thought about, cared about, and wanted

six months since i found “the man of my dreams”.

six months since i realized he DOES exist, but i can’t have him

six months since i couldn’t eat until you acknowledged my existence

six months that have gone by that i’ve tried to make you notice me

six months since no one compared to you

six months since i brought this upon myself

six months since i developed possibly the most unhealthy obsession of my life

six months that i’ve tried to find something interesting to do every single day just to impress you

six months since i’ve found a way to bring you up in every conversation i have with someone i haven’t told about you yet

six months since i’ve actually started to feel again

i can’t get back the last six months i’ve spent on you, but hopefully i can take away something extraordinary from that experience.

#poetry #love #lost love #unrequited love #heartbreak #love poetry #teenage love

[ashmichelle]

san clemente sunrise

#san clemente #beachlife #beach style #sunrise #ocean #photography

[ashmichelle]

the san clemente nighttime experience

#san clemente #night photography #night life #beachlife #beaches #pier #photography

[ashmichelle]

san diego trip

#san diego #night photography #night girl #oceancore #ocean view

[ashmichelle]

#oak glen #photography #nature